#I’m nothing short of a comedian

[james-sunshine-potter]

James F. Potter expect F stands for fucking instead of Fleamont.

[murdrdocs]

plsss do fem!reader getting a call from ethan!ghostface 😩 could be smutty or maybe 16+!! also ur writing is so good wtf

ahhh thank you so so much i'm glad u enjoy it! i rlly liked this request :)) this is SUGGESTIVE 16+ but not smut

Sometimes, truly, if you sit in silence for long enough, you start to consider that maybe you aren’t the best person, morals wise. 

You have your good qualities: helping old ladies cross the street, dog sitting for your friends, helping out sick relatives, doing good deeds without having to be told so. 

But the one bad trait, the one you were currently indulging in, seemed to outweigh everything that was good about you. 

Allowing some sick joke between you and your boyfriend to continue. 

As soon as Ethan switched from his usual, saccharine sweet voice, to the raspy, demanding tone of Ghostface, you should’ve told him to knock it off. Seriously. Not with that light, airy tone in your voice that showed how easily persuaded you are. 

But you couldn’t help but let him convince you to continue. Plus, you could’ve pretended that you hated it. Instead…

“Isn’t your line supposed to be: ‘What’s your favorite scary movie’?” 

Ethan, or Ghostface, chuckled. 

“See, you know the rules, sweetheart. Now, what’s your favorite scary movie?” 

You took a second to think, fiddling with the half completed puzzle that you and your roommates have been working on at the coffee table for two weeks now. 

“Probably Get Out. Does that count?” 

“Is that the one by that comedian, Jordan Peele?” 

“Yeah. It’s not really that scary, which is why I like it, but the plot and storyline is horrifying enough.” 

Ghostface hums and you decide to take a leap. 

“My boyfriend likes those traditionally scary movies, with the jumpscares and excessive gore.” 

He takes the bait. “Boyfriend? You didn’t tell me you had a boyfriend.” 

“You didn’t ask.”

You take a seat on the couch, your eyes glancing over the window. Briefly, you considered drawing the curtains, but then Ghostface continued to speak. 

“Hm, maybe I should’ve. Does he treat a pretty girl like you right?” 

“Yeah, yeah, he does.” A beat. “How do you know I’m pretty?” 

“Because I’m looking at you, sweetheart.” 

Your breath hitched. You should have known as much, but just considering the possibility is one thing, having it confirmed is another. 

Attempting to play it cool, you stand to your feet and approach the window. “Really? Because I’m calling bullshit.” 

You pressed your face to the glass and used the hand that didn’t hold your phone to your ear to shield your view from the light inside of your apartment. You scanned the streets below, the windows across from yours, and anything else your eyes could reach, but you couldn’t see anything. It was late, there wasn’t much activity in your complex, and the streetlight that previously illuminated your section of the complex was still out. 

Ghostface chuckled condescendingly. “There’s no point in looking. You won’t find me.” 

Stepping away from the window, you surveyed the apartment. Nothing there, save for the organized mess left by yourself and your roommates. 

“But you can trust my word. I see how delicious you look in that little number. That tight shirt, those tiny shorts. Looking like a whore, begging to be fucked,” he spat the last bit as if the words were venomous. "maybe gutted," he toyed with the idea, “your boyfriend know you walk around like that?” 

Your eyes met the cameras in your apartment, the ones that your roommates decided were needed in this big city. You’d never been more thankful to have them. 

“He does,” you took a seat on the couch again, propping your feet up onto the coffee table and positioning yourself to where you could be seen by the camera. Your legs crossed, and you ran a hand along your thigh. “And he loves it. If he could see me right now I bet he would be cumming in his pants.” 

There was a hitch in his voice, barely noticeable, but there. 

You took his hesitation to spread your legs and trail a hand down to the waistband of your shorts. Your eyes flitted up to the camera, you smiled softly, lifted your hand in a wave, then stuck it into your shorts. 

“You said you’re watching me, right, Ghostface?”

[ham1lton]

my favourite interviewer.

pairings: lando norris x fellow driver’s sister/reader

warnings: jokes about adoption. mentions of bigotry but in reference to o/s’s experiences.

summary: the one where you interview your sister and your boyfriend. also part of the nepo!sister universe.

author’s note: i love nepo!sis/y/n. expect to see her more. also these interviews are quite short so imagine they’re longer and these are snippets. y/n is a better interviewer than i made her out to be 😔💔

liked by vogue, yourusername and 1,827,668 others.

oldersister: check out my photoshoot for vogue! and my following interview with my younger sister yourusername. it was definitely… interesting. link in bio <3.

user1: my favourite sisters made another appearance again!!

yourusername: DON’T! work with o/s! such a DIVA! rude as hell…..

-> oldersister: is this because i said pink wasn’t your colour?

-> yourusername: ALL COLOURS ARE MY COLOUR !! 😡

user2: y/n is so funny throughout this entire interview. a natural comedian.

user5: o/s saying that people don’t take her seriously as a driver is crazy!! she’s a two time champion!! what more does she need to do?

-> user6: it’s nothing that she needs to do. there really isn’t anything she can do to change their minds. it’s bigotry.

user3: o/s is so pretty. full time f1 driver and part-time model.

-> user4: one thing about her, lewis and zhou is that they’re all gonna serve looks and face. holy trinity.

liked by yourusername, gq and 1,223,378 others.

landonorris: thank u gq for letting me cover ur magazine and thank u to my gorgeous interviewer for taking the time out of her day to interview me. btw… are you single 😍

user5: this was so cute!! i love their dynamic.

yourusername: no i’m not single. i have a bf. be professional please.

-> landonorris: ain’t nobody care about him queen. i bet you i could beat his ass 😍

-> user1: i wish i had this confidence.

-> landonorris: leave me alone 😭😭🖕🏼

-> user2: poor lando. getting dragged by his fans, his girlfriend, his girlfriend’s fans and his girlfriend’s sister’s fans😭😭 rip bro 💔😔

-> yourusername: he’s fine y’all. please don’t call paw patrol.

user3: lando saying y/n was his favourite person regardless of what she does 🥺🥺

-> user4: when he cussed out y/n for calling herself boring 😭 he said that’s my gf don’t be disrespectful.

user7: y/n finessing a free lunch and dinner out of her boyfriend and her sister was my favourite part. yass queen 😍 take from the rich.

*liked by yourusername*

————————————————————————

MY NIGHT WITH O/S L/N.

by y/n l/n.

It’s the end of O/S’s Vogue’s shoot. She’s dressed in a black form-fitting silk suit with a pair of pale pink heels. I always knew that my sister was famous but seeing her in the middle of such magnitude truly reinforces that she is not just my older sister anymore. She’s bigger than that. We decide to duck behind the busy shoot into a side room to start our interview.

THURSDAY, PARIS, 11:34PM.

Y/N: Did you expect that I’d be the one interviewing you?

O/S L/N: Honestly? No! I’m happy though to see a familiar face. Pleasant surprise.

Y/N: I’m not gonna hold back on the questions though just because you’re my sister. I need you to know that.

O/S: Wouldn’t expect you to.

Y/N: Just for the record, she’s wearing my lipstick. I told her she’d look cute in it and she refused to listen to me.

O/S: I didn’t expect it to look so cute on me. I don’t wear super bright lipsticks, it’s a orangey-red shade for the people who can’t see it. I got the makeup team to source it for me and tried it on and perhaps… you were right. It’s grown on me.

Y/N: I’m always right.

O/S: Always is an understatement but … you have your moments.

Y/N: So, what would you say it’s like being the only female F1 driver?

O/S: A very unique position to be in. I’m lucky to have such a good support system in place. Y’know? Mom, Dad, my team and you.

Y/N: It’s a lot of pressure isn’t it?

O/S: Yes. As any high profile job is.

Y/N: How do you find the pressure when it comes to being a role model for younger girls?

O/S: It’s a responsibility I take very seriously. I think it’s so important to encourage young children, especially girls, to follow their dreams and help to provide avenues to make them accessible. I would love to see younger generations of drivers that come from a diverse array of backgrounds be in Formula One.

Y/N: Remember when you were younger and you’d go go-karting?

O/S: Yes.

Y/N: Dad would always make me come and watch you. It was so boring but he’d always get us ice cream afterwards if you’d won. That’s why I always rooted for you.

O/S: Says it all really.

Y/N: I was always a tennis fan. Maybe a little basketball or football. Dad used to joke that maybe you were the adopted one because no one else in the family knew about motorsports before you.

O/S: He still does! I found out about F1 at my school library at the age of like nine and begged Dad to take me. I’m very lucky that not only did we have the funds at the time but parents that supported us. He used to drive me everywhere. He still does drive me to the Grand Prix sometimes.

Y/N: Funny how little traditions stick with us, huh? Remember when you started making real money and would take us out for dinner after every win?

O/S: I was so excited that I had the money to treat you all.

Y/N: Definitely. What was the biggest challenge you’ve faced so far in your career?

O/S: It’ll sound trivial but… probably being taken seriously.

Y/N: What do you mean by that?

O/S: As a lot of women in male-dominated spaces might face, it’s hard to overcome the biases against my abilities. People said for a long time that I was only here because of diversity quotas.

Y/N: Even when you won?

O/S: Especially when I won. I like to prove people wrong. I’ve spent my whole career doing just that. I just wish it wasn’t so constant and tiring. I’m just doing my job but because of my womanhood and my blackness, it is immediately viewed as political. Overcoming the preconceptions has become a huge part of my journey.

Y/N: That’s annoying as fuck. I’ve seen it first hand too. You’re an incredible driver. I know I joke around with you and take the piss out of you but genuinely you do inspire me. I might not be racing cars anytime soon but I’ll always be your biggest fan.

O/S: Thanks Y/N. That means so much to me.

Y/N: Now onto the juicier stories. Who are you dating? For the readers who mightn’t know your personal life, I’ll spell it oit for them.

O/S: Oh No…

Y/N: You started off by dating your childhood sweetheart, Clark Jones, and then dated actor Paul Elordi.

O/S: I did. I am single now, as you’re aware.

Y/N: And she won’t let me set her up with anyone!

O/S: Just because you’re happy in monogamous bliss doesn’t mean the rest of us wanna be.

Y/N: Thanks for letting me interview you today O/S, it was definitely the best part of my day.

O/S: You were very good. I enjoyed the questions. Five stars.

Y/N: Wanna go out to eat? Your treat.

O/S: Of course, let me change into something more comfortable. These heels are gorgeous but they are killing me.

END OF INTERVIEW.

————————————————————————

MY MORNING WITH LANDO NORRIS.

by y/n l/n.

TUESDAY, LONDON, 10:34AM.

I was told to pretend to be professional and that I didn’t spend the night with my boyfriend so I left the room at around 7am just so that I could knock on the door again later in my interviewer mode. It’s the night after his photoshoot for an energy drink. Lando opens the door in a plain black tee, a hoodie wrapped around his waist and tracksuit bottoms. He isn’t wearing shoes. He lets me in and I sit on the sofa. We start the interview.

