#I'm not gonna try to make this clearer because I don't think it's actually helping

[rushingheadlong]

I’ve anonymized this ask because I actually want to talk about this publicly but I want to respect their desire to not have their name attached to this conversation.

(Usual warnings for length, also CW for discussions of homophobia. Because of how this ask was worded we're going to engage with the possibility of Brian being queer, but there are criticisms about some specific ways the fandom discusses that. If any of that sounds upsetting to you, just skip over this post.)

First, a fairly significant correction: I didn’t say that Harold wasn’t the biggest contributor to “Brian staying in the closet” at all. I’m going to talk about that assumption of queerness later, but this is what I actually said in my tags:

#it's really REALLY clear that at the VERY least his upbringing by Harold impeded Brian's ability to fully explore himself #and his identity/attractions/etc. the way he should have been able to #(tho I don't think Harold was the biggest/only contributor to that but. idk.)

Which I think is fairly self-explanatory but, to break it down more simply, based on all the evidence we have of what Harold was like as a person it seems that he was an extremely traditional patriarch who expected Brian to grow up and fulfill the same role within his own family. We know that they had major clashes over this and from interviews we know that Brian struggled with feeling inadequate as a husband and father specifically because he couldn’t step into the patriarchal role that he felt pressured to fill.

From there, I don’t think it’s unfair to extrapolate out and say that an upbringing that pushed that very traditional view of manhood would likely have also included other “traditional” ideas i.e. misogyny, homophobia, etc. The misogyny is easy to confirm, not just through Brian’s earlier songs (like Son and Daughter) but through later comments on his parents’ marriage that revealed specific ways that Ruth May was absolutely subservient to her husband while he was alive.

The homophobia I don’t think can be “confirmed” in the same way, although I do recall once reading an interview with Brian where he admitted to having to let go of homophobic ideas he used to hold in his youth (though I cannot for the life of me find that interview now, so take that with a grain of salt). But regardless of the extent of homophobia, if it was there I again don’t think it’s unfair to say that that would have impeded any potential experimentation with men at least in Brian’s younger years - I mean for one thing, Brian has already specifically said that he declined the advances from men while on tour even though he didn’t decline when propositioned by women.

If you want to theorize that Brian is some form of queer you can look at him turning down offers from men as possibly a sign of internalized homophobia due to his upbringing. It’s possible that even after Brian unlearned those prejudices with regards to other people, that he couldn’t unlearn them with regards to himself. It’s possible that Brian privately acknowledged his queerness, but felt that acting upon it would be somehow a “worse” betrayal of his marriage than cheating with another woman.

However, it’s also possible that there was no internalized homophobia at play at all and that Brian’s actions and comments (or lack thereof) are driven by concerns about the band, with really nothing to do with Harold at all. We already have Freddie saying, on multiple occasions in both the 70s and 80s, that if he were to be more open about his own sexuality that it would ruin Queen forever. If Brian were also queer it would make sense for him to have the same reservations about saying anything, and those reservations could have been enough to make him hesitant to be with another man at all for fear of rumors spreading.

(ETA: Not to mention, the AIDS crisis could have been a deterrent to try anything as well, especially if he hadn't already by then. That wasn't too uncommon among men who lived through that time.)

There’s also the issue that if Brian were queer, any reservations he had about coming out were likely compounded after Freddie’s death, because there’s simply no way to make that announcement now without Freddie’s name being attached to things whether it should be or not. There would be speculation about whether Brian and Freddie were ever more than “just” friends, speculation about the full extent of Brian’s history with men, speculation about the validity of his marriages to Chrissy and Anita, speculation about Roger and John and if they knew or if they were also queer… The tabloids would have a fucking field day with an announcement like that and it would reverberate throughout Brian’s life, impacting not only himself but his closest friends and family, as well as all his relationships suddenly becoming hyper-scrutinized by people intent on “proving” what is “real” or “not real” about any of them.

Even if you want to believe that that wouldn’t happen and people would only react positively to such an announcement, I need you to step back and consider what sort of comments you consider “supportive” and if that’s actually how they would be received. An entire fandom of RPF shippers crying “I told you so!” and descending on his IG to ask invasive questions isn’t supportive. A world that nitpicks identities to make sure that people are using the “right” ones isn’t supportive. A culture where “jokes” about single-gender schools turning people gay are still prevalent isn’t supportive (and when I am still seeing people defend comments about Freddie’s boarding school playing a role in his own identity, you can’t tell me that people wouldn’t make the same jabs about Brian if they got the chance).

I think it’s safe to say that Harold’s view did have an impact on how Brian explored himself and his identity because we already know for a fact that those views deeply impacted the entirety of his first marriage, to the point that Brian has said that he likely wouldn’t have gotten married to Chrissy at all if it wasn’t for pressure from his father.

(ETA: But I don't think you can safely say that Harold was the biggest/only contributor to how Brian explored his own identity when you consider the overall time period we're talking about, and the complications of both the band and Brian's existing marriage. And with regards to his attraction to women specifically, Brian has already made it clear that that was impacted by the lack of socialization with girls at school, not his father.)

But to engage with your question, if Brian is queer I think it’s far more likely that Brian has stayed in the closet due to concerns about the response, to protect the privacy of himself and those closest to him, and out of respect for Freddie’s own legacy, rather than because of specific views of his father, especially since both of his parents have been dead for decades now.

Now, this isn’t what you asked in your question but I do also want to address the phrasing of “Brian staying in the closet” because I think it’s actually rather worrying that that’s what was taken from my tags.

Is it impossible for Brian to be queer? No, of course not, and to be honest if he did ever come out I wouldn’t actually be surprised. However I am begging this fandom on my hands and knees to remember that Brian has said that he’s straight on multiple occasions.

Here’s him calling himself heterosexual in 1993, shortly after Freddie’s death:

And here’s him saying that he’s not attracted to men a decade later in 2003:

There’s nothing wrong with talking what-ifs but you have to keep in mind what Brian has actually said himself. Even more importantly, you absolutely have to be mindful of what you’re using as “evidence” of queerness because, while it doesn't happen all the time, it is very common in this fandom for that sort of speculation to run straight into stereotyping and, by extension, homophobia.

A man will never be queer simply because he wears jewelry/nail polish/women’s clothing/etc., or because he’s friends with other queer men or wrote songs for them, or because he was unhappy in a heterosexual marriage, or because he’s done drag a few times, or because he’s spoken out about queer rights and history, or because his music resonates with queer people today.

These are all reasons I’ve seen given for why Brian “has” to be queer… but why? Why do you think that wearing things typically worn by women makes a man queer? Why are you so quick to disregard the existence of any femininity in straight cis men? Why do you think that people can’t support the queer community unless they’re queer themselves? Why do you think that your feelings about Brian’s music are any indication of what he actually meant, when it's incredibly common for people to attribute meanings to songs contrary to what the artist intended?

I don’t think that most people who point to these sorts of things as “evidence” of queerness are being consciously, maliciously homophobic but it absolutely is homophobic to reduce these traits down to one-dimensional stereotypes in order to argue that because Brian does XYZ that means he must be queer. I mean, do I really have to break down why it’s problematic to enforce binary gender norms by saying that Brian wearing necklaces is proof of queerness, as if straight men are somehow physically impossible of also wearing necklaces?

There are absolutely more respectful ways to talk about "evidence" of queerness and the OP mentioned in this ask is a great example of that, by using direct words Brian has said specifically about his sexuality, attraction, and relationships to make their point rather than relying on stereotypes about looks or behaviors.

Because if you're going to have these conversations, you have to acknowledge what Brian has actually said. That includes his comments about heterosexuality and attraction to women and, furthermore, acknowledging those comments is not the same as denying any possibility that he's queer.

Brian is an English baby boomer and you cannot separate that from these sorts of discussions. It’s very common for people of his generation to have ideas and identities that are directly at odds with the philosophies of younger generations, and pretending otherwise - or condemning those things for being “wrong” - requires you to completely ignore and rewrite actual queer history in order to do so.

If you look at how people have identified throughout the 20th and 21st centuries, you’ll find a ton of examples of people proudly using seemingly “wrong” labels for themselves. Tom Robinson, author of the song “Glad to Be Gay”, continued to identify specifically as a gay man for years after marrying a woman. Phill Jupitus, a former stand-up comedian, once had an entire 20-minute podcast where he talked about his past sexual encounters with and continuing attractions towards men while identifying the entire time as a straight man and not bisexual. Hell my best friend for over a decade is a queer man married to a woman who still identifies as a lesbian for deeply personal reasons that are unlikely to ever change.

As a queer man myself, I would love to see discussions about this that acknowledge that kind of nuance. I would love to see people approach this conversation by asking why Brian identifies as straight instead of just looking for proof that he’s lying about his identity.

Because if you want to talk about the possibility of Brian being queer, what does it then mean that he chooses to publicly identify as straight instead? Does he claim that label because he doesn’t identify with queerness at all, because he feels obligated to because of his relationships with women, or because he feels those relationships are more representative of who he is?

What does it say about the dynamics among Queen if the others always assumed something, but never said? Or if Brian only told Roger and John after the fact in the 90s? Or if Brian made the choice to never say anything to them either? Disregarding shipping entirely, what would it say about Brian’s friendship with Freddie if he knew the singer was gay but never shared a hint of his own queerness in return?

What does it say - about Brian, the band, the fandom, society - if Brian is indeed making a conscious choice to hide any attraction to men? And we do need to include the fandom here, because while it’s tempting to assume that nothing we do makes it way back to the band that’s really not the case at all. The official Queen discord server has had to make multiple statements not to post about shipping etc. and there were innumerable comments on Brian’s own IG page post-borhap accusing him and Roger of homophobia because of the movie. Discussions of Brian’s relationship to queerness have already reached his sphere of influence, whether we wanted it to or not.

We’re in a time where the prevalence of social media is wearing down the concept of personal privacy and making people feel entitled to information about celebrities that’s none of their business at all. We’ve seen this with Kit Connor being forced to come out after Heartstopper due to accusations of "queerbaiting" and F1nnster delaying coming out due to fears of backlash from not using the “right” label. Or if you want an example from an older generation, when Con O’Neill came out he said he was doing so because he felt ready but there is still rampant speculation in the fandom that part of his reasoning was in response to the queerphobia being leveled at Izzy Hands fans.

Let me repeat that: a queer man explicitly said he was coming out because he felt personally ready to do so, and a wide swath of fans have already made it about themselves and their fandom experiences.

These celebrities are far from being isolated cases. There are countless others who have been forced into making deeply personal decisions based not on what feels right to them, but what will appease the crowds of strangers who watch and follow them.

So, since the original question was about that post on Harold, let's bring it back to that point with one final question from myself:

If Brian is in fact queer, do you think that his long-dead father is really the biggest reason that a world-famous multi-millionaire twice-knighted astrophysicist rockstar may still be choosing to stay in the closet after all this time?

One final note that anyone who engages with this post in bad-faith is being blocked. I have neither the desire nor spoons to argue with anyone who insists that this fandom isn't homophobic or that their homophobia is somehow different because they mean well by it.

