#I went thru so many thoughts and angles but one thing that always makes me go Huh is how like | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

melissa-titanium · 6 months

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the ask game stuff..001 for N nd doll (giggles

GO FUCK YOURSELF . but thank uou... anime berdly emoji . ill answer...FOR NOW

001 | send me a ship and I will tell you:

when I started shipping it if I did: VERY RECENTLY ACTUALLY id say within the last like two weeks. ive always loved doll and always loved n but then i realized like. oh huh i connect alot with n and want to make out with doll . boom. its like borderline selfship at this point its cringe as fuck but let me do whatever i want.

my thoughts: surprisingly i don't have as many thoughts on them as i did but i feel like. because of how much of a foil doll is to uzi i think thats the word it would be like. IDK i feel like for doll it'd help to understand the 'humanity' of the dds. if she witnesses a disassembly drone killing war machine trip over his own tail or bump his head into a doorframe and wince and laugh and talk and hug with gentle arms and do things that she specifically reprogrammed herself NOT to do so she'd have a better chance to kill her worst enemy and avenge her parents... she would short circuit. to actually get to the point of not killing him on sight would take a while or lots of coercing via ... lizzy? or hell maybe even uzi im not sure. unless they had an individual encounter (which, you know, could totally happen! doll out in the wastes and n is on a solo hunt, you know her ass was following them.) that lead to a stalemate, i'm not sure how they'd even meet. HM OK NOW IM THINKING ABOUT THIS. either way tho n has a habit of befriending insane drones (or like... smoochin depending on how you see enzi tho i see them as platonic) and i think he could. Not fix her but he could be there for her bless. and again i think she could help him be not a doormat 💛 also stupid hc i had aboit them i hv always thought doll to have like... a freakishly good memory. which, works perfectly paired with n because like .you know. his memory prahblems . dolls ass can remember the angle of your arm when you were like fucking sitting on a chair on the 13th of april last year or some shit like she PAYS ATTENTION even if she doesn't often share her input... which is also a good thing bcos n is super inclusive always. n voice DOLLLL LOOK WE ARE DOING A THING!!!! :D & shes just like. sighs okay (comes ova 2 him) and eventually.. i think itd get to the point where she can go do shit on her own without being explicitly invited YAY

What makes me happy about them: gotta bring up the Me & My Wife shit again bcos its borderline selfship at this point. i just think its interesting and awesome I REALLY HOPE THEY HAVE AN INTERACTION... tho i doubt it; i think they might fight or smt in ep 7 WHICH HONESTLY I WOULDNT BE SAD ABOUT my goil needs moe screenrtime

What makes me sad about them: doll probably hasnt experienced like. affection in fucking ages & frankly n really hasnt either. i think they'd hold hands and talk about their kill counts. also i just realized they both kind of went thru a period of time tht was little socialization only KILL. doll had school & lizzy, sure, but also living in an apartment with ur parents' & dozens of others' corpses its like. tht fucks w u. but the interesting thing about them is… n and doll don't experience guilt over Killing And Eating People the same way i think. like. just for example v and uzi do (atleast in my perception). like v couldnt cope with the knowledge she had so she fell extra EXTRA hard into her role (atleast using her maid self as an accurate portrayal of her old self) and uzi has never ever experiuenced anything like that before so its fucking terrifying to her. however, with doll and n… they dont percieve it the same way. we understand that both of them are capable of guilt but it takes a very strong connection for them to experience it. ep one; n feels bad for making uzi argue with khan & ruining the card game. does he say a single thing about killing and eating half a dozen workers? No! because it's natural to him. there's nothing out of the ordinary in that situation except for the fact that he was "rude" by interrupting someone & "rude" by causing an argument. yes, he's very sweet and patient and all of the above but he doesn't see killing as really a BAD THING… he sees it as a necessity; as him being useful, higher numbers means hes doing a good job. but, really, that's all he's known. he doesn't remember being a worker. after meeting uzi he's capable of realizing… oh, these are living creatures! i feel a little bad now. but the guilt doesn't come crashing down onto him and leave him utterly devastated at his kill count, it just sits there. it festers. similarly, in my opinion, to how doll reacts to guilt. we see her as this unstoppable force at every point until the end of promening. she knows her goals, she knows what she has to do to get to them, and has shaped herself into the perfect killing machine to do what she needs, removing all forms of guilt from her person to make sure it doesn't get in the way. though, again, it comes bubbling to the surface back from where she buried it so deeply under all her anger when uzi pops her emo little head in. she isnt instantly all "oh my god, what have i done?" but it eats away at her all of this fucking time, she has been killing and hurting her kind, believing she was the only one who could possibly shoulder this burden and deal justice to those who deserved it. but now that she knows she isn't alone… it festers.

things done in fanfic that annoys me: i've seen like three n/doll fics literally EVER but i'd honestly say. major mischaracterization of doll... i feel like doll gets mischaracterized more than n? n's behaviours are easy to understand and read with a surface level understanding because he has more screentime and again ON THE SURFACE looks relatively simple. i think a huge thing in some fanfics that bugs me is that. imitation of speech patterns = perfect characterization WHICH IS NOT TRUE... but also understandably makes it difficult to do with doll because she doesn't talk alot, while N talks a LOT so it leads to a heavy imbalance in mischaracterization. just because the characters would fucking say that, doesnt mean they would Fucking Do That

apparently there is a word limit on tumblr. pleasantly surprised this will be two posts instead

#asks #murder drones #mel roars #jesus christ

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franeridart · 4 years

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Anon said: Ahh I really love your art, especially the way you present your story telling in the comics!! I smile every time I see them on my timeline haha thanks for making my (and likely many others) day! Wishing you all the best!!

Thank you so much!!!!! Especially glad to hear you think my comics’ storytelling works ;O; it means a lot!

Anon said: your satosugu arts give me life omg it's so beautiful and i love how smitten gojou is in all of them😭❤️ thank you for giving us pleasant escape from the disaster that is canon

AH GOSH thank you!!! Gojo lives all his feelings to the fullest doesn’t he! He’s a lot of fun to think about as happy and in love, he gives of the feeling of a warm hug to me ;; back in high school Geto was more reserved with his feelings, but I think he’d show it in his own very soft ways.....ahhhhh man, I love them ;;

Anon said: Your Satosugu is giving me life and also the fluff i need because HOLY SHIT THOSE CHAPTERS ;-;

I KNOW gege really looked at the old gen and went “enough with these dudes” huh lmao but I’m excited to see how everything is gonna turn out from now on! Esp since having been abandoned by the elders the protags are gonna have at the same time more options and less wiggle room.......... interesting!! Can’t wait!

Anon said: hey hey hey i just found your acc and i'm so invested in it already GDJSKALA I LOVE YOUR ART as a beginner like can't draw a circle beginner i truly admire your work also do you have any tips on what i should do to improve my art? because i'm on the brink of giving up istg cause my progress is just none there's no progress idk what to do like pls help me HAHAHHAHA idk what to watch how to practice what to do nothing absolutely nothing but i'm trying my best to hang on cause whenever i keep seeing artists like you it just makes me hang on and be like just keep going but even though i say that i'm going nowhere still so pls help... - 🍄

Ah man, I’m glad I can make you feel like keeping trying!! I answered an ask like this a while back here and I can’t say I have anything new to say on the matter? I hope it’ll help you! In the end the biggest suggestion I can give you is to try to figure out what it is that you want to draw and just draw it! Even if you don’t know how to, just draw it the way you can! As long as the act of drawing itself makes you happy more than the final result you’ll keep up with it and the improvement will come for sure!

Anon said: your art always brightens my day. thank you for sharing it!

Thank you for liking it!!! ;;O;;

Anon said: Idk anything about jujutsu kaisen (I hope I write it well), but seeing your fanarts tempts me to start watching it 😍😍😍

I hope you’ll like it if you do try it!!!!! It’s not a story for everyone, but it is a great story for its own genre! And the studio animating it is doing a wonderful job of making it a work of art too TT0TT

Anon said: Hi! Don’t mean to bother but I wanted to let you know that the user yslkeii on tik tok has reposted some of your art. It’s the “some of my favorite dilfs” video, I think the thumbnail is a photo of Levi Ackerman. She knows that none of the artists in the vid allow reposts but won’t take it down so I figured I’d let them know

Thanks for letting me know! Sadly, I have literally no clue how to act on this for tik tok orz if they could at least credit................ I’m not even too opposted to having my stuff used in videos if there’s credit...................................sigh

Anon said: Hello, I was wondering if I could use some of your old mha art as a reference? I won’t post it anywhere, or trace your work I promise!

Sure you can!! If you don’t mean to post it you don’t even need to ask for permission! Just, you know, my stuff is full of mistakes everywhere so don’t take it too much as a good source for proper anatomy reference and stuff like that!

Anon said: a thought i've been sitting on, having not seen it, that is sending me. gojo/geto color pallet swap

You know, I did see that a while back! White-haired Geto and black-haired Gojo, it was stunning! Didn’t look much like themselves though, Gojo especially hahaha the white hair is really distinctive of him, isn’t it? With it black he kinda looks like first-year!Yuuta with sunglasses hahaha

Anon said: Hey! How you doing? So, i wanted to ask you if I could use one of your Kamijirou's fanarts in my Twitter edit, with credits of course! I hope you get mad with this shitty ask, i totally understand if you don't let me use, is your right ♡

I’d prefer it if you didn’t, sorry!!

Anon said: huhghhuhfjfjd i was scrolling thru your art and i hit a todokiribaku thing you made for a friend an d honestly that's all ive ever needed in life. your friend's taste is impeccable *sobs*

She does doesn’t she!! That’s still one golden ot3, I doubt that’s gonna change any time soon

Anon said: sfdghffgdgd gojo has the right idea. they should just make out

They should!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wish they had!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anon said: i've been looking at your art for months and i //just// realized you've started drawing noses from different angles *facepalm*

I’m trying my best!! It’s one of the things that limited my style the most AND one of the most difficult things for me to tackle, so I’m giving it a shot but still, you know, expect them to stay inconsistent for a while haha

Anon said: so five ish years ago i followed you for haikyuu, then got into bnha through your art and now im very tempted to watch jujutsu kaisen because of you as well

ANON!!!!!! I’m so glad and happy you kept me company this long and through this many fandoms!!!! TTATT if you do try jjk I hope you’ll like it! And if you don’t and decide to leave that’s okay too, I’m just really grateful you stuck around this long already!!! ;;A;; <3<3

#fran answers #long post #have you guys listened to the new hayley williams album btw #i've been listening to it on repeat #getting my stsg feelings all over the place hahaha #sorry miss williams #break-up/i still love you though songs are a one track train for me lately #ah also #jjk spoilers #since we talk about stsg and all #:D

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spacebabehargrove · 4 years

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Keg boys again. More skirt stuff. It’s mostly voyer Tommy.

Tommy smirked as he watched Billy and Steve make out. Oh yes. This was the best payback. Both Steve and Billy were in skirts, and nothing else. Billy’s was red while Steve’s was blue. The colors suited them well, Tommy Thought. They were the ones who Lost the bet. Maybe they should learn that betting on Tommy winning a game is a losing battle. Tommy always won when it was Call of Duty. So, Tommy got to top them. Billy scoffed at it. Steve was into it. But once Tommy got them into their skirts they shut the hell up.

“Look at you guys, can’t keep your hands off of each other.” Tommy smirked. Billy was starting to regret letting Tommy dom.

“Steve? I’m sick of Billy’s attitude, aren’t you?” Tommy knew what he was doing when Billy pulled back from Steve, glaring over at Tommy.

“The fuck is that supposed to-“ Steve put a hand over Billy’s mouth.

“You’re right Tommy. I am sick of his attitude.” Billy looked over to Steve and glared at him.

“Why don’t you show him how to behave Steve. I don’t need to be touched. But he definitely needs an attitude adjustment.” Tommy sat down on the chair in Steve’s bedroom. Steve’s grin turned devious. Billy pulled off of his hand quick and went to say something else. Steve was quick to act though, pushing his fingers into Billy’s mouth.

“What baby? Think that just because I’m in a skirt I won’t have fun with you?” Steve climbed on top of Billy. Billy choked on his fingers, his eyes watering as he watched him.

“Tommy? You sure you don’t wanna touch him too?” Steve looked over to tommy, who was touching himself. Tommy grinned wide.

“He’s All yours.” Tommy told him as he stroked at himself. Steve nodded as he looked back down to Billy. He lifted Billy’s skirt and grinned when he saw that plug he had gotten him a while ago. He remembered when he first brought it to Billy, explaining how much it could benefit them. Billy was into it the moment he saw it. He pulled his fingers out of Billy’s mouth, billy taking the chance to talk.

“You Fucking set me up.” He looked up at Steve. Steve just shrugged.

“Maybe I did.” Steve smiled slyly down at Billy.

“Tommy wants to watch. You gonna be good and let him?” Steve cooed as he pulled on the end of the plug, just enough to tease him. Billy couldn’t help the whine that escaped his mouth as his eyes flicked over to Tommy. Tommy Gave billy a shit eating grin. Billy could tell Tommy was enjoying this. He always could tell when Tommy got excited over something; and he judging by the look Tommy was giving him, Tommy was like a child in a candy store over this.

“Are you Billy?” Steve repeated and turned Billy’s head to look at him. Billy nodded his head and bit his lip. He felt like he had been swept off his feet. He was so sure this was just for Tommy. But now he was realizing that both Steve and Tommy were in on it. He was at the bottom of the totem pole today. And the bottom of something else. Steve pushed his own skirt up, exposing his already hard cock.

“You’re going to take my cock, and moan pretty for Tommy. Got it?” Steve explained was he finally pulled the plug out. Steve had told him to put it in that morning, explaining that he would have one in too, to make it easy on Tommy. Billy couldn’t see from this angle, but he highly doubted that Steve actually had one in. Billy nodded his head again as he felt Steve’s hands come and cup his face, kissing him hot and heavy. Every fucking time Steve kissed him like that Billy’s mind went blank. He didn’t know what godly power Steve had, but he always became putty in his hands from a simple kiss. One of his hands left, and Billy realized quickly that he was lining himself up to get inside of him. He took a deep breath before Steve finally pushed in. He looked over at Tommy and let out a loud moan, watching Tommy’s face turn red from it. He kept his eyes on Tommy as Steve started to fuck into him, growling just a bit. Billy was still so tight. He was always pretty tight, and Steve wasn’t afraid to tell him.

“Tommy, he just fucking takes me. Takes all of me like it’s no deal.” Steve muttered over to Tommy. Tommy’s hand moved faster against his cock, taking in every detail. From Billy’s blue eyes already tearing up, to the way Steve’s hips moved harsh against Billy’s ass, leaving a red mark. The scene was hot. Tommy wasn’t sure how long he was going to last when watching them. It was kinda like when him Heather and Carol had a threesome. There was so much pleasure going on that he could hardly keep himself together. He didn’t need to be touching Steve or Billy to see just how much pleasure the two were having. It made his cock throb with excitement when he listened to Billy moan. He sounded so fucked out already as Steve pushed into him. He knew first hand how damaging that cock could be. You Could be the most demanding person and Steve’s cock would fill every need you needed to be filled. He loved watching Steve put it to use. He loved the way Billy’s eyes rolled back, how his mouth hung open and large moans fell out. He loved how Steve kissed against Billy’s neck, leaving small marks here and there. He loved listening to the slap of skin against skin as Steve picked up the pace. He watched as Billy’s legs shook when Steve lifted them to get a better angle. They both looked like experienced pornstars, but better to Tommy.

“What do you think Tommy? Think I should let him cum?” Steve’s voice cuts thru Tommy’s thick thoughts. He’s so fucking close. He doesn’t even think he can answer Steve at this point. He has to take his hand off his cock just to get a coherent phrase out of his mouth.

