#I thought this said something very important about our personalities because Ada has a happy ending

[theabigailthorn]

Love your work! I was wondering (because you book recs are always amazing), what are your favourite books of all time?

Ada by Vladimir Nabokov

[loveisalwaystheanswer]

Honestly speaking I came to the conclusion that all the other Shelby family members are selfish. I might get tons of hate for this but I don't care.

If you look at S1, all of them depends on Tommy to make decisions and money. It seems that most of the family members ignore (yes i say it) that Tommy has trauma. It's seems like they prioritise the other brothers rather then Tommy. So I believe it instantly when Tommy falls for Grace because for the first time, Tommy found someone who is equal and he can lean on emotionally.

Fast forward to S3 onwards, it seems like everyone in the Shelby family could not give a crap about what Tommy is feeling or planning because everything goes haywire. They blame him for things that happen when Tommy is the one who brought them out of the gutter. I wouldn't be surprised if Tommy did not choose to speak on how important Grace is to him as no one bothers to ask or ask about his mental state. (Except Ada) I feel like that why they ignore Grace's presence.

But the irony is that if Grace was alive, she would be the only one who could "tame" Tommy and they prob would have a happy ending.

Just my thoughts....

Hello, anon!

We're all free to have our own opinions and express them. I try to keep my blog a hate free zone. As my friend once said to me, 'art is subjective', so...

I'm adamant that Tommy has too many responsibilities for one man. He's the father of the family and this is completely unhealthy, given that he's not even the oldest and he has his own life. There's A LOT of problems with separation. Their lives are intertwined and no one can see their boundaries clearly. But they're all responsible for their choices. Any of the other Shelbys could've chosen to live on their own, if they'd liked to. Neither Arthur, nor Ada, nor John or Polly enjoy their family lifestyle. (Do you remember that in the beginning of s4 Polly wanted to leave the company, but at the end of the season she's with Tommy all the same, I still don't know why). But they decided to stay and be dependent on Tommy. Why? I'd dare to say that MAYBE they want more money and stability. Even Ada shelved her old beliefs and couldn't resist the temptation. Sometimes I have the feeling that they see Tommy only as their boss.

Considering all of the above, they rarely care about him as a close person. I think Polly is the only one since Grace's death who is capable of seeing him just as a human being, not the head of the company. In s1 she says 'Christ knows you've had your fill of war' and 'Not a single man came back the same'. Maybe she doesn't identify it as a trauma, but she's fully aware of the impact the war had on him.

In the times of s1 the family was highly motivated. They all needed to keep their heads above water and get out of the pit of poverty. In s2 they already have a lot of money and their own houses and at that moment they all could have quit, but they didn't. And yes, I do believe they had a choice.

I don't think they're selfish, they love him and even care about him... sometimes, it's more like they lack empathy and simple interest. Not that he shows much interest in their feelings... but I'm not here today to dig another pit for him. Yes, Tommy's feelings are hidden behind a very high and almost impenetrable wall. But nobody wants to ask him "are you ok, Tommy?". He slogs his guts out and everyone takes it for granted. In my opinion, he doesn't owe them anything, but I suppose it's has something to do with the times they live in and they have to stay close to each other in order to survive.

Initially Grace had to get close to him, but as events unfold, she wants to know more about him as a person, not the leader of the gang. She's probably the only one who doesn't want anything from him (except his forgiveness). He understands that and maybe that's why he feels more emotionally relaxed when he's with her.

In s3 Polly says 'We need him back' because they all depend on him. Alas, I can't find the interview, in which Cillian says that at the end of s3 Tommy begins to doubt the family was worth of all his efforts to give them a better life, and that sounds quite reasonable. Tommy cuts off any possibility to talk about what happened at the dinner and it's understandable. He really needs to talk about her death and the only person he could talk to about his feelings is Grace. But Grace is dead. Isn't it funny? The irony is too heavy. But my main complaints were mostly about post-s3 times. The whole family is like 'Grace is dead. So what? Not a big deal.' And it makes me think that probably none of them knew how deep Tommy's feelings for Grace run. I always had high hopes for Polly as the most shrewd member of the family and she definitely should've known what Grace's death means to Tommy. And one of the most important things that none of them thought of is how relentless, how insatiable for power and control Tommy can/will become without Grace. It's been said before me SO many times and I don't wanna sound like a broken record. I'll just say that in fact she's been used and forgotten. Grace's name is a taboo word. I've said this before, but I'll repeat that even none of the antagonists use the memory of her to make Tommy emotionally unstable and therefore overcome him. Her death is a turning point in the narrative, and yet there's not much about it or her. Like I said, she's a vacuum, and none the Shelbys acknowledge her existence, especially verbally.

Yes, Grace is the key to his heart. She had the ability to "tame" Tommy. She could soothe his pain and calm his inner demons. I will believe till my last breath that if Tommy and Grace had ended up together at the end of s1, they would've had their happy ending. And they lived happily ever after. John would've been alive too. And maybe even Michael. *sobs on the floor* (this is too much to handle)

TL;DR You're so bloody right, anon! Extra points for the courage to express, as I think, a VERY unpopular opinion! And some for me too, because I just wrote the fuckin essay.

thank you! xx

[redwineconversation]

Olympique lyonnais Behind the Scenes (Episode 2)

Blah blah standard disclaimers apply; @OL Comms Dept a PSL or a decent bottle of Sauvignon Blanc would do nicely xoxo; parasocial relationships are cause to be banned from stadiums (maybe then y'all will finally fucking LEARN); y'all know the speech.

Personally I thought Episode 1 was better but once I've committed to doing something I have to see it through, so now I am stuck with the Behind the Scenes for the rest of the season. That being said, it still has the format of a proper documentary, Lyon players are still explaining why the team is the way it is, and sometimes life is just about compromise. They've just talked about more interesting things in the past.

To know this team is to understand them. This is how you get to that.

OLYMPIQUE LYONNAIS BEHIND THE SCENES - EPISODE 2

Perle Morroni: Get it started? Oh, you want to do the clap? [claps] Clap.

[Laura Benkarth laughing]

[Ada Hegerberg laughing]

Morroni: Hello to everybody. We're continuing the narration of our season on OLPlay. Focus on the month of October.

[game footage from PSG - OL game and postgame celebrations]

Laura Benkarth: It was an important win. I think we played a good game, but we also know that it's, yeah, not the end. Of course it's nice to win but with the play-offs, the league changed. So, yeah, we have a lot of work to do.

Morroni: There are other teams who are progressing, but to already beat PSG, that does us a lot of good. It gave us good energy. Obviously we're confident, but we're cautious as well. We know there's a lot of work to do because the season is going to be very long.

[game footage from Lyon - Bordeaux]

Morroni: Yeah, obviously, the game against Bordeaux was a good moment, we were back with our supporters, on our pitch.

[game footage cont'd]

Benkarth: They told me on Thursday, I think, that I would play and yeah, of course I was really happy to get the opportunity to play, and to have the trust of the coach and the team. For me it was a nice feeling to be on the pitch with the team, and also of course, in a home game, and yeah, to get a win together, it was a really nice day. I enjoyed just the whole day and also enjoyed the game.

[game footage cont'd]

Benkarth: It was more like a calm evening for me, but the team did really good, they defend well.

Morroni: There was nothing but positives. No, actually, it was a bit difficult in the beginning. But afterwards everything fell into place, everyone felt good whether it was offensively or defensively, so we were aligned with what we wanted to do.

[game footage cont'd]

Morroni: Kadi[diatou Diani], she scored her first goal. What Kadi needs, I think, it's to score goals, to feel like she is important for the team. So we're happy for her and we hope it will continue. I'm sure it will continue.

Hegerberg: I think that starting well, making the forward start scoring from the start, it's really important for not only the individual but also the collective. We will really need that confidence for what's to come.

[game footage cont'd]

Hegerberg: [laughs] The war machine has warmed up, that's for sure. I stay really concentrated on my job, on the first touch on the ball, how to quickly integrate oneself in the game when you enter a match. And just little by little, get the rhythm back, have fun most of all when starting a new season with the team. You hope it's going to be a great season. So I was really happy to be back.

[game footage cont'd]

Hegerberg: I always try to move between the [midfield and forward] lines, find the small spaces. It's not always easy when you're playing against a low block, but you always have to move, be ready to get the ball. There's a lot of mental work as well before you come on. Vicki [Becho] releases the ball for me. I think it comes down to pure instinct, to do the act you've done 1,000 times, and not think in the moment. Work is just that, it's in the preparation.

Hegerberg: I would say that scoring creates a lot of adrenaline. And it's pure joy, I would say.

Morroni: She was doing great all week, we could tell her form was great. And that translated into scoring in the game. One shot, one goal, I think that's right? That's Ada.

[game footage cont'd]

Hegerberg: After Bordeaux, we worked all week ahead of a big derby.

[training footage]

Wendie Renard [interview during practice]: I think it's really important. When we're really young it's drilled into us that we have to beat ASSE. There's a rivalry between the two cities. You have to be tough. In those types of games, you have to play a bit ugly. Most importantly, you have to win. But in a derby, what matters is efficiency. We've showed in our last games that we are efficient, even if I think we can improve a lot in that.

[training footage cont'd; game footage begins]

Benkarth: Yeah, they told me about the derby, that it's really important to win this. And like I said, the color green is forbidden in Lyon.

Morroni: If you come [to practice] wearing green, the players will heckle you and say you won't be let in. So we know that green here is, well, banned. So we know that we have to give everything in this derby.

[game footage cont'd]

Morroni: We're starting to understand each other better as a team, we know each other better. We have great players whose chemistry really came out in that game. I think it was one of the most complete matches up to this point.

[game footage cont'd]

Hegerberg: Yes, Eugenie [Le Sommer] has had a great start to the season where she is full of confidence thanks to the goals. That's also important for the team. She's in a really good space.

[game footage cont'd]

Morroni: Obviously we were worried, we saw Wendie - even if we know she is tough, but when there is a tackle like that that comes in, unfortunately you can't do anything about it. And that scares you, because when you look at the video, you can see it twist. But yeah, Wendie is strong, really strong, and she recovered quickly, so knock on wood, everything is better now.

[game footage cont'd]

Morroni: We beat ASSE but more importantly we went back to first place. For that to happen we had to score a lot of goals because on the other hand Paris FC was scoring a lot in their games. We had to set the pace.

[game footage cont'd]

Hegerberg: Lindsey [Horan] has always been important in the team, ever since she arrived. She runs a lot, even if we don't realize it. But she also has that capability of combining play, and here we saw she could finish as well. So that's a big, big plus for the team.

[game footage cont'd]

Hegerberg: I can't say enough about the importance of fans. For me, sport is nothing without supporters. I'm afraid I am repeating myself, but we need all of our fans. And I think to have that relationship with people who come to the game, who take the time, who pay, I think it's important to have those relations with them. I think we have to remember of the basics, where we came from, why we have supporters. They're a part of the sport with us. I think it will be a waste to lose that connection. Of course it remains a professional connection. But we can't forget the family aspect, a human connection. I think that must be the basis of women's football in the future as well. You see it especially with the younger generation when they get inspired when we're in front of them. That's something that's really important to me and that's a little bit why I play football as well, because it creates special connections.

[UWCL draw footage]

Hegerberg: Each year I'm really eager for the draw for the Champions League, because it's a special competition.

[UWCL draw footage cont'd]

Benkarth: I think we got a good group for us. We don't have a really highlight[ed] game against a big, big club. But it's not possible for us to think "oh it's an easy group, we'll do it easily." We have to be focused. But I think we could have gotten worse.

Morroni: They're teams that are pretty hard to play against, I know them a little. The weather conditions won't make it easy either, not in the middle of November, December, January. Those won't be easy games.

Hegerberg: It's always nice to play in your home country, to play the Champions League at mine, you could say. Norwegians don't see every Lyon game, for example, so to bring the team to Norway, to show them - I hope - a good game, that's something I want to do.

[Stade de Reims game footage]

Morroni: The Reims game? For Reims, we studied them really well. Before we played them they were the only European team along with us not to have conceded any goals. So they're a pretty solid team, full of confidence. We approach every game the same way, staying true to our principles, always respect the opponent.

[game footage cont'd]

Hegerberg: What's always good when we play Reims it's we play in a really nice, big stadium. I really appreciate that, it must be said.

[game footage cont'd]

Benkarth: Yes of course, you always want to play with a clean sheet as a goalkeeper. We didn't manage it this game, especially it was a mistake from myself, and I was really disappointed after the game of course. And even as a goalkeeper, if you don't have a lot to do as you said, and you only have one shot and you make a mistake, you're like "shit, I can't even repair it or help the team in other ways." But that's a part of [being] a goalkeeper. If you do a mistake, 90 percent of the situations it's a goal and you have to deal with it. If a striker or a midfielder do 10 passes to the opponent, it's maybe not that bad because you can repair it. But if you do a mistake as a goalkeeper, it's a goal, and that's the game.

Benkarth: I was not happy with this game. Obviously I was happy that I can play again, but of course not with the goal. But the team did really good and we scored more goals, so we won.

[game footage cont'd]

Hegerberg: [about Melchie Dumornay] She's an amazing girl, you could say. She has a willingness to learn. She's young, she has enormous capabilities, physically, technically. But she has the goal to always do better, and that's the most important thing when you're a player. To always do more. That's what I did when I came to Lyon, I tried to learn as much as possible from the more experienced players. So Melchie is having a really good start to the season but we know she can develop much more. So I think there's work to be done in terms of the collective, maximize the relations with the players. She's starting really strongly.

[game footage cont'd]

Hegerberg: I would say for the October recap, it's perfect games. We got as many points as possible, we scored a lot of goals, we were off to a good start. We still have very high expectations, we always want more. That's important in the relations of the team, we can always do more. For me that's very positive, because when you start well, it's easier to be more demanding of yourself. You can enjoy working more on the details if you're more demanding of yourself when it's going well. It can only go better as the season progresses because we know there are some big games coming up and we have to be on top of our abilities and play to the max when the big games take place.

[shadyteacup]

Hello! If you’re free, I was wondering if I could have a request where 15y/o Dazai meets his future s/o which he feels comfortable around them and has good impression abt them. Like he’s wandering somewhere and suddenly run into them. They have a chitchat abt their thoughts on something and have fun talking to each other. Then leave and meet again when he joins ADA. (s/o is a weird kind of person, like out of this world)

I’m not an English speaker so sorry for my terrible English y-y. Btw, i love your writings!!💟

This is such an amazing idea! I had fun writing this! And dw, your English is spectacular ♡ Enjoy, dove!

Dazai Osamu x gn! Reader||Reader has a time traveling ability

Timeless

You were a time traveler. Your ability allowed you to visit places from different timelines. The only drawback was that you aged no matter where you were, even if you were using your ability. This meant that if you wanted to enjoy the present, you had to ensure that you didn't spend much time in the past. You couldn't visit the future.

But that was okay. You loved finding out the root of all problems. That's why you joined the ada. Your ability helped them to identify who the perpetrator was. You would travel in the past and be there at the crime scene at the right time. Then you'd come back and reveal important information like the hiding place of the murder weapon, or if they had been looking at the wrong suspect all along.

You were currently investigating the death of a businessman. His body had turned up near the docks. It was highly decomposed, and probably atleast 2 years dead. You decided to travel 2 years into the past, and made your way to the docks. While searching for the potential crime scene, you bumped into someone. A mop of brown hair stood a few steps ahead of you. The boy wore bandages all over his arms and neck, and had an eye covered. Judging by the absence of any outline of his eye on the bandage that covered it, and the lack of moisture, his eye probably wasn't injured at all. He was probably only wearing bandages to appear weak. But this was just an assumption on your part.

"Ah, I'm so sorry, boy. I didn't see you there!"

He looked at you with a dead look in his eye, then gave you the fakest smile to ever exist.

"It's alright. May I ask what you are doing at a place like this?"

You were taken aback by his cold demeanor. It reminded you a lot of your own self.

"I'm here to investigate a death."

You said. His eyes darkened at your words.

"You see, the body will be discovered two years later. No tangible evidence will be recovered, then. So I must find something useful here, now."

The boy smirked.

"Time traveling ability?"

You smiled.

"Yup."

His smirk dropped and he glared at you.

"I see. This is a dangerous adventure, dear. You might get caught in a string of trouble, one that might lead you to harm."

The boy's aura and dark look had made you suspicious about his employers, but now you were certain that he worked for the mafia.

"Don't worry. I'm pretty positive that the murder wasn't committed by someone from the mafia."

His surprise was momentary, but obvious. It caught your eye.

"Before you ask, no, I don't know your future self. Also, the method of the crime doesn't match the mafia's M.O."

He nodded, thinking.

"Well in that case, I don't think you and I should be enemies."

He chirped, a happy look on his face.

You were taken aback by the sudden change in his mood.

"Sure, kid."

You said, patting his shoulder and walking away, trying to find the crime scene. The area was littered with compartments and shipment goods. It all looked so similar, almost like a maze.

"Hey, kiddo, can you lend me a hand?"

He blinked in confusion.

"Um. Sure."

He was confused as to why you weren't afraid of him. You clearly knew he was from the mafia, but you still acted so casually around him. It made him think that you either represented somebody powerful, or worked for an influential employer.

You rummaged through your pocket, trying to find the picture. Handing him the the snap of the crime scene, you observed him as he peered into the paper.

"This way."

He said, walking between two cargo containers, and leading the way.

"I never got your name, boy."

He shrugged, peering at you over his shoulder.

"Does it really matter?"

You mimicked him, raising your shoulders in a lazy shrug.

"Maybe, maybe not. But I'd like to call you something other than 'boy'."

He hummed in thought.

"How about 'knight in shining armour'?"

You scoffed.

"I get the whole 'I'm helping you, so I'm a knight' thing, but I'm no damsel in distress."

He smirked.

"Oh? And what if I were to abandon you here? What would you do?"

You smirked.

"I'd find my way on my own. I don't need you, eye-patch."

He grinned at you smugly, stopping in his tracks and moving towards you. He leaned in, his face almost touching yours.

"And what if I were to overpower you, hmm? What would you do then?"

You shuffled closer to him, much to his surprise. You whispered near his ear.

"I'll ensure that you'll never be able to have kids."

Pushing him back, you snatched the picture from his palm, and continued searching for the location. He was astonished at your bravery. He always comes across as intimidating, and that was putting it mildly. You were very courageous.

Following you like a lost puppy, he watched you hide behind a bunch of wooden crates.

You patted the space next to you, beckoning him to sit there.

"The show's about to start, eye-patch."

You took out your camera and were ready to click.

That's when two men, clad in expensive suits walked over. One of them was explaining something to the other.

You began clicking a few snaps.

The guy who was observing, turned his back on the other for a second. That's when he brandished his knife and plunged it into the other's back. You were furiously tapping away on the camera's button, determined to get every detail of proof.

The victim suffered atleast 50 stabwounds, 53 to be exact, when the killer decided to stop and hide the body. You snapped every single second of the ordeal.

When the killer left the crime scene, the two of you got up, and dusted your clothes.

"Do you have any plans after this?"

He asked you.

"Well, not really. I was planning to grab a drink, maybe something to eat, before heading back."

You said.

"Or heading 'ahead', since I'm going to the future. I don't even know."

Dazai nodded his head.

"How about I treat you to a drink?"

You eye him suspiciously.

