#Makes my chronic pain way worse
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i will fight the cold weather, and I will win
#Ahhh fuck#It's cold#I hate the cold#My partner offered me a heated blanket but I'm though#Sounding like I'm fighting Mr freeze#Also got offered a portable heater#Winter sucks#Makes my chronic pain way worse#winter#cold#fyp#batman
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going through another round of "what if i got a cane would my life be easier with a cane should i get a cane" hmmmm
#ctxt#chronic blogging#i'd probably hold off until i'm further into treatment to see if it improves things enough to remove the (maybe??) need#but a lil extra support sure would be nice#i don't really have trouble walking usually. occasionallygetting up from sitting is hard#mainly it just FUCKING HURTS standing still for longer than a couple minutes#and flamingoing it to put all my weight on one foot isn't very comfortable either#i feel like it would increase comfort a lot to be able to distribute my weight more evenly between my good side & a cane#but i'm not sure if it would make enough of a difference to be worth lugging a cane around and having it be in the way when not in use#i would want something made of lightweight wood and with enough of a curve to the handle that i could hook it over my elbow#to keep it outta the way. or get one of those wrist straps#idk my mobility isn't really limited but i am in a lot of pain frequently and standing without something to lean on makes it a lot worse#cane users please feel free to weigh in
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Shiro and Allura should’ve been 27-32. No I won’t be taking criticism on this.
#chronic pain bad because PT make clunk get worse before hopefully better#guess who allegedly had a chronic illness? shiro#guess who definitely had chronic pain? shiro#guess who had intense grief that had to be struggled through anyway? allura and shiro#and well. as someone who couldn’t Begin to think enough to tackle this until my late 20s and blundering through as a 30#I just think these two should be my comfort blorbos#nevermind Shiro is Insanely Young for an Insanely Young pilot#as someone who knows pilots. they BARELY got to be commercial airline junior pilots at 25 26. with like. no gaps#there is No WAY shiro’s chronic illness didn’t cause SOME ‘delays’ istg
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Hate how being a therian has been reduced down to “doing quadrobics” as a therian who cannot do quadrobics because it will cause me immense physical pain and exhaustion
#before any mf goes 'you're just out of shape lol'#I exercise every day#and it would cause that because I have literal fucking tumors in my knees#which causes me chronic pain and fatigue#and high amounts of physical activity makes it way worse#therian#fox therian#therian discourse#oh wow that is a tag#ableism
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I can really judge how bad of a day I'm having based on how hard it is to get tucked in bed. Sometimes just lifting my weighted blanket to get under it is a HERCULEAN effort. Im working on coming to terms with the fact that this is not my fault.
#all my life I've been surrounded by people who tell me to be more active#exercise more#try yoga#go to the gym#just to discover now that I have hypermobility which is causing chronic pain#(and weight-based exercise was making it worse)#and also along the way I've developed POTS#depression and ADHD have always made focusing difficult and now I have 24/7 brainfog#like. I couldn't have prevented this#I couldn't have prevented it! nothing I could have done.#literally as I'm typing rn the muscle in my forearm is burning just from the effort of moving my thumb#that's not from 'sedentary lifestyle'#that's something I do every damn day that sometimes hurts for no reason#exercise isn't going to help that#it's not. my. fault.#at the same time I feel like I'm getting buried under the weight of these conditions#adhd and depression and autism(?) and chronic fatigue that MIGHT be fibromyalgia?#and I think about my biological father. who was a drug and alcohol addict and died at forty years old#I didn't get all of these conditions from my mother#I wonder if he was just coping#anyway that's enough introspection for tonight
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@ my homies with pain disorders, if i described a pain as hollow and feels the way metal tastes, do you know what i mean?
