#I said I'd write it and i got around to it about 10 months later

[pizzaboat]

Eda Clawthorne and BPD

Eda is a character I never really associated with something like BPD(Borderline Personality Disorder) until I’d done more research on the disorder myself. Initially, I’d had a one size fits all idea in my mind for what a manifestation of BPD could look like.

But after finishing the Owl House in its entirety, and dispelling some of my ignorance around the topic I’ve come to the headcanon that Eda has BPD.

So to start, what I understand about BPD(Borderline Personality Disorder) is that it’s a personality disorder belonging to the cluster B section in the DSM-5.

It’s generally described that people living with it, might engage in risky/self harming behaviour, have an intense fear of abandonment, struggle with addiction, and have unstable/turbulent relationships with others. People with BPD also struggle with an intense feeling of internalised shame and numbness.

BPD usually manifests after some sort of prolonged mental abuse/physical abuse/sexual abuse/ psychological abuse or trauma, and that usually happens in childhood.

Well, what does any of that have to do with Eda? How does her character link in any way to what I've described? Let’s go through it;

(I’m not an expert, this is just a headcanon that I use to look at Eda)

Addiction/Substance Abuse

Eda is implied to be an alcoholic in the show. Apple blood, her infamous favourite drink, is often used as a stand-in or a direct reference to the topic of intoxication or turning to the bottle to cope with big feelings.

Proof of apple blood being an alcohol signal can be when Luz mentions in early S2, that Eda was hard to get off the roof after she drank too much apple blood, implying she became irrational and unreasonable after drinking too much.

Another example is when Eda was seen in a tavern in Eda’s Requiem, she canonically has a large and unpaid tab in that tavern, and was drinking apple blood (from a juice box) while lamenting about the current events of her life.

A scene like that is a heavy reference to the trope of getting drunk and venting to your local bartender that can be seen in a lot of movies and tv-shows.

Eda is also potentially implied to have Depression during the show and is typically grumpy/unapproachable before her first drink, early in the morning.

I’ve headcanons before that Eda uses Apple Blood to self medicate her mood after the implications in season 2 that she is drinking more heavily (the joke about the roof, her chasing free appleblood, drinking in the tavern when she’s sad), and after season1, and during all of season 2 her mental health had taken a clear nose dive after traumatic events and perceived abandonments.

I also mentioned that people with BPD struggle with a feeling of emptiness and numbness, and Eda’s low and irritable mood could be interpreted as coming from a place of feeling hollow. (That’s my headcanon).

Addiction is also considered a risky/self harming behaviour, which leads me to my next point.

Risky/Self Harming behaviours

Eda is an impulsive and risk taking person, that usually contributes to a pretty popular ADHD headcanon for her character, but I’d also like to argue that her risk taking behaviour could also be a sign of BPD, as it typically leads her to dangerous or life threatening situations, often on purpose.

A small example of this is when searching for titan blood, she pushes herself in front of a laser beam and urges King to shoot her with it to trigger her harpy powers. In that episode she was struggling to go harpy mode;

And the episode before that, Knock Knock Knockin’ on Hooty’s Door, she was shown depriving herself of sleep and worrying about not being ready for the day of unity. Eda had proved she was anxious to be ready and willing to hurt herself to be so, stemming from an internal feeling of frustration and worthlessness because she didn’t have what she needed to be ready.

In the cave, I think her action to jump in front of the laser, disguising her actions as a childish and silly request of bone-headedness was her hiding her self-destructive instincts and inner frustration in plain sight.

Her risky behaviours are driven by a deep self hatred and that leads me to her most risky action of all…

Fear of Abandonment

When Eda overhears the kids talking about telling her something, she spirals and assumes the worst. She spends that episode devaluing herself, trying to self-soothe with apple blood, and distancing herself from the kids in response to her assumption that they only have the worst news for her.

Luz is leaving and King wants to live with his dad.

She spends the day living out what appears to be a fantasy with Raine, where she is ‘Mama Eda’ to the younger BATTs members and she and Raine are playfully dancing around each other with some not so subtle flirting. It resembles a family life, where her and Raine are married, or atleast happily together, and the BATTs are like her very own kids that need her.

(it’s key to point out that Raine did most of the heavy flirting and was active, while Eda just bathed herself in the situation. Likely because while it was what she wanted, she’d also expressed earlier in the episode that she felt everyone left her in the end and all good things ended).

When this fanasy/substition falls through and the rebellion is busted, her and Raine play a murder-suicide duet attempt together, where Raine then learns that there’s more to the story than Eda is letting on, and that she isn’t just being motivated to do the heroic thing because she has nothing to lose.

Raine clearly realises Eda is trying to die because she has something to lose, and she assumes she is losing it. Dying to Eda is less painful and scary than being abandoned again.

I mentioned that childhood trauma/abuse can cause BPD to develop, and I’d argue that having a curse that caused the people she loved to leave her because she pushed them away, or because it seemed like her curse made her too monstrous to love, is pretty traumatising.

And that fear of abandonment predates even the curse, as it was revealed in the flashback episode where her and Raine met, that Eda had no friends, was ostracised by her teachers/principle and that she was terrified of being separate from Lilith; her only friend. Eda didn't know what an expulsion would mean for their relationship, if Lilith would still be her best friend, or if Lilith progressed onwards without her, would she abandon Eda?

Well, that worry was validated when it was revealed their sister relationship fell apart sometime between their late teens and mid-forties, when Lilith is introduced as Eda’s rival and Eda’s expression is stormy when she first sees Lilith on screen, it’s laos important to note that Lilith attacked first at the convention with her words, and Eda, having some very stormy feelings about her sister, responds to the greeting by cutting Lilith down in front of young fans in a way she knows will rile up her sister.

She basically attacks Lilith’s mask by mentioning that Lilith peed herself at a convention as a kid, and then proceeds to act childish in Lilith’s presence to wind her up and prove to Lilith that she is no better than Eda and that she’s not changed a bit since they were kids where it counts, according to Lilith.

We don’t know what caused Eda and Lilith to feud like this, but it can be assumed that LIlith joining a coven that allows only two days off a year made Eda feel like she was abandoned by her sister in some of the worst years of her life, by the person she once called her best friend.

The breakdown of such an important relationship would be upsetting to anyone, but to Eda, in the situation she was in, that would have to be further traumatising.

To add to the familial issues, Eda has issues with Gwen.

The entirety of keeping up a-fear-ances was about how gwen had failed both her daughters, but for this post, it’s that Gwen treated the curse, something so integral to Eda and her life at this point, something that Eda cannot change or separate herself from, like something her mom needed to cure her of.

To eradicate. So much so that she disregarded Eda’s bodily autonomy and safety at multiple points in just one episode and caused Eda to snap. She scared Eda into running away as a teenager, and she had to apologise to Eda in that episode for making her daughter feel like she didn’t love her. “I love every part of you.” - to paraphrase what Gwen said.

It’s not hard to imagine that feeling like your own mother would rather risk your health and happiness, disregard your wishes and try to remove an unremovable part of your person, would make you feel more unlovable and broken than you already feel.

I’m sure that this contributed to Eda’s fear of abandonment and would help cultivate the already existing internal shame she feels just for existing next to her loved ones and feeling like she’s not good enough to be in their lives because all she does is hurt them.

Yup, this is setting up my next point…

Shame/Low Sense of Self-Worth

Proof that Eda’s self-worth is low and her inner shame is high comes from how she treats her kids and her father. Eda struggles to look at people she feels she’s let down. While some individuals with BPD might do everything to avoid abandonment, Eda tends to abandon people first and devalues herself in the process, convincing herself she doesn’t deserve to fight for them or be in their company.

Her inner shame mostly stems from how she handles her curse, its impact on her life, and her past relationships. With Luz and King, she initially keeps up a protective wall and avoids physical affection. When she believes they are leaving her, she justifies her suicidal thoughts to Raine by denying her role as their "mother," revealing her deep-seated belief that she's unworthy of such a title.

Despite considering them her children, Eda questions her ability to be a suitable mother figure, expressing doubts about her worthiness. It takes reassurance from Raine for Eda to begin to accept that she is needed and, consequently, good enough.

Her relationship with Dell, though mentioned sparingly, has left lasting scars. Eda blames herself for hurting him and struggles to forgive herself, even when her father asks her to move on from the past.