"I have no reason to harm you. You literally don't belong here, so I've got no reason to hurt you."

You hum in acknowledgement.

"Okay then. Lead the way."

....

"How old are you?"

He asked, swirling his drink in his glass.

"A few years older than you."

"Cryptic."

"Intrusive."

"Touche."

"You have so many questions, don't you, eye-patch. "

Dazai hummed, taking a sip.

"Consider me intruiged by your... ability."

He turned in his bar stool to face you.

"Why didn't you prevent it from happening?"

"Because if I break the flow of time, or even mess with it, everything will go haywire."

"And if you were able to prevent it, without disrupting the flow of time, would you have intervened?"

You gaze at your own glass.

"I would do some heavy research before I make my decision."

Dazai was curious. Did you not want to save people?

"Everybody has a reason for murder. Nobody wakes up one day and decides to kill someone. I'll dig into their lives and find out why the killer did it. And I'll decide whether or not preventing the murder would save an innocent life, or harm many others in the future."

"So, in short, you intend to play God."

You chuckled.

"If given the power, who in their right mind would turn down the offer? Everybody wants to play God. Our entire society is built that way. The one who has more money, more power, more influence, has the right to play God to those beneath them."

Dazai found you very interesting. The way you viewed the world was so unique. You were a textbook 'good person' but could easily become the 'bad guy' if given the resources. Good or bad doesn't really matter to him, he finds the difference between the two very confusing.

"Doesn't that make you, and everybody who has power, a "bad" person?"

You chuckled.

"Funny coming from a mafioso."

Downing the rest of your drink, you answer his question.

"The distinction between good and bad is so distorted. The same set of actions can be termed as good for certain circumstances, and bad for others. The villain is always the hero when you try to see the world through his shoes, and the hero is always the villain for those supporting the so called 'bad guy' ."

"I agree. I don't care about what's 'good' or 'bad' ,either."

"Then what do you follow?"

"What do you mean?"

"There must be some set of rules that you abide by. What are they?"

"I.. Don't have any. I'm a free bird!"

You tap your chin in thought.

"One must have something to fall back on when they don't know what to do. Something to blindly follow. For example, I follow a set of rules created by my morals and values. When I don't  know how to proceed, I remember them and act accordingly. "

Dazai observed you as you spoke, absorbing every single syllable that floated out if your luscious lips. He was attracted towards opinionated, strong and focused people. He adores the look on people's faces when they speek about their passions, and express their opinions on matters. Even if he disagreed with them, the fact that they have a strong reasoning behind their actions, and the way they calmly portray their points so skillfully, makes him like them more.

The way you were effortlessly articulating your inner thoughts was something that he was fascinated by. He had so much going on inside, so much turmoil, that it was impossible for him to express it out in words. But you seem to be so sorted and disciplined. He loved that about you.

"You'll get there someday, eye-patch. Don't worry. "

You comforted, smiling at the young man.

He smiled back at you. For the first time that day, he had given you a genuine smile.

"You should smile more. It suits you."

He blushed at your words. It was a weird feeling for him. He didn't understand why his face was heating up, or why his ears felt like they were on fire.

Flicking your wrist to check the time, you sighed.

"Well, time to leave."

Dazai held your wrist as you were about to get up.

"Wait!"

You looked at him quizzically.

"Will we meet again?"

You tilted your head and smiled at him.

" I can't say for sure, but I do hope that we do."

With that, he watched you walk out of the bar. He only respected Odasaku. But now, he respected you, too.

....

Time skip to a few weeks later.

....

"L/N san, please get yourself together, we're expecting a new member to join us, soon."

You laid on the couch of the ada as Kunikida rambled on about how everyone must be in their best behavior to greet their newest member. Yosano was handling most of it, so Ranpo and you had no work to do.

"Yes, yes, Doppo. Also, it's Y/N."

You said, stretching your arms above your head.

"Y/N kun, you need to try this new type of cookie. It has two different flavors!"

Ranpo said, offering you a cookie from his bag.

You smile at him, accepting it.

"Yum!"

"I know, right!"

"Ranpo san, Y/N san! Please come here! Our newest member has arrived!"

Both of you lazily got up and strolled over to the front of the office.

"What is the big deal, Doppo-"

You stopped mid sentence when you saw the person standing at the doorway.

"Eye-patch!"

Dazai's eyes widened when he saw you, the one person who had managed to intruige him other than his deceased friend, standing in the office. The office where he was to work at, today onwards.

"Damsel!"

He said, pointing at you.

You scoffed at his choice of nickname.

"Ha! I knew your eye was fine!"

"Do you both know each other?"

Kunikida asked.

"Ofcourse they do. They met a long time ago, right, Dazai?"

Ranpk said, muching on his sweets. Ofcourse, he figured it out.

"Well, not that long ago for me."

You smiled.

Dazai had finally met you. He was elated.

"I'm glad we met again."

"Don't worry, eye-patch, we have a lot of time to catch up. ;)"

[oddshelbyout]

His Gift // John Shelby X Fem!Reader

Summary: It’s your birthday and you’re celebrating withe the Shelbys. Polly and Ada spoils John’s surpise gift for you.

Word Count: 2289

Warnings: Swearing

Author’s Note:

I’m sure you want to say “Enough Marianne, you only write for John.” but I just can’t hold myself back. Writing John fics are better than daydreaming about him, a fictional dead character.

If you’re looking for a friends to lovers fluff, this is it and I hope you enjoy it.

English is not my first language and I’m not always confident about my work amd don’t edit so please let me know if I make any mistakes or if there’s anything I can fix in my writing.

You can ask to be added to my taglist. You can be tagged to works on a specific character or just any of my works. Please dm me or send your wish to my ask box if you’d like to be added.

Requests are open. You can request any Peaky Blinders related prompts/plots for me write. I’m a minor so I don’t take NSFW requests, please keep that in mind.

———————

Birthdays in the Shelbys were never a big deal. Polly, Arthur and Thomas didn’t even know the exact day of their birth. There were never any celebrations. That fact was what made that day so important.

It was your 25th birthday. Birthdays weren’t a big deal in your family either but at least they were celebrated or they used to be.

Your mother had passed away a year ago and it would be your first birthday without any family members present. They were all already dead but it wasn’t a huge deal because the grief didn’t hold you captive for long.

John, your best friend couldn’t let you spend your birthday alone so he arranged a birthday dinner for you. All the Shelbys would be there, your family. You had known them your entire life and your relationship only grew stronger.

It would be at your own home but you knew the setting wouldn’t make much difference. Polly and Ada had come early to help you cook. You had a whole family to feed.

You were filled with joy. You knew celebrating birthdays was a foreign thing to the Shelbys. Knowing that made you feel extremely cared for.

“Is Tommy going to be here?” you asked while chopping some carrots. Thomas Shelby had been like an older brother for you. Even though you didn’t see him much these days, you still liked to believe you hadn’t lost your connection to him.

“I’m not sure.” Ada mumbled, “He’s been really busy.” you just nodded to her explanation. You wouldn’t take it personally if he hadn’t showed up.

“Maybe Michael will show up as his substitute.” you giggled. Ada giggled with you too. “Don’t make fun of my boy will you!” Polly said strongly. You knew she was just joking just like she knew you were.

“Alright Pol.” Ada said, she couldn’t stop giggling. Polly was tired of you giggling like children while cooking. “Please tell me you have enough drinks Y/N.” Polly said after turning her back to you and heading towards the table to pour herself some wine.

“Of course I do Pol.” you rolled your eyes since she couldn’t see you. “Don’t roll your eyes at me Miss.” Polly said. Ada couldn’t hold herself back from laughing.

“Nothing slips away from you does it?” Ada asked Polly while she sat down on the chair slowly. Polly had given up on cooking, left you and Ada to take care of it.

“So everyone will be here?” you asked once again, trying to be sure you’ll have everyone you love with you on that day. “Of course dear.” Polly let out, “You are our dearest Y/N.” Ada supported her aunt’s words.

It felt so good knowing the people around you genuinely loved you back. Them accepting you as a Shelby even though you were not in the family by blood or marriage was the best thing that happened to you.

They were all so special to you but the most special was John. He was your best friend, the one you shared all your secrets with. Except one special secret because it was about him only.

You liked him, fuck it, you loved him and not in a friendly way. You didn’t know if that counted as a secret because he couldn’t be dumb enough to not notice that.

“When do you think John will be here?” you asked, Polly sighed. You looked at Ada and then Polly, neither said anything. “You’re keeping something from me.” turned to Polly.

“No we’re not!” Ada opposed, you definitely didn’t buy it. “Spill ladies.” you said and raised your eyebrows. “Okay so…” Ada started talking but Polly interrupted, “Ada, you made a promise.” she said.

“Come on Polly, what’s going on?” you asked impatiently. Ada giggled, “He went to London to get you a real nice gift.” your jaw dropped.

“London? Why would he go such a long way for only a simple gift?” you weren’t that excited for his gift. You thought it was unnecessary.

“You’re special to him and we’re celebrating a birthday for once!” Polly said, you nodded. It still made you nervous.

“I didn’t ask for a gift, I didn’t expect a gift.” Ada and Polly didn’t understand why you got upset over a joyful thing.

“Darling, what’s wrong?” Polly asked, it was almost like she read your mind. You moved away from the counter and sat on the chair next to Polly.

“Why is he going through the trouble of going to London for a gift? He hasn’t even noticed that I’m interested in him.” you said simply. Polly nodded.

“Oh Y/N, you have to tell him that you love him.” Ada responded. There was a meal to cook and all of you were now sitting around the table, talking about your interest in John.

“I don’t know if I should.” you mumbled. Polly held your hand, “Darling, it’s okay to be scared when you love someone.” you nodded. She was right.

“Who do you love Y/N?” you heard John say and your body filled with sudden panic. You didn’t even hear him come in.

“No one.” you said and Ada gave you a very disappointed look. “So nice of you to join us early John.” Polly said with a dull tone.

“Better be early than late.” he said looking directly at you. He was obviously so blind that he couldn’t see the way you looked at him.

He stood next to you, he supported himself with a one hand on the table. “Tell me Y/N, who is it that has your heart?” you nervously chuckled.

“You wouldn’t know him.” Polly and Ada’s confused eyes locked on you. They thought this would be the moment.

“I’m a Peaky Blinder, I know everyone in this damn city.” he said directly. Polly’s gaze turned to John. She saw something on his impression that you didn’t. It was jealousy.

“He’s not from here.” you lied, you knew that was a mistake. “Okay then, don’t tell me if you don’t want to.” John said and you got up.

You got back to the food with Ada and Polly kept enjoying her wine as she watched you cook. John sat on the chair you were previously sitting on.

“Will you tell me who it is?” John whispered to Polly, she just chuckled loud so you could hear. John was disappointed that nobody was willing to tell him. He was obviously jealous but it was a foreign feeling to him. He didn’t know what he felt was jealousy.

Soon the food was done, the table was ready and everyone was there. Even Tommy had come which made you the happiest. Michael’s arrival had surprised you and you were extremely happy to see Finn come as well.

After eating you went to the living room and settled on the couch. “I think I like this birthday celebration thing.” Arthur said and everyone just laughed, except Tommy. He still had a thing to say though.

“Would it be a celebration without gifts?” he said and you smiled big. “Wait, did we have to buy something?” Finn asked and Polly threw him a killer look.

“You didn’t have to.” you said humbly, you really didn’t want gifts. All that mattered to you was that the Shelbys bothered to celebrate your birthday with you.

Tommy took a little box out of his pocket. “This is from all of us.” he said, he handed it to you. You opened the small box. It had a little pin inside. The pin was shaped as a star, you smiled big.

“This is perfect.” you put the pin on your shirt and stood up to hug all of them. Even Tommy let you hug, he wasn’t a fan of hugs so it meant a lot that he let you do that.

“I’m so lucky to have all of you by my side.” you said, “Damn right you are.” Arthur couldn’t hold himself but say. You laughed, you hadn’t felt this much joy in a long time.

You hugged Michael the last, “Happy birthday.” he told you softly then you sat back at your place. The moment you sat down. You expected John to finally give you his gift.

You hoped he had a seperate gift for you. Tommy did say it was from all of them but if John went all the way to London to buy this, why didn’t he give it himself? You didn’t like that feeling of ambiguity

There was a weird long silence. Everyone looked uncomfortable and you hated that. “Why don’t we get more drinks.” Michael offered to cut the silence. Everyone nodded. You weren’t going to just shut up.

“John, don’t you have a seperate gift for me?” you asked and John’s jaw dropped. He looked horrified. Everyone else just sipped their drinks in silence.

“Why do you ask?” he said, he didn’t look confused. He looked more like he was trying to look confused. “Because you went to London to get me something.” you said it finally.

Ada and Polly seemed to regret that they had told you because they lit a cigarette at the same time when you said it.

“I can’t believe they told you!” John got angry at you and everyone else for no reason. It was obvious he was hiding something and you needed to know what.

“So it’s true.” you asked, he nodded without saying anything. “Where is the gift then?” you stood up in anger.

Your joy had disappeared, John had left you down. You didn’t even want a gift but the thought of him actually travelling to get you something had given you hope. It gave you hope about you and him.

“I think we should leave.” Tommy said, everyone looked at each other and nodded. “Please don’t.” you begged. John did nothing, didn’t even react.

Polly left her seat to come hug you. “Today’s been great dear but I think it’s better if you and John talk alone.” she told you. You got it now, it wasn’t because they wanted to leave. It was because they didn’t want John to leave. You were both getting heated and John tended to run away when he got overwhelmed.

“Okay, see you all later.” you said, everyone hugged you once again and wished you happy birthday. Then you and John were left alone.

He was still sitting the same way, hadn’t even moved a bit. He was looking at you with dull eyes. He looked sad. You didn’t want a great day, your birthday to end like this.

“John, where is the gift you got from London?” you sat down on your knees right before John’s feet. He sighed, his hands moved around his stubbly chin.

“I don’t think I should give it.” John said softly. His voice was low, his tone had so much pain. “Why?” you asked immediately, you had to know.

“Because it’s a fucking ring and you’re in love with someone else!” he yelled. You put your hand on his knee. You laughed loudly. You couldn’t stop laughing.

“You were going to propose to me?” you just thought he was joking. “Yes.” he simply answered, you kept laughing

“No dating phase, you were just going to ask your best friend to marry you.” you heard yourself say and it made you laugh even harder.

“Stop laughing! How is my heartbreak funny?” John’s voice cracked. You finally stopped laughing. “My Johnny Boy, how can you be so blind.” you said. John raised his eyebrows.

“Yeah, blind enough to think you would say yes so I went to London and got you a custom made ring.” your eyes opened wide. “No you stupid shit! You're the guy I love, I was talking about you!” you jumped on your feet and yelled.

John took a deep breath, “What?” you laughed again. “John Shelby, I love you and no one else.” you confessed finally, “I only made up someone else because I didn’t know how to tell you.” you finally let it go.

“So you love me the way I love you.” he asked, you smiled and nodded. He stood up too, put his hand in his pocket and took out a box.

“No dating phase because I wanna wake up next to you every morning.” he said as he sat down on one knee. Your eyes teared up, you couldn’t believe your eyes and ears.

“Y/N Y/L/N, will you give me the honour to be your husband?” John opened the box to reveal an emerald ring. You were mesmerized by the shine of the ring and also by his proposal.

“Yes, a million times yes!” you shouted, took the ring out yourself and put it on. John dropped the empty box on the floor and hugged you. He hugged you and you never wanted to let go.

“This is going so fast, it’s kind of scary.” you admitted while your head was resting on his shoulder. “Let’s speed it up a little more.” he said and pulled himself back a little. “Kiss me Y/N.” he said and you did what he said.

Your lips met his. They weren’t like how you imagined they would be. They weren’t chapped like they seemed, they were soft and smooth. They were warm, the warmth of his lips heated your whole body.

Your soul was leaving your body to join his. You never thought this would be how you ended up together. It was fast but you knew each other well and long enough to skip the dating.

All you both wished for was each other and nothing more. Your wish was finally true.

[nineteenninety-six]

A Tragic Birthday - Pt 2

REQUEST: Can you do a part 2 to A Tragic Birthday with like the funeral and people talking about her and there best memories of her. But with the Shelbys and people like Johnny dogs and Alfie Solomon’s the Jesus’ people like that

Thanks again for 500 followers! You guys are the absolute best <3

TAG LIST: @shadow-of-wonder​ @stassiebabyy​ @futuristicslimemongerbanana​ @dayna041101​ @sweetgoodangel​ @captivatedbycillianmurphy​

WORD COUNT: 1613

[PART ONE]

Tommy felt his head began to pound as his siblings and aunt argued over how they were going to do (Y/N)’s final send off. It had been a few days since Tommy’s whole world came crashing around him and now he had to deal with her funeral and the rest of his family. He hadn’t had the chance to properly come to terms of what happened and mourn but he was slightly grateful because he knew that the mourning process would be rough and destructive and he really didn’t want to do it anytime soon.

Arthur and John wanted to do it the traditional gypsy way but Polly and Ada wanted to do it the traditional English way. They were going back and forth loudly and Tommy wanted to scream at them, he was mentally and physically exhausted and all he wanted to do was put his youngest sibling to rest without any drama.

Tommy already had problems sleeping ever since he came back from the war but ever since (Y/N)’s death he hadn’t been sleeping at all. Usually if he drank enough he would pass out but that wasn’t even working at the moment, all it led to was him being slightly drunk at work the next day. So instead of sleeping all he did at night was lay in bed and look out of the window while memories of (Y/N) tortured him.

“Enough!” Tommy cut off the argument, “We’ll give her a normal funeral and burial then we’ll burn the vardo after. Okay?”

Tommy looked at his family waiting for their agreement and when they did, he stormed out of the room and headed towards the Garrison, desperately needing a drink. He guessed that one of his family members was going to confront him at one point and when Polly joined him in the snug with a bottle of whiskey and a glass ten minutes later, he wasn’t surprised.

“You decided on a normal funeral service. I’m surprised.” Polly spoke first.

“This way I can visit her whenever I want.” Tommy took a large gulp of his drink. 

Polly’s heart clenched at Tommy’s reasoning, she knew that he was going to have the hardest time with (Y/N)’s death but now she doubted if he would ever recover.

“I think she’ll like somewhere that gets a lot of sunshine and is up high somewhere.” Polly said.

An location immediately came to Tommy at those words, he knew exactly where to bury her, “There’s a place just outside of Small Heath, large field on a hill overlooking the town. We’ll do it there.”

It was a place that (Y/N) constantly visited and found solace in, Tommy had brought her there originally and it became their place but as Tommy got busier with the company she went there by herself a majority of the time.

“Of course.” Polly finished the rest of her drink, “I’ll let you be.”

Tommy nodded his thanks and as soon as the door swung shut behind his aunt he poured himself another drink.

♣️♥️♣️♥️♣️♥️

Tommy stood in silence as Jeremiah read out the eulogy, he couldn’t hear the sobs coming from Aunt and sister as well as the sniffles coming from his brothers, he was trying his hardest but he was struggling to hold in his tears.

The funeral has been a small event, just the Shelby family, Johnny Dogs, Uncle Charlie, Curly and the Jesus’. 

They had no reason for a big one, knowing that (Y/N) would have wanted the people closest to her to attend. As the coffin was lowered into the burial plot and people began throwing the flowers they had been holding into the plot, Tommy finally broke. His shoulders shook with the force of the sobs he was trying so hard to keep in, he made no effort to wipe the tears that were running down his face. 

