#THERES JUST TOO MUCH IM SORRY I CAN BARELY KEEP UP WITH MYSELF

[inusmasha]

*is sick and tired of being an adult living under capitalism and wants to run away to the mountains to live her cottagecore life*

*suddenly spends weeks day dreaming about Kagome training with Kikyo montage in some magical miko school in the mountains*

*spends months trying to wrap up Midoriko's introduction which was suppose to be just ONE CHAPTER*

*is sweaty because it turns into 3*

*but the rest of the story is playing in my head from start to finish on a loop*

*AND NOW I STARTED THINKING ABOUT SANGO AND HOW THE DEMONS SLAYERS FIT INTO THE MIX AND THEY ARE PROBABLY APPLACHIAN AND COUNTRY AF*

[orcelito]

Sometimes i look at statistics for # of ppl who have had suicidal thoughts / etc & I'm just kinda like. "There's No Way it's that low, right?"

Guys I think I have a normalized mindset that might not be entirely healthy

[floralhuqzz]

Apology.. (Johnnie Guilbert x fem reader)

·:*¨༺ ♱✮♱ ༻¨*:·

warnings: a bit angst

🦇author : I apologize if theres any misspelled words, english is not my first language:)

♱

“Im just tired you know?..” ive been on the phone with my best friend for hours now.

“you just gotta tell him how you really feel y/n,, you can just be ignoring what he does to you and not tell him that its affecting you.” she was right. This past month Johnnie has been almost completely ignoring me, always coming home late, and barely spending time with me… At first i thought I was the problem but what could ive possibly done wrong? Ive been nothing but worried about him, but he keeps refusing to talk to me.

“I just…I just dont get it.” i looked sad, and how couldn’t i? i WAS sad,, Ive been dating Johnnie for 2 years now and he is acting like a total stranger.

“if something happens you know you can always stay at my place y/n” she kindly smiles

“i know… thank you so much… you’re re the best” i smile back

I hear the front door open, “it must be Johnnie” i thought to myself

“Johnnie’s here ive gotta go i love you” i whisper

“ok good luck honey” she smiles as she hangs up

I stand up from my bed and walk out of mine and johnnies shared bedroom..

“Hey babe” he says as he walks towards me to give me a kiss

“hey” i kiss him back and as i was about to walk away he takes me by my arm

“hey whats wrong?” he looks at me confused but i could still feel the worry in his eyes

“what do you mean? im good.” i look at him

“you dont look good to me, just tell me whats the problem” he sounded a bit angry now

“whats wrong with ME?” i point my finger to my chest. “Johnnie whats wrong with YOU” i point at him

“What are y-“ i didn’t let him finish his sentence

“You have been acting weird for this past 1 month Johnnie, why? did i do something? tell me Johnnie.. Ive been nothing but kind to you and worried and thats how you pay me back, for gods sake im the only one communicating in this relationship”… I continue now starting to tear up “You have been ignoring me for this past month… We have been together for 2 years Johnnie… Why are you treating me like this? What the fuck did i do to you to deserve this?…” i wipe my tears “i dont deserve this…”

Johnnie stood there without saying a word, he looked sad, did he feel bad?

“Im….im sorry..” he starts walking towards me

“thats the only thing youre gonna say? youre not even going to give me a proper explanation?..” i looked pissed

“Ive been a complete fucking dick head… I shouldn’t have pushed you away..” he puts his hand on my cheek “I thought you were going to leave me..thats why i distanced myself..”

“why?…”

“i kept overthinking it.. i thought you deserved someone better than me and i freaked out and…completely fucked it all up..im so sorry y/n im… im a fucking idiot,, i wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to leave me i-“ i cut him off

“i dont want..to leave you..” it broke my heart he thought i wanted to leave him..how could i? he is the most important person in my life

he looks at me like he wants to cry too

“you dont deserve me…” he tears up

“johnnie dont say that…we will get through this,, okay? but only if theres communication babe… relationships cant work without communication” i get close to him as he nods

“youre right… im sorry..” he hugs me tight

“i love you so much “ i say as i began to tear up again, he takes my face with both of his hands and wipes my tears “i love you more…and again im so sorry ill make it up to you..” he kisses my forehead as i smile.

“wanna go out? go eat?” he asks me “can we just stay here and watch a movie?”i say as i look at him “of course princess, anything that you want” he kisses me.

Finally, it was all over, all those past days in pain,, they’re gone. It almost feels like i can finally breathe now…Me and Johnnie spent the night watching movies and cooking together, catching up since we barely spoke those past few days, it felt good, it felt right…

.

.

.

.

me right now after finishing this fanfic at 3 AM:

[tableintheteacherslounge]

Abbott Elementary S03E07 thoughts

Melissa having a spare room baring in mind we’ve seen her house feels fake sorry - How will she have a room mate but noone look at her pictures and keep control of her kitchen. I get its gonna be for plot but i don’t buy it

I’m w ava that’s a woman who just found out she’s not pregnant - that’s a woman who’s been successfully slutting it up (how’s she gonna slut it up with a roommate)

Omg protective barb 🥺 (ALSO BARBS RIGHT BC MEL WOULDNT GIVE OUT HER ADDRESS WILLINGLY)

AS SOON AS SHE SAID NERD I THOUGHT JACOB

“I know its gods will but hes gotten awfully creative” 😭😭😭😭😭

I love it when Mr johnson lore gets unlocked

Manny and the beard whew 😮‍💨 I was literally wondering where he was so I’m glad they’re using him again

Janine ur SO SMART this is such a good idea and not like a janine unnecessarily fixing a problem like an actual good idea- good job babygirl

Not ava spilling the tea to the whole room

Ponytail melissa at home is so personal to me, I love that this continues from s2, this is just who she is, she throws her hair up when she’s at home. I like that she’s wearing the eagles hoodie we’ve seen before too. Love the hair, makeup & costume details on this show

“I only know how to cook for 12” 😭

Finally mel talking about her breakup! Damn maybe it really was “im not bringing this to school” this whole time

Also Gary being a dead ringer for her dad?? I’m not saying my headcanons are more correct than the show but I disagree with this statement. Gary is not schemmenti coded.

Omg the jacob melissa work momming work sonning ive been dreaming of

“And dont forget theres a 3 booked limit 😒” barb is PISSED and i LOVE IT

“Oh i know what a google doctor is 😤”

Barb really is the best character on tv im sorry noone can do it like sheryl lee ralph like they just cant Shes everything

Janine forgetting the key term (pottery wheel) in her analogy she is so me

“Jacob if u dont like my ziti just say so and i will heave myself out that window” 😭😭

“I went to find mr johnson but he was still crying” NO 😭💔 hes just a sensitive guy 😔

“Mrs howard i blew down the house” 🥺🤏🏻 I love the kids being so central in this ep, I’ve missed that recently, and the kindergarteners are soooo cute

“🐷 I am a pig 🐺 i am a wolf 😄 and im a librarian who thinks she can just change everything around here 👋” IJBOL no please give sheryl another emmy I beg

“This programme is more of a distraction than an improvement” that’s teaaa actually. Thats so often what councils etc do, distract with new flashy things rather than fix the real problems. Even though in this case it’s well meaning it does make u think how big a priority should the library actually be? But actually children reading is super important and what did they say last season? The librarian was an alexa in glasses? 🤣

“You okay? You look like raven having a vision” 😭 you don’t understand how often i say this

I have thoughts on Barbara’s intentions and my instinct is gregory needs to keep her name out his mouth. I do think it’s really important that Janine stood up to Barbara, just maybe gregory made barbara seem worse than she was

“It’s been a rough week I could use the pick me up” i just love mr johnson

My immediate reaction was this one of my favourite episodes of the season - lots of excellent Barb moments, the kids, more mr johnson, story arcs I enjoyed and felt completed.

