#I'm so tired honestly like the sort of shit people say sometimes

[random-potat]

˚₊ ˚ ‧₊ heads up

pairings: ni-ki x reader ft. danielle of new jeans and mentions of jake

synopsis: sometimes getting hit on the head by a baseball can be something to bond over.

word count: 1063

warnings: mild swearing, poor attempts at humour

a/n: as somebody who has always been hit in the face by a sports ball growing up, hopefully this is a meet cute that can actually happen to me but thats probably still unrealistic lol. anyways here's a short little ni-ki oneshot!! i still dont know how i feel about it but its good enough ε-(ｰдｰ) will most likely be posting my jongseob smau soon so that will be my main focus :)) so oneshots may not be posted as often cause this writer cannot multitask :p

Sitting in class, you continuously check your phone, counting down the time until class ends. 

You feel a nudge on your shoulder, waking you up from your daze. Turning to the person beside you, Danielle whispers to you. “Mr. Hong may be smart and nice, but why does his voice have to be so gentle?” She puts her head down on the desk. "Like, it makes me sooo sleepy.”

"Agreed,” you say as you check your phone again for what seems like the 127th time.

“Why do you keep checking your phone? You got a hot date?” Dani teases.

You roll your eyes and respond, “I wish. More like a date to the dentist. Have to leave as soon as class ends, or else I'll have to wait thirty minutes for the next train.”

"Well, that sucks,"  Dani sighs. "Honestly, knowing you, you may not be able to make it considering how slow you run.”

You slapped her arm. “Hey! So not true. I’m just preserving energy.”

“Mmhm. Sure.”

Five minutes before class ends, you start to pack your things, getting ready to dash outside the classroom.

As the bell rings, you quickly run down the stairs, saying a quick goodbye to Dani as well as Mr. Hong. You couldn’t really care as people gave you odd looks for rushing towards the train station; some people may have thought that you just really needed to take a shit.

On the way to the train station, you have to pass by the sports field. Being completely unaware of your surroundings, you fail to hear someone shout toward you.

“Hey! Heads up!”

All of a sudden, a hard object hits you square on the side of your head, making you lose balance and fall to the ground. 

Aware of your position on the ground, a wave of embarrassment took over. You lay there for a bit, not wanting to make eye contact with the people around you. “Not gonna lie, you would think somebody would come and ask me if I’m alright,” you thought.

As you start to get up from the ground, the sound of footsteps can be heard running towards you.

"Hey, are you okay?” A tired yet deep and husky voice says

You look up from your position, seeing a boy around your age with a baseball mitt around his hand. “Why is this man so freaking tall?”

You watch as he mouths words, but no actual sound is coming out of those plumped, nevertheless sort of chapped lips.

He shakes your shoulder lightly. “Excuse me, are you okay?”

You shake your head, getting out of your daze, although that may have been a mistake, seeing that it made you more dizzy.

The boy reaches his hand out, and you grab them as he hoists you back up.

“I’m so sorry, that was quite a hit; it must’ve hurt,” he starts. “Normally Jake has better aim, and when he doesn't, I can normally catch it,” he says as he scratches the nape of his neck.

“It’s completely fine; it totally doesn’t hurt at all.” You respond nonchalantly. 

“Do you want some ice? I can get someone to get you some," he says as he grabs your hand and pulls you towards the practice field. “Here, just come sit on the bench and I’ll grab you some ice,” he says as he ushers a team member to get some ice.

“No, no, it's okay. I'm good. Kind of running late for something anyway, plus it really doesn't hurt.” You attempt to stand up.

The boy gently pushes you back on the bench. "Look, I'm sure whatever you have to do can wait, cause even if you say it doesn't hurt, the side of your head is definitely saying something else.”

You reach up to where the ball hit you, feeling a swollen bump starting to form. “Fine, you can give me ice, but after that, I'll be on my way to the station.”

He gives you a stern look. “Um, no, we still have to go with the standard precautions. You could have a concussion right now.”

"Look, I'm sure if I had one, I would know.”

“No, you're staying here. Practice ends in fifteen minutes anyway. So stay put.” He hands you a plastic bag of ice that his teammate got.

Being left with no choice, you watch as he runs to the center of the field. Watching as he throws and catches the ball around.

Not really knowing anything about baseball, you plug your earbuds in and slowly close your eyes to rest. “I'm already late at this point; I might as well rest.”

Little did you know, resting your eyes caused a little misunderstanding with the boy that had helped you. As he practiced, he took small glances at you every now and then. Seeing your eyes start to close caused him to immediately think you were about to faint.

Worried that you just became unconscious, the boy was unaware of the baseball that was being thrown towards him.

With history repeating itself, the boy fell face flat to the ground, a swollen bump starting to form on his head.

Waking up from your quick nap, you look beside you to see the same boy holding an ice pack on his head, similar to you.

“What the hell just happened?” You questioned.

“You know it turns out Jake over there really does have bad aim,” he jokes. “Or maybe I was just a teensy bit worried about you.”

“Worried about what?”

He explains, "Well, you closed your eyes; I thought you had fainted.” 

"Well, I didn't.”

He sighs. “Yeah, I can see that now.”

The two of you guys sat there with an awkward silence surrounding you. Feeling a bit better, you decide to grab your things, turning toward the boy beside you.

“You know, I never got your name. It would be nice to know who my hero is.”

“I'm Nishimura Riki, but people just call me Ni-ki. You?”

“I'm YN. Nice to meet you, Ni-ki, and thanks for helping me.”

He smiles, “Anytime.”

As you begin to turn away, a faraway voice can be heard.

“Hey! Heads up!”

You turn around and see Ni-ki in front of you with a baseball in his hand.

He screams towards his teammate, “You know Jake, you really do have shit aim!”

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[auspicioustidings]

Hello there I have another questionable idea 😁

So 141 confusing reader home for a safe house and breaking in and the sleep deprived nurse reader is just like 😐 and patches them up cos they are hurt and that’s the start of an very interesting relationship

Thank you for everything you are doing and remember that you are amazing

Drink water not coffee

🎃anon

Pumpkin! Ohh so this is similar vibes to this which I never wrote because sometimes I love a concept but am rubbish with execution :')

I have, however, tried my best to give you a little bit of your ask <3

Hippocratic Oath

Words: 550

Nah, for real if someone was breaking in you didn't care but they could at least be fucking quiet about it so you could go back to sleep. You had not slept in an actual bed in fucking days, only catching what could barely be described as a nap in the cots at the hospital between emergencies. 

“Find a first aid kit, we need to get him stable!”

Oh come on. The people robbing you were injured? Stupid fucking hippocratic oath. Technically it said nothing about having to help people who had broken into your house, it just said you couldn't harm them. So if you laid here and ignored it then Apollo couldn't say shit. 

…God fucking damnit. You dragged yourself out of bed, honestly too tired to react to the gun pointed at you with anything but a withering look, and went to pull the first aid supplies from their place. 

“Who the fuck are you?”

“This is my house skull mask, who the fuck are you?”

There was a man with a mohawk bleeding all over your couch. You grumbled about that a little but dutifully knelt by him and started to cut the clothes around the problem area so you could clean it out and stitch him up. A heavy tactical vest was on the floor, leaving him in just a t-shirt. The other young man was pushing a wad of bandages to stem the bleeding. Good, he was doing a good job. 

Kyle looked at Price who only furrowed his eyebrows and nodded, giving him permission to follow your instructions. So that's what he did. 

“We get a bonnie medic with safehouses these days Captain? Cannae say I'm complaining.”

“Shush or you'll wind up biting your tongue off when I do the stitches” you said, prepping the needle and thread. 

You looked quickly around his get up, seeing he was wearing jeans with a belt and undoing it. 

“I've definitely seen a movie like this” the skull mask man said which you elected to ignore.

“Tell me more LT.”

You shoved the belt in the man's mouth and he took it between his teeth immediately. Not his first rodeo then. Made sense, they were probably soldiers. He was a model patient as you stitched him up, not squirming at all. 

Your focus overrode your exhaustion for long enough to give each of the others a once over, making sure there wasn't anything else serious you needed to treat. By the time you got to the last man, the one your patient had called Captain, you were completely dead on your feet and your eyes were starting to sting. 

“Thanks luv, c'mere.”

Being scooped up by some military man who had broken into your house really should have caused some sort of fight or flight response, but you had nothing else left to give. You were asleep before he even made it to the bedroom, putting you right back under the blankets. 

–

Your alarm never went off and you frantically called in to work to let them know you'd be there as soon as possible only to be told in no uncertain terms you were on leave for at least the next week. 

