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hatchetfieldtheories · 4 years ago

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Return to Hatchetfield-Town - TGWDLM Part 3

Have I been putting off this part because of sad Bill? Maybe. Or is it because of all your amazing Ridiculous Hatchetfield Theory submissions? Yeah, you were right the first time. I just can’t deal with sad Bill.

We left part 2 of the TGWDLM rewatch where the Scooby Gang had turned up at the spooky mansion, which can only go well, and we come back in part 3 as they’ve left the tied up resident bad guy alone with the one person who has a weakness for said bad guy.

Links to previous parts

It’s Ted loving time and I make no apologies for it.

Am I the only one who saw the scene with Ted and Charlotte and immediately got sent back to MAMD’s Joey and Sally? It’s so good seeing Joey and Jaime acting opposite each other like this again, they both bring the same amount of chaotic brilliance.

I have no jokes to make for this, I just needed a gif of the “slap” here. Beautiful. Iconic.

Here we see a bit of the true Ted, the Ted we see in Time Bastard. He’s an idiot sure, but its obvious he is actually a hopeless romantic who really cares for Charlotte, underneath an exterior of “sleazeball”.

When I originally read what happens in Time Bastard I will admit it didn’t really fit with the image I had in my head of Ted. Ted is first and foremost played for laughs. He’s selfish and arrogant and funny. But rewatching TGWDLM, especially with Time Bastard in mind, you do see where Joey let’s Ted’s façade drop. You see it at a greater extent later when Charlotte dies and Ted goes off on one to Bill. But you also see it here (I’m sorry Ted fans):

Serious gifs, who is she?

Now. What’s happening in this next little scene? Are we ready for some tin foil hatting?

What do you want Charlotte?

Continuing our theme of characters explaining what they want in clear and certain terms, Charlotte starts praying to God, then Sam wakes up. Was Sam waiting for everyone else to leave before “waking up” in order to target Charlotte? Or were Charlotte’s prayers answered by an Eldritch being with the capability to control the Creedy Chorus? Later Sam says that he “saw god”.

In Black Friday, Linda attempts to issue in the “birth of a god.” God is certainly a word the Devil Dolls are happy to attribute to themselves. Somehow I don’t think it would have mattered if they had gone to a Methodist or Presbyterian church.

Opinion time: Tied Up My Heart is a full on rock bop and deserves way more praise and acclaim. You could have told me this song was from Rock of Ages and I would believed you.

“Don’t you twust me” – serious Wiggly vibes there Sam.

This is kinda catchy Sam!

In part two we briefly discussed when Hidgens became infected, and there is some theories that believe he was infected from the moment he touched the blue brain goo, leading to Show Stopping Number happening.

Charlotte was infected the minute she touched Sam’s brains. Like Hidgens, it happened slowly, but its very clear it had begun to take root in this song. Tied Up My Heart is to Charlotte, what Let It Out is to Paul. They both find themselves dancing without meaning to, they both begin to hear the music. I’ve mentioned previously that Tied Up My Heart is the only song in which there is an offstage chorus, which would be strange unless for the first time we’re hearing the show as Charlotte is hearing it – she’s beginning to hear the rest of the Hive.

The only difference between Charlotte and Paul is their wants during these pivotal numbers. Paul is trying harder to fight the song because his want is to destroy the meteor. Charlotte isn’t able to fight the song because her want is Sam… and the song is giving her that.

I think this is the part of the musical where most people pause and proclaim… what the hell am I watching. Which, you know… valid.

Can anyone tell me what foreshadowing is?

Ted just casually predicting the ending of the show. Take out the head and the whole thing falls down – an historically inaccurate statement in the proceedings of Hatchetfield’s apocalypses.

Exhibit A – Taking out the meteor does not stop the hive.

Exhibit B – Sending a Nuke into the Black and White does not stop Wiggly.

I don’t know what Nerdy Prudes will be about but heads up to the characters – maybe don’t try and destroy the root of the issue as your solution.

Obviously there is a lot of story in Emma and Paul’s discussion here, a lot of which gets unpacked and revisited in Forever and Always, but I’m not really going to delve into the specifics of it here. My biggest take away from this conversation is that Emma explains her past, and her intentions for the future, but at no point is it ever clear what her want is.

In a musical where character’s are killed because they want something, is it any wonder Emma is the one who survives at the end? She doesn’t have any big, ultimate want. She’s jaded and tired, until the end… when what she wants is for Paul to have survived.

This shows a clear distinction between how Pokey and Wiggly operate (and the others, but we’ll discuss them when we get to Nightmare Time.) Both of these Bothersome Brothers use wanting as their tool of chaos but in very different ways.

Pokey wants you to want something, in order to tempt you with that in order to destroy you.

Wiggly wants to find holes to fill with exaggerated, artificial echoes of a want.

The new game at Toy Zone – Bop Ted

Does anyone else forget for a bit how amazing Jaime’s voice is and then finds themselves entranced when Join Us and Die happens? I’m sure there is some lore in this song but I’m far too distracted.

If we refer back to our Violence over Time chart from part two of the rewatch you will see we have now fully arrived at the point where the Hive has stopped trying to just entice everyone with fluffy feelings before murdering them, and are now just resorting to “we’re gonna kill you and it’ll hurt a lot.”

I know there is plenty of discussion regarding whether Hidgens is good or bad, infected or not infected etc – but none of that matters. What matters is he makes the same crappy puns I make in inappropriate situations and I think that’s beautiful.

“The Charlotte you knew and loved was gone the minute a note came out her mouth.” – Snape’s back with the foreshadowing again.

Hidgens then proceeds to subject our heroes to a very intricate test to find out who is human, and who is the musical Doppleganger (one of the AJ Holmes fans there). I’ve seen Moana once, and I became obsessed with the bioluminescent crab so I don’t remember any of the other songs apart from Shiny. This is a problem because the only other song I know from Moana has now become Paul’s version of whatever it is he is singing. I refuse to believe there is any other version of that song.

“Their tactic is to hide amongst us, and as their numbers grow, they become more bold.” – yes Hidgens – we’ve all seen the chart.

Acting Masterclass with Corey Dorris

Bill gets a phone call from Alice, she’s stuck at Hatchetfield High and her girlfriend and the other kids have become singing and dancing zombies. Is this a prequel to High School Musical?

Its worth noting that Alice has locked herself in the Choir room – Hatchetfield High’s number one place to hide when things are going badly - x

Look what happened Nightmare Time.

Corey Dorris’ face pulls on every heart string I possess. Not Your Seed is a fantastic song, with some superb singing by Mariah, but the heart of this song is Corey. Bill is a broken man from the moment he echoes Alice’s words that Grace Chastity is a Nerdy Prude. And the voice crack!

Small warning here for a very brief discussion about suicide. If you want to skip past scroll to the next gif.

The song is an attempt to bring Bill to the Hive, but I think the plan from the start was to push him to shoot himself. Bill wants his daughter back, he wants her to be a part of his life, but unlike with Charlotte, where Hive!Sam attempts to convince her he’s not really dead and wants her, Hive!Alice uses Bill’s want to break him further and further, swinging between Alice’s love and disdain for her father. This isn’t an attempt to lay a trap and kill him when he falls in it, it’s a blatant push towards him killing himself. The Hive only picked up the gun because Paul was there to stop him.

I also find the mirror of this moment to later in Watcher World very fascinating. We obviously know Pokey and Blinky are brothers, and I wonder if the set up leading Alice to point a gun at Bill in Watcher World is Blinky’s twisted humour, echoing what he knows happened in another timeline. A horrible joke that would be lost on Bill and Alice in that timeline, but very recognisable to all of us Watchers.

Once again the Hive could have easily killed Paul, but they don’t. They make a big song and dance (get it?) out of how the guns not good enough to kill him with and then they start singing at him just in time for the army to turn up. The Hive had no intention of killing Paul yet, though obviously they can’t let him know that. Paul has been chosen as their Hero. He’s got work to do.

Hatchetfield High Homework

Just the one this week, I’m currently doing an Ask series where I attempt to make ridiculous sounding Hatchetfield Theories make sense. You can find them by searching Ridiculous Hatchetfield Theories. Go and have a look and follow the wonderful people sending them in.

When the rewatch returns, we get our first peep into the world of PEIP.

#return to hatchetfield town #hatchetfield #starkid #hatchetfield theory #hatchetfield theories #team starkid #the guy who didn't like musicals #tgwdlm

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pointnumbersixteen · 5 years ago

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A Head Cannon Biography and Character Analysis and of the Captain, Part 5: Everything the Captain Does Wrong in the First Flashback of Reddy Weddy in Sixteen Points

Which finally gets us back to the flashback scenes in Reddy Weddy.

Is this about to be over 2,000 words shredding the command performance of my favorite character? Yes, it is, but I do it with all the love in the world.

I’ll start with the first scene, which starts out as a morning brief. It shows just how awful he is at the whole ‘leader of men’ thing. What did he do wrong? This is going to go on for a while. The TLDR version is: literally everything. There is not a single word or action of his in that scene that went right. And it had to be intentional, as Ben Willbond is an admitted military buff, he has to know what proper military bearing is supposed to look like, and he wrote the episode.

I should preface this with saying that I absolutely adore the Captain in this scene, with his silly, over-excitable and ridiculously awkward self. But the first time I saw it, the part of me that spent four years in the US army was screaming inside about how terrible his performance was as a CO. Just picture yourself as one of those respectable and sensible young military personnel sitting in the seats listening to him with the thought, ‘if the Germans come this is the guy that’s going to be responsible for me in battle,’ and try not to cringe just a little.

First, starting with a bit of background: morning briefs are torture. They are the most boring things in the world. Everyone hates them. They’re one of those situations when you can just feel yourself slowly dying. Good commanders know that and try to keep them as short as possible. Bad commanders who don’t mind that their troops are silently hating them the whole time go on a bit longer, but even then, I don’t think I ever sat through one that made it through more than five or six points. The Captain’s very first line in the episode states that he is on POINT NUMBER SIXTEEN (the absurdity of which gave me the handle for this side-blog). His subordinates are blank faced. They’ve probably been tuning this tedious BS out since point number four.

Second, point number sixteen is, to paraphrase, “Why am I still hearing laughter after hours? We are at war. Fun is banned.” In a stern lecture tone. No, Captain, pet, just because the army probably sucked all the joy out of your life, doesn’t mean that no one is allowed to be happy in the military, even during wartime. My dear, actually you should be encouraging them to decompress however they can, as long as it isn’t inappropriate or interfering with their duties, because war is stressful, even if you’re not on the front lines. The military in general is stressful, even when you’re not at war. Joking and horseplay- as long as it isn’t the sort of thing that isn’t going to get anyone injured- is good for morale. And modern militaries have morale officers for a reason. At this point, the man in the middle of the front row breaks his blank face momentarily to give the woman next to him a ‘can you believe this crap?’ look.

Third, the Captain goes on and backs this up by essentially saying (again paraphrased), “I understand you all are bored, I’m bored, too, this shit is boring, but this is where the army stuck us so we have to deal.” Which again is the wrong answer. That is precisely how NOT to motivate people to do their best. This is a situation where the officer should try to generate enthusiasm amongst his subordinates for their roles. Even if he wanted to provide a similar sentiment, the word ‘bored’ never should have entered the equation. Everyone is bored most of the time in the military, but it’s not something the higher ranks acknowledge, because acknowledging it helps nothing. His statement should have been something more like, “I understand that some of you are frustrated that you’re not serving in combat, but what we’re doing here in support of the war effort is important, and it will take all of us doing our parts, both out there on the front, and back here in England, to win this thing.”

Next, when Havers comes in with the message for him, he speculates out loud about it being an answer to his pistol requisition. He shouldn’t have done this, and gets two wrong points for it.

The fourth is because while I find his excitement about that pistol endearing, like a little boy hoping for just the right present from Santa at Christmas (and still pining for it 75 years after his death, as noted in the ‘going to the shops’ game with Fannie in s2e4), it probably comes off as foolish or childish to his subordinates. The gun he really wants to have probably should not be the first thing that comes to his mind when communicating with command. There’s a war on. There have to be at least one or two things that are more important.

The fifth is because you’re not supposed to reveal any of your command requests to your subordinates until you know how they’re going to turn out, and then only the ones that are approved, because if you reveal you’ve requested something and it isn’t granted, particularly something as simple as being issued a side arm, it starts to look like higher command doesn’t favor you or have confidence in you. Which in his case is probably true. But that’s not something he should reveal to his troops by way of letting them know he requested a fancy new side arm and then never received one. He might as well have put a sign on his back that said, “Command trusts me so little they won’t even give me a gun.”

Sixth, when he reads the actual message, he just blurts out something to the order of, “good god, France has surrendered.” Which is not how the other people in the room should have received that information. There should have been some sort of measured, more dignified, official sounding announcement. “It’s my duty to inform you all that unfortunately France surrendered to the Germans yesterday,” or something of the sort at the bare minimum. But no, he just blurts it out. Well, Havers asks him what’s wrong after the “good god” part, but he still shouldn’t have blurted it out.

