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marvel-chubbybucky-hoe · 4 years

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Ungrateful?

Hey there :) Just randomly found your blog and I would die for some Loki x Reader fluff/angst written for me. Like maybe Loki takes the Human!Reader with him to Asgard to live there. But the longer they live there, the more the Reader misses Midgard. You know, like the Reader tries really hard to feel home in Asgard, but just is quite homesick. So they are in a romantic relationship for a while now and Loki tries to make it better for the Reader. I hope I explained it understandably xD I actually tried writing this today, but kind of failed, maybe I´ll try in a few days again, but I would love to read your version, because I need this scenario! So: It would be so kind if you would write something for me ^^ ~Ash

Relationship: Loki Laufeyson / Reader

Tags: angst, fluff, angst to fluff, feelings, self doubt, guilt, shapeshifting, Thor and Loki are your typical siblings, reader is harsh on herself, dating Loki, Loki is the sweetest, Loki being cute

Words: 3892

A/n: I honestly don’t know why this took me so long. I was out of wifi for a little and had to take care of my dog (he got vaccinated and felt a little down :( ) But here it is. I hope you like it. Loads of love

Loki had met you after Thor convinced him that Midgardians were fun to be around when drunk and furthermore Thor was concerned for Loki. The god of mischief has never before been so quiet. Frigga had begged for Odin to release her son from prison, because she was worried for him. The Allfather agreed, although reluctantly, but Loki had kept to himself.

He was scared of returning to Midgard after he attacked the planet while under the influence of the mind stone. Thor comforted him and promised to stay by his side and even though he would never admit this, Loki felt reassured.

While on Midgard, Loki felt people stare at him, heard the whispers and saw the scared looks on people’s faces. He was embarrassed, but Thor’s booming voice distracted him.

You were on of Jane’s interns and welcomed Loki with open arms, slightly drunk. After Jane slapped him, you stumbled over to him and hugged him “Don’t hit him, he looks so sad”, you yelled and pouted at him.

And ever since that day Loki’s infatuation with you started to grow and developed into love eventually. He became happier and healthier and finally asked you to join him on Asgard. You were ecstatic to join your love on his home planet.

And it was great. The Asgardians treated you kindly and you were in love with the architecture and culture. The best thing of course, was the vast amount of time you could spend with Loki. He let you in on his mind, his fears and his past, which led you to angrily yelling at Odin until Frigga gently pulled you away. You cried into her arms while she guided you back to Loki’s chamber.

Your prince engulfed you and Frigga in a hug and let you let all your emotions out. You looked up at him and put your had on his cheek “I will never let anyone hurt you ever again” Loki looked back down at you and had to hold back tears, putting his hand over yours.

After your outburst, Odin felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. Seeing Loki being fully loved and the positive influence it has on his mental health made him realize his mistakes in raising and parenting his younger son.

Odin has since tried to slowly regain Loki’s trust and rebuild their relationship. Loki didn’t show it openly, but he told you how excited he is over finally making his father proud.

And everything had been great, really, until you suddenly felt numb. You couldn’t pinpoint what it was, but something was off. It took you a while to figure out, but when you were out with Sif and you swooned about Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic and were met with a face of confusion, that you realized you were homesick.

It made you feel so guilty. Loki brought you here out of love, he poured out his heart for you and what did you do? You were an ungrateful brat that wanted to return to earth .You felt so horrible that you couldn’t even look into Loki’s eyes.

Instead, you spend most of your time in the palace garden crying your eyes out. You missed your old apartment, and the smell of fresh baked cinnamon rolls from the bakery downstairs. You missed your little uncomfortable bed and your teddy, the view out of your window and your movie collection.

When you returned to the palace and saw Loki again, you had tears pooling in your eyes again out of guilt. He would come towards you and gently presses his lips to your temple and smile at you “I’m so happy you’re here, my Queen”, he’d whisper like he did every evening. You sat down with him and his hand never left your thigh.

You managed to stop your tears for eight more days, before you excused yourself from the table to run for your favourite bench to cry. That’s were you find yourself now, sobbing into your hands in your Asgardian robe. You hear footsteps behind you and tense, dreading the conversation that is surely going to ensue.

“My queen?”, Loki asks, his voice quiet and scared. His tone makes you whimper. All you had been doing lately was making your beautiful boyfriend scared and sad. You are a horrible girlfriend. Instead of supporting him, you are bringing him down out of your own selfishness.

Loki sits down next to you and gently takes your hands into his. “Please, tell me what has been bothering you? I cannot stand to see you this miserable”, he pleads with you. You take a shuddering breath and look up at him “I’m sorry, my prince, so, so sorry”, you begin to sob again, “I never meant for this to happen! Please forgive my selfishness”

A sigh comes from him and he puts an arm around your shoulders, “My love, you don’t need to apologize for your feelings, however I wish to help you. Please enlighten me what is darkening your beautiful mind?” You continue to cry into your hands “It’s just…”, you look at him, “I miss home and I’m so sorry. You give me everything and I can’t even appreciate you properly!” His embrace usually brings you comfort, but now it only serves to deepen your guilt.

You bury your face in your hands once more “ I’m so horrible, such a bad girlfriend. I’m so sorry!” Loki is shocked by your words. He knew something was bothering you, he’d be a terrible boyfriend if he didn’t, but that you were feeling so low made his heart ache.

Loki pulls you closer to him and snakes his arms around your waist “My queen, you should have told me. It was never my intention to make you sad like this. If you desire to return to earth, I will let you go, not that you need my permission” Your head shoots up “No! You’re what makes me happy. I could never be happy without you. This must be some phase, maybe it’s the weather. Yeah, that’s it! This will be over soon, my prince I promise. I should lay down.” You stand up and kiss Loki, before smiling at him, “Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine”

Loki sits on the bench dumbfounded, watching your retreating figure. He scoffed. After this encounter he will obviously worry about you. And what he is going to do might not be his proudest moment, but he will surely do everything in his power to find out how he can help you.

That’s how he finds himself transformed as Fandral. You and him had quickly developed a friendship, surprisingly enough. Loki was sure he can get to the root of your problem in this form. He quickly struts towards your shared chamber and knocks politely.

„Lady Y/n? Are you in there?“, he hollers. After a few seconds, you answer „I am, come in Fandral“ Loki enters, sees you sitting on the bed and cocks his head towards the space next to you. “Yes, of course, sit please“, you mumble, a nervous habit of yours. Loki sits next to you and places a hand on your knee. You look at him and see his compassionate eyes and know that you can trust him. “I saw you running off on Loki earlier. Are you okay?“

You sigh. “I’m just so homesick. I miss being on earth and being surrounded by people who understand society the same way as me“, you glance at Fandral “no offence“ Loki smiles at you,“none taken, but maybe you should specify what you miss exactly?“ You rub your hands over your thighs slowly,“I miss my movies, my apartment, human cooking, the culture, you know?“

Loki sheepishly grins „I don’t, but I guess that’s the issue, huh?“ You shoot him a look „Fandral! I trust you with my problems and all you do is this?“, you exclaim, but can’t fend off a smile. He shrugs and smiles, while ruffling your hair, “That’s what I do, Lady Y/n“

After a while, Loki exits your chambers and rushes towards a quiet place to shift back to his original form as Loki. He was now aware of what had been bothering you so much and a loose plan is already forming in his head, but he would need Thor’s help. He knew more about Midgardians than Loki, so he would surely have an answer.

He walks towards the dining hall, hoping his family was still around and bumped into the God of Thunder on his way. “Brother, what leads you to running around like you’re fleeing from this realm’s fury?“, he chuckles and slings an arm over Loki’s smaller frame. “I need your help, brother. It concerns Lady Y/n’s well being.“, the younger prince discloses.

Thor halts to look at Loki, who is looking at him desperately. “Well, what is it, then?“ Loki tells the story to Thor, who looks to be in deep thought. After a moment, the older one grins, “I’ve got it. We should visit Midgard.. We can go to Lady Y/n’s old apartment and grab some of her valuables. Maybe it’ll make her feel better!“.

And that’s what they do. They meet up with Jane who gives Loki the key to your apartment. “Tell her that I love her, yes?“, she smiles, before Thor and her take off. Loki makes his way to your flat and pauses at the door. Hopefully, he’ll find enough to make you happy again. He puts the key in the hole and turns it to enter.

The first thing his eyes fall upon are some of your old coats. He reaches out to touch the fabric. It’s thick and sturdy and must surely keep one warm. He takes it off the rack and fold it into a bag he brought. Loki moves further into your home and walks into the kitchen. You mentioned you missed the Midgardian food, so he rummages through your cupboards until he finds a cooking book.

He opens it and some yellowish handwritten recipes fall out. They must have been from your ancestors. Loki reads over them quickly. There’s apple pie, a veggie lasagna, cheesecake among others. They must hold a special place in your heart, if you’re still keeping them. He puts the recipes back into the book and places it into the bag. He’ll have to buy some ingredients for the Asgardian chefs, so they can cook these recipes.

He continues to wander through your apartment and find himself in your living room. On the shelf are pictures that show you and different people. One shows you as a toddler, grinning toothily on a man’s lap, probably your father. Loki smiles at the picture. You were a cute child and he was happy your father seemed to love and care for you. He puts this and few other pictures in the bag.

His gaze falls on a stack of movies an cds. Right, he should get you some. You often talked about these so called ‘classics’, so he browses through them and looks for titles that seem familiar. He ends up with Titanic, Groundhog Day and The Shining, because he vaguely remembers you talking about them. He randomly grabs some more – he can’t help but shake his head at some of the titles, like seriously what kind of name is Willy Wonka – and puts them in the bag.

On his way to your bathroom he also takes a fluffy warm blanket with him. Your bathroom is small and Loki can’t help, but laugh at the rubber duck that’s sitting in your sink. He picks it up and raises it to his face to inspect it. He squeezes it and immediately drops it after it makes a squeaking noise. He glares at the duck and taps it with his boot, before he reluctantly picks it up again and puts it in his bag.

The bathroom doesn’t hold anymore things Loki deems worthy, but a bottle of perfume which makes him remember your smell when you first met. A mixture of lemon, flowers and sweat that he hasn’t realized he missed so badly. Loki then sashays into your bedroom, the memory filling him with child like joy. Upon entering your chamber, he stops to an abrupt halt and holds his breath. The room has your name written all over it. He feels like he’s trespassing into a sacred temple. After he let his eyes roam he lets out the breath he has been holding and rolls his shoulders.

Your old bed catches his attention. It is made just like you do it to your shared bed on Asgard. He lays down on it and breathes in the barely noticeable scent of you and rubs over the bed sheets with his hands. Suddenly, tears are gathering in his eyes and before he can stop them, they are falling down his cheeks. He didn’t notice how much your sadness had been bringing him down.

You are the love of his life and the thought of you, so lifeless and sad makes his heart ache. He cannot lose you. Oh lord, does he hope his little adventure will pay off. He just wants you to be happy again. Loki breathes your scent in deeply, before he wipes away his tears and sits up determined to bring your joy back.

He is about to jump into action when his eyes meet the two button eyes of a brown teddy. It has open arms and a heart on his chest that reads 'press me’. Loki reaches for the bear and follows the instructions, “Hi, I’m Pongo and I already know we’ll be the best of friends”, the teddy says. Loki watches the stuffed toy suspiciously, but then sees you hugging the bear and talking to him and he lets out a giggle. You truly are adorable.

The bear lands in the bag and Loki searches for more of your things. He finds a photo album of you and Jane on your desk. He looks through the pages and stops at a picture of you kissing Jane with a bottle of Midgardian alcohol in your hand. Loki can’t help but playfully shake your head, he had rarely seen you so carelessly. The album also goes in the bag, along with some of your clothes he likes – especially the lingerie – a poster, your guitar and some technological things (“it’s a play station”, you later clarify). He also find some seeds that you’ll maybe have fun with planting and caring for.

He looks through your flat again to see if he missed something and smiles confidently when he doesn’t find anything. He disguises himself as a Midgardian to buy the ingredients necessary for your recipes, before he meets up with Thor and Jane.

“Did you find everything you need?”, she asks. “Yes, I think so. However, I thought I wouldn’t see you again so soon, Lady Jane” Thor laughs at his brother and pulls him to his side, “Jane will join us for a little. We thought Lady Y/n might enjoy to see her again”. Loki thinks about that and nods, “That’s true. Good thinking, brother. I cannot believe I get to see such a miracle with my own eyes” A smirk flashes on the younger god’s face. Thor gracefully ignores the insult and instead hollers for Heimdall to take them back.

The bifrost brings them back safely. “Thor, Loki, Lady Jane, welcome on Asgard”, Heimdall’s voice sounds deep and calm as usual. Thor nods at the gatekeeper and turns to Loki, “Jane and I will go find Lady Y/n. You may execute your wishes in regard of what you have planned for your dame” Loki nods, but cannot help but roll his eyes at his brother. Like he actually needed his permission. He does however pursue his plan.

The sun is already setting when you return to your chamber. You spent the day with Jane and Thor. You missed her greatly and you had a lot of catching up to do, but you had a blast with the couple. However, seeing how loved up they are and how they were always touching or staring into each others eyes made you realize how much you also missed Loki. You shut him out, because you thought you were homesick, but seeing Thor and Jane made you understand that your prince was actually what you missed when you continued to feel worse.

When you enter your bedroom, you expect to see Loki laying on your bed. Instead you see Pongo, your old teddy sitting on his pillow. You smile and hug the toy, when you notice a note on his back. It was sticking to the fur, but you managed to get it off just fine.

My dear Y/n,

I know you have been feeling rather poorly, so I planned this evening to hopefully make you feel better. You are an impeccable woman, my Queen, and whenever something concerns you, I have an insatiable desire to make you feel elated, as you deserve to be. I am the most fortunate man in all the nine realms to have you by my side. If you are willing to see me, find me at your favourite tree in the royal garden.

PS There are some clothes in the wardrobe you might appreciate.

In love,

Loki

You are smiling at the end of his letter and open the wardrobe where you see many of your old clothes, hung neatly next to your Asgardian ones. You change into some comfortable leggings and a comfortable baggy sweater and immediately rush to the magnificent weeping willow near the back of the garden, Pongo secure in your arms. The branches fall gracefully towards the ground and the nearby lake is shimmering in a golden glow. You reach out to move the leaves and step into the secluded area under the tree. A sight you never dreamed of seeing awaits you.

Loki sits on a fluffy blanket, definitely the one your grandma gifted you on Christmas some years ago, a basket is next to him and the air smells of delicious food, it’s familiar, but you can’t point your finger at it. Your boyfriend smiles at you lovingly and stands up to grab your free hand, “My Queen, you made it”

You look him in the eye to try and find an answer, “Loki, what is all this?” He guides you to sit on the blanket and blushes. “You’ve been feeling so low and I could not bear to see you like this, so I may have taken on Fandral’s form to find out how I could console you.” You raise an eyebrow at him and he shrugs with a sheepish smile on his face, “and then Thor and I traveled to Midgard and Jane gave me a key to your old home and I tried to bring you some of your valuables that might make you happy again. You used to e so cheerful and I desire to give you a feeling of elation”

You stare at him blankly. “Y/n, are you alri-”, he starts, but you cut him off with a hug, “That’s so nice of you and a little creepy, for just going through my stuff, but I know you meant well”, you take his face between your face, “but we’ll talk about this later. Now, I just want you to kiss me, my prince”

With your eyes closed you lean in and press your lips to his gently. His cold lips move with yours in sync and his hands move to your hips to pull you closer. You keep the kiss sweet and Loki sighs into the kiss eventually. “I love you, my Queen”, he whispers against your lips. You smile and open your eyes to find him looking at you. Your forehead meets his and you grin, “I love you too, my prince”

After a minute or so, Loki pulls away and takes one of your hand in his larger one and presses a kiss on your wrist, before he turns to the basket, “I hope you’re hungry, my Queen” You try to look into the basket, but Loki’s body blocks your view. After a moment he lays down a veggie lasagna that look suspiciously like your grandfather’s. You gasp and smile brightly.

