#I won’t share all my insecurities lol but ya.. figuring it out still!

[toadallytickles]

Hey Jess! Pretty personal question, but I really valued your breakdown of your sexuality, and so I was hoping you might be open to sharing your experience with your gender identity? I’ve read descriptions and explanations, but it’s all very clinical and detached. Was hoping you’d be willing to share! If not, that’s okay, and thanks for reading!

Hey there, anon! I’m very okay with personal questions like this! Also it's perfect for Pride Month! 🌈 I’m really happy to hear you enjoyed my sexuality posts! That means a lot! I like being open and talking about these personal experiences and feelings because it may help someone else! :)

I’m a little worried that I may not answer this the way you want, or be able to break it down like my sexuality post as I actually have been questioning and unsure of myself for months now. I’m honestly not the most up-to-date or knowledgeable on a lot of genders and terms either! I’m currently learning and discovering my gender, and honestly it's at a point it's a little frustrating.

I’ll still share my gender experience though! :)

I definitely was a tomboy growing up; I liked catching frogs and snakes, getting dirty in the marshes or just in the backyard, I like playing boy characters, and preferred hanging out with the boys, preferred boy-marketed toys! But I was bullied a lot, throughout elementary school and a bit through high school. And that made me feel like an ugly girl, an undesirable girl. Along with that, I hated puberty- haha! I hated having a period, and having to shave my legs. And all this made me wish I was a boy, and want to be a boy! Like maybe I would be better liked by my peers as a boy, maybe I would be accepted. I can remember asking my mum if I could have a sex change four times in the past! She said no, of course. It wasn’t even because I felt like a boy deep down, I was just so sick of being a girl and having to do “female-assigned things.”

This is embarrassing for me to share, though when I was in grade 8 (I’m 13 years old) my sister wanted to see Justin Bieber’s Never Say Never documentary in theatres- I had the choice of seeing that, or Gnomeo and Juliet. I wasn’t interested in celebrities or had crushes then, but I was a little curious about Justin’s story. Welp, that documentary turned me into a huge Belieber. I practically fell in love with him, and felt like the most beautiful girl listening to his songs, and my room was decked out with posters! But I look back now on my love for him and laugh, because it definitely wasn’t just a romantic crush.. I did want to be him, or a cute boy like him. This part gets awakened when Justin Bieber guest starred on CSI: Las Vegas as a character named Jason McCann… and I have no idea why, but I was obsessed with the character he played. This is when I started wearing plaids, dressing masculine, and wanted to cut my hair short. I was so in love with this fictional kid that on a birthday cake when I was turning 18, the name written on it was “Jessica McCann”, I made a Build-A-Bear based on Jason, and when my moms went to Vegas, they brought me back a CSI: Las Vegas t-shirt, and I never even watched the show! Only the episodes Justin Bieber was in, which was just two I think. Oh, also I was Justin Bieber for Halloween once! This really was a bad case of, “do I like him, or do I want to be him?” And don’t worry- I’m no longer a Belieber, my crushes are entirely gone, and I actually don’t pay mind to celebrities these days! Though I still sing along to younger Bieber songs~

The desire to cut my hair short was for years, though it was in high school when the desire was strong and I was always talking about it and researching it. I had horrible self-esteem and social anxiety back then too; I was constantly reading articles on what men thought about women with short hair, because I always put others’ opinions before mine and craved acceptance. And these readings were conflicting because some were empowering, and some were just.. straight up mean! I didn’t want to be even more ugly and undesirable than I already was! Come grade 11 (I’m 16), I met a girl with curly short hair that I admired so much. I loved her hair and how it worked for her. I was so enamoured by her hair, there was this day in Parenting, it was 11am on a Friday, I stared at her a little too long that a crush on her grew on me.. Like I literally felt the crush start seeping into me. And I liked her for 2 whole years; it followed me into college. And we went to different schools! Anyway, because of her, I got my shoulder-length hair cut into a Bieber-esque pixie cut four days before entering grade 12 (I’m 17)! And that was literally one of the best days of my life. Even though I was still super insecure about myself, I was so happy I got my hair cut. It was life changing, it gave me a confidence boost. I really started to feel like me. Like I was meant to have short hair.

Everyone was super surprised by it! And loved it! I got a lot of “It suits you!” but a few “So when are you gonna grow it back?” which was so frustrating! Even though my haircut made me so happy, I was still scared of how boys would view me. I had fears that no one would ever like me or find me pretty. I forced feminine appearances (clothes-wise) to still be attractive to boys even though I was uncomfortable. The summer of 2015 (I’m 18), Orange is the New Black’s Season 3 premieres, and they introduce a new character named Stella Carlin played by Ruby Rose.. and the internet went crazy for her. I did too. When I saw her in the trailer, something immediately awoke in me. I had no idea women could look like that and be loved and accepted and wanted! Looking her up I learned of the words “Androgynous” and “Genderfluid.” I read Ruby Rose’s story and related a lot of what she shared. Androgynous stuck with me. Finally a word to describe how I want to appear! I liked the term Genderfluid, but I dismissed it as I didn’t feel “boy enough” to be able to take the label. Some days I just wished I was a boy and wanted to look like one. I get my first chest binder in 2016 (I’m 19), and wearing it validated something in me. I really liked having a flat chest and appearing masculine, and sometimes being mistaken for a boy! I wore it from time to time, just whenever I felt boyish. Though oddly I haven’t worn it for about a year now. These days I am a lot more comfortable with how my body looks!