“Y-yeah Steve. Let him cum.” He tells Steve. He can see the pleasure on Billy’s face, how close he is. Steve leans down next to Billy, tells him to cum real nice and pretty for Tommy. And that’s it. Tommy pushes himself over the edge and cums onto his hand right as Billy cums between Steve and himself. Tommy has to take his hand off his cock almost instantly after he’s done. He’s far too sensitive from his mind blowing orgasm. He pants hard as he watches Steve’s face next, change into something full of heavily sought out pleasure. He moans Billy’s name as he cums, pulling our and cumming across his stomach. He gets cum on both of their skirts. Tommy can’t believe it. His mind has been put to putty just from watching his friends fuck. Those skirts added a little extra to the pleasure. There was something extraordinary about his friends in Skirts fucking.

“Tommy? You good over there?” Steve asks him. Tommy nods his head, chucking as he wipes off his hand and brings them another cloth to wipe up with. Billy looks worn out.

“Fuck you Hagen.” He still mutters, no heat behind it at all. Tommy Just grins.

“I think Steve did that for me.” Steve laughs loud, and Billy rolls his eyes.

“Fuck off both of you.” He mutters. Steve and Tommy both know he doesn’t mean that. Steve gets them both wiped up and out of the skirts.

“Those things are ruined.” Steve comments. Tommy just grinned. If he could witness this again, he’d get as many skirts as they needed.

#billy hargrove #harringrove #steve harrington #billy x steve #harringrove fanfiction #Tommy hagen #keg boys

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chopstickchild · 4 years

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ok i need to rant for a bit (read at your own risk)

also tw for body image issues

for a bit of background, i do ballet, and im pretty damn serious about it. as in its the centre of my life and i plan to make a career of it.

well my mom is rly supportive about this, but sometimes she gets to be a bit too much. as in extremely insensitive about how her « helping me » makes me feel. the subject of obsession tends to be something important, or some milestone, such as a performance, competition, or audition. in this case it’s two audition videos: one for a prestigious international competition (which could change my life if i got in), and the other video is an audition video for my dream school (and again, life changing if i get in).

These two videos are EXTREMELY important, and we wanted everything to be as perfect as possible, but the focus on perfectionism is where the problem lies. i’ve gotten better about not dragging myself down over every single detail, but my mom on the hand has not. she doesn’t obsess over my dancing (i do that enough already) but over details like lighting, camera angle, the line my leotard makes, my shoe color, my bun angle, the amount of makeup, the video quality, etc. she has a really good eye for those sort of things since she used to be an artist (and majored in fine art), and if she was the one filming my videos there would be no problem there.

But evidently there is a problem (which is why i’m writing this all out cause istg if i don’t i WILL lose it). Actually there’s two, one per video, though the second problem has nothing much to do with everything mentioned before.

The first issue is something that’s been haunting me for two weeks, and not in the good halloween haunting way. The video for the competition was filmed over the course of a few weeks by one of my teachers, and she and my mom have an *interesting* relationship. as in ive learned to brush off my mom cussing her out in car rides or at home (which happened today twice lol). My teacher wouldn’t allow my mom to be in the studio to help with lighting, camera angle, etc., saying that the studio wouldn’t allow more than two people in at a time (a lie, cause when we went with my contemporary teacher for one section of the video my mom was able to go in and film that portion). My teacher is a really well intention person by the way, but since my mom is so similar to how her mom was, being in her prescence triggers her which i think may be why she tried to make it so she wouldn’t have to interact with her as much.

So anyways my teacher and i worked on the audition video and we finally completed it, but the way she filmed it was not up to my moms standards. so we filmed it again. and right now it’s STILL not up to my mom’s standards, but at this point there’s literally nothing we can do. the deadline is in a few days and there’s no way we can refilm it then. in terms of my dancing, i feel pretty satisfied, though it’s not perfect, but i feel ok sending it in. but for thé past few weeks i’ve been constantly hearing how the video isn’t good enough, and how it doesn’t present me well enough, and if my mom could just have filmed the barre and centre i would look so much better. and that if i really want to catch the judges eyes then the video quality would need to be better. and i argue back at that point, saying my dancing should be enough to do that, and that i’m not auditoning for a film school but for a DANCE competition. and i know my mom has a point. we are drawn to things well presented, even if the content may not be the best. but after hearing that my video is not up to par for WEEKS it hurts a lot. and if i ask her to stop focusing so much on that because at this point all that is doing is making us feel unsatisfied with something unchangable, i’m ignored and she goes on saying i don’t understand her point. I’m also told that she’s saying all this because she cares so much and wants me to succeed. and that is all true, but i don’t CARE that she’s saying all this because she wants to help me with my goal. there are so many more productive things to do than fixating on unchangable shit, and there’s a voice inside telling me that if she really cared about me, the real actual me and not the dancer side of me, she would take a moment to understand how much certain things she says hurts. no matter the intentions behind, no matter that she always adds that my dancing wasn’t the problem and that it was all my teachers fault (which also pokes me in a different way), i ALWAYS leave that conversation with an extremely tight knot in my chest and a bunch of self doubt. sometimes when the convo evolves into an argument, my mom tells me that it’s cause she’s stressed about this and the video and because she cares so much, but i’ve reached the point where i don’t give a fuck. i’m stressed too, and i care a TON. i sacrificed so fucking much for this (not to say she hasn’t like good lord i worry so much about her sometimes) but being stressed and caring about something does not excuse harping on about something someone has EXPLICITLY told you to please stop going on a bout and try to let go of. multiple times. which is why i really want to scream sometimes, and why i decided to just let it out here. (it’s worked by the way. as of right now the knot inside has loosened and the negative energy about this problem has almost dissolved, which why i’m now moving on to the second issue)

ISSUE NO. 2- thé audition video for my dream school. now this is a different direction than the other video problem because this video hasn’t been filmed yet. so i should start out with saying that as a by product of doing ballet, i have body image issues. it got worse over the course of the past year because i put on a few pounds. and i know that honestly, i shouldn’t worry too much, but doing an art form where your body is constantly critiques in so many ways kinda has a way of making you always wish it was better. now my mom knows about how i feel about my body, and in the past she has completely invalidated my feelings if i try to talk about it (because in her eyes i’m perfect yaddayaddayadda and i’m just manifesting these insecurities out of nowhere cause i have nothing to be worried about). the thing is tho (and i’m pretty thankful for this) is that she will tell me if i’ve gained weight, and she will help me if i want to lose some and stuff. so it’s like she has this weird mix of telling me to not worry about my weight cause i’m perfectly fine, but also telling me that i need to watch what i eat more and that i need to lose a little weight. and i hate it so much. recently i just stopped weighing myself every morning cause i realized i was literally basing how i felt the whole day off the number on the scale. and honestly i’m so much happier now cause i stopped. everything is the same except that one thing, and i have no intention to start obsessively weighing myself again.

And that brings me to issue two. because we were talking about the video for the school, and my mom said “you need to start weighing yourself every morning again”. well i saw every single color of the rainbow when she said that, and i was enraged. because my instinct was to be angry in order to protect one of my biggest insecurities, my body. the implications that came from telling me i needed to start weighing myself more HURT, and thinking about it right now is making me almost cry. and her saying that also pissed me off SO MUCH. because my mom KNOWS how i feel about my body, about my weight, and my eating habits. i have explicitly stated MANY time that i would prefer if she would not make those little comments about those subjects, and i have let her know how much it hurts me. i don’t think she understood that though, despite the amount of times i’ve completely shut down or started crying. but that one comment is hanging over my head right now, acting as a smoke cloud twisting around my heart and making me have some rlly self deprecating thoughts. and so tomorrow morning if she asks me what my weight is i don’t know what i’ll do. i’m considering just saying something above what ik she wants it to be, no matter what i may actually be, but i’ve also considered just tossing the scale in the rubbish bin. actually won’t do that though cause i would get in a ton of trouble lol. but a problem is that as a result of her comment, i’ve also begun considering starving myself, of making myself throw up, and other unhealthy ways to lose weight because right now, i feel like my body is too fat filled, too squishy for ballet. which is bullshit but the negative voice is drowning the positive one out now.

ok i have gotten all the rant energy out now, and no longer feel like punching a wall, cry screaming, cussing out the next person i see, or any assortment of high negative energy release techniques that would hurt others or myself. if you read this far, props to you cause i sure as hell would not have been able to make it thru that 😂.

also i should add that my mom and i are SUPER close and she honestly a great person in every aspect except certain dance related stuff. i really really appreciate everything she has done for me, all her sacrifices and all the effort she has put in to make sure i am where i am now. it’s just sometimes i feel like she forgets that i’m a person with feelings about topics, not just a dancer. thank you for coming to my tedtalk 😌

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artificialqueens · 5 years

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Not Nineteen Forever (1)(Branjie/Scyvie)- Ortega

a/n: in all seriousness could whoever deleted this not just send me anon hate or something similar like a normal fucking person? this was wildly inconvenient to go through and re-italicise all over again xo

Trigger Warning: mentions of alcohol, drug use, and a graphic description of vomit. lovely.

Summary: Brooke, Yvie and Nina are three flatmates who forged a friendship in their first year of university and picked up some other waifs and strays along the way. Now in their final year, there are feelings that need to be unravelled and confessions to be made whilst navigating drunk nights, hungover mornings, takeaways, group chats, library meetups, cafe gossiping, and the small matter of getting a degree.

***

Brooke wished her friends were the type of girls who all got up early, went for a run and then grabbed a granola-and-pastries brunch in a cute, kitchy cafe somewhere before their tutorials.

Instead, she found herself woken at 11am with a pounding headache, nausea swirling through her stomach, and a piercing buzz from her flat’s intercom system ringing through the hallways. Groaning, she lay back and squeezed her eyes shut, hoping and praying that one of the other girls would answer. To her anguish, the noise came again.

“Fuck,” she sighed, the sheer action of rolling over in bed making her want to throw up as she grabbed her dressing gown, trudged to her door and then into the hallway the size of a shoebox to answer it.

“Hello?”

“Delivery,” came the crackly voice on the other end of the phone. Brooke frowned.

“We didn’t order a-”

“Yes we did,” a voice hissed, as the loud click of a fire door echoed through the hallway and a guilty-looking face with last night’s makeup smudged all over it peered round the door.

Brooke’s speech caught in her throat. Shaking her head, she spoke again. “Yeah, send it up.”

Rolling her eyes as her flatmate slunk out of her room, Brooke fixed her with a stare. “Yvie, I’m going to fucking drown you in your large Fanta, you know that, right?”

“Ugh, what a beautiful way to die,” the other girl drawled, her vocal fry even more pronounced than usual as her dry, cracked vocal cords suffered under the effects of way too much alcohol (and what could have been a hit of the bong when they got home- Brooke couldn’t remember). Yvie was draped in a hoodie that was two sizes too big for her but still didn’t cover the fact that she’d neglected to put on any pyjama pants and was about to answer the door to the UberEats driver in her underwear. Shaking her head, Brooke pushed open the door to the kitchen and was immediately hit with a backdraught of eldritch fumes- the combination of her wine, Yvie’s rum and Nina’s gin from last night’s predrinks knocked her for six and immediately had her running to the bathroom and wrenching the lid of the toilet bowl open. As she fell to the ground and immediately started spewing up inexplicably orange foam, she could hear the delivery driver arriving and Yvie taking her food. Trying to control the nausea, Brooke took a deep, shuddery, fragile breath in through her nose.

“That is grim,” came Yvie’s voice from the doorframe. “Are you suffering, boo?”

Brooke narrowed her eyes, but didn’t turn round from her position on the floor. “No, not at all! I’m fresh as a fucking daisy, bitch! Ready for round two! Get pouring the Sauvignon-”

Unfortunately, she cut herself off with another round of bile that shot itself out of her mouth. Brooke could tell Yvie was rolling her eyes and she hadn’t even turned around.

“I bought two twenty nug boxes, but I won’t eat them all. I’ll be on the sofa with them when you’re ready.”

Brooke gasped and shuddered, wiping her mouth, standing up shakily and finally flushing all the evidence of her rough night of drinking away. She tottered to the sink and looked at herself in the mirror, horrified by the mess of a reflection staring back at her. She’d managed to get herself into her pyjamas when she’d got home but had piled all of her hair on top of her head like a blonde birds’ nest and secured it haphazardly with a single hairtie, making it stick out from all different angles. She’d got most of her makeup off but a good amount of her eyeliner and shadow still remained, and the dark pink liquid lipstick she’d been wearing had left a ring of colour around the outside of her lips. She frowned as she lifted one arm and saw a set of three scratches, like fingernails, going from her elbow down to her wrist. Brooke had less than zero recollection of how they’d got there.

Reaching for her toothbrush, she squeezed entirely too much toothpaste onto the head, ran it under the tap, then scrubbed harshly at her teeth like she was scrubbing barnacles off a big rock. There weren’t many positives to a hangover, but the feeling of brushing her teeth the morning after a night out was like heaven to Brooke. It got rid of a multitude of sins and left her one step closer to feeling like an actual human again.

Finally ready for social interaction, she went back into their kitchen-slash-living room, the stench of the alcohol not making her want to completely die this time around. There, she found Yvie curled up on the green couch under the not-quite-clean, not-quite-dirty blanket that had been there when they’d moved in and hadn’t been washed since. She was watching something that she’d stuck on TV and was munching at a cheeseburger with a grim determination. Brooke threw herself down onto the battered old armchair beside her and peered into the cavernous McDonalds’ bag.

“Nugs?”

Yvie reached into another bag beside her and produced a rectangular box. “Nugs.”

As Brooke took the box from her and ripped it open, Yvie pulled a doe-eyed face and simpered. “Maybe nugs will be our always.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Brooke laughed through a mouthful of chicken nugget. She cast a glance to the wall behind them and frowned. “Is Nina alive?”

Yvie shrugged. “Doubt it.”

Panic rose up in Brooke’s body, which Yvie clearly sensed. “Bitch. She got home fine, don’t worry. She got an Uber with me and Scarlet. I’m literally amazed she was still standing. She was drinking gin here, then had some of Akeria’s wine when we got to theirs and then she was drinking God knows what else in the club. Beer, vodka, I’m sure I saw her with tequila at some point. Always the quiet ones.”

“Nina, quiet?” Brooke laughed, Yvie joining in loudly. Brooke cast her flatmate a sideways glance. “So you and Scarlet took Nina back?”

Yvie kept her eyes trained firmly on the TV screen. “Yeah, well we ordered the Uber to here and dropped Scarlet off on the way. Just to make sure she got home safe.”

Brooke nodded noncommittally and watched with interest as Yvie continued to look at the screen, then lifted her phone from the arm of the sofa and checked the group chat. Brooke decided to say nothing. “What are we watching?”

“Coronation Street,” Yvie deadpanned, Brooke groaning as the other girl howled another laugh.

“Turn it off, Yvie, I’m serious. My brain can’t take much more. Why are you literally fuckin’ 40 years old?”

As Yvie continued to laugh, Brooke’s phone pinged loudly.

Kim Kardashian-West: Is anyone alive????????????????

Brooke snorted. Yvie was typing quickly, her long nails tapping against the screen.

Dave the Laugh: we’re next door come thru

Mere seconds later, there was a noise from out in the hallway, the bang of a fire door, and then the shuffling appearance of a hungover flatmate wrapped in her duvet and looking entirely too much like the Caterpillar from A Bug’s Life.

“Helloo,” Nina said quietly, in a voice that was eerily similar to Robin Williams as Mrs Doubtfire.

“When did you wake up? I had to answer the door for Yvie’s fucking McDonalds order,” Brooke frowned affectionately, then handed the box of nuggets to her other flatmate who had sank down on the sofa beside Yvie and had stretched her legs out over her lap.

“Nah, I woke up then too. I was just hoping someone else would get the door before me,” she shrugged, one hand reaching for a chicken nugget and the other hand pushing back her huge mane of wild blonde hair, her dark roots sticking up and suffering from serious bedhead.

Yvie pouted. “Ninaaa, you’re meant to be the responsible one.”

Nina snorted, sat up straight, folded her arms, and did her best Hell’s Kitchen contestant impersonation that Brooke and Yvie always loved. “Yeah, but I’m not no bitch!”

