#I spent a lot of high school being gay and trans and quiet about it

[fencesandfrogs]

One of the best moves of my life has to be reenacting an AIDS protest on 80s day in my senior year of high school.

[decaydanceunredacted]

yay💞 trans ryan not!fic time. obligatory disclaimer this is not meant 2 be speculative at ALL or representative of all trans experiences etc etc its just for funzies hokay. i am crazy. but i am free

we'll do transguy ryan first. in my mind the timeline is that he starts seriously learning ab queerness sometime in high school, super burying himself online + in books all the time. tries to be a tomboy, butch, but it just doesnt rly work. so he tells spencer one summer, hey, i think im a guy. goes through senior year knowing but not telling anyone else, except for maybe a couple more friends, spencers mom. buys new clothes and keeps his hair short and his head down til the summer after graduation; doesnt even tell brendon hes trans once brendon joins the band, brendons just like alright cool youre a guy with a girly voice whatev. he does come out to him soon enough since they get pretty close but for the most part fully intends on keeping stealth, esp as the band gets bigger, bigger, and it seriously turns into a ticket outta there.

he doesnt manage to start taking t until around mid 2006 and the costumes + makeup help a lot a lot in dealing w heavy dysphoria+general discomfort around that time and with being perceived ssooo much so fast. he got top surgery around 07 and cabin era was yes in part to make a new album but also he spent it recovering. he was able to mellow out a lot in 07/08 in big part thanks to finally being comfortable in his own body. yay💖 idk if he'd ever come out publicly or stay stealth forever. maybe? anyway

tgirl ryan is a different story entirely. it starts sort of the same - finding blogs & books about queerness about halfway through high school, and it all resonates way too deep, too much. instead of coming out, she refuses to think about it and refuses to talk about it and refuses to let comments from the public, from the press, from her friends and bandmates and pete about could be pretty for a girl, and are you sure youre not gay? get to her. again, the makeup & the costumes are solace. bending and experimenting and maybe, sometimes, seeing herself in the mirror, and still being able to snap back into place: say see, dont worry, its just for show. and she doesnt really mean to ever let it slip but its 2007, theyre supposed to be making a new album but it sort of feels like theyre making a new -- something else entirely, and, well, theyre doing a lot of drugs. she asks, do you think im a girl? sort of vaguely, the ceiling is spinning and everyones quiet, too quiet, she almost thinks none of them are there and shes gonna sit up to see shes alone in her room, until jon says: i dont know, i think thats up to you. she sits up, and everyones looking at her. not judging; mostly just curious, confused.

ryan tells them, yes, she likes her name. it can be a girls name, right? she already chose it once. so they still call her ryan but they start calling her her in private, because, she says, hell no, shes not coming out to everyone. not any time soon, at least.

things are way easier, way more comfortable, just like that, for a while. being out to even just a select few is a big weight off; its easy enough to tune out everyone else. but as time goes on it becomes more and more obvious, its definitely not sustainable for the long term.

so the band falls apart. so its just her and jon. they do a couple shows and the venues are way smaller, the attention is dying down, and thats when she tells him, okay, i want to come out.

its just one interview, she tries to keep it lowkey, telling everyone in her immediate circle first and telling them yes, yes, please, call me a woman in public. dont make me do all the work.

so thats how it happens. its not easy, by any means, but she starts estrogen and lets her hair grow out and curl, smiles hard when jon refers to her easily, correctly on stage, in front of everyone, and so maybe its all worth it; to be comfortable like this, in her own skin. and maybe it pays off in ways she didnt even think of, too -- someone in the audience, one night, passing up a trans flag for her to put on the mic stand.

.

[gender-critical-analytical]

3 questions !

1) what was your breaking point? What made you run to terf tumblr?

2) how long were you researching radfem ideas before you were like okay this is it Im here now

3) favorite stuffed animal you have? :3

ooh okay!

I didn't really have a full breaking point tbh. I had a lot of small/medium ones, including a male friend beginning to identify as a trans woman after I rejected him (at the time, I thought I was a lesbian) and a tif friend repeatedly disrespecting both my boundaries and the boundaries of a mutual gay friend. I had heard the term 'terf' before but had no real idea what it meant aside from 'transphobic', and though I couldn't tell you what post it was now, I accidentally stumbled upon a radfem post regarding something to do with abortion and found the notes full of hate from trans people and their allies because of op's beliefs. Wound up looking through radfem tags, found a mix of posts I agreed with wholeheartedly and "if you agree with terfs, kill yourself" posts. Kept reading from there, found multiple lists of other beliefs that I hadn't even considered (such as opposition to pornography and prostitution) and found that I also agreed on those points. Being surrounded by trans people in my friend group (by surrounded, I mostly mean outnumbered. I knew one trans girl (who has since desisted) and six trans boys, in a very small high school). I had more tif friends claiming they were gay men than I had regular female friends. The change in thought was swift, but I had no arguments that made sense, and the women on radblr were much more rational and logical than anyone trying to make a point against them. I made my blog, and kept my change of thinking quiet, but I fucked up anyway and was disowned from the group lol

2. I spent about two months on my blog before I stopped debating just deleting it and pretending I never made it in the first place. I have a tendency to get super absorbed in phases, and I was worried that maybe I was being blindsided somehow, and that I shouldn't stick with the ideology too soon, in case tras were right and I was being sucked into a 'transphobic cult'. I would log on for a fifteen minutes or so every day and would read, then I'd try and think of a way to counter-argue what I'd read. The problem with finding arguments with the ideology within myself was that radfems and gender-crits actually provided statistics and evidence to support their claims, I was very used to being told 'google is free', and looking back, google is incredibly biased towards trans people, considering that I had done a research paper on LGBT rights for my English class recently at the time, and had difficulty finding information on LGB suicide stats, but none whatsoever finding guilt trippy articles on trans suicide, and what I could personally do myself to keep trans kids from killing themselves. I wound up deciding that damn near everything I was agreeing with was common sense that I had just been told was wrong, and the guilt I was feeling wasn't because I was necessarily a bad person, but because I was putting my own concerns back into the front of my mind, and moving men's issues to the side. After the two month mark, I was here to stay.

3. Ooh that's a hard one! Probably my valentines bulldog squishmallow, but I love my old teddy bear too, and I recently made a stuffed dino at build-a-bear with my bestie, and I love that one too! :)

[asteroiideae]

okay, so I don’t make these kinds of posts often because tbh I’m a little lazy and very tired like 24/7 lmao but I’ve been seeing a lot of Pride reading lists hit my dash (and they’re excellent, and I save them all!) buuuut reading books is still a roadblock I’m struggling to mentally overcome -- and audiobooks are great, but they take 84 years (sometimes literally???) to get through. so! I thought I’d share a (very tiny) list of the queer manga I’ve read this year that you might enjoy for Pride, with some descriptions/trigger warnings/thoughts to go with them. so here we go in no particular order other than where they sit on my bookshelf:

What Did You Eat Yesterday? by Fumi Yoshinaga

okay so I know I go on about this manga at literally every presented opportunity, but I honestly just can’t help myself??? as a thirty-something queer adult, I really love the quiet maturity of this relationship between Shiro and Kenji; especially when it’s highlighted by references to shenanigans of their youth, and the ways in which they are still growing as both individuals and a couple. I’ve only read the first six volumes but I’m OBSESSED.

Status: Ongoing (17 volumes; 15 translated) Summary: Shiro and Kenji are an established adult couple with separate careers and interests, whose relationship is depicted over the meals cooked for them by Shiro. This doesn’t have an overarching plot, which might be off-putting for some readers; each chapter can be compared to a fanfic one-shot, usually containing it’s own tiny storyline or theme. It’s literally just domestic moments and meals shared between these men. Warnings: While I didn’t personally have a problem with this, younger readers might find some of the dated terms offensive. If you’ve spent any time with older queer folks (older as in 45-50+) this won’t be anything you aren’t used to, but if your experience of queer folx skews younger or online, you might get taken by surprise. There’s also some internalized homophobia; and by some I mean quite a bit. Shiro’s personal arc (at least in the first six volumes) heavily revolves around how much he closets himself and tries desperately to pass as “normal” in Japanese business culture.

Boys Run The Riot by Keito Gaku

holy shit holy shit holy SHIT. this story is so good??? so VERY good??? I was a little cautious, and a little bit uninterested in a story about teens (only because I’m in my thirties and crave more adult representation,) but I was VERY WRONG to be. Boys Run The Riot is beautifully drawn, beautifully written, and probably my favorite work on this list. the mangaka is also trans so the inherent understanding and nuance of our protagonist’s experience is really lovely. Also featuring a fantastic brotp between a trans boy and his new himbo bestie; no seriously if you want a story about a trans boy getting to have good broships with other boys his own age I CANNOT stress this enough. Volume two is releasing next month; I have it preordered. I’m laying on my floor wishing for time to hurry the fuck up. I need more of this smol angry trans boy and his big soft himbo bff. PLS. Status: Ongoing (4 volumes published; 2 translated) Summary: Ryo Watari is a second year high school student who is trans and struggling to feel comfortable with his very rigidly structured life at school, at home, and among his friends (to whom he is not out.) By chance he meets Jin Sato, a cis boy who also feels outcast (often judged for his appearance without any deeper thought.) When Ryo comes out to Jin in a state of frustration, Jin accepts who Ryo is and makes an offer -- why not start a fashion line that subverts all the expectations that have been put on them both; why not express themselves even when they’ve been told they shouldn’t. Warnings: Ryo is struggling with gender dysphoria, and it is written by someone who has probably experienced it, so it might be a little real for any trans folks who deal with that. Also, while neither the narrative nor Jin misgender Ryo (at least, not once he expresses to Jin that he is a man), Ryo is not out to anyone else and so he frequently is misgendered at school and we see how badly that impacts him and the way he views himself and processes his emotions. Ryo spends a lot of time being angry and trying to swallow it down, and that can be very raw to witness at times. There is also a depiction of unsafe binding (though the mangaka has an immediate note about binding safety, and goes further in-depth at the back of the manga.)

Our Dining Table by Mita Ori

okay, so I was a bit on the fence about whether or not I wanted to include this as a rec, but I decided that it might actually been what someone wants or needs, so here it is! while I really enjoyed this concept, and I’m always a sucker for found family stories (let me tell you I’m queer without telling you I’m queer, much?) it feels like this story is a bit rushed at times, and the romantic relationship between our protagonists is very blink and you’ll miss it. I don’t even want to call it subtle so much as it is just not remotely the focus of the story so it’s a little startling when it happens. but! if you’re looking for a story about adults processing grief and trauma together, and learning how to care for another person (and as a result, learning how to care for themselves,) this is a nice read that isn’t too heavy!  Status: Complete (one volume) Summary: Yutaka is a salaryman whose past experiences prevent him from reaching out to others, even through something so simple as sharing a meal. Despite this is REALLY loves to cook, and wishes he had a reason to do it more often. Then he meets Minoru, and his muuuuuch younger brother Tane (it’s like a 17 year age gap between the brothers?) and finds himself teaching them how to cook, and overcoming his fear of eating in front of others. Warnings: Good news, there’s no overt homophobia in this story! Bad news, the other trauma makes up for it! We have a lot of trauma surrounding parental death, childhood bullying, and adoption; in addition to an actual fear of eating in front of others.

Our Dreams at Dusk / Shimanami Tasogare by Yuhki Kamatani

this is the first manga series I collected, and I’m still very pleased about that. the art is ABSOLUTELY stunning? the use of visual imagery and surreal analogies to explain queerness is fucking on POINT. I cried so hard during a couple of these volumes I developed a migraine. I only have one piece of critique on the whole thing (addressed in the warnings,) and I intend to do another re-read when I’m ready for the catharsis of sobbing into my pillow again. Like Boys Run The Riot, Our Dreams at Dusk is drawn and written by a member of the queer community (a non-binary mangaka, this time,) and as a result it hits pretty fucking close to home in a lot of ways. while I really love this series it’s super not for the faint of heart, you WILL come out of this reading experience with some things to unpack. Status: Completed (4 volumes; 4 translated) Summary: We mostly follow Tasuku Kaname, as he is outted at school by a classmate as being homosexual, and his initial despair and subsequent journey of acceptance. In this process, Tasuku finds himself at a drop-in center, which seems to primarily function as a safe space for queer people; we meet several lesbians, an elderly gay man, a trans character, and a young character who isn’t ready for any kind of label because they are still ??? about themselves and their identity. Each of these “secondary” characters is given room to breathe and to work through difficulties of their own while Tasuku watches and learns that even though life is hard sometimes, there’s beauty to be found in one’s own strength. Warnings: hoooo boy; well there’s all kinds of homophobia and transphobia; a character is outted against their will (multiple times), there’s some really insidious transphobia covered by “concern”, there’s internalized homophobia everywhere, and a very complicated asexual character whose presentation left me (as an ace) with super mixed feelings and a lot of frustration (though I wouldn’t call it bad necessarily; just wanted to put that out there for my fellow asexual folks.) If you have read (or go on to read!) any of these, please let me know! I’d love to chat about the stories, and hear your thoughts on them -- because we’re a broad/diverse community and our own experiences shape us differently and give us different insights. <3 ANYWAY, for those of you who read this monstrous self-indulgent post, thank you! Feel free to add any queer manga you’ve been reading below - I’m always on the hunt for more recs!

[thesaltyace]

big rant/ramble below, you can safely ignore and move on to the next post in your feed.

Urgh

I shared the results of that autism screener with a quasi-friend who I thought would be "safe" (we used to work together and we connected over his being gay and me being visibly queer) but his response was blergh

Everyone has hints of autism.

okay yeah but this isn't just *hints* of autism. I'm answered yes to symptoms I've had since I was a kid that I've learned to mask or work around as an adult. But I still struggle with them.

He pointed out that he sees me as more ADHD than ASD.

Yeah, fair, and I'd need to see a professional to try to distinguish if my symptoms are ADHD, ASD, or both.

