#Ive ran out of energy in general to be who i was. All i am now is tired. I miss wiwi

[flamboyant-king]

Hey gu ys

play b ug fabl es

[princesssmars]

holly jolly!

an abby anderson x reader based on my abby winter drabble !

wc : 15.718

contains : fluff, angst and smut . fxf relationship. fem!reader. switch! abby and reader. oral and penetrative sex. strap-on yippee. past abby x owen ewwww. owen hate bc i hate him and its funny. reader is a skier and abby does hockey! shitty dad for reader sorry girls. slight alcoholism sorry girls again. the reader is described as slightly tall i know yall been wanting taller readers. reader is kind of bitchy and abby loves it my fave dynamic (dynamic and pretty much the rest inspired by the little ruse go read it).

a/n : sorry i never got over my drabble guys. i dont know who exactly made hockey!abby but ive read em all so big creds to @angelkissiies @millersaurora @whatwouldsylwrite (and @eightstarr for calling abby princess) everyone else smoochies ily <3 made reader a skier because ive been obsessing over the olympics and i watched mollys game and thought it would be cool if i made a skier reader instead of a figure skater. ballerina next time if yall will indulge my delusions.

christmas has always been a bittersweet holiday.

you can remember the good parts from your childhood. picking out your first stocking with your mom. when your younger brother hid in the cupboard to try and catch santa. when your baby brother got cookie dough all over the kitchen, even on the ceiling. or when you were five years old and your dad gifted you your very first pairs of skis.

but it was hard to remember when the bad could get really bad. constant days spent out in the cold and snow, redoing your runs over and over until your legs burned and your back ached. your days that were supposed to be full of vacationing and fun instead filled with aches and falls and countless arguments once you realized you could start talking back.

some of the few friends you've had over the years tried to get you to focus on the good times and not the bad. that dwelling in the past wouldn't help you move forward. when you were younger you'd just call them assholes and move on, but recently it didn't seem worth the effort. that's probably why you started college with no close friends.

it was fine. you had your smarts, which helped you to get a full-ride scholarship when a skiing one fell through after a bad leg injury a few months back. because of that, your mom managed to convince your dad to get off of your ass for a while as you recovered. you had money thanks to your parents and you had your looks which would land you a hookup once in a blue moon.

you'd even made two acquaintances on campus, your roommate, tonya, who was pretty mellow and made sure not to bring the weed she smoked inside your dorm, and a girl named nora in one of your general ed classes whom you would partner up with often.

so yeah. it was fine. at least until the end of your freshman year.

you were running late for your ten am class, sleeping in because tonya had somehow managed to convince you to go to a small party with her last night and take body shots, and then when you were close to being drunk you saw one of your past hookups in the corner who you had dropped for getting way too attached way too quickly, so then you had to quickly find tonya and run back to your dorm-

youre in the middle of remembering ton's bird-like laugh when you nearly faceplanted into your front door when you ran full force into a hulking mass of a body.

the sound of them lightly cursing and asking if you were okay falls on deaf ears as you pick up your bag and hike it to your class, ignoring the stairs of the other students when you rush and plop into your seat.

luckily you manage to get yourself together afterwards, fixing yourself up at your dorm before heading to your next course with nora. as soon as you sit down she's teasing you about a video she saw of you getting wasted last night and you don't even have the energy to entertain her.

"well, instead of getting drunk off your ass again how about you join me tonight? one of my friends is on the hockey team and i got some nice ass tickets."

"c'mon, nora. hockey? seriously?"

"oh, im sorry ms. olympian, is hockey too good for you suddenly? just a bunch of women tossing a puck around too barbaric for you?"

"wait, you didnt say it was women's hockey."

"well, it is."

"..."

"..."

"what time does it start?"

at around five you're putting on a cute sweater and a puffer jacket before joining nora on the campus bus where she tries to quickly explain the rules of hockey to you in the span of five minutes. she asks how on earth you haven't been to one of the games or at least heard of the team's star breakout player. you have to carefully explain that you've had enough of sports to last a lifetime.

the indoor arena is packed, and you have to roughly squeeze and push multiple people out of the way to get by. nora starts laughing and tells you to leave the violence to the players and you brush her off. (for some reason she constantly loves to tease you.) when you both finally sit in your seats, you notice that they're behind the glass where the team players get out onto the ice and sit for breaks. nora suddenly bangs on the glass behind a player wearing an ANDERSON 20 jersey. the girl stands up and turns around and good god.

you weren't the shortest girl yourself, standing a couple inches over most girls you knew, but jesus she was easily almost six feet tall, and big, even if her jersey and gear probably made her look larger which really didn't help you focus. you liked the contrast of it with her face, bright, cute, and red from the cold as she talked to nora through the plexiglass. you were just about to admire the shape of her nose when her slightly unnerving blue eyes turned to you.

"hey, i recognize you!"

your brows pull in a deep scrunch.

"from this morning, you bumped into me and nearly knocked me on my ass."

"oh my god, i had a feeling that was you!" you hear the familiar noise of nora laughing at your pain. "jeez, how drunk did you get last night?"

"would you just- look, im sorry about earlier. i was hungover and rushing to class."

she smiles and shakes her head. "its chill, dont worry about it. nora, are you going to that party at derek's frat after? i swear he was begging me to come but i wasnt too sure."

"abby, everyone asks you to go to their parties and you never do! live a little." nora pauses before wrapping her arm around your shoulders.

you knew she was about to say something to piss you off.

"even little y/n here is gonna come and properly apologize to someone for once. isn't that right, hun?"

great.

"well, that wasn't my plan for tonight. at all." you say before picking up your giant hockey-themed plastic cup and taking a sip, hoping the chill of your slushie numbs out the rest of this conversation.

abby adjusts some of her straps and her helmet before resting her hand on the glass, noticing how the rest of her teammates are getting ready to go out on the ice. "well, i'd really like to see you there. is there any way i could convince you to come?"

"i don't know, is there?"

"how about... when i win, you come to the party with me."

you couldn't help but roll your eyes so hard they hurt. leave it to nora to be friends with the walking cliche of an arrogant sports player. you could've been spending this moment in your dorm watching a dumb hallmark movie about a businesswoman falling in love with a farmer while eating chips and drinking a self-indulgent capri sun.

"and if you lose?"

the announcer over the loudspeaker called for the game to start and the players started making their way onto the ice. abby winks at you before turning around and joining the rest of her team.

"trust me, i won't."

you scoffed and flopped back into your hard seat, sucking almost angrily at the bright red straw in your slushie to ignore nora's look.

"are all of your friends that annoying?"

"kind of. thought you'd enjoy it though. birds of a feather."

not bothering to entertain her, you focused on the game that was starting in front of you.

you could understand the basics of the game; one team had to get the puck into the other goal several times until they won. you had a brief understanding of some of the other rules, mostly because your father explained every winter olympic sport to you in great detail when you were twelve. it became so boring at one point that you fell asleep and banged your head on the coffee table, startling the both of you so much he decided to let you go to bed.

but as the game goes on you have to admit that anderson is frighteningly good at what she does. she moves gracefully and quickly on the ice, so well you think to yourself that if she ever tires of hockey she could seriously pursue ice skating, but when an opposing player gets too aggressive with her she returns it with force. she's like an avalanche on skates.

when the game ends you can't tell whether you're shocked or agitated. your team won in what nora called a 'total fucking landslide', the bright 6-1 lighting up the scoreboard like a smack in the face. it felt slightly awkward that everyone around you was yelling and celebrating while you were sitting statue still in your seat.

nora could probably sense your discomfort and gently pulled you up, telling you that the both of you could throw your things away before meeting up with some more friends of hers before heading to the party.

so awesome.

her friends were nice enough, a psychology student named leah and her boyfriend jordan who was some type of biology major. they seemed happy to meet you but happier to make googoo eyes at each other and go to the party, which meant you most likely wouldn't see them again once you got there unless you stumble upon the two in a hallway closet or bathroom. there was also mel, a nursing student who seemed slightly closed off but agreed with you when you mentioned this party would probably be loud and gross. a bunch of athletes celebrating a win is a recipe for disaster.

"finally, the campion herself arrives!" jordan cheers and raises his bag of chips up to abby who's walking up to your group, wearing a simple college sweatshirt and some black sweatpants. for something so basic she makes it look good, and if you didn't have any integrity and weren't pissed off about this party bet thing you'd tell her so. but you are pissed off and still have about half of your integrity, so you keep your mouth shut.

when she bumps into your shoulder with a 'told ya i'd win' you're about to reply with a snarky remark when a tall man with dark blonde hair and another with tanned skin and brown hair come up beside her and raise her up on their shoulders, chanting 'anderson, anderson!' on repeat. you look to nora who just rolls her eyes and tells you that she'll introduce you in the car.

you're all split into two cars, with you riding with the two strange men along with abby and nora. they tell you the guysin the front seats are owen and manny. also that they've all known each other since they were teens which definitely doesn't make you feel like an outsider. but manny keeps trying to joke around with you so you don't feel too awkward which you can appreciate. even if you don't really laugh.

when the car stops at a giant white frat house you arent surprised in the slightest. you were about to prepare yourself for another night of drinking and finding another hookup when abby throws her arm over your shoulder and decides that she likes you enough to spend most of the night by your side.

she walks with you to get drinks and then leaves to go celebrate with some other friends while you sit and nurse your drink for a while. it leaves you some time to think, asking yourself why you're acting like you're trapped here when you could just leave whenever you want, but you don't understand why you don't. maybe it's because you'll use any excuse to have a good reason to drown out your problems with alcohol. or because you're lonely but don't feel like admitting it.

after around half an hour she comes back and sits on one side of you while you talk to nora and joins in. she asks about your major, if you're from seattle, and how you met nora. after a while you stop rolling your shoulders when she asks a new question and settle into conversation with her. and after a few hours you learn more about her too, that her dad is a neurosurgeon and she's following in his footsteps with her pre-med major, but that as soon as she tried hockey she knew she wanted to do it forever. she tells you that she doesn't really like drinking, she knows most of the people on the other women's sports teams, that she used to date owen-

you choke on a sip of your vodka and nora pats your back with a chuckle. you were definitely off your game tonight. but besides that hiccup you have to admit talking to them is enjoyable. even their friend manny comes over and dares you to do shots with him and you were seriously about to do it before the girls talked you out of it.

over the next few weeks, you talk more and more to the anderson girl, to the point where you're staying up at night to talk to her over the phone and waking up to your roommate giggling in your face. once she was so tired after a game she started snoring and you would not let her forget it. just like she wouldn't let you forget the time you got wasted at a sorority party, got on top of the kitchen island, and danced to a city girls' song before she set you back on the floor.

you wouldn't ever admit it out loud, hell you had barely admitted it to yourself, but you had started to catch feelings for abby. there was nothing more mebarrasing and cliche to you than falling for your straight friend, and you really didnt want to be on eof those girls who did so. but in your defense, it was really hard not to. she was annoyingly pretty, lord knows how many times youe admired the freckles dusting her cheeks down to her shoulders. she was strong and smart and every other positive character trait your brain could conure up.

but the worst thing was just how nice she was to you.

in hindsight, the way everything fell into place was honestly the dumbest thing ever. you were at a county fair leah had heard about and asked you to come with her along with jordan and abby. obviously, the couple went in their own direction after a while, which left you and abby to wander around getting on the different rides and getting your reaction to abby eating her first-ever funnel cake. but then it was later, and the two of you had stopped at one of those rigged pop up games and you bet her twenty bucks that she wouldn't win, and if there was one thing you knew about abby it was that she took bets very seriously, so when she won and had to pick her prize you were a little confused when she picked your favorite animal and handed it to you.

when you asked her how she knew it was your favorite, all she could say was 'you said they were cool a few times and they're your profile picture on your private instagram, so i just put the pieces together.'

you went home and didnt talk to her for a week. or at least you tried to, because after a weekend of ignoring her calls and convincing tonya to bring you meals from the lunch hall the blonde girl banged her fist on your door and basically demanded you tell her what your problem was.

"i don't see what the big fucking deal is. i'm allowed a little bit of space from you, abigail."

she scoffed and you could see her tongue bunch in the corner of her mouth before her body pushed past yours until she was standing in the middle of your room.

"i'm not saying you can't have space and you know im not. i mean, one second we're having a good time together and then you just shut me out for no reason. if i did something wrong i need you to tell me. i can't read your damn mind, y/n."

sometimes it feels like you can, you think with a snort, feeling slightly embarrassed by the angry look on her face. you collect yourself and cross your arms over your chest. "i just don't feel like talking to you right now, so if you could please get out now-"

"nope. not gonna leave until you tell me what's wrong."

sometimes you could forget just how damn stubborn she was. it mostly popped up on the ice, and you had once overheard her coach say that if she wasn't such a great player she'd be benched most of the time.

"do you realize how annoying you're being right now?"

"don't care."

"i don't give a shit if you have muscles, i can still kick your ass."

"i'd really like to see you try, princess."

you groan and cover your face, but not before raising them in a choking gesture. you walk backward and sit on your bed, trying to take a breather before anderson follows you and resting on the ground in front of you, her large palms smoothing up and down your thighs.

"please, y/n, just...just tell me what i did and i'll fix it, i promise."

you've never been one to cry. or maybe you had been when you were a young child before your father taught you that 'crying doesn't achieve success, at least not the kind you want.' but you can see how much abby cares about you in her eyes and you know that despite you being unreasonable she'll put up with it anyway. your eyes start to sting and you rest your head in the crook of her neck.

she doesn't force you to say anything more than you want, rubbing the expanse of your back while another hand gently pats your head. after a long minute, you pull your head up and find that the space between your two faces is almost nonexistent, your eyes dart from her eyes to her lips, and before you can say anything else her hand is on the back of your neck and she's bringing your lips down to hers.

its soft and sweet and her lips are soft and feel like heaven against yours, and she doesn't give you a second to be confused about what's happening because she's making the kiss deeper and pulling your body closer to hers by putting her arms under yours and pressing you in by the back of your shoulders. you throw your arms over her shoulders and behind her neck and decide that you're going to enjoy this moment for as long as you can.

but eventually, you need to breathe, pulling your head back and letting out a shaky breath of air when abby just moves her ministrations to your neck, sucking and biting on the skin until it bruises.

"i..i thought you were straight." is all you can manage to voice, the feeling of her body pressed into yours and her teeth nipping at your neck making your mind hazy.

she laughs and kisses your neck a few times before looking you in the eyes. "well, i never actually said i was, you just assumed so."

"seriously? you dated owen? he's the dullest straight girl choice i've ever met. and we live in washington" you scoffed.

"yeah, well. that was a long time ago. i've moved on to bigger and better things."

she plants a big overdramatic kiss on your cheek, repeating so on the other side of your face until she can see your smile and hear you giggle. when you both calm down a little she backs up and wears a more serious look on her face.

"i care about you. more than i've cared about anyone before." she smiles, her thumb rubbing over the back of one of your hands. "except maybe my dad, obviously. and nora, she was kinda my best friend before you. but you get what im trying to say."

you laugh and nod at her. "i understand. i...like you too. a lot."

"geez, you're seriously emotionally stunted. but i'll take what i can't get, you'll warm up to me eventually." she slaps her hands on your thighs, ignoring the annoyed look on your face before scooching your body up until you're laying down on your bed, her body gently flopping down onto yours.

"abby! get the hell off, you're wearing your outside clothes!"

"cmon, just five more minutes."

and as much as you complained during those five minutes, you both knew you didnt mind that much.

after that things were really nice. at least for the most part. you were officially abby's girlfriend, which she had asked if you wanted to be the day after you two semi-confessed your feelings. she knew that this kind of commitment was new to you, and the last time it didn't go so well for her, so you both decided it'd be best to take it slow.

(slow meaning you did everything you two did before with the added bonus of making out whenever you wanted. you weren't complaining.)

but keeping things on the down low was a bit of a struggle. abby was a huge fan of pda, always found hugging one of her teammates after a successful game or cuddling with someone on movie nights. she would hug you when you were just friends, but now that you were comfortable with her touching you more in private it started to bleed into public life, her hand looking for yours when walking around or giving you a kiss on the cheek after you aced another test.

the next problem was your friends. you had told nora over a late night phone call while manny had found out when he had walked into the living room of his and abbys shared dorm and found the two of you with your shirts off and kissing on the couch, shouting in both spanish and english about how his eyes burned but he was happy for you both.

you both knew you could trust the two of them with your 'secret', but you didn't expect that end-of-the-year party owen and manny decided to invite you both to.

it was a mix of things really. you were going to just spend time with your friends and nothing more, but you were feeling really pent up. when you and abby decided to take things slow, that also meant sex. which at first was all right with you, hookups were a lot different than sharing yourself with someone you really cared about. but abby was just so effortlessly hot, and now since hockey season was over she had more time to spend with you and it was driving you up the damn wall. it got to the point that you found yourself nearly always on the brink of an orgasm when after a long day she'd press you into her bed and kiss you until you felt dizzy.

so when she decided to go to the party in a tight long-sleeved top and a normal pair of jeans, you definitely should not have been all over her as you were.

(to be fair. she was also on you like white on rice. you had decided to don a tube top with a mini skirt, figuring it couldn't hurt to dress up a little for a simple party. especially since it made your girlfriend look at you like she wanted to eat you alive.)

after mingling a bit and getting yourself a drink, you meet up with some of your friends and start to talk to leah about some drama in one of her classes when abby rejoins you, moving your body so your body is resting into hers. you aren't used to such a public display of affection, but this alcohol is blurring any desire you had to hide that she was yours and you were hers.

"god, you guys are so cute together it makes me sick." nora laughs into her red solo cup, shaking her head at your adorable but annoying affection.

leah's eyebrows scrunch up and she starts to pinch at your arm. "wait, am i missing something? you two are dating?"

at that point, some other people were listening in and looking in at the two of you, including none other than owen moore. now, you and moore were always cordial, but you wouldn't call him a good friend like you would the others. you always felt that whenever he saw or heard about you abby spending time together or heard about how close you two had gotten so quickly, he would smile silently while staring at you like he wanted to burn lasers through your brain.

and he was doing the exact same thing now, his grip on his bear so tight you feared the glass would break. somehow you were the only one who noticed.

"yes, we're together. finally managed to convince this one that jocks aren't just big dumb idiots a few weeks ago." abby's talking breaks you out of your thoughts, her arms snaking around your waist and pulling you to sit on her lap.

you cant help but roll your eyes. "i never once said that."

"well you were thinking it. i could tell."

some of the people who you didnt know and who were friends of friends said congrats, how cute they thought the two of you were, etc. it kind of weirds you out to have all these people paying attention to you just because of who you were with, but abby's quips to any weird remarks you didn't want to acknowledge made you feel better about anything.

but later on, when the two of you are unseriously dancing in the living room, owen comes over and asks abby to talk in private, leaving you to dance with some girls you recognized from the last party. but after three songs pass and abby still hasn't come back, you get a weird feeling in your chest and decide to go looking for the two. you head upstairs and down a few hallways before you hear two voices in a heated argument, and after numerous visits to her games, you can recognize abby's yelling anywhere.

before you can knock on the door to ask if something is wrong, it opens and you see a red-faced owen, not even saying anything before he knocks into your shoulder and goes back downstairs, clearly ignoring your call of 'fucking dick' to his back.

you scoff and shake your head, turning back around to say something to abby before you slightly step back at the look on her face. its dark, like if owen didn't leave she would have kicked his ass first, and now it's trained at you. you know she'd never hurt you, though. partially because she cares about you too much, and partially because you always keep a taser in your back pocket whenever you go to a party.

"abby? what's wrong? did he fucking say something to you?

she laughs before grabbing your arm and pulling you into the room, shutting the door behind you and locking it. her long legs take seconds to reach the bed, her arm releasing when your body sits and bounces slightly on the bed as she stands above you.

"its...its nothing, just owen being a dick like always."

her voice is strained and her hands are tensing into fists, telltale signs that she was really pissed off. you hold her hands in yours, pressing little kisses to her knuckles. normally you hated being so sappy, but you knew that being cute with her was a quick way to calm her down.

"don't worry. i can guarantee one of these days someone is gonna kick his ass. unless i do it first, and you know i want to." you joke and smile when she laughs, gripping her hands so she can sit on the bed next to you.

"yeah, youre right."

"im always right. you should learn that if you wanna stick with me."

she shakes her head before looking at you in silence, and you feel your face get hot under her gaze. you'd never admit it to her but seeing her so angry really did something for you. the bottom of your leg rubs against hers, and her eyes dart down before trailing up your legs to the point where your skirt is starting to ride up your bare thighs.

"here, babe? seriously?"

you sigh, figuring she was right and having your first time together in some stranger's house during a party was horribly tacky. you start to move your leg before she grabs it and puts it on the bed before grabbing you and resting you in her lap.

"i didn't tell you to stop."

so yes, you did get tacky in a strangers house. and back in abby's dorm. and again after you both showered.

so if there was one thing you could ever thank owen for, it was finally giving you both the push you needed to take the next step in your relationship. but after that night things were a little strained, as abby and owen were on a no-contact basis, their fight having something to deal with them and maybe you although she wouldn't go into details, which just led to this drama also spreading to mel since she was dating owen and was always pretty neutral when it came to you and tense when it came to abby, and mel was close friends to leah who was now close to you and...

it was complicated.

but you were used to not having people around. you had abby, nora, manny, and tonya, and that was all you really needed. speaking of tonya, you don't think you've ever seen anyone as happy for someone else's relationship as you did when you told tonya that you and abby got together. she said it was 'half happy that you found someone for you and half happy that someone will finally get the stick out of your ass.'

but your bliss was partially broken when your mother called a week after you had your last finals to let you know she and her father were going to be visiting seattle to talk to you about something important. at this point you hadn't talked to either of your parents since winter when your dad had not so discreetly told you he would be on your ass about skiing again as soon as your leg was alright again. and you were definitely going to dread every minute you had to spend trying to cordial to them, don't even mention finally introducing them to your girlfriend who you so far had never told them about.

for a few days after the call, you must have been acting weird because abby could tell something was wrong and took you to a relaxing little cafe she had found when she first got to the city. you're sipping on a milkshake while abby does the same across from you, digging into her stack of blueberry pancakes, waiting for you to tell her what's going on while she talks about her schedule now that school is out.

"manny's gonna be gone for a month because of his music internship, so i was wondering if you wanted to come and stay at mine while he's gone. we can watch movies, dance to music, or we can practice those recipes i saw on tiktok."

"mhm, that sounds nice, babe." you continue to at least show minimal attention to what she's saying, briefly slurping at your shake until she speaks again.

"yup. but after that, i might have to leave for a while, i haven't seen my dad in forever and he wanted me to stay for two weeks while my aunt is visiting salt lake."

her words slowly die out when she notices how you stop slurping your drink, your eyes staring into space as your thumb scratches at your palm.

throughout your relationship, you had told abby the rundown of your relationship with your parents maybe once. at first, it was because it was a touchy subject and you would be embarrassed if she knew the reason for the way you acted the way you did and thought your baggage was too much for her.

and then it was because deep down you were jealous. they had their ups and downs, but abby had such a pure relationship with her father that sometimes it made you sick. while he didnt flaunt his wealth because of his principles, but abby would tell you about all the times when she was younger that her dad would give her the best birthday parties, take her with him to conferences around the world, and made sure she had anything she desired.

so when you had to tell her that the most your dad did was give you a break to be a normal adult instead of shaping you into a champion, you don't think there was ever a time that you secretly envied her more.

"this is about your dad, isn't it?" she whispered, reaching across the table to take your hand in hers. you nodded, relieved that your girlfriend could read you like a book and you didnt have to say it out loud.

"could you tell me more about it?"

shit.

you sighed, a deep breath leaving your body and clearing your head.

"my parents are gonna be here soon. said they wanted to talk to me about something "important", which means my dad thinks i've had enough time to recover from my leg being nearly snapped in two because he thinks he knows better than the doctor. but hey, maybe when i was gone he got another fuckin degree to throw in my face."

while you ranted abby never said a word, just paying close attention and providing you comfort. out of everyone in the crew, she was always the person people went to talk to when they needed it. she said it was something she got from her mom.

"all my life he's been like this. just pushing me and pushing me until im at the point of breaking until i use my anger to win. there's no doubt he's still doing it. heard my brother is being scouted at his games and he's only fifteen."

abby nods and presses a kiss to your hand, treading carefully with what she says next. "your dad sounds...horrible, honestly. he never...hit you did he?"

you feel your body jerk back and both of your eyes go big at your reaction.

"no, no he would never. im serious. wouldn't make sense from a logical standpoint, id be in front of other people all the time and any injuries would fuck up my skiing."

"well that's a bleak way of looking at it, but im glad he didnt. but the other shit is still bad."

"yeah. definitely not looking forward to dealing with that again in two weeks."

"i know, but im here, and im gonna stick by you every step of the way, alright? even if your parents find out they hate me and curse my bloodline."

you couldn't help but snort at her. "nobody could hate you, anderson. you would annoy them too much and make dirty bets against them."

"what? that wasn't a dirty bet! you'd just never seen my skills before and i used it to my advantage."

"whatever you say abs."

abbys reassurance and patience helped greatly, and by the time you met your parents at their hotel for breakfast, you weren't nervous about whatever bullshit they had to say.

but for some odd reason, they were very cordial. your mom asked you about school, how your grades were, and how you liked your chosen major. when it got to the point if you were seeing anyone, you not so subtly gushed about abby and she seemed really happy for you. your dad even praised you for picking another sportsman, avoiding your look while he ate his eggs.

a week later you even had the courage to introduce them to abby, who told you she would cook something for all of you to eat.

that tiktok recipe she was talking about? it was ratatouille. and you had to admit it was delicious, and you wondered how abby was so good at so many things and she told you when she was a kid she wanted to learn how to do basically everything and her dad was more than happy to indulge her. sometimes you really wondered how she didn't appear to be so spoiled.

but your girl was nothing if not a charmer, and by the end of the night your mom was gushing over how much she liked abby and thought she was a great match for you.

your dad was...your dad. he acted polite, asking abby about her intentions, if she was dedicated to her studies and sports and you at the same time. blah blah blah. abby gave perfect human resources-like answers that she knew would make you giggle and loosen up.

once dinner was over your mother insisted on staying a little while longer to watch a movie, finding out she and your girlfriend both had soft spots for mamma mia and grease and planned to drink some wine and let loose for once. while the two were watching meryl streep panic on screen your dad tapped you on the shoulder and asked if he could speak to you in private, and you were mentally prepared to get into yet another argument.

