#I'm sick of putting myself out there and being taken advantage of

[p3rson27]

I love the way wine hits it's like

I'm fine :) (I'm so sexy and powerful and this alcohol isn't affecting me at all)

*stands up*

Uh oh

[idyllic-affections]

HELLO!! YOUR BAIZHU WITH CHRONICALLY ILL READER IS THE BEST THING THAT'S EVERY HAPPENED!!! I've never seen a blog that does only platonic things, and as an aroace person, IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY! I wasn't too sure if you requests were open or not, but I was wondering if you could make either some headcanons or a fic where the reader (from that series) has a flare up or gets sick and Baizhu takes care of them? I'm unfortunately sick right now (just in time for when my final school assignments are due, slay 😍) but found family and hurt/comfort are literally the best thing ever, and, if put together, I'm pretty sure will cure me /j. If you requests aren't open, then please disregard this message!

Anyway, I gotta go sleep before the fever messes up my brain (if it hasn't already); so good bye, and thank you again!!

a slip of the tongue.

summary. how does baizhu care for his junior herbalist when they fall ill?

trigger & content warnings. flu-like sickness, lighthearted mentions of death.

tropes, pairings, fic length, & other notes. hurt/comfort-ish. baizhu & reader. 1.1k words. they/them pronouns for reader. this post is an expansion of invisible disability? it's rather visible to me & contains vaguely implied spoilers for baizhu's story quest.

author's thoughts. hello lovely!!! thank youu <3 i am slowly collecting people that like this series like how i collect shiny rocks. its great to get a request related to it. i hold this series very dearly, so please (and this goes for everyone reading this!) never be shy to send thoughts about it or requests related to it. anyway, i love catering to aroace folk, you all are so special to me. im on the aro spectrum myself, so i get it. i know from experience that it can be super frustrating looking for fanfic content that's non-romantic. please remember to take care of yourself! i totally understand the feeling of needing to finish final assignments while being sick. me and you are in the exact same boat LMAO... my requests are always open btw! ive no intention of ever closing them. in the end, i went with our poor reader being sick rather than having flare ups, since i already briefly touched on that idea in employee benefits.

how does baizhu care for his junior herbalist when they're sick and out of commission?

baizhu is most often the first to know when they're sick or otherwise unwell. he's so impossibly attentive to their bodily condition, simply because their health is partially his responsibility. he's their teacher. what kind of mentor would neglect to take care of their apprentice? a bad one, that's what kind.

(he also feels somewhat indebted to them—even though they're chronically ill, they're always doing anything they can to help him recover after his "secret art" treatments. even though he's the doctor, they've helped care for him on more than one occasion. he has to return the favor whenever he can. just because he's older doesn't mean he gets to freely take advantage of their kindness.)

if he's not the first to know, he's the second, because the only instance where he wouldn't know first is if they woke up ill at home.

he'll always end up being the second to know, at the very least. someone will inform him of their condition, whether that be a parent or a sibling or another family member. sometimes a friend of theirs may tell him, such as xingqiu, chongyun, hu tao, or xiangling.

in hu tao's case... she may be distrustful of him, but she does tell him when they aren't well. [name] is a childhood friend of hers. she cares about their health and, surprisingly, doesn't want to put them in the ground just yet!

even though she dreads the path they've chosen to walk down... she still cares for them, very much so.

(junior herbalist!reader's lore drop is finally here?!?!?)

regardless of how baizhu finds out, they'll end up being cared for at the pharmacy.

though he could prescribe them medication and let them be taken care of at home...

he often wants to care for them himself.

gui has asked why in the past, and baizhu really has never had a good answer for him.

he's really not sure why he wants to be the one to monitor them. perhaps it's because it gives him a sense of calmness and reassures him that they're recovering well.

after all, if their condition were to rapidly decline for any reason... he could fix it.

(to some others, his concern might seem overprotective. unnecessary. however, something as simple as the flu has been known to take lives. he worries that, because of their chronic illness, they may be more susceptible to a severe case than others are.)

he has the means to save them if something like that were to happen, and undoubtedly, the life of his sweet and kind apprentice is one that deserves to be saved and protected.

perhaps it's also because it seems to put qiqi at ease; baizhu's noticed that she gets fidgety in [name]'s absence during work hours, but when they're ill and being cared for at the pharmacy, she functions very well and often even remembers to check on them herself.

sometimes when they have a fever, qiqi may sit by their side for minutes at a time and just press her little cold hands on their forehead to cool them off. she also ensures that they stay hydrated.

both baizhu and gui find this behavior very endearing. qiqi cares deeply for her big sibling (despite the fact that she's technically older...). her bond with them is something very special and sweet to bear witness to.

bubu pharmacy's work environment is familial and tightly knit by nature, so it isn't too hard to imagine that something would feel wrong if one of the four herbalists were gone for whatever reason. even those who don't work there are affected by the absence of one or more of the pharmacists.

overall, baizhu takes very good care of them when they fall ill.

he monitors them closely, hand-crafts their medicine depending on what they need, makes sure that their fluid intake is maintained...

he dotes on them tbh.

"Ugh..." they groaned, blearily blinking up at their mentor. Baizhu's hand against the feverish skin of their forehead was cold; they couldn't help but lean into the gentle touch. "Bàba?"

He didn't point it out. He hardly even acknowledged their words, as if he were somehow used to it. He only smiled, hand stroking tenderly over their disheveled hair, taming the defiant strands no doubt caused by restless sleep. "So sorry to wake you, dear."

Even Changsheng was quiet—she only hummed thoughtfully from her place around Baizhu's neck. Normally, she'd find something to tease them about (usually because they started it!), but now... she seemed to know that it just wasn't right to tease them in their hazy state of mind.

Gui was quiet, too. He was surprised. He had never heard them address their mentor such an... informal way, let alone with familial terms. He did once briefly think that the dynamic they had with Baizhu was awfully family-like, but...

It was still unexpected.

"Come, now. It's time to take your medicine again, and then you can go back to sleep, okay?"

Gui watched, still silent, as they hummed in absentminded acknowledgement, rubbing their eyes ever so slightly. It didn't seem to help them come to at all; their gaze was still distant and unfocused and they didn't even realize how they addressed the doctor. If they did... they'd probably apologize, embarrassed, but they showed no such emotion. Baizhu gently guided them into a sitting position, rubbing small circles on their back.

Gui handed the cup filled about halfway with herbal medication off to the doctor. Baizhu gingerly guided it to their lips, knowing very well that the guidance was needed; they looked half-asleep sitting up. Archons know they were in no condition to successfully do it themselves. They took the medicine without so much as a whine about its bitterness—they only grimaced slightly after swallowing. Gui supposed that they never really were one to complain about it, even when fully coherent. 'I think it would set a bad example for others if I complained,' they once told him. 'Plus, it's not like Dr. Baizhu gets some kind of sadistic pleasure from giving medication to me, so there's no reason to complain. It's herbal. There's nothing to be done about the taste... I know he doesn't like taking it either. Hehe. It's kind of funny, actually, like we're hiding some kind of company secret. Herbalists who don't like the taste of herbal medicine.'

It was only after he left the room with the doctor that he pointed it out:

"They called you bàba."

"Hm?" Baizhu hummed, turning to Gui. "Oh. Yes... [Name] has done it quite a few times, actually, whether that be because of fever delirium or a slip of the tongue. I don't mind it. It only means that they feel safe enough to be vulnerable here. Qiqi has done it a few times, as well. Those two are only children, so... it is to be expected."

Gui then smiled, nodding. "It's cute."

Baizhu couldn't help but agree, his lips tilting upwards into a little smile himself. "It is."

please consider reblogging, it helps me out quite a lot!

[pearldog30]

Rodolfo (Rudy) Parra head Cannon

Since my last HC in my personal opinion did well. I was not expecting to get any hearts or anything (which I really appreciate it, and thank you all so much. people don't realize how much it really means to new writing like myself.) I'm making another one, and I'm making it on a character that I don't feel like gets enough credit our boy Rudy love him so much! This is also on the more realistic side I try with all my HCS to make them realistic.

Master list

Warnings| none that I know of, and as always let me know if I got the tags right.

1,000% his love song (if the link doesn't work cuz I know sometimes it doesn't it's all of me by John legend slow and reverb)

I feel like out of all the cod men he would be like the least "abusive" one. he would actually go out of his way and take precautionary measures to deal with his trauma/PTSD and all the shit he has to see cuz let's be honest. not a lot of people can handle what he sees on the daily.

He's also insecure about the scars on his body, from fights. not only do they bring bad memories, but he also doesn't want to scare you with them.

