#I will survive getting hit by a car. drowning. cancer

[assface-berlioz]

with the way this is going bungou stray dogs will conclude in 2080 at seventy years old when everyone wins against the interplanetary alien Homer with the power of gay sex and friendship. and I'll still be reading it. and I will still make stupid theories. I will follow this series to the ends of the earth

[jestershark]

the bombs fell and things were different. well, for about 6 months. Survivors survived, radiation burns and future cancer chances notwithstanding. The air was too sick to breathe. But humans do as humans do, so we covered our windows with lead, then wood, then the market for led screens that looked like the outside exploded. Amazon workers were called back to work, wearing heavy gear that got dropped off at their homes by the US military. Garbage collectors in mostly-radiation proof uniforms picked up garbage from front doors, while everyone else huddled behind layers of plastic wrap and makeshift antechambers.

Things were different, for about six months, for most people. Power was off. Most countries had trucks from the government-run out to feed people-- in the US, you could get food delivered on credit. Some people found themselves starving to death, rather than choking on atomic ash. Some people found themselves restarting a 9-5 grind, wishing the power had stayed off longer.

It was hard to admit that you kinda wanted the apocalypse to be an apocalypse. If the world was supposed to end, you were supposed to be free of obligations-- of work and life stressors. It was supposed to be a shift to the stressors of survival, not a muted combination of the two. Car payments went way down and delivery services skyrocketed.

There were six months of nobody knowing what to do, no infrastructure. There were six months of huddling against the nuclear winter, trying to remember old PSAs or if anything useful came out of video games. Some areas of the country were enough that you could go outside, and in those areas farmers started erecting massive indoor greenhouses, shielded from radioactive poison, preparing to feed people, preparing for things to go back the way it was.

It didn't seem fair that the countries that weren't hit as hard still somehow got the brunt of the nuclear apocalypse, but the west swallowed up lead siding and iodine and radiation suits. Rich people adapted radiation suits for fashion and had a selection of designer lead handbags while kids in the slums of Brazil bore the brunt of the atomic age.

The internet coming back seemed like a gasp of fresh air after drowning-- just knowing some of your family lived took a million tons of weight off. But then came the calls of "back to work." The world might have ended, but capitalism marched on. I wanted to scream-- everything is dead outside, and you have me checking keywords for a spot cream site. How to mask radiation burns trended on tiktok. "Top ten things Fallout got RIGHT?! about the bomb!" was on the front page of YouTube.

My little cousin was visiting me just before the drop, and couldn't go home, even as things opened up. My little cousin, me, my roommate, her shitty boyfriend-- ex, over the course of six months stuck inside, but we couldn't very well push him outside to his death. Two bedrooms. And the back to school movement started up again too, my cousin's teacher, dying of radiation sickness, trying to drum up entertainment from algebra as clumps of her hair fell out.

The first news we got after the bombs fell was hopelessly naive. We're all in this together, they said. Of course, we weren't though. New narratives about finishing the fight started cropping up, even though it turned out the apocalypse was simply an apocalyptic mistake. A rogue bit of user experience, a few rusted safety measures, and the end of the world happened because the federal government didn't upgrade to Microsoft Edge.

Of course we weren't all in it together. The internet blared on about ending the Ruskies for once and for all while gofundmes filled up with people begging to be transported to the few hospitals that survived. Brave men and women risked their lives to rebuild the world and then got sold fish oil supplements to deal with the radiation.

The apocalypse was exciting for the powerful, dull for the middle class, and apocalyptic for the rest. And yet, it was still dull. How can you be dying and bored? How fair is that? Daydreams about being able to smash your shift supervisors face with a hammer gave way to daydreams about being able to quit, retire. "Not enough people for anyone to retire," the pundits say, as I write another row of data nobody wants about a product nobody needs.

The world is ended, or ending, or will end, all at once, so tediously and unfairly that it feels like drowning in air. Roommate's boyfriend teaches my cousin how to play soccer, almost knocking over the bucket of clean water we got allocated for the next week. The kid has school in the morning and hasn't seen a kid his age forever. We can hear our neighbours through the walls. They had a newborn a few weeks ago. Their dog yowls to be let outside.

I watch a municipal service man collapse in front of my house. His coworker wordlessly loads him into the back of their truck. Must've gotten used to that, after the first clear-out effort.

Some people say "this is societal collapse" and some say "this is just the beginning of a new way of living" and some people say "this is how I used the end to renew my #brand" and some people say "they're working hard out here, so we have to work hard too, Sales Team!" and some people bemoan their lack of vacation and some people die. And that's the apocalypse. Tragic, desperate, boring.

[cosmoshunger]

SGE characters as things my friends have said (again)

Dot: Hester have you been secretly Satan this whole time?

Hester: ...yes, why do you ask?

Dot: No reason.

Hester: I’m so confused do y’all have a group chat where you discuss whether your friends are demons or not??

Dot:

Dot: We do now.

***

Anadil: Do you ever say “same” when it doesn’t even make sense?

Anadil: Because I just watched a bird get hit by a car and I said “same”

Dot: Same

Hester: Same

***

Anadil: Not like other girls?

Anadil: I am other girls

Anadil: We’re a hive mind

***

Tedros: *choking on his food*

Hester, picking up a knife: Do you want me to finish you off?

***

Anadil: Do you ever think about how much more fun school photo day would be if you were a snake?

Anadil: “smile for the camera!” *slowly unhinges jaw*

***

Tedros, singing: Fly me to the the sun and let me burn myself alive

Agatha: Are you ok???

Anadil, singing from the other room: Make sure there is no possible way I could survive

***

Hester: What do you want for your birthday

Tedros: Emotional stability

Hester: I meant something possible for you

***

Tedros: I have been trying to bake a cake for five hours and it still looks like cement

Dot: Have you tried cooking it

(And, the sequel:)

Tedros: What if I just lie down and pour all the batter into my mouth and just slowly suffocate to death

Dot: Honestly sounds like heaven

Dot: In more ways than one

***

Hester: Check out my new sandals

Tedros: Your legs are pale as hell

Hester: yOUR BODY IS SMALL AS HELL

***

Sophie: You are so stupid your brain is so small you tiny small brain man

Tedros: Imagine if I didn’t care about your opinion

Sophie: Imagine if I didn’t care about you

Tedros: Imagine saying you don’t care and then carrying on texting me

Sophie: Imagine being ugly

Tedros: We are such an iconic duo

Sophie: I have never agreed with anything more in my life

***

Anadil: I’m trying to ask for eyelash pics without being creepy what has my life come to

***

Mona: Yo I got my hair cut and dyed what do you think?

Vex: Looks like millionaire shortbread I love it

Ravan: In the nicest way possible you look like a young Victorian boy

Mona: Welcome to compliments 101 with the Never squad

***

Willam: Oh sorry I just called you by accident!

Hester: No worries

Chaddick: Wait since when does Hester say “no worries”

Hester: Well he wouldn’t have shut up apologising if I didn’t

Willam: I’d feel insulted if that wasn’t absolutely true

***

Chaddick: Help how do I get out of swimming lessons

Hester: Drown

***

Hester: Wouldn’t it be so funny if your zodiac sign was a Cancer and you got killed by a giant crab

Kiko: I’m a Cancer :(

Anadil: Well everyone’s got to have at least one flaw

***

Beatrix: Imagine Beatrix x Reader fanfic

Chaddick: what

Anadil: POV I’m the reader

Chaddick: w h a t

Beatrix: As if you wouldn’t be the author Chaddick

Chaddick: w   h   a   t

[sammyisfat]

To anyone who sees this post will see it as a bunch of clothes.

But since last March all I have wanted to do was die, I mean I’ve felt that way for a long time my whole life actually. But last March I was supposed to launch my social media marketing firm. It was just going to be be me. But I was so proud of getting my diploma and getting amazing grades all year. I worked hard. I went to school and killed my self working for Nespresso and doing events and shifts back to back.

March was supposed to be my year where I won. But Covid hit and every contract I had lined up ended up ending because their businesses had to close indefinitely. Nespresso had to let me go because you can’t serve beverages in a pandemic.

So, I was left with nothing. Then I found a job with an airline. It was small but I was convinced if I worked hard enough I could move to the marketing department. Even though I did not have that wardrobe.

But my chronic pain and mental health drained me. Having people tell me I should kill myself because our company was doing travel vouchers not refunds drained everything I had. But I had steady pay, flight benefits, and health benefits.

Then I got laid off and every few months they’d say not yet. As they posted new job listings for my position. Which was their way of creating new jobs and therefore deserving of a bailout.

Living in limbo killed me to be honest. Then dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. And he ended up in the hospital almost dead.

Then in the fall, I got told I wasn’t coming back to my job. And the same day I was in a car accident. Minor but it did mess up my neck and I hit my head.

I’m in the process of going for speech therapy because I often struggle with speaking, especially when I get overwhelmed. I can’t pronounce words and my brain becomes white noise. And they want to test me for ADHD and reassess my mental health diagnosis post car accident.

But those things with my chronic pain make me become unreliable. I can’t be focused, helpful, or even take care of my own baseline needs let alone, be a good employee.

I window-shop because I’m lonely, and I dream of a life where I can afford clothes like this. And I can go to brunches with friends, or celebrate milestones.

But I am so mentally ill and trying to survive off $1000 a month for rent, food, bills, and meds. It’s depressing. I’m sad I can’t live up to my potential. I’m sad I will never get to be the girl who can buy these things and have places to wear them. I’m sad that I feel like I’m in the middle of the ocean, and I can’t see the shore. I’m drowning and I don’t know if a life raft will ever come by.

[culturedsociety]

Culture Talks with Carolyn Blackmon

Carolyn, in English meaning Joy and Song of Happiness.

Over the last decade she’s been on a journey of healing and transformation. It’s been Incredible to look back and see how beauty does actually flourish through the ashes. What happened in her life; most definitely was birthed out of struggles, hardships, loss, depression, despair, and hopelessness. Looking back at her experiences and being In complete awe because of it. Her faith and belief in God changed when she realized that “the Creator Is ultimately in control and has the ability to take what Is broken and make It brand new.”

Her life verse Is Isaiah 61:1-3 “The spirit of the sovereign Lord Is upon me because the Lord has appointed me to provide for those who grieve, to bestow on them a crown of beauty Instead of ashes, the oil of gladness Instead of mourning, and a garment of praise Instead a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the lord for the display of his splendor.”

In her early twenties, she was extremely lost. Battling a severe eating disorder, alcoholism, depression, and sadness. She worked and pursued many things to distract herself from reality and to try to fill voids. The more destruction that she caused to her body, mind, and spirit’ the harder life became. One day after a big awakening, she had to make the choice and ask herself the hard question “Carolyn Do you want to live?” She knew at that very moment; she was not living, she was just surviving. 

She made the bold decision to pack her car and move alone from WI to AZ. The land of the sun became a place of healing for her. She found yoga there. She began her vegan plant based eating, and learned to nourish her body again after starving it for so long of vital nutrients it needed to thrive. She found joy through volunteering and serving. She found god again and was re-baptized. But most importantly, found her self again.

Reflecting back to Fall of 2015 when she lost her best friend and mother to Cancer. It was as though her entire world and perspective changed about the value and gift that each day offers. She started to travel more and continued doing mission work that her mother supported the few years before she passed. She began seeking more and wanting more lead to healing the parts of her that were still broken.

In 2017, she traveled to Hawaii for her first yoga teacher training; which led her to step into a more passion and purposed filled path. This became a daily mission and allowed her the ability to circulate her gifts more responsibly. Her hope is to bless lives and help others heal, love, grow, and live their best life. To inspire them to live a life that brings an Abundance of joy, fulfillment, and higher purpose.

Take a deep dive into Carolyn’s mind:

RM: What is your Life’s Philosophy? CB: (Philosophy is an overall vision or attitude toward life and the purpose of it. Human activities are limited by time and death). I believe that we were all created in the image of God and we are each placed on Earth with our own individual and unique purpose. We are here to connect with nature, humans, animals, and to enjoy all of what God has created. We are here to not only soak in the beauty and light and spread it to others but to also use the darkness (whether it be our own struggles, lessons learned, trails, pain, suffering, etc) and use it to Glorify God? What does that mean? To use the wisdom gained, lessons learned, and the power of our testimony and story to shine the light of awareness upon all giving birth to Hope and helping others receive the healing power of Forgiveness.

RM: How has that philosophy evolved over the years? CB: Yes. I tell people that there was a line I drew that separated my old life and my new life. My old life included a long season of walking down the wrong path that ultimately was leading me down into hole. When I fell on my knees and surrendered and “woke” up. It hit me that I wasn’t living the life God planned for me. I was doing many things that I do believe helped me grow and get educated and led me to where I am today. I was drowning in depression, shame, low self esteem, and I didn’t practice self love.

Moving to AZ was the acceleration I needed to begin my rebirth process. I began serving others and finding joy in giving back for it made me realize that others had it harder than myself. I had a lot to be grateful for that I took for granted. Fast forward a few more years and I lost my Beloved Mother to Cancer. It made me realize that there is no time to waste. We are not promised tomorrow. We have a responsibility. Going through that loss changed my perspective on life and our time here on Earth.

I felt urgency. I felt my calling knocking on the door. I had to loose to gain so much more. I feel that my philosophy included being a good person, and working for what you want was so general….but over the years it’s evolved and things have been added and my life’s philosophy has gotten so complex. Creation. Calling. Service. Travel. Community. Collaboration. Healing. Purpose Filled Life

RM: How has your upbringing and circle of influence impacted the way you live and think about life today? CB: I grew up in a loving Christian home. My family members on both sides had good morals in their and the way they lived their lives was simple and consistent. I spent a lot of time in the Church. My parents Marketing business taught me so much as a young adult and I really absorbed a lot of it. My Grandpa Bood was my giver of Wisdom.