Janine standing up to Barbara was a really big deal for her considering her hatred of conflict and worship of barbara as a mother figure. It made me really proud to see how far janine has come.

But the longer since watching the less I like it. And it’s two main things:

- the jacob melissa room mate situation feels like jumping the shark for plots sake and not something realistic for those characters. So as much as I enjoy them and their dynamic and their growth it just feels fake.

- I dont care about the librarian. The set up feels like she could stick around and I just don’t care for new characters, I like my main people. (But then the same apprehension was had w the district people and they’ve not seemed to be around much).

I do still really like this ep and it definitely ranks highly in the season, just idk, some eps I enjoy more over time but this has made me feel more confused as to what will happen next I guess.

[narcissisticpdcultureis]

hi im anon from (734828727660412928/npd-culture-is-deciding-to-give-up-on-friendships?source=share) (hopefully that link works, I don't use tumblr often so I'm not sure how to go about following up asks on anon). just came back to read this blog during a really bad crash im having right now because it cheers me up to know im not alone in having symptoms of this disorder and saw my ask got posted...

(update on friend situation) just today they said in the group chat theyre all drawing gift art for each other and other friends... i'm still waiting on the paid art from them but they're doing art trades and stuff for free so i feel kind of like trash. im a bit of a bleeding heart though so im gonna give them like one more month before telling them not to bother finishing the art for me... id love my money back because it did cost a LOT of money but i dont want to be a dick so im just going to express my disappointment by telling them not to worry about the commission at all. i want to feel like i have some right to be mad in this situation but im very soft hearted and dont really have any other friends so if i lost these friends id have literally nobody else in my life :( and that kinda feels like hell for me to think about... i feel like im being treated like dirt but im still going to go christmas shopping for them.............. even if i feel like shit, i feel shittier if i dont get people gifts and stuff because i just think to myself, like, "i feel like crap if nobody buys me shit for holidays or my fucking own birthday and i dont want other people to feel that way".....

also im feeling a little sad because whenever my friends talk about their friends they dont even refer to me by name theyll go "[friend a name], [friend b name] and oomfie are in our server" or something. im not even a name to them... i feel like the last kid picked on a team but not even the last pick. like have you guys ever been on a sports team and you kinda got awkwardly waved over to one of the teams because nobody even wanted to pick you? yeah.

i wonder if im just really dense and need to pick up on hints that people dont even want to be around me. i even tried to post this video game i started working on lately because i thought it was really interesting and cool and i put my soul into it but everyone just ignored it in the group chat.

i think the social outcast route is probably my best bet at this rate, i think. im going to be pretty fucking depressed about limiting my social interactions but i think the depression from isolation isnt as bad as getting constant narc crashes from people not putting even a tiny bit of energy into friendships. like.. i honestly am not asking for very much. i get fucking narc highs if someone uses my fucking name in a conversation. i get highs from literally the bare minimum fucking interaction of anything directed in my direction im so desperate....

i wasnt going to write up a follow up ask but i just wanted to say thanks to this blog for existing and making me feel like im not completely alone and thanks for the nice comments in the reblogs and tags, it cheered me up. you guys are really nice to me and i'm a complete stranger to you all, it makes me feel like theres some hope for nice people existing out there. im just a little too tired to carry on. thank you all, i hope you have a really good day. keep on surviving out there, it's not a kind world to any of us, and it's tough to stay alive at all.

(apologies for another vent but thanks for posting my asks <3 i wish you all the best and nice days to come. also sorry this isnt in the npd culture format, but i just rly wanted to say thank you for the support on the other ask)

sending hugs (with consent) nonny 🫂 i'm so sorry honestly you deserve way better than how your friends are treating you :( i hope at some point you can talk to them about how they're making you feel and improve the situation because it sounds like you deserve better

[droppingartintotheinfinite]

little fic/poem thingy i did about dave and bro

-

TG: i keep thinking about you

TG: its stupid i know

TG: youd call me stupid over it too

TG: sneer or sigh or some shit so id know how goddamn disappointing i am to you your would be knight raised and trained to be a hero given every opportunity to live up to you and endlessly fucking it up failing at it harder than i probably wouldve at school if you let me go to one

TG: but you gave me so much shit its all piled up in my head a big ol mountain of fecal matter flies buzzing around it and that many flies are fucking loud ok i can barely fucking hear myself think in here

TG: and i gotta get it all out somehow and tossing it into the infinite void of your goddamn inbox like yesterdays garbage or me in a spar with you when theres stairs nearby seems about as likely to work as any other thing

TG: so

TG: i think

TG: actually

TG: fuck this is hard

TG: i

TG: i kind of hate you sometimes, bro

TG: and i

TG: god

TG: fuck it you know what

TG: here ill ironically rap it

TG: i coulda been a poet man

TG: i coulda been a star

TG: and instead here we are here i stand the last will and testament of a dead fucked up broken little man

TG: you musta thought you were god cuz you put me up on the cross

TG: every damn day but im not jesus im just bleeding freely from these fucking holes you cut into my palms

TG: or maybe you thought he was god or it was just a semi ironic nod to a mythos you knew was wrong or it was just your note to play in sburbs shit song

TG: damn thing went on and on

TG: the chorus was my death or maybe that was the melody and the chorus was my endless panting breaths a medley of exhaustion left me huffing puffing never able to catch my breath never able to find a fucking end to that heady rush of deadly bloodshed dripping steady

TG: was it your will or his will that led in letting my blood spill bloodletting red spilling all over the floor hands blistered raw desperately gripping onto that fucking sword

TG: holding tight like it was a lifeline like i was ever gonna win a fight against you like if i just tried harder cried harder id somehow come out fine like being a hero of time ever meant anything but a shitty corpseparty conga line

TG: like i didnt wonder some days if youd give a fuck if i fucking died

TG: and god bro i didnt hate you for the crime of making me john technically created me but youre the one who brick by brick laid out the shape of me cut me like a gemstone to get the grade of me

TG: always a failing grade never a pass maybe you always knew id be a failure at this class for all it was supposedly made for me maybe they all knew and i was the last to understand that my dumb ass never woulda had a chance

TG: sorry if im being a little crass but i learned it from you because you taught me everything i knew and everything i know too i know im too much of a screwup failout dropout loser to live up to you

TG: thats the lesson you taught me best the message you drilled again and again into my head and its the one that sticks with me now youre dead and gone all these texts left unread whether theyre sitting in your inbox or bouncing around in my head

TG: youre a hero and im a pawn and maybe im wrong but that seems a little fucked up a little messed up kind of a not great thing to tell your son

TG: and it took me so goddamn long to understand that

TG: for the truth to dawn on me that it wasn’t wrong of me not to wanna play along to the song he wrote for me the one thats broken me the one you sung for him so loyally all along

TG: did you want the best for me when you took a sword to the chest for me or was that just another test for me you faced down death for me and lost and sometimes i wonder if you loved the rest of me or any of me and all this thinkings gonna be the death of me but i cant stop

