applespider · 1 year ago
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So I won’t have access to online for the next four days, so putting this out there. Went into these debates fully prepared to vote Baghera and Forever. Walking out fully planning to vote Gegg and Mike. How the fuck did this happen.
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fingertipsmp3 · 11 months ago
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Had another sleep paralysis incident last night
#i don’t remember all the details but there was a podcast i was listening to about supernatural stuff and unexplained events and conspiracy#theories i think; and every time i listened to an episode; a random cushion appeared in my room#it got to a point where the floor of my room was just blanketed with cushions. and my room was way bigger in the dream than it is irl#i think i used a bunch of them to make a mattress for my friend so she could stay over. she came and i was like ‘use any pillow you want’#and she was like impressed by my pillow collection#anyway we went to sleep (yes i went to sleep in my own dream. don’t ask me how this works) and i dreamed of this entity that was the#personification of fear itself. it was probably average height and it wore a cloak with a hood that obscured its face. but tbh i don’t think#it had a face? you looked at the hood and you just saw night. or like black smoke. but ominous#in the dream within a dream it just stood there watching me and i laid there paralysed with fear#then i woke up (still in the dream. so i woke up from a dream with in a dream but i didn’t wake up irl) and told my friend about it#i specifically remember i said to her ‘i dreamed that the devil was here and he was just standing there breathing and watching me sleep’#and she just goes rigid with fear and then i realise i can hear breathing and it’s not either of us. and i look at the corner of the room#and it’s there. while i’m awake (still in a dream). just watching me and breathing in a really strange way that i cannot describe#well that was when i woke up with my body paralysed and my still half-asleep brain hallucinated the entity in my actual room#i was too terrified to remember that sleep paralysis was a thing and i basically thought the thing had paralysed me and was going to kill me#or torture me or possess me or something. but it just stood there still breathing and looking at me. so like i said; i’d forgotten about#sleep paralysis being a concept (and being something i regularly experience) so i went into full panic and also fight mode#i started thrashing; growling; screaming; swearing at it. during this process i woke up and i don’t think i actually made a sound because i#would definitely have woken up someone else in my house if i had. but yeah. i broke out of the sleep paralysis at 3:37am#this will go down as probably one of the scariest dreams i’ve ever had. surprisingly though i fell asleep pretty fast after it lol#i took maybe 20 minutes to calm myself down and then i remember thinking to myself ‘if it shows up again i’m actually going to kill it’#this entity is probably like 5’6. i can punt it#personal
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xnoctifers-eveningx · 5 months ago
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Death Work: Animal Remains
In my practice, I use remains, mainly animal bones, to connect with spirits, connect with Death, and in magical workings. Just recently, I’ve taken 3 more animals under my wing, and I thought it would be nice to detail my process of finding, handling, and working with remains as I actually initiate that process. Beginning first with finding remains and initial contact. As a death worker, I strive to honor the deceased and aid them in their transition, as well as bond with Death and use death and decay in magical practices. I have been doing spirit work for as long as I can remember and have begun learning under a few entities how to properly assist and tend to The Dead. As such this is not a “how-to”, just me sharing my beliefs but I’m open to questions and discussion :)
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Finding Remains
If setting out with the intention of finding remains, it’s important to be prepared. It’s not a fun experience finding something and not being able to take it then, only to come back and it’s gone. Nor is it a good idea to grab things barehanded. I always have a bag with me packed with disposable gloves, trash bags/old shopping bags, and a mask (death reeks!). And if you don’t end up finding anything you can pick up any trash you come across !! I also make sure to bring offerings so I can leave them where I find remains, as well as personal ritual items used in funerary rituals. A hagstone has also always seemed to bring me luck on my searches :)
Where animals live, animals will die. Forests, wooded areas, creeks, wetlands, large areas without much human activity. You typically won’t find much in areas with heavy foot traffic or human presence. It’s good to find areas with lots of game trials, typically I find remains a little bit off from them. If the area has a lot of deadfall, fallen leaves, or snow, it’ll be a lot harder to spot remains. I’ve also had a lot of luck finding small bones and fossils on the banks of rivers, ponds, and lakes. Be wary of fresh or actively decaying corpses, there is a lot of bacteria and the animal itself can be carrying diseases. Always use protective gear when handling remains until they are completely sanitized.
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Code of Conduct
While everyone holds varying ethical and moral beliefs, there are a few important issues I believe people should be aware of.
It's important to try you're best to not disturb other animals while searching. Respect the living as well as the dead. Personally, I don't hunt or otherwise intentionally kill animals but I understand the use. However, I do believe that the whole animal should be put to use and not left to waste. In death work, more often finding animals dead than not, this translates as never taking things that animals/bugs could eat or that you will not use. Nothing should be thrown away in the trash, I believe it is really disrespectful to chuck something like that into a garbage bag when leaving it outside would require minimally more effort. The nutrients of every organism deserve to go back to the soil.
Laws
Many places have laws that protect certain species. For example, the remains of native birds are usually legally protected in the US. Many endangered and at-risk animals are also protected. Even retrieving roadkill is illegal in some places! However, many places fail to impose proper protections on many animals that desperately need it. Always do your research on your local laws and the status of species in your area. Do not trophy hunt irl or online!
Sourcing
I haven't ever bought remains and don't plan to any time soon. I believe that if I'm meant to find it, it'll find me one way or another. Purchasing remains can be fine and ethical, but there are many situations in which it is not. A lot of remains, especially bones and furs, are not ethically sourced. Meaning mass farming, mass trapping, poaching, and cruel killing methods. It's important to know how remains were sourced, especially if one intends to bond with the spirit. Foxes, reptiles, cats, dogs, and skulls (in general) can be easily found on sites like Etsy, The Bone Room (avoid this site!!), and many real-life oddity expos where they 100000% source remains in either illegal or highly unethical ways. If a site sells illegal or endangered animals (bats, wolves, native birds, etc), cheap animals in bulk, or human remains then it is probably best to steer clear! Some Etsy shops will even title their listings as things like “man’s best friend” to try to get around the legality of selling dog remains among other species.
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Initial Contact
After first finding remains I intend to collect, I introduce myself and state my intentions. I then leave offerings and ask to relocate/remove their remains. I approach this in a sorrowful, empathetic manner until giving them a burial and cleaning the remains.
I feel it's very important to ask the spirit before doing anything with the remains. However, if it's roadkill or in a vulnerable area with lots of people, then it's more respectful to relocate it to a quieter place. After doing spirit work for a while, instead of verbally asking and then divining, it’s more of a vibe check for me. When asking a spirit to take their remains, you should state your intentions whether that be art, bonding with them, or magical workings. I do not believe that the shade of an individual is permanently attached to its remains, nor do I believe that the shade is trapped wherever its remains are. However, I also believe that every being should have the opportunity to rest undisturbed if it so pleases. If a spirit truly does not want you fucking with its remains, I believe it will let you know through nightmares, bad luck, illness, and reoccurring thoughts of guilt among other things. You should be willing to leave the decreased alone if it comes to that, but in my experience, there have been few times in which a spirit is both still “connected” to its remains and dislikes the idea of me possessing them. I reckon that animals hold little use to their physical remains after passing, dissimilar to humans who tend to still want autonomy. There have, however, been times when I’ve forgotten about remains (either waiting to be processed in bags or actively processing in a bucket) and get a wave of guilt and think “oh fuck I should pull the deer out of the tub.”
I believe it is very important to leave offerings for The Dead, especially if you are disturbing their remains. Offerings act as both an honoring act for the deceased and payment for the remains. Offerings left out in nature should always be biodegradable and should not be anything that could harm any creature that comes across it. Typically, I make small bundle-type offerings from rocks, shells, plants, and sticks. They can also be food/drink (that is commonly safe for the deceased animal you are offering to), written poetry, or drawn art (on safe paper with graphite).
In addition, I always promise The Dead a burial. A burial does not have to be a grave 6 feet deep, but in some fashion, a piece of the deceased should be given a quiet and safe resting place away from humans. Even if the shade isn’t “contained” in the remains, I hold the belief that it can act as a tether for a part of the soul (hence using remains for spirit communication), and the individual should have the option to rest in a quiet place rather than sitting on a shelf. A burial also ensures that the nutrients contained in the remains are given back to the Earth. Life is a gift that must be returned to where it came from for the cycle to continue – thou art dust and to dust thou shalt return. Along this line of thought, no part of a being should be wasted. Meaning returning unused skin, fur/feathers, bones/fragments, guts, and anything you have no use for. Even with water maceration, the nutrients in the water can be returned to the soil and eaten by bugs. The location of the burial should be somewhere in nature, away from human activity and off footpaths. They don't necessarily need to be buried, they could be placed in high grass or in thickets. Scavengers, bugs, and fungi will take it from there. Death and decay remain important aspects of nature that continue to nurture other critters and the soil itself.
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Cleaning Remains
Cleaning is a devotional act really. I won’t go into the actual cleaning process here because it’s long and varied, but another time maybe (I mainly use water maceration). During cleaning, I follow several rules to ensure respect for the deceased. Most importantly, I don’t treat remains as a toy or something to gawk at. At one point, these were living individuals and my respect for them doesn’t stop as soon as their heart stops pumping. The remains are cleaned thoroughly and well taken care of to prevent damage. I make an effort to never mix bones from different individuals to maintain a level of autonomy and the practical reason of being able to keep track of who's who. With displaying, I try to give everything its own space. My twin fish are kept together in a jar (they r in luv) that serves as their spirit home, sometimes I will set offerings or candles beside it. TOO, I find it important to spend time with the remains if one aims to form a relationship with the spirits. Just a few days ago I took a few armadillo bones out with me for a walk in the rain, which may sound a little crazy to some but I can only hope that I can feel the rain and hear the thunder after I've passed.
The cleaning process is a long and hard one, it's a good time to bond with the remains. As you hold them in your hands, feel every inch of it. Feel the grooves, the textures, the weight, the temperature. Does it feel cold and hollow? Does it feel like a pit is forming in your stomach? Does it feel like a bright light is radiating off it? Do any memories, thoughts, or emotions arise? It is a good way to get to know the spirit/energy of the remains.
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Working with Remains
I don't work with the spirit of every bone I find. That would be very difficult, and many don't have spirits attached to them much anymore. Remains can be used in magic, divination, offerings, and art. If I'm using remains as ritual tools, I will first bond with them, consecrate, and then continuously feed them. Just some of the ways remains can be used in death work and magic;
Connecting with Death
Connecting with the individual spirit or species archetype
Conjuring The Dead: I find that bones can be excellent wands used to call upon spirits. They can be really good tools for directing energy, especially for the earthly deceased.
Offerings to Chthonic / death associated entities: many of the bones I have, I've put on my altars for Hades, Hekate, and Lucifer. Not only because they represent death and are aesthetically fitting, but to place the deceased under the protection of those entities.
Bindings: I believe a hollow bone could be used for a good binding by placing taglocks and ritual ingredients into the hollowed center and sealing it up tight. Bones are strong and hard to break, whatever you put in them will have a hard time finding their way out. They take a very long time to decay, so if you buried it after binding someone, I reckon they'd be there for a long time. Bones are a physical representation of death so there could also be an opportunity for some nasty effects.
Spirit vessels: in a similar line of thought as bindings, bones are excellent for containing or homing spirits. Typically these are entities associated with the species the remains belong to.
Ritual tools and instruments: bone athames, wands, offering dishes, flutes, whistles, drums, containers, osteomancy sets, the list goes on.
Additionally, specific parts can represent certain things and can be useful in certain workings.