My circle of influence has really shifted in the last few years to be non-family members. Those that are where I want to be and who are doing what I am doing in their own way with their own talents. My circle of influence has been students, strangers, people I have met on travels, social media, and those that are in my tribe. It’s interesting to see how my relationships have changed and the type of people I have attracted and also been gravitated towards has changed as I have evolved and transformed and grown. My inner work has changed the way I function in relationships and I am still exploring how to have healthy boundaries as one who tends to be naïve, vulnerable, and who pours her heart and soul into everything.

RM: Do you believe that your line of work infects our society with positivity? How so? CB: When I am doing my work as a yoga instructor I try my best to step into the spaces where I am Leading classes and spread good energy that is uplifting and positive but I also know that people arrive on their mat with all different things that they are struggling with and going through and I never want to diminish that. I try to share themes that are relevant and helpful and inspiring because I really want everyone who interacts with me to leave with something that they can take with them. When they gain and grow and are blessed then so am I.

When I nanny and work with kids they give me an abundance of Joy and so I always try to pour back into the parents and thank them for the opportunity to enter into their home and spend time with them. I’ve worked jobs where felt like at the end of the day I was complaining about what I had to deal with or contend with and then I would wake up in a bad mood and that’s really a horrible cycle. I am thankful grateful that I am now an Independent Contractor and get to choose who I work with so that makes it easier but aside from that we all have a choice to make in regards to our attitude!

RM: How do you stay relevant, unique, and true to who you are as a person? CB: Let go of Comparison. It’s interesting because over the years as I became more at rest and confident in who I was and accepting of who God created me to be it made it easier to accept my path which is a lot different than many as well as accept my timeline which was not what I anticipated. I have started to become more of my own person….my tendencies and quirks have come to the surface unapologetically. Yes I am still Single…Yes I get excited over the Big Bowl Of Greens I eat everyday. My music selection changes drastically with my Mood. I could care less about TV and Material items….and I could go on and on.

The morning ritual I do sets the tone for my day. I tap into a passage or quote and scripture that I need to tell myself it’s like a treasure hunt and I get my coffee fix and take the time I need for myself and that way I’m more grounded and not shaken up or swayed or torn up by whatever may come at me and I feel that has given me the opportunity to respond better and hold my ground and keep healthy boundaries. I use to operate on not enough sleep and being stressed and hurried and then I would cave in to many things that ultimately didn’t serve myself or others well.

RM: Do you believe that the work you do everyday is aligned with your calling and higher purpose? CB: Absolutely and I want more and I am committed to continue to learn and grow and gain a deeper understanding and have more knowledge in the realm of yoga. The more spaces and places I enter and the more people that I connect and collaborate with the more lives I can touch and the more inspired I will be. This last year I started to share my content on a podcast and that was something I never imagined I would do and for a girl that use to be incredibly shy I never thought I would be on the stages I am on. It blows my mind and I am soooo appreciative.

What practices do you implement to stay grounded and divinely connected to self? CB: Guided Meditation. Yoga Nidra. Yoga. Nature. Travel. Writing. Music. Sharing wisdom with the world. Dancing. Music. Balance Healthy Clean Eating. Sharing Feelings and openly communicating with my support system. Spending a lot of time alone, while remaining connected with others.

Connect with Carolyn: Facebook Instagram

Collaboratively Written by: Carolyn Blackmon and Rebecca Muñoz

Grow this Channel & Circulate the energy of LOVE by donating: Paypal Cash app Venmo

[onisiondrama]

(Note: I’m not repeating stories he’s told before and just putting them in parenthesis. I have a lot more videos to go until I’m caught up so that would save me a lot of time. If he gives details I never heard from him before, I will type those.)

“Is Onision A Dad? (+ Story With Onision's Father)“ October 12, 2020 Speaks

James says in the past he’s said he’ll never talk about being a father because the internet is crazy. They called CPS on them 3 or 4 times and every time CPS found that they were really good parents. They are responsible, take care of their kids, show them compassion, don’t hit them, listen to them, hug them when they cry, and you try to give them a better childhood than you had.

(Allegations against his father)

Says his childhood was not awful, but it lacked a lot. He did not have a male role model to look up to that was consistent in his life. He believes most of his problems comes from his childhood.

When he thinks about raising another human being, he thinks it’s important to give them a structurally sound environment so they don’t have an excuse to wind up damaged by something not beyond his control.

Says he was watching Christopher Titus talk about children and he said every parent he talked to regretted having kids. James asks if they knew what they signed up for? He says of course they’ll cry and you’ll have to spend a lot of money feeding them. They’re a financial burden and they’re going to cost you you’re time. That’s your responsibility. His mind is blown that they’re acting like parenthood is a curse.

Says he had a nephew who broke his femur and he was like “how could you let that happen? That’s insane. You must have been so neglectful.” His cousin told him, “just wait.” He says it was kind of like his cousin cursed him. (His found his daughter after she fell out of a 2nd story window story.)

He says he feels like a failure in keeping his child safe. If he could go back, he would have not worked so late that night. He still works a lot to pay the bills. When he found her, he thought she was not going to survive, but once the doctor told him the details he knew she would be fine.

He says he refers to himself as “Dr. James” because of instances like (he refused exploratory surgery for his son story.) He says his common sense was more than the doctor’s 18 years of medical training. If you disagree with him, your conclusion results in a child pointlessly cut open. Says it’s horrifying some doctors do this, but it’s reality.

(Refused down syndrome test story.) He says even if their child had down syndrome, it was past the point of pregnancy termination and they would have not wanted to terminate because people with down syndrome deserve love and to be raised. He says he’s a very virtuous person with common decencies. He asked what the point of the test was if it was too late to terminate? She told them it’s for peace of mind. He says he lost it and went full rant on the two women who were trying to potentially kill their baby with a needle. Their kid doesn’t have down syndrome, but if he did they would still take photos of him playing in the park like all other parents do.

He says one of the leading causes of death in our country is medical error. He says that’s because it’s un-natural and you’re cutting people open. Scalps don’t grow on trees. It’s helpful if you have cancer, but if you don’t know what’s going on you should step back and take a breath.

(More of the rash / refuse surgery story. He keeps name-dropping the doctor and where he worked.) He concludes he’s a very protective father. He says his life is nothing compared to theirs. He exists to make their lives better. 

He says when they got to the new hospital their new doctor was Asian. He has a natural assumption that Asian doctors are more balanced and smart. Doctor says it was a rash. (He smacks his deck and stares at the camera.) He says people online gaslight him and question his intelligence, but when he makes decisions they benefit people. In this instance he saved his son from an unnecessary surgery. He was so glad he was there because Kai isn’t the type of person to throw down. Kai would have let them put in that needle and potentially kill his kid. Kai would have been walked all over by the doctor and let the explorative surgery happen. Says he fought for his kid and he won and his son is better for it. Says full disclosure, from that point on he looked at his kid as a drama queen. He was screaming so much over a rash they went to the ER and they almost did surgery on him. He didn’t say this to his son, but he was thinking it.

James says when he had his first kid, Kai was part of a mom group. People were talking about getting divorced. Kai told him 8 or 9 out of 10 people get a divorce after having a kid. He says having a kid isn’t that stressful. It strengthened their bond when they had one. People came and went who tried to ruin their marriage and they all failed at homewrecking. It’s difficult get him to leave his family when he loves his kids. If his life is inferior to his kids, why would his love life be superior. He says people approach them and try to get him to leave Kai or Kai to leave him and they haven’t been successful so far. They have a foundation built on loyalty to their kids. It’s programed into people, but some people don’t have it. Like his father, he had the opposite. According to an article he tried to sue James, but couldn’t because James never said his name. James says he remembers saying his name so if he wants to sue him down the line, that says who he is as a parent.

(His mom tried to sue to see his kids story.) He says his mom called Kai a “tranny” and said he was invalid because he came out in his 20′s and breastfeeds. He says Kai breastfed because the kids need milk, but he plans on getting top surgery once they don’t need it anymore. One of the kids still breastfeeds. His mom refused to date a guy because he slept with a man before. She said he was attractive and she really liked him, but she wouldn’t date him. He says she’s phobic on every level and she lies to his face.

He wants to be honest and accepting with his kids. He wouldn’t call their spouse what she called Kai. Kai was crying about it and his mom said “good. I’m glad he’s crying.” (he’s doing a texting gesture while he’s quoting her.) He asked his mom about Caitlyn Jenner. His mom wouldn’t say anything ill about Caitlyn Jenner, but still attacked Kai. He thought it was mean because he gave her a house for free. He tried to buy it back and she wouldn’t let him even though she previously said she would give it back for free. Says there’s a lot of bad blood with his parents. If his kid ever gave him a house he would be grateful. He says his mom could visit his kids, but he didn’t want her driving them around because she does drugs.

He says this all reflects on their parenting. His mother-in-law asked if she could drink wine while watching their son when he was a very young baby. He said no. He holds everyone to the same standards. He kicked people out of their life for lying and doing drugs. They went on Hansen and acted like he was a monster. No one gives him compassion for that, he was protecting his kids from drugs. The internet believed the drug addict, criminal, liars.

He doesn’t put anyone over his status as a parent. He says lots of families experience tragedies. He saw a 10 year old that was playing with other kids at a family event. The next family event he found out he was dead. He drowned in a pool or a river. He didn’t think the parents were incompetent, he thought it was a horrible tragedy. He immediately thought their pain must be so severe.

He has a cousin whose kid was on a feeding schedule and the kid was bawling for breastmilk. He thought that was insane. The baby is crying because they need to be fed. The most basic of common sense. The baby died of SIDS. He doesn’t know if it’s related, but as a parent you can’t think you screwed up and hate yourself forever. He says if a kid drowned while the mom was shooting up heroin, that’s clear incompetence. If he was voting or paying his taxes when something happened, you can’t say he’s a monster. You can say he was in the wrong place and that sucks, even if he was 10 feet away. It’s awful and you’re not an innocent party because it could have been prevented, there’s that guilt. There was something very specific you’re supposed to do and it seems your kid starved to death or was nutrient deficient. When they went to the funeral, she talked about how Jesus had a plan and taking care of the kid. He says he never heard her talk about religion in his life. It’s just a scapegoat to make people feel better and so they can live with themselves.

He doesn’t know how he knew his kid was outside when she fell. He still doesn’t know what that metal scraping sound that sounded like a toy car on the garage door. His daughter was a few feet away and couldn’t even reach the door. She barely made any noise. He was so lucky he had his headphones off at that specific time. When you survive a tragedy, you don’t feel woe is me. You say thank god we survived that. He’s not going to sit here and say it was part of some plan. He thinks god or angels are more of a clean up crew than a protector. He thinks god can only influence how to fix it or help. What kind of god lets the holocaust happen and give an 8 year old cancer? He thinks there are subtle miracles.

Says we are programed to love our own unconditionally. If your kid stabbed you in the chest, you ask what you did wrong for them to do that. You don’t blame your kids. There may have been a chemical imbalance, but you have to blame yourself. When he sees his kids he sees a smaller version of himself and it scares him. He sees the vulnerability and how many scary things can ruin his life or her life.

He thinks about how he was abandoned as a kid by his dad and his perversions. His dad didn’t try to apologize to the people he hurt or work it out with his mom. He said I’m fine the way I am and screw my family. He blamed everyone and didn’t take responsibility. When his uncle threatened his dad if he came near the family, his dad said he would do the same thing so he knows how bad he is. Instead of talking to his son, he went to a newspaper. Three victims were abused by him. He loves himself more than his kids.

He says they found out his father had a child out of wedlock. He’s the father to a Somoan woman who is much bigger than he is. He says it looks really silly and they don’t look alike. His father didn’t tell them about his other family. 3 of 4 of his kids don’t talk to his father anymore.

A lot of parents only think of themselves and their ego. He thinks it’s a suicide prevention mechanism. When you’re awful, the species programs you to justify your existence.

(Beat up his dad story) He says that, speeding on the highway, and running a red at 2 am are the only crimes he’s committed. He got pulled over for running the red on his way to Tinker Air Force Base and paid a fine.

He doesn’t understand why people think having kids is a burden. He doesn’t understand why people go against their programing. He doesn’t have a mom or dad who loves him unconditionally. He gave his mom a house and she still doesn’t have unconditional love for him.

He wants to lead by example and share his stories. He think he’s at the point of surpassing so many things and up t this point he already gave his kids a better life than he had. They were never hit like he was as a child. They don’t have a stepdad that makes them pray “I love you satan” to the TV, or does drugs around them, or tape a dead duck to a dog’s neck, or shoots that dog for attacking a child. They don’t have a mom that forces you to round up your geese to be sold for potential slaughter because doesn’t agree with you having them and she doesn’t want to take care of them.

He says he might be hated by his young one day because the standard now is probably low. The mistakes he makes, they might grow to say they’ll be better than their father. Then their kids, etc.

If you regret having your kids, you need therapy. You’re going to set them on a path for only caring about themselves. You have to teach your kids to be kind to animals, kind to each other, respectful of people they love. He knows people who had healthy, functional parents and they turned out to be the coolest people. He is painfully damaged as a human being because of what he went through as a child.

You signed up for having kids, so act like it. They’re not a burden or curse. They’re a gift. When you have kids, you’re going to feel love and happiness like you never felt in your whole life. Your view of the world changes and you realize what you did in your life up to that point was meaningless.

He says he’s going to try to only upload new videos once his other videos hit a certain amount of views so he can focus on other things. He doesn’t want to invest in a sinking ship.

He says don’t buy people houses because they won’t appreciate it. You’ll just dump a quarter of a million dollars and they’ll just roll their eyes. He says he used to have a fantasy of buying everyone in his family a new house or pay off their mortgage when he made it big on Youtube. His mom destroyed that fantasy. He gives, but never stopped to think what have they given you? A lot of people who complained about him publicly were given tens of thousands of dollars of stuff by him.

He has a friend, McFly, who always shows up to his Twitch streams and gives him tons of bits. In return, he bought her a $50 gift certificate for a video game and a couple other games at other points. She also gave him a costume. That’s what real friends are.

He hopes you learned a lot from this video.

