#Sam and Uriel’s insistence that their way is the best way

[ishades]

I think I’ll always be a little bit obsessed with the Dean and Cas parallels like they really set so much up…

[eunoiastarz]

balthazar hcs because he’s my bestie cannon confirmed <3

he has adhd because I say so and I’m right.

despite being perfectly fine in loud crowded areas he gets easily overstimulated in high stress (mental) situations.

balthazar was originally training to work in intelligence and despite being very good at it, he was far too rambunctious for the other angels to keep up with. he always needed to be moving/ part of the action so they switched him over to the garrisons last minute.

he was very misplaced in his first garrison and didn’t end up connecting with any of them. unlike cas he never kept in contact. he doubts if they even remember him because they normally ignore him whenever their paths cross.

he has a very loose grip on his autonomy. honestly, he barely understands it at all. sometimes his eyes will glow and wings will be shown in shadows without his knowledge despite not being able to do it at will. It’s probably an effect of how many times he’s been brainwashed by naomi. what he does pertain in the ability to fly, which he’s skilled himself in.

he’s very musically inclined <3 was always a fan of the heavenly choir. he actually knew hannah just because he hung around the choir areas so much, they’d been friends.

when he first escaped down to earth he was extremely confused with the concept of gender. apparently he was a man just because that’s what his vessel was?? his whole life he’d just been himself, being shoved into this box confused him to no ends.

him and hester were extremely close but were never given the chance to rebuild their relationship after he ran away. hester avoided him at all costs during s6 because of how pissed she was.

he discarded his angel blade in heaven before ditching. when cas tried to give it back to him, having been using it instead of his own, his excuse was to make his death more believable. really, he couldn’t tolerate the sight of it, let alone how it felt in his hands. he insisted cas keep it because he had other weapons, but it was left for him anyways. when everyone was gone he tried to break it.

despite being slightly off-put by bartholomew he was always the one to make double the effort to make him feel included because he wished his first garrison had given him that decency.

he hyperfixated on movies after being exposed to them on earth. it’s how he learned about modern human culture and finds it the easiest way to relate/ communicate with them.

his vessel was big in the party scene which was the whole reason he learned about things to that capacity.

he’s the most sociable out of the garrison but somehow had the least friends. to him it never mattered much because at least his garrison loved him.

he doesn’t like dogs to any capacity, he can enjoy cats though.

he’s frog person. the african bullfrog on the banister is 6x03? his <3 she is his lady your honor.

balthazar and uriel actually got along great that’s why uriel waited to ask him to join the rebellion like he did cas, killing each other wasn’t fathomable.

he’s normally all talk to avoid killing other angels which they see as highly annoying.

he spends just as much time alone as he does out with humans. he seems more solitary in the way that he’d be happy just laying down in a big empty house.

he does so well on earth because he’s been there far more times than naomi has let him remember.

back in heaven he was close to joshua and always helped him around the garden, ie why he knows so much about plants and flowers. though he was always mainly in the garden because he loved to care for the frogs.

he has spotted pigeon wings and no do not try and correct me.

he likes wine or straight alcohol, never beer. definitely judges sam and dean for liking it too.

he doesn’t understand other people’s emotions at all. he can’t tell how people feel about him in anyway. sam and dean hate him but they still call him for help. he thinks he’s cas’ best friend but cas has never chose him once. he tries to act like it doesn’t bother him and pretends to be self centered to avoid having to ask the question. anna used to be the one to help him with things like this since she always had a good grasp on communication, but obviously she isn’t around anymore.

his tendency to always be standing on top of higher objects comes from the discomfort he feels while in a vessel. it isn’t him, it’s far too small to be him that’s why he feels the need to appear larger so people know he’s still a himself/ a threat.

he’s a perfectionist, to him all things are about presentation. I’m using his introduction and the raphael confrontation scene as my proof.

he absolutely sucks at healing in general. it takes an extended amount of time to heal himself and longer than average to heal others. it takes a focus he can never seem to achieve.

he has a weird niche for sleeping despite not needed to which gets more severe post-empty. his bed is essentially just a nest of blankets and pillows.

he’s extremely neat with him wings, but cannot for the life of him figure out how to properly care for his vessel. cas finds it amusing because balthazar has never not been on his case for having unkept wings. he makes sparse comments about it that balthazar acts mock offended too.

he went through at least 3-4 garrisons before finally landing in annas because he never found a place. the higher ups took notice that he preformed better while around her garrison since he normally snuck off to be with them during a battle. they figured if they couldn’t stop him (and they’ve tried), having him be a better solider wouldn’t be a bad trade.

as much as he loves earth and the ocean his favorite place in the universe is the lagoon nebula. he’s spent so much time there he permanently smells of stardust and ash.

even after leaving heaven he never fully turned off his angel radio. he was never able to cut off heaven in general.

he’s never felt complete before in his life, somethings always been missing. he tried to surround himself with his friends and noise as much as he could but nothing ever seemed to work.

he bounced around for the majority of his life, yet attached himself to people like cas and rachel quicker than he did everyone else. he took this as his sign that he belonged.

he and uriel talked about running away often. balthazar ended living up to the plan they were supposed to never go through with.

he’s got a good moral compass in most all situations, it just takes time for him to think things over and fully decide what he wants to do.

he gives himself wholey to others out of love canon confirmed.

despite being selfless he knows when to make a choice for himself. as much as he loved his garrison he knew the right move for himself would be leaving. he desperately tries to remind himself of that after seeing them again because ‘oh god how could I leave them’.

he and rachel were very close despite contrasting. they both know exactly how to deal with each other when one of them is overwhelmed.

he adds an ‘ie’ to the end of peoples name as an affection thing (cassie, uri(e), samie).

nobody knows exactly where or how he got his humor. his jokes are never funny but his garrison always rolled their eyes and smiled despite it because that was just balthazar. he actively knows people don’t find him funny, but he’s always only playing for a reaction.

despite all the things he’s done he’s never once felt good in anyway. angels are supposed to be pure, yet he holds an overwhelming feeling of being unclean. he tried to embrace it on earth and become more of what he thinks himself to be, but all the sex and blood never sat right.

he only liked gabriel half the time, the other half he found him overly irritating and intolerable.

he enjoys the ocean, definitely one of his favorite things earth has to offer.

snow is his preferred weather. It snowed in heaven a lot, some of his fondest memories involve the cold. he just likes how snow flakes feel on his wings.

he regularly did hesters hair when she was young. he loved to add ribbons and small pieces jewelry. this was their down time after training with one another.

balthazars always either humming or singing under his breath which everyone but his garrison finds annoying. they used to, but they’ve just become well adapted to his quirks.

in cannon it seems like angels can taste sugar, so I don’t particularly think balthazar would like things that are straight up sugar like candy, but overly complicated and fancy deserts are something he definitely enjoys.

his favorite flowers are canterbury bells <3

his preferred music is old love songs which are constantly playing throughout his house.

6x03 confirmed he liked to dance I don’t need to elaborate on this hc.

he has swirly handwriting :^)

he’s repressed his personality a lot. being loud and excitable in heaven was highly frowned upon, so in order to survive he tries to mask as much as possible.

[airenyah]

what are the gayest destiel episodes you can think of?

ohhhhh i gotchu hold on (this is basically gonna end up being a list of my fave destiel episodes lmaooo)

ok so just a heads-up, i don’t really remember much from s10 onwards (a lot of those episodes i haven’t actually watched since they aired whoops) and i’m currently stuck at the beginning of s9 on my complete rewatch soooo this list focuses only on the first half of the show. i might do an update if i ever manage to finish my rewatch (and remember to post an update at all when the time comes)

ok here we go:

4x16 - On the Head of a Pin

dean calls cas “cas” to his face for the very first time

dean is all “you can't ask me to do this, cas. not this.” (about torturing alastair) and uriel is all “who said anything about asking”, but cas is all: “this is too much to ask, i know. but we have to ask it” and that is the moment that dean realizes that cas cares about him and his feelings/well-being and that’s when he demands to speak to cas alone 

and it’s only after cas tells dean he really doesn’t want dean being forced to do the torturing that Dean gives in (”i would give anything not to have you do this”)

like, it’s so obvious already how much cas cares about dean already and we’re only in s4

 cas is even starting to go down the path of disobedience (with a little help from anna admittedly, but still. he’s starting to consider it)

they’re so?? comfortable?? with each other. when cas visits dean at the hospital in the end

4x22 - Lucifer Rising

dean literally makes an angel fall in this ep, i mean come on... (the way cas shows up behind him all “you asked to see me” after dean smashes the angel statue cracks me up every single time gsdlka)

dean desperately trying to get cas to help him (bc he knows that IF there’s an angel that would help him it’s cas)

cas is too afraid though and dean gets pissed and literally breaks up with him (D: "you spineless, soulless son of a bitch. what do you care about dying? you're already dead. we're done." C: "dean-" D: "we're done!")

this is the episode in which cas makes his decision and chooses dean over heaven

5x03 - Free to Be You and Me

in the previous episode sam and dean had a fight and split up. this episode starts out with dean being pissed and annoyed and just in a bad mood in general

when cas shows up and asks for help dean is very grumpy and doesn’t want to help at first but then reluctantly agrees

throughout the episode, the more time dean spends with cas the better his mood gets (honestly this point is worthy of its own separate post, i have enough screenshots lmao)

like he’s even smiling at the end of the ep when he’s talking to cas in the car!! (except then he looks over and realizes cas has left mid-conversation again and that smile is wiped right off his face and i’m sad :( )

when they’re in that brothel dean mostly has eyes for cas, even when chastity the hooker is standing right next to him

after the brothel incident when dean is cracking up and goes “it's been a long time since I've laughed that hard. it's been more than a long time. years.” like... buddy. your crush is showing.

and the way cas smiles lovingly at dean laughing next to him

dean be like: “personal space”     also dean: *reaches into cas’s coat without hesitation* *fixes cas’s shirt and tie without hesitation*

also the funniest thing about the whole “personal space” moment in the motel is that there was more than enough space for dean to step aside and increase the distance between him and cas if he had really been all that uncomfortable but he just. doesn’t. no he just stays right where he is 

when raphael is trapped in the holy oil and threatens cas all “castiel, I'm warning you. do not leave me here. i will find you.” and cas goes “maybe one day. but today, you're my little bitch.” and walks away and dean tells raphael “what he said” like the impressed and proud boyfriend that he is

inside jokes (see here)

some more iconic quotes/moments from this episode:

“cas, we’ve talked about this. personal space”

“so, what, i'm thelma and you're louise and we're just going to hold hands and sail off this cliff together?”

“well. last night on earth. what are your plans?” “i just thought i'd sit here quietly.”

“let me tell you something. there are two things i know for certain. one, bert and ernie are gay. two, you are not gonna die a virgin. not on my watch.”

5x14 - My Bloody Valentine

hunter husbands!!

the way that dean is not in the mood for hook-ups on valentine’s day and then goes to stare at cas like That

that iconic phone call at the hospital where cas just appears in front of dean who nearly runs into him

cas be looking at sam while listing all the things people can be starving for, and then looks at dean before saying “love” 

ok i know this doesn’t have that many points but really this entire ep is great, i very much enjoy all the interactions between cas and dean in this ep

like when dean is not hungry and cas is all “you're not gonna finish that?” and grabs the plate without waiting for an answer bc they’re this married in s5 already

6x20 - The Man Who Would Be King

i mean... this one is obvious isn’t it

this ep is literally all about how cas is doing everything for the winchesters aka dean

the way sam and bobby cautiously voice their suspicions of cas to dean has the same energy as carefully breaking it to a family member that you think their partner is cheating on them 

and when they trap cas in the holy oil and confront him dean also acts like a betrayed wife(gn)

which is such a stark contrast to how sam and bobby react to the betrayal (they’re mostly just like “eh this sucks” while dean is emotionally affected)

and even in the following episodes dean is way more affected by cas’s betrayal than sam and bobby are and dean is the one who argues the most with cas (honestly, this entire arc is literally that post that’s all “how do i know dean is in love with cas? bc sam isn’t”)

ok but the holy oil scene is truly like a soap opera (i mean... “where were you when i needed to hear it?” “i was there. where were you?” and dean looking back at cas one last time before running away)

this is their first big break-up and it takes them until the s7 finale to make up

special shoutout to cas watching dean rake leaves

this ep is a LOT

7x17 - The Born-Again Identity

dean’s FACE when he sEES CAS. and then DEAN’S FACE AGAIN when “emmanuel” is all “what’s your issue?”

dean’s face all throughout that first scene with “emmanuel” and daphne, I’M

“you know, I used to be able to just shake this stuff off. you know, whatever it was. It might take me some time, but... i always could. what cas did... i just can't – i don't know why” BECAUSE YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH HIM, IDIOT

the way dean interrupts all irritated when meg goes “i think we're gonna be good friends too” at “emmanuel” (jealous bf much gsdlksafd)

the way dean kept the trenchcoat just in case so he can give it back to cas should he return (which ofc he did)!!!!

7x21 - Reading is Fundamental

yet another one of those “how do I know dean is in love with cas? bc sam isn’t”

at the beginning of the ep at some point sam’s phone rings and when he says that meg (who is watching over cas at the mental hospital) is calling, dean is quick to stand up and even tho meg called sam, dean is the one who ends up having the phone call with her lmao

also dean has no chill during that phone call lmao (he’s irritated when he finds out meg didn’t call them right then and there as soon as cas woke up and he’s immediately concerned when meg says cas is different, while sam’s just standing there holding his phone out to dean, being all ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ lmao)

dean: *pissed af at cas*    also dean: *almost breaks his own neck at the speed with which he whips his head around at the mention of cas’s name and is desperate to know his location when cas calls meg after dean blasted him away with some other angels at the hospital*

ok no but then meg tells cas their location and cas zaps into the car and it’s hilarious how quick dean is to interrupt whenever cas turns his attention to meg in that scene

8x07 - A Little Slice of Kevin

dean seeing cas everywhere

when you see your best dudebro outside the window in the middle of a storm but when you get up he’s gone and you feel like crap because you could’ve made it out of the war zone together and you just cannot fathom why he didn’t try harder and you just don’t understand why you’re feeling what you’re feeling (and judging by dean’s reaction to sam’s suggestion, clearly it’s not survivor’s guilt)

dean’s FACE when cas suddenly appears behind him in the bathroom

jacting joices: the infamous boner scene (yet another example of “how do I know dean is in love with cas? bc sam isn’t”)

jacting joices pt 2: sam and dean are talking case and then cas walks over to join the conversation and there is literally no reason for dean to check cas out (see here)

during the rescue mission when cas zaps into the room and has a stand-off with crowley and then when dean finally manages to break into the room, can i just say... the way dean immediately rushes to cas (who’s ended up on the floor) and grabs him by the shoulder before he bothers to look around the room

D: “that was a bonehead move back there. you could have gotten yourself killed. why didn't you wait for me?” C: “well, i didn't get killed. and it worked” D: “and if it didn't?” C: “it would have been my problem.” D: “well, that's not the way i see it.”

the purgatory flashbacks when dean keeps insisting that cas is coming along with them back to earth and won’t hear otherwise

“i did everything I could to get you out – everything! i did not leave you.”  “so you think this was your fault?”

