#This morning I was seeing the best meds to OD on..

[clown-demon]

((I hate this state I'm in.. I'm too depressed to eat.. I'm too depressed to even drink anything.. It's 3pm and I haven't had a single bite of anything or even a sip of a drink. It's really bad atm...

[utterlyinevitable]

1, 3, 7, 17, 33 for both E x B and E x O from the useful/fun character development questions for couples please! Thank you ❤️

> useful/fun character development questions for couples <

1. What, specifically, was the catalyst for their physical attraction (if applicable) to the other character? In other words, what in particular had them like “Oh, they’re…hot…”

Rebecca has eyes so that was the initial catalyst for her. She’d let Whoever this dark and stormy handsome giraffe was dick her down. 

Ethan won’t admit it but that evening of her first day when she bought him a drink is when he would really let himself be attracted to her, if only for 15 minutes. Then undeniably after the Dolores case he was fucked. That night he inquired about her tattoo at her wrist and she told him the story behind it. Not only was the ink hot but also her mind behind it.

Ethan was initially attracted to Odette that first day, she has all the qualities of women he normally entertain. But then she seemed really put off by him and that kind of turned him off a bit. He started getting the stirrings again after her trial towards the beginning of book 2 when they became more friendly - who else would he occasionally text on his sabbatical besides his dads? The way she just cared for him and treated him like a person and not like just a mentor or the man on the pedestal everybody believes him to be. She intellectually spars with him but in the most delightful ways and that gets him in his feels. She just seems to be always there. The whole Louise drama is when he solidified that he’s attracted and has romantic feelings for her. 

One day at impromptu brunch they’re talking and laughing and the light is hitting just right and Ethan is smiling and looking at her and something in her just kind of melts. In that moment she knew that they were much more than they were pretending to be.

3. By contrast, what was the moment that first made their ~heart~ Soft for the other person? Not necessarily a conscious realization of “I love this person,” but a moment that had them like “Oh…I adore them…”

The feeling of total adoration hmmm... 

Ode was after her trial and they were having a drink and just a good time maybe? They’ve both been through a lot the last few weeks and they’ve come out of it as friends. 

Ethan after seeing everything she did for Naveen and for him was a start to this girl being a fixture in his life. He became very fond of her then. But the big smack in the head (or to the heart) was the Louise drama. He couldn’t have come through without her, and she didn’t need to be so sweet nor did she need to be taking care of him again. But she does. Because she’s always there, and she cares. Even if she doesn’t say it, even if he’s still quite sure that she cannot stand him most of the time, she’s by his side holding him up. 

Odette really couldn’t tell you when she went from I know this guy is my friend I’ll keep him to I know I like him much more than my other friends. I’m assuming it would be at some point during all of the events they go to together and just all the time they spend together. Where she starts slowly, gradually falling for him in deep adoration. Most notably hitting her heart is when she gets the keyboard - that changed everything. Followed up by the night of the charity auction where they just walked around the local area of Boston and grabbed a bite to eat at a dive they both joked they needed to make up for in the morning, in their formal get ups and just had a lovely evening.

Rebecca fell in deep adoration with him in the moments they spend pouring over Naveen’s case. His passion and they way he talked about medicine with bright eyes and a crooked boyish smile had her heart melting. These moments were also just theirs - no one knew they were spending all this extra time together. 

Is it weird to say Ethan realized he adored her whilst in the Amazon? Distance makes the heart grow fonder and whatnot. Which is also why he’s a total asshole to her when he comes back - he needs to fight this feeling with anger. Repress repress repress! 

7. Do they (or would they) pursue the other character’s affection, and if so, how? Do they tell the other character how they feel? Try to earn their admiration? Woo them with romantic gestures? Flirt with them, skillfully or otherwise?

Becca continually pursues Ethan even when she’s ‘seeing’ Bryce - her heart is always with Ethan. She tells him in not so many words but she refuses to say I love you. That’s one thing she will never let him have hanging over her head - she’s embarrassed herself enough by believing him again and again that saying the words out loud could break her/them. She wants it to be his choice if they’re going to be that romantic with one another. She flirts with him naturally and not artfully most times. And Ethan takes it all; he enjoys it even if he knows he can’t go any further than these little quips.

Ethan doesn’t pursue Becca’s affections (he says, he caves a few times and refuses to acknowledge them). He pretty much denies them at every chance he can throughout second year and the beginning of first. As long as he’s employed at Edenbrook they can’t be anything and he stands by that. But then the toxin happens and he can’t not pursue her. Not anymore. Not since she broke up with bryce for him and he shut her down again. Not when she nearly died in his arms. Although he doesn’t want the affections at the beginning, he seeks it out so he flirt with her. Meets every one of her attempts with a half smile and does all he can to pull laughter from her. If he can’t be with her the least he could do is bring a bit of joy.

With Odette, Ethan is the one to pursue his own affection with that kiss and all the little friendly things that become staples in their lives. He doesn’t believe he’s ever actually blatantly flirted with her, everything just came so naturally. 

Ode is completely oblivious to Ethan‘s affections until he kisses her. Well, she had an inkling only because Sienna told her that nobody buys that expensive of a keyboard for simply a friend. While Ode agrees, she doesn’t want to believe it. So she doesn’t. She doesn’t think she pursues any sort of affections for him. But she does. In the way they spend time together, in the way that they talk and subtly flirt and spend all their free time together. In the small gifts of admiration and trinkets they bring to one another just to see the smile.

17. Under what circumstances would they want to be left alone by their partner?

OxE: After an argument or a stressful situation. They’re both quite introverted and need alone time (both) or silence (ethan) to sort through their thoughts. Odette also likes to have alone time once a week - a few hours in an afternoon to just be in herself. She hates the quiet though, so there’s always music playing in the background or something on Netflix. 

BxE: Ethan wants to be left alone when he has lots of work to do, or he’s had an argument with anyone. Whenever he’s feeling heightened emotions he wants to settle it on his own like he’s so used to doing. If Becca’s pissed or on her period she likes to be left alone. If she’s reading she needs pure quiet and will do that when he’s working in another room etc. 

33. Under what circumstances would they feel jealous?

Ethan has more protective jealousy. Of others treating Odette like a piece of meat/sexual object and her letting them. The amount of times she entertains random men who look at her wolfishly when they’re at events and never shuts them down (until they try to move things into ‘more’ territory). When she becomes really really busy with the app and they’re passing ships in the night he’s a little jealous of her professionally - wishes he could be part of this. but it’s hers. and he is part of it in a way. He’s also a little envious of her relationship with her parents. 

Ode isn’t a jealous person at all. She does too much into yoga and meditation for that. She just wants the best for everyone. 

Becca trusts Ethan but she doesn’t trust other women. When she and Ethan are in the early days of dating she’s insecure-ish and will playfully make comments that are meant to be a joke but rooted in jealousy - about how he’s too old for her, questions why he’s not with X, what he sees in Y or not in Z. The longer they’re together they have an unspoken game that ends up in some hot sex. But then the years go by and they’re too codependent. 

Ethan is jealous of her relationship with Bryce and a little bit of the guy she was dating in med school. He has personal doubts about them aside from his ethics and morals, like his age, how they don’t really have all that much in common, how much they fight. He’s more stuck in thinking about Becca’s potential with everyone that isn’t him - he’s afraid he’s going to fail/ruin her. 

[bastardtetsu]

critical thinking | ch①

pairing: kuroo tetsuro x gn!reader

genre: college au, enemies to lovers, tsundere!reader, slow burn

wc: 1.9k

warnings: swearing, being a theatre major 

※ mlist | ● ② ③ ④

you knew it was a dumb bitch move to procrastinate on your science requirement.

trying to schedule gen-eds around the demanding requirements of your theatre degree was already a nightmare, and your aversion to maths and sciences makes it even more difficult to find classes that both fit in your schedule AND don’t make you want to actively drop out of school. you weren’t sure why you thought putting off your one and only science credit until your final semester was going to solve any of that. so, you couldn’t be shocked when your only option to graduate on time ended up being 9am chemistry 1. on a monday, no less.

the first class is just as bad as you expect. the lecture drags on for ages, and as much as you will your sleepy morning brain to wrap your head around the concepts being thrown at you, no amount of caffeine, color-coded notes, or mental gymnastics can ford the river of brain-muddling frustration standing between you and a passing grade - the one you need to graduate.

panic begins to set in as you visualize all the hard work you put into your degree rendered useless, all because of a class that doesn’t even have to do with your field of study. who decided there had to be a science requirement anyway? i don’t need fucking chemistry to get a theatre degree??

“if you’re having trouble with anything,” your professor announces, bringing your attention back to the lecture that's finally wrapping up, “the tutoring center on campus is a great resource. i also hold office hours at the times listed on the syllabus. that’s our time for today folks, have a good week.”

you check the syllabus - all of the professor’s office hours conflict with your other classes, of course. asking your classmates is out of the question, seeing as you’re the lone arts major in a sea of STEM and pre-med. as annoying as it is to have to add another item to your schedule, tutoring seems like the only option if you want any hope of graduating. luckily you have some time before your next class, so you pack up your things and head for the tutoring center.

you pray that a decent chem tutor is available during any of your limited free time as you approach the lady at the desk of the tutoring office. she informs you of several with hours later in the week, none of which align with your schedule, and one who is available for the next hour. you figure tutoring right after class isn’t a bad deal - especially considering it’s your only option. the woman gives you a classroom number and a name - kuroo tetsuro - and you set out.

it doesn’t take you long to find the right classroom, but you aren’t prepared for the sight that is waiting for you there. a strong jawline and a mess of black hair that appears to stick up on its own catch your eye first as he taps away at his phone screen, his bored slouch doing nothing to hide his imposing height.

“um... hi, kuroo?” you say tentatively. his eyes glance up from his phone, slightly startled.

“oh, hey,” he responds, sitting up a bit, “you here for tutoring?”

“i am,” you reply with a half smile, “y/n.”

“kuroo. nice to meet you, y/n,” he pulls out the chair next to him as an invitation, “what year are you?”

“i’m a senior,” you say as you make your way over and sit down, “i’m in chem 1.” he definitely seems taller up close, even sitting down.

“chem 1? as a senior?” he asks derisively, his lips curling into a smirk. embarrassment and annoyance shoot through your chest.

“i’m a theatre major, alright,” you respond dryly, “i’m just trying to get my science credit and go.”

“left it ‘til the last minute, huh?” that smirk is still on his face.

“yeah, not my best decision,” you reply, trying not to let your annoyance seep through, “but i’m just trying to pass this class so i can graduate.”

“well, hopefully i can help with that,” he says smugly, “i may be a lowly business major, but i’m pretty good with chem if i do say so myself.”

a business major. of course. you’re familiar with the future capitalist machinery of the business school from your limited experience with the frat parties they so densely populated. needless to say, the impression was not good.

“so what do you need help with?”

“um...” you pondered, “all of it?” he snickered.

“you’re gonna have to be more specific if you wanna get anywhere.” his tone is dripping with amusement. is he trying to piss you off?

“ugh,” you let out an exasperated grunt, suddenly averse to showing any kind of weakness to this jerk. you pull out your notebook and flip to the page where you had attempted to take notes earlier. “this stuff.”

he leans over to take a look at your notes, and as his eyes scan the page you suddenly notice his smell - some fancy-smelling cologne with like, sandalwood or some shit - and his strong but elegant bone structure. i could cut myself on those cheekbones, you think.

“these notes are terrible.”

annnndddd he ruined it.

“well i can’t exactly take good notes if i have no clue what’s going on,” you counter, “isn’t that what you’re supposed to help me with?”

“i can try,” he says with an amused grin, “but I’ve never seen someone struggle this much with the basics on day one.”

now, you could put up with a lot of shit, but the one thing you cannot stand is being condescended to. especially not by some egotistical capitalist fucker who barely knows you.

“look,” you say pointedly, holding back the urge to throat punch him right then and there, “i’m really busy, and i just wanna pass this class, so if you could help me without being a dick about it i’d really appreciate it.”

“aw, but where’s the fun in that?”

his lips twist back into that patronizing smirk - he’s definitely trying to get a rise out of you.

“fuck off,” you say with a roll of your eyes, refusing to take his bait, “are you gonna teach me chemistry or not?”

he chuckles quietly again, thoroughly entertained. “sure. only because I’m so kind, and i could use the challenge.”

you scoff, but hold yourself back from retorting. you don’t want to give him the satisfaction.

at first, it’s excruciating. you loathe this douchey business bro getting off on being condescending while explaining chemistry to you like you don’t understand anything - which, to be fair, you don’t. but that somehow makes you resent him more.

granted, once you actually get down to business, kuroo is actually a pretty good tutor. he’s not actively annoying when he’s actually trying to teach you something, and he’s surprisingly patient and good at breaking things down. dude is smart, there’s no denying that.

nevertheless, even when he’s not being snarky, every correction he makes seems to fluster you more. you hate looking stupid in front of others, and something about kuroo seems to amplify that feeling by a thousand. you blame his attitude.

as you fumble trying to wrap your head around the unfamiliar numbers, symbols, & formulas, you’re simultaneously attempting to maintain a shred of dignity in front of this man who clearly thinks of you as the dumbest bitch on the planet. and the more you struggle, the more you worry he’s right.

“seeeee? i told you it wasn’t that hard!” he hums as you finish off another homework question you’d been struggling with. he can’t seem to praise you without being patronizing as fuck, either. you look up from your page momentarily to shoot him a glare.

frustration and embarrassment simmer inside of you with each of his snide remarks, but you hold yourself together and divert the attention back to studying each time. the restraint it takes not to deck him right in his pretty face is honestly deserving of a nobel peace prize.