As the girls laughed, Brooke had to wonder how they got there- three friends, once all nervous, eager, bright-eyed first years now fully evolved into hardened, exhausted third years (or, as Yvie sometimes described them, war vets). Nothing much had changed in that time, she supposed. They still all lived together, except now they had moved into a flat instead of the student halls they’d all lived in back in first year- Brooke in the room opposite Nina, and Yvie in the block beside theirs. Miraculously, none of them had dropped out of their degrees and they were still all studying the same things. Nina had been glad of a night out as a break from her relentless teaching placement in a nearby primary school, Yvie was keen to celebrate a good mark on her criminology hand-in that she’d had back, and Brooke was just happy for a night out with her friends as her portfolio wasn’t due for another month. She was still in denial about how little time that actually was to get three prototypes ready, so she’d been glad of a break. Torn out of her own thoughts, Brooke’s phone went off again.

large incongruous silkworm spiced praline: BITCH WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED LAST NIGHT

large incongruous silkworm spiced praline: I GOT A BOY FROM THE RUGBY TEAM IN MY BED HE WON’T LEAVE

“Of course you do,” came Yvie’s unimpressed voice from the sofa. Brooke raised an eyebrow as Nina frowned and thumped Yvie with a couch cushion. The other girl flinched in surprise. “Ow! Bitch!”

“Play nice,” Nina scowled at her, judging.

“Do you use that as a behaviour management technique?” Brooke quipped dryly. Nina scrunched up her face and waved a hand dismissively.

“No. It’s Year 6 I teach, remember? I just hack their bodies to bits with a chainsaw I keep in the desk drawer,” she said sarcastically, Yvie barking out a laugh. Nina continued. “The class teacher’s very supportive.”

Plastique Bague: He is definitely not in the rugby team

Plastique Bague: He definitely said that so you would sleep with him

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: I MEAN

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: she was gonna sleep with him either way let’s not lie!!!!!

Brooke’s heart gave a small leap. Okay. Vanessa was up. She was on the chat. This was fine. Was it fine? Had Brooke said some horrendous, embarrassing thing to her last night that she shouldn’t have and she just couldn’t remember? No- it was fine. If she had, Nina or Yvie would have told her. Except, of course, if they couldn’t remember. Looking at the two girls deeply engrossed in the world of social media, she decided to find out. Tactfully of course.

“So…” Brooke began, Yvie’s head snapping up with intrigue. “Anyone do anything embarrassing last night?”

“That rugby player?” she said innocently, howling in pain as Nina’s ankle jolted up and kicked her thigh. “Ow, Jesus, Nina!”

“Aw, come on, give her that, Nina. Silky’s always doing cringey shit on a night out,” Brooke pouted sympathetically. She did love her friend, but the memory of Silky breaking her middle toe while trying to do a death drop in the middle of Levels still haunted her.

“I don’t think so. Everyone was pretty tame. At least, I think it was tame. I’m going to be blatantly honest- I can’t remember,” Nina continued, shrugging lightly.

“I think Vanjie went home with somebody,” Yvie said nonchalantly, her thumb flicking at her screen.

Brooke’s heart froze over in the space of a second. “Really?”

“No, I’m fucking with you,” Yvie chuckled an evil laugh, causing Brooke to break out in a scarlet blush and deflate with relief like a very red balloon.

Nina burst out laughing. “Okay, I’m sorry. That was mean. But it was funny. Funny sometimes outweighs mean.”

“I’m not speaking to either of you for the rest of my life,” Brooke sighed, wishing she could stop blushing.

“Bitch, you’d barely last a minute,” Yvie laughed, pouting as she looked at Brooke’s face. “Aww, don’t be embarrassed! It’s cute!”

“No, it’s idiotic. I’m behaving like a fucking teenager, it’s ridiculous.”

“Do you think you’ll tell her before we graduate?” Nina asked, batting her eyes. Brooke rolled hers.

“Of course I will! I’m just…I need to just know that she likes me back first.”

Brooke didn’t miss the look that passed between her other two flatmates. She didn’t know what it meant, and was too hungover to try to find out.

It wasn’t some dumb teenage crush, Brooke knew that, although at times she did sit in lectures and want to draw hearts and initials and Mrs Vanessa Hytes and Mrs Brooke Lynn Mateo all over her notebook. So what if the only thing stopping her from doing it was Plastique sitting beside her? They were adults, after all- although, being 21, Brooke hadn’t very much experience at the whole adulting thing- and Brooke would tell Vanessa everything eventually. It didn’t matter that she’d waited two years and three-and-a-bit months to do so. Brooke had had lots of practice of confessing her feelings to Vanessa because she did it most nights, just before she went to sleep. Every scenario was different- sometimes they were outside in the smoking area on a night out, sometimes she was round at Vanessa’s flat under a blanket and watching a film, sometimes they were drinking cider together in the park on a sunny evening. But every time, Brooke said the same thing- Vanessa, I need to just get this out there, and I’m sorry if it makes things weird but I (pause) just (pause)…really fucking like you. And I know we’re friends and I don’t want to fuck anything up, but I still remember that time after Akeria’s 19th when we walked home together in the dark and we got chips and you threw them over those guys that yelled at us from across the street and took my hand all protective and I’ve just been in my feelings about you since then, and I know that if I didn’t say it today I would never get the chance. So…yeah. That’s it. Sorry. If it ruins anything. Then Vanessa would reply back. Sometimes she’d launch into a big memory of exactly when she fell for Brooke. Sometimes there was no talking, just Vanessa’s hands on either side of her face and a fierce kiss that Brooke had imagined so much she’d almost dreamt it into reality. Sometimes, on some of Brooke’s not so great evenings, Vanessa would just wrinkle her nose up, furrow her brows, and just look at her, disgust seeping out of every pore and scaring Brooke so much she wouldn’t imagine the whole situation again for a couple of days. But she’d always come back to it, of course. Especially on days where Vanessa had given her a lot to work with- predrinks where she’d been extra giggly and flirty and touchy, dinners where she’d sat just the tiniest bit too close, huge sleepy pileups on Nina’s bed where she’s thrown herself over Brooke’s tummy and rested her head against her chest before gradually falling into a nap.

“Brooke! Would you put your damn phone on silent like a fucking normal person!”

Brooke jumped, Yvie’s frowning eyes trained on her and making her look at her phone, each new notification from the chat coming relentlessly. It had been moving at quite the pace since Brooke last checked it, and she had 21 unread messages.

large incongruous silkworm spiced praline: VANJIE IM GONNA KILL U

Plastique Bague: AHAHAHAH VANJIE

Dave the Laugh: shut up Vanjie omg ahahaha

Kim Kardashian-West: Hahahahahahahahaha!!!

large incongruous silkworm spiced praline: IF I DON’T KILL THIS SIX FOOT TALL BIGFOOT ASS SPICEBOY FIRST

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: lmfao Vanjie

large incongruous silkworm spiced praline: MOOOOOOOOOOOOVE ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!

Kim Kardashian-West: Is he awake?

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: think the bitch fucked him to death

large incongruous silkworm spiced praline: ILL FUCK U TO DEATH!!!!!!

Plastique Bague: You guys are killing me ahahahaa stop

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: we’re out of teabags

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: kill me dead

Plastique Bague: Rip in peace

Dave the Laugh: I got Mcdonaldssssss

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: shut the absolute fuck up

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: i’m coming over

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: hey is BrookeLynn awake???????????

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: I’m coming over to eat ya fries

Kim Kardashian-West: nah she died

Kim Kardashian-West: death by £4.99 tesco white zinfandel

“Let’s have the girls over,” Brooke said suddenly, her heart rising as she read the chat. Nina smiled.

“I’d be down!”

Yvie rolled her eyes. “Ugh, guys, we already have so much shit to clean up from last night, the living room smells like shit, and Brooke’s probably blocked the toilet from her radioactive fucking puke.”

Brooke pouted, already typing on the chat.

Cananana Canadada hey hey hey bingo: sorry guys, mum says no :(

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: BROOKLYNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!

(Vanessa used no less than sixteen sparkly heart emojis to accompany the message- Brooke counted.)

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: Nina wtf u bitch

Nina audibly gasped. “Why is it that everyone thinks I’m the Mum of this friendship group?!”

“Because you are the Mum. You do Mum things. Like getting us to drink water in between drinks in the club,” Yvie said, shrugging.

Kim Kardashian-West: EXCUSE ME, THAT WAS YVIE!!!

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: YVIE SUCK A CAN OF DICKS

Plastique Bague: why is everyone shouting

Dave the Laugh: a can that’s inventive

Plastique Bague: i don’t like it when mum and dad fight

used Tampon: Guys!!!!! I just woke up! So many messages wtf!! Anyway are we all going round to Yvie’s or something???

Brooke choked a laugh. Slowly, she turned to look at her flatmate, who appeared to be pressing her lips together to stifle a smile and had gone a rather fetching shade of pink. Brooke looked at Nina, who snorted and immediately read her mind.

Kim Kardashian-West: sorry Scarlet, we’re not allowed to host :(

Cananana Canadada hey hey hey bingo: yeah Yvie says no :(

Kim Kardashian-West: too much mess from last night :((((((

large incongruous silkworm spiced praline: HE’S FINALLY GONE THANK JESUS CARTWHEELING CHRIST

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: NOBODY CARES

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: BrookeLynn just have a revolution!!! it’s ur flat too!!!

Kim Kardashian-West: and me, who also lives here

“The fuck does she mean, it’s your flat too? Like I’m a fucking dictator? What the fuck is that?” Yvie snarled, typing angrily into the phone.

“Down, girl,” Nina joked, hitting her with her heel again.

Yvie slapped her calf in annoyance. “Bitch, you have the boniest foot ever!”

“It’s from all that extra cankle.”

“Guys, are we hosting or not?” Brooke yawned, bored. “We better decide soon because I think some people might be making other plans.”

Frowning, Yvie checked her phone and jumped, typing frantically when she saw the message that was there.

used Tampon: Aww, that sucks :( I guess I’ll drag my hungover self into the lib then

Dave the Laugh: FINE

Dave the Laugh: ur all the fucking worst and u better be here in at least half an hour or all the food will be gone

large incongruous silkworm spiced praline: GOD IS GOOD

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: WE LOV U YVIE!!!!!!!1

used Tampon: Yay!!!!! Love u Yvie xxxxxxxxx

Brooke stifled a laugh as she saw Yvie’s face break out in a small smile. Not willing to waste any more time, however, she decided she needed to get ready if Vanessa was going to be coming to the flat. She stood up, greatly misjudged how hungover she still was, then immediately sat back down again.

Twenty minutes later Brooke had showered, dressed, and even mustered the strength to put a small amount of makeup on. Her hair was still up in its nest and, tugging out the band that was holding it up, she ran her fingers through it and shook it out as she tried to tame it in some way. She growled as she couldn’t get her parting right, then frustratedly decided to leave it. Checking the clock, she strode through to the kitchen and opened the window up wide before she sank back down into her armchair. Yvie, who hadn’t moved, raised an eyebrow.

“Nice leggings,” she said, something coating her words that Brooke couldn’t quite decipher. She snapped her neck round to face her.

“What?”

Yvie snorted a little. “Nothing! I’m saying nothing.”

A pause.

“Were your hotpants in the wash?”

“Oh, fuck off,” Brooke laughed, grabbing the cushion off the back of the armchair and covering her face. Yvie’s evil laugh was back.

“Brooke, you do realise that Vanjie really fuckin’ likes you, right?” Yvie leaned forward, her voice loud and brash and not really making it much of a secret. Brooke blew a bit of hair out of her face.

“No, I didn’t realise! That’s only, what, the 36th time you’ve told me that?”

Yvie gave a long-suffering sigh. “I only keep saying it ‘cuz it’s true.”

Brooke pulled the collar of her cropped jumper over her mouth and sighed, hot air creeping over the skin underneath. “Just let me wear my running leggings that show my bum and my legs and will hopefully make the girl I’ve liked since first year fall in love with me in peace, okay?”

Just then, the buzzer went off loudly through the flat, Nina running from her room to get it and anticipation fluttering in the pit of Brooke’s stomach. Nina shouted through to the living room.

“It’s Scarlet!”

Brooke watched Yvie carefully as she lifted her phone and checked her reflection in the blank screen. It only took two minutes for Scarlet to arrive, panting and out of breath from climbing all the stairs to their top floor.

“Yvie!!” she exclaimed happily, falling forward to where Yvie sat and enveloping her in a huge hug. Scarlet was weighed down from her huge yellow raincoat, mittens and hat but Yvie didn’t seem to mind, pulling her onto the seat beside her and not yet letting go of her waist. Brooke watched the whole display, amused. She didn’t not like Scarlet, it’s just the whole reason she was in their friendship group was all because of Yvie, so she hadn’t really had a chance to connect or bond with the girl on her own yet. From what she did know of her, she found her ever so slightly grating- her constant picking and preening at her appearance, her dorky attitude, the way she typed- but Brooke didn’t dislike her. Besides, any friend of Yvie’s was a friend of hers and Yvie had met her last year when she’d gone to a pole dancing class for a grand total of three times before she rolled her ankle. She’d met Scarlet there, who was trying the class out but realised if she couldn’t dance full stop then dancing whilst on a pole would be a little trickier, so they had both stopped at the same time but had never stopped bumping into each other around campus and had gradually become friends. Brooke knew that to Yvie, Scarlet was a little more than just a friend- in fact she’d liken it to her friendship with Vanjie- but she had a desire to keep all her limbs functioning and firmly attached to her body, so she’d never brought it up with her. Watching them now, however, she supposed she didn’t really need to- Scarlet had rested her head on Yvie’s shoulder and her brown curls cascaded down the other girl’s chest as she talked about her plans for the day and laced their fingers together. Nina came to join them in the living room, the three girls laughing uproariously about something that had happened the night before which Brooke couldn’t remember being there for, so she stayed quiet. As the others spoke, Brooke heard the buzzer go off again, and she was up like a shot to get it. She, in the nicest way possible, prayed it wouldn’t be Plastique.

Her heart soared when she picked up the phone and heard the immediate loud voices of Silky and Vanjie bickering.

“I SAID FLAT 3F1, BITCH, YOU PRESSED EVERY DAMN BUZZER ON THE DOOR!”

“YOU KNOW I AIN’T GOOD WITH NUMBERS!”

“…WHAT IS THERE TO GET, HOE? IT’S A THREE, AN F AND A ONE! A WHEEL OF CHEESE COULD FIGURE THAT OUT!”

“Um. Guys?” Brooke spoke up, hoping that none of her neighbours were listening to the debacle. “It’s Brooke?”

There was a beat of silence and a crackle of laughter on the other end of the phone. Akeria’s voice followed. “Thanks, boo. Buzz us in.”

Obeying, Brooke pressed a nail to the buzzer and stood waiting at the door, her heartbeat growing faster as she heard the soft, displeased muttering coming from the three girls drift its way up the stairs. Akeria came into view first, flipping her long, straight blonde hair over her shoulders as she strutted up the stairs in her heeled boots. She could easily have been on her way to another night out, having complete disregard for any form of jeans, leggings or pant-like clothing and wore skirts or dresses at every opportunity. Today she wore a long t-shirt dress with a belt around the waist and a huge, fluffy pink fur coat to compliment the cold weather. She arrived at the doorframe and gave Brooke a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“How you doin’ girl, you feelin’ it?” she pouted sympathetically, Brooke only nodding in response. Akeria squeezed her arm. “That’s too bad. I don’t mean to be rude but I’m gonna die if I don’t eat chicken nuggets in the next five minutes so I’m gonna just head on through.”

Brooke nodded understandingly but hardly had time to look back into the stairwell when she was crushed in a huge bear hug by Silky, in jeans and a loose leopard print top which was a far cry from her glittering, bodycon dress she’d had on the night before. She barely had time to say hi to her when she was ambushed by the girl she’d been waiting for to arrive- Vanjie, all tiny and soft in her pink Ellesse tracksuit that Brooke knew she reserved for lazy, hungover mornings, her dark, wavy hair swept up in a neat bun.

“Brooky!” she squealed happily, kissing her mid-hug and instantly sending Brooke to cloud nine. She moved to pull away almost as quickly as she’d initiated it, and the moment was gone way too quickly. Pushing down her brief disappointment, Brooke smiled at the girls.