“look, I don't need to feel like hell for failing you, okay? for failing you like i've failed every other godforsaken thing that i care about! i don't need it!”

i know we hate buckleming but this episode, man. this episode

8x08 - Hunteri Heroici

i was gonna put this as a special shoutout but then it turned out that i had more to say about this ep than i initially thought

it’s the way dean and cas keep gravitating towards each other in the first half of the episode. no seriously, they somehow keep ending up beside each other and you start wondering “what’s personal space” (friendly reminder that this is the ep right after they’re finally back together again after purgatory)

the married energy and the bickering

the “talk to me” scene where cas finally opens up to dean (but then interrupting moose strikes)

at the retirement home dean to sam and cas: “no flirting you two” then CUT to: dean and cas sitting at a table with an elderly lady who is staring at cas with heart eyes and... lady: “you are so pretty, charles” dean: *must look at young nurse’s butt immediately to distract myself from gay thoughts*

i’m sorry but the way he smiles so widely at cas at one point when they’re talking to that lady, like, she’s just called cas a bounder and dean’s amused about that but his amusement is not in any way malicious and his face is just so full of love when he looks at Cas, it’s embarrassing really (see here)

9x06 - Heaven Can't Wait

ok so i haven’t watched this ep in like 5 years so my memories on this aren’t as fresh as with the previous eps but! it’s the way that cas and dean act exactly like exes (who are still in love with each other) in this ep

dean’s face as he’s staring at cas through the shop window

dean’s smile when he shows up inside the shop

the entire “i can’t let you do this cas” scene in the car

the infamous fanfiction gap

special shout out to:

5x18 - Point of No Return for all the bickering (“you know what? blow me, cas”) and especially  “well, cas, not for nothing, but the last person who looked at me like that… i got laid.”

6x10 - Caged Heat for the pizza man and dean’s reaction to all the megstiel (like jealous bf much?)

6x19 - Mommy Dearest for the strong married energy dean and cas give off in this ep (honestly, all their bickering, it’s glorious) (friendly reminder that this is right before tmwwbk) 

7x23 - Survival of the Fittest for the “i’d rather have you cursed or not” scene

8x02 - What's Up, Tiger Mommy? for the purgatory flashbaks with that one monster calling cas dean’s angel and the reunion scene by the river with highlights such as “nice peach fuzz” and “i prayed to you cas, every night” and “i have a price on my head, and i've been trying to stay one step ahead of them, to – to keep them away from you” and “cas, we're getting out of here. we're going home” and “cas, buddy, i need you” and “let me bottom-line it for you. i'm not leaving here without you. understand?”

8x17 - Goodybe Stranger for “i don't know, dean. if he's so sketchy, then why were you praying to him?” and the entire crypt scene (yes this is a big one and yes i’m still only putting it as a special shoutout and yes it’s bc of the megstiel content this ep ok bye <3)

[mybrainproblems]

Self-indulgent and more realistic for a lasting happy ending fix-it fic entirely for me

There is the mirror of Dean raising Cas from the Empty after Jack opens a portal, the cost of doing this is Jack giving up godhood by releasing all of his power into the universe, though he does retain his power as a nephil. In releasing that power it restores the wings of the remaining angels and revives all of the angels who have died since s4 so we do get Anna, Uriel and our full complement of archangels back (Look. I miss Gabriel and I think Raphael was done dirty. Michael and Adam should get to be together. Maybe they put Lucifer in a ma'lak box.) Also Crowley is revived because I like Crowley and he deserved to have a redemption arc and a good ending. Probably some other demons are revived as well but mostly I just want Crowley back.

So Dean raises Cas and has a whole reciprocal confession but also they agree to take time apart to deal with their shit. This doesn't mean that they don't see each other at all, Cas just moves out and Jack goes with him. I like the idea of them going back to the town in Golden Time and basically having a shared custody arrangement where Jack spends some time with Dean and Sam but lives with Cas.

Dean gets into therapy but not with Mia though he does contact her and she refers him to another therapist who knows about the supernatural. I like to think there's actually a small community of therapists who are aware of the supernatural and all know each other. Most of them are supernatural creatures but some are humans with creature relatives/have some sort of experience with the supernatural but didn't decide to get all murder happy about it.

Cas doesn't get into therapy because what he's dealing with is on such a cosmic level that a human therapist wouldn't really be able to offer what he needs. I think he probably chills out with Anna, Metatron and Gabriel because they Get It but in different ways and they all sort of talk through their shit together like an angelic support group. Raphael and MichaelAdam probably join in occasionally too. Also Jack has made it so that angels can taste things and not just molecules so they're working their way through the "best of [food]" lists and do shit like fly from the PNW to some tiny restaurant in Ulaanbaatar to pick up food and bring it back for group.

let's fix everything below the cut!

Without Chuck there is a huge drop off in supernatural shit. Sam actually takes up the position as a leader within the hunter community and Dean ends up mostly retired, partially the result of very frequent therapy sessions. Thought: the therapist he is seeing is in Iowa and after a particularly brutal session about Winchester Codependency he ends up moving to be closer to his therapist/put space between him and Sam. Also Iowa conveniently puts him roughly center to Sam, Jody & Donna and Garth. (Jody and Donna don't get married but they do wear matching rings.)

Sam and Eileen also initially take some space where she is living in the actual town of Lebanon while Dean is still at the bunker and when he moves out, Sam moves in with Eileen a little while later. They have less shit to sort out but still I think would take it a little slow at first and Eileen's apartment is very much her apartment before Sam moves in. Maybe when they move in together they find a new place. Actually yeah definitely that.

Dean and Cas have essentially no contact outside of texting and occasional call for a month or two and see each other in person for the first time a week after Dean moves out of the bunker because Garth insists on having a housewarming party. Jack has been dropping by every other Saturday or something to do stereotypical Dad and Son things like fishing and learning to drive and fix Baby since moving out with Cas. They start doing family outings with the three of them like going to museum, botanical gardens, farmer's market etc. All stuff that's in totally neutral locations and just sort of rebuilding their relationship to be healthy and solid which takes like. A year of them building up to seeing each other more and talking out their shit (probably a couple of joint sessions the therapist is expecting to be on a more cosmic scale based on what Dean has said and it literally just ends up being couples' reconciliation counseling).

Anyway after like a year and change Dean ends up moving in with Cas and Jack and is able to go to weekly virtual sessions with his therapist and monthly in person. Maybe it is still weekly and Cas or Jack fly him over. At this point Dean is pretty much fully retired but does take up the Bobby-esque position of manning phones to verify fake aliases for hunters.

Literally just get Dean a shit ton of therapy and Cas needs the support of people who can understand at least pieces of what he's been through and validate him and to not have to be around for Dean working through his own shit. Give everyone room to grieve and grow into healthier people otherwise they're all going to drag each other down into the grave.

[mcrninqstar]

discord: it’s you. it’s always been you.

SUMMARY: Lucifer accidently sends Maze the wrong text leading her to believe her best friend is dead. He goes to her to clarify and they end up revealing more to each other than they anticipated.  TRIGGERS: Death Mentions, Daddy Issues, Mommy Issues WRITTEN WITH: @mazikeenofmurders

MAZIKEEN: She'd been in Hell, torturing Will when she got the update from Lucifer. Charlie's dead now. She'd seen a lot of people die in her lifetime. Most of the time it didn't bother her, but Charlie was her best friend. It was heartbreaking. Her chest felt restricted, and her eyes filled with tears. She wiped them away before anyone could see them. If Charlie had ended up in Hell, Maze should've been told, but no one came while she let out her anger on Will, which meant that she'd gone to heaven and that Maze wouldn't be able to see her again. She let Belphegor continue torturing Will on their own while she went back to her own place in Hell. She didn't tell Belphegor the news yet. They'd need to figure out how to break that down to them. They were already upset enough that she'd been hurt. Maze had diverted their sadness to anger, but handling her death would be harder. Maze remained stoic until she got home and saw a picture of Charlie, Lucifer, and herself in a frame on one of the walls. She picked it up and broke down into tears, clutching it to her chest as she laid down on her bed. Now she'd really never get Charlie to sleep with her and Lucifer. That made her cry more.

LUCIFER: "Well, that was bloody awful," Lucifer lamented as he appeared in Maze's home. He needed someone to complain to about this. He'd already tried calling Linda a couple times but she declined the calls on account that it was close to 2am now. "Maze?" he called out to her. She wasn't in the living room, but he could feel her presence about. He figured she must've gone to bed. Surely she wouldn't mind being woken up to some good news. Lucifer helped himself to the bar, pouring two glasses of champagne and placing them on a tray. He carried them into Maze's room like some sort of fancy butler. He expected to find her maybe in some sexy little number or maybe nothing at all. But what he hadn't expected was to find her crying. "Mazikeen..." he lowered the tray onto the nightstand beside her. "Why are you crying? I thought you'd be over the moon, honestly..." Becoming Death was one hell of a promotion, especially for a human reaper. Charlie had essentially ascended to an angelic form of being. It was unheard of for humans to do that. It was historic and spicy and no doubt causing Uriel to panic a little. Lucifer very much liked that idea. But Maze...he'd never seen her like this.

MAZIKEEN: She heard it distantly when someone came into her home. Sometimes the other demons tried to sneak into her place to fight her when she was off guard. She was never really off guard, but she could recognize Lucifer's presence. Archangels like him radiated power that was unmistakable, especially him. She didn't move when he called her name. She didn't want him to see her crying like this, but she couldn't stop. It hurt too much. Charlie had been too important to her. "I'm not crying," she insisted, even as her voice cracked and tears spilled down her face. The picture frame she'd been clutching left imprints on her arms as she sat up. She sniffled as she wiped at her face, but more tears kept coming. She looked at Lucifer with confusion. "Why would I be over the moon about this?" she asked. Why was he? What was good about any of this? "She's gone, Lucifer." She took in a breath trying to push back the tears, but it just distorted her face. Admitting that she was gone was hard. It was possibly one of the hardest things she ever had to do, and she dealt with Cuphegor all the time.

LUCIFER: "Right, of course," he nodded and sat down at her bed side. She was too crying but he wasn't going to call her out on it. He simply pulled out the handkerchief from his pocket square and held it out to her. He had no idea what brought this on. Maze normally loved when he sent people out to be tortured by her specifically. William especially had been a thorn at her side. What he'd done now warranted permanent death so naturally he figured Maze would be happy about that but she wasn't. She was crying about someone being gone. It didn't take long to realize she was talking about Charlie. "She's not gone," he replied, placing his hands on either side of her and rubbing down the length of her arms in a reassuring manner. "I mean, I don't really know where she's at right now specifically. She's kind of hiccupping in and out of afterlives and I'm not allowed entry into some of them because of politics. But she's very much alive...unalive...sort of dead?" he sighed trying to figure out how to explain it. "She's Death now." He didn't see what was so bad about that. Maybe it was because Maze couldn't hug her? "I mean, sure, it would be ill advised to touch her at the moment but you'll be able to give her a hug when she reigns her powers in a bit. Raphael said they'd help."

MAZIKEEN: She took the handkerchief he offered her and wiped the tears off her face, still not admitting that they were tears, not that he was insisting they were or anything. He hadn't argued her lie, and she appreciated it. She leaned against him as he rubbed her arms.  She thought he was giving her some spiel about how their afterlives didn't really mean they were gone or something. That wouldn't have made a difference to Mazikeen if she couldn't see Charlie herself, but that wasn't what he was talking about. She wasn't sure what he was talking about actually. "What do you mean she's alive? You texted me and told me she was dead." Her voice was raising angrily. She'd been so upset. "You made me think my best friend died!" She hit him in the chest as she spoke. "I was crying because I thought I lost her!" She spoke with a mixture of shouting and sobbing.

LUCIFER: "What do you mean? No I didn't," he defended as she shouted that he sent her a text saying Charlie was dead. He pulled out his phone to try to get a look at what he said but she started smacking him. He swatted her away briefly to take a peak and sure enough...he grimaced. Bloody autocorrect. "That was meant to say she's Death, not she's dead," he corrected, not that it mattered in hindsight. "I wouldn't break that kind of news to you over a text message, Maze," he tried to assure her calmly. "That's Levi levels of avoidance. I'd send a carrier pigeon at least." Perhaps it wasn't the best time for jokes but that was really the only way he knew how to work through the kind of day he had. It wasn't exactly easy having to run a death scythe into an old friend and hope for the best.

MAZIKEEN: "Yes, you did!" she snapped. She'd read over the text several times just to make sure she'd read it right because that news was so serious. It didn't make a difference to her now that it was a typo. If anything, she was more furious that he hadn't noticed the typo before he'd sent it, or even that he didn't see that it had changed once he had sent it. He could've corrected it immediately and saved her the heartbreak of thinking she'd lost her friend. "A carrier pigeon?!" she repeated angrily, not finding his jokes as funny as he did in the moment when she was still reeling from thinking her friend had died. She started hitting him. "You're so stupid! I can't believe I fell in love with you, you asshole! Who jokes about that?!"

LUCIFER: "In my defense a lot was going on," he lamented, still wanting to complain about the situation. "I wasn't exactly sipping Bacardi with Raphael up there." He might've put too much faith in his phone to get the message across. "I knew you were worried about Charlie's condition and I wanted to get the news to her ASAP. I had a million and one things I needed to do to secure the veil after everything happened and I wouldn't have had time to come down to hell until well...now. I didn't think it was fair for you to wait that long." He was trying to ease her nerves but thanks to his phone he'd done the opposite. He grimaced as soon as the pigeon joke left his lips and braced himself for another round of smacking. It didn't hurt and he let her carry on. It was best to just let Maze air out her frustrations rather than let them fester. He expected her to insult him. That was par for the course. But he hadn't expected her to say the other thing. He sat up a little straighter and held her firmly so that she would stop hitting him and look at him instead. "You don't...you can't...you don't mean that, do you?" he asked her in all seriousness.

MAZIKEEN: Realistically, she couldn't blame him too much for what had happened. All in all, it was a simple mistake, and anger was the main way she knew to release her emotions. She knew Lucifer  knew that, and there were ways she could make it up to him later when she wasn't emotional. She sighed. "I guess I do appreciate you trying to tell me as soon as possible, even if you did fuck it up." She really did appreciate that, considering how worried she'd been about Charlie. "So I really can't hug her though?" She was one of the people Maze actually liked to hug. Lucifer was also one of them, but him grabbing her took her by surprise. He probably just was getting annoyed with her constantly hitting him, but most of her anger had gotten out now. She sighed. "You are kinda an asshole sometimes, but I like it most of the time."