[which-item-poll]

i'm not sending this in bad faith, but honestly, if your family really, actually is struggling with rent/groceries due to low income, then instead of begging off of gullible strangers on the internet that have their own bills to pay, you (not YOU personally, you as in your family) should be asking other family members (your parents' parents & siblings, extended family, basically any other adults) and even close friends for that help. also, your bio says you're 24, so you should look for a job if you don't have one already, as that will greatly help with the low income situation, even if you only get a minimum wage one.

LMAO oh boy I'm gonna have fun with this one.

So, first of all, you saying "gullible" implies that I'm being deceitful towards my followers, which i am not. I do truly need help financially and I understand there really isn't proof so I guess i can see why people would be suspicious. I will send proof of the rent bill once it comes.

I should be asking other family members huh? You do realize that not everyone has the same support system as you, right? My extended family struggles with their own bills and I've tried asking before... don't think that i havent. As far as asking my friends goes, they are in similar situations.

Yes, you are correct, i am 24. I've been trying to get on disability for a while now because of my diagnosis' (autism, adhd, ocd, anxiety, depression etc) but its extremely hard to get it for mental illness. Because, surprise, disability isn't just physical!

I've tried holding down multiple jobs (more than i can count, at least 10 since i was 19) but i haven't had a job for more than a year due to multiple factors. I'm really trying.

You do NOT know my situation, and you've made MULTIPLE assumptions in this ask that I do not appreciate at all. I understand you're trying to help but this makes me feel sick.

Anyways. I hope you have a clearer view of my circumstances now and even though you still might not get it that's okay. Its none of your business anyways.

Honestly, you should've stopped at "I'm not sending this in bad faith but-"

[pain-is-too-tired]

Spoilers for The Magnus Protocol Season 1 finale

I-wow.

Sam no 😭

Sam did not deserve that. Oh my gods. Idk if Alice is gonna get told the full thing but If so she's 100% not gonna forgive Ceila if she does.

I try not to over compare them to the Tma gang cause they're they own character

But Alice not forgiving Ciela would be a actually clearer minded/reasonable reason of not forgiving someone than most of the "we don't forgive you Jon for stuff mostly out of your control or even partly our fault-" that tma had and I'd be so down for that

Like, tma kinda over did it with characters putting all the blame on Jon. Like it made sense in tiny bits, they couldn't really do anything against Elias or the eye and Jon took the brunt of that. But it became annoying after awhile especially in s5. Tim was the only one that at least had a big reason to hate Jon, stalking and all that. And they wrote him really making it clear the reasons for his hatred and distrust.

So- if Alive goes a similar route, with even more reason to hate Ciela if she finds out what Ciela wanted to do, I'm so down for that as long as it isn't annoying.

Also, speaking of that. Oh my gods. This made me realize... did she switch to Tmp universe before or right at the world going back to normal? Like, we don't knew how she got to tmp universe. But I do wonder, maybe some people got sucked in with the fears? The specifics of that I'm not sure of, but it's kinda interesting. Assuming she IS from tma universe which I'm pretty sure she is. She says there's nothing to go back to, might be because she doesn't know things were reset.

Also. The Archivst... what was that? Why did it want it? It said "finally it's mine". Why did it want the tear? And. If it ends up back in tma universe... jeez.

Like, lot of people talk about the choice of how to end the eyepoclpse/fears in tma. The job vs everyone else thing. But if the fears could just..come back through? Just like that? Literally all that "let's just make it other universe's problem" was for nought. Obviously killing everyone was wild, and probably the Archivst/fears here are their own thing(probably very likely.) But,as mentioned by Ceila, something being displaced makes things unbalanced.

Does that apply to the fears? Is that also why it became a center piece for shops/other fears to be pulled to? Because it was trying to bring equallibruim to the universes?

Like...did they fuck up the other universes more then just giving them the fears? Did they cause an cosmic unbalanced they could come back to haunt them???

Also back to the Archivst. I saw some mention Jon(which unlikely,they seem to have a more feminine voice iirc) and another mention Tma Gertrude which I can see. Either way they do say an Archivst and it could be anyone. We know it seems be like the Archivsts in season 5 they came across. At least I think.

Anyway. Gods help Teddy and Colin. Part of me feels like they might be more part of the cast next season. That's gonna be something.

[amiharana]

i come bearing a revalink suggestion,, they’re friends?? rivals?? but Revali’s been trying to rile Link up in a more flirtatious way and it all comes to a head when the champaign’s are out on an expedition with Zelda and oops! someone forgot to bring enough bedrolls for the night, enter: sharing a bed

yk what i mean

HI ANON i'm sorry i took so long to answer 😭 but thank you for the suggestion 👁️👁️ i've written about revalink sharing a hammock, but that was them in an established relationship, so this.... and they were hammockmates (oh my god they were hammockmates)

the premise of my canon-based situationship fic (if i ever get to write it LOL) was going to kinda be like this, a pre-calamity revalink who have decided they are no longer going to be rivals, but not necessarily friends, and then somehow revali catches feelings for link 😄 i just love the idea of revali seeing link and being like "this fucking idiot. i want him so bad." and reluctantly attempting to court him even if he knows that link doesn't understand what he's trying to do. my favorite part of this is that link is completely clueless. he has no idea what the hell is going on but he appreciates that revali is nicer to him :D

(warning: long ass fucking post. but we are so fucking back baby)

imagine revali trying his damndest to work up the courage to go give link a bouquet of swift violets, because (1) he knows it's a hylian courting ritual and link is a pretty simple guy, so he'll probably appreciate flowers, right? (2) revali thinks swift violets are very pretty flowers actually, and (3) they have a functional use in increasing link's speed during a fight when cooked into a meal, and with how often link gets injured in battle, goddess knows he needs the extra boost. imagining revali trying to give the bouquet to link on several occasions, but he always ends up chickening out or he waits too long so the bouquet gets ruined or dies so he has to gather more flowers for a new one, and when he finally gets to actually hand the bouquet to link, he gets nervous and insults link like the dumbass he is 😭 ("being the one with more foresight between the two of us, i predicted you would be in great need of something as simple as these swift violets. perhaps you could stand to learn a meal or two utilizing their innate effects on the field.") and then it turns out link is actually allergic to swift violets KJDHFKJSHDKFJH and revali has to take him to the infirmary in shame

just an endless string of the most cartoonish failures of revali's attempts to court link ☝️😹 because it either ends in disaster or link completely misunderstands the situation, and of course revali gets frustrated that link isn't understanding his advances, what an idiot! and it makes him want link even more! so his advances become more and more obvious until even daruk is like. hey man. please calm down now it's not that serious. and revali is like NO he's so stupid daruk how can he not understand that i am trying to court him!!! how much clearer can i make it? (meanwhile daruk is like 🧍)

but revali's desperate pleads are answered when zelda calls the champions early in the morning into the throne room for a mission 🙇 i'm thinking maybe there have been sightings of a lynel up in the northernmost part of akkala and it seems to be much more powerful that the citadel squadrons can handle, so they've called in the help of the champions. not that i'm actually gonna write about them fighting the lynel though 😹 you know me, i just be creating context and circumstances wherever i go

"they couldn't handle one lynel? revali says, when the princess finishes. "you would think a fortress chock-full of hyrule's greatest soldiers would be able to take at least one down."

"well, i don't see you volunteering," urbosa says crossing her arms, a faint smile on her lips. "would you like to show them how it's done?"

revali shoots her a glare and then tilts his beak up, tossing his braids over his shoulder. "hmph. i normally don't waste my time on something as savage as a lynel, but if it could inspire better archers of the citadel, then i suppose my extraordinary skills may be necessary there." out of the corner of his eye, he glances at link; the little hylian doesn't react at all to his boasting, continuing to stand calmly at attention. it irks something in revali, but he blows air out of his beak and turns his head again. stupid link.

zelda sighs. "well, if we are all settled then, i dismiss you all to begin preparations to leave. we hope to leave just past noon and make it to foothill stable by nightfall."

"that'll be right in between our homes, miphy!" daruk says, placing his hands on his hips and leaning backward to laugh heartily. "ah, we've stayed at the castle so long i almost forgot what the heat of death mountain feels like!"

"i feel similarly, daruk," mipha says, giving a small smile. "i wonder if my father and sidon are doing well..."

zelda bows her head in remorse. "i apologize for keeping you all from home for so long. i did not intend for you to stay this long, either."

"it's alright, little bird," urbosa says, stepping forward to place a hand on zelda's shoulder in reassurance. "it's our duty as champions to serve the land of hyrule and protect it from all evildoing. if staying a little longer is what will ensure this era of peace and prosperity, then so be it; we can be patient." she smiles at the princess, and zelda stares at her with wide eyes for a moment before returning the smile.

"thank you, urbosa, i appreciate your kind words," she says. zelda turns back to the rest of the champions and bows her head slightly again. "i will see you all in a few hours. thank you."

SORRY FOR WRITING OUT THINGS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE PROMPT LMAO. ONCE AGAIN. I JUST LOVE TO SET THE STAGE AND CREATE A CIRCUMSTANCE. i also just miss the lack of champions in totk 🥹 but anyways! zelda & the champions meet at the front of the castle and with some extra personnel (hi impa!) & a battalion, they all set out towards the akkala citadel as the sun hits its peak in the sky.

at this point, you might be thinking, why don't they just travel in the divine beasts since they're bigger and can cover more ground in a shorter period of time? and to that i tell you, 🌸 shut the fuck up 🌸 KJDFHKDFJKH nah but in my head in this point of time, the champions all left their divine beasts in their respective regions because they're all still learning to control them and they would rather not go stomping around on random civilians while traversing hyrule. do you know how insane it would be to be a traveler going through hyrule field to visit the coliseum or something and then all of a sudden, a gigantic stone camel with long ass legs nearly squashes you flat? i would die of a heart attack on the spot.

i also think it's important to romanticize the naturalness of traveling on-foot and it would also be interesting to see how they would accommodate for each champions' needs or habits as they travel together; they have to travel near water so that mipha doesn't dehydrate, revali and daruk leave the main group momentarily every now and then to go burst into the sky or roll down further along the path respectively bc they're sick of walking, etc.

the group reaches foothill stable just after sundown; revali complains that they should have just brute forced it to the citadel since it was just further down the road, but zelda insists that it could be dangerous since ganon's power seems to be growing and they could be ambushed by monsters in the night. as safe as the citadel seems, they shouldn't let down their guard! so revali, not wanting to fight with the literal princess of hyrule, just shuts his beak and trudges along after the rest of the group, the calm warm glow of the stable in the distance growing brighter as they approach. he won't admit it out loud but he's a little weary from travel too 😹

link and zelda board their horses at the stable, and everyone else sets up camp just off to the side of the stable, pitching tents, starting campfires and cooking pots, and passing out bedrolls. but as they unpack and pass out bedrolls, they realize that there's not enough for everyone to sleep comfortably through the night. zelda pays for the rest of the beds in the stable to cover for the rest of the battalion, but it leaves out one soldier who link knows happens to have sleeping problems or something. so he decides to give up his bedroll to the dude; it's not like he needs it as much, he could probably fall asleep straight in the dirt right now if he wanted.

"ah, champion link! i couldn't take this from you—" the man starts, but link just shakes his head and pushes the bedroll into his arms, giving him an insistent look. the soldier accepts the bedroll in defeat, but bows his head. "oh... well thank you, champion, i appreciate it very much!" link nods and turns away before returning to the rest of the champions.

