#I started this back when I was doing the 2007 one and I’m so glad I got up to the line art finished because I had no time for art this week

[seagull-scribbles]

They’re out of time (cancelled)

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[alizalayne]

books of year ‘23, but only the ones that weren’t rereads and that I had something to say about. Text is written out below the cut. Please recommend books to me!!

Scales and Sensibility by Stephanie Burgis

when i saw this being recommended to me on scribd i sent it to my friends along with the word YESSSSSSSSS about 80 times. This has palpable Diana Wynne Jones insanity which is very exciting to me. The romantic lead is so boring but he’s not important; what’s important is the main character’s batshit physical transformation and its consequences. This book also triggered a personal ephiphany that i’d been setting myself up for for years, which is a little bit happenstance but I’m glad it happened while listening to this as an audiobook on a hike.

___

Lonely Castle in the Mirror by Mizuki Tsujimura

I’ve read a few books with a similar tone and goals but most of them do not feel as sincere, or they get preachy in a way this does not. I am a massive sucker for narratives about going and coming back to magical worlds (pre-isekai boom), like coville’s unicorn chronicles or barker’s abarat. they’re the most effective to me when they do what this is doing: telling an empathetic human story. One thing I really appreciate about this book as a mental illness narrative for younger people is its willingness to tackle the idea that someone’s terrified inner voice can be incorrect, or it can reflect reality accurately— some people do have a reason to be excessively scared. I think there’s a tendency when tackling this concept, especially for child readers, to tell them that their anxieties are silly and illogical, that of course no one is trying to hurt them. But that’s not always true. I appreciate that this story is able to question the main character’s assumptions about other people’s evil intentions while not questioning that her feeling of fear is real, while simultaneously acknowledging that similar pain is felt by kids going through abuse. I think I would have preferred a smaller cast or a longer book with more exploration of the other kids.

___

Earthlings: A Novel by Sayaka Murata

another very empathetic mental illness book, but much more disturbing. the main character’s worldview is alluring because the narrative paints reality in such a bleak way. If it didn’t force a sense of perspective on you, it could be a document that starts a cult. It’s very accurate to some experiences that I have had and things i have heard people say while in dangerous situations that involve religious behavior.

It’s very difficult to challenge the type of thinking this explores because each brick that builds a wall between someone’s mind and the rest of reality can seem like a reasonable brick. but when you look at the whole wall you can’t understand how such small and normal things as bricks could seal someone up inside and swallow them. This does a good job of showing you its challenge without being cruel. I’m glad I read it.

___

What Once Was Mine: A Twisted Tale by Elizabeth J. Braswell

official goth retelling of disney’s tangled, I had to see what was going on in there but it was pretty boring, worth the $0 price of library admission for rapunzel having evil moon hair that fucking kills you

___

Cutting Teeth by Chandler Baker

NO EXPLANATION FOR WHY THE TODDLERS STARTED TO CRAVE BLOOD. WAS HOPING DRACULA WAS BURIED UNDER THE PRESCHOOL BUT NOBODY LETS ME HAVE ANYTHING AROUND HERE

___

Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn

I’d never read this before. Soooooo fun

fucking GET HIMMMMMM GIRLLLLL YESSSSSSSS!!!!! KILL!!!!!!!!!!!!

___

Declamation on the Nobility and Preeminence of the Female Sex by Henricus Cornelius Agrippa, edited by Albert Rabil Jr. 2007 edition

I cannot recommend this text enough if you are insane like me in pain like me (english literature major). Imagine that you are the princess of Austria and you’re bored of mummifying your husband’s heart and you decide to buy the man who would become arguably the world’s most famous wizard. this happened in real life. And what he decided to do was kiss her ass with his entire mouth. To that end, he wrote a torturously funny ted talk about how god made women better than men. Here are some reasons: women don’t drown in water because they’re fatter than men, but when women DO drown they do it face down so no one will see their boobs. Menstrual blood cures epilepsy and depression and can extinguish fires (????). all eagles are female (?????) and god created women last so he had tons of practice by then. This is the holy grail of bitchy footnotes. So many of these are just “he made this up”. It’s so fun!! And it’s helpful to remember that people have always been making shit up.

___

honorable mention: I read through the letters of Saint Hildegard of Bingen and I have to recommend this to everyone alive. I think she was in lesbian love so hard that that’s why she she wrote that shitty letter to the pope. but what do i know. she is also about 80% of the reason we know anything of what medieval medical knowledge was among women in europe. She also documented a ton of natural science.

___

The Crone Wars by Lydia M. Hawke

Now i have to admit i didn’t read all these. I did read the first one but this author’s priorities just don’t really align with mine, since these are ultimately straight romance novels. However, I wanted to show how long the series goes and what the titles are because I think they’re really fun. It was very cool to see what YA sensibilities look like with a 60 year old protagonist. This main character really reminded me of Usagi from Sailor Moon, which as a massive freak about sailor moon is not something I give out lightly, and I kept imagining events from this book as drawn by Riyoko Ikeda. After spending a little time with it, the manga panels just sort of happened in my mind and i recommend the experience. I do still want to draw some scenes from it sometime.

[dgknightblue]

Scenario:

The turtles crossover <3 and they have a simulator that will recreate one of their enemies. They all have to fight their version of that enemy, so it has to be one they all have.

The first they try out is Stockman/ Stockboy because he’s easy. God they all laughed at that.

It was difficult to find an enemy that all of them each have. They were all in the simulator and so they decided to fight their shredders (rise and either 2007 or 2012 tried to reject this).

Right off the bat, a few were slammed into walls by Rise shredder. God Rise Shredder and 2012 Mutated Shredder were horrible.

“Grandpa! That is no way to treat your family. Now come here for a hug <3”, rise Mikey teased.

They then teamed up with 19(89??/ 87???) to wail on him.

They take a break from the exercise to eat.

“That was crazy! And what was that about calling Shredder grandpa?”

“He was our great x8 grandfather! He was tricked into wearing demonic armor and became the shredder who was sealed a way 500+ years ago.”

“His soul is free now and living it up with our gram gram, who was his daughter. She created the Hamato clan.”

“Wow…I’m glad to hear. He was a tough cookie.”

They talked about some of their villains.

“Okay so do you guys have a bebop and rocksteady?”

“Nope! But we do have a Todd. He’s not a villain but they were his friends. Like Meatsweats, who tried to eat us. I’m his biggest fan.”

“…what?”

“He use to be a famous chef that would destroy the dreams of every chef that entered his kitchen.”

“Now he just tries to cook and eat any mutant he thinks would taste good. He has some good recipes for turtles.”

They go quiet for a moment as they eat their pizza. A Mikey leans towards a Raph.

“Remind me not to look particularly tasty.”

“Duty noted.”

They go back to the simulator. They decided to try Karai. After all, in most versions she was on the other side most of the time. Rise said nothing because they wanted to see her again.

Since it was a simulator, Karai would only act based on the turtles memory of her. 2012 Karai wouldn’t go for the kill.

Rise Karai… she stood there. She smiled and held her arms out. The rise boys ran to her. They hugged her and cried.

“Gram gram…. I’m sorry… we failed you…. You shouldn’t have died!”, they still felt guilty.

“Anata wa hitori janai.”

Rise smiled at her and they all let go. She fought with them. 2012 Leo was going through a crisis when he he saw them.

Rise Karai gets 2012 Karai on their side.

Eventually, they stopped for a moment so that the rise boys had time to clear the tears. 2007 talked to them for a moment. Once they gave the go a head, they decided to fight a simulation of foot soldiers.

They all laughed at the paper foot. Buddy was among the crowd and hugged all the Raph’s he could.

“This is Raph’s best friend and sparring partner! Buddy!”

“Awe he’s so cute!”

The robot foot were something. The other feet were notable too in some way.

Of course there was the foot leaders too.

“Why are their heads on fire?”

“I don’t know.”

“Whose the girl being Mikey and Donnie with a metal stick?”

“Casey.”

“That’s Casey jones??? Why is she with the foot?”

“She grew up that way. Pretty sure the foot leaders were her dads before…they died.”

“Is she still?”

“Well someone has to lead the newly changed sister clan. Since she was part of the main branch, she tasked Jr with assimilating the secondary branch members all over the globe. Of course there are splinter cells that don’t agree with the change but…”

“Well there is no more shredder after all.”

“Whose Jr?”

“Casey.”

“What?”

“Ah we have two Casey’s. Cassandra Jones or Casey Sr and Casey Jones Jr.”

“We just call him Jr.”

“She looks a round your age…”

“He’s from the future.”

“Oh.”

“Guys please, she isn’t slowing down at all!”

They forgot she was still beating them with a metal stick while they were talking.

“We should do something about that huh?”

“Probably.”

They watch a little longer. Okay so a Mikey started crying so they finally walked over to pick her up.

“Cass! That’s enough, they yield!”

“I crave violence cousin!” (I would have said brother but she is so their cousin)

“Regardless.”

Simulation change once more. This one gave a noticeable tone shift for the Rise crew. Like this is life or death.

The Kraang… rise Kraang made someone wet themself (or they say as a joke).

This is the most serious they have ever seen the rise crew and they don’t like it. Rise forgets it’s a simulation.

“I will stop you!”, Leo grits his teeth and glares.

The Kraang mocks him and it circles him.

“What ever it takes, EVEN IF THAT MEANS I HAVE TO DIE!”, he snarls before launching himself with teleportation.

They don’t crack a joke and fight with everything they have. They get the floor wiped with them.

They get back up. They get beat again. They get back up. The Utrom get knocked out and the other Kraang squished.

The other turtles are trying to fight sister Kraang but nearly die. (I like thinking brother Kraang is confirmed dead.)

Everyone but Leo managed to get knocked out. He gets back up again.

“Your persistence is futile. I will beat you will an inch of your life and have you barely cling to life just to make you watch your pathetic world crumble under the rule of the Kraang.”

He punches Leo a few times. The others try to help- but they can’t do anything.

“Yield to the Kraang!”

Leo coughs up blood. He escapes. The Kraang follow. They fight more. Leo was much better than he was when he fought the Kraang.

Leo had a plan for the debris. He will have the Kraang fall onto two spike shaped debris. Leo following after him.

“Little Leo no!”

The simulation stops before anyone sees him make contact with the protruding metal. Leo falls onto the ground.

His family looks him over before he gets slapped in the face by a slipper.

“What did we talk about when it comes to devaluing your life?”

“Not to…”

“That’s right. No more simulations for you.”

Bonus:

On a lighter note:

“Hey… you guys want to see Leo’s best friend?”

“Sure!”

They see Usagi. Rise Leo looks at them and giggle.

“Wow, your boyfriend is cute!”

“What? No no! He- he’s just a friend I promise!”

“Really? Aw… I was hoping I had a chance with mine…”

“Well just because he is in complete denial doesn’t mean you’d fail.”

“I don’t know…”

Leo goes on to explain how Usagi isn’t interested in him (also casually saying Usagi kissed him- which the others pick up on) and that he will never go out with him and he accepts that.

The turtles that were with rise Leo thinks he’s been lead on. That is not the case.

“Oh! Man I remember that one time I was invited to a new friends wedding. I caught the bouquet. Dream come true. Until the other guests wanted the bouquet. Usagi helped me run a way.”

“Uh have you told him that you-?”

“Oh several times, but he keeps ignoring it. For a while I thought that him kissing me meant that he liked me but now I am not sure.”

There was a pause.

“However I am not going to say no to any kind of affection from him <3”

“That doesn’t sound healthy….”

“What can you do? When your me? Haha”

Two weeks later and someone walks in to see Leo sitting on Usagi’s lap. Oh wow, Usagi can run.

“I don’t know what happened. One second Usagi was talking about his day and the next second a weapon was sent his way.”

———

[total-drama-takes-takes-2]

tti episode 25 - version 2

“For the past eight weeks, you have been watching Fren, Joner, Peter, Kitty, Mal, O, Sha-Mod, Frollo, Caesar, Austin, Scruffy, Kelly, Courtney, Scary, Max, Staci, Patrick, Bonnie, Ass, and Julia compete in the most heinous, disgusting, dangerous challenges reality TV has seen since 2007. You have watched them laugh, cry, love and receive various injuries, and it’s all come down to this! Two campers remain, and by sundown, only one will be left standing! That winner will go home with a check for one million dollars and the pride of having survived this crummy camp. Our two final campers are about to fight it out in a battle of the exes here on Total! Takes! Island!”

“Welcome back to the island. It's been a grueling past two months for our finalists, so we asked them to record their thoughts before the final challenge,” Chris smiles, pacing around the currently-empty mess hall. 

---

MCLOVIN: “I guess I had a good time. I made a lot of new friends,”

---

MICHAEL: “Now people hate my existence and want to kill me! Great job at making new friends, Michela!"

---

MCLOVIN: “I’m not too surprised I made it this far. It’s like my mom always says, a positive attitude can get you anywhere!”

---

MICHAEL: “I’m honestly shocked I haven’t given up yet. I mean, I was so sure I’d be a mid-season boot and now I’m a finalist!”

---

MCLOVIN: “The food? It was okay... when it wasn’t trying to kill me,”

---

MICHAEL: “Don’t even get me started on the supposed “food” we had to eat. It’d probably be inhumane to serve that stuff to dogs,”

---

MCLOVIN: “The rats in the kitchen wouldn’t even touch it,”

---

MICHAEL: “And the people?”