LUCIFER: "Well, someone will suffer for the ill conceived attempts of autocorrect," he assured her. It wasn't going to be him, but someone would. Surely there was probably a demon to blame for this. "Probably Sam," he offered, hoping that would lift her spirits some with another soul to torture. "Charlie managed to separate him and his evil twin. She dragged the parasitic one here. Not sure which kingdom but when we find him, he's all yours," he replied, still running his hand up and down her arm in a comforting gesture. "No, I'm afraid you can't hug her for now. She's deadly to everything except the Archangels now." Although Charlie was young by comparison, her ranking was up there with Cupid now that she was Death. Love and Death were fundamental forces in the balance of things. "But I'll give her extra hugs on your behalf," he replied. He didn't mind it one bit. Having to stab Charlie wasn't exactly pleasant and he wanted to ensure she was okay every step of the way. His features softened and his grip lightened when she remarked he was an asshole sometimes, but she enjoyed that about him. "That's not what I meant...I meant the other thing you said. The one about falling in love with me..." he clarified so that neither of them could be mistaken this time. "You don't mean that, do you?"

MAZIKEEN: "As they should." She nodded in agreement. She smiled brightly when Lucifer suggested that it would probably be Sam. She'd always wanted to torture him. "Is it my birthday again already?" she asked jokingly. She was a little disappointed that it wasn't both Sams that ended up in Hell, but she guessed that it was good for Charlie's happiness or something. "That's pretty hot," she remarked with a smirk. "It makes me want to try it anyway. I'll tell you what it feels like." She grinned. Lucifer couldn't have all the fun in being the only one of them to be able to hug Charlie. Her smile faltered when he clarified what he'd heard her say. "Ah," so she had actually said that then? She'd thought that part was just in her head, but it was hard to keep a cap on her thoughts when she was that upset. Her chest clenched up. She was trying to gauge his reaction to that before she said anything else, but it was hard to tell how he was feeling about it. The most she could tell was that he was uncertain, but she couldn't decipher if that uncertainty came from disgust at the idea, if he wanted it like she did, if his trauma from the curse just had him scared to trust it, or a combination of a few of those. She sat up straighter, holding herself higher to make sure this confession didn't make her look weaker in any way. If he didn't like it then fuck him anyways. "I do. I've been in love with you for a while now." She let out a breath of air. That was a weird thing she never really thought she'd let out, but it was out there now. She watched Lucifer carefully for his reaction, prepared to backtrack or defend herself if she needed to.

LUCIFER: He was glad to see her smile after the particularly awful news she thought he'd delivered. He knew he'd be paying for that for the next few weeks but for now at least the storm had passed and she knew Charlie was safe. "If your birthday occurred anytime that man nearly dies, you'd be aging at twice the rate," he pointed out. He really did feel for the Winchester's Guardian. That angel had to be doing overtime on most days. "Wear protection," he teased. "Safe hugging to prevent untimely death." Maze wore enough latex that it really shouldn't be a problem. Charlie was careful too. Lucifer had instructed her to go to Val in the meantime for pointers and perhaps a pair of sturdier gloves.

He swallowed back a bit of initial panic when she confirmed that he'd heard her correctly. His automatic thoughts and fears were that his curse was back. Why else would anyone love him? He projected outward confidence because he had to. It was expected of him as King of Hell to know what to do, or at least to look like he knew what he was doing. Maze knew better than most Lucifer had no idea what he was doing. He was a mess just trying his best. Truthfully, the curses had set him back quite a bit. He still struggled, wondering if any of the relationships and connections he'd made in his life were real. Chloe had left him long before the curse was broken and he couldn't blame her. But Maze stuck around. She'd been there before he discovered his curse and she was still there afterward. She'd been there through all of his milestone and all the trials life could've thrown his way. He couldn't have imagined doing any of this without her. In fact, he was certain he couldn't have done it without her. The duties of keeping Hell running and keeping his siblings both happy and alive stretched him thin. He needed a partner and Maze was the best one he could've ever asked for.

If she really did love him, then this was a blessing because as much as the feeling scared him, he loved her too. He hadn't realized how much she did for him until she'd disappeared to the other timeline. He'd been a mess then and so had hell. Since then, he tried to show her that he appreciated her more and more. He tried to do what he could to spend time with her because he didn't know how much time they had left. He realized some time ago if the void was going to take over, she'd be the person he'd want to be with in the end. He thought those feelings were just friendship, but he knew deep down it went deeper than that.

"Okay...." he took a deep breath. "Okay..." he ran his hands up and down her arms as a soothing gesture. "Mazikeen, you are one of the most important people to me. You're the first person I check in with in the mornings and the last one I see before I go to bed. You're..." You're the one person I can see myself spending an eternity with. Just say it Lucifer. Come on. "The last time I felt like this about someone, it turned out to not be real. How do we know any of this is real?" he questioned. It was an unfair question to place on her but he wanted to be upfront with his fears. He'd known Chloe for all of 4 years when she left. And her leaving left a hole in his belief in love. He'd known Maze for much longer. If this turned out to be a curse and if she left too...he wasn't sure where that would leave either of them.

MAZIKEEN: She laughed a little at his comment about Sam's deaths. "Even better. Maybe I can catch up to you, old man." It wasn't like they really aged anyways. Birthdays were an arbitrary thing they made up just for an excuse to celebrate. They were all too old to actually keep up with their ages, and even if they did, it just made them look so much better despite their ages. "Don't worry. My strap-on has a condom and everything." She grinned. She'd be careful enough, but the thought that her best friend could kill her with just a single touch was exciting and she wanted to see what it felt like. Hopefully, she wouldn't kill herself completely in the process. She wasn't actually suicidal like some people.

Her chest ached seeing that look on his face. As a demon, she considered it a skill of hers that she could recognize the fear in her victims, but Lucifer wasn't a victim. He was her closest friend and the person she was in love with. She usually knew him better than she knew herself most of the time, but she couldn't tell where that panic came from in the moment. Was he as scared of rejecting her as she was of being rejected? Or was he just as scared of allowing himself to love as she was. She knew that with his curse, he'd been hesitant of his relationships, romantic or otherwise. It was part of the reason she'd been so hesitant herself recently about talking about it (though it was mainly because of her own fear). The way he held onto her arms, rubbing them to reassure her, convinced her that this was a rejection, so she prepared herself for it.

She had to admit, he was setting up the rejection nicely. She imagined that he was going the route of asking if they could still be friends so they could still do all of those things. The last time I felt like this about someone... So he did feel the same way about her then, and his panic was about the curse. Even so, the doubt of whether this was real or not hurt. She knew his curse was broken. Cupid had confirmed that. Maze wasn't particularly great at dealing with her emotions, so the pain she felt at his doubt turned to anger. It wasn't rational anger, considering how valid his doubts were, but she was angry nevertheless. How dare he doubt her love?!

"I'm not Chloe," she snapped. "What, do you think that just because I was with her when Cupid broke your connection that it somehow transferred from her into me? Well, it didn't because I've been in love with you for a lot longer than that. I didn't fall in love with you because of a curse. I fell in love with you because unlike everyone else you were always there with me and for me from the day I met you. It wasn't some immediate infatuation. I don't do the love at first sight thing." She barely considered the love thing until she realized it was actually a possibility. "I don't just have the feeling that I love you. I know I love you because I consider the day you picked me to be your right hand one of the best moments of my life, and maybe kicking Azazel's ass made that day better too, but that's not the important part. You are. I like working for you. I like your dirty jokes because I have the same sense of humor. And your corny jokes are awful,  but occasionally I'll find myself making them too." She sounded annoyed as she said all of this, only angry that he didn't see it. She shouldn't have been surprised though considering that seemed to run in his family. "I know a lot of people think it's a little extra the way you will do whole musical numbers. I agree, but I fucking love it!"

He looked like he was about to say something, but she cut him off. "I'm not done yet! You wanted to know how I know that this is real, so you're going to hear it all! When I was younger, and practically everyone was doubting me for being your right hand, you didn't. You never doubted my capability to kick their asses and make them shut the fuck up. I fucking love the fact that even though you're an archangel, you trust me to handle myself and fight my own battles. I'd be pissed if you tried to, but I never had to worry about that with you. I never have to worry about most things with you because I trust you. Hell, even your problems I don't mind dealing with. You self-sabotage constantly, and so do I. You've got the the world's biggest daddy issues, and I've got the world's worst mommy issues. But we know how to deal with each other's issues. The drama in your family is exponential, but I don't ever want to stop dealing with it. It's honestly really entertaining, and don't you dare fucking tell them this, or anyone for that matter, but I started to care for them too. Some of them anyways. Just a tiny barely noticeable amount." She probably shouldn't have said that, but she kept going.

"When we came up here together at first and Chloe made you vulnerable, you have no idea how terrified I was. I am your right hand and your bodyguard. I don't usually have to protect you from much because you're an archangel, but there you were getting injured constantly just because you kept going near the thing that was making you vulnerable. I was honestly glad that it was a curse just because it meant that you could be safe again." Sure there were other things that could hurt him but not many. "I was just glad that I didn't have to worry about losing you."

She continued to list off more and more reasons to prove how she knew her love was her own and not from some curse. It spanned from centuries in the past all the way to the present, including the smallest details like the way he laughed when he was scared or  the way his hair looked after sex to more major details and events like the fact that she saw him when she looked at Asmodeus or how jealous she felt when she saw the other universe's Maze seeming to have everything with her Lucifer and how glad she was to come home to her own. It took her hours to get through everything, and it was well into the morning now. "And if that's not enough to convince you that this is real, I don't know what is," she huffed. "Cupid's been trying to get me to tell you for ages now, and she wouldn't do that if she had any doubts about my feelings for you being a curse. She might be a pain in the ass half the time, but I know you at least can count on her being genuine about love."

LUCIFER: "At the rate he dies, you'll likely catch up to Aamon or Michael at this point," he joked although he really hoped Sam would slow down a little for Charlie's sake. He chuckled when she replied that her strap-on had a condom. "A paragon of safe sex. I expect no less. I'm sure Charlie will appreciate the sentiment." If anything, Charlie would at least appreciate the jokes and the company. It had been a rough few hours for her. Those hours spanned days in hell. Days that Maze must've spent feeling anxious about her friend's wellbeing. No wonder she'd reacted so poorly to his faux pas.

He was hoping to make it up to her, but it was clear his hesitation was contributing to her anxiety. Being a demon from Aamon's kingdom, that anxiety naturally expressed itself with rage. He flinched as she snapped at him. He swallowed hard when she replied that she'd been in love with him for a lot longer than he'd been cursed. Maybe they'd looked at the curse all wrong then. Maybe it was there from the beginning. Maybe Chloe wasn't the original victim, but rather Mazikeen. The thought of that ached and hurt more than anything. She was his best advisor and his closest friend. The thought of their closeness potentially being driven by a curse was a hurt that threatened to tear his chest open, but continued to listen. It was best not to interrupt her when she was in one of these passionate rages.

His features softened and his panic started to drop off slightly as she started listing tangible things she liked about him. Love curses couldn't go that deep, could they? Cupid had told him even the strongest curses can only mimic a base and superficial love. What Maze was describing didn't feel superficial. She'd also said that real love felt different. It made you feel complete even when you felt like you were falling apart. Maze made him feel that way. She understood him in ways even those around him didn't seem to get.

She didn't try to change him or insist that he be someone else, someone more mature or someone she felt he needed to be in certain situations. She trusted his judgement even when he didn't trust himself necessarily. Apparently not everyone was the same way though. There were people out there that didn't like his musical numbers? He was about to open his mouth to retort, but she cut him off. He closed his mouth and patiently waited as she continued, a smile growing on his face.

Just as he'd been reminiscing about how she never doubted his abilities, it was clear she felt the same way about him never doubting her. He always knew that she was capable. His siblings might have been more powerful than her, but they always knew that Maze was an extension of Lucifer. She wasn't a subordinate, she was family to them. And it was clear Maze felt that they were her family too. That made Lucifer brighten considerably. He knew Maze didn't have a good relationship with her family and sometimes his own relationship with his family was rocky too. But she found her place among them and that was important to him.

She was as afraid of losing him as he was of losing her which was both terrifying and a relief. When she was off in the other timeline, he'd been a mess just thinking about it. It wasn't just the daunting task of finding another right hand if she never came back. It was the inexplicable pain of losing someone whom you couldn't imagine your life without. There was no one in this world or the next that could replace Maze.

"Mazikeen," he cupped her face as she finished, letting her take a few deep breaths to calm down. She looked like she needed a drink too. "I believe you," his voice was soft and gentle as he spoke. The previous panic that it carried was now gone. He really did believe her. He knew Maze well enough to know cursed or not, love was the last thing she wanted to admit to. It took guts to get this far and now it was time for him to show the same kind of bravery. "And I love you too," he smiled. "You make me a better person without trying to change a single thing about me. You listen to my fears and insecurities and you don't let them be the only voice inside my head. When shit hits the fan you are the only person I know I can count on. It's always been you," he replied as he leaned in and kissed her gently. "It's always going to be you."

MAZIKEEN: "He's really got issues if he's going that far." Maze could see the appeal of getting close to death. She liked pushing things that far all the time. Having sex with archangels who could easily end your existence provided a similar thrill, but Maze didn't actually want to die. "Yeah," Maze agreed. "Hopefully becoming death doesn't autocorrect her sense of humor." She was joking just to pick on Lucifer's mistake, but she was a little worried about how this change would affect Charlie. She didn't know everything about what becoming death entailed. She had always been closer to Charlie than Azrael, and Azrael wasn't very social. She hadn't talked much about what being Death was like either. Maze didn't know how much she could help Charlie, or how much any of them could.

She looked at Lucifer angrily as he cupped her face, waiting for him to make fun of her or say that her explanations weren't enough to prove that this was real even though she knew it was. Her expression softened when he said he believed her. "You do?" She asked, relaxing into him now. He'd gone through so much lately that she really didn't expect him to take her at her word. "You do?" She asked again as he told her he loved her too. She felt warmer, and she was smiling brightly. She didn't think she'd been in love before him, and just getting that confirmation was such a relief. She felt lighter and happier. She looked at him in awe as he explained just what made him love her too. "I don't need to change anything about you," she said in defense of him, but she couldn't counter the rest of it. She deepened the kiss. Her hands moved into his hair, pulling on some of the strands, but this kiss was different than their usual make-out sessions. It wasn't just from lust, though she was feeling hornier now. Adding an emotional extension to kissing someone was . . . Interesting to say the least. She might've loved him before, but loving him and knowing he loved her had the most thrill she'd ever known. Cupid could never be told that. She'd never hear the end of how right Cupid was, but this was something Mazikeen had needed to do on her own anyways. Maze smirked as they pulled out of the kiss. "If it's always going to be me, do we need to discuss anything else, or are you going to get me out of these clothes?"

LUCIFER: "There's minor death kinks and then there's whatever Sam's got," he chuckled. He would pass off Linda's number to Sam and maybe even introduce them. She'd get a kick out of an interdimensional client and Sam could really use the help after all of this. He groaned at the joke Maze made about Charlie's humor getting autocorrected. If course she wasn't going to let him live it down. Despite her ribbing at him, he knew there was some truth hidden in her jokes. She was afraid that this whole transition to becoming Death would change Charlie. "She's a little overwhelmed right now, but still Charlie. It's like the second Frozen movie where Elsa transitions into the fifth natural force," he giggled to himself. "You know, that sort of makes you Anna. I've seen dark before..." he sang through his giggles, ducking away before she could smack him.