Y/N: Good Morning. Should we start the interview?

LANDO NORRIS: I’m ready whenever you are.

Y/N: I told O/S this but just because we know each other, don’t expect me to hold back on the questions. Don’t expect any special treatment just because I am your girlfriend.

LANDO: Wouldn’t dream of it.

Y/N: Alright, let’s get started. How did you feel about yesterday’s photoshoot?

LANDO: Tried something new and I think it turned out well. Got some cool shots. The energy was great and the team was incredible. It was a fun shoot. Couldn’t complain.

Y/N: Do you think you’re a better racer or model?

LANDO: I’d like to say model but I’d have to say racer.

Y/N: I think you could be a model.

LANDO: Even though you’re biased. I’ll accept that.

Y/N: Not biased at all actually. I’m here as Interviewer Y/N, not as your girlfriend Y/N.

LANDO: Wait. Can I flirt with Interviewer Y/N?

Y/N: No.

LANDO: Boooo!

Y/N: Let’s switch gears, what do you like to do when you’re unwinding?

LANDO: Well, Usually I’d say spending time with you but you’re not my girlfriend soo… I’m going to say streaming with my friends and playing video games. Also watching my girlfriend’s favourite reality shows.

Y/N: You’re a Teen Mom UK fan? And a Real Housewives fan? I thought you didn’t to like them.

LANDO: It’s part of the boyfriend playbook. Pretend you’re bored with those sorts of shows but secretly, you’re incredibly into it. I have to keep up with your interests somehow and I picked the most interesting ones.

Y/N: I don’t blame you. Alright, one more question before I go back to being boring girlfriend Y/N and I have to give back this super cool voice recorder.

LANDO: Girlfriend Y/N isn’t boring to me. She’s actually my favourite person. Don’t talk shit about my girl.

Y/N: Fine. She’s not boring. She’s just less of a technophile.

LANDO: I’ll accept that.

Y/N: My last question is what’s your favourite thing about driving for Formula One?

LANDO: Besides the thrill of racing? And the part where I’m living my childhood dream? Definitely the fans. Their support and energy help fuel me on the track. Plus, I get to travel the world while doing what I love. I think that’s the ideal world for a lot of people. I’m very lucky.

Y/N: I couldn’t agree more. Thank you for letting me ask you those questions. Now, time for me to go back to the girlfriend version of me.

LANDO: Don’t sell yourself short. You’re always my favourite person regardless of what version you are.

Y/N: Flattery will get you everywhere, won’t it?

LANDO: Hey! It’s not flattery if it’s the truth.

Y/N: Guess you’re not just a pretty face huh. Don’t worry, I’ll keep our reality television show marathons a secret between me, you and all the millions of GQ magazine readers.

LANDO: You’re an angel. Lunch?

Y/N: Only if you’re paying.

LANDO: Always.

END OF INTERVIEW.

————————————————————————

[satcrvz]

hai... twirls hair... can i get some kenma w an s/o who's the opposite of him pls and ty 🤲

UNTITLED (sorry)

pairing : kenma x reader!

synopsis : kenma w a reader opposite him :p

cw : nothing besides the fact i never proofread

this is a little short but it gave me something to do thank you :3 ALSO I HOPE THIS IS OKAY..

nearly cried bc i’ve lost my 2021 ability to do hc format

kenma wasn’t huge on attention. he was much more fond of sitting in his own comfort. so when you slid into the empty classroom he’d been in, he was confused to say the least. during this hour you’d normally be found in your friend group.

"kenma!" you said as you made your way to sit on top of his desk. you swung your legs and admired his eyes and the way his hair slowly fades from one color to the other.

he looked up from his phone to look at you, "what are you doing here?" he asked.

"hey!" you exclaimed. "you could at least pretend to be excited to see me."

his eyes widened at your words, it didn’t come off bad, did it? "that’s not.. no.. i meant—" he stops trying to explain himself when he hears the little snickers coming from you.

"i’m just joking! i wanted to see you, it’s loud in the hall." you motion towards the door with your finger.

a grin makes its way across his face, "funny, you’re normally the one making all the noise."

"since when were you a comedian?" you roll your eyes at him. silence falls over the two of you and the audio of the hallway dies down.

you pause before asking him if he wants to ditch.

his eyebrows shot up in surprise, "i don’t know.. where would we even go?"

"c’mon, anywhere but here! baby please? just this once i swear!" you grab his hand and pull him to his feet. he sighs before grabbing his belongings and placing his phone in his pocket.

you both held hands on the way to the cafe that you decided on last minute. the walk there was peaceful with the two of you conversing and the soft blow of the wind.

"yn?" you glance up at him while chewing the donut that you’d just taken a bite out of. he reaches for your face and wipes a crumb off before saying, "thanks for bringing me here."

you ended up flashing him a smile. you were really glad he liked it. you had decided on the place because it was never too crowded.

"you’re welcome! i felt like we both needed a break." he nods at your words in agreement.

"also, did you know kuroo came to me yesterday whining that i took you away from him!"

"sounds like him." he laughs. "i’d rather be here with you than at school right now. let alone, practice."

"oooo don’t let him hear that babe."

his phone dings in his pocket and he reaches to grab it. "speak of the devil"

TO: KENMA

FROM: KUROO

dude where’s you go?

i feel like you’re shit talking me -_-

come here and help lev! yaku’s done with him lol

[esutonia]

a short tutorial on writing majima-speak

So ya wanna learn how to write Majima-speak, eh? Well, I gotta say, you’ve come to the right place. Or maybe the only place? Dunno how many tutorials’re out there fer this shit. Anyway, sit yer ass down and I’ll give ya the scoop on how to write yer favorite fun guy from Kansai.

DISCLAIMER: I am NOT a fluent Japanese speaker. These are all the opinions/observations of an American whose only exposure to the Japanese culture and language has been through anime and video games. I have done my best to research all of these observations before just shoving them into this document, but I probably will make mistakes. Any actual Japanese speakers, please correct me. This isn’t supposed to be an educational guide on the nuances of Kansai-ben. This is only a general tutorial on how to portray the Kansai dialect in English writing.

What is Kansai-ben?

Kansai-ben (or Kansai dialect) is a Japanese dialect primarily spoken in the Kansai region of Japan. Pretty straightforward. Our good friend Majima Goro speaks a version of Kansai-ben that I lovingly refer to as Majima-speak. This is because he doesn’t speak true Kansai dialect—it’s a wobbly mix of Kansai and Tokyo (“standard”) that incorporates elements of both. Ugaki Hidenari, Majima’s voice actor, is from Tokyo himself, and doesn’t speak Kansai-ben natively. However, Majima has a lot of quirky Kansai-isms in his speech that make him stand out from other characters.

Therefore, the focus on writing Majima’s dialogue doesn’t have to be accuracy. We aren’t shooting for a 1:1 translation of Kansai to English, because: 1) that doesn’t exist, and 2) he doesn’t speak perfect Kansai anyway. The point is, we’ve got flexibility.

What makes Majima-speak different from regular Japanese?

There are a lot of cultural and historical nuances that I won’t get into, but in modern Japan, the Kansai dialect is perceived as more comedic or casual than standard Japanese. This is reflected in Sega’s localization of Majima’s voice lines: his are rougher, more crass, and generally funnier than other characters’ lines. If you end up taking nothing else from this guide, at least think rough, crass, and funny when writing Majima. It’s a good place to start.

So how do I write Majima-speak?

There are three tips that I keep in mind while I’m writing dialogue for Majima:

Make sure his lines show more emotion than other characters’ lines.

Use shortcuts wherever possible.

Don’t be afraid to get silly with it.

Let’s elaborate on these tips, shall we?

Make sure Majima’s lines show more emotion than other characters’ lines.

I’d like to use Kiryu as an example here, because he’s by far one of the stiffest-speaking characters in the series. For lack of a better term, Kiryu’s lines are prosaic—they sound more like they were written in a book than spoken by a person. Here’s an excerpt from Kiryu and Majima’s first scene together in Yakuza 2, edited for brevity. Pretend you don’t know what this scene looks like and focus on just the text.

Kiryu: It’s Kiryu. Anybody home? I know you’re here…Show yourself. Majima: It’s been too long…Kiryu-chan! You got any idea how lonely I’ve been since ya got outta the game last year? Oh, but I knew my Kiryu-chan would come home sooner or later! Kiryu: It’s been awhile, Majima-no-niisan. Majima: So, what brings ya here? Kiryu: The Tojo Clan…needs you. Majima: For fuck’s sake…What’s this BS now?! You’re a shitty comedian, Kiryu-chan. Kiryu: I’m serious. The Tojo Clan has never needed you more than now. Please.  Majima: No fuckin’ way. Kiryu: Please. Majima: You’re killin’ me, Kiryu-chan! I can’t stand seein’ ya like this! Kiryu: Please, Majima-no-niisan…the Tojo Clan is as good as dead without the Majima Family. Please!

Notice how Majima’s lines are much longer than Kiryu’s and noticeably sound like an actual person said them because they’re more casual. Kiryu basically repeats “please” three times, but each time Majima’s response is different. You’re able to tell that Majima’s incredulous, then annoyed, then upset at Kiryu’s request by the way he adds extra dialogue every time he says “no.” By contrast, you’re not really able to tell how desperate Kiryu is until he starts begging. The main disadvantage with writing is that you’re not able to convey images as clearly through text, so it requires more work to make a character’s emotions show through their dialogue. Majima’s lines are all about emotion, whether it’s real or exaggerated, so make sure the reader is able to tell how he’s feeling without seeing his face.

Use shortcuts whenever possible.

While conveying a character’s emotions through their speech often requires writing longer lines, this does not mean you should waste space or over-explain. The way you can balance this need for emotion with the need for casual dialogue is by using slang and condensing phrases.

English-speakers do this all the time in common conversation. We use contractions (I am = I’m), smash together words (What are you doing? = What’cha doin’?”), and add slang/idioms (“The hour grows late; I shall soon retire” = “It’s getting late, I’m gonna hit the hay”). The key to writing Majima-speak is to use every shortcut possible and then some.

If it’s hard to come up with dialogue on the spot, try thinking about how a guy like Kiryu would say a particular line. Let’s use the example of: “You always were the one guy I couldn’t read.” Then, think about what shortcuts you could potentially make to this sentence. It’s not much, but this sentence could be cut down to: “Y’always were the one guy I couldn’t read.” Doesn’t that already sound more like Majima said it?

Then, add some more emotion to this sentence: “Y’always were the one fucker I could never getta read on.” It sounds affectionate or aggressive, depending on how you spin it. And there you go! We just Majima-modified (Majimodified?) a Kiryu line. With the power of slang and shortcuts, you too can turn regular dialogue into Majima classics.

Don’t be afraid to get silly with it.