“not bad,” he muses as you finally finish off the last of your homework, “and it only took you two and a half hours!”

“i’m floored,” you deadpan. your brain is too exhausted to formulate a more clever comeback. then you suddenly realize - “hang on... has it actually been two and a half hours? i thought you were only available for one??”

“technically,” he shrugs, “that’s when my tutoring hours end. but I wasn’t doing anything after, and you seemed like you needed the extra help.” that shitty smile is back. you can feel your blood boiling, but at the same time that... is actually pretty nice of him?

“ah... th-thanks,” you mumble, still resistant to showing any signs of weakness - much less gratitude - to the messy-haired prick.

“so, should i expect you back next week?” his stare reminds you of a cat sizing up its prey.

“uh... maybe,” you say. you honestly don’t have an answer yet. “i have to run though, i’ve got another class to get to.”

“don’t be a stranger,” he grins, “you’re gonna need a lot of help if you wanna graduate.”

you shoot him another glare as you swing your bag over your shoulder.

“i’ll think about it.”

he's still smirking at you as you walk out the door.

—

as much as you’d like to deny it, there’s not much to think about. none of the other chem tutors are available when you are, and there’s no way you’re passing the class without the extra help. and, as insufferable as he is, kuroo did help you get through your entire first week of homework successfully.

of course, you still resent having to rely on some nasty ass, pompous business major to mansplain chemistry to you every week so you can graduate. well, technically it’s not mansplaining since you don’t actually know anything about chemistry. and you technically also asked him to do it. but god, does he have to be such a dick about it??

it’s just an hour or two once a week, you reassure yourself, you can put up with it.

this is easier said than done, of course. the following monday, you begrudgingly approach the same classroom, empty except for one (1) chickenhead douchebag, who promptly stares you down with the most shiteating smile you’ve ever seen.

“oya oya~ look who decided to come back!” he croons.

“don’t flatter yourself, it’s not like I had much of a choice,” you respond flatly. why is he still looking at me with that dumb expression?

“true, there’s no way you’re passing on your own.”

“listen,” you reply pointedly, “some people have better things to do than worry about how many neutrons are on hydrogen or whatever”

“hydrogen doesn’t have any neutrons.”

“COOL!!!! i just want to graduate!!”

“well then you’re gonna need to know that hydrogen doesn’t have any neutr-”

“ALRIGHT, i got it,” you huff, “can you just… help me figure out this balancing equations shit? WITHOUT being an asshole about it?”

“hmm… sorry, i can only accept one request at a time.”

this is gonna be a long fucking semester.

a/n: eeeeee this is the first time i’ve actually wholeheartedly attempted to write a fic in lord knows how long (possibly ever?? idk them memories repressed) and my first time posting my own writing so i hope y’all like it !! everybody who’s ready to see me trash talk k*roo t*tsuro say way ho

[anonil88]

please... (rules fanfic)

This is on Ao3 too. In my head this is just one of the things that could happen when Jules finds out Rue relapsed and that she isn’t there for her.

Tw: panic attack

Italics are Jules’ texts.

Jules snuggled into Anna's side and sighed heavily. This had been fun fucking around with Anna and TC. Hanging with their friends who were quickly becoming her friends. It was fun drinking night after night and getting fucked up. She actually enjoyed being around people who were just as gay and weird as she was. It was fun learning what she liked being done to her body and what she liked to do to someone else. Anna was deep asleep under her and when she moved she barely flinched.

Jules moved away and got up off the mattress. This had been fun but she missed home. Not nate, the bullshit, or even that shitty ass highschool. Suffocating that's why she left, right. Still she missed her dad, her bed, her clothes god she missed those, and her friends. Riding her bike around the cul de sac, through the field at all hours of the afternoon and night, and to meet with Rue. Rue who she'd texted a million times for the past 3 nights and 2 days and gotten no response from. She texted her a long ass apology as soon as she stopped crying on the train to the city but got no response. Nothing just silence for 2 days straight. Jules hoped she wasn't actually too pissed at her to respond.

She even texted Kat to see if she heard anything and she said she'd been hanging out with Ethan. She contemplated calling but stopped herself because Rue really hated phone calls. There was nothing on social media at all not even from Lexi who usually hung out with Rue when she wasn't or couldn't. She spent those 2 days throwing herself into whatever Anna wanted to do and whatever she could get away with. It all felt like a blur when the nights were done and she woke up to do it all again the next morning.

Finally she got why Rue and her mother drowned everything in alcohol and pills. Finally she understood the appeal of an escape but it always ended up feeling crappy when she woke up the next morning with a hangover sent from hell. Jules hunched over herself and felt drops of water fall onto her thighs. Her phone sat in her hands as she scrolled through pictures of her with Rue and with everyone else. She wiped the tears with the edge of the sleeve and tried to smile. At least she had those times and at least she could go back and things would be the same. At least she was starting to find herself now and maybe she'd be able to go back at 150 percent for everyone. Maybe she'd finally be able to tell Nate and his entire family to fuck off and leave her the hell alone.

A text from Lexi popped up and she thought thank god someone was finally getting back to her. Her dad only left a message asking where she was and that he was worried but she texted him that she was okay. It was weird he didn't respond but she thought maybe just maybe he trusted her. Trusted her to know what was right for her like he always had.

Did no one tell you?

Tell me what?

Fuck. Jules I don't  know how to say this.

Say what? Is everything okay?

Fuck.

Lexi is my dad okay?

Yea but, Rue isn't .

What do you mean? Another kidney infection?

Jules leaned back on the bed to lay down. All of the sudden she felt light headed and sick. Her stomach clenched and she went to her thread with Rue.

Text me back please.

Nothing, a notification popped up from Lexi and she swiped it away to ignore it. She texted Rue again.

Come on Rue, text me back.

She stared at the screen that wasn't changing and her heart started to race. Another notification from Lexi, Ignore. The tears started to sting her eyes as they formed, stupid eye glitter.

I'm not kidding Rue.

I love you.

A notification from her Dad dropped down and all Jules could read while tears started to pour down her cheeks was I am so sorry kid. Jules swiped ignore and went to text Rue again.Then the messages all said seen and a typing icon popped up. Her heart felt relief, Rue was going to tell her she was okay. That nothing bad had happened this time she'd left.

Fuck you Jules. Fuck you for fucking leaving her. Do you know how much my sister fucking loves you.

Gia, her heart sank to the bottom of her stomach. Jules felt her throat start to close. Of course she knew and Rue knew how much she loves her. Rue knew she wasn't just fucking around she really fucking loved her. Loved her so much that all she could do to feel safe was think of Rue. She'd think of Rue telling her how many bad decisions she was making, holding her instead of Anna at night, kissing her instead of some stranger at the club. Fuck Rue had to know she loved her.

I love her.

She ODed again Jules.

Jules felt her heart tighten to the point it felt like she couldn't breath. Her vision was blurry and she couldn't even gasp for air. Not her Rue it couldn't be. Her body felt numb.

Not her Rue who looked at her like she radiated, who always held her so softly, or who cradled her face when they laid in bed together. Her Rue had been clean for 3 months. 3 whole fucking months of NA and then getting straight with her bipolar meds. Jules laid on the bed and gasped for air to hold onto. Anna was still asleep and she didn't want to bother the girl who had begged her to stop "whining about Rue." Looking at the screen one more time she closed her eyes. Not her fucking Rue. It could have been anyone in the world she didn't care about, just not Rue.

Inhaling her sobs she pulled her knees to her chin trying to think what to do next. There was plenty of alcohol in the room that she could black out and forget this ever happened. Pass out and fall asleep into a dream where it was only her and Rue and Rue was safe.  She felt her whole body shaking and the phone glowed brightly behind her closed. Opening her eyes she looked at the message before closing her eyes and letting out a cry that woke up Anna.

She's alive but she's in a coma.

Your dad's here.

My mom wants you to come.

Rue would want you here.

"What's wrong," Anna groggily asked sitting up slowly. Jules could hear the slight I'm still drunk in her voice.

Jules inhaled and exhaled sharply, "I need to go home."

Anna yawned and rubbed her back, " Homesick already, Miss your Dad? "

Jules tucked into her knees further, hugging herself tighter and tighter. Wishing it was Rue's arms in that burgundy hoodie that smelled like a carton of Newports. Her breathing was erratic in her chest as she cried and cried. Her brain was replaying all those moments she had with Rue. Rue letting her play with her fingers, taking stupid nudes with her when they should have been for her, watching love island, getting to hold her while she slept. It went on and on and on even after the tears stopped flowing and all she could do was cry vocally. Why was she always fucking up things, why did she always loose who she loved, and why was she still in this bed. She was pretty sure she was in shock but she didn't care if she stopped breathing altogether.

"I need to go home," she choked out.

..................

Jules felt like a zombie the entire train ride back home. Her bag sat on her lap and she stared out the window just waiting to get to her dad's car. It was like her brain was stuck on channel one and white noise was the only thing on. It was a similar set up in the car with her dad. She sprinted to his car and before he could get too many words in they were on the way to the hospital. Jules just looked out the dash window with a blank look on her face. She almost cracked when she saw Leslie and Gia in the white tiled hallway. They looked like two ghost lingering waiting for the dead. Going through this once had been hell and a second time looked like it had gutted them. Jules felt like she was going to be sick but looked at the ground to avoid the sadness in Leslie's eyes.

She swallowed thickly and whispered, "I am so sorry."

Without asking Leslie pulled her into a tight hug and said over and over, "It's not your fault." She knew it wasn't  completely her fault, but she knew some of the blame was hers. She hadn't been the best friend in those last moments she saw Rue. Hell she'd lied to her about a lot too, for her safety from crazy ass Nate, but a lie. When Leslie let go Jules whispered sorry again because somehow her tears came back and ruined the shoulder of her shirt. She glanced at Gia who gave her a look made of steel making her quickly look away.

Everything Leslie was telling her about what happened was going in one ear and kind of sticking but sliding out the other. When they finally said she could go in the room she sat in a chair at the edge of Rue's bed. Jules held her hand and looked up at her friend who had wires attached to her, something dripping into her, and tubes coming from her face. The only sounds in the room were the monitor tracking Rue's heart rate beeped and the ventilator attached to Rue. Jules squeezed Rue's hand and smiled, it was missing rings and Rue would have hated that.  

"Please wake up," Jules said while rubbing her thumb over Rue's. "Please, I love you."

[ofheroesandvillains]

Drown - Bucky Barnes OS

Words: 2.1k Warnings: Lots of angst, mentions of OD, more angst? Also, a lot of self-loathing? Seriously, if any of this is a trigger please don’t do this to yourself! And I’m literally always here to talk if anyone ever does need someone to lend an ear! Summary: I’m sorry. This probably isn’t that great, but it’s late and I’ve had a rough week, so you can suffer with me!

Seafret- Drown, my song of choice!

(Gif not mine!)

“James? I’m so sorry…”

“I thought you said she was okay!”

“I thought she was!”

“Wanda, she overdosed! How is that ‘okay’?”

“I know, okay! I know…god, this is all my fault.”

Pietro’s eyes softened the moment his sister burst into tears, shaky hands covering her face as the emotions she had been repressing finally came forth.

“Wanda…”

“No!” He could hear the frustration in her tone, frustration directed at herself. “I should have paid more attention. I knew she wasn’t taking it well, but she’d smile and I’d never question it.”

“Wanda, this isn’t your fault. Whatever this is…it’s between her and James.”

“I’m her best friend, Pietro. I’m her best friend and I left her alone when she needed me the most! She could have died! She’s lucky to even be alive!” Wanda’s face crumpled once more, her cries only getting louder in the sterile hallway.

Pietro’s heart ached as he watched his sister fall apart.

“Shhhh…hey, come here.” He pulled her into a comforting hug, rubbing her back soothingly. “It’s okay…it will be okay, I promise. She’ll get better and then we won’t let her out of our sight, okay?”

He pulled away, a hand on each of his sister’s shoulders as she tried to regain her composure. Wanda hastily swiped at the tears still racing down her cheeks, and with a deep shuddering breath she met her brother’s concerned gaze.

“Promise?”

Pietro knew it was a dangerous promise to be making, there was absolutely no guarantee that things would be fine at all. But he could never say ‘no’ to his little sister.

“Of course, I promise.”

“Does he know?”

Steve sighed, “Not yet.”

“Steve, you have to tell him.” She scolded over the phone.

“I know, I know I do…I just…” Steve trailed off with a sigh, brows furrowing in concern as he studied the city skyline from the hospital window. He was still too shocked to even turn around and face the woman in the hospital bed behind him. It was a terrifying reality that he hadn’t been able to believe.  

“What is it?”

“Even though he’s trying to convince himself he’s not, he’s still in love with her. If I tell him about this…it’ll kill him, Nat.”

“He deserves to know, Steve…she’s been in there for 3 days now, they don’t know when she’ll wake up. If she’ll wake up at all.” Her voice was thick, but her jaw clenched to try and rein in her emotions.

“She’ll wake up soon…” Steve squeeze the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. “She has to.”

They both knew it was true.

They both feared the outcome if that wasn’t the case.

There comes a moment in everyone’s life when the whole world comes crashing down on them. Sometimes it hits instantly, and other times you have to see the destruction around you to truly believe it.

Bucky’s world was slipping away from him, and he hadn’t even know it.