Concentrated to popular belief. he's not that emotional since he's always going to therapy, and dealing with his emotions, he's very much mentally drained. (but in a good way. And that's why you're there to give him a warm hug, and just let him lay there and soak in the moment to gather his thoughts.) he would also love it if you went with him, just so he can prove to you he's actually doing very good in therapy and making a difference.

he's also the most easy to earn his trust, and get to know him and get to be a part of his life. (but if you backstab him. or any of the people he loves, and mistreat his trust, there will be hell to pay you don't fuck with him. or his loves ones people learned that the hard way.) but don't be mistaken there's still that little wall he has up due to his job.

Also I feel like there'd be barely any fights, but if there are (because let's be honest no relationship is perfect) he straight up ignores you, and gives you the silent treatment. until y'all can go your separate ways, clear your heads and then have a conversation and talk it through, he wholeheartedly believes on communication is key.

He's also high key the most patient one, and level-headed out of all the guy's. despite him being Hispanic.

With him being so patient he's the one you need the most when you need to vent/rant/etc. and he'll help you through it rather it be giving you ways to deal with it, or just listening to you, he's there. (you will keep putting him in a trance because he's so in love)

I feel like he's also gotten taken advantage of in past relationships so he's clingy as hell.(he's low-key got abandonment issues and has a terrible anxiety about you leaving him because he isn't "good enough")

Also high key A MAMA'S BOY! (you cannot tell me otherwise.) and with him being a mama's boy he treats you so goddamn well, Straight up Queen treatment. Accidentally got you the wrong thing at the store, oh he'll make it his mission like the world's coming to an end. and will go back and get you the right one even if you beg him not because it was just a misunderstanding mistake.

With him being a mama's boy if you earn her trust, (if you thought earning his trust was hard, OH BABY. you have no idea how hard it is earning his mama's with his job she's always low-key looking out for him rather it be partners/job/day to day life.) and if she falls in love with you. OH HELL YOU BETTER WATCH OUT he ain't ever letting you go.

He's also an amazing cook. like man's straight up grew up in the kitchen with his grandma, and Mama. (cooking is like a sad, but good memory for him. since his grandma passed away it's a way for him to honor her.) oh you want some soup💥 BAM💥 it's right there in front of you. you don't even have to be sick just you alone mentioning you're hungry and he's right there on it.

He lowkey sometimes smokes after a rough mission. (nobody knows about it other than the guys, not even you he doesn't want you worrying about his health.)

Love language, words of affirmation, physical touch.

If you read all this thank you so much! I'm sorry this one wasn't a long one. But I hope it was good I tried my hardest. Reblogs and comments are always much appreciated 🖤

[firstdivisiongirl]

Hello there! Can i request a perfect match for tokyo revengers with a male character please? Going by the list here, some of my likes are: thunderstorms/rainy weather (i love to fall asleep to the sound of the rain), food, music, freedom, money lol, spending time with my loved ones, looking pretty, surprises, learning something new, warm baths and spring season. Some of my dislikes are: being controlled and restricted, people who pester me to tell them what's wrong when i clearly want to be left alone, spiders, minions (kidding, i don't mind them), sneaky backstabbers, cheaters, really hot weather, being taken advantage of, people who can't mind their business and coffee.

My pronouns are she/her. My personality, i would describe myself as shy at first. Like i just don't know what to say sometimes, so i can be a bit awkward too but i try. Now if we're close i like talking about whatever comes to mind and i love hearing their opinions. Especially when i need advice on something. I don't waste my energy on people who don't put effort in relationships/friendships. I enjoy making others laugh. I'm responsible, caring and protective. I'm also playful and like to have fun. Of course i do know when to be serious, but sometimes certain situations make me giggle idk why. I don't like routines because after doing the same thing repeatedly i get bored. I can be childish and clumsy sometimes. Since i'm more of an introverted person, i do need some time to myself to recharge. Depending on how close we are, i either reply fast or take a while.

Hobbies: As i stated earlier, i like music so one of my hobbies is listening to music. I listen to a lots of types of music, but my favorite is kpop. Some of my favorite kpop groups are ive, newjeans, aespa and nmixx. Dancing, video gaming, learning new languages (besides english, im fluent in spanish and french. currently teaching myself italian!) yoga, graphic designing, solving puzzles are some of my other hobbies

Extra: I have HORRIBLE eyesight, but i rarely wear glasses. I need a stronger prescription anyways 😭 so whenever i cant see something from my afar i ask my friends or siblings what it is. My love language is gift giving and physical touch. My favorite dessert is cheesecake and my favorite food is pizza. My favorite colors are pink and purple. I don't like being babied for the most part (unless im sick), but i do like being spoiled

Thank you so much by the way🥰

Hi! I am excited to do your matchup. Sometimes for me, matchups are easy to figure out for me. And yours's was one of those. I hope you like who you get. And lets get started.

You Got...

Ken "Draken" Ryuguji!!!!

You give me mad Emma Sano vibes in the best way

He would like that you aren't too serious, but not too carefree. You are mature and know when it is time to work and when it is time to play.

He would love to listen to you and give you his opinion. He is apparently really good at listening and giving advice.

The ladies at the brothel? They'd love you. I just know it.

He very good at taking care of people (as we see with Mikey), so he would definitely take good care of you. But he also is not one to baby someone, so he wouldn't baby you either.

I think dates would indoor movie nights or something fun that you like. He would love to see what you like and maybe he learn himself. Maybe he'll teach you something too.

He's spending lots of money on you. Expect lots of gifts. He probably one them for you.

He may seem cold, but he's a big teddybear. Remember that

[princessaurorasdiary]

Diary 3/1: Kissing a girl for the first time

I kissed her then ran away, or at least as much as one can without leaving the car we were in. It took more than 2 hours of holding her hand and trying to find the right moment, even though she's expecting it, and waiting for me. Maybe half an hour in I tried to kiss her, cupped my hand on her face and got so nervous I jumped away and hid under my jacket like a security blanket.

It was both easier to try and kiss her because I know she was waiting, and harder, she told me she would be, I told her before I was nervous and that last time we talked in her car for 3 hours I spent the whole time wanting to hold her hand

So this time I held her hand as soon as we were settled into our parking spot, with my very large Dr pepper, I barely drank any of it since my throat hurts still getting over a 24 hour cold, she doesn't care if she gets sick, but I'm still nervous to kiss her.

After 2 hours she pokes me and I poke her back, give her a kiss on the cheek when she plays injured, some time later she pokes my knee, I tap her's, she plays injured and I tell her I know what will make her feel better and finally kiss her, I then ruin it with how I have physical reactions to being nervous and perceived and jump away from her and curl into a ball, I tell her I wish I wasn't like this, running away from her after finally kissing her, she tells me its okay, I believe she means it but I still feel stupid for it, after I calm down I go back to holding her hand and talking and then see its 11:11, I tell her to make a wish and she kisses me and says her first wish came true, my wish was that, honestly my brain said multiple, at first my default, that I wish for everyone I care about to be happy, then that she's happy, then that we're happy together and that this all goes well since she's leaving in a month.

She says her second wish was to be a penguin, she loves penguins, I tell her I couldn't kiss her if she was a penguin 🐧 and kiss her again, every time I've kissed her I've cupped her face in my hand, the video tutorials all did that, and I don't know what else to do with my hands. At some point after the first kiss I started making more physical contact with her, and after the third I was scratching her leg or arm lightly, the way I've always wanted to do to someone, the way I do to myself when I need comfort, the way I want her too.

She wants me to take the lead but I have no experience and we have so little time, she's been taken advantage of by lovers and less in the past as a sex object and kink for being trans, but I don't really think of her as anything but what she is, a gorgeous girl who makes me happy, it took her time to believe I didn't kust want her for sex like the others in thd past, and I didn't mind giving her time and reminding her whenever she asked "why?", I want to show her love like she's never been shown before so I'll keep trying to be bold and take the lead, and I know one day I won't be so nervous, but hopefully I won't be too late by then, her move date got moved up by multiple months, because I don't know what I'll do with myself if I can't have specifics to think about when she's gone.

I kissed her again before I got out of the car and she teased me that I was running away again, I had no way to retort but to say "well, technically, but also no, I'm just walking away, because." And gave up and told her goodnight.

At some point before I kissed her I said I was gonna steal her hair band and then stopped, she asked why, I then playfully actually took it and put it on my wrist, after a minute I went to give it back and she asked why, I said I'm not gonna steal your hair band (scrunchie that actually I noticed later matches the shirt I was wearing) she says I should and I take my hat off and put it on my already tied up with a small band hair, the undone hair I was hiding because my hair looks horrible not styled, I don't think anyone cares more about how stupid my hair looks than I do though and people keep telling me it's fine but I can't seem to believe them.