“How are we today, ladies?” she asked, laughing as Silky rolled her eyes.

“SO,” she started, Vanessa raising her eyebrows at Brooke longsufferingly. “Not only do I have to kick some foetus-ass, rugby impostor out of bed first thing after I wake up…I also don’t get a single moment to relax because Miss Vanjie’s runnin’ through to my room, yelling and screaming we gotta go round to Brooke’s bitch, we gotta go round to Brooke’s, c'mon let’s go! like a fuckin’ CHILD for ten straight MINUTES!”

Brooke burst out laughing, wondering if she was imagining the blush that hit Vanjie’s cheeks and the slight push she gave her flatmate.

“It wasn’t ten minutes, Jesus, I was just excited for hungover fun with my girlfriends,” she muttered, rubbing at her forehead and slightly smudging last night’s makeup that was still firmly on her face. It didn’t matter though. She was still utterly fucking beautiful to Brooke.

Catching herself before she kept the dopey smile on her face any longer, Brooke shrugged. “Well, I’m glad you made it if only so you could stop Yvie descending into complete obesity with her forty nuggets.”

“Hm. Too late for some of us, bitch,” Silky deadpanned, causing Vanessa to double over laughing. They wandered through to the living room together, where Akeria had squashed herself beside Yvie and Scarlet on the sofa and Nina was busying herself washing glasses and chatting to them. Foregoing niceties, Silky ran and threw herself into the armchair, causing Vanjie to raise an unimpressed eyebrow at her and sit on the floor, her back against the arm of the sofa. Thinking, Brooke gestured to Yvie for a pillow and the other girl obliged. Brooke propped the pillow up against the sofa then sat down and rested her back on it, leaving enough room for Vanessa. The girl gave her a grateful smile as she relaxed against it, at once too close and not close enough. Brooke smiled back at her, feeling her recline against her side and sighing happily.

Silky was busy engaging all the girls in a conversation about all the gory details from her faux-rugby-player encounter, so Brooke looked at Vanjie and nudged her a little. “You have fun last night?”

Vanjie snorted. “Bitch. I always have fun when I’m out, ain’t no need to worry about that. Helps when you come out with us, though.”

Brooke hoped she was covering up her blushing with her smile, playing it off by shrugging. “Aww, you’re cute. No, well I’m just always so busy with portfolio shit. Nobody believes me when I say the design department work you hard.”

“I always believe you!” Vanjie exclaimed, affronted. Brooke couldn’t help but laugh.

“You once believed Akeria when she said pineapple was a vegetable, there’s no hope for you,” she teased, laughing as Vanjie pouted beside her. Christ, she was fucking adorable.

“You’re lucky you gave me so many compliments last night so I can’t be mad at you,” she said in passing, Brooke’s heart immediately standing still.

What the fuck did I say?

“Really? I don’t remember this. This doesn’t sound like me, I would never give you a compliment.”

Vanessa laughed and leaned in closer to her side, giggling. “Shut up, boo, you say nice things to me all the time! Think you were especially attached last night though. Kept talking about how cute I looked.”

This was bad. This was horrifically bad. Brooke momentarily looked up to Nina for help, but she was sitting on the arm of Silky’s chair, too engrossed in her story. Brooke gave a cough that was meant to be a laugh, and stumbled over her words. “When was I…when did I say all this?”

Vanessa was back to being nonchalant and was looking at the TV, still aggravatingly playing soap operas. “Aw, you know. When we were queuing at the bar, when we were out smoking, when we went to go pee. Quite a few times.”

Brooke gave a fake laugh which she hoped hid the absolute terror pulsing through her veins. Vanjie joined in, then poked her. “Part of me was like, does this bitch wanna make out with me or something? That would’ve been funny as shit. Can you imagine, Brooke Lynn?! Oh my God.”

Brooke at once felt her laugh come way too loud and too harsh and too fake. Mercifully, thankfully, she was distracted by a cry from Yvie.

“Oh my GOD! We’re out of food.”

Nina shrugged, fingers already at her phone. “Plastique’s still to come, I could get her to stop by Greggs on the way?”

There was an ethereal moan of delight from each girl in the room, leading to a big bubble of laughter immediately after and calls for Nina to be anointed. Brooke smiled affectionately as Vanjie threaded her arm through Brooke’s own, cuddling in further to her side.

She hadn’t told her last night. She would soon.

#rpdr fanfiction #branjie #scyvie #brooke lynn hytes #vanessa vanjie mateo #yvie oddly #scarlet envy #lesbian au #university au #college au #nina west #akeria davenport #silky nutmeg ganache #plastique tiara #not nineteen forever #ortega #n19f #s11

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jiminthestreets-bonesinthesheets · 5 years

Text

The Nual’ Family Onion

Title: The Nual’ Family Onion

Fandom: Supernatural

Pairing: Destiel

Rating: Lemon

Warnings: minor character death

Summary:

Dean had lived in Lawrence, Kansas his entire life. Born and raised. In his twenty-six years in the beautiful city, he lived a wonderful life surrounded by the amazing people who lived there, many of them becoming family over the years. After high school, he started working for his uncle Bobby at his mechanics shop and fell into a comfortable routine. He still lived at home with his parents, John and Mary Winchester, and for the foreseeable future, Dean had no intentions of changing that. Until he saw him.

AO3

Masterlist

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Chapter 1

A slight change in Dean’s daily routine of get up, go to work, lunch at the food truck down the road, and go home, had him coming face to face with someone he had never seen around town before. When lunch time came around noon for Dean, his day was suddenly sent flying off the hinges when the regular food truck that usually parked itself down the street from his uncle’s shop, wasn’t there. Which meant that he had to get in his car and actually drive into town for something to eat.

After looking around and driving past several drive-thru restaurants, he decided to pull into the local park. He remembered as a kid his mom would take him to this park everyday after school for ice cream, and on weekends she would treat him to his favourite, a pulled pork poutine and cherry pie on the side. He hadn't had food from here in years and thought today would be a good day to revisit that incredible poutine. And it turned out to be a better day then he had ever anticipated.

Dean got out of his car and walked over to the small building in the centre of the park and got in line. He only waited for a few minutes before it was his turn to order and he was called up to the counter. “Hi, can I have a large pulled pork poutine, cherry pie on the side, and a bottle of coke to go, please.”

“Sure thing, honey.” Dean smiled at her as he handed her a twenty and told her to keep the change, and he was sure that she was the same lady who had worked the counter even when he was young.

Once he was settled, he stepped off to the side to wait for his food and pulled out his phone. A few people after him had ordered, but there was a certain voice that pulled him out of his thoughts, a gravelly, deep voice he had never heard before that sent a shiver through his whole body.

“Hi, can I get a bacon cheeseburger with fries, and a large black coffee.”

At the sound of the strangers voice, Dean looked up and was met with a handsome man. Dark ruffled hair, sharp features, blue eyes. And before Dean could even so much as stop himself, his mouth spoke before his brain could interject.

“If you like burgers, you should try the Roadhouse.”

“I’m sorry?” The man turned to face Dean, and his eyes seemed even bluer at this angle.

Dean stepped closer to the man, his brain still not able to catch up and stop him, “The Roadhouse. It's an old bar that’s owned and run by a family friend of mine, and the owner makes the best damn burgers I've ever had. Don't get me wrong, food here’s good, but Ellen takes the cake for sure.”

“Oh,” the man nodded, “perhaps I shall have to try it someday.”

The man nodded once more in thanks, then turned away from Dean to face the counter again.

“My names, Dean,” he stepped forwards again to stand beside the man this time, “Dean Winchester.”

The man eyed him for a moment before taking Dean’s outstretched hand, “Castiel Novak.”

“If you want, I could take you to the Roadhouse sometime.”

The man’s eyes, and Dean’s for that matter, both went wide at his words as the man stuttered, “Did… did you just ask me out?”

“I…” Dean shifted his eyes around nervously, did he really just go for it, just like that?! “I think I did, yes.”

“Well, thank-you but no.”

Dean was taken aback by the sudden and outright rejection. He knew he couldn't really expect much especially since he seemed, at the moment, to be having some sort of outer body experience and suddenly had no control over his words, and he literally just met the guy, but it did still sting a little.

“Castiel! Bacon cheeseburger, fries, and a large coffee!”

Castiel stepped away from dean and took his bag and coffee from the counter, then turned back towards the door. Dean stepped in front of him, intent on demanding a reason for the harsh let down, but was only able to get out a measly, “why… why…”

Castiel fixed him with a stare that had Dean suddenly frozen in place, “I do not have time to date right now and I have a lot of responsibilities that require all of my attention. So, thank-you, but no thank-you. Have a nice day, Dean.” And with that Castiel moved past Dean and left the building.

He stared after him for a moment, a voice behind him shouting, “Dean, your orders ready,” only vaguely in the back of his mind. Before the voice was shouting even louder, pulling him from his trance, “Dean, sweetie, your orders ready!”

Now finally seeming to have his brain and body on the same page again, he grabbed the bag of food and quickly ran out the door after Castiel. And with a quick look around the park and parking lot, realized he was gone.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Castiel arrived home later that afternoon. Work was as boring as it always was, being the accountant for his father's construction business was not always the excitement he had hoped for in a job, but it was a good job nonetheless. And working for family had its perks.

“Cassie, is that you?” a voice called from within the house as he placed his coat in the closet and shucked his shoes.

“Yes.”

“We’re in the kitchen, come join us,” a slightly accented voice called this time, “Gabriel is making tarts!”

He shuffled his way down the hall and found two of his brothers in the kitchen, one making tarts and the other sitting at the counter eating them equally as fast. He took a seat at the barstool and grabbed one for himself.

“These are delicious, Gabriel.”

“Why, thank-you, baby brother,” he beamed as he started rolling the dough for more tarts, “though I wish someone would think of the others that live in this house and stop eating them all before anyone else has a chance.”

Castiel looked to Balthazar who was shoving yet another tart in his face as he mumbled around a mouthful, “I can't help it, they are so good!”

Gabriel just shook his head, knowing there was no arguing or stopping him, then turned his attention back to Castiel, “So, how was your day, little brother?”

“It was a normal day,” he shrugged around a bite of his second tart, “but I did get asked out today at the park while I was getting lunch.”

“What?!” Gabriel's eyes were so wide they looked like they might explode, and Balthazar actually choked on his tart. “Cassie, that’s great! Did you say yes?! Tell me you said yes!”

“First things first,” Balthazar placed a hand on Castiel’s knee once he finally stopped coughing and seriously asked, “was he handsome?”

“Yes.”

“So, you said yes then, right?” Gabriel leaned over the counter expectantly.

“I said no.”

“Why?!” both brothers asked in unison.

Castiel looked at them and sighed, “I have far too much responsibility right now to even think about the possibility of dating someone.”

Balthazar sighed beside him, “Castiel, you can't keep using this as an excuse to avoid having a life. It's been three years now, you are entitled to go out and have fun, you don’t have to push yourself aside.”

“And were here too, Cassie,” Gabriel motioned between himself and Balthazar, “and Dad, and Gadreel. You know we are always willing to help so that you can date someone, you deserve it.”

Castiel shook his head, “No. I cannot ask you to take on the responsibility that I agreed to, just so I can go on a date.”

“But what if it's not just one date?” Balthazar shook the knee where his hand still remained, “What if this guy ends up being the man you fall in love with, your happily ever after, your knight in shining armour who will ride you off into the sunset on his noble steed?”

“That, I definitely do not have time for.” Both brothers looked as though they were about to protest the idea again when Castiel grabbed another tart and stood from his chair, “I appreciate your concern for my dating life, but I am perfectly fine with the way my life is right now.”

And with that he left the two brothers to exchange frustrated looks.

~~~~~~~~~~~

It had been a few nights since Dean had met Castiel in the shop at the park, and despite the fact that the food truck had returned to its original spot, Dean continued to go out of his way to get his lunch at the park. He had not seen Castiel since.

He had planned on trying again, or at least getting a better answer out of Castiel as to why he had turned him down, but it had so far been a disappointing week. So, his friend had decided that he needed a good old night of drinking, pool, and poker to get his mind off of the handsome man in the trench coat.

It was a good idea, and one that usually worked when Dean was feeling a little down or deflated, but it wasnt so much working tonight. He had played a few games of pool with some buddies from his uncle’s shop, and took the pot for the first round of poker. But had since then decided to bow out and was now sitting on the couch alone, staring aimlessly into his beer bottle.

A body then sat beside him, arm wrapped around his shoulder bringing his attention back to the present, “You okay there, buddy?”

“Im fine, Ash,” he lied, though he already knew ash could see right through it, “I just don't know why he rejected me so fast.”

“Dean, you asked the guy on a date after he only knew you for a matter of two minutes,” Dean nodded, “maybe if he knew you it would have been a different outcome.”

“Probably,” he agreed, “but I can't even find him to put the offer out there. It doesn't even have to be a date, but the chance to at least get to know each other, I just want him to talk to me. But since the other day hes promptly vanished from the face of the earth.”

“I’m sure you’ll bump into each other again, buddy, just give it time.”

“I hope so,” he said as he swirled the last remains of his beer then decided to place it on the table, “but I should go.”

Ash watched as he stood and made his way for the door, confused, “It's only eight.”

“Yeah,” he nodded, “but let’s be honest, I’m just bringing the mood down and I don't wanna ruin your night. You guys have fun and thanks for the beer.”

“I wish you’d stay,” Dean just gave him a look that asked him not to argue, and Ash put his hands up in defeat, “but if you’re sure, then I’ll walk you out, good buddy.”

After saying a quick good night to the rest of the guys, Dean grabbed his shoes and headed out the door with ash at his side. They stood beside the impala for a moment, chatting about the new food items Ash’s mom was planning on adding to the menu at the Roadhouse, when a noise to Dean’s left had him turning his head.

A figure in the dark was walking slowly down the driveway, pulling the garbage bin behind them, and when the figure walked out into the light of the street lamp Dean nearly had a heart attack.

“No way.”

“What?” Ash asked, trying to see exactly what dean was looking at, but seeing nothing exciting.

“That’s him, that’s Castiel.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday, Castiel always hated monday. It was the worst day of the week. He usually worked from home and took the weekends off, but his dad’s construction company definitely did not have weekends off, in fact they did most of their work on the weekends. Which meant come monday, Castiel had a pile of work orders and other paperwork littering his desk and so monday’s were the only day he actually went into the office if he could help it. The only upside about having extra work during the day was that it always made his monday’s go by exceptionally fast, and before he knew it he was heading home.

When he walked in the door, his brothers were in the same place they always were, with Gabriel baking some kind of sweet thing in the kitchen, while Balthazar hovered and ate them as fast as he could make them. Their other brother, Gadreel, who worked on their father’s construction crew, always got home later in the day and so Gabriel would have to hide a separate container for him, or else Balthazar would leave none for anyone else.

And as he usually would around this time on a monday, Castiel placed himself at the counter with his brothers, beside Balthazar and across from the still baking Gabriel, and indulged himself in today’s treat. Sugar cookies.

He grabbed one with the most icing he could find, and shoved nearly the entire thing in his mouth and asked between bites, “Was everything alright here today?”

“It always is, Cassie, you honestly worry too much.”

“Balthazar is right,” Gabriel added as he rolled more dough, covered in flour from head to toe, “everything is always fine, every monday. And you know, you could probably go back to working at the office full time if you wanted to. I’m here all day, my bake shop doesn't need me most days, and Balthazar doesn't open his club until midnight. So between the two of us-”

“Gabriel,” Castiel raised a hand to stop him, “I appreciate that but I won't put that on you and Balthazar.”

“You’re not putting anything on us, Cassie,” Balthazar reasoned, “we are offering to help because we are family, it's what we do.”

“And I know that dad always loves having you in the office to help out, and working from home for all but one day of the week isn’t good for you. You need to start getting out and actually having a life. You’re not the only one in the world in your current position and I-”

Before Gabriel could finish the doorbell rang, all three boys snapping theirs heads in the direction of the door, and with a sigh Balthazar stood from his seat.

“I’ll get it,” he said, then tossed over his shoulder, “and don't you dare think this conversation is over, Cassie.”

By the time Balthazar had reached the door, the person on the other side had already rang the bell a second time, and before he answered the door he muttered to himself, “Someone’s impatient,” and when he opened it he was met with… flowers?

“Um… can I help you?” he asked, unsure of exactly who he was talking to behind the bouquet of lilies.

“Yes, sorry,” the man behind them chuckled nervously as he lowered them, “I’m looking for Castiel, is he home?”

Balthazar took in the handsome man before him, looking him once over, before a cheshire grin covered his face and he turned to yell back into the house, “Cassie! There’s a gorgeous man here to see you!”

Castiel got up from his seat, brows furrowed, with Gabriel tight on his heels. When he opened the door wider and walked past Balthazar he stopped so fast at the sight he nearly fell over.

“Hiya, Cas!”

“You…” Castiel didn't even know what to say.

“Look, I just wanted to talk to you, I-”

“How did you find my house?”

Dean smiled awkwardly and rubbed at the back of his neck, “I… I know this might seem a bit creepy, but my friend Ash lives across the street from you. I was there the other night with some friends from work and I saw you taking out the garbage when I was leaving.”

“This,” Castiel began and shook his head slightly, “this is very odd, Dean.”

“This is Dean?!” Both Gabriel and Balthazar tried to burst past him to get a better look at dean, but Cas held them back as he stared dean down.

“I just wanted to talk to you,” Dean pleaded, “I saw you at the park when we ordered food and I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since. And I know I may have jumped the gun by asking you on a date, but I just want to get to know you. So what do you say?”

“No,” and before he could say anything more he closed the door.

Both Balthazar and Gabriel stood there, jaws on the ground as Castiel just calmly walked back to his seat at the counter and took another cookie. When they were able to gather themselves, they rushed into the kitchen and instantly bombarded Cas.

“Why did you turn that gorgeous hunk of a man down?!”

“And he seemed so sweet,” Gabriel pulled the tray of cookies away as Cas went for another, trying to ignore them, “he doesn't even want to go on a date, he just wants you to talk to him.”

Cas gave them a steely glare, “I already told you, I don't have time to date or get to know someone.”

“Cassie,” Gabriel sighed, pinching his nose, “this is what we were talking about. You need to have a life, you need to go out and meet people, go on dates, even just make friends!”

Cas reached over and grabbed another cookie while Gabriel wasn’t looking and stood from his seat, “I have too much responsibility right now, and besides, once Dean found out the truth he wouldn’t want to date me anyways.”

And with that he left Gabriel and Balthazar to stand frustrated in the kitchen once again.

