#but i’m unlearning the harmful things I believed about myself

[vescien]

and i dream - june ‘23

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

up until recently i ran a pretty popular radfem blog (stay with me, this ask is in good faith) but after i took a social media detox, i realized i don’t share those beliefs anymore and in fact i might be trans myself. i just kind of abandoned the blog, but i’d feel bad if i didn’t tell my followers what happened. i’m scared of telling anyone because i feel like i’d be a bad feminist if i transitioned. (i know, you can be trans and a feminist just fine, but that’s just the kind of thing radfems tell you.) even worse, i’m scared of posting about it on my main or radfem blog because radfems and trans people by and large hate each other (obv), and i’m scared to mention i’ve been in both groups because of the hate i’ll get

Lee says:

When I first started as a mod, I would have told you that you need to immediately post on all your blogs to disown the transphobic beliefs you had previously expressed to try to make up for the harm that you may have perpetrated as a radfem.

Now that I'm a little older, my feelings on the topic have shifted a bit. Before anything else, I think you need to slow down and make sure that you ensure your own safety and mental health.

If you believe that revealing this change to your followers could result in backlash online that would affect you emotionally, it's crucial to prepare by turning off anonymous asks and muting notifications from social media apps.

You should also make sure you have a non-online place to turn for support. If they used to be your community, you may feel like you've lost online friends, so make sure you don't become too isolated. Instead, lean on your IRL connections and seek support from trans-friendly people in your community.

You may even want to consider looking for a therapist-- questioning being trans can be difficult for anyone, and adding a layer of internalized transphobia doesn't help.

When you're ready to share your feelings on your blog, you should write a thoughtful post explaining your journey. You don't have to justify your identity; rather, focus on your personal growth, how your views have evolved, and how you came to understand yourself better. Acknowledge the complexity of the situation and that you're still learning.

These people were once your buddies and there's a chance you may be able to make some of them question their beliefs too if you don't lash out at them and trigger that instinctual defensive us-versus-them mindset, so I would try to keep a friendly tone even while noting that you no longer support them.

So thank your followers for their support and engagement over the years, but tell them you aren't comfortable staying part of their community now that you've realized that the beliefs underpinning the group are doing damage and you are trying to unlearn that type of thinking.

Gently challenge any misconceptions you once held or promoted. Clarify that being trans and feminist are not mutually exclusive and that everyone deserves respect and equality, regardless of their gender identity.

If you're comfortable, share resources that helped you on your journey. This could be educational materials, support groups, books you found helpful, or contact information for trans-supportive LGBTQ+ organizations. If there's anything you'd recommend to others who were once in the same place as you were on getting out, this is the time to share your advice.

Understand that reactions will likely be mixed. Some followers may feel confused, betrayed, or angry, while others might be supportive or even share their similar experiences. Remember, you're not responsible for their reactions and you don't need to respond to them if you don't want to argue and they aren't willing to have a respectful conversation.

Be clear about your boundaries. Let your followers know what kind of comments you're willing to engage with and that hate or harassment won't be tolerated. You can even stop engaging with the account altogether if you don't think you can deal with the hate that you may receive.

You don't have to post about this immediately. Again, it's okay to take as much time as you need to feel ready. It's okay to wait until you're in a safe and stable position before making any announcements.

If you do post about it and get hate, remind yourself that you're doing the right thing by letting go of that community, and that you're not only making the right choice for your own life in allowing yourself the freedom to explore your gender identity but you're also doing the right thing overall since you're now standing up for the trans community (late is better than never!) and no longer encouraging transphobic narratives.

If you feel that your current blog is no longer a space where you can express yourself authentically, consider starting a new blog or platform where you can write freely about your experiences and beliefs. Or just get offline altogether-- your digital detox is what started this, so maybe it's healthy for you to continue it for a while!

If you tell someone "I support trans folks" and they send you hate, that person is not your friend anyway. This is an opportunity to meet nice people who you can be yourself with. I would really encourage you to connect with IRL activists who are actually regularly volunteering and doing something concrete for their community if you have the opportunity.

When I was in high school, I volunteered at my local library's teen advisory board, and when I was in college I volunteered at a local hospital and through my college. This weekend I'm starting training for volunteering in-person for my town's emergency preparedness group which also does things like help to unload trucks for the food pantry, and I also volunteer remotely for two organizations online.

I'm really pushing for you to get out and volunteer (online or IRL) because I know one draw of the radfem community is feeling like you're an activist and that you're supporting women's rights and protecting and defending women. And it is important to support women's rights and protect and defend women! But there are other ways to do that beyond running a hateful blog attacking trans women.

I have a friend who works at an organization for survivors of domestic violence, for example, and she works with volunteers who help staff events, answer the hotline, etc. You can look around and see what local initiatives there are in your community and if you can't find the thing you're looking for you can start a group yourself or look online and join a national or state-wide cause that you care about, like pushing the legislature to support access to abortions.

Giving up the radfem community doesn't mean giving up feminism, and this is a good opportunity for you to take a look at your own time, your values, and think about how you can take this chance to start working to be a more effective feminist. Not everyone has to be an activist, but if you want to be one, think about how you can start doing good in a way that will actually affect people in a positive way.

I've also often been involved in doing events like conferences and workshops and panels IRL from my time in high school to the present day to try and educate folks on the community, but I also know that sometimes you need to take a step back and prioritize yourself. If you think you're not ready to jump into making change that's also okay. Just join something. A soccer team, a book club, anything hobby-related, to have something else to do and talk about and think about and stay tethered to feeling part of something.

Remember, it's okay to grow and change. You're not betraying anyone by being true to yourself. It's a courageous step to admit when your views have changed, and it's an integral part of personal growth. Be kind to yourself during this process.

Whether or not you end up identify as trans, you still will be doing the right thing by separating yourself from that community. I know it may be difficult because they were a place where you felt supported and part of a movement, but I really believe that you're taking steps in the right direction by letting go of that ideology and just living your life!

Followers, if you have any experiences unlearning toxic beliefs please reply with your advice for anon!

