#LIKE I DONT EVEN THINK I’M A PERSON ANYMORE I’M JUST A SHELL FILLED WITH SOFT SOFT FEELINGS

[khaothanawat]

genuinely concerned my school president is going to KILL me before we even get to the last episode

[sadpretty-blog-blog]

11/8/22

everything is so boring and i am so boring and i have no hobbies. all i do when im not working is laying in bed or cleaning my room or watching videos online of other people my age enjoying their lives. idk what i’m doing wrong or what i need to do. there’s nothing that feels compelling or interesting to me besides going shopping or eating or obsessing over how i look. i should go to the gym or take walks or something but even that would only fill a portion of my day. i feel like a shell of a human and i’ve felt this way for so long like i’m so empty like my body is just a vessel and my brain is a void and it’s not just missing something it’s missing everything. i used to feel like this much less often. i used to have times where i felt so excited about life and so hopeful for the future but i haven’t genuinely felt like that since i was a teenager and now i’m about to be 22 and my life is so dull. i used to dream about this when i was younger and i imagined all the freedom that comes with your 20s as being so fun and amazing and liberating with so many possibilities but now its here and i just feel empty and numb and like i’ve wasted so much of my life. i feel like i’m wasting my life. for so many years i’ve told myself things will get better soon and i’ll change soon and i’ll be the person i want to be soon but it hasn’t happened yet. i really think that a lot of it is because i’m single and when i was a teenager i always had a boyfriend or a crush or some guy i was flirting with to make me feel important or whole or like there were things about me that were worthy of figuring out or i dont know what. and now i don’t have anyone who i feel that way about or who makes me feel like i’m special i’m just alone with myself and my thoughts about myself which are increasingly darker each day. and dull. i see myself as so dull and kind of dark and like i’m just a black hole that does nothing but exists and works and wastes time and money. i add nothing to any conversation. i add nothing to any friendship or any group event. i have nothing valuable to contribute to any situation. i’m just here wasting away and observing other people living their lives. i don’t know how to live my life. i don’t know how to do things that will bring me joy. everything is so depressing and my already low expectations of life somehow seem to be lowered each day. my family is so stressful and nobody likes each other. i know my family has always been stressful and dysfunctional and thats okay i don’t think anyone’s family is perfect. but i miss being a kid and at least being naive enough to believe that we all genuinely loved each other and enjoyed spending time with each other. nowadays its so rare for my whole family to be in the same place at the same time. but i get it my cousins are older and have families and lives of their own and my mother doesn’t have any siblings so without that part of the family it’s just us living in this house so nothing feels special anymore. i miss being little and going to zia marias house and seeing everyone together and feeling like nothing could ever change that because we were a family who loved each other and we all had a bond which i never thought could be broken. i guess everyone still loves each other but it doesn’t really feel like everyone likes each other anymore. i also miss being a teenager and always having something going on to share with them, like stuff in school with orchestra or field trips or college applications or my first job or other things which felt so important at the time. now i have nothing new to share besides “yeah work is really good i like my job” .... i feel like i am nothing but a human with a job and a bedroom. nothing more. no interests no hobbies nothing that makes me the person i am. i’m just flesh and a skull holding a brain as smooth as a grape. i miss having things to look forward to. a light at the end of the tunnel. an optical illusion in my mind that really really made me believe i would only suffer for so much longer. i do have some things to look forward to now, and i have some goals, but i lost a lot of my optimism because against my will i have given up on the idea that good things happen to me. my friends and i are going on a weekend trip next month. and i was really excited for it. but then jenna said she can’t afford it so she isn’t coming and now i already have so much anxiety about going because she’s kind of an emotional support person for me because i know her and i are almost always on the same level energetically and emotionally and she helps me keep from feeling drained or like i’m not doing enough because we’re usually in it together on the same page. and i don’t really know some of the girls going but my brain has decided that they’re prettier than me and cooler than me and have nicer bodies and more money to spend and less anxiety and less weight on their shoulders and it’ll be so easy for them to have a good time but i’ll be second guessing my every movement because i’ll be spending a weekend with girls i’m not comfortable around and i have no fucking idea how to make connections with new people without feeling like a nuisance or like people can see right through me and they can feel how hard i have to try to fit in. so i’m nervous to go and the excitement has worn off and it’s happening in 3 weeks but now i can’t wait for it to be over. i haven’t even thought about my birthday, which is in a week from tomorrow, because i have nothing planned for it and i dont even want to plan anything because it’ll require my brain to form expectations for the day and i don’t want to be let down on my birthday. it’s not a special one it’s just 22. i think after 21 there’s not many important birthdays and the “important” ones just mean you’re getting really fucking old. so yeah i’m not excited for my birthday i don’t want any attention (which is rare) i don’t want to ask for any gifts i don’t want to plan anything i don’t even want to go out to eat i don’t even mind if i work i don’t even wanna think about it. and then after all these things comes christmas and ever since covid christmas has been so fucking depressing because we don’t go to zia marias anymore and laying in my bed alone on christmas eve has made me cry the past few years and i’m not looking forward to it. and christmas day at my house is just so uncomfortable and i don’t dislike al’s family but they still don’t really feel like my family i feel like i don’t belong with them. and my moms birth family is kind of annoying and i also don’t feel like i belong with them but i don’t really care if i fit in with them i just don’t like their presence because i have to act like i care that they’re in my house and it’s a holiday. last christmas i drank an entire bottle of prosecco and got so drunk i cried and threw up and my ex boyfriend who i really fucking miss had to help me. new years since covid has sucked just as bad, if not worse. 2021 i got kicked out of my house. 2022 i spent it crying in bed because vic didn’t want to see anyone (for good reason but still couldn’t help but cry because i wished things happened differently). then there’s valentines day. valentines day has been good the past 2 years because i had vic. but now i don’t and i wonder how i’ll feel about our situation once february is here. i wonder if i’ll spend the day crying over him like i’ve been doing almost every day the past week or so. i think even if i’ve accepted the situation more by then it’s still gonna hurt a lot and it’s literally november right now but i’m thinking about how much february is gonna hurt me and i’m sad about it. but then soon after february ends spring will come and maybe then i’ll start to feel better and the sun will set later in the day and i won’t be wearing a jacket and i’ll start shopping for new bikinis and i’ll love my body because i’m currently forcing an eating disorder on myself to get my old body back. so i guess that’s something to look forward to.

another thing that used to bring me a lot of emotion was the idea of getting an apartment one day and thinking i’d have moved out by now. but that was before i worked full time and realized that even with my 40 hours a week i can’t afford a studio anywhere within a decent range on long island. everything i should be looking forward to has a dark cloud over it and i can’t find anything to bring me any type of joy. i feel ugly all the time i have nobody at all who makes me feel okay and the important things in my life are things i just want to end so i don’t have to think about them anymore. 

[kookingtae]

falling into you (pt. 8) PREVIEW

pt 1 | pt 2 | pt 3 | pt 4 | pt 5 | pt 6 | pt 7

→scenario: Jungkook’s innocence is like a breath of fresh air in your wild life, and though you know you’re toxic for him, you just can’t seem to stay away.

→genre: college au, slow burn, mutual pining, shy/nerd jk + bad girl oc (mature themes)

→a/n: so i’m not finished with pt 8 yet, since it’s such a climactic chapter it’s taking a bit longer than i anticipated unfortunately BUT i dont want u guys to think ive forgotten about it!!! i know u all are waiting so patiently, and i cannot thank you enough from the bottom of my heart <3 i hope this preview keeps you excited for what’s to come!

Jungkook could never face Y/N again.

God, how could he, knowing that he’d not only finished in five minutes like a pubescent teenager, but also in his pants while she was on top of him?

Embarrassment didn’t even begin to describe the mortification he felt. He’d never wanted the earth to swallow him whole as much as he did in that moment. Sure, he was aware of his slight social anxiety, the way he was constantly looking to bolt from uncomfortable situations—but this was different entirely. This was new territory for him; he’d never done anything remotely sexual with someone else, period, much less with the girl who hung the stars, moon, and sun in his eyes. What was he supposed to do? There was nowhere to escape to in his own bedroom, no running away from his problems that made him uncomfortable. No, he had to stand there with his head down and his crotch dripping wet while he practically begged her to leave. He had never been so ashamed of himself. He had never felt so pathetic.

But then Y/N surprised him like she never failed to do: she’d given him reassurance, another kiss even, while telling him that she actually enjoyed the experience—went so far as to say it was the best in her life. Now he knew she was lying to spare his feelings. Of all the men Y/N had been with, there was no way a virgin cumming untouched in his pants was the best of them. She was cruel to make him believe otherwise, to give him false hope.

He wouldn’t allow himself to think any differently. He couldn’t allow himself to get hurt.

Which was why he made it his mission to avoid her at all costs—something he’d gotten very good at over the past few months, and the past few weeks, specifically.

But in the same way he’d learned from the patterns of her daily routine and used them as a means to remain hidden, she’d also learned his and utilized them to her advantage as well. It was the only explanation as to how he was turning a corner inside the art building (about to take the rear exit, since she usually waited for him out front) and suddenly she was standing right in front of him.

He instantly skidded to a halt, heart rate shooting to astronomical levels and eyes widening on their own accord. “Y-Y/N,” he stuttered out involuntarily, the sight of her causing every single detail of their time spent together to come rushing back to him like a tidal wave ready to wipe him out.

As if he needed another excuse to think about the moment they shared that had changed him forever, about the way her moans sounded in his ear and her body felt on his lap and the way she touched his cheek, his neck, the way her lips felt on his skin, god help him—

Already he could feel the beginnings of a blush start to rise to his suddenly hot cheeks, and he cleared his throat and shifted his weight from one foot to the other to keep from springing yet another boner in front of her.

He slid his books in front of his waist, just in case.

While she usually approached him with the natural ease of self-confidence and charm, today she seemed worried, unsure. She chewed at her lower lip—something he didn’t think she really ever did, as he would certainly remember the way it stirred within him—and looked up at him beneath delicate lashes that framed her eyes.

He didn’t have it in him to keep from outright staring at her beauty.

“I… I missed you,” she finally murmured, and he felt the breath physically whoosh from his lungs to join his butterfly-filled stomach all the way at the floor.

It had been a few days since he’d last seen her, since she’d been in his room that night where they opened up about their past and confessed how they truly felt about one another and shared the most life-altering moment he’d ever experienced. He missed her too, god he missed her. He missed everything about her the moment she left his side—would picture her face in his mind as soon as she left his field of vision. But for some reason unknown to him, she was too kind to him, spared his feelings despite knowing what little experience he had. There was no way he’d be able to satisfy a girl—mentally, physically, emotionally—who could have anyone she wanted. Perhaps she pitied him. Either way, if she wouldn’t put a stop to it, then he would.

Or so he’d try, but alas, nothing ever went according to his plans where Y/N was concerned. And here she was, three simple words mumbled into existence and he couldn’t even remember his own name, much less why he’d been trying to fight this.

She seemed to expect he would say nothing—either that or she’d grown used to his silence—because before he had enough sense in him to even think about responding, she was speaking again. “How have you been?”

The question was asked with deliberate, genuine curiosity and concern; she really wanted to know if he was okay, how he was handling things after what had transpired between them. And no matter how hard Jungkook tried to fight this, fight her, fight himself, he was only human.

And so he stopped fighting.

“I– I missed you too,” he breathed out, and it was like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders and relocated to his gut. He tensed at his confession, mentally berated himself for his words even though she’d been the one to say them first. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, what with the way his throat locked up.

Though the second he witnessed the smile that sprang to her tantalizing lips, he felt as light as a feather floating in the breeze.

“You did?” Her eyes lit up, sparkled under the fluorescent hallway lights that still managed to capture all of her beauty despite the unflattering lighting. He didn’t think it was possible for any scenery, not even that of a dull and stuffy university building, to make her appear any less breathtaking than she always was.

“I was so worried after I left last week,” she continued without prompt. The mention of his premature finish had him stiffening in dread, though she didn’t let enough silence fester between her words for the anxiety to claw its way up his throat. “I didn’t want you to beat yourself up. I’ve noticed you tend to be too hard on yourself sometimes.” She glanced up at him with the hint of a sheepish grin dancing on her lips.

Her expression said it all: that’s an understatement.

And this shocked him to his core, because she was absolutely right.

Just how well had she gotten to know him in their time spent together over the last few months? And how? And why?

The last question would always boggle him until the end of time; he would never understand why she was interested in him. Why was he the one she had feelings for, when she claimed she never had feelings for anybody? Though he supposed he could ask himself the same thing: why did he feel things for Y/N that he had never felt for anyone else in his life? And the answer was quite simple, really: because it was her.

He didn’t know what about himself was so special to make him stand out in her mind, and as a result he still couldn’t help but be skeptical, even after her confession. But it wasn’t like he had any choice in the matter on what to do with that skepticism—not when his heart kept leading him back to her.

At some point after her accurate description of the inner turmoil that’s been plaguing his mind, his mouth had fallen open slightly. He couldn’t hide the surprise from his face even if he tried; he was speechless.

Y/N gazed up at him, not seeming in any hurry to rush the conversation along, and for that he was grateful. He’d never met somebody so patient and understanding before—just another reason to make Jungkook’s heart flutter with endearment. And it was no secret to himself anymore that he yearned to be in Y/N’s presence for as long as possible whether he was aware of it or not.

“You don’t have to be embarrassed, you know,” she continued as if she could read his mind, and that was when he realized the way his eyes avoided hers and the fact that his skin was the color of tomatoes must’ve been dead giveaways. “I meant it when I said that was the hottest thing I’ve ever experienced.”

Jungkook balked, practically choking on his spit at her forward, shameless words. He didn’t think he’d ever get used to the way she spoke her mind so openly without any fear holding her back. She’d gone through so much in her childhood, in her life—Jungkook not even knowing the half of it, he’s sure—and yet she was still so strong and brave and everything he wasn’t. He couldn’t help but admire the person she was today, despite all the prejudice and judgment he’d held for her when they first met.

He realized now that he was too quick to judge her, to write her off based on rumors and first impressions. He realized now that he was too quick to do that to a lot of people. Just how long had he closed himself off from others based on his skewed, morally righteous perspective? His whole life, if he had to say.

The epiphany that she was physically prying open his third eye with a crowbar, that he was now self aware and changing for the better for her—for himself—hit him all at once.

It was the most frightening sensation of his life, the introvert in him wanting to crawl back into his shell where it was safe and comfortable and dull. But deep down he knew it was also for the best.

“W-why?” He heard himself asking before he knew what he was doing. “Why do you keep saying that?”

He had to know why she insisted on standing by her statement that his mishap was not only hot, but the hottest ever. Why did she insist on lying to him, on giving him false hope? She spoke her mind in every other situation, or at least that’s what he assumed; why did she insist on sparing his feelings in this incident? Was he really that pathetic? Did she pity him that much?

She simply blinked at him once, twice, before: “Because I really like you, Jungkook.”

As if in slow motion, you could visibly see his eyes expand to the size of saucers at your words.

You would’ve found the sight comical had the situation been any different. But the way he continued to disbelieve that you could have feelings for him, that you could be attracted to everything about him despite who he was, despite his inexperience—it made your heart break in your chest. You now knew from where this inferiority complex stemmed—he’d told you himself about his family situation—and if anything, it made you want to rebuild his confidence that much more. He needed to see himself the way you saw him.

But you also didn’t want to overwhelm him, either. And you were more than willing to walk that fine line with Jungkook no matter how long it took.

“So are we on for a study sesh tonight?” You continued nonchalantly, wanting to return things to normalcy for him as much as possible before he ran away mid-conversation as he’d done so many times before. You wanted to ease his self-doubt so he’d stop avoiding you—like he’d been doing the past few days—as much as possible.

Jungkook blinked as if trying to adjust from the whiplash of your subject-change. “U–uh… if you want?”

“Of course I want to,” you replied without missing a beat, not caring how desperate you seemed so long as he didn’t question where you stood. You took a step forward, unable to help the intangible, magnetic draw you felt to him as you gazed up at him beneath your lashes. “That is… if you want to.”

You watched in agony as a gulp slowly raked its way down his throat.

“I–” his voice was hoarse before he cleared his throat. “I uh, can’t tonight. I have to study for math.”

You weren’t even sure how one studied for math, but you weren’t about to question the expert. “That’s fine! We could… do it tomorrow?”

Jungkook chewed at his bottom lip, an action he always did when he was internally struggling with something before he finally nodded his head yes in a slow, hesitant manner. “N–not in my room though,” he added as an afterthought, and when your gaze snapped to his he had a pleading expression in his eyes.

