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krashlite · 1 month

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C!Pearl’s a character who people usually only analyze from DL onwards, with her Scarlet Pearl arc influencing future seasons. However, I think it’s very important to look at LL when talking about her, since that season formed a lot of her fundamental viewpoints in this game, viewpoints she’s forced to unpack in later seasons.

LL was the most chaotic and violent season BY FAR, even including LimL! The deaths in LimL were very much gamified, while in LL every life counted. The main lesson the three newcomers learned is that the world is cruel and they can never truly trust anyone. Well, except Pearl didn’t learn that second lesson

Mumbo and Lizzie both spent LL in a constant state of either panic or confusion, with there being a few very brief breaks between. This is the case for LL in general, but with the newcomers it’s so much more startling. They don’t know how this goes, and they see Experienced players paranoid alongside them.

Not to mention Mumbo and Lizzie were constantly put in situations where they couldn’t trust the people around them, whether it be because of a boogeyman or any other reason. With them being in a group of 4-5 people, there was a much higher chance of them being betrayed and they never let themselves relax

Pearl definitely experienced the same panic and confusion, but she adapted much quicker than they did. This is mostly due to Scott being her ally- him being pretty consistent and calm as a person. Not to mention, Pearl only had a single person to worry about, when other alliances had 4-5 people to consider. Any one of them could turn and still have a place with the other members, but a group of two didn’t

(Also sidebar, 3L turned into a game of factions, so in LL everyone immediately started with factions, the exceptions being Ren, Lizzie, Pearl, and Scott. Ren was recovering from his Red King arc and ashamed of his former self, while Pearl and Lizzie were new and hadn’t been adopted into a group like Mumbo had. Scott’s reasoning for picking a small group is that he only stayed safe in 3L when him and Jimmy were fairly isolated, so that’s why he will usually opt for a group of two. Anyways)

Since Scott Only had her, he wasn’t about to turn on her and Pearl knew this. When Cleo later joins the group, she isn’t a risk either due to the circumstances of her joining. Cleo was betrayed, they were killed by a boogeyman in their group. BigB’s betrayal hit so hard that Cleo named him her sworn enemy. Why would they turn on Pearl if this affected them so much? Pearl is able to lean on them comfortably, even as the rest of the server begins to target the alliance (for a green name I might add! Pearl was safest for the longest amount of time this season)

Pearl could trust her team, and her team was honestly well provided for. They had nether goods, they had a spawner, Pearl had enough lives to keep them stable for a few deaths. They’d managed to defend themselves against Constant invasions and weren’t backing down anytime soon.

As for others, Pearl only ever saw them if they wanted to rob her or kill her, having very few interactions outside of that. This establishes that theft and threats are one and the same, with robberies threatening their resources and their survival and threats being, well, threats

The main lesson Pearl learns here is that her team are the only people she can trust, and she trusts them wholeheartedly. They will always have her back, they will always steer her in the right direction. The world is hostile, but they’ll face it together. What Pearl doesn’t learn is impulse control. Her impulse control came in the form of Scott and Cleo, with them being much more cautious than she is

Because of them, Pearl made it to the final four in her FIRST SEASON. This is incredibly impressive, Especially considering how, again, LL was the most violent and chaotic season. She might’ve fallen in the final melee, but she rested easy knowing her teammate won. She had gotten him there, and counts it as a personal victory

When DL rolls around, Pearl employs the same tactics as the last season. LL had a very quick race for resources at the start, specifically for sugar cane and goods from the nether. So Pearl assumes it’s the same thing. She’s preparing for the same chaotic environment as LL and is reassured by the soulmate feature

In her mind, her soulmate is her one designated ally. She trusts them wholeheartedly and assumes they feel the same. No matter what they face, she knows they’ll face it together

Except that isn’t what happens

As it turns out, Scott was her soulmate. But she overlooked one key detail about him- Scott plays it safe. He doesn’t endanger himself unless absolutely necessary. She’d previously assumed it was a matter of practicality, but really it’s a means of defending his own peace above all else, even at the expense of others

So her little trip to the nether with Martyn didn’t just endanger them, it endangered their soulmates. It endangered Cleo and it endangered Scott

Their response is to abandon their soulmates because they felt abandoned. They don’t feel that they can trust their soulmates because of the fact that said soulmates were prioritizing a dangerous mission over them. Except Pearl doesn’t understand this. All she sees is that they abandoned her after she went on a dangerous mission For Them, a mission she would have been previously praised for

Pearl is dropped by the very people she trusted with her life last season, and she doesn��t know Why. To say this crushes her is an understatement

It wasn’t just a rejection from her former friends, it’s a betrayal of a fundamental worldview she developed last season. How could a group that was basically family abandon her just like that? If her designated ally wanted nothing to do with her, then whats the point in trusting anyone?

That last question is pushed to the side, with her insisting on Tilly being her true soulmate. Tilly would never abandon her, she can trust Tilly wholeheartedly. Except Tilly dies almost immediately afterwards, starting her Scarlet Pearl arc

(And I do want to say, I consider Tilly to be fully Dead. The second wolf was a different wolf entirely, but Pearl was in a state of delirium and wanted so badly to have someone to rely on. If it couldn’t be another player, then it would be her dog. Funnily enough, this actually comes up later but that’s an asterisk*)

This arc was basically a constant downwards spiral for Pearl. Any foundation she had was immediately uprooted, any alliance she formed immediately fell apart. This stressed her out to the point she wasn’t sleeping and frequently acted out against the people in her surroundings. Pearl was not maintaining herself in the slightest, her mental state affecting those around her. The main examples I can think of is her stealing horses and sitting in powdered snow to punish Scott, both of which do have explanations

Again, Pearl is basing her actions off of LL, even if she doesn’t realize it. Her alliance was robbed over and over again, usually for things like sugar cane and nether goods. These are things that are high value because they help a team survive. When it comes to pets and livestock, they really weren’t considered unless they were being held ransom. In LL, being stolen from was a threat to someone’s survival

Except this isn’t LL and Pearl is just starting to realize that, with every alliance being stable from an outside perspective. She’s using these thefts to test the waters. If something happens, she’s right to be paranoid and right to lash out. If nothing happens, she can relax, which she does! After stealing Scar’s horse she does briefly stop tormenting the server, instead going back to watching the others.

(^^ I might have the timeline wrong here btw it’s been a second)

As for Scott, her sitting in powdered snow has different connotations than it does for other alliances. She isn’t the only person to hurt her soulmate in this way, Scar actually being the one to suggest this. For Scar it was a harmless but irritating way to get back at Grian for kicking out the Jellie Pandas. It hurt, but it wasn’t meant to actually endanger the other (still abuse btw, just a different kind). For Pearl, her sitting in powdered snow was a tactic intended to make Scott feel unsafe. If he valued his precious security so much that he kicked her to the wolves, then she won’t let him have a moment’s peace.

But going back to the horses- stealing Ren and BigB’s horse was the moment things changed for her. This theft resulted in both of them dying, confirming the idea that thefts threaten someone’s survival. Except Pearl never meant to endanger them, as shown with her defending their items when none other than Scott and Cleo come to scavenge them.

When Ren and BigB return, it’s Pearl who gets blamed for the death, not the circumstances. The blame shifts from the world being cruel, to Pearl herself being cruel. Pearl is unable to cope with this, isolating in response. She sees every other pair finding peace and joy in one another, but she destroys everything she touches. In her mind, she IS the cruelty that exists in the world and nobody is coming to save her.

I think Pearl actually blames herself for Ren and BigB falling apart, which she finds out about when Ren and Martyn “summon” her. This actually affirms the lesson she Just learned, with her accepting the role of Scarlet Pearl. Previously, it was just an act but now it felt more real

She goes on to purposefully endanger others, seeing this as her true role on the server. Pearl had been wearing her red skin before this, but that was only to show her state of mind. Now, she was fully playing into this role, as seen with the fishing rod incident and, again, stealing armor from Boat Boys as a means of threatening their survival

I don’t think Pearl expected to be threatened in return, and her subsequent death did give her a moment of clarity. She was made to understand that her existence in this state was inherently risky, and she needed to be more careful. I think that was the driving force for her seeking out Scott and Cleo to form a tentative alliance. Pearl hasn’t forgiven them at this point, but knew she needed them if she was to last. This forces her to have some level of impulse control, instead of only relying on those around hee

Them being her failsafe put her in a difficult situation when it comes to her Scarlet Pearl role. She was a “Red,” that’s her job, but her team still needed her. But they’re not her team, but she needs them, but she can’t trust them, not after what they did.

But she has to, and that’s what ultimately brings her to side with them; necessity. She doesn’t like them, she doesn’t trust them, a sentiment they return, but she needs them.

The world is cruel, Pearl is cruel, and she needs to defend herself and her own peace- a lesson that, funnily enough, she picked up from Scott

Ultimately Pearl doesn’t learn to care about either of them until the moment she dies. ESPECIALLY Cleo, who ended up siding with Martyn in the end. But it’s Scott’s sacrifice that cuts through the callous she’d developed over the course of the season. He gave his life for her. Scott sacrificed himself FOR HER. The action doubles as changing her perception of him as a person and changing her perception of the world. Scott wasn’t the selfish man she made him out to be, and the world wasn’t filled with senseless cruelty.

Pearl hasn’t learned to trust again, but she’s able to begin the process in LimL

Enter: BigB

BigB’s someone who has had shaky alliances over the ENTIRE series. This started in 3L when the other two Blue Sword Boys ended up on opposing sides of a war, him trapped between them. He learned that season that ultimately he was the only person he could trust. In LL, his initial decision to stay with Cleo then the fairy fort was one made out of necessity, NOT trust. BigB was a sitting duck on his own, and he wasn’t about to have a repeat of last season he got targeted over and over again for being isolated.

And I do think that he cared about the Fairy Fort, they gave him a sense of genuine security that he hasn’t had before. So him being the cause of the Fairy Fort’s collapse gave him a Crisis

The last person he was able to trust that season was Ren, and Ren ended up being his soulmate in DL. Except due to the cheater’s arc BigB blames himself their demise in DL as well (Again, there was shared blame across all parties I made an entire long post about this already).

So BigB is going into LimL with the same lesson Pearl has just begun unpacking; They are the cruelty/danger that exists in the world and can never truly rely on anyone

(Also second sidebar, this is something I love about LimL. Everyone coincidentally got an alliance with matching wounds, but moving on)

The first thing Pearl actually does this season is try to retrieve Tilly, her dog she thinks is still alive. (And here’s that asterisk*) what actually happens is Martyn jokes that he cremated her dog, and Pearl’s unintentionally forced to understand that her dog is dead, she’s Been dead since the start of DL. Breaking apart that delusion was actually Very important to her breaking apart her worldview. If that information was false, what else was she wrong about?

And this is explored through her alliance with BigB. See, the Nosey Neighbors were a fresh start for both of them. They both were re-learning how to trust themselves and others, relearning how to care for others and be cared for in turn. Them watching the server was a lighthearted way to vent their paranoia- again, both unpacking how they view the world and how they view themselves

LimL as a season did a lot to defang the games, for lack of a better term. The deaths were very much gamified, they weren’t nearly as serious as they previously were. Pearl and BigB used this environment to reflect on themselves. The world was chaotic, yes, but it wasn’t as cruel as they thought it was. THEY aren’t as cruel as they thought they were

Pearl makes the decision to be his protector, treating this as a test to show she doesn’t destroy everything she touches. Except, she hasn’t unpacked how she sees herself as cruel, only points that “cruelty” away from those she cares about, and that’s why acting as Protector comes so naturally to her

This is reinforced over the course of the season, but it’s only ever confronted towards the end after Grian’s plan resulted in the three of them being shot. BigB was left with under a minute left, causing Pearl to panic. Pearl immediately insisted he kill her for more time, with BigB panicking in turn because he “didn’t know how.” He was scared of breaking the bond they’d developed over the season and Pearl cut through that fear without hesitation

And here’s where her role as protector is solidified. The world is cruel and unjust, and everyone deserves to have someone to rely on. Pearl would be the foundation for others since nobody else was going to be.

Pearl had already made a promise to herself and to BigB to get him to the end. He would win that season if she had anything to say about it. Except Pearl isn’t able to keep her promise to BigB. He dies just out of eyeshot, and she is helpless to save him

Pearl doesn’t give up on being a protector, this decision influencing a lot of her actions in SL. She wants to be a solid foundation for the Mounders because she knows the importance of having that foundation- she knows the pain a lack of foundation can cause.

Also, the Mounders being a larger group acts as proof that she’s able to trust others again, even if that doesn’t register to her. Remember, LL created the precedent that larger groups are more dangerous, with smaller alliances being much safer. Pearl being able to function comfortably in a group of 4 just goes to show how much she’s grown as a character

SL goes on to challenge her new worldview in several ways. First it was Mumbo turning Red, him becoming excessively violent like he’d been in LL. This actually acts as a mirror to Pearl’s former self, since Mumbo’s pulling from the same logic she was pulling from in DL. Remember, Mumbo hasn’t been in other seasons, his only experience with the games was the confusion and paranoia of LL (I think the lighthearted confusion of the tasks actually triggered his and Lizzie’s paranoia, but that’s another essay). He hasn’t had a chance to unpack that like Pearl has, and she sees this as a failure on her part, doubling down on her Protector role for Joel and Bdubs

Second, Joel and Bdubs, losing their lives. Pearl was forced to reckon with the fact that she cannot keep them safe in the same way she couldn’t keep BigB safe last season. It brings back her fears of destroying everything she touches, even though she worked so hard to unpack that last season. She sees them dying as her failing to be their protector, and her clinging to Scar is a response to that. Pearl needed to prove to herself that she can save Someone, that she doesn’t destroy everything she’s a part of.

Pearl also sees Scar as an echo of who she was in DL, same as Mumbo. She refuses to let him spiral in his isolation. Except, circumstances make it clear to her that she cannot save him by being his protector, she cannot save him at all.

And so she attempts to sacrifice herself for him, just like Scott had done for her. Pearl thinks she will ultimately cause his demise and the only thing she can do is give her life for him

But Scar immediately shoots that idea down.

This is because Scar was unpacking the exact same idea- the idea that he is inherently cruel and destroys everything he touches. Scar recognized that Pearl was self destructing and Did Not Let Her. Pearl wasn’t allowed to be his protector, she’s allowed to be his ally, his equal

Pearl in turn is allowed to see herself not as a force to be controlled, but a person. I don’t think she even realized how she’d been dehumanizing herself until this moment

And I think she has conflicting feelings on Scar’s victory. On the one hand, she achieved her goal in having an ally make it to the end. On the other, Scar’s victory challenged what it even meant to win the games. Pearl doesn’t know if the victory was worth the path it took to get there, and she’s left in that headspace until the next season

#trafficblr #pearlescentmoon #c!pearl #rotating her in my brain #she fits that one mitski song with the “I am cruel I am gentle I can make you laugh #also I hope it comes across that her Protector role was equally as dehumanizing as her Scarlet Pearl role #except the first is reinforced as being good and the second is more obvious damaging #long post #also I haven’t watched her DL perspective in so long so sorry the details are off

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a-local-idiots-shitpost · 1 year

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Mc burns down the House of Lamentation

Lucifer:

he knew it, he fucking knew it!

leaving you without magic was already bad enough, but a feral gremlin that doesn´t fear anything? and they have the capability to use fire magic? this was a recipe for disaster from the beginning

hanging for eternity for you if your lucky

and if not… well either way you better hope he won´t catch you because this would probably be the worst punishment he ever dealt

I actually would recommend running before anyone get´s home and just run as far as possible

never stop and never look back because Lucifer will be hunting you for the rest of your life

Mammon:

his thoughts exactly was “oh fuck oh shit oh fuck!”

yeah there is no way Lucifer won´t kill you for this

“good luck to ya Mc! it was nice knowing ya!”

yeah he won´t help you, best he could offer you is to plan your escape route

and maybe stall Lucifer for a little bit… for the right price of course (he´ll just run with the money, he already knows Lucifer will finish everything that´s in his way)

he will happily relay your last words towards his brothers

he will miss you and good luck with your remaining life

Leviathan:

“lol good luck”

yeah he won´t help you actually your even lucky he talked with you and didn´t ignore you so Lucifer doesn´t know he talked with you

he just told you to never come back and hide somewhere Lucifer won´t ever suspect you to be

is it helpful? maybe, but there is no way Lucifer won´t track you down

Lucifer has like a sixth sense to find trouble makers

but he also had the guts to ask you to bring him any merch you find while your on the run

he got hit for this

Satan:

pray nothing happened to his things

if nothing happened he might be willing to hide you in his room

because it will piss Lucifer of and he knows no one would be able to survive without you

and he can spend time with you without anyone barging in

and it´s actually very easy to hide in his room considering it´s you know entirely covered in books

he will also smuggle you out of the house from time to time because he knows how boring it can get

Asmodeus:

pray nothing happened to his things part 2

actually scratch that just for worrying him that his room might have gotten destroyed makes him want to kill you

he will definitely tell Lucifer where you are hiding

his skin got irritatet from his worrying, which means you have to pay

you should hope when you get punished that you won´t get left alone

who knows what Asmo is planning

he does not play around when it concerns his appearance

actually wonder who would be worse?

Beelzebub:

he was probably the most worried about you and he would even be willing to save you from Lucifer

I mean he won´t hurt Lucifer because he is his brother and everything

but he will take part of the blame

biggest sweetheart right there

he will get so many cuddles if you survive this

and snacks

but that still entails the big fat if you survive

if not it was nice knowing everyone

and you will hunt Lucifer for the rest of his existence

Belphegor:

is he in the burning house? no?

than he doesn´t care what happens

he won´t even help you

if you´re to loud he will even tell Lucifer where you are

no remorse for what fate Lucifer has in store for you and what horrors will await you

he will betray you for 10 more minutes of sleep

and will sleep like he didn´t just indirectly killed you

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tarotwithavi · 1 year

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How would a writer describe your character in a book?

Piles : 1-2

3-4

Masterlist

Paid services

How to choose a pile?