Teeth: teeth from predators/carnivores represent power, defense, and protection. They are well suited for protection talismans, wards, and asserting dominance over others.
Claws: similar to teeth, claws can be used as strong protection charms.
Skulls: I would say the skull is the defining bone of an individual. The seat of the mind, consciousness, and all perception. Skulls can be used to bond with spirits or keep away spirits, similar to how a jack-o-lantern works.
Rabbit feet: rabbit feet are popularly considered lucky charms. You can also use them to help you navigate situations quickly and bring about fertility and abundance.
Chicken feet: chicken feet are commonly turned into protective amulets. They usually have long, sharp claws perfect for scratching back at anyone who tries to harm you.
Tongues/eyes/ears/brains: these structures supply us with our sensory perception and are vital parts of most species. They can be used to draw upon psychic abilities (eyes for clairvoyance or visions, brains for claircognizance). They can also be used to dampen the senses, such as tying, binding, or pinning a tongue to shut someone up.
Heart: often used to represent emotions like love. Can be used in love spells or to hurt someone emotionally.
Liver: a common form of divination in the ancient world was to slaughter an animal and then interpret patterns and markings on its liver. This is actually something I find fascinating, look into Mesopotamian liver divination and hepatoscopy!!
Shed skin: shed skin from snakes, reptiles, and bugs can be used to represent change, renewal, enlightenment, and letting go by "shedding your old skin".
Antlers: antlers often represent strength and power as animals will use them to fight with each other and assert their dominance over their territory. Small ones could be fastened to bags and be used as protective charms. They can also be made into wands or protective pendants.
Shells: I've always associated shells with protection since that is their purpose. I often use a powder made from ground shells to pour along the edges of rooms or windowsills.
Scapula: Interestingly, used in many belief systems and cultures for divination. Scapulimancy is the divinatory use of scapulae by interpreting post-mortem markings, or markings/cracks on the bone made by holding it over a flame. Another divinatory use found in old necromantic manuals, specifically the Munich Manual, is using the scapula as a scrying mirror by anointing it with magical oils and conjuring spirits in the reflection.
Turtle plastron: used alongside scapulae in Chinese divination, the querent would paint or carve their question into the bone, drill evenly spaced holes, and then hold it over a flame and interpret the cracks or burn marks.
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bao3bei4 · 1 year ago
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ON THE TSHIRT METHOD TO WRITING ESSAYS IN YOUR OWN TIME: 
i have had a couple people mention to me that they would like to write essays too, but they are a little out of practice. so i thought i should gather some scattered thoughts into one place. this is not a systematic guide. i am young and inexperienced and still working out things for myself, but this is my basic process and some things that have helped me, summarized. 
my biggest single piece of advice is to write with your proverbial pussy. you are not writing for a grade so don't act like it. forget rigor, forget academic style, etc. read what you're interested in, and write following up on the threads that you're interested in. don’t sweat the details. just do you.
if you still need more advice..... here’s a long winded post. 
step zero: if you have no clue what you want to say yet 
read. and read a lot.
but be realistic. be kind to yourself. your attention is a precious resource, and it is getting eaten up by shit out of your control all the time. if you’ve had a busy day, you may still have the brain power left to read. i almost never do. lol. so make sure to carve out time on a day off, if possible. otherwise you might end up completely fried, reading the same sentence over and over, and ending up scrolling on your phone LMAO. <-- painful lesson also to this end, if you haven’t picked up a denser book in a while, start with shorter articles, especially ones written more recently. if your attention wanders, try getting a physical book instead. the most important thing is just starting things you’ll actually read.  i’ve seen a lot of people (and been that person) who was like. “oh i’m going to start with THE canonical text in a subject i’m interested in” which makes sense right? but that book is inevitably long and dense and convoluted and boring. you can come back to it later. this shouldn’t feel like a chore! 
genuinely this is the most helpful thing you can do is just. read anything. it may be difficult at first (or always), but it is still the easiest way to engage with the foremost experts from around the world and the entirety of written history on any subject you are interested in. there’s not really a substitute to this. 
note: you may say that people can and do come up with brilliant ideas independently of their access to written works. this is true! but if you are one of them, you should skip this section/post, because you already know what you want to say.  okay that was a little too facetious. let me revise: when i say that, without reading, it will be hard to come up with more complex ideas than what you have now, that isn’t necessarily pejorative. maybe your current ideas and impulses are original and meaningful and complex. if they aren’t, however, you don’t have to resign yourself to it.  your experiences in real life are the most valuable thing you can bring to the table, but it can be very difficult to articulate and contextualize them without community—whether that be irl, or the simple textual company of other writers. you can let other people help you and teach you.  basically, this is a long winded way of saying something extremely simple: reading is not the only way to gain knowledge, or even the best. but it is an extremely consistent and relatively egalitarian way.** **scihub and libgen and sometimes the public library are your friends. (my local library’s book coverage is spotty) who cares about piracy. LMAO. 
you may surprise yourself by how nicely you fall into little spirals. you read one thing. and you are enamored with the way the author approaches their subject. so you end up reading everything else they’ve written, and then you start on the authors they list that inspire them in their interviews. maybe you just read one article that’s a little dry but it cites something else that seems far more interesting. read that next. and so on. 
if you are struggling to read that’s okay. you have options. start a book club (or just get a friend who also wants to read more). if that sounds like too much work, pick a friend to keep updated on all your new facts. you just want to get used to reading something, and telling someone your favorite parts again. skim books. skip the boring parts. drop them entirely and find a more interesting one. no one’s going to quiz you. this is for your own enjoyment. 
also important here: read books that make you want to write. sometimes this is because the methods and/or prose of the author are so exciting, you want to do something just like that. sometimes it’s because the content is so exciting, you want to say something about that too. sometimes they speak so powerfully to your own life, you want to tell people this is me!! i see this!! there are books i just enjoy reading, sure, and i do read them. but you know how, like, a good movie makes you want to tell stories too? good theory should do that too, in my opinion. 
step one: you have some ideas now. 
these ideas don’t have to be set in stone. but you should have an idea now of what you might talk about. personally, for me, i have two interconnected types of essay ideas. 
interventions. this is like [tumblr voice] Why Is Nobody Talking About This. i see some sort of hole. maybe i know how to fill it, maybe i don’t. 
free associations. basically i read one thing, or some analysis of one thing. and then it reminded me of another thing. and i’m like. i want to tease apart their connections, their similarities, and their differences. 
there are more types of ideas, i’m sure. but these are the ones i consistently have. with me, the second kind is more common. very rarely do i find that my thoughts are that original. rather, i’ve found that one of my strengths as a writer is being able to make connections that other people haven’t made, or haven’t made in depth before. IN MY OPINION. 
so i find it quite flexible. maybe i watch a movie, and it reminds me of my own life, because i think two women in the movie could be sad queer freaks. and i’m a sad queer freak. or it could be that i think scum villain could be analyzed through the framework of freudian psychoanalysis. you get the idea. 
at this stage of the process, i don’t have a thesis, necessarily. but i have a couple phrases i’m drawn to. i have a bullet point or two. i have vibes. 
to use an example from this blog, one of my friends hui once mentioned that that one fan image was going around again. we were going ughhh it’s victorian not chinese! together and they said “you should write a meta on it.” i wasn’t sure quite yet what i had to say. but i knew a couple things. 
this is, incidentally, because i had done some research into chinoiserie before, because i had cited the zuroski book for a paper i had to write for an english class some years before on pride and prejudice and its use of descriptions of material culture, an essay that in turn was inspired by my random yet deeply felt conviction that jane austen hated me personally and wanted to kill me.  this is why i encourage reading a lot. i think. 
to work on this stage, make lists. lots of them. i have a .txt file where i keep every essay idea i have. a lot of them are a sentence. or they're lists of books or theorists i think i could make something out of. or they're theses that feel true, but i’m not sure why yet. 
it took me a while to get to this point. just like with writing fic, there was a period when i first started where i was like. i only have one idea. i’m going to write it, and then i’m never going to write again. and then i had just one more idea. after a while. eventually you will find you have so many ideas and the world is full of possibilities. it’s a muscle you have to flex. like reading. and telling people about what you’re reading. 
actually, i feel like there was a step 0.5 here that i completely skipped. 
step zero point five that i skipped: how to generate ideas
my very truly complete “first time writing something semi-academic that was original” (with a loose definition of the word original) was literally just me reading literary criticism of one book, and saying “i think this author’s thoughts can be applied to this other book” and found some textual evidence that supported that the process could be replicated. 
this is like, writing with training wheels on. eventually i got better at it (see aforementioned chinoiserie essay. i hope you agree.). but that was a good place to start for me. it made the proverbial blank page less intimidating, knowing i had a scaffolding. 
i suggest trying this. see how it goes for you. read around until you find some piece of criticism, or just some theory about how something works, that you like. and using your newfound hammer, go look for some nails. 
note: i know this expression is meant to like. be a negative thing. but you do have to start somewhere. it’s okay if it sucks. it’s just for your practice and your enjoyment. 
be cautious of stances. weak writing (in my OPINIONNNN) tries to unilaterally defend or condemn a behavior. what you need to do is treat your writing as a bit. and then you need to run with it. you need to take it farther than what is reasonable. if this bit is truly actually deeply true, then what does it mean about yourself? it’s like using a new set of pronouns as a joke or something. you know what i mean? (that was an example of what i’m trying to communicate here)
what else is key to look out for... look for oppositional pairs or tensions. look for perverse incentives and vicious circles. look for embarrassing ideas. that is, what would be extremely embarrassing if it was true? (or to admit that it was true) you may go—tshirt, here you’re just describing things that are sexy. yes, exactly, that’s the point. you want things that thrill. 
just keep reading and making notes until everything echoes with something else. now you’re ready for step two. 
step two: refine your ideas further. 
let me do this by demonstration. once more extending my earlier example of my chinoiserie essay, i knew that i really wanted to take zuroski’s points and basically... steal them. this is called “citation,” i guess. but i thought the following insights were useful to me: 
british women were invested in chinese material objects 
they incorporated them into their own subjectivity
past a certain point, they no longer “consumed” these signifiers, but these signifers became theirs 
critique of one was able to stand in for critique of the other
and from being on fandom twitter, i already had the following insights: 
people deliberately blurred the lines between china and england when it came to fans and tea
people also liked talking about victorian modesty when it came to china 
so it seemed like victorian england and china had a privileged relationship, in a lot of people’s minds in fandom. 
so it didn’t really seem a stretch to say... how can we look at one history, and apply it to our present? 
it was a bit of the combo of the two: i saw something i didn’t see people were talking about, and it reminded me of something else i’d read before. 
something that helps me a lot is tweeting about my essay ideas. if you have me on my private account, you already know this. it forces me to explain myself to someone who doesn’t know what i’m talking about in a very succinct way. oftentimes, i tweet something out while i’m brainstorming, and then i steal the phrasing back into my essay. see? tweets can be writing too. 
this is microdosing on step zero’s “read something and practice telling a friend about it.” now you’re writing something and telling a friend about it. 
step three: okay now you can like. open a google doc 
make an outline. i know i know i know. i’m sorry. you can start just barfing thoughts if you want, but eventually everything that was on the top of your head will be out. and now you can start thinking about structure. the reason the outline is important is because it makes clear the logical progression from one idea to the next. 
i know i usually bounce around in my writing (a tendency which has been magnified here because this is so casual LMAO), but i always want to make sure that my points are substantiated. if we want to talk about how a causes b, we should prove a, we should prove the causal link, and only then can we infer b, for instance. it doesn’t really matter what order that happens in (or even that we set about it that way), but the more complicated your idea is, the longer checklist you need. it’s just a checklist. that’s all. 
