#I'm not even going to go into a depressive episode that may last for months after the game ends in tragedy

[luxlightly]

The golden arm variant is just going to be a summoner arm that lets you call your husband Gabriel to help you fight it's fine he's fine he's going to be fine I'm clearly fine

[theoddest1]

Hazbin Hotel episode 5 is a rushed mess.

May just make this a continual thing where I review the episodes from here on out.

-Right off the bat, the pacing for this episode is probably the worst out of all other episodes so far. Things just begin abruptly (Lucifer's first song with Al for instance), no build up, 5 months have passed in only 5 episodes of barely any progress or focus on Charlie as a character, a random character that didn't need to be introduced but was anyway ruined the flow further, and this stupid ass rivalry all on the basis of who's the "better dad" is legit the most random conflict of any conflict so far. That will get a point all on its own along with some of the other things mentioned. The pacing left no real breathing room aside from 2 moments: Al's rise to power and Husk n Al's convo. I wanna say the second song would be a 3rd but it just resolves an issue that was present for seemingly years and pulled a "Stolas" with having a song or sob story as an excuse for the lack of effort to reach out and be a better dad. Lazy writing and pacing overall.

-5 months....5 months have passed with barely anything revolving around helping sinners or trust built around the main cast SHOWN ON SCREEN. We are told important information opposed to witnessing the progress itself. This is not only lazy but extremely jarring cause it feels as though episodes were skipped and bonds feel unearned. They get easily resolved in what feels like seconds, and we're just supposed to....deal with it. Angel and Husk barely interact throughout this episode, which, after the crazy ride they had, with the knowledge of a SEVERAL MONTHS passing by as well, you'd think Angel would be shown to be more chatty with him....which he doesn't. Nothing crazy, just small bits of them interacting and enjoying each other's company. Nah. We get that next episode, and even THAT'S lacking. I'll tackle that in a separate post. But yeah, 5 months, and we have yet to see the other guests' views and how it has changed for the better or the process of them realizing WHY they would go for redemption. How that has affected them. Nothing of note has come about from any of these. No other sinners have joined. No other demons seem interested in Charlie's Hotel. Nothing. We are told things have been done, yet it feels like we are still at the starting line, or well, a foot away from it and miles away from the finish.

- Lucifer is a joke. I don't mind me a goofy threat, it adds a charm to them but also shows that they take so little seriously due to their immense power....not Lucifer. No, that guy just....is a joke. Dude is in his mansion making fucking toy ducks for some reason and just has depression (show said it outright, not even depression is spared from "tell don't show")

He does literally nothing, doesn't seem to WANT to do anything, and no one respects the guy. Nearly all in the Hotel lack fear, intimidation, or admiration for the guy (Pentious is the only one who seems to exhibit admiration of some kind). The closest we got is being uncomfortable. That's it. Then there's his scuffle with Alastor. Tell me why he feels the need to argue with this sucka again? Cause last I checked, Alastor is a mere overlord, and Lucifer is The Devil. Wtf is this randomass rivalry that just...S T A R T S? Why does Lucifer get intimidated or moved by Al? It makes no sense. Lucifer has been alive far longer than humanity itself, but nah this random fuck who looks like he robbed a blood bank got him weeping insecurities? I'm supposed to take this sad excuse of a character seriously? How many of these carbon copy characters will Viv make until I finally end my suffering???

-Wtf is Alastor's deal? Why is he so pressed and annoyed? One moment he is as cool and collected as a cucumber and showing only SLIGHT annoyance (Vox and His song), then he goes to meetings and speaks with people far older, far more experienced, and/or far stronger than he show no interest and he gets pissy? How insecure is he that people not caring where he's gone or thinking his ideas are wack is what leads to his eye twitching and him throwing a random ass cuss. Seriously, THAT'S what got him to swear? That his idea for the hotel's name is stupid? BFFR! You can not be serious right now, THAT'S what gets him going? You'd think with how witty and chill he was in the pilot, he would find a quick and a effective smart-ass comeback, not essentially bitch at The Devil. This makes Alastor look like a thin-skinned wannabe, too cause these minor ass comebacks are why he has lost his edge along with some randomass song number?? And at the end of the day, Al just couldn't be damned anymore to even care by the end of the episode, he doesn't speak with Lucifer or give any stank looks, doesn't speak with Charlie, does NOTHING pertaining to the issues prior, nah, he just stands there and watches after telling Mimzy to go away. Some say he did this to simply piss Lucifer off, but that doesn't make sense (not saying it ain't true, just saying if it is, it's nonsensical). First off, if that were the case, why was he annoyed even BEFORE seeing the guy?

If he only wanted to get a rise, why is HE getting angry? Trolls usually don't care enough to be this pissed. Second, wtf would he even gain from doing this? What to help push Lucifer to be a better father to Charlie, request by Lilith to Al so that Lucifer can get his act together?? If so, that's the LAZIEST shit I have ever heard. Lucifer is such a joke, he needed a SINNER to get him back on track....

Regardless, this whole father shit by Al comes out of nowhere and ruins the goddamn flow of the episode. Prior to it all, Al has shown NO interest in anyone and has done jack shit. Wtf does he even do? He's done ONE thing so far and that was help for the commercial. Alastor has shown to be completely useless as of now.

-Charlie, why is she treated as tho she isn't a grown ass woman? She's babied to hell and back and despite being the daughter of Lucifer, hasn't shown any of her abilities to help the hotel. So Lucifer can summon shit but not her? Is she that useless? Also, gotta love how she never asks her dad about the Valentino situation to help Angel out. Man...what a great ass friend. She also doesn't find it weird that Al is just suddenly...babying her? She has zero awareness of everything, I guess, which is getting annoying now. You're over 200 years of age (went to high school in the 1800s according to what her comic was about, but guess that's retconned based on what happens in the following episode).

So she doesn't use her abilities to tidy up the place, she doesn't act her damn age, she doesn't do anything to help her sexually assaulted friend. What a damn joke, just like her dad.

-Mimzy shouldn't have been in an episode about Lucifer. Plain and simple. Her character should have been introduced in one of the earlier episodes. Not during fucking this. And we got a repeat of the pilot with Alastor's backstory retold. So they're down to retell his rise to power but not to make at least a proper recap of the events that happened prior? Key word....PROPER.

-Husk caring about Mimzy bringing trouble is actually fucking stupid. Because of the lack of proper build up to him now finding more reason to like the Hotel, it feels forced that he would be worried about what danger Mimzy brought. And on top of that, yeah...ALASTOR IS RIGHT THERE. You know who else is there? LUCIFER. I get it, Lucifer stood by and watched as the Hotel was being swatted, but he also sang a song about providing what Charlie asked for, meaning if she had asked her dad, he woukd be down to help, so WHY TF IS HE WORRIED???? Also , is Charlie just INCAPABLE of fighting for herself?? "She doesn'twanna hurt sinners-" so she had no defensive abilities??? What???? Also, that's a damn lie, she fought Katie Killjoy on live Tv. Are no other damn people capable of protecting the Hotel??? Why did Al need to step in for that? They were just LOAN SHARKS.