Seventh, and after blurting it out, he doesn’t add anything to it. France surrendering was a disaster for the British during WWII. It meant Germany was coming for them next. This would have been the time to reassure his men- and women- that although things might look grim, he was confident that high command had a plan and would have everything under control and that there was no way Germany would make it across the channel and that even if they did, the army would be ready. But no, he says nothing of the sort.

Eighth, in fact, he says nothing else to the people who had been present for his briefing at all. After Havers enters the room, he has neither eyes nor words for anyone else. Which is not professional at all.

Ninth, the way he looks at Havers throughout this scene, his face lights up, his voice cheers, his whole demeanor changes. He might have well had a neon sign glowing above his head that screamed ‘I’M GAY FOR THIS MAN!!!’ It would have been the only thing that could possibly be more obvious. When, again, being gay wasn’t okay at all in 1940’s England, and particularly not in the army. I love how incredibly unsubtle he is about his attractions while he clearly thinks he’s being subtle, but that’s not the way it would have been viewed by the people in the room.

Tenth, in his excitement, the Captain just drops the message on the floor. Drops. It. On. The. Floor. He doesn’t even bother to pick it up. Even Havers gives him a funny look for this one. I say again, I find over-excited Cap adorable. His subordinates probably find this ridiculous, though. And if this were a man who was in charge of me and he’d just been giving me a tedious lecture about not laughing at night as part of a sixteen point morning brief, I’d find him ridiculous, too. At best.

Eleventh, then he immediately scrambles to the window and looks around wildly like he expects the Germans might be marching up Button House’s driveway as they speak. Which is plain silly, as Havers has to point to him. It’s obvious to anyone with sense that even if the Germans are going to invade, it will take them a while to organize an invasion, and Button House is unlikely to be one of the early strategic targets. But the Captain seems to forget this momentarily in his excitement and ends up looking silly in front of his subordinates. I’m pretty sure a few of them are laughing at him in the back.

Twelve, the fact that the Captain is clearly ridiculously excited about this development at all is another point against him, because he shouldn’t be. Of course, he’s excited about the renewed prospect of getting a chance to actually fight (see the previous part of this analysis for why he desperately wants such a thing) but that excitement is not good look. He’s thinking about what it means to him personally, rather than what it means to the military and the country as a whole. Again, the fall of France was a disaster for Britain. It means they’ve lost all of the battles they’ve fought to try to hold back the Germans in France. It means they’ve already lost thousands of men attempting to hold back the Germans in France and for nothing. It means they’ve lost their main ally, the ally the spent years successfully holding back Germany with in France in WWI and therefore implies that this war is going to be even worse than WWI, which was already unprecedentedly catastrophic. It means they’re alone against Germany and there’s a good chance that Germany will be invading soon. So, when they get this news and the Captain’s reaction is over-excitement, that does not look good for him. Nothing in this brief looks good for him, of course, but he just keeps digging the hole deeper.

Thirteen, his officer’s bearing (which as I mentioned in an earlier post as one of the indicators before Reddy Weddy of him probably not being a very good officer, as he maintains it well in emotionally neutral situations, but once emotions enter the picture it collapses) starts out fine when he’s actually giving the brief and then goes downhill once Havers enters the room and by the time he’s at the window, his body language is just… what are you even doing? He’s practically bouncing. Also, Cap, why are you randomly shouting? And what are you doing with your hands? (I wonder if he started carrying his pointy-stick everywhere because he couldn’t figure out otherwise what to do with his hands.) Of course, all of this is because he’s a magnificent over-excitable creature, but still… not a good look as a CO.

Fourteen, when they show the rest of the personnel in the room during this part of the scene, you can see clearly on the faces of the two men in from to the left of Havers (at ‘I don’t think they’ll be here just yet, sir’) that they think the Captain’s behavior is a joke… they fix their faces back to blank very quickly, but it’s there. I imagine what most of the men under his command felt for him was either ridicule or contempt, sadly. I feel sad for him, because I want my poor gay son to be loved and respected. But he isn’t in this situation and he doesn’t seem to either notice or care about this.

Fifteen, Havers has to remind the Captain that protocol states they’re supposed to lock down the estate at this point, as the British actually were expecting the Germans to invade after France fell. He shouldn’t have had to have been prompted, particularly not in front of their subordinates.

Sixteen, Havers also has to pretend that the Captain ordered everyone else in the room to go carry out the lockdown, when he didn’t, just shouted vaguely about it being a good idea. Havers then sends them on their way, as it’s clear that in his own excitement, the Captain seems to have forgotten that he’s the one in charge and supposed to be leading and commanding. But I suppose it’s good that Havers took the initiative to get everyone else out of the room as quickly as possible, as this has been literally only like a minute of time, and I’d hate to see how much Cap could embarrass himself in two minutes.

And there it is. I made this sixteen points long as an illustration of just how ridiculously long sixteen points actually is.

I won’t cover the part where the Captain and Havers were alone at the end of this scene, yet, as I’ll include it with the next written bit, which is going to be my analysis of their relationship. That might be a minute, because we’ve reach the end of the parts I actually had significantly written out. I’ve only outlined the Havers relationship section.

#the captain #bbc's ghosts #havers #reddy weddy #the captain was terrible at being a captain #guys help i've put more effort into this analysis of a fictional character than i did for my senior thesis in university

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thelordofdarkreunion · 5 years ago

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A List of Things the Scoundrels Are No Longer Allowed to Do

So, I have recently read “A List of Things Skippy Isn’t Allowed to Do in the Army” and “A List of Things Dr. Bright isn’t allowed to do at the SCP Foundation”, and I decided to do a version of my own. Some of these are taken from these other two lists. If anyone who reads this you has any ideas for the list, feel free to add them.

The group known as the Magnificent Scoundrels has gotten a bit out of hand. This list was compiled by Admiral Hackett of the Systems Alliance, Admiral Kelly of the GA, Fleet Admiral Hood of the UNSC, Inquisitor Vail of the Holy Inquisition, Commander Briggs of the Frontier Militia, Princess Leia of the New Republic, and Director Fury of SHIELD in order to curb the Scoundrels’ more dangerous or inappropriate behaviors. These rules apply to all Scoundrels and their teams/crews.

1. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to call SPARTAN super soldiers “big boys”.

2. The Better Business Bureau is not the correct agency for handling people who smuggle Sith holocrons.

3. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to say the phrase “I am in need of a new host body” within earshot of Imperial Inquisitors.

4. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to bargain personnel for their “souls”. Even if they say they can get you a good deal.

5. Government equipment is not to be used to bootleg pornography.

6. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to cite Kevin McCallister from Home Alone as a credible source for anti-personnel tactics in official documents.

7. The rumor that Adam Vir wears heelies while in official dress uniform is a blatant lie.

8. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to send spam emails to Ceberus. Even if it is funny.

9. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to apply mind control devices to major political figures.

10. Thomas Drake is no longer allowed to use time travel devices. Especially if his reasoning is to “screw with those history nerds.”

11. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use telepaths to alter or affect the outcomes of reality based television shows.

12. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to trade government property for liquor.

13. “I was bored” is not a valid excuse.

14. The Scoundrels are not allowed to begin a crusade without the written permission of the Imperial Inquisition.

15. Thanos is not to be referred to as “Biggy T”.

16. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use fan conventions as recruitment drives.

17. Any proposal which includes the phrase “metric fuck load” is to be denied.

18. The video game Doom is not a credible source.

19. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to allow Starfleet red shirts to be possessed by daemons or ancient Sith Lords.

20. When researching time travel, please refer to the work of the IMC’s ARES Division or the Starfleet, not Doctor Who, Back to the Future, or Call of Duty Zombies.

21. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to to accept or use any of the following as currency:

Your soul

Anyone else’s soul

Firstborn children

Memories

Memes

Blood

Organs

Virginity

Ponies

Eldritch Artifacts

22. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to join any communist party for any reason. (Note from Thomas Drake- Hell yeah. Those guys suck.)

23. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to join any fascist party for any reason. (Note from Thomas Drake- Hell yeah. Those guys suck too.)

24. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to join the Imperial Cult, unless they are an already practicing member. (Note from Thomas Drake- LONG LIVE OUR GLORIOUS LEADER THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MAN AND IF YOU ARE AN INQUISITOR PLEASE NOTE I HAVE NEVER SAID ANYTHING BAD ABOUT THE EMPEROR EVER.)

25. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to taunt the Asari about how bad they are at fighting wars.

26. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to chew gum during staff meetings, unless they brought enough for everybody.

27. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to chew gum during staff meetings, even if they did bring enough for everyone.

28. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use Volus’s as bowling pins or bowling balls.

29. While we do not have jurisdiction over him and thus cannot prevent their sale, none of the other Scoundrels are to purchase or proquire experimental drugs from Thomas Drake.

30. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to imply that their superior officers served in World War II. They aren’t that old.

31. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use military vehicles to “squish” things.

32. Surprisingly enough, or, perhaps not, considering what’s on there, downloading the entirety of 4chan into a Geth Colossus did, in fact, shut it down.

33. Loudspeaker systems are not to be used to broadcast the soundtracks of porno movies.

34. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to drink copious amounts of food coloring before urine tests.

35. When operating military vehicles, the Scoundrels are no longer allowed to attempt “something I saw in a cartoon”.

36. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.

37. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to make s’mores while on guard duty.

38. The Illuminati are not a part of the chain of command.

39. Pants are not optional parts of a dress uniform.

40. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”. (Note from Peter Quill- They were pretty cool though.)

41. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to call medics “Dr. Feelgood” unless Feelgood is the medic’s actual last name.

42. The God-Emperor of Mankind is not to be referred to as “Big Daddy E” or “The Lord of Bling”.

43. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to take the batteries from other peoples alarm clocks.

44. Unless you are a certified Titan Pilot, you are not allowed to pilot a Titan.

45. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.

46. “Challenge accepted” is not a valid excuse for anything.

47. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to claim that they are reincarnations of famous historical figures without proof.

48. Thomas Drake is a human mercenary. He does not possess any of the following:

Laser eyes

Laser nostrils

Laser [CENSORED]

An adamantium skeleton

A map leading to “all of the Nazi gold”

Mjolnir

The Kronorium

The Necronomicon

The Book of Magnus

“The touch”

“The power”

“The secret”

“The 6th sense”

The ability to distinguish between butter and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!

49. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to start theological debates between members of the Imperial Cult and the Covenant.

50. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to mock Stormtroopers of the Galactic Empire over how bad their aim is. Even if their aim is bad.

51. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to hold “Jamaican vacation giveaways”.

52. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to sell counterfeit Infinity Stones.

53. Pictures of other Scoundrels in compromising positions are not to be put on the internet. Or the extra- or holo- net.

54. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to “water” Vrul. While they do get their energy from photosynthesis, they are not plants.

55. The Scoundrels are not “the final bosses” of anything.

56. The Scoundrels must try not to antagonize SPECTREs, Inquisitors, or ODSTs.

57. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on government time.

58. There are no evil clowns living under your bed.

59. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to form press gangs.

60. The Scoundrels are not the kings or queens of cheese.

61. If the thought of something makes you giggle for more than 15 seconds, you are to assume you aren’t allowed to do it.

62. Crucifixes do not ward off superior officers, and you should not test that.

63. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to mount bayonets on heavy machine guns.

64. Try and keep all mockery of the press at an appropriate minimum.

65. You cannot imply your CO is possessed by anything.

66. You cannot trade your CO to the Covenant.

67. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use government resources to waterproof dirty magazines.

68. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.

69. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.

70. “I was drunk” is not a valid or appropriate excuse.

71. Mandalorian armor is not part of any of our governments’ full dress uniforms.

72. You should not yell “Kobe!” when blowing up enemy starships.

73. The “revolution” is not now.

74. Unless you are in extremely dire circumstances, you are not allowed to eat your uniform.

75. Body checking General officers is not a good idea.

76. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to tell police officers that belt-fed machine guns are “medicinal”.

77. If you check the box marked “Other” on official documents, you have to fill it out.

78. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to fill prescription drug bottles with M&M’s or Mike and Ike’s.

79. None of the Scoundrels possesses a name that, when spoken aloud, can kill.

80. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to challenge anyone to a duel.

81. The proper response to a briefing is not “that’s what you think”.

82. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to end official reports with Sabaton lyrics. Or lyrics from any metal band, for that matter.

83. The phrase “to conquer the Earth with an army of flying monkeys” is not to be said.

84. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to appeal to humanity’s baser instincts on recruitment posters.

85. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to refer to N7’s Iron Eye Soldiers Space Marines janitors anyone as “the cool kids”.

86. None of the Scoundrels have “won the internet” and are not authorized to declare that they or any other individual or individuals have done so.

87. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use redacted data in official reports as “mad-libs”.

88. The following are not appropriate sources for new crew members:

Temp agencies

Reality show talent pools

“Orphans”

��Urchins”

“Ragmuffins”

“Those sons of bitches who I know had a stacked deck”

Ex-girlfriends

Ex-boyfriends

Ex-partners of any variation whatsoever

Forum trolls

“Angsty teens”

89. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to sneak links to Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up into official reports.

90. None of the Scoundrels possess “voodoo powers”.

91. “Why not?” is not a valid excuse.

92. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to make masturbation jokes when in the presence of official dignitaries.

93. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to play the song Thriller when in the presence of anything that could be considered a zombie, which includes but is not limited to Curse of Unbelief victims, Vrul Zombies, and Reaper Husks.

94. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to say the phrase “elephant sauce”.

95. “No shirt, no shoes, no service” does not imply that undergarments are unnecessary.

96. The following words and phrases may not be used in marching cadence:

Budding sexuality

Necrophilia

I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead

Lubrication

Your mama

All Marines are latent homosexuals

Tantric yoga

Gotterdammerung

We’ve all got jackboots now

Any references to squid

97. You can’t have flashbacks to wars you weren’t in.

98. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis the world is going to end, more than once.

99. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to take or place bets on what would happen if the Tyranids fought the Flood.

100. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use the Enterprise’s transporters to steal things.

101. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use the phrase “We fight for Mother Russia!”

102. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to sing the National Anthem of the Soviet Union when entering or exiting buildings.

103. Adam Vir is no longer allowed to claim that “PTSD is just spicy nostalgia.”

104. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to try and get kidnapped by the Dark Eldar.

105. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to try to figure out a way to bring back the Protheans and the Forerunners so they can fight each other.

106. Drax the Destroyer is no longer allowed to claim that he can become invisible just by standing still.

107. Please do not confuse the primarchs of the Turian Hierarchy with the Primarchs of the Imperium of Man.

108. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to refer to Admiral Ackbar or any other member of the Mon Calamari race as “those calamari boys”.

109. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to address their superior officers as “bro”.

110. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to try and sell major political figures to Trazyn the Infinite.

111. Peter Quill is not a god.

112. Please refrain from using nicknames when referring to the Avengers, which includes but is not limited to calling Captain America “the spangly dude”, Thor “sparky guy”, Iron Man “my homie”, and Captain Marvel “Her”.

113. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use Titans as personal valets.

114. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to attempt to contact the Shadow Realm.

115. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to to steal artifacts from any of the following:

Luke Skywalker

Shadow Revenant

The Collector

Trazyn the Infinite

General Marder

The Adeptus Mechanicus

116. Thomas Drake is not allowed to be near any weapon capable of producing an explosive force greater than ten megatonnes.

117. Do not ever challenge a Klingon to a duel.

118. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to flip off Force ghosts.

119. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use the phrase “It’s boogaloo time!”

120. The Scoundrels are to stop introducing A.I.’s to the teachings of the Cult Mechanicus.

121. The Scoundrels are to stop referring to Thomas Drake as “Our Glorious Overlord.”

122. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to send porn to the Shadow Broker. This is the ninth hit on you guys we’ve had to stop.

123. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to refer to the crewmates or superiors of any of the other Scoundrels as “extremely hot”. Even if they are.

124. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to say that they are “super gay for Loki”.

125. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to pit a biotic, psyker, and Force-sensitive against each other just to “see what happens”.

126. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use this list as a resume.

127. The Scoundrels shall not may not begin their sentences with “thou shalt not”.

128. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to send videos of “the sax guy” to the Borg.

129. Jack Cooper does not have “tons of gold” hidden somewhere on the destroyed planet of Typhon.

130. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to tell Jedi or Astra Telepathica recruits “You’re a wizard, Harry”.

131. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to stand in the corner and twiddle their thumbs.

132. “YOLO” is not a valid excuse for anything.

133. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use this list as a to-do list.

134. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to attempt to replicate the experiments of Edward Richtofen from Call of Duty Zombies. Or the experiments of any other insane fictional doctor.

135. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to throw themselves through windows “to prove that the glass is unbreakable” for any reason whatsoever.

136. “Because reasons” is not a viable excuse.

137. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to refer to anyone else as “peasant” or “plebeian”.

138. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to tell new personnel fictional horror stories involving their families.

140. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to tell new personnel factual horror stories involving their families.

141. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to taunt eldritch beings imprisoned within artifacts.

142. Speedos are not part of formal attire.

143. If Ciaphas Cain is telling you a story about his exploits, he is exaggerating what he did, downplaying what he did, outrageously lying about what he did, and telling the complete truth about what he did all at the same time.

144. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to attempt to sell fictional stocks to the Tesraki or Ferengi.

145. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to attempt to defraud the stock exchange.

146. No religious deity is allowed to contradict orders from a superior officer.

147. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to dress up as each other.

148. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to make pin-up calendars. Especially of each other.

149. Vulcan nerve pinches do not work on Chaos Space Marines.

150. Shepard and Agent Coulson are not allowed to form a “Technically Undead Club”.

151. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to attempt to unmask members of the Mandalorian extremist cult known as ‘The Watch’.

152. Unless you want to lose nine months pay in twenty minutes, do not play cards with Han Solo, Ciaphas Cain, John Shepard, or Thomas Drake.

153. At all times, you should try and stay away from Revenant, Loki, and Cypher.

154. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to re-create scenes from Pulp Fiction.

155. Do not fake heart attacks around Dr. Krill. The poor guy is stressed enough as is.

156. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to challenge Thomas Drake and Liara T’Soni to a “who knows more secrets” game. Lord Inquisitor Hector Rex was very displeased when Drake stole the Grimoire of True Names. (Note from Amberley Vail- How the hell did he manage to get his hands on that?)

157. Thomas Drake is no longer allowed to steal things from the Imperium of Man or the Jedi Order, considering the consequences of such artifacts being in the wrong hands. (Note from Thomas Drake- Of course. I would never…)

158. It is not a good idea to piss off any Scoundrel that considers themselves an information broker.

159. Introducing the Black Templars to heavy metal was, in retrospect, a bad idea.

160. Any ancient alien technology should be submitted to the proper authorities, not sold on Ebay.

161. Challenging a Klingon, Sangheili, or Drev to a duel is a horrible idea. As already mentioned. However, challenging a Custodian to a duel is suicidal.

162. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use Tony Stark’s nicknames for anyone.

163. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use telepaths in casinos.

164. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to start “prank wars”.

165. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to sell themselves or any part of themselves to Trazyn the Infinite.

166. Be warned. If you challenge any of the Scoundrels to do something sexual, they will most likely do it.

167. Do not challenge John-117 or John Shepard to a drinking game. They cannot get drunk. You will die of alcohol poisoning before they’re even a little tipsy.

168. While several of the Scoundrels are members of highly elite military forces, none of them are members of any of the following:

The Swiss Guard

The 101st Airborne Division

The Winged Hussars

The Immortals

Napoleon’s Imperial Guard

The SAS

The 62nd Red Army

Spetznaz

The CIA

The KGB

169. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to kidnap penguins.

170. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to mount bayonets on bayonets.

171. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to hand over annoying journalists to the Borg.

172. Do not ever say the phrase “What’s the worst that could happen?”

173. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to hold contests to see who can cause more of these rules to be created.

174. Adam Vir is to stop bringing new alien species onboard the Omen as pets.

175. The Scoundrels are surprisingly creative when it comes to revenge. Don’t piss them off.

176. Unless you are a Space Marine or Sister of Battle, “Deus Vult” is not a valid excuse.

177. If you need upgrades to your weapons and gear, please use the engineers on your team or other government approved individuals.

178. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to host their own version of the Hunger Games.

179. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to quote Monty Python.

180. No matter how good they are with technology, the Scoundrels are no longer allowed to get any members of the following species to upgrade their gear:

Protheans

Forerunners

Necrons

Eldar

Rakata

181. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to attempt to summon any of the following beings to the material universe or into space ruled by any of our governments:

The Nightbringer

Darth Nihilus

Lord Vitiate

The Old Ones

The Kwa

The Reapers

Deus

The Dominion

Any C’tan

Any individual or entity associated with the Ruinous Powers

Shadow Revenant

182. If you ask them to, most of the Scoundrels will, in fact, “draw you like one of their French girls”.

183. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to bring members of extremely logical-minded species to modern art museums.

184. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to seduce diplomats.

185. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to yell “Ramming speed!” when at the controls of their starships.

186. There is only one God-Emperor of Mankind, and none of the Scoundrels are it.

187. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use Batarian soldiers as target practice.

188. The Imperial Inquisition encourages the Scoundrels to use heretics as target practice.

189. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to initiate random fire drills.

190. Shepard is no longer allowed to lord his SPECTRE status over Alliance enlisted personnel or other “lesser beings”.

191. Adam Vir is not allowed to tell fictional horror stories about Operation Steel Eye.

192. Adam Vir is not allowed to tell factual horror stories about Operation Steel Eye.

193. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to say the phrase “We ride at dawn!”.

194. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to pool their resources to buy any starship over a kilometer long.

195. THE SCOUNDRELS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO STEAL STAR DESTROYERS OR ANY OTHER STARSHIP OVER A KILOMETER IN LENGTH.

196. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to make clones of each other.

197. None of the Scoundrels have holidays named after them. (Addendum: Cain does, on the planet of Perelia.)

198. The Scoundrels are encouraged to stay away from the planet Perelia.

199. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to refer to their crew as “my glorious minions”.

200. John-117 is no longer allowed to attempt orbital reentry with nothing but his suit of armor.

201. Do not imply that Caiphas Cain and Amberley Vail are in a relationship, because, no matter how probable it may seem, Amberley will kill you.

202. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to sell toasters to the Adeptus Mechanicus.

203. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to hold “Casual Fridays”.

204. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to use jetpacks.

205. Don’t try to blackmail Drake. The last time someone tried to do this, it was with his sexual history. He laughed in their face and personally published the video on the internet. His public approval rating then went up 30%.

206. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to attempt to replicate the experiments of the Vault-Tech Corporation from the Fallout video game series.

207. The Scoundrels are no longer allowed to play Triumphal March whenever they enter or exit a room.

208. None of the Scoundrels are to be allowed anywhere near a lightsaber.

209. None of the Scoundrels are allowed or authorized to knight anyone.

210. None of the Scoundrels are allowed to edit this list.

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fantasy-so-far · 4 years ago

Note

[ 🌎 ] are there any aus you have for your muse? what are they like, and how is your muse different in them?

Searsha has existed in three games before this one, and I consider each one to be a sort of twisted AU. The soul of the character, her core characteristics, are always relatively the same, but she is changed to fit into each realm she inhabits. I will give a little rundown for each, but I apologize in advance if I gush a little. I really love this character.

Rift!Searsha

Telara was a world that was being invaded and overrun by the planar dragons and their minions by way of planar rifts. To combat the creatures, and prevent an apocalypse, souls were called back from the dead and put into bodies to save the world. These beings were called Ascended, and Searsha was one such being. Because of her pseudo-immortality and the heavy burden of her responsibilities, Rift!Searsha was far more violent and unstable. She had worshipped Death in her mortal life and felt robbed of her destiny when she was brought back to life. She hated other Ascended but loved living mortals, so she balanced her time between developing and testing artifacts that could kill Ascended while also saving mortals from danger. She was highly antagonistic and played her role as a villain in several stories.

GW2!Searsha (Guild Wars 2)

This Searsha was a Sylvari, or a plant person. She was a bit more of an alien to the world since she was very young. She had a fascination with the creatures who were made of flesh and blood, and that fascination was occasionally inappropriate. She sort of had a thing for feeling the warmth of blood on her hands…which was frowned upon, generally. She also worshipped Death but did so as it was a part of the natural cycle. Most of her story revolved around trying to understand the human god Grenth and trying to connect with people. However, since she was an unabashed assassin, that wasn’t easy for her, and she was often hunted as an antagonist even if she didn’t know that what she did was wrong. [Note: She never killed or attacked player characters, but she still earned enough of a reputation that “hero” characters liked to try and hunt her down. It was all in good fun.]

WoW!Searsha (World of Warcraft)

WoW!Searsha was a Kaldorei or Night Elf. She was an outrunner in Ashenvale who considered herself to be the left hand of Death. She had a headcanon faith revolving around Death being Elune’s shadow, and so she devoted herself to Elune by way of serving in her shadow. This was all a guise to hunt down Horde raiders in her beloved forest. This version of Searsha did not last long because many people felt that characters supporting the faction war were too edgy and I scrapped her before her story really kicked off. I loved her and wrote for her in private, but she did not see much interaction.

FFXIV!Searsha

That brings us to her latest incarnation. This Searsha is a younger, more impressionable version of the character. Rather than being edgy like her previous versions, I have decided to lean into the angst and mystery of her core characteristics. My hope is to show how they develop under the influence of others, while also keeping her on track to be the beautiful monster she tends to be. I am very excited to see where she ends up.

Thank you for the ask, @tavard-ffxiv!

#thanks for the ask #ask #au

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waywardwrestlewritingwaif · 5 years ago

Text

Life of the Party

This is the fluffiest thing I’ve ever written and it still involves a swingers’ party. But seriously, other than the setting, this whole thing is just humor and boy-meets-girl cuteness.

Pairing: Adam Cole x reader

Word count: 2,117

Content advisory: nothing beyond the setting

“Could you please stop acting so uptight?” Jeanie asks, poking you hard in the ribs. “You said you wanted to try it.”