“You brought my cooking books?” Loki plates two pieces and smiles, “You mentioned you missed the cuisine, so I thought you might enjoy this” You hum and kiss his cheek, “You’re the best”

You silently enjoy the food and being in your boyfriend’s company. You’re still in awe of how much Loki has done to make you feel better. After you finished, Loki takes out your great aunts cheesecake. “So… desert?”, he asks and you gape at him. He puts the cake down and takes out some of your movies, “or do you want to head inside to view one of these?” You open and close your mouth a few times before you grab the basket and look into it.

You find your play station, your Titanic poster, some of your seeds, some family photos and your pressed wool coat. “I also brought your guitar and your perfume”, Loki adds to your discovery. Tears start to pool in your eyes and you throw yourself at him and bury your face into his neck. “Thank you so much, Loki. This means a lot to me”. He hugs you to him and rubs your back softly. “Anything for you, my Queen”

You showed Loki 'The Notebook’ that evening and you both cried a little, not that Loki would admit to it, and now you’re laying on his chest and draw circles into his chest hair. “You know, seeing Jane today and hearing her talk about life back on earth, I realized that I didn’t actually miss earth. I just missed an idealized version of earth.”, you tell your boyfriend. “How do you mean?”

“I guess I started to miss Jane and then I thought about our memories which I then compared to similar things on Asgard. And I guess I just preferred things how I learned them to be, when I actually prefer Asgard. Most people here are kinder and form a community and there’s significantly less hate among the people. I feel right at home here”, you state and look to Loki to gauge his reaction. He smiles.

“I’m happy you feel that way, my queen, but why didn’t you tell me?” You sigh. “When I realized I missed earth I felt so guilty, because you do so much for me and I felt like I was disappointing you. I now realize that my feelings are valid and that I can talk to you. I’m sorry” Loki gently swipes your hair out of your face, “Hey, don’t be sorry for your feelings and acting irrationally because of them. I’ve been there before”, he says which makes you giggle.

“But seriously, please always remember you can talk to me. You are the most important person in my life and I never want to lose you”, he whispers vulnerably. “I promise I’ll talk to you in the future”, you answer and pull him down to kiss you.

“I love you, my Queen”

“I love you too, my prince”

#loki x reader #loki imagine #loki laufeyson imagine #loki x you #loki x y/n #loki fluff #loki angst #reader insert #loki reader insert #loki oneshot #marvel one shot #marvel #y/n #loki laufeyson x you #loki laufeyson x reader #god of mischief #submission

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purplesurveys · 3 years

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1127

1. What is one thing you will never do again? Watch The Hours. Film itself is great, but is way too triggering.

2. Would you rather be twice as smart or twice as happy? I’d take happiness easily. It’s not bad for the most part to make mistakes and I’d rather be too clumsy than be altogether miserable.

3. What happened the last time you cried? It was the day of what would’ve been our anniversary and at that moment I was alone in my car at a parking lot (waiting for the office to open) on a gloomy day. I just had to cry and let my feelings out for like 5 minutes to accept everything but I was immediately fine afterwards, haha. Grief can be funny.

4. What happened the time in your life when you were the most nervous to do something? My first job interview. It was my first adult thing ever. They never got back to me - very professional of them - but I was still grateful for the experience nonetheless.

5. What would your parents be surprised to learn about you? That I was in a whole ass relationship for technically 6 1/2 years. They probably have an inkling by now, but only about me being in a relationship. I’m sure they would be very surprised if they ever found out how long it had actually gone for.

6. What’s your worst habit? I pick at my toenails when I’m nervous or stressed. I tend to do this when I’m doing a work task that I particularly dread, and sometimes I’ll end up being fixated on the habit for like 10 minutes straight and not get anything done.

7. What superpower would you have for one day? Time travel, just to take quick trips to multiple decades and see how life was like during those times.

8. What fictional character do you have the biggest crush on? Matty from 13 Going on 30 would be one of them. Albert Finney’s character in Two for the Road is also charming as fuck.

9. Where would you live if you could live anywhere in the world? If money wasn’t an issue, probably somewhere cozy in like Switzerland or Canada.

10. What is your most bizarre pet peeve? Not necessarily a pet peeve but I get extremely uncomfortable when someone hands me a gift then they insult the gift while in front of me, saying it’s not a great gift or that I probably don’t need it, etc. Filipinos also have this habit of saying something along the lines of, “You earn way more than me so you’d probably think this gift sucks” like how do you want me to react :(((((( I love receiving gifts and the idea of being thought about already means a lot to me, so it just makes me wince a little bit when I hear statements like the above.

11. Who knows you the best? Gabie, probably. I’ve changed a lot since then, though.

12. What after school activities did you do in high school? Clubs were mandatory extracurricular activities in my high school; in my time, I joined the table tennis and yearbook clubs.

13. What “most likely to” superlative would you be most honored to receive? Idk, we didn’t have those in school. I probably would have been honored to get a journalism-themed one though; something like Most Likely To Write for NYT or Most Likely to Win a Pulitzer or something like that. Obviously that’s changed now and I’ve long let go of journalism as a passion.

14. What’s the last book you really loved? I haven’t read in a long, long while.

15. What was the greatest television show of all time? I don’t watch a lot of TV so I’m not the most credible decision-making body for this lol, but out of all the shows I’ve watched the best one would easily be Breaking Bad.

16. What’s been your favorite age so far? 16. Life was insanely easygoing back then and everything fell into place for me at the time.

17. If you could go back in time, what is one piece of advice you would give your younger self? Know when it’s enough. Be kind to yourself.

18. What one thing would you be most disappointed if you never got to experience it? Have kids.

19. Apologize or ask permission? I don’t understand the relationship between the two.

20. Unlimited love or money? I would love to never have to worry about finances ever again.

21. If you knew you would die in one week, what would you do? Take a week-long leave for work, spend all my money, bond with my dogs, throw a party for my closest friends, and honestly, make my peace with her.

22. What’s your most listened to song? Spotify doesn’t show that feature, but I bet it’s from Paramore or Hayley anyway. It would be impossible to know my most-listened to song of all time, like if we took into account my Spotify, iTunes, etc.

23. Beach vacation or European vacation? I need a beach vacation badly, but a European vacation would be a new and different experience. I’d take the latter.

24. If you could have been a child prodigy what would you have wanted to be skilled at? Playing the piano.

25. What’s the first thing you would do if you won the lottery? Depends on how much I won lmao. I’d probably retire this early if the money was big enough since I’m pretty stingy anyway. But generally, I would like to pay off whatever bills my parents are currently paying for, get back the car that we had to sell because of the pandemic, and maybe go for a solo vacation or five heheh.

26. What celebrity would you trade lives with? Kylie Jenner, for a day. Just so I can briefly have a taste of how being that rich is like.

27. If you were a performing artist, what would you title your first album? Nope.

28. What story do your friends still give you crap about? Staying with Gab despite the red flags that glared for four whole years is one of them. Angela will also never let go of that one time I tried some kind of fruit juice in high school and I described it as ‘packs a punch.’ It’s understood as a super Westernized idiom where I live and literally no one uses it in a casual sentence, so it was a hit with her and now we use ‘packs a punch’ whenever we want to describe something awesome or surprising.

29. If earth could only have one condiment for the rest of time, what would you pick to keep around? Mayonnaise and I will die on this mayonnaise-coated hill.

30. What is the ideal number of people to have over on a Friday night? Ideally? At this point? Like 20. I would love for that to be the case on the first Friday we can consider the Philippines COVID-free.

31. What was the worst age you’ve been so far? Sorry for yet another incoming Paramore reference but they literally have a lyric that goes, “22 is like, the worst idea that I have ever had.” Before turning 22 I used to think it was a weird line, like how could 22 possibly be unenjoyable? Now I’m 22 in a pandemic going through a rough breakup and I can’t even see my friends nor work in my first workplace ever.

32. What is your weirdest dealbreaker? If they wanted only cats as pets. I can deal with a dog and a cat, I guess; but cats were never fond of me so I feel like I’d struggle with this situation lol.

33. What fictional character reminds you most of yourself? Mr. Peanutbutterrrrrrr. Has a lot of love to give, doesn’t always use it on the right people. Also lives on pleasing others.

34. Do you believe in karma? Just to a tiny extent, in how I would want people’s awful actions to come bite them in the ass one day. It’s not a philosophy that controls my life and the things I do whatsoever.

35. What was your favorite TV show as a kid? My absolute favorite was Hi-5, with the original cast. As I got older my interests shifted to Spongebob and The Fairly OddParents.

36. What is the weirdest thing you find attractive in a person? I don’t think it’s weird, but I don’t hear thighs too often when people list down their favorite physical traits. It’s certainly one of mine.

37. What Jeopardy! category would you clear, no problem? A Friends-themed one, obviously. This reminds me of the Jeopardy night I had with some friends a few nights ago! That was so much fun, and Andi makes really great and fun questions hahaha.

38. What is something you’re superstitious about? I don’t think I am about anything.

39. What is the scariest experience you have ever had? Maybe that night my grandpa went into a drunk rampage. I was 9, right in his line of sight, frozen and scared shitless, and I didn’t know who he was going to strike next.

40. Who is a non-politician you wish would run for office? I never really think about this. If someone’s a non-politician then there must be a reason they aren’t, lol.

41. What cheesey song do you have memorized? Little Things by One Direction is very cheesy and it’s one of my least favorite songs of theirs, but I still have it memorized out of habit.

42. What one dead person would you most like to have dinner with, if it were possible? My great-grandpa died all the way back in the 70s, even before some of my aunts and uncles could meet him. It would be cool to spend time with him.

43. Do you think it’s important to stay up to date with the news? Yeah, absolutely. I have the stomach for it lol, so I always monitor what’s happening locally and globally. Skipping the news from time to time is fine because I get how anxiety-inducing and depressing some events can be, but there’s a huge difference between ignoring the news for your mental health and being indifferent altogether. I’d immediately judge anyone who’s the latter, and would assume you are incredibly privileged.

44. What is the best present you could ever receive? My money refunded -____________- I had food delivered to my director, Bea’s house as a surprise earlier today, but apparently I ran into a scammer driver and the fucker drove away with the meal I had bought for Bea. I reported the driver and the situation, and thankfully the customer service rep of the food delivery app quickly responded and said they’d return the full amount I paid for; but I still haven’t received it.

45. Would you give up one of your fingers if it meant you’d have free wifi wherever you go, for the rest of your life? No. Mobile data exists for a reason.

46. What’s the first thing you’d do if you were the opposite sex for one day? Check out my voice.

47. If someone told you you could give one person a present and your budget was unlimited–what present would you get and for whom? I’d love to surprise Angela with an overseas trip that would last for like a month. Traveling is one thing we have yet to do as best friends.

48. What is the nicest thing someone could say about you? Nothing particular, but it makes me happy when people call me strong and when they validate the shit I’ve gone through over the years.

49. Giant house in a subdivision or tiny house somewhere with a view? I would take the giant house. When it comes to my own place, I would want to have a lot of space to roam around.

50. What is the weirdest quirk your family has? Nothing is coming to mind.

#surveys #survey

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mickies-amadwoman · 4 years

Text

Hello everyone,

First off, I’d like to introduce myself as this is a new tumblr I made. My name is Mickie (they/them), I’m 24 years old and I love all things Taylor Swift, dogs, and Disney Pixar. For as long as I can remember I’ve connected to Taylor on a level I always convinced myself wasn’t possible. I am an abuse survivor and due to that pain, I went to her to survive. From the age of 10 years old, most of my positive memories were and are still associated with Taylor. To start this off on a positive note, let me show you some photos of me in my happiest of places, anything involving Taylor.

I sadly have no photos of me at The Fearless Tour so here is one I took on the 10 year anniversary of Fearless coming out.

Speak Now World Tour:

Red Tour:

1989 World Tour:

rep tour:

Release of Lover:

Wango Tango:

Now here’s the hard part...I’m terrified to do this because one thing that’s really really hard for me is asking for help.....but here I go anyway because Taylor taught me that being fearless isn’t being unafraid, it’s being terrified and jumping anyway.

I have an eating disorder and have struggled with it for the past 15 years. One that’s almost killed me too many times. On June 1st of this year, I admitted into a residential treatment program for my eating disorder and other chronic mental health issues including bipolar disorder and C-PTSD. I stepped down to partial hospitalization two weeks ago and today my insurance decided to no longer pay for my care because “my labs are now normal and I’m medically stable enough” to go down to intensive outpatient. Here’s the thing, I’d be okay with that if it weren’t for some other factors in my life right now that make that impossible. I’m homeless and have absolutely no way to make IOP a possibility because due to covid, everything’s gone virtual. With that happening, I’d need a place to stay with a computer and WiFi. With less than 24 hours notice, that’s pretty much an impossible task. I’m also nowhere near ready to step down as I’m still struggling with behavior use, self harm, and a lot of trauma responses. My team at program is very angry and is trying to fight for me to get the care I need but it’s seeming very hopeless at this point. My insurance company told my psychiatrist to not even try doing an appeal because they’re gonna say no anyway. How is this ethical? It’s not. What it is though is inhumane and unsafe. During my stay in PHP I had access to apartments to live in while going to program 11 hours a day, 7 days a week. However, those are no longer available to me because they don’t offer them in lower levels of care. I’m not trying to be negative but I know myself rather well and I know for sure I will not survive another relapse. My body won’t be able to handle it again. If it’s illegal to evict someone during a global pandemic, how is it okay to discharge me without a place to live or a team I can work with? That’s literally killing me. My life is not a monetary value, IT’S A LIFE and I deserve a real shot at getting better. So I’ve hit a point of self realization where I KNOW exactly where I need to be. I need to stay in partial hospitalization. So here’s me being very vulnerable and asking for your help. Please please reblong this is and if that’s all you’re capable of, that’s enough. I’m hoping that people can help me in some way, whether that be big or small. I am asking for support in this journey that I’ve been battling my whole life so I can change my entire family dynamic and my future. I want to be a Mom, I wanna see all the sunsets and every Pixar movie that comes out. I want to see everything Taylor does in her future too but I’m telling you that won’t happen if I have to leave treatment right now. I want to travel and see broadway musicals. I want a life worth living for the first time in 24 years. Treatment is very expensive and I have no way of paying for it out of pocket. I’m trying to stay hopeful and remind myself that I will get through this but to be 100% I’m terrified. I’m so scared that I’ll leave and since I’ll have nowhere to go and no way to buy food, my eating disorder will take control of me once again. I am sick of being sick...and I’m willing to do anything to finally be free from this debilitating disorder but I don’t think I can do it alone....in fact, I know I can’t do it alone. I need support in any way you can give it. If you read this whole thing, thank you. I appreciate you more than you know.