Anyway, the scene where Husk is probing Alastor about Mimzy and treating him as a pet is decently paced and the tone was pretty neat, sucks that this feels like their way of showing that Husk is also under a leash like Angel rather than him being treated as a joke, which btw...horrid way to compare the two. Wanna know why? One is subjected to an onslaught of sexual assault whether he was pushing Val's buttons or not, and forced to be assaulted by various men around him, passed around like a thing. The other is Husk, who legit disrespected Alastor and had to push at him to get such humiliation and terror, and guess what....Al still ended up pushing Mimzy away after she did end up bringing trouble, so he did essentially listen to Husk in his own distant way. This is the ONLY TIME we see Al be downright mean to Husk and probably the only time. Angel has been subjected to nothing but horrid assault after assault no matter the situation. So I better not see anyone say, "SEE LOOK, THEY'RE BOTH ABUSED" stfu. Nothing about their situations are even remotely similar. Just cause the chains are the same doesn't mean the users are. EDIT: Ima say this before people act like I excuse this. No, I am not excusing Alastor's actions. I am pointing out what happened on screen. Husk mocked Alastor, Alastor retaliated out of anger(much like how Angel retaliated at Husk in ep 4 after Husk kept arguing and mocking him) by pulling out the chains to shut him up. He didn't even hit Husk. Again, I'm not excusing it, just pointing out how vastly different Husk and Angel's situations are and how one overlord reacts compared to the other....who is a straight-up rapist.

-Both the songs are mid/ok but pulled down by the awful storytelling....shame. I at first was not fond of Lucifer's voice.....it's ok now, I guess. Idk. I'm still not really feeling it, though.

Episode sucked ass

Pacing was all over the place

ALASTOR AND LUCIFER ARE PISS BABIES

[invpulse]

I haven't seen a lot of discussion about RSD when it comes to ADHD discussions, so I thought I would do the honors since it's been affecting me for many years and I'd like people to know more about it!

I have had a diagnosis for ADHD but was never told- instead learning I had autism through therapy but still having some behaviors that I could never explain that just Happened.

I learned I had ADHD over the summer, and with that, severe rejection sensitive dysphoria.

before reading, please keep in mind that this is mostly talking from personal experience and some skimmed research! not experiencing RSD doesn't mean you do/don't have ADHD, and it may not appear like how it appeared for me. I don't only have autism + adhd either, so those may also contribute to any differences! ^^

RSD is the immense emotional pain after being criticized, rejected, or even teased (ignore my misspell in the panel). This rejection can be real or perceived, and we react like this because it hurts.

The pain can manifest as aggression, bringing on symptoms of depression (thoughts of s/h, isolation, demotivation, etc) and anxiety/panic attacks.

it can cause physical aliments like the above. For me, it causes my heartrate to skyrocket, heart palpitations, the feeling of being in a crisis, and extreme shaking to occur along with stomach pain.

(In fact, right now I'm going through it because making a post talking about this, despite having & dealing with it, makes me scared of other's opinions on it.)

RSD can also take the form of avoiding situations, people, or conversations where rejection or criticism is very possible.

Like other types of dysphoria, it is out of our control and hard to manage. It can last from days to weeks to months, all depending on both the trigger* and the individual.

I had a RSD episode that was on-and-off for a little over a year or two; getting more tame and bearable as it slowly drifted and stopped haunting my mind with the incident.

Compared to the other times my RSD was set off, this moment was a rather big moment in my life and ended up permanently changing me moving forward - which can be the reason why it lasted so long.

Despite how unbearable it can get, there are some ways to cope with it & lessen the effect it has.

Communicate - If you need time to process something that's told to you, you should say so (as difficult as it is). Tell the person(s) involved about your RSD, how you need time to digest information like this and take some time to relax. Trying to respond to the information while going through the head of the dysphoria will be very rough and might not be what you truly want to say.

Distract - This is really useful for me personally! Do something that grabs your attention or occupies your mind. One of RSD's main symptoms is rumination, thinking of something over and over again. I usually listen to music, draw, or play a game that won't frustrate me - like minecraft! (i'd say rain world but some of you would call me a maniac /lhj)

Perspective - This may require some communication, but it can really help and connect with others. See what the involved people thought / perceived, explain, talk. This doesn't always have the chance to end in rainbows and rekindling but at least you understand. Sometimes simply hearing the person explain their own side is enough to ease my RSD, being able to have someone explain themselves to me so i can understand them better.

I also wanna point out the "don't take it personally" thing that people try to use to deal with it isn't something i agree with since we're going to take it personally at first regardless. Later on, not really, but you're trying to cope with the symptoms... telling someone (or yourself) that they're too sensitive & over-reacting is the worse thing you could do.

With time, you can even begin to build up your 'armor' and be able to sustain yourself in situations you might get hurt in. Of course, some things may be able to sneak past and hurt you more than you expect, but at the end of the day, you're trying your best to go about it the best you can while taking so many blows. you're doing great.

OK i dont have a lot more to add so if anyone else would like to talk about their experiences, please feel free! Character showcased here was my beloved fursona Shiki! i'm just a little neurodivergent + black artist from new york :]

hope you enjoyed it! sorry for the long post </3

[bookishbrewer]

⚠️ CW: Suicide, Toxic relationships, depression, mention of self-harm

Why I believe that House's story ends with tragedy post season 8 - an opinion piece:

Hello everyone, this is a remake of a post I did a couple years ago on an older blog. If you find it familiar, I'm sorry if this one is a bit messier than the original. It's been longer since my last rewatch.

So, let's recap the finale of House MD: Treating a drug addict patient results in House examining his life, his future and confronting his own personal demons.

As we know, House ends up faking his death in this episode, after going on a 2 day drug fuelled bender with his drug addicted patient. The patient ends up overdosing & dying, and House remains to confront his 8 seasons worth of demons. At the end he escapes the firery scene & fakes his death by switching his medical records. After all of that, he runs away with Wilson to spend his remaining 5 months to live.

Before House replies to what Wilson is saying, he thinks for a moment. I want try & piece together what was going through his head at that moment evaluating his life:

1. Every romantic relationship with House ends in heartbreak

Stacy

Season 2, Episode 11

Cameron

Season 3, Episode 8

Lydia

Season 5, Episode 23-24

Cuddy

Season 5, Episode 6 // Season 7, Episode 23

Dominika

Season 8, Episode 13 // Season 8, Episode 18

Every single one of these relationship was ended because House either deliberately behaved in a way that would push the love interest away or by breaking their trust. House was never actively malicious towards his partners, but he was not a very good partner. He was self centered, self loathing, very much focused on himself (even when trying to be as supportive & caring as possible) but at the end of every relationship, the women understood that they could not remain in a Healthy relationship with House. Either because he refused to tackle his addiction, his psychological distress & trauma or be honest with them and respect them as equal to him in their relationship.

2. House's relationship with his family

House was severely abused by his father, a military man, both physically & emotionally. His mother did not protect him from said abuse (probably because of feeling deeply guilty about her affair that gave birth to Gregory), which lead to him growing in an abusive houshold that was built on lies, dysfunction & distance (which partially explains his behavior in the show, especially his approach to human nature: "Everybody Lies"). House was never really close with his parents, so it would make sense that he would not rely on them for support in any way, not even in a life or death situation such as him feeling at his lowest in every aspect of his life. In addition to that, he may even doubt how much his loss would effect his parents if something were to happen to him.

3. House's suicidal ideation

House is shown numerous times in the show to not reject the option of ending his life. He actively tries to commit suicide twice during the show (Merry Little Christmas, season 3 episode 11 // Simple Explanation, season 5 episode 20), ponders it in the season finale (Everybody Dies, season 8 episode 22) but decides against it, choosing to fake his death instead.

In addition to that, he also indulges in self-harm in the form of cutting himself (also "Merry Little Christmas" & "Nobody's Fault"), intentionally hurting his limbs (leg - "Under My Skin", hand - "After Hours").

