#Some good old fashioned guilt complex right there

[sisaloofafump]

Clark…

[cosmicjoke]

Lestat and the journey of Self-Acceptance:

So once again I’ve been speaking with others about the Vampire Chronicles and particularly about Lestat, and the sort of disconnect and frustration and disappointment book fans have been feeling with AMC’s show, and it’s gotten me to thinking a lot about some of the things I’ve seen people say in defense of the show’s characterization of Lestat and his characterization in the later books.

I’ve only just started Body Thief for the first time and it’s obvious that it’s about Lestat grappling with his monstrous nature.  The person I was talking to said that Anne Rice herself said that “TotBT” is really about Lestat coming to terms with the fact that he basically likes being what he is, he likes being a monster.  I guess some people don’t like the later books for this reason, or they think it’s out of character for Lestat to suddenly enjoy being a monster when before it was such a source of pain and struggle for him.  But early as I’m into “TotBT”, I think people who feel that way are missing a fundamental point about Lestat’s character, and what his character actually represents.  Grappling with his vampiric nature, with the monstrous side of himself, has been an issue Lestat’s dealt with through every book, trying to reconcile the pleasure and enjoyment he gets from killing as a vampire, with the guilt and remorse he feels as a person.  And again, as early on as I am into this book, it sounds like a journey of self acceptance for Lestat in Body Thief.  And here’s the thing.  From what people who have read all the books have said,  Lestat NEVER does anything in any of the books on par with episode 5.  He never hurts Louis in the specific, deliberate, violent way in the books as he does in the show.

Lestat ISN’T that kind of monster, right?  He doesn’t get pleasure out of hurting those he loves.  He doesn’t ever hurt those he loves on purpose.  He’s a vampire, literally a fictional predatory creature who’s moments of happiness and contentment  come from the kill.  And as far as I understand these books, vampirism is really meant as a metaphor for being an outcast, for struggling with the parts of ourselves we may hate or feel rejected for.  It’s not meant to be a literal declaration on good vs evil.  It’s an exploration in self-acceptance.  Lestat accepting that he likes “being a monster” is Lestat accepting that he likes himself, that he shouldn’t be made to feel guilty or repulsive or lesser for what he is. 

But turning Lestat into a domestic violence abuser changes all that.  That falls outside the purview of his vampirism, that part of himself he feels ashamed of and repulsed by, and struggles to accept.  That just turns him into a straight up bad guy.  Someone who intentionally and maliciously hurts those he loves in incredibly brutal fashion out of possessiveness.   Lestat being a vampire and eventually coming to terms with it and even embracing and loving it is a metaphor for self-acceptance and self-love, and that ISNT the same as just being a violent piece of shit who has no qualms about using violence against those he claims to love in order to get what he wants.  That’s not Lestat accepting the part of himself which he struggled with for so long, that’s Lestat just being a villain.  It dumbs his character down into this basic bad guy, when in reality, he’s this extremely complex person.  His journey of self acceptance is actually a beautiful thing.  Lestat didn’t choose to become a vampire, it was forced on him, similar, I would say, to people being born as a certain race, or with a certain sexual orientation, or of a certain class, something they have no control or say over, but have to live with nonetheless.  And Lestat’s suffered incredibly for it.  Just 50 pages into TotBT and he’s tried to kill himself over how much guilt and self loathing he feels for what he is, an attempt spurred by his desire to kill an old, innocent woman, a desire he yields to eventually, and which then makes him feel so deeply repulsed and horrified by himself for that he tries to end his own life.  It reinforces this long held belief he has of himself, that he has no value, no purpose, that his very existence is a stain and a burden on everyone around him, that he can only bring misery and horror to those he loves.  Beliefs that began even before he became a vampire, with the way his own family made him feel like a burden and a disgrace and an undesirable.  Something AGAIN reinforced by his relationship with Nicki, and then again later still with Louis and Claudia.�� Lestat’s whole journey seems to me to be one of struggle in accepting the parts of himself he’s always been made to feel he should be ashamed of or repulsed by.  His vampirism isn’t meant to be seen as a literal embodiment of “evil”, it’s meant as a metaphor for struggling with the parts of ourselves we’re born with and have no control over, and which society, and sometimes our families and friends even, make us feel ashamed of.  So him eventually overcoming that should be viewed as a heroic triumph, not a dark turn, as I’ve seen people claim.  People who decry the later books as turning Lestat “more evil” and how out of character it seems, I feel like are missing the entire point.  That said, I’m only 50 pages into TotBT, so I’m no authority.   But that’s just how it seems to me. 

[takaraphoenix]

Ship game!! What about Nico and Will?? It’s pretty popular, but I don’t think I’ve seen you write much of it…

That's an interesting one in that I have vocalized my reasons for disliking it way back when it first became popular but instead of just linking that, it has been years so I think it's time for an updated version.

Firstly: This post is gonna be properly tagged and not crosstagged so if any shipper comes across it and feels the need to bitch about it, just don't; your lack of curating your own tumblr experience is not my problem! ;D

Now, there are three key factors that play into my dislike of this ship: How it was written, what it represents, how the fandom around it acts.

1. It’s rushed and uncomfortable

In BoO, it was incredibly rushed. They had literally five sentences of interactions before they walked into the literal sunset together. Five. It was just entirely born from Riordan's Noah's Ark Complex, where he just can't let people be single. The series was ending and he needed Nico to have an endgame so he rushed into some random romance with zero build-up.

The way their interactions went down was also severely uncomfortable for me. Will was acting so offended by Nico not wanting to go to camp and be friends in an entitled way that he had no right to be, he downright guilt-tripped Nico about how he had wanted to be friends. Nico has been just so severely traumatized at such a young age and his coping mechanism, as unhealthy as it was, was to run away and hide. Will acted like Nico not wanting to form attachments to people who could potentially leave him again was somehow just an Edgy Emo Decision and not a direct reaction to his trauma. His entire approach to Nico was basically all these hippie posts of "Don't have depression!! Just go out into the sun and stop being depressed!", which is already a bad take with non-medical people but he's supposed to be a doctor (and let's not get into the shadiness of him technically being Nico's doctor).

There is also an inherent "I can fix him" angle to this ship and to me, only few ship dynamics are more uncomfortable than that. If you want to fundamentally change a person's behavior and personality, you... don't actually want to be with this person.

Now, here's where my points overlap, because the following parts of their writing that bothers me also stand for what this ship fundamentally represents.

2. Solangelo is a queer ship written by and for straights

I'm a queer woman and as a queer woman, I want queer wish-fulfillment, not what straights want out of queerness. I'm kind of tired of that, I've been sitting through it for enough decades now. That's, of course, not to say that no straight writer can give proper queer representation, but far too often do straight writers - even the most well-meaning ones - project straight desires of queerness into their queer representation.

Let me explain that closer through this ship.

Nico's been in love with Percy for years and I'm going to do my best to not hijack this post with some Percico agenda; that's not what this his about, this isn't some "my ship is better than your ship" ship-war nonsense. It's simply a canonical fact that Nico has had romantic feelings for another character for years.

A character who, in this medium, is heterosexual. And if you're queer, you've been there. In love with your straight best friend. It's a cliche, but it's a cliche for a reason.

We have also all been well-meaningly rejected by said straight friend.

And here's the straight desires for you: The queer person who was in love with a straight person just immediately stops having those feelings and will then as quickly as possible fall in love with the next queer person they meet to be happy and no longer uncomfortably in love with a straight person, because that thought makes the straights uncomfortable.

Queer wish-fulfillment would be for Percy to return those feelings, for the queer character to get his first love, to not be rejected. That thing queer teens always dreamed about for themselves.

Aside from the wish-fulfillment angle, the pacing is another problem. Let me repeat, Nico was in love for years. But a five sentence conversation with Will once causes a crush on Will and we see him physically turn away from Percy and toward Will just immediately to rebound and actually fall out of love with Percy and in love with Will. Anyone who's ever been unlucky in love will attest to just how unrealistic and ridiculous the pacing here is.

It's also straight queerness in another respect; Nico has been the first ever queer character we meet in that world. He loves a straight guy - and to get over that, we introduce the second queer character. Because heaven forbid there are multiple queers to pick from. No, in straight-written queer romances, there is always that one main queer and then they introduce a second one and the two just immediately hit it off and develop a romance like all a queer person needs to form attraction to someone is the confirmation that the other person shares your sexuality.

Also the notable gay guy on gay guy ship here, whereas the more queer-wish-fulfillment option would have also included more nuance to the queer experience, because Percy doesn't have to be heterosexual just because he has only been with girls so far. It's a very old-fashioned - think 90s and early 2000s - kind of straight-written queerness that there are only exactly two homosexuals and that those two homosexuals then pair up.

And, listen, I'm not immune to these outdated straight-written queers entirely, I have many such ships that I grew up with that I am still fond of because they were groundbreaking at that time and they weren't outdated yet back when they happened in said 90s and early 2000s. I am however a grown woman now and just like I have grown, so has queer rep so I am not as easily baited into falling onto my knees in gratitude for canon rep. You have to go with the times. And this ship, by all that is given to us, is just entirely outdated straight-written rep.

Which, I mention earlier that even straight-written rep can be good. If the author tries. Riordan doesn't really try though; he does the bare minimum when he writes any of his rep - and there have been many, many more qualified voices being very vocal about his depiction of people of color and, as a woman, I've been vocal about his depiction of women. I don't want to derail this post with all of that, but I do think that it bears mentioning that Riordan doing rep but only doing a bare minimum and not putting in the necessary work to deepen the representation he wants to give is a repeating pattern that has been pointed out many times by now.

(I’d also like to point out that no, it is not just the ship and not just the listed instances that make it straight-written rep for straights. It’s Nico’s entire queer arc, starting with his forced coming out. A severely traumatizing event that is completely brushed over because the straight author doesn’t understand the impact this has on queer people. Not to mention the framework; Nico’s coming out isn’t Nico’s story, it happens in Jason’s POV, it is given to us through the POV of the straight bystander who gets to be Best Ally by assuring Nico that being gay is okay. This kind of coming out is not a queer wish-fulfillment, it’s a straight wish-fulfillment of getting to be the straight savior, the ally to show the gay the light of acceptance. And, additional to the ridiculous pacing of how fast Nico gets over his love for Percy, Nico also gets over years of internalized homophobia just because of, I don’t know, Jason’s few encouraging words and the fact that Will paid attention to him? For a gay kid who was in the closet all his life, the nonchalant way in which he publicly confessed his crush to Percy at the end made absolutely no sense and was written as basically a joke, finished off with Nico literally high-fiving Percy’s girlfriend despite those two never having seen eye to eye before but this is straight wish-fulfillment so all straights are Super Allies, because that’s the way straights want to see themselves, even though Annabeth has shown before just how jealous she can be and she most definitely wouldn’t go around high-fiving people who confess to her boyfriend. Nothing about Nico’s queer arc in HoO felt natural or queer or satisfying.)

Sure, Solangelo on a surface level is big because it's a canon queer couple in a YA book-series and kudos for that and yay for the kids who get to grow up seeing queers in YA books, but I actually do think that kids growing up with books written in the 2010s shouldn't grow up with 1990s levels of representation, because the 2010s overall are actually at a far more nuanced and better level of representation when it comes to queerness. And I do reserve the right to quit on too straight-written and too outdated queer rep in a landscape where I can get more satisfying representation elsewhere; we don’t live in times anymore where you necessarily have to love every bit of rep because it’s the only one you get.

Now that we've gone through my first two gripes, let's wrap this up with the final point, because it also directly ties into this.

3. The new wave of antis hiding behind this ship

A huge part of the fandom is so busy kissing Riordan's ass solely for giving them queer rep at all they think that both the author and the ship are beyond flawless and that kind of attitude is not good. Just because an author includes rep doesn't make either perfect. Absolutely no one is beyond critique - especially not when said critique comes from the very people the author is representing. And even beyond any "valid" critique on the ship, quite frankly, someone should also be allowed to just not like it, without any reasons given at all.

But there is a certain... protective obsessiveness about this ship that doesn't allow a not liking. Very similar to how PJO bore this mindset around Perc/abeth already. It's okay to have OTPs, even OTPs that you have a blindspot for and just don't want to see any flaws in. It is however not okay to then go around attacking people who don't like the thing and mind their own business.

Solangelo's bred a new generation of antis in this fandom. And, particularly with the fact that this post too receives an "anti" tag, I feel like there needs to be a clarification (because tumblr likes to forget what actually makes an anti). Not liking something doesn't make you an anti, venting in properly tagged posts doesn't either; it's the people who harass others, who seek out the content they dislike to then complain that it even exists and who actively try to make others stop creating for it - those are antis.

And with Solangelo's popularity, there was a high rise in Percico antis, who sought it out, were unnecessarily nasty about it, harrassed creators and tried to enforce some kind of "Solangelo supremacy" that won't allow other ships for the characters.

I've been in fandom long enough to be perfectly aware that not all Solangelo shippers count into this category and that there are completely normal and nice Solangelo shippers, but this is a Venn diagram where the overlap between Solangelo shippers and antis is too large to not widely associate the nasty people with the ship itself. (I've been there myself, shipping the very ship behind which a fandom's antis all hid. The second-hand embarrassment of having these people give the ship a bad name is horrendous and I do feel bad for all the normal Solangelo shippers.)

The more often I encountered these people, who made Percico bad (sometimes in wildly ridiculous manners that bent and deliberately misinterpreted canon) and who in the same breath praised Solangelo high, the more tired I grew of that ship. It's a simple game of association, really. You see that linked to the gross and nasty behavior and you start associating the ship itself with that gross and nasty behavior - and with all the things I said before that already weighed into my dislike of the ship, this just was the final tipping point, really.

And that's it. That sums up why I dislike Solangelo. It was hastily rushed, uncomfortable in its execution, it is outdated rep that very much feels as straight-written as it factually is and it does not feel aimed at me as a queer person but rather at the straight audience and it has gathered a cult following of quite uncomfortable people who on their own would be reason enough to avoid it so you can avoid them.

Send me a ship and I will explain why I do or don't ship it

[lee-scribbles-and-doodles]

S3 ep5

Current emotional status: FEAR

Cthulu Max has been on the rampage for a whole week!?

Ew, the narrator

Oh man, are they sending the airforce after him?

I really like Cthulu Max's design

Momma Bosco 💗

Oh hey, Norrington and Papierwaite are alive.

Superball are you saying you tried to send the Maimtrons up Max's--

Also he's acting president while Max is... deposed of.

Superball is only giving Sam until 6am :(

Featherly!

"Wandering around the moleman tunnels is no fun without Max."

"You got it all wrong, we're trying to help Max." "We will help him... to a generous serving of ass whooping."

"That is one rabbit who will be multiplied... into 2,000 smoldering pieces."

Carol ran off with Blustet

"I only want her to be happy, is all." Aw, Curt

Superball just admitted to having separation anxiety from Max

Ok Momma can't come but Papierwaite and Norringron can.

I like Norrington :)

GASP

Is it?

It is!

SYBIL!!!!

RETURN OF THE QUEEN

Oh, she is very pregnant

She was a wizard at one point?

She's gonna help!

Superball there's no such thing as acceptable losses

Abe has his body back

"Four score and seven tons of raw power"

HE CAN FLY NOW!?

Sybil, I love you, but why did you mod someone else's car???

Grandpa Stinky I love you

Oh, he just handed us the recipe for once.

Asdfff the spore maxes swarming Grandpa

They stole Grandpa's hotdogs

"We must feed the host! Piglets and sphinkters make us stronger!" "We regret nothing!"

Grandpa hasn't slept in three years

Sam just casually taking the last of Grandpa's corndogs

The spores are trying to get it

Lol Sam slapped them

Sal's alive!

He's hiding from Sam :(

Lol we can control Cthulu Max with Corndogs

Ew, the cornstarch got mixed in with the giant puddle 🤢 Looks gross

Love how Sybil completely ignores the Flaming Max head

Also the look of disappointment on the spore's face made me laugh

Fifth trimester???

The way the one Max spore by Grandpa's truck is bobbing in circles with his mouth open is making me laugh.

Sam showing concern for Sybil because she’s preggers 🥺

Her being pregnant with Abe's child implies that statues have working genital in this universe

She put a weiner scented airfreshener in the desoto

At least Sam and a Max spore seem to like that (of course they do)

"Sybil you're the best!" Hell yeah she is!

Sam's mind went to the color bar codes to prevent being traumatized by Sybil's oversharing

We drowned the desoto

Asdfgh Sam just botched slapped one of the spores for trying to say "that's none of your damn buisness."

Ew, Max's spine is pointing out

Oh hey, Satan and Jurgen

Why is Jurgen wearing his old fashioned clothes instead of his emo clothes?

Lol Sam snuck into frame to shout "Go Mets! New York rules!"

"--besides it's just a good and noble thing to do." "You're not familiar with my previous work, are you?"

"Sam, what happened to you to make you so cynical?" Gee, Jurgen, I wonder what could have possibly happened.

Oh so the water tower counts as vegetable oil because Momma did something to it

Pfft we can replace Satan's microphone with a corndog

Omg they jumped off the building to avoid Max

Oh, they're fine, and the oil is in the giant puddle.

I'm thankful to Featherly for giving us an egg but I'd have preferred not to watch him lay it. Granted it was just in a cartoon way but he still made weird noises

Also TRANS FEATHERLY 2021

"I desperately wanted to see that, sir. Ask him if he'll lay another one."

Oh hey, the Flaming Max heads helped heat up the giant desoto corndog

Since I'm playing this in 2021 the Maimtron's song references are super dated, which defeats Superball's efforts

Oooh! A unique opening sequence???

Oh this music is jazzy af

Sam really doesn't like the Max spores

Sam how do you already know what Max's insides look like???

"Even when he's not a collasal monster Max's food comas can last for weeks."

Ok we wake Max up with the coffee beans, right?

Yup!

The gi Max spore is so sad he doesn't get to come 😢

"But I'm a horrible monster!"

"I suppose Max's brain always looks like a living room?" "Well, Max is host to all kinds of weird parasites, and he likes to he a good host!" WHAT

No really, this brings up so many questions about lagomorphs. Are they some kind of Symbiote or something?

And a previous episode confirmed Max is amphibious

Max has tumors!!!

It shocked Sam!

"Eugh! Get away fake Max!" "Do you find my warmth... alarming, Sam?"

"What do nightmares taste like, anyway?" "Pepsi"

Max wants to be author 💗

He also writes fanfiction about Flint 🤣

I'd unironically read his books.

Tina Belcher voice: Friend fiction

Max has an experimental fusion jazz band???

"He just killed a great white shark--"

Max being completely unable to describe a woman is very gay of him. Good for him.

Max's brain teleported everyone to different parts of the body.

Found Sybil in the gym/legs

The brain is broadcasting Sam's thoughts???

Sam couldn't think of a joke for the medicine balls :(

"Wow Max is looking pretty buff. Would it be too weird if I asked him to turn around?"

Sam! Stop thinking bad things about Sybil's pregnancy she can hear you you putz!

She's upset with him now

"Can you believe this guy?" "I find the entire situation to be very contrived and misogynistic." Same spore Max, same.

Sam stop being so mean omg!

"I changed Sybil, I totally get the whole parenthood thing now." "Really now?" "Tax deductions."

In Max's inventory now

Y'know, I never really thought about it as a storage house

Hit The Road reference :3

Baby roach hatched in

"Pa..papa?" "Now I am little champion, now I am!"

Max has a Maximus shrine

Sam turned into a roomba!

Aw, he named it Sam Jr 🥺

We won Sybil back through his love of Sam Jr

Found the conjoined twins

Huh, Max lost as eye. Does that mean he has a glass one, or do lagomorphs have regenerative abilities?

Pfft we have to play twister to control his arma

The brain is messing with things again

Oh, we need a roach to operate the game because of radiation

Well, let's kidnap Sal

Oh, poor Girl Stinky. She's really going through it

Aw, Sal feels bad

Sal?

Honey, are alright?

He's dying???

He's not immune to irradiation!?

Oh no, he's gone

I'm so sad 😞

Gotta pick up Sam Jr. Before I control Max

They mad Max do a magical girl pose

Ugh the narrator is back

Wait, what?

He's Max's brain??? SUPEREGO???

WHAT

"I was always ignored" Yo if my super ego was as pretentious as you I 'd ignore it too 😤

He wants to kill himself and Max???