[hypermoyashi]

[Image Description: A guest ao3 user with a redacted name over a comment reading, "Nobody is going to lose their shit over someone being a demisexual. Lmao nobody gives a shit about it. Some people really wanna be oppressed huh"

A reply from the fic writer below reads, "You know, I’d be less disappointed in you and this comment if I didn’t have a giant beginning author’s note explaining that this whole fic was based on my real-life experiences as a non-binary demi person. So I hate to break it to you, but I have had people freak out on me when I tried to come out as demi to them.

There’s a term my girlfriend used—the “oppression olympics.” It’s where some queer people make oppression and who faces the worst of it some sort of competition, and ace people have been perpetually excluded from and minimized from the community because we’re “not oppressed enough.” This is something I had to unlearn when I was going through my journey, because I always saw myself as a less legitimate member of it growing up because my friends suffered more. I had friends whose mothers would cry at the sight of them in a skirt. I had friends who were made to sleep on their porches. And me? Well, I looked straight. I looked cis. I didn’t date. I didn’t know who I was. So if someone who’s faced more hardship because of their identity tells me that my identity is harmful to them, was I going to believe them? As a young, questioning queer person, I did. This was ten years ago. The community from back then isn’t the same community it is today.

The thing of it is, is that your identity shouldn’t be defined by how oppressed you are. Being oppressed doesn’t somehow make you more or less legitimate. Being queer isn’t about that. We’re more than our oppression.

Sharing this wasn’t about going “oh I’m so oppressed, give me attention.” It was just about sharing my experiences online through my writing. There are ace people who have experienced far worse than me, and while my heart goes out to them, it doesn’t make my experience any less valid. We all go through different journeys, and we experience different things. Being able to share these journeys with one another is a part of what makes creating so rewarding.

So yes, Mx. Redacted Username, I am disappointed in you. I think it’s sad that, as a member of the LGBTQIA+ community judging on your username, you would come on here to actively discourage ace people from sharing their experiences. I wonder if you would do the same to a trans, non-binary, lesbian, or gay person talking about experiences related to those identities. I’m afraid you might be doing an acephobia here, Mx. Redacted Username, by actively discouraging ace people from sharing their experiences.

So I hope you take a moment to sit down and re-examine your internal bias and why you would bother to come online and tell ace people to shut up. But at the end of that day? We’re all members of the LGBTQIA+ community. I think we should make efforts to make it a more welcoming and inclusive community, and when people share their experiences? Well, I think we should listen and not dismiss people."]

So. My point in sharing this on Tumblr is that it's important to recognize that acephobic attitudes are still alive and well, even in fandom communities, and it's important to stop and examine your internal bias every now and then.

And most importantly? If you're about to leave a comment on a fic where a writer has shared their own personal experience, and you're going to tell them in any way, shape, or form that they should shut up? Maybe don't leave that comment and take a step back.

[toxicityatitsfinest]

As a teen, I was an anti. This was partially because I was working through new trauma at the time thanks to a proshipper that posted all her work for minors and encouraged them to engage with her work in a sexual manner and beg her to draw porn for them, which is super fucking bad.

Because of this mindset I believed that if you made something, it meant you supported it.

It was so bad, that I heard the song Love the Way You Lie by Eminem and Rihanna and was convinced they were both actively supporting and romanticizing domestic abuse, purely because the song was from the abuser’s perspective and no one said “this is terrible and gross” in the song. That’s how bad that mindset is.

To an anti, you’ll always be romanizing something just for making it at all. It doesn’t matter if the story is from the perspective of the victim or the abuser. If the story isn’t explicitly stating “this is bad” every other sentence, the anti will accuse you of being a pedophile, or being an incestuous freak who wants to fuck your siblings.

They then spread this, and it leaves anti spaces and enters the general public as “this person is a proven pedo/proven incest weirdo”

All because of a comic or a drawing or a fanfic. You can get labeled, forever, as a monster. For pixels on a screen.

I’m against antis because I was one. Because I was both a part of this mindset, and harmed by it. I’ve seen first hand how that way of thinking kills all nuanced thought, and how hypocritical it can be. I loved yandere content, I loved kidnapping and manipulation and murder in media and fanfics, but I never shared that with anyone. And then I turned around and labeled other people as terrible just because they were brave enough to be honest about liking the same stuff.

I was unhappy and miserable, walking on eggshells because I was so scared everyone would be cruel to me for my interests, for the things I made fake characters I made up in my head do.

Honestly I pity antis. The minors don’t understand, they can’t fully process the harm they’re doing or why it’s bad. The adults were raised to think this hatred is normal, that it was for their own good that their interests were bullied out of them, that it’s okay to bully harass and dox others just because of what they draw or write. They even teach each other that some people are inherently bad, and their traumatizing incidents were deserved, because how dare they make something so degenerate?

It’s pathetic.

It’s sad.

It’s cruel.

I promised myself I’d never go back to that sad, pathetic, cruel person. I’ll never be truly public about my interests. About what I write or draw or daydream about. I’m terrified it’ll come back to bite me. I’m too scared to be truly myself online. And that’s also sad. But I’ll never pretend to be okay with antis. To be okay with abuse of real people for the sake of fake people.

I wanna be the same kind of rock for someone else. Some other 20 something or older who is unlearning cruelty, who needs reassurance that they aren’t dangerous or evil. That they aren’t a monster.

No one deserves to feel like a monster. Not when they haven’t done anything wrong. Not when some of them are the victims of real monsters, their abusers.

I have a loving community who is kind to me, I have amazing friends who make sure I’m not hating myself for stuff outside of my control. Antis made me miserable, scared, and angry. Proshippers make me happy, loving, and understanding.

I’ll let you guess which group was better for me.

[a-queer-seminarian]

Oh, God. I just realized that the main obstacle to me getting ordained isn’t any of the many things I’ve been listing since graduating seminary in 2019.

It’s not that it’s too daunting to jump through all the hoops as a genderqueer, autistic person — though sure, that’s true enough. All the steps to ordination are designed to root out people like me — but I’ve already made it past most of them! And I’m lucky to have a CPM that is willing and even eager to ordain me!