This woman. This beautiful, kind, perfect woman. He loved her more than anything, but they had hurt each other beyond repair. At least that’s what he used to think. But he knew very well that nothing could compare to the pain he had put her through. She would never be able to forgive him, and he would never forgive himself.

It still hurt him to think about.

It was silly really, how it all ended…if he could go back and redo it all he would. He loved her, he still loved her and he always would. They were such a perfect match for each other and everyone knew it. So when the papers had shown Bucky leaving a club with some nameless blonde, no one could believe it. Except her.

He tried to explain, tried to tell her that nothing had happened, because nothing really had happened. All he did was drive the girl home after some guy tried to manhandle her. She was a mess and Bucky felt responsible for making sure she got home safe considering he was the one who had to scare the creep away from her. So he drove her home.

He hadn’t been counting on the girl breaking down into tears as soon as they pulled up to her apartment. She was thanking him profusely, more than he thought was necessary considering he hadn’t done much…but it was the thought of what could have happened that had terrified her. So Bucky helped her shaking frame into the apartment and kept her company for a few hours until she calmed down.

He just wanted to be a decent person and help out, but he forgot that he wasn’t just a normal guy.

The paparazzi had jumped at the opportunity, and he was stupid for not being more careful. The headlines in the next day’s paper and the provided photographic evidence of him helping the woman out of his car and into her apartment was all it took.

His friends were bombarding his phone. Questions were being asked and his own mother had screamed at him when she called him at seven in the morning. But most importantly, he was terrified to go home. He didn’t know what waited for him when he finally got back. Was she still there? Was she angry? Sad? Heartbroken? Confused? Or…was she gone?

He hoped she wasn’t gone. He could fix everything else, he could make her happy and explain it all to her, but if she had already left, it told him that she wouldn’t want to hear it.

She was still there.

Her car was parked in its usual spot, and he felt his stomach drop when he pulled up beside it and realised that he had no idea what he was going to say. He’d just need to explain it all, she was so understanding, a kind and loving woman who trusted him and his word.

Just explain, and it’ll all be fine…

The house was silent when he walked in, he felt like the world was judging him even though he was completely alone. She must have been upstairs in their room. He still remembered when they moved in together, it had already been a year and he knew what the next step would be. He already had the ring…all he was waiting for was the timing.

He could hear her sniffles, her harsh breathing as she probably wiped the tears from her eyes. The sounds chipped away at his heart.

It was only when he entered to see her bags packed that his heart completely shattered. 

She had left him.

He didn’t know something could hurt that much, but it did, and he did stupid things when he was hurt. He made mistakes and always regretted them. Always. It was one of the things he loved about her, the way she could calm him down and help him see that whatever he was thinking probably wasn’t worth it. She balanced him out, but the moment she left his world had crumbled all around him and he couldn’t…he just couldn’t deal with it.

It hurt.

And there was only one way to take his mind off of it, to try and feel something else even if he was disgusted with himself afterwards…he was always disgusted with himself anyway, he didn’t deserve anything else. He deserved all the pain and all the judgement his friends and family threw his way, because the moment she had stepped out of his door he had gone back to old habits, and the moment he had gone back to old habits, was the moment he knew she had stepped out of his life for good.

Cheating was her deal breaker.

While he had never, and would never cheat on her, it sure looked that way when the paps snapped him with another nameless girl a week later…this one he was with for all the wrong reasons. Even though he told himself that he’d give her time, time to settle before he explained that nothing happened, he couldn’t take it.

He needed her with him, like he needed air.

But she had been so quick to tell him that she needed time, that she needed to go, that he needed to give her space, that she didn’t know what to think…

He broke down. He really did. The longer she was away, the more he felt like she wouldn’t be coming back, and it killed him to think about it. So he did something stupid and petty, and figured if she wanted to hurt him, he’d hurt her right back.

He didn’t know it would have come to this.

He couldn’t have known, but he should have…that’s what he told himself. He should have been there, he should have just told her straight away. He shouldn’t have cared that she wanted space, he should have only let her have it after he cleared the air between them.

But he didn’t.

What he did do, was make one bad decision after another without caring for the consequences because he was hurt and he was selfish.

You’re a pathetic child…who willingly wants to hurt the one they love? A sadist, that’s who. You don’t deserve her, you don’t deserve her forgiveness and you’ll never have it.

It was strange how one’s own mind could be such a dark place. He didn’t realise that if he was thinking such dark thoughts that she herself could have been struggling with the same thing.

What’s wrong with you? Did he finally see you’re not good enough for him? Did he finally realise how high above you he really is? He doesn’t need you, he can have anyone he wants so why would he settle for someone as plain as you? He couldn’t even wait to get rid of you, look how much happier he is now that you’re gone…

The human mind was toxic.

Unfortunately, antidepressants and alcohol were also toxic…and they found that out the hard way.

So here he was, a broken man in a broken world.

When they told him she had overdosed, he didn’t know what to think. She didn’t drink and she definitely didn’t do drugs.

When they told him she had overdosed on antidepressants, he finally understood.

And he hated himself for it.

Steve and Wanda told him that it wasn’t his fault, that they couldn’t have known, that she hid all the pain so well…but he knew, he knew that she didn’t drink and that it had probably slipped her mind that alcohol and meds didn’t mix because she had never used either of them, especially not together.

That dark part of his mind spoke up again, saying terrible things…things that made him want to scream and cry and beg her to wake up just so he could tell her how much he needed her, how he couldn’t be without her.

Maybe…maybe she didn’t forget. Maybe she knew exactly what she was doing, maybe you drove her to this. You’re the reason she’s here, you’re the reason she started drinking, you’re the reason she was on medication in the first place…the only thing killing her…was you.

But he saw it all, when he closed his eyes. He saw her warm smile and kind eyes. The same smile she’d pass on to their little girl, when the time came. She always love his eyes, and Bucky knew she wanted their kids to have their father’s eyes.

Kids.

Marriage.

They’d spoken about it all together, and he’d planned every detail in his head perfectly. She’d look so beautiful in white, her smile would bring tears to his eyes and his mother would be a complete mess as she watched her eldest finally make the woman of his dreams his wife. Who was he kidding? His old man would be a mess too, and so would he.

They’d have a little boy and a little girl. In his perfect world they’d both look like her, but in truth, neither of them cared what the kids looked like. They would be theirs and that was more than enough for both of them.

But that…that was no longer his reality. Because he had seen his world crash down around him, it hit instantly and he could have sworn he heard a scream echo in his ears the moment it did. It had torn his life in two, leaving only a past he was desperate to hold onto, and a future he wanted no part in.

Not anymore.

“James? I’m so sorry…there was nothing else we could do.”

[vynotaurfiction]

Witchhill, Ch 1

So my therapist said I should start a diary. I don't like that word, it's too feminine. I'm going to call it a journal.

I don't know where to start. Regardless it's not going to fix my bullshit. I get it. Yeah. I'm not chemically all there. Doesn't mean I shouldn't be treated like a normal fucking person.

I woke up at 2:49, from more fucking nightmares. Yes I Soo feel better Ruth. I lyed in bed for a few hours, hoping to pass back out. Ignoring the scratching. Wait the auditory hallucinations, you fucking say. After a while he fucks off. The blue tensions of light start peering through the window.

Honestly that was nice. I like the tiny details of color. I gave up on more sleep. When I heard Jay's truck start up. That stupid loud chunk of shit, or a hatass calls it a 1970 Chevrolet c something. Brah needs to close his mouth & wash it. You're not going to fix the nasty pus color, & missing bumper.

Tangent aside, the blues tunes shift had shifted pale warming melon shades. I still need to replace the shades. Got to make it harder for the fucker outside to see in, you don't want to hear that do you.

That fucking dog. I want to be angry, but the pup was excited. It was Jay's fault, but he apologized. He offered to replace the candle. I don't know. I guess I'm just mad. Mad at my space be changed without my say. At least the curtains are fine. The wax in carpet, & on the wall. It makes me want to scream.

I took my morning shower was cold, I thought that got fixed. After I took my meds. & When to the kitchen. I was looking for something vaguely palatable. Not that there was a lot of options. I ended up setting for a bag of mix greens. I washes them off. I took one of Jay's girl's tomatoes. She doesn't care but the anxiety of being bitched at was there. It's not like they're not allowed to touch my shit. That fear doesn't go away but you know that already.

I cut up. That light transparent pinkish color always gets me. Through it in some Tupperware with the rent leafs. We didn't have any dressing so I dumps and yellow mustard in a jar with some pickles juice and sugar, some mix spices out of the cabinet, think there's Italian seasoning, black pepper, turmeric, some onion powder, and garlic salt. It wasn't great wasn't bad at all.

It took me a few minutes to find my keys. They were where they always were in the back of the drawer behind everything else. Got in my bug. Drove the 18ish miles to town. Ate breakfast in the car by the lakeside. It was not the mid morning sun definitely didn't hurt. My eyes did though. I'm still not used to ones and off of park life. At least I live close enough I can stay at the house when I felt like it.

See I can find positives. Seeing the negatives doesn't get rid of the positives, but positives don't fix negatives. Though you disagree.

I made objective was to pick up groceries, since Jay last time. That was hard, but truthfully I would have preferred being back in Witchhill, stupid name beautiful reserve. I didn't used to be so partial to work, but it better then being at the house.

I feel like the third wheel at this point. Jay & Katherine don't show signs of that, but it's not like I'm there often anyway. With the 3 on 1 off, thing. I wish, I could pretend that was the only reason. The scratch Master 9000, being one. So many fucking hours, but you look & there nothing there. Then Maurice, god I miss that old fuck.

If it weren't for that old fuck, I don't think I'd be in such a nice position. Honestly, I know I wouldn't. I know thinking about it wouldn't help. Though it not that easy. If it wasn't for Jay introducing me to the old man. I would be in the park, I wouldn't have the house. Fuck, I'd probably would have OD on some random dirty couch. Look, now I'm sober living with my best friend who I used to fuck, & is girlfriend.

I kinda, wish I had. You always tell me off for that. What about KC, Markus, the parks. Yeah, I know they're all great. That doesn't change the fact everything still hallow. God I hate talking about my feelings, but hear I am talking to a fucking book five feet from my bed. Now look, now my fucking chest hurts. Fuck hate this. I feel just like in your office, but ha there's a nether month before I have to be there.

I'm just ready to be back on site. Three more days, just three. Then I can be away from the fucking scratch, & get some actual sleep. Jay & Katie can go back to play house. & I can go be the better Maurice.

Fuck. Whatever. Sign out Brige

[op-law]

One Piece x Reader {Join My Club} Ch 13

Cinder's Pov

'Knock' 'Knock'

I may have been the person who told Kato to come up to the apartment but now I didn't even want to leave the couch. "Cinder, are you going to open the door?" He was the stubborn type so carefully I got up though my hand hovered over the deadbolt while I tried to calm myself. Before I could rush back to the safety of the couch my hand unlocked the door and pulled it open. "There's my girl. I picked you up some pancakes on the way over here since I figured you be hungry. Is something wrong Cinder? Your eyes are puffy"

He noticed every detail when it came to me but right now, I really wished he hadn't picked up on my bloodshot eyes. Kato was sweet and kind, this news would devastate him. "That wasn't necessary Kato but thank you. Please come in" I couldn't prolong the news forever so as I took the takeaway box within my grip, I lead him inside the apartment. "What exactly are we discussing Cinder? You're not breaking up with me, right?"

I'd never break up with Kato he was my everything but as I stared up at him from the couch, I said the one thing I was terrified that could happen today. "It might be you who is breaking up with me" We hadn't discussed the topic of children before but we were only teens ourselves so that shouldn't have been on either of our minds. "Hm!? What do you mean?" Kato's tone was filled with shock and for whatever reason, it had caused my tears to finally start falling. "I-I'm pregnant and I don't know what to do! What is my mother going to say? She'll disown me! Hawkins will be pissed as well!"

My relationship with my mom was already strained enough but oh god if Hawkins found out about this, he'd murder Kato. "Cinder calm down its alright. A-Are you going to keep it?" That wasn't even something I had been able to consider and in my current state, it was best not to make any final decisions. "I don't know. This isn't how it was supposed to happen!" Kato's arms had wrapped around my now shaking form although just as I was about to push him away, he said something that caused me to freeze. "I'll still love you regardless of your choice but just so you know I think you should keep it"

"W-What do you mean Kato? We can't raise a child" I knew Kato came from money but he was talking crazy if he thought this was a good idea. "Just think about it Cinder. I know it's not the most practical thing but we still created this life. Are you going to class today or should we go back to my house? My family is gone for the day~ Heheheheh" I couldn't believe he was trying to laugh at a time like this and how dare he suggest such a thing, being alone with him was never a good idea. "Bad Kato! This is exactly the behavior that got us into this mess in the first place"

"There's your smile~ I love you Cinder. Come on before traffic picks up" Kato's body had moved but as he gripped my wrist, I stopped him. "Who said I'm going with you?" I would have gladly gone with him although I couldn't let this man think I was easy. "Oh, I'm kidnapping you for the day. We have much to discuss and school will only be a detraction" Kato would make a terrible kidnapper however today just wasn't a good day to play games. "There's a test today in math class. I can't just miss it" My grades were already failing and if I ever wanted to make something of myself, I needed to at least pass. "I'll take care of it don't worry. Are you coming or not?"

