#I might fix them in the morning

[all54321]

My Sporlingsona!

@bluiex @spacecatdet

I decided to join in and make my OC as a sporeling. Prior to being infected, she was a journalist and loved writing (I had to connect her to me in some way). After being infected, she spends her free time documenting all species of mushrooms out there. She has an extensive collection of observations she’s made on the mushrooms in their territory, and of how the people are infected by those mushrooms.

Her fungi is a violet webcap. She will occasionally emit a cloud of spores unintentionally. She can do it intentionally, but doesn’t see a reason to. She prefers hanging around with other sporelings (mostly studying the mushrooms) then going near “normal” humans, so there’s not much reason to. She is also a dragon hybrid.

I decided to also write a thing about how she got infected as well. This takes place in my Father Spore Spy AU, really early on. It would feel wrong to write my sporelingsona outside of this AU, really. So she is talking to Scar here. This is before he became well known as Father Spore, hence why she didn’t know what to call him.

—————

I twirl my pen, staring out into the forest. Technically I shouldn’t be this close to the… whatever this is. But I really need a good story to keep my job, so investigating the weird mushroom place it is.

I duck under the police tape they put up, walking down the road to the forest. I look around as I officially enter the ‘corrupted’ area. It’s boring, for a lack of a better word, not anything story worthy. Not this close to town.

“This is such a horror movie cliche,” I murmur, heading into the forest. “But it’s not like there’s some beast here that’s actually eating people,” I continue, studying the trees. They’re completely covered in mycelium, it spreading like spiderwebs. Mushrooms grow out of them.

“Well, I certainly don’t eat people.”

I shout, jumping as I drop my pen and notepad. A man? is suddenly in front of me… staring. “Hi…?” I try, carefully taking in his appearance. He definitely fits in here, considering he’s completely covered in mushrooms himself, his eyes are also glowing an eerie green color.

“What brings you out here?” He asks, eyes never wavering from mine.

“I… wanted to write about what’s happening here. For, uh, the newspaper.”

“So you came out here, all alone?”

“I can’t have anyone taking my story, I kinda need it to keep my job,” I explain, for some reason feeling like I should be honest to it. To him? “Wanna answer some questions?” It hasn’t tried to attack me either way, so it can’t hurt to ask.

“You came all the way out here to keep your job?” His interest seems to have perked up a lot at that. A worrying level, really.

“Yes…?”

He grins, “well I have an offer for you!”

“You do?” I ask, dropping down to grab my pen and notebook again.

“You can continue fighting for your job, or you can join us and never have to worry about it again.”

“Us?” I repeat, more intrigued than I probably should be.

“Yes, us,” he gestures a hand around them, “the mycelium would love you to join us.”

“Sounds like some kind of creepy cult thing…”

He seems almost offended at the notion, “we are not a cult. We have just been enlightened to something much better.”

“Yeah… sounds like a cult.” He stares at me silently, as if deciding what to do, definitely making me realize I probably messed up. “If you’re not a cult then what are you?” I ask, hoping to be spared from… whatever he might do to me.

“Joining us, joining the mycelium, is a gift better than life,” he says instead. “It gives you a connectedness no normal person can ever feel.”

I stare at him, trying to figure out a good way to respond to… whatever that is. For some reason, it feels compelling to agree. “So, say I agree to join this… mycelium. If I wanted to leave later, can I?”

His grin almost looks sharp when he replies, “I can assure you that if you want to leave, you can.”

“Alright, sure,” I eventually reply. Whatever happens with this, at least it will make a damn good story.

—————

In this world, people infected by the mycelium are unable to want to leave it. It doesn’t matter what would happen if someone wants to leave, because they can’t even fathom the idea of leaving. If someone is resilient to joining and thus more likely to want to leave, the mycelium forces their mind to not consider it by making them mostly mindless. Aka those who are the mindless drones. Also my gal has totally unknowingly inhaled a lot of spores, her clear thinking is definitely starting to fade.

This story is technically canon to the Father Spore Spy AU, but it doesn’t hold a major impact thus it isn’t really important to the story. I guess this is just some more insight onto some things.

Additional character notes: This is my standard self insert OC, she’s basically a template for anything I want to do that I can’t use other characters for. She’s technically not fully self insert since she doesn’t look like me, but she basically is outside of that. I also never named her, so she’s kinda nameless. She is also my Minecraft skin, lol. Just with some tweaks here.