Yes, you have to admit, you did say that you wanted to try it. Jeanie had been sharing her stories with you and Ellen about going to the swinger parties hosted by a physiotherapist who regularly attended Jeanie’s yoga classes and her husband, and a month ago, she’d finally persuaded Ellen to come along to one. Ellen had been so impressed that she’d talked about it for a week nonstop and you finally had to concede that, yes, you were curious and that you did want to come along the next time there was an opportunity. And you had wanted to come along. You wanted to get into the spirit of liberation and exploration that these nights offered. But here you were, walking into a party with a very select guest list and all you could think of to do was make wisecracks.

Jeanie and Ellen were both insistent that you keep your mind open, to which you responded that you couldn’t keep your mind and legs open at the same time, which got a chortle but also a withering look from both of them. Your inclination was to separate from the crowd with them and to pass the night making catty comments. They, however, preferred to circulate and see who might be interested and what they might be interested in. Normally, sarcasm and irony were the weapons you used to prevent yourself from feeling vulnerable. But normally, your friends would be right beside you. Tonight, they weren’t so interested in smart remarks and were more interested in seeing what kind of adventure they could find. It was almost like disinterestedly scanning through Tinder and getting frustrated by playing eye contact games with guys in bars wasn’t enough for them anymore.

It took exactly 38 minutes for you to completely lose your sense of ironic invincibility. You know this because you’ve been able to time it on your phone. In those first minutes, you were joking with Jeanie and Ellen, then they chose to migrate into the crowd and started chatting with a few people. Then you’d just chilled on your own and thought it was funny how everyone else seemed to be trying to hook up with someone. Then it had occurred to you that everyone else was hooking up with someone, almost as if being open about what they wanted was something that wasn’t a source of humiliation for them the way it was for you. Then you’d realized that you were standing by yourself, protected by an impenetrable wall of sarcasm, completely isolated while everyone around you was getting laid.

You’d sure showed them. You alone had discovered the secret to not having sex at a party the point of which was to make sure that everyone had all the sex they wanted. Lucky for you that the guests were so distracted that it was easy to just steal alcohol from the refrigerator. It was like you were doing the hosts a favor, making sure that the supplies they laid in didn’t go to waste. There were little hors d’oeuvres on trays catered from a company whose treats didn’t come cheap, so you grabbed plate full of those too and retired to the back patio to feel awkward and superior and incredibly envious that there were people who could just approach other human beings and tell them they wanted to have sex with them and get it.

This goes fine for about fifteen minutes, or two full glasses of wine and about half the plate of exquisite mini pastries and vegetable art, at which point another solitary figure slinks out onto the patio with you. There is immediately a dirigible of silence between you, swollen with mutual desire, the desire to be left alone and to have no one notice you. On the other hand, it is also fueled by the awareness that the two of you are the party’s resident weirdos and that social convention demands that you try to forge some kind of connection so that you can eventually make eye contact and fall in love or something. It’s you who gives in first.

“Miniature sausage?”

The tumescent blimp of tension between you deflates as the man looks up with a combination of defensiveness and hostility.

You press the still half-eaten plate towards him. “They ordered these individual mini sausages with gourmet ingredients and everything. There’s like four different kinds and they all look like they’re made by hand. I mean, I can’t imagine they found a machine that could make them this size.”

He’s still giving you a bit of a suspicious look, scanning you for any sign that you’re mocking him but gradually he drags his chair a little closer to observe the food you’re proffering. He snatches up a tiny deconstructed spanakopita-type-thing that crumbles in an avalanche of phyllo crumbs over his dark shirt when he tries to take a bite.

“Those are a bit tricky,” you commiserate.

“So, you’re the… official taster?” he kids, obviously trying to project a bit of cool as he brushes himself more or less clean.

“Sure, we can go with that.” You once again extend the plate to let him try something else and, after allowing his hand to hover a moment, he takes one of the perfect little sausages.

“Ok,” he says, nodding, “you have a point. These are pretty awesome.”

You resist the urge to say ‘I told you so’ by pushing one of the salmon-lemongrass wraps into your mouth.

“You prefer fish?” he grins.

“I just like to eat.”

He laughs a little and, as ridiculously clichéd as it is, you bat your eyelashes because now that you’re able to get a better look at him, you feel your thighs inadvertently press together. He is really good looking. His light brown hair is drawn back into a loose chignon, and he has that perfected, give-a-shit scruff you’ve seen in musicians and you hope to god that he’s not one of those because they’re always such cocky assholes. But what really draws you in are the bright, sparkling, mischievous blue eyes. You can’t stop staring at them and into them, imaging what they’d look like sparked with lust and… you realize it’s been an inappropriately long time since either of you has said anything.

He takes your last oyster, the bastard, and tips the shell against his mouth, allowing the flesh to slide through his lips and over his tongue that flashes out for just a second to capture the drops of briny liquor. The change in his expression shows that he’s definitely caught you looking in a way that’s entirely appropriate to the party inside.

“So why aren’t you enjoying the main course?” you ask, trying not to be quite so obvious and hitching your head in the direction of the house.

“I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing here,” he sighs. “I was with my girlfriend, well, my ex-girlfriend now, for seven years. Two weeks ago I came home from a tour a day early and I run into her with her movers clearing all her stuff out of our condo. Braden’s my nutritionist and told me he and Sheryl were having this party and he thought it might be a good chance for me to shake off some of the… well, you know. Seven years with the same girl and now I’m single.”

Everything after “home from a tour” is a sort of verbal soup to you. A tour. He is a musician. Oh no.

“What about you?” he asks. “How did you end up on Fuck Island?”

“My friend Jeanie is Sheryl’s yoga instructor,” you squeak, wishing very much to leave it at that. He gives you a pointed stare and a smile that seems to light up the entire yard and so, feeling more than a little self-conscious, you continue, “My husband left me about a year ago and I haven’t been… well, I haven’t dated anyone since then and Jeanie figured that this might be a good opportunity to get back in the saddle.”

He gives you another big smile and you think, or at least hope, that there’s a bit of a flirtatious glint in his eye. “I didn’t know they had a saddle too.”

It’s a silly joke but it does make you laugh and that makes you feel a little less awkward that you basically told a complete stranger that you got your ass dumped and hadn’t had sex since. Still, you’re eager to move on.

“So you’re a musician?”

“What? Oh, because I was on tour. No, I’m a professional wrestler.”

And that, you think, might be worse than a musician, because it’s sort of like being a jock version of a rock star, right? All of the testosterone and none of the creativity?

“What do you do?” he asks, pleasantly enough.

“I’m the curator at the A.E. Backus Gallery.”

His dazzling eyes widen. “Wow…” he stammers, “Art.”

You giggle and pour yourself another glass of wine. “Wow… Wrestling.”

He leans in and takes the bottle from you, gulping directly from it as he leans back into his chair. “I’m not really arty.”

“Not at all?”

“Does videogame art count?”

“It can,” you answer, pushing a note of gentle humor into your voice.

“Well then I guess I’m a bit of a collector. Maybe you can sell me something.” He hitches his eyebrows a little and it is endearing.

“I didn’t know wrestling paid so well.”

“It does when you’re as good at it as I am,” he grins, taking another long swig from the wine bottle.

His arm is slowly moving towards you and you’ve leaned forward so that you’re at once helping to close the distance between you and giving him a nice view of the tops of your breasts, something which does not appear to go unappreciated. Feeling a little cheeky, you take a big drink from your wine glass and allow a drop to fall from your lips. As you were hoping, he reaches over and brushes it away with his thumb. His eyes are definitely more intense, more curious and threaded with a hint of lust and they are every bit as thrilling as you thought they would be.

“I’m Adam,” he whispers.

“Eva,” you tell him, and you both laugh a little at that.

“So I guess we really should be naked.”

“Or if we felt self-conscious, I think that one of the hors d’oeuvres has some minced grape or fig leaves.”

“Are you suggesting that I would be able to cover myself with just a tiny sausage?”

You laugh again and blush because his hand is still resting against your face, stroking your cheek ever so softly.

His eyes flicker towards the house and he struggles for a minute to form words, his jaw twitching a little with the effort. And as much as you feel yourself growing damp at the idea of being with him, the idea of doing so in a sauna of sex mist is not working for you.

“I cannot tell you,” he begins finally, waving a hand towards the indoors, “how uncomfortable I am with this whole thing.”

“Oh,” you exhale in sweet relief, “you don’t need to tell me because I just… This is not my scene. No judgment but this just isn’t going to work as a way of getting back out there.”

He gives you a wink. “Eva, would you like to go somewhere and not have sex with me for a bit?”

You look down at what you’re wearing, dismayed. “I’m basically wearing lingerie.”

“You look beautiful.”

“I feel naked.”

“It’s ok,” he assures you. “I know an amazing place to get drive through. You know. If that’s something art gallery girls can get into.”

“I can get into that.”

He stands and offers you his arm, the muscle flexing a little as he helps you up and sending an electric shiver through your core. Toned and firm but not the bulked-up, steroid-ridden balloon you would have imagined all pro wrestlers to possess. You bite your lip and he definitely notices, edging just a little closer to you,

“I really hope no one’s fucking in my car,” he says wistfully.

“I’m so glad I came here in a cab.”

The two of you share a conspiratorial glance as you pick your way down the driveway and onto the street towards his hopefully unoccupied car. No sex for a bit, you tell yourself, but maybe not too long of a bit.

#nxt imagine #wwe imagine #nxt fanfiction #adam cole fanfiction #adam cole imagine #adam cole x reader #wayward wrestle writing #wrestling imagine #wrestling fanfic

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monotonous-minutia · 4 years ago

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what was your theater experience growing up like? I know you have mentioned it before, but I’d love to hear more!

answering this depends on if you want the long version or the short version. But because I feel like telling it, we're gonna go with the long version.

(also I should preface this by saying I was home schooled and so I did not have any access to theatrical things through school.)

It starts on what seems like an unrelated note.

When I was a little kid (like really little, like 5 or so) my parents would always play lullaby CDs for us (my three brothers and I) when we went to bed. I've had issues with sleep for as long as I can remember, so I continued to listen to music every night until I was maybe 12 or 13 to try and get to sleep.

When I was around 10 I think, my mom's parents sent us a CD for Christmas or someone's birthday that was a lullaby CD, but it was all classical music. I loved it so it became my every night CD. The problem was, I got so into the music, it wouldn't actually put me to sleep. I wanted to stay up and listen to the music and read the sleeve of the CD case to see what all the songs were and who wrote them, and to feel the stories that the music was telling me. It was more than just a series of moms singing essentially “go to sleep” over and over. The music in this CD was interspersed with bits of dialogue that went along with the feeling of the music, and that just fascinated me; how someone could be telling a story with music that didn’t have any words.

So I started getting classical music CDs from the library to listen to during the day, so I could get into it when I wasn’t trying to fall asleep. I was primarily obsessed with Mozart, Vivaldi, and Handel, though I had a lot of other favorites too. There was also this really cool series of CDs that took the music of various composers and used them as a soundtrack for stories about the actual composers (the Classical Kids series) and I just ate them all up. I couldn't get enough.

People started to figure out classical music was just becoming My Thing, so I got a bunch of CDs for my various birthdays/Christmas and from the library. And one day my mom grabbed a CD of Die Zauberflote.

I got obsessed with it and once finished it, I kept listening to it over and over again. Then I wanted to see if there was a video recording of a performance that we could watch, because I loved the story and wanted to see how it would be acted out. The one copy our entire library system had was the Drottingholm Court Theater (1989) one, which to this day remains my favorite.

So now I was on the opera train, and I wanted to hear more. We listened to Nozze (though our mom wouldn't let us watch a video of this one; she said it was inappropriate. Also she hated the idea of a woman dressing up as a boy, so anything Cherubino-related was out); we listened to Barbiere, Carmen, and La boheme (these three we were allowed to watch videos of). After that my brothers got bored, but I didn't. I'd found my new obsession.

I continued to listen to operas on my own (and did occasionally manage to get a video or two in the house to watch). Then, because I am A Nerd, I started reading about them--summaries of ones I couldn't find; researching source material; reading about various performers and opera houses...pretty much anything I could get my hands on. All of this continued up until I went to college, which then took up the majority of my life (although I was able to take advantage of the university’s extensive library which had, among other things, DVDs of the ROH Zauberflote with Diana Damrau and Simon Keenlyside and the Met Hansel and Gretel with Frederica von Stade).

Now there's another aspect of this that contributes. I wrote a lot when I was a kid. Like a LOT. If I wasn't doing school or playing outside or listening to music, I was writing stories. Pretty much all of my old stories are dead now for reasons I won't get into. But one thing that stuck around was the desire to write plays. First I wanted to write an opera; the past few years obsessing over them made me want to write my own. But I couldn’t (and still can’t) read music, or write music, or even play an instrument. In my research, though, I'd found a lot of operas were based on plays, so I figured I could write one, and maybe later on down the line I’d find someone who could put it to music.

The only problem was I'd never seen a play. Not even a recording of one. it’s hard to write a play if you’ve never seen one and don’t understand how theater works.

I tried to remedy this by just reading a lot of plays. Our library had an entire section dedicated to drama, about three shelves big. I spent a lot of time there. I tried to figure out what made a good play, but you know, you just can't get the same experience without seeing one.