At some point before I kiss her she says I've missed about 24 chances to kiss her and she'll tell me all of them one day, I tell her I'm aware, because believe me, I am.

I will now never get rid of this hairband, I know this in my heart, I have a great memory for trinkets and why I have them, it's why it took me 6 tries of going through everything I own to undo the hoard, but now I want her to have something from me, I haven't decided what. Can't be cloths, I'm half her size. So I'm thinking a bracelet, from my friendship bracelets stuff, make her one I think she'd like, or have matching ones maybe, or maybe make them together? Idk yet

Well, It's extremely late and I think this is enough to post into the void, for others to maybe possibly come across and for me to read later. I wanted to write this down, because of how bad my memories gotten these days, as I was falling asleep I realized I have to do it now before I forget the details by the time I wake up, but it's 3:20am now, which isn't great lol

[bondsmagii]

Last night my s/o had a fake suicide attempt. He said he had taken too many sleeping pills and was having an overdose, I panicked and begged him to go to a hospital, to seek help of something, but he just kept refusing and instead just texted me weird messages and called me while weeping and mumbling (my mom is very sick and I traveled to take care of her, so my s/o and I have been in a long distance relationship for a few weeks). Since I wasn't there, I couldn't see him, all I had were those texts and calls and the information that he was apparently in the streets at 3 am...I have chronic anxiety, so I guess you can imagine the mental toll a situation like that had on me, my s/o was having an overdose and I couldn't help him or call an ambulance because he wasn't even home...turns out it was all a fucking lie, which I found out the next morning when he said he was completely okay and refused to go to a hospital...I found really weird that he was just ok after an overdose without going to a hospital or something, so I started asking him more detailed questions about the overdose, he contradicted himself so much that he ended up admitting he didn't actually overdosed, he just wanted to see my reaction and if I truly cared about him.

I feel betrayed. That was the worse night in my life, my mom is dying and I thought my partner was as well but couldn't do anything to save neither of them. My s/o does tend to try to catch me cheating by se telling his friends to hit on me, creating fake profiles that hit on me as well, talking me about really attractive friends of him and stuff like that (which was really hurtful, I would never cheat on him and felt like he didn't trust me at all), but faking an overdose drew the line...what should I do? My best friend says I should dump him, but he says if I ever left him he wouldn't have a reason to live...I don't want him to kill himself, but these "tests" are driving me crazy, which is the last thing I need when my mom doesn't have much time in this world. I'm genuinely confused, should I be more patient and comprehensive with him?

I'm going to be very blunt with you here, anon. I don't know if maybe you already know it deep down, or if you need somebody to tell you this, but regardless: you are being abused. your partner is abusive. this is abuse. this is psychological and emotional abuse, to an extreme degree, and you need to get out of there as soon as you can.

you have been betrayed. your partner took your love for him, and used it to take advantage of you. I imagine you've been caring a lot for your mother recently, and likely this was his attempt to get your attention back on him. even if this was a one-off, that would be so inappropriate and also emotional abuse -- but the fact he's constantly fucking around with you, trying to set you up, trying to make you look bad, refusing to put in the same trust as you do... this is atrocious behaviour. to top it all off, he pulls the oldest trick in the Abusive Partner book: "if you leave me, I'll kill myself!"

number one: even if somebody does kill themselves after a break-up, it is never down to only that. unfortunately it may be the last straw for some people, but it is never the only one. number two: even if he was 100% certain to kill himself if you dumped him, who cares. you do not have to be abused to keep his sorry ass alive. it's a terrible shame that he's suffering so badly that he's suicidal, but this gives him precisely zero excuse to torment and abuse another person. you do not have to take any responsibility for his life, and you should never stay in an abusive relationship just to keep your abuser alive. there is no stain on your conscience for leaving an abuser. none.

finally, this aside: it's highly unlikely he will. I have had several abusers tell me they'll kill themselves if I leave them, and would you know, they're all still kicking. it's highly unlikely that he will go through with it, though brace yourself for more fake attempts, or even a low-key real attempt like minor cuts or overdose. I doubt he'll even get that far, though. he's an attention seeker, and if you refuse to give him attention, he will move on. break up with him, cut contact, block him on everything, and refuse to engage. he'll flip out for a few weeks and then get bored. keep a record of everything he says to you, any texts or messages he might get through to you, and try to keep trusted witnesses around you. it probably won't come to it, but in case you need to contact outside help, this kind of evidence is crucial when it comes to abuse that leaves no physical proof.

your best friend is right. dump his ass now. spend time with the people who care about you. enjoy your remaining time with your mother. stay close to your best friend, who has your back. you don't owe him patience, and even if you decided to give it, he won't listen. he is not interested in a happy relationship with you. you are not a person to him; he just wants to use you to stroke his own ego. you deserve so much fucking better, so leave his ass.

[itsawritblr]

Women, our time is precious.

My former boss at a bookstore asked me if I'd be willing to come in 3 days a week for 5 weeks to cover one of his employees who'll be out due to foot surgery. He couldn't pay me -- if he did I'd lose my health insurance. He'd pay me in store credit for books, t-shirts, anything he sells. He wasn't willing to pay me cash under the table.

Background: I used to be a bit of a pushover. If someone needed help I rarely said no, even when it wasn't convenient. I did this for this same boss in 2022 when I helped him opening his new store; I didn't even accept pay, did it all for free. Until I realized I was being taken advantage of.

Well, a year later I was in the hospital, having an emergency blood transfusion because I was literally bleeding to death and I was about to have a stroke or heart attack due to blood loss. I then had emergency surgery to remove a cancerous tumor the size of a softball.

All the cancer was removed, it hadn't spread *knocking on wood like crazy* and I'm doing great. As it happens, a month after surgery my first children's short story was published.

This taught me my time is precious, and time's flying. I have a TON of things to write, and I have the luck to have time to write.

But when my ex-boss asked and made his situation sound desperate -- holidays season and he needs shelving done fast so people can see the books -- I said yes.

I put his needs ahead of mine. Which we women do too fucking often.

I woke up at 5 AM this morning thinking, WTF am I thinking? I don't want to do this.

Sure I feel sorry for my ex-boss, but his problems aren't mine. He owns and runs an independent bookstore. Finding someone to cover for an incapacitated employee is what he does, and he gets paid to do it. He asked me because he knew, consciously or subconsciously, that I'd feel sorry for him and help him.

I just emailed him and said that helping him would inconvenience me. I'd be paying $75 in bus fare to and from the store, and he wasn't going to pay me. I don't need store credit because I'm thinning out my books as it is, so he'd be getting my work for free.

I'd lose 18 hours of writing a week, not counting the time spent waiting for and riding on the bus to and from the store. And, I said, my writing takes precedent over everything.

So I said "No." And I was proud of myself for saying it.

Women, our time is precious. Too often we give it away because we feel empathy and sympathy, because we want to help others as we hope to be helped.

We put others, especially men, ahead of ourselves.

We women need to realize that at any time Life can suddenly throw us a curve. We may become injured. We may get sick. We may lose our job or have our partner/spouse/significant other suddenly walk out. We may not have as much time and health to do what we want to do as we think we will.

We need to

Do what you love! Write, draw, read, travel, whatever it is you love most in the world, devote yourself to enjoying it as much as you can. Even if it means you say No to what others want you to do instead.

BTW, here's a couple illustrations from my short story. THIS is what matters to me. :-)

[electronicsynth]

Musings --- Negative --- Don't Read if you don't want to see Emotional Bullshit

But like I left tumblr years ago to keep up with everyone who moved, but honestly the other site is a shit hole. Every site is. Social media is so fucking stupid, and I'm not free from that. I'm medicated now and really just thinking about a lot of things. Like. How I have really muffled myself for stupid reasons. How I try to be a good person in the eyes of everyone else it hurts. I was never an anti tho those were never good people to me, just bully's that want the abused to die. And well I'm kind of really done putting on this sheet of being a quiet good girl so to speak. Me and my System have really just sat down in a way and thought about things. I have a lot of people pleasing issues. It comes from abuse. I have NPD it comes from being neglected, speaking of which. I was talking to my therapist and she 100% agreed that NPD comes from being neglected and having to do everything yourself. But like I'm just sick and tired of being what I think people want. I barely even talk on my twitter, I barely talked on tumblr too back in the day and sometimes I feel guilty about not posting because I have been told that I'm not trustworthy because I don't talk. This was such a cycle, a cycle of like, being told that I'm a freak so I should shut up and also I can't be trusted because I shut up.