I much preferred to be called “Jess” by good friends. My family always called me “Jess,” I didn’t grow up with a nickname, I was just “Jess,” while all my other siblings got nicknames. I was just “Jess,” that when they called me “Jessica,” it was foreign sounding- I wouldn’t recognize it as me. Teachers could call me “Jessica,” but it was weird when friends called me that. I started introducing myself as “Jess” in 2019. I liked that it was unisex. Now I don’t register myself as “Jessica” when it's called.

Androgynous is more used to define gender expression (how a person publicly expresses or presents their gender by behaviour and appearance), though earlier this year I accepted it as my gender identity (how a person feels and experiences their gender) too as I have started to feel some genderfluidity, and its all over the spectrum. Androgynous just feels so comfortable on me. It fits perfectly. Back when I cut my hair, I did identify as a CIS girl, I just liked being masculine. Though over the lockdown, I did a lot of research and self-analyzing. I always knew there was more to me, but I’ll admit that I haven’t been allowing myself to question my gender. Unfortunately I had this phobia that I would come off as annoying or too much for wanting to try pronouns or identifying differently, which I know is so wrong. But I was holding back, and I still kind of do hold back. I know it’s so bad sorry!

I love being a woman and I love womanhood, but frequently I don’t feel like any gender, and sometimes I’m boyish/masculine-feeling, or I wish I were a boy. There’s the random day I fantasize about having a penis! I’ve been doing some research over the pandemic, though nothing is really clicking for me yet! I’m not really sure what labels I’m able to use. And it's tough too because I don’t personally like having a lot of labels for myself! So yeah.. the pandemic has been tough on me mentally too where I just don’t even feel like myself and I’m just floating here. Like I don’t know who I am anymore. It’s been really frustrating honestly.

I have a hard time reading and researching too! It can feel clinical and detached! I always feel like I’m not understanding all the way, or I’m going to choose the wrong labels. I think what you’re doing, asking questions and checking out people you know or understand a little will help you out! There are a ton of YouTubers who educate on gender and sexuality, and talk about their experiences with them! I only started using Androgynous as a gender identity and expression because of a YouTuber I stumbled upon said they used Androgynous for their gender identity and expression! There are also a lot of Tumblrs that educate gender too and accept asks! Or if there’s a label or term you’re curious about, you can reach out to a member who identifies that way and ask what their experience is or how they feel! If they’re open to that. You’re right, this can be a personal question!

At the end of the day, you can’t be wrong with your gender and pronouns. You’re allowed to experiment! If you like how a label, term, or pronoun sounds with you, you’re allowed to take it. And you don’t owe anyone an explanation on why you define yourself that way. Just like with your sexuality! This is about you! And making yourself comfortable! You don’t have to strictly stick to a definition! You can give it a twist and define it for yourself!

This is a lot! And I hope it’s helpful to you! And I hope I didn’t say anything wrong! I know it’s really messy! Please feel free to ask more questions, if you’d like! I love these kinds of questions! It’s okay to be discovering yourself! It can be frustrating and hard, your feelings are always valid, and we constantly grow and discover ourselves! Be patient and kind yourself! Treat yourself how you’d treat a friend! 🌈

[bnhablessings]

Comfort/fluff Headcanons or scenarios for Present Mic, All Might and Eraserhead reacting to their insecure s/o wanting to get married? Like s/o has been acting off and distancing their self because they don't feel worthy? Thanks if you do🥺💖

I adored this request with my ENTIRE being. (I ended up doing both headcanons and scenarios lol) I love them and I hope you think they are comfy/fluffy enough! It’s been a while since I wrote about the three men and I love them.

All three of them would love to show you how much you mean to them in a nsfw way ; )

All Might, Eraserhead, Present Mic x Reader (GN/NB)

Warnings: Angsty for a hot second, fluff, the reader is insecure, Present Mic’s so the most angsty one omg.

Words: 2,133

Aizawa Shouta (Eraserhead)-

Chances are if you are starting to think about marriage, he is too

He is very observant so he’ll notice the change in your behavior immediately

He won’t do anything about it for a while because he will be a smidge confused at first but once he realizes what is going on he will bring it up as soon as possible to get the problem over and dealt with

If he suspects you’re being insecure about yourself, he will be more loving towards you

Aizawa doesn’t know how long he can pretend everything is fine. He knows it’s not. You’ve been acting strange and the worst part is you haven’t been opening up to him. It’s killing him and making him more moody than usual. Thankfully, he got off his patrol early tonight to come home to you.

As soon as he enters the shared apartment you live in, he takes note the kitchen light is on and you are passed out on the couch. The sight makes his heart hurt. You are curled up in a ball covered in a blanket. It’s obvious you fell asleep crying from how puffy you are eyes seem to be. He sighs and goes to fix the blanket when he notices a picture under the blanket being held to your chest with your other hand.

With a gentle touch, he pulls it from your grip and stares at it with a smile. It is a picture of when the two of you started dating. A shaky breath leaves you and he decides now is a good time as any to talk. He places the picture on the coffee table nearby and lifts you and the blanket gently up so he can scoot behind you and hold you.

You let out a sleepy hum before you wake up fully upon realizing that Aizawa is back. You go to sit up and move but he holds a tight grip on your waist.

“Stay. It’s been a while since we were last like this,” He mumbles.

His voice sounds so tired and you feel guilty immediately. However, the warmth he provides to your back makes you give in. You snuggle as close as you can to him and he lets out a content sigh. The air feels slightly melancholy but he is sure to fix it.

He might as well just come outright and say it.

“I want to marry you.”

Your eyes widen and your breath hitches. He can feel the slight trembling in your body as you try not to cry.

“Do you not want to marry me?” The question has no emotion to it. He’s just trying to figure out why this topic is making you this way.

