#I'd like to apologize to those who thought this was legit!

[deep-spacediver577]

[emmathemandelaresident]

My final statement on the Kister vs Ven drama.

I have read all of the documents word by word, and initially, I had nothing to say about it, but re-reading all of them again, even Ven's new document before they deleted their Twitter/X account, I now finally got something to say about it.

Just to note, this statement is my full over opinion on the Kister vs Ven situation. I'd love to hear what you overall thing about this drama that had been all going around for nearly a month.

For those who don't know:

On March 12, Alex Kister, the creator of one of the most popular and well known analog horror series, the Mandela Catalogue, as well as his other series called Mystifying Oracle, was accused of predatory behavior by Twitter user STIRRINGJUICE (or Ven). I am not gonna go into too much detail, but the doc mainly states the accused problems Alex did while he had been with them and been friends with other fans.

A week or so later, Alex Kister has made a long response towards the accusations. In the doc, he provided plenty of evidence to justify his claim that overall that the doc Ven made is moreover wrong, but at the same time, he admitted that he had been friends and boyfriend with the fans and even trauma dumped to them. I will tell you, person reading this blog, about my personal opinion on this kind of action Kister has admitted too.

Later on, Ven made a pubic apology about them making the doc and their wording, saying that it is "transmisogynistic" and that what they did to him as an actual person was "excruciating". A day after they posted this apology, they have since deactivated their Twitter/X account, thus possibly putting an end to this drama.

Now that you all know about the history of the Kister vs Ven drama, lemme tell you my final opinion/statement.

When I first heard the allegations, I instantly felt devastated and upset over this and I had thought that Alex Kister was a good being. As a result, I felt some sort of heavy resentment towards the dude, but I never stopped loving his series, the Mandela Catalogue. I still do and I continue to write it (Wattpad is emmathemandelaresident; I digress).

Later, I began to move on and when I saw Alex's response, I was initially unsure of what to say or what to feel about it, but I will admit though, the way he has written the doc and provided much evidence to justify his claim is not really that bad at all.

But lemme tell you my overall opinion with his admitted actions. Being together romantically with a fan is not a great idea at all! These are your FANS that love your work and you should appreciate them, not go too far to be together with them, and ESPECIALLY not trauma dumping towards them! These are people that look up to you and your work, and venting towards them as well as dating them is fucked up in my personal opinion. These actions Alex had are inappropriate and I hope that Alex learned a very important lesson over that!

Overall, I will admit that he proved himself innocent, but I was still skeptical about this, so I continued to have some resentment towards him (though by a little bit).

Then when Ven's document came up, I legit had enough of this shitty drama. I kept asking to myself, when is this gonna end? Then I decided to read their doc. I honestly had no idea who I can trust anymore, cause at this rate, it looks like Alex Kister has won against the allegations in the most impressive way possible.

But I do believe that Ven's actions to get back on the dude and deplatform him was wrong and it should never be taken this kind of way to make an accusatory doc. Also the sentence "I did not expect crew members would leave because of how some of them responded initially" is kinda stupid. Like dude, your document had a WHOLE LOT OF SHIT AND "EVIDENCE" AGAINST KISTER. How could you possibly not expect crew members and actors to leave the Mandela Catalogue!?

I feel like this whole thing should have been kept in private and behind closed doors to avoid any kind of drama and other problems that escalated into something big! This would've been simple and easy, but Kister and Ven didn't do it.

Now just like Alex's response to the situation, I didn't have anything else to say or feel with Ven's new doc. But now I know that what they did was wrong as Alex's admitted actions to his fans.

So overall, I believe that both sides are mainly at fault. Alex's admitted actions are inappropriate and wrong and Ven's "goal" to deplatform the former is abhorrent. Now do I still love the Mandela Catalogue? Of course I do and like I said, I continue to write my crappy fanfic on the series. I believe Ven's decision to delete their Twitter account was good enough considering his actions, but I also think that Alex SHOULD learn something from his actions of dating people who looked up to and venting towards them.

I will continue to be active in the Mandela Catalogue fandom without traces of the drama barging into my brain and my Wattpad life.

But that's all for this giant statement! God, this was a lot to type on my laptop but that's my overall opinion on this Kister vs Ven situation.

I'd love to hear what you think about this drama!

Okay, now time to go sink into a mud puddle.

[poisonedspider]

This is just my 'safe place' (ironic since it's full of demons and sinners haahahaha) so I just need to vent a bit. But I'll put it under a trigger warning for drama, cancel culture, blocking, whining, whatever else you want to say. It is against no one in particular, for the record!

I just hate that I legit have PTSD from Tumblr fandoms. Like. That sounds silly, but it's true - and I can say it's true, as a therapist, because I meet all the criteria. And I've talked to my own therapist about it (which is kind of just....sad me thinks). Like. I am a big believer in this is your space and make it how you want. Curate it how you want. This is a hobby, you owe no one, blah blah. Yet I still always go into full blown panic mode when someone blocks me out of nowhere. Especially when we were either a) having great reactions and nothing out of the ordinary seemed to happen or b) we had yet to interact but wanted to and suddenly...nope.

Like if I didn't have the PTSD behind it, I'd still be sad. I adore writing. I adore storytelling. I want to create with every single person on here. But it wouldn't send me into this absolutely distressing DREAD. The fear the rumors are being spread about me again. (If you ever need/want to know what happened in past fandoms, my inbox is always open, but I can tell you that as of January 2023 so literally a whole ass year ago, the person apologized directly to me *I have every screenshot trust me I made sure to cover my ass so fast* and took down the faked call out). The fear that people still believe those rumors. The fear the people see the name 'Strode' and immediately block because they heard something that was just never true. The fear that I'm going to wake up to anons in my askbox telling me to k*ll myself again, or see the 400+ reblogs of hate against me saying scum like me shouldn't be on this website.

And honestly? Even if that stuff had been true (again, it wasn't, and I'm....so annoyed and hurt by it all but - ) that was still A YEAR AND A HALF AGO. Do people not change? Or are they not given the ability to? Tumblr can be so whack in how it crucifies people and does not allow room for growth. So at the end of the day, it's hard for me to see a block as 'innocent.' It could be ANYTHING. Maybe I post too much ooc. Share too much fanart. Didn't reply in enough time. Who hecking knows, right? It could be literally anything. Hell, maybe I'm interacting with someone they don't want to see. But because of my trauma, it always comes down to fear. Fear of what do people think I did. Why am I the bad guy now. What is going to make me scared to survive in this fandom as well.

This is all very much Benadryl/Mucinex inspired but....I like to share my thoughts. I think it can be helpful for someone to see and be like "I needed to hear this, because I have felt this way too." To realize people aren't alone. Because in October 2022, I felt the loneliest in my life due to 'cancel culture'. To watching my followers drop from 600 something down to 142 (no joke). To realizing I spent some of the last moments I would have with my grandma before she stopped remembering who I was crying about fictional people who suddenly hated me over night.

Sometimes it makes me scared to sleep. Not knowing what I'll wake up to. Not knowing who I'll lose next that I've grown to care about. I guess just know that you all matter to me, more than just a hobby. I see you as friends. I care about your days. And if you were to disappear, I'd be worried sick.

Again, no shame about blocking. But at the end of the day, a 'block' can have a lot more impact than I think people realize.

(Also haaaa the fact that I got an inbox message right as I was typing this and my heartrate peaked so quickly then I saw it was just aracniss like lol for some reason that's hysterical because that brotherly shit WOULD happen just to mess with Angie).

[thengrace]

Hey this is probs stupid but can I be a legit Christian w tattoos?? I know so many who have and Idk if it’s just like the enemy attacking me all the time lol but whenever I am doing great, really offering my life to God etc it seems like I see something that makes me just want to give up on life completely like also I saw when Kat Von D got baptised and people were saying how can she love Jesus when she has that style of whatever idk but yeah I think my point is that I just feel so on fire for God but then something can make me feel so small and so insignificant and makes me think what I’m earth is even the point lol

hi! apologies for how late this is coming.

yes, i do believe you can be a legit christian with tattoos. and you're right, the enemy is attacking you by telling you all these lies. it is a lie that because you have tattoos, you aren't saved. i'm sure you are aware of the discourse around tattoos, but the most important thing is that you are living a life that is honoring to God. the fact that you are concerned about offering your life to God and seeking Him is a great sign that the Holy Spirit is working in you.

God redeems all things, there is no sin that is greater than what Jesus has done on the cross. i have my own thoughts about kat von d, i think it's amazing she got baptized though! it's very common to be on fire for God and then have doubts come, those are so real. we all go through seasons where God feels far away, where our efforts seem in vain, i'm going through that right now, but i'd challenge you to continually seek Him, and remember that the point in all of it is to bring heaven to earth and to become more like Jesus.

