#SHE MAKES ME UNWELL SHE'S MY OWN BRAIN GUY BUT SHE MAKES ME INSANE

[fagdykepearlescentmoon]

oh my god i just finished the last episode of arcane and i feel ill im going to sob im going to frow up im unwell about this show. I WANT TO CRY WHYYYY

Infodump and thoughts under the cut! (i cant promise any of it will make sense)

jinx is just such an interesting character to me and the way the art style changed when she was having her breakdown was soooo ough it scratched my brain. With the way it sorta appeared to be almost childlike drawings (which had appeared throughout the show) and if FELT terrifying. I could talk for hours about the film techniques in the last fifteen minute of the episode alone but that's its own post. You could TELL that she snapped and you could sympathize with her even if you knew what she was doing was wrong.

To be honest i never really liked Silco, he was a good, very well written character but I always saw him as the bad guy. Yet his death still made me cry! Because it wasn't about the power or the money in the end, it was about Jinx! His 'daughter' who he always defended up until the point she eventually killed him. And his final words to her 'you're perfect'! He forgives her! He loves her! And maybe even accepts the parts of her that he never liked, or thought were weak, the part of her that still answered to Powder.

And there's the way that Vi still calls her Powder! Despite everything Vi can still only see her little sister. Which is a good and a bad thing in itself!

I have more to add but that would be even less comprehensible so i might leave it till later

I am so so insane about this show tho, i am going to rematch it 200 times until the next season comes out

[spookitordukeit]

Guys I am so very very insane.

I have so many ideas for so many stories running laps in my silly little brain over and over and the moment I start writing one idea, another two pop up beside it. Oh I am so ill. So feral. I am unwell. I need to write them down. NOW.

Okay-

1) I’ll put this one up first since it’s almost mermay, but I’ve had this idea for months.

Silly little MC gets pressured to go on a fun little boating trip by friends. (Bad friends) Unfortunately, MC has ✨thalassophobia✨ stuff happens and ‘friends’ decide it would be so ha ha funny to push MC off the boat as a little prank. News flash. MC has always been scared of water. Mc never learned how to swim.

Yada yada, Mc panics, starts to drown, hears clicking or something and is suddenly back on the boat gasping for breath. Orca Sans is not happy to have humans drowning in his waters. He is also not happy to have ‘friends’ polluting his waters with their trash. He had been following them because they kept throwing their shit overboard and then they threw over a while ass human. The man’s is not happyTM.

Anyway, she ends up passed out and her friends take her home, she wakes up the nest day thinking it was all just a weird dream, especially since no one but her seems to remember it, they said she passed out from the heat. After all, Monsters had emerged from the mountain a few years ago, she probably was just having funky fever dreams.

…On a whim, she goes to the dock closest to where her friends had their boat. Even if it was just a dream, the worst that can happen is she ends up looking silly.

Nothing happens and she ends up staring up at the moon, listening to the water hitting gently under the dock. It’s dark enough where she can pretend the water isn’t water and is just the night sky under her feet. She recalls a vague song, but it’s blurry she doesn’t remember where she heard it. There’s no words to it, just musical notes. On a silly whim, she sings in the quiet darkness.

It’s only when she finishes that she opens her eyes, finding two white eyelight staring back at her.

Thinking of calling it Learning Your Song.

2) I really really love the anti-harem concept, especially like There’s Still Magic by RosesCry and I’d love to write one myself! I have the idea of a whole verse for this one- I’d call is NexusTale or NexusHub and It’d be this one huge nexus where all the aus emerge from their mountains. I’m thinking it will be the first original verse lord wise. And other verses just continuously show up, many of them leave to go create their own Home AUs once their free, but may also stay.

MC has a… troubled home life to say the least. I can’t say much about this without spoiling it, but her and her sister live together, MC owns the house but she may as well be a freeloader with the way her sister and the skeles act. Oh yeah- did I mention MC’s sister invited a whole gaggle of skeletons to come live with them without asking MC?

It’s not like she could say no— they’re all newly emerged from the underground and don’t have a place to call their own, her and her Kindness couldn’t just leave them to the wolves… I Have Many Ideas For This One— I think I’d call it Shades Of Green or something.

3) okay so hear me out- Blue joins the Bad Sanses but with horrendous ✨trauma✨ Blue is with the Stars, and he does his best! He really does! But even his best isn’t enough most times. And people need him— people will die and suffer needlessly if he rests for even just one moment— so he must keep going! Dream is always there to give him a searing hot boost of energy whenever he’s falling behind. And who is he to complain if it makes his Mattie feel like it’s boiling him from the inside out? If it feels like his soul is filled with churning, molten lava? If all he can think of is fight fight fight— anything to get rid of this feeling.

Why does Killer keep asking him weird questions? What does he mean he thought Blue would be too out of commission from mourning to fight?

…When was the last time he saw his brother…?

I’m thinking of calling it, When Dreams Turn To Nightmares.

4) okay okay— UnderFell soulmate Au where the first words your soulmate says are somewhere on your skin. I know I know, it’s been done many time but LISTEN- Monsters emerged from the mountain like five years ago and very quickly took over, humans are lower class and the world over all is pretty sucky. MC lives in a shitty run down apartment and works a shitty job. She has two marks, one on each of her wrists like shackles.

She’s working at her job at the gas station one day, tired, hungry and ready to go home when the captain of the royal gaurd and the freaking judge walks in. She’s panicking because two of the most powerful and dangerous Monsters are within killing distance of her, as she should. She does her best not to make eye contact with either of them as they loudly walk through the aisles, but, inevitably, The Judge comes over to the checkout and she can’t ignore him— no one ignores the judge.

Red says something probably along the lines of “what? cat got yer tongue?” And MC freezes mid scan of an item, the words on her left wrist burning against her skin for a brief moment.

She looks at him with utter horror and Edge walks, excuse me— stomps over with some snappy demand like “WHAT IS TAKING SO LONG, HUMAN? WERE VERY BUSY!”

And then the words on her right wrist start burning and all she can do is mutter out “This can’t be happening.”

Both the boys freeze for a long moment and MC flees out the back door.

I’m definitely calling this one Shackled By You Words, Collared By Your Love. Because yeah it’s UnderFell, there’s collars lol. MC has one that she wears that she fills with her own Intent to keep Monsters away. Not that it works very well.

5) I reeeeeaaaallly want to do a dark fic 😔 I think writing a Yandere Edge would be really interesting. Not in a ‘I’ll kill anyone who looks at you’ but more in a ‘I’ll steal you from the forest and take you home where you will never leave because I only I can keep you safe and you will never want to leave.’ Kinda way.

So MC is a skeleton creature of some sort, not sure which yet. She lives in the forest alone, without a pack. Her pack was… lost. They had been taken from their homes once, and she got free. But now she is alone, and has been for many years.

She had her den and she protects the forests creatures from hunters, many of which do not leave alive. One day she catches a familiar scent, and with her soul racing and the inside of her skull screaming that she’s found them! They came back! They escaped! Family! Pack! Pack! Pack! She races through the trees and follows the scent, skidding into a clearing with an elated yell of welcome, only to stop short and have the words die in her throat.

The monster that stands shocked in the clawing is not her pack.

Fear, grief and rage well up in her soul and instead of running the monster out or killing him for trespassing in her forest, she runs. She runs all the way back to her den and burrows herself into the deepest parts of her nest while her soul tries it’s best to tear itself apart. The brief hope that had surged in her soul leaves her more broken then she was before, her kind is not meant for isolation. She so horribly, painfully alone…

She doesn’t leave her den for days, creatures of the forest bring her food and water, and stare worriedly at her until she accepts them, wolves bring her fresh kills and rabbits snuggle into her sides. The forest is worried, and yet she can not bring herself to move. She is alone.

Prey animals scatter and Predators growl in warning when a figure emerges from the trees. MC looks up in shock and fear as the monster from before pauses in the little clearing of her home. Anger quickly stomps out her fear as the monster is surrounded, she pulls herself from her den and growls at the intruder who dares to invade her home.

The Skelton monster does not look worried for his well being despite the wolves, bears and even a great moose surround him. The forest hisses with anger.

