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eunseoksimp · 18 days

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Omg i am the one who requested a part 2 for the "love me , love me not " and i was told to suggest my ideas through the inbox, I wasn’t even sure where to do that soo yeah.. if this is the right section I’m glad. First of all ,your writing always makes me soo mad (in a good way) and makes me want to beg for more, even though I love your writing and would prefer the story you could come up with you kindly ask for my suggestions so hear me out, Eun Seok is kinda of obsessed with Yumi even though he has a girlfriend and their relationship was steady and better this time so he starts spending all of his time with his gf which make yumi feel insecure, hurt and everything (you named it) so she starts to distance herself from him which leads to his mental break down. Also, make her hate him a little bit and make it very toxic.. Kinda. This is all no pressure 💕 like I said it was too good in my head

thank you so much, for liking my work and also sending me this request. i initially had no intentions of writing a part 2, but your ideas definitely helped me.

i got extremely carried away (over 6k words is crazy), and i wrote a lot of this at work, so i hope you enjoy :)

Toxic!Eunseok x Yumi

Warnings: extreme manipulation and gaslighting, mentions of depression and substance abuse, suggestive content, basically eunseok just being the worst person ever.

read part one for some background on their dynamics here.

. ݁ ˖ ࣪ . ⋆ * .♡ *:･ﾟ. ݁ ˖ ࣪ . ⋆ * .♡ *:･ﾟ. ݁ ˖ ࣪ .

‘i’m sorry yumi, you know i love you.’

she’d heard this all before, eunseok pleading for her mercy, telling her that he loved her and not to get mad at him. and of course she would easily find herself forgiving him, melting into his touch as she told him not to worry. tonight was the same.

eunseok was supposed to take yumi out the day before, to celebrate the one year since they began their own messed up version of a relationship. only, that didn’t happen because he instead rushed over to his actual girlfriend’s side for her art exhibition.

he was so caught up in showing up for her, that he forgot to at least inform yumi. she spent two hours, doing her makeup till she was sure her face was perfect, curling her hair and ignoring the times she burnt her neck with the barrel. she had put much thought into her outfit, mulling over the better option for what felt like 30 minutes.

then she waited, excitement flaring up inside of her as she anticipated his arrival. even as the time ticked away, getting closer and closer to the time of their booking she still waited.

she sat upright in her living room, not wanting to rumple her clothes, ignoring the growling noises being emitted from her stomach because she didn’t want to ruin her makeup.

‘i’m sure it’s just traffic. maybe he got caught up in something. maybe this is all part of his big surprise.’

she comforted herself with these possible scenarios, trusting that eunseok would come to her eventually, like he always did.

only this time was different. she sat on standby until the clock struck midnight, their anniversary passing her by in a flash.

it was only then that it became obvious that maybe, for once, he wasn’t coming today.

she sighed, ridding herself of her jacket first, and untying the ribbons weaving up her calves to free herself from her heels, kicking them across the room.

at a slow pace, she began to undo her hard work, messing up her hair, wiping off her makeup, getting changed back into her pyjamas. every two minutes she would tap her phone screen, expecting a call or a text from eunseok. but there was nothing.

and even though she felt hurt, even though there were tears pricking the corner of her eyes, her lip quivering, all she could think was, ‘i hope he’s okay.’

the next day rolled over, and yumi didn’t get much sleep, in the event that eunseok would call her, explaining the whole situation to her, telling her how he wished to be there with her, how mad he was that he didn’t get to see her yesterday.

but it was radio silent. she had made up her mind that if he didn’t communicate with her by midday, she would go over to his house to see him. she knew that he might not be pleased, seeing as he always told her to never show up to his place unannounced.

but she was sure he would understand, that she was just worried, and maybe he would feel her sincerity. only to be met with a totally different reaction.

‘you shouldn’t be here,’ eunseok dragged yumi inside first, looking back to make sure no one saw her before following after.

‘i’ve told you not to-‘

‘come to your house unannounced. i know this eunseok,’ yumi would be lying if she said she wasn’t a little dejected at his response to seeing her. did he not miss her like she did?

‘then why did you come? you know how much i hate it,’ he looked agitated, hands in his pockets as he stared her down.

‘our anniversary. you didn’t show yesterday and i thought something happened,’ she couldn’t help the sob that escaped her lips at the end of her sentence, frustrated and angry at the fact that even though her feelings were hurt, eunseok’s were more of a priority.

at the sight of her face, and how close she looked to breaking down, eunseok began what he called damage control.

‘i’m sorry yumi, i had an emergency yesterday then my phone died. you know i would have loved to take you out,’ he lied, but she was none the wiser, sniffling as she aggressively wiped her tears away with the back of her hand.

‘i really wanted to see you.’

‘i’m sorry yumi, you know i love you,’ and with those simple words, he had her in the palm of his hands. she would go on and on about how much she loved him too, about how relieved she was that he was okay.

‘let’s go out today then, it can be a late anniversary celebration,’ yumi suggested, moving to wrap her arms around his waist. eunseok flinched, not unnoticed by her as she frowned, stepping back.

‘sorry it’s just… i’m supposed to go watch a movie with minjeong,’ he refused to look her in the eye, afraid of her reaction.

but before she could say anything, there was a brisk knock on the door before the sound of someone entering the passcode traveling all the way to the living room.

as quickly as he could he almost shoved yumi, rushing to the door, not even bothering to look back at her.

‘hey baby,’ he lifted her into his arms, spinning her around in the process as minjeong squealed, arms coming around his neck to steady herself.

when he eventually put her down, she grabbed him by the neck to give him a kiss. it was deep, and it lasted long enough for yumi to feel the ache in her heart intensify.

minjeong pulled away, pressing another quick kiss to his lips before her eyes finally settled on yumi, shuffling awkwardly on the spot, eyes darting around the room.

‘hi?’ she tilted her head, looking back at eunseok to explain who the mysterious girl was.

‘my love this is yumi, she’s my partner for the new project we have. she came over to get some materials,’ he waved yumi off like she was insignificant, his eyes set only on minjeong.

when had his love changed? since when was she reduced to just a classmate, someone not even worth a decent introduction.

it hurt, immensely, and the corner of yumi’s lips quivered as she tried desperately to hold her cries in, making her way out of the apartment.

she looked back one more time, eunseok not even concerned about her feelings, or at least subtly trying to make sure she was okay.

that evening the rain poured down heavily, the wind spraying every single drop in her direction.

she felt her clothes cling to her body, and the way her fingertips were slowly turning red, a sharp pain accompanying it.

she didn’t flinch when the car that sped past her had drove over a puddle, splashing her in the process and adding more to her pain.

‘he doesn’t love me anymore. eunseok doesn’t love me anymore,’ these were the only thoughts consuming her mind, as she walked in a zombie like state.

she felt numb, like she was floating and observing her lifeless body drag herself through the city, no destination in mind, legs walking on their own.

‘why doesn’t he love me?’ she was so preoccupied, trapped into her own mind that she didn’t notice the once green crossing signal turn red, or the sounds of the cars revving their engine.

she stepped into the middle of the road, mind still far away until she felt two strong arms pull her backwards, almost stumbling in the process.

for a split second she was hopeful, whipping around, praying that it would be eunseok behind her, telling her how worried he was, that all the things he did in front of her face was an act so minjeong wouldn’t get suspicious.

instead she was met with the face of a complete stranger, towering over her, his eyes raking over her now shaking figure, worried about her.

unable to hold it in any longer, she broke down in his arms, the grief crashing down onto her as she clung into him, choked sobs leaving her mouth.

although he didn’t know her, he felt sympathy, pulling her closer to him and he let her cry, offering gentle rubs on her back.

she cried and cried, until she was certain there was no more water left in her body to expel, and yumi felt weak, unable to move from this strangers embrace.

‘do you have your phone with you,’ he asked, still practically cradling her.

she shook her head, closing her eyes as she felt an impending headache.

‘how about remembering anyone’s phone number? someone who could come and help you? could you do that?’ he was ever so gentle with her, treading lightly due to her sensitive state.

he handed her his phone, watching as she put some numbers in his phone. he stayed with her as she explained to the other person on the line that she needed them to pick her up.

‘thank you,’ her voice was hoarse, and barely above a whisper as she gave him back his phone, but nonetheless she expressed her gratitude.

‘you’re welcome…’ his voice trailed off when he realised he didn’t know her name.

‘jung yumi, my name is yumi.’

‘nice to meet you yumi, i’m sungchan, same jung clan too,’ he smiled warmly down at her, and she managed to also reciprocate a weaker one.

‘then maybe fate brought us together.’

sungchan stayed with her until chaewon ran up towards them, hugging her tightly as she went on about how worried she was.

‘thank you so much for taking care of my yumi. lord knows what would have happened if you weren’t here,’ chaewon said to him as he helped her walk yumi to her car.

‘it was my pleasure. i couldn’t leave her all alone out here.’

he pitied the young girl, wondering what could have possibly occurred that could turn her into this state. but he knew better than to pry, especially when it seemed like she was still recovering.

so he did all he knew he could do to help, by helping yumi get into the car, waving off the two girls and waiting till they turned the corner till he made his own way back, wishing her the best.

but yumi on the other hand was broken. chaewon had taken her home, promising to stay over with her as they cuddled on the couch, indulging in sweet treats and mediocre romantic comedy films.