as you start writing, you’ll probably need to read some more. you’re going to want to say something you think is true, but you’re going to realize that you haven’t proved it (or you can’t). go look to see if someone else has proved it. 
maybe you’re right. add that evidence in. maybe you’re wrong. now your essay has a new direction. there is a living thing beneath you. actually, on that idea— 
i tend to structure my outlines (if i’m not sure yet what my point is) by pasting a bunch of quotes in a document, and reorganizing them until they make sense, they seem to flow. and then i start explaining why, until i realized i have begun to walk off in a new direction. always embrace that new direction. eventually you will find that you have not been taking twists and turns, but actually you were dizzily walking along a straight path. (unless you have been unfocused and you are trying to say too many things at once. ask a friend to read your essay if you’re not sure which is the case.) 
quotes are the smallest unit of your analysis. work with evidence. or, at least, i do. it makes writing an essay like solving a mystery. the idea of just spontaneously generating something new fills me with terror. rather, i want to autopsy something, trace its steps, and then discover how it came to be dead. this may not be true for you. but it’s true for meeeee and this is my post. 
tl;dr
0. read something and tell someone about it/post it out
0.5. come up with a bit and run with it
1. think "why is no one talking about this" or start free associating
2. come up with weird connections and tell someone about it/post it out
3. collect all of your posts and ideas into a gdoc and organize them.
anyway i like reading posts like this because i’m incredibly nosy. so i tried to write out the sort of thing i like to read from other people. i don’t suggest you actually try to replicate it (if anyone would even want to.) practically basically i just encourage you to try any single part of this that you think was interesting or relatable or helpful. personally, i suggest reading a book and posting your favorite lines from it. if you do this a couple times, i think you will find the seeds of an essay waiting for you in your own posts. 
#x
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callmelola111 · 1 year ago
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K.O. ♡ e.w. oneshot
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 ✄ - - - -   inspo track   - - - -   bull believer- wednesday
synopsis: as hours, minutes, and seconds count down till the new year, secrets are revealed and trust is broken. who knew the downfall of your life could be so freeing—and that a total stranger would be the one to catch you.
      | 𓆣 | pairing & wc: ellie williams x reader. wc: 4.8k
      | ❀ | cw: 18+ themes (MDNI), modern au, reader is in a toxic relationship with a man (sexuality isn’t mentioned in huge detail so feel free to hc however you like—they could be bi, pan or just a lesbian with very real comp het), coming out scene (refers to self as “gay”), heavy swearing, descriptions of intense violence + gore, cheating (bf on reader), underage drinking + use of marjuana (18), reader is called a slur (dyke)
a/n: hi hellooo, long time no see! **first, a quick disclaimer: this isn't realistic, there is a complete lack of morals and an unethical/dangerous amount of violence that i wouldn't condone irl. but alas this is fan fiction based off a M rated game whose whole basis is violence, sooo plz keep that in mind when reading.** anywaysss... i’ve been obsessed with this song for months now and it sparked a little oneshot idea so here it is. not exactly my usual stuff, more of a passion project as i process my hatred for men as a lesbian who used to date them. soooo i guess this one goes out to my small town comp het girlies who love ellie williams. thanks for all the support!! ♡~ lola
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In the south it never really felt like a true winter. All the holidays that came along with it never felt real either. Christmas was dull and New Years was even worse. After spending the last 18 years of your life in a small hick town, it felt like no use to wish for some “better future”. You were damned from the start. Sure it was a new year, but it was the same old shit and you knew nothing was gonna change until you got out of this hell hole.
Just 6 more months of pretending, you’d tell yourself. 6 more months of bending over backwards to please your overbearing parents. 6 more months of mediocre sex with your shitty boyfriend that you weren’t even sure you liked. 6 more months of artificial conversations with your estranged friend group from middle school who claim to “not get you” anymore. But at this point, as every little thing ate away at you, you weren’t sure if you could keep up your act for much longer. Especially tonight, where you’d be faced with the challenge of appeasing all 3. 
December 31st, 9:00pm:
Adorned in a matching set of mint green pjs you sat patiently on your bed waiting for the go-ahead. Like clockwork, your parents gave a small knock and pushed open your door from its cracked position. It always annoyed you how they knocked, pretending to respect your privacy while simultaneously enforcing a “no closed doors” rule. You thought at 18 they would’ve let it go, but no. 
“Well hun, me and your mother are heading out now. We don’t expect to be back till the morning… Ya know, just to be safe while taking part in all the ‘festivities’.” Your dad chuckled, throwing up some air quotes. Your mom stood deadpan waiting for him to wrap up his little bit before butting in.
“No plans for the evening, right?” She phrased her words like a question but you knew this was just her way of subtleing enforcing the stupid rules you’ve followed your whole life.
“Of course not momma. Probably just gonna watch Gilmore Girls reruns and then go to sleep before any fireworks start up.” You gestured to your pjs but your perfectly made bed said otherwise. See, you knew this little routine like the back of your hand. You knew just what to do and just what to say in order to lure your parents into a false sense of security. While they stood in the frame of your door wishing you a goodnight, your party clothes hung on the other side of it, just out of their view.
December 31st, 9:30pm:
A loud honking blared from just outside your bedroom window. You ushered the sheer curtains open and glared out at the little sedan sputtering in your driveway. Your hands ran down your face followed by a big sigh. It’s not like you didn’t know your boyfriend Jax was coming to pick you up for the new years party that night, you had planned it just days before. But unbeknownst to him, the only reason you reached out was because you didn’t have a ride and tonight was one of the few times your parents wouldn’t be around to police curfew. 
You climbed into the passenger seat already cringing at the unidentifiable smell and litters of trash covering the floor. Forcing a smile to your face you greet the grimey boy sitting at the wheel with a wave.
“Come onnnn, not even a kiss? You must be real happy to see me, huh?” You grit your teeth, squeeze both eye’s shut, and lean in for a peck to appease his complaints. 
“Of course I’m happy to see you babe.” This was a lie. Something you had become quite good at these past few years, even lying to yourself at times. The rest of the car ride was silent, leaving you to ponder this drudgery of a relationship. You weren’t quite sure when things shifted or if there was ever an attraction at all, but after a year together and college approaching you just decided to ride it out until the inevitable. And part of you recognized the same in him, so there was never any guilt about it. 
December 31st, 9:45pm:
Alcohol was the first thing on your mind as soon as the car went into park. The door to the house was propped wide open, inviting in teens of the small town. Some top 10 hit boomed from a speaker nested in the main living area, not really your style—at least not sober. You scavenged the kitchen for a clean solo cup to designate as your own and began the journey to drunkenness. Jax followed in suit with a couple bottles of beer. The harsh burn in your throat lingered but the alcohol's effect was already beginning to take off the edge that was your life.
You attempted to initiate some conversation with the man who had brought you here but he was too busy texting to listen. So consumed with the glow of his screen, you couldn’t help but peek to see what was so interesting. As soon as you got a glimpse you wished you had been less nosey. His attention was not being stolen by a dumb Instagram reels, but actually, a long string of texts with a girl whose name you didn’t recognize. Your stomach pinged at his possible infidelity. Partly because he was your boyfriend but mostly because you’d spent months convincing yourself to like him, to stay with him, to be a good girlfriend—and he could care less. All this work and effort on your part was simply discarded with his unloyal behavior. It was all for nothing. But hey, maybe you were just drawing conclusions. It could just be a friend. Right?
December 31st, 10:15pm:
Jax had finally shifted his attention back to you before his screen lit up again causing you to retaliate in irritation. You swiped up the cracked device before he had the chance and began to scroll.
“Can’t you just silence it? What is soooo fucking importan-.” Your voice caught at the sight of flirty messages littering the screen.
“Are-are you fucking cheating on me?” You instantly questioned.
“Bro no! Give me my fucking phone back!”
“Who the fuck are you texting then? ‘Mary Jane’,” you spouted in a mocking tone, “no way is that someone's real name. You’ve gotta be kidding me.”
“It’s a joke between me and my cousin. Now would you chill?”
“Your cousin?? You call your cousin baby?? I mean, I knew this town was full of hicks but I didn’t know y’all were those kinds of hicks.” The alcohol was giving you a little too much courage as your taunting waded into dangerous territory.
“The fuck did you just say? Don’t fucking test me! Can’t even handle a couple shots without getting all crazy on me!!”
“Crazy?? I’m being fucking reasonable. Literally any other person would be bothered by this just as much as me.”
“You know what, just fuck off. We can talk when you stop being such a delusional bitch.” He then disappeared into the living room, landing onto the couch, leaving you alone with your anger. 
December 31st, 10:30pm:
You stood idle, bubbling over with emotion, eye’s filling with tears when a wet sensation hit your upper lip. Its flow grew stronger and began to trickle onto your hands where your gaze was locked. Deep red stained your palms- a random nosebleed. It was like a sign from the universe. A sign that you weren’t crazy. In fact, you might be one of the only sane people in this whole damn town. Stuck in your reverie, blood continued to drip on your hands, your shirt, your lips- everywhere. That is until a kind eyed girl slipped you a dish towel to stop the flow. 
“Uh hey, your nose is bleeding.” You snapped your head up finally acknowledging the moment in full.
“Shit thanks, sorry…” Your face went hot realizing how long you had been just standing still, letting the blood fall where it may. The heat doubled, spreading to your ears when you finally acknowledged the person who had witnessed the whole thing. Ellie Williams. You had never formally met but knew of her existence, as she had kind of a reputation around school. There wasn’t anything inherently bad about her (at least in your opinion), she just didn’t fit the mold of most residents in your town. Therefore, she was a target for people's prejudices, especially being the only out lesbian in your senior class. Despite everyone else’s thoughts, you really admired her. You wished you had that type of courage.
“It’s no problem…” the auburn haired girl glanced down deciding what to say next before lifting her gaze back up to you. “Not to be nosey, I know you don’t really know me, but like… are you okay?”
Head tilted back, you gave a nasally reply, “Oh me? Yeah, yeah uh- I’m okay” 
“No offense but uh, you don’t look that okay.” she gestured to your bloody everything.
“Alright so I’m not okay, you got me.” You looked down to your now crimson stained blouse and scrubbed frantically at the chiffon material trying to reprimand the damage.
“Here, here– You can just take my flannel to cover it up, I promise I don’t mind.”
“Are you sure?” Before you could say anything else, Ellie was sliding the warm garment over your shoulders and guiding you into the arm holes. It was dark blue, in a faded plaid pattern, and smelled of pine and incense. The girl was now left barren in just her white tank– and all for you.
“Yeah of course.” She then took it a step further, buttoning you up. You watched as her dexterous fingers worked up from the bottom of the shirt to the top, brushing you at each maneuver. A little jab into the plush right under your naval, a swipe past your ribs, and a tap at your collarbones. The quick, unexpected interaction left you completely flustered and you weren’t quite sure why.
“Thank you.” was all you could say. 
“Sooo… do you wanna talk about it?” At this point, Ellie was completely enamored with you from the way you handled yourself with Jax. She had this unusual feeling, a feeling like she needed to protect you. A feeling that you were different from most. Maybe you were even a little like her?
“Honestly, yeah. My friend Samara was supposed to be here tonight but I guess she decided not to show, and I’m starting to wish I didn’t either.”
“Well, if it’s worth anything, I’m glad you’re here. Come on now, follow me.” Ellie led the way to a set of stairs at the edge of the living room. You snaked right past the couch where Jax was drunkenly passed out, mumbling obscenities at his phone. Of course, he paid no mind to you. The idiot was too consumed with himself to even wonder if you were okay.