Somehow it deescalates and Edge ends up coming to the forest quite frequently. He is observant and quiet but he’s kind and sh is so very alone. She attaches to him quickly, missing him when he’s gone and chattering endlessly the moment he’s there. She shows him her den, shows him her nest, shows him the wonders of her forest and tells him of her darkest memories.

Memories of white labs and cold voices and the whines of her pack from behind separated walls. Memories of escaping along with another, but losing sight of him along the way. (Sometimes she thinks she can smell him on Edge… but that’s just her head playing tricks on her.)

…When she wakes up from a nap that leaves her groggier then normal, she’s a little disoriented. But not for long. The place she finds herself is unfamiliar, but Edge is not.

She can’t do anything but stare at the monster in front of her in silent horror, a cold pit in her stomach as her shaking hands grip onto the collar around her neck.

Idk what if call this tbh.

Sigghhhhhhhhh. So yeah, that’s all my ideas so far. Any of them strike your fancy?? Lemme know! I’ve already got five fics going, what’s five more?!

*sobbing*

[mendelnavi]

so rice @nextsoundofthefuture you seemed to enjoy my tags last time and i finally have the brain power to listen to gumiyas playlist so i will dive right in lets go crazy and stupid *salutes but with the wrong hand*

lost umbrella - oh my goddddd the DIRECT reference to shine and gumiyas meeting i am losing my fucking mind. like i have to imagine either this song was planned FROM THE BEGINNING or u were just like ‘oh my fucking god lost umbrella.’ like im losing it how much this is The gumiya song.

talk it up - this song jumpscared me to be honest after rolls were all vocal synths to my recollection or at least vocal synthPs hearing a real voice scared me. anyway gumiya boyboss arc. the accountant of all time. this is literally about being a Hard Working Boy and im proud of him

ivory - hmmmmmm this song is interesting. it feels like gumiya is talking about his own image? like he feels like he isn’t very cool. he’s just some guy. and he likes shine so much but shes so much cooler than him in his mind so theres like a gap that he feels is insurmountable and is really sad about it. not sure though but theres definitely inadequacy there. ‘i worked so hard to do something and does it even matter? i’m just an accountant. this is barely anything.’

tokyo ghetto - oh boy. ok with this and ivory combined i almost wonder if gumiya thinks his own form of kindness is a facade? like he doesnt think that there is Work in being kind and that everyones just faking it like him, not that its something you have to try every day. shine is this beacon because he feels like she’s earnestly being kind and he’s just. imitating it. maybe. at the very least he definitely looks up to shine’s version of kindness

like real people do - NOOOOOOOOO NOT LIKE REAL PEOPLE DOOOOOO my eyes started stinging the second i heard that guitar. i literally sing this song regularly like its one of the songs i perform professionally for people. this song matters to me so much ohhhh gumiya. gumiya buddy. oh god gumiya. you love her so much dont you. ohhhh buddy. forgiveness. love. redemption. (unwell rn)

candlelight - GUMIYA STOP BEING DOWN BAD ITS MAKING ME INSANE. do i even have more words. yeah i do actually these specific songs are all very. worshippy. not in a bad way! i just wonder if gumiya ever remembers shine is the same as he is and that loving her doesnt mean putting her so high up in his mind. 

always - ok rice jsyk the link to this song is not the right one in the description of the playlist its to candlelight again. anyway. gumiya expects to be the one to bear shine’s burdens? he wants to help. no matter the cost. but he still feels like he’s so far apart from her. his self esteem ..... Bro

hey brother - if this song is about how close gumiya is to his sisters i will be crying loudly and openly. sibling relationships get to me. either way its definitely also part of gumiyas Dependable Image i just hope this time its a little more genuine because his sisters. i hope

reunion - ok ive been wondering if the theme of losing hope in Something was just my imagination but this song cements it. gumiya is losing hope in his mission and he is just hoping with his android heart that shine will never feel that way with this song. ogh bestie

in the name of love - can i really say anything about this last song other than gumiya pinning ur hopes on someone is so much all the time. the grind is terrible and it is hurting you but doing this to shine certainly isnt going to help with the pining or the one-sided-ness of ur relationship. but i wonder if you know that and are okay with it, too. hmmmmmm. much to think about

[scattered-winter]

respectfully requesting newt from maze runner for the character meme !!

bro you've Awakened Something in me it's been far too long since I've talked about my boy my babygirl my blorbo

favorite thing about him

his selflessness!!! throughout all the events of the series (both the books AND the movies) he's consistently putting everyone else's needs before his own. he was one of the leaders of the Glade, which meant he worked day and night to keep the order and safety there. and outside the Glade, he pulled his own weight and even put himself in danger to protect the others on several occasions (saving Minho from the lightning storm is what immediately comes to mind but I know there's a lot more). and even in the death cure, when the flare is taking over and he can feel himself changing, he still stays focused and doesn't let that distract him or anyone else from the end goal. to me it's just....heartbreaking, really. he suffered in silence because he didn't want his friends to grieve him while he was still standing there, and so he had to deal with slowly losing his mind by himself

least favorite thing about him

his SELFLESSNESS

listen I can love and hate the same thing about a guy

the fact that he was so focused on the group's survival just added so much more angst to the story and it causes me PAINNNN. like!! in the movies specifically, they were SO CLOSE to giving him the cure!!!!!!!!! they were so achingly close!!!!!!!! but he'd been fighting the virus for so long and it finally took over and he died only moments before the cure arrived. I'm fukcijgn

favorite line

"great, we're all bloody inspired"

brOTP

Minho and Newt are BESTIES ok. they're besties. I cry about them every day. they're besties

same with Alby and Newt they were! leaders together! and neither of them made it out! I'm unwell!

actually on that same note. I think Minho was the oldest Glader to have made it out alive. all his friends and mentors who came before him are dead. I'm so fucking emo right now

honestly I love all of Newt's canon friendships! his friendship with Thomas is GREAT his friendship with the other Gladers is GREAT

nOTP

meh nothing really....strikes me as a nOTP tbh. in fact I don't really actively ship anyone in this series! usually when I hard-core ship something, it's because I felt unsatisfied with the media/felt like it's an interesting dynamic to be explored. I was fairly satisfied with the series as a whole and I felt like the overall point of them was complete without romance, and to add a lot of romance (excluding the thomas/teresa thomas/brenda stuff that was already there) would have just....blocked out the horror and morally gray themes, ya know? so idk I don't really have strong feelings about any romantic pairings in this specific piece of media

in fact, I saw someone point out that it would've been a stronger and more potent narrative if Thomas and Teresa were SIBLINGS instead of romantic partners and tbh that hasn't left my brain because they're RIGHT. it would've been soooo compelling ughh I'm going insane just thinking about the parallels here

OTP

all that being said, it's kinda fun to play with the narratives a bit :] most of the fic I intend to write in this fandom is friendship/family based, because of my feelings as stated above, but I'm not immune to the newtmas or minewt here <3 there's just something about two best friends who have been through hell and worse together getting to kiss <3

random headcanon

Newt actually left notes for EVERYONE, not just Thomas. he even left one with Thomas intended for Teresa, despite everything she'd done, but ofc she never got the chance to read it so Thomas just kept it in a pocket by his heart. and maybe one day, years later, after he finally found some semblance of peace and healing, he burned it to ash to finally say goodbye to them both

unpopular opinion

listen I love Newt but the fandom has a tendency to shove Minho aside to make room for him (especially hardcore newtmas shippers) which is... :/ let's all examine why that might be !

song I associate with him

Doom Days by Bastille. warning: you will cry.

favorite picture of him

hair floof <3 he's so blorbo shaped here idk

send me a character!

[farmersliga]

hottest players for you?