A mix of emotions rolled through you. On one hand, you were horrified at the possibility that he thought the only reason you wanted to study again was so that you could get in his pants. Which—okay, you’re not going to lie, you would love to have a repeat of last week—but that definitely wasn’t why you wanted to see him. He meant more to you than just a means to get off, which was what you’d thought of flings in the past. You didn’t want him to be just a fling, though.

You didn’t want to think of the meaning behind that fact right now, either.

But on another hand, you understood where Jungkook was coming from. Maybe it was because you’d studied him enough over the past few months to learn some of his behavior (for once you finally saw the appeal of studying), so you knew that level of intimacy was probably extremely overwhelming for Jungkook and he needed a moment to step back. Hell, it was even overwhelming for you, and that was saying something. Never had your senses, your heart, your body, your soul been attacked like that with such an abundance of emotional pleasure, and you hoped with all your might that Jungkook was feeling the same—that that was the reason he needed a breather from being alone with you, and not the fact that he just didn’t want to be intimate with you.

Unless…

Oh god, had you misread the situation entirely? Had Jungkook hated everything about that night?

Suddenly you were feeling sick to your stomach. The thought of you misunderstanding his confession—or worse, him changing his mind completely—made you want to escape to a dark and desolate stairwell and cry in the hidden nooks of the windowsill again; the irony that not only would you be pulling a Jungkook by escaping mid-conversation, but that the stairwell was also the place the two of you had your first real conversation, wasn’t lost on you.

“M–my roommate is staying in, studying for finals.” The sound of Jungkook’s voice was like a breath of fresh air whooshing into your lungs after almost drowning underwater. You blinked out of your inner turmoil, focusing on him. “So he’ll be there, i–in my room, this whole week.”

And suddenly your heart was warming with relief, hope, appreciation, like flowers blooming in the spring after a torrential downpour. Just when you thought you had him figured out, this enigma of a boy continued to surprise you. It was usually easy for you to hide your emotions—you’d been doing so for years, always wore a mask around others so that they couldn’t see the real you—and yet somehow, Jungkook must’ve sensed them anyway. He sensed the doubt, the pain, the fear that you vowed never to cage you crawling up your throat and threatening to consume you whole, and he eased it. He didn’t want you to misunderstand him. He wanted to reassure you.

If anything, that was just a testament to how Jungkook had broken down your walls—how much you had let him in, how well he was able to read the emotions you wanted to keep hidden. Your mask had begun to break, the real you showing through the cracks, and Jungkook was still standing here. He hadn’t run away.

You fought the urge to grab him and slam your lips onto his.

“Not in your room, then,” is all you managed to breathe out beneath a fluttering smile.

[raph-and-spike]

Taking a Swim - Leo x fem!reader

request? yes/no 

I want a Story WITH LEO  It could be also nsfw. 😅🤤🤭 i'm a long friend of April and she make a Meeting between the turtles and me.Leo fall in love with me and dont know how he should tell me that.  We meet us in 4th July at first. Then its the 14.august and the turtles, April, casey and i go Swimming in a little sea... I hope you know the scenes,that i mean..  Have a good day 🤗😘 Nice wishes from germany

a/n: @tkappi I hope you don’t mind that I slightly altered it... I wanted the swimming scene to be a little more intimate ;) I’m sorry this request took so long!! Hope you like it <33 

warnings: NSFW...aka smut. Read at your own risk. For the sake of this being smut, both the reader and Leo will be 18 years old in this imagine. 

Finally, you thought to yourself with a smile of relief as you gripped the straps of your backpack on your walk home. It was summer–which meant you were free from school, free to do whatever you please for the next two and a half months. You couldn’t wait to spend everyday with your best friend, April O’Neil. The two of you had been best friends for as long as you could remember; you knew the redhead like the back of your hand. 

Though, summer didn’t end up going according to plan. Instead, you spent it calling April every morning and afternoon, asking to hang out. At first, she’d claimed that she was spending time with her aunt or hanging out with Casey. You believed her for a while, but once her excuses turned into not answering her phone, you began to get angry. It had already been the beginning of July, and the two of you had yet to hang out once! You’d had it.

Stomping on the pavement to her apartment, your mind raced with millions of different phrases you’d say to her. ‘Why haven’t you been answering my calls?’ was one. ‘Do you not like me anymore?’ was another. As you reached her apartment door, your heart raced through your chest as you brought your knuckles to the hard, painted wood. As it begun to swing open, you froze in your spot. 

“Raph, you could have just used the fire escape–”

You froze as a green figure stood in front of you, wearing an orange mask with matching nunchucks at its sides. You couldn’t move nor could you speak. You felt paralyzed.

“Uh, guys?!” It spoke. 

You looked behind it, two identical creatures standing next to April and Casey. You watched April’s eyes meet yours, her blue orbs widening in fear at your frozen figure. She wasn’t sure what to do or how to alleviate this situation. Panicking, she finally decided to pull you into her bedroom and tell you what she’d been hiding.

“We need to talk,” she stated calmly, grabbing your hand and pulling you into her apartment, leading you into her bedroom.

Once she shut her bedroom door behind you, she took a seat on her bed. You couldn’t find the ability to sit, so you stood in front of her with your arms at your sides.

“I met them at the beginning of last year. My Dad and I...” she struggled for words, “we were taken by these alien robots, called the ‘Kraang’.”

You cocked an eyebrow, obviously thinking that she was making this up.

“I know it sounds ridiculous, Y/n, but you have to listen,” she begged.

With a sigh, you sat down on the bed next to her and did as you were told. She told you everything. From when they saved her, to when her father was freed and then mutated, how she'd been trained by her turtle friends’ father–a tall rat, apparently–to be a kunoichi, to their adventures saving the city from not only mutants, but their enemy named Shredder, as well. You had no choice but to believe the redhead. After all, you’d known the girl your entire life. 

“So, that’s why you’ve been dodging my calls?” you asked, rerunning the story she’d just told you over again in your head.

She nodded sadly. “I didn’t mean to ignore you, Y/n. I’m so sorry,” she admitted guiltily. 

You put a hand on her shoulder with a small smile. “It’s okay, April...just promise me that you won’t push me away like that again? I mean, we’ve been through everything together, you can’t get rid of me now with a few mutant turtles,” you said with a laugh. 

She chuckled before pulling you into a hug.

“Actually, the turtles, Casey, and I were going to spend the rest of the summer at the farmhouse, and now since you know about them...” she trailed off before a knocking on the door interrupted her.

“Can you two, like, hurry up or somethin’? Mikey’s eatin’ all the road snacks!” a voice yelled from outside the door.

She rolled her eyes. “Coming, Raph!”

She looked at you, raising her eyebrows. 

“You wanna spend your summer with a couple of mutants at a farmhouse upstate?”

After introducing you to the turtles, and quickly bringing you to your own apartment so that you could fill a suitcase with clothes and other belongings, all seven of you sat in Mr. O’Neil’s Volkswagen bus as Casey drove to April’s farmhouse. With Mikey pestering you with questions–and a certain blue-masked turtle telling him to leave you alone–the ride went by pretty fast. 

The house was beautiful. It was incredibly secluded and quiet, which you preferred much more to the loud, packed city of New York. 

Mikey offered to cook everyday, often switching with you whenever he was busy sparring with the others, or occupied with comic books. You didn’t mind it, cooking eased your mind. You’d offer to do the dishes afterwards as well. It wasn’t until Mikey had picked up a new compelling comic series, when you’d been picking up cooking and dish-washing duty almost daily. Leo noticed this and offered to help one night. You immediately accepted his offer with a blush.

You ordered him to dry the dishes and put them away after you washed them. It was a steady, easy system between the two of you. He’d ask you questions about your interests and hobbies, and you’d ask him about his. You noticed that he didn’t seem much interested in talking about himself–he seemed rather interested in your answers instead. Talking with Leo was easy. With him, you knew he wouldn’t judge you or make you feel uncomfortable. 

He easily became closer to you than the others, always making excuses to spend time with you, and even asking you to teach him how to cook. You taught him how to make homemade pizzas, much to Mikey’s dinner request, along with some easy pasta dishes. 

One night, as you slept on the twin bed in April’s old childhood bedroom, you felt a tapping on your shoulder. You sat up, peering into the deep blue eyes that still seemed so magnetic in the darkness. 

“I want to show you something,” he whispered. 

Butterflies swarming in your stomach, you grinned.

Quietly tip-toeing down the creeky, aged wooden stairs and out the door, he gently grabbed your hand and began leading you through the grass. Once the two of you headed toward the edge of the forest, you frowned.

“Why are you taking me into the woods?” you asked, suspicion in your voice.

He stopped, a dreamy smile on his lips. “It’s going to be good, I promise.”

You chewed your lip hesitantly, causing his invisible eyebrows to knit together. 

“If I gave you one of my katanas, would you feel safer?” he asked, skillfully pulling the blade out from its sheath on his shell. 

You gladly took it, gripping the wrapped hilt as he lead you deeper into the forest. The broken twigs, rocks, and rough roots weren’t gentle on the bare soles of your feet, but your excitement and nervousness distracted you from it.

At last, a large clearing with a wide pond stared back at you, entirely lit by the large moon in the sky. Your jaw nearly dropped at the beautiful sight in front of you, tossing his katana onto the ground whilst you stared in awe. 

“I found it yesterday,” the blue-masked turtle explained briefly.

You hadn’t noticed that he was staring at you, wondering how the girl of his dreams would react to his discovery.

“Leo, it’s,” you struggled for words, “’incredible’ feels like too small of a word to describe it,” you admitted. 

He chuckled. “I know what you mean, that’s how I felt when I first saw it too... It’s–”

“Perfect,” you finished.

He gazed at you as if you were a star–no, that’s too small. He gazed at you as if you were an entire universe; he felt like a small, floating asteroid compared to you, an entire universe. How were you so perfect? How was creation able to give you such beautiful features, a personality sculpted just for him? Dissecting your mind all this time while the two of you spent so much time together made him realize just how much he’d fallen for you and how much he adored you. 

You watched him as he stared at you intently, an unreadable expression on his face.

“Leo?” you asked hesitantly.

“Can I, uhm, may I...kiss you?” he stuttered, attempting to raise his shoulders back confidently as he waited for your response.

You felt your cheeks turn crimson. With a slow nod, you moved to fill the space between the two of you, watching as he stared at you in awe. Within seconds, he pressed his lips against yours. Surprised, you nearly pulled away before melting against him, wrapping your arms around his neck and closing your eyes. He didn’t attempt to move his lips, after all, he had no experience with kissing whatsoever. You took the initiative to begin moving your lips slowly, knowing not to introduce your tongue just yet. Your lips moved gently against each other’s, and you’d never felt closer to Leo. 

Pulling away to catch your breath, you turned your head toward the pond, and back at Leo. Getting your drift, he grinned, shrugging his other katana off before jumping into the pond. You looked down at your pajamas. Deciding not to get them wet, you slowly pulled your pajama top off, revealing your bra to Leonardo. He watched from the water, cheeks pinker than you’d ever seen them before, as you began to pull down your pajama bottoms. You stood in the cool, summer night air, nearly naked, before jumping into the water with him. With a shriek at the cold temperature of the pond, you attempted to swim toward him before he moved away.

“I have sort of an...issue; we should probably keep our distance,” he admitted, his cheeks still blushing profusely. 

You cocked a brow in confusion. “What?”

He made a downward motion with his head, before it hit you. Your own cheeks flushed once more.

“Well,” you began, slowing making your way toward him, despite his warning, “we can...fix that, if you want.”

You watched as his blue orbs widened, Adam’s apple bobbing as he gulped.

“A-are you sure?” he asked, looking bewildered, shocked that someone as beautiful as you would ever want to do something like that with him. 

You nodded, closing the space between the two of you and forcing his lips against your own. This kiss was incredibly different than the first; it was needy, it was desperate, as if you couldn’t breathe without him in between your legs.

You didn’t waste time introducing your tongue, feeling him do the same as your lips danced sloppily against each other’s, begging for a release of tension. He leant down, grabbing your legs to wrap them around his waist. You easily leant into him, the water helping hold you up, as you felt his hardened length brush against your clothed core. You moaned against his lips, grinding your heat against it. Growling, he brought his hands to your bum, ripping the fabric of your panties off. You gasped, feeling his hands squeeze your bare ass and push you further against him.

With ease, due to how wet you were, he was able to slide his length into you. You groaned, feeling him fill you up.

“Is this okay? A-am I doing this right?” he asked, his voice breathy and raspy.

“Yes, Leo, move,” you begged, resting your forehead against his. 

He thrusted hard, causing you to nearly scream. He continued to thrust, every stroke going deeper and deeper until he developed a steady rhythm. His thrusts quickened as your walls began to clench, grasping onto his plastron as you felt your climax nearing.

“Leo, please,” you groaned, shoving your head into the crook of his neck, trying to muffle your moans into his skin.

He thrusted even faster, squeezing your ass against him as your hips met his movements. Your eyes squeezed shut as your climax hit you, body spasming against him as you felt his own hips still, his cock spurting inside of you. Your body fell weak against him as you felt him gently pull out. He moved his hands to your back, stroking the soft skin whilst he held you against his chest.

The two of you rested there, basking in the moonlight, warm skin pressed against each other. It was then, that Leo knew he was in love. 

[kakiwrites]

I'm the anon that requested the sero one and I LOVED ITTT SOOO MUCHHHH!!!! THANK YOU SO SO MUCH, YOURE SO FRICKINNG TALENTED OMGGGG!!!! also if you dont mind, and you're not too overwhelmed with requests, could I please have a part 2... 👉👈😳😳 you dont have to but if you could that would be really really appreciated. Thank you so so much. Please remember to stay hydrated and take care of yourself. xxx 😘😘😘

the princess joins the fray

Genre: fluff

A Hanta sero x reader

Here's Part one of pirate sero x princess! Reader

Synopsis: A time where elves, fairies, dragons, and other wonderful creatures live in harmony, how would you choose to live? On a pirate ship? Making potions? Who do you stumble upon along the journey? A soldier, a poet, a king? Well, that’s for you to decide.

 (masterlist is under navigation!)

 a/n: I just couldn't resist! I had so much fun writing for the first one that I wanted to do this second one straight away! Requests are open so please don't be shy to leave anything in my ask box! Hope this makes you smile anon and whoever else is reading.

 "can she join us-"

 "no."

 Everyone groaned. Mina hugged you from behind, resting her chin on your shoulder. "oh come on captain~ she's a catch. She knows how to fight and gets along with us fine!" she whined, bakugo just shook his head at that, going back to examining the gold things in the king's room.

 The battle was over and the pirates had won and they were out scavenging for the riches the castle had locked up. Bakugo didn't have a choice but to let you fight with them since he knew it would be bad if he had to deal with you too but there was no way he'll allow you to be a member of his crew. He was just looking out for them.

 "no."

 "bakubro," kiri started, only to get glared at by the very same boy because of the nickname. "this is the first I've seen sero blush and laugh like this. I swear I don't think we could let her go anymore unless you want sero to mop around for weeks."

 Sero blushed at this. Was It that obvious? Was he wearing his heart on his sleeve? He blushed, scratching the back of his neck. He couldn't even keep eye contact. You redden and looked away too.

 Finally, bakugo sighed before stashing some gold coins into one of his pouches. "alright, alright. She could stay. Just keep her in line sero. I'm warning you." bakugo said, glaring at the black-haired boy. He smiled gratefully at his captain before taking your hand in his and squeezing it. Everyone else started squealing in delight.

 "oi, we’re not done, start filling your pockets dumbasses."

 "yes, sir!" everyone yelled out in unison before skipping off to look for some treasure.

 Sero walked up from behind you, whispering in your ear. His words make you shiver in embarrassment.

 "Welcome to the crew, princess~"

  "(y/n) is sleeping in my room!" mina yelled out when you got on the ship. You can hear the grumbles from the boys who were climbing up the ladder. The pink-skinned girl took your hand and pulled you into the small ladder down the belly of the ship, leading you into a tight corridor lined with rooms, all with names etched on each door.

 Mina swung open her door and showed her around. Her room was filled with colorful seashells strung on twine. "it's so pretty~" you complimented, your fingers grazing the different textures of the shells.

 Mina jumped into her bed then sat cross-legged on it. She was staring at you with a smirk. She was a person who seemed to know how to draw out secrets. You looked back at her, her expression making you jump. Mina took your hand and pulled you down onto the bed next to her. "so, tell me, what do you like about sero?" she interrogated, wiggling her eyebrows at you. you didn't have a reason why you liked him, You met them earlier today so you can't say. but sero just… gave off this soothing aura with you. He was also very headstrong and was willing to kill people for the people he loves.  He talked you out of killing him after all.