Like Wilson said, House cannot go back from that decision (similarly to how you can never come back from suicide). He can never have access his addictions: puzzles (medicine) & escapism (Vicodin & other drugs). We know how House gets without his meds, he becomes... A shadow of himself. Sometimes it's a violent dark figure, sometimes it's an apathetic & silent husk, sometimes it's a dark creature screaming in agony, sometimes it's just House, but something is off. Without constant puzzles, dissecting human nature & feeding his ego & emotional needs, he's lost.

Unlike other characters, like Dexter Morgan from the Showtime series "Dexter" House never treats suicide like it is somehow "beneath him":

Dexter speaks to Sg. Doakes, Season 2 Episode 11

Compare & contrast that to House's reaction to Taub pleading with House to try & understand Wilson's decision to discontinue his cancer treatment & to die with dignity:

Season 8, Episode 21

Just the thought of Wilson passing away before his time triggers House's suicidal thoughts. He disregards the patients & visitors in the background, the colleagues that may hear, Taub himself, everyone. This, in my opinion was the start of the "nothing else matters anymore" mindset. House was already at the end of his rope, and losing the person he loves more than anything else in the world was just... Too much.

4. House doesn't see a future without Wilson

In season 6, Episode 10, House refuses to be present during Wilson's surgery at first:

Wilson: I want you to be there

House, after thinking: No.

Wilson: Why?

House: Because if you die, I'm alone.

House cannot fathom the possibility of witnessing Wilson die. He cannot even consider for a moment to stand before Wilson's lifeless body & realizing that this is it, he is completely & utterly alone in this world.

We see multiple times that House not only cares deeply about Wilson, he is also dependant on him, to the point of the relationship often becoming toxic for both of them (hurting other relationships, sabotaging new ones, need for validation of both the relationship itself & both of them of each other individually, indulging unhealthy behaviors towards others etc).

But we all remember how that situation concluded:

House watching over Wilson as a big bright light washes over him as he loses consciousness. To me, this seems like foreshadowing for what's to come after the season finale, after those last 5 months.

Another thing that caught my eye was him stating "I can live without Kyle" (season 8, episode 20) when referring to a guy that stole Wilson's prom date when he was in highschool. He wanted to immitate said 'Kyle' for the entire episode, trying his best to act uncaring, aloof, "alpha". Essentially, to act out of character. But numerous times in said episode, Wilson still displayed the very same characteristics that both House and the audience love so much about him. So House affirms that he cannot live in a world without Wilson, just the way he is.

5. House is willing to preform a "mercy kill" for his close friends

In the episode "The Dig" (Season 7, Episode 18), House assures Thirteen, who's diagnosed with Huntington's, that he is willing to euthanize her when her Huntington symptoms worsen (this happens after Thirteen confides in House, telling him about how she killed her own brother after his Huntington symptoms worsened. House's reaction left Thirteen shocked, hurt & disappointed, as it seemed like he did not care at all. But we know he did, very deeply).

House gets a positive reaction from Thirteen, which is later also approved to the audience & the people in House's funeral when she states in her eulogy: "He was willing to kill me". Wilson, as we know, is also in the audience. He then knows that House is willing to preform a "mercy kill" on a loved one. He also mentions it in the finale:

Wilson: When the cancer starts getting really bad-

House, putting a halmet on: Cancer's boring.

I want us to return to the "I'm dead, Wilson" scene:

House is at a point in which he feels like he has nothing left to lose. He has no close friends that give him meaning besides Wilson, no family to rely on, no romantic relationship seems to last, he feels powerless when it comes to his addiction to drugs, he is facing jail time after accidently breaking an MRI machine with Foreman's ticket gift which he flushed down the hospital's toilet (which may as well cause him to be fired & lose his job and/or license to practice medicine, in addition to the fact he faked his own death).

We already know that House is prone to depression, self harm & suicidal ideation (including attempts), we've covered that he is willing to end a loved ones life if there is no medical solution to their health related state, we know that Wilson is not (to our knowledge up to the last episode) willing to go through any other treatment & we know that House cannot live without Wilson.

Adding all of this up & remembering the foreshadowing of Wilson's health related issue & House's course of action (watching over him as a bright light covers the screen as he loses consciousness) I believe that after those 5 months, when the cancer gets really bad, House will take Wilson's life... And then, his own.

This is essentially the end of the post, but I would like to add a few things:

Disclaimer: this post is not meant in any way to promote, encourage or agree with anything that supports one taking their own life, self harming or any other kind of self inflicted damage. This is just a theory based on how I've precieved House's character.

I am considering writing a short fic based on this post, and would like to know if anyone is interested in reading it.

Thank you very much for reading, have a good day 🙏🏼

[pumpkzsafeplace]

bear and babbles 🧸ྀི⋆˚✿˖°

welcome to the second episode of bear and babbles!! last week went really well, so we're excited to continue & help as much as we can hehe! ૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა.

key code │ 🧸 - daddy │ 🍼 - pumpkin.

what is bear & babbles!

bear & babbles is a cute thing that we decided to create to help talk about agere in a safe environment! we will be answering questions (both me & daddy!) and answering some emails!!

i think it'll be fun to see both point of views too, from a little (and someone who struggles with mental health) + a caregiver whose been in the role for a while now.

all emails & messages will be addressed anonymously, please don't include real names!

today's topic: triggering topics

i decided to dedicate this weeks epsisode on dealing with trigger topics given what this month means to a lot of people & although it's important to talk about a lot of things, it still can be heard to deal with <3

˗ˏˋ ꒰ ♡ ꒱ ˎˊ˗˗ˏˋ ꒰ ♡ ꒱ ˎˊ˗˗ˏˋ ꒰ ♡ ꒱ ˎˊ˗

🍼 : for me, i find it sometimes difficult dealing with triggering topics as 9/10 the triggering will happen when i least expect it. i've dealt with so much in my life, that i think i forget sometimes that i'm not some emotionless human- and that things do affect me.

for me personally, i've found that it's harder to deal with the emotional side of being triggered rather than the triggered epsiode itself. i always end up feeling guilty and embarrased for reacting the way i did, like it's a moment of weakness and vulnerability i don't want anyone to see- like it makes me less of a person.

when that isn't the case.

i think the more i've tried to work on myself, i try to see my triggered epsiodes as more as a shout for for help rather than an embarrasing moment. & when that happens, i do my best to comfort and console the part of me that never recieved that love when the incidents occured (if that makes sense).

triggering will happen, especially when you're healing from things other people don't know about. but i think as a society, we've gotten better at accepting each others limits, and knowing how to comfort or even appologise when it goes too far.

but if you're struggling to calm down during an epsiode, here are things i do to help.

🠲 distract yourself : whether that be by music, by youtube, by asmr videos - distract yourself with something you love, something you care about (no sad, depressing playlists!)

🠲 reach out if you need to : you don't even have to talk about it if you're not comfortable, but instead you could suggest watching a movie with someone, going out for a walk, little things to help take your mind off it.

🠲 comfort & console : remind yourself that you will heal from this fully, and you will get better. it doesn't make you weak that you got upset. you're allowed to grieve & hurt, that doesn't make you any less of a fighter or any weaker!

also know that i believe in you, you will always have someone fighting in your corner <3.

🧸 : When it comes to triggering topics, you have to approach people with the triggers in mind. it's easy to believe that something is not a big deal for you, when in reality it could be a massive deal to somebody else.