[albino-parakeet]

Skytober Day 9 Moth (Eoraptor)

My other Skytober drawings

[bloodychazorite]

Q!SLIME HEADCANONS N’ SHORT STORIES!!

(These are all the headcanons I use in my current fic and will probably use for my future fics, in case you’re curious!! :))

So, first, I don’t think Charlie is any bit human at all. I think he’s full, pure-bred slime with a Core that gives him sentience. The Core is a heart shaped, made of enchanted ruby and plated in gold around the edges. 

During the time he was a God in the SCU (Slimecicle Cinematic Universe) he had three (That’s an incredibly long story that I may actually write one day so this is all you get for now). Now, he’s been reincarnated with one, sentient ever since. However, he’s full slime, nothing human about him. Without the Core, he’d just be straight slime. He’s probably one of the—if not just the only—sentient Slimes there is.

His skin scars because when he’s hurt enough, he needs to get more slime to repair himself. The slime isn’t his, however, so it doesn’t match his body completely for a while while it blends together.

Another type of scarring that can happen to him would be dehydration cracks. If he loses enough water, his slime will crack in a lightning-strike type pattern. It takes a while for those to go away as well, just because they need time to fill in.

Yes, he has bones, but he doesn’t need them. He has them because they make it so that he can keep his shape. When he was Gegg, he’d keep some but give the rest to Quackity for safe keeping.

 

“Where’s my left arm?” Charlie asked, digging through the bag Quackity kept on him.

The other only shuffled his foot back and forth, mumbling gently. He bit his lip as he spoke. “I needed food, man.”

“So?”

“So all I had was seeds and currently unused bones.”

A beat of silence, before a slow, creaking head turn. 

“You used my bones for bone meal.” His voice was flat and his lips were pinched. “Are you deadass?”

“Just kill another skeleton man! I needed food!”

Charlie threw up the melty stub where his left arm should’ve been, waving it back and forth and dripping goo all over the ground.

“Do you know how fucking hard it is to find intact skeletons that will fit perfectly with the one that I currently have?! And that have five fingers?!”

Quackity rolled his eyes, shrinking in on himself. “Uh...No..?”

Charlie smushed slime into his face and laughed at his dramatic screaming. “It is incredibly fucking hard!”

Charlie keeps bones on him most of the time, in case he breaks the ones he’s got. Sometimes they take a minute to get used to, some of them too big or too long or too small, but it happens nonetheless. It’s also the reason he takes any fall damage ever. Without the bones, he wouldn’t take any fall damage. Those bones also determine his general height. If he wanted to be taller, he could find/construct a taller skeleton and get more slime.

Slimes are naturally acidic at a certain level at all times. However, with prompting, his level of acidity will rise. Prompting can look like danger, or threats. It can also be emotional, with extreme rage or sadness, the works.

“Oh no, not today fucker!” Mariana screamed as Slime tried to step outside during another argument. His skin dripped from the agitation but Mariana couldn’t care less.

Slime attempted to brush past him, breath heavy. “I’ll be right back,” He mumbled, "I need to go.”  

He stepped to the left, Mariana doing the same. 

Then, to the right, where she followed once again.

“Move your ass, I need to go now.”

“Hell no, you will stay and we will talk this out.”

Slime shoved past her, briskly rushing for the door. Mariana, wings twitching in agitation, whipped around and grabbed his wrist.

He smelled the burning before he felt it.

Before the white, lava hot seer hit his senses.

She nearly cried out in pain, staggering backward and scraping her skin against the hardwood as she fell. Scrambling into the wall, she groaned in agony and grasped the wrist of the suffering palm.

“Fuck- oh, fuck!” 

Slime was right in front of him, suddenly, knelt with fear in his eyes. “Fuck, I am so sorry, I can’t control it I swear, I would never do that shit on purpose—” He rambled as Mariana writhed, swearing in shock and pain.

Her vision swam as she sobbed. 

“I swear, I-I can’t… control it.”

He’s burnt a few holes in the floors before.

All in his slime, there are acid glands everywhere. 

Because he’s got acid literally built into his system, the bones he’s got tend to break down after a while. Depending on how emotional or just how much he purposely activates his acid secretion, they could last from anywhere around two weeks to a month, usually. That’s what the skeleton in his basement is for, an extra set of bones. 

