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#I never felt myself worth of it
asavt · 6 months
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Oh shit ten days until my birthday
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thepoisonroom · 1 month
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'I flirted with the idea that instead of being trans that I was just a cross-dresser (a quirk, I thought, that could be quietly folded into an otherwise average life) and that my dysphoria was sexual in nature, and sexual only. And if my feelings were only sexual, then, I wondered, perhaps I wasn’t actually trans.
I had read about a book called The Man Who Would Be Queen, by a Northwestern University professor who believed that transwomen who were attracted to women were really confused fetishists, they wanted to be women to satisfy an autogynephilia. And though I first read about this book in the context of its debunkment and disparagement, I thought about the electricity of slipping on those tights, zipping up those boots, and a stream of guilt followed. Maybe this professor was right, and maybe I was only a fetishist. Not trans, just a misguided boy.
About a year later, on the Internet, I come across a transwoman who added a unique message to the crowd refuting this professor. Oh, I wish I remember who this woman was, and I wish even more that I could do better than paraphrase her, but I remember her saying something like this: “Well, of course I feel sexy putting on women’s clothing and having a woman’s body. If you feel comfortable in your body for the first time, won’t that probably mean it’ll be the first time you feel comfortable, too, with delighting in your body as a sexual thing?”'
-Casey Plett, Consciousness
#this quote always moves me almost to tears when i remember it#i'm not a trans woman and i don't share the author's specific experiences with transition#but it really moves me that she frame transition as joyfully giving yourself permission to approach your body#not as something that has to be disciplined and deprived and made small in all these various ways#but as a means for experiencing pleasure and joy and delight and for insisting that our feelings and desires are worth#valuing and exploring and treasuring#i always used to think of prioritizing those things for myself as selfish and irresponsible#but who does it harm to want to experience pleasure in your own body?#it's such a beautifully simple and powerful switch to have flip in your head#and equally why are we forced to deny our own pleasure in transition and anything else related to our bodies in the name of moral rectitude#this is why i get so confused and pissed off when other trans people are fatphobic for example#like why are you so invested in politics of shame and disgust that never had any purpose other than#violently disciplining people as if they've violated moral codes by existing in a body#to say nothing of white people being racist in gay and trans communities#like again this system of violence is foundational to homophobia and transphobia#so why are you acting like it has nothing to do with you#even if you are unmoved by the urgency of other people's suffering which btw you should be moved by#what do you hope to gain by acting a collaborator and handmaiden to those systems#Casey Plett#she really is one of my favorite authors i wish more non-canadians read her#this quote is from a series of columns she did ont transition and every single one is a banger#i love when she talks about the people-pleasing elements of dysphoria and transition denial#she's so sharp about noting how many of us deny our own dysphoria on the grounds that others like and validate our bodies#that's how i always felt during my cis conventionally feminine era#it pleased other people so much and also that reception felt so hollow and joyless to me because i hated it#i get less of that positive feedback but that feels so unimportant next to the joy and pleasure i get to experience#said with the understanding that i'm very privileged in being able to prioritize those things without fear. but it was a switch flip#personal nonsense
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spaceratprodigy · 3 months
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🎉 [ Art from 2022-2023 ] 🎉
Happy Birthday to my most favorite person in the world, the love of my life 🖤
I still can't believe this'll make our 10th year of being best friends and even more I can't believe we get to celebrate our 8th anniversary this summer 💖💕
Commission Info | Ko-Fi | My Links
#I was gonna type out more but I decided I didn't want to be too sappy and emotional on main#so much has happened in these past 10 years#I can't believe I made it this far I really did not think I was going to have a future#but I did and I do#I have the most wonderful partner who I connect with in a way I never thought was possible#I am capable of being loved I am capable of loving in return#I learned how to love myself and be unapologetically myself for myself#I lost a lot of people and some very much for the better#I've become so so much happier my god I never thought I'd ever know what this felt like#I'm still angry and numb and having to battle depression but I've grown I've finally become someone worth being proud of#I'm no longer letting that anger and grief and everything that comes with it take over#I can't believe I've actually become gentler and kinder#I can't believe I've actually made genuine friends with people who are nice and caring and supportive#and are actually happy to see me and not trying to take advantage of me at every opportunity I'm finally seen as a person#I can't believe I'm finally in a safe environment I don't have to be terrified anymore I'm not going to be hurt anymore#I can't believe how far I've come creatively bc of how much bf has supported my every passion wholeheartedly#he is the reason I have a drawing tablet he is the one who encourages me and cheers on everything I do#god I still don't know how I could ever in my life thank you enough for every goddamn wonderful thing you do for me#you have changed everything for the better none of this would have ever happened if it wasn't for you#it's always been you#I fucking love you#more than anything in this universe and the next#forever and always#my art#glad I listened to my first tag lmao
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show-tunes · 1 year
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Little guy
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demigodofhoolemere · 3 months
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I’ve been seeing this float around on Facebook lately and it’s bugging the crud out of me:
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What is with everyone’s obsession with insisting it’s bad to need to be rescued? For as long as the human race has been on the planet, people have had problems that they needed other people’s help to resolve. Needing help is not a failing nor should it be the takeaway from these princesses’ stories as if it’s a bad thing that makes them weak. Yes, they do need help. Your point?