Little rich boy Kato was many things but was he really prepared to bribe the school? Probably although I still didn't see why the man was acting like his world wasn't falling apart. "Why are you acting so calm about this?" He might have been in shock but when I heard his answer, I realized it was the complete opposite. "Because it doesn't matter. You're pregnant with my baby so now I need to step up and make sure you're comfortable"

"If you're kidnapping me then start carrying me. Oh, and you can tell Hawkins what you did to me" Since I had just found out I didn't bother with informing my older brother although I'd leave it to Kato to figure out telling him. No time would be right but I'm sure he could handle it. "... Will you plan my funeral?"

"With pleasure~"

~~~~~~~~~~

Zoey's Pov

I had gotten my pastries but now that we had returned to Penguin's apartment the man was completely ignoring me and it was growing annoying. "What are you doing Penguin?" He looked rather invested in his laptop but I didn't bother trying to peek as I continued to scan his cool collectibles. "Working on something Zoey. Stop touching that you'll break it" For someone who loved women as much as Penguin did, he was being a little jackass right now. "I thought the plan was to have some fun before school. You're boring Penguin. Oh, what's this?"

"Zoey that isn't a toy put it down. Are you even listening to me?" This ship is definitely well crafted but damn was I jealous it belonged to Penguin. "Awesome~ I've never seen such a well-done Exco Spacefighter. Where did you get it?" It must have cost him a fortune but as I placed the ship back on its display, I turned to see the man was blushing. "You're a fan?" Not many people even knew the show existed although I was one of the few that really enjoyed it. "Oh, yeah it's one of the best series ever to be made. Sucks they canceled it after the second season"

"I know right! Cough. I mean I really should finish this task for the boss" Real smooth Penguin. Hmm, maybe I could get some alone time with him by driving him to class. "We'll talk later. How about I drive you to school?" He had a car in the parking lot but let's get say some troublemaker decided to mess around with it. "Why? I have my own car Zoey"

"I know but I noticed this morning someone had put a nail in your tire"

"Someone what!?"

~~~~~~~~~~~

(Y/n)'s Pov

I would have thought that medication was supposed to keep him asleep for at least six hours but from the look on the man's face he was up to stay. He looked healthy than before however, that occasional cough was the only sign of his illness. That and those dark circles around his eyes but those would be there for a while since he refused to get the appropriate amount of sleep. "Law you're not allowed to leave the bed. Lay back down" That glare within his eyes was not that most pleasant thing although I didn't feel intimidated so I remained in place.

My body was pressed against his which was thankfully trapped under the covers and it was probably the reason why he was having trouble sitting up. "Move (Y/n)-ya" He could have easily overpowered me but from what I could tell he wasn't even making an attempt. "I already told you that's not going to happen. Where are you even trying to go?" He looked a little resilient to tell me his plans but within a couple of seconds, his glare softened, and a reply was heard. "I need to go check on Doflamingo-ya. After that man od's, I'm supposed to give him a special medicine but with everything that happened, it slipped my mind. You may come with me if you want"

"Oh, why didn't you just lead with that? Alright, let's go" I was quick to remove myself from the man but I had to question why he was tilting his head at me. "Are you sure? Doflamingo-ya's house isn't exactly that most pleasant place to visit" Having already witnessed that older male's 'episode' I was a little wary of going to his house but with Law there, I'm sure everything would work out. "It's fine now hurry up before I decide you can't leave the house"

I had moved to stand just beside the bed although as Law threw the covers to the side I couldn't help when a giggle exited my mouth at the man's childish act. "You're brave I'll give you that (Y/n)-ya. Just let me change your bandages before we go" Of course he'd be in doctor mode but as I thought back to how rough he was when changing them last time I was a little reluctant to let him near my wounds. "Alright, but can you be gentle this time?"

"When was I ever rough with you?" His face showed confusion but I didn't believe the act for a second. "Real funny Law" When that smirk appeared on his lips, I knew exactly what he was playing at but chose to ignore it as I took a seat at the end of the bed. "I still need to disinfect it (Y/n)-ya so it may sting a bit" That was totally doctor code for prepare to bite something and try not to kick me. "Or hurt like hell" I was thankful Law was even taking time out of his day to deal with me but I wasn't going to make things easy for him. "You're a difficult patient (Y/n)-ya"

"And you're a weird med student"

"Sleeves up"

~~~~~~~~~~

Doflamingo's Pov

"Young Master?" I was done dealing with people today but as my family entered the room, I only scanned the members before reaching for my drink. They wouldn't be receiving a response from me however as they began to speak amongst themselves, I felt my grip tighten around the glass. "Maybe we shouldn't bother him. Just look at his eyes" My sunglasses were somewhere in the room but I didn't care enough to shield my eyes from them. "I'm worried about him. Can't we do something to help him?"

They had nothing to worry about I was perfectly fine. My heart was still pounding away and in my book that was all that mattered. "Tsk. Start by finding that bastard who left him in this state" Could they be referring to my sweet Crocodile? I hope not since killing a family member was not something I wanted to do so early in the morning. "I agree that man needs to be taking care of sooner than later. Should we put out the green light?" My mind might have been fading in and out during their conversation but that one sentence immediately brought me back to reality. "None of you are to touch a single hair on my Croco-chan's head! Get the hell out and shut up!"

"Y-Yes, Young Master!"

'Ring' 'Ring' 'Ri-'

I hadn't expected to receive a call so early but I didn't bother to check the number before I answered it. "What!?" My mood was unpleasant, to say the least, although when a familiar voice filled through the line my heartbeat picked up. "Doflamingo can you not answer the phone like a normal person for once?" I had that man's voice memorized to the point where even in a crowded room I could pick it out but it didn't make sense for him to be calling. "Croco-chan? Why the hell are you calling?"

"Don't take that tone with me. I'm just calling to check up on you since this business trip has been extended by another day. How are you holding up?" He had broken up with me a few days ago but why was he checking up on me? That made no sense although I decided to reply as my drink was placed back down so I couldn't throw it against the wall. "What business trip?" I would have remembered if the man was leaving on a business trip but as I listened to his voice, I really started to question what happened Sunday night and Monday morning. "Moron. The business trip I left for on Monday. Don't tell me you forgot"

"So, that's where you disappeared to? You know a note would have been nice" I had no reason to question where Crocodile currently was but even as I thought back to Sunday night the events were blurry. "I left you one on the nightstand" My thoughts wandered to the bedroom but right now I was too lazy to leave the living room. "No, you didn't"

"Yes, it's underneath that stupid lamp you keep there. I'm not going to fight with you about it. How has your week been going?" Now I loved Crocodile more than anything but I really tried to keep my drug use a secret when he was involved. Sure, he knew I was a user although I doubted the man knew how bad it had gotten. "Fine. How was yours?" Crocodile wasn't a stupid man so as he replied I tried to remain calm. "If it's going so 'fine' then why did Bonez inform me that you overdosed again?"

"It's not a big deal Croco-chan"

"You're going to kill yourself Doflamingo and you can't keep relying on others to fix your mistakes. It'll come to the point where your past saving. Look I have to go back into the meeting but I'll call you later tonight. Goodbye Doflamingo" I didn't bother to reply since the line had already gone silent although his words really stung. "Young Master? Your brother is here" I only had two but neither of them came to the house very often. "Which one?"

"Law and he brought a young lady with him. Should I send them in?"

"Oh, he brought little (Y/n)? Fufufu. Sure, send them in"

~~~~~~~~~~~

To Be Continued...

[threenorth]

I hope (an ode to a girl i once loved)

I hope he gives you backrubs and shoulder rubs.

I hope he reminds you take your meds and drink water.

I hope you eat animal by product free, being vegan.

I hope you buy bcorp or ethically organic non GMO or whatever is new trendy.

I hope gives you forehead kisses those heal.

I hope he mediates over your well being and good health.

I hope he's brave enough to get his diagnosis and goes on medication.

I hope he cooks meals with you every night.

I hope he tucks you in goodnight, and never leaves your side.

I hope he goes on walks with you every weekend in the mountains.

I hope he forgives you when you hurt him.

I hope he makes blanket forts with you.

I hope he remembers how much my chemical romance means to you, especially G i mean * g note*

I hope you teach him your truths and he's brave enough to tell you his.

I hope he never let's go longer than 5 minutes holding your hand or chained in your arms.

I hope he makes you his priority no matter the day or time no matter where you are you know he will pickup the phone.

I hope he sings to you his favourite songs, and or yours.

I hope he holds your hand when your in pain.

I hope he brings you your favourite flowers when you are sad.

I hope he remembers your birthday.

I hope he knows your story even if it's weird quirks and all.

I hope he's supportive that when you do what you want next he's on board with it.

I hope he remembers your favourite ben and jerry's vegan ice cream flavour.

I hope he never forgerts the colour of your eyes in sun.

I hope he remembers your house incase something goes out of place he remembers where it was or went.

I hope he bites your lip and kisses your neck.

I hope he pulls you in when you look like you need a pickup.

I hope he gives you hickies.

I hope he wears a suit everyday.

I hope he laughs at your stupid shit because for me that's my favourite thing about you.

I hope he sings your favourite dubstep and repeats it line upon line.

I hope he remembers your first date.

I hope he remembers your favourite author even though there's plenty to choose from, I'll tell you i hope you say J.G he's my favourite because he taught me love.

I hope he does everything right.

I hope he makes playlists for you some of mine aren't the best but I'll relisen to them again if i had to.

I hope you look at the stars on your roof, point out your big three libra-unknown-unkown-

I hope he remembers the way you made him feel on the hard days.

I hope he lays on the floor with you listening to your favourite songs and cries with you, is it a tbwbhos, blackbird or landslide, Northern downpour kind of night?

I hope he sings your favourite wongs with you, anyone but you.

I hope he makes tea while you read together.

I hope you don't mind him wearing your clothes because you can wear any of his and he wouldn't mind.

I hope that he knows your favourite doctor, who not person, TENtant.

I hope he remembers to hold your hand when your in pain.

I hope he let's you get a masters and phd.

I hope he knows when you lie to protect him.

I hope he never lies to you not to protect you not because he doesn't love you but to surprise you.

I hope remembers your coffee order.

I hope he remembers the way your kiss feels like.

I hope he knows your warning signs.

I hope he's patience and kind.

I hope he remembers to carry tynol for those hard days of the month.

I hope he doesn't buy your liquor of choice but is smart enough to see the warning signs, but if he's anything like me if you ask i hope he's strong enough to give you it.

I hope he's strong enough to carry you across the line.

I hope he would run into a burning house to pull you out even if it kills him looking for you.

I hope when you feel fat he rememinds you beauty is inside and doesn't matter how you look.

I hope he remembers every key date in your relationship.

I hope he remembers your favourite places to eat.

I hope when he draws the line you know you can always cross it but he needs time alone.

I hope he remembers how angry you make him and how he never wants you angry.

I hope he remembers your life story so you never have to remind him about key parts of your life.

I hope you know what makes him tick.

I hope that you don't have to ask him and he alreday knows what's on your mind with one look.

I hope he makes you pancakes every morning.

I hope you only say goodnight and good morning.

I hope he remembers your favourite movies, momma told me stupid does what stupid does or is it a what you saying half half isn't vegan? Oh your saying that you want track meet club?

I hope he remembers your favourite Marvel character, it's gotta be loki for tom but i remember Thor's hammer on your keychain.

I hope he makes art with you.

I hope he thinks of you when he works out at the gym.

I hope he goes to yoga with you.

I hope he likes watching starwars 1-9, but you like the original trilogy (4 5 6)

I hope he remembers your favourite characters in movies.

I hope he remembers that when you push people away it's because your trying to protect them. I'm guilty of this too.

I hope he makes a sacrifice for you, I've made mine to try get better for you and I'm in my last mile of a marathon.

I hope he remembers the names you picked out and their reasons. A&A

I hope he goes to the gym and gets a six pack.

I hope he grows his beard and his hair long.

I hope he keeps your secrets.

I hope no matter how long you are apart he never stops thinking about you.

I hope he's a writer, or a poet or musician.

I hope he opens doors for you.

I hope he pays for your dates and food out.

I hope he knows gutair.

I hope he remembers your favourite bands.

I hope you wear your band shirts proud.

I hope he knows the small things are actually the biggest part of girl.

I hope he knows that you aren't afraid to raise your voice but it's the non verbals he needs to notice.

I hope he gets a tattoo of what you remind him of.

I hope he looks for you in everyone after you.

I hope he apologises when he's fucked up.

I hope he likes his nickname.

I hope he likes playing the video games you like as much as you.

I hope he and you watch cartoons till sunrise.

I hope he carries a notebook and pen with him to write down his poems or something you might say.

I hope he never makes the same mistake twice.

I hope he remembers your triggers and tries to avoid them so you never feel pain or sadness.

I hope he remembers every word from your mouth and or wrote.

I hope he does what's best for you even if it hurts him.

I hope he can use his voice.

I hope when he leaves before you wake you find a letter.

I hope you find post it notes everywhere.

I hope he's smart.

I hope he's a doctor, PhD.

I hope he's funny.

I hope he listens to what you say when you say something, but some rules have to be broken my dear so i hope you don't mind when he does.

Lastly i hope he brings you happiness...

I hope whatever you do that some where or sometime you know he loves you because it's taken me 7 years to relaize that i love you and i can't have you but I've made peace with that i can't have you and now I'll do what you ask. I'll go because you asked me.

I'll do anything you ask of me...but you told me to go live my life but that's something i don't want to without you... but i guess I'll do what you ask if that's still what you ask of me I will do what ever you want me to do..

