#I was really excited about quantum leap before it was in the air but now I wish this new series was an ao3 fic | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

themaybewoman · 3 years

Text

You’ll Make It So Damn Big (for all the world to see)

A/N: A warm-up drabble that turned into an interpretation of Eobard Thawne’s speedforce origins.

[Read on AO3]

It feels like everybody around him is growing up. The world turns into a frenzy, as every which way the winds are blowing, but Eobard – the young Thawne standing on the precipice of adulthood – looks out on all sides and realises he’s not one of them. The winds are swirling, almost all in the same direction, but his feet are stuck to the ground, cemented in his past, a prison of his own making; His history holds him.

He still feels that, someday, he’ll make a name for himself. Just like his parents did and now want for him, just like the Thawne lineage predetermines, yet the wish he’d make is for the way of getting there – if only it wasn’t riddled with so many holes, hills, walls, and chasms to leap across. He wishes that the way he’d get there – his mandatory future – had support beams and bright lights. However, the only light for him is the hope glimmering at the end – a candlelight only one person cast upon him (a person who doesn’t even know who he is).

The thing about unrequited love is that it almost never pans out, and the back of his mind tells him this every single day. Phrases of You’ll never meet him and Find a different passion, a more sustainable one configure inside his mind, almost all sounding like someone he knows, and whatever configuration the words are in, the idea is the same: give up, go home, fall in line with the whipping whirlwinds, the status quo, and make a mansion inside of that. That’s what his father did, and a highly esteemed politician he made: governor currently campaigning for senator where a bigger name could be made. Make something like that. That’s what his mother did, and prize-worthy, scientific breakthroughs she’s already made, not to mention the world-winning books for which she’s gone on tours.

How many times has Eobard dressed for a public event congratulating his parents on their mighty achievements? How many times has he laid awake at night, wondering how on Earth he was going to top them? How many times did he fume when he saw his brother’s report card on the fridge when his own straight A’s were never satisfactory? How much longer does he have to endure this, how much longer until it’s his name written in the clouds, in the stars, uttered from the lips of people across the nation, across the world?

Hopefully soon.

But it’s just his luck that the one idea he’s rooted to feels like a pipedream.

City lights drown out the stars above. He longs to move someplace rural, far removed from the bustle of everyday, where he can see the cosmos. He doesn’t need a firsthand look (although what an adventure going to space would be!), but he wants the steadfastness, it’s array of little pinpricks of hope, just like his, to make him feel less alone.

Once upon a time, he learned the stars made sounds, so maybe he’ll invent a device that lets a human hear the sounds – the actual sounds, not a recreation. Would that be enough? Would people like that, love that, praise him and his ingenuity for that? Or would they still yearn for a greater greatness, juicing the life out of him until he’s left with the bare essentials, the pulp, the carbon form?

If he could scream ‘STOP!’ and earn a breather, he would.

And if he possessed the powers of The Flash, he could. He would race for the Canadian tundra and catch the northern lights, or race up a mountain and sleep on its peak.

At least he’s close. So close, he can taste promise of lightning in his veins. In preparation of the reaction, he has the chemicals in order and the electricity on standby, and he knows how to contain the dark matter wave. What he needs now is... well, all he ever needed. He thought by recreating the speedforce accident, he’d bestow upon himself the confidence he always lacked, but standing here physically prepared to leap, he hesitates in the realisation that the confidence he needs must come a bit sooner than that, lightning before the storm.

It’s a catch twenty-two.

He sees every step ahead of him in crystal clarity, he sees what he gets out of it, but what he lacks for this first step he’ll gain with his last. Can the stars shed light on this conundrum and tell him what to do?

Unfortunately, stars don’t exist in the city.

Eobard exhales, his lungs fogging up the two a.m. air. The murky navy-brown of sky mirrors in his eyes. Once, they seemed so clear, so decisive. Why can’t he call upon the twenty-year-old him for this? Better yet, his seven-year-old body and mind, all fascination and no doubt. All eagerness, no fear. Perhaps society’s ruined him. Perhaps his parents’ values have snuck their power around him like ivy. Perhaps he isn’t cut out for this after all.

“Of course, you are,” he grumbles to himself. “No one else is bold enough– let alone smart enough– to piece together any of what you did!”

Perhaps he just doesn’t want too.

He lifts his forearms off the railing he’s leaning against, and fingers fasten around the metal, turning his knuckles white.

Amber lights wash over the storage district of Keystone City spreading before him. It’s the cheapest place he found where he could set up his experiments; the undisclosed building he rents reside near a crisscross of highways, over and under-passing each other over. It’s his safe haven for all scientific pursuits – the legal research of a quantum physicist, and the illegal research of a speedforce-enthused young man.

Do you really want this? a part of him insists on asking again. The buzzing silence with which the rest of his mind replies scares him.

Yes. Yes! Of course I want this!

His feet break contact with the fire escape. His hands shove off from the rail.

Then, stop thinking and get the fuck inside.

Eobard spins on his heel and wrenches the emergency exit open. He steps into the rented facility and makes his way through tables and equipment, until he’s reached his chemical set up. There’s a viewing deck – small – cluttered with a couple monitors, matching keyboards, and a mug drained of tea. To the right is the contraption he’ll step inside, shining stainless steel and clear vials and straps to which his wrists and feet will be bound. In all its glory, it looks unpleasant, but appearances don’t matter – he repeats it like a mantra to appease his fluttering stomach – as it’s a means to an end only he will be experiencing. Risks have to be taken if anything is to be made of yourself.

The young Thawne takes to the viewing platform and pulls aside a monitor. Checking levels, checking contraption ability. Checking twice, then thrice. Stalling? No. Ensuring his safety? That’s more like it. The calculations, they appear sound, so Eobard hovers his fingers above go.

When he presses, he’ll have a minute. A minute until true ‘go’, a minute to prepare himself, a minute to slide into the machine and wait. If I press now, he promises, only sixty seconds stand between me and The Flash.

So, press now.

Only twenty-four years old (and a few more months until his next number up), and he’s on the verge of unlocking a brave new world for himself. His father didn’t win his first court case until twenty-seven. His mother didn’t make her first discovery until twenty-six. His brother still hasn’t done anything remarkable. I’ll be ahead of the curve.

So, maybe I’m not as much of a lost cause as everybody thought.

Guilt and the shame shed from his skin the second he presses into the space bar.

Eobard sets himself up inside the machine; steel bands wrap around his wrists and clamp around around his ankles. The machine’s generator starts to whir, glass vials of multicoloured liquid begin to drain, a rainbow, into and underneath his skin. Into me! The machine vibrates– so heavily it vibrates that the floor itself begins to rumble with power. His power, he made it. And he can taste it better than he ever has: a promise.

I’m ready.

—

An explosion rips through his body. It’s of white fire, all his nerves igniting with pure light. His eyes, his nose, his mouth fill with brilliance. His ears ring with blazing song. The metal cuffs dig into his skin as he body tries to fly forward.

At first, he thinks he’s grown numb; perhaps his calculations were off, perhaps he’s dead now and this is it; his stomach rolls and knots itself; but mere seconds after the thought, all thoughts knock away as he slams down. The floor beneath him is cold and rough, and it should have hurt. All he feels, however, is the fire of explosion.

The whiteness dies from his eyes. His eyes return to the compound, everything coming into focus only tinted in red. Around his body, blood still races a warmth, a cosmic warmth, the same warmth he feels gazing at the milky way they’re situated inside while his feet stand on grass – a warmth it is as if the universe were wrapping him in blankets.

Electricity shivers up and down his spine, and peering down at his hands, he notices his nerves aren’t the only thing dancing at impossible speeds. He hands and ankles shiver through the metal cuffs, which fall unceremoniously (and broken) to the floor.

Have I done it?

By analysing the current evidence, he suspects so, and his mind starts leaping to further conclusions and future tests, but at the present moment with relief and excitement and glee and triumph shooting up and flushing the nerves straight out of his system, there is really only one thing to do now. Only one way can he prove if he’s really done it, if he’s really become The Flash of the future...

Eobard steps forward, cautiously optimistic...

That single step takes him to the other side of the room.

Exhilarating!

What would twenty do? he thinks, counting as he bursts out of the building. Thirty? Sixty!? A hundred?!

Eobard Thawne bursts into the night, a streak of red following him the entire way out. Sneakers slapping against the road, he rushes through wind which shoves over trash cans and swirls litter into the air. He follows the curving, ramping highway, beating cars in a spontaneous race. The coat around him heats to an uncomfortable degree, so he throws it off, and once it’s off, it’s void, it’s out of his mind. I’m running! His feet are slapping and his thoughts are racing and every details is sharp, pristine. His heart is pumping, each pound five times stronger than ever before–!

Before long, he’s out of the city.

He’s out of the state–

–out of the country, before he comes out of autopilot.

The lightning fades when his feet skid against permafrost, limbs lit up for a second as red crackles around them, a sign of transferring energy – motion to rest. The air he huffs from his lungs condenses into a greater cloud than it did in Keystone. He knows it’s could, he feels the chill gracing his arms beneath his long-sleeve with goosebumps, but it doesn’t quench the redhot now filling him up inside. Cold is no match against raw power, and this raw power is his gasoline; he can run with it forever and ever, never batting an eye.

He tilts his head to the sky. A beautiful spread of cosmic wonder, through which northern lights flow – a river of green, violet, and red. The stars, at last, are his to see. He breathes, in and out.

You’ve made it, Eo. For all the world to see.

#eobard thawne #reverse flash #the flash #arrowverse #ajr #dctv #fanfiction #lilly's fanfiction #writing #the flash fanfiction #speedforce #next up forever #ajr brothers #neotheatre

2 notes · View notes

cateringisalie · 3 years

Text

9 years later and we have at last got a new Eva film and the end of the Rebuild project.