"I do," he nodded. "It doesn't mean I'm any less scared about it or that I even know what I'm doing, but I believe you and I love you," he assured her. Admitting it out loud again felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulder. The more times he said it out loud, the more sure of himself he felt. He did love her. This wasn't the curse talking, this was him. He smiled when she replied that she didn't need to change him. He'd gone a good portion of his life thinking there was something wrong with him. He didn't fit the mold his Father intended for him. He never accepted him for who he was and simply wanted to beat him down until he was a perfect soldier like Michael. But Maze never tried to change him. She never made him feel like he was built wrong or that he was too soft, too hard, or too much for the role placed on his shoulders.

As she deepened the kiss, he pressed her against the wall, wanting to feel every inch of her. Having aired out how he felt, and having her accept it and feel the same was exhilarating and quite frankly more of a turn on than anything else he'd ever experienced before. He could hardly focus as she pulled away. "Well," he smirked, trailing kisses down her neck as his hands explored her body. "I do have some making up to do for my previous faux pas." He gripped her tightly and picked her up before plopping her down onto the bed. "You know what they say, no time line the present," he smirked, dipping down to kiss her again.

[theexecutionerssong]

Hello, darling! I wanted to say thank you for reblogging that Destiel fic "Ninety One Whiskey" yesterday because it made me read it and I absolutely love it! So I was just wondering if you have any other recommendations? This was my very first Destiel fanfiction, I've never read anything from SPN fandom before so I'm very unware of those tresures out there! :)

ahhhh you have no idea how happy that makes me! here are a few of my favorites that I’m copy pasting from my old fic rec page. Most are a few years old, I’ve got way more and some more recent ones too if you’d rather. They are all deancas centered. If they aren’t online anymore then let me know and I can send you the file as I’ve got over 3000 saved lmao also I LIVE AND BREATHE for angst, if I don’t cry my eyes out at some point then what’s the point sdfghjk you’ve been warned

‘Til the Last by miss_grey (American Civil War AU, my fav ever, probably)

When the war came, Dean Winchester was determined that he was not going to get involved. He had more important things to worry about than some rich man’s fight. He had work on the farm and he had taking care of his family. Nothing else was worth his worry. But in August in the Year of Our Lord 1863, when the soldiers came knocking, they weren’t asking. They dragged Dean away.

Dean and Cas have been best friends since they were kids. When Dean is drafted into the Confederate army, to what lengths will Castiel go to ensure that Dean makes it back home alive?

Exonerated by thecouchcarrot (thriller AU)

Years ago, Dean Winchester was the detective who put serial killer Castiel Goodwin behind bars. Last spring, Cas was proven innocent and his conviction overturned. Neither could’ve predicted the way their lives would intertwine…

Lost Souls by thelastknownwriter (thriller AU)

Homicide detective Dean Winchester is thrust into a past he has tried hard to forget when he finds himself leading a manhunt for an unlikely killer: his childhood best friend, Castiel.

Painted Angels by WinJennster (human AU, so much damn angst but damn it’s worth it)

Author Castiel Novak has finally hit the big time, with a book based on his failed college relationship with a brilliant painter. He’s put all his pain behind him, but at a book signing, he comes face to face with Dean Winchester for the first time in twelve years, and the reunion doesn’t go like Cas hoped. Dean’s a broken man, with a lot of scars and secrets, shoulders weighed down by his demons and self loathing.Cas sees a second chance with the man he’s never stopped loving, but Dean’s moved on, and is about to get married. Sam launches a “brilliant” plan to reunite his brother and his best friend, but Cas is worried it will all blow up in their faces, and he’ll go through the agony of losing Dean a second time.Out of the Deep by riseofthefallenone (merman AU)

Stay away from the light-beds. Stay in the deep.It is the first thing hatchlings are taught the moment their fans unfurl and they can swim without their parents to buoy them along. It is the first rule, the first law. It is the beginning of every boogey-monster bedtime story told when they settle against the cliffs to sleep.Castiel should have listened better. 

To Raise A King by riseofthefallenone (medieval/royalty AU)

This must be some kind of horrible joke at Castiel’s expense. Is he truly expected to protect a King? One who has been their enemy for as long as he can remember? He is much more suited to being a part of the army, or at the very least someone who helps to train the knights. That would be far more preferred than having to watch over the King. It means Castiel would get to keep fighting – and that’s the only way he knows to give meaning to his life.

Tramps Like Us by mkhunterz (human AU)

Dean Winchester’s life is falling apart. He’s lost his job, his apartment, and his brother, all in one day. He seems to break everything he touches. Frustrated and alone, he drives off into the night with no idea where he’s headed. But then he meets Castiel Novak, a quiet and reclusive man with a haunted past, and suddenly he finds himself with a very specific destination in mind.

Kiss You When It’s Dangerous by zoemathemata (thriller canon divergent AU)

When his partner Uriel, betrays him, Federal Agent Castiel Novak is saved from becoming a ritual sacrifice by brothers Dean and Sam Winchester. Discovering the world of the supernatural and learning about werewolves, wendigoes, vampires and things that go bump in the night also leads to learning more about Dean and the strange life he and his brother lead. The more he learns, the more Castiel finds himself drawn into Dean’s world and toward Dean himself.

Until Uriel wants to complete the ritual he started.

Pick It All Up by thepinupchemist (human AU)

Army veteran Castiel Novak is a wreck after his tour in Afghanistan, brought home to his brother’s apartment in Lawrence, Kansas with scars both mental and physical. He copes poorly, and during one night of bad decision making, meets somebody just as much of a disaster as he is – a prostitute named Dean Winchester. And suddenly, two damaged men might not be as irreparable as they believed.

The Bird That Feels The Light by ratgerastory (canon, no romance, Dean is a 5 year old but it’s the first I read almost 10 years ago and one of my favorites ever)

AU from 5.18 (or thereabouts). Castiel awakens in the middle of a smoking crater, stranded and very much human. According to the people who have discovered him, it’s six months to the day after Michael and Lucifer faced off on the field of battle outside of Detroit, and Castiel isn’t the only one to have returned. When, at his insistence, they take him to this other person, he finds a child –a little boy– and realizes that, contrary to all his expectations, he has been reunited with Dean Winchester. The world has changed in their absence, and not for the better. Sam is gone, whether dead or simply missing is uncertain. Castiel is given the name of a man in Idaho who may have answers for him. He is faced with the task of travelling cross-country with Dean, who is dependent on him now in ways he never was before, in order to discover the truth. But along the way, as he and Dean learn to know and trust each other once more, Castiel begins to realize that the answers he thought he wanted might not be the ones he needs. 

the inexhaustible silence of houses by Askance (canon, I adored it but it left me in pieces, it took me weeks to get over it)

Almost two years after the world doesn’t end, Castiel falls from grace—and loses his voice in the process. It is the impetus for confession and change; before long, he is settling into a loving relationship with Dean, the Winchesters are tired, and hunting for a place to land has taken precedence to hunting anything else. Dean and Castiel fall in love with the strange little house on the end of Swallowtail Drive, and for a little while life is as it should be—sweet, affectionate, and beginning afresh. But more and more Castiel sees and hears things in the house that beg the question of whether or not a place itself can be alive. The walls and rooms seem to shift and grow and breathe, and one night, Dean comes home from a hunt changed in a way that Castiel cannot explain. In the months that follow, their domestic bliss takes turns for the dark and sour, and the confusion of their circumstances will ultimately test everything Castiel knows about the man he loves, and everything he believes to be true.

Last Man Standing by cerulea (canon, purgatory!verse)

Picking up exactly where we left off at the end of Season 7, Cas and Dean are stranded together in Purgatory struggling both to save their lives and their friendship amidst constant peril.

After The Fire by Themista (canon, end!verse)

Starting in 2013 and going through 2014 this is the story of Dean and Cas in their ill-fated quest to find the colt and shoot the devil - set in the endverse alternate reality seen in 5x04 The End. The apocalypse poses Dean and Cas many threats along the way, as they have to contend with the croats and Lucifer’s demons, led by Meg, all while trying to work out whether they can trust the infamously devious demon Crowley, with whom they already have a bloody history.

Twist and Shout by standbyme and gabriel (human 60-70s AU) (I don’t care how divisive and unpopular recommanding this one is, I was skeptical going in but it’s been years and I still have to skip Can’t Help Falling In Love and Twist and Shout when they come on shuffle in my playlists, that fic destroyed me))

What begins as a transforming love between Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak in the summer of 1965 quickly derails into something far more tumultuous when Dean is drafted in the Vietnam War. Though the two both voice their relationship is one where saying goodbye is never a real truth, their story becomes fraught with the tragedy of circumstance. In an era where homosexuality was especially vulnerable, Twist and Shout is the story of the love transcending time, returning over and over in its many forms, as faithful as the sea.

I also read ABO fics but I don’t know if you’re into that so I’m not including any in this list ^^ enjoy, let me know if you find something you like!

[themoonandotherslikeit]

The Daughter of a Righteous Man- Chapter 23

*SEQUEL TO THE LOOK IN HER EYES*

After her husband is drug to Hell, Ava Winchester and her brother in law Sam try their best to do right by Dean and raise her daughter, only to find that good intentions aren’t always enough. Loving someone isnt always enough.

Chapter Twenty-Three, My Heart Beats for You

Ava

Present

"Dean," I whispered, holding his hand. They'd put him in a medically induced coma. He was beaten so badly this week that he had swelling on his brain, but they assured me he would be awake soon. Castiel had wooshed into the cabin and told Sam and I what happened. I wasn't happy, to say the least. I'd been at the hospital for the last eleven hours. He was supposed to be waking up within the next hour. They'd need to wean him off the medication, and then he should wake up. Should.

"Hey," Sam said, poking his head into the room. "Look who came to visit."

He walked in holding Nel against his chest. I couldn't help it, I started to sob. I stood up and took my baby in my arms. "Hey little one. Daddy is going to be okay." She reached up and touched my wet cheek with her pudgy little fingers, as if she was comforting me.

"He will," Sam promised, wiping my tears.

"We shouldn't have left." I sniffled, rocking Nel in my arms. She tugged on my hair, but I barely noticed. 

"From what it sounded like, it wouldn't have made a difference. They took him."

"Fucking angels.." My eyes perked up as I saw the familiar beige trench coat in the corner of my eye. "Castiel," I growled.

"How is his condition?" The angel asked flatly.

"Can we talk outside?" I asked with my jaw tight.

He nodded quickly, and I looked to Sam, signaling him to stay by Deans side.

I pulled Castiel into the hallway and shut the door behind me.

"You need to heal him," I said insistently. "Now."

"It isn't that simple, Ava."

"Bullshit. He is hurt because of you. He didn't ask for this."

"I know. Dean’s fate is out of my control."

"Do I get an express trip to Hell if I bitch slap an angel?"

Castiel frowned. "Dean is a good man. This was not my choice. I did not want to involve him."

"Then why did you?"

"It wasn't my call."

I pursed my lips and looked at my daughter that was sucking on her hands. "Do you see her?" I asked, turning her out so he could see her face. "I am grateful to you, Castiel. You brought my husband back. Now our daughter gets to know her father. I will never be able to thank you enough for that, but don't you dare tell me you brought him back just to dangle him in front of me, and let him die now." I freely let my tears escape my cheeks.

"He is a wonderful man," I continued. "He deserves to know his daughter."

Castiel winced at my words. Maybe he was more human than I gave him credit for.

"Please help him," I begged. 

His eyes flickered to mine. "It is not ethical for me to heal all of his injuries."

"But?"

"But I will take care of the serious ones. It was Uriel that allowed him to be injured. I will take responsibility for that oversight."

Cas started to walk into the room. I grabbed his coat sleeve. "Cas, listen to me. I know all about fate. I know about people expecting things from you," I said low, just to him. "So does Dean. You can think for yourself, you know. The moment you start doing what you want to do, that's when you can be a honorable man, and honor means a lot to my husband. There isn't much he won't do for those he considers family, for those who fight alongside us." I let go of his sleeve, but he still seemed frozen in place. "Just something to mull on."

I walked back into the room, following Cas. He walked to Dean, and slowly pressed his palm to Deans forehead.

"What is..." Sam began.

I reached for his hand, to silence him.

Castiel closed his eyes and a warm light came out of his palm. The monitors attached to Dean seemed to even out. The beeps beam more methodic and less strained. He removed his hand, and I let out a sob of relief as Deans eyes slowly fluttered open.

I let go of Sam's hand and hurried to his side.

"Ave?" He asked, sounding pretty drowsy.

"It's me," I said gently. Nel reached for him with her fat fist and he smiled, taking her small hand in his.

“There's my girls."

I heard Sam and Cas leave, but I didn't see them. I couldn't take my eyes off of Dean. He was okay. "You're such a drama queen," I said, blinking away tears. "Always have to be the center of attention.."

"You know me." He smiled easily. Guess his jaw was fixed, too. "Hey,” he murmured wiping a tear from my cheek. "Don't cry, sweetheart."

"I'm just happy you're okay. We both are."

He leaned forward and kissed Nels face, and then paused. "You're back."

"I'm back back.” I put my hand in his. "There's no one else for me, Dean. My heart beats for you," I said, accepting how lame it sounded.

"You just sayin that because I'm hurt?"

"Cas healed you," I said with a smile. "You're not that hurt."

He frowned and sat up slowly. "He did what?"

"He healed you. He said he couldn't heal you completely, because the angels would be angry... but yeah. He saved your life."

"At what cost?"

"Honor." I smiled a bit.

"Honor?"

"Need to get your ears checked?"

"Maybe." He smiled, and opened his arms. "Come 'ere."

I crawled into his arms, and Nel and I laid against his chest, between his legs.

"You sure you picked the right Winchester?"

"There was never any choice," I murmured against his chest. "From that first day in the bar we were supposed to be together. Look at our family, Dean." I gestured to the baby that had fallen asleep in our arms. "She is all the proof I need." I kissed his chest, over his heart. "The fact that you're here, is all the proof I need. Sam is my best friend. That's it. That's all it ever was. All it ever will be."

He smiled and leaned down to capture my lips in his. I smiled against his lips, feeling the warmth of his chapped lips against mine. He tasted like hospital, but when his tongue touched mine I felt a shock I run through me. We were alive, and we were together. Maybe the world would burn down around us, but when the three of us were curled together like this, I felt invincible. Nothing else mattered.

Ella

About 16 years later

"I have a surprise for you," Claire said, leaning against the doorway to my room.

"Oh?" I looked up from my book I was reading. I was laying on my stomach with my feet in the air.

"Yup,” she said walking to me. She crouched in front of me and held out a rose corsage.

"What the fuck, Claire?" I grabbed it from her and stumbled to sit up. "What is this?"