#its my main type of pain other than just a basic ache but my family thinks im nuts (lovingly)#my dad and my sister both have chronic pain and my sister kind of gets it but no really#it feels exactly like a hollow metal bar inside my body that youve licked#but Painful#i had a pain flare today#all in my back and ribs#it came on so damn sudden i got up to make dinner and within five minutes i didnt want to move so it wouldnt get worse#i had my compression belt on so thought that might be making it worse so i took it off#turns out that was definitely the wrong choice and i immediately tanked even harder#i woke up way to early and spent the day on the couch so im not surprised#and its also march and i always flare in march#any other potsies or dysautonomias get march flares?#i know the october slide is a thing and its Very real#but i flare every march like clockwork too#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#spoonie#pots#chronic pain#dysautonomia
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ik ive not been active at all anyways sort of explanation/me complaining in tags
#i have gotten progressively worse lately in terms of physical health and its just taken a lot out of me tbh#over the past few months ive developed chronic pain and fatigue drs still arent sure if its fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue but whatev#in any case ive been in tremendous pain everywhere it's not been fun at all#i also have this new thing where i get a tremor if i hold things too hard and while it is relatively painless it still is making life harde#esp since i am an art student so im kind of stuck not rly knowing what to do atp#ive just not been in the best mindset and while i recognise that disability is not ugly in any way i do just feel harder to love now#like i dont think my personality is fun enough to make up for all this idk if that makes any real sense#ive also been temporarily put on birth control its a long story but it's only until i get scheduled for a minor surgery most probably#but yanno birth control has unfun side effects and i feel like im going crazy most days#ik this all probably sounds pretty silly but idk. its been hard to feel genuinely attractive lately.#forgot to add this but there was some other stuff that happened thats definitely effecting just my self image and libido and stuff lately#long story short someone i trusted ended up crossing multiple physical boundaries and passed uncomfortable comments abt me and similar shit#its not been fun to deal with in any way yk?
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[guy with chronic pain voice] i should draw pain threshold
#chemi chats#pain thresh save me. save me pain thresh.#its truly like. sure i'll find pleasure in the pain what fucking else are you supposed to do with a life full of constant bodily agony.#the alternative is suffering. the alternative is wallowing in feeling bad and sad all the time and im fucking sick of feeling this way!#so sure! i like the pain actually! whatever!! hurt me more!! bring it on! i'll feel every pain ever whatever! can't get worse than this!#if you completely own it. if you're in pain and you /want/ to be in pain does that lessen the suffering?? does that make it easier to cope?#just some thoughts about him hkjgh i worry for that guy sometimes. chronic pain havers are really going through it.#pain thresh who are your friends in the group? you and endurance are buds probably. empathy maybe? emotional pain </3#oh composure too maybe. buddy you need more friends. its hard to talk to people when you have chronic pain though. like when will you get#tired of me constantly saying ''im in pain''? because even while im holding back the full enormity of my pain i still say it a lot.#its hard to concentrate on other things and good fucking god it hurts; goddamnit you said it out loud again. you need to find friends who#are willing to be patient with you even when you ''complain'' a lot about the same thing all the time. usually other people with pain hgfij#on a secondary adhd note i should absolutely go through bdg's unraveled videos and pick out quotes that fit the skills lmao#pain thresh's is ''hey you know the crash test dummy that we throw against the wall violently? it would be cool IF IT COULD FEEL PAIN''#ency is one of the fun facts from the ''i read every halo novel'' probably hkjh and i could pull something from the sports one for phys?#hkjh anyway thats it folks hkjgh hugs and blowing kisses for everyone
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feeling sick constantly in the background all the time is like.. usually negligible-ish.. until multiple various chronic background issues all happen to overlap at once and then it’s like
#Like usually I cycle between like. joint pain issues. chest muscle injury stuff. back pain. stomach problems. headaches. etc.#There is never a day that I feel totally normal for the most part. but it's usually just little things here and there on and off#chronic things that seem to flare up sometimes. But then every once in a while it's like the flare ups align and I'll have 6 of the problems#at the same time and then is AaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#For some reason it's okay to deal with one or two of these things at any given time. but if I have to deal with like 3+ at once#or two of the old ones plus one NEW thing I've never had before or etc. etc.#I just can't even do anything. I run around stressed out of my mind unable to focus on any tasks or do anything but feel bad#then I cant even play games or do fun stuff becuause my brain wont let me be distracted from fixating on the fact that I feel bad#It's kind of the same way that it's stressful for me to go into grocery stores because my brain LITERALLY just is not capable of tuning out#all of the noises and lights and sensory information - so it' gets overwhelming quickly. I also just literally cannot tune out sensory infor#mation from my body. so if something feels even a LITTLE weird or a LITTLE painful or is even slightly different than usual#especially if it's overlapping with multiple other 'low level chronic pain' type things then my brain is just like.. being given way too muc#h information that it still cant tune out and then I can't focus and just walk around in a daze for however long until one of the issues#goes away on it's own (like joint pain flare ups usually come and go etc. etc.). or until I see a doctor abut whatever the new thing is#and maybe something they do or say actually helps or etc. etc.