You don't hit the three prongs needed for a diagnosis.

But.... but I do. And the stuff I dealt with as a kid is still stuff I deal with today. I just mask it better. A short and not exhaustive list:

As I kid I had trouble interacting with peers. I didn't have friends, really. I didn't know how to make friends and I didn't try terribly hard to. I acquire friends when someone else "adopts" me and decides that we are friends. And once I became an adult, I have almost never had friends of my own - I share a friend group with my spouse who we're primary connected to through him. I'm okay with that. Maintaining a friendship entirely on my own power sounds impossible and exhausting.

I was okay with not having friends, I liked being alone, but my mom insisted on me being social. She made me join things so that I would have a list of people to invite to parties. I'd honestly have preferred a day of doing stuff I like or just a couple friends. As an adult, I want to be alone on my birthday. I will celebrate with certain friends, separately, usually over a quiet meal. That's it.

I had trouble understanding sarcasm and figurative speech. Like, I understand it now but I still think most figurative speech is annoying. I've been told the way I deliver sarcasm is weird, too.

I liked memorizing movies and quoting them start to finish, I thought it was fun but everyone else thought it was weird. I continued to do this into adulthood but I only quote aloud when I'm alone. Alamo Drafthouse quote-alongs are the BEST. I don't do this with every movie, either, just ones I really like.

Okay actually I also liked to listen to the same album or, in some cases, the same song over and over until I was sick of it (and sometimes even after that point). I mean, just endlessly looping on repeat. Not interspersed with other songs. I do this as an adult a LOT because it's easier with headphones to do this without annoying everyone else around you. Like, often it's fine for me to just put a playlist on shuffle, but I get into Moods where I just want the one album/song over and over. Yesterday I listened to Wellerman about 50 times in a row and only stopped because I had to get up and do something else and that song wasn't "good" for whatever I got up to do.

My special interest as a kid was cats. Literally everything cats, all the time - I sought out obscure facts and could tell you the difference between similar species, and wanted cats involved in literally everything I did. Adults laughed it off as childhood obsession. I was also pretty obsessed with the solar system. I thought asking my peers, as a trivia question, which of Jupiter's moons had its own asteroid (Io, in case you were wondering) was appropriate and interesting and was confused that they didn't know that. That was in fifth grade.

I watched the weather channel for fun. I would watch it for hours and absorb the weekly forecast info just... for fun? I never used it, could never tell you if you should dress a certain way or bring an umbrella or whatever. Everyone thought it was weird.

I was a know-it-all and literally could not stop myself from bluntly correcting people who were wrong. Didn't know or care that it was "rude". I'm still that way but I've learned how to sometimes swallow the urge long enough to find a more tactful way to point it out (but often fail).

I could read on my own before kindergarten, used vocabulary beyond what one would expect for my age, and had a special interest in spelling and grammar throughout my school years. I did not understand how other people weren't interested in learning about it and getting it right. I read at an undergrad level by 4th grade.

I hated loud noises and often covered my ears to block out irritating sounds. I could also hear high pitched noises that even other kids didn't seem to hear (or at least weren't bothered by them). Too much noise sent me into an internal meltdown, I'd just kinda shut down because I couldn't deal with it.

Textures and pressure on my skin bothered the absolute fuck out of me - sock seams, certain fabric materials, socks that weren't equally elastic, one shoe tighter than the other, tags.... all of that. (Also, fun anecdote I just unlocked - when I was 4 or 5 my grandmother started letting me use the soft silk sleep shirt she had as a young woman because I preferred it to anything else. Soft, smooth, no irritating qualities. Bliss. I wanted to wear it all the time.)

Don't get me started on food. Until I was in COLLEGE I mostly subsisted on pasta with either butter or alfredo sauce and chicken. I would eat other things, but pasta and/or chicken was (and still is) my biggest safe/comfort food. I'd eat other stuff mostly if I could control the balance of ingredients, get it made plain, or could confirm the texture wouldn't be offensive (so, like... plain burgers, plain cheese pizza, grilled cheese, mashed potatoes, etc.) I cannot stress this enough - from childhood through COLLEGE I did this. As a kid my mom had to make me a completely separate dish most nights to get me to eat something. My spouse was horrified at what little variety I ate. The only reason I eat so much variety now is that he knows what I do/don't like and tells me in advance if I'll find a texture or taste offensive. Of course, rather than wanting consistent texture like I did when I was younger, I now seek as much texture as possible (so long as they aren't Bad textures) so.... that's fun. But yeah most of my objections to Yucky foods is due to T E X T U R E. Even if I like the taste, the texture overrides it all.

I prefer animals to people. I will seek out animals and interact with them instead of people in the same room. And will pointedly focus on the animal to avoid interacting with people.

I'm perfectly happy with only myself for company. Being with just my spouse counts as me being "alone" though. Always has. I just realized last night that it's because I do minimal to no masking around him because he's a safe person to unmask with and always has been. Never batted an eye at the weird shit I do beyond asking questions about what I was doing or why. And then just "Okay."

Okay honestly just the fact that I want to vent into the void of tumblr instead of actually discussing this with a person - even my spouse! - pretty effectively shows how little it occurs to me to interact with other people directly. o_0

And there are so many more things that I won't list here because I could just go on and on. And like, sure, some of this may certainly overlap with ADHD but my point is that I have enough to point to ASD that it doesn't feel like having a "hint" of autism. And who knows - maybe it is mostly just ADHD and CPTSD stuff interacting in weird ways. Could be!

But just because I can make small talk and make eye contact and do the "normal" shit and I can interact "normally" doesn't mean I LIKE it. I had to LEARN to do those things to avoid having bad social interactions. When I'm by myself or with my spouse, I behave very differently than I do around anyone else. ANYONE. It's not just slightly changing my behavior depending on who I'm with - it's completely suppressing how I naturally would do things if left to my own devices.

Like, the things we recommended to our autistic students who wanted to know how to interact in ways that would help them blend in/be accepted by others ARE THE EXACT THINGS I ALREADY DO. Like, it did not occur to me at the time that neurotypicals literally do not have to think about doing those things. I thought, ah, these students just need to be told what the tricks are. Other people figure these tricks out on their own. It did not occur to me that other people, in fact, do not learn these tricks because they naturally do that behavior. They do not have to actively think about learning the trick, period. I literally thought other people also have to think as hard as I do about interactions. Evidently not.

So yeah, I'm feeling a little upset about the reaction I got from him because I'm like.... honestly, a diagnosis of ASD wouldn't change a lot about how I do things or think of things. But it would make me feel better about interacting with and participating in autism-related stuff if I am actually autistic. I realize I can use the resources and supports meant for ASD regardless, and for formal supports anything I can access due to my ADHD diagnosis likely covers anything I'd need for ASD. But having a diagnosis opens up more community. Right now I'm like yeah I'm ADHD but I totally relate to this ASD content. But I'm not going to interact much because I feel like I don't have the right to join in since idk if I do have ASD.

idk I have a lot of feelings. I had a bad email about the trans insurance coverage thing yesterday and I'm not in a great headspace, but finding out me and my spouse both scored very high on the autism screening stuff was honestly a high point because we ended up sharing a lot of how we view and interact with the world that was very eye-opening about why we interact the way we do, how we relate to others (and how other people think we're weird for how we relate to others), and just...everything. And having someone be skeptical after I've spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that I DON'T have ASD only to conclude that at the very least, I should probably be evaluated because I can't reasonably rule it out. Like, most people do not wonder if they have autism. The fact that I am spending this much time looking into it and trying to find examples to disprove it only to find I overwhelmingly can't in virtually every single diagnostic category.... just..... dismissing it outright is kinda hurtful.

Like, I recognize that ADHD symptoms overlap a fair bit, but seriously. My spouse (who definitively does not have ADHD) scored almost identically to me and we vibed on almost everything when we compared answers. We see most things similarly. We have similar areas of confusion about other people and for fundamentally similar reasons. I can't imagine all of the stuff that points to ASD for me is just ADHD in disguise, not when I vibe THAT HARD with someone else. Spouse does not vibe with me on ADHD content. At all. He can appreciate it since he does live with me, after all, and observes whatever's being discussed. But he doesn't vibe with it. He vibes with autism content, though. And I vibe with both.

idk this rant ended in rambling and I'm just going to go listen to Inside on repeat for a couple hours while I try to calm down a bit. o_0

[dorkylittleweirdo]

crazy shit that happened during high school

freshman year:

my favorite teacher (pe coach) ended up being a pedophile. it’s kinda scary to think about bc like,, that was my favorite teacher and i trusted him and if he tried anything with me i don’t think i would’ve stopped him and just yikes. but yeah, it was a whole thing. once the school found out they got the police involved and he fled the state. they got him in the end but i mean,, i spent a lot of time in the secretary’s office crying about it bc i really trusted that dude and i was distraught over it. that might’ve been where my trust issues started??? fun stuff

my school shut down. like i mean,, bc it was a charter school and we had to get the charter renewed. but the board at my school wasn’t using their money the way they were supposed to. it was a whole thing, like the principal left that school year bc he knew what was happening, couldn’t stop them from doing it, and didn’t want to be part of it. so they had a lot of meetings that us kids were allowed to go to so we could see what was happening and all that. i only went to one and it was A Time bc the lady who was recording everything passed tf out and of course nobody was a doctor and my pipsqueak thirteen year old ass went “i know what to do” bc i Did so i had to help her which was a trip in and of itself. but anyways, the school’s charter got denied, and everyone had to transfer, but the district promised that we could go to any school we wanted, not just the one we would have to go to by zip code

sophomore year:

i ended up going to a private christian school. big fucking mistake. absolute disaster. nothing really happened that was crazy by their standards, but it was for me

so they have a house system. think of harry potter, it’s EXACTLY like that. we have points, we have competitions, we have all that extra stuff. it was such a time, like i don’t,, i don’t even know how to explain how fucking weird that shit was

i came out in the middle of class. the principal’s daughter was our sub and she goes “okay so everyone is gonna tell us something that nobody knows about them” so when it was my turn i go “so it’s not a secret and y’all should know this but clearly y’all don’t: i’m not straight”. silence. dead silence. we could hear the class next to us it was so quiet. some girl whispers “i knew it”. another girl leans over and whispers to my friend “i’m so sorry”. principal’s daughter gives me the most threatening, condescending smile i’ve ever seen and goes “thanks for sharing”. i had to come out to my mom that same day bc i told me friends and they panicked on my behalf bc when people found out that they were gay, the principal told their parents. and i was Not about to be outed by the principal. my mom has since told me that the principal never contacted her about it so i came out for nothing but i mean i really like being out so we’re good

so instead of prom, cult school has this thing called “the ball”. sophomores, juniors, and seniors are allowed to go bc there’s less than fifty people per grade so if sophomores don’t come, there’s not enough people. so i went bc my friends were all going and i was like “yeah why not might as well”. three dance lessons. three fucking dance lessons for this stupid ball that i didn’t dance once at. i literally had three panic attacks in the span of an hour at the second one, and then i had swim practice right after. fucking exhausted. felt like i ran five marathons by the time i got home. the last lesson i didn’t do any dancing, just vibed with my friend in the corner. so at the actual ball, same friend and i vibed at the tables the whole time. we went to the bathroom for like an hour and took mirror selfies and tried to make our asses look bigger bc we’re Like That

SO AFTER THE BALL, there was apparently a massive party and there was alcohol and stuff. so my friends and i were blissfully unaware bc nobody liked us bc who tf likes the school sinners. so we walked to get ice cream after in our fucking ballgowns and suits looking like All That. so the principal thought that it was one of us who hosted the party and we were like “??? what party?”. literally almost got in trouble bc the principal thought we were LYING. i told my mom and she takes No Shit, so when the principal called her demanding to know if i went to/hosted the party, she marched her ass down to the school and was like “i know y’all have something against mexicans and people who are different from y’all, but that’s no reason to blame my daughter for something that your so called “perfect” students did”. my mom got Heated, roasted the fuck out of the principal, then LEFT. principal never fucked with my mom after that

so there was a fire like across the street from the school. the fd told us to evacuate, but noooooo the school was like “god will protect us” i’m like “okay but i’m gay and apparently your god hates that so i think we’re gonna Perish”. the fucking POWER went out and they STILL wouldn’t let us go. my mom called to sign me out so i could go wherever the fuck i wanted in the school until my friend’s dad came to pick us up bc she couldn’t get there bc of the fire. so i vibed next door to my friends’ class and i was like “heeeeey god’s trying to kill the gays” and we laughed about that until my gay ass got saved lmaoooo

okay so this is the funniest memory i have. in chemistry once, our teacher took us outside and started digging a lil hole next to the school. and keep in mind, my chem teacher used to be a hardcore atheist druggie, like fucking meth and coke and shit. took a theology course and converted. so he’s really sweet and nice but he’s also Slightly mad scientist vibes. so anyways, he puts something in this little hole, lights it on fire. i forgot why he did it, but i was standing back with him and one of the exchange students and the three of us watch in Horror as the rest of the class makes a circle around the fire and start doing some weird dance and saying something. it wasn’t like a chant, idk what to call it, but they were like counting like “and one, and two, and three, and four” and then the dance would get more intense and they’d get louder. so eventually they were screaming and going apeshit and i looked at my teacher and he’s just,, watching them do this. i’m like “and i’m satan, huh?”. like these kids really trying to summon the devil but i’m the bad one bc i like girls

junior year:

so technically this was during the summer but i’m putting it here. they have like a house party after the school year ends. i made cookies. apparently they “looked weird” so nobody ate them, two of my soon to be teachers kept insulting them. i called my mom to pick me up, took my cookies with me, got back in the car in tears. had to have a whole conversation with the principal and those two teachers so they could apologize bc i wanted to leave the school after that. dw tho, i took my cookies to the guards at my summer camp and they appreciated the hell out of them bc they were Very Good Cookies