December 31st, 11:00pm:
You and the sweet girl sat on the rough carpeted step talking about everything under the sun. Ellie was the first person in a really long time who you felt you could be honest with.
“So you think he’s cheating on you?” she questions trying to clarify the few bits of dialogue she heard while watching from afar.
“I know he is. I’m not stupid.”
“I’m sure you’re not.” Ellie put her head down staring at the laces of her dirty converse. You felt so unreadable, making her unsure of how to proceed in the conversation. “So00, how do you feel about it all then?”
“I don’t know, I guess angry.” you answered with a remarkably solemn tone. 
“What about… sad?”
Like second nature, you instantly thought of a less than honest answer until Ellie’s attentive green eyes brought you back to Earth. 
“It feels like… I’m supposed to be sad, but I can’t. In a twisted, confusing way, I’m honestly kinda relieved. So fucking pissed, but relieved.” Ellie’s lids widened, this was an answer she wasn’t expecting at all–but one she was glad to hear.  
“I can’t blame you, he does kinda seem like a piece of shit.”
“And his dick is small too.” you quipped, making Ellie chuckle under her breath.
“Maybe I’m reading into things, but… it seems like you never really liked this guy in the first place.” 
You took a guilty pause before confirming, “Maybe…”
“So why haven’t you broken up with him?” Ellie was genuinely curious. She thought if it was her in the situation she definitely would’ve gotten rid of that Jax guy long, long ago. Who would wanna keep around a douche bag like that?
“Being with Jax felt convenient. He felt like my ticket to ‘normalcy’.” You put your head down in slight shame but continued the explanation. “I got so caught up in my image that I neglected how I actually felt. I was doing everything to please everyone but me.”  Ellie scooted in one inch to the left, now connecting your thighs and bringing in a sense of comfort.
“Trust me, I understand. This town is fucking ruthless.”
“God yeah, the things I’ve heard people say about you are seriously fucked up. I don’t know how you do it.” A beat of silence lingered as Ellie articulated her thoughts.
“I think… community. I mean, obviously most of the people at our school look down on me, but all it takes is one singular person to be right there with you and then things don’t feel so bad. I guess for me, I can’t imagine being anything but myself. Like completely myself.” The girl looked up from the hangnail she was picking at as she spoke and was met with your tear filled eyes. “Fuck, did I say something?”
Your hand shot up to quickly wipe away the floodgates threatening to fall, “No, no. It’s just that you’re right,” you stuttered, choking down another cry, “an-and, I wish I would've realized it sooner because these past 4 years have been like hell. I don’t wanna be the cookie cutter straight girl anymore. I just wanna be me.”
Ellie then placed a gentle hand to your knee and brought her eyes to meet your own, “And what might that be?”
“Gay. Like really fucking gay.” you said through teary-eyed laughs as Ellie joined in with her own hearty chuckle.
“Welcome to the club.” she said, sticking out a strong hand for you to shake. You grasped it tightly as her warm palm guided you up and down, her touch lingering just a little longer than the gesture itself. As you collected yourself you whipped out a small pocket mirror to touch up the smudged mascara littering your undereyes. Ellie admired in silence. She was in pure awe of your resilience, and when you were finished with your clean up, you turned back to realize what had just gone down.
“Fuck, I’m sorry for dumping all that on you considering we just met. It’s weird how things I’ve never even said out loud before can come out so easily around a stranger.”
Ellie nudges you with her shoulder, “I guess I just have that effect, huh?”
“I guess you do.” you sighed, nudging her back.
December 31st, 11:15pm:
The two of you continued your banter until a cold breeze from the back door gave Ellie a brilliant idea.
“Dare I say… you look like you need a blunt?” she said with a mischievous smirk.
“No, please. It's exactly what I need.”
Ellie then reached into the pocket of her baggy jeans, “I guess it’s your lucky day then.” she said, revealing the most perfectly wrapped blunt you’d ever seen.
“You’re actually god sent Ellie. How are we just now meeting?” The auburn-haired girl gave a small laugh before grabbing your hand and leading you to the backyard. As she pushed the white panel door open, every single ounce of weight that had been lifted off from that one singular conversation, all came crashing back down. Ellie and you weren’t the only ones who adventured outside into the brisk night air. Right on the porch stood Jax, accompanied by your “friend” Samara, who up until this point you didn’t even think was coming. The piece of shit was practically sucking her face off before the creaking sound of the back door sent them 5 feet apart.
“I knew it! I fucking knew it!” you yelled, eyes growing dark with rage. Ellie just stood and watched from the corner.
“Babe, please! I swear it’s not what you think!” Jax stumbled forward, attempting to grasp at your figure.
“Don’t you dare try and touch me! You don’t even deserve to look at me. It’s over Jax. I’m done being suffocated by your never ending bullshit!” Knuckles clenched, you continued your lashings, this time at Samara. “I-I thought we were friends. What happened to that?”
“You don’t even like him. You should be thanking me.” she spat. 
“You really don’t get it, huh? This has nothing to do with me liking Jax or not, you completely betrayed our friendship the second you started fucking him behind my back. Friends don’t fuck each other boyfriends Samara!” Before she could even respond Jax was dragging her away, flipping you off on the way inside.
“Ellie-” you squeaked, trembling in shock. 
“Come here, it’s okay love.” she whispered, parting her arms to make a safe space just for you. You collapsed into the warm cavity and relinquished the buckets of tears you had been saving for the moment someone actually gave a fuck. And Ellie did. She never let go of you even for a second as you crumbled under her.
“Jeez I’m sorry.” you said after minutes of pure silence, lifting your head to meet Ellie’s green eyes. 
“For what?”
“For being a drunk mess, crying to you about a man, and also, I think I got a little snot on your shirt.” you tried to laugh it off but you really just wanted to disappear.
Taking your face in her palms Ellie reassured you, “hey, hey no need to be sorry pretty girl. You’ve been through a lot tonight. Besides, I think I look kinda good with this huge ass wet spot in the middle of my tank top. What do you think?” You stepped back and took a look at the damage, and honestly, she was kinda right. With the white cotton material you could see right through to her toned stomach, barely missing the bottom of her breasts. 
“Fine, yes. I’m sure there’s plenty of girls who’d kill to see you in a wet shirt Ellie.”
“Lucky you then.” she said, playfully nudging your shoulder.
You couldn’t help it as the corners of your mouth turned upwards, “Yeah, I guess so.”
“There’s that smile. Soooo… blunt now?”
“Yes. Blunt.”
December 31st, 11:30pm:
And just like that, you were halfway through the chestnut wand of herbs and deep in conversation.  
“So you really haven't seen But I’m a Cheerleader?” Ellie asked, blowing out a puff of smoke with the question and passing it on.
You took the blunt from between her fingers and let it rest between your own, “No. Should I have?” 
“Definitely dude, it’s like queer classic.”
“Oh yeah?” You cocked your head at the freckled faced girl. 
“Yeah. And now that I’m thinking about it, you’re honestly just like the main character.”
“How so?” you asked, taking another long draw. 
“She’s in denial about being gay for like the first 30 minutes of the movie.”
A string of coughs unleashed from your chest as you let out a hefty laugh mid-inhale, “Bitch-”
“What? I’m being so deadass!”
“Fine, what character are you then?” you pry, passing the lit blunt back over to Ellie.
Taking a hit she replies, “I guess I’d be graham.”
“And what does she do?”
“I’m kinda like your awakening in a sense. Graham is all gay and cool, and of course Megan—that's you—totally falls for her.” 
You retrieve the lit cannabis and roll your eyes, “I haven’t fallen for you yet Williams.”
“Yet.” she emphasizes, placing a soft finger to the tip of your nose tauntingly.
“Ha. Ha.” you monotonously mock, “Now here, I think it’s done.” You hand Ellie the roach and she promptly stubs it out into the concrete slab deck.
“Come on, let’s go inside. I’m fucking cold.” she pleas.
“Dude I’m scared. Like I am way too fucked up for this.”
“No, no– I promise you’re fine. I’ll protect you.” 
“Fineee.” you drag out.
December 31st, 11:50pm:
Things were seemingly fine as you and Ellie entered the muggy living area of the packed house once more. Your hesitancy was quite clear though and Ellie could sense you needed just a little reassurance. Your right hand, currently picking away at the hangnail on the thumb of your left, was quickly captured by Ellies own rough hand which led you back to your comfortable spot on the ascending stair set.
As you both took a seat your grip remained tight on the girl, afraid that if you let go you might jump up from your spot right then and there just to give Jax one more lesson. Just the sight of him through the slats of the stairs’ wooden railing—legs casually spread wide and eyes focused in on a casual game of Mortal Kombat—drove you fucking crazy. 
“Dude if you keep staring like that you might actually burn a hole through his dumb ass T-shirt.” Ellie said, nudging your tensed shoulder.
“Good it’s ugly anyways.”
“Fair point.”
“I just have this burning need to get back at him. I wanna beat his ass just like in that game he can’t take his eyes off.”
Ellie rolled her eyes, “Very funny, but you wouldn’t hurt a fly.”
“Oh yeah?” you questioned before laying a soft punch to the girl's forearm. A string of dramatic “Ows” reverberated from her lips. “See, I’m a badass right?”
“Fine you’re a total badass” she agreed begrudgingly, rubbing the soft tissue of her arm where you had left your mark. 
“What? It hurt that bad? You need me to kiss it better?” you taunted. 
“Maybe I do.” she said, longing eyes staring into your own. 
You gulped down any hesitation and felt it drop straight to your nervous stomach, “Where does it hurt?”
Ellie pointed to her arm slowly, “here.”
You placed a soft peck.
Hot breath raising goosebumps to the surface of her skin, “and here”, she gestured to her outstretched neck
Another supple kiss.
“And um-” she continued, but was quickly cut off and brought back to reality with the bellowing sound of a countdown. Too caught up in the moment, you both had almost forgotten about the holiday currently taking place.
FIVE… FOUR… THREE… TWO…
“Can I kiss you?” she blurted frantically, and with no words you dove into her plump, chapped lips. Just like a puzzle piece your bottom lip slotted perfectly between her own. It was a gentle and delicate kiss at first, drinking in the euphoric moment. Quickly though, soft maneuvers of the mouth got quicker and harder. Spit was exchanged with passion and need, as your hands were becoming grabby at the girl's toned figure. The heat growing between your legs was an easy distraction from the fact that you were at a large party, in a hick town, with your ex-boyfriend now hovering over your more than friendly exchange.
January 1st, 12:01am:
“The fuck? You’re a dyke now?” he yells, practically loud enough for the whole party to hear. You and Ellie frantically pull apart, bumping heads in the process.
The calloused hands that were once caressing the small of your back are now balled into tight fists as Ellie rises from her seated position.
“The fuck did you just say?” she questions, tilting her head to the right.
You now stand up with her, worried where this might go, “Jax you need to walk away.”
“Oh shut up slut. You’re so fucking desperate you’d do it with anyone!” 
That one hurt. That was the tipping point. Tears welled in your eyes. 
“I’M NOT A FUCKING SLUT! I’M GAY AND NEVER LIKED YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE!”
“You need to leave now before I do something I’ll regret, you dirty bitch.” he threatens. And that's it, Ellie takes a swing aiming straight for his nose. Her fist retracts and reveals his bloody and now crooked cartilage. Through clenched teeth Jax grips onto Ellies white tank, throwing her into the open space of the living room. Just like a car crash, it’s one of those things where a scene can be so disturbing but you just can’t look away. And everyone else in the room was feeling it too—backed into corners, hands over mouths, some men even obnoxiously chanting “fight, fight.” But this isn’t what you wanted. Not at all.