Majima’s a silly guy, so of course he’s gonna have his silly moments. The RGG localization team knows this and takes creative liberties to give Majima’s dialogue more life. My favorite example of silliness in translating Majima’s lines to English is this specific line from Yakuza 2:

Majima says: “Doya, Kiryu-chan? Kakko ee yaro?” Which literally translates to something like: “How’s that, Kiryu-chan? I look cool, right?” This line is dripping with Kansai-ben.

But the localization team chose to translate it as “Whaddya think, Kiryu-chan? Ain’t I red-hot?” Which I love. It conveys so much more about Majima’s character in the same amount of words and even adds some more context from the scene itself. They make a pun on “red-hot,” and while “cool” would’ve worked too, this would have made less sense. The point is, don’t be afraid to get wild with it. If it sounds cooler, is probably is. 

Finally, here’s a few miscellaneous quirks of Majima-speak and pointers that can help you get that much closer to imitating Majima’s style of speech.

Majima rarely uses “you” pronouns, instead preferring to use nicknames and titles like Kiryu-chan, nee-chan, oyaji, etc. This can be substituted for girlie, kiddo, buddy, idiot, etc. 

Don’t replace all the “you”s and “your"s in a sentence with “ya”s and “yer”s. It gets difficult to read if you abuse them.

Majima loves to swear. But again, don’t use them too liberally or you’ll sound like a 12-year-old who just learned what “fuck” means.

Goromi’s speech is a bit more cutesy than Goro’s, but she flips between masculine and feminine pronouns. For the purposes of writing Goromi that’s not terribly important, but keep in mind that she’ll frequently switch between masculine and feminine speaking patterns.

Don’t try to imitate Southern American English (if you aren't familiar with that dialect). I also wouldn't try it in general, but if it helps, it helps.

Edited to add: it's ultimately up to you to decide when/if Majima drops his accent. Personally I reserve it for when he's so emotionally vulnerable he can't keep it up, or when he's being so serious about something he just won't use it.

As a bonus, here is a brief glossary of Kansai-isms that I’ve noticed Majima using, with some examples of their use in context and some suggested translations. Most of these examples are pulled from Yakuza Kiwami 1 and 2, since that’s when he has the most speaking lines and has fully settled into his Mad Dog persona.

Ahō (idiot) = dumbass, bonehead

“Nishida, ya dumbass!”

Beppin (pretty) = stunner, knockout

“Well ain’t ya a rare dish?”

Honma (really) = damn, for real

“For real?! Who are you and what have you done with Kiryu-chan?”

-han (-san)

“Well, now it’s your turn, Legendary Info Dealer-han.”

Akan (not good/must) = gotta be, better not

“That’s why he’s gotta be strong.”

Uchi* (I) = ol’ Goromi, li’l ol’ me

“Just don’t fall too hard for me, okay?”

Ee (good/cool) = badass

“Ain’t I red-hot?”

Ikude (let’s go) = let’s do this shit

“Let’s do this, Kiryu-chan!”

Suman (sorry) = my bad

“This is my bad, Kiryu-chan.”

Anta (you, polite) = ya

“Y’know, up close…you’re pretty damn hot.”

Haw (not really a Kansai-ism but he does like it a lot)

“Haw?”

Nanyatte (what) = what the fuck

“Say what?”

Chau (wrong) = bullshit

“That ain’t what I’m saying.”

Dondon (also not Kansai-ben but he likes this one too. Basically “loud noise”) = clobber, beat the shit outta ya, crack some skulls

“It’s way better if ya fight it out.”

*Uchi is a stereotypical feminine pronoun used in Kansai-ben. Only Goromi uses this one. She also tends to waffle between watashi/ore pronouns.

[lambergeier]

2023 bookpost 🥳🥳🥳

43 books read this year! about 2/3rds of last year's number, but i fell off pace in summer and for the last two months and never actually have a target or care about my pace anyways, so 43 is a good solid number imho. as last year, full list with light commentary below, recs are bolded:

JANUARY

Neuromancer by William Gibson

The Browns of California: The Family Dynasty that Transformed a State and Shaped a Nation by Miriam Pawel (i am punished for my desire to learn more about the two governors brown's effects on the state of california with: family hagiography. should have known tbh)

Between Two Fires by Christopher Buehlman (SOOOOOO GOOD. apocalyptic/religious horror in 1350's france during the black plauge. for fans of the terror, and fans of people who are in love but for whom the love won't alwayshelp!)

The Mirror and the Light by Hilary Mantel (hilary ilu u were one of the greatest novelists of the past hundred years it was an honor to be alive at the same time as you. this could have been 200 pages shorter. ilu tho)

Did Ye Hear Mammy Died? by Seamas O’Reilly (short, sweet childhood memoir of the irish writer/comedian who, famously, tweeted that story about meeting the president of ireland on ketamine.)

FEBRUARY

Either/Or by Elif Bautman (girls can i tell you. i didn't realize this was a sequel until like 100 pages into the book. that was on me.)

Two Doctors Gorski by Isaac Fellman (ah mr fellman. lol)

The Swimmers by Julie Otsuka (really cool piece of fiction, first half told from the collective viewpoint of a group of regulars at a public swimming pool, second half about the one specific swimmer who's losing her independence to dementia. short, packs a punch)

Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier (UNDEFEATED!)

One Man’s Terrorist: a Political History of the IRA by Peter Finn

Nightcrawlers by Leila Mottley (love to see local 22yos succeed wildly. does NOT mean this book was good god bless)

MARCH

The Memory Police by Yoko Ogawa

The Passenger by Cormac McCarthy

Stella Maris by Cormac McCarthy (to be clear, if you are not a cormac mccarthy fan, these books will not make you his fan. they are very much about this man's incredible hopelessness regarding a world that has invented and used the atomic bomb. what can be redeemed, etc etc. i loved them, despite a major part of the plot being consensual sibling incest, they were beautiful and phenomenal, they were not light reading)

APRIL

A Smile in his Lifetime by Joseph Hansen

Glory by NoViolet Bulawayo (cannot recommend the audiobook highly enough. emma read the paper copy to catch up to where i was in the audiobook so we could listen together on a car trip, and she agreesTM that the audiobook is the way to go)

MAY

Barbarian Days by William Finnegan

The Dark Lord of Derkholm by Dianna Wynne Jones

JUNE

We Don’t Know Ourselves by Fintan O’Toole (really really really cool nonfiction about ireland since the 1950s, part autobiography, more parts cultural history of a very quickly changing nation. fascinating to read this within 12 months of finn's one man's terrorist, which was a very leftist history of the IRA, and keefe's say nothing, which was an only very slightly leftist history of the IRA that was most interested in like, how compelling the history is (not a drag on it). o'toole not as big on the IRA as the other two! understandable!)

JULY

The Binding by Bridget Collins

The War That Killed Achilles by Caroline Alexander (for all fans of the history of the story of the illiad!!! short and passionate!)

Flux by Jinwoo Chong (solid new debut scifi - who thought it could still happen!)

I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jeanette McCurdy

The Witch King by Martha Wells (this book sucked ass!!! have mentioned this several times already this year!!!)

An Oral History of the New York Commune, 2052–2072 by Eman Abdelhadi and M. E. O'Brien (some things about this book were fun, many were infuriating, absolute worst had to be the insistence that in the future: therapy would solve even more problems that it does today :))

The Last Samurai by Helen DeWitt (see my beautiful wife's post on the subject)

Stay True by Hua Hsu (beautiful, deserves the pulitzer, not 100% my thing but still very good)

AUGUST

Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver (the voice was hard to get used to for the first 50 pages, but i ended up really liking this tbh. i've never read copperfield, so not sure if that improved the experience)

Crying in H Mart by Michelle Zauner

The Boys by Katie Hafner (a mistake to read this, but at least the twist was funny! there wasn't anything else in the book, but only a partial waste of time at the end)

Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin (finally read this, which has truly polarized my extended social circle, but i ended up liking it. i didn't always get what it was doing 100% of the time, and didn't so much feel compelled to find out, but i tore through it and will always be a sucker for a story about that doesn't fix you but does keep you alive. can see both sides of this debate)

American Overdose: The Opioid Tragedy in Three Acts by Chris McGreal (we have to kill every sackler. solid history of the epidemic. EVERY sackler.)

SEPTEMBER

The Season by Kristen Richardson (half-baked history of the debutante social ritual. but, not like there's many other histories of the subject!)

All the Horses of Iceland by Sarah Tolmie

Big Swiss by Jen Beagin (funny, contained extensive dirtbag lesbian behaviors, but lacked some heft at the end)

In Memoriam by Alice Winn (do you s2b2? do you want some solid, tome-like origfic? do you want all of those things and also siegfried sassoon rpf? well great news!)

Now We Shall Be Entirely Free by Andrew Miller (pleaseeeeeee tell me if you have read this or do read this it was SOOOOOO GOOD and i had NEVER heard of this guy before!!! fantastically written prose, everything builds with infinite dread to a single horrible punchline, i am still wowed thinking about it)

The Trees by Percival Everett (haha hey wanna get fucked up. dark dark dark comedy)

OCTOBER

Flowers from the Storm by Laura Kinsale (really enjoyable if slightly overlong romance novel that i got off a rec list for historical romances with disabled love interests. does a really good interesting job of giving the love interest full breadth and agency despite severe processing impairment following a stroke)

Mobility by Linda Kiesling

The Rachel Incident by Rachel O’Donahughe

NOVEMBER

NO BOOK NOVEMBER MFS

DECEMBER

Not Even the Dead by Juan Gómez Bárcena (would also like to know if anyone else has read this so we can try and figure out what the fuck was going on right at the end!! also the fact that this is primarily about mexican history, written by a spaniard, with the specter of the US very prominent in the book is like. hm i would love to be able to read some mexican press reviews of this lol)

When Crack Was King: A People's History of a Misunderstood Era by Donovan X. Ramsey (picked this up following the opioid book, which discussed but didn't go deep on how the country's reaction to the opioid epidemic was so vastly different from the crack epidemic. put a lot of stuff into context lmao.)

WAIT AT SOME POINT THIS YEAR I REREAD RUMO AND HIS MIRACULOUS ADVENTURES BY WALTER MOERS. I DON'T KNOW WHEN. DIDN'T WRITE IT DOWN. BUT I DID REREAD IT. 44 BOOKS. shout out to mr. moers for writing some extremely fucking creepy books for teenagers <3

okay i was gonna do more about like general trends and vibes of this year's books, also about the four books i am still reading rn lol, but i have been typing for soooooooooooo long so i'm just gonna reblog with more thots in the morning. stay prepared everyone

[simslegacy5083]

NSB (Straud Legacy) Gen 9 Ep 85: Fatherhood, Incoming

Now that Storm and Noemi had been introduced, they all headed over to the fairgrounds to pick their “team” for the evening.

Mischief was a big part of their curriculum as Computer Science majors at Foxbury, so Luigi and Noemi both felt that siding with the pranksters was a no-brainer. Since Storm had never been much of a comedian and Denton really didn’t care, the whole party grabbed dark tea.