so my ap bio teacher was an enabler. i was his favorite bc i wasn’t a religious nut and it was very obvious that i believed in science and not whatever the hell this cult was doing with their creationist bs. also he was a parasitologist and i’m super into parasitology so he had fun talking about it to someone who both understood and was extremely interested in the topic. i rolled up to class one day like “hey so i’m gonna buy hissing cockroaches from amazon, if my parents find out and don’t let me keep them do you want them??” and he’s like “yeah”. i brought them to class a few times and everyone Hated it but my teacher was like ayyyyy. and everyone thought he was either and atheist or agnostic, so when some girl asked how he thought mary conceived jesus to see what he said, he looked at me like “y’all hear somethin/hel p” and i go “parthenogenesis” and he Went With It, talking about how it was theoretically possible in humans but we ignored the fact that the baby would’ve been a girl bc the class is dumb none of them have ever heard of parthenogenesis before jesus is the true trans icon we all need

my art teacher was my favorite and she knows that i’m gay. she’s the only teacher from my school that i’m still in contact with. so every big project we did, i made it gay. and i knew, and my friends knew, and she knew, but the rest of the class had no idea. i’m like presenting my project and the class would get sus and they’re like “so are those two really good friends” and i’m like “so she has a rainbow heart on her choker and she has a lesbian symbol on her shirt”. the class was still confused and my friend yells “they’re LESBIANS”. it was iconic

my brit lit teacher was bi. she never said it, but i know she was. always talked about how much she hated men, then was like “women are very very good”. no way this woman was straight. so we read dracula and it’s got that Subtext, so one time i leaned over to my friend bc he sat next to me and i go “the Homoerotic Subtext”. and i didn’t realize that the teacher was right in front of me until she tapped my desk and goes “it gets better”, told me a page number that i flipped to, and it was Even More Gay and i was like 😏. also she assigned me a gay poet for my poetry project and i talked about that for my whole presentation in front of the class and it was the biggest paragraph in my essay and i got 100% on it even tho i choked at the beginning. also i mentioned in passing that i liked sappho and she goes “ooh i love sappho” i’m like “ma’am please leave this cult and get you a gf”

senior year:

i left the cult finally. went to the one school i actually liked. i made friends who actually like me and they were patient and they were amazing and i love them all very much even if i’ll never tell them. my classmates were great, v friendly, i had a great time. however,

so many fires. school got cancelled like five times bc of how bad the fires were

the school shooting. i don’t think i need to go further into that, it’s pretty self explanatory

covid. again, don’t need to go further into that, v self explanatory

[ghost-in-the-hella]

(2/2) which might have played a huge role in Max’s anxiousness (maybe it was even a reason she stopped talking to Chloe for those 5 years?) Maybe I’m reading too much into it I don’t know…But what I’m saying is I would love some headcanons on Max’s relationship with her parents, maybe some discussion on the shitty vibe they give off just from the limited glimpses we have of them in-game! Thank you for all your amazing content!!

Okay, yes, headcanons on Max’s parents. A lot of folks write fics where the Caulfields are super nice and great parents, which is sweet and I’m not at all against it (queer characters with supportive and loving parents? yes, please!), but based on my own scrutiny of what little we see of these characters, I just can’t headcanon them as nice people myself.

So, I’ve spent an excessive and possibly embarrassing amount of time researching the world of LiS for my fics: taking notes during playthroughs, reading through scripts, combing through Max’s journal/diary entries, poring over all the SMS messages, watching other folks’ playthroughs, etc. And from all of this research (let’s call it that because it makes it sound academic instead of obsessive), I’ve gathered that Ryan and Vanessa are... kinda dicks.

Detailed analysis and headcanons under the cut, because this is gonna be a long one.

TLDR: My sense is that Max’s parents love Max very much and are very supportive of her… as long as she’s quiet and obedient and behaves in the ways they expect her to behave. Which does not include her being queer and especially doesn’t include her being queer for Chloe.

---

Some folks disavow BtS (I am very much not of this camp), so for the moment lets put aside the brief glimpse we get of them in the Farewell episode. Based on the SMS messages they exchange with Max in LiS1, they give every appearance of being controlling AF. Vanessa isn’t too, too bad: mostly she’s just sort of clingy and keeps trying to convince Max to come back to Seattle. Ryan, though… Ryan’s kind of the worst. I won’t dig into every little detail, but to me the worst is that when he gets a message from a blocked number warning him that his “nosy daughter better stop watching others and look out for herself,” his concern isn’t about his daughter being threatened but just that he doesn’t like having strangers have his phone number. Like… what?

And if you, like me, take BtS as canon, then… What can I even say? Pulling Max away from William’s funeral, not even apparently saying goodbye to Joyce and Chloe or giving Max a real opportunity to do so, just… WTF. WTF. WTF.

Okay. So moving on from that into my actual headcanons… My major headcanon is that her parents are a big part of why Max fell out of touch with Chloe after she moved.

Based again on their SMS exchanges, it sounds like the Caulfields are maybe not rich, but are better off than the Prices. And based on the way Max describes hanging out with Chloe in Farewell, it sounds like the two of them spend most of their playtime at the Prices’, not the Caulfields’. Based on all of this, I get the feeling that the Caulfields aren’t too keen on the Prices and probably Chloe in particular. She’s potentially in a lower class than they are (which obviously shouldn’t matter, but if they’re snobs...), and she’s certainly more rambunctious and free-spirited than Max. She brings out Max’s more reckless side. I picture the Caulfield household as being one where running around and making a lot of mess and noise is strongly discouraged. They love that their daughter is generally quiet and obedient and aren’t too keen on the aspects of Max that Chloe brings out. It’s probably a relief for them to get Max away from her when they move, and they probably don’t encourage Max to swallow her anxieties and self doubts around this and communicate with her friend in her time of need.

The other part of it, which is based more on personal theories about what could have caused Max to lose touch with Chloe and less on interpreting actual canonical details from the games, is that Max’s parents aren’t too cool with the whole LGBT thing. I picture them being surface-level liberal: of course they’re totally fine with gay people! ...as long as their daughter isn’t dating one.

My suspicion is that Max internalized a lot of biphobia (I do headcanon Max being bi) from overhearing her parents being concerned about her more-intense-than-they’re-comfortable-with friendship with Chloe. By the time she knew they were going to move, she was probably aware enough of her developing crush on her best friend and her parents’ discomfort with it to internalize that discomfort and make it her own. As much as she cared for Chloe and didn’t want to leave her… it was probably a bit of a relief. Because she’s scared of what her feelings for Chloe mean about her, and getting away from Chloe means that she can be “straight” and “normal” like her parents want and keep making her parents happy. (If you haven’t gotten to it yet, I dug into this headcanon a fair bit in my fic Set to Break)

So why does Max seem totally fine with her crush on Chloe rekindling when she’s 18 and back in Arcadia Bay if she was angsting out over it to the point of letting their friendship completely fall apart? Well, for a start, it’s been five years. That’s long enough to start processing your queer feelings and make peace with them but also enough time that their friendship could have fallen apart before Max came around to being okay with herself. By the time she was okay with being bi, too much time had already passed for texting Chloe out of the blue to seem a reasonable thing for her anxiety brain to let her do. Also, she’s been living in Seattle. I did a little research on Seattle when I started writing LiS fic, and Seattle has one of the largest LGBT populations in the US. So even if her parents aren’t super great about the queer thing, Max has been exposed to plenty of LGBT folks over the years and that has countered the biphobia that her parents instilled in her.

Not that anybody was asking, but I also headcanon Fernando and Kristen as being members of her high school’s GSA and being a big part of what made Max more okay with her being bi. I headcanon that Max was able to attend GSA meetings under the guise of “supporting her friends.” Also, I haven’t gotten around to writing my Seattle-based fics yet, but I’m going to go on record here that I headcanon Fernando being a trans guy. Because there are zero reasons for him not to be.

Thank you for the question! So now when I’m relentlessly tearing into the Caulfields, people will know why. Cheers.

[dracwife]

dex’s comprehensive s/i list

this took way too long. will be updated as i develop them further! note that these only include a few of my main, more developed s/is, but i do have s/is for all my f/o’s universes!

[ evil dead ]

name: river kennedy

[ movie canon ]

age: 22

occupation: pizza delivery boy

physical: river kennedy was always on the taller side, his physicality being his foremost quality. he was the star quarterback in high school, and his muscular prowess didnt leave him after he graduated. finding no need for college, his routine consisted of working out during the day and going to work at night. his lean stature doesn't precede him - he can hold his own in the midst of chaos...and deadites.

6'0"

green eyes

dirty blonde hair

a southern drawl accents this cowboy's witty and devil-may-care temperament

while he's the more sensible of the two, it's only by a tad...ash and river are the quintessential "team one brain cell"

about: ash and river met on a wild night out during their high school years. needless to say, it wasn’t long before they ended up together, inseparable and making as many bad decisions as possible. 

sarcastic

upbeat

enthusiastic

here for a good time, not a long time

ship name: sympathy for the devil

[ show canon ]

age: 36

occupation: sheriff

physical: living in a small town has its perks - mainly that there’s not much to do during the day. the most action river sees on a daily basis is maybe a kid or two caught vandalizing the old bleachers behind the high school...and even then, it’s a stretch to say it’s much more than chasing down a teen with spraypaint. while he’s still physically fit, he’s not quite at his peak like he once was, but that doesn’t mean he can’t still hold his own against whatever the necronomicon may throw at him.

6'0"

green eyes

dirty blonde hair

a southern drawl accents this cowboy's witty and devil-may-care temperament

while he's the more sensible of the two, it's only by a tad...ash and river are the quintessential "team one brain cell"

about: while they never quite settled down, river took some time on his own to live with his family. he and ash lost contact for nearly twenty years, until the deadites returned out of nowhere. upon hearing the news, river tracked ash down, and again their shenanigans resumed, for the better or worse, no one really knows. 

sarcastic

upbeat

enthusiastic

here for a good time, not a long time

ship name: born to be wild

[ saw ]

name: everett bailey ; salem

age: 23

occupation: freelance coder / web designer

physical: salem is not physically intimidating, but that doesn’t stop him from picking fights with those bigger than him

5′6″

bleached hair, often dyed

blue eyes

lots of leather

about: salem is, to say the least, a scammer who profits off of the ignorance of those less technologically capable than himself. for this reason (and for getting in the way of adam’s game) he too was punished, thrown into a trap that left him scarred both physically and mentally.

cocky

angry. just angry

daddy issues

drugs! probably

literally just a little shit.

ship name: waiting game / the jig is up / coma white / absolute penance (au)

[ twilight ]

name: holden cullen

age: 24 (at time of death)

occupation: clinical attendant / physician

physical: holden is physically smaller than most of his peers, but don’t let that fool you - he can definitely hunt just as well as the rest of them.

5′7″ (short king mama hey)

dark brown hair / soft black

green eyes (golden after death)

freckles

about: holden met carlisle at work, where he worked as a clinical attendant. within a few months carlisle had introduced holden to the rest of the cullens, and not long after holden deduced their family secret, though carlisle refused to turn holden on the basis that holden could live happily as a human. after a particularly nasty car crash, however, carlisle was forced to turn holden lest he let him die, and thus holden was finally a true member of the family. in his spare time during his “recovery,” he was able to complete his doctorate, and now works alongside carlisle at the clinic.

upbeat

fun-loving

dedicated

kind-hearted

absolute dad

holden’s gift is similar to that of jasper’s - with a strange type of pathokinesis, he is able to dull the pain (physical and emotional) of others, instead taking it himself. 

he uses it to help carlisle destress most of the time - when he was human, carlisle would always say just how comforting it was to be with holden, that he had a sort of warmth to him, and that warmth followed him even after his death. carlisle describes the calming nature of it as though holden has “sunlight in his hands,” as a mere touch from him can bring complete serenity. 

ship name: sunlight in his hands 

[ house, m.d. ]

name: rowan kirk

age: 30

occupation: pediatrician

physical: rowan is likely the least intimidating person you’d ever meet - he’s very quiet, and very bubbly. his stature is rather lax, and his soft temperament is complimented by his just as inviting looks, making him the perfect doctor for even the rowdiest of children.