#taylor swift #swifties #folklore #taylor nation #Spotify

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sea-salted-wolverine · 4 years

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Okay so last week was a shitkicker and was literally so bad I spent the better part of the week trying to delude myself into thinking it was a good day. Like, we're talking, "the sun is shining and I'm here to see it so today is a good day" and "I'm having a bad day- fuck me I am not haveing a bad day- I'm having a good day- I'm not having a bad day". Denial is a powerful tool for mental health, apply judiciously. I get that everyone on earth is kinda having a shitty year but it feels like things just kinda escalated in my little corner

The 7th had a huge snow storm that brought traffic to a stand still. No one could leave the house and university class was online anyway. Batshit customer demanded to pick up her gear anyway. I drove in because I was the only person with keys to the shop that could get to the building. It took me a solid 2 hours going 15mph on the highway. The snow in the parking lot was up past the fenders of my truck. Crazy lady gets 10 out of 18 of her survival suits back but the other 8 still have holes in them because our only repair tech is also the only one who answers the phone or runs the computer or handles customers or cleans or disinfects anything or stores gear. I'll give you one guess who that person is.

Did you guess me? Good for you. Fun fact this was not the case in October.

Crazy lady swans off through the snowed in parking lot and because she cant find the exit, blasts straight through the ditch and onto the road.

I say fuck it and leave. I've been at work for 2 hours. I have made 24 dollars for my trouble. It takes me another hour to get home.

The 8th is Saturday and I'm supposed to be at work. No one can drive. There was another 10 8nches of snow last night. I say fuck work and go to dig out the plow truck. The canopy over the plow truck collapses as I walk out to clear the snow of it.

I do not scream.

My partner and I get the truck running and go plow people out of their driveways and then go do the shop.

We come back home and the heater doesn't work. We just spent most of last week frantically trying to limp the thing along because no heat at -20°F is in a word fucking unpleasant. At least now its 40 degrees warmer because if the snowstorm. We take it apart again. The house smells like diesel. The house smells like exhaust. The house is not cold because the wood stove can keep up at 20 above zero but it won't keep us through the winter.

There is no saving the oil heater. We need a new one.

Its 730 and neither of us have eaten. I start rice in the pressure cooker so I can throw a tasty bite on top and call it dinner and that dies too. Explosively.

Dinner is half cooked rice and microwaved curry.

Sunday is spent finding a way to stretch our increasingly thin budget to buy a new heater. Between us we actually have 2275$ and we will still cover the mortgage. Somehow. All our Christmas gifts will be hand made this year. The next thing that breaks will stay broken.

Monday, power outages due to snow storm. No wifi, no zoom meetings. Another 8 inches of snow. This is now more snow than my city gets for the full year.

My boss calls sobbing. The dog died. Joey, an 11 year old, 130lb mastiff with a tumor the size of a football on his liver has been her constant companion for at least 8 years. The pandemic has confused the bejesus out of him because while he loves the lock down and going out to play every hour or so he doesnt really like the concept of strangers in masks. Hes a guard dog and doesnt understand that men in masks coming into the shop are not here to kill mom they're wearing masks so they don't kill mom.

Mondays the shop is closed anyway and I spend it installing the new heater. It doesn't quite fit in the space the old heater came out of but its warm.

Tuesday, I go to work, everyone cancels class, I once again gently explain to a regular that eugenics is bad. I would like to curse him out. I cant. He drops a grand on scuba gear and leaves, talking about how great his trip to Mexico will be.

I do not scream.

A friend calls to ask how I'm doing. Not great. Yea, her niether. She asks if I want to go out to the backcountry with her over the weekend. I explain that my leg physically does not move and I'm downing copious amounts of advil to remain upright. The doctor sent me in for an MRI but has not yet called back. Plus I'm supposed to go to Valdez for the weekend and actually go diving. That I can do with limited use of my leg.

She says yikes, take it easy, take care of yourself, I love you.

I say, yikes, I'm tired of taking it easy, I wanna play, I love you too.

Hit me up if your plans open up and we can do something gentle on your leg. She says.

God yes. The cold woods away from people sounds like paradise. I dont even care that it will cause me rending physical pain to get there. I need a break.

Its Wednesday. I go to school. I get pulled over. Miraculously I dont get a ticket. I'm white female and conventionaly attractive, maybe not so miraculous. I rolled through a stop sign but I'm pretty sure I couldn't afford a ticket.

I get a text in class. One of the instructors who works with the dive shop has tested positive for covid. I haven't seen the man in 2 months. I needed a spare instructor but he was nowhere to be found. But hey, evidently that's a good thing.

I go to work. I vacillate between doing the job a 4 people and having nothing to do.

I go to the grocery store because I misjudged my last monthly grocery run and even though I'm increasing my exposure I'm out of cheese and tea damnit.

The store is packed. Pandemic who?

My partner and I haven't had a date nite in a while and this week has been shitty. I want a nice dinner. I pick up a couple boxes of the carton sushi which isnt terrible and is about as nice as I can justify on the new budget. I grab a gallon of milk and a few other things. I forgot my wallet in the truck and the cashier is chill and sets my stuff aside while I grab it.

I pay and take my stuff home and realize I left one of my bags at the store. No cheese or tea for me.

Thursday. 10am my phone goes off with an emergency alert. The govoner has grown a spine in light of recent elections and is instituting a voluntary lock down. My state has 500 new cases a day. That might not sound like a lot but theres only 300,000 people in Alaska and we've got poor medical infrastructure.

Unfortunately Alaska is full of Alaskans and nobody can tell us what to do. Nothing changes. 7pm rolls around and I'm teaching scuba classes in the pool.

I load a few hundred pounds of scuba gear into the back of my truck. In a wet wetsuit. In the snow. In a fabric facemask. 6 feet apart. In the pool.

I dont get paid for pool time.

Over the summer we had 6 dive masters including me, all big burly dudes, much better suited to picking things up. Its November and I'm the only one.

The kids I'm teaching are going to Hawaii. They're 10 and 13 and so wildly excited about breathing underwater its beautiful to watch. And they're traveling to an island. In a pandemic.

Friday.

Unload scuba gear so it doesnt get stolen out of the back of my truck while I'm at class. Were doing a make up lab today. Hey of the five student in my class only one of us has covid so theres that.

My boss calls an let's me know that shes left for Valdez without me. If I'd like to make an 8 hour drive by myself in a snowstorm I'm welcome to follow.

I'm in class till an hour before shop closing. I'm not driving across town so I can run on the open sign for half an hour.

The shop stays closed on Friday.

Saturday.

I explained to everyone we had business with that the shop would be closed over the weekend and Friday. I planned on being in Valdez. Hell I canceled plans to be in Valdez.

I open the shop and immediately field calls about why we werent open. I start to explain about the Valdez trip and logistical difficulties and then I realize that shes not mad about that. The woman was here before I opened early this morning. We have never been open that early. The hours are on the door.

A regular comes in. Hes also confused as to why I'm here.

Sunday finds me curled up in bed, reluctant to leave. Getting out of bed has not played out well for me recently.

A friend comes over to chat with my partner about specialist rifle parts. This isnt that wierd, he works at a gun shop and they've been discussing upgrading my partners current rifle set up.

He is wearing a full Scottish kilt. Red tartan. Looks very lovely.

I make zucchini bread and my proportions are a little off because I have too much zucchini so it's a little over moist but it's good. I'm recovering from an asskicker of a week and next week will be better.

Monday morning:

Baby brother has covid

Dads getting the results of his rapid test tonight.

Mom isnt getting tested because she says she doesnt have symptoms but that's not the fucking point mom.

So, I'm not going home for thanksgiving. I'm not diving in Valdez. I'm not skiing backcountry.

I'm not sick. I'm not flat broke yet. I dont have a ticket. I have a job. I have people who care about me. Im managing my physical and mental health as best I can. Im just fucking exhausted.

#vent post #writing #holy fuuuuuck #2020

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quinnybee-writes · 4 years

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Title: Fire Meet Gasoline

Fandom: Boku no Hero Academia/My Hero Academia

Rating: T+

Part: 3/?

Story Summary: A chance encounter between a villain and vigilante leads to an unwise deal made between unlikely allies; an unwise deal made between unlikely allies ends in a final stand neither would have ever dared to take on alone. Together, though, they just might have a fighting chance.

Part 3 Summary: Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, and thrice is just a big headache for everyone involved.

Part 1 on Tumblr / AO3

Part 2 on Tumblr / AO3

Part 3 on AO3

Hizashi gave the IT intern a tight but friendly smile as she waved to him before going to check on the status of the server migration. He hated having to do delicate research like this at work; every time one of his coworkers needed something in the room he shared with the server banks he couldn’t help jumping to attention, his hand poised on the lid of his laptop to snap it shut if they wandered too close. The cover it provided him was mostly worth the anxiety, however. A single IP using a VPN in the middle of an apartment block full of unsecured cable company wifi signals was suspicious; another VPN added to the tangle of secure signals emanating from a tech-heavy operation like a radio station was just another Tuesday. Hizashi waited for the intern to finish her checks before going back to what he’d been looking at before he was interrupted.

As far as he was able to find in the HR filings for Solo-Falcon Deliveries they only had one employee named Aizawa, first name Shouta. The photo that accompanied the digitized CV was younger-looking but the man was recognizable nonetheless; same perpetual look of knowing what a hairbrush was in concept but no evidence of him owning one, same dour, “are we done yet?” expression in his dark eyes. Said CV was as barebones as Hizashi had ever seen: eight years at Solo-Falcon Deliveries preceded by a plethora of short term post-middle school jobs; school transcripts from a dozen different private tutors that came to a sudden stop at the end of middle school. His permanent residence had been the same for as long as Aizawa had been working, cosigned by an adult family member with the stipulation that the lease would pass to Aizawa when he turned eighteen. As far as Hizashi could tell Shouta Aizawa had popped out of nothingness as a poe-faced fifteen-year-old looking for a job.

Trying to get any answers out of social media was equally fruitless. Retracing Aizawa’s online steps revealed a ghost town of abandoned accounts in his wake, all following the same pattern of non-use. He would sign up for a new platform, friend or follow one or two other accounts, make half a dozen posts over the course of about a year, then drop it completely without bothering to deactivate or delete. The posts were all the kind of non-entities one could expect out of someone who wasn’t expecting to stick around for very long. Even on the accounts he’d used the most they mostly consisted of inoffensive comments about the weather or work and slightly blurry cell phone pictures of cats.

Even the government seemed to have no luck in catching ahold of Aizawa longer than the time it took to confirm his address, collect his taxes, and send him back on his way. According to his Quirk registration, Aizawa had been something of an early bloomer, developing his nullification power before he even hit kindergarten and being switched from public schooling to private education soon afterwards for reasons of “health concerns”. Elementary and middle school records matched the near-yearly swapping of home tutors from his CV, but Hizashi noticed with interest that there was one massive omission between the two. Several records back in the Quirk registry’s access history was a request from the registrar of UA High School to confirm Aizawa’s personal and Quirk information. Raising an eyebrow Hizashi flipped back to Aizawa’s schooling history and found a perfunctory footnote at the bottom of the file: UA High School registration Apr 2004-Nov 2004; file sealed per subject request. Nothing else was said, just that short “by the way” on a digital post-it note before going on to document the work history and financial filings Hizashi already knew about.

Either Aizawa was some kind of subterfuge wunderkind or he really was just this disconnected. Hizashi sighed and leaned back in his chair, turning that over in his mind. A sealed UA record was as tantalizing a morsel of intrigue as you could ask for, but he wasn’t arrogant enough to think he could go up against a security system as ironclad as theirs with nothing but a masked IP and an undeniable curiosity. There were favors he could call in, Hizashi supposed, people he could ask. Said people would want something equally backbreaking in return as insurance on their investments but that could be relegated to a date far in the future where he had the information in hand and could gauge its actual worth for himself.

Before he had time to start flipping through his mental address book, however, he was interrupted by a buzzing from his cell phone. The display showed an unlisted number being forwarded through his “business line”, a landline he’d had installed in a condemned fast food restaurant on the far edge of the city. Hizashi glanced at his door to make sure it was fully shut before swiping to accept the call.

“Mmn,” he muttered by way of greeting. There was a click, and an automated voice on the other end began to speak in choppy, text-to-speech sentences.

“Bird. Seguchi. Your backdoor into the Hero Registry failed.” Hizashi rolled his eyes. Of course he was the problem, it couldn’t possibly be that Seguchi's client was incompetant. “You owe me a workable solution, do it right this time. Meet tonight at nine sharp, no later. Directions to follow.” The message barked out the address and Hizashi scribbled it disinterestedly onto the back of an envelope. It looked like his pet project would have to take a backseat for something more pressing but way less interesting, he thought with a disappointed sigh.

Biting back a curse, Shouta stared daggers at the bland error box telling him he didn’t have the proper access clearance for the files he needed. He’d spent most of the morning trying to fake the new set of credentials the police database was requiring to view the updated version of the Mockingbird dossier. The security had never been what you could call lax, but the newest version required both the highest clearance level Shouta had ever seen as well as a password that from what he’d been able to glean was just a long randomly-generated string of characters that maxed out the number of available spaces. He gritted his teeth and decided the building headache at the back of his skull was telling him he needed to switch to something a little less frustrating, though such things felt thin on the ground at the moment.

Trying to reconcile the comings and goings of Hizashi Yamada with the known Mockingbird incidents was proving to be an exercise in futility. Yamada didn’t necessarily have an alibi for every time Mockingbird had been sighted in the act, but there was also no real reason for anyone to suspect him of needing one. Mockingbird was a serial offender with a list of potential charges that took up several single-spaced pages in his police file; Hizashi Yamada was the well-known and well-loved operations manager and late night host for a radio station that while not the biggest or wealthiest was far from needing any kind of criminal boost. The only link between the two was Yamada’s oft-abused Quirk, but even that information was a double-edged sword at best. The police had been smart enough to keep the press away from the more sensitive details of the Mockingbird case to avoid copycats and false reports but no one knowing the connection was possible left Shouta shouting into the void. If he went as a civilian witness to the police, he would have to think of a very good lie for how he knew Mockingbird’s M.O. but hadn’t gone to them before now; if he went to them as an admitted vigilante, they might take his report more seriously but he’d end up in handcuffs right next to Yamada. As with most things he’d have to go into this on his own, something that would be a much simpler undertaking if he wasn’t being actively locked out of the information he needed to do so.

“Computer trouble?” a voice above him asked. Shouta jumped, causing the large ginger cat in his lap to grumble and dig its claws into his thighs in retaliation. He gave the cat an apologetic pat on the head and looked up to see one of the cat cafe’s servers standing next to his table.

“Uh, no. It’s just old. Doesn’t like to load,” Shouta lied, swapping screens as casually as he could. The server nodded with a sympathetic smile.

“I getcha,” she said. “It’s such a pain when they still work but they’re too old to really do the work. Our whole register system is older than I am but we can’t get the old workhorse to give up the ghost and let us replace her.” She chuckled, shrugging. “Did you want a refill on that coffee?” she added, pointing to Shouta’s half-full cup that had gone cold long ago.

“Sure, thanks. One sugar, no milk,” Shouta said. He scratched the cat in his lap behind the ears until the server was safely back behind the counter putting his order in before switching back to his other window.

The page had blacked out, the error message now telling him that his session had expired and would not be renewed. He tried closing his browser and restarting it, but the window instantly dimmed and let him know that his session was well and truly dead for today. Shouta wondered if this was a new protocol being rolled out across the board or if he wasn’t the only one they were having to lock out. If the same gap in the digital fence was being used by someone with less scrupulous intents, Shouta supposed he couldn’t entirely begrudge the police for fixing the fault and adding a less easily manipulated system. Trying to channel his frustration into a more helpful direction, Shouta opened the spreadsheet he’d been using to build a Mockingbird timeline and added what scraps of new information he’d been able to screenshot. He highlighted the long periods of silence and typed each time period and Yamada’s name into individual browser tabs.