The person in question may appraoch their struggles differently, even joke about their trauma- but that doesn't mean that they're not still stuggling with it, or will not still be affected by certain jokes/topics.

It's important to approach senstive topics in a way that makes them comfortable, and sometimes that may be in different ways that you think. i.e, texting instead of speaking, telling things vageuly instead of to the point.

As long as you're willing to listen and adapt you should be okay, and for those who are suffering- just know that there are people around that care about you, they might put their foot in their mouth sometimes when it comes to certain things, but they care, they're just learning too :).

˗ˏˋ ꒰ ♡ ꒱ ˎˊ˗˗ˏˋ ꒰ ♡ ꒱ ˎˊ˗˗ˏˋ ꒰ ♡ ꒱ ˎˊ˗

i hoped this helped anyone who needed it !! <3

if you want to send an email for us to respond to, or if you have any quick fire questions you wanted answered more in depth, leave a comment or send an email using the address below!!

(tee_bee_bambi(@)hotmail.com)

gif isn't mine

[thestrangestthing89]

A Neverending Story and Dawson's Creek both end with this idea of a story within a story. Dawson creates a tv show about his teen years called The Creek and it's the same dialogue as the first episode of the show. A Neverending Story ends with the reveal that the audience is viewing the story of Bastian while he is viewing the story of Atreyu.

There is a blending of fantasy and reality with the story coming to life for Bastian and how this relates to Stranger Things and the ending being revealed to be a story within the story (i.e. it's a story being written by one of the characters, likely Mike).

Atreyu is a projection of Bastian. Bastian is a quiet kid with a bowl cut who gets bullied. He is grieving his mothers death so he escapes into a story to cope. Atreyu is a warrior child who fights battles but ultimately it's Bastian who needs to save everyone.

El represents Atreyu and Will represents Bastian. And how Will could have created El to cope with a non-supernatural trauma.

El and Will are confused for each other several times in S1. And how Max asked her if she was real when she was fighting Henry. And how El and Will look the same in S4. The same bangs, El wearing Will's clothes. Like she is morphing into him as he grows more comfortable with himself. Like she may not be there at the end because he doesn't need her to save him anymore.

It seems like Atreyu is the main character because he gets the most screen time but the story is about Bastian and his grief the whole time.

The Nothing represents depression creeping in and the loss of hope. And how the Upside Down is a cold, dark place that is void of hope and how it's now creeping into Hawkins when the town is showing its worst impulses.

And I'm thinking about the movie poster. And how Bastian - the main character who the whole story is about - isn't even on the poster at all. And how The Empress - who is on screen for 5 minutes is the largest person on the poster. And how Atreyu - who gets the most screen time - is pretty small.

Because movie posters are misleading and they don't want to give away the story. So when people say El is the main character because she is biggest on the poster and Will is really small - it doesn't matter at all. Because I'm pretty sure this whole story is about Will and his grief and how he learned to cope with it even if one of the ways he learned to cope was by creating a stronger version of himself until he was ready to face things on his own.

It's Susie who is associated with A Neverending Story and how her house is absolutely important.

Susie is also associated with A Wizard of Earthsea by Ursula K. Le Guin. About 2 boys who go on an adventure to stop a shadow much like I suspect Mike and Will will go into the Upside Down to fight the Big Bad in the end.

Because even though Dustin and Susie are cute, realistically two 13 year olds who spent 1 month together wouldn't be able to survive a long-distance relationship. But they are fine. So what is Susie's deal? Is she the narrator? The Empress? Does she know everything that's about to happen and will help Will with something at the end? Is she secretly working for the government because she's a genius hacker and finds out valuable intel? I'm kidding about the last one. Mostly. But she's important.

[amewinterswriting]

Fresh off the phone call with my doctor and I can report: I have polycystic ovarian syndrome! Woo! This isn't actually bad news, exactly - I knew it was very likely, given a family history and symptoms, and since I definitely don't want children, it's more a confirmation that what I was experiencing isn't normal and I shouldn't be expected to just 'deal with it' and that going onto birth control as a committed lesbian with a cis(ish) partner makes perfect sense.

Below the cut is frank and no nonsense description of menstrual symptoms. While not explicitly NSFW, it might be squicky or uncomfortable reading in public.

So, friends, Romans and fellow countrymen with uterii, here are some symptoms you might want to get checked out:

Are your periods irregular? As they might come earlier or later than expected, they might last for only a few days one month and then two weeks the next? You might skip the bleeding entirely but get other symptoms like mood instability, tenderness of breasts and cramping. You might get periods only a week apart from each other or five weeks apart from each other with no discernible reason.

Do you experience intense feelings of 'unexplainable' sadness or irrationality or irritability and then start your period a day or so later? You might chalk these episodes up to a kind of depression at the time, but over time you might notice a pattern of them only happening or getting noticeably worse pre-bleeding.

Do you bleed heavily during your period? As in, you only ever buy 'overnight' or '8 hour' sanitary products because if you used anything less absorbent you would bleed through them within an hour and stain clothing or bedding? Do you still somehow manage to bleed through an 'overnight' sanitary product despite putting a fresh one on before sleep and you have a graveyard of ruined bedsheets? Yeah, turns out that isn't normal and that's the one that really surprised me. You might also pass large clots of bloody substance (usually uterine lining that hasn't broken down properly but when everything is covered with blood, it's pretty difficult to tell for sure).

Is your pain while bleeding at a level that over the counter medication like paracetamol (tylenol) and ibuprofen at recommended dose and taken together still often doesn't eradicate the pain entirely, if at all. Stronger medication like co-codamol (codeine and paracetamol) may or may not help temporarily. You might experience the effects of any painkillers being short-lived, and you might have taken doses closer together than recommended (every 3 hours instead of 4, for example). You might have taken muscle relaxers like tranexamic acid with some limited success as managing cramping.

Is your pain so strong that it wakes you up as soon as pain medication wears off overnight? Do you have disturbed sleep (waking up at least once a night while bleeding) and struggle to get back to sleep again until the fresh dose of medication kicks in?

Do you naturally grow dark hair in places atypical of AFAB people? Facial hair and/or chest hair in particular. (Luckily I'm not all that concerned about my gender presentation - which is why I say cis(ish) - but I do find it funny that my beard grows the odd grey hair when I've never found any greys on my head hair!)

If any of this sounds familiar, it isn't normal and it's worth getting checked out. Even without POS, it could be something like thyroid not functioning normally, androgen insensitivity or any number of other things.

If you are going to get it checked out, a good doctor should recommend blood tests (and if not, push them for blood tests and describe your symptoms in as much bloody detail as you can). These should screen for all of the above. In my particular case, the blood tests were inconclusive because I was already taking progesterone to manage periods (highly recommend if you are able to take it - a daily pill, entirely stopped my periods after a couple of months and that's a fairly common use of it. It tends not to cause the erratic moods and unpredictable periods of estrogen-based contraception but do your own research) and that masked some of the hormonal markers of POS. (I would have had to have stopped birth control for three months to get more conclusive blood tests, which would have been nice to know before I had bloods drawn, so I could make that choice.)

If bloods are inconclusive (and possibly even if they are a strong indicator of a problem), you might be referred to get a transvaginal ultrasound. They will use an ultrasound device to get images externally (with you having a full bladder, like a pregnancy ultrasound you might have seen on television) and potentially internally, with a condom covered probe. They should ask you if you have any concerns about penetration, latex allergies and for your consent, and you may or may not have a chaperone/assistant present to check up on you and how you are feeling throughout. In my experience, it was awkward but painless, and I'd much rather have another transvaginal ultrasound than another pap/smear test.