“STOP! YOU NEED TO FUCKING STOP IT!” you screamed desperately. You didn’t even want to imagine what Jax would do to the freckled girl who changed your life in mere hours. But you didn’t have to, because here they were, brawling it out for the whole school. Jax swung at Ellie’s head to which she ducked before jabbing him in the stomach, stealing whatever air was swimming in his lungs. He stumbled backwards 3 steps, coughing through the hit, but this just made him angrier.
He charged back at the flustered girl with more force and gained a grip on a wad of choppy auburn hair. With a forceful yank she came tumbling to the ground with him on top. Ellie wriggled, pushed, and kicked but the sheer weight of the furious man was enough to keep her pinned. Jax began punching left and right, capturing her face with each blow. Thick crimson decorated his knuckles and the entirety of the girl's face. You could barely make out her litter of freckles and the half-lidded slits of emerald green—it was blood, all blood.
But as Jax kept on going, and the room grew quieter, this fight turned into something much more serious. It was inching on life or death and you had to do something. You surveyed the room, eyes dancing from counter to counter until a large glass beer bottle nagged at the tips of your fingers. Grabbing it tightly in your fist, you did what you had to to end this. Glass and gasps scattered through the room. The sharp brown shards littered the floor and evoked a gushing red stream from the back of Jax’s head. He instantly rolled to the side leaving Ellie an opening to escape. You weren’t done yet though, he hadn’t gotten what he deserved yet. Falling to the floor right at his body, hot tears streamed down your face.
Through curses and screams you thrashed at the man's barely conscious frame, “FUCK YOU JAX! FUCK YOU!” This was for every time he made you feel stupid, for making you feel like the ugliest girl in the room, for all the times he kissed you while you just prayed for it to be over, for making your life a living hell. With each scratch, punch, and kick all the pent up anger and resentment drained from your soul. Ellie let you have at him for a bit but as the crowd started to thin she knew the cops would be here any second now.
“Come on! We gotta go hun!” she nagged. 
“NO I CAN’T! NOT YET” you yelled, collapsing down into tears. Ellie promptly scooped you up by your armpits and dragged you from Jax’s limp body.
“I know baby, you're angry, it’s hard. But the cops are coming and we need to leave now.” she said, picking you up completely and carrying you through the frame of the propped open front door. You nestled your head into her bloody top as your chest still rapidly rose up and down, choking on the last few streams of tears and snot. “I’m gonna get you home love, don’t you worry.”
January 1st, 12:15am:
Finally through the small window of Ellie’s red truck you spot your familiar 2 story home. She grips the steering wheel, whipping to the right into the empty driveway. Of course she helps you inside and up to your quaint little bedroom. It felt weird almost—so quiet and still after such a chaotic night—and void of any life but you and the freckled faced girl. It was a cold feeling knowing you’d be all alone in just a few minutes, and tonight, you weren’t sure if that was a feeling you wanted to know.
“Els?”
“Yeah?” she answered softly. 
“Can you stay?”
With a kiss to the head she agreed, “Of course I’ll stay.” The rest of the night was spent cuddled up under your warm comforter, and despite all the events from just hours before, you felt safe. And for once, in fucking years, you were content.
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✄ - - - -   masterlist   - - - -   ♡
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taglist...
@endureher @gold-dustwomxn @alexpritch @4rt3m1ss @robinismywifee @sophlovesbooks @97cityy
(taglist is for all callmelola111 works, if you'd like to be removed just kindly lmk)
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fereldanwench · 2 months ago
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A Personal, and Final, Reflection on A Certain Fandom
Having spent the past week and a half away from the Tumblr side of the C*b*rp*nk community after a resurgence of old wank (not hashing out the details–IYKYK), I heavily weighed the pros and cons of saying anything else. Ultimately, I decided for my own peace of mind and ability to fully move forward, I do want to say a few things (or a lot of things, given how long this is). This blog is my personal archive first and foremost, and I think writing a “final chapter” will help me find closure. I’m also choosing to publish this because, at the risk of sounding presumptuous, I think my mistakes and subsequent revelations might be good learning experiences for others, too. 
Like many of us, just by the nature of when this game was released, I entered this fandom during a very fragile, tumultuous time in my life–Well, sort of, let me back it up a little: I actually initially entered it during a great time in my life. It was July 2021, I had just enjoyed about 6 weeks off from work after quitting a demanding job that had sucked the life out of me for almost 10 years, and I had started a promising new job. I even bought the game with the first paycheck from said new job!
Unfortunately, while I had been told that this position was temp-to-hire, not only was it not a path to a permanent role, but because I completed all the work in my contract over a month sooner than they anticipated (early September vs late October), I was being let go early because they had nothing else for me to work on. I was literally told over the phone, “You did amazing work, you got us caught up through November, but we don’t have anything else for you.”
Cue about 6 months of recruiters ghosting me, exhausting interview processes, demoralizing rejections, and scam upon scam upon scam, all culminating in me returning to the job I had been so happy to leave a year earlier. And while my old coworkers were ecstatic to have me back, I couldn’t help but feel like a complete failure. I took what I thought was a calculated risk, I thought I could do something better for myself, and I couldn’t. It’s something I’m still struggling with today, honestly.
On top of this, I also experienced a debilitating physical health episode in January 2022 which led to me being effectively bedridden for about 3 weeks. [CW: Menstruation, sexual health] I’m not sure of the exact cause–maybe a bad reaction to emergency contraception, maybe unsafe menstrual underwear, but it resulted in menorrhagia so severe I fainted from blood loss. My insurance had literally just ended, another wave of COVID was hitting, and I didn’t want to risk getting infected sitting in an ER for hours only to rack up a few thousand in debt to get a blood transfusion. So rest, iron supplements, and lots of meat and spinach and orange juice was the best I could do.
All of this led to my world becoming very small. I wasn’t working, I could barely do my hobbies or see my local friends, and simple everyday tasks like showering drained me of all my energy. When I was stuck in bed and could barely keep my eyes open for more than a few hours at a time, gossip was a welcome, low-effort distraction from the physical pain and fear that I might either have to put myself in thousands of dollars of medical debt or risk lifelong damage (or worse) from the blood loss.
I also found myself having groups of friends in a way I’ve never experienced before. I’m extremely introverted (even online, though less so than IRL), I have social anxiety, and the handful of times I have been “in” a group I was never really in it. I was always on the outskirts and usually just close to one or two people, max.
Regretfully, this set the stage for me to get caught up in the culture of rumors and speculation that permeates this fandom more than I think it has any other fandom I’ve been a part of.
Academically, I know about things like groupthink and tribalism, and I could see how those influenced the groups developing in the fandom, but I had no direct, personal experience with those phenomena. I think in conjunction with the other struggles I was dealing with, I ended up being incredibly susceptible to an us-versus-them mentality, which led me to feel justified in being unkind to people I knew had been unkind to my friends, even if deep down I knew what I was doing was antithetical to who I strive to be. 
I don’t share any of this for sympathy points or to smear anyone else or to avoid accountability–I still chose to act like an ass on a couple of occasions, and regardless of what I was going through, that was still inappropriate. I’m still responsible for my own behavior no matter what’s going on. 
But I do want to contextualize my fuck-ups for two reasons:
The first reason is ego-driven, full-stop. Not even gonna gloss it over. I can’t defend being an asshole nor do I want to, but I think it’s normal and healthy to look back on your mistakes and go, damn, why the hell was I acting like this? 
Even on my best days, I can be very stubborn and self-important and pedantic and judgemental, and I certainly can’t say that I’ve never inadvertently offended someone–Sometimes a joke might not land as I hoped. Sometimes I get tangled up in my own thoughts, burdened by an excess of nuance and details, and I express things poorly while I try to account for all sides of things. Sometimes I can get a little too opinionated about blorbo stuff. Sometimes there might just be a full communication breakdown or an insurmountable personality clash–But I can also confidently say that I have acted with good intentions in this fandom far, far more than I have with spite or because of petty rivalries.
And when I did get caught up in the drama and gossip and the wank? I was literally at the lowest point I’d been in a very, very long time. 
Again, because I feel like I can’t say this enough, that doesn’t make acting like a dick in a Discord server any more excusable, that doesn’t mean I didn’t hurt anyone, and that doesn’t mean that someone I hurt during that time has to forgive me or stick around for me to grow. Hurting someone because you’re hurting is still not okay. But I’m pretty sure every single one of us has had a bad day (or two or three or 365 or–) and made an isolated bad decision (or two or three or–) because of it–None of us deserve to be wholly defined by those moments or denied a chance to learn from those mistakes and be better.
And I think the most important takeaway for me personally is that I have learned from these mistakes and I have not repeated them. Some of these mistakes even helped me realize that I needed professional support for my mental health, and they played a role in my seeking medication and therapy last year. I still have a lot of work to do, but the silver lining to all of this is that I am in a much better place today than I was 2 years ago (even if this year also fucking sucks for non-fandom reasons and I would still very much like a goddamn break.)
The other reason I wanted to share my journey of navel-gazing and healing a wounded ego ~*self-discovery*~ is I think there’s a very good chance my story might sound familiar to others in the fandom. Maybe someone else can learn from my hardships and mistakes, too. Maybe you too were dealing with chronic fatigue or mental health issues or financial stress or isolation or all of the above and then some, and it led you to fixate on things that were harmful to you, to form unhealthy relationships with equally hurt people, and to act in a way that you know doesn't reflect who you are. The past several years have been so hard on so many of us, and I think we’ve all brought a lot of pain and misery into the community even if we weren’t trying to.
A somewhat shameful realization I had last year was I could recognize that kind of behavior in other people, but I completely missed it in myself. I could see how people were making this fandom their whole world and how it was so damaging to them, but I was doing the exact same thing and I just let it go completely unchecked because I thought I knew better. It was a brutal lesson in the pitfalls of pride. 
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So I was initially thinking at this point, I would take the time to address a few specific lies, rumors, and insinuations that have been said about me over the past couple of years. Because while I was a jerk in a couple of situations, most of the things said about me are exaggerations, if not outright fabrications.
And I did start writing a lot of that out, but as I was doing it, I was just overcome with a huge feeling of OH MY GOD I just don’t fucking care anymore. As one of my dear, long-time fandom friends has pointed out, there’s a great line about just this kind of thing from one of my favorite characters in one of my favorite games: “Why should it [bother me]? They don’t know me. I know me.”
I also really don’t want to run the risk of pulling anyone back into the fray (especially if they’re not even in the fandom anymore or if we’ve talked privately about certain issues) by even alluding to shit that happened years ago.
Instead, I would like to offer three of my big takeaways from the experience of being falsely accused of awful things:
You do not know nearly as much as you think you know about people’s fandom relationships. The one semi-specific thing I will mention is that I had been explicitly named a few times as being in cahoots with people I don’t think I ever even spoke to or that I had already drifted away from–Just because you saw two people existing in the same public space doesn’t mean they’re besties, bestie. Also, friends don’t always have to agree with each other, nor should we be expected to participate in a public spectacle of shaming if we do have a disagreement. People are allowed to resolve their differences privately.  
Not all conflicts/disagreements are inherently abusive or toxic. When you are hurting or dealing with unresolved trauma or starting to confront uncomfortable truths about yourself, the slightest disagreement can feel like a personal attack, but that doesn’t mean it is. Sometimes differences might be irreconcilable, but sometimes they might not be if you don’t automatically assume the worst of someone with a different perspective than you. Sometimes we just need to give the other person a little grace and the benefit of the doubt that they’re doing their best. And sometimes we might need to consider that it’s actually our own behavior driving the conflict and not the other person.