5′8″

strawberry blonde hair

green eyes

freckles

always smiling

never seen without a stuffed animal and at least 10 lollipops in his lab coat

about: rowan is a kind-hearted doctor, driven by an inexplicable need to help others. it was for this reason that he quickly caught the eye of james, and together they make quite the hopeless pair of romantics.

has good intentions

soft-spoken

hates star trek jokes

absolute hopeless romantic

Repressed Trauma tm

always cold gay

ship name: sunshine & star trek jokes

[ quantum leap ]

name: dexter marsh

age: 26

occupation: chemist/biologist

physical: while short, dex’s wit makes up for more than enough of what he lacks in height. he’s far more on the nerdy side, bookish in all senses of the word.

curly hair

freckles

brown eyes

short

wardrobe consists of sweaters exclusively

about: dex works as a chemist on the starbright project alongside sam and, after one too many late nights spent on research they realized the feelings they harbored for each other were those of more than just friends.

quiet, but brilliant

strange fascination for chemistry and biology

hired on originally as a data analyist for the starbright project

married to sam after his leap home

has two dogs, a german shepherd and a husky named melody and marley respectively

ship name: terminally good

[ gotham ]

name: dexter “cheshire” chester

age: 23

occupation: gang leader

physical: his grin as wicked as the cheshire cat himself, dexter dons stripes and a leather jacket to complete his look

catlike reflexes

nearly always high

blue eyes

bleached hair, a few purple streaks to accent it

never seen without his trusted smashin bat

about: having found his family through his gang, he runs the strays of gotham alongside his adopted sister queen, and finds his niche in illegal dealings

cares far too much for his “family”

gained the nickname cheshire from a combination of his gang’s name and the fact he always seems to disappear from the scene of the crime

peddles an experimental drug called “jabberwock” which is similar to speed as well as weapons and other illegal substances

ship name: down the rabbit hole

[ phantom of the opera ]

name: adonis

age: 20

occupation: performer ; actor / singer

physical: adonis knew from a young age that he hated his body. it simply felt wrong, and though he had a talent for the musical arts, he passed at the opportunity to perform in lieu of working as a stagehand, passing as male and taking the name adonis.

trans (ftm)

binds with a corset even though it isn’t healthy

dirty blonde hair

blue eyes

doesn’t own a single shirt that fits him properly

about: he caught the eye of erik when, on a whim, he sang aloud to himself on stage as he was readying the props for a show. erik was smitten from that day, intrigued by the young man and his strangely beautiful voice. since then, erik has helped adonis train his voice, and he now performs on stage and is very popular among the patrons of the theater. 

ship name: gods & monsters

[ ahs ]

name: clarence miller

age: 20

occupation: performer

physical: born an albino, clarence miller was inducted into elsa mars’ freakshow at a young age, and now looks up to her like a mother. 

pale, pale, pale

short

nearly blind due to albinism

does not own any clothes that fit, actually

about: clarence is quiet and keeps to himself most of the time. while he doesn’t have any standout talents, he acts as a tickettaker for the freakshow

has a little pet lizard

falls asleep in the booth a lot

cannot go out in the sun for long

dandy can and WILL kill for him

ship name: dance macabre

[ ghostbusters ]

name: oasis*

age: unknown* (deceased)

occupation: physicist / parapsychologist

physical: while he does seem human in all aspects, oasis is far from it.

extremely pale

white hair

green eyes

lanky

can and will appear behind u...nothin personnel, kid.....

just can’t stop floatin’ sometimes

about: *while oasis is not his real name, it was the name of the theory accredited to him, in which he believed there to be two planes of existence, one of the living and one of the dead that are consistently manipulated by each other, the phenomenon that results are noticeable but often disappear when investigated further, “Like a mirage, and oasis in the desert.”

ship name: oasis theorem

[smores100]

once again we’re in full agreement lol. What’s your take on s3 remakes you’ve watched? Wondering how you feel about Skam FR as it’s kind of a similar situation to me where the chemistry & beauty is there but the writing and style is iffy (overwrought &overdramatic). My favorite s3 is druck. As a wlw I had high hopes for españa but it was p slow/v desexualized—a whole discussion, but my other gay friend & I were disappointed given how remakes with guys don’t hold back in that respect.. Thoughts?

Honestly re: wtfock tho I really do wonder if they had like one good writer in the room surrounded by fools. Bc it really does feel like some group projects I’ve been in where I feel like I’m the only one who’s not a fucking fool and carry the whole thing while having to fend off bad ideas (but when the majority rules, those bad ideas/execution get put in). I wonder if that’s what happened w wtfock.

re: wtfock, lol group projects are the worst….idk what wtfock’s writing process was like, but i’d love to know it. according to their wiki there were 3 writers this season? all seem to be male, naturally. did the two other writers have good ideas but there was a main writer who overruled them and did his own thing? or maybe they’re the rl one brain cell squad, that would explain a lot :p in any case, i’m unimpressed (friday’s clips did not help with that).

as for the other part of your ask….oh damn i have so many Thoughts on that, lol. this is probably gonna get long and messy, but you asked for it!

* druck - my absolute favorite. it’s the only one i’ve watched since s1, so that definitely played a part in my emotional investment and attachment. still, there was more to it than that. it was the closest to og imo in vibe and style (it felt small, real, lowkey, quiet, natural like og, as opposed to - as you said - overwrought and overdramatic + overproduced like the others); they cast an actual trans guy to play a trans character, if you wanna talk about a skam remake doing something REVOLUTIONARY? druck is the one; i loved matteo’s and david’s characterizations, how they both had a bit of isak and even in them, and the role reversal in some scenes, made things feel fresh *and* fit their characters/story; i LOVE that teens matteo and david were played by actual teens michi and lukas!! they’ve completely ruined me for all other remakes, bc thissssss is how it’s supposed to be! thisssss is how it should look like! THEY ARE KIDDOS. and they (druck and michi/lukas) truly captured what it’s like to be young and fall in love for the first time, the awkwardness and the nervousness and stuttering and fumbling around, the softness and pureness and innocence of it all!!! also they have THE BEST dynamic - other people might prefer all the hot kissing and steamy making out and the smouldering looks, but me? i just couldn’t get enough of their dumb chaotic energy, best friends who love each other deeply and are also constantly little shits to one another. gimme them pranking each other and playfighting every day! and then being soft and THE HANDS and matteo being a clingy koala basking in david’s affection :3 i also loved how for the most part they didn’t just copy/paste og’s storyline, they made some changes and knew how to make *other* changes accordingly for it to make sense and fit the story *they* were telling - for example, replacing the ‘call your gf’ scene with matteo’s panic attack/breakdown (one of my fave scenes), or their reunion at the end of ep 7 (replacing the desperate kissing + sex with a comforting and relieved yet also bittersweet and melancholic hug), or even matteo getting advice from his drug dealer instead of the school’s doctor, lol. also THE BEST BOY SQUAD, hands down. and matteo is my favorite isak bc to me he felt like his own character instead of just another isak, he was different and reletable and a constant Mood. that being said - it wasn’t perfect and it had its issues. there were a few times when i did feel they stuck too close to og scenes and it didn’t *entirely* work for me, just felt a bit off; i will forever be disappointed that they didn’t directly address and acknowledge matteo’s mental state/depression, bc there were enough signs imo to indicate that he did suffer from something. they mentioned ‘therapy’ in mia’s, alex’s and kiki’s cases, i truly thought they would with matteo as well, but alas, they dropped the ball on that one; i was extremely upset with david’s outing, but i’ve since calmed down and have managed to see it in a more positive light, tho i still have mixed feelings about it and am not fully on board with that decision, still wish it had been done differently (but at least! it wasn’t brushed off and was addressed immediately and eventually led to david having agency and yelling out his pain!!! which was good and important and cathartic); also eps 8 and 9 were pretty messy writing-wise, things either didn’t make sense or would’ve made more sense had the clips were organized differently (that random ping pong clip….?). overall tho, the good outweighed the bad, and it remains my fave

* skam france - now that’s a tricky one. the way i felt about it in the first half of the season, is different from the way i felt about it in the second half of the season, is different from the way i feel about ever since watching druck’s s3. it’s funny you should say how similar it is to wtfock for you, bc i’ve been thinking the same thing for quite some time. those neighboring countries sure have a shared flair for the dramatic! fr’s s3 was pretty much the first s3 i watched (i gif-watched half of skamit, couldn’t get into it). i wasn’t planning to (i was extremely unimpressed by the couple of s1 eps i tried watching, and same by axel’s acting in those first two seasons), but even is the loml and they got me gooood with their eliott pov trailer, which might have affected my excitement over it during the first half. back then i really enjoyed it for the most part, despite some clips being rushed or missing the point thus not fully having the required effect (their locker room scene, for example, or the ‘generalizations are bad’ convo), or how much i hated basile (a character so obviously written by a man it’s amazing), or the cheesy piano music. there were enough good things for me to focus on instead (more in a bit) that i could ignore the things i didn’t like or weren’t as good imo. however, all the positivity got sucked out of me when yann noped tf out after lucas came out to him bc WAY TO MISS THE POINT OF SKAM!!! and things went downhill after the director’s IT’S NOT DISNEYLAND IT’S FRANCE 2019 comment. i’m getting all upset just thinking about it, but to say *that*, to explain that horrendous decision bc lowkey homophobic reactions are realistic!!! only to THEN be all ‘haha jk yann isn’t homophobic! we just wanted you to *think* he was! he’s actually an awesome friend who took several days to reflect on all his past wrongdoings while his bff was at home having a nervous breakdown bc he believed his bff hated him!’ ughhhhhhhhh, miss me with that shit. great that they had yann apologizing for his past comments, but the way in which it was done was for pure shock value and angst, completely ooc for his character (all season he was all ‘tell me tell me tell me let me help let me help let me help’ only to do *that*?? nahh), and interesting how out of everyone the only black character was the only one with a negative reaction (remind you of anyone), highlighted even more during ep 7 aka the ott lucas coming out tour. then ep 8, that should have been 100% all lucas and eliott and building up to eliott’s manic episode suddenly had that weird random pov changing clip in the middle of it which truly wtf, basile was still basile, lucas thanked chloe for outing him, more scenes felt rushed, they had sex in school where people could come and go in front of huge windows in broad daylight and luckily didn’t get poisoned from licking all that paint! and i did not like the flatshare, i absolutely hated mika and lisa kicking lucas out of his room - which he pays rent for! - and manon not even trying to put up a fight, and them being like ‘roommate isn’t just a place, it’s a way of living. that’s a family, and you’re more like a cousin.’ ‘a second cousin.’ ughhhhhh and then when eliott was recovering from his depressive episode, they *still* didn’t give lucas his room back or at least let eliott stay there, he was sleeping on the couch, i’m aldjlajdafj. can’t believe i’m gonna say it, but TAKE NOTES FROM WTFOCK. tl;dr there were some good moments in the second half, but i was feeling bitter more often than not about certain things, so my enjoyment wasn’t as high as when it first started. and after watching druck, druck’s brand is definitely much more my style. plus, i was already struggling with making myself believe axel and maxence were in their teens, but after druck it’s completely impossible, so i just pretend they’re in college or something lol. all my issues with it aside, i’d still rate it higher than wtfock, bc overall the writing was better, more coherent, and made much more sense. i also liked lucas’ friendship with the girls; i loved that instead of copying the underwater kiss + 21:21 like some others have, they came up with their own thing i.e. polaris, which i thought was lovely; the lucas/manon crying in the middle of the night together in front of the tv was one of my fave scenes of the season; also love how we were introduced to eliott on the first week! and they spent time together! and specifically the piano playing scene, ohhhh; and in general elu are sweet and i reeeeally like axel and maxence and their friendship. so yeah, it had some major issues, but i’d rather have a coherent story with something done for shock value and drama ONCE than an incoherent story with several shock value moments.

* skam espana - sorry to hear you girls were disappointed! i only watched half of it, so i can only comment on what i saw. i decided to binge watch s1 and give s2 a shot when i heard they were giving cris isak’s story - it felt a bit weird to me, but it was also something different and new, and i did have an appreciation for their decision to have a wlw season (also much more revolutionary to me than showing a gay bashing), so i was intrigued and willing to try it. sadly i didn’t really vibe with s1? it’s totally a personal preference i think, maybe even a cultural thing idk, but it felt very fast and loud and hectic to me, idrk how to explain it. i was just more into the chill more lowkey vibe of druck and skamnl. but i still gave s2 a shot, and idk, it still wasn’t my cup of tea. i thought it was ok for the most part, but there were some things that bothered me - joana/cris felt underdeveloped to me? and things b/w them felt like they were moving so fast from the second they met, like jona was so intense and forward ALL THE TIME, they had like 6 almost kisses in a really short time, like shhh slow down. i remember disliking their ‘call your gf’ scene, it felt really petty and kinda mean to me? bc i felt like joana came on to cris *really* strongly and *very* frequently, so cris was more than entitled to feel hurt and betrayed when she found out joana had a bf, but then cris was kissing a dude and joana positioned herself and her bf in front of cris so she’d see them kissing too, and i just didn’t like bc seriously?? cris is valid, just apologize to her and explain?? idr much else tbh, they had some really cute and sweet scenes afterwards, i’m still against doing the underwater kiss + 21:21 so i was kinda meh about that (tho aesthetically speaking it was BEAUTIFUL, and i’m like, fiiiiine girls deserve an underwater kiss too, i’ll allow it just this once!), and that cuddling clip in ep 6 i think was sweet and the last one i watched. like i said, i was less vibing with this remake, and iirc it was going on during druck’s s3 and skamnl’s s2 - which were my faves, plus skamfr was on too i think and i was lowkey following it too, so….there was just too much all at once and something had to go, and it was skamesp. it was also around the time when panaphobia-gate happened, so *shrugs* i’m not wlw myself so your opinion on it being desexualized is probably more valid than mine? i just know when i did watch, there was a lot of kissing and making out and being cute and touchy with each other, so i thought it was ok? as i’ve mentioned before, i don’t need to see a naked butt or anything like that to *get* it lol, i thought they were lovely! but that’s just me. i will say that my faaaave part was most definitely the cris/amira friendship. they were so wonderful! one of the best skam friendships imo. i might one day go back and finish the season just for the heck of it, but they didn’t do anything major or highly offensive that made me have negative feelings towards it, it was just a personal preference + circumstances (too many remakes!) that made me be less into it and drop it before the end.

[imaginetonyandbucky]

Tony Stark’s Guide to Being a Functional Adult

Step 2: Learn Basic Adulting (AO3)

Dinner that evening was a slightly awkward affair; Bucky was clearly self-conscious about having a virtual stranger in his home and Tony was too tired to turn on the charm like he normally would.  They had ordered cheap Chinese takeout that Bucky must be enjoying, judging from the way he was steadily emptying his carton of General Tso’s, but Tony mostly picked at his and wondered if it was possible to develop atherosclerosis from a single meal.

“So are you going to get the rest of your stuff tomorrow?” Bucky asked as he got up to pour himself another glass of water.

Tony toyed with his chopsticks and stared down at the glutinous mass on his plate. “That is all my stuff. My dad kicked me out of the house and that was everything I had on me when I left.”

“Oh, shit, I’m sorry.” Bucky’s face creased with sympathy. “You know, if you need to pick up some stuff I can take you to the store.”

Tony sighed and rubbed his eyes.  “I can go myself, if you just tell me where it is.”

“It’s not a big deal, I need to pick up some stuff too. We can go tomorrow.”  Bucky pushed back from the table and started cleaning up, tossing his empty food carton in the trash and putting his silverware and glass in the sink.  “I figure we’ll trade off doing dishes?” Bucky said over his shoulder as he grabbed a towel from his room and headed to the bathroom.