I know Max had a self loathing complex but holy shit

The super ego is perfectly fine with destroying half the east coast what a jerk

Just noticed Sam's tie is red. Had no idea about this while drawing PI!Sam lol

We have to help Max get his memories back to use the ASTRO projector

Skunkapes has three Sam clones imprisoned

Sam had canon ocd?

Gasp Gordon???

No, it's Sammun Mak

I love him, little child tyrant

Just make him a mobile brain in a jar and let Sam and Max adopt him

Why is Grandpa here?

He isn't talking like Stinky

Too polite

Sam sees it too

He's a space gorilla

They switched brains?

Found the cloning g chamber

Let's go to Momma's first

CONE OF SHAME CONE OF SHAME CONE OF SHAME

Superball is "wracked with guilt"

"Keep it together Superball. Sam will be able to save the day. He always does."

Ok, let's go to the cloning facility

I'm still thinking about poor Sal yo

FLIIIIIINT!

He's punching space apes!

Girl Stinky really playing up the evil Mistress role

The doggleganger has a bomb on him!!!

Wait so Girl really is a mermaid??? I thought that was just her aestetic

God I love Flint

Haha we tricked Skunkape with scooby doo villain tactics

Got the robot

Her water broke... and it was pennies

Max wants to save Sybil! 😭🥺💕

Super Ego is here

Oh now he wants to save Max

The only thing here are those records

Super Ego waved goodbye

Cthulu Max is cute when he cries

Wait What?

His head is on fire!

The maimtron hit him!

He waved goodbye... and teleported away.

He exploaded!!!!

He promised he'd take Sam with him and he didn't!!!!

AAAAAAH

I thought the dead Max thing was popular angst fanon fic thingy!

We're cloning Max?

It didn't work 😭😭😭😭😭

Superball ran off crying

Oh God the credits are just Sam walking sadly what the hell

He's not even stopping to fight any crime 😢

💔💔💔

God the way he's clinging to himself

What?

The elevator???

MAAAAX

he's back???

Past Max???

He blew his Sam up???

Wait hold on I'm glad they're together again but this doesn't fix anything

There's so much trauma from this season

All the horrible things that happened during 301-304 happened in like 3 days tops, then Sam had to deal with Max being a monster for a week before watching him die!

And the new (?) Max had BLOW HIS SAM UP!!!

And they left the franchise like that for a decade????

What the hell?

I want to be happy but this shit is going to consume my brain for the next week at least what the hell

Aaaaaaah!

Like maybe they really do just brush it off but it feels unlikely

I know Max has a connection with his other selves so it'll be easier for him to adjust but certainly Sam is going to notice the discrepancies since he doesn't get the same deal

Someone told me there were multiple endings hold on

Aw, they walked off into the sunrise together

But still

AAAAAAAAH

[thewildomega]

Broken but not Shattered Ch7

Grabbing his money, he decided against his jumper and since it was warm out he even left off his tie but still brought his cloak just incase Y/n got cold. After locking his trunk he made his way up to the Great Hall where he told Y/n he would meet her. Getting there however he didn't see her and furrowed his brows. He was sure he had told her to meet him here at four sharp and it was just that time. Perhaps she was running a bit late or...

"Sev?"

Stopping he turned to his left at the sound of her voice and when his eyes met her he felt his breath catch in his throat. She was in a dress... an actual dress. If he was correct it was called a sundress style with thin straps on her shoulders. The black cotton was flowy, ending a little above her knees. Walking closer to her he swallowed hard at the amount of skin the dress allowed him to see.

He was just starring at you, silently. You knew it wasn't what other girls would consider a date worthy dress but your mother had made it for you and it was the best you had. You had hesitated putting it on while getting ready, never thinking you could pull off dresses and as he stood there staring at you, you were becoming even more self conscious. Licking your lips you bit your lip and looked down. "I..is this okay?"

"It is ah.... you are wearing a dress..."

Tilting your head you furrowed your brows a bit... "Well... y..yes you said we were going on a date so I... I thought..." When it all became to much you closed your eyes and turned on heel, "I'm going to go change..."

Hearing this snapped him out of his trance. Quickly grabbing her wrist he pulled her back to him. "No." Licking his lips he looked down at her and watched her look up to him. "I like it... You look beautiful."

Blushing deeply you saw him give you a small smile before he stepped back some and held out his arm for you to take. Returning his smile you felt him lead you out of the school and towards the village. The two of you spent the walk there talking about the upcoming exams, Severus asking you what things you thought you needed to study the most for and promising to practice with you on those things.

Seeing her smiling at him so softly he knit his brows, "What?" When she shook her head he pushed again, "Tell me."

"You are still treating me the same, you are still pushing me to succeed, even knowing what I am."

"Did you think I would not?" he asked with a raised brow.

Shrugging you looked down to the path. "Omegas are thought to be unintelligent. Most don't even think we are capable of having an education."

"Like who?"

Tilting your head you took a deep breath. "Well my grandfather for one. There isn't many people who know about me Sev, other than my parents and brother the only other people in my family that know are my mom's parents, not even my mom's siblings or my cousins know."

"And your grandfather does not approve of your education?"

"No, not really. He's never said it to me per say but I heard him talking about me when me and Flint were eavesdropping." Looking back up and over the land you felt a small clenching in your chest at the memories.  "He's old fashioned anyway, he doesn't think women should work, he hates that my mom helps my dad out at the bar but as for me... an omega... He thinks that I should have been kept at home, that I shouldn't have been allowed to go to school. I think he was partially worried about people finding out and the danger it would put me in and after Ilvermorny it just got worse but..."

"Wait, what happened to you at Ilvermorny?" She had told him before that she had had a problem with one of her teachers but that had been the end of it.

"I couldn't tell you the whole truth before, you understand that right?" Seeing him nod you gave a small grin before your free hand moved to your amulet. "There was a teacher, my Charms professor, Mr. Lyre.... I never really liked him all that much, no one did, he always made people feel uncomfortable..." Scrunching up your nose you shook your head. "Well last year I didn't have this Amulet to help me, I had to take this potion, this horrible, horrible potion."

"What potion?"

"I don't even think it has a name, all I know is that is was made to help repress all of the signs and traits of omegas. It's really old too. It isn't like this though, because this doesn't hurt, this doesn't make me feel like that made me feel." Knowing what he was about to ask you held on tighter to his arm. "Imagine if every time you felt excited or.. or  had a thought or feeling that was just one of your instincts you would instantly have it ripped away. Then you would be left with this emptiness this completely off feeling that made you feel nauseous." Shaking your head you looked away, "I don't even want to think about it, point is it just sucks. There is absolutely nothing good about it other than the fact that no one knows what I am.... not even sure I knew what I was half the time because it made me so delusional. I never took it during summer break or when I was home but when I went to school I had too."

He didn't like knowing his love was subjected to that. "So what happened?"

"In a nut shell he gave me detention because he thought I was faking when the potion was making me feel sick, an it did, all the time. I tried telling him that I needed to go to the medical wing but he wouldn't let me.... I knew it was the potion wearing off, I always got light headed when I needed to take another dose. I can't remember everything, I know I was sitting in his classroom, it was late and he was close, too close. I think I passed out at one point because the next thing I know I was....I was in his private chambers and then... then I was somewhere I didn't even know.. I found out later it was his home."

He felt his whole body turn tense at that, felt a growl rumble in his chest and his teeth clench together.

"I was crying, terrified. He knew what I was and he... he was an alpha. To him I was no longer his student I was an unclaimed omega.... When he went to... I screamed for my dad and I don't know how but he heard me... sensed that I needed him. He showed up and ripped Mr. Lyre off of me. I have never seen my dad like that, he was so enraged. They started fighting and I wanted to help but my dad told me to stay away...."

When she had to stop to take a break he said nothing, only continued holding her arm and watching her face.

"He was going to kill him, Mr. Lyre. He had threw this dust at my dad, right in his eyes and he couldn't see... I heard him begin to use that curse and I panicked."

Seeing her eyes looking down he frowned. There was a clenching in his heart again and he knew she was getting upset, that this was becoming hard. "Y/n..."

You wanted him to know, he was your alpha, the boy you loved, he deserved to know. Glancing around you saw no one  but still pulled him off of the path and over behind some trees. "You remember the other day at breakfast when you saw me light that letter on fire without using my wand, without even speaking?"

"Yes. You used wandless magic... it was amazing..."

Grinning you looked up to him. "Well it's a little more complex than that. Omegas are naturally frailer than both the other classes. Smaller, weaker but not defenseless. You see nature always has a way to try and level the playing field so Omegas have a better connection to certain elements... mine is fire." Holding up your hand you gave one last look around to make sure the both of you were truly alone before creating a ball of fire in your palm.

Looking at the flames in her hand he felt both his eyes go wide. Watching as she closed her hand to disperse the flame he looked up to her and saw her looking sad and guilt riven. Understanding now he opened and closed his mouth, "You... burnt him?" Seeing her nod but keep her eyes down he blinked. "How bad?"

"I was afraid and in pain... Scared. Before I knew what I was doing I had set the whole room on fire. My dad got me out of there and went back to Get Mr. Lyre but it was too late."

She had killed him... She had burnt him alive. Just staring at her he didn't say anything. He didn't know what to say at first.

"I..I didn't mean to.. I never intended for him to die, I just wanted to save my dad...."

Hear how shaky and soft her voice was along with feeling that clenching in his chest and seeing her shoulders curling up he quickly snapped into action. Wrapping his arm around her he pulled her to him and pet the back of her head as she laid her head on his chest. "Shhh. I understand, I know you would never hurt anyone on purpose." Feeling her nuzzle his chest he kissed the top of her head. The knowledge that that man had almost claimed her, that she had almost belonged to another made the alpha in him feel even more territorial.

Kissing her head again he took a deep breath before pulling away, placing his hand on the small of her back. Walking back onto the path he felt her lace her fingers with his and lean into his arm. Glancing down to her he felt the corner of his mouth tug upwards some, that warm feeling in his chest making him sigh softly. Nothing else was said as they made their way to Hogsmeade. She had seemed rather surprised to find out he was taking her to Madam Puddifoot's Tea shop. He himself had never been in the place but he had heard others talking about it being a ideal date spot.

Surprised by his choice you let him lead you to the grey stone building with the pink painted trim. Trying to see inside you saw the windows were all fogged up. Grinning up at him when he opened the door for you both to enter you felt your eyes go a bit wide at the inside of the place. It was so.... pink... frilly.

"Hello dears, pick any table you like."

Looking to the woman you gave a small grin and a nod before looking back up to Severus.

Inwardly groaning at how crowded it was he looked down to his female and sighed. Leading her over to the back table he heard as some of the other students whispered about the two of them both paid them no mind. They had been dealing with it for months now and while at first he was worried it would drive Y/n away from him, now that she was his claimed mate he no longer felt threatened.

Sitting in the chair when he pulled it out for you, you giggle lightly when his cheeks turned a bit pink at your comment of him being 'ever the gentleman'. Once he was sat in front of you noticed his shoulders still stiff looking and gave a smirk. "Wouldn't this style just look so cute all over a home?" Watching his eyes snap up from the menu to look at you, you managed to keep it together for a few seconds, the look of pure terror and disgust on his face too funny to pass up.

When she started laughing, her hand moving to cover her mouth in an attempt to not interrupt others he knew it had all been a jest and felt himself relax. "Our home will look absolutely nothing like this." he spoke as he looked back to the menu. When she remained quiet he glance back up to see her smiling softly at him before she looked down to her own menu.

'Our home.' The thought made you feel warm inside.

"Do you know what you would like?"

Quickly looking back up when Madam Puddifoot came over to take your order you glanced to Sev and then to her, "Um green tea please."

"And for you dear?"

She had ordered one of the cheapest teas. Licking his lips he looked down to the menu, calculating prices in his head. "Black tea and a slice of lemon cake."  

"Alright luvs it will be right up."

Once they were left alone he reached across to take her hand in his, stroking the back of her hand with this thumb. "You never told me what your parents said... about us."

Tilting your head you grinned softly. "They weren't mad or anything... just kinda shocked... worried I guess."

"So they are okay with... with me?" he asked nervously.

"Well my mom said she is happy you are a Slytherin." you giggled and saw him grin some.

"And your father?" Noticing her biting her lip he felt doubt settling in.

"He.. ah... he had a few choice words that I will not repeat." Noticing him look down you gave his hand a squeeze. "He wants to meet you. They both do."

Snapping his eyes up he saw her serious. "They do?"

Nodding you smiled. "Yea, they invited you to come stay a week this summer.... if you want to that is."

Stunned he just blinked and then smiled. "Yes, that sounds great... so long as your father is not just getting me closer so he can kill me."

Laughing you saw him smile. "I'll be working at the bar of course but you can keep me company... maybe you can make Canyon leave me alone." you said with a roll of your eyes.

"Who is Canyon?"

"My brother's best friend. His little sister, Catalina, or Cat as we call her, is my brother's girlfriend. Don't get me wrong he's not a bad guy, he'd do anything for anyone he's just ahhh.. well you'll see."

Going to question more he snapped his mouth close when their order was being placed before them. Thanking the woman and paying he pushed small plate with the cake on it that she had placed before him across the table to his mate. Seeing her look up to him in confusion he only gave her a small grin and looked down to add cream to his tea, missing the way the Madam Puddifoot smiled at them.

Blinking you looked down to the cake and then up to him. Standing up you saw his eyes snap up and his brows dip. Scooting your chair over so that the two of you could sit beside each other you sat back down. Moving your tea in front of you while the cake plate was moved between you both so you could share you saw him look to you and gave him a small smile that he returned.

When a flash of light went off he stiffened. Seeing the beta woman standing there with a camera he went to question her when she was placing the picture she had taken on the table. With a simple wink she was walking away. Looking back to the picture as it finished developing he saw the both of them, the moving picture showing him looking up to her before the both of them were smiling at each other. Grinning he kissed the top of her head as she laid it on his shoulder. Cutting a piece of the cake with the fork he held it to her mouth.

................................

Running as fast as you could you heard one of the prefects yell for you to stop running but you paid him no mind. The clenching in your chest too strong for you to care about the rules. He needed you, your alpha needed you, you coudl feel it. Hurrying out of the halls and into the courtyard you made your way out into the grounds. Coming up on James and the others you saw them laughing and narrowed your eyes.

"Oh L/n you missed the show I am afraid, Could have saved you the disappointment." James laughed.

"What did you do? What did you do to him?" you growled.

"Well we just wanted to see what it was you saw in Snivellus that's all." Sirius chuckled..

Snapping your head to the right when another group of students started talking you heard them laughing about what James had done and when it finally clicked you felt that fire fill your veins. Without another thought you marched over to James and swung your fist through the air, landing a hard hit to his nose. Instantly your felt something in your hand crack but only bit down on your tongue, refusing to show them any weakness.

"AWHA!" Covering his nose with his hand he landed back on his ass in the grass.

"James!"

Feeling something wet cover his palm and leak from between his fingers he growled and glared up at the female from his cracked glasses. Pushing himself up to stand he hurried towards her.

"NO! NO! Put me down you asshole!" Thrashing in his hold you kicked your feet and tried wiggling out of his hold as he carried you somewhere.

Seeing his friend walking towards the lake he froze and furrowed his brows. "James... hey wait a minute." Sirius spoke.

"We tried to make you see, tried to give you the easy way out but you just continue to choose that pathetic worm. Well I'm done giving you a chance." The male spoke.

Understanding what he was going to do he felt his body clench up. "James no! Don't!"

Letting out a scream as you were thrown through the air you felt the shock as you landed in the cold water, your hip hitting one of the rocks hard. Shooting up you coughed up what little water had filled your airways and tried to swim towards shore. Grabbing hold of some of the rocks you felt your hand shoot with pain.

Looking down at the female he huffed out. "Go ahead, go to the future death eater but when he turns on you just like he did Evans don't expect us to take you in."  

"W..why the hell would I ever want anything to do with bullies like you. All of you, you call Severus pathetic but you are all the ones that seek out others to put down to make yourselves feel powerful. In my book that makes you the pathetic ones and none of you will ever amount to anything." Watching him raise his wand you braced yourself but nothing ever happened.

"James that's enough. Leave her alone." Sirius told his best friend in a voice that held no waver. Seeing James look to him he kept his stare until finally the male lowered his wand.

"Let her go." James scoffed in a low voice.

"I could say the same thing to you." Sirius countered. Seeing him roll his eyes but walk away he gave the small female in the water one last look, his chest clenching before he turned and walked back to the castle with his friends.

Standing up you tried to wring out your clothes and hair as much as possible Pulling out your wand you found it broken and closed your eyes, "Daddy's gonna kill me." Shoving it back in your pocket you started walking in search of the boy you loved. You wondered what James meant by Severus turning on you like he did Lily?

Finally finding him out by the tree the both of you always sat under you stopped when you heard soft crying coming from him. Rounding the tree you saw him curled up on it's roots, his knees pulled up to his chest with his face buried in his arms. Seeing his shoulders shaking you felt a clenching in your heart and slowly moved closer to him. "Sev?"

Swallowing hard when he heard the soft voice of his mate he kept his face hid away in his arms, not wanting her to see him like this. Pathetic loser. "Go away." When he felt her place a hand on his back he tensed. "I said go away Y/n."

Sitting on your knees in front of him you moved to hug him, trying to keep from getting him wet with your clothes.

"Are you deaf I said go away. I don't want you here."

Stifling your trembling lip at his hurtful words you stayed where you were, refusing to let his words send you away. He didn't mean it, you knew he didn't. He was hurting. They had done this, embarrassed him beyond belief. Made him feel so alone. But he wasn't and you wouldn't allow him to feel that way. No he would always have you and you would show him as much.

When she continued hugging him he felt more sobs break out, his whole body shaking. "Why will you not just leave me alone?"

"Because I love you and I won't ever leave you." Feeling him cry more but not tell you to leave again you kissed his head. Laying your head on his shoulder you just sat there, continuing to hold him, reassure him that you weren't going anywhere. You didn't know how long had passed, your knees were sore but you ignored it.

Sniffling he wiped his eyes before lifting his head some. Peeking up from his arms he saw her own eyes open some to look at him, those alluring blue eyes that he could stare into forever. Swallowing hard he blinked and then closed his eyes when she reached out to brush back his hair. She never seemed bothered by his 'greasy' locks, always touching it whenever she got the chance. "You are wet."

Kissing his temple you hummed.

"Why are you wet?"

"Doesn't matter." you told him with a shake of your head.

Sitting up he noticed she was indeed completely wet, soaked even. "Tell me..."

"I ah... went for a swim."

Growling he saw her shoulders curl up some and took hold of her hand but instantly released it when she let out a pained whimper. Knitting his brows he gently grabbed her hand and brought it in front of her so he coudl see and when he did he frowned. The left side of her right hand was colored in a bruise and the pinky finger knuckle was sitting oddly. It was broken for sure. "What happened?"

Looking away you tried to pull your hand away but he held your wrist in a strong grip.

"Y/n?"

"I fell..."

"Do. Not. Lie. To. Me." he grit out. "You are wet and your hand is broken, what happened?"

Letting out a deep breath you closed your eyes. "I punched James then he threw me into the lake." you mumbled.

Growling deeply he went to stand but felt her pull him back down.

Quickly nuzzling his neck you held him tightly. You could practically feel the anger radiating off of him and as much as it frightened you, as much as the omega in you wanted to curl up and submit you wouldn't. You didn't want him to get in trouble because of you. "Don't bother with the likes of him. Don't drop to his level." you told your mate in a soft whisper.

Licking his lips he tried to push back these strong feelings inside of him. That Potter had humiliated him, made him so angry he had snapped at his best friend but what was even worse is that he had hurt his Y/n, he had hurt his omega. "I can not just let him get away with harming you."

Kissing his neck you breathed in his scent. "Yes you can because tomorrow it won't matter, tomorrow we are leaving and then it will be just us for a bit. And then in two more years we will be done with him and his heard of jackasses forever. Then it will be just us. Right?"

Taking a deep breath he pet her head. Brushing her wet hair back over her shoulder so he coudl stare at the proof that she was his forever. "Yes. Just us."

.................................