Treatment options are limited with POS. My doctor did discuss his reluctance to recommend a hysterectomy with me, which is perfectly valid: it is a major operation with all the risks that involves, including anesthesia and proximity to other vital organs. There's also the long recovery period which would sign me off work for a period of time. We did discuss the fertility aspect briefly, but my doctor seemed far more worried about 'risks from complicated surgery' than 'you might want a child someday' and he readily accepted that I had already had the child-free conversation with my wife and we were both enthusiastically on board with never having children and had been for some time.

At the moment, I'm happy to continue taking progesterone, as it has entirely removed all my period-related symptoms with virtually no side effects (I feel like libido might be a little lower than it was and I might have gained a small amount of weight but both of those could also be lifestyle related changes). The only thing it doesn't stop is facial/body hair but that can be managed by usual cosmetic routes if desired. But this does give me the information to make informed choices if I do need to come off of birth control for any reasons (they do carry a small additional risk of breast cancer, and aren't suitable if you have high blood pressure or are prone to migraines and those are only the things I know off the top of my head that might result in me coming off them). But it's also just the confirmation that no, I wasn't being unreasonable about this, I shouldn't have had to 'just deal with it' for so long and I honestly wish I'd gotten the ball rolling on this years ago.

Another potential treatment for trans masc folks: testosterone does usually stop or reduce period symptoms, so that's worth considering and researching if you were planning to go on T anyway.

So yeah, if your uterus is making your life a pain and you don't know why, consider this your sign to go get it looked at, if you can. You don't have to live with it, there are potential options to manage and/or cure it, depending on what exactly you have going on. I won't lie, I had to drive a lot of this myself and specifically request that this gets looked at, and that was very difficult for a few reasons (I'm not comfortable with phonecalls, I've had to make and transport myself to all the appointments, I'm autistic and my mother isn't super fond of doctors or medication, so I've had to do this independently as an adult when this could have been picked up as a teenager and I'll probably always be bitter about that) but it has been so worth doing.

[mamabearwonders]

Ever have those rough days where you just wanna give up, something crazy cool happens then you look up to the sky and say to your dearly departed loved ones, "I know that was you"? Well, that was me tonight.

At work, I had a chat with a young man. He said what he puts his faith into has carried him through his whole life and that's going to tie into what just happened now. Pretty cosmic.🪐🌠

Most of my friends gained their black heavy metal emo-y angel wings early.🪽Then I met Wolfie👼🏼 last year. His wings were ready, my heart was not. So the last few months of his life, we lived it up. We acknowledged his suffering, but we also gave him the best months of his life. It was like we were infinite and not on a timeline.

Flsonfor the past year, I've been in a pretty bad depressive episode. Things are piling up and I just wanted to cry tonight. Then I spontaneously decided to go on a walk. I found a leaf in the hallway that I kept and I saw it was snowing outside. And I knew my loved ones were with me.

It may seem a little silly, but there's been so many times I can tell my loved ones are with me, that it's no longer a coincidence. Wolfie crossed over right at the beginning of a new season, fall. The leaf reminds me of that new journey for him and a new journey for me. The transition from fall to winter. As if he's saying to start the next chapter.

Nobody has it figured out. We're the memories of stars experiencing being human for a little while on a meatball shaped planet spiraling through an infinite impossible galaxy.

My friends and I weren't even supposed to live as long as we did. I think because we have been surviving for most of our lives, we don't acknowledge how badass we really are and what we're capable of.

And I think Tumblr is kind of like the solar system💫. We're all different parts of galaxies and milky ways and stars coming together on here to find who understands our own little world. We're not all that alone.

It was nice to just feel the snow☃️. I hope my friends get to experience the seasons on the other side as well. I don't know all of what I believe in, but I do know that wherever my loved ones are, they're in a beautiful place.

Every time they're near, every physical and mental pain I'm feeling just poof goes away for a little bit. And it's a reminder that even though sometimes life is a shit show and it's perfectly okay to be sad and sit with your feelings for a little bit and not have it all figured out, there have been good times. Our suffering is very valid, but sometimes I have to dwell on something else than the pain or it just drives me crazy.

It's hard to see sometimes when you're just surviving. So sometimes you need to just have a little sit and a little snack and free yourself from not having everything figured out.🌟

[dearfeathers--lovelaz]

To My Dearest Feathers;

Yeah... I'm still here. Life's been hectic, so I've been quiet, but you're still always on my mind. I don't think that will ever change, honestly...

I watched the total solar eclipse with my dad last month. It was really neat to watch, and definitely something I'm glad I got to see in my lifetime. I just wish you had been here to experience it with me... I think you would have really loved it...

I finally listened to The Tortured Poet's Department. I was rightfully scared to do so... Honestly I could have written the album, it was so relatable. A lot of it reminds me of you... I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad one, honestly...

Summer's coming up. Reminds me of your birthday. I hope you've found a reason to turn it into a good day instead of a trauma one... Like how you were going to use my birthday to help with your holiday trauma... Guess that one didn't work out in the end after all.

I'm drowning in thoughts and feelings and depression. Makes me wonder if actually drowning hurts this much, not that I'd ever willingly do so. I wish The Lonely was real... At least the fog could make me forget you if it was. Could probably make me forget a lot of things. Remember how that episode with Martin terrified me when we listened to it...? Turned out I was right to be terrified... I'm alone now. Again.

Work sucks, honestly. My feet and shoulder hurt a lot less now, but it's almost like the back pain is permanent and just getting worse. A bunch of employees walked out during the shift last weekend. Honestly I don't even blame them. I would too if I had any other options. At least the pay is good?

Maybe people would stay if I was just a complacent little puppet... Always doing as I'm told... Never arguing. Never saying no. Just theirs to control and play with. Their favourite toy... Maybe then I'd be loved again. Who knows... At least if somebody is playing with me I'm not alone anymore...

Love Always,

Laz

May 10th, 2024

[cakesexuality]

Weight gain/loss (no specific numbers) discussion, vague mention of caloric intake, medication discussion, eating disorder discussion

I've been gaining weight and I know I'm not imagining it bc the scale reads higher

The only 2 other times I've been this weight have been when my ED was at its worst so my metabolism slowed down to conserve energy, and then again when I was at too high a dose of the wrong antipsychotic (and at first I thought I had PCOS which was causing weight gain -- turns out I don't have PCOS and it was just the Seroquel), so this is a sign to me that something is wrong

I was only able to lose the weight from those times bc I went into recovery so my body knew it would be getting consistent fuel and then bc I suddenly cut back on my dose one night, causing an episode that lasted for most of 2022

Even though I've been saying positive things about the medication, I think this weight gain from the last few months might be caused by Abilify, which is the AP least likely to cause these issues

My weight gain may also be from Alysena, which I've been saying good things about as well, and it's hard to tell bc I wasn't regularly weighing myself until very recently so it's hard to pinpoint when the weight gain began and I started Abilify not too long before starting Alysena so it's hard to say which drug is the problem

You guys were there when Latuda didn't pan out (despite being really good for my mood) bc I was getting tingling, burning, cramping, twitching, and hallucinations from it, so that's 3 for 3 APs I've tried that I'm not happy with