"It's a corsage." She blinked her beautiful blue eyes at me like duh.

"I know, but why?"

"Well, homecoming is coming up..."

I scooted to the end of the bed and took her hands in mine. "Claire Novak I told you I don't want to go to stupid homecoming. I don't need to wear a dress and be all vapid and take photos and dance. It's all so... pointless."

"Babe,” she said with a mischievous grin. "Do you think I don't know you at all?"

"Is that a trick question?" I asked, eyeing her.

"Yes." Claire grinned. "We aren't going to homecoming."

"Thank god. Then why did you get me the flower?"

"Because, I convinced the Three Stooges that although you don't want to go to homecoming, you'd like to have some kind of homecoming. I asked if they could make themselves scarce so we could have homecoming alone in the bunker. They're surprisingly romantic." She grinned.

I eyed her. "So what? We are going to spend the whole night in bed?"

"I thought we would actually ransack the bunker for clues about your mom." She wrapped her arms around my waist, leaning in to kiss my neck. "But if you'd rather stay in bed, I could get behind that plan."

"Claire!" I grinned, tackling her on the bed. I pinned her arms down. "This is the best thing I've ever heard. You're a genius."

"Yes I am." She grinned widely. "Now kiss me, Winchester."

"Yes, mam." I leaned in and pressed my lips to hers.

"Now the only bad news is, they're decorating," Claire said gently when we finally pulled away for some air. "So we may actually have to get dressed so they can take our pictures."

"I thought the perks of not having a mom would be not having to do all the embarrassing pictures."

"The three of them are so much worse than a mom," Claire said, squeezing my hand. "But they love you, so I'm not mad about it."

I rolled my eyes, but I couldn't help smiling. She was right. "What am I supposed to wear to a bunker homecoming dance?"

"This," Claire said, walking into the closet and pulling out a dress that she must've stashed earlier in the week. It was green and made of tulle. The back was low and the top was a deep v.

I raised my eyebrow. "Did you pick that out?"

"I can appreciate the finer things," Claire said, pretending to be offended. "You look beautiful in green."

I rolled my eyes and smiled. "What about you?"

"Don't worry about me."

"I swear, Claire Novak, if you show up wearing jeans and a T-shirt I am coming for you."

"Promise you'll come for me?" She grinned tossing the dress on the bed before wrapping her arms around me.

I rolled my eyes, but my smile was growing on my cheeks. "Later," I promised giving her a quick kiss. "Let's get ready so we can kick them out."

"Deal," Claire said, making her way to her bedroom. She had her own room, but she spent all of her time in mine. Dad was just happy she couldn't get me pregnant, so I don't think it really bothered him. From all the stories I hear about him, he shouldn't be the romantic he is. He should be a player, but I see him differently.

I sat in front of my vanity and plugged in my curling iron. I barley ever did my hair and makeup, it seemed pointless to waste time on something so shallow. People found Claire and I so odd. We were opposites. I was a nerd and she was a badass. She liked dark makeup and cool edgy braids. I barely did anything to my appearance. She had the classic biker, badass clothes and I wore sweaters and nerdy T-shirt's exclusively. We didn't make sense to the world, but we made sense to each other.

I wasn't going to go crazy with the makeup, but Claire was doing a really amazing thing for me. I wanted to look nice for her. I put on my foundation, which was starting to dry out from lack of use, and I thought about my Mom.

I wondered if she liked dances when she was young, or if she thought they were lame. I put the nude lipstick on and fluffed my eyelashes with mascara. I looked like a different person. I looked kind of pretty.

I twisted my hair in the iron, burning my fingers. "Fuck." I shook my hand.

"Hey sailor," Dad said, poking his head in.

"Hey Dad. Sorry for the F bomb."

"You are my kid." He shrugged.

"Thanks for letting us have the place. It's really cool."

"You deserve it. You work really hard."

I turned and looked at him, deciding to test the water. "Sometimes I wish mom was here for this stuff."

"Me too,” he said, his jaw tight. "She never wanted you to grow up without her. She grew up without her mom just like me, and it was really hard for her."

I met his eyes. He was in pain. "Can you curl the back?"

"Sure,” he said relieved of the subject change.

He always did my hair when I was little. He would braid it, and when I got older he learned the hot tools. He effortlessly fixed the part of my hair I couldn't reach. "I'm going to put a braid in,” he said, focusing. "I think it'll look nice."

I shrugged, and he braided my hair back. He showed me in the mirror and I grinned. "If hunting doesn't work out you should be a hair dresser."

He grunted, as he turned for the door. "Yeah, you're welcome."

"Dad," I said grabbing his hand.

"Huh? Yeah?" He turned to me.

"I don't mean to hurt you by bringing her up. You know that, right? I wish she was here, but it isn't because you aren't enough."

His eyes softened and he smiled. "I know, El." He leaned down and kissed my head. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do tonight."

"You got it." I winked at him.

I got into my dress and made my way out into the dinning room that was transformed. My three Dads really missed their calling. They should start a party planning business. They strung Christmas lights around to make the whole room sparkle, and there were clear and black balloons littering the ground. Music was playing over the speakers, and to my surprise it wasn't classic rock. I raised an eyebrow at Dad and he gestured to Sam.

My eyes finally landed on the most spectacular thing in the room. Claire. Her hair was down and rolling in flawless curls down her back. She had let out her braids and it made her whole expression a lot softer. Her lips were red as she smiled widely at me. Her dress was tight, short, and black. She was wearing heels. "Wow." We both gasped at the same time.

I walked to her and took her hands. "My girlfriend is hot." I grinned.

"So is mine." She squeezed my hands.

We leaned in and kissed and Cas applauded. "Young love is very nice."

We turned to him and busted up laughing.

"What?"

"Nothing," I said with a smile. "Nothing at all."

"Get together," Dad said, holding out his phone to take a photo.

We put our arms around each other and he took a few. "You look great." He smiled out of the corner of his mouth. "Novak, take care of my girl."

"Always, old man." She smiled.

He frowned, looking annoyed. "I am not old,” he grumbled.

"Alright," Sam said, picking up his duffle bag. "We are checking out a haunting in Iowa, so we should be back tomorrow. We will be in touch if it's longer."

I studied the men. A haunting. I wondered if they were lying. If they were really finding a solution for Micheal. I hoped they were.

"Sounds good," I said forcing a smile. I walked to Dad and wrapped my arms around his middle. "Be safe," I breathed.

When I was a kid it was so hard watching him go. I would cry and scream.

"Hey, kiddo. You're okay. Dad will be back."

"But the monsters..."

"Monsters are scared of Daddy. I am a monster hunter." He poked my nose. "Don't you worry, kiddo. I'll always come home to you."

"Always?"

"You got it."

"You got it." He smiled, kissing the top of my head.

We watched them go and with the click of the door I met Claire's eyes. "Operation Mom is a go."

Claire kicked off her heels. "Wanna see the best part of this dress?" She said, eyeing mine.

"Yeah."

She grabbed the waist and pulled out a string and with a tug the skirt came off, and I stood in a green satin romper. "This is awesome." I grinned. I felt the legs of the romper, but I figured it was just modest.

"I know my girl,” she said, placing a kiss on my lips. "Now lets do this shit."

Claire found the blueprints for the bunker in a desk in the corner. "Now, if I was Dean Winchester and I wanted to hide something...where would I do it?"

"Well, its not under his pillow or mattress. I already checked," I said, chewing on the inside of my cheek.

"What's this?" Claire asked pointing to a door at the end of a hallway. The hallway Dad's room was in. "Isn't this a dead end?"

My eyes flickered to hers. "Yeah, it is."

Claire grabbed her knife and we made our way to the hallway. I knocked on the wall, listening intently. There was an echo. "It's hollow."

Claire ran her fingers along the wall until she found the groove. She jimmied her knife into the edge and it swung open. "Secret passageway,” she mused. "Just when I thought this place couldn't get any cooler."

It lead to a set of stairs that we descended. It was dark, but as we passed by the lights flickered to life. It was just a set of boxes in a big empty room. I walked to them crouching, and sure enough, we found the fucking jackpot. "Claire look," I said, blowing dust off a framed photograph. It was of my parents on a beach. They were kissing. My dad looked so young it made my heart squeeze. "I think this is there wedding." I ran my fingers over the picture. Uncle Sam was in the background, and he was grinning widely and clapping. The photo seemed like it could be from another life. I guess it was.

"They look really happy Ella," Claire said gently. "I can't believe that Dean Winchester is on a beach." She squinted at the photo. 

"Right?" I smiled, touching his cheek on the photo. "He loved her, didn't he?"

"I think he did," Claire said with a nod.

I sat down the photo, and dug back into the box. There were photos all throughout the box. Some of me as a baby, one from the hospital when I was born. I squinted, pulling them out one by one. Uncle Sam sat behind my mom, his arms around her. She held me in her arms. She looked like she was crying. Maybe Dad was behind her?

"What'd you find?" Claire asked, raising her eyebrows.

I handed her the photo. "Do you think Dad took this photo?"

She frowned and looked over the photo.

"It's weird right?" I questioned, looking over her shoulder.

"Yeah," Claire admitted. "It is kind of weird."

I reached into the box and pulled out a folded piece of paper. I unfolded it to find a letter written in what I had to assume was my moms handwriting.

Dear baby,

Your dad asked me to marry him today. He's an idiot. He made a choice for us without consulting me, but don't worry we aren't fighting about it. I know he did it for the greater good. He saved us, you and me. He traded his life for ours, and I will make sure throughout your life that it wasn't made in vain. We will make him proud.

I've talked about him a bit to you, but let me tell you in a little more detail, since you won't get to meet him.

He is strong. You can tell physically by looking at him, but it is so much more than bronze. I've seen him make hard choices, impossible ones. When he isn't looking at me it's like he's seeing into his past, but he doesn't let it break him.

He is funny. He has these annoying one liners. Sometimes they're a little hit or miss, but the thing is that your Dad is funny. Even when his jokes aren't, he gets this proud look on his face. He laughs at himself, and that's a skill everyone needs to survive in this world.

He loves his damn car. I promise that I will keep it around so when you learn to drive you can learn on that same 67 Chevy Impala, just like he would want. It was your Grandpas and then it was your Dads. He loves that car.

He has the biggest heart of anyone I've ever seen. I can see it when he looks at me. He would die for us, and for Uncle Sam. He puts himself on the line every day to protect the innocent. He is a hero.

So, maybe you're wondering why I didn't marry him. Why I said no. Why I said he's an idiot.

Well, he is.

He thinks a ring can erase what's to come. I wish I could protect you from the darkness, baby, but you are a Winchester. So I have a feeling darkness will always come for us. There is some coming already. By the time you read this that will be passed. You will be big, and strong just like your Dad.

A ring is just a circle. A wedding is just a party. It doesn't define anything. It doesn't put a price on how much I love him. It doesn't make any of this any easier. It won't bring him back to us.

I always want you to know, that even if we can't see him, your Dad is always with us. I carry him with me, in my heart, where I will also carry you. I want you to know that I love him. I always have, and I always will.

I ran my fingers over the smudge on the word define. "Claire," I whispered. "There's something going on." Why wouldn't I have met him? What the fuck is going on? I showed Claire the letter and she frowned. "He's been lying to me. She didn't think he was going to make it. What do you think she meant by trading his life for ours?"

"She said she wasn't going to marry him," Claire said slowly. "But we know she did." She reached into the box and pulled something out. She opened her fist to show me a ring in it. I took it out of her hand. A pair shaped diamond.

"She said he wasn't going to be here when I grew up, but he's here and she's not. She said she wasn't going to marry him... then she did. What changed?" I asked, rolling the ring in my hand. "I know it hurts him when I ask about her. I know he doesn't like it... But I can't do this shit anymore, Claire. I have to know what happened. Something changed after she wrote this. I have to know."

"You deserve to know," Claire said, putting a hand on my shoulder.

I met her eyes. "I'm so worried about him, Claire. What if this ruins our relationship? He obviously doesn't want to talk about it for a reason..."

"He loves you. There's nothing you can do to ruin your relationship," Claire said, looking a little annoyed. "You're his kid, Ella. It's not up to you to worry about his feelings. He shouldn't keep your mom from you. It's selfish. You have what you need, and when he comes back you need to talk to him. It's time that you get the answers you need."

Dean

About 16 years later

"El we're back!" I said, walking in the door. I rubbed my head, I could feel Michael pushing against my skull, begging to get out. I shook my head. "El?" I walked back to her room.

"Hey kid," I said, poking my head into the room. I stopped in my tracks. She sat crisscrossed in the middle of her bed. She was surrounded by papers and photography. She was wearing Ava's favorite sweatshirt.

I swallowed hard.

"Dad we need to talk,” she said looking up at me.

I knew her whole life that eventually she would ask about her mom. That I would have to tell her everything, I just kind of hoped I'd be on my death bed when it happened.

She held out a piece of paper, and I walked to her, taking the paper from her. It was the letter from the night that I asked her to marry me. The night she agreed to be my wife. I blinked away a tear that threatened to escape me.

"Dad what is this? I deserve to know. I can't take anymore lies from you."

I looked at my daughter. She was the spitting image of Ava. I couldn't help but smile. "Okay," I sighed. "Truth?"

"Truth."

—————

Chapter Twenty-Four, No One Ever Told You 

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On the Side of the Angels Chapter 7

TITLE: On the Side of the Angels Chapter 7 PAIRING: (Castiel/Celeste) RATING: T CHAPTER: 7/? SUMMARY: Celeste, the daughter of a fallen angel and mortal. Ever since she was born, the angels were given orders to protect her, specifically Castiel and Gabriel. When she was 16, she was in a horrific car accident, which Castiel saved her from. When Castiel comes back to Earth, she’s in his thoughts 24/7. This poses a problem for him. How can he love her and still follow orders?

“Celeste!” Gabriel yelled, “Guess what day it is!”

Celeste shot up in bed and grabbed her phone. It was Halloween!

Halloween was her favorite holiday next to Christmas. This Halloween marked the second year without Castiel.

Gabriel came into her room, all six white wings on display. “Happy Halloween, sweetheart. So…what shall we be this year? A witch? A vampire?”

Celeste shook her head and snapped her fingers.

Gabriel smiled. “An angel. Of course”, he said, playfully rolling his eyes.

Celeste released her black wings and folded them close to her back. It was the one day of the year where she didn’t have to keep them hidden, because most people just thought they were part of her costume.

“Any good parties around town?” Gabriel asked her.

This time Celeste rolled her eyes. “Gabe, we live in the middle of nowhere”.

“Well, we could always go somewhere”.

“Oh!”

“So, where do you feel like going?”

“Let’s go to New Orleans”.

“City of Vampires and Ghosts”.

“Gabe…just do me a favor tonight”.

“Anything, sweetheart”.

“No smiting tonight? I don’t want you to be Gabriel the Archangel. I just want you to be my best friend who’s going out to party with me”.

Gabriel nodded and kissed her forehead. “You have my word”.

After talking to Sam and Dean, Castiel and Uriel went to the park to wait for them to defeat the witch.