~~~~~~~~~~~

For the next week Dean showed up at Castiel’s house everyday like clockwork. Same time, four pm, with a fresh bouquet of flowers and the same proposition of getting to know one another. And everyday dean got the same answer, a firm no with the door shut in his face. Yet, he returned everyday without fail, until finally Cas decided that perhaps it was time to let the truth come out and maybe that would stop Dean from his persistent acts of desperation.

Four came around all too quickly for Castiel and at the sound of the doorbell ringing right on time, he got up with an exasperated sigh and slowly walked towards the door. Both of his brothers were there today, lined up and waiting for him.

“Can I help you two?” he asked as he passed them to get to the door.

“Gabe and I want you to give Dean a shot.”

Cas merely rolled his eyes.

“Hear us out, Cassie, before you shoot us down. Just go on one date with him, and if you really don't like him then fine, at least you tried, but you need to get out there.”

“I really don't, and now I am going to put an end to this once and for all.” The two boys looked to him with worry and confusion as he opened the door and was once again met with Dean and a fresh bouquet of flowers, today it was daisies. Dean opened his mouth to ask the same question he had been asking all week, but Cas raised a hand and stopped him before he could, “Before you say anything or try to futilely ask me on a date again, there is something I want you to know.”

“Whatever it is, I don't care,” he stepped towards Castiel with a new found glimmer of hope in his eyes, “I will take you as you are, no matter what, and I-”

“I have a son, Dean.” Dean stopped cold and just stared at Cas, “I am a father.”

Dean didn't say anything, just tilted his head, and with a final nod Cas closed the door. He then turned a knowing look on his brothers beside him and said, “And that is why I won’t give him or anyone else a chance. As soon as they find out you have a child, everything changes. If someone doesn't have time for my son, then I don't have time for them either.”