Someone in a mental health Discord told me to consider not taking APs anymore after reading what I had to say about this, bc they had a similar story, and I know lithium was a suggestion from the 2nd CAMH doctor and we haven't explored anticonvulsants very far (which weren't a suggestion from the CAMH doctor but I've tried Lyrica which caused an episode of some kind and I haven't tried any others) although idk how I would fare without an AP since I've been on them consistently since February of 2017 when I was having my big psychotic episode and any attempt to lower my dose beyond a certain threshold results in the resurfacing of symptoms like irritability, anxiety, and hallucinations

But there comes a few problems with asking a doctor about changing my medications to avoid weight gain

First problem is, when I gained all that weight from Seroquel and went to my nurse practitioner at the time, she insisted I was in relapse bc I said I was eating fewer than 2000 calories a day (which, at my height and activity level, is warranted even to just maintain weight... a bitch is 5'5" and sedentary), thought that I was lying about the scale reading higher (when she could have weighed me herself or asked a nurse to weigh me to make sure I was telling the truth), and said I needed a psychiatrist instead of any examination or labs to see if I had a physical ailment (bc again, I thought I had PCOS), so I'm afraid of that happening again -- although, this NP was really shitty at her job bc she wasn't willing to make sure I wouldn't go into anaphylaxis until I yelled and swore at her (something to the effect of "What the FUCK do Wellbutrin and depression have to do with my eyes being itchy and my nose being stuffy?!" and she jumped and gave a sort of "Oh, I guess youre right 😶" response and referred me to an allergist on the condition I also saw a psychiatrist, who I didn't go to see bc nobody can make me), and she had to leave the room to get out an entire book to flip through to DESPERATELY come up with the excuse of "your acne might get worse" when I pushed her to put me on Depo-Provera bc that was the only downside she could apparently find (news flash: my acne stayed the same the entire time I was on Depo)

Second problem is, like I said, it's hard to tell which medication this is from, so idk if I should ask the psychiatrist or the gynecologist or both

Third problem is, as I think I've said before, my GP is currently reluctantly in charge of my psych meds so she may not want to take me off Abilify herself and may make me wait until I see the psychiatrist, and I know she especially won't want to try me on lithium right before I'm handed off to the psychiatrist

Fourth problem is that I'm not seeing the GP until June, the psychiatrist until July, or the gynecologist until August, so it'll be a lot of simply waiting to be able to have this conversation with any prescribers

And I wouldn't be so concerned about gaining weight if it wasn't so physically uncomfortable for me to be this size

So that's where I'm at with my body and my medications 🤷‍♀️

[pidayforpi]

[Personal, somewhat very emotional stuff]

This "burnout / stressed-out / depressed" episode of mine at the moment reminds me of similar episodes in the past.

Specifically, the summer of 2021, which some of my old DC buddies may know and remember about.

Actually, the pattern/symptoms/feelings are almost identical, which I don't know how to feel about. I am somewhat relieved that this is not an isolated incident (it never was, actually), and I know past experience tells me that things will get better; but every "relapse" feels just as bad (sometimes worse, like this time), and I personally fear the concept of relapse/moving backwards very, very much. It is a somewhat irrational fear - I know - but there was a certain period in my life that I would do almost anything to avoid going back to. That I fear I would fall back into.

And every time, this fear paralyses me. Because I never know when a small tripping stone of sadness can make me fall back into that abyss of depression - a place I can never, ever go back.

Although I know the sadness will pass eventually, I fear how long this time will take for it to pass. Because it once took years.

This time is arguably much harder to deal with, mainly because there is a continuing stressor going on. (I now realise stress makes me depressed, which is something I should have realised much sooner) Before, I was usually depressed after a stressor, so I had time and space for me to mope around without anything I need to do.

This time? The stressor is so continuous and long, I guess my mind decided it could not wait until the stressor ends to be depressed. So now I'm stressed and depressed. And I still have to go on.

Which is absolutely not ideal and honestly very terrible.

It has been consistently very hard since the year started, probably because I really can't do anything about it at the moment, when there is an exam, an interview, and a new semester immediately after. The situation was the same last year (minus the interview) - and I also felt stressed and depressed last year - but this year is much, much worse.

Mood is constantly very bad, with almost every symptoms/signs you can find online when you look up "symptoms/signs of stressed and depressed" (which were the same signs I had when I was stressed and depressed in the past). One thing new (?) is mood swings, when there are better times (usually at night for some reason, which was when I had the energy to write this), and absolutely pathetic times.

There are also a lot of worries. Some stupid but intrusive, some substantial but overwhelming. I guess it is because I am stressed in addition to depressed. A mind of depression alone would be mostly blank and empty, instead thoughts crashing every time and everywhere.

I know what I have to do. I know what I have to believe in, to tell myself. I have gone through this in the past, I should know. "Never despair, never run away." And I am trying, but it is just so hard when there are both internal and external obstacles at the same time.

I thought summer 2021 was already rock bottom, but this is undoubtedly a new low. I thought I would never have to go through such crippling episode again, but apparently no. I remember feeling the same feeling 2.5 years ago: The same depressed, hopeless feeling. Now, I know that 3 months later, when autumn 2021 came, things would be much, much better. Maybe 3 months later, when spring 2024 comes, things will be much, much better too.

But at this moment, it is just hard to imagine. Even if I can imagine, it is just hard to believe. Even if I can believe, it is just hard to wait even a day longer.

This "random thoughts" kind of went off course and turned into a full-on vent, when I originally wanted to write something slightly more positive / less emotional. Regardless, even if I don't have any motivation at all, I will try to write down my thoughts (among other things). I remember also telling myself to write down and share my thoughts back in summer 2021, which led to me at least reconnecting with my DC friends, with whom I had disconnected for 2-3 months suddenly. I still have the thought passages I shared with them 2.5 years ago, and when I read them again now...the feelings are/were just the same 2.5 years later.

Honestly I don't know how much I can do at the moment. I am only writing this when I am feeling somewhat better (and even then this is somewhat incoherent, sorry). The mood swings come quickly and last varyingly; and again, the stressor is still here this time. There are times I tell myself I will write out an infodump - sometimes even a short story - but then a sudden (negative) mood swing renders them only ideas and not realities.

The most I can do are "passive" things (even which I constantly lack time and motivation to do), like art-browsing and fic-reading (was reading a Paw Patrol story which triggered my Hinamizawa Syndrome infected brain). I would love to give more detailed comments to those wonderful artists - and I will try - but all I can do is try. There are also messages I have been wanting to send to some lovely people (as well as some asks/messages from lovely people that I absolutely have to reply to), but try is all I can do at the moment, unfortunately.

Looking back at the conversations/passages I have written in the past, I used to be more open about my feelings and thoughts (although I never was the type to wear my heart on my sleeves). This "openness" had led to some writings of mine which I now cringe at, but honestly I prefer those cringy writings than not writing anything at all.

I keep a list of "comments" I have given throughout different platforms (such as DC long conversations and Ao3 story comments) (the list is literally named "Insert Comments" in Japanese). I started to realise the list gets updated less and less frequently. And what I do say are getting shorter and boring.

Which - again, like most "bad habits" I have realised myself developing recently - is not ideal + I am trying + But there's only so much I can do in this circumstance.

Another bad habit I absolutely have to break is to be more active (which I know I have said many times). I used to go on DC daily, engaging in fandom/friend groups and a public gaming server where I had been somewhat very active in. These servers (and the people there) had been with me through difficult times, including said time in 2021. There had been times where I became suddenly inactive, but I would try to go back as soon as I can, even to just read others' conversations.

Now? I don't know since when, this routine suddenly became unimportant, that I can somehow do without. I have never been a sociable person, nor chronically online to start with. But withdrawing completely? That wasn't healthy of me, and I should have known that was a sign of something going on.