"i know i'm the last person who gets to say this but..you've seemed to have really grown this past year. I'm proud of you."

"thanks. i guess."

he sighs, shifting on his feet. "i know i've always been hard on you and your brothers. i just-i knew that if you had guidance you could be phenomenal at whatever you do."

"yeah, dad, but that doesn't mean forcing me to train for ten hours a day when i was still in third grade." you could list more instances of him being overbearing and partially ruining your childhood, but you don't feel like being the person who makes the conversation go sour.

"i know. trust me, i know. look, your mother has us going to a shrink and...one of the steps is asking for forgiveness and whatever mumbo jumbo."

you almost snort but pass it off as a sneeze. your dad in therapy was about as believable as a talking donkey.

"well, it's nice to hear dad but it's not gonna be just as easy as being nice to me and my girlfriend for a night."

"i know. which is why i wanted to show you this."

he pulls out and his phone and after a few taps shows you an article. you read the word 'olympics' and nearly blow before he cuts you off.

"just listen, alright? one of the big coaches was caught and fired for doping a bunch of the players, so they're postponing the winter games for another few years for investigations to see if there's any more misconduct."

"are you serious?"

"deadly. and i know with your leg and your schooling you'll have your hands full but, i figured the best way i knew how to bond with you was to help you. it'd be enough time to get extensive physical therapy and train up. but only if you want to."

"dad, i. i really don't know what to say."

"you don't have to say anything, at least not now. just promise me you'll think about it, alright? and if by next spring you still don't want to, I'll never bring it back up again."

after that, your mother comes and says they should get going to get enough sleep for their flight tomorrow, and you bid your parents goodbye with stiff hugs and a genuine smile.

for the next few months into your sophomore year your on the fence. when you were a kid, despite the pain and the tears and the bruises, there was nothing you loved more than skiing. you swear that the adrenaline rushes you would get speeding down slopes were better than anything you've ever experienced, even sex.

(when abby heard you say that one night on the couch, she pouted and wouldn't touch you for a week, telling you to go back to those stupid slopes if that's how you felt.)

but the point was that you were basically going through a beginning life crisis. either stick with the new normal you've created and potentially miss out on fulfilling your childhood dreams, or take a risk and potentially come out more damaged than before.

you were planning on spending the next thanksgiving mulling it over, but to your shock baby invited you to come with her to her dad's house for thanksgiving with her family. when checking in with her to see if she and her dad would be ok with this big step, she told you it was actually her dad's idea and she'd be more than happy to have you meet her family.

you swear to god you have never been more nervous on a plane than you were on the flight to salt lake, only being soothed by the constant free drinks you get in first class, the six hundred page book in your hands, and abbys large hand constantly rubbing on your thigh and back. you suggested that you both join the mile-high club as a joke and she seemed a little too into it.

"babe please, i promise ill be quick. i can even put my fingers in your mouth."

"abby, i was just joking. im not gonna do that and get kicked off the plane. god, you're so fuckin weird."

"you make me weird. pretty please? ill pull out the puppy eyes."

"i really don't give a fuck."

and you come to find out that abby's stories were true because her dad is so weirdly nice. he greets you at the airport like he's known you all your life, and is eager to find conversation the whole drive to his house where you both are staying.

you were glad that like you abby had a smaller family, or at least one she spent thanksgiving with. after her father you only had to introduce yourself to her aunt and her small family, a husband who you have to look down at and likes to boast about his coin collection, and three children. the eldest, ashley, was closer in age to you and abby and was clearly abby's favorite cousin. the middle child was a wild child named kris, who didn't seem at all phased that you were a stranger and kept asking you if you'd ever heard of their favorite anime series.

now, you've never been the best with children, you repeatedly told your mother to throw your baby brother in the trash when you were six, but you couldn't help but fawn over abby's baby cousin lyle, the cutest infant you've ever seen who after a few hours of fussing because of the time change, he calms down into a smiling drooling little thing who, although he keeps tugging at your hair when his mom hands you to him, seemed to actually enjoy your presence and laughs like its the funniest thing ever.

you didnt catch the way abby looked at you fondly while you were playing around with her cousin or the way she swatted her father away when he called her out on it.

so thanksgiving was easy, a peaceful week full of meeting kind people and eating some surprisingly good food. but you didn't even get a week of peace after before abby brought it up.

christmas.

yes the holiday was full of joy and warmth when you were a child. but after a mini teenage rebellion and your energy you just...gave up on the holiday completely. last year you spent it alone inside your dorm which wasn't the worst thing on earth. you got to watch corny feel-good movies like national lampoons, drink hot chocolate with extra marshmallows, and had free reign to the library since the librarian apparently used to watch your games on tv. it wasn't like it used to be, but it was enough.

"so, you're coming with us to the cabin right?" nora reaches across the library table and takes one of your fries from the fast food you sneaked in. for some reason she refused to order her own fries, content to pluck the ones from your container.

"what? what cabin?"

"god, abby hasn't told you about this by now? i thought she would have taken you there already and made it her love shack or something." she quickly ducks her head when you toss a burnt fry at her, looking around to make sure no one saw. "it's her dad's cabin at one of the ski ranges in the mountains, she invites us every year for christmas break or new years if we can't make it."

"first, you're a perv. second, i don't know why she hasn't told me about it. id probably tease her for it anyway."

"well when you see her next ask her, because you definitely have to come with us this year."

"i don't know, nors. you know how i feel about skiing right now..."

"you don't have to ski! we literally never do, as sad as it is. we just hang out, go out for drinks, and hit the skiing town. im telling you cold resort parties are insane."

you take a minute to mull it over, staring into space as you tap your fingers on the hardwood table. nora fingers tap on the top of your hand.

"i understand you're going through things, with your dad and all. you don't have to come if you don't want to. but i know we'd really enjoy it if you came, especially abby."

you nod and eat another fry before gegging back to the novel you were reading, some 'all-time classic' abby had said you had to read.

you saw abby a few hours after that, yet again staying the night at her dorm to kick off the following weekend. when you entered using your spare key the smell of chinese food instantly hit you, and it took you by surprise since abby normally insisted on cooking for you and manny.

you set down your things and kicked off your shoes before heading into the little kitchenette, hearing the sound of rather loud whispers that stopped as soon the roommates saw you, noodles stuffed into both of their mouths.

"what the fuck are yall starin at?"

manny snorts before making some weird excuse for leaving, telling you he's meeting up with some meteorology student at a bar and he won't be home until tomorrow. you bid him. a quick goodbye before turning back to abby, the blonde picking through her food.

its only then that you notice the gauze wrapped around her palm, quickly cross the threshold to gently but firmly raise her hand up to your face to observe it.

your about to go on a triade when you see that sad pout on her face.

"tell me who did this to you." you grumble, putting on a fake deep voice.

she chuckles and shakes her head. "you're so weird."

"only because of you. tell me what happened."

"i was trying to cook before we ordered takeout and i just...got distracted and burned my hand. its not a big deal, don't worry about it."

you tell by the way her shoulders were tensing that she was getting into one of her moods, always hating when she failed at something and hating even more when people kept asking her about it.

"well im always gonna worry about, something that's also your fault by the way. what made you distracted."

"nothing."

"abs."

"please just drop it."

"abigail."

she groans before slumping her head into her arms on the counter.

so you decide to drop it. at least for a little while. you put away the rest of the food, deciding to eat the box she bought for you after her mood had been resolved before figuring you'd leave her alone while you took a shower.

but if there was one thing you knew about abby, it was that she took 'golden retriever energy' to a whole nother level. aka most of the time she couldn't leave you alone and followed you near everywhere. after only a few minutes, you heard the shower door open and felt her large arms circle around your waist and her head rest on your shoulders.

"i wanna ask you something. there's this cabin my dad owns that we all head to for winter break and stuff-"

you felt your heart skip a beat. to be honest part of the reason you were nervous about abby asking you this was because you were second-guessing yourself and your relationship. you hadn't even been together for a full year at this point, and even if you knew you loved her and that she adored you, you didnt want to be the one to bring up this thing she does with people she's known for years and get your heart damaged.

"and i wanted to invite you to go with us because i just know youd make it feel so much more special."

"i feel like a 'but' goes at the end of that sentence."

she rubs her head into your shoulder more, kissing at the soft and wet skin of your shoulder blade.

"i didn't tell you much. about my fight with owen. but everyone knows we haven't been talking much, but he's still been my friend since elementary, and i was hoping that maybe during the trip we could resolve things. but if he ever said something to you or about you i think id go fucking crazy."

your turn around and hold her head in your hands. her body is still slumped so her head is more at your level and her pretty blue eyes stare right into yours.

"i appreciate that. your slight anger issues make me feel honored." a smile quirks on her face and she nuzzles her head into your palms more. "and as much as he pisses me off, i don't know how i feel about causing a greater rift between you and your friends. ive only been with you less than a hear, he's known you for-"

"year or not doesn't matter. you mean...so much to me i can't put into words. the only reason i was nervous all day was that i didnt know how to make this sound like i wasn't putting him before you because i wouldn't. ever."

you look at her a bit longer, swiping away wet pieces of her hair back from her face so you can see all of her. because she's looking at you like she can do the same.

you both take an intimate shower without a word, helping the other bathe and lather her hair in apricot shampoo she's become addicted to. once you exit, dry off, and change into some matching fluffy pajamas she bought for you both, you finally head back to the kitchen to eat your food before turning on a movie.

it was only because you both decided to choose some random movie that the stupid thought crossed into your mind.

"could you imagine if we were that touchy all the time? we're already halfway there and it drives your friends nuts." you poked her cheek while you were resting on her, her arm wrapped around your shoulders while your legs intertwined on the couch.

"what do you mean?"

"just like, overdoing it. always with an arm around the other, making eyes across the room. if you wanna get extreme you could carry me on your back."

"or i could carry you on my front."

the shift of her hips and the tone of her voice makes you turn your head to look at her, nearly busting out laughing at the way her eyes are glued to the screen while she chews on her lower lip.

"stop doing that."

"doing what? im watching the movie. watch the movie with me."

"this is just like on the plane. y'know i was kidding about the exhibitionist thing at first-"

"baby, please."

"please what?"

she groaned while you just giggled at her, moving your bodies so she was sitting up on the couch and you were on top of her, adjusting your hips so you were straddling her waist.

"what're you thinking about, bunny?"

a subtle whine escaped from her throat and you smirked in triumph. there was nothing your girl loved more than being called the softest and cutest pet names, and you would frequently use it to your advantage, like the time when she refused to help you cheat on a test 'on principle' and you rested your face on her thigh from under the desk with a 'please, princess?' and she happily gave you the answers after roughly grinding herself on your tongue.

"i just...maybe if we played it up at the cabin owen would finally fuck off and realize im yours. i just thought it'd be funny."

you felt a warm feeling in your chest at the thought, showing your girl all the affection she craved from you on an idyllic vacation while also showing that dick owen who's boss. maybe then he'd finally let whatever his issue with you go. or not. at this point you didnt care.

"ok. we can do it."

"what? are you serious? i was half joking. i don't wanna make you do anything you don't want to-"

you cut off her sweet rambles with a press of your lips to hers. her arms brought you in closer until your breasts were squished into hers.

when abby texted the group chat the next morning next to you in bed to let the others know you'd be joining, you couldn't help but feel warm at the replies.

manny : thank god, i need a drinking partner since no one ever wants irish hot chocolate

leah : because the last time you made it you got drunk by five pm and kept singing baby its cold outside while doing both parts

jordan : and badly

manny : haters

nora : omg thank god

nora : this is all because of me btw

nora : tell y/n we're gonna have sooo much fun

manny : wait is she gonna ski

jordan : stop.

you giggled at your friends' antics. you were already imagining all the crazy things that would happen on the trip and happily listened to all the stories abby had to tell you.

mel : cant wait for the trip! hoping ben's is still open.

owen : 👍🏻

a snort escaped from you. "oh hes so pissed."

"definitely." abby agreed before turning the phone off and snuggling into your neck to relax for a little while longer. "prepare, he's probably just gonna get angrier from our masterful plan."

"technically my plan. and are you sure you still wanna do it? i don't wanna drive a wedge between you guys."

"he started that at that party. either he's gonna deal with me changing for the better or im gonna leave him in the dust. now shush, im going to sleep."

your hand smooths through abby's locks as she drifts back into sleep, and you soon follow her into it, dreaming of pale snow and the sight of the slopes.

the nex two weeks before break starts you're horrifically busy, finishing up some tests while also buying and packing everything you'll need for the trip. which is really just an excuse for you to get a bunch of those cute thick sweaters you saw on ebay but that's neither here nor there.

once your last class was finished abby immediately called an uber to take you to the airport, citing that as the host she always headed to the cabin earlier than everyone else to fix it up and stock up on little things, everyone would need or forget like extra blankets and lots and lots of water. during the trip to the airport, waiting in the airport since you were both 'get there hours before the flight' girls, and on the flight itself, abby was telling you stories of the cabin and what has happened on the past few trips that you should know about.

apparently, the cabin (in aspen, which you teased her was so basic) was bought by her grandparents (more teasing) for family trips when her dad was little. but as his siblings got older and started their own families the trips dwindled down, until his parents decided to just leave the place to him, telling him not to sell it for anything since it was worth a fat load of cash by now. hed take abby and her mom there before she passed, and then once she turned sixteen told her he trusted her enough to bring her friends up there if they could.

"honestly, i think it was part of him being nice and feeling sad we didn't spend much time together then. we were still mourning and he was always working." she sinks into her first-class seat, sipping on her complimentary ginger ale can. "but we're better now, and i get to have a laid-back vacation with my friends every year."

"sounds like a win-win to me. traumatic way you got there and all."

"you of all people saying that is hilarious, truly."

a few hours of talking and napping later and you've landed in colorado, a rental car waiting for you in the airport parking lot.

"abs, you are so secretly bougie. like, why didn't you rent a private car that time yours was in the shop and we were stuck in the rain downtown?"

"it's for emergencies and the necessary."

driving through the roads of aspen snowmass is something close to magical. at this point, the sun has set and the twinkling lights of the villages are everywhere, and you can see a plethora of christmas decorations inside shop windows.

when abby parks outside of the cabin your jaw is close to dropping, and you have to hold it up once you step inside. there was obviously a lot of wood, making up the floors, walls, and beams that connect both. but it was also decorated with relaxed brown and cream furniture.

"i want you to know if we get married, im not signing a prenup."

abby cackles before sneaking up behind you and tickling your waist, cackling at your shriek followed by a scowl.

"'if' babe, really? nice to know you're so committed."

"i'll be more committed if you give me a tour of this place."

the cabin was big, of course. enough bedrooms for your whole group and a few more. you honestly couldn't pick your favorite. there was a game room with a pool table you were just itching to beat jordan and leah at, a hot tub outside on the deck looking down onto the village that looked like the perfect place to drink champagne with nora talking shit about her recent ex.

"now, this is what i really wanted you to see," abby smiles before pushing open a wide set of doors on the upper floor and revealing to you the grand bedroom. there's a giant bed against the back wall, with a warm little nook tucked into a bay window.

"it's so nice here abs, really. i can't wait for everyone to get here so we can start doing stuff." you drop your bags by the front of the bed and flop your behind onto it, loving the way it bounces you up and down a bit. and you can tell that abby also loves it by the way she's staring at the way your boobs jiggle.

"im glad you like it, baby. but we don't have to wait for the others to get here to have some fun." a pervy little smile lights up her face and she starts inching towards you, making stupid little grabby hands as she does so.

"you're insatiable. aren't we supposed to be making sure this place is ready for everyone else?"

"wasn't it your idea for us to play everything up for fun? that includes sex. a lot of it. strap-ons are allowed on planes, by the way. and other things."

"...seriously?"

"seriously."

at this point, her arms are caging you into the plush of the comforter, and you don't know whether to look at the veins in her arms or her eyes or her mouth-

"you're staring, pretty."

"well you're all i can see, gorgeous."

she presses a soft kiss to the underside of your chin, her tounge poking out to lick down your neck.

"god, abs, please."

"please what?"

you groan and she just laughs at you.

the hardest part of being a switch was that abby could just throw shit back in your face when she became more dominant. it was both infuriating and arousing.

“im not gonna say it."

"you sure?" her large hand slips beneath the band of your pants until its resting over your underwear, teasing you.

"yes i a-am!" your refusal is cut off when two of her thick fingers slide inside of you, filling you up in the most delicious way. it doesn't help your case that there's no restriction, the wetness between your thighs letting her know just how much you were enjoying this.

"y'know, your master plan isn't exactly gonna work if you have an attitude with me, baby." her words are gravelly as she speakes into the crease of your neck, occasionally looking up at you to ingrain your reactions into her memory.

"god, abs."

"this is one the things i love most about you acting like a brat, just means i get to fuck and love on you until it goes away. and i've got all the time in the fuckin world."

just when you start getting close to your orgasm, you could've sworn in the distance you heard the sound of a door opening before closing a few minutes later. the feeling of abby kissing you and adding a third finger inside of you. you decided to just drop it

later on, after a nice long shower and putting on this cute warm sweater you bought, you and abby decided it was time to head out and get enough groceries to last for around two weeks until everyone else would arrive and decide what meals they would want after. it was very entertaining to watch abby standing in a fluorescently lit market aisle decide if she wanted to make a giant chicken pot pie or some creamy chicken soup one of her teammates told her about. she just stuck her tongue out when you looked at her.

once you returned to the cabin you could hear some music coming from inside the house, and despite your initial worry abby just smiled and rushed inside, your brain seriously wondering if you had chosen correctly romantically.

you headed inside with a few of the bags, setting them on the kitchen counters before heading to the source of the music that appeared to be coming from the living room. once you cross the threshold you are happily surprised to see your girlfriend and manny talking and laughing in the middle of the room.

"ah! nice to know abs hasn't broken you already." manny comes over to give you a big hug before setting you down and shaking your shoulders, just laughing when you start smacking his hands.

"jeez, what is with you guys? be normal."

"you forget im abby's roommate. this is because of you. you gave me this trauma."

you roll your eyes before patting him on the shoulder.

"ok, ok. why did you come early? when do the others get here?" abby asks from her place still on the couch.

"what, i cant just come because i love and miss two of my best friends."

the room is silent as you both stare at him.

"well just so you know, that was half true. but also," he looks down a dark hallway before tugging you closer to the couch so he can speak quietly. "mel and owen are here."

you blink. "thats...odd."

"very odd, but maybe it's a good thing? who knows, maybe owen's gotten over the whole fight and wants to put it to bed." abby turns to you, those big blue eyes filled with hope that you don't have the heart to squash with a joke.

"yeah, maybe."

"well if he did do that, i don't think he's in the mood for it now." manny chuckles.

"why not?"

"he was confused to see a car in the driveway, so he came by two hours ago and left like two minutes later. his face was as red as a tomato, you know how he looks when he's flushed."

oh my god.

you turned to abby and her cheeks were puffed, a clear sign she was trying not to laugh.

well, it looks like your plan was already working.

the next three days were more laid back, just spent taking a chance to relax and sleep in after your grueling semester. you decided to spend these days exploring more of the cabin, admiring all of the rooms and the random really pretty art pieces on some of the walls.

you swore that nothing could beat the bliss you felt on that second day, waking up to the faint sun in your eyes and abby gently snoring next to you, deciding to cook up a bunch of waffles, one of the meals you excelled at, and read a four hundred page book on the sofa.

(the plan was still in motion at this point, just more tame.

once jordan, leah, and nora came things really took a turn for the exciting. after hearing that you'd been cooped in the house these past few days, leah insisted you come with them to some bars and other hot spots around town. you hadn't been drinking much lately but figured that since you were surrounded by people you trusted and a bunch of strangers you'd be able to handle yourself.

and you did.

for the most part.

you just weren't expecting the bartender to be the chillest girl you've ever met and make a killer strawberry daiquiri, because before you knew it they were playing some old-school song over the speakers and were hanging off of leah's arm like a koala.

"oh my god, im so glad you invited me out. this place rules. have you tried the daiquiris? serenity said she'd make me one more but you can have it."

"her name is trinity, and you're getting touchy. where's abs?"

you shrug and she shakes her head, looking over your shoulders to see if she can spot the hulking blonde. she waves someone over and then abby is in your vision, a soft expression on her face as she tugs your body into hers.

"how much have you had to drink, baby?"

"mmmm, not too much. i could walk in a gay line. look, i even made a corny joke!"

"yes, you did." she squats down a little bit and you wrap your arms around her neck and your legs around her waist, trying to restrain yourself from making any noises when she lifts you with ease to the amusement of some of the people in the bar.

"how about we head back and take a long bath, pretty. ill even try those rose face masks you bought."

you were about to agree when out of the corner of your eye you catch owen, sitting inside a booth with jordan and manny, sparing looks in your direction.

you smirk down at her and she can already guess what you're thinking, tightening her grip on your hips.

"or we can do that later. and dance now."

you nod and loosen your legs for her to drop you but she just holds you tighter for a moment, leaning her head up to place a heated kiss on your lips before pulling away, fighting to ignore the tiny string of spit that connects your lips to hers.

"ok. now we can dance."

abby told you the next day that owen had asked to talk to her one on one in the morning and she didn't really understand what it meant. he apologized for lashing out at her, apparently, but still didnt agree with some of the 'drastic changes to her personality' that were happening lately.

you really tried to promise her that you wouldn't cuss him out, telling you she'd handle it later after having a conversation with manny to figure out when the hell he started acting like this.

focus on tried.

you and nora were in the kitchen that night making cups of hot chocolate, taking the chance to top them with all the stuff you weren't allowed to as a child. also probably increasing your risks of cavities, but whatever, it was nostalgic. you were laughing at the absurd abundance of whipped cream in her mug and the three candy canes in yours when you heard footsteps coming into the kitchen, looking over to see owen looking over some things in the fridge.

you looked at nora. she looked at you.

"so owen, how are things going with mel?"

his hand pauses over some leftover noodles, gripping it with a fist.

"we're great actually, thanks for asking norsie."

noras eye twitches, bumping into your shoulder before leaving the room to rest in the kitchen and wait for you before starting a movie.

owen turns and suddenly its just the two of you. staring at each other. you with a three-caned hot cocoa and he with a tupperware of linguine.

"what's your fucking problem."

his eyebrows shoot up, almost like he wasn't expecting you to actually bring up the tension at hand.

"y/n, is this really the time-"

"yes, it is the goddamn time to ask you why you've been acting like a dick to me and my girlfriend."

his mouth quirks downwards and you nearly laugh at the realization of the words, the glances, how he would look at abby sometimes like a kicked puppy even when his damn girlfriend sat on his lap, it was all because he couldn't move the fuck on.

"seriously? that's the reason? you've been putting me, putting abby through hell because you're still hung up over her? this is my worst gay nightmare."

"it's because ever since she's been with you shes been different, always acting like she's some better person now that she's over me. like i was the thing holding her back. how do you think that makes me feel, huh?"

you stare at him after his quiet outburst, his face that signature shade of pink and his eyes enraged. but he doesn't scare you.

you walk closer to him, entertained by the way she avoids you like the plague, and presses his back into the refrigerator. you want to lash out more, to scream at him until your throat is sore, to whisper all the little flaws about him you've noticed over the past year that are driving everyone away, but you won't.

"i hope it makes you feel like the heap of shit you are. goodnight, moore."

when abby feels you snuggle into her later that night, feeling your hands squeeze into her stomach from behind you, she asks if everything is ok, and you press a kiss to her cheek and tell her to go back to sleep.

the next morning it's christmas eve, and everyone is in the dining room eating breakfast and talking about how everyone somehow has no plans when you make a suggestion for the day.

"i wanna go hit the slopes today."

you swear most of them look at you like you've grown another head that just started trying to sing the tequila song.

manny continues chewing his eggs before giving you a thumbs up, but you can tell he's secretly been waiting for this. after you first met he asked you if you've ever skied again after your accident and then dropped it when you gave him a death glare. but since you've gotten closer he knows more about how it's not that you can't ski, but almost as if there was a mental block that stopped you from doing so.

"uhm...sure. i can see if we can do that. are you sure you want to?" abby rests her arms on the table and leans her head into yours, trying to give a sense of privacy for your answer.

"i'm not made of glass, abby. it's about time i get back out there. its the only way i'll known for sure about what my dad said."

"what'd your dad say?" mel speaks up from the opposite side of the table, her hand rested over owen's on top of the wood.

you straighten your shoulders. "some stupid doping scandal got the olympics postponed, and my dad said if i wanter he thinks he could get me back in shape by then to apply."

"holy shit! i mean, it's your choice obviously, but that's cool as hell. i think you should do it." jordan exclaims, sipping on his orange juice through a straw.

"wait, what about your leg? you've only had problems with it a couple of times, but is it alright enough to go ski?" nora asks. she was the one who besides abby you've told the most about your skiing problems, and once took you to the pharmacy to pick up your pain meds like it was no hassle.

"it's better if i don't push myself too much, but the blue and reds should be a piece of cake."

you look at abby, and even though she has no idea why you've had this sudden change of heart, she can hear the subtle excitement in your voice and nods her head at you with a smile.

thanks to everyone always waking up at the break of dawn for some reason, you're checked in to the slopes and ready to go only three hours later. jordan and manny even decided to join you and try their hands at the bunny slopes, the rest of the group deciding to find somewhere to sit and relax while they watched you all.

"mama please, you're embarrassing me." manny groans while you tilt his head from side to side to make sure all of the straps for his helmet and goggles are secure. you weren't about to have him getting a concussion and blaming you for bringing him here or the workers for their sloppy job.

"no one knows better ski safety than me. now shush, I'm almost done."

once you were finished you gently smacked his head and headed to the side of where the slope ends, abby beaming at you from over the rail. she was wearing this cute little beanie she bought for the trip and this all-black bomber jacket that made her look so much bigger than she already is.

"hello? babe, did you hear what i said?" abby's hand waves in front of your face bringing you back to focus. you slowly blink and she shakes her head. "you're so weird."

"again, i get that from you."

