#I mostly talk to ppl about gender stuff and family stuff

[thatdeadaquarius]

How about Benny in SAGAU? Like a continuation with Razor?? We do not talk about your growing found family 😤

Like, how would be his 'unluckiness'? Dya cancel it or you get pulled with his shenanigans? I feel like he might introduce you to his Dads no, we are still not going to talk about it 😤😤

A little scenario kept getting into my head when Benny applies Pyro and then Razor used his Electro and y'all got yer asses pounded on the ground 💀👌🏻and just taking care of each other's wounds 🥺🥺

You better be with him whenever he opens a chest so it wouldn't only spawn veggies, but decent weapon AND mora as well! You know, actual treasures, HOYO!!

BENNYYYYY ANOTHER ONE OF MY BOYSSS

This kid also arguably needs more parental supervision just bc of his sheer bad luck, poor kid

(i adore the headcanon that no matter the person's gender, he calls them dad lol)

Like,, hoyo cursed him and he's in a world with traps, monsters, fatui, MAGIC?? 💀 bro how is Benny still alive??!!

(LOOK AT HOW CUTE THEY LOOK IN THIS GIF MY BOYS 🥺)

Okay but the fact that Benny calls so many ppl dad just proves his desire for parental/sibling affection 💔

Aight since u phrased this as a continuation of this post <3 RAZOR MY BOYYYY

That is what we shall do :) ! ! !

So ur running with the wolves still lol

Also ur symbol as the Creator reader is 🦄 or 🌈, bc ur gay and special, jk its bc elements i promise lol

Or even 😑 / 😶 for language reader shenanigans

♡

EDIT 4/11/24: HELLA forgot to say theres a sorta Part 3, its more focused on Razor living, rather than Benny tho fair warning!

Lupical for life bro

U r chillin with the pack now

Razor now has a sweet new digs, fits, and now a crazy amount of power

Bc ur just that great 💅

You have officially moved on to purchasing some leftover amenities/new furniture etc. for him and you :D

And while u could get some stuff in Springvale, like lanterns and soap and perfume and whatnot

Ur still not rlly getting furniture like a bedframe or some storage space, like a nightstand, from them

Which u dont need bc u still got an inventory

...but Razor definitely needs to store all his goodies somewhere that isnt up a tree or buried in a hole 😃

Yes, u did have to tell him to stop doing that.

So yall (u and Razor) are in Mondstadt a lot these days, and ur routine consists of grinding domains, hunting for food, hanging with cute Lupical puppies, playing giant tic-tac-toe w/ Andrius bc poor guy is pretty bored these days etc.

So you figured you run into ppl eventually, afterall you'd already re-met Lisa :)

(who at first was kind of taken aback to Razor having made a random adult friend in the woods, but after vibe checking her , and her vibe checking you, yall were cool, tho she did start reading these new lore books you didnt recognize called "Immortal They Return: A Series of Prophesies", she avoided ur questions abt it too..)

It was inevitable that after introducing you to Lisa, he'd gotten all excited at seeing two familiar figures hanging around Kathryne one day

THE BANDS GETTING BACK TOGETHER, ITS-

Fischl and Bennett !! :D the cutest adventurers in all of Mondstadt ! (besides Klee)

The two take one look at you and Razor and coming running

..

...

....well mostly Fischl,

Bennett got his boot laces tangled together somehow? And is kinda hopping his way over

Immediately the electro vision royalty launches into their quintessential speech (they/them fischl SUPREMACY)

And as u get introduced,

U watch the pyro boy hop and trip over while trying to untie the laces

And just as he's about to go down, and ur debating reaching out and supporting the poor guy bc geez this looks sm worse in person-

Bennett has finally gotten his shoes untied!

Even he looks shocked 💀

And he like, apruptly stops falling over too?

And walks over with no issue??

Theres even a few out of place cobblestones in his path which he sees and moves to avoid

You dont know who looks more shocked and kinda scared you, him, or Fischl/Oz or Razor

Fischl and Razor have stopped talking bc it was more distracting Bennett didnt fall 😭

..

...yall all just kinda,, stand in a circle of silence (well fly in oz's case)

Staring at Bennett.

(Even Katheryne looks impressed😭)

After a couple of shook seconds, Fischl is nearly yelling about some kind of curse being lifted?? , Razor is like, sniffing Bennett's immediate area for sus scents, Bennett is kicking rocks to see if any of them hit him anymore, and poor Oz is trying to calm them down

(none of the rocks hit Bennett btw, or anything valuable around him)

◇

So after that fiasco, u offer to take them around to the parts of Mondstadt they weren't allowed to go to w/o at least 1 adult :)

Theyre pumped and yall set off!

At first, Bennett hangs back, as Fischl and Razor throw themselves into monster battles yall encounter, as per what seems like a routine u assume bc of his bad luck

Eh, u figure while hes here, u might as well reveal u can make him stronger, u think he definitely needs the HP...

If there were any characters youd be worried about needing more power/HP in Mondstadt that u could level up besides Razor, itd be Bennett, hands down.

Between his adventuring, unnatural bad luck, and no parental supervision..

(even Klee seems better off than him, and shes like 7 💀)

Yeah, needless to say u were worried abt the guy

So he looks adorably fascinated <3, bc turns out they can see some of ur interface!

Mostly it looks like floating magical icons and that weird Teyvat language u saw in game, like that Abyss/ruins language u see all the time?

Bennett showed u his perspective in a sand drawing, hes actually pretty good at art wow

Razor couldnt rlly find the words to describe it before which is why u werent sure what they saw before now

And with that hes called into battle last by the others, mostly to apply pyro 🔥

and he fights at the edges to be further away from ppl u notice so he wont affect their luck..

aw Benny </3 :(

But as he draws his sword and ur getting ready trying to become a cheerleader for both Razor and Fischl but particularly Bennett,

He full on takes out 3 hilichurls at once 💀

...then with the dramatic down swing he does, he accidentally launches a rock right at the bigger hilichurl's foot..

...which trips him out of his axe swing...

...which makes it let go of the axe...

...which goes flying...

....breaks the last bit of the cryo abyss mage's shield bubble...

....

......

........and smacks it on the head too.

..fischl, oz, and razor halfway thru this insanity just like,, lower their weapons and stop to watch

Even the abyss mage is looking at Bennett surprised 😭😭

◇

Congratulations!

Bro, an achievement pops up-

"Lucky Day!!!"

Its little description says, "As Teyvat's God, you give the unluckiest person in Teyvat the luckiest day ever!"

💀

Bennett just sits down on the ground.

♤

(Same Benny because, this is where I lost it all, guys. All of that writing. Gone. Forever. I'm putting this here as both a gravestone for it, and a call out to tumblr. I'm not afraid of this website or its shitty admins, meet me in my dms for a real fight you fucks 🥊🥋🧍‍♂️you took what mattered to me, I'll take what matters to you, you god awful programmers. 🥲😐)

♤

And it just keeps happening like that for the rest of the day you guys are together.

Every chest Benny opens are way higher quality than they should be

Especially for him.

(also u have gotten so comfy from before when u were playing Genshin that u r physically struggling not to call him Benny, so when u do accidentally call him that, u try to apologize politely, but he just talks about finally having a nickname so giddy that u just stick with Benny, what a cutie)

Common chests, Razor/Fischl gets what u expect, you personally maybe get a little extra materials and money,

But Benny?

He opens a common chest and suddenly it's a secret Precious chest

The pyro boy honestly looks a little afraid

◇

You guys have a picnic later on for lunch together, partially bc Razor rlly wanted them to try ur food !! :D

Fischl and Benny were drooling over garlic salt, jesus- Teyvat's been deprived-

The blanket u used was a custom one u got made for Razor for his bday awhile back, all diff shades of purple and some silver wolf puppies and pawprints on it, 10/10 vv cute he loves it :)

(and also showed it off to his friends, Benny in particular looks smitten by it..)

◇

Fischl eventually gets herded by Oz back to Mondstadt bc of their parents wanting them back by dinner,

So u Razor and Benny r left to wander around :]

As u guys explore and get chests and talk,

U all begin to gather ingredients for dinner (not that u dont have an inventory but the boys dont wanna cut into ur supplies, the sweethearts)

... Benny slowly starts to find and accumulate foodstuffs

Those Phileano? mushrooms (the white toasty looking ones that r always on roofs or windmills?)

He finds at eye level on nearly any building u come across.

Crabs?

Benny currently has his shirt turned into a basket trying to contain them, and more are flocking to him lol

Snap dragons? Calla lilies?? Even violetgrass, those purple horsetails, lotus heads, and a few qingqin from Liyue somehow make it into his bag 💀

The real question to ask at this point is, when wasn't Bennett lucky today??