[dustinjohnson1981]

my first post

This is my first and maybe only post. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’ve been homeless for 3 months and it doesn’t seem like anyone cares. I’ve tried reaching out for help with shelters, churches, and even government programs and haven’t been able to get any assistance. Shelters won’t help cause I have an 11 year old pit bull dog that I’ve had since she was a few months old. She’s the sweetest dog you will ever meet, but because she’s a pit bull, there’s that stigma that she’s aggressive, which she isn’t. I’m no saint, and I’m not here to try and lead anyone on to thinking that I am, but I am a good person. I’m just an ordinary person, trying to get through this hell we call life. I have a couple people I call friends, but in reality, we’re more acquaintances that have just known each other for like the past 16 years. Maybe I’m just too different from the rest of humanity, but I would do just about anything to help a friend out if they were in my position, but my “friends” don’t want anything to do with me. I feel like I’m a burden and think I would be better off dead. I definitely don’t have any reason, any purpose for living, I’m just a waste of human existence. I’m not really into religion, at least definitely not the go to church every week type, and lately, about all my faith in God is me cursing at him for making me homeless, if God is even real. So of course religious people jump at me for those comments saying it’s the Devil, not God. I’m like, ok, if it’s the Devil, and he was one of God’s angels, why does he allow the Devil to exist still? God is suppose to be all powerful, all knowing, all loving, but he lets humanity suffer here on Earth. Religion will say I was created in the image of God, and that he already knows everything that is going to happen before it happens, so first, it’s like what in the hell was God smoking when he created me the way I am and then knew I was going to end up homeless and contemplating suicide. I never asked to be born, to be raised in an abusive family. I am thankful that at 39 now, I had the common sense to tell myself when I was 8 years old I will never have a wife of children of my own, so that way I won’t risk repeating the cycle of abuse. I feel like whether it is God, or just bad genes in science talk, I definitely got the short end of the straw. Being 5′5 sucks for height when women seem to want tall guys. And I definitely don’t have the skills for social interactions, probably why I’ve never had a girlfriend. I always end up in the friend zone. I compare my attributes to that of Danny DeVito in the movie, Twins, with Arnold Schwarzenegger. If you haven’t seen that movie, I recommend watching it, it’s a good movie. I wonder where I went wrong in life to end up homeless. I grew up being good with numbers, so always thought I was going to be an accountant, but was never good at anything else in school and really hated going. Tried my luck in college and that was a complete waste of time, can’t write 3-5 page essays for English, so was never able to finish my AA degree. I was always a fan of WWE wrestling growing up and that was like my dream to be a wrestler, but again, being short and untalented and uncharismatic, that was never going to happen. I can say I at least tried for it though, trained for almost 2 years before getting a minor tear in my shoulder.  I have no real skill set when it comes to work, I’ve spent my entire life working in warehouses through staffing agencies. Not being good is an understatement when it comes to job interviews. No matter how much I try and prepare for the questions, I always just freeze up like a deer in headlights. I hate working in warehouses to begin with, companies just treat employees like slaves, especially if you’re through an agency. They literally need no reason to end your assignment, so if they just look at you and decide they don’t like you, you aren’t going to last very long, that or they’re going to have you do the lowest type of work they have and force you to want to quit. They make you work 12 hour shifts days a week and only want to pay you minimum wage or slightly above that while as a company they make millions of dollars. And they do this to employees year round, regardless of weather conditions. So during summer, when it’s 102 degrees outside and your in a truck loading or unloading, it’s going to be like 110-115 degrees inside that truck and same in winter times, when it’s cold outside, it’s even worse inside, especially if you’re on a forklift, cause now you’re driving up and down lanes pulling pallets and you’re feeling the freezing wind as you drive. So I haven’t worked in about 2 weeks now and not sure when my next assignment will come, or if I’ll even take it. Obviously I need to so I can have money for food for my dog and myself, but it’s so depressing that I have nothing to show for my life. I’m in and out of motels these 3 months of being homeless, my checks barely cover the cost for a week at a motel. So my other bills don’t get paid, or if they do, their constantly being late. Having around $45,000 in bills/debts ain’t fun neither. I don’t even know why I made an account here and am writing this, I doubt anyone will read this and even less likely I will get any help. I’ve heard of Tumblr, but never really knew what it was. I only just found out after watching the Netflix documentary on Elisa Lam. When I have friends that won’t help, family that put me in this situation, why would complete strangers want to help me. I’ve tried GoFundMe and have had absolutely no luck there, I feel like you have to have a huge friend base on social media for that site to work. You post to your friends who share to others and so on and hopefully get people to help whatever the cause that person posted about, so for me, that just was a waste of time. Same with Twitter and TikTok, people respond how they feel bad for me but I can’t get anyone to want to help me with finding a job and a place to live. I can’t rent anyways, as I found out in December after applying to several places and being rejected, my grandmother put something called a judgment on my background so when apartments run a check and that pops up, they immediately decline my application. And renting a room isn’t an option neither as people don’t want my dog. I just feel hopeless and defeated in life and don’t see a reason to go on. I was just reading about the horrific car pile up accident in the Fort Worth, TX area the other day and feel bad for all those people, but at the same time, wish I was one of the six that died so that I could be gone from this world. Same if I could, I would gladly trade places with a child that’s dying from cancer or even if it was for one more day, trade with an someone’s parent, so that they could have that one extra day to tell that parent how much they love them before the parent passes. To be unloved in life, to feel completely invisible and unnoticeable to everyone around is one of the worse feelings I think you can have, and that’s how I feel everyday of my life. I don’t know why I keep hoping my life is going to get better, reality is it only ever gets worse by each passing day. And I don’t fear suicide or death in general, for me, it’s the pain I’ll endure in those final moments that scare the hell out of me. Like slitting my wrist or throat and bleeding out, or drowning. All the things that probable flash through your mind as your body reacts and obviously goes into fight or flight mode and tries to survive. Even jumping off a building or a bridge and watching yourself fall to your death, the panic you probable feel of how much pain you will feel when you hit the ground or get hit by a truck, or taking a gun and pulling the trigger, hoping that the bullet goes through exactly the way needed so that you hopefully don’t feel a thing as you fall to the floor dead. To me, it’s the process of dying that’s scary, not death itself. Death itself is mercy, I no longer will feel any pain, physical, emotional, psychological or any other way. Just nothingness, much how I feel my life is. 

[hunterenough]

I am Dean.

I am Dean. I’ve identified with the character essentially since the show aired. We’re about the same age, both oldest siblings, and we’ve both had a lot of responsibility thrust on us that we just had to learn to handle. We’ve learned to stuff down what we feel because it’s our job to get shit done, and most of the time, feelings just get in the way. We love deeply, but most people think we’re unfeeling because after 30 odd years of boxing shit up, we’re damned professionals at it.

Right about the time the show started, I’d dropped out of graduate school and was living back at home while I worked up enough cash to find a place of my own. There was very little about my life that I felt was my own, and it was very much like being back in high school. All of the things that I’d learned about myself in the years I was away were erased, and I was very much trying to act like the person everyone thought I still was. I think Dean was the same, that each time he was out on his own, he learned a little more about who he actually was, and that each time they came back together, he had to act like nothing had changed, like he was still the perfect little soldier his dad had raised. I had to act like the quiet book-smart girl my family knew. But we knew, Dean and I, what we were hiding from the world in those moments. For Dean, I think it was a recognition of grey areas, an understanding of what love really could mean, how different his life could be.

I was a lot less successful at hiding it in the long run. I didn’t come out to my family intentionally. My dad happened to come home from work early one day, and found me napping with my then girlfriend. Shit hit the fan, I was essentially kicked out of the house, and wound up living with my girlfriend. I’m really lucky. It was a pretty smooth transition, and my brothers were incredibly supportive. It took nearly a year, but my parents eventually realized that having a queer daughter was not the end of the world, and they’d rather have me in their lives than not. It wasn’t perfect, but I’ll give them every bit of credit for learning to not only accept me, but to show that they had never stopped loving me. My mom even tried to explain that they just didn’t know how to talk to me about it at first. That relationship ended, not well really, but that didn’t matter, life went on.

I met my husband-to-be the same year Dean met Cas. I won’t pretend we danced around starting a relationship like they did, but I think Dean and I had a pretty similar approach. I performed my role as a new girlfriend the way I figured people thought I should. I held hands and we kissed in public. Honestly, that’s not how I’d ever been in a relationship before. I’m not huge on touching in general, less so in public, but nobody had ever seen me in a relationship with a guy, and, after everything, I just didn’t feel like trying to explain myself again.

Performing is exhausting. When I realized that this guy was important, that I really might want him around long term, it felt even more so. Again, I’m lucky because when i started to let my mask slip, this guy fell in love with the real me too. Our relationship settled into a comfortable safe space, and I was happy. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, but at the end of the day, he was always there for me.

Dean, I think, had that with Cas. Regardless of their “relationship” status, whether they were best friends or something more, Cas was Dean’s safe place. He was the person that knew all of his weaknesses and flaws and still chose to stand by his side.

Fast forward to season 12. A lot happened in those years, both for Dean and for me. Honestly though, this is where Dean and I found our next huge plot of common ground. In 2017, my husband was diagnosed with cancer. I watched Dean wrap Cas for his funeral pyre while I was sitting in a hospital room next to my husband who was hooked up to IV’s in his arm and a central port in his chest. I completely understood the stoicism of the act. Our practicality and sense of duty serves us well when our world is going to shit. Dean turned to drinking, I learned exactly how to be responsible for my husband’s at home care. I’ll never be able to explain how well I understood exactly what Dean was feeling when he met Billie. I didn’t want to die, but honestly if it was my time, then so be it. I’m not suicidal, never have been, but I didn’t have a lot of fight left in me after I lost my husband.

Now, to the end of Season 15. I think Dean’s characterization after Cas was taken was spot on, but I can say that primarily because nearly all of what we saw was him with others. Remember, we’ve had years of practice stuffing our feelings down, doing what needs to be done, and acting fine.

I held my husband’s hand while he died. I did exactly what I promised him I would and told him I loved him and that everything would be okay. (We’ll get back to how much that part of the finale kicked the shit out of me in a bit.)  

When he was gone, in the living room of our house mind you, because that’s what he wanted, I got shit done. I called his nursing service to report his death, called the funeral home to retrieve his body, and started notifying our friends and family. I smoked a pack of cigarettes and kept my shit together because I knew that if i started to cry, I might never stop. I watched the home nurse and the funeral director prep his body and roll it away, sent his mom home, and when I was finally alone, more alone than I’d been in years, I sat next to his bed and cried until I couldn’t breathe.

By the time my brother showed up a couple hours after I’d called to tell him my husband had passed, I was doing the dishes. It was well after midnight at this point. I’d told him I was good, but...he’s my brother, and he knows me. He came with a bottle of whiskey (another thing Dean and I have in common), and sent me to bed after we’d shared a few shots.

The thing that you don’t know, unless you’ve been through it, is that there is a TON of shit that needs to be done after someone dies. I planned a cremation, a memorial, dealt with insurance companies and our mortgage and all of our joint accounts, and by the time all of that was underway, it was time to go back to work.

When someone you love dies, there is an expectation that you’re going to grieve publically. For me, for Dean, that is unacceptable. If we’re weak, if we lean on someone while we’re dealing with our grief, then we’re letting down the people that depend on us to be strong. Yes, that’s a completely acceptable and normal thing for a good chunk of the population, but that’s not who we are. I can honestly say that moving forward with my life was literally the only thing that kept me going.

So, the final two episodes.

I didn’t question for a second that Dean didn’t talk about Cas’ declaration or his sacrifice. I sure as hell didn’t. I didn’t doubt that he’d make a seamless transition back to casework in the same way I went back to my own job. Having a role to perform that I understood and knowing how to act in specific situations made it so much easier for me to push things down. He had to prove to Sam that he was fine for the same reason that I did, so that the people who love us wouldn’t be watching our every move waiting for us to run screaming off the next cliff. My brother, the same one who showed up with whiskey, did essentially the same thing that Sam did. He didn’t push me to talk. He helped me clean all the medical supplies out of the house, made sure my house and car weren’t going to kill me, and texted me weird random memes daily just so I would text him back.

I also didn’t question the empties in his bedroom or the coat in the trunk. In private moments, when no one is around to see, it’s ok to loosen the relief valve on all of the shit that’s been tightly contained. I slept in my husband’s hoodies and emptied my bar. I understood those things. No one knew about the nightmares, and I ignored the fact that I was drowning in a million memories of my husband every day I spent at home.

To me, those things go hand in hand with losing the person you love most. Regardless of whether or not you think that Dean loves Cas romantically, you can’t argue that Cas was his life partner in a way completely different from Sam. Sam is his responsibility, Cas was his choice. He loves them both, just differently.

Disregarding the revival of an old character for no apparent reason and the fact that it was one of John’s old cases, I didn’t struggle with the handling of the vampire scene in the barn either. I don’t believe that Dean would have ever killed himself intentionally. He would have seen it as his responsibility not only to survive, but to live. Cas just died to save him, again, and there’s no way that Dean is going to let that be for nothing. For me, it was finally going to a Supernatural convention and taking a trip to Paris. For Dean, it was Pie Fest in Akron. They drove fifteen hours for pie. Live, don’t just survive.

He didn’t intentionally throw himself at that hunk of rebar. It was a byproduct of doing his job. But, I think, his reaction to it was the most real thing that could have happened. He didn’t want Sam to call an ambulance or try to save him. He didn’t want Sam to do anything but give him permission to stop fighting. He needed to hear that it was ok.

I’ve never been close to my own death. I don’t have that perspective, but in the year and a half that my husband fought cancer, I was taught to understand this moment as well. When we moved to the palliative stage of my husband’s treatment, the part where medical care is no longer about treating the disease but is now focused on providing comfort, we talked about everything. The thing that scared my husband the most was leaving me behind. He worried about how I would deal with my grief, he worried about me being alone, he worried about how I would manage a sixty hour work week and four pets and a four bedroom house and a two hour round trip commute. He didn’t worry about being dead, he worried about me being alive.

