#I quite literally feel sick to my stomach because im in love

[honeyloopsenthusiast]

thinking abt how not a lot of ppl talk abt (or maybe they do and it’s me!! im the issue here i haven’t met them so if ur seeing this hmu!!) how tiring and downright cruel being in love can be for a person. maybe cruel is a strong word but it can be so very disturbing having to think abt a person all the time and I am by no means trying to say that being in love with someone is a- full time commitment and a job and it requires you to put in the hours and shi- but js the feeling part of it.

I canNOT be the only one thinking it’s not all that perfect and that when we go high we go high but when we go low we go so fucking low that im abt two millimetres from touching the ground after falling from a 80feet roller coaster drop.

And by lows i don’t mean the ups and downs however subjective this may be from person to person- i mean LOW like there’s nothing the other persons doing to make you feel this way but it’s js the act of being left in ur own company and being so sickeningly preoccupied w thoughts of them that it’s physically making you sick.

Not disgustingly sick just- sick. Like this is affecting me both mentally and physically. I’m not irked out by them im not disgusted but im just on edge??

I feel nauseous and distracted and disturbed bcs I cant stop thinking abt them and it’s leaving me restless and incapacitated to carry on w my day?? and suddenly I don’t feel like eating anymore im subconsciously skipping meals and consistently depending on what they have to say which is robbing me off my will to js be by myself??

Again they’ve done NOTHING wrong to cause this. I have never not felt deeply abt a situation. love doesn’t sound overwhelming to me love sounds dangerous. it’s taking “butterflies in my stomach” to another level and idk how I feel abt that

Being sexually fluid and shifting from being cupioromantic to being in a relationship with someone can be so frightening bcs now im supposed to do everything I’ve never done before

I have genuinely (in the least self pity way possible) been so devoid of romantic intimacy that I’ve never found myself in the position to experience it. And it’s not the inexperience that’s driving me mad it’s the fact that I’ve subconsciously rejected affection and the idea of being the object of attraction so much that it’s physically uncomfortable to be unknowingly doing things that I’d never do before.

I love them and I still want to be with them. They’re not the problem here but the aftermath of being in love is just not spoken about enough and MAYBE IM GOJNG NOWHERE W THIS

[jeonfiles]

sweetest apparition 01│ jjk

pairings: nerd!jungkook x popular!female reader

genre: angst with a bit of fluff and a bittersweet ending (and the tamest smut you’ve ever read)

synopsis: he admired you from a distance. everyone did. you're serene, words dance like ballerinas of your tongue, stars aligning when you laugh, the wind was made to sway with your hair, you were just too good for the world, and you would never know his name.

warnings: !! graphic deceptions of domestic abuse!! , jungkook is a little too in love, oc is kinda obsessed too, mentions of alcohol and drug abuse

wc: 12k oops

a/n: if you're triggered by domestic abuse pls don't read, i will write other stories without a single mention of it soon, im sorry i love you :( this story is just everything i wanted to write for so long and i hope you don't think its cliche lol

++ started writing this in 2021 and it took me so long to finish

masterlist │ my cc

14 days

A loud smack echoed in the dark living room, the smell of alcohol making him sick to his stomach, cheek red from the impact. He carefully held his palm up against his cheek as he prayed to god for someone to save him from this awful household, and his father's clutch.

Jungkook wasn't a crier, he had grown accustomed to the lack of parental love, yet it still stung a little when he heard his father curse at him, questioning why he even had kids. Dragging his feet down the wood-covered halls, Jungkook scrunched his nose in disgust as he saw mold growing on the walls, and he had no idea what to do with it.

His feet took him all the way to his room, dimly lit up with a little nightlight he had bought at the town's annual festival, and next to it was a birthday card from a few years back, which you had given him. He wasn't a stalker, it was just the only birthday card he had gotten from anyone. You were both 11 back then, and Jungkook had invited the whole grade to a party at his grandma's house.

No one showed up the first 20 minutes, and Jungkook cried in his grandma's arms until the doorbell rang, and a sniffling Jungkook opened the door to see you, smiling brightly, stretching out your birthday card with two ten thousand won bills paper-clipped inside.

Jungkook appreciated how you didn't pity him that day, how you didn't even ask about the other guests' absence. You just devoured the chocolate cake together, both laughing at each other and your glaze-stained faces. You never spoke to Jungkook afterward, yet you still left the biggest mark in his heart, and he would never, ever in his life forget you, and how you lit up a broken little boy's heart forever.

Tears prickling in his eyes, blinking them away, gone as fast as they came. He went to sleep early that night, knowing he would see you tomorrow, possibly the only thing keeping him from completely giving up. You were his everything, the light of his life, shimmer in his eyes, despite you not remembering his name. He didn't care, he would just continue fantasizing till it swallows him whole.

13 days

The front strands of your ponytail fell down in your face as you laughed joyously, bubbles brewing in his stomach as he tightened his grip on the book he was reading, The Lover by Marguerite Duras, a disturbing book, which he wasn't focusing on at all.

You were laying down in the grass, frilly pink skirt and a white top, summer breeze warm and comforting, as you giggled with two of your many friends, Jihan and Sooyoung.

The two last weeks of school before the summer break was your favorite, your report cards had been handed out and the school didn't require you to wear uniforms either, so you could wear all the pretty clothes you had bought, preparing for the hot weather.

A guy approached you, which Jungkook recognized as Kim Taehyung, your best friend, with who you were very comfortable, a bit too much for Jungkook's liking.

His whole stomach twisted into a harsh knot when he threw his arms playfully around her neck, quite literally, because he could feel his breakfast come up his throat as he gripped onto the bench, hurling onto the grass. In some ways, he knew it was coming. He had felt the weird feeling in his stomach since he woke up.

"Oh god... Look at Jungkook!" Jihan chuckled, a vicious tone in her laugh. A frown formed on your face, feeling bad for him, so you loosened yourself from Taehyung as you reached for your purse to approach him.

"Jihan." You gave her a cold stare, and she looked away awkwardly, "I'll be back soon." Already rushing over to the boy who was about to wipe his mouth with his hand.

"You shouldn't-!" You exclaim, and he freezes. He's still hanging, face facing the grass, huddled over the bench, saliva dripping from his mouth, probably an attempt to get rid of the gruesome taste.

Jungkook slowly turned his head to face you, and his whole body froze when he met your sympathetic gaze. Digging through your purse you found makeup wipes, holding one out for him to grab. He didn't take it, so you leaned forward to wipe his mouth yourself. "Yuck, this must've been horrible. Are you okay?" You smiled as the tissue met the corner of his mouth, with no trace of disgust on your face.

He didn't try to pull back either, he was so mesmerized by your face up close, he genuinely thought his fantasies had finally swallowed him whole.

Jungkook had an unreadable expression on his face, he was pale like milk, and you felt worried and contemplated calling for a teacher, but you realized they could probably not do any more than you could, considering you were outside of campus, in the park on the other side of town for another foolish class outing.

Placing the used wipe on the bench next to him, he winced and moved a little away from it, and you just felt relieved that he wasn't completely dead. You grabbed a water bottle from your purse, holding it for him so he could drink. It was a hot summer day, the scorching heat had probably gotten to him, lips dry like sandpaper.

He took a few sips, hesitating for a while until he kept drinking. "You must've been so lightheaded, you have to take care of yourself." He only nodded in response. You threw the wipes away and buttered up your hands in hand sanitizer and hand cream before getting comfortable on the bench next to Jungkook.

"Sorry if you don't want me next to you, but I don't think you should be alone like this. You have anyone who can pick you up?" He pondered on your question, only for a short while, until he realized, he had absolutely no one.

"No." He spoke dryly, voice weak and vulnerable. It made you want to protect him, but all you did was sit back in silence, placing your hand on Jungkook's knee, and he grimaced in pain, letting out a small whine.

"Shit, I´m so sorry!" You pulled your hand away, smiling apologetically. Your friends looked at you, questioning looks on their faces as to why you were sitting next to someone like Jungkook.

You brushed them off, and Jungkook crossed his arms protectively, and you felt a pang of guilt. He had only uttered a single word to you, as simple as "No."

When he lifted his arms up, you took it as an opportunity to let your eyes wander, noticing how frail the boy was, how his skin was light as day, and his bicep covered in a purple bruise on his arm, you couldn't help but think he had been sick for a while.

"Let's move out of the sun." You smiled, standing up and taking his hand, and he slowly got up, and you offered a second hand to help him get stable.

His legs were wobbly, the emotions were too much for him. He was holding your hand, you were caring for him, just like you did many years back. You hadn't changed, you were still an angel and not a product of his imagination.

The tears that had been welling up in his eyes last night finally came to the surface, endlessly rolling down his cheeks. You could nearly feel the sting as you heard his quiet sobbing and saw his cheeks turn splotchy red.

He looked embarrassed, mortified actually. You quickly placed his arm over your shoulder, as you started walking away from the open areas of the park. The bus station was close by, so you walked away from the park and your teachers, and none of you seemed to care.

A bus you took quite often luckily passed by, and you waved for it to stop, and of course, the bus driver stopped for you, a sight to behold, and you halted onto the bus with a sniffling Jungkook.

You both looked at each other, eyes widening when you realized that you had skipped school. Chuckling together, your heart warmed up, finally, he was smiling.

You wiped his tear with his thumb as you swore you would protect him from all danger. You both went separate ways that evening after you paid for some cheap mediocre sandwiches at the gas station, not talking much.

12 days left

The next time you see Jungkook, it's no different from the first, he's in yet another pitiful situation, nervously picking up all the books he had just dropped on the ground when crashing into Moonbin, another sleaze who has tried it with you.

"Watch your step dweeb," Moonbin growled, placing a foot on Jungkook's shoulder, pushing him down so his head hits the gravel.

Poor Jungkook groaned in agony, throbbing pain as he rushed to pick up the rest of his books, muttering sorry over and over again.

"Moonbin, what the fuck is your problem?" You stepped in, his saving angel. God had sent you to aid him, he was sure of it. "What has he ever done to you?" You spat, standing between the two boys.

Moonbin was a good 6'3, his height a little intimidating, yet you didn't budge. "Y/N-ah, seriously, stay out of it." His expression softened at the sight of you, and it only made you even angrier, stepping with full force on his foot, making him yell in agony, the little heel crushing his toes.

"Jungkook is my friend, and you don't mess with my friends." You smiled proudly, shooing Moonbin and his bruised ego away before you sat down on the ground with Jungkook, who looked at you like you possessed the world's greatest treasures.

You knew his name. You, Y/N Y/L/N, knew his name. He could squeal in happiness any second, luckily his throbbing headache kept him grounded, adoration glazing his pretty eyes. He had a little bruise on his forehead from the gravel, luckily no blood, and you didn't dare touch it, afraid Jungkook would cry out in pain again like he did two days ago.

You followed him to the bathroom, offering to hold his stuff for him, even his phone, case decorated in Undertale and Zelda stickers, and you laughed to yourself as you traced the stickers with your fingers. Out of a sudden, the buzzes from his phone wouldn't stop, and you flipped his phone around to see series of messages on his lock screen.

Dad 04:37pm

Where are you

You idior come home or i'l, throw your shit ouvt

Ungsteful brat no wonder your mom left tou

Heart dropping to the floor, you dismissed the messages and pretended you had never even seen them, scared Jungkook would close up again as he had finally started talking to you.

When he exited the bathroom, you pretended you hadn't seen anything, yet the lump in your stomach just grew bigger every time you looked at him. You started noticing, how his eyes were puffy, bags under his eyes, one cheek redder than the other, how skinny Jungkook was, and it made you shiver.

"A-are you.. alright?" He asked softly, and you only nodded, pressing your books up against your chest, trying to suppress whatever emotions you so desperately wanted to show.

He followed you home that evening, and you nearly cried out for him not to leave, not to go home to his dad who's texts had scared the living daylights out of you, so you reached for his hand.

"Stay for a while?" You pleaded, smiling, and he could see a little hurt in your eyes. He wanted to, so badly. Then he realized that he had a father at home, so he shook his head.

"I'm sorry, my dad wants me home." And you could hear the fear in his voice as he got ready to leave. His lips reduced into a thin line as you pouted.

"Give me your number at least." You smiled, despite being afraid, and he obliged, typing his number in on your phone, being extremely cautious because of the price of your new iPhone 12, while he was stuck with the iPhone 5.

He turned on his heel, and you couldn't stop him. He slipped out of your hands, your grip. You gulped, watching him walk till he was out of sight. You tossed and turned the whole night, which you never did, you always fell asleep in minutes. You were worried, a few dry cries probably left your mouth.

11 days left

He was present in class the next morning, a feeling of relief as you saw him with his nose down in another book, yet he looked even more defeated than yesterday. He ignored your smiles, he just looked at you with a dead expression and pushed his glasses up his nose, throwing his hoodie over his head, looking back down into his books.

Class ended, and you gracefully walked over to Jungkook's desk, because it seemed like he had no intention of getting up. "I made extra lunch this morning so we could share. You never eat during break so-"

"Y/N, leave." He pointed at the door, all the other students leaving, signaling for you to leave with them, you refused, and pulled out a chair to sit in front of him.

"You're all skin and bones, Jungkook. Let's enjoy this meal together, I can be silent if you want." You shrugged, grabbing two bento boxes from your backpack.

"Why do you care? Don't you have friends you should be spending time with?" Jungkook spat, not even willing to look you in the eyes.

You just kept smiling, opening the boxes carefully and handing him a pair of chopsticks, "You're my friend too, Kook-ah," and he accepted, a small grin appearing on his face.

He loves you, he absolutely loves you. He doesn't even mind that you feel nothing for him, you are so, so perfect. Jungkook could stare at you all day, letting your beauty sink in time and time again. He wants to hold you because you're so close to him, but he knows that you're two worlds apart, no matter the distance between you two.

You could hold him so tight he'd turn blue and you'd still be so god damn far away, you were so out of his league, as cliche as it sounds, it's completely true.

Eating together in silence as you promised. Jungkook was completely engulfed in your sweet, silent beauty, how you resembled a wave that hits the shore with such ease, splashing everywhere, landing as simple drops of water, which couldn't hurt anyone.

You weren't loud and outrageous, you enjoy moments of silence, you love everything enclosed, safe and sound company, exactly like Jungkook.

"You wanna come to my house today?" You break the comfortable silence.