Slime’s are the closest things to aquatic creatures without actually being aquatic. Being naturally drawn and attracted to moist environments, he can’t breathe underwater, but he doesn’t actually need to breathe so I guess it doesn’t matter. When swimming, he creates fins to help. The only reason he drowns is because he takes in too much water and becomes so liquidy that he just… dies, I dunno LMAOO

Being generally docile creatures, living either underground or in swamps, most Slimes have shit eyesight. They mostly rely on vibrations in the ground and auditory sensory input. Great hearing, terrible sight. Slimes are also ambush predators! They’re slow, but they’ll eat anything. If looking for meat, they’ll hide under the soil and wait for the vibrations of something with four legs. 

“And where’s Charlie? I wanted to talk to him.” Phil asked as he stepped outside. “He said he’d be here.”

Roier, Cellbit, and himself had all been in Mariana’s house for a while now—Phil being there under the assumption that Charlie would be there. 

Mariana shrugged and glanced around. “Ehh, somewhere.”

Then Juanaflippa sprinted forward and stopped on the open ground, jumping up and down. Her tiny feet pattered the ground as she skipped in circles around the open area. Bobby tilted his head in response before Richas yanked him towards the 

Phil looked to Mariana for a look of mild amusement to say it was normal, or a look of confusion to make him feel like he wasn’t going insane because—even for Flippa—this wasn’t exactly typical from his perspective.

To Phil’s surprise, however, he stepped a bit forward and began to rhythmically tap his heel against the soil. 

“Fuck-!” His heart found itself in his feet as something squeezed tight around his ankle, holding firm as he jumped away. He grabbed for a weapon as a light green hand pulled further from the ground.

A wrist, an arm, a… a goo monster.

A goo monster holding a suspiciously familiar pair of glasses.

“...Charlie?!”

His body tied itself back together, becoming more and more recognizable. They stared at each other for a minute.

“I swear I was aiming for Roier.”

Charlie, because of the core, has much better morphing and shape shifting abilities than normal Slimes. With enough observation he could literally be anyone. He’d looked at Juanaflippa so much that his Gegg looked a bit like her. The people he spends a lot of time looking at are the people he can most easily imitate.

“So you can just look… however you want?” Fit asked 

“Uh-huh.” Slime replied offhandedly, focusing on the little craft they were working on for Richas’s half birthday.

Neither of them had ever heard of a half birthday before then.

“Without effort? You don’t even have to like… try?” 

Sue him, Fit was incredibly curious. Sentient Slimes just didn’t exist, Slime was the only one he knew and would probably ever know.

He became even more curious (and slightly defensive) as Slime began to stare at him, an expression of scrutiny behind his gaze.

Then, a familiar lopsided grin and covered his face for a minute. A sloppy squishing sound resounded from behind his hands that made Fit wince.

The taller gasped as Slime’s face became uncovered.

Fit’s own face stared back at him, with only a few uncanny details astray.

“Christ, Slime! You just keep that ability all to yourself? Do you know how much trouble you could cause with that?!” He all but yelled.

Slime laughed, shifting his face back to its normal appearance. He winked before turning his head back to the project.

“Who’s to say I haven’t caused any trouble?”

Fit—from that day on—lived in fear of the people the Slime could be.

Charlie is all types of temperature sensitive. It's crazy.

Too hot, he’ll get all melty and struggle to hold his form. Leave his bones behind him and become a puddle.

 Too dry, he’ll dehydrate and crack up. It’s incredibly painful, which is why slimes tend to stick around damp, humid areas.

 Too cold, he’ll freeze, becoming a literal Slimecicle. Just like hypothermia, his fingertips, toes, and nose will turn a shade of blue first, eventually infecting the rest of his body. Also hella painful.

A good tactic if you really wanted to torture a Slime, stick them in the cold. They wouldn’t be able to stretch or morph after a while, it'll hurt like hell, and you get to decide how bad it is. GOOD STUFF

A 60 to humid 70 degrees Fahrenheit is generally ideal. The island tends to run a bit higher than that, but it’s not too extreme of a shift so he’s generally okay with some extra water.

Haha, he picked Eggxile in a place that was out of his comfort zone, just cause he knew he didn’t deserve comfort. He sent himself to a place that was too hot and too dry for a Slime. That's fun.