The night my husband died, we all knew it was coming. There are a variety of medical indicators, blood pressure changes, muscle changes, and most critically, at the very end, the fucking death rattle. I cannot explain this sound, I hope you never hear it, but you’ll know if you do. So, at the very end, when my husband was fighting for every breath, I held his hand, and I told him I loved him and I told him that everything would be ok. It was my way of telling him that he didn’t have to fight for me anymore, that I would be ok without him. It didn’t have to be true, but he had to hear it. I couldn’t let him die with all of that worry and guilt swirling around in his head.

Hearing Dean ask Sam to tell him it was ok hit me so fucking hard. For me, it was the clearest declaration of his love for Cas that he could have given. He literally looked at his brother, who he has sacrificed his life for in a myriad of ways, and asked for permission not to fight anymore.

Sam did the same thing for Dean that I did for my husband. He recognized that Dean would hold on as long as he could just to make sure that his little brother would be ok once he was gone. He knew Dean was miserable and suffering, so he held Dean’s hand, told him he loved him, and that it was ok. It didn’t have to be true, he just had to say it.

To be honest, I didn’t have a problem with Bobby being the one to welcome Dean to heaven. In fact, I think he was a great choice, regardless of whether or not it was a Covid related decision on the writer’s part. Bobby was his dad, someone he trusted, and was the logical person to let Dean know that Jack had revamped heaven before sending Dean out to do what he had to do to find his peace. I didn’t expect an emotional scene, it would have been out of character for both of them.

I didn’t have a problem with Dean climbing into Baby and just driving. Two years after losing my husband and I still do the same thing when the shit in my brain is moving too fast for me to deal. Baby is home to him, a place he feels comfortable and in control, and driving is the best way he knows to find some perspective.

I didn’t have a problem with the montage of Sam’s life. I thought it was terribly constructed, but the content of it was predictable. Sam stayed true to character and did what he asked of Dean before hopping into the pit. He went out and made himself an apple pie life. I would have been surprised and disappointed if it was anything different.

The thing that made me hate the finale was the end. When Dean turned around on that bridge, what we should have heard was “Hello Dean.” That hug should have been Dean and Cas. Regardless of whether or not you think they shared romantic love, Cas was family, name on the table and all. I didn’t need a love confession, I didn’t need a kiss, I didn’t need some grand romantic moment. I just needed that thank-Jack-you’re-not-stuck-in-uber-hell hug like the one Benny watched in purgatory or that Mary saw after the soul bomb. Dean’s been in heaven for a bit, long enough that Sam could have witnessed this one from the passenger seat with a grin.

There’s no way Dean would have found peace without seeing for himself that Cas was safe, and you’ll never convince me otherwise.

[theshadowofme]

Hello everybody, it’s going to be a long winded one today. I don’t write this looking for sympathy or regret, I write it to pass on a part of my back story to help people understand me and to potentially help others. I will also put this in the first paragraph that this won’t be a pleasant read. For most it will be downright horrifying, and for some, unfortunately, they will completely understand or be able to say, “I’ve seen worse.” So on that note -TRIGGER WARNING...

In my 16 years in policing, I have been to approximately 60 fatal collisions. That is a lot of dead people. And that is solely in collisions. They are not a peaceful way to go. They are violent and destructive scenes that quite often aren’t capable of being understood. While we may understand the physics of what happens, we frequently do not understand the reason behind it. Why was the person speeding? Why did they veer over the centerline? Those are things we never know. Six years ago today was one of those days for me that my mind still has not comprehended.

To set a bit of the back story on this day. 10 days previous I had been up for a ride in the rcmp float plane based out of Prince Rupert. We got to fly the lower Skeena River estuary and over a bunch of the lakes in the area. We saw about 50 sea lions on a gravel bar, got so see all the boats in the harbour. Sounds like a great day at work until you ask the question of why we were up in the plane. Well, the reason was to attempt to locate the body of a person that drove into the Skeena and floated away. This was day one of what I’ve come to call my ten days from hell.

Why my ten days from hell you might ask? On day one we were assisting prince Rupert detachment with a car with a family of three that went into the river. The dad and the daughter drown, but the mom who had just been diagnosed with stage four cancer survived. As we landed at the float plane base, my work phone started ringing, and I was told we had another fatal in Houston, two vehicle, head on collision. It took us four hours to get to the scene. At the scene I considered it to be one of the worse ones I’d ever been to. Five or six days after that, there was an 18 year old kid from prince Rupert that decided he didn’t want to live anymore and drove his car of a 100 ft embankment. This all brings us to what I consider the worse collision I’ve ever been to and day 9.

I am not going to go into great detail of the collision, except to say that it was horrific. It was the only time I have ever seen a vehicle split in half. Lengthwise. Lengthwise. Yes. You read that right. A station wagon got split in half.... Lengthwise. What did it hit? An F150. Think of the forces and speed required to do that. I have posted a link to the news article below. If you have any trauma around collisions, please don’t open it.

While on scene I operated on autopilot. I did my job. Got yelled at by the public and my bosses because I was taking too long. I yelled at a TV crew because they thought they had a right to be in the middle of my scene. All in all it was a bad day for me.

https://www.terracestandard.com/news/update-hwy-16-reopened-near-fatal-crash-site/

This was one scene that I couldn’t comprehend due to the level of destruction and chaos at the scene. As we were photographing the scene, we lifted the blanket off of the driver of the station wagon and a fuzzy orange caterpillar crawled off the body and started trucking through the middle of all this destruction. In all my career, this was the only time I have ever wondered about a higher power and reincarnation. Never answered that one, but to this day, fuzzy orange caterpillars take me right back to that scene and cause me to completely shut down.

The following day, we had to reattend the scene to get some more pictures. The other person who was on scene with me was a person that I supervised. While there I could tell that they was struggling with mentally processing the scene and asked them if they were okay and if they wanted to leave the scene. They replied that they were fine and that they could keep going. Bear in mind that I probably shouldn’t have been there either as I was almost catatonic at this point as well.

Later that evening as I was just sitting down to dinner with my family, I got a phone call from that member asking for my help as they had completely shut down due to what they had seen. I was able to get that member help, but for their privacy I won’t detail what exactly happened. After I had returned that person to their house and assured the family, I had to return to the office and inform my bosses in Prince George of what had just happened. That was the end of the ten days from hell.

Up until last year, I blamed myself for what happened to that member that I worked with. I saw what happened to them and I didn’t force them off the scene. I didn’t tell then to leave. If only I had, then maybe they wouldn’t have got to the point that they were at. It was only through inpatient therapy that I came to realize two major truths out of it. 1) By the time I was able to see the external signs on them, the damage was already done. 2) That member trusted me enough to call me in their moment of crisis. So while I may have not helped them at the scene, I was able to help them earlier on which then helped them to reach out to me.

So what was some of the fallout from all of this. You will recall earlier that I was slated to do two months of training across north district for the rollout of the new screening devices. After the last crash, all of my gear went into my locker and stayed there till mid November when I was slated to go over to Haida Gwaii to teach. While over there I planned to do some enforcement, so the day before I grabbed my gear from the locker. As I grabbed my boots, I touched the bottom of them and my hand came away black. I flipped the boots over and there was still parts of that last scene embedded in the threads of my boots. Boom, I was right back in the middle of all that destruction and chaos. I spent the next half hour chiseling that out of the bottom of my boots.

I kept working, even though I should have been off due to the commitments that I had made to instruct these courses. I pushed myself until the middle of December and then went off for a month and a half due to the symptoms of my ptsd. I realize now that I should have gone off a lot sooner, but I was stubborn and it has affected me to this day.

How has it affected me? For two weeks leading up to this I don’t sleep well and have nightmares. Certain places and objects that I see take me right back to that point as soon as I see them. I now have a health dislike of seeing fuzzy orange caterpillars. There is a laundry list of other symptoms and issues but the key point is that there are now memory triggers for me everywhere.

For all of the first responders that read this, please take care of yourself. Trust your mind and your body. Take the time you need and realize that it is okay to say that you’re not okay. It’s okay to ask for help.

My parting thought for today can best be described in song. This will describe September 25 for probably the rest of my life.

[sagehaleyofficial]

HERE’S WHAT YOU MISSED THIS WEEK (1.8-1.14.20):

NEW MUSIC:

·         Record Store Day went on social media to unveil its 2020 date, which is set for April 18th. Last year, a special edition turntable manufactured by Crosley Radio was available at select record stores.

·         Green Day took to social media to share a GIF announcing their new track “Oh, Yeah” will be released later this month. Additionally, they also confirmed a rumored tracklist that was anonymously sent to a fan earlier this month.

·         Spanish Love Songs announced the release date of their third studio album, Brave Faces Everyone, on February 7th via Pure Noise Records. The band also released a new single “Kick” with an accompanying music video.

·         New Found Glory announced that they are looking to include fans in filming a new music video. Recently, guitarist Chad Gilbert took to Instagram to tease that the band have been working on a new album, which will follow up their 2017 release, Makes Me Sick.

·         Silverstein announced a release date for their next studio album, A Beautiful Place to Drown. They also dropped their latest single off the LP, “Infinite,” featuring Underoath and The Almost musician Aaron Gillespie.

·         In a very recent interview, Senses Fail vocalist Buddy Nielsen revealed what he thinks will be the title of the band’s eighth album, calling it Hell is in Your Head. The frontman also talked about the relationships between this new album and their 2006 record, Still Searching.

·         Evanescence dropped a music video for their cover of Fleetwood Mac’s song “The Chain,” which was featured on the soundtrack for the video game Gears of War 5. Singer Amy Lee also lent her vocals to the game’s launch trailer just prior.

·         The 1975 announced the debut of a new song titled “Me & You Together Song,” set to drop this Thursday. Their fourth studio album, Notes on a Conditional Form, was then pushed back from its original release date on February 21st to sometime in April.

·         Halsey took inspiration from country music in her latest single “You Should Be Sad” off her upcoming album Manic, dropping this Friday. She revealed on Twitter that the track was inspired by some of her favorite female artists of the genre, namely Carrie Underwood.

·         Creeper announced the release date for their upcoming album, Sex, Death and the Infinite Void, along with a brief tour in the UK. The band teased fans on Twitter prior to the announcement by posting a series of periods and short videos.

·         PVRIS dropped a haunting acoustic version of their song “Hallucinations,” originally the title track of the band’s latest EP. Singer Lynn Gunn also shared it on her own Twitter feed, saying “It’s chill.”

·         The upcoming film Birds of Prey is getting its own soundtrack, appropriately titled Birds of Prey: The Album. The soundtrack features Halsey, K. Flay, a collab by Megan Thee Stallion and Normani, and more internationally-acclaimed female artists.

·         Paramore frontwoman Hayley Williams teased what could potentially be a lyric from her upcoming solo project debut, Petals for Armor, releasing January 22nd. Clues of the new project surfaced on Instagram and city streets with a release date for some time this month.

·         A recent video shows Halsey in the studio with Bring Me the Horizon’s Oli Sykes and Jordan Fish. It appears that the video is referencing her new song for the Birds of Prey soundtrack titled “Experiment on Me.”

·         Alexisonfire dropped a new single titled “Season of the Flood,” which marks their third new song in 10 years and premiered on BBC1’s Rock Show. Last year, the band dropped two singles, “Complicit” and “Familiar Drugs.”

·         Point North’s new song, titled “Into the Dark,” just dropped, featuring current tour mate and Sleeping with Sirens‘ singer, Kellin Quinn. The bands are currently on tour with Set It Off and Belmont.

TOUR ANNOUNCEMENTS:

·         Bonnaroo Music & Arts Festival announced the lineup for the festival’s 2020 dates. This year’s headliners include Tool, Lizzo, Tame Impala, Miley Cyrus, Bassnectar, Flume, Oysterhead, Lana Del Rey and Vampire Weekend.

·         The Almost frontman Aaron Gillespie recruited his Underoath bandmate Tim McTague to join him on stage during a show at the Orpheum in Tampa. Gillespie shared photos of the evening, touching on the “unnecessary friction” at The Almost’s formation in 2005.

·         In anticipation of their upcoming release Father of All�� next month, Green Day announced that they want to host a wild party at a fan’s house. In a video posted to Instagram, Billie Joe Armstrong talked about wanting to play in one very lucky fan’s backyard in California.

·         Halsey announced the dates for the North American installment of her Manic World Tour. It was also announced that CHVRCHES, Omar Apollo, blackbear and PVRIS will all join her on select dates of this tour.

·         Circa Survive announced that Polyphia and Gouge Away will join them on their Blue Sky Noise 10-year anniversary tour. The band took to social media to announce the supporting cast for the tour.

·         Billie Eilish, Gwen Stefani with Blake Shelton, Aerosmith and Lizzo will all take the stage at this year’s Grammy Awards on January 26th. R&B songstress Alicia Keys will again host the ceremony.

·         Post Malone was announced to headline the “Bootsy on the Water” pop-up event at one of this year’s Super Bowl kick-off parties in Florida. Fans have the opportunity to see the rapper live, but tickets range from a hefty $1,000 to $150,000.

·         The Maine announced their second edition of 8123 Day to celebrate their 13th anniversary as a band. The event will offer fans fun opportunities such as an online scavenger hunt, contests, new merchandise and more.

·         My Chemical Romance’s return show grossed nearly $1,500,000, making history as the highest-grossing show at the venue ever. A Paradigm agent, Matt Galle, spoke with Variety last December about how everything came together.

·         Joe Rogan, Jim Jefferies and Whitney Cummings are joining forces to appear at Stand Up for Australian Fires, the Australia wildfires benefit show taking place on January 26th. Proceeds from the show, co-produced by Kevin Lyman and Joe Sib, will go to Wildlife Warriors.

·         After announcing their first full U.S. headlining run last month, Sleep On It finally announced the opening acts for the “Pride and Disastour.” The band’s upcoming tour, which kicks off at the end of February, will be supported by Bearings, Between You and Me and Neverkept.