Much was made at the start of Rebuild of the desire to introduce Eva to a new audience. 1.0 more or less leant into its original goal and restaged episodes 1 to 6 of the TV series with a bigger budget, CGI, some more blunt and early reveals and a few weird alterations for the existing fan base. The Angel numbering was off; everyone knows Lilith is stuck in the basement, Seele just default to their monoliths. Kaworu is actively introduced at the tail-end rather than alluded to in the opening titles. As an intro, its fine (though most would agree the equivalent stage of the TV series isn’t really a struggle to cope with either), though a few stylistic and environmental changes lead many to conclude this was a direct sequel to End of Evangelion. 2.0 seemed content to build off of the intro but steer away from the relevant section of episodes – roughly 8 to 17. Recognisable moments like the falling Angel, the corrupted Unit 03 and the ribbon angel and Unit 01’s impossible reactivation share the screen with altered relationship dynamics. Now we get Mari one of the few wholly new characters who gets to open the second film in a wildly dramatic fashion. The key of Nebuchadnezzar (which does at least re-enter proceedings in the final film, but I am even shakier on what it is or used for – even fandom seem to have struggle to explain this as anything other than a blunt drop-in replacement for the Adam embryo in the TV series). And come the end its time for Third Impact already, Shinji altering the world around him to rescue Rei from the depths of an Angel. Kaworu uses an unfamiliar spear to incapacitate Shinji and the preview hints at a story further from the rails than ever. 3.0 is as promised more or less completely divorced from anything Eva had done before. Just not the off-the rails version 2.0 advertised. Some will be quick to note that none of the Rebuild previews have entirely accurately advertised their subsequent instalment; 1.0’s features at least one key scene that never happened (Mistao slapping Ristuko in a seeming allusion to the Sea of Dirac Angel) while even the sequences of animation that did make it look nothing alike. Which is fair, but even then 2.0’s bears absolutely no resemblance to 3.0 and even 3.0’s very strange preview doesn’t really jibe with 3.0+1.0 ultimately. 3.0 is post-post-apocalypse and with a whole 14 years just evaporated between films. There’s a distinct last third of Nadia feel to it. About the only part similar to a former incarnation is Kaworu and Shinji’s relationship which while not even roughly mapping to episode 24 serves the same function; to make Shinji distraught before the climax of this story. But 3.0 is also the point where that initial premise of the series slams headlong into the drift from familiar territory. Where the film is a quantum leap away from the mystery terms and slow reveals. The oddities and confusions pile up given the glimpsed state of the world, the strange gridded moon, the sea of Eva corpses, the strange state of Lilith in the depths of Nerv. An awful lot happened while Shinji was (for reasons no one has explained or seems to care about except me) IN SPACE and the film only ever alludes to the sequence of events occurring between these two films in the broadest of strokes. Which if done a certain way can be compelling though I did not find it to be the case here in the slightest. It’s a huge struggle to build up even a vague idea of what went down and that’s with heavy deferral back to the TV series again. If you’re new, none of this means much of anything. Even mixed media doesn’t help. The reveal there was a limited run manga of events prior to 3.0 had a potential for answers, but upon reading a synopsis... Nope. Helps not even a tiny amount. Also this mixed media attitude is never to be encouraged. So, I didn’t like film 3 much at all. Film 4 does little to not be based on where it left off. Which is a small mercy that it doesn’t effectively toss everything out again and skip further ahead in time. And 3.0+1.0 does at least make use of some of what 2.0 revealed and setup in the spirit of trying to get this into something cohesive. It fails, but it tried. Maybe the points it touches on were the intended direction of the films. Maybe Anno changed his mind on this one. It’s not like Rebuild’s failure to cohere should be a surprise – the title of the film is simply confusing in sequence. Titled neither 4.0 nor 4.44, instead we have the pretty inexplicable 3.0+1.0 which is just annoying to type. Even thematically this doesn’t feel right given its more like 2.0 mushed into 3.0 but I suppose that’s technically film 5 so... Unless, 1.0 here is supposed to mean the original TV series or EoE, which... End of Evangelion figures unexpectedly largely in the film. Could be that its meant to infer some collection of the Eva cast (the original pilots + Mari? The Ikari family + Mari? The pilots from 1.0 (Shinji and Rei) plus the pilots from 3.0 (Asuka and Mari)?). The other part of course, is that the three prior films had titles in the form of [Thing](Not)]Thing]. 3.0+1.0 decides to dispense with this entirely and instead is titled “Thrice Upon a Time”. Nothing like confusing matters (and instead media library ordering) by not only giving the film a title that puts it before the 3rd film (since prior to this cinema releases are .0 and the home media (excepting the first release of 1.0) are triple digits of their instalment number) but also has another reference to three within it. It might be some kind of holy trinity allusion, some play on Third Impact, or an acknowledgement that this is theoretically the third version of events surrounding the end of the world (if you take TV series as 1, EoE as 2, and Rebuild as 3). Also potentially a literary reference about cyclical time and messages from the future which is all well and good and fits into a whole other essay about how Rebuild and FFVII Remake are operating on the same basis and making many of the same mistakes by both trying to be fan-service for the new fans and draw in new ones and do the big fan-moments similarly but diverge wildly off in others. Good start! The final film starts with bombast as per 2 and 3 (and thus focused on Mari) though the setup and point of the action is possibly more confused and less explicable (which is saying something given 3.0 opened with retrieving Unit 01 from space. No, I will continue to complain about not getting this. Yes it was very exciting but why was Unit 01 in space? In a strange crucifix coffin. Anyone at all?) – and only vaguely connected to anything resembling the plot. At least 2.0 and 3.0 had some immediate and long term stakes with a cover for Kaji stealing something and bringing Shinji into the plot. This film opens with a scrounge for spare parts in a red Paris that the tertiary cast make no longer red while Mari fights off a massed horde of Evas while battleships are puppeteered from orbit. It’s all terrible cool and everything, but given at no point do we even begin to understand what is going on or what the stakes even are. Which is a problem with the latter half of the sequence. 2.0 might have started with an Eva vs Angel fight but while there was ambiguity over the situation it at least seemed to lead into the eventual plot. Here we’re getting Eva spare parts for later and a whole dose of new terminology the film has no interest in explaining. Which is par for the course for prior Eva incarnations but again, I feel there was more explanation setting the weirdness up. Here we are reduced to keywords that sound important. The film proper opens with our familiar trio of Eva pilots winding up at a village with their old classmates (which of course, to follow the proliferations of 3 all the way down and also match to Tokyo-3, is in fact, Village 3. The far future sequel to Resident Evil 8 presumably). Who are necessarily now 14 years older than them. Asuka is naked (in a sequence to contrast to 1.0 and 2.0) or in her underwear for far too much of this sequence (and just as creepy as 2.0 got with this) as Shinji struggles in the aftermath of Kaworu’s death, Ayanami (critically not the Rei of 2.0) learns about life (and visits a library with – I’m not kidding – a poster for Sugar Sugar Rune on display. I like to think not many in the audience caught this slightly odd reference). 30 minutes of the film are taken up with Rei being happy and contented with her life while Shinji slowly recovers and re-enters polite society (sulks, throws up at the sight of the DSS collar, is insulted and force-fed). There’s a good case for this section just being an unnecessary time filler, though you don’t need to fill time in a film that is 2 ½ hours. But if it was cut down, perhaps it would have the same strange feeling as 1.0 had where the aftermath of Shinji’s second Angel fight lead was mostly skipped and left that part of 1.0 feeling strangely hasty and actively (and badly) abridged. Maybe that’s just my familiarity with the source material again. There’s still an edge of weirdness in the air on the film hits the 45 minute mark; even prior to this gigantic sections of the land are missing, and some things just float around now (apparently because). Past this mark is where weirdness creeps in; the barriers keeping the village from suffering the fate of Paris – the structures a curious match to the Cocytus facility at the start of 2.0. There are headless Eva copies who roam the landscape. An indicator on Ayanami’s suit runs down. Shinji is advised to talk to his father before he loses the opportunity forever. This one made me laugh, and even Asuka comments that given who Shinji’s father is and what he’s done don’t really make this plausible (or sensible). Ayanami concludes her pastoral life and this stage of the film by transforming back to her original white plug-suit; her AT Field then dissipates and she bursts in a familiar spill of LCL. For such a previously central character, Rei or Ayanami or Lilith will have exceptionally little bearing on the remainder of the film. The plot now kicks in properly as Gendo decides enough is enough and he’s going to be doing some world ending. Our Eva pilots are ready but not the same; we have Asuka, Mari and Shinji. And standing orders for Shinji to be shot if he tries to pilot anything (but given we’re at the end of the world and basically the original plan fails to stop Nerv bringing about the end of the world, that people still try to shoot him is... a little weird and an almost pointless resolution of factors the quaternary cast brought up in 3.0). The entire rest of the film is even more impenetrable and confusing than Kaworu’s sweeping explanations of what happened between films 2 and 3. If 3.0 fumbled the ball on being newcomer friendly 3.0+1.0 actively doesn’t care. Not that familiarity with series helps since so much new terminology is thrown at the audience. The entire cast – literally the entire cast – are not only caught up on but also understand the varying levels of psychological, biological and religious nonsense that Eva has formerly wielded as something almost coherent. You, as audience member, are not privy to a fraction of this understanding and thus left to flail for the remainder of the film making what you can of the maddening breadcrumb trail of exclamations and partial explanations. Shinji is no help here and infuriatingly asks barely a single question about what is going on (thankfully he does prompt Gendo to explain a few things – presumably where even the staff had gotten lost on what was supposedly going on). For existing fans, you might get a sense of it by application of known quantities from the previous incarnations (I pity newcomers struggling to make sense of this). What the Lance of Cassius is a thing introduced abruptly into the series – and contrasted with the Lance of Longinus you can muddle through to get some idea of what was going on. 3.0+1.0 however, decides that even that grip on its story is too much and adds a bunch more unnamed spears. Some of them formed from Lilith. This is a thing of some import apparently, though ultimately is effectively buzzword name-checking. We know who Lilith is in context from both 1.0 and the TV series but how that relates to spear formation is beyond me. And then there’s the part where one of the flying ships (there were four made according to Seele’s plan. Seele, the former sinister puppet-masters, who died in film 3, and if the flying ships were their idea or this stated at all, I had totally forgotten it in the last 9 years (checking wikia seems to indicate no one else knew this either so I feel vindicated). Seele feel an artefact of the old Eva Anno has no time for – EoE had what equated to three groups vying for control of the process of human instrumentality. Seele are adhering to a prophecy of sorts, Gendo is trying to subvert that process for his own ends, and Misato is trying to stop it. In terms of economical story-telling, the distinction between Seele and Gendo’s goals in causing Third Impact are so slim as to be basically zero (few critical differences though), I suspect Seele were deemed unnecessary and shuffled out of proceedings hastily despite their continued name-checking at this late stage) is turned into another spear because if all the spears are used up, the end of the world can’t be averted. You will have to forgive me for failing to notice how and where most of these spears (save three) wound up or what most of that means or why or how or anything. But we have a budget to squander and why not channel the Gurren Lagann energy for action one last time? And there is some action, this presumably part of what a good section of the audience have waited for with baited breath, that thing the TV series so rapidly lost interest in; that EoE staged for narrative cruelty. Smashy giant robot action time! So we get billions of Eva enemies for Asuka and Mari to cut through without problem. They explode and fall away despite exhaustively overwhelming numbers. There is a palpable lack of threat here. A few hitches but nothing the pilots can’t cope with. It’s just empty fan-service, a boast about how much can be rendered into a single frame. We get Asuka, unable to stab critically important Unit 13 (looking distinctly Unit 01-like just with four arms), and then hooking into an odd leftover thread from 2.0. Her accident in the activation test of Unit 03 has left her with a part of herself now more correctly classified as an Angel. And like 2.0 for surprise value, her Eva has special Angel blood injectors to again overcharge her Eva (which seems to be a thing in the latter three films – turn the Eva safety off and go beserk. As if Unit 01 didn’t do that all on its own in the first and second film). And this too fails. But this too is just another moment of important and pretention. Where the audience is meant to gasp at Eva/Angel hybridisation (not that the dividing line between Angles and Evas is ever completely clear (not least Unit 03)), at Asuka revealing herself to be part Angel (as if Kaworu and Rei weren’t established examples). So her Eva bloated and animalistic is... just another moment. We saw this in 2.0 with Mari releasing her limiters. We saw it in 3.0 in almost the same way. The distinction isn’t meaningfully different to the last few times the Evas were let off the leash and became more brutal. And just like the prior times this escalation of Eva body horror, ferocity, blood and over-indulged violence doesn’t actually help the situation. Asuka fails in her task as the Unit 13 counter-attacks. She’s saved by getting pulled out of reality moments before her end. Of course this being narrative, this being Eva; Gendo, the architect of this situation, is three steps ahead. Misato’s flying ship is badly and perhaps critically damaged so Gendo can retrieve the limbless body of Unit 01 formerly powering the flying ship. Shooting Gendo doesn’t work thanks to the key of Nebuchadnezzar (which did... Uh. Something? Kaji noted it as the lost number kept as a spare in 2.0 which implied Angel or Eva or... No I don’t know nor can I make sense of what it’s done to Gendo. Wikia informs me that while it’s never seen on-screen past the one time, its case is in some shots of 3.0. How amazing) and he leaves. And thus, of course, Shinji must get in the f-ing robot once more. But we’re back to the confident, more certain Shinji who 2.0 birthed as we enter the last (but still very long) final stage of the film – and restage End of Evangelion. Curious of course; EoE by turns can feel like a legitimate replacement for the final two TV series episodes or a bleakly, darkly, disturbing and flippant retort to the low-budget metaphysic version of the TV apocalypse. EoE to some has been not so much the intended ending (though buying a complete set of the old Eva in Japan will always net you the 26 original TV episodes, the four amended episodes and EoE), but more a poisoned chalice for the people who wanted a less introspective version of the end of the world and the process of human instrumentality. Anno was free to do what he wanted and veer off the tracks here – he can’t get away from the end of the world – this is integral to Eva’s base concept. 2.0’s glimpse of Second and the starts of Third Impact depict a process completely unfamiliar from the TV series’s version (reading Wikia explains some of 2.0’s imagery but is still bewildering with reference to 3.0+1.0’s reveals). In Rebuild, the end of the world is staged in the space below the strange aftermath of Second Impact, in an anti-universe where humans cannot venture. And yet, we are still clearly revisiting End of Evangelion. Not exactly the same, but a lot of imagery (the symbols in the sky, the gigantic form of Lilith at multiple points, the crucifix explosions across Earth’s surface) – to say nothing of some actual sections of animation – are taken straight from the 1997 film. Those moments and images were haunting and disturbing (the more overtly sexualised imagery has been completely removed). Clearly no matter what was said at the time or in the interim, EoE is in fact how the ending must play out; this is, or has become, what happens externally and internally when these characters attempt to force a next stage of evolution. The End of Evangelion will always be the end. ...just not quite the same. Not least it is missing most of the infamous moments (Shinji in Asuka’s hospital room is notably completely absent). There’s no moment where Shinji strangles Asuka, Komm Susser Tod is missing entire (in favour of something similar sounding but in Japanese), the live-action sequences of the empty cinema or the world without Evas aren’t utilised (though some live action footage is included), Rei betraying Gendo and beginning Third Impact outside his control etc. It's actively absurd to type this, but Lilith – Lilith! – has less character here. Which is so astonishingly absurd given the only depiction of Lilith we get is effectively Rei/Rei was Lilith the entire time, but those introspective sequences hinting at something more involved with Rei or the points Lilith does talk directly to Shinji are gone too. This shouldn’t be a surprise – we are after all missing a Rei character at the climax. Mostly. 3.0+1.0 almost expects you to remember the last time you saw Eva end the world and contrast it to this new version. The EoE imagery, the footage of Lilith descending from the crucifix, the looming figure of Lilith rising as humanity ends. Even something like the sequence of the backsides of cels running backward is reused – this footage also cribbed from EoE and played out on a wall between two characters. The animation breaks down into scratchy storyboards and later degenerates from finished footage down to outlines, animatics, and storyboard. The end of the world is this time around is more heavily meta. Both EoE and the TV episodes “staged” the process of Instrumentality (or parts of it) for Shinji. It occurs in filming spaces and on sets, there’s lighting equipment and dolls as stand-ins. The strange artificiality of pulling back the curtain on the TV or film production, or else the effect of setting the camera back further than you should for filming a theatrical experience. But even that’s a false layer given a true pull-back would be to people in front of computers or previously drawing key-frames. Here the staging is more blunt still. It begins with an Eva vs Eva fight between Gendo and Shinji in the anti-universe where their brains make sense of the impossible space with artificially staged areas of familiar locations. A fight in a city has a huge sheet as a backdrop and carboard buildings the Evas kick around. They fight in front of Nerv headquarters and in Misato’s kitchen. A blow knocks over a section of scenery and sprawls Shinji in the studio space surrounding the set. A crossroads of sort where Shinji will move on from Gendo to meet with Rei, Kaworu and Asuka. The major difference to EoE is that the end here is much more concerned with Gendo; we dive into his psyche and his past. His isolation and desire for it. This feels extremely confessional for Anno all things considered given Gendo was always previously kept at arm’s length. This feels revealing about the man behind it all, a reflection of the director. He has admitted during production that at his stage of life he is far closer to Gendo than Shinji – I think this is barely obfuscated here. The flashback is more about understanding Gendo and how Yui changed him than anything about Evas or the end of the world. Gendo’s motivation is revealed to be the same as always; this is how he gets to be with Yui again. Odd details catch as this past plays out. And is that Mari in his memories? Mari, who Fuyustuki calls Mary Iscariot upon meeting her and has prepared something for her. Which feels much more like religious buzz words; there’s an obvious implication coached in that selection of a name, but how it actually relates to the story or the circumstances is really unclear. Nor am I clear on what Fuyutsuki prepared. He explodes into LCL like last time too. The process is so close to EoE but the mood is lighter and the reasoning behind the cast a little different. Asuka is part of a clone series – same as Rei. Just without the physical signifiers that Kaworu and Rei exhibit and the prior short-hand for clones in this universe (as noted, their design is intended to invoke lab rats). Nice consistency there. The beach ending from EoE is re-done under a blue sky; Asuka is saved thanks to Shinji and Mari working in concert. Kaworu’s beach meeting with Shinji is restaged, the newer, confident Shinji discussing the circular system that delivers Kaworu into his place at the end of the world. So Eva has happened before, meta-wise or time-wise or dimensionally. Take it as you will, no interpretation is more valid than another. Only that Kaworu remembers them all. It’s happened before and it’s expected to happen again. But Shinji’s different now, so the end of the world is different. Now it’s time to move on; Kaworu is left with Kaji to tend the earth assured the cycle of Eva productions is at an end – both have been dead all this time. Anno’s attitude to his seeming forever association with this one franchise his and his desire to set it down and move on? EoE finished in space; 3.0+1.0 finishes beneath the Antarctic. The idea of Unit 01 living forever as a testament to humanity is no factor at all Shinji intending (and his parents possibly driving) the final riddance of the Evas from reality – none can be allowed to remain. But now, the film takes an odd turn, and as with EoE, there’s the coda. In EoE this was the beach scene. For Rebuild: The sun shines, the sky is blue. An adult Shinji sits in a train station and meets with Mari. She’s older too now; the pair share a kiss and run from the station hand in hand. So. Uh. Yeah. That happened. There’s Kaworu and Rei seemingly alive and well as adults. And Asuka of course. But Shinji winds up with Mari. Mari who knew everything the whole time and might somehow have been part of Gendo’s group at university and known Yui and no, we are not getting any insight into those peculiarities! (or more plausibly it could be Mari’s mother who looks near identical to Mari but... What are we meant to take from this, really?). Mari who met Shinji in a handful of brief moments and has never spent any actual time with him. Mari won the love-triangle! But this is not some simple alternate reality, a different better take world where the cast existed in something resembling our reality; Shinji still wears the exploding DSS collar given to him before rejoining the giant robot fray. Mari effortlessly removes it from his neck. The film ends with a live-action sequence – this is reportedly Anno’s hometown. The world without Evas; we passed the relevant date while 3.0+1.0 was stalled. Shinji made it to 2014, or more plausibly past it in a world without Second Impact. And he’s happy, well-adjusted, and... Not really recognisable as Shinji. Shinji now exists in the present, not the future as he had for so long in pop-culture. But he’s in a different 2021; a world without the pandemic. And that was Rebuild; a project intended as a new introduction to Evangelion that blatantly had its entire core conceit revised at least twice (the 4th film delayed because of Shin Godzilla and then a struggle to write at all) that increasingly and confusingly leant more and more on its famed initial incarnation even as it veered increasingly and erratically away from the familiar sequences. I liked 3.0+1.0 more than 3.0, but can’t help but still bemoan whatever 3.0 was going to be when 2.0 happened. The alternate other sequence. And despite it all, despite the allusions to a repetition of Eva and of this being the break in the chain, even those working on and involved with the film see even this as a definitive end. Even Anno’s not convinced that’s the last word. Eva will come back all over again; naturally – there’s money to be made here, and what’s yet another alternate take to add to the TV series, the manga, the games, the other manga, EoE, Rebuild and so on. Kaworu apparently is indeed doomed to revisit this forever alongside everyone else and also remember that for once he was gifted a true end. An impossible conclusion for modern pop-culture it feels.

#long post

1 note · View note

thedogsled · 4 years

Note

You seem to be having a not a great day today, so here's a light-hearted ask. I'm having a good day, curled up in pjs with cuddly pets watching Leverage with my sister. Leverage is one of my favorite shows, because it's smart and fun and has great characters that grow over the seasons. Besides Supernatural, what's a show you really enjoy and why?

Thank you so much for the ask! I’m sorry I didn’t reply to it sooner, I’ve come down with a head cold and this is really the first day in several I’ve been able to compose more than a tweet about how much it sucks (swallowing = a knife jammed right into my inner ear, it’s super fun). But I did want to answer your question so I’ve been musing on it since your ask came in.

If it was just “what’s your favorite show right now” it’d be an easy answer: The Boys. The Boys, back to front, front to back, upside down and inside out. The first season was fantastic, and it felt like it woke me up to being excited about TV again after my interest in The Walking Dead waned mid-season. Everything new has seemed very plastic recently, and even The Mandalorian, which is super cool, is kind of like the Cartoon Network dub of Dragonball Z, so Disneyfied in its bloodlessness that although I’m enjoying it it feels even more synthetic as a result. The Boys was the opposite of that, and also just whoever invented Karl Urban, period, just deserves a nobel prize for that masterpiece. He pronounces twat wrong (okay okay it’s a dialect thing) but you can’t have everything =D

So instead (and because it’s cheating that I can pimp The Boys and wax lyrical about loves of old) I interpret your question as sort of like “Which show is your comfort food?” Which show do I go back to when I’m feeling like TV needs to give me a cuddle. I had a good think about it, because there’s a few…

(aside: I shouldn’t have put that gif in before I started writing. ahem.)

There’s been a few over the years, for sure. As a thirteen year old I used to watch and rewatch Buffy episodes, mostly season 2 (baby Spike!). At eighteen, it was old VHS of Deep Space Nine, my favorite ep was “Wrongs Darker Than Death or Night” which I watched repeatedly and think about constantly even today.

But the show I keep coming back to is due South.

This post is a long post, it also deals with discourse (because my relationship to entertainment is so often mired in it, so please don’t proceed if you’re rather avoid it) and this is where it begins:

Okay, so fun fact: I watched due South the first time it aired with my parents (I was about 9) and then when it was on TV again as a repeat, I recorded it on VHS by RUSHING home every single day from school with nothing else on my mind but sitting on the floor two feet from the telly to watch it. Quantum Leap was on right after, and I had an entire different set of VHS tapes to record that on, so had to quickly switch between them. I’d stop recording at every break so that I could get more episodes on a tape. It’s not unsurprising to me now that both shows vibed with me as a young person who hadn’t yet really accepted that she was queer; due South’s main character is coded as Other both to the Americans whom he lives with, and his fellow Canadians, while Quantum Leap explores a straight white man jumping into the lives of Others, and living through them some of the hardest moments in their lives. Even though both keep it exceedingly, textually hetero, one has two men riding off into the snowy sunset together (leaving behind a straight lover to do so) and the other features a love between two men that in the original framing of the finale would have seen God/fate reconnecting the two of them even though one was lost in time, and the partner’s wife begging him to go.)