#Idk I have SO SO much I want to do the beginning of the year and so many projects to finish and things to post and schedules I have#written out for me to get on (like excercising more consistently and etc.) and it's just furstrating for my brain to just be like#ah.. nope.. we are not doing that. instead we are going to be completely incapacitated by a host of physical issues#which I think most ''normal people'' would just ignore like ''oh yeah I'll just load myself up on ibuprophen and coffee and energy#drinks and advil and sleep supplements and this and that'' or whatever but I can't do that it just makes stuff worse. I have to just sit for#days having a mind battle like 'okay yes we're having these problems.. but we can still like.. do SOMETHING right? we could like.. write#or draw. or things that don't take much energy'' and brain is just like NO!!! WE CANT!!! BECAUSE!! THING IS WEIRD!!!' and it's like okay#but thing is going to be weird. there's nothing we can do about thing being weird right now. so we should just focus on something else#'NO!! CANNOT TUNE OUT THING BEING WEIRD!! lets just fixate on it instead and wander aimlessly from thing to thing never able#to fully focus on any other task. hee hee''. anyway. hhghh.. sometimes I just get tired of having Various Ailments at any given time#especially unexplained ones or weird recurring problems that doctors haven't done much about because then it lends to paranoia like#'what if something is seriously wrong but I just dont know it yet?' which could be the case. I mean hopefully not. but I just hate stuff#being unexplained. because if there's no clear answer then the answer could be anything. even somehting bad. *** :V#ANYWAY gghhb... just bothered at the moment. I was going to come here like 'hey maybe I could post some drafts or pictures or something that#could feel productive!' but.. i dont feel like it. i dont care. too focused on Bad Feeling. just going to complain instead lol
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I wish I had a normal immune system. I do everything right and I have a UTI again anyway. 😒
Just hoping I last until tomorrow when I can get antibiotics and not develop another kidney infection overnight. That shit comes on faster than you think.
#a bit scary because i know my body's fighting it#i feel weakness but once the fever hits you're in trouble trust me#last time i felt this way but had a migraine coming on so i took a nap. woke up it hurt worse and i had bad kidney pain#a fever of about 103 going on 104. inching towards sepsis. family member tried to convince me to wait it out#i told them i might not make it overnight considering the timeline from kidney infection to sepsis and they didn't believe me#same person that gave me covid through negligence lmfao#chronic illness#disability#chronic pain#here's hoping i'm fine in the morning i mean i have an 11am appointment#but uh my antibiotics will have to wait till about 6-7pm#i have to be okay for 20 hours... i need my immune system to do its best till then.#sometimes i think about how id be so dead in another time period like this is the legit only time period that a body like mine can survive
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my department is apparently no longer hybrid, but “on-site with ad-hoc remote work”. i’m just gonna see how long i can get away with ignoring that
#txt#i do have an accommodation that says i can wfh when i have a migraine.#but when i was asking for the accommodation i guesstimated that that’d intersect with my in-person days like once or twice a month.#i do absolutely need to have the option to wfh multiple times per week.#but getting an accommodation for THAT is going to be way more difficult. bc it’s not JUST migraines‚ it’s a combination of my various psych#afflictions and not-properly-diagnosed chronic pain *and* the complex whole-body rube goldberg pain machine that is my chronic migraines.#it’s not necessarily ‘i will be in unbearable pain if i do this’.#it’s ‘i will be perpetually drained and my low-level pain will be worse snd i will have no life outside of work and recuperating from work’.#it’s also weird that they’re ending hybridhood *now*.#it’s not like we’re at a particular milestone in pandemic recovery. although our admin did mention entering a ‘busy period’.#it’s not even necessary lmao. we get by fine. we get by BETTER when we’re not all there.#oh man. i just realized. everyone being on-site is gonna make the autism/anxiety so much worse.#i honestly think this policy shift might be related to me.#bc our program director started emphasizing the importance of being onsite on x days… shortly after i started working hybrid‚ but had to wfh#on some of those days#for disability reasons.#anyway. government pleeeaaase give my old lab more money so i can go back. pleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaazeeeee#edited
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looking for advice here how do I tell my parents I probably have a serious physical disability and chronic pain but I’ve known for years and I’ve just been too much of a pussy to tell them cause years of deep rooted childhood trauma from when they neglected me way back when
#disability#disability pride month#chronic pain#chronic fatigue#its getting worse everyday istg#its pretty hard to walk and breathe and stand and exist most days#and I have no idea what it could be buts it’s concerning yk?#but I don’t know how long it’s actually been going on cause only last year did I register the pain as ‘probably not normal’#and only this year did I fully recognise that whoa it’s probably a physical disability of some sort you’re probably disabled in some way#and I know I’m probably neurodivergent too#who am I kidding I am neurodivergent self diagnosis is valid#but I’ve tried to tell them (my parents) that and they’ve just sort of brushed it aside#yk the neglect thing and all#so it’s like?#how do I know they’re not just gonna do that again?#should I just wait until whatever this is becomes so bad it’s obvious to my parents and they’re forced to do something?#but like that might be a while#and whatever this is IS causing significant distruption and shit#like it’s making it hard to just do normal stuff and exist on a day to day basis#a disability if you will#ohhhhh I just vented in the tags didn’t i#whoops#still gonna post it yk#vent post#hahahaaaa
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I feel like I have an unacceptably low level of control over my body. Like obviously there are some things that no one can control but I have like actual big problems because of it. I'm not really sure how to describe it but it's not just me being really clumsy (although that is an effect of it) or even the tics I have.
