#Sarah definitely has their moments where they do the mom thing where they aggressively do the laundry

[rustycopper4use]

I like you! Here’s some incorrect quotes with the dennys

@piffany666 @lunaritychuwolf

(itd be so bad if someone were to draw these./s)

[jjobxx]

-- Fallin’ All In You;

Pairing: Topper Thornton x Reader

Words count: 2,767

Request: I love your stuff so much😭 could you please do a Topper imagine (where he’s a good person) with the prompts 8,9, 10,14 and 33?Sorry that it’s quite a few prompts lol. I just saw that and thought it would be perfect for a pogue and that she has a crush on Topper and the others are like “Should we let her know we’re onto her?” and Topper also has a crush on her and they others try to like push them together but y/n thinks Topper likes someone else? That would be so cute and thank you for writing!

Warnings: A couple curse words, mentions of fighting. I think that’s it? Not really a warning but a cheesy!Topper at the end.

A/N: I was able to get the rest of this done at work today (shhhh, I had to wait on a coworker before I could do my paperwork so I figured why not ;D) so here you go! Anywho, if this isn’t to your liking please let me know and I’d be happy to try again. As usual, not proofed so any mistakes are my fault.  ^_^

--

Being in the background was something you were good at. You didn’t like being the center of attention, much like your older sister, and you definitely didn’t like conversations with people outside of your bubble. It wasn’t that you didn’t like people, something your older sister always seemed to aggressively tease you about, it was more-so that you were quiet by nature. You were calm and well, she was not, which is why she never understood your choice in friends. Though the both of you were raised as Pogues, your sister never stopped trying to climb the social ladder into the world of the Kooks. You on the other hand stayed close to home and kept your social circle rather small.

Everyone knew “the” Pogues – John B, Pope, Kie, and JJ – they were loud, rowdy, and lived for a good time, or three out of the four at least. You and Pope had hit it off from the beginning, your personalities similar to one another. While you were glad to have found someone who understood your quiet nature, he was glad to have found someone to at least attempt to help him keep his friends out of as much trouble as he could. Try as you two might, however, there really was no stopping the others from doing what they wanted – especially when it came to a few certain Kooks on the island. 

You never quite figured out the issue between the two classes on the island, seeing that your sister didn’t have much of a problem getting in with the Kooks when your family first moved to the Banks, but you came to a realization fairly quickly when you befriended the Pogues that the rivalry did indeed exist. Perhaps it was your sister’s beauty and flirtatious personality that got her in, or the fact that she so graciously hid her Pogue status, but nonetheless, you tried your best to stay in the middle of the fence for two reasons; it wasn’t your fight and you weren’t about to choose between your sister or your friends. So, any time a fight took place between your friends and the Kooks, you tried your best to stay out of it – not that it was hard, you were like a mouse; quiet and practically hiding behind anything or anyone you could. What you didn’t know was that, over time, you had caught the attention of one of the Kooks, Topper. You were intriguing to him. He was used to the rowdiness of your friends, expected it, but he wasn’t used to your timid nature and that someone like you would run around with the likes of the others. He didn’t know you by any means, just your name, but you confused him and he wasn’t sure if he liked the feeling or not.

Likewise,  any time there was a run-in with the Kooks, you often felt a pair of eyes on you. For the longest time you weren’t sure who they belonged to, too nervous to let your eyes wander anywhere else than on Pope, the friend you worried about the most in these situations. But you eventually gave in one day, your eyes travelling to everyone on scene. Your breath hitched as soon as your eyes met Topper’s, followed by the burning of your cheeks. He kept his gaze but you broke it, your eyes skimming the ground and then back to Pope who had been trying to hold back JJ from Rafe. Your eyes widened at the scene, knowing full well that Pope wasn’t going to be able to contain JJ much longer and that both would end up hurt if they kept at it. That’s when you decided to try something, your eyes searching for Topper’s once more, pleading him to do something. It had taken a couple moments before he spoke up. “Let’s go,” Topper nearly hissed at his friends, his hand applying pressure to Kelce’s shoulder so as to get him to follow suit. “Bullshit,” Rafe muttered. “We’re not done here,” he was matter of fact as he continued taunting JJ and Pope. “They’re not worth it,” Topper countered, “lets. go.” He enunciated his words, his jaw clenching as he waited for his friend to follow him. You could hear Rafe spew some colorful words as he gave up his position and stormed off. The five of you looked at one another, then at the trail the Kooks left behind, and then back at each other. “So, is no one going to talk about how weird that was or what?” Kie spoke up, the others agreeing with her and adding on their own opinions. The only thing you could do in this case however was mutter a small ‘yeah’ accompanied by a nervous chuckle.

The next day after that particular Kook versus Pogue fight, you had coincidentally run into Topper, though it wasn’t much of a shock running into him as you were the one on his territory. You were looking for your sister, your parents needing to speak with the both of you and she wasn’t picking up her phone, thus you had to find her. You knew to go to Figure Eight but from there you were clueless. That’s when you had heard your name being called. “Y/N!” Topper’s voice was hesitant, but much softer than the day before. “What brings you to Figure Eight?” he inquired, his gaze burning your cheeks once more. “Oh, I’m looking for my s.. friend. Layla,” you spoke just as soft, catching yourself from saying your sister as you knew she would be less than thrilled if her secret got out. She had gushed about Topper and his friends to you several times, so you knew that Topper had to of known who she was. “She’s probably at Sarah’s, I can show you the way if you’d like?” He had offered, his eyes showing a glimmer of excitement. You chalked it up to him being able to see Layla, because why would he not want to see her, but little did you know it was because he could be in your company for just a little longer. You didn’t talk much during the walk but laughed every so often as Topper would crack off some silly joke, a sound he decided he very much liked.

As you arrived however, he was a little stand offish, his attention now on your sister and her friends. You didn’t waste time in getting your sister by herself so the two of you could converse without anyone overhearing. “Mom and dad need to talk to us, but they didn’t say about what and they couldn’t get ahold of you so they wanted me to come find you,” you explained in a hushed voice. Over your conversation you could hear Topper and the others in the other room, Topper’s laugh echoing. Today was probably the first time you had heard his real, genuine laugh and much like Topper enjoying yours, you couldn’t help but to enjoy his, too. But you quickly subsided the feeling, knowing someone like him wouldn’t be caught dead with someone like you, his withdrawal from you evident when the two of you walked into the Cameron household.  

Weeks went by and the two of you seemed to walk on your tiptoes around one another. The Pogues noticed a significant difference in Topper whenever him and the others were around. He was less abrasive and not as confrontational as usual. While Kelce and Rafe would keep up with their usual shenanigans, Topper was more in the back of it all – he still uttered nonsense towards your group so as to make it seem he was still in the fight but none of it had any meaning to it. The more he saw you, the more he didn’t want to keep up with the rivalry. You felt the same way, though the thought of him liking you was unimaginable as your sister’s voice rang in your head any time your eyes met with Topper’s.  Your thoughts convinced you that your sister fancied him, and he fancied her. But the Pogues could tell otherwise by his lingering looks your way and the sorrow etched on his face whenever his friends began their tormenting. 

Your friends figured out pretty quickly that you had it bad for the Kook, as JJ had mistakenly made a comment about your sister and Topper being together one day, even though none of them really knew for sure, but they assumed that’s what Topper’s changed behavior was about. The deflation on your face was pretty obvious as you excused yourself from the group that night and hastily went to sleep. It was then that Pope had spoken up, “Should we let her know we’re on to them?” he questioned. “Both of them are crushing on one another but no one has the guts to come forward,” Pope exclaimed. “Now, where is the fun in that?” JJ offered. “You know Y/N thinks he has it bad for her sister, she’s never going to fess up to him. I say we do something about it.” The group knew JJ had a point but nonetheless it took some convincing to get the others to meddle.

A few days later and currently you were sitting next to the water at one of the many Boneyard parties your friends liked to throw. There were voices all around you, but it was white noise compared to the sound of the waves crashing onto the surface. Unbeknownst to you, your friends had just finished talking Topper into coming over to you to start up a conversation with you, while they stood opposite to observe the interaction.

You hadn’t realized someone was standing behind you until they lightly cleared their throat then spoke a gentle “Hey” towards you. You pursed your lips but politely responded with a hello of your own. He was quiet for a moment but then continued, “It’s really nice, isn’t it? The sound of the waves, I mean.” The small talk wasn’t making you feel any better about your silly crush on him. “Um yeah, it’s nice,” you gracefully stood up from your position. “I’m going to go get some water, I think Layla is around here somewhere,” you mused softly. “Wai-“ but before he could ask you to wait up, you had already disappeared into the crowd of people.

Topper’s eyes landed on your friends, a questionable look on his features. While your friends all agreed that they loved you, they felt that sometimes you could be very dense. Of course they meant it in the nicest way possible but this situation was only proving their point. Kie mouthed a silent “I’m sorry” Topper’s way before turning to the others to see about another plan. “I think it’s time for Plan B,” she smirked before explaining their next move in operation.

The next afternoon you had received a text from Kie instructing you to meet the group at her family’s restaurant. What you didn’t know was that they were currently setting up a table for just you and Topper, their Plan B to finally get the two of you together.

When you arrived inside The Wreck, the first thing you noticed was a small table with a candle sitting in the middle, the flame casting  shadows on the tablecloth. The second thing you noticed was the figure that was currently occupying the table: Topper. The timing in which your friends asked you to meet them and the timing in which Topper was there waiting on someone was unbelievable. You couldn’t believe your friends had asked you to meet them the same time Topper was going on a date with someone, someone who you assumed was your sister.

When your eyes landed on Topper, you let out an inaudible gasp and hesitantly turned away. You had just taken a few steps when you heard his voice behind you. “Where do you think you’re going?” His word choice was harsh, but his tone gentle. You squeaked out a quiet ‘what do you mean?’ before turning yourself back around to face him. “I just mean, you walk away from me every time I try to talk to you,” he responded, running his hand through his hair nervously. You bit your lip, unsure on how to answer him. “I don’t want to get my hopes up,” you finally uttered. “And besides, you have Layla to keep you company,” you countered, your voice a tad harder than you meant for it to be at the mention of your sister’s name.

The expression on his face was blank before his eyes narrowed.  “Wait, why are you so jealous of Layla?” Your shoulders shrugged. “I wouldn’t say I’m jealous, it’s just she’s so much prettier than I am,” you confessed, “she’s beautiful and she’s confident. She’s experienced, and fun, and I’m none of that,” you went on, your voice breaking at the end.

As you finished your sentence, your friends had made their way into the restaurant to see how things were going… which was clearly not what they had expected. They stayed in the sidelines though, watching to see where things were going to go.

He always knew you were timid, but he didn’t think you would be so insecure. To him you were so much more different than any one he had met on the island before. You were beautiful in your own way, kind, and caring. There was more to you than any girl he had encountered, and probably more than anyone he would ever encounter in the future, and he didn’t even know you to your fullest extent yet.

“I don’t want her though, Y/N, I want you. You make me feel… you make feel. And I hate it. I hate that someone I don’t fully know can make me feel this way, but I like you, Y/N. Not Sarah Cameron or any other girl, or even Layla, but you. You are the best kind of different there is and it’s unimaginable how you don’t see that,” he ranted on. You were quiet for a moment, soaking in the words he had just told you. You couldn’t believe that he felt this way about you, always assuming he was interested in your sister by the things she had told you. Now you felt kind of foolish to be jealous when you didn’t even have his side until now. “I’m sorry,” you whispered. “I had no idea,” you confessed, a small smile forming on your lips. He brought his hand up towards your face and lightly brushed your cheek, nearing your lips, with the pad of his thumb. “It’s okay, you had no idea,” he agreed, a goofy grin adorning his features. You closed your eyes for a few moments at his soft touch, then opened them, only to be met with his.

“Do you want to kiss as bad as I do right now?” he spoke up, a light chuckle. You smiled and nodded your head, “absolutely.”

He was slow in leaning in and when your lips finally met, nothing but lightness enamored your thoughts.  Everything about this was right, and good. You and Topper were right, and good.

As the two of you finished, you both couldn’t help but giggle wholeheartedly at what just happened. And behind you, you had heard an array of reactions. There were some hoot and hollers, a couple of awes, and of course a gagging sound made by the one and only JJ. You playfully rolled your eyes at him over Topper’s shoulder.

“So, should we proceed with the date that that your friends set up for us?” he wriggled his eyebrows as he turned his attention towards the table that was still empty waiting for you two. With that, you let him lead the way and he even pulled out your chair for you.

The two of you sat there for hours, discussing anything and everything about one another. You learned there was more to Topper than just the rich party boy who desperately wanted to fit in, especially with Rafe and Kelce. Sometimes he could do or say dumb things, but he was a good person. Furthermore, even though he knew you were a genuine person, he learned that that was what you were through and through. It wasn’t a façade, and he admired you even more than before. The two of you realized how well you could balance each other out, and how much of a good thing you two were about to become.

[roxa-sos]

heaven's gate, part one - grief and her rich friends. (john b routledge)

john b routledge x reyna lance

tw; alcohol, teenage drinking, kissing + reference to it leading to sex towards the end

part one; reyna lance, born and raised in the outer banks, deals with grief in an unusual way.

a/n -- uh reyna is rich girl chaos. i love her too much.

×××

grief is weird when your family has money.

on one hand, you're probably looking at a big sum of money and access to a fund that whoever's dead left for you. that's a plus. on the other side, you just lost someone you were close to. but you can never be too close to anyone when you've got power over half of an island.

reyna lance. sixteen year old rich girl from figure eight. daughter of sean and tyra lance. she was only known for three major things - her dad's porsche, her messy breakups, and her alcohol problem.

problems were constant in the lance family. from tax evasion to fucking with stocks, it seemed like every other month it looked like sean lance was going to jail. he never did, though, which was quite the accomplishment, but expected with his kind of funds. everyone always thought that it would be jailtime that drew him away from the island. like always, though, he surprised the residents of the outer banks.

"reyna!" her mother called from the bottom of the staircase, banging on the railing to get her attention. her actions dragged the girl out of her room, in shorts, a tube top and some layer that resembled a kimono. "you can't hide from sean like this."

the girl groaned, throwing her head back before she leaned over the side of the staircase. she could technically hide from her dad for as long as she wanted, they had multiple properties, boats, cars, it would take a considerable amount of time for him to find her. nevertheless, she had to listen to her mom. it was hard saying no to that woman.

"you can't hide from sean like this," she echoed in a mocking tone, looking down at her mom.

tyra beckoned her down with her hand, crossing her arms. "your father told you an hour ago that we needed to talk as a family. that doesn't mean you hide away like a hermit, sweetie."

"okay, i'm here now. you want to talk?" reyna asked, taking her time as she climbed down the stairs to talk to her mother.

"your dad's in the kitchen. come on." with that statement, her mom turned her back on the girl and walked down the hall. this left reyna considering going back upstairs, but if her parents were so desperate to talk to her, she figured she may as well give them the time of day.

so, she followed her mother, trailing a few feet behind her after hurrying down the rest of the stairs.

upon entering the kitchen, she caught sight of a woman sitting at the kitchen table, her father leaning on the table next to her. "what is it now, dad, trouble with the IRS or some shit?" reyna asked, hardly looking at her dad while she grabbed a water bottle from the fridge.

"can you take this seriously, please?" her mother hissed at her, causing reyna to do a double take. her mom was usually a fairly passive aggressive person. she didn't yell, she didn't take disciplinary action, she just got frustrated with people. and disappointed, her favorite phrase was that she "wasn't sad, just disappointed." so the new tone of voice got reyna's attention.

"yeah... yeah," the girl trailed off, closing the fridge, facing her parents from where she stood. "so what's going on?"

"baby," her father finally spoke up, taking a few steps towards her. "i'd love it if you could meet karissa." he gestured to the woman at the table. she was blonde, young, and she looked professional.

"alright, uh, hi, then?" reyna shrugged, providing nothing more than a wave for the blonde.

"she's my... girlfriend."

reyna's father's words caused her jaw to drop. literally. reyna never thought that she'd be in a situation that would physically cause her jaw to drop, but there she was, staring at her father's... mistress? from across the kitchen, completely dumbstruck.

"i told you to ease her into it," tyra spat, obviously angry with the man.