"whatever." her gloved hand rests on your face and she brings you closer so she can press a soft kiss onto your lips. when she tries to pull away but your arms are wrapping around her neck and pulling her body into yours, starting an impromptu makeout session before jordans wolf call yanks you out of it.

her fingers reach up to push a strand of hair back into your helmet. "are you sure you'll be ok up there? if your leg hurts just pull over to the side and i'll try to come up and help you-"

you cut her off with another kiss. "i'll be fine, princess. don't worry about me. just worry about all those losers I'm gonna show up."

she laughs that cute and loud little laugh of hers and sends you off, waving to you multiple times when she sees you go up the lift.

once you are at the top you go over everything again, making sure all of your equipment is snug, the track in front of you is good, and your skis are tight and before you know it you're standing at the top of the slope breathing heavy and feeling like you're about to have a panic attack.

your head feels like it's on fire and you swear that you are close to passing out when someone taps on your shoulder. you turn around and it's some teen by his face unobstructed by the goggles, a go-pro attached to his helmet.

"hey, sorry if i'm being annoying but, you're y/n l/n right?"

you nod, hoping he can't see the strained expression on your face.

"i just wanted to say that i think you're like, so cool. i saw that video of you training for the super g at thirteen and it changed my life, seriously."

your head felt a bit better at the memory. the adrenaline you got skiing down slopes at top speeds and then dodging the flags your father asked the owners if he could put on the track to help you train. they were nice people, and even let you pick what flags you wanted. a mix of pink and black.

"thank you. i swore that training took everything out of me. but at least i didn't have to worry about how i was doing in algebra."

he laughs and bobs his head. he clears his throat before slightly hopping on his two feet.

"you ok, kid?"

"yes, yeah, i just... ya see i have this youtube channel where i post videos of me riding down the slopes, helping beginners, trying the harder slopes, and stuff like that." he taps the go bro on his helmet. "and i was wondering if you wanted to do like, a friendly little race? i don't know, you don't have to i know you're leg is probably still healing, i can just go if you wa-"

"i'll do it."

his eyes bulge, surprised at your answer. you have to admit you're slightly surprised too. you weren't planning on doing anything more than inching your way down the intermediate slope a few times, but the memory of the super g has energy suddenly rushing through you. besides, it'd be a nice distraction from everything else. your dad. owen. you.

when you both get to the edge of the slope, you let him know you'll give him a twenty-second head start before you follow. he nods, and a few seconds later you're skiing for the first time in years.

and it feels fucking great.

at the speeds you are going the wind is whipping across the unprotected parts of your face, the stinging cold keeping you focused as you turn around trick hills and get your legs used to the feeling of slight strain. but your legs feel fine, and that makes you feel even better.

before long you can see the kid ahead of you and your friends in the close distance, nora's red coat bobbing up and down as she cheers for you. only five seconds after you pass your fan and can hear his slight spluttering before you're bringing your skis to a stop and the ice is flying from underneath them.

your heart is pounding as the kid, who tells you his name is aidan, thanks you for 'kicking his ass, i swear it'll get so many views". he tells you he'll tag you, and you do him one better by saying you'll follow him back and you're a little scared he's about to have a heart attack before he leaves to check in with his parents.

"oh my god oh my god oh my god! that was so fucking cool! i really thought you were gonna wipe out there for a second but I'm glad you didn't." leah squeezes your body in a hug rocking you from side to side. "are you gonna go again? if you do i swear I'll put on some skis and go down the bunny slope."

you throw your head back with a laugh, imagining leah slowly going down the snow while pizza and french frying her skis. you bask in the compliments given to you by nora who was watching the whole time and manny who tells you he successfully completed the green slope with no falls or bumps. you feel the urge to talk to abby, to have her tell you she's proud of you when you see her near one of the equipment cabins, talking to owen.

"are you gonna go again or do you wanna stop for the day?"

you look at nora with a grin. "yeah, i'll go again."

later that night, after a few more hours of racing your friends and even seeing a few more fans who recognized you, even one lady who said she remembered you based on your form, everyone is headed back to the house to end the day after getting some drink from the community lodge

for some reason, abby hasn't talked to you since, and based on what you saw you're preparing for the damn worst. a small part of you knows you might be overreacting, that there's no way she would fall for the bullshit more had to say to her, but her avoidance of you isn't helping that little part take charge.

like she could read your mind, she's on your tail and following you into your bedroom, taking off her clothes as you do the same but still no word before you head into the shower. under the heat of the water, you rest your head on the wall and close your eyes to try to center yourself. you know abby, you know how much she's done for you. owen wasn't going to get in the way of that and you refused to let him.

you dry yourself off, brush your teeth, moisturize your body, and decide not to put on your pajamas and just this cute robe abby bought for you before leaving the bathroom. after turning off the lights you stop in your tracks, abby sitting on the side of the bed and staring at you.

your feet slowly carry you closer to her before she rolls her eyes and tugs you onto her lap. your face is neutral, even when you can feel the bulge inside of her sweatpants. you tilt your head and she replicates it.

"let me guess, you got an attitude again?"

"you're a fucking hypocrite."

"wh?" her face jerks back in confusion. "what are you talking about?"

"don't play fucking dumb with me abigail. biggest personal growth moment for me in forever and you spend it talking to your damn ex, who if you didn't catch it is still hung up on you, by the way."

"i know, just let me explain-"

"no, i don't want to know. if you're just doing all this as some fucked up way to let me down gently i swear to god-"

you get cut off when one of her hands moves from your waist to cover your mouth, her eyes drooping when you nip at her palm.

"stop it. you know i wouldn't do something that shitty to you, please stop being so paranoid." she waits to gauge your reaction before she decides that you aren't likely to cut her off, softly rubbing at the skin under your eye. "please don't cry."

"im not gonna cry."

"just wanted to make sure. because i care about you, and that's what i was letting owen know that when he was being a jealous dick about you skiing earlier. told him I'm this close to kicking him to the curb for good."

"wait really? what'd he say? i bet he was pissed when i skied over that stuck stump, probably wishes i rode over it and fucking broke my back."

"jeez, you really do despise him." she shakes her head, smiling and rubbing her hands on your thighs. "but yes, he was wondering if maybe now that you were fine to ski you were trying to upstage me or something."

"and do you? and why were you ignoring me?"

she sighed. "literally the opposite. you're just...so amazing, and funny, and talented, and i just know soon you'll be this olympian and wont wanna deal with me and my dumb ex anymore."

"i mean, i am amazing you're right about that," you brag, giggling when she pinches you. "but i'd deal with anything to be with you. i don't even have the words. i wouldn't have gotten on that slope without you always pushing me, despite how annoying i may find it."

abby's' face is beaming and suddenly she's kissing you like you're air, leaning back into the bed so you can hover over her. she stops kissing you just to move her ministrations to all over your face, repeating little 'i love you's' as she does so, reveling in the little hums that leave your throat.

"ok, are we done being sappy so we can fuck now?" your question ends in a squeak when her palm slaps your ass. you look at her with a glare and she just dopily smiles at you, gripping your hips to flip you underneath her.

"y'know, owen and mel picked the room right next to ours." she grinds her hips into yours, the friction of the strap rubbing against you heightened since your robe was riding up to show her bare cunt.

"god, you want me to be loud, don't you?"

"mmhm." she grins as her hand moves down to push the band of her pants down, the feeling of the toy grinding out forcing you to bite your lip to hide your moan, embarrassed by how quickly she could make you want it. her thumbs moves to pull your lip from between your teeth.

she continues humping you until she can see you're wet enough to slide in, looking for your nod to push the strap into you, groaning as it just slides in.

"y/n, we barely did any foreplay-"

"shut up, please shut up."

for some reason she takes that as a sign to start thrusting, reveling in your moans as they finally start to pick up volume. you try to bite the back of your hand when she pulls it away, holding it in hers and holding it above your head. the action is so sweet it almost makes you cry, instead thrusting your head up to press a sweet kiss to her lips.

"mm, love when you're all sweet like this honey. wanna stay like this forever, love you so fuckin much i swear to god." she accentuates her last couple of words with short but harsh thrusts that knock the breath out of your lungs. your orgasm is fast approaching at this rate, and she can tell by the way your eyes are fluttering and your hand is squeezing hers.

"you gonna cum? huh? gonna cum all over me baby?" you nod your head, not trusting the words and sounds that are coming out of your throat. she moves her hand down to rub at your clit and suddenly your stomach is pulsing and your orgasm is hitting you like a truck, abby's following after yours as she's groaning into your neck and thrusting harder to grind the base of the strap into her clit.

it takes a minute for both of you to calm down, the bliss overtaking the both of you.

"was...was that loud enough?" you whisper and feel her silent laugh on top of you, rubbing your leg over the back of hers.

she pushes her head up enough to look you in the eyes, and you really regret asking the question because she's got that dumb-ass smile back on her face and shaking her head.

only a few minutes later she's got you on all fours, leg propped up as she forces your hips back and forth on her dick. and then after that she makes you ride her, and then the position she knows you're obsessed with: her fucking you while standing up.

"a-abs! abby! oh my god!" your throat is sore as her fingers grip the meat of your thighs, the force of her bouncing you and thrusting her hips up getting you closer and closer to euphoria. your eyes are closed and your head is tilted back, doing anything to avoid the way she's looking at you like you're some goddess she's been blessed to witness.

"just a little bit more baby. cmon, tell me how much you love it."

"i do! fuck abby, love it so much."

"love what, honey? you can do it, know you can. god you're so perfect."

your mind is hazy with the feeling of the strap hitting that sensitive spot inside of you with every bounce of your hips and her words that you barely even register her demand, groaning when she bites at one of your tits that have been bouncing in her face.

"tell me what you love. please, please tell me."

"nghh, love you abby! fuckin love your dick so much!"

"that's it, thaaat's it pretty girl. let everyone you're mine, that i'm yours-"

you're pretty sure she kept talking after that, but the rush of your orgasm deafens every sound and lights your body on fire, only able to feel the high and the cum leaking down your thighs. you go in and out of consciousness but come back to when you're both back in bed, abby pulling you onto her chest and she rubs a soft hand down your back.

"love you." you mumble, snuggling into the warmness of her.

"i love you too, y/n."

"'m sorry about earlier."

"me too. promise that i'll tell you whenever i'm feeling down. or when i'm dealing with a douche."

"me too."

you get the best night's sleep you've had in years.

in the morning everyone seems ecstatic for the holiday, ready to share their gifts with each other after breakfast. you decide to join in helping to cook, which gets you a crazy accusation from jordan saying your helping is just 'sitting on the counter so abby has something to look at while you drink a mimosa". whatever. abby is standing between your thighs and talking to you about her new workout schedule when owen and manny walk into the room, manny bidding you a sly 'good morning' with a smirk as owen grabs water from the fridge.

"hey owes, can you hand me one?" abby asks, her fingers drumming on your thigh as she uses the other to catch the bottle he tosses to her with a polite smile. your eyes are following the action suspiciously before abby is for some reason keeping a grip on the middle of the bottle as she opens it so the liquid spurts onto a bit of her shirt.

"ugh, abs! wait a second." you start to move off the counter when she holds your hips down.

"its fine, babe. i'm used to things squirting on me, anyway."

your face scrunches up as you smack her in the shoulder, your face hot as you hear jordan and manny cackling like hyenas and owen chugs down his water. abby just presses a loud kiss on your cheek.

other than your friends constantly teasing you, nora whispering a 'love shack' in your ear when she walks behind you in the living room, the day really is perfect. when the sun sets everyone is exchanging the gifts they got for each other. leah got jordan some necklace he's had his eyes on, manny bought mel some earmuffs after hers broke a month ago. some of them teased you for having surprisingly thoughtful gifts despite having a heart of only half-thawed ice, making you only reply that you weren't past taking the gifts back.

and then you open the gift abby got you and nearly cry; a custom snow globe, inside two mini figures dancing on a mountain of snow, one wearing skis and the other wearing skates. the she almost does the same with the corny 'cooking for two' book you bought her and the limited edition version of her favorite novel.

its a night full of warmth and laughter, and once it ends you find yourself standing out on the balcony, looking out at the lit lights of the village and the lifts on the slopes. your phone is in your hand and you open the text messages to your dad.

tell everyone i said merry christmas. its going to take me time to mentally heal enough to train. but if you're willing to do it with me then i'm in.

"hey, it's fucking freezing out here." abby opens the slide-apart door and comes up beside you, wrapping her arms around you to look out at the view with you. "are you ok?"

you sigh, turning to admire her. the redness of her cheeks, the tiny snowflakes in her hair. the way she's looking at you.

you nod your head.

"i'm on top of the world."

fics keep getting longer to overcompensate allah take me now. spent so much of yesterday aka my birthday writing this omg but it was so fun to write a more developed reader. uhhh idk stream cobra by megan.

[skadream]

happy ummm 8th month on t? (9th if i were actually on t continuously but i ran out for a month that one time) i used to do monthly t updates on tiktok but i dont rlly feel like doing that rn so i'll yap about it here (its actually wild how little stuff i have about my transition on my tumblr generally speaking? as if this isnt the website that transed my gender in the first place)

it really is hard to notice such gradual changes from month to month, especially if its just me lookin at myself, compared to seeing a doctor in person which, i am getting rx'd T thru telehealth currently as my nearest planned parenthood or even a neighboring one does not actually do gender affirming care which is. insane and whack. esp when i do live in a pretty populated county maybe second or third to nyc and albany area. and i have to call in to a pp THREE HOURS BY TRANSIT from me. but like, its been working for now ok!

mentally and emotionally ive been very up and down overall but i think thats largely due to my medication changes rather than hormones. ALTHOUGH. when i ran out for a month in november and my period came back... dude it was so horrible like genuinely the worst period of my life. its one of those things where i didnt realize just how dysphoric something could make me feel until i had a taste of being able to alleviate said dysphoria. so mentally speaking testosterone is probably pulling the mental train even more than the wellbutrin lol. and im trying not to account too much for circumstance/environment cuz like OBVIOUSLY if things were going smoothly for me there a lot of my emotional issues would be at least somewhat relieved, but im working with what i got.

physically, since starting t in july i have lost weight. at first i was very scared it was my medication, and i think a part of it was at least a little, like two of my meds can cause some weight loss, but i am no longer losing weight in a concerning way but just yknow the regular amount of daily fluctuation. so i do think a lot of my weight loss was due to hormones just shifting around my fat and all that, or something idk lol. everyones so diff with hormones, i know some trans guys gain weight on t and not necessarily from muscle training, i know girls on e who have lost weight without any changes to diet or exercise, it really depends so as always, this is just my experience etc etc

i do have more facial hair but its still quite patchy, i think i might start filling in my stache tho. with my shitty goatee, its not my fav so i shave it off when im not just sitting inside all day, but also idk it makes my chin feel less. round. or smth. i do always think of my one friend telling me ill look like the lead singer of a nü metal band and honestly maybe i should start giving that energy more anyway! embrace goatee lifestyle!

oh yeah my voice dropped in like the first two months and has gotten deeper since, and on timtom i talked a lot about wanting to maintain the vocal range i had pre-t? i dont think thats fully possible like i think the highest notes i used to reach are just inaccessible to me, but i think if i did some like vocal singing warmups i can get back up to reach those higher notes. in retrospect the way ive sung my whole life has actually prob been destructive on my voice, partly from lack of proper training and partly intentionally trying to sound deeper and more gravelly, but now that i can access deeper sounds more naturally i really do wanna work on singing in a better way where i can reach some of those notes.

overall yea im liking whats happening so far, i do wish it was happening faster but i understand that some people dont get the progress ive gotten for like, YEARS, and new progressions will be happening to me for years after today. if you think about "real" puberty, it is a gradual shift its not like you suddenly grow a chest as soon as you Bleed or whatever its different for literally every person and since im the only one in my family that i know of who has done this, im kind of a guinea pig. but like im okay with that! anyway yeah really recommrnd testosterone if u want it i like it :)

[wrathandgreed]

(I hope requests are still open) So ive been thinking. How about the brothers reaction to MC taking a large step away from them when ever one of them raises their hand up. It could be as simple as a high five. MC used to be in a abusive relationship and is paranoid about getting hit

Note: (For the record, I don’t know if you sent me this on purpose - I’ve never done requests; I’ve literally just put out my very first OM headcanons. But I figured I could try. I’ve never been in an abusive relationship, but a number of my friends have. I really hope I can do this one respect - if anything about this is not on the level, please let me know! Also, if I missed a trigger warning in the tags, or tagged this wrong, let me know. Also, for the record, I tend to like soft!Brothers and I really wanted them to try and be better - not put the onus on MC to “get over it” or anything.)

Second note: After writing this, I’m not sure that most of these guys would be a good choice for an abuse survivor! 

Third note: I am NOT good at keeping things short and, as usual, I went overboard with Asmodeus. Like, it should be its own fic at this point. But write what you want to read, right?

Warnings: references to domestic abuse, both physical and verbal. References to suicide baiting. Uncensored swearing.

~5K words

Lucifer

A strange choice; his perfectionism and exacting behavior sometimes make you remember how it was back in the human world; everything had to be JUST SO….or else.

And he’s threatened to kill you. Twice.

But there’s something inherently decent about him - and you live for the rare moments he laughs.

His perfectionism usually isn’t even about you, so you just kind of….ignore it.

You’re doing some of your RAD homework in Lucifer’s study.

It’s quiet there.

And, while he won’t do the work for you, he’ll definitely help when you’re stuck.

Also you can give him tea and soothing when he (inevitably)  gets upset at his paperwork - Mammon’s bills, Asmo’s bills, Satan’s bills (hey, dark magic books are expensive).

You start hearing the shifting and muttering that herald the beginning of the rant.

You gather the tea and walk towards his desk.

“Devil’s sake!” Lucifer suddenly snaps out, slamming hand on his desk as he reads yet another ridiculous piece of paper.

It’s not at you, the anger isn’t at you, you KNOW it’s not at you, but you freeze anyway.

Slammed hands on desks, punched holes in walls, hands on you, always hands - 

The cup of tea hits the floor and you’re out of the room before Lucifer can even look up.

He’s seen it all in your paperwork - the police reports, the restraining order, the lists of injuries - so he puts it all together before his study door closes behind you.

He knows better than to go after you immediately. You’ll want some solitude, some quiet on your own, to steady yourself a little.

If he goes after you now, it might frighten you more. Looks like hunting.

You need to know he’s calm, that he’s not acting or reacting out of emotion.

He takes his time cleaning up the spilled tea, straightening his papers.

When he shows up at your room, he has a mug of hot chocolate.

“I’m sorry,” you blurt out before he can say anything. You made a mess in his study, and he’s such a stickler for everything being neat. He was angry before, but he’ll be even more angry now.

“No, I’m sorry,” he returns, and offers you the chocolate.

(You blink once. Has the Avatar of Pride ever apologized before? If so, it was never in your hearing.)

The two of you talk quietly for a time. He insists that you don’t need to apologize - ever. He insists that, while he appreciates the tea-and-break routine, it’s 100% not your responsibility to control his anger. It’s his. He says that his anger isn’t good for him anyway (just look at Satan) and he needs to take a break when that hot feeling starts. 

Maybe he should start scheduling breaks; setting timers on his D.D.D. so that he no longer works long enough at once to let it all get to him.

He doesn’t want you afraid of him.

Mammon

Mammon is pretty much the only demon who HASN’T threatened your life. He often sounds irritated, but he’s never even sounded angry at you.

If anything, he’s a mush and an abuse victim himself. So he gets where you’re coming from, and tries really hard.

So you shouldn’t be afraid of him.

But….he moves too quickly. He’s constantly jumping from one idea to another, one topic to another, one emotion to another. And that’s just emotionally.

You can’t trust where his hands will be. Ever. And that’s not a sex thing.

Sometimes, his protection of you makes you feel safe. If anyone hurts you, Mammon will hurt them a thousand times worse.

He’s funny, and his hands on you are gentle, and once you tell him about your past, he tries really hard not to go back to his “stupid human” habit, because it hurts your feelings.

But sometimes, his protection feels like obsession. Why were you talking to that guy? C’mere, you’re MY human.

Then, inevitably, the tug on your hand or arm or waist, pulling you closer.

It starts simply enough.

You’re playing video games in his room. He’s not as much of a gamer as Levi, but he enjoys them.

Especially ones where you can be competitive or drive cars really fast.

He’s been getting more and more excited, coiled like a spring. And it’s from enjoyment, not anger, but that level of energy, in your experience, explodes at some point.

You get quieter, but that only makes him more boisterous. He wants you to join in the fun! C’mon MC, did you see that?! It was awesome!

After a really impressive win, he shouts in triumph and suddenly his hand is in front of your face for a high-five.

You recoil and hit the floor, crab-crawling backwards before you can stop yourself.

His look of complete confusion, in different circumstances, might be funny. He actually looks at his hand like he doesn’t recognize it.

He drops to the floor too, “Babe? What’s wrong? Y’okay?” And he reaches out a hand towards you.

When you flinch, he gets it.

He sits on the floor, stuttering out apologies, not even finishing one sentence before starting another. He makes sure he’s cross-legged, leaning back on his hands - non threatening, leaning away, hands not hidden, but not prominent, and in a position it would take him time to move from. 

When you start crying, he can’t maintain that pose and crawls towards you, pulling you into a hug.

If you resist, you know he’ll let you go. And that’s why you just curl into him instead, crying out on his shoulder while he holds you close - but not tightly.

“I jus’ need ya to talk to me….let me know if I’m gettin’ to be too much. I know I’m loud. Just….. jus’ remind me, I’ll never be mad.”

Leviathan

Boy already has anger problems.

Envy’s kind of prone to it, you know?

On the one hand, he literally attacked you over a piece of TSL memorabilia.

On the other, he’s generally harmless the rest of the time.

He’s meek and shy and terrified of touching you - so, 95% of the time, you feel super safe with him.

When you wake with a nightmare, when something jump-starts your fear response, he talks you through it, easily abandoning whatever game or anime he’s involved in.

He’ll only touch you when you ask, or when you reach for him first.

But then there’s the MMOs.

You know you should leave when he starts getting mad. Not in a victim-blame sense, but for your own mental health it’s probably not a good idea to be around him when he raids.

He ALWAYS gets mad.

You’re sitting in his room, so involved in your handheld that you forget it’s his raiding night.

(Usually you make study plans with Satan, or shopping plans with Asmo on his raiding nights. You don’t want him to give them up; he enjoys them, but it’s not good for you to be around.)

After finally completing a tough level, you pop your headphones off just in time to hear Levi swear loudly.

You go still as a string of swear-filled trash talk fills the room. Things you’d never expect shy, needy Levi to say. 

You know it really is just trash-talk - the threats of violence are just too absurd. Rip off their arms and use their own fingers to bowl their skull like a bowling ball? Really?

Also this is LEVI. Levi? The demon who needed you to taunt Mammon about his credit card because he couldn’t do it himself? He might be Admiral of Hell’s Navy and all, but he’s not exactly threatening.

You get to your feet, a little shaken but ready to just walk out of the room. It’s raid night, and this is why you don’t hang out on raid nights. You’re not comfortable around other people’s anger.

You’re halfway across the room when Levi suddenly shouts in frustration and throws his controller on the floor.

And you’re out the door.

Levi just glimpses you as he’s reaching to pick up his miraculously-unshattered controller from the floor.

“Henry?” He calls out, just a second too late.

With only one moment of hesitation, he logs out of his raid and goes to follow you.

You had less than ten seconds head start, but it takes him almost twenty minutes to find you, sitting out in the garden, gazing at nothing.

“MC?” He calls quietly. He doesn’t want to sneak up on you.

A single blink, and the tiniest flash of fear - he left his game to follow you. 

Calculation: extreme concern - or extreme anger. 

Conclusion: Undetermined.

So you wait.

“Are you ok?”

Okay, so not mad. “Aren’t you raiding?” You ask, instead of answering. You’re not ok, but you’re also not in the mood to talk about it.

“I, uh, h-had a, uh, power outage?” Even he doesn’t sound convinced, and you snort. Levi only has three modes: simple, stuttering, and verbose. Thankfully he goes with simple. “You ran out. I was worried.”

You debate brushing his concern off, but he deserves better than that.

“I’m not good with anger. Even if it’s not directed at me.”

“Oh.” Levi pauses as he considers. He knows the basics of what’s happened. “I - I mean, I could, you know, NOT - “

“No,” you say quickly and lean in to kiss his cheek. “You don’t have to change anything. Do your raids, make stupid threats to stupid players. Just….warn me to leave first?”

Levi nods, but he skips the rest of his raid to stargaze with you in the garden, arms wrapped around you from behind as he points out different Devildom stars and constellations to you. You get a lecture on how Devildom stars are used in Devildom sailing. It’s actually kind of interesting.

Satan

Okay, seriously? The Avatar of Wrath? Author speaking here, I literally can’t picture a worse combination than an MC who’s still recovering from domestic abuse to date the AVATAR OF WRATH.

Like, yeah, he has good control over himself, but he also loses his temper in a moment’s notice.

He has CANONICALLY tortured people for calling him strange.

He flips out with no warning and destroys parts of the house and his brothers just let him do it because he’s too powerful to control when he rages.

I can absolutely see MC falling for the quiet intelligence, the consideration, and so forth, but witnessing one (1) single rage should be enough to tell them that this relationship won’t be good for their mental health.

Let’s not even talk about the (again, canonical) desire for domination, power play, pet play, etc, that kind of defines our boy.

I mean, I love Satan. Out of all the bros, he’s the only one I could imagine legit dating in real life.

But I’m a little ball of rage myself, and I have no problem with anger, mine or anyone else’s.

And the fandom (including me) can totally play cute and love on their “soft little angy boi” all they want, and he definitely has soft, sensitive sides, and I may actively choose to ignore the whole domination/power play/etc when I fic or headcanon because I really love soft!Satan….. but he’s not.

I can’t even make a headcanon, because I cannot picture a situation in which this is actually GOOD for MC.

Because no matter how hard he’ll try and control it, and how much his rage probably won’t be directed at them, I just keep picturing “It won’t happen again” except it will, and it’ll just wind up being flashbacks to the number of times “It won’t happen again” ended in black eyes or an ER visit back in the human world.

And MC walking on eggshells for eternity to avoid setting him off, and how is that healthy?

Asmodeus

Another decent choice for MC, at least on the surface.

King of consent over here, at least how I picture him. Especially for someone he cares about.

Always accepts “no” about literally anything. Don’t want sex? We’ll cuddle. Cuddling a little confining? Holding hands is cool. Really don’t want to be touched at all right now? Gossip and tea! 

You were coming to really care about the Avatar of Lust, and you believed what Simeon said about him - how much he desperately needed love and affection. You got it; you needed some, too. 

I mean, even if he’d been a bit of a jerk, he’d warmed up significantly since the pact, so new that it still burned on your skin, was formed.