Of course young me didn’t give a shit about that, or didn’t realize that’s what she cared about. Young me loved the buddy-cop partnership of both shows. Young me liked the half-wolf, and the episodes where they ride horses, and honestly just waiting with bated breath to find out where Sam would jump to this time. “Oh boy!” Retrospectively, these shows (especially QL) are a lot more oh boy in a yikes context now than they used to be, but it’s good that shows age into yikes territory because it means that society is steadily advancing. Particularly, pointing out that these shows both feature white straight guys like…welcome to the nineties.

I was introduced to queer coding in part by watching due South. The show is laden with it. With writers, actors, and ultimately an executive producer who was all three, it makes you wonder if they would have gone there if they could; certainly the ending reads that way. They couldn’t, of course, because it was the nineties (and it was CBS that revived it after enormous international fan demand). Still, there was just nothing else analogous to what we have now that was going there on TV at the time. If you were queer (or discovering your queerness) then watching the show meant everything, as it did to me. So I snuggle up on the couch often these days and go back to that, because it gave me such joy, and because I was left with the opportunity to decide for myself how deep the relationship was. There was no promise of anything, because the context at the time was of course you can’t go there, nobody can go there. Queerbaiting was a word that simply hadn’t been breathed. There was no intent, no companies behind the curtain pulling strings going “Yes, make it more gay, we want those queer dollars”, just invested people slipping what they could past the studio censors.

Like this:

Sigh. A less enlightened time. =P (Incidentally fun meta here but this was after a conversation where Ray suggested that communication in a relationship should be intuitive, like breathing.)

So I guess in part I escape back there because none of that representation was ever as loaded as it is today. It doesn’t require me to judge it, or weigh it against the harm it does - because the politics of the time meant I thought it was doing good (retrospectively, and only through the lens of someone who had nothing to lose). It seemed to scream out into an unyielding universe to force it to move. It did a fraction of that, because of course it did. It was the nineties. It stole indigenous narratives and romanticized colonialism just as much as it beat the drum of environmentalism and kicked at the doors of corporate greed and racism. Old shows are inherently problematic. Today’s shows are too. Being able to examine them doesn’t mean not loving them, but it lets you say “Okay, so what do I expect from the things I watch today? What do I expect from the things I watch in five years time?”

All that aside, the show is just damn good. It’s watchable and rewatchable. It struggles to age because it was already so out of pace with the age it was made in–despite its flaws in representation, it was better than other shows at the time that demonized, tokenized, or outright killed minorities to push white narratives on their own shows (Kendra being murdered on Buffy, for example). It’s standalone enough that you can go back and watch any episode you like because overarching story arcs were way less of a staple as they are today. It’s witty, fast paced, full of action and moral dilemma, do gooding and the consequences of it. Although still severely unbalanced, and very, very white, it did still have indigenous actors playing indigenous characters, and minorities portrayed in stories about them. There’s a dog. There’s classic cars. And it’s all put to the soundtrack of Canadian bands and singers.

tl;dr ahead for rambling about subtext and being a disaster queer, but please scroll past for more gifs.

Queer me needed this show, in a world where I’d been taught to look and see myself in straight white male protagonists, it felt like A Lot to see all this on screen. It wasn’t, but it was all I got when I was growing up. I envy the good fortune of kids who can see themselves on screen these days while they try and figure themselves out (and hopefully more so in the future) with far less of having to negotiate through the confusion of looking at it through confusing fractals of different lenses and instead just see someone who looks like them showing them that their POV is normal, heroic and wonderful. Those lenses fucked me up big time. Like I’m not even sure right now what flavor of queer I am. I cling to bi like a lifeline of sense in my life, but it is complicated because I overwhelmingly desire the company of women way way more. But also I was was taught to look through the lens of a white dude in order to see myself universally, taught to be both desirous of the female body and humiliated by it, ashamed by sex, taught men were awful, and taught that I was supposed to marry one anyway. I look at my sexuality/romanticism like it’s a meta puzzle that I haven’t figured out yet, wondering how to put it on paper, how to break apart the different influences I experienced as a youngling and as an adult to try and negotiate if I’m misreading my own impulses. How I was brought up, who I’ve known, the relationships I’ve experienced and seen in real life and on TV. I’m 34 and I’m still no more certain. Subtext is both my friend and my enemy. I hate it, and I owe everything to it.

So when I need a rest from giving a shit about any of that noise, I go back to my comfort food. I go right back to subtext, which gave me the tools I needed to desire romance that wasn’t heterosexual, that somehow was more intimate because it relied on longing stares and never stepping foot out of the closet, that was just someone liking another person without any expectation of sex just because they have opposing genitals, and their colleagues hassle them a lot. There’s nothing wrong with the sex, I write a lot of consommation of the feelings that I see bubbling under the surface. I have even grown to appreciate het romance when it’s done in a way that doesn’t reduce the woman to a love interest–I was thrilled when Simon Baker’s Patrick Jane got together with Teresa Lisbon in The Mentalist. Their relationship was filled with subtext too. Subtext isn’t a queer thing, it has a role in all well written romance. Hell, it has a role in terriblebad tropey misogynistic romance, too. And just you know basically all storytelling (and more).

Queer romance existing only in the subtext, though? It’s heartbreaking explicitly because it feels like a story that isn’t finished, and that’s where subtext reliant shows can hand off the story to be finished by fandom itself. In due South, as I mentioned before, Ray and Fraser jump into a dogsled and ride off over the snowy horizon to “Find the hand of Franklin, reaching for the Beaufort sea”. It’s where I chose my meta name, as I’ve mentioned before, because that ending - that ending - handed us all the subtext so far and said “Here, take it, it’s yours now. Do with it what you like”–and we did. But that was twenty years ago. I loved that ending (I still think it was a very elegant solution) and it was expected and appropriate for a show that in itself is a “Faves Are Problematic” show, but that’s also why I get so passionate about discussing the subtext in Supernatural.

It’s younger than due South. While it may have begun back when Willow from Buffy had her first girlfriend, it is ending now, not at the turn of the century where a dogsled was still good enough to get the point across and none of us had Twitter. My own experiences, my lifelong queer confusion make it so I feel pretty damn bad for people trying to use Supernatural as a medium for their own self-exploration, using characters from SPN as their lenses. A show these days that makes bank on those tropes and doesn’t inform its audience (positively or negatively) is doing so irresponsibly because of the modern context in which the show presently (not historically) sits, and the increasing awareness of the issues surrounding it. Networks, then, are ultimately responsible for that, but they are in a way which is entirely different and far more directly culpable than they were 20 years ago, because people are out there making money out of those intentional subtextual devices. They chose to do it; took a deep breath and backed right up away from Gamble’s problematic queerbashing tropes, chewed it over, then hired gay writers and dived right back in with more grown up, progressive, and less shitty subtext–but still subtext.

This show that ended 20 years ago was able to cross way more lines with subtext in one episode than Supernatural has done sometimes in an entire season. It did so despite and because of it’s international audience, on a conservative network that would late purchase Paramount, and Star Trek, and ended with a powerfully subtextual ending. Supernatural, of course, is under a far more powerful microscope from the bigots than those oblivious to subtext back in the 90s could have ever produced. due South, like SPN was just “wholesome family entertainment” to a conservative audience that was completely oblivious by all accounts, yet was laden heavily with queer innuendo. It was also blissfully short, and existed in a social media world which consisted of Yahoo groups and not much else.

In modern context, Supernatural gets a fox in the henhouse treatment from that same audience, and acts accordingly (when it’s not using that same subtext to deliver earnest Fuck You’s to that audience). While I expect Supernatural to bravely - even considering this scrutiny - deliver a dogsled subtextual ending on a good day, there are bad days, too, because the queer subtext has been underlined so loudly that everyone can see it, because it’s “practically text”, because the bottom line is increasingly more concerned with satisfying those bigots (even while they mock them), and because queer fans are “too loud” about what they want. How dare they. /s The pushback caused by being loud about things you care about, the bigots actually seeing subtext in front of their noses, isn’t bad because now they know what we’ve been doing all along, and we won’t be able to get away with it any more; it means they’re becoming more aware of narratives other than their own. Yes, some people will push back, but “when you’re accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression”, and they can shove it right up their asses.

All I ever ask of myself when I interrogate my present day viewing experience, is this: when I sat as a youngster watching due South thinking “This subtextual ending is enough for me”, did I truly believe it was okay to be watching a show about two white guys with a subtextual ending 20 years later? Was that the future I dreamed of and aspired to? Would I be disappointed? The answer is yes, I am disappointed. No matter the whys, the fundamental and societal reasons–I am disappointed. I still love the show probably more than I should, but I am disappointed in the society it sits in - which is increasingly capitulating to far more powerful global financial powers than a couple of red state homophobes - and I’m disappointed in the way we’re treating each other for even caring, and I’m disappointed in myself, too, for being naive and imagining we would be much further down this road now than we are. But we are a capitalistic society, and being both the commodity and the customer should be a surprise to literally nobody at this point. It doesn’t mean you have to like it.

And if you don’t feel that way, that’s okay. We all come from different places. We have different perspectives. We need and want different things, for different reasons, and find joy in different things for different reasons. Variety of opinion is as much a wonderful thing as it is completely terrifying.

I’ve wandered somewhat off topic, so I’m going to go back to the show I love, my chocolate pudding and custard comfort food TV show, and the long stares and the beautiful uncomplicated subtext.

And sign off with half a dozen gifs.

Eye fucking:

Conversations in closets and bathrooms:

Going down with the ship

Intuitively understanding each other without a word spoken

His hobbies humiliate me in public

“Do you find me attractive?”

Sulking in the corridor while you reunite with your ex

This whole ep with original Ray:

And his wolf approving of both

Not pictured “I love you” “And I you”, “Get out of the closet”, actual hand holding when it’s unnecessary, formally handcuffing your buddy, getting stuck in an ice crevasse and a mini submarine together–and so so much more. I invite you to watch the show if you can find it (I have it on a really nice set of DVDs, but there’s some dodgy ones out there that look like they recorded the DVD straight off a VHS, so do check reviews) or else try and find it online. There was a Canada promoting YouTube channel which published both due South and shows like Slings and Arrows, which I recommend as well (It’s not actually bury your gays if the ghost of your gay best friend haunts you, right?) so you should be able to poke around and find a legit copy somewhere. I’ve bigged it up and talked it down, and wandered a long way off topic (that describes my relationship with every show, but especially when I recommend them) but I hope somewhere along the line I also answered the question. The way I hear it Leverage is a similar sort of comfort food, though I haven’t seen it. Sounds like I should put it on my To Watch list.

#due south #dogsled replies #queerbaiting #subtext #destiel #about me

54 notes · View notes

militant-holy-knight · 4 years

Link

American Founder and second U.S. president John Adams once extolled his era. Some called it The Age of Reason. It was a time in which people were beginning to know more about their world than they ever had before. Knowledge was increasing at an exponential rate, and this filled the air with excitement. The Old World – Christendom, led by the Catholic Church – was on its way out. The Enlightenment was well underway to shape the West forever. Adams, a Unitarian, was greatly pleased that men would be able to lead their lives and their own society on the basis of their own conscience.

He then less than halfway joked that, just maybe, something bad might arise from the movement of his day:

“The world grows more enlightened. Knowledge is more equally diffused. Newspapers, magazines, and circulating libraries have made mankind wiser. Titles and distinctions, ranks and orders, parade and ceremony, are all going out of fashion. This is roundly and frequently asserted in the streets, and sometimes on theatres of higher rank. Some truth there is in it; and if the opportunity were temperately improved, to the reformation of abuses, the rectification of errors, and the dissipation of pernicious prejudices, a great advantage it might be. But, on the other hand, false inferences may be drawn from it, which may make mankind wish for the age of dragons, giants, and fairies.”

Indeed, a great many false inferences were drawn from the Enlightenment. This period in history, which shaped America herself, started a downward spiral for the West that appears to have no end. Adams was right. In spite of himself and everything he achieved for the United States, times have definitely grown darker, and the cause for our empire’s downfall can be traced to its own blueprints.

As a result, the people in our day have a great need for escape. Over two centuries later, men find themselves at odds in a hateful world ruled by principalities and powers that are insurmountable. The people have been force-fed “the progress of civilization.” So now there are vast entertainment industries that produce escapist literature, film, music, and games to help people flee from the madness of their overlords. Over the centuries, they’ve carried the label of Romantics, Decadents, Symbolists, Counter-Culturists – they all run from the oppressive boot that shoves them onward to a destiny they didn’t ask for. They seek to escape from forced rationalism into something mystical.

Our Imaginations Must Be Free, Not Trapped

The mind can tolerate a wasteland for only so long. Men require a pilgrimage and retreat. Otherwise, one settles for vice and debasement. Experiencing wonder is necessary for a mature mind. It is not enough to be raised in a plain fashion, learning good moral habits to live by as if it’s all a simple matter of hygiene. Becoming a lawyer for “what’s good and what’s bad” does not securely instill the Faith in children, who, above all, are in the business of make-believe. No, we must leave the districts and subdivisions gerrymandered in our brains. We must fly above the rooftops from our suburban bobo communities. We’ve got to run for our lives into something fresh, new, and perhaps even dangerous:

“At first they had passed through hobbit-lands, a wide respectable country inhabited by decent folk, with good roads, an inn or two, and now and then a dwarf or a farmer ambling by on business. Then they came to lands where people spoke strangely, and sang songs Bilbo had never heard before. Now they had gone on far into the Lone-lands, where there were no people left, no inns, and the roads grew steadily worse. Not far ahead were dreary hills, rising higher and higher, dark with trees. On some of them were old castles with an evil look, as if they had been built by wicked people. Everything seemed gloomy, for the weather that day had taken a nasty turn. Mostly it had been as good as May can be, can be, even in merry tales, but now it was cold and wet. In the Lone-lands they had been obliged to camp when they could, but at least it had been dry.”

–From The Hobbit

Perhaps it is true that people are considered respectable when they “never have adventures or do anything unexpected.” Maybe it is true that the majority of people value someone who never breaks a taboo and can be counted on to be consistent and predictable. And, after all, even Puritan-loving John Adams will tell you that obscure men are hardly ever honored. Conformity and monotony are what the world tells you it wants. But this mode of dry, uninspiring, Dudley-Do-Right, unimaginative thinking is like planting seeds in depleted soil:

“[T]he seminal ideas of Plato, Aristotle, St. Augustine, St. Thomas, only properly grow in an imaginative ground saturated with fables, fairy tales, stories, rhymes, romances, adventures–the thousand good books of Grimm, Andersen, Stevenson, Dickens, Scott, Dumas and the rest. Western tradition, taking all that was the best of the Greco-Roman world into itself, has given us a culture in which the Faith properly grows; and since the conversion of Constantine that culture has become Christian. It is the seedbed of intelligence and will, the ground for all studies in the arts and sciences, including theology, without which they are inhumane and destructive. The brutal athlete and the aesthetic fop suffer vices opposed to the virtues of what Newman called the “gentleman.” Anyone working in any art or science, whether “pure” or “practical,” will discover he has made a quantum leap when he gets even a small amount of cultural ground under him; he will grow like an undernourished plant suddenly fertilized and watered.”

–Ryan Topping, Renewing the Mind

There has been a war against fantasy, a war against wonder. And yet, those who wonder and philosophize are superior to those who despair cluelessly. And only someone who does not know everything has the capability to wonder. Therefore, what better place is there to explore than fantasy? The realm of fantasy is a place accessible to all, and as it is ever changing, we can never hope to know everything about it. The Land of Faerie, as Tolkien called it, transports and uplifts us. It renews us. It waters the soil of our minds, and it serves as a much needed respite from the godless demands of the world.

Fantasy’s Ultimate Effect

John Adams ridiculed imagination. He joked that Shakespeare could have been an electioneering agent. In his view, “superstition, prejudices, passions, fancies, and senses” were weaknesses to be manipulated, preventing you from ever having what he considered liberty. Adams believed that fantastical thinking was forced upon the West in order to control the people. This is all a grievous error. “For God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty” (1 Corinthians 1:27).

It is the imagination that enables us to survive in today’s wicked world. We have a sense of wonder that rationalists like Adams cannot understand. This sense of wonder is what prepares us for understanding the wider world and what it means. The vast majority of people who fall away from the Faith or refuse to consider it lack wonder. As a result, you have a large portion of people in the West who fall into hedonism. They try to numb their own senses as they struggle to follow the crowd – as though they were swimming among a school of fish.