---

MCLOVIN: “The people were awesome! Sure, there were some fights, but I’ve never met so many amazing friends than on this island!”

---

MICHAEL: “-a bunch of lazy, stubborn, self-centered jerks who only cared about themselves,”

---

MCLOVIN: “Sha-Mod and I share a psychic bond! We’re soulmates- bromates! I meant bromates!”

---

MICHAEL: “Max is probably one of the most stubborn, rude, unapologetically mean people I’ve ever met, and… I am so glad I met him. I couldn’t have asked for anyone better.”

---

MCLOVIN: “Courtney has the coolest hair ever, Julia is super smart…”

---

MICHAEL: “I guess that’s about it, really,”

---

MCLOVIN: “What will I be remembered for?” he pauses to think. “My personality!”

---

MICHAEL: “Um… my hair?”

---

MCLOVIN: “Or maybe these!” he stands on the toilet and stomps, his light-up Sketchers blinking.

---

Chris leaves the mess hall after announcing the final curtain call will be in thirty minutes. Michael sighs and slumps forward. 

“What’s the matter?” McLovin asks, spooning their final crummy camp meal. 

“I guess I’m just kind of disappointed I didn’t accomplish anything I came here for,” 

“What do you mean? We did lots of awesome stuff and met tons of awesome people!”

“No,” Michael frowns at him. “You did tons of awesome stuff and met tons of awesome people. I just made a bunch of enemies and humiliated myself on national television hundreds of times.”

McLovin’s smile drops and he looks at her. “That’s kind of a depressing way to look at it,”

“That’s reality, dude,”

A silence falls over the two McLovin sighs. 

“Do you think anything’s gonna be the same after we go home?”

“Honestly? Not at all. I just don’t know if I can stay friends with you and Joner after everything. I’ll be alone, but maybe that won't be such a bad thing,” she says, kicking back and putting her feet on the table. “I’ll be putting myself first for once, anyway.”

“Well… I kinda understand. If that’s what you want, then that’s cool. I respect that,” McLovin says, saluting her. “I just wish we could’ve made up.”

“Sometimes that’s too much to ask. I wish you would’ve shown you’ve changed instead of just apologizing,” she stands, leaving her bowl behind half-empty and her former friend with a contemplative look on his face.

---

“Alright, campers!” Chris says, leading the two between a pair of wooden bleachers out in the forest. Michael and McLovin can see a track extending into the woods, and both know without saying that that’s where they’re heading next. “Time to welcome back the twenty losers who did not make it here with you today!”

The former competitors walk from the docks. McLovin waves to his friends, who merrily wave back. No one even looks at Michael as they pass to the bleachers. 

“Everyone who is not competing, please take a seat in the peanut gallery of failure! The side you choose should represent who you’re rooting for in the finale,” Chris says, directing the crowd to the bleachers behind him. Each has a large banner with either contestant's face on it. 

Sha-Mod and Courtney are the first to sit on McLovin’s side, followed shortly by just about everyone else. Only one person is sitting in Michael’s gallery. 

Max waves from the empty bleachers. Michael smiles and waves back. 

“Okay, a little surprising, but wow,” Chris says. “Can we get a few more volunteers to pity-join? Makes it more suspenseful.”

“Come on, guys!” McLovin yells to his supporters. “Michael is really… cool and nice and stuff!”

A few contestants raise eyebrows. He sighs. “Staci, Scruffy- um, the tall one- Peter, Kelly,”

Much to their annoyance (and McLovin’s surprise at having people actually listen to him) all of the selected losers get up and move without complaint. Michael rolls her eyes, but she still gives McLovin a slightly grateful look. 

Max hops down from the bleachers and runs over to her, ducking under Chef before he can stop him. “You got this, okay?” he says, holding her hands. 

Chris rolls his eyes and jabs a thumb in their direction, sending Chef over to collect him. Chef grabs Max by the back of his collar and drags him back to the stands. “I believe in you!” he yells before he’s promptly sat down. 

Frollo sits in the middle space between the bleachers on the ground, eternally reading his Bible. 

Chris walks over. “Um, dude, you gotta pick a side,”

He rolls his eyes. “Both of these players are sinners, and-”

Chef walks over, picks him up, and tosses him onto Michael’s side, the few losers already there ducking to avoid him as he shrieks and flies across the screen. 

“Go, MC!” Courtney shouts. 

“Yeah, go support the endless cog of capitalism!” Ass says sarcastically. Courtney smacks them upside the head. 

“McLovin, this is your chance to tell the peanut gallery what you would do with the money if you won,” Chris says, pointing at him. He smiles. 

“I’ve had a lot of time to think about it, and I finally chose just two things I’d want to do with the money,” he says. “First, I’d save half of it for art school and my future living expenses.”

Joner and Michael both raise an eyebrow. 

“And then with everything I have left, I would give everyone who competed on this show an even portion of the money. Including Michael!” 

Everyone aws at that, and everyone on Michael’s side aside from Max silently gets up and walks back over to McLovin’s. Even Frollo’s unconscious body slumps off the stands and rolls over to the other bleachers. Max groans and smacks his forehead. 

“Michael?”

“I would probably save most of it in a secure bank account for my future. And maybe get new skates,”

Everyone stares at her blankly. She sighs. 

“Alright, it’s time for the final challenge: the rejected Olympic relay race!” Chris shouts. “There are three parts: first, each of you has to put on one of these,” he smiles, holding a chicken hat in his right hand and a cow hat in his left. He hands one to each. “Dressed in your very special uniforms, you will run to the first location and shimmy up the pole to grab your flag. Next, you’ll cross a 300m balance beam suspended across a massive gorge while carrying an eagles egg. After is a long distance run back to this location. Whoever gets here first wins!”

The peanut galleries cheer as Michael and McLovin look at each other. 

“Good luck,” he says, adjusting his chicken hat. “You deserve to win.”

Michael stares. “I don’t need your pity,”

“Go, McLovin!” Sha-Mod shouts from the stands. 

“Kick her ass, MC!” Julia yells before a large rock from Michael’s bleachers hits her in the back of the head. She slumps onto Scruffy in the row below, unconscious. 

“Anyone else?!” Max yells from offscreen. 

“Ready!” Chris shouts, waving around a checkered flag. “Set? Go!”

McLovin and Michael start off, the latter in the lead. Michael reaches the flagpole first and takes a leaping jump to the base, scaling it with ease. 

The pencil arrives next and attempts to inch his way up the pole like a worm. “Use your freakishly long limbs!” Ass yells from the stands, still dizzy from Courtney's blow. 

McLovin whimpers and extends his arms higher, grabbing the flag at the same time Michael hops off. 

“How do I get down?!” he yells. 

“Figure it out! You got this!” Courtney yells back. 

McLovin frowns and jumps down, landing on his butt. The crowd winces. 

“Get up, dude!” Sha-Mod yells. “She’s not far ahead!”

Michael approaches the gorge and peers over the edge, where sharks are swimming in the water below the thin, rickety planks of wood. She swallows nervously but runs back around to the eagles nest behind her, grabbing an egg and hiding it in her parka before she begins to cross. 

McLovin follows, snatching an egg and holding it above his head while closing his eyes and screaming, running across the thin plank of wood. 

“You might wanna look where you’re going, dude!” Chris shouts. “Those eggs weren’t for nothing!”

A few campers catch up to the players, stopping behind Chris and looking around the skies nervously. 

Scruffy yells from the edge of the gorge. “McLovin, there are eagles! Huge eagles! And-” another rock hits them square in the temple and they fall backwards. Max tosses another stone from one hand to the other while glaring at the other losers. 

“What did they mean by-” Michael starts before a massive eagle swoops down and lunges for McLovin's exposed egg, talons extended. 

He barely manages to duck, but is thrown off-balance and wobbles around on one foot. The peanut gallery (now on their feet) gasps and watches in terror as he falls to his butt on the plank, but manages to keep himself out of the shark infested waters. 

Michael reaches the other side, pulling the egg out of its hiding place and setting in the nest on stable ground. She starts running again, McLovin (still shaking) not far behind. 

The track takes the two right through camp. “Almost there!” Max yells, one of the campers running behind the contestants. 

“Come on, MC, you got this!” Sha-Mod shouts, a few steps behind Max. “This part is the easiest!”

As he says that, McLovin steps over a suspiciously elevated dirt mound and a huge explosion lets off behind him. 

“What was that?!” Michael shouts as another explosion sounds. 

“Oh, yeah, we had some leftover landmines!” Chris shouts into his megaphone from a safe distance. “Enjoy!”

“Jerk!” Michael snaps, narrowly dodging another massive landmine explosion that takes out the confessional booth.

"Watch out!" McLovin yells, pointing out various lumps of dirt ahead of her.

"I don't need your help!" she snaps back. "I'm not your pity case!"

"What is it gonna take for you to forgive me?!"

"Move. ON!" she shouts, speeding up ahead and jumping over every landmine visible. Another one explodes, sending McLovin backwards.

He screams in terror, covering his eyes and running blindly when he gets up. 

“Get a grip!” Ass yells from behind. “Stop being such a coward!”

“No!” he shouts back. 

Scary scoffs. “Why don’t you just let her win then, nice guy?!”

McLovin frowns and whimpers, standing and stumbling forward. "I can do this!" he affirms himself, a few cheers sounding from the sidelines.

He runs up to Michael, shoving her out of the way as the finish line comes into sight. She falls on her butt and yelps.

"This is pointless!" she yells, refusing to stand. "Who even cares!"

A voice from the sidelines sounds out. "Chel!"

She turns. "Max?"

He waves from off the course, avoiding the landmine-covered track. "You can't give up! Remember what I told you! You didn't come here to make friends!"

Michael sighs. She closes her eyes and stands shakily, clenching her fists. "I want to win,"

"More enthusiasm!"

"I want to win!" she starts off running.

"Yes!"

"I WANT TO WIN!" she yells, catching up to McLovin and shoving him.

"There's my girl!"

His thin body shudders like a piece of paper in the wind and he flies backwards from the force of the push as she crosses the finish line seconds before him.

The peanut gallery cheers, abandoning McLovin on the dirt trail and surrounding Michael.

Max forces everyone in the crowd out of the way, throwing his arms around her and kissing her. The peanut gallery oohs and he glares.

"Mind your own business!"

"And Michael is the winner of Total Takes Island!" Chris says, walking over with a huge check. "Congratulations, camper!"

Chef nods. "Could've seen that one coming,"

Sha-Mod manages to squeeze through the crowd and run over to McLovin, still flat on the ground. He helps him up and hugs him.

"You did good!"

"Yeah, but not good enough," McLovin coughs, wiping the dirt off his pants.

Sha-Mod shrugs. "So? We'll have to work a little harder for our dream house. But we're still getting one, there's no way I'm giving up on a mansion with my boyfriend,"

McLovin blushes and looks over. “Did you mean bromate? Cause I made the same-”

“Nah,” Sha-Mod says, leaning on McLovin’s shoulder. “Bromate’s platonic.”

The crowd continues stirring with excitement as Michael walks past, hand-in-hand with Max. She smiles and gives one last wave to McLovin, who waves back, before the two part ways. 

---

“Here we are at the last TTI bonfire ceremony ever,” Chris says, smiling at the entire cast as they sit around the pit. “After eight brutal weeks of torture, infections, and drama, our season winner is Michael!”

The campers cheer, congratulating Michael as she sits near the center of the group, Max leaning his head on her shoulder.

“Michael, the final marshmallow,” Chris grins, tossing her the treat. She catches it and smiles. “A symbol of prosperity. Treasure it for the rest of your life.”

“Sure," she says, tossing it into the fire seconds later. Max laughs.

The crowd returns to talking amongst each other as Chef comes out of the mess hall with more marshmallows, chocolate and graham crackers for s'mores.

“I don't think I did so bad for last place,” Fren says, kicking back. 

Staci (now bleach blonde, thanks to Kelly’s handiwork) shrugs as she sits between their two friends. “You survived, at least,”

“And we got a right groovy finale, baby!” Austin says, patting her on the back. “Great season, baby!”

“Thank you, Austin,” Chris says smugly. “And to all you viewers at home- thank you for supporting us here at Total Takes Island! We all hope you had a good time watching these teens fight to the death, and we can’t wait to see you next season!”

Everyone turns to him. “NEXT SEASON?!”

[fandomanimatic-tournament]

Fandom song animatic tournament: Bracket 2 Side B

Pad Thai - Jack Stauber

"Maddening, it's a regular bad thing! Pad Thai, I'm a normal guy! Saddening, nothing's really happening! That's right, take a big bite!"