"you're growing up, you know? i think you deserve to know when your dad's gonna be out of your life," sean ignored reyna's mother, trying to get into his daughter's line of sight to keep her attention.

reyna's parents were always rocky. she didn't have a fantastic relationship with her dad, and she always joked about how she'd choose her mom's side in the divorce, but she didn't actually think that a divorce was ever going to happen, especially considering how tyra was more of a trophy wife than a working one. "what are you talking about?" reyna started interrogating the man in front of her, shaking her head as if she didn't understand it.

"your mother and i are splitting up. it's mutual-" he began, before being interrupted by his apparent ex-wife.

"it's over karissa," she interjected before letting reyna's father continue.

"mutual. we fell out of love. you've always said that you wanted to stick with your mom, so i figured that it was just easier to relinquish custody." he continued, explaining his thinking as if it was going to make any sense to his teenage daughter.

reyna stood there for a few moments, eyebrows furrowed as she stared at her dad. 

"i know it's not immediate, but we'll be in court for the next few weeks sorting things out. okay? it's for the best that you're sticking with tyra. you two are good." sean clapped his hands once he was done speaking, not expecting a response from reyna. "good. good, we've cleared the air. saying that, you both have my number, i'll be staying at the other place until i officially move out. that's alright?"

"yeah, dad, that's alright." maybe it was shock, or maybe she'd just accepted it, but reyna didn't seem to be phased by a divorce being dumped in her lap.

reyna tended to be... insensitive. was she an asshole? kind of, actually, but not nearly as much as a majority of the kooks. but did she understand healthy relationships? hardly, and that was all thanks to the people getting a divorce. so maybe it was acceptance after all, because she never really saw them working out. 

"is that it?" she asked, looking at the adults in the room. tyra looked a little shocked to see the girl so done with the conversation, but she nodded carefully.

"that's it, but-"

"alright, cool, uh, you guys can do whatever, i'll be back later." she nodded, quickly backing out of the kitchen. 

she had a feeling in the pit of her stomach that she didn't understand at all. anger? she was pissed at her dad for being a whore when he was married and had a kid. sad? she was sad about... losing him? sure. there was something else there, though, and she couldn't figure it out.

and she wouldn't figure it out, at least, she didn't think she would. it was almost nine in the evening, and she was sure that there had to be at least one rager on the island on that fine friday night. it was the outer banks, there was a party somewhere every night, you just had to know where to look. usually reyna went to parties with friends. it was how you stayed safe, how you had a designated driver, and how you had fun. though, reyna wasn't looking for anything other than to get wasted and evict whatever feeling was overtaking her body.

so, instead of heading back to her room, she headed out to the garage. nothing like pulling up in your dad's porsche to wherever you were going. she got into the driver seat and pulled out her phone, and based on a few snapchat stories, it was easy to deduct that where she needed to go to get wasted was the boneyard, for a good old kegger.

it took her less than twenty minutes to get there, and she could've done it in ten if she hadn't pulled over to scream. screech at the top of her lungs, frustrated because she felt stuck. nevertheless, she got there, shoving the keys in her back pocket before finding her way to the crowd of people. a bonfire, a keg, and all different kinds of teens were scattered around the beach. with these different kinds of teens, she ultimately was able to spot one of her best friends.

"lance, never texted me back about the party, but you still showed up to it?" topper thornton referred to reyna by her last name as she greeted him with a disappointing shrug.

"you know i love leaving you on read," she joked, taking a cup of beer he offered to her. "is sarah around?" she asked about his girlfriend, not seeing the kook princess by his side.

"yeah, she's somewhere. you know, being sarah cameron." he rolled his eyes and sighed. reyna knew all about the girl just through topper himself, and not that reyna hated sarah... just that she was definitely topper's friend before she was hers. "did you steal your dad's car?" he asked, a hint of astonishment in his voice. 

reyna shrugged once more, a little smug smile on her face that time. "looking for new ways to piss him off." she admitted, gesturing to the vehicle. 

"well, when he kicks you out, i can probably sneak you into our guest bedroom." topper laughed, glancing down the beach. "you're kidding me, sarah's-" he began to explain before shouting her name once more and booking it down the beach. she was probably doing something dumb... being sarah cameron.

reyna clicked her tongue, swishing the beer around in the plastic cup she'd been given while nodding. "nice talk," she continued walking down the beach until she could spot some of the pogues, and took a drink to the fact that she had to see them. 

of course, she didn't get what she expected. she gagged on the alcohol, wincing at the taste. "holy fuck," she coughed, shaking her head.

"something wrong?" reyna heard a voice from beside her, and she could hardly bring herself out of her own disgust to look at the person it was coming from.

"yeah, this beer tastes like warm coors light, who serves warm coors light at a party?" she was half joking, but it was really bad. the guy standing next to her was hard to recognize from up close. he had somewhat long brown hair that was sticking out of the bottom of a baseball cap turned backwards. apparently he didn't have the time to button up his shirt all the way, so it sat open, two buttons holding it together towards his lower abdomen. of course, that made it hard for reyna to not stare at what was exposed. she brought her eyes to meet his, and saw a slight smile on his face as he looked down at her. 

"we do, i guess," he laughed, tilting his head to the side. he seemed surprised to hear her say something so... bold to him, but he brushed if off. "sorry for the shitty beer, then. i'm john b." he offered his hand for her to shake, and she took it out of habit. 

she recognized his name, and it was just her luck that he was one of those pogues. he had to be one of the most recognizable ones, now that she thought about it, but she'd never seen him face to face.

"reyna. reyna lance." she introduced herself in response, shaking his hand briefly before letting go. 

"oh, trust me, i know a lance when i see one," he nodded, letting her know that she didn't need to introduce herself.

"you do?" reyna asked, a little confused. she'd already managed to forget that the entire island knew her and her parents. even the kids from the cut, which they probably screwed over the most.

"yeah, i do," john b confirmed, taking the cup of beer from reyna's hand and downing it for her. "what i originally came over here to ask you is what you're doing alone at my party."

"we own parties now?" reyna laughed, raising an eyebrow at the boy. why was she alone? topper blew her off, of course, but she wasn't about to let john b in on her personal life. 

he rolled his eyes at her, his smile slightly growing. "whatever, i brought the beer, i own the party, you're just roaming around alone?" 

"just trying to get wasted, john b." reyna reassured him, patting his shoulder like they were old friends. it probably didn't help that he'd drank the rest of her beer, but she wasn't sure she could've finished the cup herself without throwing up.

"this, reyna, is what you should've said earlier." he immediately pointed out, motioning for her to wait a moment as he maneuvered through people to get to the keg. it didn't take him long to come back with another cup, earning a sour look from reyna. "don't look so bitchy, it's not warm coors light, just drink it." he handed her the cup, and resisting every muscle in her body that told her not to, she took a sip.

the drink burned the back of her throat, but that made her know it was strong.

"oh, wow," she coughed, blinking a few times. "wasting good alcohol on a kook?"

"looked like you needed it." john b said in response, arms crossed as he watched her take another sip. well, less of a sip, more of a chug. he had his own cup in his hand, hardly filled, but he matched her pace when he saw her continue to drink.

"shit, you're the best pogue i know," she breathed, half of the cup's contents having been consumed at that point.

"i better be," he responded briefly before returning to drinking, reyna following in pursuit. when he was done, he had to pinch the bridge of his nose and rub his eyes. "christ, our livers are shot."

"who gives a fuck about livers? as far as i'm concerned, i could die tomorrow night." reyna almost choked on her words by the time she was done with the cup, running her hand through her hair. 

"tomorrow night?" john b seemed a little surprised, but he went with it, "that doesn't give us a lot of time." 

"time to do what?" reyna shook her head, already feeling the alcohol taking its toll on her body.

he only shrugged, offering reyna the chance to answer that question herself.

"fuck it, then, i'm gonna go dance like i don't hate myself and then we'll see if i die." she shrugged, throwing her cup with as much force as possible towards the white trash bag that sat twenty feet away from them. it hardly made it in, but there were what looked like a hundred other cups scattered around the bag.

"have fun, then, i'm gonna go regret drinking this much," john b waved her away as reyna backed away from him and walked towards the music, leaving her to her own agenda.

it hardly took an hour for whatever had been in the plastic cup to really fuck reyna up. being wasted was an understatement by the time ten forty five rolled around. by then, people were dwindling. they'd run out of beer, so people had started to head home, or to other parties that were stocked.

reyna had to stick around, though, because the last thing she needed was to trash her dad's porsche, no matter how badly she wanted to do it. she said she was gonna die tomorrow night, not that night.

"still sticking around?" she heard that voice again, and turned once more to see john b right behind her.

"drunk driving is no joke, and i'm where you are, jb." reyna had already given him a nickname, acknowledging her unhealthy alcohol content.

john b laughed, looking reyna up and down. she was glistening with sweat from dancing and the heat, her hair was a mess, and when she smiled at him she had her bottom lip tucked between her teeth. he was just as wasted as she was, but he hid it a little better. "so, if i crash in the back of my van, you're there?"

reyna nodded, letting out a breath. she probably wouldn't have let herself get so lost if she wasn't trying to escape herself, but she didn't care about that anymore. honestly, as long as she could be anyone other than reyna lance for a little bit? life wasn't too bad, didn't matter if she was wasted or not.

and hanging with pogue boys didn't make her feel like a lance. "i'm there."

"good, because i can't leave you drunk and alone on this beach." he pointed out, moving his hand to her hip to keep her steady next to him. she was standing just fine, she was wasted, but not blackout drink. not embarrassingly drunk.

"i didn't expect you to be the kind of guy to leave drunk girls on the beach," reyna nodded as he walked her towards the van, which was a little further down the beach, away from her dad's car.

he could only laugh at her few comments, neither of them knowing why. even drunk, reyna didn't think she'd have a pogue laughing at her dumb jokes and comments. standing next to the van, her back to the door, he faced her, their eye contact overwhelmingly obvious to reyna.

his hands were still on her hips, and she gently rested her own hands on his shoulders in response. before she knew it, she'd pulled him towards her and crashed her lips onto his. he welcomed the kiss, pushing her up against the side of the van as she fumbled for the door handle to get it open. 

grief.

grief for whatever her life had been before? that was that feeling.

and grief made people do stupid things. 

taglist; @maebanks @dpaccione @outerbxrafe @jjbabyouterbanks @wtfstarkey

[claraxbarton]

MCU Bucky Barnes

So here’s the thing.

I’m a costume designer by trade, and one thing that I actually really love about Captain America: The Winter Soldier (okay, among the things I love) is the costume design and the rhetorical value given to the clothes and, well, costumes in this movie. 

For example - when Sam and Steve have their heart to heart on the bridge that ends with Sam saying “but he doesn’t even know you” and Steve saying “he will” before going to steal his old uniform - the one Bucky last saw him in when he was Bucky. There are some other great costume points in this movie, actually a LOT of them (costumes, not wigs, don’t at me because I KNOW).

But one thing that has always stood out to me, and not in a good way, is the “I’m with you til the end of the line” flashback.

Now, here’s the thing, it’s not JUST about the clothes. We’re in MCU verse, so it’s MCU canon - obviously, the Steve and Bucky duo is drastically different in Marvel comics canon so - and Bucky starts this scene by saying his folks wanted to give Steve a ride to the cemetery.

Which is super cool and nice. So one, we know Bucky’s dad is still alive - and his mom, but two, we know they have a car.

So this is supposed to be when Steve is around 16? So it’s... 1936 (according to MCU wiki it totally is)

So cars.

Crazy popular ever since they started having closed bodies and all that. BUT, were they crazy popular in CITIES in 1936? Especially in the middle of the Great Depression?

There’s some evidence that actually no, that car ownership in a city like NYC was something like 1 car per every 43 people. Then again, looking at the NYC.gov 2015 Mobility Report we see that the population of NYC in 1936 is something like 7.2 million, and the number of registered vehicles in 764,000... or roughly one per every 9.4-ish persons. Which is a pretty drastically different number. This doesn't, of course, account for taxis or fleet cars being registered - so the number might seem inflated. I still think it’s probably something closer to 1 car per every 20 than every 43 but... I’m too lazy to dig that much deeper at the moment. Plus I'm sick, which is fueling this in the first place.

So, anyway you slice it, Bucky’s family was in 11%, 5% or 2.33% of New Yorkers who own cars in 1936. Which says something, I think, about Bucky Barnes that we don’t always - ever? - think of in fandom.

I’m not going to say that Bucky Barnes was loaded. Maybe his family owned a garage or a grocery store or a delivery service or a funeral home...?? or something. So, the vehicle could be occupational as opposed to private usage - but either way it’s a statement. Bucky’s family has money and/or Bucky’s family has steady employment.

I’ve been there. I’ve read the fics where Bucky works at the docks to put Steve through art school and get him his medicine. I love those fics. I love that head canon.

But I... don’t think it’s realistic in light of some evidence showing us that, actually, Bucky wasn’t doing too badly for himself.

Let’s now actually look at CLOTHING. Here’s the whole scene via youtube, if you want to follow along with what is about to get RIDICULOUS.

Actually, before I dive in, who is the costumer for this movie? And should I be like... reading into all this as much as I am?

Judianna Makovsky - fellow New Jersey..Ian?ite?no clue - 3 time Oscar nominee and designer of 5 MCU films and a lot of other big budget movies, including quite a few period pieces dealing with issues of race and class (The Legend of Bagger Vance, Seabiscuit, The Little Princess.. and also like Harry Potter and The Quick and the The Dead.) So, should I have some faith in Judianna Makovsky’s designs? I’m gonna go with yeah, yeah I should. 

So, back to the movie. The scene.

This is post funeral. We’re in 1936. As a general rule, the dress, colors and style of mourning wear was pretty much formalized in the early Victorian era. There was a great - read PHENOMENAL - exhibit at the MET a few years back on Mourning-wear and I’m still reeling from how lovely everything was - but the gist of it is this: you wore black when someone died. If you were a lady, and especially if you were a rich lady, you then went through a few different colors (dull black to SHINY black to purple/mauve and gray and white and then back to color within six months to one year). By the 1930s only the really rich were sticking to the actual rules of mourning - or like, really old people. And, of course, really old rich people. Really old rich WHITE people. Because it needs to be said: these are WHITE customs. I'm not saying people of other ethnicities didn’t follow them, but these are basically British Victorian practices that were assimilated into American culture.

I’m not going to go off on a huge sidebar about American fashion following in French dressmaking and British tailoring, but I need to say at least that much. Everyone who was anyone knew you got your dresses made in France or in the French style and you got your suits made in England - Savile Row in specific. I am NOT implying Bucky’s got himself an English suit, fyi. I just... have to be thorough.

BACK TO THE SCENE:

We’ve got our boy Steve. STEVE. Who just buried Sarah Rogers and what is he wearing...?

For starters, he’s wearing a windbreaker, check out the 1933 ad below, he’s the guy almost giving us the Fonz finger gesture, or maybe guy in the fedora on the end.

This thing isn’t falling apart at the seams, but it’s a very nondescript not really gray, not really blue - maybe was at one point. It also doesn’t FIT Steve. It also, in the ad above, would cost about $165.40 in today’s money.

My guess? It’s Bucky’s old windbreaker. Because it’s not cheap and because it’s just a bit too big on Steve. 

He’s also wearing a shirt that is maybe tan? And a brown tie and maybe - MAYBE black trousers. And if those trousers are black, it’s the only black thing he’s wearing. Not even a black tie, or a black arm band (which I’m pretty sure - but also pretty aggressively atheist so I don’t know - the Catholic Church would have provided for chief mourners and pall bearers right?). We also have our depressing as all shit Depression surroundings to clue us in: Steve Rogers ain’t loaded. Steve Rogers is poor as dirt. Side note: boys. Hiding a key under the ONE FUCKING BRICK on a walkway is not like... a smart idea???

So we can guess a few things here, we can guess that Steve and Sarah were really struggling - this checks out with the rest of MCU canon (wearing newspapers stuffed in his shoes, even when he had nothing he had Bucky, etc.) - and that all money probably went towards Steve’s numerous ailments, food and then the TB medication or treatment, as it was, that was available to Sarah.