[sparxaf]

So today's eps happened.

Welp. My thoughts are all over the place. Enjoy.

No bits. Not even a kiss. Fuck everything. Also I had to sit through not one but two Finn love confessions. I skipped all the previous ones so I can only imagine how tedious it is for those who have basically seen this same scene with him four times now. Also, I was nice to Gabi while she sat there and daydreamed about how things might play out with Suresh if I'm the one dumped. GABI IS A DICKHEAD.

AND WHY DIDN'T I GET ONE ON ONE TIME WITH MY BELOVED LULU? WHY DO YOU HATE US, FUSEBOX? AND NO SHOWER SEX? I WAS PROMISED SHOWER SEX.

Onto the positives (sort of). We got to tell off Meera, Nicolas, and Suresh. I told Suresh I'd never forgive him and want no connection with him ever and he said, "It doesn't get any clearer than that." Yep. And I only had to say it half a dozen times for it to become crystal.

Was Alfie cold for what he did to Meera? Yes. Was it hilarious? Also yes. I legit laughed out loud when he went, "Errrrr." GOLD.

I will say for me, this was one of the most fun eps of the season because Nicolas was hysterically funny to me. When he chastised Kat for believing the lies he spread I almost choked to death on my laugh snort. Though it was a little unsatisfying how happy he was to leave. He's all STICK WITH MY PLAN. Sir, your plan didn't work. You're leaving. You suck and you should feel bad about it.

Anyway, I liked it when Kat said this:

Because all I could hear in my head was this 😂😂😂

God I love that movie.

Ahem. Back to complaining. Could we not with Meera's prolonged goodbye scenes and even longer post dumping scenes where everyone kisses her ass for being so great? Soldiers going off to fight a winless war get less heartfelt, tearful farewells than this salty bitch. For as long as I had to sit through her bullshit (twice) I want the same length of time dedicated to everyone telling MC how wonderful she is and apologizing PROFUSELY, groveling really, for ever doubting her awesomeness. "Sorrrrrry," with abashed face ain't cutting it.

Oh also, when Meera found out she was leaving and Dana asked me what I thought, I chose to say that it changed nothing. Her being there or not didn't make any difference to me. And Dana had the nerve...

Yes. Yes I am. Meera has been nasty to me when I literally did nothing to deserve it. I was nice to her. I told Alfie to choose her. Alfie knows I'm not into him and I haven't spoken to him privately once since he came back with her. I've done everything to get out of their way and in return I was treated like trash by her and no one stood up for me. But now I'm supposed to pretend to be sad that Meera won't be around to insult me or call me a liar or a backstabber? Dana, you can fucking take a long walk off a short pier.

THE GALL. I told everyone that I forgive nothing. I don't forgive Meera. I don't forgive Suresh. I don't forgive Nicolas. I don't forgive any of you dicks. I AM PETTY AND ANGRY. I meant to do a self-righteous, above-it-all angel MC route, but I'm too mad 😂 I told off Meera more than once and it was delightful.

Overall, it was a little emotionally satisfying, but the fun stuff was overshadowed by yet another episode of everyone licking Meera's booty hole. Like when did she make this miracle transformation they're going on about? It seems more like she was always a bitch and she just didn't hide it on her return. We didn't get enough character development from anyone to see an actual transformation.

Oh well.

I will say, these eps inspired a fic idea. One that isn't about Suresh getting kicked in the balls, I mean. I have three of those going already. No, this is something else. I want to finish TSIME first, but I think I'm cooking up something special for S5. Mwhahahahahaaaaa.

I should probably put a read more break somewhere in this, because it's super long, but I'm cramping and don't know where to put it. Let's blame Meera.

[endobiologist]

How is hormone therapy going? I've considered it myself but I'm nervous about it. Can you tell me a little about what its like? :)

Ah, thank you so much for asking!! I appreciate it!!

Well, the experience is really quite vastly different for every person on HRT.

For me, it was one of the best choices I have ever made in my life. I was hopelessly and horribly dysphoric for my whole life to the point of nearly not being able to function (dysphoria coupled with severe mental illnesses is for sure A Bad Time) and I was lucky enough to be able to get on it fairly early, thank God because I probably would not have lasted longer-apologies for that dark subject but it is necessary to mention for how much it turned my life around entirely.

I am still not fully transitioned to my liking per sé, as the full range of Testosterone's complete effects is a maximum of 5 years according to my research. I have been on it for nearly 2 years now. I plan to be on it for the rest of my life if possible, as I'd like all effects to stay forever-- I fucking ADORE every second of it, honestly I'm not afraid of needles either like most are so I literally get ecstatic & excited every time it's time to inject LOL!! Probably a weird reaction but--it legit makes me wanna throw a party every time those 2 weeks pass & it is time to.

(Not all forms of HRT have to be injected however, though it is the "strongest, most evenly distributed form" especially if done every 2 weeks instead of every 1 week,

as my doctor described it, which made me choose it--and coupled w my lack of giving a shit about injecting lmaoo)

I have had a lot of effects, I am also finally growing actual facial hair which is nice-though I learned I prefer my face clean-shaven or at least mostly, which is a hilarious twist tbh as I thought I'd want a full beard. I'm cool with both but I definitely prefer how I look without, so I shave every now & then currently.

My body looks entirely different, at least my shoulders and arms HELLA, I've had strong asf cis men say I'm built better than them which gives me giggle-fits of pridefulness LMAO--im petty ig--

but anyway to get to the true point--I would not be where I am today or perhaps here at all, myself, if I didn't go on it and exactly when I did. I am so extremely grateful for it occurring and that I have access to it at all--I am honestly hardly feeling dysphoria except on Really Bad days when it still hits me. Even things I should be dysphoric about and was in the past, idgaf about now. My chest barely bothers me now, and used to be my personal Hell. I have even decided to not do top surgery in the future which is... really bizarre as I was DESPERATE for it before (however this most-dysphoria-removal effect seems to be rare, so don't expect it to "cure" dysphoria, it didn't for me either but I'd say reduced it by like 90% or something lol. But most don't have that strong of a reaction)

My advice for you and every trans person on the fence about it, would be do a CRAP TON of research, on its every effect, type, etc. and talk to or read about/etc. as many people you can find who can give their opinions on their own experiences-as everyone has a different story!

If it is a "HELL YES" after that, then definitely go through with it. If there is still doubt, I'd wait. There is no rush as you can always decide to begin in the future

Know though, that if you do start it, but wish to stop later,

in some ways there's a "reset button",

but in some ways there is not.

Some effects will reverse if you stop taking T, like the fat & muscle redistribution, etc.

however some will stay, for example any body or facial hair that develops will then grow forever as the follicle is "activated" (male hair is a different subtype of hair, so once it's made it can't be reversed) and etc.

Be aware of which effects do this, and just in general, get as much information you can gather.

This info-gathering also has the added bonus, of impressing TF out of your endocrinologist if you do happen to choose to go the route of beginning taking it--

During the consultation, they'll ask if you know about it well, and for me, I began on a spiel of the things I knew & how much I researched because I was so excited to begin and how much it would help me.

By my Dr's reaction she was blown away by my very informed decision, that I had thought about it VERY hard, & I think that is what assisted me greatly in acquiring the prescription for it so fast.

Basically, if they either know or just think you are going into this without much context or don't seek it passionately, they think you may change your mind and that you're "going through a phase" or that you can't consent due to not enough information that you know on it for such a majour medical decision.

If you come in confident asf that this is what you need, and you're like "Yeah I know this, I got this shit locked down" they know they're dealing with someone who is very damn sure this is the path they need, and thus the doctor doesn't have to worry nor explain more, which speeds everything up.

Overall, I will end this by saying I wish you the utmost good luck, and that whatever path you choose, you feel happy and gender-euphoric!! Thank you for asking my advice & I hope I helped in any way!! 👍👍💜🏳️‍⚧️

(ALSO I SEE UR USERNAME MMMMMNN YES, SOMEONE WITH QUALITY TASTE IN CHARACTERS--LMAOOO SRRY IM A SHAMELESS WILLIAM FANATIC, I GOTTA MENTION THAT

UR USERNAME MADE ME LEGIT SMILE-- HAHDJGNGJGJGJG)

[all-rock-and-roll-is-homosexual]

I don't think I was around when you met Suede so could you tell me the story please?? What was Brett/the band like???

So I only just got back about a week ago from seeing Suede in the UK - I saw them four times while there in Bexhill, Bristol, Manchester and Leeds.