(wow never thought youd hear that one)

◇

So its a few weeks later, and Benny is like spending, every day with yall now lol

Ur getting dinner ready for u guys, and ur hopefully gonna make enough to leave leftovers for Lupical and Andrius,

So Razor has gone off to get some water to boil,

And Benny is climbing this huge tree to reach some eggs

And as he gets farther and farther up the tree away from you, he starts to slip more often 😬

Finally as he reaches the top, u realize after weeks without even a trip from him whenever hes around yall, why he wasnt unlucky-

...the closer he is to you, the luckier he is, and the farther Benny is-

He steps on a dead branch and it snaps :0 !!

Just as he falls, he screams and yells,

"DAD!!"

U push together some thick bushes and vines to catch him luckily

(lord knows u couldnt have caught him no matter how light he is, rip benny)

..Benny is okay, but he does go red in the face, and when u ask if he wants u to get one of his dads from the guild to check him over/make him feel better?

He says quickly "NO THANKS!"

Then Razor comes back like, "You call Lupical dad now?"

Benny: "What? No!"

You: "Do u see me as a, father figure, Bennett?"

Benny: "NO- more like I see u as a BOTHER figure bc ur always BOTHERING ME-"

Lol anyways jk

what a cutie tho,

(Ur Creator vibes made him feel vv at home in a way he hasnt felt before, so u got the honors early <3)

so ur a Dad™️ now (regardless of ur gender btw)

hope u like having a pack of puppies, a wolf spirit god, a wild wolf raised boy, and another wild but adventurer guild raised boy as ur family now 🤷‍♂️

Congratz U R THE FATHER LMAO

♧

You may or may not have also gotten onto Benny for charging straight into battle at other times, bc hes so used to bad luck happening anyway, apparently its canon he will just run in???

(to the point Grand Master VARKAS commented on it??!!)

U were pissed, bonked his head and everything-

He looked sufficiently chastised, but when u originally found out Fischl and Razor were nearby,

And u just hear snickering behind u as u bop him

(U bop them later too for that lol)

◇

Benny is also very good at treating injuries bc of this too apparantly,

So one time when you Razor and him were engaging with a couple hilichurls again on the way to Windrise,

Benny applied pyro, and bc u were standing father away than usual (there was an archer earlier u were dodging)

His bad luck crept in and when Razor went to charge up his wolf spirit electro ult-

...everyone went flying back.

...Including Benny and Razor 💀

You heard a really sick pop!

From Benny's shoulder :(

You quickly start pullin out the healing foods lol shove a fishstick in his mouth screaming IT HEALS like a crazed grandparent lmao

But Benny has already sighed and sat up, popping his arm back into place

🤢🤮

You^

While u do praise his healing??? skills,

U have found out thru him that apparently ur food also gives some pain killer effects

So u scold him and bop him on the head with some dango 🍡

For not waiting on u to help him lol

..

Which btw-

Any healing food u give him, he treats like the bandages many others give him, like Barbara, Katheryne, his guild dads, etc.

And holds onto them, rarely eating them

(Ur stuff preserves until needed bc its magical Creator powers surprise, surprise)

Benny feels like its a tangible piece of your care he can keep with him <3 sobs

"Well, since you're by my side, I guess I'm not that unlucky after all!"

proud of you son :')

♤

Ok so youve been getting Razor and u furnishings right

And youve been asking him what he wants to add to the caves digs ! :]

(U made a more fortified "front door" to the cave entrance, its also not that deep of a cave so there r only like 3 other "rooms" besides the main entrance area)

U improved both of u guys beds (tho razor will crash urs if he has a nightmare)

Along with some new outfits for him!

And so he has requested some stuff, but as time goes on,

Slowly, Razor goes from telling Benny about what new thing u added or telling his friend abt what he wants for the cave/himself,

To asking Benny what he wants bc he stays over so often 😭

(Youve gotten Benny factored into ur finances now lol, u gave him new clothes, new gear, amenities, etc. It also helps him bc he doesnt rlly have a main caretaker, so if he needs money he has to take commissions, which can be dangerous to him alone bc if u dont know, Benny's Adventuring Team only has him as the single member of it, plus thats not good if he is too sick or too injured to work, so a 2nd source of lowkey income is good for him <3 )

◇

U now have a coffee table as the dinner table (razor was used to sitting on the ground to eat so a high table felt weird to him)

And it has a few pillow chair thingys?

For you, Razor, Benny, and a guest aw 💘

Benny also originally wanted to help make smth for u guys as a house warming gift

but bc he would try to work on it away from ur influence, it would break everytime :(

Eventually u just coninvced the poor kid to help u pick out some nice rugs and stuff lol

He also has surprisingly good interior design tastes, huh, who knew?

(cough when benny stays over he usually stays in razors bed, but occasionally theyre both lonely had nightmares and ask to crash with u, i love these kids sm cough)

♧

Recently youve been visiting Benny in town even w/o Razor sometimes (rare as it is lol)

Mostly bc it seems like he needs the attention too <3

U gotta make sure hes eating real food okay

U dont want him to end up like u in ur world where u ate snacks for dinner when u were his age...

And Benny gets super hype about it every time, hes grabbing u by the arm, hauling u around to talk to ppl etc.

(Did i mention ur one of the few or not at all ppl who he can freely hold onto no matter the weather/situation bc his bad luck doesnt happen to you?? Oh no??? Well there u go :)

Most notably, to talk to the other Guild Dads™️

They deadass lowkey postured at you for an hour at you before giving in bc u seemed to be the only good luck charm the kid's ever gotten in his entire life 😭

They also r rlly happy someone is able to bc of his rlly bad luck willing to look out for him when they cant :)

♡

For his birthday, you guys all celebrated by doing a picnic again like when u first met them, and you made him a cake

Benny's face rlly said " :'D !! "

Later on, for presents, you got him a blanket matching Razor's !!

Shades of red, with some good luck symbols thruout to maybe make up for when ur not there, and puppies all over <3

And at the top, you yourself embroidered (attempted, so its kinda sloppy but still readable, its endearing you like to think)

"Benny's Adventure Team"

With your name, Razor, Fischl, and even Oz and Andrius lol, all embroidered (not by u bc u stabbed urself enough times making the title thx) as team members down below 👍

You also show him a copy of the book record Katheryne keeps of adventuring teams, telling him that you snuck into Mondstadt one day w/o him knowing and officially signed you guys together (the others agreed too ofc)

.

..

...

...Benny cried, straight up.

And just like held onto you for bascially the rest of the day ❤️

♡

MY HEART FOR MY BOYS FOREVER

♡

(you also may or may not have signed the corner with "love, dad" haha what)

♡

☆

I just want y'all to know.

I had like this whole thing ready to post.

Then tumblr decided it didn't like any of my writing, and deleted half of this post.

U probably saw the spot i marked where i lost it all :'/

I think it took an hour? Or at least 30 minutes to write.

Guess tumblr didn't like that I was adding so much in one go.

So now it's gone.

Doin smth ballsy bc in order to avoid that, ive just rewritten that lost half, and am just going to post it straight up rather than expecting it to save my draft 🥲

Those beautiful moments between Bennett and us, are gone forever. My memory isn't good enough to rewrite it all. ;-;

If you don't mind, I'll be crying somewhere over those lost Benny moments that I drafted on here and can no longer remember to add.

I guess that's tumblr's cruel way of telling me to go the extra mile and draft my bullshit on a literal Google Doc then come back here and deal with the formatting transition hell.

Thanks tumblr.

Appreciate the writing advice.

💔

(Fischl Voice) TIS I, WATERS OF THE SKY, IN THE NIGHT I SHINE UPON THEE, OH MOST HEAVENLY OF DIVINE BEINGS, FEAST YOUR EYES UPON MY OFFERINGS TO THINE BELOW!! COME ONE, COME ALL, FIND MY LABRYNTH'S RULES, AND REJOICE IF YE FIND THE TREASURE WITHIN!

(Oz translation: hey its aquarius here! I hope you gods enjoyed my writing! Feel free to check out my Masterpost/Writing Rules List if you guys ever wanna request something, including non-Sagau/Isekai stuff! :] )

Cheers,

🌒🌧🌊Aquarius♒️🌌🌘

♡the beloveds♡

@karmawonders / @0rah-s / @randomnatics / @glxssynarvi / @nexylaza / @genshin-impacts-me / @wholesomey-artist

(^^^^

Hey not sure if yall will see this, but while this does have influences of Sagau/Isekai genshin, its still pretty just platonic genshin stuff, so let me know if thats not what u wanna be tagged for - just dm me!!)

[ca-suffit]

Sorry this is long. I'm working through the thought as I write this.

There's a post with kinda a lot of notes going around that idk how jokey it is and it's like here's what you need to have read/seen before watching IWTV so you understand the abusive patriach.

And well, I feel like it's part of the pattern of ppl pushing the show's critique of the abuse family structures enable in a way where they won't have to talk about race. How does Revolutionary Girl Utena relate to IWTV? How does Succession? I've never seen Succession, but their cast is almost completely white, which is racial commentary all its own... In Utena neither race nor colorism ever figures into the narrative iirc. I haven't read the Cairo trilogy since uni but I don't remember race factoring into it either??