“Sounds fair,” Tony called back.  He put his almost untouched Chinese food away and eyed the pile of dishes in the sink like it was a nest of snakes.  But there was a sponge behind the faucet and one of the bottles below the sink identified itself as dishwashing liquid, so he was almost done when Bucky got out of the shower.

“Oh, you washed them all by hand,” Bucky said in surprise, toweling his hair dry, his t-shirt and sweatpants clinging to his damp skin in a way that almost had Tony dropping the slippery glass in his hand. “You could have put them in the dishwasher.”

“Oh,” Tony said, looking back down at the soapy sink, face getting hot.  “I, um, didn’t see it there.  I’m almost done anyway.”

As Bucky shrugged and turned away, Tony glared at the dishwasher and quickly finished scrubbing the plates.

(More after the break!)

After an abysmal night’s sleep getting used to the night sounds in an alien part of the city, Tony made himself a bowl of cereal and then spent a solid fifteen minutes staring at the blinking cursor on his screen, struggling with indecision.  He’d googled the proper format for a resume but got stumped at the very first step – having his name on the top of the document.  The word “Stark” marched black and ominous across the top and revealed the gaping hole in Tony’s plan: who in their right mind was going to hire him? Who would believe that a Stark was genuinely interested in working a wage job, and then could be trusted to keep quiet about it when any tabloid would pay good money for the hot tip that Tony Stark was punching a time clock? He couldn’t lie, like he had to Bucky, because he didn’t have a fake ID nor the vaguest idea of how to get one.  “Shit,” he said, raking his hands through his hair as he thought furiously.  He didn’t even know how to go about finding a job under the table; do you just go around to businesses and ask?

Eventually he closed the resume document – “No, don’t bother saving it,” he muttered resentfully, closing the dialogue box on his screen – and sent an email to his old professors, asking if they knew of any paid positions that were accepting students, carefully phrasing it so it looked like he just needed work experience instead of money. One guy got back to him immediately, but his response was not encouraging.  “Paid positions are usually limited to students with financial need,” Tony read. “Well, shit.”  He thought about writing back and explaining that he was one of those students, but again, the prospect of reading about his family drama on the New York Daily News stopped him.  With another curse of frustration he closed his laptop and set it on the floor, then rolled over to bury his face in his pillow.  How do people do this?

There was a knock on the door and then Bucky said “Tony? Are you ready to go to the store?”

Tony sighed and sat up.  “Sure, hold on a second.”

The drive was short but Tony spent most of it frowning to himself as he watched Bucky navigate the car’s controls one-handed. Doing almost anything, like hitting the turn signal or putting down a window, involved holding the steering wheel still with a knee and awkwardly reaching over; Tony imagined he didn’t listen to the radio very often because changing the channel would be a hell of a hassle.  But it wouldn’t be that difficult to move the important things to the right side of the steering column where Bucky could reach them, Tony mused.  If he could wire the controls for the radio and windows straight into the steering wheel that would be best, but you would need to-

“Alright, we’re here,” Bucky announced, putting the car in park and interrupting Tony’s thoughts.

“Dollar Tree?” Tony read the store’s sign as he climbed out of the car. “What is this place?”

“It’s like a Dollar General but cheaper.” At Tony’s still baffled look, he said, “You’ve never heard of Dollar General? What about Walmart?”

“Oh, yeah, Walmart,” Tony echoed, making a conscious effort to smooth the look of confusion from his face.  He obediently followed Bucky around the store with a shopping cart, wincing at the squeaky wheel that announced his progress through the store and using his best poker face to keep from wrinkling his nose at the musty smell and the crowded, overflowing shelves. When they came up to the register Tony handed over his credit card and prayed that his father hadn’t gotten around to cancelling it yet, because the cash he had in his pocket wouldn’t cover it and they still had to go get groceries.

“You seem like you’ve had some experience with this,” Tony commented as they loaded all of his newly acquired stuff in the trunk.  Bucky had been the one to take the lead, letting Tony push the cart around while he threw stuff into the basket, stuff Tony hadn’t even thought of needing like socks and underwear and spare toothbrushes.  His matter-of-fact attitude about the entire trip had gone a long way to making Tony feel better about not knowing what the hell he was doing.

Bucky snorted. “People like to think it’s all kumbaya out there for gay kids since gay marriage was legalized, but I know plenty of people that got kicked out of their homes for being gay or trans. So yeah, I’ve done this a time or two.”

Tony couldn’t help but wonder if maybe that was part of his dad’s problem with him going back to school, like maybe Howard thought that if Tony came home to work at SI he would settle down into respectable heterosexuality with some high society debutante.  “Did it happen to you?” He blurted as they got into the car.

“No, my parents were really cool about it when I came out,” Bucky answered, apparently not bothered by the fact that Tony had pretty much just asked him if he were gay.  “Where to now? Grocery store?”

“Yes please.”  As Bucky cranked the car, Tony took a deep breath and said, “By the way, I’m bi.”

Bucky flashed him a grin as he turned around in his seat to back up the car.  “Nice to meet you, Bi. I’m Bucky.”

“Oh, God,” Tony groaned with a short laugh. “Is that what your parents said to you when you came out?”

“Kind of.  When I told my mom I was gay she said, ‘Nice to meet you, Mr. Gay, you look an awful lot like my son Bucky.’”

“Yeah, my parents did not have that reaction,” Tony said with a grimace. His mom had looked confused and cried a little and his dad had locked himself in the office for the rest of the evening, and then they had never really talked about it again.  The one time Tony had brought a guy over for dinner his father left on a ‘sudden’ business trip that ended up lasting the whole weekend; Tony had gotten the message after that.

“I’m sorry,” Bucky said.

Tony shrugged and looked out the window to avoid the sympathy in Bucky’s eyes.  “Not the first time I’ve disappointed my family,” Tony said lightly, flashing a smile he didn’t feel, “and definitely not the last, I’m sure.”

That night Bucky showed Tony how to cook frozen pizza because it had been on sale at the grocery store.  Tony was chewing dismally through what tasted like damp cardboard when Bucky came up the stairs from the shop.  “Tony?  You’ve got a visitor,” he said as he opened the door, and Tony put down the pizza and wiped his fingers on his pants nervously as he stood.

“Oh, Jarvis!” He said in relief.  “I didn’t know you were coming. Let me help you.”  Jarvis’s hands were full so he took the boxes and bags from him, hurriedly cleaning his cheap thin-crust pizza from the table for him to sit.  Jarvis accepted the seat with an almost silent sigh, rubbing his knee a little after the climb up the stairs.

“Would you like something to drink?” Bucky offered from the kitchen, discreetly trying to straighten up the small apartment for their unexpected guest.

“No, thank you, I shan’t be long,” Jarvis offered with a polite smile.  “I was just bringing some things for Tony as a housewarming present.”

“Like what?” Tony asked curiously, and started digging through the bags.  “Oh my God, you brought me food,” he said with reverence, opening the lid to one of the storage containers and wanting to cry from the smells inside.

“Your mother also sent along some things,” Jarvis said, handing him a small box that was undeniably his mom’s, Tiffany blue and edged in silver.

“Oh.” Tony started to open it and hesitated, then closed the lid. “Thank you.”

“How are you doing?” Jarvis’s hands crossed and he leaned over the table, the lines around his eyes creased with worry.  “Howard is being stubborn and pretending that nothing has changed, but the rest of us are worrying.”

“I’m fine,” Tony said, trying to sound fine and not like he was terrified or homesick or lonely. “I like it here.  It will be close to my degree program when class starts in the fall.”

“Good.  You’ve already sent in your application?”

“It’s not due until February, but I’m not worried.”  Kind of a lie.  He was a bit worried, but it kind of seemed that a bit worried was just his life now, so what’s one more thing.

Jarvis smiled.  “No, I imagine not.”  He patted Tony on the shoulder, his knuckles swollen with arthritis. “I can’t stay long, I have dinner plans with Ana, but I did want to say that I’m proud of you for not letting Howard bully you.”

“Thanks, Jarvis. Say hello to Ana for me.”  Tony walked Jarvis back to his car and watched him drive away, taking a moment to feel sorry for himself before he headed back up the stairs.  He missed Ana and Jarvis with a physical ache; they had been the ones to make the Stark house a home, and he wanted to have that back so badly it hurt. Eventually though, he forced himself to go back up the stairs and help Bucky put the food in the fridge. “Have you eaten?” He asked, cracking the lid on one of the glass dishes.  “Want some of this homemade lasagna?”

“You had me at homemade,” Bucky said with a crooked smile and turned to pull a couple of plates out of the cabinets.  “Who was that? An uncle? He seemed nice.”

“Old family friend, though I did call him uncle when I was younger.  Kind of like Aunt Peggy, but Jarvis is more like a dad than anything else.  Better than my real one, most days,” he muttered under his breath, making a face as he put a slice of lasagna on each plate to reheat.  “So how was your day?”

After dinner and dishes, Tony debated opening the box from his mother, chewing on his thumb as he studied it.  After a moment, though, he put it in the bottom of the closet, not really emotionally ready for whatever was inside; probably some sort of emotional blackmail, like heartfelt letters from his dad when he was young or something.  Instead he pulled his laptop out and tried to relax by reviewing his application to the Tanden School, which required a thesis project proposal along with the usual essay.  Until recently, he’d been reviewing some of his father’s old scrapped designs with the idea that it would endear the old man to the idea of another doctorate, for all the good that’d done.  He’d been particularly excited to work on the arc reactor, hoping to make it more efficient and preferably smaller, but now just looking at the blueprints were making him angry all over again.

With a sigh he set his computer on the floor next to the bed and fell back against the pillows. Out in the living room he could hear Bucky watching a movie and wondered if he’d be imposing if he went out to join him. To be honest, though, he wasn’t sure that he felt like the company anyway, so he rolled over and eventually fell asleep.

[bijoumikhawal]

Writers Room and Recasting Call for Five Years the Podcast

What is the podcast about?

Five Years is a teslapunk podcast chronicling the dramatic and sometimes ridiculous adventures of the misfit crew and passengers on the Lightning Struck following the Captain, Florence Baker, having an unfortunate run in with a witch, resulting in her, and her crew and passengers being cursed.

Writers

Writers Call ended August 7th.

Recasts

Info on Recasts:

• Why are you recasting?

Some actors are either too busy, were mainly selected because they were the only ones to audition for certain parts, do not truly reflect the racial, ethnic, or other backgrounds of various characters, or some combination of the above. At the time of casting I was inexperienced and young, and now want to be better in how I conduct my affairs when writing characters that aren't apart of my particular minority groups.

• What does that mean for me?

It means that I would greatly prefer it if white voice actors didn't audition for non white roles, and will not consider auditions of white VAs for non white roles, as well as cis actors for transgender or otherwise gender variant roles.

• You've had years to write this podcast, why isn't it up?

My computer broke last winter, meaning we couldn't really edit audio, and due to the school year, a lot of us became less involved in the podcast. Due to this I've spent a lot of time researching things for the podcast and reflecting on choices I made, quite a few of which were hasty and ill informed.

• why do the characters have linked Pinterest boards/playlists?

Just in case the audioneer wants to know a little more about the character and their personality/aesthetic

• will I get paid?

As of now, no. This may change in the future (we do have a Patreon that needs to be updated), but currently there is no pay.

• I don't match these characters exactly, what do I do?

Our main priorities are not casting white actors for nonwhite roles, and not casting cis people for trans roles. Were we a podcast with money on hand, we would be more specific with casting, but unfortunately, we aren't.

Characters being recast:

Bayzli Jancsi Lakatoš

Gender: cisgender male

Sexuality: biromantic and ace

A 17 year old Romani Jew that hails from Poland. Is working a 3 year contract under Captain Baker. He is neat and orderly, and while outgoing, is easily tired when dealing with people he doesn't like or know very well. He is known to notice things about others very quickly, and can remember minor comments people have made from years or months prior with near perfect clarity, is a tad self righteous, and does not back down from challenges or insults.

Voice: young, on the deeper side, has an almost calming quality to it, frequently described as fruity or honeyed, has a Polish accent

Pinterest board: https://pin.it/2l2wae56d4qtoz

Playlist:

https://open.spotify.com/user/scipiocipher/playlist/6XvOISz4hTcwXS1hAZnw80?si=moBQdoDRQOi_Vaz5CMlQLg

Sample voice lines:

"Oops... I really did not mean to do that, I swear. If you are mad about that, please do not kill me."

"Hey! What about that time you almost got our arms made into jerky?"

Keone Maata

Gender: mahulani (identifies closer with female than male, AMAB)

Sexuality: she doesn't know or care

A 16 year old Maori-Kanaka Maoli engineering prodigy from Washington DC. Working a contract, like Bayzli. She prefers to be alone, and spends almost as much time reading on new innovations as she does on making her own. She gets anxious in large crowds, and cannot stand the smell of chalk. She is highly enthusiastic and persistent when it comes to her personal projects, takes things too personally, and is easily embarrassed. She is mistrustful of others, spiteful, is noted for having a bizarre humor, and makes decisions based on how she feels more so than what others view as logical.

Voice: a bit raspy, husky, tenor range, has a classically dark voice- think old timey femme fatale actresses, but a bit deeper.

Pinterest board: https://pin.it/zz26psxwlvrkfz

Playlist:

https://open.spotify.com/user/scipiocipher/playlist/5UjD4QL9XqRFiG0r4SnzgL?si=jpoaEtXgRNmlAzdnRU_Wwg

Sample voice lines:

"ZHENYA, THERE’S A PANCAKE DRINKING MY BLOOD, GET IT OFF!"

"Yeah, but considering what I haven’t fixed yet it could have been soooo much worse. Now c’mon, I want this pancake off me."