I brought along an old Coming Up era tour program to get signed so a portion of my interactions were based around that. I talked to all of them briefly for that but my biggest interactions were with Brett and Neil.

Simon was the first one to sign the program and all of them had comments about it except for Brett who will basically just sign anything you put in front of him without much question.

So the reactions to the program are basically this:

(In Bexhill)

Simon: Wow! This is really old!

Brett: (signed and handed it back without saying anything)

(in Bristol)

Me: Hi, Mat! I have something really old for you to sign. Simon's already made a comment on it.

(hands it over)

Mat: Wow, this is old. Am I in this? Where am I? (immediately flips to his page)

Me: There you are!

Mat: Do you have a pen? (borrows a marker off another person queued up out front, signs then hands it back)

Me: Thank you!

He went inside and then a short time later Brett came over to say hello to the small group of us queued up out front

At this point I didn't really say anything because he'd already signed my program so I just wanted to be near him and see what was going on dfghjk and then

Brett: Oh, I like those. (points)

Me: (only just realizing he's talking to me - panics and looks at my hands) What, my bracelets?

Brett: No, your gloves.

Me: Oh, thank you. They're nice and warm.

(pauses because he also has a pair of black leather gloves with him and is also wearing a leather bomber jacket)

Me: Oh hey, we match!

Brett: (pauses, studying me) Oh yeah. There's the gloves and the gloves and the jacket and the jacket. (jokingly- faux hurt) I thought I was the only person in the world who wore black leather gloves.

and because I'm a dumbass the only response I could think of was to play off of that

Me: (Nodding as if I understand his hurt completely) Oh, of course. Naturally.

After the show I was able to get Neil to sign the program and I think he just had another comment about it being old.

I also got a selfie with Brett and I felt so embarrassed and self conscious all I could do was just keep apologizing.

(In Manchester)

I stopped Richard on the way to soundcheck and had him sign the program

Richard: Oh my God, an actual relic!

(Watching him sign in a daze)

Richard: Do you want your name on it?

Me: Hm?

Richard: Do you want your name on it?

Me: Oh, yes!

Richard: What is it?

Me: Rhys

Richard: How do you spell that? R-H-

Me: R-H-Y-S, thank you!

(and finally, in Leeds)

I figured I should have something else for them to sign and I'd swapped CDs with @brettyimages so I brought along the copy of Autofiction she gave me and I guess I forgot to say anything when I handed it to Neil because I was so stunned. BUT

Neil: (flashing an extremely charming smile) is this for me?

Me: (feigning indignance) No, it's mine!

At this point another queue goer came over: Have you heard it?

Me: (thinking this is hilarious) Have you heard it?

Neil: (deadpan as he signs) No.

Me: (also extremely deadpan) Oh, you should. It's really great.

Neil: (hands it back) Of course I've heard it. What, do you think I'm in Westlife?

I was very confused about this because I don't know if he really thought I didn't think he'd listened or what but I thought it was really funny all the same. That Westlife comment fucking killed me. AND HIS SMILE. Being on the receiving end of that legit gave me butterflies.

In all, I'd say my interactions with them were great and they were all very nice 🖤

[potatomountain]

im a writer too and also have several of the same diagnoses as you do. it is not an excuse or a reason to copy someone's work. its low that youd even bring that up. hyperfocusing does not cause someone to copy someone elses work and claim they didnt, and thats speaking from one person who hyper focuses to another because of mental disability. it doesnt sit right with me that youre using that as an excuse instead of admitting you clearly just copied and thought it would be fine.

I honestly don't know what to say?

I admitted that any copying was done unintentionally and tried to explain my thought process behind it and the factors that went into it.

I figured I'd get this reaction, but I still wanted to be clear on my intentions. I deleted the fics, I made an apology, I planned on being more hyper aware of my writings in the future.

My mistake was brought to my attention and fixed with MoC. While I don't fully agree with the ID and HC thing I took the fic down and planned on a major rework eventually.

And I wasn't just saying it's just the hyperfocus that resulted in my thought process, but a combination of things and that just happened to be the main. I hyperfocused on an idea that helped me with my own emotions and ran with it, unawares that it would be consider plagiarism/copying. To me it was no different than using the same trope/setting and I didn't think that constituted copying as there are millions of publicized works that share the same setting/tropes all the time and are not considered plagiarism?

I genuinely worked hard to make ID my own despite the same trope/setting it started with.

And MoC, again I've admitted that is my fault but it was never intentional.

I don't know what more yall want from me? Do you want me to never write again? To claim to be a heartless person that would ACTUALLY COPY ON PURPOSE? Because I'm not. Those fics that inspired me and my own meant a fucking lot to me.

And I'm giving them up entirely because I respected those authors, even if it doesn't seem like it.

I owned up to my mistake, which it was a series of mistakes and lack of understanding on my part and I tried to explain why it was a lack of understanding but apparently the mere fact I can't process shit like a normal person is an excuse? I mentioned it for an understanding but was not, in any way, trying to reflect the blame for my mistake on MoC onto my issues.

I wanted to emphasize that it was still an unintentional mistake and I never meant to hurt the writers.

I only wanted a bit of understanding and forgiveness on my side, not to exclude any actual blame.

If you have the same mental issues or similar, can you imagine the crushing guilt I already feel over the only coping mechanism I had to express myself? I'm debating on giving up my one dream because I'm legit fcking scared to write right now.

And yet despite owning up to my mistake to the best of my abilities- I'm not even owned an ounce of compassion? After trying to right a wrong I did? All because you would rather I be a heartless person who meant to hurt them?

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hello! I only recently found your blog and after much back and forth with myself decided to send this ask.

Trigger Warning for CSA and ED.

I suppose I'm looking for advice, a third party's thoughts? Also to get it off my chest.

I apologize in advance if this it too much for anyone reading, I know i still struggle to make heads or tails with it.

i had this epiphany a few years back, just before covid hit and as I had just moved into my own place for the first time. Ever since I was a little girl I've always had these unexplainable to my older self weird thoughts about sex.

During this epiphany I realized that my entire life, as long as I can remember-since approximately 5 to 6 years old - I have had rape fantasies. With myself as the victim. Very explicit, very violent just.. all around bad.

It had always troubled me but it had never been registered as something that needed more thought. It was more of a "Huh, you sure were quirky growing up!".

So during this epiphany it clicked to me: how could a child, from a good family, not suffocated, neither sheltered but raised by good folk, even KNOW not only what sex is, but also what rape is? Those thoughts dont come about naturally while watching Pokémon or Catdog.

So I started looking back. I really tried to make myself think.

I made myself picture little be getting abused. At first i suspected the men in my family. Uncle, grandad, even my dad.

It didn't click. Except when i thought about my grandad. At noons we used to sleep together. He'd read to me and it'd be our down time.

But it wasn't HIM who was triggering me ( God knows I'd die for that man i love him so much). It was his bedroom and his bed.

I realized suddenly that it wasn't a man that made me feel so.. uncomfortable? Like.. vomiting? Like.. these thoughts gave me this profound sense of doom and melancholy? I can't explain it.

But the person who came up was my cousin. She was only a few years older than me and she'd also live with our grandparents (their houses were in the same building).

I realized that when i was around 5 she would make me watch porn. The first time i ever watched it it was a traumatizing thing i realize. Not only did my body not know how to respond at this young age (it did get a reaction out of me which makes me feel fifty different types of sick) but I was shocked by the image of this man's penis. That night when i slept with my mum I couldn't sleep because i feared I'd see his thing in my dream and that my mum would know I'd done something bad! I'd blurt it out while dreaming! It was horrible.

A few days next mum took us shopping. While alone in the dressing room I had a sort of... Idk.. attack? Meltdown? She had given me to try on this faux leather skirt and I just got so enraged by it! I started angry crying and iirc hitting myself (?) Only now do i realise it was because the woman in the video was wearing a leather skirt.

My cousin also had this "massage wand" which for the life of me idk if it was a legit vibrator of my aunt or indeed a massage tool. But i remember her laying on her bed with her legs open (still dressed) and the thing between her legs. (When i told my bestie about this she tried to make me understand that she was indeed masturbating but God even writing this now it feels fake. It feels like an overreaction!)

My cousin would also make us play Husband and Wife. She'd be the husband first. She'd get on top of me and just stroke my arms, or act like she was kissing me. Sometimes she'd make me put a pillow on top of me and hug it like it was my husband.

But the worst was when she'd make ME be the husband. Id have to..idk how to describe it. I'd have to be active? I'd have to move my hips and talk and just be on top. We were clothed we weren't doing anything. But by God I just feel it in my bones This is why I have body dysmorphia. This is why my disordered eating started. This is why now I have trouble feeling feminine and just the thought of a single masculine characteristic on me sends me spiraling. I hate the idea of having anything masculine on me or being described as such! It makes me feel like back then.