How Far We've Come - Matchbox 20

"But I believe the world is burning to the ground Oh well, I guess we're gonna find out Let's see how far we've come Let's see how far we've come"

Remember that we're voting on how Iconic they are for ANIMATICS, not for the song itself. In order to make things fair, the tone and mood of the song should not affect how iconic it is (for example, a serious song should not be considered more iconic than a joke song just because it's serious)

Propaganda and animatic links of the songs under the cut:

Pad Thai - Jack Stauber

Propaganda:

No Written Propaganda Submitted

Animatics with the song:

Helluva Boss

OMORI

Toilet-Bound Hanako-kun mitsukou

TGCF

DSMP

How Far We've Come - Matchbox 20

Propaganda:

Aside from two of my favourite ever animatics being to this (Homestuck and Hermitcraft 8) it’s such a fandom song (genuinely up there with soldier poet king in the “oh my god it’s just like my d&d party” vibe). So many stories are about averting an apocalypse or some other looming threat “I’m waking up at the start of the end of the world” and the whole song is about reflecting back on your life and that of the world around you. It’s perfect for a climatic buildup to the end of a campaign or series finale, or a summary of an entire work. “Say your goodbyes if you’ve got someone you can say goodbye to” is perfect for drawing ships or friends or siblings to, with maybe one solitary person at the end. The percussion and guitar also make it very suited to animatics - there’s perfect parts in the music to switch between frames or scenes. It’s been around since 2007 so it’s nostalgic and from the peak of amvs and animatics. Please this song fucks so hard look at all the lyrics listen to it on loop it’s so quintessential to me

the DRAMA. the STORY. the EMOTIONS. this is a song for an animatic that covers character growth and major plot points, and it does it so well! if i am invested in the fandom and watch a how far we've come animatic i already know it will change me as a person

Dude. It makes the heart swell with emotion and pride at wow these characters sure have come far

It's the OG. I don't even know if homestuck started its popularity in the animatic scene but it was huge and it remains huge. From TAZ to (apparently, from a quick youtube search) hermitcraft, this song will tear at people's heartstrings as they think about blorbos the band has can't even imagine.

this song makes me so emotional ok? i know lots of fandoms use it but the ones that stuck with me are warrior cats, hermitcraft and of course homestuck. sorry for the cringe but im glad to be free. anyways this is THE song for anything that has either ended or had a large amount of time pass and also its just a really fucking good song on its own.

Animatics with the song:

Hermitcraft

The Adventure Zone

DSMP

Last Life SMP

Homestuck

Please be cautious and read the title, description and warning cards on the animatic videos if you decide to watch them. If you've got specific triggers I'd recommend even more caution when watching animatics of fandoms you don't know, since sometimes canon-typical themes don't get warnings.

Please keep in mind that I don't know all the media and fandoms of the animatics provided as examples and I don't have the time (nor the will) to research them all. Don't come into my notes or my ask box complaining about them being included, I will simply block you. If a ship animatic included is about an adult and a minor, do tell me and I'll take it out of the post

ALSO keep in mind that I don't know all the artists submitted; in fact, even if I do know them I do not know absolutely nothing about them as people (I do not have twitter nor tiktok) and I could not POSSIBLY have the time to research ALL of the artists' controversies and what came of them so PLEASE don't flood my inbox with the artists' entire crime list.

[solarpunkpresentspodcast]

Climate change is a mental health issue

And part of a solarpunk present…

Content warning: this article briefly talks about depression, suicide, and self-harm

In the course of researching for my thesis, I read a lot of things: scholarly books, articles, essays… but also lots of pulpy science fiction (of course), and also a lot of recent online articles (usually news or journalism) about climate change and its effects.

The recent essays and articles that I read had a fascinating overlap: they were talking about climate, but they were also talking about mental health. Mental health issues such as depression and anxiety are a natural corollary of experiencing the climate changing.

(I have my own thoughts about how that leads to the very concept of the climate, or the environment more broadly, being a mental untouchable or taboo topic, that many peoples’ thoughts automatically shy away from; a way that their minds are helping to insulate and protect them from a negative psychosomatic experience. Thus, why it can be so difficult for many to address climate change because our very minds are refusing to allow us to face the scary thing directly, because it kicks up such a strong instinctual fight/flight/freeze response. But, this is a tangent, and one I am extremely underqualified to take. Someone call in some psychologists…)

Back in 2005, philosopher Glenn Albrecht coined the term “solastalgia”, which is a neologism that, according to the author in a 2007 article for PubMed, operates

As opposed to nostalgia--the melancholia or homesickness experienced by individuals when separated from a loved home--solastalgia is the distress that is produced by environmental change impacting on people while they are directly connected to their home environment.

When I started researching (only 8 years ago!), this was one of the only publicly accessible and known terms (in English) outside of a specific niche of (western) academia to describe this phenomenon of the way that climate change can be pretty entwined with significant mental health issues.

Albrecht is Australian. He used the examples of open-pit coal mining, or deforestation. In the almost twenty years since that publication, I think the global community can add phenomena such as catastrophic wildfires, persistent and ruinous sea-level rise, tailing ponds spillage, industrial water poisoning, widespread drought, melting permafrost, century floods, and more to that list.

This is part of why I was so keen to do an interview about climate grief chaplaincy, which I had never heard of before. Even now, only two years later, therapists and psychologists are starting to advertise climate-focused services. On the one hand, I am so very glad that assistance is being offered to those who need it. On the other, I’m big mad about how, yet again, the issue of climate change is being framed as an individual problem.

At least chaplaincy is very conscious of community—as Gabrielle explains in the episode, there is a strong tradition of movement chaplaincy among activist groups in the so-called United States that is tuned into a more collective experience and casts climate change in that light (more appropriately, I feel).

Solarpunk’s dream of a just, sustainable future isn’t solely for bodies. There’s an aspect of being human - our mind, our mental health, our intangible selves, our spirit, what some would call our soul - that merits careful attention as well. I imagine that any community that is truly solarpunk pays just as much attention to what cannot be quantified about the human experience as what can be.

And if we are to have a hope of attaining that care-ful attention to the human being as a whole, it would behoove us to begin practicing thinking about, caring for, and paying attention to that aspect of our selves in the present day.

One way to do this would be for any climate journalism, going forward, to include links and references to local climate helplines, actions, and groups as relevant to the discussion in the article, in the same way that articles dealing with suicide, self-harm, depression, and other extremely difficult topics are already doing.

Realizing the mental toll that a swiftly-changing-for-the-worse climate has on readers, especially young people, is to my mind a journalistic duty of care. It has been shown many times that an important mitigating factor of climate anxiety and climate grief is the chance afforded to do something, to act on the knowledge that the reader has just learned. Another huge mitigating factor is not feeling alone in the face of overwhelming odds and at the mercy of negative feelings.

In the midst of my studying, I began to volunteer at my local food bank, for example. Being in the community and having a tangible way to help other humans (and knowing that I was helping to ease their burdens of anxiety and stress, as well as cope with the food shortages induced by climate change and lend a hand to an organization struggling to help its members) was extremely helpful in mitigating my own dark night of the soul of post-apocalyptic despair and grief in that moment.

Did it solve everything? Nope. Did it make my climate anxiety disappear? Not a chance. But it helped ease it generally, and for four hours a week it banished my anxieties around the climate almost completely; in my experience, it’s hard to feel shitty when I’m not afforded the luxury of dread, but instead am in the midst of facing (a corner of) the issue head-on.

I discovered solarpunk on Tumblr back in the twenty-teens, and I was hooked. Part of why I like solarpunk so much is the emphasis on doing what you can, when you can, to make things better now - even if it’s just the corner of the neighbourhood you live in. The effect on mental health of even just picking up litter can be tremendous. Another reason I’m such a fan of solarpunk is that it is a shared experience, one where terms like ‘climate grief’ and ‘climate anxiety’ aren’t up for debate but instead are nuanced and treated seriously, and it is a diverse community to be part of, one that continually evolves and changes and isn’t afraid to have difficult conversations, respectuflly. Access to feeling better in the face of the denial and despair of the Anthropocene should be available to everyone, no matter where they are or who they are.

What do you do to mitigate your own negative climate emotions? I’m no longer able to volunteer at that food bank (I moved, and now I can’t lift things for health reasons, it’s a whole thing…), but I’m part of my local community garden, which helps to mitigate food scarcity and improve neighbourhood resiliency and community. Tell me what you get up to, or hope to get up to in future!

[dustedmagazine]

Ian Mathers’ 2022: Are you with me even now?

For the third year in a row, Low are part of my reflection on the year that just happened. But this time I don’t want them to be. They didn’t put out a record, I didn’t see them play live (virtually or not) even once. I don’t really want to spend a ton of time going over Mimi Parker’s death and the reactions to it (including my own); I can say this is the one time ever in my life that mourning an artist whose work I love felt anything at all like mourning someone I actually knew. For at least a month I thought about it all the time, read about it constantly, watched and listened to everything I could get my hands on, talked about it often. It felt ridiculous and necessary. I don’t know what happens with my favorite band now; I mainly just hope her family and other loved ones are doing as ok as possible. One wonderful and horrible thing about the reactions is that they were both more numerous and more heartfelt than I would have guessed; up until a few years ago running into other fans of their work felt a lot more rare. 30 years into what I personally think stacks up as one of the greatest creative runs in all of popular music (I’ve been ringing the bell about Low doing better, more vital and interesting work than other bands [x] years into their career since… 2007’s The Great Destroyer at least), I’m glad that people were noticing what they did. The bittersweetness of that, that at least by the end Low were a lot more widely and deeply loved than I would have guessed... I hope she knew that too. How many artists have passed before they made their Double Negative and HEY WHAT? We can never really know the extent of what the world misses out on when someone dies.

Other than that horrible pall weighing down the end of the year, though, at least on the small scale 2022 was pretty good to me. The world in general continues to feel more and more fraught (here in Canada too!) and we’re still not properly dealing with a pandemic. With us being an immunocompromised household… when you see people talking about leaving behind the chronically ill, it absolutely includes those of us who, pre-COVID, nobody could tell weren’t “normal” or “healthy.” I did get to a very few shows this year, masked. But mostly this was a third year in a row of just… never going out or doing most of the things we used to do. Both my wife and I switched jobs to positions that are both much more satisfying and important to us and, not incidentally, quite a bit better paying. By the end of 2022 we’ve hit the first time in our adult lives where (despite how little it would take to knock us back down) we’re not experiencing constant financial stress.

I could have guessed this would change my relationship with music, but honestly, would have underestimated the degree to which that would be true. I’m happier with my writing this year, both frequency and end result, although there’s always more work to do on those fronts. And without feeling like I was trying very hard to do so, I somehow listened to 170 new LPs and EPs over the course of the year. And I found a lot to like, too: my 2022 playlist in Swinsian (which I tried out and then switched to when the Apple Music program started having weird glitches and hours of tech support couldn’t help at all) currently has a little over 1000 tracks in it, equaling over 3 days of music. There’s still a near-infinite amount of stuff out there I’ve never touched or even heard of. But more than ever, it feels like I covered my particularly bailiwick(s) as thoroughly as could be expected of someone who still has a day job and relatively normal life.

This increased volume of input doesn’t necessarily make me think 2022 was a better (or worse!) year for music than any other, but it does lead to a list of records that I feel more strongly about. There are plenty of good records I am keeping in full that just didn’t make it onto my list(s), especially since I’m sticking with a top 40 like I did in 2021. In years where I’ve ‘only’ managed to check out 80-90 records, even a top 20 often covers just about everything I’ve solidly enjoyed from the year. In 2022, 40 records isn’t even half of that group. It has made me reflect a bit on just how sustainable this all is — do I just keep accumulating dozens of records I love every year I’m here? How often am I going to go back to any of them? And sure enough, one thing all this new listening has done has drastically slowed progress on my now years-long effort to corral and organize my existing collection. But I do feel strongly enough about what I loved this year, both from existing favorites and acts totally new to me, that I’m probably just going to kick those cans a little further down the road. I’m also mulling over how, if at all, I want to change my listening in the new year, not least because one of the major ways I discover new things ended in 2022 (RIP, The Singles Jukebox).

As I’ve mentioned before in these roundups, I don’t necessarily feel like every year these days I have an “album of the year” (and am generally loathe to try and rank things). This year I can’t decide if I have one or two; Cloakroom’s Dissolution Wave was one of my most anticipated and ever since I first got the promo back in January, I’ve been listening to it very regularly. One of the things I like about music writing (at least the way I do it) is that it forces me to listen to records a lot more than I would even if I otherwise adore them, and at this point I have an almost Pavlovian joy reaction to the beginning of “Lost Meaning.” For a long time, it seemed like it stood alone for me, and I think it still does, but I need to give at least an honorable mention to Let’s Eat Grandma’s Two Ribbons. It didn’t have the immediate impact on me the Cloakroom did, even though that first half, especially, is immediately ingratiating. But over months I found myself going back to it more and more and in another year, I could easily see it having the unquestioned top spot. I’ve seen neither in most year-end stuff, which makes me a bit sad.

So here are the lists; my 40 favorite LPs, followed by 5 EPs, 5 reissues and/or compilations, 5 releases from Aidan Baker (which makes up not even half of the releases from his various projects!), and 20 ‘loose’ songs either from records I liked but who don’t make it into the main list, or where this song was really the only one I liked, or just ones that came out on their own. If all the little extra lists seem like cheating, well, they kind of are. But this was as narrowed down as I could get it. All of the lists are in alphabetical order, and for all but the songs list any links are to where I’ve written about them here at Dusted. For the songs, partly because so many of them do have music videos (and I love music videos), I’ve actually just provided a link to the song on YouTube should you be so moved. Last year I ended by saying I hoped we’d all continue to get better at taking care of ourselves and each other in 2022. On a micro level, I can say that did happen for us, and many of our loved ones. I hope as much as possible it did for you too, and we can all find the strength to keep at it in 2023.