‘is it eunseok again?’ she asked after a while, her chin resting on her head as yumi snuggled further into her chest. she didn’t have to reply for chaewon to know that he was the cause of her agony, the silence filling in the gaps.

‘one day i’ll kill that man i swear, for hurting you.’

‘you can’t. i don’t think i know how to live in a world without him,’ yumi whispered, and chaewon just sighed. she was so irrationally in love with him, it would be hard for her to move on.

‘yes you can. you’ve done it before, and you’ll do it again. it’s time for you to let that bastard go.’

she said nothing else, allowing yumi to soak in her own thoughts, wanting her to build the conviction to free herself from his clutches and rediscover that her own happiness did not revolve around that boy.

even though she knew it might really be time to move on and leave him alone, that it wasn’t logical to cling onto someone who clearly didn’t love her back anymore, she still waited for a call or even just a text.

maybe he would come around and realise that he needed her just as much as she needed him. but days turned into two weeks, and she received no attempts of contact from eunseok.

wallowing in despair seemed to be the only thing she knew how to do, frequenting bars and the liquor store whilst she consumed unhealthy amounts of alcohol. the thought of food repulsed her, and she was unable to stomach anything, sticking to supplements and her sparse drinking of water.

she had become defunct, devoid of any signs of a real human being inhabiting her body. it was hard for chaewon to watch, and she became more and more distraught.

‘let’s just go to a cafe or something. it doesn’t have to be a big deal, grab a few drinks, talk, anything to get you out of the house,’ chaewon pleaded with her, willing to do anything to get her out of her funk and able to assimilate back into society.

‘i don’t feel like it chae, im tired.’

‘you haven’t left your room in three days, yumi i’m starting to get scared,’ she held her hand in hers, crouching down till they were eye level.

‘please just try, for me. i just want you to be ok.’

eventually she gave into the begging, allowing her to drag her every which way in her apartment, helping her wash her hair, picking out her outfit, even adding a little bit of makeup.

yumi couldn’t wait to be back in bed, but she bore with the pain for a little while, just to please chaewon. she took her to a cosy cafe, not too far from where she was that day when she had almost been in an accident.

‘welcome to sm cafe, can i-’ the server froze, pausing mid-sentence as yumi looked up from her phone to peer curiously, only for her eyes to widen in recognition.

‘sungchan? you work here’

he was pleasantly surprised to see her, given that he would find at random times during the day that his mind would flash back to thoughts of her, whether she was still as emotionally wrecked, or if she was able to eat or sleep well in her state.

he had caught himself a few times, finger hovering over chaewon’s unsaved number, debating whether he should call and find out, but he decided against it, convinced they would find him weird.

that was why even though he was supposed to be working, his eyes would often drift over to where they were sitting. he recognised the affliction swimming in her irises, and it let him know that she clearly hadn’t been doing well.

even know, her spoon stirred idly around her cup, forcing a smile on her face as she listened to what her friend was talking about.

they stayed for a little over two hours, before chaewon got a phone call about a late shift change that required her to be at work. she knew if she dropped yumi back home she would go back to bed rotting, so she came up with a plan.

‘you should treat sungchan to a drink, for saving you that day. it would do you some good to stay out a bit longer,’ and before yumi could protest she gave her a kiss on the head and dashed out. sungchan stood awkwardly at the foot of the table, not wanting to make her uncomfortable but eager to be able to spend some time with her.

‘i have a one hour break. i could sit with you if you didn’t mind,’ he offered, and although she would give anything to be snuggled up in bed, she didn’t want to appear rude to the stranger who kindly cared for her.

‘i don’t mind, you can sit down.’

it was uncomfortably silent for a couple of minutes, sungchan fiddling with the ring on his index finger. trying not to stare too hard, whilst yumi played with the bracelet on her wrist.

‘i should um- definitely saying thank you. you know for looking after me that day.’

‘it was my pleasure. i’m glad nothing bad happened to you,’ he answered, witness to how yumi’s facial expressions softened for a second and she bit her lip. like she was trying urgently not to cry in front of him again.

‘yumi, is everything alright?’ his tone was gentle, and the question transported her back to her first ever meeting with eunseok. unable to hold back any longer, a few tears slipped as she shook her head, taking sharp inhales.

‘i know i’m just a stranger, and i have no right to ask this of you. but please talk to me, i want to help in anyway that i can.’

so yumi explained everything from the beginning, from the party, to the class, and even the continuing of the relationship when she knew he had a girlfriend. she was nervous at first, expecting some kind of judgement, but his face remained the same and he listened intently, not once interrupting.

‘and he hasn’t called back since then?’ he asked, when she was done with telling her story.

‘no, and that’s what hurts the most. pathetic right?

‘you’re not. all i see is a girl in need of some love, who may have found it in the wrong place with the wrong person. you don’t deserve any of this,’ he comforted her, offering another tissue when he saw her eyes become wet with tears again.

‘i just don’t know what i’ve done wrong. why does no one love me?

‘that’s not true. i know for a fact chaewon loves you. it might be platonic but it’s a start.’

‘you’re deserving of love yumi, real love. the kind that is not afraid to take you by the hand and profess its feelings. the kind that wants to spend every waking minute with you, that yearns for you.’

‘it’s out there yumi, you just have to look in the right places,’ it had been so long since she had truly felt a glimmer of hope. that maybe her mother was wrong, that she wasn’t hard to love.

sungchan hardly knew her but he spoke with such conviction, it made her certain that what he was saying was true. with this new found mindset, she vowed to work on herself, on her weaknesses, and the part of her that still yearned for eunseok.

she quickly became friends with sungchan, who was always sweet to her. he took her out on impromptu park walks and star gazing and even lent his shoulder to cry on when things weren’t so great.

slowly but surely she was starting to accept a reality where eunseok was not the centre. she stayed away from alcohol and drugs, made sure she ate her food on time and felt herself coming back to life.

and when eunseok finally appeared in front of her for the first time in two months, her resolve was much firmer than it used to be.

‘you coming to watch my game?’ he slid into the seat next to her the first time she was finally able to attend their shared class, not even offering a greeting or an explanation for why his presence was scarce.

but that was no longer yumi’s problem, and she recounted the steps she had taught herself in her head, courtesy of sungchan. don’t look him in the eye, keep answers short, flee when the opportunity presents.

‘cant.’

‘why not,’ he frowned at her answer. she never missed any of his games. even when she had rained curses down on him, told him she hated him, or how she wanted him to get out of her life. it was hard for her to stay away.

‘do i have to tell you everything?’ she still wasn't looking at him, preparing herself to get up and leave any time soon and it drove him crazy. just as he was about to confront her another voice interrupted them.

‘hey yumi, i think i'm ready to go now.’

eunseok whipped his head around, desperate to know who the voice belonged to.

sungchan stood right behind him, a couple inches taller than him and his toned biceps on display every time he fixed his bag onto his shoulder.

"hey sungchan, i was just finishing this report," she smiled sweetly at him, closing her laptop before standing up and putting her things away.

so this was the reason why she couldn't come?

eunseok scoffed at her pathetic attempt to make him jealous. looking him up and down he let out a little laugh and the pair turned to him.

‘you're so cute yumi. i see what you’re trying to do.’

seeing sungchan's confused face made her want to get away quickly, scared of what eunseok could say. so she took his hand and led him out of the room, not sparing a glance to him, leaving a rather perplexed eunseok behind.

the past two months had been bliss. minjeong had given up her player ways, committing to him and it was all he could ask for. they went on frequent dates, slept with each other every other day, and it felt like their relationship had been revived.

the first couple of weeks he paid no mind when yumi abruptly stopped the calls and the texts. she was probably trying to pretend to punish him, to make him crawl back.

after all, everyone knew a piece of her heart would always belong to him.

he continued on with life, focusing more on his girlfriend, hinging on the fact that one day, very soon, she would reach out to him again. and when a month had passed he just assumed it was taking her a little longer to come around.

he expended all of his energy on minjeong, but was finding it harder to answer the question that constantly came to mind. why did his mind keep drifting towards yumi?

there was a small space in his heart carved for her, and even though he knew it was wrong he didn’t want to let either girl go. he finds himself being reminded of yumi everywhere he goes, to songs he listened to and even certain scents he caught a whiff of.

so how was it possible that she didn’t seem to care anymore? that she was able to so easily walk away from him without so much as a look back.

his stomach turned at the thought of her finally moving on, being happy with another guy would kill him. he would stop at nothing to get yumi back into his arms.

eunseok knew it was wrong, but he didn’t care, showing up to her house the next night with fake tears in his eyes, pretending that minjeong had left him, that he was broken and all alone. he knew she wouldn’t be able to resist him when he looked so sad, and sure enough she moved aside to let him in.

‘i can’t believe she did it again, she’s so good at hurting me,’ he buried his head in his hands, attempting to conceal his false emotions, he knew her weaknesses, and he played it to his advantage, letting her lift his head up with her own hands, and reassure him that everything would be fine.

‘you were the first person i thought of when this happened, i knew i had to come to you.’

the guilt tripping was professional, and he revelled in the sight of the walls she had put a lot of effort in putting up crumbling down before his very eyes, and he didn’t even have to do much.

‘i don’t trust myself to stay alone, could you let me stay here. please?’ he could see the internal struggle written all over her face, and he would be more than happy to tip her over the edge.