 "he just gave off a soft aura," you muttered to her. Mina squealed at your response. Why did he have that impression of you, That you were worth fighting for? You continued talking about all sorts of things with the girl before she fell asleep mid-conversation.

 But you felt restless.

  You snuck out of mina's room, went up the ladder and landed back on the deck. The ship was rocking back and forth softly, rocking everyone to sleep. The night air hit your skin and made you shiver. The stars shone above you and you walked up the wooden barrier so you could look up at it.

 "what are you doing here?" asked a familiar voice.

 You looked back to see sero, his face was pink from the cold. He stood by you then looked up at the stars with you. "what are you doing here? It's late…" he asked, looking over at your shaking figure. He scooted closer to you, taking your shaking fingers in his. He brought your hand to his lips and started blowing on them, his hot breath not just warming your hands, but warming your heart too.

 "I just couldn't sleep." you said, looking at the sea instead but you didn't dare pull your hands away. He chuckled at you, putting your hands back down on the banister. You glanced at him. He was blushing in a deeper shade of red. You smiled at him, stepping closer, allowing him to slowly wrap his arms around you.

 "Can I stay with you for awhile princess?"

"please… be my guest."

 You sat down on the deck and stayed there, talking about anything and everything until the sun rose.

 This was fairly short because I had no idea what else to add-since this is just the beginning of their relationship and I don't see them kissing and stuff, just blushing and small touches. I might go back on this idea soon if you want more anon, keep asking! Requests are open for different characters too, so please don't be shy~ love you guys ♥️💕💖

General taglist (don’t be shy to comment your tumblr @ below): @tokyoghoose @macaronnv @reogou @lnarizakis @midnightangelfox @wumboho

series taglist  (don’t be shy to comment your tumblr @ below!): @astrxrism ​ @kurookinnie @isentsworld @inkumistuki

[shyrose57]

Brothers anon, im gonna start combing the two separate submissions again cause its getting too short to have them separate I think?

1: His possession messed with memories Ranbob had before, so memories of school friends or playing with Ran were distant to erased. Though after Dreams possession it was also harder to make and keep memories. But thankfully as Ranbob was recovering from Dream and got futher away making memories came eaiser to him, though he'll never get back the memories he lost. 

3: Oh he would very quickly grow to regret his decision, but it would be funny. And Benjamin would later admit that while it was annoying and stressful, it was also fun and he was very happy to have his two families meet and generally get along. 

8: Everyone is just in shocked silence before Cletus just goes "YEAHHHHHHHHHH!" Oddly happy that Ranboo committed so much arson. Oh definitely, after all the outcasts of society where put there. Of course people would make such negative rumors about Mizu and treat the people as the scum of the earth. Though this also means, people don't know what happened in Mizu, and anyone who knows, view it in a more happy and a "Their finally gone" type of way, then viewing it as the tragedy it was. 

Spoons is a card game technically. A group of people sit in a group and everyone gets 4 cards, and you keep discarding at least 1 card of yours to the person on your left, who then does the same to their person on their left, the last person in the group puts a card into a discard pile. The goal is to get 4 of the same cards, and once someone gets 4 of the same cards, that person goes and grabs a spoon in a pile in front of them (let's say there's 5 players, theres only going to be 4 spoons cause there's always a spoon less than the people playing), once they grab one anyone can grab a spoon. And the person who doesn't get a spoon gets a S added to them, once Spoons is spelled the person gets out of the game, and a spoon gets removed to continue the game. Basically for flowers its played the exact same way but with flowers in the middle expect for spoons.

11: I just imagine Dream sulking in a corner as you yell at him and him going like "well I didn't know…" as he kicks a stone. And he wasnt sure what it was, but quickly jumped on the idea that maybe it was the fact that Ran was still alive somewhere, and that that's causing Ranbob to willingly let himself become weak and defy him. Causing Dream to become angrier at Ran and punish Ranbob harder. 

----

3: During the brothers fight in the storm, and after everyone runs off to find Ranbob, Ran is left alone. And he decides to just wander off into the storm, not protecting himself from the rain so he does get burnt. The whole time he's lost deep in thought and isn't really paying attention. He continues to wander for a whole day unfollowed (because after the Gladiators and Fishermen came back to the cave after finding Ranbob they are in no rush to find Ran and decide to look for him after the storm passes, which takes a full day) and at some point Raq finds him wandering. Which Raq then uses Rans distraction to his advantage and attacks him. At first only really the gladiators where concerned when they found Ran gone. But once they found him blinded and terrified everyone felt awful and a looming sense of guilt. And everyone continued to feel that way, even after they got the antidote and Ran started to see again.

4: They would just leave Ranbob alone and check in on him every now and again. But generally let him deal with it himself. They'd feel guilty leaving him alone, but they also know that they can't really do anything for him as their not prepared or briefed on how to help him in this situation. 

10: Oh definitely, even with Ran blinded they would've been kicked out immediately for fighting, without even a second glance. Dont forget, Ran still cares for his brother. And maybe, losing his sight made him face the side of him that wanted to become family again with Ranbob, maybe it brought enough to light that he just can't ignore it anymore. Mostly only negative potions can be permanent, like posion, blinding, wither, and nausea (I know the last like 3/2 are effects but they've also found a way to make effects into potions.). You already know what a antidote for blindness would be. A antidote for wither would be, a ghast tear (actually a basic ingredient for almost every antidote), blaze powder, and glistening melon to make a overpowered healing potion. Antidote for posion would be ghast tear, swiftness (so it acts fast to get rid of the posion), and the 3rd ingredient depends on what kind of posion it  was (posion that has a side effect of constricting or filling the lungs with water? Pufferfish and Turtle shell for last ingredients. Posion that has weakness? Blaze powder, and glistening melon) And antidote for nausea would be ghast tear, and potion of slowness to allow the person to slowly feel better, so their nausea doesn't hit them all at once before disappearing, which can cause them to throw up or have side effects. 

13: Thats exactly what they did. 

14: Jackie will 100% attempt to fight God and no one can stop him. :) (to be honest im not sure yet, I know I want to do more with Raq and have the idea that maybe he could be the person that finds Dream and gets him out of Mizu, but that's pretty often used in stories and I want to try to think of something more unique. Maybe I'll have it so Raq actually manages to capture the brothers or at least one of them and uses them as blackmail?)

15: When Ranbob was a child and Ran was just a baby Ranbob would often take Ran out of his crib and take him to go watch the fish swim by. When Ran was old enough he'd follow Ranbob everywhere, even a few times he managed to sneak into Ranbobs class room and almost wasn't caught. Ran got extremely clingy one day and managed to gather his haunting all up into his arms and carried them around, even though he was obviously struggling. And Ranbob used to complain about his teachers and idiotic classmates whenever he got home, which is funny when you consider Ran was very impressiable at the time and Ran started mimicking Ranbob, leading to him cursing, much to Ranbobs dismay. 

And im curious, do you have any questions that I havent answered? Or do you have any ideas for anything? I'd love to hear whatever you have to say about anything honestly!

Course! I dont have much lore wise other than they go to Kelalen and when they hear Dream is still around they decide to stay back to help fight him. But the idea I have is that Karl is just kinda hanging with everyone I listed, talking about allies or treaties when his time traveling clock/watch starts to go off, and he panics, but sadly in his haste to stop it he makes it worse and it grabs everyone, where they end up in the future. After hours of confusion and explaining they calm down. When 2 days later they find the Gladiator and Fishermen group, at first Karl is strongly against going to then for help, but everyone basically ignores him and go to ask for help. Hours of explanation and proof giving later the GF (Gladiator and Fishermen, got tired of writing it out) group sadly tells them that they cant really help. Until Ran (who was previously gone searching the surrounding area and making sure it was safe) appears high up on a tree (cause I just can't get the image of Ran on a tree and looking comfortable and confident as hell out of my head), and says that maybe Kelalen can help, if not going to Foolish may be a good alternative. Isaac, and Grievous are extremely against going back (at this time a 2 months have past since they left Kelalen)n saying it could be dangerous but Ran just aboustely shoots them down, along with Watson and Jackie agreeing with Ran, and Karls group agreeing to it. They head off to Kelalen. And Jackie is extremely excited at the potential of going to see Foolish finally. And it'd probably be like a sub au where the brothers au is the main backbone for it but at a certain point it separates from the au and becomes its own.

1: Okay, ouch. Can you imagine if Ran brought one of those memories up, and just had Ranbob look confused, or horrified, depending on how quick he realizes what happened? How would Ran react to that realization, both before and after he forgives Ranbob?

3: If nothing else, everyone got some laughs from it-even Benjamin, once his friends were far, far away from his family and not able to teach them more chaos. 

8: Cletus, why are you so happy? Do you just enjoy knowing chaos existed back then? Are you an arsonist? What’s up with you? 

Also, wow. Not cool, other city people, that’s very mean.

Spoons sounds like it’s interesting, I might try it sometime. Did the group just have those cards on them? What other games did they have?

11: Good, put Dream back in the corner, I’m gonna be yelling more. Because, seriously dude? I know you probably exist solely out of spite, but c’mon. Admittedly, from a certain point of view, it could be considered amusing that your first thought was that Ranbob was making himself weaker out of defiance/spite but like. From a more responsible and mature viewpoint, that’s incredibly stupid, and I-just. Buddy, hate to tell you, but I’m pretty sure that’d just be a you thing. Besides you were in Ranbob’s head, didn’t he think Ran was dead? It doesn’t even make sense. Good lord, I’m half-tempted to get the broom and chase you around like you’re a particularly unruly barn cat. 

------

3: First of all, that sounds really scary for Ran. Second of all, are we getting an overprotective arc?

4: Kind of sad, but understandable, they’re dealing with the situation as best they can.

10: Even if the group was provoked by the townspeople? Potions sound really cool, wish I could make those in real life, tbh.

13: W-what do you mean ‘that’s exactly what they did’? Anon, is your friend, like, a legit gremlin? I’m spooked. 

14: Foolish takes one look at Jackie, wearing a smile that exactly matched Tubbo’s when he was about to cause chaos, and immediately nopes out of that. He knows that face, and he will not be getting tangled into a fight with a goblin child today, no sir. I’m sure Jackie tries regardless though. (Also, that sounds like that goes horribly, do we get an overprotective ender-sibling, for whoever gets captured or used as blackmail, if that’s what you do?)

15: I love all of these so much, oh my gosh. Baby Ran seeing the fishes and following his big brother around. Poor Ranbob’s face when his baby brother cursed one day, Ran trying to carry all of his haunting. I’m in tears, honestly. 

Umm...I can’t think of anything right now, to be honest. If I ever do have a question or idea though, I’ll through it on the Brothers AU tag for you to check out, I guess. 

Oh, this sounds really cool. The part about them just ignoring their local time traveler when they’ve just time traveled particularly amuses me, as does Jackie wanting to see Foolish-I feel like Foolish may be a little more than terrified to see both Tubbo and Jackie back, honestly. Why was Ran willing to help them so much? What did they do to offer proof? How did Ranbob react once they proved who they were? How does all the group get along? Are they Ranboo’s haunting, and if so, if Ranboo gets close with his descendants, does he merge his hauntings with theirs? How does the time group feel about the Brothers fighting, and Ranbob’s possession?

[writesowhatnext]

not the brightest of ideas // sirius black

Summary: reader is Sirius’ side piece but you might have a few more feelings than required for this particular role

Request: Another Sirius x Reader ANGST (i'm obsessed w sirius angst i'm sorryyy😔) based on the song "The Weekend" by SZA. Sirius has a girlfriend and y/n is his side chick who is in love w him but he doesn't give a shit about her :( They dont talk in public and his friends and gf don't know about her, of course. She tells him she wants more than just sex with him but he doesn't care :( Angst ending please! Ty babe 🥺

A/N: I’m not a fan of stories with ppl cheating but I liked your request tbh bc I always hate hate hate it when people are like “no I love you I’ll never cheat on you again it was a mistake” bc personally that’s just bullshit

Reader: unspecified 

Warnings: toxic relationship!!!, cheating, nsfw, sex talk, angst, swearing

“Could you be more of a swot?” Your friend asked as she left the library, ready to go to the party. You laughed as she left, rolling your eyes. Charms essays don’t write themselves. You walked around the bookshelves, stopping by the section on levitation charms. Sliding a thick hardback from the shelf, you turned to sit down, instead walking straight into someone’s back.

“Shit, sorry.” You said as he turned around slowly. He was tall and handsome and his red tie suited him no matter how scruffily it had been knotted.

“Not a problem.” He smirked, wiping his bottom lip with his thumb. You offered a smile in response.

“I’m Sirius Black.”

You recognised the name. If his handsome face hadn’t already made you nervous, his reputation surely did.

“Y/N.”

He nodded, tonguing his cheek.

“Nice to meet you, Y/N.”

He nodded again and then turned around. He walked towards another boy, James Potter if you remembered correctly. As you stood there, contemplating what exactly had just happened, he turned back to face you. You bit your lip. He shot you a wink. You stepped back behind the shelf slightly. James turned around to see what Sirius was looking at. He didn’t see you.

“What’s up, Pads?”

“Nothing.”

That’s all you ever were to Sirius Black.

You should’ve known, really. Sirius Black was notorious at Hogwarts: a handsome pureblood wizard who could and did get anyone he wanted. He was smart and talented and funny and charming and rebellious. One thing he was not was monogamous. Everyone knew that. He liked to play, especially with girls. Though, he didn’t discriminate. If he wanted something, he would take it – to hell with the consequences. When he decided he wanted you, who were you to deny him?

After you met, for months he did nothing unless you were alone. He would pass you in the corridors without a glance, he never said hello; he acted like you didn’t even exist. But when you were alone, he was completely obsessed. In empty hallways and between shelves in the library, he would whisper the dirtiest things in your ear, his hands wandering all over you. He enjoyed the effect he had on you, you just knew it. He loved the way your breathing would get shallow and the wild, blown look in your eyes. He lived for the feeling of your hands on him, the high he got from the attention. When the rumour spread that he was dating Marlene McKinnon, you expected your secretive fun to stop, especially when he kissed her in the Great Hall in front of everybody. Whispers spread throughout the castle of Marlene McKinnon being the girl that finally tied Sirius Black down. You believed them until Sirius knocked on your door in the middle of the day one weekend.

There was a Hogsmeade trip and it was the last before Christmas, so almost everyone had gone. You hadn’t been in the mood, too busy with school work and not up for having to watch Sirius and Marlene snog across a pint of butterbeer. The last person you expected to see when you opened your door was him. He was more impatient than usual, pushing past you into your empty room, casting a quick look over his shoulder to see if anyone had seen him.

“Hi.” He said, as if it hadn’t been weeks. You tried to ignore the way his grin had you weak at the knees.

“What are you doing here?”

“Aren’t you pleased to see me?”

You bit your lip. He walked forwards, a sly smile on his face as he placed his hands on your hips.

“I thought we could have a bit of fun.”

You frowned up at him, far too aware of his fingers playing with the hem of your jumper, itching to remove it.

“What about Marlene?”

He smirked, tipping his head to the side. He leant forwards and your breathing stopped as his lips pressed to the shell of your ear.

“This can be our little secret, eh?”

And, so it was. For weeks.

If the guilt about helping Sirius cheat wasn’t enough, you had to cope with feelings you didn’t expect. It had been embarrassingly easy to convince yourself that Sirius wasn’t just doing this with only you so you weren’t really that guilty in the whole thing – he was the one in a relationship after all. You hated your newly messed up, self-validating logic, but it made it easier to at least partially lift the weight on your conscience. The weight of your feelings was something else entirely. You found yourself staring at Sirius across of rooms, in class, the Great Hall, corridors, Hogsmeade, even. Something about the way he laughed, the way he teased his friends, set something alight in you. It was part of a Sirius you only ever got to see if he fell asleep before you.

As a rule, Sirius avoiding sleeping with you. He would either leave straight after sex or he would be gone by morning, usually returning to his dorm in the dead of night before you or the castle woke up. He’d made it very clear that this was only between you – no one could know. It made your heart ache. As did seeing him asleep next to you. He was so calm when he slept, so vulnerable. Some nights he had a small smile on his face that made butterflies erupt inside you. It was a different Sirius to the one you spent your nights hot and heavy with. He was so many more things than just someone to sleep with and that scared you. Every time you were together you found yourself wishing for more. You couldn’t regret your choice to carry on with your arrangement; you would take any scrap of attention you could get from him. That said, you were fully aware of how pathetic it was and you realised how stupid you were to think this would be easy. What a bad idea it was to get yourself involved with him.