Then, when I was around 15 I think, I got my first "babysitting" gig, which was just me watching my little brother play video games with a kid a little younger than him. While I watched them play, I talked to the kid's mom (who was there so it really wasn't a gig), and I found out she was an actress that worked and volunteered at some local theaters.

I'd found my way in.

When I encountered her again, I asked if she knew of any ways I could get involved in the theater scene in town (there were a surprising amount of theaters nearby). There were two in particular that needed volunteers, so she connected me to some people. I got to know the staff at the theaters, help out in the box office, do some backstage stuff, usher, and occasionally help the actors with their lines and blocking. But the best part was I got to see a ton of shows for free by virtue of being a volunteer. During the next two summers, I was seeing a show almost every week, sometimes multiple times a week. It was glorious.

I also got to be involved in some of their youth shows; I actually got a few acting parts despite the fact that I'm a pretty bad actor and horrible at memorizing lines. More fun than that, I got to help out as a sort of assistant director for some children's theater workshops put on by local actors. Every Saturday for a summer, I went to one of the theaters to help guide a group of kids (it changed every week) in theater activities and act out a Roald Dahl story that they then performed for their parents. I absolutely loved doing this; I loved working alongside professional performers; I loved being able to participate in theater on a level I was comfortable with; I loved that I could get out of my freaking house; and I loved working with the kids. (Incidentally this is also what got me interested in working with kids, which has been my profession for the past six years.) So that, plus the volunteering, was the biggest part of my theater experience growing up.

Side note, it was through the magic of theater (and one enormous crush on a fellow volunteer) that made me realize I was gay. Of course, because the managers of one of the theaters ALSO happened to be gay (and married), my parents figured I'd been Converted(tm), and that's where the positivity about theater in my house ended. But once I got to college, I had fewer restraints, so I was free to get involved in theater (though I quickly realized a theater major was not for me). I did a bit of acting (never in mainstage shows), but mostly I participated in playwright groups and events. This is where I began writing plays in earnest and actually became good at it. It helped me get over the whole not-being-able-to-act thing. Plus I got to see a lot of shows because they were either a) free or b) severely discounted for students.

I almost got to go to a Big City to participate in a regional college theater festival by virtue of participating in a classmate’s theater project, but for reasons I also don’t need to go into, I was literally the only one who ended up not being able to go.

Aside from that though (an the ill-fated class I mentioned to you a while back), most of my theater experiences have been really positive, and I’m really grateful for that because it helped me get through some tough times at home. Plus there’s nothing like the joy of being involved in live performance. Once COVID winds down and I’m done with school, I want to see if I can get involved in some of the local theater groups in my city. I do still have a connection with one theater group from my old hometown (the one that did the readings of my plays), but the pandemic really put a nix on that. They’re still doing some virtual stuff though.

So anyway that’s probably way more information than you wanted but yeah. That’s my story.

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bittysvalentines · 5 years ago

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The Science of Crushes

From @17piesinseptember

To @jackzimmermemes

Happy (Bitty's) Valentine's!! I hope you have a fantastic day.

Justin/Tater, general rating, no archive warnings

Justin is in the middle of packing-up when a man rushes into the museum's lecture theatre, startling him. Thankfully, he was only holding a packet of balloons and not one of the more lethal accessories he uses in his science demonstration.

“Can I help you?” Justin asks, starting to gather the balloons now scattered over the table.

The man’s figure is shadowy. The stage lights are on but Justin switched off the audience lights after everyone left. The only thing Justin can discern is that the man is tall.

“Have I miss the show?” the guy asks. He has an accent that Justin thinks is some kind of Eastern European. It sparks something in his memory but he doesn’t know why.

“Yes, sorry. I just finished,” Justin tell the man.

The man says something in a foreign language. Justin doesn’t know exactly what but he’s certain it’s a swear word.

“You have another today?” the man asks, walking toward him, every step bringing him more into the light. Not only is he tall, but he’s broad as well.

“No. Sorry,” Justin apologises, still gathering balloons. “I’ve got two tomorrow though. One at eleven and the other…”

Justin trails off as the man comes fully into the light and Justin realises why the voice was familiar.

The man is Alexei Mashkov, former Falconers player and Justin’s celebrity crush all through college.

Seeing him in the flesh brings a flash of the old attraction back and Justin’s heart speeds up despite him being fifteen years out of college and not having watched a game in years.

"The other?" Alexei prompts.

"At two."

"Okay. Will remember."

Alexei turns and walks out before Justin can quite process that he was in the presence of Alexei Mashkov.

True to his word, Alexei turns up to Justin’s 2pm show the next day.

Sure, Alexei asked Justin about his show times, but Justin didn’t really expect the man to turn up. Which adult comes two days in a row to the same kid-centric science and technology museum?

Justin deals with Alexei's presence by trying to ignore him and stick to his script. It doesn’t work. Alexei is the odd one out in the audience, not only because of his height and his fame (and Justin’s rekindled college-days attraction), but because he sits and takes notes during the whole show.

After the big finale with the liquid nitrogen and a balloon, the room clears quickly. Except for one person.

Justin swallows, throat dry, as Alexei approaches with the notebook in his hands.

Justin should have a better grasp on his hormones after having lived with them for 37 years. He apparently doesn’t.

“No kid?” Justin asks, because of the not-having-a-grasp-on-his-hormones thing, and it seemed better than blurting out that he used to have a poster of Alexei in his college dorm.

Alexei frowns, but responds. “I don’t have children.”

Justin’s stomach twists in embarrassment. “Sorry. I wasn’t asking that. That’s unprofessional. I mean, no kid here with you?” Justin isn’t making things better. He decides biting his tongue is the solution.

“Ah.” Alexei’s expression smooths out and he shakes his head. “Is no kid. Just me.”

“You came to the kids’ science show by yourself?”

Will biting his tongue was unsuccessful. He’ll have to try something else.

“Yes. I come to learn.” Alexei holds the notebook up. “Then can go back and tell niece about show.”

“That’s sweet,” Justin tells Alexei, while his brain is flipping out to see Alexei’s sweet side up close. It was always part of the narrative during his time in the NHL; ferocious on the ice and a big teddy bear off it.

“Thank you. She meant to be here but a few days ago, she fall badly,” Alexei explains. “Now can’t walk while healing.”

“That’s rough,” Justin empathises, surprised Alexei is still standing here engaging him in an actual conversation.

"Yes. Spending holidays in hospital not fun."

“Which hospital is your niece at? If you don't mind me asking."

"Royal Far West."

Justin nods. "I know it. I did a rotation there when I was in med school."

Alexei looks at the table covered with Justin's props. "You have gone to med school?"

Justin laughs at the look on Alexei's face. "Yeah. Burnt out after ten years though. It's intense."

"Intense. I understand this."

Alexei looks down (down!) at him and Justin feels like he's back in college. No, even worse. In high school.

Alexei holds his hand out to Justin. "I'm Alexei."

Justin catches himself from replying 'I know', finally on top (somewhat) of his hormones. "Doctor Justin Oluransi."

Alexei’s hand is rough and warm. And large.

"Doctor Oluransi." He smiles at Justin.

"Justin is fine,” Justin replies as a shiver runs through him at the way Alexei shapes his name. Maybe his college crush isn't as in the past as he thought.

Not knowing how to act on that, but trying to extend his time in Alexei’s orbit, Justin makes a suggestion. "Look. If your niece is stuck in a hospital bed, I can get in touch with the hospital and arrange to do a show there."

Alexei’s eyebrows raise. "You can?"

"Sure. I've done it before. We have a partnership with them."

"You are a saint,” Alexei says earnestly.

Justin flushes. "Let's see if the hospital approves it before declaring my sainthood."

Alexei throws his head back and laughs. Justin’s stomach feels fluttery and he subtly pinches his leg. Yep. It’s real. Alexei is laughing at something he said.

The hospital is more than happy for Justin to come and do an abridged version of one of his presentations. Then Justin is stuck with how he passes that information on to Alexei. The hospital could have done it for him but he wanted to speak to Alexei again. Thankfully, he's on good terms with a lot of the staff still, and when he explains the situation he's pointed in the right direction.

He finds Alexei's niece in a private room already crammed full of flowers and get well cards. If he didn't know after some late night googling that Alexei was childless and single (not that he's focusing on the second part) he would've assumed they were father and daughter. She has his exact colouring.

Alexei is thankfully in the room and chatting to his niece whose entire left leg up to mid-thigh is covered in plaster. Justin at least knows the language is Russian now, even if he still doesn't understand a single word.

The girl spots him first and says something to Alexei that puts a blush on his cheeks.

"Doctor Oluransi!" Alexei unfolds himself from the chair and comes over to shake Justin's hand. Justin's still not over how towering his height is. It's so rare anyone is taller than Justin. All the man has done is say hello and Justin's already got jelly legs.

"I don't have to do my presentation in Russian, do I?" Justin jokes, holding onto Alexei's hand too long.

"No, no. Sandra first language is English."

"Uncle Alexei is just teaching me Russian for fun," Sandra explains.

Justin turns to her, hoping he appears casual and not flustered because Alexei's now holding his shoulder. "For fun, huh."

Sandra nods. "Yep."

"I get it. I used to try to memorise the periodic table," Justin tells her.

"Already done that," she grins.

"Already--" Justin looks at Alexei who nods at the declaration. The pride for his niece is clear.

Justin must hold Alexei's gaze too long because Sandra clears her throat to get their attention.

"Uncle Alexei, can you get me a coke please?"

"Yes. Of course." Alexei turns to Justin. "You come also?"

"Actually," Sandra interrupts. "Can I ask you some science questions, Doctor Oluransi? Please?" She asks so innocently Justin gets the feeling there's an ulterior motive.

"Well, uh, I guess if it's okay with Alexei?"

Justin can't believe he just used Alexei's name like they're close enough to be on first name terms. He pinches himself. Yep. He really did that.

"Is okay,” Alexei confirms immediately. “I trust you. Plus, am very bad remembering facts, even after writing down. You will do better."

Alexei leaves them alone and Justin takes the seat by Sandra's bed. "What do you want to know?"

"Do you like my uncle?"

So much for Justin appearing casual. "That is not a science question."

"You're a scientist, so it half is,” Sandra points out.

Sandra's intelligence astounds him again. "I'd rather not discuss feelings I may or may not have for Alexei with you."

Sandra pouts. "Fine. Being in here is so boring though."

"So is my love life," Justin sighs.

Realising it's maybe inappropriate to have shared that, he moves on quickly. "I think I can make it less boring, though. I came here to--"

"So you do like Uncle Alexei!" Sandra sits up straight and fist-pumps.

"No.”

“But you just said--”

“I was talking about you being bored. Not my love life."

"Oh." She slumps back against the pillows.

"Right. Well.” Justin worries he isn’t making a good impression with Sandra. Not that it’s something he should be worrying about; making a good impression with Alexei’s niece.

“The hospital is letting me do a science show here on the weekend,” he tells Sandra.

Sandra's face lights up again. "That's so cool. Really?"

Alexei returns then with the coke. "What so cool?"

"Doctor Oluransi is doing a science show here on the weekend!"

"See?” Alexei crosses to them and places his hand on Justin’s shoulder. “You are like saint."

Justin's going to have to be more careful about letting his rekindled attraction show while Sandra's in the room. Thankfully, it’s impossible for her to see how fast his pulse is racing as Alexei’s fingers graze the skin above his collar.

“You forgot the straw,” Sandra pouts at her uncle.

“Ah. Sorry. Think I was distract.”

Sandra sends Justin an indecipherable look at Alexei's words.

“I go get now.”

Alexei shoots an apologetic smile at Justin. As soon as he’s out of the room, Sandra grins at Justin.

"You do like him," she declares, and takes a sip of her coke without waiting for the straw.

Justin doesn’t try and deny it this time.

Justin prepares for the show like he would any other, even though it’s at the hospital and even though he knows Alexei is going to be in the audience. He’s decided that even though he’s clearly still attracted to the man, there isn’t a future there and he shouldn’t spend time imagining one.

Alexei goes with Sandra back to her room after the show. Justin tries not to feel upset by the fact, but even without the daydreaming, a part of him was hoping Alexei would come and talk to him after the show (that part of him may have gone so far as to make Justin dream of that very thing happening last night).

Telling himself it’s for the best, and he should let his interest in Alexei fade, Justin is totally blindsided when Alexei finds him in an elevator on his way out of the hospital.

“Ah-ha!” Alexei exclaims, stepping inside. “I find you!”

Alexei doesn’t press any of the floor buttons. The doors close and the elevator continues taking Justin down to the parking lot.

“You were looking for me?” Justin knows it’s not possible for his heart to flip over in his chest, but it feels like that’s what happens when Alexei nods.

“Of course I look for you,” Alexei tells him. “Need to say how amazing show was.”

Alexei’s eyes are on Justin. His dreams haven’t done them justice. They’re so warm, Justin feels his blood heating just from staring at them.

The moment is broken as the elevator opens and a mother and son enter. Alexei shuffles in closer to Justin to give them room. Goosebumps run up Justin’s arm when their elbows bump. He’s never found his elbow an erogenous zone but there’s a first time for everything.