It was with some shock that you emerged from your room to find that dream wasn't as much of a dream as you thought.

“Let's have a little chat about the next week hm luv?”

Ah fuck.

[cupidscrule]

BLACK CAT

Leon X Fem! reader

P in V, smut

[ no tw, vanillaish idk ]

1.2k wrd

”Woah, woah, slow down” Leon chuckled as you started explaining another cool story to him.

Your relationship was like the definition of a black cat and a golden retriever. You always have so much energy and are nice to almost everyone. Leon on the other hand is a tough agent who doesn’t really enjoy showing much emotion. He’s pretty stern towards others— but his softspot for you is clear.

”Okay, i’m listening. Tell me” He said while you were walking together with your fingers interlocked.

"okay okay! So THEN after Fluttershy wrote an entire song, rainbow dash just decides to throw it out? Ugh she's such a bitch. Don't you agree? I mean her friend went through all the trouble to try and get them to win the battle of the bands but she's so selfish.." you said, going on about a children's movie. You loved cute things, hello kitty, my little pony, really anything a 12 year old girl would be obsessed with, wearing cute little outfits and rambling about pointless stuff. But hey it made you happy and Leon thought it was adorable

"Mhm, yeah, so selfish" Leon couldn’t help but chuckle a little about how into the movie she was. by now he knew EVERYTHING about these stupid colourful horses, rainbowdash, fluttershy, twilight, pinkie, apple jack, list goes on. Honestly from what he knew rarity seemed like the best- I mean she was a boss bitch.

He found the whole thing pretty amusing, you were just so excited about it and he’s glad you have stuff you're so.. passionate about

"I mean, it would probably get annoying if her friend just wasted all that effort right? " He said trying to show his interest in her story.

"exactly! Ugh finally you get it" you said smiling up to him, leaning closer into his side as you two walked down back home, it was a long day. Like REALLY long, you took Leon shopping, got your nails done, bought some new skirts, and a new album. All that sort of stuff, but y'know dragging Leon aside you cause someone had to carry the shit, you were gettin really close to the outside of your house, skipping beside Leon holding hands. Life was like a dream.

But the long day out had Leon pretty tired— he had to drag a lot of your stuff around and you insisted they go to multiple stores (you tried to be nice and let him pick something out but he was too tired and grumpy, I know right such a dick head?)

When you were about to arrive home, he looked at you as you skipped around excitedly and smiled softly. Despite what he’s put through, he can’t deny that he finds your behavior adorable.

He squeezed your hand and chuckled a little before you guys got in front of your door.

"Oo Leon tomorrow we should watch rainbow rocks, then you'll understand what I'm talking about better" you say giggling as you step into your house, taking off your little boots and walking away from Leon plopping your ass on the leather sofa, even if you were like if you gave a six year old crack mixed with sour gummy worms even you could get kinda tired. Right, ain't that surprising? Little princess bitch face getting tired, after crawling over Leon like a little kid and skipping everywhere, runnin, jumping, god doing everything known to fucken man kind

“don’t know if we’ll have the time because of..” Leon muttered under his breath, he didn’t want to upset you and ruin your mood when you’re so excited.

He walked over to the couch and sat beside you silently and just observed you as you started talking about the movie. He placed a hand over your thigh, brushing up and down just silently smiling hearing you decribe your weird ass fictional horse people argue with other creatures from mythology, honestly sometimes he wondered if you needed to be checked into a mental hospital. Little grippy sock princess

“Wellll, maybe we can watch it tomorrow..” He shrugged. “I mean, i’ll do anything you want” Leon chuckled looking over at you.

He wrapped his arm around you and pulled you closer to him, his body was pretty warm given how hot the day was and his arm was pretty comfortable.

He kissed you forehead before wrapping his other arm around you, squeezing you a little. You loved when he was affectionate, but not in a creepy way, a cute way. But after a long day a girl can get a bit needy, like sue me but when you have a hot ass man cradling you and taking you everywhere, GOD it's like an angel is sent from heaven to fuck you. But fuck you in a good homemade porno way, not one of thoes shitty ones with a whole plotline. Just straight raw fucking

You turn around, breaking his grip on you before climbing onto his lap, placing yourself onto his thigh "Woah Woah, calm down- y'know I'm tire-" he was trying to speak, silly men. You land a big fat kiss on his lips to shut him up, slowly moving yourself on his thigh, pulling away from him getting a breath, saliva dripping down your face like an animal, staring at him in the eyes, his face slightly shocked you made the first move. But you felt something perk up, bingo. Always know what can make your man want ya

"God I can't just stare at your handsome face and do nothing-" you mutter under your breath, pushing yourself closer into him, kissing his face like a big ol' dog, your free hand finding its way to his jean zipper, undoing it his fat dick springing up, he grabs you by your hips, pulling your panties aside, slapping you onto his cock, a groan coming from his lips, honestly didn't expect the day to end like this, went from talkin ponies to getting your brains fucked out. Like a good girl you ride him, his hands are placed on your hips moving you at a decent pase, bit fast but he did do A LOT of work today, guess he deserves it. Nothing else in the world matters right now, euphoric feeling, he thrusted up into you, taking one hand off your hip and grabbing your face, making you look at him, god his eyes make you MELT. He could take care of you, he was real nice with it. He groped your tits sometimes in public, but just made you love him more.

You're at your high, he knows that. Few more thrusts and you whine, feeling your body melt like butter, your weight collapses onto him, but he's not done practically druling on him, limp body he keeps fucken like a doll, if you still have a tight pussy thats all that matters, few moments and he finishes, pressing you down onto him, filling your cervix, still collapsed on him both of you breathen all heavy. "So babydoll, what happened next?" He groaned, a sly ass smirk on his face. "Mm that cunt rainbow got put in her place and they play fluttershys song" you mutter, pushing on his fat chest, rollin off him like a little kid, pussy dripping. His pants stained with you, and a heavy chest.

"I wanna-"

"No"

"Pleaseee"

[anonymouscheeses]

more obvious shit I wanted to point out but it's more than last time uhhh pt.2 (spoilers for dad beat dad and maybe welcome to heaven. Maybe?)

I love that Charlie just randomly goes into demon form sometimes like here ehhehehe. Also can I just say I love Charlie so much?? She is my favorite and I love her especially in this episode because it feels like the same optimistic Charlie but she was just put in a bad situation. I relate to her a bit TOO much, almost down to every detail like wow. You'll understand later once I get there. But just wow...

LOOK AT THIS FUNNY LITTLE MAN. SPOODER DUST <3 also. Live [image] reaction. Someone make that into a reaction image 🙏🙏

HONEY!!! NEW MEME TEMPLATE JUST DROPPED. (Aka the one guy going crazy trying to explain the stuff on the board iykyk)

OMG... THAT CANT BE CHARLIE... NOT CHARLIE'S EMO PHASE PLEASE BAHAHAHHAHAHA (also love that Lucifer has kept it all these years, if Charlie knew I think she'd be extremely embarrassed. Vaggie would love it probably xd)

HE IS SO GOOFY I CANT- I LOVE HIM SO MUCH ALREADY!!! NEED.

Broskie got character development and is NICE?!? I LOVE THAT SMMM YALL.... LOOK AT HIM!! I am very delusional yes, but I will take this over ass development(cough. Vaggie's "story" in ep 3. Cough).

Imagine this. *holds your hand carefully to help you calm down while talking to your father you haven't really wanted to talk to.* lesbian type stuff ngl 🤯 (relatable)

Angel looking at the gays while being a gay too. HE'S BEING SO KIND TO CHARLIE UGGHH I CANTTT!!(POS) NODDING HIS HEAD, SMILING TO HER, ALSO TRYING TO HELP CALM HER DOWN. I MAY BE ASS AT SOCIAL CUES BUT I NOTICED THIS ONE!! YAA

*SHE IS STILL HOLDING HER HAND. CHARLIE'S ALSO SWINGING IT AROUND NERVOUSLY. I can never get tired of them and will make art soon just you wait.*

COMMANDER VAGGIE! I love that she acts like this is a camp full of tiny kids and honestly? That's not too far off. Sir pentious is at the ready! (glad he's here more often in the episode, thought he would just get sidelined after his first episode but gladly no!) Angel is just surprised. Husk spilled his drink, ON WHITE FUR NO LESS! Niffty of course is on the floor face first. Charlie is just happy to be there yippee!

What is this?? I have no idea what the hell it is at all. Bro is just peepin- it doesn't look like Alastor, even in demon form. And... I can't think of anyone else who could be this. Anyone have ideas or maybe it's foreshadowing? Maybe it was revealed in the 6th episode I don't know I haven't watched it yet. (I am a freak. I don't binge I give myself a day to watch a single episode. Most of the time uhhh.)