Grinning at the sad memory to the end of your fifth year you shivered a bit as the cold invaded your bones. Remembering that week of summer the both of you had had together though made the freezing of your limbs float to the back of your mind. He had been so worried, so nervous when you had taken him to your home. All which was for nothing as he was instantly accepted. Oh so many fond memories of that summer, A summer in which you wished you coudl go back to...

...............................

"And your parents know that Severus is coming do they not Y/n?" Dumbledore asked with a raised brow and saw the omega nod with a smile.

"Yes sir."

"Very well then." Leading the two teenagers to the open area he gave them both a smile. "A good summer to you both, we will see you both again soon." Going to turn away he remembered something and stopped. "Ah yes before I forget." Pulling it out of his robes he held the book out, "Here you are Severus. I will see what I else I can find over summer."

Taking the book he gave the headmaster a bow of his head. "Thank you Professor."

"Have a good summer as well sir." you told him. Walking towards the area where Dumbledore had led you both to you looked out to see the portkey there and smiled. Looking back to Severus you saw him looking to the thing with a raised brow. "What?"

"I know they can be anything but I was not expecting a rake."

Shrugging you gave him a grin. "Only thing Daddy had on hand at the time." Making sure your bag was tied tightly you looked to him and smiled, "Ready?"

"I have never traveled by portkey before."

Groaning you took his hand. "It's ah.... well let's just say I will be happy when I can Apparate. Now don't let go of my hand or the rake until we land okay?"  Seeing him nod you reached out to take the rake and saw him do the same thing before the both of you were off.

It felt like there was a hook in his stomach yanking him all around. Feeling his hand on Y/n being tugged as well he tightened his hold. All too soon though they were slamming into the ground and he heard her groan. "That was terrible."

"Agreed." you grumbled. Letting out a heavy sigh you felt Severus pulling you up to stand. Dropping the rake for now you looked around and smiled. You were home.

Looking all around them he saw green hills and mountains in the distance. There were tons of trees and he even noticed what looked to be some sort of water in the distance. Seeing a home a little ways away in a clearing of trees he grinned. Overall he thought it was a beautiful sight, refreshing. "This is your home?"

Nodding you smiled. "Yep, this is it." Pointing to the cabin through the trees you saw him look that way, "That was my dad's parents home and then a little ways down the drive there is where Cat and Canyon's home is."

"Everything is so.... open and fresh feeling." he said and saw her smile. When she offered her hand he took it and walked with her towards her home. The closer he got the more detail he was able to take in. It looked to be of the cabin style with walls made of wood and stone. It wasn't a mansion per say but it was of nice size with a barn in the back along with a small farm from what he could see. "You have animals?"

"Oh yea, chickens and ducks, goats, and pigs... a turkey maybe, if my dad hasn't killed the hateful thing that is. I'll show you around later. Oh wait a..."

Hearing her give a loud whistle he stood beside her and watched as large cat jumped onto the porch railing, the thing had grey colored fur with patches of black and white. "A kneazle. You have a kneazle."

"Mmmhmm. This is Skitz." You told him as your pet quickly moved over beside you to start rubbing up against your hand, asking to be petted. "I've had him since I was five."

Holding his hand out to the cat he heard a low growl come from it and quickly pulled his hand back.

"Um he doesn't really like men all too much, don't take it personally he doesn't even like my dad and he's the one who buys his food."

Hearing a loud banging he snapped his eyes over to the large garden and saw a gnome running around.

"You are supposed to be taking care of that you know?"

Seeing her looking down at the kneazle who only looked to her with a bored expression he chuckled when it finally hopped down to go chase after the pest. Looking at the porch he noticed a swing that had cushions on it. There were painted handprints by the door, one large one at the top that he knew had to be her father's. below that was another big one but smaller than the first, the next two little ones made him smile softly, the thought of a little y/n making it. Watching her open the door he saw her look back to him and hold out her hand. Taking it he walked with her into the home.

The cabin look carried on into the home with wood floors and beams along the ceiling. The outer walls showed the same material from outside, stone and wood logs, while the inner walls looked to be made of plaster and painted a cream color that went well with the other colors of the wood and stone. Seeing as the door entered into the living room he saw a large couch along with a recliner and two end tables that didn't match the coffee table. There was a rug under the furniture and many books lined the shelves along the back wall beside pictures and such.

"Come on I'll give you the tour and then show you where you will be staying."

Nodding he followed her, he found the rest of the home to be just as cozy as the living room. Once he had seen the kitchen, dining room and glanced down the hall to where her parents room was he followed her up the stairs that were built in around the fireplace. Getting to the second floor he saw her point to one room, telling him that was her brother's room.

"This is the second floor bathroom." you told him, pointing to the open door. "You will be staying in here. Sorry it's not that big...."

Walking into the room he found it about the same size as his bedroom back at Spinner's End but more homey looking. The bed looked to be a full size with navy blue bedding. There was a dresser in the corner and a window that looked out over the land. Seeing a door he guessed it went to the closet and grinned as he looked back to her. "It is wonderful. Your entire home is." Seeing her smile he thought of something and knit his brows some. "Where is your room though?"

"Oh it's the next one down after the hall closet." Seeing him raise his brow and turn to walk out into the hall you felt your face heat up. "Wait.... no... Sev you don't need to see my room."

Walking down to the last door on the floor he grabbed the knob and went to open it but was stopped by his female. "I thought you were giving me the tour, does that not include your room dearest?"

"No."

"And why is that? Are you hiding something from me?"

"No I just ah... well maybe.... no Severus..."

Wrapping his arm around her he opened the door with his free hand and moved inside the room. Stepping into the room he saw the inner walls painted black with white dots on them, noticing some of them he smiled, constellations. There was a round rug on the floor with a crescent moon on it. The vanity on the right wall he noticed was also painted black with the same starry design on it. Books were stacks here and there on shelves and on the nightstand laid sketch books and a set of charcoals. The bed however was not your normal bed. It was pushed into the back corner of the room and there appeared to be purple and blue sheets of fabric hung up around it to block it off from the rest of the room. There was something else about it as well...

Watching him walk closer to your 'bed' you bit your lip and rubbed your arm, embarrassment and nervousness filling you. Looking down you slowly followed him.

Tilting his head he looked inside the little cave to see many pillows and other blankets lining the outer perimeter of the bed with the center holding a soft silver blanket that looked kind of like fur and a black silk blanket. When he breathed in he was hit with a light scent of what he knew was his omega.

Seeing his brows slightly knit together as he took it all in you breathed in deeply. When he reached inside you felt your body tense. "Sev wait."

There was clear desperation in her voice, not like the embarrassed, playful one before. This time she was serious and he froze. Looking back to her he saw her curled up some, her lip bitten harshly between her teeth. Feeling that off sensation he pulled his hand back and straightened up. "Y/n... what is it?"

Looking back to your sanctuary and then to his chest you took a deep breath. "M...my nest."

"Your... nest?" he questioned and saw her nod but still not look up to him. "I.. I do not unders...." he started but the sound of a door opening made him snap his mouth shut.

".... I told you it wasn't going to work!.... Whatever let's just..."

"Hey is Y/n/n already here?"

"Good question. Y/n?!"

Hearing the deep voice of a male he knew that had to be her father and felt his throat go dry.

Seeing Severus's body tense up you held back your giggle and took his hand. "Coming daddy!" Pulling him towards the door you got up on your tip toes to kiss his cheek, "Relax they are going to love you."

Nodding because he didn't trust his voice he swallowed hard as they started making their way down the stairs.

Tag List: @once-upon-an-imagine​ @dope-shit-bro

[definitely-not-a-wasp]

I'm okay with a bunch of disorganized rambling honestly 😂. But if I had to narrow it down then I guess I want to know about main and side characters and how they compare to the original?

I know that tumblr is the Prime Site for disorganized rambling, but I have perfectionism issues. But that is a great question, nonnie, and I will be happy to ramble is a slightly less disorganized fashion.

When reading Maximum Ride as a somewhat-formed adult who discovered they enjoy English classes about 3.5 years ago, I noticed that JP, when writing, doesn't understand consistency. At all. Which means, in many ways, I have a free sandbox to work with.

Spoilers for my rewrite WIP, because I strongly believe that if a story would no longer be good if one had spoilers, then it wasn’t a good story in the first place.

I'm trying to keep the backstories the same, plus or minus the scientific method and a few characters (RIP my OCs. I want to bring you back so bad but it wouldn't fit with the thematic narrative). I've mostly kept their (starting) abilities the same, too. Without further ado, I'm going to introduce some WorldBuilding. (If I'm good at nothing else, I'm good at world building)

First off. Logically.

How are they getting Cable?

How are they getting internet?

How are they getting money to eat and stuff?

JP's answer: handwave it off. Sometimes you need to ignore logistics for the sake of plot. This is an answer I'd accept from an author that I like, such as Julie Kagawa, that makes amazing worlds, characters, and narratives that I will happily handwave a few things that wouldn't work in the real world. James Patterson, on the other hand, did not make any of that; he made a cool concept, some good rough-draft characters, and nothing else, and therefore this is an unforgivable sin.

Wasp's answer: They are not getting any of that.

Introducing Cottagecore.

The house is off the grid. Solar Panels and a wind turbine create electricity. They have their own well. They grow their own food, raise livestock for eggs, milk, and wool, and trap fish for meat. They get money through dumpster diving and pawning. They still have to steal half of the necessities they can’t make themselves. They do have a TV, but it can access about three channels on a clear day. Internet is only a thing when they go to the public library.

Giving the flock a background that’s heavy in farming and livestock rearing shores up the plot holes mentioned above, but in my opinion, ties the flock more tightly to the environment, thus giving them something tangible to lose when they have to leave the E-shaped house. Because they’re not just leaving a house and a safety net— they’re leaving their entire way of life with no promise of getting it back. It also gives them a tangible connection to the earth in case I want to actually pursue the global warming themes.

Main Characters

Maximum “Max” Ride (Birthname: nonexistent)

First off, I'm letting her be Latina, James Patterson.

In the original, Max was very much the headstrong, independent, action girl. Leaning into Strong Female Character (TM), but overall she had a strong, solid foundation and enough character consistency through the first three books for me to not have to just make an entire new character. However, I felt that she was, in some ways, a bit too Action-Girl and Strong and Capable. Yes, Max is incredible and competent, but she’s also fourteen. She’s a child.

In the rewrite, Max’s character is still headstrong, independent, capable, and sometimes not the best at listening to others. All of that’s the same. But she’s that way not because of girlboss energy, but because there’s no one else to do it. She doesn’t want to lead, necessarily. She wants to get some rest and let someone else handle the problems life keeps throwing at her. But she knows if she did that, the responsibility of leader would fall to Fang and Iggy, and she can’t ask that of them. She doesn’t want to place that burden on anyone else (Look, there’s a reason I chose Ayano’s Theory of Happiness as one of her signifier songs, okay?). Her narrative is very much centered around burden, and also around loss. She lost her cultural heritage when she was taken away from her birth family, she lost her childhood to being a leader, she lost a good deal of her friends to the school (RIP my OCs), she lost Jeb, and then she lost her stability. And she’s going to lose a lot more before the end of the story. So a lot of her character arc deals with learning that there are some things she can’t fix, some things that can’t be recovered. She can’t get the E-shaped house back. She can’t get her Little Baby Angel back, even after they rescue her. She can’t get her friends back from the school. And instead of working so hard to recover those or find something to replace them, she has to learn to live with that sense of loss and move on with her life without feeling guilty for leaving things behind. And she has to learn that asking for help and sharing her burden is selfish or weak.

Other changes I made that don’t necessarily fit into her narrative arc, but you asked for rambling so rambling you shall get:

Max hallucinates, because mental illness is also a prominent theme in the rewrite. She doesn’t have a psychotic disorder, but her C-PTSD causes visual/audio hallucinations, especially when she’s stressed or sleep deprived. 

Max ends up having a Gender Discovery throughout the story and goes by He/She pronouns eventually. I don’t know when, but it will happen.

As far as genetic modifications/special quirks go, she can fly faster than the rest of the flock, but not 300 miles per hour. She averages about sixty mph with diving speeds of 240. She cannot breathe underwater or shut down her organs on command. She also has the Super Special Power to predict the weather, but that’s not because of genetics, it’s because she has chronic pain in her right arm that gets worse when weather fronts change.

Her favored weapon is her trusty rebar that she picked up from a condemned building. I think she’s going to name it eventually but I don’t know what yet.

Fang (Birth name: Gabriel Xue)

In canon, Fang is characterized in early books by being the “dark, strong, silent type”. He’s probably the most reserved member of the flock, to the point of falling into the Brooding Mystery Man trope in parts of the book. They care a lot, but they’re not the best at conveying that, especially with the younger members of the flock, and at times their high empathy leads them to making mistakes. Despite the high empathy, he’s often compared to a robot due to his lack of expression and external emotions.

Well, first change is that they’re not a man, so jot that down—

If Max’s narrative is centered around burden and loss, I would probably say that Fang’s is centered around humanity and moving on. None of the flock was treated as human while in the school, but Fang was more often than not treated like a wild animal due to “behavioral issues”, and therefore had and continues to have a difficult time considering themselves real and alive, let alone human. This manifests through a several different ways— where in canon Fang definitely had a ‘fight’ reaction, in the re-write they have a ‘freeze’ or ‘shut down’ instinct. They’re selectively mute for multiple reasons (including derealization, jaw pain, the fact that they didn’t learn how to speak until they were 10, and genuinely forgetting it’s something they’re capable of), a period of Cotard’s syndrome, and a tendancy towards self-loathing and self-sacrifice. In short, Fang is still halfway stuck in the mindset that most of the flock grew out of when they escaped in the school, and doesn’t know how to move past it.

Much of their character arc revolves around not necessarily seeing themselves as human, but learning to treat themselves as human even when they don’t feel like one (or even feel real), and knowing that just because they don’t feel human all the time doesn’t mean anyone else can treat them the same. They never start easily expressing their emotions, and they’re always going to be selectively mute, but they learn to accept that those aspects of themself aren’t character flaws or signs that they’re sub-human. 

Other additions to Fang’s character include:

They don’t get their hair cut in New York. It stays long through the entire series. They have the longest hair in the flock by the end of the series, and they can wear it in so many styles.

Fang uses they/it pronouns because themes of reclaiming the weapons used against it and, more importantly, Gender.

They’re actually really good at spelling compared to the rest of the flock, because they and Iggy communicate with Print-On-Palm when they’re nonverbal, and they’re nonverbal for some pretty long stretches of time. 

They and Max have... zero romantic tension. At all. There is none. The number of times Max calls them her sibling/little sibling in the first arc alone is staggering, and that will not change.

Igneous “Iggy” (Birthname: Jamsetta “Jamie” Griffiths)

I’ve talked about Iggy before. Canon doesn’t give us much to go off of, but from what’s shown, he’s smart, sarcastic, has sharper edges than Fang and Max, and also has a sizable ruthless streak. So that’s what I have to go off of.

The big difference between Iggy and Fang&Max is that Iggy has a much better memory of the School. Most of the flock have areas (months or years) that they don’t remember, or people that they’ve blocked from their mind, but Iggy... doesn’t. So he’s the one that remembers all of the other AVIAN test subjects that were old enough to have names and identities but died due to complications. Max might have the burden of leadership, but he has the burden of memory. And that has lead to both a massive fucking guilt complex, because why did he survive when they didn’t, and, as mentioned above, a ruthless streak that he doesn’t shy away from.

Which is to say, by the end of the story, Iggy has the highest kill count.

I love, love writing Iggy next to Max and Fang. I love writing Iggy next to Gazzy and Nudge. Because, I say this with all of the love of the world, but Iggy is not a good person. He is loyalty and love incarnate, and the world can burn down if he and his siblings are safe. Max and Fang will always try to save as many people as they can. They will wonder what’s wrong with them the first time they kill and don’t have a mental breakdown about it. They are good in a way that Iggy is not. He’s okay with killing Erasers. He’s okay with killing humans. He’s okay with killing people who might not necessarily deserve it, if they show themselves as a threat or are simply in the blast radius. He knows perfectly well that most of those Erasers he’s murdering are four and five and he is okay with that, because a lot of the AVIANs were that age when they died. (Yeah, in the rewrite it’s not Fang who has an issue with Ari; it’s Iggy who wants the 7-year-old wolf-boy dead.) 

And this is, of course, juxtaposed with Iggy being really, really good with Nudge and Gazzy (especially in the beginning). Because, again, he actually remembers being a child. He remembers a lot of kids that died and is therefore fiercely protective of the kids that didn’t, as well as fiercely protective of the innocence that he never got. So he’s the one that cooks their favorite foods when they’re having a bad day, always makes time when they want to talk about something, and convinces Max to let them go to that toy store in New York because, yeah, he Max and Fang aren’t kids. They never were. But Nudge, Gazzy, and Angel can be. (And if he has to be a murderer to preserve that, then he’s perfectly okay with that.)

He and Angel don’t get along very well, though. The telepath doesn’t like hanging out with the person with the most clear memories of the school.

Other additions:

Iggy is trans and says trans rights

He also has paranoid episodes, because C-PTSD. Sometimes they’re very helpful. Sometimes they are not.

I actually decided that he’s one of the flock that doesn’t meet their parents. I know in canon he did, but I always found that very clunky because it didn’t add to his character. He was one of the characters who, until it was convenient for the plot, seemed to care the least about his family. I’d much rather give that to a character whose arc would benefit from it.

Iggy! Gets! Older Sibling Rights! Seriously, he’s two months younger than Fang, he is just as capable.

Iggy does not know braille because Jeb decided it wasn’t necessary for him to know. Iggy is also the best speller in the flock, because Print-on-Palm was the only way to talk to Fang for a solid year. Yes he mocks everyone over this.

Iggy is the only member of the flock that enjoys swimming and can take into the air from water. Everyone else in the flock is incredibly jealous.

Nudge (Birthname: Monique Robinson)

If Iggy is defined by his memories, Nudge is his polar opposite. She was seven when she left the School, but she has next to no memories of it. She is missing a lot of time in the first year she escaped. And that causes... a lot of things. It makes her feel disconnected from her older siblings, it gives her the ability to function in society in a way the other’s can’t, it lets her feel less grief over the ones that didn’t make it and she doesn’t remember, it makes her feel guilty that she doesn’t remember what she’s old enough to know. 

Basically, in order for me to keep the character of Nudge as I saw her (more extroverted, not afraid of the world, fascinated with humans like her siblings aren’t, desiring to fit in instead of isolate), I had to put a little bit of distance between her and the flock. Of course, she loves them— that will in no way change— but she’s old enough that she should remember the school (and her dead friends) unlike Gazzy and Angel, but she can’t, and she very much fears forgetting the flock if anything happens to them. So she’s trying desperately to keep the flock close and wants desperately to experience the world at the same time, and doesn’t know what to do when she can’t have both. That’s her biggest character conflict throughout the series, along with that in-between area where she’s not quite where her older siblings are but understands so much more than Gazzy and Angel, and where she stands in that.

So yeah. Nudge’s journey is that in looking for belonging in the world, in her family, and in herself.

This is why she’s one of the ones that gets to find her parent, James Patterson. 

Other additions include:

She never straightens her hair. Never. Her resources at the E-shaped house aren’t perfect, but she still has learned how to take care of her hair and has a few styles she cycles through.

She becomes the default person Max sics on people when the flock is trying to befriend them. Also their de-facto diplomat around strangers.

As in canon, she does take some time away from the flock to expirience ‘normal life’. This does not last long due to the stress of being separated from her siblings/not being able to help them and [REDACTED]

Nudge is... not the only person in her head. I’m not focusing on it much because she doesn’t actually know and neither does the flock (I don’t know if they ever figure it out during the series, either), but she has dissociative identity disorder. She’s not aware of her alter(s?). Her alter isn’t super aware of her, either. 

The alter that I’ve developed is named Oxy and is not super aware of the outside world. In her eyes, she’s still seven and they’re still at the School. She would not recognize the body as her own if she looked in a mirror.

Nudge actually leaves the flock for a while to pursue her dream of living a normal life. She deserves it. She learns how to make muffins and the basics of software development. These things are unrelated.

