#WHY AM I YOUR DESIGNATED THERAPIST

[thisisaname-whatahappyname]

i fucking hate my cousins why is it that whenever you guys vent to me im expected to be all therapist to you guys but whenever i vent u guys just dismiss my problems like. fuck you asshols go comfort yourselves. fucking users.

[alchemistc]

"Evan's not here," Tommy says, and Eddie scowls at him as he pushes past Tommy, already aiming for the kitchen as he hitches the six pack he'd brought with him up under his armpit. It'd been a - a thing. A 'my best friend and my new friend are too busy sucking face to spend every spare moment distracting me from my problems' thing, a thing where Eddie sort of finally understood exactly why Buck had hip checked him on the basketball court months ago. He wants his best friend back. He wants the ease of his friendship with Tommy back.

Which is - Christ, he's selfish, is the thing. A month without Chris there to keep him occupied and Eddie has had some startling realizations about himself. ("You're not selfish, Eddie, you're the most selfless person I know." from Buck and "So fix it," from Tommy, a rare night out with the both of them because he'd headed date night off at the pass by asking Tommy to go out for drinks before he and Buck could make plans without him).

"My world doesn't revolve around Buck," Eddie tells him, and screws the cap off a beer to hand it to Tommy. Tommy's doing that judgmental face he gets when he wants to say something bitchy but hasn't put the words in the right order yet. And - Eddie's not lying. Buck is a fixed point, an ever present life-line, but he's not the fucking sun.

Neither is Chris, apparently, which is news to Eddie and he's - spiralling, still. Quietly, calmly, and he's only punched one hole in the wall on a bad night.

"You ever go to Frank?" Eddie asks, like Frank is the only therapist in the greater LA area, and Tommy rolls his eyes, disappears long enough for the muted sound of the television to go quiet.

When he comes back Eddie's reading the label on his beer bottle

"Apparently I resent you," Eddie says, and Tommy chuffs a laugh.

"Apparently?"

"No, I -." The words had been just as hard two hours ago. This little trip was his own design, he'd been told specifically to sit in it for a while but Christ, an hour a week isn't enough time to talk through his issues and it's not like he can tell Buck he resents him for finding something he's happy and stable and solid in. So. Tommy it is. "You and Buck are good together. I'm happy for you both. I am."

Tommy settles against a countertop with his hip digging into the Formica. His kitchen has gained a dutch oven that looks suspiciously like the one Buck has been showing Eddie for like six months that he couldn't justify the cost of because he's not around enough to use it as much as he'd like.

"I'm not usually the one without his shit together," Eddie says.

"No offense, Eddie, but I thought the whole point of therapy was you realizing you rarely have your shit together."

Also true. He's - usually better at hiding it though. Kim was a joker stacked up on a wobbly house of cards and he'd known, somewhere in the back of his mind, that she'd bring the whole thing tumbling to the ground. Mass casualty event. No survivors.

"You make each other better people," Eddie says, which is the wrong thing to say apparently because Tommy scowls.

"If you wanna completely ignore all the work we've both put into ourselves," he snipes, and - yeah. Fair. Buck's been in therapy for years now. Every once in a while he'll pull something out of his ass that makes Eddie's skin itch - something so mystifyingly self-aware that it makes Eddie want to claw into his chest cavity and rip out his fucking heart. And Tommy - well, he doesn't know much but it's not like Tommy's the paragon of perfection. He's worked through some shit. Is still working through shit, if the aftermath of his and Buck's first real fight is any indication.

"I've never been with someone who makes me want to work on myself," Eddie admits, and the lines around Tommy's eyes shift. He sighs.

"Never gonna find that if you don't want it for yourself."

Yeah. Frank's said as much. It's just - Eddie doesn't have a starting point. Tommy had the whole hiding his true self thing, and Buck had the dead-brother-shitty-parents thing, and he's whittling them both down to the sharp edges of themselves in his mind, which isn't entirely fair but it's easier than trying to confront what the fuck his own problem is. Dead wife, his kid in another state, a contentious relationship with his father, a whole backlog of PTSD he's never really confronted head on. Weird feelings cropping up about a religion he thought he'd left in the dust and sand of Afghanistan and a hole he's been trying to fill up with other people since - well, he doesn't even know since when.

Tommy's got his dog tags laying in the bottom of an empty fruit bowl on his kitchen table. Eddie's never seen them before, and some part of him knows Tommy'd brought them out for a conversation with Buck he'll never hear himself, and he aches. He doesn't want them, but he wants what they have, wants to be able to talk about the difficult shit without closing in on himself, wants to have someone to come home to, wants -

"I spent six months imagining my therapist's head exploding every time she made me talk about something uncomfortable," Tommy tells him, and takes a long drag off his beer. For the first time since he'd knocked on Tommy's door, Eddie actually feels a little bad about interrupting his night, but that just leaves him spiralling some more because Eddie usually feels bad about everything, all the time, so why hadn't he felt guilty about this until now? And why does he feel guilty about not feeling guilty?

"I just want him to fix me," Eddie says, and Tommy laughs. Laughs hard and long enough that Eddie's feeling offended. Off kilter and pissed off and -

"You're not a single loose wire, Eddie. Can't just replace a cable and have a clean slate. You gotta change your oil and replace the spark plugs and top up the coolant, over and over again until you die."

It's the sort of metaphor Eddie'd like to lob across the field of engagement just to watch it get shot to pieces. It's apt, though.

"Feels like the whole engines gotta go," Eddie tells him "Transmission's shot and my catalytic converter keeps getting stolen and the mufflers been welded back on so many times that it's half-solder."

"Christ," Tommy says, which. Yeah. Exactly. "Well you can't exactly send yourself to the junk yard for scrap and buy a newer model."

"Buck does," Eddie snaps, and Tommy rolls his eyes. He'd been there the last time Buck brought up his 1.0 days.

"Half the time a system update patches ten bugs and creates twenty more."

"So Buck's buggy, is what you're saying."

He rolls his tongue over his teeth. "You are running off faulty software and you've been refusing to update to the new version because you heard it'd burn the battery faster, is what I'm saying."

Eddie doesn't have a whole lot of charge to begin with. And the metaphors are starting to muddle in his brain, too many different ideas battling around when he's already spent an ornery hour talking to Frank and another trying to convince himself he doesn't resent his best friend for accepting his own fucking flaws and working on them.

Tommy sets the beer bottle down. Eyes Eddie for a moment, and Eddie wonders how often he levels that look on Buck, how Buck feels when Tommy flays him open and digs through his insides. "You wanna go hit something for a bit?" he asks, and Eddie nods so quickly he nearly smacks his nose into the brim of the bottle in his own hand. He's about done feeling his feelings, for the moment. He'll probably end up being annoyed that Tommy makes him wrap his hands before he takes some aggression out on the bag hung up in the corner of Tommy's garage, but maybe when Tommy gets annoyed with him and does that takedown maneuver that knocks the wind out of Eddie's lungs when they're sparring he'll let that go.

