#This is why after years of being literally tormented to the point of torture by peers at school

[graveyardcuddles]

I'm thinking about Astarion again and how actually amazing it is that he managed to hold onto as much of himself as he did after having had everything about his identity and sense of self systematically stripped away from him. And how it's even more incredible he managed to do so without even getting to look at himself at all in all that time.

We know his trauma cut him off from his ability to trance and therefore his ability to recall memories from before he was turned. What must it be like to have nothing? Not even happy memories to look back on? A spawn. A dead thing to be used as his master sees fit. Tortured by Cazador and Godey. Starved to the point of constant hunger pain. Forced to use his body and sexuality to seduce people who sometimes not only disgusted him but who would sometimes even hurt him...AND through all of this, this whole nightmare, he can't even see his own face. Even his own perception of himself is stolen from him.

I've gone through some horribly low points in life. Points where I've felt like I was literally losing my mind or about to end it all. And sometimes in those moments, I just had to stare at myself in the mirror, look myself in the eye and literally talk myself down. There have been times where my mental state was so bad and my perception of reality so warped I HAD to look at my own reflection in the mirror to remind myself I was still real.

Astarion remembers so little of his face that he can't remember if he ever had a mole on his cheek or not. He can't remember the color of his own EYES. For as much as fans talk about the angst of him not being able to remember his own eyes I don't know if any of us could even imagine forgetting oneself so completely that such a defining physical characteristic is lost to memory. It's difficult to imagine as beings with limited lifespans. And imagine the added torment of being forced to use your looks to survive all while never being able to actually see yourself. (This is why I can't help but feel a bit annoyed when people say things like "Well it's a GOOD thing he can't see himself, can you imagine how annoying he would be?" Like sorry you find 'petty vanity' annoying, it still doesn't mean he deserved to have his sense of self-perception stripped away).

So much of him was killed in the process over those two hundred years of abuse and neglect in order to survive. I think it's fair to say Astarion likely wasn't a saint before he was turned by Cazador but we do know at one point there WAS a kind, sympathetic part of himself that took pity on that young man he spared. A part that I'm sure had to be killed in order for Astarion to survive and remain sane. And in ALL that time there was never once any moment where he could look at himself in the mirror and tell himself that he was still himself.

He lost everything, even the memory of his own eye color. But he wouldn't allow himself to be lost completely. He still talked back. Still screamed the loudest when tortured. Still held onto his anger, his rage his burning desire for revenge. And when he gets the opportunity to take his freedom he fucking LEAPS for it. He is so bound and determined to STAY free once he is free he would literally rather die than go back to Cazador. He's a survivor above all else and I love him so much.

[lioncourtie]

hurricanes & sun-dented rooms: a symbolic analysis of relationships in interview with the vampire. 

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hello. i have decided to resurrect this blog to point out a symbolic element that caught my eye after my first watch of interview with the vampire’s eighth episode, the unholy finale of what was quite frankly one of the best seasons out there.

now, i know that maybe this wasn’t that intentional, even if the remarkably talented crew behind the show loves incorporating hidden, symbolic details in it , but the visible sunray during the loumand reunion (post burning the theatre des vampires, all hail the pointe du lac heir) was so flagrant to me. quite literally, i felt as thought it was denting the scene, keeping both characters apart, louis on one side, calmer, proud of his newly accomplished plan, yet still tormented by the trial, and armand, desperately trying to lie, to convince, to make louis stagger so that they'd once again end up on the same side.

different feelings, different states of mind, different motivations.

now, we all know how vampires die most of the time: sun exposure, right? and what was right in the middle of the room, as present as a third entity? the sun, keeping them apart, even if, for the seventy years that followed, louis had granted armand his forgiveness, however never whole, after the latter had lied to him about his implications in the trial, and therefore, in the death of his beloved daughter.

but alsoooooo. one thing that i keep hearing is armand being a seventy year rebound for louis, and while i do agree with that statement, i also feel like that postburningodowntheatredesvampires paris apartment scene showcases that very aspect of their relationship well. two people who will never be able to fully merge, to fully meet, to be one, because they'll forever be set apart by the sun, by death. the death of louis and lestat (the real soulmates, after all) after that scene in magnus’ lair. the death of claudia, as orchestrated by armand, even if unknown at the time, remains still in the midst of their closeness, their proximity clouded by that energy, those lies. louis flew toxicity only to make his home in a manipulator's, a liar's warm, welcoming, yearning arms, only to realize that the abuse had shape shifted. a relationship built on lies and fragments of memories can never last forever, after all. and while lestat isn't that much better, (and boy am i not getting into this conversation today!!!!), he is louis’s love. one and only real love, bound together by the unique maker creation red string of fate, by shared dreams, promises, tragedies, and a daughter. who (arguably) died at their hand, but first and foremost, in front of their eyes. anne rice's characters will always be toxic, part vile, part good, but always fucked, and everyone has their own interpretation of why these two or these two belong together: that was mine, heavily shortened.

now, if we take a peek (not too long or i’ll curl up in a ball and die), at the loustat reunion scene, yes, as in, those ten minutes of emotional torture, what do we hear? the almost ominous sound of windy weather. yeah, nature was having a breakdown too lmfao.

This Odette, said to be at least a three. Could be a four.

typical new orleans: a hurricane is on its way. and louis du pointe du lac has business to tend to. he's eternal. all is well. he sees the rat killing sketchy gangstpire, follows him, dives into whatever the hell remains of lestat’s lair, they talk, they bawl, they embrace each other like two star-crossed fucking lovers who haven't touched each other in a millenium… and the hurricane outside, odette’s introduction, grows stronger. the windowpanes rattle, clatter, sirens are heard from the streets, the wind only grows stronger, fiercer. and amidst all that chaos, that upcoming destruction, they stand as one, in the middle of it all, holding onto one another.

if loumand were to forever have that fossé, that gap between the two of them, loustat were the opposite. hurricanes bring death and havoc, but those two things were keeping them together. they saw death, gave death, offered death to strangers, to one another at a certain point, and that is what their love is about, in the end. lies and death kept louis and armand seemingly apart, but louis and lestat built their relationships on death, mourning their daughter’s demise and their love’s revival in the middle of a damn hurricane. loumand's relationship was always headed towards its death, its extinction, as if the bricks were meant to crack sooner or later, as if that sun ray would have lured them in and set the whole thing ablaze, then to dust. but loustat were always meant to find each other again, in my most humble opinion, fighting the chaos side by side.

know your soulmates, folks.

𓊆ྀི❤︎𓊇ྀི

[rosalinesurvived]

Here are @alyssab-123’s thoughts on my other Bsd Ptolomaea thoughts, and here’s my analysis on it:

Fukufuku Ptolomaea

You love blood too much, But not like I do

Fukuzawa and Fukuchi both have a veery long history with swordsmanship but this is Fukuzawa beginning to look forward to killing the war hawks, starting to love the bloodshed and Fukuchi throughout the war itself; assumedly committing war crimes, torturing civillians, women and children.

Heard you, saw you, felt you, gave you, Need you, love you, love you, love you

Again this is interpreting things about their relationship, but its known through Untold Origins that Fukuzawa, for a steady part of his life, was very alone. Fukuchi has been burdened with a prophecy of untold horror, begins to develop his strength and through it he’s found the one person who can keep up with him.

Saying I'm the one, he's gonna take me, I'm on fire, I'm on fire, I'm on fire. Suffering is nigh, drawing to me, Calling me the one, I'm the white light, Beautiful, finite

All of which has culmulated to this point at the airport. Fukuchi had this plan in motion, was there at the Agency’s debut opening, was so tormented by it he got drunk. Fukuzawa’s thinking that his best friend is on the verge of murdering all of his subordinates and then Fukuzawa himself. Only to find out–suprise, suprise, the very ‘naivite’ that Fukuchi said (to Atsushi+Akutagawa) he hated, is the exact reason why he’s going to make Fukuzawa a dictator: his ‘white light’ his apparant ‘goodness’ has lead to this suffering

Even the iron still fears the rot

Basically, Swords. Fukuzawa putting his sword away out of shame and swearing never to use it, then Fukuchi giving him a sword to kill him with

Hiding from something I cannot stop

Latest chapter 116 reminded me of this: Fukuzawa asking Atsushi to give him time to mourn amongst the rubble, telling Atsushi to flee instead of engaging. Becauase they cannot stop this.

Blessed be the Daughters of Cain, Bound to suffering eternal through the sins of their fathers committed long before their conception

This line ngl reminds me of the whole zskk skk sskk thingy, especially in regards to like Natsume, who i’ve made my distaste for obvious. The whole ‘line of abuse’ thingy.

Blessed be the children, Each and every one come to know their god through some senseless act of violence

The overrarching, long living effect that the Great War had on all the kids in bsd. Yosano, Chuuya, Atsushi, Fukuchi and Fukuzawa themselves, TERUKO

Blessed be you, girl, Promised to me by a man who can only feel hatred and contempt towards you

Blessed be you 🫵 Fukuzawa! Dragged up to becoming the god of the world by the man who was going to use your childhood memories to manipulate you into going along with it! By the man who strung you along for years and let you believe it was all your fault!

I am no good nor evil, simply I am

Fukuchi literally being a war criminal and simultanously the leader of the justice team, a national hero with movies after him. Man of a hundred faces. Uniting the world under a dictatorship in order to eliminate war.

I was there in the dark when you spilled your first blood

Going back to their first duel in the dojo with it being Fukuchi’s first time he was actually bested. The way that Fukuzawa murdering war hawks and beaucrats was indirectly because Fukuchi was prolonging the war by killing soldiers on the field and doing fuck all besides it.

I am here now, as you run from me still, Run then, child, You can't hide from me forever

Airport fight, Fukuzawa trying to understand why Fukuchi’s doing it all ans failing. Its very vauge to us just how much of this divine being is actually Fukuchi, and what exactly it is if it isnt Fukuchi. But whatever it is, its still here, with Fukuzawa, at the airport.

[daydreamingqueen1]

Twelve - Sirius Black

I am adding to the angst on this day of mourning, I'm sorry.

Warnings: ANGST!#%*!, literally sirius' thoughts in Azkaban.

Word count: 0.6k 

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When the aurors took him down, he felt nothing.

When the dementors escorted him to his cell, he felt nothing.

When the cold seeped through his flesh and the hardness of the filthy floor bruised his bones, he felt nothing.

When his birthday came, he felt nothing.

He felt nothing for a while.

Not even the screams of sorrow and insanity filtering through the walls of the most hopeless place on earth could make him feel something.

Sirius was used to feeling too much, that's why this emptiness he couldn't comprehend.

His whole life he had been told he was too much, that he had to tone it down, make himself calmer, quieter, smaller. To be less basically.

Every trick in the book he used. Even the torture his mother inflicted resulted in blasting fury rather than submitting him into a tame creature.

Drugs, sex and pain could only do so much. In the end, they caused a stronger downpour of emotions if for only a few minutes of numbness.

He had fought against his nature, he tried with all his will to cut his eccentric limbs and fit into the silver embellished box crafted since his birth, but it hadn't worked. The deafening loudness of his mind always came back, needing an outlet to avoid turning against itself, no efforts made managed to silence the thundering thoughts. He remained a booming force.