It’s not my hesitation to formally enmesh myself into organized Christianity in this particular way — though again, that is part of it. There is part of me that winces at the thought of bearing a title that has done so much harm; but a larger part of me wants it, wants to reclaim it from that harm and use it for good. Likewise, I do enjoy my role on the periphery, and being able to hop around spiritual homes, and getting ordained could complicate that s bit, but I could make it work.

No. The main reason I’ve been dragging my heels after coming this far, and while having so many people in my corner: I don’t think I’m worthy.

I can’t imagine myself holding up the bread and wine and proclaiming it the body and blood of Christ and feeling like anything but a fraud. “Get away from the altar, who do you think you are!”

I can’t picture myself baptizing someone or declaring a couple married without feeling skeptical that it “counted.”

I can only imagine myself feeling like I’m playing pretend, dressing up as a priest when really I’m just���god, a silly little girl who has no right to wear a stole and claim to speak for God.

Ouch. The internalized misgendering is a punch in the gut — but that’s what’s in my brain.

The internalized ableism is also painfully clear in a way I can’t believe I’ve been repressing all this time: I’m almost 29 years old, but I feel like a little kid. I infantilize myself, all the time, because of how my autistic body moves and autistic mind thinks and the limitations of how much work I can make my autistic self do before I break down.

Regarding the feeling of not having a “right to speak for God”: The funny thing is my denomination doesn’t claim pastors “speak for God” except insofar as every human can! But my Catholic roots run deep, and not just into the nourishing stuff but the toxic stuff too. I’m acknowledging that more honestly lately since the whole Pentecost incident — that there are parts of my psyche that still haven’t unlearned the Catholic way of putting clergy on a pedestal. And of course I don’t measure up through that lens!

I don’t know how to unpack all this right now. I feel overwhelmed and startled that this has been stagnating here in my brain, weighing down my spirit, without me even realizing. Just naming it is a good start, but where do I go from here?

Whew. Holy crap. Even as I say that as if I want to untangle all this enough to finally get ordained, part of my brain rebels — “no, you’re right about being unworthy! You’re too childish, too unstable, too flawed! Don’t try to convince yourself otherwise!”

What a mess. When I was so sure I believed at a core level that pastors are not in some way “more holy” than anyone else; and also that there can and should and must be more than cishet abled men in clerical roles. How has all this crap been festering in my psyche this whole time??

I can’t help but laugh a little! How fascinating!

Lately I’ve been reflecting on and praying to Mary in her role as Untier of Knots. Well, Mother, here’s a whole tangled mess for you to help me pull apart! I certainly need the help.

[lexcat-11]

it’s a late night rambling about life stuff night. tumblrs basically an echo chamber for me so I don’t mind lol.

content warning for discussion of fatphobia & what could be considered disordered eating. stay safe if this does reach anyone at all <3

it’s crazy to me how I, fortunately, was able to grow up with very little internalized homophobia and to have had such positive representation and acceptance primarily on the internet but also irl. I consider myself a very rebellious person who won’t let anyone invalidate me when it comes to stuff like that. I love being a lesbian, I’m not ashamed to be asexual. That’s me and I know I’m valid. I love who I am in that regard.

But god damn on the opposite side of things internalized fatphobia has not nearly been as easy for me. I guess I gained exposure to it so young and so directly it makes sense but it’s everywhereee. Weight loss ads on the tv, not finding clothing sizes in stores or their patterns being carelessly made so they don’t fit, seats in theaters not fitting my legs, the lack of representation, the hatred and immediate association with “ugliness” or “failure” from so many close minded and unkind people, direct bullying even like a month ago.

like when I was in *preschool* I remember daydreaming about the stuff a stereotypical little girl does— princesses, magic, all that, and at five years old, in my own imagination, I’d stop and tell myself “I don’t look like me. I look like another girl who’s prettier because she’s not fat.” FIVE YEARS OLD

I just have so much grief for that little girl and just everyone who might have ever had to go through it. Bodies are treated like trends and so oversexualized and some people would rather wish for someone to harm themself than be unable to sexualize a thin body. And at five years old I didn’t believe I could be pretty unless I lost weight.

Caring so much about it is against my values. I don’t care what society says about my sexuality or interests! But I do care about this. And it sucksssss because why should it matter? What if my healthiest self is the heaviest? What if I don’t work out anymore because it became a form of self-punishment? Why should anyone get to comment on my health??? Why is my body any of your business??? It’s so disgusting not to even mention all of the overlaps with ableism, the impacts it has on the trans community, and fatphobia’s roots stemming from racism. Why is it regarded as so normal? Why are we making five year olds in preschool sitting in a circle on the mat on the floor daydream about being thinner so they could be pretty enough to be part of a story? I’m an adult and I still envy thin people so much. I want to have this confidence boost and wear things they are but I’ve been taught that my body looks wrong in them.

I’m genuinely trying to unlearn all of this. Again idk if anyone’s gonna read this but I feel like being open because I know it would help me to know I’m not alone. There are plus sized and fat-bodied individuals who look like me and I think they are so so beautiful and I don’t ever criticize them the way I do myself and I don’t understand why I’m so unkind to myself.

I’m gonna try to stop having such a negative relationship with food and scrutinizing myself. I’m not going to focus on exercising and burning calories but instead moving my body so that I feel good. I share the image of sculptures of Greek goddesses and the fact I am nourished and have energy is something to celebrate. I have a body that naturally gains and retains weight. I don’t want to spend my life fighting it and hating myself trying to chase love that I deserve to be shown without conditions. I am a human being. I am alive and my body is the least interesting thing about me.

[bingejesus]

how do you reconcile your gender and sexuality with your christianity? i've been struggling immensely with this because i don't know how to deal with myself. i have been out for years and it feels so hard to give up either part of myself, and i don't think i can exist as both. please don't answer this if you feel uncomfortable, but how do you do it?

So sorry I’m just now getting to this, friend. I hope you’re well.

So, it took a while to get where I am. I had always been attracted to both boys and girls, and only discovered my gender recently (and am still discovering) but I’ve struggled with God for pretty much the whole time I’ve been on this earth. Not just with my sexuality and such but with everything. For the first 18-20 years of my life I grew up convinced God actually hated me and couldn’t wait for me to slip up so bad that he could send me to hell.