Like Lestat was the abusive patriach of their family bcuz he's white! His power is gendered bcuz race is gendered (becuz power is gendered and so on). I think the show is in greater dialogue with James Baldwin and bell hooks than Yoji Enokido and Jesse Armstrong! Baldwin outright, didn't Rolin Jones say in an interview once that Giovanni's Room was a direct inspiration?

It just bothers me. The omission of art by Black creators was so striking I felt like someone slapped me. And maybe if then the tone wasn't so condescending and the idea that you have to have read The Oresteia to understand patriarchal violence so classist, maybe I could shrug it off. But you couple both and I'm like damn we squeezed the Greek and the Japanese in but don't mention even one Black person. I'm not saying the OP did it on purpose cuz I don't know the OP, but it felt so so glaring to me the times I've seen the post. Especially ppl sharing it going yeah exactly!! 😐

Lestat As Patriach to me is just more about white supremacy than the cisheteropatriarchy, and how despite Lestat's promises to Louis (be all the beautiful things you are etc) vampirism could not and does not free Louis (+ Claudia) from anti-Blackness. Altho patriarchy and white supremacy are closely related and both relevant to the show, obvs, it just rubs me wrong when one is ignored in favour of the other. And of course it's always the critique of whiteness that ends up ignored 🤔

Why is everyone so scared of mentioning that Louis is Black? Ugh. Sorry. I'd like your thoughts this fandom makes me feel like I'm off my meds. - 🦁

sry it took me a min to get to this, I wanted to track down the post itself for context. I can't find OP's username now but I remember seeing it before and it not being familiar. so idk otherwise what they've said about this post for the tone and intention.

I can say tho that utena and succession have made rounds here in comparison to iwtv from black fans sometimes. but I've also seen this post otherwise criticized before this ask for not having any black references on it. I tried to find that rolin quote about giovanni's room too, cuz I remember it, but idk where it is or what the whole context was anymore.

from being around the tumblr fandom, what I can say about this kind of stuff is that....from the book ppl to show fandom, both sides usually want to "prove" they're rly smart? it's for diff reasons but sometimes the same references. fandom in general keeps moving towards if u can make ur argument about whatever thing sound deep then that means it is and more ppl will support it. there's a lot of constant misuse of social justice and psychological terms as well as connections to art and literature. look how often ppl never talk about anything critically bcuz "it's gothic romance, sweetie" or "stop looking for morality in stories about vampires" (that was anne rice's whole point tho?? but ok lol). it's a lot of words to say nothing.

ppl will basically always jump thru more hoops than is necessary to look smart in ways that ppl have a broad connection to. a lot of black creators aren't well known to ppl in the first place and mostly only prbly by black ppl too, so referencing anything doesn't get u the points that greek "classics" or pop references get. it also depends on the age range of where anything is posted. this fandom tends to be 20s to 40s but with more emphasis on 20s now, prbly, so lots of focus on proving ur worth and intelligence in the world. this post feeds that type of thing. it's kind of a pat on the head that ur engaging with "smart" stuff.

idk if the post *was* meant as a joke or not bcuz this is the kind of stuff the fandom *will* weaponize in defense of white fandom shit in rly racist ways, so. like u said, it's always kind of about all these other things except the most obvious.....which doesn't take much book smarts to see, u just look at the world around u on any given day. but I've noticed ppl tend to avoid topics that hit too close to home, so this is a way to give distance to things too, I think. If it's all fictional then it can't hurt u fr and also u don't have to care about being vocal about anything or doing any work otherwise.

[riacte]

Part of the weirdness about m/f ships feels like this kind of performativity from insecure queer teens? At least I think so based on my own experiences. I've always been a big multishipper who likes f/f m/m m/f and any other kind of ship equally but there was awhile where I felt kinda ashamed if I liked a m/f ship "too much" bc I felt like I wasn't gay enough. Like I wasn't queer enough if I didn't ship gay ships enough. Even now (tho I've gotten better) I still feel this obligation to keep the ratios of ship fics I read "even" so I can prove I'm still a good queer. I think in my case it's probably part of my internalized biphobia (since I feel a similar obligation to make I prove I have attraction to all genders and am really bi "enough" in my actual daily life) and it's a similar feeling of stress at having to constantly police your own identity/attraction/interests.

It's unfortunate that this kind of insecurity in how queer we are seems so common in queer people especialky those of us who are young one w/out much actual dating experience (who make a large part of this fandom. This sort of "who even ships m/f lol gay ships only" I've seen others in this fandom doing feels very much like a way of coping with that insecurity, by proving you're gay enough through your ships. I'm sure there are plenty of people who simply are just not interested in m/f but I'm sure there are also others like me, trying to prove we're queer enough by carefully curating our fandom interests.

My thoughts on m/f ships is that the end of the day, shipping is just shipping. It doesn't actually necessarily say much about your sexuality or what you actually want in a relationship and certainly doesn't mean you're less queer.

(Obviously there are other factors too in the weird attitude ppl in the mcyt fandom have about m/f ships, but this is one that has affected me a lot and I've never seen anyone else talk about it so I wanted to bring it up. Idk I hope I made sense)

Thanks for the ask! It was really nice seeing this as a bi person who heavily mains m/f and sometimes feels bad for it (I also main friendships but I mained m/f reallllly hard pre 2020 aka. before this fandom).

Yeah, I feel like it could also be like "we see so much m/f in real life so we should go hard on the other options to even it out". This fandom specifically there's been problems of irl truthing in comments so I completely understand why people shy from it, but it's 2024, we're quite developed in the character vs cc divide, shipping m/f isn't the end of the world.

I do feel guilt over maining m/f (then liking f/f and m/m, in that order, yes Treebark is the exception and my first m/m that I really got into), like for a looong time I was pretty sure it was just terrible heteronormativity that I needed to kill, but now I feel like it's a mix of heteronormativity (which I fight like daily lmfao) and just. being attracted to men and women both. Because when I write m/f, I can write about being attracted to women and men all in one neat package. And it feels "equal" to me. I do tend to prefer pieces of media with an equal gender ratio, or at least the leads are (eg. Miraculous Ladybug (my ex fandom lmao), Kagerou Project (ex fandom, stares into the distance), Spy x Family, Assassination Classroom) so I can love male and female characters. When reading fics, I like reading about loving a man from a woman's pov and loving a woman from a man's pov. Even in HC with its highly uneven gender ratio, this manifests in the corner I've tucked myself into (False, Ren, Stress, Iskall, etc). Although I do also like media with mostly female characters - Love Live (another ex fandom lol), Precure, Madoka Magica, Nikkiverse - and I do read stuff, I just don't really write for them because I wanna write about girls AND guys. Shippy or not. And this leads me to main m/f a lot. That's my personal taste.

Side note: as a kid, I was frustrated by media aimed at boys which had like a whole cast of boys and one token (cardboard cutout) girl AND media aimed at girls which had a whole cast of girls and almost no boys. 9yo me in co-ed school was like "well this doesn't feel very pro gender equality, I want books with the same amount of boys AND girls :((((( oh wait. I can just write it." And.... it ended up defining what I write now? Even outside of shipping, I like m+f friendships a lot. Because I still get to write about a guy and a girl even if they don't kiss or whatever. Idk. Am I cursed with an extreme case of heteronormativity and / or internalised homophobia or am I bisexual. Maybe both. Idk.

Maybe I do have boring stupid milquetoast hetero taste whatever but I'm having a good time in my fandoms and my ships / dynamics. I like writing about my guys and girls and I'll keep on doing it. And I am queer. I am bisexual. This doesn't change.

Anyways watching HTTYD at a young age changed me. Hiccstrid you will always be my origin story <3

Thanks for the ask again! We don't have to prove our queerness because we are queer. Everyone has different tastes. And m/f does get a bad reputation in queer spaces because oftentimes it's done badly and ofc the enemy.... heteronormativity [evil].

Final note re sibling fanon: if you have to turn friends into siblings just to show you're not shipping, you are coming back to heteronormativity. Why can't a (straight) man and a (straight) woman be friends only. What assumptions are you making?