Snow White and Aurora were both under a curse that rendered each of them effectively dead. Were they supposed to magically wake themselves up? I’d want to be rescued if I were them. Plus, breaking it down to “she needed a prince” belittles the efforts of the Seven Dwarfs and the Three Good Fairies, who did most of the legwork in the resolution of their respective movie plots out of deep platonic love for the girls under their care. Then there’s Cinderella, who lived in an abusive household. It’s not a weakness that she wasn’t able to get out of that situation on her own, and once again, giving all the credit to the prince (and credit where credit is due, he did search far and wide for her and was able to take her away from that life in the end) detracts from the aid provided by the Fairy Godmother who enabled her to get out in the first place. All of these ladies had more helpers than just their princes, and it is because of the combined love and efforts of all of these people that our heroines were able to have their happy endings. There are plenty of great stories where the heroine is able to fight for herself, but these particular stories aren’t about that because these ladies are each in terrible circumstances where they simply don’t have the ability to do so. They do what they can, but in the end they can’t save themselves alone and there’s nothing wrong with that. These are beautiful stories about having people in your life that value you enough to fight for you when you can’t fight for yourself. Wouldn’t we all want someone to come to our rescue when there’s nothing we can do about our situation? Is it not a good and comforting moral to show that there are people in your corner who will show up for you no matter what the circumstances?
The other thing that’s bugging me about this:
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Leia has to be rescued. By a man, and at that, one who could technically be seen as a prince. No one bats an eye at this, because it’s understood that she’s being held prisoner on the Death Star and couldn’t possibly be expected to get out of that on her own. It’s not seen as a weakness that someone had to come for her and take her away from there. Leia is awesome and is rightfully acknowledged as a great heroine, but she also needs help sometimes, because everybody does.
So WHY do people get so hung up on these princesses who also shouldn’t be expected to get out of their own prison cells of eternal sleep or abusive family by themselves? Why the strong negative reaction to girls needing outside help in such serious scenarios? For all that people say these stories teach girls to sit and wait for a man to save them, the stories themselves absolutely never try to say that, and frankly, with the opposite trend in recent years of fictional women who have to do everything on their own and can’t be shown to need help because they have to be the Strong Female Character, I’d be far more concerned about the impact that would have on girls. Far better to say you might need help at some point in your life than to instill the idea that you’re not a strong girl or not good enough if you can’t do everything by yourself.
Anyway. Justice for the classic Disney princesses.
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newfeeling77 · 2 months
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i love my friends so much my connection with other ppl makes my life worth living. i love finding common ground and understanding with regular people and understanding im part of something bigger than ill ever truly comprehend, because human relationships (to me) are another plane of understanding and love, from short once in a lifetime interactions to lifelong friendships, because its about memories and how much of a wonderful scrapbook you can make of your experiences… im grateful for every second no matter how painful or scary because i know its my only shot at living which means so much to me because i wasnt always sure id make it… i was going to just put this in my notes app out of embarrassment for sincerity but everyone i interact with gives me this feeling and that includes you people on here. its really incredible
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insomniacmelancholy · 20 days
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I think about this tweet once a week
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cxffeeink · 4 months
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the me far off in the future is peering through glass at me somewhere 🍁🍂
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I might end up editing this but just last week, our school held this huge campout just about everyone was to participate in. It was five hours away and I had the time of my life-- despite bearing the responsibilities of a squad leader on my shoulders and having to run and jog over rolling hills at every sounding whistle, it felt like being a little kid again.
I crept through and under rope and sand scattered over obstacle courses built for us-- I found dust and mud on my hands and simply rubbed them off, sprinting off to the next activity, the next endeavor-- wind blowing my hair back into my face and such. My eyes shone with something I felt was somewhat lost-- when I stood in line and I was given simple orders and lengthy instructions, I could have been mistaken for a puppy. What this feeling was was in the trees, it was in the winds that blew over the farms; the spirit of a certain freedom and childlikeness had made its way back to me, and I had danced with it and bounded across the grasses with it for as long as I could.
