#I remembered i could just google it bcs they were real ppl

[whoviandoodler]

Okay but mary jayne is literally just 31??? When Patterson or whomever told her Albert would leave her because he's young and spry or whatever, I expected her to be like 10+ years older than him (she has the same syndrome as varian, the 'i am in my early thirties and am Old and Weathered' like shut up both of you you're babies (advanced edition) (varian is 33 btw))

[desire-mona]

randomly assigning house md characters internet moments / videos / memories / whatever i remember based off nothing at all (i did i dps version too) (also links for everything i talk about will be provided) (also also this isnt made to make fun of anyone involved in any of this)

house - mr beast and his OLD OLD youtube videos, like circa 2015? i think? he used to make cringe compilations essentially where he just made fun of kids' youtube intros. face and all like nothing was blurred for privacy, and then he'd call them cringe and make drinking bleach jokes. like a LOT. i binge watched those back in like 4th grade i think? maybe 5th? so thats kinda all i associate him with now. he also made videos where he would say a word like a thousand times, sometimes WAY more (like 100k+). or like. count to that number, he did both. anyway rip house you wouldve loved making fun of kids' youtube videos

wilson - does anyone remember the evian baby commercials? i think the whole shtick was like "this water makes you feel young again" I THINK? the one i linked was the one where the reflection on a building makes ppl babies, but theres one where babies are on roller skates or whatever too. this isnt entirely an internet moment as much as it is just a memory, cuz i remember my mom and my aunt DYING laughing at these commercials. idk what it was they were just in tears. theres something so 2007-2015 about dancing babies. wasnt a dancing baby the first internet meme? just googled it and yes it was.

cuddy - onision's shitty spoken word songs PLEASE tell me someone remembers them. onision really shouldve stopped trying to make music after the banana song bc the rest really suck shit. this is NOT based on vibes i gotta get that out there, i was like hmm cuddy has a kid. you know who else has a kid? YOU KNOW WHO LET THEIR KID FALL OUT OF A WINDOW? cuddy would fucking HATE onision. ALSO OH MY GOD PAUSE EVERYTHING ONISION JUST UPLOADED A SONG. I NEED TO MAKE A SEPERATE POST ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW WHAT THE HELL. anyway dont watch it. i linked strange æon's video on his music just bc i really dont wanna direct u to anything of his directly. did u know i dont like onision?

foreman - the most insane youtube poop ive ever seen in all of my 19 years of living, i sent this to maddie specifically when i made my initial "like for a rando internet moment!" post but i really need to share it with the general public. general warning for youtube poop-ness; flash, loud noises, overwhelming, etc. i am actually begging you to watch this because it tops every other ytp ive ever seen, like actually blows it out of the water. i also has no idea ppl still made ytps after 2014 tbh.... btw this is probably the only ytp that i'll ever recommend LMAO

chase - OH MY GOD KYLERLOVESJESUS. so basically this one eboy influencer type on tiktok back in 2019 Found God and went on rants about how abortion is wrong and gay marriage is bad and blah blah blah. there was this moment on one of his lives where he went "i love gay people, i would be best friends with a gay person. do i support it? no." which was the FUNNIEST shit back in the day. i would quote it on the daily. btw the editing of the video i linked is VERY of the time so beware LMAO

cameron - cutie the kitten (sans' wife and gf) + the killing videos sans fan girls would make. i actually cant link anything bc the channel doesnt exist anymore but! basically back in 2016ish there was this one girl who had such a crush on sans and she had a whole ocxcanon situation with sans and her pink cat oc Cutie. a lot of ppl hated her + the ppl who had ocs shipped with sans but looking back its truly not a big deal. what is a big deal is that she (? maybe?) and other sans fangirls would make animated slideshow videos of their ocs using powers or whatever to kill other sans fangirls. like brutally. it was a wild time i wish cutie's channel was still up so i could prove thats a real thing, but ask an undertale fan from back then and odds are theyll know. heres a sans fangirl cringe compilation so you kinda know what im talking about, but fair warning it is a cringe compilation so. it wont be nice.

thirteen - TW INCEST!! this one hamilton animatic i saw back in forever ago to the song 'helpless'. usually animatics to that song use eliza and hamilton (im not a hamilton fan this is very surface lvl knowledge btw) but the one i saw was eliza and ANGELICA. like as in HER SISTER. big surprise someone in a big fandom ships incest wow I KNOW its tame compared to other shit, but it was i think my first exposure to anything like that circa 2017ish, so it kinda stuck in the brain. also the video i linked isnt the og its a phil collins mashup, the og got taken down. hamilton always makes an appearance in my house posts doesnt it, be lucky i didnt give kutner this one bc ppl were turn up abt hamilton fan kutner.

taub - WHAT DO YALL KNOW ABOUT MIKE AND MELISSA ⁉️⁉️ basically mike and melissa is this animated passion project this guy made to show himself (or his persona? or maybe just some guy) falling in love with his fursona that comes to life. this was the only episode this guy uploaded and i think he kinda disappeared after. the plot is kinda hard to follow and its not TERRIBLY animated but its certainly not professional looking. there's a video about what happened to him uploaded like 5 months ago, but i havent watched it. when i first heard of mike n melissa i fully thought it was a mid 2000s family sitcom but it definitely Is Not That.

kutner - undertale sans au christmas party comic dub. i probably dont need to give an explanation as to what sans aus are but idk how many ex or current undertale fans follow me so i'll do it anyway. making au's for undertale was a pretty common practice back in its early days, and usually the most popular character in any undertale variation is sans. who sans is shipped with was always up in the air, so much like the onceler, ppl ended up shipping sans with other au versions of himself. this christmas party comic is in my mind the undertale fandom equivalent of camp weehawken. i think there was also a sans au comic where all the sans' except for like 2 were toddlers at daycare? i dont remember who the adult sans' were but also i think the creator got into hot water? dont remember why.

[menalez]

you like lucy liu! great bc i have a story i've been dying to share related to her and it's utterly ridiculous if not stupid. (it's a bit long tho, so sorry abt that - but it fuels my pettiness)

so, I used to have this friend (from ages 15 to 20), we met at school and befriended each other through fandom. I'm a lesbian (bi back then) and always liked wlw ships, my friend (straight) really liked mlm ships & considering our common interests we got along p well. (i say liked mlm ships, but it was probably fetishisation: mlm ships were better than any straight or wlw one bc two men; men deserved to be with another man being w a woman would've been a downgrade etc. basically a lot of internalised misogony)

Okay, so around 2016/17 the Sherlock shows "Elementary" and bbc's "Sherlock" were quite popular. My former friend was really into Sherlock (mostly for the ship); I wasn't. I didn't like Cumberbatch, thought he was arrogant and therefore wasn't interested in watching bbc's Sherlock, I was quite into Elementary though. I liked the spin it took on the Sherlock series, I really liked the idea of an equal and female Watson (Lucy Liu in that case) and I loved the idea of Moriarty being a woman and having great chemistry with Lucy Liu.

I don't remember what led up to the conversation, but she sent me screenshots of her convo with smn else where they were talking about me and my refusal to watch bbc's Sherlock. And to this day, the conversation they had pisses me off so much (but also leaves me going like ??? bc it's ridiculous) It originally was in German, but this was the gist of it: my friend seemed to have been complaining to this other girl (I didn't know her) about me not wanting to watch sherlock. The stranger took offense in my dislike for Cumberbatch and said she didn't know what Elementary was. My friend then replied that I hated Cumberbatch and didn't want to watch Sherlock "only" because he starred in it (both messages accompanied by an eye-roll emoji).

The stranger then asked how smn could hate Cumberbatch and said she just googled the show and went "wtf". My friend then replied "It's an ugly female Watson. And I'm into women, I know what I'm talking about."

The stranger then replied that she couldn't stand Lucy Liu and my friend replied with an over the top "thank you honey I love you for this statement" their conversation ended with the stranger saying that she had just done some research and that Elementary was basically blasphemy and my friend agreed saying she saw it on TV once and it made her want to throw the remote at the TV

that's the story, that pisses me off every time I remember it, bc like, a) beauty is subjective, yes. but i don't think lucy liu can in any way be considered ugly and b) my friend had literally found out she was a lesbian like a week ago. "i like women, ik what i'm talking abt" no, u don't?? it doesn't work like that obvs, but still you don't know what you're talking abt c) the stranger going "how can u dislike cumberbatch" and then in the next breath saying she can't stand lucy liu. ?? ? ??? girl. d) the stranger in general. like where did the audacity come from

i think the statement ("ugly female watson") stemmed from internalised misogyny (on friend's part) rather than racism, bc if watson is female then there is no possibility for a gay sherlock/watson ship, but tbh idk. anyways hope you enjoyed this story that pisses me off to no end

oh and pls also note that this friend was supposedly my best friend at the time and in love with me lol

ok first of all i need to hear the story of u dumping this woman as a friend bc that has got to be juicy too. wtf kind of friend is that.... insane. its insane there was a period in time where ppl act like women are crazy for seeing this demon being and not being interested in seeing more of him:

like he needs to go back to whatever planet he came from n leave us Real human beings alone... terrorizing us with his face is immoral.

also i felt the same about lucy liu but i have sth terrible to reveal... my girlfriend also thinks lucy liu is ugly :( she thinks its insane that im attracted to lucy liu. i think she even said lucy liu wouldnt be considered attractive in taiwan or sth. i feel like east asians have very different ideas of beauty bc this is not the first time i said an east asian woman was beautiful and east asians around me were like "wtf no!"

lastly if this is how she treats her best friend that shes in love with then im concerned over how she treats other ppl

[smoosnoom]

my dear moon smoosnoom,

u r a poet, u r an artist of the word, u’ll become unstoppable if u stop doubting urself.

i love the way u build tension. in ur works i can feel this thick electrified air. i can't even believe u were never in love bc u can write stuff like that. u r pure talent.

“It doesn’t make him a terrible person. Probably. Hopefully.” it doesn’t my sweet child 🫂

“Will, however, isn’t about to ruin this for himself, even if he feels on fire, for – unrelated reasons.” unrelated. sure.

“this is great, it really is, but breathing is also pretty nice, on occasion.” not when u r kis- [GUNSHOT]

“It’s a little Not Platonic” i cuddled with my friends a lot when i was 16. but i also kissed my friends a lot, so it probably doesn't count.

“He barely resists a shiver.” he's stronger than me because i couldn't resist

“lips brushing against Will’s skin” okay This is definitely not platonic

“Will thinks all the time” can’t relate 😔🙏🏻 my head is empty like 70% of time. it’s just the word love and elevator music out there

“so he’s not – dead, or something” it’s so funny 😭😭😭

“he strokes a thumb into Will’s side, shirt rumpling under the circular motion” and will still haven't shivered?? hes a soldier

it’s started with “Will could – do a lot of things, actually, but he’s sensible and respectable and he’s not thinking about doing anything at all” and when “yeah, I have thought about us kissing several times” and it’s ended with “A lot. I’ve thought about kissing you a lot»

“and it’s now that the bashfulness seems to hit him, when he’s met with Will’s bewildered stare.” it's just such a beautiful phrase im mesmerized

“smarter than he’s given credit for” mike has rocks in his brain, but all the answers r written on those rocks.

“like they often are, but it’s harder to deny it, because there’s nowhere to escape” will is oblivious one 🙏🏻

““I didn’t say that,” he mumbles, face on fire.” - u didn’t have 2 🫡

“Mike’s hand grips onto his arm just a little tighter” okay i didn't say anything the first time, but now i can't be silent. who doesn't want to touch those arms? im not even into buff guys but still

“Will thinks he might die if he never gets to have this again” now me too

““You should kiss me again,” […] “Now, preferably. Immediately.”” - i swear it’s me every time after i read ur fics

u r slowly making tame impala one of my favorite bands. i add every single one of their songs to my playlist.

and “shut up my mums calling” such a great song. ur music taste is as good as ur writing skills.

hmmm midnights. okay. i already mentioned “snow on the beach” but u r also “sweet nothing”. i listened to it a lot when i was writing u a poem :)

atp i don't even know if i should mention that i daily anon. i feel like im ready to reveal my identity just so i don't have to repeat it every time.

i hope u r having a great day whenever you read this (i hope all of ur days r great 🤍)

my lovely daily anon,

u are the sole reason for half my brain melting away in the mornings because How dare u drop this entire thing in my askbox and render me useless . what the Helll

at this point in my life ive stopped questioning how u Know things about me . im assuming i just . mentioned it somewhere sometime ago and u have the memory of an elephant Yes ive never been in love and it is crazy how u know that !!!!

will my insecure stringbean soup 🫶

definitely irrelevant reasons !!!!

HEEJLG9 😭

oh my god 😭 granted ive also cuddled and kisses my friends (On The Cheek btw .) but i also don't have the best sense for what is platonic or not so Um .

actually this is a great time to mention . how do ppl resists shivers bc i just can't help it It is out of my control yk . how do people have the willpower like that

the word love and elevator music 😭 mine is the jeapordy theme and an empty google doc </3

HELGLRP thank u so much . i wasn't trying to be funny i think . idont remember writing it if we are being 100% real rn

"he still hasn't shivered" 😭😭 i fully laughed oh my god

yeyeys the progression of him admitting his feelings !!! u are the Ideal reader actually im putting u in a glass case and onto my bookshelf . where U belong

imjust imagining a big boulder with the word HOMOSEXUALITY written on it in paint

"u didn't have 2" OHHHMY YOD u get it u get it

HETNTLFF UR SO REA LLL like . im not into Anyone like that but he would make a good stress ball i personally think .

mailing u a smooch rn 😚 using express mail it'll be there in a day ok don't worry

YAYYYYA I CHEERED im so happy u liked the music !!!!! that means the worlddd to me actually it rly rly does !!!!! thank u for even listening to it 🫶🫶

also m3ans the world 2 me bc u also have splendid music taste 🫡 ive liked everything u have shown me so far

sweet nothing ☹️ ill sob ohh my god thank u

my eyes and ears R so wide open it's crazy . what if u revealed ur super duper secret confidential hidden identity that would be ssoooo crazy and wild and im definitely not begging even a little 🙂

also i thinki have a pretty good handle on being able to tell if its u or not . u talk a certain way i think

it's always a good day when i hear from U !!!! i hope the non-university days are treating u well 🤍

[rupertgayesarchive]

That ask and your answer about what if Sam was out of hunting and never left Stanford because Gabriel wanted to stop the apocalypse and threw him into a pocket dimension and I’m like. Obsessed. primarily with gabriel and how Sam would go.