‘eunseok. you can’t,’ it took a great amount of effort for yumi to even say these words. normally she wouldn’t even think twice, opening her arms wide and letting him use her to relieve all the pain. but she had worked so hard with sungchan, who had told her he planned on making her his girlfriend.

what would he say if he saw her now? overlooking her own boundaries and morals, at the mercy of the very man who didn’t care what she was up to two months ago.

‘i just can’t,’ she replies, and eunseok has to fight to hold back his smirk. why was she fighting it when she knew she wanted to.

‘is it because of that guy? did he tell you to stop caring about me?’

‘you’re not good for me eunseok. sometimes you make it hard for me to breathe. it’s like everyday i’m slowly dying inside, foolishly hoping that you’ll come around and love me,’ he moved forward, inching closer and closer till only a small space remained between the two. she tried to move backwards but he was too fast, his hand seeking refuge in the curve of her hip, giving it a squeeze.

‘remember who was there for you, the person who showed you what love meant. i’m the one that picked up the pieces of your broken heart,’ he was so close now, eyes darting down to her lips and she subconsciously licked them.

‘that guy doesn’t know what’s good for you, he’s just trying to take you away from me,’ his fingers danced up her hip, trailing past her collarbone and finding rest on the side of yumi’s face.

‘don’t leave me like everyone else,’ he delivered the final blow, knowing he now had her right where he wanted her.

a small part of his brain nagged at him, constantly repeating how this was wrong, how it wasn’t fair to manipulate someone so vulnerable. but a larger part of him struggled to stop, the feeling he got toying with her emotions, withdrawing and seeing the light drain out of her eyes, just to ignite the flame again, it excited him.

song eunseok was the bane of yumi’s existence. her ultimate weakness, the only one who could bring her from soaring highs to dangerous lows. and she let him tamper with the trajectory of her life, time and time again.

she was beneath him, metaphorically and physically, as she let him have his way with her, whispering empty promises into her ears, pulling her close to his chest as she swore they would mould into one.

it was always passionate with him, nails scraping shoulder blades, heels pushing into his lower back as she clings on for dear life. it was like an art, one that brought yumi closer to heaven each and every time, mouth agape and eyes screwed shut as she chanted over and over again, ‘fuck me, fuck me, fuck me.’

and of course eunseok would do just as she wished, her legs practically touching the sky as he propped himself up on his elbows, caging her in as he relished in the way she squirmed under him.

the tears only spurred him further, some sort of god complex forming within him. he was the reason why such a pretty thing was reduced to a blubbering mess, mascara smudged as her lip quivered. whether it would be in despair or pure ecstasy, he didn’t care. as long as yumi cried for him, he felt like it was a great display of her devotion.

he spent hours making love to her, his stamina seemingly endless, as he spewed such sweet lies from his pretty lips. ‘you belong to me’, ‘only i can make you happy, ‘you will never love anyone like you love me.’

at the end of the night, the moonlight seeping through her curtains, he pulled her worn out body close to him and gave her a kiss.

‘our souls are too entwined for us to depart from each other.’

by the next morning he could tell that shame washed over her, that she knew it wasn’t a good idea for her to have been laid up with the same person who had her curled up in a ball, sheets bunched underneath her hands as she wept.

he played the role of the doting boyfriend well, making her breakfast, running her a bath, all as if he had made up his mind, that he would commit to her and her only.

how foolish of her to believe it.

not even two days later, she stumbled across a post, minjeong’s post celebrating her and eunseok’s 2 year anniversary together. they looked so happy together, as if nothing could break them apart.

to add insult to injury, yumi immediately remembered the outfit in the picture, the same one he was wearing when he had come to see her that night. cursing under her breath she felt her chest tighten, a lump beginning to form in her throat.

how would she face sungchan now? knowing that she had practically used him, there for her when she was struggling and easily discarded when she thought she saw a future with eunseok.

the guilt ate her up inside, and she stopped replying to his calls, or his messages, hoping he would leave her alone and move onto something better. someone that wasn’t as broken as she was.

but sungchan being the guy he was, couldn’t ignore the gut feeling telling him that something had gone wrong. yumi’s well-being was at the forefront of his mind, discarding any personal feelings he had. he just needed to make sure she was alright.

he knew her schedule pretty much like the back of his hand, and he waited outside her classroom, hoping to catch a glimpse of her.

instead he sees yumi practically drag herself out of the door, a look of defeat on her face. the reason for this trails after her, a cocky smile on his face as he calls out her name.

she shakes her head, picking up the pace, but she’s no match for him, and he easily catches up, grabbing her by the wrist and pulling her smaller frame after him.

‘what is he playing at?’ sungchan was sure of it now, that eunseok had something to do with yumi’s sudden change in behaviour, and decided to follow after the pair.

he tugged her into an empty classroom, the door slightly ajar, and sungchan slipped inside.

‘what’s going on here?’ he spoke up, and yumi froze, pleading with her eyes for eunseok to be quiet, to not tell him anything about how she had broken her resolve.

but she should have known better, that eunseok only did what he wanted to do. and that was why he whipped around to face him, all too happy as he addressed him.

‘it’s good you’re here, it would save you all the heartbreak.’

‘eunseok please,’ she was sure she would drop to her knees soon, the tension in the room suffocating her.

‘i’m doing us all a favour babe,’ he winked and it was in this moment that yumi felt like she was finally able to see his true face.

calculating, manipulative, selfish, self-indulgent. this wasn’t the boy she fell in love with. at least that’s what she thought.

‘you have a crush on yumi, don’t you?’ he redirects his attention to sungchan, who still knows no better about the situation at hand.

‘what does it matter to you?’ sungchan’s defensive, feeling like he didn’t owe him any sort of answer.

‘hey man no need to be all hostile, i’m trying to help you here,’ eunseok holds his hands up, as if he was admitting defeat.

yumi is an anxious mess behind him, praying that she could just escape, to be anywhere other than here.

‘it would be a shame for you to be fooled into thinking she felt the same about you.’

her eyes shut, head reeling as she swiped a hand over her face. it was all over.

‘why are you trying to speak for her. you don’t know how hard yumi had worked to get over you,’ his attempts to defend you were futile, all in vain because she had unravelled two months of work in one night.

‘hmm, i don’t think she did a very good job at that. i’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to be under the person you’re meant to be getting over,’ eunseok tapped his chin, practically mocking him and sungchan balled his hands into fists.

‘eunseok that’s enough.’

‘tell him the truth doll. about the amount of times you called me crying, begging me to get back with you,’ he showed no mercy, impatient, as he longed to see everything fall apart in front of him. nobody could have yumi but him, and he would make sure of it.

"stop."

‘or how about two nights ago when you let me in. surely you knew it was a bad idea but you still-‘

"eunseok shut up," tears streamed down her face as as she bunched his shirt up in her hands.

"then look me in the eye and tell me you're over me," his tone softened, his palm reaching out to rest on her cheek, wiping her eyes.

sungchan watched expectantly, hoping that she would quickly sort the situation out, that she would reassure him, push eunseok away, tell him how crazy he was.

but instead she closed her eyes, taking a deep breath.

‘fuck you,’ was all she said.

‘but you already have love. many times,’ the glint in his eye was pure malevolence, brutal, merciless, just like his actions.

sungchan felt like he had been punched in the gut, reeling from what was going on in front of him. she wasn't over him.

‘get out of here and leave me the fuck alone,’ she let go of eunseok, hands now shaking as she dared not look at sungchan.

‘as you wish darling,’ he said, but it felt like the fun was just getting started.

‘you sure you don’t want one last look,’ he taunted her, taking his time because he knew she wouldn't be able to resist not looking one last time.

and just as he predicted, she was facing him again and the grin on his face was hard to fight.

stepping even closer, he stopped when he was just inches away from her, his tall frame towering over her.

leaning down, he licked his lips, moving as if he was going to kiss her but instead found them by her earlobe.

‘don't fight your feelings my love,’his breath tickled her ear, and although his words sounded sweet she knew him too well.

taking a step back he admired the way her body slightly shook, whether with rage or nervousness he didn't know. and he didn't care.

‘i'm sure i'll be hearing from you soon yumi.’

‘don't be too heartbroken,’ he called out to sungchan, not caring about the catastrophe he was leaving behind as he sauntered away with his hands in his pockets.

‘you still like him,’ it took an unbelievable amount of strength for sungchan to speak up, his tongue feeling heavy in his mouth.

yumi was shaking, hunched over in the corner as she refused to meet his eyes.

he sighed, hating that she looked so broken, that one man had such power over her being. she looked just like the first day he met her, defeated, broken down.

crouching next to her, lifting her head, his words got stuck in his throat as he looked at her. a flood of tears gushed down her cheeks, chewing on her lower lip as she hugged her knees.

he swiped at her eyes but the tears still spilled down, red and swollen as she rest her chin on her knee.

"i tried- i- i didn't even mean," she was a blubbering mess, barely able to get her words, her breathing staggered.

"yumi breathe for me please, it's okay."

nothing about this situation was okay to sungchan. the girl he was convinced he could spend the rest of eternity with was clearly not over someone who didn't even have the decency to call her his girlfriend.

his broken heart weighed heavily on him, but all he wanted was to make sure that the girl he loved would cry no longer.

pulling her into his arms, he tried to soothe her by patting her on the back, another hand playing with her hair.