But even Asmodeus wasn’t without faults. However much he focuses on love, he can sometimes, really be….mean.

You’re standing on a balcony in Diavolo’s castle, having escaped for a few moments.

He’d always been catty, gossipy, filled with drama, but the genuine affection and likability of him sometimes made you ignore it.

His constant mocking of Luke you could put down to the whole angel/demon conflict. 

His occasional snapping or poking at his brothers you could put down to being stuck in the same house with the same people for literal eons.

The only thing that might make up for your awful existence is if you just ended it.

The words haunt you as you stand looking up at Devildom’s endless nighttime.

How many times did you hear similar words yourself? How useless you were, how much of a burden, no way you’d survive on your own without him, and he didn’t even want you that much. Why didn’t you just go kill yourself?

Dammit, you think to yourself as Asmo steps out on to the balcony.

“Darling! Why are you out here all alone? Or are you waiting for some company?”

When he goes to put his arms around you, you just say “no.” Simply, quietly, emotionlessly.

Asmo circles around to look at you. “Something wrong, sweetness?”

You take a breath. Another. You consider swallowing it, again, don’t want to start a fight. Back down, put on a smile, ignore it.

But realize you can’t. You spent years dealing with this crap, and you’re not going to do it again.

“You’re mean, Azzy.” Your voice is quieter than you expected. You look up into the demon’s eyes. To his credit, he looks deeply confused and, as you take a step away from him, hurt. Before he can open his mouth, you continue, “How could you say that to Mammon?”

“Are you defending MAMMON?” He asks, torn between incredulity and anger.

“Right now? Yes. But also Luke, Lucifer, and everyone else you talk shit to. Or about. He’s your brother. Do you have any idea how much it hurts to hear that out of someone you love?”

Dismissively, “Oh, if it actually bothered him, he’d - “

“What? Beat you up? That’s not like him. So he takes it. And takes it, and takes it, until, because it’s all he hears, he believes it. And then why fight back? Why defend yourself, if you’re such a piece of shit? You deserve it, after all, right?”

You don’t even realize it, but you’re crying by this point. And you’re mad. All the mad you couldn’t fling at your abuser before is filling you now. You don’t even know if you’re talking about Mammon or yourself anymore. Maybe both of you.

“And even though he’s beaten down, you keep going. When he won’t respond to the usual anymore, when that doesn’t seem to hurt him, rile him up, you go worse. You told your brother, who you claim to love, to kill himself. We’re barely even friends. So what happens when I annoy you? Should I just go die now, save you the trouble of telling me to do it later?”

You step right up to him, into his personal space, almost nose to nose, and stare directly into his red-yellow eyes. “Is this who you are, Asmodeus?”

Asmo has gone from defensive; incredulous and angry, to baffled, hurt and worried in just a few minutes. But at your last, pointed question, he jerks his head back as though you slapped him. Not knowing what to say or do, he reaches for you again, but you dodge his hand and brush past him back into the castle.

You get Solomon, the only one who won’t ask questions, to switch rooms with you. (Luke is thrilled; teaching him to play gin rummy actually cheers you up a little.)

For a few weeks, you and Asmodeus pass each other in the House without speaking.  Then, one evening, there’s a knock on your door and Asmo slides into your room.

He looks….well, not awful; he could never look awful. But the glow is gone from his skin and, unless you’re mistaken, he hasn’t bothered doing his hair. He looks like he’s missed some sleep.

You look up from your homework and watch him. Silently. It’s not your job to fill the silence anymore.

More than most of them, Asmo despises being vulnerable. But it’s fix this or not, and the pact is pushing him to be on good terms. At least, he blames the pact. It’s easier than acknowledging how much the weeks of silence have worn on him. How awful it was watching you walk to class with Mammon instead of him. 

And no matter what, he values honesty in his relationships, no matter what kind of relationship. So he would be honest.

“I don’t know,” he says quietly.

Lean back in your chair, hands folded. Waiting.

“I don’t know….if that’s who I am. Maybe it is.”

“Why are you here, Asmo? What do you want?”

“I want you to stop ignoring me!”

Steady face. “I spent too many years having someone talk to me the way you spoke to your brother. The rest of it - the gossip, the side comments, the cattiness…. it’s not your best side. In fact, it’s pretty unattractive when it’s mean, but I could handle it. But I can’t handle cruelty. I don’t want to be around it anymore.”

A pause. “What is my best side then?”

Disgusted, you chuck a pen in his direction. “Fuck’s sake, Asmo. Get out.”

“No! Not, not that. If that’s my bad side, the **unattractive** part, then what’s the other half?”

You search his face, but he doesn’t seem to be fishing for compliments. If anything, he looks….lost. Confused. And you wonder if anyone’s ever said anything to him, good or bad, about who he was; not what he looked like or how he fucked. 

It’s not your responsibility to psychoanalyze a demon, you think to yourself. But you’re not someone to walk away. You wonder how it’s possible for someone to be thousands of years old, and know less about themselves than you know about yourself in just a few decades. And you have nothing to lose by being kind.

“You can be wonderfully kind, Asmo, and generous. You want to see the beauty in everyone and everything. As nasty as you can be with it, I’ll give you points for honesty. You connect with people, and the times you’re actually genuinely interested in them is….charming.”

He’s silent for a few minutes. Then he nods, as if he’s made a decision. “Okay. Tomorrow, after RAD, do you want to go for bubble tea?” At your confusion, he just smiles and continues, “It’s like skin care, isn’t it? Attractiveness requires effort, darling, until it becomes habit. If I want to be attractive inside as well as out, I’ll have to practice the good things, so they outweigh the bad. I can’t do that alone. I need a practice partner who won’t tolerate failure, right? At least until it’s habit.”

You feel your entire brain have to reboot before you can give a coherent response. 

“Tomorrow. One hour. I have papers due.” You wait until he leaves your room before you smile.

Beelzebub

Probably the best choice for this MC.

The most emotionally intelligent of his brothers.

Also the most sincerely kind and gentle.

But also, like Satan, prone to sudden outbursts and rages. They’re all food-related (or, rather, lack-of-food-related), but they’re there.

A smart MC always carries snacks while dating Beel. Phone, wallet, keys, fried bat wings.

Strangely, though, the food-induced rages don’t really bother you. It’s not anger, really, and it’s never once been directed at you. And, unlike back in the human world, there’s a concrete way to help: feed him.

Today you have a whole backpack full of snacks.

You’re with Belphie, watching one of Beel’s games at RAD.

(You’re not sure Belphie wants to be there, but you’re not allowed out alone, and Belphie decided to take you - keep you safe and support his brother. Two birds, one Belphie.)

Belphie tends to nap against your shoulder any time the ref goes to make a call, but he’s somehow always awake to clap for his brother. 

(You stand on your chair and cheer, but that’s you.)

The game is a close one; double overtime. Even Belphie is too tense to sleep towards the end.

And at the end of double overtime, Beel manages the single extra goal that results in victory.

You cheer yourself hoarse for your demon boyfriend.

The whole stadium is crazy, so you hang back and wait. Belphie hates crowds and you’re not keen on them yourself. It’s going to take awhile for Beel to make it through the crowd to you anyway.

You’re standing in the aisle, scrolling through your phone, when suddenly there’s a loud shout and arms wrap around you from behind and lift you up.

You gasp, and your scream strangles in your throat so what comes out of you is nothing more than a squeak. Your phone goes flying.

You’re frozen for a moment as panic surges. You want to fight and you’re fighting your own brain to push the panic into your limbs so you can fight for yourself.

You vaguely feel a tugging and you hear someone - Belphie? - insisting that you be put down and then your feet are on the ground but there’s no such thing as your legs and you start to fall before the same arms help you gently sit. The ground is gross, but you’ll only care about the damage to your skirt later.

Everything is fuzzy and confusing; you’re not even sure of what you’re looking at until your vision is filled with blue and violet.

You know that swirl of color. That’s a SAFE color, and you start feeling your poor brain start to work again.

You blink into your boyfriend’s blue-violet eyes; you realize he’s cupping your face with his hands and the weird underwater noises start to sound like his voice. You realize, very belatedly, that what probably happened was Beel lifting you up in a victory hug.

“M’okay,” you say, but it sounds robotic. It takes a few more seconds - you don’t know how many - for all of your senses and brain to actually begin working in sync again. You start hearing the sounds of the crowd departing the stadium, and you hear Beel continuing to say your name and trying to get you to answer questions. You almost smile; but smiling wouldn’t make any sense.

“I’m okay,” you say, and you must sound a little more convincing this time because Beel looks relieved. He shoots a few more questions at you, and you realize they’re the kinds of questions people get asked when someone thinks they have a concussion or head trauma.

Your answers satisfy him, so Beel helps you to your feet. 

“What was that?” He asks. “Low blood sugar? Are you hungry?”

You have to smile at his very-typical diagnosis. A little sugar wouldn’t hurt, though. For some reason, eating grounds you after something like this. You dig a chocolate bar out of your Backpack of Snacks (Snackpack?) and hand the rest to him.

He impatiently takes a bag of chips out of it but doesn’t open it. He looks at you expectantly and you realize he won’t eat until you do. So you take a bite of the chocolate and he looks more relieved.

“So what the fuck WAS that?” Belphie asks as the three of you move towards the exit.

“Later.” You haven’t yet found a reason to really tell Beel (and, by extension, Belphegor) about everything. You do later that night. 

Beel swears he’ll never surprise you like that again. He’s a lot more cautious about touching you for a few days, but eventually things go back to normal between you.

Belphegor

Author note: Dude fucking murdered you, deliberately, in cold blood, and taunted you for your gentleness and desire to help as you died. But let’s say you can get past that - or try to. Probably the second-worst choice, after Satan, for this reason.

You started dating Belphie for the strangest reason: you could trash-talk the shit out of him.

He kept trying to be around you after you made the pact (which, let’s face it, you made so you could MAKE SURE he never hurt you again). Until, after politely dodging him wasn’t working, you told him to take his emo-boy routine and fuck off somewhere else.

You flinched, waiting for retaliation, but he just blinked at you and told you to stop being a brat.

And he was smiling.

But it wasn’t a mean smile - it was a smile that shared the joke.

Your lips quivered into a returning smile, and you threw another insult at him.

He topped it, and hurled one back.

Before you knew it, the two of you were screaming obscenities at each other in the middle of the common room and laughing like hyenas.

For some reason, Belphie calling you a dumb bitch wasn’t an insult. It was a mark of endearment. And it didn’t hurt your feelings or make you afraid.

It was empowering to call him a dickhead if he did something you didn’t like and have him simply laugh and amend his behavior. Nothing bothered him.

He didn’t move quickly; in fact he didn’t move at all if he could help it.

But you would remember, sometimes, the way his hands felt on your throat, or how cold his eyes had been. And you couldn’t say it was a momentary madness, because he’d planned it. He’d been imprisoned because he wanted to kill humanity.

You put it out of your mind. It was something you were good at, after all.

Until the two of you sat down to watch a movie one evening. A simple plot hole sparked a discussion that wound up being….not an argument, but definitely a difference of opinion.

As usual, insults were flying fast and furious when suddenly Belphie laughed and smacked you with his pillow.

It wasn’t an angry move, and it wasn’t hard enough to hurt. It wasn’t a hard blow at all! But the surprise had you falling back on the couch. And the fear had you curling into a ball, arms wrapped around your head protectively, legs curled up to guard your middle.

There is dead silence.

“Hey, Brat?” Belphie asks. When you don’t answer, he calls your name instead.

You slowly, very slowly, begin to uncurl yourself from your position. It takes time for the residual fear to leave, but enough is gone to leave room for embarrassment. 

“Sorry,” you mutter. 

“I get it,” is the answer.

Cue awkward silence.

“I figured you were still afraid of me.”

“I’m not!” When he just stares blandly at you, you sigh. “Okay, a little. If you wanted to hurt me - again - you’ve had a ton of opportunities. So I don’t think you want to. But…..”

“It’s a hard thing to get over.”

“Yeah. And not just you.” Hesitantly, you start to tell him. You want to just give him the basics, but once you start talking, you can’t seem to stop. He doesn’t interrupt, barely seems to blink, just watches you. A blank vessel to help you empty the poison that fills you sometimes.

You see his jaw tighten as you go on, but you know the anger isn’t at you.

When you finish, he’s silent for a few moments. Then he gathers you up to him. “I’ll never hurt you,” he says.

You look up at him with the same bland look he gave you a moment ago.

“Again,” he amends. “I’ll never hurt you again.”

You let out a watery laugh and he hugs you a bit tighter.

“You’re still a brat, though.”

[lostcoves]

ft. taishiro toyomitsu (fatgum) x gn!reader

genre: angst with a bittersweet ending 

wc & warnings: 1.7k | hospitals, blood, bus crash, alcohol, drunk!(y/n)

premise: your first day in university of tokyo hospital’s emergency room is surely a day to remember.

note: my contribution to @instantnuma​’s love hospital collab! i had a blast writing this piece as someone who comes from generations of medical personnel! hope you all enjoy!

university of tokyo hospital, home to some of the most renowned minds in the medical profession.

and somehow you ended up here as an intern in their emergency department.

why the emergency room of all places? couldn’t they have assigned you to pediatrics?! you loved kids! kids were cute! why did it have to be the emergency room?

you panicked easily, ironic for someone who just graduated medical school to pursue a career in medicine. at least, you weren’t a surgeon. you knew your limits.

you hovered by the nurse’s station, unsure what to do. you were supposed to meet your attending, dr. toyomitsu. yet, they were nowhere to be seen.

damnit, did my attending really flake on my first day? you thought to yourself, shuffling a bit by the nurse station.

BAM! the doors of the emergency room swung open, revealing a large blond handsome man performing cpr on the person attached to the stretcher. the paramedics wheeled the wounded in and the handsome man began shouting orders.

“kirishima, i need fifteen milligrams of morphine, stat! get me some wrap for this sucking chest wound, too!” the man commanded the room with an iron fist.

you couldn’t help but watch in all, as the handsome man treated the patient’s wound. a spiky redhead- you assumed to be kirishima- appeared behind you with morphine and wrap, securing the patient’s wound while nurses hooked the patient up to the machines.

“page the OR, amajiki. this man is gonna need major surgery,” the handsome man directed an indigo haired man. the other man- amajiki- got on the phone and informed the operating room of the patient.

you could only stand in awe, as the patient was whisked away into surgery. you slowly clapped at the heroism of the man before you, “sir, that was—”

“all in a day’s work,” he answered with a lopsided grin.

“your clothes, though..” you pointed out the man’s blood soaked shirt and pants. he shrugged it off and commented, “i’ll be changing into my scrubs anyway.”

“scrubs? you’re a doctor?” well, duh he was a doctor. why else would the medical personnel listen to him?

“yup! i’m doctor taishiro toyomitsu! but everyone calls me dr. fats!” he exclaimed, extending a hand to you.

your eyes widened at his name, “you- you’re my boss! i’m doctor (l/n), (y/n) (l/n). i just graduated form medical school.”

“ah! my new intern, great!” he was such a positive ball of energy. you just realized that he towered over you, now that he was off the stretcher. what a big fellow! he then added to you, “lemme introduce you to my residents. they’ll be here to help you out, as well.”

dr. toyomitsu gestured to the redhead and indigo haired duo from earlier, “this is doctor eijiro kirishima, second year resident, and doctor tamaki amajiki, fourth year resident.”

the redhead- kirishima- waved excitedly at you, “it’s good to meet you, dr. (l/n)! welcome to the team!”

the indigo haired man- amajiki- hung his head low, “uh huh.. good to have you on- on the team.”

“now that introductions are out of the way!” dr. toyomitsu grabbed a white coat off the coat rack, “let’s get to work, folks.”

─────────────────

you collapsed in the on call room, exhausted and sweaty from the past eleven hours of your first shift. suture after suture, panicky parent after panicky parent.. god, why did you make emergency medicine your second choice after pediatrics?

“hey,” dr. toyomitsu took a seat next to you in the on call room, “sucks that your first day was a twelve hour shift, huh?”

“i haven’t been this exhausted since last year’s finals,” you grumbled.

dr. toyomitsu laughed, “you’re funny.”

“i am?” you questioned.

“you are,” he paused, “what made you decide to choose emergency medicine as your speciality?”

“they ran out of openings for internships with pediatrics,” you replied honestly.

“okay so what made emergency medicine your second choice?” dr. toyomitsu reframed the question.

you pondered on it– you didn’t think you had a really good answer– so you decided to speak from the heart.

“emergency medicine is crucial for saving lives and i wanna save as many lives as possible,” you answered. dr. toyomistu sensed your sincerity and gave you a smile, “and i’m sure you will achieve just that but be aware.. sometimes you can’t save everyone.”

you opened your mouth to respond when dr. toyomistu’s pager went off. he checked the device and leapt to his feet, “bus crash. all hands on deck! you wanna save as many lives as possible? now it’s time for you to prove it.”

you sat up and ran after dr. toyomitsu into the emergency room, horrified by the scene before you. so many injured, some strapped to stretchers and others dragging themselves inside. 

“doctor! we got a red!” a paramedic hollered to you. you rushed over to the stretcher and yelled, “what do we got?!”

“female, age seven! possible internal bleeding and multiple fractures!” the second paramedic exclaimed. you stared down at the little girl and froze. she was so small, caked in blood and her dress in ruins. god, no. she was too young, too young and innocent.

“doctor, we need to act fast!” the first paramedic shouted.

“yes!” tears stained the little girl’s dress, “get me an iv and a cocktail of vitamin k, plasma, blood, and platelets! stat!”

a trio of nurses ran over with the supplies and hooked the girl up to an iv, administering the cocktail into her body. you checked her vitals and sighed in relief, she was stable.

“we gotta find her parents, what’s her name?” you asked the paramedics.

“only form of id was on her backpack,” the second paramedic handed you the girl’s belongings. the name ‘yuki’ was sewn on with purple thread. you frowned, “get the cops and child protective services. we need to find her family.”

“i’ll do that,” one of nurses spoke up.

“thank you,” you turned your attention back to the unconscious girl. you gently stroked her fine black hair, “we’re gonna find your family, kiddo. i promise.”

─────────────────

all the living injured were treated after three hours. your heart hardened from the sight of doctors having to inform family members that their loved ones didn’t make it. but your mind kept wandering to little yuki. you had to find her family.

“any word on your kid’s missing family?” dr. toyomitsu took you aside, placing a reassuring hand on your shoulder. you shook your head and answered, “i’m scared that they were on the bus with her and.. and..” you sniffled, you couldn’t finish your sentence.

“come here,” you and dr. toyomitsu embraced, tears flowing freely from your (e/c) eyes. you wanted yuki to return home safe, that was all you wanted for her. you and dr. toyomitsu ended the hug, you staring up at the attending with sad eyes, “thank you.”

“of course,” he answered before checking his watch, “looks like we’re off the clock. wanna grab a drink?”

“sure, i could use one after day,” you sighed. the two of you went your separate ways to change clothes before meeting outside the hospital’s entrance. dr. toyomitsu looked good in a fresh change of clothes.

“i wanna praise you for surviving your first day on the job,” dr. toyomitsu mused aloud when you both arrived at the bar, “most interns don’t make it to hour ten, much less the whole shift. plus, the way you handled the bus crash cases, i applaud you.”

“well, don’t,” you grumbled, “i froze up when it came to yuki.”

“but she didn’t die,” he countered.

“she almost did,” you fired back with a glare.

dr. toyomitsu’s expression softened, “okay. maybe you did freeze up but what’s important is that you didn’t freeze up for too long.”

“i guess..” you waved down the bartender and ordered a rum and cola. 

“you’ll have a better day tomorrow. i can already sense it,” the handsome doctor commented to you. you laughed bitterly and exhaled, “one can only hope so,” before downing your rum and cola.

“i wish- i wish i could be like you,” you hiccuped, three rum and colas in. dr. toyomitsu, on the other hand, was five drinks in and holding it well. he raised an eyebrow at you and asked, “what do you mean?”

“you.. you’re so confident and cool!” you giggled, “like a superhero! and you’re hot, sooooo hot!”

dr. toyomitsu blushed at your words but he chalked it up to you being drunk, “thank you, dr. (l/n). that makes a lot to me.”

“of course!” you playfully nudged him, “but we’re off- off the clock! call me (y/n)! okie dokie? i’m (y/n)!”

“okay, (y/n). only if you call me taishiro.”

“okayyyyy, taishirooooo!”

time seemed to fly, as you drunkenly interacted with your boss. you weren’t sure if it was the alcohol or the atmosphere but you felt your inhibitions slip away. taishiro had to cut you off after drink number five, not wanting you to get sick from the alcohol. 

“lemme get you a cab,” taishiro took you outside the bar and called you a cab.

“i don’t wanna leave you!” you whined. 

“you’ll see me tomorrow,” he chuckled.

loopy, you grabbed onto taishiro for stability and slammed your lips sloppily against his. taishiro tensed up from the kiss and pulled away.

“i’m sorry,” you hiccuped, tears in your eyes, “i’m drunk.”

“that you are,” he agreed.

“i’m so scared for yuki.

“i know. i am, too.”

a long pause.

“i wanna kiss you again.”

another pause.

“i wanna kiss you, too.”

so the two of you kissed, logic and reason out the window. taishiro’s lips tasted like candy, oh how you loved the taste. you pulled away from the kiss for air and smiled.

“see you tomorrow.”

“see yah, (y/n).”

maybe you two could kiss again when neither of you were drunk.

[sunsetlixie]

Take Care of You- Felix/reader smut

Felix wants to try being dominated, and you’re more than willing to indulge.

sub!felix and dom!female reader

word count: 4,759

warnings: none? just typical smut things (language, generally dirty shit) and also this isn’t really a warning but Felix has a mommy kink in this lol

A/N- this is my first time ever posting on tumblr so the layout may be kind of weird?? this is also the first skz smut ive written so hopefully it isn’t terrible!! also i’m thinking about turning this into a multiple part thing if people actually like it!!

°。°。°。°。°。°。°。゜。°。°。°。

Felix had gotten done with a long day at the studio and he was in a weird mood. You two were lying in bed watching a show, and Felix was cuddled up to your side, playing with one of your hands distractedly. Now, your boyfriend was always very affectionate, even with his friends. That’s just who he is, he enjoys physical contact with people. But tonight he was being downright clingy. From the second he got home he was all over you, hugging you from behind in the kitchen while you made dinner, following you everywhere you went, sitting right next to you on the floor while you worked on school work at your desk. Now that you’d settled in for the night, he was trying to be as close to you as possible, every time you shifted positions he’d go with you so you kept touching. Now he readjusted himself so his head was on your chest and one of his legs was thrown over yours, and you sighed as he nuzzled his head into your chest, obviously wanting your attention.

“What’s up tonight Lix?” you asked, bringing a hand up to run it through his hair. You felt him shiver as you pushed your hand through his blonde locks, and he shut his eyes for a moment.

“What do you mean?” he asked quietly.

“You’re being very...affectionate tonight, more than usual.”

“I just want to be close to you,” he said, opening his eyes again and looking up at you. You smiled back at him when you saw his cute little face, his cheeks slightly red and his hair disheveled from you messing with it.

“Okay, just making sure nothing’s wrong,” you said, leaning down to rest your head on top of his. Sometimes when Felix was upset, he would be extra cuddly and clingy.

“Nope, nothing’s wrong,” he said, turning his attention back to the tv. You weren’t convinced though, because after a while you were starting to notice Felix getting fidgety, shifting his position frequently and squirming a bit. You noticed his discomfort and thought for a second that maybe he wasn’t feeling well, which made you worry again that something was wrong.

“Are you sure you’re okay? You’re acting a little strange,” you said, turning down the tv and looking down at your boyfriend. Felix brought a hand up to wipe tiredly at his eyes, shaking his head.

“I’m fine, I just,” he started, ending his sentence with a sigh.

“Just what? Did something happen today?” you asked worriedly.

“No! No, today was fine.”

“Then why are you upset?”

“I’m not upset, y/n, it’s just,” he started, looking away from you. You grabbed his hand to reassure him. “I just wanted to talk to you about something,” he said quietly. You raised an eyebrow at him.

“Why didn’t you just say so?” you asked.

“Well it’s kind of...it’s kind of embarrassing,” he admitted, bringing his hands up to hide his face.

“What do you mean?” you asked, reaching up and pulling his hands off of his reddening face.

“I don’t know, it’s just embarrassing to talk about,” he said, shifting uncomfortably.

“You don’t have to be embarrassed talking to me about anything, baby, I’m not going to judge you.” you said gently.

“I know, it’s just...I don’t want you to think I’m weird,” he said.

“You’re starting to freak me out, just tell me.” you laughed. Felix smiled nervously.

“I saw something and I want to try it,” he said, playing with his hands anxiously.

“What was it?” you asked. He bit his lip and looked down at his hands.

“Well it was a video, like a...you know,” he said. You smiled at his confession, he was so cute when he was nervous.

“What did the people in the video do?” you asked quietly, looking at him as he continued not making eye contact.

“Ugh, I hate talking about this, it’s so embarrassing,” he said, yet again burying his head in his hands.

“Why don’t you show me the video?” you asked. Felix’s eyes widened.

“You mean like, we watch it together?” he asked. You nodded.

“How am I supposed to know what they did in the video if I haven’t seen it?”

“O-okay,” Felix said, reaching over and grabbing his phone off the bedside table. Anticipation rose in your chest as he opened his browser and typed in the url to a very nsfw website. He eyed you nervously as the website loaded and you nodded to him, telling him it was okay to continue. He typed in a few words and pulled up a video titled “mommy takes care of her baby boy.” Your eyes widened in shock at the title, it was not at all what you were expecting him to pull up. Felix noticed your expression and threw his phone down on the bed, bringing his hands back up to cover his face in embarrassment.

“I knew you were going to think it’s weird. Forget about it, nevermind,” he mumbled, his voice muffled by his hands. You reached up and pulled his hands away from his face, not wanting him to feel embarrassed asking you to try something new.

“Hey. Look at me,” you said gently, tilting his chin so he was looking you in the eye. “I don’t think it’s weird. I never said that. I was just surprised is all. If this is something that you really want to try then I’m more than willing to try it with you,” you assured him. He swallowed harshly and broke eye contact again.