Castiel stood while Uriel sat on the park bench. “The decision’s been made”, Castiel told Uriel.

Uriel laughed. “By a mud monkey”.

“You shouldn’t call them that”.

“Oh, that’s what they are. Even your abomination”.

Castiel could feel his feathers shaking in anger at that comment.

“Savages, just plumbing on two legs”, Uriel said.

“You’re close to blasphemy”.

Uriel sighed.

“There’s a reason we were sent to save him”, Castiel said, “Just like there’s a reason for her existence”.

Uriel rolled his eyes.

“He has potential. He may succeed here”. He sat down next to Uriel on the bench. “At any rate, it’s out of our hands”.

“It doesn’t have to be”.

“And what would you suggest?”

“That we drag Dean Winchester out of here, then we blow this insignificant pinprick off the map”.

“You know our true orders. Are you prepared to disobey?” Castiel looked out across the park, watching as the children skipped along in their Halloween costumes as his mind once again drifted to Celeste.

Celeste was 6 years old when she started dressing as angel. “Cas, check out my costume!” she said. She came out of the bathroom in an angel costume, only she was dressed like Castiel with black wings. “I’m you”.

Castiel just looked at her and then back at Gabriel.

“She insisted”, Gabriel said, “Who was I to say no to this cute face?”

Castiel shook his head.

When she turned 16, her costume changed.

This time it was skimpy, like most teenage costumes. The dress was sheer white with fur around the bottom and the cuffs and it was styled to look like a nightdress. On her feet was a pair of strappy white heels. On her back was a pair of fluffy white wings and on her head she wore a halo.

“You look beautiful sweetheart”, Gabriel said.

“Thank you Gabe”. She went down the stairs and met Castiel in the living room.

He looked at her.

“Well? What do you think?” Celeste asked him.

Castiel said nothing.

“Okay whatever. Do you mind zapping us to the party?”

Castiel grabbed her arm and teleported them to the house where the party as being held. “I can’t. This place…” he said.

“Yeah yeah I know. ‘Bed of sin’ and all. I promise not to drink. Pick me up at midnight”. Celeste placed her hands on his chest and leaned up to place a kiss on the underside of his jaw. She turned around and Castiel couldn’t help but notice how her hips swung subtly as she walked away.

The next time Castiel popped in Dean, Dean was sitting in the same park watching the children play like himself and Gabriel used to watch Celeste play as a child.

“Let me guess you’re here for the ‘I told you so’”, Dean said.

“No”, Castiel told him.

“Well, good, cause I’m really not that interested”.

“I am not here to judge you, Dean”.

“Then why are you here?”

“Our orders…” Castiel started to say.

“Yeah, you know, I’ve had about enough of these orders of yours”, Dean said cutting him off.

“Our orders were not to stop the summoning of Samhain, they were to do whatever you told us to do”.

“Your orders were to follow my orders?”

“It was a test, to see how you would perform under... battlefield conditions, you might say”.

“It was a witch, not the Tet Offensive”.

Castiel chuckled.

“So I, uh, failed your test, huh? I get it. But you know what? If you would have waved that magic time-traveling wand of yours and we had to do it all over again, I’d make the same call. 'Cause see, I don’t know what’s gonna happen when these seals are broken, hell I don’t even know what’s gonna happen tomorrow. But what I do know is, that this, here? These kids, the swings, the trees, all of it is still here because of my brother and me”, Dean told him.

Castiel understood his way of thinking. Castiel thought the same way when it came to when he saved Celeste after the car crash. “You misunderstand me, Dean; I’m not like you think. I was praying that you would choose to save the town”, Castiel said.

“You were?” Dean asked, surprised at what the angel said. Maybe he wasn’t heartless at all. Perhaps this was the good that Celeste saw in him.

“These people, they’re all my father’s creations. They’re works of art, and yet, even though you stopped Samhain, the seal was broken and we are one step closer to hell on earth, for all creation. Now that’s not an expression, Dean, it's literal. You of all people should appreciate what that means. Can I tell you something if you promise not to tell another soul?”

“Okay”.

“I’m not a… hammer as you say. I have questions, I have doubts. I don’t know what is right and what is wrong anymore, whether you passed or failed here. But in the coming months you will have more decisions to make. I don’t envy the weight that’s on your shoulders, Dean. I truly don’t”.

The two shared a look.

Dean looked out of the kids. When he looked back, Castiel was gone and Celeste sat in his place. “What are you doing here?” he asked.

“Felt like talking to you again. I feel so sad for Cas. He seems so broken”. She looked out at the children playing and smiled. “He and Gabe used to watch me play on the playground”, Celeste told Dean, “Well, Gabe would actually play with me while Castiel just watched”.

“Who’s Gabe?”

“Oh. Just another angel who was told to protect me”.

“Protect you from what? Or who?”

“I haven’t quite figured that out yet”.

“So what are you?”

“Aren’t you a broken record?”

“You can’t answer a question with a question”.

Celeste smiled. “Bye Dean”. Celeste snapped her fingers and she was gone.

Dean rubbed his hand down his face and thought, ‘Can’t my life be normal for once?’

[mitthroughmylens]

Celebrating some of the best TAs ever

#YouCanDoItOnlyYouCanDoItYouCantDoItAlone

Summary: Dear teaching assistants, your position is extremely critical; you were selected by a professor who trusts your ability to teach students. While you are not perfect (and certainly not expected to know everything), treat your students with care and compassion. Your lack of knowledge cannot make or break a student, but the way you treat them certainly can.

———————————————

MIT is hard. Well, maybe not for everyone. Also, maybe not all the time. But taking classes in a new field is not a walk in the park. Why do I care so much, you ask? I once had a TA who looked me in the eyes and said to me after I had waited for 1.5 hours on the queue, “This is really easy. You just need to give it some more thought. I’m sorry that I can’t help with your frustration - that’s not really my job” and then took me off the queue. Later, we found out that my issue arose from a bug in the staff code and not my unwillingness to think as the TA had implied 😭

Today, I want to talk about how TAs have impacted me.

When I took 6.08, I loved the class so much but I also struggled with the material. I literally greeted the TAs as they opened up OH in 38-501 and sometimes walked back to Dorm Row with them as they closed down; I was always there.

One day, things were particularly hard. I was so discouraged and I reached out to Ada Taylor, one of the kindest TAs I have ever encountered at MIT. I wrote down some of the things Ada said to me : “MIT is a really tough school. But each of us has badassitude that helped us earn our way here. And at the same time, from my years here, and talking with many friends here, most of us have still questioned ourselves at some time or another. I’m really glad you reached out. Feel free to ping me whenever, and know that you have me and a lot of other people on staff here who like you and care about you, too!”

In all honesty, that 6.08 team of TAs are collectively the best group of TAs I have encountered during my time here - they KNEW the material SO WELL and they knew that they were teaching human beings.

When I took 6.009, there was a TA named Shinjini Saha who put some fight in me that I will never forget. We had one pset that was particularly hard and tricky, with some solution that most people implemented using some well-known algorithm. I had come up with my own algorithm which worked well except for 2 edge cases. Throughout the 4 hours of OH, TAs came and went but none of them wanted to spend time thinking about what I had done. They recommended an easier algorithm and when I insisted on help to find what was wrong with mine, they put me back on the queue and moved on. The next TA would claim me, come over, and the cycle would repeat itself.

Shinjini claimed me about 20 minutes to the end of office hours. She was so kind and patient when she gave check offs and I prayed that at least she wouldn’t give up on me. Shinjini didn’t. She stayed and persisted.

As at 1 hour after OH ended, Shinjini and I were still going at it. At this point, only one edge case was proving problematic. I said to her “You know what? It’s okay Shinjini. Thank you so much for offering your time and your energy to help me find this bug. I know that you have so many other things to deal with as a grad student and I really appreciate your time. I guess the other TAs were right. I will just use the universal algorithm”. Shinjini wasn’t willing to give up: “Oh no, Jessica. We are SO close I can feel it. I know that your algorithm can work if we can just figure this out.” After all this, I was tired and I felt like a failure 😭 but she had this smile and this unwavering fight in her that encouraged me. I stayed. A few minutes later, we both SCREAMED when we found the bug. OH MY GOD. That was the ugliest and sneakiest bug I ever encountered till date. I learned many lessons about Python that day but the greatest lesson I learned was to never, ever give up.

Then there was Olivia Brode-Roger in 6.004. I took 6.004 in my sophomore fall - right after I had declared my major and was trying to find my way in Course 6. There were so many concepts that I battled with - from simple concepts like Huffman encoding to more complex ideas like pipelining. Whenever Olivia claimed me on the queue, I jumped for joy in my heart not just because she was a phenomenal teacher - when she claimed me, I knew that I was going to be helped by a person, by someone who would do their absolute best to help me understand the material, and by someone who understood that learning takes time. Olivia is all the little things that you don’t see - the high fives when she runs into you on campus, the “you got this” chants that she comes up with to encourage us at review sessions, the sheer brilliance and ingenuity at coming up with analogies and alternatives to explain technically complex material, the willpower and compassion to see students succeed (and not just pass exams)

I have many, many experiences with TAs that made me not just a better scholar, but a better person. I will probably share another round of stories about those who touched me in some way but I want to give all of them a shoutout:

7.016 (Yasha Chittampalli) 8.02 (Dylan Hsu) 18.03 (Sam Turton, Pedro Hervias, Svetlana Makarova) 6.08 (Daniel Mendelsohn, Ada Taylor, Fernando Yordan) 6.004 (Olivia Brode-Roger, Kat Hendrickson, Malek Ben Romdhane) 6.009 (Shinjini Saha, Daniel Prado Sanchez) 6.002 (Apoorva Murka, Sam Buercklin) 6.031 (Czarina Lao, Sophie Mori) 6.034 (Suri Bandler, Richard Yip) 6.041 (Hajir Roozbehani) 6.111 (Diana Wofk, Driss Hafdi, Wings Yeung) 6.033 (Nayoung Lee, Olivia Brode-Roger) 6.803 (Dylan Holmes, Hector Vasquez, Richard Yip) 6.UAT (Mira Partha) 6.UAR (Sam Delaughter) 6.036 (Uriel Guajardo)

*OH = office hours

[shirtlesssammy]

The Song Remains the Same: A Well Timed Recap

Then:

Dean’s mom is a babe. He apparently (but not really) still feels this way: @tinkdw awesome analysis of 12x18.

Now:

Dean’s enjoying a nice dream with a dark haired, blued eyed fantasy when Anna busts up the fun times. Awkward. Anna rats out Cas ratting her out, and tells Dean to meet her at an abandoned warehouse.

Instead of meeting the Winchesters, Anna finds Cas.

Cas doesn’t trust Anna’s release from Heaven’s prison, and regrets his previous actions. He questions her actions. She cuts right to the chase: “Sam Winchester has to die.” Okay then.

Cas will not help Anna. He will not kill a friend. Anna vanishes. Cut to two kids lighting up and making out in a Trans Am, and Anna suddenly appearing and falling on the hood.

They rush to her aid, carrying her away to the hospital. Also, we’re supposed to be in intrigued by the Grease poster on the side of the building. Very mysterioso.

Meanwhile, Cas fills Dean in on Anna’s actions. Dean fills Cas in on who Glenn Close is. These two. So many hearts. Sam is concerned about his imminent death.

Cas casts a location spell and finds that Anna went back in time to 1978. He surmises that Sam will never be born if she kills his parents first. The brothers’ Winchester insist on going back with Cas. Cas lets them know it’s more difficult than they think.

Classic dialog Alert:

Dean: So like you’re a Delorean without enough plutonium?

Cas: I don’t understand that reference.

The boys insist again. Cas acquiesces, packs the holy oil, and they’re on their way!

They all make it, but Cas is seriously incapacitated. They shuffle him off to plot contrivance hotel and start their quest. They locate where their parents live, and Sam is ready to burst in to save them, but Dean voices his hesitancy. They need a plan.

Inside, cute as can be Mary and John canoodle and prepare for dinner. The doorbell rings, and Mary is surprised to find her one time hunting buddy, Dean, outside. Before she can get them to leave, John shows up at the door. And guys, just watch Dean when John arrives. It kinda breaks my heart to watch him recoil and draw up straight and stand tall around his dad —even a younger version. *Do not think about Dean’s abusive childhood. Do not think about Dean’s abusive childhood* Dean introduces them as cousins of Mary’s, and John invites them to dinner. Sam is silent and in awe of meeting his parents. Sam Bean!

While enjoying pre-dinner beers, they awkwardly converse before John gets a call from his boss—or Anna pretending to be his boss! Agh, don’t go into work, John! Too late, he takes off without telling anyone.

Mary insists the boys leave again, but they warn her that she’s in danger. An angel is after her. She’s shocked but believes them. They then discover John is AWOL.

At the garage where John works, it’s dark and he finds his boss with burned out eyes. Anna!! She throws him across the room, but starts to see double. She’s still powerful ass angel though. Dean shows up and they share a nanosecond of -remember when we had sex in the back of the Impala? I was thinking of Cas the whole time- then Anna tosses Dean across the room as well.

BAMF!Mary picks up the angel blade and does what any good Campbell does —kicks ass. John is more than a little shocked to watch his little house wife work.  Sam sends Anna to places unknown before she can do any real damage.

Later in the Impala, Mom and Dad in the front, kids in the back, John gets the lowdown on what the rest of his family is already well versed in. It’s all lolz because the parents are younger than the kids. Lolz. But also kinda sad because they never had this as a family.

Mary brings them to an old Campbell family safehouse complete with devil’s trap, iron fixtures, and a well-stocked pantry of salt and holy water. Yum! That won’t help against angels, though, so Sam and Dean teach them about sigils and holy oil. John offers to paint the banishing sigils but Dean warns him it needs to be painted with human blood. John doesn’t hesitate, cuts his hand, and he gets to work arts and craftsing up the joint. Dean laughs humorlessly as young!John shows the seeds of the unrelenting fighter he will become.

Later, Sam compliments John on his handiwork and they talk a little about Sam’s childhood. John expresses horror that Sam was raised in the hunting life. Sam finds himself, surprisingly, defending John. “I used to hate the guy but now I get it. He was just doing the best he could. I understand why he did what he did and I forgive him for what it did to us. I love him.”

brb weeping

Uriel flaps in to see Anna who has called him down to Earth. He recognizes her as being out of his timestream but since current Anna is his superior, he’s okay following orders. He’s doubly okay about following her order to kill a few humans.

Dean checks in with Mary, who demands an explanation for why angels are trying to kill them. She threatens to walk out unless he spills so he blurts out that she’s their mom.

At first she doesn’t believe him but he lays out the facts: their names, so similar to her parents’; the soup she made him when he was sick; singing Hey Jude to him to get him to sleep. She’s horrified to learn that she raised her kids to become hunters and Dean, in a spectacularly horrible mollification attempt, tells her that “you didn’t because you’re dead.” He warns her about the Yellow Eyed Demon. “Listen to me. A demon comes into Sam’s nursery exactly 6 months after he’s born, November 2nd 1983. Remember that date. And whatever you do, do not go in there.”