A hand on his arm pulled Tommy back into focus and when he looked to see who it was he found his aunt.

“We’ll meet you at the vardo.” She informed him, knowing that he’d want a few moments alone.

Once they left Tommy stalked forward to the grave and fell onto his knees,  not caring about the mud and finally let his cries free. He sobbed and screamed until his throat was raw, cursing the god that allowed this to happen. He took a few minutes to calm himself before he stood up and brushed the dirt off his trousers, when he turned around he was met with the hulking figure of Alfie Solomons. He had extended an invitation to the man but hadn’t expected his attendance.

“Alfie.” He greeted once he walked over to him.

“Tommy.” Alfie nodded, “‘m sorry for your loss.”

“Me too.” Tommy grunted.

“Blaming yourself doesn’t help anything.” Alfie informed in

Tommy lit himself a cigarette, “It’s hard not to Alfie.” 

“Do you think your sister would have blamed you?” 

“No. (Y/N) never held grudges.”

“And from what I have gathered, you were her favourite sibling.”

“Something like that” Tommy ‘s lips twitched

“Then she wouldn’t have blamed you.” Alfie theorised.

Tommy nodded, “You gonna join us on the other field?”

“Nah, you’re alright I’ll leave you lot to it.” Alfie declined the invitation.

“Thank you Alfie.”

Alfie nodded and patted Tommy on the shoulder, “Good lad.”

Tommy and Alfie parted ways and Tommy drove towards the field where Johnny Dogs had set up his own camp along with the vargo that held (Y/N)’s possessions. 

When he arrived everyone was placing the flowers on the pieces of wood that surrounded the caravan and when they noticed him they stepped back from the vargo. Tommy made his way over to the crowd and stood in front them, building his nerve and clearing his throat,

“Our (Y/N) left this world too early but during the time she spent on here she made a mark and impact on pretty much anyone she met. She made me a better brother and person and when I was away fighting in the war, I kept thinking about the three year old that I left behind, the one that made me want to change the world.” Tommy paused, “She was the final piece that completed the family and that won’t ever change.”

Tommy headed over to Arthur and passed him the matches and motioned him to do it before walking over to the crowd and standing next to Ada, who immediately wrapped her arm around his.

“You doing okay?” She asked.

“Not really.”

Ada nodded and turned back to where varo, the wooden logs surrounding it were lit and the fire was slowly spreading. Tommy squeezed her hand comfortingly as she began to tear up.

The family watched as the caravan was lit alight for a few minutes before Johnny Dogs came around passing drinks to everyone,

“This is a celebration of life! We reminisce about the happy memories and events we had with the littlest Shelby, no need for the gloom!” He shouted as he walked around.

“Right, remember how she managed to convince me, Arthur and Tommy to buy her a book even though we had a strict rule about she had to finish one before she could get another.” John spoke up first. His story making everyone laugh

“She had the three of you wrapped around her little finger.” Polly laughed.

“Never could trick Ada though could she” Arthur grumbled

“That’s because she learnt those tricks from me. I’m immune to them.” Ada spoke up.

“All she needed to do was pout in your direction and you’d be offering to buy out the whole story. I know she managed to get whichever of you was picking her up from school a bag of sweets for her on the way home” Polly recalled with a smile, “Even though I strictly forbade you to do so.”

“Tommy was the worst! You’d always find them sitting in front of the fire sharing sweets at the end of the day.” Ada chimed in.

“All that sugar making her hyper before bed.” Polly rolled her eyes but smiled. “I made sure you were the one to put her to bed when you started to do that.”

“Tommy’s word was gospel, he told her to go to sleep and she’d go to sleep. “ John said

Everyone laughed at that, knowing how true it was. (Y/N) and Tommy were two peas in a pod.

“I remember when she was a baby she absolutely refused to be held by anyone other than Tom and Pol, screeched her little head off giving everyone on the street a headache until she back in one of their arms.” Arthur recalled.

“The amount of complaints we got.” Tommy laughed.

“What was her first word?” Michael asked.

“Tom!” The Shelby’s all exclaimed, laughing afterwards.

“Fuckin’ smug he was when it happened” John snickered.

“Don’t be jealous John.” Tommy chirped.

“Remember when Tommy found out that (Y/N) had been getting Michael to do her maths homework?” Finn spoke up, loving the stories of the sibling that was closest in age to him.

“I thought he was going to kill me!” Michael said, “I didn’t know it was her homework, she tricked me.”

“She was a good egg, too nice and kind for the horrible world.” Arthur mourned, “But she will be missed.”

Tommy raised his glass in the air, “To (Y/N)!”

“(Y/N)!” Everyone cheered.

The rest of the night followed in a similar fashion, drinks, food and good memories going around celebrating the life of a person very important to them.

[pompompurin1028]

Oh yes! I also loved that the “enemy” was their own selves, it made them contemplate on a lot of things, such as Atsushi finally accepting his tiger and Kyouka finally finding peace in her Demon Snow😌

And really? :o It’s been a few minutes that I finished the book (I’ll probably have to do a whole other ask about it because-😭😭) but I completely missed that parallelism!!

Yes, Atsushi😭 I really wouldn’t be able to trust him at that point, even now I still can’t bring myself to completely forgive Dazai- he risked his friends’ lives (his own as well) and even though I know he wasn’t the “villain” I have complex thoughts about his situation😖 Like, what if someone from ADA died? Would he have been able to forgive himself? What about the others, would THEY be OK with this? Many ability users died, was there really no other way to do this? I have so many questions🥺

I found a thorough analysis and explanation on Tumblr, I hope it clears the situation about Dazai because that’s where lies my main confusion 😤

Oh that Lupin bar scene killed me..😭 It was truly heartbreaking 💔

I would love to see what analyses you used to understand it better!! ^^

And Akutagawa🥺 I.. I truly don’t know, but something really clicked in me about him with this movie. I think it happened when I saw him lose his ability and fight against it, also to see that he has some kind of humour was so refreshing (in the tiger vs Rashōmon scene where he was all like “oh let’s get our popcorn” like🙃) This might maybe sound weird but I loved seeing him helpless, it.. made me remember that he was human, maybe? I loved seeing him obliged for once to rely on his own intelligence and body instead of Rashōmon. It made me grow closer to him.

I think that’s it🤔 As I said, please don’t worry about responding to these, do it whenever you have time❤️ I love reading what you have to say, but please take your time, I’m already so grateful that you’re spending time to talk to me!!🥰

Yes!! I loved that part so much😭 They're all facing their pasts and trying to confront them and honestly it is just so heart warming!!

And yes there is a parallelism which I myself saw! It was at the end of the movie, which parallels to the prologue of the book! The prologue😭, ahh that's my favorite part of the book. Anyways, in the prologue of No Longer Human, we see a woman saying that Yozo was an angel, a good boy. This is symbolic of someone, at least one person, being able to see the goodness in Yozo despite all the faults he sees in himself. (side note/aka me talking about the book: I loved this part so much because it is the first time in the book that we see a 2nd eye describe Yozo to us, as the whole book is literally written in the biased opinion of Yozo. Who is not a reliable narrator at all, as mentioned in my answer yesterday, Yozo sees himself as a criminal, he is ashamed of himself, he is therefore extremely critical of himself, and is almost blinded to his better side -- his sensitivity, and in a sense his "gentleness". As seen from one of quotes that really interested me: "the weak fear happiness itself. they can harm themselves on cotton wool. sometimes they are even wounded by happiness". This honestly reminds of Wan!)

Anyways, back to my point! That woman who does see the good in Yozo, does it not parallel with Atsushi who says that he still believes that Dazai is a good person? Despite 'betraying' them for his plan? Despite the worst Yozo sees in himself? I feel like Dazai's shock in this scene parallels to the fact that Yozo doesn't see it in himself in the novel as well.

And honestly, Atsushi's trust in Dazai😭 It warms my heart. Yes, I feel like I would be also quite doubtful about Dazai as well if I were to be met with this situation myself. I'm sorry Dazai😖. But- this gave me a parallel to the short story by Dazai-sensei called Run, Melos! Actually not the short story itself, but the Greek myth story Damon and Pythias, the story that the short story was based on! The original story that Dazai-sensei based it on talked about trust between two friends and how one of them trusted his other friend to come back in time to save him right till the end. But in Dazai-sensei's version, he changed it. He wrote about the doubts that the friend had, it is as if it were saying that he didn't believe in the fact that humans can trust others so fully, right till the very end. And yet, Atsushi did it. What does this mean? Maybe I'll talk about it soon in my analysis hehe.

And as for Dazai. I personally think he wouldn't be able to forgive himself if that happened. But it also breaks my heart the amount of pressure he puts on himself to make sure that everything goes according to plan; as well as the extent that he will go, to villianize himself, even if it meant that the people whom he is closest to will doubt him, in order to make sure that his plan succeeds. (which is one of the reason why Atsushi is so important). This analysis also talks about it too☺ start at the point in which they talk about Dazai being more so a chemist. (I have so many analyses up my sleeve😅)

And ahh I'm so glad that it helped you understand it better!!

And as for Aku, in my pov, he's always been human. He's stubborn, yet insecure, he wants to be accepted, to have someone to tell him that he is strong enough to have the right to live. But Dead Apple definitely showed more of Aku's qualities. His intelligence, and his strength, one that doesn't require his abilities, which I also really like☺ Also rashomon vs the tiger was quite entertaining ngl haha

And thank you so much🥰 It makes me so happy to have you ask these questions! I have so much fun analyzing and thinking about these things! And I'm so happy to know that you like hearing my rambling what I have to say😂

[luna-redamancy]

Thief - Elrond x Reader

Word count: 1852

Note: i am extremely tired, so forgive me for any spelling or grammar mistakes! This is a request for @moony-artnstuff​

Waking up, you were startled to say the least. The bandages around your waist, the brightness of the room, your things nowhere near you, it was definitely a startling moment. Sitting up, you grunted, clutching your abdomen before shaking your head. 

“Not going to anyone's dungeon today,” You held your breath as you stood up straight, knowing you needed to make your escape quickly. 

You see, you weren’t a favored person amongst certain groups, and by that you meant anyone who wasn’t of a commoner status. You were a thief but not exactly a thief. You stole what you needed to survive, and  gave the rest to those who needed it. You started slowly with pickpocketing rich noblemen at taverns, hating the way they would yell at barmaids and not leave a single tip for the trouble they would cause. Using your good looks, you found it easy to lower their guard and take whatever coin they had on them. 

Going from pickpocketing to robbing a bank after the rumor of the bank owner forcing their employees to scam the common folk out of more money for the owner’s greed, you had a high bounty on your head to be jailed. 

Hobbling down the hallway, you winced as you felt your stitches begin to open. Clutching your side, you hoped the pressure was enough to stop you from bleeding out until you reached safety. “How did this even happen?” You thought as you tried to recall the events before you were unconscious in a bed. 

Furrowing your brows, you remembered the previous night. You were traveling by the hidden pass to get to a village on the skirts of Rivendell, having goods to sell before you would try to rent a cottage to stay low during the winter months. 

“Orc blade,” You thought, noticing the deep purple lesions after taking a peek under your bandages to see how bad it was. You were ambushed by a raiding party of orc’s, and while you consider yourself a decent swordswoman, you were no match for eight orcs plus their wargs guarding their masters.

A shout of surprise broke you from your thoughts, the sounds of quick footsteps making you hurry down the hall, until you found stairs that lead to a lower level of the building. “I will not be put in prison for helping people,” You whispered as you hobbled down the stairs. 

“Please, Miss! Your stitches will come loose!” You paid no mind to the worry in the healer's voice as you broke into a sprint, now hearing more footsteps following the healer’s. “Must be guards” You thought as you ducked into a new hallway, watching as the healer and several guards go past. Nodding in satisfaction for outsmarting them, you took a look out the window, grinning when you saw stables. “A horse would be the easiest way out of here…” You mumbled, wincing when you heard a guard shout, “She’s here!” 

Elrond was trying to enjoy his morning. He had a wonderful cup of tea imported from the Shire with some berries coated in honey. But now, he was annoyed to say the least. When he found out the human they had found near the hidden pass was awake, he was overjoyed, happy to go speak to you and question you about the previous night’s events. However, he wasn’t overjoyed to hear that you were running away. From what? He didn’t know. 

Elrond sighed as he approached his head guard and healer. “My Lord,” they bowed, “We believe her stitches have come open,” They motioned towards the floor, where several blood spots were gathered on the floor. 

Sliding out the window, you looked down to the ground. It was a far jump for sure, however, you’d rather take a broken ankle over being imprisoned for the rest of your life until you were executed by whatever royal you managed to piss off. Taking a deep breath, you held in a scream as you fell to the gardens near the stables, the shock making your knees hurt for a moment before you grinned. “No broken ankles today!” You cheered as you ran toward the stable. Slipping into the first occupied one you could find, you loaded the horse with a saddle. “C’mon darling, let’s get me outta here,” You cooed, clicking your tongue to get her to start walking. 

Your blissful escape was then ruined, by a guards voice. “You! Stop!” They yelled out, causing your horse to turn around to face him. “No way,” You whined, tugging on the reins, “This way, escape time, not guard time!” You cried as the horse continued walking closer, your expression downcast as the healers, guards, and Lord Elrond watched you pout at them. 

“Traitor,” You hissed at the horse as the healers helped you off of him. 

“You seem to have broken horses.” You said blankly, crossing your arms over your chest, waiting for the guards to put chains around your wrists and ankles. 

“And you thankfully do not have any more injuries.” Elrond sighed, looking you over. 

“Why were you running?”

“Why wouldn’t I run?” You questioned back, cocking your hip to the side. 

“We aren’t trying to harm you, human, we found you on our borders and wanted to take care of your injuries.” The healer explained, wincing at the amount of blood surrounding your wound. How you managed to rip all of your stitches  in such a short amount of time, she didn’t want to know.

“You… weren’t trying to put me in prison?”

Elrond cocked a brow, “What would we imprison you for?”

“Oh, nothing at all.” You grinned, but it slowly fell from your face as you saw the guard you punched in your escape, a bruise freshly forming. 

“Ah… My apologies… For punching your guard, and for trying to escape with your horse…. And for ripping open all of my stitches,” You sheepishly rubbed the back of your neck as Elrond shook his head, the healers guiding you back to the healing chambers. 

-

“That’s how you first met my father?” Arwen wiped the tears from the side of her eyes from laughing so hard. 

“Indeed.” Elrond hummed from the entryway to the gardens you two were sitting in. 

After your initial big escape plan failed, you ended up remaining in Rivendell, being offered asylum from those who sought to persecute you for your actions. Along with your new home, you developed friendships with many along the way, Arwen, Lindir, Elladan, Elrohir, and even Elrond, just to name a few.

Elrond and you had become the closest, you’d have to say. For you two were the quickest to develop a rapport. You both had similar interest in books, and he often came to you for advice when dealing with human leaders of villages and towns, to help him determine the best ways to help the people and not the politicians. 

“Well, I think I am going to head off to check on Aragorn, I think he’s gone much too long without seeing my face.” Arwen laughed as she stood from the grass, giving her father a knowing look as it ended up just being the two of you in the gardens.  

“Don’t be a stranger,” You nearly laughed at his stiffness, not seeing him so wound up looking for a very long time. “Come on, sit down,” You patted the grass next to you as you laid down to look up at the moon. 

Elrond strode over to you, sitting beside you quietly. 

“What’s wrong?” You questioned after a moment of silence, easily being able to understand that something was upsetting him for him to not interact with you. 

“Are you happy here? With us.. With me?” Elrond asked, looking to the stars to ask Valar for guidance.

“Of course I am, why? Has something made you doubt that?” You questioned, propping your head up on your hand, your elbow digging into the cool dirt. 

“Not exactly, no.” Elrond was a very calm and collected man, he wasn’t outright with his emotions, knowing how they can easily influence decisions and how people would react to him. 

Frowning, you tried to decipher his body language but couldn’t figure out quite what was upsetting him. 

“You speak a lot of your friends, your human friends.” Elrond stated suddenly, looking to his lap instead of the stars. “I just wanted to ensure you were okay.”

It made sense now. He was worried how you were being affected, forced to see your own morality smack against their immortality. 

Grinning, you allowed yourself to relax back down into the grass blades. 

“I miss them, that’s for sure. I miss the events that created fond memories.” You spoke soft, noticing him tense slightly before continuing. “However, I am so happy to be able to create new meaningful memories with all of you.” 

Deciding to take a chance, you placed your hand over his, watching as his eyes widened as the softness of your skin enveloped his senses. 

“Especially with you, Elrond.” You waited until his eyes focused on your face before giving him a soft smile. 

Elrond felt his anxieties leave him as he drowned himself in your gentle expression, moving to lace his fingers with yours.

“I have a confession to make, (Y/n).” 

Tilting your head as a silent cue to continue, you refused to acknowledge the heat crawling up your neck from the feeling of his hand encasing yours. 

“I have developed feelings for you, for quite some time. I hadn’t wanted to approach you with them because I didn’t want to endanger our friendship.” 

“Elrond--”

“I’m in love with you, (Y/n), and it would be an honor to court you.” Elrond’s eyes focused on your face, analyzing your expression as you struggled to comprehend his words. 

Elrond slowly let go of your hand, taking your silence as a form of rejection. 

“I understand, I hope this does not affect our friendship-”

“No, no… I feel the same,” You found your words, reaching out to grasp his hand back in yours again. “I would love to be courted by you, Elrond.” You grinned, watching as a smile tugged at his lips. 

-

“That’s how you and Ada got together?” Your daughter, Aredhel questioned from her spot in bed, tucked in tight with her stuffed bear in her arm. 

“Indeed,” Elrond came in like how he had so many years ago, except instead of coming in here to confess his feelings for you, he came to give your daughter a goodnight kiss. 

“Mama was so amazing…” She sighed dreamily, snuggling into her blankets. 

Laughing you pecked her forehead, pulling back to allow Elrond to do the same before he tugged you off the end of her bed and into your bedding chambers. “You are amazing,” He cooed to you before pressing his lips against yours. 

“Why thank you my Lord,” You teased, returning his kiss. 

You started out as a thief for the people, and now you were a thief to a Lord, your bounty growing ever higher for stealing his heart. 

Tags-

 @lady-of-lies @all-things-fandomstuck  @fizzyxcustard @izzydaelleth @aquaangel18@raindancer2004 @love-colorfulglittercollection @underthemoon-n​​ @ladylouoflothlorien​ @unlikelysamwinchesteronahunt ​​ @legolaslovely​ @bthtallmadge2​ @abesottedlass @wilhelmyna @tigereyesf​ @aspookybunny​

Elrond Tag-

@moony-artnstuff​

[angelicdestieldemon]

A Birthday Surprise

This is my first Barisi fanfic so please go easy on me, just love these two and Raúl, anyway enjoy x

(I also have a Kofi page if you're interested)

To say Amanda was surprised when she found out that Barba and Carisi were sleeping together would be a lie, she wasn’t blind, she could see the tension in their mutual teasing and battle of the wits. To then find out that not only were they sleeping together but were in a long-term committed relationship however was a little bit of a surprise. She was happy for them, she just didn’t realise that their relationship went further than sexual tension to be dispelled by hooking up once in a while. But the icing on the cake had to be finding out that they had been living together for a year and no one had noticed, not even Liv. 