HMM OKAY sorry this took way more time than you probs expected but ive been thinking abt this very hard. disclaimer some of these guys i dont know a lot abt i just found them hot when i watched them so if anyone’s problematic im so sorry skdhdkjd. in no particular order:

(under the cut bc holy fuck this got longer than i expected. i feel like i dissected my own brain and also i think i have too much thirst…….)

robert lewandowski - he has sculpted abs okay im not immune. like every time he pulls off his shirt? after making the hottest goals look easy? hell yes. and also his eyes hi hello let me stare at them forever.

manuel neuer - listen,,,,, he’s tall and blonde and has an ass to die for. his face looks like it was sculpted by the gods. esp schalke manu holy fuck i love him now but back then? he looked like an angel and i want to ruin him, i want to do unspeakable things that will result in his fall from heaven

marco reus - controversial ik but there’s Something about him. i can’t place it. he’s just rly hot at specific angles. like in that one specific gif i did of him with the leather jacket and the styled hair my god

thomas müller - similar to the above, at certain angles my mind goes hmmm hello. also his whole energy is so hot like wow. AND he’s so expressive and when he opens his mouth in frustration? well i think Thoughts

kevin trapp - listen. he’s unreal. like objectively, what the actual fuck.

mats hummels - exactly like the above, with the added bonus of being a pathetic little sexy man

serge gnabry - esp when his hair is fluffy. i just love his cheeks and also the way he has a fashion sense

benjamin pavard - i blame the benjigate of a few weeks ago

benedikt höwedes - when he had hair. sorry im not into bald men SKDHDKDHKD and also the old germany nt vibes are mwah

miroslav klose - speaking of old germany nt vibes,,,,,, this guy was sexy in such a pure kinda way it’s insane. i didn’t always like his hairstyle but when it was done right ugh take me now

kostas tsimikas - i blame the kostasgate of a few weeks ago. and also his tattoos are surprisingly also rly hot (unlike every other goddamn footballer)

virgil van dijk - his face? wow. unreal. and the height mm yes im into it. moreso when he’s wearing jackets v specifically

simon kjær - i miss him and his sexy strong presence. there’s like this one particular gif of him grinning as someone who’s about to help him up strokes his face and it lives rent free in my mind

alvaro morata - im so sorry i don’t know why either but somehow he’s honest to god my type. but only when his hair isn’t too short.

son heung-min - not a spurs fan but i. don’t even know what to say. he’s just hot. if you don’t see it then you are wrong. and also i was hooked ever since i saw that puskas goal.

paulo dybala - i probs know this guy the least out of these names here but god he’s just so so so hot goodbye what a face

james rodriguez - similar attraction as with the above and i also don’t know him v well. his career died but he’s still so hot in a boyish way

xabi alonso - jesus what i’d let this man do to me. he’s just so fucking sexy and the spanish is not helping. and when he puts on a suit? yeah hahahahahaha im unwell

iker casillas - also retired but at the start of my football obsession i started watching stuff on spain’s golden era and he was my first player crush okay i don’t understand either. specifically when he was wearing those short sleeved kits back when long sleeves were the standard for goalies mmm yes

BONUS: olivia mcdaniel - goalkeeper for the ph wnt and god her thighs could crush me. and she wears these short fucking shorts and the way she looks on the ground making saves hhhhhhh im unwell. i’ve been kind of obsessed for the past month tbh (shoutout to sami for listening to my gay af rambles)

i may have forgotten someone but this is already so long so. well.

aaaaand special mention to all the other players whom ive thirsted for on this blog but aren’t on this list bc my attraction is such a fickle thing that is easily influenced by particularly good photos of them <3 and sometimes ppl are objectively hot and look good and all but just aren’t my type rly

[a-flickering-soul]

do kylux for the ask meme 😳 you + me = mental illness

i love you so much for sending this in this truly is the mortifying ordeal of being known

putting this under a readmore because it is LITCHERALLY 1.2k words because i am literally clawing at the walls of my enclosure about these two

ANYWAYS go ahead and send me a character and i’ll give you some headcanons bc im having fun doing these!!!

Kylo Ren

Sexuality Headcanon: ambiguously queer. Don’t make me think about him having sex he makes me so angry

Gender Headcanon: he Must be a cis man. He has so much mommy issues. He is such an incel. He is so full of toxic masculinity. He must be a cis man.

A ship I have with said character: Kylux. Every single angle you take this ship from it’s funny and good. Canon—they hate each other and want each other dead. AU—they still hate each other but they’re (probably) less fascist and genocidal. It’s just so funny. They are so obsessed with each other. They gaslight each other into love confessions. It’s unreal. I’ve been thinking about Kylux for the past month and I feel like an entire geological age has passed. You can tell I’m a Kylux shipper and a R*ylo anti because I almost exclusively refer to him as Ren instead of Kylo. The gay angel went to superhell for Kylux to go canon in Lego Star Wars (twice) and a kids’ comic book. God mocks me to my face.

A BROTP I have with said character: This got literally shot to shit but post-TFA when a bunch of people headcanoned Rey as Luke’s kid and she and Ren were cousins and he reluctantly babysat her because he was literally ten years older than her (hhhhh.) and they had this weird mildly-contentious relationship as adults where they grudgingly acknowledge they are both the most powerful Force users in the galaxy and are the only ones who mutually understand the legacy they bear and care about each other but also cannot be in the same room together and hold a civil conversation for more than five minutes before resorting to uncomfortable silence. Like when you’re at a family reunion and you’re automatically shunted with the only other kid around your age so you have to make conversation but you are just so fundamentally different there’s nothing to talk about. Unreal.

A NOTP I have with said character: Hhh. R*ylo. I’m one of those evil lesbians who hate that ship viciously and one of my dreams is to be one of the mean antis that that bully a shipper in a story that’s clearly exaggerated or made up and then get cancelled for having good taste.

A random headcanon:  I think he and Phasma used to spar a lot. I keep thinking about the five years he spent on the Finalizer pre-canon and I can’t reasonably justify the Knights of Ren hanging out with him for the entire time on a literal military ship and I like the idea of them being the only people that are reasonably on par physically (I also like how Phasma is an inch taller than him because....whew).

General Opinion over said character: God. He drives me wild. I have a lot of thoughts about him and how good he was in TFA and the pre-canon comics/novels as a really fucking good example of a morally-conflicted villain (especially the comics where it made it really clear that he was very much manipulated and gaslit since like…ten years old). Like! The way he could flip at will from drawing strength from both the light AND dark side of the Force is just!! So cool! The way his strength literally derives from moral conflict is just really interesting to me but….idk the way post-TFA he was thrown into a redemption (Rendemption) arc that hinged on Rey being a literal genuine fascist sympathizer made me just really disappointed. He had a lot of amazing potential to be either a really interesting semi-redeemed Byronic antihero OR a full on unhinged animalistic power-mad villain that Rey has to mercy-kill like a rabid dog. And then. Well. Yeah. I like him a lot in very specific contexts and flat out hate him in most others.

 Armitage Hux

Sexuality Headcanon: gay! He is gay! I have an entire list of reasons why he’s gay and it grows daily! Without a doubt a homosexual! Gay and repressed!

Gender Headcanon: Also a cis guy even though I still do have a lot of half-formed thoughts about gender in the First Order/post-collapse of the Empire society.

A ship I have with said character: Kylux! Again! I’m obsessed with how obsessed Hux is with Ren. He hates him so much it’s unreal. I keep reading the novelizations and thinking so fucking hard about how consumed Hux is with hatred for this one man. He’s so repressed. He’s so damaged. It’s unreal. The brainworms in my head have metamorphosed into moths and they’re flapping their wings so hard they’re disintegrating my grey matter. I think near-daily about how he personally went down to retrieve Ren from the collapse of Starkiller Base and yet would not touch him to drag him to shelter in the Hux graphic novel. Would you take off your glove to check his pulse or would you attempt to feel it through the leather and touch something’s dead skin rather than his living warmth. I’m so deeply unwell.

A BROTP I have with said character: Him and Phasma!!! The way they are on first-name terms with each other….the way one of the few times in the graphic novels you see him smile is when Phasma comes back onto the base…..the way they plotted to kill Brendol together….truly evil mlm/wlw solidarity you simply love to see it

A NOTP I have with said character: Oof I see a lil bit of shipping him with Resistance members (I think I’ve seen him with Rose and also Poe??) and I know TROS made the decision to have him defect from the First Order (out of. again. his obsessive hatred with another man. writing choices.) but it makes me INSANELY uncomfortable seeing people of color being shipped with a literal fascist parody of British colonialism and imperialism lmao like….just ship Kylux bro they’re mutually bad people AND a power couple

A random headcanon: Frankly at this point I joke so much about how much like a sick Victorian orphan he looks like that I could write an entire fake medical file for him but I’ll spare you all and simply say that I am incredibly partial to the headcanon that Hux is a freak that bites string cheese instead of peeling it like a normal person. Also…the implications that he Personally placed the tracker in Ren’s belt rather than someone else, so that he alone could keep tabs on him…..I’m unwell. Enough.

