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ann-bat · 10 months

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He could barely feel the sun shine on his skin through smoke and clouds of Kadavo. Unwelcoming, poisoned planet with so many volcanoes he could literally feel the ashes on his skin. He didn’t look up as he and the other slaves were forced to step off the ship, just moved forward, subtly scanning the perimeter with the Force. The collar on his neck wasn’t exactly Force dampening but still somehow he wasn’t quite able to use It well. He was still able to feel Rex’s steady and calm presence as well as agitation of Governor Rushi beside him, but no Force jumping, Force pulling and definitely no Force healing was foreseen in the nearest future. He just knew that.

“Master Kenobi, you are the first Jedi I have ever entertained at our educational facility,” a voice spoke. He ignored it, still assessing the situation and surroundings both. “Few possess Jedi’s resolve. And your power of will is my greatest enemy,” the captor continued. He didn’t show him he cared for those words that sounded both like praise and assault. Then, in the matter of seconds the situation changed. The Force didn’t warn him, he did not felt Zygerian’s intention either. Faster than he could have noticed or intervene, the slaver pressed the button and sent seven togrutas flying.

“No!” a gasp escaped his mouth as he sat up, momentarily awake. He looked around, noticing he wasn’t back on Kadavo, but in his very own quarters on the Negotiator.

Failure sounded from everywhere around. He was a failure. People were tortured and killed because of him.

A tremor shook his whole body as Obi-Wan slowly slid on the floor and covered his face.

“What have I done…” he whispered.

***

She couldn’t sleep. Ever since Zygerria and Kadavo Heliana couldn’t sleep and had spent too many hours here, training in the dojo, but everyone coped with damage in their own way. Anakin for example locked himself in the hangar, repairing every inch of jedi fighters and then moved to clones’ ones. Ahsoka preferred clones’ company, deliberately avoiding Jedi, playing subbak and eating sweets. Heliana stuck to the dojo and Obi-Wan… She tried talking to after the night she bandaged his wounds, but he wouldn’t come out of his quarters or let her in. Let anyone in, for that matter, cause Cody tried reaching his general and failed too. Heliana knew he needed time. They all did. Obi-Wan was never particularly expressive when it came to his feelings, just like a good Jedi should, preferring to deal with them on his own, but she wasn’t sure he would’ve succeeded this time. Something shifted in him and ever since he came back from Kadavo his shields stayed up. Heliana couldn’t get his empty, almost haunted look out of her mind, but since he was not letting her in and she knew better than to try and break in, all she had left to do was dealing with her own trauma in her own way. Her shoulder still felt stiff from the shot she took while escaping, so practicing kata sounded like a good idea to get back into her form. Honestly, she would do anything just not to think about what Obi-Wan had gone through.

”No!” The cry sliced across her nerves as a vibroblade, jolt shoving her off her feet, straight to the floor.

“Kriff,” Heliana cursed, sudden pain starting to buzz around her, crawling under her skin. “What the…”

“Boss, you okay?” Taker turned around, worried expression on his face. He was skipping sleep to keep an eye on his Jedi, even though she claimed to be alright.

“I’m fine,” she didn’t lie. The pain wasn’t caused by her fall, it was what caused it. just as fast as it started, the ache went away. Almost as if someone turned the water off. That could’ve only meant one thing: she felt the Jedi’s emotions and then the Jedi put his shields up.

Heliana frowned. Not good, she thought. She almost jumped on her feet and hustled away from the dojo.

When she entered the room he was sitting on the floor, half naked, only bandages on his bare torso, his face in his hands, fingers in his hair, trembling. One look at the soaked with blood white stripes sends Heliana three days back, to the night she was taking care of those terrible wounds, and it filled her with rage. Obi-Wan’s back was a mess of the cuts and burns left by electrical wip and the worst part was that no high quality bacta could’ve helped with those in just three days. But they definitely shouldn’t hurt bad enough to make Obi-Wan shiver that much. She had never seen him like that. In all the years of being a Jedi he’d endured too much physical trauma to let it hurt that much. It must’ve been something else.