Hannah Marilou Arrisen

Gender: aylonit (classically, a type of intersex recognized in Judaism, but she identifies with it as a gender)

Sexuality: pansexual

A 15 year old passenger on the Lightning Struck from Harlem. Very proudly black and Jewish. Pisses off everyone with her late night chemistry experiments involving fireworks and explosives. ADHD, bad at prioritizing and making decisions, frequently forgets what she's supposed to be doing, has an idealistic and upbeat worldview. Is notably dismissive of things she doesn't view as important, and is judgemental of those who get in her space. Can talk circles around most people, especially when aided by her brother.

Voice: high, clear, silvery. Commands attention.

Pinterest board: https://pin.it/dsrn2mwh3ut2ng

Playlist:

https://open.spotify.com/user/scipiocipher/playlist/6ihA2gacxY4VFdsrSwJtZz?si=B8hjsG17QwuCeX583NzOnQ

Sample voice lines:

"Did- did those pancakes just move?"

"Oh, yeah, that’s a brilliant plan, not like that might not work and go horribly wrong or anything."

Jans Antinous Arrisen

Gender: transgender male

Sexuality: gay

A 15 year old pen artist and, singer, and aspiring legal consultant from Harlem. Hannah's twin brother. Black and Jewish. Jans is fearless, vain, compulsive, disorganized, and easy to agitate. He is notably flamboyant, a lover of decadence, logical, confident, and quite charming. His sister has described him as "the personification of an eyebrow waggle and wink". He is intelligent and specializes in convincing or confusing people who he views as potential adversaries. He is anemic from long term radium exposure.

Voice: soft spoken, airy, and frequently sing song. Has issues breathing.

Pinterest board: https://pin.it/5bxal7wgytvztj

Playlist:

https://open.spotify.com/user/scipiocipher/playlist/06K25hyHTiSbn27B1al0Lr?si=SLIPjKEgRM2U4vYsHLMQrw

Sample voice lines:

"Technically, it's not on fire."

"We could- hear me out here- we could eat them."

Captain Florence Aria Baker

Gender: cisgender female

Sexuality: AroAce

A young black Muslim woman and former military captain. Capitain Baker was discharged after an accident where she lost her arm and most of her unit died. She refuses to speak about the incident, citing trauma, but the truth is much darker than the military would have you believe. She is passionate, no nonsense, hyper viligant, and at times controlling. She has come to hate the military, and is aggressively anti war. She is also notably charming, considerate, and future oriented.

Voice: on the deep side, like Hannah it commands attention

Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/scipiocipher/playlist/4tNguG2sdQrUhjo5m1be7U?si=t8qI4HWjSZ-LQ31nQqiYYA

Pinterest board: https://pin.it/3aefeepdql7hsu

Sample voice lines: "I said set a small fire! This is not small!"

"Okay. There’s a secret room on this ship. That’s... fine. Great."

Nadia Klara Pasternak (newly up for recast)

Gender: cis female

Sexuality: bisexual

Nadia is an 18 year old, and former gladiator. She has a love of reading and an extensive knowledge of interesting but useless words, and a very good knowledge of weaponry and various fighting styles. She grew up in the Aphrodite province on Mars, under the rule of Baron Semen. She is of Ukrainian-Mongol descent, and is autistic. She tends to avoid people she doesn't know, and often is quiet even around those she does know. She is compassionate towards those she views as misunderstood, and is patient and honest. She takes action quickly and enjoys working with others (hence why she often gets roped into the twins schemes), but is also skeptical and at times introverted. Like Jans, she is vain.

Voice: bubbly, has a soft Ukrainian accent. Doesn't sound like a girl who likes fighting.

Sample voice lines: "How about you lose!"

"Technically it is outwardly digesting you. Like a pineapple!"

What to include in your audition:

Name

Age (if comfortable with that)

Pronouns

Email address

Additional contact information ( Tumblr, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, etc)

Which character(s) you’re auditioning for, and their audio

Previous experience, if applicable.

Submit your audition to either the Five Years Tumblr (fiveyearsthepodcast.tumblr.com) or email it to us at fiveyearsthepodcast@gmail.com

Recasting Call will end November 14th.

[whoaimhellatrash]

I don't really know where to put this except here but I need to get everything out. I'm putting it under a cut, no one needs to read it, but I just need to yell into the void for a while and on the off chance someone else is in this deserted Denny's parking lot at 4 am then cool beans you do you.

I have spent the last 4-5 years of my life doing nothing but self exploration. Honestly I’m sure a lot of people can relate, mid-late middle school to late high school is when people actually stop for a minute and think “who am i?” 

So many of these thoughts are influenced by the world around you, which in our society is so goddamn dangerous honestly. With so many influences like toxic masculinity, the disrespect of women, the racism the phobia the models and photoshop, it’s all so toxic for people just trying to discover who we really are. I think my identity was so fucking out of left field and so new and so wrong for others that it put me so harshly through the wringer that I earned self awareness. Through the immense pain and pressure, I was forced to stop and think, to consider, how much of this is me and how much of this is my parents, my society, how much of myself has been put here by others instead of molded by myself. Like a piece of coal turning to a diamond by sheer pressure, my perspective of myself and the world drastically changed.

It’s honestly still changing, and i doubt it’ll stop, I don’t want it to stop. I want to keep changing my views with the times, I want to keep discovering new things about myself and others, but this desire came with a price, as did my self awareness.

Back in mid to late middle school, my memory is muddled I wont lie, I had discovered sexuality and the fluidity of it, or at least a small piece of it. It was so mind boggling to me that at 7 in the morning, on the bus ride to school, I told a senior from my neighborhood about it with just this sparkling delight of curiosity and excitement in my eyes. I remember reading, on that dark, quiet bus, the definitions of bisexual, homosexual, demi, and pan which i ended up identifying with the latter for a long time. 

This moment, these precious few moments on a bus, was the first push of a snowball down a long hill of self discovery. I remember coming out as pan in my school and watching, one by one, several more of my friends come out as Bi and gay. It was something i reveled in, knowing that I helped that cascade. I was lucky, not being faced with bullying for my sexuality in particular, but I hadn’t come out to anyone truly important and I wouldn’t for a while.

When I met my best friend (going on 6-7 years now) they introduced me to the idea of trans. I had never put thought into it before but I decided that maybe I wanted to try it out. Deep down in the pit of my gut, i knew i hated who i was. I wasn’t comfortable, i wasn’t..right. I always pulled my hair up in a pony tail, i couldn’t stand it being down, i never wore dresses or skirts unless i was forced to do so for a dance, i just couldnt stand the femininity of it. I liked the power and confidence of looking good but it just..wasnt the right kind. It never felt like it was right. I constantly wore baggy hoodies to hide my body. I thought maybe it was my weight, I starved myself, as in only eating a few cheerios and an apple maybe for an entire 30 hours. I fainted in class from low glucose levels. Nothing I tried helped and in fact made everything so much worse. 

I was finally ready to try something else. I was genderfluid at first, i tried they/them and i found I liked it, but when i tried he/him I thrived on it. It felt comfortable and right and I never wanted to give it up. I never came out to my middle school friends. 

My freshman year of high school I had decided that I was going to live out all four years as Dave. As myself, as someone who i was comfortable with, then once those four years were up, I would go back into the closet and live my life as the perfect little girl, the sweet, precious golden child like I had been forced to be for all of my life. It was at this time that my depression was at it’s worst point. 

8-9 grade became a dead blur. It was around this time that my sister was diagnosed with depression. My mom knew nothing, she genuinely believed some fast food would make my sister not sad anymore. My sister began going to therapy. After a long battle with myself and my deeply ingrained desire to be the perfect kid who never is a bother or a pest, I asked my mom for therapy too. My therapist was not good for me, i didn’t realize what my problems actually were, she was treating surface issues, not the source. I realize that now and I’ve expressed this fact to my current therapist, but at the time I wasn’t aware and I had no way to ask for a different therapist because apparently it was “So hard finding a therapist to treat me oh and so much harder to find a psychiatrist.” I understand that my mom doesn’t want to feel as though she’s failed, that her child is suffering, though I don’t believe she understood or understands that although I’m suffering, the best remedy is to let me have help. But, on the other hand, being so put down, so ostracized, so passive aggressively hated for wanting help stood to do nothing but encourage me to isolate myself and develop destructively dependent relationships on my friends.

I got medication at some point, according to others it turned me into a flat zombie, I remember nothing around this time. It stabilized my mood but it stabilized it at the lowest possible point. It was somewhere in this time that I attempted suicide, I self harmed, I was destructive and even more so than I had been in middle school with my starving. I fought day in and day out about my gender. I fought with teachers who used it against me, students who didn’t believe me, and for a long time I was all alone except for the few friends I had who were all over the country. 

I felt like I was living a double life, i still feel like it. I’m Dave with everyone else, and a perfect daughter to my family. In sophomore and junior year I picked myself up. I found more friends, more of them began to question their gender identity too. Whether I started this self discovery early or if I was the one that sparked theirs, the world was gaining color and clarity. Part of it may be caused by the fact that I had quit my meds cold turkey (in hindsight not a good idea, dont ever do that kids, it’s dangerous), I came out to my mom then my dad as Pan (didn’t go over well but I was out) and I had begun to surround myself with people I really enjoyed and who were a much more positive influence on me.

I have so many positive memories of my friends, going to concerts, being idiots and smoking weed, hanging out every morning and just talking. As hard as everything was, I can say that I had times where I was genuinely happy. But every day, every single day, I had internal battles going on. Fighting tooth and nail not to relapse and start self harming or starving myself, fighting to get out of bed in the morning and go through my routine. Every morning I sat on the edge of my bed and stared at my binder, the thing that was helping me survive yet destroying me too. I sat and stared and wondered “how long am I going to have to put this on? Will I ever be comfortable enough to stop?”

A lot of things changed. My mood increased bit by bit, I found my own coping mechanisms, I learned how to be marginally healthier, my grades picked up, I became an unstoppable force, fueled by determination and pride and spite, I was going to succeed because I wanted to. Because I wanted to speak my mind, to not be a doormat, I wanted to be strong and powerful and to have a grip on my own life. 

Yet, even with my newfound confidence, I was still struggling so deeply. Mid sophomore year my sister started to transition. It hurt. It hurt so deeply and profoundly. This woman, who had been nothing less than a destructive hurricane in my life, who had done nothing but destroy because that’s the only side of me she ever showed, was somehow being given the gift of transitioning. 

I had fought with myself, tried to convince myself that if my sister was being given support, i would too. Besides, my mom had already found out because I was being called Dave by all my teachers and friends.

I didn’t get the reception I was hoping for.

“You know if you pick this lifestyle your entire life is going to be harder. Everything is going to be worse, you’re going to have to struggle so much more through life. You might never reach the success that you want to reach.” I was devastated. I basically crawled back into the closet, my gender coming up sparingly. 

Everything leading up to this time in my life, everything i’ve shared, everything I haven’t, all of it has led up to this and now I’m at a crossroads. It’s the later end of my senior year. College is right around the corner, so are jobs and careers and life, and now I have a choice. Maybe I don’t. 

When I started high school, when I decided I would come out to my teachers and my friends, when I decided to live this life, I also decided I would box myself up by the end of it all, to move forwards in life as a good little girl after this, to get it all out of my system now. Now I see, now I’ve decided that that’s not an option, it never was an option.  I’ve been growing so much, and I don’t intend to stop, I’ve learned ways to help myself, how not to be so self destructive, how to be kinder and gentler to myself and others. I want to be someone who is compassionate and caring but still strong and not a pushover. I think i’ve begun to achieve that, I still have lots more to do and a long way to go but I’m getting myself help, I’m actively trying in therapy, I’m being more self aware in my relationships, I’m building bonds and trust between the people I care about and I’m trying to make my life better, but I can’t go through building this new life while denying myself such a massive aspect of who I am? 

Who am I going to be?

How long can I live this lie of who I am on one hand while trying to define myself on the other?

The world says I have time but my heart says it’s ticking away.

[kincringeemporium]

So I promised y’all a high school kinnie storytime. Suffer/enjoy.

First off, for some context, I was generally a dick in high school. Nobody has to be a social butterfly, and if you’re more focused on your education than having lots of friends at that age, hey, good on you. I’m not dragging that. I’m saying that I was -- again -- a pretentious little piece of shit. 

Now, being a pretentious little piece of shit, I sought people who didn’t follow the usual crowds and didn’t agree with the most common points of view in my school. These people were, in my mind, smarter. Better. More worth my time.  

However, being rather bored and lonely and wanting at least one friend, I kind of shrugged off some red flags that showed up among the people who did meet my stupid fucking high standards. I didn’t ignore these red flags, but shrugged and went, “Well, if I don’t hang out with them, I won’t be hanging out with anyone.” 

So, here are the key players in this magical tale of bullshit. 

If, by some fucking miracle, either of them manage to find this (because they are most definitely on tumblr), I don’t want some shitsplosion out of my laptop screen -- so, fake names.  

Marc, who claimed to be an aroace trans boy. (I say “claimed” because... you’ll see.) 

Z, who was apparently nonbinary, also I can’t remember anything about their name other than that it had a Z in it. 

Alright... So I decided to start a writing club. Marc, Z, and some others showed up because I’d been polite to them in classes and such. We also shared some interests. Mainly Steven Universe and Tumblr. (The others aren’t really important, so I won’t mention them beyond that.) 

In the first meeting, we shared our names, pronouns, hobbies, and years of writing experience. Marc and Z didn’t come up with any hobbies aside from “Internet”, “anime”, and the dreaded “social activism”. At this point, the logical bit of my brain was like, yikes. 

But it gets way, way worse. We also shared our Tumblr urls (my high school Tumblr is still out there, btw). I will now list some of the shit that I encountered on their blogs. 

“Soft confused transboy, they/them or he/him” on Marc’s about 

Undertale Sans in front of green/yellow/black flag as Marc’s icon 

Some edgy, fake-deep line in Z’s about (I don’t remember what) 

“They/them, xe/xem” in Z’s about 

A whole fuck ton of SU Peridot posts from Z 

Posts on both blogs @’ing each other, tagged with “qpp”, “pda”, and related shit

“lol Big Gay!” and “ewww straights!” jokes all over both blogs 

Yeah. Yikes. But still, I was pretty desperate for something to do. 