I think he would stick Sam in a like… you remember when Zachariah stuck sam and dean in the office job and it was a parallel universe but also it was real life? like coplanar planes, I think Gabriel would elect to do that instead of his you’re going in my alternate universe, because it’s less detail consuming and I think Sam would notice small things that were off like how he figured out it was him in mystery spot.

You said Sam deserves to have the apple pie life but if he was comfortable with that it wouldn’t like.. work he wouldn’t be ready to ever confront Lucifer or anyone. i agree but also I don’t think he would stick with his normal life. like in the zachariah episode he had a normal life and fake memories of that but he still wanted to hunt and help people and also figure out wtf was happening. I think in this scenario Sam would still be psychic because I love that but Gabriel would probably try like… suppressing his visions and such, because they would lead him back into possible angel business. I think he’d still get little snippets because that’s fun and having reminders in that that the supernatural like.. exists and ppl are getting hurt, I think that would overrule his want of complete normalcy and even his spite toward John.

I don’t think he’d go back into hunting like, completely because I want him to have something good and also be semi well adjusted. but like we saw in the terrible life episode I think he’d like.. if he got bored and started looking up strange deaths well now he has to go help them!!

also it is sooo fun to me if he starts realizing something is wrong but he doesn’t know what. like in mystery spot I love that trope sooo fucking much also in s1 sam gets back into hunting through John Winchester style revenge quest and I want to give him a reason to start poking around that is like.. for himself and not anybody else. he can have a little obsession over it as a treat because i like seeing him be a bitch <3

i think initially when Gabriel found out the apocalypse was like in motion and Sam was at Stanford he’d have an opportunity there to do something without revealing to other players that he is alive because he was pretending to be a trickster. like he’s very much in this for self preservation and if he did some time traveling shenanigans, or disappearing both Winchesters and maybe even Adam out of nowhere, I think he’d worry that the angels would take notice. Randy your vessels!! But Stanford gives him a natural window to hide a key player. he needs to do away with Adam too so Lucifer can’t possibly have a true vessel to fight.. maybe he can kill him in a freak accident because I find that funny. sorry this is long and it will be getting longer

anyway I think as time went on Gabriel would pay like less meticulous attention. he’d still keep away like key players but as other people also started trying to stop the apocalypse he would become more relaxed also he’d be overconfident in himself like in changing channels. I think this would lead sam to notice more stuff that just doesn’t make any sense and maybe start looking for dean or even his dad, or going out of his way to look for hunts. maybe get involved in magic because i think he deserves to be a witch. wait actually that’s how he should find Dean. i think Gabriel would hide Dean from Sam and vice versa, and he didn’t foresee Sam using magic or anything. Also at this point it’s been years and I think Sam is more invested in this than his like… normal life. he’s more well adjusted but I can definitely see him just impulsively quitting his job to figure out what the fucks happening. Also I think he’d feel animosity at dean during this for not being there and not helping him, even though that anger doesn’t make complete sense. sorry i like the early seasons salmon dean reconciling and learning to like each other and sam realizing Your Parents Are People and I would like to see it with them having like, completely different lives and also some fun miscommunication bc of Gabriel. also sam having to reconcile dean having cas OHRHDHJ also dean and cas trying horribly to cover cas being not human is so fucking fun to me. unless this happens during a cas is dead time period which is fun in a different evil way.

I also think dean would only stop looking if he though Sam was dead, but I think… Gabriel might have hidden him but other people ARE still meeting him even with like altered memories. so I think angels or something can sense that Sam is alive but they don’t know where and I think they’d gloat and use it to taunt dean that he is like.. suffering while his brother is living a perfect normal life. Also because this adds another miscommunication that can be discussed and end in reconciliation in a way I don’t think would feel contrived and is in line with it the characters. it’d be Amelia s8 but Sam would be like (Sam voice) I did look for you!!! where were you when I needed you! also I want Sam to find out John died and he’s in absolute despair while cas is standing there like oh yes that’s so awful your father was an. absolutely a man😔😐🏳️‍🌈

idk when this would occur and i think every season offers like… different flavors of enjoyment for an audience of just me. like s7 proto widower arc?? Sam reconnecting with Dean during TMWWBK when he is not familiar with the dean and cas dynamic and has to be witness to Trying So Hard To Be Loyal. additionally that would be fun because bobby is there and dean is like, covering his ears and back talking bobby regarding cas. and if they’ve taken pains to hide cas being an angel Sam being like .who is this to Dean. is suchhh a fun concept.

WAIT post goodbye stranger. or maybe Sam can show up pre goodbye stranger to watch dean go from clingy after cas gets back from purgatory to wrongfooted to like ANGRY. well not Angry… to dean having dean emotions. when cas is off with the tablet ignoring him and he feels betrayed. and this Sam isn’t as close to him so he doesn’t know ANY details until Dean stats divulging them as they reconcile. ALL GOOD OPTIONS..

also if this happens during s6 i think it would be nice if cas started collecting allies, and at the same time as Sam trying to figure out what was keeping him away from dean and the angel business Cas could figure it out FIRST and use Gabriel as an ally against Raphael but he’d feel like he has to hide it from dean and sam. like in this scenario. actually any time I talk about s6 hypotheticals Cas’ conflict IS the A Plot. the Winchester’s were on a side quest idc. s6 is a fun time for these reasons but i don’t like it as much because Cas is still in the process of like.. formative development.

okay one last thing I’m SOOO sorry for my essay. you said if Sam was dispossessed the apocalypse would just.. not happen. i agree to like, a certain degree, because I do think they could have found another way but all of them would have been dust compared to swan song. so maybe Gabriel semi succeeded but instead of stopping the apocalypse he just… prolonged it. this changes a lot but if either Michael or Lucifer didn’t have a viable vessel I think the angels would scramble to actually for real stop the apocalypse but others would still want it to happen even if it was like.. Perfect they just want it to be over. this provides angel politics which I am in love with and we can still have like TMWWBK development for cas. I don’t know where I’m going with this sorry

op this is a lot, this is so much. i love it, i hope you have a google doc open somewhere and are typing away furiously.

now i didn't rewatch a lot of spn past s3 (surprise) in part bc i can't handle the brain damage and some scenes are seared into my cerebral cortex in a way that induced a temporary bout of eidetic memory, meaning i'll never forget the crypt scene in Goodbye Stranger for as long as i live. that being SAID, my s6-s7 knowledge is not as firmly coalesced. so because of that i'm letting your thoughts roam free as i don't know how accurate my own takes would be? but i feel like without sam there, like... hm. would dean even be the same person... would the past however many seasons even OCCUR remotely similar with sam out of the picture for literal years? we might be looking at a completely different world at that point.

my other theory is that the s2 plot of special children - we know azazel was raising a new 'crop' of psychic kids. i think that was a plot thread that they ended up dropping anyway, but if they didn't i do wonder if we'd be dealing with a lot more shenanigans like in s1 and s2 except with kids? and dean and cas trying to figure out what to do with these young psychics that might be turned into a vessel for lucifer or - whatever they wanted to do with those kids. hm.

i also question if purgatory would be a thing. like it probably would come up and be on the table, but maybe the godstiel arc wouldn't, bc if like you're saying dean and cas are together at this point, like. cas might have grown to love humanity (not just dean but like 99% dean) to the point where he might not be doing this risky gambit for more souls. and if gabriel is still around, cas may start petitioning gabe to help throw his archangel weight around against raphael while he tries to do the actual strategizing.

i think sam would still have his visions, like you said, and then maybe those lead him to dean or to a case that dean is also on? or if angels are more well-known later on, he tracks one down, maybe cas, maybe not (if it's NOT and it's one that works on raphael's side. ohoho. the possibilities...)

[jadedadultritsu]

(hope am not bothering) So like I looked up Birth flowers for January and October (wangxian's bday months) and idk if mxtx did it on purpose but the symbolisms of their birth flowers describes their personalities v accurately and if mxtx did assigned their birthday months like that on purpose they are an absolute genius (sorry if my words don't make sense I'm not very articulate but I need to infodump on some1 so am sorry)

You're not bothering me at all! Why would you think that. 😟😖😭

If anything, this is an opportunity for me to put my research skills into practice and I’m gonna go grab whatever. Also, this is actually an interesting question! :O I will do my best to answer this. So first off, I’ve consulted google if there is a similar ask from before bc 1) we don’t want a duplicate work 2) in case there’s already an existing ask, cross-referencing would be pretty nice :D 3) my memory fails me if I did see interpretations of WangXian birth flowers before, I think I did but I guess it got lost in the v. depths of the internet lmao. So if we looked up at the same site, there isn’t much to interpret actually. But I can def connect it to some events all across adaptions with a few takes haha. 

Ok ok, so here it goes:

For Lan Wangji: January - Carnations & Snowdrops

DUDE, both flowers can bloom in the cold winter months?! And this characteristic is RARE? HELL YES! These flowers are insane, they are to be envied by other flowers they should start shedding off their own petals by now lol (lemme at least personify them). You know who else could withstand such unbearable cold weather?

Him and HIM.

Carnations are also easy to spot bc of its bright color (pretty pretty boy Hanguang-jun in the crowd isn’t smth you see everyday).

Snowdrops symbolizes hope and rebirth. LWJ had hoped countless times already for different things but it’s not like it’s all directed solely for himself. LWJ isn’t a one-dimensional character who exists just to complement (or contrast) WWX’s chara. Remember the line Hanguang-jun being “wherever the chaos is”. I believe some ppl rlly wondered why LWJ didn’t take his own life if he truly loved WWX? (wtf is that even). Who wants another vers. of Romeo and Juliet? He wished to carry on bc of their oaths (paper lantern scene in CQL) and to ward off evil. Plus, WWX’s promise aligns to that of LWJ’s moral values so he HOPED to get them fulfilled as much as possible, prolly 'til his last breath. Ppl keep forgetting that LWJ is an individual too, while I could understand and relate when ppl see them as a single unit mostly. Song Lan still carried on with night-hunting with XXC and AQ’s souls HOPING he could mend them along the way. I'd say that "if he dies, I die too" death trope is so boring now, I could dieeee myself, sir. JC didn't dismiss the possibility of WWX reincarnating. So LWJ must've his fair share of hope that WWX would reincarnate anytime in his lifetime. He's not gonna pursue love anywhere else. It can only be WWX. LWJ's rule-abiding nature loosened significantly during the Nightless City incident. Post-burial mounds siege, he didn't completely cut himself off from the sect affairs, but he did engage with them minimally. That, my friend, is his own vers. of rebirth (a.k.a. character dev't)

Snowdrops are well-known for being droopy-shaped flowers. I interpret this as, although esteemed and ppl have high regards for him, HGJ could still humble himself inspite of the facts.

For Wei Wuxian: October - Marigold & Cosmos

Marigolds’ vibrant color says a lot abt October babies huh. Marigolds symbolize fierce love, passion and creativity. Fierce love for family? Burning passion for knowledge? Need I say more? Creativity idk why but the first thing that popped up in my mind is paper man Wuxian since he’s the only one shown to use that ability. WWX also strives to think outside of the box by thinking of a fourth method in LQR’s quest abt dealing with the resentful executioner’s ghost. I recall a tumblr user saying how WWX is a nerd locking himself up in the Demon-Slaughtering Cave performing experiments, inventing demonic tools, and whatnot. So he wasn’t merely a mischief-maker all along lmao. "Marigolds also have a long tradition of being used medicinally to heal inflammation and skin problems” - sure, if transferring the cursed mark from JL’s leg to your own leg would count lol.

Cosmos flowers represent peace and tranquility. Although loud most of the time, he can read and sense any f up situation and can appreciate peace at times and as needed. “They also attract bees, so are a great flower to grow to draw pollinators to your garden!” dkdnfkdnfdk LWJ is the bee. <3

So you’ve finally reached the end, I applaud you. Congrats and thank you for keeping up with me this far. Now let’s get to the real quest, did MXTX assign the birth months to her chara’s on purpose with that basis in mind? Was it purely coincidence? I vote for the latter. If I were a Danmei author and I wanted to assign a birth month for the stoic-faced and icy personality chara, I’d conveniently assign a winter month. Same goes for WWX. Since WWX shifted to the heretic and wicked path, I, too, would conveniently assign him a birthday near Halloween. Surely, the birth flowers interpreters have also given this a lot of thought associating the corresponding flowers accordingly to the seasons while meticulously considering the characteristics of these flowers.