Take a deep breath and close your eyes, politely ask your spirit guides and angels to show the right pile for you. Open your eyes and the first picture that attracts you is the right pile for you. You may choose two or more piles.

I'll be writing all the piles in first person POV so you can read it as if it's your inner thoughts.

.・。.・゜✭・.・。.・゜✭・.・。.・゜✭・

Pile 1

As a kid I was always curious of people and how they act but no matter how much I tried I could never understand emotions. One time they'll die for someone and the other minute you mean nothing to them. I felt as if people are hypocrites. They'll be nice and respectful to your face but say the nastiest things at your back.

As I grew up, my curiosity to understand people flew away and have never seen it since then. I want to isolate myself from society but I think I will not survive alone. I could never understand humans and understanding a community is way worse. At first they'll make you become addicted to company and when you'll want to live alone, the side effects of this addiction will cause you to k*ll yourself. What a great scam is that.

An author would describe your character as a person who can't / isn't able to understand humans and always feels like an outcast. They try to find meaning in meaningless things and is sort of gloomy. Who hopes to find someone or something to live by. But gets depressed in the way, in the end the only hope they have left is themselves.

Masterlist

Pile 2

I want to explore this world, explore the highest mountains to the deepest caves, from the blue oceans to the evergreen forests. This world makes me excited. This world is magical. People who don't believe in magic are missing out on great excitements. Like we are literally living on a magical rock that is floating around in a pit of mysteries and mysterious things.

I have some abilities , magical abilities so to precise and with those abilities comes a lot of responsibilities. I am not saying I don't like that but I want sometime for myself. All day long just looking after people and fighting off evil is tiring. People say I'm special but what about me? Do I not have the right to enjoy my life? I absolutely love helping people and love being victorious. But sometimes I just want to run away alone. Away from all these responsibilities , just me alone.

An author would describe your character as an extremely passionate person who is an explorer. You will definitely be in a fantasy novel being the main character, your character will have a lot of responsibilities considering you'll have magical abilities. You'll solve mysterious , help people and fight off evil. Your character would be described as a happy and joyous person who is tried of responsibilities.

Masterlist

Pile 3

My parents always told me that being a royal meant not having loyal and real friends . I didn't believe them because I had real friend or so I thought. Point to be noted HAD. The people who I thought were my friends come out to be the most poisonous snakes. I'm wondering how the fuck did I survive all that. I believed everything they said, entrusted my secrets to them and even gave them a luxurious life.

Guess they took me for granted. Growing up I hated the word "revenge". Just hearing it gave me chills because I didn't understand why would people want bad for the people they once cared for. But I guess life had different plans for me. Hah! Never knew the word I hated so much growing would become the main motive of my life. Now all I can think about is the word I hated so much. It's true when they say you became what you despise. So kids never hate something, who knows you might become it in future.

You would be described as a character who is of royal background and and had suffered a lot of betrayal in their life. After going thought all these Betrayals and heart breaks you character would have no choice but to want revenge. Funny how I'm not seeing any romantic interests here because you novel would have a revenge plot.

Masterlist

Pile 4

People always told me how lucky I was to be born in the imperial family. They always told how I was their future and forced their customs on me from a very young age. The dance lessons, the history classes and the courtesy lessons meant nothing to me. I never wanted to become the Emperor/Empress. I never asked for all that.

Maybe if I was born in a normal family I would have enjoyed what a family environment is? Only then I would have known what love is. Maybe I should just run away? Maybe I should fake my death? But doing this will take a lot of courage I don't have. I never stood up for myself. I don't know what being real is anymore. I wish to find myself, I wish to find the child who lost his/her childhood. Who never got to enjoy life. Will I find what people call love if I run away? A few friends I guess? Who knows maybe I would die like this? Maybe.....

Another oyal character but in your story, your character would be forced to act a certain way, you know to satisfy the society on how a royals should be, how they are forced to act in front of people. Your story would be about your character finding their true self that they thought they would never find. Letting go of customs of society and being their true self.

Masterlist

I'm not a writer but I tried to explain haha pardon me if you find typos up there.

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badaziraphaletakes · 1 month

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Hello! This isn't exactly Good Omens related, but I've seen this blog talk about "perfect trauma victims" vs actual trauma victims, so i figured one of the lovely mods might know!

One of my WIPs right now is an essay on the harmful effects of "perfect trauma victims" on actual trauma survivors. I know that Harry Potter is a good example of the "perfect trauma victim" stereotype, but was wondering if you could think of any others? (I was thinking Cinderella, but I'm not sure). As for good portrayls of trauma survivors, I am planning on citing Aziraphale, but would Angel Dust from Hazbin Hotel be valid, and are there any others?

Also, as another source: how would you define a perfect trauma victim versus a trauma survivor?

Thank you! Y'all are seriously doing Gods' work with this blog.

Cinderella is an interesting one because it's such an old story and has been retold in so many different ways that there's probably a version of Cinderella to fit any occasion. If we're talking about the Disney movie, then yes I would definitely cite her as a perfect trauma victim stereotype.

(I haven't watched Hazbin Hotel yet, so I can't speak on that. I'm starting to feel like this is a fail on my part.)

Another good portrayal of a trauma survivor might be Sarah Connor in Terminator 2: Judgment Day. In the first movie she was a pretty, helpless waitress who got yanked out of her comfortable existence and forced to endure horrifying things. In the second movie, she's hardened and unsympathetic. Her son tries to hug her, and she ignores his affection in favor of patting him all over, looking for injuries. Her character arc culminates in an attempt to k*ll an innocent researcher in front of his family in an attempt to change the future. The overall theme of the movie is that humanity will save humanity, and recognizing the value of human life is the ultimate goal for a happy future.

(I did not notice the Good Omens parallels until I typed that out just now. Neat.)

A perfect trauma victim is a societal myth that hurts real trauma survivors. It's a stereotype portrayed as a person that reduces survivors to a one-dimensional trope. It implies that if a trauma survivor is unlikable or makes bad choices, then somehow they deserve what happened to them or somehow brought it on themselves. Or that they're not a "real" victim; they must be lying or faking it if they don't act just right. In criminal trials, juries are tempted to find for the defense when the accuser turns out to have committed unrelated crimes or had a nontraditional sex life.

A trauma survivor is more difficult to write because they're more complex. They behave as real people would and are a complex blend of internal and external influences. They make choices that fans might not understand or approve of, but in terms of their own survival it makes sense. Like going along with a powerful, dangerous superior instead of telling him where to stick it, so that one and one's companion can live to fight another day. You know, hypothetically. :)

Hope this helps! <3

#badaziraphaletakes #cw: victim blaming #terminator 2 judgment day

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noxer · 1 month

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"Getaway - from hero to zero"

DISCLAIMER: Everything expressed is a subjective opinion that does not claim to be true or significant, I am not justifying anyone, and all this is necessary to simply examine one character under a magnifying glass.

I really love Getaway as a character because you can endlessly interpret him and his actions, even though he only appears in MTMTE and LL, which I remember were written by the same writing team. Getaway is interesting as an antagonist, especially since at first he is presented as a rather likeable character, and at the time of the events of MTMTE his motivation is still quite understandable. And the fact that it's getting such a negative reaction shows how well it's written (or how much people like Cygate). And he’s so pathetic that I want to tenderly bite his head off. So I want to put together what we have on this special agent and see what he’s like. After all, despite the fact that he is revealed to us in comics, we can only guess about many details, since the writers could not show everything as it is, so as not to disrupt the intrigue.

First steps

The only thing we know about Getaway's past is his telling Tailgate about his first battle, from which the newly activated Getaway escaped. I don’t want to analyze specifically the act itself, because it is quite difficult to judge whether this escape was justified or not (pro - what else did the Autobots expect from a newborn?; con - the other MTO, it seems, remained to fight). I want to talk more about the impact of this act on Getaway's personality. Because Getaway is definitely ashamed of what happened, since it doesn’t fit into the image he wants to create. The only reason he shares this story with Tailgate is to a) make Tailgate feel sorry for him; b) instill in Tailgate an even greater sense of hostility towards Decepticons; c) a kind of therapy - he needs to share this with someone, and he doesn’t feel an emotional attachment to Tailgate, that is, he doesn’t care what he thinks about him, plus, Tailgate still has to die according to the plan, which means he’s already won't tell anyone anything.

Shame in most cases leads to anger, either at oneself or at others. Getaway chooses the second, and begins to slowly accumulate resentment and anger towards both the Autobots and the Decepticons, that is, towards those who started this war and thus forced him to be born as a soldier. In addition, the feeling that he is now forever branded a coward lays the first bricks of Getaway's exorbitant ambitions, as a way to make amends for his initial transgression. Let's add to this the very status of Getaway as literally a consumable item - the fact that he could die in the first minutes of his life was quite expected. Then attempts to become something big become a matter not only of ambition, but also of banal survival, because a specialist is less likely to be sent directly under fire than an ordinary soldier.

Diplomatic corps

We know almost nothing about Getaway’s work in the special unit. What I want to highlight here is Getaway's attitude towards Prowl. He clearly has a certain respect for him, and we have no reason to believe that this respect is feigned, if only because Getaway's behavior is in many ways a copy of Prowl's, only a little more inept. Getaway tries to manipulate like Prowl, tries to scheme like Prowl, but since he has less experience being the one who plans the operations rather than the one who executes them, things do not go entirely smoothly. Honestly, I can't get out of my head the image of Prowl berating Getaway not for attempted mutiny, but for how clumsy it was.

I mean, his entire plan rested on one Tailgate, and if something happened (and it did), all, literally all the threads would lead to Getaway. Getaway tries to be smart and accurate, but in the end his actions still amount to brutal blows to the head (sometimes literally), simply because that's how Getaway is used to acting. He is an operative, not a tactician or strategist. He acts here and now, with small goals like “kill X”, “successfully escape”, “survive”, and when fate confronts him with the need for long-term planning, Getaway simply cannot cope. No matter how manipulative the scriptwriters make him out to be, for the most part Getaway behaves almost instinctively. I highlight this this way because a similar pattern of “a small person (bot) trying to seem like something big” is clearly visible in Getaway’s behavior almost always. He tries to be an Autobot, but escapes from his first battle. He tries to be an "evil genius", but in the end, all his plans fail and he gets through only through luck and evil chaotic throwing, in the hope that something will work. He wants to become Prime, but does everything to ensure that his name is associated with this title as little as possible. Getaway may be a villain, but he's primarily a failed villain, not a villain with a plan.

"Primus apotheosis" - or similar symptoms?

I'm actually very wary of the whole "primus apotheosis" situation, because it was only added in LL, and therefore there are some doubts and inconsistencies with MTMTE, but more on that a little later. What do we know at all: there are certain signs that distinguish Prime from among ordinary bots, and Getaway, having discovered them in himself, becomes fixated on this. Why is that? Back to the “I’m-more-than-I-seem” pattern. For Getaway, it is important to be more significant than he is, so much so that he is ready to cling to semi-mythical descriptions just to feel better. In fact, these signs are no better than some “aryan standards” - they are just an easy way to gain superiority over others. For Getaway, “primus apotheosis” is only a consequence of his ambitions and inferiority complex, which took this form due to the war surrounding him and a certain “cult of Prime” that reigned among the Autobots. Since 1) i am a doctor not in the field of psychology, 2) we have no information about the Cybertronian psyche, 3) Freud’s diagnoses is not the most reliable, in principle, it is difficult to say whether Getaway actually has such a disorder, but if yes, it fits perfectly into his image.

Also, the “primus apotheosis” fits into another aspect of Getaway’s personality – his rather contradictory relationship with their god. The Autobots, unlike the Decepticons, in some places still retain a somewhat functional attitude, as well as faith in Primus. From this point of view, Getaway is in a rather unenviable position - he is a MTO who ran away from his battle, that is, in some sense, did not fulfill his function, he is constructed cold, that have long been considered second-class, he is a murderer, no matter what he said. And Getaway simultaneously hates Primus for who he created him, who he forced him to be, and longs for recognition and forgiveness from him. Becoming a Prime was about affirming that he was worthy, that he was forgiven, that everything he had done was right. Because if sinners like Optimus and Rodimus could become Primes, then so could Getaway.

Mutiny

We already know that Getaway hates his origins, and this anger is constantly projected onto others, but especially Megatron. The logical chain is as follows: “if you had not started the war, I would not have been created as MTO, I would not have had to become what I became, I would not have had to prove my right to life, I could have been like others.” For Getaway, Megatron is another obstacle to being as valuable as the others. He dared to start this war, and made Getaway's life like this. I also wonder if Getaway might see killing Megatron as some kind of “redemption”? "I killed the greatest monster in our history, something previous Primes couldn't do, I'm not that hopeless, right?" However, even if you remove the specific reasons, Getaway will still have the motivation to get rid of Megatron, because of whom many, many cybertronians died. Removing the one who started and supported the most destructive war of your species away sounds like a good reason. And Getaway does everything for this purpose, at least until the ill-fated events of LL.

Crucial moment

The difference between Getaway MTMTE and Getaway LL is quite noticeable. In MTMTE, Getaway is motivated precisely by his hatred of Megatron as a military leader; his “primus apotheosis” was only added into LL. In MTMTE, Getaway really was a mini-Prowl - he had a completely understandable and even justified motivation - to get rid of an objectively dangerous crew member - which he solves in a not the most humane way, using Tailgate. Getaway in MTMTE has a lot of likeable traits until we are gradually introduced to his slightly less pleasant sides, making it difficult for us to know how to feel about him. Yes, he put one of the beloved characters in danger, but he did it for a reason we can understand. We get asked a pretty tough question, which is great, right?

Now forget all this. Because in LL, Getaway does terrible things for terrible reasons, and his “primus apotheosis” is revealed, and it just becomes difficult for us to respect him at least as a villain.

But why is this even the case?

Doylist explanation

It was vital to the writers that the core cast was Always Right™. In MTMTE, it was quite easy to sympathize with Getaway (unless you are a fierce fan of Tailgate and Cygate). And since the main goal was the redemption of Megatron, Getaway had to be removed. Because Getaway's character asked this question: "Maybe Megatron can redeem himself. Maybe he deserves it. But what if we, who suffered from his decisions, are physically unable to forgive him after all? Don't we deserve our good ending?" And the writers didn't have an answer to that question (because there's no right answer). And they had to make Getaway much worse so that readers would not have the slightest desire to understand and and accept his ideas.

Watsonian explanation

Getaway has really, truly gone crazy. He has currently spent some time in a cell, unable to move or speak, having previously been held captive by Tyrest for an undetermined amount of time. Yes, Getaway is an operative, his psyche must be prepared, but everyone has their own limit of strength. Getaway later leaves the team at the mercy of DJD because they were the ones who threw him into the cell, even though he was doing them a favor by getting rid of Megatron. Thus, he allows his partner and friend to die, which is also unlikely to contribute to mental health. And as time goes on, Getaway's actions become increasingly desperate and insane in an attempt to survive and reach Cyberutopia, where he hopes he can find forgiveness for all the terrible things he has done. In the end, his last actions are, in order, 1) an attempt to blow up the ship along with himself; 2) unsuccessful suicide attempt; 3) an absolutely senseless attack on Cyclonus, either out of desperation or in the hope that he would kill him; 4) he lost his sense of reality so much that he believed the illusion created by the scraplet colony. By the end of LL, Getaway is more of a hunted animal than the calculating saboteur he was in MTMTE.

Bottom line

So what do we get in the bottom line? Getaway was destined from birth to become a bargaining chip in a conflict to which he had nothing to do. His unsuccessful "debut" began his quest to become something significant, in the hopes that others would forget who he was. Prowl gives him this opportunity, which is why Getaway begins to see him as a role model, adopting his worldview, ways of acting and attitude towards others. At the same time, Getaway “grows up” in an environment where some stereotypes and prejudices, including religious ones, still persist, and there is also an idealized figure of Prime. Since his promotion to special agent has hardly changed anything for Getaway about himself, he becomes fixated on the supposed signs (perhaps with the occasional intervention from Skids), although most of the time he "keeps it under control" until something serious happens. Getaway has loyalties and principles, he can have feelings towards others, and I don't believe his attempts to kill Megatron were always purely selfish. But Getaway puts these feelings aside in favor of “more important things,” because the fear of being a nobody again, of being just MTO running away from battle, is stronger than all his attachments. Getaway is a terrible (and rather unhappy) bot, not because he has always been like this, as they tried to present it in LL, but because between real significance - being important to someone - he chooses false significance - being important to everyone, which the same as being important to no one. It is still easier for Getaway to run away, chasing something illusory, than to fight for something important. And no one is to blame for this but him.

#transformers #maccadam #transformers idw #transformers mtmte #transformers lost light #transformers getaway #getaway #noxer speak #this is what I do instead of really important things #oh golly

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travlersjoy444 · 1 year

Text

On the Road to Nowhere

2012 Raph x Reader

Mutant Apocalypse timeline

Summary: After the mutagen bomb goes off, you manage to save Raph and Donnie. Sort of. Dealing with new bodies, memory loss, missing brothers and friends...was maybe not how any of you wanted your adult lives to go, but the world has changed beyond repair.

So with a heavy heart, you and your battered dream team set off onto the road to nowhere.

In other words, the early days of the Mutant Apocalypse.

Warnings: Angst, sadness, the characters cry a lot, bittersweet ending, really hefty word count, implied capriltello but it's in the background, Raphael is trans in this because it's my fic and my rules

Word count: 13.6k

***

Day 0.

Donnie was hooked up to some machine of theirs, trying as hard as he could to save his brain as their body was mangled beyond repair, Casey was texting you nonstop, Mikey and Leo were MIA, Raph was curled up on the couch, and you were sitting on the floor trying to process everything.

CaseyjONES:

R you guys okay??? No ones responding. Me and april are at my house

CaseyjONES:

(Y/N) seriously what’s going on? I know you can see this i see your read symbol

CaseyjONES:

Where are you guys???

Oh yeah. Now that you were done attaching Donnie to his one shot at survival, you could stop ignoring Casey’s texts. Nice.