Thoughts of being more than what you were with Sirius filled your mind for weeks. It wasn’t until another Hogsmeade weekend in summer that he’d been able to ditch his friends and see you. He’d passed you a note very covertly in the corridor the week before telling you to stay at Hogwarts. Part of you wanted to go to Hogsmeade just to spite him, to prove that you weren’t that desperate. You were though. When you opened the door to your dorm, him pushing past you as he always did, you felt numb. You looked behind him to see if anyone was out there. There wasn’t, obviously, they all had real relationships to enjoy - not empty moments shared in the dark. When you turned around, he was kissing you, hands pressed to your cheeks before dropping to your shirt, starting to undo the buttons. Usually, you helped him. Or took off his clothes. Not this time.

It took him a while before he noticed your overall lack of participation and stepped back, dropping his hands slightly.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, breathless and confused. You blinked.

“N-nothing. Sorry.”

He narrowed his eyes slightly but seemed to give up on his interrogation when you began to undress him. He didn’t care that much anyway. It wasn’t until you pulled back again, palms against his bare shoulders, his hands at your waist, that he huffed.

“What is up with you today, Y/N?”

There was no fondness in his voice. He’d never throw his arm around you as he did to Marlene McKinnon in the Three Broomsticks.

“I-“ you had even less of an idea of what you were going to say than he did. “I can’t do this anymore, Sirius.”

“What?”

He wasn’t hurt, that was obvious. Confused, definitely. Annoyed, probably. Not hurt though. He just pulled away from you, frowning. After a moment his hands left your body.

“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” He said. You squeezed your eyes shut and shook your head.

“It’s not that.”

He frowned.

“I need more than this.” You opened your eyes even though you knew seeing his face would break your heart. “I want more than this. With you.”

He didn’t understand at first. Then a strangely regretful look passed over his features before it hardened completely. You hated the way a part of you lit up at the regret, happy that he cared even a little about your feelings before he went for the jugular.

“I don’t like you, Y/N.” he insisted, somewhat firmly, as if he were fishing for each word individually. “This was never going to be anything more.”

You nodded, clenching your jaw. You didn’t trust your voice, already aware of the tears blurring your vision and the lump growing in your throat. He got off your bed, pulling his trousers up. You watched him throw his shirt on, doing up the buttons quickly, haphazardly.

“Sirius, I-“ his eyes were sharp. “I’m sorry.”

He looked down to do his tie, casting one last hard look at you.

“Yeah.” He said, turning around and disappearing through the door, shutting it behind him.

You swallowed, chewing at your top lip as tears began to run down your cheeks. Part of you knew this would happen. You should’ve expected it from the start, really. It was never going to be a good idea to get so close to Sirius Black. You pulled your bed sheets over your head, desperate to hide from the world.

[cloudsrust]

Okay, I love that DJ and bug headcannon so much because I also think the Green 1010 also likes bugs so they can bond over that! I've been slowly making 1010 bond with DJ because at first they were super overprotective of Neon J in the relationship but getting to know and become friends with DJ helps them accept DJ and Neon's relationship! I see both Blue and DJ as nonbinary so they bond over that. And Red loves space and to learn so they bond over that! I dont know what Yellow or White would bond with DJ over yet, but they would probably get friendly sooner or later

Oh my god y e s to all of this- And yeah Green is for sure another bug person sdshdds maybe is one of the reasons he isn’t as popular? Too open about his love for bug friends 😔 Also I mean- I personally see all of 1010 as nonbinary (they just don’t use only they/them pronouns) so in my case they could all bond with DJ over that :,> Mhhh- Blue could bond with them with the stargazing! I see them as someone who get’s stressed out easily when among too many people and/or noise- so a nice silence filled stargazing night would surely do the trick between these two! I see Yellow as an artistic soul- so they could also be either interested in their bugs (they’re inspiring creatures with their shapes and colors) or in the colors the space has to offer!  White... mhh- White I’m sure would be the hardest to get close to. Not only he is the most protective and vigilant over Neon’s well being but he also has the toughest shell (always in my headcanon whoops;;) to break down. I’d say it would either happen veeeeery slowly with him just accepting that DJ is “safe” for his Captain- or something would have to happen to make White trust them. (OOC below- beware dshsd) I’m thinking maybe White having a breakdown due to his one-dimensional flirty persona he gotta keep up for the fans, leading him to ask himself who even is he anymore- (”if everyone sees you one way, isn’t that the real you in the end?”) questioning his purpose in the band if not in life (Yes he is the most popular but- what else? What about when his fame wears out?). And there DJ could try and confront him about these feelings that they too known way too well. I think that would be quite the tear-jerking way to get close :,,> bUT STILL- DJ ending up adopting 1010 (or DJ being adopted by 1010- can work both ways sdsgdsj) is always a big YES for me heck,,

[nathalie-sancoeur-assistant]

Loveater

Here’s my analysis on Loveater, spoilers are below- and there may be some Miracle Queen ones as well.

“Experiencing loss is a part of life. Some people lose their first love. Some lose the harmony of their relationship. Some people lose hope. Others lose patience. While others lose their soul. Some lose their certainties...and some have nothing to lose”

Let’s look at this intro sequence, shall we? 

I believe each and every one of those lines have meaning and foreshadowing in them for each character they were about. 

My evidence:

“Some people lose their first love” it shows Master Fu staring longingly at Marianne. And in the very next episode ( MQ spoilers) even though he’s lost his memories, he’s finally able to be with the woman he loves. 

In this very episode, the loss of harmony between Andre and Audrey’s relationship is what starts off the whole plan Hawkmoth has in store for the next 2 episodes. 

Some lose hope- Chloe, losing hope in Ladybug that she will ever have her miraculous again. And that loss of hope is what fuels her to (MQ spoilers) follow along with Hawkmoth.

So what are we left with that didn’t quite have any resolution in this episode? 

Chat Noir, losing patience. 

Nathalie, losing her soul. 

Gabriel, losing his certainties. 

And Luka, having nothing to lose. 

Before I go on, I would like to point out that the only time we have heard of someone having “nothing to lose” was in Heroes Day, when Hawkmoth claimed HE had nothing to lose....and yet, if he had nothing to lose, he wouldn’t be losing his certainties. So how does Luka have nothing to lose, pray tell? Moving on- these are the 4 unresolved lines of this episode, and I can’t help but feel as if there’s going to be more at play to them later on. 

Chat has been basically waiting for Ladybug to fall in love with him this whole time. If he’s losing patience, that may very well cue his attempt to move on through season 4. 

Nathalie, losing her soul- Nathalie Sancoeur. Nathalie “Heartless”.Soulless? And directly after it’s said, she begins coughing, because she’s still sick. This could be implying a couple things. 

1.) Nathalie’s body isn’t the only thing being effected by the miraculous. Her lifeforce and very soul are being effected and potentially drained. 

2.) By soul, they’re referring to how she’s willing to give up anything for this family. How she’s essentially allowed herself to become their servant, willing to do whatever they ask of her and essentially, giving up her soul for them. 

And if it’s the first then we know that Emilie isn’t just comatose or dead. She’s practically soulless. 

No matter how you take it, it means that she has been willing to give up her very soul for Gabriel and his family. 

Gabriel, losing his certainties- when she says this, we get this scene. 

So this I feel kind of obviously implies that Gabriel’s certainty on both what he thinks is right and what he wants is wavering. And if he’s losing his certainty, his determination is going to waver...which means he might start occasionally skipping over potential akumas for Nathalie’s sake.

Now of course (MQ spoilers) by the end the peacock miraculous is already fixed, giving him less reason to doubt his intentions and actions, but what about what he wants? This is the episode after Felix chronologically if I remember correctly, so this is directly after Adrien told Gabriel that Nathalie was practically part of the family. And we see how intimate things get between them throughout these two episodes. He may have no reason to back down anymore, so it would be interesting to see him still doubting himself. 

And lastly, Luka...honestly, this is likely a really big stretch...but the only other person who’s been implied to have nothing to lose (despite having a son who needs him, a woman who loves him, and a business that can’t run without him) was Hawkmoth. And now we have Luka, someone with a sister who needs him, a mother who loves him, a girl who needs his support that he cares very much for and a bright future ahead of him, being implied to have nothing to lose. As soon as I heard that, my thoughts went to the new Hawkmoth actually being Luka. Which...I have no clue how they would do that. But...he’s the person no one would suspect. He’d be practically safe from suspicion until some solid evidence came into play and even then folks would doubt. It would be the biggest plot twist MLB could pull, I’ll tell you that. 

---

I don’t ship Lukanette, but this is very cute.

And this...oh my gosh, Gabriel in this scene. He just seems so happy to present this love cloak to Audrey and Andre. It’s one of the happiest sounding voices I can recall him using and it’s because he did this on purpose, he know’s exactly what’s going to happen. He’s just waiting for it to unfold. And you have to admit it’s pretty funny. Especially when you realize that...he did it on purpose. (and he made it a cloak because he wanted to akumatize both of them.)

They both know what’s up.

And you know what, I actually like it quite well, but Audrey is right...it doesn’t look good on Andre. 

“A symbol of eternal love...”

Sooo if someone were to order that in a dress form for themselves....would it symbolize their self-love too? 

---

Adrien: Can we help you? *puts hands together* please?

Pure. 

“The secret to a long lasting marriage is-” “Distance!” 

Nathalie:

That smirk.

Even if no one dates each other in the Kagami/Adrien/Marinette/Luka square, they have a very wholesome friendship deserving of recognition. 

Scooby dooby doo, where are you, we’ve got some work for you now 

This was a shout-out to the cliche of all older cartoons when folks are sneaking around, wasn’t it?

She’s still the one out here on the field doing the dirty work. 

Pure. Nothing to see here, just two broken rich kids finally having a chance to enjoy themselves with their good friend Marinette. I love their friendship.

My resting face.

She really is quite pretty with her hair down. 

Gotta go fast

She pressed one button and spoke to Hawkmoth. She has Hawkmoth on speed dial.

I ship lovesquare but the more we get of Lukanette and Adrigami the more I appreciate it. And the more Luka grows on me. I don’t ship it, but I’m not mad at it at all. 

I love the Mari-vision. Its like watching a lightbulb go off in her head.

Also! I love how Heart Hunter/Loveater doesn’t just target romantic love. I mean, sure romantic love is cool and all but they were even able to recognize the love and bond between an owner and their pet. Self-love counts. I’m honestly really disappointed they didn’t get a chance to corner Nathalie, though...not that I want Nathalie in harms way, but I would have loved to hear them say something like “This one is just absolutely filled with love.” “Yes, unrequited...” “Love for a family that can never be her own. What a shame...” and right before she gets devoured, Chat Noir dives down and gives her a chance to get away. 

I have nothing to say about this, I just wanted to include it. 

They still look like night and day even without ones transformation.

“I dont believe in those kids of myths...but I do believe in ice cream” I agree.

“I wish I didn’t have to involve you in this”

Poor thing- I love this scene though. As soon as we see them together it starts with him reaching for her- seeing them out in public, in the daylight, interacting like that, it’s quite pleasing. 

Does he even realize how close her is to her?

And when you zoom further out, he’s got a hand resting on her shoulder...

It’s quite beautiful. 

An awkward screenshot, but I love this running sequence. “Bye bye little bird”, love it.

And...she fell right into their trap. They knew they’d never be able to find the guardian if she managed to detransform and be her civilian self- they were rushing and confusing her so she’d forget to detransform.

“My dear guardian” Okay so what does Hawkmoth have a thing for Master Fu now? 

“My dear Pigeon” 

“My dear Mayura”

“My dear Guardian”

It’s like with me and calling everyone “Hon(ey)”. And I have to admit, the first time seeing this- 

It was quite terrifying. Because I couldn’t help but imagine/compare it to looking up and suddenly seeing something like SCP-096 looming over you, or slenderman or you know just...something really chilling. Looking up and seeing someone or something with the capabilities of ruining and uprooting your life, when you’ve been trying so hard to avoid them all this time. It’d be spooky.

---

The conversation they had here was kinda heartbreaking. 

“There’s only one person I don’t want to hurt- Marinette. She’s the only other friend I have.” and yet “I can’t give him up, even for the sake of friendship”

Maybe I find it heartbreaking because I value friendship over romantic feelings. If I found out a friend had feelings for a guy I also liked, unless that guy approached me first, it’d be given up for the sake of my friend. And even if the guy approached me first, it’d still be a complicated process for me to be willing to accept. I’m so used to hearing about Friends > everyone else that I forget that there are people who don’t have those same values. 

Aw yeah, Master Fu finally out to kick some shell.

And the fact that Hawkmoth assumes that old people have the same time limit that children do, goes to show that hey, he still doesn’t know everything about the miraculous. He still has a lot to learn. 

Oh gosh I love going through and pausing this show frame by frame because then I get gems like this

I can’t stop giggling at this omgosh

“You talk a lot but you haven’t achieved much so far” Master Fu’s really out here to roast Hawkmoth. 

Maymoth are a power couple.

Okay so....I love this? It’s actually really clever if he’s looking for more allies. I like the way he went about it here. Offering her something she desperately wants and can boost her power...and in return she fight by his side. And targeting her once all her hope is down the drain, when her doubts are at their highest...yes, yes, it’s twisted as heck but I like how you can see the thought he put into this. He’s even willing to go so far as to call her “My queen” just to further erase all doubts she might have and cement the idea that if she follows through and does as he asks she can have everything she wants.

ngl this gave me strong Sebastian Michaelis vibes (a demon off the show Black Butler). 

And I like how they were sure to incude the detail of the akuma not only just flying out of the cloak but also lsing the energy it had been infused with.

And Marinette’s emotional breakdown...

Finally, we get to see some of the effect that owning the miraculous and having to constantly hold back her negative emotions has had. It can’t be easy, having to constantly lie to people you love and trust, not being able to show them a side of yourself that really is a part of who you are. Never being allowed to feel overwhelmingly sad, or mad, for fear of destroying your home and family with no one to stop it. And on top of it, feeling as if you have to give up on the person you love because, they love someone else, and someone else loves them more than they love you. Feeling as if Adrien can’t be trusted for fear of spreading her deepest secret, as if Kagami doesn’t care about her as much as she may have hoped, and she ends up rambling about something tht Luka can’t begin to understand unless he knows her secret. 

And Luka, “You can tell me everything, or nothing if you prefer” that is so important, Luka has officially gained my utmost respect. His personality, values and mindset are starting to really come out and I respect it. He knows that sometimes people just can’t talk about something right then and there, that sometimes they’re just not ready, and that it’s okay. I like how they used that to showcase part of Luka and it’s really important for kids to learn that too. 

[adramaticbeauty]

Gruvia Band AU

Part 2💕

Warning: This may be a bit mature for some readers so...I dont want nobody blaming me for ruining their innocence. Thank you.

Gray felt a bit...how should he put it? Pissed. Maybe because the girl he saw on that stage had just basically called his music trash.Or maybe because she was sitting there with her  doe blue eyes and curly sexy ocean blue hair cascading down her shoulders . Gray couldn't tell. 

Gray scoffed at Juvia's comment. "What do you mean your "not a big fan of our music"? You do know we are number one on the music charts of Fiore right?" Gray smirked. 

Juvia tilted her head to the side, making her curls create a curtain around her shoulder. "And? Juvia much prefers the band 'Raijinshuu' anyway." She shrugged. 

Then she gave him her brightest smile. "But Juvia is sure that you and the rest of Gajeel-kun's bandmates are wonderful people!  Oh! Excuse Juvia's horrible manners. Juvia's name is Juvia. Nice to meet you, Gray~sama!" She held out her hand for a handshake. 

What was wrong with this girl?! She just insulted him AND his musical abilities and played it off like it was nothing! Gray returned the handshake. As he grabbed her pale hand he felt a jolt of electricity up his spine and it brought that irresistible urge he had for her back. Gray was still frustrated though.

"Yeah." Gray gritted his teeth."I think I got what your name was the first 50 times you said it."

"Oh, now Juvia remembers where she seen Gray~ sama's name before! In the magazines! On Fiore's Drama weekly." Gray froze.

Juvia glanced around, as if people were listening, and got really close to Gray. Gray unconsciously held his breath as his body went  rigid. She was so close that her breath started to hit the shell of his ear, and he shivered in delight. Juvia stood on the tips of her toes and whispered in Gray's ears, some of her hair touching Gray's shoulder.

" You do know there are a lot of rumors about you sleeping around right, Gray~sama? The papers say you come home with a different woman every night." She soothingly whispered in his ears. 