The outing started out strong, with Noemi taking to Storm just like Luigi had hoped. It was often hard for her to make new friends, but Storm made it easy with his sincere interest in her studies and easygoing manner. He even turned out to be a pretty good prankster, which helped temporarily distract Noemi from the “little problem” weighing heavily on her mind.

Sadly, as the event began to fill up Storm’s celebrity started to ruin the mood for the sensitive sim.

He was quite used to being recognized in public and took it in stride, smiling politely when sims who had read about his exploits or seen highlight reels of him on the soccer field came up and gushed about how excited they were to meet him.  While he was happy to engage them in conversation Noemi wished they would just go away, her anxiety increasing by the minute as more and more sims inserted themselves into their bubble.

Usually quite good at mischief she began to fumble, her face turning beet red after she tried to spoil a movie Storm had just mentioned seeing.

Luigi, no stranger to Noemi’s social awkwardness, quickly caught on to her distress.

She smiled gratefully as he told the others that they really needed to get home and do some homework to prepare for the next day of classes, before rising and thanking his grandfather one final time for the invite.

Back at the apartment a wave of nausea swept over Noemi as she waited for Luigi to join her in the living room. At that point she wasn’t sure if it was from the baby or the butterflies merrily flying around in her stomach at the knowledge that it was time to tell him about their child.

Noemi had been trying to find a gentle way to break the news to her boyfriend, but in the end, she just cut to the chase.

Pulling the pregnancy test out of her inventory she handed it to him along with the simple statement “we’re going to have a baby, Luigi”.

As her words sank in, Luigi stared at the two lines on the little stick and felt his stomach tie itself into a tight, uncomfortable knot.

Surely, she was joking… they’d been so careful! He knew he had to have a child someday, but he had WAY too much left to prove academically and professionally to even begin to think about fatherhood! He looked up at her, hoping to see that this was one final prank to end their night.

When instead she reached out with gentle concern reality came crashing in and the dinner he’d enjoyed a short time before curdled in his belly.

Choaking out “I think I’m going to be sick” Luigi made a mad dash for the restroom, retching over and over until there was nothing left inside him but an overwhelming feeling of fear and dismay.

Luigi’s unhappiness intensified when he returned to find Noemi curled into a tiny ball on the couch, tears in her eyes and a haunted look on her face.

Luigi mentally kicked himself. Once again, he’d only been thinking of his own feelings and made the woman he loved feel awful and alone. They’d talked about children, and he knew that while she didn’t feel as strongly against the idea as he did, she hadn’t been ready for parenthood yet either.

Determined to make it right Luigi quietly settled down beside Noemi, wrapping her in a tight embrace. After they’d both calmed down, Luigi scooted over slightly so they could face one another, apologizing for his reaction. Taking a deep breath, he prepared himself to face facts and start coming to terms with this new development.

I’m sure it got overshadowed by the whole pregnancy announcement thing 😄, but for context on Storm and still being recognized so many centuries later I see him as someone like Babe Ruth or Michael Jordan. He maxed the career, becoming an MVP. In my mind he was so good at the game that his fame transcended his era and typical sports fans to capture the imagination of a wider audience.

View The Full Story of My Not So Berry Challenge Here

[absolutebl]

Random ask game asks

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?

What's one thing that's stereotypical about you?

I have the remnants of a british accent + I drink tea. 

Play any instruments? 

Piano, badly 

A music artist everyone criticizes that you like: 

Last show you watched: 

Last movie you watched

Senior Love Me? 

Last song you listened to

The Arc - The Light 

Last book you read

Old Fashion Cupcake manga 

Your top five most listened to artists this month on Spotify

Stray Kids

BTOB

Young K & Day 6

Kang Daniel

TRENDZ

Ever drank alcohol?

Every Friday and it’s Be My Favorite’s Fault 

Every smoked anything?

Fish, mostly 

Do you prefer to eat-in or take-out?

Both 

If you could time travel what decade would you go to first

Am I invisible or do I look the way I do now? If #1 then the past, if #2 then the future. 

An actor everyone loves that you don't like for whatever reason

Speak any other languages?

4 none of them well, including my ostensible original 

Have any tattoos? Want any tattoos?

no

Have any piercings? Want any piercings?

yes

Do you prefer the hot or cold weather?

cold 

Cats or dogs? Or some other pet?

none but those owned by others tend to adopt me (the house has a cat and he think’s i’m his)  

Trendy over comfortable or comfortable over trendy?

trendy and comfortable, why choose? 

Say one thing bad about something you love

the singing is terrible and the acting is usually pretty crap too

Do you prefer to read digitally or from a physical book?

digital 

Do you put milk in your hot tea?

yes 

Do you know how to play any popular gambling games?

no

A character you relate to for whatever reason?

A quote (from anything) you really love

How many pairs of shoes do you have

maybe 10? 

Do you have trouble saying any words because of your accent/speech problems?

no, i’m good at words and public speaking 

Earbuds or headphones?

buds 

Showers or baths?

Early bird or night owl?

insomniac 

Candles or scented spray?

fresh flowers 

How often do you change your clothes?

as often as is necessary 

Chess or checkers?

all board games bore me 

Something you can do that you think is cool?

Perfume or body spray?

body oil 

What's something that genuinely scares you

other people’s unhinged obsession 

LED lights, the room light, or sunlight?

diffuse natural light 

What's something you do differently than everyone else?

peel and chop fruit 

If you have hair how often do you style it in some way?

spiky if i bother at all 

Nail polish, press on nails, or acrylic nails?

short and tidy but nothing else 

Do you have any fidget toys? If so what's your favorite?

 I learned to sit still or get whacked, and i’m fine with the outcome 

Do you drive?

yes 

Your go-to genre of music?

Are you a good multitasker?

no one is a good multitasker 

Silence or background noise?

kpop 

A famous movie/show that you've never seen

i don’t know i haven’t seen it 

Any sport you would like to play?

i don’t like sweating with other people around... 

actually, i don’t like sweating at all 

Can you write in cursive?

yes & calligraphy 

Is your handwriting neat or at least easy to read?

yes very 

Colored pencils, markers, or crayons?

black 

How many pillows do you sleep with?

2 

How many blankets do you sleep with?

3 (if the top sheet counts, ALWAYS top sheet) 

Do you ever plan to get married one day?

fuck no 

Do you ever plan to have kid(s) one day?

fuck no 

Do you subscribe to any religion?

fuck no 

Something in your room that you think is funny for whatever reason

the hotel room i am in right now has a teacup the size of my head painted with parrots and I have no idea why. 

Would you rather be an actor, singer, comedian, or would you do something on YouTube/twitch/some other site

i would rather gouge out my own eyeball than be a celebrity of any kind 

Are you scared of the dentist?

not at all, my dental hygiene is fucking amazing, they often get mad at me for wasting their time 

(before you ask: good genetics + fucking flossing = the answer, just floss while watching your favorite bl, it’s not goodamn rocket science, take care of your teeth you slackwits) 

Do you wear makeup?

sometimes 

If you could be any character of the opposite sex, who would you be?

i already am 

In the literal sense, are you an introvert or extrovert?

both 

What's something in your room that makes no sense without context

aside from that dumb teacup, i don’t know, i’m not in my room, i’m rarely in my room 

Favorite subject in school?

If you could visit any place in the world where would you go?

right now, i wanna get to taiwan before it isn’t anymore 

A show/movie thats been on your watchlist forever but you for some reason keep putting off

Is the name you use online your real name? (Real name does not mean deadname)

never 

Do you have a favorite sibling?

If you were to have a kid what names would you have in mind?

no fucking children, not mine, not anyone else’s, i am not interested, yours is NOT the cutest nor the smartest (trust me) and i don’t want to hear about them 

Do you think things like anniversaries are a big deal?

no

Mobile games or PC/console games?

no games 

Do you believe in things like ghosts?

no

Long sleeve + shorts or short sleeve + pants

depends on the weather and culture 

Can you do any voice impressions?

no 

What was the first fandom you were genuinely into

star trek 

Do you prefer womens or mens products?

depends on the smell, price, and effectiveness  

would you be fine having your partner completely provide for you?

never 

Plain clothes or vibrant and eye catching clothes?

neither, i’m usually just stylish and quirky 

Movie date or restaurant date?

food 

Do you split the check or expect only one of you to be paying it?

split or I’ll pay if my friend isn’t holding 

Favorite fast food place?

i’d rather not 

How do you make your coffee?

in italy 

Do you pay attention to the music or the lyrics more?

music 

Are you more energetic or tame?

energetic 

Are you witty?

only by accident  

A show everyone criticizes that you like

[reviewinghiccup]

RIDERS OF BERK | HTTYD SERIES | BREAKING DOWN HICCUP

Blog Post Series : Breaking Down Hiccup

Title : How to Pick Your Dragon

Ep/Season : Episode 7, Season 1 (Riders of Berk)

Premise :

In short, Stoic, needs a dragon. But he also needs a little convincing.

CANDID DISCUSSION

Parenting Parents

We’ve all been there haven’t we? A day when we needed to teach our parents something, occasionally in tandem to “upgrading” their lives? Yeah. This episode is nothing but relatable. I’m glad it exists because it is one of the few episode we see Hiccup connect w his father.

Stubbornness is inherited, and entrenched in Stoic’s constitution. Hiccup is equally stubborn, but the lesser of the two, which means - he’ll probably give in.

HTTYD is funny

What I find so funny about this episode, is that it is actually really funny. So much genuinely enjoyable dialogue. Executive produces and writers Linda and Mike Teverbaugh wrote for good old hits like The Drew Carey Show and Who’s the Boss? Their family orientated, heart felt messages and comedic gold runs through the veins of the work (as it use to w many good 90s sitcoms).

As a late 90s baby myself, the sense of humour this show carries is an homage to the funny I felt has kinda dwindled away in children adventure stories, like Jimmy Neutron, Fairy Odd Parents, Danny Phantom were.

Furthermore, Hiccup is a very funny person. The self-deprecating humour fits well w it’s nasal, slightly insecure, prone-to-shrugging personality which we know, the actor who voices him is somewhat known for. If you’ve ever watched an interview w Jay Baruchel, you will find that he is very Hiccup-like in person. Like, you know he’s a little awkward but he also seems fine w it, making it all the more endearing.

Baruchel plays the unsung hero / underdog card v well. You can never stop rooting for him. I notice that comedians work great as voice artists. Christopher Mintz-Plasse is another name worth mentioning. And in the movies, we have Kristen Wiig, Jonah Hill (who worked w Mintz-Plasse in Superbad), Craig Ferguson and TJ Miller (who worked w Baruchel on Shes Out of my League, noting though that he is a pretty controversial person now). And not forgetting America Ferrera herself is the Queen of comedy (Superstore anyone?)

SOME HONOURABLE MENTIONS OF HUMOUR IN THIS EPISODE :

Reference:

Toothless’s first ride w Stoic -

Toothless after a whole day of chiefing w Stoic -

Toothless hiding because well, see above -

ON THE EPISODE:

I like that it is one of the few episodes we get to see the father-son dynamic play out without the “duties as chief” rhetoric rattling through.