"hello, link— where's your bedroll?" mipha says, noticing the lack of one in his hands. link tilts his head back towards the soldier he had given his bedroll to. "oh, what about you?"

he just shakes his head. "don't need one," link says softly. though he's comfortable speaking with the champions, he's still not used to the way his own voice reverberates against his throat; he hasn't used his voice as much as he should since he took his 'vow of silence'.

"what do you mean you don't need one, little guy?" daruk says, scratching his head. "i might be a goron, but fleshy little hylians like you are made for fluffy beds and—"

but link pays him no mind and strides over to a nearby tree (one that happens to be near the two that revali has set his hammock up at 👁️), drops his stuff on the ground and sits next to it, leaning against the tree with his arms crossed. mipha and daruk both open their mouths to object, but urbosa places a hand on both of their shoulders.

"leave him be," she says, as all of them watch link settle against the tree. "that boy is far too stubborn for his own good. once he has his mind set on something, he won't give up."

"you sure the little guy's gonna be alright?" daruk says, face contorted into an expression of concern. "i know he's tough, but i can't imagine that what he's doing is comfortable at all."

"he'll be fine," urbosa reassures him. she glances to the side, where revali is already keeping an eye on link, sitting at the tree where the farther end of his hammock from the little hylian is tied and tending to his bow. she smirks knowingly; "he's already in good care."

so everyone gets ready for the night; the battalion soldiers are already fast asleep, zelda, urbosa, and impa are sleeping in the stable beds, daruk is rolled up closer to the rockier terrain near the stable, mipha is straight up sleeping in the nearby cephla lake, leaving link and revali to be the only people awake. they're both still sitting against the trees, revali making the final tweaks to the great eagle bow and link polishing the master sword. revali has been stealing glances at link the entire time, watching and waiting for an opportunity (and also working up the courage) to say something. even at the base of death mountain, the cold night wind perseveres and revali catches every single tremor that goes through link's body as he shivers. maybe he could offer to...

"why did you give up your bedroll?" revali says finally. to be honest, he could probably already figure out an answer if he wanted to, but he asks anyway.

link pauses and glances up at him, before returning to polishing. revali's feathers ruffle at the lack of answer and he looks away, beak clenching. while he cared not for link's stance on verbal speech, acknowledging him and not giving an answer was rather unnecessary, wasn't it? especially since link had grown comfortable speaking with the princess and the champions, that should have included revali as well—

"i don't need one," link says suddenly, so softly, revali has to hold his breath, straining to hear the little hylian. link's voice is so quiet, it could be carried away by the night wind and revali is borderline obsessed with it, but the answer he gives is the same one he had given to the other champions. so revali says nothing and stares at link, prompting him to elaborate. "torin needed it more than me."

"torin?" revali questions. he wonders how much of the hyrulean army link knows by name.

"the man i gave my bedroll to," link replies, still wiping at his blade. "excellent fighter, great with a sword. but his chronic pain makes it difficult for him on the field." he sets down the cloth he was using to polish the master sword with and holds it up, appraising the blade. it glints in the moonlight quite elegantly. "giving him my bedroll is the least i can do to aid his comfort."

for a moment, revali is speechless; he had known that link was rather altruistic, always offering to help out even if it was inconvenient to himself. perhaps he shouldn't be surprised at all.

"you didn't have to do that though," revali says. he has stopped tending to his own bow at this point, letting it lay across his lap instead. "isn't it 'first come first serve' with you hylians? you were one of the first to receive a bedroll. you could have kept it to yourself, and i doubt anyone would complain since you're their champion."

link only shakes his head. "he needed it more than me," he insists, still in the same soft voice. "as a captain and a champion, it's my duty to care for my fellow knights. we're only as strong as our weakest member."

"then what about you?" revali says, staring straight at link. "if that's true, you're in no better of a situation than he was in previously."

"i'll survive," link says simply, and then, he yawns. at the same exact moment, another cold night breeze passes by, tousling link's bangs and once more does revali watch, completely entranced by the way link's body shivers in reaction. then, he slides the master sword back in its scabbard before raising his arms to stretch and yawn again. "sleeping on the ground for one night isn't that big of a deal."

and revali sees his chance and it stares right back at him like it's a challenge, like an eye glowing bright gold in the darkness; this is now or never.

"you don't have to sleep on the ground," he says quietly, but he looks down at the bow in his lap when he says it. in the corner of his eye, he sees link's arms pause mid-stretch before he slowly lowers them. he can feel the piercing blue gaze of link's eyes searing right through his cheek feathers and in turn, his heart skips a beat. stupid, stupid link. revali wishes he could despise the effect that a hylian of all people has on him.

"what do you mean?" link says in similar volume.

revali looks up to meet his gaze and swallows at the sight of those terribly beautiful blue eyes sparkling at him in the moonlight. now or never. "you could stay with me," he says softly, before he loses his nerve.

and link's eyes widen. if revali lets his vision blur a little, perhaps he can convince himself into thinking that the pink flush on link's cheeks is just the natural color of hylian skin, or just a trick of the moon's light and the glow of lava oozing down death mountain above them. but nothing can change the fact that he can see the entirety of link's irises, or the slight part in his lips.

"with you? in your...?" link whispers, but in this moment, his voice is the only thing the rito can hear at all. revali gives a single nod. "why?" there's not a single hint of mirth in link's voice, only genuine surprise.

revali looks away. "your heroism makes you foolish enough to give up the supplies necessary for your own survival in order to ensure the survival of others," he murmurs. "look at you, you're shaking in the cold like a loose feather. if you were a rito like i, you wouldn't have this problem."

he hears link snort and glances up at him. link is looking at him fully, a small smile on his face, and perhaps they are far too close to death mountain with the way that heat floods revali's cheeks and makes his limbs melt into the ground.

"and we wouldn't want the princess and the hyrulean army to wake up in the morning finding that their beloved champion froze to death in the night," he continues softly.

"no, i suppose not," link replies, still smiling. but the smile fades in the next moment or two, the pink flush revali had tried to pretend was just the color of his skin returning to link's cheeks much darker than before, as if to goad him. "s-so... how are we going to...?" he trails off, staring at revali with wide blue eyes.

revali blinks, and then swallows. truthfully, he didn't think he would get this far, but there's no backing out now. with his heart grabbing the bones of his ribcage and bashing its head against them, revali stands dusting himself off and hangs the great eagle bow on one of the branches of the tree. then, he turns back to face link, who's still staring at him with wide blue eyes and his pretty pink-flushed face from the ground. he walks towards link until he's standing in front of the little hylian, and then offers a hand.

"well firstly, are you ready for bed?" revali says, attempting to sound irritated, like his own offer is an inconvenience to him. but it's all in vain; his voice comes out too soft, too tender, too fond.

link stares up at him for a couple moments more before nodding, so revali extends his hand a little further out. "hurry up then," he says, voice still so unbearably soft. "i wouldn't do this for anyone else."

so link takes his hand and revali pulls him up in one swift movement. but he pulls too hard, because before he can even register it, suddenly both of link's hands are on his chest, his body pressed up against revali's. instinctively, one of his arms goes to circle link's waist, pushing them closer together, and the rito's ears are full of the sound of link's quiet gasp at the pressure; is he depraved to want to push him closer, to hear it again?

"s-sorry," link whispers, just slightly pushing off of revali's chest. "i didn't mean to—"

"it's fine," revali whispers back. with all his will, he lets his arm fall from link's waist to let him step away, resisting the urge to pull the warm little hylian back into his embrace. hylia above, how could revali ever have offered to share his hammock with such depravities rotting his mind?

revali turns away to walk towards the hammock, desperately trying to ignore the electric pull of the string tying him back to link. he looks over his shoulder back at the little hylian. "come on," revali says, feigning all the coolness, all the suaveness he can muster. the show must go on, after all.

revali slides into the hammock easily, settling into a comfortable position, and then he looks back at link. the little hylian stares down at his body and suddenly he feels self-conscious, his crest feathers ruffling. "are you getting in or would you rather stand there until sunrise?" revali snaps, and then cringes at his own tone.

but link only looks at him with the same wide, blue-eyed gaze sparkling in the moonlight. "yeah," he whispers, "i just..."

"just get in," revali mutters, looking away. "i won't fall out unless you're trying to make me fall out on purpose."

and slowly, so slowly, link grabs the edge of the hammock closer to him with hesitant, gentle fingers. he looks up at revali, who gives him a nod of encouragement, so he continues, reaching over revali's chest to grab the opposite edge of the hammock and begins to climb in. with some fidgeting and struggling, link lies atop revali's chest, their legs somehow tangled together. revali hopes the little hylian can't hear his heart drumming its high-strung song against his ribs.

"you're so warm," link whispers. "i didn't think you'd be."

"how do you think the rito are able to live so close to the hebra mountains?" revali murmurs back. "our feathers are insulative and keep us warm even in the most bitter of winters." he pauses, considering his next words, and then continues. "if you ever return to the village... our artisans are working on a prototype of an outfit to help featherless hylians like yourself brave the frigid temperatures of hebra. they are... using some of my own plumage to make it. if you wanted to truly experience the power of rito feathers yourself, i extend an invitation for you to come visit rito village at your earliest convenience."

"i'd like that a lot," link murmurs in response.

the rito hums in acknowledgement and they both fall silent. another cold wind breezes past and this time, link curls closer around revali's body, sighing quietly. instinctively, the rito raises his wings and drapes them around the little hylian's form in response, pressing him even closer than before. they stay just like this, beginning to drift off to the sounds of nature around them.

"revali?" link says suddenly, pulling revali a little bit out of his drowsy.

"mm?" revali replies. he doesn't try to summon the energy to even pretend to be irritated, only wrapping his wings tighter around link's body.

"thank you," link whispers. "for this. you didn't have to."

revali just hums back, letting the drowsiness pull him under. "go to sleep," he mumbles. "there will be more time for gratitude in the morning."

"okay," link whispers back, and revali feels him snuggle closer. there's a moment of hesitation, and in the next, it dissipates as revali finally falls asleep, feeling link's arms circle his torso, embracing him gently.

in the morning, the champions find them wrapped around each other in the hammock, urbosa being the first. she smirks down at them, a hand on her hip and shaking her head in amusement.

"ah, urbosa, where's link—?" mipha says as she approaches the chieftess. but she spots them right away, snapping her mouth shut and blinking owlishly until it grows in a held-back grin.

"i told you, link is already in good care," urbosa says. she looks past mipha to see daruk and zelda walking over, the latter yawning and tying her hair up. when they see the predicament that revali and link have gotten themselves into, daruk has to hold back a guffaw and zelda just rolls her eyes.

"they took their time, didn't they?" zelda grumbles.

"with all due respect, you should not be the one to talk, princess," mipha says, smiling politely. zelda wrinkles her nose at the zora princess, who giggles behind her hand.

"none of you should be talking at all," comes revali's voice, gravelly and hoarse from sleep. the champions turn back to the hammock, where revali gives them a dirty look with only one eye open. he remains in his position in the hammock, wings still wrapped around link who's asleep on his chest. "speak louder than a summer breeze and i'll show you the true strength of a rito's shot."