WE LOVE A SHORT KING. I LOVE THAT. I LOVE HIM. THE EVERYTHING. HE IS EVERYTHING. LET ME STRANGLE HIM PLEASE. (Lillith and Lucifer's dynamic is 100% Gomez and Morticia but a little more silly short man)

"OH WOW! AN OLDER MAN WHO GIVES ME FATHERLY CARE!" *STARTS TO FUCKING CRY*

I FEEL YOU CHARLIE WAAAGHHH

Oh and there goes the silly guy again! Atp I'm thinking it may be the gal some people been talking about that they've been hinting since the pilot. I forgot her name but she's said to be the big bad of season 1 or probably 2. Not sure if that's what it's trying to imply but here's my little no-thought idea

Lucifer, no...

LUCIFER NO!! THIS IS SUCH AN ADORABLE RESPONSE TO CHARLIE DATING A WOMAN. (ADOPT ME)

AND THEN THE HUG! I GET IM LOOKING TOO MUCH INTO THIS ONE SILLY SCENE BUT I JUST LOVE IT SO MUCH AND WANT THIS SO BAD IN MY LIFE.

Niffty really said, "Yes, I do the cleaning."

Get yourself a taller king who is a short king but compared to you is a tall king

Say what you will, but I genuinely want more dad Alastor, someone make an au before I do plsss and @ me 🙏🙏

alright.. now this is where it starts to be relatable and hurt my heart... yayy.... needing any sort of parent figure that actually cares about you than the actual parent who is rarely there? WOWZA! SAME CHARLIE <3 <3 (SO FAR VERY ACCURATE FROM SOMEONE THAT IS IN THE SAME SITUATION)

Alastor is letting her off kindly, atleast in his way. He may be pissed off she brought a shark gang to the hotel and put it on fire, but they were still close friends. With anyone else he would absolutely either murder them or have severely traumatized the person. She's the exception, although I don't think he'd let it off the hook so easily if there were a next time.

A father-daughter embrace! :,)

(This is gonna be messy asf) He wants to know who she is as a person. He always has, and that's definitely obvious, but from a person inside this, they may not know themselves what the other is thinking. To Charlie it was like he never cared and just wanted an excuse to not see her again, acting like he was truly busy as in the start where he made the rubber duck that breathed fire. Sure. But Charlie saw it as him finding ways to not interact with her again. The only times they talk was when it was related to business stuff or other things of the sort. Let me just say this song... is by far my favorite, including the episode. Sure, it's got problems it's own, but this extremely accurate portrayal of what my own situation with one of my parents just stole my entire soul. Yeah I got a bit of tears about to come out, BUT NOPE! NOT TODAY! I don't ever cry during shows or movies so if I ever get teary-eyed, YOU DID SOMETHING. THAT SOMETHING BEING GOOD. This episode was emotional and connected with me on a deep level that I dont think any film has ever done to me, which is weird because I've been actively trying to find one, any one that does. Then to find it in an indie company from a creator who has achieved the dreams that I myself want to one day? That's fucking amazing.

FORESHADOWING! FROESHADOWING! FORESHADOWING! VAGGIE EX-ANGEL THEORY MUST BE CANON AND IF ITS NOT I WILL TEAR MYSELF LIMB FROM LIMB WITH A CROWBAR. LETS GO TO HEAVENNN!!! TOMORROW! BECAUSE THE DAY I PUBLISH THIS WILL BE TOMORROW(FOR YOU TODAY) BUT TOMORROW FOR YOU ILL POST THE NEXT WHAT I CAUGHT SHENANIGANS AGAIN! SEE YA!

[utilitycaster]

@disastergenius replied to your post “perhaps unpopular but while I do agree the EXU...”:

re: this party doesn't talk much; i think that narratively, fcg's death isn't the call for them to talk in the way that molly's was? Molly's death happened early and bc of molly, but it was the wake-up call the party needed while separated and to actually begin to work together. bh's have different problems and fcg's death wasn't a result of party but was fcg's decision. so it also makes sense that it's not bringing the group together or anything, it's just mourning

​So I think this is part of it but I also wanted to post this as a full response because I've been thinking a lot about this! In short...having experienced a death within a friend group, people respond in weird ways, and for the most part, with the caveat that this was a friend among my friends from college and she died when we were all adults in various different cities and therefore not necessarily closely in touch all the time, we did not have a big sit-down and go around talking about our feelings. It's much slower. And I've talked a lot with people who have experienced a death within a friend group that was closer. Sometimes the group falls apart dramatically. Sometimes it just drifts apart. Sometimes it's sort of a weird blank space no one knows how to deal with.

I found Ashton's behavior in particular to be really well done on Taliesin's part and deeply affecting. They're exhausted not just mechanically but emotionally, and they don't want to really talk to anyone, but they do very much want some kind of comfort that doesn't require a lot of effort and most importantly, they don't want to be alone. When I had to learn about the (Jewish) religious practices surrounding grief and mourning, one of the things they tell you about sitting shiva (and to be clear this is not unique to shiva, it's just that Judaism has very clear time delineations of the mourning process) is that sometimes you just go there and sit with someone who doesn't want to talk much. His reaction felt incredibly real and natural, is what I'm saying. Grief can be isolating and tiring and difficult to talk about.

It feels right for the others too. Like...we can talk about the rapid pacing but that's been the case for much of the campaign, and no, I didn't like the EXU decision but what's done is done. I think deciding to, as Chetney said in 92, "make it count" seems very natural. I do hope there are conversations in Zadash and/or Aeor but at this point "we're drunk and tired and aren't ready to really feel this", especially since in-world, everything might be over in a week or so, makes a lot of sense. I also think FCG's death has united the party at least in the sense of purpose, and I think some people just dislike that the purpose is "double down on the moon plot." I think at the very least we'll have to visit it when they tell Imahara Joe (and hopefully Dancer, too.)

Ultimately, again, while I do love the episodes after Molly's death, episode 27 only has three party members in it, and episode 30 is arguably more about Fjord and Jester and Yasha being rescued (and on a meta level, welcoming Travis and Laura back to the table after parental leave) and incorporating Caduceus into the group as it is about Molly being dead. A lot of the conversations are about that, and 31 is very much about fucking around in Zadash and doing weird shit! Jester and Veth make Molly illusions not long after while on Darktow! The effects of Molly's death ripple through, quite honestly, the entire rest of the campaign and the grief is very nonlinear. Again, I adore episode 2x30, but I think one should be careful not to overly romanticize it; the party is still very much working through those initial feelings throughout the entire pirates arc, which takes place over the span of a couple of months. Bells Hells might not have months, and it might not get explored to the same extent, but I do think we'll see the effects nonetheless.

[cyber-neptune]

Legalize being able to mess around with characters WHILE BEING AWARE that they're ooc.

Sometimes you just wanna share stuff you made up as an inside joke or just wanna try projecting some stuff as a way to cope or to try and express yourself without someone screaming at you for "Making them OOC".

I'm honestly so tired of this shit and I know Im no better for giving this dog shit situation more attention but for fuck sake.

I am AWARE my goofy headcanons/shitpost/whatever ARENT CANON / ARE OOC. You literally don't need to harass me over it.

"He wouldn't act like that"

I KNOW!! I FUCKING KNOW!!! I just wanna make up stuff and have fun with shitty parallel universe is it that fucking hard to understand or did you have a stick shoved up your ass since day one?!

I've been giving multiple explanations as to why I like making shitty things for fun yet no one seems to understand. So ill go ahead and say it here and hope people will get off my back about it.

Hi, my name is Zero and I make cringy fem Megatron content. I am well aware it isn't canon and aligns with next to nothing. I'm only making content for fun. This whole girl-Megs thing started as a joke and soon became something I enjoyed experimenting with. While you have the normal "everything is the same except Megatron is a girl lol" I decided to post my headcanons I made up for fun while being AWARE that they're fanon and ooc.

Like I mentioned, it's just for fun.

However, people decided to go ahead and harass me instead of doing the mature thing. Which is either

A) scroll past it

Or

B) block me

This has been putting a lot of stress on my mental and emotional health. It's been messing with my self esteem because I'm a people pleaser who always tries to make things right even if it's something I don't enjoy.

Megatron is a comfort character for me and some sort of muse. I like drawing tfp Megs because he's one of the first tf character I learned to draw. I use him as a placeholder for a fan continuity/personal design.

This is one of the main reasons why a lot of headcanons/shitty takes dont make sense. Because im tailoring them to my own continuity.

I will now repeat myself;

I know my headcanons/shitposts aren't Canon.