He walked away and left them standing speechless in the hallway again.

~~~~~~~~~~~

The next day Cas waited with baited breath as four pm came and went. Obviously he was right about Dean and that would be the end of the flowers and propositions. After a hard days work in his office, he made his way out to the kitchen to see what kind of treat Gabriel had made today and stopped when he saw his brothers leaning up against the wall by the front door.

“What are you two doing?”

“Waiting for Dean,” Balthazar said, matter of fact.

“He is not going to show up,” he said crossing his arms, “once they find out you have the responsibility of a child, all interest disappears. And besides, he has been here everyday at four, it is now almost four-thirty and he is not here-”

Just then the doorbell rang and all three held their breaths before Cas huffed out, “It's not Dean, more than likely someone trying to sell something.”

“Why don't you open the door and find out, baby brother,” Gabriel waved a flourished hand at the door and Cas walked over and opened it. It was the least he could say to say that he was shocked to see that it was in fact Dean standing at the door, again with a fresh bouquet of flowers in his hand. Today’s choice, roses.

“Dean, I…”

“Sorry I’m late, but I spent almost twenty minutes standing in the toy store trying to decide what a little boy would like to play with, and I settled on this,” he lifted his other hand and held out a blue gift bag and Cas found himself reaching out to take it, and Dean beamed when he did rather than rejecting it, “I wasn’t sure what he liked, or even what his age was, and since we are around the same age I guessed maybe five, no more than seven?”

“three, he’s… he’s three. I…” Cas found he was only able to stutter broken sentences at the moment, “You got him a gift?”

“Of course,” Dean nodded with a smile, “I couldn't leave him out!”

“Why?”

“Cas, I want you to like me, to give me the chance to show you that I am a good man, and that includes your son. He has to like me too in order for this all to work out.” Cas just stared at him, mouth gaped. “I told you I would take you as you are, that also means your son, and I love kids so it's all the better!”

A short moment of silence passed between them when Gabe’s voice was heard from somewhere behind him shouting, “Marry him!” and Cas laughed, snapping out of his daze.

“So what do you say, Cas? Will you give me the chance to show you that we belong together? Will you go out with me?”

“I… I thought after yesterday that you would stop doing this when you found out that I had a son, but you have pleasantly surprised me, Dean.” Dean smiled, and even blushed a little. “And I want to say yes but I have no one to look after my son. It's too late to call a sitter and my family all work and have lives of their own-”

“No! No we don't!”

The door suddenly opened further and both Gabriel and Balthazar came bursting out, and Gabriel placed a hand on Castiel’s shoulder, “We don't have any plans, we will watch the little guy and you two can go out!”

“I can’t always ask you to give up your time to watch my son.”

“Cassie, we are family, he’s our nephew, of course you can. And we would absolutely love to watch him,” Balthazar then turned to Dean with a smile and said, “come back in an hour and he’ll be ready.”

“Sounds great!” Dean was all but beaming rays of sunshine as he held the flowers out to Cas and he took them with a face red enough to match the roses. “I’ll see you in an hour.”

And Cas and the boys watched him leave the house, practically skipping down the driveway and to his car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: SOOOOOOO... I am in love with this fic and this idea, let me know what you guys think of it XD And thanks for reading! <3

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kimnamjooonz · 6 years

Text

Blank Space - Episode 1.

Okay, here’s the first episode of the thing I wrote.

Episode 1 - Hold Up

''Hold Up, they don't love you like I love you.''

On the outskirts of the town of Caernarfon in North Wales there was a little farm that belonged to a Aloisius and Helen Ward-Prowse a lovely couple that had made a living out of selling sheep's wool. Around their lovely house there were pictures of two raven haired children: tall and muscular yet inexpressive Clint, and Amanda, the lively and expressive girl that was slowly becoming a grown woman. Amanda Ward-Prowse was the darling of his parents and the soft spot of her strong and mighty brother. But it wasn't as if she needed protecting. as she could take care of herself perfectly well. Sometimes she was more intimidating than her rugby player brother. At 25, Amanda was an accomplished actress that could presume of having moderate success as in many Shakespeare plays but still hadn't had the chance of doing something big with her acting career. That's why she had decided to start from the bottom and audition for a place at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts, in London. She had come a long way from starring in her school plays or the summer lessons at the prestigious Cardiff College of Music and Drama, even starring in many plays at the Shakespeare's Globe and small roles in British TV shows or soap operas. But her first important role had come from the Royal Shakespeare Company that offered her one of the main roles in a production of Richard III. That's how she ended up on the stage of the dreamy Royal Shakespeare Theatre. And to that, several productions followed, peaking in a version of Macbeth starring none other than Ian McKellen. Amanda had got dazzling reviews with her performance as Lady Macbeth and reviewers were asking when she'd finally have her big break. One year later, she was still waiting for it while preparing a series of complicated auditions to one of the most prestigious drama schools in the world. It was currently July and Amanda was facing the biggest challenge of her career yet: the final audition. On that warm summer night, Amanda and her best friend Taylor Bevan were just planning the schedule for the next days. Taylor had been her right hand since their school days. From the days Taylor kept saying that she was going to be Amanda's agent when they grew up. They were both sitting on the bed at Amanda's bedroom. This place had changed little since she was a kid. The walls were covered with pictures of herself at different plays, with the animals of the farm, of that time she had won the Caernarfon Junior Challenge of Chopping wood with an axe (she still kept the trophy among the ones she had got from acting) and the picture with Sir Ian McKellen. The only different picture there, was of Amanda's favourite actor since 2013: Sebastian Stan. His picture was between one of Amanda playing Lady Macbeth and another of herself hugging one of her cats. She had an unhealthy obsession with Sebastian in a particular way. She had fan accounts dedicated to him even though she never lusted over him on the Internet (maybe a couple of thirst tweets but that was all). She just tagged him in some posts on Instragram from time to time, captioned with sweet words telling him how much he meant to her. Also, she had never been one of those people who sent hate to any of his former girlfriends even though she had been jealous as hell and she couldn't help it. She had just wanted to grab the axe and kill a bitch. But those thoughts were never expressed out loud. She smiled thru the pain and went on with her life. And she wasn't damaging anyone. Well, maybe herself. God be praised that the guy was single now. Taylor knew about that even though Amanda hardly ever talked about it. Sometimes she wondered if it was sane for Amanda to be so attached to a guy so unattainable but then... she had the weird feeling that Sebastian Stan wasn't so impossible for Amanda Ward-Prowse. She had worked with people like Ian McKellen before, working with Sebastian Stan someday wasn't at all impossible. Amanda was rereading the lines of her monologue for the thousandth time with one of her cats curling on her chest. She had decided to play it safe and had chosen a piece of Lady Macbeth, a role that she had done many times before under more stressful circumstances. ''Take that furry thing out of the bed, he's shedding black fur all over it.'' Taylor grunted. ''Which one is this, by the way?'' ''Sir Frances Drake'' Amanda cuddled the black cat closer to her chest. ''Really, Taylor. You almost live at this house and you don't know the names of the cats?'' she rolled her eyes. ''Tay, can you take a look at my Twitter and see if I have any notifications?'' ''Your twitter is basically a fan account by now. If you make it to the RADA you'll have to change it.'' ''I was planning to have a stage name. Something more impressive than Amanda Ward-Prowse.'' she went on reading the monologue. In Taylor's opinion that was a complete waste of time. Who needed silly social media when she was about to have the most important audition of her life? And the only notification she could have was someone informing the breaking news that Sebastian Stan had eaten a sandwich or something of the sort. And she was partially right. But the news had nothing to do with sandwiches at all. They were more like Sebastian Stan having a date with some mystery woman. For the twits that Taylor could read, there were hundreds of young women thinking that this was an absolute catastrophe. Taylor wanted to laugh. How could they be so silly? It wasn't as if they could date the guy themselves any time soon. Her expression changed when she remembered that Amanda was one of those people who was going to mourn the fact that Sebastian Stan had a girlfriend. ''Why do you have that face?'' Amanda asked with a bit of suspicion. ''Nothing''. Unfortunately Taylor couldn't act or lie decently. Amanda took the phone out of her hands and glanced at the screen. Taylor got ready for any dramatic outburst Amanda may have but it never came. Taylor wondered what was happening. ''So, are you going to say something?'' ''No, why?'' Amanda looked genuinely confused. ''I mean, your celebrity crush has a girlfriend...'' ''And?'' Amanda's voice wasn't even harsh or resigned. It was just indifferent. ''Are you taking me as one of those people who send hate or believe that they may have a chance with him. Let's be realistic, Taylor. That's never going to happen. Now, I have to focus in the audition if I want to succeed in something.'' This was so unlike Amanda that it scared Taylor a little. Where was the obsessive and attached Amanda? Maybe she was too absorbed in nailing her audition. ''This doesn't sound like you. I thought you were part of the 'Let me have your children, Sebastian' club.'' Amanda let the script apart and looked at her friend. ''Really, Taylor? You think that low of me? I'm a professional actress that worked with Ian McKellen. Do you think my biggest concern in this life is having Sebastian Stan's children? Not that I could, even if I wanted to.'' she added. Taylor wanted to punch herself in the face. She was scared that she had said something insensible. ''I'm sorry for that. Sometimes I forget because you speak so lightly about your own body that no one can't take you seriously.'' ''Because there's nothing wrong with it. We all should all be proud of our bodies.'' And there was no doubt that Amanda was proud of hers. She loved her pitch black hair, the stunning pair of deep blue eyes (that in a certain angle looked purple), her tiny waist and long legs. ''Yeah, but remember that not everyone looks like you. Your legs age longer than half of my body. Empathy was never your strength, Amanda.'' She just shrugged her shoulders and looked at the time. ''It's ten. We should go to bed. We have a long day tomorrow.'' ''Just rest. Don't stay up too late watching Doctor Who, Sherlock, Torchwood or any of those shows you like.'' ''I won't'' and Amanda was telling the truth. Whenever Taylor wanted to stay at the Ward-Prowse house she used Amanda's brother's old room. Clint had moved to Cardiff two years ago, he had a wife and played for Cardiff's top rugby team. It seemed that the Ward-Prowse siblings couldn't conform with a normal life and a normal job, they always had to be in the spotlight. ''Okay, we leave tomorrow at six. Please Amanda, don't look hangover.'' ''Who cares if I do? The audition is not tomorrow. And London is full of people with killer hangovers, I won't be the exception.'' ''Whatever'' Taylor left, leaving Amanda alone. Amanda made sure that Taylor was not coming back, grabbed a pillow and threw it at the picture of Sebastian Stan she had on the wall. ''You... bloody idiot!'' she hissed. She knew she had no absolute right of reacting like this but... she was alone in her room where she could vent out her emotions. ''You were better single why the hell would you need a girlfriend. You killed the magic!'' And it was true. The whole fun of having celebrity crushes was to try to reach the unreachable and making stupid dreams inside your head that were never going to happen. But with a freaking girlfriend in the middle, it was just not the same. Except that if she, Amanda, were the girlfriend. But unfortunately she wasn't. She was stuck in Caernarfon, talking to a picture of him. ''Why I have to be so idiotic?'' she buried his face in the pillow for a little while. ''Just stop with the bullshit, Ward-Prowse. You have a bright future, who cares about Sebastian Stan.'' Then she imagined him dating a little nobody, even less known than she was and her blood boiled. Yes, she could accept him dating Emma Watson or Hayley Atwell or a Victoria's Secret angel. But a nobody? Hell, no. Of course she wasn't entitled to an opinion and she wasn't going to say it out loud anyway. This rant was between her and her room walls. It was useless but who on earth cared. She went to Youtube to watch Beyonce's Hold Up music video. It featured Beyonce with a baseball bat hitting things while singing lyrics like 'What's worse, looking jealous or crazy, jealous or crazy?' . Well, she was both. And also ashamed of herself for pulling this stunt even though no one was there to see it. She kept the song on repeat until she fell asleep. Or maybe she never fell asleep and all the weird stuff that was into her head weren't dreams. Taylor found her at five a.m half asleep and half awake, looking like a zombie. When Amanda noticed her presence she immediately turned off the music. If Taylor found out that Amanda had been listening to Beyonce, she was going to guess what was happening in two seconds. And that was embarrassing as hell. ''I just couldn't sleep. I'm nervous'' she normally hated to admit that she was nervous. But it was better than to admit that she had spent the whole night being a jealous ass bitch. ''I was just listening to some Coldplay. They always calm me down.'' Seconds later Amanda's mum showed up. ''Clint just called me. He has some food to give you before you take the train to London.'' ''We're saved'' said Amanda. ''I really didn't want to eat some cheap cookies from the store. Lila may be a local but at least she can cook'' Lila was Clint's wife, a nice simple girl that Amanda considered a local. In her opinion, the dazzling Clint Ward-Prowse deserved better. But of course she had never voiced her opinions out loud. ''Don't call Lila a local'' her mother reprimanded her. ''Just because she doesn't have the same ambitions as you, doesn't make her less of a person. You have too much to learn...'' she added when she saw Amanda rolling her eyes. ''Not everyone wants to be a film star and win BAFTAs and cover British Vogue, Amanda.'' But Amanda wasn't listening. She had her mind somewhere else. What if Sebastian Stan's new girlfriend was a similar version of Lila? No, please, no. Anything but a local, please Sebastian, don't be an idiot. ''Amanda!'' Taylor yelled. ''We have to leave.'' Amanda's parents drove them to the station and they immediately caught a train to Cardiff. Cardiff was Amanda's second home. She had stayed there countless of time while attending special drama lessons at the Royal Academy of Music and Drama there. Also, Doctor Who was filmed there and once she had been lucky enough to score a little role in an episode. It was just a couple of lines for one scene but she had met Matt Smith and Karen Gillan that day. In the train, she was swearing to herself that one day she'll be in Cadiff filming Doctor Who again but this time she'd be the Doctor. Fourteenth or Fifteenth Doctor was good to her. Though the window she glanced at the familiar outline of the city of Cardiff. She smiled, forgetting about bloody Sebastian Stan or her ambitions for a second. Sooner than she had wanted, they got to the train station. She immediately spotted Clint standing at the platform. ''Manda! Looking so happy, as always.'' he said with sarcasm, noticing Amanda's expression. ''She didn't sleep'' added Taylor, blushing a little. Yes, she had a boyfriend and he had a wife but Clint Ward-Prowse was still bloody gorgeous. She was a bit taller than his sister and with a thicker complexion. He had the same pitch black hair as Amanda. The main difference between them were the eye colour. Amanda's eyes were dark blue while Clint's icy blue. ''Typical Amanda. Were you watching Doctor Who or Sherlock?'' ''Any of them. And I slept for a couple of hours.'' she lied. Of course that she was not going to admit that she had spent the night listening to Beyonce. ''Whatever'' he rolled his eyes. ''Lila send you this. She couldn't come, for some reason.'' he said with sarcasm. Of course that he was aware the sisters in law weren't the best friends on earth. They were just too different to agree on anything. They all knew that Lila hadn't made that handmade cookies to Amanda. They were for Taylor, who in Lila's eyes was a much normal and decent person than her sister in law. But Clint was never in a million years going to side against his little sister. Amanda had been the jewel of the family since she was born and this was not going to change. ''We have to leave.'' she hugged her brother tightly. Next time you see me I'll be a RADA alumni. Keep the faith.'' ''I'll never lose faith in you. You're the star of the family. Now go. Bye Taylor, take care of her.'' ''Of course.'' Clint had always been overprotective of Amanda. When they were kids he was her personal bodyguard. He was never going to stop caring about his little sister. ''Amanda, this is the first step to stardom, don't forget it.'' She smiled with confidence before getting lost into the crowd.

P.S. Here we have Amanda being the dramatic fuck she is.

#sebastian stan #sebastian stan fanfiction #sebastian stan imagine #marvel #mcu #what the hell i'm doing with my life #bucky barnes #seb is my sunshine

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canaryatlaw · 6 years

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okay, so. most of the day was fairly boring lol as expected but tonight of course was super awesome. I had set a 1 pm wake up if you’re not already awake alarm but I ended up waking up to my phone buzzing right at 11 am, it was a Chicago number so I answered and chatted with this guy from this legal company that does boring shit like document review and is doing like part time temporary hiring projects, which would obviously be a short term fix as I’m still looking for full time employment, but they pay like $20 an hour (and you don’t technically have to be licensed for some of their stuff, so being that I am licensed I miiiiiight get to do some more intense stuff for more pay? Idk, have to see) so I have an 11 am Skype interview scheduled with them for tomorrow morning to chat about that stuff. I’m obviously not like dying to get this job or anything but it’d be nice to have some income while I’m still looking, like if I did like 15-20 hours a week that’s $300-$400 so that’s not insignificant. I’m just gonna be super upfront with them about the fact that I’m seeking permanent employment and if I start anything with them there is a solid chance I will up and leave with fairly short notice, and if they’re not okay with that then we won’t do it, but I get the feeling since a lot of their shit is short term they’ll probably be okay with it. So after I got off that phone call I looked up the number for Ulta and called them to push back my haircut appointment which was booked for 12, I was trying to do think if there was somewhere I could plant myself downtown and do a Skype interview to then just run to the appointment but I obviously don’t want to do like, starbucks, and beyond trying to sneak into my old student org office at school (that’s no longer mine obviously) there’s not very many options, so I was hoping we could just push the haircut back a bit till like 2 and she happened to have an opening then so that was perfect because she gets booked up fairly consistently, so I lucked out there. After that I was lazy and went on my phone for a bit before getting up and going on my laptop at the kitchen table while I ate breakfast and then eventually moved over to the couch and was just listening to podcasts while on my computer for a while, then ended up watching the pilot of the new amazon prime show “Hanna” that’s not actually premiering to March but they were making the pilot available for like 24 hours after the superbowl for some reason and I was fairly intrigued by that (I never did actually see the movie its based on) and it was okay I guess? I wasn’t like super enthralled in it but I may give it a try for a few episodes when it comes out. The main actress is pretty good, but she’s a lot older than I thought she was (she actually turns 19 like, today) when I thought she was more like 13 or 14. and she’s apparently not been in much of anything up to this point, so good for her. After that I just turned the tv off and listened to more Panic music since I downloaded a bunch last night on top of what I downloaded after the concert last week so I could be more familiar with that while doing some computer stuff and trying to get some more Batwoman comic reading done. I was trying to see what they had on DC Universe before switching over to Comixology (which I have to pay for) but they only have issues 1-12 of her new 52 run which is apparently significantly longer than that and I burned through those very quickly, and the other ones on there are basically just one-off appearances in a random Batman story. So I guess I’ll read those then see what I can get on Comixology (they apparently have a subscription thing now which may be more affordable than paying for each comic, I’ll have to see what’s the deal with that). Around 4:30 I started getting ready, tried to do my make up very carefully and ended up trying to use my liquid eyeliner on my bottom lid which I normally don’t do but I like accidentally got some on there when trying to get it on my top lid (not sure how I managed to do that) and wanted to see if I could do the rest. It turned out pretty good in the immediate aftermath at least, but when I got home it had migrated down my face a good bit which is basically my biggest pet peeve with black eyeliner so I probably won’t be doing that again (I’m gonna see if I can find a better one at Ulta/Sephora tomorrow, since I’ll be at the Ulta and there’s a Sephora down the street and I want to find something that’s a Sephora brand product. There’s apparently also a Sally’s around there which I may also hit up for some hair dyeing supplies). But I finished getting ready and got on the bus at like 5:30 to meet Jess at her work so we could go straight to the concert from there, I was supposed to get there slightly before she got off so she could use it as an excuse to leave but the bus was being uncooperative (as public transit often is) and I ended up not getting there until like right when she got off, but it wasn’t a big deal because we weren't really in a rush being that we knew Panic didn’t actually take the stage until like, 8:30 lol. We stopped at a mcdonalds drive thru on the way where we got twenty nuggets, two cokes, and a medium fries (it’s always a debate about how many nuggets to get, because Jess is like “but I want more than 10″ when we’re splitting 20 but it’s more expensive to order 30 nuggets than it would be to order 40 nuggets and that’s just way too many (we did try that once) so I was saying we could do a 20 and a 6 piece but ended up just going with the 20 for us to split. Drove the rest of the way out, the concert was out by the airport which is a bit of a hike but we’re used to going there because most Chicago cons are in a venue that’s right by there. There was fairly massive traffic getting into the venue, and we had some momentary panic (no pun intended) regarding paying for parking because we didn't have any cash and didn’t know if they’d take card, but luckily they did so that crisis was averted. of course it’s bullshit that they’re charging $25 to just park in their giant ass parking lot, but that’s life for ya. Once we parked we had to kinda run to the venue because it was cold and we were both bumming it without our regular coats (I had a leather jacket on) so we were happy when we got in there. Got in