[transxfiles]

oh my god. 

so i was looking through my old notes documents, right?? bc i suddenly realized while going to draft a list of all the weird ass shit that happened in scooby-doo canon (remember when shaggy had an alien girlfriend???? @HANNAH-BARBERA HEY REMEMBER WHEN SHAGGY HAD AN ALIEN GIRLFRIEND????? I MISS HER BRING HER BACK) and i realized i haven’t actually deleted any notes since like fourth grade??? so i started going through and just deleting all of these random ass notes i didn’t need anymore and i read some of the poetry i wrote in like fifth grade (some of it was like. so godawful but one of them was actually so go it made me cry?? anyway) and also a list of other people’s library card numbers (idk why they gave them to me but they’re mine now time to download some free music amiright) and i found a note document titled

and a flashback hit me like a brick in the face and suddenly i was back in fourth grade in that godawful cafeteria (they’ve gotten rid of it now thank god made a new one the old one was straight up fucking nasty anyway) and i was watching price (yeah that was his name yes you heard me right yes it was price yes and we also had a kid in our class named worth and in fifth grade a girl named banks joined our school we had the whole set for a solid year before worth and price both left and then banks also left anyway) and i could hear eliza and kelsey gossiping about whatever it was that had to do with him and i could see him walk towards us and say “hey what’re you talking abt” bc he KNEW what was going on but he was also an asshole so ???? and i remember being the new kid and adrenaline fucking flowing through my veins 24/7 and standing up out of my seat and pushing aside my lumpy-green-mud-that-was-supposed-to-be-beans food in the lunch tray and saying “we were talking abt The Food :)” and he was like “??????” and eliza and kelsey were like “????????” and i was like “The Food!” and winked at eliza and kelsey or smthn and i was like “they’re a european band, you probably haven’t even heard of them” and he was like “oh really. what are some of their songs.” and i just fucking. started listing whole ass albums and the most batshit part was that the two girls joined in and he actually bought it and he was like “hm okay, but i’m gonna ask other ppl abt it and google it on my mommy’s computer when i get home,” and i thought ‘oh fuck.’

the two girls asked me what that was about and i explained that i lied to save them, but that we would have to get a lot of other people on our side if we wanted the lie to carry through. 

somehow we ended up recruiting all fo the girls in the class and some of the boys, too, and we held secret meetings in the fantasy books section (the bougie ones that only older kids and bitches with high lexiles were allowed to read, like warrior cats and molly moon) and we came up with an entire canon of the food including the names of the band members and their tragic backstories (there was one named blue - the keyboard player- and one named sphynx - lead guitar and vocals - that sorta thing) and they all wore brown paper bags over their heads when they performed and we wrote songs for them and one of the girls even borrowed her brother’s laptop and built like??? a fucking WEBSITE for this made-up band and we even got ann-marie and the horse girls in on it and that one girl who roleplayed warrior cats on the playground too and we had them all talk about it bc this boy we were trying to trick was an ass and they all decided ‘welp we’re fourth graders and maybe we’re also assholes but like. this guy deserves it i guess” and the poor sucker didn’t even realize The Food wasn’t real until one fateful day in the sixth grade while we were on the bus in the middle of one bus war 2.

[uwumessenger]

Hey, could you do RFA and V reacting to MC who turns into a dog for one day? weird I know lol

yes!! and sorry for taking oh so long fjdjndnd if u see dis i hope u enjoy eht

let's assume u do understand english as a dog and dont think in dog language. also this is super silly haha i had a lot of fun with it while trying to make it realistic!

+ btw since some ppl asked, yes my requests are open ! im just going in order so feel free to continue sending them in !! i only have 5 requests in my inbox now as of 5/11/2020 so ill get around to yours soon :)

Yoosung

when he wakes up and cant find you he immediately panics

calls your name and lifts anything that can be lifted to find you

he even checks the fridge!! wink wonk

when he finally quiets down and hears your barking he goes into panic mode AGAIN

when he finally finds you (as a dog) his mind begins racing

wait...is it our anniversary?!?!!! what exact day did MC join RFA again? um um is it my birthday? is it MC's BIRTHDAY???

ignores you and does a group call with zen and seven, trying to figure out what is happening

seven verifies that it is not a day of any importance

poor yoosung is just SO CONFUSED

but how do u even tell someone u transformed into a dog

i dont think yoosung would ever find out you turned into a dog

everyone would help with searching for you, and of course panic again bc the way you met them was lit rally bc u walked into your own kidnapping

yoosung is the physical embodiment of panic

but he takes care of you normally (LUCKILY HE DOESNT TURN YOU INTO THE POUND OR SOMETHING–)

when u turn human after 24 hours you explain EVERYTHING

and now he feels better

Zen

a few nights ago, zen had a psychic dream that you turned into a dog so

he brushed it off as a nightmare and his symptoms appeared bc the AC was broken and it was extra hot that night

but when he woke up and opened his eyes to a whole ass dog next to him

he FREAKED OUT

at first he didnt know what was going on but then he remembered his dream

so he tells you to bark once for yes and twice for no

are you MC?

bark!!!

are you hungry?

bark!!!

this goes on for 25 more minutes until you stop cooperating and trot away

hes very glad that at least youre not a cat

he feeds you and allows you to go do your potty business outside by yourself then cleans up after ur finished

he doesnt want you to be alone with nothing to do while hes at rehearsals so he asks yoosung to watch you!

but doesnt tell yoosung it's you lol

when he comes back he just chills w/ u until ur back to your ol' human self :')

Jaehee

initially she'd be pretty calm, thinking that you had to leave early to go do something

but after checking her phone every 2 seconds and searching every nook and cranny yet not recieving a text/finding a note from you, she begins to panic

she calls all the others, wondering if they knew where you were or what you were up to

no one knew what was going on so everyone panics!!!!

tbh she forgot about dog MC until u start scratching her

eventually jaehee starts considering the idea of u turning into a dog....but....what are the odds...

after trying everything you could think of to tell her it's really you, you realize that she wont catch on

after shes done getting ready for work she starts to wonder how to care for you

eventually decides on just bringing you in to work and hiding you the whole day

luckily jumin had back to back meetings so he wouldnt have any time to check in on what jaehee was doing

she tries to feed you something you absolutely hate and when you refuse to eat it she says

wow, MC hates eating these too

you wag your tail, jump, can dogs nod? if so you nod your head, etc etc trying to tell her that IT IS ME IT IS MC!!!'sisj@;!/&:&82

wait...there's no way. am i crazy or did you turn into a dog?

jaehee decides to bring you home instead of turning you into a shelter just in case

when you turn human again you guys strategize a plan, should this ever happen to either of you again haha

Jumin

when he wakes up and sees you (as a dog) and elizabeth playing he thinks hes still sleeping

intense eye rubbing

he calls for you and you keep running to him

but he doesnt understand :c

similar to yoosung, he double checks to see if it was a significant date or anything

now he starts to panic

on the RFA panic scale, he is at the tippity top eue

calls off from work and calls for all the help he can get

you can communicate with elizabeth i guESS so she helps you communicate with jumin

jumin looks crazy as hell rn with a cat and dog on his bed, trying to talk to them

elizabeth points at you then points at your jacket on a chair 900 times and then jumin finally connects the dots!!!

oH SO MC TURNED INTO A DOG???

you and elizabeth are like ugh oh my gosh finally

jumin calls off all the emergency protocol stuff and simply chills with you and elizabeth until youre back to your human body

now you and elizabeth have a stronger bond...how beautiful.

707/Saeyoung

luckily seven has security cameras, so when he sees you in dog form, youre sitting at his computer

the cctv footage of you somehow transforming into a dog plays and hes like oh what how is that eVEN POSSIBLE?

downloads the cctv footage to save it forever

unfortunately no dog food or anything there so he feeds you whatever is in the fridge and okay for dogs to eat

he has his fun, taking photos of you and imitating paris hilton

when vanderwood walks in to check on him, seven cant stop laughing as he explains the situation

he shares all of his photos with the rfa chat and no one believes him

and then he stops and starts thinking

??? MC are you naked? like when we sleep and you transform back....are you gonna be naked?

oh my gOSH

unlike the others he doesnt stay up and goes to sleep with you

whatever u do, do not let seven make a birthday slideshow of u </3

V

V would freak out, but definitely try to communicate with you as a dog before doing the absolute most

checks for human you everywhere, and when he realizes youre nowhere, he begins to consider the fact that you may have turned into a dog

googles it

he questions you, like zen does, and begins to think hes going insane

he texts you, just in case human you did go out and forgot to tell him

but while texting he scrolled up and saw a text you sent him a day ago while you were shopping

"if i were a worm would you still love me"

he picks you up and sits with you on the couch

worm, dog, human...i love you regardless. but not in an immoral and weird way. :)

spends the rest of the day taking you out to do dog things

like walking at the park and taking cute photos of you

at the end of the day he actually showers you, and talks to you until you both fall asleep

when u guys wake up he says,

i didnt waste $17 on dog shampoo for nothing...why dont we go out and get a real dog now?

yES LETS DO THAT

[y-kihyun-archive]

rules: answer 10 questions, tag 10 mutuals to answer 10 questions you write

tagged by @memehyungwon​, tysm!! ur questions are so interesting lol, i already know i’m gonna write way too much for each question so i’m putting my answers under the readmore 😂💗

1. what book would you recommend to me and why?

oh no all the books i’ve read recently were for school LOL 👁👄👁 but “orfeo” by richard powers is good if u like scifi ! it’s like somewhere between scifi, magical realism, mystery, drama & it’s about the significance of music which 🥺🙌

2. what is a hobby you loved doing as a kid that some may think is dumb?

omg i used to try to sew clothes for my american girl doll but they just looked like sacks HAHAHA

3.  if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

y’know... i don’t feel any real desire to know a Deep Universal Truth™️... i would probably just ask the ball if/who i’d be married to... like.. not to be single and lonely in quarantine... lol....... haha jk.. unless...?

4. what movie trope do you think you fit best?

not to be y/n but i WANT to be y/n LOL 😭 when will a hot, cocky, rich man with like idk daddy issues or smth sweep me off my feet at my corporate desk job so we can go on a quirky & life-changing romcom adventure to fix each other??

5. what’s a common misconception people have of you?

👁👄👁 in high school everyone thought i was just Nice, Quiet, Smart Asian Girl #2349054 (the one who draws anime boys in her journals and does math good or whatever) but i am not sure about now ? i think ppl in my social circle assume a lot of things about me bc i’m friends w/ @vsfakelove 😯 (ex: ppl think i’m on leadership in the uni club we’re all a part of bc she is, but i most definitely am Not)

6. who would be on your dream concert line up? (no limit for the amount of artists. you decide)

EASY PEASY: monsta x, rich brian, glass animals, cold war kids !! the first 3 i’d give an arm & a leg to hear/see live, their concerts looks like so much fun, and w/ cwk i just love their music so much ;;

7. would you rather be able to travel back in time or would you rather travel to the future but you’d never remember what you saw?

TRAVEL BACK IN TIME TO THE PAST but specifically to when there were dinosaurs, i would like to observe a dinosaur to see how close paleontologists’ reconstructions are :O

8.  Your house is on fire. You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. What’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno? (family and pets are safe so don’t worry)

not to be boring but my laptop 😭😭😭 i need to replace my phone soon anyway, my phone can perish... most everything i own is p replaceable, it’s just stuff !! 🤷🏻‍♀️

9. what’s the funniest thing you ever heard said about you?

AAHH one time we were playing that weird ellen app (psych) and the question for me was “what would be the first result when you google chelle” and 😭😭😭 @vsfakelove wrote “an article from the local newspaper with the headline ‘local teen found lost in park after following a man claiming to be lee jooheon’”

10.  what one song that without fail WILL make you cry? why?

uhh i think “dreamland” by glass animals... sometimes it gives me the urge to cry; it’s a rly pretty & sort of sad/dreamy (haha) song, and i listened to it obsessively on repeat when it first dropped bc that was also the day i got rly bad news 😬 so a lot of associations going on oof

my questions:

what’s the worst thing you’ve ever eaten?

describe your aesthetic as pretentiously as you can!

would you marry your bias? why/why not?

what’s your favorite myth?

what’s your favorite meal?

what is your idea of true happiness?

if your life was a movie, what song would play during the opening credits?

if you were a dinosaur, what dinosaur would you be?

where’s your favorite place to hang out/visit?

what do you HAVE to have on you when you go out?

tagging: @vsfakelove @kyunsies @kihyunsgf @fantascia @burnitupmp3 @kebinwooo @kihynnie @ckyunoirs @zit @shownudeluxe​ but as always no pressure, sry if you’ve already been tagged, and feel free to ignore !!

[flowergrave]

hi... is it ok if i vent? so like, I've been following this girl for years on here and it's not like we were mutuals or anything but i loved her aesthetic and looked forward to her posts and i kind of forgot for a while and a few months ago i was unfollowing inactive blogs and i saw hers and i thought like, oh did she make a new one?? so i lowkey lurked her blog and ended up googling her name and finding out she died and it really threw me for a loop. it's hard to explain how it feels 1/3

2/3 bc I never knew her and she never knew me and all I knew was this tiny aspect of her personality online but it really hit me hard for a while and even now i find myself thinking of her or seeing something that reminds me of her and i wonder if there's anyone else who remembers her online or if her mutuals found out or even what she'd be doing now after college and it feels wrong because i didnt know her or her real life struggles but i miss the small part of her mind and her interests

3/3 that she shared online. it's weird to think how she brightened my day and didnt know it and i feel weird missing someone i never truly knew but it makes me realize that there are so many people in the world who you touch in ways you never thought you could so i dont know... somewhere out there there are people who dont even know you but have felt your warmth in some way and i wish i could tell everyone who has made me feel that how much i appreciate them before it's too late and i just </3

ofc it's ok to vent, it means a lot that u even feel comfortable coming to me abt this. im so sorry you're hurting rn bc of this loss, i can only imagine :( i don't think your grief is strange or wrong at all- i would also be devastated if i found out the person running one of my favorite blogs passed away. we get so close to people here who share our niche interests and have similar traumas and dreams and emotions. this little space on the internet we carve for ourselves that makes us feel less alone. even though you never knew her in real life, these blogs are often a reflection of our truest selves especially because it's easier to be honest here behind a screen than it is in real life. and i feel like it's even more special that you saw and cared for her, even just the fragments of her soul she revealed online, and it impacted you enough to grieve for her. and even if it hurts, there is something so sacred in remembering those who are gone because as cliche as it is- she'll live on in your thoughts and actions, and in the way you think abt and interact with ppl. she left a tangible imprint on this reality through you and surely so many others, to me that is something larger than life. i just want to add that the sentiment extends to you as well- there are people who care about you from a distance and your existence brings a glow of sunlight into their life, even if you don't know about it. it's something even i don't always think about either and this makes me also want to remind those i love how much i appreciate them as well. i hope you're taking care of yourself, and im here for u if i can help in any way <3 sending all my love

[hwangskz]

in another life (pt. 1) | soulmate! minho

part 1 of the uwma! au series !!!! i was so excited to get this up bcs, if u hadn't realised alrdy, i LOVE uwma with my entire heart :( (ps if any of u watch any bls or even just uwma pls hmu thank u) and pls read this post b4 or after ur done reading this fic so u don't get confused in the next part!! +++ tw suicide !