You:

Sorry Case’ I was kinda preoccupied for a bit there

You:

Leo n Mikey are missing. Donnie and I retreated back into the lair. Raph is freaking out, I think he hit his head. Would ask Dee, but Dee is compromised.

CaseyjONES:

Compromised???

You:

They fell off a building and got impaled. Is currently uploading his consciousness into an old Metalhead prototype. Very horrifying to witness. Status update, I feel like throwing up.

CaseyjONES:

…

CaseyjONES:

Shit

You:

Shit indeed

You:

Anyways, I’m mostly uninjured. Arm mighta gotten mildly sprained but y’know what i’ll worry bout that later. Lair is a mess, only thing really salvageable was the lab. Probably gonna leave as soon as dee is stable. How are you guys?

CaseyjONES:

My sister got mutated. Last thing she touched was our cat so now she’s got claws. Shes freakin out and aprils trying to calm her down with empath powers or whatever. My dad is MIA but good riddance if ya ask me. Broke mty arm so im typing this with 1 hand, and april sprained her ankel. The cat has miraculously survived + is sittig w/ me on the couch wich is pretty cool ngl

You:

So youre all stable???

CaseyjONES:

Yea

You:

Oh thank god

You:

Cas my phones about to die. Dee n i will contact ya soon as theyre stable. Love ya. Stay safe or i’ll kill u

CaseyjONES:

Cool cool. Love you too. keep everyone+urself safe. Hopefully we;ll see yo soon.

You sighed as your phone clicked off, definitively cutting off your final connection to your friends.

Raph whimpered behind you in one of the most un-Raph like ways you’d ever heard, and you turned around.

“Raph? You okay?” You rasped.

He was curled around himself tightly, rocking back and forth.

“Who the fuck are you?” He whispered, tears in his eyes.

You winced. You were guessing he had some form of amnesia, or some kind of damage to the hippocampus.

“I’m (Y/N). (Y/N) (L/N). You’re my best friend, but I think you hit your head in all the chaos.” You said slowly, feeling your heart sink even further.

He gave a strangled sob and shoved his face into his knee pads. “I hate this. Who the fuck am I?”

“You’re Raphael Hamato. You’re the son of Splinter or Hamato Yoshi. You’re the brother of Donatello, Leonardo, and Michelangelo, and the father of Chompy Picasso. You’re the best friend ever to me. You hit your head when Leo saved us from the mutagen bomb. I’m pretty sure it is currently the end of the known world.” You answered slowly, robotically. You were half-aware of how you were saying it for your own sanity as much as you were for Raph’s.

“Where are we?” Raph said, voice trembling in a way that seemed so out of character.

“Your home. Well. Sorta. It kinda got partially destroyed, there were a lotta cave ins.” You said numbly, standing up. “D’ya wanna tour? See if it…I’unno, sparks a few memories?”

He pressed his shell to the back of the couch, scooting away from you. “D’you think that’ll help? …How do I know I can trust you?”

“...C’mere.” You said, waving towards Donnie’s bulletin board in the back of the lab. Hesitantly, Raph followed after you, though not without a groan of pain.

“That’s you.” You murmured, unpinning a photo of a smiling Raph and Casey as they posed in front of a wall you’d all spray painted. “I took this photo when we were fifteen, about three years ago. That human is Casey Jones, our close friend.”

Raph took the photo, squeezing it lightly in his shaky hands. “Show me another.” He demanded.

“Here’s you and I at the farmhouse.” You smiled fondly at the memory. “I was bored and convinced you to let me give you eyeliner.” Photo-Raph was scowling at the camera, with his arms crossed and pointy winged liner around his eyes. Photo-you was grinning proudly, holding the eyeliner pen with one hand and giving photo-Raph a side-hug with the other.

Real-Raph accepted the photo. “That’s me, then?”

“Yeah.”

“Why don’t I look like you and this guy?”

“We’re humans. You’re a mutant.” You said simply. “A turtle/human hybrid, like your siblings.”

You pointed to a group shot. “The one with the blue mask is Leonardo, orange is Mikey, and purple is…uhm. Well, purple was Donnie...” You said, trying to choke back tears as you stared at the photo. “I-is any of this…y’know, ringing any bells?” You managed to mumble out through your tears.

Raph shook his head. “No.”

“Oh.” You said, feeling a fresh new wave of dread wash over you. You took a deep breath. “Well. That’s not ideal.”

“Where are the other…turtles?” Asked Raph, clearly hesitant to call these supposed strangers his siblings, which nearly broke you even further.

“Mikey and Leo are missing, and Donnie…” You sighed. “Well, I’d probably better just show you.”

You lead him over to the table where Donnies mutilated body sat underneath a sheet. Wires ran from underneath it and connected to a tiny Metalhead robot.

“What’s…wrong with him?” Raph said softly, reaching for the sheet.

“Don’t.” You breathed, brushing his hand away. “You don’t wanna see it, trust me. They fell off a building and got impaled by shrapnel and debris. Their body isn’t exactly pretty or…y’know. Recognizable as Donatello.”

“They’re dead?” Raph asked, and the tinge of discomfort in his voice wasn’t nearly enough for the situation- the Raph you knew would be yelling and crying and screaming, not…not being mildly uncomfortable in the way that one is when a stranger dies.

“Yes and no. He’s uploading his brain into that robot. There’s only about an hour left before it loads. After that, we’re outta here for good. The scavengers’ll be coming soon, so we havta get a move on sooner than later.” You said, an empty hollow feeling in your chest as you said the words ‘for good’.

It just felt so real.

“C’mon. Let’s see if your room has anything salvageable.” You grunted, leaving Donnie’s body behind.

Raph’s room had partially caved in, but the front of it still looked okay. His drum set sat undamaged in the corner, though you doubted there was room for it in the Shellraiser, so it was a moot point.

Raph stared vacantly at the place that had once mattered so much to him, without a single hint that he recognized any of it in his empty features. You wanted to hug him so bad. Maybe more for your own comfort than for his.

But then again, you needed the familiar hug of your best friend…not this vacant eyed empty shell of a turtle who didn’t recognize you.

“Oh hey look. That box says ‘photos’ on it.” Raph said lightly, pointing at a dusty shoebox that sat under the bed and breaking you out of your spiralling thoughts.

“It also says ‘do not touch’.” You pointed out.

“Yeah well, I think I’d want me to know what’s in my own ‘do not touch’ box.” Raph grunted, sounding like his old sarcastic self again for just a moment.

You held your hands up and stepped aside, and Raph scooped up the box.

He took off the lid, and picked up one of the photos. “...Who’s Venus?” He said, holding up a photo of a little turtle in a red bow with the label ‘Venus De Milo’.

You frowned, staring at the photo in confusion. Judging by the line drawn over the word ‘Venus’, Raph clearly had not wanted you to know about it, but the name didn’t ring any bells. “Actually, I don’t know. I’ve never met a Venus. Maybe you guys had some long lost sister that no one told me about?”

“Seriously? What kinda soap opera bullshit would that be?” Raph snorted.

“I mean. It wouldn’t be the first time.” You shrugged.

“...Wait, really?”

“S’okay, we’ll ask Donnie.” You said. “Now…I’m pretty sure you’d want me to save your sketchbook and paints. Your canvases too, but we don’t have room for that.”

He swallowed, flipping through the sketchbook you’d handed him, tracing over the doodles on the cover. “Fuck. I…I don’t remember any of these.” He murmured, not even bothering to wipe the tears from under his mask.

“And I…I can’t find Chompy.” You whispered, rifling around his room a final time. “Shit. Shit shit shit. M-maybe he ran away…” You trailed off, wiping your face with your torn-up shirtsleeve.

“Chompy?”

You looked away from him. “Chompy Picasso. Alien turtle. Your son, basically...and I-I can’t fucking find him anywhere. Hopefully he got out before we came here, otherwise…” You swallowed a sob.

Raph stared at you, looking sick. “I had a son? But aren’t we…teenagers?” He said, his voice devoid of the raging grief he would have felt before, and replaced with a look of discomfort and horror at being a stranger to his own life.

“An adoptive son, practically, yeah. And you…you loved him so, so much…He was so fucking cute…” You cried, your voice cracking. “Shit, Raph. You don’t remember Chompy…”

“Shit.” He agreed, staring at the ground.

***

Donnie was stable now, opening and closing his new metal hands.

“How’s Raph?” They said. Their voice had taken on a metallic ring, though it still sounded like Donnie at its core.

“Brain damage. He’s got brain damage.” You answered, glancing over to the far side of the lab where Raph sat, flipping through his box of photos.

“What?!”

“He doesn’t remember anything. That’s why he's keeping his distance. Said it feels weird.”

“Memory loss.” Donnie said, and the creaking breathy sounds that followed could only be described as crying although his new metal face remained neutral.

You held out your arms and Donnie fell into them, shaking and sobbing but not really. They were so small now, which felt wrong, because Donnie had always been close to your height if not taller.

Well, it didn’t matter. This was Donnie now, and that stranger in the corner staring at the photos was Raph, and that haggard looking human in the mirror was you.

Day 0 of the apocalypse and you were already all falling apart at the seams.

Nice.

***

Day 1.

Raph forgot his own name for a few hours, and Donnie panicked. He’d say to you later that it was nice to know his circuitry was still capable of having a panic attack, but his voice would be hollow. Well, more so than it was already with that robotic tremor to his voice.

But at the moment, you were sitting with your arms around a trembling Metalhead who was actually Donatello, and making uncomfortable eye contact with Raph who sat across from you on the floor of the Shellraiser.

His bright green eyes were narrowed in frustration, and his plastron rose and fell quicker than usual. He was probably hyperventilating.

You kept your distance. When you’d tried to comfort him earlier, he’d tried to shank you with a piece of glass he’d found on the ground. You didn’t hold it against him, really- he’d yelled “Who the hell are you?! Stay back!” first, so you at least knew it wasn’t out of malice.

And it also meant that he was more damaged than you and Donnie had originally thought.

Probably permanently, Donnie had said through gasping breaths before he realized he didn’t actually need air anymore.

Fuck.

“I’m sorry, Raph.” You found yourself saying, because you were. It may have stung having him try to hurt you, but what stung more was the look of pure fear and confusion in his face.

He broke eye contact with you and dropped his face onto his knee pads again, slumping over in shame and sorrow.

“I’m sorry (Y/N), Donatello.” He replied, voice slightly muffled by his legs, which were pulled to his chest.

“Don’t be.” You muttered. “It’s not your fault. You didn’t mean to.”

Donnie nodded. “It’s not your fault. It’s mine. I should’ve treated you sooner, then you might’ve stood a chance-”

“Shut up Donatello. If you had done that then you woulda bled out and died and you are not allowed to fucking die on me, we clear?” You hissed, squeezing his metal shoulders.

“I did die, (Y/N).” Donnie said flatly, pointing at the bag that held their body.

“Shit.” You said, letting your gaze follow his finger as you let it finally sink in that yeah you were talking to Donnie, but also that was his fucking corpse in the back of the Shellraiser. “Shit shit shit. You’re still with us, but like…man this is fucked up, huh? You’re not dead, Don, you’re still you, but…”

“What if I’m not?! I’m a robot! Maybe the real Donatello is dead! What if I’m just a really good simulation?! What if I just think I’m panicking because it’s what Donatello would do?” He exclaimed, tugging on Metalhead’s antennae when he would usually tug on his mask tails.

“Well if it makes you feel any better, I’m pretty sure human emotions are a physical chemical reaction too. So one could argue that I’m just freaking out because the chemicals in my brain are reacting rather than me actually feeling things, right?” You offered.

“...I guess…Look I think I'm gonna go into sleep mode now, okay? It’s been a long day.” They sighed.

“Yeah, okay. See ya tomorrow, Don. Love you.” You said, patting his shoulder.

“Ditto.” They said, and then the lights went out in their eyes.

Raph sighed, staring at his sibling. “It feels weird being taller than them for some reason.” He grunted, breaking the silence.

“Oh, you remember that?” You said hopefully.

“Nah. I guess it just….feels weird. I dunno.”

“Well…Yeah it really does. Donnie always towered over you and Leo. Mikey hit a growth spurt like two years ago and wound up almost as tall, and you nearly cried at that...” You rambled, smiling.

“Oh. That explains it, I guess.” Raph snorted. “Was I…taller than Leo? Just out of curiosity, of course…” He added, looking hopeful.

“Nah. Leo’s 5’2ish. You are 5’1.”

“...Fuck.” Raph cursed. “That is unfair, y’know that?”

“You complained about it often.” You smiled. “It was kinda adorable.”

“Adorable?” Raph said, wrinkling his snout.

“Yeah. Ha. I uh….called you that a lot, guess it’s kinda a habit. Not because you’re short but because I thought you were cute. Uh…by which I mean good-looking, not cute like a kitten or something.” You said with a shrug. “Not that it really matters.”

“Oh. That’s cool then, I guess.” Raph said with a slight smile.

You smiled. “So I can keep callin’ you adorable?”

“Sure. Knock yourself out.”

You glanced out the window of the Shellraiser. It was still too bright out to travel safely to Casey’s apartment, with too many angry mindless mutants destroying everything in sight. You and Donnie had agreed to wait till the cover of night to head over there, in hopes that the new mutants would retain their usual sleep schedule.

“Damn. How long’ll this take?” You mumbled. It was six in the evening, but still bright as ever outside…

A pink thing slammed into the front camera, sending you falling back in shock.

Upon further inspection, it appeared to be a once-human that had been nearly swallowed by brainy, vein-covered tendrils. You choked back a gag.

Raph swallowed and clicked the camera off, looking greener than usual as the image faded.

“Ugh. Gross.” You whispered.

“So I’m assuming that things weren’t alway like this, right?” Raph said softly.

“Nope. You, my friend, would much prefer the Old World…” You paused, having a realization. “Shit. I bet that if this were a transcript, ‘Old World’ would be fucking capitalized.”

“So….there’s no way to undo whatever happened?”

“Nah. Dee’s run the numbers. The odds of the Earth bouncing back from this…are in the negatives.” You said, unable to summon anything other than an empty sigh.

“...What was your Earth like?” Raph asked, raising his brow ridge as he stared at you gently, as if you were some sorta fragile ceramic that could break at any minute.

Or as if you were a tearful human who’s world had just turned upside down.

You heaved a sigh, and sat down next to him on the floor.

“Well…there were trees yesterday. Green trees, not those crystal lookin’ things in Central Park that we saw this morning. And yesterday, this was New York, and it was full of people, not…those brain mutants and animal hybrids and…fuckin’ masses of organs suspended in jello. I dunno how far reaching the mutation bomb was, but Dee’s scanners have picked up on stuff as far as Florida to the south and Quebec to the north, and that’s not even counting the ones that went off on the West Coast and outside of America. Whatever it was that terraformed the Earth did a fucking good job.” You sighed, pulling your knees to your chest.

“So the old world really is the Old World.” Raph breathed.

“Yup. I…I don’t think we’ll ever get our homes back, Raphael.” You whispered.

Yesterday morning when you’d said something like that, Raph had pulled you into a wordless hug and you’d pressed your face into his chest and cried.

This evening as you sat on the floor crying, Raph stared at you sadly but kept his distance.

And you were reminded once again that you really were alone.

***

You: Casey we’re headed over

You: Read ya messages case

You: Dude seriously, are you guys okay?

Sent: 4hrs ago, unread

You: We’re here…

Sent: 1hr ago, unread

***

“Case’? Casey?” You yelled, wandering through his apartment. “April…”

“April! Casey!” Donnie yelled even louder than you. His face couldn’t emote, but his voice was high and desperate, and you were pretty sure they were twice as nervous as you were.

“He hasn’t replied to any messages since like three pm, and we’ve searched this dump for like an hour. I don’t think your friends are here, guys.” Raph sighed, crossing his arms.

“Shut up!” You and Donnie chorused, and Raph rolled his eyes.

“Fine, whatever! We’ll just stay here forever then I guess!” He snapped.

“Yeah well maybe we’re not being big babies, Raph! Don’t you care about finding Casey?!”

“I don’t know who the fuck Casey is!” Raph growled.

Donnie deflated. “...You’re right. I…I’m sorry, Raph. I forgot that you’re…y’know.”

“Brain damaged? Nice. Can’t fucking relate.” Raph grunted.

You exhaled through your nose. “Sorry Rafa. We’re just…we really wanted this lead…” Shit you were crying again.

“It’s just…I miss them so much. Casey and April mattered a lot to us, and to you, and we thought they’d….we thought they’d be here, but we’ve lost their signal and now I don’t fucking know what to do…” You whimpered, burying your face into your scarf.

Donnie tried to pat you on the shoulder but only succeeded in reaching to the small of your back.

“I miss them too. Well Raph…Casey and April…well, they mattered a ton to me and it just…is so scary to consider that they might…”

They didn’t finish the sentence, but you knew what they meant.

That they might be dead.

Raph stared at both of you with a grimace, seeming to pick up on the meaning too.

***

Day 15.

Raph stared at the photos a lot, not recognizing any of them.

Sometimes he woke up on the floor of the subway car that you, his supposed ‘best friend’, and Donnie, the robot who claimed to be his brother, had dubbed the ‘Shellraiser’. He’d sit there trying to remember where he was, only for him to slowly remember waking up in rubble to a wide pair of (E/C) eyes.

That was always what he remembered first.

Then he’d remember the smell of smoke and something he didn’t have a name for, and the feeling of someone hugging him close to their chest and whispering “It’s okay it’s okay-shit- Dee, he’s not waking up, he’s not- Oh my god Donnie, your- your plastron-”

He’d opened his eyes a crack to see humans mutating, screaming in horror, before someone shifted his head, and then all he could see was fabric.

Then he was on an unfamiliar couch with someone squeezing his hand. “Donnie…that’s a thing that’s possible?”

“No, but do I have any other option?!”

“...Shit Dee, you- you can’t die on me-”

“I won’t. I swear I won’t, (Y/N). If my theories are concrete, which they have an-” The voice paused to take a laboured breath. “-an 86.3% chance of being, then my consciousness will- shit that hurts- my consciousness will be uploaded into Metalhead…”

Raph didn’t remember how that conversation had ended, which he was very okay with.