I love how Stoic is one of the first adults to ride a dragon and because of that the others as we know, will soon follow suit. If he can change, so can anyone else in the village (maybe, well, except for Mildew).

Also, it’s nice to have the shot where Hiccup & Stoic spend some father son time together riding dragons into the horizon.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

I was listening to some real people comedians (as in, local comedians whom I have met in real life, and can therefore not be considered to have in any way “made it” in comedy, because if they had then they would not be hanging out around me) talk the other day, and they were discussing the concept of “laughs per minute”, and whether it’s a bullshit way to judge comedy. Which I think it usually is, depending on the context. In a really short club set, it probably does matter a lot because you don’t have time to do more than that. In a Stewart Lee Edinburgh hour, he can go 35 minutes setting something up and everyone will just trust that the punchline at the end will be worth it.

Anyway, it got me thinking about the concept, and how I judge comedy in lots of different ways, and what has made me laugh the most – both in terms of most laughs per minute and hardest laughs overall – is not exactly the same as my favourite comedy shows ever. But anything that manages any kind of notable laughs per minute rating is impressive, because lots of shows I really like never clear that bar. If we define a “laugh” as something outwardly expressed and audible, more than just a smile and a nose exhale, then it doesn’t actually happen all that often. I’ll consider a show very successful if it gets me to do that just a few times across an hour.

So I’ve tried to think of what comedy shows have successfully gotten more than that, have made me properly laugh out loud really consistently for their entire runtime (whether that’s an hour or 15 minutes, though obviously it’s more impressive if they can sustain it for longer). If I’m thinking about this across my whole life, I have to take into account the fact that everything’s funnier when you’re a kid, you haven’t already seen every obvious joke so nothing is hack or overdone. I remember the shows I was into as a kid (ages 7 to 14 or so, I think) as the funniest things in the entire world, I used to watch every episode over and over and over. The main ones on rotation being Flying Circus, Blackadder, Fawlty Towers, Mr. Bean, Ripping Yarns, Yes Minister, M*A*S*H, and Cheers.

Now, at 33, I can understand why it’s annoying to have the parrot sketch memorized – because it’s been quoted so often than at this point repeating it is almost like, for example, trying to sell someone something that's long dead and nailed to a perch. At nine, I could recite every word in it, over and over for hours, and it never stopped being funny. As an adult, I’m still pretty sure Blackadder was a work of genius, but I don’t think I’ll ever again find anything as funny as I found Hugh Laurie’s acting power stance when I was eleven years old. I used to wake up at 5:30 AM to watch a few episodes of whatever show I was re-watching at the moment (my list of shows on rotation was heavily determined by what was in my parents’ DVD boxset collection), until I could mouth along to all the lines but they never got less funny.

I did re-watch every episode of all those British shows in 2020 (so everything but M*A*S*H and Cheers, though I’ve rewatched a few episodes of both those recently as well) to see how they held up, and while they didn’t make me cry with laughter the way I did as a kid, I still thought almost all of them were very good. And by “almost all of them”, I mean… look, I think Mr. Bean is just meant to be a kids’ show. I loved it when I first watched it, because that shit’s hilarious when you’re a kid. As an adult, it looked like a kid’s show with a few genuinely funny moments. The turkey on the head is still funny. Playing with the toy Daleks in the Christmas store is still funny. My family still watches the Christmas special every year on that holiday. The rest of it we can probably leave behind.

Anyway, the point is that you can’t count that because I was a kid. Then I think of my favourite comedy shows that I got into as a teenager. Major ones to come to mind are The Thick of It, 30 Rock, Parks and Rec, Community, Arrested Development, Flight of the Conchords, Freaks and Geeks. My favourite comedy shows of my twenties: Bojack Horseman, Veep, Archer, Brooklyn Nine Nine, The Good Place, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Portlandia, Broad City, Party Down, Bob’s Burgers. I supposed I should add a mention of my mixed and up-and-down longterm relationship with South Park.

I remember a lot of things I’ve loved about those shows besides pure laughs per minute – the characters, the ideas, the atmosphere. I’d go back to certain shows over and over just because I liked the way it made me feel to spend time in the world they created. But for pure, really hard, out-loud laughs? Looking at that list, I think the ones to get the most of those out of me were The Thick of It, Veep, 30 Rock, Arrested Development, and maybe when they were at their best, Portlandia, Archer, and Community could do it. But not all the time. There isn’t really that long a list of comedies that have consistently made me laugh really hard once I wasn’t a kid anymore.

Anyway, that isn’t actually what I was thinking about that made me decide to write this post. The conversation I heard from local comedians, about laughs per minute, made me think of what has done that to me in my thirties, the few years since COVID occurred and I decided to not do anything except British comedy. I have seen and heard and read so much comedy in the last few years, and I have really really loved quite a lot of it. So I was surprised when I realized that I think, if you judge it entirely by out-loud laughs per minute, there aren’t a huge number that come to mind as consistently providing a high rate of those.

In terms of full-length stand-up hours, I think there might still be no one who’s gotten more proper laughs per minute out of me than Rhod Gilbert. All four of his DVD shows are incredible – I think I’d say the first one (The Award Winning Mince Pie) is my favourite, though I might just have a soft spot for the first one I saw, when I first had my eyes opened to that captivating style.

I hesitate a little to comment on his health from the perspective of how much I love his comedy specials, because I don’t want to make something as serious as a person’s life or death about whether I’ll get to hear more comedy specials (I feel the same way about Mark Steel’s current situation – I did make a post a while ago in which I said he has to recover for the sake of Radio Four, but obviously, he has to recover for the sake of himself and his family, even his annoying son, I wish them all the best and it’s not about the comedy fans). But for everyone’s sake, mainly his, God am I ever glad he’s back and by all accounts okay. He’s said he was diagnosed with cancer the day after he recorded his latest special, and you can really tell in that video that he was being slowed down and struggled to match his usual frantic energy levels, but it was still brilliant.

Anyway, I think Rhod Gilbert still wins at laughs per minute from me in stand-up. Proper laughter. Laughing so hard I can’t breathe and have to pause the video so I don’t miss the next bit and end up with tears in my eyes and my throat and stomach hurt. I think Rhod Gilbert has done that to me the most. I’ve tried to think of whose stand-up material might do that to me the second most, and I’m slightly annoyed that I think the main two names that come to mind are Sam Campbell and Nish Kumar. Slightly annoyed because when I look at those two names alongside Rhod Gilbert… okay, is it possible that I might just like being shouted at?

I’m now trying to think of a non-shouty comic who’s done that to me. Kitson, obviously. I think my favourite stand-up hour ever is Daniel Kitson’s Where Once Was Wonder, which is fucking incredible for its ability to get every single aspect right. Brilliant on an emotional level, hitting multiple themes and topics that all have deep emotional resonance and saying original and significant things about them. Brilliant on an intellectual level – every time I listen to it I marvel at the number of layers in its structure, how its conceit of being full of contradictions is embedded in almost every line, how I catch more each time and he points lots of them out but throws even more away. And crucially, brilliant on a humour level. It is consistently, all the way through, hilarious. He probably never goes ten minutes without at least one bit that makes my whole body seize up from laughter until I can’t breathe right.

But honestly, most of the Kitson things that have gotten the highest laugh per minute out of me were not the intricately written shows. I wince at how much he would hate this, but probably, at laughs per minute from me, some of his 2007-2008 Graveyard Triple R radio shows beat some of his best proper stand-up shows. Same with some of his WIP/pre-WIP just messing around shows. There’s some audio footage of a 2007 Late ‘n’ Live night where Daniel Kitson and Andy Zaltzman do an incredibly stupid sketch that has put tears of laughter in my eyes. If you want to know what level of humour we're talking about, that sketch contains the line "That was three ladies booing my dick because it chose the wrong member of We Are Klang to fuck" (which it did, by the way, by which I mean Andy Zaltzman chose wrong while portraying the role of Daniel Kitson's penis, but not for the reasons that this Greg Davies-fancying website would expect, if you'd heard the Triple R shows with Steve Hall you'd understand. He then went on to choose the wrong member of Pappy's Fun Club, what does Andy Zaltzman know about the most attractive members of the most successful British fringe comedy sketch groups of 2007?). It's definitely not better than properly written Kitson shows, or Zaltzman shows, for that matter. But it might have made me laugh out loud more times.

I think It’s the Fireworks Talking is one of the best pieces of performance ever written, but recordings I’ve heard of that have probably made me laugh fewer times than a recording I’ve heard from the Melbourne Festival of when he finished performing It’s the Fireworks Talking and then went into a radio studio to talk shit with David and Claudia O’Doherty all night. Or than the Zaltzman/Kitson penis sketch, put together with everything else from that Late 'n' Live recording.

I know I’m not saying anything new here; I’m hardly the first person to point out that Daniel Kitson is absolutely fucking hilarious when he’s messing around with no script. Lots of people have pointed it out before me, and he has clearly heard those people point it out, as he’s often mentioned that it annoys him, and understandably so. What’s the point of working so hard on proper shows if people just like your unplanned stuff better?

But I don’t think I actually like that stuff better. I don’t think his radio shows are better than It’s the Fireworks Talking (I sort of don’t think penicillin is better than It’s the Fireworks Talking). And this is where I come back to the fact that laughs per minute are not the best way to judge a show (I’d like to clarify at this point that It’s the Fireworks Talking did have quite a high laughs per minute rate out of me, just not as high as Kitson and some O’Doherties getting weirdly competitive about indie music at 3 AM).

Anyway. I think Sam Campbell recently became the first person to make me laugh so hard that I had tears in my eyes, from hearing something that was performed in 2023. He did that with some of his recent stand-up. On Taskmaster he has, more than once, made me laugh loud enough to cause a cat to run across the room (I’m currently catsitting and one of the cats gets easily spooked by sudden noise, so whether I make her jump is a good gauge of whether something’s made me laugh out loud). But only his stand-up has actually made me cry.

I’ve been lucky enough to get to hear quite a bit of recent stand-up in the last couple of months. I’ve really liked a lot of it, but I’m now trying to think of how much of it has actually made me consistently laugh out loud, which is several steps beyond just being funny. I think the only people who’ve done that are Sam Campbell, Olga Koch, Nish Kumar, Greg Larsen, Sarah Keyworth, and Fern Brady. Which actually isn’t that short a list, but it’s a shorter list than the list of comedians I’ve enjoyed at all in the last couple of months.

Anyway, I didn’t start writing this post because of stand-up. I started writing this post because of a conversation I heard some comedians have the other day, but I started thinking of that conversation, and decided I wanted to write a post about that conversation, because I was re-watching some No More Jockeys today. And fucking hell, I have to say, this is supporting the theory that laughs per minute can come so much from unscripted shows that it could justifiably make comedians despair as they wonder what the point is of honing their craft. I’ve listened to a bunch of Tim Key’s properly written stuff in the last few days (went on a bit of a binge of his radio show and some of his old stand-up), absolutely loved it, it’s intelligent and funny and very well written stuff, but it still didn’t make me laugh out loud quite as hard as No More Jockeys does. Almost nothing makes me laugh out loud quite as hard as No More Jockeys does.

