#I really feel like I should add some tags so people can avoid disgusting flesh stuff but I have no idea which tags that would be

[janamensch]

Look, sometimes you just have to summon a disgusting little flesh throne to deliver your evil little villain monologue, it’s okay

[life-rewritten]

True Beauty; Problematic Bullies and Strained Friendships

Can I just say that these two episodes of true beauty have left me again with so much anger and disappointment? I've just spent the last 30 minutes sighing and shaking my head and cursing some of these stupid, frustrating characters. Now it's not even Soojin I'm cursing surprisingly, I have a different bone to pick with her, and a different perspective, but it's everyone in that stupid school, society, just everyone who switched at the end of episode 12. Now I did see it coming, but the fact that it's the same video of Kyung being treated like an animal that is what got them to switch without any morals or understanding, or pity, is so disgusting to me. I'm left cursing all the people who were Kyung's friend, who supported her and then just left her by her self to deal with this because of pettiness and anger that she lied to them. Make it make sense. The characters in this show sometimes act like one-dimensional puppets just doing whatever is the status quo, robotically seeing someone as of less worth because of their looks, feeling cheated for no reason (like she's not even friends with some of these people) because someone 'ugly' is hiding behind makeup, like what? It doesn't add up. Anyway apart from the focus on bullying which I will be breaking down more, I'm glad to see the tag and social media is less focused on the love triangle and more understanding about Suho now, I mean why not, he's a good boyfriend, but what I actually wanted to praise was the depiction of friendship with Suho, Seyeon and Seojun, and Suho and Seojun's journey in reuniting their bond again. It made me cry a few times, and it was very heartwarming. But it's just depleting my energy, even more, when I have to contrast it with Soojin's downfall. Sigh what a depressing reveal as a villain. Anyway, I have a lot of thoughts so let's get to it.

THE PROBLEM WITH BULLYING

What I like about True Beauty is that it does these interesting foreshadows/mirroring to certain situations that the audience will soon see show up. In episode 11, Suho is broken down and haunted by the reveal of what happened to his best friend however the show fleshes out and gives us more information, and depth to Seyeon as a character and the intense friendship between the three boys. At first, I wondered where this flashback would lead us to; however, I started to notice the similarities, the foreboding trajectory of Kyung's storyline in episode 11/12 to Seyeon's own betrayal and downfall.

Seyeon's story of how he became framed by his bullies once they discovered he was famous is so startling and similar to how JK's ruin takes place. She got immensely known and was put in the spotlight, and then because of a bully and someone she calls a friend; she was also framed differently as being someone who she isn't. The same reasons why Seyeon was attacked was because he lied about who he was, he had a lot of people who loved and admired him, and his reveal betrayed them, he was set up because of coldness, callousness and manipulation. This is the same with Kyung by the end of episode 12.

Let's talk about how True Beauty shows bullying as a focus; We have different characters that are connected, affected and pushed to the brink because of bullying. We also have the bullies some surprising; some just disgusting and frustrating, but also society plays a role in this bullying as well. Let's look at the characters:

Seyeon: Framed and Misunderstood 

First of all, it's heartbreaking to know more about what happened to Seyeon in the past, and it's even painful to know his story ended. From what I'm getting from his life story, Seyeon was quiet, shy, introverted but I think he also was a bully victim. He changed his name to Seyeon when he moved and found Suho and Seojun, and because of them, he learnt to fall more in love with his passion; music. (This is so eerily similar to Kyung changing her past, also finding her own passion and happiness which is makeup). Now he felt alone all his life before this because he was getting bullied and finally he got his debut as a star, and he managed to become more confident, successful and happy.

The problem is his bullies weren't letting go (like the frustrating harpies of Park Se Mi), they decided to make his life hell, so they posted a rumour, that Seyeon wasn't who he said he was (which might be true, he changed his identity probably to run away from the past) but they also made up more about him, they framed him instead as the bullies, and they twisted his story. Because of their actions, and Seoyeon feeling like his past was brought back, when he ran to Suho to ask for help, he felt like Suho believed the news and broke down in despair by himself in anxiety, probably PTSD and depression and he took his life.

Now let's pause there for a minute because we now know how this affected Suho significantly, but this is how True Beauty emphasises the amount of pain, suffering and anxiety Kyung ends up in, in episode 12. The same heartbreak, the same fear, the same worries, and the same comments and people dragging her down because of her looks. Now with Seyeon, as much as I hate cancelling nature, and social media bullying, the reveal that he was a bully, despite it not being real, I can understand some of the reactions people would have against him because as we're seeing, bullies in Korean Culture aren't cute, they're worse than other bullies, they drive people to take their lives with the extent of physical, emotional and psychological harm they inflict on someone. People thinking Seyeon was one of those people is quite shocking and should be called out; however compare this to Kyung's own situation.

Whilst Seyeon was being attacked for a valid reason from society, Kyung was being attacked for being ugly. Like compare causing harm to people by psychologically and emotionally abusing them to not having the perfect face structure, having acne because you were born that way, like compare that to what Seyeon was being blamed for. Does that make sense? And the frustrating thing about it is Kyung has a right to hide if she wants to under makeup, it's not like people have really given her a choice to avoid taking things this way. The upsetting thing about this is it's not just a picture of Kyung's face that is causing this uproar of feeling betrayed. It's not a picture where she seems happy and safe, and her life is unbothered by these things she has to hide. But it's a video of her being treated as less than a human, a video where she is being taunted and spoken to vilely, a video where she's having trash tossed on her, and she's breaking down psychologically and emotionally. A video where she's genuinely being denounced for being born.

It's unsettling. And it's ironic because Seyeon was being attacked and talked about by righteous teens about bullying and being woke about people who do this, but really society just stands by idly and judge someone because they're ugly. Being ugly is apparently enough reason for why bullying is okay, it's enough because she apparently shouldn't be allowed to live her life how she wants, it's so sick, they'd throw pitchforks at Seyeon for being the bully of people but also turn a blind eye and join in with bullying a girl because she doesn't fit their natural standards of beauty? It's sick.  It's unsettling, and it calls out the hypocrisy of people, people who just want to see people lower than them suffer. What gives them the right to speak about Kyung this way? What makes them superior to her? Because they're pretty? Because they don't have acne? Like what is the problem? Why are they so butthurt by her hiding her face with makeup and looking good. I just don't understand it. I'm very emotional about this as you can tell, so I'm going to have to move on, I just wanted the parallel of Seyeon and Kyung's storyline to be noticed.

Kyung; Ignored and Betrayed

Let's focus on Kyung in episode 11/12. She goes through her normal anxiety and worries, and at first, she doesn't communicate her fears to Suho. But I have to say that Kyung was starting to realise that she couldn't be paralysed by her PTSD. Actually, she bravely goes to Soojin to confess about Suho which I was so proud of her for, but she also goes back to save Hyemi from her bullies despite her anxiety and worry she'll get found out. Her concern was valid, stopping Semi was going to put a target on her back, and also Hyemi betrayed her before, so she has every right to feel some kind of way towards her. However, despite that, Kyung stood up for someone else in her position again. And it's something that I love about her, and I think she'll probably find her dream job doing, later on, we've seen her do this with Gowoon and help her come of her anxiety and depression and put makeup on her to get confidence and sing in front of people.

We saw her protect Hyemi this episode; I'm sure that's what she'll do in the future is help girls like her who feel the same broken, fear, and pain at how they were born. She'll be someone who stands up and helps them regain their confidence like Selena did for her. It's really inspiring and wonderful to see her find that passion slowly and make her dreams come true in that way. Kyung helping Hyemi shows her character, and she could have been like these slimy people and try and get revenge or be annoyed at her forever, but she just walks away and lets her be and prevents her from ending up in the same state she was in, in episode 1.  The sad, painful truth is Kyung has been proven right, why she was so afraid to trust people, to tell people about who she really was, why she struggled with trusting Suho with the information, people are fickle, and they switch based on shallow things, like appearance, popularity, money etc. Kyung's friends proved to her that she was right to not trust them with it, even Soojin who was meant to be her helping hand sat there (I mean she's the person who caused it) but she sat there and watched Kyung deal with her break down. It's just so messed up.

Hyemi; Forced and Tormented

Speaking of Hyemi, Hyemi also showed the same reasons for why Kyung has been so scared and worried about everything; these bullies are so weird, they make it their life goal to keep someone as their victim under this messed up of form of slavery and ownership. Hyemi ran away after feeling guilty of what happened to Kyung, she reported Semi and her harpies and tried to restart her life. Like Kyung, however, she got caught immediately, and we see what would have happened if Kyung hadn't leaned in heavily to makeup at the start. She won't be able even to walk the streets without those bullies finding her and getting her back under their abuse. And it's so disgusting. Semi is so worrying as a person; sometimes I feel like she deserves jail for all the pain she causes to people. She takes pleasure in breaking people down because she's afraid they'd take away her spotlight? I don't really understand this type of need for power, but it's disgusting. As much as Hyemi disappointed me in episode 1, she has no choice like Kyung but to betray her friend because it's soul-crushing the type of bullying, her and Kyung go through because of these girls. She has no choice in the matter because even when she tries to do good, they find her and they make her life even more hellish, and because she's 'ugly' as people keep saying, no one helps her, like with Kyung. They sit by and watch and say she deserves it. And the one person who does help every time has also been transformed because of her own bullying situation. And it's again heartbreaking.

Soojin; Regressed and Transformed

So remember how I said that Soojin is not who I'm cursing by the end of this episode. I'm so angry and upset at her; I was also disappointed with the writing because it's basic and I detest girl hate. Soojin's character has now been ruined officially; there's no way she can come back from her actions this episode. She's become essentially like Semi, and it's painful to watch. First of all, she tried to pretend things were okay in episode 11, she did try, but her feelings and her reliance on Suho was more critical, and as much as I hate her, I can understand her desperation.

Suho is the only person who knows and can help her with her own bullying situation. She's being even more bullied harshly by her own father, she's also being psychologically, emotionally and physically tormented and she can't escape this person. It's haunting. And it's heartbreaking because she doesn't truly have friends (apart from Kyung) because she's always the one people rely on (like Suho), she's put in this state of always being the person who defends, and fights, and protects and does what's right. Her life is seen as privileged, and great, and wealthy, and she has everything even the looks that Kyung desperately suffers because of. She's always had to rely on her strength and her self and her brains, but when she's broken and exhausted and needs someone to run to; Suho was that person, and now Kyung was making Suho not be able to be that person.