We didn't get the chance to talk about it but you meet many people at different times in your life the perfect person my dear is timeless, whatever is next for you, i hope he loves it just as much as you and is prepared to do what you ask of him, or at least he meets you half way and you work towards the common goal a sacrifice but it's a price i hope he pays because i paid the price and i don't want anyone else to go through that.

But I'm always going to be thinking about the girl from the mountains.

I never forgotten you or anything about you but here's a handful off the top of my memory, but i still have things i never asked because i thought i had more time then i relaized i had but that's the problem you think you have time oh cruel time can be.

People ask why something's are my favourite and i have to say something about it that isn't you.

And yes if when they ask about you I tell them i fucked up and I'm forever going to suffer but i don't talk about you to them.

Goodbye, Freind.

I'll miss you forever,

You will always be special to me, i guess i can't be anything but that. You taught me how to fall, you taught me I wasn't alone in my hard days.

You taught me so many things. But the hardest lesson I'm learning is to whatever she asks you do If she wants it you do it no matter whatever it is even if it means you never come back ever again.

You taught me about many things to many to remember but ultimately i can't stop thinking about them.

These are the ones stuck in my head and ultimately i also have to work on some so don't take it as gospel.

I hope this goodbye isn't as painful as the last but I've already said goodbye once before so it's not like anything is going to change for me...

You have to risk everything to get everything.

I understand that i must go loose myself to get my life, i remember when you told my mind was beautiful and all i saw was a smart man suffering now what i see is the psychologist reminding you how beautiful it is to see the world only like you.

In all my dreams, hopes, and dreams i held on because i couldn't bring myself to do it.

I tried but it was before March 23rd.

My last word for you is.. Hope.

Hold On Planet Earth.

[greenishbucket]

Via the Zombie Apocalypse

Ransom was the first to admit that he never would have pinned himself as the guy to survive the zombie apocalypse.

For @ransomweek day 1 (primum non nocere - “first, to do no harm”), 3 (crisis - a time of intense difficulty, trouble, or danger), and 4 (cacoethes - an irresistible urge to do something inadvisable).

Inspired by this tumblr post.

Ransom & Holster, 2.5k. Warnings for detailed descriptions of panic attacks, typical Bad Times of a zombie apocalypse, and a passing mention of the idea of overdosing. Also on ao3.

Ransom was the first to admit that he never would have pinned himself as the guy to survive the zombie apocalypse.

Like, sure, he used to play hockey before the world went to shit so he was pretty ripped and had some great stamina from running from the undead that wanted to eat his flesh. But he’s also had an anxiety disorder his whole life and he’d been in cities since birth, enjoyed the comforts available to him while those kinds of things were still around. Stuff like TV, salmon shorts, easily accessible amenities. Good music, the sound of his mom’s voice on the other end of the phone, food he didn’t have to hunt and/or extract from half-demolished supermarkets. Bagged milk. Small stuff.

And yet here he was. Surviving.

At least it’s not a movie, or you know we’d be the ones killed ten minutes in, his sister always said, back when it had first started, when they’d been sticking it out together. But then she’d got sick; not even zombie-sick, just regular sick, only there hadn’t been anyone left with resources or the knowhow, and if Ransom had just fucking gone to medical school like he’d said he would–

But there wasn’t anything to be done about it now. Now it was just Ransom, and some people he saw from a distance from time to time but didn’t risk getting too close to, and it sucked but that was how it was. He contained his panic attacks to a half hour each morning when it was light so at least he wouldn’t be a sitting duck to any zombie bros while his chest locked up and his head span and his stress responses went out of control.

And Ransom wasn’t all that sure what the point of it anymore was, exactly, but like fuck was that going to override his survival instinct.

And like fuck was this zombie apocalypse mess going to ruin every second of the last however long he had left. So he was making the most of the complete collapse of society, when he could – he watched movies for free in abandoned cinemas when he could get them working, he spent a nice couple of weeks by the coast looking out at the Atlantic Ocean and wondering if living on the sea might be better, he learned to drive manual and automatic.

What Ransom really wanted was to go and see Niagara Falls again. He hadn’t been since before he left for college, the last real family trip they ever got to go on, and he knew it was going to bring up all kinds of horrific repressed grief shit to see it again, but he still wanted it.

It was just an issue of logistics; he’d been travelling consistently further south to have a chance of surviving the winters, and he wasn’t sure about how to get the fuel to travel all the way back up north again, or how to travel safely on foot by himself. But Ransom had all the time in the world to figure that out, no deadlines coming up on the horizon other than the potential he’d turn into a zombie snack, which was a potential he mostly tried not to think about.

All in all, he’s pretty much settled into a routine of post-apocalyptic life. Ransom couldn’t help but create routine wherever he went.

And so it came as a bit of a shock, as stupid as Ransom felt to register it as a shock, when he was trying to scrounge up a couple of water purifying tablets to top up supplies and realised he wasn’t alone in the echoing, abandoned mall.

He could hear the heavy, soggy footsteps before he could hear the whistling breathing, laboured as decaying lungs tried their best. The rotting smell was permanent, didn’t matter if a zombie was right on top of you or a hundred miles out, lingering in the air so much Ransom barely registered it anymore. And maybe that had been his mistake, not that it mattered now.

Ransom had gone very still, frozen with a fear that left his mouth dry and his pulse thundering in his ears. He didn’t want to turn and see it; every time it was the same, the bone-deep instinct to not look, to go as still as possible and play dead. He felt like he was a kid again, curling up under the blanket and telling himself the monster under the bed couldn’t see him if he couldn’t see it, or a college freshman and hiding under his desk Googling how many anti-anxieties he could take before it was an OD.

It was with a sickening sense of dread that he realised he’d left his weapons across the way, beyond the now-dry fountain. It was a hot day, and the mall had a ceiling of glass that amplified the heat to unbearable, the AC had long rusted to uselessness. Ransom had put his shit down, figured it was best to conserve energy by not sweating himself into heat stroke while he looked around. God, I’m a fucking idiot.

But a zombie didn’t care if the dude it was eating was an idiot or not, and the zombie wasn’t moving all that slowly. Ransom breathed deep, sent up a prayer he wasn’t sure had any value, and turned.

Fuck, if zombies weren’t the ugliest thing he’d ever seen. Ransom knew some people had pegged him as a bit shallow back in the day, but this was deeper than that. There was something viscerally repulsive about zombies, the most basic parts of Ransom’s brain screaming at him that whatever was in front of him was wrongwrongwrong and he had to get away, now.

But everyone knew that you didn’t run away from a zombie. They’d only run after you, and a good seven times out of ten they could run faster, powered with whatever virus shit had got them that way unless they’d been zombie’d so long they were more rotten flesh than even a virus could hold together.

So it wasn’t just Ransom’s natural propensity for freezing when presented with fight or flight that kept him still. Plus, the zombie was closer than it had sounded and didn’t look as decayed as it could. The only way to escape would be to climb fast – except you’re in a fucking mall, dude, said a slightly hysterical voice in Ransom’s mind, are you going to climb the walls like Spiderman? – or to somehow distract the zombie enough to get time to run and grab whatever weapon he first laid hand on.  

For a moment, Ransom and the zombie looked at each other across the space between them.

Ransom could feel his t-shirt sticking to him with double the amount of sweat than before, and he’d already been pretty sweaty. The zombie was a tall, hulking mass of raw flesh, still wearing the remains of the dirty clothes of whoever it’d been before the poor sucker got contaminated. Its hair was blond, and its eyes were unsettlingly cognisant for all they were definitely not human.

Ransom felt sick. He was cornered, and this zombie was going to eat bits of him and then he was going to be a zombie and eat bits of whoever else was left in the world, and he didn’t want to hurt people. He would’ve taken an oath, if he’d ever actually gone to medical school. He was tired, and hungry, and thirsty, and the adrenaline pumping through his system was making him light-headed and twitchy. Ransom didn’t want to die.

And so when the zombie lunged at him, all putrid breath and gaping mouth full of broken teeth ready to rip out Ransom’s throat, Ransom did the unthinkably stupid: he bit the zombie first.

It tasted really bad. Like, so, so bad. He bit hard enough to break the zombie’s decaying skin and whatever came out wasn’t blood and it filled Ransom’s mouth and he pulled back, gagging and spitting and trying really hard not to freak the fuck out because did this count as contamination? No, that wasn’t how it worked, but had he made the zombie really angry? Did zombies even feel emotions?

The zombie collapsed. Just, like, flat out collapsed. Straight down into a crumpled heap on the floor of the abandoned mall, the bite mark Ransom had left in its arm still oozing sluggishly.

Ransom stared down at it. His thoughts were going haywire, everything moving too fast to catch onto, his chest getting tight and his head spinning and– oh. This was a panic attack.

It felt strange to sink onto the floor, put his head between his knees and shut his eyes tight. There was a maybe-dead-for-real zombie lying beside him, and this wasn’t part of the schedule. Ransom had already had his panic attack of the day, a familiar process of a curled-up meltdown after he’d pieced together some kind of breakfast.

He didn’t know what to do with it now, and the anxiety built as he realised without the imposed time-limit this attack could go on forever, what if it never stopped? He couldn’t live like that. Ransom couldn’t do life if it had to be like this forever, if he couldn’t repress everything and reassure himself one day it would be a funny story to tell in a therapist’s office when everything was fixed again. It had been hard enough adjusting cold turkey once his anxiety meds had run out; Ransom couldn’t adjust to this kind of anxiety as his new baseline. He couldn’t.

“Hey, hey, hey, dude. Listen, dude. It’s all good.”

The shock of hearing another person’s voice pushed the attack to its winding down stages like the old trick of a cold shower. Ransom still couldn’t respond, but he listened as the voice chattered a grounding stream of nonsense around him.

“… And so then here I am, as a zombie, which majorly sucked but you fixed me and I’m actually kind of blurry on the details for what happened which is cool. I don’t think I’d want to remember all that, we’ve all got enough nightmares and trauma to deal with, don’t you think?”

“Yeah,” said Ransom, because he couldn’t disagree. He opened his eyes, focused on the grimy floor for a moment. Dude was clearly out of his mind with that used-to-be-a-zombie thing, but it had been a long, long time since Ransom had spoken to anyone at all. It felt good, and bad, and a little overwhelming.

“Hey, you’re back,” said the voice, pleased, “I’d offer you water but I don’t even know where we are or what’s going on really, I’ll be honest with you.”

“The water hasn’t been cleaned, anyway, so–” Ransom started, and then he looked up and his voice died in his throat.

Where the zombie had been passed out, a dude was sitting. A dude that was talking to Ransom. He was as big as the zombie had been, and had the same blond hair, but his skin was smooth and whole, and his eyes were blue and human. He still had some massive fucking teeth, but they were all present an (a little unsettlingly) uniform. He was – someone smack Ransom for thinking it – kind of cute, for a definition of cute.

He also had a red ring of toothmarks on his arm, healed over like a few years old scar.

“Dude,” said Ransom. He didn’t know what to say other than that. His brain’s higher function section was entirely blank. This guy had been a zombie and now… he wasn’t anymore. Because Ransom had bitten him? The fuck.

“I know, right?” said the guy. “This is some pretty wild stuff. For sure thought when that zombie bit me there wasn’t any going back, but I guess sometimes you just have to fight fire with fire. Eye for an eye, bite for a bite.” The guy carried on rambling a little, in a way that made Ransom think he was trying to reassure himself with it. The dude did look a little twitchy around the eyes; Ransom gave him about fifteen minutes, max, until the guy was having his very own meltdown.

Ransom considered up and running. He hadn’t been around people in a long, long time and this dude had been a zombie a hot minute ago. Loneliness was better than getting attacked in his sleep, or, perhaps worse, being the one left behind again.

But then Ransom figured, well. Bite for a bite, support through a panic attack for support through a panic attack. He didn’t have to hang around longer than that if the guy did re-zombify, and if he turned out to be cool then Ransom would deal with any abandonment-grief if it came. The zombie apocalypse didn’t get to decide things for him.

“… and so I’m thinking, how about now I can actually appreciate shit and have sensation back in my limbs, I go to see something cool. Something that’s hopefully still around. Niagara Falls, maybe? Pretty hard for zombies to fuck that one up. I’ve only been once, but it was some pretty beautiful stuff and–”

“Bro, no way,” Ransom interrupted, else the guy anxiously talk himself horse and also because, “I’ve been thinking about going there myself.”

“No shit? You looking for an ex-zombie, newly found buddy to come with?”

The guy looked like he was trying not to look hopefully at Ransom and failing hard. Ransom couldn’t even imagine being a zombie and then coming back, let alone whatever horrible shit had probably happened to this dude before that. Like the guy had said: they all had enough nightmares and trauma to deal with. Maybe this was a sign it was time for Ransom to stop pretending to be dealing with it alone, to stop pretending that was a possibility for anyone.

“If you’re feeling up for it, man, that’d be awesome,” said Ransom, stomach flipping over at the excitement-anxiety-risk of it all. He hadn’t touched another human in years, but he held out a hand. “I’m Justin Oluransi, most people called be Ransom back in the day.” No one needed to know about Ranser; it sounded like rancid, Ransom wouldn’t be argued out of it.

The guy reached out to shake Ransom’s hand, warm and real and human. “Adam Birkholtz, the guys called me Holster.”

Ransom felt the last vestiges of worry about re-zombifying fade. There had been more unbelievable things since this zombie disaster started than the possibility that things were looking up for once, and he’d long learned to trust his gut instinct. Holster across from him didn’t send out the wrongwrongwrong signals now he wasn’t a rotting reanimated corpse; his hand felt good in Ransom’s and his smile as he introduced himself made something warm bloom in Ransom’s chest, a rightness that spread all the way down to his toes.