General Opinion over said character: If Ren is a character I love to hate, Hux is a character I hate that I love. I just. I can’t stop thinking about this gay little war criminal. It truly, genuinely baffles the mind how much information there is about him. It triggers that same little part of my brain that goes wild over like. ARGs and stuff. There’s just so much lore. With every new piece of canon or semi-canon information I learn about him I can feel my grip on sanity slipping. He owns a black robe. He has a personal hitman in the First Order ranks to poison people he doesn’t like. He drinks tea. He’s a bastard son. He’s great with kids. He was in charge of a squad of feral orphan child soldiers at five years old. I just. I just don’t get it. I’m enamored with him. His compulsive attention to grooming. His hubris. His ambition. How literally unhinged he is (the “rabid cur” line genuinely lives in my head rent free). The way he systemically killed every single person who saw him weak and abused as a child. There’s just so much to talk about with him. He’s so evil. He’s so fucked up. I love him so deeply. He is such a horrible person and he is so fun to make fun of and he is so fun to think about. God wants there to be a bullet in my head so badly.

[prorevenge]

Lawyer thinks he's untouchable. Ordered to pay $310,000 for wasting everyone's time.

Strap in - this has been a labour of revenge for me and for a number of people affected by a monster for more than 3 years. Throwaway as some redditor lawyers could work out who I am - and might still anyway.

It needs a fair bit of context/background (TL,DR at the bottom):

I'm a lawyer - and I specialise in litigation - basically fighting commercial/civil cases. It's a B-R-U-T-A-L industry. We fight each other tooth and nail. For example, if the lawyer on the other side makes a mistake (particularly an ethical one - which can be easier than you'd think) we, (well, a lot of us) do things like holding onto such a complaint so we can time it to arrive when it would be really inconvenient, say a week or two before trial. Then we lodge a complaint, to gain an advantage in the case - even if it ends the other lawyer's career.

Anyway, about 4 years ago I started a new job that was close to where I'd lived. I hadn't heard of the firm, but was ready for a change and they did a fair bit of litigation, which suited me.

I quickly worked out that the manager of the firm was next level sociopath/narcissist. This is an industry ruled by sociopaths, I've worked with them before - but this guy was insane. We'll call him Shithead or SH. The guy has a facebook page of ex-employees dedicated to hating him.

So in the short amount of time I worked there I worked this out pretty quickly. Some of the weird/shitty things he did:

His longest and most loyal staff he made pay EXTRA for any legal work, because it was "worth it" as HE looked over the file (although he never made any changes/did anything).

He used to joke with staff about padding out files and working out ways to charge clients extra (update letters/emails once or twice a WEEK) - he even accused me of cheating him by doing an appeal too cheap - it was $75k.

There was no sugar allowed in anyone's coffee/tea - as it might make you hyperactive...

He caused one of our staff to have a mental breakdown by abusing him (not yelling, but verbally breaking down such as "hmmm. I think you might be a bit stupid")

The firm went through more than 100 staff in 2 years.

He's sued his clients repeatedly for his inflated fees. He of course also sues you for his inflated costs of recovering the inflated fees, if you don't pay. And if he loses, he just appeals until you either go broke or give in because you've got what we call "litigation fatigue".

SH had one client, an old man, who died. The estate was administered, and there was a claim over the proceeds from a son who wasn't in the will. So $600k was placed into SH's trust account where he conducted the litigation. It took 4 years and cost $300k (should have been about $20k) - but the only person who could say no was the wife of the deceased, who was extremely elderly and sick. So after overcharging by about $280k, SH gets a call from the wife who says she's extremely sick and has to catch the bus to go to her doctor's appointments and she doesn't know how much time she has left. So what does SH do? Despite repeated requests, tells her he'll get around to it, never does, and keeps sending her bills for the requests to take the money out, and pays them from the remaining $300k. Slowly chipping away at it. Eventually, one of the staff took action and got her the $250k that was remaining from the $600k estate back - and SH was NOT happy. This was actually the staff member who later had a breakdown (didn't leave his house for 6 months) - and when I saw him after was clearly still unwell.

So by now you know we're dealing with a very intelligent, scary psychopath with the resources of a law firm at his fingertips. I quit pretty quickly - and we had a pretty fierce argument, but that's a story for another time.

It was personally terrifying. I now had no job, a massive mortgage on my new home and a newly pregnant wife. And only 1 month's worth of savings if I saved every dollar (not regular expenses). But even with all that I couldn't work for SH. He was just too much of a..... Shithead.

So I started my own law firm I had most of what I needed. Basically working out of my spare bedroom in my dressing gown. I figured if I could keep costs down and work hard on finding work I might be able to scrape by until I was either making OK money, or I could find another job.

Things worked out OK, I was getting by, doing a few small cases, I paid my bills and had some spare time.

So this is where it gets interesting.

A friend of mine (we met after I quit) who had also worked with/hated SH asked if I was interested in a case where SH was suing his ex-business partner. These proceedings weren't personal, not getting too complex, they were proceedings brought by companies. SH's company was a company of straw, it owned nothing. The ex-business partner's company held some assets.

Put simply, the details of the case were that SH was insisting that the ex-partner agreed to something that he clearly didn't agree to. I took the case. It's important to remember that SH's go to position, is he's smarter and richer than everyone else, owns a litigation law firm, and either crushes people with brains, money, or gives them litigation fatigue.

I spent a bit of time arguing with SH (by correspondence) that he was wrong, and there was clearly no agreement. SH then files Court docs that basically ask the Court to force us to recognise that there was a formed agreement.

The Court case took about 15 months, we won every battle along the way (we call them interlocutory applications). Then we got to the trial - and won that as well.

Because we'd set him up, we managed to also get an order of the Court that SH had to personally pay for the costs of the litigation - which was assessed at about $130k. He was very unhappy about this.

So, of course, he appealed. We were in the state's highest appeals Court. We won that as well - and got a personal costs order against him. For about $100k. So he then appealed to the highest Court in the land - think the Supreme Court of the US or UK.

Those costs were unfortunately only $80k.

So there's no where to go from there - he's still arguing the toss about the quantum of the costs orders. But in that time, my law firm is now twice the size of what his was, and his has more than halved. So I'm just getting paralegals to run the costs arguments, they're time consuming, but not complex.

The piece de resistance? I've filed one of those ethical complaints - you know, the ones that end careers. It's going to be extremely problematic for him - and he's about to be charged with a long, and may I say well drafted and comprehensive, complaint about all his unethical dealings. Worst case, he pays a fine and is publicly reprimanded by the courts. Best case - he's thrown out of the profession.

TL-DR - Terrible, terrible psychopath lawyer uses his law firm as a blunt weapon to beat people into submission. Tries and fails - costing himself (personally) over $300k in costs.

​

*Short edit - to people who:

think that I shouldn't say this - there is nothing privileged here - almost all of it, except obviously my personal experience, is contained in publicly published court documents. All you'd need to do is to log onto my state's/nation's judgment databases to find all these details. I'm comfortable that I'm not doing anything wrong.

Don't believe me - if necessary, I can provide the publicly available judgments to the mods. I'd rather not do it here - as I'd like to preserve some anonymity.

(source) (story by GOWThrowa)

[everlarkbirthdaygifts]

Happy Birthday, finnickfoxes!

We wish a very Happy Birthday to @finnickfoxes! We hope you had a wonderful December 21st full of cake and surprises. To help kick the birthday cheer up a notch, @ally147writes has written a story just for you!

AN: Happy Birthday, @finnickfoxes! I apologise for the short delay; I’ve been a tad unwell these past few days. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this blend-up of a little enemies-to-lovers with a bit of kinda-sorta fake relationship. (I may expand on this one in the future, too, just to flesh it out a bit and make the ending a tad better). Unbeta’d, untitled because titles are hard when you’ve got a headache, and rated M-ish for language; all errors and questionable decisions are my own. Enjoy!

In between another sharp nip of his teeth and a vengeful swirl of his tongue, Peeta Mellark, pain-in-her-ass jerk wad for the better part of her senior year of high school, then her entire college existence, whispers against her lips, “You plan on explaining yourself anytime soon, sweetheart?”