Then after some time in college, I finally admitted to myself that I wasn’t straight, and I wasn’t cis. And that only pushed me farther because of course according to my background that was a grievous sin. And for a while I hated God because I couldn’t reconcile this idea of non-straight, non-cis, non-Christian people being completely evil with reality. I started really reading and studying and searching and ultimately found that what I’d been taught wasn’t the whole story. I found stuff like the sin of Sodom and Gomorrah was not “being gay”, it was exploitation and mistreatment of the poor. I found credible sources explaining that the cultural difference between then and now was extremely wide and what we would call homosexuality wasn’t about love and orientation, it was about once again power and exploitation. And when I finally came back to God, expecting anger and judgement, I instead received joy and love and peace. I thought for sure he would tell me I had to be straight and cis because that’s all there was—but actually he was strangely silent. But he answered through knowing and meeting real people, recognizing harmful patterns in society, and through the realization that God was so concerned with reconciling and loving the least of these that he didn’t care if I liked both boys and girls and if I wanted to use they/them pronouns because it made me feel better in my own skin. (“Didn’t care” meaning it was never condemned, not that he was indifferent.) He made gay people gay and trans people trans, and he made the spectrums of sexuality and gender and we were discovering that now and how grand and vivid and weird and creative his creation is. God isn’t in a box, and he does unexpected things.

Basically when asked how he felt about my sexuality and gender, his response was—

“I love you. And I want you to love others.”

It’s still hard sometimes. There are many things I’m unlearning. But the condemnation I feel never comes from him.

So, I say all that to hopefully encourage you. Our paths may be different and maybe God speaks to you in a different way than he has to me, but there’s one thing he will always be consistent on and that is his unconditional love for you. You’re gay and he loves you.

I don’t believe this means he may not call you to singleness—He calls both straight and gay people to that sometimes. Not because it’s wrong to be in a relationship but because there are other plans he has. (This may not be your struggle, but I thought it might be a good example)

The only part of yourself that he asks you to give up is the part that chooses fear instead of love.

You’re so beloved, my friend. And only you can know what God is saying to your heart, but I know for a fact it will always be with love. So, while you’re figuring out how to be both authentically, cast all those cares on him because he cares for you.

I hope you found encouragement in this. May God bless you and keep you, and make his face shine upon you, my friend. ❤️

[saintflint]

hey… just wanted to let you know that this post of yours which says “that he too was a refugee, hunted by the law, reviled by the so-called “chosen.” that he was a martyr. & maybe these are just the ramblings of a broken heart fighting to make sense of it all but i think in the end, i’d much prefer a god that bleeds & mourns beside me, blessed empathy incarnate, to that distant being others use to flaunt above their actions.” is downright antisemitic. read any introduction to our faith by jews and you’ll be immediately faced with that fact that even jewish zionist rabbis of the 20th century don’t believe we’re “the so-called chosen” but A chosen, as in each religion is a different path and judaism is one such path. there are a lot of modern jewish zionists who have bastardized that, i understand. the state of israel has had such a rampant propaganda campaign to make sure their actions and faux historical nationalism are synonymous with jewish people even though many of us like myself loathe the state and know it’s built on deceitful premises. but i’m telling you this because antisemitism keeps leading directly to the physical harm or at least social exclusion of jews, and i need you to unlearn what you’ve been taught. jews aren’t the jesus-killers, either, a long-held n@zi myth that has innumerable pieces of legitimate research disproving it. your messiah was killed brutally by romans in a plan of your god’s. some jewish people we complacent, i won’t deny, but that was an incredibly scary dog whistle to see from you. never forget where you come from as a christian, the religion of rampant colonization and brutalization and white supremacy globally, and never forget that *there are more christian zionists in the united states alone than there are jews in the entire world.* as a christian your people use your god in horrific ways. they do not see him as human and bleeding beside you, they see him as a shield. a piece. and as a christian, you too believe in that distant god. please work on dismantling your antisemitism at least a little. it is not part of your faith whatsoever. it shouldn’t be, at least, but for millennia your people have decided to integrate it so intensely it’s inseparable from many philosophers and perspectives. you came from us and our kinship should be something, kinship religiously and politically as i, an anti-zionist jew, fight against the atrocities of israel and share your pain and sentiments.

not that i need to dissect my faith online for a stranger’s sake, but you have said things i do wish to respond to so i will.

my relationship with faith, god, jesus, as well as other faiths & religions is a long one. i make no claims to be fully proficient in my knowledge of islam & judaism since i did not grow up as either. i only know of them what i have studied & what i have been exposed to through muslim & jewish friends over the years.

that said, when i refer to the “so-called ‘chosen’” in my post, i’m not referring to judaism or jews as a whole. my intention was to simply call attention to the fact that there were people at the time of yeshua, jew and gentile, who placed themselves above reproach and above the law; just as there are at this moment. i was speaking directly of my disgust of anyone at this moment using god’s name to condone their hate & their dismissal of the atrocities we’ve seen in gaza & the west bank towards all palestinians.

frankly, you do not know my heart, my intentions, so i’m not offended or hurt by the statements you’ve made. in fact, everything you’ve stated above i agree with in full. & i myself having been raised christian (i no longer identify as such) know first hand that the stories of the gospel have been twisted to carry an antisemitic narrative. & i do not side with that narrative, nor any islamophobic narratives. i never have, & i never will.

but to go back to what you said about me & my interpretation of god, i have to just tell you, beloved, that that is all it is. an interpretation. & i’m sorry, but just as you thought i was speaking in an antisemitic way, you have chosen to align me with western christians & zionists without even thinking to ask me what it is i truly believe. i think if you knew my journey with god, my years studying the saints, turning my back on the church as an institution & instrument of worldwide terror, finding comfort in the texts of the torah & the quran, you’d be surprised. but i know it’s all too easy nowadays to assume what someone believes or does not believe without knowing their story.

i am not demanding the world to repent, to believe in god how i do, to see him as i see him. people of all faiths are searching for answers right now, both of us among them. & if you have already found your peace in yours, i bless you.

i will continue as i always have. calling on western christianity to confront its racism, its antisemitism, & its own hand in atrocities, colonialism/imperialism, apartheid, & genocide for centuries across the globe. & i will continue to find comfort in god as i choose to while doing so. i wish you nothing but success & peace as you do the same.