Then after that the other things would begin to come back. Right. Right, he was Raphael, and these two people used to matter a lot to him in the Before Times, supposedly.

He didn't remember either of you, if he was honest. But if the notes on his Past Self’s photos were trustworthy, then you especially meant the world to him once.

He held up a photo of you in different, cleaner clothes. Your eyes were brighter, and you were grinning harder than you ever had now. The note on the back read ‘Reference photo 4 drawing (Y/N)’ in a messy script with a heart drawn next to it. Below it, in smudged print, it said ‘I feel creepy for staring at this for so long… Shit why did I write that down?’

He frowned and looked at another. This one was of a purple-ish pink turtle that gave the camera a wide smile, and the notation on the back said ‘Chompy I love you so fucking much but stop burning my paper please’

The next photo wasn’t a photo but a drawing. It was a rough sketch of a human hugging a baby turtle that was drawn in pink, with soft shading and a lot of smudges. The back of this one said ‘Shitty drawing of (Y/N) and Chompy. Felt bad throwing it away though for some reason, idk’

Raph wrinkled his snout. He disagreed with his Past Self, he thought the drawing looked kinda cute. Still, he’d respect Past Raph’s wishes and hide it away in the ‘Don’t Touch Box’.

He looked at the next picture. Venus again.

There were a lot of photos in the Don’t Touch Box of this ‘Venus De Milo’, and Raph hadn’t gotten any closer to an answer as to who she was. Heck, there were a few photos where she was completely crossed out with no further commentary. Not that it made much of a difference though, since the commentary that was there was ridiculously unhelpful. ‘Took another one of Sensei’s Venus photos. I wish he’d just let me burn all of them, but instead he just gave me this box and told me to hide them here instead of destroying all our childhood photos. Ugh. I hate them so much, obviously you know why, future me.’

No, I do not. Why are you so cryptic, Past Me?! Raph clicked in frustration, throwing the Venus photos back into the box.

“Lookin’ at Sensei’s old photos, Raph?” Said Donnie, making Raph jump back in surprise.

“Dammit, you’re awake?!”

“Yeah, just finished…charging.” Donnie sighed. “That still feels so weird to say.”

“Well, you’ve only been like this for…what, a week? Two?” Raph said dryly.

“...Yeah. I miss being…tall.” Donnie said softly. Raph got the vibe that they’d actually meant something else, but he didn’t feel like unpacking that right now.

“I miss you being tall.” Raph agreed. “Maybe that’s a good sign as far as memory stuff goes though.”

“...Hey, maybe it is, Raph! That’s actually really good!” Donnie said, their voice perking up while their face remained uncannily blank.

“...Cool.” Raph said. “...Hey, Donnie, who was Venus?”

Donnie jolted. “-Oh. Right. You found those pictures… I actually forgot about- well. Venus… You’re a transman, Raph, and Venus was your name back before you realized you were a boy.”

Raph frowned. “I’m a…what?”

“Well…when we were kids, Splinter named you Venus De Milo because you were physically a girl. Then when we were like thirteen or fourteen you told us that you actually were our brother, not our sister, so Sensei changed your name to Raphael.” Donnie said slowly.

Raph…did not like that information at all. “So…I’m not a boy?”

“No you are, it just took a bit of time for you to realize it.” Donnie shrugged.

“Good. I…do not like the name Venus.” Raph grunted.

“Yeah, when we were little you used to make us call you ‘Milo’ instead.” Donnie chuckled. “Splinter was so confused, but he just wanted you to be happy at the end of the day, really…”

Raph swallowed. “Uhh…Donatello, who’s…Splinter?”

Donnie’s neck sparked. “Right. Right right right…Raph, Splinter was our dad.”

“Oh.” He should know that. What kinda person didn’t even recognize their own father?!

Why couldn’t he remember the things that made Past Raph so happy?

Well he didn’t even remember that he was a fucking girl, so clearly he wasn’t the best judge-

“G’mornin’ guys” You yawned, leaning over the passenger’s seat where Raph had perched.

Raph shook his head clear and looked back at you. “Hi.”

“How’s the new body coming, Don?” You asked, stretching your arms.

“I’m almost done with the shell. I’ve made it segmented this time so that I can actually bend over, see?” They said, bending the large shell made of sewer plates.

“Oh. That’s really rad, Dee.” You said proudly.

“Yeah, I’m sick of being shorter than Raph.” He chuckled. “I can't wait to finish this model.”

“Wait, you’re making a new new body?” Raph frowned. “Did I know about that?”

“Yeah, I told you yesterday, you must have forgotten... S’okay though. Here’s the design, I made these blueprints months ago.”

“How come? What’s wrong with this robot?” Raph said, glancing over the taller, sleeker design sketch Donnie had handed him.

Donnie shrugged. “I guess…this is Metalhead’s body, not mine. And I want my body to feel like mine.” “Oh. Okay, fair enough I guess?” Raph shrugged, not sure how that made sense. Donnie was in the body, so that made it his right? Why’d they need a new one?

Whatever, Donnie could do what they wanted, he supposed.

“I think it looks great.” You smiled, though it didn’t reach your eyes the way it did in the Don’t Touch Box photos. “I love the purple LEDs.”

“Yeah, it looks nice.” Raph agreed. It really did; it was cleaner than Donnie’s current body, and seemingly more combat-effective if all the hidden blasters in the concept art were any clue. Plus it just looked cool as fuck.

“Thanks. It should be finished in a few weeks…in the meantime though, (Y/N), we should discuss plans.”

You nodded, following Donnie to the back of the Shellraiser.

“We should go on a supply run, we’re low on perishable food and water.” You said, writing ‘supply run’ on the whiteboard Donnie had set up in the back.

“Okay, noted. Do we have enough non-perishables?”

“Yeah. The drawers in the back are full of instant ramen and canned food.” You nodded.

“So just the usual things then…shelter. What’re we gonna do about shelter?”

“Yeah, I don’t really like it out here. Seems pretty sketchy.” Raph grunted, spinning around so that his plastron was pressed to the back of the chair and his head was rested on the top.

“I vote we go to the farmhouse. You’ve run your scans, and I think we just needa….you know, accept that everyone is…out of range of the scanners. We’re just sitting ducks in New York, Don.” You sighed.

Donnie clenched their fists. “I- I know, but like…what if they come back for us and we’re not here, (Y/N)? What if by leaving we forfeit our chances of finding Casey, April, Mikey, and Leo?”

“Well what if we do? Who cares?” Raph argued. “They either left or they’re dead, Donatello! We should leave too if we wanna not be dead!”

“Yeah well what do you know?! You don’t even know the extent of the damage!”

“Yeah I do. Explode-y bomb things from here to the other side of the planet. Earth getting terraformed in some twisted reflection of the world you knew before. Humans turning into horrifying brainless monsters, and humans that turn into horrified monstrous mutants, and humans like (Y/N) who survived with trauma and dead friends. And friends that lose their memories. Yadayada, all that shit.” Raph said through gritted teeth. “Plus, I saw you guys fighting off those mutants in the last supply run, you barely escaped with your fucking tail attached. Long story short, I vote we get outta here as soon as possible.”

You and Donnie looked at each other, blinking.

“I vote what he votes.” You supplied.

Donnie sighed. “You always did…fine. Fine, guys. You win. But can we please just stay for one more night?”

You shrugged. “Yeah, I think that seems fair. Raph?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Deal. We havta go on that supply run, anyways, so.”

“Cool cool. So…farmhouse then, Dee?” You said hesitantly, as if you were afraid of hurting Donnie.

Donnie just grunted. “I’m gonna go into sleep mode. You guys handle the supply run, I have to do some repairs from last time.”

“Well that wasn’t really an answer.” You said flatly as Donnie’s lights went out again.

“...No it was not.” Raph sighed.

***

“D’ya think I can pull off steel-toed boots?” You grinned, rapping your knuckles on the metal capped toes of a pair of leather combat boots.

“Well…it seems efficient, so yeah, why not.” Raph shrugged.

“Yeah, but would it look rad?” You pressed.

Raph nodded. “It would look badass.”

“Now that’s the answer I was lookin’ for.” You beamed, pulling on the boots.

“Do you think I’d look cool in that jacket?” Raph asked, reaching for an aviator jacket. It was useful, from a practical standpoint, with tons of pockets and the ability to hold in warmth, but he didn’t really want it if it didn’t make him look like the characters on the covers of the comics he’d managed to salvage.

“Raphael, you would look so cool in that jacket. You need it.” You nodded emphatically. “All we’d needa do is cut a hole for your shell.”

“...Oh yeah. Forgot about that part.” Raph sighed, wrinkling his snout in disdain. His shell was kinda inconvenient. But then again, it did function as a fantastic natural armor, so pros and cons. He tossed the jacket into the hijacked cart anyways.

You grabbed a tent from the shelf. “I think this’ll probably be useful down the line right?”

“Well…it’s free, so might as well.”

“Ooh, lookit this lifestraw!”

“What the hell is a lifestraw?”

“It filters water. Turns even the most contaminated junk into safely drinkable water. I’m surprised there’s even one left, this is gonna save our shells.”

“You don’t have a shell, (Y/N).”

“I’ve spent the past three years of my life surrounded almost entirely by people who do. Your jargon has worn off on me.”

“What the hell is jargon?”

“Your turtle-specific manner of speaking. Like swapping normal words for ‘shell’.”

“Shit, we did that?”

“Yeah. It was charming.”

***

“(Y/N), what’s ‘feminine hygiene’?” Raph frowned, peering down an aisle.

You glanced up, following his gaze. “Uh…y’know, girl stuff, don’t worry about it.”

“Donnie said I’m a ‘transman’, so maybe I should.” Raph mumbled, feeling ill at the thought.

You did a double take. “Wait what? Oh-kay, cool cool. Maybe you do need to worry about it.”

Raph grunted and crossed his arms. “I dunno why, but I get a very odd, very uncomfortable feeling when you say that.”

You swallowed, obvious nervousness in your eyes. “Well…that is fair. Raphael…allow me to remind you about the world of…feminine hygiene. Damn. I’m having to give my boyfriend- uh- my best friend- ‘the talk’, this feels weird!” You laughed. “Uh…so how do I put this. Once a month people with feminine body parts…bleed uncontrollably and you havta fix it with the stuff in this aisle! …Yayyyy!”

Raph suddenly got a very vivid memory of sitting on the couch of the lair with a hot pack on his plastron and an angry feeling in his head.

Shit, why was one of the few memories he had of the Old World one where he was bleeding in places he didn’t want to be?!

He groaned and facepalmed. “This is shit, you know that? My life is shit.”

“Periods ain’t fun.” You nodded. “I dunno if you turtles are affected the same way as humans though, so I could be totally wrong-”

“No, no, I remember now. It’s the same. Basically.” Raph said, blushing bright red and glaring at the ground. “Aaand I’m calling it on that conversation.” He finished.

You nodded. “I’ll allow it. Lemme know if you need any help figuring out what supplies you need-”

“-nO I’m good!” Raph exclaimed. “How about you just get- get some other supplies right now?!” He grinned, trying to mask the discomfort that rose the longer he stood in this stupid aisle.

You nodded. “Whatever makes you feel comfortable. I’ll be in the next aisle over, the first aid section, ‘kay?”

“Great.” Raph replied.

It was only after you’d left that he noticed that you’d called him your ‘boyfriend’ for a second there.

Well. Well that was an interesting development.

Raph hated not having his memories. He was 99% positive that Past Raph would know exactly what you meant by that, but presently? Raph was just so, so confused.

Maybe he had been your boyfriend in the Old World. If the photos counted for anything, Past Raph had probably liked you at some point- you showed up more often than anyone else, both in the photos and in his sketchbook. And he hadn’t even finished digging through them yet.

And now instead of having good ol’ Past Raph to comfort you, you got this Raph. The Raph who had forgotten his own name a few days ago, the Raph who didn’t really know what to do when you cried, the Raph who was so sick of not knowing…

Heck, he was pretty sure you had been avoiding touching him, which felt just as weird as being taller than Donnie. Even in the photos, you always seemed to have an arm around him or a hand in his, but now you were careful not to stray within a few feet of him. As if he was some kinda ticking time bomb.

Then again, he kinda was, huh? The last time you’d come near him, he’d tried to stab you in a panic. Maybe you were right to steer clear of him, though the thought of that just made him sad for some reason.

He paused and blinked at a mirror that sat at the end of the aisle.

Huh. That really was what he looked like, all green skin and torn mask tails and neon eyes.

He looked tired.

“Hey Rafa, lookit what I found!” You yelled, and Raph tore himself away from his reflection, dropping his armful of…feminine hygiene products into the cart before following your voice to the paint section.

“Look dude! Spray paint!” You grinned, bouncing on your feet.

Raph stared at you blankly, trying to understand your excitement. “Uh…did we…uhm…”

An image flashed through his head of holding a can of spray paint and stepping back to look at a mural.

“...OH! Oh right! I used to like spray painting!” He exclaimed, pleased at the memory. “(Y/N) I remember it!”

Your eyes widened. “You remember?! Oh Raph this is huge!”

“...What d’ya say to painting a final mural before we leave the city, for….I dunno, old time’s sake?” Raph said with a hesitant smile.

“Hell yeah!” You beamed, grabbing as many colors of spray paint as you could and dropping them into the cart. “Dee is in sleep mode so he can’t even stop us!”

“Yes, I can.”

You fell back and dropped your phone. Raph’s fists flew into a fighting stance, observing the phone nervously.

“Sorry ‘bout the scare guys.” Donnie’s voice chuckled, not sounding even slightly sorry. “I just discovered that I can access you through your phones! I’ll be back in sleep mode soon, I just thought that was a perfect time to test the audio feature.”

“Wait, you can hear our conversations?” You frowned.

“Uh….surprise?” Donnie said sheepishly. “If it makes you feel any better, I don’t plan on stopping you from spray painting. It actually seems like it could both help Raph’s memory since it’s so familiar, as well as being just…a nice gesture. My one suggestion is that you add some way for Leo, Mikey, Casey, and April to find us, like a coded key to our whereabouts.”

“Oh. That’s smart.” You said. “But can we get back to how you’ve been eavesdropping this whole time Donald?!”

“Lalala, going into sleep mode, can’t hear you, lalala…” Donnie said, ever the terrible liar, and disconnected a second later.

“That little shit.” You said fondly. “If you’re still listening, I love you, Don, but you’re a total jerk.”

Raph shook his head, feeling the beginnings of a smile on his face. “If you’re still listening, then quit listening, Donatello.”

But no reply came from the phone, so you shrugged. “Guess he actually is back in sleep mode. C’mon, let’s paint a mural.”

***

Raph glared at the wall.

The spray paint had gathered into a messy blob of color that did not look like a mural.

The paint bottle felt natural in his hand, yeah, and his lines were steady, but they weren’t coming out right. He scowled and tried to cover the blob with a cloud of red, but then it didn’t look like a cloud, it just looked like blood.

“AUGUHH!” He yelled in frustration, kicking the wall. He jumped back to hold his foot, which was now throbbing in pain. Shit, why was that his instinct?!

“You good Raph?” You said, looking over from your side of the wall. Your mural looked nice, with a painting of two turtles, a skeleton, and a red haired girl with eyes that seemed to glow. They were all outlined in thick black and colored in vibrant shades, which made them pop against the gray wall.

“Fine…” He grumbled, rubbing his foot. “I just- I can’t draw or something.”

You followed his glare toward his bloody smear of a painting.

“Oh…did you…”

“Forget? Yeah. I fucking forgot how to draw.” He said with a humorless laugh.

“Do you…want a crash course? We’ve still got an hour or so before we have to head out…” You offered.

He shook his head. “No…we don’t have time. …Did you add the message?”

You nodded, still staring at him sympathetically. “I wrote ‘guys, find us in the healing place- Red, Purple, and (L/N)’. They’ll know what I mean.”

“The ‘healing place’?” Raph repeated.

“The farmhouse.” You elaborated. “We went there back when the kraang invaded three years ago. Leo was in a coma for like three months, and y’know…healed. And I think we all kinda healed too. You were kinda the team leader for a bit there…” You trailed off, eyes glazing over as if you were reminiscing about something Raph undoubtedly wouldn’t understand. You shook your head clear. “...but you know, I think they’ll get it. More importantly, I don’t think anyone else will, so we can’t be followed. Not that we have any reason to be followed, I’m just paranoid.”

“Aren’t we like…ninjas with like a million enemies or whatever?”

You snorted. “Kinda, yeah.”

“...So the idea that we might be followed doesn’t seem that outlandish, right?” Raph ventured.

“Hm. Thanks for justifying my paranoia, Raphael!” You exclaimed, not looking any happier.

“...Uh…I’m gonna say you’re welcome, but I get the funny feeling that you don’t actually mean that, huh?” He said sheepishly,

“No, I…I dunno.” You said with a humorless laugh. “I’m being weird.”

“It’s literally the end of your world. You should be acting weird, right?” Raph snorted.

You smiled half-heartedly. “Ya think?”

“Donnie’s acting weird, I’m acting weird. You can act weird too.” He said matter-of-factly.

You sighed. “But that’s just the thing. Donnie lost their body. You lost your past. What the hell did I lose? …You know, aside from my friends…and family…and my old life…but you guys lost that too!”

“I really didn’t. You can’t miss what you don't remember, right?” Raph said with a hollow laugh. “I have no Old World. No old connections. The world we’re in now is basically all I’ve ever known, so if anything, I’ve lost…the least.”

You stared at him, a discomforting sense of horror in your eyes. You raised your hands as if to set them on his shoulders, but then lowered them instead.

“Raph…Fuck. No! You’ve lost everything! Like, way more than I have! At least I still have good memories to go back to, o-of you, of Chompy, of Leo and Casey and Mikey and April…of Mona, Raph, I still have memories of Mona, and you don’t even have that…” You wiped your eyes with your scarf and shook your head. “Shit, man. We’re all going through hell, I shouldn’t bother comparing it.”