Gasman (Birthname: No first name, surname “Falk”)

Honestly, writing Gazzy is kind of hard for me. Partially because I’m not great at writing kids, and partially because I feel like he’s a pretty surface-level character in-series that... isn’t super compelling in canon. But even if that’s the case, I try to treat all of my characters with respect, so here we go. In my rewrite, he escaped when he was four, which was half a lifetime ago for him, so his memories are ill-defined. Therefore, he managed to circumvent a lot of the trauma that the rest of the kids have, and not in the way Nudge did, which is by creating an elaborate blockage in her memories. 

Which means Gazzy... really doesn’t know how to deal with all of this traumatic stuff happening. So much of his development turns out to be a coming-of-age narrative. Learning how to deal with the horrors of what his siblings grew up with. Learning the fears that they had the entire time. Losing his innocence when everyone around him never had it in the first place, and being so terribly alone because of it. Because, really, how can you explain such a deep loss to people who never had what he had? How can they help in a way that matters?

Also, relationship-wise, I’m slowly deteriorating the relationship between him and Iggy. Slowly. Or, changing it, at least. Gazzy hero-worships Iggy in-series, and for good reason, because Iggy is super cool, especially in the eyes of an eight-year-old, and especially when Iggy has taken care to cultivate parts of his behaviors to be child-friendly. Part of growing up is seeing the flaws in your heroes, and Gazzy has to learn how to deal with it. End of the series Gazzy is much less closer to Iggy than beginning of the series Gazzy, and neither of them are really okay with that, but they learn to live with it, because that’s really all they can do.

Notes:

I’m keeping the mimickry! It plays a bit of a bigger role because that’s how Gazzy learned to talk. I’m debating whether or not he has his own voice or if he just borrows the flock’s as he sees fit. He also uses it to scream really loudly and occaisonally burst the eardrums of Erasers.

At one point he cosplays as Jessica Jones. No you don’t get any more context than this.

He has a horrible sense of fashion.

I’m changing his name eventually because it sucks. He’s either going to change it to Gannet, Garrison, or Ivy Mike temporarily, and permanently to Zephyr. (I never said I was going to make his name GOOD, because he’s eight, but it’s changing. You’re welcome.)

Angel (Birthname: No first name, surname “Falk”)

It’s just... a completely different character, at this point. I’ve changed so many things about her in an attempt to make her consistent and act like a six-year-old and work in the whole “telepath before she has a solid sense of identity”, so it’s a different character. Also, I’m tired of writing coherently or in paragraphs, so have some interesting facts.

She has epilepsy! Super severe epilepsy! I think she might also develop juvenile MS in the future because her brain has so many scars from being a fucking six-year-old telepath. There’s no way she could get out of that unscathed.

She has more memories of the school than Gazzy, but only because she keeps accidentally reading the minds of Max, Fang, and Iggy. On a related note, she interacts with Iggy as little as possible.

The mind reading means that she has a hard time developing as a normal child with a normal sense of identity or reality. She can’t tell how much people are individual people and how much they’re just extensions of her. Conversely, she can’t tell how much of herself is actually her instead of the thoughts/opinions/identities of someone else. It’s... kinda fucked? But also super not-her-fault. 

She’s albino because white wings. Also, because I thought it was cool. This also means that her vision sucks, though. Also she has the biggest straw sunhat and the most stylish sunglasses a six-year-old can have.

She’s responsible for Max shaving her hair off.

She has the highest swear count because I think it’s funny. She’s the only person allowed to say the fuck word in writing. Everyone else can only say ‘hell’ and the occasionally ‘damn’ but she can say whatever she wants for dramatic and comedic value.

She is NOT THE FUCKING VOICE, J*MES P*TTERSON.

Honorable Mentions

Jeb

I’m skipping Jeb because of how little I care about him. He’s a little bitch, next character.

Ari

STILL HASN’T BEEN REVEALED AS AN ERASER. I’ve been writing for 50,000 words and he’s over here saying ‘nope nope not yet, not dramatic enough’. He’s had speaking lines but has refused to make himself known to Max. I am so frustrated with this seven-year-old wolf-child that I’ve already considered how I would kill him, if I decide I want to kill yet another child in my writing.

So, my main thoughts for Ari is that he... really just drew the short end of the stick in every possible way. While Jeb didn’t sign him up for Eraser expirimentation, he didn’t do anything to stop it, and pretty much cut his losses when he realized this expiriment made a wreck of his ‘perfect, unflawed’ son, because Jeb doesn’t consider children of any species to actually be humans. So, Ari really hates his dad, which makes things complicated, because he also really loves his dad and really wants his approval. 

Which means that he also really hates Max, because she’s the child that always got Jeb’s time and attention, even when Ari was human. I think, on some level, he knows that trying to tear Max down to a less-favored level isn’t actually going to help his situation— infighting for the love of an abusive parent won’t make them any less abusive— but he’s also seven, and his development is already severely stunted due to becoming an Eraser, and he doesn’t see ‘leaving ITEX’ as an option like the Flock does. ITEX is his everything. It’s all he’s ever known, and they tell him he’s doing the right thing, and he wants them to love him. He wants his father to love him. He knows that if he ever questions ITEX, his father will never love him. So it must be his older sister that’s ruining his life and being a horrible child, and once Ari drags her back down to his level, Jeb will realize who the best child is and love him properly again.

Ari, on an even deeper level, does care for Max quite a bit, because she’s his older sister and he wants that to mean something in a way that ‘Jeb being his father’ obviously doesn’t. He wants what she made for herself, and he hates the Flock because she loves them and obviously doesn’t love him. 

Ari, if anything, is the product of neglect, and both loves and hates everyone who shows a chance of caring about him. And he’s seven, so he can’t notice these patterns, let alone break them.

So. Notes!

He doesn’t look like an adult. I thought that was gross and unnecessary. He’s seven, but he looks closer to thirteen or fourteen. Still young enough that he looks like every Eraser’s little brother, and the Erasers high-key treat him like it.

On a related note, he’s the only Eraser who can talk. The others don’t have the mental capacity or vocal structure to replicate human speech, but they can understand language (at about the level of a two or three year old) and are very good at nonverbal communication. This is why Ari managed to climb the ranks despite only having three years of “service” and also looking like a tween.

He doesn’t have an expiration date because that is SUCH a stupid plot point.

I’m giving him a chainsaw! I don’t know how, I don’t know when, but he deserves to have a chainsaw and GODDAMN I will give it to him.

Emergency and Gene

The OCs that I love and also killed pre-series. They don’t have any scenes, because they’re dead, but their deaths greatly effected Max, Fang, and Iggy, and they are very commonly referenced. Their voices are probably Max’s most common hallucination, to the point where she sometimes pretends they’re ghosts that she can talk to. They’re not ghosts. They’re dead.

Dr. Valencia Martinez

I’m actually keeping her pretty close to canon— loving, supportive, the type of person to take in a gsw victim with minimal questions. The difference is that rather than kindness fueling her actions, it’s incredible guilt. She has three goals surrounding Max: Give her as much support in any way she can, teach her as much about chicane culture as possible, and never let Max know that she’s her birth parent.

(She’s probably going to fail at AT LEAST two of those, but it’s the thought that counts.)

Notes:

She has a pet fox named Robin Hood that she rescued from an exotic animal salesman that got arrested.

I think I’m going to kill her. I don’t know yet, but it’s on the table.

Anne Walker

Y’know, the fake FBI Agent. Who’s not actually a fake in my story because I hated that plot point. She’s genuinely an FBI agent who put the Flock into pseudo-witness-protection in order to build a case against the Institute of Higher Living, accidentally got attached to her prime witnesses, raised them for a few months, realized a [SPOILER] and promptly had to let them get the hell out dodge.

I really like the Anne Walker that lives in my head. She is a VITAL part of the Flock’s development, their mental/emotional recovery, and adding to their safety net to fall back on. She serves them as their first adult role model, and is the first adult to show them what parent/child are supposed to look like from a healthy perspective. Though she has several fuck ups, she becomes someone that the Flock genuinely trusts and loves, which makes it all the more difficult for them to leave when [REDACTED].

Notes:

She and Max do butt heads initially, because Max is paranoid and also afraid of becoming uneeded. This ends up being incredibly important because Max needs to learn how to live and find meaning in life without being the designated Leader/Parent/Big Sister

Anne, at one point, sits the entire flock down to teach them about consent, which was something no one ever talked about with them before. She goes in talking specifically about consent in a romantic/sexual sense (because they’re fourteen and that’s something they need to know), but quickly turns into a full-fledged no, people are NOT allowed to do that to you, what the FUCK.

She’s responsible for giving the flock a laptop. It’s because Angel is online schooled (bc telepathy makes actually learning difficult) and was therefore provided with a computer.

Anne is also allowed to swear, but only when it’s funny.

Michael “Grey” Rivers

Aka Grey from the Sewers Aka GR3Y H47 Aka Mike from the Bronx Aka Gifted Child Syndrome Incarnate Aka Would-be-in-MIT-if-his-parents-weren’t-horrible. He’s my son, your honour.

Basically, his backstory boils down to him being a genius, getting into MIT at 14, his (horrible) parents wanting a perfect child who could “make it out” of the Bronx and represent his family/neighborhood/borough to the world. When he inevitably failed their expectations due to stress, a schizophrenic-spectrum disorder that completely alienated him from the rest of his support network, and refusing to take his psych meds because the side effects were horrible and they made it harder to think (and therefore pass his classes), they kicked him out. He fully intends to go back to MIT when he turns 18 and has control of his finances/scholarships/medication/therapy.

So that’s how the flock meets him. 

Mike ends up in a very prominent support role for the flock both in technological persuits (helping them track their parents, helping them get information from ITEX, trying to disable Max’s chip and failing multiple times until it becomes a matter of personal honour—), in helping the older members of the flock figure out how to deal with hallucinations/delusions (because he’s actually been to therapy, unlike them), and in being one of the only people who talks to them and helps them without any ulterior motive. He’s not trying to build a case against ITEX/The Institute of Higher Learning, he’s not double crossing them, he’s not plagued with guilt. He just genuinely wants to help them, and they genuinely want to help him, and that’s their first introduction to a healthy, non-codependent relationship.

My many disorganized notes on Michael Rivers:

He’s from specifically Morris Heights, Bronx, NYC.

He would say that his last name is actually Rivera, but his grandparents changed it to Rivers so it would sound more English, and his family has been in America for so long that he doesn’t know much about any Latino heritage he may or may not have. He identifies as African American, not Afro-Latino. He’s just bitter that his family felt the need to change their surname to have better opportunities in New York.

Nudge aggressively befriends him pretty much the moment she meets him, bullies him into teaching her how to code, and he very quickly adopts her as his pseudo-little-sister.

His delusions in the book seemed to involve government conspiracies, but as that’s the one delusion that is proved correct in the book, I’ve decided it would be best if his delusions and reality intersected a bit less if I don’t want to write him having a manic/paranoid episode in the second scene he has screen time. So his delusions are more based on “none of this is real”, “someone is recording everything I do and setting me up to fail” and “my ill-wishes on people can and will come true if I dwell on them too long.”. Government conspiracies are one of things he is skeptical about because he thinks most conspiracies are either “CIA admitted to this twenty years ago” or “antisemitism”.

He’s taking online free college classes that don’t actually give him any college credit, but they have good information and help him feel like he’s working towards something. He plans to double major in computer sciences and electrical engineering, minor in marine biology. He’s wanted to join NOAA since he was twelve and he is nothing if not stubborn.

There you go. These are my characters, now. I have custody.

[mikaze-discord]

Quartet Night: Love letters

Annnnnd these are the love letters written for Quartet Night!!!

Please enjoy under the cut~

REIJI KOTOBUKI

From Anon:

I've always been drawn to characters with complex (and fairly dark) personalities, so liking Rei-chan was honestly inevitable for me.

He looks like a very bright and cheerful character at first, which he is, but sometimes that part of him is a little misleading because, in actuality, he's a character that holds a lot of negative feelings about himself due to a past that he can't seem to move on from. He holds a lot of those feelings to himself because he doesn't want to burden anyone else with them. He's a reliable, cunning, and ultimately selfless character that chooses to shoulder a lot on his own out of his infinite care for others, and perhaps a secret sense of atonement, all hidden behind his bright demeanor and goofy smile, and it's endlessly interesting to me.

Besides the duality of his personality, he has a lot of other endearing quirks to love about him. He loves his mom a lot and is a mama's boy. His old-man jargon and catchphrases never fail to amuse (I still can't get over the way he says "my girl"). His obsession with anything even remotely British is something my APH England phase can relate to. His style of music brings a lot of pleasant feelings of nostalgia for me, and his pretty voice suits them a lot. And most of all he's just a very good boy overall. I rate 99999 out of 10 would love and support him and also maybe pay for his therapy because god knows he needs it. Happy anniversary!!

From another anon: 

Would you like to hear a story? You do? Very well then, may this story be one you enjoy.

What do I like about Reiji kotobuki? A Lot of things actually!

Well, I've always really liked Reiji as a character as he seemed to be one of the more interesting characters to me, due to how complex he is with his backstory and general just personality.

I have always really enjoyed how Reiji just solves problems too? Like he is just such an outgoing person who deserves all the support!!!

Like the best word I can use for Reiji is just, unique. Everything about him is just so Reiji. From the way he talks, to his nicknames or even his texting style. Like have you seen how many people use emoticons when texting as Reiji? It's just so him.

I like his way of thinking too! I feel like some of the interactions in the games are just so interesting, just seeing Reiji’s point of view. How he deals with a sort of survivor’s guilt and all of that.

Personally, some of my most memorable roleplaying moments were watching a Reiji rper in action, like just seeing them interact and flow so seamlessly with the other characters was just so fascinating to wee baby rper me. Such a large part of playing Reiji is just how you flow with the people around you and comedic timing. I have so many funny moments where Reiji was just interacting with people and it was just so inspirational (?) like I couldn't stop the smile on my face. I had learnt alot from them. I still consider them my roleplaying senpai almost! I don't talk to them anymore but I really had an amazing time just seeing their spin on the character.

I don't find him to be a romantic partner towards me nor do I see any of the characters in that light, but I've always found Reiji as such a personal character. Not even just towards me, like even with other utapri stans. The most relatable character always seems to be Reiji.

I've always been pretty similar in many aspects to him and I often find myself relating to him in numerous ways like his vibe is just relatable! I have often found myself trying to make other people laugh and have fun that many times I'm spreading myself thin and feel unappreciated...Reiji really helped with that.

This is where i start getting into the really personal stuff LOL feel free to skip if you dont wanna hear the angsty backstory.

I had really come to love Reiji when I had just...hit a low. I had a group of friends who I enjoyed hanging out with and just talking to, but they weren't very good friends per say. I often had to schedule every activity we did and I spent days and nights trying to think of concepts that might be fun. They took it for granted.. I had spent 4 months trying to make a game for them, and they had constantly pushed back times that we would play it. Using excuses to not play it, without telling me out right what they did not like or even why. The site I used was later taken down without notice and thus I had lost all my progress. Later, they had mentioned how they would like to play it except that later ended up being two years later. I really wish I could've solved things with that friend group like Quartet Night did but that didn't happen. That is when I started seeing things Reiji’s way? Not to say that it was the same or similar scenario to Reiji but I had just associated it with him.

RANMARU KUROSAKI

From Anon:

Ran is such a fun character! He sounds like a "rough outside, soft inside" kind of character, but his roughness is more like an integral part of him and it's through it that he shows he cares rather than setting it aside. That's what made me want to rp him. I also like how he is such a strong guy who's always determined to do his best in everything he does despite so much having gone wrong in his past. And it's very satisfying to see him form bonds and start to trust people.

From @mikaze-san:

Originally, my favourite Utapri boy was Ai, and it had been the robot boy for several years upon entering the fandom. In fact, it only switched to Ranmaru sometime late last year but regardless, I would still die for this man. Part of the reason why I switched is because I’ve always been a fan of Suzuki Tatsuhisa and I have a huge bias towards any man who wears nail polish without fearing being “feminine” because fuck gender roles.

As someone who studies fashion, I think Ranmaru is very coordinated and confident when it comes to portraying himself that way. He knows he’s not very good at expressing his emotions and utilises his passion for rock and playing the bass to portray those feelings through his songs. It’s also incredibly inspiring to know that he bounces back from pretty much anything considering his backstory and the stuff he deals with in the game/anime.

But my main reason for loving Ranmaru so much stems from the fact that I admire him a lot and want to be more like him. For a long time last year, I got to roleplay as Ranmaru in a few Utapri groups and through those experiences, I gained a better understanding and appreciation of the characters that I wrote for. In some weird way, by highlighting his flaws, character progression and how he dealt with different emotions, I ended up providing insight into how I dealt with similar issues by looking at them from a 3rd person perspective.

I used to be very shy and was very shut off from friends and family, and due to this I’ve always admired people in my life or fictional characters that are so confident in being who they are. Ranmaru particularly struck that chord in me because his bluntness knows no end. He’s very opinionated and doesn’t fear confrontation, in most cases being the one to provoke it. He speaks his mind openly without being overly anxious of the consequences. This is something that I feel is especially relevant today with being your authentic/unapologetic self is such a trend.

It’s something I’ve also noticed with having met people in or outside of this fandom, the notion of idolising a fictional character containing traits that we want to see in ourselves. Which made me think about a lot of my favourite kinds of characters which at the end of the day all boil down to sharing one similar trait: Being a bitch.

And in Utapri, Ranmaru embodies that. So naturally it’s very easy for me to idolise him.

(Tldr: I like his bitchy attitude.)

AI MIKAZE 

From Arashi:

It's hard to put into words why I love Ai Mikaze, perhaps it's because I'm subconsciously drawn to him, maybe it's because his hair and eyes are my favorite color, maybe it's because his voice is that of an angels, there are many reasons why I love him. I couldn't tell you a definite, "These one or two reasons are the entire reason I love him", but I'll try to sum it up.

I grew to love him by admiring his personality, his smile, his determination to reach his goals, everything about him made me happy. He's strict and a little scary at times, but when he sees people caring for him, he becomes happy and in a way, sentimental. He's not sure how to explain the way he feels, but he tries. I think I admire how he holds all the little things precious to his heart as he learns about them, and he wants to understand how to care for others and how they care for them in return. Even after six years, he still remains the most dear to me. I think that he now has a sentimental value to me, because even if I 'loved' another character more for a while, I will always come back to Ai. Ai deserves the world, and I'd give it to him if I could. He'll always be special to me, and I think that he very much deserves that.

From Maronda: 

My love for Ai started after I found Shining Live by chance and started to play. At first I wasn't particularly attached to any of the characters and decided to go back and watch the anime to maybe remember some context other than who Starish was. When I got to the episode focused on Ai and his "secret" I was absolutely thrown off by it all. I ended up feeling like I had so many questions and I knew that the anime would give me little to no answers, so I frequently turned to rambling on the internet about it. Eventually, this fixation on weird things about him seemed to turn into a clear fondness for him, and friends made me realize just how much I liked him. Knowing the cold and often strange aspects of his personality was due to something out of his control was something I resonated with as someone on the autism spectrum. He reminded me of some of the ways I used to think and behave.

I also began to notice other things I loved about him. Things like how soothing I found his voice, the pleasant shade of light blue in his hair and eyes, how ridiculously pretty he is... but the best things are the endearing parts of his personality. Though he's somewhat harsh, he's still entirely genuine. His curiosity is absolutely precious and his occasional awkwardness in expressing emotion or understanding the emotions of others made me empathize with him. And if you look at the Ai in Shining Live and compare it to the Ai in the anime and games... he really has changed a lot and grown as a person. He now seems so much gentler and understanding, and he clearly values the friendships he has now too! I think he's a wonderful character and ever since friends of mine encouraged me to selfship I've essentially been in love with him, but it also makes me happy to see other people appreciate him for other reasons as well. He's just so lovable!

CAMUS

From @uta-no-fakku-sama:

At the very beginning of my UtaPri interest, Camus never really caught my attention. That is until he became my first My Only Prince UR. I’ve come to appreciate him a lot more ever since, and now he’s become my favorite QUARTET NIGHT member! Along the way, I learned more about him and realized he’s one of the more complicated characters to understand. Nonetheless, I absolutely adore him. I tend to tease and make fun of him a lot, but deep down I truly do like him a whole bunch!

From @/waddamaloooon on twt: 

A little Camus appreciation post

(alternatively known as; how this guy managed to harshly take my heart and step on it like the gumin I am.)

Hello, this is Suikamaru, here to share a tiny story of why I, and eventually you, love Camus Rondo Cryzard.