He stopped trying to swallow his inextricable heart. He spitted it out without biting down, presenting it harsh, unfiltered and raw to whoever questioned his being.

That is why his current hollowness was a cosmic joke.

For someone who had wished to stop aching for so long, to reach it at the point of his life where everything should hurt the most was the cruelest irony that could ever exist.

They were laughing at him, rolling on their golden bellies in the pantheon. Twelve deities mocking him as they twist his fate. Fuck the Olympians and their eternal boredom.

Maybe the derangement filling up the place was getting to him, but he could swear he saw them there, cackling as they crowded his cell.

He couldn't look up and see their godly faces, the fun they found in his predicament only served to deepen the abyss inside his chest.

One, two, three... twelve. He whispered incessantly the amount of shadows casted on the stone.

The number chased him. His life could be reduced to those digits.

He was born in Number 12th Grimmauld Place.

He was twelve when he fell in love with a boy.

He was twelve when he found out the boy he loves was a werewolf.

Twelve were the scars on his legs.

He kissed the boy he loves for the first time at midnight.

Twelve were the weeks said boy didn't speak to him after he betrayed him in 1976.

His brother died on the twelfth of August 1979.

Twelve were the muggles he supposedly killed.

He repeated the count in dozens, eyes always lingering on the last waving umbra. Poseidon's snickers got to him the most, perhaps because Sirius' namesake was his grandchild. It didn't matter why, all he knew was that they were his tidal surges that brought up the beginning of his torment.

In 1981, the full moon rose to the sky on the twelfth of November.

Sirius screams made even the soulless guards cry.

The nothingness bled away as the bright light of the moon reached zenith, the shadows disappeared and all that was left was Sirius.

Sirius and his everything.

Sirius suffered everything for twelve years.

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Again, I'm sorry. I just had the thought about how the twelve years went by on sirius mind and I kept finding the 12 everywhere.

happy halloween and don't cry too hard for our babies today :)

my masterlist

[ae-cow]

Lovers in BL♡♡M

Pairings: NCT Dream x aespa

Warning: This is a ship, does not relate to them irl. It's just my imagination. Tons of spelling errors probably

A/N: This is an idea of mine and I would like someone to write it lol.

© ae-cow. Do not claim, steal or repost. All rights reserved

Book 1

Pairing: Karina and Jeno

Karina works as an executive matchmaker in BLOOM. She finds herself being invited to not only her ex-boyfriend’s wedding but also her ex-best friend’s. They had invited her to their wedding to shove it to her face she assumes.

She wanted to get right back at them so she told them that she was bringing her CEO Boyfriend. Luckily for her, she work at a matchmaking agency— the thing is how will she get the man she discribed in 2 week?!

Lee Jeno CEO of an Architectural Company has a father who’s pestering him to find a wife, Jeno decides to tell him he has a girlfriend. His father had excitedly told him to invite the lady to dinner in 2 WEEKS?! Jeno applied to BLOOM in search of a wife that his father has been nagging for.

Karina was assigned to him and looked through his profile and the survey he did and…thought he was the perfect match for her disguise.

They made a deal to date for 2 weeks to get to know each other and line up their stories on how they met, who confessed, first dates, first kiss…

Book 2

Pairing: Mark and Giselle

Giselle was invited to an old client's wedding. After matching making them 3 years ago, they announced that they were getting married! The couple wanted to thank Giselle for setting them up by inviting her as the person who started it all.

During the wedding, Giselle finds a man who looks like a perfect guy for anyone. Beautiful cheekbones, is a pianist and can speak English, qualities some would like to have in a partner. Turns out this man is the Groom's younger brother, Mark Lee.

Minho, Mark’s brother told Giselle to convince Mark to join BLOOM as a client so that he won’t be playing sad love songs on the piano. Mark says yes.

After doing a survey, Giselle finds out that they are perfect for each other.

They somehow manage to find each other as if it was fate despite constant blind dates for Mark, Giselle however thinks this is absurd as she is the matchmaker and he is the client. She could literally get fired for this if they were to date.

Mark however is very fond of the girl aka the only reason why he agreed to join BLOOM.

Book 3

Pairing: Jaemin and Winter

Winter and Jaemin are ex-lovers. They broke up because Jaemin was a pre-med student and they didn't have much time to see each other to the point they started losing feelings.

After 5 years Jaemin was finally stable in his job and thought he was ready to find love again. That is when he applies to BLOOM and finds his ex as his matchmaker.

“You came here just to torment me huh?”

“What? I didn't know you worked as a matchmaker, I came here so that I can find someone— glad I did cause Winter, I've been thinking about us and-”

“There's no us.”

As time went on they both felt like it was torture despite constantly telling themselves that there were no feelings, Winter feels a tint of jealousy whereas Jaemin feels wrong when he goes on dates that Winter set him up with.

Winter calls the department to change matchmakers for Jaemin, seeing their history, they allow the change.

Despite the change, they both still think a lot about each other even when they don’t want to. Well… is more of Winter not wanting to, Jaemin on the other hand accepts his reoccurring feelings.

Book 4

Pairing: Renjun and Ningning

NingNing and Renjun had been one-sided Rivals since the day Ningning had beaten his record of 20 matchmakes in a month by just one couple making 21 matchmakes for Ningning.

Renjun vows to beat her since that day. Ningning however likes Renjun, she sees him as a remarkable person and truly admires him.

Ningning notices this and decides to play along as this is the only way to get his attention, by beating him.

One day Ningning quits being a matchmaker, for personal reasons and Renjun sees that he has no one to look forward to beating, no one who is up his par.

Renjun hates how she is constantly in his mind, “am I the reason why she quit? Did my constant comparison make her tired of me?”

“I hate how much I miss her, I hate how despite doing my work and occupying my mind with different things, my mind just somehow has a special place where Ningning is a constant.”

[epicrox]

Till The End Of The Moon Thoughts - Episode 2

WARNING: SPOILERS BELOW

PARTS: 1.1 | 1.2 | 2 |

This is mostly for me to look back on and see the moments that I caught my eye. Nothing analytical. I offer nothing to the table

I'm also a visual person so there's a lot of screenshots x

This is called my thoughts because I refuse to call what I'm writing down as a review. Reviews inform people and this post does nothing for people.

I’ve seen posts on Tumblr calling Tantai Jin a Disney princess cuz he’s being mistreated and talks to animals 🤨

The scenery is so pretty.

3. There seem to be Chinese subtitles on the right side of the screen indicating that background music is playing but I think they cut it out because I’m not hearing anything. Maybe it’s because I’m watching it on YouTube. I don’t know about other platforms.

4. Yeah, they cut the music now and it just sounds awkward and empty.

5. Omg she’s just leaving him there! Aren’t you supposed to keep him alive?

6. He legit looks like an old man because of the snow.

7. This man looks so delicate.

8. Even at the brink of getting hypothermia, he looks like he has a better chance of getting a modelling contract than me.

9. Disney Princess indeed.

10. Bingchang looks really sweet. I’m praying she doesn’t turn out evil or two-faced.

11. Wtf is this crow’s voice?!

12. It sounds like a demonic robot. This further proves my point about this show being sci-fi.

13. The crow’s basically a camera.

14. Then don’t let him die! That celestial being never told you to kill him and didn’t even mention the evil bone, your dad did. He literally told you that Tantai Jin’s torment and death triggered his demonic powers. All you need to do is prevent that! And what do you mean he deserves this?! He hasn’t done anything yet!

15. Her strategy is irritating me.

16. It looks like she’s cradling a head. Just the head.

17. I love that he just had to faint for her to understand the severity of the situation.

18. Wtf is that? His subconscious?

19. This demonic being reminds me of that demon that trains Luo Binghe after he gets pushed off the cliff.

20. He wants Tantai Jin to give him his soul to allow him eternal peace? Does he want to use Tantai Jin’s body as a vessel?

21. It’s the 2nd episode and we’ve got Xi Wu feeling him up.

22. Ma’am, how are you sleeping with that on your head?

23. She even got her dangly earrings on!

24. Get over what?

25. Ha! Xi Wu is having thoughts.

26. So am I.

27. She beats him?!

28. Why am I surprised?

29. OG!Xi Wu was an evil person.

30. The fact that she is hesitating about hitting him! Put the whip down! Even though he’ll see you’ve changed and would make him suspicious, at least he’ll be happy about not getting whipped.

31. She cares more about staying in character than changing the past.

32. At least take the gear off before you go to sleep.

33. After literally TORTURING HIM, you're worried for his health. It seems you’ve figured out actions have consequences.

34. AHHH!!!

35. Also as an otherworldly being, deity or whatever she is, Xi Wu can be really dense. I’d understand if she didn’t know how some things worked in the mortal world but for someone responsible for saving the world, your strategy is confusing.

36. I know she’s grieving for what had happened but she can prevent tragedies if she were a little smarter.

37. Is that even comfortable? I’ve always envied my parents for being able to sleep while sitting down because for some reason I can’t.

38. Awww. I love how confused he is.

39. He’s so delicate (This man is over 10 years older than me).

40. Yes, she’s possessed.

41. Just like villainess stories, is she hated by her family?

42. Oh no. She seems to be the favourite. Makes sense since the OG!Xi Wu was running around making trouble without much consequence. How can you be punished for your actions if you’re the Apple in your family’s eyes?

43. Also how many concubines does Xi Wu’s dad have? Does Bingchang and Xi Wu have different mothers?

44. It’s very clear from the beginning that the eldest brother is going to be useless.

45. Ze Yu just vanished. And make Xi Wu apologise to Bingchang. OG!Xi Wu must’ve thought she was entitled to everything. Bingchang must feel ostracised by her own family.

46. Wow, even the kitchen boys are bullying him. They’re probably gonna get beaten by Xi Wu and zapped when Tantai Jin gets into power.

47. This whole thing must be so humiliating as a prince.

48. How is he working in the kitchens and doing dishes while looking so pristine?

49. Is that ice?

50. Are they purposefully making him wash dishes in ice-cold water? Or is it something people did historically?

51. HE HASN'T DONE ANYTHING YET. But he’s going to.

52. I’m not sure you’re aware of this but you’re in the body of his abuser. Of course, he’s avoiding you. Like didn’t you whip him last night?

53. Also, you haven’t spent long enough in that body to make this statement.

54. Yep. I think they put the ice in to torment him.

55. This reminds me of a trope you mostly see in isekai mangas/manhwas where the ML is so rude and aloof towards the FL that all the servants start to think they can do it too.

56. One thing that irks me about these tropes (it irks a lot of other people too) is that when the FL begins to stand up for herself against the servants, she slaps them.

57. Ooh, the music changed.

58. Not only does he speak to robotic crows, but he’s also talking to flies. Or was that a wasp?

59. I was under the impression Tantai Jin would commit murder but he just made the head cook (I think) swallow a fly. His reaction after swallowing the fly would have made you think he was being poisoned or choked.

60. It’s funny that she’s lecturing the staff about how rude they are even though this whole time she kept on saying he deserved it. You left him in the cold and whipped him. You know he’s a captured prince.