“Fantasy, horror, and science fiction, apart from allowing an author to comment on things in a way he normally could not in mainstream writing (so much of which is garbage anyway) – it breeds a sense of wonder. And ladies and gentlemen, if you do not have a sense of wonder, you cannot really understand the Catholic faith. You’ll just be ‘Oh well, the bread and wine turn into the body and blood of Christ.’ You may actually believe that, but if you don’t have a sense of wonder?

“Listen, ladies and gentlemen, what is more amazing? The idea that with a wand I could wave, everything would start dancing around the room? Or that Christ Himself comes down onto the altar and becomes bread and wine that we are able to receive into ourselves? Which is more wondrous?

“If I already have a sense of wonder, then I can look at this incredible gift that God has given us. And the fact [is] that every single Mass that has ever been, or ever will be, or is being said at this moment across the globe is one with every other – and with the Crucifixion, and with the Last Supper. That’s astonishing. That’s absolutely amazing. And I have a sense of wonder that prepared me for that – to make it go from a mere set of things I learned in school and home to being a living reality that dominates my life. …

“[U]nless we approach our faith with that wondrous quality, it will grow old and tired. That is not a fault of the Faith. That’s our fault.”

–Charles Coulombe, “Off the Menu,” July 16, 2018

Being good “to be good” is not enough. John Adams thought so, but his Puritanical sensibility was mistaken. Man lives his life on a quest. He is not meant to run from his imagination and all that is mystical. He is meant to explore with awe and curiosity. His heart is meant to be lifted, not shackled.

A strange and exciting land lies before man when it comes to fantasy. We go to that place because it presages the Land Beyond we all hope to emigrate to, Heaven itself. “And Jesus calling unto him a little child, set him in the midst of them, and said: Amen I say to you, unless you be converted, and become as little children, you shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:2-3).

#Christianity #catholic #catholicism #advice

11 notes · View notes

anonthenullifier · 4 years

Text

Post Hoc- Ch. 2

An “And They Were Research Collaborators!” AU

Chapter 2: Design Overview

Summary: Wanda and Vision map out how they will approach their collaboration.

AO3 Link

Note: IRB = Institutional Review Board. They review all studies that involve human participants to make sure they are ethical before collecting data.

Wanda stares at the empty pan behind the steamed tilapia sign and sighs, shuffling to the left and scooping what is supposedly a vegetable stew into her to-go box. This setback is par for her day, one filled with a series of disappointing if nots. Like if not for waking up late she would have packed her lunch and if not for Nat having a meeting and Sam working in the field she wouldn't be alone for lunch. Then, if not for needing to work on her grant, which has to be sent to the grant development office for revisions and suggestions by the end of the week, she’d have gone out to get some fresh air and better food.

Really she can go even further than today. If not for her first yearly review she wouldn’t be scrambling to put something together right now. And, if not for spending her first year on joining Reed’s team to apply for that multimillion dollar quantum loop grant he just secured, she would have already applied for her own funding. But she didn’t and that’s why even though she was applauded for her cooperative research with the other physicists, she was also informed, in very professional and not technically threatening words, that at such a highly regarded institution it wasn't good enough to always be a co-author or secondary investigator.

Wanda breathes in and tries to ignore the abyss of her future, which will be easier to do with a brownie as a treat for when her methodology is done.

Three feet to the left and she discovers that all that remains is the sign and a couple of crumbs. That seems fair. It’s not like she’ll even manage to get the methodology done today, her mind scattered in a hundred different directions on what exactly she wants to do with quantum chaos theory. The higher ups not only expect her to be a primary investigator with some significant external funding all her own, but they also demand novelty. She knows she can get there, but it takes time, which she doesn’t currently have.

Cutting her losses, she pays and heads off to her hermitage, to-go container clutched in her hands and head down, desperate not to get roped into lunch with any colleagues. Not that she doesn’t like them, but she reserves her mental and social energy for the required meetings. Plus, knowing her day, she’d probably get to hear all about one of their exciting and creative grants that happens to also scoop her idea and put her back to square one.

As she nears the exit, something in her periphery catches her eye and she turns subtly to investigate. The object of attention is the lanky form and blonde hair of a certain psychologist. Great . Things went a little uncomfortably silent after her suggestion at the bar the other week and she hasn’t seen or heard from Vision since. Yet there he is. There's a part of her that feels like she should go over and apologize, worried she may have fractured his sense of scientific integrity though Natasha claims he’s fine, simply busy with adjusting to a new job and not gifted at social interactions. The majority of her conscience isn’t particularly concerned with him right now, more than happy to give him space and lots of time to exist in a state of being busy or terrified of her, either reality meaning she has more time to work on her research. And yet she can’t seem to find the confidence to keep walking towards her office.

Is this how a particle feels when it goes to leap to a new position only to discover it’s entangled with another one thousands of miles away? This desperation to have free will while also feeling an inexplicable pull towards the movement of his sweater clad shoulders as he hunches forward?

Wanda caves to his quantum energy and heads towards the psychologist, hoping the interaction will free her to go back to work. “Mind if I join you?”

If she was surprised by their entanglement, he’s clearly uncomfortable by it, response a little delayed as he moves his attention from the book in his hand ( Seven Brief Lessons on Physics ) to her face. The slow blink of his eyes could be a startle or that look you give to the person whom you find annoying beyond words and who also still keeps talking to you. Then his ambiguity breaks into a friendly smile, the book waving at the chair across from him, “Not at all, please.”

“What are you,” as she sits down she catches a glimpse of his lunch, mind veering into a different universe, “No, they had peanut butter today!”

His brow wrinkles, smoothing out once he follows her eyes to the beautiful, plump, peanut butter frosted brownie on his tray. “Oh, yes. I usually do not have dessert, but Sean-“

Wanda assumes he’s talking about one of the other psychologists that Sam has also mentioned, “He’s the pheromone guy, right?”

Vision’s, “Correct,” is layered with so much disquiet she is tempted to switch topics and see if he agrees with Sam’s own passionate views of Sean. “But he told me to try one as it would, according to him, ‘change my life’.” It will and it explains why the tray was empty today, those brownies coveted at the institute, the only true unifying belief amongst all of them. “Would you like to split it?”

If not for the fact he was already in the process of cutting it in half, she would have been polite and refused, but you can’t put a brownie back together, right? ”Only if you don’t want all of it.”

“I don’t.”

Wanda accepts the napkin holding her prize and begins to realign their conversation to the reason she joined him, starting small in case he shuts down like he did at the bar. “That’s a good book.” She nods towards the black cover speckled with stardust. It’s the same book she sent to Pietro after he told her he didn’t know how to explain to his co-workers what his sister did.

“So far, yes.” Only now does she also see Vision’s notebook, margin to margin filled with impeccable handwriting and straight arrows forming various diagrams. “I attempted to read some of your more recent publications,” Wanda holds her breath, preparing for the typical condescension she receives from men outside her field whenever they speak of her work, “and though they are exquisite and elegant, I found my literacy in the area itself severely lacking to grasp the full meaning of your work.”

This isn’t usually how these things go, his eyes turned down instead of up and his voice absent that searing cockiness implying the disconnect in understanding is her fault. She doesn’t know how to handle genuineness, her defenses already built up for rebuttal. “You do know that you don’t have to be a physics expert since that’s my job, right?”

“I am more than aware,” the armor of goodwill might actually tighten around him, “I am simply curious about the field and wish to have some level of knowledge going into our collaboration.”

There’s no deceit evident in what he says. “Um, well, Rovelli is a good start then.”

Vision nods enthusiastically, “It is very accessible,” then his nod lessens into a discerning glance towards his notes, “though it is leaving me with more questions than answers.”

“Welcome to physics.” Unlike her last joke to him, this one he picks up on, a tiny, slightly boyish smile that seems to imply the same joke would work if you replaced physics with psychology. But Wanda isn’t here to talk about physics and doesn’t have the time to likely answer the questions in his notebook, so she moves them along. “Speaking of our collaboration, any thoughts?”

His face and shoulders drop, eyes staring at his spoon stirring the opaque broth in the bowl, his entire demeanor seeming less like the friendly man from moments before and more like a marionette with a lazy operator, the spoon stirring and stirring. Wanda begins picking at the half brownie, waiting for him to reach a thought. She decides that five minutes of this soul crushing silence will be her breaking point to call off the original idea and go with something less ridiculous. Vision only makes it thirty seconds. “I believe,” the words pull his face back up, their eyes meeting, “if we can overcome the ethical and logistical hurdles then it is plausible.”

That’s better than she anticipated. “Okay,” Wanda pushes her lunch to the side, arms coming to cross on the table while she leans forward and settles in, “what are the hurdles?”

“Well, first of all with such a paradigm we would not be able to get informed consent.”

Somehow they’ve already moved from an idea at a bar to a paradigm. “Why not? What’s the paradigm?”

Vision turns back five or so pages in his notebook and then slides it across the table. On the paper she sees several boxes connected with arrows, labeled with numbers that are then explained in the legend at the bottom. It’s gorgeous, aesthetically speaking. “If we truly want to examine gift giving of billionaires,” the idea still tastes bitter in his mouth, the entirety of his presence recoiling at merely saying it, “we have to set up a realistic fake wedding, likely through a wedding website.” He motions for her to turn the page, revealing a sketch of said website. “This site will be sent with the invitation and the RSVP would be here, so we can track it.”

For a man so on edge with the idea, he has it fairly well planned. “And if we get informed consent then…”

“Then we will have told them what we are studying and they will know it is a sham wedding, thus reducing the likelihood of realistic participation.”

Which makes sense. “The issue is?”

“Not receiving informed consent typically requires a full board review by the IRB.”

Wanda has heard Sam complain about the IRB, particularly about the wait time for approval and the, as he calls it, idiotically narrow view of the federal regulations, so she has a small inkling of the horror in Vision’s voice at what sounds like an even more in depth review by the board. “Which we don’t want,” he nods, affirming her read of him, “does it count if we tell them afterwards what happened?”

A toothy grin breaks across his face, “Precisely my thoughts,” he motions for her to turn the page again, revealing a bulleted list of thoughts. “If we have consent afterwards, then we may be able to get around it. Of course we also have to consider how to return any gifts to them.”

“They’re billionaires, not like they’ll miss it.”

This is the wrong thing to say, the joy of empiricism dropping from his face, the same way it did the other night. “Ethically speaking, it would go against the principle of Justice in the Belmont Report.”

“Okay,” whatever this report is, it is clearly near and dear to his heart, “so when we are done we send them all a consent form asking if we can use their data and what they want done with their gift?”

He nods along with his, “Correct. Perhaps we provide different options like returning it or donating it to a specific charity.”

That seems like a reasonable suggestion. “What else?”

Vision glances at his wrist, prompting Wanda to find a clock on the wall and experience the always wonderful chest tightening of anxiety when a day is already half over and she’s gotten nothing done. “I am afraid I need to go back to my lab,” a statement that should elicit relief but she’s a little sad, for some reason, likely because this was an okay distraction from the rest of her bad day.

“Why don’t you send me the list of topics and we can meet up in a few days once my grant is done?”

“Of course.”

Vision gathers up his reading materials and slides them into a brown leather bag. The next words out of her mouth are a surprise to both of them, “Oh and if you have any questions from Rovelli, feel free to email me.”

This garners an appreciative curve on his lips and a slight downturn of his eyes as he takes in the offer. “I will, thank you.” He stands and it is still a disorienting and mesmerizing sight to behold. “Good luck with your grant.”

“Thanks.”

By the time Wanda is back to her lab and settled in at her computer, lunch container open and partially eaten brownie placed reverently out of reach, she already has an email from Vision with the subject line Logistical and Ethical Issues...and Some Questions . She opens the email and slides it over to her left monitor with the intention of reading over it whenever she needs a break.

“The place looks nice!” Natasha’s voice reaches him over the soft jazz streaming out of his computer, her eyes roaming over the newest furnishings of his lab as she walks into the room. “Nice you finally have a place for people to sit.”

“It is.” And she uses it, plopping into the chair several feet away from him. Even though he was aware of the sparsity of his furniture (apparently the only standard equipment for their lab spaces are a desk, a chair, and a table), he hadn’t actually cared until his meeting with Wanda and the abject horror he felt at her having to sit on his table. “I think I need to get a few more filing cabinets, but otherwise it is suitable.”

“Probably some wall art too, it’s a little drab.”

“I like it that way.”

Natasha smirks, the same way she does anytime they come to a difference of opinions. “I know, you’re no fun.” A statement that, if actually true, would run counter to their years long friendship. “Want to be fun and get some dinner?”

A tempting offer if he didn’t have so much to finish before his meeting with Sociology tomorrow. “I can’t.” There is no reason to completely forego the offer, and he always finds a delay of gratification necessary for him to be productive. If he wants to finish his work tonight, he needs to lay a promise of reward. “I could meet for breakfast tomorrow?”

“Fine.” Natasha gracefully stands from the chair, slinging her laptop bag across her chest as if she is leaving. Only she doesn’t move, “What do you think of Wanda?” A discerning and dangerous flicker moves across her face as she waits for him to answer.

“She seems pleasant to work with so far.”

The answer is not enough based on the disbelief etched into every inch of Natasha’s stance. “That’s it, just pleasant?”

“We have only actually spoken face-to-face four times, two of them very brief.”

This still does not sate Natasha’s curiosity, nor does it reveal to him why it seems to matter so much. There’s more she wants to say, her knuckles growing white the tighter she grips the strap of her bag. And then her fingers loosen, as does her face, an amiable yet empty smile flashed in his direction. “I’ll see you in the morning. Our usual?”

“Yes.”

“Night.”

“Goodnight.” He watches her leave before turning back to his computer, the meeting agenda half-finished and staring at him on the screen. It is likely, he imagines from past experience, that Natasha’s aim is simply to help him be more sociable, something that a person like Natasha deems necessary in life. Not that she is dependent upon people (the opposite, in fact), merely that to her it is an essential part of joy. He agrees, to an extent, but also finds solitude freeing and required, a classic introvert. Not that personality factors determine everything in life, he would never give that branch of psychology so much credit.

A two note chime alerts him to a new email, likely a memo about safety goggles in the chemistry labs being mandatory for all visitors after what Natasha told him happened the other day. Vision clicks over to his inbox and is pleasantly surprised to see the sender is MaximoffW .

He isn’t sure why he is pleasantly surprised. As he told Natasha, other than some meetings, he has not actually gotten to know his collaborator. His affective response is likely due to mere exposure given the string of emails they have sent over the last couple of days and also that he seems to notice her more and more around the institute, mainly getting an afternoon tea or at the vending machines in the main lounge. Which itself is simply the Baader-Meinhoff phenomenon. Now that he knows who Wanda is, he actually recognizes her, thus he believes he is seeing her more, and, due to mere exposure, the more he sees her the more positively he responds to her presence. It is simple psychology, nothing more.

Inside the email is a brief response to his last question - This will do a better job than me at explaining it and then there is a link to a video on the double slit experiment, the most recent line of inquiry they’ve been discussing in terms of the behavior of matter. He watches the video three times, jotting key points and additional questions each time in the section of his notebook he has now dedicated to learning physics. After the third time, he contemplates what to write back. At first it’s That was very insightful! but he deletes it, the cursor blinking judgmentally at him as he tries to think of something more intelligent than that. This helped greatly in understanding what you were saying about the lasers This one he deletes before finishing, not wanting to imply her explanations have not been helpful. They have been, it is just a large and complicated field. Vision watches the video one more time and changes his tactic to witty, or so he hopes. If someone invents a shrink ray, would we then be able to test the diffraction of humans? That seems ridiculous, though she has shown a predilection towards such things. Ultimately he combines them all together and hits send.

Barely two minutes into working, the tell-tale chime draws him back to his email. Pretty sure that’s what Pym (my next door labmate) is actually working on. Though he wants to start by shrinking ants .

Vision chuckles, intrigued and confounded by the entirety of physics. It is well-known in psychology and other social sciences, that there is not a unifying theory that explains everything. Yet he always had the notion that this is not true with the physical sciences, or at least, they wish for it not to be true. Wanda concurred with this while answering his question about the incompatibility of Newtonian physics and quantum mechanics. Thus it seems there might be multiple theories that might explain phenomena and instead of embracing them all, factions have arisen. Classical ingroup favoritism and outgroup derogation.

Another chime comes from his computer, still from Wanda but this time unrelated to physics. Are you still at work?

I am .

Almost a minute passes, all spent with his eyes on his inbox. Me too. 😕 Any interest in ordering pizza and talking about our study? I could use a break from this grant.

Vision stares at the still unfinished agenda and begins to type out a polite decline, until his stomach grumbles. Pizza would not be objectionable and technically he would still be productive, just for another project, plus he can finish the agenda after their meeting. He can’t imagine Wanda will want to be at work much longer.