• "y/n….do u like him?"

• ur automatically reminded of the time u first met

• u remember it as clear as day

• u both had taken film as ur major and on the first day, ur college held a lil gathering

• u picked up the nearest headband and read it's label

• 'belle'

• so….were u supposed to find ur beast now???? JSGSSHE THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID

• BUT UR RUNNING OUT OF TIME !!!!!!

• "10 seconds to find ur partner!!!!"

• u looked around bcs u were NOT standing in front of that huge crowd, later trying to find ur partner

• when a boy caught ur eyes

• he stood on the side, his hand limply holding the blue headband as he looked around

• and he looked ?? sad :( ??

• "last 5 seconds!!!"

• u turned around one last time and ?? EVERYONE HAD FOUND THEIR PARTNERS ALREADY??

• so u RAN towards that boy

• and caught him off guard as u pulled him down to sit on the ground as the announcer continued talking and giving out future tasks 

• "hey."

• "???"

• wow this boy is worse than YOU at communicating

• "are u sure we're partners??"

• "..."

• "right, yea. i was the one who dragged u..haha..sorry.."

• so u pulled his hand up to view his headband

• 'prince adam'

• u probably looked really confused rn bcs u just made the guy speak up

• "beast."

• u looked up, OBVIOUSLY confused

• this new voice box working??? wonder whose it is

• ":o huh?????"

• he sighed and held it up for u

• thank u nameless boy bcs ur hands kinda WERE getting tired JDKHD

• "prince adam is the real name of the prince in disney's beauty and the beast."

• ":OOO REALLY???? wait but how do u know"

• "..... google?"

• "... RIGHT sorry haha"

• even after the lil gathering ended and u got to go to ur class

• ur mind was still thinking abt the guy

• u probably didn't even notice u had entered the class w that DULL ASS look until

• "ouc- WHO THE F-???????"

• "still in ur dreams?? lmao dumbass"

• ":O SHIN RYUJIN"

• "this group needed the following of a sane person so im here too. hello to u too, y/n"

• "MISS YEJI??? PEOPLE THAT I KNOW AND CHERISH????? ˚‧º·(˚ ˃̣̣̥᷄⌓˂̣̣̥᷅ )‧º·˚ OMG HELLO TO U TOO"

• and there it was, once again, ryujin trying to get ur over affectionate ass off of her as yeji laughs 

• well iN UR DEFENSE, U MISSED UR BEST FRIENDS AND MEETING NEW PEOPLE TERRIFIES U

• and when u take a seat

• u can't help but follow the movements of the boy who enters the class

• his moves aren't rushed; they seem calm. too calm.

• and that's when u hear all the whispers around u

• "is that blood on his shirt? is he already following in his dad's footsteps?"

• ‘what footsteps?’

• "i heard he dragged his partner today for the freshman gathering today?"

• ‘but i was the one who dragged him..then how-’

• "y/n?"

• "h-huh?" 

• yeji's third call woke u up from ur train of thoughts

• "are u ok?"

• "yea.. i'm fine. dw!!"

• "see i told u they’re thinking abt their fantasy boys and/or girls again it's fine"

• "WH- EXCUSE ME I DON'T FANTASISE!!!!!"

• "yes y/n l/n i totally believe that"

• "SHUT UP RYUJIN"

• ur group's laughters echo in the room, along w the other friend groups'

• except for that boy who now sits in front of u

• u wonder if he's waiting for his friends

• but they never seem to show up

• even though it's alrdy been over 5 months now

• and that pretty boy in front of u is DISTRACTING u from the lesson (๑•ૅㅁ•๑) !!!!!

• and this one particular day..yeji and ryujin were absent..

• so u were kinda lonely anyways

• and hearing ppl continue to whisper abt that guy..it made u wanna talk to him again

• u don't know exactly why ?? but u did

• so u gathered up ur stuff from ur desk

• and sat at the desk next to his

• and immediately u could hear the whispers getting a bit louder

• and he ducked his head and turned towards u

• and u decided to ignore those words, and looked at him, with a bright smile on ur face

• "don't worry about them. i'm here now."

• it was something abt u

• something abt those words that made him feel some type of way

• he took in a deep breath as he looked down and then looked at u again

• "......thank you, i guess"

• u nodded and he turned towards his work

• a small smile on his face

• he had found someone

• "so?"

• ryujin asked u, bringing u back from ur flashback

•"yea..i think so.."

• yeji and ryujin sighed

• ur mind : ALERT

• IS IT BAD??? THAT U LIKE HIM???? (๑´╹‸╹`๑) ??

• "y/n...do u not know abt him..?"

• "(o゜ー゜o)??"

• they share a Look and turn towards u, worried looks on their faces

• OK YEA IT PROBABLY IS,,

• "he's the son of a mafia... that's why ppl talk abt him in such..hushed tones..and basically isolate him"

• "and look y/n..we know that isolating him is truly bad, but maybe get a little away? from him? what if u get involved in smthg bad?"

• u...ur honestly a lil shocked

• not fully by the news that his dad is a mafia

• but by the fact that they think something bad can happen when ur with him

• with HIM

• "but it's his dad who is a mafia. he's not at all like that !! he's a bit shy, and is just scared to express himself. and don't worry, yeji. i am not going to get myself in trouble"

• they muttered an "okay" and leaned back against their chairs again

• "but wait.."

• ryujin spoke up again

• "when did u even hangout w him? enough to, well, get feelings for him?"

• "uh well..that day both of u were absent, i went and sat w him in class..then shared some of my lunch w him when i saw him on the rooftop..and kind of having been bringing him lunch and staying w him..during that time.."

• they laughed, and u could feel the tension easing away

• "never knew y/n's a dom lmao"

• "they seem like a switch tho"

• "SHUT UP"

• and so u did join the guy 

• (who's name u had learned to be lee minho)

• whenever u found him to be lonely

• and even tho minho seemed to be against the whole idea of u joining him all the time

• trust me he's a whole softie inside

• he just ;;;; he gets so happy whenever u come by

• and not just bring him lunch

• and not only during lunch breaks

• but all the time

• whenever he passes by u

• u always greet him, and 

• wave at him and u just feel like a shield from everyone and all the bad things everyone says and he just

• he can't thank u enough

• but it's not just that

• and he knows that

• even when he sees u coming towards him in the library

• sneaking in some food bcs it IS lunch

• so technically u ARE supposed to bring him food

• "hey !! :D"

• u take the chair in front of him

• and take out the food, both of urs, and shove his one towards him

• "WHY-"

• minho shushes u and u turn around to look if u made anyone else angry

• and perhaps...... u DID.... AJSBBE

• so u just duck ur head as an apology and the furious students go back to studying

• "why are u studying rn???? it's lunch!!!!!"

• "ok and??"

• "rest is important!!"

• "what makes u think i haven't rested enough alrdy?"

• "well i've seen u w the book the ENTIRE DAY ??"

• minho sighs, but then perks his head up

• "u..u watch me..?"

• "!! im not a STALKER-"

• minho shushes u again and ur pretty sure the other students r staring daggers at u rn JDVSJE

• "-im not a stalker,, ur in my class.. right in front of me.."

• minho chuckles silently at ur words

• "sure"

• u were flustered until u realised u just

• u just made the biggest tsundere chuckle

• c h u c k l e

• "did u just …….. chuckle at me…….."

• minho looked down, scared to meet ur eyes bcs shit ur rite

• "no…….what makes u think that………"

• u giggle at his failed attempt to delete that successful moment from ur memory

• minho smiles a little

• he was so happy

• even tho it was abt u

• even tho u had made it CRYSTAL CLEAR that u like him

• like at random times u would be like

• "damn i can't believe i fell for u"

• or

• "oh good lord!! i always try to hangout w the guy i like but he pretends to not like spending time with me!!!!!!! what did i do to deserve this !!!!!!"

• and in these situations what does minho do??

• LAUGH .

• he LAUGHS

• just a bit bcs he's still under that tsundere cover JSGSJSB

• but like !!!!!!! in his defense !!!!!!!

• HE DIDNT KNOW IF U TRULY MEANT IT !!!!!!!

• MAYBE U LIKE HIM JUST AS A FRIEND !!!!!!!!!!!!

• AND HE DIDN'T WANT TO RUIN THIS FRIENDSHIP !!!!!!!!

• that too w his first ever friend..................

• little did he know he was truly so engrossed in his thoughts that he had stopped eating and had been staring at the sky above for like ??? more than 5 mins now ??

• "MINHO ???????"

• he flinched and moved away a bit at the sound of ur voice suddenly piercing his thoughts

• "w-what"

• "bitch i thought u died or smthg...u have been staring above for so long pretty sure some flies even touched ur food and it's now UNHYGIENIC"

• his eyes met urs and, as if he got some idea, he suddenly kept his lunch box away to look at u

• "wait im pretty sure the flies didn't sit on the food!!!! it was a joke-"

• minho exhaled loudly before he spoke

• "y/n?"

• "yes…?"

• "can i ask u smthg…..?"

• "sure!!"

• minho inhaled sharply before continuing

• "do u ever feel uncomfortable? when ur with me?"

• u thought for a while, before giving him a smile and answering him

• "why would i? idk if ur referring to the rumors here...or if they're supposed to be involved here but...they don't affect me. firstly, i don't even know if ur dad truly is a part of the mafia-"

• "he is."

• minho was staring at u intently, wondering how u'll respond to this

• "well, uh, nice for him? i guess? but it's him right? not u? then there's nothing to worry about."

• minho shook his head as he tried to look anywhere but at u

• "but what if u ever get in trouble? bcs of me?"

• "that's on me. not u. and if it's through u, or if u ever get in trouble or smthg-"

• u picked his hand up, holding it tightly, which seemed to catch him off guard

• "-i will protect u."

• he could do nothing but give u a soft smile, before turning his head away

• and so did u bcs damn y/n since when did u become so confident huh JDVSJE

• so u decided to go for it

• "y/n, will u be my partne-"

• u gently pecked his lips before moving away real QUICK JSGEJE

• WAS HE ABT TO CONFESS ???????????

• WHY ARE HIS EYES WIDENED LIKE THAT?????????? DID U

• OH NO U DID SOMETHING WRONG DIDN'T U

• "i-i'm sorry….i didn't mean to-"

• and u looked up in time, only to see minho leaning in, before he connected his lips to urs

• it was a slow kiss

• it took u a while to get the fact into ur head that he's right here

• he is kissing u

• and so u snaked ur arms across his shoulders, as he held u tight, even closer

• and when u both pulled away

• both of u were flushed red

• and it did feel kinda quiet so u just

• "damn im glad we have lunch on the rooftop, huh"

• minho chuckled as he moved away

• "kinda ….. yes"

• and so for the next months u continued to tease him with this JDGSJS

• even tho yall are technically dating now uwu

• but he never tells u he likes u

• which is : frustrating

• bcs u !!!!!! UR THE BIGGEST OVERTHINKER EVER !!!!!!

• ENOUGH TO WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP !!!!!!!!!

• and the fact that EVEN THO he's ur bf and u KNOW it, u continue to be curious if he even likes u :(

• so u just slam ur spoon on the table

• which makes him look up

• "what? is the ramen too spicy?"

• u shoot ur head towards him, a pout on ur face

• "do u like me?"

• ".........what"

• JSHSKWKKW

• Y/N PLS

• "u never….u have never said u like me…...and yea sure im not supposed to question this bcs ur my boyfriend and i know that but im sorry i overthink alot and it's just me saying i like u all the time but not u and i just can't help but-"

• "i …….. i like."

• "huh?"

• u shoot ur head upwards at minho, who now gets up to keep his empty bowl in ur kitchen sink, with a grin along ur face

• "u heard me."

• and u wish u could still be as happy as u were on this day

• when he first confessed

• well, half-confessed

• but u couldn't be

• even as he stood in front of u, saying that he loves u

• and he's grateful for u

• u couldn't stop the tears that continued to stream down ur cheeks

• ur eyes could only focus on the gun that he held right beside his temple

• his dad used to send people behind minho whenever u two went on a date

• "he wants me to go on w his job after he resigns" minho had once told on one of ur dates

• "do u want to?"

• "no, obviously-"

• he held ur hand in his

• "i want to be with u"

• then why

• why was he standing there, with that gun

• that stupid gun aimed at his temple?

• today while u had closed ur eyes, wishing for something, like minho had told u when he brought that birthday cake for u out of nowhere while u and minho were having ur date

• u opened ur eyes when u heard a muffled voice screaming loudly

• only to find it was minho's

• which confused u when u saw the hand covering his mouth

• but surprised u, when u saw his dad standing right behind him

• he kept pulling minho away from u

• minho yelled, tried to free himself away

• but couldn't

• until u yelled at his dad to stop

• and minho dropped on the ground, with his wrists red from being grasped so tightly

• u went on and on abt how he has made minho feel and what minho truly wants

• u had shut ur eyes out of fear

• but u had opened them to see what minho truly wants

• death ;

• an escape

• from all of this

• and so he spoke one more time

• "y/n. remember, i love you, okay? i….i'll always keep my promise."

• and then, a gunshot.

• u weren't sure if time had stopped or if it was just u frozen

• but u could only hear a beep sound going in ur ears as his body dropped on the ground

• limp.

• and at once u leapt towards him, sobbing, u fell to ur knees, ur hands grazing his cheeks and gently hitting his chest

• "y/n…. i don't know how to go on…"

• he had told u this months ago, when u guys had been dating for abt 5 months then

• "minho, we'll always be together, no matter what. i, at least, will be there for u, always."

• minho had looked at u with tears in his eyes 

• he rlly was so stupidly in love w u

• "but what if i...die...someday?"

• u sighed and turned to look at the night sky

• at least none of his dad's assistants had found out abt ur place yet

• (thankfully)

• u turned to look at him again

• "then...i'll die too."

• so that's what u were gonna do

• u searched for the pistol, as u blinked several times to focus properly

• when u finally found it, ur hands shakily reached for it

• and then as u aimed it at ur own temple

• the last part of that conversation popped into ur head again

• "then, will we meet each other in next life?"