Gray's eyes went wide. She heard about his reputation?!

"Those are all lies you know. The paparazzi likes to make things up you know." Gray played it off with a smirk on his face.

"Right, Gray~sama. Juvia believes you!" She said in an annoyingly cheerful tone as she smiled with half lidded eyes. 

Something about the way she spoke made her even more irresistible, but irritated him at the same time.

"Anyway, Juvia wants to talk to Gajeel-kun now. Talk to you later, Gray~sama!" She started to skip over to Gajeel. 

Gray watched her walk and admired the view. He would get this girl no problem. Gray Fullbuster never missed his target. After all, he was the infamous playboy for a reason. It was bound to happen sooner or later. Whether he tossed her to the side or not later was up to him. But his heart for some reason connected to this strange girl and he didn't know why. He wasn't looking for commitment or anything.

 "Gajeel-kun! Juvia missed you so much!" She nuzzled her head in his torso and sighed.

Juvia had missed her best friend and past bandmate. Once Gajeel had walked away from the band, so did Juvia. He was the only reason why she had stayed in that horrid band in the first place. "What the hell-get off me rain woman!" He yelled trying to take her iron grip  from around his waist.

 Gray couldn't help but hang his mouth open. She was totally different with him then she was with Gajeel! What the hell?! He knew they were close but not for her to have a whole personality change.

" Juvia you know Mr. Gajeel?" Levy asked timidly.

Juvia nodded anxiously. "Mhmmm! We used to be in a band together."

"WHAT?! How come we never heard about this before?! We could have been met the band!" Lucy pouted. 

Juvia shrugged as she finally let go of Gajeel." Gajeel-kun is always busy and has no time for Juvia anymore." She shot Gajeel a dirty look and he moaned in irritation. 

"You know we are busy most of the time, just as you are with your band!"Gajeel snapped.

"Is that why you don't have a girlfriend Gajeel-kun?" Juvia snickered.

" Shut up, woman! Not like you have a boyfriend either!" Gajeel countered.

Seriously why was everyone on him about a girlfriend?!

" J-juvia doesn't have a boyfriend because she doesn't want one!" Juvia yelled, her cheeks burning from embarrassment.

"Besides...it's not like Juvia has had the best relationships…" Juvia trailed off.

Gajeel sighed."Sorry." He mumbled looking away."I went too far, didn't I?"

"No! Juvia is fine! The past is the past now!" Juvia waved his concerns off. 

Lucy and Levy could feel the tension but didn't know what was going on, so just stayed quiet.

"Hey, Luce! What's your phone number? We can hang out sometime!" Nastu grinned, oblivious to the atmosphere.

"Luce? Don't you think it's too early for nicknames?" Lucy asked, hands on her hips.

" Not if you have as good of a chemistry as us!" Nastu grinned cheekily. 

Lucy sighed, but ended up exchanging contacts anyway. When Gray overheard Natsu, that's when he got the genius idea to ask Juvia for her phone number.

"Hey Juvia, what's your phone number?" Gray asked walking towards Gajeel and Juvia.

"Oh Juvia can write it down for you! One second!" She grabbed a small slip of paper and scribbled it down.

As she handed it to Gray, Gajeel caught a glimpse of the paper and couldn't hold back a snicker.

"What's so funny Gajeel?" Gray asked, annoyed. 

"Nothing. Anyway we should probably get going. We have practice don't we?"

"Oh yeah. I forgot. Well I guess we should." Gray sighed as he stuck the piece of paper in his pocket.

As the girls bid the boys goodbye, Gray felt accomplishment in his actions tonight. Even if Juvia threw him off for a little bit at first, she was still a naive woman in the end. 

As Jellal and Nastu went home after their band practice, there was only Gajeel and Gray left in the band room. As Gray leaned against the wall, he pulled out his phone and glanced at the number on the paper. Gray smirked and typed in the number and waited. It rung. And rung.

It finally picked up and a high pitched voice came from the other side. 

"Hello?"

Gray could tell it was a woman on the other end.

And it definitely wasn't Juvia's voice.

"Uhhh hey, is this the phone number of a girl named Juvia?"

Gray was so confused. Maybe it was Juvia's manager or something. Until he heard Gajeel burst out laughing.

Gray frowned. Something was wrong.

"No...but it is the business number for my….. sexual services. Would you like to make an appointment? It's very cheap and I can come over right away."The woman on the other line purred. 

Gray's whole face went pale as he stumbled with his phone in his hands.

"I-I'm SORRY WRONG NUMBER!" He yelled into the phone as he quickly pressed the hangup button.

By now Gajeel was dying with laughter. He was on banging his fists on a table as his laughter filled the air.

"Why the fuck are you laughing, Gajeel!!? Shut the hell up! It was your friend that gave me a fucking prostitute's number!!" Gray yelled in anger.

"You really thought she would give a playboy like you her number!!? Giheee, your just as stupid as you look, man!!"

"I'm fucking leaving!" Gray yelled as Gajeel continued to laugh.

Gray grabbed his stuff and stormed home.There was no way that girl was going to make a fool out of him like that. He was going to get her no matter the cost.

-End-

I think I decided to seperate this story into parts. I literally don't even know how long this story is gonna last😂 Thanks for reading💕

[xmarveled]

I Missed You Too

Sequel to I Love You Too

Pairing: Thor! x Reader

Summary: 5 years ago, Thor had realized that he loved you, but you were gone before he could tell you. Now, Thor doesn’t think he is worthy of you. But you show him that he is and forever will be, your Thor.

Warning: Angst, Mention of Suicide, Insecure Thor, a tiny pinch of Dark!Thor. 

A/N: This is the sequel to I Love You Too, but it can also be read as a stand-alone. If you want to request an Avenger x Reader, send me an ask or PM me! ^^

It’s been five years. Five years since that horrible day in the bloody clearing into the forests of Wakanda. Five years since half of the universe just poofed. Five years since Thor lost the love of his life.

The first year, Thor traveled through the galaxy, searching for something, anything that could reverse the snap. He refused to accept that you were gone, than you were gone because of him.

The second year, Thor went on a rampage, killing Thanos’ minions one by one. At night, he’d lie in the dark, the blood he hadn’t bothered to wash off still on his hands, and he thought of you.

The third year, Thor drowned himself in alcohol, drinking until he forgot the pain. But even in the darkest moments of the blackouts, he didn’t forget you.

The forth year, Thor returned to New Asgard, not to be king, but to hide what he had become from the rest of the world. He could barely look at the people who were supposed to be his people. They were here because of his failure. The whole world was.

The fifth year, the God of Thunder had become unrecognizable. His exterior had changed, but it was what was in his heart that concerned his friends. Thor had become a ghost, a shell of the person he was before. He had lost the most important thing in the world to him. You.

And so when Bruce came to him with the almost laughable idea of time traveling, the only reason Thor agreed was because of you. Because he’d give anything, just to see your smile again.

For Thor, the pain of the last five years was more than he had experienced during his entire immortal existence. So much that he had even considered just ending it. Ending him. Because who was he without you? The only thing that had held him back was the sound of your gentle voice, telling him that you will come back for him.

Five years. Five years without you.

For you, the five years felt more like five minutes and as you and the others awoke in that same clearing in Wakanda, you had no idea of the pain that Thor had gone through.

All of you fought as you never had before. Fighting as a team, as the family you were.

Every single Avenger on that battlefield fought for someone they loved. Tony fought for Pepper and Morgan and Peter. The family that he had never dreamed he would have. Steve fought for Bucky and Sam and for his past that could one day be his future. And Thor... Thor fought for you.

All of a sudden, the same feeling of complete and utter silence that had rippled through the world five years ago was felt again. Thor looked around and paused when ash scattered to reveal a familiar figure.

As Stormbreaker dropped from his shaking hands, Thor managed to breath out a single word. Your name. And even though you were too far away to hear him, you still turned, as if there was a string attaching the two of you together.

And when you lifted your eyes to meet his, the world stopped. Everything around you, the sound of the soldiers cheering in victory, the joyous cries of families and friends reuiniting, just stopped.

There was only you and him and nothing else in the world.

Pure joy filled your hearts and you took a step forwards, wanting to be closer to him.

However, that step was like a bucket of ice water for Thor. Suddenly, every horrible and shameful thing he did during the last 5 years came flooding back to him. Every soldier he killed in your name, every girl he had fucked while pretending it was you, every shattered beer bottle on the floor of his little hut in New Asgard, the broken glass mirroring his own heart.

Thor clutched at his protruding stomach, mistaking the look in your widened eyes for one of disgust. His cheeks burned with shame and he averted his eyes, unable to watch if you turned away. So he turned away first, walking, almost running away, stumbling on the pieces of rubble and glass littered on the ground.

Walking away from the love of his life. Because he couldn’t bear for you to see what he has become.

The joy in your heart turned into confusion as you watched him run away. Run away from you.

“Thor!” You called out, tripping over your exhausted feet as you tried to run after him. “Thor!”

He paused, and your words died in your throat as he turned around. Tears were cascading down his cheeks, dripping into his braided beard and he tried to roughly wipe them away. But he still wouldn’t look at you.

“Thor, what-”

Before you could ask, Thor gripped Stormbreaker tightly to his chest, and you watched as he mouthed “I’m sorry.”

And than he was gone, leaving you alone in a field of shattered glass.

For the ensuing weeks, Thor avoided you like plague, hidden away in his little hut at the edge of the world. When he had to be in the same room with you, he stayed in the furtherest corner, only talking to Bruce and Rocket.

It hurt. It hurt so bad. To have the one person who you love the most refuse to even acknowledge your existence. To refuse to even look at you. And everytime he moved away, everytime he flinched as you tried to address him, your heart broke a little more.

Unbeknownst to you, every time you looked away, the only thing Thor looked at was you. The pain and sadness he saw in your eyes, in the way you were hunched over on the tables tore down what your return had fixed in his broken heart. It killed him, that he couldn’t touch you, couldn’t kiss you, couldn’t love you like he wanted so badly to. But he couldn’t bring himself to talk to you, in fear of your rejection, so he watched you from the shadows. Still, it didn’t hurt any less.

Your meeting had finished late, and you had missed the last bus back home. Rejecting Happy’s offer to drive you back, you decided to walk, wanting to enjoy a brief moment of peace and quiet that you haven’t had in months. Halfway back, you felt something wet drip onto your messy, unbrushed hair. You looked up as a flash of electricity lit up the sky, swearing under your breath as you made for the ramshackle little bus stop at the end of the street,

Just as you slid in, the heavens opened and the rain came pouring down. Sitting down on the bench who looked as if it could barely could itself up, you looked up through the glass roof at the sky. There was something beautiful about the way lightning lits up the clouds. There was something beautiful in the way the raindrops glistened as they fell. Their beauty reminded you of a certain God.

You were in the middle of the city, surrounded by people, but yet you had never felt so alone. The man who was like your father and your best friend was gone, and the one person who you had left... you had lost him too. Drops of water that wasn’t rain dripped down your cheeks as you finally let everything go.

The rain was coming down even harder than before and you shivered as thunder boomed, hugging yourself to try to stay warm. Your teeth started clattering and your fingertips started shaking as you felt yourself slowly turn to ice. It was so so cold.

All of a sudden, you felt warmth enveloping you. You looked up and you were greeted with the same blue eyes you had fallen in love with on another rainy April day. Except this time, they were filled with five years worth of unshed tears.

Thor wrapped his still-warm jacket around you and wordlessly, reached up to brush away a stray tear on your cheek.

“You shouldn’t be out here Y/N.” He said, trying to ignore how good it felt to be this close to you, to touch you. “It’s not safe, and-”

“Why?”

Thor paused. “Why what?”

“Why won’t you let me in anymore?”

Thor shut his eyes, not wanting you too see the flood of emotion going through him.

“Y/N-”

“That day-” Your voice trembled, but you had to get the words out. You had to know. “That day in the clearing, five years ago, when I- when I went away, you told me you love me. Why dont you love me anymore?”

“I still love you.” Thor said, voice echoing through the small box. “Gods- I love you so much, you have no idea-”

“Than why?” You said, almost shouting as you stood up. “Why do you leave the room everytime I come in? Why do you flinch everytime I try to talk to you? Why won’t you even look at me?”

“Because I’m afraid.” Yelled Thor.

“Of what?” You whispered.

“Of you seeing what I have become.” Said Thor. “Of you turning away from me.”

“Thor... Why would I turn away?” You asked.

“Why wouldn’t you turn away?” Thor laughed bitterly. “Have you seen what I’ve become? I’m not worthy for the name Odinson, and I’m definitely not worthy for you.”

To his surprise, instead of flinching away, you move forward. Placing one hand on his cheek and the other on his stomach, you tilted his face, forcing him to look at you.

“Why aren’t you worthy for me?” You demanded. “Because of you’re a little bigger than the Thor I remember? Because you smell of beer and day old pizza instead of sweat and metal?

Thor averted his eyes as shame filled him again. He didn’t want to see the disgust that was surely in your eyes.

“Because I don’t care.”

Thor’s head snapped up and he looked at you with something like hope beginning to shine in his eyes.

“I don’t care whether you’re fat or thin. Whether you’re strong or weak. Because you’re my Thor, for rich or for poor, in sickness and in health, you will always be my shoulder to cry on. My rock in the storm. My best friend. My Thor.” You say, fire in your eyes as you looked at the man whose heart you held in your scarred hands.

Thor didn’t know what to say, so he kissed you.

And it was everything you had dreamed it would be.

And later, when you were both snuggled together on your coach, in front of a roaring fire, you asked.

“Hey Thor?”

“Yes my love?” He asked, gazing down on you with adoration written across his face.

“I love you too.”

Okay, that didn’t really end up the way i wanted it to. Not the best since it was really rushed. Hope you guys still liked.💜

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[dovahgarbage]

Thots on Far Cry New Dawn

ok so. imma put some of this under the cut because i dont want to spoil it for you’s who are still playing through it. but uhhhh gotta say. i was a bit underwhelmed by it over all.

ok so firstly i try not to judge a series of games based on previous installments because it doesnt feel fair to compare apples and oranges. but... this game was so obsessed with what happened in fc5 that it only feels fair that i’m allowed to look back as well.

So first and foremost, the game has a large emotional disconnect between Cap and citizens of hope county. All we really know about cap is that they are working for Thomas Rush to rebuild settlements across America.  So they aren’t even from hope county and they have no context for anything that waits for them there. I was excited to see an outside perspective on the events of fc5, hear stories about the deputy that brought on the end of the world. I learned v quickly that this was a fool’s dream. See the problem with relaying the events of fc5 to a character like cap is they have next to no reason to be invested in the past of this area except “hey there’s fresh water here” or “hey this is a defensible position right”. Any emotional weight is shrugged off by Cap having no context of the history of these people or their struggles with each other. WE as players know everything. We’ve seen the horrors of Eden’s gate, we’ve seen the destruction the Seeds brought to hope county. We know what the fuck is going on. But cap has NO idea. And honestly isn’t really given a reason to try and find out more about it. Everything cap is doing is in an effort to bring down the highway men and build up settlements. (well. Settlement. All we have are outposts) why the hell would they care about who was who. What the fuck is a boomer. Who is this deputy everyone vaguely mentions and why do I give a shit?

And this gets to be a more noticeable problem as we interact with Joseph Seed. Big Daddy Greasy Jesus himself. I hate joseph as a person, love him as a villain. But… seeing him in this game, being forced to work with him as a player (KNOWING what he’s done and the countless lives he’s ruined) and the whole while the only person cap sees is some yoda motherfucker with meth apples that help you hulk out like… once.

That moment when joseph asks you to kill him? It made No Sense as to why cap would shoot him?? In their eyes, joseph has done nothing wrong. Ok maybe he wasn’t an A+ parent but nothing worth killing him over. This moment that is supposed to hold so much weight and meant to be a sort of catharsis for us as players and it just feels… hollow.

Lets discuss the Deputy. Because I have. Many feelings.

I honestly don’t understand why they weren’t the player character again. The narrative wouldn’t have had this huge emotional canyon to be filled between the county and cap. Coming across old guns for hire and friends would actually have… meant something. Revisiting old locations only to see them crumbled and over grown. Any interaction between them and joseph seed would have been charged with tension and held more water. Not to mention it would have made that decision in killing him potentially rewarding and not just “ehh I guess, you dick.”

Instead, the Judge is just kinda… there. In fact everyone is just kinda… there. But I got a laundry list of how Ubisoft did our baby Rook dirty.

[if !supportLists]1.     [endif]Your efforts in the first game feel invalidated. Not just because you “lost” but because of how brushed under the rug the Deputy is. Only a few companions from the first game even Address the Judge. And even then, its no where near the emotional closure we would have liked.