(But even then, what can I do about it? This is a question that keeps looping in my mind during these days, when I look back at "what I could have done better to prevent this episode from happening".

Honestly, I can't think of a solution. There is nothing more I can do.)

[Attached with a photo I took during a trip with my family back in December 2023. Mostly for them to visit some old friends, but we did go somewhere else as well. That was a beautiful journey. I would have really enjoyed it, or maybe even been inspired, if I hadn't been a depressed mess.]

[Funnily, we had also gone on a trip in December 2022, and I had also been a depressed mess during that trip. Before the Dec 2023 trip (and before I got depressed), I told myself to not be a depressed mess during this trip, so that I could fully enjoy the journey. Everything was going great. The trajectory was going absolutely well. And then I ended up being an even worse depressed mess.]

(12-1-2024)

[the-fiction-witch]

From Now On...

Hello everyone I know I've been a bit quiet, But here is a little update on what's going on and where we go from here.

For any who don't know or just haven't heard about it Thomas and Tallulah and engaged, couldn't be happier for them it's really cute and adorable and honestly just to know he's so happy is amazing.

But that has left me with a big dilemma, as let's face it I basically run a TBS account. So I took a bit of a step back over the last few days to really consider what path to take.

In addition to this for anyone who cares, I recently lost my job, have been dealing with a very intense depressive episode and honestly just the fact that I will be turning 24 next month, Yes I'm serious.

So really it all came at a perfect time to have a bit of soul-searching and really see where I wanna go from here.

So here it is the fate of the fiction witch...

I... I can't write for Thomas anymore. It makes me feel very uncomfortable and inappropriate. and it breaks my heart because I know you all love my tbs stuff but I don't feel like I can continue to do it. I will be finishing up some of the series with him such as hotel job, take my hand, I may finish things like Spoils of War but all those are up in the air I will give them endings even if they might not get the endings I planned for them but they will have endings.

Nothing will be deleted, I won't continue to write it but I won't get rid of it I'm still proud of my work and I know many of you love these one-shots and small stories so they won't be going anywhere no need to worry.

But Thomas as an IRL character will be gone, I won't write for him and I'm worry but I won't take requests for him.

So going forward other characters will take the stage a lot more hoping to do a lot more with Nate, a lot with Bran but I am still happy to write for fictional characters Plaid by tbs so Newt, whitey, Benny, jojen and so on because honestly I like doing them and there fictional.

Uploads will slow down I'm not gonna lie we're defiantly not gonna be able to post anywhere near as much but I hope to still keep this place alive and I will still make stories for you all.

On another note I have started a second wattpad for my own stories, a few on there now you may recognize as fanfics but with alterations and on there will just be my own stories no fanfics just my own writing so if you want to keep reading my stories I'd adore it if you could give that account a follow and give some of my stuff a read.

Here's a link V

But that's the update that's where we go from here I hope that's okay with you all.

Love you all my little Bats X

[autumnbell32]

1/14/24 at 2035: Message to Therapist

Hi.  I've been sad about our last appointment- it seemed, I don't know, disharmonious.  I know I keep repeating the same patterns (is that normal?), and I feel like I am not grasping/remembering things I am supposed to be learning very well.  And maybe that is frustrating for you?  I was definitely on the defense, maybe projecting.  Usually I come out of our appointments with at least a little hope, but I honestly just felt stupid and kind of scared- is this the point where literally EVERYONE stops having patience with my issues?  I know what you mean when you say that I reach outside of myself once I get to a certain point with bad depressive episodes.  You are right, I do.  This stuff is isolating, lonely, and mirrors when I used to get so overwhelmed with emotion as a child (and teenager) that I would cry to the nearest adult.  Things that helped in the past that may not help now or have any permanence: reaching outside of myself for inspiration/assistance/hand-holding from others, following plans and lists, being rigid, seeing in black and white.  But I'm not sure what else to do because it is like playing the lottery- one of these things MAY work (they've worked in the past), and it may provide relief (even for several months!).  Do I have to totally abandon my old operating system?  Although, these things are losing their efficacy over time and as I get older, honestly.  

I am on a medical leave.  I am not sure for how long, but I will get some pay while off.  I tried to go to work Thursday, was relieved a supportive manager was going to be there, was packing my lunch and spilled some oatmeal and just broke down.  And then that caused a cascading effect- everything after that made me break down.  One minute I was crying, the next I was filled with so much rage that I felt dizzy.  Not good.  My PCP referred me to a gynecologist that treats PMDD, I see her Tuesday.  I'm hopeful something outside of myself will still provide relief- PMDD is gnarly.  I need a stone, at least one stone, lifted off of me so that I can continue to try (good grief, SOMEONE give me a piece of paper with a plan on it that I can follow and check boxes and tell me they will see me in a week to check my progress because this plan will likely give some relief from the cycles).  The obstinance is just ridiculous- it's like the toddler in me has stomped her foot and said, "No more, someone do something to help or I'm not moving from this spot."  It feels both good and bad, and I don't know how much I am screwing myself in the process, or how many more chances I will get or how many times people (my family included) will continue to help.  

What have I done this past week (jesus, I haven't been at work since December 30th, got a small check last Friday)- watched PBS a lot, cried, cried while watching PBS, did some chores here and there (sometimes while crying), picked up books I long to read and then immediately put them back down because I can't concentrate or be motivated for more than a few minutes, binged, colored in an adult coloring book called "Cat Farts" (it's exactly what it sounds like), and imagined myself being better in the spring somehow (I have visualized this so many times over the last several days- actually progressing in the right direction consistently).  I fall asleep many nights talking on the phone to Josiah because I feel less alone that way.  I'm screwed.  Am I screwed?  

[luckyyluka]

Second Chance: Flashback...

Ricky Bowen x OC

This is a flashback episode to be read between episodes two and three of my series Second Chance

Summary: Blake dives into her past with her parents.

Trigger Warnings: Car crash, death, hospitals, depression, alcoholism, opioid addiction, abandonment. This chapter may be a little triggering to say the least lol please read with caution.

"Blake!" Her name echoed through Ricky's house.

Ricky's mom, Lynne, called her and Ricky downstairs from his room. The two of them shared a concerned look before making their way downstairs. Usually she would just knock on Ricky's door and say what needed to be said. She didn't like to yell across the house. This was new.

"Grab your things, we have to meet your parents at the hospital," she tried desperately to hide the worry painted on her face.

"What? Why?" Blake questioned quickly.

Ricky dashed upstairs, grabbing Blake's bag from his room for her before meeting them by the front door.

"Your parents were in a car accident, honey. Your dad is okay, though," she put her hand on Blake's back, opening the front door for them.

Blake caught the way Lynne didn't mention her mother, "what about Mom?"

Blake's concern was growing every second that passed.

Lynne took a deep breath, "they aren't sure," she admitted.

Lynne and Mike both got into their car, followed by Ricky and Blake. Lynne turned the key to the ignition and started the drive to the hospital.

She wasn't going to cry, she swore to herself. But when Ricky's hand rested over hers as he told her, "I'm sure it'll be okay," she couldn't stop the tears that welled up in her eyes.

Blake was only fifteen years old when she rushed through the doors of the hospital to find her dad breaking down as a doctor talked to him. Only fifteen years old when they told her that her mom didn't make it out of the car crash she was in with her dad. Only fifteen when her entire world was turned upside down.