"my, my, so aggressive," urbosa muses. "has he made you soft for him already?" revali's glare only intensifies, so she holds up her hands in playful surrender. "alright, i'll leave you two alone. everyone, let's go start making breakfast. we have some time before we need to be at the citadel."

the rest of the champions begin to walk over to the cooking pots they've set up, zelda's head on mipha's shoulder and daruk listing off what his favorite types of rock meals are for breakfast. when they're out of earshot, revali relaxes and lets a breath out through the nares of his beak.

"what'd they mean, 'take our time'?" link suddenly mumbles against revali's chest.

revali blinks in surprise, staring down at the mop of dark gold hair atop him. "nothing you need to concern yourself with," he says, eyes wide. "when did you wake up?"

"been 'wake since 'fore sunrise," link mumbles. "jus' too warm 'n comfy to get up. hope you don't mind."

revali relaxes and sighs. "you're lucky i'm too comfortable to care either," he murmurs. he adjusts the way his wings are wrapped around link's body, and the little hylian hums and snuggles closer. suddenly, revali feels wide awake and he swears his heart could jump right out of his chest right now. "do you plan on remaining shackled to my body for the rest of the morning?"

"if you'll let me," link murmurs in response, and the rito feels like the breath has been stolen from his lungs.

"fine," revali acquiesces, once he feels like he can breathe again. "just this once... you'll have to get up to eat anyway. everyone here knows about your voracious appetite. you're incredibly insatiable for a hylian." it's not like he truly wants link to leave anyway... but link doesn't need to know that part.

link hums. "okay." they're both quiet for a couple moments, until the little hylian speaks again. "thank you again for this, revali. i appreciate it a lot."

revali pauses, his heart skipping several beats now. "good to know you possess enough of a developed brain to not take my gifts for granted," he replies, barely keeping the tremor out of his voice. but the rito's voice softens as he continues. "and... you're welcome. my kindness is not a gift i grant as often as you might think. so treasure it now; you may not be so lucky to receive it so freely again."

"i will," link replies, his voice muffled in revali's feathers. the rito swears he can feel link smiling into his skin. "so thanks again."

revali blows air through his nares of his beak. stupid, stupid link. try as he might to reject and dislike the effect this little hylian has on him, he can't help but crave it more and more. perhaps the bestowal of more of revali's gifts onto link are in order...

[lu-is-not-ok]

hmm if we’re still discussing E.G.O can i ask for your thoughts on Ardor Blossom Star? I know you already talked about Ishmael’s Roseate Desire so I won’t ask for that but I’m interested in the way that it’s a wrath E.G.O despite her non-corroded line being rather passive.

by the way, how do your interpretations of gluttony and lust differ? Is it the way that the motivator of greed (or desire) is expressed?

I'm gonna answer the second question before the cut, so that people don't have to scroll past another whole analysis if they're curious.

To me, the main difference between Lust and Gluttony is whether one's actions are towards an Actual End Goal.

Lust represents actions done to indulge one's desires or for the sake of personal fulfillment. By such definition, the End Goal is already stated, that being either reaching that fulfillment, or satisfying one's desires.

Gluttony represents actions done out of hunger, which Limbus gives us two interpretations of. The starving hunger of Survival, and the endless hunger for More. Notably, neither of those types of hunger have an End Goal, they are all a kind of process that would go on and on without stopping.

In the case of Hunger of Survival, there is no clear Stopping Point to trying to survive. You either struggle to survive endlessly, or you eventually fail and die. Likewise, there is no clear End to the Hunger for More. It is, by its nature, endless, constantly reaching higher and higher, towards a better and bigger More than one already has, with no set Goal beyond constant progress.

Hope that helps make my interpretations a bit clearer!

Now then, onto the analysis you asked for.

As always, we're starting with the abnormality. Ardor Blossom Moth only exists as a Mirror Dungeon Event, and it's not as explicit in its themes as some of the other event-only abnos, but I think there is something to be read into here.

The main idea Ardor Blossom Moth carries with it is that of warmth that is as beautiful and enticing as it is dangerous. The balls of light the moth is found among are described as dancing, enchanting, tempting.

At the same time, the Moth is described as burning to death. It scorches whoever it touches, and its warmth is described as dubious if one decides to resist the urge to reach out.

I think there's an easy way to interpret how that translates to Ishmael. On the surface, she's calm, collected, and reasonable. She's the type of person one would be tempted to listen to and follow after in lieu of a leader figure.

However, that's all just a facade. Internally, Ishmael is a mess who's controlled by her emotions and obsession. Trying to reach out and learn about that part of her is bound to burn someone, regardless of whether she means to or not.

There's something else about the Ardor Blossom Moth I want to point out that seems to parallel Ishmael quite closely if you think about it.

When reached out to, the Moth quite literally attaches itself to the person who did so, the burning lights clinging to their body and engulfing it in light and flames. On the other hand, if the Moth is rejected, the person feels coldness crawling up their spine in an instant. The inviting yet dangerous warmth is immediately snuffed out.

I think this serves as a good parallel to how Ishmael acts in general. She clings to reason and to people that seem to follow reason like she does. However, it is extremely easy to lose her trust and for her to start holding a grudge, just like how the Moth withdraws its warmth the moment it's slighted.

Now onto the fun part, the Sin analysis!

Ardor Blossom Star's Sin damage is Wrath. In my interpretation, Wrath as a sin represents actions done out of self-rightousness or defiance, the belief that something should be different just because you wish it so. While it does often correlate with the feelings of anger, it's not a requirement.

In Ardor Blossom Star's case, I think this is very much the kind of Wrath that does not necessitate anger. Specifically, I think the usage of Wrath here is meant to symbolize Ishmael acting in defiance of herself.

Just like the Moth tries to defy its own nature of hurting people by seeking to be touched, Ishmael is defying her own nature with the way she acts. Though she can't guide with pure logic, as emotions and obsession paint her thoughts, she's still trying to embrace reason and offer it to others.

To quickly touch upon her Corroded dialogue line, this interpretation gives it an interesting hidden meaning. Her trying to act with reason and logic is a struggle, and she hopes that the world around her is as reasonable and logical as she is trying to be.

Onto the Sin requirements. Ardor Blossom Star requires Wrath, Lust, and Envy.

Wrath, as mentioned above, represents Ishmael's defiance of her own nature. It's a reality she doesn't accept, and so she does what she can to act in a way that doesn't align with it.

Lust as a Sin represents actions done for the sake of indulgence or personal fulfillment. There's a few ways one could interpret this E.G.O requiring Lust, in my opinion.

One way to interpret it is that Ishmael refusing her emotional nature and acting calm and reasonable is fulfilling to her. It makes her feel better about herself than if she were to let her emotions take charge.

However, there is another way to interpret Lust here, one that is unique to Ishmael. In the case of Ishmael's E.G.Os, Lust can also represent her indulging in her compulsions. Perhaps, despite wishing to act in spite of her obsessions, those very same obsessions are a part of what drives her to act that way.

This, in my opinion, would be very fitting with Ardor Blossom Moth's themes. Though the Moth is trying to act in spite of its flames, their warmth is the main way it tempts people to touch it. Likewise, though Ishmael wants to act in spite of her emotions and obessions, those compulsions are in fact partially driving her to act with only reason and logic.

Last requirement here is Envy, which represents actions done as a reaction to other people's actions. I think this means that a small but significant part of why Ishmael acts the way she does is due to how other people acted on her voyage. After all, some of her dialogue lines imply that she has more than enough knowledge of what happens if someone makes a mistake on board.

Having been around people who make bad decisions due to emotions (Ahab likely included), she decided that it's better to follow logic and reason at all cost.

...I guess we'll find out how much of that I got correctly in like, what, a few months? Kinda wild to think that Ishmael's Canto isn't that far into the future.

[sevicia]

My parents were talking about my sister getting a job and like, my dad's always agaisnt nearly every single job ever because it's "dangerous", and my mom was telling him like "everything's dangerous these days! you just want her to stay here forever?" and then asked him if he'd let my sister move to another city, because that's what SHE did, and he said NO. And my mom went "Well, I'd let her! Oh, I wouldn't let Dante do it though. He's too innocent! But his sister has a lot more common sense, so she'd be OK"

Like this is just how my life is now. I'm too stupid and naive to do any "big" or "dangerous" things alone, and I should only ever try when someone else is around to "help" me by getting exasperated and treating me badly whenever I make a "mistake" (AKA don't do it the exact way they want me to). But I'm also old enough that I should know better and know how to do all these "common sense" things that no one ever taught me, and the fact that I still don't know how to do them at my age makes me feel so fucking useless and ashamed that I barely even wanna try learning anymore. There's always gonna be someone to do it for me anyways because I'm so stupid and clueless and useless and obviously can't figure anything out by myself.

I hate trying new things, because if I try to do them by myself and fail I get told "See? You DO need help! I'm not letting you do this alone anymore!", and if I do them right suddenly it's just not that big of a deal and I should've been able to do that AGES ago, and if I ask for help and start asking for clarifications/clearer instructions they get angry at me because "it's SO OBVIOUS, are you PRETENDING to be stupid?"

I'm trying SO hard to not hate myself for not having done most of the things a lot of people my age have already done/learned but it seems impossible because like. Why am I so stupid? Why am I so useless? Why am I so naive why am I so slow why am I so far behind???

I only started to feel like I had actual consciousness about two, MAYBE three years ago, and whenever I realize I learned something new or FINALLY figured something out I feel so happy! But I can't tell anyone IRL because I don't wanna get called stupid.

And it just makes me so incredibly miserable to think that I won't be able to move out til I'm like 30 or maybe EVER, that I'm just gonna be here forever, always too slow and useless to do anything to get out. I want to live by myself and to do things that I WANT to do and to stop feeling this deep deep shame about my own stupidity but it just doesn't even seem plausible right now, and the worst part is that it's all my fault for being an idiot but most importantly for being compliant and always too scared to protest.

[thorne1435]

I have been on feminizing HRT for one year.

I mean, as I write this, the anniversary is about 5 days away, but I'm queuing it for the exact day, so you will be reading this on my anniversary at the earliest.

I feel the need to say something either to inspire other trans women to go get HRT (seriously go to Planned Parenthood they'll just give you hormones, no referrals. it's great. the informed consent model really saved my life), or to document my changes for pseudo-scientific purposes (this isn't a valid scientific source or anything, I just like to be open about it for information's sake). Either way, uh, let's talk about it!

This post isn't going to be strictly not-safe-for-work or anything, but because anatomical topics are often seen as NSFW, I would read this as if it's a smutfic, if I were you.

Obviously the first big change that everyone thinks of is breast development. I'm not gonna lie to you here, it's not like I got D cups, but I started at the age of 19 so it's not going to be phenomenal for me either way. With that knowledge in mind, I'd say I made out pretty well. I don't know exact sizing or anything, but it's noticeable to the point where I actually have to go out of my way to hide them when I am trying to present as a man around people I can't be out to. I can tell you that I was wearing a padded bra to pass better at work when they hadn't grown yet, and I'm at the point now where they are naturally the size that the (relatively dismal) padding had made them. So that's gotta mean something. I still don't have a lot of the vocabulary that a cis woman would have to describe these things yet, so uh...that's all I can do for you, as a description.