[if !supportLists]2.     [endif]Sharky doesn’t even speak to the judge. Nor does Grace. Nick has one throw away line. 0/10

[if !supportLists]3.     [endif]Only Jerome and Carmina come close to giving any validation as far as showing a connection to Judge. Even then Jerome was more on the side of “I’m disappointed in you for having changed into this.” Hurk just makes jokes. Albeit funny jokes but still.

[if !supportLists]4.     [endif]Also wasn’t the identity of the judge supposed to be a secret? Why the hell does everyone else know and new eden doesn’t?

[if !supportLists]5.     [endif]The judge has NO reaction to either ending. None. Joseph lives or dies, it is the same. Silence.

[if !supportLists]6.     [endif]Also why the hell does Cap get to kill him when the Deputy has suffered infinitely more at the hands of that lunatic? How am I supposed to feel like this is a rewarding decision to make?

I don’t know about anyone else, but I was very attached to my deputy. She wasn’t just a shell I inhabited as I played fc5. I wanted to know what happened to her after she escaped the bunker with joseph and I wanted her to find peace and closure after all she had sacrificed and suffered. The Junior Deputy deserved better!

Ok, so I’m moving on to the Twins. Honestly, they should have had their own game. Their potential as well rounded and fun far cry villains is wasted here.

The actresses did a wonderful job in making them charismatic and I loved the way their actions synced up and how one would finish the sentence of the other. It was very unified and the connection between them was very clear.  

But I couldn’t connect with them as far as feeling threatened on screen. You could say it’s because we inherently don’t find women as scary as men in media and that’s entirely possible but narratively speaking, the Twins aren’t as threatening to me as villains because they lack something very vital – direction and purpose.

Mind you, all the far cry villains are so over the top and their motives don’t always make sense but I cannot wrap my head around the Twins motives? They’re here to have a good time and I guess they like to party but?? Why the hell would they want hurk’s baby, yknow? Why do they talk about problem solvers and problem makers when objectively, they HAVE to know they create more problems than they solve.

They TRY to give Mickey some depth with their mother and her making mickey promise to be better. But like… there’s not a lot of indication of growth or change or even regret in the end. After Lou’s death is only when mickey acknowledges that they only tore things down and never bothered making the world better but… lol where the hell did that conclusion come from? Why now? Why are you bringing this up now? (again cap has no context as to the significance of Mickey’s promise to her mother about protecting lou or trying to be better) At least with the Seeds they had a very clear purpose (prepare for the end of the world and horde as much shit as possible). Pagan Min had a purpose (crush the resistance that threatened his rule). Even Vaas as crazy and chaotic as he was still had a purpose in furthering Hoyt’s empire of drugs and slavery.

Also, the Twins are sort of in the backseat because of Joseph’s presence. It’s like ubisoft didn’t trust them to carry the series forward and instead chose to try and get a previous villain to anchor on. It diminishes their presence and importance and really just adds to the jumbled mess that is this game.

I personally blame rushed writing. Far Cry has a problem with putting out games fast and half baked. Far cry primal received a lot of flack for being a reused map of fc4. And I think given enough time and drafts this game could have been something better. Not perfect by any means. But definitely its own game.

All in all, I probably wont play it again. It doesn’t appeal to me anymore and has too many shortcomings for me to actually enjoy it. Day two of me playing it felt like just a confused slogging mess and I just zoomed through so I wouldn’t see spoilers on tumblr.

[wistfulcynic]

Another Brick In The Wall: Chapter 8

a/n: Effusive thanks to @hollyethecurious for the artwork! I love it so much! Thanks also to everyone for reading, commenting, kudos-ing, and reblogging! I'm so pleased by the way people have been engaging with this story. Love you all xxx

Summary: Emma Swan, sheriff’s daughter, mayor’s niece, quarterback’s girlfriend, is the undisputed princess of Storybrooke High. She is smart and confident and used to getting what she wants. What she wants is Killian Jones, the new boy in school. But Killian is not easily manipulated, and reluctant to allow the dark secrets in his past to touch the girl he is rapidly falling in love with.

Rating: T

Read it on AO3: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8

Tags for: @darkcolinodonorgasm @jennjenn615 and @resident-of-storybrooke

Chapter 8: 

Killian was out of school for a week, for a “mental health break” he called it with a chuckle, apparently a term he’d gotten from Dr Hopper. He saw the psychiatrist daily during this break and spent the rest of his time at the harbour with Liam, working on their boat, reading, playing his guitar, and talking with his brother about everything that had happened. 

“We’ve hashed it all out in excruciating detail,” he told Emma as they sat together in the boat’s cabin, she working on her college essays while he practiced a new song. “It’s such a relief to be able to really talk to Liam again. There was a time when we had no secrets between us. He showed me all the information he had collected on Milah and her situation. Apparently her divorce is almost finalised and next month she’s starting a job teaching English in Japan.” He smiled. “She’ll like that, a chance to travel. What she always wanted.” 

“Hmmmph,” said Emma, glaring at the screen of her laptop as she typed rapidly. 

“Swan,” he admonished, giving her a mock scowl as he strummed a chord at her. 

Emma slammed her hands down on the keyboard. “Killian, I just don’t know how you can be so forgiving after what she did to you.” 

He set the guitar aside and his expression became serious. “I have to be, don’t you see?” he asked, looking at her intently. “I can’t hold on to my anger or it will eat me alive. I didn’t even realise how angry I was until Dr Hopper helped me see it, and how by not acknowledging it, allowing myself to feel it, and then letting it go, I was only hurting myself. Besides, I did genuinely care about Milah, and I’m glad she’s finally in a place where she can be happy.” 

“Hmmmmph.” Emma concentrated on deleting the gibberish she’d produced by her attack on the keyboard.

“A place that doesn’t include me,” said Killian brightly, picking up the guitar again and plucking out a cheery tune. “That’s good, isn’t it Swan?”

“I suppose so,” she grumbled. “Though I’d still prefer if the place was dark and scary and full of nettles.” He laughed heartily at that and she couldn’t hold back an answering smile. “Hey, I’m nearly done with this, will you read it over and make sure it’s okay? Just check my grammar and punctuation and stuff.”

“Of course, love, though I’m sure it’s already brilliant.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Freed from the weight of his worry and guilt, Killian gradually began to smile more easily, and his witty, teasing nature (“cheeky git,” Liam called him, his voice irritated but with a relief so profound it bordered on joy in his eyes) came more readily to the fore. When he returned to school the following Monday, he moved through the halls with a swagger that Emma had never seen on him before. Unlike the arrogant, bullying one that Neal always had Killian’s evoked a simple self-assurance that she had to concede looked really good on him. Despite how much emotional baggage he still had to work through he clearly wasn’t burdened by shame anymore, and equally clearly did not intend to take any crap from anyone. 

This made itself evident that morning when he shut his locker and turned towards his first class, only to find himself confronted by Felix and Rufio. 

“Really, chaps?” he said, raising an eyebrow at them. “You couldn’t even wait until after school so you could chuck me into the bins, like proper high school bullies?”

This mockery went clean over the other boys’ heads, and they continued to block his path, trying to look intimidating while also trying not to be intimidated by Killian’s calm demeanor and his amused expression. 

Felix, the sligtly cleverer of the two, suspected he was being laughed at but couldn’t put his finger on why. He didn’t like it. 

Bristling, he sneered at Killian. “Bet you think you’ve won,” he snarled. “Now that Neal’s in jail and out of the way. Now you can move in on Emma like you did on that—” he broke off as Killian stepped into his space. There wasn’t much difference in height between them, but somehow Felix had the impression of Killian towering over him, his face calm but his eyes darkly furious, and for once in his life he felt a stab of genuine fear. 

“I’m only going to say this once,” growled Killian in the new, lower register his voice had taken on more often of late, “So you’d better listen carefully. Your mate Neal is a criminal, and not even a good one. He’s in jail because he’s stupid, and that’s nothing to do with me. I have no doubt it’s where he’d always have ended up eventually. Bit of advice: If you’re going to steal confidential information, don’t take pictures of the evidence on your phone, and definitely don’t then show those pictures to the sheriff’s daughter. Neal got what he deserved. I now consider this matter closed, and if you or anyone else—” he raised his voice so that the rapidly assmbling crowd of onlookers could all hear, “—tries to take it any further, you will not care for the repercussions.” 

Felix wasn’t sure what “repercussions” were, but the hint of repressed violence in Killian’s manner made him keen not to find out. He had always been content to follow Neal, less out of respect for the other boy than a simple unwillingness to make a thing out of Neal’s belligerent insistence that he should be the one in charge, but he’d always sensed that there wasn’t much substance underneath Neal’s bluster. Killian however didn’t bluster. He simply stated facts, and Felix could tell that he was not the sort of person to make a threat he couldn’t back up with action. Perhaps it was time to step out of Neal’s shadow, thought Felix, and take over leadership of their little gang. He certainly couldn’t do a worse job of it than Neal had, and escalating a pointless conflict with a guy who looked prepared to fight dirty if necessary was much more Neal’s style than Felix’s. He nodded at Killian, and stepped back. Rufio looked surprised but followed his lead. 

Killian nodded back then transferred his glare to the crowd of onlookers, which had grown considerably in the past thirty seconds and now included Emma and Ruby, he could see out of the corner of his eye. “As for what you may have heard about me,” he said, loudly enough for all to hear. “It’s all true.” He smirked for a moment as a gasp went through the crowd, then his expression hardened. “It’s also no one’s business but mine, and those in whom I choose to confide. This is all I have to say on the subject. Now, if you’ll all excuse me I don’t wish to be late for class.” He slung his satchel over his shoulder and headed down the hall, turning his head briefly to shoot Emma a wink. People moved aside to let him pass and as soon as he had turned the corner furious whispering erupted in his wake. 

Ruby pursed her lips. “I may have underestimated him,” she remarked. 

Emma’s heart was pounding, a familiar occurrence where Killian was concerned, but this time it felt different. She’d been worried about how he would react to the ineveitable curiosity and questions from their classmates, but this smooth handling of a potentially explosive situation instead of calming her fears instead filled her with the wild desire to run after him, to fling herself into his arms and kiss them both breathless. 

“He’s just so wonderful,” she sighed, and Ruby laughed. 

“Down, girl,” she teased. “I’ll grant you this one’s worth your time, unlike the douchemaster general, but remember we’re in school. No one wants to see that.” 

Emma rolled her eyes and gave her friend a shove, but the butterflies continued rhumba-ing around her insides, this time accompanied by an odd, hollow sort of ache as she remembered her resolution not to pursue Killian anymore. She was now all but certain that she loved him, that beyond the hot, tingly sensation she always felt in his presence lay a profound devotion. She would do anything for him, sacrifice anything to give him what he needed, and that terrified her. For the first time in her life Emma felt vulnerable, exposed, as though her chest were torn open and her heart lain bare to the mercies of fate and one gorgeous, troubled boy. She hated it. Even knowing that Killian would never intentionally hurt her was no consolation when the truth was that he could hurt her simply by caring deeply for her as a friend. If that was all she could ever have from him she would take it, she knew, without pushing for more, but it would be a wound on her heart that would never heal. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“He’s a bully,” shrugged Killian at lunchtime, when Emma, this time accompanied by a very inquisitive Ruby, found him in the library. “Bullies are just cowards at their core, and cowards are easy to intimidate. He won’t do anything because he won’t want to call my bluff. I might not be able to back it up but he’ll be too scared to risk finding out.” 

“And what would you have done if he had called your bluff?” inquired Ruby. 

Killian shrugged again. “Probably got the shit kicked out of me.” 

“Would you have, though?” Ruby pressed, watching him through narrowed eyes.

He returned her stare with a look of wide-eyed innocence. “There were two of them to only one of me. Seems inevitable.” 

“Does it?” Ruby’s disbelief was almost palpable, and having fenced with Killian for months now Emma shared her friend’s suspicion that he was deliberately underplaying his fighting skills.

“Let’s hope we never have to find out,” said Killian with a small smile, in a tone of voice that made it clear he would answer no more questions on the subject. “I quite like my face arranged the way it is.” 

“It is a nice face,” said Ruby with a wolfish grin that widened as Killian’s ears turned pink. “But I didn’t come here just to flatter you. Victor asked me to ask you if he could have your phone number.”

“My number?” Killian blinked in surprise. 

“Yeah, there’s some concert in Portland and he doesn’t have anyone to go with and he thought you might be interested.” 

“Um, sure, I guess.” Killian rattled off the number and Ruby sent Victor a text. A minute later his phone buzzed and he looked at it, snorting as he read the message. “Bit of a wanker, your boyfriend,” he remarked to Ruby. 

“I don’t know what that is but I’m somehow sure that Victor is one,” smirked Ruby. “Is that gonna be a problem?”

“Not at all, I’m rather fond of wankers,” said Killian absently as he typed his reply. “My brother is one, after all.” His phone buzzed again almost instantly and he raised an eyebrow at what he read on it. 

“Ems, I think maybe we should leave the boys to their chat,” said Ruby, and as much as she hated to sacrifice free time with Killian, from the way he was fixated on his phone, his expression almost gleeful as he typed rapidly, Emma had to admit she was probably right. 

“Okay,” she said. “See you in class in a few minutes, Killian. And maybe hang out after school?”

“Hmmm? Oh, I have an appointment with Dr Hopper at four, but I can text you when I’m done.”

“Okay.” She smiled at him but his attention was back on his phone, so she followed Ruby out of the library trying not to feel too disgruntled. Killian should have other friends, she told herelf firmly, male ones who shared his interests. That was normal, and he could use some normal in his life right now.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Over the next few weeks, things at school settled back into a routine, albeit one that was markedly different than it had been. Neal had been officially arrested after David’s investigation, charged with burglary, theft, and theft of a medical record, and was facing up to five years in prison. His parents had put up their house as collateral to pay his bail, but weren’t allowing him to return to school. 

“Not much point when he’ll just go straight back to the slammer after he’s sentenced,” said Ruby viciously. “So much for that football scholarship he was so cocky about.”

Emma tried to find some compassion for Neal and what was basically the wreck and ruin of his future, but couldn’t dredge up a single particle of it. He had committed several felonies for no other reason than to stick it to Killian for outsmarting him and for becoming her friend, and he’d committed them flagrantly and with no thought to the consequences. He’d probably thought there wouldn’t be any consequences. Killian was right: Neal deserved everything that was coming to him, if only for being so colossally, arrogantly stupid. 

People still whispered about Killian as he walked through the halls but true to character he paid little attention. He did, however, gradually began to open up more and allow more of himself to show through his defences, willingly participating in classes and talking to people other than Emma and Ruby. By the time finals week arrived had actually made a few friends. 

Killian reflected wryly that in a twisted sort of way Neal had done him a favour. With all his secrets now out on the open he was free to embrace the opportunity for a new life he’d found in Storybrooke. Not that there had been anything particularly wrong with the old life, at least since his father had finally left. He’d been a mean old drunk, Brennan Jones, and by the time he’d been forced to flee his creditors for good, stealing a boat from Bristol harbour and melting into the offshore underworld, his sons had been glad to see the back of him. Killian thought about what he himself had been like back then, before Milah, and even though it had only been about a year since he’d first become involved with her so much had changed both in his circumstances and in himself, he feared that hopeful, enthusiastic boy was lost forever. Who exactly had taken his place was the question Killian had asked himself daily for weeks now, and he still wasn’t sure how to answer it. He’d become so used to holding everything in, to keeping such a tight rein on his thoughts and feelings that letting them out, accepting that it was okay to express them had become almost unbelievably difficult. The only person he felt even remotely comfortable being fully himself with aside from Liam was Emma, whose support and friendship remained unwavering as he bumbled and struggled thorough the reclamation of his life, and he remained intensely grateful for it. 

Only one thing about Emma troubled him-- that she no longer seemed to be interested in anything beyond his friendship. All the little hints and cues she had been giving him since they’d met were suddenly gone, and while he was relieved to be free of the added stress of constantly resisting something that part of him desperately wanted, he couldn’t help wondering if there was a darker motivation for this abrupt about-face. Perhaps, whispered an evil little voice in his head, Emma was actually more disgusted by his past than she let on and was simply too kind to tell him directly. Maybe the thought of him touching her turned her stomach now. He certainly couldn’t blame her if it did.   

“What do you want from your relationship with Emma?” asked Dr Hopper one afternoon, after Killian had finally brought himself to mention the change in her behaviour. “Do you want it to be romantic?”