Her mindset is ruined because she can't find anyone else to turn to, her father is just as influential as Suho's father and the school won't protect her from him and need her good grades to stay with the reputation they seek, no adult can defeat her father, and so she's stuck. It's so worrying, watching her run into her room and she couldn't escape him because he was pounding on the door determined to enter and hit her more. And her mother is spineless and lets it happen, so Soojin is the most broken character and the most alone out of everyone in the show. Kyung is going through a lot of trauma, and her situation is so messed up but Kyung at the end of the day has Suho, she has Seojun as well, though she doesn't know the extent, she has her family even though her mum is not the best, she has her dad, her sister etc. Soojin has no one to run to. Kyung can't do anything to help her with the situation, and Kyung is taking away the one thing that probably could help her in her opinion.

Everyone is quick to hate and judge Soojin but her character arc makes sense because at the end of the day there is really no other place to run to, to avoid regressing into self-harm (washing her hands till they bleed and crack) but to put that pain on others, to feel resentment, jealousy, anger and desperation to get rid of an obstacle. Sadly, she had to endure this torment and become a shell of her self because she's now going to take it too far and it won't be forgivable if she keeps on making Kyung feel like she shouldn't be alive. It won't be right no matter what. And we see how far she can go by her actions in episode 12. She may be the typical second lead female we wanted her not to be, but she's written well, and her trajectory makes sense. I just hope she reforms before it's too late.

So bullying is a big deal in True Beauty, it's what's really causing all our characters to spiral into the trauma and pain they are in. Suho and Seojun may not be bullied, but they're co-products of it, by losing Seyeon they also had to suffer because of what bullying does. In a world where the adults aren't truly dependable, are more distracted by the need for reputation, status and fame, and act inhumanely when it comes to the suffering of these teens, who could really help our characters? They're all going through their pain and trauma alone and being pushed to the point of seeing life as futile and empty. Everyone in true beauty is a victim of this callous society and adults. And it's unsettling.

THE FRIENDSHIPS THAT WERE STRAINED

But this post is also about friendship. One thing that also was mirrored was the importance of friendship; if the teens all join together to protect their peers, if they all show unity and love and understanding to someone, they could save a life. Friendship apart from Kyung's was really great to see. However, there was a parallel with Suho and Seojun and Kyung and Soojin. I also wanted to say the annoying implications that women friendships have to always to be this way is frustrating; women aren't always conniving and manipulative and fickle when it comes to love, it's sad to see Suho and Seojun discuss so happily and calmly about liking the same girl and in the same episode watch Kyung break down and be brutally betrayed because Soojin liked the same guy as her. Like what message are you putting out? More on the bromance of Seojun, Suho and Seyeon. I find it fascinating because for so long, I wondered why this friendship was so important, like why these three are so tied to each other. But after episode 11 to 12, it's obvious. Like I said these three had had their own volatile situations that made them feel all alone and empty even Seojun actually and finding each other was what ignited their passion for life and brought them happiness and joy. Let me explain more in each character's pov.

Suho; Neglected and Withdrawn

Suho had struggled with a father figure and resentment at the whole world, he had to become self-providing basically and had no emotional support. It's so lonely to hear him talk about how alone he was from a very young age, his father was already distant from him (neglectful probably couldn't handle the mother's death but he also was cheating, so it's a bit ironic), he had no one to live with, and he had to take care of himself alone. But also there was resentment for his father because of the paparazzi tormenting him when he was younger, he felt suffocated by the reputation, popularity and status of his father and his father wasn't there to help him with that. You could say it's because Suho pushed him away, but no it's still a duty as a father to fight to come in and spend time with your son, to ask how he's doing, to check in on him in his house like how has he never once tried to force Suho to spend time with him and communicate their differences? Sigh.

So anyway the reason why Suho needed Seyeon and Seojun is because it was the first time he had people to run to and talk to, and it ignited this passion in him to do something he loves. Music. It's actually depressing when we see his phone in episode 12, he has no contacts apart from Kyung, his father, and maybe the high school guy—like Suho had no one for a long time until he met Kyung again.  But we also see his transformation in this episode, because he's more animated, lively, happy because yes Kyung and him are in love but also because Seojun is back into his life. Seojun and him basically reunite. Despite teasing and acting gruff and emotionless with each other, (because they've been separated for a while) they finally have each other again, they're still close. They still care for each other immensely; they're each others priority. And it's so sweet to watch despite the one painful thing about Seojun having feelings for Kyung.  But even then Seojun staying over at Suho's house and them laughing, and fighting and acting up, even Kyung noticed how different Suho had become. And I don't know it just made my heart warm. So that's what friendship was for Suho, he had two people who he was devoted to, who made him want to have something in life and be trusting again of people. They cared for him and nurtured him in their own way and helped him feel not alone. So congrats to Suho and Seojun reuniting.

Seojun; Responsibility and Pressure

  And now Seojun is a fascinating character. I tend to avoid analysing him because he's always happy, has a comfortable lifestyle; good friends, a good mum, a sister who cares about so much, etc. His life apart from the angst with Seyeon is so problem-free. He doesn't need to be jealous or sad, or traumatised because he's in a suitable environment mentally and he also is a good person. But let's go back to the past before Seyeon's demise. Seojun probably also felt alone and empty. Let me explain Seojun mentions that he used to envy Suho because of his wealth, his father in his life and his reputation. This makes us realise what Seojun thought he lacked, he apparently struggled a bit with poverty and not always having everything; he also didn't have a father figure in his life. In fact, we praise how good he is as a son, but it must have been so difficult to become the responsible man of the house as we put it when he was younger, one he had to worry about his mum's health, and take care and provide for her, two, he had to take care and protect his sister hence why he's so protective, he had a lot of responsibility on his shoulders to deal with.

And I think the one time he felt free and happy at first was probably when he made music with Suho and Seyeon. Because he doesn't have to think about responsibilities, or how to help his mum and more, so that's probably what he gained from their friendship a place to just be a teen and have fun. Obviously it's revealed, Suho helped his mom when she was ill, and that was heartwarming again to find out because these three were so protective and caring for each other, so loyal and bonded, and I think it's precious to see that. Obviously, after Seyeon's downfall, Seojun was resentful, angry and frustrated and he joined his gang of new friends, and they're so sweet, and just as devoted to him, it also made him more rebellious and more prone to fights because he had anger to let out but also his mum started to get better, so he was still frustrated and depressed about the circumstances but he had somewhere else to fall on, his new friends and his taking his anger out when he could. The only thing that probably was very hurtful more than just Seyeon was choosing to give on his dreams for music. However now he and Suho have reunited I think his music will come back, that passion is between him and Suho, and it's their dream.

Seyeon; Alone and Afraid

And well from my analysis you know what these two meant to Seoyeon, his letter is so heartbreaking and also beautiful because like they were all he had. And they just helped him find that confidence, that passion for life and companionship that he needed. And it's so sad he's not still with them. However Seyeon was truly a victim, and because of his influence on both Suho and Seojun, it's why they'd be able to help Kyung deal with everything she has to deal with in the next episodes. Because of Seoyeon, and also because his sister is the same as Kyung, Seojun is very protective and determined to prevent more losses in his life. Suho was at the rooftop and helped Kyung, stayed by her side and understood her when she had no one else making her feel loved for who she was because of Seyeon's effect on him. He also was determined not to have someone else end up in that situation. Because of this, they both will be able to help her get through it, and that's why I'm not as frightened or worried about her because she has these two great guys who won't stand back and let her do this on her own.

As much as true beauty is about a love triangle  between these three, it's also a really touching friendship between all of them. Kyung becomes like the weird replacement (not really) for Seyoeon because she brings back that passion and zeal into these two's lives, and she provides a companionship to them that is different from others, they also do the same for her. So I'm delighted despite the heartbreaks and loss that they found each other, I'm glad they're friends at the end of the day, they care about each other a lot, and even if Seojun somehow ends up the third wheel and the one that's left out a bit, I'm glad that his friendship with Kyung and Suho is still more important to him than vindictiveness or jealousy. Then again, like I said Seojun compared to Soojin is in a different headspace, environment and has more from life than she does. Her mistakes and her betrayal hurts, but it makes sense, I just hope she grows and changes before it's too late. I hope she finds love, peace and happiness someday. Everyone deserves that.

[verobatto]

Destiel Chronicles

Vol. LXXXVIII

It was a love story from the very beginning.

The Empty is Coming (Part. II)

(12x18)

Hello dears! How are you feeling for tonight's episode? I'm not ready...

Okay, i had to make a whole meta for this episode for the huge symbolism related to Sacrifice and the Empty.

Castiel walking on the Empty, a prelude...

When episode 12x18 starts, we have another dar forest, representing the Empty, and a young guy named Jorred walking on it...

If you pay attention, he wears a brown coat, blue pants. Is a blatant Cas' mirror, and the obscurity surrounding him, symbolizes the Empty.

Jorred gets trapped and then dies.

Where's Cas? Is reaching a high level of worrisome

Dean tries to call Cas but... He can't. So, all theses days he didn't have news about the angel and he is reaching high levels of worrisome.

I wrote an entire meta about this episode time ago, I don't want to be repetitive, so i will be quoting here things I already put in that meta. You can find the analysis here.

DEAN: Come on. Cas, it's me. I've been trying to get ahold of you for days. I don't know what's going on, but we got a line on Dagon...And we got our asses handed to us, even with the Colt. So...Could really use the backup. Call me back.

Dean is mad at Cas, first because he is pointing at he have been days trying to get ahold of him (remember Dean praying to him every night in Purgatory?) and then he is mad because he doesn't know what's going on with Cas. So basically, he is mad because Cas is not calling. Is not giving living signals.

SAM: So no luck with Cas, huh?

DEAN: Yeah, still AWOL.

SAM: All right, so let's find him.

DEAN: I've been trying, Sam. The GPS on his phone is turned off, and there's nothing in the system about some weird guy in a trench coat getting arrested or turning up dead.