 She bites his lip, hard enough to make him groan into her mouth. She swallows the sound and kisses him again. They’re forceful things, rough and punishing. But they’re addictive, too, and full of so much intensity and indefinable feeling. Nothing at all like a kiss should be. At least, not one you’d have with a guy you hate, let alone in public.

 “Not yet.”

She should, though. She owes him big. What’s the going rate for accosting a guy, with whom you’ve had a mutual hate-fest going on with for the past three years, in the middle of a busy guild coffee shop and kissing him with no explanation?

 (In her defence, she’d like to point out that she had no idea it’d be Peeta she’d be turning around and landing lip-first on. She just thought it’d be another blond-haired, broad-shouldered… literally anyone else she could have explained the situation to and bought a coffee for to apologise).

 But his kiss is nothing like she expected. Nor is his reaction. He should have shoved her away — she would have, if the roles were reversed — not drawn her in even closer with one hand cradled around her head and the other wrapped around her waist like they’re… like they’re an actual couple or something. He tastes… sweet. And spicy. Like cinnamon sugar. Funny. She figured someone with their head so far up their own ass would taste like —

 He slows the kiss to something that threatens to melt her. She shouldn’t be enjoying this anywhere near as much as she is. She tries to drive the kiss back to the hateful roughness of before, to match the tone of all their interactions so far, but he doesn’t let her. His lips are soft and strong, wresting control away from her. They’re in dangerous territory, but there’s not much she can do about it. Hell, there’s not much she wants to do about it…

 He pulls away at last with a soft, damp smack and smirks down at her; the expression he wears is unreadable. Par for the course for the two of them since high school ended. She doesn’t think she’ll ever understand the smarmy bastard and just what it is he does to her.

 Still, she stares as he licks at his red, swollen lips and fights the shiver that threatens to take her over. She needs her head checked, that’s for sure.

 “Well, princess,” he drawls, but he doesn’t move away; his warm breath fans over her face with each exhale, and he draws small circles against her hip with his thumb. It’s lulling, and almost enough to make her forget about… “Is he gone?”

 She darts her gaze to her right where, just beyond the window, Gale Hawthorne — the second-biggest pain in her ass for the better part of her entire college existence — stood just a moment ago, tapping on the glass to get her attention. Or was it even longer ago? Seconds and minutes seemed to bleed and meld with Peeta’s lips on hers, though it couldn’t have been more than five, ten, fifteen seconds, surely…

 She jolts back and shoves Peeta away from her with more force than necessary, and gains a little more satisfaction than she should when he stumbles into a (mercifully) empty table and lands ass up. The café goes silent, and he stares up at her like she’s the insane one.

 Maybe she is. The kiss addled her brain something fierce.

 “Yeah, he’s gone,” she says with a shrug, though it’s hard to act casual when you can’t get your breathing back under control. “We’re done now.”

 He quirks a brow at her from his spot on the floor. People are gawking, but they all seem enraptured by what might happen next. She doesn’t blame them; it’s like a scene out of a bad soap opera. Even she kind of wants to know what happens next.

 “We’d have had to start for us to be done, sweetheart.”

 She almost freezes. They came so close to starting, all those years ago. It scared her how much she wanted them to start. “Don’t care, Mellark.” She waves him off and turns to leave. The sooner she can leave his stifling, baffling presence, the better.

 “Don’t I at least get a thank you?” he calls after her. “Anyone else would have bought me dinner before they start batting around my tonsils. Or at least paid for my tea for me.”

 She flips her middle finger over her shoulder and steps out into the sunlight, far, far away from Peeta Mellark and his confusing lips. “Screw you, Mellark.”

 XXX

 She’s beginning to wonder if there’s such a thing as far, far away from Peeta Mellark’s lips.

 The memory of the kiss follows her for the rest of the day. To her classes and to the dining hall, and consuming every step in between. It’s not fair for a fake kiss with a guy she hates to be the best kiss she’s ever had.

 She wants to be angry, that it could affect her so much, but Peeta Mellark isn’t really to blame, is he? She’s the one that initiated it, that allowed it to happen. Just that thought pisses her off more than she ever believed possible.

 It even follows her to the library later that evening, where she’s pretty sure it’s illegal to have any sort of even remotely smutty thought. Her lips still tingle with a vivid sort of after-memory, still feel swollen and chapped. She’s sure everyone she walks past can see it on her face, can feel the conflict rolling off her in waves.

 But the library is deserted, so quiet that Katniss can hear her footsteps padding over the carpet. She passes a few people on her way to the elevator, and thankfully shares it with no one as she mounts it to the fifth floor, where Gale said he’d be waiting.

 Her respite from Gale was never going to last long, not when they’d been partnered up for an ecology paper at the beginning of the semester. It’d been all right at first; they’d compared their similar upbringings, shared similar tastes in music and pop culture. They both hunted to keep their families afloat, lived a mere town over from each other back at their respective homes, and were forced to grow up too fast when their fathers died (in the same mine explosion, they’d later learned). But where Katniss could laugh off the suggestions from their classmates that, with their matching black hear, grey eyes, and dusky olive colouring, she and Gale could almost be siblings, Gale would glare them down and scoff, like he’d been offended in some way.

 Something in him shifted after that. From then on, he’d touch her more — never anything inappropriate, just light, fleeting things she thought were accidents until they were happening all the time. Next came the innocuous invitations to parties, movies and cafés he thought she’d like, and not-so-subtle hints about a cabin by a lake he knew about in the woods. All the while she’d smile tightly and decline. But he never quite seemed to get the message…

 She finds him at a table in the farthest corner of the floor. He’s hunched over his computer, his back facing her. Katniss takes a deep, bracing breath and pads closer.

 He doesn’t even look up, or turn around at her approach. “Hey, Catnip.”

 She grits her teeth. One day, she’s going to snap and strangle him for calling her that. Soon, too, she thinks. “Hey, Gale.”

 He looks up from his computer like she’s inconveniencing him somehow, and fixes her with a blank look. “So, how you wanna do this?”

 Katniss slips her bag from her shoulder and takes the seat opposite Gale. “Well,” she says as unzips her bag. “We should probably get the rainfall data down, so we can start on the actual report.”

 He nods and shrugs, like it has no real bearing on his grades or anything, like the report’s not worth sixty-percent of their final grade. “Whatever.”

 Katniss rolls her eyes, but says nothing. He’s an ass, but it’s a welcome change from him ploughing her for details on her personal life. She takes out her notebook and a pen, and carefully writes down the stats Gale recites for her, all while the memory of the kiss plays on repeat in her mind. She’s not sure she could banish it if she tried now.

 They’ve been working together for close to an hour, drafting out their report and dividing up the tasks, when Gale clears his throat and says the words she’s been waiting for.

 He doesn’t even look up from his laptop. “Saw you in the coffee shop earlier today, Catnip.”

 “Really?” she says, hoping her complete and utter disinterest shines through. “I didn’t see you.”

 Gale snorts. “Bet you didn’t, what with your tongue down that random Blondie’s throat.”

 Katniss blushes, but a hot lick of anger is building inside her, too. Who the fuck does Gale think he is, and where the hell does he get off judging her?

 “Uh… yeah. It’s not random, but it’s still kinda… new, so…” She doubts she sounds all that convincing, but Gale’s derisive slip of laughter tells her she managed it all right.

 “Yeah, I bet. Madge didn’t even know about him.”

 Her hand jolts hard enough to send the nib of her pen clean through the paper. She’s going to have a chat with Madge when she gets back to their shared dorm tonight. “You’re asking my friends about me now?”

 Gale shrugs. “You weren’t going to tell me anything.” The fact that Madge has a giant, exploitable crush on him goes unsaid.

 “And that wasn’t hint enough?” She slams her notebook shut and shoves it into her shitty bag. Gale glances up from his laptop for once and watches her pack her things away with a look of annoyance. She doesn’t think she could keep working, let alone glance in Gale’s direction again tonight.

 “I’m not interested in you, Gale. I never was and I never will be. So how about you grow up and leave me the hell alone, all right?”