Killian frowned, struggling to sort through the complex tangle of his feelings about and for Emma. “I don’t want a romantic relationship with anyone,” he said finally. “I still feel too messed up for anything like that. But I— I’m still really attracted to her. I think about her all the time, about how we kissed at her party, and I want to kiss her again pretty much constantly, but then I remember Milah and how I thought I felt about her, and I just—” 

“You don’t trust your judgement.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Killian, it’s important for you to remember that you have a much more equal relationship with Emma than you ever did with Milah.”

“Equal, with Emma?” Killian snorted. “You have met her, right?”

Dr Hopper smiled patiently. “I understand that you feel she’s beyond your reach, and that’s a separate issue, but what I mean by equal is that she’s your age and at your stage of life. With Milah you were constantly struggling to relate to her life and her experiences, and when you couldn’t you attempted to make up for that by offering her the affection and sexual attention she craved. You forced yourself to offer these things even though you didn’t genuinely feel them because you feared the consequences of not offering them. But with Emma there is no need to manufacture anything. She is placing no demands on you and therefore any attraction and affection you feel for her is genuine.”

“But what should I do about it?”

“Why should you have to do anything? You said you’re not ready for a romantic relationship, and that’s fine. Let yourself heal. The process is slow and frustrating, but believe me you are making progress. Let your feelings for Emma and your relationship with her develop at a pace that is comfortable for you. From what you’ve said it sounds like she will still be there when, if, you’re ready for more.” 

“It’s more than likely she no longer wants more. And even if she did, what happens when she meets someone who isn’t so hopelessly fucked up? Then where does that leave me?”

“Why don’t you worry about that if —not when— it happens?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the last day before winter break, Emma nervously approached Killian’s locker and handed him an invitation to her parents’ annual Christmas party addressed to him and Liam. 

“It’s just a thing they do every year for their friends and our neighbours,” she began to ramble as he examined the card, certain he would refuse and wanting to delay that painful moment. “My mom loves to entertain, and my dad says it’s good for building a rapport between law enforcement and the community, and—”

“Swan,” interrupted Killian, giving her that soft, indulgent look that said he knew exactly what she was thinking. “I’m sure we’d love to attend. Thank you for inviting us.” 

The butterflies soared in a grand jeté, and she felt like she was flying with them. “Great,” she said trying to keep her voice calm, “I guess I’ll see you then.”

Her delighted smile made his breath catch, and his answering grin set her heart galloping. Their eyes met and held, and as the end of semester chaos whirled around them they stood a breath apart, swathed in frustrated yearning and brittle tension, the only two people in the world.  

Then the final bell rang, and they leapt apart, Emma smoothing her skirt with shaking hands while Killian ran his own trembling fingers through his hair. 

“So, onion rings at Granny’s?” ventured Emma, wanting to kick herself for making him nervous again, after all her resolutions, hoping desperately he wouldn’t pull away. 

Killian sighed in relief, tinged with a hint of disappointment. Granny’s was safe. “Sounds perfect, love,” he said. 

[magmasliveblogs]

1.02

it is the third day of this, and the third chapter of this lets read has arrived! 

to recap, in the previous chapter the first floor of the inn erin found was cleaned by erin and she leveled up and gained skills, which have not been explained yet. 

It was nighttime.

However, despite the late hour one figure moved restlessly around the room. A young woman. Her progress left a trail in the dust as she walked around the room. She paced from wall to wall, muttering to herself. Then she tripped over a chair.

“Ow.”

Erin brushed dust off her pants and t-shirt in disgust. Well, her clothes were officially dirty now. Parts of her t-shirt were burned black, and her jeans had been cut by the Goblin’s knives. But that wasn’t important at the moment.

“Did I just level up?”

yes i think it is pretty safe to say you did level up, also as i have said before, she is in one sorry state 

“Right, right. Let’s recap. I’m in another world which is actually a video game. And there are monsters in this world and I can level up by doing stuff. I even get skills and when I do, a voice in my head—no, more like a thought appears that tells me I’ve accomplished a task.”

She nodded to herself.

“Yep. Makes complete sense.”

…

“Like hell it does!”

Erin screamed and kicked a chair hard enough to send it flying into the air. The chair landed with a tremendous crash which was satisfying to hear. Less satisfying though was Erin’s foot, which had hit the chair hard enough to jam every toe.

yeah i dont think kicking a chair was the best course of action. fun fact though, when Aragon kicks the helmet in the twin towers movie, his scream is because he broke his toe! 

After screaming in pain and hopping around a bit, Erin sat at one of the tables and cried for a while. It wasn’t that she liked crying or did it a lot. It just helped at the moment.

After about ten minutes of crying, Erin finally started sniffing and choking back tears. She felt better, but quickly hit upon another problem when she went to wipe away her tears and snot and remembered there wasn’t any tissue paper nearby. So she used the rag.

The wet, disgusting rag. But it was better than her shirt. And after that, Erin sat, staring at nothing in particular as the darkness surrounded her.

“I’m tired.”

That was the last thing Erin said before she fell asleep.

an exhausting first day in the life of our protag, erin. lets hope tomorrow brings if not joy and happiness, at least a chance to use the bathroom, 

The next day hit Erin in the face. She groaned and sat up, head aching. Her neck felt twisted, and she was sore from lying on the floor. She still would have slept in longer if it weren’t for the sun and her stomach.

Hobbling around, Erin looked at the bright daylight streaming through one window.

“This is why drapes were invented, you know.”

Windows. These ones had no glass or curtains. They were square holes in the wall, but they did have shutters. Too bad Erin had chosen one of the open windows to nap underneath. 

ok yeah her stomach really needs some food 

“I’ll die here if I don’t find something to eat.”

So she opened the door. It wasn’t courage that made her do it; just the will to survive.

The day was so bright that Erin was blinded for a moment. She walked outside, shading her eyes. And then she stopped. Because a thought had struck her suddenly. Something she had realized but not taken to heart before.

“This—really is another world, isn’t it?”

not going to clog my post, but suffice it to say the realization hits her like a truck 

The plains stretched on and on without pause—

Or did they? Erin stopped as she started to pick out small details on the horizon. Far, far in the distance between the mountain range and the rising sun she saw what looked vaguely like buildings. Was there a town out there? Or a village? A…city?

It was impossible to tell from where she was standing, but the sight of that gave Erin hope that she wasn’t alone in this world. However, just the thought of travelling that far on her empty stomach was impossible so she kept looking.

yes lets fix the issues of hunger and bathroom breaks before taking a hike 

“Are those…trees?”

Erin squinted. There was a small collection of trees in the distance, nestled in one of the valleys. They were trees, weren’t they? Erin felt they looked off—until she realized she was looking down at them from her vantage point.

It was surreal to feel herself looking down on a forest, but that was the only answer she could think of. It looked like there was a small – well, relatively speaking – valley to the east filled with trees. It didn’t look too far away, and if Erin looked closely she could see small specks of yellow and blue on the trees. Fruits?

food located! now to get there 

That was the plan. It was the plan right up until Erin found herself walking by a huge rock.

There was nothing too important about the rock, except that it was more like a boulder, a gigantic mound of stone rounded at the top and like a small hill. It was twice as tall as a normal person and just as long across. In short, it was a big rock.

Erin ignored it at first, except to look at it and wonder if climbing on top of it would give her a better view. But she was hungry, so she walked right past the rock. It was that which saved her.

ominous

As she put the large boulder behind her, Erin felt the whoosh of air and a terrifying loud crack right next to her ear. She jumped, turned around and screamed. Just as quickly she ran as the second pincer nearly took her head clean off.

The thing that had been hiding underneath the rock lifted it up off the ground and scurried after Erin as she ran screaming. She spared only one glance over her shoulder, but that was enough. She ran even faster.

Two large, long pincers made out of a dark brown chitin were poking out from beneath the rock as the crab-monster scuttled towards her. It had lifted the gigantic, hollow shell enough so that Erin could see countless crab legs tearing up the earth as it propelled itself along the ground.

Oh, nonononononononono—

lets hope she can get away from this crab without injury 

“What…the holy…crab?”

Erin could only gasp and clutch at her side. She felt like her legs were about to fall off, and her lungs were about to burst. She was also lightheaded, but she really didn’t want to sit down.

Instead she forced herself to keep walking. It hurt. Everything hurt. But she was still alive, crabs or no crabs.

and she does! nothing like a good run in the morning to get one awake 

Erin tried to smile. Her legs ached, but eventually she got her breathing back under control. And even better, she was at her destination.

“Is—is that a tree?”

Erin gaped up at the strange plants before her. They were probably trees. They had bark, leaves, and fruit. But in each aspect they were slightly—off.

The tree in front of her was thin and squat. Well, squat for a tree. It was still about ten feet tall, but its trunk looked far too narrow to support its weight. And not only that, but its leaves were huge.

“It’s like a palm tree, but with branches. And blue fruit.”

fun fact: palm trees irl are technically a type of grass! also lets hope these fruits arent overly deadly 

Erin’s shouts of frustration echoed in the small valley. She tried to grab the branch again, but she couldn’t even pull herself up anymore. She screamed in frustration, grabbed at her dirty hair, and then kicked the tree.

The entire tree shook slightly with the force of Erin’s kick. The leaves trembled, and the blue fruits moved—

And one fell to the ground.

her battle with the tree was fruitless until this moment, where it bore fruit! lets hope its edible 

“Um, shouldn’t there be some kind of announcement?”

No response. Erin kicked the tree again and picked up another fruit.

“[Mysterious Blue Fruit acquired!] Dun dun dun dun!”

…

After a little bit, Erin put her head in her hands to cover her blushing face.

“…I hate this world.”

this isnt your grandpapies text based rpg

Slowly, Erin stood up and brushed the seed vomit off her clothes. That did nothing to get rid of the smell, though. Then she picked up the pieces of the seed’s core and hurled them as hard as she could against one of the trees.

“I hate this world!”

sadly it looks like the seed core isnt edible 

After a while her stomach began to growl again as the smell from the seed pod dissipated in the morning air. Hesitantly, Erin grabbed the second blue fruit and brought it to her lips. This time she bit into the outer skin and chewed. The texture was unpleasantly rubbery and tough to chew, but thankfully it was edible. And what was more—

“Wow. This tastes really good!”

That was the remark Erin made after she’d consumed eight more of the blue fruits, all in rapid succession. The seed pods she left untouched on the ground, but she happily devoured the outer rinds, stripping an entire tree clean before she was finally full.

but it looks like the rest is! i bet the core is dangerous to consume though 

Groaning with satisfaction she sat back against the tree. She felt good. Sticky, smelly, true, but good. The day was fair and warm, and with her stomach full and the soft grass beneath her there was only one thought on her mind.

Bathroom.

and the initial issue is brought back! no one around so this should be easy 

A few seconds later Erin felt refreshed and happy. Her stomach was full, other parts were empty and best yet she was alive.

“Now, how am I going to get back past that crab rock-monster?”

Erin’s stomach twisted unpleasantly at the thought and her heart began to pound in her chest. But an idea struck her as she looked at the countless seed pods on the ground.

i see erin had similar thoughts as i did,

Erin caught the rock-crab crawling towards her stealthily. In just a few seconds it had covered nearly twenty feet. She stared in horror as it reared upwards.

Clickclickclickclickclickclickclick—

The rock-crab began its high-speed shuffle towards her. Two enormous claws and a pair of dark antennas—or were they eyes? – curled up from underneath the rock.

Erin stepped back, half-turned to run, and remembered what was in her other hand. She took swift aim and threw the seed pod she had been holding.

and the dice shall roll, will this half bakes plan work?! 

Bullseye. The seed core smacked the rock-crab right in the antennae and burst into a shower of pulpy liquid. Even at this range Erin could smell the toxic odors on the breeze.

If she was honest, Erin didn’t know what she expected. Pain, or shock from the rock-crab maybe. She’d nailed it pretty good on the antennae and she was sure that hard to hurt. But still, it wasn’t as if the seed cores were that heavy. She expected the crab to recoil, and maybe get scared off by the scent at best.

What she didn’t expect was for the crab to freak out and start smashing itself with one of its claws. It was panicking, frantically scraping away at the spot she’d struck it with the seed core, ignoring the damage it was doing to its own antennae. At the same time the rock-crab was making distressed sounds.

It sounded like the loudest cricket in the world, only a lot deeper and echoing out from beneath the rocky shell the crab was wearing. That was enough to make Erin back up until she was back among the trees and the crab was barely visible.

Even after she’d gone a ways she could still see the crab doing an unhappy dance as it tried to scrape off the seed pod fragments.

“Huh.”

Erin scratched her head.

“Well, it’s good to know they hate fruit.”

and we have found that this bug rock type is weak to grass! or poison... 

“Gobliiiiiiiiins!”

The green skinned monsters stopped and stared as the young woman screamed and took off running at top speed. But they followed her doggedly despite the insane speed at which she sprinted. These Goblins had learned to hunt other species, and knew that Humans panicked easily and grew tired. They’d catch her as soon as she slowed down.

…Assuming she ever slowed down.

adrenaline is a powerful thing 

It was evening. The sun cast long shadows across the plains. All was silent. Aside from the screaming rock-crab smashing itself in the head and the screaming human, there was no sound in the world.

All was calm.

A single figure sprinted across the grasslands. She was running as fast as she could. Behind her a group of squat creatures followed. It was nearly dinnertime.

Erin Solstice, age 20. A young girl—woman from Michigan with a casual interest in video games and a deep obsession with strategy games. Her hobbies include snowboarding, watching Youtube videos, playing chess, shogi, go, etc. She dreams of one day becoming a professional strategy game commentator.

Currently—

Running for her life.

and we have backstory! a random midwestern girl get transported to an unknown world. at least it wasnt involved with any tornadoes! plus that strategy game stuff might come into play eventually. also hey, commentator, similar to what im doing right now! 

will our protag get back to the inn? will we find out if that truly was a city she found? will erin ever truly find a way to deal with this goblin problem? these are questions that will be answered eventually 

see ya’ll tomorrow, hopefully. i dont post assume i have been captured by rock crabs and forced to cook goblins for them 

[lim-lifeinmotion]

A story about a boy just a little bit broken

I would like to tell you a story About a boy that is broken Not by much Only just a little bit if at all You see this boy was a happy child He did normal happy child things He’d play and sing and dance Even if not very good but oh how this boy liked to play In the mud, mud pies, mud soup He liked the mud he did Stuck in the mud, mud scrub, mud bath mud, mud, mud, mud, mud He was an odd little child, Liked playing with barbie dolls, ken dolls He had no preference really And eating snails He enjoyed spending time with his friends Although mum made this difficult sometimes You see mum didnt always agree with the other mums Im sorry you cannot see them anymore But that is okay because he had plenty of other friends to play with But none were like them He felt sad and lonely Where are all my friends? This boy also loved to fish! What a thing it was Spending time with dad who he never really saw One weekend away this little boy had a new friend Of who’m he’d like to play! A new friend he thought  “I’m so happy” Mummy and daddy should we play? Allright said the little boy He knew nothing better Down his pants went I dont understand why? Touches his pee pee Nobody can touch that? But a new friend is a new friend “This is our little secret”? Okay So everynow and then They’d play mummy and daddy She was a lot older  He was only 3 he didn’t know any better He did not want her to touch his pee pee Or lick his private parts But a new friend is a new friend Will everyone be angry? So as the years went by mummy and daddy wouldn’t stop fighting To count the days when they were happy? He was young but even he could count as high as 10? It’s all your fault we fight they said Time and time again If it weren’t for you kinds we wouldn’t have these problems “I don’t want to be the problem”? How do I not be the problem? Be a better boy, listen a little more, Maybe if i stay home I can show mummy I‘m a good boy I dont want you to go away This little boy found a new friend!  Hip hip horaay He was so happy and excited A reason to wake up every day But this boy could never stay over Not for a whole night What if mummy was gone when I get home? Please take me home, I want to go home now. Once more mummy disagrees with the other mummy, I am sorry you cannot see them any more I’m sorry I’m not supposed to talk to you I have to listen to what mummy says Now they wont stop fighting, And we’re moving in with my aunty I liked her dog and her pool and her piano A few years we were happy, no more yelling at last But as this boy got older He saw his sister being yelled at Please stop fighting I don’t like to see you all cry When she was 15 she had had enough He didn’t want her to go but knew mummy would be happier if she did So she did We were happy again Daddy came home but the fighting continued Only with my other sister now It wasn’t long before she moved out  A few years into highschool You see everyone in this family Was in the top of their clases They were not dumb or stupid They weere in fact extremely smart Nerissa was good at english,