"I can't." He replies, sounding awfully sad.

You could ask why, but you chose not to. You didn't want to pick scabs off wounds you couldn't see, so you waited till he told you yourself. Hoping he would.

"Okay. You have my number though, can we text tonight?" You smile, knowing it's weird to ask someone to text you, but Jungkook was weird too, so it didn't matter.

He nodded and continued reading a book you knew nothing about. You appreciate a good book, classics like Catcher in the Rye, and How to kill a mocking bird, but it seemed like Jungkook had taken the next step into the world of literature.

He made you happy, his company felt good. Nothing could hurt you now, yet everything could hurt Jungkook, and you swore you felt nauseous just thinking about it. You knew what was happening in his home, but you needed him to tell you, trust you, before you could help him. Give him what he deserves, he just needs to hang in there for a little while longer.

"Can't we skip school tomorrow, we can do something then? It won't affect our report cards!" You shake him excitedly, yet carefully, like he's fragile

"They'll call home, my parents are already mad at me for a bad grade I got last week." Jungkook sighs, closing the book he was reading. He lets out a weak, quiet yawn.

You think he's pretty like this, eyes puffy and lips pouted, hair messy, glasses resting on his nose. Jungkook has the most beautiful eyes you've ever seen, and you swore to god you could drown in them.

10 days left

See tags for warnings.

He dragged his feet down the pavement of a busy street, trapping onto his heavy backpack. It was a long walk since he had missed the bus home from school. He was tired today, even worse than yesterday. The summer sun was frying him alive, forehead covered in drops of sweat, hair sticking to his forehead.

Wearing a sweater and jeans was probably not the most comfortable choice, but sure as hell the most secure one. He hated his legs, and his arms covered in purple and blue bruises, and how he wasn't fit at all, in fact, he had never entered a gym before.

Sometimes, he'd take the long way home. He tried to convince himself that it was for health reasons, that he needed the extra steps because all he did was stay in his room. Jungkook knew it was untrue. The only reason he took the long way home is because of his father and his unpredictable mood swings. Sometimes, he'd be in a good mood. He might even offer Jungkook the remote and the best spot in the sofa after a long school day.

Today, he was just so exhausted he even took a shortcut. He just needed a nap and something to eat. Opening the front door, he carefully stepped inside. His dad was on the back porch, smoking a cigarette and listening to the radio. Jungkook couldn't tell what kind of mood he was in. When he went to get something to eat, the fridge was nearly empty. Just some cheese and a few jars of jam. Maybe he could find some crackers to eat it with.

Looking closer at the cheese, it was expired. There were no crackers in the cupboard either. He had to approach his dad and see what mood he was in. Slowly sliding the glass door open, he called out with his softest voice:

"Dad?" His voice quivered.

His father turned around abruptly, seeing his son in the doorway. "What do you want now? I can't drive you to school if that's what you're gonna ask me. If you missed the bus you can walk." Jungkook heard his voice getting more irritable towards the end of the sentence.

He had to be so so careful.

"Uh, no... I just got home from school." He stopped to think for a while and his dad raised his eyebrows. "There's no food in the fridge. I was just gonna remind you that you need to go to the grocery store."

Jungkook´s father stood up, pushing his chair back.

"Who are you to tell me what I need to do?" He came closer and Jungkook braced himself. "You're just like your useless mother. Can't do anything on your own." He hadn't raised his voice yet.

"Sorry... M´sorry..." Jungkook muttered underneath his breath. At some point in his life he stopped defending his mom. It was somewhat true. She was useless, at least to him. She had ran away from her husband, Jungkook´s father, and started a new family with a nice husband. She deserved all of that at the time and promised to come back for Jungkook once everything was settled a few weeks later.

She never came.

"I can't believe I messed my life up so bad. Look at your mother running away from her own son, to think that I married her! Even worse, look at the son that I raised. Such a weak and sad boy. I can't even call you a man." He was yelling and Jungkook knew he was only seconds away from hurting him again.

Jungkook couldn´t even bother replying before his head hit the porch floor. He was still conscious and his dad pulled him up by the collar for another round.

When he was done, Jungkook limped his way into his bedroom and his dad sunk back into his chair and turned up the music even louder. He sat down in his bed and slowly took his hood off, wincing from the pain. His mind drifted elsewhere and landed on the thought of you. How your kindness and care could have calmed him down in seconds.

He picked up his phone and looked at the text from you from last night.

Y/N 9:17 pm - Yesterday

Hi Jungkook, how are you? ❤️ I can see that you're reading these :( Read 9:19

Jungkook 5:45 pm

Sorry. Hi. To be honest I could be better. How about you?

Y/N 5:49 pm

Happy you replied and sad to hear that you're not doing well. I really want you to come to my house tomorrow 🙏 I even told my parents that I made a new friend who's not related to my current friend circle and they couldn't be happier!! Pretty pretty pleaseee

Jungkook hesitated for a while. Considering his dad couldn't even grasp that it was 4 pm when he came home and not 7 in the morning makes him believe that he won't notice his absence for a few hours tomorrow. And even if he did, it would be worth it.

Jungkook 5:57 pm

Fineee

Y/N 5:58 pm

Yayy I can't wait!!

For the first time in a while, Jungkook wasn't dreading waking up in the morning.

9 days left

Jungkook 1:22 pm

Should we meet a slight distance away from school or should I just go directly to your house?

Y/N 1:25 pm

What are u saying? Meet me by the main entrance and we'll walk together!!

And so he did. You walked out the main entrance with your entire friend group and you smiled brightly as your eyes met with his. He was caught off guard by your lack of shame. "See you guys tomorrow!" You smiled brightly, and all your friends stared back with a confused look as you skipped towards Jungkook.

"What are you doing?" Jihan exclaimed. You turned around to her and looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "I´m gonna hang out with my friend!" All of your friends looked at you funny and you pushed Jungkook along.

"Sorry they're being such idiots to you. I try to make them stop but I think they have some deep rooted insecurities." You chuckled after a while of silence.

"It´s fine." Jungkook forced a smile and looked you in the eyes.

"No, it's really not fine and you need to stop saying that." You came to a halt and he turned to you. He didn't say anything and you couldn't read his facial expressions.

He knew he was dead silent and you probably thought it was weird. Only right now was he taking in how beautiful this side of town was. Large mansion style houses with three cars parked outside each house, modern communal parks and clean streets. You fit in so perfectly here.

If he closed his eyes real tight and concentrated very hard he could imagine himself as a family man in one of these stunning houses. Maybe he could own a Benz that he could take his kids to school in. They would never take the bus and they'd always come home to open arms and a homemade meal on the table.

Warm and lighthearted conversations at the dining table with his wife and children, everything his mom and dad couldn't give him. A pat on the back if they fail a test and not a slap in the face. That's what he wanted to give his children.

Jungkook was lost in thought and so were you. You were stood there thinking about how stunningly pretty Jungkook was. When you were close to him it was almost heartbreaking how it hasn't been appreciated more. How his face belonged on a canvas. That's what you thought of him. You aren't the type to stay silent when you really mean something. For some reason the words just don't come out the right way when you're with him.

"Are your parents home?" He questioned as you kept walking.

"My mom probably. My dad will be home for dinner."

The rest of the evening goes smoothly. Your mom loves Jungkook and constantly gushes about how well mannered he is. Your dad appreciates that he only speaks when he is spoken to and that he has realistic ambitions. You spend most of your time in the upstairs living room playing a stupid board game and watching a dumb sitcom.

It's quiet most of the time but the both of you can feel that you enjoy each others company. Just simply co-existing and not being alone feels nice for the both of you.

As Jungkook is putting his shoes on to leave, your mom walks in. "Jungkook-ah, why don't you come over for dinner tomorrow as well? You're such a pleasure to have as a guest." She proposes, and he nods.

"If Y/N wants to spend time with me two days in a row." He chuckles slightly.

"You know I do."

He smiles, you exchanged goodbyes and he shuts the door behind him. Both you and your mom stay silent for a while before she breaks the silence.

"I hope this boy isn't a pity project to you, honey. You can obviously see that he's struggling and you can't just leave him behind when you're bored of him. He needs you more than you need him." She places her cold hand on your shoulder as she leaves you standing in the hallway.

You're not so sure that he really needs you more than you need him, because you so desperately need a friend.

8 days left

"Jungkookie, can I tell you a secret?" You're situated on your queen bed with floral sheets, both sitting with your legs crossed like 5th grade girls. Jungkook looked up and raised an eyebrow curiously at you as he nodded slowly.

"I was hanging with the wrong crowd a while ago. Not that I'm hanging out with the right crowd now, but you get the expression." You chewed your bottom lip nervously before you continue. "You know when I left school for a month to go to the Caribbeans?"

He lifted his eyebrows and widened his eyes in a "Yes... And?" type of way.

"I wasn´t in the Caribbeans. I was in rehab. An old friend of mine overdosed and I had to get drug tested. I tested positive on coke and my parents shipped me straight off to rehab." His expression softened as he placed a hand on your knee just like you had done to him a few days earlier.

"I was so mad at the time, I wanted to get emancipated from my parents. Today, I'm grateful. Grateful that they helped me so I didn't have to suffer the same fate as my friend." You sigh so deeply you could feel tears stinging in your eyes, but you managed to keep them down.

"Why´d you do it? Take the drugs I mean?" Jungkook asked ever so carefully, and you knew he only meant well.

"I guess I wanted to feel something." You shrug. "I think that´s why everyone does drugs in one way or another. To either feel or not feel." You smile sheepishly.

"What's your secret?" Feeling a little vulnerable and naked, you divert the attention to him. Maybe you're hoping to hear something about his dad. If he hurts Jungkook. That's what you suspect by the clothes Jungkook wears in this hot weather. How he always tugs at his sleeves.

"I want to study nursing." You stare at him and he knows it not as interesting as what you told him. "I haven't told anyone, ever. Maybe it's not what you wanted to hear but to me it's a secret." He stared down in his lap, not meeting your gaze. Chipping at the loose skin around a sore on his hand.

"That's really cool Kook-ah. I'm happy I'm the first to know." He looks back up at you. "Where have you applied?"

"I applied to PNU but tuition wise I think INJE or Dong-A is more realistic."

All of the universities he has applied to are all in Busan and you swore you could hear your own heart shatter. "Busan, really?"

"My aunt lives there and offered to let me stay with her for the first years of my studies." He chimed happily. "I guess I don't have the best relationship with my dad."

You decided not to push it, not to ask any questions quite yet.

"How about you Y/N-ah?" You liked the way your name slipped of his tongue so gently.

"I´ve already accepted my spot at Yonsei. I'm gonna study dentistry, so I guess we'll be in the healthcare field together." You smile, but you can't help that you're looking quite disappointed. In some ways you were hoping for Jungkook to be your forever friend, not a friend you occasionally see whenever you're in each others cities.

"When are you leaving for Busan?" You question.

"After summer, I guess."

7 days left

The empty desk in the classroom makes your insides feel like they're gonna twist and turn and send your breakfast back up your throat. His empty desk.

The two of you had grown abnormally close over the past few days, texting all night and spending the daytime together in some kind of way. Maybe it's because neither of you know how healthy friendships are supposed to be paced, you feel like you've been friends forever.

The entire day went by and all you heard was the tuned out noise of your loud friends yelling across the lunch table with nothing interesting to say at all. Only shit talk and gossip. There's always a new guy or girl to talk shit about. Usually, you wouldn't participate in the chitchat, so they didn't notice your sullen mood today.

No matter how much you tried to paint yourself as a saint or a saviour, you only saw an accomplice when you looked in the mirror. You had the power to make them stop picking on so many people, in some way, they saw you as their leader. Maybe they'd abandon you at some point, but wouldn't it be worth it?

Despite the fact that you never encouraged it, you never stopped them either. So you weren't better than them in any way although you liked to believe so. You liked the validating feeling of them obeying the things you told them to do, and you guessed that´s why you're too scared to confront them. You're scared that they'll rebel against you and leave you behind.

Y/N 11:21 am

Kook-ah, where are u?

Jungkook 11:24 am

At home The walk back from your house gave me a cold I think

Y/N 11:25 am

Oh no :( Get well soon and text me tn!! <3

You knew he was lying and you could feel your heart hurting from lunch time till you were in bed staring at the ceiling. "Honey! Dinner is ready!" Your mom yelled from downstairs, and you barely heard it through your door.

"Not hungry!" You yelled back, continuing the intense stare-off with your ceiling. Your mind explored deep and dark places when you were alone. Letting your mind slip back to your past or the worst experiences throughout your life was very typical of you to do.

The text message you sent to Jungkook is left unread. Until it isn't anymore.

Jungkook 8:21 pm

I really need you right now

You started blankly at the screen, heart pounding in your chest whilst typing your message.

Y/N 8:21 pm

Ofc, where r u???

Jungkook shared his location with you for 1 hour

You raced down the stairs, and your parents looked at you confusedly as you rushed past them and put on your running shoes in the hallway. You so badly wished you had your license. Darting out the door and slamming the door behind you, you weren't thinking straight. The air was cold for a summer night, but it was still bright out.

Jungkook lived on the other side of Goyang, a city right outside Seoul that you both resided in. Walking would probably take you 45 minutes at least. You didn't care. The wind ran through your hair as your breath was pacing. You made awfully loud noises as it was starting to get tiring. You refused to stop running, you couldn't stop running. Your body wouldn't let you.

The location Jungkook sent you was a park, and you guessed it was close to his house. Sometimes you picked up your phone for directions but you never stopped running, you only slowed down to a jog. A faint iron taste was present in your mouth and you were heaving for air, but he needed you.

Someone finally needs you.

You ran across busy roads, cars honking and people yelling out their car windows after you. At some point you even fell and twisted your ankle, but it only slowed you down slightly. At some point you start thinking of other means of transportation you could've turned to to get to him. This felt more rewarding.

"He needs me!" You yelled out like a crazy woman to motivate yourself as you picked up your pace.

"Your destination is 1 minute away." Your phone said from your back pocket. You looked around, and a bench with a silhouette sitting on it caught your eye. You ran over, head banging and feet sore.

You stopped abruptly in front of him, trying to catch your breath. You met his gaze. His teary-eyed gaze. All you could do was throw your arms around him and hold him ever so tightly. He sniffled into your cardigan and held you close.

He was gonna be okay. You didn't ask any questions that night.