Even now typing all this out.. I can't believe it. What if I'm misremembering? What if I'm the one creating false memories? What if I'm doing it for attention? Whose attention you'll ask since only now did i find the courage to tell SOLELY my best friend. Well, I'll say... I don't know.

I cannot connect the image of my childhood, happy as it was, because it was! I was loved and still am by my parents. My entire extended family are learned, progressive, loving people. I always felt like i got the lottery with my folks. I cannot make this make sense while adding my realizations into the mix.

I like my cousin! I even love her! We are close (considering we have our own thing happening in life). She is my family, my blood! She feels the same.

I dont know what to feel.

And I've also heard that children who are perpetrators of CSA (not only when they're so young do they Not mean any harm bc they're kids too) but also they had to learn all that from somewhere, from someone!

So.. did she also suffer? Do I need to start having suspicions about others hurting her?

Does she need help? Does she even remember?

I cannot tell anyone. It would ruin our family and my parents would be devastated. My mum she.... She'd legit lose her mind to learn that someone had hurt me this way!

Do you guys have any thoughts? Am i crazy? Am i making it up? Am i creating the memories? God knows it affects me in all aspects of life so.. there has to be Something there, right?!

Feel free to post this as a post for your followers to answer too. Im okay with it.

Just typing it out was cathartic.

I'm sorry to anyone burdened with reading something so light-hearted. And thank you for taking the time to read and answer.

I hope whoever it is on the other side reading has a good day. And Thank You.

-Bess

p.s.

Because I get very illogically anxious very often, if by any chance my eyes are deceiving me, or tumblr crashes or whatever and by accident this post doesn't get submitted Anonymously (as I intend it to) could you please refrain from posting it? I would really thank you for that!

Okay bye now! And Thank You again for the help 💙

Hi Bess,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through. Please know that you're not alone.

It's incredibly difficult to navigate some potential early childhood trauma. It sounds like you probably aren't making this up because you seem to be able to identify what doesn't click or make sense. Often, trauma tends to have strong emotional or visceral responses, like you described, nausea and discomfort. These feelings suggest that the memories could be authentic.

it's hard to accept that you've been through trauma because of its implications, and that's understandable, but it's also important for your healing to work through the process of grief at your own pace. Also please know that just because you may have otherwise had a good childhood with a strong support network around you, doesn't mean that you couldn't have been traumatized or that your trauma isn't valid.

You are right that COCSA perpetrators tend to be CSA survivors themselves, because their behavior is, in some way, learned from elsewhere. But please remember that this does not excuse perpetuating that abusive behavior. Regardless of what may have happened to your perpetrator, it doesn't change the fact that they hurt you.

It's your story so it's up to you who to tell or not tell, but just know that other peoples emotions are not your responsibility, so if someone is devastated to hear what happened, that is not your fault. Additionally, it's worth considering that you are not to blame for telling your truth, rather your cousin is to blame for their actions that you are merely conveying.

Ultimately, it's important to make sure that you can get any help you need during this time, in terms of exploring trauma and maintaining your mental health. If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist can help you process your traumas, the feelings and questions surrounding them, and develop ways to cope and move forward with these memories.

Please remember that you are not crazy, and know that we believe you. If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[millenialfanfictionaddiction]

hi would you mind doing a shiratorizawa x manager reader but the reader has an ed? specifically bulimia? it would be very comforting for me since it’s my 1 year anniversary from throwing up soon :) however if you’re not comfy writing that i totally get it. i thought it would be okay though since you wrote about the manager having ADHD. anyways have a lovely day <3

Hi Anon! First off, what a huge accomplishment!!! Congrats on your recovery journey! I'm seriously so proud of you for how far you've come. ED's are very hard to overcome and the fact that you've been on your recovery journey for so long is so incredible! Unfortunately, my requests are currently closed. However I'd love to do a small set of headcannons to help celebrate your recovery! If you'd like more, I can definitely do a longer set when I open my requests in February! I hope these headcannons provide some comfort on your journey 💙 tons of love and well wishes!

🦅Being Shiratorizawa's Manager 🦅

💜 Manager with an Eating Disorder 💜

Shiratorizawa x Manager

Warnings: mentions of eating disorders specifically Bulimia. I tried to do my best at making our lovely manager on a recovery journey. This is a sensitive topic so please proceed with caution

A/N: This is a special request. I felt like this request deserved attention and a set of headcannons to help celebrate Anon's achievements! I apologize for any grammar errors 😅

Ok YN, you've done so well

Not only have you managed (pun intended) to land Shiratorizawa as your team 💪🏻

Arguably one of the most supportive teams in the Haikyu world

Seriously fight me, they will literally do anything for you

Tendo is your number one fan 😍

Goshiki will take your back no matter what

Semi and Kawanishi are amazing listeners

Shirabu will verbally battle anyone who so much as utters a single disrespectful thing to you

And Ushiwaka 😅

Well Ushi simply pulls up and he's intimidating 😑

Not only do you have an incredible team at your back

But you've carried yourself through a seriously rough year

For this set if headcannons, let's just say you've been suffering from your Eating Disorder (ED) for a few years

You've been battling bulimia longer than you've been with Shiratorizawa

For the most part, you kept your ED a secret

When you were with the team, you would eat and act normally

Honestly nobody suspected a thing

It wasn't until you were home or in private that your ED became difficult

Depression and Emotions can be wicked evil 😞

You were aware of the issues you encountered

But you also knew that you had to be the first one to take the steps towards recovery

There is no simple solution YN

I wish there was but recovery is a never-ending journey

And repeat after me, 👏🏻 THAT'S 👏🏻 OK 👏🏻

So whatever you last straw or final trigger was, you were ready to take the steps

The first step was seeking out therapy and the right recovery path for you

Yes YN 👏🏻 serious the first step is always the hardest

You still managed to keep everything secretive

Honestly kudos to you YN 😅

Tendo lurks everywhere so like how you managed to keep it quiet so long is beyond me

Anyways, your recovery path finally took you to the point of sharing your journey 🙌🏻

By this point, you had become comfortable with yourself

Of course, there are always bad days

But sometimes sharing those bad days with others can ease the burden

Fortunately, you have tons of friends 🫂

Unfortunately, it's Shiratorizawa 🤣

Jk jk they are amazing

You decide it's best to just rip the bandaid off quick

So you decide to tell them all at once 😃

Thank god you are comfortable YN because 😅

First off, everyone is wicked quiet

Like the silence is deafening 😶

Even aTendo and Goshiki are stunned

Semi's mouth is legit hanging open 😲

Kawanishi is even shocked

Seriously the mans knows everything so this is huge

Ushiwaka just stares 🤨

Like he seriously is the only one who listened to you and understands you are on your recovery

So he's like "ok YN we got you" 😐

It's that simple to him 😅

Oddly comforting?? Sure let's go with that 🥰

Tendo and Goshiki will fuss over you

And I stand by this, Tendo will do all the research

Like he will research past the first page of Google

And reputable, peer reviewed articles

I have a weird feeling Tendo is like super into researching

Like he'd be a great archivist

Ok Tiffany back on track 😆

He doesn't understand ED's at all

Goshiki will probably treat you like glass

Shirabu explains it to him

He will then be afraid to even eat in front of you 🤦‍♀️

Seriously YN you just have to laugh at this point 😂

You tell him it's ok and that eating together can be helpful for your recovery

Semi tells you he's always available to talk

Kawanishi is in agreement

Shirabu plans to be a doctor, so like he knows about ED's

Maybe not the specifics but he goes with Tendo to research

Tell me Shirabu doesn't find encouraging memes to send you on important recovery anniversaries

He sends you the Kris Jenner "You're Doing Great Sweetie" meme every single month 🤣

Shirabu totally has great tastes in memes

Tendo will ask you daily how you are doing

Maybe you keep a food diary or maybe a personal goal tracker for your recovery

Show him YN 👍🏻

He totally buys you stickers for your journal 😭

Unfortunately there are bound to be bad times 🥺

But when I say these guys have got your back, they totally do

If you trail off the path YN, it's ok

Trust me 💜

Talk to Semi, he will always be there to hug you and hold you when you cry

Tendo is great at making jokes to cheer you up

Ushiwaka is the king of motivation

His room is covered in motivational posters ✋️

Seriously the ones with the landscapes and the sayings 😂

He gifts you one 😭

It makes you cry and not only do you get a Ushi hug but also a smile

Seriously picture 📸 please

And if anyone bothers you, Shirabu and Kawanishi have your back YN

They will actually tear the person apart 🤗

Its uncomfortable to watch

But we don't stand bullies in this house

Oh no no no 🤚🏻

Nobody messes with our dearest YN

On the one year anniversary of your recovery, the guys will totally celebrate with you 🥳