Uhh, that’s really all I can think of for right now, but I’ll repost this anytime I add to it :DD If you’ve got any headcanons you wanna talk about or you wanna talk about mine, please do!! I’ll literally talk for hours, you have no idea

LOVE YOU BYEE <33

[ghostorbz]

School doodles ft my yellow ass bedroom light

[mattodore]

close-ups under the cut if you wanna see 'em

[merry-the-cookie]

my DUUUUUUUUUDES

*inhale*

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

im so excited i could cry LOOK AT THESE 😭😭😭!!!!!!! look at the floaty boys!!! tHE BUTTON!!!!!!!!!!!! i am SO happy im so excited my dudes….. the mike and ash charms are 2" with an epoxy finish that makes them a lil rounded.. the luke and cal are a test print to check what the other techniques/sizes look like! theyre 1.5" and i wanted to try a holostar finish but i prefer how the other ones look so thats what ill go with for the shop! theyll look like mike and ash ✨

i made lil stickers of the cone boys and the button design and theyre super shiny and cute i love it sm, i dont think that ill make an actual run of the cone sticker but i have a lil stock so ill try to give em away with pre orders i think. but anyways yeah im so. *does a lil dance*

and alas it occured to me i didnt share the button design publicly, but it might be one of my favorite things ive ever drawn lmfao i hope you love it as much as i do <3

reminder u can sign up to the mailing list HERE!!

[itissadbutitsmy-artblog]

DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THIS MOVIE I DO ACTUALLY

[miscellaneoussmp]

Alrighty, what is this “The Morning Crew have met before” wip I see in your list?? That sounds so interesting! What’s up with that?

(Only if you’re cool to share the concepts you’ve got cookin of course).

- Sharp!

Hi Sharp!!!! Hope you're doing well!!

This is a sign from the universe to actually redo my wips on the list (/silly /lh). As pretty much all of them are abandoned concepts. The kitchen burned down a long time ago, I have not been cooking at all! (/silly)

I will share this one, though, as it was a favorite of mine for a while! So, the thought started with Cucuruchito (of all things) saying something along the lines of "You never really leave the island." to Bagi. That inspired me to write this post! (Fair warning this post was written on October 23rd, 2023, and there is a mention of c!Forever).

The basic plot was that younger Pac and Mike, who were on Quesadilla Island for vague reasons, meeting up with Tubbo (who's the same age he was in canon at the time) in order to learn more about machines. This interaction was stated to be routine. Later, the three would meet Fit and kinda bother him until they all ate breakfast together as the sun rose.

That's it. It's not that good of a concept in hindsight. This was back in October when I wasn't as familiar with the Morning Crew as I like to think I am now. I hope you weren't expecting anything too grand.

EDIT: I FORGOT TO ADD THE LINK TO THE POST I MENTION

[houseofwolves-v1]

okay yes so obsessed with catgirl gerard tonight, however i noticed that they’re wearing a knee brace and now i’m just overly emotional bc as someone with chronic knee pain seeing this band who has helped me survive a lot of shit, wearing a knee brace on stage makes me feel like i can survive this shit too, idk how to truly put it into words but i just gerard way my beloved <3

[wineonmytshirt]

my doctor still hasn't fixed the date on my medication so i can get it refilled. this has happened with his office so many times and i'm really fucking sick and tired of this.

[vriendenboekjes]

huge sudden water stains on the ceiling and on walls but we can call back tomorrow because with ascension day they cant save the reparation request now?? epic student housing situation 👍

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

“we are soooo accessible look at our two elevators and all these fancy door buttons” *none of them work except one elevator which is breaking*

[bjurnberg]

My work boots are the most expensive shoes I’ve ever owned.

Also the most comfortable. I chose them after trying on several different brands and comparing lifespan vs usage vs comfort - I needed them for a physically demanding job, not the weekend hiking trails. I could have easily chosen cheaper boots that would have lasted long enough to be worth their low price, but I know the Sam Vimes Boot Theory and knew weaker, less comfortable boots would make my life harder in the long run.

So when the outside edge of the heel started wearing down after three years of heavy use I went to the shop I got them from and said “hey this is a common problem for me with how I walk but now it’s affecting my ankles and knees and I don’t wanna have to buy a new pair, is there a way to fix this?”

The salesman at this very fancy upscale boot store said “oh yeah, there’s a shoe repair place that can give you some heel guards - it’ll keep the rubber from wearing out.”

So at 8am this morning right after my 9hr shift ends I went to the shoe repair shop and it is the most hole-in-the-wall, is-this-a-real-business-or-a-mafia-front, am-I-gonna-get-shot tiny cinder block cube I’ve ever seen in my life. I grew up plenty poor and love me a good hole-in-the-wall business, but going from upscale store to this cash-only repair shop gave me whiplash. Wasn’t expecting this when a guy who wears three piece suits to sell boots said it’s the best place to go.