• minho thought abt it for a few secs

• "probably"

• u nodded

• "i once heard that...when u fall for someone at first sight, it probably just means that we're recognising our partner's soul from our past life….do u think that will happen w us? do u think we'll…. we'll recognise each other?"

• "...i hope so…."

• u both let out a stifled laugh

• and so u stick ur pinky finger out, asking for his 

• "minho."

• "yes?"

• "promise me."

• "promise what?"

• "promise that…...that we'll find each other.."

• minho was abt to argue w u but seeing ur lil pout

• he had no choice but to agree

• "promise."

• and so, another gunshot was heard.

[rogueninja]

Okay so we all know who your top ships are... who are your unpopular ships? Or obscure ships? What characters from what series do you think about often in either good or bad ways? Who is a character that you hate that others love? If you could rewrite a story or part of a book, what would it be and what would you do differently?

Ok I am digging through my brain right now bc if I’m not able to hyperfixate on something then I tend to forget I even liked it. Ok buckle in bc this is gonna be long af. YOU ASKED FOR THIS, REG.

I’m putting a readmore so as not to torture my followers lol

Thinking about Veronica Mars. About Veronica/Logan. Do they have a ship name?? But I love that show and i was THERE for them. They were kind of a surprise ship for me, in that when they got together I was like, wait, WHAT? Like I was totally caught off guard. But there first kiss is, like, sooo romantic to me haha. It’s my fave scene in the show. But Logan is suck a prick sometimes. And they break up like every five minutes. And every season Logan gets accused of murder which of course he ends up not being the murderer. And they get back together eventually and I’m like really? But deep down I am rooting for them lol. I really enjoyed the new season of Veronica Mars that came out last year, actually. The ending made me SO SAD THO.

I also used to watch Supergirl and I thought Kara and Mon-El were adorable. He was very Carswell Thorne-esque, RH, I *think* you would like him. I never watched past season 3(?) though, and he shoots off into space and I never caught up so a few months ago I actually googled what happens and [spoiler] he ends up marrying someone else in the future or something so I was like, ok I’m not investing any more time in this show lol. (Also I had to google Mon-El’s name just now bc i forgot which is a bad look BUT I WAS REALLY RIDE OR DIE FOR THEM FOR A WHILE lol). Also I loved Martian Manhunter in this show, he was my favorite character. But the CGI for him was awful, omg. He had practical makeup at first, they should have just stuck with that.

Speaking of Martian Manhunter, I also used to watch Young Justice and loved Miss Martian/Superboy. Am I basic??? lol oop. But I love basic love stories. Anyway, I thought they were super cute. In season 3 though they’re kind of on the rocks. I haven’t watched season 4. I also loved Artemis/Wally West, but of course that had to end tragically.

Also, let’s talk about Nightcrawler. Allow me to set the scene. Little Kat is 13 and just rediscovered the cartoon she saw a few times as a kid called X-Men: Evolution. And thus, a weird obsession with the German, blue demon boy began. I loved Kurt Wagner. In the cartoon he starts a relationship with Amanda Sefton and I thought they were a-dor-a-ble. She accepted him for who he was, and they had a really nice healthy relationship. A lot of ppl shipped him with Kitty too which i am honestly all for idec I JUST WANT THE BLUE BOI TO BE HAPPY.

Can we talk about A:TLA too??? Like, obviously Zutara, amiright? Power couple. Like, Kataang is.. fine, but its probably my least favorite part about the ending, haha. Also, consider: Tokka. Toph is bae and can get anyone she wants, and she clearly had kind of a crush on Sokka and I think they could have been awesome. It actually kills me that they never say who Lin and Suyin’s father is in LoK. I had a whole theory that it was that kid The Duke from Jet’s band based on like 2 scenes from the series. There’s a tumblr post I made about it somewhere in the ether lol.

I also just remembered Tahnorra (Tahno/Korra) from Legend of Korra. It’s hard for me to explain this one. It’s a weird combination of being hyperfixated on the first season of the show when it came out, and I think I stumbled upon some fic or something???? And I thought Tahno was hot or something??? And FUN FACT, he was voice by Rami Malek BEFORE HE WAS COOL. So like before Rami really got big I knew who he was. He also basically played the Avatar in Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 and I thought that connection was hilarious. It was kind of a problematic crack pairing but there was one author in particular whom i follow to this day hoping she’ll update her Tahnorra fics…. *sigh*

Okay one last ship…. I used to be ride or die for Outlaw Queen in Once Upon a Time (aka Regina/Robin Hood). Like, before TLC, I had a personal tumblr renaissance for that ship alone. My only existing published fanfic is for that ship. Taylor Swift’s 1989 came out that year and I related every dang song to that ship. I loved Regina so much and I just wanted her to be happy. That show is a dumpster fire, though, and spat all over my hopes and dreams. *sigh*

Also, lightning round for obscure pairings I ship and/or never talk about:

Frank Castle/Karen Page (The Punisher) ok this one isnt that obscure but I never talk about it… but the pining, oh god the pining

Jaime Lannister/Brienne of Tarth (GoT) THEIR 5 SECONDS TOGETHER ARE THE ONLY WORTHY PART OF SEASON 8. everything after that never happened

I already listed Roy Mustang/Riza Hawkeye (FMAB) as a top pairing previously but I feel the need to mention it again bc it was for real my OG OTP… LIKE U WANNA TALK ABOUT PINING…. *sobs*

Percy/Annabeth (Percy Jackson and the Olympians) This used to be my fave book series and i loved how their relationship developed over the course of the books

Neville Longbottom/Luna Lovegood (Harry Potter) ok can we TALK ABOUT THIS??? They were both badass misfits and they were perfect for each other. But noooo JKR has to announce they marry some nobodies…. this is the only change the last movie did right

Midna/Link (Zelda: Twilight Princess) I honestly have no explanation for this lol

Qui-gon Jinn and Shmi (Star Wars) CAN U IMAGINE if anakin had a proper father figure and didnt have to abandon his mother to slavery

Obi-wan/Satine…. (Star Wars: The clone Wars) we know whats up

OK, to answer some of your other questions: character I hate that others love. HMMMM…….

This one seems too easy/obvious but Professor Snape? Like obviously there’s already a ton of discourse surrounding this but he was gross, mistreated his students for years, committed atrocities, couldn’t get over his high school crush, and we’re supposed to believe he’s a hero in the end and HARRY WOULD NAME HIS SON AFTER HIM….. uh no. “Always” is gross.

I’ve literally been wracking my brain for days and I can’t think of any more characters for this. OK I did some googling and I remembered some LOL.

Ross from friends…. I literally can’t stand him. He’s so entitled and just the worst. He tries to act like he’s the nice, sensitive guy, but really he is so full of himself. Joey on the other hand is portrayed as a womanizer but is actually super sweet and I love him

Archie from Riverdale… I have only seen the first 1.5 seasons ish but he is the worst…. we’re supposed to believe he’s some easygoing musically gifted football player but instead he manages to pull off being bland as heck and actually kind of a terrible garbage person

Nick from chilling adventures of Sabrina. I hate characters that are like hitting on the main character even though she has a bf and are like dark and broody and sexy blah blah blah…. I liked Harvey way better. I never finished season 2 tho

Emma Swan from Once Upon a Time? Idk she was fine she just got old after a while

If you could rewrite a story or part of a book, what would it be and what would you do differently?

HM. First, Harry would name his son Remus Rebeus Potter LOL. Ok but real talk there was a headcanon floating around forever ago that Harry should have become a professor at Hogwarts instead of an auror and I am 100% on board

Ok, ok….. what abouuuttt…… OK, is star wars when Han and Leia get together. I like them as a couple, but the entire first half of the movie Han is being such an ass. And when they kiss the first time, he’s being SOOO creepy. It’s like so quintessentially 80s romance. and HERE’S THE THING. They actually filmed (or maybe just wrote?) a version of that scene that WASNT CREEPY. And i’m like WHY DIDNT YOU USE THAT?!? So I like to pretend that’s the version that actually happened.

This part is way harder than the shipping portion. If I think of anything else i’l dm you. I HOPE YOU ENJOY READING THIS NOVEL LENGTH POST OF ME RAMBLING ABOUT MY FIXATIONS OVER THE LAST 10 YEARS. If anyone actually read this far, you deserve a cup of hot chocolate and a blanket

[loisfreakinglane]

prison break 👀👀👀 lmk what i’m getting into EVENTUALLY

LMAOOOOOOOOOOO GOD OKAY take everything with a grain of salt bc i saw s1 a lot and i watched s5 recently but everything inbetween is bluuuuuurry

Favorite Male Character- who else but michael even comes close i love him sooooooooo much

Favorite Female Character- sara i love sara BUT honorary shoutout to gretchen who was so evil and did things i hated but i wound up finding so fascinating and i think i loved her??? 

Least Favorite Character- uhhhhhh god like knee jerk is tbag bc hes fucking hideously disgusting and somehow clings his way onto every season of this show but he is a solid villain so like...... idk. i HATE him. but i think whistler was a way more useless character to my life. or somebody in whatever was happening in s4 like of the agent guys or something. OH WAIT MAIN BADDIE IN S5 he was boring and such a weird casting choice????????????????????? look theres a lot of dead weight lmao

Favorite Ship- michael/sara is such a soft ship, but sidenote is sucre/maricruz were super cute

Favorite Friendship- michael/sucre as pure friendship but if this is just platonic relationship then like obvsly michael and lincoln are the most

Favorite Quote- oh christ you expect me to remember quotes i don’t think i’ve got any???? who remembers the words ppl SAY??? okay michaels lil speech thing about monsters in the closet not being real but in prison you open the door and all the monsters are real whatever hwatever i’m not gonna google it you’ll get there EVENTUALLY

Worst Character Death (if any)- uhhhhhhhh when they wanted me to care that bellick died? i’m sorry but hard pass on that one. do we count deaths that got undone when the producers realized they were dumbasses?????? bc yeah that death that they undid, that one fucking blew. tho theres also the other annoying death that didn’t get undone............ they wanted to drop ppl from the cast which whatever but i’ll hmph as much as i want to

This made me so happy you have no idea Moment- when sara was on the boat when michael got there...... oh oh oh when it was revealed michael and sucres fight was totally fake and staged so they could steal the money i love fake staged fights so much. OR THE REVEAL THAT THE STUPID DEATH WAS UNDONE THAT WAS A GREAT MOMENT

Saddest Moment- the fakeout near miss execution that got stopped last second kind of killed me a bit

Favorite Location- ugh like i mean i guess fox river is the most interesting location? mostly bc michael can go thru the pipes and ceilings and idk theres lots of dynamic shit happening there

i’m so curious if you’ll ever actually get through this show lmao i mean godspeed either way

[lunasaturnine]

Vienna and cultural trauma

WOW so cool to sign into tumblr and see 99+ notifications, and think “oh a post got some attention,” but it’s actually just general attention!

My astro blog is ready for some action! Or maybe ppl are just bored bc of the quarantine. Either way, it would be cool to write.

I want to write about VIENNA.

I just took a course about somatic healing of trauma and it gave me a good overview of how trauma recovery works. Chapter 1 of trauma recovery is gathering resources. Chapter 2 is dipping or oscillating back into the memory, whether it’s a clear memory or just something held hidden in your body, with your new resources, and allowing circles to complete. Chapter 3 is being bigger bigger brighter in the world !!! (It’s a nice course, it’s on somatopia.com, it costs $40 if you have that to throw around, it’s like 2 hours of videos of a nice man talking in a soothing voice in intelligent language about healing from trauma)

Now I’m thinking about cultural trauma and Vienna. I have long felt that helping to heal the Hitler wound of Vienna is one of my soul’s major dharmic thrusts. So I googled “healing cultural trauma” and most resources out there talk about the trauma of the victim culture. That kind of trauma is totally different, because it recommends amplifying the traditions and greatnesses of the culture, and when you’re a cultural perpetrator of violence, amplifying the greatness of your culture is a trigger because cultural superiority is what lead your culture to be violent. But there are still a lot of resources with a lot of valuable information. I’ve only skimmed a couple things so far and it seems like one thing people emphasize in cultural healing is human connectedness.

The internet is a little hard to navigate on this topic, but I found an NYT editorial called “I loved my grandmother but she was a Nazi.” The author’s sweet grandma was literally a Nazi but she was a nice person who didn’t hate Jews. When the author talked to her about it, she would deflect. “He said a lot of things, I didn’t listen to them all” and “I was caught up in my own life” etc. The author says, that’s bullshit, there’s something she’s avoiding, and I can’t understand what it is or why she’s doing it, and I’m hesitant to say this because it might seem like I’m trying to forgive Naziism but I’m really just trying to understand who I look at when I look at my grandmother. It’s the most direct address of the West’s Nazi wound that I’ve found in my two and a half minutes of searching on google and I think it’s on the nose.

In the readmore are my more concrete thoughts on potential resources for Western/German/Viennese healing, and thoughts about what working through phase 2 would look like for a perpetrator culture.

Resources

On this reddit post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/history/comments/5nfqwp/my_grandmother_grew_up_in_nazi_germany/

there are some resources. First of all, 1. there are people from diverse backgrounds respective to WWII, coming together and talking as equals in the same kind of “room.” The descendants of the persecuted and the persecutors are together and they are not enemies. The knowledge, and SOMATIC FEELING EXPERIENCE, of that, can be  a resource. I am typing over this brusquely and that’s Mercury magic for you and you should know that I just burst into sobs. That in just a couple of generations, the grandsons and daughters of enemies can be together and not hate each other and even love each other is an immense resource and can be leaned into at any point. There is a vast well of cultural relief available here. My tears are thankful, grateful tears, tears of relief. I am thinking of the parks in vienna that are holocaust memorial parks. I am thinking of that horrible statue out in front of the Albertina that is a memorial to cultural violence but at the same time, also represents the trapped soul of the Perpetrator culture, since we are all One. In the same way that a piece of music which opens with a terrifying chord represents both the terror experienced by the terrorized, and the menace of the terrorizer, AND THE FEELINGS IN THE terrorizer that caused them to generate this chord... off on a tangent, and I’m not sobbing anymore! That was crazy. I have a tendency to lock my feelings up, but being alone in this house and in this quarantine, I can open up locked wells of feeling like that.