“I don’t know, this is so awkward, y/n. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

“I’ve told you before, anything you want to try is fine with me. I don’t want you to be embarrassed about what you’re into.” You reached over and grabbed his phone off the bed, the video still on the screen. You looked at Felix, asking silent permission to press play. He gave a small nod and you tapped the screen to play the video, holding the phone so both of you could see. It began pretty slow, and you tried to pay close attention to everything happening in the video so you knew exactly what your boyfriend wanted from you. In the video the girl was in control, which was something new. Usually sex with Felix was pretty tame, neither of you were more dominant or submissive, it kind of just happened. The idea of being a dom both scared you and thrilled you, making your chest tight with anxiety and excitement. The girl in the video worked slowly and teasingly, making her sub whine underneath her. The idea of having that control over Felix awoke something inside you that you’d never felt before, and you were suddenly so so glad that he brought this up. Felix again looked at you nervously out of the corner of his eye. You didn’t look back, too busy observing what was happening in the video. The way that the sub was squirming and begging by the end of the video made you feel something indescribable. You mindlessly trailed your hand up and down your boyfriend’s thigh as you watched the video. It should have felt awkward to just sit and watch that with him, but you were so encapsulated by what was happening in the video that it didn’t feel weird at all. You finally looked over at Felix towards the end and saw how red his face was, his hands shoved between his thighs and his eyes focused on the screen in front of you. He looked up from the video for a second, making quick eye contact before diverting his eyes again.

“I never knew you were into this kind of thing, Lix” you said in a low voice.

“I honestly didn’t know either until I saw this video and then I couldn’t stop imagining she was you,” he admitted. You smiled at his words, looking back to the video just as it was ending. You closed out the app and set his phone down, tightening your grip on his thigh.

“I don’t know anything about this so I might not be very great at it,” you warned him.

“I’m just so happy that you’re willing to try it, y/n, I don’t even care,” he promised. You smiled and shifted your position so you could look your boyfriend in the eyes, nervous energy building up inside you. You reached up and brushed Felix’s hair away from his red face, smirking while holding eye contact with his desperate eyes.

“So you want to be taken care of baby?” you asked, running your fingers through his hair. He leaned into your touch and sighed quietly.

“Yes,” he whispered, cheeks still burning red from embarrassment. You pinched one of his cheeks and he flinched a little.

“I think I can do that,” you said, trailing your hand from his face down to his chest and tugging at the collar of his shirt. “I’m gonna need you to take this off for me,” you said. He nodded and hastily sat up to pull the shirt over his head. You sat back for a moment and admired his body, his flat stomach and small frame glowing in the light.

“You’re staring,” he giggled, crossing his arms over his chest. You shook your head and reached out to grab one of his arms and pull it away from his chest.

“You’re just so pretty, let me look at you,” you cooed. He blushed as he set his arms to his sides and looked away.

“Why are you being shy? It’s nothing I haven’t seen before,” you questioned.

“Just feels different, I dont know,” Felix replied, shifting his position.

“Relax, baby. Let me take care of you.” You scooted closer to your boyfriend so you were in front of him and you pushed gently on his shoulders, giving him the hint to lie back on the bed. You watched him fall slowly and smiled at how pretty he looked all laid out for you. You sat next to him and ran a hand over the expanse of his chest, sending shivers through his body with your gentle touch. Your hand grazed lightly over his sensitive nipples and he arched his back, leaning into your touch. You knew this was a weak spot for your boyfriend, and you were going to use that to your advantage. You ran your hand back over the spot, lightly squeezing one of the buds between your fingers as Felix let out a soft whine. You were already enjoying the feeling of having him squirm under your touch, and you think you could definitely get used to this. You slowly leaned down and licked gently over one of his nipples, pulling away and blowing air on the spot you had just wet. Your boyfriend shivered at the cold sensation and you smiled at the look of lust and frustration building up in his face. You were never this slow with him and you knew it was killing him. You repeated your actions on the other nipple and then lightly bit down on the sensitive skin, causing Felix to let out a surprised “oh!” that quickly turned into a soft moan. You moved your lips again, kissing up his chest and onto his neck, before you swung a leg over him so you were straddling his lying body. You sat on his lower stomach, paying no attention to the buldge in his pants. He slightly shifted his hips up, looking for friction, but you weren’t giving it to him yet, you were making him wait. You leaned down and continued kissing up his neck, sucking a mark behind his ear.

“Y/nnnnn... you can’t do that,” Felix said, shifting away from where your mouth met his neck.

“Why not?” you asked innocently, although you already knew that he got shy about the boys seeing him marked up.

“Don’t want people to see...embarrassing,” he whined. You leaned down and brushed your lips against his ear, whispering in a low tone.

“You don’t want people to know who you belong to? You don’t want them to know that you’re here, lying down for me and letting me have my way with you?” you teased. Felix groaned at your words as you moved down, sucking another mark below his collarbone. You’d done this before, so you knew he wasn’t actually going to get upset- you would never do anything he wasn’t okay with. Felix’s breathing grew ragged, inhaling shaky breaths and exhaling quiet whines. The little noises he was making were turning you on incredibly, and part of you wanted to stop the teasing and just go at it. But this is how they did it in the video, and Felix seemed to be enjoying it, so you continued. You continued to leave wet kisses up and down his neck and chest area, moving up to his face but avoiding his lips. He bit down on his bottom lip, and you could tell he was trying really hard to hold himself back and be patient. You decided to reward him, finally pressing your lips to his. He relaxed into the kiss and immediately tried to push his tongue into your mouth, causing you to pull away for a moment.

“Eager, are we?” you smirked. He whined again at the loss of contact.

“You’re teasing,” he said, a small pout forming on his face.

“I get to do that, baby, I’m in charge,” you said, trailing a finger down his chest. “Isn’t this what you wanted?” you smiled sweetly.

“Can you please just kiss me?” he asked, his tone desperate and slightly bratty. You raised an eyebrow at his sudden change in behavior.

“I will this time, but cut the attitude in the future.” Felix gulped at your dominant tone but couldn’t reply as you pressed your lips back to his. He let you set the pace this time, and as much as you wanted to go agonizingly slow, at this point you were already too worked up to keep teasing. Deepening the kiss after a moment, you brought a hand up to tug at Felix’s hair, something you’d recently discovered he really enjoyed. He moaned softly into the kiss as you pulled at his blond locks, holding his head in place. Your teeth bit down and dug into his bottom lip gently, enough to draw a quiet moan from his mouth but not enough to draw blood. You pulled away, a string of saliva hanging between your lips. Felix looked up at you, blown out pupils filled with desperation.

“You look so pretty, baby boy,” his hips bucked up at your words, his face growing impossibly redder. “What is it? Do you like it when I tell you you’re pretty? Or when I call you baby boy?” you said, a teasing tone lacing your voice. He mumbled something quietly, but you couldn’t make out what he said. “Speak up Lix, I can’t hear you.”

“B-both,” he whispered. A smile crossed your face as he looked into your eyes longingly. You would never get over how cute he was when he was embarrassed.

“Awe, my baby boy likes to be praised, how cute,” you cooed, tracing your hand down the side of his face. Felix smiled shyly at your words, not breaking eye contact.

“You’ve been so patient for me, baby, do you think it’s time for me to reward you?” you asked. He nodded excitedly, but you weren’t giving him anything unless he used his words. “Words, sweetheart, tell me what you want.”

“Want you to- to reward me, I’ve been good,”

“How should I reward you?”

“Just touch me, please,”

“Touch you where? Here?” you asked, dragging a hand down his chest, which was now burning hot. He shook his head. “Here?” you asked, running your hand over the hickey you had given him, pressing your finger into the darkening bruise. He let out a soft whine but shook his head again.

“You’re going to have to tell me where, I’m not sure what you want.” You said, knowing damn well what he wanted from you but wanting to hear him say it himself. He groaned in frustration but spoke up.

“Down there, please, you know what I want,” he begged.

“Ohhh, you want me to touch you down here?” you asked, scooting down so you were now sitting on his thighs and bringing your fingers to the waistband of his pajama pants. He nodded eagerly as you toyed with the drawstring on the front of his pants.

“Beg.”

His eyes widened nervously at the dominant tone you were taking, it was something he definitely wasn’t used to. But this is what he wanted, so he had to play along.

“Please touch me, I need it, I’ve been so good for you mommy,” your breath hitched at the name, when you’d heard it in the video you thought it was a little weird, but now that it was coming out of Felix’s mouth it was the hottest thing in the world. He noticed your sharp inhale and looked at you worriedly. “Is it...is it okay if I call you that? I won’t if you don’t like it-“ he rambled.

“No baby, I love it. I really do.” you assured him. He smiled in relief as you leaned down to pull at the waistband of his pants. He lifted his hips so you could pull them down, repositioning yourself so you could pull his pants all the way off. His hard cock sprung up and smacked against his stomach, red and already leaking precum.

“So needy for me, aren’t you baby boy?” you said, taking in the sight of his naked body but not touching him yet. The power you felt was exhilarating, Felix fully nude and trembling under you, while you were fully clothed and in control. He nodded and you brought a hand down to his neglected member, but he reached out and stopped you before you could touch him. You raised an eyebrow and he used his other hand to grab at the hem of your shirt.

“Can you take this off? Please, wanna see you,” he asked, tugging gently at your soft cotton shirt. You smiled and reached down to grab the bottom of the shirt, beginning to pull it up over your head.

“Only because you asked so nicely,” you replied, tossing the shirt to the side, your top half now bare as you hadn’t been wearing anything under the shirt. Felix eyed your chest, taking in the sight of your breasts that he loved so much. You thought about continuing to tease him by not letting him touch you, but you thought he’d had enough teasing for tonight. Besides, you were supposed to be taking care of him.

“You want to touch, baby boy?” you asked, already knowing what his response would be.

“Can I?”

“Go ahead,” you gave him permission, leaning forward to give him better access. He reached up and gently caressed your breasts, thumbing over your nipples. You arched your back in response to his touch, slightly grinding down where you were sitting on his legs. This was the first time you had been touched all night, and you hadn’t realized how much your body was aching for release. You didn’t let it go on too long, because tonight was about Felix. You leaned down once more to press a quick kiss to his lips before sitting back up and finally bringing a hand to his member. You slowly wrapped your hand around his girth and began to move it up and down at a teasingly slow pace, Felix arching up into your touch.

“Patience, baby boy,” you said, using your other hand to press his body back down into the mattress. “Let mommy take care of you, okay?” you said. Felix whined again but nodded in compliance, relaxing his body and placing his hands down at his sides. You slid your hand up over his slit, collecting the built up precum and using it as lubricant for your hand. Felix let out soft breathy moans every time you touched the head of his painfully hard dick, and you knew your pace was torturous for him, but you were going to see how long you could keep it up. As you stroked him slowly, you reached your other hand down and dipped it below the waistband of your sweatpants, dying for some relief of your own. Your fingers found their way to your clit and you rubbed slow circles at the same pace as your other hand was moving on Felix’s length.

“You’re so beautiful, seeing you like this made mommy so wet,” you whispered, making eye contact with your boyfriend as you pleasured both of you.

“Want to touch you too,” Felix whined, reaching out a hand towards your sweatpants that you still hadn’t removed. You took the hand off his length and swatted his hand away, as he whimpered at the denial and the loss of contact.

“Not now, baby, this is about you,” you hummed, grabbing his hand and placing it down on his stomach. You put your hand back on his dick, staying at the same pace. You knew it was killing him, but you weren’t going to speed up until he asked you to. The request came sooner than later, though, as Felix almost immediately groaned in an obvious attempt to tell you something was wrong.

“What’s wrong Lixie?” you asked, stopping your hand’s movement. He looked up at you with pleading eyes.

“Need more, faster,” he whined.

“Oh, is this not enough? You need more than what mommy is giving you? Good boys aren’t greedy, you know,” you said, resuming again at the slow pace. Felix’s eyes widened at your words as he scrambled to speak.

“N-No! No, I promise I’m a good boy, it just hurts, I’m sorry,” he pleaded. His voice tugged at your heart, you weren’t actually upset with him, you just wanted to tease him a little more. You suddenly sped up your pace without any warning, and Felix let out a strangled moan at your actions.

“Is this what you want?” you ask, stroking him at a quick pace and occasionally thumbing over his sensitive head. He nods, but you want to hear it.

“I said is this what you want?” you repeat, and he gets the hint.

“Yes mommy, fuck, so good,” he cries, the hand you placed on his stomach moving up to roam over his chest. He looks at you as if asking permission to touch himself, and you nod. His hand ghosts over his nipple before he brings it back and pinches it lightly, rolling the nub between his fingers and clenching his eyes shut. The sight is incredible, you can’t help but stare at the look of bliss and slight frustration on his face as he’s being touched by your hand and his own. You speed the pace of the hand you’re using to pleasure yourself, feeling yourself getting closer to release as you watch Felix bring his other hand to his chest, using both to lightly touch his sensitive nipples. Your hand on Felix stutters as you bring yourself to release, arching your back and moaning lowly. The relief washes over you and you enjoy it for just a moment before remembering the task at hand. You open your eyes to see Felix, eyes wide and staring at your blissed-out expression, mouth slightly open- which gives you an idea. You remove your hand from Felix’s member for a moment, and you also pull the hand that you’d been using on yourself out of your sweatpants, feeling Felix’s eyes on you as you bring your fluid soaked fingers to his mouth.

“Wanna taste?” you asked. He didn’t even bother to answer, eagerly taking your fingers into his mouth and sucking languidly. His tongue swirled around your digits for a moment as he looked straight into your eyes. You smiled brightly at him, pulling your fingers out of his mouth with a popping sound.

“Good boy,” you cooed, wiping the wet fingers on your sweatpants and leaning down to gently place a kiss on Felix’s forehead. “Now it’s all about you, okay? You’ve been so good for me, I think it’s time you get some relief too, do you agree?” you asked, sitting back up in the position you’d previously been in. Felix looked up at you, and you couldn’t help but smile at the look on his face, his naturally innocent appearance corrupted by his swollen lips and lust-blown eyes.

“Yes mommy,” he said, swallowing hard as you moved down in between his legs so you could lean down and give a small lick to the tip of his length. He shivered at the contact after you hadn’t touched him for a while, and you spit into your hand before wrapping it around the base of his dick. you lowered your mouth down onto his length, taking only the head into your mouth at first and sucking lightly. You slowly moved down his length, your hand working the part your mouth couldn’t reach. Felix moaned quietly, covering his mouth with his hand to muffle it. You pulled off of his dick with a lewd popping noise, sitting up to look him in the eye.

“Don’t hold back baby boy, i want to hear how good mommy makes you feel,” you said, and he let out a small whimper. You lowered your head to take him into your mouth again, this time setting a faster pace with your hand and your mouth working at the same time. Felix was overly sensitive from all of the teasing you’d put him through, so you knew he wouldn’t last long. You could really tell by the way he was trying his best to keep from bucking up into your mouth. You occasionally pulled up to suck lightly on just the tip, knowing how sensitive he was there. Felix let out a high pitched whine, signaling to you that he was about to finish, when you remembered how the video had ended. Usually, you would just let Felix finish in your mouth, but you had a different idea.

“Oh fuck, mommy, I’m gonna-“ he started, and you pulled your mouth off of his length, bringing him to his climax with only your hand, letting him spill all over his stomach with a loud strangled moan. Felix came down from his high breathing heavily, eyes closed and hands above his head. You smirked as you used a finger to scoop up the cum from his stomach, and he looked down at you confused for a moment before he realized what you were doing. You brought the finger up to his mouth, parting his lips with your thumb and sliding the digit between them so he could taste himself. This wasn’t something you’d done before, but it was how the video ended, so you thought you’d try it. Felix hummed around your finger as he sucked the liquid off it, swallowing his own fluids. When your finger was clean, you pulled it out of his mouth, again wiping it on your sweatpants and then bringing your hand up to caress Felix’s face before placing a gentle kiss to his swollen lips. You could feel him smile into the kiss before you pulled away, grabbing his discarded shirt and using it to wipe the rest of the cum off his stomach.

“Was that good, baby?” you asked, moving off of his legs so you could cuddle up against his side.

“Holy shit, y/n, that was amazing,” he said, his breathing still heavy and deep.

“I had no idea my baby boy was so kinky,” you teased, Felix’s face flushing red again as it had just calmed down.

“You don’t even know the half of it,” Felix mumbled, causing you to raise an eyebrow and sit up to look him in the eye.

“Really?” you asked. He nodded in response and you got excited just thinking about all the new things you’ll get to try with him. “You’ll have to show me sometime, but for now I think it’s time for you to sleep, you look exhausted,” you said, but by the time you finished your sentence, Felix was already drifting off into sleep.

[lailyn]

Take My Breath Away, Part 2

TW: Paralysis

Metro-General Hospital

“I think it’s Guillain-Barre syndrome.”

“Are you sure?” Christine asked in new-found anxiety. "Are you absolutely sure?"

“Of course I’m not,” Stephen said tersely. “I can’t be. But the clinical picture fits. He had the respiratory infection that was going around last week, and the tingling and weakness started today.”

For the hundredth time since he brought Loki in to the emergency room, fully paralysed from the waist down, he cursed himself. “I should have known something was up.”

How could he have missed the signs? The lingering weakness, the unsteady walking, the general malaise that was so out of character for Loki...all of them Stephen had simply put down to a post-viral infection fatigue, instead of something much more serious.

Life-threatening, a voice corrected. 

“Don’t beat yourself up, Stephen. It’s not helping.” Ever the voice of reason, Christine was still the grounding force he had once relied on. “Focus on what’s important.” 

“It’s progressing way too quickly,” Stephen said worriedly, staring through the observation window into the room where Loki was currently resting. 

“He hasn’t consented to assisted ventilation?”

Stephen shook his head, visibly morose. “He hates the idea of being put to sleep.”

“He’s going to tire soon,” Christine warned. “We’re risking respiratory failure.”

“I brought in the big gun.”

Stephen nodded at the tall figure whose silhouette they could see pacing Loki’s room like a caged tiger. “Let’s hope Thor can knock some sense into his brother.”

***************************

“Brother, you are clearly struggling. Why are you giving the doctors a difficult time?”

Loki refused to answer. He was not wasting precious breath explaining his reasoning, unreasonable as it may be, to someone so adamant in his mission to subjugate Loki to the mercy of doctors, human doctors who knew nothing about his kind.

"Loki, we don't have much time."

"There is no 'we' here, Doctor Banner."

Loki turned his head slowly to the other figure in the far corner of the room. 

Like a Shadow. Like Death. Just standing there waiting. 

“There is no treatment. You said so yourself.” Loki closed his eyes. He did not wish to see Thor's expression. Also, the double vision was worsening. “They can do nothing."

“Human immunoglobulin therapy is incompatible, and we are risking anaphylaxis with artificial plasma exchange,” Bruce repeated the conversation he had with Stephen word for word. "But there's still something we can do to help you tide this over - "

"There is no tiding over anything," Loki said in frustration; if he had the strength, he would have ripped out the oxygen-delivering cannula from his nose. "What you are doing is merely prolonging the inevitable."

"Going on life support is not a death sentence, Loki," Bruce said, his voice hard. 

"None of you can tell me with absolute certainty when you can take me off it," Loki rasped. "What was the 'ballpark' figure again? Weeks to month? No."

The outburst cost Loki energy he could not afford, and the harsh sounds of his gasps drowned the noises of the machines.

"Brother!" Stricken, Thor dropped into the chair and grasped Loki's shoulder. "Save your strength."

The wiry cords of muscles of Loki's normally slender neck bulged as the Asgardian struggled to pull air into his starving lungs, and Bruce could not help but stare. Soon, those muscles too, like the respiratory muscles in his thorax and diaphragm, would cease to function. 

When one's own immune system attacks one's own nerves, the result is devastating, Stephen had said. 

"I'm calling Strange," Bruce said.

“No, you are not,” Loki gasped. “I will not be put down like some kind of animal."

If Loki had seen the devastation in Stephen's eyes the moment Bruce told him they simply did not have enough of Loki's blood sequestered in storage for emergencies such as this, Loki would be singing a different tune.

"Stop being such an idiot," Bruce snapped. "Noone's putting you down, and you are not going to die. Get over yourself and snap out of it!"

Loki's sneer curled into a cruel, ugly smile. "Of course. I had no say in how I lived. How could I expect differently now that I am dying?"

"Loki," Thor growled warningly.

"What will you do, Brother?" Loki asked. "Take Mjolnir to my head? What will you do to force me to submit to you?"

Now that he was calmer, he could breathe easier.

Or perhaps, it was simply a momentary respite, a blessed, temporary relief before…

Before what?

Loki stared at the bright lights over his head and something in him died at the paradox of seeing something so glaring, so full of life, when the rest of his body from the neck down was shutting down.

"I wish to be alone."

***************************

"Any luck?" Stephen asked quietly.

He had pulled some strings and gotten Loki a private room, away from the public eye. It was good thinking on his part, for the expression on Thor and Bruce's faces as they stepped out of the room and into the hallway could only be described as murderous.

"There's no getting through to him," Bruce fumed. The physicist looked furious enough to punch a hole through the hospital wall, and for a precious moment, Stephen felt touched by the sentiment.

"Thank you," he said sincerely. "For trying."

Bruce pulled off his glasses and massaged his eyes. "So what do we do now? Just wait till he passes out and then stick a tube down his throat?" 

"Christine would never agree to that." 

"Surely you can do it?" Thor asked. 

"Physically, sure. Medicolegally? Ethically?" Stephen shook his head. "And I would never do that to Loki."

"Can't you make this immunogoblin thing? The one that you said wasn't compatible?" Thor pleaded. 

"IV immunoglobulin's derived from a large pool of plasma collected from thousands of blood donors, Thor," Bruce said glumly. "There's only one of him."

"But we've started saving Loki's blood, have we not?" Thor pressed. "Can't you two work with that?"

"Even if we had the resources to isolate and autotransfuse Loki with his own immunoglobulins, it will not be enough," Stephen said quietly. "And the treatment is only helpful in lessening the severity of the disease." 

"You don't mean…" Thor could not bring himself to complete his sentence.

"There is no known cure for Guillain Barre syndrome."

Thor's jaw gave an abrupt click, before his broad shoulders squared a split-second later. "Then I go to Jotunnheim."

Bruce's head whipped up, and together, the two humans stared at the God of Thunder like he had gone mad. 

"Quill can take me. We're good friends and he has a strong, sturdy ship." Thor's chest swelled in sheer determination. "We set course for Jotunnheim and I will come back with what you need."

Stephen fought to hold on to the last shred of composure, to keep his voice steady, "Loki will not last the night."

Thor turned as white as a sheet and began to shake.

"For Norns' sake, Man, will you not do something?"

The tears brewing in the stormy blue eyes was all the motivation Stephen needed; with a determined nod, he pushed Loki's door open and stepped inside.

***************************

Stephen watched Loki's chest rise and fall, shallow and laboriously slow. 

"I do not fear going to sleep," Loki finally spoke when he could no longer stand the deafening silence. 

"Then what is it?" Stephen begged. "What's got you so scared that you won't even try?"

"I fear coming out of it."

"What?"

Loki's lips wobbled. "I heard what your Christine said, about the possibility of permanent damage."

"Loki, we don't know anything about any of that."

But Loki was not listening, so consumed was he by his delusion. "I fear coming back a cripple. A degenerate."

Stephen could only stare at him, stunned. 

"I was broken when I came to you," Loki said quietly. "I cannot come back broken. Not again."

"You would rather die for fear of something you think's going to happen? Something unknown?" Stephen asked incredulously, the betrayal blatant in his eyes and bitter on his tongue.

"Then tell me something," Loki said softly. "Tell me that something unknown."

"When we first met..." Stephen's thumb danced across the back of Loki's insensate hand. To think that Loki could not feel him anymore, it hurt him beyond reason.

"You asked me how this was all going to end, for us," Stephen recalled. "Do you remember?"

"What about it?" Loki asked, his voice hollow. 

"This is not it," Stephen said, gripping Loki's hand firmly. "This is not how it ends."

Loki's eyes brimmed with tears. "Tell me how."

"I see you and me at the far edge of the world ." Stephen kissed Loki's eyelids, one after the other. "Standing shoulder to shoulder, just us."

"Standing?" Loki echoed breathlessly. 

Stephen nodded, and his own tears landed on the bed, darkening it in places. "At the altar too."

Loki let out a sob. 

"I love you, Loki." A hand grasped the side of his face tenderly. "Whole, broken, I don't care. I just love you."

"As do I," Loki wept silently. It was getting harder and harder to breathe, what with the invisible weight on his chest. "So very much."

Stephen kissed his mouth fiercely, long, hard and desperate.

"So you gotta do this for me. For us." Stephen's forehead felt hot against his. "Okay?"

"Okay." Loki breathed in as deeply as his constricted chest would allow, committing what he could of Stephen's scent to memory. "Okay."

In a matter of minutes, Loki found himself staring up into a pair of hazel eyes, familiar in their kindness, comforting in their confidence.

"We will take good care of you, Prince Loki," Doctor Christine Palmer smiled reassuringly. "Don't you worry about a thing."

She nodded at someone Loki could not see, and a mask was placed over his face. A sweet-smelling gas began to fill his mouth and Loki coughed weakly. 

"Shhh." A hand he knew very well caressed the top of his head. "Sleep, Brother."

Loki's vision blurred. Shadows merged into swaths of colours, of bright blues and greys.

Stephen.

His tears ran freely down the sides of his face but he could no longer feel them. 

He was floating, and there was no one there where he was going. 

Then he heard a whisper in his ear, "I'll be here when you wake."

There you are, Loki thought, and everything went black. 

[asuka--langley--soryu]

tagged by: @so1987​  thank you!!!

1. why did you choose your url?

I had just watched nge and wanted an asuka url and this was available lol. I have desperately and deeply wanted the single dash version for literally years but its never been available :// if you are hoarding it then pls know we are mortal enemies on this earth and i can and will fight you for it

2. any side blogs? if you have them, name them and why you have them.

well, first of all, this is a sideblog lol. my main is @paradoxspaces​

I’ve had various sideblogs over the years but at this point the only active one (aside from here) is an mcr/music sideblog @so-ingestible​. Once upon a time I ran @isgeorgehwbushdeadyet which is uhhh obviously now defunct but remains my pride and joy

3. how long have you been on tumblr? jfc since literally 2011 :/ ive seen it all and somehow stuck around which idk is probs in the dsm somewhere

4. do you have a queue tag? Is just ‘q’ right now, but back in the day I did used to have one of those dumb punny ones bc it was The Thing To Do

5. why did you start your blog in the first place? Started this blog bc I’d finished nge and was absolutely out of my mind about it and needed somewhere to vent that lol. Also I’d gotten this URL and it seemed a shame to waste it.