The skinny kid behind the counter looks somehow 16 and 25 at the same time, but when I tell him this place was recommended he smiles and says to hand over my boots. I hand him the vaguely warm foot-smelling boots, and stand in my socks in the 3’ square entryway surrounded by every color leather polish you could buy and watch as he turns my boots around in his hands, sizes up a crescent moon bits of plastic, and unceremoniously hammers tiny nails through them before handing them back.

The heels are perfectly level again. I can walk without almost rolling my ankles. They don’t clack loudly on the pavement or feel different. This is gonna fix my knee pain. It cost $10.

This kid had every tool he needed within arms reach, worked fast and smoothly, I was in and out the door in less than 8 minutes, and it only cost $10.

I didn’t think anything could cost only $10 anymore. I’m so used to hyperinflation prices I was spiritually thrown back to the 1400’s visiting the cobbler in town square. This kid might have been that cobbler and just decided to never die.

I’m still reeling from the whiplash, and gobsmacked at the price, and thrilled I didn’t have to go buy new, worse work boots (cuz I don’t have that kind of money for a second pair, I’m expecting these ones to last a decade) and it feels like I just experienced one of the rare little chunks of magic that floats around our world.

[foldingfittedsheets]

Buckle up for another unhinged story time. Now, as I’ve said before, I used to work at a sex shop. At one point I had three roommates and we all worked the same dildo slinging retail job and lived together. It was extremely sitcom.

Now, as you’d imagine, living with three other people who also talked about sex toys all day created a microcosm of people who were all extremely comfortable around sex toys and related topics. No one left dirty toys laying around but seeing things left in showers or showing off a new purchase was just a Tuesday.

After some life upheavals I ended up living with one of those roommates again, just me and her. For the sake of this story let’s call her Betty. Betty and I shared a two bedroom, and the layout was all the common spaces were an open floor plan and then one hallway formed a T, with my room and bathroom to the left and Betty’s to the right.

Well, one day my cousin calls me up. He’s coming to town for a visit and I offer to put up him, his wife, and their more… sheltered friend. (Unbeknownst to me there was a full Briefing for this girl before she met me so that I didn’t overwhelm her with my blasé attitudes towards- well, most things).

They drove in from two states over and it was a long drive. I had to work and couldn’t greet them or spend the first day together. So I told them to come grab my key so they could all shower off and settle in before me.

I arrived home later that night and found the atmosphere a little awkward at first. Things quickly warmed up and I charmed their friend, impressing my cousin with my immaculate respect for personal comfort levels. We had a lovely evening. By the time we all said goodnight I’d dismissed the initial tension as being tired after a long drive.

The next day we all decided to go to the zoo. I’m a morning shower person, but I let them go first while I made breakfast. After breakfast it was my turn and I hopped in the shower.

Midway through my eyes fixed on it. A little pink sex toy, sitting brazenly on the rim of the tub. Oh no, I thought. This was why things had been awkward yesterday! I left out a personal object because I’d literally forgotten to ever put them away by that point.

What I felt wasn’t embarrassment per se, because that emotion had been utterly eradicated by that point. Rather it was a deep shame that I’d leave out something that might make a guest feel uncomfortable. They told me their friend was sheltered and I had left out a sex toy, it was the epitome of rudeness!

I rejoined everyone and said, “I am so sorry! I didn’t realize I’d left that in the shower, that was so rude of me!”

My guests all exchanged a Look. I looked from my cousin to his wife, she glanced toward their friend, and their friend looked at my cousin. No one would look at me.

“Well…” my cousin finally said, “you didn’t tell us which room was yours yesterday.”

I blinked in confusion, Betty’s room and bathroom were basically just like mine.

“When we got here,” his wife continued, “we went to the other side first. In Betty’s bathroom.”

Reader, Betty’s bathroom.

Had been absolutely covered in dildos. Sex toys of all shapes and sizes covered every flat surface, the tub rim, the sink, the shelves. Wall to wall sex toys. Apparently Betty was doing a spring cleaning and had left her entire extensive collection out to air dry.

These three weary travelers had opened a door to the dildo dimension and had no idea how to react. To this day I have no idea what context clues they used to figure out Betty’s room from mine.

But when I’d come home they were lost in the sex toy shell shock, presumably wondering how they could ever talk about it with someone who felt it was okay to leave out every sex toy they own when expecting company in some kind of bizarre power play.