In Knock Knock-Knocking on Hooty’s Door, Eda implies that she is haunted by nightmares of her breakup with Raine, blaming herself entirely for their breakup. This implied consistent rumination suggests that she feels responsible for every abandonment and rejection she has experienced, exacerbating her inner shame.

Raine was likely the last stable influence in Eda’s life, and her breakup further solidified Eda’s belief that she is the cause of her own abandonment. This cycle of self-blame and perceived rejection has left lasting mental scars, reinforcing Eda’s sense of brokenness and perpetuating her feelings of endless abandonment.

By examining Eda’s behaviour and internal struggles, it becomes evident that her shame and low sense of self-worth are deeply ingrained, shaping her relationships and interactions throughout the series.

Splitting

I can’t really talk about a BPD headcanon without mentioning its most famous feature. Splitting, from what I understand, is when a person's mood, sense of self, or perception of others shifts dramatically in the other direction in response to a threat, stressor, or trigger.

It might not just look like, “I like this person.” “Now I hate this person.” It can manifest as more dynamic, extreme black-and-white thinking, where something is either all or nothing:

“She always does this.”

“He never does that.”

“Things always go wrong.”

“This always goes right.”

The black-and-white thinking can be either positive or negative and can even be about a person's own self. And this is where my headcanon goes a bit shaky, because all I really have to go off of is Eda’s initial attitude of “We weirdos stick together,” and then how she switches those ideals up when she’s devaluing herself and her importance within the relationships she has with friends and family.

This is particularly evident with the kids and her extreme and impulsive suicide attempt, where I get this feeling of “I’m not good enough, and I will never be good enough.” off of her.

She also changes her mood with Lilith very quickly during the season 1 finale. A few minutes ago, she was ready to kill her sister and saw her as the most vile person she’d ever met. The next minute, she is letting her sister back into her house and wanting a relationship with her again after she split the curse.

There is this kind of emotional impermanence where she forgives Lilith and goes straight back to wanting to be friends with her at a speed and level that isn’t common at all. No matter what is done to Eda, she seems to bounce back quickly, no matter how badly she’s hurt in the end.

That's all I've really got for that, to be honest. If I find more that explores this idea better, I will probably make a post about it.

Conclusion

I think that turbulent relationships, a massive fear of abandonment, risky and impulsive behaviours and high shame/low self esteem are key parts of Eda’s character and that’s why I headcanon her to have BPD(borderline personality disorder.)

[for-a-longlongtime]

FIC REC: Possession (Din Djarin x reader x Cobb Vanth)

Excerpt of Possession:

“Keep touching him, Cobb, he’s so fucking hard for it,” you gasp, mouth back on him as Cobb’s hands wander over Mando. He chokes out moans as Cobb runs a firm thumb down his bicep, wraps his hand around the back of his neck, and slides it down his back. Mando almost shouts when you assume Cobb got a good handful of his ass, bracing yourself against the headboard as Mando begins fucking you harder. You try to keep yourself from bobbing too erratically as Cobb brushes the back of your throat, shallow twitches of his hips starting to line up with Mando’s pace. With your head turned you can only see the gleaming helmet out of the corner of your eye, so when Mando’s hand comes up to caress your cheek, dropping down to an elbow to feel the outline of Cobb’s cock in your mouth, you hum at the delicate sensation. His fingers have rough calluses at the tips that light your skin on fire. “Pretty,” he grunts, leaving soft touches around your lips, down the length of your throat. “So pretty,” Cobb repeats, his fingers stroking your temple and your hair. “You’re gonna make me cum in that pretty mouth of yours, make Mando cum in your pussy.” Cobb’s other hand comes up under Mando’s helmet, cupping his chin beneath all of the fabric. “Tell me how good her cunt is, Mando. I want a taste of it when you’ve had your fill.” You feel your body clench, sucking hard against Cobb’s cock to elicit a gasp and a chuckle.

-> Read More: click this link to go to Possession!

Last year in the summer, when I was only a few months into being a Pedro fan and there still was hope for me, hehehe, I ended up falling into PPCU (Pedro Pascal Character Universe) fic because I'd slowly been making my way through his filmography and watched The Mandalorian. You all know which episode prompted that... yup, S02E01 The Marshall. My brain went 'I wonder if there's anything on Mando on AO3...', well, famous last words. As it happened to be, @prolix-yuy was one of the first author names that stuck with me on AO3, and when I joined Tumblr a month or two later, I was psyched to see LJ was here too!

For those who aren't familiar yet with her: she is such a fucking excellent writer. I had a really hard time picking only one of her fics for this Summer Spotlight Series, but I just had to go for Possession because Jesus Christ, it's so hot. But it's so much more than delicious smut, because you can really feel the love and care that has been put into this fic (as LJ does with everything she writes!). She's captured both Din's and Cobb's personalities in such an accurate, precise manner, and it's those differences between them that make this such a great piece.

I'm also a really big fan of MMF/threesome fic that doesn't have reader x P Boy, or just heterosexual sex, as the main focus; to each their own, but I like my men and my smut queer, if possible. Possession also really delivers on this, and the buildup towards Din and Cobb getting intimate is just so.fucking.GOOD. Exactly how I would imagine that would go in such a situation, very true to their characters. It's an actual threesome, with everybody involved really into it (not 'taking turns'), and damn it's just fire. I found myself being into reader as much as I was into any of the guys, and I love how she read them so well and figured out all that mutual attraction -- and decided to get in on that.

I've lost track of how many times I've re-read Possession at this point, but it's definitely somewhere around 8 to 10 times. It's also the perfect example of how 'smutty fic' really isn't just about sex, but often a total character study and so revealing about desires, intentions, things that may hold a person back, etc. It's also one of the absolute finest fics in how it deals with Din's helmet and how that may be in contrast with his desires (and how he solves it).

LJ, I've said before on several occasions how much I love your work, but I'm just gonna tell you again. You rock!

[wrestletotheground]

~ promptober day 3 ~

scary movies - ross macdonald fluff

no cws just cute boyfriend ross

the buzz of the doorbell rang through the house, waking me up from my nap. I tapped on my phone to check the time. 7pm. 'shit', I muttered, jumping out of bed and hurrying down the stairs to answer. I swung the door open to see ross standing there with a huge smile on his face. he looked so adorable in his black hoodie and grey tracksuit bottoms, hair tied back into a clean ponytail, the leaves and trees of the garden framing him in red, brown and orange.

'hi baby', I said, diving straight into his open arms, letting him envelop me in him. I breathed in his scent, warm and comforting in the chill of the october air. 'i missed you darling', he said, pulling away slightly to look down into my eyes. 'I missed you too, the 9 hours you've been gone felt like too long', I replied truthfully. we'd been living together for 3 months and it still felt surreal, waking up beside the love of my life every day and spending more time with him than ever on days we had off from work (and in his case, touring).

it was then I noticed the shopping bag on the ground by his side. he saw me looking, and without me having to ask, said 'I thought we could have a little movie night to kick off the start of spooky season. I went to tesco on the way home and got all of our favourite snacks'.

my heart melted at the gesture. after the long week I'd had this was just what I needed. 'ross,' i cooed, pouting my bottom lip. 'what did i do to deserve you?' I asked, resting my chin on his chest. he smile at me before leaning down to kiss me gently. 'go in and pick a film love, ill get food sorted'.

~

10 minutes later he reappeared from the kitchen balancing a bowl of buttered popcorn, 2 cans of cherry coke, a bag of chilli heatwave doritos under his arm, sour cream dip and a bag of m&ms between his teeth. 'jesus, someone took advantage of their clubcard', I laughed, getting up to help him put everything down. 'I got it, I got it', he said around the m&m packet, squatting down to the coffee table. he flicked off the big light, leaving just the warm glow of the lamp in the corner and the tv screen. he then produced a lighter from his pocket and bent down to light the scented candle across from us.

once everything was set up he sat down beside me on the couch. the atmosphere was so cosy and cute, it truly felt like halloween season now.

I returned my gaze to the tv, flicking through the endless films under "halloween" on netflix. 'have you still not decided?' he asked. 'listen. there's a lot of options', I started, looking over to see him looking at me incredulously. 'fifteen minutes I was gone for, unbelievable', he replied, shaking his head. 'ten', I mumbled, pushing his arm playfully, still swiping through the catalogue of spooky films.