At first glance, his looks appealed to me, but not his behavior (and ironically enough, his voice) so I didn't bat an eye on him. I've always been on a neutral leaning to dislike opinion on Camus, which is quite understandable because have you SEEN the way he acts. Unfathomable.

…..To a Young Suikamaru, that is.

I've grown, so naturally I've changed preferences regarding characters, ikemen, and who to stan and who to avoid like the plague. I will lie if I said that I expected to like that blonde confectionery devouring machine at any point of my life.

But it did happen so who are we fooling here.

It dawned on me that Camus is the type of character that you cannot appreciate unless you go in depth into his lore, backstory, and see him for who he really is. Because then everything else will make sense. And that never happened in my case until I started roleplaying as him.

I realized that he's not just a two faced, sweet toothed mean man. He's a perfectionist, someone who's always been raised since his childhood days to be nothing less than complete, who has locked on his heart and emotions to devote himself completely to the purpose given to him. He has the looks and brains for what though? He should be a little stupid honestly.

But his intelligence gave him the complexity that he just needed for his characteristics. Because as aforementioned, he's not someone to easily like or fall in love with. And I think that's quite rare in characters, and very much appreciated due to the fact it gives the fans a chance to not actually stay on a flat level of knowledge regarding their favorite characters.

I've slowly started to see myself in some aspects of him, which was the number one factor of liking him. Then came the Maeno magic when I realized Camus shares the same VA as another character that I love as well. (Hamelin, from SinoAlice.) From then, everything went downhill.

In a good way. I think..

Well, that is all from me, please read about this handsome man and appreciate his hard work both as an individual and as an idol. There is SO much to him that's p much overlooked and I'm getting broke from spending my money on his living expenses rent free in my head. Take him off my head.

[autolenaphilia]

Universal Horror Reviews Part 5: The Werewolf movies

(This isn't an actual series, but they are all Universal horror films and are on this dvd box-set I own of "The Wolf Man: The Legacy Collection", so I decided to group them together)

Werewolf of London

This 1935 film is often seen as an attempt to imitate Paramount’s success with the classic film version of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde in 1931. And certainly Henry Hull’s character Wilfred Glendon has similarities with Jekyll/Hyde of the 1931 film that goes beyond those that the werewolf idea inherently has with Stevenson’s story. The character is a London-based scientist here. And while his werewolf form isn’t talkative, he is more human-acting and wears clothes, which gives him more of a Hyde feel. The transformation scene ending with him putting on his hat and coat and walking out seems taken right out of the 1931 Jekyll film. The film suggests that in werewolf form Glendon’s dark side is expressed, which gives the werewolf myth even more Jekyll/hyde overtones. There is a flower that can momentarily cure his lycanthropy, and Glendon’s desperate struggle to get it mirrors that of Hyde’s struggle for the transformation drug. The film also ends with him being shot by the police at his home and him transforming back into his human self as he dies.

The film’s heavy debt to the 1931 Jekyll and Hyde film is obvious and undeniable. And Werewolf of London while a fine film is also definitely inferior to Rouben Mamoulian’s Jekyll. It does not have the strong, stylish and innovative direction and editing that makes the 1931 film such a classic. And being made after the Hays Code in 1935, the disturbing sex and violence that makes the 1931 film so shocking even today is also absent.

Still this is a very well-made film. And it is still one of the first Hollywood werewolf films and as such has some ideas of its own. Glendon’s fate is not of his own making, and Henry Hull makes him into a sympathetic figure. He is a man turned into a killer against his will and tortured by his guilt. Yet he is not wholly sympathetic. He is also quite a waspish and jealous person. These negative characteristics are heavily implied to play a role in his actions as a werewolf. His wife Lisa Glendon (played by Valerie Hobson) meets an old childhood friend Paul Ames (Lester Matthews) and their friendship rekindles, which awakens a strong jealousy in Wilfred. And this jealousy seems to also exist in his werewolf form and seems to motivate him in the finale. It is another trace of the influence of the 1931 Jekyll/Hyde film, but it is still a very interesting character dynamic for a werewolf. Henry Hull shines in this complex role.

Apparently the design Pierce ended up using six years later for The Wolf-Man was his original idea for the werewolf in this film. But Henry Hull didn’t want too disfiguring make-up, so a more restrained version was used instead. It is still good, and the transformation sequences are well done.

Warner Oland plays Dr. Yogami. He is the werewolf who bit and infected Glendon with “werewolfery” (as Yogami calls it), yet also struggles with the guilt over his involuntary killing. Dr Yogami probably is the element of this film that has dated the most. Oland was a white Swedish actor and was perhaps Hollywood’s foremost yellowface actor in the 30s, with his greatest success in the role of Charlie Chan. His character here at least speaks good english and is portrayed sympathetically, but yellowface it is. Yet his performance is if you can look past that rather good. He plays a man who is in the same situation as Glendon. Yet the two werewolves come into a tragic conflict over the cure.

Universal’s later film The Wolf-man would ultimately become the defining werewolf film. And I overall prefer the latter film. It develops the werewolf idea further and in a more original fashion, free from the strong Jekyll and Hyde influences that hangs over this film. Yet several of its ideas came from this movie made six years earlier. And this is a well-made and very enjoyable film, brought convincingly to life by the acting, directing and special effects.

The Wolf Man

This film excels in gothic foggy environments

This film is perhaps the definitive werewolf film. In fact, it might be the most influential werewolf story. What Bram Stoker’s original Dracula novel was to vampires, this film might be for werewolves.

And that might be because it is such a compelling tragedy. Lawrence Talbot is the most sympathetic “universal monster” of them all. He is just an ordinary person, who gets bitten by a werewolf and turns into one himself. And what this leads to is an innocent man, who loses control of himself and is compelled to kill. It is an impossible situation, the guilt is terrible.

Certainly that was also in Werewolf of London, but Talbot is far more pitiable. There was the suggestion in the 1935 film that Wilfred Glendon’s werewolf form was an expression of his dark side (with shades ofJekyll and Hyde), his jealousy and aggression being unleashed in his murders. That isn’t the case with Larry Talbot, he attacks people that he loves and has no real reason to hurt.

It makes him into a more simple character perhaps, but it makes the film more focused and able to tug harder on the audience’s heart strings. The emotions are more direct, more strong. The audience might be unsure what to think of Wilfred Glendon, but Talbot feels more unambiguously deserving of our sympathy.

This is Lon Chaney Jr’s most famous role and it is perfect for him. Chaney Jr. was an underrated actor and this film is proof of that. By the end of the film, his entire bearing is expressing the guilt, anguish and fear Talbot is feeling.

The supporting cast is excellent too. Claude Rains is of course excellent as Lawrance’s father Sir John Talbot. His position is almost as difficult as that of his son. The very end of the film when he realizes the full tragedy of his and his son’s situation is heartbreaking.

Bela Lugosi is in this film too, relegated to an important but small role as the werewolf who infects Talbot. Putting an actor of such weight in a relatively small role might seem like a waste, but he adds to the film a lot. His character has not aged well, he is a romani stereotype but it is a sympathetic one and his screen presence makes the character work. Maria Ouspenskaya plays his mother, and despite the romani stereotyping she has to portray is actually quite touching as a maternal figure. And Universal stalwart Evelyn Ankers does good work as the love interest here.

The film is just beautifully mad. The great script by Curt Siodmak is an elegiac dark fairy tale. The dialogue has a mythical quality to it, and indeed it is sometimes mistaken for genuine folklore, like the famous “even a man who is pure in heart…” poem

Together with the atmospheric cinematography, set design, the wolf man’s make-up by Jack Pierce and the music all contributing to the gothic mood. It is perhaps the last great Universal horror film and remains an emotionally affecting tragedy.

She-Wolf of London

This is a movie that is almost impossible to talk about without spoiling it, it ends with a big twist that is very fun if you don’t see it coming.

I recommend seeing it before you read the rest of this review. It’s a good movie as long as you leave any preconceptions of what it should be at the door.

Reading about it, I’ve noticed this movie isn’t that well-liked among Universal horror film fans. It’s because it is really a mystery and not a proper supernatural horror movie. The idea of a female werewolf is suggested, but never actually shows up. And instead it ultimately becomes a mystery film. But it is a good one in my opinion. The suggestion of werewolves adds a nice gothic tinge to the mystery drama. The characters are interesting, there is some good fucked-up psychology driving the plot here. That the story is centered around and driven by three women feels refreshing even today, and definitely makes it feel different from other mystery films of the era.

[magdaclaire]

to forgive is not to forget and sometimes you cannot do either

read on ao3

Oh no, oh no. There’s only like five ways that this conversation is going to go, and if someone raises a fucking pinky finger to his Tony, Rhodey is going to lose it. He’s going to completely lose it. 

When the good Captain starts raising his voice, Rhodey starts rising out of his seat, completely out of his control. He’s sat down again, however, by the fact that Tony grabs his wrist, pulling him back down to the Earth in more ways than one. Instead of letting him fly off the handle, Tony laces their fingers calmly, keeping both himself and Rhodey hemmed in off of the edges of anger and disparity as to not lose their collective minds in the middle of this mixed company. Instead of losing it, Rhodey zones out for a minute, checking his recently painted nails (peach, because Riri had picked it out and decided it looked great for their skin tone) and looking occasionally at his phone. 

That is, until Steve Rogers stands his happy ass up. 

“Captain,” Rhodey interrupts, crisp and clear and still polite despite the beginning of his sentence interrupting the middle of the Captain’s. Rogers looks at him with raised brows, though he gives the natural submission of an officer so clearly outranked; Colonel James Rhodes had at least earned his colonelcy, come to think. 

“Yes, Colonel?” Rogers asks, looking at Tony and Rhodey’s linked hands before moving back to the Colonel’s face. Rhodey will remember that. 

“You no longer preside over the Avengers Initiative in any fashion. Captain Danvers is the new Captain of the Avengers, and I have the military authority liaison position. What actions you perceive as right and wrong, whether this is an official meeting or not, are no longer relevant. Keep them to yourself,” Rhodey instructs, level toned and frustrated, to which Rogers’s face screws into an expression of displeasure. Rhodey holds his gaze. 

“I’m not the leader anymore so I don’t get to have an opinion?” Rogers asks, high and offended, but Rhodey doesn’t roll his eyes, which he thinks someone should be proud of. Tony squeezes his hand, but still Rhodey continues. 

“Was anyone allowed an opinion during your tenure as leader?” Rhodey asks rhetorically. Tony’s hand slips out of his, grabbing onto his arm with more tenacity, more strength. Rhodey ignores it. “I don’t think it much matters what you think anyway. Your probationary period has not reached its end, and thus your vote isn’t one that needs to be taken into consideration. Your presence in these meetings is a privilege and can be revoked, should I or Captain Danvers choose to revoke it. Don’t tempt me, Captain Rogers.” 

“Well, then why don’t you revoke it, Colonel? You seem to be damn well tempted enough,” Rogers shoots back, temper tested as he rises completely to his feet, Barnes looking alarmed and yet cowed next to him. By Rhodey’s guess, he doesn’t want to be here at all. His attention is pulled away by Tony’s hand on his arm once again. 

“I think we need a moment’s recess, if we could have it. I think it would be good for everyone. Captain Danvers?” Tony suggests, looking desperately between Carol and his usual corralling partner, Agent Sharon Carter. They both nod, though Captain Danvers is the one to reply aloud. 

“I was about to suggest the same thing. How about we take twenty minutes, agents? Come back at 1400, and come back without the chips on shoulders, if you don’t mind?” Carol clips with her eyebrow raised, not a suggestion at all. Rogers purses his lips but gives her a tight nod, taking the south exit with his half of the team in tow. Tony, who has always reminded him of a Chihuahua when he’s upset with him, is nearly vibrating when he drags Rhodey into an empty office, shoving Rhodey into a chair. Rhodey crosses his arms and waits for the fire to start, because if he gets the first word in, this is not going to go well. 

“What the fuck was that, Rhodes?” Tony asks, 

“Rogers is a bag of fucking microaggressions in a freedom suit and I’m not gonna deal with it - he disrespects you and argues with you whenever you open your mouth and puts you down and undercuts your arguments, and it’s counterproductive!” Rhodey argues, the steam nearly coming out of his ears, and he isn’t angry at Tony, he shouldn’t be expressing it at Tony, but Tony won’t let him throw shit at Steve Rogers for some reason, so this is what he’s got. Tony crosses his arms and leans against the wall opposite him. 

“I can deal with Steve Rogers. What I can’t deal with is my best friend ruining the groundwork that I’ve put down for pardoning and forgiving Steve Rogers and his merry band so that we can get them back into the fold. That’s what I can’t deal with,” Tony says, but there’s one thing that Rhodey has to stick on, because what.

“He doesn’t deserve your fucking forgiveness, Tony!” he insists, uncrossing his arms to scrub his hands across his skull. Maybe he’s overprotective of Tony, and maybe that comes from a couple of decades of being in love with him and not doing a fucking thing about it, but maybe that’s no one’s goddamn business either. That doesn’t mean Steve Rogers deserves to be forgiven for lying to him and trying to kill him either. Like Tony hasn’t been lied to for his entire life. Like most of the people Tony has trusted his entire life haven’t betrayed him. But he looks up and Tony looks stricken and he’s getting closer and Rhodey isn’t expecting - Tony sputters. 

“But you forgave me!” 

Silence settles. Rhodey racks his mind for whatever the fuck Tony means, tries to do whatever mental math that Tony’s guilt complex has conjured, but he can’t come up with whatever Tony thinks he did. Whatever he thinks Rhodey forgave him for. So he asks. 

“Forgave you for what, Tones?” Tony crumbles. 

“I didn’t catch you. The suit didn’t catch you. Nothing I did, everything I did failed, I should have been able to - platypus I failed you. And you acted like it was nothing. You just came right back to me and acted like we were fine, and you’re still my best friend and you still love me and everything is fine and you’re not gonna leave me,” he rambles, falling to his knees between Rhodey’s own, and Rhodey just wants to hold him. So he does. He gathers Tony into the well of his chest and holds him against himself and just lets him cry for a minute because that’s what he needs. 

“Tony, none of that was your fault. It’s not your fault. I’m never gonna leave. We’ve been together for decades, Tony Stark. I’m yours, and you’re mine, in every way that matters. It wasn’t your fault. There was nothing to forgive,” he promises, stroking Tony’s hair. Tony’s sobs subside eventually, and the tears dry too. 

Carol doesn’t come get them. 

“I think we might be doing this wrong, you know,” Tony says eventually, when they’ve been sitting like this way too long for his knees to still be in good condition. Rhodey hums a questioning hum. “I’ve been halfway in love with you since I was fifteen years old.” 

Rhodey chokes on clean air, and then he’s coughing, and Tony has to get off of his chest, killing their intimacy. But, Rhodey has the idea that they’re just getting started on that side of things. 

“I was twenty-two. Coming home from my first tour. When I figured it out about you. Too scared of DADT to do anything I guess, or maybe that was a good excuse, was too scared of you not wanting me back too. But I knew I loved you. Always knew,” he says, not quite looking at Tony, because even though Tony’s already said it, he has near thirty year old fear in the back of his mind making his teeth ache. Tony catches him by the jaw. 

“I love you,” Tony says, a confession and a benediction and a completion. Rhodey breathes, and his chest feels clear. 

“I love you too,” and it feels like forgiveness. 

[karnakian]

anyway,  speaking  of  maria  ...  you  know  the  drill,  annual  maria  rant  (  under  the  cut  this  time  because  it’s  long  and  i’m  sure  some  people  might  get  tired  of  me  talking  about  her  lol  )

i  think  if  i  ever  did  actually  bring  her  in  as  a  guest  muse  (  which  ...  idk,  maybe  ?  i’ve  always  wanted  to  at  least  lol  )  i  might  rethink  the  way  that  i’ve  been  envisioning  her  for  the  past  few  years.  keep  in  mind  that  the  only  time  maria  is  brought  up  in  -  game  is  during  leon’s  proposal  event,  although  she  is  subtly  alluded  to  in  his  date  event  as  well,  though  this  is  only  realized  upon  retrospection.

the  event  makes  it  clear  of  course  that  maria  was  leon’s  closest  (  human  lol  )  childhood  friend  and  that  they  did  everything  and  went  everywhere  together  from  a  young  age.  while  he  viewed  him  as  a  younger  sister,  she  had  romantic  feelings  for  him  since  they  were  children.  he  also  described  her  as  being  a  crybaby  when  she  was  young,  too,  which  eventually  led  to  their  infamous  promise  -  leon,  desperate  to  stop  maria  from  crying  when  she  was  inconsolable  one  day,  questioned  if  there  was  anything  that  he  could  do  to  get  her  to  stop,  and  she  asked  if  she  could  marry  him  one  day.  he  agreed,  and  they  later  marked  their  names  on  the  temple  (  leon  karnak  )  in  the  old  tongue  as  a  symbol  of  this  vow.  since  that  day,  even  though  leon  later  forgot  all  about  the  promise  after  having  dismissed  it  as  just  another  silly  childhood  game  or  otherwise  a  phase  she  would  eventually  grow  out  of,  she  never  cried  again  :

even  on  the  day  when  leon  left  to  become  a  guardian,  maria  stood  at  a  distance  behind  everyone  else,  looking  as  though  she  might  cry  at  any  minute  but  not  allowing  herself  to  even  once  :

this,  of  course,  is  what  led  him  to  remembering  their  childhood  promise,  and  became  the  crux  of  his  guilt  that  wound  up  as  his  basis  for  distancing  himself  from  the  rest  of  the  townsfolk  once  he  woke  up  in  the  modern  age  and  vowing  to  never  marry  anyone  so  as  not  to  trample  on  her  feelings  more  than  he  already  had.  her  letters  that  she  wrote  to  him  also  reveal  that  she  waited  for  him  for  decades,  still  not  crying  even  once,  eager  to  keep  their  promise  even  after  he  was  gone.  even  though  it  is  later  revealed  through  a  ~  wacky  turn  of  events  ~  that  maria  did  eventually  find  someone  and  get  married  (  and,  ultimately,  became  happy  ),  this  becomes  the  main  conflict  in  lftp  --  should  leon  allow  himself  to  find  his  own  happiness  after  believing  he  had  taken  away  hers  ?  on  top  of  that,  maria  also  revealed  that  her  neighbors,  not  knowing  about  their  promise,  found  her  harsh  and  unfeeling  after  she  never  appeared  to  grieve,  even  after  her  parents  died  and  her  other  friends  slowly  left  her,  leaving  her  alone.  why  should  leon  get  to  have  friends  and  start  his  own  family  when,  he  thought,  he  took  away  her  chance  of  having  her  own  by  stealing  her  tears  ?

the  story  of  course  does  have  a  happy  ending,  revealing  that  maria  did  end  up  having  a  happy  life  as  stated  above  and  that  she  wrote  a  book  detailing  her  married  life,  written  in  the  ancient  tongue  that  she  and  leon  had  learned  together  as  children,  that  she  hoped  that  leon  would  one  day  be  able  to  read  when  he  woke  up  again  so  that  he  would  know  not  to  feel  guilty.  she  even  made  a  wish  for  him  using  a  blessing  from  their  childhood  that  he  would  find  his  own  happiness  as  well.

this  is  all  information  that  has  been  integral  to  my  portrayal  of  leon  since  ...  i  started  this  blog,  actually  LMAO.  his  guilt  towards  maria  and  believing  that  he  irrevocably  ruined  the  life  and  stole  the  happiness  of  one  of  the  people  most  dear  to  him,  alongside  his  inability  to  relate  to  the  modern  age  and  some  good  old  -  fashioned  survivor’s  guilt  to  boot,  are  the  main  reasons,  in  my  opinion,  that  he  works  so  hard  to  ensure  that  the  people  of  selphia  only  know  him  on  a  superficial,  surface  level  --  haha  he’s  the  guy  that  jokes  around  and  teases  people  !  you  don’t  want  to  become  his  next  target,  do  you  ?  it’s  not  that   deep,  don’t  look  at  him  too  closely,  haha  !  that  being  said,  i  did  notice  on  my  most  recent  playthrough  there  a  couple  of  thing  that  over  the  past  few  years  i  had  kind  of  ...  forgotten  about.