You struggle to turn and he helps you so you are both face-to-face. He knows you are vulnerable right now so he is careful with you. You are after all his precious person. He cups your face and you lean into his warm hand.

“I know you’ve been pushing yourself away from me lately. I figured you needed space but now I know that isn’t the case. Do you wish to separate? I love you so if that is what you want to do I will take it into consideration-“

You quickly interrupt him with a panicky voice. “No! That’s not it at all! I love you more than you’ll ever know. I have been thinking of marriage too… but… You deserve someone better. After all that you do for me and others… How can I call myself your (husband/wife)? It doesn’t feel right since you deserve someone who people can approve of.”

He stares at you long and hard. He is pissed off at your thoughts but gentle in how he reacts to them. It takes him a moment before he just places a kiss on your forehead.

“I want you. I want to marry you. I don’t care what other people think and you shouldn’t either. You are everything I want and you make me a better person. I want no one else but you. Just take some time and think about it. We’ll talk more when you feel better but (Name)… I want you.”

He’s not much of a talker but you needed to hear it from him. You need to know how much you mean to him and how happy he would be just to have you married to him.

Yagi Toshinori (All Might)-

If you are in a relationship with Toshi, it’s probably been a really long time and he’s been thinking about marriage as well

HOWEVER, he will be just as insecure as you are

He will distance himself to with work or even bring it up to you how you should be with someone not as busy as him (this may change when he retires)

He’ll play the same card you play: that you deserve to be with someone better

 “(Name), what’s been going on with you lately?” Toshi decides to ask after seeing you look so down watching your favorite show.

It leaves him a bit nervous but he wants to talk to you. He hasn’t been feeling so well with the current idea that’s been lingering in his head. With his own odd behavior, he has barely noticed yours but still has. He was going to push you away further but the thought nearly killed him.

How could he do that to the person he loves most?

You seem to hesitate before you decide to be honest. “I… Think we need to separate. I love you but I don’t deserve to be with you.”

It feels like he has whiplash as he stares at you with concerned eyes. Quickly, he pulls you up so you’re standing and he looks down at you before just hugging you. The panic is obvious on his face as well as the hurt from the suggestion (even though he was feeling the same way).

“Don’t say that. I am the one who doesn’t deserve to be with you. You deserve better. I love you more than you can ever know but you deserve someone who can actually make time for you and proudly show you off. I want to announce to the world that you are my (husband/wife) but I’m terrified of you turning into a big target. I wouldn’t be able to handle that.”

“I want to marry you too but… I don’t- I just don’t think I deserve you. You are so kind, loving, and patient with me. Would you really be okay with marrying me? You’d be stuck with someone who doubts themselves-“

He cuts you off with a passionate kiss this time before returning to a simple hug.

You hug him tightly as you both take a moment to relish in each other’s embrace. Finally, you speak up but in a barely audible whisper. “Are we okay then? What should we do?”

“…Well, we both love each other and from our current situation we’re both insecure, I think we should stay together. I want to stay together. We can go to therapy so we can stop our insecure thinking. I don’t know but I do know I don’t want to break up at all. I love you and I will continue to fight for us. We have time to get married so we can work on ourselves together.”

He takes a moment to just hold you and you are so thankful that you weren’t the only feeling insecure as shitty as that is. It just means you both are perfect for each other and for thinking about one another. You can both work for this and that is what you want to do because you do want to be married to him.

“You are the best thing that has happened to me. You’re the one who gets me and is patient with me. I’ll take tomorrow off so we can make up for lost time,” Toshi murmurs.

Yamada Hizashi (Present Mic)-

Zashi wouldn’t notice you distancing yourself at first

It would take a while but he will notice the moment you neglect him physically

Zashi is a very touchy and clingy person so he will notice the moment you avoid his touches and boy will be H U R T

He’ll force a smile and leave you be a for a bit but will 100% complain to Aizawa

After much-needed courage, he will ask you about it and he will probably cry tears of joy for you wanting to marry him and yell (by complete accident) that you don’t think you are worthy

 Yamada winces once more as you attempt to scoot away slowly. He’s so grateful you actually showed up to his radio show but now that you’re here it’s like you are not. You listen to his voice and the songs he puts on with a strained smile and seem so far away.

He finally decides to just put on a mix his audience will love so he can have time to sort this out here and now. He just can’t handle it. It’s been so long since you last held his hand.

“Alright listeners! I’ll see ya in a few after this break. Enjoy these AWESOME new tunes that yours truly loves!”

He puts the music on and turns to you who is already staring at him with wary eyes. His face suddenly falls and looks like a puppy that just got kicked. Your heart is doing everything it can to not fall apart at the sight.

Slowly his hand goes to reach for yours but you are quick to move it into the safety of your lap. His eyes start to get misty and he finally snaps. “I- Um… Do you want to break up with me?” The words come out choked as he tries to keep his voice from shaking.

“What?! No!”

He’s doing the opposite of what Aizawa told him to do. He’s going in and assuming shit when Aizawa said to bring this up in calmly matter. Yamada can’t help it. He feels so torn and truly unloved right now.

“Are you sure? You haven’t held my hand for days. Days! The only time we have had our sweet cuddle sess is when you are passed out. Did I do something wrong? Did I come off as annoying? Aizawa always jokes about that but I do think that is a reason why no one wants me. I love you so much but if you want to leave me I understand,” Yamada states finally letting the tears leave him.

Your heart races at his words. Emotions are high and you give in. You give in to what you truly want. Your hand reaches for his and you grasp onto it like it is your lifeline and it is in a way. He pauses at the contact before squeezing your hand and trying to keep the way your hand feels like in his to his memory.