40 LPs

Aarktica — We Will Find the Light

Alvvays — Blue Rev

Aoife O'Donovan — Age of Apathy

Beyoncé — RENAISSANCE

Billow Observatory — Stareside

Black Ox Orkestar — Everything Returns

The Body & OAA — Enemy of Love

Bruno Bavota & Chantal Acda — A Closer Distance

Carly Rae Jepsen — The Loneliest Time

Charli XCX — Crash

Chelsea Jade — Soft Spot

Cloakroom — Dissolution Wave

Earthless — Night Parade of One Hundred Demons

Eric Cheneaux — Say Laura

Esmerine — Everything Was Forever Until It Was No More

Ethel Cain — Preacher’s Daughter

Fujiya & Miyagi — Slight Variations

Hagop Tchaparian — Bolts

Hatchie — Giving the World Away

High Vis — Blending

Horsegirl — Versions of Modern Performance

Hot Chip — Freakout/Release

Jessica Moss — Galaxy Heart

Kali Malone — Living Torch

Let’s Eat Grandma — Two Ribbons

Locrian — New Catastrophism

Loop — Sonancy

loscil — The Sails p.1/p.2

Michael Beharie — Promise

Oneida — Success

Party Dozen — The Real Work

SASAMI — Squeeze

Spiritualized — Everything Was Beautiful

Szun Waves — Earth Patterns

Use Knife — The Shedding of Skin

Vince Staples — RAMONA PARK BROKE MY HEART

Water Damage — Repeater

Wet Leg — Wet Leg

Winged Wheel — No Island

Winter — What Kind of Blue Are You?

5 EPs

Gillian Stone — Spirit Photographs

Greet Death — New Low

Picastro — I’ve Never Met a Stranger

Sun’s Signature — Sun’s Signature

Trauma Ray — Transmissions

5 Reissues/Compilations

Broadcast — Maida Vale Sessions

Laddio Bolocko — '97​-​'99

Les Rallizes Dénudés —’77 LIVE

Prolapse — John Peel session 20.08.94/John Peel session 08.04.97

Wire — Not About to Die

5 Releases From Aidan Baker

Aidan Baker — The Evelyn Tables

Aidan Baker — Tenebrist

Baker Ja Lehtisalo — Crocodile Tears

Nadja — Labyrinthine

Nadja — Nalepa

20 More Songs

Animal Collective — “Prester John”

Boy Harsher ft Lucy - Cooper B. Handy — “Autonomy”

Caroline Polachek — “Billions”

Chappell Roan — “Casual”

Death Cab for Cutie — “I Won’t Give Up on You”

Diatom Deli — “False Alarm”

Duke Deuce ft GloRilla — “Just Say That”

Flume ft Caroline Polachek — “Sirens”

HAAi ft. Jon Hopkins — “Baby, We’re Ascending”

Ibibio Sound Machine — “Protection From Evil”

Miči & Sun-EL Musician — “Respond”

MUNA — “Anything But Me”

Porridge Radio — “Back to the Radio”

Spoon — “Wild”

Steve Lacy — “Bad Habit”

Storefront Church ft Phoebe Bridgers — “Words”

Stromae — “L’enfer”

Sudan Archives — “Selfish Soul”

Yeah Yeah Yeahs ft Perfume Genius — “Spitting Off the Edge of the World”

yeule — “Bites on My Neck”

Ian Mathers

[the-rewatch-rewind]

A day late and a little scratchy but we got there.

Script below the break

Hello and welcome back to The Rewatch Rewind! My name is Jane, and this is the podcast in which I count down my top 40 most frequently rewatched movies in 20 years. If you’re a regular listener, you may have noticed that this week’s episode is a day later than usual, and that’s partly because as you can probably tell I’m a bit sick, so I was trying to wait until my voice sounded better to record, and partly because it felt appropriate to release this episode on a Friday instead of the usual Thursday. So welcome to my late and somewhat scratchy-voiced discussion of number 24 on my list: Disney’s 2003 fantasy comedy Freaky Friday, directed by Mark Waters, written by Heather Hach and Leslie Dixon based on the novel by Mary Rodgers, and starring Jamie Lee Curtis and Lindsay Lohan.

Teenaged musician Anna Coleman (Lindsay Lohan) and her widowed therapist mother Tess (Jamie Lee Curtis) seem to be in constant conflict, fueled partly by their generation gap and partly by Anna’s reluctance to accept Tess’s relationship with her fiancé Ryan (Mark Harmon). Anna’s band is offered an audition that conflicts with Tess and Ryan’s rehearsal dinner, which leads to a heated argument between Anna and Tess at a Chinese restaurant. Overhearing this, the restaurant proprietor’s mother (Lucille Soong) gives them fortune cookies with identical fortunes, causing an earthquake that only the two of them can feel. When they wake up the following morning, Anna and Tess have switched bodies. In trying to live each other’s lives, each finally begins to understand the other.

I feel like I might have seen this movie in theaters, but I don’t actually remember. I do know that it was one of the first DVDs my family got, and I have lots of memories of playing around with the interactive menu and watching the bloopers over and over. I saw the movie once in 2003, so that may have been in a theater, then four times in 2004 and three times in 2005, back when we didn’t own many other DVDs. Then I saw it once each in 2007, 2009, 2011, 2012, 2017, 2018, and 2019, and twice each in 2020 and 2022.

I’ve only seen the 1976 version of Freaky Friday once, and that was in 2006, so I don’t remember much about it. From what I do recall, it’s a very silly, broad comedy, which is not a bad thing by any means, but one of the main things that I particularly appreciate about the 2003 version is that despite its wacky premise, it feels grounded. The characters feel like real people. Even the body-switching is almost believable. And that is almost entirely due to the phenomenal acting by the two main stars. Lindsay Lohan had already demonstrated her ability to play multiple characters in the same movie five years earlier in The Parent Trap (which unfortunately just barely missed my top 40 with 14 rewatches while I was keeping track), and she is thoroughly convincing as both a teenager and her mother here. Jamie Lee Curtis got arguably the more fun role and absolutely nailed it in every possible way, which is extraordinarily impressive given that she was only cast a few days before filming started. Originally the part was offered to Jodie Foster, who had played the daughter in the 1976 version, which she declined because she didn’t want stunt casting to become the main focus of the film. So Annette Bening was cast, but dropped out at basically the last minute and was replaced by Curtis, who proceeded to give one of my favorite performances of all time. She is the perfect blend of fun and serious, entirely believable as both Tess and Anna in Tess’s body. Neither Lohan nor Curtis seems to be trying to do an impression of the other, which potentially could have made the swap even more believable, but personally I’m glad they didn’t get hung up on trying to mimic each other’s mannerisms and instead focused on capturing the attitude of each other’s character. The movie isn’t about how Jamie Lee Curtis would act in Lindsay Lohan’s body or vice versa. It’s about people who are exasperated with each other learning that the other’s life is more complicated and difficult than they realized. And that could not have possibly been more perfectly portrayed.

While this movie is a comedy and has many very funny moments, the climax always makes me cry. After all their fighting and misunderstandings, it is so satisfying and beautiful to see Tess and Anna finally learn to feel and display the selfless love required to change them back. The series of beautiful moments starts when Anna’s friends show up at the rehearsal dinner to take Anna to their audition. Anna in Tess’s body explains the situation to Ryan, commenting that she knows he doesn’t care because Anna’s just some kid in a stupid rock band, and then Mark Harmon, who has spent most of the movie being politely confused, gets his big moment, when Ryan tells Anna (who is of course really Tess) to go to the audition, and then goes off on Tess (who is really Anna), saying he doesn’t intend to be an uncaring step-father, he very much does care about Tess’s children and wants to be part of their family, and encouraging Tess to go watch Anna’s audition. Jamie Lee Curtis perfectly conveys Anna’s realization that she has underestimated Ryan before rushing off to the concert, where she is desperately needed because Tess has no idea how to perform in a band. Side note: it would have been completely understandable for this teenage band to just be okay, but they are legitimately awesome, and their song slaps so much harder than it needed to for the purposes of this movie and I absolutely love that. Anyway, when they start to perform, Anna sees that Tess is petrified and makes her way backstage, reassures her mom that she just needs to fake it, and then Anna in Tess’s body plays her epic guitar solo offstage. That shot of Lindsay Lohan’s face when the solo starts and she turns in shock still gives me chills. That “Holy moly, my daughter is super talented, how did I not realize that until now?” look. Ugh, it’s so good. And then when the band finishes slaying, they both return to the rehearsal dinner, and Tess tells Anna to explain to Ryan that they need to postpone the wedding. Instead, Anna starts a toast about how even though she still misses her dad, she’s willing to welcome Ryan into their family because of how happy he makes her mom, and it’s in the middle of this that another earthquake hits and they switch back, and I just cannot even begin to explain how perfect it is. And of course, the only reason this pays off so well is because of how meticulously and realistically their relationship and individual objectives have been set up throughout the movie. We know that Anna cares about her music while Tess merely tolerates it, and we know that Tess is in love with Ryan while Anna only reluctantly accepts that he’s going to marry her mom. And seeing these two people who are so focused on their own objectives finally understand and acknowledge that the other’s are equally important is so thrilling to me because I desperately wish things like that would happen more in real life.

I admit to often finding it difficult to understand other people’s perspectives and motivations, no matter how much I want to. And in some ways this movie doesn’t really help because it implies that the only way to overcome that barrier is to literally switch bodies with someone else, which as far as I know is impossible. But I think that at least in Tess and Anna’s case, they could have reached a similar understanding without the magic if they’d just listened to each other. Early in the movie, Tess thinks Anna is being ridiculous when she says that certain people are out to get her, like her former best friend Stacey Hinkhouse (played by Julie Gonzalo) and her English teacher Mr. Bates (played by Stephen Tobolowsky, and apparently named in reference to the character who killed Jamie Lee Curtis’s mother Janet Leigh’s character in the movie Psycho). But once Tess attends school as Anna she learns that Stacey really is very mean to Anna, for no apparent reason, and that Mr. Bates really is grading her unfairly because he’s still bitter that Tess wouldn’t go to their high school prom with him. If Tess had taken Anna seriously to begin with, she wouldn’t have needed to literally live her life to learn that. So that’s the lesson I’ve tried to take from Freaky Friday: listen to people, give them the benefit of the doubt, and bear in mind that their lives are probably more difficult and complicated than they appear to you.

Surprisingly, an aspect of this movie that I think works remarkably well is the romance. This is unexpected both because of how much time I spend complaining that there is too much romance in movies in general, and because in this particular movie the two main characters aren’t who their love interests think they are for most of the story. Anna has a crush on Jake (played by Chad Michael Murray), but they’ve never spoken until the day before the switch. They have one kind of cute conversation that is interrupted by Mr. Bates, and then the next time they meet, Anna is Tess. Jake doesn’t like this version of Anna, but he runs into the real Anna (in Tess’s body) at the coffee shop where he works, and they have a great conversation about music. As someone who does not experience sexual or romantic attraction but does understand compatibility, watching people bond over shared music taste makes way more sense to me than watching people make out. This is a type of romance I can wrap my head around. Maybe it should seem a bit creepy for a middle-aged adult and a teenager to be flirting with each other, but the audience so thoroughly believes that Jamie Lee Curtis is Anna that it doesn’t come across as weird at all. Later, when Tess as Anna kisses Jake to try to get him to leave the person he believes is Tess alone, he says, “You’re beautiful, but you’re not her,” and it is so wonderful to see this deviation from the stereotype that teenaged boys just want to sleep with every girl they can get. Jake really likes Anna for who she is, and that makes so much more sense to me than something like Anna’s initial crush on Jake before they’ve even met. My brain needs there to be a reason why people like each other beyond “they’re attractive,” and “we have the exact same taste in music” fits that. So I support Anna and Jake’s romance, and I hope they’re happy together. And of course, I already mentioned that I love when Ryan makes it clear that he’s marrying Tess not only because he wants to be with her, but also because he wants to be part of her children’s lives. Given Disney’s typically negative portrayal of step-parents, this is huge. Ryan recognizes that this is a difficult situation for Anna and her brother Harry, and he’s doing his best to make the transition easier for them, and it’s so nice to see that. I feel like I can easily picture what Tess and Ryan’s life together will look like, which is more than I can say about a lot of couples who get married at the end of movies. I realize that romantic films are intended to be about the wooing and falling in love parts, but often I find it hard to believe that romantic leads will actually have a functional relationship going forward, so I appreciate that this movie doesn’t have that problem.

And of course I also appreciate that this movie heavily focuses on non-romantic relationships in the midst of romance. The main relationship is between Tess and Anna, but there are several side relationships that mirror this, including the conflicts between Pei-Pei (Rosalind Chao) and her mom (Lucille Soong) and between Anna’s brother Harry (Ryan Malgarini) and their grandpa (Harold Gould). I wish Pei-Pei and her mom were better developed characters, and the one aspect of this movie that doesn’t quite sit well with me is the whole fortune cookie thing. I appreciate that the filmmakers were trying to find a creative mechanism to initiate the switch, and maybe it would have worked better if the rest of the cast was more diverse, but something about the only Asian characters in the movie having mystical powers feels uncomfortably close to racist stereotypes of “exotic foreigners”. So I wish that had been portrayed differently. But I do like that there’s a mother-daughter conflict between Pei-Pei and her mom about how or whether to resolve the mother-daughter conflict between Tess and Anna. Pei-Pei wants her mom to stay out of it, but her mom can’t seem to help herself. Meanwhile, Harry and his grandpa are constantly teasing and misunderstanding each other throughout the movie, so at the wedding at the end, Pei-Pei’s mom offers them cookies. Three different endings of the movie were shot, two of which imply that Grandpa and Harry are about to switch bodies, but the one that made it to the final cut has Pei-Pei tackling them and successfully retrieving the unopened cookies before they have a chance to wreak more havoc. I hope this means that Harry and Grandpa (and for that matter Pei-Pei and her mother) will find a way to resolve their differences without magic.