61. She’s putting all the blame on the servants rather than saying that OG! Xi Wu and even herself were wrong.

62. Instead of Xi Wu slapping them, they’re slapping themselves.

63. “If I had dignity, I would’ve died years ago” He really is a Disney princess.

64. More specifically, Cinderella. I saw a video essay from a channel called The Take. They talk about how people victim blame Cinderella a lot for not fighting back her abusers. In one part of the video, they talked about how Cinderella allows the abuse to continue as it is very likely that her stepmother would kick her out if she acted out.

65. Tantai Jin doesn’t know that the Xi Wu in front of him is not the original. So if I were him, I’d be more cautious about what type of food Xi Wu feeds me than the servants. Although, OG!Xi Wu could’ve ordered the servants to poison Tantai Jin’s food.

66. This man gives me Jin Xixun vibes or Mo Xuanyu’s cousin who died in the first episode of MDZS/The Untamed.

67. Oh, this is hard to watch.

68. That guy threw the cake on the ground and then stepped on it. Even if I was hungry I could never take a bite of it. It took me a while to even eat/drink something that someone else touched with their hand or mouth.

69. Is she drugged or drunk?

70. omg

71. They kissed! And we’re on the 2nd episode. I know it isn’t the FL but still. I count it.

72. Ok, they’re drugged.

73. I remember the two actors were together in a previous drama and there was a make-out scene that everyone freaked out about. So I assume they know what they’re doing in this drama.

74. So someone tried to make Bingchang and Jin Xixun prince spend the night together by drugging them but instead, they both ate it. It was 100% OG! Xi Wu.

75. Oh wait, they actually did it? But they’re clothed.

76. He has every right to be suspicious of you and the food you’ve given him.

77. Gosh. That crow’s voice is terrifyingly comedic. I giggle every time it opens its beak.

78. Tantai Jin is definitely planning something.

79. At least he’s pretty while doing it. Look at this shot.

80. This king looks familiar. Wasn’t he the emperor from Ashes of Love?

81. Tantai Jin is definitely ripping his head off.

82. This whole political drama is going to push Tantai Jin to join the dark side.

[megamattzx]

Although the first day of Goku’s shore leave from the time patrol was a wonderful day to spend with his wife, the first night into Goku’s shore leave wasn’t. Chi-Chi could tell that something was bothering him after they visited both living versions of his parents but wanted him to open up on his own accord. She couldn’t force him to open up, but she could let him know he was safe to show his vulnerabilities to her. She went to bed first, After Goku had already told her he would stay up for another hour as he took some time to meditate his issues away, but he knew he wasn’t ever going to be rid of them truly. He knew his personal demons would torment him for the rest of his life, but he also knew he didn’t have to fight them alone. After he had finished meditating, he then took some time to brush his teeth and get ready for bed. He then entered his room, but as he was about to enter his room, he noticed that he had forgotten to do the laundry. Oh well. He could do it tomorrow. Right now, he needed sleep. He then took off his shirt and pants before putting them in the hamper and grabbed one of his black shirts. One of his pants to his Gi, and last but not least, a black belt. He put the pants on first. He used to sleep without his shirt on.

Goku had stopped doing that a few years ago, and one of the reasons why was that something had happened to cause him to wear a shirt as he was putting the closest things to the pajamas he had on; he looked at himself in the mirror. He didn't see the figure he was but the physical scars he got over the years. The scar on his chest reminded him of when Moro punched through his body with him, sadistically saying, "Don't you go dying on me just yet." He actually heard Moro in his mind when he remembered that. He then also looked at his side, the scar from the blade that Goku black stabbed into him. Zamasu and Goku Black bragged to him about how they murdered his family. Or the time Frieza stepped on his wound from being caught off guard, and he was forced to stay awake as Frieza literally told him, "Wake up! Torture isn't fun if I can't hear you scream!" Many other mental scars came from his battles with various versions of enemies he had fought in his past. This is what he tried to hide from everyone except Chi-Chi. This was his personal Hell. He tried to hide a series of trauma and depression from everyone because he didn't want them to worry, but he slowly realized that the more he tried to hide it, the more obvious it became that he needed help. He needed to open up and basically say that he wasn't okay. Chi-Chi was aware of this, and instead of being angry, she did everything she could to help him.

He would try to talk to his father again when he had the chance. Because the one scar that Bardock gave was when he was sent away, and it wasn't even entirely his fault... He remembered hearing Bardock say, "Listen, son, you do whatever it takes to survive... I don't know if I'll ever see you again. But promise me you'll survive no matter what..." Light tears in his eyes fell down his face, but he could hold it together for the most part as he wiped his tears before walking to bed. He laid down and drifted to sleep. Unfortunately, he was having a nightmare, and an exceedingly terrible one at that. He could be seen partially tossing and turning but not drastically, as he was subconsciously aware that his wife was sleeping next to him. "No... Please... I beg you... Leave her alone... She has nothing to do with this... Don't hurt her... Please... Stop..... Not my sons too... Not my daughter…"

Chi-Chi was sleeping during all of this when she heard the muttering. She then slowly woke up and instinctively turned to see her husband tossing and turning and muttering to himself. Her eyes widened as she realized he was having a terrible nightmare again. Goku didn’t usually have nightmares, but whenever he did, they were bad. Really bad. To the point where he woke up having panic attacks. She always saw him at his worst whenever this happened as he cried afterward. She knew she had to wake him up, so she then shook him. “Goku! Wake up! Please, Baby! Please wake up! I need you to wake up!” Her concern could easily be seen on her face as she tried to wake her husband up. He was always there for her when her depression was bad, but she knew he was dealing with much worse. She always felt he had some form of post-traumatic stress disorder, so when they found out, she wasn't surprised.

As this happened, Goku quickly woke up and violently jolted up as he then screamed, “NO!!!!” As he then began to hyperventilate from a minor panic attack, Chi-Chi knew she needed to be the strong one for him. He always was that way for her; she cooed to Goku as she hugged him. Rubbing her hand on his head as she whispered into his ear. Goku could only cry on her shoulder as she made sure he knew he was safe.

“Shhhh. It’s okay, Baby. You’re safe. They can’t hurt you anymore.” She said as she knew who he was talking to in his sleep. She had to reassure him that it was just a trauma-induced nightmare. “I’m here. The boys are fine. Viola's okay. We’re safe. You’re safe. Zamasu, Moro, Frieza, Cooler, Turles. None of them can hurt you or any of us anymore.” She knew they would be up for a while now, but she had to make sure Goku was going to be okay first before they went back to bed. “Let's head to the kitchen. I can brew us some coffee, and you can talk to me about it so I can help you, Okay?” Goku nodded as he couldn’t help but know he couldn't keep trying to fight things he couldn’t fight on his own. When the two got up, Chi-Chi took his hand as she led him to the kitchen as she could tell that he was still spooked. The horrible dream really got to him. Chi-Chi could tell the two had a lot of bumps on the road, but they were the best they had ever been, and they were much happier for it. Sure the time patrol allowed Goku the professional help he might need, but she knew she was the one he opened up to the most. Once she mixed the coffee up for herself, after handing Goku his coffee, she then sat right next to him to grab his hand, holding it in a comforting manner. ”Who was it this time?” She asked him, knowing he needed her to understand and listen to him.

“A mixture of everyone I’ve fought in the past.” He said. His tone showed that he was still troubled. The stress from the nightmares always got to him. But she also knew he was always open about this. That was good. His opening up about this stuff kept him close to her and sane. She needed him to fight his trauma but knew he couldn’t fight it alone. “Frieza, Cooler, Gero, Turles, Slug, Zamasu, Broly, Wheelo, Cell, 19, 17, Baby, Vegeta, Nappa…” He was hesitant to talk about the next person as he learned to grow some love for him. Chi-Chi was able to tell from his hesitation.

“Raditz?” Chi-Chi asked, already knowing the answer. Granted, Raditz did hurt Goku and played a part in his death, even kidnapping Gohan, but she knew that Raditz was still her Brother in Law, and she understood his guilt. She then positioned herself to talk to him in a way to give him both advice and reassurance, holding both of his hands in the process. “Goku, honey, you shouldn’t blame yourself for something you were FORCED to do. I know you have grown to love your brother but letting his death get to you isn’t going to fix what happened between you two.” She gave him a reassuring smile as she then continued. “But we can bring him back so that you can talk to him. You two NEED to talk to each other. I know it won’t be easy, but I know it’s what you need, even if you were hesitant to tell me. I understand. You and Raditz need to reconcile, for both of your sake.” She held his hands in her own and gave him her compassionate smile as she did what she could to ease his mind. “You did it with your grandfather and two versions of your parents. You talked to grandpa Gohan when you had the chance to again. Your Grandpa telling you that his death wasn't your fault really did put your mind and heart at ease. I know you can get through to Raditz. After all, despite everything that's happened between you two, he is still your brother.”

Goku pondered on what she said. “How?” Goku asked. He knew she was right, but he also knew he needed to figure out how to do this. She always helped him however she could, allowing him to ask his question. “How would I know to approach this Hun? Raditz and I… haven’t spoken since the two of us died together. That was several lifetimes ago. We may be in our prime again, thanks to Chronoa, but we're older than we look, Chi-Chi. Do you really think I’ll be able to reconcile with him?”

Chi-Chi wasn't sure, and Goku could quickly tell, but he knew that he himself had his doubts. But somewhere deep in her heart, she knew she had to take a leap of faith for her husband's sake. "You just need to give him time. I don't know if he will be willing to talk to us, but we must take that leap of faith. Whether he wants to admit it or not, he needs you. He needs you to be his brother. And if you can change Vegeta of all people for the better, surely you can save Raditz’s soul."

Goku then gave a faint but genuine smile as he leaned to give Chi-Chi a small kiss, knowing she'd return it as the two drank their coffee after they shared their kiss. "Thanks, Chi-Chi. I honestly don't know what I would do without you at this point." He said, showing honesty in his tone. Chi-Chi could tell he was grateful to have her. Especially now. Not just when he always opened up to her but fact that he actually went as far as to create a chamber inside their house that allowed him to train in the manners that he's trained in before, at a much faster rate, and even implement his training into his work not just as a time patroller but also for his tutor job, the farm, the lumber business that he now started up as an extension of the farm, bounty hunting while he was on duty, and even the part-time bodyguard duty.

"Honestly dear…" Chi-Chi started as she somewhat knew the answer but didn't really want to think about it. No one could really blame her, of course. He would be in a much worse position with his personal demons getting to him like this. "... I think I would be in the same boat you're in and not want to think about it. I may have been through a lot from you not being around, but you actually suffered so much that I can't begin to imagine where you would be without the people you love. It does hurt me to know that you still fight and put yourself through all of this, but it also amazes me to know just how much fight's still left in you and how much of you is still in there." She was clearly speaking from the bottom of her heart from that point as they both had gone through so much together and separately as she reflected on everything. "Not to mention you try to make yourself a better person because of your experiences. You tried to correct yourself by learning from every mistake you've made, knowing that you could never be perfect. That kind of made me want to do the same. And although we had a lot of bumps on the road, we managed to make it work. You're stubborn, yes. But you're also very patient as well. One of those many reasons why I loved you to begin with and still do to this day."