6 days left

You were nibbling on a mozzarella stick your mom had packed in your lunchbox. Everyone else was eating the cafeteria food, but you couldn't stand the nauseating creamy pasta they served every other week. All your friends were talking about something you couldn´t focus on. Suddenly a few girls rushed over and shouted your name.

"YN-ah!! They're fighting over you!" You recognised a few of the girls; Jisoo, Heejin and Soomin. They had math class with you, and god, they were loud. Loud but kind. They´d always include you in their conversations since none of your friends were in that class.

You shook your head trying to come back to your senses. "Who is fighting over me?" You blurted out.

"Moonbin made the first punch but he punched back!" Heejin shook your shoulders and made you come with her. "Can you believe it?" She spoke yet again, dragging you down the hallway, your friends were right behind you.

"Who is the other guy?!" You refused to keep walking before they told you.

"Jungkook, obviously! He punched back!" They almost laughed in disbelief.

Jungkook. He was defending himself against Moonbin. The thought sent shivers down your spine. Moonbin was a self proclaimed professional in bathroom fighting. He'd fight anyone for any reason he could think of, just for the fun of it. He didn't leave Jungkook alone when you told him, in fact, it probably provoked him even more that you stood up against him a few days back.

The girls pulled you around the corner and into the mens bathroom. Moonbin had Jungkook by his collar, his nose was bleeding and there was blood on his blue shirt. He didn't look scared though. He looked completely and utterly numb. Moonbin turned around to see you in the doorway, and his face was pretty bruised up too considering the punch had only been thrown minutes ago.

"Moonbin, please stop!" You nearly screamed, choking on a sob. It only infuriated him more and he threw a gut punch at Jungkook. He winced in pain, and you let out a squeal as you could feel it slightly in your own stomach. The pain.

Taehyung came up behind you and you turned to him. "Please, for the love of god, stop them. For me." The tears were running down your face already, and he´d do anything for you if you asked. Taehyung rushed over and separated the two, and a few others who were watching helped hold Moonbin back. You followed close behind, and watched Jungkook slide down against the wall.

"Make them leave, please." You pleaded with Taehyung, and he obliged. He told everyone to get out as you fell to the floor next to Jungkook. You placed your hand on the cut on his lip and wiped the blood off.

"I´m so sorry. So god damn sorry." You sobbed uncontrollably at this point, and he was the one to comfort you when he was the one who was hurt. "Stop apologising." He held you this time.

"I keep making things worse for you. I act like some kind of saviour when I do the exact opposite." His gaze softens.

"It's worth it to me." He says, running his hands through your hair.

"You're worth it to me." You barely hear him saying it, but it's loud enough for you to hear. A soft, pained whisper.

"I think you're the best thing that ever happened to me." You reply.

5 days left

Jungkook was seated on the ottoman, his face covered in band aids and strips. You were twirling around outside the dressing room in a white summery maxi dress. "What about this one?" You question, doing an extra twirl.

"It's nice." He shrugs, letting his eyes wander down your body starting from the top. How the dress hugged you in the completely right places. Your hips and waist looked amazing, and he so badly wanted to touch you. Without the dress if he could, but he'd be more than satisfied with it on.

Your expression saddened as your mouth formed a frown. "Okay, should I be completely honest?" He asked seriously.

"Should I be scared?" You laughed. "Go ahead."

"I think it's beautiful. It's perfect. You're perfect." He said sheepishly. He meant it although he hesitated. You were so perfect. Jungkook hadn't been to the Louvre ever before, but he was sure that a painting of you would attract more attention than the Mona Lisa ever could.

He was sure people would travel from every corner of the world to see your face, even in a painting. Everyone who were lucky enough in person should be thanking the universe for blessing them with the opportunity.

"Really?" You beamed, heart pounding. "Is it okay for graduation?" You look down at yourself hesitantly, the cleavage of the dress maybe dipping down a bit too low.

"More than okay."

The sales assistant came to check up on you and her eyes lit up when she saw you in the dress. "It's gorgeous. Absolutely stunning. I think you need this."

"Honestly, I do too after such positive feedback." You giggled lightly. "Can you take his measurements and pick out a suit for him as well please?" You point at Jungkook seated on the green velour ottoman.

"Me?" He was flustered and looked you dead in the eyes.

"Yes, you silly." You smiled softly.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" He desperately pleaded with you with his eyes and pulled you aside.

"Y/N I can't afford this. I don´t know if you think that I have more money than I do but I seriously have to scrape together money for a new hoodie from H&M."

"No, god. I´m not making you pay when I dragged you all the way over here. Consider it a graduation gift. If not, salary for being my personal shopping assistant." You nudged his shoulder playfully.

"Look, I´ll wear some black pants that sort of look like suit pants and the school uniform shirt. I can't let you do this." He almost pushed you against the wall as he grasped both your shoulders. Unbothered, you pushed his hands off you.

"Can´t let my date wear something simple as that to graduation. My grandparents are gonna frame the pictures of me and you're gonna be in them. I want you to feel confident that day. You deserve it." You pull him in for a hug.

You walked back to the sales assistant. "Will you take him to get his measurements?" She nodded, and now it was your turn to sit on the ottoman. He ended up trying on a few suits, and you landed on one that the both of you really liked. You could see him sweat when looking at the price tag but you reassured him with your soft smile.

"Get changed and we'll go pay." He agreed and disappeared behind the curtain. You fiddled with your phone for a while before going to browse the store. Understandingly, a suit that was so perfect for his figure would take a while to get out off, but you went to check on him.

Between the crack of the curtain and the wall you saw him. His upper body undressed as he touched a wound. His whole back covered in purple, red and dark bruises. You had watched enough medical shows to know that they weren't from yesterday. He had more scars and bruises visible than skin.

He saw you in the mirror and turned around. He looked scared to death. Like you were gonna hurt him as well. "Y/N, what the fuck?" You stood frozen. You were scared too. All your suspicions confirmed. Sometimes, late at night, you'd comfort yourself thinking that you were overreacting.

He threw on his sweater and pushed you to get past. You almost stumbled. Before you knew it, you saw him outside the store window, nearly running to get away. Get away from you and your invasive self. He had hung his suit up carefully, and defeatedly you took it with you to the counter where your dress was laying.

"Can you get the suit delivered? I did something stupid and he's not gonna accept it if I turn up on his doorstep." The cashier understandingly nodded. You took your phone out as you waited for the cashier to finish adding up your total and bagging it up.

Y/N 3:12 pm

I´m so sorry I keep saying sorry but I really do mean it. I'm not gonna bring it up, ever. If you wanna talk I'm here but I´ll keep my mouth shut till you tell me to open it up. Please don´t close down on me.

"Excuse me, miss?" The cashier waved his hand as you had zoned out completely. "Sorry. Your total will be one point four million won." the cashier pointed to the terminal. (About a 1000 USD) "Delivery fees included." You swiped your card and he handed you a beautiful bag with gold writing.

Parts of you wishes that the suit was in the bag and Jungkook was walking nervously next to you.

You had to give him space.

3 days left

All of Sunday had passed without any replies from Jungkook. Your dad dropped you off outside school that morning. You weren't sure if Jungkook would be at school today, but you were dressed up pretty just in case. A pretty frilled blouse only for special occasions.

Like the gods had answered your prayers, you saw him. You met his eyes and he walked over to you. "Y/N-ah, I forgive you. I don't have time for anything else, I´m sorry."

"Time? What do you mean?"

"My aunt called yesterday. She needs help at her restaurant in Busan and asked me if I wanted a summer job and to move in earlier." He was studying your face to see your reaction.

"Jungkook-ah, no..." You whined.

"You of all people should know why I want to leave. Especially after what you saw." He tried to reason with you.

You threw your arms around him in the busy school hallway. "I know." You whispered. "It's okay."

"I just wished we had more time." You smiled bittersweetly as he pulled away. He wanted nothing more. He wanted nothing more than to stay with you forever.

"I got the suit." He changed the subject.

"Are you mad?" You gave him your best puppy eyes.

"Why would I be mad about a great graduation gift?" He laughed wholeheartedly, and his laugh filled your heart with warmth and gave you butterflies. He was making you all jittery.

Why?

2 days left

"Pour me another shot Jungkook-ah!" You held your shot glass in front of him as he smiled at you, pouring soju into your glass. You swung your arms around, singing to the music playing at the restaurant.

"Slow down." He said as he called for the waitress to take the soju away. "That's all for tonight, alright?" He patted your head. You liked the confidence boost the alcohol had given him. How he so openly flirted with you, and it satisfied some deep rooted needs of yours.

He paid for the drinks which you didn't notice in your state. "Let's walk home to sober up. We have school tomorrow."

"I think it's sad that we won't go to school together. We were totally acting like college students today and it was so fun. Drinking on a school night feels crazyyy..." You slurred and he pulled you closer as you almost stumbled over your own feet.

"Yeah, it is sad."

The rest of the walk was silent. Stopping outside your house, you felt a few raindrops hit your cheeks and head. Jungkook cursed under his breath. He had a forty minute walk home. "Do you have an umbrella I could borrow by any chance?" He asked shyly, retorting back to his humble, sober self for a second.

"No. Don´t wanna." You crossed your arms. "My parents are away for their anniversary. Won't be home until graduation." Tugging at his denim jacket sleeve, signalising for him to come inside.

"I shouldn't. I should go home." He refused.

"Sure, you should go home, but do you want to go home?" He looked so gut-wrenchingly sexy underneath the street lights, hair ruffled and a tired look on his face. Shirt unbuttoned so you could see his golden tanned chest.

"No." He replied, and you pulled him inside by his sleeve. You took off your shoes and for a few seconds you just stood looking at each other. Something was in the air. Something you had never felt with Jungkook before. It wasn't comfortable anymore, it was electric.

You needed him so bad and you were about to throw yourself at him. He beat you to it, he grabbed you and pinned you up against the wall. Your lips crashed and you didn't have time to catch a breath. You let out a few desperate moans to catch your breath as you both stumbled down the hallway over to the staircase.

As you were making your way up the stairs, you fell on your butt down on one of the steps and he got on top of you. You chuckled between the desperate kisses as he lifted you up the stairs. He was stronger than you thought.

He went down the upstairs hallway with you in his arms and into your bedroom with an open door. He threw you on the bed and wasted no time in trying to take off your shirt. "Kook-ah, I need you so so bad." You whimpered in despair, rutting your hips forward.

"I´ll make it worth it." He smirked as he kissed you. While kissing you he started unbuttoning your pants and you helped him. You were all exposed to him and he was completely clothed. You looked each other in the eye and slowed down. He started with his jacket. He hesitated with the shirt.

"Can I?" You looked up at him. He nodded slowly. You gently took his t-shirt off, and he felt incredibly exposed with all his bruises on display. You only smiled as you placed kisses on his chest, trailing down his stomach.

He took his pants off on his own and you handed him a condom. He slowed down again and you raised an eyebrow. Suddenly, a thought popped into your head.

"Kook-ah... Are you like.. a virgin?" you ask innocently.

He nods slowly again. "Don't treat me any differently than you would with an experienced guy. Some guidance might be nice but-" He says, panicked. You interrupt him. "So you want this?" You take his hand and you embrace it with your own.

"I want this more than anything." He kissed you again.

"I´ll take care of you." You bit the wrapper open and he put the pieces together as to how you're supposed to put it on.

"Aren't you supposed to do some sort of foreplay before?" He questioned awkwardly.

"It´s usually for the girls´ sake. I don't need that. I need you inside of me." You moaned, leading his body closer to yours. He let his hands slide up the side of your waist before carefully going inside you.

"Okay, do what you want with me." You smirk slyly as you whisper. "I'm yours."

"I know. And I will." He thrusts harder into you and your moans come out in unison. Tears start running down your cheeks and he checks up on you by stopping.

"Please don't stop." You cry out, placing your hands on his back. "Please."

He obliges and doesn´t stop until both your bodies give out. You fall asleep like that, bodies close and sweaty.

1 day left

This wasn't what you two planned at all. You both were pacing around your bedroom, refusing to met each others eyes. The alcohol had clearly gotten to you two yesterday and you the air was different. It wasn't comfortable like usual, or electric last night. It was uncomfortable. You felt like you shouldn't have let him yesterday. You wanted him to lose his virginity with someone he was in love with, not a friend he's been close to for 2 weeks at most.

Jungkook didn´t regret losing his virginity to you, not all. You were careful and tender, but you didn't treat him any differently like he asked you not to do. He was ashamed because he thought you would regret it. That he took advantage of you in your drunken state, and that you wouldn't touch him like that sober.

You threw yourself down on the bed and let out an exasperated sigh. He looked to you and it felt like he was almost choking on his own heartbeats.

"Do you regret sleeping with me?" He asked gently with a sullen tone, sitting down on the bed next to you. You sat up startled when you had processed what he said through your throbbing headache.

"What? No no no..." You cupped his face in your hands and stroked his cheek with your thumb. "I don't regret anything about last night, Kook-ah." You looked distraught, like you really meant it, like you were shocked by what he had said.

"Good. Cause I don't either." He placed his hand on yours. Jungkook took the hand you had placed on his face and placed it on his knee. He drew circles on your palms and made little hearts.

"Whatever this is.. Whatever we're doing right now; I don't want it to end." You smiled teary-eyed. He was leaving you and you didn't know what to do.

Jungkook wasn´t great with this kind of stuff. The touching, the loving and the expressions of love. All he did was nod quietly, and you knew by the look in his eyes that he felt the same.

You didn't know how to identify the feelings you felt for Jungkook. Throughout you've had boyfriends and best friends but none of them made you feel what you were feeling right now. Here, with him.

You had slept with a few guys before, and you've also slept with a best friend before. Taehyung, less than a year back. That felt weird, but not weird in the way Jungkook made you feel.

Not weird in a bad way.

"Y/N... I have to go. My dad´s at a meeting with the department of labor for a few hours and the moving trucks are coming in the meantime." He grimaced, wanting you to understand why he was leaving you high and dry at 6 am like this.

"Aren't you coming to school today?"

"No, I need to do this now or else I don't know how I´ll get out without him finding out." He put on his denim jacket and kissed you on the cheek. "I´ll see you tomorrow."

"If you're moving your stuff out today, where are you staying tonight?" You get up from the bed and you place yourself in front of him.

"Honestly, I'm not sure."