I know that I am here now and I may never find myself among the red narra again (we took a tour of the whole place. They told me the narra were rumored to be more than thirty years old. We all wondered what it would be like if they could speak) or in the woods I could never bring myself to forget, but perhaps you could find a girl-- no older than sixteen-- running, wind in her hair and face, running towards the second blow of a whistle or to the next thing she and her group would duly accomplish. Maybe you'll find traces of who I was in those precious moments, the me I left behind at camp-- she is still here, somewhat. But it's not quite the same.
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regret-breathing · 16 days
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ive started calling the femme ive been growing closer to over the last nine or ten months my sweetheart. im truly not beating the old man allegations on this one.
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olliecoded · 25 days
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i straight up DO NOT know if i can finish this paper.
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bloodandfruit · 4 months
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literally the answer to like every problem I ever have is
do an offering about it
and I just need to get to a place where I can remember that before things get critical
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daz4i · 10 months
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i am so angry about being alive it's not even funny anymore
#what's the point in any of this 😐 i will literally never be okay. i never have been okay. I've had debilitating anxiety since birth#it's not going to go away it's literally getting worse as i grow older and so is my depression#hate to hear ppl say it gets better when I've been gradually getting worse since i was like 13#which is extremely funny. bc when i was 13 is when most of my suicide attempts took place#at least i was active and took initiative back then 🙄 i only became too tired to keep trying since#i don't want to kill myself i just want to be dead. I'm tired. I'm angry. I'm always feeling awful. nothing is worth it#even when i feel good it's like 1% of how bad i always feel. and it's not like there's much good to go around anyway#i don't understand now people don't constantly feel like losing their mind over how shit life is truly#there's this line in nlh actually. where yozo asks how come ppl don't constantly want to kill themselves. and yeah felt#i can barely distract myself anymore bc nothing is stimulating enough esp when I'm alone#and i don't. care enough. about anything. to want to stay alive. like i said nothing is worth it. idc if ppl would be sad sorry#i don't even know what I'm saying anymore man. idk why I'm doing so bad rn. it's been a tough week ig.#nothing actually happened but everything is just. less than average. a little worse than neutral. just enough to be grating#i don't want to kill myself but i wish i could#wish i wasn't a coward wish i didn't fear permanent damage or hospitals or even just pain i have no control over#nothing happened but everything sucks. existence is disappointing. i would like to stop#vent#suicide //#negative //#ask to tag#i genuinely don't know what to do now. i can't distract myself. i probably shouldn't fall asleep when I'm like that#(at least if i don't want to have nightmares like i did all week and for tomorrow to be even worse)#tbh i doubt i even COULD fall asleep like that lol my brain's working too fast as usual 😐#sigh. sorry for the vent. trying to clear some of the dirt off my psyche
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sombreset · 2 months
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.(slight abuse mention/personal stuff)
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vescien · 11 months
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and i dream - june ‘23
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ghost-proofbaby · 11 months
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hi bff idk if you're the type to give advice so it's totally fine if you don't answer BUT : there's a story i've been working on for the past few days and i wanna post it but i think all of it sounds stupid? i know the best way to get better at writing is to keep writing but like - i read your stories all the time and i want to be good like that but i'm worried i'll always sound stupid
hi love!!
i’ll be honest — every time before i post a story, i still have that moment of “god i sound stupid don’t i”. sometimes i’ll even get it in the middle of writing. even after how long i’ve been posting (not just in this fandom), no matter how many stories i’ve written, even with the knowledge that you all are always so goddamn kind towards me, that terrible self doubt still exists.
i’ve been writing for over a decade. this is what i want to do career wise. and even then, i’m still by no means one of the best/a great example, because there’s still tons of flaws in my writing. for every story posted that you guys have enjoyed, there’s at least 3 that are simply bad, or had to be completely scrapped, or i had to rewrite.
my point is — don’t feel that you sound stupid. even the writers you enjoy feel they sound stupid at times. this is fandom, and it’s meant to be fun. post that writing. draw that niche art. stand by your headcanons. i promise you there will ALWAYS be at least one other person who’s gonna look at it and just get absolutely giddy and feel love for it. i pinky swear. 🖤 so go for it. and if you feel no one’s gonna support you, just know i’m always here on the sidelines, with my lil pom poms, cheering you right on. 🖤
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blueberrybanee · 9 months
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Me after finally facing my fears and getting a wolfcut + my ears pierced for the first time within the last 4 days;
youtube
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