TG: i feel like im gonna pop all these thoughts bouncing round and round my head like rubber fucking balls and they call me a god but im just a shitty kid in shitty pajamas and what are the odds ive ever earned a nod like that applause like that a cause like that and god, bro

TG: it was fucked up

TG: what you did to me was fucked up

TG: you arent even a real ghost but yours wont fucking leave me alone no matter how many times i tell myself youre gone

[tuxedokit-thoughts]

i want to kill myself

im not going to, but mom says i should write my feelings out. says itll help me feel better

and. i mean. i know its worked before. i have this whole thing to prove it

see even just tryping that much helped a little. at least enough that ny urges are back in the harm territory and not in yhe kill territory. which isnt great. but. yknow. ill take what i can get? i guess?

i dont know anymore. it feels like theres this gaping hole in my chest, and everything i have and everything i am is just pouring and pouring and pouring out of it until there is nothing. i dont want to be nothing.

but maybe it would be easier than this

i hardly got out of bed today. i didnt get dressed, i only ate because my brother was so gracious as to bring me a bowl of canned chicken noodle soup. he put a little rosemary in it, "to make it fancy," he said. it wasnt perfection, but it was the best goddamn soup i had ever tasted in that moment. he used the last clean bowl for it. its his favourite too, a kirby themed ramen bowl with holes for chopsticks and everything.

chicken noodle isnt even my favourite soup. fi think its just. how loved i felt? when he carried that bowl into our cramped little room from our cramped little living room.

i was standing like. an hour ago? and he asked me to try to clean a bowl for him. (he does all the household chores, save for dishes. we both hate them, but i can barely do shit else, so one really shitty chore is better than a mountain of decent ones)

i took one look at our sink, so full of dirty shit you can hardly see the faucet, and i tyrned around and let myself fall limp, face first on my bed.

i put the blanket over my feet, so that if he came in he wouldnt have to see them (even the thought of feet disgusts him, i think)

he did come in, but i dont think he realized how hard it had been for me to even do that. i think all he saw was a whiny, ungrateful, pathetic mound of flesh under a blanket. someone so useless it couldnt even clean a single bowl for him without falling apart.

i heard him clean his own bowl. i have never felt so guilty for doing absolutely fucking nothing.

he already puts up with so much shit from me. im a drug addicted, mentally unstable, sorry excuse for a person.im trying, god im trying so fucking hard, but every day is harder than the last, it seems.

still. he deserves better than this.i dont know why he bothers.

... i keep finding myself scratching my cat scratches from earlier today. it stings. i feel like i deserve it.

i know thats not true. but honestly? scratching at my hand and wrist is better than actually doing something, right? its just a sting on fresh skin. no blood, no fresh wounds. just the pain thats already there. just poking at my bruises so i feel something other than this crushing despair

god. i cant believe i said that. i mean thats a totally normal thing to say in a crisis. ive just soiled my mind with references and medias and now i cant be normal about anything haha

anyway

uh

yeah.

...

i still hate myself. but. i guess this helped me stop crying as much? i dont know. i dont know anything anymore

thats not true

i know my wrist hurts. like a cat scratch, it stings on the back, mostly because thats what it was, at first. from where both my cats claws and my own found themselves digging into my skin, i can feel a bump when i glide my finger over it. and every time the pain gets too dull, too quiet, i let my nail return to its little groove and pull, just for a moment.

i know my heart hurts. like i have been carved open, my contents unceremoniously dumped on the floor. my blood spills out on the floor over my organs and my thoughts, and as i try to clean it up the lead in my veins says stop. and so i lay there, on the ground, next to the contents of the person i have become. it is all blackened by tar and resin.

i know that every breath i have taken today has felt like a chore. like slogging out of bed at 5:45 in the morning to get ready for school, knowing i wont learn shit because all my energy will be focused on holding myself together, or at least keeping myself from shattering altogether. ill just slog through another page of the textbook, wondering why i bothered when i couldve just stayed home.

i know i am loved. even if i dont feel it. even if i dont deserve it.

i know i never had a choice in any of this

...

i know that. for now. ill keep dragging myself out of bed. keep breathing. scratch my wrist so i dont cut it.

and maybe tomorrow ill apologize to everyone whos had to put up with me

{16/11/2023}

[pumpkzsafeplace]

// Vent :( //

I seriously cant do this. Im so done with it and its so stupid cause i just cant fricking clean my room. It's SO stupid too!! One mention of it and i start practically bawling cause it just reminds me of how messed up me and my life is. My family constantly tries to "motivate" me but it does the exact opposite. My mom KNOWS it messes me up but she just cant take that into account. She keeps going at it, telling me i NEED to do it and i get it, i DO need to do it but its so DIFFICULT?? And its so stupid. It's JUST cleaning my room?? But its so hard and i cant do it cause its so overwhelming and everything about it is too. And i cant even explain it. But it sucks so bad cause i dont even have any way to "escape" so im stuck with crying in my room as silently as i can because of stupid stuff my family says. They barely even know it, i think. And i just feel so alone. Cause theres no one to back me up. And i cant do it myself. I try to tell them i jusg CANT but thry always take it as some sort of joke but im not ever joking. and i can pretend to be a small little child with no responsibilities as much as i want but i cant even tell about it to anyone so does it REALLY work?

Sorry

Im crying again lol

- 🐻‍❄️

─•~❉᯽❉~•─

hihi lil bug’ 🌼

i'm so sorry this is happening to you love :<

it sounds like you're really struggling <3.

i just want to start off & say that this is completely normal and it is not your fault. this happens to be a lot and can be so mentally draining it's insane.

something that helps me is telling myself that my feelings and meltdowns are normal and it's something that i can't control, i need to just co-excist with them. once i've done that, i will mentally plan out days to clean (which sounds a bit bizarre, but trust me).

so with me, if i haven't planned that specific day to be cleaning- i physcially can't clean. and if i'm burnt out, i'll just watch that mess get bigger and bigger- still i'm brought to tears & have a meltdown.

what helps me is youtube or goto music & a schedule.

i chose a time when the house is quiet or daddy is busy doing something else, i put on my comfort youtubers & i just schedule the place i'm cleaning into segments & just tackle those segments day by day.

the comments are going to continue unfortunally but what i want you to do is go in you room, cry and let out your fustration for a litle while, then do some breathing exercises. remind yourself that you're okay, you're not a freak, you can do this and clean your small segment for the day <3.

families for some reson, tend not to notice how badily we're struggling until it's too late,so to prevent that i'll be here to help and support you- okay? you've got this, i promise.

just small segmant & comfort music and videos <3.

big big BIG hugs from me, i hope you feel better soon love <3

-🍰

[khaleesiofalicante]

now welcome to the usual commentary with my weird sense of humour

The little thing, which had been screaming and crying till now, immediately goes quiet in Alec’s arms.

i love how in every universe baby whisperer alec is canon

A cherry red suit.

A red suit with a baby blue shirt on the inside, the blue material just peeking out in the middle. It’s all very teasing.

i have the feeling its this one right alskjdkjkjkj he doesnt wear the hardness because alec already lost his mind during the photoshoot Magnus didn't need to lose his too

Alec’s blue eyes widen. Magnus sees him clench his fists to the side, his eyes moving up and down. Slowly. They look at the blue glitter on the chest, peeking through the lapels of the red jacket. Then they travel further down, at Magnus’ bare legs.

hes doing this for the hoe (alec and us) i know it

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, why don’t you fuck off?” Magnus asks, the anger spilling out of him. “Don’t fucking talk about power when all you’ve done is abuse it to make people feel miserable. And don’t you ever fucking threaten my husband again. Alec is going to become the governor and he is going to serve the people of this state better than you ever could. Make your peace with it or fuck off.”