Which leads her to today, Barba and Carisi had invited the squad round to celebrate Carisi’s birthday. His birthday wasn’t actually today but they were all working on the day so they waited until the weekend rolled around to celebrate. When Carisi suggested his and Barba’s apartment Amanda could see the look Barba gave Carisi, a look of ‘what  the hell are you thinking?’. However, before Barba could object to the idea, Carisi placed his hand on Barba’s thigh under the table and that look in Barba’s eye turned to soft resignation, it took all of Amanda’ self control not to smirk at the rare display of affection, not to mention the fact that Carisi had managed to wrap Barba round his finger. Letting her eyes drift from Barba to Carisi she could see the smug look he wore, he knew the control he had over the ADA and although Amanda knew that that control wasn’t something Carisi would abuse, she could tell he definitely made use of it. 

So the plans were settled, and everyone agreed to meet at Carisi and Barba’s apartment on Saturday - today - to celebrate Carisi getting that little bit older. She had already given Carisi his present on his actual birthday, a tie from a tailors he had been practically drooling over when they went to speak to the owner for a case a few months back, she knew she’d done well when Barba complimented her gift, telling her it suited Carisi’s skin tone perfectly. 

Now, as she waited for the elevator in the lobby of their apartment building, she was still trying to wrap her head around the idea of Barba and Carisi being in a relationship, a proper committed relationship. 

xXx

Carisi was nervous, she could tell by the way he was peeling the label off his beer bottle. He hadn’t made eye contact with her since they arrived at the bar and his nervousness was beginning to make her feel anxious. Was he ok? Had something bad happened to him, his family? She wasn’t sure if he’d appreciate her putting her hand on his shoulder so instead, she slid the beer bottle out of his hand to draw his attention to her.

“Carisi, has something happened?” She asks, his eyes still refusing to meet hers.

“No. I- uh why is this so hard?” He said, talking more to himself than her. “I wanted to speak to you about something…” he says, his voice trailing off at the end, she could see the internal struggle he was facing on whether or not to tell her what he needed to tell her or let it go.

“Whatever you need to say, I'm here to listen,” she says, deciding to let him talk when he was ready, trying not to force him to say anything he wasn’t ready to say no matter how curious she was.

Carisi finally meets her eyes and for a moment he says nothing, just staring at her as if he is looking for something, he must find it because he grabs his beer bottle, takes a long sip and turns to face her completely.

“I’m bisexual.”

xXx

She remembers that night he came out to her like it was yesterday, he was so scared of her rejecting him, of reacting badly like so many others must have done before. And when she didn’t, when she gave him a hug and told him she was proud of him, grateful that he decided she was worthy of him telling her something so personal, he nearly broke down in tears of relief. 

They had become closer after that, Carisi told her about his previous relationships, his catholic family’s reaction to their only son coming out as bisexual. That night was a rough one, to say that they hadn’t taken it well would be an understatement but they were coming round, slowly but surely. They drank a lot that night and Amanda can still remember the hangover they both had the next morning. 

The elevator finally arrives and as she turns to push the button for Barba and Carisi’s floor she sees Liv enter the lobby, she holds the door open long enough for Liv to make it in before allowing the doors to close.

“I’ve spent all week wondering what their apartment looks like,” Amanda says by way of greeting and she can see Liv smile.

“Honestly, I’ve been doing the same. Until Carisi invited us I realised I haven’t been to any of their apartments even before they moved in together,” Liv replied, Amanda smiled.

“I’m still trying to get my head around how none of us noticed. I mean we’re detectives, how could we not notice?” She responds, her question was one she knew Liv shared.

Barba and Liv were very close, best friends even, and yet he didn’t tell her that he had moved in with one of her detectives, and that they had been living together for over a year. Then again, Barba was a very private man, Amanda could probably count on one hand the amount of personal information she knew about him. That thought leads her to Carisi, sure she knew a lot about Carisi, the man was practically an open book in most aspects, and having come out to her she assumed he would have told her if he was in a relationship. But no, he too - like Barba - had hidden it from her, all of them really.

“I’m trying not to take it personally,” Liv says, breaking Amanda out of her runaway thoughts. “They didn’t have to tell us, but I'm glad they did.” She finished, however Amanda saw her mouth open again as if to speak before she closed it again. Amanda waited for her to continue, knowing that whatever Liv was about to say was important if she was consciously working out how to put her thoughts in to words. 

“I just can’t help wondering why they didn’t tell us sooner? I mean, I know they said that they didn’t intend for it to be a great big secret and that they just didn’t know how to tell us without it being a big thing. I just worry that maybe there was another reason, that they didn’t feel safe telling us,” she explained, a tired look crossing her face making it clear that Liv had spent the whole week worrying about this in her head. 

“Have you spoken to Barba about this? I think it’d help,” she offers. “I can see where you’re coming from, if I'm honest I'm a little hurt that Carisi didn’t tell me, he tells me about everything else. But I can also see from their perspective, it’s hard enough in our world for them to be out, every so often I hear unis and other lawyers take digs at them. Their relationship as I'm sure you’ve noticed has already caused quite a stir,” Amanda rationalises, if anything saying it out loud makes her see their perspective a little clearer.

Liv turns to her, a small smile gracing her features and Amanda knows she’s comforted by her words.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. I guess maybe I'm more annoyed at myself for not noticing,” she says, a teasing smile growing prominently, Amanda returns it.

The elevator finally arrives on the right floor and they both leave feeling better than when they entered. Finding the right door, Liv knocks and they only have to wait a few seconds before Carisi answers it, dressed casually but it’s clear to Amanda that these are clothes bought by Barba. Carisi wouldn’t pay the amount the blue long sleeve shirt he was wearing cost but Barba definitely would.

“Hey, you’re the last to arrive, please come in,” he says, standing to the side to let them past. “Can I take your coats?” Amanda rolls her eyes and shrugs off her coat, Liv following suit.

“Aren't you a good little host?” She teases, Carisi grins taking their coats and hanging them on the rack behind the door.

“What can I say, my mother taught me right,” he teases back, a mocking but happy smile plastered on his face. “Drinks are in the kitchen on the right, help yourself,” he finishes leading them through to the living room opposite the kitchen.

The apartment is exactly what Amanda imagined Barba would live in, the living room is spacious with a large expensive but comfortable looking furniture and large windows with views of the city. A short hallway leading to what she assumes is the bedrooms and the bathroom. The kitchen is filled with top of the line appliances a very expensive looking coffee maker and sleek counter tops, she finds the beer in the fridge and grabs a glass of wine for Liv as well and walks back across to the living room. 

Carisi drops down on to the large L-shaped couch next to Barba, his arm thrown over the back and they’re pressed together at the side in way they never would at work and Amanda can’t help but find it sweet the Barba doesn’t even pretend to act annoyed but relaxes instantly in to Carisi’s side.

She passes the wine to Liv and sits down beside her on the opposite side of the couch from the love birds. Fin taking the armchair across from all of them.

“Well, shall we raise a toast?” Fin announces, raising his bottle. “Happy Birthday Carisi, may you live to share your legal knowledge for another year whether we want it or not,” he teases.

Everyone except Carisi nods their head in agreement and amusement while saying “Cheers!” including Barba, who gets a pinch on his arm from his boyfriend, but the look they share is one of good natured teasing that makes Amanda ache for someone to look at her like that.

The group carry on after that, Carisi thanking them for coming, Liv moving closer to Barba to talk about the apartment, Amanda can see a proud look on his face, it’s clear he loves his and Carisi’s home. She chats with Fin and Carisi about the dinner he and Barba had with his parents and sisters on his actual birthday, Amanda and Fin laughing at Barba being ambushed by Carisi’s sisters, Theresa and Gina making it known that if it doesn’t work out with Sonny, Barba should give either of them a call. 

After a few more beers, Amanda asks where to find the bathroom, “First door on the right,” Carisi says, his arm still firmly around Barba.

She finds the bathroom and marvels at the large bathtub in the corner, wishing her own was that big. After finishing her business and washing her hands in one of the two sinks she opens the door to leave but pauses and decides to have a nose around the apartment without supervision, starting with the bathroom cabinets. The pain killers for migraines are probably Barba’s and the expensive shaving kit is probably his too. She finds hair gel that most definitely belongs to Carisi as it is the same brand he has in his desk for long days. As she’s about to close it and move on to the bedroom, she see’s something that catches her eye. A box of extra large condoms, grinning she takes a picture of the box to tease Carisi about later puts her phone back in her pocket when she hears someone clear their throat behind her.

“Having a nose around are we?” Carisi says, a mocking glint in his eyes. Amanda smiles and hold up the box of condoms.

“Barba’s a lucky man, Carisi, who knew you were packing so much heat in those tailored trousers,” she teases, waiting to see the tall detectives cheeks flush red with embarrassment as it so often does, only instead of blushing she sees him smirk, a mischievous look flash across his face.

“They’re not mine,” he quips, watching her expression turn to one of shock, before leaving her there in the bathroom.

After taking a minute to recover from the shock of finding out about Barba’s size she puts the box back in the cabinet and heads back to the living room hoping her face isn’t red. She arrives just in time for Carisi to lean in and whisper something in Barba’s ear, and to her mortification she see’s Barba’s smile turn to into a predatory smirk. He catches her eye and winks making her choke on her beer. Fin and Liv turning to her in concern, but she passes it off with a “wrong tube” and takes another drink, making a mental note to never go through Barba or Carisi’s things again, there are some things she doesn’t want to know. 

[starr-fall-knight-rise]

Humans are Space Orcs, “Rival in the Circle pt. 2″

WARNING: important life lesson immanent.  Please read to the end line because there is something important I think people today need to see :)

Also, Sorry if there are any Issues, I am at the airport again running on 4 hours of sleep, so hope you like it.” 

Sunny’s heart hammered in her chest, the world around her seemed to spin in tight concentric circles. Moss stood before her head proudly raised against the darkening sky. When she didn’t answer immediately, he moved forward and placed a hand on her shoulder. The gesture was surprisingly human, but most of the Drev had been affected to some degree by living with their human counterparts.

“You have proven yourself to be a commanding warrior, more honorable than your mother, and more rational than your father. You led our species into a new era, and you deserve everything that comes with that, a battle partner equal to your skill, a large brood, which is an offering that I gladly give you now. Allow me to prove myself in combat against you.” A beam of light cut through the volcanic smoke and glittered across his perfect green carapace.

That green had mesmerized her younger self. She had always admired it, found it entrancing. Moss himself, other than being a worthy mate in his level of attractiveness, was an impressive warrior in his own right. She had doubts that she would be able to beat him in open combat.

From somewhere deep inside her, she felt an up-welling of shame and embarrassment.

“Is everything alright?”

Sunny turned her head to find Commander Vir standing at her side looking up with concern. HIs bright green eye brimmed with worry for her. A hand rested on her arm, and she couldn’t tell if the gesture was supposed to be comforting….. Or protective.

“This does not concern you, human.” Moss said stiffly not taking his eyes from Sunny.

Commander Vir pursed his lips into a thin line, “To the contrary, ‘Moss’, it would be my business considering I am your Commanding officer, not only aboard the ship but also by the traditions of your people.” 

The two stared at each other for a long moment, but then Moss shrugged, “You do not have to worry, Commander. I am simply and humbly offer myself to Sunny as a proper and respectable battle partner.” He glanced towards Sunny, “An offer I hope you accept.” He turned to walk away, but then paused at the edge of the rock outcropping, “I will be at the furthest circle to the north at dawn. I hope to see you there.”

***

Sunny stood watching as The tiny green spec vanished into the distance with Commander Vir standing still beside her. She glanced towards him from the corner of her eye trying to gage his reaction, though she still wasn’t sure about her own feelings on the subject. He was hard to read, very still, unmoving staring off into the distance. His face was completely neutral…. But the eyes, what was that she saw.

He turned towards her cleared his throat and then ... smiled, “He’s… a good guy, you know, smart and….. And a good warrior of course, can’t forget that. Um…”

“Are you ok?”

He waved a hand, “Not important. I should be asking you the same question.”

Sunny paused, distant laughter echoed in her head, “Um…. I’m not sure yet. I mean…. He is a good warrior…”

“And that carapace…. Green’s your favorite color isn’t it?” She watched as he glanced towards the vacant suit of Armor, which glittered a green not dissimilar to Moss’s armor. The human shuffled his feet awkwardly as he looked away, “Well I, should let you prepare. I mean this is a big deal, he practically proposed, so don’t let me get in your way.” He gave her a smile that definitely seemed genuine, though there was something about it she couldn't place, and turned to walk away passing by the armor without so much as looking at it.

That left her alone atop the hill staring down at her own feet. 

She had been honest earlier, she didn’t know what she was supposed to feel, didn’t know what she ACTUALLY felt about any of this. She turned in a tight circle before sighing and taking a seat on a moss-covered rock. Ever since she was young, she had longed for a true battle partner, someone who would be able to match her skill and capabilities, someone who would always have her back, but lately she realized that she hadn’t thought much about that longing. Perhaps she just assumed that it would never happen, and as what Moss said about a large brood…

Did she really want that? Tradition and everything she had been taught since she was a child told her that she SHOULD want a large brood with many kits raised as great warriors, but that had never been something that caught her fancy. Kits were…. A handful, and she wasn’t well equipped to deal with them, so she had never really desired that part of things.

But did she really want this at all, or was that just her upbringing talking. Her mother’s teachings worming their way into her head. She sighed and looked down at her feet. 

Shouldn’t she be happy about this, shouldn’t she be ecstatic that someone would be interested in her. She who was short, a slow learner, and only capable of winning battles by fighting like a human. This was likely her only change, and with someone she had admired since she was a child. 

She sighed in frustration at her own thoughts and looked up. The sun was coming up, and as it did, the light was captured and then reflected by the green armor of the exo-suit. She stood and walked over to the armor in frustration, “What is wrong with me.” 

The empty shell stared back at her without expression. It was just an empty, heartless thing. Nothing without the person that belonged inside of it, and even then it was just… wrong.

She sighed again in frustration and turned away.

***

Commander Vir accompanied her to the circle. Walking with him, she couldn’t read what he was thinking, and still wondered why she even cared. But of course she did, he was her friend, her best friend, and he had helped her through everything. He had accepted her before anyone else had, before even her own kind. Despite what she had done to him so long ago, he had been the first person to trust her, the first person to think she was something more than the tribe screw-up, and she felt that she owed pretty much everything to him.

“Nervous ?” He wondered flashing her another one of his unreadable smiles.

Gah! She wished humans were easier to read, she felt that she had gotten the hang of it, but the sheer control they had over their facial muscles was unreal. They paused together at the crest of a hill looking down at the northern circles. Moss was already there preparing, she could see his green carapace glittering in the sun as he danced about twirling his spear this way and that. His form was good...

Ad he looked good doing it. He was strong and precise.

A hand rested on her arm.

She looked down to find the human looking up at her large green eyes focused intently on her pupils wide black holes in the sea of green, “Look, Sunny, I…. I just want you to know that. No matter what, and no matter what you choose to do that, well, I am here to support your decision, and if this means that you are going to stay here with-with Moss and raise tons of tiny Drev babies than, well then I reserve the right to visit…. Also you have to name your first born after me, that’s non negotiable…. And if you guys decide to stay on the ship, than …. I hope that we can still be friends.” he ran a hand through his spiky blond hair, and scratched absently at the eye patch.

He cleared his throat again.

She looked down at the circle, “Thanks Ada- Commander.”

She thought she saw the man grow stiff, but as soon as it had come it had gone. The smile he gave her was just as warm as before, but more wooden, “Good Luck.” When she turned back, it wasn’t her friend standing atop the apex of the hill, but Fleet commander of the UNSC, and representative of the GA. His chin was raised high, his body at parade rest at-ease with his feet at shoulder width and his hands clasped loosely behind his back.

Moss looked up as she entered the circle, and spectators began to gather at its edges. A reconciler pushed his way through the throng and set himself up at the edge of the circle. With a loud clatter, he slammed his staff against the hard packed ground silencing the crowd. The reconciler was an old one, well past his prime with a deep black carapace that shimmered a deep and distinguished blue in the sunlight. The black and red cloak he wore fluttered in the volcanic breeze, and the staff he held in one hand was run through with strips of blue power fro the internal charging mechanism.

“Let it be made official that on this day the 50th under Teroc, our first moon, that Moss Volcanson challenges Sunny Lumnusdaughter to trial by combat as an offering to become a mated battle pair. As Blackrock Reconciler of Moss and Sunny’s original tribe, I hereby oversee this match as official and, in accordance with our traditions and laws I see the ring has been measured to approximate fighting length. Fighting may not leave the circle for a more than unreasonable time, determined by the laws set down by our ancestors. The match will be conducted to failure, unconsciousness, surrender, stalemate, or until one of you can o longer fight either by way of incapacitation or death.” He pointed one long talon at Sunny, “Choose your weapon.”

She didn’t skip a beat, “I choose hand to hand combat.” 

Moss’s weapon was confiscated, handed to the side to be guarded over by a younger Drev assistant.

“Very well.” He slammed his staff against the ground with a thundering crack, “Do not hold back, do not show mercy, for you will only know if you are matched with each other if you cannot beat one another, or if the prospect is very difficult.” Sunny could still see Adam standing atop the hill watching. One green eye flashed with the light of the rising su.

The reconciler raised his staff, and Sunny was struck by another cloudy memory, one of a similar circle, Moss’s voice, the warmth of the stone under feet.

Stay down Sunny, before you embarrass yourself. 

Laughter 

The Staff slammed against the ground, and Moss lunged. Sunny dodged to the side faster than thinking intending to punch him in the side as he came, but he knew the human tricks and quickly swerved away 

There is still time to forfeit.

She lunged forward catching him on the side of the head with a strike before dodging under another. He caught her with one of his lower arms, but it was smaller, and weaker, and better than getting caught by the larger arm. She grabbed him around the knees, lifted and fell backwards.

He hit the stone hard with a grunt , and she rolled to the side lunging for his neck very much intending to choke him.

Stay down, Sunny, before you embarrass yourself.

 He rolled onto his back and kicked her in the chest violently. She hit the dirt, but quickly leaped to her feet even as he did. Together they charged across the circle making contact over and over and over again. She dodged a punch and caught him in the jaw with a bone crushing uppercut. Then she slammed her foot into the top of his and kneed him aggressively as he doubled over. He grunted and stumbled backwards falling over himself, but not completely.

He caught her next kick and dragged her to the ground trying to gain control that way, but she caught him in the face with a foot, and again they were both on their feet. What followed was a flurry of hands and claws blocking, swiping, punching. Sunny ducked under a punch, sidestepped a kick, then with a quick thought, she kicked a loose piece of porous stone into the air, caught it by one hand, and slammed it hard into the side of Moss’s head.

There was a clatter of stone underneath him as he staggered horribly. The crowd roared, but since the reconciler didn’t call her out, she kept going.

As she approached again, Moss turned to look at her. In his eyes….. She saw….

Surprise.

He hadn’t expected her to be this good.

There is still time to forfeit.

Honestly Sunny, what were you thinking. Moss is one of our best soldiers, and you… well… 

She roared and slammed her elbow into his jaw.

He slammed to the ground hard, but she didn’t stop. She tackled him sending them both spinning across the stone with a clatter. They struggled for a long time neither of them able to gain the upper hand.