Sam interrupts them with a different suggestion. He tells her to leave John. That way they won’t ever be born. “There’s a big difference between dying and never being born,” they tell her. (Which is SUCH a horrible thing to argue and really shows the depth of their fear and despair.) Never having children means that her children won’t ever be cursed.

brb more weeping

But Mary Winchester has a secret. She’s pregnant with a little Dean Bean! John interrupts that revelation in a panic. The sigils are disappearing! 

Suddenly an angel speaks and windows burst. Enter Uriel and Anna.

Sam and Dean throw themselves into fistfighting the angels with about as much success as you’d imagine for Season 5 when angels were still the biggest and baddest. Anna stabs Sam in the gut and he slumps to the floor, blood dripping from his mouth. Uriel has Dean pinned by the throat to the wall, affording Dean a great view for his worst nightmare.

John gets knocked clear out of the house and lands in the yard where a bright line shines on him. Possessed!John re-enters the house and Anna, who was about to kill Mary, names him: Michael. Michael lays a gentle hand to Anna and she flames out into ash. 

(I remember thinking wait WHAT? They killed off Dean’s love interest? Little did I know, friends.)

Michael shoos Uriel back to Heaven then touches his fingers to Mary. She slumps, unconscious, then Michael and Dean enjoy a meet and greet. (Or, in Michael’s case, a meatsuit and greet?)

Dean’s astonished that Michael is on Earth. Isn’t he supposed to be his vessel? “You’re my true vessel,” corrects Michael, “Not my only one.” Dean belongs to a long bloodline of archangel-suitable vessels stretching all the way back to Cain and Abel.

Yuck, says Dean’s face. Also, regarding his beef with Lucifer, Michael needs to “get some therapy, pal. Don’t take it out on my planet.” (LOLs for years thinking about Lucifer getting some therapy in Season 11. I guess it actually was just following through from Season 5.)

Michael proceeds to attempt to cultivate empathy in Dean. Michael cared for his brother just like Dean cares for Sam. He doesn’t want him dead. But an archangel’s gotta do what an archangel’s gotta do. His father commanded he kill Lucifer, so he’ll kill Lucifer. “You think you know better than my father? One unimportant little man?”

Dean still believes in free will. Michael attempts to debunk Dean’s staunch belief in the Free Will doctrine by saying every choice he’s made, everything getting his parents together, it’s all working according to God’s plan. ”Free will’s an illusion, Dean. That’s why you’re going to say yes.”

Before he goes, Michael wipes Mary and John’s memories, then brings Sam back to life and sends him forward to 2010. He possessively straightens Dean’s jacket, tells him ominously that he’ll see him soon, and zaps Dean away as well.

Back in their crappy motel Dean contemplates a fresh bottle of whiskey when Castiel appears in the mirror, looking a little loopy. They rush to his side and hold him up as he wobbles. Cas barely gets out that he’s astonished he made it back to 2010 safely when he passes out and the boys drag him to the bed to sleep it off.  

Sam and Dean share a stiff drink. “This is it. Team Free Will. One ex blood junkie, one dropout with six bucks to his name, and Mister Comatose over there,” Dean says.

Sam worries that they’ll say yes to the archangels and while Dean plays confident, we know he’s deeply rattled.

Back in the past Mary and John bond over their decorated nursery. Mary found a statute of an angel at a garage sale and, while John thinks it’s hokey, she likes it. “It’s okay, baby,” she says as she rubs where the baby just kicked. “It’s all okay. Angels are watching over you.”

I Thought this Quote was My One True Vessel:

All these centuries and you're underestimating me now?


I mean, the moustaches alone.

What do I look like? Dr. Angel Medicine Woman?

He’s tough for a little nerdy dude with wings.

Always happy to do some smiting.

Awesome. Six degrees of heaven bacon.

[mittensmorgul]

5.13: Angels are watching over you...

Anna gatecrashes Dean’s dream. Awkward. Tries to plant suspicion of Cas, but Dean... trusts Cas and tells him everything.

Anna wants to stop the apocalypse by killing him in such a way that he could never be resurrected, but Cas insists they “Find another way.” And then reports back to Sam and Dean (who ask if Anna has a point here), but Cas is clearly already 100% on Team Winchester. He can see that yes, Anna does have a point, but he’s more ready to sacrifice Anna-- an angel he’s known and been close with for MILLIONS OF YEARS-- than Sam.

If Anna can’t get to Sam in the present because Cas is protecting him, she decides to try going to the past, to kill Mary before Sam can even be born.

(Sam experiences his first Angel Booping)

(Dean puts Cas up in the Honeymoon Suite for five nights with a Do Not Disturb Under Any Circumstances order... like did the desk clerk dude think Dean was gonna be up there with him?)

MARY: I don't do that anymore. I have a normal life now. You have to go. MARY moves to close the door. DEAN holds an arm out to stop her. DEAN: I'm sorry, but this is important, okay?

(surrrrre Mary. You don’t do that anymore)

Mary has let John believe that Samuel died of a “heart attack.” I wonder how she explained how her mother died the same night? Either way, it’s interesting that it’s JOHN who really wants Sam and Dean to stay for dinner, because he hasn’t met much of Mary’s side of the family. Which further proves that it was John with the notions of family that have formed the basis for Dean’s definition of what family is.

Mary picks up an angel blade for the first time, and John has his first encounter with the Supernatural, prefacing the Most Awkward Family Road Trip ever.

Poor John trying to pretend that all of this is just fiiiiine, that learning that angels and demons are real and your wife and her entire family have been monster hunters going back generations and this is the first you’re hearing about it is just another Tuesday... And just defiantly accepting all of this and making himself useful. Maybe next time don’t just angrily draw the knife across your own palm like that. There’s a reason Sam and Dean usually cut their forearm instead of their hand... best not to have injured hands if you’re gonna be in a fight situation, you know?

(as a Marine he really should’ve know that already...)

(still, for grumpy defiance while still cooperating with this huge pile of insanity that was just dumped on him like this, I’d say he was doing pretty well for himself okay)

(enough for Dean to comment that this version of John really reminds him of his dad... >.>)

SAM: Uh...I wanted to say I—I'm sorry about all this. I—I know it's a lot. JOHN: Look, how long have you known about this...hunting stuff? SAM: Pretty much forever. My dad raised me in it. JOHN: You're serious? Who the hell does that to a kid? SAM: Well, I mean, for the record, Mary's parents did. JOHN: I don't care. You know, what kind of irresponsible bastard lets a child anywhere near—Y-you know, you could've been killed!

(without knowing it, John judges his future self really harshly...)

SAM: I used to be mad at him. I—I mean, I used to... I used to hate the guy. But now I—I... I get it. He was...just doing the best he could. And he was trying to keep it together in—in—in this impossible situation. See... My mom, um... She was amazing, beautiful, and she was the love of his life. And she got killed. And...I think he would have gone crazy if he didn't do something. Truth is, um, my dad died before I got to tell him that I understand why he did what he did. And I forgive him for what it did to us. I do. And I just—I love him.

Meanwhile, Anna calls down Uriel and LIES TO HIS FACE:

ANNA: In the future, these people are going to kill you, Uriel. I'm giving you the chance to kill them first.

(heeey who killed Uriel, Anna? Oh, right. YOU DID.)

Dean has his first “convince Mary he’s who he says he is” moment, just like the one in 12.01... 

MARY: I raised my kids to be hunters? DEAN: No. No, you didn't. MARY: How could I do that to you? DEAN: You didn't do it. Because you're dead.

And it seems that’s the WORST thing she can imagine. Not that she dies, not that John becomes a hunter too, but that her kids grow up to hunt themselves.

SAM: Listen, you think you can have that normal life that you want so bad, but you can't. I'm sorry. It's all gonna go rotten. You are gonna die, and your children will be cursed. MARY: There—there has to be a way.

And Dean only gets one second to realize that there’s two of him in that room, because Mary’s already pregnant with him... before Uriel shows up to kill them. But then Michael shows up to save them. Because apparently despite Anna’s orders from Heaven, Michael still wants this Apocalypse to happen. Not just to kill Sam so Lucifer can’t have his vessel, but he really WANTS the whole thing to go down as planned.

DEAN: Oh, I get it. You got beef with your brother. Well, get some therapy, pal. Don't take it out on my planet! MICHAEL: You're wrong. Lucifer defied our father, and he betrayed me. But still...I don't want this any more than you would want to kill Sam. MICHAEL turns away. MICHAEL: You know, my brother, I practically raised him. I took care of him in a way most people could never understand, and I still love him. MICHAEL turns back. MICHAEL: But I am going to kill him because it is right and I have to. DEAN: Oh, because God says so? MICHAEL: Yes. From the beginning, he knew this was how it was going to end. DEAN: And you're just gonna do whatever God says. MICHAEL: Yes, because I am a good son.

And this conversation right here is EXACTLY why I give zero fucks about Lucifer suddenly being labeled as “the older brother.” Well, this in combination with everything else we’ve ever learned about archangels going all the way back to 4.18 and Cas’s warning to Dean, that “archangels are fierce. They're absolute. They're heaven's most terrifying weapon.” They’re also sort of the antithesis of Free Will.

Michael’s loyalty, Lucifer’s rebellion. Raphael’s s6 insistence of restarting the apocalypse... (sure Gabriel broke the mold a bit, mainly because he’d always been stuck in the middle between Michael’s loyalty and Lucifer’s rebellion, but he was the biggest proponent of “Play Your Roles” in the history of the show. Gabriel was always the one trying to just get the whole apocalypse over with. Because he always knew how it was intended to end-- one of his brothers would have to kill the other.

Exactly the way Lucifer convinced Cain that he must kill his brother.

Exactly the way Cain tried to convince Dean that he would have to kill his brother.

HELL EXACTLY THE WAY JOHN TOLD DEAN HE WOULD HAVE TO KILL SAM.

From the moment Chuck entrusted Lucifer with the Mark of Cain and locked away the Darkness, THIS BECAME THE SCRIPT. This literally became the story God was writing, and to the archangels that meant that this became their reality. This became their roles, and Michael and Lucifer both played their roles.

But EVERYTHING about them playing their roles came down to Dean Winchester saying NO to this, to denying God’s plan for him. Just as much as Castiel has always been a spanner in the works for Heaven, Dean has been the same for Humanity. And they’ve both been there for each other to help defy God’s Plan, to unravel the script and rewrite it over and over again.

In doing so, Dean broke free from his destiny, from the script to be nothing more than another iteration of the old script. Taking on the Mark of Cain and overturning THAT part of his “destiny” and his family’s legacy was just the next step (and he couldn’t have done that part on his own... he still needed Sam to step up and say NO, along with Cas).

After the Darkness was free, Sam almost gave in to take on that destiny for himself (taking on the Mark himself, thereby starting the whole cycle over again but with Lucifer in the role of the “first son,” since Lucifer was on the scene and NOT being offered the responsibility of taking on the Mark again... 

But Lucifer is still an archangel, he’s still “absolute,” and he still has no idea what to do with Free Will. He has no script, he has no role to play. So for the first time in his entire existence, he IS the “big brother.” With Michael in the cage, his link to his “true vessel” severed by Dean’s rejection of it, he’s become “lesser than.”

We’ve gone off script here, and Lucifer’s learning that in this post-destiny world with Chuck having relinquished the earth to Humanity, he can write his own script just like everyone else. And this is Lucifer’s story now.

(I mean, from Lucifer’s pov here, not that SPN is now the Luci Show, because no it’s obviously not...)

Because to an archangel, there is no such thing as free will:

MICHAEL: Think of a million random acts of chance that let John and Mary be born, to meet, to fall in love, to have the two of you. Think of the million random choices that you make, and yet how each and every one of them brings you closer to your destiny. Do you know why that is? Because it's not random. It's not chance. It's a plan that is playing itself out perfectly. Free will's an illusion, Dean. That's why you're going to say yes. Oh, buck up. It could be worse. You know, unlike my brothers, I won't leave you a drooling mess when I'm done wearing you.

(Yeah, sure, Michael. I mean, how long did y’all plan all this BS out? How hard did y’all have to work to make sure Sam and Dean were born? And that they would be raised to be hunters, to be born, bred, raised, and trained to be the Ultimate Vessels? 

just see Cas in 4.16:  Strange. Strange how a leaky pipe can undo the work of angels when we ourselves are supposed to be the agents of fate.

yeah, angels are the “agents of fate,” moving the playing pieces into position and setting up the apocalypse...)

DEAN: Team Free Will. One ex-blood junkie, one dropout with six bucks to his name, and Mr. Comatose over there. It's awesome. SAM: It's not funny. DEAN: I'm not laughing.

[purplesummer91]

12x10 Coda

Dean downs what’s left of his third beer and sets the bottle on the table, sighing heavily. Sam is already in his room – said something about wanting to read, or watch something, or whatever, and Dean pretends he doesn't know that Sam was just trying to give him and Cas some privacy.

Dean looks at Cas, but if Cas is aware of someone's eyes on him, he doesn't show it. He's nursing what has to be his seventh beer, and he's nowhere near even slightly tipsy, which Dean supposes figures, angelic tolerance or whatever. Cas' gaze is unfocused, and he hasn't said anything in over half an hour, now. Dean wonders what's going on in his mind, even though he figures it makes sense that Cas would be... lost in thought? Possibly upset? It's been a long day.

Ten minutes come and go, and when Cas' silence hits the forty-five-minute mark, Dean knows he can't take it anymore.

“Alright,” he says, leaning forward and trying to catch Cas' gaze. “Tell me.”

Cas blinks once, twice, then looks at Dean, slightly puzzled.

“What?”

“Whatever's bothering you,” Dean clarifies. “Tell me.”

Cas makes a funny little noise that almost sounds like a snort, and looks away from Dean.

“Have you not paid attention to what happened today?” Cas asks, but Dean refuses to let him get away with it.

“I'm not saying you had the best day ever, Cas,” he says quietly. “I mean, Ishim was a dick, but he was a... friend. What happened with him, and Benjamin dying... I know that was hard on you. I'm just – I dunno, man. Call me crazy, but I got a feeling there's something else that's eating at you. Am I wrong?”

Cas is quiet for a long moment, picking at the label of his beer, then taking a sip, seemingly just to give himself something to do.

“No, you're not wrong,” he finally admits.

Silence falls again, and Cas' gaze finds Dean's again, his blue eyes lost, filled with so much sadness Dean almost feels himself tear up just looking at Cas.

For a long moment, Dean is sure Cas will just drop the subject, that he won't elaborate on what's going on in his mind, but just when Dean is ready to call it quits, give Cas a pat on the back, maybe a hug, and then go to sleep, Cas finally speaks up again.

“They're all gone,” he says, his voice soft. “Every angel I've fought with, all of them, gone.”

“That's not your fault, man.”

“Yes. Yes, it is.”

Dean sighs and shakes his head, scooting with his chair slightly closer to Cas.