We can maybe guess that Steve and Sarah weren’t very religious -but I don’t feel qualified to impart anything except my own agenda here so I’m not taking that stance. But like, real talk, not even an arm band?? 

But, well, let’s move on to the point of this whole long ass thing anyway?

--

Then we go to Mr. Barnes, looking dapper AF. Also, hey, check out this ad from 1933 featuring... pretty much exactly what Bucky is wearing down to the god-damn two-tone shoes:

If you’re curious, yeah $24.98 in 1936 is $475.44. I'm not suggesting Bucky Barnes went out and bought a brand new suit for Steve’s mother’s funeral - for one thing, this ad is from 1933. BUT, that suit fits Bucky. Quite well, and it’s in good shape. He’s also sporting that super stylish mid-late 30s into 40s deeply angled collar shirt - as is our dude up in the ad - and so we know these clothes are at least new-ish. We also can see that the suit is definitely of the mid-30s moving into the boxy silhouette of the later 30s and early 40s and NOT the look of the 20s and early 30s, which has an almost bell-bottom fullness to the legs instead of our straight-leg here (though we can debate nuance if you want to hit up my DMs.)

I should note, Bucky’s shirt is not bright and pristine white - it’s kind of grayish? And I can’t tell if that’s supposed to be an old-timey sepia thing or an indication that Bucky can’t afford to... bleach a white shirt? So that’s an odd choice for sure because we’re still in an age when a crisp, white collar shirt means something (Hey, if you want to hear me go on about the democratization of men’s fashion via shirt collars and 19th century Victorian suits, let me know because I am READY).

All this is to say: I don’t think Bucky Barnes is a poor dock worker. I think Bucky Barnes of MCU canon. Okay, so the MCU wiki on Bucky/The Winter Soldier is an actual mess (because it tells us that Sarah died in 1936 and that’s FINE but I’m not going back to change my math because I’m SICK so just... I went back and changed it. She died in 1936. Fine. The damn wiki also says that “a year later, during their art class, Barnes and Rogers found out that the United States of America had joined World War II. Which, like, I’m sick, but there are a few years between 1936 and December 8 1941... just... I’m no rocket doctor but...

ANYWAY. Bucky is a three time YMCA welterweight boxing champion by this “year later”/ 1941-1942. He and Steve are also in an ART CLASS together. Bucky also trained Steve in boxing at Goldie’s gym before the two of them went to enlist - Steve rejected and Bucky, again quoting MCU wiki, “drafted” (which I'm gonna take to mean he didn’t try to enlist when Steve got rejected, they went home and Bucky got called up later but... hey, who knows?!).

So, I can’t easily find the prices of gym memberships in NYC in the 1930s right now because I don’t feel like wading through all of the articles complaining about Equinox pricing in 2019. But I do know that part of Roosevelt’s WPA (Works Progress Administration) building projects included building more public gyms - as well as libraries, auditoriums, pools, parks etc. Check out your local public buildings - if they are WPA projects they will have a cool plaque like my local NJ library does! All that is to say, there were free or very cheap PUBLIC options where Bucky could have trained Steve.

Bucky trained Steve in a private gym. Do I like to think that this is the same gym Steve and America’s ass are working out in in The Avengers? Yes, Yes I do. Do I like to think that Steve likes to box because it reminds him of Bucky? Yes, yes I do.

But moving on: it’s another sign of wealth.

So is this “art class.” Whether we are in 1937 or 1941 - we’re still in the Depression. Steve still has all of his health issues and presumably accompanying “medication” (wanna talk 1930s medicine? Again, slide into my DMs or shoot me an ask). So Steve either has a side job making enough to cover all of that, rent? and enrollment in an art class.

OR maybe Steve is teaching the art class and Bucky is his model for life drawing instruction (yeah, it’s a fic bunny I’m sharing with the world).

OR maybe... Bucky is paying the rent and other things or Steve is living with Bucky and can afford the class and meds... somehow or...

OR I'm not saying that Steve is Bucky’s kept man because Steve Rogers would punch anyone who dared to say such a thing.

All I’m saying is, Bucky Barnes was not a poor dude. Bucky Barnes... had some money.

And also I’m about to be late for my doctor’s appointment so I gotta run.

At me with your thoughts!

[venusloveslobotomies]

Pyromania (Bucky x Reader) 8

   Summary: (Winter Soldier-Endgame Insert) You’re an enhanced HYDRA agent who negotiated her way out of being a weapon. You’re now the nurse/ aid of the Winter Soldier. You end up escaping with him and follow him in and out of danger while slowly developing feelings for each other.   Words: 3000+ (approx)   Chapter: 8/?   Part 7

  When I wake up, I’m on the ground somewhere. I sit up way too quickly and I almost pass out again immediately. Some kind of warehouse or… something. I remember falling and hitting the water and then… nothing. Behind me someone moves and I spin around, only to find Bucky waking up. His arm is caught in a sort of vice.   I move forwards and wrap my hands around his face, muttering apologies in Russian. His free hand traps mine there. I press my lips softly to his forehead. He starts trying to get up and I hear Sam’s voice for a moment and then footsteps. I turn around and see Rogers and Wilson approaching us cautiously. 

   “Steve,”    “Which Bucky am I talking to?” He’s clearly uneasy.    “Your mom’s name was Sarah,” He pauses before chuckling, “You used to wear newspapers in your shoes,”    “Can’t read that in a museum,” Steve smirks a bit.    “Just like that, we’re supposed to be cool?”    “I dropped him,” The two men look to me, “Used the fail-safe. It’s not even written down in his files. Say a word, he drops unconscious and switches out of it,” They nod but still seem unsure.    “What did I do?” Bucky manages to get out.    “Enough,”    “Oh god. I knew this would happen,” His voice breaks a little and so does my heart, “Everything HYDRA put inside me is still there. All he had to do is say the goddamn words,”    “Who was he?”    “I don’t know,”    “The bombing, the setup… The doctor did all that just to get 10 minutes with you. I need you to do better than ‘I don’t know’”    “Hey! Ok. That’s enough. Give him a fucking break!” I stand up.    “N/N, don’t,”    “He’s been through hell and back. He wakes up and you’re already interrogating him. Maybe back off a little!” My voice has been rising in volume and I find myself standing directly in front of Steve, “I’m not scared of you. And unlike my soldier, I don’t have any issues with hurting you to deal with you!”    “Y/N, stop,” I whirl around, “He’s just trying to help us,” I huff, debating whether it was worth punching his face but decide against it and march back to Bucky’s side and crouch beside him, “He wanted to know about Siberia. Where I was kept. He wanted to know exactly where,”    “Well, fuck,” I mutter quietly. Only one reason anyone would want to go there.    “Why would he need to know that?”    “Because I’m not the only Winter Soldier,”

  Watching Soldat train was certainly not my favorite activity. It was stressful and I disliked the other supersoldiers. One in particular was very aggressive.   Today was no exception. The rest of the nurses and I stood by on benches next to our soldiers. I stood with Konstantinov, Soldat’s current handler. Watching a pair of them compete in hand-to-hand, I bounced slightly on my toes. Soldat gave me a look but I ignored him.   I was getting nervous as Soldat started to spar with the angry one. I held my breath as they fought. The other one managed to get a grip on his arm and then kicked him across the room. He landed next to me after hitting the wall.    “You’ll have to do better,” Konstantinov scoffed, “Good work,” He directed towards the other one.   I bent down and pressed my palm to his cheek before he stood up. While the other one’s nurse took his heart rate, he slammed the poor guy onto the ground after breaking his arm.   One of the guards hit him with a stick but it hardly did anything. Konstantinov cocked his gun, “Soldat, get me out of here,” I followed them out of the room while the other soldiers turned on the guards and the nurses. We ended up in a safe part of the facility while the others were sedated.

   “Who were they?”    “Their most elite death squad. More kills than anyone in HYDRA history,”     “And that was before the serum,” I add, shaking my head.    “They all turn out like you?” Sam seemed edgy now,    “Worse,”     “The doctor,” Steve asked, “Could he control them?”    “Enough,”    “Said he wanted to see an empire fall,”     “With these guys he could do it,” I stand up, “They speak 30 languages, can hide in plain sight, infiltrate, assassinate, destabilise. They can take a whole country down in one night, you’d never see them coming. We were taught the same things too, the enhanced,”    “This would have been a lot easier a week ago,” Sam says to Steve.   They release his arm from the vice, still talking.    “If we call Tony-”    “No, he won’t believe us,”    “Even if he did, who knows if the Accords will let him help?” I turn my focus back to Bucky, who’s trying to calm down again. I run my fingers through his hair and remind him to breathe.   We end up in a really old car, squished in. We were flown to Germany for whatever reason. I’ve relaxed my head against Bucky’s shoulder and when we stop I see that blue-haired girl, Selene, step out of a different car to meet Steve.   After a few minutes of chatting and what-not, they kiss and I smile a bit. Steve seems nice, I can understand why she’s into him. Yeah, he’s pretty but he’s not my Soldat.   He tosses his shield and something else in the back before we drive to the airport.

  We park and get out. I’m on high alert, definitely not liking the parking lot. We meet a man and a young woman climbing out of a white van. They greet Steve while Buck and I lean on the car.   I run my hands over his face softly, knowing a fight is coming. He leans his head into it and my heart skips a beat. I touch his cheekbones, the tip of his nose, his lips. I sigh a little before dropping my hands to my side.   I focus on another guy who’s stepped out. He seems… Weird. I shrug it off and the girl waves at me. I wave back but jump a little when Bucky says loudly,    “We should get moving,”     “We’ve got a chopper lined up,” The first guy tells us. Over the intercom, a voice tells passengers to evacuate in German.    “They’re evacuating the airport,” I say thoughtfully. That’s not good.    “Stark,” Sam sighs.    “Suit up,” Steve instructs everyone. Bucky and I don’t exactly have much so he pulls on the leather jacket from our bag that Selene retrieved and I yank on the harness and my fireproof long sleeve and make do with my baggy jeans. I grip his hands while he mentally prepares himself to fight. 

 Steve runs out alone to the helicopter but is quickly intercepted by Iron Man. Cool. This will go down well. I keep count as more arrive. Another ‘Iron Man’ who arrived with Stark. The same one who stopped us in Romania. The man in the cat suit who I now know as King T’Challa. Natasha and another girl with pink hair. Some strange younger boy in a suit. He takes Steve’s shield with some sticky web stuff. I’m not a fan of that.   I move to sit with Wilson and Bucky while they scout for their Quinjet. Sam finds it quickly enough and lets Rogers know.   Immediately Lang and Barton initiate combat and the three of us start sprinting towards the jet. The kid hits the window as we’re running.    “What the hell is that?” I laugh at Bucky’s face, a mixture of confusion and horror.     “Everyone’s got a gimmick now,” Sam rolls his eyes and runs faster. I know he’s struggling to keep up with our pace. I find it difficult already to slow down enough for Bucky, let alone a normal person.   The kid busts through the window and kicks Sam. Hard. I skid to a stop and Bucky turns around to punch him but the spider-kid catches it.    “You have a metal arm? That is awesome, dude!” Ok, that’s disturbing. How did he not go flying? I can see Bucky trying to work that out as well before Sam grabs the kid and continues to fly through the airport.   I’m still standing there when Bucky practically throws me over his shoulder and starts running again.     “Put me down, suka!” I hit his back but he still keeps a grip on me. He does drop me a few seconds later though and flings a huge chunk of… something at the kid. He pulls me behind a pillar. He looks back to check if he hit.    “Hey buddy, I think you lost this!” The hunk of metal comes flying back at us and Bucky throws himself on top of me. I shove him off, ready to set the kid on fire when Sam starts fighting him again.   Bucky grabs my harness and starts dragging me. I see Wilson hit the floor and then get stuck to a railing. Bucky seems to forget he’s got me in tow when he flings himself in front of Sam to protect him from the kid kicking him. We all hit the ground and I’m momentarily unaware of what happens. I see Bucky’s metal arm trapped to the ground with more of that nasty web stuff but I’m too dizzy for it to make much sense.     “You couldn’t have done that earlier?”    “I hate you,” Wilson groans. I sit up but I’m overcome by a wave of nausea. Fuck. I’m definitely concussed. I know I can push through the effects of it but for the moment I just sit there, trying to hang on to whatever remains in my stomach.    “Sunny? Sunshine? Y/N!” I jolt and realise Bucky’s been yelling at me. I wave my hand before jumping up and throwing up somewhere behind a wall.    “I’m good. Let’s get out of here,” I groan. Now that that’s done, I’ll be fine. Bucky’s not having any of it though. He holds his hand out and I begrudgingly allow him to hoist me onto his back, “You’re slow enough without me,” I grumble.    “I lift 400 pounds. You’re nothing,” We start running again and make it outside, meeting Steve and the others. We stop abruptly when some floating figure cuts a line in front of us. Great! Another issue.     “Captain Rogers. I know you believe what you’re doing is right but for the collective good, you must surrender now,” I slide off of Bucky’s back.    “What do we do, Cap?” Wilson mutters.    “We fight,” We all move forward to meet them, jogging, then breaking into a run.   I lock eyes with the pink-haired girl. I meet her and get a good grip on her, trying to wrap my arms around her neck. I’m aware of Bucky on my right, locked in battle with T’Challa. She’s really good at hand-to-hand combat though, and definitely stronger than me. My agility makes me a good match though, and we lose and gain position often. Her fight pattern is uncomfortably familiar and I can’t help but wonder why I recognize it. She jerks away quickly when I grab her hands, which have gripped my harness. I feel their heat and I know I can’t control it for much longer. I use that to backsault out of it and run towards Bucky.   He gets thrown into the side of a box and is clearly winded. T’Challa moves to strike him and I put all my energy into sprinting into him. I slam into his whole body and send him flying. Wanda, the girl who waved at me in the car park, catches him with her weird magic stuff and throws him through a plane tunnel. I salute her before yanking Bucky to his feet.   He’s a little bit out of it so I use all my strength to pull him along, as fast as I can go. Steve meets us and we stop for a moment.    “We gotta go. That guy’s probably in Siberia by now,” He’s panting. Hard.    “We gotta draw out the flyers,” Steve responds.    “I’ll take Vision, you get to the jet,”    “No, you get to the jet. The three of you,” Sam calls in over the comms. Clint agrees.    “Alright, Sam, what’s the play?”     “We need a diversion. Something big,” I consider sending myself to a plane or one of the buildings to blow it up.    “Don’t,” Buck grips my wrist so hard I think for a moment he might break it,   “You’re not playing kamikaze again,” I nod, but still consider it.    “I got something kinda big, but I can’t hold it very long,” Lang says over the comms, “On my signal, run like hell. And if I tear myself in half, don’t come back for me,”    “He’s gonna tear himself in half?” Bucky shakes his head. We all wait for a moment.   Lang transforms until he’s huge. Like. Bigger than the planes, “You go ahead. We can catch up,” Buck breathes in my ear. I almost shake my head but the look he gives me scares me a little. And that’s saying something. I nod but quickly press my lips to his.     “Run fast,” I whisper.    “I guess that’s the signal,” Rogers is still staring at Scott.   I take off running, knowing no one will catch me. I don’t look back, no matter how much I want to. I hear burning behind me and realise I’m running on flaming feet. That might be cool and all, if it was because of how fast I was running. But the truth is simply that I’m upset and worried about my Soldat.   I reach the jet and skid to a stop. I try to put out the flames but I’m getting myself more and more worked up the more I try to extinguish them.     “Fuck, fuck, fuck!” I stamp my feet. My hands are also burning.   I hear a crashing and see a building coming down over the entrance to the hangar. I rush to reach Steve and Bucky, who are just about to reach me when it stops. Wanda is holding it, barely. Something happens and she has to let it go but Steve and Bucky make it in. I fling myself at my soldier and his arms wrap tightly around me, picking me up and carrying me into the jet. My feet and hands must’ve gone out.   Steve starts it up and we fly out of the hangar. Bucky collapses to the ground, still holding me so hard I can hardly breathe. I don’t care though and knot my fingers into his hair.      “Breathe, doll. You need to breathe,” He whispers into my ear as I fight down sobs. I’m not sure why I’m so upset now. Of all the times to be upset. I must look insane, my eyes are wide, staring straight into his. It’s the sight of those striking blue eyes that make my heart flutter.   His hand reaches for my face and I allow him to brush back my hair and stroke my cheek. I calm down enough to feel us speed up. We must have Stark and the other guy on our tail. Bucky settles himself in a seat and straps himself in. I sit on his lap and try to calm the anxiety in my chest.   We fly for an hour before I start to relax. I find a first aid kit and deal with Bucky’s cuts. I make a fuss over the tiniest things and he allows me. Normally he’d brush me off and try to make me sit down but he must think it’s better to allow himself to be fussed over again. I finally finish and my hands are still shaking.   Why I’m on edge, I’m not sure.