This is the thing here, he reveals another details of why he is mad and worried, because Cas turn his GPS off! That means that maybe he doesn't want th to find him. And then, Dean is saying HE SEARCHED FOR HIM IN HOSPITALS AND POLICE INFO LIKE? Yeah... A little kind of desperate.

And if you pay attention bro the pic, you wikl find how worried is Sam watching his brother in that shape.

SAM: Right. Dean, it's Cas. I mean, this isn't the first time he's dropped off the map, you know? And whatever's happening, he'll be fine. He always is.

DEAN: Yeah.

This scene is very rich in body language. Also Sam assuming Cas will always be fine, is like settling the idea that something could take them by surprise anytime about the angel.

But watch Dean here while Sam tries to comfort his brother...

I will quote here what I wrote in my meta about this episode:

"Priceless... Avoiding Sam's eyes, looking to a side, dimples of discontent, that sniffing is like... He is so mad... He just can't stand it. Can't stand CAS not answering his phone calls, not being there for weeks. Not knowing if he is dead or alive. Makes feel so uneasy, he can't control what he is feeling... He is mad, but worried at the same time."

How do I fill this emptiness?

Not being able to have any hint of Cas, and feeling he was being rejected by him, the unrequited love idea hits Dean again.

Is big, cold, hole inside of him, and it needs to be filled immediately. And what Dean does, which will be the last time he does it? He hooks up with random waitress. Why? Well. I will quote here again my insights from the other meta.

"... and I know the fandom had pointed the "Castiel coded coat" this waitress is wearing... Like... "YEAH I'M JUST AN ASSHOLE FOR BEING IN LOVE WITH MY BEST MALE FRIEND WHO WILL NEVER LOVE ME BACK, HE ABANDONED ME AND DOESN'T' GIVE A FUCK IF I'M WORRIED OR NOT. LET'S JUST HOOK UP WITH RANDOM WAITRESS HERE AND HEY! THAT COAT REMINDS ME TO CAS DAMN!"

I want to add the waitress is not just dressed with the coat but with a pink dress too. The pink color will be very called in the incoming seasons. Is a symbolism of happiness. Related to Castiel's deal with the Empty made in season 14, and the ultimate Sacrifice for love and Castiel's love confession in season 15. But in this case, it talks about Dean. Dean's happiness is Cas and viceversa.

Another thing Dean did in this episode to fill the emptiness of his Unrequited Love was eating too much. As he always does. It maybe wouldn't caught our attention if Sam wouldn't watched him with disgust and scolding face.

Sheriff Barret Bishop and the Black Bill legend. (Cas and Empty mirrors)

Look how Sam describes the legend of Black Bill at first:

SAM: And when the fun was over, the satyr would, "feast upon the flesh of his victims until his belly was full to bursting with their moist, slippery meat."

I find this very interesting, because he talks about a party, something they celebrate (an orgy) that could be related with lust, the thing that will taken as a forbidden feelings in Castiel's POV in episode 14x15. And the punishment is became the monster's food. But but, is not the first time we see a monster feeding of people or energy in legends. In episode 14x17, the one that gave me the spec about Dean rescuing Castiel from the Empty, they talk too about this legend and how the mosntrrs feed from his prays. So, is this the Empty's story then? Is he feeding with energy from dead angels and dead demons? Hahaha just a few days and we will know.

Then, Castiel's mirror trying to do his best to change things, but by himself.

Sheriff Bishop: Moloch used his power to make us rich. After my father died in '97, I put a stop to all of that. Look, I couldn't...I never killed anybody. I just wanted to help people to make up for all the bad we've done. I wanted... To leave a legacy. - I kept him locked up. Hoped he'd starve to death.

Okay, this is kind of the idea of what Chuck did with the Empty. The thing is... The monster scapes.

And then we have the Sheriff saying "It was on him"

Sheriff Bishop: You should go.

SAM: No, sheriff, uh, we can help clean up.

Sheriff Bishop: No. This...I'll take care of it. It's on me. This? This is my legacy.

Again a Cas mirror doing the dirty work. It's on me. Is the same thought in Castiel's mind, and we will see it in the next episode.

Winchester's legacy:

SAM: But the people we saved, they're our legacy. And they'll remember us and then I guess...We'll eventually fade away, too. That's fine, because we left the world better than we found it, you know.

DEAN: I wonder what's gonna happen to this place. After we're gone, you think some hunter'll move in, keep fightin' the fight?

SAM: Yeah, I hope so.

DEAN: Yeah. Me, too.

Dean gets out his knife from his pocket.

SAM: What are you doin'?

DEAN: Leaving our mark. Here.

This is a parallel to 15x19, the fake bro ending. The dialogue is also a representation of THE FAMILY BUSINESS.

But you know what they did in 15x19, they carved Cas and Jack names too.

And you know what happened in episode 12x19: THE MIXTAPE OR THE WAY DEAN USED TO EXPRESS HIS ROMANTIC FEELINGS FOR CAS. So, this is another clue for us to think Cas will come back after bro only ending to hear Dean's true love confession. (I'm talking about tonight's episode.)

To Conclude:

More than another foreshadow of the Empty and Castiel's dead, we had once more Dean Winchester's unrequited love inner fight.

This is another proof Dean feels the same way as Castiel. He really feels his love is Unrequited and he will never be able to have Cas in the way he wants.

Even with Castiel's speech in the barn in 12x10, giving Dean some hopes and gifting him with the Mixtape, as a representan of his romantic love for him, Dean is facing now that maybe that confession was totally platonic. And it hurst him. That's why he behaves by trying to fill that empty with sex and food.

But it won't go away until both men complete their love circle.

Hope you like this, see you in the next one!

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LXXV, LXXVI, LXXVII, LXXVIII, LXXIX, LXXX, LXXXI, LXXXII, LXXXIII, LXXXIV, LXXXV, LXXXVI, LXXXVII.

Buenos Aires, November 14th 2020, 10:30 PM

[americankimchi]

ok and I GET the concept of attachments leading to vulnerability and therefore weakness but to impose that on a CHILD who so desperately needs a family, someone he could bond with, its honestly tragic. and since qui gon isnt there to do it anymore it falls on obi wan, whos basically a kid himself, whos dealt with rejection his whole life, and how can you expect him to provide anything, much less mentor a padawan?? idk i just have so many FEELINGS abt this and can’t put it into proper words lol

okay you know what i think that’s on qui gon because why!!! would you make the decision to rip a child away from his home like that so quickly!!! i get that they were making a movie and thus needed to speed things along for pacing reasons but COME ONNNNN

i feel like if it wasn’t restricted for movie reasons it would have gone down very differently. difference being: hey, maybe we don’t rip anakin away from his mom and leave not only his mom still in slavery but also punt a tiny child directly into a warzone.

hear me out

so assuming qui gon decides not to take anakin with him (at that moment in time because anakin is still going to be heading to the order just in a more meticulous fashion) right after meeting the skywalkers on tattooine, he still needs to get off planet. so he does the whole race thing yadda yadda he gets the engine and they take off

so here’s where it diverges: anakin stays on tattooine and never goes to naboo.

(bro this got so long i had to put it under a cut omfg)

but cindy!! you might say, leaving anakin on tattoine??? stuck in slavery??? how could you!!!

YES, but this is a temporary thing, just stay with me for a second

padme disagrees but relents because qui gon says he’ll come back for the boy when he’s not, you know, neck deep in the middle of tense wartime negotiations that could trigger a full scale onslaught at any moment. that’s no place to bring a small child into no matter how powerful in the force he is.

qui gon heads back to the council, gives his report, and then mentions anakin. mentions his fuckin. midichlorian count. which is still so ridiculous to me oh my god the midichlorian is the powerhouse of the force i GUESS

anyways

the council still disapproves, but qui gon makes the case that even if they don’t believe him about the chosen one thing it’s still dangerous to leave such a powerful force user out there untrained and vulnerable to the stresses and traumas of slavery. what if he turns to the dark side??? he’ll have ample reasons to if he’s stuck there, and the amount of destruction he could unleash by being untrained and powerful is unspeakable!! qui gon, being the master diplomat he is, even if he is constantly butting heads with the council, could probably convince them of the importance of at least meeting the child. hell, it’s not as if they haven’t broken people free from slavery before it’s honestly jedi basic training at this point

so the council agrees on the condition that qui gon is not allowed to personally mentor the boy because as it stands now he’s too close to the situation, too eager which honestly??? might have been a good chunk of the reason why the council was so against it in the first place. qui gon pushed for it too hard and for no real solid reason. and for fuck’s sake qui gon your padawan is right there

obi wan, awkwardly shuffling on his feet like..... yeah i’m here too master

SPEAKING OF OBI WAN

imagine how gutting it must be to hear that your master wants to get rid of you for the newer, younger model. like at this point obi wan is so used to this shit. abandonment? by qui gon??? it’s more likely than you think,

and obi wan’s ALLL ready to be like “yeah okay. i’ll just. go over here then i guess. fuck me for thinking that you respected me as a person or anything lmao right”

and qui gon’s just “ah fuck. i can’t believe i’ve done this”

anyways hand waves qui gon explaining his reasoning to obi wan and saying that he just wants to ensure that the boy gets the training he needs and obi wan understanding but asking if he really thinks he’s ready to be a knight genuinely or if he’s just saying that to get him out of the way and wow that thought actually hurt a bit lol!!! no problem though qui gon whatever you want haha i’ll just... be in pain. over here. ((:

and qui gon being like, “honestly obi wan the only reason you’re not actually knighted is because i cherish your companionship and i don’t want to let you go” because ANAKIN ISN’T THE ONLY ONE WITH ATTACHMENT ISSUES CASE IN POINT: MY MANS JINN

let’s be honest obi wan could’ve been knighted ages ago. the only reason he hasn’t been is because the master dictates when that step should be taken and qui gon wasn’t ready to let his surrogate son go.

anyways RECONCILIATION WHOO kicks that insecurity off of obi wan’s already weary shoulders because that gnarly bit of tension could’ve been avoided so easily with just a simple conversation!! wow!!! communication can do wondrous things who! would! have! known!!!!!

anyways

they get to naboo. how do they beat the trade federation without anakin? the force works in mysterious ways alright it happens they win boom.

now, onto qui gon. in this au qui gon lives because of that healthy bit of communication up there that went down. see that conversation? where they affirm how important they (qui gon and obi wan) are to each other? and how that bond was repaired and confirmed between their leaving coruscant and fighting maul on naboo and thus their harmonious fighting wasn’t impaired by that underlying resentment and betrayal and tension??? TELLING YOUR KIDS THAT YOU LOVE AND RESPECT THEM CAN DO AMAZING THINGS WITH YOUR ABILITY TO COORDINATE WITH THEM IN THE FIELD IMAGINE THAT

coughs

so they fight maul and maul gets turned into maul 1 and maul 2 and qui gon almost gets got but is saved just in time by his padawan who is!! right there with him!!! because qui gon WAITS 5 SECONDS FOR HIM TO CATCH UP so they can F I G H T  T O G E T H E R. qui gon has a permanent limp and an ache in his spine that never really goes away but he’s ALIVE TO SEE THE NEXT SUNRISE BABEY

celebrations happen. and the most important bit of all here: palpatine never meets anakin on naboo.

why would he? anakin’s not fuckin there mate!!! maul wouldn’t even know anything about anakin because qui gon never bothered to take him with them to coruscant and maul was chasing the delegation from naboo, not going hunting for babies in the tatooinian sands

/kicks the palpatine was anakin’s experimental force daddy theory to the curb because. i don’t like it that’s why. suck it dickpatine.