·         Sleeping with Sirens revealed a stacked co-headlining run with the Amity Affliction kicking off in April. The tour will begin April 15th in Reno, Nevada, and conclude May 23rd in Milwaukee with support from Stray from the Path and UnityTX.

OTHER NEWS:

·         The Maine drummer Pat Kirch married his longtime partner Shacara Nemetz, with his bandmates, family and friends in attendance at the ceremony. Last September, the couple also announced they were expecting their first child together.

·         One talented drummer took on the challenge of combining 50 My Chemical Romance songs in 10 minutes. The fan in question, Sage Duvall, is a member of Florida-based indie band Raggy Monster and impressively recorded it all in one take without the use of a click track.

·         Bad Religion announced the release of their new book, “DO WHAT YOU WANT: The Story of Bad Religion,” which is set to drop on August 20th by Hachette Books. The autobiography is a deep examination of the band’s four decades in rock music.

·         Music IP investment company Hipgnosis Songs acquired 157 songs from alternative icon Tom DeLonge‘s catalog. “All the Small Things” and more Blink-182 hits were reportedly acquired.

·         Ice Nine Kills joined numerous musicians in fundraising to help put an end to the Australian wildfires plaguing the country. The band is selling a T-shirt featuring a kangaroo dressed as horror icon Freddy Krueger, with all proceeds going towards Australia’s relief efforts.

·         The upcoming film Birds of Prey revealed its second official trailer, which may reveal what happens to Jared Leto‘s Joker character. Recently, lead actress Margot Robbie, who plays Harley Quinn, confirmed that Leto would not be in the film.

·         Featuring a red, black and white color palette, Vans’ latest “I Heart” shoe collection recently hit their online store. The line showcases the phrase “I heart boys, I heart girls” in a continuous pattern.

·         Neil Peart, iconic drummer and lyrical voice of legendary Canadian prog-rock act Rush, has passed away. Rolling Stone reported that Peart had succumbed to aggressive brain cancer at age 67 after a brave three-and-a-half-year-long battle.

·         The Umbrella Academy fans were surprised last week when the comic series appeared as a question on the game show Jeopardy!. The show is currently hosting its “The Greatest of All Time” tournament, which has three record-breaking former contestants playing.

·         Blink-182 joined the relief effort toward stopping the Australian bushfires by releasing a new merch collection. Proceeds from the shirts will go towards Australia Zoo, which is giving medical help and rehabilitating to sick, injured and displaced wildlife in the country.

·         Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker is partnering with Barrett-Jackson to sell a few of his vehicles to the highest bidder. There will be three cars up for sale – a 1941 Cadillac 62 Series convertible, a 1960 Cadillac Coupe Deville and a 1972 Chevrolet K5 Blazer.

___

Check in next Tuesday for more “Posi Talk with Sage Haley,” only at @sagehaleyofficial!

[the-quiet-winds]

Bonfire Clouds

[angst. inspired by true events]

As a general rule of thumb, Anna was very used to being alone.

During her time spent in Germany and England, after being divorced and sent away with her pockets lined and some fancy new palaces to live in, it was easy for her to get so lost in the crowds she was hopelessly lonely. Schmoozing with other royals, smoking pipes with courtiers, and dancing until the light drowned and came back up for air again.

She may have been always around people, but she was always so alone.

Which is why, when she was brought back to life again, she always kept her problems to herself.

It’s a nasty habit, one she tries to shake time and time again, but when everyone else has suffered far worse than she, it’s all but impossible to not bottle up her life and stuff it on a shelf.

So when Anna begins waking up with dull pains in her back and her knees around the turn of winter, she doesn’t say a word about it. She pops a few Ibuprofen and moves on with her day.

It’s usually enough. Combine it sometimes with a little ice or a little heat, and she’s right as rain by the time the show starts.

But as December comes crawling in, it starts to not be enough.

No one notices until they’re backstage at the show. She plops into her makeup chair and lets out a quiet grunt, which attracts the attention of one of her roommates.

“What’s got you down?” Aragon asks, giving her a half-critical look through the mirror’s reflection.

“Funky cramps,” Anna says. She shifts in her chair, attempting to give herself some much-needed relief from the pain, but none comes.

“Did you take anything?”

It’s not Aragon this time, but Jane, her voice soft and caring as she passes into the room.

“Earlier,” Anna counters. “I took some painkillers, but nothing worked.”

Jane creases her eyebrows. But before she can suggest anything, Anna speaks hastily. “I’m sure it just means my period is coming. Nothing bad.”

She knows it’s a lie, but she doesn’t want to concern Jane more.

“If you don’t feel better, promise you’ll come and talk to us?”

Anna agrees.

She knows she’s lying.

The next morning the pain returns, and it’s more obvious now. Enough so that Jane notices the moment Anna walks into the kitchen the next morning.

“Come on,” she says without hesitation, “back upstairs with you You’re not performing tonight.”

“But-“

“No buts,” Jane says, voice softer this time. “You need to rest. Maybe we’ll get you a massage.”

Anna agrees half-heartedly, sleep and anxiety mixing in the space behind her eyes to create a horrid sort of drunken tiredness.

She is out before she even hits the pillow.

---

The knee pain went away, and the back pain began to lessen over the following two weeks, and Anna felt greatly relieved.

The week leading up to Christmas sees her at the doctor’s office for a routine check-up and flu vaccination.

“You seem healthy, Miss Cleves,” the doctor says, “is there anything you wish to discuss with me?”

The absence of her bandmates seems to bolster Anna’s confidence. Talking to the doctor was nothing, right? Just alone again.

“I’ve been having some back pain,” she says.

Those six words were what landed Anna in an MRI machine two days later. She had told the other queens she was just “going out.” She couldn’t let them worry.

Turns out there was nothing to worry about at all. Her back was knot-free and disc-free.

“My best guess is a repetitive motion injury, or maybe some sort of unhealed strain,” the doctor says. “Take some time off, maybe a few days or so.”

“But I have a show,” Anna protests. “I can’t take time off.”

“I’m sorry,” the doctor says. “But you need to heal.”

Anna leaves with a doctor’s note, mandating her to not perform for four days, effective immediately.

Of course, Katherine is incredibly concerned.

“Why didn’t you tell us?!” She demands, teary-eyed and clearly upset. “You should have told us!”

“I know,” Anna concedes softly, “but I didn’t want you all to worry.”

“Anna.”

She looks to Jane, who takes a step closer and rests a hand on her shoulder. “We’re family. We want to care for you, so please, let us.”

The next four days are incredibly repetitive. Anna wakes up to find Jane and Aragon waiting by her bed with breakfast and coffee. Sometime mid-morning, Anne comes in to watch game shows on the small television on Anna’s dresser.

“Stupid!” Anne exclaims with a laugh, watching a contestant guess an answer horribly wrong.

“Like you could do better,” Anna jests, batting Anne about the ribs with her elbow.

“I’d be so good at these shows,” Anne says proudly. She puffs her chest out and makes a posh face. Anna can’t help but laugh.

“If you say so.”

Katherine always brings her lunch, and Parr supplies her with a fresh book or two each afternoon before they all leave for the show.

It’s a lovely routine, and Anna genuinely believes the bed-rest is helping.

When Christmas comes, the pain has lessened in her back, which was the greatest relief in the world to Anna. She can walk, dance, and perform in a way she hadn’t in months.

They’re mid-show, fresh off the holiday break, when Anna breaks.

She’s just finished her number and is dancing her way through Katherine’s when she feels a sharp sting and a biting aggravation in her left hip. It throws her off balance and down to her knees, but she manages to play it off as merely a misstep in the choreography.

The remaining twenty or so minutes of the show are blinding, unbearable Hell. Anna feels she can barely stand, but doesn’t let it make her falter, although she knows she grimaces with every step.

She barely makes it off-stage before she collapses to her knees, holding her side tightly.

“It’s okay,” Jane murmurs. Her arm securely wraps around Anna’s waist. “We’ve got you.”

None of them go to the stage door that night, obviously. As soon as they’re dressed, they’re in the car and headed back to the hospital, where Jane and Aragon support a barely-walking Anna through the door before she’s whisked away.

They examine her hip, even taking x-rays, and determine she managed to pop it out of socket.

The scream of pain as they reset it is so loud, the girls can hear it from the waiting room. A doctor writes Anna another note, saying she was out for performing for a week, and if the pain continues, she’s to return for additional tests.

The pain continues, and she returns for additional tests.

“Miss Cleves,” the nurse pages, and she limps into the office. Alone. Of course, being the lone wolf she is, she didn’t have the heart to tell the others the real reason she was back here. She just said the doctor wanted to check on her progress.

“Welcome,” the doctor, a different doctor, says. “I am Doctor Thalia Browne.”

“Anna of Cleves.”

“Ah, the famous Anna of Cleves,” Doctor Browne muses with a soft chuckle. “It’s not often I see patients older than this hospital.”

Anna laughs herself, half-pained. “So I guess you know.”

“How couldn’t I?” There’s a quiet, albeit excited nature to Browne’s words. “This whole regeneration business you all have going on, it’s quite amazing. I also saw your show, October I think? Absolutely wonderful.”

Anna warms up to her new doctor very quickly, and she finds herself in conversation with her as she gets comfortable in the MRI machine (well, as comfortable as she could get).

“I’ve been to Germany on many conferences,” Browne says as the images start bleeding through. “It’s quite lovely.”

“The winters were brutal,” Anna laughs softly as Browne’s voice buzzes its way through the static-filled headphones she wears. “But gorgeous all the same.”

“Luckily I’ve only ever been there in the spring. They know not-“

As soon as she stops, Anna knows she’s in trouble.

“Doc?”

More silence.

“Doc, you’re scaring me,” Anna says, a very nervous laugh in her words.

“Can you lay on your back for me?” The joviality in her voice is gone, replaced by stoic professionalism.

Anna does as told, ignoring the biting pain in her hip as she does so.

The machine roars around her, Browne’s voice no longer able to drown it out, and Anna feels hopelessly alone.

It feels like an eternity before the machine slowly bucks her out. It’s even longer before Browne enters the test room, holding a few of the images in her hands.

The fact that it couldn’t wait sets every nerve in Anna’s body alight.

“Your hip is fractured.”

Okay. That’s not bad. That can be fixed.

But one look at Browne’s face and Anna knows that’s not all.

“What is it?”

---

 January 19th, Anna writes on a scrap piece of paper, still trying to figure out how to tell the others what’s wrong.

She crumbles up the paper, rips it into pieces, and throws it in the trash.

Time to rip the bandage off.

Five minutes later, the queens are gathered in the living room, staring expectantly at Anna.

“I have cancer.”

The air is sucked from the room, leaving behind five lost souls staring back at her. 

“What?!” 

It was Anne who’d finally spoken, an angered outburst coming out as barely a choked whisper.

“I have cancer,” she repeats. “Lung cancer.”

“But you don’t smoke,” Parr says, obviously and somewhat dumbly.

“I did,” Anna admits, “in the first life.”

“How do you know?” Katherine asks, voice tiny and childlike as she clings to Jane.

“They were examining my hip and the image… it just barely clipped my lung. They saw it.” She swallows. “They did more imaging of my back.” She looks to the floor. “Doctor Browne said if she didn’t know, she’d think the images were of completely different people.”

“You had those images done three weeks ago,” Aragon says bluntly.

“That’s how fast it’s progressed. I have more tumors than they know what to do with.”

“How long?”

Jane has finally spoken.

“Six months without chemo, maybe a year with,” Anna barely whispers now. “I’m not surviving this.”

She can’t bring herself to reach for Katherine when she detaches from Jane’s side and runs upstairs.

Parr stands up and slowly paces the room. “It’s in your bones, isn’t it,” she states. “It fractured your hip.”

Anna nods.

“Are you going to do chemo?” Aragon asks.

“I haven’t decided yet.”

“Why not?!” Anne’s anger is back, tears in her eyes again. “You have a chance for a whole year.”

“At what cost,” Anna says hollowly. “It won’t be pleasant. It’ll be missed shows and sickness and pain.” She shrugs. “Maybe I’d like to enjoy my time left.”

“That’s pretty fucking selfish,” Anne warns.

“Maybe it is. But it’s my choice.”

“What you do affects all of us. You can’t just drop this bomb and expect us not to react.”

“Never said I did.” Anna’s words are empty as she stares at the floor. “I just want to enjoy what’s left of my life.”

She opts to not do chemotherapy, but does have the surgery to repair her hip.

That’s two and a half weeks later.

It goes well. 

They put her hip back together and promise her she’ll be walking very soon. 

She spends three days in the hospital before being brought to a rehab center. 

That Saturday is the first time the queens have seen Anna since her surgery. They wanted to be there with her in the recovery room, during everything after, but Anna was far too loopy for anyone to be there. So they were forced to wait.

They sit in the library of the rehab center and wait some more. Jane and Katherine sit on the couch, Kat clinging to Jane’s arm, Aragon and Boleyn are hunched over in armchairs, elbows on bouncing knees, and Parr is alternating between pacing and leaning against the chess table.

Finally, a nurse rolls in Anna.

But it’s not Anna.

It’s a hollow, broken shell of the fierce German queen. There’s an emptiness in her eyes that gapes into her mind. 

Must be the pain medication.

“Hey, Anna,” Parr says softly. 

Nothing.

“How are you feeling, love?” Jane asks.

Nothing.

“Can she hear us?” Katherine suddenly panics.

“She’s still very out of it,” the nurse says softly. “High doses of meds.”

They try to coax words out of Anna, but all they get are somewhat pleading looks, as if there were words trapped in her head that her teeth wouldn’t free.

Throughout the entire meeting, which lasted roughly an hour, all they got were some noncommittal hums, an occasional ‘yes’ or ‘no’, and Anna managing to ask Jane what was on her shirt.

It was a pun.

When they get home from the last show of the week the following night, their phone are overflowing with messages from the hospital.

Anna had suffered a stroke and was bleeding into her brain.