All of this has made me so hypercritical of myself even more than I was before I was a teenager. It sucks. I'm really done with it. Sometimes no matter how many things you do for someone. How many times you reach out and help, all you are to them are a supply of dopamine and they don't give a shit about you other then what you do for them. This isn't even the disorder talking. It's life.

Bpd/Npd comorbid is such an awful thing to have and to deal with. It's so hard to find help. Or to admit you need help. I want to run away. I want to quit therapy. I want to pretend that everything is fine and continue to be that supply of dopamine to people that hurt me because it gives me attention for that small fragment of time.

But I won't I'm going to stay away and be formal, be pointed and be casual. Stoic. Things that they would hate. I think that that is even better then starting a fight. I feel like having just an edge, just a small bit of power, just something will feel good. I used to be able to talk to people. I used to be able to play on irc or random chatrooms. My life has been a blur since I entered foster care and was thrust into a world of normalcy while being abused in a way I wasn't used to.

With all of this it makes you just so easy to be abused. So easy to be taken advantage of. To be taken for granted. To be insinuated to be a liar.

It's funny. I should of known people like that are never any good. V went on about his list, but was he wrong? Most people from those groups are known for being stupid, abusive pricks. I shouldn't be too hard on myself as a person, I don't think I've been out that much in the past decade, though, I think I was during some parts, hard to tell pre-knowing days after all.

I guess what I'm saying is what goes around comes around, and acting like people are just there for your own amusement is not a fun thing.

Revenge is a slippery slope, but, I'm not one to run from slopes. I'm really mad right now. I wish I could really put it into words, or tell people how I really feel. Or we could 'talk it out' because of course I'm just crazy and it just seems like I'm only important when you want something and I'll never not respond because I have OCD about messages. It's not that, you just never noticed even when people in my system were upset, struggling with life, wanting to d*e that we would always respond. It's normal not notice it's just text.

You've had so much of a worst life then me you shout from the back of your lungs, while I tell you nary details about mine, just the ones that don't make me feel weak. Just not the things that make me know that it's something you can make fun of an abuser for. Those are the things you can say.

Bullshit. Anyways. I'm done talking.

[finsterhund]

Every time I think I'm safe from heatwaves we get another one.

Maui is also on fire.

How much of our permafrost have we lost? I don't even want to check.

Will my favourite extant wild animal (emperor penguins) still be around in a hundred years?

Yeah it's one of these days 😔

And through all of this my bank is like 500 in the red. My overdraft is only 300. Bruh. Agony and pain on planet earth

But still I'm silly 🥺

Haven't been able to do my laundry so I'm not snuggling Sly because I'm in less than clean pajamas. Why did they raise the laundry cost so much :(

Talking to my mom and she's visiting family and seeing my cousins who are healthy normal well adjusted boys with ADHD with good lives and healthy support networks and functional social lives has made her realize how much she allowed my birth father to ruin my brother and me and she's shown so much remorse and yeah it is partially her fault but I'm telling her over and over that she was just as much taken advantage of by that monster as we were and it's wrong for her to shoulder the entirety of the blame when it wouldn't have happened if she had been married to a better person. Idk.

Her feeling so much remorse has actually made her soften her heart enough that she wants to send me the quilt grandma made for me though. Or is it the quilt great grandma made for me. She doesn't know. Idk how she'd be able to forget that. I fear her memory is just dying. Maybe she's so scared of my ability to remember things because it's showing to her she might be getting one of those mental diseases you get for memory with age. Idk. I know we're incompatible to live together and our relationship is still not healthy but I do care about her a lot. Don't want her to get sick or die. Really afraid of death and people I care about dying.

I'm not being torn apart mentally this time and I contribute that to my new antipsychotics but it's still pretty depression to think about all of this.

It's too hot to do anything so I'm just sorta stuck right now. Gotta keep telling myself that my financial distress will eventually become less scary. Because eventually my roommate won't need me to cover his expenses and eventually the government will have to raise my pension and eventually the housing market will collapse and eventually all the old money will die. Or whatever. Having a scary negative bank account and getting insufficient funds charges are just stupid monkey fake problems it doesn't mean I'm going to get hurt it doesn't mean I'm going to starve it doesn't mean I'm going to die. Just keep telling myself this. But it's still scary. I don't like feeling like I owe things. I know I can probably go to my bank and get them to reverse certain fees even make them increase my overdraft limit perhaps. Idk.

I just wish things could get better already you know? I get so tired all the time.

Apparently we're going camping on Friday. I'm all ready. Hoping my plants will be fine. I will water them well before we go. We're only going to be gone for half a week. Timed it around when I get paid so I can be away from civilization for the last days before my money comes in and puts by bank out of the negative. Roommate still says he doesn't know if he'll be able to cover all his own expenses this month yet. Big frustrated sigh. I don't just help because I need rent paid to keep the roof over my own head but also because I care. Maybe I care too much. People insist those with brains like mine do not care so I might as well prove them right. Less pain for me. But I just care. I care too much. Maybe I care because it helps me survive. I don't know.

Maybe the fact that I did have the period of my early years where my grandparents took care of me has actually made my life harder. Because I got a taste of how things should be so I'm less resilient to being hurt. I don't know if I'm conveying that thought well enough. Basically it allowed me to not have as thick of skin or whatever. Idk. I wonder if there will ever be a point in my relationship with my mom where we could live together. Humans are supposed to care for each other. God.

My cousins are all able to grow up. I am not. I am stunted and broken and frozen. Even if I thrive it's like I'm a bonsai tree compared to trees growing wild. I need special pruning. I need special access to light and water. I need special fertilizer. I can never reach my full potential. Can I thrive? Some think so. Some don't. If I get the best care possible I can look nice. But is that thriving? Is it inhumane regardless? Who can say. But there's no space for me to live "properly". If that makes sense.

How traumatic is it that it's integral to the queer experience, the neurodivergent experience, the disabled experience, that we have to fight just to have space to live? Humanity has built boxes that we now have to stake out an existence within the parameters of. To earn the right to exist.

Hoping I enjoy our camping trip. I'm not expecting it to fix me but I am fully anticipating that I enjoy it. Assuming I'm able to still enjoy things.

I have everything I need for the trip. I was responsible. Please don't let it be ruined.

I wish I'd hear back from my surgeon. I was supposed to have my surgery in May. Fucking May. My summer could have been so much better.

I wish me and Cazza could live on the farm. Was thinking about how if I had some money I could buy the land around the house back and set up a wind farm. Clean energy you know? Solar would be great out there too. I wouldn't even have to run a traditional farm. We need energy. I'd that my purpose? Hmm. If I was one of those assholes I could mine crypto too.

I think about having a solarium. You know one of those cool rooms with the big rounded ceiling windows? I would love to have that in the middle of nowhere and just have sleepovers out there. When it rains it would hit and run down those windows and look and sound really nice. I really just am made for the steppe. One or two special trees, wide open space, big sky. If reincarnation is real I hope I get to be Mongolian.

[perdidit-vulpes]

sa; mentions sex

... sometimes I'll be like nah that didn't really affect me and then remember that i often get physically sick from kissing people too much and sex for me is most comfortable only being one way and kissing before/during/after isn't a good feeling but that's just How It Feels and thats just What You Do and its not uncomfortable enough that a little bit cant be ignored but then i read fics with people making out and What Do You Mean You Enjoy This and then i remember that doing something you dislike for the comfort of your partner especially in mutualistic situations where you're supposed to both be having fun isn't. normal? "i don't want to do this but i'll do it for you" is a normal thing that happens in relationships (e.g household chores, errands, correspondence) but ideally I Don't Want That In Sex but i feel so broken and fucked up I don't think its possible to have sex I enjoy anymore and oh boy i've been in too many situations where my willingness to please is taken advantage of. i can't be genuine or trusting or shit even having others' desires in my best interest isn't 100% safe. i always have to have walls up or other people guarding me or be distrustful all the time and its tiring. why is it so hard to be the person i want to be. i just have to learn to deal with getting hurt all the time and it fucking sucks. its shit to put your everything into things and be the kind of person that i want to meet— that i'd be proud of— because you want to be so full of love and care and then bam! that's the ideology that got me raped. that's the ideology that got me taken advantage of for several months by several different people and i'm trying to get better and heal and take care of myself as much as i take care of others be-fucking-lieve me but it's really fucking hard when a loud minority exploit that. why does it hurt. i'm supposed to be getting better why does it hurt more than it ever did before. it hurts to be alive and real not because i feel it but because i choose to be. i love being alive i love existing i love the ups and the downs and the imperfections because its dirty and hard and so viscerally real don't get me wrong. but it sucks!!! it sucks ass to hurt and to be in pain and to struggle and YEAH i fucking get it!!! the point is to overcome to thrive to live on in spite of it but it still!! fucking!! sucks!! and god it hurts so much more than cutting ever did

[unfilteredgrounds]

Dark Places

I think I am in a Bad Place again. It's very embarrassing to admit. I thought that making it through at fourteen would be enough to help me stay away from it for the rest of my life. I am crying without warning again. Angry out of nowhere again. And what's worst, it's back. That fuzz around my entire body, the fuzz that makes me just want to sleep, that doesn't care about anything because one of my cats is dead, my dog may be dying, the farm is dying, everything is dying so what is the point of feeling anything what is the point of being awake what is the point what is the point what is the point.