ANAKIN NEVER MEETS PALPATINE!! ripples in the fucking pond babey

qui gon and obi wan ask a boon of padme, that boon being “hey can you give us truly disgusting amounts of money so we can go free those delightful people we had to leave behind on tatooine due to the fact that we were on a time crunch and also ripping people away from a familiar environment without a stable plan of action to provide them a better quality of life is actually called, as the professionals say, a dick move.”

and padme’s like “um fuck yeah here’s some cash let me know how this goes and give anakin and shmi my love”

SO OFF THEY GO TO TATOOINE TO FREE THE SKYWALKERS. shmi tags along to the temple because why wouldn’t she. she wants to see where her son is going to be going. she also pesters qui gon and obi wan constantly about the order and its philosophies and etc. etc. and subsequently gets a crash course in jedi doctrine that anakin also gets to sit in on and you know, educate himself on.

“we want you to know that being a jedi is a choice. being a jedi is a religion unto itself.” they say

“but it’s a set of philosophies that are meant to at its core help others live happy and free lives?” anakin (and shmi) ask

“that’s a very very very large generalization but i guess for the purposes of this conversation that could be seen as true. from a certain point of view,” they respond. qui gon then lets obi wan loose on his musings about the code because the code is simple, and complex in its simplicity, and how the beliefs of the jedi should be taken very seriously because it reflects their connection to the force and by extension the world around them etc. etc.

anakin makes it to the temple. anakin knows (at least a little) what it means to be a jedi. it’s not all light sabers and noble battles and fighting the good fight. it’s about sacrifice and humility and nobility and above all kindness and empathy and loving all things, great and small, and not letting your personal hatreds cloud your judgement even if it takes all your strength to do so

and most importantly to anakin: no attachments.

and that’s what anakin struggles with the most. that never changes. but this time shmi is there to explain it to him, and coming from shmi, the most important person in the world, makes it stick

“it doesn’t mean you love me less,” shmi explains. “it just means you don’t love everyone else less because you love me. it means not loving me to the exclusion of all else. it means love, but for everyone. for everything.”

and then the two jedi reaffirm that it’s a choice. it’s always about choice. you can’t be a jedi without choosing to be one, it’s not something that can be forced. either you believe in the lifestyle, or you don’t. simple as that.

“can i leave if i want to” anakin asks.

“yes. of course you can, any time.” qui gon responds.

“not sure why you would want to though, being a jedi is kind of super cool” obi wan adds, with a wink.

but anakin isn’t a jedi yet. he’s not even an initiate. he doesn’t want to leave his mom, not until he knows she’s safe. he wants to be a jedi he burns with the need to be a jedi, but he’s not sure if he can be a jedi. not the way that was explained to him anyways. but that’s okay because he has the time to decide!!! there are no sith lords breathing down his neck!!! he has two (2) in the flesh examples of what jedi can do, what jedi are, what they can accomplish in the world!!! most of all he has his mother there, supporting him either way!!!

maybe he does go into the order. maybe he does ultimately choose that life for himself. maybe he does manage to untangle himself from the snarls of attachment and apply himself wholeheartedly to the ways of the jedi. he might even succeed this time since palpatine has no fucking CLUE anakin’s even there!!! he’s not nine years old and freshly braided and attached at the hip to a mourning brand new knight, he’s nine years old and trying to figure out how the fuck you levitate off the ground with your legs crossed under you while his crechemates balance things onto his nose!!!

and you know what!! maybe he chooses to leave the order because it’s not for him, but this time he’s got enough stability in his life, in the way that he manages and examines his feelings, that he’s not a threat to himself and those he loves. maybe he becomes a mechanic and lives a nice, simple life with his aging mother and becomes penpals with a pretty girl from naboo. WHO KNOWWWSSS

and that’s important for anakin: knowing that it’s always a choice always his choice and that he never has to have anyone tell him who he can and cannot be because he is his own master now he has full autonomy and the jedi cannot and will not take that away from him

this got so long oh my god i just have so many THOUGHTS

qui gon taking anakin like that in tpm was such a rushed decision my man can you CHILL AND THINK

anyways,,,,, that’s all thank u for coming with me on this journey,,,,,,,

[naughtyneganjdm]

The Mistress - Chapter 15

Summary: The OC (reader) goes on a walk with Negan and he answers some questions that she has for him. 

Characters: Reader (OC), Negan, Daryl

Notes: I had this up earlier, but then spotted some massive grammar errors on my phone and then decided to take it down and re-post it! Sorry about that. For those that are still reading, thanks for that! Sorry for all the torture I put you guys through. I'm an asshole. I know :( 

Warnings: Swearing

AO3 Link: http://archiveofourown.org/works/9366677/chapters/25947969

Tags: @jasoncrouse @ronweaselz @hiddlesdowneyjr @ali-pennell @melodicdolls @namelesslosers @deepsouth @shanaatjelove11@warriorqueen1991 @caitydestroys @acklesdowneyandhiddles-ohmy@jaylaelizabethw @prettyepiic @negans-dirty-girl @mamaredd123 @jdmsgal​ @alyisdead @memphisgirl1977​ @negans-network @freaktesque @cannedpicklenumber1 @karaokke @hughxjackman @jaylaelizabethw @jmackie1983 @jenniegs @amy-2496 @daddy-kink-confirmed @jdmfanfiction@jml509 @nijiru @xnegansgirlx @dontblink94  @crzcorgi  @deadlymistress24  @babyblues915 @fxcking-negan @keithmoonmoon​ @fvshvncvnt  @ask-kakashihatake @esmerhya @carrter5  @that-darn-kid @yellatthetopofyourlungs @wolfgirl1074​ @ryangoslingstanktop​ @myheart4ever47​ @telltheking-cassetoi​ @xabeautifultragedyx​ @omgalittlebitofeverything​ *As always, please let me know if you want to be added to the tags or if you want to be taken off! -- I kind of merged my tags to make things easier for me here, if you want to be taken off certain stories, please let me know!*

“So is this where you are going to feed me to the zombies over there?” you followed Negan outside and saw him look over his shoulder to glare back at you. By the reaction, you could tell that he didn’t find your comment funny, but you were actually being serious. You shrugged and continued to follow him outside into the darkness that was still slightly brightened by the lights around The Sanctuary. Negan walked over toward one of the corners of the building before dropping back on the ground and motioning you to follow his footsteps. “I’m serious, should I be worried?”

“What am I going to do to you out here?” Negan blurted out with a heavy sigh as you carefully got down on the ground beside him. He seemed absolutely frustrated and annoyed with your question before laughing. “Fuck girl.”

“Don’t fuck girl me, you have been a total asshole the last few days and I’m not exactly sure what you are planning on doing with me these days,” you answered truthfully, pulling your legs up to your chest as you heard his groan fill the air. “I’m serious Negan, first you like me, then you hate me. It’s a toss up these days.”

“I’m an asshole,” Negan reminded you and you gave him a look, your eyebrow arching up when he spoke. “I get that it’s not exactly the best of things in the world, but I wouldn’t hurt you or kill you. I’ve told you that…I made a fucking promise.”

“You have hurt me though,” you muttered under your breath and you could see his eyebrows tense together. He sighed heavily and lowered his head. “You mean physically though, right?”

“I guess so, yeah…” Negan was quiet and you could tell that your comment about him hurting you actually bothered him. He gulped down heavily and you could feel that you were starting to get a little uncomfortable.

You kept quiet and could see Negan looking up at the stars as there was a silence that lasted for quite some time between the two of you. Negan let out an over dramatic sigh and fell back against the ground, lying out to stare up at the sky.

“What is this?” you looked down at him as he turned his head to look at you for a moment. He pat the ground next to him and you laid down in the grass with him cautiously. The sound of the walkers just beyond the gates of The Sanctuary made you nervous, but you still did as he asked. “Negan?”

“For an hour, you ask me whatever you want and I’ll be one hundred percent fucking honest with you,” Negan muttered before looking up toward the sky again. He folded his hands over his stomach and you let out a laugh that clearly sounded like you didn’t believe him. “I fucking swear.”

“Bullshit,” you snorted, looking out at him from where you were lying beside him. He shrugged and still continued to look up at the sky. “Why would you do that?”

“I feel bad for being a dick,” Negan answered with a heavy sigh. “So, I figure I owe you a few explanations. So ask what you want and I’ll answer.”

“Okay…” you thought about it for a moment before thinking about the conversation you had with Michael at lunch the other day. Negan hadn’t heard the conversation, only saw you hit Michael, so you used that to your advantage. You knew the answer to what you were about to ask him and that way you could test his ‘honesty’ hour. “Why does Michael hate you?”

“That’s the first question you ask me?” Negan’s nose wrinkled as a laugh fell from his lips. He turned on his side to stare out at you after curling his arm underneath his head. “I killed his father. At the time, I didn’t know it was his fucking daddy, but I had to make a point…”

“Okay,” you breathed out heavily when you realized that he gave you the real answer. You had asked him that question before and he avoided the conversation at the time, but this time he didn’t. Taking a leap of faith with the questions, you felt your heart skip a beat in your chest before speaking up again. “Do you hate me?”