Tommy flicks his forehead on the way to grab him something to wear. "That's for calling my boyfriend buggy, jackass," he says, and laughs himself all the way down the hall when Eddie splutters after him.

His bedroom door snicks shut by the time Eddie's recovered enough to remind him that he'd been Eddie's friend first.

[some-triangles]

I am now at a level of obsession with Disco Elysium where I am watching at least a little bit of every playthrough I come across. Last time this happened was with Undertale almost a decade ago. With UT this helped me get a very thorough handle on the way the game was designed and with the subtler bits of player manipulation. DE is not subtle about anything and so instead I'm getting insights into the people playing it, particularly as it spreads beyond the youtube leftist bubble.

The one I'm having the most fun with right now is by this guy named Brady, who is a therapist specializing in addiction. The fun part is not so much his insight into Harry as an addict - again, the game is not subtle - but his absolute discomfort with politics. He refuses to engage with any of the ideological choices, and that makes the game a bit of a bumpy ride for him. It's particularly striking because he's willing to read into everything else that goes on in Harry's brain - he breaks out his Johari windows and his CBT flowcharts and pins the butterfly right to the corkboard - but he shuts down when the game asks him to pick a side.

To extrapolate wildly from one dude's hangups, I think this is just part of the deal with therapy. The aim of a therapist is to make the subject more functional (particularly these days, when if you're lucky insurance will pay for ten sessions, and you better document exactly what worksheets you made your patients fill out) - and being functional means being able to be happy and productive in the society you're currently living in. If I go to a therapist and say I'm bummed out about all the murdering my government is doing they will suggest I stop watching the news, or, if I'm lucky, they'll try to help me figure out why I feel guilt about things I can't control. Delving into the whys and hows of said murdering is actively counterproductive.

This is not to say that therapy is inherently bad, or, like, counterrevolutionary, because making you a more functional person does help with a lot of things, including your ability to help others. It's just a useful thing to keep in mind when therapy and politics bump into each other. I read this paper when I was googling ABA for podcast reasons and it stuck with me. The thesis boils down to: because the world is imperfect and people need skills to live in it we should continue to torture children, and we don't have enough research to conclude that torture could be traumatic. This is on one level reasonable and on one level insane. It depends where you stand, and whether you think "ability to express affection towards parents" is worth that kind of intervention. But the authors wouldn't construe this as a political argument.

Anyway: with all this in mind, I very much recommend reading "The Saint of Bright Doors", which we will be covering on wizards vs lesbians soon.

[tiniestkitty]

⋆｡‧˚ʚ how to start an age regression / inner child healing journal ɞ˚‧｡

🌷 content warning: very brief, un-descriptive mentions of having trauma 🌷

1. find a notebook you'd like to use ! this can look different for everyone. I picked a journal at the craft store with a pretty design on the front, but you could also use a simple composition book, a notepad or you could even keep a digital journal ! I personally prefer to have two diaries, one is for everyday boring "big-kid" stuff, and the other one is my agere journal ! ૮꒰˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶꒱ა if you'd like, you can combine them, but i personaly find keeping my trauma-processing stuff off to the side is helpful to me. 💛

2. brainstorm what things you'd like to accomplish with your therapy journal ( if any ! ) and what you'd like to write in it. you could set light hearted goals to reconnect with your childhood, process scary things that happened / everyday stressors , or to just keep it for fun ! remember that you don't need to know everything right away, though ! 🧸

for me, my goals are to understand trauma and learn how to grow from it, but I also like to draw pictures, write about the tinier parts of my day, do some affirmations , and follow simple prompts I find online. I will also use it as a tool to track triggers , trauma responses and anxieties to help myself better understand why I felt that way and know how to ground myself better during those scary moments . I also use it to write down thoughts or things I'd like to bring up with my therapist. ( my parents finally got me set up to see a therapist !! yay ! I am a minor so she is a pediatric therapist so she's extra gentle which is so nice hehe )

3. If you'd like, you can decorate the inside pages and the cover with all sorts of fun craft materials ! I like to use stickers and wash tape, but if you don't have those, you can print some pictures out and glue or tape them in ! If you don't have access to a printer, you could use one for free at a local library or at your school. you can also use markers, crayons, colored pencils, or whatever else you'd like to decorate the inside with fun drawings or to make some little worksheets for yourself to paste inside . maybe if you have someone to look after you or a little friend, you can ask them to come up with some for you to do ! 🩷 I like to make notes for my best little friend, wimsy, through dms hehe ! ૮꒰ྀི∩´ ᵕ ` ꒱ྀིა

4. you could make lists of things, too ! I like to list my favorite songs, all of my toys names, what I wanna do when it gets warmer outside, anything !

5. I find it helpful to make charts for stuff that can be challenging when having an icky day or feeling mentally unwell, like brushing my teeth or making sure that my pet chores are all taken care of. ( don't worry !! if I forget to give my kitty treats she will ask my mom hehe ! /lh ) I like to use a reward system, like if I brush my teeth two times every day for a whole week, I can have two breaks during homeschool. 🖍️

okie dokie ! that's all I have for now. hope I gave you some good ideas and tips ! this is all very new to me but I hope this was at least a little informative or helpful hehe . 💕🐰

[wannaeatramyeon]

Samuel Seo x Reader: Corporate

G/N. Soft. Nice. Lil snapshots. Ahhhhh

Scathing, unwarranted remarks are on the tip of his tongue.

He opens his mouth, ready to disparage, when you beat him to the punch.

"No."

A single word, single syllable that catches him on the backfoot.

It's not the first time you denied him, but the first time you have done so so openly and publicly.

Samuel's brows knit, displeasure and annoyance painted on his face. "No?"

You've caught the look in his eyes, preempted him and no.

"No." You repeat yourself, "We are not doing this today. Eugene, please continue."

The Workers’ Presidents and Senior Team glances between the two of you. Samuel's mouth pulled into a thin line, your posture upright and eyes challenging.

Samuel doesn't say anything else.

Eugene clears his throat and continues.

.

.

You check your watch. An anniversary gift. Exclusive from the Nautilus collection. Not quite your taste though not offensive enough to tuck into a drawer somewhere.

The hour hand has crept solidly into what is considered late evening. You didn't have plans but you can’t see why this couldn't wait until the following Monday.

"Thanks everyone, let's call it a night."

Samuel turns sharply towards you, "I am not finished-"

"This meeting is." You cut him off and give everyone a polite smile, clearly signalling ‘we are done’ before focusing your attention back on him. "Samuel, can I have a word in your office?"

"I know you can probably pull me up to HR for this," You hold a business card between your middle and index finger, "Good luck with that if you do. But here."

You tuck it into his suit pocket and give it a pat for good measure as his eyes widen in surprise.