My act is slipping too. Dad saw it today, said I looked down, and I just said it was about the cat. Sophie. Her name is, well, was I guess, Sophie. But now he's worried. Now he's saying he'll spend extra time looking for her, and that he doesn't know what to say to make me feel better, but he's sorry all the same. It makes me feel sick. This is what I want, right? For people to give a shit? But then why do I feel so guilty for making him upset?

I've felt a couple of panic attacks start to happen, but I've been too numb, I think, for them to fully come to pass. If I'm being honest, I'm scared. I don't feel like I'm in control of myself, and it scares me. I am walking a very thin line right now, and the last thing anyone in my life needs at the moment is a reason to be worried about me. I know that this is just a bad turn. A bigger wave than usual, but a wave nonetheless, and I can ride it out. I can.

I did something I haven't done in years last night. I considered something bad. Not permanent, of course, just scarring. I haven't thought about that in years. Does that make me a failure? Does it mean all of the work I've put into trying to care about myself mean nothing? Should I be concerned? I mean, nothing happened. But--

Maybe I'm finally losing it. Maybe I am finally becoming this thing I've been so afraid of. But I can't tell anyone. If I tell people, they will know, and then they will worry, and that will be a waste of their time because I'm fine I'm supposed to be fine I'm an adult and I can handle this and I'm older and stronger and better and I'm fine. I can outlast this.

I can't talk about it because I'm afraid that no one will actually listen to me. The first time things got really bad, people just talked over me. "Well, surely it's ____" "Surely, you just need to _____" Sometimes, I just want someone to listen to me, to not say anything, to just listen and understand without talking over me. I don't have the energy to explain when the explanation falls on deaf ears. It just means they don't care when they do that. Sure, they may think they do, but if that was true, why aren't they really listening? The same thing happened in February. "It's just your birth control that's messing with you. Spring break will help. You just need a break." If that's the case, why am I here, again, afraid? Why do I keep coming back here?

Sometimes I just want a hug. And silence. A hug that speaks for itself.

I'm sorry you feel like shit. I'm sorry the world is shit. But I'm here for you, like this. And I'll continue to be here for you.

That's all I want. I don't want to have myself explained to me, I don't want a doctor or pills or arguments, I just want someone to hold me and watch my favorite things for a little while. I want someone to bake me a cake without me asking, just because. I want to cry without having someone tell me to stop. Is that selfish? It feels selfish.

I worry that I'm like this with my partner too much, because he is the only person I have that does these types of things for me, and now that I know what it feels like to be taken care of, to be cared for, I'm afraid that I'll take advantage of it. Like so many people have done to me. And I don't want to be like that. He deserves the nicest, kindest, best person in the world, not a leech. Sometimes, I think about telling him that I have this blog. But then the prospect of what could come after he reads it is too scary for me to acknowledge. The prospect of anyone reading this that actually knows me is too much of a hassle. There will be questions. And, circling back, there will be worries and wasted time.

This is helping. This is helping. I am saying what I want to say without fear of being overheard, and it is helping.

[thecreationofevelyn]

7/2/2023

Who I want to become vs who I currently am.

The past two days have felt like an absolute battle in my mind, I'm so angry at myself and have been constantly condemning myself for "failing". I've been practicing being kinder to myself but I'm beginning to struggle when I see myself having made choices and still actively making choices that go against my own benefit and ultimately land me in waters where I feel anxious, worried, overwhelmed and have my motivation knocked out of me because I slip into the "well, what's the point now?!" mindset, I just get mad at myself for being "pathetic". It is all extremely human of me.

Sometimes I forget that is what I am, a human being...just trying and learning. I give this compassion to everyone else but I struggle to offer it to myself; I expect myself to have everything figured out and to be able to do everything all at once, constantly, and have done it perfectly. If I lose my motivation, if I make a poor choice, if I can't find the energy to make myself do something, I then start punishing myself mentally, asking myself why I'm like this, why can't I just be more disciplined and loyal to who I envision for myself, how do I expect myself to do anything if I carry on like this? When will I realize I need to put the effort in if I want these results? etc etc, etc.

I have missed an assignment for university, realistically I can contact student support and ask for an exceptional circumstances form and be granted the opportunity to hand this assignment in at a later date, they are aware that I struggle with bouts of poor mental health already. But I feel like the fact that I couldn't keep up, that I couldn't get the piece done on time, that I'm actually nowhere near done with it, means I'm a complete loser.

I've also put more weight on than I'm happy with, I naturally have a fast metabolism so really I should be thankful I've only put on what I have because it's also taken years for me to put it on, but I can't stop punishing myself for choosing to eat a poor diet and not exercise properly, for taking advantage of having a fast metabolism in the first place; I'm even angrier at myself for the money I have wasted on fast food that doesn't even taste nice, all for the convenience because at the end of so many days, after working, being a mom, a carer, a uni student, learning to drive, taking an English course and being the only adult in my house, I didn't have the energy or motivation to cook all the time.

And I am angry at my sleeping habits, it's currently gone 2am and I'm sitting in bed writing this, knowing damn well I'm going to be exhausted in the morning. I'm sick of opening my eyes and the first wave of feeling I have is dread. Did I miss my alarm? Has the bus arrived yet? Have I missed the start of the day? Have I failed before my eyes even opened?!

Honestly, I cannot take this feeling anymore, I'm so sick and tired of being this person.

But I am trying, and it's little steps but I'm still kicking myself for the steps I missed.

Some positives; I joined a dance class to socialize and exercise plus I joined a drama group, but I won't be meeting with them until next week as they are currently running a production. I planned a diet and have begun it, I've made a playlist of exercise routines and have planned out time in the day to go for walks. I bought herbal tea that helps you sleep and began using a weighted eye mask too, I'm setting THREE loud alarms to go off all at the same time! Tomorrow I will contact student support to put what I need in place too.

I feel like I'm climbing a mountain in flip-flops all the time, and the moment I slip, I'm furious at myself for not being apparently capable enough. Sometimes I think I'm being too harsh on myself and other times I don't think I'm harsh enough to myself. I think I let myself get away with everything.

I need to realize that I cannot entirely change my habits and lifestyle overnight, but I also have to realize that I cannot stop trying to do better because I slipped up on a part; I'm rarely ever in a grey zone even when I'm aware of there being one, I always think in black and white, which doesn't work for real life! Writing like this helps me get my thoughts down though and helps me rationalize where my brain is being extremist which it is inclined to do more often than not.

Goodnight xo

[noosesurroundsme]

I hate feeling like this. Irritated everyday. I'm just an angry bitch. Hormonal angry bitch. It's frustrating. Even if everyone knew how I felt and what he did to me, I'm still just the angry bitch. Men are the fucking same.

Somehow I'm the one feeling bad. Yesterday someone from another store came in and kept bothering me about how I looked like something was wrong and kept pushing my buttons so to be funny I scratched my nose with my middle finger. I hate when people keep asking what's wrong and you tell them nothing, and they keep pushing to the point it becomes frustrating. I don't like airing my feelings to people so to get him off my case I did the middle finger thing and he knows me we'll enough that I'm sarcastic and he still took it personally. "Well someone's cranky today." "Tori seem cranky today too you?" The coworker who had no business saying we're doing just fine, said I seemed fine with him. No fucking place to say anything about how I may or may not feel, especially with him.