Bucky

  “Kang Y/N,” She freezes, startled at the use of her full name. She locks eyes with Bucky, “You are going to be fine,” He knows that it’s because they’re returning to Siberia. To where both of them were held against our will. She shakes her head and sits down across from him, “What’s going to happen to your friends?”    “Whatever it is…” Steve’s voice breaks a little, “I’ll deal with it,”    “I don’t know if I’m worth all this, Steve,” He sighs. She exhales and buries her face in her hands.    “What you did all those years. It wasn’t you,” Steve is quiet when he says it but there’s a weight behind his words, “You didn’t have a choice,”    “I know. But I did it,” She stands up.    “Shut up,” Bucky opens his mouth but snaps it shut when he sees her face. It’s dark, her eyes are filling with tears, “Don’t even fucking… Just. Don’t,” She’s been on edge since the airport and this conversation isn’t helping. She walks to sit on the floor of the jet, towards the back.   He moves to sit next to Steve.    “She really cares about you,” His voice is hushed.    “I guess,”     “Don’t give me that,” He rubs his eyes, “She wouldn’t be here right now if she didn’t. I see the way she looks at you. It’s… A lot. The way she hovers over you, fusses about your injuries, always ends up back at your side. I’ve never seen anyone like that before,” Bucky considers his words for a moment.   After HYDRA and SHIELD. After the crash. She was there, obviously looking for him. She came with him, knowing she’d be killed if they were caught. The way she fought to stay by his side after they were taken from Romania.   According to Steve, she’d jumped right off the roof for him. She’s always been like that though. It’s always been… Y/N and Bucky. He’d never really considered it until now.     “Do you think she…”    “I’m not blind, Buck. She kissed you. That’s not just a friend thing,” He smirks at Bucky. He looks back over at her. She’s clearly still nursing a headache and God knows what other effects of a concussion. Her head rests in her hands as she sits on the floor.   He knows he felt his heart skip a beat when she kissed him. It always does when she touches him. He’d always just put it down to the fact that every other instance of physical contact in his life had been violent.    But maybe it was something else…

[starchild--27]

10 songs obsession

rules: list 10 songs you’ve been listening to the most / you’re being obsessed with

ok, first of all, a big thank you to @jongin-be-my-jagi and @kiseokris who both tagged me for doing this or a similar tag game about naming 10 songs. and i’m a little sad i didn’t have the chance to do this earlier but goodness life is stressful right now and i wanted to do this properly - like a recommandation list with links and what i love about the song / what i connect with it - to make myself happy again ... and what could be more effective for making me happy than my favourite music ^^

so here i go, pls enjoy these pieces of my heart, of who i am<3

1.  My December - by Linkin Park

Lately one of my most heared songs because I can’t wait for winter to come. To me, it really sounds like December, like having nothing to call home anymore, like regret and sadness and loneliness. I love Linkin Park when they do all the aggressive stuff but this heavy calmness suits them so well to and gives me chills. Also: Rest In Peace, Chester, I’ve thought about you everyday recently.   

2. hostage - by Billie Eilish

This song reflects how I think being in this odd state where you know that the other is kinda in love with you too but you’re not a couple yet feels like. It has something hesitant and inexperienced to its sound and the lyrics feel so intimate to me. I can imagine my first relationship feeling like this song. And I love how they play with acoustic and electronic instruments here, the heavy bass really catches me.

3. Lieblingsbeatle - by Sarah Lesch

For all my non-German readers, a little piece of German music. The title means “Favourite Beatle” as in your favourite member of The Beatles. The main part says “You ask for my favourite Beatle and I don’t know what to say. Because you are my favourite Beatle - and your not even in the band!” And I just love this thought: loving somebody so much that they become your favourite member of a group you like when they aren’t even part of the group. It’s so cute and I’m a little salty that I didn’t think of this metaphor myself. xD

4.  Sail Away With Me - by Sunrise Avenue

Sunrise Avenue was the first band I really really hyped (I went to three concerts within three years) and this song is a rather unknown one from their second album which was the least popular actually. But I love the lyrics and its meaning and the melody. Listening to it (which I do quite often these days) brings me back to the third and last Sunrise Avenue concert I went to, where they played a best off selection of all their songs with a huge orchestra, back to the moment I realized they were going to play this song even though it's not a popular one. It was just beautiful.

5. You Can’t Rely - by Counterfeit (also: It Gets Better)

This is my absolute favourite song of this group - I can never get enough of it!!! NEVER!!! Really, I love the tension it holds and the raging feeling, a kind of helplessness and also faithlessness. But the special thing about this band is that they are all SUPER positive. I went to their concert this summer and usually punk bands are quite aggressive and full of rage on-stage - like their music is - but they gave off so many positive vibes and contentness, not in a boring way, it was still very energetic, but it was still different than you would imagine after hearing their music. On this concert they also played the second song I linked (I know... it’s about ten songs only... anywayyy...), which has a very beautiful message I want to pass on to you in case you’re feeling down.

6. The Sufferer - by Paradise Lost

I think this song sums up my “bad days/nights” quite well, when I feel insecure and anxious and somehow try to get it down to paper - sometimes I just feel like I could write these exact words. Other than that, it’s a song my Dad showed to me and also the first song by that group I could sing along better than him, who knows this group for ... well, longer than I do, definitely. My Mom laughed at that when she noticed. xD 

7. moonchild - by RM

Aaaand here we are in the K-Pop part of this list. I don’t really stan BTS that much, but my sister does and she showed that song to me and I instantly loved it. Again, it’s the message behind it that I love most and, honestly, it sounds just beautiful, everything about it, Namjoon’s rapping, the autotune in the chorus, ... everything is on point here. Also, yeessss Namjoon would be my bias in BTS but I only know them from their English fails (they are so cute xDD) so how would I know (but I think my sister would’ve said Namjoon too if she’d have to choose a bias for me).

8. Heart Attack - by EXO-K and EXO-M

APPRECIATE THE EXO-M VERSION I DIDN’T PUT THE LINK THERE FOR NOTHING, thanks. Now that I made my love for EXO-M clear, I can write about Heart Attack. It was actually one of the first songs by EXO I’ve heard when I was a teeny-tiny Baby EXO-L and I’ve loved it instantly (it has a huge revival recently). As far as I can remember it was the first time for EXO to use hearable autotune which fits the song sooo much. I love the intro and the lyrics and I hate how little lines Kris has in that one. Still, I wish EXO could bring this song back on stage (also Let Out The Beast btw) - I could really imagine it as an acoustic version at this point. Sooo SM employees... if one of you reads this... just an idea........

9. Sing For You - by EXO

I’m never not obsessed with Sing For You. It’s basically in every song tag I ever did, that’s how important this song is to me. I just love the concept of expressing feelings with music, probably because this is what I do all the time. Music is really my language for any emotion at this point. So of course the idea of someone singing for you to tell you what they feel brought tears to my eyes the first time I heard this utterly beautiful song.  

10. Nothing Else Matters - by Metallica

And here’s the other song I never stop being obsessed about. I think I said it multiple times already, but I will say it again: This song is the definition of love for me. This is how I expect love to be like, to feel like, to sound like. About the lyrics, they are very intimate and vulnerable, as if somebody opened themselves for someone else with these words. And don’t get me started about the music itself. GOD THIS IS SO GOOD. The amount of beautiful guitar parts is just right, the intro sounds so soft and calm while the music gets heavier and heavier throughout the song. And it’s so amazing how James Hetfield’s voice can do both in one song too. Still, if I ever get married, this song will be the one I to marry to.

wow. we are at the end. i did it and i love this list ^^

now i want to tag everybody who feels like doing this <3

[pageturnersblog]

We are excited to be one of today’s stops on The Summer Set by Aimee Agresti Blog Tour.  Thanks to  Graydon House Books for the review copy and including us on this tour.

The Summer Set is a fun “beach” read. It reminds me a lot of the rom-com movies of the recent past like Leap Year and When in Rome. Charlie, our dashing staring lady, has a storied past and as you read on, is just fun, someone you’d want to call your best friend. She’s obviously a little broken, and has some things to work on, but her journey is one I’m along for the ride on. 

The story follows her to a summer theatre festival where she performed at early in her career, and it’s now run by her ex, Nick, who directed her breakout theatre performance at this very festival and later, movie. She is part of the professional company doing three Shakespeare plays throughout the summer. The professional company is also joined by some younger apprentices, learning the different crafts of theatre.  I love that two of the apprentices also get POV moments in the story, mirroring Nick and Charlie. This what a little confusing to follow at first (probably because of the eARC formatting), but once I really got into the story, it was fun to see the big moments from the point of view of our younger, soon to be stars. 

Also, if you are wondering why Aimee’s name sounds so familiar to YA readers, her first book was ILLUMINATE, the first book in the Gilded Wings Trilogy.

Thank you Graydon House Books for the provide author Q&A with Aimee. 

Q: Please give your elevator pitch for The Summer Set.

A: Gladly! THE SUMMER SET is a romp about a former Hollywood It Girl—Charlie Savoy—who flamed out, left the film world and now is almost 40 and back at the summer Shakespeare theater where she got her start as a teen….and where her ex is the artistic director. Drama and hijinks ensue! But it’s really a universal story about old flames, old friends, old rivals and second acts: having the courage to shake up your life!

Q: Which came first: the characters or plot line?

A: They sort of arrived together! This idea has been with me for a long time: I always had Charlie, my main character, and this sense of wanting her to be embarking on a “second act.” I wanted to tell the story of a bold, wild child kind of star who flamed out early and had to start over and figure out what she truly wanted. I always knew this character would be the type who seemed confident to anyone watching but was actually much more vulnerable deep down. Someone who’s acting as much offstage as onstage!

Q: Why do you love Charlie and why should readers root for her?

A: I really loved writing this character: she’s impulsive and aggressive and tough and uncontrollable. But all of her bravado is covering up how out of place she feels, how nervous she is to be back in the theater world after feeling like she failed in her film career. Anyone who has ever tried to act like they had it all together while actually being unsure on the inside (which I think is all of us, right?!) will understand Charlie and feel she’s a kindred spirit.

Q: We can see from your bio that you have written extensively about entertainment topics. Have you ever been involved in theatre yourself? If so, in which capacities? If not, what fascinates you about the theatre world?

A: As anyone who saw me as Miss Jones in Sherwood High School’s 1994 production of How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying would know: I am that drama geek who loves theater as much as humanly possible while having no actual talent. ;)  I was lucky enough to grow up in a small town with a fantastic theater—the Olney Theatre in Olney, MD—and I volunteered there (offstage!) all through high school. It was an amazing place because the actors were incredible, they were New York-based, and they would come and actually live together at a residence on the theater property. I’ve always had an overactive imagination so I remember wondering what went on there: which ones were friends, which ones weren’t, was anyone hooking up?! I was fascinated. That experience hanging around there definitely sowed the very early seeds of this novel!

Q: Obviously you've interacted with many celebrities. Who were the most fascinating to talk to? 

A: Oooh, there were so many fun ones: George Clooney is my all-time favorite (he’s EVERYONE’S favorite!) because he’s just a supernice guy and is that type who seems to always be having a great time. Some more of my favorites who also had that same warm spirit and were so much fun to chat with: Sarah Jessica Parker, Angelina Jolie, Renee Zellweger, Ewan McGregor, Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, the list goes on!

 Q: If you could star in a movie or Broadway show, which one would you choose and why?

A: HA! OMG, I love this question! Since THE SUMMER SET is set at a summer theater, I’ll choose Broadway! Wow, there are just. So. Many! I would love to be Angelica in Hamilton and Mimi in Rent and Roxie in Chicago! I assure you I would be absolutely TERRIBLE in all of these roles but it would be tons of fun!

Q: What was your last 5 star read?

A: I just re-read a favorite--THE LOST VINTAGE by the wonderful Ann Mah! It’s an absolute gem of a novel about love, secrets and drama in French wine country. Beautiful writing, fantastic storytelling and it also satisfies the wanderlust we’re all feeling these days.

Q: What is one thing about publishing you wish someone would have told you?

A: Oh wow, I feel like even five books in, I’m still learning! But I think one thing I never would’ve expected before I published my first novel is that every time a book comes out you feel that HUGE excitement but also that little rush of nerves, like: “OMG this thing that, for years, only lived in my head and on my laptop is now out there!!! Aaaah!” Or maybe that’s just me? ;)

Q: What inspired you to become a writer?

A: A love of reading! My mom is a librarian so I grew up reading everything in sight and I’ve just always loved escaping into books. I went to journalism school and worked in magazines, which I absolutely adored, but I always dreamed of writing novels, so I feel incredibly lucky to get to do this!

Q: What was your journey to get your first book published?

A: Great question! My first novel was ILLUMINATE, the first of my YA Gilded Wings Trilogy. I tend to write the book I most want to read at any given time and I got lucky that when I was in the mood for YA, so were a lot of other people, so that worked out! But I actually wrote another book BEFORE that one—it was a totally different vibe and not YA--that just didn’t hit things right, for whatever reason. I always say that publishing--the fiction world especially--is like falling in love and you need the right person to read the right manuscript on the right day and have the right connection to it in order to get published. I feel very lucky every time a book gets published!

Q: Let’s talk about your writing, what is your writing process like? Do you follow an outline or do you just see where the story leads you? 

A: I’m a major outliner! I need to have everything mapped out. I need to know this journey has a destination. I admire writers who can let things unfold as they go—how freeing that must be!—but I’m a planner, it gives me comfort. Although, there are plenty of twists that only present themselves when you’re in the middle of writing so I do always let myself deviate from my outline too, great stuff comes out of that!

Q: Do you share your work along the way or wait until it is complete to have others read?

A: My sister is my beta reader and she is amazing! Sometimes I’ll give her the book as I’m writing it, as I did with THE SUMMER SET, and other times I’ll wait until it’s all finished (like with my previous novel, CAMPAIGN WIDOWS), it mostly depends on how tight the deadline is! She’s incredible and I’m so grateful for her close eye and the time she spends doing this for me. Since she enjoys the same books/films/stories/genres as I do, I know that if there’s something in my novel that isn’t working for her then it’s not going to work for any reader! She’s the best! If you’re reading this: Hi, sis!

Q: What inspired you to write The Summer Set? 

A: I’ve always loved the film/TV/theater/music universe. I started out writing for entertainment magazines—Us Weekly, Premiere—and those jobs were incredible and offered me this amazing glimpse into that celebrity world with all of its ups and downs and drama and excitement. I’m an arts girl so I think there’s something magical about the way a great show, whether on stage or screen, can transport you or connect with you or seem to understand you. And I think the people who are able to bring those stories to life are fascinating!

Q: What projects are you currently working on?

A: I’m (slooooowly) at work on the next novel! It’s in those early stages but it’s an idea I’ve had for a long time so I’m excited! Wish me luck!! 

Q: What’s your favorite genre? 

A: Oooh, that’s tough! I actually will read anything and everything! For me, it just depends on the story. I’m always on board for great writing and the kind of storytelling that keeps me hooked and turning pages!

Q: Who is your favorite author? 

A: I could never choose just one! I grew up on the classics (Austen, the Brontes, Hemingway, Salinger, on and on!) and I adore them so much and revisit them often like checking in on old friends! As for contemporary authors, I love Tom Perrotta, Nick Hornby, Emma Straub, Dave Eggers, Elizabeth Gilbert, to name a few! There are so many that I love and admire!

Q: What are your top 3 favorite books of all time

A: Oh man, this is REALLY tough because there are just soooo many. But I’ll go with these:  

--Pride and Prejudice: I could read this every day! I’m completely Jane Austen-obsessed so I actually feel that way about all of her books. Even now, I’m thinking: should I choose Emma?! Or Persuasion?! How do you choose?!