“Ransom and Holster,” he said, trying it out. “Off to Niagara Falls, via the zombie apocalypse. Sounds good to me.”

[sobertodeathh]

THE HOLY GRAIL OF MY KENT HC’S

Gonna put this under a cut bc it’s long. Chronological order.

He’s adopted

His birth mother had him when she was a teenager and couldn’t afford to keep a baby

His adoptive parents are nice enough but they don’t see eye to eye with Kent on a lot of things

His dad died when he was 14

His mom got really stressed, but his dad was super rich so everything was fine

Kent hated being alone with only his mom, so he chose to play hockey in Canada

Thus Jack

Also Bob & Alicia

Bob treated Kent like his own son!

Kent was like !!!!!!!!! omg!!!! 

He felt bad when he and Jack became a “thing” bc that’d be an awkward situation for Bob

Alicia introduced Kent to Britney Spears on accident

They were in the car and Toxic came on and Alicia was like this is my jam and she turned it up

Kent: !!!!!!!!!

Alicia: Oh God what did I do

Kent wasn’t very good at hockey when he started

But he worked super hard!!!!!

He conditioned himself to do that

Jack got his work ethic from watching Kent

Jack just had more natural skill

He’s a junk food hoe

THIS IS GONNA GET SAD FOR A BIT (mentions of Jack's od)

he found Jack

he was staying over at Jack’s

when he woke up he had to go to the bathroom

J was on the floor

Bob and Alicia didn’t let him go to the hospital

He walked there

Like,,,..,,..,, 4 miles. Damn son

When he got there the attendants didn’t let him in

He tried (and failed) to sneak in

He really didn’t know what was going on, and Bob and Alicia didn’t explain it to him

they’re really not to blame: their son was almost dead

Kent kind of aimlessly wandered around town that day

he got locked out of the house

accidentally, ofc. he forgot his key. the zimmermanns didn’t have a spare

he couldn’t afford a hotel

He didn’t have any friends on the team (except Jack), so he called his mom

she flipped out when she heard

she didn’t let him come home tho bc he had to be in Canada for the draft the next day

He went first

he hated it

it wasn’t supposed to be that way. he didn’t want to be first. he wanted his best friend to be first

he cried for about a week

His mom brought him back to NY to pack for Vegas

He cried the entire time

His mom was like why????

He explained what had been going on with Jack

(KENT OVERSHARES, OKAY??? GLAD WE’RE CLEAR)

She kicked him out

He’d always known -- he was fine with it, he knew it’d happen

So he goes to Vegas with no support system

His team is awesome and helps him out!!!!!

He never comes out to them 

Just to a few people

He can’t risk the team synergy

ANYWAYS

he loves the Aces!!!!!!!!!! So much!!!!!

Even before he got the C, he always was considered a leader

he was so charismatic and really good at hockey

when the old C retired, it was a no brainer to give him the C

As amazing as he is on the ice, this boy is fuck’d up

He’s basically an alcoholic

Swoops: Are you sure you should be drinking that much?

Kent, double fisting 2 bottles of pure Vodka: What do you mean

He just starts crying sometimes

Swoops and Kent, hanging out

Kent: so then I

Swoops: what???

Kent, sobbing: everything’s fine

He eventually explained everything to Swoops bc he’s Kent’s closest friend

Swoops was like oh my god go to therapy

Kent hasn’t

He tried to go to therapy once, but they wanted him to go on meds

he noped out 

He won the cup twice

HE IS GOOD AT HOCKEY

SLIGHTLY MORE PAINFUL

He is not over Jack

Jack thought he was

he only made it to 2/4 of Jack’s epikegsters

they def hooked up Jack’s freshman year

Jack denied it the next morning and forever after

Jack is over him

completely

he has bitty now, and he’s super happy!!!!

(i love zimbits so much I’m so happy for them)

Kent can’t understand that

He’s like

???????

we’re in love????????

He has too much of a sense of permanence and it’s a problem for him

he can’t deal with change

He never acts like himself

he’s actually a sweet guy but he learned to be kind of a jerk as a defense mechanism

(he’s a pretty boy)

He hasn’t dated anyone since Jack

(they never really dated)

He’s definitely had encounters with people, just never more than once

he just wants to be held

not even by someone he’s in love with

he just needs affection

He always consoles ppl and tells them they’ll be okay but he never takes the advice himself :((((((((( I’m sad now

i have more but i’ll stop

[marxpobert-blog]

Mark Twain was absolutely right. The heavens were definitely a replica of Mauritius. To quote him, “Mauritius was made first and then heaven. And heaven was copied after Mauritius.” Mauritius was paradise itself.  The ocean changed colours – from turquoise to teal, aquamarine to sapphire. The winds were flirting with the sugarcane stalks of the lush plantations as the waves of the ocean danced to the tunes. The mountains carpeted by forests framed the distant horizon. And the skies were magically adorned by rainbows – sometimes a couple of them. I was swept away by the beauty of Mauritius but I was  overwhelmed by the island holiday planned by Club Med resorts.   I stayed in two stunning luxury properties and one of the best Mauritius beach resorts – Club Med La Plantation D’Albion and Club Med La Pointe Aux Canonniers and they are one of the best places to stay in Mauritius.I was simply spellbound.If you are planning a trip to Mauritius, here are five reasons why you must plan it with Club Med Mauritius.

1.Postcards from Paradise 

Mauritius is absolutely stunning and at Club Med, you are literally living inside a picture post card that is straight out of paradise. I woke up to the songs of the birds at a luxurious resort,  Club Med La Plantation D’Albion which is set amidst 21 hectares of lush, wild and bountiful nature with the ocean for company. The Village as they call it is extremely cosy and has a very personal vibe to it. Zen pools and gardens greet you as even the rooms face the sea.

The property set in a lush woodland has two beaches protected by a coral reef. I was in a trance however when I stayed at the recently renovated Club Med La Pointe Aux Canonniers, one of the most beautiful Mauritius beach resorts where I was literally cradled in the arms of nature. Tucked away in a little peninsula and  surrounded by the oceans, lagoons and coves I was literally lost to the world. Palm trees sway around me intoxicated by the breeze. And I danced to the tune of nature. The Club Med resorts are in such stunning locales and are one of the best places to stay in Mauritius.

2.Excursions to experiences

Club Med Mauritius is not just about beauty, luxury and elegance but these Mauritius beach resorts are your passport to everything that you want to experience in Mauritius. You just have to let Club Med resorts plan your entire Mauritian adventure. The buzzword here is “ All-inclusive” – from excursions to experiences, meals to drinks, entertainment to activities and even free wifi. While breakfast is virtually round the clock, you have a choice of restaurants that serve both Mauritian and Continental cuisine and bars and lounges as well.

There are pools virtually everywhere – anywhere between two to four of them, including kiddie pool and zen pool. We played golf and learnt Taichi while some flew high on the trapeze at Club Med La Plantation D’Albion and experienced water sports at Club Med La Pointe Aux Canonniers. You can go kayaking, snorkeling, jet skiing and even sailing besides island hopping. There are several excursions that you can choose from – wildlife excursions to Casela National Park or shopping at Port Louis market based on your interest, which are some of the best places to see in Mauritius. 

3.Family travel to solo travel

Club Med resorts cater to every kind of traveller.While it seems like the ideal place to spend time with your family, you can also bring your grandparents and parents here for a lovely family reunion. They call it the holiday for 4G as in four generations. Their attention to detail and outstanding service is something that can only be experienced.

The GOs go out of the way to ensure that your holiday is special. Club Med resorts also have extremely customised activities catering to babies and young kids and these tiny explorers as they are called are pampered to the core. While I realized that this is an ideal family destination, I felt that it was perfect for a solo travel as well or just a simple holiday with a group of friends to relax, unwind and chill.

4.Party every night

On the opening night at Club Med La Plantation D’Albion, I was taken in by the vibrant party as Beyonce took centre stage, The night was virtually electrifying. Later I learnt that Beyonce was none other than the vivacious Emile, a GO from the Club Med resorts who greet us everyday. I was however stunned by the transformation. The talented group just set the night on fire.

But every night is party night in Club Med.Colourful dancers sway to the rhythm of SEGA, which is not just the ritual dance of Mauritius but an expression of the lively Mauritian way of life. The night comes alive until the wee hours of the morning. There are white parties and beach parties. The spirits are so high that you are always heady with joy in Mauritius.

5.An ode to slow travel

And while there is so much to do, see, experience and explore, you can also like me just tune out of the worldly pleasures and just give in to the beauty of nature. Lose yourself in the songs of the waves as the little ditties are carried by the mischievous winds, watch the bright red Mauritian fody woo his mate, listen to the songs of the parakeets and the bulbuls, laze by the beach and gaze endlessly upon the sun and the sea, count the number of rainbows that adorn the skies, take long walks along the beach, listen to the pitter patter of the raindrops, see countless sunrises and sunsets and embrace every moment. And that to me, is the best part of the trip as its just an ode to slow travel.

  In all my travels, I have been lost in the beauty of the landscape or the delicious flavour of the food or the vivacious night life or the fun experiences – but here was one travel experience where everything was served to me in a single platter. And that for me makes the stay with Club Med Mauritius absolutely special. It is undoubtedly one of the best Mauritius beach resorts and one of the best place to stay in Mauritius. 

This post in written in collaboration with Club Med who had invited us to Mauritius and had hosted us in their two properties.

The post Five reasons why you must stay with Club Med Mauritius appeared first on Lakshmi Sharath.

[killer-barnes]

Period Pains

Peter Parker x Reader

Summary: Reader gets a visit from mother nature and Peter is there to save the day. 

Word Count: 1,251

Warnings: Language (as always), period pain (?).

A/N: I apologize for my lack of posts. School has been weighing me down for the past few weeks. I’ll try and upload something new this week if I have time. Please let me know what you guys think! I decided to try someone other than Bucky, lol. Feedback really helps me understand what you guys like. 

You know the day right before you get your period or a few days before and you totally veg out with unnecessary junk? That’s what you were currently doing. Sitting on the couch with a mini Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, oreo’s, candy, you name it. You tried working on some school work that was supposed to be due tomorrow, but for the life of you, you couldn’t keep a damn focus on anything. 

Plopping down in your bed full of fluffy, warm blankets, you doze off into a food coma. However, the next morning, you would regret it all.

Why?

Your period. 

As your alarm blares, you slap it, trying to turn off the deadly noise that was filling your ears. But that was a mistake as a shooting pain came straight into you lower stomach. 

Your eyes widen as you think, 

Shit… my period. 

It may seem as though you are exaggerating when it comes to your period, but some people honestly have it worse than others, you being one of them. Not only are the cramps bad, but so are the migraines,  bloating, just everything.  God, you fucking HATED periods.

You knew it wouldn’t be best to attend school today, so you decide to text your Mom and tell her what’s up. She understands since she’d dealt with it before. Your Mom works at home as well, so she can help get you whatever you may need.

As soon as you send the text, you change into a pair of sweats and a hoodie and head to the bathroom to save yourself from a bloody mattress.

Peter arrives to school a few minutes before the bell rings, waiting for you at his locker as he does everyday. 

She’s never late…

He thought as the final bell rung to get to class. 

Pulling out his phone as he walks to his first class, he decides to text you to see if you’re okay. 

Peter: To Y/N

Hey, Y/N? Are you okay?

Trying not to worry too much, Peter derives his attention to his first period, Biology. 

Right before the class ends, his phone gets a vibrate, indicating a text message. He waits until the bell rings and heads to his locker to get his books for his second period. As he reaches the locker, he pulls out his phone and sees a text from Y/N. 

Y/N: To Peter

Sorry, Pete. I’m not feeling that great today. 

Peter quickly sends a reply, after stuffing the necessary books into his backpack haphazardly. 

Peter: To Y/N

I’m sorry, Y/N. Do you need anything? I could drop off the stuff you miss after school. 

After a while, you don’t answer him back and he gets the thought you probably fell asleep.

Peter decides to get your school work for you once school ended, just so you wouldn’t have that added stress on your shoulders. He only lives about 10 minutes away from you anyways. 

Heading out of the school with your homework in his hands, he makes his way towards your apartment.

Peter reaches the correct door, knocking enough to be heard. The door swings open to see Y/N’s Mom, who Peter knew worked from home since he came over a few times throughout the week before.

She lets him in and Peter notifies her about the homework he brought for Y/N. He saw smile appear on her face as she thanked him kindly, while letting him know he can go see Y/N. 

“Oh, Peter. Just a warning, she may be sleeping from the meds I gave her a few hours ago.” Y/N’s Mom said, heading towards the stairs where Peter was. 

He gave her a smile and a nod as he made his way up the rest of the stairs approaching your bedroom door. 

He sees the door cracked a bit and slowly opens it, while stepping in. He quietly walks, trying to avoid every creak the floor makes under his shoes. He sees you passed out in a ball underneath a heap of blankets. 

God, Y/N looks so adorable. 

Peter thought, smiling down at you. 

He was slowly brought out of his thoughts as you stir around, whimpering and groaning, slowly waking up from your drowsy sleep.

“Mom, can you get me some more medicine. It hurts reaaaally bad.” You mumble, shifting around the bed in pain. 

“U-uh, h-hey, Y/N. I broug-” Peter stuttered. 

“You sound different Mom, wha-”, you drowsily say, interrupting Peter.