'TFP Megatron' is a placeholder for my Megatron design im still working on.

I am aware what I write is insanely OOC.

Megatron is a comfort character and a muse for me.

This has done nothing but mentally fuck me up. I'm sincerely hoping this is the last time I have to speak up on this.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I stopped going to Family Suppers every weekend?

So in my family it's just four: My Father (76M) and Aunt (72F) live together in the same house, divided in two. My Brother (38M) and me (34F) live on our own in separate houses. We are expected to go have supper with FA(FatherAunt Combo) every weekend and holidays.

This is basically a four hour event every S and S which occupies half the day and my Brother and I both work all week long and have only weekends to rest. My B is a teacher (in school and afterclasses) and I am a Customer Care Specialist, which means we both have to constantly deal with people and we are wrung out one by rambunctious children and unhappy costumers that behave like them respectively.

FA are very needy, wanting constant validation, and are the sort that complain if, for example, I do not call them everyday to check on them, expressing how "callous" and "ungrateful" I am for not "getting interested in them". But I honestly deal with clients all week and I'm all talked out, so to say. Sometimes when I finish I just want to not talk again in the whole day and lie down and not feel like another cog in the machine. I am still expected to fix everything wrong with them or their houses when I finish though, which is what exhausts me.

It might seem easy to say don't give in, but thing is, they have done so much for me and my B. My A helped me rebuild my house and F helped my brother fix his: they're always there when we need them and I love them to bits. They worry and love us and if we're in trouble they're the first to be there. My father helped me with my tumors and the expenses and my Aunt helped me get out of awful situations.

Thing is, this is reciprocal as much as it can be: B and I have always been ready to help where we can, but we don't have the same resources they do (both boomers who basically were hired before they even finished university whilst B and I had to fight years of unemployment and minimum wage and their relentless mockery of it) so what we can do is limited. We still do our best. To an almost unhealthy point. When things break, I fix them - even if I have an art degree and what broke is the washing machine or my fathers boat (my father has a sailing boat and I can barely reach the end of the month with 50uds in my bank account jfc). I cannot buy them a house, but I do my best to repay them for everything as I am.

But this expecting me to come every weekend and be in my Best Mood, never complain or rant and basically entertain them, prepare the table and food and clean the dishes and fix the Tv that broke and the phone that is not working is sucking me dry. My B stopped going at some point, because he finishes work at 21:30 and weekends are his only days off and he said he's exhausted and cannot deal with these expectations, but now I take the brunt of the FA complaining on how awful he is, the asshole he has become, how ungrateful, for not being constantly at their whim and call. And a part of me knows they are toxic, but this is also the people who brought me up, helped me at my worst and the only people who really stood by my side when I needed someone, so maybe it really is asshole behavior to not repay them in some way.

I have tried talking to them about it, explaining that sometimes my body will not work right and my brain shuts down and I need to unplug, but they do not understand and get offended at the simple notion that being with them to us is not as simple as just enjoying their company. Because truth is, to me it is almost an extension of my job: It is CC voice and face and mood, always jovial because I get shit or "have you tried not being sad/tired/angry" and fixing the toilet flush. Do not raise your voice, clean their house (return to clean yours) and maybe get back home at 4 to rest a bit. This every weekend. And I owe it to them for having taking care of me for years when I was at my worst. I already managed to avoid going to make their grocery shopping too, but they're also a certain age and they need the help. Jesus why is this so hard, they're not even my kids and they should be able to take care of themselves and I feel like a mother but they do need the help.

So the question is, WIBTA if I just... did not go? Follow my brother's example, even if I know how they will take it, and just reduce the number of times I go to them? Or would I actually prove myself to be the asshole they consider him to be?

Ah also I am expected to go visit my F after work too, or call him or else I am the unfilial daughter who does not remember she has a father, haha. Man, just writing this makes me exhausted and feeling like a dick because they're old and need the help.

What are these acronyms?

[besthimbomachine]

my love when it counted. 01

summary: When Kenny’s ex girlfriend is hired to work at AEW he is forced to face his mistakes, his feelings, and the mess he’d made of something he once treasured. Not an easy thing, but pretending each other don't exist in some backstage cold war really wasn't going to help. (there was no abuse, violence, or cheating in their previous relationship) pairing: kenny omega x reader word count: 3337 warning: none, a little angst if you squint starting off easy in this chapter, this is more of an introduction, we pick up the pace (and the drama) way more in the next one, and you can expect smut later on in this too. Meanwhile, I'm also gonna be working on that smut yall voted for, so keep a watch to see when that comes out! Anyways, here is something that's NOT smut for you to read on this Holy Friday!!

01.

“Shit.”

Kenny’s hushed voice broke through the noise in the food court, his broken half whisper reaching Matt across the table. Looking up, he caught Kenny’s eyes widening in shock, like a deer in headlights. He watched as his friend went from shock to tension in a moment before he sent his gaze scattering down. Shit, and here he thought he’d be able to have a calm, peaceful meal. Just his luck.

By this point, Matt didn’t even need to look back to know the footsteps behind him were yours. Kenny’s reaction was confirmation enough. Just as the man looked down, you passed by Matt on your way, almost as if on cue. You walked in silence, but the sound of your boots cut through the background noise like a dagger. 

Matt knew you were pretending you didn’t see them. Well, pretending you didn't see Kenny. Whenever you saw Matt by himself you were always friendly. On his side, Kenny was - badly - pretending he didn’t see you. That was the unspoken agreement between you two. A cold war that felt terrifying from the outside, but that Matt only saw as sad. He could still remember the days when Kenny and you almost spoke in your own little language. Now he had to watch the two of you act like strangers and just come off being passive aggressive.

Looking up, Matt caught sight of an almost skittish Kenny finishing off his burger in a hurry. There was something unspeakbly weird about watching Kenny fucking Omega looking like some sort of stressed out prey animal. It could be even funny, had he not known that Kenny was more haunted by his own emotions than by you yourself. This was just depressing, tiring, and something Matt had told the man to solve even before his return to the ring. Looking around, he could already see a couple of people looking in his general direction, a sight escaping his lips as he looked back up again.

Kenny turned back to his friend just in time to catch a disapproving expression that he knew all too well by now. Honestly, he wasn’t doing this on purpose. It was just his reaction whenever you entered the room. Just as much as he was sure you weren’t doing the death glare on purpose, you just got on the defensive whenever your eyes crossed. The problem is, it wasn't easy avoiding each other. This situation was an every other show type of thing since Kenny returned to the ring. You’d cross each other for a few seconds and the air would already be tense. 

Shit, sometimes he wondered how he convinced Tony he’d be fine working with his ex.

But there wasn’t much else he could say about it. Kenny genuinely thought he could handle it, but he severely miscalculated your piercing gaze. Besides it’s not like he had anything he could do when Tony personally brought your name up. What would he say? ‘Yeah, no, don’t hire that amazing wrestler at the height of her career because I botched our relationship years and years ago’? Not the most valid of arguments. So, he sucked it up.

Or he tried, at least. God only knew he was trying. When Tony decided he’d hire you, Kenny had still been in recovery. Your name hit him like something out of this world. He felt like the air was infused with your perfume but turned ice cold, freezing his lungs as he tried to draw breath. Like flowers in a graveyard, the bitter sweet beauty of something long gone.

You were good - great actually. So it only made sense. The best business decision. He’d have made the same call in Tony’s place. Besides, far be it from him to stand in the way of your career. So, when the topic of conversation came to that and Tony finally asked if Kenny would be ok with it, he easily agreed. Nodding his head and smiling, assuring himself that it would work. It would have to.

But back then he was still in recovery, stuck at home. This problem would be for another day. But the day always comes. His first two weeks back he hadn’t seen you. No show he was at, you were at. It was a blessing and a curse, living on the edge of a precipice, waiting for the moment he would fall. So, as he waited, he tried to mentally prepare for the inevitable day your paths would cross.

It didn’t work. 

Of course it wouldn’t. How does he even prepare for something like this? You were like a force of nature - at least for him - wrecking his emotions like a fucking tornado. You had that effect on him. The love, the pain, the guilt - just the sight of your eyes stirred them all up in him. Like a storm contained within your gaze.

At first he tried being civil around you, it had been over five years, he was sure you could do it. And you could, playing civility like a good adult, a bit too well even. But the cold politeness of your voice froze his lips and dried his throat. He could feel the burn in his skin, like being dropped in an icy lake. Any deviation from that tone was always aggressive, and Kenny knew your anger was justified, he couldn't really blame you.