The first change that I noticed, though, was actually within the first week or so, which almost makes me think I hallucinated it, but I remember distinctly being shocked that my skin was already way softer and clearer, which is bizarre! I don't actually remember what it felt like before, but obviously I did at the time, and it was rougher, I remember that much. Not the case anymore! It's such a small detail that it can very quickly fade from your memory entirely, and that's kind of inspiring to me, even though I know it won't work that way for everything else, it's just nice that some parts of my boyhood are just gone forever (as long as i stay on the hormones).

The big change that might discourage some women from getting hormones is genital shrinking. And as I understand it there aren't many ways to avoid that, because suppressing testosterone just has that effect on the male body, but based on my early experiences with the reduced sex drive that is also present when you suppress testosterone, ask for Progesterone when you get started, because it helps a lot, especially with some of the more socially-inconvenient aspects of your hormonal change. There are also some T-blockers that supposedly don't have this issue, like for example Bicalutamide, but if you're going to get Bicalutamide, you're going to be on the standard, "years of referral and bureaucracy" tract, so...y'know, don't hold your breath on that one, it'll take you a long time. I'm fine now though. About a month after I added progesterone to my treatment plan I was back to normal sex drive and everything was fine. Of course, what I mean to say is that the shrinkage has stopped because of the return of my sex drive. It doesn't work that way for everybody, and I thought for sure it wouldn't work that way for me, but if you end up being like me, you could probably minimize the collateral by just asking for prog outright instead of waiting like I did.

Smaller change that makes me infinitely less suicidal and demoralized: my body hair has changed colors! That should be enough of a reason for every transfem to go out and get HRT right now, I mean it! It's so relieving. I remember when I was, like, "Officially Trans" (at least at work) but not on HRT, I used to get distracted by how my arms looked, especially when I was sitting in the sunlight and it was obvious, because the darkness of the hair felt so disgustingly masculine to me that it made me think I had no hope of ever passing as feminine to anyone. And obviously that was wrong: I was able to pass as feminine without hiding my arms at least once or twice before HRT (though to be fair I did not try often). But regardless of that, the fact that I don't spiral into anxiety and self-loathing every time I'm in the sunlight without a coat on anymore is probably the best change so far, all things considered. And I grew tits! So that's saying something, I think.

This body-hair change doesn't apply to my beard in quite the same way. I always had a really good beard as a man and a lot of people liked it and thought it looked great (I did not shave often enough I looked terrible, but I did kinda make it work I guess), it was a deep orange-red color which has now brightened out to that vague off-white blonde, pseudo-translucent color that your smaller peach fuzz hairs have. There are a lot of upsides to that, but there are some limitations to the effects. For example, even though I don't have to worry about stubble as much, when I don't shave it's still fairly noticeable if you're looking. The texture also hasn't changed, it's still very coarse. And this is a source of some dysphoria for me personally, because I don't like that I have a beard at all. Nothing to be done about that, of course, and I sort of think that's a "for good" thing? Even if I had the money for hair removal procedures a lot of them only work if you are pale-skinned and dark-haired, just for physical reasons. At least, last I checked. And while I am very pale-skinned I am not dark-haired. And, well...that's fine, it's whatever. It's fine...I'll just shave forever i guess its cool...its...its whatever... no its fine really im fine. its okay. im fine.

its fine.

Another good contender for "best change so far" is the mental and emotional change. I feel feelings now. I haven't done that in a long time. And it's kind of a rough transition to make, actually, because now I'm reacting very emotionally to things and I really haven't figured out how to cope yet. It's like I'm doing everything that I was doing before but now it's not a performance, it's just an actual innate response and honestly, it's really hard to control. I guess I'll have to work that one out over time. But I would take "Emotional" over "Dead inside" any day. I wish I'd done this sooner, for that reason alone.

Fat redistribution is a bit hard to measure because I've never really had much fat in the first place, but my coworkers told me that I was developing a more feminine silhouette, and that was about a month ago, maybe two? So, I guess what I'm saying here is that you should probably get a friend to look you over every month or so if you're really worried about this change, so they can tell you that you've developed child-bearing hips or whatever else you're looking for. This fat redistribution is supposed to apply to your face as well, and that's something that makes you look more feminine when you've been on HRT for a long time, supposedly. I find it really hard to notice, personally, because I always had a really thin face. And since I wore a thick full beard throughout all of my adolescence, I don't actually know what my old facial structure was, that well. I do think it's gotten thinner. But for me personally, I think that's made me look a little worse. Ya win some, ya lose some. Bitches be ugly sometimes, that's fine. beauty is subjective. It probably won't work that way for most anyone else, it's just I always had femboy-face. Too bad about my beard really, I could've tapped into a market there if I weren't so fucking hairy...anyway what were we talking about?

On the subject of hair, something has been happening to me that is not supposed to be happening according to a lot of the research I did before I sought HRT out. I'm noticing that small patches of my beard aren't growing at all, especially on the sides. I've also noticed similar effects on my leg-hair. That is, 100%, not supposed to happen. As I understand it, based on all the information I could find, HRT cannot undo changes. It can cause changes that haven't happened yet, but once something grows in, no matter what it is, it usually can't go away naturally. I'm not complaining. And, transgender HRT is a very sparsely-researched field as of yet, so maybe this is just something we don't know about, or something about my body chemistry in particular, IDK. I'm not a doctor.

Anyway, that's it. That's my little HRT anniversary journal. If I'm still on tumblr on 7/22/24, I guess I'll do this again. But I have no idea where I'll be in a year.

I hope this is insightful for someone. And I hope that when I look back on this, I either cringe or I cry. Because that means I'm growing up still. (see, that line? that's the one i'll cringe at.)

[neitherabaron]

You mentioned that you've finished writing Gobelins, and I'm wondering if you're gonna raise money to produce it, or do it out of your own pocket? Either way, I'm very excited to hear it, hope your op goes well!

Thanks for a great question! There's definitely gonna be an Indiegogo fundraiser at some point before I start production, but the scale of that is going to need to depend on what my life is looking like at that time. In other words, when I’m physically able to devote time to the album again, I’m going to have to assess my capacity before deciding the scope of the project.

Basically, there's an "ideal" way I'd like to make Carnaval des Gobelins, with a physical edition, cool merch for backers, guest musicians and liner art commissions. I think it's gonna be the most satisfying experience for listeners and the best move from a "growing my business" point of view - producing that kind of stuff gives me a chance to order excess merch and another little revenue stream, which would take me a little step closer to making this my main job. But, it's also a big project to manage and as much as I want to do it that way, I'm not gonna bet on being physically well enough to do that until things are clearer. I'm pretty dang ill.

Then there are other options - like limiting that stuff to a digital version for Bandcamp and streaming, plus physical CDs that are a bit more pared-down in terms of liner content. And on the other side of the spectrum, there's just producing a digital album, like I did for The Wassailant, which while still a big project would be logistically simpler and would require the least amount of funding.

I'm going to run a fundraiser no matter what the scope ends up being and the reason for that is that I'm handling the production for C des Gs alone, in my studio. I have a great set-up and good technical knowledge nowadays and can make stuff with much higher production values without the spiralling costs of studio and engineer hire. However, to get the album done, I'm going to need to treat it as a part-time job for about a year and so I'm going to have to find a way to help me through that time financially. The reason I was able to finish The Wassailant within a year was because of all the time spent at home during the pandemic! I'm not going to start production until I find a new part-time day job anyway, so I certainly won't be trying to raise the sort of money to depend on! But I probably will be earning less from a day job while I work on the album and I will need a small amount to supplement that/keep for emergencies if something goes wrong for me in that time - so that I don't have to halt production part way through.

So the low-scope, digital-only version would still be a crowd-funded affair, just a fairly low scale one. For the big one with all the cool rewards and awesome CDs and everything, I guess my other mini-worry is I don't actually know whether the funding goals I’d have to set to produce all the awesome extras are actually realistic to what people can afford. I don’t know if I could fund a project at the same level as a Mechanisms album for example, because I don’t have the same reach the band did. But we’re probably looking at something comparable, cost-wise, to The Bifrost Incident (but closer to its goal, not the final amount it was pledged) to produce the “full scope” version. Plus, the last time I ran projected costs for the project was before the cost of living crisis, so I don't know right now whether the CD/merch suppliers' costs will have increased.

I genuinely feel a ton of support and goodwill from people like you who really want to listen and I know there are plenty of you! But also I truly don't want to assume anything from you, so we'll have to see how realistic it is to make the full bells-and-whistles version, financially or in terms of my capacity, nearer the time. The way I'm feeling as I type this is that I may run the Indiegogo with a lower inital goal and just a couple of reward tiers (aiming to fund production and release the digital album and a simpler physical edition) and try to do some of the other stuff like an expanded liner or producing merch (and making merch available at discounted rates to backers who want it) as stretch goals.

Anyway, that is almost definitely a much longer answer than you were looking for, so I'll stop now. I really do appreciate the great ask; having the chance to thing about a proper answer has helped me straighten a few conflicts in my head that were causing me a little worry. Hope you have a great day!

If you've read this far, thanks! Please reblog this if this sort of thing is something you'd be interested in supporting and would like to spread the word. I don't know when I'll be ready to start a campaign, but I want more than anything to get dates for my ops, recover to the extent I can, and do it soon.

[l0vegl0wsinthedark]

heyy <3

can i get some writing tips??

like how to describe something without seeming too much?

oh and how tf do i write smut 😭 i always cringe and end up deleting it

thank you 💙🤍

p.s. have a lovely dayyy

Okay look i usually never answer these asks with any real advice because i just don't think i am qualified to teach anybody how to write. I'm so sleepy and tired rn so obviously I'm going to give you advice. I will tell you what i try to bear in mind while i write which is never haha. Please don't read this more than once:

When describing:

People:

Don't describe clothes/outfits in intricate detail unless the details matter/contribute to the story/plot. Or if the clothes themselves help describe something else (eg. Her blue shirt made hear eyes appear bluer than ever.)

While we're on a person's appearance, try to describe a character in a way that tells us more than just about what you're describing (eg. His sweet smile was directly at odds with the malevolence his eyes always gleamed with.) Two birds, one stone.

Please refrain from having character stand before a mirror and describe themselves in painful detail to the reader. Just please no. (Case in point: nicely separated breasts. iykyk)

Describe a person's nature/character using their actions. Actions similar in style/motive etc will go on to form the character's tendencies. This is how the reader can then go "ah shit, he's about to fuck around and find out isn't he thE IDIOT NOOO I KNEW IT!!!". Additionally, this can also be a way to surprise the reader "great she's gonna work late AGAIN and miss the— SHE JUST BROKE HER BOSS' FACE?!?!!?AHSHSJSJHSHS"

Setting:

Describe what is pertinent to the scene you're writing. If you describe one particular thing in rich detail, it's gotta play an important role at some point.

The curtains don't have to be blue if the character is sad. They can be any colour you want them to be. Use instant instinct to draw details; if you overthink you might end up pouring a whole lot of meaning into stuff that you never intended to and this might distract from the actual story.

The more details you provide, the clearer the picture in the reader's mind (also the more you need to remember if you're revisiting the room). It's a fucking gamble.

When providing descriptions in general, less is more. I struggle a lot with this because i want to tell the readers about every flower in the upholstery and every lamp post on the street. When you read the old classics you'll find all these detailed descriptions and they're just so charming. Something about the way literature has evolved since then has prompted professors to teach us not to bore the reader with too much or something. Like, honestly, i don't think any two writers can describe something in the same way. It all comes down to style i think??