I tried to think of some non-stand-up thing that makes me laugh as hard/loud/often as No More Jockeys. The Bugle has managed it, at its best. I've only heard a few episodes of Pappy's Fun Club, but that's done it at times. Catsdown at its best has accomplished it.

The main thing I can think of that's done it really consistently is Taskmaster, but even that probably loses to NMJ at laughs per minute. It’s up there, though. Beats a lot of scripted sitcoms at it, including some really good scripted sitcoms. So from Taskmaster and No More Jockeys, you get the laughs, and the fun of getting emotionally invested in following a competitive game. Why are people still bothering to craft well written sitcom worlds?

This post has been massively disjointed, I think I've hit about six different topics since I've started, somehow including who's the most attractive member of Pappy's Fun Club. I finally have a weekend to myself and have decided I feel like writing things again, and it's started with this. I don't think there was any point to it. All I was really trying to say is I can't believe how fucking funny No More Jockeys is.

Mark Watson desperately, pleadingly trying to argue with Alex Horne about whether Donald Duck has been to prison – I'm sorry but I don't think Rowan Atkinson has done anything funnier than that in his entire life. He's done lots of things that are better than that. But not that can make me laugh harder than that while I'm over the age of 30.

[lake-archive]

Track 4

Fandom: Hypnosis Mic

Series: Rap God O

Characters: Rosho Tsutsujimori, Sasara Nurude, Original Character

AO3 Link

Track 3 - Track List - Track 5

The plan had been more than obvious and was a simple one — “Sniff out O like a pair of watch dogs!” Just kidding, it was nothing like that, not exactly at least. But the mission was very clear, find O. It would either prove very difficult, or at least time consuming, or one of the easiest tasks one could ever receive. There was nothing in between! So, was Lady Luck on the side of Dotsuitare Hompo or was she going to be upset today? Well, the answer was very simple, especially shortly after the duo had stepped outside and wandered the streets for a short moment… 

It had not been a long walk, really, only a few minutes at most. Rosho had been asked to return home, even being so gloomy that he claimed that O would not be found so easily. They should just give up. But where was the excitement in that? If they didn’t take their chance now, who knows when O might appear again! Unless he was out of town, Sasara was certain that this guy would not disappear so suddenly for days on end. Especially not after such a commotion in town. Then again, you never know. And yet… Considering the odds… 

“The youngsters have arrived I see

And of course full of energy.

Oh no I’ve lost…

I’ve been tossed!

Of course not, just kidding.

You still gotta do some ridding.

This old man’s got you on the chopping block

The same one you’ve tried to mock

Tragic? Sad?

Fine, just don’t be mad.

Now scram!

Before I kill you with my jam!”

This had been followed by loud groans of pain, the next audible thing was quick heavy thuds hitting the ground. A bit of silence until one of the voices spoke up and screamed: “What the hell!? This guy’s a monster! I’m outta here!”

“Fuck this shit! I ain’t gonna risk my ass!” Another responded. As for the third… 

“Old man? The fuck’s shit is this guy on!?”

When turning around the duo only saw three young boys running for their lives, in an obvious rush as their legs carried them as quickly as possible. They even ran past Sasara and Rosho, no regard for their surroundings whatsoever. It was an odd sight, to say the least, and the three may as well be at the brink of pissing their pants… Literally, they may as well be running to a nearby bathroom! And maybe they were. But that would not answer anything.

Soon enough the two men turned their attention to someone else however, the voice they had just heard delivering their rap in an uninterrupted and rather confident manner, even if slightly grumpy sounding. A deep voice, one what could be classified as an ‘old man’, contradicting the figure altogether.

He was surrounded by a crowd which whispered several things. 

‘This is the legendary O?’ 

‘This guy knows no mercy.’ 

‘Talk about a hard hitter.’

‘Say, how old is O? For… Curiosity sake!’

‘Hey, what if we convince this guy to join our crew? We’d be invincible!’

‘Bet even Dotsuitare Hompo would run from that old geezer!’

And so on and so forth. It was quite a commotion which only left him to sigh and rub the back of his head. “Noisy…” He mumbled loud enough, even his ears wagging in a rather annoyed fashion… Wait, ears?

Yeah, ears. As Sasara had heard this guy had a pair of cat ears on each side of his head, matching with his black hair on the outside. From the bit he saw the inside was white for some reason, a contrast. Regardless, they were moving naturally on their own, wagging a few times, as if they were… Grown into him? How odd… Mythical creatures do exist, don’t they!? Unless this was part of some bad show setup. Television was famous for something like that those days. Well, not just television but also some of the younger generation, recording all of these things. If it was some kind of joke, they pulled it off more than fine. Even this veteran comedian would be impressed, the effort one has to go through for such a joke after all! But the thought had to be put on hold when… 

“Alright. Was that all or—” O had scanned the area with his green eyes, observing it similar to a cat before turning around and stopping, suddenly going silent. Honestly, his outfit was… Something else for the massive black coat alone. Despite his rather huge size it still looked a little too big on him. The outfit below may as well be the regular salaryman of Japan, how fitting with his tired looking face and annoyed voice. Black tie, white shirt, black jeans and the appropriate shoes. Honestly, if it was not for that he may as well pass off as a regular guy with nothing outstanding… Or perhaps the type of salary man who has given up on his life. But those cat ears… They kept moving, as if having heard and sensed something rather interesting, to say the least. He was eyeing the duo in question, the two had sought O out to begin with. 

Sasara turned his gaze slightly to the side, spotting Rosho flinch on the spot like a statue. If it wasn’t for the color, one may as well mistake him as one. No, one of the birds did, landing right on his head for a second before flying away after a sudden hissing sound echoed close by, making the bird flee for its own, poor life. It also made Sasara turn back and eye the male who was now very close to them. 

“Dotsuitare Hompo… Finally…” He said though looking between the two for a moment, as if scanning them. “Though one is missing… Whatever, I take what I can get.”

“Haha, our dear solO artist has heard of us. What an honor.” The comedian laughed, not even hesitating when coming face–to–face with the super mysterious O! However, there was something… Odd about him, to say the least. Yet he couldn't know exactly what, at least not at the time. Except the obvious cat ears that is. 

O only rolled his eyes however, then scoffing. “Should’ve seen that coming.” He sighed, shaking his head and then continuing. “I’m sure you got something up your sleeve. Anyway, I’m bored. Give this old man a challenge, will you?”

He did not even hesitate, putting his mic out and pointed it right at them, a sharp glare only a predator would have. There was something animalistic about it… Haha, oh the irony. The joke writes itself the further this goes on!

“Bored out of your mind? Why not try a board game then~”

“Hmph… I’ll keep it in mind for next time.” He said this so seriously, it was hard to say if he was joking along or if he was dead serious here. “But now I’m more in the mood to battle.”

“B… Battle!? In this… Crowd? But–” Rosho finally managed to stutter out of himself yet O would not listen to that, let alone let him finish.

“You had worse crowds. Now come at me! First strike goes to you. Give me all you got. Maybe you’ll be the ones figuring it out…”

Track 3 - Track List - Track 5

[gvftea]

“I'm a quite new fan of GVF ( just ine year and a half) but some old fans I've met have told me that Josh and Paige Sara ( who's worked with GVF many times) have had a hidden relationship (or not so much, since it is said that Micah knew it) and that the song The Archer is dedicated to her. Is there anyone who can confirm this rumor that is being discussed out loud?”

I was a huge fan about a year ago and I came to check up on you guys (kinda missed everyone a bit) but let me fill you in on the tea babes:

Josh was weird af growing up and kissed a few girls in their hometown and on school trips no boys wanted to room with him (I’m sure they all knew he was DL and being assholes). Anyways GVF gets huge and mocha or whatever the fuck Josh’s boyfriends name is is ALWAYS with the band but all the fans are like “he’s on payroll, he’s the bands assistant, leave micha alone he deleted all socials cause of dating rumors they are friends” Josh is not gay. But hairy ass Mackenzie kinda outed Josh in that pic of all the girlfriends on insta but everyone chose to ignore it because like they all looked crusty as fuck. like there was NO WAY JOSH WAS FUCKING THAT GUY. There’s this one funny video of micha falling holding all of Josh’s bags leaving a show after they opened up for  Metallica and no one helped him but Jita. Josh’s dumb ass was just waving like Princess Diana while his literal husband is on the floor and just ate shit in front of like 50 people. Anyways everyone’s like: Josh is straight (stop pushing a sexuality onto him) or Josh is gay (you don’t think he’s gay because you all are homophobic) like it was THINK PIECES being sent in on this man’s dick and where it has or hasn’t been. Then there was the “Josh is a virgin waiting for his soulmate who’s a girl that he writes songs about he says it in an interview (that no one can find) and Jake always knows when he writes about this girl he made up in his head that he uses for song lyrics” (like Josh that’s weird af maybe seek help because the lyrics aren’t that good to be doing all that) and there was people who thought JOSH WAS A 27 YEAR OLD VIRGIN ROCKSTAR LIKE HELLO? Then the rumors about girls he’s been with… first Paige.. then that not funny comedian Ali? then a fan who has a little more to love on her body…. The vile thing that were said about this random fan who  allegedly was dating Josh who ran to their car leaving an LA show and jumped in the car and was dating him. That everyone allegedly saw go back stage. And it was a RANDOM ASS GIRL who was a little bigger and everyone bullied the fuck out of her. Then the fake Erika we made up on here.  then that girl who works on a farm that livestreams for fun was also  allegedly fucking him. Then Josh’s power bottom ass comes out and is like “I’m gay lol” and then we were like “8 YEAR BITCH?!?!?!?? you fa-” then we couldn’t tell what mocha looked like so we faught over which white guy he was in the photos Josh’s vocal coach posted. And we dead ass could not tell because micha lost weight (ozempic?) but turns out micha was low key kinda cute after the hair cut and weight loss? And then this whole thing made us realize we don’t know shit about these boys. Then I got better and went out into the world again after lockdown and kinda left the fandom but I will always have a soft spot of GVF and you crazy bitches. With love I hope everyone is doing well and that’s the run down on Josh’s history long story short we know nothing about that hobbit. Lol.

[bdzonthareel]

Barbie

When I first heard about a Barbie movie, I like many people rolled their eyes at the very thought of it. Barbie media has often (at times unfairly) lambasted for being a cash grab and that was my initial reaction, however we I heard that Margot Robbie was involved and her production company was fitting the bill, my interest was piqued. So without further ado, (and I never thought I would ever say these words) let’s talk about Barbie!