"I'm sorry if I have to make you worry a lot," Goku responded, knowing that she would forgive him and that there wasn't a need for an apology, but he knew it had to be said. He never wanted her to worry after everything they'd been through together. "Guess that makes two of us that are both stubborn and patient with each other." Both of them could be heard laughing at that remark as if it were true, and they could tease each other about it. Goku could tell that something was on Chi-Chi's mind. Something that was bothering her. Even if it wasn't between the two, he always tried to make sure that she could vent to him just as much as he could vent to her. "So, is there anything you want to get off your chest? Feel like now would be a good time since we're already talking about my problems."

Chi-Chi could only feel warm inside as he said that, as she knew he'd listen. First, she started by teasing him. "First of all, you shouldn't be apologizing for doing the right thing and protecting every reality out there. Especially since you also always try to make sure you come home safe. Silly." She could only smile when she said that, as she was genuinely grateful to have him still around. “I just want to tell you that you’re one of the strongest people I know. You suffered more than anyone should, yet you still keep fighting despite this. You still try to stay strong for me, our family, and our friends. But I need you to come to me anytime you ever feel how you are right now. I know you already do that, but I need you never to stop doing that. Your battles are mine, just as my battles are yours.” She took another sip of her coffee and leaned closer to her husband. Smiling as she did so. "I love you, Goku," Chi-Chi said in the most genuine way possible as he then smiled at her, kissed her forehead, and responded back.

"I love you too, Chi-Chi." He smiled as he held her in his arms while she held him in hers for a few minutes. Until they both had their minds at ease. They both needed this talk. They both had a lot to get off their chest, and Goku knew getting her to open up while he was doing so would actually help her too. She was always grateful for that. But now Goku could tell something was up again but not something terrible, but he could tell from the grin she was giving him. "Something on your mind?"

Chi-Chi looked at him with a little seductive grin, then got up and sat on his lap, staring into his eyes as she answered. "Oh, it's nothing really serious. It's just that I just remembered our anniversary is coming up soon. I was wondering if you wanted to go on a retreat for it. If I remember correctly, it was your turn to pick what we did this year. But you've been busy with work as of late. Up until now, anyway. If not, we can figure something out."

Goku returned that grin as he stood up, picked her up as he did so, and kissed her softly as he began to ask. "Actually, I was actually going to ask you if we could go to a festival in Conton City. There's a lot of stuff there, and we could bring the whole family if you want; it's up to you."

Chi-Chi then looked at her husband, not out of anger but rather excited, as she knew the festival that he was referring to. "You actually want to go to the Time festival?"

"Well yeah. There's a lot to do there, and it would be great to bring the kids if you're okay with that." Goku said, but he would understand if she wanted it just to be the two of them.

"No, no! That's perfect!" She exclaimed. She didn't mind spending her anniversary with her whole family as long as she could spend most of it with her husband. Plus, she was looking for something for the family to enjoy at some point next week, so this was perfect. "Honey, I don't mind spending some of our anniversaries with our whole family. Every time you plan something for our anniversary, you've done so much to ensure it's just the two of us. I don't mind spending some of them with the whole family. I was hoping we could take our family to the Time Festival anyway. I heard the food's good there. And I know watching fights may not be your cup of tea, but it's nice not to have to do the fighting yourself, right?"

"Yeah," Goku said as he gently put her down back on her feet. "Right now… I just want to focus on being with you right now. My brother can wait for now. I do have to give him time, after all. Right now… I just want to stay like this for a little while longer. I missed too many opportunities to be like this with you, and I don't intend on making that same mistake again."

[wasflypaw]

Once again, the c!Dream Defenders are in Denial™ and I've Just found out what their take is on the whole Logstedshire confrontation is.

"c!Dream wasnt there for c!Tommy, he was there for the Axe of Peace and ran into c!Tommy by coincidence." With some people also having the balls to say "the writers made a plot hole bc how was c!Dream to know the Axe was there?"

...its Probably because he wasnt there for the axe! Listen I can accept the coincidence part as there was no way for him to know 100% c!Tommy would be at Logstedshire (then again he found the chest so he must've realised the items were Tommy's and he'd be arriving?) but like

There was No way him immediately going to Logstedshire and waiting had anything But ill intentions. Like you said, he had No Way of knowing the Axe of Peace would be there.

And when c!Tommy arrived, c!Dream stood waiting, broke his nether portal to not allow him to escape, and then welcomed him "Home", welcomed him Back to Exile. He was Ready for that shit lol .

Why did he stay and wait? Why did he fill the hole back in? Why did he wait behind the Nether Portal?

And Once Again, people are clinging onto "c!Dream is obsessed with getting peace and c!Tommy is in the way" No???

1. c!Tommy has Barely been active for literal months. He isnt doing Anything I Promise.

2. c!Dream knows Damn Well c!Tommy isnt the one stopping "peace". He's literally just come back from being tortured by c!Quackity and held in prison by c!Sam who he just watched murder a guy. If anything he'd think they're the issues? And they're the ones who hurt him. But no, he went straight to c!Tommy because he missed messing with him and likes tormenting him.

3. c!Tommy has Never been the one stopping peace. In every single one of his and c!Dream's wars c!Dream has been the main instigator (and if you dont want to accept that can you at least accept he was Just as much into the wars as c!Tommy was? the wars were Not one-sided, please I started watching the DSMP for these two I Know c!Dream Loved being a part of those little wars) and he would break rules himself, rules were broken before c!Tommy (I'm going to record c!Dream encouraging the burning of the Lemon Tree I stg) and he would ignore others breaking rules.

3. Can we Please leave the "Exile is revenge for c!Tommy breaking rules/c!Dream thinks he's in the way of peace" shit behind it's Just victim blaming lite and also not true . Stop erasing early c!Dream's chaoticness he never cared That much about rules and peace and certainly does not now (and if that's cc!Dream messing around then that means it's also cc!Tommy and you cant pin that on him being more chaotic than anyone else. Giggles)

People are also just. Blatantly ignoring CCs at this point. cc!Sam has said c!Dream laughed after killing c!Tommy (both in character And out of character multiple times) and c!Dream Apologists

1. Said c!Sam was lying

2. Said cc!Sam has no say on c!Dream

And then the cc!Sam comparing c!Dream to that one guy from You which got backlash.

And now cc!Tommy straight up saying "why is Dream obsessed with me" and that ONCE AGAIN being brushed off as "he's just in character ofc he'll think that" and Again the "he has no say on cc!Dream's character"

It's one thing if a CC who isnt that involved in his lore is saying this stuff just from some clips they watched - but Sam and Tommy directly work with Dream for the lore. Tommy has been writing stories with Dream for over a year. You're gonna accuse Tommy of not knowing c!Dream, really? The main person who works with him? Good Lord. I've never seen denial stronger.

(The "c!Wilbur said everyone is morally gray why are you ignoring CCs word?" people are the one doing the above too LMAO. Which is also funny bc it's not even what Wilbur said, he said he Wanted the story to be morally gray which. Implies it's Not anymore.)

I'm not even gonna go into the bullshittery that is "c!Tommy was hallucinating c!Dream" and "c!Dream is just projecting his trauma from c!Quackity onto c!Tommy"

[caffeinatedopossum]

Alright here we go, talking about my ✨️religious upbringing ✨️

Tw for uhh idk descriptions of torture and stuff ig??

So for reference I was only allowed to befriend or talk to people my parents approved of so I wouldn't know how bizarre any of our beliefs were or weren't. Some people that fit into the group of folks I wasn't supposed to engage with were: non-Christians, children who were public-schooled, and really anyone who disagreed with my parents. Everything I read, watched, or heard was also censored by them. ESPECIALLY anything involving evolution- it was to the point where my family would get rid of any book I had that mentioned it or anything about the earth being over 6,000 years old. I even remember sitting down at the kitchen table with my parents and one of my favorite drawing books when I was about 6 years old and being guided to black out any words that went against our beliefs with a sharpie.

Another, more ridiculous example of this is the warrior cats books, a series me and my siblings ADORED. Now the only reason we were allowed to read these books was because our dad (the Head Of The Family™️) allowed it while our mom, if she had her way, would never let us read it- "why, because of heresy"? You might ask BUT NO it was because they allowed 'female soldiers' and my mom believed that women should never be in the military.

The stuff that really troubled me though is the things we were taught about the rapture. My parents made no attempt to even hide this stuff from me until I was an appropriate age (if that's possible) because I was hearing about this stuff as young as 5 years old: firstly, I was told that the rapture would happen during my lifetime. Secondly, I was told that when it happened, one of two things would happen to me. Either I would be spared and go directly to heaven after dying a painless death, after which I would wait for the rest of the believers and we would all fight in the last battle against hell with the angels OR I would be left behind to endure 7 (or 14, I don't remember) years of plagues, wars, famines, and torment. I was told that the suffering would be so severe that anyone left would crawl into caves and beg for rocks to crush them to death. Alternatively, "the enemy" (non believers) would eventually hunt down all the Christians and threaten to renounce christ and if we didn't, we would be tortured and killed but if we did, we would be allowed to live but even if we repented, we would eventually go to hell for the only sin God would never forgive. We were in fact given specific examples of what this torture might entail too, including but not limited to: being slowly burned alive, having fingernails pulled, water boarding, crucifixion (I think? My memories of these details are... fuzzy) and other such methods.

I was told that the rapture would "happen when no one expects it" and I took this literally, believing that if I could convince myself everyday that the rapture WOULD happen that day, I could single-handedly prevent it. I also think it's worth mentioning that despite the fact I was incredibly terrified of this happening, I couldn't show it because it would be seen as a sign of disbelief/distrust in God.

[decennia]

I don't know who needs to fucking hear this, but I'm about to say it with my full chest:

SEVERUS SNAPE DESERVES NO RIGHTS, I SAID WHAT I SAID.

Why? I'll tell you why:

Let's start with Neville Longbottom. Often the butt of the joke, Neville was often played up for comedic effect, so I can understand why we never took the implications of his boggart seriously.

But the fact of the matter is: Neville Longbottom was more terrified of his potion's teacher than he was of Bellatrix Lestrange, a woman who was a proud Death Eater who tortured his parents into insanity, a fate several people throughout the series state as "worse than death."

I've heard the argument from Snape Apologists that Boggarts are "superficial" creatures, so they don't go much deeper for a fear of yours, and, having gleaned a recent and prevalent one, will shift into that. Hence why it would be Snape, who recently tormented Neville, rather than Bellatrix, who Neville has never met.

It still stands, however, that Bellatrix is a known Death Eater, and Snape was just his potion's teacher.

We also see from Harry's own experience with the boggart, that the boggart hesitated before turning into the dementor. It "chose" which of Harry's fears to become, Voldemort, or fear itself?

Now, because I always listen to both sides of a story, try and see it from both perspectives before I draw a conclusion, I asked myself "why?"