"This is my therapist. She's helped me a lot." Samuel opens his mouth to argue and you cut him off without pause, "You're spiralling tonight and it's not a good look."

You shrug on your coat. "I usually leave you be but I'm concerned."

And there it is. A little admission of your feelings. Words chosen to fit with the corporate bullshit though you don't hide the worry in your eyes.

"I'll see you Monday."

Samuel stays quiet as you leave. Stays quiet as he sits behind his desk. Eyes on the screen though nothing is sinking in. Brain calming down as the hours stretch into the early morning.

He removes the card from his pocket. Studies the lettering. Black font on white, the long sequence of acronyms and qualifications that follow the name.

It smells like you.

.

.

"That meeting went well," Samuel comments, "Their investment is secured."

He navigates Seoul traffic, opting for his own car instead of a Workers executive ride and chauffeur. Driving carefully and slowly. Maybe a touch too slowly.

Debriefs, he calls them. But within the confines of this metal box, it's a small break during both of your hectic schedules. So he buys extra minutes, extra seconds however he can.

"Yeah," You peer out the window, a small smile gracing your lips, "We make a good team."

Samuel considers this for a moment.

He agrees.

.

.

Samuel flicks the lighter. A burst of warmth and orange ignites your cigarette, the spike of nicotine hits your lungs.

Ironic it feels like the first time you’re able to breathe today.

"Hard day?" He asks, taking a drag on his own. 

You never make an appearance on this balcony, the little designated 10ft by 12ft area for toxic fumes with a stunning view, unless you need to.

You don't respond and it's all the answer Samuel needs.

Most of the employees cut their smoke break short as soon as they clocked the two C-suites making their way here. A few hanger-ons, hoping for a chance of schmoozing and networking, scuppered away after being on the receiving end of Samuel's glare.

Samuel exhales. Watches the wisps dissipate. "Some days I hate all this."

Your breath joins his. Mingling together before vanishing into nothing. "Me too."

A coffee is placed on your desk.

"Americano, no milk, no sugar. Triple shot."

"Oh!" You're caught completely off guard. Initially pissed off at his disruption, your eyes now soften at Samuel's gesture. It’s just how you like it.

"And here." He accompanies the coffee with a small paper bag, a logo of your favourite bakery on the front.

"Thank you."

He gives you a small nod and leaves.

Hours later, buried in corporate bullshit, coffee long drained and energy sapped, you can still taste the sugar on your tongue.

.

.

"Samuel, this evening-"

"Sorry sir, I have plans I can't miss."

"Not even for this?"

"No. My apologies."

Eugene purses his lips, considering how far to push this. He had stressed the importance of this evening multiple times but Samuel Seo apparently has other commitments.

"Samuel-"

"Eugene. Any other night but not tonight."

Eugene recognises the defiance, the pointed use of his name instead of 'sir', the mood darkening behind the polite close eyed smile. And decides to let this go. This once.

"Enjoy your night."

"Thank you, sir."

Samuel doesn't spend his night courting more investors. Europe. Some equally shady operation in Switzerland pivotal for Worker's global expansion.

Would have earned him Eugene's favour and appreciation if he pulled it off. Yet-

You open the velvet box.

It's much more your taste this time. Leather strap, no diamonds, understated. The branding is still shown on the watch face but it's subtle, lowkey.

Samuel presses himself against your back, curling around in a protective embrace and leaving a trail of kisses across your shoulder.

Yet-

For you, the world can wait.

"Happy anniversary, Y/N."

[doberbutts]

Now y'all just taking things way out of context to be mad and start a hate train because my conflicting needs post was to @a-polite-melody and not at all to Morg, who I have not spoken to, because my posts as I have said repeatedly are about the ableist takes I'm seeing cross my dash BECAUSE THEY HURT ME, A PHYSICALLY DISABLED PERSON.

I have literally so many things wrong with my body and am even an occasional wheelchair user myself!!! And I am still going to protest when I see someone say "sensory is comfort and not need" and "people who have such extreme sensory problems that things like headphones and tinted glasses don't help are rare and don't go out in public"!!! That's ableist that's ableist that's ableist and it hurts ME a person with a BRAIN INJURY who still has to go out in public and work and do shit even though those types of devices only barely take the edge off and do not solve the problem!!! I am allowed to be mad that people are being ableist about my disability!!!

Also this person is white trying to lecture a black person about intersectionality while being hypocritical about who is allowed to talk about ableism in disability spaces. Take black theory out of your white mouth if you're only going to use it as a weapon to get noisy black people who's words you don't like to shut up.

ALSO my conflicting needs post was "both people should be accomodated" and "providing multiple options is always better" so talk about bad faith. Fucking Christ this is exactly why this shit pisses me off. It's LITERALLY on a post about how I gained access to a PHYSICAL THERAPIST OFFICE via wheelchair because I was PARALYZED DOWN MY RIGHT SIDE AND COULD NOT WALK and it was still not accessible to me because I also had a BRAIN INJURY that could not be easily accomodated and I could not ask for better because I COULDN'T TALK BECAUSE I HAD APHASIA FROM MY BRAIN INJURY. It was a space literally designed for mobility issues and there was still inadequate accessibility.

Or did you just skip over that part and go straight for the piece that you could take out of context?

[twilightprince101]

IN BUGS AND SNAX

I've recently been seeing more Bugsnax friendos get into In Stars and Time. Like, five different people I met via Bugsnax are now doing fanart and fanfics for it (if you know you know).

And I think it's a shame. Because that number should be SO MUCH HIGHER

So Bugsnax fans who are unaware of this lovely RPG, here's my pitch to you as to why I think you'd like In Stars and Time and would really enjoy it.

For ISAT fans who never heard of Bugsnax, read along if you wanna. This post is primarily for the opposite, but you may find something else to dip your toes into as well 0w0

Extremely cute / lovable cast that holds so much depth and complexity than meets the eye

Look at these goobers. Look at all of them having fun. They all seem like the kind of squishy chibi type OCs you would find on tumblr, right? Wholesome uwu babies?

Hahahaha

WRONG

Well, kind of yes but still WRONG

These characters have so much emotional complexity that it can be genuinely hard sometimes to pick a favorite character between them all. Odile isn't just the "mom of the group," she has her own reasons for being on this grand quest that stem all the way back to her family lineage, her relationship with her parents. And it all gets explored for every last character, just enough where you can fill in the gaps yourself, but you can still feel that there's so much more under the surface.

You know that bit at the end of Beffica's sidequests where she reveals that, despite her bitchiness, her reason for being like that is because she has a MOUNTAIN of trust issues? And that she never tells lies, but wants to unearth truths before she gets hurt? Remember how you felt when realizing that fact? That's there with ALL of the main cast here. Hope you've got your snorkel because there's so much for you to dive into.