We’re introduced to the fictional world of Barbieland, where every concept of Barbie exists and lives in perfect harmony with a respective Ken, and Allan (there’s only one of him.) But the harmony is disrupted when Robbie’s Stereotypical Barbie begins to suffer from an existential crisis and in order for her to fix what’s wrong she must go to the real world and meet the girl who is playing with her and figure out what’s wrong.

In all genres of entertainment, comedy is one of those that I am insanely harsh on, as comedian myself I feel like there should be a flow to long form story, especially in comedy. But I can say that Director and co-screenwriter Greta Gerwig created a work that was heartfelt and hilarious in this film.

The cinematography is nothing short of brilliant, lots and lots of pink paint was used to bring Barbieland to life and it felt like one massive play set. And the various Real World shots were not to be out done giving off a stark contrast to each other.

The soundtrack was a delightful mix of classic top 40s, newer hits and self-aware comedic songs. The score was equally light poppy and fun, composers (pop music legend) Mark Ronson and Andrew Wyatt brought an amazing upbeat energy to this film.

Co-writer Noah Baumbach, helped with some very well-timed jokes, and you know they worked because they triggered a metric ton of incels, and that alone was worth the price of admission. Together with Gerwig, I was throughly impressed with the amount of meta commentary on display, and despite what some might lead you to believe, the film doesn’t demonize men; the film’s message is far more complex than that. I also appreciate the fact that they made the movie about the titular character, with seems to be something that franchises like Transformers can’t seem to get right.

And the performances were hilariously well done, Margot Robbie and Ryan Gossling have great chemistry as they lampoon the ideas of these characters’ roles. Simu Liu, is amazing versatile and brings the same amazing timing that he brought to Kim’s Convenience and it was delightful. Although my favorite Barbies were Issa Rei as President Barbie and Sharon Rooney as Lawyer Barbie. And I would be remised to ignore Hari Nef whose Doctor Barbie was whimsical and charming, Also since I’m madly in love with Alexandra Shipp I can say that she another of my favorite parts. America Ferreira and Ariana Greenblat served as great moral support for the various inhabitants of Barbieland and then there Will Ferrell I was almost convinced was Ken at one point given his goofball behavior. I also enjoyed seeing Rhea Pearlman as one (spoilers), she just gets better with age. Kate McKinnon really went all in as Weird Barbie as did Michael Cera as Allan (easily my favorite character in the film.) And last but certainly NOT least, Dame Hellen Mirren as the narrator brought a nice touch of her

Barbie was more than what I and many others initially expected, it was packaged as a goofball fish-out-of-water comedy which is a tired cliché in its own right, I sat down on this for a good while before writing this and I feel like its one of the best comedies I have seen in a very long time. It was very funny, but it also had a lot to say about growing up, holding on to thing that we love, and letting go of them. The biggest message that we all have to find our own way, because we are all more than just an idea and life doesn’t exist in just a straight line and at the end of the day isn’t that what it means to be human?

I give Barbie a well-deserved, 5 out of 5.

[aajjks]

TPOL!JK

“yeah, i’m okay. i’m doing much better than the last time, superhero” you say and jungkook is confused until he remembers that he saved your life like a superhero would. you always manage to crack on smile on his face despite the sad topic you’re bringing up and it hurts even more because you clearly have moved on from him. there’s a glow on you and it lights up the room no matter where you go. it’s something his current girlfriend doesn’t have, only you. it’s pathetic just how much he loves you.

“well i was in switzerland but namjoon and i moved to ilsan and when we broke up i moved to busan which is closer to my job”

you and namjoon broke up? of course jungkook is wondering why so he asks. “he said something that rubbed me the wrong way and so i broke up with him but we still talk every now and then. he sends me funny videos to make me laugh” you giggle upon a video namjoon recently sent you of someone falling. those are the kinds of videos that really make you laugh.

then he asks you about jorja, your sweet 28 year old friend who is a comedian at heart and a social butterfly by nature. yes, she’s nice and you know yerin and jungkook aren’t in the best place when it comes to their relationship so you just laugh and sort of agree.

“i’m liking the long hair, by the way” you say reaching your hand out but you quickly retract it knowing that it’s pushing boundaries for the both of you. “you, uh, you usually keep it short but i like it. is chaeyoung responsible because if she is, she has good taste” you say as a joke but jungkook just admits he wasn’t keeping track of his hair length but chaeyoung did convince him to keep the length.

you both talk more and more and the awkward atmosphere begins to soften to a more comfortable one as jungkook tells you about how his employees piss him off which has you nearly falling to the floor laughing. “i see your temper hasn’t changed” you giggle “be nice and quit being so mean to your employees” you playfully shove jungkook and he laughs a bit with you.

once your laughter dies down, you don’t know why but your eyes travel down to his lips and back at his doe eyes. again, you don’t know WHY you did that but jungkook catches it.

“u-uh…sorry i just…” you say but you don’t know what to say and just when jungkook was about to say something, chaeyoung opens the door with a smile on her face but jorja isn’t behind her.

“i should get going” you say not even looking at jungkook when you shut the door behind you and head outside to regroup with a beaten up jorja.

yes, jorja was laid out on the ground with blood spilling through her nose, cuts on her face and lips, and a bruise on her head.

“oh my God!! jorja, what the hell happened to you?!!”

“it was chaeyoung! that bitch assaulted me because she thought i was jungkook’s ex”

“Chae? What’s up with you you look a little out of breath, and your hair is a little messed up.” Jungkook wanted to see you off but when he sees his girlfriend’s appearance he’s concerned.

There is mud on her clothes, her hair is out of place and she’s hiding her hands. “Well if you say so… I’ll go & see off yn and jorja.” He shrugs, Chaeyoung tries to stop him but he doesn’t listen.

As soon as he’s out of the door, he’s shocked to see the view infront of him. “Y-Yn?????” He says, eyes wide from shock when he sees you trying to help your blooded friend up. He immediately helps you pick her up. As he is Giving her his shoulder, he questions you about whatever the fuck happened here.

“What the fuck happened here yn??? Who did this to you jorja? Burglars??? Umm but this is a pretty posh area. And the security is amazing?!!” Jungkook and you help her while he offers the both of you to come back. “Come on yn she’s so injured…. Please stay here. I need to file a complaint against this!” Jungkook has no clue what’s happened to your friend.

But why did nothing happen with Chaeyoung, since she was out with jorja too? What’s happening? Just as you are about to open your mouth, since your friend is too weak to talk..

Chaeyoung comes out of the house.

[adultswim2021]

Metalocalypse #28: “P.R. Pickles” (aka “P.R. Klok”) | May 26, 2008 - 12:00AM | S02E08

Who else was getting tired of nothing but Squidbillies and Assy McGee?

In “P.R. Pickles”, Pickles starts hogging the spotlight after hiring his own P.R. person, Liz Bane. Liz, as the tribunal points out, seems to be up to something; she has a history of being the leader of several death cults. By the end of the episode we learn that she has, in fact, been using Pickles’ popularity to attract followers, bilk them of their riches, feed them poisoned grapedrink during a Dethklok show and blow up Dethklok with a comet set to collide with an observatory.

Meanwhile, the rest of Dethklok are jealous of Pickles’ newfound attention, so they attempt to publicize themselves. It goes poorly. One of their hair-brained ideas is to promote Dethklok in untapped markets, like at the bottom of the ocean floor, or on an arctic tundra. Another place they advertise is in space, with a big metal billboard. I wonder if the big metal billboard in space comes into play when the comet bares down on earth to kill them? I’m not being coy, I really don’t know. I covered my eyes at the end because I was too scared.

The opening scene of this episode features a gory game show called Cash Tastrophy, in which a drunken pickles has to answer a trivia question correctly or else the contestant he’s playing for will be “killed with cash”. You can guess how well it goes. Pickles is constantly shown to be a drunk mess on all of these shows, which is hilarious. He truly comes off like a threatening street person, which is hilarious. Anyway, the game-show with a deadly pay-off was pioneered by early television comedian Ernie Kovacs, who– hey! Get back here!

Liz Bane’s scheme is reminiscent of both Jonestown and the Heaven's Gate cults. Jonestown for using Grape Flavor Aid (commonly misidentified as Kool-Aid), and Heavens Gate for using the Hale Bopp comet’s passing over Earth to herald their ritualistic suicide. There’s also a moment in the episode where Pickles gives Liz the gift of a calendar of those dressed-up gray dogs. The Metalocalypse wiki is quick to point out that the dog is modeled after Brendon Small’s dog Ernie. It is also a reference to William Wegman’s Fay, who appeared in various shorts on Sesame Street and other places.

Great episode! I LIKED IT!

MAIL BAG

Can you say one nice thing about Tim and Eric Not Live? You really let that Ephemera fester kimosabe.

I'm glad that Jon Mugar got his time to shine :D

[dinamnealey]

HBO'S VELMA... WASN'T VERY GOOD

(crossposted from https://artofdinam.com/)

Soooooooo… I saw the first episode of HBO’s Velma. You know, the “adult” Scooby-Doo show that doesn’t have Scooby in it, and features lots of “edgy” humour and lots of self-referential mockery, and which fans declared to be the worst thing ever before it even came out.

But I was willing to give it a chance. I’m all for new takes on old franchises, even if I don’t really see the point of Scooby-Doo if the dog isn’t there. (This was apparently an executive decision, mind; the higher-ups at Warner Animation explicitly told the showrunners that the dog was off-limits.)

Besides, I kind of like Mindy Kaling, show runner and also the voice of this incarnation of Velma. She’s not my fave comedian or anything, and she’s done and said some stuff I REALLY don’t agree with… but I adored The Sex Lives of College Girls (also on HBO), and even if Mindy did like one tweet by hyper-transphobe JKR, she was nothing but supportive towards teen actress Josie Totah (whom I mainly know as Lexi from the tragically-too-brief 2020 revamp of Saved by the Bell) when she came out as transgender, and seems fairly LGBTQ-positive otherwise… so I’m willing to accept that this one like was a mistake and not a declaration of hatred towards trans people.

I won’t lie, when I saw the trailer for the show, I thought it was kind of funny. A bit on the nose with the self-referential humour, but still… so It was with cautious optimism I sat down to watch the first episode. And… well, here’s roughly what happened. 

DINA M’S (somewhat parodic, very critical) RECAP OF THE FIRST EPISODE OF VELMA

Velma: Origin stories suck. They’re sexist and stuff. Anyway, here’s my origin story, which doesn’t suck because I’m cool and everyone sucks but me.

Daphne: Hello, I’m a pretty teenage girl in the girls’ locker room. I’m going to go take a shower with my equally pretty classmates.  Equally Pretty Classmates: We’re pretty and naked. Look how naked we are! Daphne: Now that we’ve got the viewer’s attention, let’s turn this communal shower into a discussion forum an talk about how gratuitous nudity in pilot episodes is bad! Other Girl: Nah, gratutious nudity in pilot episodes is HOT. Almost as hot as pointless naked catfights in the shower. Daphne: I’ll give you pointless naked catfight in the shower! Daphne and Other Girl: (Have pointless naked catfight in the shower.) Daphne: This is gratuitous, you slut!! Other girl: This is sexy, you whore!!