The child stares at Alexei. Justin sees the moment he realises who he’s in the elevator with. The kid’s jaw drops and his eyes widen. Justin hopes his face wasn’t that transparent in his adoration when Alexei showed up at his show that first time. It mustn’t have been, otherwise Alexei would have run the other way.

“You’re Alexei Mashkov,” the child announces.

“Honey, don’t bother the man,” the mother tells her son.

“Is no problem,” Alexei smiles and crouches down in front of the kid. “You can call me Tater.”

The kid beams. “Can you sign my cast, Tater?” The child lifts his arm. His cast is already half covered with scribbles. Alexei adds his name.

“Thank you so much,” the mother says as they exit at the gift shop floor, leaving Justin and Alexei alone in the elevator again.

Justin is thoroughly charmed by Alexei’s interaction with the kid. The college crush he had on the man that flared up when Alexei showed up at his first show hasn’t gone away like Justin was imagining it would. Every interaction they have, Justin discovers more of Alexei. And it makes him want to know even more.

Justin doesn’t think he’s in a position to ask for that though, not from a man he’s only interacted with a handful of times.

As soon as the doors shut, Alexei turns to Justin. Justin notices they aren’t standing as close anymore.

"Sorry,” Alexei apologises. Justin isn’t sure what for until he continues. “Happens a few time with me. Was hockey player in NHL for many years."

"I know,” Justin tells him.

Alexei blinks. "You know? You know who I am all times we talk?"

“I used to follow hockey," Justin admits.

Alexei shuffles on his feet, ending up closer to Justin. “Used to? Where we go wrong?”

Alexei smiles and Justin laughs. He never thought he'd be teased by Alexei Mashkov. Maybe asking Alexei out isn’t the ridiculous fantasy he first thought.

“You didn’t go wrong,” he assures Alexei. “I did a doctorate and that took most of my brainspace for 3 years. I never got back into it after that.”

“If you want to start again, I maybe get you tickets to a game?" Alexei suggests. "Falconers, of course.”

Justin's jaw drops. "Seriously?"

"Yes. Serious.” Alexei nods. He shuffles his weight again and ends up so close Justin can smell his deodorant. “You do so much for Sandra. You are great, smart, kind man."

Justin's insides melt. He knows it isn't possible, but he can’t think of another way to describe it.

“That would… That would--Yeah. Okay,” Justin stammers. “That's amazing, Alexei.”

“Okay." Alexei smiles. The right side of his mouth pulls up higher. Justin’s enamoured by it.

"And I go with, then. Like date.”

Justin’s brain short-circuits. He’d only come around ten seconds ago to the possibility of asking Alexei out. Now Alexei is maybe asking him out?If twenty-year old Justin could see him now.

“Like a date. Or a date?” Justin checks.

“Ah, I not want to pressure you.”

“I’m a grown man. I can say no if I want.”

“Are you say no?”

Justin is the one to move closer this time. “No way. I'm saying yes.”

#bitty's valentines #omg check please #check please #ransomtater #bv2020 #check please fandom

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the-haunted-knight · 5 years ago

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Rules and Headcanons

Greetings! This’ll be one of the few times I write as the host here. You all know the drill. This may be updated at my leisure though.

1. No NSFW/Flirting

Ghost, at least here, is a child. I don’t care who you ship for the most part. But for THIS blog in particular, Ghost is a child. And will react as such when being hit on or getting inappropriate comments. Disgusted and most likely stabbing you. Or I’ll straight up ignore you.

2. I have the right to deny anyone rp if I do not feel up to it, or simply do not want to engage with them

While this may not be a big deal here, I know in some other fandoms it is. People hating on blog owners for not wanting to do nsfw, or engage with something. So I’m stating this now. I’m doing this because I want to, because it’s fun for ME, and because I love this game and want to see more of it. I can shut this down at any time I want, or simply not allow asks anymore and keep it as an rp blog for close friends.

3. Please be literate/understandable

I do not mind if English is not your first language, as long as I can get the gist of what you’re saying. However, I do request trying to keep things like text talk low, unless it’s an OOC thing and you’re trying to tell something quickly. I just..don’t understand most text talk. I’ll let you know if I can’t understand what you’re trying to say, or politely correct if asked.

4. Play Nice

I shouldn’t have to say this but I well. If you don’t like my version of Ghost, that’s fine. If you wanna discuss different versions of Ghost that is also fine, hit me up. But do NOT start hating on me, harassing me, or anyone who engages with me because you disagree. Team Cherry said it themselves, anything not explicitly contradicted with canon is possible. And even then AU’s, headcanons, and different versions exist. Also just generally don’t be mean OOC, I’ll just wind up ignoring you or turning off asks to be honest.

5. I am willing to engage with OC’s!

As the rule says, feel free to try and start an rp with your OC’s, just make it clear what relationship their meant to have to ghost(if any at all). As long as it isn’t girlfriend/boyfriend/significant other. Again, not accepting ships on this blog.

If you wanna be a pseudo parent? Sure! Close friend? Gladly. Sibling? GO right ahead, welcome to the family!

6. All RP’s are independent of each other unless explicitly stated.

Another self explanatory one. Unless stated directly, all RP’s do not exist together in one timeline or anything.

Addendum

I WILL allow secret admirers as long as you don’t jump into flirting/nsfw territory. If you wanna be like Bretta and admire from afar, or be blushy and shy when directly interacting... I can work with that. It’s believable, Ghost canonically had an admirer and has done a lot of awesome things worthy of admiration.

And occasionally, I may do a somewhat shippy roleplay. Specifically with someone I trust. I will not do anything explicit, as well as the shippy rp depending very heavily on my mood at that time. But the requirements for that are trusting them, and also them having a child character or doing an aged up Ghost(if I ever do this, anyway.) But I will NOT allow nsfw on this Blog. It makes me personally uncomfortable and just doesn’t suit Ghost to me, since I repeat, THEY ARE A CHILD.

With that said..onto Headcanons! 1. Ghost is not hollow

This is pretty self explanatory, Ghost is not completely hollow. They have feelings, opinions, thoughts and dreams all on their own. They have likes and dislikes. They do not express it often or a ton unless around trusted individuals.

2. Vessels can communicate!

Vessels can communicate via telepathy together, or they simply use sign language.Hallownest has a common sign language and then various versions of it depending on where/how they grew up

3. Ghost is a child, and somewhat traumatized

Ghost is like I said above, a child. A child who had to take on too much responsibility very young. They have issues. There will be angst.

4. Vessels grow in cocoons, under the condition of being well cared for

This is on the off-chance I do something involving Ghost entering adolescents. My idea is that vessels grow in cocoons made of void and soul. They stay there from like a week to maybe a month or two as the shade works on their body. This is only eligible in areas where they are well cared for, and there is plenty of void/soul in the area. This is a headcanon I am willing to change depending on the rp, but this is generally what I go with unless otherwise stated/requested.

5. Vessels can not eat/drink

Their body is void, and I do not think they have internal organs really. They can still grow...using the cocoon anyway. But I believe vessels are literally just condensed void. Meaning no stomach, or throat, or anything. Meaning no eating/drinking.

They can still technically absorb things into their body, letting it be covered and melted down by void...but they don’t get anything from it. On this note Vessels also cry tears of void if they do ever cry, and it just kinda...acts like dry ice. All wispy and foggy until it disappears.

6. Vessels are FREEZING

They are permanently cold, like dry ice. If you were to try and stick your arm in them it would be frozen solid or have severe frostbite. And yes vessels can feel temperature difference..theirs never changes though. They are forever cold, like touching ice through a plastic bag wrapped in napkins. For this reason, Ghost constantly craves warmth. They will just curl up near a fire if you let them.

#hollow knight #rp #hk rp #ooc #rules #rp blog #hollow knight rp blog

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hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger · 6 years ago

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Amazing Mary Jane #1 Thoughts

Apologies for not getting to this, or indeed other of the recent comics sooner. I’ve felt unwell recently and had computer troubles which conspired to delay my reading and writing up about this.

As such this is possibly going to not be as nitty gritty as I maybe usually would do as I’m going off memories a bit.

TL:DR version is, it’s good with one, albeit notable, flaw.

And Hell let me get that out of the way immediately.

Why...isn’t Mary Jane informing Peter that she’s working alongside a bunch of criminals?

Now look...I’m willing to give the story and Leah Williams the benefit of the doubt. MAYBE Mary Jane is playing a long game here or something. But if she’s not...I mean...that’s kind of a big problem with the story isn’t it?

MJ is allowing actual criminals, including Mysterio, to roam free. Worse she’s arguably doing that because she wants to make the movie and have it be a success but...isn’t that rather irresponsible and selfish, to say nothing of dangerous to herself. Of course MJ is a bad ass and can handle herself. But she is literally surrounded by criminals including a guy who Spidey usually only beats because he has a magical danger sense to help him out. Unless she engages in some Batman levels of cunning she wouldn’t realistically survive this situation.

Now again MAYBE there is something more going on, I very much hope so and am waiting eagerly to see that, but if there isn’t it’s going to be a huge thing working against this series quality.

However apart from that literally everything else was firing on all cylinders.

It’s difficult to do anything other than gush.

First of all the artwork is fantastic. It’s like if Todd Nauch and Ramos had a kid and it looked stylized like Ramos but also how people should look like Nauck.

The characterization, exempting the one thing I spoke about, was also very much on point. I can’t recall Mysterio and MJ ever interacting much (if ever) before but the idea practically writes itself, it’s such a natural pairing!

The gag about being insured was great and clearly drawn from Leah Williams past experience in that business, I hope we get more of that.

MJ herself is presented very well. She’s confident, she’s serious, she’s determined, but also fun, upbeat and has dashes of goofiness and flirtation (with Peter I mean).

So far, so good Williams seems to have a strong grasp on her character (again sans that ONE problem I noted).

I especially liked how Mysterio wasn’t a typical thuggish villain like you’d imagine Scorpion or Electro being. For instance rather than make inappropriate remarks regarding MJ as the likes of Crusher Creel might do, he actually gets angry at the idea that she used sex to get her part. But here is the nuance in Williams writing. Because whilst it’d be typical to make Mysterio a thuggish villain like Rhino or Sandman or Electro, in it’s own way it also would’ve been typical to have made him a pseudo chivalrous villain who doesn’t tolerate sexism. Instead she sets that up but then veers to the side as Mysterio is actually angry at the idea that HE could be manipulated by sex (or ‘womanly wiles’ as he puts it) thus making Mysterio atypical but still most definitely a villain.

The idea of Mysterio as the ‘artiste’ of the Spidey rogues has been milked very effectively starting with Spencer’s run and the idea that he and MJ could honestly connect through their passion for their art is a great bit of character writing. It tells us a little about who Mysterio is whilst also demonstrating MJ’s own social skills. Peter and Mysterio could never get along this way, and I know that because they started to in Webspinners #1 (which Mysterio’s movie is based upon btw) but the conversation got awkward and they walked away from one another.

Other stuff I liked was the subversion of expectations. I walked into this believing the plot would likely be that about us readers fearing for MJ as she didn’t realize who she was working for and thus how much danger she was in. But Williams simply had MJ figure that out almost immediately and now, besides the Savage Six, we don’t know where things are going to go and that’s a good thing.

By the way, isn’t it great that this is a story where yes MJ’s association with Spider-Man has led MJ into working with one of his enemies and arguably being exposed to danger from him, but she herself deduces that, then chooses to continue taking that risk and isn’t bothered by it? The real danger is coming from Mysterio’s enemies not Peter’s (okay they are technically Peter’s enemies too but you see what I mean). Literally just 2 years ago this would’ve been fuel for the ‘see they can’t be together because it’s too dangerous for her’ jackasses like Slott.

Now it should go without saying (but I will say it anyway) that the PeterxMJ scenes were delightful.

For a split second was thinking phone sex isn’t really in character for Spider-Man. But then I thought you know...MJ has in the past had the effect of loosening him up (see every kinky 90s thing artists did with them) and you could arguably say they were being somewhat ironic anyway. Of course the shipper in me liked it all the same. As I did with the 20 second dance party which I suspect will be trotted out many times in years to come within the MJ fan community. Appropriately it was referenced in the same scene as her crowing moment of awesome, the Chameleon (who appeared in ASM the same day) baseball bat incident. Williams knows her shit it seems!

Now there is one other thing I feel I should talk about.

There was a rather lengthy scene regarding the writing of MJ’s character that was clearly intended to be meta commentary upon the portrayal of female characters.

The question is what specifically was Williams passing commentary on?

How Mary Jane has usually been written?

How she has usually been written until this solo book of her’s?

How women in comics are usually written?

Or how women in films/comic book movies are portrayed?

I’m not sure. I think if it’s options 1 or 2 that’s rather unfair and not really looking at the nuance of the character.

But to be honest looking at this book and Williams’ own comments regarding MJ in interviews prior to this book’s release I don’t buy that. Williams’ comments combined with some of the deepcut continuity she references here doesn’t paint her as someone who thinks MJ is underdeveloped or who’s only purpose in the story is to serve Spider-Man’s story. Indeed any MJ fan worth their salt is aware that part of what made MJ successful and popular to begin with in the 1960s was that she precisely DIDN’T do that.