“No, I don’t hate you,” a snort fell from his lips as he looked to the door that opened when someone stepped outside to survey the area. When they saw the two of you outside together, they stepped back into the building. “I’m just a dick.”

“Why did you dump me?” you whispered, seeing his eyebrows tensing and he bit into his bottom lip before shrugging. “You said an hour of honesty. You have to tell me.”

“I can’t tell you,” Negan answered with a heavy sigh. You went to rebuttal his answer and he rose his hand up to stop you. “No, I’m serious, I can’t tell you. That’s one hundred percent the truth. I just can’t. There are things that make this uncomfortable, but I think by not fucking telling you…it makes sense to me.”

“I think it’s because Dwight embarrassed you and made you believe that falling in love with me would cause you to look weak to your people,” you replied with a shake of your head and Negan sighed heavily. He shifted uneasily as you sat up from the laying position that you were in to look out at him.

“That might have led up to it, but the day I broke things with the two of us. I went to my desk and I was with Simon. There was this…just…someone did something,” Negan bit into his lip and he shook his head slowly. He couldn’t be anymore vague with his answer. “I can’t fucking tell you.”

“You can’t open it up with someone did something and then just end it that way. I’m picturing you and Simon at your desk and that’s where it ends,” you frustratingly responded and he threw his hands up in the air. “Fine! Do you love me?”

“I…don’t know,” Negan answered with a heavy sigh, rising up on his elbows to stare out at you with his hazel eyes. “I care for you greatly. I think you are very special. I just don’t know if I love you. I don’t understand love. I haven’t loved in a very long time. Maybe I do feel that way for you. I don’t know.”

“I’m special, but you dumped me and won’t tell me why? And you are punishing me?” you heard Negan groan at your response and you shook your head slowly. His answers really didn’t add up and make sense to you. “That makes no sense Negan.”

“Never said I make sense,” Negan rumbled, dropping back into the grass again. “Can I ask you some questions and have you be honest with me?”

“Why not?” you snorted with a hesitant breath and you dropped back on the grass beside him. A smirk pressed in over your lips when you thought about giving him the same lines he gave you. “I’ll give you an hour of honesty.”

“Would you really want to be one of my wives?” Negan looked to you, his eyebrow arching up with interest as he stared out at you. You were silent. Not really wanting to tell the truth, but when he expected an answer, you shook your head and decided to be honest with him in saying no. “Then why the hell would you even suggest it?”

“I didn’t want to lose you, you are the only good thing I’ve had in my life since I’ve lost everything,” you answered truthfully and you sighed. “When I lost everything, I didn’t think I’d feel again. So if putting on a skanky black dress and some high heels made you want to be around me again—it was worth it.”

“So you really love me, huh?” Negan’s deep tone filled the air and you could feel an ache in your chest at the question.

“I thought I did. After you started hurting me, I’m not so sure anymore,” you informed him and could hear the heavy sigh that escaped his lips when you continued. “I did when I said it the first time though.”

“You’re the first person I’ve heard say it and actually sound like you fucking meant it in a long time. The last time I heard it was before hell broke out and these flesh eaters started ruling,” Negan took in a long breath and shuddered when he clearly thought about a past memory. “It scared me.”

“It scared you to have someone love you?” you let out a disgusted noise and looked up at the sky. This whole thing felt odd being out here with Negan doing fifty questions, but you were running with it and letting this whole thing happen. “Why does that scare you?”

“Because I’m me. I’m a fucking bastard…it’s no excuse, but I fucking am,” Negan sighed heavily and you watched him wrapping his arms behind his head to brace them under his neck while he looked up at the sky. “I ruin everything and everyone that has ever cared for me, gets hurt…and most often dies. If someone hates me, if I make them hate me…they usually last a bit longer.”

“Wow,” you slowly rose up from your laying position again to look back at him. “That is a seriously fucked up theory.”

“You’re a pain in the ass, you know that?” Negan snorted, his gaze meeting yours when you shook your head at his response. “Everyone or everything I have ever cared for has gone to shit. It’s from personal experiences in my fucking life…”

“So you’re telling me that you are going to be an asshole to me and you have been an asshole to me, to keep me safe?” you watched him think about the question for a minute before nodding and you reached out to smack him heavily in the stomach. The groan that followed made a laugh fall from his lips and he sat up immediately after. “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“It makes sense to me,” Negan grunted as he rubbed over the area you just hit. “I’m not a normal fucking guy. I do things that upset people; I’m just…not a good person.”

“I knew that, I still know that and yet I’m still stupid enough to care about you. I just thought there was a part of you that was a good person,” you sighed heavily and could feel him sitting in closer to you. The warmth of his body pressed in next to yours amongst the cool night air that surrounded you. The sound of his jacket unzipping was heard and you felt him wrapping it around your shoulders before hooking his arm loosely around you. “Are you going to keep hurting me?”

“I don’t know,” Negan answered with a sigh and you could feel him pulling you closer to him as the two of you sat together. “I’m a leader of a group of people. I have to make a point, I have to be in charge and make decisions that are hard. I’m going to hurt you at some point because I’m going to do things you aren’t going to like.”

“I get that. That part of the job I get. What I mean is, are you going to be calling me into your room while you’re fucking your wives to torture me? Harassing me for loving you?” you could feel a lump forming in your throat and Negan sighed heavily.

“No, not anymore,” Negan muttered and you turned to look at him with doubt in your eyes. “I promise you. I’m not going to do that. I can’t promise I won’t say asshole things. I can’t promise that I’m not going to say something stupid and have you want to smack the shit out of me…three times. For some reason you really like to slap in fucking threes….”

“So you are still going to keep all of your wives?” you muttered and he nodded slowly, his eyebrow arching up when you questioned him on that. “You do know they don’t love you, right?”

“Your version of love and mine are a bit different,” Negan began and paused for a moment when he started thinking of an answer. “I get what you are saying though.”

“You’re not going to threaten to punish me with belting me every time someone pisses you off, right?” you saw the smirk that pressed in over his lips and you reached out to shove him in the chest. A laugh fell from his lips and you shook your head. “It’s not funny.”

“You fucking liked it. How are you going to sit there and tell me that you didn’t like that shit?” a rumble of laughter fell from his lips and you shoved him again. “I promise I won’t threaten to use the belt on you for mean things, but if things are getting kinky and you are game for it, I don’t really have a problem with the whole belt thing. You really liked it at the time…”

“It still hurts…” you pointed out and could see the frown that pressed in over the corners of his lips and you sighed. “But I did kind of like it…”

“See,” Negan chuckled, throwing his free hand up and he squeezed his other arm around you tightly. “If it makes you feel better…I’ll let you belt me if you’d like. I’ve got no fucking problems with that…”

“I doubt that,” you looked to him with a sideways glance and he shrugged his shoulders, a silly expression pressing in over his lips. “You like being in charge and dominant, there is no fucking way.”

“The idea of you tying me up and doing whatever the fuck you want with me doesn’t bother me anymore,” Negan slurred, his tongue sliding in over his bottom lip before a smile pressed in over the corners of his lips. “Remember, I’m still using my hour of honesty here.”

“Right…” you sighed heavily and thought about everything else that was on your mind. You leaned into his chest and could feel his jaw resting over the top of your head while he held onto you. “When you told me that the only reason you cared about me was the whole virgin thing…”

“Was me being an asshole just to be a fucking asshole. Did I mention I’m a fucking asshole?” Negan replied, a small laugh falling from your lips as you heard the rumble of laughter that fell deeply from his.

“You may have mentioned it once or twice?” you teased, listening to the sound of his heart as you pressed further into his chest. You knew that you shouldn’t have been enjoying the warmth of his body close to yours, but you were. “Do you really think that I have a thing for those three men? I mean seriously?”

“No, I don’t. I do think they have a thing for you though and it pisses me the fuck off,” Negan answered with a heavy sigh and you pressed your hand over the center of his chest to look up at him with a confused expression. “What?”

“Why are you doing this? Being nice, taking me out here and saying all of this?” you frowned, moving away from him slightly and could still feel his arm loosely hanging onto you. “I mean, I’m just supposed to believe all you are saying?”

“I’ve got no reason to fucking lie to you,” Negan answered with a frown, reaching out to caress softly over your jawline, tracing his rough fingertips over your sensitive flesh. “Plus, I kind of…it really fucking hurts when I see you upset. Like, at first I think it’s going to make me feel good, but then it hits me like a motherfucker when a few minutes pass. Usually, when I’m an asshole, it kind of fuels me, but with you…not so much. I feel like a real dick…”

“That’s because you are,” you smirked feeling him softly nudged your jaw with his fingers before smiling himself. “I don’t know…I just know being with you is hard. Caring for you is fucking hard.”

“I know and I don’t blame you if you don’t want to be around me,” he answered with a firm nod of his head before shrugging. “I fucking get it, but I’m going to be honest and tell you…I’m fucking obsessed with you and I think you are obsessed with me too. Neither one of us is going to be able to be away from the other for long.”

“You call it obsessed, I’m thinking of another word that I know you hate,” you answered with an uncomfortable breath and felt his fingertips pressing into your hair. “Am I still going to be having the rules on me?”

“What do you want your rules to be?” Negan bit into his bottom lip, watching you closely as you shrugged. “You clearly don’t like certain things, so let me hear it.”

“I don’t mind working with Simon as long as you don’t point fingers saying that I’m having a thing going on with him because I promise you I’m not,” you let out a hesitant sound and Negan nodded slowly. “I just think the whole you can’t speak to me, you have to bow for me thing is a bit ridiculous. Also threatening me with the cell is getting a little old.”

“You can talk to me, you don’t have to bow, but if everyone around you is…I’d appreciate you doing it,” Negan answered with a half laugh and you shook your head. “I may have to keep you on the point system for a while because if I don’t my Saviors are going to…”

“That’s fine, but are you going to still be treating me like shit in front of them? Are we going to have to hide us in front of everyone?” you saw Negan staring out at you for a moment before letting out a nervous sound. “We do, huh?”