--The Catcher in the Rye: I love everything Salinger. But Holden Caulfield was my first literary crush!

--A Moveable Feast: I also love everything Hemingway but I’ll go with this one because I’m pretty sure I belong in Paris in the ‘20s. (Aside from my very bad French.)

Q: How do you decide what kind of journey you want your characters to go on?

A: That’s a fantastic, huge question! Those first flashes I always have of a novel are of the main character in some sort of inner turmoil. So I tend to know the reason I’m going to be telling their story in the first place, but figuring out how to show it all and get from point A to B to C, takes a lot of mapping out!

Q: Would you ever write YA fantasy novels again?

A: I love this question! Absolutely, if the right story sparked! I had so much fun writing the Gilded Wings Trilogy, I miss those characters and still think of them and what adventures they might still be having! And I do miss writing magic and superpowers, it was always exciting to get to dream up those elements. So, you never know, I might just have to get back to that! ;)

THE SUMMER SET

Author: Aimee Agresti

Publication Date: May 12, 2020

Publisher: Graydon House Books

Buy Links: 

Harlequin 

Barnes & Noble

Amazon

Books-A-Million

Powell’s

Social Links:

Author Website

Twitter: @AimeeAgresti

Instagram: @aimeeagresti

Facebook: @AimeeAgrestiAuthor

Goodreads

[zoenightstars]

pjo musical: the rundown

so i went to see the lightning thief with @angelicomma yesterday and um. oKAY GUYS GALS AND NONBINARY PALS LEMME TELL U ABOUT THIS MOTHER!FUCKIN! SHOW!!!! because it was SO GOOD this is just like. the short list of what i loved about it because oh my god 

prepare for the longest post ever 

the set was such an aesthetic? it was all very metallic like there was scaffolding and greek columns with graffiti on them? it was very chb and very nyc and overall a Blessing 

every time they needed to show a different location they’d do it with the lights so like there were these lights lining the scaffolding that would change color ?? in the underworld they’d flash red, yellow and orange and were made to look like fire and near the ocean theyd be blue and if they were talking about trees itd be green and! if they wanted u to focus on a certain part of the scaffolding it’d be a different light color than any of the other parts which was rad af

the overhead lights were used really well too like when percy was singing about being the son of poseidon or when there was water the lights would be blue and when they were in the forest theyd be green

there is an entire song about how they hate new jersey and how they refuse to die in the garden state. know this

the show was very low budget like oh my god it was great

they didnt make some of their own props so sally walked in once with a trader joe’s bag and also the most important bag in the world (containing the master bolt) was a fucking jansport 

their representation of water was just to attach toilet paper rolls to leaf blowers and turn the overhead lights blue like what even

they covered the first 4 rows in toilet paper at one point 

also they fuckin deca-casted everyone except for percy (chris mccarrell, the light of my life actually he was so good) 

jonathan raviv played chiron, auntie em, random chb girl in a bike helmet and braids (?), random tractor guy (?), a bus driver, a train conductor, hades, and poseidon and im probably missing someone. he had very distinctive characters for all of them not to mention horse puns 

“the gods are kind of dicks”

medusa’s eyes were just light up swim goggles

sarah beth pfeifer, who probably has the best comic timing ive seen ever, played clarisse, katie gardner, a fucking squirrel?, mrs. dodds, lotus casino girl, random camper assistant to mr. d, and thalia 

*chases annabeth down a flight of stairs with a sword while screaming* 

“for their sixteenth birthdays my friends all got cars. I got a fern and a mason jar!” 

“ARROWS ARE MADE WITH WOOD. I REFUSE TO PARTICIPATE IN AN ACTIVITY THAT CONDONES VIOLENCE AGAINST OUR ARBOR BRETHREN!”

they had the most roles and they were GREAT 

george salazar was such a wonderful grover and mr d oh man 

mr d’s whole gag was he’d kick a chair when he got pissed which was hysterical bc the camper assistant would start pouting every time and he also wanted to turn percy into a dolphin 

“grover, are you ever going to wear pants again?” “NOPE!” 

his solo song was about thalia and how he couldnt save her talk about EMOTIONAL he cried

dam jokes

“we might have more drachmas if you didnt spend them on those DAM SNACKS” “HEY! IT WAS THE HOOVER DAM” 

let me talk about. carrie compere for like multiple hot seconds bc GODDAMN GIRL CAN SANG 

she was such a good sally. can she be my mom. she sang a song abt percy being special and wonderful and i got a lil teary 

“you saved my life, percy. It’s time i learned how to live it.” cryin g 

her silena was really funny? like very whiny but very funny.

 “every time i bring a boy home, my mom’s there in her nightie [...] she steals my mascara and all my dates!” 

she also played sort of charon? underworld guide in this awesome gold dress (she looked SO GOOD) who smacked grover’s goat ass (?????) 

“you know, bringing people to the underworld isn’t my only job. I also have a band. wanna hear a demo?” “not really?” “sorry, i can’t hear you over this SWEET ASS RIFF” 

“We got everyone! we got kurt kobain, we got beethoven. any requests?” “um, do you have josh groban?” “we will.” 

JAMES! HAYDEN ! RODRIGUEZ! was sO GOOD AS LUKE

THERE WAS A GOOD KID REPRISE AND I WAS SHOOKEN 

“being a good kid gets you nowhere at all” bruh 

they couldn’t have a scorpion onstage so luke just. fucking stabs percy in the back??? 

He was also a really funny ares and gabe!! 

ok and my gal KRISTIN STOKES 

fun fact abt me and kristin stokes ..... so we were walking in the same direction after stage door and so me and @angelicomma just walked with her....to the train.... she gave us dessert recs...... and talked about the show (she’s so salty about how rangey her big solo is but trust me she was so good on that song) and also waitress with us.... it was the best experience of all time she is so nice and cool and was wearing jurassic park leggings how rad is she oh my god

her annabeth? was awesome? she was witty and tough and aggressive and i was ABOUT IT 

she called out sexism all the damn time 

“annabeth, i get it. do you know how many schools i’ve been kicked out of?” “yeah, percy, but when boys mess up they get a second chance.” 

“hey, annabeth, who’s your dad?” “he’s a history professor.” “i thought everyone’s dad was-” “a god? that’s my mom. sexist.” 

longest yeah boi ever 

the moment where she betrayed luke at the end??? YES GIRL

chris mccarrell was such a perfect percy i am elated 

“Tartarus? LIKE THE FISH SAUCE???!!!?!?!” 

*swings riptide like a lightsaber while making lightsaber noises* 

*packages medusa’s head* “To Mount Olympus. Signed, Percy Jackson and Annabeth Chase.” “the gods will think we’re impertinent!” “*winning smile* we are impertinent.” 

*pouts* “i know how to hold a sword! like this!” annabeth corrects him and he swings it “oh wow actually that’s a lot easier” 

in good kid he was like? running around the stage and climbing the scaffolding and shit? and i cried??? the no mom line was the WORST i wanted to actually scream and his voice is so pretty 

and he was so shook by his own powers oh man 

he was just. so good at the twelve year old thing it was fantastic he was all fidgety and Dramatic (tm) god bless

he loves sally so much!!! all the demigods were salty af abt their parents and he was just quietly singing like “my mom loves hugs and scary movies” and i just. screamed quietly

there were rlly cute percabeth moments too. 

 percy’s knocked tf out the first time annabeth meets him (she infiltrates his dream a lil) and he sings a lil song abt how she’s beautiful and stuff and he wakes up and she’s all “YOU DROOL IN YOUR SLEEP” shook 

she shows up at capture the flag (percy hasnt officially met her yet) and he points at her and was just “gasps YOURE MY DREAM GIRL!” and annabeth side-eyes him hardcore and he goes “UM. THE GIRL. FROM MY DREAM.” 

“the god is my mom. sexist.” “NO NO I LOVE GIRLS!” annabeth is shook yet again and percy panics and is like “I MEAN UM THEYRE VERY NICE” 

percy gets serious side eye from luke

it’s great  

when percy gets stabbed they almost kiss and then grover RUNS ONSTAGE “HEY! here’s your ambrosia percy” goddamn it was DRAMATIC

im definitely missing shit but oh boy it was so so good

i’d kill a man for that soundtrack  

if you have the chance (and the money) it’s just. such an Experience and everything i could have ever dreamed of. the cast is great (and theyre all so freakin NICE s/o to kristin especially). 

i’d highly recommend it!!! A+ 1000/10

[aleatoryalarmalligator]

My life story, part 30

I never really got into the television show Jackass. I'm not the type of person who gets that much out of watching people staple their balls to the ceiling. It mostly grossed me out and held very little appeal. At worst, it was kind of nauseating and empty, and at best, I might have mildly chuckled at a few of the more social experiments done at the expense of seeing how others behaved. But Sarah and Ava were really into that show. Sarah had a crush on the very egotistical mediocre skateboarder Bam Margera, who would go on to have a number of other obnoxious shows and eventually fizzle away and decay in his own ego and drunkenness. And Ava just liked the shock value, and wanted to emulate that same shock. So of course, against the suggestion of the beginning of the television show, we decided to attempt to pull these gags off ourselves.

Nothing we ever did was ever that dangerous of course. I was pressured into it one day. Everyone came down to my house, and coaxed me into participating eventually, against my initial reluctance to do so. I eventually gave in of course. Ava wanted to use our wobbly old computer chair at my house. I didn't want to do that. I knew it would be rough on the chair itself – though it was actually about as cheap of a computer chair as you will ever find, and more importantly my father would have my head. Any parent would scold their kids to some degree, but I didn't want to take my chances on how badly it would end for me. It was midafternoon. I knew my father would be home come around six thirty, and get off work at five. This gave me very little time to feel safe. On top of this, I needed to be attentively babysitting Allison and David. But I agreed. We decided to take the chair downtown.

Allison and David both went down to a friend's house to play that was nearby where we were going to be. I checked in on them once an hour or so to make sure they were okay. They were seven and eight so I wasn't really that worried. In a small town, you don't often have to worry about a lot of things that you might in a city. Not that there aren't creeps, but it's less likely anything dangerous would happen. It wasn't too far away from where we were going to be anyway. I gave Ava a time frame of how long we could be out with the chair.

The whole thing ended up being dumb. Once you get out there with a prop, you really wonder what you are going to do. Nobody wanted to get hurt, or break the chair. We weren't Stevo or Party Boy. What's more, I would get waves of worry that somehow I would get in to trouble. But my friends told me not to worry, but I had this bad feeling. Other than the chair, I wasn't really doing anything too wrong. I mean, the chair was wrong. But I wasn't barred from going to the store to hang out with my friends and I was keeping enough track of Allison and David to know that they were safe enough.

At four o'clock though, as I looked down the road, my heart sank into my stomach, as I saw my father's car driving through town. The vehicle was charged with my father's ego and aggression. I knew I was looking at danger. I couldn't believe my eyes. My limbs turned to jelly, and my heart's rhythm surged into a fast tropical beat that I could barely keep up with. He was never home early. There was no way for me to hide since there is really only one road to drive through. I was dead meat. Sarah was able to quickly hide the chair though, and it was for the luck that my father has poor observational skills that he didn't see it. She scooted it against a building and stood in front of it. It was obvious to see, but he didn't really think to look.

When he saw me, he had this fury in his eyes. He slowed down the car and asked/yelled at me where Allison and David were. I nervously told them they were at their friends about a block down the road. He looked at my furiously, and I knew I was dead. Strangely, none of this had anything to do with the chair though. I should not have been in any trouble. He then screamed at me in this loud frightening voice 'GET THE FUCK HOME.' There was a sinister promise in his voice.

My friends looked around scared and were soon avoidant of me and my new problem. As soon as his car drove away, we realized that there would have been at that point, no safe way to return the chair without him noticing. I realized that he there was a decent chance that he wasn't going to notice that the chair was missing, since he only got online once every three or so days. I was willing to take that chance, and then go down to the shed area (owned by Sarah's mom's boyfriend Jim), and get it on one of the days that he was working.

When I got home, he was in the kitchen. I could feel this violent rage in the kitchen, and my stomach twisted with anxiety. The dishes were still dirty. Ordinarily, we would have started them by then, but seeing as he was home two and a half hours early, nothing was done. On top of this, David had ran to the house while my dad had driven up to where they were playing so he could use the bathroom. The house was only two minutes away. This gave my father the excuse to say that I hadn't been watching them. I argued that I had done exactly what he told me to do in situations where they wanted to play at a friend's nearby – check on them every hour. I had done that. He didn't know about the chair so I wasn't about to bring that on myself – the one thing I had done that was definitely questionable. I argued that we didn't think he was coming home early, so of course we hadn't done the dishes yet, but we were going to – and we were.

At this point, he was livid. I don't remember all of it, but he began screaming so loud I couldn't hear him. He started throwing things in the kitchen. I was terrified, and in the back of my mind, I started thinking about escape. The look on his face, the lack of self control, I couldn't help but think that he wanted to physically attack me. David was quietly crying in the corner. Allison, eight years old, came out of the bathroom wearing only a towel. He was screaming at all of us about what terrible children we all were. As Allison got out of the tub, he began yelling at her violently. She curled up in the corner naked and sobbing in fear. The towel had fallen off, and she huddled helplessly. He then said 'GET THE FUCK UP YOU LITTLE BITCH'. It was frightening and cruel in tone. I was in shock. I didn't know this person. I realized in that moment that I had never really known my father. I could barely connect him calling Allison a bitch with the man who swung me around at the park. How could you call a little girl who just got out of the tub, understandably afraid naked and crying a bitch. And he said bitch in this way that spelled out a hatred for women. It was the way you say bitch when you want to hurt women. She looked about as absolutely helpless as you could imagine. A naked little girl crying in the corner.

He then went after me. I must have yelled at him to leave Allison alone. I felt this deep seated rage that he had gone after Allison in that way. He yelled that I was dead to him. I was a pig-whore. A worthless disgusting pig like my mother and sisters, and he wished I was dead. All of this happened in a voice so loud that the windows were shaking. I was sobbing uncontrollably, but I also realized instinctively that I was going to have to run. I was on my own. The universe was against me. Whatever he did next towards me was going to hurt me, and I was not strong enough to fight back. So I took off and I ran. He chased me half way up the hill to Sarah's. My muscles ached, but I could not feel them. I was nothing but fear and adrenaline on two legs. I was shaking uncontrollably, could barely breath or talk. I barely remembered moments of it, other than looking behind me and seeing him. Eventually, when I got towards the top of the hill, I saw Sarah's door and I knocked. Sarah's gentle understanding face, and Carol's humble and sensible face met me at the door. The relief was real. It was hard to imagine while that was all happening, just a little ways away, a woman was getting ready for bed and calmly reading the paper. And Sarah was calmly home. Ava had gone back home shortly before.

The let me in, I told them what happened. They shared their dinner with me, a comforting hot soup and toast. I tried to calm down. Carol told me that if my father was being violent and scaring me, I could always come there to get away if I thought he was going to hurt me. She told me that she would not let him come in after me. And it is for this reason alone that I absolutely cannot be mad at her for that incident with the shirt in 4th grade. Because this is probably one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. And this happened several times throughout my teenage years. Had I not had a way to escape, I don't know what I would have done.

And I really wished that Allison and David had had the same option, but in a lot of ways in the Haynes family there was only room for one. Plus, Allison and David were a lot younger than me, and I think my father had more of a restraint with keeping them at the house. Carol might not have been able to fight for them without getting the cops involved. And as often as they needed to be involved I knew it would be difficult had we tried to get the state involved with protecting us. For one thing, the nearest police station was an hour away in Lewiston. By the time they got to the house, the majority of the damage would have already been done. My dad would be calm. He could go from being violently abusive, to friendly. In a lot of ways, my father has the personality of a cop. He knows how to talk, and he's not your typical kind of abusive jerk. He can come off as extremely bright and professional. I could almost hear him and the police officer laughing now, even though it never happened. I on the other hand was a F student teenage girl that the whole town made light of. I had no illusions about how the aftermath of the situation could and would be spun against me. Cops don't want to do more work than they have to.