So I kept talking to them. I thought Marc was alright, so tried to find out more about him. Eventually we got round to talking about crushes, orientations, etc. I asked Marc what qpp meant. 

He gave me some long winded explanation that didn’t actually explain much. What I understood from it was that a qpp is a friend who you love, but aren’t in love with. (Which is... just a best friend.) 

Z gave a similar explanation. And I thought... alright. I guess that’s that. Weird, but eh. 

Until one day, a ‘tag something about your crush/s.o.’ post appeared on my dash from Marc tagged “I kissed my qpp today!! I’m so happy!!!” And I was... confused. Didn’t Marc, as an aromantic person, not fall in love? Didn’t kissing someone and getting those warm fuzzy feelings mean you were in love with them?  

I decided to do some digging. An initial scroll through Z’s blog revealed surprisingly little of interest... but then I found, buried somewhere in their links, a “me” button. So I clicked it. Selfies. I was about to click off before I reached the very bottom and, being in public, had to do a double take to ensure no one was behind me. A bikini selfie, yay! And Z was 16. Butt out, tits out, all of it. Tagged with, you guessed it, “body positivity”.  

Now... I’m not insulting overweight people (Z was a little overweight) for liking themselves, feeling confident, etc. I’m not even insulting them in particular wearing bikinis, even if I don’t like bikinis in general. I’m saying that at 16, Z should not have been posting sexy selfies under the guise of a movement that claims to be built on self acceptance and confidence. 

So, I pulled away from Z some. 

That left me more time to talk with Marc. I didn’t say a word about his relationship (bc that’s what it was) with Z. Looking back, I find it odd that throughout our entire friendship, Marc didn’t mention dysphoria. Of course nobody has to tell all their friends all about their dysphoria. There was just no “Ugh, I got misgendered earlier” or anything about “pre-transition, I...”  But anyway. 

I started looking through Marc’s blog again. There were a hell of a lot of Sans posts and it didn’t click with me back then that Marc may have been a fictionkin. I don’t recall if he tagged the Sans posts with anything kinnie-ish, but holy fuck, there were a lot. It was weird. 

Also weird was that as the year went on, Marc stopped showing up to writing club as often. I asked him what was up, and said that if he didn’t want to be in the club anymore, he should just let me know - because that’d be okay. But no, he made some excuse and walked away from the conversation. 

The next day, I got a text from Marc saying (not verbatim, but still): “Hey, my anxiety has been really bad lately, and my doctors are saying not to participate in social clubs like this. I’m too tired. Really sorry!” 

 I said it was fine and didn’t think much of it. He and Z still spent a lot of time together in the halls and such; I didn’t put a ton of thought into that, either. 

Sometime the next week, a writer friend of mine (who was also in the club, and not annoying or shitty or anything), invited me to a GSA meeting. I was bored and decided to try it out. 

When I walked in, guess who the fuck I saw? 

Marc and Z.  

He could not even meet my eyes. I’ve never seen a person look that fucking guilty. My writer friend could tell something was up, smartly wanted no part of it, and excused herself. 

Marc had been attending GSA meetings the entire damn time, while claiming that he was following doctor’s orders by leaving writing club. 

Fucker. 

That’s the last I saw of Marc and Z.  

And all the things that add up to suspiciously kinnie-like behavior... 

Z’s neopronouns 

Marc’s weird mogai-ish version of aromanticism 

Marc’s Sans icon and Sans posts

Z’s fuck ton of Peridot posts 

Both Z and Marc encouraging each other’s behavior 

Marc’s lying and fake anxiety claims 

“soft transboi” 

So... that’s that. 

I’ve got more cringe-inducing stories, too. I can tell y’all about: 

A girl in bio class who was a complete ballsack

she was obnoxiously, overly sweet 

she used her mental disabilities as an excuse to act ignorant 

she thought being gay was a choice 

she clearly had no respect for transgender people (with legitimate gender dysphoria) 

was a complete pain in the ass to my favorite teacher 

I did something passive aggressive to her because I was done with her shit 

Two girls in anime club who were also huge ballsacks 

appeared to hate each other 

one was very small, quiet, and a loner 

other was loud, edgy, and unironically said “we’re here and we’re queer!” 

quiet one 100% lead me on  

loud one was a fucking dick to me

there’s a plot twist 

bonus: loud dickish one tried to be my friend and I was not falling for it

-K 

[thescrapbookingscientist]

Weekly Blog Post #1 -Goodbye 2018 and Welcome 2019

1/11/2019

Dear Future me,

I’m a bit late starting this (which I have no excuse for), but the gist is that I’ve decided that from now on I’m going to make a blog post every week as a way to document and look back on all the good and possibly not good things happening in my life. There's no formula here, it’s mainly be just a free for all to talk about my week and the things I enjoy.

That being said, This first entry will be a bit different and quite a bit longer than normal, as I reflect back on the recently ended 2018. This year stretched on unusually long as Trumps Politics became a raging dumpster fire threatening a country wide collapse on a weekly basis, and authoritarian began spreading further throughout the rest of the World. For me personally, I

-wrote a 26 page thesis that I will never look at again

-graduated from UC with a Neuroscience degree

-served a term as a research assistant taking care of mice

-worked at then quit my job at Staples

-Got a job at the IRS

-Got suspended from my job at the IRS due to a government shutdown that is still in effect

-started dating for the first time (though no girlfriend as of yet)

-grew even closer to my friends as we typically hung out at least twice a week

-entered a DnD campaign

-Got suspended from playing said DnD campaign

-Discovered I like Sushi

-Went to my first concert since middle school (Panic! at the Disco and Hayley Kiyoko)

-Stayed at a cabin with my friends where we played strip jenga and got lost hiking in the woods for 8 miles in a thunderstorm

-Got a mysterious disease that lasted 2 weeks from said hike

-Grew my hair out then cut 10 inches off and donated it

-My best friend got engaged, My sister went to Sweden, and my brother moved to Toledo

-Watching my puppy Cocoa grow up (though we technically got her late 2017)

And probably a lot more that I can’t remember at the moment. As per usual I spent a lot of 2018 consuming media like the nerd that I am, so I’m going to spend the rest of this far too long entry ranking my favorite things I saw/read in 2018. These will be ranked by pure enjoyment, not overall quality, and aren't meant to be an objective best of list. I just want to talk about things I like. So:

Top 5 Movies

Honorable mention- Hereditary, a fantastic and deeply unsettling film that was one of the most emotionally charged viewing experiences I’ve ever had. It would be high on the list if I had actually watched in 2018, but I only just now watched it and had made the list before hand. Still, one of the best horror movies I’ve ever seen.

5-Venom-Movie was a fucking mess but it was pretty fun. I love the concept of the Symbiotes.

4-A Quiet Place-A movie with almost no sound/verbal dialogue and a great sense of suspense

3-Black Panther-Amazing sense of Style, Amazing Villain, A great Cultural achievement  

2-Deadpool 2- Fantastic sense of humor, inventive fights, first big screen lgbt+ superheroes

1-Into the Spiderverse-Best animation I've seen in maybe a decade, Everything about this movie is surprisingly amazing, from the soundtrack to the character designs to the emotional resonance. This Movie can’t come out on DVD fast enough.

Top 5 Cartoons

Honorable Mention -Voltron-Disappointing Finale but 7th season had an amazing Keith/Shiro fight scene and Lotor, arguably one of the best characters in the series.

5-Rick and Morty-Not my favorite season but still smart, rewatchable, and unique episodes.

4-She Ra- Great characters and designs with the Catra/Adora conflict elevating the Series.

3-Bobs Burgers- Consistently good, funny, and relatable, My whole family enjoys it.

2-Steven Universe- Finally getting answers to alien plot, excellent art, plenty of lgbt goodness

1-Hilda-An incredibly inventive new series with a truly unique and empathetic fantasy world, adorable art, a wonderful mother-daughter relationship and some of my new favorite creature designs. The atmosphere this series creates is one I want to live in forever.

Top 5 TV Shows

Honorable Mention- Killing Eve, Like Hereditary I did not watch this until 2019, but I adored Villanelle’s strange psychopathy and the very lesbian tension between her and Eve.

Honorable Mention-The Haunting of the Hill House-Great character building episodes, neat effects, and a great building tension, an underwhelming finale brings it down a bit.

5-Stranger Things-Inferior to the 1st season but still great characters and interesting plot

4-Game of Thrones-Lots of plot contrivances but every episode was still massively entertaining.

3-Good Place-Genuinely great twist with creative ideas and a solid critique of moral philosophy

2-Dirk Gently-Batshit insane, quirky, hilarious, with absolutely amazing characters and writing.

1-Brooklyn 99-One of the best shows on TV, every episode is hilarious and heartfelt, I love every cast member. Ontop of having an amazing sense of humor, B99 is one of the most progressive shows on television, and continually address relevant issues in a tactful and good natured way.

Top 5 Anime

Honorable Mention-Zombieland Saga- a fun show with a creative spin on the idol genre, the heartfelt relations between the characters were a highlight, as was the presence of a trans idol.

5-Aggretsuko-Incredibly relatable with adorable and lovable characters.

4-Mo Dao Zu Shi-Unique setting with a great protagonist and a slow build gay romance

3-Devilman Crybaby-An unforgettable and highly enthralling experience, plus I’m gay for Miko

2-Megalo Box-Probably Deserves to be #1  for its fantastic sense of style, tension, amazingly choreographed fights, lovable protagonist and ‘Antagonist’, and incredible pacing.

1-Reincarnated Slime-This anime is just the ultimate escapist fantasy. Every week I look forward to watching the stupidly op and likable protagonist make friends with everyone he meets, build a peaceful city from scratch, overpower everyone with neat abilities, try his best to avoid conflicts, and comment on how hot everyone around him is. It's the equivalent of playing an RPG and doing every side quest you can to make everyone happy, I love it. It's just very Chill and pretty.

Top 5 Comics

Honorable Mention-Space Battle Lunchtime-Cute lgbt+ characters and fun concept, but short for now

5-Moonstruck-My ideal fantasy world with fun and vibrant fantasy designs and a highly diverse cast of lgbt+ characters, but only just beginning with a lot of room for further character development. 

4-Trust-fantastic art and an intriguing setting with a mysterious but interesting plot

3-MotorCity-Stylish protagonist with an adorable girlfriend and an interesting supernatural twist.

2-Saga-Creative and exciting space opera that introduces lots of likable characters and then kills them.

1-The Adventure Zone-My favorite Fantasy Story of all time getting translated into a visual medium. While the first Volume was not quite as good as the Podcast (Though I don’t believe that’s possible anyway), it still had much of the great humor and characters with some lovely art and a condensed story.

Top 5 Web Series

Honorable Mention- Game Grumps-Not sure if I want to count Lets Plays but this channel brings me so much joy. House Party, Doodle Doods, and the 10 Minute Power Hours were highlights.

5-Monster Pop-Great colorful character designs and complex character conflicts with ample lgbt+ content

4-Buzzfeed Unsolved-very interesting and weird events with hilarious commentary, the hosts have a great chemistry and play well off each other.

3-Their Story-My favorite lesbians, stylish, cute, and fun, wish it updated more often.

2-19 Days-Amazing slow build romances with incredibly fun characters and interactions, Grade A Homoerotic tension. 

1-Ava's Demon-Some of my favorite art and character designs in any Media, The plot is amazing and fairly unpredictable, I feel incredibly excited every time I see it has updated.

Well that’s all for now. Next time will be my favorite ships of 2018, as their were some interesting couples this year.

[a-jew-leaf]

My Spiritual Journey

This is VERY long but something I had been meaning to hash out for a while.

Last weekend I attended the retreat Let My People sing and was privileged to study with Taya Shere, co-founder of the Kohenet Institute, among other amazing folks. I think the timing in my own life as well as taking in the teachings Taya had to offer inspired me to spend the weekend looking inward and focusing on myself and my own spirituality rather than branching out in search of new friendships and social connections. I left the weekend with an incredible sense of peace that stuck with me through the next five days. As I tried to shrug off the impending deadlines of work (and that I need to accomplish in order to have a truly restful, spiritual, and peaceful Days of Awe) in order to settle in to shabbat, I lost that background zen that had been helping me keep it together through the last week. Today, as I was thinking about trying to find some peace and rest before heading to work tomorrow, I found myself reflecting back on what about Taya and the particularities of what she brought from her own Kohenet practice to services and teaching spoke to me so profoundly and also how to reclaim the peace she inspired.

Something that I have been meaning to do for a while (read: years) is truly reflect on my own spiritual journey. I have, at times, considered myself a spiritual person but that has been an exceedingly small minority of my history. Before stumbling my way into Judaism, I had spent many years referring to myself a staunch and life-long atheist. That is not quite true, either, but I do not think I had the understanding or language to describe it either.

I grew up thinking I was Christian because those around me were Christian. My family celebrated Christmas and Easter. One time, we went to a church service for Mother's Day because my mom wanted to; I found the whole thing very alien and strange. Once, I spend spring break attending Vacation Bible School at a friend's church because I liked my friend and she said it was fun; all I remember was making a purple glittery cross that I proudly displayed in my room lest my friends think that my non-churchgoing family was not Christian enough. I liked that I got two full days of weekend and sleeping in. I did not have to put on annoying fancy clothes, especially since I am sure it would have been a weekly fight against wearing a dress. I formulated what being Christian and believing in God and Jesus must mean based on bits and pieces gleaned from Christmas specials. I did not believe Jesus was a real person because he seemed just like another character in a non-existent fantasy land. I did not realize Bethlehem was a real city that still existed today!