Stay down, Sunny, before you embarrass yourself.

She had been here before, in the circle with Moss. She had tried to forget it for years, tried to bite down the horrible embarrassment and inadequacy that she felt as her mother dragged her out of the circle, and Moss looked at her with pity. He hadn’t wanted her because she was short, and worse at fighting, but he hadn’t just beaten her like he should have. He went easy, he refused to fight her, he insulted her.

With a great heave, she grabbed him around the neck, and locked her legs around his waist.

He seemed surprised at her ferocity, but she didn’t let go.

He bucked and turned, but she just gripped harder.

The circle was loud with cheering and howling, so no one heard the whispering, “You bastard.” She muttered softly, “I looked up to you once, I wanted you, but I wasn’t good enough.”

Moss choked and gagged, “You ... weren't… as… good.”

“I know that.” She hissed, “But you refused to fight me, you insulted my honor greater than death, and now you expect me to come running back to you now that I can fight. You weren’t attracted to me then so you aren't now. The only thing that has changed is my power and status.” She gripped tighter, and he choked, “I NEVER recovered from that. They laughed at me, my parents almost disowned me. How dare you assume I would want YOU after your disrespect for me.”

He gagged.

“Look at me, and tell me you liked me then?”

He choked some more, “I don’t know… you weren't…. Tall eno-”

That was it. She crushed harder, he opened and closed his mouth like a fish, “Wrong answer.”

She felt nothing but anger as he struggled to breathe. How dare he think he could just crawl into her life like this, like she would pick him up because he was the first person to show interest in her because he was wrong. She had more self respect than that, she deserved more than that.

She deserves someone who respected her, who treated her as an equal, who, if not liking her from the beginning, could see past the ONE physical deficiency, someone who didn’t care about her power or lineage. 

She deserved someone she could trust, who wouldn’t insult her, and didn’t ignore her because it was convenient. If he truly cared about her, he would have been with her through her hardest times even if she didn’t want it.

This was taking too long. with one hand, she drew back and cracked him over the head. The blow was so powerful that he went limp in her arms twitching slightly. The group around her was silent as she slowly stood dappled with blood.

“I win the duel, and I reject his offering.”

A stunned silence grew up around her as she stepped from the circle and onto the stone. A group of human marines gaped at her with open mouths as she walked past and out onto the open plane, alone.

She walked for a few minutes before she heard it.

The soft pattering of feet, and the sudden weight at her back. He didn’t say anything but rested his hands on her shoulders as she continued over the stone. The ground rolled by below her feet covered in a colorful array of plantflie. Adam’s breath was soft and rhythmic as she carried the two of them over the stone The weight was comforting, but the silence heavy.

“Wanna hear a joke?”

“My life.” She muttered 

There was a pause, “Well actually, I was going to say your face, but I suppose your life works just as well.”

Silence.

And then she burst into a fit of laughter, which he joined in on. Together their voices rattled across the ground bouncing over stone and rippling outwards.

She wouldn’t mourn what she lost in Moss

After all she’d rather have dignity than company.

[sympathyfortheblinderdevil]

All Is Fair Ch. 3

Anticipation

Tommy hung up the phone and sighed. Her voice was different; she sounded nervous, and that could mean that some of the more unsavory parts of his reputation had caught up with him. One reason he wanted to spend some time with Lia is that she seemed unbothered by his legend. Sure, she checked up a bit when she realized that he was Tommy Shelby, but she was hardly trembling in awe of his status. She still told him that his art was “pretentious”, and he still remembered the shape of her dark red lips as she said it.

 “Fuck,” he whispered and leaned back in his chair.  

 “It was her cousin,” he thought. He recalled the look on Jenny’s face as she approached the pair of them. Lia had leaned closer to him to share her amateur critique of that ghastly Picasso, and Tommy was having a not so subtle look down her dress. “She couldn’t get Lia out of there fast enough.”

 He opened a drawer and took out a directory of Birmingham city offices. He turned a few pages and trailed his finger down to the spot where Jenny’s department was listed “Arts and Leisure.” He thought of calling to personally thank her department for their support of the auction but hesitated as he reached for the phone. Ada had been the principal contact, and he imagined that a call from him would seem heavy-handed—exactly the image he was seeking to avoid.

 Women who were jaded by way of their privileged upbringing were all Tommy saw anymore. He looked forward to seeing Lia because she seemed different, more modern. Tommy craved the company of someone like her, someone who could be a diversion. If she was going to be worth his time, she wouldn’t let the opinions of others get inside her head.

 ***

 Jenny had resigned herself to the fact that Lia was hell-bent on seeing Tommy’s invitation through, and she might as well get used to it. She had discreetly asked around about Tommy’s recent business dealings and charitable contributions and had come away with satisfactory answers. He made his money from the import and export of car parts, had a legal gin distillery, and five homes for orphans— all with exemplary records. Maybe she had overreacted, she thought. This was, after all, just a date.

 She would feel better, though, if Lia would take her warnings a bit more seriously. Lia had always been a bit of a dreamer. As a kid, she never did very well at school despite being highly intelligent. She was always lost in a book or daydreaming instead of paying attention to her studies. She was not scatterbrained and could hold forth on serious intellectual topics, but she was not very practical. Jenny feared that her cousin viewed Tommy Shelby as an adventure rather than the flesh and blood leader of the Shelby Family. It was a feeling that Jenny couldn’t shake.

 On Wednesday night Lia stood in the middle of her room in her bra and drawers, surrounded by dresses that she had tried on and promptly discarded. She had spent the last few days consumed with anticipation for her night with Tommy, and now things seemed to be falling apart.

 “He’s already seen me in my good dress!” Lia squinted at the pile of fabric at her feet and rubbed her temples, “I guess I’ll just go naked!”

 Jenny found the scene comically tragic and offered to help. “I’ll find something of mine that will do.”

 Lia cupped her breasts and sighed in exasperation, “What will I do with these?”

 “I’ll find something,” Jenny laughed as she walked down the hall to search her wardrobe. “Besides, Mr. Shelby would think that you were gorgeous dressed in a coal sack. I’ve seen the way he looks at you.”

  The purring sound of Tommy’s Bugatti was a sound foreign to the ears of Jenny and Lia’s neighbors, and the sight of Tommy Shelby was truly remarkable. Nosey housewives peeked from behind curtains and barely cracked doors as he approached the Montrose girls’ house. Before he could knock, Jenny opened the door to welcome him in. The less time the neighbors had to gawp at their esteemed visitor, the better. She ushered him into their warm sitting room and offered to take his coat and hat.

 “Please, sit down. Lia will be ready in a moment.”

 They took their seats, and Jenny watched as Tommy took in their modest sitting room. He noticed that it was not unlike the parlor that Polly had fixed up for them on Watery Lane, although the room he currently sat in had far fewer examples of religious iconography. They sat in two light blue chairs that were draped in lace doilies. A sturdy looking couch sat against a far wall.  There was a fire in the grate of a small fireplace and Tommy noted that the worn rug before it was scarred with tiny burn marks from embers that had popped out through the years.  His eyes followed the brickwork up to where there was a portrait of Lia’s grandparents above the mantle, and they sternly looked down their noses in judgement of the gangster as he sat waiting to defile their granddaughter.

 Jenny cleared her throat and spoke, “It’s not much, but it’s enough for us. The house used to belong to my parents.”

 Tommy nodded and reached into his pocket for his cigarette case, “It is very nice.” His eyes searched the tabletops for an ashtray. “May I smoke?”

 “Of course.” Jenny motioned toward a smoking stand tucked just behind his chair. Although Tommy’s manners were impeccable, she felt odd in his presence and struggled to keep from fidgeting with her bracelets. She told herself that he was just a man, but he owned this town, and that was hard to get around. She had decided to ask him if he would like some tea, but Tommy spoke first.

 “Jenny, may I call you Jenny?”

 She nodded and Tommy continued, “You’ve lived in Birmingham your whole life, and you’ve no doubt heard some things about my family… things that may be of concern to you since I want to spend time with Lia.”

 Jenny sat up straighter and she glanced at the stairs before returning her focus to Tommy. “Go on, Mr. Shelby.”

 “Please, call me Tommy.” He looked at her earnestly and his lips curved into the faintest smile.

 “Alright, then. Tommy.”

 He leaned forward slightly and lowered his voice. “I want you to know that Lia is safe in my presence. We’ve all had to make certain decisions, make certain sacrifices, do things to advance in our chosen careers. However, in recent years my past work has paid off. I no longer need to do those things that you may have heard about.”

 Jenny’s face couldn’t hide the apprehension she felt, but she softly replied, “Thank you for your assurances.”

   Just then, Lia came down the narrow steps that led into the room.

 She wore a simple dark green, dropped waist dress that she had paired with her grandmother’s opal broach. Her hair was held in place with a velvet band that came across her forehead, and she had borrowed Jenny’s “good” beaded shawl. Though she didn’t have money, the girl had style. Somehow, with the help of her cousin, she had pulled together an outfit that could pass for the latest fashion. She would fit in perfectly wherever Tommy took her.

 Tommy stood, and the spark behind his eyes lit up when she walked into the light. He had thought about her often in the last few days, his mind always returning to the way that she bit her bottom lip when he asked her if she would have been so honest with him if she had known who he was. She was doing it again. She was biting her lip as he stared at her and smoked.

  ***

 The sun’s glow had nearly disappeared below the horizon by the time Lia climbed into Tommy’s car. He usually used a driver, but not tonight. He offered her a cigarette, and when she declined he lit his own. As he drove through the narrow streets of Small Heath he stole a glance at her. She was looking his way and ventured a small smile.

 “I gather that you have learned more about me since we last met… Like where I work, where I live…”

 “Does that bother you?” Tommy asked.

 “Not particularly. I was happy that you called.” She smoothed her skirt over her knees.

 “Mmmmm,” he hummed.

 They drove in silence for a few moments with him looking her way at intervals. Finally, he spoke again. “And what about you? Do you know who I am now?”

 She licked her lips and replied, “Yes.”

 She shifted in her seat until she was facing him. Her shawl softly sparkled in the gathering dark, and her red lips stood in contrast to her pale skin. Tommy considered her answer. It really didn’t tell him much. She knew that he was a businessman and an MP, but did how much did she know about the Peaky Blinders?

 “I don’t care about all that, Tommy.”

 They didn’t speak again until Tommy pulled the car down a narrow, dark lane. It was then that he suddenly asked, “Do you like boats?”

 “Sure. Although I can’t say that I’ve been on too many of them.”

 Lia turned toward Tommy and in the fading twilight she could barely detect a smile playing around his lips.

 “Good. Because we are having dinner on a boat.”

 Tommy maneuvered the car through the gates of Charlie Strong’s yard and Lia could see a faint glow in the distance. When they neared the canal, she could see what it was. Tommy coolly watched as Lia brought her hand up to her mouth and gasped.

 Earlier that day, Tommy had instructed Charlie and Curly to ready their best longboat for the night. Lights were strung along the fore end leading up to the cabin and they twinkled and reflected light off the black water. The smell of roasting meat and the faint sound of music drifted on the breeze.

 They walked toward the spectacle as Tommy guided her with a gentle hand on the small of her back. Cobbles crunched beneath their feet and the sky was pitch. Lia felt like they were the only two people on Earth.

 “What’s all of this?” Lia softly asked. She felt like Alice down the rabbit hole; it was all so surreal.

 “This is me Uncle Charlie’s scrapyard, and this —he gestured toward the boat — is where we are going to have dinner.” Tommy wanted her all to himself, and so he had brought her to a place where he could be sure that they would suffer no interruptions.

 Tommy boarded first, then steadied her by holding on to her waist as she climbed aboard. She was distinctly aware of the pressure of his thumbs just above her hip bones as she stepped down onto the deck. She stumbled a bit and tottered into Tommy.

 She took in Tommy’s laughing eyes. “I told you, I’ve not been on many boats.”

 “You’ll be fine now. You’ve already done the hardest part.” As he spoke the laughter faded from his eyes only to be replaced by something softer.

 She was close enough to see the curve of his glossy black lashes, the tiny lines at the corners of his eyes, and the scars on his cheek and the bridge of his nose. She had promised herself that she wouldn’t get carried away, but she could feel her neck relaxing as her face turned up to his. His lips were inches away from hers and her eyes were sliding closed when she stopped herself. She forced herself to pull away. “I’m glad you were there to catch me.”

 He still had his hands on her waist when she turned to see faint candlelight flickering inside the cabin. The table was laid with fine china and crystal glasses stood next to a bottle of champagne. A covered roasting pan and a vase of flowers were in the center.

 Completely dazzled, she smiled up at him, “Tommy, I have never seen anything like this before.”

 “Well it’s time you have then, isn’t it.”

[therandomfics]

The Mourning After

“Hi, everyone.. my name is Y/N. Um. I’m here because I lost my sister in a tragic incident last year and I’ve been holding it all inside since then. My therapist suggested that I come here and meet people who are having the same experiences in life as I am, so that’s why I’m here. Anyway, I’m really hoping that I can find some peace and maybe meet some people that can help me feel normal, again.” You smiled briefly and then sat back down in your metal folding chair in the circle. Around you were people from what you assessed to be all different walks of life: men in suits, women in yoga pants, old, young, healthy, ill.. everything. Truth be told, when your therapist had suggested you join a grief support group you thought he was being stupid; what a stupid idea. Why surround yourself with people who were just as mournful as you? But then, when you really thought about it, it was probably better to be near people who felt like you did. You didn’t have to explain yourself to people who were just as sad as you.

“Welcome, Y/N. We are very glad to have you. Our goal here isn’t to remove grief but to learn how to adapt and overcome the feelings that can be associated with such painful emotions,” a woman, who you later learned was Jennifer Holmes, a licensed social worker and certified grief counselor. She would come to be a huge help in your corner, a constant ally. 

                                           SIX MONTHS LATER

“That’s an entirely normal feeling. We can’t wake up every morning and think that life is going to be perfect. We’ve seen the ugly and the horrible in life, but look, we keep waking up and choosing life even when we don’t always want to, and I think that’s the most important part of what we’re doing here,” Jennifer explained from her spot in the circle. “Y/N, tell me what improvements you’ve made since our meeting last week?” 

You smiled softly and cleared your throat. “Earlier this week, a co-worker of mine was having a really bad day. Her mother is terminally ill and she’s having a really hard time grasping what’s going to happen after she’s gone. She.. uh, she knows about my situation with my sister and she had lunch with me. We talked about it, and I think maybe I helped her see what the possibilities were. Like, it doesn’t have to be just pain, you know? Celebrate life and find the good. If you don’t you’re just gonna..” you stopped and twiddled your thumbs for a moment. “End up here.” 

A small chuckle went around the group and you felt relieved - sometimes your sense of humor was dark, cynical even. 

“That’s great, Y/N. You’ve made a lot of progress since you joined. It’s a wonderful thing to see you here every week. Thank you for being a part of the group,” Jennifer said with a warm smile. 

________

For the past three years you’d been working as a social worker for the State of New York. It was thankless from your employer, but you were always happy when you were able to see improvement in a family’s situation. Of course, it wasn’t always sunshine and rainbows, but sometimes you had to focus on the job and not the details. That, however, was the hardest part. You were too tender-hearted, your sister always told you. She was right, but you had begun to develop thick skin. 

During your time with the state you’d met a lot of people, but most of them were acquaintances, not friends, not confidants. You had contacts all over the city - lawyers, police officers, detectives, doctors - all to make sure you had your bases covered in the event that you needed to call on someone for support in a case. 

“Social Services. This is Y/N. How can I help you?” you answered your phone, staring at your case load on the screen of your computer. How were there always so many kids in need?

“Hey, Y/N. It’s Detective Rollins at SVU. I need you to check out something for me.” 

“Hey Amanda! Sure, what’s going on?” you asked, pulling up your database on your computer and waiting for her next question. 

A few minutes later you had what she needed and hung up the phone, leaving the office at setting out on foot to the SVU squad room. It wasn’t very far and you needed the exercise. It was a brisk day, but it was beautiful, and one thing that you’d learned from your therapy was that fresh air did more good than we realized. 

You were thankful for the SVU team. Lieutenant Benson and Detective Carisi had been the first on the scene to your sister’s murder. You couldn’t be more thankful for their work in helping put her murderer behind bars. They saw horrible things everyday and they also chose to keep going. They were a testament to how you should feel - at least outwardly. You never really knew how they felt on the side. Their happy smiles and cheerful banter had you fooled for all you knew. 

Detective Carisi met you at the entrance to the squad room and greeted you with a brief handshake. “Thanks for bringing those by so fast. You’re a life saver. The mom is in here claiming that her boyfriend has been beating her, but swears that he hasn’t been living there.. just checking our bases, trying to figure it out,” he explained as you handed the file over. 

“Yeah.. he’s on the list of residents in their apartment. But anyway everything you need is in there,” you said, smiling for a moment. 

“Thanks. Hey what’s for lunch?” he asked, looking at his watch and then back up at you. 

“Work. We don’t all get to break for lunch, Sonny,” you said with a roll of your eyes - playfully, at least. “I’m kidding. I dunno, I was thinking about lox.” 

“Let’s go. I need to talk to you,” he insisted and spun you around to walk you out of the door. 

Sonny was someone you trusted and held dearly to your heart. He was kind and warm hearted, but even more than his personality, he was someone who you trusted based on your experiences with his police work during your sister’s case. 

“So what’s this about?” you asked as you sat down and moved a few capers around on your bagel. 

“You can say no, but I hope you don’t. Alright..” he breathed in and exhaled slowly. “Our ADA has been through some stuff and he’s just.. spiraling, I think. I’m friends with the guy and I’m worried about him beyond work, Y/N. I know you go to that group every week and I was wondering if you could tell me where it is and what time? I wanna get him to go to at least one meeting to give it a shot.” 

You couldn’t remember who the new ADA was, because the last one you’d met was Barba. You knew he was gone, unfortunately, and had never made the time to meet the new one. 

“Sure.. here, I have a card, actually,” you offered and pulled one from your bag. You slid it across the table and looked at Sonny very sternly. “If he comes, though, he can’t just sit there. That’s not how it works. So, I’m just saying, if he’s an ass or something.. maybe don’t give him the info?” 

Sonny laughed and pocketed the card. “No promises. His name is Peter, by the way. If you see him there be nice. He needs a shoulder.” 

_________

The night of the meeting rolled around again, finally. You stood in the corner sipping a cup of watery coffee, scanning the new faces that were sitting nervously in cold metal chairs. A man, in his fifties, looked like he could be a lawyer. A young girl no older than 24, she was so young and so hurt. A man who looked like he was in his mid to late thirties, in a suit and tie, staring down at his phone. A handful of others trailed in as the meeting began and you took your seat next to the new girl. 

“I see we have some new faces! That’s great. Thank you for joining us. Let’s start by standing and introducing ourselves if we’re new, and then we’ll begin.” 

The older gentleman stood up and straightened his tie. “My name is Malcolm. I’m here because my wife passed away a month ago and we were married for 30 years. I don’t know how to.. to be me without her. Ah.. um. Anyway, hope to find some resolution here.” 

“Hi, I’m Lindsay. I’m here because my boyfriend of four years passed away in a car..” she paused as her voice broke and sat back down abruptly. “Accident. I’m sorry. I need.. some time,” she insisted and accepted a tissue as you held out the box to her. 