"i'm so sorry- i'm so sorry. i didn't mean to hurt you, i'm so sorry," she repeated over and over again, knowing that it was not enough to fix the damages done.

but it was all she could muster up for now.

realisation settled in. she would never truly be free of eunseok. that her heart was so full of him, she could barely call it her own.

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dean-winchester-is-a-warrior · 2 years

Text

Like Waves in the Ocean

Summary: Jensen surprises Y/N...more than once.

Warnings/Explicit 18+: Smut. Lots of smut. Fluff, mainly at the end. Unprotected sex, PinV, light fingering, slightly rough sex, semi-public sex.

Pairings: Jensen Ackles x Y/N

Word Count: 2,037

A/N: So, thanks to the video above that Jensen posted and the imaginings of @charred-angelwings, I absolutely HAD to write this Jensen fic.

This will also count towards my 30 Days Writing Challenge. This story will be for the prompt: Use the title, Like Waves on the Ocean. (It just seemed like too perfect a fit!)

For someone who hadn't written a RPF in my life, all this hot af Jensen content lately is sure smashing down that wall. Cause this is now the 3rd entry in this little Jensen x Reader saga. The first two are:

The Art of Creating Sex Hair Sexy Hair

2. Who's Blushing Now?

You don’t have to have read either of them, to read this one, but it might be more enjoyable. Plus who doesn’t love more Jensen smut! 🤤

As always, of course this story is about a Jensen from a different part of the multiverse, who is single. This is a complete and utter work of fiction. 😊

The beautiful divider at the bottom was created by @firefly-graphics

As you walked out to the beach you looked out at Jensen on the water in the distance. He sat comfortably on the paddle board you'd rented for the weekend. Easier than buying and then lugging a personal one from home.

Plus it would have been hard for Jensen to surprise you with this trip to St. Lucia if he was carting around paddle boards and oars.

After the Toronto shoot had ended two weeks ago, you'd lamented to him that you so badly wanted to get out of the city. Jensen had merely nodded and grunted his agreement.

So, it hadn't occurred to you for a second, that your complaint would prompt him to book the two of you into a five day stay at the Calabash Cove Resort and Spa!

Since Toronto, you hadn't had a chance to see each other. It had been almost a full two weeks and you missed him like crazy.

Phone sex and sex over shitty Skype calls was not the same as having his magical hands on your skin. Sure, the man was very skilled at dirty talk, and still managed to give you incredible orgasms by watching him stroke his big hand up and down his cock while he described, in excruciatingly hot detail, every little thing he was going to do to your body the next time you were together.

But it could never be as good as him actually doing those things to you.

So when you picked him up at the airport the day before yesterday, it wasn't that surprising to you that he just booked you into the hotel there for the night. The two of you had barely made it through the hotel room door before you were ripping each other's clothes off.

But it was incredibly surprising yesterday morning when he'd woken you up with kisses and then told you to get ready for a trip.

You'd laughed at him, confused. "Excuse me?" You'd asked, wiping sleep from your eyes.

"I know you have no jobs booked for the next week, so instead, I booked you a surprise. Don't bother packing because whatever you need, we'll just buy there."

"Where?" You were laughing as he pulled you out of bed.

"It's a surprise. Come on baby, just throw your toothbrush in a bag and let's go!"

Despite his assurances, you packed a carry-on bag with a couple t-shirts and shorts and basic toiletries.

It wasn't until you got to the airport that you discovered where you were headed. At least what city and country. Jensen refused to to tell you anything about what resort you were going to. So the grandeur and oppulence of the Calabash Resort had made you speechless.

You spent yesterday evening getting a couple's massage in your room and then straining your muscles all over again, making slow, gentle love, lulled into peace and sensuality by your oiled muscles and the rhythmic sound of the ocean approaching and retreating from the shoreline.

As you watched Jensen now, being rocked slowly by those same waves, it hit you that your relationship, newly defined as it was, was a lot like the ocean's waves.

It was constantly shifting; as you discovered new aspects of each other's character, you approached and retreated from each other, sometimes reaching forward, willing to risk your heart, sometimes pulling back, still unsure, still scared.

Everything was still and ebb and flow, changing and altering like the tides.

As those same waves pushed him closer to the shore, you found yourself breathing a little harder at the vision he made.

His skin was tanned and glistening in the sunshine. His muscular, solid body never failed to make your core clench. No matter how many times you saw his naked form, how many times you got to watch his biceps and triceps strain against something heavy, or how many times you watched his back muscles ripple beautifully under his skin, no matter what, your reaction was always the same.

He made you breathless, made your heart race, soaked your panties through, and left you in awe that you were allowed to touch him, allowed to beg him to touch you.

He was yours, and that still felt like a surreal miracle.

When he was close enough to the shore, he hopped off the board and waded his way towards you.

As he emerged from the water you swallowed hard at the way his swim trunks clung to him, sticking to his hard, thick thighs like a second skin. They also pulled tight against the bulge you could see at the front of the brightly colored shorts. His broad chest was gleaming with droplets of water, his hair damp.

He dropped the paddle board on the sand and walked straight to you. You opened your mouth to ask him a question and forgot it immediately as his mouth crashed down on yours, taking advantage of your open mouth to sweep his tongue inside.

You moaned into him as he sucked on your tongue. He gripped your ponytail in his fist, roughly pulling your head to the side so he could suck and bite at your skin as his sinful lips moved down your neck.

"Fuck, Y/N it should be illegal for someone to look that hot in a plain black, one piece bathing suit." He growled in your ear.

He pulled away suddenly, but kept hold of your hand. He tugged you along behind him as he entered one of the wide tents placed along this stretch of private beach for those staying at the resort.

They were meant to be used to change in and out of bathing suits. And although Jensen pulled the one piece you were wearing down to your waist the second you walked into the shaded spot, you were pretty sure he didn't plan on using the space for it's intended purposes.

He bent and fixed his lips around your nipple, sucking hard. The action shot currents of heat straight to your core and you gasped and pulled his hair.

He growled and sunk his teeth into your skin; you yanked harder on his hair, head thrown back, mouth open.

Cupping your ass, he lifted you so you could wrap your legs around his waist. Your arms encircled his neck and you licked the skin there, tasting salt - his sweat and the ocean waves. He was delicious and you couldn't help sliding your tongue across more of his bare skin.

He carried you over to the chaise lounger that had been provided inside the tent, and sat down. He leaned back against it, adjusting you so you were straddling him. He reached down, and pushed your bathing suit aside, swiping his blunt fingers through your slick.

He put his dripping fingers into his mouth, decadently licking your essence from the tips.

You moaned at the vision of his lush lips wrapped around his thick fingers, tongue swirling and sucking. You whined impatiently and ground yourself down against his cock; you could feel it through his shorts, pressing hard, warm and wet against your now bare pussy.

He popped his fingers out of his mouth and then folded his hands behind his head. He lifted his chin towards you.

"Well, pull it out, baby. It's all yours."

You moved your hands down to his trunks, reaching in and grasping his warm, throbbing cock.

Jensen's biceps flexed tight as he moved his hands behind his head to grip the back of the lounger, his fingers squeezing it hard as you stroked him.

"Fuck, Y/N! Yes, just like that. Take what you need baby!"

You needed no further encouragement to position yourself over him, ready to slide down and seat yourself fully on his lap. But you had to tease him a little, running the head of his cock slowly through your soaked folds.

His hips bucked up towards you and his expression promised that you would not get away with the teasing. Payback would be coming.

You panted at the thought and slid down his full length. Both of you moaned loudly as your cunt clenched around him.

You set a slow pace to start, knowing you'd tire out quickly in this position if you didn't pace yourself. Also it was an exquisite torture to feel every vein on his cock press into every single inch of your pussy. And the slower you went the more precisely you could feel them.

Jensen allowed you to be the driver for a while, throwing his head back and biting into his plush, pink bottom lip. You could see his stomach muscles straining as he fought the urge to drive into you.

But finally when he could take no more, he took over. With a guttural growl he sat up and wrapped his arm around your waist. He braced his other arm behind him. In this position he could slam into you, while simultaneously lifting you and then crashing you back onto his lap.

The sound of slick, hot, skin slapping together was obscene and loud in the small cotton tent.

You could feel you were both on the brink when Jensen brought his hand from behind him and circled his hard middle finger against your clit. You dug your fingernails into his shoulder blades, raking your nails down his sweaty back.

He growled harshly at the pleasure-pain you were causing him. He brought both hands to your hips, and then using his weight and momentum, he pushed you backwards on the chaise so that your head was hanging over the end. He continued to rail into you in this new position, all the blood rushing to your head and making you feel even more disoriented with pleasure.

He got to his knees and angled himself so that he was hitting your g-spot with every pass.

He held your hips in place above the chaise while he pistoned into you, shaking your whole body with the force of his thrusts.

Finally, with a deafening roar you felt him explode inside you, triggering your own climax to hit you, rolling over you and over you like waves in the ocean. Jensen fell heavily on top of you while your body continued to pulse from aftershocks.

As you both came back to reality, Jensen pulled out of you and climbed off of you.

"Shit, I'm sorry, darlin', I kinda crushed you there, didn't I? And you're gonna end up with a head rush." He said as he carefully helped you sit up.

"Mmm..nnooo." You mumbled as you waved away his concern. "That was incredible!"

You shifted so you were sitting his lap again and reached up for his mouth. Pulling him to you, you kissed him long and deep.