“I’m not going to be an asshole to you in public, no, but I can’t let people see we are together again. It kind of has to be…between us. Okay?” Negan suggested with a frown and you pulled back to look him over. “I wish I could tell you why, I should be telling you why, but I can’t…”

“That is so stupid. You can’t tell me there is a reason why you have to hide that you care about me. I get it. I get that Dwight is a dick, I get that you think people are going to think you are weak,” you went on a rant only to feel his lips pressing roughly over yours to get you to silence your words and you reached up to press your hand in over his short beard. Kissing him back for a moment, you laughed and pulled away from him. “Nice try…”

“Listen okay…” Negan huffed, leaning forward to rest his forehead against yours and you could feel his hands reaching up to cup your face softly in his rough hands. “I need to keep you hidden. Okay? There are reasons that I can’t be the way I am with you in front of other people. If people continue to see…if people saw what you mean to me…there are just things that are going to happen that aren’t good. For fucks sake, this is the problem with us. I turn into a mumbling, blabbering fool. I promise I’m not going to be a ridiculous asshole in front of the others, but I can’t be as open about how I feel about you.”

“One final question,” you sighed heavily and could see him looking at you with a saddened expression. “You told me that you liked me and trusted me because I reminded you of someone…who?”

“I don’t talk to people about the sappy shit Y/N. I made that mistake once and…” Negan began and you gave him a frown when he began to ramble on. “My wife…”

“Which one?” you laughed, your nose wrinkling when you thought about his wives that he had. “I’m not sure I’m like any of them.”

“My wife before the shit hit the fan,” Negan grumbled and you suddenly got very serious when you saw his jaw clenching as he spoke. You never knew that he had a wife before all of this and you could see him leaning back on his hands on the grass again to brace his body up. “Not looks wise or what not, but she was the only woman in the world that could glare at me and I knew I was up shits creek. She didn’t take my shit and she had the same fucking attitude you did. It was part of what made me fall in love with her in the first place and I was an asshole to her too. I’ve been nothing, but a fuck up my entire life and I’ve always hurt the people that I’ve cared the most for.”

“What happened to her?” you could feel a chill running up your spine as you watched the man before you talking about his past, something he rarely did. It wasn’t just the cocky Negan before you, it was something more.

“I don’t think I can handle more of this sappy shit tonight Y/N,” Negan’s voice cracked and he looked up at you with a saddened expression. He bit into his bottom lip and shook his head slowly. “One step at a time, but just know that I’ll stop doing what I’m doing. I might have to hide things…I might have to pretend I’m being an asshole in public still, but it’s because I can’t let people see that I deeply care for you. Alright?”

“Alright,” you sighed with a small nod of your head. He dropped back on the grass with a dramatic motion and you laughed. You reached out to pat him on the stomach a few times before shrugging. “I wish things were easier to understand.”

“I wish a lot of fucking things,” you gasped when you heard Negan growl from behind you and reach for your arm to tug you down on top of him. A laugh fell from your lips when you carefully moved in over him and reached up to caress over the side of his rough features. “Being in love with you is hard…”

“I know,” he whispered, tracing over your lips with his rough fingertips before you slowly began to press small kisses over his fingertips. Negan’s eyebrows clenched together when he leaned up to meet your lips in a slow, soft kiss. It was different for Negan, but you could feel the sensation of his lips teasing over yours in a very delicate manner. “I’m sorry. Very…fucking sorry.”

“Not sure I forgive you,” you whispered against his lips, caressing over his firm jawline before sighing heavily. Pushing your fingertips into his dark hair, you smirked and shook your head slowly. “But I’ll try to understand.”

“Okay…” he nodded, gulping down heavily and you reached out to hook your fingers with his and let out a heavy sigh as you looked him over. Tracing your fingertips over the center of his chest, you could see him looking up at the stars again and you smiled. “I should have never been an asshole.”

“We all learn, right?” you responded leaning down to tease your lips in over his jawline as you carefully moved in beside him on the grass. You felt his arm wrapping around when you moved in closer to him and you sighed. “Negan, please just tell me what caused all of this?”

“I don’t think right. What I assume to be right, what I think will make things fucking right, it’s not always the best way to do things. I told myself that if I was an asshole to you, then I could keep myself away from you, but I’m selfish. So instead of hurting you and pushing you away, I kept shoving everything in your face,” Negan made a disgusted sound and shook his head. “I’m a bad person. When someone pisses me off, when I try to punish people…I go after…”

Negan made another uncomfortable sound before pulling out from under you and standing. He shrugged his shoulders and tossed his hands up.

“Did you ever watch those shows where like a cop busts a fucking crime boss and instead of going after the…” Negan began again and shook his head. “When you start openly showing people that you care about things, that something makes you happy, people take advantage of that.”

“And what the hell does that have to do with us?” you tried to make sense of what he was saying, but you just found yourself more confused. “Negan?”

“Just, I wish I could be the good guy that you deserve. I wish I could give you the things that you fucking need, but that’s not the world we live in anymore,” Negan huffed and you gradually stood up from the ground to face him. “The other day something scared me and I reacted badly. I’m an asshole, I don’t expect you to forgive me, I wouldn’t forgive me either. It’s better if you do fucking hate me.”

“Okay…?” you still found yourself at a loss and you could hear him let out another frustrated sound. “Could you just flat out tell me what happened to lead you to being an asshole. I get you are an asshole. I get you’ve done bad things. I know you’ve done awful shit and you’ve done things that have led up to you hurting me in ways that I can’t forgive you for, but what I need to know is…what led to it. What happened? Something changed between Alexandria and later that night. What?”

Negan shook his head and stared down at you with his dark gaze.

“Am I going to have to ask Simon?” you slurred and Negan gave you a displeased look.

“Simon wouldn’t tell you because Simon wants to keep you safe too,” Negan muttered with a small sigh, reaching out to grab your hands to squeeze them softly. “Just please…please just believe me when I tell you it’s better that you don’t know. I’m just trying to keep things safe, okay? And the only way I can keep things safe is if no one knows about us.”

“Rise and shine princess,” you heard the sound of a pounding on your door and heard Simon’s voice on the other side. Looking next to you in bed, you could see Negan sleeping beside you with his arm curled underneath his head, holding the pillow close to his face. “Hey, we gotta get moving girlie.”

“I need a…few,” you called out from the bed and could see Negan’s eyes clenching and you pulled the sheets closer to your body. Clearing your throat uneasily, you looked to see that you and Negan were still in your clothes from the night before. After talking outside for a while, Negan came back to your room to talk to you about somethings and you both must have ended up falling asleep. Looking him over, you carefully tried to move out of the bed before feeling Negan’s arm grasping around your waist to pull you back to him. “I need to work Negan.”

“No, you don’t…” Negan breathed against your skin as he tried to cuddle his head at the base of your neck. “I’m the boss; I say you can take a sick day.”

“Yeah, but then people are going to wonder why Negan is giving me a break when he just gave me a hard fucking time,” you saw Negan’s tired eyes open and he let out a disgusted sound. “You’re the one that said you wanted it to be hidden that we were close. If you’d fucking tell me what happened, then I could approach things differently, but until then…”

“Fine…” Negan loosened his grip around you and turned onto his back on your bed. He reached up to rub at his tired eyes before letting out a hearty yawn. “I need to fucking sleep more. This is ridiculous.”

“Didn’t sleep with your wife the other day, huh?” you moved to your bag that had your clothes in it. Pulling out a different shirt, you saw Negan shake his head before lowering his head back into your pillows. “Didn’t trust her?”

“I don’t trust anyone,” Negan answered with another yawn as he brought your pillow in over his face. His voice came out muffled and you laughed when you could barely understand him. “I almost thought you’d want to suffocate me in the middle of the night.”

“I still might if you give me the chance with that pillow,” you changed your clothes and moved over toward the bed to pull it from Negan’s face. A small smile pressed in over his lips as he shrugged his shoulders when you spoke. “Is this going to end? You being nice to me?”

“Go out and do your work, I’ll get mine done,” Negan began with a heavy sigh and he shook his head slowly. “Tonight I’ll come back here and we can have dinner. I’ll sneak you some food and we can just talk. Okay?”

“You shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep Negan,” you pointed out with a frown and Negan shook his head. Negan motioned you to wait a minute as he slowly got up from the bed and let out a groan when he stretched. His body snapped a bit when he moved before he reached for your hand. He grabbed his jacket from the bottom of your bed before urging you toward your door. “What?”

“There is something I have to do first,” Negan carefully pulled open your door to have you follow him out of the room when he saw that the coast was clear. You followed him, unknowing of what he was doing until he led you toward the cells. When you started to skid your feet a bit, he shook his head. “I’m not throwing you in one of these.”

“Then what are you doing?” you answered with a hiss, pulling your hand from his grasp and you saw him moving toward Daryl’s cell. He grabbed a hold of it an unlocked it before pointing toward it. “What are you doing?”

“Taking your fucking advice for once,” Negan stepped away from the cell and saw you looking him over confused. “Go talk to your friend…”

“Are you kidding?” you let out a hesitant laugh, thinking that he was joking and Negan’s thick eyebrows arched up and he shook his head. “You can’t be serious.”

“Take the offer while you’ve got it girl,” Negan pointed at the cell and he could see you were moving toward it slowly. “I’ll be out here, take a few minutes and afterwards…you can get to work.”

“Okay,” you nodded, watching Negan take a seat on one of the containers outside of the cells before you pulled open the door. Stepping inside, you could see Daryl sitting in the corner of the room, his legs pulled close to his chest. A desperate sound escaped his lips when you closed the door behind you and stepped into the dark cell. Daryl quickly got to his feet and you felt his arms wrapping around you in a tight hug. His hands were eager to cup your face to look you over and make sure that you were alright. “I’m okay, everything is fine.”

“What did he do to you? Are you hurt?” Daryl looked over your body to the best of his ability and you shook your head slowly. You grabbed a tight hold of his hands and lowered them. You squeezed at the rough, dirty skin and shook your head. “Did he…?”

“No. No he didn’t,” you answered truthfully and you could see the doubt in Daryl’s eyes. “It was a scare tactic Daryl. He wanted to upset you and worry me, but at the end of the day, he didn’t follow through with it. He just wants to scare us.”