That resource is IMMENSE, and it’s RIGHT in front of our faces all the time. I took a class on 20th century germany in undergrad, and the professor was a young guy with a Nazi grandfather, well I’m not sure if he was a Nazi but he was a German soldier, and he remarked on it. And I think at the time I thought “how lovely” but if you sit with that feeling, it’s deep as hell. And if you sit with it from the perspective of a penitent perpetrator, it’s REALLY FUCKING DEEP.

So that’s available. Im gonna post this real quick as a way of saving the draft but I have more ideas.

Okay. Continuing,

Resource 2 also from reddit post

The top respondent says his German POW uncle had a British GF. That’s similar to the first resource, but more immediate. I’m sure there are lots of stories like that. Intercultural experience that nullifies certain tensions

Resource 3 also from reddit post

The stories of people who did do the right thing... maybe. I dont know. I’ll get off this post soon but it’s interesting. Idk if this counts as a resource, it’s kind of a tangent, but the more I learn about karma and trans-life inheritance of it, the more it seems true that it really is better to die living in line with your beliefs than to live safely. Like the person in Pweuy’s post. That father died but his karma was pristine as far as this was concerned and perpetrator trauma did not cling to him.

ok jesus this is an interesting post... the girl skipping over the river of blood as it trickled out of the asylum... the hitler youth boy befriending a lamb and the nazis slaughtering it in front of him... the russian soldier who guarded the german girl because she reminded him of her daughter...

Okay. Before I go on, I want to clarify that I am not specifically talking about people who held Nazi beliefs in their core. There is a special type of perpetrator injury that is specific to that kind of thing, true villains and terrorists. I’m talking more about “ordinary Germans” who didn’t think very hard and got swept along, moderate supporters to moderate resisters. As a culture, they were moved by the tides into Naziism. They have culpability, but not the exact same kind of culpability as perpetrator people. The culture moved to perpetrate these crimes, and they were a part of that culture. That’s the specific kind of wound I’m interested in healing. There is a poster on that page whose grandma really loved Hitler...

Ok! I spent a lot of my energy in that page, now its 10PM and I still have veggies to prepare. I need energy for this next thing I was going to talk about.

Resource 4 - this one specific coffee shop

I’m putting *s in its name because I like this blog anonymous. P*****n is a coffee shop in Vienna that is the only happy place I went. There were places that were ok... and fine... maybe pleasant... but this place was American levels of happy. Waiters danced around and were actually relaxed and happy. P*****n’s theme is intergenerational communication. It hires grandmothers to work behind the counter, and make pies, and you’re supposed to buy a slice of their pie and talk to them a bit. And then the waiters are young, and they communicate with the Omas. And the Omas are maybe not old enough to have been Nazis but their parents were.

They also include a bit in all their menus about intergenerational dialogue and wondering what more they can do and how they can be more of a space for it.

I had MANY genuinely pleasant little experiences there... and I think that little space that some person with a vision made, is a blossoming flowerpot with lots of healing energy where true dialogue could happen. So that could be a resource too. The happiness of that place. In fact, these conversations could happen there.

But I wouldn’t want to break the space. The course I just took talked about titration, which is just accessing a TINY part of the traumatic memory, so you don’t get overwhelmed. This is a very icy fucked up conversation for a lot of people. My Viennese friend told me to talk more quietly about it than I was. Actually I did talk about it there with some people! The German girl was surprised that I thought Vienna had a wound. So was the Irish girl actually. For other people it’s really evident. My Viennese friend. D**n. Rf: “it’s ALL I feel when I am there.” ME. God that conversation was sooo gentle and sweet and light. The Irish girl was wondering if she should move to Vienna or stay in Barcelona, and the three of us talked about Vienna nd it was SOOOOO LOVELY, holy BALLS.

But even if we don’t hold conversations there exactly, that could be a really good place for conversation to start. I could reach out to the people who run the shop to ask them about it. And then maybe conversations could happen in other places (don’t want to spoil the sweetness of the shop).

Resource 5 - personal as I investigate maybe not really a resource - but yes maybe it is a resource: Grounded, comfortable people who are Viennese, and who understand the goals and also understand the sensitivities of Viennese people more than I do; 

Resource 6 - people who are experts at cultural healing in victim cultures

Resource 7 - fostering dialogue between those two parties, also me.

Again I’m really playing fast and loose with the idea of resources. Maybe. We’re starting to move into phase 2, also, because with this dialogue, I want to open up some scripts for how to TITRATE sensitively.

phase 2

For instance, notice that I didn’t say something like “Remembering Vienna’s amazing heritage of incredible music that has the power to redeem and heal equal to and more accessibly than religions.” I think it’s true that Viennese music is a major healing resource (BEETHOVENSCHUBERTMOZARSKLTBSLJRTHBLEWSKJNS:OFDFD), but since it is bound up in Viennese identity, that notion is complex. Also, it’s not only that Viennese identity is nasty because it’s nazi and therefore that gives Schubert etc a dark tint, but also, the grand things that Vienna has contributed to western culture are now a part of Vienna’s current wound of degradation, cheapification, and humiliation by TOURISM. although I will say that I think Resource 8 should be MY OWN deep internalization of the healing power of Viennese music. Posting again to save...

...not only does that music help me be healed, but it also helps me understand healing process in the specific language of the culture i’m interested in

okay.  Phase 2. 

A picture of what I think sorta needs to happen

I think Omas that say “It was just a lot of talk, we ignored it” and “I was busy in my life”... I think what needs to happen for a perp culture is for them to actually own their part in the villainy, to claim it and stand in it and feel the pain, and say “I’m SORRY, this was HORRIBLE, I AM SORRY.” THIS WILL ALLOW THEM TO BECOME NEW!!!!!!!

That’s a v different healing process from like native american healing etc.

I really think somatic approach is a better road in than cognitive because, god, imagine cognizing all of this HORRIBLE SIN bit by bit knowing your culture perpetrated it and not having anyone to blame it on. Jesus.

How might the process of getting there look?

This is vague especially now that I don’t have that burst of energy. Conversations...

Here’s a question. After resource gathering.

“Knowing that bells rang for Hitler in Vienna, how does it feel to be Viennese?” IN YOUR BODY?

Damn THAT’S GOOD! THAT’S THE FUNDAMENTAL QUESTION. How does it feel to be Viennese? The goal is for it to feel OK.

Um, speaking specifically about Wiener trauma and their welcoming of Hitler, a few years ago, I read this in some guidebook, Vienna’s government acknowledged that they welcomed Hitler and that they were wrong, and investigating that is important for my mission. It’s cool because 1. it’s a Big Ol Step and 2. it lays groundwork for all of this.

Step 3 is really beautiful to think about. In the course I took, it’s where the instructor got out of his soothing calm neutral demeanor and started speaking passionately and bursting with smiles.

In addition to being able to be more firmly grounded in their own individual and cultural identities...

Okay, so, I’m drawn to this because I’m drawn to it, punkt. That’s all. But also, and I think I’m really late on the uptake here, I think I was due in Vienna many years ago, I think that whatever work I do in Vienna is helpful for the echoes of Naziism in today’s world, such as Trumpism (which does not...exactly... have the same kinds of premises but uses a lot of the same kinds of mecahnisms) and actual brazen nationalism, white supremicism, and far right movements. Hitler is a LOUD and REVERBERANT figure in our history for this kind of energy, and if we can do healing surrounding him, re-discovering resilience in the moderates, helping them go through the emotional journey they need to go through, they will be a beautiful resonant horn call from the past, a solid core of NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that will strengthen the culture of the entire FUCKING world.

Music will be a part of it.

I have always loved Vienna, and I can’t really analyze it. I love it like a girlfriend. I know she’s problematic. And she can be really really horrible.

The wound is deep. The horribleness, the life negating quality not only of the FUCKING WRETCHED SHOP CLERKS, but also of the WAY -- THINGS -- HAPPEN, of the overall weird ass SPIRIT in Vienna, is... God DAMN WHY do I like that city so much? It’s bizarre. It’s very pervasive. I don’t enjoy experiencing it, I don’t think it’s attractive, I don’t like it. I love Vienna THROUGH that wound. I REALLY LOVE Vienna. That’s one of the clearest things that I know in my heart. I love Vienna... and that’s the whole story. It’s one of the easiest things for me to say.

Lots of people love a city. We do it for reasons. I think our hearts are drawn where they are drawn because we are attracted to healing the specific karmas of places. The karma of my hometown is mainly racial, with native american underneath. The coffee shop that is equivalent to P*****n serves often as a place of racial conversation and healing. It is actually pretty amazing. And once there was a white supremacist with a gun there and he stood up on a table and let people see his gun. He didn’t yell or anything. But that vital thing happened there in that coffee shop.

Excuse me I also love coffee shops and Vienna is the land of coffee shops.

Okay. I love Vienna! I literally love Vienna, with my heart. I love Vienna.

One last thing. I’m saving then editing...

The postscript: A major resource, and it kinda sidesteps some things, is language. It will be much better if German is spoken in these conversations. When I went to Vienna last, I didn’t prepare my German because when I went to Vienna first, everyone spoke English and it was simply easier to speak English all the time, so I figured I wouldn’t try to give the illusion and disappoint. But lo... the native people really, really resent it if you don’t even try to speak German. They actually seem to experience it as an injury. It is wild, if you’re not expecting it.

ALL OVER VIENNA I saw the Graffiti stamp/brand, “Tourism is terrorism.” 

When I was in the airport and the cute customs dudes asked me the purpose of my visit, I said “TOURISM” and they laughed. That was fun. But it was a lie. I was a pilgrim. I... know I was a tourist, technically. But I felt such hatred for the tourists standing like apes in front of the Schubert statue in the Stadtpark. Their wretched selfie smiles plastered on top of the emptiness of their experience. My purpose in Vienna had nothing in common with theirs. And I claim that I didn’t do a lot of the tourist things - not many museums or concerts or whatever.

One of my more pleasant memories was going into a used book shop and asking about a book in the window, a German-language edition of the tao te ching from 1923 (a very strange time). I asked in English. The clerk was confused and asked if I spoke German, and I answered in German that I spoke some German, but was learning, and knew the TTC very well, and that it’s simply usually easier to speak in English. I might have used imperfect German, but I felt dignified and natural doing it.

Ok, not only the German language, but the quiet Viennese demeanor of Scorpiness. Scorpscorpscorpscorp. Quiet, observant, emotional, and responsive to gentle tenderness and consideration, and traumatized by brashness. 

Both the spoken language, and the language of the demeanor, I think are somatic approaches that sidestep cognitive...things and make the culture feel unconsciously accepted and open.

On my first trip I learned howwwwww AMERICAN I was, and then on my second trip I opened myself up to my inner Wiener and was quiet and scorpy, and I felt warmth emerge from the people and city in response. It felt really right, and it felt like i was honoring...her, and it felt um sort of romantic. ha 

[ulookgoodtoday]

This is gonna be a long rant

No need to say this but I am a CS, I strongly believe they were in love and actually believe they still are. If you don’t see it I’m sorry for you bc it means you’ve never been in love and seen someone staring at you like they do. 
Plus our captain Dinah (and her aunt) made it pretty clear. If you’re in doubt it could also be bc of the narrative stupid managers tried to pull, but honestly anyone can see through it. I suggest you read Emisons Camren theory and post about synchronization (which I found out after I made my mind clear ab Camren) which makes perfectly sense and was confirmed to be true at 98% by ExposingLaucy.

Let me say that of course this is just my opinion and I ALWAYS take into consideration that it could be not real. I respect L and C personal life and never dare to intrude or comment their post on social networks. I want them to be happy and if they are now (I believe they are) I am happy. They can be whom whoever THEY want.

Said so, here’s my delusional Camren theory. It’s not about proving Camren is real but an analysis of their relationship (I tried to be accurate, considering songs, interviews, trustworthy sources, timing).

I believe they had feelings for each other since the beginning (2012-3), especially C, but they genuinely thought they were just friends or that it was nothing serious (ExposingLaucy said C was the one to fell in love - “Mine is Lauren” “Who are u kissing under the mistletoe?” Her obsession with “Normani”- and L slowly fell in love w her). That’s why L gave birth to Camren “it’s Camren yo” (16 oct 2012) and why they were so explicit in the interviews, on camera, tumbrl, twitter, bc they thought it was a joke and were really close. Then ppl started to see what basically they couldn’t see or admit to themselves yet (love in their eyes), ppl started shipping them and assuming they were together but again they brushed it away and even invited us to float that f boat (Nov 2013). I believe if they ever kissed before 2014 it was as a joke, at least for L (“What happened in the elevator?” Feb 2013 DinahJane on twitter. #camrenfeels 28th June 2013 and the photo of them cuddling, L saying “Thanks babe” Feb 2014 and being totally chill with it) and above all they never talked about it.

I know C said back then that her first kiss was at 17 (and everyone assumed it was with Austin but could have been with L - April 2014) and then in a recent interview ab her album she said she was 16 when she had her first kiss so it could be 1) they kissed before 2) they kissed before but as a joke and then, after realizing how they felt for each other, she reconsider that kiss 3) she messed up with her memory, she gets confused by all the bs they made her say during these years. In the same interview she said she had her first breakup at 17, which could be her telling bs and alluding at her breakup with Austin (even tho in other interviews she dismissed that relationship) or what I’ll explain later about her relationship with L.

I think C was the first to realize she had feelings for L and that’s when she wrote “Only told the moon” (where she’s scared ab her emotions and afraid the other person won’t feel the same way) even though she wrote a tweet “only told the moon” in Jun 2015. What we know through EL is that they were both each other’s first kiss and everything. [plus I’m still not over Sep 2013 when C cries singing Who are you and L glances at her every other second].