Velma: (arrives fully clothed) Velma: (beats Daphne with a stick) Velma: Why are we talking about this and not about race-blind casting in TV shows! By the way, I’m Asian in this show, and Daphne’s a bitch. Daphne: I’m Asian too and YOU’RE a bitch! Other Girl: Wouldn’t it be hot if you two kissed now? Velma: This isn’t Riverdale. We’re not melodramatic enough. Like I said, everyone sucks but me. Velma: (goes to open her locker) Dead Girl: (falls out) Dead Girl: (is dead) Velma: Okay, that girl sucks AND she’s dead.

One short title sequence later…

Velma: (is in handcuffs at the police station) Velma: Well, this is a great beginning to a mystery. Oops, I said “mystery.” Velma: (has a creepy hallucination) Lesbian cops: (enter) Lesbian cops: Hello, sweetie honey sugar pie, ex-friend of our daughter Daphne, whom we totally adore. Velma: You guys suck. My mother disappeared two years ago and you haven’t found her. Lesbian cops: Oh yeah? Well, YOU KILLED THAT DEAD GIRL! CONFESS, YOU MURDERER! Velma: I’m not a murderer, it’s just that I want to kill everyone because they suck. Lesbian cops: Okay, well, you’re still our number one suspect. Now go investigate and find the real murderer. You have 24 hours before we arrest you.

Velma: Lesbians suck. Hey, is that Fred? SWOON. Fred: Yeah, isn’t it so hot that I’m so hot? Fred: (takes selfies) Fred: Who are you, by the way? Velma: I’m Velma. We’ve known each other for years. Fred: Yeah, well, I’m a narcissist or something, so I don’t care. Daphne: (arrives) Daphne: Stay away from my boyfriend, bitch! You killed Dead Girl! Hey, Fred, wanna make out? Fred: Okay. Fred and Daphne: (make out) Velma: I didn’t kill Dead Girl. I don’t know who did, it’s a mystery. Oops, I said “mystery.” Velma: (has a creepy hallucination)

Velma: Dad, I’m being accused of a murder I didn’t commit! Velma’s father: Yeah, well, it’s your own fault. Ever since your mother disappeared, you’ve been lame. Velma: I’m not lame, you’re lame! And you got a waitress pregnant! Waitress: I’m not just a waitress, I’m the owner of the malt shop! But more important… I’m pregnant! Let me pose for naked photos! Look how naked and pregnant I am! Waitress: (poses naked) Fetus: (poses as well) Velma’s father: (takes pictures) Velma: My dad’s taking nude pictures of his pregnant girlfriend, with his daughter in the room. Velma: And the baby in her belly is posing too, making creepy-shaped bumps on her belly. Velma: There’s something disturbing and wrong about this, but I can think what… Velma: Oh, wait, I know what’s wrong here. Velma: WE DON’T HAVE A CAMERA! WHERE DID MY DAD GET A CAMERA?!

Daphne (is making a speech) Daphne: Thanks for coming to this wake for Dead Girl I’m so sad she’s dead. I mean, she was a slut and a whore, but still. Daphne: By the way, while I have your attention, I just want to say Velma’s a bitch. Velma: Fuck you too. Daphne: My lesbian cop mothers told me she was the one who killed Dead Girl! Lesbian cops: Daphhne, we told you not to tell anyone how little we care about the confidentiality issues!

Fred: I’m sad that Dead Girl’s dead, too. OH NO BEING SAD MEANS I’M NOT A MAN! Velma: If it helps, I have creepy hallucinations. Fred: Who are you again? Velma: Still Velma. We’ve still known each other for years. Fred: And I’m still a narcissist. Or have some other condition I’m not sure the writers bothered to define. Fred: Or I’m just a self-obsessed douche. I don’t know. Fred: So what’s this about hallucinations? Velma: Well, my mom was a writer. She wrote mystery novels. Oops, I said “mystery.” Velma: (has a creepy hallucination) Velma: No, wait, this is a flashback scene that reveals my angsty past. We can’t muddle this up with creepy hallucinations. For this one scene, I can say the word “mystery” without having a creepy hallucination, okay? Fred: Um, okay. So… mystery. Velma: Mystery. My mom wrote mysteries. And she was the one who gave me my love for solving mysteries. Velma: Two years ago I solved the mystery of where she hid my Christmas presents. She went out to get me another Christmas present, That was the last I ever saw of her. Velma: The lesbian cops found her car, abandoned and empty except for her glasses and a wrapped present for me. Velma: So I did the only logical thing. I swore off mysteries for good, started wearing her classes, despite not actually needing glasses, and vowed never to open that present. Velma: That’s totally not foreshadowing, by the way. Velma: And ever since then I’ve had creepy hallucinations. It’s because I feel so guilty. My mystery obsession had caused my mother’s disappearance.  Fred: Wow. Learning this made me emotionally connect with you. I even remember your name now. Fred: Well, bye. Fred: (leaves)

Norville: Hey! I’m in this show too! Norville: I know who killed Dead Girl. Norville: By which I mean I don’t know who killed Dead Girl. Norville: By which I mean I can guess who killed Dead Girl. Norville: By which I mean I can’t guess who killed Dead Girl. Norville: DON’T DO DRUGS, KIDS! Velma: Is there a point to any of this? Norville: Yeah. See, before Dead Girl died, I lent her my camera to take pictures in the bathroom at the malt shop. Norville: NOT FOR CREEPY REASONS, OKAY?! I just suspected there to be drug dealing going on in that bathroom. Norville: DRUGS ARE BAD. WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS HOW MUCH I HATE DRUGS. Norville: But now Dead Girl’s dead and the camera’s missing. Velma: Camera?! OMG! My dad suddenly has a camera! That can’t be a coincidence!!

Velma: (arrives home) Velma: (snatches the camera) Velma: Wait, there’s nothing on this camera but a bunch of pictures of babies dressed as vegetables. Velma’s father: Yes, the waitress and I have been taking vegetable baby pictures. Waitress: That was how we paid for the camera. Velma: There are so many questions here that I don’t want the answer to.  Velma: But if this isn’t Norville’s camera, the mystery is who DID take Norville’s… Oops, I said “mystery.” Velma: (has a creepy hallucination) Velma’s dad: Dammit, Velma, stop having those creepy hallucinations! Velma: I can’t, I’m too consumed with guilt! My mom vanished because of my mystery obsession! Velma’s dad: No, Velma. It’s been two years, so I suppose now’s the perfect time to tell you: Your mother didn’t vanish because of your mystery obsession. Velma: ….she didn’t? Velma’s dad: Not at all. She just ran off because you’re a terrible person. Velma: Oh. Well, that’s different. That’s nothing to feel guilty about!  Velma’s dad: Exactly! No more guilt! Velma: No more guilt! Waitress: And now that you don’t feel guilty, why not start dressing sexy? Velma: That’s an awesome idea!

Velma: (enters school) Velma: (is wearing sexy clothes) Schoolkids: Wow, Velma’s hot now! We love her! YAY! Schoolkids: (flirt with Velma) Girl: No, we don’t! She killed Dead Girl! We hate her! Schoolkids: Oh, okay, then. We hate her! BOO! Schoolkids: (throw things at Velma) Fred: No, don’t hate her! I talked to her yesterday, and she’s just sad. Schoolkids: Oh, okay then. We’re indifferent to her! YAWN. Schoolkids: (ignore Velma)

Velma: (cleans up in the bathroom) Velma: (is wearing her regular outfit again) Daphne: (enters) Daphne: So, Fred tells everyone not to hate you, huh? I guess he’s YOUR boyfriend now? Daphne: Whatever. I didn’t want him anyway. We’ve been together for a year and he hasn’t tried to fuck me even once. Velma: He hasn’t? Is he gay? Daphne: …YOU’RE gay! Velma: … Daphne: And Fred never even lets anyone see him naked! Even in the bathroom at the malt shop! Daphne: (leaves) Velma: That was a weirdly specific note to end on. Velma: OMG! The bathroom at the malt shop! Dead Girl was going to take pictures there!  Velma: And that’s the very same bathroom that Fred doesn’t want to be seen naked in! THIS CAN’T BE A COINCIDENCE!

Velma: Norville! Fred killed Dead Girl and stole your camera! Help me break into his house so we can find the camera! Norville: Okay. Velma: (breaks into Fred’s house) Norville: (waits outside) Norville: (gets bored) Norville: (calls Velma on the phone) Velma: Not now, Norville! I’m in the middle of solving the mystery! Oops, I said “mystery.” Velma: (has creepy hallucination) Norville: No, don’t hallucinate! I love you! Velma: You love me? Hah! That’s so funny I stopped hallucinating!

Velma: (finds the camera) Fred: (enters) Fred: You can’t have that camera! There’s a picture of me in it! Velma: So I was right! Dead Girl did take a picture of you in the bathroom! Fred: Yes… and now I’m gonna do the same to you as I did to her. Fred: (psycho grin) Velma: Help! He’s gonna kill me like he killed Dead Girl!! Lesbian cops: (enter) Lesbian cops: (shoot Fred in the kneecaps) Fred: (falls over in pain) Fred: I wasn’t going to kill her, I was going to bribe her to keep her mouth shut! Just like I bribed Dead Girl to give me the camera! Fred: The fact that I talked and acted like a psycho has nothing to do with it! Lesbian cops: Whatever. You’re arrested for the murder of Dead Girl, punk. Fred: But I didn’t kill Dead Girl! Lesbian cops: Yeah, that’s exactly what Velma said too. We didn’t believe her either. Lesbian cops: Oh, hi, Velma. Guess you’re innocent after all.

Norville: Well, that’s that, I guess. Norville: So why do you still have hallucinations if you don’t feel guilty about your mother anymore? Velma: Because while being a terrible person isn’t a valid reason to feel guilty, being obsessed with mysteries is. And I realized she DID vanish because of my mystery obsession. Norville: Okay. Norville: Hey, what’s this in your garbage? Another Dead Girl: (is also dead) Velma: Oh no! Here we go again!

…yeah, this wasn’t very impressive. I think I see why this show fails. Self-aware comedy really only works if you’re actually self-aware. And dramatic revelations about a character’s traumatic past don’t really have the same impact if you introduce plot twists about them five seconds later. 

There is the core of something half-decent here, but it’s sort of ruined by how the characters seem to be… not so much characters as mouthpieces for whatever criticism of pop culture and fans of pop culture that the writers have. (Trust me, I cut out a LOT of the snarky trope discussions and Velma mocking pop culture cliches.) The entire thing moves much too fast; you’re not allowed to get a feel for the characters and the setting before the dialogue tries to deconstruct and mock them. And as a murder mystery it falls flat because the mystery fails to engage. There’s just no reason to care who killed Dead Girl when the characters are all flat and unlikeable. 

Maybe the show gets better as it goes on, but the first episodeis a definite failure.