Semi of course asks you what you want to do

Tendo would probably invite the entire school of it were up to him 😅

But Shirabu and Kawanishi are in charge of Tendo while Semi takes care of your wishes

When I say these guys have your back YN, I mean it

They realize how far you've come and how hard you've worked 🎉

You're journey is only just starting YN, but your Stoic birdies are so incredibly proud of you 🤩

[tiktaalic]

Why exactly do you see Dean as gay rather than bi? Absolutely feel free to completely ignore this ask if you don't want to go into it - it's just I've heard that interpretation a few times here on Tumblr and I'd genuinely be really interested to hear your thoughts behind it, and how you relate it to the way Dean canonically acts on the show

the pithy answer is projection! the unpithy answer is that out of 320 episodes over the span of 15 years, there is one (1) where his attraction comes off as genuine to me, and it took place fifteen years ago (cassie). i’m a lesbian, and when i was younger i had really genuine and meaningful friendships with men that i thought meant i was in love with them. they were very dear friends to me and i cared deeply about them, and they continue to be dear to me and people i care deeply about now that my head’s on straighter. so that’s that point. 

this is. going to be a long post so this is the preemptive warning to everyone who can’t read tumblr paragraphs to zip scroll.

lisa straight up reads as a lavender marriage to me. the focus for both lisa AND dean is him stepping in to be a father figure. their conversations about how much they care about each other center around how good he is with ben/how much he loves ben. there’s like, nothing where they’re smiling at each other and actually enjoying each other’s company. she’s a two night stand he’s seen 4 times in the last decade. she is dean putting on his brave face and keeping his promise. lisa’s post dean boyfriend matt is in one episode for about 3 minutes purely so he can die, but this is the scene.

so like. lisa is CAPABLE of interacting with a man she’s dating in a way that looks like they’re dating, versus. this.

so that’s that point. we’re at season six and we’ve already gone through every long term relationship with a woman dean’s been in. but let’s get really technical! let’s go through bad boys and after school special and amara to boot. 

in bad boys, robin is dean’s first real crush when he’s fifteen or so. first crush being when you’re 15 rather than in elementary or middle school? gay behavior (joke). let those among us who have not had a straight crush as a teen because they were the first person to be nice to us throw the first stone! and that’s what it boils down to for me. it’s the first time dean’s had ANY stability, and he relishes it. it would not surprise me if she’s his first real friend. she’s definitely his first real NORMAL friend. she asks him what HE likes, what HE wants to do with his life. and that’s totally new for dean! to have choices and to have his wants given consideration instead of just having expectation after expectation loaded onto him.

it does not surprise me that dean, who’s been taking a masterclass in repression and masculinity since the tender age of four, dates robin. it would not surprise me if he dated robin and was gay. of course he’s going to throw himself 100% into a relationship with a girl when he knows he’s at an age where boys are supposed to be skirt chasers, when he meets a girl and she’s NICE to him and KNOWS him like literally no one else does. all of this accompanied by the “i am a boy and have positive feelings for someone who’s a girl this MUST be romance this MUST be a crush” like. this is going to get into overshare territory for a moment i apologize but As A Lesbian when i was 15/16 i actively had crushes on girls and rational-ed them away as Girl Best Friends :) while telling everyone that the feelings i had for my boy best friends were crushes aksdkfkndf. repressed gay people are stupid and dean is MUCH more repressed than me aged 16. so. robin box ticked. 

after school special: jail for dabb jail for dabb for a thousand years i know. trust me i know. BUT. 17 year old dean who’s fully pulled on the leather jacket and womanizer persona, who doesn’t talk to anyone in his class and just hangs out in janitor closets making out with a girl who thinks his persona is hot. and when she tries to get close to him, to form an emotional connection, he panics and self sabotages. which. yes. peak straight man behavior. i’m not arguing that this little characterization bit is the pillar upon which gay dean rests, i’m saying if you’re inclined, you can nudge it into gay kid going “oh no this is too much responsibility i gotta get out of this” behavior. and i’m inclined!

amara: the amara stuff is so. hdnfdkf. it’s this primordial connection or whatever stronger than dean and amara both and yet dean’s still able to buck it a few times for [drumroll........] cas! + i don’t have any of the posts on hand but i DO agree with the whole vibe of. “i would fuck the embodiment of my destruction and horrors and failings because my self loathing is THAT strong”. also: gay af for the being of destruction with an immutable pull on you and towards you to say i will give you your greatest desire and then give you your mommy back and dip.

and then there’s the various one night stand stuff. i don’t have the comprehensive list on hand, but off the top of my head these are times when dean has sex scenes that are given huge focus:

when he comes back from hell and everyone’s gently asking if he’s fine and he’s like could a guy who wasn’t fine do THIS [tries to sleep with a bartender and or angel]. when bobby dies and dean’s hardcore mourning and hardcore drinking to the point where i think his drinking is acknowledged for one of a true handful of times in the series. just checked the transcript for that one. the morning after:

DEAN: Ugh.

SAM: You look like crap.

DEAN: Yeah, well, I feel worse than I look. I do recommend the Cobalt Room, by the way. Awesome night. Although I think I'm getting too old for this.

which. again. normal straight man commitmentphobe hitting his 30s and going hmmm.... perhaps real connections would be nice? but that doesn’t contradict gay dean at all, it slots in. also this is season 7. season 7 and he’s too old for this. top of my head i can think of two more similar instances: s11 baby when he groans and goes “mistakes were made”, s13 advanced thanatology when cas is dead and he’s FULL ON grieving so hard that sam takes him to a strip club. and again. he over does it. again he throws himself too hard to the coping vices and when he wakes up he’s tired and sore and has a headache. the other time he gets laid is endverse, which uh. is basically dean in 24/7 mourn drink sleep with someone mode. there are like... a handful of times he has sex For Fun, enough to count on one hand. the rest are all real easy to slap the label PERFORMANCE or COPING WITH MOURNING on.

obviously all of these points go either way - you could absolutely interpret them as legit attraction to women. you can interpret them as legit attraction to women while these instances are still coping/performance. but for me personally they all end up on the gay column instead of the bi column. um. end manifesto i think.

[firespirited]

TIL that Audrey Plaza's "transphobia" was a joke about making up any rumours so how about she has a penis? in an interview in a European magazine once. She also has had two strokes and is socially awkward. I like her now.

That Lindsay Ellis' "racism" was comparing raya and avatar for their mishmash cultural approach and *not* talking about the Quileute's mistreatment in her Twilight hate fits a pattern of teen girl's interests being cringe to society because she didn't feel qualified to speak on it and it was a short form video.??? Dxllxghful I understand how she was asked certain specific things for years and didn't do them (and her apology video was tacky but that's besides the point)

I'm going to need people to use qualifiers because receipts are really hard to find. I want to trust folks but there is a difference between this person is racist (donates to the right and believes iq is genetic for example) and this person is not in tune with the racial intersections of feminism (made a video about twilight without a mention of the appropriation and desecration of Quileute culture), there are a few people i follow that i just can't trust anymore to give an honest assessment. Because we've got legit benevolent and malevolent bigots put in the same box as people who are still working on being better people who said something mildly off colour or badly phrased once. By those rules I'm racist, transphobic, anti prono and deeply ableist. And since I'll double down on my usage of 'crip' which can be both racist and ableist. You can consider me bad forever.

I don't want to unfollow anyone yet but I'm going to need people to think twice about reblogging callouts unless there's nuance or the receipts are present so we can decide for ourselves if that's offensive or just something inconsiderate. People I thought were ableist and could distress me, turns out they believe in chronic illness and mental illness but use the term cray cray and language isn't a deal breaker for me, attitude is. I want to be among fellow lefties and tag for correct triggers but I need nuance and honesty in my life. If you're likely to drop me for a mistake, let me know now. If you're going to miscategorize people who don't show patterns of behaviour and are essentially not the enemy, i'd like to set boundaries. I'm ND and have hyper honesty that I'm working on mitigating constantly, to be polite and protect myself but it also means I feel strongly about being misled and getting the most accurate information possible to the point of pedantry. That means I spent an hour explaining in detail how mga left hayden williams between a rock and a hard place not just MGAe bad. I don't know what I'm trying to say except I'm messy and sick of being scared of messing up further. And I'd like clarity from the people I trust not just blanket statements, by all means point out the terfs but don't say i dunno that Anthony Mackie is a homophobe because he word saladed about FatWS.