Secondly, I would not have had the backing of Allison or David. They would have lied for him, not for any malice against me, but for the sake of trying to be good. He would have coached them just like he coached me years before when Roxanne called the police on him. I as well didn't feel right about calling the cops on my father. Because these freak outs were horrible and damaging, but he was at times very nice other days. He seemed to take a certain delight in being our dad, as selfish as his enjoyment was – he didn't seem to appreciate us having anything in our lives that wasn't about him or beyond his understanding. He would always cook us the best food he could afford and tell us about what was happening in the world however unfair his political biases were. I always really liked to sit at his feet and ask him questions, just like I had when I was a little child. He was engaging and never ever discouraged me asking why, as long as I didn't ask him why he did things. It made no sense for me emotionally to turn him in. And I didn't really know if it was illegal for him to call me these names. How bad does it have to get before you have a case?

Third, we would have ended up somewhere that would take me away from my friends. And my friends were in many ways my real family. It would have given me a lot of problems. There are studies done that show that a good majority of foster kids, particularly foster kids end up in abusive homes. My mother would have likely been the one to take us in though, and she was a much worse person than my father. She has no moral compass. My father, though violent and abusive, seemed most of the time that he had some kind of moral code at all. And had it ever gotten to the point where any of us were living at my moms or in foster care, you have to know he would get us back in a heartbeat. They give parents a lot of opportunities to fight for getting their children back. The system won't take children away permanently unless it is clear that they absolutely have to. And he would have gone through all of this in a heartbeat. He had the same job for over thirty years. He didn't do drugs, didn't even drink in those days. And how would life have been for me once I was back in his care? Probably even worse unfortunately. There was no winning for me.

Carol knew this. So I understand why she didn't want to call the police on him.

But I think it was hard on Allison and David. My father created this bridge between me and the rest of the family in this whole process of making me the black sheep, while simultaneously relying on me to make the household run. Allison grown up told me that she wanted to go with me every time I ran away, and she felt abandoned and less than me. It didn't seem fair to her that I had an escape and acceptance at the Haynes family and she did not. She was often stuck between my father and David. David, trying to understand and emotionally process this situation would decide to side with my dad, in part because he resented me for being a mean babysitter, and because it was hard for him to go against our father. In the moment I think he always felt badly for me when our father was after me, but after that, after he had gotten away and the house was still again, he could find reasons to rationalize my father's reactions towards me. And he might have thought that this behavior was acceptable. Not only would I freak out at them, but our own dad freaked out much worse. There seemed to be no right and wrong. And I think both of my younger siblings subconsciously picked up this sense that I was bad in some way, and this carried into their adulthood seamlessly imprinted in the back of their minds.

Problems at home made me hold on that much harder to my school life, however dismally I was actually doing in school. My friends were all I had. I gave all my trust in them. And seeing Zack around gave this intriguing sense of magic to my life. This alone kept me going during these times.

FFA wasn't going super well. The whole time I was in there was a surreal experience in strong feelings I had never felt before. I was shaky after the end of each class, and I learned not to eat breakfast each morning else my stomach would hurt more than it already did. I tried hard not to watch Zack as he wrote things on his paper. Sometimes his blonde hair would fall in his face, and he would have to tuck it behind his ear. I thought this was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen a human being do. Forget ballet, forget musical performers, acrobats, fight scenes in movies, great paintings or acts of great martyrdom throughout history. Beauty to me was watching Zack's blue eyes looking down at his paper as he wrote, tucking his hair in behind his ear when it fell into his face a little bit.

Mrs. Gulke hated me, but she hated Jason even more. Jason sat there like an adult punk who couldn't be told what to do, and this intimidated Mrs. Gulke quite a bit. Him and I both took our sketchbooks everywhere we went to draw. My sketchbooks were filled with naked women, Jason tended to draw roses. She resented this and told us we couldn't do this anymore. For some reason, there was a tipping point with Mrs. Gulke and Jason early on. He told her she was a bitch and she could fuck right off when she went on the attack one day. She made it this big moment to shame him, and he snapped. For a moment I could see the fear in her face. She was genuinely nervous that he was going to physically go after her – and honestly, Jason may have done just that. She actually snapped at him and I sometimes when we weren't doing anything wrong, so this was bound to happen if Jason or I had been good students or not. I remember his eyes were full of fury. And when he was angry, he salivated a little bit. He was like a dog, when after a fight might bite it's owner's hand it is so lost in rage. I was honestly a little bit scared. Jason was ordinarily so friendly towards me that it was hard to believe that anyone could suddenly shift like that.

She tried to kick him out, but he was sent back to the class because there was nowhere else for him to be. But eventually, after the first half of the year, she did manage to get him kicked out. Until that time though, he generally sat next to me.

Zack sometimes stare at me from across the room. He was getting more comfortable with doing this. I felt this zing in my heart when he looked at me. I could not for the life of me tell if he was joking. I resented the idea that he might have been only teasing me, but couldn't entirely rule it out entirely either. Nobody else was teasing me anymore though, and Jason was now my friend so it seemed like a bit of a stretch to think he would have been simply trying to get a rise out of me. It didn't seem like it would have made sense for him to go rogue on this one. Obviously, he was teasing, but it really felt more like he was flirting. And why was he looking at me so much? When we walked out of class, he seemed to be getting closer to me. One day, he was looking at me, and I looked at him back. And he aired the words ' I LOVE YOU'.

My heart was doing somersaults. I was alarmed. I felt like I was being electrocuted. I couldn't accept that anyone would mean this, and couldn't even tell how I felt about it. But he said this with a dead serious look on his face. I looked down at my paper and blushed. I did not look back up, and when the bell rang, I quickly got out of the FFA class as soon as I could.

Mrs. Gulke kicked me out of that class three times. The first time, was because she opened up my notebook and she saw all the naked women. She aggressively let me know that the drawings in my notebook were sick, and I was sent to the office, where the principal looked at them for a moment, made me sit in a desk for fifteen minutes before sending me back to class. The next time, she caught me drawing. She took my notebook away this time. It was not my drawing book. It was a lined notebook. It was sent to the office to be inspected by the counselor. What they found was a small section where I wrote my dreams. I wrote about a dream I had where I tried to kill my dad. I don't remember how the dream started, but I remember in dream-rage, I had grabbed a sharp object and tried to stab him to death in the kitchen. But when I looked up at him, the stab did nothing. He was immortal and he laughed down at me. I could not kill him. I remember feeling powerless and so frustrated I couldn't even scream.

They also found a little drawing I had done of a bunch of simplistic demons dancing around a fire maniacally in a unified circle as a demon-god came out of the fire and rose above them. This drawing was more meant out of humor than anything. I didn't nor have I ever had any interest in summoning the devil. But I was listening to a lot of Godsmack (a band I used to like back then), and the song Voodoo had inspired it one evening. It was a harmless doodle. I got sent to the office, and grilled about the drawing and the dream. I told them it was just a dream. After accusing me of being a violent Satan worshiper I was sent back to class.

The third time they sent me to the office, it was because I was moving my hands like I was drawing. The reason I probably took to drawing in part is because I have to constantly be doing something with my hands. I can barely contain them, and I have to have something. I don't own a fidget spinner, but I strongly suspect they were invented for people like me. So when I wasn't thinking about it as I was sitting there with my pencil in my hand, I began to subconsciously draw in the air, not looking at the paper or even aware of my hands. Mrs. Gulke sent me out to the office then as well, and of course I was given more detentions.

We had to learn the FFA Creed. I have a really god memory for things like that. If I focus on it intently for a few minutes, I can memorize words and spatial placement of things very quickly. So in order not to be yelled at, I read the eight paragraphs or so and recited it back to the class in the first week to get it out of the way. The only problem was that, at this point in my life, I used the word 'like' between words constantly. It was a nervous habit that I wasn't even aware of. I sounded a little bit like a Valley Girl. So as I recited the entire speech, proud that I was the first one to get it memorized, at the end I was met with Mrs. Gulke saying nothing but looking at me resentfully. Everything was quiet, and then with impact she stated, 'That is the most amount of 'likes' I have ever heard anyone say in my entire life. If you say 'like' one more time, I am going to kick you out of this class and you are going to get an F'.

The next time, I was wearing a hoodie and I had my portable cd player in the pocket. When I stood up, Weezer's Blue Album began playing. 'My Name Is Jonas' started playing throughout the whole class. Everyone just stared at me. I desperately tried to turn it off, but I ended up only making it louder. Eventually I turned it off, and she looked like she was about to lunge at me, but didn't. It was hilarious if I hadn't been so nervous. I ended up slipping up and saying like on accident when I was reciting the Idaho FFA Creed. I held my mouth in shock. She looked infuriated, but gave me a C. All the other students seemed to glare at me, but Zack smiled at me.

For the next part of that class, we were supposed to memorize every meat cut from a cow, a pig and a chicken. There are a lot of meat cuts, a lot more than people realize. It made me feel queasy as I looked at the animal's body sectioned off in insensitive bits. But, I was able to memorize all of this too, hundreds of confusing Latin terms, and relatively meaningless terms used for pieces of meat that looked almost identical and I got the highest score in the class. And I could tell this made her angry. People like me were not supposed to succeed.

Jason had had enough of her. So one night, he got a few of his adult friends to come to her classroom and steal from her during a football game. I don't know how they managed to not get caught. He had been stealing his whole life though, so he seemed to know how to get into things pretty swiftly. He could also crawl into small spaces since he was so thin. They broke into the building, they stole money, a laptop, soda, and a 50 lb box of Hershey's candy bars. Jason found us and told us what he had done later. And we promised not to tell on him, which I guess made us accomplices to the crime. He gave us a LOT of candy for it. None of us wanted to see Jason get into trouble. He was so frail, he had no family. Mrs. Gulke was humorless and mean spirited and bent on making people feel belittled and unsure of themselves. The whole system seemed rigged against people who didn't fit in like Jason and I. It didn't make me happy that he had stolen from her. And I didn't feel like it solved much. But Jason had no other recourse to defend himself against the world.

I was sitting at the kitchen table one morning. The world seemed soft, the fall air was cool, and I felt very reflective and peaceful. I felt this tingling in my chest, and I had had it when I had woken up that morning. And then it hit me that I was in love, there could be no other feelings as to why I could not breath and why my heart was a flutter. I loved Zack. I had been in denial of it until that moment. He was not a good kid. He was a druggy. He had long hair. Most of the girls in the class had voted him the hottest guy in the school – at least aside from some seniors though they wouldn't date him ever because they saw him as a loser, and who was I? We were a lot different. And I didn't know what it meant for me after this realization. I didn't know if it would work out for me, or if I was right or wrong or if anyone in my life would accept it, but I just knew that I loved him with all my heart, come what may. And as much as I didn't want to, I knew I had to tell my friends quick. Ava and Sarah both seemed to want to find him too now when we went to games or were in the halls. It wasn't just me anymore. Nobody had confessed anything, but if I didn't say what was on my mind, then someone else would eventually develop feelings for him. And I couldn't have that.

So, I told Ava over the phone. She didn't seem too upset. She did seem a bit taken aback. I don't remember all that she said, but she was all in all very supportive. Telling Sarah was a little harder. Sarah tried to explain to me that it was a bad idea. She said she was afraid that Zack would make me do drugs, and she was afraid of the influence he would have on me. And I tried to explain to them both that I wasn't interested in drugs. I just loved him. In my heart, I imagined that someday he would be somebody. He just seemed to radiate a certain light about him. I argued that perhaps I could have a positive influence on him. And in any case, I didn't really see anything wrong with what he was. I loved him through thick and thin.

PART 29 - http://tinyurl.com/ybfcr9j2

PART 28 - http://tinyurl.com/yagdlo47

PART 27 - http://tinyurl.com/ydcj5fgf

PART 26 - http://tinyurl.com/y73nvl73

PART 25 -  http://tinyurl.com/y6v6pgoj

PART 24 - http://tinyurl.com/ycak5d8r

PART 23 - http://tinyurl.com/yac6sk3g

PART 22 -  http://tinyurl.com/yat6cfnw

PART 21 -  http://tinyurl.com/y783egno

PART 20 - http://tinyurl.com/y8jskymt

PART 19 - http://tinyurl.com/rfhbms8

PART 18 - http://tinyurl.com/ycrznrwk

PART 17 - http://tinyurl.com/y77unlng

PART 16 - http://tinyurl.com/yadpsv8c

PART 15 - http://tinyurl.com/yb3lt6k5

PART 14 - http://tinyurl.com/yb4cfedq

PART 13 - http://tinyurl.com/yalanq9s

PART 12 - http://tinyurl.com/yc79mw94

PART 11 - http://tinyurl.com/yc9qhj84

PART 10 - http://tinyurl.com/yb734w24

PART 9 - http://tinyurl.com/yc2t6vfw  

PART 8 - http://tinyurl.com/ybl37utq

PART 7 - http://tinyurl.com/ybvo283g

PART 6 - http://tinyurl.com/kbc9dwu

PART 5 - http://tinyurl.com/msnz4am

PART 4 - http://tinyurl.com/k9x8esg

PART 3 - http://tinyurl.com/mwp9atx

PART 2 - http://tinyurl.com/lbt6xq2

PART 1 - http://tinyurl.com/l8xbvg8

[alyssasmuses-blog]

Josh’s mental health - a novel by me.

(obvs this post is gonna contain some triggery material like mental illness & suicide attempts & things of that nature && also maybe some scenes from the game will be here. so u kno. proceed w/ caution)

GET READY KIDS THIS IS GONNA BE A LONG ONE.

So, first of all, let’s look at Hannah’s Diary. 

On an entry dated October 29th, 2013;

I really think Josh is doing better now that he's out of the hospital. I saw him today and he seemed better. He's pretty upbeat, but he talked like he's been doing therapy for such a long time. I guess I didn't know. Mom and Dad never let on. Funny how you can not even know your own brother. I kinda need a good cry thinking about how lonely he must feel... 

Now we’re gon’ look at josh’s psych report.

Josh’s first psych evaluation took place on 06/11/2006.

So, Josh was seeing doctors for seven years before his sisters found out.

The game makes it incredibly clear that Josh was really close to Hannah&Beth, and if his sisters didn’t even know about all this, then his friends sure as hell didn’t know yet either. Meaning for seven years, his only support system was his parents. Who, as we know, aren’t exactly present in his life. So Josh, for the most part, was dealing with his mental illness completely alone. Which, given his fear of isolation, probably didn’t help his recovery.

Now, for an overview of his medication.

(06/18/2006 - 01/24/2010): Josh was originally put on Fluoxetine one week after his initial appointment. He was on it for ~4 years, stopping when the side effects became too severe for him to handle.

After that, he was put on Duloxetine for three years (02/13/2010 - 11/01/2013), stopping that when it stopped working & he claimed his mood had “badly worsened” 

(Fluoxetine & Duloxetine are both common anti-depressants--they’re generics for Prozac & Cymbalta)

After that, Josh is put on Amitriptyline, which specifically warns people with a personal or family history of psychosis should talk to their doctors before taking it, something Josh shows symptoms of later in-game, but never actually gets diagnosed with. But we’ll get to that later.

Josh’s original prescription for Amitriptyline was given to him on 11/29/2013.

But, let’s look at Dr. North’s portion of the profile;;

01/03/2010 Sarah North, MD, PhD Cranleigh Hospital Referred on 11/29/2013 after patient's response to drugs tapered badly

12/19/2013 is when he starts seeing Dr. Hill, meaning for the first ~20 days he wasn’t seeing a doctor while on new meds.

Later on, Dr. Hill makes note of Josh being suicidal while on this medication, and later takes him off of it due to him self medicating & taking stronger doses. (04/05/2014)

All of this happened within six months of him getting on this medication. Every other medication he was on up until this point worked for several years. But, given that within these six months, his sisters also went missing, it seems more likely that Josh’s mental illness--which up until a few months before the prank had been manageable enough that he was able to hide it so well his sisters had no clue--had worsened significantly, possibly even triggering his schizophrenia. But, again, more on that later.

The next medication Josh is put on is Phenelzine, which he started taking 04/15/2014. According to his psych report, he spent 30 nights in the hospital, being sent home on May 16th, 2014. Meaning that he started taking Phenelzine on his first day in the hospital.