'what about one of them tim burton ones you have on dvd?' I snapped my head around, gasping theatrically. 'ross. you're a genius' I replied. I practically ran over to turn on the dvd player. I picked up the corpse bride, my favourite, and showed it to him. 'perfect, whatever you want darling', he said, grinning.

I put it on and sat back beside him. he put his arm around me and I lay into him contently as the opening credits played. I pulled the blanket down from the end of the couch over us and snuggled into him. his thumb rubbed up and down on my arm comfortingly, a constant reminder of his love for me.

I took a moment to look around the room. everything was perfect. ross, the film, the seasonal decorations, the pumpkin spice candle burning on the fireplace in our living room. our home. together.

{s/o to @abiiors for the cutest prompts I'm having sm fun reading n writing them 🤭}

[compact-turtle]

Time to know the creator!!!! <3

1st question: Are you gonna tell us some of the Yan's you have in the future?

2nd question: How are you feeling?

3rd question: What Inspired you to write, what was you're confidence/Idol?

Thank you Anon! I put both of these together since its just you asking lol! I hope that everything is going well in your life right now and you can continue to stick around!

love and appreciate you too ( ＾◡＾)っ ♡

--------

1st question:

It's a secret but just bc its you who asked, I'll tell you <3

I'm thinking of writing a female Yan. I'm not sure what I want her to be yet. I was considering either a witch or a fairy. (both pretty cliche ik lol). The details are currently in the works but I have a general idea of where I want the story to go.

2ND QUESTION

I'm a little worried since my finals are coming up. I was going to post my 1000 followers special event after finals! So probably around the later half of may.

Also I'm probably going to have to do a 2 week haitus after I post Yandere Space Adventure pt 2 this week to prepare for finals :(

OFC, i'll still answer small questions and do small requests.

3rd QUESTION:

so the reason i started writing is a bit silly lol

During the 2020 lockdown/quarantine, I got into genshin impact hardcore. I had multiple character skins (uhh dropped 50 dollars for the Diluc one too), spent actual dollars for character banners and was AR60. Surprisingly, did my dailies everyday and was in multiple genshin impact discord servers and purchased so many genshin impact cosplays.

Genshin Impact was genuinely my life for two years. However, the enjoyment of it has gone downhill for me. I struggled to find a hobby or something to fill the void. Life for real felt empty without purpose after I stopped playing. For a while, tiktok took over but it didn't feel as fufilling.

Then I remembered in early high school how I would read and write yandere stories. (Exclusively on quotev lmao). I figured it'd be fun try Tumblr since it was a fandom staple. I never had it because I was always way too confused on how it worked. So this is my first Tumblr account!

I would just use my blog to read some stories. Before bed, I'd have a million ideas for yandere stories. I never thought I'd write anything since these were just cute stories in my head. It wasn't until a month later that I decided to start writing somethings.

-----

Some of the pages that inspired me to write were

@running-with-kn1ves <- there's nothing bad that they could every write.

@suiana <- first every yandere tumblr blog that I encountered and spent days consuming their works lol

@bunny-yan <- Their idea of a reincarnated hero shook me to the core. I loved the idea of a darling who just couldn't put up with it anymore.

@bxnnyblue (RIP blog, will always be loved <3)

@darkbluekies <- I got super attached to their works about Hedwig. Something about a rich girl taking care of me just hits different.

@darling--core <- I ate their Yan! Ceo and Yan! Criminal work up. I also enjoy their writing in general.

@moyazaika <- What if I said I loved everything about their works! Thx for sharing your stories for the world

@hana-no-seiiki <- An educated scholar who's talented at everything from academics to writing fics (uhhh also 100/10 art skills) (also their new fix about feroze x eve just came out)

@obsessivevoidkitten <- Loved their series about the Yandere Goblin Shark!!

[norbezjones]

I've been thinking a lot about something concerning Romance The Backrooms, so I wanted to write it down and share it.

Content Warning: Discussion of suicidal thoughts, self harm, mental health issues, and homelessness. There is a hopeful ending.

I got the idea for RtB in October, when I was living on a friend's couch and trying to find permanent housing. That ended up being a really difficult month for me, because I self-harmed for the first time in months and, as a result, I went to inpatient.

I was there for a while, and I got better. With all the time I had in thee, I worked on creative things, and really fleshed out RtB. I couldn't live with my friend anymore after October ended, but the social worker told me that she would find me a group home.

However, when I was transferred to a different wing of the hospital, I was given a new social worker. And this one said that I couldn't get into a group home, and he was going to discharge me into a homeless shelter asap.

That resulted in a spike of suicidal thoughts. Why had I come this far, only for this to happen to me? Should I just end it? But, no--if I did that, who would be around to make Romance The Backrooms? If my light snuffed out now, that game would never be made.

I've been suicidal since I was 10 years old, and it's usually not big, grand things that make me want to stay alive. It's the dogs I would never pet and the movies I'd never be able to watch that make me say, "One more day." And RtB became my "One more day." It became the reason why I persevered.

After I was discharged, my friends told me that I still needed inpatient help & psychiatric care. So after toughing things out for a few days, I brought myself to the ER and was admitted. A few days later, I was brought to another inpatient, and two weeks later, that inpatient sent me to a short-term residential program.

It was a wonderful program, and I met some fantastic people there. I also worked more on RtB--I figured out all of my love interests, and drew them for the first time. On the characters profiles, which you can view here, there are drawings with the description, "Concept art from when I was in treatment in December 2023." These were all done while I was at the residential program.

I was able to scrounge up some money to be able to get an Airbnb after I discharged--it was cheaper than other options, and would hopefully be temporary while I searched for permanent housing.

Unfortunately, finding housing is difficult when you haven't worked in 2 years (mainly thanks to pseudo-dementia, which I've documented extensively in this game here), and don't have the money for a security deposit. I also wasn't poor enough or disabled enough to get help from the government. Very unfortunate.

Long story short, I ran out of funds to stay at the Airbnb in 2 months. I was able to get into a short-term housing program for homeless folks with mental health issues. That was when I met Kevin.

Kevin told me he could help me get hotel & housing vouchers if I went with him after our time at the program was done. I had no other options, so I did. I spent the money I had keeping us afloat at a motel while we waited for the voucher, and went across the state to a different one when Kevin told me the one we were at wouldn't accept the voucher. When he left to retrieve it, I waited very patiently for him to return.

He never did.

I suspect the whole thing was some sort of scam all along, and even though part of me knew it could be, I went with it because it was either go with Kevin, or go to the homeless shelter.

The next day, I had to check out of the motel--I had literally no money left. I gathered my bags and sat in the lobby--well, I say lobby, but there weren't any chairs or tables, so I was basically sitting on the ground in the corner of the room, with sun from the window scorching my back--while I tried to come up with a plan.

I made a lot of phone calls to people who might be able to help me, but nothing came through. Even 211 had nothing, because the homeless shelters in the town I was in were full.

I became suicidal again at that moment. Again, the eternal question: why had I come this far, only for this to happen to me? Should I just end it?

No, goddammit. If I go now, Romance The Backrooms will never be made, I thought to myself. I want to be around to make it. I want to be around to see it through. Come on, Bez. Things looks like shit, but let's keep going anyway.

Not long after that thought came to my mind, another person entered my head, someone else I could call. I wavered, but eventually decided to try calling them, and they answered. They were able to help.

It's thanks to them that I am where I am today. I have housing for a while, and I got a job that I'm satisfied with.

Best of all, I'm working on Romance The Backrooms.

I'm so happy I stayed around to see it through.

[sillybruja]

keep reading if you wanna know about the craziest liar and well known spn roleplayer I've met on tumblr

I will never forget being on tumblr from 2011 - 2015 and being in the supernatural role playing community. It was both one of the best, and worst experiences of my entire life. I role played as Dean Winchester (and actually my page is still up, and I might start up again) and had a fairly large following.

during 2011, the SPN rp community just started growing so I, among a few of my mun friends, were like the "It girls and guys". It's so insane to think about it now, 10+ years later. There were people out there who did not roleplay that would follow me, and reblog my threads just because they appreciated by writing ^.^ it was so sweet. Back to my memory lol.