[palidoozy-art]

The more I think about your recent post about the changes you made to Strahd, the more I wonder about those changes you made to the others mentioned (Rahadin, Van Richten, Ireena, etc). I'd absolutely love to hear what adjustments you made as you already shared some stellar ideas already. Like the Tome? -Chef kiss- Amazing.

Oh mannn I do love talking about my campaign. I changed a lot with them. Again, weirdly enough, I think Strahd wound up being the most like his original incarnation. I could talk forever about the changes I made so I'll try to be brief haha. IT STILL WON'T BE BRIEF.

Obvious CoS spoilers below

IREENA - I thought it was weird that the picture they gave her makes her look like such a badass, and then the module just kind of writes her as a damsel in distress to either get kidnapped or pulled into water or dumped somewhere. To me, she's like, the second most important character in CoS -- and the book literally gives you less direction to roleplay her than her brother. Furthermore, reading her ending actually legit made me mad.

So I said fuck all that. Ireena in my game was a 19-year old girl who grew and developed over the course of the campaign. Several of my players actually said they thought of her as "the main character," just because she experienced a lot of character growth and development, going from a sheltered meek teenager to someone who can fight and assert herself. The biggest change I made to her though was that I very specifically did not just want her to be "Tatyana with memory loss." Ireena is a unique individual who happens to be partially made out of Tatyana's soul. While she shares many similarities with Tatyana, they're separate people, and part of what Ireena has to grapple with is how to live up to that. She's in the post-campaign because of that distinction -- while Sergei offered her to join him, she declined, because she wants to experience life past her twenties. I didn't get to play it out because we were kind of rushing towards the end, but I honestly envisioned a scene where she talks to the portrait of Tatyana, apologizing to her because she knows she's being selfish remaining alive.

This also brings up a unique problem in the post campaign. If Ireena dies, she ceases to exist and may not be able to be resurrected. When her soul leaves her body, it's Tatyana's again. Ireena very much wants to live. Tatyana doesn't. A resurrection has to be made with the consent of the soul, and if Tatyana declines, Ireena's just... gone. Forever.

Related: because I wasn't sure what my players would ask, and Rahadin would absolutely know this information -- there have been 18 incarnations of Tatyana, including the original. I actually have a timeline of when they were all born and how they died. The curse manifests in that they always die or are killed before their 25th birthday. If Strahd attempts to marry them, they lose their minds and throw themselves off of the same balcony the original Tatyana jumped off of during the ceremony. Strahd can never have Tatyana. Vampyr will ensure of that.

But yeah, essentially: Ireena gained actual class levels; she wasn't just Tatyana with memory loss; she traveled with the party for 90% of the campaign and wasn't just a macguffin to be kidnapped/take to places; and I removed any of the "Sergei takes her into water/the sky and you never see her again" endings because I absolutely hated those.

VAN RICHTEN - Van Richten I tweaked a lot from his original incarnation. First, I started him off as Lawful Neutral. No, game, I know you tell me he's Lawful Good, but I'm gonna have to disagree with you that "training a racist tiger to genocide an ethnic camp" falls under the spectrum of Lawful Good. Second, I changed him from cleric to artificer (alchemist). I somehow just got the impression the dude was a godless man, and so he felt more fitting to be a man of science rather than a man of the church. Third, since I wasn't sure the other dread domains were ever going to be brought into 5e I moved him out of Darkon and into another world from the outside.

His backstory was also tied more into Strahd and the campaign in general, as well as the Dark Powers. About 30 years ago, he went into the mists with his own adventuring party (that included Escher) to try to rescue his kidnapped son, Erasmus. He found his son half-turned and begging him for death. Killing him, Van Richten hunted down the Vistani woman (Ezmerelda's mother) who sold the man, and in a rage strangled her to death. This gave him a curse. Ezmerelda witnessed it happen.

He went on a warpath against vampire spawn and vistani alike, until Strahd proposed a deal to Escher. Escher lured the group to a familiar dinner date with Strahd... only for Strahd to murder all of them, including Van Richten. Van Richten was approached by a dark power -- Vaund the Evasive, and given the option to return to life in exchange for the promise that Van Richten would eventually return to Amber Temple and free him. He took it, waking up outside of Barovia. From there he became famed vampire-hunter-book-author, until in his early 50's he decided it was time to seek vengeance and fulfill his promise. He brought in his hat of disguise, came up with an alibi, and headed into Barovia as Rictavio the Great.

He was absolutely played as a much more morally grey character at the start (the party's first encounter with him rather than Rictavio was him literally torturing a dude). He softened over the course of the campaign as he grew attached to the party, until finally reaching a point in the post-campaign where he's considered Lawful Good

Also: Ezmerelda was treated more or less as his adoptive daughter. She absolutely argued against this every single time, but he even slipped up and referred to her as his daughter on a few tense occasions.

RAHADIN - Rahadin I adjusted a lot, too. A LOOOOOOT. Strahd being comically evil makes sense -- the dude is a darklord, that kind of comes with the territory. With Rahadin, I wanted him to have more motivations to his actions, because the base game actually suggests that the dude is actually capable of caring. In the base game, you can find him at Amber Temple, trying to "petition the dark god into releasing his master from his torment." He screams in grief if he finds Strahd dead. Furthermore it felt like the game glosses over the fact that the dude was adopted as Barov's son. It doesn't bother addressing how Rahadin felt about Sergei, who would in theory be his other brother. I thought a number of things suggested in his backstory were interesting, but not expanded upon in the base game. So I took it upon myself to do so.

I changed how dusk elf society was built, which affected the three major dusk elf characters. It worked off of a pretty brutal caste system, with three kings at the top overseeing all of it. Rahadin was born in a lower caste, but actually brought into the warrior caste after a member of royalty was intrigued by his stature. Rahadin worked as a general, but grew frustrated by the inefficiencies of the caste system and its inequality. He started attempting to use his influence to petition other members of nobility into changing or loosening the strict system.

Patrina caught wind of this, and viewing it as a threat to her lifestyle + viewing it as an easy way to gain brownie points with those above her... tattled on him to the three kings, spinning what he was doing as treason. Rahadin was arrested and subsequently tortured. They attempted to execute him on a breaking wheel, breaking his bones against the spokes and leaving him in the town square as an example. He wound up escaping, crawling his way out of town until he was subsequently rescued by a group of human monks. The event pretty much broke him, morally. He went to Barov soon after and sold his people out, taking a personal hand in helping annihilate the dusk elves and conquering their land. Barov was so impressed by the man's loyalty that he adopted him as his son.

Part of this was done to make a connection as to why the hell Rahadin just absolutely fuckin' hates Patrina so much (since that definitely got played up during the campaign). When thinking of Rahadin's motivations, I tried to come at it from the angle that this man was evil... but legitimately cared deeply about Strahd, Sergei, and Tatyana. He was devestated from the events of the wedding, but saw Strahd's return as a second chance. As the lone surviving witness from the wedding, he desperately wanted to help the three of them. But his own blind loyalty to Strahd and his broken moral compass prevented him from doing so.

One of my favorite little additions was a sidequest I offered to the players (they wanted to redeem Rahadin). They were requested by him to retrieve (well, "not destroy or sell") one of his most precious belongings in his office. When they get there... it turns out it's a birthday card and a worn-out old amulet from Sergei and Tatyana that he's kept after all these years. They got Ireena to read the letter to him, to help him keep going after Strahd's death.

anyway i could ramble on about changes forever but i don't want this post to get too long haha. i have. many feelings. over this campaign. maybe at some point I'll do a separate post with some of the others.

i also kinda wanna do a comic of an event from Rahadin's backstory for my players but we'll see, I might deem it "too stupid."