He grabs Alec’s hand and walks out of the mansion angrily.

no sorry for my behavior but angry!magnus is hot, yeah i said what i said, protecting his husband and all that, sue me

Max is wearing a bright orange shirt and red t-shirt inside and green shorts and a purple scarf – and then a red cap for some reason.

fashion icon

Of course, that’s why he looks so beautiful and soft.

Maybe he wanted to look young and soft and pretty for her.

Of course.

SCREECHING HALT FREEZE FRAME AUDIENCE SCREAMING BOOING DROPPING POPCORN TO THE FLOOR magnus are you seeing this shit how the fuc-

He doesn’t know what to fucking do now.

a mood honestly

“I, uh, I miss the Chairman,” Alec says instead.

“Oh,” Magnus says.

is this what i think it is is this what do i detect a tablespoon no a can of pining????!! in this economy?!?!?! unbelievable

Alec pulls back first.

Because he knows if he doesn’t now, he never will.

Because he knows, it will hurt – just a little – if Magnus pulls back first.

um????? emotional maturity??? and angst??? in this household????

“I was wondering if you could tell me how to navigate this,” Alec asks. “I want the skills. But I don’t think I’m ready to go to therapy just yet. I...I don't want to do it alone. But I want to work on myself to help my family. So…what do I do?”

*wake up from nap* alec lightwood just sprout something very him and very mature and thoughtful for his family again i cant sleep because of that bitch honestly

“Because helping Magnus meant I would be helping more than one person,” Luca smiles. “I knew it the moment I met him. He is the kind of person who gives as much as he takes. I knew everything I give him, he will give to someone else. That’s the best kind of client. The one who doesn’t just grow but helps other people grow with him.”

oh OH OHHOHOHO

“I think there is very little Magnus wouldn’t do for you,” Luca points out, his face solemn. 

except for eating raisins i dont think theres any more limitation

“You said you missed him,” Magnus says, holding Chairman Meow in his hands. "Here. You can keep him."

what did i just say

“Oh, this is temporary,” Magnus says immediately. “I want him back.”

let this be foreshadowing let this be foreshadowing let this be foreshadowing- this may not be foreshadowing for magnus wanting alec back but i badly want it to be hhggghhhhhh

“Just when I think I know you, you always find a new way to surprise me,” Magnus smiles. “Don’t stop, okay?”

*chuck down this sentence into my brain like im dying and this is water* love this need this obsess over it

song rec: how to get the girl by ts. go get your alexander magnus. i dont idk i respect your decision but it would be cool if you do

OMG NOT THE COLLAR THING (tis sexy tho rip alec)

Thank you! I loved this!

Also I'm vibing to TS in this powercut while fighting mosquitoes so thanks for the rec!!!!! (I'll pass it to alec :P )

[b0mblover]

.

By: J

major tw; minor ed/ weight loss mention,

the absolute biggest tw for suicide, really just probably dont read this at all if youre suicidal, or prone to it, or uh really just not good in the slighest,

i uh, talk about in detail ways i could kill myself, really, i don’t recommend reading this unless like, you need a refrence on how highly suicidal people speak 💀

ah but srsly, probably dont read this for your own sake, im basically venting on alt, but like, not poetically in the slighest, theres only so many ways a guy can rephrase wanting to kill himself without being direct kay?

uh, probably dont worry abt this, i uh, even if i /did/ try to kms id probably survive, dont put that much faith into me

ok nvm irl i just spilled my goddamn penrice im gonna actually kms this is my breaking point (hard joke)

ugvfnd god im so sorry for writi g this and postint it, i cant do the whole keeping my feelings to myself anymore, its awful.

CHOEKS imagine this is jiro nitos suicide note or smth and critize it I DONT KNOW 😭 please laugh, im trying to hard to deflect from how awful i feel.

i urge to you turn back and not read this.

-from this point on, i am not responsible for how anyone interprets this/does because of this, you have been warned, this is the writer venting and being highly suicidal, no one is forcing you to read this. if you cannot deal with this, then dont read it, im not responsable for how others react to my writing, for your own sake. again, you have been warned-

i apologize for writing this.

words are escaping me at the moment.

ill probably be fine.

im human in the end.

something we all can agree on.

every sign points to it.

it is in the end correct.

but now,

i question if im even enough to deserve the title.

my anger is consuming me over nothing.

at the same time.

i feel so numb.

my throat feels tight.

like im going to cry.

my vision is blurry.

and yet.

as always.

i cant.

i wont.

im tired of the “sympathy” 

someone like me doesnt deserve it

i dont deserve it.

i dragged myself into this hell.

and im not getting myself out.

i said that the next time i fucked up i would kill myself.

here we are.

still- annoyingly- alive.

i dont know if ill try.

i dont feel.

scared.

to try.

pills, a noose, drowning, gunshot, razor blades, 

i know about every way to kill myself

i have about every way to kill myself

and yet

im still here.

alive.

my noose, sits beside my on the door, id have to move my chair, get a stool,

the last time i tried it didnt break,

and ive lost around 10 pounds, i know it wouldnt break, i know it would work, but as last time, it took too long, i got bored, ‘came to my senses’

the pills on the table, i know of at least three medications in them that would kill me, not to mention the combinations, but, i cant normally swallow pills well, i usually end up gagging, plus, getting your stomach pumped is really costy,

the water would be, rather easy i believe, ive only tried it once, but, after she tried to do that, i dont know if i could even force myself underwater, even to kill myself,

the gun that resides on that same table, it works, i have two bullets that fit it, no more, no less, i know it still works perfectly, granted being older than me, it probably would be my best chance, but, i - well, i cant say i remember the parts to shoot that are vital, thatll finish the job, and i really rather not waste my bullets and money on surviving,

the razor blades on my desk, everywhere, the black letters on the box reading “do it” only feels more like a calling, but, even when i try to cut deeper, i almost never can unless on accident, no matter how hard i seem to press- no matter how quickly i do it, i can never seem to get past the first layer of skin, 

i, really- really dont know what to do,

i said id attempt, i fucked up, im tired of people seeing this awful side of me, but when thats almost all you have left of what you can barely even call ‘you’. 

the only way i see my life going.

is ending.

weather the original plan,

suicide,

an accident,

i know in the end im destined to kill or get myself killed.

i truly don’t believe that ill die of anythint “natural” unless you consider jumping off a roof natural.

in a way, i want to listen to what she says,

to give up on art, become a scientist.

i know its not even possible,

its just my own sense of punishing myself, because the mental pain of knowing that i shouldve died years ago stings so much more than my arms ever will, hurting myself, barely hurts, and i know that the only person that it would hurt from- wont. 

even if i were to beg, plead, i know they wont.

its almost june.

i 

i dont really think i want to live to then,

im 

im scared that last year will repeat itself,

i dont know if its rightful,

but i want to get out of their life,

i dont want them to suffer like they did,

i dont want anyone to suffer besides myself.

and.

i believe that taking care of me.

is suffering.

therefore.

the only thing i feel i can do.

is leave.

i dont want to leave.

i want to stay with them.

but.

im horrified that ill fuck up again.

and no one needs to deal with that.

besides.

people get bored of others.

move on.

i seem to always be the only one who cant.

i know how illogical i sound.

i know that.

but to me it makes perfect sense.

its clear.

im so sorry.