2. Gameplay that adds to the narrative and puts you within that world/the player's shoes

This is my personal headcanon and I don't know if it's intentional on Young Horses' part, but I always felt that running around and catching all of the Bugsnax for the grumps in Snaxburg was intentionally designed to make you feel like Lizbert. You replace her role as town "therapist," you solve everyone's problems in a kind of regressive way that ends up hurting a lot of people. Despite the gameplay being fairly simple, it still added a lot to the plot, to give you that sense in the endgame of "oh. oh god, i really fucked up." You are forced into the shoes of that world/character through the gameplay and it hits much harder as a result.

That intentional and thoughtful game design is present from the moment you start up the game, all the way to the end. In Stars and Time has the best "ludonarrative harmony" I have ever seen. Ever.

The way that the game and story is paced makes you fully understand what Siffrin is going through, the constant slog through the castle (without it ever feeling grindy by the way!), zoning out through the same bits of dialogue. At any given point, no matter how dramatically Siffrin acts, you understand emotionally why he is at that point. You feel his exhaustion, his surprise, his desperate hope, his "i'm going to try fucking anything at this point" attitude. The entire way from start to finish, you feel it.

I refuse to say any more because doing so would spoil the game. But trust me when I say, if you noticed what Bugsnax was doing there with player/Lizbert parallels? You'd love this game.

3. "What is Straight?"

So you know how we all collectively agreed that Gramble is trans? and that Wambus/Triffany are the most bisexual straight couple?

How would you like those types of characters.... but have those conversations out loud?

Listen, I love this fandom as much as the next person, and I am a Transble believer at heart. But it's easy to forget that those are all just talked about in fanon, you know? (Despite gramble literally being trans flag colors listen i KNOW). We get certain bits of characters being introspective about their genders and gender roles, like Wambus being really stubborn with his farm and wanting to maintain a sustainable way of living, being "the breadwinner," for him and his wife. And Floofty feeling like an outcast for behaving in a way that is not "socially acceptable" while being nonbinary. But we never talk about those specific subjects directly, about sexuality, gender identity and the like. Not that Bugsnax NEEDS that, it's just something the writers never really thought to include.

But In Stars and Time... it scratched an itch I never knew needed scratched. Take the thirteen different pieces of character complexity and condense it into five. The discussions that the main party have in relation to their identities, both sexual and gender, are some of the most phenomenal pieces of writing I've ever seen. I've talked with asexual people who played this game who were like "finally, FINALLY SOMEONE GETS IT." Finally getting some characters that resonated with them so, so well. And there is a discussion about halfway through the game with a transgender character that absolutely floored me, because so many post-transition character arcs that I see are related to dealing with transphobes and accepting your slay self queen/king/my liege. And that's good. It's cool. But I feel I've seen that so many times now I know the basic plot beats. And ISAT throws in a unique twist to it that I rarely see and the influence that their past combined with cultural pressure it's just, it's SO GOOD. You gotta see it to believe it man, I'm leaving out so much shit here you need to check it out yourself.

4. It will reach into your chest and strangle your heart with its claws

Despite how cute both games can be, they can bash the back of your head with a steel chair of emotion.

You know that feeling you get when you complete a lot of bugsnax sidequests? When you realize Triffany will never get the closure she wanted; when you've helped Wiggle chase this dream of a muse that doesn't exist, and that it was (at least partially) your fault? Well how about if that was the entire game?

This game has some of the highest highs and lowest lows, emotionally speaking. A lot of ISAT also has that same sort of emotional ambiguity Bugsnax has; certain plot points will never be resolved, because that's just life. And you're forced to sit with it, sit in that guilt and resentment because this isn't a problem that can be solved so quickly but you still tried and that arguably made things worse.

Yes, an argument could be made that because Siffrin is not a self insert like The Journalist, then there's a layer of disconnect. But remember what I said in point two: you understand every step Siffrin takes the whole way through because you play it. You sit in it. And no matter how dramatically Siffrin acts, it will be hard to deny that you wouldn't do the same in their place.

5. A big mysterious twist that will emotionally gut you and leave you to dry

Obviously I can't put much here. It'd spoil Bugsnax for ISAT fans and spoil ISAT for Bugsnax fans, more than I already have. But for the fans of each respective games, you KNOW what I'm talking about. And there is an equivalent in the other as well.

If the image of Siffrin making that face intrigues you in any way, especially compared to what I've already shown you. Then go in the game blind. The scene this is from blindsides so many people and once you hit That Face, you know the true game has begun.

----------

That's about the best pitch I can give for Bugsnax fans to play ISAT. I really do feel there's a lot of emotional overlap between these two, even if they're completely different games by nature. There's a lot to love and sink your teeth into.

If this is your first time hearing about either of these games and any of this sounds intriguing to you? Trust me. GO IN BLIND. The gameplay/story blend may not click for everyone right away, but if you let yourself sink into this game, if you let yourself connect with it, boy oh boy does it connect. There is truly nothing like In Stars and Time and/or Bugsnax, and the more people experience this game, the better. Trust the process, slink into it.

I promise you won't regret it.

Thanks for making it to the end have some silly little guys

[missamyrisa2]

A tickle probe and milking machine… used for collection and sensory research.. I promise I’m a good boy… I don’t need any treatment…

You being a good boyyyy is exactly whyyy you need this treatment ~ you won't be naughty noooo not at allll as you are scanned and locked into the machine with all the examination tools spinning and buzzing around. Don't worry about the restraints on your wrists and ankles and chest, that's just normal procedure for your safety. It'll be over so fast, just lickety-split as the feather probes begin humming and twirling down to your navel and hipsss. Just routine examinations and reflex tests, nothing to worry your pretty little head about. The fuzz is designed to stimulate your nerves and help facilitate our data gathering.

Oohh? What was that sound? Now, I know that wasn't a giggle. You're a good boy and you wouldn't laugh at such a serious procedure now would you? Hmm I didn't think so. Now let's get back on track and get those probes up to your underarms so we'll just adjust the frame and lift your arms and go down those muscles. Yes, it's quite necessary for the probes to tremble like that and make those clicky sounds. I know it doesn't bother you because you're a good boy.

My, my. At least, I thought you were. My my my. Making such rude squeaks and giggles now? You'd better keep it together dear, I need to probe under those toes now. Yes, a fuzzy feather probe buzzing under each one. We have to do this in sequence after all. One toe and then the next and then, you guessed it, the next toe. Buzzing and feathering and stimulating. And hmmm ~ let's get the navel probe going faster now. Yes, in and out. Get allll the data from your bellybutton now.

My goodness ~ a moan? Why, I never. Good boys don't make such sounds and oooooooh dear, oooh junebugs, loook at this! Why, you aren't a good boy at all! You're so hard! Naughty naughty thing you. Dirty dirty dirty, getting so awfully aroused from a routine examination? There's only one treatment for a naughty thing like you. We need to drain you dry. Why yes, I do believe we'll be employing the milking machine module now. Oh, are we scared now? I see you shrinking there. Nope, nope nope. You aren't escaping this you awful arouser.