Hizashi Yamada was as easy to track as Mockingbird was impossible to pin down. Yamada put a lot of effort into propagating his breezy, unbothered persona, but seemed to put just as much into being a diligent employee; the gaps Shouta had found in Mockingbird’s movements didn’t generate so much as a sick day for Yamada. Shouta supposed if you weren’t actively looking for irregularities the lack of them wouldn’t have sparked interest, but to him it was both unnatural and damning. There had to be a weak spot somewhere, Shouta thought. Absurdly careful was one thing, but perfect was something else entirely. He had a suspicion that there was information in the locked sections of Mockingbird’s dossier that would mean nothing to the police without knowing Yamada’s civilian movements but would be the key to getting the upper hand on him for Shouta. But getting in there for a better look around would take time, and with his afternoon delivery shift fast approaching time was not something he had in excess. Another day with better luck, Shouta thought, saving what little progress he’d made and shutting his laptop.

Hebiko, Seguchi’s second in command and high-ranking candidate for Hizashi’s least favorite person on the planet, was waiting for him under the awning of the burned-out corner shop they were supposed to meet at. Hizashi groaned internally at the sight of her, fighting the urge to turn on his heel and cut his losses. Instead he raised a hand in greeting.

“Nice weather for it,” he said.

Hebiko fixed him with an unblinking stare and an emotionless smile. “It’s been a while, Bird,” she said, extending a hand to him like she expected him to shake it. Vivid memories of falling for the ploy and being subjected to the tetanus-like paralysis of her Snakebite Quirk the first time they’d met made Hizashi’s hands reflexively clench into fists. He meaningfully tucked his hands into his jeans pockets and looked around.

“Is your boss planning on joining us, or did he decide the B-team could handle this one on their own?” he asked.

“He had a more important appointment to keep,” Hebiko replied. Her smile widened without gaining so much as a scrap of good will. Hizashi was tempted to point out that Seguchi had thought this was important enough to call him out in the middle of a weekday evening, but his desire to get this over with before all of the good takeout places closed won out.

“His prerogative,” Hizashi said instead, shrugging. “Shall we, then?”

“After you,” Hebiko said, gesturing down the narrow alley between this building and the next. “We’re parked a street up from here,” Hebiko added when Hizashi didn’t move. “It’ll be easier to just cut through here.”

Hizashi scraped together the waning scraps of his patience, reminding himself that there was a takeaway curry and a quiet night at home with his cat on the other end of this nonsense, and headed up the alley where she was pointing.

“Good work today!” Shouta’s manager called over his shoulder as he left the employee changing room. Shouta’s two remaining coworkers called it back to him over the clang of closing lockers. Shouta muttered a vague reply a little too late, his mind already turning to what he had planned for after work.

With a last-minute change in the schedule he had somehow escaped an early shift tomorrow morning after tonight’s late shift, which meant he had until tomorrow afternoon to sleep and eat and all of the other things he usually had to cram into the few hours between clocking out and clocking back in. His heart ached to get out and stretch his legs on a long patrol, missing the routine in the wake of his recent garbage schedule. His head knew better, though. The late hour would mean fewer personnel working at police central intelligence, which would mean fewer eyes on what files were being accessed and by whom, and his newly-opened timetable would mean plenty of time to figure out what he was supposed to do about the lock on the Mockingbird dossier.

Shouta threw his bag over his shoulders, bidding his coworkers a hasty good night and walking quickly out the door before anything had time to interrupt his plans for the evening.

Hebiko followed at a distance that felt both too close and uncomfortably distant, her footsteps almost purposefully off-beat from his own. Hizashi opened his mouth to invite her to stop being such a stalker and just walk next to him, but instead found himself being slammed sideways into the alley wall by something that exploded out of a garbage bag next to a nearby dumpster. Hizashi staggered, breath catching short and sharp in his throat from the hit. Hebiko’s foot shot out from behind him, dead-legging him into an awkward half-crouch on the pavement. Hizashi looked up to see Takeshiro, one of Hebiko’s favorite minions, hopping out of the dumpster. The garbage bag that had assaulted him rustled and squirmed as a thick tangle of dessicated vegetable cuttings slithered out and stood ready by Takeshiro’s side. Hizashi choked back a gag at the smell of it, working to keep his face unconcerned.

“I feel like you might have taken that B-team comment from earlier a little too personally,” he said, the words coming out in a pained wheeze. For the first time Hebiko’s smile held actual mirth and Hizashi deeply regretted the development.

“You’ve been pissing a lot of people off lately, Bird,” Hebiko said.

“Including your boss, apparently,” Hizashi agreed. He pivoted on his toes and tried to keep his eyes on both of them as he straightened up. “He must be pretty irritated to send his pets to do his wet work without coming along to gloat.”

Takeshiro’s plant weapon struck out at him again, sending Hizashi skittering sideways to avoid it. Hizashi gritted his teeth. Hebiko and Takeshiro were each blocking an open end of the alley, closing ranks around him along with Takeshiro’s plant. The only other potential exit he had was a fire escape above the dumpster Takeshiro had crawled out of. If he could keep them distracted long enough to dart through and scramble up the escape there was a chance he could make it out of this in one fresh-scented fully mobile piece. He thought of the extendable police baton hidden in the holster sewn into the back of his jacket but decided it was better to keep it as a last resort. There was no point in escalating a situation already at the snapping point if he could find another way out of it.

“The boss doesn’t know you’re here,” Hebiko said coolly. “The cops caught him trying to get through the Hero Registry’s security net last week using the instructions he got from you. He’s been in custody ever since.”

“Sounds like user error to me,” Hizashi replied, “since the information wasn’t for him in the first place. Does he go through other people’s mail too?”

“That’s really cute coming from someone who makes a living out of digging in digital garbage looking for things to sell,” Hebiko snapped.

“Ooh, really hitting me where it hurts,” Hizashi said. He put on the biggest, fakest grin he could muster, putting a hand to his chest in mock offense. Hebiko’s eyes narrowed, her hands flexing at her sides like she was trying to resist the urge to throttle him. Takeshiro’s plant weapon was starting to twitch and writhe at Takeshiro’s side, belying the man’s outward straightfaced patience. His strategy was panning out for the moment, and hopefully a moment was all he would need.

“We’re about to find a few more places for it to hurt,” Hebiko said, lips curling back from her teeth in a cold smirk.

“Thanks but no thanks.”

Seizing his chance, Hizashi caught Hebiko hard in the jaw with a surprise right hook. She stumbled back a step before coming towards him with an open-palmed strike of her own, ready to freeze him where he stood. Hizashi managed to avoid it just in time, hooking his foot around the back of her knee and sweeping it out from under her. He felt a hand grab him by the back of the jacket and yank him back several steps, nearly taking him off his feet as well. Hizashi twisted sharply towards Takeshiro, forcing the man to loosen his grip just long enough for Hizashi to duck away. He made it all the way up onto the lip of the dumpster and felt his fingers brush the ladder to the fire escape before something grabbed him around the waist and pulled him hard down onto hands and knees on the pavement. Hizashi yelped as pain crackled through his shins and forearms. Before he had time to recover he felt a hand snatch his sweatshirt’s hood off of his head, followed by Hebiko’s sharp fingers digging into the back of his neck. Instantly his body went rigid, joints locking painfully together against his will.

“This is why I hate birds,” Hebiko said, her voice mockingly conversational in Hizashi’s ear. “Whenever things get a little intense, they try to flit away before you get to have any fun with them.”

Without any warning Hebiko grabbed him by the hair and jerked his head forward, slamming it with all her strength into the steel side of the dumpster. Hizashi went limp, the fading paralysis replaced by a dazed ringing in his ears and an unstrung feeling throughout his limbs. He struggled to keep himself awake as black static overtook his vision. Distantly Hizashi could feel hands turning him over and working to pick him up. He heard a second metallic clang, followed by Hebiko snapping something to Takeshiro at the far end of the sludge his brain was sinking into. Before he could make any sense out of any of it, he’d drifted too deep and everything was dark buzzing silence in his head.

Shouta had been trying his best to keep his head down and his eyes on the goal of getting home, but the instant he’d seen the two of them he knew there was going to be trouble. The street was mostly empty and the few people who were out were in motion, leaving jobs or late-night restaurants and heading to wherever they were going after that. The two under the awning, however, were just standing there, carefully keeping to the little bit of shadow the scraps of ripped canvas still cast over the sidewalk. Shouta slowed, pulling his hood up to make it slightly less obvious that he was watching them. One of the figures was tall and skinny with a sharp silhouette, the other at least a foot shorter with unnaturally stiff posture. They talked for a moment before the shorter one waved the taller into the nearby alleyway. Shouta’s eyes narrowed. Never a good sign. He unsnapped the pocket he’d sewn into the shoulder strap of his bag, pulling out one of the bolases he’d stowed there for emergencies. Tucking it tightly into his palm he approached the mouth of the alley. A quick check of the sidewalk confirmed no one else seemed to have noticed him or the two he was following, so Shouta edged up on the corner of the building and peered down the alley.

A third, stockier figured had joined the group from somewhere in the time it took him to approach; they and the short one had closed ranks around the tall one to prevent any potential escape. Shouta dropped into a crouch as he rounded the corner, scuffing his feet over the ground to keep his steps quiet. The group was too far away for Shouta to tell what they were saying, but the conversation seemed to turn sour very quickly. Shouta only managed a few steps towards them before whatever was said triggered a short, dirty fight and the attempt at a quick exit by the tall one via a nearby fire escape. Something fast and tentacle-like caught them around the waist before they made it and dragged them back down. A moment later the short one had them by the back of them neck and slammed them head-first into the side of the dumpster with a sickening clang of skull on metal that echoed out in the otherwise muted night. The tall figure lolled sidewise, dropping senseless onto the ground and for a moment Shouta thought the other two were just going to leave them there. Worse plans were being made, it seemed, as instead the two still standing worked together to roll the unconscious third over and the stocky one made to throw them over their shoulder.

As quickly as he could, Shouta spun the bolas in his hand and threw it at the stocky figure as they bent over. Just shy of wrapping around them, however, the tentacle thing reared up again and slapped the bolas aside. It wrapped uselessly around the bottom of the fire escape ladder with a metallic snap and both of the standing figures turned to see Shouta where he had broken his cover. He pulled another spare bolas out and started it spinning as he rushed them.

“Forget it, get to the car!” the shorter figure commanded the stocky one as they made a move to grab the unconscious figure again. Sprinting away, they made a cursory attempt at tripping Shouta with the tentacle thing, but the swipe swung wide and the tentacle melted into a glob of rotting vegetables as he darted past. The second bolas flew straight, but the two of them had a big enough head start on their side that it dropped and skidded along the ground at their heels without making contact. They had already ducked into a nondescript black sedan and were pulling into traffic by the time Shouta reached the other end of the alley. Shouta pulled his phone out of his pocket and just managed to get a photo of the back of their car. He realized too late that the car didn’t have any plates. Muttering a sharp curse under his breath, Shouta turned and walked back to where they had abandoned the body.

A cold, dawning recognition began to spread in the pit of his stomach as he approached. The figure lay face-down on the concrete where it had been dropped, a spill of long blond hair falling over the collar of a familiar feathered leather jacket. Gently turning the body over confirmed his worst suspicion. Mockingbird’s mask now sported a jagged crack along the top and was streaked with blood from where it had cut into his forehead when his head slammed into the dumpster. Under the blood he looked unpleasantly pale in the dim alley light. His eyelids flickered and he let out a small moaning breath as Shouta put two fingers to his neck to confirm there was a pulse. Not dead, Shouta confirmed with a tight grimace, just knocked out.

Shouta sat back on his heels, brain speeding off in opposite directions at the same time. He knew he was duty-bound to find the nearest patrolling officer or hero and turn Mockingbird in; it was the only good ending for the situation, even if his accomplices had managed to get away. Then again, those “accomplices” had knocked Mockingbird out and for all intents and purposes left him for dead. Whatever had gone south between them, Mockingbird had ended up a victim of it in the end. It seemed unfair somehow for him to get turned over to law enforcement when what he needed was help, like adding insult to injury. A police siren rang out on the street Shouta had followed Mockingbird and the others off of, making Shouta jump. He didn’t have time to debate it. Before better instincts could kick in, he shuffled off his bag and opened the farthest-back compression pocket.

“Sorry about this,” Shouta muttered. Working quickly, he stripped off Mockingbird’s mask and jacket, stuffing them into his bag. Mockingbird was wearing a piece of homemade gear around his neck, partially hidden by the neckline of his hoodie. It looked like a series of spare audio parts wired into a tight collar; long wires stretched down under his sleeves to controls strapped to the palms of his hands under his gloves. The sirens were getting uncomfortably close as Shouta tried to find a way to get it off of him. Finally he just took each side of a join in one hand and yanked, pulling all of the wires free and and shoving the whole contraption in his bag as well. He managed to get everything strapped flat and his bag back over his shoulders as blue and red lights announced the approach of the police. Taking a deep breath and turning his gut-level panic into an expression of concern, Shouta half-jogged out of the alley to meet them.

“Hey! Hey over here, I think he needs help!” Shouta shouted, waving his arms to flag the car down.

The next hour was a hazy blur of trying to keep his story straight for every cop he had to repeat it to, from the scene to the ambulance to a private conference room at the hospital. He had been on his way home from work, he said in increasing tones of weariness, and he heard what he thought was a fight in the alley as he passed by. He tried to step in after the muggers threw Yamada against the dumpster, but they ran off before he could get a good look at them. No, he didn’t really know Yamada, he just recognized him from a delivery he’d made. No, he wasn’t the one who made the initial call to the police, he had been trying to check if Yamada was dead or just unconscious. No, he didn’t have any additional information, he had honestly just been in the right place at the right time. Each time the police seemed to get a little less interested in him, turning their attention to questioning Yamada when the doctors were done running tests. Finally they thanked him for his time and Shouta was allowed to sit by himself in the waiting room and catch his breath.

Every single part of him felt like it was trying to fistfight every other part, but his head was winning the pain battle by a longshot. Hizashi opened his eyes and immediately shut them again with a sharp grunt of pain as white fluorescent lights burned into his skull. He tried again more slowly, squinting his eyes open in slow shifts to let them adjust. A hospital room came into focus bit by bit.. His jacket and gear were gone and his feet were bare. He could see a doctor and nurse standing a few feet away, talking to a uniformed officer. All of them seemed relatively relaxed, considering where they were. There was an uneasy feeling of Wrongness about the situation, but before he had time to dwell on it, the three of them noticed he was awake and came to stand around his bed.

“‘M I under arrest?” Hizashi mumbled. It wasn’t the best opener, but putting thoughts into words and having them stay in the right order was proving to be a challenge right now.

“Nothing so drastic, Mr. Yamada,” the doctor said, smiling at the perceived joke. “Officer Fujiwara is just here to take a statement about what happened to you tonight after we run a few tests to make sure everything’s shipshape up here,” she added, tapping her own temple with an index finger.

“Okay,” Hizashi said slowly. The time delay between ears and brain was slowly shortening, but somehow that wasn’t helping things make sense. He wasn’t being detained (yet), and they’d called him Yamada, which seemed to imply better things than he had expected. How that better outcome had happened was still up for debate but he was more than willing to let it ride for the moment.