There never is a good reason for abuse, but I still tried to look at it from Snape's eyes. And the conclusion drawn was literally the same as almost every single motivation for every one of Snape's decisions: because of Lily.

Neville was born several hours before Harry, and was a contender for being "the Chosen One" (the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies) but Voldemort chose Harry.

By Snape's logic, it meant that if Voldemort had chosen Neville, Lily would've still been alive for him to woefully pine for from a distance.

And so he takes it out on a fucking c h i l d.

He abuses him, torments him, and even forces Neville to poison his pet toad, Trevor, who has been shown to be of incredible significance to Neville.

And when the potion doesn't poison Trevor? And actually proved to be a competent potion? Snape made his displeasure known by deducting five points from Gryffindor.

I know that's not a Big Deal™ in the grand scheme of things, but we have to remember that Neville was a CHILD.

Moving on from Neville, let's get to: Lily.

Remember what I said before, about Lily being his end-all and be-all for everything? I meant it.

I'm not saying she was the sole reason Snape became a Death Eater, but she was the "last straw."

Snape's dislike for muggles stemmed not from Lily (of course not, he loved her), but from his father. Yes, I remembered his father, Tobias Snape. The muggle, the abuser. Apples and trees, I guess. From what I recall, Tobias was never physically abusive towards Eileen, Snape's mother, but he was emotionally and mentally abusive towards her. This would be cause for resentment for any young child growing up in that environment.

But, for a moment, may I direct your attention to Harry James Potter?

Who grew up that exact same way with the Dursleys?

Who was also neglected (Severus was said to have ill-fitting, mismatched clothes, sound familiar?) but who also did not have Eileen there to protect him?

And did Harry ever become a member of a muggle hate group? (No. The answer is no, in case you all didn't remember that Very Important Detail of the series).

So, yes, Snape was abused, and no, I am not condoning it, I do sympathize with him on that front: no child should ever go through that. Ever. No matter the fucking child, there is no good reason for it. But do I condone his actions later on in life? Absolutely not.

Because he called Lily a "filthy mudblood."

Not just "mudblood", but a filthy one, too. And why did he do that? Because she defended him against his bullies. Yes, Sirius and James were bullies, I guess everyone's faves are a little problematic in this bitch.

And not only did he call her that, but he also was besties with people who fancied themselves the next generation of Death Eaters.

And when Lily asked him if he STILL intended on becoming one, he never gave her an answer, prompting her to sectumsempra all ties with him. Meaning, she probably gave him multiple chances to not be a raging bigot, none of which he took. Love of his life my fucking toe, gtfo—

Also, Snape obviously knew what his "friends" were doing at the time. Particularly, and especially, Mulciber's attack on Mary Macdonald.

Now, we can't talk about Lily without talking about James and the Marauders.

I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN THAT THE MARAUDERS BULLIED SNAPE, OKAY? But listen up: still not a good enough reason to join the wizarding world's KKK. Actually there is no good reason, period, end of message, send tweet.

He loathed them so much, he literally gave zero fucks about their wellbeing.

Even though! Sirius' biggest crime against Severus is jokingly telling him to follow Remus Lupin under the Whomping Willow during that time of the month.

And Severus would swear that James' biggest crime against him (after "stealing" Lily, of course) would be stopping him from encountering the werewolf and saving his fucking life.

Where the fuck was that reciprocated energy when Snape KNEW that James was also marked for death?

Also, are you going to tell me, that with his ear so pressed to the ground about news on Lily, that he didn't know who the real rat was? That he didn't know that it was Peter Pettigrew? This is speculatory, but... Snape had to have known that Sirius was not the betrayer, he must've at least known it was Pettigrew, meaning he let an innocent man waste away in Azkaban and for what? Something that happened when they were kids? I wonder why Sirius is a "stray dog" idk probably because someone let him rot in Azkaban for thirteen years?

Don't even get me started on how he literally stepped over James' body to get to Lily's while Harry sat there crying. Please. Or the fact that he only wanted Lily spared? He literally said "yes, only her, please, Dark Lord, fuck that newborn"?

OKAY AND MY FINAL POINT BECAUSE THIS GOT TOO LONG AND HONESTLY I'M LITERALLY WAY TOO FUCKING ANGRY AT THIS POINT... I PRESENT TO THE COURT: THE CARROWS.

Severus had been made headmaster of Hogwarts, and what does he do? Allow the Carrows to torture muggleborns and first years. Eleven year olds. Disgusting. Please. What the fuck.

I don't think Severus Snape died a fucking hero, or in "penance." NOT when twelve hours prior, he'd been turning a blind eye and a deaf ear to eleven year olds screaming as the Cruciatus Curse was used on them.

Also, James never sexually harassed Lily? Wanna discuss sexual harassment? How does "waiting outside the Gryffindor common room until someone lets you in even though it has been made very clear that the person you want to speak to doesn't want to speak to you" sound?

I am not denying that Severus Snape is a tragic character; he's a very complex and somewhat interesting one, even. All I am saying is that I don't think saying "always" on the brink of death excuses any of your past actions. He's a martyr at best — having his sins "forgiven" by sacrificing himself for a just cause.

Yes, this is a hill I'm willing to die on. But, as always, I am open to a respectful conversation (not argument, conversation). If you disagree, I'd love to hear why. Try and change my mind; as long as you do so respectfully, I will hear you out.

[palidoozy-art]

The more I think about your recent post about the changes you made to Strahd, the more I wonder about those changes you made to the others mentioned (Rahadin, Van Richten, Ireena, etc). I'd absolutely love to hear what adjustments you made as you already shared some stellar ideas already. Like the Tome? -Chef kiss- Amazing.

Oh mannn I do love talking about my campaign. I changed a lot with them. Again, weirdly enough, I think Strahd wound up being the most like his original incarnation. I could talk forever about the changes I made so I'll try to be brief haha. IT STILL WON'T BE BRIEF.

Obvious CoS spoilers below

IREENA - I thought it was weird that the picture they gave her makes her look like such a badass, and then the module just kind of writes her as a damsel in distress to either get kidnapped or pulled into water or dumped somewhere. To me, she's like, the second most important character in CoS -- and the book literally gives you less direction to roleplay her than her brother. Furthermore, reading her ending actually legit made me mad.

So I said fuck all that. Ireena in my game was a 19-year old girl who grew and developed over the course of the campaign. Several of my players actually said they thought of her as "the main character," just because she experienced a lot of character growth and development, going from a sheltered meek teenager to someone who can fight and assert herself. The biggest change I made to her though was that I very specifically did not just want her to be "Tatyana with memory loss." Ireena is a unique individual who happens to be partially made out of Tatyana's soul. While she shares many similarities with Tatyana, they're separate people, and part of what Ireena has to grapple with is how to live up to that. She's in the post-campaign because of that distinction -- while Sergei offered her to join him, she declined, because she wants to experience life past her twenties. I didn't get to play it out because we were kind of rushing towards the end, but I honestly envisioned a scene where she talks to the portrait of Tatyana, apologizing to her because she knows she's being selfish remaining alive.

This also brings up a unique problem in the post campaign. If Ireena dies, she ceases to exist and may not be able to be resurrected. When her soul leaves her body, it's Tatyana's again. Ireena very much wants to live. Tatyana doesn't. A resurrection has to be made with the consent of the soul, and if Tatyana declines, Ireena's just... gone. Forever.

Related: because I wasn't sure what my players would ask, and Rahadin would absolutely know this information -- there have been 18 incarnations of Tatyana, including the original. I actually have a timeline of when they were all born and how they died. The curse manifests in that they always die or are killed before their 25th birthday. If Strahd attempts to marry them, they lose their minds and throw themselves off of the same balcony the original Tatyana jumped off of during the ceremony. Strahd can never have Tatyana. Vampyr will ensure of that.

But yeah, essentially: Ireena gained actual class levels; she wasn't just Tatyana with memory loss; she traveled with the party for 90% of the campaign and wasn't just a macguffin to be kidnapped/take to places; and I removed any of the "Sergei takes her into water/the sky and you never see her again" endings because I absolutely hated those.

VAN RICHTEN - Van Richten I tweaked a lot from his original incarnation. First, I started him off as Lawful Neutral. No, game, I know you tell me he's Lawful Good, but I'm gonna have to disagree with you that "training a racist tiger to genocide an ethnic camp" falls under the spectrum of Lawful Good. Second, I changed him from cleric to artificer (alchemist). I somehow just got the impression the dude was a godless man, and so he felt more fitting to be a man of science rather than a man of the church. Third, since I wasn't sure the other dread domains were ever going to be brought into 5e I moved him out of Darkon and into another world from the outside.

His backstory was also tied more into Strahd and the campaign in general, as well as the Dark Powers. About 30 years ago, he went into the mists with his own adventuring party (that included Escher) to try to rescue his kidnapped son, Erasmus. He found his son half-turned and begging him for death. Killing him, Van Richten hunted down the Vistani woman (Ezmerelda's mother) who sold the man, and in a rage strangled her to death. This gave him a curse. Ezmerelda witnessed it happen.

He went on a warpath against vampire spawn and vistani alike, until Strahd proposed a deal to Escher. Escher lured the group to a familiar dinner date with Strahd... only for Strahd to murder all of them, including Van Richten. Van Richten was approached by a dark power -- Vaund the Evasive, and given the option to return to life in exchange for the promise that Van Richten would eventually return to Amber Temple and free him. He took it, waking up outside of Barovia. From there he became famed vampire-hunter-book-author, until in his early 50's he decided it was time to seek vengeance and fulfill his promise. He brought in his hat of disguise, came up with an alibi, and headed into Barovia as Rictavio the Great.

He was absolutely played as a much more morally grey character at the start (the party's first encounter with him rather than Rictavio was him literally torturing a dude). He softened over the course of the campaign as he grew attached to the party, until finally reaching a point in the post-campaign where he's considered Lawful Good

Also: Ezmerelda was treated more or less as his adoptive daughter. She absolutely argued against this every single time, but he even slipped up and referred to her as his daughter on a few tense occasions.

RAHADIN - Rahadin I adjusted a lot, too. A LOOOOOOT. Strahd being comically evil makes sense -- the dude is a darklord, that kind of comes with the territory. With Rahadin, I wanted him to have more motivations to his actions, because the base game actually suggests that the dude is actually capable of caring. In the base game, you can find him at Amber Temple, trying to "petition the dark god into releasing his master from his torment." He screams in grief if he finds Strahd dead. Furthermore it felt like the game glosses over the fact that the dude was adopted as Barov's son. It doesn't bother addressing how Rahadin felt about Sergei, who would in theory be his other brother. I thought a number of things suggested in his backstory were interesting, but not expanded upon in the base game. So I took it upon myself to do so.

I changed how dusk elf society was built, which affected the three major dusk elf characters. It worked off of a pretty brutal caste system, with three kings at the top overseeing all of it. Rahadin was born in a lower caste, but actually brought into the warrior caste after a member of royalty was intrigued by his stature. Rahadin worked as a general, but grew frustrated by the inefficiencies of the caste system and its inequality. He started attempting to use his influence to petition other members of nobility into changing or loosening the strict system.