[slothecosystem]

so often i fall between the crevice of wanting to learn to accept my body and love myself no matter how i look and wanting to be skinny and fit and look like the girls i see everywhere and despise with envy. why do they get to look like that without any effort and i look like this with my only effort targeted towards stuffing my face?

i try to rationalize and say it could be worse. i’m not the biggest person in the world.

first of all, what a hateful consolation technique - comforting myself by saying well i’d hate my body even more if i looked like her. i need to unlearn my deeply rooted internalized fat phobia.

second of all, what if i was bigger? i need to learn being fat is not the worst thing someone could possibly be. and of course i don’t really believe it is, of course i don’t. but when i look at myself in the mirror don’t i believe myself unworthy of desire? and if i believe that about myself what do i expect those bigger than me to think? about me, and my struggles, and how i view them and theirs?

my relationship with food has maybe never been worse. i am picky by nature and i avoid foods that are considered healthy bc i don’t like the taste or the texture. but i am addicted to the foods that are bad for you. when i taste something i like i feel out of control, like i literally cannot stop myself. i eat myself sick but always feel like it was worth it because i enjoyed the taste. and then when i see myself in the mirror i feel worthless.

so often i fall between the crevice of wanting to enjoy my life in regards to food - i don’t want to restrict myself from eating the foods i love and torture myself by forcing the ones i hate into my diet - and understanding that my relationship with food is unhealthy despite the fact that it is enjoyable. and how enjoyable can eating be when the result of eating leaves me feeling like shit?

this is what i am searching for:

how to learn to love my body for what it is without enabling my unhealthy eating habits.

how to learn to allow myself to enjoy foods i love without overeating so much so that it causes me physical and emotional harm.

how to learn that fat is not bad, not even when applied to myself.

i hope i will find out.

[small-strong-bookish-butch]

TW antisemitism, racism, conspiracy theories, unsure how to navigate this at work

My manager said some blatantly antisemitic stuff today, and one of my coworkers (the driver) agrees with her.

I feel like I need to talk to both of them about it, separately, and say at the very least: that A. it’s antisemetic, B. that Jewish people are people too, and C. I don’t want to hear that stuff.

Here’s the thing:

1. I don’t know a lot about Judaism or antisemetic conspiracy theories—- I’ve looked into dogwhistles a little bit today, and I’ve seen enough Jewish people posting about antisemitism that I know a little bit about it…. but not on the level to say “hey, here’s why this is wrong” (which is where I get stuck on a lot of my activism/social justice stuff, generally)

2. The manager is strongly Christian and genuinely believes in a lot of conspiracy theories, and is one of those “we need to all live off the grid because Big Government is poisoning us” kind of people, even though most people think her conspiracy theories are bullshit (or at least, that they’re too far).

And the driver is…. Well, a white guy who “loves twitter” and tries to talk politics at work, and often will say weird to untrue to bigoted stuff to try to get me to talk

(one time recently he said something about “All the Mexican [workers at our work]” and I said “Most of them aren’t Mexican, they’re Columbian” and he said “See? You’re talking to me!”)

3. I would feel worse about myself if I don’t say anything….. but I also don’t know what to say, or even if me saying anything about it will make a difference or make them realize they’re saying harmful stuff

4. As far as I know, everyone respects me for being a hard worker and trying to be helpful enough, but I don’t talk much about myself at all. I think most of my coworkers are weird and I respect that they’re working with me, but I don’t trust them and I wouldn’t want to be friends with any of them. (Other than like, one production worker who I love, but she’s not involved in this.) My point is, I don’t talk politics at work. I don’t say shit about myself. My goal is to work and not make things more tense than they have to be, generally. Most of my coworkers know vaguely that I’m gay and in a relationship, and have somewhat recently learned I’m getting married in October.

5. Is this something I should talk to my general manager about, and say it makes me uncomfortable to hear both of them talking like this? She told me that she thinks both of them “are nuts” after the two of them had this conversation in front of us, which at least means that she doesn’t believe that stuff….

6. I’m not Jewish or planning on converting to Judaism, but from what I know about it, I respect the culture/religion/etc. and am at least trying to unlearn my cultural Christianity stuff and be more of an ally, when possible

[cookinguptales]

so i love laszlo, i would say he’s constantly fighting with guillermo for the spot of my favorite character on the show, and i just wanted to say thank you for bringing up the jack the ripper thing, it irritates me so much for so many reasons. as you’ve said, it was irresponsible on a meta level to include that joke and imo disrespectful as well. it’s doubly insensible irt the text itself bc laszlo does not have the character traits required to be capable of that (he’s bawdy sure but he clearly finds sex to be a beautiful thing!! why would he use it to harm and terrorize vulnerable women!) AND it doesn’t make sense chronologically. laszlo and nadja immigrated to new york in the 1860s i believe, the ripper murders happened in the 1890s, long after laszlo had promised he would never return to england. how would he have been there! i’m sure laszlo, nadja, and nandor came and went from the house as they pleased but i’m certain an absence like that would have been noticed. it’s just. EUUGGH. i’ll be the first to say laszlo is flawed and he’s clearly still unlearning a lot of stuff from his massively fucked childhood but like? no? his whole thing is he left england bc the ppl he was hanging around were being bigoted and xenophobic/classist to his wife? why would he be committing crimes that were a direct example of a mentality rooted in english classism and misogyny that made the murderer consider them to be less than human. he has some form of moral code, as skewed as it is. i HATE this joke with every fiber of my being and i hate that the public consciousness around these murders is not that they were uniquely horrific and should not be appropriated to be used in this manner.

sorry for taking a while to answer this, anon, yesterday was pretty rough for me, from a chronic/mental health standpoint, so I decided not to inflict myself on those around me. lmao

but yeah, I fully agree with all of this. I feel like the ripper jokes feel really tonally off from the rest of the show and don't match the characterization or timeline that ended up emerging as the show found its footing. some of that is the way that jack the ripper has been culturally separated from his actual crimes (which... I do not think is a good thing) and some of that, idk, might have been growing pains with the show...? I really don't know.