It's like I can feel my body moving wrong constantly but I can't correct it and it hurts and it sucks and I'm tired. I'm tired of hurting myself, making mistakes, breaking things, acting like it's fine when in reality I'm constantly afraid of how much any movement I make next could hurt me. I need to move to stay sane, I want to workout and get stronger and go on walks with my friends. I wanna get better. I can't even roll over in bed without pain and I'm just so tired.
#opossums chronic illness rants#seriously though this sucks so much and idk if theres anything i can do about it but i wanna try#its probably a combination of a lot of different things#like muscle weakness and instability from ehlers danlos syndrome both making each other worse#along with the poor proprioception from autism the dizzyness and weakness from the dysautonomia#the fact that i cant really see and even possibly inner ear damage (thats a new one that ive been suspecting more and more recently)#im not sure if the ear damage would be just from built up ear wax or maybe or something else#but im really not having a good time because it brings back bad memories#when i was a kid (8 i think) my mom was convinced i had compacted ear wax but given that she refused to ever#take me to doctors she decided she had to fix it herself#which led to a lot of excruciating trials where she stuck wires and que tips stripped of their cotton into my ears#and tried to scrape out whatever she could. even though i wanted her to stop because it hurt so bad i would start crying everytime#im also mildly suspicious that might be what damaged my ears in the first place... but i really have no way to know that at the moment#all i know is i dont want anyone looking in or putting things in my ears ever again#it doesnt even matter how much i trust them because now anything put in my ears hurt#like even when im just regularly cleaning them with que tips it hurts and im reminded that might not be normal#idk if you read these tags let me know if cleaning your ears is supposed to hurt i guess?#im honestly not sure. like i just always assumed i wasnt being gentle enough or something but it doesnt matter what i do#its not super painful either just a little bit so i ignored it because i assumed it was normal#since a lot of 'normal' things hurt for me. which i now know to my surprise isnt normal at all but i didnt figure that out#until i actually got people to believe that these things were hurting me#apparently its very hard to find anyom#who believes that opening bag clips or trying to lift a jug of milk are actually quite painful for me#they usually just say im way overreacting and when i was a kid i just believed them i guess
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#toy txt post#i guess i just need to find a different job since this one seems to be. not great for me#but i also like. dont know what wont be bad for me. like sorry i just dont think there are jobs that are accessible to me that arent going#to feel Like This#at least in some way. and this one has good insurance and shit. and if i can get my shit together it has fucking. paid community service#time that i could theoretically use to like. volunteer at the aquarium or smth and have a day off for it and get paid by my job#which could be a foot in the door to a career that i am interested in but im just fucking. stuck and fatigued and in pain and wallowing and#have no fucking energy and i cant do anything and im fucking nocturnal and i joke about it and i was fine with it but i hate it i hate#not seeing the fucking sun and i miss my old job which is INSANE but i know what i miss about that job was#that it was part time. and i regret not doing more with that#but im also allergic to normal hours i guess i dont fucking know#i know part of it is prolly just feeling profoundly out if control of my life so i just stay up bc at least thats quiet time for me#w no expectations but thats not even tru bc i shoukd be at least doing my fucking laundry or smth cos it would make sense#and the fucking answer to so many of my issues rn is like just do that then or just stop doing that then but i cant i dont know why im just#like this ive always been like this stupid useless cant fucking do anything cant fix my shit just fucking wallowing and angry and doing#nothing and its just gotten worse cos now i have fucking chronic pain and fatigue and now i REALLY do FUCKALL#im depressdd and anxious and in pain i should get a therapist but thats hard and i dont fucking trust ppl#i should move out and maybe that