 She storms away from him, ignoring his yells of her name. She’ll finish her part of the assessment on her own and email it to Gale in the morning. Colossal twat though he is, she admits that he’s much better at the design side of things than she is. Besides, Madge owes her a explanation, and it better not have anything to do with Gale’s arms…

 XXX

 All’s well that ends well, Katniss supposes as she wanders the campus, looking for lunch. After a chiding better suited to a small child than a good friend, Madge is off her back and more contrite than ever; Gale is cordial, if a little cold, but now that both their intentions are out in the open, they’re working together fine. And she hasn’t seen Mellark since that fateful morning. Hell, she’s barely thought of their kiss in days.

 She skips the guild coffee shop. Something tells her she wouldn’t be welcome there after last time anyway. Instead, she ventures further across the campus, to a tiny restaurant run by the adjoining culinary school.

 It’s not quite midday yet, so the restaurant is quiet and peaceful. Only half a dozen other students take up tables, eyes locked on their laptop screens while plates of pasta steam at their elbows.

 She places her order at the counter — a big, cheesy bowl of spaghetti sounds more than perfect — and shuffles along the parade of two-person tables, until a sickeningly familiar voice stops her in her tracks.

 “Katniss Everdeen.” She closes her eyes and bites back a groan.

 When she looks up again, Peeta Mellark leans back in his seat and crosses his arms over his chest. “Back for more?”

 She scowls. “Don’t be a pig, Mellark.”

 He grins. “Not that I’d mind being ambushed for random kisses from you again.”

 “Fuck this,” she mutters to herself, and starts to walk away.

 “Katniss,” he calls after her, and something about the soft command in his tone stops her in her tracks. She turns back and watches him kick out the chair opposite him. “Sit down. We need to talk, all right?”

 “If this is about the kiss and… shoving you, then I’m sorry, all right? Otherwise, I don’t have a damn thing to say to you.”

 “Fantastic. You can sit and listen to what I have to say, then.” He nudges the chair out some more, until it bumps up against her shins. “Sit down, Katniss. Please.”

 She does, but she’s not happy about it. She drags the chair back across the floor as she pulls herself in, the scraping both deafening and obnoxious.

 He sighs. “Thank you. Look, Katniss. I’m not sure what I ever did to make you hate me so much —”

 “— You know perfectly well what you did, you sorry son of a bitch.”

 He slaps a hand down on the table, firm enough to rattle the cutlery. When she levels her gaze with his, his eyes are the same angry blue as a hot flame. “That’s the thing, actually: I don’t. I’ve got no idea what I did to piss you off. All I know, is that we were friends — as much as anyone could be your friend, anyway — and then one day, we just… weren’t anymore.” He shrugs, helpless. “You started acting like… God, I don’t know what, like I’d killed your puppy or something, and you never once told me why.”

 “You ditched me for Glimmer fucking Carmichael,” she hisses. Even now, five years after the fact, the memory still threatens to suffocate her in humiliation. She’d only left the shitty hotel ballroom for a moment before Peeta was sticking his tongue down Glimmer’s throat.

 At his slack jaw, she lets out a derisive snort. “You remember that? You made this huge fuss about that night, going on and on that we could just go as friends, and then you just —” She stops, unwilling to go further. The fact that she was then, and still is now, so incredibly hurt by what happened, makes her want to lock herself in a dank, dark cave forever and never come out. God she was such an idiot back then, wanting all of it, all of him, so much.

 “I don’t know what I even expected out of that night,” she mutters to herself. “Of course, if given the option, you’d choose her over me.”

 He’s silent for a long time, but when he speaks, his voice is soft, regretful. “Kat, no. I didn’t…”

 She bites back a gasp at the nickname only he ever used. Mostly because he was the only one who ever bothered to give her one.

 “Look, it doesn’t matter now —”

 “Yes, it does,” he cuts in. “It matters a lot.” He runs a hand through his curls and lets out a noise like a growl. “I didn’t want Glimmer that night, Kat, or ever. I didn’t even know you saw her with me. She just…” He sighs. “I didn’t want to be rude. You went and did whatever you did, and she just started dancing with me, and before I knew it…”

 “You didn’t look like you minded,” she mutters. The image of them pressed together with no ending or beginning is burned into her mind with no hope of removal.

 “Katniss, I wanted to be there with you that night,” he says, and with the surety in his voice, there’s no way she can’t believe him. “I asked you there as friends because that was the only way I could get you to go there with me at all. By the time I got Glimmer off me, I couldn’t find you anywhere. I called, I checked your house… I looked everywhere I could think of for you but… nothing.”

 She shakes her head. “That’s the general idea when you’re trying to avoid someone.”

 He reaches across the table and covers her hand with his. She wants to pull her hand away, but can’t; with his warmth covering hers, she feels frozen to the spot.

 “Please don’t shut me out, Kat,” he pleas. “Not when… god, this whole thing was just a stupid misunderstanding. I lost my best friend because of a stupid misunderstanding.”

 Katniss’ heart feels like it’s about to beat out of her chest. He’s not… he couldn’t possibly... “What are you saying?”

 He squeezes her hand. “I’m saying, I never wanted Glimmer touching me. There’s only one girl I’ve ever wanted touching me, and if she stayed long enough to watch me push Glimmer off me, she might have understood that sooner.” He leans forward, close enough to kiss her again, but he doesn’t, and she’s not sure how she feels about that. “It’s always been you, Katniss. Always.”

 She swallows, but it feels like there’s a lump of cotton lodged in her throat. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

 He quirks a brow at her. “Would you have listened?”

 “So, you decided you’d be a huge ass jerk right back?”

 He smiles at her, and though it’s cliché as all hell, she swears her heart skips a beat. “Pot, kettle? Besides, Kat, that was literally, literally, the only way I could get you to speak to me after everything. I tried being nice. All you did was bite my head off.”

 “Well, I’m listening now.”

 “Yeah,” he says softly. His thumb is tracing circles over the back of her hand, kicking up a trail of goose bumps. “I guess you are.”

 “Sorry for being… you know, a massive cow.”

 His smile spreads even wider. “Thank you. And, uh… ditto.”

 They’re quiet for a moment again, but it’s not an uncomfortable silence. Rather, it’s a charged, electric thing she can just about feel, so laced with hope and anticipation that she could almost choke on it.

 “Kat, can we try again?” he suddenly says. “I just… I want what we were so close to having before. I never stopped wanting it, even when we were at each other’s throats. And before you say anything, just consider —” He trails off, his smile turning into something sly and mischievous “— we’re awesome kissers.”

 She taps a finger to her chin and ponders all the infinite possibilities, just long enough to make him squirm. “I don’t know. Maybe that kiss was just a giant fluke.”

 He grins another heart-stopping grin. “Maybe we ought to try again, then? Just to make sure we’re not getting into anything we might regret.”

 She smiles back, and feels the same flutter in her stomach that she always felt around Peeta Mellark as a hopeless, awkward teenager with a crush. “That might be the best idea you’ve ever had.”

[marvelousbirthdays]

Happy Birthday, georgiagirlagain!

October 16 - Tasertooth, smutty smut smut, perhaps with a side of protectiveness/worry, for @georgiagirlagain

Written by @ozhawkauthor

Note: an A/B/O ‘verse.

“Darcy!” Victor shouted it again, growing increasingly concerned for his mate. Her scent was wrong somehow, different. It had been almost a fortnight since he was last with her, and it seemed something had changed in that time. Was she ill?

“In here,” Darcy’s voice called, and he ran for the bedroom door, and on through the room into the bathroom, where he found Darcy on her knees in front of the toilet.

“Darcy!” Horrified, Victor fell to his own knees, reached to gather her into his arms. “My angel, my sweet, what’s wrong?”

She twisted in his arms, rubbed her face against his neck, absorbing his scent. He felt the tension go out of her body as she sighed.

“Oh god. That’s so much better.”

“What is better? Why are you ill?” She hadn’t vomited; there was no sour stink of it in his nostrils, but clearly she was feeling nauseous.

Darcy rubbed her face against his throat again before giving a little chuckle. “Just the natural course of things, my Alpha.”

Victor had no idea what she was talking about. But then, he’d never had an Omega of his own before, never been bonded before. If his mate wanted to sit on the bathroom floor in the comfort of his arms and just absorb his scent, he was perfectly happy to indulge her. After a moment, though, she stirred.

“Carry me to bed, Victor.” There was an unmistakable note of desire in her voice, lust entering her scent and fogging Victor’s brain… but not enough to make him forget that his mate was unwell.