Even in situations when someone has clearly been unfairly targeted/victimized, that doesn’t mean they can’t also be a perpetrator of harassment/abuse to someone else. Victim and abuser are not mutually exclusive roles. I would wager a lot of us are familiar with the cyclical nature of abuse, and to quote a line from one of my favorite movies (admittedly a bit of a flippant line in the context of the film, but it still rings true): hurt people hurt people. Accountability for shitty behavior is never conditional, regardless of the pain we’re experiencing. 
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I titled this my final reflection, and I want to clarify what that means:
First of all, I’m not leaving this fandom (don’t everyone clap at once ha ha ha). I’ve been in various online fandoms since the early 00s, and while this has been one of the more challenging communities for me to navigate, it’s not enough to make me give up something I love this much. My blorbos are my perpetual muses, and I feel like virtual photography is the creative outlet I’ve been searching for my entire life. I love this game and hobby too much to stop creating and sharing.
I’m also not leaving Tumblr. While I’ve had this specific account since 2016, I’ve been here since 2010–Tumblr is not just this fandom for me. I have many friends (some I’ve known since my original account in 2010!) from other fandoms, and I’m not losing the best place to hang out with other people who are special to me just because one fandom got a little unpleasant. (I mean, look, I weathered the DA fandom here circa 2012-2015–This ain’t my first rodeo.) I also have a lot of hope for the Tumblr Communities feature, and I’m really hoping the VP community we’ve set up can continue to grow and flourish.
But I am no longer addressing any of this wank. If you have a problem with something I’ve done or said to you and you want to address it with me directly (preferably in a private space just so we don’t keep putting this shit on people’s dashboards), I am open to conversation and apologizing where needed.
Otherwise, this is the last time I’m talking about it anywhere. Tumblr, Twitter, Discord, publicly, privately–I’m done. I’m washing my hands of it. I don’t want to hear anything else about what other people have done or who they’re friends with or who they’re following or what they’re saying about me or my friends or any of it. This bullshit has taken up too much of my time and energy, and I have very important smutty shots to take. 
And I am probably going to continue to be less active in the fandom on Tumblr, at least for a while. You probably won’t see me here much until September at the earliest. This time away has been really good for me, and I think I need to continue with limited Tumblring and making the time I am here more structured. Plus, with some of my other fave video game series returning this fall, my blog will probably shift back to a more well-balanced multi-fandom space. 
I’m also going to need to diversify my dash a little bit more, which means I will likely end up unfollowing some mutuals, particularly if we don’t interact often, if you don’t tag, or if I see any mention of fandom drama–It’s nothing personal, but I know breaking mutualship can hurt a little, so if following me after that makes you uncomfortable in any way, please don’t feel like you have to stick around. I totally get it. Similarly, if it would make you uncomfortable for me to continue to interact with your posts after unfollowing (because I probably will if you post in certain tags), please feel free to block me. 
Okay. Christ, that was long. Shut the fuck up already, right? This is why I can't do social media with character limits. ghdfjgjhkfdgkfdg
Seriously, though, that's it. People are welcome to comment on this post if they want, but I really have nothing else to say about any of this so please don’t be offended if I don’t reply. I’m not ignoring you, I’m just… Well, done.
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sincerely-sofie · 5 months ago
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I saw your tag about meeting your boyfriend because of posting on Tumblr and I'm very curious as to how that happened. Like, did you find each other's blogs, saw you had stuff in common and met up IRL? What happened? Please give us details (if you're willing to talk about it, no worries if not!)
Also, for a boyfriend tag, may I suggest... Calcium. Cuz you're a skeleton and calcium makes bones stronger... I'll see myself out
(Referencing the tags of this post)
Oh my gosh. Buddy you have just opened up Pandora’s box. Brace yourself for the most adorable couple origin story ever.
He followed me fairly early on into the process of me posting my work on Tumblr. I don’t remember exactly, but I think my TPiaG mini comic “Heart-to-Heartbreak” was the first post he ever reblogged from me. After that, he was super enthusiastic and involved with my blog and engaged with basically every post I ever made. This guy was one of THE followers of my work— if I posted something, he was always there to like it and share super thoughtful commentary or hilarious jokes.
I absolutely adored him even back then, and we had barely exchanged a handful of messages on Tumblr where he thanked me for inspiring him to get back into art and writing, and I blubbered about how meaningful that was to me. We eventually followed each other on Spotify and I think that’s about the point when I really should have realized I had it bad for him. I was CONSTANTLY rambling to my mom about how much I wanted to be this internet stranger’s best friend, but I was super hesitant because our family has been huge on online stranger danger and never really talking to anyone unless you know exactly who they are in real life. I’m an adult and all, yeah, but I was still super anxious about internet strangers at large— though he never once made me uncomfortable or wary :>
Eventually, he made a goofy post about it being his birthday, and I bolted to tell my mom about that and how I didn’t have enough time that day to polish up any content of his favorite characters I’ve written and post it as a gift for him. I was utterly distraught and pretty much full-on monologuing to my ever-so patient mother about how much I wanted to befriend this man and how amazing he was and how shy I felt about the matter, and she looked me dead in the eyes and told me to ask him if he wanted to message each other more and get to know each other better.
I sent him a message over Tumblr, we exchanged Discord usernames, and I’m pretty sure it was just over a week of messaging and getting to know each other more and more every day later when he told me he thought he was in love with me— to which I very eloquently rattled off a bunch of nonsense that ended in “I don’t know how to communicate this other than by saying ‘dude, same’.”
After that, we’ve only gotten more and more mutually obsessed. Thankfully he’s in the same country as me, and we’re even timezone neighbors, so he’s not on the opposite side of the world— and when I realized some of my household were going on a trip to the same state where he lived for a family wedding, I SCRAMBLED to insert myself into that trip last-minute. We had originally thought that we’d meet up when he could drive to my state (a process that would take a long time because of some complicating factors), but when I realized my family were flying down there, I was practically foaming at the mouth with the thought of seeing him so much sooner. We met up not that long ago and were even able to meet some of each other’s family members (my family absolutely adores him, and I think his likes me a fair bit too, hehe). But listen: when I tell you I adored him before, I was absolutely head-over-heels for him when we met in person. I got to hug him and I had this thought come to mind of “Oh. This is the person I want to marry.” And I’ve never once doubted it :>
During the times we met up we mostly sat around and basked in each other’s presence and stared at each other. I ended up breaking eye contact a lot because I kept getting flustered and also because this man is TALL and I had to periodically rest my neck 😂 I was able to give him some pins I had made of our PMD team that represents us, and my boyfriend. My boyfriend, you guys. He had the gall to send me a screenshot of an eBay listing of the world’s most adorable Snorlax plush weeks before while we were on a call together, bought it immediately after I had said I loved the plush’s face as we hung up, and then GAVE ME IT WHEN WE MET UP.
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Look at him. That’s my son now. I was trying to think of what to name the little guy when my toddler niece dubbed him Tummy. My boyfriend approves of the monicker— as he should, because it’s the bestest name for the bestest boy.
TL;DR— He followed me on tumblr, I desperately wanted to be friends with him and sent him my Discord username on his birthday, we exchanged “I love you”s a week later, and I was almost sick on a plane because I was so excited to see him during a trip to his state for a family member’s wedding. We are absolutely obsessed with each other and kind of instantly Knew from the get-go that we’re going to be each other’s Person™️.
As for the tag, I'm not sure I’ll go with it but I’m starting to consider “The Boyfriend Bird Feeder”, because it works out to the acronym BFBF which I find funny, I mainly want to make the tag as a way for him to easily find posts where I’m talking about how amazing he is whenever he needs a pick-me-up (and so people can block the tag if they find me raving about my man so much annoying lol), and his persona that we spent all day yesterday cooking up looks like this:
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archeolatry · 1 month ago
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Sparkstember Day 30: Whatever
51 weeks ago I became a Sparks fan very literally overnight, and it has been the best-slash-worst exercise in grief.
This is difficult to write about without both trauma dumping and giving away too much IRL info and/or some autobiographical details; but I also wanted to put it here because I know there are other people who’ll read it and “get it” better than others.
(Felt emotional, might delete later.)
1. A friend of mine died about five years ago. Put simply, he was one of the best, kindest humans on the planet. He was the tireless champion of people and things he felt had gone unrecognized or underappreciated. And he was the kind of stalwart believer that would keep gently nudging you until you Got It. He was also an enormous Sparks fan, and had been since the 70s. He saw them play in rooms of 500 to theaters of 7000 and everything in between. He was there for every night of 21x21. When they were in town, he’d buy extra tickets for friends on the promise that they’d attend the show. More than just being stubborn, he had the patience of a ninja.
He died 12 days after I returned home to LA for good, while I was still readjusting to driving and air conditioning and Pacific Standard Time.
He was spared the horrors of the pandemic, and January 6th, and the three days of collective sphincter-clenching before Joe Biden was announced as the winner of the election. He never got to see The Sparks Brothers or Annette, or see his favorite band headline at the Hollywood Bowl- all after a comeback that even he couldn’t have anticipated.
2. I had resisted the charms of Sparks for a long time, in what I can only describe as an Austenesque series of missed steps and false starts. Being enticed by hearing Lil’ Beethoven over the speakers while working at Famous Arthouse Theater but being told I couldn’t borrow it and being given Balls to borrow instead (which probably set me back a decade). The fact that around 2004 the clearance bin at Amoeba was full of copies of both Plagarism and Gratuitous Sax… at between $1 and $5 apiece. The music industry environment that I “grew up in” leading me to mistake their thumbing their noses at genre for dilettantism. Their daunting discography. The fact that I could almost never take him up on one of those free tickets because I was working two jobs to stay afloat and couldn’t afford too many nights off.
Similarly, there was a lot about my grief that I couldn’t process. I had culture shock upon re-entry. Then there was the pandemic. There was processing my ADHD diagnosis at 38 and mourning all the potential lost in those unfocused years. There were family issues and found family struggles. Outlets of joy and creativity either being postponed or canceled altogether. All of it just sort of coalesced into a sort of flavorless blancmange of inertia and ennui.
I would think about him at certain times of the year and feel the most crushing sadness. Not only for his loss, but that of the community he’d built and welcomed so many into. One full of people as passionate and nerdy and pop-culturally omnivorous as he was.
In both cases, there was always something in the way.
3. It took over a decade of his friendship, a two and a half hour documentary that made me say “Huh, so Sparks aren’t just one slammin’ electropop album and then a bunch of new wave dork music?”, and a microdose of a mind-altering substance, but I finally got it. Overnight, even. One could argue it was the drugs, but those wore off a year ago and I still love this damn band. I love that they were able to give me the excitement of discovery again; of finding a new album or artist that wasn’t spat out by an algorithm but by certified word of mouth (even if it had to come via Edgar Wright). I thought I’d lost that somewhere around age 30.
Patient as stone, he’d managed to keep nudging me until I Got It from beyond the grave.
I can’t say how many times in this past year I’ve cried, or how often I wished I could call or email him after listening to an album. I don’t think I’ll ever know his favorite Sparks song. We’ll never get to argue about our top 5 albums and why we ranked them the way we did. (I think if he were still around he might even be able to convince me that Balls is Decent, Actually.)
I held onto that grief for so long without confronting it. And for better or worse, I’ve kinda been forced to. There’s never going to be anything Sparks for me without the echo of him around it. But little by little —album by album or even song by song— I’ve managed to process it. And if I’m lucky, I can transform it.