6. why did you choose your icon/pfp? this asuka has been one of my go-to pfps for yeaaars across various platforms. I like how judgemental she looks.

(tho just between you and me i have been thinking of changing it soon so mayhaps watch out for that)

7. why did you choose your header? I like the ‘red sea’ image and it’s not super obtrusive/obnoxious

8. which post of yours has the most notes? I have no idea lol I dont keep track of that. like i said i’ve been here since 2011 and have had multiple sideblogs in that time so is more work than its worth

9. how many mutuals do you have? is there a way to find this out that isn’t literally going through and counting? bc im like. not doing that.

10. how many followers do you have? 10k on here

11. how many people do you follow? 688

12. have you ever made a shitpost? lol yea sure whatever that even means

13. how often do you use tumblr? uh god probs too often? its really the only social media I use tbh

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog? who won? lol no, not really and especially not at this point. i just.....dont take tumblr seriously enough to muster the kind of energy to get into the maladjusted social thunderdome that goes on here. obvs i have been known to get snippy w anons and post about disagreeing w certain opinions bc i am, at the end of the day, a bitch, but i dont think thats the same thing lol.

however i will say that on my main (and off tumblr as well, unfortunately) circa 2012 I used to throw myself passionately and heroically into the most god awful unholy trenches of the vriscourse bc idk apparently i had nothing better to do back then and thought it was my mission from god to argue w people on reddit. if you know anything about the relationship between any given unmedicated 14 yr old prelesbian meangirl and vriska then you can probably guess how i acted--which is to say like an absolutely rabid fucking animal. 

15. how do you feel about ‘you need to share this’ posts? i ignore any posts longer than two sentences as a general rule

16. do you like tag games? (+) 17. do you like ask games? yes to both!

18. Which one of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous? o christ once again i have no fucking clue. if youre famous lmk

19. do you have a crush on a mutual? nah lol none of you are real

20. tags (no pressure!) o geez i will come back and edit this when im home xoxo

[lollybliz]

bout to make a Monster of a fic rec post here we go

heyo @jinx108! We’ll start with the complete ones because sometimes you’re just not in the mood to wait for the last chapter, you know? I don't remember details of all of these so i’m just going to copy the author’s summary rather than write my own. I am literally just going through my bookmarks, I got 400 of these to sort through. if ive talked to or am familiar with the author im gonna mention them, but if I mention you and you don't want me to have Please tell me and i’ll remove it.

If you’re not into spoilers Please Tread Carefully, I don't watch out for that stuff so I wont know to label it

1>Crushing Truth by Bunzuku: Tododeku. “Romance is hard enough for a teenager to understand when they have a good relationship role model. For Shoto, it takes two excited meddlers for him to even realize what his feelings really are.“

2>Disowned by b00mgh: tododeku + others. Unrated, some traumatic elements. “Shouto freaks out under a bridge and I use the word "grass" a lot more than I really should. Izuku does his stupid martyr thing and everyone makes continuous references to his propensity to break his bones. Aizawa goes "oh FUCK my kids are dying again" and his students use him as emotional (and physical) support. A friend requests angst, I say what kind, she say idk make someone get disowned and i say oh this I can absolutely provide my good buddy.”

3>cotton candy hands by @chonideno: Kiribaku. I will take Any excuse to rec this fic, its the most fluffy pile of feels Good Lord. also the first fic I ever bound into a physical book. “Studying to become a hero requires knowing how to take care of yourself. Sometimes you might need help on the way so if your crush offers to do your hair for you or to give you a well-deserved back rub, it'd be stupid to say no. A series of soft vignettes in which a love-struck Kirishima and a touch-starved Bakugou care for each other and it's definitely not making their hearts jump through hoops, they’re never this close to kissing, no, they're totally best friends bro“

4>Catching Sight of the Storm by neo7v: Kiribaku, tododeku. A considerable amount of Whump and related angst, and kinda sad tbh. “Blind. Quirkless. Useless.The first two things were stated clearly by the doctor that sat about five feet in front of Izuku. The third was a word that Kacchan called him everytime he failed to make the jump on whatever forest excursion they were on or when he ran into a tree because he hadn’t seen it. “I’m so, so sorry, Izuku.” Was his mom giving up on him already? But he could still be a hero if he tried hard enough, right? Quirkless or not. Blind or not. Just because Izuku was useless now didn’t mean he would stay that way forever, right? *** A Blind!Izuku AU”

5>Yell Heah by fakecharliebrown: Chatfic. M a n y pairings. technically complete, but part of an ongoing series. “Iida creates a group-chat for Class 1-A. It doesn't go as planned.“

6>Sunshine by Rosey_Note: BIG SAD. tw- failed suicide attempt. KiriKamiBaku. “They didn't deserve to put up with his crappy mood. Because Denki Kaminari did not feel like Sunshine right now. And they deserved sunshine. In fact, Denki didn't feel much of anything right now.“

7>Electric Connection by  Onlymostydead: ShinKami. “Kaminari's quirk has always had... Weird side affects. Like his ADHD. And his constant energy. And his insomnia, which wouldn't leave him be right now, when he really needed to just get some sleep. But, thankfully, he has good friends.“

8>The Best (The Worst) by Onlymostydead: no romantic pairing. tw- rampant transphobia, both outside and internalized. “Bakugou Katsuki has known who he was since he was four years old. He was a boy, it was as simple as that. Around his friends, at school... But things couldn't just be that simple, could they?“

9>Lichtenberg Figures by Q_loves_you: no definite romantic pairing. “Kaminari Denki has a very powerful force of nature running through his body. Kaminari Denki doesn't want to hurt anybody. He doesn't always get what he wants, and "anybody" does generally include himself.“

10>Eventuality by KikaTouka: ill be honest I don't remember this one at all, I maaaay not have read it yet :/. anyway. ShinKami. “Shinsou learns more than just hero lessons after being transferred to 1-A.“

11>Pickup Lines for the Soul by MustardSoup: ShinKami. “Denki is twelve when he is flicking through the TV channels and lands on an old RomCom movie about soulmate marks – specifically the same type that he has. “I can’t believe I’ve had to walk around with a cheap pickup line written on my ankle my entire life because of you!” The leading lady yells at the leading man as he stares at her in awe. Denki laughs. “Oh no.” His mother says, watching him. “Oh no, indeed.” His sister repeats quietly.“

12>caught in my own web by @anxioussailorsoldier: ShinKami. “Shinsou needs some help after getting caught up in his capture weapon. Kaminari enters from stage left.“

13>not so summer love by nataliya: ShinKami. “Class 2-B’s common room, although typically quiet, was currently filled with five students—three slowly giving up on homework, one bitching about noise and another that rushes through the front door. “We’ve been waiting for you—” Mina starts, but Kaminari’s vaulting over the back of the couch, eyes wide as he practically buzzes out of his skin, emitting light like crazy as currents dazzle across strands of hair. “I have a big ugly crush,” He steps off the couch and onto the coffee table, much to Bakugou’s chagrin, “On big ugly Shinsou.””

14>Blamed by coldandhotsoba: ShinKami. Tw- they fuckin kill a guy and its a lil nasty. “This was not how the day was supposed to end. They were supposed to end the day like they do most nights.  Kaminari clutching onto him like a koala as he slept, wrapped in the millions of tacky blankets Kaminari had bought. Warm and safe in their bed. It was not supposed to end with both of them tied up in some cold metal room.“

15>Lightning Scars by Present-Mics-Scream (write_your_way_out): Shinkami. “It's hard to be confident in your abilities when you're surrounded by people with incredible quirks. Shinsou Hitoshi would know better than anyone. Sure, he was admitted to the hero course in his second year, but being admitted to the hero course, and keeping up with the rest of the class are two different things. Lucky for him, Kaminari is there to prove that the flashiest quirks come with the largest drawbacks.“

16>See No Evil, Hear No Evil by randomfan188: no romantic pairing. “Kaminari Denki is legally blind. When he forgets to wear his contacts and breaks down during math class, comfort appears in the strangest of ways.“

17>how not to enjoy the weather, an article by kaminari denki by dreamtowns: no defined romantic pairing. “If there was one thing Kaminari hated the most in a world wth villains, it would have to be thunderstorms.“

18>”Studying” by emmyrox22: ShinKami, EraserMic. “Shinsou and Kaminari have been “studying” together for a while (but not for school). Shinsou gets stopped by his dads on the way to another “study” session and mistakes are made“

19>Weaknesses by sunflowerstorm: ShinKami. “Kaminari's quirk and storms compliment each other in the worst way, but he's convinced he can deal with it on his own... until he really can't any longer. When Shinsou accidentally overhears Aizawa confronting Kaminari about recent changes in behaviour and hears about the hell his quirks been putting him through, he can't just pretend he never heard. He wants to help.“

20>it’s hurt denki hours by memeingfultrash: ShinKami + others. ““Certain members of our class are...under the impression that...you’re the traitor.” Denki’s body went cold and felt like he was going to short circuit. ~some of class 1a believes that denki is the traitor and avoid him”

21>Petition to replace Mineta with Shinsou- (signed by Kaminari Denki) by CharaTheQuartz: ShinKami + others. This is one of my favorites, I go back to reread it from time to time. It SAYS 41/42, but that's just a glitch cus chapter 36 doesn't exist for some reason, I talked to the author about it and its fine. “Mineta brings shame to the color purple. You know who does not bring shame to the rich color, but pride and sexual tension to one infatuated Kaminari Denki instead? Shinsou Hitoshi, aka sexy zombie man, aka the most perfect hunk of a man to walk planet earth, aka future husband. Shinsou has finally gotten his chance to prove himself to the hero course, and he did more than prove himself. The only question left unanswered is whether he will start in A or B, and how Kaminari can manipulate the end result.“

22>How to Get a Boyfriend (in Four Easy Steps!) by e1ana: ShinKami, EraserMic, + others. “Step 1: Get kicked out of the house by your homophobic parents. Step 2: Run headfirst into your brooding, mysterious crush. Step 3: Sleep in his dad’s (see: your homeroom teacher) house Step 4: Watch everything you thought you knew go to shit. This isn’t exactly the sweet, romantic plan that Kaminari Denki longed for. Will everything be ok, or will step 5 be to crash and burn?“

23>Bakugou and Todoroki’s Foolproof 5-Step Plan to Fuck with Mineta Minoru by Anubis_2701: Kiribaku, TodoDeku, + others. This is another one of my favorites, and the one I am currently folding and sewing into a physical book. you learn how to do funny things when bored and quarantined ig. “It was a simple enough idea; screw around with the resident bastard of Class 1-A to let him know that his medieval ways and perverted behaviour weren't going to be tolerated by even the most career-focused of UA's students. To say that things had snowballed was an understatement. Todoroki had no idea how he had ended up sitting on Bakugou's floor at 1 am, holding a dossier of incriminating material that would make the FBI slobber, but he wasn't sure he wanted to know. The long and short of it was, fuck Mineta.”

24>Colour Theory by chancellorxofxtrash: TodoBakuDeku. this one’s a series. “Midoriya/Bakugo/Todoroki slow burn soulmate AU. All three of them are nerds with their own emotional issues, trying to navigate their way through becoming heroes, and their own relationship with each other.“

25>Summer Sunshine by Mara97: TodoDeku. Ever want a Barbie in a mermaid tale/Bnha crossover? No? well here you go anyway! “Instead of worrying about college, Izuku spends his summer vacation finding out his father is, supposedly, a dead merman king and going on a quest to dethrone the current king, Endeavor. Along the way, Izuku becomes close to the three journeying with him, makes friends with strangers, starts crushing on an unattainable prince, and, in the end, learns to love himself. Oh, and he saves a kingdom, too.“

26>The snowflakes on our skin and the flames in our soul are one (and the same), my love by missunderstuffyou: TodoDeku, Kiribaku. this is one of the ones I keep a running reread comment going on. its at,,, 6, atm.  “Before your quirk begins to present itself, the soulmate link comes through, and suddenly whatever you write upon your own skin appears on the body of your soulmate. As your soulmate writes to you, the emotions they feel follow through the ink.Izuku Midoriya is four years and a few months old when he first feels the slight ebbing in his arms. It doesn’t hurt… he can just feel something, and it’s enough to make him sprint into his mother’s arms screaming that his quirk is coming. She had been washing in the kitchen, and the sudden screech as her son rockets into her side is enough to make her jump with panic, immediately grabbing at him and looking for cuts and bumps before she understands his words and the stupidly bright, alight smile on his face with large, watery, hopeful eyes. Shoto Todoroki doesn’t feel his soulmate connection open up. It is drowned in the aches of a small body worked far too hard.“

27>It was dark inside the closet by Chad_Champion69420: Pre-ShinDeku? maybe? its tagged shindeku but like. it’ll make sense if you read it. “Midoriya is invited to a party. He and Shinsou decide to play a little trick on the rest of the party during Seven Minutes in Heaven.”

28>how to woo your local trash gremlin: a comprehensive guide by Todoroki shouto by wonhaebunny: TodoBaku. this is the fic that dragged me into todobaku, fun fact. “five times shouto tries to confess to bakugou, and one time he doesn't bother tryingaka: wikihow is a scam and bakugou is a terrible, terrible boy“

29>top ten photos taken right before disaster by Shookspeare: ShinDeku. “Izuku participates in a harmless prank, only to end up ruining it and running for dear life.“

30>Secrets to Share by pechebaie: no definite romantic pairing. “Kirishima comes out first, and nothing changes. Kirishima and Kaminari still hang out to complain about class and talk about boys - and sometimes girls, too, in Kaminari’s case; he still plans stupid pranks with Sero that get them sent to the principal’s or nurse’s office every time; Ashido still kicks his ass at Mario Kart without hesitation; and Bakugou doesn’t get angry at him any more than he usually does.“

31>What One Hides by Pinalinet: TodoDeku. “All Might gives class 1-A an unusual assignment that results in Midoriya Izuku and Todoroki Shouto attending a weekly acting class. But with a mysterious villain targeting individuals without Quirks, and a developing issue of Todoroki's own, an after-school assignment is the least of their worries.“

32>whether or not we’re fated, we’re meant to be by juurensha: KINDA SPOILERY. TodoDeku + others. “Todoroki didn’t have a soulmark for most of his life.His siblings all did, but up until the day of the U.A. entrance exam, he had shoved the idea aside. It’s not like they could help him anyway. And then a 9 appears on his chest, and a green-haired boy barrels into his life with a fire and ice soulmark on his arms, and suddenly Todoroki cares very much about all this could mean.”

33>The Midnight Shift by meiishu @meiishu @totallytodoroki (idk which you’d rather I attach so I went with both): ShinKami. ““Hey Toshi,” Denki says, and he laughs, clearly embarrassed. He’s got on a jean jacket that did him absolutely no help and a white tee shirt that is currently stuck to his torso. It’s got a pikachu design in the center. “By any chance, do you sell umbrellas?” “You really went out in this weather.” Hitoshi deadpans, instead of dignifying that with an answer. or hitoshi works the midnight shift at the gas station, which also doubles as a pokestop for pokemon go. of course, denki is a regular.”

34>Rock the House by AkabaneKayo: ShinKami. “It wasn’t just his bed. It was his entire fucking room shaking. Only one thought crossed his mind at that moment: “Holy shit. My room is haunted.”“

35>Technically, they’re morning kisses by CharaTheQuartz: ShinKami. “Most nights, Shinsou cannot fall sleep. Neither can Kaminari. It seems counterproductive to have a sleepover then, but they try to make it work. And they fail, but that is okay.“

36>someone to call mine by nearly_theyre: ShinKami, EraserMic “From: Me wish you were here, denks From: kitten 💛💘💛 what if i was tho? OR Four times Denki snuck into Hitoshi's room and one time he walked through the front door.“

37>Pretty by Onlymostydead (noticing some repeat authors? me too): no definite romantic pairing. “(Or, Kaminari still can't figure out bra clasps.) Kaminari has never really felt good about himself. Herself? Whichever way, not knowing doesn't make anything easier. Especially when he (she?) and Mina have their bodies swapped during training, and everything seems too right.“

38>If I offer you my hand, will you take it? by bleukitsune: Kiribaku. SPOILERY. ““Why?” Kirishima leaned back on his hands, trying to create some space between them. Too close. The ash-blond looked really nervous, his usually arrogant and cunning demeanor gone. “What do you see when you look at me? Kirishima is worried. Bakugou is hurting. After his confrontation with Midoriya, he finally reaches out to him. “

Theres way more but I haven't tagged them properly yet so that m a y come later if I can ever finish going through and adding my sorting tags.

and then a last few that Are Not Complete but im really very fond of them. not as many as id like to add, but my hands are getting tired tbh.

39>State of Mind by GuardianOfTheLoaf: no relationship YET but its looking like it’ll be either tododeku or shindeku, probably the former. EraserMic. tw- childhood neglect and severe depression. Izuku’s not a happy kid. “Izuku was a late bloomer, his quirk lying dormant until his tenth birthday when in a fit of emotion he grabs his mother and she disappears. With All Might slowly restoring his confidence Izuku begins the difficult journey into becoming a hero.“ 18/? chapters.

40>Izuku Eats His Problems by CosmicAce: ShinDeku. Izuku’s a flerkin, what more could you want? “His whole life, Izuku Midoriya was taught to keep his powers, his Quirk, hidden from the world. His kind were feared, hunted to near extinction because of it. He just wants to show people he’s different. That he can be a HERO. And nothing is going to stop him. Even if his Quirk IS like an eldritch abomination.“ 43/? chapters

and then probably my current favorite bnha fic- although it fights with Apertum Mortem for that spot but that ones d a r k and not here-

41>family of the year by periiwren: EraserMic. “Hitoshi is done. Done with moving around every few months to a couple that will scrutinize him and eventually dump him right back where he started. Good thing he’s well past his strike limit now- at least he can stay in one place, be content to age out of the system and finish out his training with Aizawa. Maybe transfer into the hero course, maybe be a hero- but none of that was guaranteed. The only thing for sure was that he was going to stay in that center for the rest of his childhood. Or so he thought- because Aizawa Shouta and Yamada Hizashi have other plans.“ 24/? chapters. we’ve been informed that this one’s gonne be l o n g and im Very Grateful.

42>Here There Be Dragons by here_and_there: pre-ShinDeku. “Izuku looked at the small circle Aizawa had motioned to in front of them. "I won't fit," he whispered, thinking. He raised his hand, tentatively. Sighing, Aizawa grumbled, "What?" "I-I have a question. Actually, two." His teacher just stared at him, unimpressed. Izuku continued. "Can we activate our quirks before we step into the ring?" Aizawa looked up into the sky, muttering something Izuku didn't hear. "If you must." "O-Okay. Uh, second question. You said we have to stay inside the circle, right?" "Yes." The man looked disappointed, not only in Izuku but in himself for letting the kid speak. "Great. Uh... does that include tails?"“ 6/? chapters.

43>Another Option by sandersonsister: TodoBakuDeku, Touya/Hawks, Dabi/Hawks. Potentially Spoilery, depends on whether horikoshi has the guts to confirm Touya. this one is waiting around the corner with a baseball bat, its really cute, and then r e a l l y painful. it might be getting better though. maybe. it might be getting worse. “When Touya stops his mother from hurting Shouto, he decides enough is enough. He needs to get out of this house and he's taking his baby brother with him.“ 33/? chapters.

That's it i’m done for now, oof. maybe ill edit more onto this post later, maybe i’ll just make another one. hope some of these work!

[adenil-umano]

12 Days of Spones Day 1: Snow

[Read on AO3]

Poeth Iawn IV was the coolest planet orbiting the trinary star cluster P-I VH10034. Temperatures on the surface averaged 50 degrees celsius at night, and a balmy 63 during the day. It was too hot for a human without about a liter of tri-ox coursing through their veins, and even vulcans declared it “shorts and a t-shirt” weather. The generational ship--sent from Earth in 2112 and arriving just last year--had, of course, not packed any of the tri-ox that would not be invented for another fifty years.

Records of the ship had been lost on Earth, so the Federation didn’t find out about the few hundred human colonists slowly melting on the planet until the distress calls started coming through. The first suggestion was to evacuate. Find a new home for the colonists and declare this planet unfit for human habitation. But humans are stubborn things, and although the colonists had only lived on the lifeless cinder of a planet for a year they had already decided to call it home. They’d scuttled their ship and dug into the ground, where temperatures were a few degrees colder and the air was a few oxygen molecules short of a full breath.

Underground was where Dr. Leonard McCoy found himself shuttling hyposprays back and forth in regular intervals, keeping the scientists and colonists alive as the Enterprise crew installed weather control towers that would hopefully provide a bit of respite. 

“Jim, you can’t just wander around shirtless. That’s not a heat reduction plan.”

“Don’t know what you’re talking about, Bones. I’m perfectly cool.”

“Perfectly sweaty is more like. Jim, you’re dripping. It’s disgusting.”

“You wound me.”

“‘Do no harm’ does not apply to your ego.”

“You don’t hear me complaining about your pit stains.”

“Don’t make me jab you with this,” McCoy said, brandishing the hypospray threateningly. “I know all the pressure points in the human body.”

Jim pouted and reluctantly tugged his shirt back on, offering up his arm meekly for the hypospray.

“Honestly,” McCoy muttered. “I should just leave you here to fester. You’d be singing a different tune in about three hours when the last of the HeatSync and tri-ox wear off.”

He slapped Jim’s arm and shooed the captain away. He worked quickly through the line of engineers waiting for their shots, and then the dozen grateful colonists. Forty-seven of them had died of heat stroke before the Federation could arrive with aid, and the remainder weren’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth. Even if said-gift horse did require them to keep their damned shirts on.

When he’d finished he still had one hypospray sitting pretty in his kit. He didn’t have to consult his list to know who had missed their daily regiment. With a sigh, he packed up his things and took out his tricorder. He’d dealt with this problem yesterday, and the day before, and the week before that, so his tricorder was already set to detect Vulcan biosigns.

He followed the signal through the main cave system and past the clusters of engineers drilling support structures into the rocks. Later, the weather towers would have feet that thrust a full kilometer into the ground. They needed to stand firm and tall. Weather control was still an uncertain science, and the surface of the planet would be prone to bouts of extreme storms.

He found Spock hiding in a garden. The colonists had filled the caves with mushrooms and dark-loving plants. It was dim, with only a faint biolumenscent glow from some of the lichen to light the rows and rows of mushroom boxes. Spock stood along the far wall which swooped some three meters up to the curvedceiling. His tricorder beeped steadily as he scanned every inch with delicate precision. Even in the shadows, his body language belied intense concentration.

He thought about clearing his throat and startling Spock, but something held him back. McCoy merely watched him for a moment. Spock’s hair caught the green light from the lichen and his high cheekbones were even sharper than normal in the shadowed light. He finished his examination of the wall and closed his tricorder with a click.

“My apologies, Doctor,” Spock said, turning towards him. 

“Lose track of time? Again?” McCoy asked. He tugged on his shirt to get air flowing. It was a few degrees cooler underground but it still wasn’t pleasant, even while standing still. 

“No. I was merely...enraptured with a certain problem I believe I am quite close to solving.”

“Does your rapture allow you to get a booster shot? Or will that throw off your flow?”

Spock inclined his gracefully. With a laugh, McCoy moseyed over and pressed the hypospray against Spock’s arm. McCoy brushed his thumb over the injection site. Doctors hadn’t used needles in over two centuries, but he still indulged in a few comforting gestures now and again. He let his hand trail down and interlaced his fingers with Spock’s. A warmth infused him as Spock shared a wave of contentment with him.

“So, what problem are you working on?”

“One that I believe will provide a more lasting solution to the Poeth colonists’ weather problem.”

“Oh? Weather towers aren’t good enough for you?”

“Indeed, they are not. Even on Earth, where the use of weather towers is most mature, the technology has never successfully changed global temperatures by more than four degrees.”

“I thought you said the scientists were hopeful they could build a better system here?”

“Initially, yes, that is what I believed. However, even if projections prove to be accurate the global temperature will be reduced by a mere five degrees.”

“At least it would be livable, if not comfortable.”

“Then there is the issue of tower maintenance. For a new colony that has yet to establish a reliable food source this may  prove to overwhelm their capacity.”

McCoy sighed. He leaned in and rested his head against Spock’s shoulder, breathing deeply to steady himself. Spock was the only thing on this whole planet that didn’t smell of sweat. He just smelled a bit warm and a bit earthy, probably from hanging out with mushrooms all day. “Yeah,” McCoy muttered. “I was thinking about that, too. The Federation will have to establish a supply line.”

“Given how close such a line would come to the Romulan neutral zone that is not a guaranteed solution. Ships do not come this far often, and if even one were to go missing it could upset the delicate balance of supplies here.”

“So? What’s your grand, Vulcan plan to solve the problem and save all these people?”

“Simple. I will move the planet.”

“Move the--Spock, I think you’ve been spending too much time communing with the fungus.”

“Although it is no easy task, it is one we have accomplished before, albeit to a lesser degree. When we deflected the course of the asteroid bound for Amerind we utilized similar principles to the ones that may yet save the people of Poeth Iawn.”

“That was just an asteroid. You’re talking about moving an entire planet. And if I recall correctly it nearly blew out every circuit in the ship.”

“As I said, it is no easy task.”

“Mr. Spock you are the master of understatement,” McCoy said dryly. He leaned in to give Spock a peck on the cheek. “Well, can I help at all? What are your calculations looking like?”

“The calculations are complete. I know how to move the planet. I was merely scanning the cave structures to determine the likelihood that the underground system would be destroyed in the process.”

“Will it?”

“With the proper support structures in place I believe upwards of 83.2% of the cave structure will remain intact during the moving process.”

“That’s good. As dingy as this place is, it’s still these people’s home. I suppose I can let you get back to your study.”

“Not necessary, Doctor. I am ready to report my findings to the Captain.” Spock’s eyes flashed brightly in the dim light. “Would you care to indulge in one of your human traditions with me? I believe this calls for a ‘celebratory kiss.’”

McCoy laughed. “Why, Mr. Spock, I would be delighted.” He bounced up on his toes and met Spock in the darkness, sliding together with the ease of long practice, and with the ease of a rather gross amount of sweat. McCoy hummed as he felt Spock’s hot hand settle onto his lower back. They kissed in the sweltering cave among loam and mushrooms, a brief celebration cut short by the itchy heat. 

McCoy pulled away and tugged at his shirt again. “Sorry, Spock, but it’s a bit too warm for a true celebration.”