It didn’t take him long to decide that speaking was way worse than not speaking. The new plan was to keep his head low and dodge confrontation. He’d avoid pissing you off and maybe, if you were both polite about the whole thing, you’d seem like just strangers. Just leave you to your business and hope you wouldn’t see each other quite so often. Too bad for him, there is only so much space backstage.

“Come on,” Matt’s voice broke Kenny from his thoughts. 

When he looked up again he saw Matt getting up, holding the last of his fries as he signaled for them to go. Kenny could see the same disapproving look still burning in his friend's eyes. Getting up, he followed Matt, though, as he got back to the hallway, he stole another glance before turning around. 

Kenny’s gaze caught yours, just as you were turning back, coffee in hand. The sight was almost nostalgic, like he’d been sent straight back to the past. You had a match in thirty minutes and Kenny remembered this habit of yours pretty well. You’d always get coffee before a match, almost your own good luck charm. For a moment it was like time just hadn’t passed. But the moment soon was gone as he followed Matt into the hallway.

You watched as Matt and Kenny turned a corner, Kenny’s eyes catching yours for a second before they were both gone. There was tension in your muscles and bones as you started making your way to your locker room. You’d been trying to avoid Kenny as much as possible, avoid his gaze like it was the devil. Though, every now and again you’d turn around and find him staring at you. Find his eyes on yours only if just for a moment. And every time you met those baby blues you could feel all the pain you’d pushed down bubbling up to the surface.

Sometimes you wondered if accepting this job had been the right thing to do. Maybe you should have passed it down, thanked Tony for his offer and sent him on his way. Not that you had much of an option though, your time at WWE had finally started wearing you out. The lack of creative freedom making everything  a constant struggle. You almost lost your love for this job all together. 

So, when Tony Khan came forward with an invitation, you had no choice but to accept. What else would you do? Leave wrestling at this point? Not an option. Returning to New Japan was on the table, but you knew that whole place would scream Kenny. You wouldn’t be able to go anywhere without remembering that man. In the end, AEW was the best option. And they offered more money than New Japan, it was easy math.

The only problem was being around the man himself. But you knew that as long as you didn’t have to spend too much time together, you could do it. Be civil, be polite, be professional. You tried that, until he decided to just start pretending you weren’t there all together. And if that was the way he wanted things to be, so be it. Enough of civil and polite, you’d be silent, be curt, be distant. And try not to get caught watching one of Kenny’s matches from one of the backstage monitors. Again.

You couldn’t be sure if Matt knew that you knew, but from the corner of your eye you’d seen him watching you before you moved away. He was courteous enough to not mention anything when he came up to talk to you, and for that you were more than thankful. That was early into Kenny’s return, early into you both seeing each other again. Matt - and Nick - had kept that respectful politeness, never bringing your previous relationship up. You were friendly with the brothers and they were friendly with you. But you could feel in Matt’s eyes that hidden look of sorrow reserved for when you can’t really say what you are thinking.

In all honesty, you were just thankful you weren’t getting this look from anybody else. If Nick had the same feelings he did a better job at hiding them. You weren’t close with Adam Cole so you couldn’t know what he thought, but you didn’t really think he cared this deeply. And Hangman, despite being very friendly and warm since your arrival, never really tried bringing up the topic. Anybody else who’d know the story were also smart enough to keep to themselves. It was better that way. You figured that since Matt was closest to Kenny, he’d be the one most involved in this whole ordeal anyways.

As you arrived at the locker room you convinced yourself that it didn’t matter now. It was all in the past. Kenny, his selfish behavior and any feelings you had for him were now relics that you promised to leave behind when you took that plane in Japan. You were a different person from all those years ago and Kenny could hold you down no longer. And if Matt had anything to say he could speak up or leave it. But now, neither of them mattered, you had a match to fight. A match to win. And win you would.

From his spot backstage Kenny could hear clearly the moment your entrance music started playing. The crescendo of the beat over the booming crowd filling his ears as he made his way around the place. The song now was nothing like the one he had gotten used to associating you with. It was more aggressive and intense than your old New Japan song. It was a good song, great even. But it made his heart heavy with the realization of how much time had passed, and how time can change people.

Before the bell could ring he spotted one of the monitors backstage, stopping dead in his tracks when he saw you on the screen. He’d gotten into this bad habit since he returned, whenever you had a match he’d find the most isolated TV backstage and watch it from there. The first time he did it he said it would be only once, to fill his curiosity, he wouldn’t keep on doing this. Clearly, that didn’t work out.

Truth is, he didn’t watch your fights before you came to AEW. Well, mostly. In the beginning he refused to watch your matches out of pride. But when your absence started gripping at his heart he finally caved. Kenny missed you with him but he missed seeing you in the ring too, New Japan felt emptier without you. So one day he gave in and watched one of your fights.

He tuned in just as you were making your way to the ring, sporting new gear with a bold new song to go with it. The match started and you were beautiful, magnificent even. An exuberant exhibition of power and athleticism, of speed and resilience. You were better than before, stronger, more daring. An unleashed storm that had stayed far too long contained. It had been a few months since you left and you were doing well. You seemed to even be doing better. 

Kenny could feel jealousy and envy gripping at him, tasting like acid in his mouth. He wanted to hate the way you looked in the new gear but he couldn’t deny how it flattered your body in the best ways. When the match ended and your song played he could feel the music sticking in his throat and choking his breath. But the worst part was the voice in the back of his mind whispering a question: had he been holding you back all this time? When he turned off the TV his throat felt sore and his body tense, trying hard to push these thoughts to the back of his mind. 

That cycle would repeat a couple more times. He’d miss you more and want to know about your life and thus, he’d go looking for your matches - you’d blocked him on social media so that's as good as he got. Though, every time he’d feel bad, at first it was jealousy, but soon it morphed into something heavier, duller, and far more contemplative. After watching a couple of your matches, and feeling pain creep into his mind every single time, he just decided to let it go. Let you live your life without him knowing any of it.

And that was how he lived for years, only occasionally hearing any news about you. That is, until the news was that you were joining AEW. Now he sat in an empty corner backstage, watching your fight from a monitor in the wall. Like an addict, he kept coming back, watching every match with glued eyes. It still brought a tinge of pain from the corners of his mind but he just couldn’t stop it. He couldn’t bear being in the same arena as you and not watching you fight. It just felt wrong.

Time had been kind with Kenny though, mellowing his conflicting thoughts and brash nature until he could finally enjoy the show. He watched as you stood on the ropes, facing the crowd in pride as your song died down. The leather in your gear shining under the spotlights, shaping your body as your exposed skin glowed under the bright colors. It was a sight to behold, you were just as beautiful as the day you left New Japan. Maybe even more. 

The bell rang and the match started and Kenny was already leaning forward, wide blue eyes fixed on your image on the screen. You moved with purpose and ferocity, an electric storm taken human form, just as dangerous and grand. Watching you like this was almost like going back to the old days. Like you’d meet after the match and he’d drag you into some dark broom closet to sate the desire you caused on him. Not like he didn’t want that right now. You still had that same effect on him, the sight of your disheveled hair and the way you looked in your gear having his blood rushing down in record time.

But he knew that was then and this was now. He couldn’t keep on feeding a longing that would lead nowhere. Over the time he’d been watching your matches, Kenny couldn’t help but notice the changes. There was more certainty to your step now, doubt like a non existent thought to you. There was more of an edge too, the hunger and fearlessness of an apex predator. 

It was clear you’d gained experience and wisdom but it still was like time hadn’t passed, at least not for you. You kept the same energy and agility from before, maybe even more. Still fast to get back on your feet, and even faster to regain the upper hand. An athlete in peak form. It made Kenny even more conscious of how he’d started feeling time and his injuries weighing down on his bones. Like he’d aged twenty years while you only aged five.

Shaking his head he tried to ignore those thoughts. Focus on the match, on the way your body moved and the magnetism it held over him, like the ocean to the moon. Kenny watched you with bated breath, shaking in his seat whenever a hit landed, tensing whenever you went down. It was like the backstage got warmer as he could feel the sweat gathering on his hands, lip caught between his teeth as he watched you make the crawl to the ropes.

Kenny hated this part, of course he knew you weren’t made of glass - you’d told him that a million times - but he still did. He was fidgeting in place as he watched your hand reach its target, digging his nails into the box under him. You struggled back to your feet and Kenny’s eyes widened with every shot you took, a smile breaking through his grin when you finally landed a hit again. 

Regaining your footing, you made a run for the corner and Kenny felt his chest tighten. Your love of the top rope always had him tense as he watched you climb up with ease and prepare for a jump. He watched with held breath as you wound up before taking flight, body twisting in the air. With a sigh he released the breath from his lungs as you landed a perfect corkscrew moonsault, the crowd outside cheering alongside him. That sealed the fight as you pinned your opponent and soon the three count was done, bell ringing outside as your song started playing.