A few new faces stood and said why they were there, some from natural deaths, some from senseless crime. You were familiar with the crime, as that’s how your own sister had been taken from you. 

Lastly, the man who was focused on his phone before the meeting stood up. “Hi. I’m here because my sister was murdered.. and,” he stopped and cleared his throat. “Sorry. My father also passed away and this has all happened within the last few years. I hadn’t thought about dealing with it but I realize I’m not doing well.” 

“Thanks for joining us.....?” Jennifer asked, hinting at his name. 

“Stone.” 

You looked him up and down for a moment, realizing that you’d not yet seen anyone so attractive in your group before - not that you were there for companionship of that nature. It was just hard to take your eyes off of him. He was beautiful. 

“Is that your first or last name?” Jennifer asked, writing in her notebook. 

“Oh, I’m sorry. That’s my last name. My first name is Peter.” 

Your eyes widened and you looked down, busying yourself with the box of tissues you held. Suddenly, group had gotten a lot more interesting. 

[mumofadaofficial-blog]

The Gap Filler

Firstly, a massive thank you to everyone that has read my first post! Your messages and comments have been overwhelming and you will never know how much it means to me to know that you all care enough to read our story - you guys are friggin amazing!! And I am so pleased to see that what I am doing seems to be helping or comforting others in some sort of way.

SO - last time I took you through Adas birth and getting her home. I touched very very briefly on the stressful time we had before Ada came off oxygen so I want to give you a run down on that. As traumatic as Adas entrance into the world was, life didn’t seem to get much easier for us and I think it almost completely fried my brain, but hey, we’re all crazy in one way or another right?!

Going back to KL hospital was an exstremely hard thing for me. The memories of what had happened there were still very fresh and very raw. Ultimately though, if it hadn’t of been for the team of people that initially worked on her, she wouldn’t be here today. So I sucked it up, put on my big girl pants and was ready to give it another chance. 

There was definitely a big difference to Norwich, mainly I would say communication issues that I’m hoping lessons have been learnt from now. From going through this I have realised that parents really need to be included and told what is happening every step of the way, something which I think can easily be overlooked. When your Childs life is in the hands of someone else you NEED to know what is happening. 

I don’t want to dwell too much on the things that were done wrong once we returned but it was a struggle and no parent should have to feel like they are battling with the providers of your Childs care - my advice would be to stand your ground, be strong, ask as many questions as you want and make sure you are happy with the answers and information given. 

I also think its important to remember that not all people take the same pride and care in their job as others do, so we always tried to make a point of thanking the people that went the extra mile for us. 

On the day that we were finally able to take Ada home we were not allowed to do so until she had undergone an MRI scan on her brain, we were told this was just routine. There wasn’t much explanation as to why. Instantly you think to yourself ‘omg, whats wrong?’ ‘Is there something wrong with her brain’ ‘is this routine or are they hiding something from me’ After doing research and asking questions, it is a routine thing to happen after a baby has been starved of oxygen at birth. Thankfully with Ada there was no signs of damage to her brain in the initial overview and this was then backed up by a specialist team at Nottingham (you still can’t stop your brain from thinking ‘what if?’ Whilst waiting to get those results back). After this she then had to have blood tests and a scan on her liver due to certain enzymes not being at an appropriate level. Without sounding thick, I didn’t even know what that meant and my head was just not processing anything properly. The information given to us on what would happen if it didn’t sort itself out was also very patchy. 

Now taking a new born home on oxygen is bloody tough, you find yourself confined to your bedroom or to the lounge, the rooms where we had the oxygen canisters. And you feel very restricted and trapped. So much so that I pretty much only went to my mum and dads or to Tesco if I was feeling super brave. Trying to get a baby out of the car is hard enough when you’ve never done it before, let alone having a back pack with oxygen in it too. Personally we felt that we couldn’t travel up north to see Nathans family as it would be too hard, so unfortunately people had to miss out. Trying to run a house when confined to those two rooms is very hard, that whole sleep whilst the baby sleeps is not even a real thing! When Ada was sleeping I wanted to do my washing, clean up, eat something or even just sit outside and have a coffee. Looking back, I wish I had relaxed a bit more and just thought fuck it! Those jobs were not going to please anyone but myself. Being easier on myself after having a c section would probably of been a better option and I shouldn’t of pushed myself to do so much when it was sometimes really hard to do so. Thankfully Nathan was a good team mate and I have lovely family and friends who all tried to keep me sane and help as much as possible in the process.

In order to assess how Ada was coping and trying to wean her off oxygen it meant having weekly 24hr assessments on an oxygen monitor at home. If you haven’t ever had any experience with one of these its a clever, annoying as shit, little machine that shows her oxygen saturation levels via a sensor on her foot. If they drop below 90 it makes the loudest most annoying bleep you’ve ever heard…great when you’ve just got her to sleep and shes moved and knocked her sensor off 🙄. They are used a lot on premature babies, however, Ada was a full term, strong bruiser of a baby who really enjoyed throwing her feet around and getting into massive strops! (I have absolutely no idea where she gets her attitude from?!) It soon became apparent that trying to get accurate readings from the machine with the amount of movement she was making was going to be hard. The machine would go back, data would be downloaded and the readings were not accurate enough due to movement. It felt like a constant ACCESS DENIED. Back to stage 1, which is really hard on your mental state and emotions when you are desperate to get your baby better. This would mean we would have to repeat the 24hr process and her oxygen level couldn’t be reduced, even though as her parents we knew she was ok and capable. I was left with no choice but to provide a written documentation of EVERY movement that made her sensor drop throughout the 24hr period, sometimes meaning I wouldn’t sleep just to be able to prove that she was doing well. We’re talking like mental person sending in four A4 pages of movements! This went on for weeks, the longer it went on, the stronger Ada was getting and the harder it was to get the readings. At the time she was also struggling with silent reflux which seemed to play up especially for us on the days she had her monitor on - thank god we have now found infant gaviscon!! 

As well as trying to cope with the oxygen there was a lot of different appointments at home, the hospital and doctors. Blood test for her liver enzymes again, health visitor, collecting oxygen monitor, hip scan, monitor again, physio, dropping monitor off, monitor again, dropping it off, another blood test, monitor again, health visitor, monitor again, immunisations, monitor again, physio, monitor again, consultant appointment, blood test, another hip scan, more immunisations, monitor again and physio - you get my drift and I’ve probably missed some out! Whilst all of these appointments were happening I was then having to chase for answers and information on the outcomes of all of these as the communication was very poor. But if you ask enough questions and make enough phone calls, eventually someone will answer you and you will find out what you need to know. Personally I don’t think it should have to be like that and it makes the situation a million times more stressful. But I do understand that staffing levels don’t always allow you to be the main concern and if your out of sight you can often be out of mind. 

Gradually throughout all of this and my crazy note writing Ada was weaned down off her oxygen one step at a time, then it was stopped in the daytime so she only had to go on it at night. 

Finally on the 27th of September we got the call that I had been longing to get! Adas consultant was happy for us to turn her oxygen off, completely! No messing around at night, no more changing plasters and making her face sore (making you feel like the worst person in the world), no more fighting to put her cannula up her nose and no more sleepless stressful nights with a monitor bleeping in your ear! I cried and then rang Nathan and cried a bit more, then I probably rang anyone else in my phone book that would answer, and you guessed it, cried some more. For once throughout this they were tears of happiness and relief. She had finally done it, our miracle baby had stuck her fingers up to the world and smashed it! In the words of the king that is George Michael ‘You got to have faith’ 😉 

Now, our only reason to go to the hospital is for extra immunisations against bronchiolitis, unpleasant, but better than her being hospitalised again or poorly. And for routine check ups with her consultant which will happen until Ada is 2. 

Deep breath for this part. 

The effect that this has had on me has been unreal, and although Ada is fighting fit it still isn’t easy. I was always quite ignorant to issues involving mental health and was one of those ‘just get on with it’ people. I’ve now realised that sometimes this just isn’t possible. When something in your life has been so traumatic and so stressful it can be really hard to deal with and process, my main concern was Ada and to worry about me later. It is also very easy for people to say ‘she’s fine now so don’t worry’ but you do (please don’t take offence if you have said this to me!).

Hiding your feelings and pretending everything is ok is not healthy for anyone, but to seek help was not something I was prepared to do until recently. I am by no means crazy, or a manic depressant but I do have my bad days. Days when things get to me and the stress takes over, flash backs, not being able to sleep because my brain won’t switch off, worrying that something will go wrong, being well and truly put off from having any more children, having to have full control of all situations, and for weeks, I fully blamed myself for what happened to Ada and believed that I should of known something was wrong and prevented the whole situation. I have felt in the past like I am not good enough, like I’m doing a shit job and like I can’t cope. I have struggled to speak about how I feel as I was worried I would be judged or people would think I was a shit mum or that I couldn’t look after Ada properly. I have also pushed help away as I feel compelled to be some sort of ‘super mum’ and that no one else should be doing my job. 

I still cannot talk about what happened without crying, and there isn’t a day go by when I don’t relive it at some point. I constantly look to see if Ada is developing as she should and is there any signs that something isn’t right, when I should just enjoy every moment. Living with me is probably a nightmare, Soz Nath, Mum and Dad - cheers for putting up with me 😘 Somedays I will snap at the smallest thing and overreact, whereas another day that same thing wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. 

I am a very private person when it comes to my feelings and I have always thought to show people the venerable side of me would make me seem weak, when in fact it does the opposite. From doing this and the responses I’ve had I now realise just how important it is to talk out and show everyone the old saying of ‘It’s ok not to be ok’. To write this down and tell you all what has happened is unbelievably difficult, yet very therapeutic and I strongly believe that if more people were to speak out about how they feel and the effect it has, then it wouldn’t be such a taboo subject. Because it most definitely shouldn’t be and anyone who says they haven’t had a full scale meltdown at some point is most probably lying to you. 

Ok, so might as well of just posted a naked picture of myself with the caption ‘HERE I AM’ after all that, but thats probably about as honest as you will find me. 

Amy x

[stories-you-wont-hear]

– due process. pt 8

we are heading towards the end, ladies and gents! i’m thinking maybe two more parts to this and boy let me tell you, no one is ready for where this is heading :) please let me know what you think of this part, i love love love hearing your opinions of this story! xoxo mira

tag: @abcreid  @mattiemurdocksvoicemakesmesplosh @krazy-katt-lady @digicharr

“I see no reason for my client to be held in jail for the duration of this trial, Your Honor.” Tap tap tap. “The alleged murder and rap-” “Objection!” Tap tap tap. “Sorry. The alleged murderer, Benjamin Harris, is free to go on about his life while the victim, Amanda Taylor, has lost her life. I don’t think that’s quite fair, Your Honor.” Tap tap tap.

You didn’t have to look behind you to know that Matt had entered the courtroom, and from the sound of the tapping subsiding, you figure he had found a seat. Meanwhile, you focused your attention at the situation at hand, which was the prosecution trying to revoke Ben’s bail. “Innocent until proven guilty, unless I’m mistaken,” you countered. “Your Honor,” the prosecutor stood in the middle of the room, hands out as if she were pleading with the judge, “The last time Ben Harris was out on bail, the very same victim ended up losing her life.” “That case was dismissed,” you replied, narrowing your eyes at the opposition’s lawyer. “Without prejudice,” the ADA shot back, to which you took a second to address. “Are you charging him with that?” you said after a moment, having caught yourself in a sticky situation. She was right, those charges had been dismissed without prejudice, meaning the district attorney’s office could charge both Ben and Andrew again. “No,” the ADA said pointedly, making eye contact with you before returning to face the judge, “Those charges were dismissed, Your Honor, Ben Harris was not acquitted. But the fact of the matter is that this very court has the power to hold Amanda Taylor’s alleged murderer, who was also her alleged rapist and I don’t know about the defense here, but I don’t believe in coincidences.” “Your Ho-” you stood up to cut in, but the judge held his hand up.

“Enough,” he said, casting a grave look over both the prosecution and your own table, “While our country’s justice system relies on the assumption that one is innocent until proven, I am inclined to take the prosecution’s point into consideration.” Beside you, a confused Ben looked up at you and then back, to Matt you assumed. “What’s happening?” Ben whispered, his eyes wide. “Your Honor,” you started again, gesturing for Ben to stay seated. “I’m sorry Counselor,” the judge said, holding up his gavel, “I order Benjamin Harris into custody for the duration of this trial.”

“What?” Ben cried, his mother rushing up behind you, adding to the clamor in the courtroom. “Ms. Harris,” you could hear Matt attempting to assuage her as you tried to reassure Ben. “You’ll be okay,” you tried to say in your most convincing voice. “Why are they doing this?” he asked, the court officers coming up to take him. “You’ll be okay,” you mouthed as they led him away.

A few moments later, you left the courtroom only to run into Ben’s mother and Matt. “How can they take my son like this?” the woman asked you, her eyes watery. “I’m so sorry, Ms. Harris,” was the only thing you could say. “It’s just the DA’s office trying to cover their bases,” Matt added. She somehow seemed more reassured at Matt’s words, rather than the words of the actual lawyer defending her son but you stayed silent and let Matt do the talking.

You were sure he’d leave with her, but to your misfortune, Matt turned to talk to you after Ben’s mom left. “Look,” you started before he could say anything, “The ADA brought up a good point, I couldn’t say anything.” He nodded as you talked before speaking up himself, “Look, Y/N. I know you’re used to murky cases with blurred lines, but Ben is innocent. You have to defend him like he is.” You opened your mouth to say something but couldn’t find words. “I wanted you to take this case because it’s morally clean-” “Murder is morally clean? What kind of shoddy Catholic are you?” you interjected. He sighed, giving you a serious look in return, “Y/N. This is your new start.” You scoffed, making moves to brush past him until he held your arm. “Let go,” you said between clenched teeth. “Don’t tear yourself apart over this,” he said softly, low enough for only you to hear before letting go.

You meant to walk away, you really did, but this bit of you urged yourself to turn back to Matt, and so you did. “Who’s tearing themselves over this? Not me, Matt,” you said pointedly, ignoring the looks you got from the occasional passerby. “I’m helping you,” he replied, his posture a bit more relaxed. You chose not to reply, instead, you stared, hoping the glare you were giving him opened the lock that he seemed to keep on everything he somehow happened to know. “There was someone there,” he finally said, catching your attention. “Who?” you asked in a loud whisper, to which Matt shushed you for. You reluctantly apologized but leaned in to make sure no one else overheard. “I don’t know,” he said admittedly, “But that could be who killed her.” Part of you dreaded asking the question, but you had to, “How do you know it wasn’t Ben?” Matt stood, speechless for a moment, but in the end, he just shook his head, “It wasn’t.” “Matt,” you said softly, with the absence of the edge that your voice had carried towards him for the last couple of weeks, “How do you know it wasn’t Ben?”

“I don’t,” he replied finally, and maybe you should’ve felt happy at his admission for not knowing something. Finally, something that the ever omniscient Matthew Murdock didn’t know. But you didn’t. You felt bad, a twinge of guilt clouding your mind as you placed a hand on his arm. “I’ll fight this,” you reassured him, “I’m going to fight for him.” “Thank you,” Matt replied, with a smile and despite all that had happened, that devilish grin still made you swoon.

 Over the past couple of months, you had found yourself letting a number of people into your apartment. Foggy, Karen. Matt. But the last person you expected to see outside of your apartment was your old boss, Malcolm Randall. “Malcolm,” you said as you spotted him while coming up the stairs. He seemed oddly out of place in your apartment building, he certainly seemed to feel the same way. “Y/N,” he replied in acknowledgment. “Can I help you?” you said, your voice signaling your confusion at his presence. He held up the box in his hands, similar to the one that had appeared at your apartment after your departure from your firm. 

“Some of your things,” he said, holding the box out towards you. “I thought you already sent them,” you said, nevertheless taking the box. “Not all of it,” he replied, his speech curt. You wondered if the man held any animosity towards you, as the two of you had grown as close as you’d imagine you could while working on your last case together. Loyalty was valued at any top law firm, and your abrupt departure was not something that would reflect well on that. “Malcolm,” you started, cutting into the awkward silence between you as you leaned against the door of your apartment, “I’m… I’m sorry.” “Don’t be,” he said, reaching into the pocket in his coat to lay an envelope on top of the box you were holding. Caught by surprise, you didn’t say anything as he abruptly took off, leaving you alone.

“How much is it?” Matt asked over the phone. “Ten grand,” you replied gleefully, sipping at your glass of wine while staring at the check in your hand. You had opened the envelope Malcolm Randall had left you immediately after getting into your apartment, and at first, you were blown away by the glowing recommendation he had written you, so much that you hadn’t noticed the severance check that was in the envelope, too.

“That’s insane,” Matt’s voice commented through the speakerphone you had laid on your coffee table. “It is,” you agreed, “I guess I didn’t realize I had grown on him that much.” “Do you regret it?” Matt asked, and you found yourself able to answer the question without too much thought. “No,” you said sincerely, “I don’t. I like being… morally clean.” He chuckled at you quoting him from before and you imagined him at his desk, tie loosened and head leaning back as he talked to you. “Are we good?” he asked, cutting into your thoughts of him. “Yes,” you replied, only after a moment’s hesitation. Maybe it was the wine. “That’s good to know,” he hummed back, and you could hear the smile in his voice. “I really am sorry, Y/N,” he blurted and you shook your head as if he could see you. “I know, Matt,” you interrupted, “And I forgive you.” He said nothing but you knew he was smiling on the other side of the call. “Any plans for tonight?” he asked, and you held up your wine glass, examining the red liquid in the cup. “Just me, this court case, and some Chinese takeout,” you hummed into the phone, and as if on cue, your doorbell rang. “And that is my date for the night,” you said, getting up to grab your pocketbook. “Alright,” Matt said, “Call me if you need me.” “I’m an independent woman, Murdock,” you teased, moving towards your door. “Yeah, but let me know if you need a vigilante,” he laughed. You rolled your eyes, sure he could probably hear it through the phone, “Good night, Matt.”

Slipping the phone into your back pocket, you opened the door, pocketbook in hand to pay the delivery person. “How mu-” you started, only to be caught floored by the sight of the familiar man standing at your door. “Hey sweetheart,” he said, flashing a signature white smile. You swallowed audibly, stunned at the sight of the man who had been such an important part of your life, now suddenly having appeared at your doorstep. He chuckled, leaning down to kiss your cheek. You simply stood there, feeling the brush of his facial hair as he pressed his lips to your cheek before pulling back. Hand moving up to touch where his lips had just made contact with your skin, you looked at him with disbelief, somehow convinced that he would disappear just as suddenly as he had appeared. When he gave you a look, eyebrow raised in confusion, you were certain he wasn’t a figment of your imagination, that’s when you finally stepped back, letting him into your apartment.

He stepped in, navigating through the place expertly, almost as if he lived there. Which he had, a long time ago. “The necklace looks good on you,” he commented, leisurely sitting back into your armchair, “I knew it would.” You sat down across from him on your couch, your hands folded in your lap as you struggled to think of something to say. “Cat got your tongue, sweetheart?” he said, the grin spread across his face signaling his amusement. “What are you doing here?” you asked finally, your voice level as not to give away what you were really feeling. He pouted in mock disappointment, “What? I’ve been gone for so long and that’s the first thing you say to me? Where’s the warm welcome, sweetheart?” You nodded, moving your shoulders back a few times to relax, before meeting his eyes and granting him a small smile.