It's so irritating and infuriating every day to have to act like I'm fine so nothing happens. I am constantly caught between my blood boiling and wanting to call him out for what he did to me but knowing that won't solve anything because all the guys will see it as my fault, and wanting to go to the bathroom to cry and cut. It's draining. I'm exhausted. I'm so sick of feeling how I feel. No one understands it. He certainly doesn't. He doesn't understand why I would be angry with him at work, so I yelled, "you don't understand? You are the one who touched me at work without even asking me how I felt. I have to live with that." He texted me after work saying he's not mad at me. He had no idea that it still bothered me. He thought we moved past it. HE THOUGHT ALL WAS FINE. FINE. ITS ALL FINE. I want to know how he can be so oblivious. Is this gaslighting? Because that's how I feel. I have been biting my tongue for months. Trying to avoid him. Talking to him the least amount possible. How CAN YOU TELL ME THAT YOU THOUGHT WE MOVED PAST IT WHEN YOU ARE THE ONE WHO ASSULTED ME IN THE WORKPLACE. YOUR OPINION OF HOW I FELT SHOULD BE IN QUESTION BECAUSE YOH THOUGHT MY PLATONIC FEELINGS AND MY ASEXUAL SELF HAD ANY FEELINGS FOR YOU. You didn't even bother to ask me. You started feeling under my bra. You started feeling under my underwear. You put your hands under my MANY LAYERS. I am simply trying to work with you because I care too much about my bosses sanity over my own. I'm the one not eating. Every day I have to deal with it. I am trying so hard to let it go but I am becoming more bitter, more angry, more depressed, more anxious. I RELAPSED ON OVER A YEAR OF NOT CUTTING BECAUSE KF YOU. The one victory I had made got taken away. Everyone at work gets to call me names because to them I'm just a hormonal angry bitch who needs to be fired. I am losing my sanity. I'm losing the respect of everyone around me. My mental health is in the toilet. I can't even get out of bed anymore. But we've moved past it.

I'm just sick of it. My friend told me last night when she stopped by to stop minimizing how I feel. I can't. Why do I feel so guilty for just existing in my workplace or in any space. I just want to live my life but I feel like a magnet to shitty people who take advantage of me. I put up so many walls to keep myself from being hurt by people and being vulnerable but somehow they still find a way to take advantage of my presence. This is why I don't like people. This is why I don't have friends. I have to wall off my entire life into my room, my Camaro, this fucking hellsite. I can't trust anyone. Do little and go nowhere to have any kind of fun time because I'm too afraid something will happen to me. I can't even go to work. I can't go to the bank since last year without checking my mirrors, turning the music off, and locking my doors at the ATM. I don't enjoy any activity where there are people. I don't go shopping even though I need clothes and makeup refills because I am constantly looking over my shoulder. I haven't had a good femme day in such a long time. I would give anything to be able to have a good day where I can put some makeup on, wear a cute outfit and bum around shopping but I don't allow myself to do any of it unless someone is with me. I can't keep living like this. I'm so fucking exhausted.

[roamwithahungryheart]

Hi! So I was kinda hoping you or anyone else reading this can help me understand this.

I keep hearing about how Amber and Johnny abused each other and because of that it was "mutual abuse" and he hit her and vice versa (which I don't believe because mutual abuse imo is a myth and people have already confirmed Johnny never hit her) but people keep saying they were toxic to each other and therefore it was both their fault.

Apparently the reasoning for that is because their marriage counselor Dr. Anderson testified that they had a toxic relationship and Amber would tell her that she hit Johnny in self defense and so on. But I've seen the video depo and as some people have pointed out, the therapist doesn't even know why she wrote some of the notes down and would only hear Amber's side of the story. She also mentioned she would never let Johnny get a word in during the sessions and he was far more open when it was just him. Here's what I'm talking about: https: //youtu.be/ lxWQz-EhZcU

Idk I'm just so sick of people saying it was "mutal abuse" and that they were both toxic people when we all know who was the real toxic person. This counselor just frustrates me and isn't as credible as Dr. Curry. Any thoughts?

Hi Anon!

I totally agree, 'mutual abuse' absolutely does not exist, and there are so many publications and online articles leaning on that concept, which is just plain wrong.

Over those six weeks, it was - and for some former AH supporters, it became - clear that AH was the aggressor. There's a huge difference in the concept of 'mutual abuse' and reactionary violence. That's the only thing Johnny ever did that could be considered 'violent' - push her off of him. He never fought back physically, only verbally, with the exception of that one time.

I've touched on this before, but IMHO the correct term for their relationship is mutually toxic. What you had was two troubled people, troubled for different reasons. AH is clearly a very unwell woman, and an abusive partner who I'm afraid may be beyond help, much as many abusers often are by the time it becomes recognized. Johnny was a toxic partner purely because he had toxic habits which he was getting help for. Substance abuse creates behaviors that are less than pleasant, but that NEVER made him abusive. As he himself said, 'the only person I've ever abused is myself'. And that's the truly sad part. A gentle, kind man who was going through something shitty got taken advantage of, and ended up being put through six further years of hell because she just can't let him go.

[verobatto]

Destiel Chronicles

Vol. LXXXIX

It was a love story from the very beginning

"You, me... And Sam."

Hello my friends!!! How are you? I feel much better now thanks to all your asks and your memes and your cracks, I adore them all!

Okay, putting that to a side, and still dreaming about how Jensen will give us the ending we all deserve, let's continue with this analysis, because is time to talk about the mixtape.

From butterflies in the stomach and Foreshadows of the new God

When the episode starts, there's a hint of what Jack's mission is. But coming out from Dagon's mouth, it became like a real bad future.

Dagon: Yeah. And he's not gonna stop there. Every sad, weak human, every tight-ass angel, every sniveling demon they'll all be consumed. So go ahead. Play your games. But whether you're healthy or sick, filthy or clean, He will be born. Good times.

Is almost the contrary to what Jack will actually do for the world. He will consume but it will be Chuck's powers until the last drop of it. And against Dagon's speech, he will save each demon and angel and restore everything.

Now, let's talk about CAS coming back to the bunker...

Gif credit @godshipsit

I think his face is saying everything here. The one entering in the bunker after go MIA, was Cas', so, Dean's face is scandalous.

Imagine that suddenly your disappeared crush enters through the door without previous announcement. Of cour we can read the bumping heart allnover Dean's cheek, his eyes went wide, in surprise. 'Is CAS!'

He was so worried this whole time, thinking the worst could happen to him, and now CAS is there, alive.

But his reaction to it will be completely different to Sam's reaction. This was settled to make us see the difference between how a friend would react and how a lover would react. Blatant.

Sam: Hey. You're all right. Um – Where have you been?

Sam is asking as a friend, but Dean, Dean doesn't...

Dean: Let me rephrase that for Sam. Where the hell have you been? And why have you ignored our phone calls?

Okay, let's just stop here, this is the way a wife will ask her husband. But because we are talking about Dean, we can see his shield. His shield is US/WE, his shield is SAM, because he wants to drag his brother into the feeling of being desperately worried. Because recognize that DEAN WAS THE ONLY ONE ALMOAT LOOSING HIS HEAD TRYING TO KNOW IF CAS WAS ALIVE OR WHWRE HE WAS IA SHOWING WEAKNESS, IS SHOWING HIS TRUE FEELINGS FOR THE ANGEL. So, the theme of the I/ME vs the WE/US is perfectly written all over this episode.

Castiel: Where I was, the – the reception was, uh, poor.

Dean: No bars? No bars. That's his excuse. Wow.

Castiel: I was in Heaven. I was working with the angels. When I saw Dagon had captured Kelly, I-I thought they could help.

Okay Castiel is proving he is lying by himself here, because he said first he had not signal, and now, he heard one of the so many voice mails Dean had left in his phone.

Sam: And?

Castiel: Nothing.

Sam: Well, at least you're back. We're glad you're back

And be prepared again for the difference between the friend and the JILTED lover.

Dean: Really? No, I'm sorry. Okay, 'cause while you were striking out in Heaven, we had a shot at Dagon, and we lost.

Maybe Dean was waiting Sam to second him in his anger. But it was only in Dean's heart, the deception, and the recalling of so many days be worried about CAS. Because that's what romantic love makes you be.

Castiel: I know. I received your messages.

This was like a bomb for Dean...

Dean: Oh, you did – you did receive the messages? Okay, that's good.

Sarcasm...

Castiel: Dean.

Gif credit @starlightcastiel

Dean can't handle the pain in his heart of being rejected and ignored by Castiel, so he searches for his shield again: We/Us/Sam and me.

Dean: So not only were you ditching us, but you were also ignoring us? That's great. 'Cause we really could've used the backup. But, uh, you were too busy with, um (Clicks tongue) What was it? Nothing?

Castiel: Dean, I –

Dean: What the hell is wrong with you, man? You know, whatever. That's (Chuckles) Yeah. Welcome back. (walks away)

Dean is so mad with CAS. And is blatant that his reaction is totally different to Sam's.

The Mixtape as a way to reciprocate Castiel's confession, and the desperate attempt to make CAS to stay by his side.

Okay, we are now in the scene. I'm sure this scene had been dissected by many meta writers. I won't say new things, but i will point a little to their body languages.