"Stay here." You propose, smiling warmly.

God, he loved that smile. He loved you.

That morning, after he left you with your own thoughts again, you walk to school with a skip in your step. Taehyung greets you by the entrance and asks you why you're so smiley and weird today. You tell him that it's just one of those days.

He knows why you're smiling and he hates it. It's because of him. Taehyung can do nothing but observe as you make it so clear to him that you are not his and he is not yours.

You spend the rest of the school day thinking. You had lunch in the cafeteria with your friends and spent most of the time chatting with Taehyung about trivial stuff. University, summer and graduation. He was also staying in Seoul for school and was attending SNU law. You were impressed, not knowing that Taehyung had been able to get his grades up to study law.

"My parents wanted to send me to Harvard but contrary to popular opinion, I think it sounds overrated. I like the idea of being a student in Seoul." Taehyung explained, making you nod your head in agreement.

"I get that. There's just something about Seoul." He smiled as he stole a spoonful of your seaweed soup.

"Hey!" You ruffled his hair, knowing he had spent all morning doing it as revenge. He flung a spoonful of rice at your face and you laughed almost hysterically as you managed to inhale a grain of rice.

After a while you're laughing calmed down and your friends had stopped giving you two a weird look. "Do you have an apartment yet or are you commuting back and forth from your house?" He inquires, stirring his food around as fidgeting.

"I was thinking of moving out but I just can't find the right apartment. There's an open house next week that I want to go to." You explain, and he nods along.

"Is Jungkook coming with you?" He asks, now fiddling with his own thumbs.

"Uh.. no." He looks up at you. "He's moving to Busan tomorrow." You elaborate, and a look of pity flashes across his face.

"Oh."

"Yeah..." Taehyung smiled awkwardly. "So I'm gonna have to go all alone." You were insinuating that he should come with.

"I´ll go with you." He suggests. "If you want me to."

You nod.

It was starting to get dark out when you were seated in your windowsill with the window open. The window from your room had direct view down to the street and your frontyard. As promised, he was there, outside your door, waving up at you.

The day of

Jungkook was trying to curl your hair. After a few burns and a little cursing, he was starting to get the hang of it. You were sitting in front of the vanity with him standing behind you and while he was curling your hair, you were doing your makeup. The two of you were both in bathrobes, your outfits laying neatly on your bed.

"This stuff is hard. I'm sweating in fear of burning myself again." He snickers, and you laugh along.

"I´ll blow on your burns when you're done." You smiled at him in the mirror and you saw his reflection blushing slightly. "When is your train leaving tonight?"

"I'm taking the KTX train around 8 pm so I´ll be in Busan before midnight." He announces, and you feel realisation creeping up on you. Sure, the train ride isn't that long with the speed trains, but he's still far away and you're both gonna be busy. Your parents booked you a graduation trip to Greece with them and then you´re flying straight to Aiya Napa with a few friends, including Taehyung.

"Okay." Is all you manage to utter with a sigh at the end.

"You'll come with me to the train station, right?" He questions.

"Of course." You smile.

He finishes curling your hair and you add the finishing touches to your makeup. "All done." Jungkook grins proudly.

"It´s really pretty, thank you." You shake out the curls to see them properly and run your fingers carefully through them to loosen them up.

"I´m gonna go change." He said, gesturing towards your bathroom.

"Okay, let me do your hair when you're done please!" You request, giving him the puppy eyes that you give everyone when you want something your way.

"Maybe." Jungkook shuts the door behind him.

A few minutes later he came back out, all dressed up. Except the tie that he was holding in his hand. "I can't tie a tie." He admitted ashamedly, letting a slight chuckle escape his lips.

You turn around to see him and you're stunned. He looked great in the white lights in the store dressing rooms, but in this light, he looked gorgeous. The morning summer sun shining in through your window, hitting Jungkook like a spotlight.

Getting up from your chair and walking over to him, your heart was pounding a hundred beats a second. You couldn't shake the weird unidentifiable feeling that you felt when you were close to him. You swung the tie around his neck and tied it tight, but not too tight.

"I´ll send you a video tutorial if you want to know later, but we're gonna run late if we don't hurry up." You smile, patting his shoulder., signaling that you´re all done.

You point your finger to the chair in front of the vanity and he sits down. "Let's see. Hand me your gel." Running your fingers through his hair, he closes his eyes in pleasure.

"It's really nice when you touch my hair." He hums in delight.

You alternate using the comb and your hands and soon you finish up. "You like?" You ask with a satisfied grin on your face.

"I love." He almost blurts out a "you." at the end but he manages to hold it in.

"Now I need to put my dress on." You let your bathrobe fall to the floor, now standing there in your white lace underwear. Jungkook rapidly turns away from you and you laugh.

"After what we've done you really don't need to turn around." You smirk confidently, knowing you're gonna make him flustered. He turns back around, almost shamelessly to watch you.

You slip into the dress and you struggle with the zipper in the back. He notices your struggle and gets up to help you. "Let me." He offers and you would never say no.

He turns you around so he's facing your bare back. He can't help but let his hands caress your back for a while, up and down, back and forth. Seductively, he pulls the zipper up slowly and you can feel his fingers brush up your back as the dress tightens.

Getting ready to leave, Jungkook grabs his little backpack of necessities since all his things are on their way to Busan. After you've celebrated for a while you'll follow him to the train station to say your goodbyes.

Your parents drive you to the ceremony and you both hurried over to get your cap and gowns. The ceremony went nicely, and both you and Jungkook stood posing in your parents photos with your diplomas in hand.

"Kiss her on the cheek Jungkook-ssi!" Your mom laughed and you looked to Jungkook who was looking at your dad with a frightened look on his face.

He placed a soft kiss on your cheek as your dad jokingly shook his head. "What a pretty picture." She fawned when she looked at her camera. "Jinho, come see." Your mother gestured at your father and his lips curled slightly upwards before he pulled himself together.

The whole moment felt bittersweet and went by like you were thinking back on a blurry memory. Giggles, smiles, hugs and joy were the most prominent things in the blur that you felt.

You and Jungkook collected a few of the people who hadn't left school yet and invited them out for drinks. You purposely picked people who you weren't close with, except for Taehyung.

You invited Jisoo, the girl from your math class, a boy you knew from Forensics club and a few others you hadn't spent that much time with. Stumbling down the street to a nearby restaurant, you meet many other classmates. You get situated at a table and you share embarrassing memories from high school.

"Jisoo, do you remember when you got that love letter from Sungkwan and you went around telling-" One of the guys at your table started before Jisoo interrupted.

"Stop! I've never been so embarrassed in my life!" She laughed as she reached across the table to give him a little smack on the cheek. You look over to Jungkook who's staring out into the air, ignoring the constant calls from his father.

You take his hand under the table and you stroke his knuckles with your thumb. His shoulders fall down a little from their tense position when you touch him.

The weird feeling gets you again.

You know that Jungkook doesn't share as many fond memories from school as the rest of you around the table do, but you try your best to include him in the conversations when you can.

"Can we go outside?" Jungkook requests. "I have a memory I want to share." You look at him with a questioning look but you oblige and follow him outside.

You're standing outside the restaurant, feeling the summer breeze blow through your hair and your dress billowed to the point where it looked like a fairytale gown.

He gulps. He has always thought you were the prettiest girl in the world, but standing in front of him now, you looked angelic. He silently thanked the universe with blessing him with your presence. That he had gotten the opportunity to touch you and to feel you like he had.

"Y/N. I want to share a fond memory of mine that involved you, many years back." He spoke so formally you almost laughed at him, but you controlled yourself and nodded along. "The year I turned eleven, I invited the whole class to my birthday party. I paced around the floor as the clock ticked past six and no one had showed." He pauses and looks at you.

"I had given up all hope that anyone was gonna show, until you knocked on the door with a birthday card. You were the only person that showed that night and I've never forgotten about it." He sighed and his chest heaved for air.

"I hope you don't think it's weird but I keep the card on my nightstand." He admits ashamedly.

You don´t say anything, you just pull him in for a hug. The two of you stay like that for a while before you go back inside. It's seven pm when you go back inside and your heart feels heavy when you see the time on your phone.

The conversation goes on but you're so deep in your thought that you don't participate. It's hitting you real hard. Jungkook nudges you and shows you his phone with a bus schedule on it. It leaves from the bus stop outside the restaurant in eight minutes. You start saying your goodbyes to everyone at your table before you walk outside.

It´s silent as you're waiting for the bus, silent when you're sitting on the bus to the train station and it's silent when you get off.

"Platform seventeen..." He mumbles to himself and points you both to the right. You could see the sign with the little seventeen on it from afar but you so desperately want to point him in the other direction. Make him miss the train so he has some extra time to think about leaving.

a/n: so sorry for interrupting but if u want u can read the next part listening to the song I listened to while writing (taking pictures of you - the kooks)

He grabs your wrist and leads the way when you hesitate. Platform seventeen is right in front of you now, and the train is already there. He's looking you straight in the eyes, dressed in a suit and hair done all neatly you swore you could pass out.

You knew it was over although it never really started. All you did was spend fourteen days together, moving extremely quickly forward from strangers to being in bed together. You liked those fourteen days, you loved those fourteen days and you hated those fourteen days.

"I have to go." His lips quivered and your eyes stung with tears prickling in your eyes. There came the weird feeling again. This time, it didn't creep up on you, it hit you like a wave hits you at the beach, the type that makes you lose your balance and swallow a whole lot of water, struggling to get a breath of air. The feeling was unfamiliar to you and it felt uncomfortable.

"I really liked these fourteen days." You smiled genuinely through your tears. He pulled you in for another hug, less stiff than the ones before. It felt good to hug him, to get that last inhale of his cologne and the scent of his shampoo.

"Me too. I loved them." He spoke into your hair as he took in your scent for the last time in a while as well. "Visit me, please Y/N."

"Of course. I´ll come toward the end of the summer." You pulled away from the embrace to look him in the eyes. Before you knew it, you were kissing. The conductor yelled out that the train was leaving and he was the one to pull away this time. You took his hand and as he walked away his hand slipped away from yours.

He stepped on the train and you saw him through the window, never losing eye contact. You stood still on the platform as you were reduced to tears. The dark mascara that was running down your cheeks were the perfect contrast to the gorgeous white dress you were wearing. His denim jacket draped over your shoulders and your strappy baby pink heels in your left hand.

You were straight out of a movie.

As the train started moving, the feeling grew stronger as it finally hit you. You knew what you were feeling, and you had been denying it for too long.

It was love.

You were in love with Jeon Jungkook and he was leaving.

a/n: honestly that's the end but if u want to read a sneak peek of part 2 then scroll down a little!! join the taglist here if u want to be tagged in part 2.

The Epilogue

Day 1140

It was late at night and your friends had dragged you out of your apartment to go to some stupid club that had just opened in Gangnam. You weren't friends with any of your old friends anymore, just Taehyung.

You and Taehyung could be considered more than friends but less than lovers. It was complicated and not exclusive so you thought that you might as well find someone to spend the night with. He was sleeping with other women, so you felt like you should as well.

The music was blasting way too loud from the speakers and it was awfully crowded on the dance floor. You finally made your way to the ambient bar that was on the quieter side. Club standard quiet, of course. You ordered a gin and tonic to loosen up and have some fun.

The first year of university, you spent everyday partying and bringing new guys back to the apartment you shared with your best friend Hayoon. She eventually grew tired of it and so did you. You spent the second year dating, meeting new guys from Tinder or agreeing to blind dates that Hayoon arranged, and that didn't work out either.

By the time you started your third year you settled down with being Taehyung´s something. Sometimes, your mind would drift back to what you felt for Jungkook. You hadn't seen him in 3 years and you never visited him in Busan, but what you felt when you stood on platform seventeen is a feeling you'll never forget.

You cancelled your visit to Busan in the summer and promised to visit for fall break. By the time fall break came around, he wasn't picking up your calls. You kept calling for a few weeks and in anger and spite you blocked his number and never reached out again.

You asked the bartender for a straw just so you could stir the ice cubes around. Boredom washed over you after a while, so you moved seats to sit closer to the one window that wasn't shaded black. You saw the busy streets, girls with wobbly knees and high heels who held on to their boyfriends for support.

You were scouting the streets for something interesting to let your tired eyes focus on. Just like fate, like it was written in the stars, he was there. Jungkook was there. Rubbing your eyes and closing them for a few seconds didn't make him go away. You got off the barstool and picked up your bag, ready to rush out into the street.

You didn't know what to say or how to approach him, but you had to do something. Maybe take his hand and lead him away, let him say the first sentence and really let his voice soak in. Let his words surround you and his hands touch you.

You walked as fast as you could out the door in your own high heels. You were like those couples, he was missing the girl in high heels and you were missing the boy to support yourself on. You stood frozen on the sidewalk as he stood across the road from you. A girl leapt into his arms, dark raven curls bouncing as he caught her and pulled her in for a warm embrace.

Only now did you take your time to process how Jungkook looked. He was buff and muscular with a tattoo sleeve. Only in a t-shirt at night, his arms were free from any bruising. You were smiling like an idiot until you snapped back to reality and realised that he was holding someone else.

She kissed him,

and he kissed her.

fin.

(for now)

part 2 taglist

[dyke-will-graham]

Long Live Abigail Hobbs!

In honor of our best girl I’m sharing my favorite Abigail Hobbs coded songs because she’s quite literally the ghost haunting me. No one deserved her.

Killer- Phoebe Bridgers

“Sometimes I think I’m a killer. I scared you in your house, I even scared myself talking about Dahmer on your couch.”

“I am sick of the chase, but I’m hungry for blood. And there’s nothing I can do.”

Family Tree- Ethel Cain

“I’m just a child but I’m not above violence.”

“Christ forgive these bones in hiding and oh and the bones I’m about to leave.”

Sun-Bleached Flies - Ethel Cain

“God loves you but not enough to save you.”

“But I always knew that in the end no one was coming to save me so I just prayed, and I keep praying and praying. If it’s meant to be then it will be.”

Strangers- Ethel Cain

“I tried to be good, am I no good? With my memory restricted to a Polaroid in evidence.”

“Found you just to tell you I made it real far. And I never blamed you for loving me the way that you did.”

“Am I turning in your stomach? Am I making you feel sick?”

Bite the Hand- Boygenius

“Who do you think you are? Who do you think I am? Maybe I’m afraid of you?”