“Hey, Billy.”

woooooahh BILLY RUSSO IS THAT YOU?? ok i feel like i had alluded to Y/N’s “B” being Billy and if you didn’t catch it... well NOW YA KNOW. i have a very clear idea of where this story is going and again, let me say that y’all are not ready and tbh, neither am i!

[lamiaward]

Congratulations , you are mothers! ( it is a dragon)

Oh gods have thy mercy on me and finally help me find good names, both for fics and characters. I don’t own the Worst Witch. This is the fic where Pippa finds a dragon egg and raises it with Hecate, enjoy. Also, it takes place shortly after New Dawn (although I still kind of plan on rewriting that episode because some things were very out of character etc but okay) and assumes that Hecate and Pippa remain utter disasters so their friendship is kind of fragile at the beginning of this story. 

Furthermore, I firmly believe Hecate is such an utter oblivious dumbass when it comes to women that even if she found something like a romance about two witches in the possession of her ‘gal’ she wouldn’t connect the dots.

Warning: mention of death.

It is small, and unassuming but there is so much magic to it that Pippa almost feels dizzy just standing next to it. Even more overwhelming than the waves of magic slamming into her, is the sharp pain that feels like a knife slipping through her ribs at the sight of the body curled around the small thing.

Pippa Pentangle is known as kind, bright, happy to the point of frivolity- few know that she is also terrifying. But if they were still around, if who did this had been standing in front of Pippa right now, she would’ve done far worse than just punch them. In fact, she needs to take several deep breaths before she runs towards the rocks where the dragon egg is mostly kept hidden by the magenta claws of his mother curled protectively around them.

She kneels down next to the dragon, who growls lowly but is clearly too weak to attack her. And Pippa has always had a way with magical creatures; unicorns headbutting her shoulder affectively long after she stopped being a maiden, griffin chick’s jumping in her lap, even manticore’s flicking their tails playfully at her. In fact, she knows of only one person who exceeds her gift with animals.

“ Oh you poor thing” she whispers at the dragon, blinking rapidly. Bluish blood drips down, and Pippa doesn’t need to be a specialist to tell the creature is fading, and her entire coven wouldn’t have had enough to save her. She places her hand above the scales- never touch dragons, for their scales have hidden barbs that could cut Pippa’s hand as effectively as any knife- and starts to chant.

She doesn’t ask for healing, but she asks for no pain to be felt. She demands no vengeance, but suggests this great creature’s soul to rest at least. She doesn’t ask anything for the small creature still cradled beneath its mother’s claws, in deep sleep and unaware of how the bright colours of his mother are already fading, the dark blue steadily turning grey beneath Pippa’s hand.

Dragons long lost the powers of speech- some witches even think they never possessed it. But Pippa could swear that when the dragon fights to raise her head, and turns it- that when she looks straight into Pippa’s eyes, leaving her struck breathless by the cold spreading through her, she speaks. Just two words.

Protect it.

And then she dies, and Pippa is left weeping silently. Dragon scales can be used for at least a dozen potions. Dragon eyes are powerful amulets. If one bathes in dragon blood, they’re as immortal as queen Mab. It is said that a dragon’s heart has the power to amplify your magic tenfold. Pippa mutters a last prayer, and rises slowly.

She doesn’t take anything, nor does she try to bury the dragon. She doesn’t have to move the paw; the dragon used her last strength to do it herself. And there it is, what Pippa glimpsed at first. An ordinary person wouldn’t look twice, would think it is just a rock. But when Pippa carefully lifts the egg in her arms, it is warm and beating against her. As soon as she touches it, it changes color subtly until it is the same bright pink of her dress.

She starts to walk again, potion gatherings and festivals long forgotten.

It is first time in three weeks she speaks to Hecate.

Which is nothing compared to three decades, but it stings nonetheless. It is just as frustrating, to walk into Cackle’s and be met with distrust and accusations, as it was to walk into the great castle of Caleign , be surrounded by half-competent potion mistresses and be unable to talk to Hecate. Still, perhaps she should be glad that she has Hecate at all, and just push down the rest- but Pippa has never been able to do that. Has always lost herself in whatever she wanted, since the first time she Hecate spoke up in class and Pippa couldn’t think about anything for days but how she had finally found a person that could keep up, that she needed to be friends with.

She just hopes Hecate looks at her, and sees something similar. Because it is three decades later, and Pippa has never been able to stop needing Hecate. At least she answers the mirror now.

“Pippa” it is just her name, but she loves it whenever Hecate says it. It feels like an incantation for happy days and calm nights.

“ Hecate, hello. I am ever so sorry to disturb you- “she gives Hecate her prettiest, most potent smile. “But I am afraid I need your help”

“ With wha- oh” Hecate swallows, staring at the egg Pippa has carefully lifted, and is now in her lap.

“ The parent died”

A muscle in Hecate’s face twitches. “ How?”

Pippa takes a deep breath, not wishing to have her anger affect the dragon. Dragon baby’s are notoriously sensitive to emotions, especially when they come with magical outbursts.  “Poachers. I have heard that the industry is still thriving, and they wished for her eggs. There were two corpses – but it appears as though the rest of the group got away, and took the other egg”

“ It is rare for them to have more than one egg at once” Hecate just says, but Pippa still knows her well enough to recognize the anger struggling against Hecate’s famous self-control.

“ Indeed. This one is – I am afraid it is not as strong as its brethren”

“ Did she choose you?”

Pippa nods. “There is only a handful of specialists, but my deputy is actually friends with one of them. It appears as though the responsibility falls with me- someone else can still raise it of course, but that would mean rejecting it and- “

“ I am well-aware of the process. What do you require of me?”

Pippa laughs breathlessly. “ It is not exactly a one-woman job, and I have my school to run. And you- “ she smiles hesitantly at Hecate. “ Well, you have always had a talent with magical creatures”. That is an understatement.

Hecate stares at the egg, then nods briskly. “ Of course. I will have to discuss it with Ada, but I imagine that I will be able to leave in an hour. Do you know which species it is?”

“ One of the frostborn species, I imagine”  she tugs on one of her hairlocks.  “The mother breathed on me- I have yet to be able to remove the frost from my hair tips”

“ I  noticed” she doesn’t know what to make of Hecate’s tone, and the way she looks at Pippa before glancing away and clearing her throat. “ I would suggest that you wrap it into something cold, and remain near it”

Pippa nods. She had thought something similar, which is why her room was at least ten degrees colder than she liked it herself. “ I very much agree. I shall inform my deputy that you are coming, do you need- “

“ I will find you” Hecate interrupts, apparently still apt at anticipating what Pippa is going to say. She doesn’t smile, but her face is decidedly less rigid, her voice softer, when she says “ goodbye Pippa” and breaks the connection. It’s funny, but it always makes Pippa’s heart jump into her throat. A part of her is terrified constantly, now that they’ve reconciled.

She is supposed to be an adult, but at the thought of losing whatever second chance – no matter how little it is compared to what she wants- they have gotten, Pippa honestly feels like a teenager experiencing her first heartbreak. She cradles the egg to her chest.

“ It hurts, doesn’t it? Losing someone you love?” she whispers to it, smiling through her stinging eyes. “  Poor thing, all alone without your mother. I know someone else like you, you know. I think you will like her- she is coming here in a while. She will help us, you’ll see”

Pippa stands up, adding one last cold spell to the nest she made. It has everything their dragon needs; cold (but not too much) , softness, protection, hair or fur and magic nearby. Her entire castle is a strongpoint of magic, but she still feels uncomfortable leaving, so she sits down next to it, and starts to talk.

“ I am not an expert on your kind, but I have my fair share of knowledge. I have always wanted to be a teacher, but I also wanted to work with magical creatures. I actually planned to start my own reserve if this school did not work out, and I prepared for that. I reckon I will mistakes, but at least I know the most important things”

She sings a high note, smiling and then shivering as the room cools down slightly.  “There. This should be to your liking” she stands up, walks over to her closet and retrieves her favourite cloak to wrap it around her. “It is not truly to mine however, I am s-sorry” she sits down again, smiling. The connection is pulling tight around her, until she can feel the second heartbeat that is a half-second slower than her own.

She sneezes. “We lost one of the students a few days back. I spend half the night searching the woods” she chuckles.  “Poor girl had wandered into the wrong part- our forest is magical, and it quite likes confusing you when you annoy it. It kept sending her the wrong way, but we finally found her in the morning”

She curls her hands around the hot cup of tea. “ Things like that happen in a school, especially one where magic is taught. I am certain you will experience many mishaps in your time with us”

“ One should hope that they would only experience the least amount of … mistakes” a familiar voice drawls.

Pippa gasps, and stands up so suddenly the room nearly tilts.  “Hecate” she doesn’t even think about rushing towards her friend, and hugging her. There is the familiar smell of Hecate’s shampoo, the one she makes herself. Hecate never uses anything that has a lot of scent to it, no soft-smelling roses or the bottled smell of spring. Others may find it boring, but for Pippa it is just uniquely Hecate. And she knows Hecate can’t stand too much stimuli, doesn’t like too-pronounced smells, colours or sounds.

She pulls back. “ Well-met”

“ Well-met” Hecate mutters, her eyes on the egg. She takes a few careful steps towards it. “ How long until it is safe to leave the egg?”

“ Miss Lazul told me that they won’t be long, perhaps a fortnight”

“ I arranged with Ada that I could spend time here. She knows it takes at least two people”

Pippa nods. “Thank you “she squeezes Hecate’s hand very briefly. “I know it is not easy for you to leave Cackle’s”

Hecate looks like she is about to say something, then closes her mouth again. Pippa is just thinking that pushing might not be so bad, when Hecate just says “ We will have to keep watch. Do you have the first batch ready?”

Pippa nods in the direction of the grey-ish substance. She wrinkles her nose automatically, thinking of the horrid smell. “Yes, I do. We have a window of three days, either for them to be born three days earlier or three days later”

Hecate just nods, and conjures a chair she immediately, very slowly lowers herself into. She flinches slightly when Pippa summons the blanket.

“ I apologize. I just- “ she shrugs. “ I remember how you always used to be cold. I am sorry, I don’t even know whether you still- “

“ I do “ Hecate answers, then immediately seems embarrassed to have revealed this much. She looks at the egg again. “It is quite beautiful”

“ I have always found dragons to be beautiful. Perhaps even more so than unicorns”

“ You love unicorns”

“I love unicorns” Pippa confirms, thinking how Hecate’s slight hesitation is charming. “ I also love manticores, and hellhounds and nearly every other magical creature”

Hecate’s lips twitch. “ I remember”

“I teach my students to be slightly more careful when approaching creatures”

“ I would hope so, unless you wish them to have a scar as well”

“ It wasn’t so bad”

Hecate raises her eyebrows slightly, and Pippa rolls her eyes with a smile. “ Oh do shut up Hiccup “ she says, sipping her tea. Hecate focuses on the egg again, although she is smirking slightly.

“ As you wish” she hesitates, and something in Pippa’s chest expands until it feels like there is no more room in her ribcage, like her ribs are pushed down, breaking, and driven into her stomach. “ Pipsqueak” Hecate finally murmurs, and Pippa breaths again.

They sit in companionable silence for a while, until it becomes too much and Pippa taps her foot on the floor repeatedly until it becomes too much for Hecate. She sighs at the look sent her way, and stops the tapping. “Sorry. I am afraid I have improved, but I have not completely lost my dislike of silence”

“ We were always complete opposites in that regard”

“ I can stay silent, if you wish me to”

“ We can use the time to discuss the proper precautions we will need to take”

It’s Hecate’s way of saying she is okay with talking, with how often Pippa needs noise around her. She smiles easily, and they spent the next hours discussing bringing food for the dragon to the castle ( they can hunt Pippa, there are woods behind your castle), the right spells to cast around them ( they do not just need protection, they are allowed to have fun) and any of the other dozen details that need to be arranged. The first night passes quickly.

They are the best weeks Pippa has had in years.

They finally talk again, stilted at first, filled with long silences and hesitations, until they become comfortable again, and it turns into long discussion( they keep forgetting their tea, and Pippa loves Hecate’s face whenever she drinks her tea and it turns out to be cold). They cast spells together, and bicker about the right one ( Hecate always more focused on practicality, whereas Pippa argues that a little frivolity is certainly a necessity of life as well). They read anything that may tell them more about their dragon ( Hecate is browsing Pippa’s bookcase when she takes out the wrong book and blushes furiously at the image of a dark head of hair between the spread legs of another nude woman on the cover of Pippa’s favourite romance novel). They discuss anything, from potions to chanting to teaching methods- the only thing they avoid is the time spent apart, although Pippa pretends to be surprised when Hecate talks about the potion research she has done the past decades (I have read every article, Pippa doesn’t say) and Hecate discovers Pippa has actually travelled extensively, learning about new methods but also finding her deputy and best friend in a rainforest hallway across the world.

It is the twelfth day, and the first time Hecate actually stays the entire night -although not on purpose. She has fallen asleep in her chair, book laying open on her lap. Pippa is just considering magicking her into bed when she starts to move slightly, and something in Pippa recognizes the sounds before they have even registered fully.

“Hecate- “

She just makes the same sound, like a scared animal stuck in a trap. Pippa repeats her name, but Hecate has always been hard to wake when she was having nightmares. The other woman moves, her eyes rolling beneath her closed eyelids, and mutters something incomprehensible.

“ Hecate!” Pippa repeats, gently touching the other witch’s arm. “It is just a dream, darling, wake up”

There are beads of sweat sliding down Hecate’s neck now, and her eyes are rolling even more. Pippa smells the familiar tang of Hecate’s magic when she is afraid, when she is slipping. She grasps her hands. “ Hiccup darling, please wake up “ she says clearly, and Hecate jolts.

“ Pippa- “ she gasps, eyes wide and teary, a few errand tears actually escaping. She slowly wakes, looking more embarrassed and less confused with every second that passes.

Pippa allows her a little space, then stops her when she stands and snaps her fingers to gather her belongings.  “I should lea-“

“ Stay. It is the middle of the night, and all this travelling is exhausting you” it is true; Pippa has hardly ever seen Hecate this exhausted

“The process saps your magic, they use it to grow- “

“ It is not just that, Hiccup. Our little hatchling is sapping my strength as well, and I am not nearly as exhausted as you. Stay, please”

For some reason, Hecate just stares at her for a while before giving in. Pippa expected getting her to stay would be a lot harder, as she has tried several times already. But she doesn’t show her slight surprise, just smiles and thanks Hecate before allowing her some time to get ready for bed. It is no more than twenty minutes later that Hecate walks into the room again, her hair down and wearing a simple ( but lovely, so lovely Pippa’s mind whispers) gown. Pippa forces a smile, forcing her eyes to remain on Hecate’s face (hardly a punishment) and to not drift to her bare legs, or what is visible of her chest. She closes her book and follows Hecate to the bed that they have moved, so it is now next to their dragon.

Hecate freezes, apparently only now realizing what Pippa offered. “ I can sleep on-“

Pippa rolls her eyes.  “ Do not be ridiculous” she smiles, pretending not to notice how Hecate is holding herself even more stiffly than usual, how her magic is readying itself for a transference spell. “ The bed is large enough for both of us… And I promise I do not snore, nor hog the covers.. Hiccup”

Hecate relaxes the absolute minimum amount.“ You actually do snore, it sounds like a Banshee”

Pippa gasps. “ I do not”

There is an almost indecipherable smile on Hecate’s face. “I could not believe it at first either. I genuinely thought we were being attacked the first time I woke up and heard.. that”

“ I cannot- well, if that is true, why did you not tell me?”

“ I did not wish to embarrass you”

“You could’ve saved me a dreadful breakup “Pippa mutters, grimacing.

Hecate stiffens again. “ I beg your pardon?”

Pippa feels herself flush slightly. “ You will laugh at me”

Hecate just raises her eyebrow in that way of hers, the one that is both infuriating and very attractive to Pippa somehow. Pippa rolls her eyes again.  “ All right, but get into bed first. I love our babe, but their aptitude for cold is making me feel like a popsicle”

Hecate hesitates, but eventually slips under the covers after several, tense minutes of staring at Pippa. Pippa ignores the way Hecate is still stiff, and trying desperately to keep distance between them, tries to keep herself from warning Hecate she will fall of the bed that way. She wonders whether Hecate has shared her bed at all these past decades, scolds herself for wishing desperately she hasn’t.

“ Do you promise you will not laugh at me?”

“ I hardly think this story is as embarrassing as you fear, Pippa”

She wriggles, trying to get comfortable. She can feel Hecate stiffen even more, hears her breath hitch. Feels her own heart stutter when their legs touch accidentally. “ What are you doing?”

“ Trying to get comfortable. If I am going to humiliate myself, I want to be comfortable at least” there is silence, and Pippa stops her moving around, laying on her side to face Hecate. She is laying on her back, staring at the ceiling. Her shoulders are drawn up, her teeth clenched.

“ Are you all right, Hiccup?” Pippa whispers

“Are you going to tell this story?” she snaps it, but the slight waver in her voice softens the blow.

“ All right” she huffs a little. “ Several years ago, I was set up on a blind date by one of my friends. They hadn’t even told me it was a blind date, so I arrived at our favourite restaurant with newt’s eye on my robes- there had been a slight accident – and my hair looking truly dreadful. It was all quite mortifying”

“ I fail to see how this relates to- “

“ Then listen, Hiccup” Pippa cannot keep herself from smiling; it feels like they’re girls again, huddled on her bed as they swap stories ( although Hecate always listened more than that she told). “ My date actually found the story amusing, but it was a little awkward as I very much did not have the time nor the desire to date”

Pippa pauses to sneak a look at Hecate; she is slowly relaxing. Good. “ As I had told my friends – “ she rolls her eyes fondly at the memory “ I did not really have time to date, and I prefer these things to happen organically anyways. But it would have been very rude to say so, and I stayed and spend an enjoyable evening with Devon”

Pippa tries to ignore the new tension she can feel from the other woman, and resists the urge to touch her hand briefly, lest she startles Hecate so much she disappears again.  “Long story short, we started dating, and it was all fine in the beginning. But then there was a conference I needed to attend, and she simply insisted- “

“ S-she?” Hecate interjects, jolting.

Pippa stares at her. “ Hecate?”

“ But you- you aren’t? “ Pippa is distracted for a moment by the way Hecate cheeks are flushed, and she has this wide-eyed expression and her hair is fanned out on the pillow and Pippa is overcome with the very foolish, and even more powerful desire to kiss her.

When she has herself under control again, or as much under control as she can be around Hecate, Hecate’s question registers, and she pushes herself up abruptly. “ Wait- Hecate, did you believe I fancied wizards?”

“I- but – women?” Hecate splutters, and she would find it adorable were it not that she kind of wants to hex Hecate for her foolishness. I spend half my childhood flirting with you, you oblivious, hard-headed, impossible, gorgeous-

She takes a deep breath. “ Yes, I fancy women. Exclusively, actually. As do you”

Hecate stares at her with badly-concealed horror. “How did you- “

Pippa softens. “It is a bit obvious, Hiccup dear”

Hecate swallows. “It is?”