I would be amenable to a dinner meeting. We can meet in your lab since we met in my last time. He almost hits send and then flashes back to the numerous times he has tried to order food for people without knowing their preferences, so he adds in If it is possible, I prefer no meat on my pizza.

His notebook and computer are already packed when his phone vibrates, Wanda’s Head on over showing up on the lock screen.

The journey is fairly painless with the hallways mostly empty, allowing him to consult the various directional signs without people sending him judgmental stares. Even if he has gone to this wing on a couple of occasions to meet with Natasha, the entire Marvel complex is maze-like, stairways not always located in the most sensible places and not all of the elevators going to all of the floors. Eventually, however, he gets to the physic’s floor (or so the sign states) and all he has to do is peek in each window until he sees Wanda inside a room erasing writing from one of her boards.

Despite the fact she is expecting him, Vision still knocks, taking her wave to mean he can enter.

When Vision interviewed for the position at the Marvel Institute, he was only shown lab spaces like this one, spacious and fully furnished, a far cry from his somewhat cramped space. There are doors at the back that ostensibly lead to wherever Wanda goes to actually conduct her studies and at the right side of the room is a series of three large white boards. “This is an impressive set-up.”

Pride emanates brightly when she turns to him, arms waving out to the side like a game show model emphasizing the awe-inspiring set-up. “What would Freud say about your lab envy?”

It was only a matter of time until this type of joke was used. He allows every person one pass where he politely laughs at it while also correcting the comment, “Given the majority of Freud's theories are not scientifically based and do not hold up to empirical scrutiny, he likely would not have anything substantial to say.”

“Ouch,” perhaps it was too harsh, though a trace of her smile still clings to her face, “so Freud is off limits?”

“I, um, yes, sorry, it is--”

Wanda shrugs, turning to place the eraser on the ledge of the whiteboard, “I get it, I’m tired of hearing people quote Newton’s laws at me as a way to win an argument when Newton doesn’t even apply.” Has he done this? The specificity of it forces him to go back through every email they have sent and conversation they’ve had. “That wasn’t about you.”

“Oh, good.” He places his bag on one of the many chairs around a table, pulling out his laptop and starting it up before grabbing his notebook as well. “I will endeavor to do no such thing.”

“Thanks.” Wanda picks up a marker and begins jotting down the list of items they still need to discuss, some of them followed by a check mark while others have a star. “So the ones with the check marks,” he looks up to follow her explanation, the uncapped marker pointing at the board as she talks, “mean I think I have a solution for them. The stars are things we still need to decide.”

Over half the list has check marks and he finds himself filled with a buzzing curiosity as to what she determined to do with them. “Where do you want to start?”

“Let’s start fun.” All of it is fun to him, the prospect of chiseling out the most appropriate methodology the most enjoyable part of research. A close second is running the statistics, but they still have a ways to go before then. “I did a mock-up of a wedding website last night, let me,” she taps away on her phone and soon after he receives a link. Clicking it opens a dark gray background with golden orbs clustered around the outside of a large picture that currently is a stock photo of a happy couple with the copyright information stamped onto it. “Obviously we have to change the pictures.”

“Yes.” And all of the details, each field for venue, date, time, wedding party, and registry left either blank or with TBD written in. There is an RSVP page and a photo page, both empty. “How customizable is this?”

“There are a lot of options.” She bends closer to her phone, swiping the screen a few times. “Yeah you can customize which pages show up.”

Vision clicks through it, most of his mind thinking through the experimental design he is leaning towards and part of his mind trying to figure out why this website seems so familiar. “Is there a way to customize the order in which they see the RSVP and the registry?”

“Um…” Wanda slides her phone back into her sweatshirt and moves to her desktop, the furious clicking and typing of marginal concern, enough that he stands and approaches her work station, watching her move through the website. “I think so, what did you have in mind?”

Vision grabs a stray chair and brings it over, always feeling overbearing and awkward when he stands while someone else is sitting. “Based on your example of destructive and constructive interference, I was thinking we might want to stick with a fairly basic study on order and framing effects that way we can test classical probability against quantum probability with a phenomenon found in both our fields. Perhaps half of our participants receive a website that asks for the RSVP before showing the registry and the other half receive a website that asks for the RSVP only after they have seen the registry information.”

This is new information to share and so he gives her time to digest it, her head subtly nodding as she processes it all. “I like that idea, not sure it’s possible with this particular website though,” she hesitates, clicking through the various options on the main portal, “if we get desperate we could always talk to computer science about customizing the code.”

“Why does that only have to be from desperation?”

Now she sits back and stares at him, a harrowing quality forming in her eyes about what must be some past transgressions or infighting with that department. “Because if you want to talk to anyone there, you have to talk to Victor von Doom first.”

Oh yes, he had somehow already forgotten the other Victor was their chair. “Is he really that bad?”

Wanda nods, “He just makes me feel really uncomfortable.”

“I can be the one that speaks to him.”

A contemplative moment passes before she denies what he thought was a reasonable suggestion. “He’ll just tell you no. But,” she inhales deeply, “if it comes to that, you can come with me.” The next part he thinks is an aside, at least he cannot tell what it has to do with getting help. “I’m like 99% sure he has to be a supervillain somewhere in the multiverse.”

The multiverse is something he is vaguely aware of, primarily from reading and watching science fiction. “Why do you say that?”

“Listen--” a loud rock anthem comes from her pocket and she answers it immediately, face a little sheepish at the interruption, “Okay, yeah, be right down.” Wanda hangs up and stands, hands diving into her sweatshirt pockets. “Pizza’s here, I’ll be right back.”

“Okay.”

Vision scoots his chair closer to the desk and grabs the mouse, navigating through the wedding website and playing with the placement of everything. It seems it might be hard to create exactly what he has in mind, though it is possible either a different service or a professional could help them. Otherwise it seems like it should work, the privacy settings making it so they can keep it visible only to those who have the link and they can require all RSVPs and gifts to come through this website, both things that had concerned him with planning the potential for this study.

Which actually is concerning, a pit growing in his stomach the more feasible this all seems. Technically they can do this ethically. Not only did he spend the afternoon re-reading the federal guidelines on ethical research with humans but he also emailed with the chair of Marvel’s IRB to determine if post-participation consent would keep them to an expedited protocol. Though the chair was unwilling to provide any answer with 100% certainty, she seemed optimistic. Plus if they allow the participants to take the gifts back or if they donate them to a known charity and provide receipts, there is nothing ethically or legally wrong. It’s in the moral side that he still is waging a battle. There is just something about the large-scale deception that bothers him. This is despite the fact that deception is often a part of his research, but rarely ever to the extent of fake websites and actual money being exchanged, thus leaving him in a strong state of dissonance. Vision knows, as is usually the case with cognitive dissonance, it is his attitude that will change, not the behavior, and that is precisely what is happening. The more he thinks about the study, the more he communicates with Wanda, the more compartmentalized his thinking becomes. Usually it is in poor taste to use so much deception, but in this instant, it’s fine. He also wonders if there is a degree of moral disengagement going on, if this will irreparably lower his ethical standards and open him up to a world of many more deceptive studies to this degree.

“Hope you’re hungry.” The words shatter his internal debate, Wanda’s hands gripping an enormous pizza box. Clearly his surprise is palpable, a half-smile going along with her showing him the box, “They only have one size.”

Vision joins her at the higher table, taking a slice onto the paper towel she offers and then he follows her to two armchairs that face the whiteboards. “I have found that New Yorkers are very invested in abnormally large pizzas.” It’s why they have to fold the slices in order to eat it with any dignity. His first week here Natasha chastised him for wanting to use a fork and knife, telling him it would not go well for his credibility in the city if he did it.

“They really are, I love it. So the website will work,” her mind has already moved from the pizza, focusing on the board. “Sounds like you have an idea of what you want to do theoretically,” one of the items that had a star, “have you considered also measuring and accounting for demographics or maybe we need to manipulate the fake bride and groom...or groom and groom...or bride and bride?”

All things he has considered. “I truly like the idea of testing the gift giving based on demographics both of the billionaires and the couple…”

“But.”

“But there are only six hundred and twenty one billionaires in the US.”

Wanda lowers her pizza to stare at him, “That’s way more than I thought there’d be. That’s a lot.”

“It is.”

A hand comes up to cover her mouth as she speaks, not wanting him to see the bite she took, “But…”

Vision has drawn out several factorial designs in his notebook, always loving the complexity of them and their ability to more thoroughly test theories. “When doing community based research, you should plan for a low response rate, like twenty-five percent,” he places his pizza on a table and goes to the board, uncapping a blue marker, “that would leave us with one hundred and fifty six likely participants. This assumes these are the only ones that look at the website.”

“Do you know if we can track who goes to the site?”

A very pertinent piece of information he does not have the expertise to answer, “I believe that is something we would need to discuss with Computer Science,” her nose crinkles at the suggestion. “When you do a factorial design, so let’s say we did a 2 - framing,” he writes the factors as RSVP first or RSVP second , “by 3 - couple composition,” and then he writes the three options Wanda had provided before, “in order to have sufficient power to get effects we would need roughly one hundred and fifty usable participants.”

“Then we have enough.”

This is where he keeps getting stuck, because technically, yes, they would be fine but he highly doubts the response rate of billionaires is anywhere close to the response rates of more normal incomed individuals. “I worry we will get closer to a 15% response, though I am happy to consider including such a manipulation.” Wanda seems to accept his concerns and not push it, even if her face says she wants to come back to it later. “I do think we can still code and analyze for demographic information of those who respond as it will likely influence their gift giving.”

“Good.” It is said with finality, seeming to cement their tenuous design. “With quantum probability I want to have as many factors as possible to build the best model.”

Something he assumed would be the case, and something that he also likes to have even with his classical probability. The next question he prefaces with ignorance, “I am not certain how research in physics works,” a preface she lifts an eyebrow towards, on edge and ready to jump at whatever misinformation he might share, “but do you need to make your hypotheses a prior for the model?”

The jump doesn’t happen, simply a silent bite of pizza and an extended silence. “I’ll make some a priori, but I need to really look at all the possible variables we might code for first, which will have to wait until my grant is in on Friday.” Vision nods, mentally leaving that spot blank in the IRB so he does not forget to insert it. “What are you hypothesizing?”

“I am not sure we should share that information…” at least he had assumed they would not so that he does not influence her own hypothesizing or creation of the computational model. “What if my hypothesis influences yours?”

He watches her lips purse and left leg swing up and over the right one, a smugness and challenge in her stare that activates his sympathetic system, the marker passing back and forth between his hands as he waits for her to speak. “Keep your secrets then.”

Instantly his body calms, the threat gone and replaced by a fluttering amusement. “The last major issue,” there are a lot of minor ones they will need to iron out after her grant has been submitted and before the IRB is turned in, “who will be the bride and groom for the website?”

Wanda stands from her chair, hands wiping against her skirt, “Make sure to eat.”

“Oh, yes.” He grabs his pizza and takes a bite on his way to join her back at the computer, head cocking to the side as she searches for “attractive couples” and scrolls through the pictures. “I do not think we can do that.”

The scrolling stops her “Why not,” said in a way that implies she is aware why not but wants confirmation.

“What if they do a reverse image search?” The search immediately stops and she closes the page, putting them back to the blank wedding site and its all too familiar out of focus stars against a dark gray sky. “Did you base this on the cover of Rovelli’s book?”

She sits up straighter, shooting him a wink and a sly smirk, “Took you long enough to recognize it, thought it would be fun little Easter egg.”

“I like it.”

A companionable and studious silence descends, the couple in the stock photo on the website smiling and taunting him with the fact they can’t actually use the picture. He has thought a lot about what to use, knowing that every single wedding website has pictures and without pictures they would potentially be adding a design confound to their study. Perhaps they should have one site without a photo and one with, a possibility he files away for later. “Can we pay some people to come in and take pictures for us?”

Vision has thought of this as well. “We could, though I imagine we will need more than a couple of pictures and I, personally,” he hates to admit this as he believes it makes him sound greedy or overly self-important, “do not wish to use my start-up funds for this since I have already allocated them to other projects.”

“That’s fair,” there is no apparent disgust at his greed, far more prevalent is understanding, “I don’t really have excess funds either to throw at this.” Again they descend into thoughtful quiet, broken again by Wanda. “Do you have any research assistants?” Vision shakes his head, at some point he will, but he has been informed that he needs a functioning lab before he can hire any additional help. “We could ask Sam-”

“No, I do not feel right asking for free labor from Sam’s assistants.” Particularly after all of the odd tasks Vision’s own advisor required of him during graduate school. He vowed he would never put anyone through such hoops.

Wanda gets up to retrieve another slice, folding it expertly and dangling it into her mouth. It’s at this point that they make eye contact and he almost breaks it, except the way she is staring at him is like one would at a museum, when you see a painting from far away and squint to determine if it is worth leaving your current path or waiting until you mosey on over to that end. Wanda lowers the pizza and tentatively walks towards him. “You know we probably want two people that are reasonably attractive.”

Vision agrees, having already planned a small pilot test for the attractiveness of the photos. “Correct.”

“And we don’t have the money to pay them.”

“Yes, we have already covered that.” Now it feels like being hunted by a shark, the same feeling he had after she suggested this study.

Wanda sits back down, angling her chair towards him. “Why don’t we do it then?”

“Well, I-” though his mind rages against the idea with a big, flashing neon NO, logic betrays him, mouth drying as his useless tongue is unable to articulate any sound reasons against it. To be truthful, Wanda is attractive and he is not wholly unattractive. Other than his height, he is fairly nondescript from any other white male of his age. There has to be a catch, there has to be some reason this shouldn’t work. “If they search for our images they will be sent to the Marvel Institute’s website and immediately realize our wedding is suspicious.”

Wanda’s eyes narrow, not buying the counterargument. “Well we’ll use different names and we could have a small disguise. Like dye our hair,” something he is not willing to do and nonverbally conveys. “I can dye my hair, always wanted to be a red-head, and you can, I don’t know, wear glasses.”

“That is preposterous.”

The chatter of the keyboard is his only response, her body bending towards the computer until she pulls up a picture and motions towards it, “Works for Superman.”

It does and, if he remembers correctly, there was a recent study on the effectiveness of disguises that found, as long as the person did not know the individual in the picture, simple disguises like facial hair, altered hair color or style, and yes, a change like glasses effectively made people assume two pictures were different individuals. Empirically and logistically speaking, it is likely their best option.

“It’ll work.” Wanda’s enthusiasm only seems to grow with each second while his own plummets. “We could even go on fake dates and get a lot of pictures and we won’t have to be paid for it.”

Vision can feel his dissonance being resolved the longer he sits in silence, his lack of verbally declining the option a clear sign he must be, at some level, accepting of it. “It would allow us more control over everything.”

“It would.”

Appetite gone, Vision stares at his pizza, trying to see if there is any reason not to do it. “Would that be uncomfortable, to take the pictures?”

The unperturbed air from Wanda already answers it, but she adds in an equally casual shrug, “It’s not like we’ll be doing anything more than having to stand close to each other, I mean, we’re practically touching now.” Vision looks down and sees the barely inch of space between their shins and immediately scoots backwards a hair to create a more professional distance. “I don’t mind.” In another circumstance, he would be flattered by the implicit trust she has to even offer this, a clear sign, he thinks, that she does not view him as threatening. Would she be offering this if the other Victor was her collaborator? “But if you aren’t comfortable with it, we’ll find another solution.”

Vision finally looks at her, studying the utter lack of hesitancy on her face and the gentle concern in her eyes about his own feelings on the matter. Social trust and connection is something he has difficulty with in his own life. Logic can help him with this decision. Wanda is trusted by Natasha, a person with even greater social trust issues than himself, and if Natasha trusts her and Wanda is as sincere as she seems now, it should not be an issue. “I suppose it can’t hurt to try it.”

#scarlet vision #wanda maximoff #vision #alternateuniversescarletvision #the vision #mcu #fanfic #mine

9 notes · View notes

holy-mountaineering · 4 years

Text

This spread is for the homie @-ziggans-

Here’s the full Qabalistic Tree of Life Spread that I do and here you are. What I’m going to do is go through and briefly explain each card, its position on the Tree, and then I’ll give you a summary/synopsis of the spread as a whole. You know the routine.

Think of this spread as a sort of quantum map, or even the land of a regular map, everything is happening at once, in each place. It’s important to think of yourself as moving “through” the map but you are also simultaneously everywhere at once. For the sake of this specific experiment, think of this as a map. Maybe as a person, the Qabalistic Adam Kadmon.

Where we’re starting the journey from is Kether, the monad, the first sign of creation. We’ll call this your hometown, since it is where you’re from originally. Here we have the 9 of Disks, Gain.