“I can’t love you how you want me to.”

Vienna (in Memoriam) - the army, the navy

Enough said.

Smother - Daughter

“In the darkness I will meet my creators and they will all tell me I’m a suffocator.”

“Sometimes I wish I had stayed in my mother, never to come out.”

Im Right Here - Theodore Shapiro

The humming and melody feel like what Abigail’s life with Will might have been had they been in WolfTrap instead.

House Song- Searows

“Something is rotten inside me, I have to find it and cut it out.”

Hard Times- Ethel Cain

“Tell me a story about how it ends where you’re still the good guy I make pretend cause I hate this story where happiness ends and dies with you.”

“I thought good guys got to be happy? I’m not happy. I am poison in the water and unhappy. A little girl who needs her daddy real bad.”

“I’m tired of you still tied to me.”

OKAY THATS ALL FOR NOW. Abigail is one of my favorite characters ever and I think her complexity should be observed more. She was a survivor and perceived in the light of those around her and never as she truly was and I mourn her daily. I think about how she deserved to go to school abroad and never want for anything but in the end was a playing pawn in a game between two men who were themselves too terrified and confused to make sense of each other much less her as an independent.

IF YOU WANT MORE HERES MY PLAYLIST FOR HER

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

I think he’d like it more if you did bite back I think he loves taming people. Like how only He could deal with Gojo. He doesn’t mind you biting back like an animal cause the second you become pliant he’ll know he won. I love the image of him just following you around listening to you bitch about him and he's just smiling cause so what if you're mad at him? At least you're thinking about him. I think he wouldn't be able to handle nonchalance it would make him go crazy. Feel however you feel about him but at least make sure to feel something. I don't think he cares if you leave teeth marks in him cause at least they're your teeth marks.

REMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

I FEEL SICK TO MY STOMACH NO ONE GETS ME THE WAY YOU DO IM LYING ON THE FLOOR AND BITING MY FIST.,…..,

ok so first of all. just picture me screaming this to you at the top of my lungs: YOU GET ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT YOU GET IT YOU GET IT THAT’S EXACTLY IT!!!! he LOVES taming people. he loves how difficult you get because it makes your rare bouts of softness so much more valuable. it really is like having a feral pet who hisses and bites you and scratches and scratches but then they lick the wound and you’re like 🥺🥺🥺🥺 awww….. that’s geto with you. he’s endlessly patient!! he loves you so dearly!!! he just thinks you’re the sweetest little thing even when you’re trying to make him mad. but you never could!! he could never be mad at his angel!!

I don't think he cares if you leave teeth marks in him cause at least they're your teeth marks.

^ rem im not joking when i say i had a PHYSICAL reaction to this at least one of my lungs collapsed. you’re so RIGHT. i’m holding your hand so tightly!!! you always always get it!!!! i think he even feels a sense of pride knowing you’d sink your teeth into him, that all this abundance of emotion is directed at him — you’re so so right rem!! he’d hate it if you were nonchalant or ignored him entirely but he doesn’t mind hatred. i think he even welcomes it.

i think a part of him is convinced that you’ll come around, too — that even though you hate him now you’ll be melting into his arms soon enough. he enjoys the violence but i think he enjoys the idea of the softness to come even more!! and the idea just gets sweeter and sweeter the more you bite. i don’t think anything makes him feel as overjoyed as finally getting to see you relax, curl into him, look to him for comfort…. and he always gives it so eagerly. because he knew you’d come around eventually!! and he wants to reward you for it!!!!!

like genuinely rem i see cult leader!geto as even more of a caretaker than suguru because cult leader!geto doesn’t put any limits on his love. he wouldn’t care if it was overwhelming. he mothers the hell out of you with literally no signs of stopping because he quite literally lives and breathes devotion. might even border on worship….

I’M STARTING TO RAMBLE PSHDJSH this genuinely made me insane rem 😭😭😭 tysm for feeding me ily always !!! i can always trust u when it comes to sugu <3333

[xoxo-ren-xoxo]

im starved of cannibalism . give me some cannibalism thoughts /nf -🤖

HI TORDSGIANTROBOT ANON ILY

Cannibalism thoughts... hmm well I'm always having those. I think they shall be of the convexian variety if thats alright with you.

Cannibalism talk below the cut ->

I was literally Just thinking about convexian cannibalism (as always) so here's some thoughts. This is kind of the same universe (?) as some of my other grian/scar/cub cannibalism oneshots, where the cannibalism is a somewhat new thing between scar and grian and then cub joins in later.

I was thinking about the possibility of Scar being a born-vex and Cub being someone who was turned into a vex in s5, so Scar had to teach Cub a bit about being a vex and how that all works. It's why Cub seems more hesitant and weirded out when Scar talks about eating people that one time (you know the clip)

Cub struggles with the whole cannibalism thing. Usually he's down for whatever, he's a pretty chill guy, and he likes the odd unethical experiment here and there, but eating people just feels icky. Or, in his mind, he can't quite get it to stop associating eating people with something really deeply wrong.

But a vex has gotta eat! And, well, Scar has also got some issues, pre-season 9, where no one really knows he eats people and he tends to just wait until he goes feral. But he doesn't want that for Cub so he offers himself. Cub definitely gets sick the first few times, but it's a mental thing rather than something physical. After a while he is able to stomach it.

He even admits that flesh tastes pretty good now he's a vex. And that it has brought him closer to Scar in a way he didn't know existed. But he's too afraid and nauseous to think about eating anyone who Isn't Scar. And it kind of sucks for Scar, too, because he knows in his little vex heart that vexes are meant to hunt together, in pairs or threes, and he's missing out on that... not that Scar is really choosing to hunt anyone.

Until Grian, that is. Scar is kinda over the moon about the arrangement they come up with. Tells Cub all about it and everything. Cub is only a little jealous.

Then Scar invites Cub to go cannibalise Grian with him, as a pair, and thus we get the oneshot with Cub joining the group. It's not clear 'cause it's all from Grian's POV but that fic is the first time Cub has eaten someone who isn't Scar.

And erm they all gaykiss. Yeah. It's about overcoming fears with the power of gay love. Or something.

[the-duchess-of-domination]

TW for ED/ARFID talk

I'm severely emetophobic (to the point of ARFID) yet I love tummies so much? The noises, the smooth skin, how it changes shape depending on how full it is, the fact that we need them to keep us alive! Everything! But only online. I'm such a sucker for upset tummy fluff yet if someone said their stomach hurt in real life I would probably cry on spot and hold my breath around them forever. I think part of the love for tummies (or I guess you could say kink but it's not that sexual for me) is because I wish I could do it IRL. I wish I could comfort people and rub their tummies when they don't feel well. So instead I go to tumblr where I can do it no problem. I know this is rambling, but I hope someone relates

-lurker anon

TW: OCD, Emetophobia

hi anon!! thank you for sharing!! im sure a lot of us (including me!!) can relate!

i’ll share a little bit about myself! everything with me started as a child, and there are a lot of overlapping layers. i knew from an early age (literally by 5 years old) that it was exciting to me when cute boys had stomach aches (usually from being fed too much, throwing up wasn’t really on my radar quite yet but it makes sense because it comes with the territory). most of the pieces of media i can remember leaving an impact on me usually cut away or just insinuated that a male character was nauseous or too full by showing their face turn green or having them duck off screen. nothing was ever particularly graphic. this also led to a fixation on stomachs in general, especially the stomachs of bigger guys.

though i never admitted this fascination to anyone (and nobody ever shamed me), i felt weird because i knew other people didn’t share this fixation, so i kept it to myself and tried to enjoy it in private (this usually took the form of writing stories or seeking out media that possibly had sick boys in it. i was a real sleuth). i was a bit obsessive with it, but overall most of the harm was internal rather than external because i was convinced that to enjoy watching men’s pain and discomfort must have meant i was evil or that something was seriously with me.

the thing with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is that when you explain your compulsions and thoughts out loud they sound silly because you know they aren’t true, but you can’t help but think them. as a child my thoughts told me that to become sick was an admittance of weakness (which, obviously is SO not true lmao) and that expressing vulnerability was a man’s job. i developed crippling emetophobia that has persisted into my adulthood. the idea with vomiting and its lack of control was absolutely horrifying to me.

a man being sick? there is nothing sexier.

but me?

i began to have panic attacks through middle and high school. this later led to contamination OCD, always being terrified of being sick, and again, worrying and having thoughts about why i found it so attractive when boys admitted they were nauseous (that i must be corrupt, a bad person, crazy, etc).

sometimes i think our brains help us cope with trauma and fear by throwing us a bone every now and again. my fear of losing control manifests in fantasies where i hold all the power. i use my fetishes to strengthen the relationship i have with myself: that im not evil, or wrong, or corrupt, or out of control, or crazy. im just a girl who does things a little differently, and control in my fetish life helps me feel more comfortable dealing with my emetophobia in real life.

anyway, that was a long tangent, but i hope this resonates with the people!! 😭 we just love tummies man. i too love the little sounds they make and what those little sounds mean, the look of them, the way they sit on people’s hips, the fact that they can bloat bigger or get smaller, that we anthropomorphize them by saying they get “upset,” the chest and nipples right above them—i could write a manifesto i SWEAR.

-the duchess 👑🦢

[dgaftilwedie]

actually......... previous post reminded me of ANOTHER event with this guy (im oversharing)

so i have like a huge issue with hazbin hotel. idc if you like it, that's all you. but i cannot get into that show because of a previous traumatic event that i don't wish to speak of. ESPECIALLY alastor and angel dust. super triggering to talk about. I SWEAR THIS IS IMPORTANT CONTEXT.

anyways, i was talking to this guy and we got on the topic of things that triggered us (he claimed he wanted to look out for me) and i was like "oh yeah yknow hazbin hotel-" and he goes "WHAT?? WHY??" and for the next fucking hour he goes on a rant about how it "isn't really that bad" and how i was "being dramatic" and he told me that he was sure i'd love it because "it's a vulgar show and you're a vulgar person" (thanks a lot <3 definitely makes me feel good about myself!!!!!!!!!)

and then he starts explaining the characters to me, trying to make the show seem more appealing, and the whole time im like sitting on the other end of the conversation (which was over discord btw) fucking SHAKING because all he was doing was comparing our friendship to alastor and angel dust. which is quite literally the same comparison between me and another ex friend that made is such a problem media for me then.

and it bothers me so much to fucking think about because this prick would get mad if i even ALLUDED TO the south. he'd get so fucking pissy if i brought up one of my interests that he didn't like. but he was allowed to sit there and try to force me to like something that genuinely makes me sick to my stomach?????

AND WHAT DIDN'T HELP IS THE PERSON THAT CAUSED THAT MEDIA TO BE SUCH AN ISSUE TO ME WHAT HIS EX PARTNER, WHO I'D TOLD HIM SEVERAL TIMES WAS A HORRIBLE FUCKING PERSON!!!!!!! AND HE IGNORED ME EVERY SINGLE TIME UNTIL AFTER THEY BROKE UP. AND THEN HE TRIED TO APOLOGIZE BUT HE DIDN'T MEAN A SINGLE WORD OF IT BC HE DID THE SAME THINGS TO ME THAT HIS EX PARTNER DID!!!!!!!! but nawwwwww i was just being "overdramatic" :33 i need to get over myself :'((

[secretsofiety]

When i was younger i would post a lot on social media. People always knew what i was up to cause it would be in my ig story, twitter, or facebook. I used to love dressing up and taking pictures and i honestly felt really validated by the likes and male attention i got. Now that im typing this, i remember being addicted to social media as far back as when MySpace was popping lmao. It makes me sick to my stomach and embarrassed when i think about how starved i was for people to see me and like me but im gonna be real😭

Anyways, when i was 18 and a senior i got a job that made everyone around me suck up to me and i loved that attention too lmaoo. Im not gonna say where i worked cause i wanna remain anonymous but just know that it was a cute lil job for someone my age. Especially since i was still in high school at the time. It was expected for employees to look nice so now i had a reason to dress up everyday and do my makeup. It’s so crazy because I have Rahu + Mars in Leo in the 6th house and the dispositor is Sun in Libra lol. It was a sales job (Mars rules competition) Rahu rules makeup, Leo energy is glamorous; and the 6th house relates to your work environment AND everyday routine idc what anyway says!

(It’s actually funny how i got that job. I was in there with my friends and decided to randomly ask one of the employees if they were hiring. She turned out to be the manager and she surprised me by asking me to do a mock sale with a shoe and after that i was hired! 10th ruled by Jupiter tings 💫 Now i wanna see what the transits were looking like on that day omg!)

So while at that job, i would post even more pictures and got validated even more on social media. I would also meet random guys who would come into the store just to talk to me. One guy ended up being the catalyst for why im even into astrology now by that’s a story for another day lmao.

I quit that job after a year and a few months later i ended up working another sales job in the same mall that was even more better than that the previous job. I ended up getting a call back literally as soon as i got back home from the interview (10th house Sag!). It was only for a season but it was another job that required me to look nice and i did! Still was posting and loving the attention.

Once that job was over, I went to college and was turnt the fuck up. That’s when I started to REALLY grow into my looks and was really feeling myself and posting online even more than before. I was also getting lots of attention in real life on campus so you know my ass was hype😂😂

But anyways, i said all this and still didn’t get to the point of why im posting. When you have Mercury in the 9th house there is no such thing as getting straight to the point lolol.

Ok, my point of this was to reflect on how when i was doing all of that posting online, girls wanted to be my friend and guys wanted to date(fuck) me. I’ve even had a girl inbox me saying something like “you’re pretty i want to be your friend.” It rubbed me the wrong way, only because i feel like she only said that because of what i was posting on social media and how she perceived my life to be. People i knew already, would always tell me that i looked like i was having fun and i was always going out so i could only imagine what the people who didn’t know me were thinking.

Idk, I saw a post on twitter that said it’s something weird behind a girl who tries too hard to be your friend and it made me think about all of this lmao. It made me think about how as a Pisces, whenever i tell people how i be getting depressed and sad sometimes, they always be surprised cause they think im a happy person who is always having fun. I stopped posting on social media so much when i realized how much people were perceiving me by what i posted. It didn’t feel good anymore. Cause even though i wanted validation from others, that’s not something i realized at the time. I thought i was just posting because i wanted to share my life and thought it was harmless. I didn’t know that people were coming up with their own ideas of me.