You pulled back to breathe and panted against his lips. "You are incredible."

You thought he might make a flippant or teasing remark about your praise of him, but instead he cupped your jaw and lowered his lips back to yours. But his kiss was all softness, gentle and languid, soft brushes of his mouth over yours, followed by the undemanding press of his lips.

He pulled back and pushed his hands through your hair.

"You're more than incredible, Y/N. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. And maybe this is too soon, and maybe I'm gonna freak you out, but...I love you."

You stared at him, unblinking.

He ducked his head and looked away. "You don't have to say it back, I mean...I don't expect you to - oof!"

The rest of his sentence was cut short as you launched yourself at him, wrapping your arms around his neck and over-balancing the chaise, knocking it backwards.

He bore the brunt of the impact, with you landing completely on top of him. He was laughing though, as you smothered him with kisses.

He took hold of your cheeks and halted the onslaught. "I take it then, you didn't mind me saying it?"

"Um - no, Mr. Ackles, I definitely did not mind you saying it." You grinned at him. "Mind if I say it back?"

Jensen's smile was pure sunshine. "Well, if actions speak louder than words, I think the concussion you just gave me might be enough."

He kissed you hard and fast. "But you can say it anyway.

"I love you, Jensen."

The waves crashed loudly outside the humid tent, but as you leaned down to once again capture his plush lips with yours, you realized that you'd finally found your safe harbor.

@akshi8278

@lgranger67

@maggiegirl17

@carryonwaywardgirl

@all-alone-he-turns-to-stone

@foxyjwls007 @b3autyfuldisast3r @myloversgone @kazsrm67 @fangirlxwritesx67 @kickingitwithkirk @charred-angelwings

@hopefuldreamers-world @siospins2 @deanwanddamons @deandreamernp @my-sherlock221b @jensensgotyoudean @lyarr24 @snowlovespie @stixnstripesworld

@thoughts-and-funnies @magssteenkamp @norman1967 @princessmisery666 @eevvvaa @mishkatelwarriorgoddess @deepsketchsupernaturalcowboy

@b-i-t-c-h-i-e @twirpbunwarrior @mysweetlittledesire

@waynes-multiverse @mrsjenniferwinchester

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Masterlist

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#jensen ackles #jensen ackles rpf #jensen x reader #jensen x y/n #jensen ackles smut #jensen ackles fan fiction #jensen ackles fan fic #30 days writing challenge

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copperbadge · 2 years

Note

I have zero experience with Adderall but I wanted to ask if you feel any, I guess, momentum for accomplishing things even when it wears off? One of my major "tasks I can't force myself to start" is my bedtime routine (washing my face, brushing/flossing my teeth, a couple of other steps), so I don't end up falling asleep in my work clothes with my light on sometime between 8 and 10pm, but obviously I wouldn't still want the Adderall to be fully in effect at that point because, well, I need to sleep. Does the relief of having ability to accomplish things while on Adderall give you any kind of boost even when it's wearing off?

Yeah, the bedtime routine can be rough. I used to have a list of all the steps tacked up on my bathroom mirror, so a) I wouldn't forget any and b) they'd seem more manageable since I only had to do one at a time. Ironically, I found the more elaborate I made the routine the less I needed this, so for the last few years it's like a half-hour performance art piece before I crawl into bed. Bananas.

The short version of the answer is "Yes, but not how you think." Here's the longer version, with a few caveats: I have only been taking Adderall for a month, my diagnosis is inattentive-only and mild to begin with, and drug interactions can vary greatly from person to person, so this is my experience, not a universal constant.

For me, the primary impact of the medication isn't more energy; there is some increased mental clarity, but the biggest effect is that I see a task, I think "I should do that", and then instead of going "I can't, I don't feel like I can" for an hour before managing it, or forgetting to do it, I just...go ahead and do it. Sometimes I'll even see a task, go "I can't, it's so unpleasant, I don't want to" and decide not to do it, then find myself doing it anyway without consciously deciding to. Which is awesome but also quite the trip at first.

The effect wears down after about three hours and wears off completely in about five. After it wears off, I don't retain that "okay but I'll just go ahead and do it" sensibility, but I do have more energy than I would normally have at that point in the day, because I haven't spent the last five hours fighting my own brain. Two doses over the course of a full workday leaves me way more energy than I would normally have at the end of the day. So I eat a better dinner, I do more hobbies, I can read or answer email in the evenings. I can work during the day and write in the evening instead of putting off work during the day so that I can write before I get tired.

So it's not that the drug's still doing something, but that the drug basically gives me the equivalent of a free four-hour nap. On top of that, I feel better about myself overall because I did my work and my chores, so usually nothing awful is looming over my head.

Thinking on it, I was also already living in a way that was optimized for this kind of medication, so this is bonus material but may help you out too. I get up very early -- my normal rising time used to be 3, it's now edging closer to 5 -- which allows me morning time to eat an early breakfast, goof around, and do as I please until it's time to get ready for work around 8am for an 8:30 start. At that point I take my medication on an "empty stomach" (at least two hours after eating) and then go straight into the shower, after which I dress, feed the cats, and fix myself a big jug of icewater to keep at my desk. This is timed out so that right as I'm sitting down, the meds kick in and I can answer email, square away anything left over from yesterday's work, and get a jump on the day.

Because I ate breakfast so early I usually eat a snack around 10am, which means when the Adderall is wearing off around 1pm I can take another one on another "empty stomach" and then have a second snack at 2pm. That all sees me through the end of the workday and I have a handful of evening hours for chores, hobbies, etc after which I go to bed early enough (7pm-9pm generally) that I'm not entirely worn out when it's time to start the evening routine.

It's not a perfect system (evening socializing doesn't really happen, and I never really eat a full meal during daylight hours) but it works pretty well for me, and the Adderall slotted right in there very easily.

In any case if you're looking into medication, good luck! I was shocked at how well the meds work for me, and I hope they work as well for you!

#sam has adhd #one month followup with my psych today!#not actually going to send him a link to the sam has adhd tag but i bet i use a lot of material from it

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jewwyfeesh · 1 month

Text

The Lost Tome - 6

Writer: Mitsuki

Characters: Narukami Arashi, Tsukinaga Leo, Sakuma Ritsu, Suou Tsukasa, Sena Izumi

Translated by: jewwyfeesh

Note: no you didn't see me forget to add the quote, no you didnt. (magics it away)

Arashi: Goodness, Izumi-chan, don’t just snatch it from me so roughly! I promised Ou-sama that I’ll take good care of this.

[ ♪ ]

Season: Autumn

Location: Empty Classroom

The next day…

Leo: LMAO, Sena’s the one who’s late today! Yesterday he was nagging me non-stop with such a deadpan expression, should I nag him back today? Hahahaha!

Arashi: Ou-sama, did you forget? Today Izumi-chan’s taking the day shift, and had already notified us via text message earlier on.

Leo: Ah? Really? Lemme see— Oh… Sena really did send us a message.

Arashi: It’s not my intention to scold you, Ou-sama, but you should pay attention to your messages every once in a while. If Izumi-chan were to see this, he’s definitely going to blow his top… again.

Leo: Yeah I know, I know ☆

Tsukasa: Speaking of which… Leader, what’s that in your hand?

Leo: Ah! I’ve been caught red-handed by Suo~! This is my weapon of choice, hahahaha.

Was I too loud earlier on? Did someone notice us?

Tsukasa: Leader, what’s wrong? Why are you acting so frantic?

Leo: It’s nothing, I just snuck this sword into school. So if the Student Council found out about it, they’ll definitely confiscate it.

Tsukasa: But… secretly bringing weapons in like this is a very dangerous matter, Leader. For yours and everyone else’s Safety, it’s better if you kept it away.

Leo: Suo~, there’s no need to be so uptight~ Not to mention, it’s not sharp or anything! If you don’t believe me, look!

Tsukasa: Wow, its edge has actually been made blunt. Furthermore, it… is rather Beautiful. It does make for a rather exquisite weapon… Oh, no. Kindly allow me to refer to it as a work of art.

Though… Leader, I would like to enquire as to why you’ve brought it today? Do you intend to Perform with it or something?

Leo: Well, it’s because of this book~

I went back to study its contents, and they’re super duper thought-provoking! Not to mention, it allowed me to better understand more about being a knight-errant. See, see! These parts at the back talking about weaponry and stuff are super cool!

After reading it, my inspiration surged forth! So I wrote a piece about knight-errants, but felt that it was lacking a little something-something. So I got my friend to help me buy a sword to try and find that knight-errant vibe.

Then again this method is hella useful! I managed to fill the missing piece, and also managed to channel a better understanding of knight-errants into the piece! Even though I spent a lot of effort on this, seems like the end product makes it all worth it ☆

Tsukasa: Even though your drive to keep on improving is something we should learn from, Leader, please allow me to enquire — why is this book still in your hands? Weren’t you supposed to return it yesterday?

Leo: Err… Y-you see… After saying my goodbyes yesterday, I walked towards the lost-and-found while reading the book…

But I was too engrossed, somehow walked into an unrecognisable area, and got lost…

It took a lot outta me to get myself back somewhere familiar, but by then the sky was getting dark, so I just went home…

Tsukasa: Leader, are you aware that the Student Council is currently in a frenzy because of this book?