“A pity,” Spock said. He let his hand fall and McCoy sighed in a mixture of disappointment at the loss and relief at the removal of Spock’s overwhelming warmth. “Perhaps later, when it is cooler.”

“You took the words right out of my mouth.”

---

After that came the real work. Spock’s plan wasn’t easy, and it required a complete redirection of energy from everyone working on the planet and on the Enterprise. Not to mention the hours of negotiations with the Captain and the leaders of Poeth Iawn. Surprisingly--or perhaps not--the colonists were eager to try Spock’s plan. It was Jim who required convincing, and after a few late nights poring over Spock’s data he finally agreed to go through with it.

The towers, half-built, were dismantled rapidly and repurposed into support structures for the winding cave systems. Anyone who wasn’t working on supporting the caves prepared for a temporary evacuation. They harvested food, put their experiments in stasis, and said goodbyes to rocks that may be buried under rubble in a few day’s time. Humans were funny like that, McCoy mused as he continued the only job he was good for: administering shots. The colonists had developed connections to the planet, connections that ran deep despite their short time here. They had favorite underground streams and familiar crystal formations. Some loved this passageway or that the way one loves a treasured pet. Spock’s estimate of how much of their home was likely to be destroyed didn’t sit well with them, that much was clear. They wanted to say goodbye while they had the chance.

It took eight days to secure the underground caverns and to transport the colonists to the Enterprise. Quarters would be tight during the moving of the planet, but staying four or five to a room was safer than trying to stay standing on a planet that was about to be rocked. McCoy found himself rooming with Scotty and Sulu, and the three stayed up late toasting to future successes. McCoy awoke with a headache and a bad taste in his mouth, his skin tingling with anticipation for what the day would bring.

The whole ship was overtaken by a hush, despite the overcrowding situation. People passed each other with only a whisper, everyone’s thoughts on what would happen on the planet below.

McCoy found his way to the bridge with a headache hypo he discreetly delivered to a very-thankful Sulu. After that he loitered near Spock’s station, carefully out of the way. He could feel Spock’s nervous energy even without touching him and he radiated back as much calm contentment as he could. Occasionally Spock looked up from his calculations, his mouth pinching in at the sight of McCoy. It could have been called a smile, if McCoy had wanted to insult his partner. 

“We are ready to proceed, Captain.”

“Good. Captain to Engineering. Scotty, any final adjustments?”

“Not a one, Captain. We’ve got the hatches battened down firmer than drum.”

“You think the Enterprise will hold?”

“Aye, Captain. You give the order and she’ll hold, even if I do have to nurse her through it.”

Jim nodded, sitting back in his chair. A slight tinge of anxiety rippled through the bridge as everyone poised to act. McCoy wasn’t useful for this part of it, and he hoped to hell he wouldn’t be made useful by anything blowing up.

“Mr. Spock, you may begin.”

Spock’s hands flew over the controls. Sulu and Chekov both moved in unison to bring the Enterprise about. McCoy was certain he imagined the slight shudder as the ship crept into position. Through the viewscreen, the barren landscape of Poeth Iawn IV crept into view. Stark red rock broken only by dry riverbeds and the occasionally wispy cloud peered up like an eye examining the ship. 

“Begin tractor beam on my mark,” Spock said. His voice didn’t waver, but something about the way he said it made McCoy reach out one hand and light brush Spock’s wrist bone. “Three, two, one...mark.”

The entire ship really did shudder as the most powerful tractor beam ever conjured shot forward. It was a brilliant gold color, and the vibrations of it set McCoy’s teeth on edge. The beam fired in waves, each driving precisely into various points across the planet’s surface. They concentrated near the equator, tiny spurts of incredible force. The planet appeared to move, but in reality it was the Enterprise skirting around to improve the angel McCoy knew it was a delicate balance between moving the planet and not knocking it completely out of orbit or accidentally stopping its rotation. 

Spock’s gaze was fixed on his readings, so McCoy watched the sight of the tractor beam bathing the planet in gold with fixed interest, attempting to commit it to a memory that he could share with Spock later. Spock deserved to see all the fruits of his labor, not just the numbers and calculations. 

It took nearly eighty minutes for the dazzling light show to die down. When the last beam fizzled out, everyone on the bridge breathed a sigh of relief. Jim called down to engineering and found out that only a single switch board had blown; the engines were fine. 

“We could do it again if you’d like, Captain.”

Jim smiled. “No, Scotty. Once is enough.” He relaxed back into his chair. “Report, Mr. Spock?”

“Planet movement is within margin of error. The spin has been increased by approximately thirteen Earth-minutes, bringing the total length of a Poeth Iawn day to twenty-two hours and forty-nine minutes thirteen seconds. If the planet continues on this course it will move far enough from the planet to equalize to a temperature on par with pre-Industrial Revolution Earth. Most interestingly, we are seeing climate patterns emerge for the first time.”

“Look,” McCoy said. “Is that...snow?”

Even Spock turned to gaze at the screen. The wispy clouds dotting the planet had thickened and coalesced, coming together to form something which, form above, appeared suspiciously similar to a snowstorm. It was difficult to make out from this angle.

“Captain, recommend the deployment of a surface team to measure the effects.”

“Request granted. Assemble the team.”

Spock called for the ship’s climatologist and for two geologists. Of course, McCoy and Jim went as well, if only because they were curious. Based on Spock’s initial measurements everyone wore the winter uniform: gloves, hats, long sleeves, and thermal undershirts. It felt odd to prep for an away team that involved a scarf.

McCoy beamed down to the surface of the planet for the first time. It was quiet, almost eerily so. The stone beneath his feet was rough pumice, and although there was a faint chill in the air there was no snow here yet. He looked up and watched the clouds gather, twisting and turning. 

A few feet away Spock was scanning madly. After a moment he clicked shut his tricorder and turned to Jim. “Captain, I can report that the structural damage to the tunnel systems was minimal. We can begin reintegrating the colonists at this location immediately.”

“Shouldn’t we go to their cave system and see it ourselves?”

“We are at the cave system, Captain.” Spock pointed to few disturbed stones nearby. “This is the entrance.”

Jim looked down at the ground, perhaps imagining, as McCoy was, all the miles and miles of tunnels just beneath their feet. After a moment, he nodded. “Very well. Specialist Tian, coordinate with the shuttle bay and transporter room. Let’s get these people home.”

A breeze picked up as everyone scattered to their tasks. McCoy shivered, shoving his hands deep into his pockets. It took only a few minutes for the whine of the transporters to begin. It would be hours before everyone was back on the planet. The initial six that beamed down appeared to be a family: two mothers and their kids, plus an elderly grandfather, all gazed wide-eyed up at the sky.

McCoy looked up, grinning. There was a glint and then--yes, there. A single snowflake twirled through the air down, down towards the red surface. McCoy followed it’s path, entertaining himself with thoughts of snowflakes boldly going where no snow had gone before. 

The flake landed in Spock’s perfectly coifed hair and McCoy laughed, ambling over to brush it away. “Mr. Spock, you’ve prevented the first snowflake from landing. That’s mighty cruel of you; after all the hard work it put in to forming itself way up there you didn’t let it reach the ground.”

Spock blinked at him. “I do not believe snowflakes have an opinion about where they land.” As he spoke, more snow dusted his hair and his long eyelashes. 

McCoy watched him as he was slowly covered in snow, a grin on his face and warmth in his heart. It was falling faster now, the kind of fast, warm snow that he’d only seen during fall days spent visiting the Midwest. Behind him, the children began to shriek with joy and run screaming around the rocks.

All around them the world was slowly coated  in a layer of white. The red vanished piece-by-piece, replaced by a snow so clean that it hurt to look at. McCoy laughed and watched his breath crystalize in the air. He lifted his face towards the sky and threw his arms wide, welcoming the snow and the cold and all that it meant for this planet and its people.

“My god, Spock. Will you look at that?”

“I am looking, Doctor.”

He turned and felt his breath catch as his eyes locked with Spock’s. Spock gazed at him evenly, lovingly, and McCoy shivered even though he no longer felt cold. 

Spock slipped closer, reaching out to entangle their fingers and share a bright burst of happiness with McCoy. “Will you indulge me, Leonard?”

“A celebratory kiss?”

“If you would be so kind.”

McCoy laughed, and it was the easiest thing in this world or any other to lean in and press their bodies together. He felt all of Spock--his warmth and solidity, his stoic energy, the smoothness of his lips. McCoy let Spock pull him close into that warm embrace and kissed the dewy snow from his cheeks.

They kissed as the world turned beneath them, altered for the better, and as snow piled up around their feet.

[blondeblackwidow]

Could you write a fic about the Resistance meeting a Kenobi!reader who used to be Snokes old apprentice, and over time Poe begins to fall for her? I love your writing and if you do choose to write this request, the fluffier the better❤️

M e t a n o i a ( Poe Dameron x Reader )

prompt:  Could you write a fic about the Resistance meeting a Kenobi!reader who used to be Snokes old apprentice, and over time Poe begins to fall for her? I love your writing and if you do choose to write this request, the fluffier the better❤️ +  I’m the anon that sent the Kenobi!reader ask in, I forgot to say that the reader wasn’t Snokes apprentice willingly and she was taken as a child.

a/n; holy fuck i feel like i just poured my soul into this. this was something i played with a while on my own and i can’t get over how proud of it i am. thank you for this request, anon! i would zone out for hours just writing, and that hasn’t happen since like eighth grade. title is a greek word for a journey of self discovery.

song: the archer - taylor swift

t/w: slight mentions of child abduction and manipulation, very minor though.

w/c: 3150 ( omg )

-

D’Qar was loud, and the air was thick as it hit your skin. The sun hidden behind clouds, it was still considerably warmer than the Supremacy. You stepped off the transport, black boots hitting the pavement, the rest of you covered by the oversized brown robe. 

You’d never seen Leia Organa before. But you knew her son, and the minute you saw her eyes, you knew who she was.

You lowered your hood. “General.” You breathed with a smile. She greeted you with a handshake, and the most comforting of smiles. She radiated a motherly energy you had never known, not in this life at least. 

“Welcome, I’m so happy you got here safely, and you took me up on my offer.” 

“It seems our families can never live without each other.” You responded, and Leia gestured you further into the base. 

“Let’s talk in my office, and I’ll see about getting you something with some color.” She guided you amongst crowds. Her office was small by most standards, but felt comfortable and homely. She took a seat and you followed suit.

The air was tense, full of unanswered questions. 

“He’s alright, doing well, all things considered.” You offered, and her shoulders seemed to relax.

“You didn’t have to..” She started, and you waved your hand.

“It’s nothing, I know you must hold your breath everyday when it comes to him.” You spoke softly, as if people were listening. “He talked about you a few times, it was always brief, but he did.” 

“Thank you.” Leia reached out and squeezed your hand. The door opened behind you two and you saw a man, standing in the doorway, holding a wad of clothing.

“Ma’am Pava sent me in here with these.” He held up what looked like a shirt and pants. “She said you asked if she had spare uniforms?” 

“Well yes because she’s always in her pajamas or her flight suit.” Leia reached her hand out and he gave them to her, sparing you a cautionary glance. “All of black squadron seems to operate that way.” 

He opened his mouth to object, but she kept talking. “This is Poe Dameron, one of my top commanders and pilots.”

“THE top pilot, ma’am.” He turned to fully look at you, and you introduced yourself.

“She and I have family history.” Leia answered before Poe could ask. He didn’t take his eyes off you though.

“Have I met you before?” You swallowed thickly, clamming up to find a lie. You remembered him as soon as he started talking. 

“The Resistance will not be intimidated by you.” He struggled out to breathe.

“We’ll see.” Kylo said from in front of you, not yet aware that you had entered the room. The man you now know as Poe starts to scream.

“Ren, you’re needed by the supreme leader.” Most of your face covered by a hood, you avoid the curious gaze from the chair in front of you both.

“It’s in a droid, a BB unit.” He barked on his way out. You take one glance at the man before you leave, hesitating.

“No, I don’t believe we have.” You forced a smile. “It’s been a pleasure though.” You turned your gaze back to Leia, who cleared her throat.

“You’re excused, Commander.” He took a breath to object, but it died on his tongue. He offered a small smile and excused himself.

“I was there, when Ren…” You trailed off, staring at the now closed door. “How am I supposed to….”

“He may look tough, but he’s got his mother’s heart.” She sighed, standing and collecting a few more things. “He’ll understand, probably more than most.”

“I hope so.” Leia smiled and gestured toward the door. 

The quarters she gave you were smaller than yours on the Supremacy, but far less daunting. Glossy black walls had been replaced with cracked stone, this whole base a work in progress.The uniforms were more relaxed, and people smiled as you walked past, though you couldn’t shake the feeling that they saw right through you. Cracked foundations were held together by hope, maybe here, you thought, you could start to heal what Snoke shattered. 

You were going to go out and explore. You grabbed an old brown satchel, and went to place your saber inside. It was silver with a gold band around the emitter, black striping down the sides bleeding into the solid black band around the hilt, gold circles breaking up the darkness. Kylo thought little of it, said it looked too much like a Kenobi’s lightsaber. For once in your life though, you were happy you had something to remind you of the light that coursed through your veins. It would need a new crystal, the old one corrupted by the dark side, but that was a question for Leia at a later time.

The walk to the airfield was peaceful, on the ship, all you had was recycled air. But there was something about the breeze and the smell of wildflowers and trees. And if you were honest, the smell of the engines burning fuel was better than the nothingness that you had become accustomed to. 

Your eyes quickly set sight on the obnoxious X Wing that sat front and center. Black with an orange stripe, while it was Hux’s responsibility to know the specs of the Resistance, you knew that it was the ship that always meant trouble. You walked up to it and ran a hand down the side. The side panels were rough against your hand, but you liked it here, the perfection of the First Order became suffocating after a while.

“Can I help you?” A voice behind you asked. You turned to see the man from earlier, Poe, you think his name was. 

“Oh no, I’ve just never seen an X Wing in person before.” You laughed. “They’re just so legendary in my mind.”

“You a pilot?” He asked, walking closer. His black hair was messy, and there was grease on his orange flight suit.

You shook your head. “Oh no, my grandpa flew A Wings during the Clone Wars but other than that we’re a pretty ground bound family.” 

“Was your grandpa a clone?” Poe asked, and you furrowed your brows. 

“No?”

“Well because droids were used by the separatists and clones by the republic.” He laughed. “So unless your grandfather was a clone, that doesn’t work.” 

“There were civilians in the Republic.” You rolled your eyes. 

“I guess.” He shrugged his shoulders, you knew he didn’t buy it. But you were okay with it, it was something to talk about at another time. A reason to talk to him again.

“You have pilots in your family?” You asked, leaning against the warm metal of the body of the ship.

“Uh yeah, my mom.” He cleared his throat. “She flew A Wings.” He raised his finger to note the similarity. “But for the Rebels against the Empire.” 

“Sounds like a kickass woman.” You smiled. He shifted his weight and looked at his boots.

“Yeah, she was.” He smiled. You could sense the discomfort, and the loss. 

“So how long have you been with the Resistance?” 

“I’ve never met such a bold new recruit you know.” He laughed.

“Blame it on the family connection.” You laughed in return.

“What is the mysterious connection?” He asked, taking a step closer.

“Can’t give up all my secrets on the first day here.” You smirked. But how were you supposed to explain it all? Your father was a hidden bastard child from the days of Mandalore, your mother died before you could walk, you’re competition in training was the General’s son who was named after your grandfather who the General called to before Alderaan’s Doom – and that was just the surface level of it all.

“I’ll have to come bug you another time then.” You tried to hide the rising heat in your cheeks. 

“It’s a small base, you can come find me.” You smiled and pushed off the ship. “I’ll see you around.” 

“See you around, newbie.” You rolled your eyes, and kept walking.

You and Poe spent days on and off together, chatting, laughing, unknowingly being watched by Leia with a motherly smile. He radiated an energy unlike you had ever known, it was warm, and bright, and full of love. It was the light, the light that you were ordered to swear off for the rest of your days since you were a child. 

Leia felt like the mother you had never known. The both of you aching for something taken so long ago. You spent a lot of time with her, causing a lot of questions. 

Poe jumped to your defense everytime. Causing even more questions.

“Do you know where I can get a Kyber Crystal?” You piped up, reading in Leia’s private office while she worked.

“Why?” She just glanced up. You sighed.

“Mine won’t heal itself, no amount of meditation will ever make it change, not even to white. My blade still glows red.” You closed your book and turned to face her. A devilish grin grew on her face. “What?” 

“After Luke lost the temple, he gave his remaining crystals to someone he trusted for safekeeping against the rising order.” The grin grew more. 

“Where are they?”

“Yavin IV.” She smiled.

“Okay I’ll go to Yavin–”

“At Kes Dameron’s home.” Your jaw hit the floor. You felt like you had known Poe all your life, and maybe in another life you would have, but you really only knew him for a month or so. 

So now you had to ask to meet his dad, when you hadn’t even admitted to yourself you liked him. 

“I’m gonna have to ask him to go with me.” You breathed out, slightly nervous all of a sudden. 

“Relax, Poe needs to go home anyways, it’ll get Kes off my back.” You snorted. 

“And how do I approach that?” You started. Unaware of the door opening behind you. “Poe I need you to take me to your childhood home so I can get a crystal from your father because I secretly have a lightsaber and come from the lineage of a Jedi Master in the Old Republic, who trained both Vader and Luke?” You inhaled, unaware of how fast you were just talking. “I’m sure that’s a very easy question to ask.” 

“The answers’ yes, I just have a few questions first.” 

You thought you were gonna die right then and there.

The flight to Yavin wasn’t very long, but felt like years. The transport was small, Leia was unwilling to give up her large ships for the two of you. 

“So how long have you been a Jedi?” He asked, shifting the controls and turning to face you.

“I’m not a jedi.” You mumbled.

“Well you have a lightsaber. That’s a very jedi thing to have.” Of course in your oblivious confession, you didn’t include how you acquired the weapon.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” You got up from the copilots seat now that you were in Hyperspace, wanting to be anywhere but under his gaze. He grabbed your forearm to stop you, and your skin burned at the touch.

“I have met you before.” He whispered. “You were on that ship.” 

“I’m so sorry.” Your voice was broken full of shame. “I didn’t have a choice.”

“Why were you there?” His eyes were locked on yours.

“I was a child, my father was on the run after Mandalore’s downfall. They caught us after a few years.” You sighed. “My father was killed, but Snoke knew of my lineage, said that because my grandfather created Vader, I had a capacity for greatness.” You shifted your weight and sat back into the chair. “I didn’t know the difference, I was so young, with this weird energy flowing through me that I couldn’t control.” 

“It’s okay.” He relaxed his hand and brought it back to his lap, you tried to hide your disappointment at the lack of touch. “You’re safe now.”

“Thank you.” You whispered, and you both sat in safe, comfortable silence before the ship made its entrance to the Yavin system.

Yavin IV, you’d come to realize, was a lot like D’Qar, luscious green trees and warm summer breeze. The Dameron home was a black and white contrast to anything you had known. Poe, on the other hand, doesn’t welcome the energy, instead tenses, as if he is in fear of what lies ahead.

“I’ll do the talking, if you want?” You offer, and Poe shakes his head.

“It’s alright.” He sighs. “How do you tell someone that the ideals they spent their life fighting are growing stronger everyday?”

“You tell them that there’s hope.” You smile softly. “Hope is the only thing you have that they don’t.” The weight of your blood red lightsaber seams to double, and none of this seems doable.

He starts to walk toward the house and you are left with no choice but to follow. He opens the door to find an older man with the same tone of skin, and same curly hair, faded now to a silver, working on something at the table. 

“Hey dad.” You want to hide behind Poe’s shadow.

How do you tell someone that the ideals they spent their life fighting are standing in front of them in their dining room?

“Poe!” He exclaimed with a smile, and gave his son a large hug. “Leia warned me you were coming. Who’s this?” He asked, returning to the neutral position.

“Oh this is Captain…” He trailed, remembering he’d never learned your last name.

“Kenobi.” You smiled, your chest swelling with pride at the surname you discarded so long ago. Recognition and surprise flashed among both men’s faces.

“I would assume you’re here for the crystals.” He winked.

“How did you…”

“A feeling, I guess.” He shrugged and began to search through a container, and Poe just mouthed your surname back to you with shock and wonder. You waved your hand to dismiss him. “Poe can you run this down to the lady down the road, the one who always gave you sweets after Shara said no?” He gestured to the project he was working on, and Poe opened his mouth to protest. 

But just like with Leia, it died long before he could manage words. He scooped it up and gave you an apologetic glance before leaving.

“Can I see it?” was the first thing Kes asked after his son’s departure.

“Y-Yeah.” You stumbled and pulled out the saber from your bag, handing it to him. He placed a small brown bag on the table with a quiet clink, and began to smile. 

“It resembles Luke’s second saber..” He looked at you. “Made with pieces of Ben Kenobis.” You couldn’t help but return the smile.

“It’s the same style, according to old texts.” You said. “Not exactly the same I’m afraid.” 

“What’s the need for a new crystal?” He handed it back.

“I..” You hesitated. Poe forgives so easily, but Leia said that was his mother, not Kes. “I was taken in by Snoke when I was young, trained..” You swallowed, staring at the saber in your hands. “I want to make things right, I can’t do that with red blades, the crystal is too broken to heal, I need to start anew.” Kes’ shoulders relaxed and he leaned against the table.

“I am sorry.” 

“For?”

“Had we done it right the first time, there never would have been a Snoke to corrupt your gift.” He smiled sadly, you reached for his hand and gave it a light squeeze.

“Had you done it the first time, I would have never met him.” You smiled. “And there will always be those who want destruction, but as long as there is more hope, then we’ll always have peace.” Tears welled up in your eyes, you were talking more to yourself, but he pulled you into a hug, and you cried, for the first time in years.

“I know a place where you can install that.” He said, releasing the hug, and you followed him to a large tree in the field. It hummed with energy. Not evil or good, not light or dark, just balanced force.

You sat on your knees in front, placing a crystal next to your saber, Kes walking away to give you a moment. You closed your eyes and pictured it all, the darkness, the mistakes, being swept away by light, and forgiveness. You opened them to reveal your reassembled saber, and the cracked crystal next to it. You decided to bury it with the tree, putting to rest your conflict, your guilt, and anger.

And Igniting your forgiveness, certainty, and compassion in a deep blue light. 

“A True Kenobi.” Kes said from afar, Poe just watching in awe as the sun set behind the mountains. You disabled the saber and wore it proudly on your belt.

“Thank you.” Was all you could manage, walking back toward the older of the two rebels.

“Don’t even worry about it.” He squeezed your shoulder, and walked back toward the house. 

“Bonfire?” Poe asked, and you couldn’t help but laugh.

“Yes.”

The night fell rather quickly after the sun set, and the summer breeze gave a chill while you and Poe sat on a log and exchanged dumb jokes and he filled you in on all the need to know information. A silence fell over you soon enough and he just stared at you over his shoulder.

“Kenobi, huh?” He laughed. “My grandpa flew A-Wings.” He mocked

“You’re an ass.” You rolled your eyes.”He did!” You defended. 

“He was a kriffing Jedi that is the least interesting thing you could have said!” 

“Sorry my life story isn’t entertaining.” You punched his arm and he acted fake hurt.

“Oh it definitely is.” He poked. “They’ll write myths about you.”

“Hopefully about the good to come, not the bad that’s passed.” You half smiled. 

“I hope it’s all of it, more inspiring that way.” He locked eyes with yours.

“Me being a trained sith apprentice doesn’t scare you?” He shook his head. 

“No. Sith, Jedi, call it what you want but I just see a beautiful woman who is strong enough to know right from wrong.” He tucked a hair behind your ear. “And that means more than making things float.” He leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to your lips and your heart forgot how to keep a rhythm. 

You were sure Obi Wan was up there cursing about the Old Jedi Code and falling in love, or whatever. The best part was, you didn’t love Poe.

but you know you could, given time. 

And for once in your life you weren’t scared.

[dreamcaughtme]

One last mx post

Sorry to all my mutuals who aren’t MX lovers loooool

I just wanted to be melodramatic and share a little bit about why I love Monsta X and have been joining the fight on their behalf~~

A little over a year ago, I was working in a country foreign to me at an orphanage. I was caring for five teenagers (maybe part of why I am a Kihyun gal lololololol we’ve both basically been moms.), and I was working with someone who was very manipulative and controlling. Like, the day after I got food poisoning and was hooked up to IV’s, she still demanded I come into work so she could have the day off. I digress. I developed what I now acknowledge was an eating disorder as a way of coping with stress. I was miserable. I hardly ate, and I ran 5-8 miles every night to make up for the little bit that I did eat. I won’t tell you how much weight I lost, but it was significant.

Around that time, I discovered Monsta X. They delighted me for several reasons: I hardcore relate to Wonho’s sensitivity and affection (that kid is ME), Kihyun and Changkyun’s brand of humor is literally the same as mine on every possible level, and their music energized me on days when I was so starved I could barely drag myself out of bed. But instead of letting my interest in them turn into an unhealthy obsession, like most of my interests at the time did, I channeled the positivity and laughter they inspired into productive, healthy outlets. I started hiking not to burn calories but to see the world. I started cooking not to ensure I had total control over my house’s food but because I liked being generous and bringing people joy with cookies and breads and enchiladas (not only bc of Kihyun I promise!!!!! Lololol). I started eating proteins after my daily runs so that I could build muscle and replenish the energy I’d expended (wouldn’t Wonho be proud?!?!). I returned to writing poetry, and this time, it wasn’t full of self-loathing. I started composing my own music and shared it (and recorded it!!!!) with a friend. I started praying way more—I’m a Christian—-and experienced great rejuvenation through that.

I’m not gonna stand here and say Monsta X singlehandedly did that in my life. I also had my prayers and a great support system and the inspiration of recovering for the girls I took care of. But Monsta X played a huge role in the beginning of my recovery because they brought my laugh back. That was huge.

Also!!! I was super scared that my recovery wouldn’t continue after my time at the orphanage ended and I accepted a new position in Tokyo, but guess what!!! I’m stronger than ever before. It was my secret dream to see MX in concert now that I’m in Tokyo, but none of us obviously know how that’s going to turn out exactly. I loved this last comeback because I was actually in the same time zone as Korea and awake when it dropped lololololol. Monsta X still continues to bring me laughter and energy as I continue to recover.