Anyways, I made friends with a rper on here who ran a Castiel account. We very obviously shipped Dean & Cas, and so did a lot of people. People even shipped us xD we had a ship name and everything. This person became my best friend in real time.

I really really thought I knew this person. He told me everything, every part of his life, every heart break from some dumb guy, every accident he's ever made, etc. I saw him as not only a best friend but a brother.

around 2013, my life took a turn -- things got more serious for me, and I fell off from roleplaying for a bit, and we lost contact. I remember he just eventually stopped responding to my messages. This wasn't okay for me because before he ghosted me, he told me he was really sick. I was always worried that the last text I sent him was the last I'd ever hear from him.

Eventually he did respond to me, and I remember him saying, "I'm fine, I might just be gone for a while. It's not your fault" and that was that. Mind you, I was 10+ years younger, and I really felt devastated.

Several months later, I logged back onto my roleplaying account. I remember being spammed with asks and messages about him. One of our mutuals sent me a message saying he had passed away a month prior. She showed me the go fund me that was started for him to cover his funeral expenses. My heart was shattered.

The next year was spent of thinking about him almost every day. I felt so sorry that things ended the way they did, and that he was gone. I honestly felt grief that entire year.

In 2015, I get this intuitive 'nudge' to check my tumblr again. This time when I log in, I see appreciation posts about him, and all of those feelings come back. I remember trying to get back into rping in honor of him, and I remember coming across an account that seemed awfully familiar.

This was another castiel account, almost identical in text, aesthetic, vocabulary, even same psds. I just knew it was him. I can't tell you how, I just did. I remember thinking I was crazy and that this was grief... but, unfortunately, I was right.

Eventually, I gathered the nerve to reach out to this account. I cannot remember the name they gave me. But I talked to them, and I sort of played detective lol.

I deeply knew it was him and felt like it was so wrong that he lied about everything, had everyone upset, and took HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS from people who donated for his funeral.

One day, I was just tired of being nice. I approached him about it all. Of course he denied it. I badgered him about it though, and I even told him that what he is doing is illegal, and that he owes it to people who are mourning a very much alive person.

I didn't stop until he came forward.

He said, "I'm sorry, I had to do this to be with my boyfriend" and my jaw was on the freaking floor.

I told him to come forward, or I will have to do something about this.

Of course, he did not. Instead, he deleted his account. I tried to make a claim against him, but it was never looked into.

I will never forget that.

and if he's still out there, I hope he actually understands the weight of his actions. and I hope justice gets served.

[rockbottomwithashovel]

In Honour of Invasion Day <3 (/sarc)

I would like to be proud of my country. I want to celebrate the culture of mateship, siding with the underdog, telling the pollies to piss off and multicultural diversity... but how can I??

How can I be proud of my country when the day we celebrate the country is the very day that this nation got stolen from the 'traditional owners'. There's already a problem with that term, see, a lot of Aboriginal people (First Nation Aussies and Islanders) see it as they belong to the land, not vice versa. I would like to appreciate Kevin Rudd's apology speech back in 2008, but not much changed, so where's the apology in that??

The people who's land I am currently writing this on deserve better than being seen as "lesser". What people don't realize is that the racism in this country is far from gone. Did you know that the stolen generation legislation didn't stop being a thing until 1969? Sounds a long time ago, right? That was only 55 years ago. My mother is older than that. Let that sink in. There are 55 year old men and women out there who were stolen from their families and given to white people for some wankery of an excuse "so they can have a better life" more like so they can be "civilized" and assimilated to our culture which we deem correct and anyone who stands in the face gets murdered, thrown in jail or worse.

I would love to celebrate, crack open a tinny, play some cricket and sing waltzing fucking matilda but that's not right. I have no rights to celebrate when fellow Australians have little rights in general and are being put in jail left and right, beaten to a pulp and left to die in prisons. And of course their deaths get covered up. The police brutality in Australia is horrific because it's insidious (I'm about to write another post about this with statistics, so stay tuned). A lot of cops around here will let you off with a warning, chilled out... but that's my experience. As a white girl who can cry tears at her "mistakes". I remember once I talked myself out of a $200 on the spot fine for sneaking onto a train, said I lost my ticket and fake cried over it (shitty move, right? But to be fair, I couldn't afford the train ticket, let alone a fine). The officers were nice, gave me a warning. But how nice would they have been if I weren't white? I'd probably have been taken in to the station even if I genuinely had been crying, bought a ticket, and lost it.

There is so much fucking racism in this country. I remember being 10, disgusted as the class threw the new, Aboriginal kid under the bus for a missing toy in the class room. He didn't steal it. We found it months later. But the hell he got as the students and teachers blamed him for it? He moved schools (Darren, if you're reading this, I'm so fucking sorry for not doing more). This system is against them. And my country, my people, have the nerve to celebrate this culture on the day that marked genocide of people who were perfectly happy just living??

Sometimes I hate being white. It's an unfair advantage and I don't want anything to do with those colonizing aka land stealing genocidal bastards, but what the fuck is the point in having this privilege if I don't use it? If Indigenous people aren't getting heard then I'll stand with them, maybe this racist system will listen to a white girl.

(Final note, you're not punk if you don't fight the system, you're a poser, if you don't stand up for people who are dying you're an asshole, if you're part of a minority and let other minorities get squashes what the fuck is wrong with you, and last but not least, if you don't have an opinion on things like this, you might want to check your privilege.)

[alastorsbride]

I have no inspiration 😭😭😭 so here's a copy (and edit) of chapter 2 or A Diary of a sinner. (Btw it's like 11pmish and I can't sleep 😅🤭 this chapter going to be short sorry 😔 could someone please request anything? I'm so bored and I got no ideas!!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Chappy 2

𝑯𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒔 𝒖𝒑:

Nim is Y/N's demon nickname, short for Nightmare Damsel. Also, I'm adding other characters in this story from Vox Machina and the reader is Hisirdoux Casprians twin sister, Douxie is also married to Zoe.

▅▄▃▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▁▂▃▄▅

Gunslinger Percival de Rolo III (human brother)

Cassandra De Rolo (human sister)

Gnome cleric Pike Trickfoot

Barbarian Grog Strongjaw

Gnome bard Scanlan Shorthalt,

Half-elf druid Keyleth

Half-elf rogue Vax'ildan (elf brother)

Half-elf ranger Vex'ahlia (elf sister)

(Ignore the list of the creature the characters are, it's just so I have an idea of who's who because my memory kinda sucks.💀)

───✱*.｡:｡✱*.:｡✧*.｡✰*.:｡✧*.｡:｡*.｡✱ ───

Previously on The Diary Of A Sinner:

I sighed silently. Vlad and Vanellope never left my mind. I could never stop thinking of them. They were only 9 and 10 years of age when I died. I wished I could've lived longer.

I suddenly got the feeling of being followed. 'Hmmm. Who's wishing to die now?' I thought. I changed my course and walked down an alley, and then turned around and got in a defensive position with my twin daggers ready.

"I know you followed me. Not quite wise." I spoke menacingly and threatened.

"Ooh, come on Nim, you wouldn't hurt an ol' friend, would ya sweets?" A familiar traditional Brooklyn gangster voice called out.

I twisted my daggers backward, and they disappeared in F/C smoke. I scoffed.

"Don't try me, Dusty." I spoke.

The voice laughed. "Yeah, it might be a good idea."

I chuckled. The voice wrapped his arm around my shoulder as if we were the best of friends.

"Well, I'd love to stay and chat to catch up, but unfortunately, I have to go." I shook my shoulder out of his grip.

"Well, hopefully I'll see you later then? Hmm?" And the voice got a phone call.

I left down to a small looking shop called Gilmores Shop.

"Hey guys," I called to the group gathered around the bar lobby. chatting or doing whatever.

"Nim!" A short male gnome spoke.

"What's up?" Vax asked twisting his knives in his hand.

"Nothing. Just ran into an old friend." I spoke.

"Y/N. What happened? You smell like blood." Percival asked, not believing me.

Right. I forgot that after Dusty chatted with me, I'd gotten into a fight with a couple of demons, won and then got myself cleaned off.