i  mentioned  earlier  that  i  had  always  kind  of  hoped  to  add  maria  as  a  guest  muse  here,  so  i’ve  always  been  pretty  interested  in  what  kind  of  person  maria  was.  of  course  maria  is  someone  who  leon  cherishes  highly,  referring  to  her  as  a  ‘  sweet  girl  ’  that  he  regarded  as  a  little  sister,  someone  who  used  to  cry  all  the  time  and  was  later  thought  of  as  cold  and  mean  after  leon  left.  given  that  this  event  is  the  only  time  in  game  we  hear  about  her,  there  is  so  little  information  that  we  actually  know  about  her,  and  all  of  it  is  from  leon’s  word  of  mouth  or  from  maria’s  direct  perspective.  i’ve  always  taken  what  little  info  we  do  know  and  have  seen  her  as  someone  who  was  ...  kind  of  quiet,  but  kind.  timid,  perhaps,  and  maybe  didn’t  have  many  friends  due  to  her  shyness.  a  lot  of  this,  i  do  still  absolutely  stand  by  !!  however,  there  are  a  couple  of  things  that  i  noticed  during  my  most  recent  playthrough  that  i  think  are  really  vital  in  understanding  the  kind  of  person  maria  was.

the  first  thing  i  noticed  that  stood  out  to  me  was  the  emphasis  on  leon  being  really  maria’s  only  friend,  and  perhaps  even  him  being  the  only  person  that  really  actually  cared  for  her.  when  he  talks  about  viewing  maria  as  a  little  sister,  he  does  explicitly  say  that  perhaps  he  was  the  only  one  who  thought  of  her  in  that  light.

it’s  hard  to  know  exactly  what  he  means  by  this  because  there  is  just  sooo  little  information  regarding  their  childhood,  but  to  me  this  reads  that  she  was  someone  who  didn’t  really  have  anyone  but  leon,  maybe  even  possibly  someone  who  was  shunned  or  disliked  by  her  peers.  

another  thing  that  struck  me  when  playing  through  it  again  was,  of  course,  leon’s  breakdown  upon  finding  maria’s  “  final  “  letter.  at  the  beginning  of  his  rant,  there  have  always  been  a  handful  of  lines  that  have  stayed  with  me  through  the  years  :

these  are  the  first  lines  that  leon  says  right  at  the  beginning  of  his  speech,  right  when  he’s  transitioning  from  shock  to  spilling  over  in  grief.  keep  in  mind  that  his  partner  with  him  has  never  said  a  single  word  throughout  this  (  except  for  maybe  his  name  ?  i  can’t  quite  remember  lol  )  and  that  this  is  his  instinctual  first  response  to  finding  and  reading  this  letter  --  to  protect  maria.  it  could  just  be  in  response  to  what  maria  said  in  the  letter  about  people  finding  her  distant  and  mean,  but  keeping  the  information  above  about  him  being  the  only  person  that  thought  of  her  kindly  (  or,  at  least,  in  a  sisterly  way  )  i  find  that  the  fact  that  leon’s  very  first  response  is  to  guard  her  from  accusations  of  being  ‘  cold  ’  to  be  really  interesting.  to  me,  it  seems  like  it’s  almost  second  nature  to  him,  like  it’s  something  that  he’s  done  in  the  past.

i’m  not  entirely  sure  exactly  where  i  stand  on  the  topic  of  maria’s  personality,  but  it’s  clear  that  she’s  a  lot  more  interesting  and  complex  than  i  think  i  previous  gave  her  credit  for.

[dathen]

161 and 162 spoilers: ive been trying to figure out sasha and tim's views towards jon? bc in 161 they act so friendly but in 162 they seem to have more complex and negative feelings towards him. were they faking in 161? or was that episode like, them trying to be nice for the sake of an older friendship and 162 is them venting about the unfairness of sasha not getting the position? i cant tell if i think it was " just being polite to his face" or "friends but understandably complex feelings"

Oh god you missed my full-on baffled meltdown over this after going berserk with misguided s1 friendship feelings after 161

After talking to like 20 different people for like 40 hours, I had to redo a LOT of my perception of those early relationships.  I am just a starved aro who wants to force everything into found family and know my crimes!!!

My conclusion with a lot of conjecture and personal interpretation ended up being:

Jon, Tim, and Sasha worked in the research department, but that it was a big enough department they knew of each other and weren’t really friends.  Tim and Sasha were super close, and Jon is prickly and abrasive and keeps to himself and pushes people away.  But Tim’s friendly enough he knows pretty much everyone, and Sasha had the most seniority, so Jon picked them when allowed to choose a couple assistants.  (this is revised from my pie in the sky “the three of them were friends and when Jon was promoted he brought his friends with him” which really didn’t click with 162 anymore)

This is where we hear 162 - They’ve worked around Jon but not with Jon, and both resent him and are seeing him at his worst.  They’re indulging in some good old fashioned vent about your boss that you don’t know all that well, rather that talking about a friend behind his back.  (this is just my interpretation bc I personally can’t deal with “vent about friend behind their back” things no matter how understandable)

Fast forward a bit, and it’s Martin’s birthday, but they’re including Jon.  Fast forward a few more months, and they’re throwing a surprise birthday party for Jon.  I think that despite starting off with resentment and stress and a terribly messy situation, over time they started warming up to Jon and seeing him for what he was–a young person thrown into an impossible situation and trying so hard to do a good job despite being unprepared.  And who is an absolute pushover and whose efforts to be Strict and Professional are easy to brush off.  

I don’t think they were close friends, but Sasha and Jon’s banter in Strange Music and the familiar way she spoke to him while recording right before her death was such a far cry from that early dynamic we heard in 162.  Tim was bratty and teasing in 161, but genuinely seemed to want to cheer Jon up and do something special for him.  He also made sure to include him in their outings.  Sasha and Tim were already close friends before the transfer, but made an effort to try to make The Archives Team a positive thing in the long run despite the rough start, Jon included.   The resentment by then had probably drained away to be mainly targeted at Elias “waste of a suit” Bouchard.  

This also fits the emotional storytelling of what we see in the series.  Jon was DEVASTATED by Sasha’s death–not just out of guilt, but it felt personal.  Tim was willing to risk his life to save him.  Their falling out had notes of wounded betrayal that a story of “I only pretended to put up with you” couldn’t generate.

TLDR season 1 archive team can have little a tentative friendship, as a treat

[jamiedc-they-them]

Recovering what was once lost (Platonic)

hey, can i ask for a josie x reader where reader had a fight with jed and josie takes care of him? B

AN/ Hope you like it :)

“Hope!” Josie yelled as she stormed into her friend’s room; Hope looked at the girl in worry. Josie would’ve normally knocked; she would’ve then waited for a reply only to then open the door. However, from the look on her face to her tone, Hope could tell this was an emergency.

“It’s Y/N.” If this was any other situation, she’d be more hesitant with bringing up your name and the current situation you were in. The state you were in. As said before, however, this as an emergency. So, dire situations and the measures to overcome those situations and all that.

It was had had led her here, visiting your twin (not by blood; but it wasn’t like either cared) to ask her for help as a last resort. Although, if she was honest, she had no other options.

“Where is he? What happened?” She asked, almost diving off the bed as she asked the question. Worry coated her gaze, her mind not exactly helping her guilt complex; the thoughts darkening by the second as the blame she placed on herself building more and more and more –

“Hope, hey…” Josie had softened her voice as she grabbed her friend’s hand in hers; despite the crush she used to have on her, it had turned into a sisterly bond in the end, “He needs you right now. He won’t make it without your blood.” She reminded Hope of the stakes. Or, thought she was.

If anything, she only increased them.

“Why does he need my blood?” Hope’s voice shook more as she finally processed Josie’s words, “Josie, what the hell happened?” She asked, tears starting to pool at her eyes.

She could lose one of the only remaining family members she had left. She gulped at the thought of that playing out; of her being the only Mikaelson in the school.

“He’s in my room, he’s resting. I had to pretty much drag him out of there, Hope. You know how some people are here.” Hope nodded, knowing that tragic truth; that some people just wanted to pretend that there weren’t issues here.

Granted, Hope could see the appeal to that, to get away from your chaotic life in the normal world and enter this school this a get-a-way. Sadly, with the way their lives had gone, that wouldn’t come to pass.

“Take me to him.” She asked of her friend; Josie easily complied with that want.

 You were sweating, and clearly in pain. You tried not to show it, but you failed ultimately in that part. She ran to your side, biting into her wrist and shoving into your mouth without a second thought, “Come on, Y/N, drink. You need to.” Your sister begged you, you did as she asked.

She let out a sigh of relief as you stopped, laying back to take a breath; Hope looked to Josie, “He’ll be fine.” She assured her friend; Josie nodded, but fiddled with her fingers a little.

It took Hope a moment to understand her friend’s anxious behaviour around you. But she soon remembered, the way you both seemed to just drift from one another. While Hope and her hand resurrected their friendship; yourself and Josie weren’t quite there yet.

“It’s ok, I have somewhere to be anyway.” Hope said as she started to leave the room. That, however, made Josie’s eyes widen.

“Wait, wait, wait.” She called out to Hope; the girl turned around, “What…what if –”

“Josie,” Hope said, stopping her friend’s rambling as she grabbed her hands in her own and gave them a squeeze, “I have to pay Jed a visit; you can get your dad involved, I won’t hold it against you. But I think he’d get the point better.”

“And that point is…?”

“That he’s an idiot for going after Jed on his own.” With that, Hope walked away, again. This time, however, Josie let her friend go.

She looked back at your door, where you awaited some help with recovery. Someone to talk to you to distract you from your pain and help you sort this thing out (Hope, being the older twin, had instructed the super squad to keep an ear out for you and let her know when any issues arose); but, the one who was best at that was now leading the charge against the man who had hurt you.

Lizzie was busy with her own demons, MG was too sweet for this, Kaleb was warming up to you, Rafael she wasn’t sure what his reaction would be.

That left her…. Just her luck.

It wasn’t that you weren’t friends, as that was further from the truth; you were friends, but as said before, you had fallen apart from each other.

Then Josie remembered Hope’s look and words, maybe this would be good for the two of you.

So, with a breath, she entered the room. She was at least going to try and salvage your friendship and keep you alive as best she could.

 Hope Mikaelson had been angry before, both pre-and post- hollow. But, this, this was something else. This rage involved her family, adopted or otherwise. You were her younger brother; nothing, nothing changed that.

So, when she saw Jed, without even thinking she punched him. The alpha stumbled backwards, holding his now bloody mouth.

He turned back to Hope, but she was ready for it escalate. No spells, she’d do this the old fashion way.

No one fucked with her family.

 You were one of the quiet students; despite your name, you didn’t use it in anyway. Despite being in a supernatural school, you wanted to be semi-normal; being a student was your best bet at that. So far, you had been apart from a few stares and whispers about you as you went through the halls.

You weren’t some special tribrid like your sister; no, you were just a simple vampire who happened to be adopted by the most powerful family in vampire and a lot of supernatural lore. Meaning you got held up to see if you actually fit that name.

Jed was one of those people. He was an asshole since like day one. But he seemed to have a thing for getting under your skin; whether it be mentioning your sister or your now deceased father and uncle.

“Look who it I,” The arrogant shit said as he shadowed you down the hallway, his regular band of kissasses following just behind him.

You knew there a hierarchy to this whole wolf thing; you got it and made your peace with it, but you still rolled your eyes at it. They followed him fucking everywhere. At least Raphael was somewhat different in that he stood up for himself and stated his own wants and needs.

“Pretty ironic if you’re going to call me a freak like always, we live in a school where we’d all be called that by the people out there.” You pointed at the door to get your point across.

“Still, surprised you aren’t hiding behind your sister, seems that you practically live in her shadow after all.” Those words seemed to flip something within you. Jed noticed, his eyes having a sort of shine to them at the thought of a fight.

“You leave her out of this.” You growled, but the man only laughed.

 “Hey.” You said softly as Josie came back in the room, you had become more aware of where you were. You knew you’d now make it, but the pain was still there; you were still too tired to do almost anything.

“Hey,” She said back, before clearing her throat at the awkward pause in the room, “Are you feeling any better?” She cringed a little at the words as they left her mouth, knowing the answer.

“Bit better, thanks for asking. But, uh, not my best.” You admitted fully; Josie nodded as she held up a blood bag for you. Your veins darkened instantly as you saw it, throat begging for the blood.

“We’ll have to do this slow,” She advised as she opened the bag and walked towards you, “Don’t want you to lose control.”

“Oh, like I don’t remember what I almost did last time.” She held eyes holding both pity and guilt as she too remembered back to what had almost happened the last time you had almost lost control.

If it hadn’t been for her, Lizzie and Hope, you may have been dead by now. It was a memory they’d rather forget.

Losing your father and uncle made Hope pull away from her friends at the school; the incident just mentioned, though, was what made you pull away from (almost) everyone.

“Easy, easy.” She whispered as you drank a little too fast and greedily; at her words, you took a moment to breath and stopped.

“You don’t have to do this, you know? I can take care of it from here.” You told her, both of you seemingly having the awkwardness of your dynamic at the forefront of the conversation; you did appreciate it, she could tell that. But you both just didn’t really know how to interact with each other.

“Hope’s gone to see Jed,” You let out a groan of frustration as you leaned back and hit your head against the pillow, “She wouldn’t of done it if she didn’t have a reason.” She said in a voice that rose in volume a little to get the point across.

“…Fuck.” You muttered as you drank the blood at a slower pace; but now the mood had shifted into one of guilt from both parties.

 “Really, Mikaelson? You just going to stand there and not attack me? Not continue the assault?” Jed asked as he put his hand to his bloody nose.

“You hurt my brother, I hurt you.” She barked at him; doing everything she could to keep herself from making the first move.

“Oh, the kid started it.” He snapped back at her.

“By doing what? Walking around?” She guessed, anger in herself rising.

“Pretty much.” He admitted; Hope scoffed; how low could he possibly stoop?

 “Anything else?” You asked as Josie had twisted the rag again; she sighed as she did so. You both hadn’t really spoken since you had the conversation before.

“I don’t know, nothing else without me bringing my dad in.” She admitted.

“That won’t end well.” You said, in a dry tone; but Josie smiled a little at your humour.

 You were pretty decent at fighting; but right now, you weren’t. Right now, you had been kicked down to the floor, getting your assed absolutely kicked.

Every kick hurt, your back felt like it would snap, your lungs burned, your face was bleeding.

That was when you felt the teeth sink into your leg.

“HEY!” You heard Josie scream out as she held out her hand, the wolves all backed away from you and then ran. But, through your blurred vision, Jed gave you a warning look.

 “We’ve got a problem,” Hope said as she entered the room, with no blood or injuries, Josie noted, “Jed wants round two.”

Her words sparked some protective mode in Josie; sure, she hadn’t made the best amount of progress with your bond. However, it did make her remember how close you both used to be; about how you both would be protective of the other.

She’d found that fire once again.

 “Alright, we’re clear.” Hope said as she looked out at the hallway; when she said those words, Josie had your arm looped around her shoulder as she shouldered your weight and carried you across the hallway to a new room.

Now that Jed was trying to track you down, the two had the idea to get you from A to B; one room to another all-in order to keep you safe.

You were better, but not a 100% just yet. You were still weak, and probably wouldn’t survive another encounter.

“Are you ok?” You asked Hope as she led you, but kept her eyes search the area like a hawk; looking for any threat that she would need to protect you both from.

“It didn’t come to blows, if that’s what you’re worried about.” She assured you but kept her tone flat. You knew what she was going, trying to hide her feelings of worry and paranoia. You once tried that too, but it was Hope that had broken you out of that.

Now, everyone else was doing that for her. You were included in that list, obviously; but the time when you lost control damaged those odds further. All your dynamics were a little fragile at this moment. But, all three knew that things were starting to go back to some sort of normal. Some sort of equal footing.

“Come on, come on, keep going.” Josie said as you slipped a little, but she picked you back up and you continued on your way.

“I got you, I got you.” She said in a quiet voice that (if Hope hadn’t had her hearing) only you’d hear. It was soft and encouraging. It was how your friendship was; soft and nice…it was safe.

 “Hey, hey, hey, hey. Come on, come on. Y/N! Hey, come one, wake up.” Josie said in a panic as she tapped her hand on your face, but you did nothing but stir and groan.

She furrowed her eyebrows for a moment, before she looked down at your leg. Her eyes widened as she pulled up your leg, seeing the bite.

“No, no, no, no.” She said in more panic as she looked back at your face as you slowly started to drift off, “Y/N, come on! Stay with me. Hey!”

You tried; you really did. You tried your hardest, but you were just too weak at this moment. You were drifting in and out; coming back to see a door, then a bed.

Josie got you into the bed, then looked at you as you struggled. She was almost having a panic attack at this point; she was tearful as she watched you groan in pain and struggle to breath.

“Hope.” She said in remembrance and left to find your sister.

 “Locked, damn it.” Hope said as she pulled and pulled on the door. She looked back at you two, knowing that you both wouldn’t be great in a fight right now.

“Look who it is.” They didn’t have time to think about it, as Jed had shown up one more time with his friends at his back.

Hope had moved from behind you to in front of you.

“You’re not touching them, Jed.” She said, firmly.

You, however, pushed past her and stood in front of them, “I do this, you leave them alone.” You bargained with him, seeing no other way out.

“I’m not just leaving you –” Hope started to say.

“Yes, you will. This is my fight, Hope. Not yours.” You said to her, just tired at this point and wanting this to be over.

“No,” She said as she planted herself firmly beside you, “I’m not leaving you; I’m not letting you push me away, not again. I’m not letting you push us away, again.” She said, you looked at your sister, seeing the conviction in her eyes.

“…Ok.” You said, softly.

Hope turned to Josie, “Go get your dad, we’ll deal with this.” She said to her friend. The next moment, Josie was gone.

You both turned to Jed and his guys, sharing a look, “You ready, little brother?” She asked you.

“Ready.” You told her.

 Josie was running, heart racing as she did so. She ran, ran as fast as she could do. AS she turned the corner, she bumped into her own twin.

“Josie, what’s going on?” Lizzie asked her as she held her twin’s arms.

“It’s Hope and Y/N, we need to find Dad.” She said in almost one breath. Lizzie, however, caught onto the words. Despite how she was, she did appreciate you and Hope; you were her friends, she couldn’t deny that now.

“Ok, ok.” She said, taking her twin’s hand and dragging her to their father’s office. The man had been away lately on a recruiting mission, but he was back now. So, the two knew he’d be able to help you both in your efforts.

The two bursts through Alaric’s office door, startling the man himself. He jumped as they entered; but, instead of reprimanding them, he saw the fear and concern on their faces.

“Girls, what’s going on?” He asked, his own worry growing.

“Hope and Y/N need your help.” That was all he needed to know.

 Hope was at maximum efficiency, and then some. It was anger she had been storing for pretty much all day that was finally coming out when she threw a punch or muttered a spell to throw a wolf away. She wouldn’t kill them, obviously. But, as she had been told in therapy, letting out that anger every now and then was good for her.

Granted, Emma probably didn’t mean it in this way; but, as of right now, it was the only way.

She turned to you, to see you be punched and hit the floor, but you carried yourself and vamp-speeded him into a wall.

 “Stop!” The two of you did so, instantly; panting heavily as you both regrouped. The wolves still wanted a fight, but one look from Alaric had them reconsidering that fact.

They scattered, leaving two tired siblings and three concerned friends of those kids.

“Are you two oks?” He asked as he put a hand on both of your shoulders.

You shared a look, “Better with her help.” She smiled at your words and nudged you lightly.

 It was later, nighttime. You were laying on your bed staring at the ceiling, this time, though, with no pain in your shoulder. You just had silence, and your thoughts for you.

A knock at your door made you look up; Josie was there looking in and checking to see if you were still awake. When you sat up, she came into the room.

She silently moved to your bed, laying herself next to you, “Hi.” She whispered, both of you facing the other as you laid on your side.

“Hey.” You echoed the greeting back to her.

“Are you ok?” She asked; you let out a sigh at her question.

“Better now.” You said, she smiled lightly.

“Good, I’m glad.” She meant the words.

“Thank you,” You said, “Thank you for having my back.”

“Of course, we’re friends. Friends have each other’s back.” She meant those words too.

You believed them now.