The doctor introduced herself as Dr. Watanabe before going through the usual battery of post-concussion memory and comprehension tests that a childhood spent roughhousing with four siblings had turned into second nature for Hizashi. Slowly but surely as they spoke Hizashi’s brain clicked up through the gears until he was mostly running on all cylinders. He kept the conversation going as they wheeled him out of the room for a quick brain scan and then back in once it was done. Too soon, however, came the moment when he had to explain himself to the police.

“I understand things may be a little bit confused at the moment,” Officer Fujiwara began, cutting off Hizashi’s excuse before he could even make it. “We can fill in the more minor details at a later date as they come back to you. For right now, just tell me what you remember.”

Hizashi hesitated, trying to come up with a story that was both plausible and matched enough of the details that it wouldn’t come back to bite him later. “Uh. I was out walking,” he started, trying to get his feet under himself as he spoke. “There’s a takeout place I like, but it’s on the other side of town from my apartment so I don’t go there much unless I’m working late.”

“Understandable. Where is it that you work, Mr. Yamada?” Officer Fujiwara asked.

“Asahi Radio. I manage operations and fill in when our hosts are out. I had some paperwork to finish up, so I stayed late tonight.” Nice, neat, normal little life, Hizashi thought, willing her to buy the excuse. Officer Fujiwara made no indication that she did or didn’t believe it. Instead she just nodded and scribbled down shorthand on her notepad, motioning for him to go on. “I was trying to get home before it got too late, so I took a shortcut to the restaurant, but…” Hizashi trailed off, stiffly shaking his head. “I don’t know. It gets kind of jumbled after that.”

“I see. Do you remember seeing or hearing anything out of the ordinary while you were walking? Anyone suspicious, anyone seeming like they were following you?” Officer Fujiwara asked. Hizashi shook his head.

“No, but I wasn’t really looking I guess. Too distracted by my stomach,” Hizashi replied, cracking a smile at his own joke. Officer Fujiwara gave him a thin smile.

“Anything else you can remember?” she asked. Hizashi pretended to think. Trying to remember things in the order that they had happened after Hebiko had hit him with her Snakebite was genuinely difficult and added a touch of realism to his stymied expression.

“Sorry, no,” he said.

“Not a problem, Mr. Yamada. Here’s my card, and one for my immediate superior,” Officer Fujiwara said, handing him a pair of business cards. “If anything comes to mind later, please feel free to give us a call and let us know.”

Hizashi thanked her and accepted the cards, giving her his number at the station in return in case they needed to call him back instead. Officer Fujiwara bid him a good evening and left. Hizashi allowed himself to breathe a long sigh of relief as Dr. Watanabe returned.

“Well, the good news is your scans came back looking clear as can be hoped for,” she said brightly. “We can go ahead and keep you overnight for observation if you would like, but you should be all right to go ahead home if you’d rather do that. I believe your friend’s still out in the waiting room if the two of you need to talk it over.”

A cold jolt sank into the pit of Hizashi’s stomach, but he tried to keep it off his face. “Uh, yeah,” he agreed. “That might be best.”

Dr. Watanabe nodded and left to go get said “friend”. Hizashi sat up, sliding his legs over to sit on the side of the bed. He wasn’t really feeling up to running for his life after the rest of what happened tonight, but if Hebiko had followed him all the way to the hospital it seemed like he wasn’t going to have much choice. Maybe the cops would still be down in the lobby when he got there and he could have a miraculous return of memory that the stringy, suspicious-looking woman who had said she was here to get him was actually here to get him.

The frantic train of thought had a massive derail, however, as Dr. Watanabe returned to the room with a tall, shuffling figure in tow. Hizashi blinked, sure he had to be seeing things as Aizawa awkwardly nodded in greeting.

“Hey,” Aizawa muttered. “Erm. How’re you feeling?”

“A little confused,” Hizashi said. He tried to raise his eyebrow, but relented when the motion pulled too hard at the stitches in his forehead. “But, uh. Okay, I guess. Are you my escort home?”

Aizawa gave him a slightly sour look at the question but nodded. “I guess so,” he said.

In a renewed haze of bewilderment Hizashi reclaimed what of his belongings hadn’t been thrown out as a biohazard and signed himself out of the hospital while Aizawa called them a taxi. A very stiff, silent cab ride followed, neither of them knowing how to break the silence without making this worse than it already was.

“How’d you know where I was?” Hizashi asked finally, eyes locked forward out the front windshield of the taxi. “Decide to follow me?”

“No,” Aizawa replied flatly. “Just bad luck I guess.”

“Yours or mine?”

“Both.”

Hizashi snorted. “For once we agree on something,” he said.

The cab pulled to a stop in front of Hizashi’s building and his door creaked open to let him out. Aizawa cleared his throat as Hizashi shambled up off the seat.

“Do you...want me to come with you?” Aizawa asked, with a note in his voice that sounded like genuine concern. Hizashi paused, amused in spite of himself.

“Not even a little bit,” Hizashi replied with a cheerful, insincere smile. He shut the door and waited until the cab had pulled back into traffic and rounded the corner before going inside.

#boku no hero academia #my hero academia #aizawa shouta #yamada hizashi #villain!mic #vigilante!aizawa #hizashi yamada #shouta aizawa #Fire Meet Gasoline AU #Quinny thinks she's a writer

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teenagebeautyqueen · 4 years

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[Image description: a young person holds a mobile phone with a blue case and a paper on the other. the paper has a drawing of an umbrella colored with the trans pride flag. we can only see their upper body. they are looking down and to the left of the image. they're smiling without showing their teeth, and look relaxed. they're wearing a black, loose hoodie and some shorts can be seen at the bottom of the picture. they're also using black nail polish. on the background there is a door and a star wars poster. the other image is a close up of the paper. end ID]

🌈ʜᴇ/ᴛʜᴇʏ🌈

happy trans day of visability to all my fellow trans*!! here is me and my project for peace's day... i personally love it. it's on spanish, but i'll translate it for y'all.

the text on the left says "cada persona que conoces está luchando una batalla de la que no sabes nada. sé amable. siempre", which is the translation of that quote that goes like "every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. be kind. always".

the one on the right says "¿qué sentido hay en pelear? ¿por qué insistimos en sabotearnos mutuamente? Todos caminamos por el mismo sendero embarrado, todos nos dirigimos al mismo final." its translation is something like "what's the point on fighting? why do we insist on sabotage each other? we all walk the same muddy path, we are all headed for the same end."

and above the umbrella there's words like "odio", "acoso", "ignorancia" & "discriminación", which mean "hatred", "harassment", "ignorance", and "discrimination".

yeah i'm very subtle.

i've decided to share my story with the world. but i got kinda carried away. it's not s fairy tale, so don't read it if you're sensitive to themes like bullying, mental health issues, and toxic people.

——————————————————————

it's been... one ride of a journey, to say the least. i've said a few times that i started to question my gender around summer. but that's not quite true.

growing up, i never was fond of... anything that i associated with femenine, really. this included, but wasn't limited to, any color that wasn't blue (pink and purple get a special mention, i despised them), flowers, clothes too loose or too tight, shorts if they weren't from some sport, etc. i think you get the idea.

this collided with me being afab (aka a girl for everyone including myself) & neurodivergent. i wanted nothing to do with those things. but society wanted me to love them.

5 yo me said she didn't like Monster High. 5 yo female classmate said i was a weirdo. 7 yo me loved football. 7 yo male classmate said i couldn't play because i was a girl. 9 yo me hyperfixated on minecraft. 9 yo pretty much every classmate called me a geek.

so i stoped trying. for a while, i loved pink, wanted to have rapunzel's hair, watched disney channel, etc. but i already was the weirdo. i remember being three and friends with all of them. i remember playful fights for the toy rocket and reading books with the only other boy who could read, to ourselves, each other, and the whole class. but people grow up, and they change. so yeah, i was bullied. always the last one to be chosen, left alone on the bus rides, on my own at the playground.

and you'll be thinking "that sucks, but pao, how is it related to you being trans?"

you'll see, i didn't have many friends. i was kinda alone until i turned 7. then two new kids came to my class. let's call them eva and john. i made friends with them asap. i loved them so much!! they were my first friends since kindergarden. so i allowed myself to let go. i was already hated by most of my peers. why wouldn't i be myself with those who didn't despise me? (i was 7 when i thought this. 7 years old, and i thought that out of 20 people, 18 hated me. and then people wonder why i've got self-steem issues lmao. i'm tryna make the point that bullying in primary school isn't just some mean kids calling you names. i'm currently in high school and it still has its mark on me. but that's for another moment.)

so yeah. i went "wild". eva has adhd too (noice, right? i mean she has her diagnosis becaise she's primarly hyperactive, while i'm primarly inattentive, but we understood each other way quickier than with neurotypicals– even if i didn't know why yet), and john was kinda shy & corpulent (he wasn't fat, but he didn't look slim either), just like me. so we became friends. and i slowly opened up a little, while still playing my role of "the freak kid". i knew i was seen as that AND as the smart kid. double pressure, double bullying. but i had my small circle. it evolved until my current friend group, in which, god bless, there's a trans girl!! (eva's still on it– she's my best friend and i would die for her, no doubts. john can go fuck himself, the goddamned fascist).

but it ain't that easy. it never is. i'm 14 and afab. shit happens. y'all get it.

my first period happened while i was on a school trip (bad), on a hotel with no pads avaliable (very bad), on another country so i couldn't call my mum unless i had wifi because politics & stuff– and i did not have wifi (really bad). cue a lot of dysphoria (even if i didn't know it was that) + not being able to contact anyone. add the fact that i was the second one to have it, and it was some kind of taboo– it meant the other girls wouldn't leave me alone, and the result is clear: one of my worst panic attacks ever, on a tiny bathroom of some shitty hotel room.

from there it went downhill. my body started to become femenine, and the football short didn't make my hips smaller. my face, my oh so alarged face, suddenly became rounder. puberty hit me not only physically, but emotionally. and if that wasn't enough, we, as a class, were entering what's called here "the turkey age", a.k.a. teenagerhood, where looks become even more important. it didn't take long until i hated my body.

[WARNING: from here, this gets hard. mentions of eating disorders, depressive episodes/thoughts, toxic enviroments, homophobia/transphobia (both internalized and external), anxiety attacks, and thoughts of self-harm]

i thought "it's big, it shouldn't be big, it's fat. besides i don't want it to grow so fast. i want to make it stop growing. how? well, i grow up by eating. no eating=no growing".

yeah. eating disorder. when i think about it, i want to laugh. because it only took a few comments and "jokes" for me to be so angry at myself when i should be mad with them. i'm big. always have been, very likely always will. i've been told that i could make a very good rugby player. i probably would. i shared my cantine table with people (😔). and they wouldn't shut up. "[deadname], the rest wants to eat too!", "look at [deadname], she's gonna eat it all!". things like that. i stoped eating. i would pick up the smallest amount of food i could, even if my stomach was begging me to please eat something. eventually, my mum found out. and she helped me to grow out of it. i sometimes releapse, but never for that long. because i went on a whole year like that. and it sucked.

so, last year. socially anxious neurodivergent girl with several doubts on her sexuality gets to eight grade.

i play basketball. since i was little. i used to enjoy it a lot. we weren't a team– we were a family. loved 'em so much, 1000/10 one of the best things of my life. BOOM. now you're old enough & good enough to be on the "good" team. in the good time there's the cool kids. i am not a cool kid. oops. i was left behind, they all laughed at my back, no one cared about me (except one girl, but she was in the group and was scared to act until almost the end of the year. love her for that tho). i felt like shit. i was too scared to go to train. the sight of a ball scared me, because i couldn't help but think everyone was talking shit about me. we went to a national championship and when they went out to the city, they didn't tell me, then sent a pic of them having fun to the groupchat & delated it saying "oops it was for the other group". i had several breakdowns on my room that night. it was such a bad experience i can't even hear the name of the city without tearing up.

not to count that a new girl decided to make my life a living hell. now i know how to deal with her, but then i didn't, and i ended up curled up on the bathroom floor crying.

all while i discovered my own identity. i was so scared of being non-straight i hated myself for it.

it was a tough year and there were times where i would wish i'd never existed. it was too much for me to deal with, and i was just miserable. but i got out of it. remember the trans girl i mentioned? she's closeted, and she told me just this october. but even before that, she was my friend. she bought a new life to it all, a fresh one. i owe her a lot, including accepting myself as i am.

she is here, despite everything.

i am here, despite everything.

you are all here, despite everything.

some of us aren't here. they are the ones we remember. each one of us has our history. i shared mine with you all. it is not an easy road. you know that. it's hard, and it's tough, and it's difficult, and it's unfair.

but we are here, despite everything. the ones who made it, the ones who didn't, the ones who are halfway through it, and the ones who are to come.

we are here. we are trans. and we won't be erased.

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arnorcttos · 5 years

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( ludovico tersigni + 22 + muse 59 ) isn’t that apollo amoretto over there? i heard HE joined faction: nomads after they got back to west ham. it’s funny, ‘cause they were only on the service trip to terrorize his peers. hopefully they fit in there – they’re ADROIT, but also INDELICATE. oh, i’m sure they’ll be fine. ( james, she/they, 20, EST )

okay hi i’m james and this is my baby apollo, who is actually a brand new spankin’ muse of mine so !! we’ll see how this goes b/c i’ve literally never rp’d him before !! and i’ll b frank. his background is inspired by logan in veronica mars. sue me. actually don’t i’m already in college debt but sudfjkfg PLEATHE plot w/ him. leave a like. two likes. that’s not even possible. i may change his fc in the future b/c like ... i’m currently making his gif icons as i go and to b frank ,,, it’s rly hard sdjfkgh but i love him. so we’ll see. sdjnfkmgh

TRIGGER WARNING - DEATH, MURDER, MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

a e s t h e t i c s

fingers across keyboards and piano keys, m&m’s scattered, vintage gaming consoles and tangled wires, worn vans and broken skateboards, banging of drums and splintering drumsticks, deep rhythms beating with your heart, the hum of a hefty computer and the buzz of a monitor, green text against black screens, unruly hair unkempt, flannels filling closets, bloody baseball bats, posters lining up and down walls, loud punk music shaking the walls, glares and whispers, the suffocation that comes with loneliness, pills rattling in their bottles, unmade beds.

general info !!

full name: apollo casimir amoretto

nickname(s): caz, polly, lover boy, 2000 (b/c of his screen names lmaoo)

b.o.d. - january 31st, aquarius boi

label(s): the escapist, the hellion, the insurgent, the netizen, etc. etc.

height: hitting 6′0″

hometown: west ham, kansas !

sexuality: bi...? fucking. it’s pride month ofc he’s bi.

his stats are TBD but his pinterest is HERE !

biography !!

cristian amoretto and camilla silvestri had a romance that could be described turbulent at best, and down right explosive at worst

cristian, a native italian actor whose career began before he could walk, and camilla, the daughter of two italian immigrants with big dreams in a small town, met on the set of a coffee shop. their love story began quickly, dating within only a few months of knowing each other and engaged before the year was up

camilla walked down the aisle 6 months pregnant with lil’ baby apollo, who was then born in west ham, kansas, aka the town that camilla’s family had settled in

was raised primarily by his mother and grandparents! his father was often off shooting movies, leaving camilla to take on the role of stay-at-home mom despite her own dreams of making it big as an actress

apollo grew up as a huge momma’s boy -- i mean, god, he just really loved this mother, y’know? his relationship with his father was much rockier because of his ... lack of being around.