would help bc i wouldnt feel like i have to wear a mask around my own house but im barely functioning#as is w a lot of support from my mom i cant fucking live on my own#not to mention the whole country being so fucking. Bad rn. ive done nothing all day not even resting#and tomorrow ill wake up too late and be in a rush and in pain and tired and just#i dont fucking know#im so miserable and lately so many topics can just send my stupid little brain just Spiralling but i dont want to say that i dont want ppl#to feel weird for talking about fucking college. i dont want to sit here being so bitter that something in my brain broke about school#im happy for ppl who can do their fucking college shit i just. smth wrong in my brain and i cant dwell on it and i try not to be too#outwardly negative about it cos i dont want ppl to feel like they cant talk to me about it or smth idk#rambling and venting and im gonna hit tag limit lmao for sure#been having the same goddamn problems nonstop for my whole life and its just that i cant fucking do anything#i have too much shit i should rid of#whatever
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I'm like. actively being abused at home. What do I even do about that.
#://#Today she said I am disgusting and unapproachable and will never have friends or find love because I make everyone I meet uncomfortable#Because I don't shave my legs#When I told her I keep blacking out from my chronic pain she said 'that's a little dramatic'#When I told her I should probably go to the hospital for that she shushed me because she was trying to watch her fuckin. Fringe show#Always with the shushing. Every time I speak :((#She said I should go out & do something and quit being so lazy. So i said I would ride my bike but the tire is flat#She said 'why are you so useless' :((#When I was projectile vomiting for three days I told her I had a 104°F temperature and she said 'darn'#I asked if she wanted to watch Ponyo with me and she said 'oh my god I don't want to watch your stupid crap shit'#When I dropped a cup of gatorade and mopped it up (agony for chronic pain btw) she felt where it was still sticky and said#I'm so stupid and it's my fault we have ants (we do not have ants)#So I said 'yeah mommy I think my fine motor skills are getting worse I can't hold things or swallow very well'#She said 'have you tried paying attention??' :((((#I told her I had a sunburn and it hurt and she said 'youre so needy'#I got beat up in middle school and I was crying about it and she said it was all my fault because I was annoying#I was also sexually assaulted that same week but after the way she responded to that I was not going to tell her#One time when we were at the doctor and checked yes for suicidal thoughts she started screaming and crying#About how much we hate her and think she is a bad mother and how ungrateful we are#If I read this list to her she would say I was making it up and trying to make her look like a bad evil person#Because she is!!! She insults and belittles me so much I genuinely wish she would just beat my ass instead#I'm 20 years old why are you talking to me this way#I know it's all verbal abuse but. I'm so fucking miserable I want to die living here#Oh wait one time she strangled my little sibling because they complained about finding blood in their can of tuna
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lil sad cuz my zyrtec isn't working as well so I have hives most of the time now :( but!!! I found a doctor who's researching my condition!!!!
*grabs u by the shoulders*
AFTER 3 YEARS, $2500 WORTH OF LABS, AT LEAST 8 SPECIALISTS, AND CONSTANTLY BEING PASSED AROUND LIKE A SHITTY GAME OF HOT POTATO, I HAVE A DOCTOR THAT'S WILLING TO LOOK INTO MY CONDITION.
that is all :)
#for clarification I do not have a diagnosis yet. but they've told me it's autoimmune#possibly thyroid disease but they can't be sure#also I've had a bunch of frustrating chronic issues like hives and fatigue and most recently joint pain/swelling (in ALL my joints :(#I've also been hella depressed (which I've been for years but it got way worse a few years ago)#plus the weight gains and mood swings and sleeping for twelve hours at a time and panic attacks and periods that make me hella sick#I'm just tired#BUT IT'S OKAY!!!! BECAUSE SOMEONE IS LOOKING INTO IT#also would like to add that doctors just... do not believe me? like ok? yeah I've faked thyroid disease since I was 16 alright u got me boo#tw vent#tw chronic hives#tw chronic illness
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