“Zashi no. That’s not it at all, my love. I… Just… God, I can’t do this. I don’t know how to say this because it’s so embarrassing and stupid,” You mumble.

He pulls you into his chair so he can cuddle you. Your body finally touching his makes him melt and feel like home. He lets you take a moment and for once stays absolutely quiet so you can gather your thoughts. His thumb rubs circles into your hand to encourage you to speak your thoughts.

“I love you so much. I have actually been thinking about… You know… Getting married but then I started to overthink it and can you truly be happy with just me? There are plenty of other people out there and I just don’t feel like I am enough for you,” You say finally letting out a shaky breath as well.

It takes a moment before he is laughing. The laughter takes you by surprise but not as much as the way he lets go of your hand to squeeze you in a tight hug. He wipes at his eyes.

“Was that is, my honey? I love you more than the world knows. In fact, I should announce soon that you are my world! You are more than enough. You are everything I want, I promise you! I will tell you this every day until it is engraved into your mind. So please… Don’t push me away like that again. I don’t think my soul can take it!”

He doesn’t give you much of an option to reply since he has to go back on air but he does hold you like the way you both love throughout the rest of the show, reminding you that he truly does love you.

[bunny-xoxo]

Bunny’s 200 follower event

request: hi hi!! i just saw ur matchups event and i’m super excited... also idk if i’m doing this right 👀 but uh could i have 2 hq matchups? ☺️ i’m a cancer and most likely an infj! i am pretty loyal to people i’m close eith, but otherwise, i’m kinda quiet and closedoff with others. i’m also pretty sensitive and empathetic when i can be 😖 oh! and uhh some of my hobbies include journaling, crocheting, and hiking/walking. now, as for a s/o, i really admire determined and thoughtful people!! (part one ⛈) (part two ⛈) i also like people who are on the more quiet side, but ngl, i love people with a bunch of energy too... so i mean, i could go either way 😅 and uhh i would NOT like a partner who is too cold or insensitive... or anyone who is too immature 😳 oh, some things i didn’t mention before: i’m kinda short (barely 5’2”) and uhh yeah idk if that means anything loll 👀 anyways that’s it :D tysm!! congrats on 200!! 💕

a/n: I’m happy you’re excited!! And don’t worry you did do this right lol! Thank you and I hope you enjoy! I’m also officially adding you as ⛈ anon so this will be easier for you to track :) hello ⛈ anon okok enjoy lol

Warnings: slight timeskip spoilers!

Reading your request, you have been matched with...

(づ￣ ³￣)づ Sugawara Koushi

Ok so hear me out, YES he’s a Gemini and yes you’re a cancer but this is so perfect on all other levels

This mf has to be one of the most determined and thoughtful people I know

Not to mention I think he’s the perfect balance of quiet but also energetic! And he has company that match both so he’s able to match your energy any day of the week

He’s also not quiet in a boring way ya know?

He will tease you lovingly, but in private cause he doesn’t want anyone getting the wrong idea that they can tease you too or something

He’s also mature in a genuine way, like understanding of other people’s perspectives type mature

Not that faux I’m a dude type mature

Ok anyways onto your relationship

He will shamelessly ask for a crocheted scarf, mittens, and sweater

And he WILL wear them

They can be a set or not doesn’t matter his heart might actually burst if you give him anything of yours that you’ve crocheted

Pls he has a scarf you made him when it starts getting colder outside and one day a kid in his class asked about it and he was so 🤩

It took everything in him not to talk about you and your scarf all day

He simply told them his spouse made it for him and yes every kid immediately wanted one ☝🏼

Your loyalty and dedication to the relationship would mean a lot to him and he’d always be doing his best to show you he is just as dedicated

I feel like he’d do that like trying out your hobbies with you!

He’d totally sit and let you teach him how to crochet and then try his best to make you a scarf it does fall apart the first try and it does defeat him a little but boy is DETERMINED to make you a mf scarf

Ok I’m sorry enough with the crocheting LMAO

He’d love taking afternoon walks with you!

I could totally see you guys taking a little walk around the block or at a nearby park after you’re both off work and just catching up with your days and then making dinner when you two get home

They’re the highlight of his day :)

His students would know probably so much about you LMAO

You bring him lunch ONCE and you didn’t realize his kids would be still be in the classroom and they’re immediately bombarding you, they are also calling you by your first name LMAO

“Hi (y/n)~~~!”

“Oh my gosh can you please~~ make me a scarf!”

“Yeah me, too!”

“Wait wait look what I made you!”

It’s a stick figure drawing of what you think is you and suga on a piece of construction paper that’s your favorite color, why suga told them that you don’t know

Your hair is also rainbow because, they’re children LMAO

And Suga’s just standing there like 🧍🏼‍♂️

But it’s very sweet and it warms your heart to know that he’s always thinking of you :)

Your vibe reminds me of...

Another suitable match for you would be...

(づ￣ ³￣)づ Akaashi Keiji

He’s a bit quieter than Suga for sure, but with the company he keeps - I mean cmon Bokuto? - he’s CLEARLY ok with being energetic or at the very least being around energetic people

Ok with akaashi you’re not getting rid of Bokuto let’s address that first, you’ve just gained a new bestie

He is ALWAYS fawning over you two when you’re all together

Candid vids of you guys are basically all his private snapchat story is at this point

He’s really your biggest fan it’s so sweet, allbeit overbearing at times but he means well ❣️

I’m sorry,... I’m bringing up crocheting again...