when his grandparents died around the age of eight, that’s when things got...worse. it felt as if camilla’s parents were the only barrier between camilla and cristian’s budding wrath.

it became more apparent that cristian was not meant for the family life, his anger quick and his fists quicker, stinging words and venomous glares. a control freak who couldn’t handle camilla being an independent woman.

this wasn’t apparent to the neighbors, or much of the town in general, because the amorettos were such a prominent family up in their mini-mansion in oak ridge -- it was hard to imagine that their life was anything but exquisite and dreamlike.

this was, of course, up until camilla filed for divorce and a restraining order in the same day, face bruised and nearly unrecognizable. she, obviously, got custody of apollo.

at this point in time, apollo was fourteen and...pretty stoked for them to get away from his father. they holed up in southside and life continued as normal. for the time being. gossip swarmed apollo at school surrounding the circumstance which was annoying, to say the least. it led to him becoming withdrawn from the other students, not getting the whole ... gossip appeal.

in hindsight, they should’ve moved out of west ham. death threats in the form of letters and the eerie feeling of eyes constantly being on them came to a halt on apollo’s graduation day: the day that his father also, coincidentally, murdered his mother.

for making me miss out on years of my son’s life, was cristian’s excuse as he was escorted from the bloody crime scene at their apartment and into the police car.

obviously, cristian was convicted and sentenced to prison. apollo still has dreams about testifying in court against his father.

and then apollo became known not as the son of two celebrities, but the son of a murderer. total bummer !

became even more withdrawn and almost dropped out of college a few good times! the only thing that kept him rooted to west ham was his band.

and now he can’t leave, and he’s surrounded by people who all look at him weird and he feels like they’re all expecting him to be like his father, and he’s not, but god -- when people expect you to be one way, it’s so hard to act otherwise. it’s just not a good time !

pretty much why he went on the service trip tbh ... like, y’know ... if ppl want to believe that he’s just as bad as his dad then damn ! he was gonna wreck sm havoc on the trip, just being an absolute nuisance.

personality !!

his main focuses are computers / video games, drums / his band, and like ... skating ... vaping ... gamer things, y’know.

from a young age he’d always been very fascinated by video games, and being the Rich Boi (tm) that he was, ended up with a whole lot of them to play, on a whole bunch of consoles.

but like ... he’s a PC guy :/ he may have a super rare nintendo 64 console or two but nothing can beat his dual-monitor set up with his hand-build computer !

he also got real into hacking, y’know, just small things like watching security cameras in different cities and occasionally changing his grades b/c like ... who wouldn’t ? also ... cheated in dark souls. fucking loser.

his favorite games to play were always multiplayer games online like WoW and overwatch so !! he’s pretty fucking mad he can’t play them anymore. like. so mad. genuinely furious. he’s been trying to hack his way into like ... wifi or something dumb, ever since they got stranded in new west ham, but he’s had no luck !

he joined a band in high school because he was angsty and young, and like, turned out to be really good on drums ?? they had like ... some real big jimmy eat world / green day / say anything / old school fall out boy vibes. just a whole bunch of ‘fuck the government, fuck the authority, anarchy, rebellion, revolt revolt revolt’ angry rock music that got a buuunch of noise complaints during practice.

his role in the band was essentially the ~nerdy~ one, because he was a gamer, but like he was also Edgy and Angry and wore all black like Constantly (he still does who are we kidding)

probably paints his nails black and has a nose ring b/c gamers can be edgy too !!

huuuuuge junk food junkie. like ... he will consume Everything and Anything unhealthy. has a huge sweet tooth, he can’t remember the last time he’s drank straight up water.

but like ... he’s a loner pretty much. only friends he really bothered keeping were his bandmates and like ! half of them went missing along with the rest of the town so ! he’s feeling a lil’ lost

but not lost enough to do Nothing, y’know ?? coming back to west ham to an empty town awoke his little baby survivalist in him, probably due to a lot of survival games he played online, and he immediately took over his old home in oak ridge ! it was pretty much rotting there with his dad in jail, but not anymore !!

has also probably broken into a few homes already tbh b/c he’s just. ruthless. impulsive. if it feels like the end of the world then he’s yolo’ing, he’s peace-ing out, u cannot stop him.

uuhhh so he’s got this fucking...pomsky, right? her name is tulip. she was camilla’s before she passed away and like, what is apollo gonna do, huh ? put the dog in a shelter ? hell fucking nah. that’s his dog now.

unfortunately tulip isn’t the most .... tough looking dog. apollo set up a bunch of fucking speakers around the property of his dad’s house and plays large barking noises whenever somebody gets too close, just to ward off intruders, but like ... there’s no fucking big dogs man. it’s just apollo and tulip.

this isn’t like a Personality Trait but idk where to put it so ! apollo’s on antidepressants b/c like ... y’know ... the whole dad-murdering-mom thing sort of fucked him up a lot ! they make him feel pretty blah and diminished his sex drive so like ... hook ups aren’t really an option for him atm !

besides that he smokes a lot of weed b/c self medication

he’s ... sort of an asshole. like ... he can be rude and he doesn’t have much of a filter and i don’t know if there’s any softness left to him ! he just really misses his mom and his bandmates and has a lot of wishes involving changing the past and he reacts badly to things because he’s so defensive and on edge constantly.

he misses twitter the most, tho.

no but he’s just like. .. sad gamer boi ... a man and his dog ... who also carries like five knives on him and definitely knows where his dad kept his gun.

like he’s not socially awkward or necessarily Bad with people .. he’s just bad with people :/ doesn’t try hard enough ! is a little too apathetic ! chaotic to true neutral

wanted connections !!

i envision his band to have like ... four or five members including him. two guitar electric guitar, one bass, one drums / keyboard, any of them singing idk that’s not important. and since two of them have Disappeared, i’d like the One (or two) that Remains ! anarchy boys !

generally .. anybody else who is tryn to survive, that maybe he can bond with or completely clash with ??

i’d love enemies, just ppl he Refuses to get along with or they are just on bad terms for whatever reason

people he’s trying to not ! not get along with ! but it just doesn’t work out b/c like ... lbr, apollo’s pretty bad with other people.

just any falling outs.

uuhh ... maybe a few somewhat-friendships ! like... awkward acquaintances

ppl he knew primarily from high school / haven’t spoken to since

maybe one or two ppl who’s soft towards him or he’s soft towards or vice versa b/c like ! i’ll b real .. it’s pretty nice to have !

ex-flings, ex-somethings, ex-gfs, bfs, anything from the past.

hookup gone bad b/c he couldn’t get it up b/c antidepressants be like that (this is based off of a true story can we get a sad yeehaw in here)

gaming pals from before no wifi.

skater buds. vaping buds. b/c i can confirm that apollo owns like three juuls. stoner buds.

someone he’s like ... hesitantly forming an alliance with b/c sometimes it’s easier when you have someone on ur team ! b/c then drama when one of them betrays the other uwu

somebody trying 2 break into his house b/c u Know it’s got some good shit in there but he’s just like ‘alexa play dogs barking audio’ and then ur muse is like ... there’s no fucking dogs

juul pod dealer. that’s all.

i’m down for anything rly !! pleathe hmu !!

#apogeeintro #god i'm sorry this took so long #death tw #mental illness tw #it's implied but yknow #murder tw #domestic violence tw

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sassmill · 6 years

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I’m not sure if I’ve posted this before or not but there was a point last semester where I was having a really bad mental health week(s) and dissociating so bad that other people could tell (professors and a director yikes) and it was tech week for a play called A Voice Of My Own (in which I played Virginia Woolf). It was 3/4 in the round so the stage was barely separated from the audience, and we entered from seats in the audience that we took after the house opened. So I was sitting there trying to will my consciousness to stay in my body enough to get through the show and hit my marks and not go up on lines etc. when our preshow music started playing. It was a Spotify playlist that our stage manager made, and the WiFi in our theatre is terrible. This is foreshadowing. The song “Virginia Woolf” by The Indigo Girls came on and I was like oh sweet this is good this is a soothing calm comforting song I’ll be able to calm myself down and get through this. BUT THEN. The song song stopped buffering and they had to skip to the next track. I don’t remember who it was by but it was called “Rocks In Her Pockets” and it was literally all about Virginia’s suicide and it wasn’t exactly uplifting and it proceeded to reverse ANY calm I had managed and basically this is the story of the dress rehearsal that I can’t remember past that point because I literally was not mentally there my soul shot straight outta my body and took a nap somewhere on the grid. How did the run go? Don’t ask me I wasn’t fuckin there. I blocked that shit out so hard BUT the silver lining is the comedic material it provided me the next day because somebody asked me if I was doing okay and I responded “I’m not actually depressed it’s just method acting” thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

#lmao #i love suffering #and #virginia woolf #what a pair huh #avomo #em does a distress #i’m a fucking theatre major

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that-ot-over-there · 3 years

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The Reflections of an Underqualified Over-confident OT

“4 years seems like a really long time to do a degree”, said the recently matriculated girl who was just starting her university experience. She had a million things going through her head. “What if I can’t do it? What if it’s too hard?”, she thought while doubting herself. And then she blinked and she was almost three quarters of her way through. She sat back and now a different thought clouded her mind as she realised that she was almost a qualified professional. “Am I capable enough to do this in the real world?”

The journey that myself and my fellow OT class went on during our university experience was anything but conventional. First year was pretty normal. As a fresh off the boat student, I was consumed with the generational fear of OT chewing me up and spitting me out but I found comfort in my peers. To see us all freaking out on the WhatsApp group chat was oddly soothing because at least someone else knew just as little as I did but as the year progressed, we became more familiar with the way things were run and the expectations which were set out for us. My confidence grew and I was excited to get out into the field and actually put what I was learning in those extremely long lectures into practice. Then came second semester and it was time to go to prac, where was all that confidence now? But again, I was reassured by me peers. First year pracs are done in pairs so at least I had someone to fall back on when I felt overwhelmed or under-qualified. Luckily, my client was extremely helpful (and very high functioning) so the whole experience went smoothly. (1)

Being very excited that I passed first year, I promised myself that I would try harder to be better. I knew I needed to do more, not only to get better marks but to develop myself and my skillset. That year, prac came quick and fast and I started my psychosocial block at Chatsworth Challenge. I didn’t really know what I was doing but fake it ‘til you make it right? Well, I did that for all of one day as the very next day, our country went into total lockdown. Que the global pandemic and the university shut down for almost 3 months. Initially I was glad because I felt so underprepared but then worry set in. I was already scared about a 4-year degree and it was starting to seem like it would now take 5 but then online learning was developed and we started back up again (on my birthday too, was definitely not impressed!). If I thought prac was stressful, this came with a whole new set of unforeseen challenges. Unmuted mics, drops in wifi coverage, problems with submissions and tests, adapted methods of learning; if you could think of a problem, it happened. But once more, my peers were there to soothe my nerves because we were all in this together and we had each other’s backs while navigating through this difficult time. The amount of information we were given was insane and I struggled to take it all in so when things calmed down and we were able to go back on prac I was hit with another disaster. Imposter syndrome. This is described as “feelings of self-doubt and personal incompetence that persist despite your education, experience, and accomplishments.” (2) I had so much information through the online pracs but putting it into practice was so difficult given that we had a 2-week rotation and almost no structure. It was so difficult getting over my feelings and trying to focus on the giant task ahead of me and it took a toll on my mental health as well. I found myself falling into periods of low function and a deflated mood but once I was able to push myself through it I felt completely fine and I wrote second year of as a success despite all the hurdles along the way.

Thinking I was ‘fixed’, I dove back into university life as a third year but things were becoming very real. The work load was increasing but my confidence was on the up as the physical block of the first semester was something what was in my wheelhouse. I felt like I was really flourishing but just after midterms, I had contracted COVID-19 causing me and my whole prac group to go into a 10-day isolation. Although I was physically fine, I felt very guilty as my group was missing precious prac time and deadlines were fast approaching. Thankfully, we were all able to do our finals, even with just 1 week with our patients. But I really felt better in the days that we had to make up. We were able to completely focus on our group project and it ended up being one of the most rewarding projects that I had worked on. It was very satisfying to see our visualisation become a reality. (3) the transition into second semester, unfortunately, did not bring over those feelings and once again my imposter syndrome set in coming into this block. Psych is not something that I believe I am very good at but I am working every day to educate myself and build my feelings of competence.

Looking back at my past experiences, I am able to see how I conquered every mountain that was put in front of me, even when it seemed like it could never be done. Overcoming challenges is a part of life and it was us stronger and reveals skills that we sometimes don’t even think we have. In my reflection, I also realised that I could not have done this without my peers to support me and going forward into my life as an OT, this is something that I am going to keep with me forever because as Phil Jackson said, “The strength of the team is in each individual member. The strength of each member, is in the team.” (4)

(1)

in picture: first year experiences on prac

(2) https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/imposter-syndrome

(3)

in picture: completing project on third year prac

(4) https://www.atlassian.com/blog/inside-atlassian/good-teamwork-quotes-youll-like

#occupational therapy #reflection #imposter syndrome #covid-19 #teamwork

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pizzatimegirl · 6 years

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So.....

I had a little internet cut and I was without WiFi for three days......so yep.....

In the mean time I've had a breakdown (I'm not sure if that is the expression I'm looking for) because.....life

better explanation:

I had a conversation with my mom about how my body was starting to ache (specially my stomach and my ribs) and how anxious and sad I was getting these days..... but then she started to talk about things that made me MORE ANXIOUS...that I had to control myself that they (my parents) won't be here forever...that life is hard....is not always pink....and gave a wise advice.

Now, I had this conversation MANY times in the past....and I always end up climbing onto my parents like a crybaby (and my parents always being very supportive).....But this time...somehow....it hit me close....the things she said were getting me more and more anxious, until I couldn't breath.....I started crying and crying hysterically like never in so much time (like a panic attack) and then FINALLY I revealed to my mom my Big Secret Fear: Responsibilities and Life itself.

After that, mom hugged me and gave me the best advice: "help yourself"

Now, I was giving up on life, I was deppresed and anxious because I couldn't express myself like human anymore (I usually feel like having a panic attack when I'm talking to people) and that meant I couldn't work or study like normal people....But with this....I realized I wasn't doing anything for myself or others. I wasn't reading, i wasn't helping on the house,I wasn't going out of the house, I was only inside...in the cellphone/computer all day and feeling like garbage (having bad thoughts of myself and nightmares)

But listen...i feel a little better now.....and I took a decision...well...many decisions to avoid this behavior:

-I will try my best everyday I live. I will absolutely do my best to keep my mind busy.....if I do that, I'll keep away the bad thoughts. I will cook with mom, I will read the books/tales I have in my library and I'll clean the house like the responsible daughter I should be .

-I'm going to overcome my fear of people! I will practice everyday on how to socialize and talk to people. (that's why I'll read more, to expand my vocabulary) I will also try to socialze with my parents (like watching movies with them, talk about something, be with them) I love them with all my life, so this 'll be my way to express it. (my grandparents are going to get that too obviously) ...in short words, I'll be more sympathetic towards people :3

-And last but not least.....social media won't be priority number 1 anymore (as sad as it sounds) sorry. But im doing this for my mental health (knowing that I'm more sensitive than other people)

Nope, I'm not leaving you, im just saying interactions won't be as recurrent as before.......drawings? yeah, those are going to be a little recurrent (and reblogs too) ;b

So...that's all...if you actually got to the end of this long post, then thanks for taking your time on reading my ramblings...........................uuughh, I don't want to bother ya with this stuff.....but I really needed to take this out! Plus...this is like an update. Sorry, I'm rambling again. Bye! Love ya!! 💜💜💜

from now on, I'll take it easy but at the same time I will fight with that SWEET PMA! >:D

#life #anxiety #depression #mental health #mental healthcare #pma #jse community #amyxmiaplay thoughts

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emotionalvomit · 4 years

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Giving Thanks

Today is Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving in 2020 seems like complete bullshit, especially with everything going on in the world (e.g. Trump, COVID, the injustices, the racism, the senseless violence and wars, the deaths). Not to mention what I have personally been through (e.g. my recent breakup of a long-term bf of almost 6 years together, the family drama, not getting that NCI position, and struggling with my identity + path in life). Like what can I possibly be thankful for?