 drawing, she was also a very nice singer Tyla was good at netball and maths, she was so popular and so was nissy Ryan was good at maths and art and really enjoyed running and sports, He wasn’t the storngest but he could run and never look back But now everyone had moved out And I was again all alone The boy had no friends Although everypne knew who he was At school he’d walk and chat Bounce between groups making them smile and laugh You’re so funny ryan So many friends now! But on the weekends it was playstation and games Nobody wanted to hang out with him  Out of uniform he really didnt belong And the yelling started again His entire life he did not think it would ever be him? But im such a good boy mummy I try my best every day Until one day It was time to leave You see out of nowhere he met a boy A boy he fell in love with Someone that liked him, thought was funny and kind It’s all he’d ever wanted The boys became close They shared their first kiss Their first everything What a time to be young, to be alive He would get bullied  By the younger students Because the older ones knew his sisters Everybody loved them But they no longer went to school They both left way too young They were so smart and so popular I dont understand why? But this boy didn’t care The silly words people would say He was happy and in love He finally had a friend He started living with this boy, His family were like his own No fighting no yelling A safe and peaceful home for two years they lived together until they grew apart When you’re young you are curious There is so much to live for to see and to do He began to see the darkness again His home was gone again He had no friends The words now had power He tried but he let them in Fag they would say Push and shove him they would do In class he cried At home he died He began to wonder about death How beautiful it would be So he took the knife and made his first cut An addicion he would soon regret At first they were small On the wrist because thats were people did it right? But too many eyes saw  You cannot wear an armband all year So he took the knife and took to his thigh So much more flesh to cut I can go deeper and harder now than before This boy truly wanted to die Bloody sheets  Vodka bottles He stopped going to classes But did all his work He didnt want to be a drop out But he didnt want to go to school So in a bottle of chi he’d mix A bottle before, during and after school Nobody suspected a thing, He never wore uniform anyways He was never rude or inpolite The opposite in fact He had to be a good boy He had a job which he quit Becausee he drank and cut and cried Nothing could stop it A part of him had died So he decided he needed money Skipped a few weeks rent Was told they needed to talk So up he went and left He didnt mean to hurt them He didnt want to be a burden They found the bottles and the bloodied mess He didn’t want to make them angry So back he went “home” To the yelling and screaming The rules oh the rules Do not exist From here things fall apart and there is no more rhymes That little happy child, he was dead now, he died a long time ago and all that was left was darkness, sadness, an anti depressant shell He spent his days drinking and taking drugs and cutting himself. Nothing made sense, the only clear thing in his existance was the fact that he no longer wanted to be in this world and he made it clear that he was just waiting to die. I missed a lot out of this story, a lot of good things happened, he was so loved but honestly those memories are all but faded and bleak lost somewhere in the dpeth of the lonliness he had felt his entire lfe, the sadness, the emptiness that filled him. He was annorexic and coudln’t eat, he saw his weight go from 64 down to 48 where it would stay for some time. He met a lot of amazing guys but none felt right, none gave him that feeling that young cute boy did and no matter how hard he tried all he ended up leaving was a wake of destruction and hurt wherever he went. I could count 10 different people he ended up destroying, 2 earned the label. He never intended to hurt them, he really tried, he just wanted to feel loved, to feel something, anything at all. But never could. He sold his body for sex at the age of 17, he needed money to continue drinking and living because partying to forget was all he knew. What a messed up life this poor child had, no wonder he’s a god damn mess until the other day he knew anything bad that could have happened had happened to him, the other day when he remembered he was molested. He’s been raped by his best friend, molested when he was a child, sold for sex, beaten, thrown to the ground, abandoned on the side of the road by his parents. literally kicked out of the car at 3 or 4 years old and I just remember him standing behind the car screaming and crying, begging to let him back in. He been cheated on, drugged, ruphied, overdosed and died. He’s tried to kill himself on more occasions than I can count of both hands and both feet. He’s put himself in hospital but never once has he intentionally tried to hurt someone, Never has he ever laid another finger on another human being that he hasn’t blacked out and done in a fit of rage, childhood trauma is funny like that. I am not a bad person and I know this to be true but I feel like there is little more that life could throw at me, little more that I can have done to me because I have seen it all, been through it all and I am so angry at the world for this. For so long I see eyes that reflect the soul, I know how to play this game, I managed to trick myself into believing I was happy in order to stop myself from killing myself, you can sure as hell bet I will trick you too. When you look into my eyes and you see that pure innocent smile, that cheeky grin, the light sparking as it fills you with that infections glow. Sure some of the time it is genuine but for the most part I am just so sad and there is no way I want to put that onto anybody else, ssssssssso I will fool you into believing I am happy and so damn peaceful but my actions reflect someone so broken, so detroyed, someone that has next to no love or respect for themselves because how can I? After everything? Im working so fucking hard to make this work, to re learn the things I had stripped away from me, pice by piece, like tiny cracks forming on the glass I was constantly trying to fix and mend but like so many cracks I couldn’t keep up with the speed at which they were forming and shaterring. I became so very good at fixing them but now I am left with a broken soul, A shattered mind, a scarred body, left trying to yet again mend the pieces but she is so very tired, a life without a brake and I am ready to put the brakes on before I break because breaking is all I know how to do, breaking is what I do best but I just need a brake because it will break me otherwise. I know I am such a powerful person, I am so god damn resiliant yet still so fucking loving regardless of all this shit. I wonder sometimes how the fuck I am still here, kicking, working, moving forward trying to make a better life for myself, because with all this on a page and missing quite a lot, that is too much for one 24 years of “life”, That is too much for anyone to endure. I havent even mentioned my sisters life, how they both tried to kill themselves, “Home” was that bad that they would rather have died than exist. My youngest sisters boyfriend killed himself when she was 16 or so, she wanted to follow, had a note and the noose all ready. How much shit can life throw at somebody before it really is just starting to take the piss, I feel my life is just one big fucking joke because no way can this be real, no way can this be the reason I was put on this earth for. If there was a god why would he look at a 3 year old and smile telling him he was going to be sexually assaulted time and time again, beaten and abused for the rest of his 25 years in the world. How fucking dare you. How fucking dare you. This may seem like I am asking for pity but that I do not want, I don’t need your sympathy because it makes no god damn difference o me, It doesnt change the chemicals in my brain, it doesn’t give me a reason to get up in the morning or give me comfort in bed at night. I want you to know how fucking cruel this life has been and why I am so god damn fuking messed up in the deepest and darkest way possible. “Why” is the big question of endless possibilities but this is one of those reasons, one of the many possibilies, the endless ways my life could have gone and destiny looked at me and chose this path for me. Fuck you, Just fuck you and your bullshit lenses about flowers and fairies, I grew up with the monsters under my bed, the headless horseman was my ride through hell and back, Samara was my pen pall and nobody was there for me in the end to protect me, I can’t even protect me, I can’t say no to people so I just close my eyes, pretend to be enjoying it and let it happen. Fuck you Unedited rant because fuck reading this to edit its way too fucking much

[daehwifi]

SILENT HALLWAY . | LEE JENO

- admin xion 

genre: angst group/member: nct/lee jeno ft nana  word count: 2, 146 requested: no side notes: i have a headache but that’s okay @loveleehyuck

prompt:  seeing your ex in the hallways was never fun. 

  you stood there with a bright smile on your face. jeno was just a few cliques away from you, doing his classic eye smile to a joke his friend had cracked. some pieces of the shells got into the yolk, causing jeno’s laugh to be heard throughout the halls. that voice was familiar to you. too familiar. within an instant, the name of whoever owned that voice came to mind. you decided not to turn around to face him though. your heart wasn’t ready for that yet. 

 you slightly glanced over your shoulder but chose not to make any eye contact. your eyes didn’t even meet his face since you practically blurred him out in your mind. as blunt as that might’ve sound, he would’ve done the same as well. the two of you were still not ready to face each other yet. 

 jeno had realized he laughed out loud for the first time in forever. he closed his mouth afterwards while his smile faded away, leaving a tender feeling of something missing. his eyes scattered around to the part of the room you were standing in, but chose not to look at your face. he’ll steal a quick glance at your clothes and your hair. he felt at mercy itself just looking at those small details of yours. if he saw your face, he knew he’ll break. 

 his eyes couldn’t stop themselves from landing on your soft smile. then your eyes, then your dimples, then— everything. you are still as beautiful as he remembers. he could feel his jaw dropping a bit at the sight. as though everyone else around you two had disappeared, jeno only saw you. 

 he claimed he doesn’t love you anymore. you two ended on good terms. ‘friend’ terms. but jeno couldn’t understand as to why he felt empty. you two are still friends and have each other, and yet, jeno didn’t want to admit the fact that it’s because he misses you. 

 he found himself finally breaking his glare upon you. but your eyes only did the same. they acted as though they were some magnetic force that just had to be glued onto jeno. his soft laugh filled the air once more. a laugh you missed quite a bit. a gulp trailed down your throat with a stuffed storm of tears. his smile was still the same, his messy bed hair that only you could fix— everything. you were glad he didn’t change a single bit. but it felt odd as well. this was the jeno you used to see every day and love. 

 you found it odd. thoughts and opinions can change, but the person and personality don’t. that was another reason why you and jeno hated this break-up. jeno’s personality still lured you back and still made you blush no matter how hard you wanted to stop. and your bright smile and cute nods still made his heart melt every single time. he is still the same person he was when he was dating you. and you are still the same person you were when you were dating him. but now, he doesn’t have you and you don’t have him anymore.

 “you’re not over him yet?” jaemin asked softly. his head leaned against his hand while he stared at the sight of your blank face. you snapped out of it the moment you heard him speak, but couldn’t snap out of the red cheeks you grew. you tucked a strand of hair behind your ear and stared at the ground with your hands in between your thighs anxiously.

 jaemin, a friend who was caught in the middle. after the breakup, he remained friends with the two of you (like he should). over the time, you noticed how he’s slowly stopped bringing up jeno into the conversations and he’s probably done the same on jeno’s end. 

 “no...” you mumbled. a good example of a failed attempt to deny the truth. even if jaemin bought your words, your actions said otherwise.

 “how is he?” you added even more softly than before. those three words slurred together, almost sounding like gibberish. a gulp appeared to be trailing down your throat while your shoes rubbed against one another like a nervous child.

 “curiosity kills the cat,” jaemin teased playfully in attempts to lighten the anxious mood you gave off. you couldn’t help but give in and release an airy chuckle. but your stomach growled from an answer although your mind told you to surrender.

 “would you like to be killed or would you rather not take the bait?” he added with a small smirk. jaemin did things like this often. he was too much of a happy-child to let sad things from his mood down. you knew he has empathy inside him, his emotions just face off another message instead.

“for christ sakes jaemin— this breakup has already killed me enough. just tell me how he is,” you took the bait without thinking twice. direct eye contact was key when attacking your prey. you had nothing else to lose. you’ve already lost your everything. you were willing to feel bullets hit your heart whether he felt happy or not. that’s how desperate you were when it came to things related to him.

 jaemin sheepishly smiled and sat up from his chair. he shoved his hands inside his hoodie and that familiar smile faded a bit. he cleared the frog in his throat like he was an announcer.

 “he’s fine,” jaemin stated. there was an awkward silence between you two. you waited for jaemin to say more, but once you saw the facial expression on his face, you knew that was all. jaemin clearly could’ve said more if he wanted too, but decided not too ‘for your own good’. 

 “oh,” you replied.your heart felt a little bit more at ease although the feeling of envy lingered around you with a splash of jealousy. if was he really fine; he got over you while you were still trying to heal. you wanted to be okay again. and you wanted him to be okay again. 

 “what a way to build up the suspense,” you muttered bitterly under your breath. jaemin released a soft sigh and rolled his head in circles. a bright smile remained on his face although there was a feeling of guilt inside him.

 “you know how he’s doing,” jaemin conceded. you cocked your eyebrow with a gloomy feeling in your stomach. he stood up from his seat and swung his black backpack over his shoulder. 

 “no i dont,” you blurted without realizing your tone in the voice.

 jaemin turned around and did a classic move of his. he chuckled, flashed a wide smile that soon turns into a faint smirk before his eyes went to the floor then back to you. 

 “ask him then. you two are still friends,” jaemin concluded. when you opened your mouth, he left the classroom. you were put to mute like any other cliche kdrama. your heart dropped a little bit more when hearing his suggestion. it wasn’t that easy anymore. 

 jaemin placed his hand on jeno’s shoulder while taking a seat beside him. jeno glanced over to his shoulder. simply seeing the hand and the white sleeve that came along, he knew in an instant it was jaemin. 

 “y/n asked about you,” jaemin announced as though he was a messenger. jeno couldn’t help but force a sheepish smile. a sudden heat wave hit him and caused his heart rate to increase out of anxiety. 

 “what a way to start off a conversation,” jeno spoke. he pursed his lips together and eye-smiled sarcastically, flicking jaemin’s hand off his shoulder. 

 “stop acting like you don’t want to know what she asked,” jaemin jerked. jeno’s neck heated up from embarrassment. he was caught red-handed and maybe red-faced as well. 

 jeno tapped his finger against the table out of anticipation. little did he know, jaemin had you on edge like this as well. jaemin simply ignored his antics and pulled out his textbook from his bag. jeno felt like a little child wanting attention, but he couldn’t help but hope for jaemin to speak up about it. 

 “what’d she say?” he mumbled under his breath. the silence in the air made jeno’s heart race even more as though it was his first confession. come to think of it, his first confession was to you. 

 “i’m not some messenger. ask her yourself,” he spoke. there was sharpness to his words that jeno felt. or, he was just overthinking it.   

 “i can’t just-”

 “yes you can,” jaemin interrupted. his stare was locked on the whiteboard in front of the two. there came another gulp down jeno’s throat. he found himself at a mute afterwards with a heavy feeling. 

 it was easy for jaemin to say that. to experience it, was an actual hell. even if jeno had the enthusiasm to had the hope, he knew he wouldn’t be able to even mutter two words near you. he just couldn’t do it anymore. 

 your fingers hovered over the glowing keyboard. your brightness was turned all the day down already, but you still felt as though it was too bright on your eyes. a cloud shadowed over you, causing a tsunami of mixed emotions to swirl inside you. 

 on the ‘bright’ side, you were facing your fear of the dark. your phone was your only light source at this point at this point. the scenarios inside your head becoming reality was a bigger fear that took over. 

  it’s been three hours now and you were still stuck on simply sending a message. by now, you’ve already typed out at least 30 different ways to say ‘how are you?’ that isn’t even including the ones where you straight out began venting about how you miss him.

 after shedding tears and going through a tissue box, you surrendered without putting up a proper fight. you thought if a fight with your own emotions was this difficult, simply talking to him against would place you into a k.o. your phone seemed to have agreed with you and died. you felt stupid for not charging it when seeing it at 3%, but you felt stupid in general for not being able to do anything without him. 

 you were completely in the dark now. by yourself and your own thoughts. isolated to hear your own cries and your own sobs. no social media to distract you nor googling how to send the perfect message. 

 you came to a realization at that moment.    you hated the dark and hated missing him. 

 how much longer was jeno going to stay quiet? he grew angry at himself for just standing in the hallway and not being able to say anything. the two of you are friends, so why is it hard for you two to interact like normal? 

 “normal?”  jeno scoffed to himself. the normal to him was him holding your hand and smiling. the normal to him was you constantly playing with his fingertips and lacing your fingers with his. jeno couldn’t believe he was pitying himself for his inner thoughts. 

 it was almost ironic. a little later after jeno was kicked out of class and told to stand outside, the same scenario happened to you as well. he couldn’t tell if cupid was playing with his feelings or the devil was. 

 the hallway only consisted of you two standing there in silence. some of you would exchange glances to one another but never said a single word. 

 this was the perfect opportunity to finally say everything. you were faced with him and there was nowhere to run. all you had to do was open your mouth and simply talk. it’s such a simple task but why did you find it so difficult when it came to him? 

 jeno clenched his fists and swallowed, in which caused his adam's apple to bob up and down. he was scared of saying such words without having a thought in mind. he almost blurted out how he missed you, but only let out a hesitated ‘ah’.

 when would the word ‘i still love you’ finally escape his lips? when would the words ‘i miss you’ finally escape yours?  when will that feeling you two miss so much finally come back? jeno wanted the answer to those questions and you did as well. but the two of you remained silent in this perfect opportunity to speak. 

 the bell had rung. jeno had drifted off with his friend group while you did the same. there was a feeling that something was missing lingering in the two of you. the hallway slowly filled with chatter but you felt unsatisfied for some reason. 

 in that silent hallway with just the two of you, you could’ve finally talked to him like a normal person. like a friend.