[bi-dazai]

honestly i think i have a weird anger or cultural confusion where other gay and trans ppl are like much happier and comfortable to come out and shit and be open, but I've always had an extremely complicated relationship with it because it's always made me feel so isolated and lonely, even with other gay ppl around. and younger ppl especially will like go around coming out so frequently and meanwhile if I'm going to even tell you that I'm attracted to women I have to trust you 110% and that isn't something that comes easy.

I'm terrified of like. Wearing even rainbow goddamn socks because I'm scared shitless of getting bullied, or harassed, or even assaulted. Which is ironic considering I try to be quite fashionable in public but with being openly bi (let alone being openly TRANS) it's a complete no-no.

Like I think as much as I love being bi and nb at the same time I still despise it, I still think it's ruined my life. I have gender dysphoria about my chest whereas if I was cis I would be so happy with how feminine my body is. My first ever relationship with another girl at the moment being cut short by abusive homophobia fucked me up in innumerous ways, leading me to like...severe issues with the way i feel about sex and emotional attachment and touch.

And ofc there's the homophobia, like at this moment I'm probably leaning towards getting a fuckbuddy or smth over tinder but like a romantic relationship with another person is terrifying, like I'm insanely private w relationships even w men, I won't let us hold hands if I think too many people might see bc i have this stupid complex

There's more and more but my relationship with being Out is one where it's something that I simultaneously desire and despise, being Out is one of the most terrifying concepts I can think of and to me having someone refer to me as "they" and not as a woman is simply not as important as being safe, as not living in even more fear of assault.

And then all around me ppl my age (although usually younger) are all coming out to anyone and everyone like it's just casual, saying their pronouns like it's nothing. And first it's disbelief and shock because holy fuck, has everyone gone fucking mad?? Are we all so fucking stupid that we just forget the everloving fear homophobia strikes into you?? And then it's the jealousy, that these people have this comfortable relationship with their own gay/transness and enough trust to actually open up and tell a room full of strangers "please call me they not she". It's disappointment and anger in myself that almost 7 years after forcing myself to whisper "I'm bisexual" to the bathroom mirror in the middle of the night and then cry my eyes out because it felt like I'd been cursed, and probably over a decade since I'd started having sexual feelings about all genders, and an entire lifetime of having feelings for men women and others, after so long I'm still just a coward who sits and hates it all, who fears it all.

But then recently I've come to the realisation that the way I realised I was gay was a way that's kind of...dying out. That being the mostly offline way.

Don't take this the wrong way but I've found a lot of people go online and find this overwhelming amount of support and representation for gay and trans identity. You can argue validly this statement, but the context I use this in is comparing it to like. 2013. People were way less online. Being an online celebrity was a novelty.

At school there were dyke, faggot, tranny, etc, thrown around as if they were confetti. Jokes about "lesbos" and "lesbihonest" humiliated any girl who was too close to another girl. I grew up not just in Brisbane Queensland but in a town that was connected to the mainland only by two bridges - a landbridge and a humanmade bridge. The school was overwhelmingly anglo. Overwhelmingly right wing.

I realised I was bi with minimal help from Tumblr. I realised I was bi because I fell, hard, for my best friend. And then she liked me back, and our relationship was amazing. But the school found out. We held hands under the table, we found a quiet moment to kiss and everyone pointed and stared. We made out in the shadow of a building and turned to find twenty people watching gawkeyed, pointing, fascinated.

The entire time her mum was abusive, and massively homophobic. She blamed me for turning her daughter gay. She forced us multiple times to break up at the threat of violence. Eventually we did. We never talked about it. Our friendship never returned like it used to. It was awkward, tinged with sadness, regret, yearning and young love cut short.

It was traumatic, to say the least.

Tumblr in 2014, despite the cringe screenshots, wasn't actually mostly about LGBT positivity or whatever. I first saw the term bisexual on, if you can believe me, a quotev story in 2011 about a cheerleader and an emo girl who get together in a secret relationship. You were either gay or straight, or you had an exception. Bisexual felt right, though, for me, felt accurate, was accurate.

It was years of confusion and secrecy and guilt, peeks at other girls in the changing room that I couldn't help and I didn't understand why. Then it was months and months of anger and frustration at myself that I was feeling this way and confused about myself, and then when I said those words it felt like I was being torn apart. It felt like my life had fallen apart. I cried every goddamn night, I felt awful all the time.

At school the kids noticed. They noticed before I started dating my friend, they noticed the way I looked at her and they interrogated me about it. I'd claim up and down I had a crush on another boy - true perhaps, but it was a passing interest - and then they said they told him and analysed how I reacted. And then the interrogations continued for months because the gay girl was entertainment for them. Around me, as I walked between classes, had lunch, walked home, dyke dyke dyke faggot hahaha.

And then the relationship happened and then leelah alcorn happened and I learned what a trans person is. And sometime when I was fifteen I saw nonbinary begin to pop up, terms like genderfluid and nonbinary and they rang true like bisexual did, but the last time I went down a rabbit hole like that it ended in trauma, and another person got hurt. I didn't throw homophobia at her, but I felt and still feel responsible for it. I didn't turn her gay, but I made it obvious. I don't quite know how to say it.

I knew I was nonbinary, deep down. One day I decided to add that to my tumblr bio. Nobody gave a shit, just like nobody gave a shit when I said I was bi. But that was because I wasn't open about it even online. I couldn't talk about that stuff or I'd curse myself.

Time went on, I got more comfortable, collected fresh new traumas. My brother came out as trans. Around me, friends came out as gay and trans. But they kept coming out. They didn't stop at close friends and trusted family, they told teachers, their entire class. I didn't understand. Why the fuck would you put yourself at risk like that?? And I still don't. I said it was jealousy and anger at myself before, and maybe it is still a little bit, but now, it's just concern.

As I said, the way I realised I was gay is the rather old fashioned way - offline, through trauma, and almost entirely unenjoyable and traumatic. A lot of kids still go through that for sure. But the ones I see telling everyone over that they're gay or trans are, in my experience, not those ones. As the internet began to become more of a general use thing and less of a "only recluse weirdos" space, the online LGBT safe space began to expand into an audience bigger than before. Online, you were safe. Nobody knew your name, you were behind a screen. Homophobia was veiled, you could just delete a hateful anon, could just log off. You could put up your pronouns and people would use them because, well, ppl didn't really have any other identifier someone might use for your gender. So this positive uplifting atmosphere spawned for the most part. And instead of learning through confusion and rare chance encounters with random words and crying into the sink every night that you're gay, you much easier come across this content that tells you indepth what this is and that it's okay. And you think, well wow, that's me, and then...you know, I guess. Not denying there's some of the classic self hatred etc but...you have this safe space online to fall back on, and I cannot emphasise how much that has pushed the acceptance and widespread knowledge of lgbt people in the past 5 years. I didn't exactly have that space, and my realisation was through mostly real life channels, which were swamped at all sides by homophobia, at worst, abusive, at kindest, it would treat you like a sideshow attraction.

Being someone who arguably isn't old enough to brush this difference away with being an "older gay" but still having had a gay experience quite different to the majority in my generation (applying this to area as well) I have to say I'm confronted with this comfortableness other days have a lot and it's always jarring. I think also that while it's important and I'm happy that "younger" gays and transes have at least one good support network/space to fall back onto online, I do think it creates this kind of...dangerous other side, especially for those who go to schools that are LGBT positive and have families who are also friendly to that sort of stuff. I find that young gay teens are totally unprepared and unhardened for the fact that most people you run into in real life despise your guts for existing as who you are. And while we can make as many soppy gay narratives as possible about being honest about who you are and losing shame, we need to face the fact and teach young lgbt kids that being Out isn't just something you do as a ritual in being gay or trans, it's a brave thing and it's completely optional. And furthermore, most importantly, it's insanely dangerous.

I don't think that teenage, raw fear of the consequences of even the very concept of being Out has ever left me. Perhaps I have to thank the homophobic 14 yr olds who swamped me in slurs and trauma, because it's given me a survival sense that's kept me closeted so far you'd never get in.

But occasionally I'm tempted, particularly with my transness which I am only out to perhaps 3 people about, to venture into the world of telling people about yourself. I started a new uni semester and in a tutorial, the teacher handed out cards. We were to use it as a placard to write our names on it so the teacher would learn our names over the next few classes. And, if we chose...our pronouns.

I stared at that card for what felt like a million years. This has always been an ordeal. People don't know how to pronounce my name, even though it's a rather simple one. But pronouns? I'd never really told anyone those. Online, yes, and once when I was asked by a friend i was brave enough to say "any will do" but this - this wasn't the curated safe online space, this wasn't a one-time phrase to a friend. This was an open, permanent thing that would sit below me every class, declaring me to 18 other people. I wrote down "NATALYA", then beneath "she/". And then I stared some more. I felt like I was going to die. I felt like I was the biggest fool, because before I could stop myself I wrote "she/they". No "he", not yet. But...it was there.

At the end of the class the teacher collected the placards. I wanted to run back screaming, wanted to ask her for a new card so I could be safe again. But I didn't because I would look like a freak and a coward.

I still think it's stupid. I still think I've put some petty gesture that no one will ever respect (if they can call you she they won't ever call you they) above my own safety. The thing that really struck me was that it didn't feel good. The reason I wrote it like that, I believe in hindsight, is that I was curious what those other kids feel like, because it must feel good to declare that you're a tr*nny d*ke in front of the entire class, good enough to beat the stomach-lurching dread that precedes such an action. But it didn't. It just felt like an unnecessary risk. And it made me feel worse, like there was a target on the back of my head.

I think I could talk about this forever, about how so many kids believe coming out is this thing you're required to do to be a good gay, but it's not. It's stupid stupid reckless, and in my case it ends with you getting fucked over.

But Ive written for ages and gotten prosaic halfway through so I'm gonna shut up. Basically why the fuck do you guys come out to everyone like please stay safe instead of this it isn't worth it.

[dismas-dumbass]

Mom says that a house is like a body. And every house has eyes and bones and skin. A face. This room is like the heart of the house. No, not a heart, a stomach.

-The Haunting of Hill House

Hackett Siblings wanted for some absolutely chaotic drama!

CW: suicide, ptsd, mental trauma, death, substance abuse

henlo, welcome to the ad where i lose my shit cause i’ve lost control of my life. anyway! i have the idea for a rather messed up group of siblings slightly based off the Haunting of Hill House show. The basics are that there’s a large house, there’s a large family, something reaaaallyy rreeaally bad happens to the family when the kids are young that have fucked them up for the rest of their lives, fun stuff like that! obviously the situation is more subtle/personal rather than what goes on in the show [i’ll try to be vague due to spoilers] but i think it’s still something that can be rather creepy~ pretty much 95% of the info presented in this version of the ad is rather flexible and flimsy and i definitely don’t mind working with y’all to make it something amazing!! also, no knowledge of the show is needed whatsoever but just be a tiny bit careful if you do wanna see it/don’t like being spoiled mostly just due to the fact that with the themes that will be in the ad the show will probably be discussed as well!

a loooootttt of the details aren’t set in stone btw! i’m pretty much outlining my thoughts and the general concept but things may/will change and things will be added/subtracted as more people contribute to the idea!

if you have any questions or even if this strikes your fancy you can contact me on discord [mine’s dismas#9766]! if there’s more than one of ya then we can get a group chat going so that way we can see what ideas we all have for this! i can’t wait to write with y’all! <3

Backstory

alright, so the gist is that the Hackett family used to live in a rather big and fancy house. why they were there is up in the air so here’s a few suggestions: A. like the show, their parents were fixing it up. now, whether that means they’re going to sell it right after or live in it is open since both angles are rather interesting! B. they inherited it. from who? who knows! could be a relative that one of the parents knew, could have been random. it’s just a harmless house right? it might be good for the family! C. they just moved there. weird house for a good price? why not! it might be fun! 

whatever the reason, the siblings were in the house for some time. whether they’re natives to Dyrne or outsiders is open since all of the concepts can cover those possibilities easily! there’s no strict timeline yet as to how old they were when they were in that house but more than likely the youngest [twin] siblings were no younger than 6 so make of that what you will with the age ranges~ i would say that they were in that house for about a year or so? technically not too long in their lives but enough to cause lifelong damage?

their parents were good people. they had their flaws obviously and raising literally seven kids was an undertaking but they managed fine enough. mostly through the power of having the older siblings taking care of the younger. but even then they were loving parents. their father was a bit of a mess but well-meaning [think: one of the little siblings learned a swear word from an older one and their father tries to track them down, shouting throughout the house ‘get your ass in here now or else you’re grounded!’] and their mother was more organized yet didn’t hesitate to create a tiny bit of harmless chaos every once in a while. they loved each other, they loved their kids.

now, obviously, there’s the subject of the house itself. what’s the history behind it? that’s definitely left open due to the very reason why they’re there. but there’s probably something wrong with the house. physically? spiritually? mentally? whoever walks those halls won’t exactly be coming back out the same, that’s for sure. And that’s sort of what happened. the official story was that the Hackett family lived in the house for year, doing whatever, and then a fire broke out which caused the death of their mother. the rest of the family was able to escape and the father gave the testimony that it was an electrical fire -when investigated, he was proven innocent of any wrongdoing.

so what’s the actual story? It’s a bit of a mish mash of weird memories, mostly. it’s not really known whether the house is actually alive alive or if its history is just a horrible set of coincidences of bad stuff happening to people. the actual night was a blur to the siblings, all of them being ushered out of the house by their frantic father and herded into the car. when they asked where their mother was their father didn’t answer so they were just left crying after their missing mother. they didn’t even know that there was a fire even though maybe one of them said that they smelled smoke. they didn’t find out until one of the officers at the scene talked about it. for whatever reason, each and every one of them were silent on why they were brought out of the house by their father.

it’s still something they don’t know about.

to be fair, it was almost a partial relief to be out of the house. as i mentioned with the family they were held together well enough and were loving but things started to change when they moved to that house. slowly, surely, they started to encounter strange happenings, feel strange things, and started to view each other differently. what exactly happened to each family member is left open since they mostly don’t speak of their experiences except for the youngest. even their father, who may have experienced quite a lot, was tight-lipped about what happened to him, especially on the night of the fire. the experiences changed them, messed with them, and caused them to splinter and falter and break. after the death of their mother there was obviously quite a few years before everyone split up but they eventually did, going off to do their own things with their own scars hidden beneath their lies. some moved away, some stayed, but they still stayed in touch in some fashion. just not enough to be considered personal anymore.

what brought them all back together was the death of their father not too long ago. The poor man must have been consumed by guilt of some sort and took his own life, leaving his children behind to deal with the aftermath. they still never got any secrets from him nor any answers so all that’s there are feelings of confusion and loss. where the story begins is the revealed news that all the siblings are going to be living under one roof -in that house. the youngest daughter, for whatever reason, decided to purchase their childhood home back and has been in the process of restoring it. the reason why each sibling decides to go along with this is up in the air but the end result is the same: all seven siblings, plus any other family they may have, are now living in that house again.

Siblings

all the siblings except the one i’ll be playing are not set in stone! i’m going for a redheaded family sort of feel so the face claims i’ve put for each of them are something that i prefer but! tbh i’m super flexible and and at the end of the day it’s not a dealbreaker to choose someone else~ since i don’t wanna restrict folk’s fun over a fc choice! overall the sibling's interactions between each other are not that amicable -some may try to cooperate but old wounds come up and oftentimes a fight arises. they still have their weird traditions such as drawing straws if they need to do something and nobody wants to or they all fall silent at the same time [not often, obv., since they're mostly shouting over each other] that cause people on the outside to look at them strangely. at the end of the day, they can't escape the fact that they are siblings and are from the same disturbed family.

beliefs as well are varied and open! none say that they believe their youngest brother whenever he tries to convince them of what happened at the house though whether or not they believe that inside their heads is another matter entirely~

also! don’t feel as though you have to base your characters off any from the show! it’s just a nice start-off point and if you’re inspired but it’s definitely not a requirement whatsoever!

tbh a lot of the siblings aren’t fleshed out a lot & what happened to them in the house is also open so feel free to go wild!! i mean it; you can add as much as you want so that you can create a character that you’ll love to write for!

Eldest Son- 51. Toby Stephens.

being the eldest, he was the one to usually look after the younger children if their parents needed to do something. he built up a sort of protector complex where he has to make sure that he knows where all the other siblings are at all times. he fails constantly, of course, since he can’t even manage to have one of them listen to him. still, he feels responsible for all of his other siblings and takes it personally when he can’t get something done for them. he has his flaws, obviously, in that he tries to say that his way is the right way and can be as stubborn as an ox so despite his best intentions he clashes with some of the other siblings. this may be why none of them tend to listen to him.

Second Son- 50. Tony Curran.

He is one of the quieter siblings, preferring to be by himself when not needed. It isn’t that he dislikes his siblings; he just likes to be alone rather than among them. he’s kind and thoughtful so whenever one of the others needs help he’ll try to be there but besides that don’t count on him being somewhere on his own. Actually, it may be difficult to count on him in general because he loses track of time often and before he knows it he’s two hours late to moving some furniture for someone. this is probably the reason why he tends to be by himself -he doesn’t seem to grasp the passage of time as others have.

Eldest Daughter- 47. Sarah Rafferty.

she’s cruel. not absolutely cruel but cruel enough. she likes to poke and prod her siblings and see what sets them off. she thinks it’s funny and likes to observe the aftermath of her machinations. she likes to claim that she’s just bored but in reality she’s absolutely insecure herself and wants to bring others down to feel better about herself. don’t tell this to her face because she will absolutely try to turn it back on you and make you out to be the bad guy while she is the victim. also, don’t try to get revenge -she’ll just be more inclined to do something worse to you.

Second Daughter- 46. Amy Adams.

she’s neutral towards, well, everything. she kind of just exists and she doesn’t like that. not a lot of passion, not a lot of purpose. maybe she tries something daring once in a while to feel something but comes up short. it’s difficult for her to emotionally connect with others in a deep way and oftentimes she finds herself alone. she doesn’t like being alone, though, since being alone means she’ll be alone with her thoughts and she hates that. If she can even feel that properly, anyway. she’s not emotionless in the sense that she is sociopathic but her difficulty feeling things has caused her to have a sarcastic and thorny exterior towards anyone she meets, fueling her involuntary self-isolation.

Third Daughter- 43. Jessica Chastain. Reserved for spooky spice

she's the face of the family. the most energetic. the most chaotic. the one to threaten to break someone's kneecaps if they dare harm her siblings. she'll give a show-stopping smile and then tell you to eat shit afterwards. due to the minimal age difference she always had to watch the twins and therefore she is close to them, especially Thomas. some joke that she's actually Thomas' twin -she can sort of just sense whenever the youngest Hackett is in trouble. she's not happy about anything seeming messy, of course, so she spares no second to chastise anyone [including Thomas] about what they have done wrong. her status among stardom cannot afford any blemishes so catch her changing the subject whenever an interviewer brings up the fact that her younger brother is a drug addict. trust her, she knows. she knows all too well. and maybe her motivation for buying up the Hackett siblings' childhood house was to try to get Thomas some actual help after he failed out of rehab for the umpteenth time. their father's suicide may have just reinforced her decision to go forward with this.

Twin One- 42. Michael Fassbender.

maybe he’s one of the most normal. maybe’s he’s the most normal. maybe he has to be -his twin is an absolute trainwreck of a human being and his family is an equal amount of mess. maybe he’s just good at saving face and hiding the damage caused by the house [and maybe by his siblings]. some days, he sort of forgets that he’s a twin and that said twin is a drug addict. when they were young they were close though he would often play kind of cruel tricks on his younger twin such as locking the door to the basement after daring Thomas to go down the stairs, leaving him in a room alone with the lights off, and things like that. he grew out of it, matured, and tries to ignore the fact that he may or may not have been part of the reason why Thomas is the way he is now. he's too focused on being a professor at the college to fully see the cries of help his younger twin is showing.