[eeveekitti]

gngjngnjfkndnkdkd sorry to all my followers i just. i have literally fucking nowhere to put this and nobody to talk to about it since its really fucking late so.

really long vent warning below the cut sorry

ughhhh im fucking. im so mad at myself. i just. i cant keep doing this i cant keep fucking up and losing everyone i care about because i cant keep my stupid mouth shut

its always some misunderstanding or some shit where ive already apologized and i dont get why its still happening or why i had to be the center of negative attention all of a sudden

ive already lost every friend i had twice. i cant. i cant take this again. one small disagreement and i cant fucking take it i cant talk to anyone anymore theyre all gonna hate me because i had to walk away unnanounced and shut the fuck up so i could just calm down

i cant be less than perfect. i cant mess up. because when i do everyone leaves me. i dont feel safe anymore. i didnt respond when someone was mad because i was on the verge of a fucking breakdown and it just made everything worse

its a trauma response i know its trauma i know i have that and it fucks with my brain daily one disagreement over something as small as character designs shouldnt fuck me up so bad ive been holding in a full mental breakdown for hours now fucking hours

they all hate me now i know they do. i may as well just leave before it all comes crashing down for real. if im gonna lose absolutely everyone all over again for a third time in a row it might as well be on my own terms.

why cant i just be perfect why do i have to make mistakes why does nobody take sorry and leave it why does everyone have to make everything so much worse than it had to be why has this happened to me three times three fucking times right when i feel comfortable and safe and happy everything gets wrenched from my hands all over again

i can barely even see what im typing theres too many tears in my eyes i hate myself so much i hate that this happens to me why is this happening to me why does this have to happen to me why cant i just finally be happy for once

im sorry to anyone who sat through and read that. i know nobody did but. im sorry anyway. i dont want to burden anyone more than i have already. thats why i put this all in a fucking tumblr post. i just cant tell anyone any of this without being a horrible burden.

[amakumos]

the thing is i feel so stupid still going on about it bc … theres no update theres still nothing 😭😭😭

and p much all of my friends have gotten to the point where it’s like ‘he’s stupid !!! his loss !!! fuck him u deserve better ❗️’ like girl i even told one of the teachers who was on the trip that he’s still not replied and she was like ‘maybe it’s time to get over him’ 😭😭 so thats why i dont wanna go back ranting to my friends bc they’ll just be like ‘he wasn’t worth it anyway stop thinking abt him’ 🥲

and i know ‘getting over him’ sounds a bit silly bc there wasn’t much there to get over in the first place but ig i have been ‘getting over him’ in the sense that i’ve been feeling way better this past week than i was before and i’m not thinking abt him as much or checking his insta as much anymore (i still checked if he was in my recent story views tho and 🙃 he wasn’t ofc)

but idk yesterday randomly a wave of … idk what feeling but the FEELS just hit me yesterday and i was like dang :/ do i actually want him to reply or do i just miss being able to talk abt him and theorise about him to my friends 😭

bc at this point idek if i would even want a reply??? like i had to ask myself is it a crush or was it just a holiday fling (if u can even call it that bc barely anything happened 😭)

i can’t even answer that question bc yes i did find him attractive and charming in the few minutes i spoke to him and the maybe,,, six hours i saw him for?? so i barely know him enough to even crush on him but at the same time not just any guy would affect me this much if u get what im saying? like if i didnt have some sort of interest/feelings i wouldn’t be this bothered by it yk?

i just can’t afford to be stressed over a boy when i have exams coming up so if, by some miracle, he did reply… there’s a chance that reply comes during my exam season and idk how i’d even begin to deal with that 🥲 like as of right now it’s not too bad, i can concentrate on college just fine bc there’s nothing from him but if there WAS a response my brain would be absolutely frazzled 🫠

this was a lot longer than i anticipated i am so sorry but ty for letting me get this out 😭🫶🏼

i Literally understand EXACTLY how u feel rn bc i did not get one last chance to shoot my shot at lulu guy bc he wasn’t here today ☹️ and i feel like . when someone shows that they might be a little into you i think it’s normal that we overthink it quite a lot ?? i think you might just wanna get to know him a bit better because like you said nothing rlly happened ,, and maybe ure disappointed that u think that u don’t rlly have a chance to get to know him better ??? (at least that is me with the lulu guy .. and i still don’t know his name LMFAOOOO) but i think it’s normal to want a reply or wanna talk more if someone leaves a rlly strong and lasting impression on you !! and maybe u want a reply cuz u want some sort of closure cuz it all ended sort of abruptly??? i don’t know exactly everything abt it but if i met some guy and we were kinda talking and it all stopped out of the blue i would want some sort of response to tell me to not keep having false hope ?? i think that’s better than being ghosted tbh ,,, like i’ll be sad for a bit but then it’s easier to get over it bc ure not waiting for anything else to happen ?? and if there was a response from him tbh i would make him wait (considering how long he made you wait) but i feel like it’s probably best to not hold out hope (IM SORRY IF THATS UPSETTING) but if he replies then great! and if he doesn’t then that’s okay cuz it’s his loss anyways <3

[mothbeasts]

Hit another point where it's just like. Okay I really just cannot make myself care about these assignments and I hate it

[frenchtoastie]

ugh

[hitoshisbabygirl]

Authors Notes ♡: WHEW I LOVED THIS I had a time trying to come up with an idea and then it hit me : a princess being saved by fantasy au! Dabi. I’m still nervous with my smuts but heh I enjoyed this a whole bunch to write . Dabi is my favorite villain and I just love him so much, I tried to make him a soft inside and hard outside man in this , I Had fun for our free for all collab and I hope I help give it just a fun twist to fantasy and Halloween spirit ~ I hope you enjoy reading this and much as I did writing it ~ bunny ❥

Warnings :UH NSFW! Demon dabi has two dick (and their thick) , pet names, unprotected sex , a tad bit of a size kink? , a bit fluffy at the end but I think that’s it!

Word count : about 2k give or take!

Paring(s) :Dabi x F! Reader

Even with this being NSFW I had to make it a soft fluffy ending I’m sorry ♡

———————————————————————

Enchanted flames

Dabi

“If you have found this letter the Princess of Yuei needs your help. Meet me in the Enchanted Woods tomorrow night. Ill escape with you if you can save me from the proposed wedding - Princess [ ]”

With a sigh [. ] dropped the letter out of her window hoping someone, anyone , could save her from the doom that awaited her from an arranged marriage that had been planned from her kingdom to be to the neighboring ones prince, a smaller and very...purple hot headed boy by the name of Mineta who was unsavory for a lack of words. Sighing as she watched the paper fall she secretly wished her type of prince would come save her from this hell she expected.

As the night approached she slipped past her guards, telling them she was going out for air in her garden. The two towering men who looked down at her agreed, moving at the way to let the young woman past them and out into the halls, her dress dragging behind her as she headed out the giant doors to her garden. Taking in a breath she climbed over the perfectly managed hedges andddd off into the forest adjacent to the castle, roaming through the woods to her chosen spot to hopefully meet someone who could save her.