This card screams that in the material world, if you build from what you know you will reap 3 fold rewards. The first formulation of a shape or 2-dimensions (the triangle, the 3 card) has in this card, been multiplied by itself. If you use methods you have already mastered, you have a much better chance of Gain-ing. Here Venus, Love, beauty, personal growth is in the fertile soil or possibility of Virgo.

Build from what you know and put yer Venusian focus in the best possible options you have available in practical, familiar way.

In Chokmah, which is like your freeway getting you out onto the road out of your hometown is XIX The Sun, Resh, Sol.

The Sun is The Lord of Light and Life, the center of our little Solar System. Everything in the fairly large gravitational pull of the Sun is affected by it which pulls everything to it. If it weren’t for The Sun, nothing in our Solar System (named after Sol, The Sun Himself) would be where it is or nearly as well lit or full of life.

This more or less self sufficient little nuclear reactor in space gives life and light but also pulls small things which cannot maintain an orbit around it in for the final burn. bright and full of life and light but deal not with bullshit trifles.

Center yourself but be aware of what you effect and how. Keep pumping out the power but make sure it’s that good good renewable energy.

In Binah, which is ruled by Saturn and for the sake of this reading we will call the first stop on your roadtrip. You haven’t really arrived anywhere but you’re stopping and getting a chance to repack your car in a more efficient way. Sitting in Binah is the ass-busting 3 of Disks, Works or Work or Working.

Like all the 3s, this is the first formulation of the suit, Earth or material world things. The 3 sided pyramid pictured on this Tarot card sits on water propelled by Dharma Wheels, spinning and causing waves. The drive and energy of the warrior Mars has become stubborn and resolute in the goat-fish Capricorn.

This idea of work is not mindless toil. This is doing the very necessary things in your life so you don’t fuck yourself over on the basic things everyone needs to survive. This is formulating the most simple workable “shape of things” that gets your at least basic needs met so you can expand and become more than basic.

Put together a simple way of dealing with the material world, something that can be expanded on. Keep your wheels turning even if they feel like they’re just spinning. Make waves, they’ll go further and affect more than you think!

In Chesed which is ruled by Jupiter and again for the sake of this experiment we’ll say involves your influence and benevolence in your current trip is the Prince of Wands, the airy part of Fire.

This is thinking about what you’re doing while you’re doing it. This is an “on the job training” experience. You’re in the midst of or have hurled yourself into an action that you have to be mindful of while you’re doing it.

Learn about what is going on in your life and your actions by paying attention while you’re moving along and accomplishing things. You might not have time to take it all in right now, but it is time to do the damn thing while the damn thing is happening.

Across the Tree in Geburah, which is Mars Town, where you find your drive and what you’re trying to accomplish/conquer is the Princess of Wands, the earthy part of Fire.

This is the material substance that comes from fuels action. Think of this: you have to make a fire because it is cold. You have a set amount of wood. You can make a big ass, bright ass fire that will leave you cold later that night when you’re out of wood, but jazzed while it’s happening. Or you can make a smaller, less exciting fire that will keep you warm all night.

There is also a message about the last step in any action is really to become the actions and to let them become you. When your very Earthly substance is in it, you are no longer doing you just are.

Don’t burn yourself out and exhaust your resources on what you’re tackling in life right now. Do this and you shall live to dance and party another night.

In Tiphareth, the Sun and center of gravity holding all this in place, the heart pumping the blood through this, your heart is the thing you MUST focus on, XVII The Star, Heh, Aquarius.

Despite its name making me think of water, Aquarius is an air sign. Aquarius the water-bearer is the vehicle for the water she is baring. The life giving water flows through her. It has been said that “Tzaddi is not the Star” and Crowley made it so in the Thoth deck. There is a mystery in this attribution of the Hebrew letter to this Tarot card that I will not go into.

I read this card called the “Universal Principle of Self-Worth” or trusting yourself as the vehicle of transmission. Her gaze is toward her reflection in the cup above her and she is pouring through herself to the areas below herself.

Trust that you’re a worthy conduit to transmit what nourishes life. Trust that your shit is real and who you are makes you capable. That which is above wishes to come below through you.

In Netzach, Venus town, where you have the realization about how this is going to change you as a person with a personality is the 2 of Disks, Change.

This is the old saying, “The only constant is change.” This is finding stability in the aforementioned changing. In other words, when stuff gets different, strap in and hold on, steady yourself, and get ready to go into the unknown. Look a bit before you leap but understand that position is king, not appearances. You’re building toward the unknown and pretending to know is not the kind of posturing you should bother with. Not looking for the result of the change, being in the motion, and enjoying, embracing the motion toward the unknown is where you should position yourself.

Disks are Earth, matter, the material world, your everyday life and 2s are the suit trying to formulate into something from the rawness of the Aces or the beginning of the idea of Earth. Astrologically, the influential and expanding Jupiter is in the highs and lows of the Goat-Fish Capricorn, think rollercoaster, possibly one that goes underwater. And like rollercoasters, they’re scary but probably not going to be the cause of your death. Unless they go underwater, that sounds dangerous. This is a great time to be aware that you’re moving around and kind of always will be. Enjoy the twists and turns of the ride and don’t stress yourself about how and when it will end.

In Mercury Town Hod-ville, where all the Universities are and everyone has real intellectual shit going on is the 6 of Wands, Victory.

This is organizing each action to interact with another to create friction at the intersections. 6s are like the idealized form of each of the suits, in this case FIRE or action, movement. Victory is achieved through strong organization. Here the strands come together to form the rope you pull yourself up with. Each piece is strong on it’s own but when you twist them together correctly you have a much better tool.

Don’t do isolated things, use each action to build on your goals.

On the Moon in Yesod, the receptive and reflective place that is alot about the feelings that you’re picking up from all this is the 8 of Cups, Indolence.

This is emotional stagnancy and “half fulfilled” desires. The structure and order of Saturn is pulled in two directions by Pieces. The waters have become still and a storm is on the horizon. It has been noted that the cups pictured in the card look an awful lot like ashtrays. It’s that shitty.

Try to begin to focus on emotional areas that haven’t received much attention lately unless you want them getting washed out in the storms coming. You must choose what to do in regards to moving forward emotionally or in a relationship that has become stagnant.

Down here in Malkuth-istan, the everyday life mundane, waking up pooping, and going to work world is the ever opening, III The Empress, Daleth, Venus.

Daleth is the open door, like you’d leave your bedroom door unlocked if your lover were coming over, you want them inside (pun sort of intended). This is not passivity but waiting for the spring (or Aries her partner IV The Emperor) to energize what you have. Like the symbolic Pelican (phoenix also) spitting its breast open to feed its young, or like a pregnant person, the brunt of the responsibility for your future growth lies in you.

Be ready and prepared for new growth like springtime, but remember, this all hinges on you and your openness to growth.

So, we’re starting from a place of having multiplied what you know how to do in your regular money making life, with good-ass results. Doing this has put you in a place where you can finally take some time and focus on number 1 (not that you should think of yourself as more important than those in your orbit, it’s just that you are you and they are not, so gas up your car not theirs?) and study those celestial bodies sataliting about you, exemplifying, juxtaposing and uniting you with your cosmic neighborhood, so to speak. And the news is that you should stick with what you know because apparently that skill is well formulated and consistently produces good results that benefit you and that community around you.

Now, as far as you influencing your world, uh, well, you’re not very used to having a say in what goes on around you, but as you’re given more responsibility, you’re going to have to really learn on the fly and learn to pace yourself so you don’t just burn up and out. And that’s ‘cause ya need to be focusing on how cool you are and how you are totally trustworthy and can deal with all this stuff your way (since it is coming through you anyway) and all this new responsibility is something you can handle.

While you change and grow as a person, just realize that you’re always slowly shifting that, right now it is noticeable because that change is extra pronounced, but again, it’s not anything “new” or unmanageable. Part of the ”new new” is thinking about your actions/the tasks you’re responsible for are all building on each other to make one big whole thing. The sum being greater than the whole of its parts. Speaking of sums and parts, you need to work on surrounding yourself with people and energy that are fulfilling emotional and “connective” areas of your life you’ve been neglecting, these higher connections and emotions have been wholesale left to rot on the vine and it is time to pick those fruits, they are done ripening, now you gotta do something with them and ignoring those Watery areas will just leave you all dry and dusty. That being said, the answer to “HOW I DO THAT” is just being open to the experience/possibility/persons as they arrive into your life. Don’t seek after it, it will come to you and know exactly how to activate you and get the blood pumping again and everywhere!

Ta Da another successful Tarot reading for you. Let me know how you wanna proceed with the further readings.

Hit me up with any questions, of course!

-Frater N0vght

#tarot spreads #divination #cartomancy #occult #magick

16 notes · View notes

hifilounge · 4 years

Photo

Taiko Audio SGM Extreme Music Server Now On Permanent Demo, This is A Quantum Leap For Digital Music!

Hi Everyone,

Now I am super excited about this new product we have just taken delivery of for demo. In 8 years of HiFi Lounge I would argue this is the most groundbreaking piece of HiFi we have had through our doors. I’m sure Taiko Audio isn’t a name everyone has heard of but I’m pretty confident they are about to change the digital music landscape with their SGM Extreme, for those who don’t know it is basically a £25,000 Music Server and a Roon Core and End Point all in one rather beautiful chassis, but what I love about it is that it has been designed with a no compromise outlook where it ends up costing what it costs but it will be the very best that is possible today and it really is a Quantum leap for digital music playback.

When Taiko was first mentioned to me I really was unaware of them and the rep suggested he bought it in for me to listen to and I’m always happy to try something new but I did tell him upfront that there is no way that I am going to bring on a £25,000 server, I mean who on earth would buy that, and then I heard it and I’m sure you can guess the rest, yep I placed the order there and then and have been waiting patiently and excitedly for the last few months for it to arrive, lockdown couldn’t have come at a worse time.

It really isn’t very often we get something ground breaking in this industry, everything is generally a refinement on what has gone before, but I really feel this is something very special and if you have the system to benefit from a Taiko I cannot urge enough that you give it a try, not necessarily to buy one but just to experience how good digital can be, it is amazing in just a few short years we have progressed from using NAS drives and computers for digital storage to the Taiko Extreme which shows it is still early days for digital and we’ve probably still got a long way to go but with products like this it really does take it to another level.

It has been said that the SGM Extreme can compete with the best turntables and Reel to Reels out there and at last gives something to people who have struggled moving from analogue to digital, I couldn’t really say but for me it was the air, space and naturalness of the sound it gives that drew me in, it really is totally captivating and it is great that there is a company like Taiko willing to push the boundaries and take digital to the next level.

So this is another step towards us putting together our Reference System that I planned out earlier in the year, just one more product to come, well 4 boxes really making up one product, what could it be? Then the listening begins.

But really I can’t stress enough please do come in to experience the Taiko, this is not me being a sales man, if you love your music you owe it to yourself to give the Taiko Audio SGM Extreme a listen to hear digital at it’s very best, I really wish we could do an open day this year to showcase the Taiko but obviously that is not possible at the moment but rest assured as soon as we can then this will be one of our first open days.

https://hifilounge.co.uk/product-category/brands/taiko-audio/

Cheers,

Paul.

#Taiko Audio

2 notes · View notes

lovehaswonangelnumbers · 4 years

Photo

New Post has been published on https://lovehaswonangelnumbers.org/july-is-herewe-have-tipped-the-scales/

July is Here~We Have Tipped the Scales

By A Gift from Gaia

July is here, we have tipped the scales and we are now on the home stretch, albeit there is still so much more ground to cover. The month ahead in terms of energy feels somewhat like a bedding in period as opposed to high action and abrupt transformation that we have come accustomed to in 2020. There has been an incredible amount of change these past 6/7 months and the gift of July brings the space in which we can really get to know thyself once again.

When we choose to take the path of light what we receive is the most incredible love story in which life becomes a pattern of lightening and loving, the more we lighten the more our tastes, appreciation, and requirements change and there is nothing more exciting than having a new version of Self to explore and love more on each twist of this journey.

July has the theme of stabilisation, it’s where we come back to the heart and the first two weeks especially will provide the insight to show each of us exactly how we are about to expand on this. The second half of the month will begin to highlight the unconscious anchors and attachments that possibly stand in the way of what is next to enter.

But for now let us take a breather, there has been so much to take stock on and its time to really get to know the new lighter you, and this is most important before the incoming Lunar Eclipse, we will get to this shortly.

“What’s done is done, its what you do now that counts” are the words that entered my thoughts when I sat down to begin writing this report and there is no truer words to share as we begin July, there is tension in the air, there is friction and frustration, we can taste it in our mouths and it tastes bitter however what this actually tells us is that there is plenty of room for growth, that the lack is about to polarise for it to be seen more easily and therefore the opportunity to neutralise arises for the healing to then take place.

Do not lose sight of the purpose we are all currently surfing, which is a redistribution of energy, this means that our old values must be turned off before we can turn the new on. Turning the old values off was much of what we saw within the reflection of the virus and this is covered massively in one of the new light keys that is birthing through me now, I will be sharing in the Opal Portal very soon.

The virus showed us all where there was waste, pollution and dis-ease/disharmony and how this mess was a reflection of our truth, of our core frequency and it was through the mirror of the virus being thrust in our faces that we got to see how we have been unconsciously and blindly participating in a world that is programmed into the death cycle as opposed to the life cycle.

A little like a cup half empty instead of the cup being viewed as half full

It became very apparent that during our lockdown the light community got lighter by seeing the habits, addictions and perceived needs and wants and from this view each began choosing to lighten the load to release, making way to adopt new sustainable and healthfilled practices that offer point and purpose to assist in forging the new light path ahead.

However, what creates some friction even in the most light filled of beings is how to now operate when stepping back into the collective which appears as though it hasn’t learned, who didn’t see what was required to be seen and appears to have gushed back into the “norm” the moment the lockdown lifts. The answer to this is so very simple, its showing you exactly where there is a level of nonunderstanding as to how this all operates, its highlighting the judgement still held within that now burns in the reflection of seeing the unconscious version of you from yesterday and this now gives more opportunity for each to stabilise and bring peace into the equation in which each learns to observe the ebb and flow of change.

The light community holds the field in super space and allows for all opportunities that assist in the understanding of how we manifest and create our world through our thoughts, feelings and actions to move in and out of our field of learning, without judgement and therefore without defence.

The light community knows that patterns repeat and the opportunities to turn the nonunderstanding into understanding will continue until all has been cleared, this is simply a part of a process and not the process in its entirety.

So, if there is a feeling of frustration or restriction bubbling up then know there is much more space to be found within, the only thing that will be standing in the way is a judgement or belief boundary.

There are much fewer planetary aspects in July, which means the space and freedom opens to create magic, however it is in this space and freedom that restriction, if present within, will make itself known, let’s not forget that until we master the mirrored world we play with the polarity and duality that the programming holds, how we experience is down to the core frequency each holds and it is this frequency alone that determines how this manifests in the reality, the more higher and expanded the conscious frequency held the more we have to play with in the new, whereas the more unconscious the tones the more restriction will call for patience to be learned so that the old can be finally left to dissolve, but what is clear is that the entire spectrum will have the next two weeks to explore the space that these fewer transits will allow – a growth period is ahead!

This space then creates a lift off effect for the second half of the month which will once again act much like a reap what we sow energy in terms of the effort and energy that we put into the first half. If peace is your focus then peace will be the tone achieved, those who have stabilised in the peace tones then play with the magical energies of miracle healings and those who have stabilised in the wisdom that the healings provide will then sit is a space to begin participating in the NewBuild, the space in which light structures are built that are zero carbon/karmic and fully sustainable as they are built with the purity of light.

This spectrum of peace through to healing through to constructing light structures holds its roots within the 3rd and final eclipse of this season, it’s a quantum leap that is available, but in order to achieve it we must be weightless OR the alternative is we receive the “failed” (there is no failure) checklist that we received at launch to THEN begin making the adjustments ready for the next opportunity to leap – there is more, there is ALWAYS MORE.

The reverberation of “what’s done is done, its what we do now that counts” comes back in as a matter of importance, meaning no matter how this month pans out there is NO loss or waste providing we take the information we receive and do something super light beneficial with it. Bring it all within, internalise it, realise the reflection as the creation of the core frequency held and shift from that space.

I have spaces available for 1-2-1 sessions if required please email [email protected] or book through the website and I will email to arrange https://agiftfromgaia.com/…/1-2-1-with-andrea-cutlan-found…/

Come mid month we have the medicine required, it could well be the bitterness but truth is, all the best medicine tastes horrible but if you want healing then it will be time to “man up” and swallow the pill…

Here is a brief overview of the movements we have ahead: 1st July – According to the western astrology map Saturn retrograded back into Capricorn. Those who observe the planets will know that when Saturn entered Aquarius was the point in which our lockdown began. With the shift back into Capricorn we can see how we now have an opportunity to revisit this period and to look at what got us to experience such a loud disturbance in the field. Obviously, as I shared earlier in the report, the reflection highlights our waste and disconnection from our purpose and so using this time for some introspection in terms of the foundation of you will be highly rewarding and revealing.