Twin Two Thomas Hackett- 42. Michael Fassbender. Taken by Dismas.

so you’re asking me if i have a problem. i probably do. the youngest of the Hackett family; he’s probably one of the most heavily affected by the events at the house. for those familiar with the show think a combination of inspiration between Luke and Eleanor Crain, but also with even more issues maybe as well as none of the siblings being on his side whatsoever on anything. he had quite a few strange encounters ranging anywhere from encountering something in the basement when he was locked in one time by his twin to being trapped in a room with so much noise that he passed out for hours. now, figure, he’s a young kid when all of this happened [probably around 6 or so, could be a tiny bit older] so he doesn’t know how to deal with any of this. this really fucks him up. on top of that, whenever he told his family, none of them ever believed, further fueling the feeling of being unwanted. he was probably the closest one to their mother, being the youngest and the most vulnerable of the children, so he was absolutely devastated when she perished in the fire that fateful night. he blamed his father, thinking that he did something to her and tried to hide it with said fire. he never stopped believing in that, nor in the experiences he had in the house, and it pretty much ate at his soul. not only that but nobody still believed him so he always felt useless. he developed a bitter and angry attitude to try to hide this but the wounds were never able to be covered for long and so he eventually turned to drugs to soothe his pain. obviously, it never fully did so he just fell deeper into the rabbit hole. he dropped out of high school and started to do all sorts of jobs and favors in order to get his next fix, oftentimes winding up being arrested for petty crimes. he earned a bad reputation around town and the only reason why he didn’t face too much jail time is due to one of his siblings always bailing him out. wash, rinse, and repeat.

nowadays he goes between being sort of okay and having his own place to being absolutely drugged out of his mind and having to crash at a sibling’s place if they’re local -mostly his twin or the youngest daughter of the family. he’s failed out of rehab recently which may have been one of the reasons why the youngest daughter decided to purchase and fix up their childhood home; so that he can have a stable over his head for once and maybe recover from his habits. little does she know, or maybe care, that the house was the reason for his down spiral in the first place so he is not thrilled whatsoever to be stuck in the same building with all the same people who did not believe him. he hates it here.

Other Ideas

this is pretty much going to be only the possible family of the siblings woops but with the house being rather large there’s a ton of room for more than just the siblings themselves and more than likely some of the other siblings are going to be in some sort of relationship unlike Thomas. now, of course, maybe not all of the spouses/partners/children live in the house after all but then again they might! i have a few small ideas:

the loyal partner- this partner is loyal to the sibling they’re married to/with, always making sure they’re alright and making sure the sibling is well taken care of. maybe even spoil/indulge a little too much the whims of the sibling. they may seem a little more oblivious to the chaotic dynamics of the siblings and the strangeness of the house. they just think that everyone needs to get along and everything will be okay! except it’s never that easy and they probably just look foolish for suggesting that.

the angry partner- they hate it in the house. all the fighting and the tension and the drama; they think it’s a bunch of bullshit. they especially think all the spooky~ stuff that apparently happened in the house is all bullshit too and won’t hesitate to call anyone out if the supernatural is even entertained. they just want to live their life in relative peace with the sibling they’re with 

the mediator partner- they may not necessarily believe in the unbelievable -in fact, their career hinges on finding out why people process stuff the way they do [ex. a therapist or psychologist]- but they still try to see all angles. they’re typically the one trying to quell the arguments between siblings and trying to see why the siblings feel the way they do about things (and about each other). they’re curious, however, about the house itself and may start poking around in the wrong places to try to discover the truth.

[one tiny suggestion! perhaps the mediator partner is married to Thomas’ twin brother and they have a kid with the face claim of Reece King? ;^; he has slightly similar facial features to Michael Fassbender + i think it’d be sweet if the partner tries to see why Thomas is fucked up the way he is and maybe even begins to sympathize/believe him after they start to figure stuff out?]

Plots

alright! so the obvious plots are going to be the interactions between siblings~ their personalities may give a hint to who they do or don’t get along with but in all honesty they all have bad enough blood with each other to have issues one way or another. so! drama! one of those ‘if you leave them in a room for long enough they’ll find something to fight about’ type of things! they do love each other -really, they do- but their experiences in the house changed them forever and there’s no gaining that back. they can only move forward.

they’re already living in the house for a short period of time [maaaybbe a month? a few weeks?] so they’re all settled in and dealing with the presence of each other and it’s not going exactly swimmingly for obvious reasons. maybe some try to cooperate with each other? others not so much. there’s plenty of fighting and slamming doors and shouting and leaving the area/the house to cool off. on more than one occasion Thomas has already stated that he’s leaving for good and going out on his own. he never follows through with the threat -he can’t. he’s as tied to the house as everyone else is and now he can’t escape. but you get the gist. it’s going to take a while for them to see eye to eye with each other. if they ever do, anyway.

future plots to explore are, of course, up in the air but they can deal with the siblings learning more about each other, learning more about their parents, and learning more about the house. and, of course, learning more about their town as well! Whether things start to get better or if they down spiral even further is going to be rather interesting to see~

for initial threads it could be fun [in a morbid sense] to do a past one where they’re attending their father’s funeral since that was kind of actually a shitshow. imagine all the siblings, with their awful traits, having to deal with the death of their parent and just in terrible pain. so, what else to do than to cause issues with each other and create quite a few commotions? obv. when the sibling’s personalities are solidified we can discuss this further! overall the first types of posts will be their interactions with the site plots, the town itself, and between them when they’re at the house so there’s plenty of room for drama!

[juliarrp]

character name: Julia Rhodes age & birthday: 36, 14th December 1985 gender & pronouns: Cis female, She/her place of birth & time in Asteria: New York City, on and off her whole life District: Downtown occupation: Musical Theatre Performer / Musical Theatre audition tutor faceclaim: Michelle Dockery

BIOGRAPHY

TWs: Abortion, alcoholic, anxiety, hospital

secret: Julia had an abortion at the age of 22 without telling anyone else in her life. At all.

PAST

The oldest of the Rhodes children Julia was never far from her mother and father, especially since she was homeschool from the very beginning. Mostly in broadway theatre dressing rooms, a curious child she was never too busy to go scampering around backstage and dressing rooms to see what was going on. Everything about musicals were magical to her, the lights, the sounds, the costumes, as soon as she was offered the chance to come out on stage there was no turning back. The stars were evident in her eyes to her mother as well as everyone else in the company because the girl seemed to light up on a whole new level when she was allowed to be involved in anything performance related. Be it bringing flowers out to her mother at the end of a shows run, sitting doing her math homework in her mother’s dressing room with her siblings when they came along, or getting to play small children’s roles actually in the show she was in her total element.

When the twins came along the girl was excited to have her own real life dolls to play with, and the same went for her third sister Olivia. She happily took on the role of keeping them in line backstage while their mom was performing so naturally she was close to all three of them in various ways, but none more than Olivia who was always her special little friend from the word go. Despite the two of them being very different in that one wanted the limelight and the other wanted nothing more than to shrink into the shadows, they were often found wandering the rabbit warren of theatre hallways together hand in hand. Family life was happy for the Rhodes as far as their oldest daughter could tell because she wanted to see the good in everything. Her mother had taught her that, their very close bond had allowed Julia to nurture her natural born confidence and positivity. How could she not be a positive person when she was constantly surrounded by the magic of musical theatre? At least that was how she saw it. She didn’t notice her mother’s struggle with alcohol or the way it effected their father, because all she saw was the loving family she adored.

When she was fourteen was when Julia got her first taste of real genuine terror. Up until then she’d had fears just like everyone else but the gut wrenching terror that only comes from real trauma had never really been present. Anything that she struggled with could be figured out when all the Rhodes put their heads together no matter how complex, but that wasn’t the case when Ashton was born. The oldest child didn’t second guess her intuition to step into the role of parent when her mom and dad were in hospital following her younger brother’s birth, protecting her little sisters to make sure they had everything they needed to shield them from the fear she felt at the prospect of losing their mother. The days the matriarch spent in a coma were the most dreadful of her daughter’s life. No idea if the next phone call would be with the worst news she began to get a crippling fear in the pit of her stomach every time her father’s name popped up on the caller ID and although she never told anyone this, it is an anxiety that has never really left her. Even now, twenty two years later, when her dad’s name flashes onto the screen that same sensation of fear rips through her chest instinctively. It is something that weighs her down with a considerable amount of guilt.

At the age of 22 in the midst of her parents struggling through her mother’s alcohol problem and the rift that was tearing their marriage apart Julia landed her first Broadway leading role. She had been in the chorus and supporting roles up until then, but this was the first time she was going to get to front a show all of her own. Spring Awakening. Landing the role of Wendla Bergmann was the most exciting day of the girls life, made even better when she found out the theatre it would be located at was only a few blocks away from the one her mother would also be performing in. She lived in New York with her younger sister Olivia in an apartment they both loved. Everything was working out perfectly. Too perfectly. As the result of a one night stand after a cast night out Julia found out she was pregnant by one of her fellow cast members. Terrified to tell anyone, her family included, and worried it would derail her career if she carried on with the pregnancy the girl secretly had it terminated only a week before the curtain came up on opening night. Ironically considering her character in the show passed away in act two from an unlawful and unsafe abortion. Julia always knew she wanted to be a mother thanks to her big family, but this was just the wrong time for it, so she chose her career. It was incredibly traumatic for her to go through alone and even years later she will wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat over what she did. If she made the right decision or not.

Julia went on to play the lead in many more musicals since then which should have been testament to her making the right choice back then, but she doesn’t always see it that way. Her still ever present maternal instinct with her siblings makes her wonder what her own child would have been like. Maybe it would have been easier to put that choice behind her if she hadn’t had a medical issue not long after she turned 30, a cyst on her ovary that lead to it having to be removed. It didn’t leave her unable to have her own children, but it did make it probable that in the future she would find it much harder to conceive naturally, especially as she grew older.

PRESENT

Still a presence on the Broadway stages Julia spends her time between shows in Asteria tutoring children and teens for Musical Theatre auditions. Operating out of a rehearsal room in Olivia’s studio it’s still kept very much in the family and barely a day goes by when she doesn’t see at least one or more of them. On the whole their relationship is good but there is a small amount of bitterness harboured by her for the way she had to constantly be driving from New York to Asteria in order to check on her younger brother when their mom was going through particularly bad bouts of alcoholism. Having to split her brain and time between performing as well as propping up her family in some ways, so she never fully got to immerse herself into broadway.

Living in a small but impeccably decorated apartment Downtown the woman now splits her time between the city and her hometown in a more permanent fashion, tending to spend half the year in each place. Acutely aware of how the years are passing for her and her younger siblings have been settling down she has started to think it might be getting to the right time for her to take a break from performing and settle down to have a family of her own.

She tends to take on more than she can actually handle, a sense of duty towards supporting everyone around her, it can drive her to exhaustion when she isn’t careful. Depriving herself of what she needs in order to provide it for other people to a fault. If it wasn’t for her painfully present awareness of her mother’s issues with alcohol she might drink to comfort herself, but it’s a vice she refuses to allow herself to take on, not anymore. It has caused her too many problems in the past as is without her bringing into her life in a bigger way. Still when she gets to a level of stress she is finding hard to contain the girl can completely lose her appetite, going days without eating a substantial meal. Unless she is caught by one of her family members who have caught onto the warning signs by this point, and will try to drag her back from it. About five years ago Julia was put on medication for her increasing anxiety and trouble sleeping, some she has to take everyday and some she only takes when panic attacks flair up. Funnily enough when she is performing is the time she tends to feel the most calm.

Wanted plots & Headcanons (if any)

Her ‘vocal’ fc is Christy Altomare, that is what she sounds like when she sings.

When Julia has too much caffeine she gets the shakes, and she often has too much, it can trigger her anxiety. Especially if she drinks it on an empty stomach.

The girl really looks up to her mother, she has since she was a little girl, wanting to be just like her (in most ways….)

Has an impatient side to her, she gets frustrated over things easily, especially if she finds something she can’t do easily. She’s always hated jigsaw puzzles because of this - she said they make her head hurt.

The first show she was ever in the chorus for was 42nd Street when she was sixteen years old.

Her most recent leading role was Anastasia on Broadway.

[necrmnce]

〔 DANIELLE ROSE RUSSELL, 20, CIS FEMALE, NECROMANCY 〕╰  BROOKLYN FORDE  just  came  over  half - blood  hill .  you  know ,  the  child  of  HECATE  who  was  claimed four years  ago ?  i've  heard  chiron  say  that  she  is  CONFIDENT & PERCEPTIVE ,  but  if  you  ask  the  aphrodite  kids ,  they'd  say  they're  BLUNT & CATTY .  i'd  say  they  remind  me  of  ripped jeans, collapsing into your bed after a long day, hanging polaroids along the wall, and staying up to watch the sunrise,  especially  since  they're  NEUTRAL .  (  ✎  adri ,  20 ,  she/her ,  cst .  )

do  i  feel  like  being  alone  or  with  all  of  my  friends ?  fuck ,  i  don't  know  if  I  should  stay   or  if  I should go 

NAME — brooklyn  andrea  forde.

NICKNAMES —  brook , b .

PRONOUNS — she / her.

AGE & DOB — 20  &  august 11th , 1999.

PLACE OF BIRTH — norfolk ,  virginia .

NATIONALITY — american.

GODLY PARENT —  hecate .

ABILITIES — necromancy ,  mist manipulation , spell casting .

* background overview !

her  father ,  mitchell  forde ,  is  a  chef  in  norfolk ,  virginia .  his  dad  is  from  memphis ,  tennessee  and  his  mom  is  from  new  orleans ,  louisiana .  growing  up  was  just  her  and  her  father  though ,  but  that  was  all  they  really  needed . 

nine  times  out  of  ten  she  would  be  with  her  dad  at  his  restaurant .  at  first  she  would  be  perched  in  a  booth  at  the  back ,  coloring  or  handing  other  waitstaff  the  silverware  they  were  wrapping ,  but  eventually  moved  up  to  sitting  at  the  counter  and  sometimes  helping  with  drink  orders .  the  time  she  spent  with  her  dad  in  between  stays  at  camp  half - blood ,  she’d  make  herself  useful  and  wait  tables  or  help  in  the  kitchen ,  which  she  actually  enjoyed  doing  as  long  as  she  was  with  her  dad . 

some  of  her  favorite  memories  are  the  days  they’d  have  off  from  the  restaurant  and  he’d  take  them  down  to  virginia  beach .  they’d  spend  the  entire  day  there  and  if  she  timed  it  just  right ,  he’d  tell  her  stories  about  her  mom  as  the  moon  met  the  waters  horizon .

she’s  been  in  several  schools  between  norfolk ,  chesapeake ,  and  virginia  beach ,  somehow  finding  ways  to  get  expelled  or  suspended  like  breaking  a  sink  and  blasting  the  library  with  water  or  severely  denting  the  lockers  with  someone  she  pushed . 

she  always  felt  like  something  about  her  was  different ,  like  being  able  to  heal  butterflies  because  she  was  so  distraught  by  them  being  hurt ,  or  bringing  flowers  back  from  the  brink  of  death  by  talking  to  them .  she  never  told  her  dad  about  these  things ,  afraid  he’d  make  it  seem  like  it  was  just  all  made  up  in  her  head ,  but  when  she  was  eleven ,  she  could  apparently  see the  ghost  of  someone  who  wasn’t  actually there ,  he  decided  to  take  her  to  camp  half - blood . 

she  actually  took  the  transition  really  well ,  except  for  the  fact  that  she  hadn’t  been  claimed ,  which  put  her  in  a  position  where  she  still  didn’t  know  what  any  of  her  powers  and  abilities  meant  or  actually  were  despite  speculation . 

that  being  said ...  she  went  on  a  quest  when  she  was  about  fifteen ,  and  one  of  the  members  didn’t  make  it  back .  she’s  carried  that  guilt  with  her  ever  since  then ,  developing  a  bit  of  a  hero  complex  where  she  feels  the  need  to  protect  everyone  so  it  never  happens  again .

she  was  claimed  on  her  sixteenth  birthday  when  she  essentially broke  the  big  house  and  she  assumes  that  was  finally  enough  for  hecate  to  claim  her .  she  couldn’t  stay  mad  for  long ,  considering  she  was  actually  given  a  gift  from  her  mom  and  could  finally  learn  how  to  use  her  powers .

fought  on  the  side  of  the  gods  during  the  battle  of  manhattan ,  is  pretty  salty  that  others  joined  the  titans ,  especially  if  they  harmed  other  demigods . 

* personality !

okay  so ,,, ana  called  her  “ chaotic  baby ,  but  still  baby ”  and  that’s  the  best  description  of  her  ever .

back  home ,  she  was  raised  to  be  a  good  person ,  she  had  a  really  loving  home  that  she’s  thankful  for .  her  biggest  desire  is  just  to  make  her  dad  proud ,  so  she’s  not  really  sure  what  she  wants  to  do  as  an  end  game .

for  years  she  was  the  one  of  the  most  helpful  campers ,  making  sure  that  every  person  knew  at  least  one  smiling  face  around  camp .  she  put  effort  into  almost  everything ,  absolutely  loving  it  because  she  finally  felt  like  she  belonged .  

after  her  quest  with  andromeda  presley ,  that  completely  changed .  she  withdrew  from  nearly  everyone  that  would  let  her ,  spending  even  more  of  her  time  training  and  trying  to  figure  out  what  the  hell  she  could  do ,  even  going  to  the  athena  kids  to  see  if  they  had  any  ideas . 

she  really  shut  everyone  out ,  and  wasn’t  afraid  to  step  on  toes  to  do  it .  the  blame  she  put  on  herself  causing  her  to  constantly  carry  that  weight  and  shorten  her  temper .  it  took  way  less  to  get  her  to  snap  than  it  ever  did  before . 

despite  this ,  brooklyn  will  crack  if  you  really  try .  she  loves  the  people  that  have  stuck  by  her  side  endlessly  and  would  do  anything  for  them .  if  you  somehow  manage  to  get  this  far ,  it’s  like  nothing  ever  happened . 

* headcanons !

so  i  know  for  a  fact  that  her  favorite  song  is  golden  by  harry  styles 

but  she’s  usually  listening  to  fall  out  boy  or  missio  if  she’s  training  ,  she  listens  to  softer  stuff  when  she’s  alone  in  her  room . 

she  doesn’t  like  mentioning  she  has  necromancy  to  most  people ,  because  she  is  not  down  to  be  someone’s  messenger  to  lost  loved  ones . 

she  never  slept  where  she  was  supposed  to  when  she  was  still  in  her  hermes  cabin .  she’d  grab  her  blanket  and  pillow  and  go  out  to  fireworks  beach ,  or  find  a  spot  on  some  cabins  roof  that  had  a view  of  the  sunrise ,  or  sneak  into  the  big  house  to  sleep  on  the  couches  there .  

if  you  come  up  to  her  nicely ,  she’ll  pretty  much  do  anything  you  ask  her .  is  BIG  on  matching  someone’s  energy . 

always  has  on  some  kind  of  heel  because  she  doesn’t  enjoy  having  to  look  up  at  people  all  the  time .  

* aesthetics !

ripped  jeans ,  collapsing  into  your  bed  after  a  long  day ,  hanging  polaroids  along  the  wall ,  and  staying  up  to  watch  the  sunrise ,  candle  lights ,  chocolate  milkshakes ,  high - waisted  jeans ,  standing  on  the  beach  in  the  middle  of  the  night ,  old  leather  jackets ,  journals  filled  with  scratched  out  and  scribbled  sentences ,  restless  nights ,  plants  sitting  on  a  windowsill ,  the  smell  of  rain  in  the  air ,  old  fashioned  rings .

* wanted plots !

i’m the worst at coming up with things but,,,,, here’s a few

general  friends :  some  she’s  managed  to  keep  or  even  make  in  the  last  five  years  or  so .

best  friends :  someone  that’s  been  by  her  side  for  years ,  someone  she’d  literally  trust  with  her  whole  life .

ride  or  dies / other  quest  partners :  honestly  what  it  says ,  maybe  like  two  or  three  of  them  that  have  been  through  the  thick  and  thin  of  it  but  still  have  a  really  strong  friendship  in  the  end ?

confidant :  honestly ,  probably  someone  she’s  close  with ,  but  doesn’t  see  on  a  regular  basis ?  maybe  they  just  train  together  from  time  to  time  to  blow  off  steam ? 

exes  ( good ,  bad ,  anything  in  between ) :  you  know  the  drill ,  hit  me  with  the  good  angst . ( male ,  female ,  nb )

hook  ups :  you  also  know  this  drill ,  sometimes  you  gotta  blow  off  steam .  ( male ,  female ,  nb )

i have another idea based off this song ! but  we  can  discuss  it  more  in  detail  if  you’re  interested .