Patrina caught wind of this, and viewing it as a threat to her lifestyle + viewing it as an easy way to gain brownie points with those above her... tattled on him to the three kings, spinning what he was doing as treason. Rahadin was arrested and subsequently tortured. They attempted to execute him on a breaking wheel, breaking his bones against the spokes and leaving him in the town square as an example. He wound up escaping, crawling his way out of town until he was subsequently rescued by a group of human monks. The event pretty much broke him, morally. He went to Barov soon after and sold his people out, taking a personal hand in helping annihilate the dusk elves and conquering their land. Barov was so impressed by the man's loyalty that he adopted him as his son.

Part of this was done to make a connection as to why the hell Rahadin just absolutely fuckin' hates Patrina so much (since that definitely got played up during the campaign). When thinking of Rahadin's motivations, I tried to come at it from the angle that this man was evil... but legitimately cared deeply about Strahd, Sergei, and Tatyana. He was devestated from the events of the wedding, but saw Strahd's return as a second chance. As the lone surviving witness from the wedding, he desperately wanted to help the three of them. But his own blind loyalty to Strahd and his broken moral compass prevented him from doing so.

One of my favorite little additions was a sidequest I offered to the players (they wanted to redeem Rahadin). They were requested by him to retrieve (well, "not destroy or sell") one of his most precious belongings in his office. When they get there... it turns out it's a birthday card and a worn-out old amulet from Sergei and Tatyana that he's kept after all these years. They got Ireena to read the letter to him, to help him keep going after Strahd's death.

anyway i could ramble on about changes forever but i don't want this post to get too long haha. i have. many feelings. over this campaign. maybe at some point I'll do a separate post with some of the others.

i also kinda wanna do a comic of an event from Rahadin's backstory for my players but we'll see, I might deem it "too stupid."

[kaiparker-avengerssmut]

Their Doll 2

Backing Up 

B.Barnes x Reader, S.Rogers x Stark!Reader

series synopsis: y/n Stark, all records of her non existent, and yet Hydra still find her. When she is kidnapped by a certain super-soldier and no one believes her, she finds herself searching for unexpected familiarity in her not-so-distant past.

Series Warnings: smut, violence, torture, swearing

Chapter summery: just some backstory really

warnings: none

A/n: The timeline in this has been altered, as there I things I wanted to include but I also wanted this fic to follow the storyline/timeline of Winter Soldier and Civil war.So for purposes of this fanfic, Peter Parker was discovered by Tony at a much younger age - when he was bitten - and has been an intern with him since, almost like a protégée.(For the purposes of this story Peter was bitten much younger too - more like when he was 9 or ten rather than 14/15)

Masterlist | Series Masterlist

THEY nodded along to the music, head bopping side to side, up and down, along with the beat. Back in Black by AC/DC blared through the workshop, bouncing off the walls and rattling about the various parts left lying around - ready to be used at some point.

Y/n's head was bowed, eyes trained to her hands as she mindlessly picked at her nails, flicking a bit of dirt away and sparing a bored glance over to where her dad and Peter sat, laughs echoing from them in a sickening, unaware torment. Or maybe they were aware, and simple didn't care that y/n sat on her own with nothing to do, no one to talk to yet nowhere else to go every minute of every day.

The laughter haunted her, kept her awake at night. Y/n's soul was crushed over and over with every realisation that her own dad preferred his stupid protege - a boy just younger than her that happened to be bitten by  a radioactive spider - to his own daughter, her.

It made her hate the boy, it really did. Y/n was constantly left out, never included in 'family' meals, never taught anything in the workshop and certainly never given any gifts unless it was Christmas or her birthday, but even then Peter's gifts would greatly outweigh her own in price, size and value.

It was infuriating, to say the least. At the age of 11, most girls are close with their fathers - spending quality time with them, going shopping or ice skating or going to the cinema. And if their dad was busy they'd have a mother who would coddle them and love them enough for both of them.

But that was the other thing that made y/n's life so much harder, and, her neglect acne so much more heartbreaking.

She was adopted.

Tony paid to have her, and yet he spent more time with some boy he'd know for barely a year. Y/n wasn't stupid though, she knew exactly why this was. Peter had superpowers, something to develop and be proud of, and she was plain old boring normal.

There was nothing special about her, to put it simply. She wasn't inhumanly strong, she couldn't shoot lasers out her eyes and nor could she climb walls and swing from building-to-building. And on top on this, she was neither insanely pretty like most of the girls she saw around her dad's house nor was she extremely intelligent like her father. It was crushing, really, to be so average in a house of the remarkable.

So when HYDRA took her, the whole bloody world was shocked.

And yet no one came looking for her. Since she had been taken, she had heard of zero attempts at rescuing her. You could say that this was the reason she barely put up a fight anymore, simply obeyed.

Her old life still played through the girl's mind, of course. How much her life had changed - and was it really much worse now?

No. That was unfair. Being neglected was no match for what HYDRA put her through. They had taken her from her own home when Tony and Peter were working on something, chained her wrists up in shackles and gagged her with a mostly old cloth found on the floor of their quinjet. Then they were off, taking her to some remote HYDRA base in a country she didn't recognise with people she didn't know.

The painful part was the testing, though. That was the tough part. It took them months to figure out what they were doing, and when the last doctor finally stepped in, they got it.

She was an attempt at another supersoldier, to put it simply.

But it wasn't simple, not at all. No, they had altered her in ways she realised not even they expected, being unfamiliar with the technology and all. So now here she was, yet another ruthless killing machine - programmed so dangerously even her voice could kill.

Literally.

The closet thing she could be described as is a siren. With her voice, she could bring down armies, but the second she lost that, she was simply the girl forgotten by Tony Stark. Her voice enchanted, at least that's what they told her. In reality, it was explosive.

Again, literally.

The pitches in her voice created some sort of deadly wave, so when it reached the ears of her victims it exploded their brain. Sometimes.

Other times, she could control it - a certain pitch had a certain outcome. So most of the time, her power became mind control, so the sound would infiltrated the minds of others and she could make them do as she pleased.

That's how she found herself where she currently was, eyes wide as they took in the best of a man that was staring back at her, mouth incarcerated by the band of metal that stretched over it and around the back of her head, the technology designed specially to keep her fro  using her powers on the HYDRA agents and scientists.

The was a big man, with bulging muscles and shaggy dark brown hair. His eyes were blue - a strange blue that seemed to change daily. A gritty stubble lined his jaw and framed his surprisingly pink lips. He was always clad in leather - apart from his right arm, with wasn't flesh. It was metal, with a red star adorning the side. She also knew his screams to be heart wrenching.

When not in use, her and the Winter soldier were kept in bulletproof glass cells. He was strapped down by vibranium restraints to a metal chair whilst y/n was kept mute by her vibranium band. The two had often sought comfort in the sight of each other - something familiar about seeing the same person every time they returned seemed to calm both of the assassins.

Whenever y/n was in her cell and the soldier was not there, she felt lonely and vulnerable. With his cerulean eyes watching over her she often felt safe, protected. After a full year being HYDRA's personal slave y/n still feared them - the idea that she was enhanced and they still pulled her strings a sickeningly terrifying thought. Especially for a 15 year old with barely a grip on the world.

She yearned to learn more about the Winter Soldier. Why he never seemed to age. Why he could completely change with the uttering of a few simple words. Why he had a metal arm. There were so many things she didn't know, and yet his mere presence was enough to calm the girl and bring her back down to earth, no matter how scared she was.

But one day, everything changed.

[megamattzx]

Tales of the Time Patrol: It’s Okay

Although the first day of Goku’s shore leave from the time patrol was a wonderful day to spend with his wife, the first night into Goku’s shore leave wasn’t. Chi-Chi could tell that something was bothering him after they visited both living versions of his parents but wanted him to open up on his own accord. She couldn’t force him to open up, but she could let him know he was safe to show his vulnerabilities to her. She went to bed first, after Goku had already told her he would stay up for another hour as he took some time to meditate his issues away, but he knew he wasn’t ever going to be rid of them truly. He knew his personal demons would torment him for the rest of his life, but he also knew he didn’t have to fight them alone. After he had finished meditating, he then took some time to brush his teeth and get ready for bed. He then entered his room, but as he was about to enter his room, he noticed that he had forgotten to do the laundry. Oh well. He could do it tomorrow. Right now, he needed sleep. He then took off his shirt and pants before putting them in the hamper and grabbed one of his black shirts. One of his pants to his Gi, and last but not least, a black belt. He put the pants on first. He used to sleep without his shirt on.

Goku had stopped doing that a few years ago, and one of the reasons why was that something had happened to cause him to wear a shirt as he was putting the closest things to the pajamas he had on; he looked at himself in the mirror. He didn't see the figure he was but the physical scars he got over the years. The scar on his chest reminded him of when Moro punched through his body with him, sadistically saying, "Don't you go dying on me just yet." He actually heard Moro in his mind when he remembered that. He then also looked at his side, the scar from the blade that Goku black stabbed into him. Zamasu and Goku Black bragged to him about how they murdered his family. Or the time Frieza stepped on his wound from being caught off guard, and he was forced to stay awake as Frieza literally told him, "Wake up! Torture isn't fun if I can't hear you scream!" Many other mental scars came from his battles with various versions of enemies he had fought in his past. This is what he tried to hide from everyone except Chi-Chi. This was his personal Hell. He tried to hide a series of trauma and depression from everyone because he didn't want them to worry, but he slowly realized that the more he tried to hide it, the more obvious it became that he needed help. He needed to open up and basically say that he wasn't okay. Chi-Chi was aware of this, and instead of being angry, she did everything she could to help him.

He would try to talk to his father again when he had the chance. Because the one scar that Bardock gave was when he was sent away, and it wasn't even entirely his fault... He remembered hearing Bardock say, "Listen, son, you do whatever it takes to survive... I don't know if I'll ever see you again. But promise me you'll survive no matter what..." Light tears in his eyes fell down his face, but he could hold it together for the most part as he wiped his tears before walking to bed. He laid down and drifted to sleep. Unfortunately, he was having a nightmare, and an exceedingly terrible one at that. He could be seen partially tossing and turning but not drastically, as he was subconsciously aware that his wife was sleeping next to him. "No... Please... I beg you... Leave her alone... She has nothing to do with this... Don't hurt her... Please... Stop..... Not my sons too... Not my daughter…"

Chi-Chi was sleeping during all of this when she heard the muttering. She then slowly woke up and instinctively turned to see her husband tossing and turning and muttering to himself. Her eyes widened as she realized he was having a terrible nightmare again. Goku didn’t usually have nightmares, but whenever he did, they were bad. Really bad. To the point where he woke up having panic attacks. She always saw him at his worst whenever this happened as he cried afterward. She knew she had to wake him up, so she then shook him. “Goku! Wake up! Please, Baby! Please wake up! I need you to wake up!” Her concern could easily be seen on her face as she tried to wake her husband up. He was always there for her when her depression was bad, but she knew he was dealing with much worse. She always felt he had some form of post-traumatic stress disorder, so when they found out, she wasn't surprised.