“Hello there little sheep, you called for help, correct?” A low, raspy voice called out as [ ] turned around , looking into the dark abyss in front of her. “ Hello? Helloooo? Who's there?” the girl called out as she heard something heavy land behind her. Turning to her right she saw bright blue eyes look back at her from the shadows. Before she could react a rather warm hand covered her mouth as the person or thing dragged her throughout the woods , the two of them slipping into the night. As soon as [ ] woke up her eyes adjusted to a dark but brightly lit and beautiful chasm, cyan and turquoise crystals of all types surrounded the room as she felt intense heat from everywhere around her. Standing up on shaky legs she felt eyes on her from behind. Letting out a deep breath she turned only to run into a barely covered chest.

Looking up from the revealed purple and pale skin , she saw those same blue eyes , lit with curiosity. “Ah you're awake..welcome little sheep to my...well..living quarters” The mystery man spoke as [ ] blinked at him, a grin spreading over his face as he continued to speak “Well i guess the princess doesnt know she isn't in her little castle anymore. Haven't those guards of yours realized they can't leave royalty alone or guys like me come along and take them out of their cute little homes” He said as [ ] gave him a suspicious look , her own thoughts taking over her face as a sense of calm rested over her features “Ohhh so you're the one who found my note..” She said as he gave her an unreadable look , soon walking away to leave the girl in her own world. “I guess he did” she thought to herself as she heard the male come back, a pile of things in his hands. “Here; a change of clothes and something to eat. I tried to be gentle taking you out of those dreaded castle grounds and through the woods but your dress isnt the smallest thing in the world” he said as [ ] let out a giggle , picking up the dark shirt and skirt he had given her along with the meal : some type of rice and meat with soup. Before she could ask the man answered “No i didnt steal it, i told you this is my home , its only natural id have something in this god forsaken place to eat.” He said as he pointed down the cave. “Theres a waterfall ahead if youd like to freshen up there.” And with that [ ] walked down the empty carved walls, finding the waterfall he was talking about.

Once she was finished getting cleaned and dressed she headed back the way she went, seeing the male now cloaked in a dark cape , fiddling with a pile of wood before setting it ablaze with a bright blue flame. “Ah i see you're finished , ILl be heading out , i'm gonna find us some more wood so you don't get cold. Theres a pot over there where you can reheat your food and get more if you like.” As he finished he proceeded to get up and head down another pathway, presumingly to the opening of the chasm “Wait!” [ ] called out as he stopped, turning to the girl with a questioning look back at her. “Yes princess?” he responded to her as she felt a unnatural wave of heat spreading to her face from simply calling her by her actual title. “What can I call you? And how long will you be gone?” She questioned. “Aw are you worried about me?” He cooed as she puffed out her cheeks “I was just curious” She lashed back as the male in front of her laughed , giving her a crooked smile. “ The names Dabi, and i won't be gone too long, an hour or so” Dabi said, giving her a smile as he started to leave again.

“Oh yeah , and there's a spare jacket in the back if you get too cold or that fire goes out.” and with that he left [ ] by herself as she finished up the dinner he had made which was exceptionally good, even better than what she tended to have at the castle. While she waited around for dabi to come back , [ ] looked at her royal dress, the red and pinks making her want to revolt as she pushed the fluffy tooled pile up into a blanket of sorts, covering her legs as she sat there thinking about her predicament “I really ran away...but what else can you do when youre gonna be married off to someone years older than you for land and alliance” she thought with a sigh as footsteps came from behind her , Dabi pulling his hood from his head as he smiled to himself at the girl in front of him “Im back princess” He declared as she turned to him, giving him a small smile as she stood up, dusting off her dress , coming up to Dabi “So...whatcha find?” She started as he pulled the bag from behind him , dumping out different goodies for the two of them. An array of food, wood and fresh buckets for water collections. “Here, this is for you too” Dabi said as he passed her a well woven balck dress, better than the two piece he had first given her. Taking in a deep breath he spoke up “I didn't want you to struggle with rags , so i got you something a little more comfortable and well...suitable for a run away princess” and with that she looked up to him and giggled which was heaven to his ears. ‘Why thank you Dabi..i'm flattered” [ ] said as she took the black dress , running to a hidden corner to change as Dabi smirked “Oh boy..what have i signed myself up for”

Weeks later and multiple posters for the lost princess later, [ ] had a rhythm living with Dabi. They cooked together and he left out to get things from shops ans out in the woods. Word spread that the princess had been stolen and the ugly grape himself had put a reward out for her safe return. Unknown to everyone she was quite content with the dark demon mage Dabi and his home in the woods. He explained the chasm as his work space, a place he could hone in on working with his flames and different elixirs that people needed. He was a half breed of human and demon, his father ridding of him to hide his affair with an otherworldly being, to keep the peace of his people and the overworld people as well. He really wasn’t a bad man, just someone who stayed in the shadows and kept to himself. And [. ] ‘s heart went out to him, as his did out to hers as she explained her own situation. ”Well damn sweetheart at least i saved you hm?” Dabi said as the two of them laughed together about their lives and what they'd like to change.

As the night drew on and they had their fair share of drinks and food that night “Thank you Dabi..for everything” [ ] said randomly as they relaxed by the fire he had started , [ ] wrapped into the oversized fur Dabi made her as the male laid against a log watching the tired girl mumble to him. She gave him a sleepy smile once he put his warmed hand on her face. “You're cute yknow...i'm not gonna let anyone get to you okay?” He said as she shook her head, moving herself closer to him , laying her head on his lap as he rubbed her head until she fell asleep, him soon realizing he was in love with the rogue princess in his lap.

As the next month rolled around , the princess and her demon mage had started a loving relationship, the two of them growing fonder and fonder of eachother. [ ] noticed that Dabi had tried avoiding being around her when she was fresh from the shower or even roaming too close behind her, he even took more time to come home with more ingredients or even sleep opposite to her. She didn't understand the switch from wanting to hold and hug her to avoiding her all day. One day she was able to catch and trap him with her. “Yes princess…?” Dabi ased as [ ] crossed her arms around her chest , the simple movement making him turn from her. “Did I..do something…?” She asked, her eyes bouncing between his as the turquoise she learned to love ignited with heat.

”Oh no doll...you haven't done a thing but make me want you even more..”

And with that comment her eyes widened. “What..?” She questioned. And with that Dabi picked the smaller girl up, pinning her to a crystal wall as she gasped, wrapping her arms around his neck.”Dabi…….?” [ ] called out as he started to kiss her neck ,running his rougher hands up the soft flesh of her thighs. “I think i'm in love with you doll..youve been invading my head or a while and all i can think about is making your cute little body want me the burning way i want you...I wanna make you cry out for me all night long...make you mines forever.....is that okay?” He whispered in her ear. With a shudder she agreed , letting him kiss the swells of her brest as he gave her a lopsided smile, picking her up and taking her to a pile of pelts and wool they made into a bedroom to rest in. Placing her down lightly he towered her , taking off his vest to reveal his toned and scarred body “Youre quite a beauty yknow...im glad you trust me…” He said with a smile as [ ] herself smashed her lips against his, cutting off his mushy talk. With a groan he pushed her dress up , letting her breast bounce out from the top. Pulling away from the kiss she helped him take off the dress over her head. With a shy smile [ ] covered ehrslf and laid back, spreading her legs lightly to expose her glistening lips to him

“Well damn, i havent even toughed you yet and youre this wet..what a little slut you are”