I had dropped by the archery range after practice yesterday in the hopes of getting some solo practice. Instead, I bumped into Hasumi-buchou, who was desperately looking for this book.

Back then, I was comforting Hasumi-buchou, saying things like this book could’ve already made its way to the lost-and-found, and that he didn’t need to be so frantic, only for you to… Sigh…

(I remember Hasumi-buchou was desperately trying to find a book, saying that it was something that Tenshouin Onii-sama had borrowed from Hibiki-senpai, and that Hibiki-senpai wanted Onii-sama’s suggestions for one of their scripts…)

(Onii-sama had found the script and its setting particularly engaging, thus borrowing this book from Hibiki-senpai. He had wanted to give it a very thorough look-through, before providing detailed suggestions.)

(But Hasumi-buchou didn’t know of this; when the Student Council were tidying things up, perhaps Tori-kun accidentally lost this book while rearranging the books. And Hasumi-buchou, who was in the dark, didn’t realise when he was making an inventory.)

(It was only after Onii-sama returned, looking for said script, that everyone found out about Tenshouin Onii-sama having borrowed it from Hibiki-senpai. Afterwards, the Student Council was in shambles.)

(At present, Leader has yet to return the book… Hasumi-buchou was so distraught, so guilty. Hh… I wonder if he’ll think I was trying to prank him when he was so down-trodden?)

Leo: Suo~, don’t wear such a heartbroken expression…! I-I’ll go return it now!

Ritsu: I don’t think we’d feel very reassured if we let Ou-sama run off on his own, so I’ll accompany him.

(If I accompany the King to return the book and bump into a Maa~kun who’s gone berserk from searching, Maa~kun will definitely praise me, hehehe.)

Leo: It’s rare to see you so energetic, Rittsu~; not to mention, you accompanying me there is gonna help a ton!

Oh, right! I’m entrusting this sword to y’all to safe keep. If the Student Council finds out about it, I reckon we’re gonna be in a whole lot of trouble ☆

Arashi: Relax, Ou-sama. You can leave this to Tsukasa-chan and I.

Leo: We’ll take our leave first, bye bye!

Izumi: Grr, to be inconvenienced on the day that I have to work the day-shift, how frustrating!

Kasa-kun, Naru-kun? Why are the both of you alone here? Where did everyone else go?

Arashi: The King and Ritsu-chan went to return a book — yep, that book from yesterday. So it’s just the two of us left. Since you’re here, Izumi-chan, let’s start practising~

Izumi: That book from yesterday? Shouldn’t Ou-sama have returned it already?

Arashi: He got lost en-route, so he needs to make another trip today. But Ritsu-chan’s accompanying him, so I don’t think we’ll have any more problems on our hands.

Izumi: Ou-sama that f**king idiot! What the hell! What’s that thing in your hands?

Arashi: Oh, this? It’s the King’s sword. Isn’t it very……

Goodness, Izumi-chan, don’t just snatch it from me so roughly! I promised Ou-sama that I’ll take good care of this.

Izumi: Hmph, this King! I can’t believe he even brought this stupid toy to training!

First, he ditched practice, then he doesn’t attend our activities, and now he decides to bring some… some toy to training! Seriously, it goes to show how much he prioritises Knights! No, I must teach him a lesson today!

Arashi: Wait a minute, Izumi-chan, you should hear my explanation first—

And there he goes. If Izumi-chan goes to look for the King in this state, who knows what kind of disaster would happen? I should notify him first, and give him a chance to hide.

Tsukasa-chan, let’s chase after him. If the both of them bump into each other, we can try to soothe their ruffled feathers.

Tsukasa: Understood, Narukami-senpai. Should a Conflict truly arise, I will do my best to mediate the situation.

[ ☆ ]

← Chapter 5 | Story Masterlist

just a little note of appreciation: thank you to all my wonderful friends who've never stopped supporting me and listen to me ramble about these squishies for ages, and to the readers who enjoy my tls!

special shout out to book club as well, thank you for being so amazing. i hope to hear from y'all soon <3

#enstars translation #mukanshu tl #the lost tome #Narukami Arashi #Tsukinaga Leo #Sakuma Ritsu #Suou Tsukasa #Sena Izumi

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lazar-codes · 4 months

Text

100 Days of Productivity (dop)

03/01/2024 || Day 1 (dop)

TLDR: I got stuff done

🔸 started grad school applications (3/3)

🔸 emailed one of my references (always scary asking for something from someone)

🔸 did a whole spread of my sketchbook

🔸 continued reading my book (Piranesi)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok, instead of doing 100 days of code I decided I'm gonna do 100 days of productivity, because let's be honest, I still want to count the days I don't code if I still do something I've been meaning to do. Technically I was productive for the past 2 days (Jan 1st being the day I finally got all my music on my phone and was able to delete Spotify, and yesterday I sent emails out for grad school), but it would feel weird if I noted this day as "day 3" with no written account of days 1 or 2.

So, today I spent a few hours getting all the documents sorted for grad school applications, as well as answering the basic questions they ask. Tmr will be the day I actually sit down and get write my letter of intent, but that's a tmr problem.

I also did a full spread of my sketchbook today! Like I said in my last post, I want to get back into art and so I'm gonna try to do at least 1 side of a page per day, but today I did a full spread! Honestly, I have Doctor Who to thank for this because I decided to rewatch the show after 5 years of my last rewatch, and let me tell you, I first started the show 10-11 years ago when I was just starting to draw, so now having more art skills and doing fanart for it is healing my inner teenage self. I also really like that I can do silly and quick doodles (like in the photo above) just to get my point across, but I still end up really liking it! (side note, the photo above is from yesterday because I didn't want to share today's stuff)

#studyblr #lazar blogs #100 days of productivity

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jennilah · 1 year

Text

Happy NYE! Every year I enjoy taking a moment to write a somewhat lengthy roundup of my year, good and bad. Its a moment for me to reflect and summarize & expand on things that in hindsight ended up being bigger moments than it felt at the time

like always, I dont want anyone to feel like you have to compare your successes to mine. I simply enjoy being an open book. I like reading other people's personal posts too ♥

This year was incredible for me. This was the year of taking back my life after covid took the last two years. Vaccinated & approaching things as safely as possible according to health guidelines, I was able to do things again, and boy what good things they were!

First off, this was the first full calendar year that I've spent in the new apartment. I swear, this accounts for at least a third of my happiness this year. I can't believe I've already lived here for over a year now, it feels like I just moved in yesterday, and yet I can't believe I dealt with my old apartment for as long as I did. Even thinking about how much that place sucked ass ruins my mood, no wonder my mental health was TANKING when I had to work from home there.

New apartment, new me. This place is incredible and I really feel like I can breathe and live how I want to. Working from home is actually nice instead of unbearable (I now work in a hybrid system, home for a few days and in-office for a few days, since I like aspects of both equally.)

First things first, right away in January I got my first VR headset and I absolutely love it to pieces. That opened up a whole new hobby for me, going into VR and exploring and making whole ass new friends in VRchat. I just think it's so fucking rad and I am so glad i bought the headset.

I then joined a new private art community (lmao that sounds so nefarious. I promise it isnt. I just get to have 1 secret, okay?) that has been so fun and really uplifted my mood at the start of the year, and it continues to be very fun! I am so glad I joined!!!

In fact, that very community helped a lot when it came to silencing my two-year-long streak of "Hell Brain", what I affectionately call the daily swirling anxious thoughts in my head that constantly echo when I dont have a special interest to occupy my daydreams. (Reminder: I am autistic! I am using the term in the autistic sense. By this point, i hadn't had a special interest/hyperfocus in years and I was having a really hard time silencing the Hell Brain on my own.)

It wasnt a perfect solution but it helped a lot, at least. It also drew me even closer to an already-close friend! bonding, yay! and I have met some really cool new people in that community too, who I really hope to keep connecting with!!

I also started to get real about my physical health, trying to eat healthier and exercise more.

Then, the summer of a lifetime began.

(First of all, I saw so many fucking movies. I love going to the movies, and I ate well this year!!! so many amazing films came out.)

I had my first salary negotiation with my bosses, and it went so well that they even asked the higher-ups for more money than I asked for. Because they were super cool, and I guess they wanted to make it very clear how much they appreciate me too. They have already made it extremely clear already how much they value my opinions and skillset, but translating that appreciation to $$ was certainly a bonus.

Then, my fucking god, Top Gun: Maverick finally came out and it has felt like a dream ever since. I couldn't believe- I still can't believe the reception it has gotten. My head is in the clouds. I'm floating. I'm every happy feeling, okay? I wonder if I will ever work on something like that again, that becomes such a worldwide phenomena like this. Completely utterly blown-away. I saw the movie 3 times in theaters myself, so I cant say I'm too shocked. I loved it too!!! I am so proud and just... amazed.

Shortly after, I got to fly home and see my family again for the first time since 2019. I made the most of it. It was one of the most fun trips home I ever had. It was even more fun that I got to see Top Gun with my parents, and I got to finally talk about it with people. It was also fun being home in the summer, hanging out outside, pool parties, BBQ... perfection. I love the vibes of summer nights.

I came back to Montreal refreshed, and then Con Season started up. Comic/Anime cons are probably my favorite events ever, and I was very sad not being able to go to any in the last two years. So it felt amazing to go back again (and buy a lotttt of nerdy stuff lmao)

I even went to a virtual convention in VR! lmao. it was super cool though!