As such I think options 3 or much more pressingly option 4 is what Williams is commenting upon.

The condensed nature of comic book films mean that it’s a rarity for characters beyond the lead or the villains to get much of their own stories to play out. This is certainly the case with Michelle in the MCU Spider-Man movies and Emma Stone in the Webb movies. But curiously less the case with Dunst’s Mary Jane.

Let’s also consider that this story was promoted as talking about the movie business, something Williams has insider knowledge of and thus it makes sense she’s commenting upon and satirizing that as opposed to comic books (hence we got that insurance gag early on).

In a sense you could say she’s using Mary Jane as a (logical and entirely in character) mouthpiece to comment upon how female characters in movies like Mysterio’s are more like Gwen Stacy but should be more like her, Mary Jane.

Although I must admit the dialogue where they talk about her character int he movie lacking powers and such did confuse me. I didn’t get that.

So over all...yeah...this was great. Again there is one notable problem I hope gets addressed before everything is said and done but in every other way this thing is scoring touchdowns all the way.

Buy it!

Buy 2 copies!

Buy 2 copies and some variants, then get the digital edition and pre-order the trade!

P.S. Thanks to this new comic I learned a new word! Ingenue, gotta find a way to slip that into conversation some time.

#Amazing Mary Jane #Leah Williams #mjwatsonedit #Mary Jane Watson #Mary Jane Watson Parker #mj watson #Mysterio #quinten beck #Vulture #the vulture #adrian toomes #Spider-Man #Peter Parker

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drkungfus-customs · 6 years ago

Text

Mtg Custom Card Competition Round 2: Phyrexians on Ixalan

Hello everyone and welcome back to the second week of I and Alyssa's custom card challenge. Just a quick foreword to thank everyone for the warm response we have had to the last round of judging, it is always nice to see people throw feedback back at us for running it. This weeks prompt was provided by Alyssa where participants were asked to present a theoretical Phyrexian corruption of Ixalan. As always submissions were gathered through discord and were judged by myself and Alyssa.

Michael says: So our first submission of the prompt, this card is a powerful reanimation and board control effect stapled onto a phyrexian corrupted dinosaur. However the power level, especially for a rare, is what has me most concerned. The colour pie is fine and the card feels very black, there are no problems in that regard. The part that has me worried is that the reanimation is instant, comes at a low cost, and is a replacement effect. Once Corruptosaurus is on the battlefield, and if itself gets a -1/-1 counter, it becomes almost impossible to deal with as traditional measures such as rest in piece or leyline will do nothing to prevent this effect. Additionally because the return is instantly rather than at the end of turn as with Marchesa, the Black Rose it opens the card up to some silly loops with persist cards or anything that has -1/-1 counters built in. While the card is slow to distribute -1/-1 counters, their existence on this card implies they exist elsewhere in the set which will make this card much stronger. Especially in limited this card would be a nightmare as -1/-1 effects your opponent controls will be useless against your creatures and your own also feature as a steal effect. In order to make this card feel a little less broken and more fair I would restrict the resurrection to either only your own creatures or only your opponents. The potential value engine of this card seems a little above the curve as-is, especially when considering older formats with access to things like black sun’s zenith. There isn’t a single factor that pushes this card over, its just a confluence of factors that would make this card just not fun to play with and too warping in the limited environment.

Alyssa says: Formatting is mostly fine. The third ability shouldn’t be a replacement effect, because as written it inappropriately uses “return”. (Because the word return requires a card to be in the graveyard, and this replacement effect means that you gain control of the creature instead of it dying, it never enters a zone it can “return” from.) As written now, it resurrects friendly things with -1/-1 counter on them, meaning anything that has a -1/-1 counter either endemic to it (Bloodied Ghost, Grief Tyrant) or has permanent persist can be infinitely looped by it. You’ve accidentally prevented some abuse like Disciple of the Vault and Blood Artist by replacing the death trigger, but you can still benefit immensely from the infinite sacrifice. Furthermore, it just makes immortal creatures.

Balance-wise, it’s doing a bit much. The endemic wither is fine, giving it a way to damage stuff and get it back, and it would tie well in with the third ability like a souped up Necroskitter. The second ability is completely unnecessary, though perhaps more novel. You really only need one of these for the card to be useful for Limited and narrow Constructed applications (which is where this thing feels like it belongs.) It would be so much better if you went with only one of these abilities: I prefer the second one, as the incremental infection-based effect, perhaps through infected bites or claw injuries, seems much more “dinosaur” than a resurrection effect.

Flavor-wise, it’s okay, but it’s a bit bland. It’s a zombie dinosaur that does vague infection stuff. There’s not much of a story to the card, and a bit of flavor text with the space freed up from the above changes would be just dandy. I want to see how it fits in with the set around it, how Ixalan responds to its new apex predators. You have no art credit. We wouldn’t have noticed that “Mr. J” wasn’t an art credit if someone else didn’t use that art and credit it correctly.

Possible improvements:

- Focus on one of the two passives and cut the other. If you wanted to focus on the incremental blight aspect, then perhaps make it asymmetric and only affect your opponent’s creatures.

- Fix that malfunctioning third ability if you decide to stick with it.

- Flavor text never hurts.

- Drop a reminder text bubble on Wither for easier reading comprehension.

Grades:

Formatting – 4/5

Function – 3/5

Flavor – 2/5

Michael says: This card appears to have a serious flavour issue which really hurts the mechanical execution of the card. The flavour text indicates a phyrexian merger of Ghalta and Etali, something I would expect to have a similar importance as Brisela from Eldritch Moon, however the rest of the card appears to instead by an Ixalani call-back to Phyrexian Obliterator. This card feels like two excellent ideas combined to a less effective whole.

Judging by the perspective of an Obliterator call-back this card feels like a very good way to make a dinosaur version of the card, using enrage as an in theme way of simulating the desired effect. However in this case the card doesn't feel very green at all, outside of the dinosaur tribe and enrage there is nothing mechanical to make this card green. Given the enrage effect is symmetrical and only sacrifices a single land, if you had to keep the green in the mana cost rather than making it BBBB you could probably improve its power and toughness. Additionally if we assume this card is representative of the rest of the set, it is important to note that Wither and Enrage really do not play well in the same environment as wither -1/-1 counters will not trigger any enrage abilities on blocking. I personally would look to replacing wither with another ability, preferably one that is more green to help reinforce the colour requirements.

Again the card isn't particularly bad by any means, but the foremost improvement I would make is replacing the flavour text. The combination of Ghalta and Etali shouldn't be as small as a 5/5, should certainly be a legendary, and should at least cost red. The dissonance of these two ideas harms the card severely.

Alyssa says: Wither shouldn’t be capitalized. In a list of keywords, only the first one is capitalized. When you’re writing quotes in flavor text, make sure you put a shift line break in between the end of the quote and the beginning of the speaker’s name. The card feels barely green at all: in fact, I wouldn’t be surprised to see this as red/black. The only bit that really strikes me as possibly green is the trample, which is secondary in black anyway. Enrage is also really hard to trigger intentionally in black, making abuse of the ability in its two intended colors very difficult.

The enrage ability is beyond busted. I understand you want to reference Phyrexian Obliterator and its extremely powerful on-damage ability, but remember that ability can only be as strong as it is because there’s very few ways for you to abuse it, since the controller of the source sacrifices the permanents. There’s tons of enrage enablers that would allow you to use this to repeatedly Armageddon the board. You may think its symmetry compensates for it, making it a “risk vs reward” play, but if you’re building around it the play will never be symmetrical. If you have one of the many ways to reliably damage this each turn you can just pop every land your opponents play consistently, and you’ll have a giant 5/5 that can wear down literally anything over time provided it doesn’t die. There’s a reason people play Armageddon despite the “this includes your lands” line, and making a repeatable version on top of a strong creature isn’t a good combo.

But it’s the flavor which really grinds my gears. The implication is that the Obliterator is some kind of Brisela-like chimera of Etali and Ghalta… which completely doesn’t gel with the card itself. It’s not legendary, it’s less than half the size of Ghalta, it has none of Etali’s lightning stuff or draw power going on. It looks like a generic compleated dinosaur, which would honestly be completely fine if it weren’t for that flavor text implying this was an amalgam of two of Ixalan’s Elder Dinosaurs. It would be similar to Brisela being, like, a 3/3 Eldrazi with a card draw ability.

Possible improvements:

- You need to find a way to make it green. Perhaps play on the legendary Phyrexian resilience and have it punish by getting bigger when it takes damage. Or perhaps have it dredge its way out of the graveyard at end of turn if it would die from combat damage. Who knows?

- Figure out a new enrage ability. This one is ridiculously easy to turn into Armageddons For Ever.

- Use some new flavor text. If you’re dropping story characters, then you need to reflect their abilities, roles, and legendary status.

Grades:

Formatting – 4/5

Function – 2/5

Flavor – 1/5

Michael says: A compleated Azor is a very interesting concept from a lore perspective, and his card would surely excite players to see printed. This card however I am not sure would accomplish this feat. His mana cost is highly colour intensive meaning he is very difficult to cast in any normal game, therefore I would expect to see a reward equivalent to the effort I put in to cast him. In addition to possessing no built in way to protect himself, his effect feels incredibly weak. While seeing your opponents hand is noteworthy, in the vast majority of games when you cast Azor you are likely to be in the later stages of the game. At this point your opponent has likely already cast most of their hand and if not you are playing against control in which case Azor is never resolving let alone actually attacking. And even if the effect does trigger you are only likely to draw a single card at most given the opponent will play around the effect as much as possible. In order to make this card playable its effect needs to be tuned into a specific niche; given Azor's previous identity as a control piece I would want to see an effect that works well against control to help tie the flavour into the mechanics. I and Alyssa came up with giving him "this card cannot be countered" to help give him an anti-control niche along with changing his effect to be an enter the battlefield trigger. Allowing you to look at an opponents hand, pick a card type, and producing a static draw effect whenever your opponent casts one similar to how Archon of Dawn's Reach is worded we believe would be the best way to give him a specific use worth the extreme mana investment to cast him as well as being more relevant in multiplayer.

Alyssa says: Some small formatting changes. It’s “…look at defending player’s…” rather than “the defending player’s”. You need to add a “Then” before “Choose a nonland card type” to help sequence the effect (basically, so you know you look, then declare.) Make sure you install the M15 Mainframe layout for MSE, so you get the M15 card style, holofoil stamp, legendary crown, flavor bar and text chopping.

Woah, that’s a restrictive mana cost! This gent would be underpowered at 3WUB, so making him six mana of specific colors is a bit too much. I get that it’s acknowledging Azor’s original 2WWUU, but he had two strong abilities, one with instant payoff, that necessitated four color pips. This card doesn’t, and should be priced accordingly. I doubt you’ll ever get value off of his ability. He needs to survive a turn to use it, and by that time you not only have to attack an opponent with a brimming hand, but choose a card type they’ll play loads of. It also only triggers from that player casting that card type, so if Jimmy jams all the enchantments that you just disincentivized Bimmy from playing you dont get any cards. Even so, he doesn’t stop your opponents from comboing off, and the fact it isn’t a “may” means in fringe cases he might mill you out. You might get, like, one card off this guy every two turns, and that’s far too weak. Just play Cloudblazer. This ability isn’t black at all. Becoming Phyrexian doesn’t just jack black onto your mana cost, as New Phyrexia demonstrated, and his vague lockdown/card advantage ability doesn’t do much.

Flavor-wise, I’m not sure what Azor is doing here. He’s evidently compleated, and is doing vague law things, but I just don’t see what the ability is meant to indicate. Does he demand tribute from those who would transgress his twisted law? It just doesn’t have an immediate, strong flavor resonance for me. There is also an Incorrect art credit, which also is already in use. This is the art for Sphinx of the Steel Wind, by Kev Walker, from Alara Reborn. (It’s also one of the five first Mythic Rares! The more you know.)

Possible improvements:

- Make him 3WUB. Or just make him 4WU. He isn’t strong enough to need all of that color.

- He needs protection, or a stronger ability to justify the risk. Perhaps make his ability also trigger off entering the battlefield, a la Arashin Foremost. You could also retool it into an effect that names a card type that can’t be played, a la Archon of Valor’s Reach. If you make it stronger, tick up the mana accordingly.

- Make him scale to multiplayer scenarios.

Grades:

Formatting – 3/5

Function – 2/5

Flavor – 2/5

Michael says: Ok so I really enjoy this card. Its a silly win the game condition with a really crazy activator. These sorts of cards are almost always popular and incentivize weird brews in both the standard environment and in eternal formats. Also I do appreciate the effort you put in to photoshop this yourself, good job on that front. While there is nothing wrong this card in its present incarnation, I think it needs to be improved from where it is now. Phyrexia in general often has an identity of using -1/-1 counters, and so if those exist in the environment it will stop a significant +1/+1 counters theme from being present which would be a key tool making this card workable. In addition while the precedent for win the game effects has been established for the upkeep step this particular card would struggle significantly with such a timing window, as many cards that buff or double power last until end step. If we assume this set cannot use +1/+1 counters the main pathway for this card would be effects that double in power, and therefore I think you can change this effect to an end of turn trigger without much concern over power. If you have a creature with power 40 or greater you are probably winning anyway. In order to avoid confusion with the cleanup step and to improve flavour I would suggest an end of turn trigger where if you attacked with a creature with 40 or more power you win the game.