4. I joke that Sparks are my emotional support septuagenarian art-pop duo, and they are. They’re my bridge to the friend I never got to say Hello to before he was gone. But more than that, they’re also a bridge back to when I was 25 and downloading obscure 60s albums off of newsgroups because the bands were Sunset Strip scenesters. Of educating myself on film through Famous Arthouse and the video store next to it that gave our staff free rentals. Russell mentioning Sky Saxon and reminding me that I haven’t listened to The Seeds’ self-titled album in at least a decade; finding it on the external hard drive I’d downloaded it to and listening to it with new ears. Hearing Ron talk about film and remembering that, for as much Kurosawa as I’ve seen, I’ve never actually sat down to watch all three-plus hours of Seven Samurai. That I actually have a list of movies to see to that I’ve been neglecting for Who Knows How Long that I should probably get to crossing off. Reminding myself to take in more art and less content; consuming more slow media but not being a hifalutin jerk who can’t enjoy something silly or bingeable. Or, put simply: patience.
It is, perhaps, a little bit like joy.
Thanks fellas.
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bitchlessdino · 1 year ago
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3K Follower StayCation!!!
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Happy summer everyone! I hit my 3k mile sometime ago and was so caught up w my personal projects I’ve been doing and irl things but beginning of July to the 14th 0:00 cst I will be taking on requests and answering Q&A!!! While it is still hot out I'd love to interact more with you guys for this milestone and I thank you all that have joined me up until now. I still have many requests I need to get to if I'm being honest, but i will working those along with these new requests. Many of my posts will be queued and as I've mention, requests will be accepted until the 14th of July. Please follow the guidelines I have on my navigation pinned on my page. Afterwards I'll be on actual vacation! Hence staycation for now! I'll be away at my home country for roughly a month with limited internet and requests I haven't finished or gotten to will be handled after then. I will try my best to complete as many until then. My asks will include but not be limited to the following:
Drabbles/one-shots at a 3k max word count (if you provide details it would help that it stays at a paragraph and please be clear what genre you would like angst, fluff, smut, or all the above💕) please do not be offended if some fics are longer than others, creative processes and products will all come with varying results
Most to least requests (ex: MTL to walk around naked at home 🤷🏻‍♀️)
Playlist requests (give me a song and member and I’ll write a drabble OR you can ask me to give me a number and I’ll shuffle that many times in my liked songs and write smth based on that!)
My innermost secrets (including smut thoughts Ig lol)
Questions regarding previous fics and new fics (including sneak peaks)
Besides these, other ways to support me is my KOFI! You can always send a request or special note there and I'll happily shout you out. If you haven't already done this and would like to be tagged on future posts, please click on this link for my taglist. I am so excited to get started on there. Thank you again everyone! No words can explain how grateful I am for such a big community. Seeing everyone enjoy what put I put out into the hellscape here is such a delight. Now that my working period has ended, I have a lot more time my favorite things done. So everyone sit back, drink responsibly--preferably in nice weather--and enjoy as i put out more content for you guys.
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chounaifu · 1 year ago
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I’m really glad that those asks I sent out are being well-received. There’s still a few more that I need to write up, but, I’m pacing myself. :’)
Thoughts about my own current state beneath the cut, since my therapist always encourages me to open up to the people in my space. Some of it can be potentially triggering, so, please do not open if the discussion of trauma, stalking and abuse is harmful to you:
I’ve been vocal about the horrifying, traumatic stuff that caused me to leave the RPC in 2017, to a few of you before. Without going into deep detail, between the years of 2017-2021, I was trapped in an extremely, extremely abusive relationship with a member of the RPC who is no longer here, thank fuck. Because of my poor coping skills and extremely fragile mental health at the time, he managed to keep me in a social isolation until I finally left him in 2021. And I mean true social isolation; I wasn’t allowed to talk to anybody but him. (I literally had to lie and pretend like I was having internet troubles if I even wanted to open up another chat box on Discord to talk to somebody, because he would literally point out the amount of minutes it took for me to respond to him.) He tracked my location in real time with GPS. He controlled what I ate when we spent time together irl. He forced me to quit one of my jobs before, because he wasn’t pleased with how busy I was. Any free time I had, had to be given to him. I had no identity, no autonomy, no sense of self.
Since I left him in 2021, I’ve been in a long process of learning how to be a human being again, how to exist around multiple people, and how to monitor my energy levels. It’s been hard, and, there’s a lot of times where I have to learn that I am adapting to an entirely new way of life. I used to be able to write a lot of thread replies, ask replies, and drabbles in a short period of time, but, my brain just does not do that anymore. And it makes me sad, but, I know that my RP partners understand my situation.
I cannot emphasis how much going from *one* person to— well, a lot of good friends has been good for me, but also a difficult experience in itself, because I’m still fighting with my own hypersensitivity and paranoia.
Choosing to come back here was one of the scariest decisions I have ever made. And, even though I don’t vocalize it, I actively fight trauma responses every single time I open Tumblr— not because anybody is doing anything to me, but because the experience I went through was so deep.
That’s why I’ve been trying to take a minute to sit down, and send some nice words to everybody. You never know what somebody is going through. *Nobody* knew what I was going through, because I hid it so well— because I was forced to. We’re all human beings, on this rock, and we all chose to sit here and write, whether because it is a coping mechanism, something we’re passionate about, or because it’s simply fun. And I think that’s really, really beautiful.
I don’t think I’m ever going to be the same, energetic Rex that I once was. And I wish I could be. But that is okay.
So, for the people who welcomed me back, and remembered me: thank you for accepting my return, and accepting my apology.
And for the people who didn’t know me, who have become my friend lately: thank you for giving me a chance.
I’ve lost a lot of people, both friends and family, in the past decade or so. Nobody can fill those gaps, but, you guys make me feel a lot less lonely. Believe it or not, I don’t have many friends irl, and I really don’t know what I would be doing with myself right now if I hadn’t chosen to come back to Tumblr.
I wish there was more I could do to help uplift everybody who has been having a difficult time lately, I really, really do. But, at the end of the day, I cannot; what I can do, is point out that there’s at least *one* person out there who wants to see the best happen for you.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I just want to be a good person, despite of the horrible things I was called by my abuser, and I hope I am doing that.
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perexcri · 2 years ago
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to hell and back again now exists as a physical object!
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(cat for size comparison )
hello hello!! i’m here for an official post to brag about @chubsonthemoon, a dear and lovely friend/hamster/beautiful fic writer and binder/Sandman zine contributor(!!!) who recently bound To Hell and Back Again as a present 💜
chubs is a dear irl friend and is (as i said in my final a/n for thaba) quite literally the only reason i ever started reading or writing fic in the first place. we’ve become good friends over the past couple of years, and i’ve loved being able to embrace these aspects of fandom that i never allowed myself to when i was younger (for many reasons, but that’s another story), and it’s really all thanks to them.
so without further ado, here are some pics of their lovely work!! they’re going to be making their own post about it later, so i’ll be reblogging that here and linking to it in this post as well, because they’ll have far more cool details to explain about the actual binding process than i could never articulate (they literally sent me a full video explaining so many things and i responded with something to the effect of “and the way you did that binding thing - i think you said it was German??” and “wOAh tHE edgEs”, so).
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so, first of all: the covers!! @byierficrecs​ was very kind to make such a lovely graphic for this fic, and he was especially kind to let chubs use it for the actual cover!! i know most people in the fandom seem to already know about Angel and the lovely work he does, but if you haven’t checked out his work, please go give it some love~ (the original thaba graphic can be found here!!)
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the spine, with chubs’ lovely little maker’s mark :D
(and if i rearranged my bookshelf just so i could put it between all of my R. F. Kuang books then that is my business alone)
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and tHE EDGES?? i kind of blacked out after i opened the package today so i didn’t notice until about 10 minutes afterwards that they had continued the vines from the graphic onto the edges?? chubs i know i already screamed at you in private but now i get to do it on a public platform so please know i am still freaking out about this
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art!! look at the lovely art!! thanks again to @starsarefire824​ and @itssstarry​ for your lovely work!! i love getting to stare at these pieces regardless, but now i get to hold them in an actual physical form and stare at them heheheh. posts to show them support and/or links to find their work can be found here (for @starsarefire824​) and here (for @itssstarry​)!!
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and finally, here’s it opened to my favorite chapter!! just if anybody wants to see the typsetting :D
thanks again to everybody who contributed to this!! like, yeah, i wrote it, but @chubsonthemoon​ bound it, and @byierficrecs​ designed the cover, and @starsarefire824​ and @itssstarry​ contributed art? idk my brain’s being broken tonight over the fact that people can live in completely different places and all contribute to this thing that now takes up physical space on my bookshelf. i can’t really use my words right now, so here’s a poorly-made meme to express my thoughts instead:
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and especially thanks to you, chubs!! again, you are a wonderful friend, and i’m glad we got to meet each other 💜 bonding over Chris Fleming videos and our shared connections (i’m thinking of cats and giraffes, ofc) has led to some wonderful memories. Louie says hello, btw!! she was sniffing your handiwork very intently heheheh :] 💜💜💜
anyways, i hope you guys enjoy the pics!! please send your love to all the wonderful people who made this possible~
(also!! i would encourage you guys to read chubs’ fanbinding commissions statement, just in case you have any questions, or reach out to them if you want to scream about their amazing work or have questions~)
chubs’ post can be found here!!
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sunny-haven · 1 month ago
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sorry, possibly very hard question- but hypnosis hasn’t been working for me lately. as in i’ve been listening to my usual files, or even new ones, and it just hasn’t clicked anymore. it’s not like i can go ask someone irl to anyway to switch it up. if u can’t give any tips it’s fine i’m just worried like did i break something or??
This is really hard to answer without knowing more information about you, sorry! It could range from something that happened to your life to a shift in your thought process and how you view hypnosis to a change in environment to a change in mood or any number of things. But I will say that you didn't break anything, and hypnosis suddenly not working is something I've definitely seen in the past (and the reason was different for each subject).
If you have a friend who is experienced in hypnosis in some way and are comfortable talking about this with them, I encourage you to do that and go into detail with them, and to take a moment of introspection to see what about you or your situation has changed. And while I unfortunately do not have any hypnotists to recommend, you can do hypnosis online, via text, voice call, or video chat; hypnosis doesn't need to be in person, and you will likely have more success with a live hypnotist than a file anyways, as they will be able to work with whatever issues you have. Obviously, that's up to you, and I recommend you do it only with someone you trust, if you're able to find anyone.
I wish you the best of luck <3
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csa-survivor-confessions · 2 years ago
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Hey there, i hope you’re doing alright :) i wanted to ask something that I’ve been struggling with understanding so i wonder if you have any answers for me on the topic. I hope this isn’t too many details im very sorry if it is.
Tw: mentions of SA and blood
I have memories of something happening when i was about five years old, there was a man who met my guardian and was getting closer to my family when at that time my father wasn’t around, so i was pretty desperate for a father figure. Now i dont remember much, most of it is blocked out and some memories i remembered after 12 years and throughout the process of remembering what happened i struggle a lot with identifying which are real and which aren’t. Basically i only have two kind of clear memories of it happening, and both were when he got me gifts. In one i don’t remember much other than the gift he bought me and then seeing myself and seeing him doing things to me from the side kind of? Like im watching it happen from outside of it, but that’s about it. The second was also when he bought me another gift, (he barely knew me and my guardian apart from a couple encounters yet he kept buying me things and basically acting like a father so idek) i dont remember much from this either apart from him taking me upstairs and then random flashes of things? I remember his hand on my stomach, on my mouth, telling me to be good, then again some flashes of him doing it to me. The thing is, i dont know if any of this is real, because i dont remember bleeding, and i feel like I certainly would have bled at least the first time? And if i had then either me or someone would have noticed, and second, i cant remember any pain at all. Sometimes i do, but it’s not exactly pain as much as it is a numbness. Even now as im writing this i feel breathless and hot all over, this week all these memories and thoughts got worse (it happens to me that for a bit i sort of manage to not think about them then all at once they come back worse than ever before) i feel numb, extremely nauseous for reasons that aren’t physical (i checked already) i feel like my chest is tightening and there’s a numbness in places where i remember things happening and more. Is that normal? Could i be making this feelings up? When someone mentioned almost getting SA’d irl i had the same reaction but i started shaking and sweating and couldn’t calm down for almost 2 hours. Do people have this reaction to mentions of sa as well?