On writing smut:

I am the opposite of an expert just please don't listen to me.

Please just say cock.

PLEASE DON'T SAY CUM.

Please let them sweat and smell like it; let them make dying whale noises instead of musical moans; sometimes people have kinda funny or weird sex faces and that's fine i think.

Body parts dangle and sag and bulge and jiggle.

Bodies have hair.

Write what you think would feel good. Chances are that others might think so too.

No he cannot last that long, make him come.

No she did not squirt like a fountain.

No he does not taste like fucking mango sorbet or some gourmet shit; his cock tasted like a dick because it is a penis.

No her vagina did not look like a rose spreading its petals and did not taste like a strawberry; it smelled and tasted like a vagina.

Sometimes sex is awkward.

Not everyone is an expert.

I think it's safe to say that one does not usually have fourteen consecutive orgasms.

Look i can go on and on. Keep smut real and stay in character and things will sound hot because the people having sex in scene think it's hot.

Everything i have just written is complete bullshit. Kisses!

[mrs-monaghan]

Jkk probably feel the need to defend V's behavior lately, because if they don't then they're left questioning his loyalty to Jm regarding Jk. The day V tells Jk he likes him the most or that he likes him to his face, then what? When V did that in front of Jk and said all of that to Jm, even causing Jm to tell him to stop when he kept telling him he liked him, it was written off as soulmates, besties, even with people trying to defend Jk, saying it was wrong if he's dating Jm. If V was willing to tell Jm he likes him and not be joking and later on say he likes Jm the most right in front of Jk, then what would stop V from flipping the script and doing it to Jk now, since they seem closer lately?

I don't think V would do that tho, because it is Jm he likes the most, not Jk & Jk wouldn't ever let V do something like to that Jm, but if Mr. Unpredictable ever did tho, I'm betting it wouldn't be written off as besties/soulmates, like it was with Vmin. We had Jk saying from a friend & Jm's actual panic waiting for what V was gonna say to him, then Jm looking at Jk after V said that to him & Jin's side eye & Suga yelling to break the tension. They all knew & braced for impact lol. He's not a horrible person, he loves Jikook, but he's unpredictable & enjoys trolling & kinda does before he thinks. Example, Going live from Jk's house without asking permission. If Jikook are dating, I imagine that didn't sit right with Jm & calling out people for saying it was wrong, cause they don't want to admit they themselves know its wrong, isn't okay. You may think its right, doesn't mean someone else does & no one has a right to say you can't feel its wrong. Jm is very patient with V cause he loves him & V just told Jm he loves him openly on IG just 4 mons ago, so I think Vmin are fine, but there are limits & patience can wear thin, even when it comes to besties.

what would stop V from flipping the script and doing it to JK now, since they seem closer lately?

Who's side are u on anon?

I love this video sm!! God Bless the person on twitter who made it 😂😂😂

No, but really, anon you have to watch how u say things. We live in a world where Tkkrs sent death threats to V pretending to be Jkkrs so they can make us look bad. We have them using Jimin as their PPs so they can lure people into the cult. So I am very cautious, alright? Let's be careful about how we word things so I don't side eye u 🤭🤭

Just because we don't see Jikook out and about like we used to, don't mean Tkk are now closer than Jkk. U know what, I wanna talk about this. The vermin can yell till the cows come home but we only have 2 legit instances of them being spotted together. 2. TWO instances. Bowling

And the musical

The end.

Every other instance has been made up and doesn't exist. The snowboarding which later turned into ice skating??? The way that story kept changing? And the fact that JK who hates the cold was ice skating without gloves and that's how a fan spotted him? 🤡🤡🤡🤡

Then we have the TT ontop of that one hotel. Where they supposedly spent the night together

Never mind that other members were present too and a certain girl group was also staying there. ☕

Speaking of the TT (that was for work) I have never seen anyone bring this up so I will. When this TT got posted I was trying so hard to figure out what or who I was looking at.

It was hard. Alright? Go to the comment section and see Trashkookers complain how they wish the video was clearer. The fact that I needed to check the tags to know who was dancing 🤭🤭 And so when this happened my Jikook brain couldn't help but wonder; editor - JK did he do this on purpose? Would he have edited the TT the same way if he had done it with Jimin? With Hobi? Was this him denying the cult content? We know he don't like them. 🤷🏽‍♀️ Food for thought. 🤔

Moving on swiftly....

Back to your ask my darling anon. I'm sorry your one sentence sent me into a tangent. 🙏🏽 I pretty much agree with everything u said. I will clip Jimin looking at JK during that Vmin moment so we can all enjoy it together.

Notice how Jimin didn't say "I like you the most too?" Is it because there's another person at that table that he likes the most? 👀 But the kicker is when Jimin looks at JK immediately after saying that. Immediately. Gee, I wonder why. 🤭

You know what this moment reminds me of? Bon voyage season 4 episode 6.

Jimin says he wants to sleep in the tent WHILE LOOKING AT JK. JK tells him to go ahead. No one else, just JK

Jimin repeats again *while still looking at JK* that him and Suga were gonna sleep in the tent. And JK nods.

👁👃🏽👁

This reads to me like Jimin was asking for permission here. He gets it the first time but once again feels the need to reiterate; babe, I will be in the tent with Suga. 🤭🤭

But like i said before. We don't talk about Yoonmin 🤫🤫🤫

[blnk338]

Bro I’m so stressed about my future that I’m thinking about enlisting just so I can be told what to do 😭

Any advice for a stressed person?

im kinda gonna do the best i can to answer this, and i hope it gives you at least a bit of clarity

i'm not sure where you specifically are in life; just graduating high school, maybe college/uni, or later on, or even before that, who knows, but if there's one thing I've learned is that sometimes you just gotta be stressed. its part of the ebb and flow of things and its not avoidable, even if you have all the money, all the time, all the everything in the world-- stress is commonplace.

with that, though getting yourself organized, figuring out what needs to be taken out of your big stack of stuff first, is important to settling the stress. it's kinda like if people threw a bunch of eggs in the air and tasked you with catching them. if you don't catch the ones that are closest to the ground, they might crack, so you should take care of them first. on top of that, if you take care of those eggs, you'll have a much clearer view of the sky and the sun because there will be fewer eggs in the way.

sometimes eggs crack, sometimes they shatter completely, and there's nothing world-ending about that. we have two hands and the size of them vary between people-- one person can carry three eggs in one palm, another can only carry one. to call yourself inferior to get in your head about your value, or anything like that, based on the eggs you can carry, isn't good either.

we are all just trying to catch and carry the eggs back to the basket so there are less broken eggs on the ground.

and sometimes we look at the eggs in our hands, maybe the yolks on the grass, and we desperately want another set of egg-catching hands because we think it'll make us better. and sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. if enlisting is something that you think will benefit you, then do it. I'm not entirely sure its my place to say whether or not it should be your next step in life, as I'm not you. the order can help get our heads in line, but sometimes it's the solution we think we want, but not actually need.

eventually, you gotta hold those eggs on your own; palms big or small.

i suppose this is a very long-winded way of me saying that you should slow down, look at the eggs in your hands, in the basket, and in the sky, and think for a moment if enlisting and all that comes with it is an all-round beneficial. is it better to be away from home? to be around strangers? to be told what to do at the expense of the free range you have here?

whether you go or not, you should know that you aren't the only egg-catcher in the field and a lot of people get where you're coming from, and believe in you. sometimes our hands get yolky, but we are yolky together :)

[knightzp]

Hi Miki!!! Was wondering how did you learn english? I'm gonna start working on spanish soon and I'm trying to think what would be best for how to get a basic knowledge of words and stuff because I don't know much

HII TIA!!! ohh in my case i learned a good part of my english just going to classes. english is like the compulsory second language in almost all schools here so i remember starting learning my very first words when i was just like. three years old lol. apart from the lessons i had every year at school my parents also made me attend a lot of extracurricular english classes growing up and i even went a couple of months during summer to the uk where i spent the time living with a family there and so i had no other option than to read and talk in english all the time and it helped a lot too

but ig this isnt very useful to you so thinking of something that can help you in an easier way and that has helped me a lot too was reading a lot and watching shows in english! i was always very lazy to start reading books in english ngl but when i started with fics i had no other option so i slowly began doing it and tbh it took me a while to get really used to it, bc even if i already had a good english level there were still words and expressions typically used in writing that i had never come around just yet. i was slow at first, looking words on the dictionary from time to time, but i really felt like it helped me lots to get better and it still does. and not only fics. unironically reading posts here on tumblr also helps a lot bc it makes me read in english every day and so i can easily maintain my level and even improve it. for the tv shows, i found that watching cartoons especifically helped me a lot since i hear the voices clearer than in other shows and even if you dont know that well the language i feel like this helps. ive done this not only with english but also with french, which im by no means as fluent as im with english but even if i didnt understand every single word i think it helped me quite a lot!

however its true that for what i said abt the reading and the tv shows you need at least some basic level on the language and since you said you dont know much.... mmmm i remember that back in school we used to read some thin books during english classes that were basically adaptations of other actual books (like one i remember was frankestein for example) but with simplified language and they were available for each level you had so something like that might help ! idk if it would be possible to find them online for free but i dont think itd be very expensive to buy one or two if you want to

[loulines]

I got my anniversaries mixed up.

Fuck.

Not that it matters. The thing on June 21st was something I confessed to someone which started a series of things that made me end up in therapy. Still ironic.

My fandom anniversary is about a week later. Can't really remember when exactly anymore.

Again, it doesn't matter.

I survived my first ever therapy session, that's what matters.

Normally I wouldn't write about it, in fact I haven't really felt like talking about the details for the couple of days, not even to my friends. My family doesn't even know I went there.

The only reason why I want to publicly speak about it is because I know there are many people like me who are struggling and on the verge of breaking apart, but they're too afraid to start therapy, or procrastination and executive dysfunction are kicking their ass. I can only hope to inspire at least one person.

I'd rather not talk about how I even got to that point aside from the thing I mentioned earlier because this should stay private. But it was that and also years of other unfortunate events that shaped me into the miserable wreck I am today.

I've been considering starting therapy when things were still somewhat "not great not terrible", but since I was terrified of talking to anyone, I did everything I could to not find a specialist.

Then, when I actually seriously considered getting the appointment, I have already done things I was even more scared to talk about with a stranger because therapist or not, the last thing I needed was to have someone confirm that I did morally wrong and unforgivable things...

And of course living in a hell of a homophobic country doesn't help either.

Hundreds of mental breakdowns later, and buckets of tears I've cried, my irl friend told me that I should really look for someone to help me. My first reaction was of course, "no way I will do it," but then she told me that she's looking for a therapist herself too. And she told me about her ways to look for someone.

So eventually I spent some time on research, wrote down some names and then left it like that without making an appointment.

It was fine. I did the first step anyway and that was what mattered. A few days later I was getting out of another meltdown and then I just... I grabbed my ipad, went back to the list and made an appointment with the therapist that "seemed" to be the best for me.

And that was it.

I almost started crying while I was signing up because it felt like I was making a life changing decision. And idk... Maybe because I finally agreed with myself to get the professional help I've been avoiding so much in the past.