If you crochet akaashi anything you have to make a second one because Bokuto will want one too I’m sorry LMAO

SOmtimes he doesn’t fully grasp that not everything involves him in the relationship, he just loves y’all

He wouldn’t cross boundaries though he’s not like that :)

Ok moving on from Bokuto LMAO

You two are that quiet, really gorgeous couple that scares people asjdkskajs

Like seeing you two together in public and you’re both so quiet but OBVIOUSLY love each other with the way you’re so physically close in proximity and the way you keep looking at each other

You two communicate with just your eyes ALL the time, like y’all will basically have full on conversations

You’ll be tired and want to go home to cuddle, and you’ll just look at Akaashi and the two of you will exchange a few glances before nodding your heads and your walking out hand in hand bye

It scares Bokuto

Anyway

PINKY HOLDING

I do see him as a big hand holder in public but he’s also insecure about his hands :(

So I feel like he’d have a habit of holding your hand and then letting go soon after when he gets insecure, and lord help him if his hands are clammy oh no

But you’d be so !!! No let me hold it!!

So you’d just latch onto his pinky one day when he goes to pull his hand away and just share a look

So now pinky hand holding is the norm

Ok he’s the kind of guy who would lowkey like how short you are

Like it’s perfect for cuddle dates

His fav is to lay in bed with you in between his legs and your leaning against his chest, and he’ll rest his chin on top of your head or just hold you there in general while you watch movies on his laptop

Your height is just so convenient for him

Also lowkey loves having to grab things off the top shelf for you and won’t change his habit of putting things up there so he can still grab them for you

One time tho he came into the kitchen to see you climbing onto the counter to grab something from the top shelf and he thought it was cute at the time until he had a bad dream that night about you falling and getting hurt somehow absjskakjdjd

Suddenly things are a bit easier to reach around the house...

Also a guy who loves walks :) early morning ones to school were his favorite cause they always started his day off ~right

Your vibe reminds me of...

I hope you liked this!!! I’d love to hear your thoughts! Good day ⛈ anon!

Requests are open until February 26th 8:00 pm PST

-🐇out

[thinkingspace]

It’s Kinda Nice...

It was about a month ago when I realized I wasn’t what people say I was. Letting go of this thing, this thing that sorta stuck with me. A handful of people have always labeled me as selfish, fake, and that I have a big ego. The saddest part was, I believed them? And for what? Ya know? Lol. It took years away from me, years that could’ve been great for me had I not surrounded myself with negative people. I don’t ever remember what it was that made them think I was ever those things? Was it because I felt happy in the way it took an hour to do my hair and I felt cute? Because I loved sharing my passion for...art? Something I spent hours alone with? Learning, practicing, creating? Was it because I treated myself well? That I didn’t hate myself? The more I try to figure out why, the blurrier it gets. Which can happen. I don’t blame myself. I never like, actually hated myself. Like, I was never big on the negative self talk except maybe when my anxieties got bad. When I didn’t know how to take care of myself. But, like, where did they get that idea? All I did was maybe laugh really loudly and have confidence. Now that I’m changing, physically and mentally, it’s like, I’m looking myself in the mirror and not seeing those labels anymore. My friend told me the other week that people can be your abuser without them knowing it, or maybe they themselves were victims to abuse and were projecting their insecurities out on other people. Which we talked about and I was like, yeah. The people who’ve said these things to or about me have never actually apologized or changed their ways. Still in the same place, with the same people, living lives I can assume aren’t as exciting or stimulating as my own. But I don’t live a patterned life. As a teenager, I always wanted something new and exciting, I travelled, met people, put myself out there, wasn’t afraid to show my art, wasn’t afraid of myself, wasn’t afraid to dress a certain way, but that was taken away for a short time when I believed them. I stopped sharing my art as much, stopped dressing up as much, stopped posting my selfies, stopped sharing my views of the world. Now though, I know I was never selfish, if that were true, I wouldn’t have gone through a metamorphosis. I wouldn’t have evolved. I would’ve been stuck. Like, I want to share my art again, put myself out there, because it was always my confidence. It’s always my confidence in myself that scared insecure people. I can go up to people and they won’t even look me in the eye sometimes, they get fidgety, they stutter. I never have these problems, I can talk publicly, I can smile and make people laugh. Thanks to my Mama and Papa, I have friends from around the country, powwow friends, older and younger. It’s not just a certain age group, my adoptive grandparents from Canada, an elder who gave me her regalia, clients who I’ve quietly commissioned, there’s tons of support I’ve never really seen before because of my abusers. I don’t blame them for hurting me, they must not have the confidence I’ve had, so they try to bring me down with them. I don’t like that they have to talk negativity about people or gossip about other girls. But their karma will catch up to them, like it caught up to me last year. How I lied to everyone saying it was fine, healthy. Truly, my body wasn’t. Now, myself, really am at my happiest and I wish them that. To change. To travel. To create. There’s nothing really left for me in those people, I outgrew them. Outgrew those labels, which shouldn’t have took years. So grateful and fortunate that there’s this place of peace, where my confidence isn’t frowned upon, where I’m surrounded by people who grow constantly, I don’t remember the last time I hung out with the same crowd and it’s cool! If someone new were to tell me about their lives, I wouldn’t consider it bragging or them being selfish, so happy I was raised to not judge so harshly, to not treat others as one-dimensional beings, my daughter treats people so kindly, she’s the sweetest, we’re doing such a great job with her. Anyways, love you. 🥰

[lululawrence]