Even if this all turns out nightmarishly, we’ve got each other, and we’ve got the joy of knowing we demonstrated to these boys how special they are and how much we care. That in and of itself is enough reason to keep fighting. Also cheers to me for talking about Kihyun 90 times in this post when it was supposed to be about Wonho.

Thanks! I love you all 💕 Here is a photo of happy, healthy me!

[goodticklebrain]

Q&A August: Christy Burgess of the Robinson Shakespeare Company

It’s the final week of Q&A August! Let me take  you back to 2016, to my first ever Shakespeare Theatre Association conference, hosted by Notre Dame University in South Bend, Indiana. It was the last day, and the morning’s warm-up session was being conducted by Christy Burgess and the Robinson Shakespeare Company, a community Shakespeare program for school-aged kids.  After several rounds of fun theatre games, Christy asked her students if any of them wanted to perform some Shakespeare for this objectively intimidating roomful of seasoned, experienced, and elite Shakespeare practitioners and educators.

Every single hand flew up into the air.

After some negotiation, a tiny girl in a pink dress, probably not more than nine or ten years old, stood up. Awww, this is so cute. Is she going to do Puck’s “If we shadows have offended” epil— NOPE. She narrowed her eyes and spat out Cloten’s “meanest garment” speech from Cymbeline with all the vitriol of a rejected privileged white man. My jaw literally dropped. HOW was this possible?

The answer was Christy Burgess. I’d actually met Christy the year before, when I drove down to  South Bend to see a couple shows at the Notre Dame Shakespeare Festival, and she immediately overwhelmed me (in a good way) with her energy, enthusiasm, and passion not just for teaching kids Shakespeare, but for giving them ownership of Shakespeare. Every single one of her students believes that Shakespeare is theirs. I’ll never forget Christy telling me what her students’ reaction was upon meeting a professional Shakespeare company: “Oh, you do Shakespeare too? That’s cute... WE  do Shakespeare.”

On a more personal level, Christy helped shepherd me through the impostor syndrome I suffered from while attending my first conference, giving me the confidence to find my place in the Shakespeare community without constantly apologizing for being “just someone who draws stupid stick figures”. Christy builds people up, and the world is better for it.

1. Who are you? Why Shakespeare?

My name is Christy Burgess and I am the director of the Robinson Shakespeare Company.  I am a teacher, director, and have most recently been christened “Shakespeare Maven” by my friend Julia.

Why Shakespeare? There are so many reasons for “why Shakespeare”.  The Robinson Shakespeare Company starts in 3rd grade and the first day of our 3rd-6th grade class is one of my favorite all year.  Many of our young actors have waited since kindergarten watching their older siblings or young adults they admire go through the program.  The anticipation and excitement on that first day of class is palpable, because they finally get to do Shakespeare.  It’s also become something that is a little subversive.  There are times when our kids are told “you don’t really like Shakespeare” or “shouldn’t you be playing sports?”, which has the effect of “don’t tell me what I’m supposed to like!”

In a meeting, someone asked one of my students “Why Shakespeare?”  She told a story I hadn’t heard before.  It was right after her father passed, before she went back to school.  She was walking around the track at her high school and passed an elderly white couple.  The woman said to her “shouldn’t you be in school?” to which her husband responded “Mary, don’t you know that’s how people get shot?”

This young woman said “when people walk by me, they might think I’m a hood or a thug, but Shakespeare is mine, something no one can take away from me.”  

When we study plays from Eugene O’Neil or Arthur Miller, it’s the world through their eyes, but when we play Shakespeare, it’s the world through OUR eyes.

2. What moment(s) in Shakespeare always make you laugh?

Scene 3.4 in Twelfth Night always cracks me up!  There’s something about the most non-threatening duel letter from Sir Andrew to Cesario/Olivia and the forced fight that is always funny.

Mya interjects: “Is’t so saucy?” is one of my favorite lines in Shakespeare. It’s such a stupid joke. I don’t care. I love it.

3. What's a favorite Shakespearean performance anecdote?

Every now and then there’s Shakespeare magic.

When I was teaching and directing in Alaska with the Fairbanks Shakespeare Theatre, I had made a comment to my young actors about performing in the rain.  I’m pretty sure they prayed for rain, because our last performance of The Merry Wives of Windsor, it POURED.  The audience ran for cover, but nothing could erase the looks of glee on the actor’s faces.  Falstaff’s line, “let the sky rain potatoes”, pretty much said it all!

In 2017, the Robinson Shakespeare Company (RSC*) was invited, and traveled, to England to perform in Stratford-upon-Avon the Shakespeare Birthplace Trust’s Shakespeare Garden.  The New Place recently opened and we discovered that we were the first group to perform there….if the weather held out.  There were numerous sunshine dances (involving jazz hands), prayers, and wishes.  The day of the performance, there was a storm coming right for us.  It was the closest thing to magic I’ve seen.  It was as if the storm was around us.  In videos, you can see the wind whipping the costume and the slightest drizzle of rain, but we made it!

*I know, I know, the Royal Shakespeare Company, Reduced Shakespeare Company, etc. I like to think of us as the Royal Shakespeare Company’s distant (many times removed), scrappy cousins that will be revealed if we do a deep dive on our genealogy chart.

This memory might be tinged with jet lag, because during the same trip I sat in-between two 12 year olds, who only fell asleep 30 minutes before landing.  When we arrived in Stratford, we were met by the incredible Cait Fannin-Peel (my Shakespeare wife and hero).  Our bed and breakfasts weren’t ready yet, so she took us on a tour of Shakespeare’s Birthplace.  They have an amazing little stage in-between the house and the giftshop where actors were performing bits of Shakespeare.  Cait asked if we would like to perform something.  Jet lagged, sleep deprived, and thrilled, it took about 30 seconds to plan out the opening to Cymbeline and start performing it.  Tourists surrounded us with their cameras and applauded when the scene was done.  It felt amazing as a director of young people to see them confident on stage in a setting that was incredibly different from what they were used to.  We have video evidence!

4. What's one of the more unusual Shakespearean interpretations you've either seen or would like to see?

Bart Sher’s Cymbeline at Intiman changed me.  The set was simple; a red raked stage, but by being so, it didn’t need massive set changes, we were with the story the entire time.  The production was funny, moving, and stunning.

I’m frustrated by Shakespeare that tries to distract you from thinking it is Shakespeare.  I’ve been in, or seen productions, where it’s like “look at these live animals” or “explosions” or “a fake ice rink that isn’t integral to the plot and is really slick in the rain, but look, people are ice skating for 30 seconds” that are unnecessary.  I believe you should be able to wear black clothes on a blank stage and get the story across; everything else is just icing.  If not, it’s not good Shakespeare.

Mya interjects: I am broadly in agreement with Christy here, except that I desperately want MORE live animals on stage. Dogs. Goats. Rabbits. Gerbils. I don’t care if they’re not textually supported.

5. What's one of your favorite Shakespearean "hidden gems"?

I don’t know if it’s a hidden gem, but I love Henry IV, Part 1 and 2.  I think it’s such a loss when they’re combined, because they are both stellar plays for different reasons.  Yes, Henry IV, Part 1 has all the action, but Henry IV, Part 2 has phenomenal speeches and you get to see just how devious Falstaff is.  Food for powder, anyone?

6. What passages from Shakespeare have stayed with you?

This quote from Romeo and Juliet is how I feel about teaching.  During the school week, I am in 24 classes in the South Bend community, mostly in Title 1 schools.  Last year, Tuesdays were long days.  I would teach six classes at a middle school, plus an after-school program, then direct the RSC.  That was approximately 190 kids and the day lasted from 9 am-9 pm.  It wasn’t, however, so bad, because I work with really great kids.  I feel what I give to them, they give back and the days don’t feel long.

“the more I give to thee, The more I have, for both are infinite.”

Juliet, Romeo and Juliet, 2.2

Also “bless you fair shrew” which I say to my dog all the time when she sneezes.  

Mya interjects: BLESS YOU FAIR SHREW THAT’S THE BEST I LOVE IT

7. What Shakespeare plays have changed for you?

The first time I saw Franco Zeffirelli’s Romeo and Juliet, I was twelve and locked myself in the bathroom and cried.  Seriously though, who didn’t?  Do you have a heart of stone???

Mya interjects: Yes. :P

During our 2017 trip, we took our RSC to see the REAL RSC’s Titus Andronicus.  Blanche McIntyre is a badass director.  It’s easy to dismiss, Titus, but she found depth, and urgency.  The show made our company better.  

My actors still refer to the performance when we talk about high stakes and urgency.

8. What Shakespearean character or characters do you identify the most with?

I love Viola.  She goes on such a journey and her “make me a willow cabin at your gate” speech moves me every time.  We don’t get to pick who we love.  I’m really lucky that I have a sweetheart who loves me, Shakespeare nerdiness and all.

If I could be a character?  Henry V.

9. Where can we find out more about you? Are there any projects/events you would like us to check out?

You can find more about us on our Facebook page, Instagram, and our website.

Notre Dame Magazine put together a gorgeous website that chronicled the six months they had a reporter with us as well as our adventures to England!

(Back to Mya) Thanks so much to Christy for answering my questions, but, even more importantly, for raising the next generation of Shakespeareans. I, for one, welcome our new Shakespearean overlords.

COMING THURSDAY: It’s two-for-one day with the bard bros behind one of my favorite Shakespeare podcasts!

[daughterofluthien]

Fictober - Day 27

[artificialqueens]

Powerless Part 3 (Branjie)- athena2

A/N: Part 3! This gives a little more of Brooke’s side before the real shit goes down. Thank you so much to everyone that’s been reading this fic. And an ENORMOUS thank you to the amazing @youre-a-kite for betaing this for me! 

Frost starts the morning with a pounding headache, a new bruise from that pyromaniac, and guilt weighing her down like an anchor.  

The night returns to her in waves, making her stomach twist anxiously. She flexes her hand, bandaged and stitched by a doctor at the lab last night, a physical reminder of how bad she’d been. Not only had she done a bad thing–two bad things, she corrects fearfully–but then she had lied to the doctor… 

She knows she should get out of bed and eat something, but the thought of putting anything in her stomach right now is enough to make her throw up. She curls her long limbs into a ball, buries herself under blankets, and turns on the TV for background noise, The Golden Girls the soundtrack for her day of restlessly shifting in bed as she squirms with guilt.  

It’s a long day, and an even longer night. She’s gone against her routine, but she doesn’t have the energy to care. She’s done nothing but chew the skin around her nails all day, and it’s 2 am and she’s afraid to sleep, fighting with herself over staying awake to avoid a nightmare, avoid remembering, or sleeping and risking a nightmare so she can try to remember something, because she longs for a glimpse of her old life even though she knows it’s bad to remember. 

She makes it to 4 am before her body fails and succumbs to sleep. She has the same nightmare again, the same flashes of the girl’s face, and it looks like the girl who had been near the streetlight but it’s not; they’re not the same person, they just have the same hair, long and black and shiny. She’s been seeing this girl’s face for weeks now. She looks young, maybe 20, and Frost thinks she recognizes her, but she doesn’t know why. Were they friends in her old life? She wakes up drenched in a cold sweat, and it suddenly pops into her mind that the girl–the one in her dreams, not the one at the streetlight, they’re not the same person– was her friend and her name started with a P, and she thinks the next letter is L–and then her alarm goes off, and it’s time for her appointment. 

Her visits at the lab follow a certain routine, and Frost likes routine. It helps her stop thinking. 

She sits on the exam table while her usual doctor goes through the weekly tests. He takes her temperature (she always ran cold, since the accident), her blood pressure, checks her breathing, and takes a blood sample while she grimaces and turns her head the other way. 

“Still afraid of a little needle?” the doctor teases with a grin. She didn’t know anyone’s name. Names weren’t important, they told her. 

“Yes,” she confirms quietly. 

“How are the nightmares?” he asks. It’s the same question every week, but this week it’s a knife in her heart. 

She hesitates. She could lie, say she hasn’t had any at all. But she already lied Friday night about how she hurt her hand, and she can’t risk it. She can’t be bad again. “I had a few this week,” she says finally. It’s not technically a lie, it’s just not the whole truth. 

“Just a few?” he questions. He lowers a hand to her knee and squeezes it, hard, as he peers into her eyes. He knows, she thinks. He knows it’s a lie. 

“Just a few,” she echoes solidly.

Frost gulps as he reaches into his case and pulls out two giant syringes filled with blue liquid. “Double dose today. You’re running a little warm, and your blood pressure was higher than usual. Not to mention the nightmares.” He returns to the exam table. “This’ll fix you right up.”

She swallows back the bile rising in her throat as the cold alcohol wipe washes over her arm. She groans in pain as the needle goes in, her free hand gripping the edge of the table. The first one is barely out before he jams the second in, and she whimpers involuntarily. 

“All done,” he says, smoothing a Band-Aid over the injection. “You’ll feel better now.”

She nods, and he leads her to the office where another man– a man she calls General, not Doctor–gives her instructions for the week. The General has buzzed gray hair and is even taller than she is. 

His voice is stern and gruff, each word a command. “I want to reiterate the details from Friday’s mission. You’re sure there were no samples of the Memoriax drug? It was just the formula you brought me?”

“Just the formula.” The lie tastes like poison. Can he hear her heart racing? If he knew that not only had there been a sample, but that she had held it in her hand…

“Right,” he says, expression unreadable. “This week, you’ll be targeting Mighty Mermaid. Another hero,” he sneers, passing her the file with the instructions. “You don’t start until tomorrow. I know you got 2 injections today, and you might feel drowsy. Can’t have you out working like that.”

She nods and then she’s free to go prepare for the week. She is just through her apartment door when the sudden dizziness forces her to the ground, room spinning around her. Her stomach churns, and she scrambles for the bathroom, knees slamming on the tile as she surrenders her intestines to the toilet. She’s barely eaten the past few days, but anything that can possibly come up is coming up. She wouldn’t be surprised if her liver is next. 

Frost rises unsteadily to her feet, suddenly feeling like her limbs are made of lead. Why was this happening? The only side effect she usually had was a floaty sense of numbness. What if something was wrong with her? If her medicine isn’t working, she’ll get sick, and then she can’t help the lab, and that firebug with the warm caramel skin and the cackling hyena laugh will destroy them. 

She collapses into bed and falls into sleep’s embrace minutes later.

The next night, she goes to work. 

Frost is strong and fast, easily taking out that ridiculously-named Mermaid and the weak streams of water she sends at her. The nights speed by like forwarding through a movie. She stops Shuga Rush and her energy pulses one night and Cyst, who turns into a giant blob, the next. She steals a mind-enhancing drug formula and brings it to the lab, gives two vigilantes frostbite after they attack her, one of their knives slashing her leg and sending her to the lab for more stitches. 

She is obedient. She follows every order given to her. But it doesn’t work. She’s still bad, waking up screaming from nightmares every night. Trying to remember. Wanting to remember. 

When her next appointment rolls around, she sits anxiously through the procedures, jaw clenched and shoulders tight, waiting for the blood pressure cuff or stethoscope to reveal her secrets. She picks at her nails as she waits for him to ask about the nightmares. 

But the question never comes. 

Instead, the door opens and the General steps inside, a silver briefcase in his hand. 

Her breath catches in her throat and tiny droplets of blood appear as she shreds the skin around her nails. They know. They know she lied about her hand, they know about the kid, they know about the nightmares. She’s in so much trouble. 

“We made some adjustments to your medicine,” he fires out like a cannon as he opens the briefcase and shows her three syringes of dark-blue liquid nestled inside. 

“D-Did I do something wrong? Was I bad?” the words twist fearfully in her mouth. 

“No, no, you weren’t bad. Your medicine just hasn’t been working right lately. Your test results have been abnormal the past month. High blood pressure, higher temperatures, blood a little irregular. And I hear you’re still having nightmares. We don’t want you to keep having those, because then that would be bad. We tested your blood last week and saw your medicine wasn’t doing a good job anymore, so we improved it for you,” he explains.

The doctor cuts in. “Now, this is a much stronger formula. For today, you’ll get three shots, so we can make sure it fixes you and works effectively. Then we should get you back down to one. You’ll be very sleepy and you might feel sick, but it’s just temporary.” He speaks to her slowly, like she’s a child, and maybe she is, because even though her stomach clenches at the thought of three needles in her arm, all she really feels is pure relief that she’s not in trouble. 

She nods willingly, eyes on the floor as the alcohol chills her arm. The first needle goes in and she begins to float. The second one is inserted and her body droops like it’s made of jelly, the doctor’s hands guiding her to lay back on the table. The third one pierces her and she can’t keep her eyes open anymore. She’s unconscious before the needle is removed. 

She wakes up in a bed in one of the lab’s rooms, head foggy, with an IV in her hand–no, in both hands. Her blurry eyes follow the tubes and see that each one is connected to a bag of dark blue liquid. More, she thinks. Why are they giving me more? The thought has barely passed through her head before sleep takes her again. 

When she wakes up the second time, the IV’s are gone. She sleepily asks where they went and the doctor tells her she must have been dreaming, and she figures he’s probably right. He informs her that she’s been asleep for a whole day because the medicine was strong, but her vital signs are normal and she should feel better soon. And she does. She feels powerful, and light, the images that haunted her and weighed her down scrubbed clean. 

They assign her new targets, new missions, and she accepts eagerly. She does whatever is asked of her, grateful to the lab for making her feel better and allowing her to sleep. She sinks into the routine and lets it wash over her like a tide. Running into Vanjie on patrol becomes part of her routine, and while she won’t admit to liking Vanjie, or the way she feels like she’s burning after their encounters, she does like routine. Vanjie has an endless supply of ice-related taunts and nicknames, and any free moment Frost has is spent thinking of insults to lob back. And when she finds herself subconsciously seeking Vanjie out each night, she doesn’t acknowledge it. 

The nightmares and the faces have cleared out of her mind, and she goes days, then weeks, without having one. The skin around her nails heals and she doesn’t feel scared to go to sleep. She doesn’t remember anything from before the crash, and doesn’t try to. She keeps the lab safe, carrying out her missions faster than ever. Frost can almost completely erase the images of the girl she dreamt of and the similar girl she saved from the streetlight. 

Almost. 

[find-the-eyes]

I’ll Try Anything Once: Chapter 36

Written by: Sol, Allegra Edited by: Beth, Allegra, Sol

“Nick, calm down.”

Nick felt a hand on his leg once again and opened his eyes to see that he was furiously kicking and thrashing. The only difference from last time was that this kicking and thrashing wasn’t purposeful, and it didn’t feel good at all. And it wouldn’t stop. Nick did everything in his power to calm his flailing legs, but he couldn’t. He had never felt so helpless. His arms thrashed out at his sides. Where was Alex? He arched off the bed, gagging as his breathing tube shifted. His blanket came undone and dropped to the floor. He felt himself sliding towards the edge of the bed to join it.

“Nick!” He felt hands on both of his legs now, and a hand on either arm. Through his half-lidded eyes he saw three nurses, doing their best to restrain him as his legs kicked out and convulsed wildly. His arms thrashed violently now, the IVs in his forearms nearly ripping out of his skin. After a few minutes, Nick felt his body slowing down, suddenly crashing from his wild attack. His head lolled to the side as he felt hands adjusting his breathing tube, gently bringing him back to reality. His head was spinning and he couldn’t stop tears escaping from his eyes.

Two of the nurses talked in hushed voices at the doorway, glancing back at Nick occasionally. Finally, after a few moments, they returned to Nick’s side.

“You’re going to have a brain scan later,” the blonde nurse said. “We need you awake for it, so we’re going to take you off the sedatives for now.”

Nick couldn't even find the strength to nod, so he simply looked at her, hoping she understood.

She put the communication board on Nick’s lap. “Would you like to do anything while we’re waiting to do the brain scan? Your friends are art students, right? Would you like to draw?”

Yes.

“Alright, I’ll be right back.”

Don’t leave. Don’t leave.

“Ah…” She glanced around the room and spotted the notebook that was still sitting on the counter from when Alex was writing in it a few days before. “Is this ok?”

Yes. Thank you.

Nick held the notebook close, and as soon as the nurse left he opened it to a blank page. He grabbed the pen next to him and just started writing. He didn’t know where the words were coming from, but they needed to get out. His arms jerked and twitched as he wrote, but he tried to fight it. This was important.

When he finished, he folded the letter with shaky hands and laid it on the bedside table, not even bothering to read it over. He had barely placed the pen on the table before his head fell back and he drifted off to sleep, all of his energy gone. All he could hope was that Alex would understand.

A couple of hours later, Nick awoke to a hand on his arm and a gentle voice calling his name. He opened his eyes slowly to the information that they were taking him back for the brain scan. His leg kicked out again.

“It won’t hurt, and it won’t take long,” the nurse reassured him. Nick closed his eyes again, trying to believe her.

—

Alex found the neurology office fairly easily. It was a small room in a distant hallway, far from anything Alex had seen in the hospital before. So many people are suffering here. Is Nick one of the worst? Alex shook the thought and entered the small office when he was called.

“Hi, Alex,” the doctor said when he went in. Her calming energy immediately made Alex feel more at ease.

Alex greeted her and sat down at the desk, not knowing what to say. “Is Nick alright?” he finally managed, fiddling with one of the pens on the desk.

“Well, it doesn’t appear that the kicking and thrashing were anything more than a bad reaction to the sedatives. His reaction increased when they gave him more, and so on.”

“Why did he react like that?”

“Here.” The doctor showed Alex the scan of Nick’s brain. “He has a bit of damage to the language processing and speech areas of his brain, as well as some executive functions like decision making and general cognition. Has he ever mentioned that to you?”

“Yeah, actually,” Alex realized, “he had a different lung injury before all of this and said he had some brain damage from a lack of oxygen.”

“That explains it, then. Does he act normal, usually?”

Alex thought for a moment. “He does have some unusual behaviors, but… he doesn’t need to be normal. He’s perfect to me.”

“Unusual behaviors?” The doctor leaned closer to Alex. “Can you tell me what you mean?”

“Uhh…” Alex felt uncomfortable talking about Nick’s issues with a complete stranger, when he wasn’t there to speak up for himself. “Well, he has bad dreams a lot...he’s stolen some things before...he has trouble reading and speaking, and he doesn’t always make eye contact when he’s talking to someone new.” Alex paused, then continued with a sigh. “Nick told me that it all started with the initial brain damage that he got from being shot. He doesn’t really have any physical issues, though.”

The doctor nodded. “All of that definitely could be connected to how he reacted. We think the thrashing was caused by a reaction with the part of his brain that controls movement. Rather than turning off, like it usually does with sedatives, it tried to reject them. Because of that, his body didn’t want to accept the sedatives.”

“Oh…” Alex nodded along thoughtfully and pretended to understand what the neurologist was telling him.

“The good news is that he’s been off the sedatives for a few hours now and he’s doing perfectly fine! You’re allowed to go see him now, if you’d like.”

Alex beamed and thanked the neurologist as he left the small office.

—

Alex walked into Nick’s room to find him fast asleep. He smiled when he saw that the IV giving him sedatives had been removed. He walked over to Nick and brushed the hair off his forehead. Nick stirred at the touch and his eyes lit up when he realized that it was Alex. He lifted his right arm and stretched it out as far as he could, smacking his palm against the bedside table. Alex blinked in confusion for a moment before he noticed the folded paper atop the table. “Is this for me?” he asked. Nick gave him a weak thumbs up of approval.

At that moment, a nurse rushed in, saying something about needing to check on Nick. She rushed Alex out of the room before he could even ask Nick about the piece of paper.

Once he was alone in the hallway, Alex unfolded the piece of paper. He held it gently, trying to decipher Nick’s messy handwriting.

--

A lex

Thank you so much for putting up with me Im sory you have to see me like this It hurts a lot so bad and Im scared but pleas dont worry I cant wait to go home and pet Steckrübe again and Play music again but not do anyt hin g dumb this time Because I Ive learned now maybe I shouldnt stage dive until they tell me its okay

But right now it hurts I want to go home but they wont let me I want t o get up but they won’t let me I Miss being able to speak I dont feel like I have a body anmore it just hurts so much But  when youre here I forget You make me happy  Please bring Steck next time I miss him

I’m sorry I didn't listen to you I feel like a bad Flatmate Im sory I cant do anthing to help you out

Im scared I wont get better it Hurts it hurts and I dont know why it hurts so much I still cant breathe Im Scared I wont be able to

My body is kicking thrashing I cant stop it wont stop Im so   tired but I cant sleep it wont Help Im terrified

You saved me

I want to be with you Im sorry I couldnt tell you that niht  it hurt too bad I want to be yours

I love you so much Alex Ive loved you from the first night you Visited me at the prisonn You accept me ffor who I am and you ne ver get mad at me Evn when I deserve it I deseve it 

Thank you Than k you Thank you for saving me I love you I love you I love you Alex I love you

--

Alex braced himself against the wall, trembling as he clutched the paper. Nick loves me. He meant it the other day. And I didn’t listen.

Alex folded the piece of paper again and ran back into the room as soon as the nurse left. The heart monitor started beeping faster than Alex had ever seen it beep before as he approached Nick’s bed. He laughed softly and believed for a moment that Nick was giving a small smile as well. Was he? Maybe it was just the lighting. Alex ignored the beeping and held Nick’s hand. “I love you too,” he said softly. “So much. And you're going to get better.” Alex ran a hand through Nick’s hair. “And I’m sorry for trying to talk about our relationship when you were in so much pain. I should have known better.” Nick started furiously tapping the I love you box on his board, blinking back tears as he looked up at Alex.

Suddenly, a nurse rushed into the room. “Is everything alright in here?” she asked, obviously concerned by the sudden, rapid beeping. Alex dropped Nick’s hand, instantly brought back to the reality of the situation as he remembered the condition Nick was in. He opened his mouth to speak, but couldn’t form the words.

“Just…don't get him overexcited, yeah?” the nurse sighed as Nick’s heart rate slowed back to normal. “He’s still in critical condition and we want him to make it out alive, after all.”

“Alright,” Alex said sheepishly. The nurse gave him a stern look and walked out.

Nick’s eyes were bright, but he wasn’t smiling. He couldn’t. There was no way he could do anything more than move his eyes and his hands. He still had to make it out of the hospital alive before Alex could even think about the future. Was it better to be hopeful or to prepare himself for the worst?

Alex looked back down at Nick and realized that his eyes were still so full of love, searching for an answer from Alex, an answer neither of them could find.

“I love you, Nick,” Alex ran his hand through Nick’s hair, “I really do.”