Obviously with a negative outlook on life, it’s almost impossible to see the silver lining of situations, but I am going to change my perspective and outlook on life. I am going to see 2020 through a positive lens because I am better than remaining bitter, sad, hurt and jaded.

Lets start with the beginning of my year,

I turned 25 and celebrated it with all my favourite people in one room, with food that I love and drinks that got me LIT. I always was afraid to throw a party for myself because my birthday is in the beginning of the year, and everyone is trying to pay their debts after Christmas and New Years so I don’t want to add to the stressors, but this year, I wanted to do something fun and I’m so glad I did because I had the best time with the people I love (From family friends, to high school friends, UNI friend, to work friends and everyone in between). I felt my best in January and didn’t realize the shitty situations I would have to endure in the upcoming months, but I claimed 2020 as my year and my year to start over, and I don’t think I was ready for that new beginning, but we out here, still thriving, glowing and learning. I’m incredibly thankful for the beautiful start.

I want to thank God, first and foremost, for being my anchor, my guide, my supporter, my rock, my father, my comforter and my go-to throughout my break and new transition in my life. I can’t lie, it was rough, this break up and going through COVID and the isolation, and not having cuddles and hugs from him or my friends...it was so hard. And God, I’m so thankful and blessed that I was given resiliency as a strength to get me through this breakup and through this new process of growing up. And He still does; He still provides for me, comforts me, teaches me, guides me and loves me through this all.

I want to thank God for my friends. My support system is A GODSEND. Literally. I don’t know where I’d be without my girls. SPECIAL SHOUTOUT TO Trisha, Kristina, Kass, Vicky, Kristine, Edem, Zoe, Lyss, Willow, Caitlin and Abi <3 These individuals have truly been there for me and shaped who I am as a person. They have truly shown me what friendship, empathy and compassion is like, and I get teary-eyed thinking about what they’ve done for me in terms of helping me get through the breakup and helping me find my strength and confidence again. I AM BLESSED BEYOND BELIEF to have formed and strengthened the bonds with those girls cause I see them as my sisters.

I also want to thank God for my family. My family recently hasn't been the closest to each other with all the drama, tensions and miscommunications, but personally, I have strengthened and mended my relationships with each family member, even KEIDEN :’) (I love that lil boy!). When I let my family know about my breakup, they've been good on giving me space, providing advice and letting me heal as I please. It’s been rocky, but I’m glad they have shown me love and support. They’re not perfect, but I cherish each of them and I’m grateful to God to have given me a family like them. Special shoutout to my extended family, the Lapenas, esp Daniela + Julia AKA the super human support systems. THEY WERE THERE IN THE EARLY STAGES OF MY BREAKUP aka ONE OF THE FIRST TO KNOW. Their home and presence was a haven for me and a distraction for me, and really helped me during the early healing processes. Daniela + Julia are so wise, gracious and loving and I love them so much, like I can’t even.

I am grateful to have a job during the COVID19 pandemic, as well as have a job as a nurse! I am so glad I am needed during this crazy time, as well as having a well paying job to support me in my lifestyle (LOL) or in case shit hits the fan, I have a steady cashflow, BUT HEY ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN, but I have something coming in and I’m just grateful I can use the skills and wisdom God gave me to help those in need. I am also grateful for my coworkers, literally my life <3. ELLYBBY, Connie, Angela, Megan, Chanel, Mrunal, Kerrie, Abby, and everyone else on my unit; thank you for personally being there for me and professionally being there for me! I’m so blessed to have you guys on my unit to share laughs with, to share stress with and to work together to help these vulnerable, ill people.

I’m so so SOOOO grateful for my health. Covid19 almost took the life of my Aunt and Uncle, and took the lives so many globally. I work a high-risk job as a nurse, since I come in contact with sick patients but also potential COVID patients yet I’m grateful that I’m still standing strong and healthy. Sure, I have hand eczema and onset flared adult acne, but its not as bad as COVID or anything terminal. I also am so thankful for my mental health. During breakups and COVID, it could totally leave a person crazy, depressed or even suicidal. BUT I AM STILL HERE, loving myself, standing strong and firm in my beliefs and myself.

I have more things and people to mention that I am grateful for, which can also be found in my 5-min Journal, but God, I am so grateful for so many things in my life. I am grateful for this life. I am grateful to live. I am grateful to be here typing on my new MacBook, watching The Hills on my iPad, connected to strong Wifi, on a comfy bed, in comfy clothes, in a warm house with my family within a safe neighbourhood... see, there’s SO MUCH to be thankful for. I am truly blessed and I’m thankful for this awareness.

Gratitude really does change your perspective and makes you feel good. As Pinterest would put it (LOL), “The act of being thankful is the door that leads to all things beautiful.” And I’m going to keep being grateful cause God really DID THAT, made my life beautiful, in all its flaws and beauty.

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jonathanbuckland · 7 years

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A Wonderful Adventure

I stopped using this account months ago because of a very specific personal reason which was completely unrelated to my love for Coldplay and Jonny. However, THE PAST FEW DAYS HAVE BEEN ABSOLUTELY INSANE AND I NEED SOMEWHERE TO VENT ABOUT IT!

I don’t really know where to begin or how to explain properly what happened recently. After years of saving, I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to follow Coldplay for the last 5 dates of the European leg of the A Head Full of Dreams Tour in Cardiff and Paris. A few amazing things happened on the tour, so I thought I’d make a post explaining them.

By now, I’m sure you all know about the incident at Coldplay’s Dublin gig a couple of weeks ago where Jonny got hit in the head with a bottle while he was performing on the C-stage. It really upset me as someone who looks up to Jonny a lot, both physically (because he is part giraffe) and as a musician. There was a massive outpouring of love across social media towards him and it made me really happy because he’s such a sweet person and deserves love and respect, rather than things like that. But the idiot who did it is just that; an idiot. They pale in comparison to the hundreds of people who were showing love towards him.

The day after the concert, on Sunday 9th July, my friend Alycia (@coldplay-kid) was coming to my house as we were leaving for Cardiff the next day to see Coldplay. I was in my room blasting A Head Full of Dreams as I tidied it. I was also scrolling through Twitter and I noticed that Jonny tweeted a fan saying that he was okay after what happened in Dublin. I replied telling him that I couldn’t wait to see him nail his guitar solos in Cardiff:

I also tweeted about how British he is because he said thank you twice in his tweet before I went back to tidying my room. A few minutes later I picked up my phone because I noticed it was lighting up with loads of notifications. I went on twitter and loads of people were mentioning both me and Coldplay. Then I realised that Jonny had tweeted me!

I started completely freaking out and my mum came in asking what happened! I went around telling everybody in the house that Jonny had tweeted me. I really don’t know how he found the tweet because I didn’t reply to his tweet for 25 minutes and in the one he replied to I didn’t even tag the band’s account! I guess he was lurking on Twitter or stalking my account (!) It was incredible because Jonny tweets very rarely and tweets fans even more rarely. I always used to tweet Coldplay asking them to check whether Jonny had the correct password and working wifi because of how infrequently he tweeted! I feel really honoured to have been one of the few fans that he has ever tweeted. I never ever thought he would reply, especially because I didn’t tag the band in it and they don’t follow me! It was such a funny tweet and it makes me smile every time I read it. Still hasn’t sunk in, to be honest.

After the tweet, I thought my week couldn’t get any better…but then the concerts happened.

Cardiff Night One (1/5)

I was going to the first Cardiff show with Alycia and our three other friends, Amber, Hannah and Laura. We all decided to make signs for the band. I wanted to make one for Jonny and settled on one that said “Jonny Buckland Defence Squad”. After what happened in Dublin I thought he deserved a supportive sign. The plan on Tuesday was to run to C-stage and to hopefully get on the barrier and get them to notice our signs. After almost three hours of queueing in the pouring rain, we managed to get C-stage barrier! Here’s a picture of all of us with our signs before he concert started:

The first part of the concert was amazing, but we were waiting in anticipation of them coming to the C-stage. Finally, the lights went down and The Guesthouse and Amazing Grace played. We knew it was time.

The first song they played on the C-stage was In My Place and as Jonny was playing the opening riff, he started turning around. He saw my sign straight away! He nodded at me and started beaming and even bowed his head like he was a bit embarrassed, bless. It honestly made me SO happy because Cardiff was the next show after Dublin and the last time he was on the C-stage something was thrown on him, but now he had a positive sign just for him!

Here’s Jonny noticing the sign on the video I took:

Immediately after Jonny saw it, Guy saw it and smiled at me and then Chris came over to him and started looking at the crowd and he also saw the sign and laughed! I was in heaven. During the rest of the set, Jonny looked at me a few more times, still smiling, which was just amazing. They really are so close on the C-stage. I didn’t think it could get any better but boy, was I wrong. At the end of Us Against The World, Jonny took his guitar off and put it down on his stand. He walked straight over to me, beaming, and put his hand out towards me. I tried my best to reach over the barrier but then he mimed throwing something at me. I was shaking so much I couldn’t quite take in what was happening until it was over. He threw his pick at me and it landed just in front of me on a coat which had fallen off the barrier! He was trying his best to get it to me and absolutely beaming at me as he did it. It was such a special moment. He even waved goodbye to me as he left. I found pictures on Twitter of the moment a couple of days later:

(There’s also a video).

I put the torch on my phone on and refused to take my eyes off the pick until I had it in my hand. Infuriatingly, I was slightly too short to lean over the barrier fully and pick it up. Amber even offered to pick my ankles up so I could lean down and get it! Eventually, the stewards returned and I managed to get one of them to pass it to me (but not before she sent it flying as she thought I meant the coat…very stresssful). I finally came back to consciousness about halfway through Up&Up as I was in such a state of shock (and stressed over getting the pick)!

I still can’t process what happened and don’t know that I ever will. I wrote on the reverse of my sign “P.S. Can I have a pick please :)” and after Jonny had seen my sign I flipped it over. I intended to hold it up at the end for one of the Roadies to possibly notice, I never thought in a million years that Jonny Buckland would throw me his own pick on stage! I haven’t seen him do that to a fan recently. I feel so lucky and grateful for everything.

Here’s me at the end of the show, pick and sign in hand (I look like a deer in headlights):

We also all got given picks by one of Coldplay’s roadies, Hoppy, who told us to come to the A-stage at the end because he didn’t have any with him at the C-stage. It was such a sweet thing to do. He really went out of his way to make our night special.

Cardiff Night Two (2/5)

On the second night in Cardiff, Alycia and I both had VIP Early Entry meaning we would be near the stage. I thought we were on Guy’s side for some reason, but when we got to the stadium on the day we realised we were actually on Jonny’s! I was over the moon. We already agreed that we wanted to stand near the A-stage, so it now meant I would be close to him again. After a messy entry, we managed to get on the barrier a little bit along from Jonny. We were both ecstatic with our spot. I brought the sign with me to the stadium, but I wasn’t sure whether to hold it up or not. I felt a bit awkward doing it again, so I had it at my feet on my the barrier thinking I would use it during the concert if he didn’t notice me. It wasn’t needed at all! As soon as the band came onstage for A Head Full of Dreams, during the opening verse, Jonny saw me and smiled at me. I think he remembered me from the night before. I was so happy. I made so much eye contact with him throughout the concert and there really is nothing like having his infectious smile aimed directly at you! During the Paradise remix, I was jumping up and down like a woman possessed. It’s one of the highlights of the concert for me, it’s so fun live. Jonny saw how much I was dancing and smiled at me again! He also smiled at Alycia and I during Fix You when he started his guitar solo because we started cheering him and dancing to it. I caught another moment on camera during Adventure of A Lifetime. They have monkey graphics on the screen and as a joke, I pointed at the screen and screamed “HARAMBE!!!!”. I looked up towards the stage and Jonny was looking at me and laughing. I mouthed something like “oh my god” and face palmed in embarrassment and he kept smiling at me. I don’t know if he heard what I shouted but he was definitely looking at me and smiling so that was pretty awesome.

Here are a few screenshots of that moment:

At the end of the concert, Rob Brydon and a couple of others came out to sing the Welsh National Anthem. I noticed Jonny learnt it on guitar which I thought was really sweet. It was amazing to see him at his “home” show. Just before the bow, he came and stopped in front of us and applauded us. It was just incredible. I couldn’t get over the unbelievable couple of days I had. But I still had three more shows to go!

Paris Night One (3/5)

Luckily for Jonny’s mental health, I had seats for this show. I knew I was high up but I didn’t realise I was right on the back row! I had an amazing view of the Xylobands:

The Jonny Buckland Defence Squad was also still going strong at the back, as seen in this video I posted on Twitter.

I enjoyed a more chill gig and I think you need to see it from near the back to really appreciate all the special effects and effort that goes into each and every show.

Paris Night Two (4/5)

For this show I had normal standing. Feeling kind of insane and pretty exhausted, I headed back to the Stade de France at around 8am (after getting back to my hotel at 1am) and met up with my friend Ginnie. I spent the day queueing with Ginnie and her friends in thirty plus degree heat which was exhausting. Doors opened at 5pm and we managed to make it onto the second row, right in front of Jonny as our gate was on his side. I was pretty much directly behind where I had stood on the second night in Cardiff on the barrier. It was an amaaazing spot.

I managed to set the record for the quickest Jonny notice ever! As the introduction was still playing and he walked onstage, before he even picked up his guitar, he saw me and smiled at me. I was over the moon before the first song had even been played!

The concert was incredible. During ETIAW me and Ginnie stuck confetti to our foreheads because we were so sweaty. Jonny and Will saw and looked a bit confused but amused:

I didn’t film much of this show because I just wanted to enjoy it and it was beng filmed anyway.

Here are a couple of pictures of Jonny I took:

After the concert as I was walking out of the stadium, I saw a piece of paper on the floor and for some reason I decided to pick it up. It turned out to be a setlist! I looked around to see if anyone had just dropped it but it seemed that no one had. I couldn’t believe my luck!

(Yes, they were supposed to play Miracles….I want to fight them).

Paris Night Three (5/5)

After a wonderful day spent exploring Paris with some lovely Coldplayers on Monday, it was time for the last show. For the final show I had VIP Early Entry once again. I go to the stadium around 10am and queued with Ginnie and her friends in thirty four degree heat. I also met a really sweet fan, Mathilde, who was attending her first Coldplay show. I decided to join her and her brother on the B-stage. We got barrier right opposite the steps.

The heat was so intense, I probably would have fainted if I didn’t have the barrier to lean on and access to water from the stewards. I saw so many people that had to leave the crowd, some in tears. It was so sad.

After the longest five hours of my life waiting in the stadium in the suffocating heat, Coldplay finally came onstage.

When they came to the B-stage I held up a sign that said “PLEASE PLAY MIRACLES” but sadly they didn’t see it. Jonny noticed Mathilde’s sign which thanked them for coming to Paris and told them to come back soon and gave her a thumbs up!