He growled out as he leaned back over to give her a kiss , pulling her lower lip as he licke dhis was down between her legs, giving her clit a hard suck as she whinned , closing her legs over his head as he slurped away at her pussy, making sure to watch her through hooded eyes, a tail whipping from behind him as a pair of horns appeared from atop his head, one mangled and cracked the other long and curled “Surprise” Dabi called out as his voice dropped octaves, it coming out as a low rumble as [ ] felt her walls clench at the sound , a chuckle coming from him. Going back to slurping and sucking on her labia and clit , Dabi watch with glee as the gilr under him started to shake, her hips rolling back to his mouth as he bit lightly down on her lips and pulled away from her , laughing at her pleas and whimpers “Turn sound baby and let me show you how much i love you” Dabi said , watching as [ ] rolled over arching her hips back as he smacked her ass, loving the moan she let out. Pulling down his pants he pulled his throbbing member out, rubbing it hard against her clit as she felt her heart jumped at the feeling of how thick he was. All of a sudden she felt hands pull her cheeks apart as a finger rub around the tight rings of her ass. With a gasp she looked back to see not one but two swinging dicks between the burning up male, a feral look in his eyes as he let a low rumble come from his chest “ Sorry babygirl..when I change there's more than just one of me to deal with, i promise i'll be gentle” He said as he rubbed her tight muscles just loose enough to put in the tip, her lower lips drooling as he slid his true size into her throbbing walls, moans and grunts tearing through the chasm as he pulled his hips back , starting to set a rhythm to his hips. While he picked up the pace, [ ] felt herself being full as the two dicks of his stuffed her. She could help the feeling of her walls getting tighter as she came once then twice and not once did Dabi stop, he laughed as he gave her more and more , pushing himself deeper in her as he let out what sounded like a howl of pain as he doubled in pace, reaching down to rub her clit as she screamed, soon feeling a hot and warm gooey feeling flood her senses. Dabi slowed his hips down as he pulled himself from her ass first, then from her pussy and cum started to leak from her holes.

“Shit...im sorry princess I didnt mean to go so rough…” Dabi breathed out as [ ] turned around giving him hr own lopsided smile as she saw him transform backto himself, those turquoise eyes softening as he saw the woman he had fallen for spent out from his own actions. “Geez when you said you were a demon i didnt think it was true…” She laughed as he scratched th back of his neck “Ive never transformed like this around someone….especially during sex but that means I trust you a lot….well doll..let me clean you up and then...we can go fro round two hm?” He smirked as he watched her pussy clench and relase more cum once he said that. “Mhm...clean me Dabi then we can have some more fun..”

[tobioslune]

liquid courage

Paring: Iwaizumi Hajime x gn!reader

Genre : fluff, comfort? college au kinda, best friends to lovers, mutual pining, Iwaizumi being soft and a simp

Warnings? : implied drinking, (aged up), cursing (from the lyrics), a little smooch 

a/n: This is a draft i started in january but things happened that made me leave it for about like four months lol (if u wanna know what happened while i was writing this you can read it here lol also you could see how i wrote / continued writing it here ) but! im finally finished and im pretty proud of it even though its lowkey all over the place :>> please do check out the song bc it slaps and it’s really good lol okay that’s all for now hope you enjoy <3 (last notee: likes and reblogs are really appreciated!!)

▶ now playing : drunk - dijon 

You and Iwaizumi have been close friends since highschool, and feelings may have been caught during that time. With the reason of not wanting to ruin the relationship you’ve built with him, you tried to brush it off. And like every other trope where you fall for your best friend you expected that he wouldn’t feel the same way.

Surprisingly both of you ended up going to the same university, and you were able to hang out and keep in touch with each other. Everytime you think you’ve set those feelings aside, whenever some romantic tension presents itself, it bubbles up inside all over again. Like an annoying weed that keeps coming back no matter how hard you try to get rid of it. 

School and other work has been pressing on you for the past few months and you just keep getting into a slump. No matter how hard you try, you find yourself in the same place you were over and over again. Iwaizumi noticed this and really tried his best to help but he’s also caught up with a ton of things. 

O baby, I’m lonely and I’m fucked up by myself

 Could uu come here?!  

It was 1am on a Saturday and Mattsun called you. You were working on an essay and it was super unexpected. It was able to shake you from the somewhat trance you were in while trying to think.

“Hey y/n-san I’m so sorry to call you at such a late time and most probably not so nice notice, but is it okay if you pick-up Hajime here at our usual place? Hanamaki and the others have already left and theres a paper I need to take care of, and you’re the only one I could think of.”

“Oh, it’s okay. Did Hajime drink too much like last time?” You think to yourself, ‘How stubborn, I’ve told him last time to be mindful of how much he takes because of his low tolerance’  You found the thought quite amusing.

“He sure has. When will you be able to get here by the way?” Mattsun replies.

“Give me about 15 minutes, it’s not so far from where I live anyways. Can you keep him company for a little while longer?” you tell him. This would be able to get your mind off the stress and exhaustion you’re in hopefully for a little while. Besides you haven’t met him in person for about month so it would be nice to see him again.

“Yeahh I can do that. Thanks again by the way y/n.”

“Suree, anytime. Okay see you in a bit, bye”

“Bye.”

The train stations are already closed at this time, and it would be too much of a hassle to take a cab to and from where he lives so it probably would be best that he crash at your place instead.

You straighten a few things up in your apartment and proceed to grab a jacket, your keys, wallet and your phone, placing it into a small purse. As you closed the door you could already feel a rush of cold air surrounding you.

The walk there was quite refreshing and you felt much better than you did earlier. As you arrived there you could see Mattsun waiting in front. You smiled as you walked toward him. It took him a couple seconds to recognize you as you came into view. 

“Heyy, hope I didn’t take too long” you said as you greeted him with a hug. 

“No, it’s all good you actually arrived faster than I expected”, Mattsun replies returning your smile. 

“He’s inside by the way.” gesturing with the back of his thumb.

“Okay, I’ll go take care of it from here” 

“Thanks again, apologies if it interrupted anything important.” 

“Like I said, it's alright! I got it.” you assure him.

You both bid your goodbyes and you make your way inside the homey bar. There he was, head resting on his right hand and glass of water in the other. You figured he sobered up at least a little bit. 

You let out an amused sigh, “Oh Haj, I’ve told you a couple of times last time to watch it, right?” You took a seat in front of him, leaning your head on your hand. He laughed a little at the statement made. “Sorry y/n, got a bit caught up and forgot.” 

Letting out a low hum you respond, “Anyways, ready to go?” 

“Yeah just give me a moment.” His head was still pounding from the drinks.

I’M WASTING and I’m anxious; I’m fading from myself… 

You placed his arm around your shoulder in an attempt to keep him upright and stable as you walk. Compared to him he was obviously heavier making it difficult for you to even make it to the door, you were basically stumbling out, but somehow you were able to manage and he was at least trying to cooperate even when everything was practically hazy for him in that moment.

---------- 

You fell for him, and little did you know he did too. You’ve known Hajime as reserved, reliable, firm, caring and surprisingly stubborn at times. He knew that if he told his friends and teammates they would tease him and make it more obvious that's why he kept it in a never said a word. 

He liked you, he liked you so much, but sometimes you just seemed so out of reach to him. Loved by almost everyone, you were beautiful, charming and just overall amazing to him. There were times where he really tried to deny his feelings, his emotions, toward you but whenever another guy would be around you he just can’t help but want you all to himself.