Okay, the scene starts with Castiel knocking at Dean's door to give him back the mixtape, so jus aknowledged there that Dean gave CAS a freaking mixtape, which doesn't have another meaning that ROMANTIC. But we can assume Castiel doesn't get this human's customaries, also, we can assume he does, because boop culture that Metatron out at once in his head... So...

After Dean, without looking at him, because he is mad and now he has to handle this angel lack of knowledge about WHAT GIFTING A MIXTAPE MEANS, he said "It's a gift, you keep those."

And Castiel gets nervous.

Gif credit @stardustcas

The swallow and the way he opens his mouth again to breathe and maybe to say something else, but he stopped himself. Castiel is nervous. I thought at first because he has to find the Colt, and he knew Dean kept it in his room. But we know now that it wasn't just that. He was flustered because the intimacy of the situation with the man he loves.

Castiel looks around before attempting to leave, maybe searching for the Colt, but then Dean starts talking:

Dean: Cas, you can't – With everything that's going on, you can't just go dark like that. We didn't know what happened to you. We were worried. That's not okay.

And in the middle of the intimate scene, awkward moment, Dean needs his shield more than never.

Castiel: Well, I didn't mean to add to your distress. I – Dean, I just keep failing. Again and again. When you were taken, I searched for months and I couldn't find you. And then Kelly escaped on my watch, and I couldn't find her. And I just wanted I needed to come back here with a win for you. For myself.

This speech is so important, because it shows how depressed Castiel felt, how uneasy. How unworthy. He needed to be useful. So he decided to start alone this dangerous journey that will end in his death. He also mentions the win. Because he didn't know he will be always Dean's win, as we will see in episode 13x06 when CAS comes back to Dean alive.

After they talk about Dragon, and Cas' asks if Sam and Dean are willing to kill an innocent, because that's dirty work, that's the mission CAS had taken in his own shoulders, Dean says this...

Dean: We will find a better way.

Castiel: You mean, we?

Gif set credit @deanwinchestrs

Cas points at Dean with the mixtape, because he wants to clarify if Dean is referring to them, to JUST CAS AND DEAN. YOU AND ME. THE TWO OF US. And Dean is now the flustered one. Look at Dean's face, being in just one spot, recognizing that the shield can be broken, that he is talking about CAS and him. Is too intimate. Too different. So his face is burning. And even so, the words are out. 'Yes, dumbass, we.'

What was this? This was an attempt coming from Castiel to get to know Dean's feelings. Pointing with the mixtape to just Dean and him. Not Sam here. Not shield. And Dean goes for it. Goes for that WE: YOU AND ME.

But then, Dean backtraks

Gif set credit @stardustcas

He starts explaining the WE, avoiding Castiel's gaze, he goes... 'You, me...' and then he tilts his head, and adds the shield back again: 'and Sam.'

The second gif is showing Dean backtracking, Because is too intimate, is too risky, he is standing on the edge between friendship and something else. He can't cross that line. Mostly because he is not sure about Castiel's feelings for him, and more now, after seeing how CAS ignored him for so long. Dean is like:

"What am I doing? Let's mention Sam here, and turn this into no homo conversation."

But the nervousness is all over the scene, i got nervous watching it because the awkward moment!

Gif set credit @stardustcas

More nervousness. Dean's flustered eyes. The swallowing. The attempt of staring into those blue eyes of the man he loves. (The butterflies in the stomach, the heart beating fast, the dry mouth) trying to make the conversation more normal, but their faces are loud.

Vas says he likes that and then Dean is more frustrated than never and his dry mouth is asking for a beer, or maybe he find a way out from the awkward moment, the gay moment. He needs to breathe. He almost let his guard down with this angel. And the desperate way to say STAY WITH ME. DON'T GO AWAY AGAIN. To his angel.

Castiel engages with a seductive look in the middle of the sexual tension

Sam: I mean, how did Cass even get the Colt out of the safe in the first place?

Dean drops his head. Sam raises an eyebrow

Sam Dean, you – you put the Colt back in the safe, right? Dean?

Dean: It was under my pillow. It – I like to keep it close. (Sighs) He came into my room and he played me.

Okay i can even explain the intimacy of this. Even if CAS didn't know about this and he just went searching all over Dean's room. Mention this after the huge scene full of romantic tension, has a meaning. Again: INTIMACY. And adding the "He played me" to all of this is another symbol way to show theme audience this was like that scene between the guy and his crush, in wich his crush takes advantage of it and plays him by stealing something from him. Yes.

Finally, when they find CAS... This scene...

Gif credit @stardustcas

Dean is mad, very mad at him. Because Castiel really played him. But... Look at the scene. Look at Castiel's gaze: PURE SEDUCTION. He maybe is aware of the effect he causes on Dean. And after the mixtape scene, he goes for it. Seduction as if they were in their first seasons together. And Dean is muted, and stares at him, then checks him out, and they're in their own sexual tension world, until Sam calls him. But he has to calls him twice because his brother is too embedded into Castiel's hot behavior.

But don't forget Dean is mad at him. So now, is Dean the one playing around with CAS. Throwing the keys at him and making him almost loose his stability to reach them.

Closing the circle

When Dean and Sam reach Castiel again in the middle of a battle with Dragon, Dean's desperation when Dagon is about to smite Castiel is high level.

But then Jack saves the day, not just showing CAS the future (the ending of season 15) but also, Jack gave him powers to finish Dagon.

Then, the scene in wich Castiel heals Dean is full of intimacy again. The lingerie touch, rubbing fingers. Because Dean is moving his hand slowly away from CAS touch but he ended by letting his hand to feel Castiel's rubbing his fingers. To let Castiel to heal him.

And then, CAS is gone again.

To Conclude:

12x19: The Future has Destiel all over it. Dean mad at him, reaching the level of a JILTED lover. Dean way to protect himself from another rejection using the WE/US/SAM shield. Just because he can't handle it. The doubts about Cas' feelings, and the way the angel always find to go MIA, makes his heart stutter.

The mixtape scene is one of the most emblematic. The nervousness is all over their faces, and Misha and Jensen transmite perfectly the romantic tension between the two characters and goes straight to our hearts, making us feel awkward and flustered too.

Hope you like this meta. See you in the next one!

Tagging @magnificent-winged-beast @emblue-sparks @weird-dorky-little-d @michyribeiro @whyjm @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @dea-stiel @poorreputation @bre95611 @thewolfathedoor @charlottemanchmal @neii3n @deathswaywardson @followyourenergy @dean-is-bi-till-i-die @hekatelilith-blog @avidbkwrm @anarchiana @dickpuncher365 @vampyrosa @authorsararayne @mybonsai1976 @love-neve-dies @dustythewind @wayward-winchester67 @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @deeutdutdutdoh @destiel-shipper-11 @larrem88 @charmedbycastiel @ran-savant @little-crazy-misha-minion @samoosetheshipper

@shadows-and-padlocked-hearts @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @nerditoutwithbooks @mikennacac73 @justmeand-myinsight @idontwantpeopletoknowmyname @teddybeardoctor @pepevons @helevetica @isthisdestiel @dizzypinwheel @jawnlockwinchester @horsez2 @qanelyytha

@destielle @agusvedder @spnsmile @shippsblog @robot-feels @superlock-in-the-tardis @superduckbatrebel @2musiclover2 @madronasky @anon-non2 @cea1996

If you want to be added or removed from this list, just let me know.

If you wanna read the previous metas from season 12, here you have the links:

Vol. LXXV, LXXVI, LXXVII, LXXVIII, LXXIX, LXXIX, LXXX, LXXXI, LXXXII, LXXXIII, LXXXIV, LXXXV, LXXXVI, LXXXVII, LXXXVIII.

Buenos Aires, November 24th 2020, 9:36 PM

[vale-studies-ir]

Hello lovely people!

It seems that life made me take a leave of absence from tumblr. Thanks to all of you who have continued to interact with my page! I'm sorry if I've missed any messages or questions in the time that I've been away. I'm back now and I'll continue to share my journey with you all...

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In order to be able to keep moving forward, I think it's important to accept the past and move on. Accept any of the difficulties that happened, and see them as moments you've gone through that have made you stronger. My way of accepting and turning over a new page will be through this post.

I haven't shared too much information about my studies and how they've been going. My studyblr was very new, and I was using it more as a means for motivation by seeing all the wonderful things people in the community were doing. Little by little, I started to make posts of my own.

So let me formally introduce myself and share my ongoing journey...