“Please don’t lie to me,” Daryl begged and you squeezed your fingertips around his tightly. “Did he hurt you?”

“I promise you, he didn’t. He’s just an asshole,” you snickered, reaching out to brush his dirty hair away from his face and you could see that he looked absolutely miserable. Looking over your shoulder, you could see that there were no shadows under the door and you knew that meant that Negan wasn’t listening. “He talks a big game and does some awful things, but he’s not a rapist.”

“How do you know that?” Daryl slurred and you shrugged your shoulders. “He’s a monster.”

“I just know, he’s not a rapist. He’s just out to make you mad. He wants you to be him. He wants you to be part of the team,” you insisted and could see Daryl shake his head over and over again. “I know Daryl and I get it. I promise you…we’re going to get you out of here.”

“What about you?” Daryl muttered under his breath, his blue eyes watching you closely as you stepped back toward the door knowing that Negan said you only had a few minutes. “I don’t want you back out there with him.”

“Believe it or not Daryl, I’m okay,” you hushed him with a small sigh before nodding back toward the door. “I’m working for points and I’m going to be okay. I’ll find a way to get you out of here, okay? I promise.”

“Please just…” Daryl let out a tight breath as he moved back toward the corner of his cell and shrugged. He slowly lowered back to the ground and shrugged his shoulders. “Be careful, okay? I don’t want anything bad to happen to you. I don’t know how you got in here or how things are working for you out there, but please…just be safe.”

“Okay,” you agreed and stepped back out of the cell before closing it. Negan got up from where he was sitting and moved over to lock it back up. You stepped back and gave him a long once over before shaking your head. “Thank you.”

“Sure,” Negan nodded with a heavy breath, clutching the door handle in his hands. “Just don’t go around telling people I did this. Alright?”

“That was very nice of you. Very unlike you,” you muttered, reaching up to tap the side of his face softly and you could see something different in his eyes as he stared out at you. ‘Thank you again.”

Nodding, you stepped back away from Negan and toward the hallway where you knew that Simon and the group would be waiting for you. You knew that Negan was far from making you trust in him again, but what he did today was more than you ever expected from him.

[blancheludis]

A/N: @iron-man-bingo square: Withdrawal

Fandom: Marvel, Iron Man Characters: Tony Stark, Obadiah Stane, JARVIS Tags: Alcohol Abuse, Withdrawal, Sick Tony, Hurt No Comfort, Stane is a Villain, Angst Words: 2.540

Summary: Tony knows the criteria for diagnosing an addiction since Pepper has helpfully supplied him with a flyer once or five times. He is not an addict. He could stop. It is not withdrawal making him feel miserable. That is just his life. At least Obie understands that and helps - even if that means putting a bottle of whiskey in his hand at eleven in the morning. Tony is fine.

---

Tony wakes with a start. The transition from sleep to awake happens in a panic-infused second that catapults Tony from a mostly forgotten nightmare of hands pulling him under black waves to the sensation of being unable to move, unable to escape the lingering feeling of unease. It takes him several breathless moments to realize that his dream has not become flesh but that he is only entangled in his clam, sweat-soaked bedsheet.

He struggles against its grip without success, then falls back against the cushions pressing uncomfortably against his skin. Only then, with great reluctance, does he open his eyes. The light feels like daggers embedding themselves in his skull, relentlessly driving forward and making the already unbearable pounding ache worse. Tony groans, swallows against the dryness of his throat. His tongue feels like a swollen, foreign thing inside his mouth.

“What day is it?” Tony asks into the emptiness of his bedroom. His own voice is enough to make his ears ring and his head ache.

He wants to take the question back, certain he cannot stand another sound, but his ever-diligent AI answers before he can muster the energy to speak again.

“Tuesday,” JARVIS says, “Eleven in the morning.” Tony is certain JARVIS speaks louder than he has to, just as there is no mistaking the disappointment accompanying the words.

In turn, Tony closes his eyes as if that will help him escape that. He does not want to think about how his own creation’s disgust makes him feel, how lost he is already, mere minutes after waking up.

When the actual words register, Tony stills. Tuesday, he thinks, the word echoing hollowly inside his mind. He could have sworn it was just Friday. That means he is losing days again.

Tony wants to pull his pillow over his head and get back to sleep, a dreamless one this time. Everybody is always so angry with him when he is losing time – at least when he is not doing so inside the workshop. Nobody minds when he does not come up for air while he is working. Sleep is such a waste of time, though, theirs and his.

Pepper will be waiting with stacks of paperwork, and Obie will have projects to discuss. Shivers run through Tony’s body at the mere thought.

As if JARVIS has read his mind, he says, “Mr. Stane is waiting for you downstairs.”

Something gathers inside the pit of Tony’s stomach that might be dread, but could also be simple nausea instead. He sometimes gets that from just thinking about moving.

He does not want to get up, does not want to pour all his energy into pushing through the pain that is pulsing through his body. If he has to, he will. He has a lot of experience with it, but he wonders whether it is too much to ask to just get a break for once.

Taking a deep breath, Tony sits up. Despite the turmoil this causes inside his stomach, he goes all the way from lying down to sitting at the edge of his bed in one not very smooth motion. Once sitting, he regrets having ever woken up. His headache increases tenfold with a roar, nearly blinding him with pain. He does not know where is up and down, whether he is still sitting or already falling.

Cradling his head inside his hands, Tony waits for the agony to pass. Someday, he fears, it will stay with him forever, a constant companion like the whispering thoughts in the back of his mind that sound suspiciously like Howard that he never quite managed to silence, no matter how hard he tries.

Minutes pass that feel like hours. His heartbeat is a stumbling staccato in his ears as his heart rattles against the inside of his ribcage, demanding to be let out, to be laid to rest.

Finally, things calm down enough for Tony to dare look around. He is in his bedroom, which is a good sign. He has woken up in much worse places. The bedsheet is still clinging to his legs and he takes it with him, wondering how he is going to disentangle himself from it without falling over.

He is awake enough now to notice the rotten taste inside his mouth and searches for something to wash it away with. The thirst he feels is merely a secondary concern. Two bottles sit on his nightstand. One has fallen over, lying in a small puddle of clear liquid. The other one still has perhaps an inch of its content left.

Tony reaches out for it. His hand is trembling badly and misses the bottle by a good deal on his first try. His entire arm feels too heavy, straining to stay in the air. That feeling passes the moment Tony’s fingers close around the neck of the bottle.

The vodka does not burn as it slides down his throat. The shame lurking somewhere in the back of his mind does, however.

These thoughts are not something to linger on. In fact, they are exactly what made him end up here, miserable and in pain. Avoidance is a good motivator, though, so Tony pushes himself to his feet without further stalling.

He does not even make it all the way up before he falls right back down onto the mattress because his vision swims and all the blood drains out of his head. It is a good thing he did not strip the bedsheet away yet, because he thinks that is the only reason why he falls backwards instead of flat on his nose.

“Do you want me to call for assistance?” JARVIS asks, and only belatedly adds, “Sir.”

Nothing clears Tony’s minds faster than the thought of being seen like this. It is funny, how pride works. He should not have any of that left. And yet.

It takes Tony the better part of an hour to get out of bed and into the bathroom. His legs and hands are shaking too badly for him to take a shower, so he falls more than climbs into his bathtub and sits there while he lets hot water trickle down his back. He drinks some of it but that amplifies his nausea. After that, he just sits there, wondering about how easy it would be to drown here.

When he finally makes his way downstairs, his shirt is unbuttoned but he feels almost human again. Not enough to be actually up for company, but he does not walk right back to his bedroom at least.

Obie is standing at the window, looking out over the sea. His back is straight and he does not turn around when he hears Tony’s steps coming closer. That is as sure a sign as any that he is angry. People usually are where Tony is involved.

“Good morning,” Tony greets, as he walks over to the couch, his legs feeling weak already. He winces at the hoarseness of his own voice and wishes he had said nothing. It makes Obie stop ignoring him, though. Tony is not sure whether that is a good thing.

Something flickers over Obie’s face and while it is too quickly replaced by the usual wide smile, Tony knows what it was. Pity and disgust and a whole lot of questions about his remaining worth. Some nights, when he is actually sober, Tony looks in the mirror and sees the same questions on his own face.

“You’re going to make me late for the board meeting,” Obadiah says by way of greeting, as if Tony has called him here, actually wanting to entertain guests instead of wallowing in self-pity.

Reaching the couch, Tony lets himself sink into the cushions with a sigh. He did not know there was a board meeting scheduled. Then again, he did not know what day it is either. For a fleeting moment, he imagines Howard’s disappointed face at Tony’s lack of interest in Stark Industries. Tony is good at what he does and he can spew out a dozen good ideas in a row when he is on a working binge. It just does not feel like his. Not after his father’s constant tirades and then his sudden death, leaving Tony to continue a legacy he never managed to live up to before.

Most of the time, it is easy to ignore that weak sense of duty, drowning it beneath parties and alcohol and beautiful women. Sometimes, though, Obie looks at him the way Howard always did, and that makes it hard to cling to his chosen irresponsibility.

“Perhaps I should come with you,” Tony offers, and is sure he only does because he knows Obie will refuse.

He still cannot ignore the slight disappointment he feels when Obadiah shakes his head. Tony does not want to go to a board meeting and face an entire table full of judging faces and constant scrutiny. He would like to be needed, though. Even if it is only for a little while and for something as unimportant as a meeting with ever circling conversations.

“You should take care of yourself first,” Obadiah answers with that same generosity he has always shown Tony since Howard and Maria’s death.

It gave Tony time to grieve – or to accept the fact that he was not grieving – and to finish his studies, to live before Stark Industries is going to swallow him whole. It has been some years but Tony is not any closer to finding any peace. Obie is not rushing him, though.

“It’s still my company,” Tony argues, surprising himself.

It is not as if he even has time to care for Stark Industries in between hiding away in his workshop and drowning his worries in alcohol. The latter is a coping mechanism he learned from Howard, which really should make him stay away from it, but he has never actually listened to common sense.

“And I speak for you,” Obadiah counters calmly. He looks hurt, as if Tony has just questioned his loyalty. “I’m here to help you like I helped your father.”