On the day of the appointment I was stressed AF but it hit the catalyst 15 minutes before. I thought I would pass out and I don't know if it was my nerves or the heatwave or both.

And then it happened. Again, I don't want to share any details. Some things got clearer right away and made me feel calm now, the rest is still confusing. I definitely need more sessions. I might attend them feeling less stressed though. Hopefully.

I don't want to draw any conclusions now. I don't want to examine myself in search of finding immediate changes in me and my POV... That's gonna take a while and just because I've been feeling slightly better for a few days and not s**c*d*l (as usual) doesn't mean I'm already fixed. I'm not. I'm still beyond broken and more than confused.

Tbh I know absolutely nothing about mental health. All the attempts at trying to understand what is happening to me or others were only making things worse. I used to think I can DIY my own therapy without stepping out of my comfort zone. I cannot.

Had I started therapy earlier, say 8 months earlier, maybe I would be in a very different situation right now. And the people that were affected by my mental fuck up would be as well. Maybe things would be so much better now. I will never know. Time can't go in reverse, what's done is done. The only thing I can do now is to trust a specialist and hope I chose the right one.

And wait.

For days, weeks, months, maybe years...

Until life is good again.

[st-kitten]

pt.1, pt.2, pt.3, pt.4

[continued]

she didn't know if she felt anything for kiyoshi, but she was sure falling for his actions. his little gestures that swooped her and whisked her away

"why did you give me this book?" she asked

"because i saw myself in you back when i was studying. but, i got distracted by the training, the parties, the dating, and the works. i wanted to study and get my degree, but i also wanted the fun. i knew i had it in me to focus, but…" kiyoshi was unsure about saying riko's name, but fuck it, he thought. he didn't want to lie. "riko made all the fun seem more enjoyable than the studies. so, i slacked off and eventually fell deeper into the student debt when i couldn't catch up. i had to drop out. then i got the cafe job, which I'm still working. I've been studying with some friends, who are helping me catch up for an entrance exam to get into a nearby university once more. somehow…"

kiyoshi looked directly into y/n's eyes

"watching you study so passionately made me want to try it too… and not gonna lie… studying with my juniors, kagami, kuroko, and of course, imayoshi, who by the way is over the top insane about studying and basically a monster version of you… is fun too. you made me see how fun it can be to truly put your effort into something. so, if i was doing this better, i couldn't leave you worrying over your studies. i'd seen this book in touou university library, when i went there to give imayoshi some things hyuuga couldn't deliver. it seemed older. but, i still wanted to get it for you. There's just… this pleasure… in reading a fucking book… with actual fucking pages. never thought i'd say that, but here we are..." (my thoughts too, bestie)

y/n felt happy for kiyoshi after hearing his story. she never thought she'd have an impact on him

"kiyoshi... that's so kind of you. and i'm happy that you're studying hard. only good things from hereafter, trust me. no better joy than to overstep the word limit of your paper. ace that exam, you motherfucker!" she punched him on the arm

he ruffled her short hair. "nerd."

"right back at you, asshole."

y/n and kiyoshi spent the next few minutes insulting each other and eventually ended up laughing comically

"international terrorist, what, where did that come from?" asked kiyoshi in between laughter

"i don't know! the way you look rn, you'd pull off a mass murderer easily"

"i'm the sweetest guy ever! whom would i kill anyway?"

"your exam, your friends, your teachers, the common public?"

"you think you'd survive?"

"you won't kill me."

"mm you sure?"

"oh yeah."

"how so?"

"aren't i your inspiration to study?"

"well i am studying. not like i need ya now"

"what if you do?"

"what if i don't"

"you'd really kill me off?"

"depends."

"on?"

"what you have to offer?"

"i could be your legal support."

"too complex."

"i could make another speciality for your cafe"

"i already do that"

"i could be your tutor?"

"no thanks, i don't want another imayoshi..." said kiyoshi

"the fuck, teppei, just kill me off now. I give up."

"already? someone i know didn't give up on her work and still continues to strive for it..."

"you and your wordplay. you sure you're not a manipulator or something?"

"a terrorist, a murderer, a manipulator. do you actually like me or were you just attorney-ing your way into my cafe?"

"shut the fuck up, i do like you!"

"what was that? didn't hear you."

"you sly bastard. i said i do like you."

"mmm must be hyuuga snoring, could you repeat that?" kiyoshi leaned closer to her, lending his ear trying to hear clearer

y/n leaned forward and yelled in his ear "i fucking like you, asshole!" 

kiyoshi flinched a little, laughing at her messy state

"ahh, i see. got it. you love me,"

y/n hit his arm once more, laughing

"you don't love me? bitch pick a side!"

"stop playing mind games, kiyoshi!!!" she whined like a child

"nah"

"wym nah" she asked

"nah. i won't stop."

"fuck you then"

"right now? here? i don't even have a condom."

"kiyoshi fucking teppei. what is wrong with you?" she asked, chuckling

"more like what's wrong with you? you say you love, wanna fuck me, and then you call me out like that? girl, you mean"

"bring back kind kiyoshi. please" she begged.

"mean kiyoshi is sexier tho"

"no he isn't."

"he is"

"isn't"

"is"

"not"

"is"

"I'm not playing this."

"so i win?"

"no."

"so you lose"

"i- wow you'd make a troublesome lawyer"

"advocate kiyoshi... has a nice ring to it."

"sure does"

"tell me, ms l/n, what do you have to say for your crime?"

"bitch what crime?" she asked, throwing a pillow at him

"my my, you've gone deaf now? you defamed me, kiyoshi teppei, your guardian angel, who helped you generously and got you through a tough spot. yet you defamed him."

"fuck i did not!" y/n couldn't hold back her laughter.

"and now you lie! this is perjury! the court demands you answer the truth and nothing but the truth."

"geez, fine." y/n raised her hands. "ask away, punk"

"Mm... Did you think about him after you both kissed?" he suddenly asked. y/n looked at him. he looked solemn, meaning he wasn't joking around.

"kiyoshi..."

"answer the question"

"i- kiy..."

"truth and nothing but the truth"

y/n took a deep breath. "yes"

"yes what?"

"yes, i thought about him after we kissed"

"and is there something you'd like to tell him about it?" he asked. he had no idea where this unflinching confidence was coming

y/n wanted to lie and say that it didn't mean anything. that it was just an accident. and even if it was so back then, she couldn't lie to herself that she'd liked it better than her kisses with hanamiya. hell, sometimes she'd imagined kiyoshi instead of hanamiya whenever they made out

"tell him... that the kiss didn't mean much..."

kiyoshi gulped.

"... but it might if it happened again..."

kiyoshi had never reacted this fast in his entire life when he grabbed y/n's face and kissed her roughly. y/n jolted a little from the impact, but kissed him back, holding his shoulders. kiyoshi pulled her closer and she sat on his lap, snaking her hands around his neck, aligning her lips with his, deepening the kiss. this was a moment she didn't know she wanted until it happened. kiyoshi half-moaned into her mouth, holding her waist with his vice claw, practically embedding her onto his lap. he'd imagined this scene countless times and now that it was unfolding, he wasn't going to let it go...

u guys want smut? ( ≖‿ ≖ )

[star-mum]

How Ep 7 should’ve actually happened if not for Plot™

OKAY– so I was going to write this as like a scene rewrite BUT i don't want to sksksksks soooorry :D EITHER WAY LET'S GET TO IT BABIES

posting this specially for my angels @pinkchubbiebunnie and @trice-divergent thank you so much for letting me take so much of y'alls time with my bullshit :3

For the purpose of this, I’m going to assume the accusation scene happens somewhat similarly, but the only one who's actually suspicious of Jason is Rachel, cause her thing is directly linked to him and she's more angry and upset than anything. The others will bring the stuff that happened to them but more as in a “huh… something hinky is going on here” and maybe try to investigate it properly

A day after Jason almost dies NO ONE has talked to him until Dawn asks Dick to do it, neither her or Kory seem sure he’s okay enough to do a good job at it – he's obviously distracted with something else. Which leads me to my first 2 points: 1. at least one of them would take that as a clue someone should do a follow up with Jason after Dick talks to him and 2. it's crazy to think that NO ONE ELSE in the entire team didn't even try to check up on Jason – specially Gar or Dawn – that’s stupid at the least and INCREDIBLY out of character at most.

So with that in mind, I'm going to do a character by character “analysis” to show what I think really happened, in an AU where events aren't controlled by Plot™. I'm so glad this is what I'm currently using my psychology education for !! hooray !!

Dick Grayson

i can't say for sure how much of this is an accurate read on Dick’s personality or and how much is just wishful thinking on my part but let's get to it

Even though Dick is – clearly – going through some stuff I think he’d try to be a little more honest with Jason, like actually talk in complete sentences for one, but also actually make sure Jason at least heard him before he bolts out the building. He could've done more, this whole episode Dick is so worried about the past and its implications on him now that he completely ignores pretty obvious warning signs. There's I think 2 things he says that IF FOLLOWED UP BY ACTUAL SENTENCES could have actually meant something:

“Good thing Conner was there -> “Im sorry” SORRY FOR WHAT?????? BE CLEARER PLEASE !!!! Dick does feel responsible for Jason’s kidnapping AND the fall, he knows Conner being there was pure luck, he knows what would've happened if he wasn't – they both do – so apologize like you mean it, say where you failed and what you are sorry for, you can't just hope the other person is going to guess what you meant, SPECIALLY Jason, he doesn't feel cared for, he thinks you're apologizing just to say it, HELP HIM BELIEVE YOU

“All of this is my fault for going alone” -> “No. I don't think that” This ties into the other paragraph but FINISH YOUR SENTENCES !!! SAY WHAT YOU MEAN !!! You could just be saying that to make Jason feel better, thats what hes gonna think anyways, say the words, tell him “I'm sorry I wasn't there for you” “I'm sorry I let you go” “I'm sorry I let you go alone” HE KNOWS Jason is impulsive, he really thought if he let the teens unattended nothing would’ve happen? And YES Jason is grown enough to make his own decisions this isn't ONLY on Dick BUT he could have tried to be a better mentor to him before all this happened, he should tell Jason that

“Rest up” at the risk of sounding repetitive I'm just gonna say, Dick knows Jason is training like that to keep his mind of the bad thing that happened, he’s done it too – probably still does – tell him it that even tho it can help now it won't solve everything forever, connect with him, share your failures and bad experiences with him BEFORE he’s standing on a fucking ledge.

Hank Hall

I fell in love with Hank while writing his part, I'm so sorry

I think Hank would be the 2nd to talk to Jason. First I thought he’d go with Dawn or because she asked BUT !! ACTUALLY !! It makes more sense for it to come from him.