I went to a Woodkid concert for the first time. It was incredible. It also felt like a dream. A+, would go again. Absolutely love his music.

My cousin visited me here in Montreal! That was so much fun. She's the closest thing to a sister to me, and we hadn't hung out just the two of us alone since we were kids. We went to Osheaga, my first music festival, and that whole experience was incredibly fun. It was great hanging out with her and catching up and everything, and I am so glad we got to go to the festival together.

She also helped me try weed for the first time LOL

She taught me how to properly use a bong. I have since switched to a dry-herb vaporizer, but indeed this is a new sort of hobby thing that has slotted into my life this year as well.

It has actually been quite lovely for tackling my aforementioned Hell Brain and anxiety, and also just for funsies.

Then, Prey came out, and I consider it another absolute win. Two movies I worked on that came out in the same year, that have both been critical and fan successes??!!! I am so, so happy. Will lightning strike like that again next year? We will just have to see!

Then there was a really fun street food festival that I thoroughly enjoyed for hours and hours on end. And Splatoon 3 came out, which I also enjoyed for hours and hours on end.

I definitely heavily mourned summer ending, because as you can tell, I was having a lot of fun cramming in events before the weather could turn.

But, like, that's kind of okay because I had no idea that my two year long streak of not having a special interest was about to change VERY suddenly lmao

This October I worked up the courage to really dive into slasher films, like I tried doing last year. (Last year I only really worked up the courage to watch the first Halloween, lol)

and, well, oops. you know what happened next.

(In case it isnt clear: they took hold of my brain and have been squeezing the juices out every day since october. meaning: I FINALLY have a new special interest! It's not something I choose, it's not something I plan, it just happens. and while sometimes fandom drama can wear me down, I am ultimately at my happiest when I have an active special interest. It gives me something to fill my brain, it gives me something that I am excited to draw, I have so much fun talking to other fans and enjoying memes, I discover new music, old music has new meaning again for new characters.... I missed this feeling so much. It feels so good it makes my chest feel tight, like I have butterflies in my stomach. I never know how long it will last, but it's not going away soon thats for sure)

So, I've obviously been having a lot of fun with my new blorbos and my new hobbies. Sometimes I smoke a little weed while rewatching Friday the 13th films, it's so much fun haha

Then, late November, I was accepted into the Visual Effects Society. That is more of a personal badge of honor. It's something I've been wanting to do since college, so as soon as I hit the required 5 years of industry experience I applied. I got in! I am excited to check out some of the more exclusive membership perks and events, but for the most part I am just proud of the achievement. I remember when 5 years felt like a lifetime to wait to apply.

I have been working on some more extremely cool things at work that I can't wait to share. Unfortunately I am waiting for a whopping three films to come out with a trailer. Cmon, hollywood!! You're killing me!!!!! I am so excited for those movies to come out, it's eating me alive not being able to say anything.

At least the Transformers: Rise of the Beasts trailer is out. That was a fun 'un. (But I want the trailers for the other things too!!!!)

And to round off the year, I just got back to MTL after finally spending Christmas at home with my family for the first time since 2019. That felt really special. I got to see everyone in the summer, yes, but our traditional family christmas get-together is what I look forward to every year and I was so glad to be able to do it again.

And there you have it. A much, much, much happier year than the last two.

My new year's resolution is to keep going with the physical health habits and to not fall off the wagon. It's also to keep living my life and go to more events to make next year feel just as full and eventful as this one was. Hang out with my friends more. Watch more of my silly little movies.

I'd also love to try to plan a trip outside of montreal, maybe to Toronto or something. I want to go on a real vacation trip alone again (or with friends.) I think that would be really fun!

#jennilargh #personal

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forabeatofadrum · 1 year

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Guys, it is El WooWoo Wednesday and all the others. We know the drill by now. But you know what is big news? It’s February, aka Figuary! Thank you @artsyunderstudy for the tag on this fine Figuary day.

(Gonna plug my figure drawing Snowbaz AU The Naked Truth real quick!)

Yesterday I didn’t write anything new to make a fire out of this flame, but instead I spent an hour formatting it. The good thing about textfics is that I do not care for typos etc., but the bad part is the formatting. I should’ve taken the Little Numbers approach, but I also love the occasionally silly usernames.

I am actually a bit stuck on the ending, though. Like... I am so close to finishing it, I can practically taste it, if it were able to taste fics (this would be a fun ask game, as in, what would your fic taste like?)

Have some pining Baz:

I have some general writing thoughts under the tags and cut, so feel free to skip them, but first the weather, and by weather I mean the tags. I started Welcome to Night Vale yesterday after all the #cecilsweep hype, but I actually used this bad joke before.

ANYWAY. Tags! @quizasvivamos @blurglesmurfklaine @coffeegleek @esperantoauthor @otherworldsivelivedin @caramelcoffeeaddict @sillyunicorn @bazzybelle @dragoneggos @raenestee @tectonicduck @nightimedreamersworld @urban-sith @thnxforknowingme @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @takitalks @justgleekout @cerriddwenluna @tea-brigade @ivelovedhimthroughworse @moodandmist @whogaveyoupermission @bookish-bogwitch @confused-bi-queer @aroace-genderfluid-sheep @ionlydrinkhotwater @1908jmd @special-bc-ur-part-of-it @larkral @chen-chen-chen-again-chen @cutestkilla @nausikaaa/@wellbelesbian @facewithoutheart @boyinjeans @captain-aralias @martsonmars

Basically I am thinking about how I want to approach writing this year. I like writing. Otherwise I wouldn’t be here yapping about writing, but I have talked plenty about what I have dubbed “my girlboss situation”, which is that I took on so many things last year that I was “girlbossing too close to the sun”, which I need to credit Christina’s fic Thirst Trapped for, which in turn has to credit TikTok. So I am already not doing potenial challenges like the Klaine CC Valentine’s challenge and the Carry On Big Bang, and I am very on the fence about the Klaine Roulette because I want to join but also... no... girlboss situation. But I do want to do something.

I know I have many WIPs and that I also want to finish them, but there is just so much to write and honestly, I don’t mind if it takes a while. That’s why I came up with the whole hospital thing.

So I guess I am doing smaller new things now? I knew I was fucked when I claimed not one, but two prompts at the AU Please! fest, but come on, one was “Dex has the superpower to turn into a lobster”. I might actually drop that one, because I have no idea what to write for it, so ideas are welcome. And the other is a prompt where Jack travels in time and meets his past/future self, and I picked that one in the hope to get me back into my own Zimbits time travel fic. Apart from AU Please! I will do some small things for that new Radio Silence challenge, because if there’s one thing that will break my restraint, it’s a small fandom. If someone takes the effort to make the possibly first challenge for a fandom, then I am 🥹. But I hope that all of these fics will be around 1k. There was, for example, another prompt in AU Please! that I absolutely love, but the story that I saw unraveling in my mind was a big one so *wink wink nudge nudge* if you are a Zimbits writer, please claim the role reversal one so that I can read it.

I don’t really have a point here. I said above the cut that it’s just some musings. It’s on my mind because my 3rd university semester happened and I had an existential crisis at 1:30AM, as you do, about my potential OFFLINE girlboss situation (2 commissions at my queer organisation, master thesis, Chinese classes, art organisation, sidejob, intensive university course... ya... I may have girlbossed too close to the sun here) and I had a moment of “what do I do with my limited free time I do not have time to write if I also want to read and paint and draw and game.”

Look, I know I just wrote a WIP for my SJAEU about how terrible it actually is for Luke to be awake 24/7, but also, he does have more time than I do!

But yeah. Just some musings from a 24 year old having a potential quarter to life crisis. Also, I only recently found out I’ve been misspelling potential for over a decade. I wrote potentional. No idea where the extra o and n came from.

#wip wednesday #tagged in #i wrote the lesbian thing after i came home from a dinner thing where we talked about the lesbische liga's podcast yada yada long story #niall: yOU STARTED IT MAN

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akwardlyuncool · 1 year

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What Goes Up Up (2009) - Review

The misfits find one teacher they can trust and when that teacher dies and a new figure appears in his wake, will they too trust him in that same fashion? Campbell Babbit (Steve Coogan) is put on a newspaper assignment, to get off of writing about the woman he obsessively writes about at current and onto more world news, like the Challenger Space Shuttle launch. He ends up slipping into the life of an old college buddy that has passed away, thinking he can figure out the students his friend left behind and maybe tell someone else’s story for a change.

While out for Record Store day yesterday, I came across this movie that had both Hilary Duff and Josh Peck in it, so I had to pick it up, not many questions asked. Now after watching the ish, I got a whole bunch of questions. The beginning of the film makes it seem like there’s just this group of misunderstood, outcast students who found solace in a classroom, run by a teacher who instead of becoming a priest, decided to put that care into students who needed a little extra, however, and I think this is the goal of the movie, I spent most of it questioning what was happening in that town and really in that classroom.

Now I don’t want to spoil anything, but I will say that I spent a good chunk of the movie with what the kids today call “the ick.” You don’t really know what did or did not happen so you make up your own assumptions, good or bad, until the end when things start to unravel and even then no one truly knows the truth or they do, just not the entirety of that truth. They let some people be heroes and others accept the story they’ve been given.