“Yeah….yeah. That’s a good way of lookin’ at it.” Raph sighed.

“...Who's Mona?” He asked lightly, after a beat of silence.

You smiled slightly. “Mona Lisa? She’s this really awesome Salamandrian who we met in space.”

“We went to space?!” Raph said, eyes widening.

“Yup. It was very convoluted… Anyways, we both had this ridiculous crush on her…she was so cool. She could beat us at fighting easily, but she also was so sweet…ahhh, what a woman.” You said, perking up a bit more. “Anyways, at least she’s safe…She’s in space.”

“What else have you guys not told me about my life?!” Raph exclaimed.

“I promise I’ll tell you everything once life has calmed down a bit, but there is some stuff that I genuinely believe is too much for you right now.” You shrugged.

“Well it’s my memories, so I don’t think that’s for you to decide.” Raph frowned.

You opened your mouth, glaring at him, before deflating. “...I…you’re right. It is your memories, Raph. You do deserve the truth. But the truth isn’t always easy or fun or any of that so can we make a compromise?”

He gestured for you to go ahead.

You squeezed your hands. “I’ll tell you what you need to know, and if you figure stuff out on your own- which is highly likely- I’ll give ya more details. Deal?” You held out your hand.

Raph sighed. This was probably the best he was gonna get from you.

…Also…what was with the hand?

Raph frowned, staring at your hand, and took it awkwardly. “Deal?”

You blinked.

He blinked.

“Raph why are you still holding my hand?” You coughed.

“Oh, was I supposed to-”

“-Let go, yeah, this is a handshake.”

“-Weird. You guys are weird.”

“You still haven’t let go?” You said, but you were smiling.

Would it be weird if he said he kinda didn’t wanna? Holding your hand felt nice…

“Uh- right.” He grunted, wrenching his hand out of yours.

***

Day 16.

“Well, I think we’re all set to go upstate.” Donnie said as he finished checking over the items Raph and you had taken.

“Cool.” You said softly.

You’d talked about going upstate for the past two weeks, but as Donnie closed the power-cell powered freezer box, it finally hit you that you were leaving.

Like leaving leaving.

It wasn’t like there was much of a choice. New York was dangerous, more now than before. You and Raph had even wound up in a mild tussle as you made your way back to the Shellraiser last night.

There were too many scared humans and animals that had gained sentience and horrifying mindless creatures that looked like body-horror inspired abominations to go anywhere without a fight. And frankly, none of you wanted to deal with that.

And it didn’t help that Donnie’s sensors weren’t picking up on any habitable land in the general radius. You were sure he wasn’t telling you everything, but he had mumbled something about the soil being full of toxic chemicals and unable to maintain life among…other things.

Essentially, New York City was dying. But maybe if you were all lucky, the farmhouse would be habitable.

By which you meant…with good soil. It’d be really really nice if you guys could just…plant seeds for food and hang out there for the rest of eternity. Nice, but unlikely, if you were realistic. Still. It was a spot of hope.

Raphael stared at you mournfully as you and Donnie finished preparing the Shellraiser. He did that a lot now, and it always stung about the same- he wanted to remember you, but to him, you were a stranger.

You hated feeling like a stranger around the person who’d been closer to you than anyone ever back in the Before Times.

Not that you’d told him much. You thought there was kinda a power imbalance now, since you knew so much about Raph and he now knew so little about you. He was vulnerable, and you, being one of the ones who had saved him, had a bit more sway over him than you felt comfortable with.

He was catching onto you though, you could see that. He’d understandably demanded answers last night, and although you’d agreed to his terms, you were dreading it. Because how could you tell him that he had been your boyfriend if he didn’t even know who you were? Worse, would he feel like he had to immediately go back to that just to make you feel better?

You’d described your relationship to him as ‘best friend’, which was more accurate, honestly, considering both you and Raph had been a bit odd around romance, but still. It would probably be more to take in than he could handle right now…

“So. We ready to get this tin can on the road?” You said finally, leaning over Donnie’s shoulder as they stepped away from the newly pumped tires.

“...I believe so.” Donnie said proudly, patting the side of the car.

And with that, you gave New York City one final good-bye.

“Seeya, New York…you were one hell of a town to live in. We….had a lotta fun here.” You said, leaning against the Shellraiser to stare at the cityscape.

“Goodbye pigeons and manholes and starless skies. I-I’ll miss you.” Donnie said fondly, leaning next to you.

“And I’ll miss pizza gyoza, my fire escape- heck, I’ll even miss Shredder’s lair and TCRI.” You grinned.

“What a town.” Donnie said, nodding.

"Hey guys, this is real sweet, but it’s getting dark.” Raph grunted, poking his head out the door. “Let’s get this freakshow on the road.”

“...Okay.” You said with a rueful smile.

“...Yeah, we’re coming.” Donnie sighed, and the two of you headed into the Shellraiser.

***

By the time the sun had set, you had left the city.

Raph sat in the passenger seat, eating dry pasta like a heathen, and Donnie sat in the roof hatch running his scanners. You weren’t exactly expecting that he’d find anything positive though.

As you silently drove up the road, you took note of a few things- first off, there were trees out here, at least. Dead trees, but still trees rather than alien shapes that had loomed over you in New York, which was some relief.

Secondly…there was no sign of life. The only noise you had heard since leaving New York was the quiet hum of the Shellraiser’s engine, punctuated by Raphael’s crunching on his fucking dry pasta. (Seriously, that stuff could not be good for his digestive system…)

Thirdly…your hopes of finding an oasis in all of this were running as dry as the land around you.

New York was dead, and Earth wasn’t following too far behind it.

Donnie clambored back down from the top lookout with a heavy sigh.

“So Doc, what’s the diagnosis?” You said dryly, no bothering to turn around. “Lemme guess- we’re doomed?”

“Well, my sensors have picked up nothing but toxic chemicals and mutagen. There's no living organic plant forms for miles. I’m not picking up on the signatures of Casey, April, Leo, Mikey, Karai, the Mutanimals, or the (L/N)s. I don’t think the Earth will ever heal from this, and our tech has been basically thrown back to the dark ages.” He paused to heave an even more dramatic sigh, before saying “So does that answer your question?” cheerfully.

You whistled. “Ouch. So we are doomed.”

Raph crunched on his pasta and glanced up. “Great. That’s….real great.”

“Raph, are you eating straight up uncooked tortellini?!” Donnie said, gagging.

Raph smirked and crunched louder, and you cringed at the sound.

“Ugh, must you do that?”

“It tastes good.” He said innocently.

“Well don’t come to me for help when you get a stomachache.” Donnie said, disgusted.

You snorted, and refocused on the road as Donnie continued to complain about Raph’s apoca-licious eating habits.

Because hey. Maybe you were just headed towards certain doom upstate. Maybe Raph would never remember the past. Maybe the fucking planet was mutated beyond recognition…But hey.

At least you were with your best friends.

Heck, if you ignored the metallic tremor in Donnie’s voice and made Raph’s ever so slightly gentler, you could pretend that this was just another peaceful road trip. Just another night of smiling at Dee and Rafa’s antics, of choosing to unsubtly egg them on, of talking till morning with Raph about shit like life and the future and insecurities, comforting each other in that sweet way the two of you always had.

Yeah, yeah. You’d pretend it was a night like that.

And for a bit, you’re nearly convinced that when you woke up tomorrow, everything would be alright.

***

Day 17.

Everything was not entirely alright.

The farmhouse was devoid of people, and was shrouded in suspiciously pink clouds that hung lower than clouds usually did. Donnie scanned the air though and only got the usual amount of toxic chemicals, so you guys reluctantly decided it was safe.

“Woah, looks like this place already got picked clean.” You winced, glancing around the main room. It was mostly empty- everything from the furniture to the photos on the wall had been taken.

The stairs however, had caved in, but with the help of your grappling hook, you made your way to the top without too much effort.

The top of the house, by comparison, was full of the homey clutter that you had grown to expect from the healing place. Just being there, surrounded by everyone’s old things and the memories around them, made you breathe a sigh of relief.

“Anything up there?” Donnie said from the ground level.

You smiled, breathing in the air of the place you’d briefly called home. “Everything, Don. Case’s spare eyeliner pens, Leo’s matcha powder, Raph’s forgotten sketchbooks and acrylics…everything.”

With a bit of effort due to Metalhead’s heavy clunky body, Donnie managed to heave themself upstairs too.

“Woah. Weird being back here.” He said, and you got the impression that he’d be smiling if they could.

“How’re ya doin’ down there, Raph?” You said, leaning over the stair rail to see him staring into the living room.

“I…we watched a dumb cartoon there, right? Uh…Chris Bradford the…Barbarian?” He breathed, as if speaking any louder would shatter his ability to remember.

You and Donnie glanced at each other, swapping a pair of grins. Well, metaphorically, in Dee’s case.

“Yeah. Crognard the Barbarian…” You smiled. “But we did watch another show about Chris Bradford!”

“Awesome, Raph!” Donnie said, pumping their fist.

“...Cool.” He said softly, putting his hands into the pockets of his jacket. “So…this is the safehouse, then?”

“Well, ‘safe’ is a strong word…there’s a heck of a lot of danger we got into here last time.” You said, sliding down the stair banister.

“Out here in the middle of nowhere?” Raph snorted, turning towards you. “How the hell was this dangerous?”

“You got mutated into a plant once,” Donnie supplied.

“Ooh, Bigfoot tried to marry Don,” You grinned.

“Who’s bigfoot?”

“This forest cryptid who had a crush on Donnie.” You said with a chuckle.

“(Y/N), please know that I would be rolling my eyes at you right now if I still had them.” Donnie sighed.

“I wouldn’t expect anything less.” You said, giving them a mock-salute.

Raph entered the dining room. “Did anything terrifying happen here?” He said curiously.

“Hm…Oh yeah. We fought off mutant frogs.” You said, nodding at the memory. “They were all named after conquerors and they hated humans. …One of them talked like Napoleon Dynamite….not that you’d know that reference…”

“Ha, what?” Raph chuckled. “Our lives sound weird. What other things did we do?”

“Oh they very much were.” You nodded. “Let’s see…what other shit did we do? Uhm…there was this one time when you got your brain swapped with a kraang, that one was weird.”

“What exactly is a kraang? You’ve mentioned them before, but…”

“Oh, right. A kraang looks like- well, here.” You pulled up a photo of a snarling kraang that you’d taken a selfie with. “Voila.”

“Eww.” Raph cringed. “Why is it like…all goopy and gross?”

“Evolution, I guess.” You said, wrinkling your nose. “Gnarly, right?”

“So you’re tellin’ me I got my brain swapped with that thing?!” Raph said incredulously.

“Yup. It was pretty freaky seeing your body completely…not-like-you, but hey, we figured it out.” You chuckled.

“Hey Raph, you might wanna see this!” Donnie said, yelling over the stair rail.

“Uh, okay…” Raph frowned, heading towards the rope you’d hung over the caved-in stairwell. You followed after him.

“See, lookit this-”

“Hey, this- this is my room!” Raph exclaimed, shoving past Donnie and into the room. “I- I remember this place! I remember sitting there,” He said, pointing at the bed, “And coming this way-” He spun out of the room and down the hall to the bathroom- “And-....oh.” He frowned, opening the bathroom door. “I…I get the weird feeling that somethin’....happened here, huh?” He said softly.

You winced, reaching to put a hand on his shoulder, before thinking better of it. “Yeah. This is where Leo…was in his coma.”

“...You sat with him every day, Raph, ‘till he healed.” Donnie said gently.

Raph nodded. “Ha. I…ah…don’t remember that.”

“Well, you did remember your room, and a piece of your old daily routine, so I’d say this is a win! Robo-high-three!” Donnie said cheerfully, holding up their hand.

Raph wrinkled his snout “Uh…okay…” He held up his own hand, mirroring theirs, staring at them with an awkward shrug. “Hello, three? Uh…satisfied?”

Donnie lowered his hand. “...I shoulda seen that one coming.”

Raph rolled his eyes, shoving his hand back into his pocket. “Whatever, Don. What was it you called me up here for, anyways?”

“Your old sketchbook! I know you have the one from the lair, but this one is full of all the stuff you did here!” Donnie said excitedly, handing Raph the book.

Raph shrugged and accepted it, flipping through the pages. “Woah. These are pretty nice.” He said, starting to smile a bit.

“Ooh, can I see?” You asked hopefully.

“Sure.” Raph nodded, angling the book so you could see the art too.

This page was full of the planning-stage-sketches for what you recognized to be the painting he’d done on the party van.

“Oh dude, these rock.” You grinned.

“Yeah…I just hope I’ll be able to…y’know.” He clenched his hand, giving it a sad stare. “Do them again someday.”

***

Day 20.

“Well ladies and gentlefolk, turtles and others, I have gathered you all here today to present…The Donbot V.1!” Said Donnie, staring into the mirror.

It was a pretty nice design, if they did say so themself. It was taller than Metalhead’s model had been, standing at his usual height of 5 '6-to-5' 8-ish, and was made of a dark green steel he had salvaged back in the city. In a burst of inspiration, they had added purple accent lights.

For the first time in days, they didn’t feel so wrong about looking into the mirror. The face that stared back at him wasn’t his, really, but it was…closer. The blank face felt somehow more comfortable than Metalhead’s imitation-turtle one.

They shook their head, chuckling to themself slightly. If only he were presenting his invention to a crowd of scientifically minded peers instead of to his friend and his brother. Then he might prepare something flashy and exciting, presentation-wise.

But alas, it was the end of the world.

So instead, he simply glanced at themself one more time before leaving the bathroom, revealing his new body without any fanfare.

You patted his shell and said they looked ‘rad as hell’. Raph shot him a wary look, but it went away fast, and soon enough Raph was congratulating him too- albeit, with a bit of mild confusion.

Ironically, the brother that would have once understood better than anyone what it feels like to be in a body you don’t want….just happened to be the brother who had recently forgotten that he usually had dysphoria.

Donnie supposed that in a post apocalyptic world where gender was so irrelevant that Raph hadn’t even realized he was trans, it wouldn’t even occur to Raph to be dysphoric. (Hm. Maybe the end of the world had its good sides!)

But secretly, selfishly, a twisted part of Donnie wished that Raph was still in the state of mind to relate to them. It was unfair, and a cruel thing to wish on his brother. Logically, Donnie knew that. But maybe a part of them wanted to just…feel a little bit more understood. Less like an alien.

It wasn’t like he didn’t notice the way you and Raph flinched when he entered the room, looking at them like he was some- some thing. Some freak. Maybe a cruel voice in the pits of his now-wire-filled stomach whispered things about how much he wished Raph remembered how it felt, how much a part of him wished you had been mutated in the explosion so someone, anyone would understand the soul-crushing loneliness of not being in the right body-

Shit. That was dark. Maybe he was losing more of his humanity than he’d initially theorized-

Donnie swallowed their thoughts and opened the fridge, only to close it again upon remembering that he was physically incapable of eating,

***

Day 21.

“AAAAUGHH!” Raph screamed, dropping to his knees on the dead grass. He threw his arms around his stomach- something in his guts felt like something had crawled in there and died and oh shit was this that girl thing?

“Raph! Are you okay?!” Said Donnie, dropping his bo staff and rushing over.

“Ow- ow- shit- Donatello, I-I gotta take a -oh- a -ow- a break from practicin’.” Raph grunted, using Donnie’s arm to pull himself up.

Time to go fucking deal with this now, he supposed. Just what his stupid life needed right now.

***

Day 24.

“AAAAIIIEEE!” Raph screeched, chucking the stupid fucking salad prongs across the room.

“Raph! Dude!” You snapped. “Look, I know you’re frustrated but ya can’t expect to get it right the first time!”

“Well it’s NOT my first time using sais, is it? Aren’t I supposed to have some kinda muscle memory or whatever?!” He snapped back.

“Raph, bud, bear with me- you lost your memory, hon’.” You sighed. “You gotta be patient with yourself.”

“Maybe my self needs to hurry up already.” Raph said, crossing his arms.

See, it would be one thing if he’d entirely forgotten how to use his sais. But the thing was- he did remember. He remembered the feeling of their leather, he remembered spinning them and smirking at himself in the bathroom mirror, he remembered holding them in his fists and destroying things and how satisfying it was- but he couldn’t do those things anymore.

It was just as fucking pointless to try as drawing had been.

Shit, there were tears in his eyes.

“You okay, Rafa?” You said gently, doing that annoying thing you did where you reached for him. He always let himself hope that you would actually follow through with it this time…he wasn’t sure why, exactly, but it always felt like a stab to his metaphorical heart everytime you lowered your hand instead of patting him on the shoulder or squeezing his hand or giving him a hug or anything oh good lord he’d take anything- You lowered your hand again, and yet again he felt something shatter in his chest. (Why did he still bother to hope? He’d just thrown his sais in anger. Of course you were nervous around him.)

He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, whatever, (Y/N). I’m fine.”

“...Okay…well…I’m here to talk if you need me, y’know?” You said, smiling softly.

“I don’t wanna talk.” He grumbled. I want a hug, I want warmth, I want someone to say everything is gonna be okay-

You nodded, staring at him sadly. “...Okay.”

You left the makeshift dojo, leaving him alone with the blank walls of what had once been a living room.

Raph wiped his eyes and glared at your retreating figure, half-aware that his anger was misplaced. It wasn’t like you’d done anything other than be understanding and supportive…but still.

***

Day 25.

“BACK OFF!” Raph yelled, glaring at the robot.

“Raph, it’s okay, it’s me, your brother! Donatello!”

Raph had brothers?

…No, that didn’t sound right- this robot was probably here to hurt him- a vague memory of fighting a similar robot flashed through his mind, reaffirming his certainty that this thing was bad and dangerous and wanted to hurt him-

He bit back a whimper as the robot got closer, instead snarling as viciously as he could. “Get away from me ya fucking toaster.”

The robot stepped back.

Huh. The…robot stepped back…?

The robot in his memory shifted into a turtle with a worried look on his face and a gap in their teeth and a purple mask.