Opening your eyes and expecting to see your Mom, you instead see a flustered Peter Parker standing at the entrance of your bedroom. 

You sit up quickly, your face glowing beet red. However, as soon as you realize the rapidness of your actions, you fall down onto your bed in pain. 

“Fuuuck, b-bad idea.” You groaned in agony. 

“A-are you okay, Y/N?” Peter’s voiced laced with concern as he moves to sit at the end of your bed. 

“Y-yeah, I-uh, I just have, uh, cramps…” You stammered, turning even more red than before. 

It took Peter a few seconds to process what you had just said. Once he did, realization hit him like a bullet. 

You’re on your period.

After a few minutes of silence, you slip out a stream of “fucks” as another wave of cramps hits you, this one being the worst. 

You felt tears prick your eyes, seeping down the sides of your cheeks. You hated others seeing you cry, so you quickly hid your face from Peters. 

Peter, however, notices, and makes his way over to you. 

“I-I, uh, do you need a-anything? I could go get some cho-” 

You let out another whimper, clutching your stomach, which causes him to stop stammering.  He kneels down to face you with worry plastered across his face.

He sighs, stroking you hair, wiping any stray tears away, “I’m sorry you have to go through this.”

An idea pops into his head and he quickly tells you he’ll be right back.

You drift off for a few minutes until he comes back, softly shaking you awake. 

“Hey, Y/N. I got you some advil and some chocolate, s-since y’know that, uh, helps and stuff, I hear.” he rambles, setting them down at the nightstand near your bed. 

You mumble a quiet thank you. 

As he’s about to leave, since he doesn’t know what else to do, you grab his arm with a pleading look in your eyes. 

Peter gets the memo and heads towards the other side of the bed to join you. He takes off his shoes and sets them neatly down under the bed. As soon as his back is pressed against the headboard, you turn towards him and wrap your arms around his middle, resting your head on his chest. 

Holy shit, Peter is glad you can’t see his face because his blushing could set the room on fire. 

You felt his warmth radiate off of him, sending comfort and ease to your cramps and pain. 

Letting out a relaxed, yet sleepy sigh and without comprehension of your words you say, “I love you, Pete.” 

Absorbing what you just said, Peter smiles so big it might fall right off his precious face. He never knew you felt the same way. 

F-fuck, Y/N loves me? Really, me? O-oh my go-od! This is great! This is SO GREAT! 

As he calms himself down, Peter brings his hand to stroke your hair once again and leans down to whisper in your ear, “And I love you, Y/N. Forever and always.” 

[ruddiestbubbles]

Remember Those Walls I built

The first time Jack hears Halo it’s during his junior year. Bittle is in the kitchen, kneading dough of some kind, hips swaying back and forth as he sings along softly. It’s a song he’s never heard, but it’s got a good beat and the singer is decent, though he much prefers country. He doesn’t mean to just stand there in the door to the kitchen, silently watching, but the song really caught his attention, and threw his mind back many years.

Also on AO3: http://archiveofourown.org/works/10209050

Parson had once been grounding. He’d been like gravity, always pulling him back to the ground when he’d gotten lost in the dark storm clouds of anxiety. Jack had fallen for Kenny, and he’d fallen hard. Maybe he wasn’t in love. No he hadn’t been. What he felt for Kenny was purely physical, sure he was a good friend-- okay maybe not a good friend, but decent at least-- but it was only ever physical. But none the less, Kenny had gotten past those walls he’d built, they weren’t very high, but they were there.  

Kenny had been a lot of things to Jack, best friend, hockey teammate, support system, friend with benefits. Their friendship was rocky, sometimes all smiles and laughs, while other times it was words spewed with venom. It didn’t help that their lives were so thoroughly ingrained that they knew every little thing about each other, from what made them tick to what made them a withering moaning mess. It was something they used to their own advantages on a daily basis. Their relationship was radioactive. A ticking bomb just waiting to hit zero. And it did. The destruction was paralyzing, bringing everyone in Jack’s life to a grinding halt, frozen in the moment, like a leaf that’s just landed in a pond that’s freezing over in the icy cold winter.

Kenny hadn’t frozen, not like Jack or Alicia or Bob. He went first in the draft. When Jack had woken up and heard, well, that had been the equivalent of a knife to the heart which someone had grabbed and twisted. And maybe whatever higher being was up there had just wanted a nice solid laugh, because the tear stains on Bob’s face and the still falling tears on Alicia’s just twisted that knife even more. The pure sympathy and sorrow, well, that had hurt to see too. He knew then and there that he’d fucked up. That he was fucked up. Royaly.

Of course while he was in rehab he thought about Kenny. Thought about how they could be out there on the ice together, the most amazing duo the hockey world had ever seen. But no. He fucked up and now he’s in rehab without Kenny. Even though Kenny had said so many terrible things, he still felt like he needed him, like he wanted to be right by his side in every single way possible. But that relationship was toxic, a bomb counting down from ten on a constant loop. Maybe this was all a blessing in disguise, though it sure didn’t seem like it at the time, not when his body was weak and his mind foggy and yearning for something. But he didn’t feel anything anymore, except for a strong desire for his anxiety meds and Kenny.

He did try calling Kenny. It had gone straight to voicemail and that had hurt, but when his phone had started ringing, Kenny’s name on the screen and that picture of him of Jack side by side, both holding red solo cups, he just couldn’t answer. Not the first call, or the second, or the third, or the fourth. He never did answer again, not the calls or the texts. And Jack watched with sorrow as Kenny took the NHL by storm.

That should be me

He thought it everytime he saw ESPN talking up Kenny like a god-- again-- and every Aces game he watched. Bob tried everything he could to talk Jack out of watching the games, out of anything hockey, but it didn’t work. When Jack was finally able enough he instantly started a rough routine. Wake, eat, workout, protein shake, hockey, a long run, shower, eat, sleep. It was a constant. Constants helped with his anxiety. Alicia and Bob both worried endlessly about Jack. He was constantly pushing himself too hard, too fast, too much. It was unbearable seeing their son pushing himself to the very edge and then collapsing into sleep when he thought he’d had enough.

Jack had eventually gotten back to where he was and farther. His chubbiness was gone. He had grown into his height, mostly, he was still did that awkward slouchy thing where he thought that would make him feel less big. His muscles were toned and strong, but his heart wasn’t in it. His heart had not been in it since the OD. He used to live and breathe hockey, but now, he just dabbled, more or less.

“You look exhausted.” Bob would say, a hand resting on Jack’s tense shoulder.

“I am exhausted.”

“You know, it’s okay to relax, right?”

“But what do I accomplish in that? I just feel like I’m not getting anywhere!”

“Sometimes it’s okay to stop, take a breath, and enjoy the view.”

That simple talk had been enough to open Jack’s eyes. He stopped his ridiculous routine the very next day. It made him anxious, but that was okay. He still went on a long run in the morning, protein shake, shower, reading a history book-- he found it on a desk in his dad’s desk and instantly fell in love. He made so many trips to the library in the following weeks. He got into the habit of sitting on the back porch with a book and bottle of gatorade while the sun set in the distance. Sometimes he’d even fall asleep and Bob would wake him up with a small laugh and a hopeful glint in his loving brown eyes.

He even started coaching a peewee team, by his dad’s suggestion, and he loved it. It wasn't the same as playing hockey, but the kids he coached were so cute and had so much determination, it was honestly inspiring. It was long lived though when he packed up and went off to Samwell. He’d gotten far better since the overdose, but he still a closed off person. His wall was built high and thick, no one was going to get through it. Well, no one except Shitty, or Lardo, or Ransom and Holster. But they weren't like Kenny, and they had to fight teeth and nail to get through that wall.

But then there was Bittle, standing in the kitchen, swaying his hips to Halo and singing along quietly, and all Jack could do was stare, lip his licks and walk the fuck away before he actually started drooling. After that day, well, he took a deep breath and clamped down on those feelings, they were not something he needed, or wanted, quite frankly. He distanced himself from Bittle. He didn’t mean to be an asshole, but it just kinda happened, and it was exhausting.

Sometimes it’s okay to stop, take a breath, and enjoy the view

So he took a deep breath, stepped back, and just tried to enjoy it. The checking practices were going well. He wasn’t too much of an asshole anymore, though he had his moments. Then the check happened and Jack couldn’t breath. But Bittle was okay. That was good. It was great. But Jack was the opposite. He blamed himself fully and that too was taking a toll. But Bittle forgave him. That didn’t fully settle the anxiety in the pit of his stomach, but it helped.

Over break, back home in Montreal, he skated on the pond in the backyard, played shinny with his dad and uncles and read so many history books. Bob noticed the slightly off way Jack was acting rather quickly.

“What’s on your mind?” Bob asked gently as they skated slow laps around the pond.

“It’s euh… nothing, yeah, nothing.”

Bob chuckled. “Definitely not nothing. I won’t push, but you can talk to me, eh?”

Jack skated a couple more laps, his eyes on his skates, the slow flash of silver. “It’s euh… umm….” He shook his head, took a breath and tried again. “...Feelings.. Euh.” And well, he was never good with words.

“Oh? Who’s the lucky person?”

“Daaaad.” He groans, gliding to a stop. “It’s a guy from the team…..”

“Is it that cute Bittle kid?”

He puts his head in his hands, his face bright red. “Y-yeah.”

“I totally called it! Your mom owes me twenty bucks!”

“Daaaaaad.”

“Have you asked him out yet?”

“N-no… I’ve euh…. Been a bit of an asshole to him.”

“Bud, it’s okay to like someone, no matter who they are.”

“I know….”

“And it’s okay to let yourself have things.” Bob puts a hand on Jack’s shoulder, getting him to look him in the eye. “You know what your uncle says, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”

When Jack came back from break, well, he didn’t exactly take that shot right away. He was going to, at the kegster, but Kenny showed up, and that was a shit storm. A raging storm. And then christmas break rolled around and Bob and Alicia pestered him for deets, which he had none of. Something always seemed to get in the way; whether it be weird schedules, people, or just bad luck, but Jack just couldn’t seem to be able to tell Bittle.

One day Jack came back from a class, the Haus was blissfully empty, besides Bittle, in the kitchen, Halo playing and Bittle swaying and dancing as he kneaded dough, singing along gently. And Jack just stood there, in the doorway, staring.

Remember those walls I built

Well, baby, they're tumbling down

And they didn't even put up a fight

They didn't even make a sound

Jack hadn’t even realized it, but those walls he had built so high and so thick after Kenny, well, they had tumbled down, and he didn’t even notice.

I found a way to let you win But I never really had a doubt Standing in the light of your halo I got my angel now

Bittle was perfectly haloed by the sun, his golden hair glowing, his small hips swaying ever so slightly. Jack was so fucking gone.

It's like I've been awakened

Every rule I had you break it

It's the risk that I'm taking

I ain't never gonna shut you out

He hasn’t felt this way since Kenny, and even with Kenny it was nothing like this. It wasn’t heart stopping, it didn’t make his brain stop and anxiety settle. This was so, so, so different from anything he’s ever felt before.

Everywhere I'm looking now I'm surrounded by your embrace Baby, I can see your halo You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more It's written all over your face Baby, I can feel your halo Pray it won't fade away

How did he not realize this before? How could he not see just how much he wanted Bittle. How much he needed him in his life. It was too much, and yet at the same time, not enough.

I swore I'd never fall again But this don't even feel like falling Gravity can't forget To pull me back to the ground again

Bittle was it for Jack. That was the one thing he knew for sure in that moment. There was no one else like Bittle in the world, and Bittle’s all Jack’s ever wanted.

“Jack! You scared me!” Bittle squeaked, as he finally saw Jack. “Jack….?” He ventured, seeing the way Jack’s sad droopy blue eyes blown wide, mouth slightly ajare. “Jack, honey, are you okay?”

Bittle was right there. Shinning golden perfection. And he wanted, so bad, more than he’d wanted anything in his life. More than he’d wanted Kenny, and definitely worse than the crazy withdrawal he went through in rehab. He swore he wouldn’t fall again, not after Kenny, but this wasn’t like that, this didn’t feel like falling, it was like floating high above the clouds. And maybe Bob was right, he was allowed to have this. But talking was never his strong suit. So he took rushed steps forward and kissed Bittle. Bittle squeaked, startled, but it seemed like all he could to kiss back. It wasn’t hungry and dirty, no, it was a long, slow burn of lips and tongue. Jack pulled back once, just to see this was real, he didn’t believe it, but maybe he should. He kissed Bittle again, because that’s all he could do, step back, take a deep breath, and enjoy the view.

[hugealienpie]

Check, Please! fic recs: a far from complete compendium

So, @treefrogie84​ made the very astute observation that the Check, Please! fic world is sort of... messy? and asked for a rec list. This is a VERY LARGE TASK, which is why it’s taken me so long to complete it.

Please bear in mind that, as in all things, this is a highly subjective list, leaning toward my personal preferences. A few heavy hitters, especially in the zimbits ship, aren’t here, not because I think they’re bad, but because I have a few idiosyncratic needs when it comes to that pairing. Think of this list as a launching point and see where it takes you.

Also bear in mind that a lot of great CP fics are canon-divergent AUs solely by virtue of CP being a live work constantly in motion. Remind yourself that events in fic may not match up with Canon As We Know It, and you should be fine.

First off, I recommend checking out everything in the Can’t Hardly Wait collection, which is described thusly: 

What happened in Jack and Eric's lives and relationship between Jack's graduation day (May 18, 2015) and the 4th of July weekend when Jack visited Eric in Madison, Georgia? This challenge invites authors to post a short work, chapter, or sketch each day chronicling the passage of time "live".