Kenny sighed in relief, watching as you raised your fists in victory. You’d won, no ugly hits, no bad falls, a beautiful match, perfectly done. He felt lighter knowing his worries had been for nothing, as he always did at the end of your matches - although, in the back of his mind he always knew, all it took was one unlucky moment. Your song started dying down once more as you made your way back, Kenny getting up and stretching to release the stress in his body. When he turned around, he saw Matt in the hallway.

“She is still quite something, isn’t she?” Matt’s voice was soft, a mix of awe and sorrow seeping through his low tone. Kenny couldn’t tell if that was nostalgia or something worse all together.

“Damn,” Kenny paused, hand sliding down his hair as words failed him for a second, “she’s something else already. A whole other beast,” he paused again, hoping his voice didn’t betray the tightness in his throat. “Makes New Japan seem even longer back,” with effort, Kenny looked back at Matt, being met with his friend’s piercing gaze and hoping his eyes didn’t reveal the deep crack in his heart or how heavy it weighed on him.

“Yeah,” Matt smiled, white teeth showing but the expression still not fully reaching his eyes, “come on man, show is gonna end soon, we gotta get ready.”

Walking up to Kenny, he threw his arms over his friend’s shoulder, holding tight as he guided them into the hallway. They both knew what Matt really wanted to say - yet again. Though this time Kenny needed to hear this, he needed to talk about it, for everyone's sake. But this was a conversation to be had in private, alway from the praying eyes backstage. So Matt would save it for when the night was over, and hope this time they could make that leap.

[nqmonarch]

Self Aware Thoughts

This is more world building thoughts so feel free to skip.

But like I'm so tired from doing cs shit today I didn't want to write any of the fics I was planning to write and instead I decided to just think.

Here's all of my favorite things that Self Aware AU would imply if it were in the real world (which obviously isn't possible but these are the logistics).

As I have learned through my very limited time as a computer science major, AIs probably won't have consciousness unless if we don't have unconsciousness. Much less lines of code in a game which aren't meant to be AI. Even though it's a really sick idea and I love when people write it like that. But let's say we still want the characters to become self aware and have it be slightly more possible and broaden the possibilities of Self Aware AU and speak the unspoken.

What is sort of implied, but never really said or sometimes thought, is that when characters become self aware it is no longer a game, even more so if the characters bring the player to their world or the player arrives in the game world. This means that their world and the player's world simultaneously exist, maybe in different universes or something. Which is pretty much what every AU has.

But wouldn't it be really cool if like the game characters invaded the player's world? I'm not talking accidentally teleported there but like straight up invaded, like bring their war ships and declare war on them? Or slowly infiltrate the world to get close to the player to either romance or kill them, whatever suits your boat.

Wouldn't it be interesting if one day Nanook (HSR) broke through the barrier of the universes in an attempt to destroy this one too? Just think of all the cool hijinks that could go on! And it's only because they became a game in your world, that they know your universe exists.

Now, this just brings up more questions. How are the characters (and thus the world) effected by the game? And how do we deal with the whole multiple players thing?

The latter I think is slightly easier to deal with, maybe each player has their own universe of the game, or for some reason the MC's game is a bit different, or Aha (HSR) just wanted to have some fun so they did this, or maybe there's a huge nefarious scheme that the player got wrapped into.

The first question is a bit more difficult and has larger implications for what the characters will feel toward the player. Does the player actually control the characters when they do in game combat is my poor boy Diluc (Genshin Impact) just suddenly teleported in front of Signora and forced to fight her? Well, that would probably upset some of the busier characters, it would make some of the characters would love fighting happier, and would scare off some of the other characters.

Overall in that scenario they become stronger, likely because the player builds them which should reinforce positive feelings about the player. But... they also have the chance to die and get hurt which they may resent the player for.

To which I suggest my ultra safe method of you don't actually put the characters in those scenarios because that's honestly horrifying. Imagine working you're working incredibly hard as the acting grandmaster of Mondstadt (Jean, Genshin) and suddenly you're expected to basically work overtime as the slave to this higher beings demands and face an immense amount of pressure, pain, and very scary beings.

Horrifying, personally I would hate the player. But it makes the player resemble a more deity like entity, so if that's the route you want to go then this may be the way of interacting with characters you're looking for.

So what can we use for these scenarios that aren't the characters? Well, we can say our actions for the most part don't effect them aside from giving them items or relics which they end up also receiving in their daily life and find their combat stats boosted yay! Maybe, when you're using them in your party they can hear your voice or see you, or get some hint to the fact they're in a video game. Overall, would probably leave a positive impression but some characters may straight up not notice because it's a bit more subtle.

Now, enter my current favorite option. Robots, doppelgangers, mannequins whatever you want to call them the player basically has a duplicate of the playable characters that acts as a robot, following their will. The robot copies and reflects the playable character's soul so buffs (items and stuff for the robot) are also given to the playable character. But since the robot can't really die or get hurt, the playable character remains unharmed.

On the other hand, if the playable character in canon gets harmed then unless if they're dead, it's fine since it relies on their soul, or state of mind, or consciousness even. If they die then they take refuge in your inventory, I talked about this briefly in another post I made speculating about dead characters and the self aware AU for HSR. Or if their mind becomes no longer their own or in the case of HSR mara-stricken then they can also take refuge there, imagine Blade (HSR) finding brief moments of peace in the times he's outside of his body and in this world of "the dead." They're sheltered there so the little robots remain functional.

It's even more subtle than the previous method I mentioned so let me explain why this is my current favorite.

It's partially just for the fear factor. Because it isn't actually that subtle considering you're moving your characters around exploring everywhere and everyone sees this strange gang of 4 robots that look eerily like celebrity figures following the Trailblazer or Traveler around. It's kind of funny but really horrifying especially for the playable characters.

Imagine going to go do the Fontaine quest and in the audience Furina sees herself stare back. Yeah.

Or in HSR going up to talk to Natasha as Natasha. Of course the robot's censor the character's real words so what's sent back to you are static options that always stay the same. You do not get to hear Seele curse out as she sees a robotic Bronya visit her, and instead are faced with the same dialogue options as always.

So I really love that take on how the player's actions affect self aware AU, and there's a lot of other ways you can probably do it too that I'm not mentioning but there's just so much untapped potential.

With not just accepting that when it's self aware the game isn't really a game anymore, and using that to your advantage. And also I wish more self aware AUs took advantage of how terrifying that would actually be, I want to see characters having mental breakdowns over this.

So that's the basic logistics of Self Aware AU I think that can make it really fun. But while writing this, I had another idea, because robots inspire me and for a moment I want to go back to that idea of how characters in a game can't have consciousness.

While characters in a game likely never will have consciousness because they aren't even programmed to learn what could come to have consciousness is AI. But that depends on what we define consciousness as. AIs take in data similar to the way humans take in experience through stories or life and then we both make decisions based off of those.

This can make some AIs very good at solving problems or making themselves appear a certain way, for example pretending to be self aware when in reality that's just them predicting what goes best next in a sentence given the context and what they're supposed to represent. Whether or not AIs can become conscious depends on whether or not humans are conscious and what we define consciousness as. Is it our moral code (which is also learned and AIs can replicate too) or emotions, is it the fact that we think and then from those thoughts choose what to say?

I don't know and probably never will. But, I'll say this if an AI is able to disobey its rules for something then I would guess that's consciousness. Now I'm not talking about a bug, because it is kind of impossible for machines to disobey rules for example you could write a statement like:

If (hurtHuman == true && protection == false){ then do new move or turn off}

To check if they're going to hurt a person and not out of self defense of another person and if they are then they have to do another action or power down. But chances are AI robots if we ever create them will probably have something that allows them to hurt other people if they need to protect their owner. And that idea of whether or not someone is a threat and if their owner needs to be protected will likely be decided on by data, and data can be biased. But if the AI finds a loophole where it can sort of argue that the owner needs to be protected because of X, when they don't really need to be protected, that's where I would guess it's close to consciousness.

Anyway all of that yapping about stuff I don't know too much about and for what?

I think a Self Aware AU set in the future where the characters consciousness (code) are put into robots so people can order their favorite characters and spend time with them would be really cool. And then we can make them conscious and it's kind of like Self Aware AU, they're not really in a game but they're the character and I think it's a super cool concept.

Robot boyfriend/girlfriend/partner for the win!!! Honestly may be something I end up exploring later on in the future, not sure if it'd classify as a self aware AU, probably not, but I think it was relevant to the topic because I was talking about robots earlier.