[thesillygoofyjester]

Randy was in love. 

At least, he THINKS its love, it's been so long since he's felt it himself that he's not really sure, but nonetheless, he IS sure, that every time he sees you, or, phone-god forbid, hears your voice, it does funny things to his stomach, and makes his navel tingle in a way he no longer thought possible 

Point being, when you called him, cheerful an oblivious to the fact he was miserable and alone, and feeling things he SHOULD NOT BE FEELING in his miserable little dumpster, it managed to twist his un-harvested intestines into a tight, uncomfortable, knot 

At the third ring, he answered, pressing the call button on his face 

“heeyyy, w-what are you doing calling me this late? Are you all alone on this FINE Saturday night?” 

He cringed, both inwardly and outwardly, at the horrible phrasing of that, what was he THINKING? 

But then, he heard your laughter over the phone 

“Jeez Randal! It's like, 5pm, not THAT late, and besides-” 

He barely registered what you said, too focused on the sound of your voice and the tingling slowly reaching below his (non-existent) belt to really focus on the words. 

“-I'm not alone, I'm talking to you!” 

His breath caught in his throat at the thought of you two being alone together 

You would grab his hips, pinning his lanky form beneath you as you whispered all the things you wanted to do to him, your hands roaming as you gently rutted against him, and- 

“Randy? Hello?” 

Shit. He had gotten so caught up in his horrible fantasy (and the growing tension in his pants), he had forgotten that he was talking to the real you 

“Hey! Hi- sorry, lost in thought, what's up?” 

He heard you snicker (he made you laugh! Again!) and he knew he was doomed, at this rate, NOTHING was going to get rid of this boner 

“Lost in thought huh? Whatcha thinking about?” 

Oh phone-God no, how was he supposed to tell you that he had gotten distracted because he was too busy thinking about you. You, fucking him, you, abusing every surface he had to offer, treating him like an object, using him for your own pleasure- 

“uuuuuuhhhhh” he stammered out as his brain short circuited 

“I-uhm, heh, well- you see-” oh jeez, oh no, that previous tension in his pants was starting to get painful, and it wasn't like he was betraying your trust as a friend by pulling his cock out of his pants, it wasn't like he was imagining you, telling him to take off his pants as he did so, or- 

“NOTHING!” he concluded, finishing his wretched sentence, and cutting off his train of thought 

He could practically HEAR your eyebrow raise as you spoke 

“Must be some pretty interesting nothing, to get you all riled up like this-” 

Oh god, even when you teased him, why oh why did it have to sound like flirting! 

“y-yup! Just some, REALLY interesting nothing alright!” he said, pretending to NOT be gently rubbing the tip of his dick with his thumb, imagining YOUR hand wrapped around it instead 

“hmmmm~” you answered, sounding uncomfortably amused 

“Well, if you're not DOING anything, and you're not THINKING anything, then what ARE you doing over there” 

His thumb left his tip, and the test of his fingers began gently brushing along his length, trembling and unsteady 

“Im- um-!” his voice cracked \, and he gasped, brushing over a particularly sensitive spot, his hips bucking involuntarily 

“Jus-just sitting here in my dumpster, a-alone, not doing anything at a-all-ll"  

He almost hung up right then and there, he had, quite literally, moaned the last word of that sentence, his breathing unsteady, and his whole-body tingling 

“Are you sure? You don't sound great, are you sick, I could come over, bring some pain meds if you need...?” your voice trailed off, the question hanging in the air 

It almost hurt how much he wanted to say yes, how much he wanted you to come over, and rub your dripping cunt over his tip as you gently praised him, talking about all his little scars and imperfections 

Or maybe, you’d flip him over and fuck him raw, your cock filling him in ways he’d never been filled before, all while degrading him for all his disgusting behaviors 

(he wasn't sure your genital situation, he had never asked, and sure never planned to) 

But all of that was exactly why you couldn’t come over, not now at least 

“n-n-NO!” he shouted, only to face palm, he couldn’t sound that desperate, that was suspicious as hell! “I- I mean, I wouldn’t want you to catch, w-whatever I h-have~!” 

His hand only grew faster, pumping down his now sticky cock with ease, the burning shame only serving to arouse him more 

The line grew silent, as he waited for your response  

“h-hello?” his voice was suddenly too loud in the small metal dumpster 

“you’re jacking off, aren’t you?”  

Your voice was suddenly flat, devoid of all previous concern for his wellbeing 

“I-ha- no, why would you think that?” He’s aware of how he sounds, and that he probably not convincing anyone with the amount of whining he was doing 

But he didn’t want to lose you, you had gotten him a job, a life, you had been like a ray of sunshine coming into his life, and now he was going to lose it all because he couldn’t sit on his hands for a quick phone call 

“I’m not an IDIOT Randal, I know what moaning sounds like” 

Randy’s hand paused, the horrible, sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach growing, shit, shit, shit shit SHIT 

“I-I’m um, pleas-e- “  

He wasn’t sure what he had meant to say, maybe beg you to stay, or apologize, but what you said next killed any words in his throat before he could say them 

“I wish I was there with you...” 

What, what WHAT?? 

“H-huh?!” 

Your voice was suddenly low, and purred put the words with a cool, confident air. 

“I wish I was there with you, watching you as you jerked off to the sound of my voice over the phone” 

Randy felt a tingle run down his spine at your sweet words, his breath catching in his throat 

“W-w-w- wait, what?!” 

He could not believe this was happening, he must’ve inhaled more bleach if he was imagining this 

“Randy…” 

And there it was, your voice, he could feel it emanating from his speaker, the slight vibrations in his brain all the proof he needed for this to be real 

“Are you touching yourself right now?” 

He looked down, at his still, trembling hand, paused in fear for what you might say 

“Ye-yes- “ 

“Good.” 

You cut him off before he could finish the sentence, more questions pouring from his speakers 

“What are you doing?” 

You had already asked him practically the same question earlier, but this time, he knew what you wanted 

“I-I’m just holding it...” 

He admitted, his voice breathy and pleading  

“Just holding it?”  

Your voice was lilted and teasing, and yet it made his heart race all the same 

“Well then, why don’t you start moving, slowly” 

He swallowed audibly and let out a little “mhm!” To let you know he was listening  

Taking a deep breath, he began moving his hand again, slowly pumping down his cock as his breath hitches, quiet, repressed noises, rising and falling in his throat  

He heard you sigh into the microphone, along with a rustling of fabric and a quiet exhale 

“Now...” you started; your voice suddenly breathier 

“Tell me what you’re thinking about, tell me what you want me to do to you,” 

He wasn’t sure where to begin, he had so many thoughts about what he wanted you to do. 

He took a deep breath, and began  

“I-I want you to pi-pin me down, and tell me I’m pathetic for pushing back, as you use, and abuse, every part of my body inside and out” 

His voice, and his hand, grew rushed the longer he talked, and he had to pause, and take a deep breath to continue  

“I want you to ho-hold me, and tell me I’m pre-pretty, as you fuck me” 

His head fell back onto the wall of the dumpster, panting as your voice rang through his head 

“Hmm, I think I’d like that...” (you would?!) “Do you want to know what I want to do to you?” 

He nodded, and then, realizing you couldn’t see him, forced out a little “yes please” breathlessly  

“ I want to pin you down and hear you whimper, I want to hear you beg, I want to see you desperate, I want to fuck you till you can't speak, till you can only whine my name, I want to tease you, I want to do all of that while riding or fucking you, need I go on?” 

He nearly came right then and there. But he didn’t, not until you told him he was allowed to (he hoped you’d let him cum soon) 

“I-I -um -ah-!” 

He couldn’t form a cohesive sentence, but you seemed to understand what he meant anyways  

“Did you like that? Do you want that?”  

He did, he really did, but he couldn’t seem to verbalize it, after several long moments, he managed to choke out a single word 

“Pl-plea-se”  

It was mor like a whine then a word, but it made sense nonetheless  

He could practically hear your smile over the phone, as you responded, quiet and demanding 

“Prove it, and don’t hold back.” 

That was all he needed. 

His hand, sweaty, and slick with blood and pre, slid down his length, with more speed and ferocity than he had in a long time 

And, like you said, he didn’t hold back, he let all his little noises out, all the pants and groans and moans, as you whispered sweet nothings into the phone, both of your voices echoing around the metal dumpster  

He was so close, with your voice in his ear and his hand on his cock, so close, so close, so-! 

Hot sticky ropes of cum exploded out, as his breath hitched and he screamed, his voice box stuttering and crackling at the strain 

When it was over, he was left with a sticky dumpster, sticky hands, and sticky pants. 

He thought you had hung up on him, until he heard your soft breathing, and, in a barely audible voice  

“Good boy…” 

He heard a click, and the line went dead 

He sighed, looking at the mess around him. he’d better get started on cleaning up  

You stared down at the phone in your hand, before putting it down beside you on the bed 

You gently pulled your hand away from your sex, looking at your slick fingers  

God that man had no idea what he did to you 

You had your suspicions from the start of the call, his voice had been too breathy, too wobbly 

But damn hearing him moan, and whine like that? Hearing him whimper your name? 

Now THAT was a high like no other 

You sighed, changed out of your ruined underwear and put on a new pair of pants, before picking your phone back up, and typing out a new message to Randy  

I’ll be over in an hr, try to get cleaned up, if u can ;) I’m taking u out to dinner tonite 

You smiled as you set your phone back down, already planning what you were going to do him later that night 

[petrichor-reminiscence]

more restoration thots

so, this is me just copy-pasting my original notes i was taking while watching, and i took them on my phone so uh apologies for any spelling mistakes or grammatical errors lol ^^; i cleaned it up the best i could but if i missed anything uh no i didn't

note below the cut, spoilers!

the retro convention opening is WILD lmao, keepsake coozie

lmao box canyon bozos 8 love that

this convention is so funny

typing on my phone im dying

all mysteriously disappeared

???

undisclosed oooooooh lmao

Dylan Andrews hasn't met the reds and blues, confirmed retcon then?

KAIIIII

WOOOOOOO

her intro music? iconic

oh shit

"you bitches are on your own"

"epic" LMAO

OMFG IS THAT LOCUS

NO ITS META

OH FUCK

FUCK FUCK FUCK

IM DYING KFKGKKGKGK

why does this intro feel like a marvel movie

THE REDSSSSS

WOOOOO

WHERE IS DONUT

WHERE IS LOPEZ

SCREAMING

"that's me hi I'm grif"

IN CHARGE OF AMMO LETS GO HAHAHA

"I'm morally opposed to counting"

"I think counting is a gateway drug to mathematics" LMAOO

THE BACKWARDS ONE HAHAHAHAHA PHENOMENAL WAY TO SAY DIVISION

DND REFERENCE

"why are we even here"

WHERE ARE THEY

GRIF STOP GETTING META I WILL CRY

he'll have Lopez do the inventory BUT WHERE IS LOPEZ

BLUE BASE?!?!

SHEILA SOUNDS WRONG

so does caboose, but that's a given

I've gotta gonna stomach it jfjgkgkg

Lopez also sounds wrong

CABOOSE CAN SPEAK SPANISH?!?!

W H A T

HAH can only speak but not understand that is so caboose

okay Sheila is starting to sound a bit more normal

oh fuck is the light epsilons message?!

IT IS THEY PULLED A STARWARS

OH SHIT

OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT

LOPEZ SPEAKING IN ENGLISH WITH THE SPANISH SUBTITLES

IM DYING HOLY SHIT

is this after thirteen or seventeen? I'm thinking thirteen because Dylan hasn't met them but I can't fucking tell quite yet

unsc military hospital?!?!

IS THIS WHERE WASH IS

OMFG IT IS HE HAS A KITTY ON THE NIGHTSTAND

DOC

he's in pt bitch what happened

screaming

kfmgkkglgmf

"I think I've earned my issues with authority"

DOC KNOWS ABOUT HIS IMPLANTATION TROUBLES NOW?!

he doesn't remember a lot of that??

I'm screaming omfg

someone else's memories? man wash is goin through it

WASNT MUCH OVERLAP IN THEIR PERSONALITIES?!?!? SCREAMING

doc and omega are similar

wash DID feel everything alpha felt confirmed

where tf is tucker

shipyard?

WHOM

is this locus give me locus

NO ITS META TUCKER

theta sounds like apple bloom lmao

tucker is flashing?!?!

SIGMA SHUT

omfg poor tucker I'm gonna start fucjing crying

w h a t

omfg the ship charons ship

Simmons is in charge of zingers

Simmons stop saying sick burn ill cry

caboose sounds so wrong but I'll still have to suck it uppppp

tucker been missing for months again JDJKGKG

everything feels so off im gonna cry

why is grif so aggressive rn?!

oh shit here comes sheila lmao

grif holy shit what is WRONG with you right now?

the music is so evil omfg

CHURCH

he's still dead

lmao I love him

so the rest of the seasons WERE simulations!! gotcha gotcha retcon confirmed

Simmons oh my god you are going crazy

wait no wonder everything feels off

they've been going insane by themselves after everything at chorus ofc they'd act differently

"did you tell ALL the simulations they're real?" "... no?"

"I can't predict how to communicate with caboose" I love this

HAHA HIS WEIRD BRAIN I LOVE THAT

he's literally pyroland tbh

he's so off but I still love him

animated infographic LMAO

there better be fucking sand cutting or slime videos to the side lol

"I hope there's ads!"

OMFG DAVID CAMP CAMP CAMEO

lmao ofc sarge is in a political echochamber lmao

LMAO HE MADE A META JUMPSCARE CHURCH THAT WAS SO UNECESSARY I LOVE YOU

he added a bow-chicka-bow-wow for tucker

aw tucker :(

the visuals omfg

CRYING BABY NOISES IM KFKGKG

CHURCH ON A THERAPY COUCH

LMAO THE DIRECTOR IS THE THERAPIST

"I'm taking full accountability for holding someone else accountable"

oh shit tucker was the great destroyer! holy fuck!

destined to destroy their enemies, the humans

oh shit felix

he's a mix of fucking EVERYONE?!

even felix?

HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?!

lmao real tucker was the best soldier

he sells tshirts

fuck he withheld the epsilon fragment uh oh

uh oh potential alpha that's unpredictable and terrifying

lol the reds are gonna say no aren't they

this whole epic build up with the help us question? they're gonna say no

HAHA THEY JUST LEFT CALLED IT

LMAO

jesus grif be nice to caboose im gonna have to smack him

simmonssss cmonnnn

caboose noooooo

my heart is breaking rn

oh fuck meta tucker

HES BACK ON THE SHIP

the echo of tuckers actual voice im screaming

oh shit gammas time deception shit noo dont torture my boy

sigmaaaa you are so evil you bastard

oh shit omega

TUCKERS ECHO IM SCREAMING

I can't tell if sigma is actually elijah or not rn

oH shit ten years of torture??

NOOO!!

TUCKER NOOOOOOO

HIS SCREAMING IM GONNA DIE

oh fuck

i'm kfkgkfllskdogo this is more heartbreaking than i expected

YAY WASH TIME

the fucjing recording in the hospital i hate this

this feels like a containment situation not an actual hospital

DR GRAY

oh fuck them treating him like he's crazy

no I'm gonna

gray I will have to fight you

ADMIRAL DONUT?!?!

DOC YOU TOO?!

screaming

CALLING HIM DAVID OH SHIT

gray I wanna hit you

oh poor wash this fucking gaslighting I'm idkgkvkv

oh my god they need to get him out of there wtf

they're treating him like a crazy dementia patient

omfg there they go

there goes the reds in the warthog aka puma

omfg sarge shooting him while talking to him kdkgkvk

479er!!!

SC REAMING

cant tell if its her same va but at this point that's to be expected

omfg epsilon never liked her lol

haha serial killer caboose

THE SLOW TURN CABOOSE AHAHAHA

omfg they are going back to hargroves ship

oh shit they're going for the recovery unit!

his random shut up caboose moments lmao

uh oh pure stealth

lmao immediately abandoning it just like i expected

lmao sarge talking about blasting through everything for eight minutes

lmao even epsilons fragment memory message shit is sleeping haha

dammit sarge

omfg caboose still has his confetti gun

WHERE IS FRECKLES GIVE ME FRECKLES

caboose yelling pew pew omfg and him and sarge back to back im loving this

there's no one in the room

CABOOSE WINS THE PARADE

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

lmao command went to zoom LOL

THEM COMING IN THE ZOOM WITH THE FUCKING GREENSCREEN BACKROINDS AND POUNTING WEAPONS LMAOOO

THE CAT FILTER AHAHAHA

he muted himself

screaming omfg

SOMEONE SAID CHAT

HOLY SHIT

oh shit they're in the main room

grif better find the gridshit

*grifshit

fuck

whatever you get the idea

oh fuck the metas armor TUCKERS THERE

OH FUCK

they're so dumb

they're so fucking dumb

"we're so fucking dumb" EXACTLY WHAT I SAUD

SARGE SAID MONKEYING ABOUT AHAHAHA

oh fuck

chrome dome lmao

oh fuck they're getting their asses kicked

church's late warning lmao

LMAO HES BEATING THEM WITH THE HEALTH KITS

OH FUCK

aw simmons standing in front of caboose trying to talk to tucker

im gonna cry

I'm gonna fucking cey

I fucking jfjgkkgkvb

stop stop stop it stop it

simmons is just making him mad by talking about how shitty blue team i'm fuckin oasigjsdaoigj

NO NOT CABOS

OH FUCJ

NO NO NO NO

I swear to god

THE REDS FUCKIN LEFT

or well they tactically advanced

tucker coming through at intervals

"dont feel bad afterwords I forgive you" FUCK

TUCKER LETTING HIM RUN OFLGKBKH

IM GONNA CRY

did sarge go to save caboose?!

OH ,my GOD

NO NO NO

TUCKER META IS MAKING ME WANNA DIE

SARGE HUZZAH

FUCK YEAH SARGE LETS GO

OH SHIT HE WAS BADASS FOR A MOMENT UNTIL HE RAN OUT OF AMMO

OH FUCK HES BADASS RIGHT NOW

YO

sarge is killing these one liners holy shit

OH FUCK THE SWORD

SARGE JUST GOT STABBED

NO NO NO NO NO NO

NONONONONONONO

FUCK OFF THAT ONE TUMBLR USER WAS RIGHT IM SO PISSED

OH FUCK DID THEY REALLY KILL HIM

FUCK

him holding simmons arm im kfkgkgk

grif on the verge of tears with his voice cracking nooooo

HES TALKING TO THEM LIKE THEYRE HIS SONS

HE SALUTED SARGE

HES GIVING SIMMONS HIS SHOTGUN

HE TOLD HIM HES PROUD OF HIM

"grif?" "I'm here sarge" like INSTANTLY

GRIF AND SRGES MOMENT

SARGE BELIEVED IN HIM

FUCK

NO THIS HURTS

"remember that for me" OH FUCK OFF NO

HES GONE I CANT I CANT I CANT I CANT

okay back to wash

let this man free ffs

doc with a medical mask as a disguise

omfg doc busting him out

BLOOD GULCH

THEY BURIED HIM IN BLOOD GULCH

this time they had to actually bury him for realsies

aw he's got a button for vaguely southern insults

them talking about sarge I'm gonna aklglgkhkb

aw he the official leader and his first decision is??

he's discharging grif

OH MY GOD HES SETTING HIM FREE

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

"come with me" !!!

NFKLGLGKGKGKG

they're together they love each other and they need to make out right now

omfg

simmons is gonna stay and help as a good leader

I love him so much OH my god

WHY ARE WE HERE KFKFKVKG

grif please don't leave please

OMFG YAY

FOR OLD TIMES SAKE

SARGE WOULDVE WANTED IT

he never gave up on grif im gonna cry

I'm already crying what am I saying

GRIF SALUTED SARGES GRAVE KDKFKKF

omfg is church gonna get his body back??

I KNEWIT

CABOOSE WAS GONNA DO HIS THING

I KNEW IT FROM THE MOMENT HE GRABBED THE OTHER MEMORY UNIT THING

HES GONNA TELL CABOOSE HOW TO BRING HIM BACK

we lost one leader in 13, then got one back kinda with his messages, then lost one AGAIN, then maybe gaining another one

omfg them trying to tell him they can't bring him back

him repeating memory is the key im fkkgkvf I'm screaming

aw their memories of blood gulch

them sitting there reminiscing on old memories I'm gonna fucjing cry

THE MUSIC DOESNT HELP FUCK OFF

FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF

they're all laughing and reminiscing I'm gonna jfkgkkgkg

omfg the memory unit glowing

THE FLASHBACKS I CANT

the three worst soldiers ever

it's so true though, they are The Worst and I love them so much

oh fuck metas here

oh no

HE HAS THE GRIFSHOT WOOOO

"ready?" "no simmons I am not" about sums it up

simmons fumbling with the shotgun

them charging so slowly with like no motivation omfg it hurts

DOC AND WASH JFKGOGOKGG

oh fuck wash is gonna do something stupid

lmao I love them

OH FUCK WASH

OMFG

"one last story to tell"

omfg he's telling the story about church and tex

kfkgolglglgkvk about og leonard and allison

I can't

"one last adventure grif"

i'm screaming

they're all gonna die aren't they

oh fuck meta is kicking their asses

please church or anyone come back im kfkglg

istg are they gonna kill off everyone except for church?? reverse season 13?

oh fuck there goes diamond arm

*simmons

caboose telling the whole story of church and alpha and the whole lineage is fucking beating me up

the memory shit

CABOOSE SHUT UP IM GONNA DIE

the best memories never die"

CHUR CH OMFG CHURCH????

[7:54 AM]CHURCH CHURCH CHURC H CHURCH?!

lmao grif calling him sir

SIMMONS A CC EPTING HIS LEADER ROLE

FUCK

someone stepped on him, meta?

oh fuck is meta

OH FUCK

omfg Simmons is being a badass

"cmon you dirty blue"

FUCK SIMMONS IS BADASS TN IM KFKKGKV

why is he showing off

OH ITS CUZ HIS ROBOT ARM BROKE HAHA

reminding me of why he was my literal first fictional crush- i mean what who said that

THE SHOTGUN NOOOOOO

WASH SHOW UP RIGHT NOW

WASH COME ON

OMFG CABOOSE

he got thrown?

THEJEEP?!

WHO THREWW THE JEEP

WHO TF THREW THE JEEP

CHURH OR WASH MAYBE

UH OH

TEX?!?!?!

TEX!!!!!!

TEX!!!

TEX IS BACK TEX IW BACK TEX IS BACK

HER IN CHURCHS BODY IM

HEYRE FIGHTING OMFG

jsjfkgkJGKVKVKKGKG

:because I wanted to win" I LOVE HIM

he brought back tex ON PURPOSE

OMFG THEYRE GONNA HELP

ope there they go, so helpful

fucking wash you're a dumbaaa

oh fuck recovery beacon?!

Oh FUCK

LMAO

wash is a dumbass he broke his leg

oh fuck what did he do

wash what did you do

NO HE PULLED A SEASON 8 TEX ON HER

HE BROKE HER BACK LIKE SHE DID TO META IN 8 NOOO

NOOOO

TEX NOOOOO

OMFG THE DROP POD MAINES DROP POD

MAINES DROP POD WHO IS IN IT

CAROLINA!!!!

CAROLINA SHES HERE SHES HERE

YES I MISSED YOU

"she's tex jr" LMAO

CMON LINA THE DEATH BATTLE PREDICTED YOUR WIN COME ON

at least I think she won the death battle vs meta ^^;

TEX!!!

OMFG SHES GONNA GO THROUGH THE PORTAL AND TURN BLACK

OMFG MOTHER AND DAUGHTER REUNITING

THE MUSIC HER MUSIC

JRJFJ B B JGKGI

"she's back in black... stuff" ICONIC

HOLY FUCK

KICK HIS ASS GIRLS!!!!!

THE MUSIC FOR ROUND ONE BULLFIGHT LETS GOOO

FUCK

omfg caboose wtf are you doing

caboose

holy shit

caboose what the fuck

I love him

oh shit

the wall is crumbling

oh fucl

oh fuck blood gulch is breaking

this is symbolic somehow to me but my brain is dead too MUCH

"not my fault, someone put a wall in my way" YES ICONIC YES WOOO

THERE GOES THE SWORD

FUCK

LINA NO

LINA NO

TEX FUCK YES FUCK HIM UP

Istg if they make washilina canon im killing myself

oh fuck tex!

NO!!!

I'm sad now

FUCK NO HE HAS HIS GUN META HAS TAKEN BACK THE GRIFSHOT

NO HE STABBED HER

SHIT

SIGMA HOLY SHIT

SHES IN A ROBOT BODY THO SO MAYBE SHE'LL BE OKAY???

stop calling her a shadow :( I'll cry

LITERALLY SEASON 8 REFLECTIONS HOLY SHIT

DAYUM SIGMAS CHEEKS

are they gonna use the car again

holy shit she's based on caboose and the rest of em

YES SHE ALWAYS KICKED THEIR ASSES

YES TEX LETS GO

SOME T ING SOMETHING ABOUT OTHERS MEMORIES INSTEAD OF DIRRCTORS SDAJGOIASDJ SCREAMING

HAHA SHE GOT HIS NUTS AND ITS NOT GRIF FOR ONCE LOL

LETS GO

"like some kind of ball? from sports?"

SARGE IS BACK LIKE MUFASSA

DONUT IS BACK IN A CHEERLEADER OUTFIT

YEAH

WOOOO

"that was the best throw... ever. of all time." SCREAMING

FUCK YEAH THAT NERD HAS A REALLY GOOD ARM

TEX GET HIM PLEASE

she got him!!!

[8:06 AM]OH ,fuck

THETA NO MY HEART HURTS :(

HAHA SIGMA FUCK YOU CRY ABOUT IT

TEX NOOOOOO!!!!

I mean she had to go too ig

:(

CHURCH?

tex!!

OMFG HIM AND TEX HIM AND TEX

THEYRE TOGETHER AGAIN FINALLY

THEYRE TOGETHER AGAIN THEYRE TOGETHER AGAIN

THEM WALKING OFF IOSADJGOASDJG

LEANORD AND ALLISON FJVKGKKVKBKVKVLGPPFOG

TUCKER PLEASE BE OKAY OH MY GOD

HES OKAY THANK GOD

OH MY GOD

FUCK YEAH

they're back home:) I'm crying

"ow-sicka-ow-ow

Simmons I love you

Simmons I love you so much

but tucker is right dont ever do that agai

lmao kept asking if there were hot nurses I love you tucker

aw them reminiscing about tex and carolina handling it well!

CABOOSE DESTROYED IT

THERE THEY GO

ITS OVER

SHE SAID GOODBYE TO TEX

HE SAID GOODBYE TO CHURCH

NO

IM HURTING

it's over Lina is right

"the right part is the part that is the sad part"

me too buddy

lol wash breaking his leg, dumbass

doc being an actual medic? lets go lets go

OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK

HES BEEN IMAGINING DOC THIS WHOLE TIME?!?!?!

FUCK

HOLY FUCK

OH MY GOD

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

"is the floating eye in the room with us right now wash?"

OH SHIT WAIT

NORTH!!!!!

YORK!!!!

FLORIDA FLOWERS!!!1

CT!!!

MAINE!!!!!

I'm screaming I'm actually screaming

omfg it was all Carolina talking

her and wash having the sweetest moment

if they kiss I'm killing myself

"am I gonna be okay?"OIASJGIOSDJGIOSDAJGOIAS STOP BEING ME AGENT WASHINGTON

MY HEART BREAKS FOR HIM OASIDJGSDA

"were gonna be it together" they better be siblings or I'm killing myself

oh shit it's 9er!!!

OMFG ITS ONE LMAO

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA AND THE FUCKIN MUSIC TOO

lol ofc had an entire room full of shotguns

grif is gone now? :(

he's leaving I cant my heart hurts

omfg there they are

"hey Simmons"

"yeah?"

"did you ever figure it out?"

SCREAMING

GRIF YOURE GONNA MAKE ME CRY

FUCJ GRIF IS REALLY LEAVING

THERE HE GOES

FUCK THIS HURTS

MY HEARTBHURTS

lmao caboose screaming at him

"beat it!"

lmao I love them

he's apologizing for the shitty war lmao

HAHA THEY WERENT GOOD CABOOSE YOURE RIGHT

that's it

it's over

everything hurts

it WAS og sheila!! i wonder why she sounded so off to me

META WAS MILES LETS GOOOO good for hm!

the pictures of their old stuff too

I'm so fucjijg

jfjgkkg

ouchies

like can you not

SECRET ENDING AYO?!