My name is Valentina, I go by Vale for short. I jumped from graduating from my BA in International Relations and Political Science in the Spring of 2018 to starting my PhD studies in International Relations the Fall semester of that same year. No break, very smart... I know. That's only just the beginning. I'm not sure how it works abroad, but here doctoral students usually go through most of their studies being funded by a graduate assistantship. This pays tuition and provides a stipend through working as a TA (graduate teaching assistant). Of course they vary across universities and departments. When I was applying to the PhD program, one of my professors advised me not to accept if I was not given funding. There are only a limited number of spots that are given to incoming students each year that will be accepted as a TA.

In March of 2018 I received notification that I was accepted into the PhD program in International Relations at my university, however, the department could not guarantee funding for me. This put me at a loss, and I spend months wondering where this was going and what I would do. Because I'm an immigrant in the US, though I've been living here practically my whole life, I didn't have too many options. My mobility is constrained.. my access to scholarships is constrained (even though I may qualify for them in terms of academics and merit, migration status trumps over all of it). I was lost, to say the least. My family can't afford to have paid for this program or a Master's program out of pocket, and I am not able to take out student loans even if I wanted to.

Regardless of this all, I still attended the incoming graduate student orientation; which surprised the outgoing graduate program director. She did not think I would show up, considering the whole funding predicament. She and the new GPD told me that they would try to find something for me. On the first day of class, I showed up, still not knowing what would become of this situation. Not knowing if I would actually get to start the semester or not. We are usually given a week to pay tuition - because of status, I am considered an international student so my tuition came out to nearly $10,000 for three courses. That day, out of nowhere, I was told that the dean of our school (School of International and Public Affairs) was looking for a graduate assistant for new projects that he wanted to work on. In the span of a few hours, I ended up interviewing with him, being told that they would let me know because there was another student they were considering, and later being called and told that I got the position. I was ecstatic. I called my parents in tears. This was actually happening; I was actually going to be able to start my PhD.

It all happened so fast. It all seemed so exciting. The dean seemed very enthusiastic and pleased that I would be working with him. Things eventually took a turn for the worst...

Transitioning into graduate school itself is extremely difficult. Many graduate students find themselves experiencing heightened stress and strain on their mental health. I did not give myself the space to transition into graduate school without the added stress of being a doctoral student, without the added expectations. On top of that, the dean had not had a graduate assistant before. This was new for him too. The expectations of me were blurred and my contract would only last for a year to be considered for possible renewal (the typical TA contract in my original department lasts 4 years), this led to disaster. I needed this position to continue to fund my studies, so I needed to make sure that I was on top of my work expectations. Because these expectations were unclear, the dean's secretary took advantage. It seems they were short staffed, and I was given administrative tasks that did not belong to me. I was made to come in to the office for strictly 20 hours a week. (Our contract states that we work up to 20 hours a week). If I was ever sick and missed a day, that would be added onto the hours for the next week. So if I missed a day where I was supposed to be in the office for 5 hours, I'd have to be there for 25 hours the following week. A breach in the contract, I know - but who was I, a lowly student, against the dean? This office (a shared space) was not a place where a person could focus on studying. There were students coming in and out, loud conversations occurring, and having to see if the actual student employee in charge of taking phone calls was at their desk - if not, I would have to man the phone. While I was doing administrative tasks for the dean's secretary, the dean was having me create themed presentations and CO-LECTURE with him. Me, a person who had been an undergraduate student only months earlier. I had to create these presentations from scratch and know all of the material. All of my focus had to be on this. My performance in my own classes and mental health declined quickly. I could not focus, I could not get my reading assignments done, I felt unprepared. I felt like a failure.

After a year, I realized that it was not worth to have my tuition paid for if I could not focus on my classes and was set up for failure. It took a lot, but ultimately I turned down the contract renewal. Here comes the fun part. My GPA dropped tremendously. I graduated Magna Cume Laude just a year before. I developed depression and didn't realize it; to the point where a friend practically made me go to counseling. The office manager at my actual department knew what I was going through. I had shared a lot of my experience with her. She advocated for me. Because of this, I was told that there was a student who had been awarded an assistantship for the incoming Fall 2019 semester, but had decided not to take it. The contract was going to be made for me instead, for not 4 but for 5 years since I had only come in with a BA degree. When they ran it through the associate dean's office... it was denied. My GPA was lower than the threshold. A LOT lower. I was told by the GPD - the same woman who had just started her position that said she would help me, the woman that had gone on maternity leave during that whole year after she started meaning she was not aware of the situation - that I should really take my studies more seriously. She received a very long email from me and apologized afterwards, to say the least. Nothing could be done.

I had no funding, only savings and ended up working Full Time in Fall of 2019 in order to try to pay for 1 course, that costed me a little over $3,000. Somehow, even though I strongly considered it, I managed not to drop out. By this time, the majority of the courses I had taken before had INs - incomplete grades. Two of them had automatically turned into Fs. Things were not okay.

I got a bit of a mental break during that Fall semester. I worked in a friendly environment. The office manager pulled some strings and let me work as an office assistant there... so I was still at my department, but working as staff. It was a little awkward. I'm eternally grateful to her, she became a close friend. And because of her, someone at another department got word that there was a graduate student who needed funding.

This office manager was good friends with a recently graduated phd student from our department who is now working for a different center in the university. Because she was part of my department, many of my current colleagues know her, and are good friends with her. We spoke, I rushed to get my GPA up to the 3.0 threshold and with the help of my professor's I was able to be awarded an assistantship with that center. I started in December of 2019.

Again, I was ecstatic. Things were looking up. When I went in for the first time, I immediately felt a huge difference. It was a smaller, more homey place; and a lovely environment to be in. The people there were sweet and caring. I've gotten along with the few professors I've had the chance of meeting and working with.

Where did it start going downhill? The professor that recommended me (graduate from my home department) continuously requested that I work with her. Her reason being that I got along better with her (something that I was not aware of). Because she considered herself as my friend, professional lines were horribly blurred. I found myself doing additional work for her as a "favor for a friend." She then started having us meet multiple times a week for hours - distracting from the time I needed to actually get work done. This center does not cap classes - I've had to grade for up to 400 students in one semester. The meetings she scheduled were incredibly unproductive, and I found myself having to take extra time to get the grading done. Again, my own studies were effected. The past academic year went on like this. I ended up assisting in creating a new course and new assignments from scratch.

Later I noticed that something was wrong. I was doing way more work than stipulated by my contract. She was giving me access to her courses that I was not assigned to grade for. Instead of assisting for one course in the semester (the one with the highest enrollment), I was assisting for three. This was constantly under the guise of 'friendship'. How was I supposed to reject my 'friend'? When I tried to draw professional boundaries, I was met with resistance.

My mental health declined again in the fall and I missed a few of her scheduled meetings (meetings which she said were NOT mandatory). Because of this, she decided to throw me under the bus with the director and making it seem as if I was not actually working - when I was addressing students' needs and getting grades in. This worsened in the Spring. With the help of my counselor I finally got the courage to communicate with her. Albeit through text, because she's the type of person that does not allow you to get a word in during conversation.

"On that note, there’s something I’ve wanted to talk about. I’ve been struggling with concentration and fatigue. This is something that I’ve been working on with my doctor to try to find solutions. I’ve noticed that being in Zoom meetings in general where there’s casual conversation makes it exceptionally difficult for me to focus on what I’m trying to get done. This has been problematic in the work zoom meetings. You probably have noticed I seem really quiet, that is because I’m trying my hardest to focus.

I need to be able to focus during the time I’m assigned to work as a GA. Otherwise, I must take more time to complete tasks that normally wouldn’t take up that long or just wait until the weekends to finish them. That is conflicting as I have set that time to work on class assignments and my own projects. So in the end I end up falling behind and not working well because my productivity levels are being affected."

She seemed to understand me and be supportive. Then I noticed coldness, and condescending passive aggressive texts from her part.

I realized that I could not do this any longer. I could not allow myself to continuously be taken advantage of. Both of the people I've worked for were aware of my vulnerable situation due to migration status. They both knew that it was not easy for me to pay for my studies through any other means. My studies depended on these people, and if they 'liked' me. They abused and absorbed my time to the extent that my studies suffered tremendously.

But I finally stood up for myself. I spoke with the director and she affirmed that my concerns were valid. Time and time again she assured me that my studies should always come first. She supported me. I will no longer be assigned to work with this person.

I finally feel heard.

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It's been 3 years since I started my program. A lot has happened in this time. I have a lot of catching up to do this summer if I want to stay on track and take my comprehensive exams by the end of the year. But someone finally heard me, acknowledged the wrongdoings and helped me.

Don't let people walk over you and take advantage of you. I'm learning this the hard way.

Speak your truth.