Tony thinks he should have gone looking for a new bottle before coming downstairs if Obie is in the mood to discuss Howard. His insides are tense and curled into aching knots already. The nausea still has not passed, even though he takes care not to move.

“But I can –” Tony tries to insist, but is secretly glad when Obie interrupts him.

“I know you can,” he says. He has used that same tone for as long as Tony can remember, encouraging him even when Howard threw his projects and ideas directly onto the junk pile. “But you don’t have to.”

Tony’s entire life consists of things he has to do, of expectations he has to meet. His effort always falls short. It is nice to have someone looking out for him, to see when he is doing badly. Pepper and Rhodey do too, up to a certain point, but they are always so eager to fix him and not his circumstances.

“You look a little pale,” Obadiah continues. It feels like Tony has missed a portion of their conversation, drifting off along the currents of his rambling mind. “Do you need a drink?”

Something inside Tony immediately perks up. The taste of the last drops of vodka he had after waking up is still lingering on his tongue, calling for more. He does not need to drink, of course. It is just a way to calm his mind enough that he can work properly. His brain has always had the habit of running in overdrive, leaving him lost amongst his own thoughts.

“I shouldn’t,” Tony says nonetheless. He tries calm his mind through other means, to keep his fingers occupied so they will not itch to close around a bottle. “There’s work to do.”

“And you’ll get it done,” Obadiah reassures him easily. He is already moving towards the liquor cabinet, anticipating Tony’s needs despite his protest. “You don’t have too hurt yourself for it.”

That remark rankles Tony. It does not hurt him not to drink. Yes, he feels the ever constant tremble in his fingers, and his headache would be crippling if he had not had years of practice of working through it.

He can trust Obie, though. Out of all the people in the world, it was always Obie who stood at his side without question – at least since Jarvis died. Tony loves Pepper and Rhodey, but they never seem to accept that this is who he is, that there is no fixing that.

Rationally, Tony does not want a drink, but the familiar craving is spreading through his chest, pulling at his sternum. His skin itches with the need to feel cool glass beneath it. Time always drags by so slowly when he tries to do the right thing and stay sober. His brain, too, gets muffled, distracted by the memory of bottles clinking against each other.

One glass cannot hurt.

“One,” he tells Obie, and the roaring inside his head is already dissipating. One will be enough to calm the shaky feeling of his body and give his mind some clarity.

Obadiah nods benevolently at him as he gets out a glass. He pours and pours, then brings over a glass that is filled almost to the brim. It is only practice and sheer need that keeps Tony from spilling any of the precious liquid.

It does not even taste good anymore, tainted by his thoughts, by imagining his friends’ faces. They do not know what he needs.

Tony knows the criteria for diagnosing an addiction since Pepper has helpfully supplied him with a flyer once or five times. Hazardous use of addictive substances. Social or work-related problems due to substance use. Failure to meet responsibilities. Tolerance. Unsuccessful attempts to quit. Giving up on other activities. Spending too much time using the substance. Craving. Withdrawal symptoms.

He is not an addict. He could stop. It is not withdrawal making him feel miserable. That is just his life.

Obie is right. Why should he make things unnecessarily hard for himself? He gets his work done just as well, and if he is losing some days to oblivion, it is not like he misses much. Life only happens when he is there.

The bottle is standing within reach, and Tony moves before he knows what he is doing. Obie watches him with a smile, not judging.

“I’ll call you if something interesting happens during the board meeting,” Obadiah says as he gets to his feet. “Just concentrate on yourself and your work.”

Busy draining his glass, Tony just nods his thanks and waves Obadiah off. He is doing well. The exhaustion is already falling off him, so he is sure he is going to get some profitable hours in in the workshop – after he is done with his drink.

Obadiah whistles as he walks out of the room, leaving Tony behind, knowing he is well cared for. Already, Tony’s brain gets ready to create, the alcohol promising to mute the worst of its background noise.

When Tony goes down to the workshop, he takes the bottle with him.

[help-who-am-i]

Survey Steal

Do you have any friends who are on and off with bfs / gfs all the time? Yes! I can’t keep up. Nothing against it at all, I don’t think anyone should be shamed for it, but I just hope she doesn’t expect me to show much of an interest in her love life. She knows I’ve never been very interested in love since forever, anyways. It’s cool

When was the last time you almost cried out of exhaustion? I don’t tend to cry out of exhaustion, I cry when I feel angry or sad and have no other way of expressing it

What`s a TV show you hate missing? Heartland

Do you think it`s funny how people always say their pet is the best ever? Nah, we all say it and we should all mean it because every animal is the best ever tbh. Animals rock

When did you last brush your teeth? Yesterday morning

What was the last website [besides this one] that you visited? YouTube. I was watching a WIRED interview with Daniel Radcliffe

Do you have a friend who you think you`ll be best friends with forever? Sadly not. I did once, and I miss the ghost of who she used to be so much. Pretty sure we were soulmates

Does it annoy you when you accidentally delete things? It freaks me out more than anything, but I’m pretty crafty when desperate and know that computer engineers are super smart so they wouldn’t just let things get completely and utterly deleted, right? Is it even possible, really? I mean, I managed to retrieve photos and videos I accidentally deleted from a camera... that’s something which I didn’t think was possible

What`s a movie / book / TV show / band / whatever you highly recommend? Movie: The Intouchables (French movie). Book: Gideon the Cutpurse. TV show: The Blacklist. Band: Years & Years. Webtoon: Room of Swords.

When did you last use a dictionary / thesaurus? I used google to find the clinical term for ear wax just yesterday, if that counts?FYI: it’s cerumen.

Are you anticipating or dreading anything? Yes, I’m stuck in a rut at the moment. I’m living at home with my parents and have no proper full-time job. Your typical university graduate. I’m anticipating a response regarding a recent interview

If someone could randomly give you something right now, what would you like? Full coverage of tuition fees for vet school? 

What`s the most annoying thing in the world? Having to rely on unreliable people

When did you last use one of those water slides you put on hills? Never

What are you sitting on right now? Sofa

What skills would you like to learn / develop? Veterinary, web development, athletic, writing, art, scuba diving, aquatic, wildlife and bird husbandry, car mechanics, piano, guitar, video editing, music production

What is something other people say you`re good at but you think you`re not? Communicating with people

What does your bedside lamp look like? Brushed chrome touch lamp with light pink shade - T&W. Can you tell I work as an inventory typist? 

What did you last take a photograph of? A sketch I drew of what was supposed to be Olly from Years & Years but then somehow mostly became Sam Smith? I don’t even know how that happened, I guess my imagination took over

When was the last time you got really frustrated with technology? Yesterday when the report didn’t upload correctly yet again and I needed to correct misspellings the web base had created

What was the last funny thing someone said to you? Well, mum was laughing at some pictures on the internet (probably from Facebook) - the last one she laughed at was of “santa fucking a reindeer”. I didn’t even want to ask... but to put it into better context, I think they were doodles from children and what was probably meant to be an innocent picture drawn by a child was probably easily misinterpreted by our adult dirty minds

Who taught you to tie your shoelaces? Mum and nan

What was the last thing you bought? Flights to the Philippines!

Do you want to move to somewhere else? If so, where? Yes and no? Not for a long while, but I would really like to experience living somewhere else at least once in my life. Preferably Canada or Australia

What time is it where you are? 01:42 What`s your favourite picture of yourself as a child? The one where I’m unintentionally sticking my middle finger up

Do you like your neighbours? Sure, they’re nice

Does your room need cleaning? God yes, I lost an earring under the bed a few days ago and was horrified to see just how much dust has gathered under there. Literally a carpet’s worth. DIGUSTANG

Do you have a good relationship with your family? I’m very grateful and lucky to say that yes, I do have an incredibly good relationship with my (immediate) family. I’m a bit of a black sheep in our wider family though, was awkward and avoidant as an older child and teenager. Still trying to redeem myself to family members I want to have good relations with

What is something people are surprised to hear about you? I don’t know

Do you make judgments about people straight after meeting them? The harsh truth is yes, unfortunately. First impressions are important. Not see all end all, but definitely influence whether or not I particularly want to interact or engage with that person again

What time counts as a lie-in for you? Haha... ha... I don’t even have a stable sleeping pattern

Do you hate any particular groups of people? Abusers - people who treat other beings like dirt, they disgust me. I feel sorry for them because clearly something’s gone wrong in their upbringing or genetic constitution, but I also hate them for doing such horrific things to those who by no means deserve it 

Do you fall up or down stairs usually? Up - much prefer falling up stairs. Falling down gives a proper mini heart attack

Do you constantly break things? [By mistake or otherwise] No

What was the last bug you saw? Ahh, I love insects! Bugs are pretty cool, but I especially love beetles (Coleoptera). Probably a stink bug?

Are there any smells which make you feel nauseous? Bile, blood, dead flesh

What is the scariest thing you`ve ever gone through? Oh god, I daren’t answer this because I consider too many things scary

Do you have anything unusual in your bag? Surgical mask and cap

Can you never think of anything to put for survey tags? No, I can

Are there any people you know in real life that you only talk to online? Yes :( I miss her like crazy, but I also hold a grudge

Do you think people who don`t care about education are dumb? Not dumb, but perhaps don’t understand how valuable and influential it is for change. We would not be anywhere near where we are as a species (the good and the bad) if we had not invested so much in education. We owe a lot to the originals, the inventors, those who were brave enough to stand out as the first to discover and teach

What`s your favourite key on a keyboard? @

Do you always finish what you start? No, I’m so terrible at finishing stories. I’m also a sloppy artist, I tend to like the unfinished looks so I usually focus on the face and hair but leave anything from the neck down in an unfinished/ lineart and shaded state. I rarely bother to add colour

Who`s your favourite character from The Simpsons? Or do you hate that show? Marge

Have you ever had any friends who always tried to steal your things? No

When was the last time you had a complete live revamp? Say what? As opposed to... a dead revamp? What’s that? Sorry, I’m a bit behind with the times

What is something you will never understand? ^ That. Lmao

When did you last laugh hysterically? About 20 mins ago when my dog got up off the sofa to walk behind it but got his Elizabethan collar stuck between the blinds and just created chaos while trying to turn around at 1am... way to keep quiet for those trying to sleep upstairs, doggo. Gotta love him