Donatello.

Oh…right. This was Donatello. His brother. He was at the farmhouse with you and Donatello….Donatello who was a robot now.

“Shit.” Raph mumbled, staring at the robot that was Donatello. “I…I did it again, huh?”

“RAPH! DEE! Jeez, are you guys okay?! I heard yellin’ and-'' You said, slamming the door open. The kitchen door. Raph was in the kitchen. The farmhouse kitchen.

“Just…another incident. Don’t worry about it.” Raph muttered sullenly, wiping the spit off his mouth that he must’ve gotten from all the animalistic hissing.

“Ah.” You said. “Are you both…okay then?”

Donnie nodded wordlessly, ducking out of the room with his head down and shoulders slumped.

Raph scowled, hugging his knees to his chest. “Same as I usually am, I guess.”

“So…not great?” You frowned.

“Not great.” He confirmed.

“Ah.” You leaned forwards hesitantly, hand outstretched.

This time Raph didn’t even flinch when you inevitably lowered it and followed Donatello out of the room. He just shoved his face into his kneepads and tried really hard not to cry.

***

Donnie slipped outside, staring out at the wasteland that used to be a forest.

Raph had forgotten him again.

Honestly, they didn’t know why it hurt so much. It wasn’t the first or even the second or third time Raph had forgotten him…but Raph went into the feral mode around Donnie way more than he did around you.

And logically, Donnie knew exactly why that was. You looked the same as you always did, albeit more battered and less smiley, while he, Donnie, looked entirely different. He was entirely different.

His sensors picked you up behind him on the porch.

“Hey.” They said glumly.

“Hey Dee.” You said, sitting on the porch steps next to him.

“I don’t think the world will ever heal again, (Y/N).” Donnie said softly.

Your eyes grew glossy (although maybe they already had been), and you looked away from them. “...I know.”

“I miss everyone so much.” He whispered.

“Me too.”

“Casey and I first became friends in that barn…April kissed me by the stump…” He said, trailing off. He put a hand on his face, remembering where Casey had first kissed him. That had also been at the farmhouse…

God, they missed Casey and April.

You nodded. “Me and Raph once buried a dead turtle over there…it used to be the prettiest part of the yard.” You said bitterly, pointing towards the spot where the pond had been just a month ago. Now it was reduced to another patch of dry, dying grass.

“So it was a turtle? I thought you guys killed someone.” Donnie said, only half joking- They remembered vaguely how he’d walked in on Leo lecturing a guilty-looking you and Raph on ‘honorability’ one morning. They’d glanced outside to see a suspicious grave outside that hadn’t been there the night before, and put two and two together…nice to know that it was just an unmutated turtle.

“Yeah…Raph thought it was like, a blow to his masculinity or something to tell you guys that he cared about animals.” You said with a snort.

“Well that’s stupid, we all know he loved animals. He was like a Disney princess around them.” Donnie said, shaking their head.

“Yeah…very true.” You smiled.

“What do you plan on doing about your whole….thing with Raph, anyways?” They said, changing the subject in hopes of distracting their thoughts from existential dread.

You sighed, running a hand down your face. “Fuck, man. I don’t know. Like…I love him so much, but it’s not fair for me to right now. He’s vulnerable and scared and doesn’t even know who we are half the time…how can I put the pressure of a relationship, or even the implications of a past relationship, on him right now? That’s just…so unfair. Plus, we’re the only people he has right now. What if he thinks not liking me will mean us…like, kicking him out or something fucked up like that? What if he tries to force himself to feel the same just out of guilt? What if-”

“Well first off, overthinking things? That’s my job, stay outta my turf.” Donnie teased. You smiled slightly. “Secondly- who says you have to tell him? Because you really don’t.”

“Well, he’s not dumb, Don- he’s figured out that I’m hiding something.” You said dryly.

“Are you though? Because I’m pretty sure you’ve been fairly honest about things- he’s your best friend. He always was. Just say ‘yeah we were like close or something’, you know? It’s not like you guys ever kissed or anything, at least not much, so it’s not much of a stretch.” Donnie suggested.

You nodded. “Yeah…I guess you’re right…who knew you were so good with relationship advice?”

“Nah, I just know you and Raph pretty well.” He chuckled.

You smiled, putting an arm around his shoulders in a side hug. “Thanks Don.”

“Hey, thanks for distracting me from my existential dread.” They snorted, hugging you back.

***

Day 35.

“What if I can’t feel feelings?” Said Donnie, lying awake next to you.

“Hnnghh…Go to sleep Donnie.” You grunted, pulling your blanket tighter around your shoulders. It may have been more secure and safe to have all three of you stationed in the Shellraiser rather than the house, but man, between Raph’s snoring and Donnie’s shitty sleep schedule that you knew full well he had programmed himself to have, it certainly made sleeping hard.

“But what if this is all a dream! What if I died and this is a severely messed up dream I’m having in my last few minutes of life?”

“Shut up Donatello.” Raph groaned, trying to muffle Don’s voice with a blanket.

“What if I'm in a coma and I’m dreaming this and the Earth is actually fine?”

“Go to sleep, broooo…” You moaned, covering your ears with a pillow.

“I don’t usually go into sleep mode for another…mmm…two hours.” Donnie said. “Damn…sleep mode! (Y/N), I’m not a person anymore, am I?!”

“Donatello. Buddy. Pal. I love you dearly. You are a beautiful, fantastic, brilliant person. Let me fucking sleep.” You hissed.

“...Mmm…Okay. G’night.” There was a click, and Don-bot powered down.

“Oh thank god.” Raph grunted, shoving his face into his pillow.

He proceeded to snore incredibly loudly.

You groaned.

***

You blinked your eye open at the sudden silence.

Raph had somehow wound up with his arms tightly wrapped around your arm in his sleep. He was shivering, which made sense considering the cold.

You were tempted to pry him off so that he wouldn’t be awkward or uncomfortable when he woke up. But he looked so peaceful, and you missed this…

Plus you were too tired to do anything. So maybe you’d let him stay…

You’d pry him off before morning though.

***

Day 37.

Raph was pretty sure that Past Raph had had the hots for you. He’d finished reading through his old sketchbook, and it was full of little paragraphs in the margins and crossed out text where he could just barely make out the word ‘(Y/N)’.

He supposed it made sense. He may not have remembered too much of his life, but he had a decent recollection of what pretty people looked like- and you definitely fit that category. Plus, you were funny and cool and sweet….not that it mattered much nowadays.

After all, Past Raph and Current Raph’s circumstances were vastly different. So maybe a part of him was tempted to bug you for more info…but he knew enough to just let it be.

That was the Old World.

In the New World, trivial things like relationship status mattered very little.

(Still, was it really asking so much to have someone who’d hug him? Was he so wrong to wish for a hand on the shoulder once or twice, the way you always were in those goddamned photos?)

(Meh, probably.)

He hugged himself, staring up at the ceiling.

“Oh hey, you’re awake!” You grinned, poking your head into the Shellraiser. “Mornin’ Sleeping Beauty! Breakfast is inside if you want it.”

Raph sat up slowly. “Okay…”

“How’re you doing?” You said as you led him across the yard. It was still cold and dark out, and Raph shivered.

“...Tired.” He grunted.

“Understandable.” You nodded. “I’ve been pretty tired too, but it’s so hard to sleep when it’s so freakin’ cold at night and like, a million degrees the instant the sun rises.” You complained, passing him a plate of eggs from the remaining unmutated chickens.

“Says you, the one who's warm-blooded.” Raph teased.

“Oh shit, you must be so cold at night!” You said, seeming to have just remembered that Raph was a reptile.

“Freezing.” Raph nodded.

“Maybe Don can build a heat lamp!” You suggested. “They’re still in sleep mode right now, but we can ask when he wakes up.”

Raph perked up. “Wait, that exists?”

“Yeah, shit- I can’t believe I didn’t think of that like…forever ago. I guess I forgot that you’re cold-blooded…and now that Donnie is…non-blooded, it must’ve slipped their mind too…I’m so sorry Rafa!” You exclaimed.

“Wait. So this WHOLE TIME I could’ve NOT frozen my tail off every night?!” Raph groaned.

You shrugged weakly. “...Yup.

“This is so stupid.” He sighed, stabbing his eggs with one of his sais.

“Dude…you're using that as a fork?” You cringed.

Raph scowled. “Well it’s not like I know how to use it as a weapon anymore.”

“But…but…Raph you have stabbed through people with those! There is no way that that’s even slightly sanitary!” You squeaked.

He shrugged and ate his breakfast off the end of the sai.

You looked ill. “You are… such a teenage boy. Please stop.”

He sighed but swapped the sai for a fork. “Okay, okay. Jeez.”

“Thank you.” You groaned, patting his shoulder unconsciously.

And suddenly it felt like his brain had short circuited.

Oh god, he remembered you.

How could he have ever forgotten you?! All the memories shot into his brain at record speed- sitting on a fire escape with your arm around his shoulders, spray painting the side of TCRI, making fun of Casey and Donnie’s crushes on April, beating up bad guys, the look on your face- that toothy grin that you never ever wore theses days, a familiar hand resting comfortingly on his shoulder- and oh god, he remembered you!

“I- I…(F/C)!” He gasped. You jerked your hand away guiltily, but he caught it before you could. “(Y/N). Your favorite color is (F/C)!”

“W-what?” You said, eyes wide.

“(Y/N) I remember! I-I remember you! Not everything probably, but- but I remember you!” He exclaimed, gripping your hands in his.

Your eyes widened even further. “Raph, you- what?!”

He grinned and hugged you to his chest as tightly as he could. Tentatively, you relaxed into it, rubbing his shell gently.

“I remember you!” He exclaimed.

You nodded, still looking baffled. “Like…what?”

“I remember how we met- I fell onto your fire escape! A-and I remember eating breakfast here with you and talking about…well, something, probably, but it was definitely here at this table! And I remember…I had this pet turtle, right? I think his name was…Slash? No! Spike! Slash was the mutant…? Whatever! I remember you sitting….uh…there, by that broken window, and I drew this picture!” He grinned, holding up a page in his sketchbook. It was a portrait of you, with soft shading and a bold outline.

“Woah, Raph?! You just- remember all this?!” You said, still staring in disbelief.

“Bits and pieces, yeah- I think it was ‘cause you…you know, touched me. It’s like…muscle memory? I dunno. Might hafta ask Donnie…”

“Raph!” You grinned, hugging him tightly. “I just- wow! This is so cool, I-”

“Woah, are we interrupting somethin’?” Said a familiar voice.

You and Raph jolted into defensive positions, hopping up to face the person-

And then your brain seemed to short-circuit.

“Casey?” You squeaked. “CASEY!”

“(Y/N)! RAPH! Dude I can’t believe we finally found you!” Casey shrieked just as loud, diving in to grab you and Raph in a messy group hug.

You grinned, hugging your friends close. “Casey Jones, I’m so glad you’re okay- fuck man, I thought you must’ve gotten kraang-ifed…”

Raph pulled away, staring at Casey. “You’re…the skeleton dude- Casey Jones?”

“Uh, no duh- who else would I be?! Casey Jones is in the flesh babeeyy!” He grinned, pumping his fist.

“Raph…uh…hit his head in the mutagen bomb, Case’.” You mumbled, and Casey’s grinning facade shattered.

“Oh. Shit.” He said, staring at Raph. “Do you remember…like…anything?”

Raph shrugged dejectedly. “...Some of it. I remember…you and I would spray paint, I think? I remember a lotta (Y/N) apparently…I’ve got some vague recollections of Donatello, mostly their nerd-stuff…”

“Jeez man. That’s…depressing as fuck.” Casey said, blunt as he’d always been.

“Yeah.” Raph grunted.

“So…is it just you?” You asked, fearing the worst.

“Naw, I just found you guys first.” Casey smiled. “Red n’ Angel are searching upstairs…but I hear them coming down right….now.” He said, nodding right as the sound of two people tripping and falling off the treacherous stair-rope Donnie had installed.

“Oooh.” You and Casey winced.

“How ‘bout you? Any sign of the others? …Where’s Donnie?” Casey’s voice lowered for the latter, in an anxious tremor.

“Dee’s….fine. They just…look different than they did last time…you saw them. And…they’re pretty insecure about it.” You mumbled.

“Casey! Casey, we found evidence of someone upstairs- (Y/N)?! Raph!” April said, running into the kitchen as she noticed you. “You guys are here!”

“C’mon O’Neil, rule one of bein’ a ninja is ‘Don’t ever question the vague instructions you get from graffiti’. Didja ever doubt it?” You teased, grinning.

“I-I was so worried, guys! I thought that since my psychic powers stopped working-”

“Woah, how’d that happen?”

“Too many big auras now. They’re impossible to tell apart…trying just gives me a headache.” April explained. “But I thought it meant that you might’ve been dead…” She whispered, and Casey put an arm around her shoulders.

“Woah. So this is your turtle, Case’?” Said a new voice, and a teenage cat mutant leaned into the kitchen. “Hi.”

Raph only grunted in response, and the cat mutant that must’ve been Angel nodded. “Fair.”

“So where is Dee then?” Casey said.

“Shellraiser. In…uh…sleep mode.” You said. “I’ll go get him…but would you guys mind…shit this sounds wimpy. But could you guys…come with me?” You muttered. A part of you was 100% convinced that the instant you left them they would all fade away.

But Casey, who would usually make fun of you for such a childish request, slung his other arm around your shoulders- and you realized he probably felt exactly the same.

“Sure thing.” He said, smiling softly.

“Thanks guys.” You beamed.

You were finally smiling the way you did in the photographs.

Raph couldn’t help but smile too.

***

When Donnie woke up from sleep mode on Day 37 of the Mutant Apocalypse, he was greeted by four familiar faces- two of which were the only faces he’d seen at all in the past month, and two of whom were what convinced him that they were probably somehow dreaming.

But they were a robot, and dreaming wasn’t physically possible anymore.

So that meant this must, somehow, be real.

“Hey Donnie.” Said April, smiling at him, and he wanted to cry even though he didn’t have eyes.

“‘Sup Don.” Said Casey, grinning his gap-toothed grin that looked so much like Donnie’s old one.

“You’re here.” Donnie whispered, feeling his new antennae shoot up. “Holy chalupa you’re HERE?!”

You smiled, helping him up. “Hey Dee, I forgot to tell ya- we’ve got company.”

Donnie stared at the humans. They were here. He had so many questions, but most importantly-

“D’you guys like the new look?” He chuckled, only half joking.

Casey shrugged. “It’s different, but it looks metal as fuck.”

“Yeah that’s ‘cause it is metal, ya meathead.” Said Raph, smiling.

“It looks so cool Dee.” April said, smiling warmly.

Donnie really really wished they could still emote right about now, because the dopey grin that they would have grinned for that was unreal.

***

Day 40.

You and Raph lay on the roof of the farmhouse, watching the red sun set, leaving the sky that weird glowing purple color that it had begun to adopt.

(It really did remind you of some of those old Space Heroes episodes.)

“I really miss the stars.” You said lightly. “But I guess this is sorta pretty too, huh? In like…a weird way.”

“Hey, isn’t that true for all of this shit?” Raph said. “I really miss the stuff in those photos, those glimpses I get of the life we had before…but hey. In a weird…sort of fucked up way…this life is kinda nice too. Don’t get me wrong. It’s really frustrating, I hate my brain most of the time, and I’m like 90% convinced that I’ll never really be the same person…but at least I’m not alone in it, y’know?” He sighed.

You took his hand, squeezing it gently, and he squeezed back, and continued. “I’ve got you and Donnie. I guess now I’ve got Casey, Angel, and April too, and if they survived, who's to say my brothers didn’t?”

You nodded. “Yeah…I guess if we’re out here on this road to nowhere, there’s no one who I’d rather have on my side.” You chuckled half-heartedly. “Still sucks though.”

“Yeah, it really does.” Raph agreed.

You smiled and pulled him into a side hug, suddenly swallowed by bittersweet nostalgia for those days when the biggest threat was Shredder.

But hey, Raph had a point.

At least the outcome, well perhaps a huge downgrade from the breathtaking beauty of the stars, was still sorta pretty.

At least you were on the road to nowhere together.

***

Author's note: I am so glad that Mutant Apocalypse was made into an AU. If it had wound up as the canon ending, that would be...messed up, man. But I like it as an AU, and I hope you've enjoyed journeying through it with me- it's a sad sad ride, but boy did I have fun writing it.

#tmnt x reader #tmnt 2012 x reader #reader insert #gender neutral reader #gn!reader #tmnt raph x reader #tmnt 2012 raph x reader #raph x reader #tmnt 2012 raph #2k12 raph x reader #2k12 raph #mutant apocalypse #tmnt apocalypse au #trans raph

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chromedome-sympathizer · 2 months

Note

Chromedome, for the send me a character ask? ;)

thank you rushing-waters!!!

(this is probably obvious but many spoilers incoming)

First impression

"wow, the artists really are pushing the proportions on these character designs, huh?" -my thoughts when reading for the first time

no seriously his waist is smaller than his head. why do you have a waist so small? for other bots to grab? (yes) (five husbands)

actually seriously tho mtmte was such an intricate fast-paced colorful blur on the first read that I didn't really notice him in particular until issues #14-#16 where I uh. started paying attention. for obvious reasons.

Impression now

whiny self-deprecating loser sadboy who I love with all my heart and soul

no on subsequent reads I definitely started liking him even more. the happiest scenes are when he's fully just some guy, like in the bar talking with swerve about nightmare fuel or trying to guess people from their transformation noises. he's also really good at his job!! (not just mnemosurgery, but forensics in general!) and sorry rodimus, but I would invite him along just for his dry wit.

Favorite moment

I thought for a long time about this one and I think there's just too many to choose from. but if I had to give one off the dome, (ha), maybe that little moment at the beginning of the time travel arc where he's talking to rewind and defending brainstorm. because yeah! he's his friend! and he likes to think he's good at reading people.