I'm interested in writing fic but it seems like everyone who writes on here, who I look up to, has some sort of formal writing training in the past and/or its part of their career. I'm worried that I'll make rookie mistakes that I see everyone here tear apart and no one will read any fic I manage to write. Any advice to overcome this insecurity? Or advice about resources for writing so I can learn about how to write properly? Thanks so much, I love ur writing so much

awwww i wanna hug you.

okay first off....anyone can write. and the “rookie mistakes” that people tear apart are choices that some people deliberately make. there will always be masterposts about some pet peeve that someone thinks is a legitimate writing tip and it’s...not. lolllll you won’t see me reblogging a lot of them just because i feel like SO MUCH of writing has to do with personal style. (unless it has to do with the use of orbs because that is my personal pet peeve like PLEASE DON’T USE THE WORD ORBS FOR EYES. i will still keep reading if i see it, but i just...it pulls me out entirely for a minute before i can bring myself to keep going lol) hell, a lot of my personal style in my fics was torn apart by my english professors in college and don’t even get me started on how much my history professors hated my writing (it was a LOT). so like...don’t care about that. throw all those misconceptions away. just cause someone doesn’t like the overuse of adjectives or adverbs or whatever doesn’t mean you can’t use them.

now to the real meat of this. as i said, anyone can write. i encourage everyone to write. there have been so many studies about how writing and journaling and all of that helps your memory and your brain and all sorts of incredible things, but it also has been proven to help with mental health. i’m a huge advocate of it. even if nothing gets published, writing is amazing. 

assuming you do want it to get published though, here are a few tips i have.

1. build a community around you. find friends who are supportive and can be amazing cheerleaders and maybe help you brainstorm when you’re stuck, etc. i would never have finished my first fic much less continued writing if i hadn’t had such amazing people around me. cheerleaders, brainstorming peeps, and friends make all the difference.

2. you know who else makes a difference? betas and brit pickers. you know why? not only can they help you sift through your fic and figure out where you need to streamline, where you need to flesh it out more, and your grammatical errors, but they can also help preread and boost confidence. “hey, you need to fix these things, but this is amazing!” can be so uplifting and helpful, and betas and brit pickers can help you with that. they can also help boost that confidence that your fic is ready to go out into the world. i have several friends who are too scared to have anyone read or help edit their fics before they post them, but i get too scared when i DON’T have them. my first several fics i had at least three or four betas and then a brit pick on top of all of them because i figured the more eyes i had on the fics, the better quality they would be. i relied on that until i felt stronger and found a few betas who best suited my style (and were as nit picky as i want them to be hah). they do hard and heavy work and are amazing. i thoroughly support you getting them. 

because you know what else they do? they help you avoid those “rookie mistakes” that you really do want to avoid. like orbs. (jk. kinda.)

3. keep trying. @briannamarguerite once told me writing is a muscle (and she probably regrets telling me this since i constantly tell other people this too hahaha) but it really is. you’re only going to strengthen that muscle by continuing to use it. the more you use it the more powerful it becomes. you learn so much and you grow and become better and stronger and more confident. the first several are SCARY. hell, even years later i still get scared to post my fics sometimes when it’s something new. but as time goes on, you really do grow in confidence and it feels amazing to see the growth in yourself as well.

4. we always need more fics, so don’t let the fear of mistakes hold you back. every voice gifts us something brand new and previously undiscovered, even if it feels like it’s just another university coffee shop fic or whatever you’re writing at the moment. i promise, it’s not the same as any other fic out there, and you’ll give your own special take on it, and we need it. we want it. we crave it.

5. have fun. we’re all disasters doing the best we can out here in this fucked up world and finding joy as we are able. if writing brings you joy, if you feel like creating a story from start to finish and sharing it with people gets you excited and makes you happy and productive, then DO IT. fuck the haters. you’re brave and strong and doing incredible things.

so there ya go. that’s my advice. haha 

oh! i just reread the ask to make sure i didn’t miss anything, as for writing resources, honestly i’m not sure where to point you. i know some people who are incredibly serious about their writing and they read all sorts of books about it and follow blogs and stuff, but literally all i do is write stories i would like to read. i’ve been an avid reader since i was in first or second grade and never really stopped, so i kinda ignore any formal training people offer and do my own thing. that said, i’m assuming if you’re asking you actually want references and not just me telling you to free ball it hahaha SO i’m gonna tag some people i feel like will have knowledge and advice of such things, but if i haven’t tagged you, please feel free to still reblog and add your thoughts on the end as well as links to places for this sweet person to check out!

hope this helps, nonnie!

@juliusschmidt @briannamarguerite @becomeawendybird @londonfoginacup @sadaveniren @allwaswell16 @fullonlarrie @disgruntledkittenface @helloamhere @greenfeelings @100percentsassy @gloriaandrews @laynefaire and literally every other writing blog out there hahaha help please?

[victakestaipei]

WEEK 1 RECAP: drip drying, pot stickers, and hand-sized snails

I’ve realized that during the weeks here, I’m going to be pretty busy. I am trying to keep a schedule (routine) so that I can have some sort of stability/consistency in this still-unfamiliar place. As a result, I will probably stick to blogging on the weekends, because my “me time” isn’t in excess like I’d hoped. So, with that…

Let’s start with Monday/Tuesday:

As you all know from my previous post, I had a bit of a stressful first day. But things definitely started looking up as the week trucked by…

I started taking the bus to class after the first day. As it turns out, the bus is way more convenient than the MRT. It’s less walking (to get to the bus stop) and it arrives to school in like 7min, and drops me off right across the street from the building that all of my classes are in. The bus is also cheaper than the MRT too! It’s just better in all aspects. One thing to note though is that the bus starts and stops pretty abruptly, so if aren’t holding on to something before the doors close, you will definitely lose balance and find yourself stumbling into the poor old asian woman standing next to you, minding her own business, umbrella and shopping bags in hand.