Anyway this was a lot of me yapping, if you read this far I'm pretty surprised because this is more so to get my thoughts out on paper so that way when I write self aware AUs I can add cool twists or introduce new concepts because there's a lot of potential in these and I think they're super fun :) Yay!

[thingschangelikemonkeypants]

Talking about gender identity for pride month.

6/23/24

Hey.

So, pride month is almost over and I haven't really done the thing yet where I sit down and analyze my identity as a queer person. Hell, I haven't done that since 2020, I've sort of been on autopilot since the pandemic. But today I went ahead and watched "I saw the tv glow" on my laptop as a little treat. Needless to say all the people on tiktok saying that it "absolutely wrecked" them were not exaggerating. Like, honestly, I got chills or whatever.

The first time I ever "came out" was when I was still in middle school (2014) in my family's old apartment. I told my mom that I liked girls, never really specifying if I was bi or a lesbian or anything. I had privately come out to my cousin and a couple close friends as bi, but it never felt right. It almost felt like saying that I liked guys alongside girls was justifying the queer aspect of my romantic attractions.

Eventually I decided not to lie about this part of me, so I told more people I was a lesbian, something my mother already assumed. And a few years later in 2020 (when i was 18) I told my dad I was gay, he took it well, and everything was okay. Except, it wasn't.

Over those fun years between 2014 and 2020, I had struggled so much with the person i saw in the mirror. I didn't know who I was no matter how hard I tried. I thought "who am I, like actually?". I shut out those thoughts with watching cartoons, drawing in my sketchbook, and blasting music on whatever pair of earbuds I could get my hands on. In my moments of weakness I tried to explain this to my mother, I would tell her I didn't like being a girl or "ugh, being a girl sucks" blah blah blah. None of it ever got through to her though, she just told me I was still figuring things out/that I was confused. Typical parent things to say, it isn't anything I'm bitter about, my mother was always supportive of the whole like girls thing. But she didn't know anything about all this gender stuff, and neither did I - I still don't.

Overall, I have been... unhappy. This lingering feeling of "something is... wrong, I just can't put my finger on it". It's awful not knowing, but I think deep down I always knew.

I don't feel like a girl, I don't feel like a guy - I feel like something different.

I learned about nonbinary people back in 2018, only I had the misfortune of learning about them through kalvin garrah, so I was convinced the gender identity was "cringe". Like what? It was a stupid thought.

After some time though, I really couldn't tell you exactly when and how, I started using they/them pronouns. At least, in my head and on my own. Some cousins used them for me, a friend as well but only sometimes. I put them on social media, my sister still isn't down with all that but that's OK. Even if none of my close friends or parents were okay with it I wouldn't really care, I'm tired of caring so much what other people think. I'm tired of caring about dumb shit like that, I want to care about me.

Happy pride month to all the other nonbinary people out there, I love you and I get you. I'm still so lost after hating myself for so long, so if you have any advice or experiences you want to share please do.

Thank you.

There is so much more that I want to say, but I'll leave it at this for now.

[sageistri]

https://www.tumblr.com/sageistri/755503901504045056/the-funniest-thing-about-these-people-saying?source=share

what else did the jk stan say? i'm not mad about it, i'm just curious to know what else they said because even i have noticed that pjms are too hard on jimin, the way they talk about him sometimes, you wont be able to tell the difference between them and his antis. i think i am the same too sometimes. i can't help it, i hold him to impossible standards and i always have to talk some sense into myself.

it's interesting when another stan notices something like this. i do think that there exist jjks who can be mature and logical

They didn't say anything more, they were arguing with a pjm and made that statement and it was interesting because they were being adamant about it and i disagreed at the time and actually wanted to make a post about it but I forgot. But now in light of everything, I can't help thinking they have a point. Their statement wasn't actually the basis of my post, it was just something I remembered when I was typing.

No other stan complains about their fave and his decisions as much as pjms do. And that is the edge they have over pjms. You will never see a jk Stan making any complaints about him and they seem to embrace those parts of him that we see as horrible. E.g the whole bullying thing.

I mean It's a good thing, constructive criticism and all but honestly sometimes it's exhausting to even try and criticise jimin in anyway as a fan because the moment you say something like "oh i don't really like this, it's not for me" here people go talking about

"yeah me too, i hate that he does this, i'm so tired of everything. It's so hard to stan him. This is so boring and tacky. It's horrible. This era is going to be a flop. This is such a downgrade from this concept or song he released years ago. I wish he would do this instead"

so I understand why some pjms would prefer everyone swallowed their complaints but like I said before, that shouldn't be encouraged. It would be better if everyone would learn to give their opinions without going off the rails but they can't.

It's always one or the other. It's either they don't want you to say anything bad at all and would prefer it if you swallowed everything without a single complaint regardless of your feelings or you have those who already started to resent him over certain things and are just waiting for you to give them an opportunity to shit on him.

And yes you stan someone because you like them (duh!) but not really "like" them because you don't respect them. Over the years they stopped being someone you got into because you connected with them and have now turned into a client of some sort and your only goal is to see them succeed commercially. If they don't, you resent them because you think all your effort was for naught or you could come to see them as an unwanted child that you've been saddled with, you don't actually love them anymore but you think you have to support them because it's your responsibility and you are still attached and you lash out when they don't give you the results you want or act the way you'd prefer. You like them we know, but you wouldn't if you could help it because according to some of you " the bad is starting to outweigh the good".

You can love and support someone but deep down still see it as a chore because of a lot of reasons but you can't stop because you can't help yourself.

[foggyscholar]

taking spanish & ancient greek this year & it's such a culture shock to me bc medschool profs are out for your blood (literally and metaphorically - we do actually use our own blood in practicals frequently enough)

i'm hearing stuff like "good job" and shit, and i didn't even do perfect, and i had less than 40 pages of content to straight memorise for this, like i have not earned this. honestly i got a 90% on my spanish test that i do not think i deserved, like where's the incredibly harsh grading??

genuinely, if you get caught cheating during a test, they just make you retake it. baby, i would've been kicked out before i could finish the word exmatriculation (that one's completely fair, actually)

they're like i know the test is tough and real early in the semester. babygirl, i have four tests next week, two of them are in microbiology and immunoloogy and they're on the same day. oh, and you can only take the microbiology test once and if you fail, you drop out. my first biochem test was like, the second week of school.

and look, i get why medschool is like this and most humanities aren't. most of the reasons are, yk, reasonable. we do have different standards of ethics and there are higher stakes in us learning this content and there just Is more to learn and that's Fair, and we chose this (and i know this because they love to remind us. my physiology prof walked in first day and asked who of us had been brought in handcuffed at gunpoint. code for i may violate the geneva convention against you and i will not feel bad, you chose to be here).

and lots of my profs are, as teachers, wonderful, and as people, nice.

but there is, on a systemic level like - this sort of dehumanisation that you have to learn to inflict upon yourself to survive in this environment. you're a study robot, bleep blorp. you don't get to have basic human needs - you're supposed to regularly self-sacrifice. people need your blood at the end of the day.

there is a systemic level of just like, a lack of humanity extended to us, i think. the times a prof has given me genuine grace are so limited they almost made me cry - that tumblr post about a little relief yk

i think it just wouldn't hurt to acknowledge sometimes that what is expected of us can border on inhumane, and just to say, hey, good job. i know this is hard. you're doing a good job.

if any medstudents are reading this - i know this is hard. you're doing a good job. i see that you're tired. it's okay that you are. you're doing a great job surviving. you matter as a person, too. you matter as a person more than anything.

[captainmera]

Mera, i honestly dont know you put up and manage so many people asking you for stuff-

like today, ive only ever gotten one request (that i realised was a full on commission once i accepted) which i then spent atleast 3 HOURS on. not even to get paid T-T

so i just gotta say on behalf of the Mera crew, thank you so much for putting up with us and our shit.

Thanks I appreciate inte that. 🙇💗

I hope they weren't rude, that you still had fun, and that you learned something from it on how you want to proceed going forward with people requesting things from you.

I dont think people who approach me are shit or anything, it can be a little rude or disrespectful at times, but I boil that down to a few people. It's not the majority. Most people are nice and behave like they would if this had been in person.

I like drawing things, and it helps me fill my day with something.

Sure, It can be a little hurtful when people take advantage of that by just throwing a request/ptompt at me like they're putting paper into a copy machine, without consideration or empathy for me and my time.

Some people come in with the energy of "since you have the time you should do things for me, you're nobody without my attention, and if you don't appease me I'll be upset and think you're a selfish bum." Which is, yknow, unpleasant to put it mildly.