[captainkurosolaire]

Things I Like RP Partners to Know

I like to be called: Captain, Kuro, Zach, Degenerate, w/e. I'm typically not nerved by really anything, mostly chill. (Went in-depth and tagged below cut)

One thing you should know about me: I really just write for passion anymore, I don't care about this whole Post+ stuff, it won't play a factor in me. Tumblr has really everything that allows me to write and further myself. However, it ever goes away, even if becomes Myspace 2.0, I'll probably still maintain writing here off and on in spurts. --Now if they shut-down, I might convert over somewhere that's identical, cause Twitter couldn't handle my girth. I'm mildly autistic and suffer from a few other conflicting health aliments, writing is my obsessiveness and remedy. Used to be gaming, but I became less of a gamer, and replaced it more for writing cause It's a place where I can contain and throw all my thought's to usage. My mind overlaps with so much thing's at once, I get side-tracked, misplacement, my concentration shifts horribly, before I know it, I haven't slept for twenty-four hours or more. Lot of stuff is just me being redundant by fault. Or I become overwhelmed with a story ideas, that impulsively takes me, but majority of my best thing's are sudden. Not the one's that are ever planned. But I don't live to make excuses never care to be defined, by one thing, or person. I don't aim to attain much of anything in life but be a better me, until my end. And by analyzing your mind, you can do or achieve a lot I've discovered. So I repetitively no matter what jog down my WIP's and unleash, or my errors, I put them all on badges displays, then I go back and repeat until I show progress. That's how I have to learn. But passion is a candle, so when it burn's out I lose a lot of what I learned, it's natural after that to be discouraged, but instead, for me, that gets me going again. Cause mean's I can come at thing's with a whole new mental perspective and different flow, then compare, and again, adapt and improve. One thing you should know about RPing with my character(s): Everything is a factor and story with me. Losses, they matter. My character originally was highly killable almost every session, but advanced due to the actions of others, because of them, he found the value of his own life, and that's how I like to do my characters. Even the win's my character gets from stories, will most likely have a 'bad ending' occasionally or result into something new sprouting from it eventually, however that doesn't define at-all how permanently it effects them. But seasonally they go through their struggle. Life for real, is up and down's, these are the component's I factor in. Realistically, sure we fall. We never truly decline unless we allow it. Our character's philosophies, their mental judgement, dislikes, etc, all these thing's become ingrained they decide how much they want too fight and live, they step to improve or sometimes stumble under roadblocks, but not truly devolve. So the more people he interacts with or meets and encounters in RP, they are factors, they're meaningful to meet again, or live, their short teachings are insightful. No matter how small or large or incomplete stories went or passed-by. I created a character who was filled in by others initially. Even one-shot smuts, they're important experiences. Lot more to appreciate when your character learns on their own how to surpass their weaknesses and suffering organically. Still do RP with others but typically I do collaborations, or pre-established or short things, or Discord, one-shot in-game stuff, screenshot things that can convey RP. Want to build this Crew as their own functioning characters, not so much minor throwaways, but shippable, and highly in-depth. Essentially building an optional anime for my partner's, one-day. Long-term with me right now just isn't something I'd ever ask or expect from me. I'm too jumbled and a mess. But it's not a never, I do have two people who are among all my stuff and involved. I'd include anyone in my stories too if they wanted partaken. First language: Gibberish / English. Age range: under 13  |  14–17 | 18–22 | 23–25 | 26–29 | 30+ | 40+ | 70+ Am I okay with NSFW?: yes |

no | some nsfw I came solely off that, my reputation, was known as 'That ERP guy' on Balmung OG day's, I'm one of the degen's from that era. But character's evolve and adapt as do their people, they become more, but maintain their origins to degree. Those perspective's and things learned from NSFW are very paramount to a lot of SFW too. My favorite/most common thing to RP is: angst | fluff | smut | crack | action | plots | AUs are fine | Violence | Darker themes |  I dunno. * I'm pretty open-ended in all things. It's all fascinating for me to attempt at improving. Reason finally pulled the trigger and made a diverse Crew for Captain was give off different interactions and also more reason's to write beyond my usual trends. I'll tackle eventually every genre... now doesn't mean I'll excel in those fields more than my specialties, but I'll do it. Canon Character RP Friendly?: yes | no | depends * I stick with the sandbox but I'll stretch out all the space and limits of it. Building skyscrapers and UFO's with that sand, just happens that this Universe has magic, science, alchemy, holograms, all-around unlimited absurd possibilities, more than even D&D, which makes this game the best to RP within. When comes to interacting with anything Canon base, It'll always dwarf me though. Most likely I'll write my own legit WoL's, thinking of making an 'antagonist' one, but more 'protagonist too' (maybe hunk viera male?) I like making construed lines between characters, that's really complex, it's avidly up to a reader to decide who's in the right or wrong or if they're rooting for the villain or good-guy. I see most lore characters as Celebrities which my character would be rightfully cultured in, and they're untouchable, least for my characters. To me the source of what, who, or with you're writing is what determines a lot. But yeah RPing with anything Canon related, I switch to being a just minor gnat. And there's going to be a lot of consequences, that come if there's anything that does effect something that matters in the Universe. Just cause my pirate is causing havoc and having fun for now, doesn't mean law's don't catch-up or something else doesn't. Cause and effect always. RP blog: does contain ooc posts | doesn’t contain ooc posts | occasionally contains ooc* I would do more OOC if did asks, or inbox related things and was wanted, but outside occasional updates, I stick to my role. That's just write stories and screenshots and practice everything. I'm thankful for anyone who does enjoy anything I share or supports me, It's what brings me back faster and I do always think of you too when I want to get better, it's uplifting and inspiring, alongside boosting. If I do bring any motivation to anything, I do. Then that's the best payment I could get. I like seeing others thrive, or soar higher than me, and unleash their creativity. Tagged by:@spotofmummery (Thank ye my treasured friend!) Tagging anyone/everyone: @roguestly @scholarlybreadbun @under-the-blood-moonlight @lettersnorth @violet-warder @lukawarrioroflight @eligos-venator @corpse-dancer @silvernsteel @silvertail-ffxiv @roxinova @lavender-hemlock @fracturedfantasia @zhauric @fair-fae @avwalya @yuki-yukichan @crow-iv @cadrenebula @spellsandtales @casualcatte @seascrapes @mishivymendi @thorcat @aqueerfishtheyis @ljoturyalre @seabound-dragoon @scornedjustice @laylahcousland @layla-grey @moonstruck-ffxiv @snow-covered-moon (Apologies if missed anyone. If there's more who'd like to be tagged again on all these type of things, let me know.)

[itsclydebitches]

ngl voyager gets a whole lot of very disproportional hate from the fandom and i'd hazard a guess that a lot of that is just garden-variety misogyny (and probably racism mixed in, considering how many of the most prominent characters are women, poc, or both). like, is voyager perfect? absolutely not. and no spoilers but there was a lot of executive meddling that wound up leading to the finale/conclusion being lacking and there's a lot of reasonable dissatisfaction with that--but again that was largely thanks to the execs fucking the show over and i recommend looking into that if you can once you've finished the show. but overall? voyager is trek right to its very core--it has heart, it's about family, and it never loses sight of that imo, even if some episodes are weaker or just duds (but, like, would it be a trek series without some episodes that just kinda suck but are still fun to watch???)

anyway, i absolutely love that you're getting into voyager, it is my all-time favorite trek series to this day for a lot of reasons, and i hope that ppl like that anon dont put you off bc i'd love to continue to see your thoughts as you watch the series!

Oh, it would take a whole lot more than some anons being salty that others enjoy things to turn me off :D 

Thus far (I lost internet last night so I’m still only on Episode 7 of Season 2), Voyager is the Trekiest Trek I’ve watched. Which is a weird sentence, but I mean it in the way you said it’s “trek right to its very core.” What is Star Trek, if we strip the intent of the story down to its basics? It’s about exploration, discovery, that “wagon train to the stars,” wrapped up in the argument that life is fundamentally good. We have problems, but we can work past them. We have differences, but they strengthen us. Diversity is the lifeblood of the universe and the future will continue to improve so long as we embrace that. 

Voyager is (again, from what I’ve seen so far!) basically a love song to that premise. I didn’t do too deep a dive because I’m trying to avoid spoilers, but I did look at a couple threads discussing why Voyager is so hated. Again and again I saw the same reason pop up: wasted potential. Now, a lot of fans left it at that (as if the answer to what potential Voyager apparently missed out on is self-evident. It’s not), but those who did expand on the idea consistently claimed that the show needed to be darker than it was, even if they rarely said it like that. Why aren’t the Federation and the Marquis at each other’s throats? Why isn’t the crew going crazy under these circumstances? Why aren’t characters getting killed off left and right in hostile space? “Anything could have happened out there and they played it safe!” but the “anything” here is always... awful. There’s this very pervasive idea that the world is inherently cruel, people are inherently divisive, that when pushed to the brink everything will fall apart... and that (while making for one kind of great story) is very much not Star Trek. 

See, Voyager created an unimaginable scenario--lost in space, 75 years from home, forced to live indefinitely with strangers--and their answer to the question of “What happens?” is “People make it work.” They learn to respect one another, they uphold their ideals, they maintain a love of life and discovery, and they create a family. And that’s fucking fantastic. That’s Star Trek! I’m not going to pretend there aren’t problems with the show, with plenty more to come, I’m sure, but I don’t think this is one of them. Why do so many viewers think that hatred, horror, death, and growing jaded is the only potential here? Why would they expect that in a Star Trek show whose premise is the very antithesis of those things? 