His whole job before coming back to the tower was helping at-risk youth was it not? I know it focused more on addiction but suicidal ideation – and life risking behavior in general – is very linked to people who suffer from any substance abuse, not to mention emotional distress/trauma can be the leading cause for developing it as a coping mechanism (look at me and my professional lingo)

He would recognize the signs, is what I'm saying here. Hank and Jason might not be super tight friends but he cares for the kid, that's clear. I can’t decide how he would approach Jason tho, it could go one of two ways: 1. he uses the training room as an excuse – either during sparring or some other training thing (?) like holding the punching bag for Jason or something, idk im not athletic – so it feels more like a conversation than an intervention AND it would be a good bonding moment for them, to show that even tho they find each other UNBEARABLE, they can still be there for one another OR 2. i did say two ways huh well the second way could be the next morning before everything blows up, he tries – although a little emotionally constipated, cause bro dudes – to have an honest conversation with Jason about the risks of isolating himself after a traumatic experience, THAT approach however – like being more direct – might “scare” Jason a little and make him lash out

Dawn Granger

At first, I had Dawn as the second person who’d talk to Jason, but now I think she’d be third. She's really good at reading people and social situations/cues, so obviously would notice Dick was acting very weird and probably didn’t talk to Jason as well as he could have BUT Hank did go to Jason first, so she’s gonna trust him to do the right thing and talk to the kid when she sees him in the morning – that is, if Hank goes right after dinner, when Jason is still training, which makes the most sense to me.

I think she’d probably talk to Hank first, to see how it went, so she has a better sense of what Jason needs to hear right now. Even if there wasn’t anything to add, she would still wait for him to show up in the common areas — I don’t think she’d go look for him, just wait until “he wants to be found” kinda deal — and the very least tell him she’s glad he’s safe, and offer him a space to talk about what happened. I don’t know how positive of an interaction this would be, but I think anyone — even Jason, in his current emotional state — would find it very hard to snap at Dawn, and IF he did she seems like the person to keep her cool and try and understand their side while still setting down boundaries (she’s so calm when speaking that you’d feel silly for raising your voice, you know?)

Kory Anders

“You're making me feel helpless and I hate feeling helpless” you cannot tell me this woman wouldn't even THINK to check on her number 1 problem child, like that's stupid. HOWEVER I can’t just ignore her reaction to Jason’s death “he made a mistake and didn't learn from it, now he's dead” which is,,, well accurate BUT the problem isn't that Jason “didn't learn his lesson” after Deathstroke, he did, just not the right one – he learned not to trust anyone but himself, people betray him, leave him for dead, accuse him without proof -> instead of learning to lean on and trust others.

So because of that I think she would talk to Jason at some point but not be very nice and sweet about it, she’d be very direct, to make sure this doesn't happen again. Like not mean either, don’t get me wrong, just direct. I think after all the weird inspirational speech vibes from Dick, Hank and Dawn, Jason would appreciate someone talking to him normally and not “babying him”. I'm assuming things don’t escalate so fast at breakfast, so Kory has time after that scene to talk to him

Like I think Kory would also wait until she sees him, instead of seeking him out, and I can definitely hear her saying something like what she said in season 3 -> “you made a mistake, now you have to learn from it, make sure you’re picking up the right lesson”. Probably the most efficient out of everyone, cause she is still holding Jason accountable for his own actions BUT she’s also letting him know he isn’t a lost cause, so even tho he might still say something annoying or even mean back, he WILL think about what she said for the rest of the day

Donna Troy

Donna follows the same like as Kory, very straightforward, although I do think she’d check up on Jason for a more “basic” line, like checking how he’s taking care of himself — if he’s eaten, drank water, also warning him about overworking himself — almost in a casual or even “acidic” way tho —> “there's leftovers in the fridge” instead of asking if he’s eaten, demanding to have the gym to herself when she notices him way too long in there, wordlessly pouring him a glass of water if she’s already getting herself some — she’s more actions than words, to me at least

Garfield Logan

OKAY SO— I realize now I should’ve probably put Gar before Dick for what I'm about to say but idk do that right now. Gar would be the first person to check on Jason after they get back AND it’d go so bad, he’s also the reason dude’s training himself half to death— I'LL EXPLAIN !!!

So Gar is an angel who cares too much for his friends, yes? Of course. AND because of that he feels INCREDIBLY responsible for what happened to Jason: he agreed to go with him check the thing out, didn’t call Dick or tell anyone else where they’d be, agreed to get separated AND didn’t fight harder to go with the older Titans — “maybe with his powers, they’d have a better chance”.

And, unlike Dick, Gar would make that abundantly clear to Jason. But it wouldn’t be well received because Jason isn’t taking Gar’s apology as “I’m sorry I didn’t do more to help you”, he’s hearing it as “sorry I didn’t save you from yourself” WHICH would make him really mad at Gar for “implying” that AND even more mad at himself for doing what he did —> arguing with Gar and then go to the training room to let off some steam from the terrible day/evening he just had

Rachel Roth

I don't know how to say this without making her seem like an asshole but I don't think she would actively check on Jason. There is already so much on her plate because of her powers, she’s still resenting him a bit for what he said, and the mirror thing happens so soon she doesn’t even HAVE time to go and talk to him. I can’t remember now when she argues with Gar but it’d definitely make her even more mad at the whole situation, even if she’s not completely aware she’s projecting that stuff onto her feeling about Jason.

Extra - Zephyr

I wasn't going to, but I love to talk about self inserts/OCs SO if my self insert Zephyr – hero name – was part of this shit show, this is the role I’d want her to play !! : D

Little context: she's my on going self insert for just about anything, literally just me but with powers – if the universe demands – and cooler hair – I missed the days of having fantasy colored hair. She always has some version of “air bending” as her power, cause I noticed that a lot of main casts don't have an air bender in their groups

I imagined her having a kinda bickering rivalry with Jason, nothing too serious but also not super buddy buddy, she doesn't go with him and Gar to check out the thing – she’s not aware they left, until Gar gets back – and when Dick leaves with the older Titans, she follows him after he told her to stay in the tower, cause her powers could be useful – and they are :3 – long story short, instead of Dick catching and then dropping Jason, she manages to stop/catch him with her powers, but before she can start either pulling him back up or lowering him to the ground, Slade sneaks up behind her and knocks her tf out and Jason free falls again. (I HAVE THIS SCENE SO CLEAR IN MY BRAIN !! ITS LIKE REALLY GRUESOME AND EVEN MORE TRAUMATIC FOR JASON :D PLZ LMK IF YOU I SHOULD EXPAND ON THIS !!)

SO— because she got her shits absolutely rocked, she would ALSO be in the medical area, in a different room from Conner, I think either Kory and Dawn would switch places to watch them both OR they would stick to Conner and Rachel would be the one keeping an eye on Zephyr. Considering that the two people who did the most to help Jason got fucking wrecked because of it, I think it’s safe to say he’d feel too guilty to visit any of them.

If we go with Rachel on Z watch duty, I think she’d maybe try and use her powers to heal her, not completely tho cause she’s still unsure about them but enough for Z to be able to at least get up next morning, so after helping Kory out with Conner, Rachel would update Z on most of what happened last night: Conner saving Jason, Dick just leaving in the middle of the night, how Jason is doing, etc.

Now Jason doesn’t really goes to breakfast, and the whole thing with Rachel happens pretty early (everyone is still in the kitchen) SO I think the time Z actually goes downstairs (??? I have no clue what the fucking layout of this tower is like) is when all the yelling starts. Like I said in the beginning, the other guys aren’t gonna accuse Jason cause,,, it doesn’t make sense, so there’s not much to defend him from — maybe just help Rachel calm down “you said he was barely leaving his room for anything other than training, what would he do that,,, now specially?”

And only after everyone else starts sharing the weird things/messages they got she tries to talk to Jason, asking him if he’s okay, if he’s eaten, the basics — in their bickering way like “when’s the last time you drank some water ? your lips look chapped as hell” “why are you looking? 👀” — and then after diffusing some of the tenseness, getting a bit more serious with the questions and genuinely apologizing for dropping him (if he tries to change subject/dismiss her/even walk from her, she’s gonna play the “i'm pretty sure I’m concussed” card so he’ll at least stay put)

[pixyys]

At this point, I'm just used to your jokes now. Still doesn't mean that I cringe whenever I hear them /j

Indeed, I suppose I could become novice musicians along with Lippmann. Do you want to join us? It might even be cheap because of a two-in-one deal. I'll keep on learning the piano while you two can learn the violin. Maybe learn some musician pickup lines to impress Lippmann later on.

And for the Chopin? I thought about it again, but I think that it isn't considered sacrilegious. It still sounds nice afterall, and I'm pretty sure Chopin wouldn't mind. But I prefer the piano version as it sounds more clear.

Please don't give your jokes to Lippmann or anybody else. I can put up with it as I'm your brother, but other people will simply die of the cringiness of your corny jokes lmaoo /j. And afterwards I'll actually decapacitate myself because of the amount of terrible jokes I've had to hear. Pianoman don't you dare xD

An old couple, you say? Well, I don't know how to feel about that; we aren't even together. I convinced Silver to finally take a nap, but she just couldn't sleep. So in the end I had to literally hug her and stroke her hair to help her fall asleep... my heart has never pounded so quickly and loudly before.

Oh, my dear sister, how you make me laugh. I just wonder how you haven't thought up of such an easy reply, but I guess I am a genius. And do not worry, your secret is safe with me, because I definitely do not want to be strangled by those wires while being bombarded with your corny jokes.

Really? Is that what you know him for? Well, that Dazai definitely is cunning and mischievous. I'd have you know that he went head-to-head with Iceman, and Iceman even failed to assassinate him, so he isn't a 'poor guy'. And please don't try your jokes on him. He'd quite frankly punch you.

-🎹

P.S. At least you think so? Well, pray tell, what happens in those 'romance novels' that you read? And as for the date? I think it's still too early... however I think I know what Silver feels for me

ahh this is exactly why i love you <3 finee, i'll tone it down with the "cringy" jokes, at least in your presence.

see? i was right when i said you should change your name to "genius man." do you need to ask? i'm definitely down for it. finally, i'll get another chance. this time with the musician pickup lines. there's really no going back if i mess up again. i just hope i won't embarrass myself in either that or my violin learning process. thanks, genius man!

hm. by the way, do you think lippmann is "lippmann" because he has pretty-looking lips? /lmaoooo plss im cryinf asdfjkl anyway-

ooh, i'm glad it isn't some form of artistic sacrilege. i sometimes listen to orchestra performances, but you're right. having a single musical instrument-say, a piano- dedicated to a single piece will make the performance much clearer.

ha! bet! maybe i'll start saying it to someone i probably won't meet again. like the barista i buy my morning coffee from! or the newspaper guy, or the old lady walking her dog down the street-okay that may be a bit too cruel. i'll probably still say one or two things to the men you stationed near our house though. to alleviate their stress and tension for a bit./lmao the saga continues

you.. you what?? brother, you don't even hold me and stroke my hair to sleep when we were toddlers. i think i'm missing something. oooh boy, when's the wedding day? i can't wait to be an aunt. i wonder if it's gonna be a boy? or a girl? or twins! everyone should be invited. we'll have the grandest celebration ever.

aww this is why i love youu (2nd edition). seriously though. err, does this 'nakahara chuuya' has bright orange hair and uh, quite petite in stature? i bumped into him when i was on my way to see you, and he looked quite.. severe. my tongue just acted on its own, and that "axolotl joke" came out. he did give me a nasty sting eye, but i didn't get punched! i guess that's a good thing..? ahaha..

p.s. you know of her feelings?? excellent. this is all according to plan. i'm just a little worried a possible misunderstanding might breach you apart, though. you know, what if she thinks you're feeling attraction to someone else after you asked her about that "crush"? that sounds like a recipe for disaster.