Idea for a story

hm. maybe a post canon / au situation where they're still on the lost light and he joins a dedicated forensics team. because I think it would be good for him to feel useful after giving up mnemosurgery

Unpopular opinion

maybe not unpopular. but his holomatter avatar would not look like that. maybe it's just the 2014-ness of it but it just rubs me the wrong way. I don't know exactly what itd be. maybe long blonde stoner hair. I'm thinking he's still masc. idk. he just needs to look pathetic. sadder

Favorite relationship

I could say rewind or brainstorm, but I'm gonna go the other direction. I'm gonna say rodimus. because rewind is right, he is an enabler. actually it's worse than that, since rodimus is not just enabling self destructive behavior but actively initiating it. ordering it, even, as much as anyone on the LL really needs to listen to his orders. (sorry roddy buddy.)

no but I think about this so much. because we remember a few times in canon where rodimus orders a crew member to shoot another. and it's often the same pattern: "shoot them!" "do I shoot to kill?" "yes!" "uh... are you sure??" "okay just incapacitate them." and in these cases rodimus is asking a crew member to harm (or kill) a crew member.

but with CD, rodimus is asking him to hurt himself for the betterment of the crew. usually for the reason that having the information in a dead or unconscious person's head might tilt the balance toward their survival. so in these times, when rodimus says "hurt somebody! (yourself)" there's nobody to say "are you sure?"

(granted, CD does usually say something like "this could kill me" but I don't count it because he's bent on self destruction and he's already got his needles out. I'm sure rodimus brushes it off as that "dry wit.")

Favorite headcanon

idk where this one came from. I think it's a pretty common fanon interpretation. but I love love love the idea that brainstorm made CD's needles. the drama. the angst. I live for it. it just makes sense too! they're both incredibly skilled in their fields and I think having them overlap in this way is incredibly satisfying. (heartbreaking. gut-wrenching.)

#thank you for the ask!#chromedome #mtmte #transformers #eh I'll tag some other people too since I talked about them #rodimus #brainstorm

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northern-passage · 5 months

Note

Oh that's my bad, I'm sorry. I completely forgot we possibly killed soldiers on our way to fight Duncan. I think mine did. Definitely.

It's going to be interesting to see our Hunter deal with having that innocence stripped from them, and how it''ll evolve and change them, for good or ill.

If we fight more humans down the line there's a strong chance the Hunter will realise that it's easier killing them than it is monsters. I'm sure that won't affect the Humanity system too much or anything...

yes the hunter is going to be maturing quite a bit throughout the events of the game in more ways than one. of course they've been on the receiving end of violence & are very aware of the attitudes some people have (and they're aware of the inequality between the north and the south and in places like blackwater) but they've lived in the north most of their life and have focused much of their time on just surviving. so it'll be interesting as they travel with these new companions and see their new perspectives, along with the escalating tensions within Adrania and with Gael, too.

#it sounds silly calling the hunter naive or sheltered but it's more like....#they just have the 'it is what it is' attitude #whereas people like merry and noel are very much of the belief that they can change things if they fight back #which is just something the hunter has never considered before as an option #the realization of 'oh! i can do something about this actually. things should be better actually'#also i believe there's a line in some variations where the hunter thinks killing humans is just the same as killing everything else #which is what disturbs them so much....#and just a caveat to make it clear that the hunter won't have the option to become like a ruthless killer lol #and killing soldiers in that fight doesnt currently effect your humanity or anything since it's not a choice #ask #anonymous

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systemrestart · 2 months

Text

Took me a while, but I've finally finished writing my thoughts on all 22 Touhou games I've played!!!

I tried to keep it brief but uhhhhhhh it ended up being insanely long anyways ;; Whoops. Maybe someday I'll be able to make full-on video reviews for each of them, there was a Lot I glazed over and a lot that's hard to describe without footage.

But regardless, here it is, my thoughts on Touhou 1-19, plus 9.5, 12.5, and 18.5! (Warning that this may be incomprehensible to a non-bullet hell player 😅)

[TOUHOU 1: HIGHLY RESPONSIVE TO PRAYERS]

The obvious black sheep of the family, HRtP isn't a bullet hell shooter, it's an arkanoid-style breakout game. But even so, I LOVE it. HRtP is very precious to me. It's definitely Hard, VERY hard, and the stage layouts can be a little unfair in places lol, but the controls are tight and responsive, and it's incredibly satisfying to improve.

Or even just to play purely for fun! For a decade, I honestly didn't expect to ever 1cc it, I just enjoyed playing casually, and HRtP is very friendly to that approach, with infinite continues, the ability to max out your starting lives, and a shorter time to complete than the other games. It's almost 30 years old now, but if you like breakout style games or old arcade, I still think it's worth a try! Maybe someone else out there will come to love it as much as I do

[TOUHOU 2: STORY OF EASTERN WONDERLAND]

Touhou's first proper shmup/bullet hell, and it is unquestionably the roughest in the series ;; That's not to say it's bad, just that it's aged a little poorly.

I try not to hold future QoL stuff against the older games, but man, not having a focus option, or health bars for the bosses, is Painful. This game also has some of the worst visibility issues in the series (like, bullets being the same color as the background, with no outline), and also an awful glitch that hurts gameplay (dying SHIFTS YOUR HITBOX. considering that knowing where your hitbox is is VITAL to survival……. yikes), so yeah, I understand why it's not fondly remembered.

But it has its charms!! There's the infamous (gay) conversation in Stage 2, this is the only game in which Genji (Reimu's pet turtle who helps her fly in the PC-98 games) speaks, I think the low cap on lives+easy score 1-ups is an interesting combo, AND this game introduced Marisa!!! Even if her design is very different now

I don't play this one much. If I were to rank all the games this one would probably be second lowest. But it's an okay time and you can still get some tense battles!!

[TOUHOU 3: PHANTASMAGORIA OF DIMENSIONAL DREAM]

The first VS shooter of the series!

Basically the idea is that you clear waves of enemies to both send bullets/attacks at your enemy, and charge your gauge to send even more powerful attacks, or even a boss. First to lose all their health loses the round.

The VS shooters are very chaotic, and the enemy AI can absolutely be unfair ;; But the high energy back-and-forth of a match is extremely thrilling!! I also really adore the final boss of this game, Yumemi Okazaki……. a human college professor from the real world, who came to Gensokyo to try and capture someone to prove magic is real to her school…… and she fights with, science? I find her super charming and fun, one of my favorite final boss characters

Now that I've played other VS shooters, including the game that apparently inspired this one, I can say that PoDD is very rudimentary. But sometimes you don't need a lot of fancy bells and whistles to have fun! Now if only it didn't require button mashing, I would play it more often……..

[TOUHOU 4: LOTUS LAND STORY]

LLS was my favorite Touhou game for a long, long, long time.

A big reason it was a favorite is because it's one of the most beginner friendly games by far. No cap on lives (plus 1-ups are granted by score, one of the easier systems), a free bomb after every stage, you can increase your starting lives significantly, there's a "slowmode" option to help you train, most of the patterns are either exploitable or designed around having no visible hitbox…… etc. It was first game I beat on Hard, way back when I was a teenager and could normally only play Easy mode. That's still a precious memory.

LLS also has one of the best overall soundtracks in the entire series. The fun, dream-like Lotus Love, into the tense and foreboding Sleeping Terror, into the calm anticipation of Dream Land, into an explosive heartpounding finale with Faint Dream ~ Inanimate Dream………. absolutely killer.

LLS has aged a little, it doesn't have much of the "flashy", colorful danmaku Touhou is known for. And despite being GENERALLY pretty easy there are a couple insanely difficult patterns that aren't balanced well. Aside from that, it's a little Too easy for me now (at least on Hard and below), but, I still play it regularly just for fun, and will always have a very special place in my heart for it.

(plus, side note, LLS was the introduction of the Stage 4 gimmick, where something is unique about the 4th Stage, boss, or both. I love Stage 4 gimmicks and miss them dearly in the newer games,,)

[TOUHOU 5: MYSTIC SQUARE]

God I love MS. I love MS so much. Probably my second favorite in the series at time of writing.

MS truly is the Greatest Hits of the PC-98 era. Mima and Yuuka come back as playable characters, the danmaku patterns are fun and unique (so much so that ZUN reused a few of them in future games!!!), it has most of the QoL features LLS had besides the free bombs, it introduced one of my favorite characters (Alice), and this is one of the few games where I actually find the faster characters easier/more fun to play as!! Both due to the bullet patterns themselves and because the 1-up system (point item collection) is especially suited for fast characters.

MS is much harder than LLS, but a lot easier than some of the later Touhou games, so it's a great middle ground in terms of difficulty. I only have 2 major critisicms; 1) while the 1-up system and patterns make fast characters more rewarding, there isn't good balance for the other options, so if you wanna play Yuuka you're kind of screwed. And 2) Stage 4. I actually love the Stage 4 gimmick (dual boss that's followed by a solo fight after you take one of them down), but Lord. Stage 4 has two awful glitches that can happen to you, and bullets that are the exact same color as the background. ZUN why

Besides that though, I think MS just naturally caters to my preferred playstyle (chaotically weaving and dancing through bullet spam), so it's a top tier entry for me :)

[TOUHOU 6: EMBODIMENT OF SCARLET DEVIL]

If MS isn't my 2nd favorite in the series, this one is.

I will say this. EoSD has Aged. Imo, it's aged more than MS has. Being ZUN's first Windows game it's a little rough around the edges; muddy graphics, rough soundfonts, heavier reliance on RNG and bullet spam over intricate patterns, and it's missing certain QoL features that it Feels like it should have (like, the PC-98 games were missing stuff, but those games felt like they were built around the limitations, EoSD has a lot of areas where it FEELS like it was designed with future QoL in mind, but it's just….. missing). It also sucks that EoSD is one of only 2 games that locks you out of the final stage if you play on Easy (LLS is the other one),,

But. EoSD is still beloved for a reason. One of the most solid soundtracks in the series, a fun Stage 4 gimmick (different spellcards for different shot types), score-based 1-up system, the introduction of the Point of Collection line, some Iconic boss battles, etc. AND, one of those weaknesses is actually kind of a Strength for me, because again, my preferred play style is well suited to bullet spam!! Stages 5 and 6 are SO fun for me, even though they're commonly cited as things people DISLIKE about EoSD.

EoSD is definitely unpolished, but it's still one of my top favorites, both for its general strengths and for how it caters well to me personally lol.

[TOUHOU 7: PERFECT CHERRY BLOSSOM]

PCB is my current favorite!!

Of all Touhou games, I feel PCB strikes a perfect balance between being accessible, but also still having challenges for those that want it. The patterns are really a step up from EoSD; with the introduction of a visible hitbox, ZUN could make them both more dense and more complex/unique, but they're designed to still be easily understandable. Other QoL features were added that also help a lot (like the enemy tracker, spellcard indicators on the healthbar, success/fail counters, you can save practice mode replays, etc). There's also good variety in the playable characters, each has their own advantages and disadvantages, and one of the best shot types in the entire series is here (SakuyaA lol).

I feel like just saying that doesn't express my love though, there's truly nothing like weaving through a dense maze of beautiful bullets, and PCB is one of THE best for that feeling. I also love this game's 'special feature'; the cherry borders. Not only are they fantastic for survival and training (the border acting as a shield allows you to try new things and take risks where you otherwise wouldn't/couldn't), you can also utilize them in various way; break them on purpose at optimal points to maximize score, keep them as long as possible to milk graze points, use them to clear difficult patterns and stage sections……. it's just a great system that adds depth without overwhelming the player!!

And of course, I must mention something unique to this game; the Phantasm stage! PCB is the only game that has this. It's basically just a 'hard mode' version of the Extra stage, but, the patterns are both exciting to face and gorgeous to look at, the boss herself is genuinely Iconic, and her theme may be even more so.

PCB is pretty much the full package, and is also my recommendation to new players starting out, 100%.

[TOUHOU 8: IMPERISHABLE NIGHT]

This is the last of Touhou's "holy trio", so to speak, alongside EoSD and PCB. There's not much I can point to that's "wrong" with it, or "worse" than the other two, but idk, I don't feel as positively towards IN. I do still really enjoy it though!

There's a lot of great things about IN; the introduction of Spell Practice, there's two different final stages/bosses, the really cool concept for the playable characters/shot-types (character fight in teams, and once you beat both Finals with all teams you can play as each character individually, for a total of 12(!!!) shot-types), the Stage 4 gimmick is a callback to LLS (you fight Reimu or Marisa depending on your character!!), and of course there's some great bullet patterns in there (Keine and Marisa are standouts to me).

There's a LOT of content, more than most Touhou games, which is great!! But there's definitely some aspects that don't feel well polished, which brings it down a bit. The 'special feature' of this game, the Youkai gauge, is not only insanely confusing and complicated, and it's also not fun OR worthwhile to engage with,,, Maybe if I was a hardcore scorer I'd find some value in it, but…… eh. At least it's not obtrusive or anything. Then there's the solo shot-types….. while it's cool they're there, I don't know if ZUN playtested the solo Humans ;; They are very clearly not designed with solo play in mind and if you like to clear ALL shot-types like I do, this can make it an arduous experience to get through all 12

I think it's mostly these things, plus me feeling kind of neutral on the soundtrack and cast, that make IN not stand out, despite all the content. Still a great game, I play it a lot, just not as often as some other entries.

[TOUHOU 9: PHANTASMAGORIA OF FLOWER VIEW]

The 2nd VS shooter in the series!

Mostly the same exciting, chaotic gameplay as the first one PoDD, though with a few key difference. You can now use Focus, which also ties into a new mechanic, the 'scope', which allows you to freeze falling spirits (helps with setting up combos and crowd control) when they touch it. And, using your spell/special attack gauge causes a 'wave' to ripple out and clear bullets around you. I think overall these are excellent addition and that add fun strategy to gameplay.

However, I'm not great at keeping track of combos or purposefully placing spirits during the constant barrage of bullets,,, And some of the character's scopes are……. not fun to utilize. There's also the same problem I had with PoDD, how rapidly pressing the shoot button hurts my hand over time, and while PoFV actually has an alternate control scheme, that alternative FORCES you into focus mode as you shoot. I want to be able to not think super hard about when and where I shoot, so I can focus on dodging, but this just makes the problem Worse because it hampers my movement ;;

I do like the bullet clearing wave though! Plus, this game introduced one of my favorite characters, Aya, AND brought back Yuuka from the PC-98 era!! It's not a bad game and I've had fun with it. I'm just not crazy about the Touhou VS shooters overall. If I wanna play a VS shooter I'd rather pick something like Twinkle Star Sprites.

[TOUHOU 9.5: SHOOT THE BULLET]

This is the first of the 'photo' games, and I have a soft spot for this one. It can be extremely rewarding to clear a difficult scene, and the whole photography thing is a SUPER interesting take on bullet hell. The one thing that sucks is that there's little incentive to go back to scenes once you've managed to clear them. But I guess that's not the point, it's to slowly conquer the challenges each level throws at you and clear as many as you can.

Very solid game, something you can chip away at over time, if you like bullet hell and like interesting challenges give it a try!!

[TOUHOU 10: MOUTAIN OF FAITH]

MoF is the start of a new era. It's pretty stripped back in terms of gameplay because ZUN wanted to focus on making a basic, polished shmup, and he certainly achieved that. The new engine feel smooth as butter, the graphics and sound are crisp, and the bullet patterns and stages are solid. Some of the core gameplay mechanics have been changed though, and it's a little mixed.

For instance, the bombs have been changed in 2 key ways; there are no longer unique bombs for each shot-type, and using a bomb costs you some of your Power instead of an item. Not having unique bombs takes away an element in picking your shot-type, but I don't mind the bomb itself since it's both effective and powerful. Losing Power can be frustrating, and you can end up in a horrible loop if you lose too much at once, but, MOST of the time I find MoF is very generous with Power, and that combined with not being restricted to bomb items can actually be a really sweet deal.

Most of the other changes are similarly mixed, but ultimately I think they work well together! There's only 1 thing I have major critism of, and that's the removal of practice and accessibility features. There's no more extra starting lives from here on out, which I understand, but it does make me sad, as extra lives allows new players to see more of the game (and allows old players to relax on just-for-fun runs). He also removed Spell Practice, which sucks :( But, by far the most egregious change, is that using a continue starts you over from the beginning of a stage….. and just seeing a stage is NOT enough to unlock it in Practice Mode. This is a HUGE hit to the game's accessibility for new or unskilled players, not even allowing them to practice the stage they're stuck on, or prepare for anything beyond it. If you die on a stage so much you have to continue, what the hell made ZUN think starting the whole stage over with almost no lives would help??

Thankfully, I don't need that accessibility much anymore, and there IS a fanmade practice patch out there. MoF is definitely among my top favorite games of the series, it's just a great basic shmup and great start to the new era. Also shoutout to my favorite final boss theme, Venerable Ancient Battlefield ~ Suwa Foughten Field. Loved it so much as a kid that I would mod it into other games LMAO

[TOUHOU 11: SUBTERRANEAN ANIMISM]

SA is considered the 2nd hardest game in the series, and there is good reason for that. Beyond the patterns and stages just generally being pretty difficult, the lives, bombs, and continues system are very punishing in this entry.

The continue system is exactly the same as MoF, which is to say, brutal and unforgiving. Bombs are also tied to power like in MoF, but unlike MoF, Power only goes up to 4.00 instead of 5.00 (with MarisaA as an exception) meaning less bombs overall and leading to the same issues there were in MoF. And, you don't earn full lives, you need 5 life pieces to gain a full extra life, and the one and ONLY way to earn life pieces? Is through clearing boss attacks without bombing or getting hit. There is not even a SINGLE free live in the entire game, you must earn every single one with flawless performance.

This leads to a scenrio where, high skilled players are rewarded with lives they don't need, and less experienced players are basically walled from even practicing. All this, combined with two other factors (some of the weirdest/most difficult to utilize shot-types in the series, and the fact that the actual bombs either suck ass or are also difficult to utilize well), makes SA one of the most "unfriendly" games in all of Touhou project. If not THE most unfriendly.