The fact that a movie with this ridiculous of a premise manages to have characters that feel real enough that I care what happens to them after the events of the film is exactly what I love about it. If you’re a frequent listener of this podcast, you may have noticed that a lot of my favorite movies are based on ideas that don’t sound like they should work, but somehow turn out much more enjoyable than they have any right to be. In Freaky Friday’s case, the incredible writing and acting turned what could have been a mildly entertaining but forgettable romp into a moving, powerful crash course in empathy that I cannot stop revisiting.

Thank you for listening to my analysis of another of my most frequently rewatched films. Next week I will be returning to obscure Old Hollywood to discuss another movie with a ridiculous premise, which coincidentally also involves an adult pretending to be a child, although under very different circumstances than Freaky Friday. So follow or subscribe to stay tuned for that, and as always I will leave you with a quote from that next movie: “You should be very glad I’m not 12. I was a very straightforward child. I used to spit.”

[gr33nbull]

Hello Everyone,

It’s certainly been quite a while. The last time I was here was well, quite frankly a devastating day if you’re a Sebastian Vettel fan. Which is pretty much 95% of the F1 world I would say. 28/7/22 was the last time I was here and well. Yeah.

That day sucked. And when I say sucked. I mean really sucked. I’ve been a fan of F1 since 2004. I fell in love with Seb in 2007 and not once did that waiver for me. Through all the highs and lows. He was my number one guy always. No matter who came in. It was always Seb for me.

When he announced his retirement last year it absolutely shattered me to pieces. It honestly hit me harder than I ever thought. I’ve never really had to go through that process of seeing your favourite band break up, or seeing your favourite athlete retire or someone you’re a huge fan of being hurt or passing away. I’ve not had that, until Sebastian.

I always thought people overreacted when they got upset over stuff like that. But I completely get where they’re coming from now. When you’ve grown up watching and loving someone for so long like that. Showing unwavering support. It really does punch you in the gut when it’s over. I’ve never been so upset in all my life. It broke me if I’m completely honest and it really broke my love for this sport.

We say we love this sport in general, but no matter what there’s always that one driver that just sucks you in and you unconditionally support. Sebastian was that driver for me.

I just couldn’t face being here. I was mentally in a bad place anyway and that was the final nail in the coffin for me. Albeit it wasn’t the best couple of seasons he’s had and there was so much heartache. Watching Seb was my escape from the real world and my happy place. Now that’s gone. I just had to get off here. Seeing his face upset me so much.

If I’m totally honest. That hasn’t really changed either. If anything, the build up to this new season just made it all the more real for me that he’s really not racing anymore. Abu Dhabi made me sob like crazy, but I’ve found myself yet again getting so upset because I can’t see my favourite guy race ever again. I know it’s totally on me for being so attached to Seb and this sport but I can’t help it. He was my source of happiness.

As the Season opener looms. I’ve been toying on what to do. If I’m completely honest, my love for this sport has vanished. AD 21 really knocked my love for it then Sebastian retired which just sent it to a whole new level. And unfortunately if Mercedes don’t perform well this year, I do believe this could be Lewis’ last year aswell considering he hasn’t signed a contract. All of my era is fading away, all my favourite drivers and I honestly don’t think I can take losing Lewis and Seb in the span of the year. I’d be well and truly done with this sport.

With that being said. I have, like Seb, decided to retire this blog. I may come back periodically, I may not. Quite frankly I just lost motivation for this sport and I miss Seb so crazy seeing his face just makes me feel all sorts of sad. I can’t bare it, it feels so raw and wrong now the season is starting without him. It’s just a bit too much.

I will be watching this season to support Lewis. But there’s a hint of fear, sadness and extreme anxiety. There’s alot riding on this W14. If she doesn’t perform I feel like this year could be very upsetting for me. And I just don’t want to be online and seeing everyone’s posts making me feel worse than I already do.

I will obviously be keeping the blog up. Incase I do pop back. And of course the memories of Seb on here. And if there’s any chance of seeing him in the future. You best believe I’ll be back cheering him on because that’s what I do best.

I will say, I’m glad he’s happy, he’s done what he believes is best for him and his family and I’m sure he’s loving his retired life. His happiness is what’s most important. But that will never change the fact I miss him so incredibly much. His impact on me and my life has been immense. It hurts to lose that.

So guys, for now, I’m gonna go. If you do still follow me, I just want to say a massive thank you to those that followed and who I interacted with. My time on here has been great (and tense lol)

I hope you all have a great year, I hope you all enjoy the season and most of all I hope you’re all well and safe.

Thank you guys so much,

See you around 💚

Kat. 💕

[alaffy]

The Last of Us, Ep.4 – Please Hold to My Hand (spoilers)

You know that moment, in a horror movie, were you see a character doing something so unbelievably stupid that you can’t help but yell at the screen?  That was every Kansas Citian the moment Joel decided to leave the Interstate and go into downtown. 

In all honesty, it was kind of fun to see what they had done with the city itself.  I knew they had filmed here because they had shut down one of the major Interstates for a couple of hours to film.  But I really wasn’t expecting more then a few brief shots as they passed by.

It turns out to be quite more then that.  And it was fun seeing what was and wasn’t a part of the city.  Also, I really appreciated the fact that they did what they could to make the skyline as accurate as possible to what it would have been in 2003 (there’s been a resurgence in the downtown area since around 2007 and several buildings have either been demolished or built). Granted, they did take a few liberties with the geography.  For instance, the dilapidated amusement park is actually a place called “World of Fun.” It’s very much a functioning park, about 235 acres (making it the largest in the Midwest), and it’s maybe fifteen minutes from downtown kc.  

Anyway, the purpose of a good portion of this episode is to show us how Elle and Joel are becoming a team. Specifically, in the shootout in Kansas City; we see the Elle truly has Joel’s back when he is attacked by one of the survivors and she ends up shooting the man.  Before Joel pretty much sees Elle as cargo and that’s it. I mean, he’s very blunt about this fact. After this moment, he still sort of sees her that way, but he also is more…he opens up a bit more and you can see that he’s starting to see Elle more as a teenager stuck in a bad situation; his fatherly instincts are starting to come out.  I am interested in finding out why Elle has had to shoot someone before.  At the end of the episode Joel and Elle are caught (?) by a man named Henry and a young child named Sam.

And the reason I put a question here has to do with the other part of this episode.  Apparently, the government isn’t in control of the city anymore.  Now, it’s in control of a group of rebels; lead by a woman named Kathleen.  We don’t know how the rebels took over; but it doesn’t seem like they’re any better then the government.  Kathleen is on the hunt for Henry.  Again, we’re not sure why at this point; only, for some reason, Kathleen either wants some sort of revenge or she knows Henry being free isn’t good for her leadership.  Clearly, this will be dealt with next episode.  So, at the moment, while it sounds like Henry is a threat; it doesn’t seem like he’s going to be an antagonist. 

I’m also glad that we don’t have to wait as long as it seems this episode will be released on Friday.  

Just one question before I wrap this up.  Elle mentioned Starbucks in the QZ zone.  She’s asking about it because she’s seen the signs and heard people talking about it, right? It’s not like they somehow survived and are still serving to maybe the elite in this dystopian hellscape?  Because if there’s one company that I could see surviving the apocalypse….

[jovialtorchlight]

fuck it, text of the whole book BUY IT IF YOU LIKE IT

Thank you for picking up this book. I have tried to bring this into fruition for a few years, but words have failed. 

This book is dedicated to the memory of Joshua Richard Bolduc, who died on February 20th, 2008, and his mother and father (and my Aunt and Uncle), Carol Bolduc and Christopher Bolduc.

Though this book does go into detail about the killing, it is not intended as non-fiction and some aspects may not be correct. Also, it’s public knowledge that Josh’s half brother, Matthew Cushing, committed this act of terrible violence that continues to cast a long shadow over all of our lives. 

This book is also dedicated to everyone who loved Josh, Carol, and Christopher. 

i’m chasing luke through the skatepark, 

holding a camcorder

 i bought at goodwill for 8 dollars,

i’m shaking, my hands are sweating, 

and it's hard to keep the footage stable. 

brendan tries to hit a kickflip 

but bails before he lands, 

missing the concrete, rolling onto the grass. 

as i run towards him, 

he’s lying on his back, rigid and silent,

 pretending to be dead.

‘dude, that was crazy,’ i call 

as i run towards him.

 i stand over him, and 

zoom the camcorder in on his face, 

his eyes still closed.

he opens them at once, 

and, howling with laughter, 

raises his left leg,

 pretending to kick me

 in the balls.

except he accidentally 

uses too much force, 

and actually kicks me in the balls--

that ache you can feel everywhere--

in your stomach and teeth. 

 i collapse beside him, 

clutching my groin, 

moaning in pain

and howling with laughter,

tears rolling down my cheeks. 

today is June 27th, 2007.

 i’m 14 years old. 

on february 20th, 2008, 

at 5:02 p.m, i will die.

but on this early 

summer morning,

in old orchard beach maine,

when the tourists

are pouring in from quebec 

and filling up the beach 

and buying fudge 

and french fries 

and punching seagulls, 

i am in the infancy of my hopes and dreams.

i want to be a filmmaker.

the three of us--luke, jason--

want to start a show like Jackass. 

the world is still a path, wide open.

the limits are unknowable.

every possibility is open. 

after february 20th, 

there will not be a tomorrow.

but today there is one

and it is full and bright. 

maybe,

jason, luke and kyle 

could come over in the morning

when my mom and dad are both at work 

and i could film them doing something dope,

like jumping from the roof into the pool

or maybe luke 

would finally nail a kickflip.

and maybe,

later in the afternoon,

as the orange,

hazy summer sun 

sets low in the sky 

and the seemingly 

endless summer day 

plods toward

an inevitable sunset

the three of us could walk 

down to the beach, 

weave in between the crowds 

of tourists in speedos,

and watch those slow waves 

roll lazily to the shore

backs lit up by the golden hour sun,

the dark creeps up  

we’ll  realize we are late.

we’ll race home before our 

parents figure out where we were.

maybe, 

after dinner,

jason, luke and kyle 

could come over and play DND. 

maybe, 

afterwards, the four of us

could cannonball into the pool

deep into the twilight water, 

the sticky hot humidity still permeating

through the early darkness. 

and the chlorine would set 

in my shaggy brown hair

and my dad 

would come out, in his boxers,

screaming at us in his high, 

nasally voice  for being too loud,

and tell my friends to 

“get the hell out of here”, 

and for me 

to get the hell inside.

and as i fell asleep, 

no nightmares of death

no idea that even

those clear moments

time marched steadily towards the

murky pinpoint,

a date carved into the near future

where life diverged from me.

skin ripped open by a knife,

my own blood 

spilled in the hallway

between my room and the bathroom. 

and now, rolling face-down 

in the grass in the skatepark,

 no one knows the truth.

there is no prophecy, 

except for the closed circle 

of time. 

i have no idea that death is so close,

lips of carrion

 breathing down my neck.

and i’m glad

because if i knew

that summer afternoon

would have changed.

time would have slowed and 

stopped and 

the heat pounding

on all the tarred

asphalt and the dry pointy grass,

and even the cicadas in their summer song

would have sang some grim fortelling;

there would have been panic. 

tonight, there is no panic.

just a 14 year old boy

with his friends, 

in the summer,

living. 

and i could never know that

my murder would be

so unfair, so horribly absolute, 

violence fell upon me

the featherlike weight of 

the blade slicing my body

slicing skin, 

spilling blood.

and i guess it is better that i did not know

that the last moment was truly my last

until life finally drained from me.

time cursed me, but knowledge did not. 

that afternoon, I lived fully, laughing, rolling

in the grass. 

ignorant to the emptiness of a future 

without me,

a future

dulled down 

into

in a single sentence,

‘i’m dead.”

-Josh

“Josh is dead.’”

for a while, right after,

 i had to remind myself

all the time. i’d wake up,

have a normal thought--

like ‘winter vacation is about to end;’

or  ‘i need to finish my English project’

always tailed, stalked by

the nagging thought

‘oh yeah. Josh is dead.’

i’m almost 30. You

died when i was 14. 

and still,

this path doesn’t seem real. 

it seems like a trick of the mind,

a fabricated reality. 

i still can’t believe

there’s no 

room for you to make

mistakes, 

no room to grow-up, 

no place in this trajectory

for you to be anything at all.

and i know i’m almost 30, and i wish I could stop,

but 

 i walk this cursed place, 

looking for you.

every bump at night, 

every pattern noticed 

is a sign of your presence. 

i am not the one who is dead

but i commune with you as I write this, 

as i type these words I ask

 'where are you? do you need help?"

-Jonny

“in a dream, i tell you that  i am not at peace i am still a 

slave to time i am still stuck

throwing myself at these closed doors 

staring down all of these paths, 

paths 

decapitated 

with my death and i am afraid to tread”

-Josh

“and we stick to each other like a curse. 

i itch with the memories of you alive, my soul gnaws at where you have gone, 

and i pound with terror when

i think about your death.

the terror has made a nest 

in my stomach and a 

vacation home in my brain.

it consumes me in ways 

i cannot recognize. 

i do not know how to help you.”