"Nothing to worry about. I'm fine." I said, casually.

"Uh huh." Percy muttered.

I rolled my eyes and grabbed a drink. This was my turf. And I can do whatever I wanted.

"Seriously, I'm fine. Like always. Are you forgetting who I am? Or do I have to remind you?" I threaten sternly.

"No, no, just... Nothing nevermind." Percival spoke.

"That's what I thought." I said.

"So... Nim... When is your brother coming back?" The little elf girl asked.

"Not for another six months. Pike."

I̶ t̶h̶o̶u̶g̶h̶t̶ h̶e̶r̶ n̶a̶m̶e̶ w̶a̶s̶ P̶i̶e̶ o̶r̶ K̶i̶t̶e̶ i̶n̶ t̶h̶e̶ s̶e̶r̶i̶e̶s̶ I̶ d̶i̶d̶n̶'̶t̶ k̶n̶o̶w̶ h̶e̶r̶ n̶a̶m̶e̶ t̶i̶l̶l̶ I̶ l̶o̶o̶k̶e̶d̶ i̶t̶ u̶p̶ 💀

"Oh thats too bad. I had a question for him."

I just shrugged. I had a suspicion that she liked my brother, Hisirdoux. But I'd already told her he was married to Zoe like a hundred times before.

✧○ꊞ○ꊞ○•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙○♡๑•୨୧ ୨୧•๑♡○•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙○ꊞ○ꊞ○✧

So sorry the chapter is so short, I hit a writers block 😭

So I recently red a very good book called Radio By Your Side [One-Shots] by @Mad_and_Twisted (on wattpad) and I love the one shots so much, the only thing I didn't like was being left on a cliffhanger and that the One Shots wouldn't be a story.

And a reminder? :

So I'd decided to write this book from One-Shots and combine a whole bunch of them to 'make them my own' so that I don't copy from the author cause there's a ᏞϴͲ of authors who don't like it. But I don't really care if ya'll copy off of me, just as long as y'all credit me in the end. ☺

Also, I might not write this story for long, just a heads up. Sorry but when I get writers block for a long periods of time, and then get 'cured' I stop writing whatever it was before I got the major writers block illness. 😭😭😭

Also! I'm now officially grade 12! 🥺😨Exams are done for me but my sister who's in grade 8 still has exams to do... 😥 but I should have more time on my hands to write!

That is... If I get cured of this writers block...

Grade 12 is going to be so hard when I graduate, like I've traveled so much and never stayed at 1 school for long but then when I came here, i was in grade 7, so I wasnt really sad, but then when I got to grade 8 and up to now, it's like, I'm saying goodbye to everyone. I'm not going to be able to see them or even talk to my friends again and if I do, I'll be ᒐᙀᙅКƳ if that happens.

But I still have to say goodbye to all the relationships I've made these past 6 years. And when I move out, like I'm so used to hugging and kissing my mom and dad before leaving the house and before going to bed that after I'm moved out I won't be able to do that. I'd have to get my drivers license, drive from wherever im at to my parents home, hug and kiss them goodnight/goodmorning and then drive back home.

Sorry I just put that all on you guys it was just going through my head at the time.

Thank you and have a good day/afternoon/night stay safe (and if it's bed time for you, good night, sweet dreams!🤗)

Again, so sorry.

[tetrakys]

Is august 2023, Eldarya is almost dead but y'all still thinking about faery dick haha! Anyway, since Chino put that unholy post in from of my poor eyes, I'm coming to say hi! and hoping you're doing good.

Ikepri Silvio is out and he make me thought about you because you love enemies to lovers. So far I'm sold, the story is hilarious and makes me think on that movie "How to lose a guy in 10 days" in the sense that Silvio is like "I'm going to make you fall in love with me bitch" and MC is like "I'm going to make you wish you're dead". I think I'm going to have so much fun for the next few days.

I'm finally jumped into Ikevamp 84 years later (because Sebas was out last year) but I ended hooked into the game because of Faust, and I can`t believe I ended falling in love like a fool a second time with the same type of character: Faust is just Klaus from Wizardess Heart but with a upgrade (He a priest and a vampire and has glasses) and I can't believe that Faust exist because he is everything I wanted in a otome character and I'm a total sucker for that sadistic asshole ❤️.

I have not played that much lately (aside from Tears of Themis but that's a BIG parenthesis), but I did enjoyed myself in the past few months and I wanted to share a bit of my experience with fun asshole characters (because I thought maybe you would get me). I hope you can share with me if you're up lately to something fun (reading or playing) :)!

Hiiiii!!! It's been a while, it's always lovely to see you around 💕

Oh what you said is so interesting because, firstly, I'd heard about ikepri Silvio being an asshole and potentially my type and the only reason I didn’t check the game at all is that ikevamp's dynamic ended up boring me since it's always the same story plus I find the MC super lame playing maid and getting kidnapped in every route. But from what you described ikepri's MC seems a bit better? Does she have a personality? Agency? I may consider downloading the app if that’s the case. Aaaaand yeah... Faust... he is the ONE reason I still haven't deleted the ikevamp app, I've had my eye on him since the first time he was announced, but I haven't played his route yet for the same reasons mentioned above. I really should though. Another reason why I got upset with ikevamp is that I was waiting for a specific event... ehm... cough cough *threesomes event* cough and apparently it was ran and I didn’t know and I missed it 😭😭 I've been heartbroken since then.

So what I've been up to lately? I haven't played much of anything, only MCL basically, I am really looking forward the new game because one of the crushes is a sadistic asshole, just the way we like them lol are you going to check New Gen out?

Other than MCL, I have been writing an Alternate route for Lance in Eldarya. Chinomiko created the plot and I've been writing it, posting it on AO3, I'm currently writing the final chapter.

Oh and my latest obsession is Fourth Wing, I recently read the book and I'm impatiently waiting for the second to be released in November. Have you heard about it?

[mygainyear2024]

Day 47-48 From Coimbra, now in Porto

I sit writing with my second (make that third and then fourth) glass of a young port (5 years old). A gift from the airbnb host, from her family's vineyard.

Yesterday I caught the train from Coimbra to Porto (I arrived so early and then almost missed it as I was paying attention to the destination and not the train number. My train was going on to Braga and so arriving on time, whereas I was looking at the Porto train arriving later and the Uber driver told me the trains are often late so that's the story I told myself. I don't know what made me realise the train that was coming into the station was the one I needed to be on. I was sitting in the waiting room. I ended up sprinting across the tracks behind the train with two suitcases and a backpack. I just jumped on the first carriage, well maybe not jumped, as the steps are above the platform and a couple helped me lift up those cases. I breathed a sigh of relief. The conductor said "don't worry, so many people run for the train!")

After upending my belongings all over the apartment (it's the most disappointing one so far - fewer cooking facilities and no washing machine and quite cramped) I head for my first coffee recommendation off the Kava app and it did not disappoint - Protest Kitchen - I even love the name. They make me a perfect latte with fresh milk, and I can taste the flavour of the beans and what the hell, I also order a cinnamon roll with nuts and syrup, divine! As I've already shared on my FB page, it was a Harry Met Sally moment. I got some supplies from the reliable Pingo Doce supermarket chain and then headed for the gym (a little difficult to find but well worth the perseverance as they're having a special, only €10 for the whole month of May and they have gyms in Lisbon where I'm heading next). It is incredibly crowded and the bikes in the cycling studio look as old as some of the buildings in Porto, but it's only €10!

I get a chance to meet up with Michelle Loch (my coach mentor from 2011 and "neighbour" from Taringa days) and a group of her friends who are about to embark on an eight day hike around the Douro Valley. Now why didn't Eva (Upwork) think of that hike! We have a drink down by the Douro River and then head to a lovely restaurant, the shiraz is delicious. Sadly it's a tad cold here and has been raining on and off. And quite noticeably from the places I've already been, there's also too many tourists and crowds and they're all getting in the way of my pictures LOL!

The airbnb host gave me a long list of things to do and eat, as did today's Sandeman's walking tour guide. That added to the long list in the calendar section of my iphone, and now also I've set alarms to remind me! I am not going to scratch the surface in one week. I read a post that recommended just taking Porto as it comes and that's what I'm going to do. Accept that the list won't all be ticked.