I have a lot of criticisms of this, and even now I can't say I feel "comfortable" playing through SA. But, (most of) the unique shot-types CAN be rewarding, once you learn how to wield them, and this game has some of the most exciting and challenging bosses. So many fun spellcards……… Satori and Okuu are standouts. Satori's gimmick is also really cool, where her spellcards change based off your shot-type, nearly all of them being alternate version of past spellcards in the series. And of course, this game's cast is absolutely iconic, pairing well with one of the best overall soundtracks in the entire series.

SA is one of those games where I have a lot of fun with it and think it's stellar in terms of music, cast, and bullet patterns, but certain systems and mechanics prevent me from recommending it whole-heartedly to others. There's just a lot of frustrations with it. But it's still fairly high up in my rankings, and there's some value to having a game focused on Skill and skill alone, rather than other gimmicks or resources management or whatnot.

[TOUHOU 12: UNDEFINED FANTASTIC OBJECT]

UFO was the first Touhou game I got to see the release for. It's one of my happiest memories, so my feelings towards UFO may be very biased. Just a warning lol

UFO's "gimmick", the UFOs, is how you engage with basically any other system in the game; you MUST engage with the UFOs if you're going for anything other than a NMNB clear. And ho boy is the UFO system contentious. Not without reason, either. Mid-Bosses and Bosses destroy summoned UFOs which is frustrating, it's super easy to make a mistake with gathering the small UFOs and ruin your combo, if there's small UFOs you don't want on screen they basically act as bouncing projectiles you need to dodge ON TOP of the actual bullets……. etc.

However, while I share a few of those frustrations (damn UFO destroying bosses…..), I find the UFO system to lead to a good combination of routing and room for improvisation. You can memorize when and where certain colored UFOs will drop and plan ahead for them, and if you miss what you need or make a mistake you can still think on the fly and re-route mid playthrough. It's also fun that you can specialize your routing and gameplay towards a specific goal, like stocking tons of bombs to skip difficult stage sections/spellcards, or optimzing for score, or stockpiling lives.

The overall difficulty of the stages and patterns is decently high in UFO (this game is often ranked 3rd hardest in the series), but it can be somewhat mitigated with good planning and resource management. And I personally find a lot of these stages and bosses a Blast to play! Helped again by, of course, having one of the best overall sountracks in the series…. imo at least. The UFO cast is also my personal favorite, AND they get some of ZUN's cutest sprites/artwork :)

The only other real criticism I have is that it shares it's Continue system with MoF and SA. Thank god this is the last game that forces you backwards for continuing ;;;;

While the UFO system has it's downsides, UFO is just a really fantastic entry into the series and a personal favorite of mine. We'll see how I feel once I start tackling the higher difficulties seriously though…… lol.

[TOUHOU 12.5: DOUBLE SPOILER]

Basically the sequel to Shoot the Bullet. There is very little difference, just a new set of characters and cards to face. I personally find this one a LOT harder than StB, and I don't enjoy it quite as much, but it's still a solid game I recommend it to anyone who enjoyed StB.

(EDIT TO ADD: Sometime after I wrote this part, I found an old blog entry from when I was 13, and apparently ZUN explicitly stated DS was meant to be much harder than StB. So, there ya go?)

[TOUHOU 13: TEN DESIRES]

The key phrase for this game overall, imo, is RESOURCE STRANGLEHOLD.

TD is far and beyond the most punishing game in the series, both in terms of resources and the Spirit Gauge/Trance mechanic. The requirement for the amount of pink spirits you need in order to earn an extra Life is brutal right from the start, at 8, and every time you earn a new life this requirement goes up. This doesn't reset when you die, or even when you CONTINUE. That would be brutal enough, but even with OPTIMAL PERFORMANCE, literally no mistakes and perfect utilization of Trance, you earn less lives in this game than in any other. Speaking of pulling of a perfect performance, good fucking luck, because the spirits you need to gather stay right where you killed the enemy, disappearing Quickly, so you have to either have your Trance meter full and ready, or you need to risk your precious few lives to dash up to the top of the screen, in the middle of an absolute clusterfuck of bullets, just for a FRACTION of an extra life.

And of course, there's the real kicker; getting hit causes your entire Trance meter to be used up, and it takes a quite a bit to refill it, especially because again, spirits Do Not Fall the way items do, you have to seriously risk your life for them.

Basically, TD is a very, VERY routing-heavy game, and if you make even ONE mistake it can cause your entire playthrough to unravel. It's super frustrating. There are only 2 saving graces here….. 1) you at least get to keep any extra bombs you had in stock after you die, and 2) TD has some of the easiest boss fights in Touhou. I actually find the spellcards super fun, so by sort of-kind of routing the stages and doing well against the bosses, I was able to find some joy in TD. But that is obviously in spite of the mechanics, not because of them ;;

I will say, though, that it's interesting to have a game designed to make you "boss graze", ie stay dangerously close to the boss and move around them to catch spirits. Interesting concept and it helps train you on a high-level skill.

TD was my least favorite Touhou game for a long, long time. I've softened on it a bit, fun bullet patterns are fun no matter what, but goddamn. This one's ROUGH. And sadly, the OST is pretty middling for me, though it DOES have a few standouts (Desire Drive, Youkai Shrine Back Road, Small Desire's Starry Night Sky)!!

[TOUHOU 14: DOUBLE DEALING CHARACTER]

Ah. DDC. My nemesis.

I actually don't mind this game's special mechanic; using the point of collection line to earn life and bomb pieces. I actually think it's fun and rewarding, though that could just be because I already go to the PoC line as much as possible anyways lol. No, my problem is not with the mechanic, or the life and bomb pieces. This game commits the most fatal of all sins in bullet hell; the bullet patterns are Not Fun.

So many of the patterns in the this game have 'gimmicky' movements, sometimes bordering on Random, and this is often used in combination with one of my greatest weaknesses, bullets coming at you from both above and below, at the same time. This makes them an absolute nightmare to read. There's also a ton of a bullets that are either oddly shaped with confusing hitboxes, or made huge which also makes their hitboxes confusing. And unfortunately, the stages and bosses that don't suffer from this generally have pretty bland forgettable patterns. I can't think of a single attack in DDC I would describe as "fun", and that's unheard of in the rest of the series.

Worse yet, the shot-types themselves……. half of them are 'gimmicky', kind of like SA shot-types were, but the SA shot-types had special extra mechanics that could be mastered and were rewarding to utilize, if uncomfortable to get used to. These shot-types are just plain Uncomfortable, or are underwhleming ;; MarisaB has a bomb that makes it possible to milk life and bomb pieces like crazy and basically cheese the whole game, but that's not fun either :( I wanna be able to PLAY the game and enjoy it…… but I can't.

And the final nail in the coffin…… DDC also happens to have my least favorite soundtrack and, imo, a very bland and unmemorable cast. I feel so sad saying that because I think there's some unique youkai here, but MOST OF their designs don't stick out/are pretty plain, and they feel very disconnected from Gensokyo at large. Maybe if I saw them in print materials I'd feel different, but as it stands…… :/

I want to say some nice things though, so here's what I've got. Wakasagihime has a great design (it's just…. y'know, she's a Stage 1 boss, so there's not much of her. Super sad considering I desperately wanted a mermaid Youkai). Raiko also has a cool design, AND she has the best theme in the game. Uhh…… the PoC line mechanic giving you an extra life piece instead of a bomb if you collect enough point items is a good feature that rewards smart planning and risk management. The Stage 2 boss has lasers you can avoid by staying completely still which is hilarious.

I…. think that's it. Let me say for the record, I'm open to changing my mind!! I softened on TD as I got better, found things I could enjoy in it despite my issues, so that could happen someday with DDC. It's just right now, nearly everything about DDC bounces me right off it, so it's the only Touhou I genuinely don't enjoy playing,, Hopefully someday that will change……

[TOUHOU 15: LEGACY OF LUNATIC KINGDOM]

LoLK is a bit of an odd ball, for sure. While you can play it like a regular Touhou game (using "Legacy" mode), the main mode of LoLK is "PointDevice", which plays very differently. It's focused on "perfection", and very precise movement and dodging, making you retry to same sections and attacks over and over again til you do them right.

You also earn Life pieces (Legacy) and Bomb pieces (PointDevice) via grazing, which requires you to risk your life getting super close to the bullets. All that, in combination with very dense and overwhleming bullet patterns, makes LoLK the hardest Touhou game by a long shot. Especially in Legacy mode, where you can't just retry over and over.

I honestly don't care for PointDevice much, especially because if there's a section/attack you CANNOT pass no matter how hard you try, and you've already used all your bombs, you're kind of fucked and Have to restart the entire thing ;; But, I still find Legacy mode fun, and as someone who loves to graze when I can, being rewarded for it feels good, AND allows for some really creative and interesting patterns/routing. On the higher difficulties, there's way more bullets to milk for graze, too. On one hand it's a little frustrating that it's HARDER to earn resources on Easy and Normal, but on the other hand you can argue that the extra resources help balance the insane pattern difficulty of Hard and Lunatic.

I'm not good enough to beat LoLK on Normal yet (it's the last one left for me), but I still think it's a pretty solid game overall, and I like to replay certain stages (2, 3, 5, and 6) on Easy just for fun.

[TOUHOU 16: HIDDEN STAR IN FOUR SEASONS]

Wasn't a huge fan of this one at first, but I've warmed up to it! Mostly

While this is not the first game with bullet erasers, it is the first to feature them so prominently, aside from maybe PoFV. It comes in the form of the Release system, which basically allows you to massively power down your shot type in exchange for clearing bullets (how much you power down and how many bullets are erased/for how long depends on your sub weapon choice). I think the way it can be utilized both for survival and for scoring is pretty cool. It can also be really broken if you know exactly where to use them, adding another element to routing and memorization. But it can also be handy during my casual play…… if you remember it exists. lol. I admit that I struggle to use any C key function properly ;; But that's a personal issue

The shot types are definitely interesting in this game. Instead of the standard fare, you pick a character (who always has the same shot) and then pick a "sub weapon" based on one of the other character's shots (or you can pick your own to make it stronger). This results in there being a whopping SIXTEEN COMBINATIONS, each with slightly varying properties. Lord. While I think I prefer having a smaller pool of unique and optimized shot types, this is a neat concept, if a bit overwhelming if you're like me and want to clear EVERY combination ;; But still, it allows you to sort of customize to what you're most comfortable with, or what will help you the most (for example, the Cirno/Summer sub weapon gives you short releases you can use repeatedly, but the weapon itself sucks ass as a tradeoff. So pairing it with a faster/more powerful character balances things a bit!), which is pretty cool.

My major complaints about this game are the 2 difficulty spikes; the Stage 5 bosses, and Okina's final spellcard(s). The Stage 5 bosses use the dreaded "random and erratic" bullet behaviour I hated so much in DDC, though thankfully only for SOME attacks. They're still a big spike compared to the rest of the game, even compared to Okina's fight……. until the end. Okina's final cards are super cool in concept, stripping you of your sub weapon and forcing you to just Dodge Or Die…….. but in practice it is PAINFUL, especially since it's the last obstacle before victory. She even has a bomb shield………. wtf. Brutal. All 4 variants are bad, but the Summer version is by far the worst, in my opinion one of the hardest final spellcards in the entire series.

There's also the extra stage, which is mostly spent dodging stuff coming from behind you (my nightmare), but that's more of a skill issue on my part ;; Overall, while the cast is very disconnected and don't leave a strong impression, the music is pretty damn good, the stages are fun, and the mechanics are interesting, even if they're a bit shakey and abusable. Not a top favorite but I like HSiFS :)

[TOUHOU 17: WILY BEAST AND WEAKEST CREATURE]

This game has a similar special mechanic to UFO, but I think it's a little better implemented here.

There are no "shot types" as it were; your choices are whether to power up your unfocused attacks, your focused attacks, or your bombs. This kinda makes it hard to have a preference, as each attack is better at different points in the game, so it's really up to you what's more important. I kind of like this, even though I still prefer variety, it means I can use other characters more freely.

I also like this version of the 'collect stuff on screen' mechanic, there's more leeway for mistakes (you can still activate "Roaring/Hyper" mode without having a perfect collection of matching spirits) AND the benefits are better (it protects you from hits while active, just like the cherry borders in PCB!! and you get either a massive boost to damage or a bullet eraser)! Like with UFO though, there is risk with chasing the Spirits all over the field, and it can lead to some frustrating deaths and distractions. But that's just part of what you have to manage, I think it's a fun system overall :)

What is Not Fun is an issue that actually started back in TD, but I haven't mentioned it yet, because WBaWC has it the Absolute Worst; VISIBILITY ISSUES. Your own shot, ESPECIALLY in Roaring/Hyper mode, can become so dense and flashy that it is near impossible to read the bullet patterns. Or see the bullets At All. Which is, yknow, a problem in a bullet hell game. On top of that, the whole game is tinted red, and full of red bullets, which is sick as hell on paper, but in practice makes a huge portion of the game become slurry to the eyes. And the Enemy tracker, which had its text removed back in TD, is more a problem in this game than in any other because the color of the tracker matches the color of the window border, so you may as well not even have it.

There's also a major problem in the Stage 5 boss (and in one final boss spellcard), with the stupid statues that are summoned……. I already don't like these kinds of "familiars", they''re always a pain no matter what, but WBaWC takes it to another level, as they soak up so much damage that very few of the shot types can kill them before you get body slammed or completely overwhelmed.

WBaWC is really fun and cool and has some great music and designs, but it feels…… almost like ZUN didn't fully playtest it before release. An issue that is going to persist into the final entries………. but it's still enjoyable overall, at least.

[TOUHOU 18: UNCONNECTED MARKETEERS]

I have a lot of fondness for it, but MAN is this game unbalanced lol

There's the obvious, which is the card system. I think the card system is a cool idea and can be fun to play around with, it's exciting when you get exactly the card you wanted, but there are certain cards/combinations that can kind of break the game, and it can be BRUTAL if you get nothing but trash cards on your run, and there are a Lot of 'trash cards'. And once you figure out your favorite card combo it's likely you'll never mess with anything else. Not strictly a bad thing, just a thing.

But then there's the real kicker…… Marisa. People are 100% right when they say this game is "anti-Marisa". I've tried not to mention the shot types I dislike (like most Youmu and Sakuyas), because that's a very personal/skill based issue, but here, the way this game is designed feels actively Hostile towards Marisa. It's hard to describe, but both bosses and stages are set up to have you fly all over the screen, or move off the sides a lot, and her range is EXTREMELY narrow………. AND both the shots and her bombs have been massively nerfed??? She's no longer the most powerful character, so there isn't even a trade off for picking the harder option. Seriously why the hell did ZUN nerf her AND make almost the entire game hostile to straight-forward shots?????

Well, whatever the reason, it makes her PAINFUL to play as. But, if you play as one of the fun shot types……. this game is pretty fun!! The first half a Little plain with it's boss patterns but the second half is a blast!!! If MAYBE a bit unfair (Megumu…….) ;; And the OST is fantastic all the way through. Plus, I just love the characters that were introduced, especially the 'masterminds', Megumu, Tsukasa, and Chimata. Very fun additions to the world of Gensokyo, I really hope we get to learn more about Megumu as the Crow Tengu chief.

If you're looking consistent play, look elsewhere, but for a fun time with light luck based elements this is a great game (if you don't play Marisa. Or Sakuya. lol)

[TOUHOU 18.5: 100TH BLACK MARKET]

Now this is an unique one! You go through stages that are split into semi-randomized sections, and along the way you gather money to buy cards. Bullet money buys cards during a run, and regular money lets you buy cards out of a shop so you can equip them from the start. So it's like….. a rouge-like shooter? Kinda?

I personally had fun with this. It's a little simple, and it can get repetitive, but it was nice because if I didn't have much time but wanted to mess around with bullet hell, I could boot this up and play a couple rounds to gather money for cards!!

Once you buy all the cards and earn all the achievements there's no reason to ever come back, which is sad, but idk, I had a good time milking bullets for money and slowly filling my collections. It shares some of the randomness issues with UM and is a little half-baked but I would still recommend giving it a shot, especially because it gives Marisa her time to shine after getting shafted in UM!

[TOUHOU 19: UNFINISHED DREAM OF ALL LIVING GHOSTS]

The final one so far!! I'll be honest, I've beaten it 21 times now I STILL don't understand how most of the mechanics work. Things just Happen and I either dodge or die. But what I can speak on is the downright bizarre balancing issues and the plethora of missing features.

The difficulty and balancing is wack. The vast majority of the characters feel underpowered already, and to top that off, only a small number of characters have bullet-clearing abilities, which is an absolutely MASSIVE advantage in this game, meaning that some characters are just objectively better than others. The story routes each character takes can also vary wildly in difficulty, making some paths a breeze and others nearly impossible even for the best players in the world.

But the most concerning thing for me is the missing features. No score? No "clear" achievement or signifier for different difficulty levels?? NO REPLAYS????? I can deal with the lack of score since I'm not a score player (yet), but having no indication or reward for 1ccing, and having no way to save or share your run without recording every single play session………. god. Idk, maybe it's silly, but that stuff is VERY important to me :( I'm still so sad about it, and it makes anything you achieve in the game feel….. hallow.

That being said, it's not all bad!! I love the new characters and their designs, there's some really interesting experimentation going on in the OST, I think the 'shield' mechanic adds a fun layer to gameplay (trying to make sure you're ready to restore the shield if it breaks while also trying to send over attacks and dodge)…… and I mean, dodging bullets is dodging bullets, so it's gonna be fun at least some of the time!!

Honestly, I just wish ZUN has balanced it more carefully, gave other characters more power or bullet-erasers, had more people play test it………. and of course, I wish it had replays and a way to track 1cc's :(((

And that's it! If you read any of that, thank you, I know it was long ;;;;; But I had fun, I'm glad I got to talk a lot about my favorite game series :^)

#ask #varjojentuomio #remi plays touhou #idk if i wanna put this absolute behemoth in the actual touhou tag LOL #also if theres any weird grammar/spelling....... IM SORRY I TRIED MY BEST

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