He didn’t look at her, nor did he let her know in any other way that he noticed her presence, so Heliana walked to him and sat right beside him. “Obi-Wan?” she called quietly, not sure if should show her presence with a touch. He seemed so hurt, so vulnerable that her heart was in agony.

What have they done to you?

He stayed silent, still not acknowledging her being here, as if drafted too far away in the thoughts and pain that were torturing his body. He looked lost, unable to pull himself together and that was worse than the blood on the bandages. The flesh will heal, but what about his soul?

“Obi-Wan, look at me, please,” she pleaded, sending a warm gentle touch through the bond.

He shrugged, finally realizing her presence and looked up, avoiding her eyes. He couldn’t have looked her in the eyes even if he wanted, which he didn’t. Nor did he want her to see him like that, but the darkness of the room still hid most of it, so that is a compromise. Only feeling her being there doesn’t really help.

“I'm right here,” she tried to sound as calm as she could. “I've got you.”

He tried to say something but ended up producing a sharp cough. Heliana’s hand reached to touch his shoulder, offer support, anything, really, but stopped as she saw him flinch and slightly pull back. Then he whispered:

“Seven.”

His voice… His voice was barely a whisper, quiet and trembling, rippling with pain and desperation.

“What?” Heliana asked, confused.

Obi-Wan let out yet another cough before he’s able to speak again. “Seven togrutas are dead… Because of me..”

Heliana suddenly felt she was going to be sick and it took her a moment to realize that it was actually him. He wanted to scream until he would run out of breath, but he couldn’t.

“How are you okay with that? Seven lives…taken…” his snapp ended up yet in another cough, making Heliana’s heart skip a bit. This is not good.

Obi-Wan drew in a shuddering breath. “Get out.” he said shakily.

“No,” Heliana protested immediately. “I’m not leaving you. Not like that.”

Tell me how to fix this, her heart cried. The other side of the force bond felt like a brick wall. She still could feel the tremor and slight echo of the agony she felt before, but he wasn’t about to let her in.

“I’m fine,” he spat angrily, anger making his voice stronger.

Heliana shook her head. “You’re not.”

“You have no idea…’’ he started, but she cut him short.

“You’re right, I don’t. All I know is that you’re skipping meals and trainings. You haven’t talked to anyone. Haven’t left this room for three days and you have been shutting me out for just as long until this night,” she paused to let that sink into his brain. ”I may not know what exactly happened there, but I have felt what that makes you feel. So please, please, stop telling me you’re fine. You’re in pain and I’m not sure how I can stop this.”

“Just go,” he ordered, squeezing his eyes shut. He couldn’t see her, not like that, pleading to help him, the man who was responsible for massmurder. It didn’t occur to him that it had been three days. For him time stopped right then and there on that platform on Kadavo.

A bit of silence fell upon them.

Then Heliana cried out, her voice cracking: “I can’t.”

Obi-Wan felt her one hand reaching and touching his face, her fingers gently running up and down his cheek, the other one gently wrapping around his wrist.

“I can’t,” she whispered again, and a sob that followed, almost crushed him. Then he felt a ghost of her breath as she pressed her forehead to his, seeking comfort and giving it, both.

Not longer than two seconds later Obi-Wan pulled back, though, letting her hand stay on his cheek. It was nice to feel human touch even if he wasn’t worthy of one. He had to face the consequences both literally and figuratively. So he looked her straight in the eyes, Heliana’s gaze filled with so many emotions, and he knew what she saw too. The look of a hunted animal that was. Because he felt like one and it was his very own doing. He failed. He was sworn to protect these people and failed. Crushing pain twisted his insides again.

His voice cracked as he spoke:

“I am a murderer, Heliana. Seven lives were taken because of me. Have you not heard me say this before?”