In terms of my class, that’s a long story so I’ll condense it a bit for ya’ll. My teacher’s name is Cheng, or “Cheng Lao Shi” (meaning Teacher Cheng). And it’s interesting to note the different dynamic of the Asian classroom. First off, there are 7 of us in the class.. three Americans, three Indonesians, and one Swiss guy. Our teacher is friendly and charismatic, like I said in my previous post. But now that the week has ended, I can tell she has this sort of dark humor.. and her facial expressions tell you everything you need to know about what she thinks of your horrible Chinese grammar. I try not to be sensitive because I know it’s not personal, but it’s hard when you already feel insecure about speaking Chinese to begin with. She also, like other Asian teachers, is keen on comparing the students… She says how one student in my class has horrible handwriting, and says that she should practice more so that she can write characters beautifully like I do. (which is a nice compliment I must admit, but she really ain’t had to say all that ya feel?) She even asked me (in front of the entire class) if I would help said student write better… It’s just awkward for me ya know? We all sort of joked/laughed about it but I know that if it was me I would have wanted to pop off.

We also have daily quizzes and homework which keeps me busy at night after I have my daily nap (yes you heard that right, daily nap)… And on my second writing quiz I got a 93%!! Hooray for progress!!

After class my friend Jeannie and I headed out to scout out the on-campus gym. Come to find out, since I am an exchange student and technically a student of NTNU, I get free membership! It is a small facility in terms of the weight lifting area, but the building as a whole is huge, and three or four floors. The weight lifting area has some pretty old/dusty machines, but they keep the AC blasting (thank God) and it has all the necessities I need. On Wednesday after class I headed to the gym with Jeannie and did leg day/abs, and then on Thursday I did back day/abs, and Friday I did chest/shoulders/abs. The locker rooms in the gym are also super duper nice. But I always forget that there’s no toilet paper in the bathroom… By Friday I finally got it through my thick skull that I need to bring my own toilet paper to the gym and into the bathroom itself. Drip drying has to be the most uncomfortable thing on Earth… but ya do what ya gotta do I suppose. 

walking around NTNU after learning about my free gym membership^

Wednesday:

On Wednesday I got up a bit later than I wanted to, so I headed straight to the grocery store after leaving the house in the AM so that I could grab some fruit for breakfast and head to the bus stop. I got a bit turned around when trying to find the bus stop, so I was a little stressed about the possiblity of being late to class. I hopped on the bus around 10am, and I still made it to campus by 10:10, giving me 10 minutes to cross the street and head up the elevator to my classroom. Class dragged on, and I found myself looking forward to those little 10minute breaks we get after every 1-hour of class. After class I hit the gym, and then after the gym Jeannie and I were craving smoothies. We found a cheap spot on the street market with fresh mango smoothies for 60NT! ($2 US). That smoothie had to be one of the best smoothies I’ve had. The mangoes here are so sweet and fresh and just bomb. I ended up getting another smoothie the following day (hehe). After the smoothies we hit up this other food stand where we got some really good fried squid and french fries (not your typical post-gym meal, but it was delicious). I definitely can see myself eating tons of calamari while I’m here because they offer it everywhere, so it’s good that I’m working out because all of this fried food can’t be good for my “summer body” lol.

the mango smoothie place ^ and the fried squid/french fries   v

Today was also the deadline to pay my dorm payment, which was 8800NT (around $295 US [for the entire summer]). Not too shabby right?? After lunch I hopped on the bus and headed home. On my way in, I stopped at the nearby 7/11 to use the ATM and make the payment. Here in Taipei you can go to the 7/11 for just about anything:  printing, copy machine, fax, ATM, food, drinks, buying train tickets, making payments, etc). And there’s a 7/11 on just about every street corner, making it all the more handy. However, I had alot of trouble at the ATM, and it was pretty frustrating. I have a Chase bank account that I never really use (not in the past 4 years at least). I definitely prefer to use my Wells Fargo account, but since my mom uses Chase, it’s easier for me to use that card because my mom can just send me money directly from her account and it’s instant. But, with my Chase account, I didn’t tell them about my travel plans so when I was trying to use the ATM (for my second withdrawal of the day), I was flagged and they put a protective block/hold on my account. After inserting my debit card about 5 more times, I finally gave up and went home. I was able to pay my dorm fee because I already had some cash on hand, and also my first withdrawal was a succcess. I called on Thursday and got everything settled, but it still bugged the hell out of me that I stood there at the ATM like a dumbass. 

After I got home my roommate Bunny told me that she bought her ticket for the Phillipines (which we have been talking about/planning for a few days now). I also had trouble purchasing my ticket online at first, so Bunny paid for my flight (which was about $95 roundtrip) and I ended up venmo-ing her the money after getting off the phone with Chase International Customer Service. We leave for our Phillipines trip in two weeks! I’m PUMPED!!! We leave on Friday early AM (like 1:30 AM) and return Monday early AM (between 1-2 AM). Then I have class on the following Monday at 10am, so I’m sure Monday’s class will drag on even more so than this week had.

Bunny and I ordered pizza for dinner after finishing our homework, and the pizza actually wasn’t awful (to my surprise). I ate the whole thing too fast (because I was starving and it was personal-sized), and crawled into my bunk bed to lay on my stomach. I knocked out shortly after that. 