I have a lot of complicated feelings about true crime and the way we societally talk about serial killers anyway, but yeah, I would agree that jack the ripper has a uniquely weird spot in our cultural lexicon as like... almost a charming, mysterious serial killer? when the actual crimes were absolutely abominable misogynistic attacks against one of the most vulnerable segments of society. I think there's a dehumanization of the victims there that... idk, really bothers me. he's not a fictional boogeyman, and it bothers me when people treat him like he is because that relegates his victims to a sort of equally fictional facelessness. I hate that.

all that is to say... yeah, I cannot reconcile the actual historical ripper with laszlo for basically the reasons you've outlined here, and that's why I have to kind of headcanon those jokes away. I don't tend to be easily squeamish about dark subjects, but those jokes legit bother me.

like idk man there's fictional murder and there's real murder and one's a lot funnier than the other!

[redoqs]

Redoqs Rambles

TW: Anxiety

Overthinking has always been a rough thing for me though I never realized it until recently. It’s always had a way of sneaking up on me a lot of the time and by the time I realized that I’m doing it I’m already in deep. I start feeling almost overwhelmingly anxious—the worst of it including me being physically sick and unable to eat or sleep or do anything—and my mood is affected for a while after that until something comes along to pull me out of my funk and even then it only lasts for so long until the cycle starts again.

I’m not typing all this to focus on how bad the overthinking has gotten. I know how it felt when it was at its absolute worst. I know that if I had allowed it to continue it would cause me to harm those close to me and I refuse to let that happen. So after taking a bit to think about it, I took myself to therapy and it’s honestly one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Over the course of the past few months the overthinking has gotten a lot better. Of course some days are more difficult than others, I know I still have things to learn and unlearn and sometimes the thoughts have a victory—for example, I had a thought today that got to me but I’m okay now. Proud of myself actually because months ago, a thought like that would’ve had me out of it for the whole day—but I have methods now that I can do that’ll help me ground myself whenever I get caught up in my thoughts. I have things I can do to help ease my mind and help me realize that about 99% of the things I’m thinking are not based on fact but rather assumptions that I’ve made up based on how I believed I felt.

A lot of good has come from it and I’m proud of myself but it’s not easy. The hardest part about all of this, for me, is admitting to myself that it’s all me. The overthinking and anxiety that comes from the thoughts, why I’m feeling the way that I do, how I allow myself to feel all stems from things within myself. No one wants to believe that they’re the problem but the best kind of people recognize their faults and try to fix them. Admitting that I’m the reason why I feel the way I do is daunting but also very freeing in a sense. I guess the first step to recovery is acknowledging that there are issues in the first place. I believe that it really works. Once I recognize what I’m feeling and where it’s coming from I can control it, give it time to run its course, determine if it’s based on fact or opinion and then let it go. It’s easier said than done but it does get easier everyday. This process allows me to control the flow of my thoughts before they get out of hand and focus on the positives rather than negatives that most likely won’t even happen. I want to get better and live my best life and every day I can feel myself getting closer and closer to that.

Like I said, this process hasn’t been easy but I’m getting through it and I’m proud of where I am now versus the beginning of the year. I have a few friends that I can definitely say have been there for me when some days were a little too much and I appreciate them more than they can ever know. I want to say though that there is someone else that I’m entirely grateful for, someone who’s never made me feel like I’m too much or that my personal feelings aren’t important. She’s been great to me, amazing actually. I couldn’t ask for a better person in my life and I wish I could think of something, anything I could do to express to her at least a little bit how much I appreciate all she’s done. This process would’ve been a lot harder without her support so thank you so much for being by my side and helping me, reassuring me and loving me. It means the universe to me and I’ll always cherish you. I genuinely hope you know that.

[villainkinconfessions]

I don’t like being called a villain, or evil. I’m not! Really I’m not! Sure I did some things that might be seen as bad but I never actually wanted to hurt anyone! Our Cecil still doesn’t forgive me, especially not for what I said about Janice (WHICH I NO LONGER BELIEVE BY THE WAY!)

I’m trying to unlearn some of the things Strex taught me, not all of it but the harmful things. I’ve learnt that it’s ok to be upset, we all are sad sometimes and the Smiling God would ratger us be actually smiling than fake it.

To any Carlos who is seeing this, I wanted to thank you for those years in the Desert Otherworld. You were the first person to encourage me to try and distance myself from what Strex made me into. (Although for the record I never felt anything romantic towards my Carlos)

- Kevin! (Wtnv fictive)

.

[ara-mas]

the inherited fear

Okay, so something I've been thinking about a lot (too much. faaaar too much) lately has been how we each have some different kind of fear that moulds almost all of the behaviours we carry through adult life. I'm not talking like a fear of spiders, or a fear of heights, i'm talking the big *big* kinds of fears. Especially when it comes to when we're at our most vulnerable. Yeah, these fears can come out in work, in school, in all sorts of ways, but at their most prevalent, in relationships. The level of vulnerability that comes with opening up to another human seems to exacerbate all the underlying stuff going on below.

We all seem to inherit this fear from some childhood experience or another, or perhaps even a series of experiences, or perhaps even our whole damn childhood. For me, the fear that came out of it is not being good enough. How's that played out in my life? In work, I'm constantly pushing myself, I don't ever feel like I'm contributing as much I could, or as I should. Working beyond my limits, to exhaustion. Raises and/or promotions stir no joy in my heart, they just feel like another notch on a never-ending wheel toward some unattainable level of perfection. In school, mixed in with the rollercoaster that was adolescence, it came out as an eating disorder. In relationships - whew! Where to begin? Putting up with things that no one deserves? Tick. Not being confident setting boundaries? Tick. Putting other peoples' wants and needs ahead of mine? Tick, tick. It's all very cliche I know, but cliches are cliches for a reason. They happen a lot, to a lot of people.