The next five days are some of the worst in all of their lives, either lives. It’s a constant wonder of, ‘is Anna still alive?’ and ‘what if she dies without anyone there with her?’ But between shows and rehearsals, they don’t have a choice.

They fought, they truly did. They wanted to cancel shows for the week, all but live at the hospital as they wait for Anna to stay awake for more than a few minutes at a time.

But there were bills to be paid, specifically hospital bills and rent bills, and they had to keep performing.

Finally, Friday rolls around. And finally, they’re given a show off. So they all go to see Anna.

Well, not everyone.

Jane Seymour can’t do it.

It’s too real. If she goes, it’s real. Anna is really dying. Anna is really going to die from cancer.

She doesn’t go.

She takes a long, hot shower instead, furiously scrubbing through her hair as if to wipe the events of the last month from her head. 

By the time she steps out of the shower, cries into her towel, brushes out her hair, cries a bit more, and manages to get dressed with shaky hands, it’s well past midnight.

And there is a text waiting for her, from Parr.

Time of death 2:12am, February 17th. Probably spread to the brain. See you later.

When Jane Seymour manages to fall asleep, her face is stained with tears, as is the pillow, and her dreams are more like nightmares as she sees Anna.

And Anna is once again alone.

———————————————————————————————————–

tag list: @percabeth15 @kats-seymour @qualquercoisa945 @jane-fucking-seymour @a-slightly-cracked-egg @justqueentingz @annabanana2401 @wolfies-chew-toy @broad-way-13​ @tvandmusicals @lailaliquorice @aimieallenatkinson @sweet-child-why03 @gaylinda-of-the-upper-uplands @funky-lesbians@thinkaboutitmaybe @hansholbeingoesaroundzeworld @anaamess @beeskneeshuh @prick-up-ur-ears @theartoflazy​ @justqueentwo​@brother-orion @paleshadowofadragon @lafemmestars @beautifulashes17 @jarneiarichardnxel​ @idkimbadwithusernamesandstuff @sixcago @mixer1323 @boleynssixthfinger @aimieallen @elphiesdance @boleynthebunny​ @krystalhuntress @lupin-loves-chocolate @bellacardoza16 @bluify @second–butthole @katherines-choker

[bvckctt]

TOBY WALLACE ❙ CISMALE 』 ⟿ looks like BECKETT GRIMES is here for his SENIOR year as a NURSING student. He is 21 years old & known to be CARING, SENSITIVE, DETACHED & TIMID. They’re living in GORHAM, so if you’re there, watch out for them. ⬳ lynds

tw; death, depression, drowning, car wreck

it be me again. have this innocent mess of a man. sorry its so long?? got carried away a bit

&. BASICS

Full Name: Beckett Hendrix Grimes

Nicknames: Beck, B, Bucket (will not reply to it)

Age: 21

Sexuality: He doesn’t exactly know, because he’s still a virgin??? But pansexual

Date of Birth:  June 27, 1998

Place of Birth: Melbourne, Australia

Gender: Cis Male

&. MORE BASIC INFO

Languages: English

Religion: Non-religious

Education: Radcliffe University

Occupation: Student

Drinks, Smokes, & Drugs: No, no, no. A little angel baby

&. PERSONALITY

Zodiac Sign: Cancer

MBTI: ISFP

Likes: Hikes, Video games

Dislikes: Parties, any event with a lot of people, bodies of water

Bad Habits: Bites his nails,

Fears: Drowning

Five Positive Traits: Caring, Forgivng, Open-minded, Sensitive, Selfless

Five Negative Traits: Detached, Timid, Naive, Brittle, Unorganized

Other Mentionable Details: He gets distant sometimes, like he feels a disconnect between him and the world at times.

&. APPEARANCE

Tattoos:  No tattoos are you kidding???

Piercings: None

&. FAMILY INFORMATION

Parent Names: Jamie Foster and Charlie Grimes, Andrea Grimes (Beckett’s step-mother)

Parent Relationship: Mother deceased and Beckett and Charlie are close.

Sibling Names: Nadia Hanson (20) and  James Hanson (22)

Sibling Relationship: Nadia and Beckett get along, however they aren’t super close. They kind of tolerate each other, being that they are polar opposites. Again, James and Beckett are not close. James makes fun of Beckett for being a virgin. Beckett likes to keep it a secret, though.

Pets: A beta fish named Gary

&. BIOGRAPHY

On June 27, 1998 a baby boy was born in Melbourne, Australia to Jamie Foster and Charlie Grimes. Jamie and Charlie were young parents. Charlie 19 and Jamie 17. They decided to name the baby Beckett Hendrix Grimes. Of course, Beckett was an unexpected baby, but that didn’t stop Jamie and Charlie from caring for him as much as they could. It was a struggle. They lived with Jamie’s parents for the first year of Beckett’s life after Charlie’s parents disowned him for having a child with a woman he wasn’t married to.

During his childhood, Beckett’s parents moved house to house, one foreclosed after the other. His father had picked up a factory job to support Beckett and his mother, who was a stay at home mom, they didn’t have a very steady income. It did not change how they cared for Beckett, though. They showed him nothing but love. Beckett was a sweet child. You could find him picking flowers from the yard to give to his mother and trying to offer his father any help he could as a small child.

As he got older, Beckett never had trouble making friends, however, he wasn’t the outgoing type. He enjoyed his own company. Usually spent playing video games or helping his parents around the house as much as possible. Beckett always had straight A’s and even took AP classes in high school. He never caused trouble to any of his teachers, he was by far the best behaved. Things took a turn when Beckett was 17. The summer before his senior year of high school, Beckett, his father, and mother were the victims of a fatal car crash. They were on their way back home from dinner one night when Becket’’s father had to avoid a car coming directly at them in the wrong lane. The car hit the side of the bridge they were driving on and flipped into the water. Unfortunately, Beckett and his father were the only ones to survive. Because of the accident, Beckett became distant from his friends and started to fail his classes his senior year. Beckett stayed in his room most of the time and became disinterested in things that he had previously enjoyed.

Beckett was able to graduate high school and apply for colleges. He had no intention of leaving Melbourne until his father told Beckett that he had met an American woman. Charlie had convinced Beckett to move with him to America for ‘a new start’. They packed up and ended up in Lovell where Beckett had to quickly apply at Radcliffe. His father and step-mother quickly married. His new family consisted of a brother and a sister, Nadia and James. Adjusted was hard for Beckett, but he managed. His grades had improved when he started at Radcliffe and thought his dad was right.

&. PERSONALITY

Beckett has never had a sexual relationship, he was never able to initiate it, because he was too shy. He had relationships, but they never lasted long for that reason. He is not very sure on his sexuality, either. He’s dated girls, however he is not sure that he is just attracted to girls, he just wants someone to love him and for him to love someone. Beckett is very sweet and caring. He loves to help people to distract himself from his own problems. Beckett decided that he wanted to be a nursing major because he wanted to help give people a surviving chance. Also, he kind of hates that he couldn’t do anything to save his mother, so it is a way for him to make it up to her. He will sometimes get into funky moods that cause him to feel detached from everything, this is usually caused if something triggers his memory of the wreck.

some wc below

someone that would help him discover his sexuality, although this someone has to be v patient. 

the regular friends ya know

past relationship?? obviously didn’t work bc he was too shy to sex

enemies?? i doubt beckett would be able to have enemies but it would be fun to write out with someone who just doesnt like him

roommates?

bad influeneces

and anything ur heart desires

[angstalottle]

New Year

As a superhero without any superpowers Lance had gotten used to being targeted and even held hostage as leverage over his partner Shiro.

However thanks to literally being strong enough to shatter steel and fast enough to outrun a car any villain dumb enough to actually try and use lance against him never tried it again.

Or so he thought.

Lance and Shiro had just been planning to have one drink to celebrate new years then go out on patrol.

Just one beer in a random bar in new york, how the hell did someone even slip something into their drinks? And how didn't they realise something was wrong until Lance felt his knees give out and Shiro fell to the ground as he tried to catch his partner.

For the first time in their carriers as superheroes, the two found themselves completely defensless.

Shiro woke up first.

It was dark and all he could see was two metal poles holding up a large cube above him. In a state of confusion,, Shiro pushed at the cube as to try and figure out exactly what was going on.

However, no sooner did his fingers brush against the surface did the polls fall away and the cube came crashing down.

Acting on pure instinct Shiro caught it and lifted it above his head, grunting from the effort of the surprisingly heavy object.

That was when blinding lights surrounded the room causing him to wince a the sudden brightness.

“Ladies and gentlemen I give you your heroes”

The familiar voice of the supervillain Haggar caused Shiro to groan. They had tangled with her plenty of times before and though never much of a threat she could be tricky at times.

Looking around Shiro spotted her standing a little to his front left talking to a camera that was likely broadcasting this to god knows how many people.

“The mighty Shiro trapped and unable to do anything to save you all from your fates.”

“What are you playing at Haggar, I can snap you in half any time I like.” As Shiro said this he stepped forward to show her.

The instant the tension on the cube lessened another light to Haggars right snapped on and Shiro felt his blood freeze in horror.

Lance was laying in a glass case that was quickly filling with water.

He banged on the sides terror clear even from across the rooms. There was no sound escaping but Shiro could clearly see he was shouting from help as he was submerged.

Shiro ran over and rose his fist to smash it open when he noticed that the glass appeared to have another substance between two panes.

“Ah, I see you spotted my little surprise. Between the glass is a very reactive substance that should it come into contact with water it will explode.” Haggar chuckled watching Lance suddenly stop hitting the glass and instead pull himself up into the small air pocket to take a desperate breath. “In other words, you break it and your little sidekick pays the price.”

Shiro turned on her making to grab her by the neck and keep squeezing until she let Lance out. He was just a fucking kid, he didn't deserve this kind of thing.

However, he was only met with air and a smirking hologram.

“Let him go!” Shiro hissed keeping his gaze steady despite his growing panic as Lance was left completely submerged.

Haggar looked to Lance and tutted “doesn't look like he has much time left. If I were you I would pick up the cube.”

Shiro looked to her then back to Lance. He hated it but for now, at least they had to play her game.

As quick as he could, he returned to beneath the cube, as soon as he hoisted it up above his head all the water was drained and Lance took a desperate breath.

“Now you know the rules. Let the cube drop and the coffin fills with water. Break the glass and your little friend dies much quicker. Now for the really fun part. At midnight tonight, a bomb will go off in time square, it is located in the ball and has a blast radius large enough to take out half of new york. The choice is yours oh mighty Shiro, stand here to keep your little friend alive, or do your job as a hero and save the people you swore to protect.” The hologram vanished.

“Time is ticking get to it.”

A countdown appeared, ten minutes until midnight. No time to come up with a plan even if they could talk to each other.

Shiro looked at Lance who looked to be coughing and gasping for breath looking so incredibly young at that moment.

Shiro never meant for him to get involved in this life.

Lance had been a make a wish a few years ago before they were sure his cancer treatments would work, the kid was incredible. He was so filled with life and just lit up the room with his smile.

Even after he was in remission Shiro stayed in contact and became friends with him, hell he offered him a part-time job as his assistant. He never imagined that would lead Lance to pick up a gun and following him out onto the streets.

Right now Shiro wished he had thought harder to get him to go home on the first-night lance proved he was a hero.

“Lance kiddo I… I don't know if you can hear me.”

To his surprise, Lance looked up and nodded.

Right he could hear him but Shiro couldn't hear a thing.

“I… I know i should just leave you and stop the bomb but I can't do that to you. I can't leave you here to drown but I also can't let all those people die.”

At first, Shiro thought Lance was begging for his life, mouthing the word “no” over and over again.

It gave Shiro a strange kind of relief to know that even the most selfless kid in the world wasn't prepared to make this kind of call.

Then Shiro realised his mistake and it was like a kick to the gut.

Lance was saying “go”...

He wanted him to Leave him here to die. How can a teenager be so prepared to die for a cause?!

How can the universe dare to force such a decision upon someone so young that's already had to fight to survive this long.

“Lance.., I can't.”

It took longer this time for the message to get through but Shiro eventually figured it out.

“Your fast, Run and maybe you'll get back in time.”

A glance at the countdown told him there was only another five minutes until midnight. Dammit, Lance was right, he was fast he could do this.

“Deep breath kiddo ill be back soon.”

Shiro ran like he never ran before. He didn't care if there were obstacles in his way be them people, cars even buildings instead he took the most direct route.

He got to the ball and pried it open only to find it empty save for a note.

It simply said ‘Hurry hero he won't wait forever.’

Shiro cursed before turning on his heal. That witch had tricked him. He doesn't know why but he did know that he had to get back to Lance.

Shiro found the warehouse he had been housed in dark save for a single spotlight over a table.

It was clear a body was undeath the white sheet that was draped over the top.

Shiro felt his hands shaking sure he would find Lance beneath it, his face blue and his heart no longer beating.

Instead, he saw another familiar face.

Last week a villain by the name of Lotor had gotten close to killing Lance. Something came over Shiro and he just kept punching him, over and over again until he was no longer moving.

It wasn't the first time he had killed someone.

But it was the first time Lance had to see him to it.

“You took my son from me hero” Haggar’s voice echoed around him “so I'm taking your partner to replace him. You won't find us. Happy new year.”

Shiro fell to his knees.

This was supposed to be a time to celebrate but right now all he could do was stare at the body and cry.

[josephinemontilyace]

Personal Post

Trigger Warning: Depression, Suicide

These things are important to talk about. So here I am, hoping that someone can relate.

I am not actively suicidal, but a shit ton of issues have popped up in the past month - primarily a medication switch that led to a baaaaaad reaction - leaving me plagued with suicidal thoughts. They come and go over months and years, but over the past few days they have been constant.

Depression is not me, and it’s not you either, if you’re suffering from it. Mental illness IS physical illness - there is a physical, chemical imbalance going on in that brain of yours, but it does not define you, just as cancer doesn’t define the cancer patient. It requires care, just like a broken leg needs mending.