Thursday/Friday:

The end of the week flew by.. Bunny ended up joining our intensive class because her class level was a bit too easy for her, and we had an open seat available (most classes are 8 students). So now Nick, Bunny, Jeannie, and I are all on the same class schedule (10:15am-1:15pm), and Nick/Bunny/I all have the same exact class. It’s definitely a bit more fun now, and Bunny and I sit next to each other so we always share quick glances when the teacher starts to verge on saying inappropriate things (and quite frankly, wildin’ out on our classmates, and us (occasionally)). On Friday I was super sore at the gym from the previous two days, and decided to do a quick chest/shoulder day. Now that it’s Saturday I regret that decision, because now literally every part of my body hurts… from my thighs to my butt, to my back and my chest/arms. I’m a mess. Crawling in and out of my bunk bed is 10x harder and I can’t help but moan in pain everytime I get up. 

For dinner on Thursday, Bunny and I found this hole-in-the-wall potsticker place right by our campus. 

As it turns out, this potsticker place is open from 8pm-3/4am, and they only serve potstickers, soup, and fried chicken. (the fried potstickers and fried chicken are pictured above ^) 

I have to give them a pat on the back though because they have a great location (right next to campus) and their hours of operation are superb. While walking to the potsticker spot, we ran into a couple quite large creatures. Some of them being large flying cockroaches (like thumb sized roaches with wINGS!!!!!) But the one I really want to note is this snail. We found a snail making it’s way across the sidewalk but it was about the length/size from the tip of my pinky to the bottom of my palm (where my palm and wrist connect). It was HUGE. and TERRIFYING!!!  

We had a test on Friday in class, so Bunny and I reviewed a bit before hitting the hay on Thursday… The test proved to be quite easy actually so I feel really good about it (though I don’t have the grade yet.) Friday’s class flew by and after the gym I headed home to shower and lay down. It’s finally the weekend and I can finally relax knowing I have absolutely nothing to do until Monday. Lord knows I won’t do my assigned homework until Sunday night anyway, so I figured I would just enjoy this small break while it lasts. I would’ve blogged yesterday (Friday), but I elected to binge watch Netflix instead and I have no regrets. Last night (Friday night) we headed out around 9:30 to go to the movies! Bunny really wanted to watch the new Spiderman movie and it actually wasn’t bad. Yes the movie was in English (with Chinese subtitles) and the tickets were only 240NT (around $8 US), and for an extra 60NT ($2), we could have gotten popcorn and a drink!! Crazy how cheap everything is… but I decided to just buy the movie ticket because I wasn’t hungry after dinner and I had my hydro with me. Spiderman was definitely a good end to the week, although I wish Zendaya would have been the love interest instead of whoever the hell that other black girl was.

[oliviandthediamonds]

Maaan, I love my boyfriend... A series?

This man is everything. I am so thankful to have him in my life. Yesterday, I digressed in my own personal growth and I invaded his privacy. I was expecting him to react, so differently than how he did. I’m not sure what i was expecting, but I can say that it had my stomach in knots all day. Even when he got home and everything was fine I felt like I was on the edge of my seat the whole time, so uneasy, anxious, guilty. So let me tell ya what happened, 

My boyfriend’s parents are currently away on vacation, so we thought it’d be fun to play house for a couple of days. On Wednesdays I don’t have any classes, so when he went to work I stayed at his house. Later in the morning, I ended up asking for the password to his laptop and it was half a joke and half serious. In all honesty, I was really going to use his laptop because I’m a lazy fuck. I didn’t feel like getting up and getting out my laptop, plugging in the charger and setting up the wifi. However, I also knew that if I used his I was going to be tempted to lurk, so I knew it wasn’t a good idea. I figured I’d ask him to gauge his reaction, and to my surprise, he so readily granted me access to his laptop even after I joked about me searching through it. After he gave it to me, I mulled it over and told him I wouldn’t use it and I was joking, which was HONESTLY TRULY my intention at the moment. ...But then curiosity got the best of me. 

So after some anxious jitters and apprehension, I said “Ah fuck it.” I went on and snooped around. Deleted a few pics of his ex and friend that I don’t care for. But then I thought hm... he probably has his passwords saved here too, and thus ensued the social media sweep. I looked through everything I could, deleted some likes and old message threads. Let me be clear that there was no “incriminating” evidence on any of it. Anything that I found was from before we knew each other and even the likes of past girls were from before we became boyfriend and girlfriend. I’ve always made it clear to him that if I wasn’t anyone’s girlfriend, then I was living single, so I have no room to judge. Now I wish it could all be that easy, but that’s not how insecurities work. Since, I found nothing to be worried about on his end, my brain naturally decided to turn on myself. “You see those pictures he likes? What they look like? He wants that. Not you,” and it gets ugly, but that’s something I have to work on. 

Then the guilt set in. I had to tell him, so I texted him. He didn’t seem particularly upset, which I thought I was undeserving of, or as if it was too good to be true. So I spent my day anxiously anticipating his return home..., but he came to me with nothing, but love, Ben & Jerry’s, and a pack of mint Juul pods lol. With every kiss and hug he gave me I just felt guiltier. He could tell something was up, but I didn’t know how to fully own and confront my ugly incident, so I was in my head and quiet. Finally, something had to give because I can’t keep things in for too long. We talked about it. He shared his own insecurities with me. I have some baggage and flaws to work through, and he has his own. We came to an understanding of each other, which is really the best you could ask for in instances like this. 

I still feel like shithead for what I did, but all I can say is I’m sorry. It won’t happen again. And thank you, Thank you for being everything I need and so much more. My best friend. My love. I don’t know what I did to deserve you, but I love that your try to show me I AM deserving. I’ll do my best to love ya and treat you with the same patience, understanding and compassion everyday, Ad.