The completed ones are all gold.

Some longer fic recs, in absolutely no order whatsoever (in keeping with our theme of “CP fic is kind of a sprawling mess”):

Maybe it’s a faux pas to start everything else off with an au, but my absolute, hands down, favorite long CP fics are the librarian!Bitty aus by @marswithghosts. The first is A Little Bit Closer (Bitty/Jack,  107,963 words, Explicit); the recently completed sequel is if this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is (Parse/OMC with background zimbits,  48,557 words, Explicit). I’ve read the first one like a billion times, and @the-wordbutler and I kept a running commentary with each other throughout the second. There’s angst without anything feeling hopeless or bogged down. There’s really candid discussions of Jack’s anxiety and the physical effects of the meds. There are conflicts and crises that feel very real. There is Bitty absolutely slaying Parse via Twitter. There is, without exception, my favorite fan depiction of Kent Parson. I have a very difficult relationship with fan!Parse, but I always know I’m in good hands with marswithghosts.

Madison fics are, of course, their own beasties. My favorite (and I’m only a little biased because I was one of the betas) is In Bloom and Blossom by @sweaterkittensahoy (Perpetual Motion on AO3, 29,463 words, Mature). Perpet is a virtuosa of small-town southern life. If you want a fic where Madison, Georgia feels like a real place you could actually visit, this is the one to read. Also, the SMH group chats are amazing.

Hey, speaking of Perpet, she’s also the author of the ongoing Haus Bylaws series, in which, as the name implies, there are so many Haus hijinks.

And also she wrote “Revenge is Best Served @” (1,894 words, General), a zimbits future fic in which Bitty takes hilarious, passive aggressive aim at some ESPN commentators who call him Jack’s trophy husband.

My favorite entry in the zimbits fake-dating category is “Jack Zimmermann is a Masochistic Fuckwit” by @porcupine-girl (11,538 words, Teen). Lovelorn Jack agrees to fake-date Bitty because he hates himself. Then fake-dating Bitty helps Jack stop hating himself.

Despite the awkward title, “Daddy Lessons” by @novembersnowflakes (13,577 words, Mature), is a lovely exploration of the Jack-Bad Bob dynamic, with a lot of heartfelt exploration of their misunderstandings and miscommunications through the years.

Heart of Ice by flowerfan (55,645 words, Mature) is a really au au. Like... a science fictiony au. Probably the only “Jack ghosts Bitty” fic I will ever recommend, because the reason for Jack’s disappearance turns out to be so startling and unexpected that it made me sit up and take notice in a big way.

I do read a fair amount of Nurse/Dex. But I guess I’m... pickier? about them? Because I have far fewer bookmarks for them. But if you need your NurseyDex fic fix, definitely take a gander at The Mechanics of Poetry series by @omgericzimmermann. It starts with Dex teaching Nurse how to drive, but it’s just so much more than that.

There’s also Idiot (derek nurse, spoken word, 2016), by Euphorion (23,050 words, Mature). It’s technically part three of Euphorion’s Best Laid Plans series, but you don’t need to read the other parts for this one to make sense. The other parts are good, too! This one’s just my favorite. It’s got fake dating and trans!Dex and one of Nurse’s poems that doesn’t make me want to gouge my eyes out with a melon baller.

And this one, which is brand new: “I’ll Take My Chances” by Tripped (24,176 words, Teen). Alternate reality/dimension-hopping Nurse running into multiple versions of Dex and the rest of the SMH gang. It’s a lot of fun.

And now for some >10k stuff I really dig (also in no particular order):

“Jack 110% Zimmermann commits to this relationship really fast” is kind of its own zimbits subgenre. My favorite is “From the Hinge of the Tail” by @eugenideswalksintoabar, largely because of Shitty’s prominent (and hilarious) role in the proceedings.

“The Utterances of Storms” by @rcmclachlan​ (3,525 words, General). Bitty shows off his figure skating and the gang flips its fucking shit. My note says, “I am 40% sure this writer isn't a witch.”

“The Boy Who Hid His Heart in the Ice” by @airspaniel​ (3,363 words, Teen). A lovely fairy taleish retelling of Jack’s childhood, OD, and time at Samwell.

“through the crowd” by kirkaut (4,488 words, General). The Hausmates get the notion that Bitty’s dating someone named “Good Robert.” Things snowball hilariously from there.

“every breath that is in your lungs is a tiny little gift to me” by @gaysun (4,659 words, Teen) has shitlards and zimbits, but it’s really about the glorious friendship of Shitty and Jack, and it’s super great.

“Un ciel aussi rose” by @stultiloquentia (3,794 words, Teen) is glorious zimbits fluff about being on boats.

“Edible Arrangements” by CoffeeStars (4,477 words, Teen). In which there is tadpole-POV, Bitty’s secret lumberjack sugar daddy boyfriend, and LAX bros. I reread it a lot when I need a giggle.

“Sunday Morning Brunch” by SilverSpell (1,295 words, General), is short, sweet zimbits fluff that’s actually all about Alicia Zimmermann being awesome.

And to round out the list with a bit of a wild card, “Harvard Drag” by @mamaliza (1,947, Explicit) is one damned hot shitlards fic in which Lardo has a massive kink about Shitty’s Harvard douchebag persona.

Wooo! This was fun. Thanks for the ask, and thanks for your patience.

[ryleesfanfiction]

Alive- Chapter Six

We were sitting on the bed, our eyes focused on the TV playing in front of us.

"Two local teenage boys escaped from Blackwell Psychiatric Ward early this morning,"  

Suddenly our pictures were on the screen, Phil scoffed and threw a sock at the TV.

"That's so unflattering."

"Why do they always have to take the worst pictures?" I ask.

Suddenly the screen cut to who I guessed was Phil's mom.

"I don't know how this happened but, Philip, if you're are listening to this, please come back to Blackwell, or home. Please."

"This is bullshit." Phil said, clicking off the TV.

My anxiety spiked as his voice raised.

"They don't give a shit about me! They just want to lock me up again because I'm crazy, because I'm not normal! Cause I got something wrong with my brain!" Phil thumped himself on the head with his palm, pacing back and forth in front of the bed.

"Phil, you're not crazy, come sit back down. Don't hurt yourself." I pat the bed beside me.

"Apparently I am! My parents only want me to come back to Blackwell so they don't look like bad parents for having a mentally ill kid!"

"Phil, you're not ill."

"Yeah I am, I'm fucking nuts!"

"Have you taken your meds yet?" I ask, my brow furrowing in confusion.

"I don't need to take my freaking meds, they only make it worse!" He snaps causing me to jump at his voice. "They give you the meds so they can flaunt their fancy Harvard degree and say 'I fixed your kid, now pay me loads of money'. I should have just died when I tried to kill myself, then my parents wouldn't have to spent so much money on me."

Now I was getting mad, how could Phil get mad at me for something I couldn't control? Yeah, we were both a little crazy but that's not our fault, we were born with it, we can't control it. How could Phil say he should have died, what would I do? Did he want to die? Did he not want to be with me anymore? Of course he doesn't want to be with you anymore, you're just a burden, just a reason to get out of Blackwell. Voices fog my mind, covering up any reasonable decisions.

"What do you think I would do without you?! Huh? I would just be at Blackwell with all of the other crazy's, wasting away until I eventually OD from all the meds! I would be all alone, basically dead, unable to feel anything! I get it if you just want to get away from me, everyone else does, but at least say it now so this can all be over. Don't fuck with my feelings, Lester, everyone else already does."

Phil takes a step back, shaken from my words. He stutters for a response but comes up with none. Exactly, he can't come up with any lies about how he 'loves' you. He doesn't love you, no one does, you're unlovable, just a hopeless romantic who can't even be happy. If you can't be happy then how are you supposed to be loved? How are you supposed to love? You can't. You're going to die alone, you stupid fuck.

I get off the bed and walk past Phil, leaving him inside the room to sputter for a response I'll never hear. Slamming the door behind me, I angrily walk down the hallway letting the voices take over. I was tried, so tired of trying to fight them off, maybe they were right. Phil didn't love me, no one can love me. I push out of the glass doors and outside, the slight breeze sends shivers down my spine. I don't know where to go so I just walk aimlessly around town, looking at the unfamiliar buildings. Was I in a different city than Blackwell? This town didn't look familiar, it didn't spike any memory, then again I had slight amnesia from my schizophrenia. . . but wouldn't the pills fix that? I hadn't taken my meds yet so that would explain the voices, I really needed my meds but I wasn't going to walk back and face Phil, not after what happened.

"Hey, kid." Someone hissed.

I came to a quick stop, looking down a dark alley.

"You wanna have some fun?"

------

Phil's POV (oof)

He's been gone too long, hours for that matter. I thought it would be best if I just let him go, let him cool off. After I took my meds I realized what I did, I made him think I didn't need him. He's wrong, I need him more than anything, I need him so much, he means so much to me I can't be here without him. He makes me feel sane, as ironic as that is.

I pull on my shoes and coat, pocketing the key card before taking off to find Dan. It was late, the sun was setting and it was getting darker by the minute. I need to find him before dark. I roam the streets for what feels like hours, panic sweeps over my heart as the sun sets and darkness takes over. Where was he? Where could he have gone. I spin around when I hear a noise, soft crying. I knew that sound, it was Dan. Thank God. Turning into an alleyway I see a small figure leaning against the brick wall.

"Dan?" I try to swallow the shakiness of my voice but it still comes out as a shaky as my tremors.

"Phil?" He hiccups.

"Oh Dan, come here!" I fall to my knees, wrapping his small frame in my arms.

He was shaking, cold and crying.

"I need my meds..." He cries. "I feel so sick."

"You're withdrawing, come on let's go back to the hotel." I stand up, pulling him up with me.

"I threw up a couple of times." He moans.

"That's alright, we'll get your meds. Can you walk?"

"Barley. . . my legs are s-shaking too much."

I wrap my arm around his waist, using myself as a crutch. We somehow make our way back to our room, after kicking the door closed I set Dan in the bathroom, running a hot shower. He strips of his clothes as I get his meds, helping him swallow them. As he showers I sit on the bed, waiting for his return. Steam follows his exit from the bathroom, he was dressed in a white t-shirt and his sweatpants hung low on his hips, he fell onto the bed face first. I rolled over and ran my hand through his hair, within minutes he was asleep. I just really hope he gets better, I love him so much, I hate seeing him in pain. Yet again, this was my fault.

[inc0-mparable]

I’m going to be completely honest here. I feel like I’m dying, each day I find it so hard to carry on breathing, I feel like my heart can’t catch up with my body. I feel like the whole world has just been thrown on top of me. People say “well if you don’t want to live then why do you go to your appointments” “why haven’t you done anything already” the answer to each of those questions is I don’t want to leave the hurt and the guilt on my family, but it isn’t fair. I didn’t choose to be born, I didn’t choose to live and I certainly didn’t choose to be mentally ill. It hurts, it hurt so bad having to pull myself up off the floor every single second of the day, having to act positive and smile around everyone just to keep them happy, when I’m depressed, my mum is depressed, and I feel so guilty for doing that to her. Killing myself would be even worse because I know it’d shatter her heart into thousands and thousands of pieces. It’d kill my best friend, I can’t hurt her like that, she struggles too and I want to be the reason she stays alive, but what about me? Why do I have to run on a broken leg all the time? What benefit do I get out of breathing? I don’t get any. I can’t sleep, ever. I have to OD on my meds just to sleep at night and then waking up and having to repeat the whole day over again. It’s just a constant, vicious, repetitive cycle. It’s constant battles with myself. It’s constant tears when nobody is looking. It’s breakdown after breakdown. I don’t want therapy, it doesn’t help, it just makes me remember all the reasons why I’m like this, it’s remembering all the reasons I hate myself. Food is a whole different thing, counting calories before I go to bed, purging, lax abuse, self abuse, stomach aches, palpitations, brittle hair, broken nails, lack of energy, lack of concentration. Lack of living. I don’t enjoy anything anymore, I used to read until my hearts content, I journaled for hours, I watched series after series. I can’t do that anymore, my concentration is non existent. I’m scared and I don’t know why. Im angry at the world, at other people and at myself. I want to die. I don’t see a meaning to life. It’s pointless. It’s cruel. It’s corrupt, but it’s true. I. Am. Done. Trying. And don’t anybody dare tell me that I don’t try because I’m breathing and that’s so fucking hard. Breathing is enough, so I’ve been told. Waking up every morning is enough. Forcing myself to eat is enough. But not everybody thinks so. “Try coping strategies” “get yourself out the house” “have a shower” “read a book” “watch TV” “ground yourself” FUCK OFF WITH YOUR STUPID ‘TECHNIQUES’. You try living with these thoughts. You try your god damn coping techniques when you’re seconds away from taking your life. YOU TRY YOUR STUPID ICE CUBE SHIT AND ELASTIC BAND CRAP WHEN ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS SCREAM AT THE TOP OF YOUR GOD DAMN LUNGS. It HURTS. Do people not how much energy and effort it takes to get out of bed in the morning or the amount of energy it is just to have a shower. I’m so god damn tired and no amount of sleep can ever fix it. I have no life in me, I’m dead inside. I’m empty. I’m alone. I’m scared. I’m in pain constantly. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t fight anymore. I can’t bare this excruciating pain in the pit of my stomach. I can’t. I fucking can’t, okay? So shove your stupid techniques up your arse.