We assumed Camren real first kiss was in April 2014 (1975 concert) and it is rumored that L broke up w Brad in Dec 2014 after 8 moths. Now, I don’t believe they had an actual relationship but more a fling and not that long (L was supposed to be w Luis Felipe right? They broke up Aug 2014. And in July we have the suspicious Camren’s moans in the bunk). ANYWAY the import part is that Brad wrote I found a girl that goes "she said that she tried but she's not into guys". So now what I think is that that's basically L freaking out about the kiss she had with C because she realized she had feelings for her (so more than friendship), trying to convince herself she's not into girls, rushing into Luis and then B to prove herself wrong, then again going back to C still confused until she figures it out later. Especially when you are bisexual the process can be hard because you try to understand where you stand, if you like boys OR girls, so it’s confusing when you have feelings for both and u try to deny one or the other until you realize bisexual is A THING. The Vamps made it clear that the song is for L and then took a photo with a “Camren is real” sign in the back (well done Brad, you’re an asshole). In the song he also said that this girl started to talk to him about the other girl she was involved with, so he knew who L was in love with.

In 2014 C is in a PR relationship with Austin Moron and I think C wrote The Exchange song (unreleased as well) about that period. I came up with the timing according to a period when they were both dating others; after Chocolate by 1975 was out - we’re dressed in black, head to toe, it’s from that song while C wrote “we’ll be dressed in, all black from head to toe” and twitted it in apr 2015; also C’s tweets with the lyrics of the song - “there’s nothing like me and you and you know it” Apr 2014 -  and L indirects. I think it’s ab Lauren also bc she wrote “there’s beats I’ve been skipping when my head is on your chest” and I‘ve never seen C doing that with a boy. Plus the part where she says the other person knows there’s nothing like the two of them and “you’ve been trying to say it ain’t true” so again L rushing into L/B.

Also you can tell that their relationship was never defined properly by the fact that C many times during interviews referred to a relationship she had and described it as “sort of friendship “ or “romantic relationship or whatever that was”( also look for unreleased song of C, she said she wrote it when she was 17, “Like friends do” = I’ll sit straight it the couch like friends so. And I’ll stop kissing your mouth like friends do. Cause I can’t look at you quite like friens do. You don’t say my name quite like friends do).

I think after Brad and A, they were together, during 2015 (that’s when C appeared with the ring - EL said L gave it to C in Feb 2015 - and when they try to hide and look distant in front of the camera, yet close behind cameras) but still in a confused way during all that year, with ups and downs. I’d say C was pretty cool with her sexuality while L had more difficulties; and that explains to me why C cries singing Who are you basically every time (remember the girls co-worked in writing this one, if you look up on google you can see how Camila and Lauren’s names are the first ones written). Also that’s when she could have come up with IHQ bc she said she started writing it two years before it was released (May 2017). “My name was safest in your mouth”, “your voice, it was the most familiar sound” “i was there when no one was” and in the end - this part could have been written back then or in 2017 but either way express a miscommunication- “How do I fix it? Can we talk? Can we communicate” and “Do I wanna fix it? Is it my fault? Do u miss me?”.

I think that Lauren was the one that struggled the most (from the beginning 2013), she also said in an interview (2017) that when she was little was very confused and that people calling her bisexual/gay made her angry because she couldn’t understand how they figured it out and what was about her that made them think that. It’s also tricky was she said just after that. The interviewer asked her “Did your parents know before you came out?” ab your sexuality and she said “yes, they knew before, I was dating a girl AT THE TIME so they had to know”. So ok, who was she dating tho? Lucy? Yeah right.

I think that they had a shit load of pressure from managers to not be together and at least behave in front of the camera. I remember L (think it was Sept 2015) in an interview she said “when life hits love sometimes you just die”, i mean that’s daaark, girl! Anyways, that must have led to a lot of fights between the two of them especially because you can see how in a lot of interviews C kept staring L or doing things that were pointing obviously to Camren while L was trying harder to hide it. I think C might have felt rejected and they didn’t talk about all of this (and you can tell again by their songs that they had relationship where they didn’t comunicate - expectation, something’s gotta give, in the dark, IHQ.. someone put also In your phone but L didn’t write that one).

I think that’s when C wrote Must be love, this songs screams Camren like maybe no other and describes this period. In fact she says she fell hard, that she gets mad and puts on a show, there are highs and lows, everything gets real after two am (secret relationship), that she’s gonna look at her right back and “I promise you won’t like that” (L pissed every time C is explicit) and they fuss and fight but yet she wouldn’t have it any other way.

Also it’s a link to Consequences, which is in the album (in Must be love she goes “I guess everything has consequence”) and this song has no straight-relationship explanation. Through Consequences C describes her relationship w L and what had caused. I believe she is telling us all that she loved L so much she didn’t care about the consequences that came with it, which is f managers treating them like shit, make them hide it and led to them fight as well. It is not coincidence that she wrote this in Jan 2017 after she was out the group. It is not a coincidence that in concert before playing Consequences she always sings Falling in love (“Wise men say only fools rush in” is also the beginning of Must be love). And there are links to “She loves control” in my opinion which I think describes L and maybe the role she played in all this Camren shit. (Ok C has stated that she has OCD but she doesn’t go to club and when she’s in love she fell hard so u know, so much for the control). In Must be love says “you control me more than you’ve ever known” and in Sangria Wine “yo so que tu quieres controlar mi mente” that made me think the person she’s talking ab in She loves control might not be herself but another person. Many were shook about L singing “she doesn’t let me have control anymore” in Strangers which is a HELL of a coincidence but I think Halsey wrote it so I’m not sure whether we should consider it or not.

During 2015 to 2016 we saw a lot of things that suggested the ups and down. Remember that 2015 C had major anxiety problems and a lot of trash was thrown from the fandom (especially after IKWYDLS). C saying she rather date someone out of the industry but “you can’t decide who you fall in love with, UNFORTUNATELY”. Or when they fought in another interview when C was being too obvious bc she said she would marry her celebrity crush (or any crush) even if their parents did not approve, tho she didn’t say who her crush was but “it’s important” and “i’d be in love with my celebrity crush” (she always said it was Lauren). Or when they tried to make each other jealous.

Then 2016 is tricky. They started the 7/27 tour and again we see ups and downs but mostly L more at ease with her feelings for C. I think C was still struggling with her anxiety problems and all the narrative the managers were forcing the 5 of them to follow (they were prep C’s departure). I remember how L broke down 8 Sep 2016 singing No way, she always said that it was her fav song and described it as a dialogue happening in a couple; a toxic situation, two people who wants to be together but know shouldn’t be together and also ppl from the outside telling them they shouldn’t be together (she was so into this song that during a soundcheck she said she actually could imagine a visual and music video for it). She also cried during Scared to be happy and then tweeted after the concert the she got emotional because of the LYRICS. This was in Phoenix after the show in Texas where we saw Lucy. So that made me think she was struggling back then (remember that 4 days before, C left the stage in Missouri for anxiety), trying to figure out what to do between what she felt and also the pressure for the outside (maybe C, sure as hell managers and the PR ready to come).

I think that L in 2016 realized that she wanted to commit, as I said she seemed more at ease with her sexuality. She was happy during photos with CS, she danced with the pride flag, we have the blurry kiss in London (May 2016) in front of Lucy (!!), L even interacted with C during sound-checks and sang Dope to C (who was pretty surprised), she protected her from those balloons, C and L staying one more day in Barcelona, we had the VMAs (August 2016), she called her baby and so on. She seemed very protective. I believe that’s bc they were prepping the Laucy thing and her coming out. EL said they began the process leading to Laucy in June 2016 (remember the two of them in Colombia for L’s birthday, the videos of L dancing BBW to Lucy and so on - Emisonme explained perfectly).

I think that is why she came out in the end, after all this struggles, bc she felt ready, I don’t think she was forced to. Let’s be honest, if she didn’t want to she could have said it wasn’t her in the Laucy photo or she’s not so dumb, you’re at a family wedding and you get caught kissing a girl and the photo got leaked?! I say BS. And then she decided to make a photo book with Lucy as a coming out statement?! If she wasn’t ready to do it, none of this would have happened. I think she did it for two reasons: 1) Trump was pissing her off 2) to tell C that she was ready; they let her do it bc it was convenient for her image and 5h.  At the beginning of Havana - the music video - there’s an awkward scene, completely out of context. A guy comes out of a closet and says “I was in the closet” and C “so now, you’re out of the closet?” And he goes, a bit confused, “yes, for YOU”. Like wtf? C, was it necessary?! And don’t let me start with that video. C is watching the tv and you can here a woman saying in spanish “I want to be with Carmen but I can’t “, you can see a figure very similar to L and in the end C said “I love you, but I love myself more” which again made me think she’s the one that walked away in the end. Camila is giving us so many signs if u don’t see this you’re really dumb.

L obviously couldn’t come out without saying there was another girl, otherwise Camren was automatically confirmed in our mind. And who better than your best friend to help you do so and make it believable? Honestly it was a smart move and all the hate, slut shaming and shit Lucy received, she didn’t deserved it. I believe it was PR and that C was aware of this and supported it but it could have also been difficult for her. Even though she knew it wasn’t real, she might have been scared L might get involved for real, especially if you consider the fact that Camren could never be proud and loud, idk. Emisonme on tumbrl explained the Laucy shit so perfectly that I suggest u read it, I agree with everything she said. Again Emisonme explain PERFECTLY why L could come out as bi while C can’t (and she’s so gay she’s shitting rainbows).

I think shit went down tho, and they fell apart. I don’t know if it was bc of management’s pressure or miscommunication or whatever but apparently C walked away (as she said in many interviews that the situation was toxic - not the relationship - in something’s gotta give and Havana music video and in concert before singing Scar Tissue). I think that their break-up happened during that period of L coming out and C leaving/kicked out fifth harmony but that is so messed up I’m not elaborating [Theory: C leaving 5h was always supposed to happen]. Just remember how Dinah’s aunt said that Lauren would be devastated by the fact C left (”I’m pretty sure Lauren is heartbroken and shook, she is probably crying her brain away. But she already knew. If anything Lauren is leaving too. You gotta have your girl’s back. Of course I’m sure they are going to do a duet like on their own, you know, in the bedroom.”)

That’s when L was reaaally pissed at Camren fans (the tweet in Feb 2017), went a bit sassy in interviews avoiding to talk about C, and after “leaving Lucy” she “started dating Ty” (I call PR huge af). The reasons why she was pissed ab CS could be many, for starters I believe they broke up (so that’s one), n2 she came out and faked a relationship with another girl to protect C’s straight image and yet everyone kept believing in Camren, n3 her managers made her pull her straight image as well starting dating Ty to shut us up BUT I believe the real reason is n4 managers wanted to kill Camren (to launch C’s straight image) and destroy her image (as they did with the marijuana shit they pulled) bc even though i think the first three reasons are true and that’s what was going on in L’s mind I don’t think she would attack her fans and C like that. Anyways L tweeted “eyes on the moon” the day the Grammys (Feb 2017) were held and we know who the moon is.

I think C’s the one who walked away also bc of “Make u mad”, which was written mostly by L and she’s pissed y’all. There are also links btw this song and C’s songs. L also sang Back to me, she collaborated in writing the text but I don’t know to what extent but still a HELL of a coincidence.

I think they first met after all this shit at the Grammy’s after party in Feb 2017 but didn’t interact. Camila was there and she said that “In the dark” is about a boy she met there; then we have L who tweeted just the day after the Grammy’s after party ab waking up with hang over and understanding what’s fake and real. Funfact: read the lyrics of In the dark. “Vampires at the same places” we know Lauren is Lamp. L is running and “making rounds with your fake friends” and again “i can see u’re scared of your emotions, i can see you’re hoping you’re not hopeless” “who are u when it’s 3am and u are all alone” “secrets, endless”. Basically she’s asking this person to show her her real self.

Ppl said they met in March/April 2017 (i think) in studio (Diplo’s?) and I think that’s when C came up with All these years (L had longer hair - she had it cut in 2016; she had gained a bit of weight - that’s for arms stronger; her eyes, I mean WE BEEN KNEW; C was not prepared so she didn’t know L was going to be there; it was a quick hello bc they were not fine back then; “sounds like you’re happy with her” could be L’s PR; “wish I loved u like I miss u” implies that she had a relationship with that person but maybe not loved her in the right way or enough to make it last - she confirmed in an interview that this song is about an ex; who does C knows from YEARS? If I hear another SM shipper I’ll throw up)

Anyways I think that towards the mid of 2017 they kinda reconnected and now they’re in good terms. Remember how C said multiple times how even though it was a toxic situation she’d do it all over again. So that makes me think that they loved each other and the problem was mostly all the environment they were into (if the relationship was trash why on earth would she do it again?!) and C is trying to say to L: baby come back to me.

Since this is not a post w the intent of explaining why Camren is real I won’t elaborate.

In conclusion I think they are still in love (C sang it in every possible way) and probably a couple or working on to be one and the problems in their relationship were due to miscommunication and pressure from the outside.

—> Again Emisonme made super clear why they couldn’t be together in the Music business. 

Stay strong in this PR shit and let them be. Even if they don’t tell us, doesn’t mean it isn’t true. 

Just remember EL said 2018 would be the year of the commitment, 20gayteen everybody.

“I am a lover and a fighter. I will fight for what I love” Go get your girl Lauren

[kgstyr]

So if y’all for some reason want to hear about my Hurricane Florence story, then you’ve come to the right place. I raveled with my mother and eldest sister on our evacuation journey, while my sister and her husband and kid stayed home.

I’ll put it under a read more if you don’t want to read all of it, but just know it was a wild ride. And plz do me a forgive bc my memory is kinda shitty and selective so im prob missing great moments.

We left on the September 13th a little after 10 in the morning, but before we had even left, the outer bands of Florence were bearing down on us and we had already lost power.

We rode through the town of Swansboro, were the water was already high enough to lap the bottom of the tiny bridge into the town (even tho its low to begin with) even tho it wasn’t going to make landfall til the next morning.

/Now for all of you who don’t know about hurricanes, they usually only last 24-36 hours. It lasted for over 4 days. When hurricanes linger like that, it only makes it worse, even though Florence was only a category 1, it felt more powerful./

We kept driving, past Jacksonville, but until we got past there, I can’t tell you how many times the radio went off for Tornado Warnings (at least 4) up and down the coast of NC within an hour or so. I’ve been through a number of Hurricanes and Tropical Storms, but hearing all those warnings were a bit unnerving. Flood warnings started popping up as well, and as hard as it started raining I believed it happened that fast.