"bow-chicka-bye-now!" TUCKER IM GOING TO KMS

(after a good sob-sesh lol)

now that i am semi-alive and semi-coherent, here are some (potentially) rational thoughts and feelings

wash's ptsd? FUCK dude. doc being a hallucination the whole fucking time?! FUCK dude. i, that hurt me so much, i'm fucking OWIES. as a ptsd-having bitch myself, uh, hey OUCH. carolina reminding him that the memories will live on, that it wasn't his fault, and it all manifesting in the old freelancers i'm gonna oijdgoidasjg i'm gonna kms i swear to god i swear to gOD this is it this is the last fucking straw

and SARGE

fucking SARGE

that was fucking awful

i loved it and i wanna kms

the way he died sacrificing himself for a fucking blue

the way he told simmons he was proud of him, told grif he never gave up on him even when grif himself had given up, giving SIMMONS HIS SHOTGUN.

man.

them burying him at blood gulch, simmons becoming team leader and having a badass moment only to be instantly cut down by the meta is both so silly and so fucking aosidgjdsoaigjd hhhhh

badass simmons supremacy

missing season 15 knife simmons right about now :((

and the fucking GRIMMONS

FUCK DUDE

simmons finally getting everything ready and in order for grif to be free

if you love something set them free or whatever

FUCK DUDE MY HEART HURTS SO MUCH

and the new va for caboose was trying his damndest and i'm so proud of him

and caboose bringing back TEX INSTEAD OF CHURCH BECAUSE HE KNEW THEY'D NEED HER?! AND TEX BEING RESURRECTED IN THE MEMORIES OF THE ONES WHO SAW HER AS BADASS INSTEAD OF A FAILURE?1 CHURCH AND TEX FINALLY GETTING THEIR HAPPY FUCKIGN ENDING?!!??!?!?!

im

thank you burnie for that one at least

you did angry mom and angry dad a service

tex just being forgotten, being fucked over, that was never satisfying to me, it always just hurt so much, i'm so glad they got the ending they deserved

i'm screaming

i'm gonna fucking cry

AND SO MANY FUCKING CALLBACKS TO SEASON 8, CUZ LIKE AFTER THAT I'M PRETTY SURE THAT'S WHEN BURNIE WASN'T WRITING IN THE FRONT SEAT ANYMORE

I'M ACTUALLY GONNA FUCKING OIADSJGOISDAJG

and poor wash, no wonder i felt so fucking sick to my stomach watching all of the scenes with him, just, the ptsd and everything like that FUCK dude

he just like me fr man :(

and can we talk about ADMIRAL DONUT?!

FUCKING ADMIRAL?! DONUT LET'S GO YOU'RE THE FUCKING BEST

and him appearing to simmons in his mind in a cheerleader fit was fucking phenomenal 10/10

everything feels so empty right now

fuck nothing has made me wonder 'why are we here?' more than this moment right now

my dread is gone, it's all over, we've reached the conclusion and i've seen it and i don't have to wait anxiously anymore

but everything hurts right now man :(

and the ending with wash and lina i genuinely could not tell if they were pushing romance or not

i think they were purposefully keeping it vague to keep shippers from going haywire, or maybe it was really just platonic sibling 'i'll be there for you' love

they are the siblings ever. of all time.

AND SIMMONS HAVING A DAMN GOOD THROWING ARM?! HELLO?!

WASHINGTON SAYING THAT WAS THE BEST THROW EVER OF ALL TIME?!

CABOOSE SYAING NOT MY FAULT SOMEONE PUT A WALL IN MY WAY?!

i'm

this is too much

idk i want him to sleep but i am so unwell right now i fucking dioajgoidsjgiodsjg

but tex and church got their ending and i'm gonna try to focus on that

plus, it's fictional, we can write all the fix-its or aus we want

i need to remember that

it's impactful to me, it's been my whole fucking life basically, but it's a story and i don't want to let myself suffer genuine consequences from stressing out over a story

it'll be okay

church and tex got their happy ending it HAS to be okay

aaaaand these were my brain-rot notes! lmao hope any of y'all enjoyed reading my reactions here to some scenes haha

[hopelesslyromanticshark]

Dearest covery. March 17th 2024

Hi covey!! Today’s letter is quite late honestly, but I come with another sick tip! : hot showers for stuffy nose! Blow your nose while in the hot shower, and literally everything will come out, it’s kinda gross honestly but works so well! Anywho today I went on the treadmill because my cramps were actually killing me😞 then I got to eat my favorite food!! Then at like 5pm I ate some apple slices with honey and cinnamon, Nara smith influenced me, they were DELISH.

Anywho how was your day? And are you feeling any better, hopefully you are!! I’d like to add that your Percy Jackson aquarium date headcannons were SO CUTE, had me giggling, kicking my feet, twirling my hair, blushing, jumping around, rolling back and forth in bed, literally everything! I love ittt!! It was the most adorable thing I’ve ever read!! Anywho that’s all for tonight, as always !! Stay healthy, safe, and hydrated!💞💗

Love always -🪷

(Hoping I put the date right this time cuz last time it was wonky so if it comes out wonky this time too I’ll bawl)

my lovely lotus anon!

im gonna have to try the nasty nose in the shower thing bc that is the only remaining part of my sickness lmao. bro today for lunch i had my all time fav of caesar salad with breaded chicken and it was so good. could cry thinking about it. i want it back from my stomach yall. i also love me some apple slices with honey so good

im having a great day, actually!! good fun day!! and im so glad everyone likes the percy jackson aquarium hcs, they're already getting so much love like what??? anyways, only the best of wishes to you!!

deepest of love,

covey

(ps the date is write but i have the terrible fortune of telling you, that you spelt my name wrong, but it's okay!!! still love ya!!)

[d4iryqueen]

update: my mom did in fact intervene in a way. she pointed out how skinny i got over 2 weeks (they were v stressful for my whole family, especially me n my mom and she knows abt my ed so she figured it out quickly). what happened is that i have noticed my bones sticking out more and abs showing (for the 1st time in my life!), but my weight stayed the same thoughout, so i thought im just unsure of what i actually look like and/or am imagining it because i wish i looked like that. but because she keeps on talking about how i look really thin and …unattractive (she fr still thinks eds develop bc people want to be skinny bc skinny=pretty????)…. i actually accepted that i really am that thin. that my ribs are actually showing. that my hip bones do in fact protrude from my pants. and i love it. however, as much as i adore this, it made me feel “safe” in my eating? idk… i had shitty ass sleep bc i felt quite sick after yesterdays dinner, i slept only for 4 hrs max which is v little for me. so i was extremely tired today, took a caffeine pill and drank an energy drink on an empty stomach in the morning and went to school. i kinda overdosed on the caffeine, yeah :/. but i ended up having a v successful day, i did more than i thought i’d be able to with how tired i was/am. soooo… i allowed myself to eat basically anything i want until im not hungry anymore. i didnt have a plan today bc i simply focused on not being extra tweaked out or passing out in school and was nauseous so i literally didnt think about food at all in that way.

to make this long story short : i ate 2085 calories worth of food that i didnt plan and im glad that i didnt binge, but also im shocked by how easily my behavior got influenced by someone i truly love and care about.

its not a bad thing and in the end, i cant be *always* in a deficit realistically, plus if im in a plateau maybe it’ll help? even if i would gain (which i truly dont think i will) then id still be skinny af. and … it feels quite good tbh. im proud of myself for getting here and actually recognising it (nothing hurts more than seeing pics of you at lw and remembering you used to believe you were too large), but im also not proud of myself for letting go today. extremely proud of myself for not even thinking about binging tho. like i just ate like a normal person for 1 meal (dinner, as lunch was high cal safe food combos, which still contained much more things and cals than what id allow myself on a normal day). im having mixed feelings. but im also content. tomorrow? who knows what approach ill take towards my diet. and idk how ill feel about today when tomorrow comes, either. but for now, i just want to sleep. im gonna maybe reblog a bit, but ultimately im gonna take a sleeping pill to finally slee through the whole night and r e s t my body cos i need it.

[prettyboykatsuki]

wait asks are open, and that reminded me I had something to say. I read your Isagi cucking Rin fic for the first time this morning and it literally made me sick and feel ill, you wrote that SO well.

Head fuzzy, Isagi orchestrating the whole thing to make them feel great while also making Rin feel out of his mind and powerless to the whole situation because he wants you to feel good, Rin struggling with how Isagi makes him feel and the awful feelings and emotions that he brings out of him, ough

anyways, it was incredible and I know it’s old but I read it for the first time and it made me sick to my stomach but it was so good, so thank you for the meal. always love the way you write Rin, but wow, that fic will be plaguing me for many days

oh my god??? u sent this ages ago?? i didn't even see it it was so buried in my asks im so sorry?? i try my best to respond to like . nice stuff i get on time but i didn't w this i am so sorry

ALSO PLEASE DONT EVER APOLOGIZE FOR READING AN 'OLD' WORK THAT FIC STILL COUNTS AS QUITE RECENT TO ME. im really glad that u could enjoy the power struggles and everything like that. i really enjoy writing three people dynamics and syngergy and i think putting rin thru things is sooo fun

im glad it made u sick and kind of icky!! like yes!! everything is fucked up !!! like consensual but horrible!!!! ough indeed. thank you so much for reading

[hjarnrota]

shin yttd? 👀

Sexuality Headcanon: woof i think hes bi but theres so much disdain for other people and fear, and self hatred. its not easy

Gender Headcanon: flip flopping between cis and trans man, or nonbinary trans masc.. no real preference tbf!

A ship I have with said character: i ship him with the guy from one of nankidais other mangas LOLLL.. he made sketches of them working together in retail and well it did push me to draw nsfw. shins absolutely abhorrent and embarrassing first time and then he quits working there, hoping he never gets to see him again

THIS GUUUUY

A BROTP I have with said character: toxic soushin friendship my beloved.. literally nothing better than a punching bag and the worst person you can imagine. just the aspect that out of sheer misfortune you end up with such a manipulative and violent person who ends up getting attached to you.. what a nightmare. at the same time shin is so utterly alone and desperate for human connection he cant bring himself to cut him off. love the horror of it all!

A NOTP I have with said character: im so sorry comrades i dont get shinalice

A random headcanon: literally so bad with headcanons, i can only come up with full on scenes fuuuck. think hiyori made a deal out of shin having a weak stomach and put the thought in his head that his parents must be so annoyed with him for having to cook extra, or having to resort to cooking bland meals all the time so their son wont get sick. shin already thinks of himself as a burden, but when he gets home after a long day with his bestie and sees his parents had a big fancy dinner w tons of leftovers for themselves he just feels worse

General Opinion over said character: thought he was so annoying throughout the whole game up until the end of the second trial. his attachments to kanna and how his plan all backfired, the tragedy… it did tug at my heartstrings 🙄 then midori gets introduced and im utterly obsessed with him because yippiee finally he gets some punishment. can say only through their dynamic i started having some sympathy for him

[h1mejoshi]

i love putting those shits in my nose its like AaaagHh i love the way they smell and feel to eb quite honest . i wanna drink that shit but my grabdma has been giving the drink version to my grandpa and uncle because The Whole House Is Sick and stuff . sniffle . even then being thsi sick is a good thing because i got to miss school today snd i will miss school again tomorHELP MY LEFT EAR ALSO HURTS SO BAD HELP ME HELP AAAAAAAGHH okay . anywyas i get to miss school tomorrow probably hooray ^_^ hey did you know tomorrow is probably iori's break . thought you should know that

not even gonan lie most of the shit i like eating ends up making my stomach experience hellish amounts of pain but to be quite honest i dont care . i be putting one thousand liters of salsa on everything and then carrying on with the consequences like a man (thid is not healthy at all Help Me

REALLLL REAL REAL i dont enjoy the smell That much but the feeling when i can actually breathe again is soooooooo so good ^_^ I DIDNT KNOW THERE WAS A DRINK VERISION? ive seen the candy ones and the uhhh . Vaporub . but never the drinks thats inchresting....

I WISH I COULD MISS SCHOOLAUGJGNHNHHHHHHHHHH i hope being able to miss school makes it just a teensy bit less :$(!($;$;9(73?3:&(9/))3; .👍

IORI BREAK HRGCJGFIUFFNOFU!:&(0($4$39;$\?3(@(?!FUCKKKKJK FUCK I NEED TO WATCH ALL THR NEW TRACJS I MISSED THIS IS THE ONLY OTHER BREAK IM EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN.

dude i think the salsa May or may not be contributing to the pain i dunno.....

[minkkumaz]

ANGSTY? im not ready. i cant imagine woonhak angst ill literally never be the same ever again,, but im sure you’ll end up writing the most sickening, sobbing, loosing my mind, heart & gut wrenching fics bonedo stans will ever read. (im still very excited)

ALSO WE NEEEED to discuss that broken hearted woonhak fic because GOSHH. that could be a whole series itself honestly. like woonhaks so sick of love and he doesn’t want anything to do with it (liar.)

stop because i have such a big heart for comfort fics, just thinking about how woonhak would open up to the reader very slowly, yet very meaningfully will make me SOBB. i feel like that trope is definitely meant for him.

IVE ALSO BEEN REALLLLLLLY WRECKED BY JAEHYUN RECENTLY. like sometimes i reread jaehyuns ver of the racecar driving au and its just EVERYTHING.

(ill never shutup abt how good ur fics r.)

-🍉

STOPP IM BLUSHING MELON!!! angst is quite literally my most favorite genre to read and write in the entire world so i will try very hard to deliver!

i'm not sure which works of mine you have read, but i have quite a handful of angst for bonedo already up! riwoo and leehans fics are my favorites <3 (but my woonhak 'the day i met you' series has some angst at the end hehe)

AND YES! im definitely gonna put that in my drafts bc its too good to miss out on like it needs to be elaborated😮‍💨 PROBABLY NOT AS A SERIES BUT A LONG ONESHOT ><

comfort with woonhak would make me scream hes definitely not the greatest at opening up (that teenage angst LMAO) so when he does its just </3

and omg stop u reread my stuff you're such a cutie i cant. jae was originally my wrecker but riwoo doing the bare minimum made my stomach do backflips ><