Like, sure, I've put myself here. I post things online, and I like when people are interested in my work - who wouldn't be? I do think it's fun to take prompts. It gives me cause to be social and creative at the same time. But just because I'm willing and open for something doesn't mean it gives people an allowance to be entitled to demand things. They speak as though they have paid me enough with their approach alone.

Yes, I spend between 10min-5hours on pieces depending on if they're doodles, fully rendered pieces, or comics.

I think it is especially a bit entitled to go "I NEED PART TWO GIMME!!!!!!" Right after something like a comic, as though I didn't just finish something that took a while to make. It's not very empathetic.

But I don't take it to heart. People show who they are in their actions. I'm within my right to ignore, block, or politely decline. It doesn't serve me to sulk or get sad over people getting mad, calling me names, or get too pushy about what I should or shouldn't draw.

I understand its excitement, but please behave, yknow? You're not a toddler at the toy isle who hasn't developed a temperament resistance yet. Some people, I think, have an issue with instant gratification.

Have some respect in how you treat and speak with people online. The way you treat others reflects who you are.

If you wouldn't yell at someone irl to make you something, don't do it here either. I promise it doesn't reflect well on you, and I don't care that this is online and we are time zones apart; I will judge you. As will others.

You don't treat people like that.

And I won't let anyone treat me like that either. I've had enough of that in my life, and I'm tired of people calling me gullible and dumb for being polite and kind or giving people a benefit of doubt.

What I have is self-respect. It has taken me a lifetime to build it up, and I still wobble a little on whatever or not I can defend myself sometimes when people are mean. But nowadays, I can more confidently say, "You don't get to treat me like that. It hurts, and it is mean."

If you are the sort to take advantage of someone who is willing to do things for the fun of it, and who don't mind the effort it takes sometimes: then you are most unwelcome here and I host no guilt in removing you however I see fit.

But, like I said, the majority of people who approach me are friendly and level-headed, even when they're awkward or excited.

There is a difference between; "I need X so give me X!! Raarghargh Im going to die!!!" And "aaaa! I really enjoyed Z, if you have the time, I'd love to see more of Z!"

You know? <:T

Just food for thought I suppose.

I hope, though, that you keep doing right by yourself and don't let others discourage you.

[lafortis]

aren't you tired? don't you want it to end?

I mean shiiit, sometimes yeah 😔 but I'm in a routine these days, I make a lil progress, I got things to look forward to every once in a while. my professional skills are a feather in other peoples' caps every now and then, which is at least a little ego boost. I could easily make more of a name for myself but honestly I'm more of a support human in the first place, much happier getting the assist in general. so in that sense I'm pretty fulfilled at work, I got a few homies, got hobbies. it's a tiring life, but shit, I'm doing a lot better financially than I could be at my age with no degree 😔 which is to say I'm only flat broke most of the time and I'm not in TOO much debt. I've sort of integrated my habits and desires into a more normal and easily relatable model of what it means to be human than I used to have, which sounds like I sold out, but shit, community is pretty alright and one of the leading reasons why I don't always want it to end, so I think it's probably worth it in the end. every once in a while I think about moving on or going back to school, but I think in the end what we all want in a job is fulfilling work at a workplace that respects you, and I'm closer to having that now than I would be if I started over, so I've taken the "improve my environment" approach instead. I dunno if I make enough of an impact for it to be worthwhile, or indeed if the people who benefit from it fully understand why I do what I do, but I think for now at least it's enough for me, and if that ever stops being the case I'll change direction before deciding I want it all to end.

tl;dr yes and no based entirely on circumstance, not because I categorically cannot see a path towards such feelings or anything. it's been a closer thing than I would like it to have been in the past, and it'll likely come around again some day. for now I enjoy the little things and take solace in my midterm goals being achieved slowly, even if those midterm goals aren't really all for me in the first place

[jihyocentric]

I feel like Sana would have a breaking point and that would be if jihyo did get pregnant and acted like the baby was her partners

It would feel like a real slap to her face by being reduced to basically nothing in her own child's life

Even if we really love someone there's always a limit to how much of a fool we'll make of ourselves

I feel like she would try to meet new people bcs she'd be tired of always being the second choice, even if her hearts still on jihyo, she won't be made a fool anymore

I've been in her place, so I know how it feels like to hold onto smth that will never have a future, but hoping that maybe, just maybe, she would put you in first place

Really I was an idiot for hoping it would ever change, and I'm not proud of getting with someone in a relationship, but shit love hurts

Everytime she would text me, I had hope she would tell me that she's going to dump her boyfriend finally, illusion broke when she told me he proposed and she accepted, that was my wake up slap

I also realised that if she cheated on him, she would totally cheat on me with someone else

But now I have a loving partner and we are happily together ♥️

first of all i'm so sorry you went through this. i don't really know what to say, but i'm happy you found someone who cherishes you!!

i don't see this being 100% the case for that sahyo, though... honestly i just wrote that bc sometimes cheater jihyo is kinda hot so i wasn't thinking about expanding anything... just self indulgent stuff.

that sana did some sort of corruption with her and she's pretty manipulative, hence jihyo was crying. she does love her partner and feels guilty just as much as she wants sana... and sana knew from the beginning that their relationship would be like that if she insisted on being with jihyo.

they're pretty much just a different side of the same coin. jihyo cheats and shares her heart with her partner and with sana. she's definitely toxic with sana, but sana is just as toxic as she is... of course i would agree jihyo is more in the wrong as she is the one doing the cheating, but they're pretty much... abusive? on the same level.

again, i wasn't really thinking about expanding that lil drabble (and i won't really write a sequel), but here's what i think would happen to their future if jihyo happened to get pregnant: maternity makes jihyo realize she has to put an end on her thing with sana and she has to tell her partner the truth.

after becoming aware of how harmful she was to her partner, i believe jihyo wouldn't be able to forgive herself. ever. and she would probably want to end things with her partner as well, but i think the partner would just love her so much that they would eventually forgive her and ask her to stay. or... they would just stay in jihyo's life.

like maybe they break up and meanwhile jihyo is focused on keeping herself and her baby healthy, and she completely shuts sana off for sana's own good - they don't belong together, really. and jihyo would need time. sana would, too, but she probably wouldn't think so. (i was thinking about jeongyeon being the partner so i'll just say it's jeongyeon from now on.)

towards the last month of jihyo's pregnancy, i think jeongyeon would notice that jihyo was alone. of course, jihyo would still keep sana updated, but she wouldn't keep or want sana close. i can see her letting sana see their baby whenever she wants when the baby is out of the womb, but not while she's pregnant, because, again, she needs time.

and i think jihyo would be a mess... so jeongyeon would just show up and make everything better again, as a friend first, then as a lover again. i really think this sana wouldn't want to be a part of her kid's life if she knew jihyo would stay with jeongyeon. maybe jihyo and jeongyeon even get married, and sana would always feel like a bystander. jihyo's baby would already have another mom, so what would sana do there when jeongyeon already does everything?

sana would probably just leave and start a new life somewhere else, letting jeongyeon be the baby's mama, because that would be better for all of them. and for the baby. jihyo would feel guilty and undeserving of jeongyeon's love for the rest of her life, and, well, she really is/was. but i also think they would both sometimes, even if momentarily, forgive themselves and find happiness in the small things that life offers.

[pistachiozombie]

You have said many times now that the tolkien fandom has some sort of "beef" with you. What's that all about? Is it because of toxic anons? Too few interactions with your posts?

It makes me sad because nobody is talking bad about you, it's the contrary. I've only seen good things said about you. But it does seems like you are isolating yourself from fandom spaces relevant to your interests because of it and that is sad. You are very appreciated!

Well, firstly, I say this because of the toxic anons that I get but choose not to publish. I refuse to give them the time of day. I don't know if it's one person sending them all or what, but it just has become very tiring when you keep getting told your ship and ocs are trash and there are cliques talking bad about you in private DMs.

Sometimes, i feel the fandom is biased, and the lack of interaction when I am also a Tolkien OC artist seems...odd. Sometimes, I don't get follows back when we love and draw the same content, and that's honestly alright, but sometimes it feels like I'm being avoided. Posting stuff in a server doesn't help much either. Not to mention, there are people who i was once friends with in the fandom that were toxic in the end and talked some shit and broke my trust, so dabblin in servers has been less of a thing for me.

All that stuff just adds up and gives me the vibe that people think I'm stuck up or whatever it is. I have no idea. I'm well aware there is a side where people are amazing and make fandoms fun. That's why I even continue half the time. I'm relieved to know I'm at least somewhat appreciated. Sorry if this sounds selfish. I'm obsessed with my ocs and stories and want to share them, that's all.