Let's just turn these probes up. Yes, now that I know what these do to you we'll just up your volume and frequency and ~ there we goooo, feather probes buzzing in your armpits and along your sides, and I'll bet you're even sensitive on these hips you naughty thing you. Ah. There we go. Be naughty. I need you extra naughty for the milking. Let's get those buzzies under your toes realllly twirling. Ooh, here it comes dirty boy, look at that. Yes, that red cap is coming for your nasty nasty part. The cap elongates into this sleeve and the insides are specially coated to extract a maximum payload of that ~ that nasty stuff.

Don't you worry your pretty head, we'll get you fixed up right quick. We're gonna get allll that naughtiness out of you, all of it. Yes, yes. Just pull the clicky crank and ~~~ theeere we goooo. There's a boyyyy. The milker likes youuuu. No no, you can't fight this. It won't be removed, nope. And the tickles are gonna keep you just so naughty and making those awful awful sounds. We'll get every naughty giggle and dirty moan out of you, I promise my formerly good boyyyy. We'll get you back to your goodness in no time and then you can sleep it off in the back lounge where we have plenty of giggle therapists on hand to make sure you are completely drained and recovered .

But for now just try to relax ~ anddd who am I kidding ~ you aren't going to relax. You're going to thrash and squirm so perfectly for me. So hotly, as you get so pink in the skin and worked up. Because listen to me ~ the machines aren't stopping. Nope. You're going to be probed and stimulated and drained until you've got nothing left in that naughty pool. Yes, buck and fight it. Give me all your energy. The machine can't be deterred. The milker has you and she's not letting goooo ~ and neither are the feather probes. In fact, let's add one to each of those naughty tush cheeks too ~ put you in your place. Yes, now you can't not buck right into that milker. Mmhmm. Don't resist it. You're gonna give me allll those honeydrops now, all of them. All your giggles too. I'm taking every one of them and then we're taking you in the back to drain you more.

And guess what ~ naughtiness can't be cured, I'm afraid. It can only be mitigated. That means we need to routinely drain you, flush alll that bad stuff out ~ but don't worryyyy we have the best in scanning tech and we'll be checking in on you regularly from now on. And you bet your pennies we'll be there to snatch you up so your naughtiness stays contained, every time. Now then, let's seeee what other sounds we can get outta ya ~<3

[childlikegoblinqueen]

My question wasn't meant to be rude, sorry! I'm a fic writer too, I was wondering if you ever had second thoughts or something. Like, why do this when you could write your own stories? Or write nothing at all?

Oh jeez!!!! Now I feel bad if I came off as salty!

Haha.

This is a great question! Honestly, there’s a bunch of reasons.

First, I’ve never been particularly comfortable with my OCs. I love how many people are passionate about theirs and build whole facets of story into them. My job requires me to read ALL THE TIME and I am forever in awe of how writers can make characters that I genuinely care about… but I just always feel like my own ended up hollow.

Second, I had terrible insomnia after losing my parents the way I did. My therapist actually suggested that I try fan fiction and it just opened up a creative space I forgot I had.

I often think about how Dave Filoni was literally hired to “write Star Wars Fan Fiction” for Clone Wars and his OC(s) like Ahsoka Tano are now beloved in the fandom.

I guess there’s a part of me that finds relief in playing in a sandbox that has some sort of design. It’s a way to hone storytelling skills and plotting, but has scaffolding.

And the scaffolding is kind of a good place to start, even though I have no intention of writing anything to monetize it. But my brain wants to tell stories! I think a lot of us in fandom spaces feel that way? Or just in general. Maybe not?

Alex Hirsch said something at the Requiem Cafe panel about being a kid and imagining all fictional characters living in a dimension… maybe that’s a misquote, but I get the general idea because it’s not an uncommon thought. I can get REALLY deep into the weeds here, but I’ll leave it there.

In general I can say in good authority that MANY current best selling authors cut their teeth writing fan fiction. Some adapted their works into original pieces, others used their experience to sharpen their wholly original stories.

One can also consider various plays from Shakespeare, mythology, and Dante’s Inferno as fan fiction…

So

Why not write it? Especially if it makes you happy.

Thanks for the ask!

[cal-daisies-and-briars]

🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮🔮

🌠🌠🌠🌠🌠🌠

👑👑👑👑👑👑

🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟

🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮🦮

So keen for these!!

HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So happy you're looking forward to them!

Here it goes.

18 for 🔮:

---

Banking on the fact that he is invisible and of no consequence here at all, Bobby hurries after him. He follows Buck into the front entryway of what is, by all appearances, a nice family home. Polished wood floors. Art on the wall. Shoes on a rack and jackets on hooks, all in nice, new condition. But there’s a dimness to the space. A sterility.

He doesn’t see any family photos on the wall.

Buck doesn’t even take off his sneakers before marching down the hall, tromping over some fancy cream-colored rug, into the living room. 

Sitting in identical pale green armchairs are Margaret and Phillip Buckley. Phillip is reading the paper. Margaret is working on a crossword, likely taken out of said paper. It’s as if neither of them is even aware of what just happened in their driveway. 

“Evan, you’re going to track dirt everywhere,” Margaret says without even looking up. “Take off your shoes.”

Buck scoffs. “Are you kidding me?”

“Don’t talk to your mother that way,” Phillip chimes in, in an equally detached tone.

---

18 for 🌠:

---

Nico found that out last summer when he tried to lie about who threw a baseball through her neighbor’s window. In his defense, it was a total accident. 

This, though? Running off? When he knew there was nothing Dad could do about it? This was no accident. And everyone will know that. Nico is kind of screwed. 

He has no idea why he did this. 

He was supposed to wait to be picked up at the house. 

“It’s only a few hours,” Dad had said. “You’ll be okay home alone for a bit? You have my card to order a pizza.”

Maybe Dad trusted him too much.

Nico hadn’t been planning on leaving. He’d planned on being good. He knew Dad really needed him to be good right now. But for some reason, he only made it an hour before his body just couldn’t physically handle it anymore.

---

18 for 👑:

---

“You’re never in the way, Chim.” Hen chides. “Except maybe your own.”

Chimney frowns. What the hell does that mean?

“I’ll think about it,” he says. Mostly just to placate her.

“I just hate seeing you so down, Chim.” Hen sighs. 

He shrugs, shoulders only lifting a little under the weight of his med bag. 

“I’ll be okay, Hen. Always am.”

They make their way through the mall, to the open corridor that has been designated as Santa’s Village. It kind of looks like a farce. Like a Will Ferrell movie made real. The large wooden workshop structure has collapsed forward, onto the large, plush red chair. Santa himself is unconscious, pinned under the weight of the display to his seat. A woman in civilian’s clothing - perhaps the one who had called 9-1-1 - is standing with one of the costumed elves. It looks like she’s checking Santa’s vitals as best she can.