--------

As school progressed your schedule became more hectic and your assignments started to pile up. It felt like an endless mess and an inevitable disaster. He saw how stressed you were but he felt a bit helpless because he didn't know what to do. He couldn’t really help you because of your different courses and besides he wouldn’t even know what to do. As time went on your hangouts became lesser and lesser and sometimes you'd even be too busy or even too tired to chat with him. You would try making plans but your group mates would suddenly set up meetings or deadlines would abruptly be sent and given. 

Although he has tried reaching out, because of how busy you were he was left alone with his thoughts and feelings and he tried to make sense of how he really felt. He wanted to avoid thinking of you but that became difficult for him when almost everything reminded him of you…

“They would have liked this..”, “I should probably ask if they ate.”,  “This would be such a nice gift for y/n.”,  “I wonder what they would think of this.”, it just felt like never ending thoughts of you.

---------

When Matsukawa and the rest of the old team from Seijoh offered him to hang out and catch up he couldn't say no. By going he would be able to hang out with them and it would hopefully be a distraction to help get you off his mind. He knew you were busy and in his head he thought that maybe you didn't like him the say he does. You ran circles around his mind and at time he’s just feel so conflicted and confused.

In the end he got wasted, he felt faded, and just wanted to feel ok. He accidentally ended up telling the boys out of frustration that he had feelings for someone which left him with mixed emotions at times. They found this quite surprising because who would get him so hung up and drunk like that.

COULD U COME HERE?! And say u’ll stay the night 

Although you reminded him last time you went drinking to watch his intake you were still shocked that he was so drunk he could barely think straight. The cold air and silence filled the walk and everything in some way felt alright. You felt at peace and his presence made everything feel comfortable even if you were practically carrying him.

He sighs, “Hey I'm sorry I dragged you into this mess I accidentally let myself go back there again.” 

“It's ok, I mean that's bound to happen to everyone at some point I've got you  don't worry it's fine.” you respond.

“Where are we going, by the way?” He asks.

“I'm taking you back to my place, I mean if you don't mind. The subways are closed and the taxis are hard to come by at this time.” 

“Oh ok, it's fine, I mean I have nowhere else to go to anyways and I don't really mind,”  He says with a flustered laugh.

As you keep walking you pass by a convenience store you both frequently used to hang out at when your schedules weren't so busy.

“Hey Haj, we should stop there for a while just so you could sober up a little more. Also I’m a bit hungry anyway,”  you suggest.

“Yeah good idea, besides you must be kind of tired trying to carry me around for this long.”

You both make your way to the convenience store and you tell him to sit outside while you buy something for the both of you.

 Cause it’s been a while, since I've seen u smiling! O baby, could u come down? I think I’m freaking out! And I’m drunk! 

You step inside and the warmth of the shop embraces you. You then proceed to get some meat buns, and two coffees. As you go to pay you take a glimpse outside to check up on Iwaizumi and to your surprise he was already looking at you. You quickly turn away and you feel a small blush attempting to creep up on your face, but you shake the thought away as you make it to the counter.

You finish paying and walk over to where Iwaizumi is sitting and you place the food down on the table. Handing over a meat bun and a coffee to him, you sit down and sigh in satisfaction as you bite into yours. Somewhat comfortable silence fills the space and you absentmindedly process everything that happened.

“So, how was the hang out with the guys? I haven't seen them in so long. You sure must’ve had fun...” You say in the hopes of making things a little less awkward and quiet.

“Oh yeah it was great.” He replies with his mouth still with food, you laugh and he continues after he finally swallows what he was eating.

“Yeah it was really fun, we got to catch up on a lot and they're doing pretty great I must say. You should come next time, I mean when you're not busy. I miss our hangouts, you know...” 

“Is this not a hangout?” You humorously ask.

“I mean, it is but I'm saying we should hang out more when you're not busy and when I'm not drunk.”  He says with a laugh.

“Yeah we totally should.“ You say with a smile.

“So anyways, how's life?” 

“Well I mean I'm doing ok, but overall just really stressed. Work and papers have been piling up and my head has been pounding for like weeks or maybe even just days you know, but I guess I'm doing fine.” Giving a small laugh to lighten the statement.

“Yeah the workloads really suck right now, they're crazy. But I'm here for you if you need anything even if I don’t really understand a thing from your subjects.”

“Yeah, I know.” You say giving him a reassuring grin.

You both take a brief pause when he suddenly brings up an old inside joke you both had when you were younger. You spend about an hour reliving memories, throwing around jokes, teasing each other and laughing a lot.

Sighing into a smile he says, “I really miss this. It's been a while since I've seen you smile like that.” 

“Yeah I missed our hangouts like these, this feels so great and nostalgic in a way.”

And I don’t think I can beat it, I’m paralyzed, I’m terrified of being alone!

You both clean up and start to continue your walk back to your place. All the stress you’ve been feeling earlier feels as if it has left and you feel relieved. As you both near your apartment complex, Iwaizumi stops making you turn back.

“Hey, you okay?” You ask.

“Yeah I’m good.” You then proceed to turn around, but he suddenly continues.

“Listen I need to tell you something, and I need you to promise me that we’re still going to be ok even as friends afterwards.” He says with a slight seriousness on his face

“Yeah, you can tell me anything I promise I'll still stay. I mean unless you're a criminal and you're gonna kill me.” You joke. Moving closer to him you prepare yourself a bit for whatever he would say.  “So what's up?”

He takes a breath, “I like you y/n -san.... and I'm really sorry if you don’t like me after this or if this makes anything awkward or if I made you uncomfortable in any way. I've liked you since high school and I was too scared to say anything because I thought you liked another guy--”

“--I swear even when we were younger there was something about you that just made everyone like you. You were so nice, friendly to everyone, helpful, beautiful, and so much more. You’re captivating to me… and I’m trying to use whatever’s left of this liquid courage to get this off my chest and I think I’m ready for whatever might come next.” 

Your mouth parts slightly from shock because of what he said but it slowly, turns into a huge grin.   

“Hajime, I don't know what to say…” you cut him off before he could say anything, 

“Because I like you too, and I have for such a long time.”

He lifts up his head with hope and a slight disbelief in his eyes, “You do..? You did..?!’’

“Yes..” you say with a small chuckle and a smile plastered across your face. You walk even closer until you're both mere inches away from each other. You take a relieved sigh and make eye contact with him. You wrap your arms around his neck and draw him in for a hug. He places his arms delicately around your waist hugging you back.

He slowly pulls away and cups your face ever so tenderly, pulling you in so that your lips are merely ghosting the others; and he gently kisses you. You felt as if that you were floating on clouds. His lips were so soft and warm it felt so surreal.

You both pull away and he says with a smile, “I've waited and wanted for so long to do that.”

You couldn't believe that everything that happened, actually happened. It felt like a scenario that you would only be able to play in your head. But it was all real and it was all happening. It felt like a dream, and if this were a scene in some cute drama there would have been hearts floating around your head right now, you felt lovestruck.

 Cause it’s been a while, since i’ve thought about the good things, all the bright light things all the good times that we had! It’s been a while, since I made u smile! 

You finally reach your apartment hand-in-hand, sitting down on the couch as soon as you enter. The night was filled with more conversations, laughter and just overall good times. Homework forgotten and disregarded, you let yourself go and have fun. Surprisingly everything felt like it just fell into place. 

You looked at him and maybe it was the alcohol but he was pretty sure he saw stars in your eyes. 

“I can't believe after all this time you're finally and actually mine.” you say.

Whatever magic or fate intertwined and lined you up to this exact moment you just knew that you were forever grateful.