Pippa cannot stop herself this time, and feels around for Hecate’s hand until she finds it. She squeezes it briefly, then lets go. “Your students are likely too preoccupied with their own love lives to notice or care, Hiccup”

When Hecate remains silent, and doesn’t lose her slightly terrified expression, she adds “And just because you are a teacher, does not mean you need to abstain from love or..  “she flushes herself at the thought of Hecate like that, tries to push away a hundred fantasies and at least a dozen dreams she has had of Hecate where- “ sex”

Hecate honestly looks like she is having an aneurysm ,then suddenly blurts. “ You were telling me about this… Devon?”

“I – yes?” she looks at Hecate, who looks at her like “please, for the love of the Goddess, do not continue talking about this, I am very uncomfortable” so Pippa sighs and decides to let it go.

She pats Hecate’s hand briefly. “ Yes. So Devon was very jealous. I honestly think she was a bit insecure and that that is why she behaved this way. Anyways, it was not very obvious in the early stages of our relationship, but then there was this conference. And we had fights about this for at least a week, because she believed I had ulterior motives for wishing to go alone”

Hecate is frowning. “ It is a professional setting, it would hardly make sense to –“

Pippa smiles. Other people had always found Hecate boring or annoying because of things like these, but Pippa had either seen it as a challenge or just found it refreshing. “You will be shocked to hear then, Hiccup, that many witches – and wizards- use these meetings as hook-ups”

Hecate looks confused for a moment- likely by the term “hook-ups”- then absolutely scandalized. Pippa has to bite her lip to keep herself from laughing. “ I truly fear for the future of the Craft, when even the parents of our pupils behave so abysmally”

Pippa does laugh then, although she manages to stop quickly. “There is nothing wrong with winding down a bit, as long as it does not interfere with the reason you are actually attending the conference”

Hecate raises her eyebrow, but doesn’t say anything. Pippa rolls her eyes fondly at Hecate. “ Shall I continue with the story?”

“If you still wish to tell it” Hecate smirks slightly, and it is a testimony to how much their friendship has been repairing these past weeks that she feels comfortable enough to add “ After all, you already admitted to grossly unprofessional behaviour”

“Wh- I never did that actually” Pippa blushes, suddenly remembering a certain conference, when she was only barely out of witching academy, and Morgana Starling had been there and she had been so heartbroken still and so desperate to make it stop that-

“Pipsqueak?” Hecate questions, and Pippa shakes off the memory.

“I do apologize, I was getting lost in my head” she grimaces slightly. “ You know that still happens”

She doesn’t know what to make of the way Hecate looks at her, and says “ I know” after a brief pause.

“ All right. So where was I?”

“ You were telling me about this… Devon person and her issues with confidence and hence her insistence on following you everywhere”

“ Yes. So Devon and I had several large fights until I finally gave in, and allowed her to come with me” Pippa doesn’t mention that Devon hadn’t initially been so manic about this; it had only been after she had noticed that Hecate was on the guest list that she had demanded and begged and screamed at Pippa to let her come as well. She doesn’t explain, either, that Devon had known , that they had been at a workshop several months earlier and Hecate had been there and Pippa hadn’t been able to stop staring, hadn’t been able to concentrate on anything Devon had said that evening.

She takes a deep breath.  “The conference would last three days and it was all fine at first. After I let go of my initial hesitance, it was actually rather lovely- but then she somehow got it in her head that I was cheating on her”

Hecate raises an eyebrow. “I take it she did not react well”

“ You can say that. I had to focus on my own research but had her constantly following me, practically breathing fire whenever I so much as smiled at another witch, hurling accusations at me – it escalated to the point where I was speaking with a colleague and she was utterly convinced I was sleeping with her”

Hecate is silent for a moment, then says “ You are very affectionate”

“ What?”

“ I – “ Hecate stumbles over her words slightly, frowning. “ The way you speak to others, it is very… affectionate. Perhaps that is why she did not question her own behaviour and choose to disgrace herself this way?”

It takes Pippa a moment to realize Hecate is not taking her ex’s side, merely attempting to understand , and dissect her, in a way. She smiles. It is so utterly Hecate, to focus on everything people wouldn’t think important, and to react in a way that can easily be misunderstood. “ It could be” she agrees

“ I still fail to understand how this all relates to your snoring, however” Hecate says, raising her eyebrows slightly.

Pippa rolls her eyes playfully at her. “ Is this the same Hecate Hardbroom who is fond of saying that ‘patience is a virtue every witch should possess in abundance’ that is plainly telling me I am taking to long to get to the point?”

“ I am merely – “ Hecate flushes and stiffens beneath Pippa’s hold when Pippa blindly grabs for her hand, squeezes it once and lets it go.

“ I am teasing, Hicup. I know you dislike it when people keep winding on, and I do understand. It is merely that you require the events following up to our last fight to understand why it escalated the way it did”

Hecate is silent for another moment. “What happened?”

“ It was the last day of the conference, and I returned later from a lecture than expected. When I opened the door, the room was – well to say it was destroyed would be no exaggeration. Devon and I got into another fight and for some reason, she brought my snoring into it. I had never had any of my other lovers bring it up, so -  “

She cuts herself off when Hecate makes an odd sound, between choking and inhaling sharply. “ Hecate? Are you all- “

“ I am fine”

Perhaps it is Pippa’s imagination – she has been accused of an over imaginative one several times- but it as though the very air between them has changed suddenly. Pippa has to clear her throat several times before she can continue “Anyways, Devon insisted that I “snored so terribly that it could have woken a Welsh dragon in the midst of its hibernation” and I may have overreacted a tad”

“ Which means you- “

“ I screamed at her that if it was that horrendous, she could go find herself a girlfriend that did not make noise, and threw my keys in her face. That was an accident, but I was so furious and- “

“It was not her unreasonable, immature behaviour but the fact that she told you – correctly- that you snored that drove you to break up with her?”

“ She was being really mean about it!” Pippa protests.

“ I understand, but you were an adult at this time, were you not? And- “

It is Pippa’s turn to laugh when a stunned, disgraceful squeak escapes from Hecate when she is hit with the pillow.  “All right, I was a bit ridiculous but I truly thought this was the last of a load of codswallop. She had spun some thick hats before, after all”

“ Regardless, that was – “ Pippa just needs to hear that noise again, and Hecate does not disappoint.

“ I see you have not changed much since you- “ she stops the next hit “ This is behaviour unbecoming of- Pippa”

Pippa falls down on the pillow again laughing breathlessly. “ Oh goddess, I do apologize Hecate but the sounds you make” she wipes away a tear, and turns around in the bed to look at Hecate.

She almost bursts out laughing again when she notices her expression, but pushes herself up so she can better look at Hecate. “ Hiccup? Are you all right, I did not hurt you with my antics, did I?”

“No, I- “ Pippa is shocked by how still Hecate is, frozen enough that she could have been made by marble. Would that not be a statue I could stare at forever. It is only something hitting her head that allows her to tear herself away from her thoughts.

She gapes. “ Hecate Hardbroom, did you just hit me with a pillow?”

“ Do not be preposterous, I would never” Hecate says, voice harsh but for the slight hesitation. She scans Pippa, seemingly checking whether this is all right, before her eyes glance away again. She is very stiff again.

Oh that won’t do at all. “ You know Hiccup, I keep wondering about what has changed about you, and what has not changed one bit.. “ she keeps her voice casual, creeping closer to Hecate. Hecate glances at her, then stiffens that bit more.

“ I hardly think that is of any interest”

Pippa ignores her, and subtly pushes herself that bit closer. If Hecate shifted, she would probably brush Pippa’s arm or hand. “ For example, I do wonder ever so much – “ she waits a beat, long enough for Hecate to snap her head towards her and narrow her eyes.

“ Pippa Phyllis Pentangle, do not- “

“Are you still ticklish?” Pippa rushes out, then pulls Hecate towards her, releases her and shows no mercy. The moment her fingers brush Hecate’s side, the woman twitches and tries to shift away.

“ Pippa- “she speaks through gritted teeth, but then lets out a choked gasp when Pippa’s fingers brush her hip.

“We are no longer children, stop this behaviour this instant- “

“ Oh, you do not get off that easily Hecate. I will not fall for that” Pippa laughs, and brushes her fingers over Hecate’s arms, her hip and even her legs. By the time she has done this several times, Hecate is choking on laughter, and bucking so wildly that Pippa actually receives a elbow to her ribs.

She finally shifts away from Hecate, brushing her fingers against the spot that received a direct hit. She doesn’t stop laughing, and looks down at Hecate. The wind is knocked out of her more violently than if she were to accidentally fly into a tree (or get hit by a nymph’s tree again, long story)

She lays on her side, watching Hecate catch her breath for a moment – she is gorgeous, all red-faced and hair spread out wildly- before forcing herself to lay on her back. If she still knows Hecate, she knows that Hecate despises it when people stare at her, especially in vulnerable, open moments such as this one.

“ I cannot… believe… you just did.. that” Hecate manages to spit out.

“Surely you understand the importance of testing a hypothesis “she says, still laughing a bit.

“I do, but I hardly would accept this as viable research”

“Oh, I disagree very much. I have never had research as important as this” Pippa sobers slightly, and forces herself to only glance at Hecate, careful of her dislike of prolonged eye contact. “ Truly though Hecate, I am very happy that I have this chance to get to know you again”

It is silent for a while, and Pippa prepares to go to sleep, thinking that Hecate has fallen asleep or pretending to when she answers. “ I feel very much to say”

It is a wonder that Pippa manages to sleep at all, with how much that sentence affects her.  But she does, and she even sleeps long and deep until something wet pokes her cheek and she batts at it and turns around to scoot closer to the wonderful, lovely, perfect warmth against her, pushing her feet against the warm-

“ What in the name of- “ Hecate’s voice wakes Pippa, more or less. She yawns, then opens her eyes. She stares right into the face of one nonplussed witch.

She feels her cheeks heat up when she realizes what has happened; somewhere during the night, Pippa must have scooted closer to Hecate until she was laying on her chest, and the rest of her body thrown haphazardly over Hecate’s.

“I am so so- “ Hecate isn’t like Pippa’s other friends, actually does think twice about cuddling and kisses on the cheeks and everything else Pippa would do with other friends without it meaning anything. She only stops her apology because she realizes something. “ Is that your hand on my arse?”

Hecate was already a lovely shade of red, but now she flushes properly. She stammers something and Pippa is still staring at her because that hand is definitely low on her back, just touching- they only spring apart when the little bundle lands in between them.

Pippa shivers. She only now realize that her skin is goose bumping, every breath can actually be seen in front of her and – she grabs at the cold, stiff locks irritating her skin.

“How much of my hair is frozen?” she wonders

“It is mostly the tips, but we have more important things to concern ourselves with”

“Where are they?” Pippa wonders, dropping her hair but making a mental note to do something about it at later.

They both sit up fully, pushing the half-frozen blanket away from them. “I will capture the babe, will you- “

“ Get the potion? “ Pippa finishes, then nods. She slides out of bed, then yelps when her feet touch the floor. “ By Morgana’s  - we truly need to have a stern talking-to with our babe”

She quickly dresses herself with a snap of her fingers, making sure to get her warmest, softest pair of boots. She turns to Hecate. “ May I?”

“ I am able to dress myself , Pippa”

“ Yes, but am I correct in assuming that you only brought your usual outfits, and not something more suitable to this particular situation?”

When Hecate crosses her arms and raises an eyebrow, Pippa knows she is right. And that that is as close to a confession and permission she is going to get, so she snaps her fingers again.

Hecate slowly uncrosses her arms, and looks down at herself. She is wearing the same boots Pippa is, although hers are black. She is wearing long, dark black skinny jeans and a dark grey sweater. There is also a cape that is half-wrapped around her, which is a dark purple.

“ There. They’re my actual clothes, but I changed the colours as I didn’t think you would appreciate the pink”

“Thank you”

“ You are welcome”

Hecate looks at the jeans for a moment, then at Pippa. “ What are .. these?”

“ Surely you must have spend some time around Ordinary people, Hiccup” when Hecate just stares at her, Pippa laughs and says “ I have several children which come from non-magical families. They introduced me some Ordinary things. These are called “skinny jeans”, and I own several pairs “

“I prefer my usual clothing”

“ They look wonderful on you though” Pippa says, eying Hecate for a moment before tearing her eyes away and walking towards the brewed potion and filling a small bowl with it. She hears Hecate mutter something behind her, and feels the familiar sensation of Hecate’s casting. When she turns, there is another part of the room frozen but there is a small shape curled around Hecate’s neck, it’s dark, spiky tail batting at her hair.

It chirps happily when it notes she is looking at it, then jumps into her arms. She levitates the bowl, so that she can catch it. She chuckles when it buts it head against her cheek, then carefully brushes its snout against her cheek. The scales are cold and slightly slimy, a good sign.

“ Hello there” she says gently, wrapping her magic around it and allowing it to tug at her hair.

It chirps again, then purrs, long and slow. She levitates the bowl towards it, then clicks her tongue when it turns its head away. “ You need to drink this, sweetheart”

Hecate marches over to them when it refuses again. She gives it a stern look, then offers the bowl. The dragon hisses, its colours turning a deep, dark green before it jumps on top of Pippa’s head and curls up.

“ Do not be stubborn” she chides it, pushing the bowl in its face. Pippa bites on her lip when she hears another hissing face, and Hecate stumbles backwards, her hairline now streaked with grey and white.

“How- “

“Hiccup, stop it” she chides her. Hecate is great with animals, but she is still very strict and Pippa doubts that will work with this one. “ Pour some of it in my hands” she suggests, cupping her hands to form a sort of bowl. She raises it slightly, waiting patiently.

There are three short chirps before the dragons lands carefully on her lower arm, stretching its neck to sniff the potion. There is another purr and Pippa chuckles when the long tongue laps it all up quickly.

While the dragon is drinking, she focuses on Hecate. “ What do we name them?”

Hecate glances at her, the twitch almost indecipherable. But Pippa catches it, the way she catches any smile or half-smile Hecate ever gifts her with.  “ Khrysopteron. We can call them Khry for short”

Pippa is silent for a moment, then nods and gives Hecate her brightest smile before focusing on “Welcome to the world, Khry . We are your mothers”

In case you are wondering, the name Khrysopteron was an epithet from the Greek goddess Iris (goddess of the rainbow ehe). It is also my personal headcanon that Hecate speaks several languages, of which Greek is probably one, and that she has read nearly every ancient work there is (whether she has a high opinion of authors such as Homer or Euripides is another matter altogether).

This is part 1, I am writing a part 2 that will be set at least a few weeks later, possibly a few months and deal more with Khry and them parent-trapping their disaster mothers.

[micropenisunveiled-blog]

SIZE MATTERS

My micropenis is approximately 1 inch long when flaccid and the length of a AA battery when fully erect. It is proportionately thin. Various studies suggest that the average penis is 2.8–3.9 inches flaccid and around 4.7–6.3 inches when erect.

Penis length Nomogram: An erect average penis length is 13cm

For years I was deeply ashamed of my micropenis, and that is largely because of things I hear people say about men who have small endowment. I can only speak from personal experience, but I have heard both gay men and straight female friends making fun of men for the size of their manhood. Movies, television shows, jokes all speak to the popular idea that being small is inferior to being big.  At one time, I actually overheard three or four of my colleagues at work all agreeing that "men with small dicks should be made to wear a sign warning women.

Internet blogs, you-tube videos, and articles i have read time and again that for a huge number of people, tiny penises are simply undesirable. I am 25 and have had my share of gay sexual experience (through personal choice), but have also had sex with one women, which was humiliating, to say the least.  All of the men either wanted me to suck them, or wanted to fuck me. I have learned to be a power bottom.

MY ONE EXPERIENCE WITH A WOMAN

It was more than 3 years ago with Lori, a very attractive university student at ECU in Ada, Oklahoma.  I am somewhat surprised how often women find me attractive.  I have had friends tell me it is because they sense I am not on the prowl.  When I stripped, Lori stared at my micropenis, giggled, and put her hand to her mouth, muttering simply "okay" in a tone that suggested she was taken aback. When it came to actually performing, first I found that the condom wouldn’t stay on, but more frustratingly, my micropenis kept falling out every time I tried to penetrate her. Even when I was inside her, she kept asking me the old joke question, "Is it in yet," except in this case she actually said it to me.  Every time she asked me that, I wanted to die. It was clear that she was getting nothing out of the experience.

I tried my best to make her happy via oral sex, and while men have told me I am good with my tongue, she did seem to enjoy that and had at least two or three orgasms. My mouth and tongue were almost numb by the end of the experience, and my penis, having been completely ignored kept throbbing painfully.  . And that was the end of it.

I can only imagine the level of disappointment and frustration she must have felt. It must have been a horrendous experience for her. Furthermore, a couple of days later, I did something, which on reflection, I now regret. I walked 2 miles to her apartment to leave her a box of Nestle Mint After Eights, which I had bought to show both appreciation for her intimacy and also as an apology. What kind of loser does that? What was I thinking? That she had had sex with a pathetic excuse for a man, but that it was all worth it in the end because she got some chocolate instead? I couldn’t help feel like she deserved better.

MEDIA EXPECTATIONS

Aside from personal experiences, the media doesn’t help micropenis shame either. Movies, TV Shows, our recent Republican Primary, Books, Articles, even You Tube videos, make the message clear: Small cocks are not good enough.

From my experience (having read hundreds of articles, blogs and forum posts, videos, and having spoken to hundreds of people online), it feels safe to say that the overwhelming majority of partners aren't thrilled about the prospect of sex with micropenises. And if we don’t accept that these views are likely the majority, then we are never going to challenge this blatant discrimination.  One of my very close friends offers this point of view:  Should a man be required to be attracted to redheads, or women with small breasts?  Making people wrong for what they find attractive is not the solution.

Does penis size really matter?  It seems to matter more to men than women.  Only 11.2% found it very important, while 67.4% found it “somewhat important”.

Surprisingly, gender made a difference to the results of both average size and ideal length, as women expected less for both sections.  On average, women thought the average penis length was 5.4 inches, with their  ideal size measuring 6.2 inches.

But for men, the average size penis was believed to be 5.5 inches and the  ideal length came to 6.5 inches.

I would like to ask people to think about this: If you are attracted to somebody enough to ask them to bed, and if the guy is kind to you, is it fair to write him off based on size alone?

SURVIVAL

So what do I plan to do about my love life? The answer is nothing. I try to focus my life on my writing and other subjects that interest me. If I started to look for love, it would just make me feel down, and I already struggle with depression and anxiety secretly. I don’t need the humiliation and hurt that looking for love would bring me. Sure, everybody gets rejected, but usually for less hurtful reasons.

SHAME

Guys with micropenises know they are not well-endowed, they don’t need reminding of it. If I’m attracted to a man I know I can be a capable bottom to please him.  What my male friends have in their pants doesn’t matter to me; I am not sure why they might think differently of me because of what i have in mine.  But they do.  It is what it is.  The deep shame I have experienced about my body especially as a teenager made me feel like everyone else's opinion must be right, that there was something wrong with my size.

FINAL THOUGHTS ABOUT OUR CULTURAL EXPECTATIONS

Expectations in different countries are different, as you might expect.  I have copied the table below for you to review which illustrates differences in perception.

Intellectually I know that size has no more meaning than blue eyes or brown.  But emotionally I know that in our culture for most people SIZE MATTERS. The little bit of research there is on the topic suggests less rejection of partners with a micropenis by straight women, than by gay men.  You can have an intact self esteem, and still feel the pain of rejection. Political correctness hasn’t made its way around to protecting the lesser hung.  We have to thicken our skin as another unsung minority.