As this happened, Goku quickly woke up and violently jolted up as he then screamed, “NO!!!!” As he then began to hyperventilate from a minor panic attack, Chi-Chi knew she needed to be the strong one for him. He always was that way for her; she cooed to Goku as she hugged him. Rubbing her hand on his head as she whispered into his ear. Goku could only cry on her shoulder as she made sure he knew he was safe.

“Shhhh. It’s okay, Baby. You’re safe. They can’t hurt you anymore.” She said as she knew who he was talking to in his sleep. She had to reassure him that it was just a trauma-induced nightmare. “I’m here. The boys are fine. Viola's okay. We’re safe. You’re safe. Zamasu, Moro, Frieza, Cooler, Turles. None of them can hurt you or any of us anymore.” She knew they would be up for a while now, but she had to make sure Goku was going to be okay first before they went back to bed. “Let's head to the kitchen. I can brew us some coffee, and you can talk to me about it so I can help you, Okay?” Goku nodded as he couldn’t help but know he couldn't keep trying to fight things he couldn’t fight on his own. When the two got up, Chi-Chi took his hand as she led him to the kitchen as she could tell that he was still spooked. The horrible dream really got to him. Chi-Chi could tell the two had a lot of bumps on the road, but they were the best they had ever been, and they were much happier for it. Sure the time patrol allowed Goku the professional help he might need, but she knew she was the one he opened up to the most. Once she mixed the coffee up for herself, after handing Goku his coffee, she then sat right next to him to grab his hand, holding it in a comforting manner. ”Who was it this time?” She asked him, knowing he needed her to understand and listen to him.

“A mixture of everyone I’ve fought in the past.” He said. His tone showed that he was still troubled. The stress from the nightmares always got to him. But she also knew he was always open about this. That was good. His opening up about this stuff kept him close to her and sane. She needed him to fight his trauma but knew he couldn’t fight it alone. “Frieza, Cooler, Gero, Turles, Slug, Zamasu, Broly, Wheelo, Cell, 19, 17, Baby, Vegeta, Nappa…” He was hesitant to talk about the next person as he learned to grow some love for him. Chi-Chi was able to tell from his hesitation.

“Raditz?” Chi-Chi asked, already knowing the answer. Granted, Raditz did hurt Goku and played a part in his death, even kidnapping Gohan, but she knew that Raditz was still her Brother in Law, and she understood his guilt. She then positioned herself to talk to him in a way to give him both advice and reassurance, holding both of his hands in the process. “Goku, honey, you shouldn’t blame yourself for something you were FORCED to do. I know you have grown to love your brother but letting his death get to you isn’t going to fix what happened between you two.” She gave him a reassuring smile as she then continued. “But we can bring him back so that you can talk to him. You two NEED to talk to each other. I know it won’t be easy, but I know it’s what you need, even if you were hesitant to tell me. I understand. You and Raditz need to reconcile, for both of your sake.” She held his hands in her own and gave him her compassionate smile as she did what she could to ease his mind. “You did it with your grandfather and two versions of your parents. You talked to grandpa Gohan when you had the chance to again. Your Grandpa telling you that his death wasn't your fault really did put your mind and heart at ease. I know you can get through to Raditz. After all, despite everything that's happened between you two, he is still your brother.”

Goku pondered on what she said. “How?” Goku asked. He knew she was right, but he also knew he needed to figure out how to do this. She always helped him however she could, allowing him to ask his question. “How would I know to approach this Hun? Raditz and I… haven’t spoken since the two of us died together. That was several lifetimes ago. We may be in our prime again, thanks to Chronoa, but we're older than we look, Chi-Chi. Do you really think I’ll be able to reconcile with him?”

Chi-Chi wasn't sure, and Goku could quickly tell, but he knew that he himself had his doubts. But somewhere deep in her heart, she knew she had to take a leap of faith for her husband's sake. "You just need to give him time. I don't know if he will be willing to talk to us, but we must take that leap of faith. Whether he wants to admit it or not, he needs you. He needs you to be his brother. And if you can change Vegeta of all people for the better, surely you can save Raditz’s soul."

Goku then gave a faint but genuine smile as he leaned to give Chi-Chi a small kiss, knowing she'd return it as the two drank their coffee after they shared their kiss. "Thanks, Chi-Chi. I honestly don't know what I would do without you at this point." He said, showing honesty in his tone. Chi-Chi could tell he was grateful to have her. Especially now. Not just when he always opened up to her but fact that he actually went as far as to create a chamber inside their house that allowed him to train in the manners that he's trained in before, at a much faster rate, and even implement his training into his work not just as a time patroller but also for his tutor job, the farm, the lumber business that he now started up as an extension of the farm, bounty hunting while he was on duty, and even the part-time bodyguard duty.

"Honestly dear…" Chi-Chi started as she somewhat knew the answer but didn't really want to think about it. No one could really blame her, of course. He would be in a much worse position with his personal demons getting to him like this. "... I think I would be in the same boat you're in and not want to think about it. I may have been through a lot from you not being around, but you actually suffered so much that I can't begin to imagine where you would be without the people you love. It does hurt me to know that you still fight and put yourself through all of this, but it also amazes me to know just how much fight's still left in you and how much of you is still in there." She was clearly speaking from the bottom of her heart from that point as they both had gone through so much together and separately as she reflected on everything. "Not to mention you try to make yourself a better person because of your experiences. You tried to correct yourself by learning from every mistake you've made, knowing that you could never be perfect. That kind of made me want to do the same. And although we had a lot of bumps on the road, we managed to make it work. You're stubborn, yes. But you're also very patient as well. One of those many reasons why I loved you to begin with and still do to this day."

"I'm sorry if I have to make you worry a lot," Goku responded, knowing that she would forgive him and that there wasn't a need for an apology, but he knew it had to be said. He never wanted her to worry after everything they'd been through together. "Guess that makes two of us that are both stubborn and patient with each other." Both of them could be heard laughing at that remark as if it were true, and they could tease each other about it. Goku could tell that something was on Chi-Chi's mind. Something that was bothering her. Even if it wasn't between the two, he always tried to make sure that she could vent to him just as much as he could vent to her. "So, is there anything you want to get off your chest? Feel like now would be a good time since we're already talking about my problems."

Chi-Chi could only feel warm inside as he said that, as she knew he'd listen. First, she started by teasing him. "First of all, you shouldn't be apologizing for doing the right thing and protecting every reality out there. Especially since you also always try to make sure you come home safe. Silly." She could only smile when she said that, as she was genuinely grateful to have him still around. “I just want to tell you that you’re one of the strongest people I know. You suffered more than anyone should, yet you still keep fighting despite this. You still try to stay strong for me, our family, and our friends. But I need you to come to me anytime you ever feel how you are right now. I know you already do that, but I need you never to stop doing that. Your battles are mine, just as my battles are yours.” She took another sip of her coffee and leaned closer to her husband. Smiling as she did so. "I love you, Goku," Chi-Chi said in the most genuine way possible as he then smiled at her, kissed her forehead, and responded back.

"I love you too, Chi-Chi." He smiled as he held her in his arms while she held him in hers for a few minutes. Until they both had their minds at ease. They both needed this talk. They both had a lot to get off their chest, and Goku knew getting her to open up while he was doing so would actually help her too. She was always grateful for that. But now Goku could tell something was up again but not something terrible, but he could tell from the grin she was giving him. "Something on your mind?"

Chi-Chi looked at him with a little seductive grin, then got up and sat on his lap, staring into his eyes as she answered. "Oh, it's nothing really serious. It's just that I just remembered our anniversary is coming up soon. I was wondering if you wanted to go on a retreat for it. If I remember correctly, it was your turn to pick what we did this year. But you've been busy with work as of late. Up until now, anyway. If not, we can figure something out."

Goku returned that grin as he stood up, picked her up as he did so, and kissed her softly as he began to ask. "Actually, I was actually going to ask you if we could go to a festival in Conton City. There's a lot of stuff there, and we could bring the whole family if you want; it's up to you."

Chi-Chi then looked at her husband, not out of anger but rather excited, as she knew the festival that he was referring to. "You actually want to go to the Time festival?"

"Well yeah. There's a lot to do there, and it would be great to bring the kids if you're okay with that." Goku said, but he would understand if she wanted it just to be the two of them.

"No, no! That's perfect!" She exclaimed. She didn't mind spending her anniversary with her whole family as long as she could spend most of it with her husband. Plus, she was looking for something for the family to enjoy at some point next week, so this was perfect. "Honey, I don't mind spending some of our anniversaries with our whole family. Every time you plan something for our anniversary, you've done so much to ensure it's just the two of us. I don't mind spending some of them with the whole family. I was hoping we could take our family to the Time Festival anyway. I heard the food's good there. And I know watching fights may not be your cup of tea, but it's nice not to have to do the fighting yourself, right?"

"Yeah," Goku said as he gently put her down back on her feet. "Right now… I just want to focus on being with you right now. My brother can wait for now. I do have to give him time, after all. Right now… I just want to stay like this for a little while longer. I missed too many opportunities to be like this with you, and I don't intend on making that same mistake again."

[sage-nebula]

@smallestfish​

I typed about five cellphone screens arguing against this with things in the game, but I accidentally highlighted all but the last couple lines and replaced them with a closing bracket instead of hitting copy. So, heavily shortened, Josh was more respectful to everyone in this game than the first one. He made a bet that the city would sort itself out if it had a few extra lives, moved one or two pieces when it was necessary, and let his opponent paint himself into a corner. Then, either Haz or he could just make it magically better after anyway if things really did go south, and things did, so they did.  Haz was significantly more cruel than Joshua has ever been by resurrecting everyone except Rindo's friends just to watch the kid squirm, and we know he did it with the intent to see how Rindo would react. There's a question to be asked of why Haz only intervened after time travel stopped being an option, and the answer makes Josh look like he's only waiting for Haz and Rindo to quit first and make his intervention actually necessary and good.

Replying this way because typing in the limit-restricted tumblr replies is annoying.

I disagree that the Shinjuku Game is in any way more respectful to anyone than the Shibuya Game. The Shinjuku Game was explicit psychological torture on the Players with no end in sight but their own erasure. The Variabeauties, Purehearts, and Deep Rivers Society were stuck for I believe 30+ loops; that’s seven months. During that time they not only saw other teams erased, but knew that their own erasure could come at any moment, and it’s specifically spelled out in the Secret Reports that this has an averse psychological effect on the Players. Of course, not that we needed that; Fuya, a 27-year-old man, was reduced to hysteric sobbing once he realized that his and his team’s fate was sealed. Motoi was never what you’d call an upstanding person (he was a plagiarist and an art thief), but his facial expressions when his treachery is revealed show that his sanity has been slipping for a while and he, too, is left grasping for any hope of salvation he can find. Kanon outright says she knows the Game is rigged and there’s no hope of winning, but she’s willing to try whatever she can to at least make it fair; it’s pretty clear that this unwinnable Game has been breaking her morale as well. And hell, by week two we see Fret’s optimism shaking as he realizes that the Ruinbringers can snatch victory away on technicalities, so even two weeks in a Shinjuku Game is enough to start wearing down on Players’ psyches, let alone thirty.