Beliefs and core values, what governs you, your rule, all of that is now open and ready for new contracts and its time to take a good look at the tender applications and see what is now best suited for the journey ahead. Remember, zero waste equates to zero karmic/carbon footprints and the lighter you become the quicker you too can begin floating over the sands of time.

Saturn coming back into Capricorn also enables any unconscious time constraints to be looked at and expanded upon, there is a pegging, an anchor that takes us back to March which is where and when the shift began so by taking a closer look and some super introspection there is a lot of expansion available, some super releases are about to open up. If you’re not sure what was happening back in March and could do with a recap then perhaps the energy report libraries found in both the Sapphire and Opal Portals at the website may assist, this was the reason I created them, so that we can take a look back again at when cycles began. The older these libraries become the more valuable they will be for those studying the patterns and cycles of the Alignment.

Here is the link to the free Sapphire portal to take a look – https://agiftfromgaia.com/wp-login.php?action=register

For a more intricate library and an abundance of light keys and activations to guide and assist perhaps consider supporting the Opal Portal which you can enter here – https://agiftfromgaia.com/register-opal-portal/

Saturn returning to Capricorn is likely to be triggering those with a rather large Bank of I Know, meaning there will be plenty of realisations and opportunities to do what it is you already know you need to shift and change but perhaps wasn’t quite aware of the importance at that time, however those now requiring to complete a 180 degree turn will be able to do so with ease now, super supported, providing the purpose to be a Care Giver is fully aligned to. Any sacrificing, any inability to receive the guidance and what is actually being given is need/return based and these behaviours are most definitely no longer permitted, this will be rebounding back as a reflection for all to be seen in its truth, that’s the wonderful thing about Saturn in Capricorn, all must be in Order, Cosmic Order, and it works very differently to the human order we programmed ourselves into.

4th to the 8th July – According to the modern/western astrology map the Sun enters to the alignment with our Central Sun, Sirius. This alignment is crucial in the next phase which promises faster download speeds. This ultimately requires more value and more focus in order to keep up, so on the one hand things are likely to begin getting rather “zippy”, the visions are showing excited protons that are vibrating so fast they are building up a super magnetic pull that is going to be drawing all that is in the range of matching frequencies forward for the opportunity of expansion. On the other hand we have the resistance in which we are to see more of the collective dissolution – stay focused all must be cleaned, cleared and tuned up to continue, otherwise it manifests as its truth which is waste, this waste then shows itself as dysfunctional for it to be released from our world. That which is of no use will now leave, this must be understood as the way of the world from this point on so that the phases of clearing can be held in pure acceptance.

5th July – Capricorn Lunar Eclipse according to western astrology and it hits the Galactic Centre when we view from the Sidereal astrology, either way this is a quantum leap of an extraordinary size. I will cover this in its own individual report as both maps require a lot of attention to share the most magical picture. This full moon is one of the most spectacular and completes the eclipse season for this summer, an eclipse season that gave us an almighty hop, skip and a quantum jump motion. This has the power to entirely transform life, the sun sits on Sirius and the Moon hits Vega if we look at modern astrology and if we look at ancient astrology we have the moon in eclipse over the galactic centre, if this energy doesn’t send your spine into racing tingles then there are obviously blockages that require some tending to. This eclipse is now the focus, and the point to this focus is to remove all the WOWS and settle into the new now so that the transformation can move in with ease without any unconscious drag in the field that highlights lack. When we experience the overwhelm within the WOWS what we receive is the need for downtime as we expend the energy, it gets sucked into our voids of lack and we begin to create a drag in time. Of course, these points give us direction to the healing of our lack BUT the point is that it’s a pointless experience when we understand what it is showing us, hence me sharing with you now. Smooth transitions are essential for quantum leaps but most essential to be able to hit the ground running upon landing. The guidance here is… Expectations are to be dissolved however we do come to expect nothing but the grandest on the light path. Sounds confusing I know but there is a balance point in which we know our value, we understand our worth at core level and therefore when we are in a period of manifesting the new we must come to expect the most aligned outcomes, otherwise we are holding distrust and lack chords. Prepare for the arrival of your dreams, and we want zero shock going into the field so plan/envisage now and bring that dream alive…

12th July – Chiron stations retrograde and does so on the fixed star Algenib (modern astrology) this star in known to be an unfortunate star and represents vanity and bad judgement in its lowest octaves whilst holding ambition, intuition and enthusiasm in its higher octaves. The point and purpose is already been seen in these words, the collective is about to push but its pushing without listening to the guidance FOR it to learn about intuition and following those heart led I KNOWS that we all once failed to listen to. When we look at this retrograde through the soul aligned map of ancient astrology we find Chiron in Pisces and this retrograde then conjuncts with the fixed star Achemar which is known as a highly fortunate star that brings sudden success, spiritual alignments and access to new realms. These two maps really do highlight the spectrum of what can and will be achieved through the Chiron retrograde and again, this deserves its own incredibly special report. I hold the energy of Chiron so very dear to my heart as its with every conjunction, square, trine that it made throughout these past years that lit up my path that led me to the beginning of my healing. Chiron has been the energy that has shown that miracle healings are most definitely available providing I was to show up and be brave enough to enter the deep pains of the past for intense cleaning. Which I did and which led me to discover that we are most definitely able to heal the blind and the deaf and we can most definitely heal what we believed to be mute, there is a sweet song to be learned in the silence….

July 12th – Mercury stations direct and shoots our new style communication into uncharted territory, movement opens and opportunities arise

14th July Mars conjuncts Chiron in retrograde, this is going to be a crucial point that sets us up for the incoming Mars retrograde in September and if I can offer any guidance to assist here it really is to pay very close attention and to adopt a more ruthless, or perhaps accountable attitude in which there is very little value given to that which emits discord into the field. The wounding, or rather the reflection of the wounding will make itself known through the players in the life field and this will require immediate action where the responsibility is taken, accountability is given and respect becomes the main objective for the remedy. Mars is home now; this is his space, and all must align. This is a great chance for some super deep cleansing to take place that come September we will be happy the steps were taken now.

15th July – Sun is in opposition to Jupiter, at the point “this” all began on January 12th. The sun now is opposing the point in which the Capricorn Council met with the Saturn and Pluto conjunction, themes from January are likely to bring some super-sized “AHA” moments to complete the patterns. This conjunction removes any shreds of doubt and really brings in the finishing touches, it will be obvious why then was not now, you will be seeing clearly how and why things couldn’t take off then and how now is a much more perfect alignment for take-off. We have been aligning to our purpose, and this takes time. This point in time, the date is a super alignment for me as it holds the birthday of someone who walked on Earth up until our 24th year in which she left this realm, to say this day will be abundant feels like a celebration I haven’t attended for the past 21 years, this is the year in which the celebrations return and I will be holding the yellow rose as my symbol. Lets make the 15th July a sea of yellow roses, lets celebrate the beauty of transformation and lets celebrate our abundant lives together and create an energy wave so wide that it encompasses our entire planet.

20th July – New Moon in Cancer (modern astrology) opposing Pluto and Jupiter. A blue moon! If you thought the full moon had some surprises in store just wait and see what this can reveal! Manifest now my loves, this is what its ALL about and why it is so very important to have been releasing the W.O.W.S so that we can walk straight into the arm of our dreams.

22nd July – and I feel weak at the knees, my arms have gone floppy trying to type and I hadn’t even considered these codes that I can feel as my fingers dance over the keys I touch to type – Holy Moly what do we have here then. Its another 22 code, so that’s pretty neat – it will be our 7th (seven is a number of great change) of the year and each 22 code this year has been filled with opportunity for transformation, so watch out 22.07.22 we are coming and this also coincides with the tropical zodiac and the movement of the sun entering Leo, “the new leading energy is birthed from within” are the words that just entered. Astrology speaking when the tropical zodiac enters Leo this means that our sun is in position (as per our view from earth, or the ancient astrology map) to traverse the Great Central Sun Sirius. Something is making itself obvious here to let us know that nothing will be the same come the 3rd week of July. Our next stop will be Mars entering shadow period and Venus leaving, which will create a new field of balance for us all to learn how to operate and begin preparing for more unconscious frequencies to begin smashing and crashing in time for the Great Mars Retrograde in September.

This is going to be such a beautiful month in which we are now responsible for stabilising in these new behaviours and frequencies and begin readying ourselves to receive the lift off that unfolds in the remaining months of this incredibly transformative year.

If you wish to receive ALL the detailed reports then please head through the Opal Portal and become a supporting member of the light shared – https://agiftfromgaia.com/register-opal-portal/

I am sharing so MUCH love with you all Andrea Xxx www.agiftfromgaia.com

******

LoveHasWon.org is a Non-Profit Charity, Heartfully Associated with the “World Blessing Church Trust” for the Benefit of Mother Earth

Share Our Messages with Love and Gratitude

VISIT OUR LOVEHASWON DIRECTORY… ALL OUR PLATFORMS ACCESIBLE IN ONE PLACE ~ https://linktr.ee/lovehaswon777

Visit Our Online Store for Higher Consciousness Alternative Medicine, Products and Tools: Gaia’s Whole Healing Essentials

Visit Our NEW Sister Site: LoveHasWon Angel Numbers

https://lovehaswonangelnumbers.org/

Commentary from The First Contact Ground Crew 5dSpiritual Healing Team:

Feel Blocked, Drained, Fatigued, Restless, Nausea, Achy, Ready to Give Up? We Can Help! We are preparing everyone for a Full Planetary Ascension, and provide you with the tools and techniques to assist you Home Into The Light. The First Contact Ground Crew Team, Will Help to Get You Ready For Ascension which is Underway. New Spiritual Sessions have now been created for an Entire Family, including the Crystal Children; Group Family Healing & Therapy. We have just began these and they are incredible. Highly recommend for any families struggling together in these times of intense changes. Email: [email protected] for more information or to schedule an emergency spiritual session. We can Assist You into Awakening into 5d Reality, where your experience is one of Constant Joy, Wholeness of Being, Whole Health, Balanced, Happy and Abundant. Lets DO THIS! Schedule Your Etheric Surgery With Mother God Below, Including TWO sessions with a recommended donation of $88.88

⭐ Etheric Surgery with Mother & Father of ALL Creation ~ It’s Miracle Time! ~

https://www.lovehaswon.org/sessions/etheric-surgery/

⭐Crystal Schools for Rainbow Children:

https://www.lovehaswon.org/crystal-schools-for-rainbow-children/

⭐Schedule an Amazing Holistic Healing Session:

https://www.lovehaswon.org/holistic-healing-session/

⭐Call to Action Ascension Session:

https://www.lovehaswon.org/call-to-action-ascension-session/

⭐ LoveHasWon Clothing Line:

https://www.lovehaswon.org/t-shirts-apparel/

🌈 If you wish to participate, collaborate or coordinate with us on projects or services that are similar to the mission of Ascension for Mother Earth & Humanity, contact us. It is an Honor to connect with those of the Heart, in Unity Consciousness.

Love Always,

Mother & Father of all Creation & The First Contact Ground Crew Team.

Twin Flame Spiritual Intuitive Ascension Session: https://lovehaswon.org/lovehaswon-twin-flame-spiritual-intuitive-ascension-session/

Request an Astonishing Astrology Session: https://lovehaswon.org/lovehaswon-astrology/

Connect with MotherGod~Mother of All Creation on Skype @ mothergoddess8

Receive THE TRUE STORY OF CREATION, The Tree Of Life Book ~ https://gaiaswholehealingessentials.org/collections/higher-consciousness-transmutations/products/lovehaswon-tree-of-life-book

Receive The LoveHasWon Ascension Guide: https://gaiaswholehealingessentials.org/collections/higher-consciousness-transmutations/products/lovehaswon-ascension-guide

**If you do not have a Paypal account, click on the button below:

If you wish to donate and receive a Tax Receipt, click the button below:

https://www.paypal.com/fundraiser/charity/3676799

Use Cash App with Our code and we’ll each get $5! FKMPGLH

Cash App Tag: $lovehaswon1111

https://cash.me/app/FKMPGLH

Donate with Venmo

https://venmo.com/lovehaswon1111

Thank you so much for Supporting Our Gaia’s Whole Healing Gofundme Campaign

https://www.gofundme.com/f/gaias-whole-healing-essentials

We also accept Western Union and Moneygram. You may send an email to [email protected] for more information.

***If you wish to send Donations by mail or other methods, email us at [email protected] or [email protected]***

**** We Do Not Refund Donations****

MeWe ~ Youtube ~ Facebook ~ Apple News ~ Linkedin ~ Twitter ~ Tumblr ~ GAB ~ Minds ~ Google+ ~ Medium ~ Mix ~ Reddit ~ BlogLovin ~ Pinterest ~ Instagram ~ Snapchat

#5D Astrology #Astrology Updates

2 notes · View notes

stolethekey · 5 years

Text

there can’t be songs for every soldier, can’t be solace every time you cry

read on ao3

They give her a funeral.

It’s quick, it’s quiet, and it’s not nearly what she deserves, but of the five of them, not a single person seems able to string together more than a couple sentences about what Natasha meant to them. Everyone starts, stumbling through a few choked-up words, then fades into a despairing silence with a shake of their heads.

Steve thinks, somehow, that this is more fitting anyway. She’d always been content to let silence do the talking—she might’ve liked that their love and pain hung in the air around them, unburdened by clumsy turns of phrase and awkward word choices that could never quite capture what a person could feel.

The real emotional eruption comes after, when the silent tears are interrupted by Tony’s quiet question.

“Do we know if she had family?”

Two little gravestones by a chain-linked fence.

“Yeah,” Steve answers, his voice low. “Us.”

Thor grunts, and Steve knows exactly what is coming before it does—he has experienced the all-too-familiar spiral of denial Thor is about to embark on too many times. He doesn’t move as the god in front of him spouts theories he knows are impossible, making plans Steve knows will never work. He doesn’t flinch as Clint starts yelling about floating red things, and as his voice gets louder and angrier the pit inside of him seems to eat away at more and more of his chest.

If it was the other way around, and it was down to me to save your life—would you trust me to do it?

“It was supposed to be me,” Clint says, his voice suddenly much smaller. “She sacrificed her life for that goddamn stone. She bid her life on it.”

Steve lowers his head, eyes closed in an effort to stem the tears streaming down his face. Bruce gives a terrible, heartbreaking roar, and as Steve looks up to watch the bench go flying over the lake he feels a flare of white-hot anger at the sight of the sheer stillness of the water.

How dare the earth look this good when she is not here to see it? How dare—

“We have to make it worth it,” Bruce says, and as Steve stands to meet his eyes he feels an aching determination start to form in his stomach.

Where else am I gonna get a view like this?

“We will.”

---

Clint finds him after they’ve all shuffled inside, a slightly sheepish look on his face.

“When we—when this is all over, and we put the stones back,” he mumbles, fingers jammed inside his pockets, “I—um, I don’t think I can—I just can’t go back there—"

“I understand,” Steve says softly, a sense of resolve settling in his gut. “I’ll do it. I want to—I want to talk to her, say a real goodbye.”

Clint looks up, the pain in his face a direct replica of the one currently tearing its way through Steve’s heart. “She loved you, you know.”

The grief writhing in Steve’s stomach like a monstrous parasite starts thrashing even harder, and even though Clint’s eyes are kind Steve finds it inordinately difficult to meet them. “She loved all of us.”

“Yeah, but you, especially—you helped her, a lot. She told me what she told you, what you did for her. You were there for her, all those years, when I—when I wasn’t.”

Steve gives him a sad, knowing smile and shakes his head. “Don’t beat yourself up for that.”

“If I had just—we could’ve had more time—“

“You didn’t know,” Steve says resolutely. “None of us did. Trust me, if I had, things would be different right now.”

---

Vormir is freezing.

It’s the first time he has been truly alone since the Quantum realm, and as he climbs, the icy ground crunching beneath his boots, Steve feels a dull hollow start to expand inside of him. It is achingly painful and he ignores it, even as it becomes harder and harder to disregard—he does not want to be alone with it, does not want to confront the dark abyss that has appeared where Natasha once was.

She had climbed this mountain, too; she might have even taken this path. His feet could be landing where hers did, minutes earlier.

They’d climbed a similar one, on Earth, back before the snap, before the world seemed so irreparably full of despair, and she’d joked about going rock climbing sometime, to see which of them could scale a wall faster. They had never gone—and now he would never know—

He thinks he might be hallucinating, because every now and then he thinks he can see her, shivering but still excited, cracking jokes and smiles with her old friend, completely unaware of the terrible bargain awaiting her at the top.

The cliff comes slowly into view, the top surrounded by swirling clouds and what looks like smoke, and as he stares at the sky Steve sends a brief prayer of thanks to his past self for leaving the soul stone for the end. Ice and snow coat every inch of the ground, and the temperature seems to drop with every step he takes.