After trying one of the best pastel de nata recommendations this morning and, according to the airbnb host, the best éclairs in the world this afternoon (I don't agree), there are so many restaurant recommendations, and most places are already pretty full or with queues out the door. So tonight I have some simple tapas and a large glass of red wine at the newly opened TimeOut markets next to São Bento station and then what the heck, I google best gelato in Porto and find Gelataria Portuense. I think I'd rate this the best gelato so far. I had the peanut and caramel and café and black sesame.

[viharistenno]

Hey, I'm super tired right now and can't decide which of the unpublished fic asks I wanna ask most, so I'm gonna give full rein to you and say, answer the ask you like best about the WIP you like best! (Hoping for W13 but even if not, I'd like to hear about your writing!)

My dear Friend, have I got news for you. You asked for WH13 and I will give it to you. It's gonna be personal, but I am totally okay with sharing it when people ask, as all my writing is really personal for me in the end and I love all of them.

It was 6 and a half years ago, in April, 2017. An idea of a scene bugged me to death, my mind said THERE IS NO WAY Myka saw coffee in that dreamlike state with the red light in Buried. It had to be Helena somehow. That was the base. What made me actually start it (as always) was a feeling. At that time I was in a relationship for ~5 years and felt the wobble. I tried every thing I could think of at that time but in a lot of sense I was young and inexperienced. This was my therapeutic wishful thinking fic where I sort of made her Helena at the end of Instinct and wrote down what I wanted her to do and/or say. I did not expect I'll actually predict part of the situation but here we are (whoops). So on a sunny April afternnon I sat down and wrote 6 pages in 2 hours which is I think my all time record still. I would have written more but I had to go for a meeting. Later I wrote some more in the coming days / weeks, I got somewhere around 7k words but I think I only wrote the scene which I thought about a lot later (I do have it, I checked now!). 7 months later we broke up and against my hopes she never found her way back to me. She is better at moving on than I am and when she go together with a guy, I was devastated and even left tumblr and writing for a while. (But not before I wrote the prequel because I am very dramatique and I honestly love this about myself.)

I came back though but my relationship with B&W in reading and especially writing is only starting to recover (hence my decision to participate in the advent) but I do love the people in this fandom.

I have 10 119 words written, the longest I ever had in one fic and I had an idea about a plot that was just forming and I am so sad I wasn't able to write it down but for years it was too close and then at one point it became too distant. I think if I get myself to rewatch WH13 I might be able to continue it but I am gathering the strenght for that :) I think if I ever continue I'll post it in parts where stuff is resolved at that moment and when I finish another plot point I' upload those again. I wanted Helena to start sorting some stuff out with Myka before I throw them in some seriously angsty (but it would be fun too, cause it's me) Warehouse shenanigans and I didn't exactly get there yet.

I hope this satisfies some of your curiosity, I honestly feel I wanted to talk about it so thanks for "making me" :)

[moonchildreads]

hi there! i'm bunny and i'm new here so i thought i'd introduce myself!

i joined tumblr because my friends are here and they are all magnificent writers and i wanted to jump in on the fun :) i've been quietly working on a st4 fix-it/rewrite for months and, as i tend to do, i've buried it in google docs and kept it to myself but since my friends are so brave and actually post what they write, i thought "hey, creating a tumblr and forcing myself to interact with other people might just be the exact kind of people pressuring i need to actually finish this mammoth of a fic" so here i am, telling you about it in order to feel guilty that it's out there and forcing myself to actually write it

so, what am i writing and what can you expect from me?

i am currently working on chapter 10 of small town which is, as i've mentioned, a st4 fix-it/rewrite that focuses on this idea: what if hawkins didn't split in four in march 1986? what if vecna waited to attack until, i don't know, a canonically important date a few months later? i'm using this fic as a character exploration of the elder hellfire club members through the eyes of our protagonist, dottie (bear with me), who moved to hawkins a few months ago and is recruited into hellfire by a desperate dustin after a spring break where lucas never rejoined the party and is actually quite upset with his former friends.

what i wanted to do with small town was something the duffer brothers seem averse to doing: having their characters face consequences. it is a love story between eddie and dottie, but ultimately, romantic love is not the only kind of love that matters: this is about the friendships and bonds that bind the party to one another and make them want to risk their lives when the time comes.

here are random things i've been toying with that i think you might enjoy: eddie and wayne's relationship and how they came to live together, eddie and chrissy finding comfort in their secret smoke sessions in the woods, giving a name to the unnamed freak!, seeing more of corroded coffin and giving those three boys a personality and a life of their own, eddie and dottie bonding over mourning a parent you didn't really get to meet, dustin being the actual heart of the party (move over mike, you're not that special here), lots of bantering and shitty dialogue, references to 80s music (and broadway musicals!), idiots in love, highly researched details like hourly weather details and period appropriate kool-aid flavours, eddie graduating?, eddie surviving!, giving trauma to everyone post-vecna and reinforcing the idea that a support system doesn't make said trauma go away, but it does make it lighter to deal with.

if this sounds like something you'd be on board with, please please please let me know and come talk to me about it! i've got so much info stored in my brain about this story and i've been waiting until i finish writing to post it, but seeing how long this is taking, maybe actually talking to people about it will make the words come to me faster. i've got a very detailed outline (this is a long one! i'm expecting +30 chapters!), hella headcanons and a job that allows me to dick around on the internet at all times.

thank you for reading this far and i hope to see you around! i'd love to make new friends on this app <3

[wind-becomes-lightning]

about last words and being ready

I was thinking about which Naruto character I could project on again today to get my feelings out, but though I had a half baked idea for Mirai, I decided not to do that, instead I’m doing a stream of consciousness discussion about last words.

See, one of the drawbacks of having a parent dying over several years is that you have enough time to think about how the funeral might be. Maybe that is an advantage too? At least while my father was still alive I used to think this is an advantage, that I could prepare myself slowly for all of the grief that was to come. It was like grieving before anything had even happened.

I used to think about this a lot, back then, because a few months before my father died, an acquaintance lost their father just by sheer bad luck. Saturday he was still working in the garden with his wife, Monday they had to turn off his life support. Brain aneurysm or how that is called. He was just there and then he was gone.

My Dad by comparison was already dying for over a year at that point and it was still going to be over 10 more slow agonising months. I used to wonder, what is better? Is it better that I have time to think about the future and know he won’t be there? Or is it better to just enjoy every second together until the very end, even if it's sudden?

I remember wondering about this, when I was thinking about his funeral again, months before he was actually dead. I was so embarrassed by that always, because it was like I was declaring him dead before he was. What if he got a donated liver in time? What if he healed? Then I'd never forgive myself for thinking such things.

Either way, one of the things I used to think over and over about was the speech. As far as I can gather, people in the US usually do a speech when a relative passes away, but that's by no means normal in Germany. So when I wrote these 500 speeches in my head to say at his funeral it was because I was convinced I would want to speak at his funeral. I thought I owed him as much.

At the time, I was pretty clear that I wanted to write my speech about last words, mostly because I really loved that HIMYM episode in which they all talk about the last words with their parents. I had this whole idea about how it does not matter what my father’s last words to me were, because he’s said so many great things to me over the years and who cares if the last ones are important or not. So was the plan.

I did not speak at my father’s funeral. In fact, I never even wrote that speech down. 

You know, the last thing my dad said to me was a month before he died. Just around my birthday, when I had just turned 23. 7 years ago. He had already been so sick that he wished me happy birthday 4 times on 3 wrong days, but I didn’t care, because I knew I’d never hear him say it again.

I was getting ready to leave back to the town my university was in and entered his room to say goodbye. My mom and him by then weren’t sleeping in one bedroom together for a long time, he had a sick bed and everything. So there he is on his bed, he was just recently released from hospital again but his health was already getting worse by the day. Mom and I later talked that he probably needed to go back again.

I can’t remember everything that happened then, I probably wished him well and said I hope he can stay at home even though I knew it wasn’t happening. I think that might have been the time he asked me what “whatsapp” is. My dad, who had always known everything about the newest technological advances had no idea what whatsapp was. That was more shocking to me than it should have been.