-Jonny

“jesus Christ, 

dude, do anything.

live.”

-Josh

“your spirit is made alive with anger

 at what you will never be, 

and as i commune with you

i feel that anger, 

that righteous hatred of violence, 

that righteous thrashing against

 the injustice of your death,

i take it and mold the itch 

into a hunger and 

craft the hunger

 into an untouchable pain,

 so deep that i could never reach it, 

a bruise at the core of my being

 that festers

and becomes infected, 

a pain

 of my own doing, 

a pain i know well.

 a pain i understand

a pain i take comfort in.”

-Jonny

“dude, i didn’t 

die so i could watch

you resist life. you have

moments still where you can feel

the breeze of the sea against your face,

where you can eat a fried dough at

the boardwalk,

where you can have a job,

a child,

a wife,

a friend. 

there’s a part of you that died with me, sure. 

but this selfish grief is not for me;

it’s so you have an excuse to remain stagnant.

you are attached to this narrative 

like a chain 

wrapped around your leg.

and you keep

S

I

N

K

I

N

G

.”

-Josh

“we see each other. we

know what is not and never will be.

can we walk towards some peace? 

can we move from the burning potential, the wasteland

of your death and move towards a future unbruised and full?

dead brother, will you walk with me into the fire and emerge cleansed?”

-Jonny

“it is a summer day. 

i’m damp, and the chlorine 

from the pool has set into my skin and hair, sticky. 

i sit down in the grass, 

grasp a small twig 

and snap it absentmindedly. 

i close my eyes. 

the air is hot and heavy. 

the skin at my hairline feels tight, 

and tomorrow, i’ll have a sunburn. 

i open my eyes.

endless blue. Cicada songs burst out.” -Jonny

“there is no fear in this moment. 

you have done nothing wrong.” -Josh.

“still, i am being chased by some nagging terror.” -Jonny

“you could sleep inside of this moment. 

you could live inside this string of seconds. 

it would be fine. it would be good. 

these moments have a place to

nestle and burrow. 

i can help you survive.”-Josh

“i don’t listen. i open my eyes. 

there is fear. 

there is a great sorrow.

there is a catalog of sins 

and a host of terrors eating at my soul.” -Jonny

“a grief counselor told me 

that in the wild when elephants die

 when the grief

 lashes up against their huge bodies

 they get close to each other, 

as close as they can 

and they swarm together 

and they do not leave 

eachother alone 

they pull close

 they try to protect themselves from 

the grief 

and the predators 

that feast on the 

vulnerable

and i don’t know why she told me that.

it did not make me feel any better.

the elephants were better at grief.

when josh died we were screaming 

and we were numb

and we were caving in on ourselves

and if i were an elephant

my family would have huddled close up let

that grief wash over us, 

shielding each other from the 

storm breaking us apart, 

protecting each other 

from the communal crumbling

 but we were humans

 and we were screaming

at the empty gods inside of us draining out

and you should know 

that in my sleep i am in the bedroom where josh died

and i am in the bedroom where josh died

and i am the tearing of the skin

and i am the violence of a murder

and when i am wake sometimes 

i am the hollowed out shell

a shell i’ve inhabited since i was young 

and never left

and anyone who may love me,

 you should know that 

i may inch up towards you 

and i may swarm up against 

you and in our bed 

i may press against you 

and steal healing from you 

and it may not be fair and 

it may not be fair but in my mind

 i am howling at the door 

left out in the cold with this grief

 and i am inching closer trying to swarm and i am inching closer trying to swarm to shield from harm

 and i am schooling like silver fish and

 i am a murmuration of starlings and i am swerving

 in and out of sight and pulsating in the sky 

and you should know and you should know--” Jonny

“i don’t know.

i know the pain. i know you attach

your pain onto me. but it’s not my fault. 

i’m dead.

you made me a myth. 

made me an ‘angel,’

and you think i’ve seen 

the kingdom of 

heaven or whatever. 

you come to me in the night with your 

hands shaking,

your breathing rapid and shallow,

in the throws of an anxiety attack,

and you expect me to be able to heal you,

to be able to answer for my soul leaving

like i chose this for myself.

i was a kid when i died. 

i was having my

first awkward kisses, 

i was skateboarding around town,

smoking weed out of an apple. 

my best self never grew up.

who do you think i am? 

have you forgotten who i was

when i died?

i have my own questions. 

how deep is the soul? how rooted in the body?

 does the soul decay, become less? can it gain, become more? 

will it travel? can my soul find yours through the static terror of each day? 

will it travel with us as we fade into sickness? 

will the soul wrap around us? 

sink us like a chain tied to an ankle,

 or lift us like wings sprouting from the spirit?” -Josh

“five young pallbearers, red-eyed and sniffling, 

trying to stifle tears, shoulder to shoulder, 

crammed in a limo following behind the hearse. 

the interstate leading over the river, 

 a gentle dusted of mid morning snow; 

the crawling motorcade buffered by cops

with flashing blue lights.

you are dead (in the coffin, burned flesh)

 your mom and dad have a coffin, too

 (Uncle Chris, Aunt Carol, and he even killed the dog--)

looking out over the bridge,

 into the Fore River, freezing February, 

Casco Bay placid, 

blue ocean

lapping where the river

 flattened out and met it

 in the front seat of the 

hearse 

i want to take a nap

and meet you again, in a dream. but napping 

seems impossible

the limo driver makes some joke

 and we answer with a tired laugh.

i haven’t laughed in days, maybe weeks—

all emotions seem

forced, squeezing some reaction, 

perfunctory and automated. 

it all is, in a way. 

the only way to survive is to engage autopilot. 

 I fully hand myself 

over to the ebb and flow. 

ebb, meaning a sadness, 

something like a tide, 

a riptide, powerful,

 insurmountable.

 i scrape along with it, 

bloated and drowning, 

too tired to fight, 

dragged along the bottom, 

washing up again later on some shore, 

wondering where i am.

 time moves relentlessly,

and in the space between seconds

i feel

like i am surfacing, 

swimming up through the dark water, 

and gasping to life in some unknown place.

squeezed next to one of Josh’s friends—Luke, i think—

i notice the sleeves of my tuxedo jacket are too short,

my jacket is too tight. 

i’ve gained weight. 

the attendant at the tux

fitting said that

I need to stop eating so many cheeseburgers.

 i cross my arms to give him space. 

the shoulders of the jacket threaten to rip out, 

but reluctantly hold together.

 the heated leather seats make my ass sweaty. 

my legs are sore, knees scrunched up against

the glove box  .

 i’m shivering. i have to piss. 

i wonder how much longer we have to drive,

 and at once, I remember

 what is waiting for us 

when we arrive in South Portland

 (a dead best friend, a fucking hearse and a casket with his burned bod-), and, at once, 

i want the ride to last forever.  I close my eyes. 

we drive 

slowly over the roads

 tinged pale gray with salt and ice,

 a work truck ahead, flashing yellow,

 treating the roads with sand,  

sniffling again, all of us, trying to be silent. 

and we are silent. 

mind wandered from the habitual jabbing—

(oh my fucking god you’re dead)

—to feeling the sting of my eyes,

i wonder how red they are,

if my eyes are as red as the rest. 

i didn’t want to cry when others were not crying,

 or cry too much, or cry too little. 

even in the throes of grief,

 teenagers are still self conscious.

at one point or another during this, 

we had all cried pretty hard, 

sometimes together, sometimes alone, 

sometimes embarrassed,

 always pulled out

 by the fucking riptide.

and there, on that late Feb. 

mid morning, 

the sad caravan meandering towards the cemetery, 

the numbness set in like a 

deep bone splitting cold.” --Jonny

“when i died it was february vacation.

 i woke up.

the cul-de-sac circle 

was coated in snow 

and i saw the 

flakes gently

swept up by the piercing wind

the absolute blue of the morning

burning a cold

fire in the sky. 

i rolled out of bed

and mom and dad 

were at the shop down

on the main tourist drag

and even though

the town was empty, hollowed 

out at the end of the summer,

tourists gone, leaving the townies

and when the police chief spoke at the smoldering,

charred husk of my house

the next morning

to a rabble of reporters with tv cameras 

he said 

 “the family was not on our radar at all

they owned a business, 

were well liked in the community”

amazing how so much can 

change from morning to morning,

life slides into 

the narrow boundaries of death,

and at 8:45 a.m., I am hovering at the edge of 

living, 

and i don’t know

that i am going to die

 i don't have much to do today;

mom and dad are at work

i let spike, my dog, a puggle,

out of his kennel, and he yawns,

and zooms towards the front door;

i throw on some pants, and a jacket, 

and i put a leash on spike to take him outside 

and i can’t even comprehend

that spike dies 

too

and i can’t even imagine, can’t even 

begin to imagine

a world that moves past my

life,

that time could keep flowing 

without me.”

-Josh

“when i sat down to write this book, Josh

i thought i’d try to imagine your life

and the years that were stolen from you;

i thought i would imagine you as a 29 year old

i thought i could predict what job you’d have,

who you would love,

what kind of jokes you could make, 

what kind of video games you would play

but i

jesus 

 His

Cr   t

I DON’T EVEN 

REMEMBER WHAT

YOU

SOUND

LIKE

                                     oh my god;

                                       I DON’T EVEN 

REMEMBER WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE.

-jonny

“i meet you in a dream. 

it is a place beyond time, beyond death.

before you ask, yes, i am dead. you have 

lived in a world without me for 15 years.

15 years of looking behind,

15 years of searching for me in the silence,

15 years of expecting violence to leak out into each day;

15 years of looking for knives

when you should

be looking for life.

half your life has been tethered to the knowledge

that life could end in a flash

that no one is ever safe from some terrible 

end, from dying alone, scared, in pain,

bleeding out on the carpet. 

half your life has been chained

to that february night, 

chained to the daze of grief, chained to a brother

a brother lost

and my death has given you something to look for,

something to latch on you

someone to mythologize

someone to blame

for the way

you are.

you  know me dead longer than you knew me alive. 

but let us return

to that summer night

late, watching jackass

the one  

where he swallows the goldfish

let us return to you dragging me by the ankles

into the lake

and that fourth of july

with the sky exploding

above us 

and that fourth of july

sitting, watching

and that fourth of july

unburdened 

and in this dream, 

i come to you 

with bolt cutters.

UNHINGE, RISE UP

NO TETHERS,

NO CHAINS, 

NO KEEPING.

RISE UP, NO MORE 

SAD AND DISTANT,

NO MORE RAISING 

THE DEAD 

EVERY MORNING

UNHINGE AND RISE UP, BROTHER.

 MEET ME IN THIS FIRE.

[peony-pearl]

I really wish I could go back and experience Avatar with fresh eyes. But I’m also glad I was exposed to it when it first aired.

I vaguely remember some advertising for it’s premiere and, at the time, I know I was in deep with my Kingdom Hearts hyperfixation. The first Avatar episode I saw was the day after prom in my Junior year when a girl in the friend group I was in turned on a rerun in April or May 2005. For some reason my mind is convinced the episode was Cave of Two Lovers, but it hadn’t aired yet. I’m not surprised I can’t remember the episode because at the time I was eyeballs deep in heavy OCD symptoms and kind of in the early stages of a huge mental breakdown haha. I’d had visible OCD symptoms for years but had no idea I had it; then barely a month later I was hospitalized and diagnosed because of my intrusive thoughts and ruminations. It kinda sucked lmao.

Over the next couple of years I was exposed to Avatar mostly because of my Uncle. He adored the series. He was an avid cartoon fan who loved art and comics and drawing and had the bones of one of his own comics but became ill and passed away before he could finish it. I appreciated Avatar for what it was, but didn’t really have the heart to get invested. There was a point that I did make an oc and drew some art and wrote a bit but it lasted like maybe 2 weeks tops. 2005-late 2007 was a minefield period of time that was mixed with me trying to reconfigure my whole personality (right around the time I turned 18 so THAT was good timing) and trying to enjoy the things I loved before my breakdown. I was desperate to be who I was before everything happened.

However, I did keep up with the series after moving to another state and the third season began airing. I remember watching Day of Black Sun and then the finale. I just kept up with it out of interest. Then years went by and I finally started moving forward. I found new interests that helped me become creative again, all while making the painful realization that my mental health was a permanent thing after believing I had ‘conquered’ my OCD. I also unknowingly had ADHD, which I was finally diagnosed with this year, which exacerbates my OCD and intrusive thoughts and ruminating.

Years went by, I went through college, I’ve had so many different jobs, I paid off my student loans late 2020 and then in 2021 my mental health got so bad again I finally sought out therapy for the first time in ten years. I started taking medicine for depression and mood swings. Almost all I was doing was working. I lived with my parents, which wasn’t a bad thing; but the strict schedule and my night shift meant I had little chances of doing much, and I gained weight from stress eating for dopamine.

Then almost a year ago I moved out for the first time; hence my DBZ hyperfixation. I wanted some nostalgia, and I’d had a 2 year period where that series was my bread and butter in 2002-2004. However, I moved again earlier this year, and at first it was all about adjustment; but I was beginning to realize I just didn’t do anything. I still have that issue. But in trying to wonder what it was exactly that I wanted or didn’t want, I started to realize if I’m going to live, I may as well start seeking out things to do.

I was tired of just existing, so I finally set up violin lessons, and I’ve been attending them weekly (save missing one here or there) since April. I’ve learned what I have the power to do, even if I often lack the motivation and drive. I’m becoming more and more content, even if there are the off-times when things are iffy.