[coveredinredpaint]

hi! my name is rex too and i think thats pretty cool

anyway, i was wondering if you had any tips on dressing feminine but like,,,, also being able to pass? or tips on being confident enough to not need to pass?

heyy that is pretty cool!!

im gonna be honest with you, i never really managed to pass before starting t. there were like 5 times ppl gendered me correctly but after that they immediatly "corrected" themselves. the only person who didnt was a toddler, i hope hes doing great.

all the tips and tricks ppl gave out never worked for me, never managed to figure out why, im thinking it was mostly my voice.

so i got absolutely no passing advice for you, but i can definitely tell you how to work on your confidence and say fuck you to societies ridiculous expectations

(it turned out longer than i distracted, i cant give concrete advice apparently my apologies)

tw: mention of bullying and some mental health stuff but nothing heavy

before i start i will say that it takes time. it takes time to learn and let go of this need to fit in. to learn to do your own thing even if you have to do it alone. to grow and learn who you want to be or are.

first we need to understand that expectations of how we should act or dress or look, whether based on our gender or not, are absolute bullshit. like straight up made up.

step one is kill the cop in your head. every time you judge yourself (or someone else) for something, ask why you care about that. most of the time its cause you have been taught in some way that what youre doing is not according to "the rules". this can be for the smallest things, like when i get really excited and stim about something i used to feel embarassed because "men dont act like that". sometimes i still feel that way. its not something you can just get rid of, so its important to actively affirm yourself that what youre doing is okay and that you are allowed to do what makes you happy.

dealing with yourself is already a hell of a challenge, but other people, that something else. i hope you live in an accepting area and i have heard many stories of people are queer fully accepted for it. but often thats sadly not yet the case. surely isnt for me at my school. there are people who are gonna make you feel like shit, who are gonna call you all the horrible things the voice in your brain calls you too. you are gonna wish you were "normal" sometimes, even if you dont really mean it.

going back to normal? going back in the closet? letting go of the clothes that make my feel better even on the most dysphoric days? fuck no, i finally started to get myself, my life back, im not sacrificing that for some teens whos names i dont even know. so you turn it around, no longer "why do they treat me like that" but "how dare they treat me like that" if they kick you while youre down you better bite their ankles and dont let go. most people who bully people who are "other" are terrified of what they see in us. we are living proof that their belief of how the world should work is very wrong. they call you a fag and a tranny? you better come to school next day in the gayest clothes you own. they call you an emo and bark at you? you better be dressed even more punk the next day. they may laugh at you, yell at you, even record you or push you around. it doesnt matter, they hold no power over who you are.

but please do not try and carry this alone. dont let yourself turn bitter. its is difficult to be treated like shit for simply existing. even when it doesnt hurt as much as it did its still exhausting. find someone to talk to, whether its a family member you trust, a friend, a mental health professional or other queer people online. its important not to suppress your feelings. get them out, by either talking about them or writing or making art or music.

know that its your life and you can live it however the hell you want. be kind to yourseld, be kind to others. if you are not where you want to be to right now you will in the future. cant really call it a life if you didnt live for it. it will get better, you just got to keep going and keep fighting.

[hueningoo-archive]

ok so this is my first time doing match up i kinda know who im gonna get but i wanted to try anyways (in my delulu era btw)

so im 21, entp, leo sun libra moon cancer rising, virgo mercury, cancer venus, sagittarius mars, 160 cm, i am afab and i am mostly comfortable with the gender i was assigned at birth but is this really important idk

lmy hobbies include talking and with talking i mean lots of talking(i was in the debate team in high-school), walking, biking, binge watching, cooking and baking, and of course listening music. i usually listen emotional songs or songs to go crazy no in between. for example i listen mitski at least an hour a day but i also listen the most energetic stuff out there like crayon pop bar bar bar. i really love languages and linguistics. i love dc comics, my favorite character is zatanna. i love playing videogames and especially if it is with my friends. zatanna is my favorite thing in the world btw but i can talk about batman and batfamily nonstop.

i usually get along with everyone but i am kinda paranoid believing that they don't actually like me. like they usually say that i am kind, friendly and cool but it doesn't convince me. i have a cat named robin bc i am the batman duh... i love her she is my rock. i study english language teaching. some say im manipulative but i honestly have no idea what im doing to manipulate them? i have a pretty dark sense of humor but it is not offensive at the slightest. i bully ppl i love but i also worship them again no in-between. i am respectful and helpful but if it is my family i am the opposite bc of the trauma lol.

and the things i dislike include harry potter(im the biggest hater ngl), iron man, scarlet witch, the music eva max is doing(but in the most respectful way), harry styles(not in a respectful way i despise this man), people who say superman is boring, selfishness, not putting an effort to understand other people's feelings, most men, people constantly criticizing me, myself, people who say astrology is stupid

what my potential partner can do to make me happy: they can draw zatanna for me im a simple person i love zatanna and everything they do that is slightly related to zatanna would automatically make me happy, cuddling sessions, trolling people on the internet together, them being patient with me, them liking my cooking/baking, having inside jokes together, them getting my sense of humour, them being my safe space, them being happy, them listening/reading/watching the list i made for them and linking it, them doing the same to me, them telling me their struggles and thinking that i understand them, them not getting mad at me

i match you with... beomgyu!

we all know, gyu may be quiet at first or when hes alone- but when hes around people hes the complete opposite! keeping that in mind, long conversations of god knows what are bound to happen. he'll listen to everything you have to say even if its a lot. he does value his quiet times with you though. beomgyu also listens to emotional music so expect a lot of listening to that with him. he probably also has a playlist dedicated to u lol

i think that even if beomgyu mayyy not be the best artist (ive never seen his art so idk if hes that good or not BUT STILL) he'll draw whatever as long as it makes u happy hehe. also, gyu is all for cuddling! cuddling while trolling people on the internet..?? hes all for it!!! he will literally at anything u baked/cooked, if u made it, he KNOWS it tastes good!

[dreamhot]

OH I DIDNT REALISE IT WAS SO RECENT THAT MAKES MORE SENSE for me I've been trans since i was 12 and I only recently got more comfy being [insert gender here] and using she/her pronouns. Which doesn't make me a detransitioner or a woman by any means (i cant even "pass" for a girl atp since I have facial hair)

What I have learned from this is that like. You can be whatever you want all of the time. The scaremongering about transness being this huge life changing thing are mostly lies. I was a he / him trans guy now im a she/he non binary person who looks literally more masc than i did before said realisation. It's fine to try stuff out and figure it out.

If you're really having trouble i recommend just cutting transphobia out of your life completely. Like not even arguing with it, just getting rid of it , blocking discourse about it. It's an absolute poison and it SUCKS. This includes calling it out, news stories critical of transphobia, everything. You're not a bad trans person for not engaging with your own oppression for that - sometimes you need a break from the negativity to feel more confident in yourself.

Also oddly enough having a cis boyfriend made me even more sure I wanted to transition. I won't go super into detail, but I basically ended up getting super super jealous of all his Cis Guy Things and I think that's what really cemented it for me. Especially cis guys who are chill with trans ppl can be literally some of the most validating ppl. I'll never forget when i came out, the boys' section of the soccer team I played for started hyping me up all the time, the guys in my friend group used to invite me out when they all went out together. The media and social media especially overstates the amount of transphobia the world has to offer by a long shot. There's a lot of fun and beauty in being a trans guy that gets talked about online but like. At the end of the day you're just a guy. Most people will see that lol.

Anyway ignore me getting all rambly. Good luck Lee o7

this was really sweet and helpful to read, genuinely, so thank you😭 the bit in the middle about not wanting to engage with the oppression at all... REAL and like. this is why i have a hard time explaining to certain family members that i don't enjoy 'debating' things when it feels like i'm only trying to validate my existence. mum would go on about hoping my therapist was 'challenging' me - ie, testing to see whether or not i'm ? actually nby/trans ig ?? and it's like MAN this shit is exhausting and only makes me more insecure about it, versus, yknow, how validating it feels to have people actively support it. like ... no mum i'm not just looking for yes men - i'm looking for people to understand

anyway blah blah, i'm sure i'll stop stressing about it eventually :') thank you again <33

[lautakwah]

Hi!! As a viet lesbian, I just wanted to let you know that I really look up to you!! Recently I've been having some issues reconciling what it means to be viet (and also Confucian and Buddhist tbh) and being a lesbian, and there honestly aren't a lot out there about it that I could find, especially not in English (and unfortunately my viet is too shit to really understand much of anything written in Vietnamese, let alone find it) and I was kind of wondering if you've had much experience with that!! You don't have to answer this if it's too personal or anything, it's just that it's been on my mind and I really don't know where else to talk about it so!! But, either way, I hope your day's been going well!!

hii!! been sitting on this one for a bit bc dfjkgf it's an honor but also i wasnt sure how to answer it yk,,, like im just a little guy (gender neutral) :3

but uh yeah idk i've always been a it laissez-faire about these different facets of myself since im closeted (glass closet or no, if we don't talk about it it's not a thing, you know how it is with immigrant families 🙄) to my family, who are the main viets i interact with on a regular basis ^^;;

i do know some other lgbt viets (mostly other lesbians hehe <3) and it's always heartening to find a kindred spirit, like we have so much in common and it's crazy talking abt this stuff and going "oh my god you too?? what about--", yk? and i joke abt the north/central/south stuff (north supremacy btw. what do u mean ur frm the south n xtian something is wrong with u </3) but it's genuinely nice just to find someone else who Understands

like i'd definitely recommend that if you have the chance, to put yourself out there bc the connections u can make are sooo valuable imo... like a lot of my lgbt friends of color ive met thru poc-only lgbt discords and such, and it does open a lot of doors in terms of like self-acceptance and community and finding out your experiences are shared and stuff!