---

18 for 🧟:

---

“Mama said you can take me to the beach with you to check the fish traps.” Denny tells him. 

Buck’s chore for the morning. Finding protein. 

“Sure, okay,” Buck says. “We can do that. You stick close to me though, right?”

Denny nods eagerly, curls bouncing. “Mama already told me.”

“Give me a minute to get dressed and get myself ready,” Buck tells him. 

“Okay! I’ll be in the kids’ section.”

Denny takes off, and Buck slowly rises, stretching. 

They’re a well oiled machine. Not just with Denny’s childcare, but with everything else as well. Bobby, Hen, Karen, Chim, and of course, Buck. One of them is always working a six hour shift on the security cameras. Checking for zombies that get too close.

---

18 for 🦮:

---

No matter what anyone might think. My physical and emotional needs are important, he repeats to himself, like a mantra. A tactic his therapist, Dr. Copeland, suggests. Something to think louder than the anxious, looping thoughts that don’t serve him. A month in, and it’s really starting to work. He hardly thinks about not bringing her places. 

Of course, that doesn’t mean he’s not ever without her. He can make a quick run for beer or to the post office alone. But he always brings her on longer grocery shopping outings. He doesn’t need her if he’s going to get a haircut. But he never neglects to bring her to physio appointments. There’s a balance to it, he’s slowly learning. 

He’s also getting better at dealing with the social part of it. He’s coming up with strategies. Ways to shut down the people bugging him and Cranberry, or invading his privacy. 

For Carolyn, the administration assistant who makes kiss noises at Cranberry - or anyone like her - Buck has a pretty foolproof method. When it happens, he simply stops, looks at Cranberry, and very loudly says, “leave it, Cranberry. Good girl. Good job ignoring distractions.”

[chicgeekgirl89]

Chapter 4 is up!

Tagging: @lemonlyman-dotcom and @kiwichaeng

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[6:22pm] Why do smoke detector batteries only die in the middle of the night?

T.K. is chowing down on some of Paul’s chili when his phone buzzes in his pocket. His dad is regaling the table with another of his New York exploits, this one about a rather scandalous call at a night club. T.K. had been off that night, but he’s heard the story so many times he could probably tell it word for word.

“An unbelievable amount of glitter,” his dad says as T.K. slips his phone out. As soon as he sees the text he smiles. 

T.K.

[6:23pm] Are you speaking from personal experience?

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[6:24pm] Yes. Two o’clock in the morning last night. Even though I change them every six months. Took me fifteen minutes to figure out which one. So tell me firefighter, why? 

T.K.

[6:25pm] Bad news. Smoke detectors are sons of bitches. They’re like Santa. They see you when you’re sleeping. They know when you’re awake. And they choose to use that information for evil.

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[6:26pm] That seems like a major design flaw for a life saving device.

“Why are you smiling at your crotch?” Marjan asks from across the table.

T.K. slides his phone back into his pocket. “No reason.”

“Nobody smiles at their crotch for no reason,” Judd says, wiping at his mouth with a napkin. “You talking to a guy?”

“I wasn’t talking to anybody,” T.K. says, scooping up another spoonful of chili. It’s true. He was texting. Not talking. He’s a professional at telling the truth without actually telling it.

“I bet it’s that guy from the other night,” Paul says, a smirk on his face.

“Ooh, the hot guy with the six pack?” Mateo asks.

“Son, if you are engaged in sexting I’m going to ask you not to do it at the dinner table,” Owen says, clearly flirting with the line of dad mode and captain mode.

“I’m not sexting,” T.K. says with a roll of his eyes.

“But it is the guy from the other night?” Paul says. “Come on. You can tell us.”

“Is this what it’s like to have siblings?” T.K. asks. “Kind of glad you and Mom never got around to having more kids, Dad.”

“You’re welcome?” his dad says in a slightly bemused voice.

“Listen if you’re gonna text during dinner you’re gonna owe us some answers,” Judd says. “Least you can do for not paying attention.”

“Fine!” T.K. says. “Yes. It is the guy from the other night. His name is Carlos and he’s APD. Happy?”

“Carlos what?” Marjan asks.

T.K. stares at her. “What do you mean Carlos what?”

“What’s his last name?” she says. When he doesn’t answer she sets down her spoon. “You do know his last name, right?”

“I—“ 

“Are you sure he’s real?” Mateo asks, adding more cheese to his chili. “Could be a catfish situation.”

“Catfish?” Owen asks, looking confused. “You think T.K. is talking to a fish that lives in muddy water?”

Judd shakes his head. “I’ll explain it later Cap.”

“I am not being catfished,” T.K. says. “He’s a real guy. A nice guy,” he adds.

“Ooooh you’re smitten,” Paul says with a grin.

“I am not smitten!” T.K. cries.

He does not share the part where he poured his heart out the other night through texts to Carlos. Apparently his New York sob story needed to be released and a somewhat faceless, hot ass phone man seemed like an appropriate person to do it with. He’s not sure if his therapist will be thrilled or horrified.

“Just be careful what you send him,” Marjan cautions. “The internet is forever.”

“Thanks Mom,” he shoots back.

“Marjan is right,” his dad says. “I am all for you sowing your oats or Netflix and chilling or whatever you kids are calling it these days. But you should be careful.”

“One time,” Mateo says around a mouthful, “my cousin thought he was going to some girl’s place, but when he got there, it was actually a dude named Knife. He stole my cousin’s wallet and his cell phone.”

“You know sometimes I really worry about you probie,” Paul says, eyes full of genuine concern.

Mateo’s story takes the heat off of T.K. and the team spends the rest of dinner ragging on him instead. 

But T.K. is still thinking about Marjan’s words hours later when he’s laying in his bunk staring at the ceiling. Everyone else is asleep; he can hear Judd’s chainsaw snores, Mateo’s sleep mumbles, and Paul’s deep breathing. Crazy how quickly those sounds have become familiar to him.

He rolls over and grabs his phone off the nightstand, turning down the brightness so it doesn’t wake anyone else up. He gnaws at his lip for a second before sending another text off to Carlos.

T.K.

[10:41pm] You’re real, right?

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[10:43pm] As opposed to…?

T.K.

[10:44pm] This isn’t a Catfish situation? You’re not really a woman living in Boise who’s going to steal my credit card information?

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[10:45pm] You got me. You’re my third mark this year. What gave it away?

T.K. snorts then looks around quickly to make sure he hasn’t woken anyone up. His fingers fly as he types back.

T.K.

[10:46pm] Prove it.

Office Hottie- Carlos

[10:47pm] Prove what? That I’m real? How?

T.K.