Either way, I said goodbye, leaned over to give him a hug and then he pulled me in. He was nothing by that point, a skeleton walking, if people would ask me what death looks like I would just show them a pic of him from that time. So he presses me to his meagre chest and I’m kinda confused and then I hear he is crying. I don’t think I’ve seen my dad crying even at my grandad's funeral. 

It pains me to admit that I was embarrassed by this, that I pushed him off so I didn’t have to hear him cry anymore. I didn’t even look at his face then. I just took a step back. That was when he grabbed my hand, wished me safe travels and then said. 

“Remember that I love you, always.”

I didn’t know what to make of that, I was embarrassed. I hummed and walked out, said goodbye again and closed the door. That was it, that was the last time I would ever talk to my father.

It hit me later that he probably was aware that he would never see me again and the pain of it was too overwhelming. My father didn’t want to die. As far as I know the last thing he said to my mom when he was brought to the hospital was “Don’t make them keep me here I will die, let me go home, I don't want to die here, let me go home” which is its on can of worms and how my mom survives without therapy is beyond me.

Well, his last words to me were very lovely and wonderful and that would have lent a perfect way into the speech I had planned to write, right? But I didn’t write it or hold it after all as I’ve said.

See, this is the question again, what is better? Being prepared for it or just being surprised by it. I thought I was ready for him to die, it was a long time coming. He was suffering so much and deserved peace. I was ready, I thought. It was going to hurt but I was prepared for it.

Even during the day he actually died. 7 years ago today, I thought I was so ready for it. We decided to turn off life support in the morning and then I just sat at home next to my phone and waited for it to ring. I tried to distract myself by talking about this and then with my roommate, seem very casual. I wanted to be there with my family members but I lived too far away to make it home. I waited for the call, because I was convinced I could handle it.

But then the phone actually rang.

I remember it so clearly, picking up my phone, there was my mom, she didn’t even say anything, she just sobbed before she got a word out and I felt like someone was pulling a rug from underneath me. 

I don't know how I managed to stand upright during the call. I don't know what happened the hour after it. All I remember is a blurred room, everything ebbing and flowing like I am on a ship and the empty pit that had suddenly opened inside of me. I thought I was prepared for this. I knew this was going to happen for hours by this point, but none of it mattered.

When I came home and they asked me if I wanted to see my dad one last time I said I wasn’t ready.

They told me that my option was now or never again, and I said I was not ready. So I didn’t go. (Later I found out neither did my mom or my brother)

I suddenly felt too young to have to deal with this, as if 23 wasn’t a full blown adult with responsibilities. I couldn’t -  It was too much of a burden to bear. 

And so, the speech never happened. I didn’t even want to be at the funeral. I was so angry and hurt and thought the idea of getting up and shaking hands with people who would tell me they are sorry for me when they don’t know me and don’t know how I feel was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I wanted to yell at them to leave me alone and I did eventually yell at my mom and she yelled at me and .. death is inherently not fair.

I don’t think I even ever told my mother what the last thing he said to me was, but when I entered his room a month after he died and just sat on his bed and cried I remembered it suddenly. That he’d left me with love above everything else. I used to say, love doesn’t end with death and I believed that then still, even if it had gotten hard.

Well, I do not disagree with my original thesis statement that last words don’t matter. They are not interesting or important or change a person's relationship with you. If his last words would have been “buy a laser printer, because ink is so expensive” which wouldn’t even have been out of character for him, I would now laugh each time I buy ink from a story (sorry dad, still no laser printer!)

Still, despite all of that, I am glad that his last words to me were affirmations of love. I cherish that very much and I believe that is true. He is always gonna love me, my mom, my uncle, my brother, his children, all of us. And that is so important to me.

(Now imagine my freak out when I finally finished the Naruto manga after years of just putting off reading it fully and Itachi’s last words to Sasuke are almost exactly the same. My god, I needed a day break after that.)

If you want to do me a favour today, then please send your parents (if you get along with them) or your parental figures a message today and tell them something nice. Just be glad they are around to love you and care for you. I wish for you that you never have to lose them, or only when you are ready.

If such a thing even exists.

Or, otherwise, you could also sign up as an organ donor in whatever country you reside in. That would do too.

Don’t try to make yourself remember darling, Don’t look for me I’m just a story you’ve been told So let’s pretend a little longer Cause when we’re gone Everything goes on.

[knights-of-the-glittery-table]

I wrote a very long email to an organisation that is there to help fight on behalf of people who want to complain about their medical treatment both physical and mental heath wise.

I was given the website in Jan by someone from a charity who used to be helping me out but I've only just decided to write to them as I'm so tired emotionally.

Hello,

My name is Jenny and I live in -. I'm - with severe depression, anxiety and agoraphobia. I was given the name of your organisation in Jan by someone at - but found it tough to be able to put into words how neglected and failed I was feeling. Unfortunately I ended up having a year just as rough as all proceeding it and I'm at the point where I feel so abandoned and without support I think I can talk about it.

I lost my dad at 16 and then mum at 20, I was severely mentally ill and unmedicated at the time (failed by my family GP the entire time who diagnosed me at 14 with depression but never prescribed any medications or counselling/therapy) and it was only around 24 years old I started to be medicated. 

The last 13 years have been absolute hell and I've been let down by not only the small amount of family I have (brothers of my mum who all live far away/out of country) but so very much by the medical field as well as organisations I've reached out to.

I've reached the point where all the fight is gone out of me and I just don't have any trust or hope left. I'm so desperate to feel supported and cared about but as I said tearfully to my friend not long ago, I feel that all these places supposed to help actually have made my quality of life worse and eroded my will to live.

I have 13 years of pain and hurt with an endless amount of it put at the feet of not being given the support and treatment a person deserves. The stress and effect on my mental health as well as physical health over time has genuinely put me into such a place of not being able to trust or hope when all I want it to be able to do both of those things.

To give just very brief idea of things, here are a few things off the top of my head from the last month or so:

Being in severe mental health crisis and told to call my GP surgery back if I felt worse. I rang back two days later only to be told it was a half day so the doctor had left but would receive a call the next day. Five minutes after the call ended I receive a text message to tell me I'd receive a call 5 days from then as already prearranged. Five days is a terribly long time when you are in crisis. The phonecall I then received was very brief and told me we'd go from the appointment set in place for the next week with a nurse.

This appointment that the doctor prearranged was to speak to a nurse who is the 'go between' between the GP and psychiatric and  it ended up being cancelled three times. By the third time the text no longer told me to get in touch to rearrange so I gave up. The days leading up to each appointment before they were cancelled (the last time it was actually cancelled an hour before I was due to go, by text) were filled with awful anxiety because my previous experiences with 'mental health 'liaisons/connectors'  were truly awful. The first one made me cry and when I tried to explain that to her she got aggressive and lacked any sort of empathy for mental illness, bringing her religion into it. I asked the GP to please never put me in contact with that person again. The other time I was sat in a room with a young woman who genuinely sat in silence and just stared at me. I felt rather baffled by the silence and so just kept talking about how I was feeling and finally after near 10 minutes she spoke up only to ask me what my caffeine intake was like and had I tried screaming into a pillow and playing loud music. I left pretty soon after. These two incidents were only this year, not even that long ago.

I tried to get in touch with my surgery late last month about arranging some support by having monthly mental health wellbeing calls the same way I arranged before the surgery changed hands this time last year. I've not heard back and I don't have the fight in me anymore to try and enforce it.

After being on the waiting list for 8 months or so with Talking Together Wirral they wanted to start some counselling the same time a brief 6 sessions with Cruise bereavement started. I spoke to them and they said they'd sort it out and get back to me. Instead on the first session with this new counsellor I was informed it wasn't possible to do both at once and that it'd have to be pushed back.(They were supposed to be in touch again by mid November, never were.) I was then deeply upset by this counsellor who informed me that depression and anxiety were manageable by counselling and meds and I didn't need a higher level of care. I spent all of this year being encouraged by the GP and the nurses I was speaking to from the mental health crisis line that I was doing the right thing trying to push for a higher level of medical psychiatric care so it just confused and upset me greatly.

I apologise for the length of the email but there has been so much, I mean the whole reason I was given your name in the first place is because the lady who gave it to me was deeply unhappy with the way I was being treated and the last 11 months have only added more to that list of ways I've been failed and deeply upset. (This connector I mention I haven't spoke to since Jan as in her words I was too poorly for what third sector can offer. I tried getting in touch during a mental crisis beginning of October to ask if the next time the dwp send me spiralling into a mental heath crisis I could ask for their help but she never replied. That had an effect on me too as you can imagine.)