Her expression didn’t change. “I did,” she said. “But this isn’t true.”

“It is.” Obi-Wan noticed her chew clench. Stubborn as she was, Heliana disagreed. She always did that. How could she not see what he became?

He felt the urge to crawl out of his skin. How could she be so unbothered by what happened because of him? How could she be touching him and not be disgusted, how could she look at him like that? With this kindness and care, and a mirroring image of his own pain.

“Tell me,” she demanded, not taking her eyes off of him. “Tell me what happened, let me be the judge.”

Let me help, was what she meant.

Obi-Wan wanted to stop that right there and then. This was wrong. That was his mess and he had to deal with it on his own. She shouldn’t have even been here. That only happened because he slipped and lowered the shields for a moment. He was so exhausted, keeping them up…

“Obi-Wan,” she pleaded. “Do it. For me.”

For me. He almost chuckled. As if giving her a sense of his pain would’ve done her any good. It certainly would not and he wanted to keep her as far from that as he could. After all, she had her own fair share of Zygerrian hospitality and the only reason Obi-Wan still hasn’t mentioned that was because her injuries were also his fault. Had he not jumped in that pit immediately as he saw the governor, the mission would’ve run its course. He looked away, unable to see the cut over her eyebrow. The shiner near her eye was probably still there as well, invisible in the darkness of the room. Failure.

Heliana’s hand moved to his chin and made him look at her again. “Don’t do that, don’t drift away again.” she asked, a strike of pain running through her body at the look in his eyes. His gaze was the one of a broken man. Heliana knew he wasn’t able to deal with that weight alone. Whatever they did in that facility , it was definitely bound to break him and now she wondered if they actually could’ve done that. If not, his stubbornness and self-judgment were quite close to doing that for them.

“You need to rest. Just let me help.” Heliana felt her eyes burn. Why wouldn’t you just let me help you?

Help… That was what he was trying to do there… Help..

Obi-Wan felt something inside him break. Like a wire that was holding what was left of him together. His shields dropped a moment later. A wave of the agony, guilt, desperation and embarrassment collapsed onto Heliana’s senses, making her gasp in shock. His emotions were wild, but his voice sounded very calm , scary kind of calm as he spoke:

“I wanted to help… I just wanted to help them. Seven of them were dead the moment my foot stepped on the Kadavo. He executed them with one press of the button. I couldn’t do anything, I simply didn’t manage to. And then I had to choose over and over again not to do anything, because they would get punished, not me. I learned that the hard way. The moment I tried talking to Rex they striked the togruta beside me. The moment they thought I looked and one of them funny they would beat someone else not me. I… I had to protect them and instead had to watch. ”

Heliana stayed silent. For any Jedi watching innocent suffer would’ve been one especially painful torture, but for Obi-Wan… She knew him most of his life and never once had he not tried to help those in need. Never had he walked by without getting into the fight to protect those who couldn’t protect themselves, even if he had to risk his life to do so. Never. What those Zygerrians did, was able to break him, they knew exactly what to do to make him suffer most. And she wasn’t there to share the burden when he needed to. She let him brush her off with a smile, pretended his exhausted gaze was just because of the physical torture.

Heliana’s grip on his wrist tightened and Obi-Wan hissed, momentarily bringing her back from her thoughts.

“I’m so sorry,” she said, her thumb brushing his suddenly wet cheek. He couldn’t tell when he stopped fighting off the tears. After all, that was the least he owed those seven people whose cause of death he was.

“I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with that alone. I…”

“It was my mistake. All of it. I should have stick to the plan. I messed it all up. Did more damage than good. Killed seven people. I …”

“No.”Heliana cut him short. “You didn’t kill those togrutas. You didn’t torture them or Rex. It was not your fault. You were captured and tortured. Not the other way around.”

Heliana cupped his face and made him look her in the eyes.