It says that Josh is still currently taking Phenelzine, but the psych report is dated May 21, 2014, and we know Josh stopped taking his meds at some point between then and February 2nd, 2015. We just don’t know when, exactly.

So, first of all, let’s talk about Josh’s depression.

There isn’t much to talk about that isn’t made abundantly clear--despite the fact that his diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder (Clinical Depression) clearly doesn’t cover all the bases for what he’s experiencing, it’s definitely a piece of it. Understandably so, too. His parents seem relatively absent from his life, later on his sisters go missing & are presumed dead. Anyways, here’s a short list of some of the symptoms of clinical depression && I’m just going to bold the ones Josh is mentioned to experience in his psych report & in-game

Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions, fatigue and decreased energy, feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness, feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism, insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping, irritability, restlessness, loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, overeating or appetite loss, Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings, thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

I’m sure Josh has experienced more of these symptoms, but these are the only ones that I’m going to discuss, given I can point out clear examples in canon.

Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness//feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism: Several times, Josh blames himself for his sister’s disappearance, despite the fact that he was completely unaware of the prank, & was passed out during it. He couldn’t do anything if he wanted to. The Dr. Hill he sees in his hallucinations calls him a psychopath. You even have the option to call Josh your least favorite character while you’re playing as him. (Which Dr. Hill will bring up later in-game if you do so.) It’s pretty clear that Josh doesn’t like himself, even if that’s how he let on when his big ~reveal~ happened.

Irritability: If you look at his phone, he yells at Dr. Hill (via text, but still) when he tells Josh he’s worried about him.

Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable: According to his biography Josh was “studying psychology at college prior to Hannah and Beth's disappearance, which caused him to drop out.” Of course, we don’t know if he actually found his studies pleasurable, but clearly his sisters disappearing made him so depressed he didn’t even want to put for the effort anymore--also a symptom of depression.

Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts: His psych report clearly states he was suicidal in March of 2014, a month after his sisters went missing.

Okay, okay, now we discuss the other half of his mental illness.

I’m not saying Josh definitely has schizophrenia w/ psychosis, I’m just saying Josh definitely has schizophrenia w/ psychosis.

So, first, let me explain why his behavior in-game is not caused by withdrawal of his medication, like a lot of people claim.

From his psych report;;

On withdrawal: nausea, insomnia, nightmares, agitation, hallucinations, paranoia, aggressiveness, slurred speech, ataxia, catatonia, shocks

Now, it’s true, he experiences a lot of those symptoms (I bolded the ones he actively experiences in-game) However. On Josh’s Cellphone, we see that the messages from Dr. Hill are from January 13th. That’s over 2 weeks. Not only that, but Dr. Hill’s message makes it sound like Josh is mid-planning for his prank. Drug withdrawals are serious and can last quite sometime, but there’s no way he could have all those symptoms at that intensity for several weeks. 

But !!! Let’s look at just some of the symptoms of psychosis (all of these are also symptoms of schizophrenia, but being that psychosis is a symptom of schizophrenia, I figured it’d be easier to explain it this way);;

hallucinations, delusions, disorganized/repetitive speech, suicidal thoughts or actions, aggression/hostility, depression, disorientation

Now, let’s take these one at a time.

Hallucinations: Josh experiences both audio and visual hallucinations of Dr. Hill and his sisters, along with some audio hallucinations of Chris. Every single “session” spent with Dr. Hill in the game is a hallucination, which is revealed later in the game. Very clear, vivid images, too. It’s not some shadowy figure or something that’s there one moment and gone the next.

When he starts hearing Beth & Hannah’s voices, he starts crying, “Not again.” “You’re dead.” “I don’t take orders from you anymore” He clearly knows that this isn’t real, that this is all in his head, and he even seems to be trying to cope and talk himself through it.

You can watch the scene where he hallucinates Beth & Hannah here.

Delusions: His whole prank is a giant delusion. He puts his friends through absolute hell and he laughs about it because he thinks it’s just a funny joke that’s going to make a great youtube video. He thought it was such a good idea he emailed his psychiatrist about it. Clearly, Josh isn’t a moron, if he set this out to actually hurt his friends, why would he tell anyone about it? But if it’s just a harmless prank, that’s something else entirely. And! Not a single one of Josh’s actions ends up killing anyone. That was never his intention. He genuinely believed this was all a fun joke they’d all laugh off and move on from.

Disorganized/repetitive Speech: The most clear cut example of this is the scene in the shed, but it can also be seen while in the mines, during his hallucinations. He starts rambling to himself in the shed, to the point where Mike & Chris even comment on it.

Suicidal Thoughts or Actions: (See above ^)

Aggression/Hostility: (See irritability above ^)

Depression: Josh has literally been diagnosed with depression and treated for it since he was 11 years old. Plus I already talked about this. Moving on.

Disorientation: Not only does his psych report state that he was disoriented when brought into the hospital, but we see this very clearly in the mines when Mike and Sam find him. (But that might have something to do with Mike having just slapped him while he was in the middle of vividly hallucinating his sisters).

ANYWAYS.

This was my long ass post on Josh’s mental health I hope u liked it 

Also if you need me to clarify anything lemme know !! I have a lot of personal experience w/ these mental illnesses so i’d be more than happy to explain something I might’ve forgotten :*

Anyways catch u l8r kids

[boo-yu]

A “typical” day of a young attorney

First of all: where the f**k is my draft? 

The day I would like to describe is yesterday, and I had the idea while I was talking to Sarah. 

5:30 get up, wash face and brush teeth. 

5:45 driving to orange theory.  

6:00 -7:00 workout. 

7:20 back home, shower. 

7:30 cook and eat and dress up. 

7:50 heading to the office. 

8:00 in the office. 

I tried to come in early because Sarah would like to talk anytime between 8-10 am, and I would like to talk to her before she gets super busy. Luckily, I was able to come to her office around 8:10 am. 

A new case she talked to me the day before. She would like me to draft Interrogatories and had sent me some documents for review before I start drafting. This is an interesting case, where a company filed bankruptcy, and the company was allegedly involved with a Ponzi scheme, where the trustee is going after investors, trying to collect some “interests” back. Of course, I did not know how this works and just learned about it. 

It was the moment when Sarah asked me to walk with her, while she was trying to find documents and explaining to me how things work. That reminds me of the movie the big short’s explanation scene. 

8:30 back to the office. Very not motivated. So start reading the background knowledge of the Ponzi scheme, and trying to understand what was going on in the case. 

9:00 Bagel day Wednesday, went for a donut -- the reason I gained so much weight. 

9:00 -11:00 read some emails, read the Complaint. 

11:00 head out for a hearing. The drive should be 1.5 hours, and I would like to stop for lunch, so just went earlier. 

12:45 arrived at the courthouse, and looking for the right room. Most of the time, there will be a printed docket posted outside the room, but there is no docket information in that court. I went to the room, and it seems very large and fancy. However, I saw two sides of the table, and it doesn’t seem like a civil court. I sit there for a minute, went outside for some signs, asked a random person if this is “Room 1.” No luck. Then I had to ask the sheriff (since it’s 12:58 and I didn’t want to miss the hearing), and the sheriff brought me to the family division (interesting). At least I was in the right room now. Then the Judge called for a few cases, and he started to ask if there are any civil cases that he hasn’t called. This is the time when I stand up and inform the Judge of our case. It is a Motion to dismiss, and the opposing counsel happened to be there (no objection), so the Judge entered the Order. - Mission accomplished. 

1:20 driving back. 

2:45 back to the office. 

Other than the hearing, it was just a very slow day. Since I am out of the office next Monday-Wednesday, so I checked the calendar and have to make sure that all the hearings are covered (a.k.a. notify all my bosses that I won’t be here, and ask what I need to do). 

The rest of the day is pretty much just reading whatever I have for the case. 

6:00 pm went back home. Normally I am aiming at leaving the office around 6;30, but just don’t feel like staying, and was hoping it won’t rain so that I could go out for a run. 

6:30 back home and walk my dog. Then make dinner, do laundry, went to bed early. 

Yes, I noticed I forget to study for the bar. 

The other day when I talked to my secretary, I was like “oh, I really need to study a little bit for the California bar.” She responded “girl, I never heard anyone comments study for the bar like this.” 

I need to thank for the partner who stopped working with me, cause I might still be just writing Answer and Settlement Agreements all the time since he has a trust issue. It is ironic when I talked to the senior associate he worked with, the senior associate was actually trying not to work with the partner because he wanted to work more on corporate work, and interestingly, he commented the partner as very moody and emotional. I guess that might be a good thing. 

I think I also resolved another “problem.” I googled a lot on passive aggressive behavior since I was not sure if I am. But I think I am just aggressive sometimes, not passive aggressive -- cause I hate that shit. 

I also had a wried theory that just popped up, regarding communicate/who attracts me. I think I feel safer reaching out and am scared/annoyed if someone is chasing after me. Basically my whole childhood, I was chased by my father, who wants to give me his love, which I don’t really want. I guess that can turn into situations where I just generally don’t want to receive expressed love, while my mom loves me in a different way, which is the way I am familiar with, and somehow turned into some forms of relationship I am unconsciously looking for.

Maybe, maybe not. I guess I am thinking about it because I had to ask someone to take care of Bubu, whom I don’t really want to talk to since he would probably take every chance to get closer to me. But I don’t want to say it’s similar to D, cause I would never let someone I don’t like kiss me? or hold hands? But again, I definitely felt D’s withdraw from the beginning, I won’t spend time guessing anymore. My life would probably be the same. 

Last night while watching a show, Hannah asked her day:” I just want to do the right thing, tell me if this is the right thing to do.” And her day said, “You’ll know if it is the right thing.” I guess I don’t know if anything is the right thing. 

I think I had a dream, and when I woke up, I felt I had three of those dreams, and it really made me think: am I living in another world while sleeping? Also in one of the dreams, M was in it, and he was outside my door, having a bunch of roses, trying to apologize to me, and I was inside my apartment, panic, and trying to find my cell phone asking for help. I don’t remember if I jump out of the window in the dram or not. But when I wake up, I feel so relieved it’s a dream. 

It is so wried sometimes, sometimes, like I remember I was with someone, but other times, I remember what I did, how I felt and had a doubt if I were just by myself or with someone.  

I am a little scared of what comes next. But I want to stay positive: whatever will be, will be. 

[coolfoulsharkstudentposts-blog]

Dragon Woman By Melissa Nichols.

Close friend or Enemy informs the tale of David as well as Tucky, as they are evacuated to Exeter from Strike torn London throughout the Second Globe Battle. If you are not sharing and appreciating exactly how your perspectives vary, even if it indicates occasional tension, then you are maintaining your distinctions to on your own as well as they will smolder, triggering resentment as well as passive-aggressive tendencies that place the relationship in peril. In 1846, when Weatherby ceases being thought about a good friend of Mr. Lincoln" by Lincoln's ruthless better half, the future Great Emancipator's career has actually scarcely begun - yet the grassy field poet's appears never ever to get begun. The tale follows Abby and Gretchen, two friends that are driving the passages and roads of the 1980s secondary school life. After reviewing this publication I gave my pals a list of words as well as inquired to tell me if each word described ladies or children. I am a huge follower of Cari as well as Taryn and would very recommend In charge series, particularly to those who take pleasure in romantic thriller! But I seemed like love emitted from my close friends as well as family members and powered me with each hard turning point. Results were mixed with respect to our hypothesis that the relation between goals and projection is self-perpetuating. Blinded by the responsibility that your manager leaves, you promptly claimed yes, cannot become aware that you are not precisely an event organizer. Scott's fatality came just 2 days after a L.a Superior Court judge rejected a demand by legal representatives for SLA radical-turned- homemaker Sara Jane Olson to video his testimony for her upcoming test. Your whine about his beard-hair on the sink seems to pale right into insignificance alongside Sarah's real problems (not to belittle the beard-hair thing though, that spunk is disgusting). Your manager will value your direct approach and also this will certainly divide you from your peers, who might be waiting on something to happen instead of making something occur. That indicates that you do not grumble or chatter regarding your boss and also you get your task done. Critics Agreement: Stong lead efficiencies, amusing discussion as well as wry monitorings cement Pals With Money as an additional winning dramedy from writer/director Nicole Holofcener. Who understands, I wish to have an excellent relationship with him however he's not willing to address the problem either. Any one indication can be unintentional, however if your pal presents multiple indications of subconscious tourist attraction, he may be hiding a secret crush on you. Spent with feeling, the squatter girl listened to the pulling back footsteps of her buddy die away in the golden. The evaluation disclosed having an attractive husband or sweetheart was no barrier to a relationship succeeding. After a handful of city strolls I understood that exactly what a lot of them were missing out on was any kind of experience other than a visual experience. These responses have been divided right into two categories: Column two of the table lists responses with therapy with Ibuprofen tablet computers where the possibility of a causal relationship exists: for the responses in Column three, a causal connection with Ibuprofen tablet computers has not been established. On November 24th there could be some commitments connecting to others that you have to take care of. On http://choisissanteblog.fr/ may decide to finish a relationship or this might produce an additional phase or chapter in a partnership. I thought it was ridiculous, but it made my employer happy and also maintained him off my back. Shoes made specifically for people with diabetes are offered at specialized stores and through directories, or you could visit your podiatrist for recommendations. If he obtains a meeting using your referral, talk to your close friend about the possibility of working together. There's one instance when it's fine to correct your manager in public: when your manager incorrectly assumes he or she made a mistake but actually didn't. He'll protect you to the end as well as will certainly be the most faithful buddy you could think of if Scorpio cares regarding you. Annabelle Bernadette Clementine Dodd (Belle") has busy moms and dads who are seldom residence, but she is lucky to be buddies with the family members's caretaker, Bea, that is constantly there for her, particularly in a moment of wonderful threat. Anybody who's discovered themselves in an unpleasant partnership will certainly DEFINITELY intend to have a look at Gone Girl, a genuinely frightening story of marital damage. On leaving his native London to cope with his Manchester based girlfriend, Rob struggles making brand-new friends. You will certainly have a level of neutrality in your sight of the circumstance on the first day that will certainly never be feasible once again because the personalities, the stress, the gains as well as losses you will certainly encounter will tint your reasoning as time goes by. Create a memo to yourself regarding exactly how you see the circumstance, the job, the ands also and also drawback aspects. Do not make plans or try to interrupt video game days - this will simply make him and his buddies dislike you. If your partnership curdle you might have the ability to kick your former enthusiast out of bed, only to run into them two hours later at the water colder. When William Hazlitt later tape-recorded his perceptions of Keats, he claimed that he lacked masculine energy" and also hardy spirit." Provided the focus that Keats's various other friends put on his pugnacity and resolution, the description seems unjustified, unless we suppose that Hazlitt was only keeping in mind exactly how Keats showed up at this particularly agonised time. In exchange for reserving several of your wants and needs, you get to share unique experiences with your friends. Hanna and also Will are the most significant scientific research geeks ever before, and I love them a lot more after checking out Stunning Manager. Three days weekly was a speed I can sustain When I included that fourth day in, the additional stress and anxiety started to develop and also accumulate. Countless Manager Setting - this is you with one life seeing just how far you could obtain versus a limitless selection of bosses. On Saturday, he played volleyball on the coastline with Keller and that night he went to the club, Tripp's, with two ladies buddies. As an example, it is not suggested for some guys with kidney, heart and liver troubles. Even if he must fall in love with you, he could still have trouble committing to marriage or any type of lasting relationship.