We drove up there pretty much without incident (we are direction illiterate, so almost without incident) up to the city of Pinehurst/Southern Pines, and stayed up in a hotel there for about 3 days. The first day was p good, we chilled up there- the drivers were aggressive as FUCK like run you off the road- it was real pretty with tall Carolina Pines and worldstar golf courses, just like country club on steroids.

The bed was kinda uncomfy and the window leaked a lil bit, but otherwise the first night was a good rest after a long day of driving.

But the next morning (or two, days get away from me), we went to the lobby to rent the room for another night, only for them to tell us that they had booked our room that day, so we had to leave. We were mad as hell, but we couldn't fight it given as we were in unknown territory, so we packed up our stuff and got ready to leave- only to tell us that they had gotten mixed up and that we could stay another night.

Needless to say, we were not happy about having to unpack, then repack, then unpack again.

When they said Florence was slow moving, y’all don’t understand how slow. usually, when hurricanes hit land, they may slow down for a bit, but they speed up and are usually carried out by the jet streams or approaching fronts within a day. It moved slower than 6 mph: ppl can walk faster than that.

The second day, it started raining where we were, and at first it was sporadic outer bands, but soon it become constant with fluctuating torrential downpours. By the end of the second day, the rains and wind had picked up enough to knock out the power to out hotel for an hour or so.

And the same thing happened with the hotel the next morning: they said they had booked our room, but then apologized and said that we can stay. This time at least we didn’t pack up before that.

Now, we went up to the Sandhills to get away from the flooding on the coast, but it came to us. The rain was pouring, and not letting up, and we went under a flash flood emergency nearly continuously from the second day onward, and evacuations across the county were in effect. After the third or fourth day, we decided to leave the area bc all of the water that was rising and evacuations.

After we had left the hotel area, we passed the town of Aberdeen, and we ended up pulling over at a gas station to look at the map (remember: direction illiterate family here) and that’s when I told my mother the famous line

“We should go back to Aberdeen, Mama.” Saying that we knew our way back home

But she decided not to, saying that we couldn’t go back because of the weather. We tried to travel south a lil bit to skirt around an area that was flooded, but we ended up getting pushed down way father south than we anticipated due to impassable areas and flooding, and we ended up on the outskirts of Rockingham. After riding around for hours, trying to find a way out, we ended up at a shelter for the night at the local high school because conditions had deteriorated to an unsafe level, and we were directed by some very nice highway patrolmen to where the shelter is.

None of us had even stayed in a shelter before, so it was a new experience for all of us. The people running the place were nice, but damn some of the ppl were annoying.

I now hate cots, and my Mama and sister hate them too. I really couldn’t sleep on it b/c of the steel rods in my back (scoliosis) and Mama has bad arthritis, so it wasn’t a pleasant night.

It got worse when Rockingham and the county started experiencing massive flash flooding in the middle of the night, and we were up half the night listening to the weather and keeping an eye out just in case we need to evacuate from the shelter. It became a lil more nerve-wracking when evacuees from other counties (like Horry, SC) were transported to our shelter. It was semi- peaceful at the shelter til like 10 other people were brought in.

I had said this several times by this point, but while we were trying to rest on horrid cots, I told Mama: “We’ve should’ve gone back to Aberdeen.”

Long night short, we were semi- kicked out in the morning, and we packed up our stuff and loaded up the car again, having made a soft plan the night before to head to the next town of Hamlet.

We were so tired and fed up and ready to go the hell home that when the car didn’t start, we all started hardcore panicking, and me and my mama, at least, are not panicky people. At first, we thought the car had gotten flooded from all the rain, but after a quick look around we concluded that that was not it, unless someone had just poured a bucket of water on our engine.

After several minutes of pulling each other’s hair out, we found out that the car just needed some oil. Either the long ride up the Sandhills had burned it all and we had rolled it in on fumes last night, or my sister didn’t exactly tell the truth when she said the car was fully oiled up.

Probably both, but that’s not the point (she is a special gurl no hate plz she tries her best).

After that, we stopped at the nearest Burger King in Hamlet and we tried to plot a course home, this time, trying to shoot straight up towards Asheboro and then going around Raleigh and coming home, because by this point other ppl from my hometown that had evacuated to Raleigh had come home from that route.

We left about 11:30-ish. We got as close to Asheboro as the city of Candor (google map it im bad at distance) and then got stuck on this loop for hours between Rockingham and Asheboro.

Literally at least 6 hours. A good chunk of that was trying to get to a town called Candor. We never found it nor made it.

At this point we were all at our wits end, screaming and yelling at each other (out of love ofc) because we are all so bad at directions that we can’t follow a straight line-

We stopped for dinner at somewhere, I can’t remember where, I think at Rockingham again, and then-

“We should go back to Aberdeen.” I say, and Mama laughs and asks why in hell we should go back. I told her that we had stayed in that area for multiple days and that I knew where the hotels in that area (Aberdeen, Pinehurst, Southern Pines, etc.) were-

It was nearly 6, and we were tired and exhausted and running low on money, so Mama agreed, because she didn’t want to spend another night in a shelter.

And, like I said, we couldn’t turn onto a straight line, so we got lost trying to find a hotel, but by a stroke of a lucky piece of my memory, I remembered where a Holiday Inn Express was in the city of Southern Pines, and we managed to find out way there in a darker-than-expected city. 

It was about 8:30 at night, and we were ready to just fucking perish when me and my sister went into the lobby, and asked the front manager if a room was available.

She said no, because a large part of the city had lost power itself and everybody in the town had crowded into the hotels. I felt my stomach drop just a tiny amount because we had been through direction illiterate hell to get there, just to not have a room for the night.

We asked her if there was any other hotel with a vacancy, and she checked and told us the nearest vacancy was in Durham, well over a hundred miles away. My sister, ever the conversationalist, ended up asking her if there was any way we could just crash in the lobby tonight. She said sure. So, we went out to tell Mama that we could stay in the lobby, and we got what we needed for the night to rest in the lobby.

We fully expected to be in the lobby all night, but then the desk lad left for a bit and told us that even though she wasn’t a housekeeper, she could clean a recently vacated room for us that night. We even got it for cheaper since we couldn’t afford the full price.

Lemme tell you, that was the quickest I’ve ever fallen asleep on a bed, and it was a gucci pillowtop bed too like 4 feet into the air, much better than the first hotel. Breakfast was a bit sparse, but that was understandable since power was limited throughout the city. We thanked her repeatedly for what she did; she had no obligation to actually get us a room, but she pulled a rabbit out of her Miracle Hat and gave us a good 8 hour night of deep sleep.

“See?” I said. “We should’ve gone back to Aberdeen.” My new favorite meme. Even though it was the next town over, it still counts as Aberdeen, right?

Over breakfast and leading up to our checkout time, we plotted our way home, and we headed out and started driving home at noon. And since we can’t follow our own directions, it was a tense few 10 miles or so before we got out onto open highway.

It took us a while, because our car is an older car and can’t get up the Sandhills that well, but we started seeing flatter land, and it was a blessed sight.

Mama saw a sign for the city of Benson, and she turned off the exit to go towards that city because she knew her way home from there.

Except like 300 feet from where she turned, the right front tire blew out. WE were nearly halfway home, and our fucking tire blows out. At the very least, I am thankful that it blew out 300 feet onto the exit and not 300 feet back, because if it had blown out on the Interstate we would’ve more than likely have crashed and killed bc no modern safety features on this old piece of beautiful junk.

We managed to roll it into a gas station on the left on the rim, the tire pushed inward and leaving the metal exposed, and that’s when we all had a coming to Jesus moment because back in Rockingham? Filling up the oil was a simple fix. Tire blowing out? We couldn’t do that on our own.

My sister went into the gas station to ask the clerk to call a nearby mechanic, while me and mama refilled our snacks then sat outside on a patio while we waited. Not 15 minutes later, an old, hunchbacked man came into an old, black truck that looked like it needed some repairs itself to check our tires.

Thank goodness that it was only hat one tire than had blowed out, having somehow been slashed all the way around. My sister, the socialite, told him about our harrowing journey up til that point, and I’m sure he could see the complimentary American Red Cross blankets strewn across the backseat along with everything else.

He only charged $40 for a used tire, a bad lugnut, and labor, which was amazingly cheap. He would only take $40, and he did a pretty damn good job because the ride was much smoother after that, and he even pointed out that the tires were misaligned. We got back on the highway, and started driving again.

The hills had started to flatten out when we got into Wayne county, and the trip was winding and calming down from all of our experiences earlier, but then we started to see signs of actual damage from Florence, not just rain and flooded roads.

It started out as just some snapped tree limbs, then smaller trees, then shingles and metal ripped off roofs and large trees snapped in half- and the smell- if you’ve ever smelt like, water mold or water that wasn’t were it was supposed to be (out of its basin), it was rancid and ripe, and not even rolling up the windows could keep it out of the air. I’ll never forget the smells.

The road was brown along lower areas, signs of recent standing water, and it was really visible as we went by Goldsboro. We didn’t go into the city because we had heard about the flooding, but we could literally smell the destruction.

It continued all the way thru Kinston, the smell of water mold and downed trees and damaged structures- we had to stop in New Bern to get some groceries because there were no more stores open after that stop to our city, and we went into a Food Lion in New Bern. There wasn’t much in there, but we got a few Pepsis and things, along with a tiny styrofoam cooler.

There prices were a little high, so we didn’t buy as much as we had planned on- plus their store was getting rather bare.

Someone stole a bottle of alcohol while we were in there, and that made us get the heck out of dodge super fast. Around that time, we had been passed by a fleet of 21 police cars/ SUVS heading towards New Bern and past it, lights on but no sirens.

We saw a few scattered in New Bern, Havelock, Newport- to stop the rioting and looting from earlier from happening again. When the news says people are looting these cities, they really are. New Bern had a lot of side roads closed, the road was a bit raggedy, and you could see what the constant winds did to the siding and roofs of structures.

Also I think one of those cops caught a guy we saw deliberately run a red light. Justice does work, people.

New Bern was bad, Havelock was worse. Nearly all of their side roads were closed, and over half of their street lights were off, which was not good for driving at like 10 at night. We saw cops lining a side street, and we just assumed that they were doing criminal shenanigans down there.

Plus I forgot to mention, frogs were everywhere. It was too dark to see them, but you could hear them for several counties in standing water. They were having frog orgies, I guess.

We knew the Newport River in Newport had flooded, so when the smell of river flooding was ripe, we knew where we were at. A lot more trees were down, and the road was dirty and brown with tree branches brushed to the middle lane or the side of the road, from what we could see in the dark.

My city  looked like someone took a fucking AOE chainsaw and went down the street and cut all the trees but with bad aim. The closer to the waterfront, the more it was obvious that there was damage, as quite a number of houses had gaping homes in their roofs.

The sister that stayed told us that the day after the storm, it looked like a bomb went off in the city, and even though they had gotten the worse of it off the roads and stuff by the time we got back, I believe that. The structures along the waterfront were flooded with the storm surge, and the cites across the Sound bore the brunt of it.

The power came back on for us just a few hours before we arrived home after 5 days of being gone, so it seems like we have perfect timing for that. Before the power started coming back on, it was like the county was a third world country Africa-style (still kinda is!) with the roads flooded making them cutoff from the outside world.

When people say they need donations, they need them. I’ve never had to go into a church to get a hot meal, but now I have. I’ve never slept in a shelter to get away from a natural disaster, but now I have. I’ve never gone to a store to scrounge around for food to restock our nearly empty shelves with, but now I have.

We didn’t get it nearly as bad as Wilmington, or Fayetteville, or Lumberton, but in the grand scheme, all the cities were affected in some way. 

Speaking of Lumberton, at the first hotel we met a very nice and polite black woman from the city of Lumberton, who said she lost everything in Matthew and was praying she didn’t lose everything this time. If she lost it all in Matthew, hen she probably lost everything including the kitchen sink this time as well. I hope there’s something left for her.

Also my Laptop broke (stupid Microsoft updates) at the first hotel on teh first night.

My apartment building sustained some damage (I wouldn’t call it major, but definitely some repairs are needed). It’s 2-story, and I’ve spent an hour today picking up some shingles and paint chips that had flown off the roof and onto the front side. Nobody else was gonna do it, and I didn’t want little kids to step on one with a nail in it and hurt themselves, and plus I wanted to help.

The wood for the balcony for the second definitely needs to be replaced, actually most of the balconies will need to be replaced, and the porch and lawn lights needs fixing bc many of them are bent or gone. A couple of apartments need extensive repairs in the back, and the trees that have snapped needs to be picked up- and the potholes need to be filled as well, but we’ve all been complaining for over 10 years to get them fixed and they haven’t been solved, and now there’s more- part of the sidewalk/driveway is gone somewhere.

The park across from us needs to have the trees picked up off of it, and it needs to be inspected so it’s safe for the kiddos. It could’ve been a lot worse if Florence hadn’t weakened, if it had stalled any longer.

IDK why u read all of this but for that I give u smooches. I guess this is just why I won’t be evacuating again unless its a Cat 5 barreling down on my ass because this was just 2 stressful 4 my frag ile ass. I guess if you wanna know more u can dm me but hey im just tryna survive in a third world city in America like the best boi i can be.

Just wanna shoutout the hotel desk girl who got us a room, the old tire man who spared out thin wallets and speedy service and that lady from Lumberton who I hope at least is somewhere warm and safe because GOTDAMN was our shelter cold as hell, like I felt like it was a solid 40 degrees in there. Plus all the little peeps along the way who helped us out in minor ways.

Also did I mention ppl driving in the Sandhills are rude and aggressive as hell? Yes? Well, I’m saying this again. They are the kind of ppl to road rage ur ass.

Just keep the smaller cities in the wide circle of Florence’s thot circle of destruction.

Yeet dabs

               ~Jek