I find it easiest to talk about my experience with depression by personifying it. It’s like the cartoon angel and demon on either shoulder. The depression is the demon, obvs, but I have angels - when I had a breakdown today I had friends who embraced me with open arms. They didn’t ask any probing questions (been there in the past) or look at me like I was broken (has also happened). They held me and I hadn’t felt that loved in a long time. Like yeah, I hug my parents every day, but they’re, like required to love me, y’know? It’s in their job description (I know that I’m very lucky in this regard). My friends though? They chose to accept me. It’s an incredible feeling. I absolutely adore them (one of them has a tumblr - hi! ❤️).

Back to depression though, my old friend who has been kickin’ it with me for almost 13 years now. This is what it’s like, having suicidal thoughts but not being suicidal. I hope that by sharing this I can either help people understand or make someone out there feel less alone, that they aren’t the only person dealing with this.

——————————-

SATURDAY

Me: *standing at crosswalk, minding my own business, trying to get to work*

Depression: Hi.

Me:

Depression: See those cars? They’re awfully fast.

Me:

Depression: If you stepped out there... a couple feet...

Me: No. That would hurt.

Depression: Only for a minute. Then you’d be free. No worries, no stress.

Me: OR I could survive and be left in immense pain, paralyzed, and cause intense emotional distress to those I care about.

Depression: They’ll get over it.

Me: Shut up. I’m going to work.

SUNDAY

Me: *playing Sims, listening to podcasts*

Depression: *slides in beside me on a swivel chair* Wasssssup?

Me: Good lord. No. Let me design this house. Let’s see, I think I’ll build the twin’s room over -

Depression: Carbon dioxide poisoning is supposed to be painless. Or is it monoxide? Eh, either way, you just have to go to the g -

Me: I’m not doing this right now. I’m busy. I’m happy. I’m content. Bye.

Depression: You’re content now, yes. But later? Things could get worse. Hit the escape hatch!

Me: I don’t want to. I like my life. Sure, I wish I made more money and didn’t have such a sucky commute but overall things are the best they’ve ever been. I have friends. I belong.

Depression: Well, I’m here to liven up the party. *throws skull-shaped confetti* Hey wouldn’t it be cool if Sims could commit sui-

Me: Holy shit! What the hell? No! Where did that even come from? That’s horrible? Get out of my head, NOW! You don’t even get an eviction notice. You’re disgusting. Leave. Now.

MONDAY

*went to therapy, acknowledged these issues, cried in front of therapist which I have NEVER done in the 10 years I’ve been going to therapy, basically shut down for the day*

TUESDAY

Me: I have work today. I love my job. Things will get better when I get there. I’ll have other things to focus on, friends to make me laugh.

Me: *walking into work from parking garage*

Depression: Wow, look! This has quite a few levels. You could easily walk right up to the roof and fall down. It’s pavement below, you’d feel nothing! It would be so fast!

Me: No. I don’t want to die. I want to live. I love my life, but I hate you. Plus, I don’t want to cause pain to the people I love. Or, you know, survive that fall and end up worse off.

Depression: Aren’t there stairwells in your building that go up to the roof? It’s even higher!

Me: No.

Depression: Yes.

Me: No.

Depression: Jump.

Me: No!

Depression: Go on, walk up the ramp, the stairs, the elevator, so many options!

Me: I said NO. STOP.

Depression: Go up there and jump.

Me: NO STOP.

Depression: DO IT. JUMP.

Me: NO!

Me:*I make my way into my building, where there’s a high balcony overlooking the lobby*

Depression: You could jump from there?

Me: No no no no no.

Depression: Or those stairs over there?

Me: No no no no.

Friend: Are you okay?

Me: *is numb on the outside bc this shit is rambling in my head*

Me: *wants to tell them what’s happening but also doesn’t want to burden them and wants to get through this on my own, I can do this, I can do this*

Friend 2: You okay sis?

Me: *silent*

Me: No no no no!

Depression: *echoing its demands*

Friends: *being genuinely incredible human beings*

Depression: You’re such a drag on them -

Me: No! No! Get out of my head!

Me: *runs and locks self in bathroom to try to calm down*

Depression: You could try drowning yourself in the toilet...

Me: NO GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!!!!

————————

... and that’s when I lost it and had to leave.

Those weren’t my thoughts. I had no control over them. It’s like staring at a keyboard and watching it type for you even though you aren’t touching the keys or even thinking about what to write, it just happens.

Again - I am not actively suicidal. These thoughts do not have control over me. They do, however, take a toll, as it’s a constant battle.

If anyone who has read this needs help, you can always reach out to me. I am not a professional, however, so I would recommend a crisis line: 1-800-273-8255

Thank you for reading. Really, thank you.

[im-whatchamccallit]

Bucket List//Kim Jiwon (iKon)

Request: can i request for a bobby/scoups angst with a fluff ending? i'm in the mood to cry my eyes out at the same time die with the fluff so yea love you

Pairing: Kim Jiwon x Reader

Genre: Angst (Not so much though, sorry)/Fluff

Warnings: Mentions of cancer

Words: 3.3k

(A/N: First, love you too 😘 Second, sorry this is poorly written, rushed, and not angsty. This was just hard for me to write but the easiest one in terms of the various ideas I had but, like always, if you aren’t satisfied with this, you can just message me and I’ll rewrite it for you)

I watched as his lips moved but could only hear ringing, drowning out each word he said as my body slightly swayed at the words. I felt like I was going to faint but all I could do was sit there and stare, my eyes watering as the young doctor gave me a sad look.

“S-so, what does this mean?”

“The cancer has spread to other parts of your brain and, at this point, the chemotherapy won’t help anymore. I’d say you have about a week to live.” He stared at me in pity, giving me a moment to process the information before placing the small stack of folders onto the nearby desk.

“We can provide you a room here for the time being, if you’d like, and your family and friends can come visit you until yo-“

“They told me it wasn’t that serious. That they could fix it before it got this bad!” I said angrily, my hands clenching at my sides on the exam table as I pushed myself up, standing in front of him with a glare as my vision began to blur.

“I’m sorry, (Y/n), but we thought we had more time and we did everything we could but-“

“I lost my fucking hair for this! Do you know how sick the radiation therapy made me? I woke up in pain every day, I threw up every time I was around food. I couldn’t even eat! They told me I would be okay and I did everything they fucking told me to do for the past year and-“

“And sometimes the results aren’t always what we want them to be.” He cut me off, my breathing becoming ragged as I pursed my lips, blinking rapidly to keep my tears from falling as he just grabbed the beige folders and quickly exited the room, leaving a small ‘Sorry’ with me.

I was only in my early twenties, this couldn’t be the end to my life now. I didn’t want it to be. I always tried to cheer myself up by saying no matter what, cancer-free or not, I’d die in the end but, to die so soon, I wasn’t ready for it. Just thinking of everyone I’d be leaving behind made a small sob fall through my lips, my hands immediately finding their way to my eyes to wipe the stray tears I hadn’t realize fell as I tried to steady my breathing. I had only a week left to live but I’d feel dead inside the entire time, especially when I tell everyone the news. If only I didn’t ignore the pain earlier on, if I saw a doctor as soon as it all began, maybe I wouldn’t be here. Maybe I’d still be here.

I took a deep breath and sighed, blindly fixing my appearance before exiting the room, ignoring the various nurses, doctors, and patients as I made my way out. I felt like a zombie. I probably even looked like one, but could anyone really blame me? The entire drive home, I kept thinking back to how nervous and depressed I was to wake up and go anywhere because my hair was falling out in patches, how I forced a smile onto my face every day to remind myself this wasn’t the end and I wouldn’t let it be my end, and how my friends, coworkers, and roommate stood by my side through it all. I just regret having them fight with me for so long that it’ll all mean nothing in the end.

I realized I was sitting in my parking spot outside the apartment complex, the keys in my hand as the engine was no longer running and I just sat there, thinking. I sighed and unbuckled my seatbelt, opening the door and quickly hopping out. I shut and locked the door, just wanting to lie down and let myself rot away for the next for days because what more could I do at this point?

I kept my head low as I made my way up the stairs and finally to my apartment door, unlocking it and finding my way inside.

“(Y/n)?” I froze as I heard soft footsteps from around the corner, my roommate making his way towards me with a nervous smile.

Jiwon was my number one supporter through everything. The days I wanted to give up, he refused to let me, telling me I could push through and survive and I did, or at least tried to. He’d stay by my side when I became sick from the chemotherapy, even helping me shave my hair down into a nice buzz cut when I felt insecure about the patchiness. Jiwon was always there for me, even when I didn’t ask him to be, so how was I supposed to just leave him in a week’s time, if I even have that long?

“What’s wrong?” Jiwon moved closer, his hands cupping my face to wipe away a few tears I hadn’t realize fell.

I just smiled and reached up to place my hands on his, moving them from my face so that they fell between us.

“Bobby, I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m dying. I only have a week to live and, right now, I don’t know what to do. I have seven days left of my life and there’s so many things I want to do and achieve but it’s almost impossible at this point.” I chuckled as I tried to hold back a sob, my eyes avoiding his although I felt them burning into my face.

“I don’t even want much. All I want is to face my fear of heights, get married… Maybe start a family. Or just go to a beach, I don’t know! I just-“ The silence between us grow intense as I slowly removed my hands from his loose grip, eagerly kicking off my shoes before rushing past him.

“I’m just gonna head to bed.” It may have been only 11 in the morning but the day was already so exhausting. I wanted to be comforted and told everything would be fine despite the circumstances but I also needed to be alone, just for the day.

I gasped as I felt Jiwon grab my wrist, gently guiding me back towards the door as he leaned down to grab my shoes.

“Bobby, I want to sleep.” I nearly jumped back as he turned to place the sneakers in my hand, his eyes sad while he tried to keep his usual happy face, something I learned was a coping mechanism for him.

“If you only have a week left to live, that means you’ll be gone any day now, so I want to spend as much time with you. And, that time, will be us doing everything you thought you wouldn’t get the chance to.”

He was insane. I felt fine but any day, or second, I could drop dead and he thinks he can make everything on my makeshift bucket list come true in just a matter of days? But he is Kim Jiwon, he would sell his own soul if it meant making someone happy, so for him to do whatever he could for me, in my possible final hours of life, was more than I could ask for but something I didn’t want to refuse.

~*~

“Are you okay?” The woman asked as I felt my body sway as I stared down from the ledge, my hand gripping the metal bar next to me as my eyes finally met the ground that was almost 300 feet below us.

I felt an arm wrap around my waist and pull me back, my hand touching theirs to know it was Jiwon. I didn’t think this would be the first stop of our adventure, I sure as hell wasn’t prepared for it to be, but I had to do it.

“Do you think we can go together?”

“Of course. Just put your gear on.” I began to panic as I felt his arm slip away from me, turning to see various people helping his put on the multiple harnesses and his helmet.

Jiwon’s face went from unbothered to worried as he shyly thanked them before finding his place next to me on the platform, my hand instantly finding his as he laced our fingers together. One of the men assisting came towards us, turning our bodies so that we were facing one another before instructing us to wrap our arms around one another. I slowly shuffled closer to him as he immediately pulled me into his chest, his arms wrapped around my head as my arms found their way around his waist, tightening once I heard them counting down.

We simultaneously let out loud screams as they suddenly pushed us over, my eyes squeezing shut as we continued falling before suddenly ricocheting off of nothing. I slowly peeled my eyes open as we swayed through the air, the streets below us growing further away as we were slowly retracted back to the ledge, my eyes looking up to find Jiwon wide eyed, a small smile creeping onto my lips at his new hairstyle created by our upside down position.

“Nice hair, Kim.”

“Nice scream, (Y/l/n).”

I rolled my eyes as rough hands eagerly grabbed at us to help us up, a few people cheering as we immediately rushed off the platform to have the harnesses removed. It was a good experience but would I ever do it again? Never.

~*~

“Is this really all you want for your last few days?” Jiwon asked as his fingers danced lazily across my exposed arm, my body moving further into his as I continued to stare at the ocean, his heartbeat hitting my eardrum as I laid my head on his chest.

I’ve never been to the beach before, mainly because it was a lot further than I thought, but it was nice. The ocean was loud but calming, there was very few people despite it only being 4 in the afternoon, and I even got to play in the sand. Although I wasn’t able to swim and spent more time under one of the complimentary beach umbrellas than anything, it was nice to have Jiwon by my side. He made the best of a bad situation and smiled for me even when we both felt there was nothing worth smiling for, he just wanted to stay positive.

I sighed and rolled over to look at him, my chin digging into his chest as I stared at his relaxed face.

“There’s more I wanted to do but this was all I can think of. But honestly, Bobby, if I died right now, at least I’ll die happy.” I brought my hand to my mouth and let out a small yawn as I pushed myself up, Jiwon standing immediately to help me before placing his arm around my shoulder.

“Ready to go home?” I nodded with a slight chuckle as we stumbled towards my car, our bodies separating as he went to the driver’s seat and unlocking the door.

As soon as we slid inside, we froze at the sound of my phone’s ringtone and vibration. I groaned and began to dig in between the seats and checking the floor, annoyed that this is the third time I’ve heard it since we left home but I still couldn’t find it. The ringing ended abruptly and I groaned louder than before, readjusting myself in my seat.

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll find it later.”

I sighed and placed my seatbelt on, leaning my head against the window as the engine roared. The car slowly pulled out of its parking spot, my eyes shutting as the vibration from the window felt soothing the more we drove. We had almost a two hour ride ahead of us so a small nap wouldn’t kill me.

~*~

“(Y/n/n)?” I groaned and slapped away the hand pressing against my cheek, turning my head over and refusing to open my eyes for the voice I recognized as Jiwon.

“It’s midnight, Jiwon.”

“It’s almost 10am. Wake up, it’s important.”

“How important?”

“Open your eyes and see.” I groaned again before slowly peeling my eyes open, my eyes widening at the sapphire ring between his fingers before trailing to his face, a nervous but wide smirk on his face as I sat up completely.

Maybe I was reading everything wrong. Maybe this was all some weird dream and I just needed to wake up.