I was absolutely not expecting my re-introduction to Avatar to be a gifset of Iroh threatening Zhao in the Spirit Oasis; a scene I was unfamiliar with. I think I had watched the series on Netflix some years ago, but again, I’ve lacked the commitment to it. The punch of that scene with a character I had associated with benevolence after being lukewarm towards the series intrigued me, and I fell down the rabbit hole lol

And I’ve realized that, after getting older, the show is actually a lot more meaningful; and after stumbling upon a gifset of Iroh’s quote ‘Life happens wherever you are, whether you make it or not’; that hit me. That was exactly what I’d started trying to live by over the past couple of months. Zuko’s strive to figure out who he wants to be hits home too, as I often struggle, even at 34, with what I want or who I want to be. (granted, I need to find a new therapist but that’s another story lmao)

After seeing all this merch pop up and be like ‘oh yeah Avatar that’s a good show’ and being disconnected, I now adore it. I know the bones of it but I’m still learning all of the smaller details and worldbuilding and lore. I’m a newbie but at the same time I know what it is and watched the premieres of The Awakening, The Day of Black Sun, and Sozin’s Comet.

I’ve always appreciated the series for it’s creativity and how it avoided talking down to it’s audience (yeah it had kid moments but it was a Nickelodeon show). And even as an adult so many messages ring true. I definitely  put it on the same page as Gargoyles (because 1. I’m biased and 2. both are intricately woven stories that treat it’s audience as adults; I wish Gargoyles had gotten the same closure Avatar did, but for what it is it’s still an amazing show and I’ll always adore it and I’m so glad a show like Avatar did get it’s story completed for the most part)

And yet it’s Iroh’s line ‘whatever you do to that spirit, I’ll unleash on you tenfold’ is the one that kind of brings tears to my eyes; because it rings of conviction and fortitude to do the right thing, and is what brought me back to a little piece of fandom that, even if I already know all of the twists and turns and spoilers, was there for me to pick back up on when I needed it and to help me continue to move forward.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

your post got me thinking about how i used to like boyles stuff, but when i started watching mock the week i heard him do a bit where he said something along the lines of "back in my day political correctness was called "sp*zzy gay talk"" which really made me sour on him (idk how it is in canada but in the uk sp*z is a straight up slur towards disabled people) and move away from watching his stuff. and on the one hand i get it, this was in like 2006ish so every third joke is questionable at best, but on the other that was the most blatantly offensive one i'd heard so far, and i actually i haven't seen much of mock the week from between 2007s series to 2015s series because i specifically wanted to avoid any more surprise slurs and offensive "jokes". i know its not fair to judge someone by what they said fifteen years ago and i am glad to hear he seems to have changed, but its still unfortunately the first thing i think of when i see his name.

Thanks for this, I always appreciate getting messages from people who have other things to say about stuff I’ve written on here. For anyone who’s reading this and is confused, this message is referring to this post, though at the time this message came in I hadn’t written the update yet.

I think I remember the exact Mock the Week moment you’re talking about, and I understand why your or anyone would not want to watch that. That particular S word isn’t “as bad” where I’m from, but it’s still a word I’d never use. And not just because it’s worse elsewhere. I learned at some point last year, while watching some British show or other, that in Britain that word is an outright slur, while in North America it’s just a generally derogatory word. But even before last year, I did not use that word. Because I don’t want to use slurs or generally derogatory words for marginalized groups that I’m not a part of, and generally think that’s a good rule to have. I spent 2006 figuring out I was (mostly) gay while hearing kids at school use “gay” as an insult, pretty much exactly the way Frankie Boyle used it in the moment you’ve mentioned, and that made it harder for me to accept myself and come out. I definitely do not want to defend Frankie Boyle’s use of those words in that way.

Honestly, I’m thinking of explanations for why I think it’s okay for me to still like Frankie Boyle in the light of all that, and I’m fighting a strong instinct to write a lot of words about those explanations, because they don’t really seem appropriate in the context of the quote you mentioned in that message. I don’t want to defend that one, and I don’t even want to talk about “nuance” or whatever in a way that might make it sound like I’m defending it. That specific comment is indefensible, and my only explanation for why I don’t hold it against Frankie Boyle forever is that I don’t think he’d stand by it today either.

I’ve written about my thoughts on this subject, the subject of how I love vulgar comedy but do not like comedy that hurts people who don't deserve it and how I reconcile those two things, in a few previous posts, and I'm sure I'll write about them in some future ones. But I’m going to resist getting further into them on this post, because any thoughts I have about how context makes certain things okay do not apply to that comment you’ve quoted. That one’s just clearly not okay, a lot of the stuff Frankie Boyle has said is clearly not okay, and I hate the way people can use overcomplicated ideas to defend stuff that is just clearly not okay.

Anyway, it’s absolutely fair enough if the association with that comment puts you off enjoying anything else that involves Frankie Boyle. There are so many amazing comedians out there who don’t have that kind of history, including many comedians who are members of the vulnerable groups that have been hurt by the language he casually used. I hope you can enjoy those other comedians and I’m sorry for all the not okay things out there.

[total-drama-takes-takes-2]

tti episode 25 - version 1

“For the past eight weeks, you have been watching Fren, Joner, Peter, Kitty, Mal, O, Sha-Mod, Frollo, Caesar, Austin, Scruffy, Kelly, Courtney, Scary, Max, Staci, Patrick, Bonnie, Ass, and Julia compete in the most heinous, disgusting, dangerous challenges reality TV has seen since 2007. You have watched them laugh, cry, love and receive various injuries, and it’s all come down to this! Two campers remain, and by sundown, only one will be left standing! That winner will go home with a check for one million dollars and the pride of having survived this crummy camp. Our two final campers are about to fight it out in a battle of the exes here on Total! Takes! Island!”

“Welcome back to the island. It's been a grueling past two months for our finalists, so we asked them to record their thoughts before the final challenge,” Chris smiles, pacing around the currently-empty mess hall. 

---

MCLOVIN: “I guess I had a good time. I made a lot of new friends,”

---

MICHAEL: “Now people hate my existence and want to kill me! Great job at making new friends, Michela!"

---

MCLOVIN: “I’m not too surprised I made it this far. It’s like my mom always says, a positive attitude can get you anywhere!”

---

MICHAEL: “I’m honestly shocked I haven’t given up yet. I mean, I was so sure I’d be a mid-season boot and now I’m a finalist!”

---

MCLOVIN: “The food? It was okay... when it wasn’t trying to kill me,”

---

MICHAEL: “Don’t even get me started on the supposed “food” we had to eat. It’d probably be inhumane to serve that stuff to dogs,”

---

MCLOVIN: “The rats in the kitchen wouldn’t even touch it,”

---

MICHAEL: “And the people?”

---

MCLOVIN: “The people were awesome! Sure, there were some fights, but I’ve never met so many amazing friends than on this island!”

---

MICHAEL: “-a bunch of lazy, stubborn, self-centered jerks who only cared about themselves. Well… most of them,”

---

MCLOVIN: “Sha-Mod and I share a psychic bond! We’re soulmates- bromates! I meant bromates!”

---

MICHAEL: “Max is probably one of the most stubborn, rude, unapologetically mean people I’ve ever met, and… I am so glad I met him. I couldn’t have asked for anyone better.”

---

MCLOVIN: “Courtney has the coolest hair ever, Julia is super smart…”

---

MICHAEL: “I guess that’s about it, really,”

---

MCLOVIN: “What will I be remembered for?” he pauses to think. “My personality!”

---

MICHAEL: “Um… my hair?”

---

MCLOVIN: “Or maybe these!” he stands on the toilet and stomps, his light-up Sketchers blinking.

---

Chris leaves the mess hall after announcing the final curtain call will be in thirty minutes. Michael sighs and slumps forward. 

“What’s the matter?” McLovin asks, spooning their final crummy camp meal. 

“I guess I’m just kind of disappointed I didn’t accomplish anything I came here for,” 

“What do you mean? We did lots of awesome stuff and met tons of awesome people!”

“No,” Michael frowns at him. “You did tons of awesome stuff and met tons of awesome people. I just made a bunch of enemies and humiliated myself on national television hundreds of times.”

McLovin’s smile drops and he looks at her. “That’s kind of a depressing way to look at it,”

“That’s reality, dude,”

A silence falls over the two McLovin sighs. 

“Do you think anything’s gonna be the same after we go home?”

“Honestly? Not at all. I just don’t know if I can stay friends with you and Joner after everything. I’ll be alone, but maybe that won't be such a bad thing,” she says, kicking back and putting her feet on the table. “I’ll be putting myself first for once, anyway.”

“Well… I kinda understand. If that’s what you want, then that’s cool. I respect that,” McLovin says, saluting her. “I just wish we could’ve made up.”

“Sometimes that’s too much to ask. I wish you would’ve shown you’ve changed instead of just apologizing,” she stands, leaving her bowl behind half-empty and her former friend with a contemplative look on his face.

---

“Alright, campers!” Chris says, leading the two between a pair of wooden bleachers out in the forest. Michael and McLovin can see a track extending into the woods, and both know without saying that that’s where they’re heading next. “Time to welcome back the twenty losers who did not make it here with you today!”

The former competitors walk from the docks. McLovin waves to his friends, who merrily wave back. No one even looks at Michael as they pass to the bleachers. 

“Everyone who is not competing, please take a seat in the peanut gallery of failure! The side you choose should represent who you’re rooting for in the finale,” Chris says, directing the crowd to the bleachers behind him. Each has a large banner with either contestant's face on it. 

Sha-Mod and Courtney are the first to sit on McLovin’s side, followed shortly by just about everyone else. Only one person is sitting in Michael’s gallery. 

Max waves from the empty bleachers. Michael smiles and waves back. 

“Okay, a little surprising, but wow,” Chris says. “Can we get a few more volunteers to pity-join? Makes it more suspenseful.”

“Come on, guys!” McLovin yells to his supporters. “Michael is really… cool and nice and stuff!”

A few contestants raise eyebrows. He sighs. “Staci, Scruffy- um, the tall one- Peter, Kelly,”

Much to their annoyance (and McLovin’s surprise at having people actually listen to him) all of the selected losers get up and move without complaint. Michael rolls her eyes, but she still gives McLovin a slightly grateful look. 

Max hops down from the bleachers and runs over to her, ducking under Chef before he can stop him. “You got this, okay?” he says, holding her hands. 

Chris rolls his eyes and jabs a thumb in their direction, sending Chef over to collect him. Chef grabs Max by the back of his collar and drags him back to the stands. “I believe in you!” he yells before he’s promptly sat down. 

Frollo sits in the middle space between the bleachers on the ground, eternally reading his Bible. 

Chris walks over. “Um, dude, you gotta pick a side,”

He rolls his eyes. “Both of these players are sinners, and-”

Chef walks over, picks him up, and tosses him onto Michael’s side, the few losers already there ducking to avoid him as he shrieks and flies across the screen. 

“Go, MC!” Courtney shouts. 

“Yeah, go support the endless cog of capitalism!” Ass says sarcastically. Courtney smacks them upside the head. 

“McLovin, this is your chance to tell the peanut gallery what you would do with the money if you won,” Chris says, pointing at him. He smiles. 

“I’ve had a lot of time to think about it, and I finally chose just two things I’d want to do with the money,” he says. “First, I’d save half of it for art school and my future living expenses.”

Joner and Michael both raise an eyebrow. 

“And then with everything I have left, I would give everyone who competed on this show an even portion of the money. Including Michael!” 

Everyone aws at that, and everyone on Michael’s side aside from Max silently gets up and walks back over to McLovin’s. Even Frollo’s unconscious body slumps off the stands and rolls over to the other bleachers. Max groans and smacks his forehead. 

“Michael?”

“I would probably save most of it in a secure bank account for my future. And maybe get new skates,”

Everyone stares at her blankly. She sighs. 

“Alright, it’s time for the final challenge: the rejected Olympic relay race!” Chris shouts. “There are three parts: first, each of you has to put on one of these,” he smiles, holding a chicken hat in his right hand and a cow hat in his left. He hands one to each. “Dressed in your very special uniforms, you will run to the first location and shimmy up the pole to grab your flag. Next, you’ll cross a 300m balance beam suspended across a massive gorge while carrying an eagles egg. After is a long distance run back to this location. Whoever gets here first wins!”

The peanut galleries cheer as Michael and McLovin look at each other. 

“Good luck,” he says, adjusting his chicken hat. “You deserve to win.”

Michael stares. “I don’t need your pity,”

“Go, McLovin!” Sha-Mod shouts from the stands. 

“Kick her ass, MC!” Julia yells before a large rock from Michael’s bleachers hits her in the back of the head. She slumps onto Scruffy in the row below, unconscious. 

“Anyone else?!” Max yells from offscreen. 

“Ready!” Chris shouts, waving around a checkered flag. “Set? Go!”

McLovin and Michael start off, the latter in the lead. Michael reaches the flagpole first and takes a leaping jump to the base, scaling it with ease. 

The pencil arrives next and attempts to inch his way up the pole like a worm. “Use your freakishly long limbs!” Ass yells from the stands, still dizzy from Courtney's blow. 

McLovin whimpers and extends his arms higher, grabbing the flag at the same time Michael hops off. 

“How do I get down?!” he yells. 

“Figure it out! You got this!” Courtney yells back. 