By the time they finished telling me about this we were all laughing so hard we were in tears.

“When we saw your bathroom with one little pink toy it was so discreet we didn’t even care!” They told me.

After my cousin and his crew had gone on their way I finally told Betty the whole story. She listened with eyes growing wider and wider and finally burst out, “That’s why they were so weird when I got home!!”

[astrxealis]

leon theme i spent my early morning hours working on even tho i have to wake 6 am !!! 🫵🆒✨ (it is 10 minutes to 5 am)

[phantomrose96]

Okay I have a story.

So my birthday is this Sunday (May 26th). My mom ordered some presents for me but one of them (an Etsy purchase) was seemingly stuck in transit and might not make it on time. I tell my mom all good, no worries. She gets in contact with the seller. After a long delay in response they get back with "Right we'll fix it!" It ships, tracking label and everything, good to go! ETA May 22nd (yesterday.)

During the work day I check the tracking and it says it's been delivered in/at mailbox! I double check with my mom "hey, is it mailbox size?" because if not, I don't want it sitting at the front door where anyone walking by could snag it.

She says "it's definitely NOT mailbox size." Okay. I text my neighbors in the building "Anyone seen a package delivered? It's a birthday gift from my mom and I wanna make sure it gets inside!" Success! Floor 2 David (not to be confused with Floor 1 David) had brought it inside. Inform my mom. All good!

I stop by home briefly around 4pm, because yesterday was hot-hot and I just installed my window A/C that morning in the living room, and according to my cat cam my stupid cat hasn't spent a single second in the climate controlled living room and is, instead, voluntarily baking herself elsewhere so I'm like "great" and hop on my bike to go home (10 minute ride) to check on her.

I get in the building door. Patches is crying from the top floor because she heard me. I maneuver my bike in the front hall. The ugliest fucking 6-foot-tall cat tree(?)/totem(?)/statue(?) I've seen in my entire life is just. Standing there.

My first thought is "What the fuck is that." My second thought is "Oh fuck that is for me." I look around at the floor in case there's perhaps anything else that might, in fact, be the gift.

No. Me and Cat Pole.

It's taller than me. I turn it around to face me and its face is painted and this is, in fact, uglier than it looked from the back.

Um.

Patches is crying. So I just haul it up to my level. MAYBE it was supposed to come with twine that I wrap around it (and hide its face from the world) for Patches to scratch. Maybe this is a prank. Maybe this is an inside joke, because when my mom moved into her current house the neighborhood gifted her some ugly-as-hell totem that apparently, by tradition, each newest-comer to the neighborhood is required to have and display in their window so maybe this is a very good riff on that.

Patches rubs against it. She's not afraid of this horrid facsimile of her kind.

Great.

Meanwhile SHE'S fine and the condo is a little toasty but totally liveable so I'm like "Good, cool, you're not baking. You're having a good time. Enjoy your new sister, I guess, I'll see you later."

I go back to work because this is a problem for later me.

After work, after my run, after whatever, I get home and it's like 8:00pm and Patches is so happy to see me and the totem pole is still just. There.

I text my friends like "so a bday gift is here from my mom and it's the Biggest Ugliest cat pole I've seen in my life. Is this a bit? Did my mom go 'that's so ugly haha! send!' Maybe she genuinely found it cute. How do I navigate this." My friend Sarah has the good advice to maybe text my mom neutrally like "Got the cat pole!" and feel the waters whether my mom is like "Isn't it ugly? 😂" or "Hope Patches likes it! 🥰"

My mom goes to bed early so I don't do any of that yet. Problem for tomorrow me.

This morning, Patches wakes me up for breakfast. I get her situated and I'm staring at the fucking Cat Pole again. I wonder if my Mom's been wondering all night what I thought of it.

I take a picture. I text her.

Okay.

I get on call with my mom. I ask for clarity that the ungodly horrid thing is NOT my birthday gift and is in fact a mix-up from the seller who sent me this instead of my actual gift. She's wheezing between words. She thinks I'm being too charitable for the amount of Absolute Fucking Ugly this is. I have to gently talk her out of using the word "monstrosity" while messaging the seller asking what the hell happened here.

I tell her I need to apologize for harming her dignity with Floor 2 David, who thinks this fucking thing is my mom's idea of a great birthday gift for her to-be-28-year-old daughter.

My heart goes out to the poor soul who did actually order this cat totem and is lacking it on this lovely day.