“It is not your fault that happened to you or anyone else. What happened to me is also not your fault and I promise you, I’m fine. And I forgive you. There’s only so much I can do for you, it seems, cause you have to forgive yourself too. So until this happens I’ll be forgiving you for both of us, do you understand?”’

Obi-Wan’s gaze lit up for just a second. Just enough for her to notice the pain slowly drifting away. Good, she thought. Heliana knew, her words weren’t able to fix this, not until he would forgive himself. But that was a start.

“Thank you,” he whispered, feeling one knot untie inside him. “Thank you for not giving up on me.” he took her hand and pressed a kiss to her palm, still not sure if she wouldn’t pull back in disgust.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Heliana said, as if she read his mind. “I’ve got you. Always.”

#star wars tcw #star wars #obi wan kenobi #ao3 #after zygeria #obiwan x oc #obiwan hurt #heliwan #helianarau #jedi in love #zygerria arc

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bibxrbie · 3 months

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"Luke Skywalker isn’t like the old Jedi. He saves Vader with his attachments!”

Wrong!

Luke Skywalker, at the end of Return of the Jedi, after his confrontation with the Emperor drags Darth Vader through the destructing Death Star. He’s desperate, knuckles white under the heavy weight of his father’s body, a little boy dragging his dad to safety. He sets Vader down for a moment, to catch his breath or maybe to get a better grip. He goes to grab Vader again, but Vader, uncomfortable and in pain, asks Luke to take off the mask. He wants to see Luke through his eyes instead of the eyes Palpatine built for him. Luke refuses, says that removing the mask is a sure way for Vader to die. Luke doesn’t want Vader dead, he wants Vader alive. Not to hold him accountable for his many evil acts, but for the same reason why Luke Skywalker can’t kill Darth Vader; Vader is his father and Luke loves him.

And yet, after a moment, Luke removes Vader’s mask. He doesn’t want to, he hesitates, but he removes the mask with enough slowness to allow Vader to take it back. In that moment, Luke sets aside his desire for Vader in his life, sets aside his desire to see him live, and sets aside his entire mission, the reason he was even on the Death Star in the place. In his compassion for his father, Luke stays with Vader until he dies. It is this moment where we see him be the best damn Jedi he can be. I’d even argue that this moment is the greatest example of non-attached love we see. Because Luke lets Vader go! He lets his father die, and in some ways, by removing the mask, he too kills Vader, he stays with him until his last moment, gives him the kindness of granting his last wish and finally chooses Vader.

And Luke doesn’t have to do this. If Luke Skywalker’s love for his father was an attachment, he would ignore Vader and continue dragging him to the escape pod, put his desire for a father as his central focus and ignore Vader’s wants and discomfort. Maybe he would even save him. But he doesn’t. Instead, he watches as Vader dies.

He builds a Jedi burial for his father and watches it burn the remnants of Vader and Anakin Skywalker away. He mourns Vader, he mourns what they could’ve had as father and son, considers what ifs and maybe-if-I-did-this. Vader/ Anakin is released from his mortal body, from his ‘crude matter’ and Luke lets him go. He says one final goodbye to Anakin. Then, he joins Leia, Han, Chewie, Lando, and the rest of the Rebels and celebrates their victory. He lives in the present and celebrates what he has instead of what he lost.

Luke Skywalker is THE Jedi. Everything about Luke Skywalker serves as the foundational cornerstone of the Jedi, everything about the Jedi as a culture and philosophy is reflected in his character. Luke’s desire for the New Jedi Order isn’t to throw away the values of the old Order, but to vitalise them, breathe life back into dying lungs, and rebuild a path that people set out on their way to destroy. (Yes, his Order is different from the Old, but that’s because it has to be. He doesn’t have the resources or the safety of the Old Order.) The philosophies of the Jedi are difficult and they aren’t for everyone, and like the perfect Jedi that Luke is, he struggles and stumbles and sometimes he even rejects it. But, no matter how far he falls, it is a way of life he chooses again and again and again. It is a way of life that welcomes him back each time

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