The suitcase in his hand seems to grow heavier as he approaches the top, and his grief is briefly replaced by unease as a black, shadowy figure begins to form in front of him.

“Steven Rogers”, the figure says, his voice sending a burst of adrenaline through Steve’s veins, “Son of—“

“You,” Steve snarls, fingers curling into a fist.

“Me,” Red Skull says calmly, floating forward so that his face, as grotesque as ever, is brought into the dim light of the sky. “Welcome—”

“I killed you.”

“You thought you killed me, just as you thought you killed HYDRA. But I am not dead; instead, I have been assigned to a fate far less desirable—”

“Save it,” Steve says roughly, ignoring the pounding in his chest. “Where is she?”

“I’m afraid you are too late,” the Skull says softly. “Your friends have already gone.”

The double meaning of the word is not lost on him.

“I know,” he says, trying to ignore the fresh grief that has just jolted through his body. “I’m from the future. I’m here to return the stone. And to take her back. A soul for a soul, right? That was the deal.”

“There is nothing that can be done. Surely Barton told you? It is irreversible.”

And he knows, he knows, he has known since Clint’s knees buckled in front of his eyes, but there is something in him that keeps him fighting even though he knows it is futile.

“Then take me. Take me instead—”

“It will not. What’s done is done. You may keep the stone—”

“I don’t want the stone, I want her."

The man that was once Johann Schmidt merely looks at him, an almost detached look on his face. “Is this love, Captain Rogers?”

Steve laughs, a bitter, hollow sound that rings through the nothingness around them. “Love. Nothing more than an empty, meaningless word when you’re too late.”

“But you knew you were going to be too late,” Red Skull says quietly. “And you came anyway.”

“Yeah,” Steve says, voice cracking slightly. “I wanted to make things right, as much as I can. She spent her whole life thinking she was alone. I’m not gonna let her die that way, too.”

There is a moment of silence before Red Skull speaks. “For what it’s worth,” he almost murmurs, “She did not die alone. Her friend—Barton—”

“I know,” Steve mutters, ignoring the pang in his heart as Clint’s grief-stricken face swims into his mind. “But I wanted to be here too. I couldn’t—if she’s really gone— ”

“What an honorable thing to do.”

“Listen,” Steve snarls, frustration seeping into his voice. “She was my anchor to this life, my guide through the labyrinth of moral ambiguity that is the present. I owe her this, at least.”

“The man out of time,” Red Skull says softly. “Yet somehow always cursed with too much.”

“You did that,” Steve spits, his nails digging deeper and deeper into his palm. “I lost everything because of you. Everything. She showed me there was a purpose. That there’s a reason to keep fighting. She gave me back my life. The least I can do is try and do the same for her.”

“There is nothing you can do,” Red Skull says simply, seemingly unaware of Steve’s mounting anger. “The stone—”

Something snaps. “I—DON’T—CARE—ABOUT—THE—STONE!” he roars, slamming the case onto the ground. The latch breaks open, and the orange gleam of light that beams into the air sends another jolt of fury through Steve’s body.

“Take the stone,” he snarls, both hands clenched tightly at his sides. “Take it, and keep it for the next sick person who wants it for some revolting, demented purpose—I never want to see it again.”

He stops, breathing heavily, and Red Skull holds his gaze steadily, a calm and indifferent look on his face.

Steve’s voice is cold and eerily calm when he speaks again. “I want her body.”

“I’m afraid that’s impossible.”

“It’s down there. I can get it—“

“No,” he says softly, a strange glittering in his eyes. “You may talk to it, pay your respects. But you cannot take it. It must stay here, as a reminder of the sacrifice made for the stone.”

“Fine,” Steve growls, as another surge of anger washes over him. “I’m going.”

“It’s a long way down.”

“I’ll walk.”

The trek down the mountain is more painful, somehow, than the one up it. The cold silence, broken occasionally by a sharp gust of wind, becomes more unbearable with every step. He climbs downward, jaw clenched against the wind, and wonders briefly where the Skull lives when he isn’t greeting people on the way to their deaths.

The trek down the mountain seems endless, but as Steve’s feet hit solid ground and he sees the body crumpled at the foot of the cliff, it seems to come to an end much too quickly.

He approaches the body as if in slow motion, hardly daring to breathe, and as he catches a sight of achingly familiar red hair a sob starts to make its way out of his chest.

His knees buckle as he reaches her side and sees her face. Her eyes are closed—he wonders if she’d done that on purpose—and her expression is so calm that if he didn’t know better he’d think she was simply pretending to sleep, ready to leap up and scare him at any moment.

Natasha, once so strong and full of life, is lying limp and broken in front of him, and despite himself he feels a wave of futile denial crash through his body.

See you in a minute, she’d said, her eyes dancing with excitement, so giddy that she’d hardly been able to stand still in her suit.

See you in a minute, she’d said, her face full of the first glimpse of genuine happiness he’d seen from her in over five years. She’d been so joyful, so relieved to have gotten her family back, so excited to be saving the world with them again.

See you in a minute, she’d said, and then she’d gone—

He wonders what her last words were.

“Hey,” he murmurs, taking her cold, limp hand. Something hot starts to prickle behind his eyes. “For the record, when I told you to get a life, this was not what I meant.”

“I just—we just wanted to tell you: we did it. We won. Because of you.”

She doesn’t respond, and the silence gets more unbearable every second, so he starts talking. He tells her about the funeral, about the way Bruce threw a bench into the sky, and then he keeps going—his voice breaks every few sentences, but he tells her about Bruce’s snap, about the final, big, battle, about everyone coming back just in the nick of time, like they always do—

He falters slightly when he gets to Tony.

“I never—I didn’t realize until after—I never really apologized to him. We just kind of moved on. I guess I thought, if we actually won, we’d have the rest of our lives to fix things.”

His eyes shut, ever so briefly.

“I keep thinking about that, too. How I never say things until none of it means anything anymore. How little words mean when you’re too late.”

He sighs, trailing a finger along her cold, stiff palm. “Grief and regret. They’re like old enemies to me, now. I’m no stranger to them. But it still hurts, every single time.”

“I suppose, objectively, that the cost we pay is nothing compared to what we get. But I look at the world we saved, the world we brought back, and I just—I don’t know if I have a place in it, anymore. It feels different without you.”

Ice crystals are starting to form on her hair, and Steve runs a hand down a few strands, wiping them clean as much as he can.

“For you, it hasn’t been that long since you—since you fell. But for me, it’s been days, and I really—I just really, really miss you. You worked so hard to make me see that I belonged in that world, but—I don’t know, Nat, I think I always just belonged with you.”

“So I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I wish you were here to tell me.”

Her skin looks so pale in the shadow of the cliff.

“Anyway, I know you can’t hear me. And if you could, you’d probably chew me out for walking a million miles in the snow just to talk to someone who can’t respond. But I guess I just—I didn’t want you to be alone.”

Her hand is freezing and unmoving in his, and his voice, hoarse and full of tears, fades away as his eyes rove over her pale, lifeless face. He lets the silence sit with them for what feels like hours, only moving when he feels his body start to go numb from the cold.

He buries her, there in the cold, his fingers scraping at the icy dirt in a sort of numb desperation. He finds a sharp rock to use as a spade and starts digging. The wind, unforgivingly harsh, bites at his skin as he works, but he hardly feels it at all—he digs with a kind of cold fury, deeper and deeper into the cold, hard earth. He funnels his grief into work, just as he always has; he welcomes the sharp, physical pain of the cuts that form on his hands and lets it wash over the ache in his heart.

In that way, he thinks, they have always been similar.

In this world, time is of no consequence, and he is completely unaware of the amount of it that passes. He sinks deeper and deeper into the hole, fingers raw but always working, and when it finally seems deep enough he looks up to find that the sky looks exactly the same.

He lifts his companion, his guiding light, as gently as possible and lowers her into the grave, arranging her limbs so that she appears to be sleeping. As he straightens up, he remembers Tony’s funeral—the beauty of the lake and the sky, and the rows and rows of people, of families, all there to pay their respects.

And here she lies, in a rough, hand-dug hole in the ground on a completely foreign planet.

He covers her in the earth, eyes never leaving her body, and after she is completely obscured from view he reaches into his pocket.

The makeshift gravestone expands in his hand, whirring softly, and he leans over to tuck it into the earth near her head. He doesn’t understand the technology, but Bruce had said that it would find roots in the ground, that it would work its way into the planet and stay there. A semblance of permanence, an eternal monument for the one who had given everything for the chance to make the world right again.

He glances at the stone, which is still buzzing steadily, and runs a final hand along the dirt beside it.

“Bye, Nat,” he murmurs softly as he gets to his feet. “We miss you, and we—I—love you.”

Long after Steve has disappeared back into the night, the humming stops. A completed marker stands, small but erect, at the head of a makeshift grave at the bottom of the cliff. It will stand there for the rest of eternity, for nobody and for everybody. On the surface of the stone, a hand-written conscription has taken form, carved painstakingly by a multitude of different hands.

Here lies Natasha Romanoff,

One who would give everything and ask for nothing in return.

May the world remember her for who she was:

A spy, a hero, a friend.

A loved one.

242 notes · View notes

type2diabetestreatments-blog · 7 years

Text

Dexcom's New G4 — Is Now the Time to Buy?

New Post has been published on http://type2diabetestreatment.net/diabetes-mellitus/dexcoms-new-g4-is-now-the-time-to-buy/

Dexcom's New G4 — Is Now the Time to Buy?

Editor's Note: I'm expecting a new G4 unit of my own any day now. I plan to post my own review, and my opinions may differ from our correspondent's here. We're all for diversity of viewpoints. -AmyT

Last month, Dexcom's fourth-generation Continuous Glucose Monitor (CGM) was FDA approved, much faster than anyone — even the folks at Dexcom— expected. Fifteen days later, I was opening a FedEx box from Dexcom and have been wearing the G4 Platinum 24-7-19 since then. Wait a minute...19?

Yeah, I added nineteen to the name 'cause, you know, as of today, that's how many days I've had it. You can't be 24-7-365 until you've worn it for a year, right? But nearly three weeks is long enough to begin to learn its personality, its strengths, its weaknesses. To judge how much of an improvement it is over its predecessor, and to and help you answer the question: Is it right for me?

What to Love

Let's face it, she has a pretty face. The G4 has an appealing form factor that can be appreciated in isolation, but it really shines when compared to the squashed football look of previous Dexcom receivers. But is the beauty only skin deep? Is this just the same old CGM in a pretty new box?

Not hardly.

The new sensor is better, both in size and accuracy. The new transmitter has a much longer range. The alarm volume options are better. The user interface is better, especially in the display of blood sugar readings. And that's just the beginning. All better. But how much impact will these changes really make on your day to day life?

The sensor itself is supposed to be 60% smaller, but frankly, a 60% smaller fishing line is still a fishing line. I couldn't tell any difference, but I never found the Seven Plus sensor to be painful to insert or to wear. Where I could see a difference, however, was in how well the sensor works and how long it works.

The improvements are subtle, but I'm seeing better accuracy with the G4. It's probably the best of any of the eight different CGM systems I've worn. The G4 catches lows more nimbly than its predecessor, and it's less likely to tell me that I'm low when I'm not. Beyond that, the accuracy doesn't wane with time. Thirteen days was the longest my skin could handle having a sensor in one spot, but it was working just fine when I pulled it.

Not Tickled Pink

Color, color, everywhere color. Breaking from the past three systems, which were all T-Ford black, the new G4 comes in three colors, showing that Dexcom is paying attention to consumer tastes and trends. But to be honest, I personally can't get excited about the new colors. If you put your receiver in a case (they're all black) then you can't see the color anyway, and if you don't use a case you'll eventually use a skin. There aren't any skins available yet, but I'd put money on the fact there will be soon. So the receiver colors — black, ocean blue, and tickled pink — are a marketing tool at best.

But the G4's color isn't just skin deep after all.

The new receiver also boasts a color screen, and I think it's the first diabetes device to use color intelligently. Both the Animas Ping and the OneTouch Verio have color screens, but the use of color by both devices seems to me much like Dexcom's use of surface color: It does no more than let the companies boast that they have used color screens. The G4's color screen, on the other hand, uses a coordinated color scheme where things related to lows are red, highs are yellow, and situation normal is white.

This color scheme carries across alarms, system status, and more importantly to the ever-updating trace lines that show your recent blood sugar readings. The lines change color when you cross your high and low junctures. A glance at the screen shows you how long you've been low or high.

While the receiver status icons are a bit crowded at the top of the screen — a departure from previous models where this info was on the right-hand side — I find the monitor easier to read and I find the "trace" lines of my recent blood sugar meanderings cleaner-looking and easier to view.

But given the battery-sucking reputation of color monitors, what does this color screen cost us in terms of battery life? Like it's father and grandfather, the G4's receiver is rechargeable. Surprisingly, unlike previous Dexcom CGMs, the charge actually holds for a decent period of time — well over seven days per charge for me so far.

What to Hate

In the minus column, the new G4 has some disappointments, most of which are things that are missing, rather than things done poorly.

Chief among the things missing is the lack of time-based alarm thresholds, so we can have different high and low alarms at different times of day, and the lack of predictive alarms.

The Medtronic Revel and Guardian CGM systems have this pair of features. But they also have a much larger and less accurate sensor, with a three-day wear indication, and an almost inaudible alarm tone. Even so, these two features combined are so powerful that if you can hear the Medtronic alarms at night, you're probably better off using their system. Had Dex adopted this pair of features, they would've blown Medtronic out of the water, IMHO.

Dexcom also continues its tradition of lousy cases for their great gear. You would think people that smart could come up with a good case. Or why not do away with the case altogether? Why didn't they design the G4 with an optional belt clip like an insulin pump?

And lastly, in a case of evolution running backwards, the G4's transmitter is actually larger than its predecessor and its charge lasts only half as long. That said, I think it's worth the cost in both size and longevity, as it has bought us a quadrupling of the telemetry range between the sensor and the receiver. The old Seven Plus had an official range of five feet. In the open air, if you were naked, it was a bit better (yes, tested!). But wrapped in blankets on a cold night, it often couldn't communicate between a PWD and his or her nightstand. The G4 boasts an official range of 20 feet, and to be honest, my house apparently isn't big enough to trigger any separation anxiety between the two parts of the system.

What Stays the Same... Sort of

Hello. Haven't we met before? Yes, in a police lineup, you'd be very hard pressed to pick out the G4's sensor inserter from the old one. Same dental tool from hell.

Another thing that stays the same, but can be altered, is the receiver's voice. The Dexcom G4 is still noisy, if you want it to be. I've always been in favor of a CGM so loud it will wake the dead so that you don't join them, but not everyone agrees with me.

The G4 has five different noise-making "profiles" to choose from, that range in both volume and in length of tone. I'm also happy to say the G4 makes very different noises for different situations. It speaks a language you (and your loved ones) can quickly learn, and its new voices give it personality.

Should You Get Out Your Wallet?

If you're a Dex Seven user, should you upgrade? Let me be clear: You'll have to. Eventually. The Seven is dead and buried and the only real question is how long Dexcom will support it. Obviously, it won't go away overnight, but I doubt they'll sell any more transmitters. Will they sell sensors for the old system for one or two years? The new sensors and the old are not compatible.

So I guess the question really is: should you upgrade now?

If you're out of warranty and insured, your insurance company will buy you a new system, and you should do it. The G4 boasts a mildly more accurate sensor, a smaller receiver, and a transmitter with greater range. Any of those three would make the upgrade worth the effort for most CGMers. But you get all three.

On the other hand, the upgrade for an in-warranty system is about 400 bucks. I think if you've got more than six months to go, you should get out your wallet. It'll be worth it for the improvements, and the cost averages out to about $65 per month. Hell, run one sensor for two weeks during that time and you've just paid for it.

But if you've only got a few months left on your current warranty, and you're more-or-less happy with the Seven Plus, I'd wait. The G4 is better across the board, but the improvements are all incremental. Sadly, it's not a quantum leap. There aren't any truly mind-boggling improvements — except maybe for the transmitter range.

In short, is the G4 system all it could be? No. Not hardly. Are there things I'd change? Always. But is the G4 better than the Seven Plus? Absofreakinlutely. Is it massively better? No, not on any individual metric; but collectively the improvements add up. Whether you upgrade now or later, it'll put a smile on your face.

Disclaimer: Content created by the Diabetes Mine team. For more details click here.

Disclaimer

This content is created for Diabetes Mine, a consumer health blog focused on the diabetes community. The content is not medically reviewed and doesn't adhere to Healthline's editorial guidelines. For more information about Healthline's partnership with Diabetes Mine, please click here.

Type 2 Diabetes Treatment Type 2 Diabetes Diet Diabetes Destroyer Reviews Original Article

0 notes