“You’re in no condition for that, Darcy!”

“I’m pregnant, not sick,” she protested, and he was so shocked he almost dropped her on the floor.

“... what?”

“Well, it is a natural consequence of what we’ve been doing, you know.” She hooked her arms around his neck, smiling up at him. “You remember, that heat I had a few weeks back? Where you went into rut and nearly threw Thor through a wall? Which was impressive, by the way.”

Victor remembered very well. Darcy’s scent always inflamed him, but finding another male anywhere near her when she was in heat sent him just about insane. Even Thor’s Asgardian strength had been no match for him. Fortunately the thunder god had been more amused than offended - when Darcy and Victor re-emerged after five days of wild sex, anyway.

“Pregnant,” he repeated, utterly confuzzled.

“Yes, and I’ve been having dreadful bouts of morning sickness.” Darcy nuzzled his throat again. “Which is, intriguingly, completely gone now. I always thought it was a myth that having her Alpha around could dispel an Omega’s morning sickness. Must be your scent.”

“You smell different,” Victor said gruffly, realizing that her pregnancy must be what was causing the change.

“Bad, different?” Darcy looked up at him appealingly as he carried her to the bedroom.

“No,” he denied at once. “Just different.” It was making him feel even more protective of his mate than he usually did. Laying her tenderly down on the bed, he plumped pillows, tucked a blanket over her until she pushed it away, laughing.

“Victor. It’s warm in here! Stop it - and come here!”

He could never resist when she held her arms out and gazed up at him with those big blue eyes. Shucking his coat, he lay down beside her and pulled her close, startled when she immediately kissed him, her hands sliding up inside his shirt.

“Darcy?” His Omega had never been exactly submissive, but now she was almost aggressive, tugging at his shirt in an effort to get it off.

And Victor discovered that another ‘myth’ about Omega pregnancies was true. That the scent of his pregnant Omega could turn even the fiercest Alpha into a purring pussycat obedient to his Omega’s slightest whim.

He pulled his clothes off at Darcy’s direction, even as she wiggled out of her yoga pants and tank top. Skin to skin, he groaned with the sheer pleasure of touching her again, the smoothness of her skin, the brush of her silken hair against his chest. His cock leaped to attention, pressing against the softness of her belly, not yet beginning to round out with his child, though he thought her magnificent breasts were a little fuller than before.

Darcy smiled against his chest; he felt her full lips curve up. Her small hand stole in between them. He caught her wrist just before she reached his cock.

“Darcy…”

“Pregnant. Not sick. Not ill, not injured.” She pulled against his grip, and he let go of her wrist before she hurt herself. Closed his eyes as her fingers curled around his cock.

“It won’t hurt the baby?” Intellectually, he knew it wouldn’t. He’d lived long enough, seen enough loved-up pregnant couples to know that. Darcy’s soft laugh answered the question. He asked another. “And… you want to?”

She laughed even louder. “Victor, my you big foolish man. I wanted to jump your bones the first time I even laid eyes on you. Nothing’s changed.”

Nothing had changed for him either, except that he’d wanted her before he ever saw her, the first moment he caught a whiff of her scent. He’d been like a hunting dog on the trail following that tantalising, enticing scent until he found her, and then she’d looked up from a pile of papers, her blue eyes widening behind her glasses as she scanned a long look up and down his six-foot-six frame.

She’d licked her lips, and it had taken every ounce of willpower Victor ever possessed not to vault over her desk and snatch her up then and there. But he was trying so hard to go straight, trying to be one of the good guys. So instead, he’d reached out a shaking hand to grab the chair opposite her desk, sat down and said “I’m Victor, and you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”

Darcy had been a little wary of him, the biggest and most imposing Alpha she’d ever met who watched her with hungry eyes and had a reputation as one of the most dangerous mutants alive. It had taken him quite a few weeks to win her over, and he still thought that she’d only finally accepted him after she rode out a heat alone and he didn’t smash the door to her apartment down to take her.

She had no idea that he’d gone to Stark the moment he sensed her pheromones spiking and begged to be locked in the Hulk-proof cell deep in Avengers Tower’s underbasements. Or that the rocket-proof glass still bore the scars of his claws.

As Darcy pushed him down to his back and climbed up to straddle him, Victor lay back and gazed up at her with something very much like awe. He couldn’t imagine what he’d done to deserve her, his beautiful Darcy, his Omega.

She moaned softly as he slid down on his cock, already slick for him. Victor’s hands clenched on her hips, but carefully. Never hard enough to leave bruises, because hurting Darcy was an utterly unacceptable thought. No, he only held on firmly enough to support her as she rode him, her head thrown back with pleasure, chasing her orgasm. And it was only once she’d shuddered and clenched around him that he allowed his own release.

“I love you so fucking much,” he growled against her hair as she lay panting on his chest, felt her stiffen with surprise as she lifted her head to look up at him.

“You never said that to me before,” and to his horror, Darcy’s eyes filled with tears.

“Angel!” His arms tightened around her, and he rolled them both, pinning her beneath him though he was careful to keep his weight off her. “I… I thought you knew. You’re everything to me. Everything.”

Victor had never been a man for pretty words. He’d never thought emotions would get the best of him, until he met Darcy.

She reached up shaking hands to touch his face. “I love you, too.”

He was just smart enough not to say I know. Instead he lavished kisses on her face, her neck, her breasts… her belly. He whispered to the baby cradled deep in her womb, promising to be the best father he could, telling the baby how lucky it was to have the most wonderful mother in the world. His Darcy.

[the-penance-and-the-patience]

Getting to know my compassionate self and how it’s helping my recovery

Essentially when I think to as far back as I can remember, caring too much has almost always ended badly for me. Why the fuck would I want to nurture a part of me that always ended in profoundly intense and downright uncomfortable pain?

When I was little, during those CRUCIAL and FORMATIVE years of developing a sense of self, I cared a whole lot about what my sister thought. She was older and extremely cool so this was natural for a kid. However it ended in me never wearing what I wanted, being told it was too boyish and ugly, never doing dumb kid things on holidays because she wanted to kiss boys. Her opinion was of paramount importance, she was older, she knew better, right? 

Growing into pre-teen hood, I cared a whole lot about my parents wellbeing under the stress of my sister’s misbehaviour. I voluntarily suppressed and rebellion within me so they would be okay, I love my parents more than anyone in my life. I could not see them go through that twice. I helped them not worry about me by being the perfect student and daughter which at that point was very easy and natural. I didn’t realise I wasn’t listening to myself and my needs, not being compassionate to my desires. 

Caring probably too much about my first boyfriend meant “seeing him for his heart made of gold”..... I.e forgoing the acts of cheating and lying thinking that it was normal and fine and he was still a beautiful person whom I loved dearly. 

Caring a whole lot about teacher’s opinions in high school meant being that “tick-in-the-box” kinda student, where I managed to do everything right and succeed at school but never celebrate it in fear of coming across as too proud or too bashful. Always be humble. 

However at that point, caring so so much about all of the above never got me anywhere. I didn’t know that this was because I was forgoing caring about myself at the same time... I guess I just didn’t know how. I dunno. There’s no real explaining why it happened. However, caring about my sister’s opinions made me really damn sad at that age. I didn’t know that I could still do it anyway and be fine, she was my world. Caring about my parents being okay meant not fucking up much as a kid. I didn’t realise that oh yeah, my parents actually are superhuman and probably could have dealt with my fuck ups too. Caring about my boyfriend as much as I did much meant crying days on end. I didn’t know that I could function without him, I thought no one else was capable of loving me. Caring about school so much meant I literally had no fucking social life at all.... My brain just didn’t know balance or not giving a fuck and all those back doors that get you into uni degrees. So naturally, my entire being stopped caring and gave up on me.

I can’t quite pinpoint exactly when or how this happened. But I know it was around the age of turning 18. I wanted to lose weight for me, for no one else, I thought fuck all of you. This is something I want for ME. But very quickly I realised that through caring too much about others and their opinions, meant I didn’t know how to care about myself or how to treat my body with the compassion it deserved. Losing weight became about proving a point to the people who hurt me, I didn’t know forgiveness, it became another tick in the box. So I did it and I did it well, like fucking everything else. That was until it got out of control and took a hold of me. Before I knew it I was binging and purging in the form of over-exercise and my life was spiralling out of control, it was a complete out-of-body horror-show that fucked me up real hard guys, real real hard.