I thought Jonny wasn’t going to see me but then near the end of Magic he saw me, grinned at me and we nodded along to the music together. I was over the moon once again for the umpteenth time that week.

Here’s some pictures of them on the B-stage:

I thought my night and the tour couldn’t get any better, but once again I was wrong.

During Charlie Brown, I noticed one of the roadies coming around the barrier with things in his hands after they were taking the instruments off the B-stage. I saw him hand something to a girl a bit further along the barrier from me and when I realised what it was, I freaked out. He saw and came and passed it to me!

I now had Will Champion’s drumstick which he just used on the B-stage right in front of me! I felt like the luckiest girl on earth! But the concert wasn’t even over! I had been drumming along with my stick all night to the songs (as I play drums) and during A Sky Full of Stars the camera guy saw me and filmed me for pretty much the whole song! I was on the screen so much! I was a sweaty, frizzy mess but I was so happy I didn’t care.

When the band walk to the C-stage, they had to walk down the steps in front of us. On their way there I was too in shock to do much but I did pat them all on the back. Jonny and Chris saw Mathilde’s sign, asking for a hug because it was her first show and both shook her hand! It was amazing to be so close to them and Jonny kind of leaned over to me to get to Mathilde (I was dying). Will also picked up a green AOAL balooon that was in his way and hit it into the crowd!

One of the highlights of all the concerts happened to me on the way back from the C-stage. I decided to stick my hand out for a high five. Guy and Will came past first, Guy just kinda ignored everyone but Will went past smiling at people on the barrier.

Then Jonny walked past. He saw me, grinned at me, came right over to me, took my hand and gave it a firm handshake. I filmed the moment, you can’t really see much but you can hear our hands clap together and me laughing hysterically before squealing like a pig. I’m 97% sure he recognised me throughout the tour, but this made me believe it even more! To me it felt like a thank you and goodbye. It was the perfect way to finish my last show of the tour.

I’m not sad everything is over because I’m so overjoyed this happened to me. I’ve spent a few hours typing all this up, with a grin on my face as I did so. I can’t believe my luck. I got two picks, a drumstick, a setlist and countless special moments with the band onstage. I’m so lucky to have had the chance to attend these shows. I can’t describe the feeling this band gives me. I admire them as musicians, human beings and everything they stand for.

Thank you to all the crew that work so hard every single day to make this amazing tour possible. The eight shows I attended last year and this have been some of the happiest days of my life.

And finally, Guy, Will, Phil, Chris and Jonny: thank you for everything. I’ll see you soon.

#coldplay #ahfod #ahfod tour #a head full of dreams #a head full of dreams tour #chris martin #jonny buckland #will champion #guy berryman #text post #personal #coldplayer #coldplayers

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listenas-she-whispers · 7 years

Text

shanghai

Shanghai Ramblings

Since Tumblr is blocked here and I basically have no contact with anyone at a reasonable hour

7/28/17

Jiejie left today for home and I really wanted to go home with her because I’m really missing the nice weather back at home and all the comforts that come with it. Chinese is still v rusty and not v good but it’s enough to communicate with the relatives, but I’m no where near the confidence needed to speak to outsiders, so idk how work is gonna go. Also I’m p sure Netflix is blocked here but I really wanna stream pacific rim bc it was actually a p good science fiction movie

7/29/17

Woke up around 10am and had a lazy start to the day until the aunt and uncle took me out to see the old Shanghai buildings back in the day called 石库门, and then to a bigger, more modern and much more crowded version of Santana Row called 南京路 and it was really fun bc we walked all the way down to the river and saw the skyline and it was fuckin beautiful and it would’ve been nicer if the weather was better and there were less ppl but it was cool nonetheless. i also showed them the inside of a giant forever 21 and bought a rly cheap pair of aviators(china sizes are much smaller than American ones) so I just decided to get them since they were cheap, even though the material prob isn’t the best. And then we went and ate a vegetarian place that wasn’t that great but wasn’t bad either. Drove through downtown Shanghai and had a p fun convo w the aunt and uncle about my mom’s past dating life and talked some shit about my dad and his fam so that was p fun :) overall it was a good day!

8/6

Forgot to update, oops. The weekend went by gloriously, in which I slept till 11 in the morning both days. Unfortunately tomorrow I have to wake up at 7 again :(, but this time only for 4 days since I get Friday off, and then Saturday I’m flying back to the land of blue sky, white clouds, excellent air quality, and excellent weather! Today was a good day though, bought myself a pair of superstars for only 180 RMB($25!!)three (fake, but decent quality) brand name wallets, gag gifts for Kimia and Nathan, and a nice necklace for jiejie and earrings for her as well. I don’t really wanna go back to work tmr, I just don’t wanna wake up early, and calling ppl is v tedious, and I’m just gonna pretend that I forgot I was supposed to sit next to jade these next four days because sitting next to her means that I actually can’t slack off and take a couple breaks here and there :/ yikes. Got hooked on a lotr pic about thranduil and his wife and Jesus Christ why do I get attached so easily. Been feeling really nostalgic and just wanting to read good books for a long time while listening to easy go acoustic. Also wanting to go home but not wanting school to start because where tf did summer go? Also staying in Asia made me fat and my self esteem lower because wow all the girls here have thin legs and weigh next to nothing and a big part is just genetics but also just them not eating and me gaining weight hasn’t helped and I just ;asldkfsakld. I just wanna get back to 102 where I had a nice jawline and a relatively thin waist like is that too much to ask(it sounds super shallow and superficial and fatshaming but ever since junior year ended and i gained a lot of weight i’ve been feeling really sluggish and not good so this is v much for my mental health). Also I rly wanna just start running again when I get home but school… so yea lots of conflicting emotions at work and part of it is just teenage angst but another big part is anxiety and low self-esteem!! Also I miss social media, even though I am appreciating this break, or a detox as Kimia called it, albeit it wasn’t wanted, but I guess needed? I do miss Tumblr a lot tho. And snapchat, I miss snap a lot. Ok well now I gotta sleep otherwise I’m never gonna wake up early enough shit

8/7

Dont rly remember what I was gonna write, but I think this was the point where i and the other interns started warming up to each other

8/10

Wow the last day came a lot quicker than I expected. Funny how I was wishing for this internship to end just last week. Had a small farewell party that was p fun, and then went out to karaoke with the interns. Had to leave early bc the aunt smh otherwise I totally woulda gotten smashed with them until like 11 :( that would’ve been fun. I doubt I’m ever gonna see them again, or at least see all of them in one place again, but hopefully some of them visit California and hit me up! That would be p fun. Overall this was a p great experience, despite my angst and general negativity due to the weather here. They’re a fun bunch of people, and heavily remind me of people back home, and I know that even though I’ve only been around them for two weeks, I’ll still be v fond of this experience. At the same time I can’t wait to go home. What a paradox.

8/11

Annoyed at aunt bc for a lot of reasons, but mostly for rude moments and “man-womansplaining” ugh. Also while I’m super glad to go back home, I really don’t want school to start. I just wanna go home and sleep for two more weeks and ignore college apps. Music is keeping me alive, and also missing the interns bc I’m too sentimental for my own good.

8/12

Waiting in the airport rn, w no wifi :( lines for security and immigration were super long so I don't have to wait long to board, but it would've been nice to have wifi and talk w friends before flying off. So ready to land in SF and catch up three weeks of social media loss and remind everyone that I'm still alive haha.

#ramblings #summer 2017 #shanghai 2017

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seven-for-president · 7 years

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RFA reacting to MC who is a big Killing Stalking fan

_Yoosung_

° you were re-reading Killing Stalking while sitting infront of the TV

° as captivating as the Story is, you didn´t recognize Yoosung enterd the house

° it was the chapter where Yoon Bum got hung up at the ceiling

° your entire Focus of Attention was on your Screen and so you sqeaked in suprise as you heard Yoosung speak up

° “Hey Babe, what´re you reading?”

° oh shit, he saw

° “Ehh, just some new manwah” (^^ゞ

° please look away, please look away, please look away

° “Oh god why is he hanging from the ceiling? Isn´t his friend going to help him??”

° inside of you was the battle of telling him the truth or leaving him in his sweet, naive thoughts

° while you were in thoughts you didn´t notice him, now interested in how it might turn out, swiping to the next page

° there he met the holy glowing d*ck of Sangwoo

° “ What is he doing?! Is her jerk- is he really doing that to the other one hanging??!”

° you had the Feeling there´s a LOT of explaining to do (；´д｀)ゞ

° “You see, that´s a Thing now between me and my friends.”

° what a bad lie

° it took almost an hour for you to convince him that you´re not mental unstable

° or have some weird fetish Σ(ＴωＴ)

° it takes him a while to accept that you like that kind of stuff but he has to

° nevertheless he is still worried about your mental health from time to time

° poor, uneducated, naive bby XD

_Jaehee_

° since your computer broke she was nice enough to lend you her private one

° but even with a borrowed PC you just can´t live without your weekly dosis of korean thriller-yaoi

° AKA KILLING STALKING

° but after you got a new/fixed PC you just gave Jaehee her one back without Clearing the browser-history

° which is like the worst mistake a human being can make btw

° so being the super careful office worker she is, she checked the browser history Σ（￣□￣；）

° she was Born to, check browser-histories

° when she saw a link leading to a thing called killing stalking she thought about you having some serious issues

° MOMMY-JAEHEE-MODE ACTIVATED

° luckily she decided to talk with you first before calling a therapist ﾍ(ﾟ∇ﾟﾍ)

° “Hey MC can we talk for bit ?”

° you were a Little confused, was something wrong with the computer you returned?

° “Sure, what´s up?”

° “You know, I´ve bee looking at the browser history on the other Computer. If you think about harming yourself please talk with me and we´ll find help.”

° by the end of her sentence she started to cry ( ˃̩̩⌂˂̩̩ )

° “But there´s nothing wrong with me. How can you think that.”

° you suddenly felt the urgent need to hug her and pat on her head

° “But why are you reading those things then?”

° after a second or two you got a Feeling to know what she´s talking about

° “Are you thinking of Killing Stalking?” ∑(⌒◇⌒；)

° all she could do was nod and continue sobbing

° “But that´s just the name of a manwah I´m currently reading.”

° after you said that she asked a Million questions

° why is it called Killing Stalking

° do the characters have some issues?

° SOME?

° so you show her......aaaaand she´s gone

° jk she just states it isn´t her type of Story and then she never talks about it again

° maybe she´s distusted....... or horrified XD

° but she still has the number of the next therapist on a sticky note inside her calender ∑(O_O；)

_Zen_

° he was at a rehersal so you just sat in the living room and chatted with your friend about the latest chapter of Killing Stalking

° but being the lazy-ass you are you switched to voice messages in the middle of it

° since this is thing you´re very passionate about you don´t notice somebody entering the room

° “Yeah, it was so stupid when he was like let me suck your dick -No you´re too creepy, and now he´s like didn´t you want too suck it? I mean can´t he decide?!”

° Bam!

° you heard a bag drop on the ground and then silence

° you were frozen for afew seconds and then slowly turned around

° only to see a very confused/perplexed Zen

° “Oh, hey. Didn´t know you´re finished early today babe.”

° he´s still at a loss for words and just stands in the hallway

° “What were you talking about?”

° OMG a complete sentence, that must mean he´s back to consciousness

° it then hit you that he must have heard your last message

° “Oh, just this new manwah me and my frind are currently reading. nothing special.” (￣ω￣;)

° Sure MC, sure

° “But what for my sake is this about?”

° so you showed him a chapter, and another one, and another one

° by the time you were done explaining he was as white as his rat tail

° “ You sure you don´t need to throw up Zen?”

° “No, I´m alright.”

° he then threw up

° but since it´s fictional he doesn´t mind if you read it

° I mean he as an actor knows some fans are into weird stuff

° nevertheless you are now more conscious of your surroundings while reading those things XD

_Jumin_

° he was in a meeting and you were in front of the conference room waiting for him

° beacuse he knew you´ll be bored he gave you his phone to entertain yourself

° your´s was still in the car with Driver kim

° so you thought why not catch up on the latest Killing Stalking chapters when you have the time now

° but right when you were captivated by the chapter´s climax the door opend and Jumin stepped out

° to his disappointment your attention wasn´t on him but on his phone

° being the sneaky Daddy Person he is he just snatched it away from you

° “MC, please come home with me I think we need to talk about ...this”

° you felt like one of your worst nightmares just came true

° you were very nervous the whole ride back home and neither of you spoke a word

° by the timeyou entered the penthouse you just knew he would be nagging you nonstop about this

° “So, Jumin what do you want to talk about?”Σ(ＴωＴ)

° “Would you care and explain to me just what you were reading on my phone?!”

° to our suprise he was very calm but you somehow felt very arfaid

° “This was just this new manwah I´m reading andthe new chapters are out so I wanted to read them while I waited for you to finish your meeting and-”

° “It´s okay I wasn´t going to scold you, please don´t be afraid”

° It was only then you realized that you sounded very terrified

° “I´m sorry, I just thought you were angry at me.”

° “Why would I be angy at you I was just interested in what you were so fascinated with. But depending on the Images I saw I´d like for you to explain the plot to me.”

° so you did as asked and when you were at the part where Yoon Bum got hang up by Sangwoo he just told you to stop XD

° “Not that I mind but should you really be reading those Storys?”

° when you told him about your Passion for it he understood that he should just leave it at that

° to your suprise he manages to get you an autograph from Koogi (the creater of Killing Stalking) and it was the best day ever

° and by day I also mean the night ( ° ʖ °) if you know what I mean

_Saeyoung/Seven_

° the new chapter was out and since Seven was busy working you decided to change into fangirl-mode and read it

° bad for you Seven observed everything you did while using his wifi

° so when he was on a break he glanced on the tab where youre browser-history was displayed

° “MC why are you reading the new chapter without me?!”

° you were so suprised you almost dropped your phone on the ground

° “Don´t shoch me like that I almost dropped my phone!”

° That´s all you´re worrying about MC?

° but before you realized what he just said you already felt the matress sink in and another persons presence by your side

° “Go back to the beginning I want us to read it together. <3″

° now you were really confused (・_・ヾ

° “You know Killing Stalking?”

° “Of course I know. Who do you think I am?” ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

° you just kept quiet and both of you read the new capter together

° while reading he was suprisingly concentrated and focused

° you expected him to make bad jokes every 0.07 sec, but he didn´t

° but this moment of peace only lasted till the last page

° “OMG MC did you see that glorious dick just now?”

° “Saeyoung keep you voice down Saeran is next door!”

° guess who opened the door just in that Moment

° he somehow looked a bit disappointed

° maybe he expected to see his brother without pants and looked forward to laugh about him

° as soon as he saw you being alright he left

° your head was as red as Seven´s hair and you kept throwing pillows at him

° in the meantime he just laughed his ass off

° the next time the new chapter was out you made sure to either besomewhere else or locking doors and Windows

° poor Seven ( ≧Д≦)

Dear Lord forgive me, for I have sinned

That´s it for now, maybe I´m going to add Saeran and V but I´m not sure yet o(^▽^)o

If you enjoyed reading or are a fan /victim of Killing Stalking leave a like or a comment , which wold make me very happy (/^▽^)/

Also if you have a request for a HC don´t hesitate and just ask（。＞ω＜）。

#mystic messenger #mystic messenger headcanon #killing stalking #saeyoung choi #jumin han #zen #seven #yoosung #jaehee kang

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