Hello,
I don't see any reason to doubt those memories. They sound like common dissociated memories. These trauma memories often are remembered in the "third person" and not in a full narrative but coming back in bits and pieces. These memories are definitely normal for CSA survivors.
I of course can't tell you what is real or not. But I don't think there is any reason to believe these are completely made-up memories with the information you gave me. Again memories not being cohesive is not a reason to believe they are completely fabricated.
it's likely there is some degree of drift in the memories and they might not be able to tell you too much about the specifics. But trauma memories that are recovered in pieces are often less written over time.
If you experience a lot of body memories, and trauma responses when hearing about the sexual abuse I would say there is something to trust there that there likely was childhood sexual trauma. You can't just make up trauma responses without attempting to. "faking" or "making up" emotions is something that would be intentional. These feelings sound spontaneous. And getting stuck in a thought spiral or having intrusive thoughts don't equate to making up feelings, yes it comes from inside your mind but they are still real feelings.
As for the bleeding, it's not true that people always bled when raped. It's not uncommon but not bleeding doesn't mean it didn't happen or was consensual. It's possible your hymen broke from things as mundane as riding a bicycle.
If you don't have a hymen the same still applies bleeding when raped in the anus is common but not doing so doesn't mean it didn't happen. And it's just not true that someone would have noticed the abuse but that's just not true. Even if you had bled some it's possible people just ignored it. Guardians don't always act as they should when presented with signs of sexual abuse.
Having a numbness in the place you were abused is a common way for bodies to deal with sexual trauma. it's easier to disconnect from the body than to integrate the pain.
Discussions of CSA are a super common trigger for CSA survivors. It doesn't tend to be for me personally, but there are lots of things that can send me to a similar emotional state as you described. And you are not alone in CSA discussions being a trigger.
I can not tell you with certainty anything specific happened that caused these trauma responses. I would just say listen to your body and try and trust yourself. There is no reason to spend all your time fixated on if your memories are completely accurate. You have perfectly good reasons to trust yourself.
Be Blessed,
-Admin 2
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vonkarma2 · 2 years ago
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4 + 14 + 23 + 27 + 34?!
4. How did you find the name for a certain character?
I have the same process pretty much all the time I feel bad bc this is such a fun question or it would be 😞 no ones named after anyone or like has their name chosen based on the meaning actively I just like look up names for the place and time period and pick whichever I think fit the character or I already have a name in mind when I make them. I’m like wondering if there were any exceptions. Oh I did want my character Adam’s name to sound like a pseudonym instead of a regular name right bc he’s an SCP agent type like mysterious or whatever. So I used a stage name generator to find out his last name (Adam I just liked how it sounded + the fact that it was biblical). I also like the last name King bc he is also in a position of authority over the other characters at times so it makes sense I guess. 
14.Which OC/s do you relate to the most?
Kind of embarrassing to answer lol like this has to be at least a little personal. I like actively try to make OCs different from myself so I’m not just projecting onto them yk. Like that would be first of all embarrassing LMAO but second of all it it wouldn’t be very interesting to explore I feel like. In my opinion it’s better to start with something you can understand, but like have layers of complexity that you don’t relate to at all or whatever. I don’t really know. But to answer the question I think I relate to like the 3 main OCs of Rocio Angel and Cirillo the most :P maybe Lucia as well. 
23. Have you ever seen something/someone that looks like one of your characters IRL? What was it like?
I actually haven’t that I can remember like not particularly. I have seen some people sometime where I was like ok I should draw a character’s hair or eyes or etc more like them. Like bc I was trying to draw them a certain way but wasn’t 100 sure how but I’d see someone who looked like them irl and I was like ok ok like that. Ofc Ive seen people with some shared traits, but no one who really looked exactly the same, no one where like I was like omg it’s like seeing them irl yk. 
In terms of seeing people irl that remind me of them though like vibes wise what I have seen is people whose clothing really reminded me of like certain characters. Like not that they would actually wear the same thing because I don’t live in a fantasy world in the 1940s but like that remind me of their personality like that they would wear it yk. One time I was like walking around in a city and saw like 10 people with really nice outfits trying to memorize them all to write them down and draw ocs in them later. I ended up doing one of them but I didn’t like how it turned out 😔
27. What's the nicest thing someone has ever said about an OC/OCs?
This question is so embarrassing I have to admit I remember specific nice things people have said about OCs. I do remember specific nice things people have said though. It is hard to pick like 1 nicest thing. You saying Rocio had autism swag is up there. My irl cousin said a bunch of REALLY nice stuff a while ago she likes reading so it was nice to see her reaction. But like every time anyone has said anything like they like a character’s personality or design or storyline or anything it’s really nice I definitely appreciate it and I will remember it forever <3 
34. What scene that you've written/imagined is your favorite?
That’s a good question. I literally don’t know at all. Bc I don’t have like all the details down for most of the scenes I’m thinking so all the ones I’ve like thought abt vividly just have a cool visual to go with them and that’s abt it. That makes it sound shallow it’s not that it’s just like I like the emotion of the scene and the idea behind it but not really any of the specifics you know. So I feel like if I tried to pick one it wouldn’t be like a nuanced pick it wouldn’t be like because it develops the character in this way yk it’d be like bc it’s the climactic scene where this character almost dies and it’s so cool or something like that. Does that even make sense. 
Ok time to actually answer the question. I wish I had thought of more scenes that like show the dynamics between characters that I like bc my plan with that was to write it in wherever it felt intuitive yk. Like check up on the chastcters’ emotional states to see how they’re reacting to plot events. I just realized as writing this I think I want to have Tiago live for longer. Ok ignore that thats not important ummm I think the only scene I’ve really thought much about along those lines is the one where Cirillo and Laura meet again after a long time. I like the conflict there I like the characters a lot and I think it has the potential to be a very satisfying scene <3. Also maybe like denouement stuff where Rocio is like hi getting back from thr underworld was so annoying anyway sorry for almost ruining your lives and getting you killed. As you can see I haven’t really developed that part of the story yet but I think it’d be cool to see as well
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bolbianddolanhouse · 1 year ago
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GahDam where did the time go?
Hi Tumblr, Palma-sama here.....or if you know my irl name, you know what tf up.
It has come to my attention that I’ve been on this hell-site for 9 years and BOY does that make me feel old. But where have I been for months at a time, I know the fics stopped coming regularly as I usually promise in the tags. Well... I’m a working (semi) professional! If you looked at the tags in the last two updates of my fics, I was going sicko mode on my studies while doing some work-study. Things turned out really well for me and I got a higher position and pay since graduating with my three degrees. Granted, associate degrees BUT they got me my current job and all the other tangent side gigs. I’m a co-professor at the college I graduated from, a hired judge for Speech and Debate competitions and a small business owner. So you can say I’ve been a bit busy. I even changed my icon to one of my favorite graduation pictures. Right now I’m in the process of applying to transfer to finish my bachelors. And the more I pause and think about my past self, the more I’m reminded that I thought I wasn’t ever going to make it this far. I was a bad student and constantly told that I wasn’t worth the resources to help because I wasn’t finishing in the expected 2 years. Guys, it took me 7 YEARS to finish community college! Tumblr was there for me while I was barely skating by in college and beyond. Thankfully, it was a happier ending than predicted!
What does that mean for the fic? Just that it’ll take longer to hash out. I have the whole thing written down in a timeline type format, I just fill out the details on here in 7k-10k words at a time. I hate when authors rush their works to meet the quota or when things take too long, I’m going to release things the way I wanted to. Even if it takes me another 2 years to do so, just ride it out with me! Also thanks for checking in on me every now and then, it makes me feel cared for and that you actually like what I write and it’s not entirely self-indulgent. I started writing to escape my responsibilities, then to hone my writing skills, turned into something to do to keep myself sane during lockdown and now sometimes it’s to fill in the unplanned free time/sleepless nights. Either way, it brings in the anime/manga only crowd every time something fucky happens in the canon. Hello to the new folks and a very loud YEEEERRRR to the day 1 readers. 
Whatever reason you came to my blog for, I just wanted to share my irl accomplishments to justify my months of non-updates. Hope you stick around for a while more. 
Until then!
- Palma-sama 
P.S. My ask is open for any questions! It doesn’t have to be fic related :)
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lizzardtales · 1 year ago
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Blog post 29/05/2023
hokay so life got so busy after submission I only get to sit down and do some art work now. I've done a couple doodles and got a new sticker I've made for work! On payday I'm gonna order up some new frog stickers too, I need to make a couple more designs for the froggy stickers too~ I'm leaning mango and cherries or banana.
Today I wanna start doing the Tox Sculpt I've been wanting to do, maybe some doodles too to keep it fresh. I'll be returning to my game making in a couple weeks as I've not had time to just rest. The pain has been pretty bad this month because I've been so active with IRL work and appointments and such. I did get to go to MCM London which is nice, maybe one day I'll run a stall there!! To do that though I need to produce more physical merch and currently I only really have my stickers. Maybe I'll reboot my ETSY shop once I've made a small inventory.
I got a little distracted over lunch and ended up chatting for an hour, time to get into it! Curse you talking with my friends, ADHD and DIY youtube videos. I started by slapping down the bipedal frame with ZSpheres, they always look a little goofy. I had made a frame prior but I was unhappy with it. After I had laid the base Zspheres down, I turned off symmetry and began altering the ZSpheres, allowing me to pose is asymmetrically and start blocking out some features. I was easily able to build the finer hand details by adjusting the "draw size" of the brush! It is a little fiddly and bulbous at this stage, but shaping will come in time. One of my beardies is going nuts today, all I can hear is her surfing whilst I'm working.
The ZSphere skeleton has been made into an Adaptive Skin using dynaMesh Resolution 96 to preserve the finger shapes. I duplicated it and then I Zremeshed it to help lower the poly count, as it is easier to build shape in lower polys, then subdivide for more detail later on. The fingers are still a little warped, but it's the best option without going into insane detail for just the base. It will do! Time to start building up some shapes. I'm going to start with the hand as its the area I'm most concerned about.
I'm also pretty happy to be blogging my process like this, I found it annoying at university as it does cut into my modeling time - however now I'm doing it optionally its helping me understand and think through the process a little more. Plus I don't need to keep several files on my pc or be very academic about it either, I can just jot down my thoughts post and go.
I've thickened the fingers and started shaping the hand, I'm going to block out the body some more before subdividing. It looks chunky and awful like chewed gum, but refinement will come later.
I'm thinking about making more physical merchandise to sell. I might sit down and make like, an inventory goal, review products I have and how they are made - then think of new products and how to make them. Including some good sellers like prints of existing properties, or nerdy merch like different chibi lizards as different DND classes and stuff.
I've reached a point with this sculpt where I've got a good base shape down. I'm going to pause doing this for now and move onto doing some 2D work.
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