without issue, climbed up the stairs to the top level of course and found our seats. We were literally like, the furthest section back on the side before the other seats just weren’t sold because you couldn’t be able to see (the other half of our section was actually closed off) but despite that we actually had a fairly good view and could see most of everything, just mostly from a side view and sometimes the back, lol. I was pumped though because I spent like all of last week wishing I could relive the concert and now I was getting to do that, so I was very excited. The new perspective was interesting, we got to see things from different angles which was interesting, like him popping up onto the stage when he first came out and just jumps up so it looks like he just gets shot out at fairly high speed lol. The set list was the same of course, except I’ve been listening to the music all week and actually knew the vast majority of the songs this time and could sing along, so I felt accomplished for that. I did manage to take a good amount of videos that I posted all on my instagram story if you want to check those out (@ racheleiley) and this time I didn’t ugly sing while recording lol so they’re better quality than the ones from last week. But yeah it was really good, I still got super anxious and cringey when he was on the floating piano above the crowd and very clearly not strapped into anything and like, going to the edge of the platform and I like, couldn’t watch because it stressed me out too much lol but thankfully he made it back okay. When Girls/Girls/Boys came on we hadn’t gotten the little paper colored hearts to put over our cell phone lights this time because we were in the reject section that was mostly empty, but it was still enjoyable and he definitely had no less than 10 pride flags thrown onstage at him during it which he picked every single one up and draped them over him and he was like “this is a record” which was great. But yeah, I really enjoyed all of it. When he came back out for the encore someone threw a little teddy bear onstage and he was like “aw, this is the cutest teddy bear, I’m keeping this” and put it in his back pocket as he kept performing and it was really fucking cute lol. He must be in really good shape to be doing this sometimes multiple times a week because it’s so much energy expended and his voice is so strong to be able to handle it (makes sense that he did a stint on Broadway). But yeah, I enjoyed it a lot and got much better videos this time so I’m pleased with that. Once it ended we managed to get out of the parking lot relatively quickly, definitely a lot quicker than we expected because we kinda cut around part of the line to get to the exit faster (sorry not sorry 🤷🏻‍♀️) and then made it the rest of the way home, and Jess made me walk back to my place from her apartment instead of dropping me off which she could’ve VERY EASILY done, but she was being a butt and trying to get payback because she always has to make the walk when we hang out at my place (which we do the vast majority of the time). So I walked home, thankfully it wasn’t too cold, and then spent a while uploading the videos to my instagram story because it was being uncooperative while at the concert so I had to do them all after. My roommate got home shortly after I did and somehow managed to leave her keys in the front door, but now our front door wouldn’t unlock, so she was gonna go around the back to get to the front and asked if I had my front door key, which I thought she meant the front door to our apartment, so I gave her that she disappeared. Not long after I could hear someone calling my name so I went to the front door and was like ??? yes??? but she wasn’t at the door and I was thoroughly confused as to where she could be until it occurred to me that maybe she was locked outside, so I went down the backstairs to the back door where she was in fact stuck, we had a slight miscommunication on the key situation and she couldn’t get the front door of the building to open because I gave her the wrong key, whoops, but we got it figured out and fixed the door situation so that was good. After that was settled I got in the shower and started getting ready for bed and now I am here. I’ve been writing this post for about 40 minutes and it’s now 2 am, I have to get up at at least 10:30 tomorrow to make sure I’m presentable for the Skype interview so I think I should get to bed now. Goodnight loves. Have a lovely Tuesday.

#daily journal #February 2019 #Jess tag #Panic! At The Disco

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citrus-feline · 7 years

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going on facebook is always awful cuz ill want to share something with my dad but then see his most recent post is talking about “commie liberal shitheads” like. dad. is that what he thinks about me? he is definitely at least semi-aware of my political views. he’s accused me of being a communist in highschool back when i thought there was a point in talking to him about issues (but hes not going to change his mind). i dont get it either because he will get livid when i say that capitalism in its current state in america is ruining us despite being one of the people affected most by it. i grew up like hating late-capitalist ideals because i saw what my dad went thru and the hardship he endured trying to raise 3 kids all by himself when he was already having money issues. he grew up poor in a house with 5+ kids in it. is it just conditioning where he trusts a system that is so against him? he only just recently finally got a job that pays fairly for the amount of hardwork he does and his reaction to that isn’t being thankful to his hardwork or even his company, but making posts on facebook about how much he loves the president :/. dad... you’re opposed to raising min wage..... like....... he deserves the money for the work he does cuz hes like a genius with the machines he works but dude. go back 50 years and a job in a similar environment would be min wage. im happy he is getting more money but i wish he would like thank himself or his company instead of someone who perpetuates late-stage capitalism despite all of its harm.

generally i actually think my dad is okay but then i look at what he’s saying about people like me and it upsets me. i once made a post about how older people are so unsupportive to newer generations and he got so mad!! but im expected to see his posts that i can easily apply to myself and just be okay with it. im not gonna fight with my dad cuz like even the possibility of being told to move out will be really hard of my mental health and he takes care of me but........ i wish he was more respectful....... say what you will but the meanest i am to conservatives is when im venting about upsetting things i saw in the news on this website. when it comes to actually talking to people with different views i am really kind and understanding, and even on here i’ve experienced that. i’ve made angry posts before with keywords that attracted conservatives and have gotten angry asks about it before and my response is almost always “im sorry i upset you with that post, i was venting. but i am happy to have a conversation with you about this stuff.”..... i have only like once ever had someone take me up on discussing things in a mature way and separate from a personal post but i like to think that the way i handle it is respectful despite my own disbelief in those types of politics.

him going off on facebook is so bizarre to me because i’ve seen him fight with people in comments before. i’ve heard my sister (who is much stronger than me emotionally) address his posts before only to get into arguments where she will avoid visiting us for months aside from popping in after work or something. and she barely does that anymore. i dont get how he is so happy to keep making such rude posts on a platform that everyone he knows will see. i post on here knowing that maybe one or two people i know in real life will see it, if even that. and THAT makes me nervous! i’ve deleted plenty of posts i was typing up mid-rant because i realized i didnt want people who know me personally to see that! like i know looking at my blog it seems like “oh she doesnt have a filter” but i do!! like once a day i will start writing a vent post only to delete it all without ever posting because i realize it could cause some kind of misunderstanding or bitterness between me and the people i care about who check my blog.

all “bleh i hate capitalism” aside, i don’t understand the disrespect at all. i just dont. i can theoretically look at very conservative people as a group and be bitter about that, and i do sometimes, but i usually try to be mindful that people have opinions for their own reasons and i have to remember that everyone’s experience is different. despite people saying things i disagree with, i still respect them as people and i’m willing to talk about things gently. i much prefer a mature conversation about more heavy stuff as opposed to being yelled at. a mature conversation can lead to things being learned, on both sides. being so vocal about your disdain for people who you could potentially have an actual conversation with upsets me. i go off about politicians and stuff on here but for real if one of them talked to me, one-on-one, i would absolutely still be respectful despite everything i dislike about their policies and behavior as someone of power. the only time i wouldn’t treat someone with respect is if they not only treat me disrespectfully but reject my attempt at keeping things civil. and even then i would give multiple opportunities in an attempt to keep things calm and respectful. when i discuss stuff with people who i disagree with, i listen to them. lots of the time i feel the same about the issue at the end, but hearing a point of view is important. brushing all people who disagree with you away is just in bad taste in my opinion. because there are people who will not believe in what you do but also show respect despite that. there are people who will listen, even if they are secretly a little upset about what you’re saying. conversation is important in any kind of society and for one so polarized in political beliefs like ours i think it should be a requirement to show SOME kind of respect.

it just upsets me how i wont even be heard with some people, like my dad. people who are so stuck in their beliefs that they refuse to even consider looking at them critically. i know the stuff i align myself with isn’t perfect. i know some things people who are head-speakers for in the political groups i openly say i agree with aren’t always exactly what i think. and i know that lots of things won’t be treated as serious as i want them to be. focus can easily be put on things that i think should come later compared to what i care about. i know that “liberals” aren’t perfect. a lot of kids i went to school with were heavily and openly liberal and generally i agreed with them but now and then they would go too far with something, or even just be one of those people who are so up in arms about political stuff that they don’t have any real personal experience with (which is fine, i just wish they wouldn’t act like it was them being attacked instead of the actual people suffering from the real-life issues). i know my beliefs, MY personally beliefs, aren’t perfect. i used to have a lot of trouble realizing something i believed in was not what i thought it was, but now its kinda normal for me. my beliefs for lots of stuff is fluid, but of course because its me, i usually end up aligning with most “liberal” ideals (but, again, theres stuff i disagree with in those groups too). i will ride in my dad’s car where the radio is still on a political station he listens to and some of the stuff they say makes me sick because i disagree with it so much. and i like to think that my dad doesn’t believe all of that. but i dont know because whenever i’ve tried to figure out i’ve just been called a communist who hates freedom, lol. he’s not open to conversation which is really weird to me. cuz like. things change?? opinions aren’t static? people are able to look at things from different angles. its not that hard imo? maybe its just cuz im overly-empathetic but like. i dont... get how its so hard for people to put themselves in others shoes... thats what i primarily do when talking to people about stuff where theres any sort of disagreement. lots of the time ill put myself in their shoes and still come out feeling the same about the topic, but its still important to do that kind of thing to at least get SOME kind of grasp to why they believe what they do.

im not sure why im making so many long political posts lately compared to usual but i feel like this is important stuff to talk about... i dont expect anyone to change their views on shit just reading a post where im getting my frustrations out, but if anything is questionable, i want people to know that i AM open to talking about it personally. if you approach me with respect, i’d be happy to talk to you about stuff. it’s something i practice regularly with non-political stuff in my relationship and with close-friends when something touchy comes up. lots of the times core ideas aren’t changed but we all come out of that stuff with a bit more understanding of the other person and why they think what they do. people aren’t perfect and you will disagree about things. that’s why it should be handled respectfully. if i reacted the way my dad does to people trying to make conversation about more serious things, im pretty sure i wouldn’t have nearly as many friends, lol.

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kittaepurrfect · 8 years

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Birthday Present

Genre: Smut

By: Admin Podo

ReaderXJhope

Words: 1,686

Notes: mostly sub!Jhope and dom reader, some light bondage, a bit of orgasm denial, a little pet play

You had been dating Jung Hoseok for a while now. You trusted him with just about everything; he was your ray of sunshine after all. But there were a few things that you had not told anyone, well…except maybe your best-friend that you probably told too much.

You guys had been friends for way longer than you had known Hobi and you had told her more than you should probably have told any other human. Being a rather discreet, introverted, and private person, most people did not know very much about you besides what you liked to call “surface” you. And even though your boyfriend had gotten to know you more than most of your friends, you still had many layers.

But again, yeah, you had probably trusted this one bitch too much. You had told her not only what you looked for in men, but also all your kinks and turn-ons. She knew way too much and if you didn’t love her so much—never mind that, ahem.

Every year since you had started dating the wonderful boyband member Jhope, H/N and him had been giving you surprises on your birthday. These always made you slightly anxious. It was worse this time because they told you to just come to your apartment after work. Usually they told you to go somewhere and they held an event for you, sometimes with other people you all knew.

When you got home you were more anxious because the lights were on and H/N and Hobi were not waiting to jump out at you. You put your stuff down and quickly walked to your bedroom where you could hear them talking. Omg, the door was also closed, wtf were they doing?

When you walked in your mouth literally opened and you gasped.

“See, I told you she would like it.” H/N smiled.

Hobi looked down and blushed, “She didn’t say that, she’s just shocked…”

H/N was holding a leash that was attached to a large studded collar around Hoseok’s neck. H/N had also found some fake ears that were a similar color to his blondish pinkish hair. The shirt he wore was not really a shirt: it was mesh and mostly see-thru and the sides went all the way down to his black skinny jeans. It was too revealing and you gulped, feeling your face get very hot.

H/N tugged on his leash a little and smiled evilly at you. Handing you the end of the leash, “He’s all yours, Y/N.”

As you stared at the blushy and fidgety Hobi you heard the door to your apartment slam as H/N left.

“Um…” Jhope fake coughed. “What do you think?”

When he looks up at you like that your heart melts, “You…are so cute Hobi!!!!”

You pull on the leash to bring him to you, letting go of it as you crash your mouth into his. He giggles into the kiss. As you are now very turned on your tongue seeks entrance almost immediately and he accepts you. You “accidentally” put your hands in his shirt, first grasping him by the waist, then moving your hands from his abs up to his chest.

He moans into your mouth, a deep and low one. You can already feel your lower body aching at this.

When you finally take a breath, you ask him, “How much did H/N tell you?”

“Um,” more blushing. “I could not believe all those things she told me were all about you, but I decided to go with it because I know you trust her.”

Under your breath, “Because I’m a fucking idiot…”

Hoseok grabs your hands that are still on his chest, “Anything you want to do to me today, I’m all for. It’s your birthday and I love you so much.”

“But you’re not uncomfortable with…anything she told you?”

“No, not at all. I’m willing to try all of it. Especially involving you.” He gives you the evil smirk that always make you want to smack and fuck him at the same. Whispering in a very low tone and coming closer to your face, “Because you are the sexiest woman I have ever met.”

Hearing this, something in you snapped. You backed up and returned his smirk with a wide grin and he stopped smirking at you. “Are you ready then, Hobi?”

With wide eyes, he nodded at you. You let go of the leash and kind of violently removed his “shirt”. You begin sucking on his neck but quickly move down to his chest and tease his nipples with your mouth and your hand. He sucks in breath and moans with a needy voice. He holds onto the foot of the bed behind him to support himself. When you stop, he is breathing hard and you notice a bulge in his tight jeans.

“Why don’t you strip now?” you look up at his ears, “my puppy.”

He quickly complies and stands there, naked in front of your completely clothed self except for his collar. You walk up to him and give him a peck on the lips and grab the leash again. “Let’s get on the bed.” The look in your eyes scares and excites Hobi at the same time. “Lay down first.”

“Yes…um…”

Your eyes flash again, he imagines. “Hmm, say yes ma’am.”

“Yes, ma’am!” and he lies down.

You look at the nightstand and see that H/N has supplied you with different interesting things. You smile and hear Jhope fake cough again. You grab a thin strip of cloth and walk over to him. You motion at him and he immediately guesses what you want. After he puts his hands above his head you tie them to the bed post.

You walk over to the door and close it, then dim the lights a bit. Going to the foot of the bed where Hobi has a direct view of you, you slowly strip to your underwear. You congratulated yourself in your mind for wearing matching panties and bra. Hoseok has that evil smirk on his face again.

Wasting no more time, you go to the bed and straddle him and he groans because you were not being gentle. As soon as you do so, you feel his hardness underneath you and gasp.

You begin grinding on him and he moans and whines at you, “Oh no, Y/N, ah fuck…” You hold onto his muscular shoulders for support and the friction makes you moan and after a bit you are getting wet.

You abruptly stop. Smirking at him, “For being such a good boy, I’ll give you a reward.”

He tilts his head at this and you contain the thought that it can’t be possible he’s this cute. Clearing your throat, “Do you want me to take off my bra or my panties?”

Whining, “Why can’t you take off both?”

“Are you going to be a bad boy now, Hobi?”

Daring to laugh at you, he answers, “Are you going to punish me then?”

Without answering, you get up and grab the lube on the nightstand.

You see his eyes fill with regret and you grin.

Pouring an excessive amount on his hard and pink cock you dramatically put the bottle of lube down then rub the lube all over his lower body: his cock, balls, and beautiful thighs. He groans as if he’s in pain at your extreme attention. Pausing to remove your panties, you then seat yourself on one of his already wet thighs and sigh. Both of your moans mix in the air as you continue slowly pumping him while grinding yourself against his thigh.

“Ah, Y/N, I can’t take it much longer…gonna…”

You quickly let go of his hard length and he whines at you.

“Are you gonna be a goody boy now, Hobi?”

“Yes,” he nods vigorously.

“Yes, what?”

“Yes, ma’am!”

You take off your bra and say, “Good boy.”

Straddling him and hovering over him you lightly grab his cock again and align it with your dripping entrance. When you slam down on him harshly he fills you up and you both gasp. You surprise him by then untying him from the bed post but not actually untying him.

Hobi sits up and you put his arms behind your back and he gives your breasts attention as you sloppily move on his cock. As he sucks harshly on one of your nipples you remove his fake ears so you can run your fingers through his beautiful hair.

You can’t take much more of it so you yank on his leash and he groans and looks up at you.

“Do you think you deserve to come Hobi?”

“Yes, ma’am!”

Smiling at him, “Well I don’t think I can take much longer without your hot come filling me up— “

You felt like his eyes darkened when you said this and his arms tightened around you. Hoseok leaned himself against the headboard and angled you so he could thrust into you.

His thrusts into you started off steady but as they got faster they became more randomly spastic. Both of you were moaning and cussing.

“Ah, Hobi.” You said breathily, “I’m going—to cum—soon…”

At this he pounded into you harder and the slapping of your skin against each other was very loud and wet. You moved your mouth to his and you moaned into each other’s mouths.

As Hoseok came hard inside you he screamed out, pulling you closer to himself. You came soon after him and you both lay there sweating and breathing hard.

After you came off him you untied his hands and laid down next to him, too tired to do anything else.

With half-closed eyes Hoseok turns to you smiling, “So, do you have anything else you want to do, Y/N?”

Groaning you put your red face into a pillow.

Hobi giggles and you feel him grab you and allow him to be the big spoon. He kisses your neck and you both eventually fall asleep (much to your disgust in the morning because you probably should have taken a shower after that…)

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define--onomatopoeia · 8 years