that said, i don't think i've struggled specifically because im viet and trans and a lesbian, if that makes sense? like im comfortable in my identity as a viet diasporic person, and im comfortable as a nonbinary butch lesbian, and i dont see how any of those thing clash internally (externally, well. we all struggle with racism and homophobia etc and the specific ways that white society thinks it's an either-or situation and how traditional viet society can be vis-à-vis lgbt ppl and our rights etc etc etc). i think it's also like, ive accepted that i'll never be the kid my parents wished i could be, and that that's okay. it's very freeing and also scary as hell and im sure i'll need to unpack a ton of stuff still but we'll get there someday and in the meantime there are andy lau films to watch and friends to torment with cursed jpegs <3

like, the best advice i can give is that you shouldn't worry about it too much because overthinking ur identity is just going to lead to more crises, and the world is too wondrous and vast and beautiful to let it pass you by

[0xo]

ughhhhh long rant incoming

gender feelings as a two spirit Indigenous person who's reconnecting are just.,, it's something. i am doing my best. i don't really have anyone nearby irl to talk to about this really bc like. my family situation is complicated. i know who i come from and i have ppl to talk to about it and yes it is very community based but i also feel very alone sometimes. bc most everyone immediately around me irl is white or not Indigenous and like, they're cool, love my friends, but... like... there's things you don't and shouldn't share with outsiders. and im so young that it's not my place to share at all really, im not an educator, im still learning every day. but it's kind of hard to not even really be able to explain this stuff to my wife/girlfriend/close friends. and i don't really like to be that open on the internet abt specifically being two spirit bc it opens up Assumptions and Questions from strangers about shit that really is not their business at all.

it's weird! i can say that i enjoy keeping my hair in the way i do, a style mostly associated with men in my tribe, it feels good. to rest in that masculinity. i really hate ppl trying to assign me as femme or butch when like... mmm... any masculinity or femininity i have is squarely outside of what most people around me can even conceptualize. my gender is so entangled with my spirituality that it's almost pointless to try explaining it to ppl who aren't already knowledgeable. and i find a lot of comfort in seeing two spirit people talk online openly, and then i feel like a coward for not being able to do that. but im not... like... a spokesperson or representative for my people, i am not qualified for it and i honestly just don't want to be. i just want to exist. but maybe exist in a space with other people Like Me. because as awesome as my trans friends are i still feel outside.

i don't even really know how to go abt finding two spirit ppl in my area to connect with and it's nerve-wracking to even approach bc so many ppl don't mask anymore and that's a whole other issue. i guess i just feel isolated on the whole and like. online connection has been great but. i want more people in my physical life who understand queerness through an Indigenous lens and are also considerate of physical disability and that just feels like asking toooooo much.

idk just in a weird spot. i don't talk about it a ton. everyone assumes i'm white bc like, i am, i am racialized that way and i know that and that's fine. highly aware of the privilege that comes with that and how i gotta be careful. but it also leaves me very little room to talk about my actual experiences and life and My Actual Gender Identity, without people getting way too invasive or just straight up racist / on some high horse about blood quantum / bullshit bullshit bullshit. so much bullshit.

i know it's not even a fraction as bad as what other ppl deal with, i know. and i will always stick up for other Indigenous people, especially Black Indigenous people who have their "validity" as Indigenous people questioned. bc it's all just a white supremacist way to disconnect us from our family and our heritage and our traditions. Indigenous is Indigenous is Indigenous and i know that.

just struggling a bit to find where i fit in with a local community. i hate feeling like i have to give up such an innate part of myself to participate in my local queer scene without being questioned/hounded 24/7 by (mostly white, 99.99% non-Indigenous) people. like please god quit treating me weirdly or like im some unerring fount of mystical knowledge, it's not For You, im really very tired of it. im so tired.

[a-wild-things-rambles]

hi the post above finaly got me to wright down alot of my thoughts to do with john and the community's hes been part of and how that affects him [through my eyes as a younger person in alot of the same community's, looking at the people who have lead similar lives- minus the occult stuff[mostly]] its long but there is a tldr

[for context my tags on the post: #especialy “John wouldn’t probably own a bisexual flag ever or have any pride memorabilia”#that really made something click im my mind for john#alot of they way i approach john is through the lens of an old punk#idk how to explain but you have these people that are subtely off from the norm but normal people cant quite put a finger on#and you could never tell from looking that they say go to all the protests and riots and sing for the tories to die#theres people who wear it proudly#and people who hide it because of others reactions#or just cause its personal and not strangers buisness#i feel john grew up with people having enough reasons to put him down. hes not handing them more#but also theres a difference between pride in part of your identity and showing other ppl and strangers it#some stuff is very personal- im p out and proud queer but there are some other apects of my identity that im very proud of#but dont want to shout from the rooftops#cause its personal#and i think thats how john feels about his bisexuality#its part of him and i dont think he hates it#but its just. a part of him#sorry for the long tags tldr your right and i hadent thought about it like that but it makes alot of sense#john constantine]

I always feel it’s important to look at the character and the history, and not ascribe newer ideas and things to older characters- i think there is a lot of value in looking at how john would approach it differently than lot of people now- especially looking through the groups has been part of, the people I know like john [northern, working class, dysfunctional family situations, bounced around alternative groups and subcultures] sexuality isn’t really a big thing? people are accepting of queer people but. it’s just not a thing that’s announced, gender roles are being broken by most people anyway and there’s just this acceptance and disregard of labels that tends to come from being in the mixed community of all types of people who have all had millions of different labels - I found out that two of the people I consider my aunts are both bisexual cause my mum was joking about how they can pick anyone but neither have had a long term relationship. it’s just so casual, you love who you love, and you are who you are and it’s not really anyone’s business- i found out an old friend of both my parents was a trans woman- unfortunately I never met her before she passed- but I wasn’t told until years after I came out as trans because it wasn’t a big thing, just one part of the identity of an old friend. I think it’s hard for a lot of queer people to see someone talk about 'oh we don’t care about the labels' and how it’s not that important, but the way it is now and was seems to be the true ideal of that idea- no one cares about the labels- if they turn you down they turn you down, if they correct the pronouns they have corrected the pronouns, "be who you wanna be do who you wanna do". You’re the captain of your fate.

I mentioned bouncing around groups and labels, and it’s something I see a lot of irl and very much informs my view of john, I am part of a community of people who have all been through different subcultures and groups- rude boys and metalheads and hippies and punks and travellers- all having stood against the mainstream but found no one label fits them. most of the people I have met at the gatherings have very complex identities- rude boy to punk to post punk- hippie to punk and so on, the mixing and combining of subcultures to make something that’s the best of all the things you love and are- I know we talk a lot with john about him being punk/expunk- but he was a hippie for a while and has been part of many subcultures- to view him as a binary- punk and then post that, seems reductive- I know these days people have ideas more solid borders on subcultures, you’re a punk or a goth, rude boy or hippie- disregarding the long history of people being part of both or multiple groups- and the groups that form from those overlaps. so yea I think it important to acknowledge that john has been part of many subcultures and that informs him- especially the identity issues due to not being wholly one thing, it’s why my community is great- no one is simple, it always a mix- folk and punk, ska and folk, dub sets played on fiddles and banjos- it’s about celebrating our defences, and coming together in our differences to appreciate and celebrate the complexities and contradictions of others, and the things that come from that. one love and all that.

we are the sum of our experiences- and we should celebrate that!

but it comes to a point where you get tired of breaking down all the influences and your just you. are you punk? are you buy? are you a rude boy/girl? are you gender queer? you get tired of the labels and boxes and are just you- after all YOU are the sum of your experiences. other people can look at you and try an analyze you but that’s their thing- your you and the labels that used to matter don’t as much- your comfortable being you, you like some of the music some people do and some music others do- you dress like this but also like that. labels and trying to be a certain thing can get tiring, it’s easier to just be you. it’s a long road to get there- and a hard one to- but as much as I revel in being part of a group of people with the same experiences as me- it can get tiring having the only parts of my identity they engage with be the part we share- god knows I’ve made lots of friends through queer solidarity but sometimes I want to be me not the labels, to be looked at in three dimensions, its why there is a community of people whose best answer to most questions is 'it’s complicated'

ok that ran away from me but that’s why I think johns identity is complex and his queerness isn’t a big thing he shows of.

tldr: often people who go from subculture to subculture trying to find something that fits them get to old and tired to make themselves into the latest thing and no longer can be asked to care about labels and end up content being them and if u wanna try and break them down into all the separate identities then that’s your thing but it’s a bit weird mate. And that’s why I agree that johns not loud about his bisexuality.