“Cas... buddy, what else could you have done?” Dean reasons, leaning with his arms on the table. “He was gonna kill that woman, and then all of us. You had no choice.”

Cas is quiet for another long moment, then grimaces.

“Maybe I had no choice today,” he says, and it seems like even that admission costs him pain. “But he's not the only angel I've ever killed.”

Dean feels his heart twisting painfully in his chest.

“Cas-”

“I killed thousands,” Cas says, pure venom in his voice, the anger he feels at himself lacing every syllable. “I tried to play God and I killed thousands. You may say I had no choice but to kill Ishim, but I-”

Cas cuts himself off and he looks away, and Dean swears he sees tears in his eyes. Without overthinking it, he covers Cas' hand with his own, squeezing it lightly, and Cas seems to draw courage from it.

“Ishim mentioned Uriel and... and Balthazar. Before you stormed into the diner,” he admits, and Dean feels anger blooming in his chest. If that son of a bitch wasn't already dead, he would kill him all over again.

“You didn't kill Uriel,” he points out. “And even if you had, the son of a bitch was going around killing angels who didn't want to join Lucifer. He wasn't exactly innocent.”

Castiel clutches Dean's hand, and from the look on his face, it seems like he's summoning all the strength he has to say the words that follow.

“Balthazar was.”

And Dean doesn't have a good answer for that. Balthazar was a dick and complete pain in the ass, and Dean knows he won't get caught weeping for him anytime soon, but... he also knows that saying he deserved to die would be wrong.

“You didn't mean to,” he says lamely, then winces at the look Cas gives him.

“Angels were never supposed to feel anything but love for our Father. We were supposed to be soldiers solely devoted to our duty,” Cas says, his voice more pained than Dean ever heard it before. “But for as much as angels could have a friend, Balthazar was mine.”

“You guys... you were really close, huh?”

Cas seems to consider the question for a few moments. He opens his mouth, then closes it again. He sighs, and a small frown appears on his brow.

“Yes,” he finally murmurs, but doesn't seem interested on elaborating further.

A million thoughts swirl into Dean's mind, and for the first time in six years, he wants to ask. He wants to ask if friendship really is the best word to describe whatever there was between Cas and Balthazar, wants to ask if Cas ever saw how clearly, how desperately Balthazar loved him, and wants to know if there was ever even just a part of Cas that felt the same way. He wants to ask if Cas ever noticed Dean looking at him in the same lost, longing, adoring way as Balthazar.

But Dean knows this is not the right time to talk about what he feels. He doesn't want to spring this on Cas, too. Not right now. He has waited for years, he can wait a little bit longer.

“He cared about you,” Dean says in the end. “And he knew you cared about him, too. What happened – I mean, yeah. It's terrible. But he wouldn't want you to keep thinking about it, and blaming yourself and-”

“It was my fault,” Cas says firmly, and Dean doesn't try to argue.

“He would want you to move on, and be happy,” he says instead, and watches as Cas' lip trembles slightly.

“I just wish I could take it back,” Cas says in a whisper.

“I know,” Dean says, and gives Cas a small, sad smile, which he returns.

They're silent for a few moments before Dean speaks again.

“You're not alone, you know that, right, Cas?” he says, squeezing Cas' hand. “You got me. And – and Sammy, of course. You got us.”

Cas looks at Dean for a long moment, then smiles again, still small, but not as sad anymore.

“Thank you, Dean,” he says, squeezing Dean's hand back before gently pulling away. “You should go to bed now. It was a long day.”

“Right. Yeah, I... I probably should,” Dean agrees, straightening up and giving Cas a look. “You gonna be alright, buddy?”

“Yes, I think so,” Cas assures him, and when Dean looks unsure, he insists. “Go get some sleep, Dean.”

Dean hesitates. On one hand, he really should get at least a few hours of sleep before they start their search for Rosemary's baby again. On the other hand, however...

“You know, I'm really not feeling all that sleepy,” he finally says, grinning at Cas. “Do you wanna grab my laptop and watch some Game of Thrones? I really wanna see if that son of a bitch Ramsay finally dies.”

Cas chuckles, and Dean doesn't acknowledge the butterflies swarming in his stomach.

“Well, that would definitely make this day a lot better.”

“Right?” Dean says eagerly. “He's such a dick, ugh. When he finally dies, I'll celebrate even more than when that little bastard Joffrey died. Sansa'd better kill him herself - the writers'd better not let me down.”

“Absolutely,” Cas solemnly agrees, although he sounds amused. “Watching Game of Thrones sounds like a good idea, Dean. I'd like that.”

Dean smiles.

“Yeah?”

Cas nods and smiles back.

“Yeah.”

“Popcorns?”

“The experience would not be complete without them.”

“Man after my own heart.”

They're both still smiling as they stand from the table, leaving their empty beer bottles behind and making their way towards the kitchen.

And if later, while they're both comfortably sprawled on Dean's bed, a huge, mostly empty bowl of popcorn between them, Cas reaches for Dean's hand and twines their fingers together as they watch Ramsay Bolton being mauled to death by his own dogs, well. Dean is not gonna complain.

[coffeeandcas]

The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Learn (2/?)

Takes place after the events of 12x12 “Stuck in the Middle With You”.

Castiel has been in love with Dean ever since he first laid a hand on him in Hell all those years ago. But finally, painfully, he realises Dean will never return his feelings and forces himself to move on. Dean misses the presence and attention of his angel, and comes to some realisations of his own.

***
Chapter 2/?

Castiel wakes up in his own bed some time later, disorientated and still feeling the effects of his injuries. His mouth is dry and he still feels nauseous, but he manages to get himself out of bed to use the bathroom with minimal discomfort before collapsing back into bed and burrowing under the covers, dejected. He’s raw and wrung-out from crying and every muscle aches horribly. He’s been low before, many times, but he always bounced back. Or pretended to anyway, which is almost the same. His bed is cool and comforting against his overheated skin and he wants nothing more than to snuggle down and stay there all day; to avoid Dean and the rest of the world. He probably could, nobody would really question him, nor after the events of yesterday, but he knew it wasn’t productive. He needed to sort his head out, and stewing in bed all day wasn’t going to accomplish that. A dragging feeling of sadness overwhelms him as he thinks about Dean for the first time since waking. Normally the hunter’s face, all soft smiles and shining eyes, is the first thing to flash into his mind when he opens his eyes, but today he feels so rotten that it’s taken a while. All the years, all the affectionate touches, lingering looks, gentle smiles and misinterpreted ‘I need you’s: Castiel has never felt so foolish, so humiliated, or so old. He’s been around the world a thousand times or more and he should know better, but he allowed himself to be drawn under the spell of the enigmatic and undeniably handsome hunter and now no wonder he’s hurting. He had been warned countless times to stay away from the Winchester brothers and he had always, always ignored that advice. Now he wonders whether he should have listened the first time Uriel berated him and called him their toy.

He lets a bit more time pass, idly staring at the ceiling and keeping his mind carefully blank to avoid tumbling into misery, then with some difficulty drags himself out of bed and dresses in the first clothes he finds - faded jeans and an old t-shirt that maybe belonged to Dean - and ventures from his room in trepidation.

The bunker is dark, quiet and still - it’s early morning, and Dean, Sam and Mary must still be asleep. Castiel couldn’t be any more relieved: after spending what felt like forever in tears in Sam’s arms, the younger Winchester had eventually helped him to his own room and undressed him to put him to bed. By that stage, Cas had been so out of it that he just let Sam twist and turn him in various directions to get his clothes off, and was blissfully passed out the second his head hit the pillow. He isn’t ready to see anyone yet. He wonders if Sam had told Dean what a bad state he had been in, and if Dean had even cared.

He wanders through to the kitchen, aching, and trying to ignore the tumultuous voices in his head telling him a myriad of different things.

‘You should leave, now, before they wake up and try to stop you.’

‘Dean pities you, he thinks you’re broken; he feels guilty for kicking you out last time so he won’t do it again, that’s the only reason you’re still here.’

‘You’re not really family, they only said that to ease your pain. They didn’t think you’d live.’

‘Dean doesn’t love you. Dean doesn’t love you. Dean doesn’t love you.’

Agonised, Castiel drops his head into his hands and leans heavily on the counter near the coffee machine. He can’t reign his thoughts in; perhaps its an after-effect of being stabbed with the lance, but he feels like he might go insane from all the words and images swirling in his mind. And the one shouting the loudest? Is telling him to leave, to run, to go once and for all and not look back. But that would be cowardice, he just can’t, they’re his family…

‘No, Castiel,’ an inner voice sneered at him, reminding him sickeningly of Naomi. ‘They aren’t. They’ll never see you as more than their awkward friend who outstays his welcome. You know this, deep in your heart.’

“Shut up!” Castiel loses it a little, lashing out with one arm and feeling it connect with something. An object crashes to the floor but he doesn’t bother to look; tears are pricking behind his eyes again and he feels so damn weak, like he could collapse again at any given moment. He needs to get a grip on himself, stop the voices going round in his mind and feeding him venom. The Winchesters love him - maybe not in the way he aches for Dean to love him, but it’s enough. They’re a family. They love Cas. It has to be enough.

“Cas?” He hears Sam’s concerned voice close by, and wonders how long he’s been calling him for. With a great effort, Cas wipes his eyes and stands upright, greeting the younger Winchester with a tight smile.

“Good morning, Sam. I’m just going to make some coffee - would you like some?” His voice sounds flat and hollow to his own ears, but he hopes Sam won’t pick up on it. Sam is focused on picking up the cookbook of Dean’s that Cas had knocked to the floor and rearranging it where it belongs. Cas turns away and fumbles with mugs and coffee and milk, and tries to get a handle on himself. Maybe when he sees Dean and gets the initial awkwardness out of the way, he’ll feel better; less skittish. Sam smiles at him and lends a hand, and the warm gaze of the man Cas considers a brother grounds him a little. Then he hears footsteps behind him, the sound of Dean crossing the expanse of room and the soft, familiar sound he makes when he’s stretching his arms above his head and yawning. Cas’ heart aches again and he swallows. Shit. He isn’t ready for this.

He turns, preempting Dean, with a fixed, brittle smile and an outstretched cup of steaming coffee. The older Winchester takes it awkwardly but doesn’t meet his eyes for a moment.

“Morning, Sammy. Sleep OK?” Then, slowly, Dean’s green gaze lands on the angel and Cas’ heart hammers so hard he swears everyone can hear it. “Hi, Cas.”

“Hello, Dean.”

Silence stretches between the three of them, growing in intensity and awkwardness as the seconds tick by, Cas and Dean doing their best to avoid eye contact, until Sam clears his throat and scoops his own cup up off the counter.

“I guess I'll…just give you two a minute.” And he sidles away, leaving Dean and his angel to shift awkwardly and avert their gazes every time their eyes met.

“Cas-”

“Dean-”

They speak at the same time and both flush. Cas sips his coffee to hide his embarrassment and Dean rubs the back of his neck in the self-conscious way Castiel is so familiar with.

“You go first. Please, Dean. I insist.”

“OK.” The hunter levels a look at the angel, and Castiel can see relief, concern, wariness, and other swirling emotions in Dean’s deep green eyes. Cas swallows, apprehensive. “I’m just…I’m so glad you’re OK, Cas. Watching you almost die like that, and Crowley telling us there was nothing we could do…it was awful, man. Really. Are,” Dean shifts, his hand coming out as if to reach for Cas’ shoulder then thinking better of it. “Are you feeling better now? Sammy said you were still kind of out of it last night.”

“Much better, Dean. Thank you.” Castiel swallows, his response stiff and jilted but unable to manage anything more convincing. The air between them is rigid and hollow and gaining in discomfiture. Somewhere in the bunker, he can hear Mary talking to Sam. “Are you all right? You weren’t hurt?”

“No Cas, I wasn’t. I’m fine. Just so long as you are.”

“Yes. I am, I’m back to normal. I’m fine. Almost.”

As long as they stood telling each other how fine they were, it meant that the topic of Cas’ feverish confession was unlikely to come up. But they couldn’t stand there all day, as much as Cas would love to skirt round the issue and just disappear, and ignoring the mounting fear in every nerve ending, he decides to take the bull by the proverbial horns.

“Dean…about what I said-”

“I know, Cas.” Dean does clap a hand on Cas’ arm at this; some of his coffee slops over the side and onto the floor. They both ignore it in favour of staring each other. “I get it. I really do.” And suddenly Dean’s eyes are darker, more intense and intimate, and Cas wonders if he’s imagining the step forward Dean has taken. He’s pinned in place by Dean’s eyes, and a warm feeling starts to uncool from deep in his stomach, soothing his burning heart and aching spirit.

“You do? Dean, I thought-”

“Yeah, Cas, of course.” Dean smiles, and it’s all soft and warm and glowing and exactly the smile that Castiel fell in love with. His throat tightens as he waits for Dean to continue. “You’re family, and we love you too. You’re one of us now!” And Dean’s smile widens to a grin; he claps Cas on the arm again then reaches behind the angel for some sugar for his coffee. Castiel is frozen in place, unable to move, Dean so close that he would barely have to move for their faces to be touching. ‘We love you too’…

“Dean,” Cas grips the hunter’s arm with a sudden desperation, pinning the taller man in place and when Dean looks up at him in surprise there’s barely three inches between their faces. “I meant…Sam and Mary, they mean the world to me. And truly, they are my family. But you…Dean, I meant…I mean…” Cas’ words fail him and he tries with all his might to convey his meaning with his eyes, every atom within him pleading with Dean to understand. To look at him the way he reveres his hunter. To feel how he feels. To just love him.

“Cas,” Dean’s hand comes to rest on the arm Castiel is holding him with, his eyes soft again, and he’s watching his angel carefully, expression unreadable. “You’re family. I get it; you believe me, right? I love you too, Cas.” And Castiel’s emotion soars, suspended in hope for a fleeting second - until the next words out of Dean’s mouth decimate the angel’s heart. “As a brother.”

Silence worms it’s way between them as Castiel takes a horrified, reactive step back. That’s it then. That’s how Dean sees him, confirmed from his own mouth. Castiel feels as though he’s been punched through a brick wall; his head spins and for one terrifying second he thinks he might throw up on Dean. He can see Dean’s lips moving but can’t hear a word over the rushing of blood in his ears. His cup crashes to the floor between them and Dean jumps back with a yelp, staring at Cas with growing concern. The overwhelming need to get away from Dean, to be alone to process all this, shoves Cas backwards another few steps and Dean finally seems to understand. He watches as a slow comprehension dawns on the hunter’s face and his mouth opens in slack-jawed shock.

“What the hell-”

“Dean,” Cas’ eyes are brimming with tears and he knows they’re about to fall. He meets the stunned eyes of his hunter, the man who held his heart for so long and has just crushed it between his palms, and backs away, choking on his own words. “I’m sorry, Dean. I’m so damn sorry.”

“Cas, wait-”

But Castiel has already turned and high-tailed down the corridor to his bedroom; the door slams behind him and he slides down it until he’s collapsed on the floor with his back to it, and yet again the tears just won’t stop.