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Shady and not from a tree: So Schumacher thought that if he told Tobler to tell me how he sabotaged Matt and Ron Capps then he could assess how well I could keep a secret. Well for one I was on a roll as a tattle tale. For another, I had already written about it on multiple occasions. And foremost, it didn't involve me. It was about the safety of drivers and spectators. I had warned Tobler already, last October, that he was running out of control and I knew it was on purpose and he needed to stop He calmed down about it So Why wouldn't I write the finalized version of life? Of course, I would. Because that was my involvement, to tattle. Now when it comes to his little crap with Leah and me and him I told him several times in front of Terri Chandler, Leah herself and the FBI that I wanted NOTHING to do with Leah Prichit. I said it multiple times. I told him he was absolutely free to make his own choices but I would have absolutely nothing to do with Leah being on his team I couldn't make his decisions for him nor could I tell him he couldn't make his own decisions But over and over and over, even Dejoria knows, I said not to involve me with Leah. I want absolutely none of it. So he went ahead and decided that I would have no choice in dealing with the situation he decided to create. That's not fair. I was driving Alex to work the other day. He was using a calculator for the math, so he would give correct change because he was just overwhelmed, first new job, etc etc etc So... He wanted a different position. But I told him don't go asking for it because they may not have another. Just work your way up. Besides he had only one day and he hadn't had a chance to make tips, etc etc He should at least given it a week before complaining. So I told him, don't go telling your boss you can't do math If you want your boss to know you're having a difficult time, then throw your calculator on your tray or carry it in your hand. Since you're not allowed to have a phone at all, and have to put it in the box, he will notice and want to know what you have. So he will see it's a calculator and he will know that you need help and maybe the job isn't for you You can communicate all that to him without seeming demanding and needy but someone who is a problem solver and someone who will work hard and try to achieve perfection. I told him there's so many ways to work up. like he could tell on the cook who smokes pot before work.. so he could get the cook position and not have to do maths. But I told him instead to be quiet and work hard. It's easier and better. I told him you could throw the calculator on the tray and expect him to give you a different job because you can't do math Or you can just use the calculator and be honest about how you need additional help when you put it on the tray. He said "I just want to be honest" Don Schumacher isn't being honest about the whole Leah thing He never told me to what he wanted. Terri said he had something to say about Leah and me and his team and etc And I said I don't want anything to do with Leah what he wants to do is his Choice but I don't want anything to do with Leah. So Don sets Leah up with all kinds of public events with Matt. Nothing I can do. Matt decided to go to work. That's fine. That's his job Matt didn't arrange for the events. He was told to go to work. So Don wanted me to talk shit about Leah and then he could get the sympathy vote. While I'm talking about how John Force needs to be a better parent, Don Schumacher is the poor guy that made a mistake trusting and hiring Leah. Terri Chandler was super pissed at Don Schumacher about his choice about hiring Leah. I want to make very clear that she was completely against Leah joining DSR. She said wanted to tell on Don. But I wouldn't listen because I wanted nothing to do with it. I felt my opinion about Leah was obvious and that I didn't want anything to do with her. So why should I sit there and listen to someone disrespect my feelings by trying to push someone that I don't want on me? I yelled and carried on and Terri threatened to leave. Yet Don Schumacher decided that he wanted to do what he wanted to do. Fuck everyone else's rights. We are his slave. The entire world owes Don Schumacher their soul So last weekend I found out about his scheme. I was running thru an article, the FBI checked it and the article had no revelation or revelency about Schumacher nor Leah. But I put the article down with the knowledge of what Schumacher has done. Just a random event. So immediately he started negotiating about how to keep my mouth shut. I refused to say much about it... Except that I was pissed. And he had called me a liar and I told him I would say everything I knew about him if he ever called me that again. So he had this big ass list of shit to do for me. He also had been telling Matt to tell me shit to do or not do. And to swindle me into believing that he's Godly and awesome. Don should understand I make my own choices just as he does. #Duh And I have my own opinions just like anyone on the planet So he decides to see how trustworthy I am by having Tobler confess. I can't stand Tober. Everyone but him knows that So obviously I'm going to love tattling on him. And I did. But then Don was all no she's a liar she won't keep a secret So then again, I gave him a chance. Then immediately he wants to do nothing for me but wants Matt to swindle my mind into thinking that he's God. Sorry. There's not that much marijuana on the planet and eventually I'll wake up sober. Plus I don't smoke it. I should but I don't. It's expensive. So I got pissed off and I told about his little scheme that he was wanting to keep secret and was willing to pay me for. Now here's the point. What Schumacher wanted from me had to do with me. It was not going to hurt anyone but take alot of my patience, time and skill. All of which he doesn't have. So yeah he could pay me and I would shut up. It wouldn't hurt anyone. I wasn't letting a rapist run the streets without warning people that they were with a rapist that would drug their drinks All it was was an agreement to overlook the point that I didn't want to help him in the first place. But now I'm letting everyone know that he is absolutely manipulative and wants to be And absolutely has no regards for anyone else but his manipulation tactics. I was still pissed about what he did and wanted me to do against my will but I was willing to overlook it if there was proper apology funds. Make it worth my time to forgive him. Keeping his manipulations quiet was going to take quite a bit and I told him, about $10k would be a good start in an apology. But they decided on other things that would suffice. Some of the FBI are sympathetic with me and understand what I need to keep life smooth for me. Since Schumacher was intending to make it bumpy I figured it was alright. I never agreed to be quiet about him hurting anyone else. HE HURT ME. So it was between us. So if we had some financial incentive for forgiveness then that was between us But instead he decided to show his lack of intelligence once again and test me. I will not be tested. I will live my life how I see fit. I have no alliegence with anyone. God alone is my maker not Schumacher. I will not be tested by God or anyone. Today Schumacher was all rattled up by my tattling that he told Matt to YELL at me And he did and I told him "I don't want you to be mad at me and I don't like you yelling at me and I know I could be causing you problems with Schumacher but I'm not going to change who I am or what I'm doing." So he quit yelling because all it it's gonna do is make me not want to be around him and not talk to him and cry when I think he's not looking. And make Colby super upset. Schumacher is trying to cause us problems in our relationship because he's upset that he let Leah suck his old ass dick. And I refuse to be a manipulative part of media. And I refuse to allow safety to be an issue When Jesse was fucking with Dejoria's car, it only hurt her. No one else. It wasn't some fuck up to mess with people's heads or anything of that nature. Jesse knew I would cover it with the rape and that he would stay out of trouble and that no one would be psychologically fucked up But Tobler was purposely fucking people up and was putting Ron Capps and Matt Hagan in danger on purpose. What happened with Dejoria could be considered wrong and I admit that but it was contained And it was happening before I knew about it And I even posted in the 2016 season that Jesse couldn't fuck with her car any more. I wrote that. So whatever. I told her. I told everyone They just chose to overlook it the same as I did. After Dejoria's car blew up, Matt told Jesse not to do that anymore, I would be upset and then she won at Indy the same weekend. Delago told Jesse not to do it I told Jesse not to do it But when I was pissed at her, Jesse would tell me he could and I just didn't care. So he would. But someone was always on Jesse to stop. I just didn't write about it. It was a personal and private issue that only affected Dejoria's psychology. And I can't say it wasnt worth it and I won't. Just like for reasonable compensation I would find it worth it to keep Schumacher's manipulative tactics that don't interfere with safety quiet. Just like I did jesse. But I don't like being lied to and I don't like being tested so that I look like a liar in the end. Because I'm not. Too many people trust me to keep secrets that are harmful and to lie. Alot of people trust me and I find that a responsibility. Not an angle to manipulate. If you don't want to trust me or don't then that's on you I don't care. You can make your own choices and observations. I've always said that. Because I will prove you wrong It will just take Time but one day your eyes will open about me. If Don Schumacher spent half the time he spends on figuring out how to manipulate someone, on trying to be intelligent, he would really rock this world But instead he makes it pathetic and not worth living in.

#don Schumacher #nhra

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kookiebluey · 6 years

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Wlog for the BTS London concert on the 10th💓

Just so I don't forget, I’d like to write down how I felt b4, during and after the BTS concert on the 10th💜

I remember it wasn't a chill day at all, and I went to tutorials and lectures in the first half of the day. Can't say that I'm extremely excited cuz I was never really hyped for anything. It's not because I didn't like BTS enough, it's the fear of expecting too much and end up getting disappointed somehow. Well, I guess I was wrong and I could have looked forward to it even more xd

I went back home after the computational lecture ended, then packed up my stuff (which was partly packed the nite b4) as quickly as I could. When I thought everything was settled, I realised that my parcel has arrived and I haven't printed my ticket yet. Everything was done in a hurry, and I left home at 2:05 for a 2:15 train.

On the train, I was still kinda calm and had a look thru my notes from class. Then I spent the rest of the time sleeping and imaging how would I feel when I actually meet them at the concert. Would it feel like how it was in my dream? Or would it be something completely different?

I arrived at London and google mapped how should I get to O2 arena cuz hahah I had no idea. Everything went by smoothly and I even managed to follow someone with a "jungkook 98" shirt when I sort of got lost hahaha.

I took pictures of boards that were at the station and made a call to see where Joey is. Joey was already queuing. Lol up till this point, I kinda hoped that I've vlog-ed this. Its gonna be so much fun going back and rewatching everything. Anyways, Joey introduced me to her friends and we went on talking about what we could do inside. She prepared everything for me - like the lightstick, batteries, telling me they wouldn't really go thru my stuff hence its ok if I had a lot of stuff with me lolz

We finally got in and we went up to get some drinks (which I didn't). I said bye to Joey (cuz we sit in different areas) and went to the toilet to change into a black T-shirt I got from Korea (haha I know its an unnecessary fact).

Then, finally, I entered the arena and managed to find my seat. Sadly, on my seat, there's this girl that wanted to sit with her fd and would trade for a seat that's much further away from the stage (honestly wtf). I insisted that I'd like to keep my seat and eventually she gave in.

I then had conversations with her fd (ie the person next to me now) and she went on about how she coped with their concert yesterday at the pit. She seemed to be a really old fan and had went to a lot of the functions in the past. I don't entirely agree but I said nothing hahah (I mean whats the point in arguing - its not like Im gonna see her after this).

The fans were really hyped and they sang fanchants in every MV that came up at the arena. Love to see how the staffs' expressions are hahah - they'd be like wtf BTS is not even here what are u guys on about? Hahah bro I feel u I felt the exact same thing xd

Finally it hit 8pm and the concert is about to start. They came out after a series of promo vids and after a marvellous stage arrangement. It was really hyped and it really lits up your mood. Just imagine someone really calm like me (ie calm during clubbings and all) getting really hyped and stuff hahah~

I was really worried that I could bearly see Jungkook cuz he got injured and might stay at the main stage. BUTTT he actually brought his chair to the extended stage and sat at my side of the stage!!! Don't get me wrong, but I might have saw him better just cuz he was sitting the whole time xd

It's that feeling when something that's on ur screen, on your wall or even in ur dreams (but is somehow non existing in ur life) suddenly was in front of you. I guess I was just 20 steps away from them if there were a platform from my seat to the extended stage. It was so close and you could see their facial expression so clearly. Even tho I couldn't make a heart or anything (cuz its embarrassing), or even get eye contacts, its still like a dream come true.

I could see their little interactions right in front of my eyes, and hear their voices live. All of the members did a magnificent job and I honestly fell in love with every one of their performances. If I did said anything about having a bias and all, its really nothing like that anymore. I like every member and they are all so good looking (omg Jin is sosososososososo handsome I cannot).

Standing for a total of 2 hours but it felt like 15 mins. Every song sounded so much more better live, and seeing them dancing so so close to you. It's a moment when you feel they are actual human beings - not cartoon, not animations.

Jimin's performance actually did hit me - he was so attractive omg!! He also so cute when he looked around to try to interact with any fans that tries to catch his attention!

Jhope, Suga and Rapmon's performances were so lit!! Even tho they were never my favourite, they look so much more better in person!

Jungkook got injuried, so he sat down on a chair the whole time. But his voice was so angelic - and hahah I caught that moment when he forgot to sing a line - cuteeee. His interaction with his hyungs were also adorable - I love how they involved him even tho he couldn't dance, and he also tried to join in the dance even on the chair xdd - the thing is, he is a little conserved and he do not have actual interaction with any of the fans - but that's him and it isn't necessarily a good or bad thing. (btw JK look exactly like in photos and videos and thank god he decided to sit at my side of the stage on the day of my concert)

Jin, as what I've said, is so attractive omg!! He is THE VISUAL - no doubt - he is stunning in person!!

V has his own charm as usual. He also looks exactly the same in phots and vids - and I caught the cute moment when he smiled at JK and start dancing his part hahah he also got "shot" by a fan's heart (I believe) and pretended that he got shot on stage - hahahah so freakin cute

They all had really natural expressions during performances - and you couldn't imagine how could a person look so good in any angle and at any moment - its almost like calculated moves - and they are photogenic at every point of their performances -

What I had to do is to pick out moments that my camera didn't went out of focus or pointing at a wrong angle - they look fab in every single moment - no joke

Ok so the conclusion is I was totally enjoying every moment and did not felt bored at any point of the concert - like not even slightly

I only wish time went by slower cuz I couldn't grasp all the moments that I'd like to record on my phone or to be aware of

So I could tell Jungkook was a bit depressed in general but at least he didn't cry like how he did in the last concert - I really feel bad for him and thank god he didn't perform - I have a feeling I'm gonna be even more depressed cuz I'll miss his performance the most hahah

Anyways then the concert ended and I asked every possible person to send me their vids. But honestly the ending was so sad. I actually felt like crying, but I didn't cuz I stopped myself from anticipating the concert too much in the first place, and therefore the contrast wasn't as great.

Joey was really really depressed and I totally get it. Never thought you'd feel so at lost after you went to a concert you love. Its that feeling that "yeah they're right in front of you but now we had to take that back". Its really hopeless and you suddenly realised they are really superstars.

Its not like I wasn't aware of that fact that they are actual stars, but this reality hit you really hard when youre in a concert. There were so many armys and they wouldn't even know that you've existed. Its sad that they were so close and now you've understood that they are not your fds (even tho they seem like it in vids) but actual stars that are so out of reach. The contrast of being so hyped then falling back down to the bottom of the valley (hhaha its so different to the feeling of riding a roller coaster when going down is the best part).

I love you BTS❤ even tho you'd never know our existence. They are truly remarkable and loved by so many.

So moving on from this sad topic (XD), I met joey on the next day and convinced her to take a pic of me at an enormous wall with a print of BTS poster. I was kinda shy and couldn't really take a good pic until after a couple shots. We then had flat iron and it was a great restaurant - would really want to go again! We then attempt to take pretentious shots (which joey succeeded, and I hahah obviously failed) and had desserts. We then left to catch the train - but Joey lost her Oyster card:( She said something weird would always happen when shes with me ahahha I wonder why xd

Yah so this was my marvellous bday gift - cant explain everything in short sentences, but I was so submerged into bts music right after the concert. You could literally think of nothing, do nothing, but listen to their music and rewatch the videos. I really want to keep the solid memory of the experience I've had at the concert - and pls don't forget it!!

PS I really owe joey a lot cuz she persuaded and helped me to get the ticket. She got a JK fan for me, knowing I'll regret for sure! She knew me too well and at some point in life we do have to live like a teenager when we are teenagers rt? xd

Add-on: OMG so V went to flat iron too - honestly, how could they just walk into a restaurant w/o getting a room or anything, literally, just a table in which anyone could have sat on and anyone could have bumped into them. Sadly he didn’t go to the restaurant I went nor the time I went (I believe) but still happy cuz we had the same food ahahaha

#BTS #BTS JUNGKOOK #BTS V #BTS JIMIN #BTS JHOPE #BTS SUGA #BTS JIN #BTS RM #loadsoflove #fromme #ahahaha #hopetoseethemagain #TT

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1david-rey-blog · 7 years

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MAYBE

I Guess my question is, why not, and when i can still keep on asking then the question is, how do i stop this, how do i stop hurting other, how do i stop from being who i am to be an angle, finally... i dont know the answere, i guess, because my answere always leads to suicide, i have no one to hold onto, and the only person i talk to is 3 hours away from me, the only person i talk to, doesnt want to talk to me anymore, so therefore, i am alone. I remember the day i picked her up from the airport, because she asked me to, i couldnt have felt better. nothing ive ever done before felt so right or so good than to hold her tightly in my arms, feel her nervous body shaking as she huged me back, hold me tight, my arms, were filled with what they could ever be filled with that felt right. i noticed her eyes and skin, flawless freckles runing acros her body like little star spark that ment the world to me, she was the reason to breath in deep and depp out, everything that was ever wron was forgoten and everything that was ever right, was noticed. she did that, she did the best she could and it always worked, i dont know how to explain this to anyone, i guess the most understandable thing to say is that it was simply magic. be it dark be it regular, i dont care i just know she was genuinly the best that could have ever happened to me. I am sure you must be asking yourself who she is, well ill tell you because it beginns when i was 2 years old playing on the ground with a yellow construction truck is one of my earliest memories, i keep it a secret, because the story is to morbid, the door bell rang and my babysiter went to open the door, she was ironing clothes on the ironing table that was some what foulty and on my height, i remember that i craweld up to it and wanted to iron my things, i dont remember the rest, perhabs it was too much suffer for my young brain, but what happened was that the iron fell on my fingers to burn them as bad as it could get, the stroy goes like this she called my mom not knowing what to do, i was brought to the nearest hospital, they couldnt do anything, it was clear to them, that it has gone to be an amputation case, as my mom got to know they would amputate the index, middle and ring finger of my right hand, she cried, but not only did she cry, she decided to not let it happen. my mom remembers the fact that the patient next to me, a girl 6 years old got both her index fingers amputaded, her mom was shaterd into pieces. My Mom, a thriving woman, that was independent since the begining of time, was to become some one very important in the colombian education system, she went thru all her contacts to find out who was making the desicions in the h ospital, the big Boss she found her, the same night and went to her to explain her point, the situation and ofcorse, my mom would want the best solution for her last kid of 3. my operation was planed at 7 in the morning, how ever, no one ever picked me up from my room, the nurse got mad at my mom since she was prepared and ready for the operation, i was writen ill so an amputation was out of question. as my mother decided to tell the doctor to transplant skin from my uper leg to my little fingers, he did so. no one ever knew who wrote me as ill or sick before my Operation, the Boss of the hospital, called at 9, after the OP Due. i was a kid full of energy and good vibe, never would i stop for anyone never would i go down of a tree. at 5 my family decided to move to germany, if youre familiar with the colombian curency you would know how poor we were in europe, and how rich we were in colombia... we were poor, and i dont remember much, just that i got physicaly abused. a lot we grew up as imigrants who faced rasicsm and descrimination, it was when i noticed that my skin was diferent to europeans than to colombians, or south americans... at the age of 12 i got raped by my only best friend, and only friend, my first friend.. while having been bulied in school i found my self into a nerve wrecking despression, i shared my room with my brother back then, it was in the middle of the night and as selfless that i am, i never spoke out to anyone except my therapist, no one ever knew, except those who come later, at 18. at 14 i got my first mountain bike, the porbably most important day i ever had i started to do trials, pop a wheelie, or a jump, i had skills at 15, and a new bike 16 at 17 i told my best friend about what happened when i was 12 but didnt tell her i had to sleep with the lights on, or that i would constantly have nightmares and go to my mothers bed, sometimes, and still found my self needing hugs. at 18 i told my then gf about what happened, but i wasnt taken serious, at 19 i found my self going back into a hole of depression, it was the year i met an important person in my life, who didnt only steal my jacked but also riped 50 euros off of me, and shaterd my vacation in colombia. it was fine thought. at 20 i met the most abusive person that id know, who never layd a hand on me, instead, decided to cut my soul into pieces and throw it away, my selfless body couldnt escape, and so it decided to faint, i was never taken serious and always for granted, i am. alone. at the same year i met my best friend who would know more things than any one ever could, perhabs, i was going to therapy and everything seemed to start make sense, i quited my study to become a physiotherapy, to be who i always wanted to be, an athlete that rides mountain bikes. i broke up with the abusive shit load. and fell inlove with my best friend... she, who i picked up from the airport. my story is not thrilling neither happy, it is made of a series of unlucky events and let me tell you, i dont think luck will ever come. not knowing how to explain my overhtinking date how i could love some one and then fall inlove after, althought i knew both of them at the same time, ment for me that i am loosing the single most important person of my life, especially as she sayd i cant with this. it was just 4 weeks since i conciderd suicide, and drew a box and an arrow pointing out of it stating “life begins at the edge of my comfort” well now, i am there, and i am about to end it, i just found my self with a headache red eyes and tear runing down my face, on a page “50 reasons why you shouldnt kill yourself” and to each and every single one i had the perfect answere to. and sometimes a question. The world doesnt need me, and the world doesnt know me, i remember some one asking me if i believe in desteny and destiny is a lying bitch. so i sayd yes. but not the same as you. this might be my last letter, lets hope its not, i am giving everyone so many hints, so many clues, i dont notice my self i do, but i do i dont know what to do anymore except wait for an ambulance perhabs to save me from an overdose... google is a true friend, some times, but useless when you type in the emergency help tell number, no one ever picks up. today is my sisters birthday, and i feel bad for maybe leaving them for ever behind, after life, is not a thing, there is empty and nothing ever better. it would be the end, the black screen, thoughtless, slefless, lets call it being one with nothing. because thats what i am. nothing. in other words, ending my life would be for me to be one with what i had to become.

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