[thetigerisariver]

Csa cw

I don't want to reopen this shitty discourse but re: those shitty posts about fandom and "fake csa allegations"

I just hate how it makes me feel so dirty. Because they really set up this dychotomy of like you either avoid everyone under 18 or you talk to minors about porn and sex and fucking. And like I fucking hate that I instantly "oh no sometimes I work teens and I'm friends with some teens does this mean I'm a predator like these people?" because my brain is garbage. But also I think it is deliberate, like these people talk in a way that's profoundly manipulative and aggressive towards people who maybe are vulnerable, which igs includes me even if I don't want to think about it and anyway my trauma is secondary to tertiary.

[ca-suffit]

First off - I really appreciate what you do here, I'm new to fandom spaces and the things you post about have crystalized what bothered me in this fandom, which has made the experience of sifting through it much easier, knowing why some people's takes make me wildly uncomfortable and why I wasn't convinced by the big blogs big loud voices yelling at me what to think and how. There's an objectivity to your words that takes me out of the shipping war, book nostalgia, societal issue-blind mindset a lot of loud people here flaunt like some intellectual commentary, when it's not.

That aside, I know you mostly comment on fandom racism, but I've been confused for some time with how this fandom deals with transgender AUs. I know that a while back there was a lot of heated discourse and some big blogs saying that Louis shouldn't be feminized, dismissing critique of patriarchy which the show makes so clear, and misinterpreting Lestat's place in the familial structure etc. Now, I'm not talking about that, I wholeheartedly agree with Louis being a feminine (and maternal) figure in regards to gender roles, and with his general demeanor, as well. Though he is more subdued in that sense and gets misinterpreted, due to people used to something more outright like Lestat's flamboyancy.

And I know a lot of fic was written at first to spite the people who were uncomfortable with the notion of a clearly feminized Louis, which brought out MPreg, A/B/O, breeding kink, crossdressing, GNC, and even trans (FTM or MTF) iterations. I've read some great work involving most of those (though I've never wanted to check out any applying to Lestat, since most of them seem ridiculous) which was careful, mindful and made sure to respectfully use real life sensitive tropes, such as transness.

But I've also seen really crude, insensitive, and outright unconvincing characterization of an FTM Louis. Empowerment through writing is great, and I know transmasc writers can vent through the process, but some work has had such blatant fetishization of trans men, and it gets lumped in with praise along other, more serious and deserving fics. Not every FTM Louis is empowering, and I just can't get behind people writing a trans man that's turned on by being called a wife, having his genitalia spoken about in an outright feminized and crude way, AND ENJOYING THE THOUGHT OF GETTING PREGNANT.

Now, I know that various people's dysphoria allows for different things, but the amount of trans men that actually have a single positive thought about pregnancy, their female genitalia being spoken about, or having womanly roles forced upon them in relationships, is so low that writing about it without consideration becomes quite offensive. If you want a mindless smut one-shot of a pregnant or willing to be Louis, go for him as a cis gay man with a breeding kink, for A/B/O, bogus science, or honestly, fucking anything besides him being an FTM.

And I say this especially because I know it's not just trans men reading those crude and smutty iterations, it's also, and mostly, people who have hurt me and many other transmasc individuals with their disgusting chaser behaviour. Talking about it brings up many hurtful memories and I won't go farther for risk of becoming too subjective and affected, but I think trans AUs really shouldn't be treated with as much ease as they are.

first, thank u for the compliments!! I don't rly hear nice things here so it's appreciated when anyone takes time to give feedback and let me know this is doing something.

second, trans stuff is still under the racial umbrella as there's a lot of trans people of color here who get ignored in favor of white fandom bullshit all the time.

idk all the ins and outs of this but my main question reading this was.....are the fics being written by trans ppl or no? Cuz it's one thing if it's trans ppl expressing a spectrum of an identity and another if it's a non trans person using an identity to meet some kind of plot end and not considering the real implications of that. It sounds like it's the latter but I got a little confused.

[juvinile]

* LÉO  DAUDIN ,  CIS MALE  +  HE / HIM  |   you  know  XAVIER  HUGHES ,  right ?  they’re  TWENTY - FOUR ,  and  they’ve  lived  in  irving  for ,  like ,  THEIR  WHOLE  LIFE ?  well ,  their  spotify  wrapped  says  they  listened  to  SAY  SAY  BY  YOUNGBLOOD  HAWKE  like ,  a  million  times  this  year ,  which  makes  sense  ‘cause  they’ve  got  that  whole  TRIPPING  OVER  LACES  YOU  KNOW  YOU  REMEMBERED  TO  TIE ,  THE  DULL  VACUUM  OF  GETTING  THE  WIND  KNOCKED  OUT  OF  YOU ,  SQUEEZING  CONSTELLATIONS  TOGETHER  TO  MAP  OUT  YOUR  FEATURES  thing  going  on .  i  just  checked  and  their  birthday  is  APRIL  30TH ,  so  they’re  a  TAURUS ,  which  is  unsurprising ,  all  things  considered .

TW  INCLUDE  anxiety tw, bullying tw, panic attack tw.

AESTHETICS :

tripping over laces you know you remembered to tie, the dull vacuum of getting the wind knocked out of you, squeezing constellations together to map out your features, chewing teeth and regret, sharp tongued anxiety like flames at your heels, bearing crushing disappointment with hard taught posture, shoving fists into your pockets, empty trophy cases collecting dust, a hazy fog of shame, reusing beer cans for whiskey, telescopes that see into the future, planets with more rings than people.

CHARACTER  INSPO :

patrick verona (10 things i hate about you), somehow both yuri’s (yuri on ice), jackson whittemore (teen wolf), tybalt (romeo and juliet), llewyn davis (inside llewyn davis), luther (umbrella academy. this one hurts to admit bt theres some parallels there. don’t execute me), haymitch abernathy (the hunger games), the premise of being an antihero, the trope of a bully that stops bullying ppl, scary looking dog that lives next door (my apartment)

GENERAL STATISTICS :

full name :  xavier donovan hughes

age / dob :  twenty four / april 30th

gender :  cis male

pronouns :  he / him

faceclaim :  léo daudin

orientation :  pansexual

residence :  orion avenue / delphinus heights

occupation :  zoinkies employee

pinterest :  HERE !

BIOGRAPHY :

they weren’t always irving natives, but no one can seem to recall when the hughes moved in to the big house at the end of the cul-de-sac on orion avenue. there’s probably a rational explanation for this but no one really bothers to find out. what a fun little moment of foreshadowing for xavier’s life. 

xavier was born in irving some time after the mysterious arrival of his parents. an only child, he would be the sole inheritor of the family estate (something they always told him and he was always like lmao what the fuck are u talking about). there’s probably a second home somewhere, maybe two or three, xavier assumes. makes sense because his parents were and are literally never home.

when they were home they were putting pressure on him to live up to some expectation that he wasn’t confident he could ever reach. he played like 5 different sports as a kid and was really good at most of them, but roadblocks would start to get in the way of that later.

he was also a really smart child but left to his own devices too much. grew up too fast and too slow simultaneously. he had a strict curfew, strict diet, manners classes, everything to prepare him for. what? 

xavier was a really smart child, blessed with private tutors and language coaches, a revolving door of adults to latch onto when his parents weren’t around. none of them permanent, and mastery of everything he did was always expected. 

in high school his parents refined their hopes for him. a soccer scholarship, xavier’s least favorite sport but the one with the most promise, the most room for growth and potential to make good on the hughes family name. he was instructed to quit everything else, even told to fall back in school if it was necessary. he repeated a grade. everything was harder then.

truthfully he’s really good a soccer, but he gets horrible anxiety before every match. it wasn’t along before that anxiety started spreading to. basically everything he did. 

lashed out at most people because he didn’t want to appear weak. was not a nice person in high school at all. had more enemies than friends and the friends he did have weren’t the most well liked people around, didn’t have the best reputations. didn’t want anyone to know how anxious he was so he forced himself out of his shell so much it hurt. 

his girlfriend cheated on him senior year with a guy he was unwilling to admit he kind of loved himself. it was the final straw that broke the camel’s back. he’d gotten a scholarship to a small in state school for soccer already and he played a season, literally did so bad. couldn’t even go to class because he was doing so bad. he got a second season chance to redeem himself and kind of shit the bed with that one too. lost his scholarship and his parents made him come home.

now that he’s back he does pretty much whatever he wants, and his parents pretend not to care (they’re never around to notice anyway) as long as he works a steady job. he’s officially really stuck in life with no backup plan for his future. all he knows right now is that he regrets the way he treated. pretty much everyone.

but forgiveness is never easy.

PERSONALITY :

extroverted. introspective. intelligent, philosophizing about the greater meaning of things. anxious, buried under a lot of deflective techniques. relatively keeps to himself. overworked and put out, most of the time, it seems. big fan of bottling things up and collecting these feelings on his shelf. good at small goals, horrible at the big picture stuff. not organized. defensive of and loyal to a close circle. regretful. slothful, lately. passionate, mostly about outer space and pole vaulting. soccer hater. 