McLovin frowns and jumps down, landing on his butt. The crowd winces. 

“Get up, dude!” Sha-Mod yells. “She’s not far ahead!”

Michael approaches the gorge and peers over the edge, where sharks are swimming in the water below the thin, rickety planks of wood. She swallows nervously but runs back around to the eagles nest behind her, grabbing an egg and hiding it in her parka before she begins to cross. 

McLovin follows, snatching an egg and holding it above his head while closing his eyes and screaming, running across the thin plank of wood. 

“You might wanna look where you’re going, dude!” Chris shouts. “Those eggs weren’t for nothing!”

A few campers catch up to the players, stopping behind Chris and looking around the skies nervously. 

Scruffy yells from the edge of the gorge. “McLovin, there are eagles! Huge eagles! And-” another rock hits them square in the temple and they fall backwards. Max tosses another stone from one hand to the other while glaring at the other losers. 

“What did they mean by-” Michael starts before a massive eagle swoops down and lunges for McLovin's exposed egg, talons extended. 

He barely manages to duck, but is thrown off-balance and wobbles around on one foot. The peanut gallery (now on their feet) gasps and watches in terror as he falls to his butt on the plank, but manages to keep himself out of the shark infested waters. 

Michael reaches the other side, pulling the egg out of its hiding place and setting in the nest on stable ground. She starts running again, McLovin (still shaking) not far behind. 

The track takes the two right through camp. “Almost there!” Max yells, one of the campers running behind the contestants. "You can do this! Remember-"

"I want to win!" Michael shouts back. Max nods her on.

“Come on, MC, you got this!” Sha-Mod shouts, a few steps behind Max. “This part is the easiest!”

As he says that, McLovin steps over a suspiciously elevated dirt mound and a huge explosion lets off behind him. 

“What was that?!” Michael shouts as another explosion sounds. 

“Oh, yeah, we had some leftover landmines!” Chris shouts into his megaphone from a safe distance. “Enjoy!”

“Jerk!” Michael snaps, narrowly dodging another massive landmine explosion that takes out the confessional booth.

"Watch out!" McLovin yells, pointing out various lumps of dirt ahead of her.

"I don't need your help!" she snaps back. "I'm not your pity case!"

"What is it gonna take for you to forgive me?!"

"Move. ON!" she shouts, speeding up ahead and jumping over every landmine visible. Another one explodes, sending McLovin backwards.

He screams in terror, covering his eyes and running blindly when he gets up. 

“Get a grip!” Ass yells from behind. “Stop being such a coward!”

“No!” he shouts back. 

Scary scoffs. “Why don’t you just let her win then, nice guy?!”

McLovin frowns, then glares. “NO! Everyone stop yelling, and stop telling me what to do!”

He opens his eyes and starts running faster, flat-out shoving Michael out of the way as the two approach the end of the race. She falls backwards, landing on her butt.

McLovin crosses the finish line, tearing the large red ribbon Chef and Chris are holding up. The peanut gallery cheers, surrounding him. Sha-Mod hugs him, lifting him up like he weighs nothing (which isn’t entirely inaccurate) and McLovin laughs. 

“I won! I won!” McLovin says. “All by myself!”

Ass opens their mouth to say something and Courtney promptly shoves them backwards. Julia, now barely conscious and rubbing her head in the peanut gallery, points and laughs. 

“McLovin wins! McLovin wins!” Chris shouts. “Jeez, who could’ve seen this coming!”

Chef rolls his eyes and shakes his head, dropping the ribbon and walking off. 

Max manages to squeeze through the crowd and run over to Michael. He helps her off the ground and gives her a hug. “I’m so proud of you!”

“What?” she asks, slightly dazed but still smiling. “But I didn’t win!”

“Yeah, but, you tried, and you didn’t die out there,” he says. “And besides, you got what you came here for anyway.”

She raises an eyebrow. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah,” Max smiles, pulling her in for a kiss. 

“Money! Money! Money!” McLovin’s crowd cheers. 

“About twenty three thousand dollars split twenty-one ways but still good!” Courtney chants along with the group. 

Sha-Mod holds up a finger as McLovin smiles. “Twenty five thousand! I don’t need any extra money, I got my best boyfriend here,”

Joner smiles. “I think you mean bromate, dude,”

“Nah,” Sha-Mod says, leaning on McLovin’s shoulder. “Bromate’s platonic.”

The crowd continues stirring with excitement as Michael walks past, hand-in-hand with Max. She smiles and gives one last wave to McLovin, who waves back, before the two part ways. 

---

“Here we are at the last TTI bonfire ceremony ever,” Chris says, smiling at the entire cast as they sit around the pit. “After eight brutal weeks of torture, infections, and drama, our season winner is McLovin!”

The campers cheer, patting McLovin on the back until he gets patted too hard by Patrick and falls forward. Sha-Mod helps him back to his seat. 

“McLovin, the final marshmallow,” Chris grins, tossing him the treat. He misses it and it smacks him in the forehead, sending him backwards this time. Sha-Mod helps him up again. “A symbol of prosperity. Treasure it for the rest of your life.”

“I will,” McLovin says, holding it to his heart as he places his free hand over Sha-Mod’s. 

Michael rolls her eyes with a smile and turns back to Max, who rests his head on her shoulder. 

“Twenty five thousand isn’t bad for last place,” Fren says, kicking back. 

Staci (now bleach blonde, thanks to Kelly’s handiwork) shrugs as she sits between their two friends. “Better than nothing,”

“At least we got a right groovy finale, baby!” Austin says, patting her on the back. “Great season, baby!”

“Thank you, Austin,” Chris says smugly. “And to all you viewers at home- thank you for supporting us here at Total Takes Island! We all hope you had a good time watching these teens fight to the death, and we can’t wait to see you next season!”

Everyone turns to him. “NEXT SEASON?!”

[icouldntthinkofabetternamesook]

The Magnus Archives #3-Across the Street

This one is disturbing. There was no place to rest your sanity and the monster is truly fucked up. Introducing the Not-Them and I’m glad it was Tim doing research rather than Sacha or I might not have been able to take it. Tim is wooing filling clerks and using company funds for dubiously legal reasons. I respect that.

Hearing Jon again is startling I fucking jumped when Jonathan started talking again. I think that Johnny Simms is such an amazing voice actor. It's objectively the same voice and yet they sound completely different. We get an entire episode of Amy Patel and you almost forget that Jon the Archivist is even there. And then he speaks and it's a shock to the system. The play between the statement and the present and how the plot meanders through both. Something other than Jonatahn is driving the statements. We just don’t know what yet.

Amy

Amy Patel gave her statement in 2007. Nathan and Joshua were relatively normal people, you could grapes on to their normalcy in bizarre situations. Amy on the other hand is just bizarre. Amy is a watching creeper. Amy has serial killer vibes. This might be early infection signs from the table but she might just be like that.

She has the inherent fear of a man alone with a woman, not wanting him to know where she lives. A sadly all to rational fear. Even if the table hadn't turned out to be a much more intense monster, Amy being lured into a stranger house while partially concussed could very well have been the entirety of a statement. But the writers go far above and beyond that laying fear over fear for a deep slowburn of terror.

Once the monster is there it stares back at her. Before that she stares at Graham, a silent yet willing witness to his slow death. She is vitcim, witness and perpetrator. It is only because of her Graham is remembered at all. She takes part in hurting him and does not try to save him. She is a victim of something much greater and stranger. There is not the option of being only one thing. To live in this world means being a small part of a much larger system. You are both above and below the horrors happening. What you can never be is safe.

Graham

Not-Them spent years watching and waiting before striking. Graham has been living under the influence of the table for so long and it has wrapped him to only barely be human by the time we meet him. There were times I wasn’t sure if he’d been replaced by something else already or if he was just like that. This man eats his notebooks. So many notebooks. He is alone and aimless with no one to balance him or native him going missing.

He feels almost like a direct response to Joshua last episode. Joshua managed to keep the artifact in his house for a year and keep it together without being consumed. Graham kept it together year after year but it did him no good. Just keeping it in proximity chips away at him piece by piece till he’s scattered and worn down to near nothing. We saw a triumph only for it to be followed by a situation where you cannot win.

Not-Them

Not-Them will go on to become a major problem in this series and they are the scariest monster yet. Stalking Graham for years in a variety of forms. Mimicking things seen just out of the corner of your eye. The monster doesn’t move so much as your perception of it changes from place to place, never able to trust your perception. Coming from the table Graham brought into his life, one of the few things authentically driven by joy, ultimately destroying every trace of him except an uncaring womens memory and few old polaroids .

This is the first time  we’ve seen the monster succeed thus far. Nathan avoided getting pulled in. Joshua outlasted the monster and got off scot free. Graham dies. Amy would probably have died if she hadn't ran. Not-Them destroys Graham piece by piece and then torments Amy for months. Not-Graham destroys the note books, the thing that Graham was using to keep himself safe, the thing that kept him anchored to an increasingly small definition of humanity.

The journals want you to keep watching. Keep watching, keep watching, keep watching. Is it Graham, trying to keep the monster away? Is it a message to Amy, fueling her fear? Is it what the table says, pulling you deeper and deeper? Is it a message to Jon, the eventual ceaseless watcher? Perhaps it's for the audience, who will keep watching all the suffering till the very end.

Keep watching.

[pineforphantompain]

2023 Drama Year in Review

For me, this was a pretty good year (drama watching wise). I don't watch a lot these days, but I'm really working on finishing things and not feeling like I have to watch everything, or the most popular shows. I'm sure I missed some good ones this year (and I'll always accept recs), but at least I no longer start too many only to leave them all on-hold.

Movies first:

The Houseguest of My Mother (2007) Rating: 6.5/10

(J) Pale Moon (2014) Rating: 7.0/10

Hero (2022) Rating: 8.0/10

Office (2015) Rating: 6.5/10

Dream (2023) I just watched this for the cast, but it turned out to be rather entertaining too. Not something I’d likely revisit, though. Rating: 7.5/10

The Legendary Courtesan Hwang Jin Yi (2007) Kind of disappointed by this one. I do think that I would prefer a drama version of this story though so I still intend to watch that eventually. Rating: 7.0/10

A Girl at My Door (2014) Rating: 6.5/10

Poetry (2010) Best of the year. Rating: 8.5/10

Don’t Cry, Mommy (2012) This one just fell flat for me. As a film it is quite weak, but it is obvious that entertainment and artistic value were not the priority, it was mostly just about pointing to an issue and it did exactly that. Rating: 5.5/10

Now onto dramas, beginning with the two carry-overs from last year

Money Heist Part 2 (2022) 2/6 eps previously watched Rating: 7.5/10

Green Mothers’ Club (2022) 5/16 eps previously watched Rating: 7.5/10

The Good Bad Mother (2023) 14/14 eps watched Rating: 8.5/10

Race (2023) 12/12 watched Yes, it was boring, but I liked it. The ending was kind of a mess though. Rating: 8.5/10

Lies Hidden in My Garden (2023) 8/8 watched Ending was underwhelming, but I like Kim Tae Hee and this is exactly the kind of drama I will always be interested in watching. Rating: 8.0/10

Bitch x Rich (2023) Style over substance. Watchable, but unremarkable. Rating: 7.5/10

Lady Durian (2023) 16/16 watched I only got about halfway through when it was airing, but I returned and managed to finish (on New Year’s Eve). I found it mostly fun to watch. Not a fan of the ending at all and I doubt it’s one that will stick with me forever, but it was a reasonably enjoyable viewing experience and I’m glad I pushed through to complete this one last drama for the year. Rating: 7.5/10

And now for older dramas I watched this year

Kaibutsu (2013) (Drama Special) 1/1 watched For something that is so obviously supposed to be thought provoking I have absolutely no thoughts about it. I don’t have any significant enough complaints to give a low rating, but I do not care. Rating: 7.0/10

Hana Kimi Remake (2011) 4/11 previously watched Hana Kimi is always good. No surprise it's my favourite watch of the year. Some aspects were even better than the 2007 version. Unfortunately Sano is so bland here and the romance so uncompelling it drags down an otherwise great viewing experience. (Oguri Shun is the only Sano I actually enjoy watching - this one is a just a beige wall wet blanket of a man giving blank stares and then sometimes randomly yelling). I will almost certainly watch again, but probably skip through some scenes. Overall I’d say this is on par with the Taiwanese version. Rating: 8.5/10

Little Mom Scandal 2 (2008) 8/8 watched I started this many years ago (so long ago that I hadn’t tracked progress in mdl yet) and thought I had watched about half of the second part. Finally returned to make sure I’d finished it this year. I could have done without the icky romanticized age-gap romance and it did lose its way a little toward the end. Overall, I did like a lot about it and it is pretty Age of Youth-esque in some ways. Rating: 8.0/10

And lastly, the one drama I started and haven’t finished yet

Flower Boy Ramen Shop (2011) 8/16 watched Sometimes you just need a little early 2010s tvn romcom. I do intend to pick it back up when I’m in that mood again. There is too much toilet talk for my taste and the romance is… yikes (as expected), but it is very entertaining.

2023 goals review: ✅

5/5 dramas watched at least

1+ from this year

1/1 jdrama

1/1 drama completed from the backlog

3+/3 movies

The lesson here is that I should stick to easy non-specific goals and so my 2024 plans are:

Watch 3 movies

Watch 5 dramas again including at least:

1 new drama

1 pre-2010 drama

2 from on-hold