There's this tiny little child version of me, hiding somewhere between my left lung and my heart (or wherever the soul is) that just desperately wants to be told that she's good enough, that she's loved, and she's valued for who simply being herself. Yet, there's some masochistic part of myself that leans into situations that make me feel not good enough. Where others would have no qualms saying 'I don't like how you made me feel' or 'I don't deserve that', I am paralysed. I think it's because not only does it give me an answer to the question of "am I good enough?", but it gives me the answer that that category of question wants. It also gives me the only answer I knew as a kid, that I wasn't good enough by my parents' measure. It's so cyclical. If I didn't fear not being good enough, then by merit I would already think I was good enough, and then I wouldn't even need an answer to the damn question in the first place. I go toward what I know, the answer that's familiar, because that's what I was conditioned to believe.

The thing is though, with us humans, is that we all come into this world deserving to be loved, simply for existing. With the only caveat I can think of being not knowingly causing harm to another human, there's nothing we need to achieve, no particular way we need to look, no box we need to fit into, to be deserving of love. Do you think a puppy wakes up in the morning and thinks to itself "hmm, my bark isn't as deep as it was yesterday, my coat isn't as shiny as it could be, I'm going to wallow in self-loathing and I'm going to truly believe I don't deserve snuggles". Nope. Kids are kinda like puppies if you think about it - all they want is to be loved for simply existing. So, what to do about the fact that we weren't treated as unconditionally lovable puppies as children? Spend years unlearning the unhelpful thoughts and behaviours, of course.

For me, that's seeking love from myself rather than anyone else. It's about recognising the difference between pushing myself to grow vs not thinking I'm enough to begin with. It's being brave - to be myself, to speak my truth, to embrace the utter weirdo I am, and knowing that someone else's response to that vulnerability has nothing to do with me. I’m excited to see what comes when things are done and words are said and decisions are made, not based out of fear, but out of love for myself.

If a puppy can be loved just for being itself, why the fuck do we think we can't. If we’re not being vulnerable, what’s even the point.

[returntosaturn271995]

September 27th: Grit, what mental toughness means to me.

“I’ve failed over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed”.

So yesterday I went on a date that lasted from 7:00 pm to 8:00 am. His name is Steven and we had a lot of fun. Similar to Peter, it was lots of drinking and making out and talking. I love the way he decorates his place (lots of fat, healthy plants and rustic art) and the Italian food we had was amazing (Adriano Enoteca, we asked the waitress to surprise us). He’s easy to talk to and incredibly well travelled. 

Only thing is that is some pretty intense Monday behavior. Alcohol and boys are total joys, but huge distractions. I spent today regressing a little.

A little, but not all the way. I had also spent my Monday working really hard and driving to pick up my lost ID from CRSSD. I tended to responsibilities and then partied too hard with a guy. 

So I took a night off from being “perfect”, but I was good in the day. I got constructive feedback at work, which while hard to initially read, ultimately will make me better at my job. Also I have a job. A good one with real brands. I make money and show up consistently. And now, the next day, I’m putting myself back in to my healthy habits. I ignored that part of my brain that told me I was incapable of doing things. I ignored the part of me that wants to hide when facing things on is actually easier. 

I can do this. I don't have to be fucking perfect to live the life that I used to pray for. My purpose is to live a life of balance, of kindness, of branching out and dressing well and doing quality work. 

Some days I won't get everything done. But as long as I do something to move my life forward, to honor myself and my needs, then it’s not a day wasted. I enjoyed today, watching mysteries (what is it about the Brits?) and eating healthy. The initiation to good habits was as simple as not wanting to break my meditation streak. And then I remembered that I actually like meditation. 

So that’s how you grow mental toughness. One task at time, believing that you can change and evolve, taking failures and notes to growth and not to heart. 

The person I’m most proud of as I lay here in bed, not bullying myself, but helping myself inch forward: is who I was as my lowest. Debating suicide, hiding under much rougher covers. That girl, so sensitive and hurt, knew enough to get help and keep trying with a map she hadn’t created yet and with no light to walk towards. She pulled herself up with no promises that things would get easier. 

That takes fucking grit. And I can practice on it more. I can get better at it. I put my hand on my heart and feel it beating: it’s never stopped since day one. Neither have I. I have gotten myself here.

“Sometimes I wake up and have to remind myself: there is nothing wrong with me. I have patterns to unlearn, new behaviors to embody and wounds to heal. But there is nothing wrong with the core of me and who I am. I am unlearning generations of harm and remembering love. It takes time.”

[tungstenb]

First and foremost, I need to disclose that what I'm about to say here represents my own journey as someone who was trans-identified from around 2014-2018, chose to medically transition during that time, and has since destransitioned. I realize now that the logic I used to justify my transition was flawed, and what ultimately helped me escape 'trans misery' was finding a solid, objective framework to analyze what was actually going on---a change of mindset to ensure my thought processes were logically consistent and healthy.

My intention is not to invalidate anyone's own means of self-conceptualization, but to provide food for thought for those who may be struggling with what gender means to them, and how gender dysphoria is negatively impacting their lives. I'm speaking as someone who's had years to reflect on trends I've observed in trans spaces both on- and offline, as an active participant and observer. And I will say this: what I've seen, and continue to see every time I log onto social media, is extremely concerning. For my own sanity, this meant removing myself from those spaces and double-checking my thinking.

I eventually learned to unlearn the harmful rhetoric central to postmodern queer theory and transition (pun intended) to a more reality-based feminist mindset. I now no longer identify as trans, nor do I experience significant dysphoria. I am a woman, a gender-nonconforming lesbian; most would say I'm 'butch.' These are the words that most accurately describe my material reality. I don't want to play disingenuous language games. I don't 'identify as.' I am.

As such, I do feel compelled to share how I got there. I don't think it's okay for me to remain silent about it when I am no longer suffering but the people around me are suffering. I am saying there is an out.

Here's what I've come to understand: 'gender identity' is a spiritual concept that is (1) without concrete definition, (2) learned from exposure to postmodern queer theory, i.e., not innate, and (3) based upon a person's relationship to binary sex stereotypes (and, ergo, is inherently sexist).

In other words, the entire framework of gender-as-identity is based in sexism, and most (noncatastrophic, non-life threatening) things deemed 'transphobia' are due to low self-esteem and sexist thinking. Personal issues. Not societal ones.