[10:47pm] Idk. Send a picture of you holding a fork.

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[10:47pm] …a fork?

T.K.

[10:48pm] Four tines? Used for food? Popular with mermaids?

There’s no response and T.K. sets the phone down on his chest. He’s stupid. This is stupid. What kind of stupid person asks someone who’s basically a stranger to send a picture of themselves with a fork at this time of night? 

T.K. winces. Weirdest booty call ever. 

His phone vibrates and when he lifts it up he has to clap a hand over his mouth to stifle his laughter.

Carlos has sent a selfie of him holding a fork. His eyes are squinty, like he’s barely awake, and there’s a hint of scruff on his face. His hair is all mussed and he looks so adorable that T.K. feels a very strong urge to kiss him.

He’s also shirtless. Which makes T.K. feel a very strong urge to put his mouth other places.

T.K.

[10:55pm] Do you ever wear a shirt?

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[10:55pm] I was in bed. This is how I sleep. And you’re welcome that I got up to prove my legitimacy to you.

T.K.

[10:55pm] Thanks. Do you want me to prove mine?

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[10:56pm] No need.

T.K.

[10:57pm] No need? What does that mean?

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[10:57pm] I know you’re real.

T.K. thinks for a minute and then his mouth falls open.

T.K.

[10:58pm] Did you background check me officer?!

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[10:58pm] …I plead the fifth….

T.K.

[10:59pm] You did!

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[11:00pm] Okay fine, I did. I wanted to know more about you.

Warmth blooms in his chest, but then is immediately doused like a bucket of cold water has been thrown on it. If Carlos ran a background check…

T.K.

[11:01pm] So…you know about the shooting then? 

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[11:01pm] Yeah. And the incident at the bar.

Shit. He’d really rather Carlos not know about the bar. He wishes nobody knew about the bar. Having his dad pick him up from jail had been a low point in their first few months in Austin. It had taken weeks for his split lip to heal. At least he hadn’t been charged. He hadn’t realized there was still a record of some kind though.

T.K. 

[11:02pm] Great. So you’ve seen the highlight reel of all my finest Austin moments.

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[11:02pm] I actually already knew about the shooting. It was kind of big news. I just didn’t realize it was you.

T.K.

[11:03pm] Yep. That’s me. Remembered for my near death experience and getting my ass kicked.

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[11:03pm] I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have looked. 

T.K.

[11:03pm] It’s okay. Like you said, you already knew about the shooting. And it’s my fault the bar thing is on record anyway. It was really stupid.

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[11:03pm] Everybody makes mistakes T.K.

T.K.

[11:04pm] Well I already spilled my guts to you about New York. So you know I’ve made more than a few.

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[11:04pm] So have I. You just don’t know them yet.

Why does that small bit of empathetic understanding make his heart ache? His therapist would probably say something about how he always feels like he’s too much for people to handle and Carlos choosing kindness instead of running away at the first signs of T.K.’s baggage.

T.K.

[11:05pm] Do you think it’s weird that we never met before the other day? Since we’re both first responders?

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[11:05pm] Not really. Austin’s a big city. 

T.K. rotates his phone in his hand a few times, getting his nerve up. 

T.K.

[11:06pm] Would you want to hang out? Sometime?

Officer Hottie- Carlos

[11:09pm] Like a date?

The alarm blares and T.K. immediately shoots upward, pulling on his boots and turnout pants as everyone else does the same. The fire is a big one and they don’t get back to the station until four am. By then it’s way too late to text Carlos back and honestly, he’s too exhausted to even form words. He drops into his bunk and falls immediately asleep.

[philosophicalparadox]

Petition to come up with self-diagnostic criteria for personality disorders, particularly cluster B types. I feel like the world would be much better off if there were resources to actually generate self-aware narcissists, in particular, especially since their inner world is SO much different than the diagnostic criteria, which relies exclusively on other people’s observations of their behavior rather than their own.

I’d much rather people wrongly assume they’re narcs themselves than this utter plague of other people meaninglessly assigning the word to their exes.

The simple reason being that there is really no downside to this. From the inside or the outside, there is no way that seeking help or therapy for the associated symptoms is going to be bad for you. The difference is that if you’re actually a narcissist, your therapist is going to sus that out pretty quickly and actually make progress in developing more a positive relationship with yourself — for ultimately, inasmuch as it might seem otherwise, narcissists are essentially what happens when self-loathing and shame quite literally becomes your entire personality.

Furthermore, if there are more people seeking treatment, then more research can actually be done as to how and why it forms and functions; we have a good understanding of BPD because they, more so than any other cluster B, tend to seek help. Narcissists on the other hand are far and away the least likely to, which I am not sure is actually a result of their grandiosity so much as there is net-zero resources for them out there to actually realize themselves. Histrionics have this problem too, though it’s compounded by them being considered the most “harmless” of the cluster B’s, despite having pretty much the same Suicide statistic as BPD.

Thus far the only thing we know about NPD is that having genetic bipolar disorder that manifests in childhood MASSIVELY increases the odds of developing it, even in homes that lack standardly-defined elements of abuse. But this statistic is skewed by the fact that people with bipolar disorder almost always see someone at some point to manage their condition, and their NPD gets caught then. (Or borderline — bipolar disorder predisposes one to both, though the correlation with NPD is higher) .

What I’m saying then is that if there were better ways for people to become self-recognized, we might actually get better at helping them. Yes, I know, one of the old wives tales about personality disorders is the lack of awareness they have one — but that’s only half-true. What actually IS a defining characteristic is a limited presence of Theory of Mind, which tons and tons and tons of non-disordered people also struggle with, so it’s far from exclusive to personality disorders.

Idk, as much as I never ever want anything to do with another narcissist again, I do recognise that they are suffering from something that isn’t strictly their fault, and that, maybe idealistically, they would benefit from resources that are actually designed to help them, rather than condemn them, though I absolutely understand that condemnation very, very well.

[citylawns]

my life or at least interests deeply centers around the visual (art/fashion). i know that fashion will continue to be a key aspect of who i am and it's also my main interest, but i am concerned that since fashion is in a way intertwined with body image or physical beauty (just by that it's something that's expressed visually), i can't seem to grasp how i can 'de-center' beauty in my life. even w grey hair i know i'll be obsessing over fashion and i can't stand it when clothes don't fit well. :-(

you need to be realistic about what I'm gonna call the "victorias secret side of fashion" which is that its very boring and bland and I want you to come over to the michele lamy side of fashion. look how beautiful michele lamy is. she's not afraid of aging. her clothes fit her perfectly. she is the epitome of the creator and the muse. your connection of body image to fashion is so normal, but its a limited scope of what fashion is and what it contains, there's so much you have to explpre. fashion is sort of an intersection of art and capitalism, and there's a huge tension there and it has ironically created a lot of ugly things and often shuts down creative freedom. so many designers and models and stylists i have worked with - people like Guido Paulu - do their jobs making "traditionally beautiful" campaigns and jobs in order to fund their personal projects where they can get creative and unusual and truly express themselves.

your body image issues are not only because of fashion, trust me, there is always something deeper going on that has more impact over why you are so focused on your body and how you look. I will never stop saying this speak to a mental health professional!!!! I think you'll find if you go to therapy, find a good therapist, work through your life, you will be able to enjoy fashion without limiting yourself to whether something fits a rigid beauty standard and you will find beauty in unconventional and surprising places

[hyggehooligan]

Last night my wife and I attended her highschool athletic association hall of fame banquet where she was being inducted as an honoree. A very big deal as she had a very serious career as a high school athlete which continued through college and after up even until today (she is actually out playing flag football this morning!) I am so proud of her and I know how much this means to her so I'm happy she is getting recognition.