There's a lot I could make complaints about, just the absolute lack of care from everywhere from the GP to the access team to the times I was an outpatient with dermatology and a hundred other places and people. I've been failed on every front, for 13 years and I can't do it anymore.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[vyvesvi]

2022 music recap! (1/3?)

soloists:

after a tough battle, i finally settled on my top three soloists of 2022! this was such a great year for female solo artists in all markets. lexie liu and bibi undoubtedly played a huge role in my year, gaining 255 scrobbles and 287 scrobbles from me, respectively. what pushed lexie liu over the edge to claim the #1 spot is the uniqueness of her third studio album "the happy star," which just released this month! fun fact: lexie liu is the only artist to maintain a song in my top 10 for the past four years! it was time to admit that she's one of my favorite artists overall. i highly recommend most of the happy star (i don't personally care for gaia or shanti) but especially magician, fortuna, 3.14159, and ganma.

bibi is an interesting case- the songs of hers i listened to most, pado and eat my love (2021), are not her most popular (or even her core style). but there's something about them that scream 4.5 gen. if they were released by any rookie gg right now i'm sure they'd be hits. bibi also released an album this year, which i really liked overall! i would recommend the intro (yes, the intro), witch hunt, and motospeed 24. i have to admit that i'm not really a stan, but bibi really impressed me this year!

i have less to say about youha's satellite (currently my 9th most listened song with 48 scrobbles), despite loving it a lot. i just want a girl group to do this style. i want youha to make this her main style. it's just too good- good enough to elevate her to 3rd on my soloists list. "love you more," is her first mini and she killed it, so i'm looking forward to a bright 2023 :)

note: honorable mentions are not in any particular order, i love them all but i need to move on to the other categories lmfao

male releases:

it was a tough year for male artists in my opinion. my only bright spot was my top 3.

xiso/senji and alpha are new discoveries for me! i don't have much to say about them somehow but i would highly recommend you give them a listen! seni oilai (my 4th most listened song with 54 scrobbles) is the first song in kazakh that i've ever heard! the bass is everything to me- it's like this song was designed to take over my brain lmfao. xiso & senji are what i would call part of the onlyoneof extended cinematic universe. they work together a lot, along with haeil (and iiso iirc) and are doing some really cool stuff right on the edge of kpop and krnb.

kb actually held the #1 artist slot in my library with 219 streams for several months before being overtaken by bibi and lexie liu. he still, however, holds the #1 song spot with be free. oddly enough, i don't even think be free is necessarily "the best" of onlyoneof's solo project (that honor goes to junji's be mine) or the best conceptual execution (that would be yoojung's begin). but it is the one that scratched my brain just right. this project is so good y'all TT

gg releases:

i didn't call this one female releases because the soloists would overwhelm the list lmfao. that said, 2022 was definitely a gg year in kpop! oddly enough, despite primarily being a gg stan i actually don't stan any of the monster rookies that debuted this cycle? and i would be hard-pressed to pick a favorite honestly (i might write a whole post about 4th gen later, we'll see). that said, love dive was undoubtedly my gg soty. i don't have scrobble info for it as i primarily listened to it a ton before i got a tracking app, but according to apply music it was my number one song this year. i'd guess that the real rank is probably between 6 and 13.

lesserafim's the great mermaid isn't for everyone but it was certainly for me! another one that i listened to earlier in the year, so apple music has it at #14. i just think it's really unique and i would lovee to see a performance of it. lsf has a bright future and i'm excited to see where they go from here. (i'm also proud of them for not releasing singles lmfao!)

tripleS...i have so much to say about them that i've circled back around to having nothing to say. their first temporary subunit's mini album, access, was really solid in my opinion, but i know it's not for everyone. regardless, i think that the positive reaction to generation was 100% warranted. it's so fun!! i'll have more to say about them in a later post but yeah. my girls. i'm so excited for ot10 debut early next year!

with how much i loved purplekiss' pretty psycho, it's a bit evil for it to now not be in my top 3. i still think it's a great song (my #7 on apple music) but it's aged a lot more than the other songs on the list, including others on the same album. it's still great though, i just wish it had better choreo and was a title.

up next: concepts/albums/throwbacks/debuts

[parkerterrato]

A little background- Long Post

I've been writing since I was 13, I'm 29 now. I grew up in a family of hardcore Christians and so my access to anything, especially media was heavily scrutinized and controlled. One weekend I spent with my uncle, he let me watch his VHS collection of lord of the rings. I fell in love with fantasy right then and there. The next scholastic book order I completely ignored the animal books, my usual favorites, and poured over the sheet looking for any fantasy books that caught my eye. I was told no to harry potter for obvious reasons, but I found others.

I didn't really have friends, I was too "weird" and I just hadn't figured out how to mask quite yet. I hadn't figured out that I had to water myself down for other people to like me. But I had books, I couldn't take them to school with me because I was forced into a private Christian school, but every moment I could after school and between chores, there were books.

One of my favorites was Eragon, I think it was because I related to him. We were both raised by people in our family and didn't have our parents around. At one point I was tearing through a thick hardcover book a day. At some point, I ended up volunteering at the local library just so I had an excuse to be at the library all-day and unlimited access to books. I started hiding books in my bag that I knew my family wouldn't approve of, I would get in trouble, and potentially grounded for an unknown amount of time or smacked around depending on how "bad" the content was. I was taking home books about magic and folklore.

One of the women my uncle was dating at the time was a huge nerd. She played wow and would let me play on her account. She went through books at the same rate I did and would let me have the novels she was done with and had no intention of rereading. I had so many books one of my bookshelves collapsed.

I decided I wanted to write and publish something at around 13, I was determined. I started working on my first novel, writing any chance I got. I had come up with characters, and worlds, and I could see them so vividly it was like watching a movie when I wrote or when I was spacing out thinking about it. I later learned it was called maladaptive daydreaming. I worked on my novel finishing it in about 6 months. I didn't know the first thing about publishing, I didn't have open access to the internet, but I found books about it. I read anything I could about the publishing process, and what the procedure was.

I scrounged for change, anytime I saw some or it was left laying around I would collect it up. I'd take it to the library and print off part of my manuscript and cover letter and mailed them to publishers and literary agents. No one helped me, my family shot down any dreams that I had that weren't profitable. I hid the rejection letters. I didn't want them to see that I failed, I didn't want them to know they had been right. Things only went downhill from there.

I dropped out of school when my brothers came to live with us, I had to take care of my disabled grandmother and 2 of my younger brothers. I got a job and threw myself into working and being a parent at 17. It was pounded into me at a young age as the oldest I had to keep everyone together. It was what I was supposed to do.

At 18 my depression was at an all-time high, every day was a fight. I was fighting for some sort of normalcy in my life, what little social life I had with my friends. I decided to start dating, but everyone was against it. Someone I had connected with 2 hours away came to see me. He picked me up from work, I got in his car and my only thoughts were "We'll he's either who he says he is or he's a serial killer and it's not my problem anymore." He was who he said he was, and a few months into dating I had enough, I couldn't take things at home anymore. I spent the night at his place and begged him not to take me back. We've been together since.

Fast forward 10 years, and I have 2 amazing partners who have loved me through so much. I came out as non-binary and gay. I'm no contact with all of my family and I've started healing. I've made a small living as a freelance artist and I stay home with my 2 girls.

As part of my healing process, I started doing all the things I wanted to do and dreamed of when I was younger. I had healed my inner child, but my inner teen was still angry, they were still pissed and mourning the person I could have been if things had been different.

So I started writing, and I started breathing life into new characters and worlds. My one partner pushed me to try and publish it, and My other partner agreed to edit it for me, I'm fortunate enough that I've surrounded myself with amazingly creative people and I paid one of my close friends to design the book cover.

While my book doesn't launch until the spring gets here, getting to this exact point, and getting to the person I was meant to be has been such an experience. I want to share it with people, I want to share that books kept me afloat during my darkest times, and I want to share why I write what I write. Because for me, if writing about it, or my novels themselves can reach someone like it did me, I'll be happy.