“But they don’t do enough with those things, even if they have happy outcomes.” They do plenty, they just do it in an episodic rather than serialized nature. I can point to multiple episodes where the replicator rations or Maquis differences are driving the characters’ actions. “But without that horror there’s no conflict.” There’s plenty of conflict. Hostile aliens aside, I just watched an episode where Tuvok and Chakotay are pissed as hell at one another because they fundamentally disagree over how to handle problems, but--because they’re adults with a well-tested respect for one another--they apologize and work through it. “But the characters don’t develop at all.” You mean they don’t grow harder. That’s not the same thing as no development. Tuvok is figuring out how to be more flexible, Chakotay is becoming more willing to accept cultures he doesn’t agree with, Harry is growing more confident now that he’s far from home, the Doctor is learning to see himself as a person, Paris is grabbing his second chance with both hands by making strong ties, and Janeway is learning to command and care for her crew simultaneously. I honestly believe that a lot of people think of “character development” as the character becoming a fundamentally different person, unrecognizable from where they started out. But  characters can also grow into the people they wanted to be in the first place. “We’re far from home, in hostile territory, tempted to do horrific things to survive... but no. Right now at least, we’re holding onto who we are. We’re scientists, so we’re going to explore and learn. We’re peaceful, so we’re going to make friends with as many species as we can. We’re members of a society that teaches acceptance, so we’re going to form a family on this spaceship.” That’s incredible!! Did fans miss why Seska was an antagonist in the episode she was unmasked? Because she was trying to convince them to give up everything they believe in in the name of survival, an ends justify the means argument. And the crew said no, we will not give up what we believe in just to make it through. I legit saw a ton of fans saying some version of, “I can’t believe they were that far from home and actually followed Starfleet’s rulebook.” It’s because those rules don’t exist for the hell of it. Overlooking their practical function, they’re a philosophy that the characters believe in, and they’re figuring out how important that part of their identity is to them under these circumstances. Am I willing to steal a specie’s technology if it gets us home? Am I willing to die to help another uphold their own philosophy? (Chakotay in “Imitations”). What regulations should we bend or change to accommodate our new situation? The first two things Janeway does are a) giving the guy who just came out of a penal colony a rank and b) deciding that she needs to be more familiar with her crew than is normally encouraged for a captain because she’s essentially their mom now. Developing doesn’t have to mean characters do a 180 on their initial personality, or characters getting killed off when stuff gets “boring” so that others can do edgy things in response. 

Voyager upholds Trek’s premise and runs it to its logical conclusion: 

Voyager has the most literal trek--a trek back home. 

Voyager has the most diverse crew--a woman Captain, Native American First officer, black Vulcan, Asian-American communications officer, and a White Dude pilot that realizes he wants to be soft and kind towards those who took a chance on him because Toxic Masculinity who? 

Voyager has the most literal family--not just a 5+ year mission, but a crew who expects to raise the next generation. They have no choice but to work together, so they indeed come together rather than pulling apart

Except they do, of course, have a choice. In “The 37′s” the crew is allowed to stay on the Earth-like planet with a city of other humans and Janeway is convinced that a sizable number will choose that. After all, they may never get home and this is a safer, kinder future for them. In fact, the real question is whether so many will stay that they can no longer run the ship... but Janeway would never dictate her crew’s choices in that manner. So she swallows her worry down, opens the door... 

... and finds that not a single person decided to stay behind. And the show has ensured we understand that this is not just because they all have some unshakable belief that they’ll get home (many don’t), but because this is their family now. This is home. 

And fans want to toss that out for a generic, gritty, sci-fi adventure where hope is scarce, the universe is cruel, and people need to be pushed to the limit just to admit that they maybe, sort of, like each other?? Obviously like what you like, but that’s a hard pass for me. I’ll take the bridge crew comforting each other in “Twisted,” thanks. Besides, we already have shows like that. And we already have DS9 which grapples with many of those dark, pessimistic themes. Voyager feels like a breath of fresh air, even within the breath of fresh air that is Star Trek as a franchise. It’s a show that says, “Yes, when everything goes wrong people will come together. They will love each other. They will make it through.” 

What’s more Star Trek than that? 

[z3llous]

Thoughts on the whole cake arc (part 1)

(Language, possible trigger, and potential spoiler warning)(also dumb jokes ahead)

The baddies:

This pudding has a gun

I expected to hate Pudding, but I'm just like "*sigh* This bitch." I am lowkey just tired of her already and I haven't even gotten to the part where she falls for Sanji yet. I'll probably post more thoughts on her later.

That one dude who I don't care about enough to remember his name

Sanji's dad is an S tier level shit lord 💩💩💩. Like how dare he talk to my boy like that. He thinks he's all that with a cherry on top, but that fucker couldn't get a bitch on his own even if his life depended on it. We both know damn well Sora didn't pick him. (I also don't believe Sora had a choice in having kids and what they did in their bedroom (இдஇ; ))

Resi vamp mommy gone wrong

Big mom is somehow my least favorite out of all the shitty people in this arc so far... And there are a lot of shitty people here. I think it's because she's just the root of most problems. Like damn sis just pick one. But no you gotta stick your nasty lil paw in everyone's cookie jars don't ya?

The pink one

(she's technically in this group, sorry)

I thought I'd like Reiju. I really did. I'm in the middle ground with her. She's ok, but I think she could use a touch more distinctness in her personality. I kinda like her relationship with Sanji since they don't truly get along. I don't want her and Sanji to be besties, because it wouldn't feel right after everything. Other than that she feels kinda simple.

Tweedle dee, tweedle dumb, and tweedle dumber

The three bros suck. Fuck those guys. Not gonna lie I kept getting Ichiji and Niji confused (Can you blame me???) They have no thoughts. Head empty. They all share one brain cell and one personality, if you consider ass hole a personality.

Egg man

The egg dude had me shooketh when he cracked. Like bro that was more horrifying than blood. Also how many evolutions did that damn pokemon have?

The goodies

Stretch Armstrong

Luffy is such good boy (he always is, but it just really showed) He just wants his friend back╥﹏╥. No lie I cringed so hard at the sound of his arms tearing. It was so genuinely traumatizing that I can't imagine being in Nami's position. My heart feels warm seeing him and Sanji talk things out (Although the punch did feel a little uncalled for I'll let it slide since he didn't fight back earlier. Also it probably helped Sanji feel less guilty about it.)

Sugar mommy but legit just sugar

Sora is so cute omg. I feel cheated not seeing more of her. She's so soft it makes me wish I had a mum like her, but that's just my mommy issues talking. Seriously tho she deserved better. I wish her and Sanji could've ran away together. I'd pay money to see that version. Why you gotta horde all the soft mommies, Oda? Eh? Share bro. We need them in this cruel world.

Weather queen

Nami needs therapy. Poor girl is not ok. Well, she technically is now in the part I'm at, but for real someone give that poor woman a break. She saw her captain get the shit beat out of him after so much struggle and by the one they're trying to save no less, then Luffy's flesh tearing horror house began, and Jimbe is like let's just put this nice burning torch here and see what happens.

Nami:

Spooky scary skeleton

Brook was cool and fun here. I really liked his side mission. He's clever and I'm living for it. Also that sass he was dishing out on big mom was immaculate.

Cat boy

Pedro is a nice edition. I really like him. He has uncle vibes and gets along well with everyone. His lil fantasy moment during the Brook rescue was lovely. He does his best and that's all I can ask of him.

Christmas and Easter mascots

Chopper and Carrot have been together the whole time so far and I like it. They make a really good team. Just all around wholesome vibes :>

Shark boy no lava girl

(No I will not apologize for the reference)

It's good to see Jimbe again. He hasn't done much yet so far, but I'm excited none the less. I hope he'll join the crew soon and become part of the shenanigans. We need more of his chill wise man vibes.

Beloved golden retriever

Sanji. Sanji. Sanji. My poor boy. He's too sweet for his own good. My god do I love him. I won't deny how much I love the outfit, he looks good in ruffles. I was sad, love struck, and extremely protective throughout the sad boi hours. Everytime he got hurt I wanted so badly to just punch the fucker that did it. He's not a failure. Not even close. He's such a good boy ಥ_ಥ. I can't express how much I loved hearing him talk about what was going on with him. Yes please 👏. Tell us more. I wish he got to the chance to talk more about his feelings, but I guess that's all I'm going to get for now.

I didn't talk about bege since I just got to the part where they agree to work together so I'll post part 2 when I finish the arc. Then I'll talk about all the shit that goes down.