“Was this a bad way to propose?” He asked, his lips still curled upwards as I tried to comprehend everything.

Could I marry Jiwon? Of course, I always told him I would if neither of us were married by 40. But would I be marrying him for the right reasons? He was only doing this because I’d be dead soon and he just wanted to make me happy and, even if this wouldn’t be based on actual love, it was still love. He loved me enough to go through all this trouble to make my final days memorable, he loved me enough to help and deal with my illness for the past year although he didn’t have to, and I loved him in general. If it wasn’t for the fact I was sick, and more than certain a time like this would come, I would have told him by now that he was everything that I could want in a partner. I know I’ll never properly confess to him and this is the closest I’ll ever be to having something real with him. So why not?

“No, this was the best way.” I said lowly as my lips curled upwards, a relieved sigh escaping his lips as he reached for my hand, slipping the ring onto my finger eagerly.

It felt so weird but so right, I could feel the tears welling in my eyes as Jiwon grasped my hand and began to help me stand, my feet mindlessly following.

“Come on.” He said softly, guiding me to my bedroom door as I eyed him suspiciously.

“Shouldn’t we tell our parents or the guys?”

He didn’t have to answer as my eyes fell onto our living room, rearranged so that our chairs and sofa were out of view and replaced with various small ones, our parents and friends filling them as a pastor stood before them, staring at us with a small smile. My eyes glanced to the two dogs sitting just by my mother’s feet, a white and brown Border collie licking the head and ears of a white Maltese held in its arms, .the smaller dog not seeming to find the overly affectionate action.

“Who brought their dogs?” I asked quietly, everyone eying use as we slowly progressed forward, mine fixated on the two completely opposite breeds, Eun slowly falling asleep while Emi didn’t let up on the bathing.

“Those two are Emi and Eun. Emi lost her puppies and Eun was abandoned. I was only going to bring one home from the shelter but I didn’t think they should be separated.” My eyes quickly found his face as he stared forward, seeming to be focused on getting us to the priest, even with our small strides.

“I told everyone my plans last night after you went to sleep. It took a lot of convincing for me to adopt them in only a few hours but, after I told them about you and how we didn’t have enough time to have our own kids, they allowed it. They aren’t actually kids but they’re technically our children and it was the only thing I could think of to give you a family of your own.” He said lowly as we finally stood before the pastor, our hands unlocking as we stared ahead but my eyes kept wandering to him.

He didn’t have to do any of this for me, but he did. All I could see around him was some angelic glow that refused to disappear. He had nothing to gain from this yet he still put all his efforts into making me happy, even with the little bit of time we had. I didn’t even feel forced to say I loved him at this point, because it was true.

“(Y/n)! Your landlord said you were here all night and haven’t left yet and I need you to open the door!” We all froze at the sound of my doctor for the past year and a half, Dr. Hahm, as she continued to bang on the door, Donghyuk rushing to open it and possibly tell her off, unaware to her significance.

As soon as the door opened, Dr. Hahm strode inside with a panicked and bitter look on her face.

“I apologize but I’m Dr. Hahm, (Y/n)’s oncologist. An intern of mine filled in for me during (Y/n)’s recent appointment since I had an emergency and asked him to handle revealing your results to you, not knowing a few other doctors had the same task for him with different patients, all with the same condition.” Dr. Hahm sighed and moved closer to me, everyone cautious and confused as she placed her hands on my shoulders, staring into my eyes with nothing but regret.

“You were one of my favorite patients, (Y/n). If it wasn’t for the emergency surgery, I would’ve been the one to tell you, I’ve even called you all yesterday to let you know he made a mistake. You’re not dying, (Y/n).”

This felt like the day I thought I was going to die all over again. I was lightheaded, my body feeling unbalanced as I just stared at her. I could see everyone’s mouth’s moving, probably congratulating me, probably questioning her, or maybe just talking to the person next to them, but there was no sound, just ringing as I took in her words and suddenly, I laughed.

I have no clue why I was laughing but it was the only reaction I could think of, my eyes slowly squeezing shut as I felt my lungs begin to burn from the lack of air. I slowly pulled myself upright and turned to look at Jiwon, a concerned look on his face as I let small chuckles fall from my lips.

“Well then, I guess the wedding’s off.” I hesitantly looked at my ring, trying not to show my disappointment as I began to remove it.

“You don’t want to get married?”

The disappointment in his voice made my smile fall, my body moving closer to his as I tried to keep the conversation as private as possible, which was pretty impossible as everyone stared at us expectantly.

“Jiwon, I’m going to live, you don’t have to do this anymore. We can keep the dogs and everything but don’t force yourself to do this just because you want to make me happy.”

“I’d marry you even if you could live forever, (Y/n/n). If you don’t want to now, that’s fine, but just know that in the future, I’ll ask you again and I’ll still feel the same way about you then that I do now.” My teeth sank into my bottom lip to hide the smile on my face as his hands crept into mine.

“What if my cancer comes back?”

“I’ll still be by your side, I’ll just be your husband.” We stared at one another, a small smile on his face as I was no longer able to hide mine.

I wasn’t going to die but, if I did, I’d died married, a parent to two dogs, and cancer-free, to one of the most perfect human beings I could have ever met. How could I turn that down?

“Excuse me,” My eyes glanced to the pastor who was obviously growing impatient but remaining polite.

“Is the wedding going to continue?” Jiwon stared at me although we both knew my answer, everyone beginning to find their seats as I made eye contact with the officiant.

“Definitely.”

[joylessholland]

Live While I Can (Part 1)

TOMXREADER

(1,826 words)     Part two   Part Three

Warnings: I’m not a DOCTOR, Swearing (a lot), talk of death and sickness

A/N: i had so much fun writing this i might be doing a part two as well. Again i am not a doctor so i just went off common knowledge of stuff!

feel free to massage me about stuff like questions, requests, feedback THX!

ENJOY!  Masterlist

A high-pitched ringing engulfed all the other sound in the exam room. You heard a few words the doctor said but your mind couldn’t focus, “twenty-four percent chance, aggressive chemo, I’m sorry, I’ll give you some time.” When the ringing subsided, you looked at the folder the doctor laid on the table behind you it was full of pamphlets and documents on your ‘condition’. Jumping down from the exam table felt like jumping from the top of a skyscraper, your knees felt as if they would give way at any moment. With each step you took the room got smaller and smaller. Grabbing your bag, you glance around, white from floor to ceiling, a colorful painting hung on the wall as if to make an attempt to make the patients feel a little better, it didn’t work.

On the ride back to your flat you flipped through the folder full of papers on what to do, where to go for treatment, what to do if you were going to… You stopped reading. When the car came to a halt in front of your flat, while thanking the driver you notice a familiar car parked by the curb. Outside the door to your flat you see a young man with brown curls flipping through his phone, when he notices you he gives you a warm smile. What he didn’t expect was your response wouldn’t be a smile back or even a casual hello instead you let out a small whimper and tear began to fall from your eyes.

“Whoa, [Y/N] what’s wrong” Tom said coming over to you and grabbing your shoulders. “If I’d known you missed me so much I would have stopped by yesterday.” He tried to joke but when you began you cry harder he knew it was serious.

Helping you into your home he sat you on the couch, carefully sitting next to you. Leaning against your best friend you felt so safe like today’s events never accrued, but they did. “Tell me what’s wrong, love.” He whispered putting his arm around you and rubbing small circles on your shoulder.

“I fou-found…” you try, taking a deep breath wiping your face “I have cancer” a long moment of silence followed your statement. Looking up at Tom his expression was blank as he stared forward, eyes glazed, body tense. “Tom” you ask your voice hitching, “Your-Your joking right, this is some kind of sick fucking prank?” He finally mustered “No, Tom it’s not.” tears sting your eyes again as you see some brim in his. Letting go of you he stands wiping his eyes sniffling the tears away, “What kind” he asks still not facing you. “The bad kind, the doctor said there’s only a twenty-four percent chance I survive.” Running his hands through his hair he lets out a sad sigh, you grab his arm and turn him to face you. His eyes are red and damp, you stand and wipe away a stray tear that fell. “Stop crying, I’ve done enough for both of us” you cup his cheeks in your hands, “Plus you just got back in town, I will not be responsible for messing up your break” he lets out a sad laugh “You shouldn’t be alone tonight, come over Mums making diner”, “I don’t wanna intrude on a family dinner.” Sitting back down on the couch “You are family” Tom says putting a hand on your shoulder.

Standing in the drive you stare at the quaint Holland residence. Looking to the front yard you remember all the sunny days you spent with Tom and Harrison playing the day away, you look to the roof where Tom held you when you got the news of your parent’s accident, then to the top branches of the tree in their back yard where your hid from your foster parents when you ran away. Nikki was the first to spot you through the dining room window, waving you inside you give her a small smile.

“Just because you weren’t moving doesn’t mean I couldn’t see you!” she pulls you into a tight hug “How are you dear” she asks ushering you into the kitchen where the rest of the Hollands are bustling to get dinner ready. “Hey guys”, everyone greets you, Paddy is sat upon the kitchen counter drying the plates that Dom is washing, Sam and Harry are both flipping through their phones. “Tom, Can I talk to you for a sec?” stepping into the hallway he asks if everything is okay “Yeah, it’s just did you… you know tell them?” you ask in a hushed tone “It’s not my news to tell [Y/N]” he says patting your arm, your response is cut off by Nikki calling everyone to the table for dinner. The table is set with a full meal of lasagna, salad, green beans, and sweet potatoes. Nikki and Dom sit at both heads of the table, Sam and Harry sit next to each other on one side of the dining table and your spot is set with Paddy on your left and Tom on your right.

Dinner conversation begins, every time there’s a moment of silence Tom gives you a silent reminder that you have to tell them at some point. About halfway through the meal Nikki finally pops the question “So, [Y/N] anything new with you?” grabbing your wine glass and filling it you hear Tom whisper “finally” under his breath, kicking his shin you begin.

“Um, actually there is something I need to uh, tell you guys.” You take a gulp from your glass. “You can tell us anything, Dear.” Nikki prompts and you begin “I went to the doctors today, and they told me that…” you take another sip of wine. I need something stronger you think to yourself. “What is [Y/N]?” Dom asks “Um, I have” you swallow the lump forming in your throat “I have cancer”

Sam chokes on his water, Tom puts and hand on your back, Dom freezes in place, and Nikki drops her fork and lets out a gasp. “Oh, Sweetheart” her voice muffled by her hands, you place a green bean in your mouth giving a small nod. “I need to…need to get something from the kitchen.” Nikki says rushing to the other room followed by Dominic worry ever-present in his eyes.

“Are you gonna die?” Harry asks. “Harry, what the hell man. You don’t ask a dying person if their gonna die.” Sam says slapping his brothers arm “Shut up, both of you.” Tom snaps. “Don’t worry about it Tom, and Yes I’m probably gonna die.” You say sarcastically prompting a gasp from Tom “Can we not talk like that, especially in front of Pads.” He pleads.

After a few minutes Nikki and Dom return from the kitchen, Nikki’s eyes red and Dom shoots the twins a zip-it look. “Have you made an appointment yet?” she asks hands folded in front of her “No, I haven’t um,” she cuts you off “Good, Dom knows this doctor he can give you his number and you can make an appointment, and if you need anything.” Her voice sweet and calm but you can see the grief in her eyes. “I’m actually not making an appointment.” You say casually waiting for Tom response which came quicker than you expected. “What do you mean you’re not making one?” he asks his voice firm

“I’m not gonna sit in a doctor’s office where they pump me full of poison so that I can spend my last days next to the toilet vomiting my guts out, Bald. I’m going out with a bang, not a whimper. I’m gonna live while I can.” You state a hint of sass in your tone “Think about this [Y/N]!’ Tom pleads his voice went from a grown man commanding respect to a little boy who just lost his favorite toy. “I have” you say standing “Thank you so much for the meal it was delicious, Nikki” you start towards the door as the sound of the Hollands beg you to stay is drown out by that same ringing from earlier.

The cool night air hits you and you feel tears brim in your eyes halfway down the drive you hear the door open behind you it’s Tom “[Y/N] come back, please”. You start down the road and his footsteps are close behind “Tom, please just leave me be!” you call back to him. He grabs your arm his grip tight as he spins you around “You can’t run from this, not this time” he was right you couldn’t but it’s all you knew, it’s what your good at. “But I can run from you.” You stomp his foot and bolt off, good thing you wore tennis shoes and not heels you think. Snapping your head back you see him giving chase, “Nice try” you mutter and run faster, there was no way he was going to catch now and he knew.

The moon was high in the sky and it reflected off the pond so beautifully. The rock below you was cool and the fall air nipped at your nose and ears. You heard a car pull up behind you, then the door open, then close again. One, two, three, four footsteps. “[Y/N]” Toms voice quiet as he walked to you. “How’d you find me?” you ask scooting over so he could sit. “How did I know you’d be in your favorite place, oh I don’t know” you scoff at his statement “It’s a great place to yell at God” you spoke softly pulling your knees up to your chest “What does that mean” he asks picking up a rock and skipping It off the pond. “Well…” you get off the rock and stand at the edge of the shore “FUCK YOU, YOU SON OF A FUCKING BITCH” you yell at the sky “FUCK YOU, FIRST YOU TAKE MY PARENTS, NOW YOU TAKE ME TOO,” you scream your voice breaking as tears fall down your checks “FU-fuck you” you collapse to your knees “fuck…”your words are cut off by your sobs. Tom comes to your side and helps you up. You cry into his chest for what seems like hours as he shushes you.

“You’re not going to die” he tries “Don’t gimme that bullshit” you sob, “You are not going to die” he says slowly cupping one hand on your cheek and the other find itself on your neck. “What do I have to liv-“ he cuts you off by smashing his lips against yours. His body radiates heat and warms your body and heart. The pure love behind the kiss makes your body melt into his and in that moment, nothing mattered. When the kiss is broken you press your forehead to his “That’s the nice way anyone’s ever told me to shut up” “Your making that appointment” he says kissing you again so you can’t protest.

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