WANTED CONNECTIONS :

people he bullied in school that still hate him and look at him weird when he crosses the street.

someone he was a dick to in school who he’s always fighting with now.

ex soccer team members ... ex track team members .. maybe one of them saw him have a panic attack before a match. keep it a secret between themselves.

people who crash at his house when his parents aren’t home (which is always)

people who think his family is involved in shady illegal shit (they could be, xavier doesn’t know what they’re always doing)

coworkers at zoinkies? he’s notoriously bad at his job because he literally doesn’t try at all but somehow doesnt get fired. pretty privilege probably

people who want to see the good in him idk soft 

hook ups he probably has a few but hes emotionally unavailable. recurring trend in my muses.

[im-a-goddamn-cat]

idk if this is bad but idk if it's good either... so, i wasn't very active today bc most of today was spent coming out as nonbinary to my parents and brother. it went well but also kinda didn't? idk. i sent a text message to my mom for everyone to read while i went on a walk around my neighborhood twice; i was too scared to be there when they read it. we did also talk about it in person when i got home tho. they said they accept the way identify and will try to use my pronouns/terms. there was one thing i mentioned wanting to do that they didn't accept, which kinda hurts, but it's fine, i think i can pursue it without them (if the seed of doubt they planted into my brain doesn't grow). my parents also seemed confused about nonbinary/trans identity and kinda questioned me on some things but yeah. tbh they still even seem confused my sexuality so that wasn't surprising lmao. just today my mom was yet again asking who i'm attracted to even tho i've already told her multiple times. (ngl tho the way she asked this time was kinda hilarious... she was like "if you could go on a date with either scully or mulder, who would you pick" lmao) my brother seemed the most understanding of it out of everyone, which i expected.

idk how i feel rn. i'm happy that i've come out and gotten this off my chest and that everyone seems accepting but something about how it happened feels wrong. i almost feel like no one is actually going to make an effort to use my correct pronouns/terms and that this will just be swept under the rug. i also feel like everyone still thinks of me as a woman. obviously it will take some getting used to bc they've known me as a woman for a very long time but idk. i think my brother might be the best at it at first tho, it's mostly my parents i'm worried about. there's also the other thing that they're not supportive of that's kinda making me feel bad...

idk. another thing is, is that i feel like such a burden on this family. i'm so high maintenance compared to my brother. i feel like i just constantly put strain on my family, whether it's my mental health, the way i act, my sexuality/gender identity, everything. i really wish i lived on my own or with other ppl instead of my parents and brother. i feel like everyone, including myself, would be happier that way. i would still be telling them this stuff through like, text or something but i think that would be better than having to deal with it face to face everyday.

uh yeah. idk. i'm happy rn but also i'm not? hopefully this was just a bumpy start and it will get better from here

[steal-this-album]

all the odd numbers for the ask game!!

1. How old were you when you found out you were autistic?

i was 15 years old, as in this year :'D i am self dx but my counselor is Suspecting Something untreated lol

3. Do you have any comorbidities? Or just autism?

i do!! i have adhd and psychosis (both prof. dx)

5. What do you wish more people knew about autism?

that YES allistics, it DOES suck always being the sexiest and coolest person in the room 😔 /j

7. Do you find it hard to make friends?

most of the time nope! especially with other nd people!! i'm a huge extrovert and i love to drag ppl around if given the right opportunity lol <3 BUT if someone new (usually neurotypicals jdgshsj) gives me a Single Red Flag i will just. instantly lose all interest lmao

9. What was your first special interest?

FUN FACTS!!! <3<3 literally had it ever since i could read lmao

11. If you could give any advice to your younger self, what would it be?

question your gender. then do it again. then question your sexuality. then question your ge- (basically. embrace who you are n what you like!! it's good and natural to have "phases"!!! do whatever makes you happy!!!!)

13. Tell us an autistic person that you really look up to.

uhh um uh *points at my mutual* hi @autistic--cryptid i rly like ur stim blogs and ur super nice <3<3

15. Have you ever received any accommodations for your autism in either school or work?

yep! i haven't had an official job yet, but for school i did have an IEP and then a 504 plan for a few years. recently they discontinued it (and set up a more informal plan) because i've been doing good in schoolwork (mostly /pos). atm it's mostly getting alternatives for public speaking, being able to step out of class if it's overwhelming, extensions on deadlines, etc

17. Do you own any stim toys? Which is your favorite?

yes!! and I LOST MY FAVORITE ONEEE idk where it is :[ i have these (first one is my fav i lost, all the colors shown are the same ones i have)

ID: three fidget toys. They are an orange chain key ring, a yellow fidget cube, and blue and pink liquid motion timer. / End ID

i also have a fidget pen but it broke :[

19. What kinds of things are sensory hell for you?

fabrics are a Big Deal to me :'] i absolutely hate fleece sherpa and faux fur. a lot of blankets are just Bad Feeling to me so i like to use bath towels (which also have to be a certain texture lol). also MY CIELING FAN AAGHH when it's on, the blades get in the way of the light and it makes things flash slightly so i can't look up. idk if that makes sense but yea

21. How open are you usually when it comes to being autistic?

somewhat open ig, esp since i don't have a formal diagnosis. i still talk a lot about my Symptoms lol

23. What's the longest you've ever had a special interest for?

uhhh idk how to tell?? for me it's like i've always had them, i just primarily fixate on different ones at different times. but again i've had fun facts pretty much since i could read lol

25. Do you have shutdowns?

yea, more often than meltdowns

27. Do you have any vocal stims or echolalia?

yes a lot!! i vocal stim a lot more with both noises, phrases, and songs, but my echolalia is mostly of noises or single words ^^

29. Are your friends and/or family accepting of your autism?

they're very accepting of my other neurodivergence + disability stuff, so it won't be a big deal lol

31. Do you have a comfort item? If you feel comfortable with it, then show it to us.

YESS THESE MY BELOVEDS!! the coraline doll was made by someone my mom knew and given to me as a christmas/birthday gift, since coraline is a spin of mine ^^ i've had the dog since i was a baby lol, and it makes a lot of Good Noises like rattling (in the paws) and crinkling (on the ears) :D

ID: two stuffed toys against the lap of OP, who is wearing a blue shirt and yellow pants. The first is a hand-crocheted doll of Coraline (from the movie Coraline). The second is a multicolored dog, which is mostly red, and each of its paws are a different color. The bottoms of its paws are reflective. / End ID

33. Foods you are sensitive to (maybe because of bad texture for instance)?

fatty meats :[ which unfortunately comes up a lot bc i'm mexican lol. also tomatoes 😔

35. Have you ever used a weighted blanket?

i have one!! i don't use it that often because my bed is small and i can't move around a lot on it lol, so it gets a bit frustrating to readjust :P

37. Do you enjoy holidays or are they sensory hell to you?

OK WELL. i love the holidays bc yayy fun giving gifts to friends or whatever but i CANNOT STAND the ""holiday"" themed scents. At All. the thanksgiving/christmas Sugar Cinnamon Roll Gingerbread Party Explosion shit is so fucking overwhelming and I Hate It. and my english teacher puts on a wax burner in her room w that stuff :[

39. What's the most comfortable/sensory friendly outfit you own?

actually the one i have on rn is pretty cool lol. the shirt is a very loose and soft button up, and also yellow sweatpants bc yellow is my favorite color and Sweatpants Are Comfy. also shirts that feel crocheted/knitted are very nice <3

41. If you date people then would you prefer to date other autistic people?

i do prioritize all relationships with neurodivergent people lol, so yeah it would be nice :]

43. If you could have any item related to your special interest what would it be?

uhh UHHH hm. if it counts then i want moshi monsters back 😔😔

45. Favorite autistic celebrity?

i see @jupitrr in posts in the wild so fle is a celebrity in my mind <3

47. Do you happy flap?

yeap!!! with my hands and my wings lmao :D i also do i ton of other happy stims, like snapping my fingers, shaking my fists, jumping, groaning, shaking my arms, clapping, and hitting my head lol

49. What's something you find hard to do because of autism?

EYE CONTACT.... also wording my thoughts + feelings :[ a bunch of other things too but mostly those

ask game link

[fucker-anon]

Puppeteer Headcanons

K so this mans has been living in my head rent free since I first laid eyes on them (like 2013) so here are my headcanons about their backstories, personalities, and more. Some are inspired by the original stories and lore, some are inspired by other bloggers, some are me self-projecting. Warning there are mentions of dark themes so keep caution. Also i am not a writer, (im sorry) @creepy-bi-day enjoy!!