In the Shibuya Game, on the other hand, while it’s more brutal in the sense that the Reapers are out for blood (everyone’s gotta eat), anyone left alive at the end of the Week gets a chance to be restored to life or become a Reaper. (Well, most everyone. I think in the OG Secret Reports it’s stated that some are still redistributed into the Imagination of the UG, but for the most part all winners get a chance to return to life or become Reapers.) On top of which, the Players aren’t pitted against each other; they’re allowed, even encouraged, to work together to complete the missions and defeat the Noise. Shibuya’s Game encourages personal growth and development, whereas Shinjuku’s Game encourages competition and, to be honest, psychological torment. Joshua wanted to erase everyone in Shibuya just as Hazuki did in Shinjuku, yes, but his Game is far less cruel to the Players involved, not to mention the Reapers.

But Joshua simply . . . didn’t care about that, for three years. For three entire years he sat back and allowed Shiba to waltz in and dethrone Uzuki as Conductor. He allowed Shiba to disregard Shibuya’s Game in favor of Shinjuku’s. He allowed the Shinjuku Reapers to erase nearly every single one of his own Reapers for daring to speak out against this, to the point where Uzuki and Kariya feel as though their only option is to keep their mouths shut and go along with it, for their own safety. For three years he allowed Shibuya’s Players to not have the chance to grow, to develop, to discover themselves, to question what it is they’d want out of a second chance, and instead undergo literal hell in an unwinnable Game with no idea what they ever could have done to deserve such punishment. (The answer is, of course, nothing. They did nothing to deserve it. They just suffered it anyway.)

The point is: The Composer is the one who creates the UG. He is the one who creates the rules for how it operates, both within the limitations of the Game and otherwise. When Kubo and the Shinjuku Reapers came to call, and Kubo made it known that he wanted to “purify” Shibuya the way that he did Shinjuku, Joshua made a deliberate choice to enter into this Game with him and leave Shibuya to its fate. He flat out says this is his intention in “A New Day”:

Now, while one could try to argue that he was lying here, because he lies a second after this about not caring about Neku anymore (although in my opinion his definition of “care” is still pretty damn selfish), his actions in Neo make it abundantly clear. Joshua could have very easily done what Hazuki did to Kubo three years ago by booting him out of Shibuya and back to the Higher Plane. He could have easily let Uzuki keep her spot as Conductor and protected his Reapers from erasure by the Shinjuku Reapers. He could have very easily just returned Neku to the RG (thus protecting him from the Shinjuku Reapers / Kubo) instead of locking him in the remains of Shinjuku. He could have very easily done all of this and it would have been within his rights because whether the Higher Plane likes it or not, Shibuya is still his city and he didn’t technically break any rules by choosing not to go through with the purification. Whether Shibuya was purified or not was his call, even if they didn’t like his choice. It’s the reason why Hanekoma is in angel jail and Joshua is not.

But he didn’t. He chose not to. I’ve seen some speculate that this was due to Higher Plane politics, that Joshua wanted to show the Higher Plane that Shibuya was worth saving because it had citizens who could stand up even against angels and win. He wanted them to see what he sees in Shibuya. But even if that was his intention, countless lives were lost because of his decision. Countless people suffered because of his decision. The Variabeauties, the Purehearts, the Deep River Society—hell, even Reapers like Ayano and Susukichi—their erasure dust is partially on Joshua’s hands. He could have prevented all of this and he made a deliberate decision not to. The fact that Hanekoma makes a point in multiple Secret Reports (getting increasingly frustrated each time) that Joshua had opportunity to do something yet chose not to tells us all we need to know about how tied Joshua’s hands were, and the fact is that they were not. Or if they were, the only person who tied them was Joshua himself. 

A few final notes:

1.) My original shitpost was not about Hazuki’s morality or saying that he’s a “better person” than Joshua, but merely pointing out that he did more to save Shibuya (despite it not being his city and not his responsibility) than Joshua did, which is factually true. Joshua did nothing beyond show up for “moral support” for Neku and return Shoka to the RG. (And as far as we know, it was only Shoka. The Variabeauties, Deep River Society, and Purehearts are presumably still erased since they lost the Game.) Even after Neku and the others were perma-erased, Joshua did nothing. He did not intervene. He claims to Neku later that if things got really bad he would have, but again . . . everyone died, the city was on fire, and he was nowhere to be found, so I personally don’t think his word is worth very much here. Bottom line, I’m not saying Hazuki is a better person than Joshua—honestly I think they’re on the same level, more or less—but only that it’s hilarious that he actually took action to save a city that wasn’t his.

2.) For emphasis, Hazuki didn’t have to intervene. Shibuya is not his city. It’s not his responsibility. He could have returned to the Higher Plane to do angel things if he’d really wanted to. He exorcised Kubo for erasing Shibuya once he saw that Shibuya was actually going to be erased because Joshua had saved it once and he was curious as to why, and he couldn’t quite figure that out if Shibuya was gone. But he didn’t have to, and in fact he points out to Rindo that he won’t be able to do so again. But either way, it really wasn’t his job. It was Joshua’s. Joshua just chose not to do it, for whatever reason.

TL;DR:

Joshua let a lot of people suffer and perma-die when he very easily could have prevented it for reasons that are unfathomable even to the Producer (“Does [the Composer] have a plan at all?” — Secret Report #20), and while this was perhaps due to Higher Plane politics and wanting to Prove A Point to the angels of the Higher Plane, that doesn’t change the fact that the suffering and erasure of countless individuals was a direct result of his inaction, or that another city’s Composer had to step in to give the Players a chance to fix the mess because Joshua himself couldn’t be bothered to do so.

[hrodvitnon]

Response to Kiri-kiri-kiri's Madison/Go idea for the Shi AU

So, regarding @tardisspacemug 's Madison-becomes-Go route (I always welcome more Ghidorah/Madison stuff :))...

I’m getting downplayed Freya-in-’God of War’ PS4 vibes from this. Vivienne/Shi is so unable to watch her niece/surrogate daughter die, she in her desperation takes a route to surely save Madison’s life, without realising that in the long-term she’s sentencing Maddie to a fate much worse than death. If Shi hadn’t acted, Madison’s suffering would’ve only been a quick flash of yellow light from the gravity beams, or at worst if the male heads had decided to kill her more brutally with their teeth, Madison's suffering would still be completely temporary and would be NOTHING compared to Shi's torment. Instead, Vivienne/Shi has sentenced Madison to an ETERNAL hell: stuck as part of a deathless monster that will truly never die even after a billion years, constantly being tortured by their new elder brothers and the Ghidorah-given impulses; and if Ghidorah wins and destroys the Earth in this AU, Madison/Go will watch her and Viv’s own world and everyone and everything they once knew get thoroughly burned to the ground, turned into another dead, storm-wreathed planetary trophy of the Deathless Golden Demise, before Ghidorah takes to the stars with their two new sister heads, looking for another world to do the same. And so long as Ghidorah keeps going, as it’s been going for eons, Vivienne/Shi and Madison/Go’s suffering will NEVER end. "WELCOME, TO ETERNITY." :O And if Go calls out Shi/Vivienne for being exactly like Emma, she'd be right: they both were Madison's mother figures whom she should have been able to trust and count on, and they've both dragged Madison into an entity/group which would see the world burn and which forces her to watch the blood they shed stain her own hands as mcuch as her "comrades'." (And when Madison is still reeling from realising Emma's true colours as well!)

If I might spare some thoughts of my own about possible plotholes and how to resolve them: one thing that's on my mind is, if Shi converts Madison into Go without Ichi's consent, I suspect Ichi and Ni's control of their shared body and San's obedience to them should really be plenty to suspend Madison's assimilation if they wanted, plus I'm wondering if Shi would really know how to use her new biology to assimilate a new head since she's so new to being part of Ghidorah; compared to how Ichi, Ni and San have had literal eons to get wholly acclimatised to what the Makers rebuilt them into an eternity ago before they first tried converting Vivienne. Solution: maybe Ichi is pissed at Vivienne's rebellion, but he lets Madison become their fifth head once he realises letting Vivienne/Shi watch Madison/Go's suffering and corruption in the shared hell which Vivienne has dragged her down to will break Shi in further; and he contemplates getting another head, one made out of a being who's demonstrated strength of character in her usage of the ORCA, as another chew-toy. Oh, why not, what's one more head?

---

Good points! Though whether or not Maddie-Becomes-Go becomes a reality in the Shi AU is all up to Tardis, and it's going to be a PAINFUL one no matter how it'd end; Vivienne has irrevocably destroyed her relationship with Madison in this scenario...

[did-system-did]

this is going to be difficult for me to mention, so it might be difficult for you to read but i haven’t come across any posts about this so i wanted to share. i’ve seen a lot of people glamorizing DID, which, all power to you i guess. but i wanted to share some of our experiences that haven’t been so pretty, and hopefully make someone feel less alone if you share these experiences.

tw: abuse mention/s*lf h*rm mention

obviously, i’ve been living as a system before discovering i was a system. so there were a lot of instances where i would encounter alters and it would give me panic attacks. i didn’t understand what was happening to me or how to stop it. for years i was tortured and tormented by an alter who i won’t name because we’ve since forgiven them. but to not have any knowledge of being a system and have your body forcefully taken over is terrifying.

being punched in the face, starved, burned, cut at, and manipulated by a part of me i didn’t even understand yet was terrifying. at one point i was being tortured by this one alter, and it gives me chills just thinking about how they were conscious of me and other headmates when, at the time, i thought it was just me. i would be crying through punches begging whatever it was to stop—i thought i was possessed at one point because of how this alter would take over my life. they enjoyed hurting me, they loathed me, blamed me for our failed relationships, blamed me for our childhood, always just constant belittlement. at one point, i would be sobbing to an ex partner because “some twin”, as i would call it, was tormenting and manipulating my life. it’s painful. and trying to put the experience into words was the hardest part, even now i don’t even know how to fully explain it.

or, for another example, B.D (we refer to different experiences in our life as Before Discovery or “After Discovery” A.D.) when Marbelle first started fronting, it scared me. suddenly having an accent that i would have to fight through and not know why i can’t stop. getting headaches when she would get closer, being at work and taking orders while speaking through slurred speech because i was trying so hard to sound normal. only to later learn it was Marbelle being co-con with me, trying to make sure i was safe. i literally thought i was having some kind of stroke and would research people who woke up from comas with accents because i was trying to find any plausible reason why i couldn’t speak properly.

i just wanted to share that because a lot of posts i see make it seem like it’s just: 1. Trauma 2. Oops Now I’m A System. And it just wasn’t like that for us. The trauma lingering in our life affected how we interacted with the world and how alters interacted with me. It told me lies, and emulated my abusers.

If Your Headmate Is Violent Towards You:

-Try talking to them and figuring out the source of their aggression. In our case, this alter was heavily jealous of me. They accused me of living their life and loathed me for being the one who didn’t have to experience the abuse. This was important for me to learn and we’ve since become friends and their violent tendencies stopped. (Toxic tendencies and manipulation? Still working on it)

Sorry for the long post, but I just wanted to share my own personal experience! Please take care and stay safe