[wheres-the-bear]

Hello, It’s Me (100 Questions)

These were fun! If you’re new, hi. My name is Ashley, and I hope you can learn something about me :)

1: When you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? I usually have more milk than cereal. 2: Do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? Depends on how cold the air is and strong the breeze. lol 3: What random objects do you use to bookmark your books? Receipts, movie tickets, slivers of notes. 4: How do you take your coffee/tea? Coffee: cream & sugar. Tea: Agave & a little bit of cream. 5: Are you self-conscious of your smile? Nope :) 6: Do you keep plants? Yes. 7: Do you name your plants? No. 8: What artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? Usually writing. Sometimes drawing or painting. 9: Do you like singing/humming to yourself? Yes. 10: Do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? I sleep on my sides. 11: What's an inner joke you have with your friends? Oh my, so many! 12: What's your favorite planet? Always loved Neptune & Uranus because of their colors. Be mature. 13: What's something that made you smile today? Being an absolute loon to try to get my husband to smile. 14: If you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? Oh my gosh - modern, light and airy, with lots of plants and contrasting elements. 15: Go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! Most of the book The Martian is accurate. 16: What's your favorite pasta dish? A Stanley Tucci recipe with homemade sauce, tomatoes, and basil. 17: What color do you really want to dye your hair? I’ve always wanted a lighter, warmer blonde or, on the extreme end, teal. 18: Tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. I tripped over a ropes course wire in 8th grade and f*cked up my knee. Ever since then, it’s been a running joke that something so simple caused such catastrophic damage. 19: Do you keep a journal? What do you write/draw/ in it? I keep a mental health BuJo, and I loveee it for keeping track of my habits and thoughts. 20: What's your favorite eye color? I really love dark, chocolate brown eyes. But I am appreciative of all eye colors. 21: Talk about your favorite bag, the one that's been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. My plaid North Face backpack my mom got me right before college. I’ve taken it out of the country, it’s sat in libraries with me as I’ve studied and wrote. I love that thing. 22: Are you a morning person? Yes. 23: What's your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? Watch TV and movies, eat junk food, stay in sweatpants. Preferably staying in bed for a while. 24: Is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? Of course. My husband. 25: What's the weirdest place you've ever broken into? I can’t say I’ve ever broken into anything or anywhere. 26: What are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit? Black flats from Payless Shoes. 27: What's your favorite bubblegum flavor? Spearmint or Winter Mint from Orbit. 28: Sunrise or sunset? Sunrises inspire me more, for sure. 29: What's something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? Any time they laugh and can’t stop, I think it is the absolute greatest thing. 30: Think of it: have you ever been truly scared? Of course. Every near car accident or actual accident, I’ve gotten terrified. 31: What is your opinion of socks? Do you like wearing weird socks? Do you sleep with socks? Do you confine yourself to white sock hell? Really, just talk about socks. My husband collects socks, so I enjoy finding fun pairs for him. I’m a simple, short black sock kind of person with the occasional unique fuzzy sock on cold winter days. 32: Tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. Nothing crazy. But some of my most meaningful conversations have happened in those early morning hours. 33: What's your fave pastry? I have a huge sweet tooth, so I can’t even claim a favorite. 34: Tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. What is it called? What does it look like? Do you still keep it? I had a lot of stuffed animals as a kid. To be honest, I couldn’t tell you what I used to call them. My favorite was a stuffed giraffe though. 35: Do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? Do you use them often? Yes and yes! In my bullet journal. 36: Which band's sound would fit your mood right now? John Mayer, Where the Light Is to be honest. 37: Do you like keeping your room messy or clean? Clean! But most of the time, it’s messy. 38: Tell us about your pet peeves! Loud chewers. Dripping faucets. People who are terrible drivers (no blinkers, aggressive and irresponsible, etc.). Egos.  39: What color do you wear the most? Jewel tones - emerald, royal purple. 40: Think of a piece of jewelry you own: What's it's story? Does it have any meaning to you? My wedding band and engagement ring are probably my two most prized pieces of jewelry, followed by a pair of diamond earrings my late grandmother gave me when I graduated from college. 41: What's the last book you remember really, really loving? The Kite Runner was the first one that came to mind, but that wasn’t the last book. 42: Do you have a favorite coffee shop? Describe it! Rooster Moon, by my house. It’s a little hipster establishment with cute decor, indie music, and great coffee! 43: Who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? My husband, I believe. Probably on our honeymoon? 44: When was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? Thankfully, I have those moments often. Last weekend, over MLK, was probably the last time. 45: Do you trust your instincts a lot? I try to, yes. 46: Tell us the worst pun you can think of. “I put my grandma on speed dial. I call that Instagram.” -_____- 47: What food do you think should be banned from the universe? Canned asparagus. 48: What was your biggest fear as a kid? Is it the same today? Spiders, or wet, loose hair. Both are still pretty terrifying. 49: Do you like buying CDs and records? What was the last one you bought? I like buying CDs, but I don’t do it very often. The last CDs I purchased were Beyonce’s Lemonade and Chris Stapleton’s Traveler.  50: What's an odd thing you collect? Shark teeth? I don’t really collect anything anymore. 51: Think of a person. What song do you associate with them? My husband, and I think of “Kings and Queens” by 30 Seconds to Mars. 52: What are your favorite memes of the year so far? I haven’t seen many? 53: Have you ever watched the Rocky Horror Picture Show? Heathers? Beetlejuice? Pulp fiction? What do you think of them? I’ve only seen Beetlejuice and it was a long time ago. I remember thinking it was weird. 54: Who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? My hubby - he was in an accident recently and his beloved truck was rendered totaled. 55: What's the most dramatic thing you've ever done to prove a point? Did my research!  56: What are some things you find endearing in people? Little actions that require observation. 57: Go listen to Bohemian Rhapsody. How did it make you feel? Did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? Of course. My cousin and I used to sing a scream-o version of it, and it cracks me up thinking about it every time. 58: Who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? Why? Britney is the wine mom and I’m probably the Vodka Aunt. Or Alissa is the Vodka Aunt. 59: What's your favorite myth? Nessie the Loch Ness Monster. 60: Do you like poetry? What are some of your faves? All-time fave has always been “The Kiss” by Sarah Teasdale. 61: What's the stupidest gift you've ever given? The stupidest one you've ever received? I can’t say I’ve ever given or received a gag gift. 62: Do you drink juice in the morning? Which kind? Not usually, but if I do, it’s Apple Juice. 63: Are you fussy about your books and music? Do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? I leave them be. 64: What color is the sky where you are right now? It’s a lovely dark blue. 65: Is there anyone you haven't seen in a long time who you'd love to hang out with? Anyone from college, tbh. 66: What would your ideal flower crown look like? Oh my, cafe au lait dahlias with some poppies for color! <3 67: How do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? When they’re few and far between, inspired. 68: What's winter like where you live? So far, very mild. Lots of rain. We normally have a few big snowstorms though. 69: What are your favorite board games? Apples to Apples, Phase 10, and Uno. 70: Have you ever used a ouija board? Nope. 71: What's your favorite kind of tea? Lady Grey or Earl Grey. 72: Are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it? Yes, absolutely. 73: What are some of your worst habits? I crack my knuckles. It drives my boss crazy. 74: Describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. They are super caring, in tune with God, would give anything for those they’re close to. I admire them and their family so much for their resilience and strength. 75: Tell us about your pets! I have a cat. Her name is Bagheera - she is a black and brown striped tabby. And she’s a big meanie. Unfortunately /: Nice to me, not to other people. 76: Is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't? I should be taking a shower. 77: Pink or yellow lemonade? Classic yellow :) 78: Are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? I like them. I’m not really passionate about loving or hating them. 79: What's one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? Definitely any surprise trip or flowers, a phone call with a serenade, a random trip to watch stars. 80: What color are your bedroom walls? Did you choose that color? If so, why? They are eggshell or ivory. I didn’t choose them -- we just haven’t painted them since we’ve moved into our house. 81: Describe one of your friend's eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. The water of Magen’s Bay in St. Thomas. 82: Are/were you good in school? I was alright, more on the “good” side, I guess.  83: What's some of your favorite album art? The Chainsmokers’ singles lately have been on. point. 84: Are you planning on getting tattoos? Which ones? I can never commit to any, so I doubt I’ll ever get one. 85: Do you read comics? What are your faves? The last time I read/bought a comic was when Captain America: Civil War came out. Before that, hardly EVER. It was all about Get Fuzzy in elementary/high school. 86: Do you like concept albums? Which ones? I don’t even know what they are, tbh. lol 87: What are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? Into the Wild and The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. 88: Are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? Whatever movement Albert Bierstadt was a part of. 89: Are you close to your parents? To my mom, yes. 90: Talk about your one of you favorite cities. I love London. I love how it feels, the energy, the history, the elegance and architecture, the tradition. I love it. 91: Where do you plan on traveling this year? Nowhere special. Maybe the Outer Banks for a long weekend?  92: Are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? Barely sprinkles. I like the sauce better :) 93: What's the hairstyle you wear the most? Either air-dry or up in a pony tail. 94: Who was the last person you know to have a birthday? My uncle, whose birthday was Feb. 19. But my stepdad’s is on March 3 and my mom’s is on March 9. 95: What are your plans for this weekend? Sleep, church, movies. Pizza. lol 96: Do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? I usually procrastinate. Lame. 97: Myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? Myer Briggs is INFJ/ENFJ. Zodiac: Cancer. Hogwarts House: Ravenclaw. 98: When's the last time you went hiking? Did you enjoy it? Oh my. It’s been a while, but yes. I thoroughly enjoyed it. 99: List some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. “Wonderland” by Taylor Swift. “Halocene” by Bon Iver. “Blinding” by Jakwob. “Feel So Close” by Calvin Harris. 100: If you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? Why? Definitely 5 years into the past because I would have done things so much differently as a teacher. I would have been more open to ALL of my students and taken advantage of the time I had to get to know as many of them as possible instead of just a small few. The future should be unknown - I’m excited about that.

[toclaireify]

OneHunna Truths

1.       I’m a terrible dancer.

2.       While I was in Europe, I explored every old church that I could. Not for religious purposes. Mostly because I found such peace and beauty within them.

3.       I’m not a nice person before my morning coffee.

4.       I can’t sit normally. Usually I have to be curled up in a ball or have one leg tucked under the other.

5.       I always crave fruit and sushi when I’m hungover.

6.       I’m probably the most easily scared person on the face of the planet.

7.       Don’t look for validation in other people.

8.       Graduating scared me shitless. I always had a plan or next step, and for the first time in my life, I was just taking it one step at a time.

9.       I wish I could be a pseudo-adult forever.

10.   Whenever I get really drunk, I snore really loud.

11.   I only have tolerance for very few people.

12.   The last episode of Dawson’s Creek is the only thing that can make me cry.

13.   I hate wearing shoes, but I love their aesthetic

14.   I’m so lucky to have a friend like Daniel. He writes me motivational emails and makes the best playlists.

15.   I constantly crave Panera salads.

16.   Life is too short to drink shitty wine.

17.   I fell in love with an Oxford boy in England.

18.   I’m terrified that I peaked at 21.

19.   I got finessed into buying an up-and-coming rapper $200 worth of polo while I was blacked out.

20.   I get in fights with homeless people and overly aggressive males.

21.   I’ve seen Matt Nathanson live 6 times, and met him three times. You could say he’s my favorite human being on the planet.

22.   Post graduate depression is a very real thing.

23.   I never text first.

24.   Lots of people know me as a social butterfly, but in all actuality, I am a huge socially awkward introvert.

25.   This past year has definitely been one of self-discovery and new experiences.

26.   I don’t think I’ll experience any better years than the ones I spent in my undergrad at WVU.

27.   The funny thing is, I was never supposed to end up there, yet that is the place where I became the person I believe I was meant to be.

28.   I’ve worked at Gap for five years, holy shit.

29.   I’m obsessed with getting my nails done.

30.   I traveled to a foreign country for two weeks, didn’t tell my parents, and got away with it.

31.   I’m still on a journey of discovering my own self-worth.

32.   This dude who interned with me last semester tried to make out with me while I was blacked out eating a hotdog at Joe’s.

33.   Fuck the Domain.

34.   I’ve been trying to be more creative like painting and writing and shit. It’s not going very well so far.

35.   Boys have cooties.

36.   Stephanie Rochelle is the North West to my Penelope Disick.

37.   Living in 813 has been my favorite living situation thus far.

38.   My heart cannot fully express how much I adore my Evans Street boys.

39.   Home would suck without Sarah and Coop.

40.   I’ve done way more drugs than I probably should have.

41.   I lost my phone in a club in London, and it was one of the most traumatic moments of my life.

42.   Friends who have good taste in music are friends for life.

43.   I failed all my classes while studying abroad because I would skip all the time to travel instead.

44.   Not a day goes by that I don’t miss living in England. I miss all my friends so much.

45.   I enjoy spelling out obscene messages on diy party banners.

46.   Listen to Bodega Boys.

47.   One of the biggest compliments you can pay me is saying you want to drink with me, and trust me, I get that a lot.

48.   Mix orange juice with a 40oz. You won’t regret it.

49.   Don’t worry, I’m still obsessed with wine.

50.   Every time I go to Bent Willy’s, I black out.

51.   Black Lives Matter.

52.   Sometimes you just gotta dance it out to ‘I Wanna Dance’ by Whitney Houston.

53.   I low-key wanna be best friends with Schoolboy Q’s cousin because all he does is drive around downtown LA and drink lean.

54.   Lil B follows me on twitter.

55.   Gin and tonic has become my drink of choice.

56.   My parents illegally opened up my mail and discovered I had $5,500 worth of credit card debt.

57.   I left Joe Mama’s to go hook up with a dude, and then came back to the bar an hour later.

58.   One of the best talents I possess is being able to roll up a yoga mat perfectly symmetrical.

59.   I fall in love with strangers daily.

60.   I downloaded tinder for two weeks, but got rid of it because it was just way too much.

61.   I wish I had enough money to go where I want to go and do the things I want to do.

62.   I’m convinced that I am my biggest obstacle in life. No matter how much I want to achieve my goals, I often find that the only thing holding me back is myself and my fear.

63.   My biggest guilty pleasure is BuzzFeed. Send me a quiz so I know it’s real.

64.   Children are the strangest creatures on the planet. I can’t believe I ever was one.

65.   I obsess over other people’s animals because I no longer have any of my own.

66.   I just really fucking love food.

67.   I’ll always wonder why I was never good enough.

68.   Sometimes I wonder if Michael and Suzanne are aware that they gave birth to the baddest bitch in West Virginia.

69.   I love reading my horoscope, no matter how corny they are.

70.   Some days I feel like I would never be happy not being single. Other days, I kind just wanna get cuffed.

71.   When, I eat pepperoni pizza, I pick all the pepperoni off first and eat it, then I eat the actual pizza.

72.   I low-key think I have anxiety and depression, but I guess I’ve managed it pretty well on my own so far?

73.   I feel like I can definitely feel energies around me. Like positive and negative energies. Uneasiness. Stuff like that.

74.   I honestly don’t think I’ll ever have as good a group of friends than I have right now.

75.   I crave financial independence. But it’s a lot harder than I ever thought it would be.

76.   They say I’m the queen of Morgantown, and they’re not wrong.

77.   More than anything, I just don’t want to lose my spark.

78.   I love hanging out in libraries.

79.   I’m not comfortable with staying in the same place for very long. I’m always looking forward to being anywhere different than where I am at any given time.

80.   Shameless is probably the best show I’ve watched in a really long time.

81.   I own an obscene amount of wine glasses, and none of them match.

82.   Tumblr is my favorite form of social media. I don’t ever post anything, but I’ll spend hours reblogging stuff.

83.   I only recently learned how to contour and do my brows. I love doing my makeup, but I suck at it.

84.   Also, I fucking hate doing my hair. Mostly because I suck at that too.

85.   I think my father is low-key ashamed of me because I’m anti everything he believes in.

86.   And Suzanne is afraid to talk about politics in front of me because she’ll know I’ll come in with wild hot takes that make her uncomfortable.

87.   So clearly I’m the only liberal in my family.

88.   Don’t ever get a credit card. Or four. They will ruin your life.

89.   But fuck capitalism, amiright?

90.   I’m not good at dealing with confrontation.

91.   The only channel on TV that’s worth watching is Viceland.

92.   I honestly love being in school. It gives me a ton of structure, and I just really like to learn.

93.   I don’t believe that “everything happens for a reason” bullshit.

94.   I was meant to be a wine mom in another life.

95.   “IDK I’m just out here” has basically been my life for the past six months.

96.   At the end of the day we all just want to matter.

97.   I never feel like I get enough sleep.

98.   Student loans are the new housing market bubble.

99.   I took me A LOT longer than what I wanted to write this. I started in August of 2016 and just now ended in February 2017, but I think you can definitely see the progression of my thoughts over those months.

100. Every year, these never get old. But sometimes it’s hard for me to come up with stuff. Mostly because it’s hard for me to be honest to myself. But if anything, you should always tell the truth, to the people you value most in life and yourself.