I put on a stack of weight, unable to counteract the bingeing. This was when I was slapped powerfully, with undeniable vigour across the face with my inability to delineate between what people thought of me and what I thought of myself. They were inseparable and this was very very, very bad. I couldn’t leave my room. I didn’t deserve to, I thought. Everyone would see what a mess I’d become. Do I even deserve to live in this world? I’m a burden on everyone around me. Society won’t accept me like this. I am an incapable lump consumed by how I look and other people’s opinions. 

I was diagnosed with my eating disorder and severe depression and that was kind of the beginning of me forcefully getting to know myself. Basically if I didn’t it was made very damn clear that I would never get out of this hole. It was either recovery or suicide to be completely honest. Luckily, there was a very teeny part of me (buried somewhere very deep and covered in layers and layers and layers of emotional walls built) that knew I had more to live for. 

That brings me here, 3.5 years after being diagnosed. I’m in “recovery” sure, but fuck. It’s still a journey everyday, and a conscious decision to respect my inner-most self. To really, really listen, no matter how faint it can be sometimes. No matter how much easier it often is to pretend I’m not still hurting and to just ignore that I have needs unique to me that need to be addressed. No matter how much easier it feels to conform to what society wants me to be and do. I mean I was socialised to do this after all, just like everyone else, I didn’t know it was going to have consequences. For so many people, they get to be what society wants and it just has no consequence. They succeed at becoming the stock image. They fit the mould. They go through life with not a whole lot of turmoil and don’t have to learn these lessons. That’s just life. I don’t hold resentment toward these people anymore. It just is. But for whatever reason, I got chosen to have my own personal early life crisis and I’m no longer able to not listen to my body. I’m no longer able to ignore my needs because if I do I end up back in a hole. A dark hole where suicide becomes a deliciously sweet alternative to waking up another day. 

And it’s because of all of that that I’ve come to the wholehearted opinion that this disorder is the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. 

I know who I am right now in this moment. After three years of therapy I also know that this changes every single day and that that’s completely fine. The universe has a profound plan for me and if I try and control that, I’ll end up frustrated as all hell and upset that it’s not happening the way I want. I’ll also end up unwell again. Go with the flow kids. Controlling every little thing is unsustainable. It just is. 

I’ve learnt some of my passions. I’ve learnt that I will forever love expressing myself through the written word. I’ve realised a passion for education and am now pursuing a career in it. With no strict deadline or end goal, mind you, making whatever happens in the meantime much much easier to deal with. The universe has its own plan remember! I’ve also realised a love for moving my body to music that I spiritually and physically connect to. It is here that I feel pure, uninhibited elation, preferably barefoot. I can connect to the energy beneath my feet that mother earth shoots directly into my soul, I become one with the music and the movement of my body becomes unencumbered by thought. One day I hope to channel this insane love for music into learning an instrument as well, creating my own rhythms and beats, a musical manifestation of the insanity that is my mind. 

As mentioned in the headline. I’ve also, above all, learnt a whole fucking lot about what a compassionate person I am, that I care. I care a lot. I care about everyone. I care about all life forms and what I’ve been through has shown me if nothing else that no person or living thing, no matter what a seemingly perfect life they might have, is indestructible. It’s opened my eyes to the reality of others’ suffering and my own. I feel pain deeply and intensely. I’m sure everyone does when they really get to know themselves, but what came with this feeling was also training myself to understand that feeling pain is not bad nor good, it’s life. It was this lesson particularly that has allowed me to be okay with caring so much. Before, when I felt pain as a reciprocation of caring so much, I wanted to fuck it right off. Now when I feel pain I acknowledge that this makes me more truthfully and unashamedly human than anything else. When I let the feeling overwhelm me as it should, I know exactly where it resides and this can be different for everyone. It conjures deep within my chest, and I have to consciously recognise and connect with this in order to let it be and do its thing. I know it will eventually subside. Truly connecting with this pain has helped me realise the capacity for empathy in ALL beings, if only we truly connect. This is an ongoing practice for me. Time and time again I want to squander this feeling with self-destructive behaviours, but I need you to hear me when I say that letting it wash over you and do what it needs is more satisfying than any coping mechanism out there.

This battle has thus shown me that no life form is better than any other life form and to progress as a race we need to understand that. We are all susceptible to pain and suffering and the more we realise this about one another, the closer we will come to finding harmony and oneness. But unfortunately on the flip side of this, I’ve also come to realise that until intense pain and suffering is realised, it is near impossible to empathise with another’s. 

As mentioned, my chosen method of self-destruction is food. I would shove excessive amounts of it into my body, knowing full well how it would make me feel after. Goddamn awful. And it was always the same foods, you know the ones, they elicit that artificial high that makes you feel better for a little while, just like a drug, in order to squander pain. Or these kinds of food just make you feel bloated and generally awful. Interesting. In the process of truly getting to know myself I found ways to obtain a natural high away from food. Did I need these foods at all now I was discovering healthy coping methods? I began tentatively looking into what I was eating, taking note of how it made me feel. I would still binge, but be more observant about it. I began thinking about my new friend compassion, the compassion I have for all life forms, the compassion I was starting to feel for myself.... 

Then one day, it all culminated into one profound realisation. It wasn’t random. Everything I’d learnt led me there. In order to truly connect with my inner-most wants and needs and feel more established natural highs, derived from a satisfied soul, I needed to fuel my body with foods that will not inhibit such a connection. If I take an animal’s pain and suffering for example and ingest it into my body each day...  Well firstly this is normal. I was socialised to eat animals. Then I learnt how addictive it is, providing my body an with an artificial high when ingested in large amounts. On my journey towards empathy and compassion this began to feel immoral, disgusting as I began to come to terms with the pain and suffering these animals go through... For the sake of human entertainment/satisfaction/taste buds. But surely some of these animals have been treated okay? That’s why I started off vegetarian. Also because of course I worried that I wouldn’t eat enough and inevitably binge. I went and saw my dietician and explained that my journey had led me here and that I wanted to make the choice but at the hands of a professional. She helped me and already I noticed a difference within a week. It was like my body was giving me a hug, acknowledging how much kinder I was suddenly being.

This went on for around three months. I was still eating dairy etc. Then came the natural progression to learning about veganism. Why did I think dairy was still ok? The more I researched the more I realised that if anything, dairy was probably the least okay. But how did I know this would not just become another obsession used to control everything? Would I end use this to lose weight? I asked myself these questions truly and deeply before coming to my decision. I had to know that this was a choice made out of compassion for all living souls, despite differing intelligences allowing some lives to exploit others. No one should have to endure excessive pain and suffering. This was why. I care. I unashamedly care about these lives, this was not about my own self-destruction and deprivation. 

But look at what I’ve learnt. I can get natural highs. I don’t need that lethal combination of dairy and sugar or the ingestion of pain and suffering via animal products. I’ve learnt what an insanely truthful, soulful and spiritual connection I now have to my body that is my vessel. Now that it’s been rid of the animal products ingested and consequently their immense trauma experienced before death, I have access to a part of myself I never did before. This cannot be a coincidence.   

I can’t help but feel like everything i’ve been through has led me here. I cannot stress to any eating disorder sufferers out there how much this is NOT about weight. Heck I will be a fat vegan for all I care. This is about connecting to my inner-most self in a way that nourishes my body instead of destroying it. This is about respecting the rights of all life forms to live and exist just as we do. No living vertebrae is better than any other. If our world and our human existence is to be compatible with the extraordinary wonders of the planet earth we need to exist harmoniously. The agriculture industry is LITERALLY taking over our planet, destroying our oceans. I’m not gonna get preachy about that shit but please go and educate yourself... Watch Cowspiracy, watch Earthlings, these documentaries expose the reality of our world. We need to eliminate this huge disconnect between the meat in our supermarkets/fast food chains and the beautiful animals and lives that are destroyed in order to get them there. It is the same life. Just packaged and advertised in a way that makes you forget. 

This is where I’m at. I’m not perfect. But this is my choice, to honour and respect myself and every living soul as best I can through education and through knowledge. Love, compassion and understanding, please lets connect again.