In eighth grade, I started attending a Presbyterian church with my neighbor. I had always been insecure about the fact that my family did not attend church, although I do not have any memories of anyone even saying anything to me about it. I joined the youth chorus, which I loved. I got to sing tenor which was *gasp* a boy's part. I got to spend more time with my new best friend and neighbor. We were both bored through sermons but got to make silent faces and jokes at each other. When I did listen to the sermons, however, and when I went to Sunday school, I slowly began realizing that the story I had put together from Christmas specials was not the whole story. The Jesus of love and forgiveness who inspired poor drummer boys to play for him was not the same in church. When my neighbor and I got in a full blow-out fight over something I cannot now recall, we stopped speaking. I stayed in the chorus through the concert out of obligation, and then never went back.

Also, in eighth grade, I met another best friend. She began to dabble in Wicca and I, recently alienated from Christianity, followed. I borrowed books from the library, read up on it, and found it to be somewhat meaningful. What I found most meaningful about it was that I was free to make it my own. I liked that the God and Goddess were both manifestations of a greater unspeakable force. I also liked that it did not invalidate other pagan gods of old. I learned that many wiccans chose to pray to and follow gods from a variety of pantheons; they too were just manifestations of certain aspects of that same unspeakable force. I knew there was a force or forces in the world that were beyond explanation, but I was unsure of whether or not they were truly divine. That was ok, it was allowed too. It seemed plausible that one could learn to focus energies and cause magick to happen, but I was not really interested in that part. I grew up with a sincere appreciation for nature, and I began to seek quiet moments in the bits of forest that existed in the suburbs and under the moon whenever possible. The full moon shined perfectly in my bedroom window onto the foot of my bed. I found peace and meaning in opening the blinds, putting my pillow at the other end of my bed, and sleeping bathed in the moonlight. I spent evenings in my room with the light off, lighting candles and incense, and listening to music. I loved the band Godsmack because the lead singer was Wiccan.

I knew at the time that it would not stick. I was not really interested in joining a coven and I did not think that if magick was real it was something people, let alone teenagers, should be messing with. There was a lot I did not understand about it or myself. Looking back now, I think I figured something out. I think a lot of teenage girls are drawn to wicca because it is empowering. The focus on the divine feminine is refreshing. I did not know that I was trans then, but I knew I hated being a girl and hated the idea of celebrating my own supposed womanhood. What I did like, however, was the existence of the divine masculine. Even though Christianity is so patriarchal, I do not think that there really is a divine masculine. It is more like men=good, women=bad. Here was something telling me, however, that the feminine and the masculine were parts of the same whole. There was also a lot about everything embodying both. Even if I was full of feminine that I hated, there was some masculine inside me too. I also like that if the feminine/masculine divide did not appeal, I could find comfort in other gods that embodied traits that I admired. My patron god was Thor and I lived for summer thunderstorms to restore me. I was also terrified of getting struck by lightning, which was either ironic or a healthy fear of the divine.

It did not stick. I got in a huge fight with that friend when I fell into a love triangle with her and her boyfriend, monogamy required that he choose, and he chose me. I wore my pentacles for a while, but I found myself connecting less with nature, the moon, and my candles. I settled more heavily into being a goth and relishing in anything heretical. Anne Rice, her vampires and witches, and their heresy became my new religion. This was quickly followed by adding Jacqueline Carey's Terre D'Ange, her gods and goddesses, and the divinity of sex and kink proposed in her novels. If all gods were made up anyway, I might as go with those from recent books. They were more real to me than any God set forth in the Bible. I envied book characters who knew their gods were real because they got to interact with them and they made real, if not misguided, alterations in their lives.

As my goth phase wore away, I think I began to claim more toward the atheist label. I still remained particularly drawn to anything heretical to Christianity. I loved arguing against the merits of Christianity and what I thought were the downfalls of all organized religion. I pushed against my friends who were Christian hoping I could convince them to drop their nonsense. My boyfriend at the time was incredible grounded though also an atheist. We debated ethics and whatnot and it helped form a lot of my life philosophy even today.

My time at college was one of the darkest times of my life. While I get the impression that going away to college is an exciting time of freedom and exploration for many, I feel that I lost myself completely. Teenage hormones and drama aside, my sophomore-senior years of high school were times where I spent a lot of timing writing, introspecting, and finding myself. I intended to come out as trans at college and go by my gender-neutral middle name. I was determined to be my true self. I chickened out immediately. I fell into a questionable relationship that quickly became controlling and bordering on abusive. Everything that I loved about myself and my hobbies became suspect. Heavy metal music was too "stressful." Video games were a "waste of time." Cartoons were "mindless garbage." Even worse, the food allergies that I was suddenly developing were suspect as well. Despite having had a physical reaction to something indeterminate, when I started reacting to a wide variety of foods, she declared that it was in my head. My anxiety spiraled out of control and I was ashamed. I became completely dependent on her for fear of anyone else finding out the demons that were plaguing me. Especially since I was so crazy I thought I was allergic to so much food! (Spoiler alert: I was actually allergic to that food.)

There was no spirituality during this time. I hardened down on my atheist stance. My ex also referred to herself as an atheist but really wanted to go to church. I refused. I was not going to miss out on precious weekend sleep to go worship a god we did not believe in for a religion that hated our queerness. Even though they were gay churches in town, I was uninterested. In addition to my resistance to church, my anxiety was so bad, and I had lost my sense of self so completely, that any time spent alone in my head was torture. I did not seek out quiet spots in the forest or under the moonlight. My thoughts would catch up to me. I might realize how horribly my life had ended up.

Skipping a lot of the relationship details, towards the end of that terrible stint in my life, I found certain aspects unbearable and came out as a trans man. I had chickened out upon going to college, but I could not keep denying myself and enter the professional world expecting to be successful. I began dating another trans man who was heavily involved in the MCC church, the specifically gay denomination of Christianity. He aspired to go to divinity school and become an MCC pastor. I was completely infatuated and amazed to be in a relationship with someone who loved and admired me and did not treat me and the things I loved as if they were unworthy. I still thought my food allergies were in my head, but he did not guilt me into eating things that made me uncomfortable. For him, I attended church. I did not believe in anything they were saying, but I found the power in a good orator and there were lessons to be learned that were true whether or not Jesus was God or God was real. I began to envision my future life as pastor's husband, the atheist church choir director. Our relationship burned hot and brief, so it never came to that.

I left Virginia and my relationships there to move to Massachusetts. My spirituality remained dormant although as a geology major I re-discovered my love of the outdoors. In particular, I have always enjoyed finding spots that really brought home the idea that the world is so much bigger than me. Geology is also good for that, setting our tiny lives in the context of 4.6 billion years. I dabbled briefly in attending UU services when they were down the street, finding some meaning in community and the singing, but never particularly inspired by the whole thing.

I will leave my journey into Judaism for a separate essay, but I would like to tie in how I believe now into what I have laid out here. I have always found a feeling of smallness, which may or may not be connecting with something larger than myself, and even perhaps divine, in two places: music and nature. A lot of what spoke to my eighth grade self about wicca is the same thing that speaks to me about Judaism, plus it includes extra music. As I struggled through my young adult life to reclaim the sense of self I lost in my late teens, I have found myself reconnecting to many things that were meaningful to me in high school. One of the things I have found most meaningful in Judaism is a syncing up with the seasons. I am now building my connection to the natural world in a way my young wiccan self trapped in the endless suburbs never could have dreamed. Now comfortable in my own masculinity (and complimentary femininity), it was interesting to revisit that world over the weekend. I see now the peace and mindfulness that appealed to me as a young teen that was always a part of the deal if I had stuck with it. I see now that peace and mindfulness is important to my own development of Jewish practice. I am looking forward to moving forward from this new place of understanding and reconnection with my past.

[delcat177]

Tag!

Rules! Tag (numbers) people you want to get to know!

I was tagged by @heliodora97 while between PCs, made a note not to forget that shit, promptly forgot that shit, and just remembered that shit 8,D

This got long (of course)

Name: Del Terance-Theodore Scott

Gender: Trans guy

Star Sign: Scorpio

Height: 4′10″, 147.32cm, a smol, just a real smol boy

Sexuality: 5.9 on the Kinsey scale.  Like, maybe one woman in three hundred piques my interest, and that’s usually because they’re coded masculine.  The entire nonbinary spectrum is a case-by-case deal, although again, I’m more inclined toward masc coding.  Basically, I’m panromantic but with the BIGGEST FUCKING BIAS toward gay and 99.8% gay sexually, and since I’m in a monogamous relationship, identifying as gay is really just easier and more gender euphoric.

Also I wanna fuck the fish

What image do you have as your lock screen: 

This has been my lock screen, header, and PC background for two years now and I do not anticipate it changing, thank you @nooneandeveryone

Have you ever had a crush on a teacher: Two or three notable teachers in college and a little schoolboy crush on my high school teacher because he liked and understood me better than 90% of the kids in Crazy Fundie School (he liked MST3K!!!)

Where do you hope to see yourself in 10 years: Holding a big folder of fanfiction marked “DONE” with a big red rubber stamp

If you could go anywhere else right now where would it be?: France, my fiance is probably on their second cup of morning coffee by now

What was your coolest Halloween costume?: Since Halloween is my birthday and Mom was INCREDIBLY patient and skilled, I had some real bangers.  A few that stand out are Queen of the Butterflies and The Most Extra Grizabella the Glamour Cat Cosplay Ever because I am very very gay, plus a not-too-shabby DIY Pyramid Head costume for my last year ever going out.  I think I’m proudest of the year I decided I wasn’t too old for trick-or-treating at the VERY last second, though--I found a huge picture frame and Mom pinned some fabric to the top as a backdrop and bam, I was a portrait.  I taped a “plaque” made out of a post-it reading “(NAME), AUTHOR, AGE 9″ on the bottom because I had Aspirations.  My arms were killing me from carrying it by the end of the night but folks loved it.

What was your favorite 90’s TV show?: 

First fandom and one of the greatest.

Just don’t talk to me about the remake.  Don’t fukken do it.

Last kiss?: Last August, at the airport...I wanna go drink coffee wah

Favorite book?: 

BUT TO NAME A FEW

My love of Discworld and The Phantom Tollbooth should be very apparent, I adore short horror fiction, but one of my favorite unsung heroes is Bruce Coville.  He was one of my greatest influences growing up, both through his books and through his stubbornness in getting anthologies aimed at kids with REAL stories published.  Seriously, the Bruce Coville’s Book Of... series has To Serve Man, Zero Hour, It’s a Good Life, all these sci-fi classics that were in Real Adult Anthologies and the most fucking surreal shit I have ever read and I am counting my adult experiences.  I read Joe R. Lansdale’s The Fat Man at 9 because Bruce Coville thought I should have that right and bless him, I have never been the same.

When I was 10, Mom found out that Bruce was doing school presentations in Michigan and made some calls (I was still homeschooled at the time) and got me in not just to see the presentation, but meet him in person beforehand and talk to him one-on-one.  It was one of the greatest experiences of my life, but I spent a long time wondering if he’d still accept me if I met him as a trans gay adult, because part of being trans is having your fantasies cut short with “shit what if he misgendered me”.

So I wrote him a long letter about it and it turns out he’s progressive as fuck and totally accepts me and now we’re honest-to-God comment-on-each-other’s-posts Facebook friends.

No seriously.  Sometimes your idols actually turn out to be heroes.  Every time I see him lambast Trump my kokoro doki dokis and boy howdy that’s a lot of dokis.

Have you ever been stood up?: I dated all of two people before falling in love with Crow, so I didn’t really get the chance, which is probably a good thing?

Have you ever been to Las Vegas?: I lost two life’s savings on Neopets in one day when the slot machines came out, I spent everything I had and then sold one of my most expensive items and spent all of the proceeds from that, so I’m just gonna play the occasional quiet game of Poker Night 2 ok

Favorite pair of shoes: I have Achilles’ tendonitis so I can really only wear specific sneakers, but before we knew that, I used to beg Mom to let me buy boots at the Army Surplus store and I would wear them until the sides gave out (yes, the sides, my ankles are fucked up and weird).  Gender euphoria to the NINES.  I miss it augh.

Favorite fruit?: A L L OF T H E M

ok actually I’m not too much into citrus except for pomelos and kiwis are too sour and these things can fuck right off but buddy I avoid putting on stoner weight because I will just sit there slowly eating individual blueberries like a lizard for four hours, or crack open a can of jackfruit, or make myself positively ill on cherries, FRUIT IS AMAZING

I think if I absolutely HAD to choose, it’d be cherries.  Cherries are Michigan’s Thing and we used to pick them ourselves from tourist farms and oh God I am forever spoiled on cherry flavor because that shit does NOT compare.  It’s so good.  It’s so so good.

Casul is a fruit bat for a reason ok

Stupidest thing you have ever done?: 

Boy howdy that’s a long dark road to potentially go down so let’s have three lesser stupids instead of my sincere regrets:

--I got a virus when I was 15 and someone hacked my comp saying that if I didn’t give him my Neopets password he’d delete all my shit and I didn’t disconnect but instead made fun of him in whatever janky chat thing he installed because I didn’t think he could do it (he could) (funny in retrospect except I’m still pissed over losing all of my progress on the RM2K game I was making at the time) --When I was but an amateur stoner I didn’t realize my body would lie to me about how much it could actually eat and I ingested so, so many cashews and then staggered into the bathroom and de-ingested them violently while my dumbass brain went “haha whoops” --In Hawaii I fell on the sidewalk, completely erased the skin on my knee, terrified a family of Asian tourists by trying to patch up my profuse bleeding while the wind blew my hastily-bought medkit down the road, and spent two months nursing the two-inch-square wound it left behind.  I have related this before.  I have not related that the entire reason I tripped was I noticed a small dog on the other side of the street and got so excited I forgot how to walk.

I tag uhhhhh @thegrinningcrow, @qglas, @sugarburger, @machi-tobaye, @melancthe, @squid-ichorous, @panur, @i-like-too-many-boys, and @clumsyshark, but I would happily read responses from absolutely anyone, just tag me back please!