Anyway, the insultingly obvious: it is profoundly unhealthy to base your sense of self on how others perceive you. If you strongly believe that you possess an innate gender that represents your truth, then no one should be able to invalidate you. What a stranger thinks shouldn't matter. But I've seen the phenomenon enough to know how an accidental misgendering can send someone into a suicidal tizzy; and if identifying as trans is causing you distress in low-stress situations like ordering your morning latte, I think it's very, very important to analyze why that's happening.

Trans spaces are shiny at first: they come with built-in community, people who understand and unquestioningly validate you. But they also easily become crab buckets that try to blame personal issues and internal discomfort on outsiders, and it can be difficult, when you're mentally ill and immersed in the mindset that society hates you, to draw the line between what is or isn't an actual systemic issue. Demonizing those who mean no harm, pushing well-meaning friends and family away, twisting others' words to justify your self-hatred, comforting yourself with delusions that only exacerbate feelings of isolation and victimization---all too common.

Here's the thing: you can't claim your central dogma is that gendered terms have personal meaning and then turn around and get offended when other people don't agree with your definitions. It's an inherent contradiction. Terms like 'woman' and 'man' don't have baggage unless you believe they do. And believing that those words say anything about a person's identity, behavior, style, personality, place in society, or right to bodily autonomy is really fucking sexist.

The entire gender-identity framework---and assertion that people have innate senses of gender that lie within or outside the binary---relies not only on the acknowledgment, but on the exaltation of that binary. But the binary exists in the first place because society said "This set of behaviors is appropriate for men, and this set is appropriate for women." These rules---which I will note are arbitrary and influenced by culture, i.e., not innate---serve to devalue women. Women are not naturally subservient to men: this is culturally reinforced, and includes everything from deeming women's bodies 'child-bearing vessels' to demanding that women waste time, $$$, and effort to conform to ridiculous and ever-changing aesthetic standards.

Yeah, that fucking sucks. Any reasonable person can recognize how traditional conservative gender roles exist to subjugate women and deny them full humanity.

My answer, in 2014, for why I identified as NB, boiled down to hating the gender roles assigned to women. Every other transmasc person I spoke with expressed the same. 'Woman' has baggage. But saying you're not a woman because you don't want to be an object for male consumption? That you don't want anyone to assume you're meek? That you find performing femininity wasteful and inane? That's just reinforcing sexism: you are declaring that you believe women are a stereotype. You are admitting that you've internalized the sexist thinking that you claim to be against. Your nonbinary identity only serves to reinforce the gender binary.

You cannot conceptualize yourself as 'not a woman' because of {x,y,z} without implying that {x,y,z} are traits that do not belong to women---{x,y,z} being your chosen subset of 'nonwoman' stereotypes such as wearing pants with pockets, hating your tits, or growing up obsessed with planes/trains/automobiles; whatever.

My rowdy-tomboy childhood, my appearance, my career, my interests, my strong opinions and ability to articulate them---these were all used as 'evidence' by my gender therapist that I was 'not a woman.' Important addendum: "Oh, I don't believe that women have to act or behave a certain way. I'm just applying this to myself."

Newsflash, past!me: you can't have it both ways. Your decisions aren't made in a vacuum. You can't claim that feeling like a whole person with complex thoughts and emotions is your ticket out of womanhood, then turn around and say you don't think women are lesser---that this just applies to you. It's logically flawed. Disgustingly sexist. And for me---as for many, many other transmasculine people---this cognitive dissonance causes real-life distress. Internal distress because of the mental gymnastics required to maintain your views. External distress because the women around you are hurt and concerned by the things you are saying---and they have every right to ask questions about why you believe the things you do. [*screams*: internalized misogyny]

For me, the most important thing for eliminating dysphoria was accepting that my sex is immutable and any gender identity I could assign myself had no universality. No matter the label---genderqueer, transmasculine, nonbinary---these were all functionally equivalent and had no ramifications for how I moved through the world. And if I was offended that someone called me a woman, or a lesbian---despite those words accurately describing my reality, standard-English-wise---then that was on me, not 'society's transphobia.' On me---for being sexist and assigning baggage to words that need not have baggage. On me---for buying into a sexist, homophobic society's insinuation that my homosexuality and gender-nonconformity put me in a category of 'other,' and blithely accepting that othering.

I don't think the answer to liberation from gender roles is to create more 'other'-themed boxes or reinforce the importance of those boxes---shouldn't we say "The boxes are sexist!" and then throw them away? Do you see how encouraging everyone and their dog to jump into boxes as they see fit is only giving credence to the boxes' existence? That self-identifying outside of the binary and internalizing, as part of your core identity, how certain stereotypes do or do not apply to you only serves to uphold the status quo?

When you're thinking with a gender-centric framework, where words simultaneously have meaning but are somehow also entirely up to the individual to define, it's extremely difficult to communicate with others. If someone asks you a question and their language does not align with yours, it's then easy to think that that person---that uneducated bigot---is invalidating you, attacking your identity, or denying you personhood by 'not seeing you for who you really are.' I can promise you that that's almost certainly not the case; it's just a discrepancy in how you're using language, and they're probably picking up on some of your broken circular logic and want to help you through it. The words you think are hurtful, hateful---female, woman, daughter---may be entirely neutral for the person you are speaking with. But no, you are not a woman; you have your own reasons for it. That word disgusts you; it's not you. But doesn't the core of gender theory require you to acknowledge that 'woman' doesn't have a set meaning? Why, then, does it upset you to be called that, especially when the person saying it has their own understanding of what it means? Aren't you invalidating that person's relationship with gender? Aren't you just objecting to the word itself?

What I can understand, having been neck-deep in it, is that it's easy to get sucked into queer theory. It offers what seem like open, honest, progressive spaces at first: you are free to be whoever you want to be. A core tenant of the philosophy is that people are unquestionably who they say they are, and a person's relationship with gender and gendered terms is unique. But. This ultimately causes issues, as I explained above. There are too many contradictions that arise when you simultaneously give words weight but then say they have infinitely many meanings. I just don't understand how that postmodern framework is helpful or sustainable.

And, from what I've seen, it's damaging vulnerable people's sense of self. It is harming women and stifling intelligent discussion around women's rights. It's sexist as hell.

Please be careful.