Had I seen this movie back in 2009 when I was an “edgy” teenager watching and reading all of the stories about misfit, outcast teenagers with identity issues and drug problems and cool art hobbies, I probably would have saw the story they were trying to tell with this one. I don’t know if I would have agreed, probably would of still had some ick, but I might have saw something redeeming in the hour and 44 minutes of run time. Now as an adult I’m left feeling uncomfortable and wondering if what I watched was worth the 3 dollars I spent on the DVD? I will say that some of the ick gets cleared it up which did ultimately help me feel a little less like I wanted to puke, but I’m still unsure about the whole thing.

I don’t think I can really recommend the movie to anyone outside of completionists, die-hard fans or those of y’all who can sit through fairly dark films and be relatively okay at the end. There was just so much sketch up in the air for the majority of the film and I don’t know that I could recommend someone else sit with that much uncertainty for over an hour. Basically watch at your own discretion.

TW/CW Plus Some SPOILER-Esk Content Below:

Note on TW’s and CW’s: I’ve recently read something about the usefulness of Trigger Warnings and Content Warnings and how they may not actually be working as intended and don’t offer the help or protection that we think they do or did. That being said, as someone who at least likes to know when the overall subject or content of something may not sit right with me, I’ve decided to put them and other bonus content under a “READ MORE” or “Keep Reading” line, when I have them.

If you have feelings or insight on this please let me know, as this is something I’m testing out and would love further feedback on.

TW/CW: This movie talks about subjects of suicide and inappropriate relationships between adults and minors.

The Actual Somewhat Spoiler Commentary:

Steve Coogan’s character is a stranger to these kids and the role that he let them lead him into was inappropriate to say the least. I feel like because he is a stranger, no less an adult, even if he was trying to figure out what happened to his old friend, he should have put up some boundaries real quick. It seems like he’d tow that line to “protect” the heart of a teenage girl all in the name of the story. I think however, part of him wrote about heroes so much that he let himself slip into the villain role rather easily. He claims he’s not “that guy,” but I was not truly convinced. There were too many closed doors and making sure the girl knew she was loved by her teacher, for me to just accepts his grey area. I’m not saying I believe he’s “that guy” either but he is not the good or clean one in this situation, like at all.

Also I feel like the meaning of Josh Peck’s character (Jim Lement) was so confusing. Like is he in love with Hillary Duff’s character (Lucy) or just trying to protect her himself. Is he one of the “bad” guys who trips into heroism every once in a while, but knows they only partly deserve the compliments. Is he supposed to be the “teacher” in the end?

#Movie Blurbs #Movie Reviews #What Goes Up #Steve Coogan #Hilary Duff #Josh Peck #Olivia Thirlby #Molly Shannon #Brett Kelly #Molly Price #Max Hoffman #Sarah Lind #Laura Carswell #Ingrid Nilson #Andrea Brooks #Aaron Brooks #Levi Sochet #Barry Greene #Movies

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pbandjesse · 9 months

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I wish today was longer because honestly I had a great day off. Beyond feeling a little unwell at times I just had a really nice time and I got a lot done and I spent time outside and it was a good day. I miss James but they're on their way home and will be here in a few hours. I just wish I had more time. That's all.

Last night I felt terrible. Everything was terrible I felt awful my body hurt I was not having a good time. When I woke up at 6:00 I did not feel much better. But I was a little more comfortable. My leg still hurt but it wasn't as excruciating. And I was able to fall back asleep until a little after 9:00.

Sweetp was being such a good boy and did not wake me up at all. And when I woke up my neck did not hurt as much and I was in a better mood. My brother had texted me some really encouraging stuff about my art and that felt really nice. And I got up and I started to get ready for the day.

I felt ugly and disgusting. I did not like my original outfit my hair felt bad my face felt bad. I was not doing great but I had to not focus on myself because I had stuff to do. And I would spend from 10:00 a.m. this morning until 2:00 p.m. working on my PowerPoint for camp. It's 52 slides long. And I'm very proud of it.

I started by getting a snack. I had the rest of my guac from yesterday and half of a brownie for breakfast. And I got into laying out this PowerPoint. I have a lot of trouble with blank pages. I've always found it incredibly difficult to start when there's nothing on the page. So I've always been big into just copying pasting something I've already done and adding to and deleting from there. And that worked really well in my favor today. I would copy and paste things from my original document or move things around I was using the clipart from the handouts that there was some consistency and style. And I would copy a slide to the next slide and then just delete the text but have the format. And I was really happy with it and about 2 hours in I was really seeing the progress. There was some research and some image gathering and some layout issues that I was dealing with but I was figuring it out. And it was just really good I was really in a great place.

I took a break for a few minutes and vacuumed to the apartment. I made some soda and I had a good little lay down just to stretch out my back but I didn't want to stop because I was afraid that if I stopped I would lose all motivation. So I jumped right back into it.

And I worked until around 2:00. I did three sections that this PowerPoint is going to take care of. The intro which explains what each program section is has the rules and maps of camp. And then I have my lead section which is about fiber. It used to be called cordage but I decided that fiber makes more sense. And then ends with my quizzo section which honestly took a really long time to copy and paste because I'm not entirely sure how to do animations like old school PowerPoint animations. So instead I did two slides with one having the questions and then the second one having the answer circled. Which I think essentially does the same thing.

I am shocked how focused I was. What really helped me was I found a 4-hour YouTube video to put on to listen to. So I never had to change videos and it was about a book and I love breakdowns of books that I've never read. So this was perfect. And it was a terrible book and the person was making fun of it so that was just funny as well. So I was having a great day.

And once I realized I was basically done this PowerPoint I was thrilled. I was so happy and I felt like I accomplished so much. My goal was to spend one hour a day every day of August until it was done. But I missed Friday and yesterday so I felt like I had to make up for it and I made up for it with a whole extra hour so I'm really proud of myself.

I was feeling really good after that and I decided that I needed to take another shower. And so I took a shower and I had made a conditioner with my blue hair dye in it to just keep my hair looking a little bit more fresh than it has been. I did accidentally spill it all over the tub and then was very frustrated this morning but it was okay. I took my shower and I washed my hair and I felt really good.

I got changed into a different dress and I felt much better about myself. And then I decided that I should go for a walk and knit outside.

First I would go to the Parker across the street but very quickly realized there are no benches there. I don't know why. I feel like there used to be. I know there wasn't many but there seems to only be one picnic table which is up by the bocce ball court. So I kept walking and went towards the Park ave fountain parks.

I had better luck there. I found a bench that wasn't disgusting and sat by the fountain and I knit for about half an hour. Until I got too hot in the sun. I texted James and they were very worried about if I was wearing sunscreen but I was. But I still wanted to get out of the sun because I was too hot.

I decided that I would go and have a late lunch early dinner at brass tap. And so I walked over there and on the walk there I encountered many lantern flies which I have not seen much of so I was chasing them around stomping on them. Because you're supposed to kill them. And I'm sure I looked insane to the drivers going past. I did not run into traffic but I almost did chasing one. I did also come across a bunch of killed ones already. I don't know why they're getting bad again but maybe it's the weather.

I got to brass tap and it was too loud in there. It's always too loud in there. The music is entirely too loud there was only 10 people. Why is it screaming It's 3:30 in the afternoon. But I sat in the window seats and I worked on my knitting and got a sandwich and a soda and the waiter was very nice even though it was too loud to really have a conversation with him. I finished one whole square and started another one. I wasn't in any rush and it was just nice.

After I finished eating I decided to go for a walk and continued walking in the big circle from our apartment to Mount Washington to the armory and back to our apartment. I stopped at the little park across from the Mount Royal train station and sat there on the cement benches that I enjoy. And I knit there until around 5:00. I was starting to get hot and my phone only had 40% battery so I knew it was time to go home.

I did enjoy sitting there and listening to music and knitting and watching the world go by. Not a ton of foot traffic but I still had a good time. And then I walked home. I took a different way than I normally do so I could go past the nursery and all the nice old houses over there and admired there flowers and the yards. And soon I was walking up to my house.

And all of a sudden I was incredibly hot. Just shaky and uncomfortable and overheated. It was like my body weighted until I was home to fall apart. I immediately had draw a cold bath and lay down in it for 45 minutes because I was delirious and shaking. It was horrible. I don't know where it came from but it was not fun. And once I did cool down I didn't join my bath. As soon as I got in the bath I put on when dagoon's video on blood meridian. I had tried to read blood meridian this spring when he first put the video out but I got to the one part with the fortune tellers and I just couldn't do it anymore. It's just so heavy. I need someone to walk me through it. And his video is 5 and 1/2 hours long so I realized if I put it on then by the time it was done James would be coming home because the plan is for them to be home around 10:00.

And so I have been watching their video and knitting and fixing things and working on drawings. I did the drawing for my BMI sticker pack and I made the walrus sticker for Jorge that I promised. And I miss James deeply but it's been a really nice night and I love being alone sometimes. I've always loved my alone time I feel like I can jump from thing to thing and not feel judged and I can walk around and not feel anxious like I sometimes do. So I just enjoyed my evening and now I will wait for my husband to return from sports.

Tomorrow James is coming with me to camp and then we will leave early for my doctor's appointment. I hope that it is a beautiful day. It's raining right now and it seems like this week is going to be very damp. But I'm not that worried. I have positive feelings right now and I'm hoping to continue to carry those on. I hope that you are all wonderful and taking care of each other. Sleep well and stay safe. Until next time.

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