Puppeteer~

Backstory: 

Puppeteer was born as Jonathon Blake on July 23, 1974

Mother was Hispanic, dad was American. He grew up speaking Spanish and English. He also never really got along with both sides of the family cause he’s mixed (they didn’t like that). They kinda preferred his siblings.

had 4 younger siblings (3 girls, 1 boy). He was 4 years older than the second child.

ever since he could walk he was obsessed with musical theater. For a while his family was able to Johnny to theater camp. Stopped after the 3rd child was born due to financial reasons

parents were working full time to take care of their family. meant Johnny was basically acting like a 3rd parent. good news was he was able to take care of all 4 of them and meet their basic need of being fed, staying clean etc. bad news it meant that he was taking care of them 24/7 and was constantly tired and not taking care of himself. Started to develop symptoms of depression, but couldn’t get help due to the stigmas around mental health + he’s a guy.

got worse in highschool when his work load increased and he wanted to do more in drama and music but couldn’t cause he had to take care of his siblings. He also didn’t make many close friends except for one girl in his drama class Erma. 

Erma was his best friend and they started dating in their second year of highschool. She helped him as much as she could with his mental health, their studies, and even helped babysit some days. They brought out the best in each other. 

Erma loved dance and wanted to become a ballerina, but her parents tried to keep her focus on studies. They did allow her to take theater which she also loved. Her parents were very strict and controlling so she had to hid her relationship.

It wasn’t until the second child turned 13 (johnny was 17), when she started to help out more with the other three siblings (12f, 9f, 7m). Thanks to her help and now they were in a better financial position, johnny was able to join plays and bands which had afterschool practices.

He was really good. He discovered he was born with perfect pitch and was able to get the lead in a play in his final year. This was also when he was able to score a scholarship so some of his uni fees would be paid for.

he decided to major in theater and wanted to go on Broadway or at least become a drama teacher

however when apply for uni, Erma’s parents discovered their relationship and they offered Erma a choice, break up with johnny or else they wouldn’t pay for Erma’s schooling. They hated johnny mostly due to racism and the fact that he wasnt going into a “stable career”. Erma choose to break up with Johnny but didn’t want to tell him these reasons cause she knew that it would upset him. So instead she told him that she’s fallen out of love and wanted to break up.

Johnny agreed mostly to make her happy, but this started his spiral downwards.

Johnny didn’t have any friends other than Erma, he also went to uni in a different city so he didn’t have his family there. His depression got really bad, and he ended up isolating himself and failing first term. He decided to kill himself via hanging. Problem is he wasn't heavy enough to kill himself right away, so he was suffering for hours. 

He spent his last few hours allowing himself to finally “be selfish” and allowed himself to be angry at his family, Erma, and his overall life.

due to this anger, he was able to come back as a ghost, wanting others to feel the same pain as him.

when he came back he was able to change his body into his idea of a perfect vessel, some improvement were making himself taller, better hair, clear face, smooth voice, bigger dick.  and now feeds off of negative energy

Personality:

cold-hearted, cunning, manipulative, a smooth talking, somewhat charming. this is the very carefully crafted version of Puppeteer, He’s the guy who could talk you into doing anything, mostly stuff like jumping off a bridge

however once you get close to him, you see more of Johnathon than puppet. He is very protective of his close friends, will fuss over them and scold them if they aren’t taking care of themselves

good luck getting there tho. After Erma he really had a hard time opening up to ppl due to his fear that they will all leave him at one point. 

Powers:

he feeds off of negative energies, the more trauma the better (finally imma a snack), so he usually influences his victims into a deep depressed state where they off themselves. However once he started hanging out with the creeps (mansion au), he really didn’t need to do that since everyone is a lil fucked up. He just feeds off a little bit of everyone, so that no one is really affected. At this point, he probably has enough energy to outlive the fucking queen

He’s a ghost so he can levitate at most like 10 m above the ground, and if he focuses, he can go through walls and become invisible. 

he has golden strings due to the ectoplasm inside of him (make his eyes and mouth glow to). This strings are like limbs, They are tough to break but if you do its gonna hurt him a lot. They can extend up to 60 ft, and are about 1 cm thick. 

Fun Facts (cause idk how to categorize these)

lots of trauma, need therapy. he feels a lot of shame for what happened and only opens up to his very close friends. again born in 70′s, theres the toxic masculinity and some internalized homophobia. 

still a theater kid!! love musicals and can still sing and play guitar. His vocal cords are a lil more sensitive cause the whole hanging thing, but as long as he warms up, can has the range baby. also has Macbeth memorized

can still cook. while he doesn’t like his past and doesn’t need to eat. He wrote down all of the recipes he knew and will sometimes make them again

dick is 6.5 inchs soft 7.5 hard, i know y’all wanted to know. if also like 6′2 tall. tall big boi

i hc him as pansexual. yea he rather died again than admit that he loves someone, but he won’t care about gender. he still is cis tho.

he does fuck. not often but occasionally. slightly lower sex drive than average 

grunge king. he grew up in poverty and he great at diy. very leans more punk grunge but can be soft grunge depending on his mood. love beanies and his hair is a little longer than chin length with lots of layers. He is tempted to shave off the sides of his head tho. also has grunge and punk music on his playlists.

bad with tech. like the opposite of ben. gets called an old man since he couldn’t figure out how the tv remote works.

he doesn’t grow facial hair, doesn’t like the look.

acts like he’s too proper to cuss, but he does.... a lot

experienced some racism while growing up so he does say ACAB

probably has some piercings or tattoos or both 

still is depressed, has some tough days, but doctor ej gets him pills to help and he has a good support system

shit this was a lot so Helen is next with another post. ill get into their friendship and relationships with other in a whole new post if yall like it. someone tell me if this gives joy cause i could write an essay on this man

[qualidude]

Hi!! I was wondering if I could talk to you abt something bc i sometimes see ppl reaching out to you but it's ok if you don't want to or if something I say is wrong or inappropriate just ignore it. but like i always had some issues w/ my body bc im afab but some older ppl in my family usually say I don't have big enough breasts or say the way I dress and am isn't very feminine and even though I think I always rejected things that are perceived as too feminine I still internalized a lot of feeling wrong about my body/ the way i am and then when I was a teen I realized I was a lesbian and i thought "oh that's it, there's that". But since then (I'm 23 now) ive been learning and realizing stuff about gender and how i feel about everything and i started feeling like i don't wanna really get put in this woman box my family taught me and "everyone" expects but im not uncomfortable with my pronouns and i also had a moment when a person questioned me about transitioning unprompted and i felt uncomfortable bc i don't wanna be perceived as a guy. And here on tumblr I learned about non binarity and stuff which makes sense to me bc i started looking at myself and instead of going like "ok I'm a woman" i just try to see myself for myself and it makes so much more sense? but i also feel somewhat wrong like I'm being disrespectful or lying bc i actually prefer using she/her and i don't really wanna ~come out to most the ppl in my life about this. And i don't care being called a girl or a boy (in my first language most words are gendered so I don't care too if someone refers to me with a masculine gendered word, depending on the tone and who says it I guess). And also i realized I don't wanna reject all feminine stuff I just don't wanna be viewed as a woman conforming to what is expected. But yea I feel wrong bc it's all more about how i wanna look like and be perceived I guess (?) Like i wanna be androgynous looking or dress like it or have like a aura idk and also i feel much more comfortable viewing myself, as I said earlier, me just like me not trying to fit the expectations of gender binarity. I guess I'm sending this ask bc i don't know who to talk to and express these feelings and also bc idk if this is a big deal or if I'm wrong in anyway bc i feel kinda like im an imposter or something and I'm resisting talk to ppl close to me about it bc of it too like i only talked to two ppl but really superficially(?) Idk and I'm sorry too if this is confusing! If this ask is ok and idk you could give me advice or some input or anything that could help and i could come off anon for it to be private I would really like it. (I'm sending this in anon bc im somewhat scared jsjsja) but again if this is too much or inappropriate I'm really sorry

sorry this took me so long to get around to answering! I’ve been mostly offline the past few days 💖

I want to start by saying you are absolutely valid in your feelings about gender and it doesn’t make you any less non-binary to prefer she/her pronouns for yourself. Gender is a very individual experience and no two people feel exactly the same! ♥️ You don’t have to change anything about your body or appearance to be trans. The only thing that makes someone trans is that they experience their assigned gender differently from cis people in that same group.

It is also totally valid for you to not want to come out to people in your life for any reason, be that safety or just for your own comfort. I still have not come out to my family, not because I’m necessarily scared of their reaction as much as they haven’t really shown me that they are deserving of that conversation because of how much emotional work I would have to do to help them understand me. Instead, I’ve been surrounding myself with people who do understand me and see me for who I am already.

My best advice to you would be to keep talking to the people you’re comfortable talking to, and to approach others in your life at your own pace and comfort. It’s okay if you never end up telling them! You might find yourself getting closer to the people you can talk about it with, and drifting away from the other people in your life, and that’s totally okay too! I have replaced many friends over the years who weren’t able to get on my level