Alyssa says: You need a comma between “more power” and “you win the game” as they’re two separate clauses. You spelt “versus” wrong, and you want to add a shift line break after the quote finishes before the speaker’s name. Make sure to get the M15 Mainframe card style to add a flavor bar.

Funky, fresh, and Green! The problem is that it’s way too hard to pull off. Placing the win trigger at the beginning of the turn means you need a creature with static power 40 or more, plus instant boosts/abilities, which is really hard because it and the creature both need to survive a full turn to trigger outside of some abstruse circumstances. This just feels like it’s been made too safe out of power level concerns.

I appreciate the need for some counterplay in win conditions, but I feel it’s pretty telegraphed anyway, and if you’re getting the beefy boy that you need to win with this there’s some other enchantments for similar cost that will make your beater so ferocious it’ll probably just win you the game anyway. I feel that it’s perfectly fine to make it an end of turn effect. One variant that we like is for you to attack with a creature with 40 or more power to win the game on the end step, really playing up the flavor of the card.

That flavor is really nice, and I appreciate the photoshop. It’s really cute! I would really prefer to have the artists who made the art you’ve edited credited too (the people who painted Ghalta and Vorinclex.)

Possible improvements:

- Make it an end of turn effect to better synergise with creature buffs.

- If you want to keep it at upkeep, add an activated ability that boosts power or whatever. It’s hard to use counters in a Phyrexian set (which is going to be a -1/-1 counter set nearly all the time) but temporary boosts still work.

Grades:

Formatting – 4/5

Function – 4/5

Flavor – 4/5

Michael says: This card I find somewhat disappointing in all honesty. To give credit where it is due the templating is correct, I love the flavour text, and the card works. But it is far too safe, and that safety really hurt the card. This is obviously a call-back to the original Mavren effect, but creating 2/2 horrors with deathtouch instead. This really does impact the card in a few ways. Firstly the tokens you make are not vampires, one of the benefits of the original Mavren is that he did not need to attack, and the tokens he made would fuel his ability further so you could always swing in with a single vampire every turn and remain even on tokens. This Mavren requires a significant amount of other vampires in the deck, or to swing with himself which opens up a lot more vulnerability to the card getting blocked and killed. And this plays into my other concern as well as the creatures have deathtouch instead of lifelink. While a more powerful mechanic it promotes a slower and more defensive playstyle, which conflicts with the precedent of the vampires being the white weenie deck, in addition to meaning that if Mavren does swing it is more likely there will be creatures available to block him. Finally and this is the most important concern, he is a white card that creates deathtouch tokens. Yes he is tied to vampires, a tribe mostly in black, but he needs to have black in the mana cost or otherwise this card is a colour pie break.

Alyssa says: The formatting is just dandy. The full art is nice, but it does reveal the Legend of the Cryptids watermark and copyright information below, which really takes you out of the card. You also spelled Mavren Fein wrong! It’s a small quibble but it really, really hurts the card’s aesthetics and is something that could be easily fixed with some proofreading. Unless compleation made him shuffle his name around a bit.

This card puzzles me. For one, it’s not remotely white: Mavren Fein does produce tokens but they’re white tokens with lifelink rather than black ones with deathtouch. I don’t like the fact that mono-W can break the color pie and make deathtouch creatures relatively easily with him. For another, unlike Mavren Fein’s initial form which produces aggressive tokens with a keyword that incentivizes combat and attacking each turn, Mavren Fien’s ability produces defensive tokens instead. I’m therefore confused as to what exactly his game plan is: attack in every turn, or hunker down? There’s also balance considerations in that he does make 2/2’s, which is fine perhaps on a multicolored card but a bit much for a monocolored one, especially when it’s a color bend like this.

I also don’t like that it lets token vampires make tokens. Small thing, but the Torrezon vampires traditionally make lots of tokens so I worry that might kick it over. The flavor is fun, if a little lazy. It’s literally just Mavren Fein again, but with a slight change in some knobs. I want to see something a little more exciting.

Possible improvements:

- Proofread! So close to being perfect.

- He’d be perfect if he just cost WB. No color breaks there, and a neat compensation for being two colors.

- Is deathtouch really the best keyword for his token? Possibly look to making the tokens more directly incentivize aggression

Grades:

Formatting – 4/5

Function – 3/5

Flavor – 3/5

Michael says: Another odd infect card, this time a compleated siren with the ability to steal creatures. Firstly I really, really love that flavour text. Definitely one of the best I've seen in a while from a personal perspective, it resonates just right. My opinion on the mechanics however is that this card is pulling in two directions. Its raid effect wants it to sit back and block attacking creatures to distribute -1/-1 counters, and this would inevitably be very powerful in limited. However on Ixalan I expect to see bigger creatures than normal thanks to all the dinosaurs, which means it can be very difficult at times to block with this creature. The card really wants to both attack to activate the raid safely as well as remain untapped to block incoming attacks. While this dissonance helps to balance what can be a very potent steal effect, it would also make the card very unfun to play as you cant play in the way this card wants to. Yes a board presence and other infect creatures help to mitigate this, but by itself it will not have a good gameplay loop. Additionally this card uses art that already exists on a magic card. I'm not particularly bothered by that but it can lead to a bit of confusion so if you can avoid that it helps.

Alyssa says: You forgot the “on it” part of “with a -1/-1 counter on it.” You don’t capitalize the “The” in “the Stormwreck Sea”. Otherwise, formatting is good!

I feel mixed things about this card. On the one hand, it’s mechanically sound, on the other I’m not entirely sure how well it will play. It’s a seemingly very powerful trigger, but I worry that its implementation is internally competitive. You want to steal big stuff here, which is good, but as a 1/5 infect on its own you can only steal things that have 4 or less power that attack into Ichorfleet Despoiler. You aren’t going to be taking any Colossal Dreadmaws with this thing. Similarly, anything it can safely block will probably be worthless when you get it: it’ll be out of the way, sure, but I want more for 5 mana. If the surrounding environment supports putting -1/-1 counters onto creatures, then this could have applications, but it’s really, really bad at triggering its own ability and I think that should be taken into account.

I’m always awkward about putting infect onto things. Once again, this exposes another internal competition within the card. Its 1 infect damage means it’s going to kill people at the speed of a Coral Eel, but I don’t like that you’re incentivized to steal your opponent’s stuff, which probably won’t have infect. You want to win in infect by dealing 10 damage as quickly as possible, but because “not having poison counters” isn’t a resource, you don’t really gain much through incremental, slow upticking. If you’re stealing creatures without infect it’s like the damage this deals doesn’t even matter. In effect, it’s kind of like giving this infect has reduced its power to 0. Just give it wither, like several other entrants have twigged.

It’s a good card, but it just doesn’t sit right to me. The potential line of “attack with my dinky infect rat, get blocked by a gigantic dinosaur, play Despoiler main 2 and steal it” is really fun but once you’ve seen it once you’ve seen it all. This is a card that’s so hard to evaluate outside of set context.

The flavor is lovely, but this art is in use! It’s the art for Siren of the Silent Song from Born of the Gods. Reverse image search your images before you use them just to make sure.

Possible improvements:

- Give it wither, so it can actually attack well.

- Swap out the art for something that hasn’t been used.

- Consider making the card better at activating its own abilities, so it doesn’t rely on the context of a set that doesn’t exist.

Grades:

Formatting – 4/5

Function – 3/5

Flavor – 4/5

Michael says: So because of the nature of this card as a goblin piker I am less reviewing the card as I am the mechanic, and to be totally honest I am not super keen. The mechanic is clearly a riff on explore, providing a poison counter instead of a +1/+1 counter. My concern with this kind of mechanic is that it would struggle to exist in an environment with infect already present as they compete with similar design space and infect is often easier to get to 10 counters thanks to how it scales and is repeatable. With this mechanic you would need to trigger it and hit a non-land 10 times to win and that is almost impossible in limited if we assume the mechanic is seeded like explore was in Ixalan. Another issue here is that these poison counters are functionally useless until you hit 10 meaning that there is no real benefit for the first 9, whereas with explore the +1/+1 counters can be supremely relevant to the board. Encroach would need to be significantly pushed in how often you can activate it in order to see any amount of constructed play and in doing so could produce a harmful standard environment as these counters would be more difficult to interact with than creature damage through infect. In addition seeing this effect on a BB goblin piker at uncommon is very below rate, while this effect existed in Ixalan the explore trigger was significant in that it existed on both a 1/2 and a 2/1 while also costing one coloured and one generic mana. This card is seriously underpowered in almost every circumstance except when the opponent is on 9 poison counters and I am unsure as to how the mechanic could be tweaked and still keep the flavour of phyrexia while also working similar to explore.

Alyssa says: Formatting wise, this is completely fine. It wants to be a Soldier, though. Or perhaps a Horror, with appropriate art?

Mechanically, I don’t really have that much to say. Encroach is a very weak ability because it really doesn’t do anything to alter the game state aside from when your opponent has nine poison, which, if that is only being spread through encroach, means the first nine activations that don’t hit a land basically do nothing. With explore, both times you’re getting something, whether that’s a land card or a counter plus a surveil, but with the Conquistador you just give a worthless poison counter. It also feels very lackluster as a concept. It’s literally just explore, but with a tinge of Phyrexian spice that ironically makes it weaker. I can’t think of a set that would want this as one of its 3.5 mechanics. The card wants to be 1B rather than BB. For BB you’re getting a 2/2, or perhaps a 3/2, with that basic effect, especially at uncommon.

A big problem I have is that it’s ripped wholesale from Vraska’s Conquistador, which is also a black uncommon 2 mana 2/1 Vampire with the same art (which you didn’t credit, by the by.) There’s nothing spooky or Phyrexian about the art that tells me that this thing is encroaching on Ixalan, and there’s no flavor either. It just feels like it was slapped together in a couple minutes from Vraska’s Conquistador, even down to the name, with a mechanic that’s just Explore covered in Phyrexian graffiti.

Possible improvements:

- It needs to be overhauled from the top.

- Encroach needs some genuine thought to turn it into an incremental poison/value generation mechanic, with a benefit on top of just giving them a single poison counter.

Grades:

Formatting – 4/5

Function – 2/5

Flavor – 1/5

And finally we have our winner for this week:

Michael says: This is a safe design, but I think it checks a lot of boxes for a good call back design while still having its own unique effect. Here the original value engine of kumena is replaced with an infect strategy which supports itself through a token creation ability that also possess infect. I also enjoy how in order to fuel his unblockability, it requires a sacrifice instead of just tapping merfolk, an elegant way of powering down the card in a very flavourful way thanks to the addition of black to his mana cost. While infect can be scary I think the limiters on dealing combat damage to players to trigger the token making definitely helps to mitigate the potential of the card. In order to break this card you would need a lot of tribal investment and synergies, which means he would probably make a strong commander but his standard impact can be well measured. In addition to this the formatting has no problems and the art was well picked for this card. Honestly it makes me sad I cant say much more about this card, its just a really good example of linking old and new flavour. The power level may be a bit suspect but I think it is correct to err on the side of caution for infect cards, especially with built in evasion.

Alyssa says: The formatting is superb. You even got the rules for multiple instances of a legendary creature’s name in a text box right! I also appreciate that you provided the token it produces.

I always get leery of infect, but I can honestly see it working here. The stats are about right (considering it attacks players as a 4/4) especially for a 3-color legendary creature. It’s not Boltable, but it has no inbuilt protection, which I feel compensates. The combat damage trigger is a little uninspired, and perhaps a little weak. I’d like to see something sexier, maybe a card draw? I can’t help but look at Phyrexian Swarmlord as a point of comparison. But I suppose incremental infect production is a decent enough compensation. Either way, I feel it’s a good implementation of infect on a creature that is its own game plan.

You could probably dink the sacrifice condition for his unblockability down to two merfolk. Going in on a -3 to then get, I dunno, Divine Arrowed or whatever is really sad. I like it being free on mana but high on card disadvantage to really sneak infect hits through.

Flavorwise, he’s a real treat. Lovely to see a Phyrexian card with a bit of personality, especially with him being all shouty up in the card art. Flavor text is actually unnecessary on this, in my opinion. His charisma and influence is demonstrated by the Merfolk he summons, his cruelty by how quickly he disposes of them for his own benefit. It’s a shame he’s not a Zombie too but the typeline is packed to the gills (ha) already.

Possible improvements:

- I want to see either the combat damage trigger a bit sexier or the unblockability trigger a little cheaper.

Grades:

Formatting – 5/5

Function – 4/5

Flavor – 5/5

So thank you to everyone who submitted a card and to Hyperviper for his winning design of Kumena, the Tainted Tyrant. As always feedback on this would be greatly appreciated and hopefully the next prompt should be provided shortly.

As a bonus please see our take on the prompt with Azor the Mad, unable to intervene in the conflict thanks to his oath limiting simply to providing a passive sanctuary on Useless Island.

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