Ricky held her in his arms, his hold so tight that he worried it'd be suffocating, but her pleas to him, "please don't let me go," any time he'd try and loosen his grip told him to keep his arms securely around her.

That night, Ricky stayed with her as they curled up next to each other on her couch. They watched her favorite movies back to back until they both fell asleep.

She wanted to be with her dad, she wanted to sleep next to him, feel safe with the only family she had left; but instead, he had locked himself away in his room alone, crying himself to sleep.

From then on, he grew distant. Sneaking off in the middle of the night and coming home with the stench of beer following him. He went quiet, barely talked to Blake, it was as if he wasn't really even there anymore. If it wasn't for Ricky and his parents, she'd be coping with her mother's death alone.

The day of the funeral wasn't much different. He managed to stay sober for it, but he could barely shake the hands of the guests that came to give their love. He couldn't even muster up a fake smile.

Despite the lack of emotions from her dad, he had no trouble showing his sadness, crying as the pastor spoke, delivering the speech to honor his wife's death.

Her sobs went unnoticed by her father as they lowered the casket into the ground, and she said goodbye to her mother for the last time.

Blake thanked everybody who showed up, giving out hugs as they filed out of the door. The funeral was over, and she rushed through the church that hosted it to find a water fountain, gulping down water to coat her dry mouth. It was all the crying, she was sure, that had her feeling like she hadn't had water in years.

She looked over to see her dad tipping a bottle over, pouring out a few pills into his hand and swallowing them. Pills he had gotten to ease the back pain from the car crash. She frowned, she hadn't realized he was still physically hurting.

After a month of watching him take pain killers every single day, sometimes even twice a day, she started to grow suspicious, realizing more and more as each day passed that her father's back wasn't hurting him anymore. He was addicted. Just as he was addicted to the beer bottles he'd left empty on the floor of his bedroom.

For a year, Ricky was the only reason she could even get out of bed most days. If it weren't for Lynne and Mike, she'd be on her own completely. No food in her pantries, nobody to help get her back on her feet. Though he was still physically there, she slowly began to realize the truth. Her father had abandoned her.

She picked up a routine. Every week, she'd sneak some of the money her dad was using to get drunk and high every night and use it to buy groceries and essentials. She'd use the card to pay the bills every month. She'd continue this routine until they ran out of money, ran out of whatever her dad had left after he stopped showing up for work. She knew she'd soon have to start using the money her mom left them when she passed.

Lynne and Mike started helping out on house payments so Blake could focus on groceries and essentials while going to school. But she knew she couldn't keep letting things play out like this.

Cut to present time, and Blake knew she had to get a job. To live. It'd have to be part-time to accommodate for school, and she wondered if that would get her anywhere near enough money to pay for bills and groceries every month.

If Lynne were here, she'd know what to tell her.

If her mom were here... she wouldn't even be in this situation to begin with.

. . .

Chapter Three ->

[muninnhuginn]

Thanks for the tag @pinkie-satan!

-last song: 0 - LMYK (English version)

-song stuck in head: 勇者/Yuusha/Hero - yoasobi (it's the frieren op)

-fav colors: purples, especially when they're down the blue end.

-currently watching: ah okay. so. I'm watching anime seasonals this time for some reason? Kinda surprised I'm keeping up with them as well as I am honestly. so anime-wise: frieren, spy x family s2, my new boss is goofy, deranged detective, tearmoon, I'm in love with the villainess. kdrama: move to heaven (I am genuinely enjoying it but there aren't many episodes so I think I keep delaying to make it last longer). don't think there's anything else I'm forgetting rn (but there probably is). I have a few other shows I want to check out like scavengers reign but probably when I'm less overloaded with my current lot.

-currently reading: does it count if I technically read it all yesterday? uh, ima say yes because I was probably sleep-deprived and so may give it a reread when I'm less so. latest murderbot book: system collapse. really good. there were a couple of parts I wish had been pushed further but overall it was exactly what I wanted out of a murderbot book so I can't complain (for context: murderbot is sci-fi and a mix of hurt/comfort, comedy, and intense relatability courtesy of the main character). other than that, it's mainly dungeon meshi. finished up volume 1 earlier today after getting distracted for ages and the fake biology aspects are so fun. (also have ongoing stuff in terms of manga and fics but I'll spare the details of those as there're a lot)

-currently craving: hot chocolate (brb)

-last movie: the marvels. was kinda disjointed but I was expecting it to be a lot worse than it actually was given the reception to it. also I know cats are probably expensive to deal with on film sets but did they really have to cg them to that extent? pls. I want real cattos. real alien cattos. whatever

-sweet, spicy or savory: usually sweet but occasionally spice

-relationship status: single, which personally I'm happy with, but people can be weird about it sometimes.

-current obsession: still in my link click era, trying to resist getting back into murderbot or nirvana in fire or stranger/secret forest.

-three fav foods: hmm, bolognese, gyoza, fior di latte gelato

-last thing googled: showings for anatomy of a fall. (unfortunately there aren't many which is a shame. I'd like to watch it but not really planning to go out of my way for it)

-dream trip: going to be boring and say the same here but japan fr. I'd want to actually have a vague sense of the language before even considering it though because what I have rn is just an assortment of words vaguely to do with murder mysteries

-anything you want right now: my original answer to this was depressing so I'm just gonna say the motivation to actually sort out a new laptop because rn I'm probably going to beat out my record for how long it took me to transfer over to my new phone after getting it (around a month iirc). I haven't even started figuring out what I want to prioritise in terms of specs or how much money I'm willing to spend and it's so much easier to do this kind of thing *on* a laptop (that isn't broken :V)

Tagging in anyone who wants to join in. I know especially I have some newish mutuals/followers and I'm not great at interacting directly but feel free to have a go ^^

[b4ts1e]

So- I as relistening to BitterSweet from YuuriVoice and had a few ideas on some one-shots from it. Imma write those when I can, but I figured I should update ya'll on a few things first. (No BitterSweet did not have anything to do with what I'm gonna talk about, just reminded me to update for you all.)

Warning- this may get a tad bit personal and may trigger people who have had similar experiences. (This is why there will be no tags on this post, also- reblogs have been turned off for this post.)

To make a long story short- my mental health was in the shithole for a little bit and I was severely stressed out. I've made a few changes to my routine to better not only my mental health, but my physical health too. Things like: changing my diet, sort of fixing my sleep schedule, becoming more physically active, and basically rewriting my whole schedule.

Before hand I was falling asleep at 7am and waking up at 4pm only to take care of my basic needs before going to work and coming home and pushing myself to write or taking a day to relax and play a game. However- after a while of that I fell ill, twice. My body forced me to properly rest and when I was starting to get better, finally, someone important to me talked to me about what was going on and helped me identify it properly.

I was in a sort of out of body mode, falling into some pretty bad habits that I used to do awhile ago. The person said it was most likely a mix of a bipolar depression episode and a derealization experience. I have experienced this kind of situation before, but it lasted much longer the last time- luckily they were able to help me break out of it and assist me into taking the right steps to avoid it happening again.

Currently I am doing much better, and said person has been looking into hiring a proper therapist for me. Maybe even a psychologist if it's deemed necessary. As soon as I'm doing a tad bit better I swear I'll get back into writing publicly again- however I cannot guarantee it will be frequently. Maybe proper writing posts between 2-4 times a month, but that'll be something that starts after I become far more used to the new schedule.

Thank you all so much for your continued enjoyment of my writings, it brings a smile to my face everytime someone likes a post if mine. And thank you for your patience.