But I am trying to process my own emotions surrounding this event and sporting culture in general, as a person who used to be athletic and active and now is disabled due to chronic physical and mental illness. It's a tough spot to be in but it's made much harder by the fact that our culture elevates sporting and being active and outdoorsy activities while either ignoring people with disabilities or outright blaming them for their mobility issues. My wife has always been very supportive of me but I don't think she always gets why I feel so vulnerable and out of place in "sports culture" events and groups. I think she thinks I can just come along for fun but it's wrapped up in so much garbage for me that even just spectating is really difficult.

Last night was tough enough because I don't particularly enjoy fancy affairs where you schmooze with strangers and especially was not looking forward to being likely the only queer people there but the sports thing just made things extra hard. That's all everyone talked about. And I get that it's so important! I remember those days too. It's just hard because I feel it was taken away from me. It makes me feel jealous, resentful, frustrated, and bored and all of those are ugly feelings and I don't like it.

I have met some of my wife's sportier friends in the past and they will shake my hand and look at me and my body and say things like "wow you should play hockey/football/basketball/handball." Should I play sports? Should I move my body for fun? Should I wake up every day and use my body in the way it was designed and not be crippled by pain? One time someone said to me "if I had your size I would dominate on the rugby pitch." If you had MY SIZE???? Let me tell you that as a person about 20 years into recovering from bulimia this is absolutely not the kind of shit I want to hear.

Last night someone saw my cane and asked (jokingly, I think?) if it was a sports injury. Nope, I'm disabled. Oh. Another person asked if I had attended this highschool, I said that no I had attended another highschool in the area; they asked if I did sports there, I said I did synchronized swimming until college. "Oh why didn't you continue?" Well jesus not that it's any of your business but that's when I became disabled, actually.

I have not figured out a way to gracefully navigate these situations while still respecting my own boundaries and privacy. They shouldn't be asking these questions but it wasn't too out of place considering the situation either. I just wish I knew what to say. It's hard because I'm still processing how I feel about my body and my limitations and I don't even really like talking about it with my doctors or my therapist, all of whom are awesome, or my friends, who are also awesome, so why would I want to talk about it with this random person? And I'm so mad that all of this got ripped open last night and I felt so vulnerable and upset and it's still getting to me today.

[scaryinclusive]

NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER — BREAKING DOWN THE STIGMA.

by @scaryinclusive.

a discussion of the ableism and stigma relating to npd — a separate resource post will be posted at another date, written by a narcissist. if you believe in the term 'narcissistic abuse', have been conditioned by your surroundings or past trauma to view or discuss narcissists in a negative way or simply want to understand why it's important to show sympathy, compassion and patience towards those with npd, please read this and keep an open mind. i'm not here to tell you what you can and can't do or what to feel, but if you are someone who wants to learn about the impact your vocabulary can have on others, as well as how your behaviour contributes to the isolation and ableism towards an entire community, this might be a useful post for you.

i understand this might be an inflammatory topic, but please be patient with me, and show me the same respect you'd want to receive. i am a living, breathing person behind the screen. first of all, i think it's important clarify what is meant by ableism, when used in this context. as an abuse survivor myself, i have subjected others to an ableist mindset — whether that be externally or internally ( internalised ableism. ) i have previously called my abuser a range of ableist terms, without having a diagnosis for them or the ability to make one. i have projected my own insecurities onto others and myself, instead of taking a step back to assess my trauma, shame and getting to the root of the blame. if this is something you have done previously too, or are currently prone to, know you are valid.

often, people want logic to illogical situations, they want reason to make sense of the unreasonable and in some cases they want to have something or someone to blame. and it's absolutely easier to blame an individual or disorder deemed monstrous by society than it is to blame the abuse itself. to hold an event, or series of events accountable. whatever it takes to keep the blame off of us, right? and while this is a common phenomenon within society, to blame people with narcissistic personality disorder or antisocials for our suffering, by throwing around the terms 'psychopath', 'narcissist' and 'sociopath' etc, it's not sustainable and in the long run, sure — you'll succeed in adding to the stigma of already massively stigmatised communities, but you'll drag yourself down with them. and that's not healing. that's not overcoming. it's certainly not contributing to the empathy, compassion and care many of you wish to see in the world. i feel this short, non-accusatory and sympathetic article really helps elaborate on what i've already mentioned.

i also want to stress that, at no point, am i excusing harmful behaviour. i believe individuals with these disorders, professionally or self diagnosed, and even those who think they might have one or both, have a responsibility within themselves to seek out support, healing and improvement to keep themselves and others safe and protected. but with the total lack of resources, community, space, patience and safety for them to commit to such, it's a vicious cycle. you're asking people who struggle greatly with shame and insecurity to face it, in an unsafe space with people that seek to shame us. we cannot get the help we need, regardless of how self-aware we are, due to society's stigmatising perception of us. due to rumours, lies and stereotypes.

therapists aren't always safe. in my experience i have been exposed to some highly questionable therapists. some have been corrupted by the stigma and are therefore unsafe for us. resources are designed to brainwash and instil internalised ableism. friends and family hate us. we have nowhere and no one to turn to. so, we bottle it up. we bottle it up, and up, and up until we explode or implode. someone catches it on camera and uploads it online. thousands if not more view it and all that comes from this devastating explosion is more stigma, more hate, and less space for us to heal. the cycle continues.

where does the stigma start? well, it starts with society's knowledge and education on what narcissistic personality disorder actually is. in this circumstance, unfortunately, you can't even fully trust things like the dsm's criteria, or the many websites accessible across the internet. you 100% can't trust word of mouth. i will begin with what npd is not. it is not a choice. not something you can decide to be, or to not be. people with npd do not love themselves, we are not entitled or selfish. we don't have a god-complex or view ourselves as higher beings or more important for the fun of it. we do not all have low / no empathy and we don't feel nothing. we aren't heartless, soulless, blood-sucking monsters, we aren't cunning villains scheming and seeking to manipulate and hurt people. we are not a different species or lesser being, not parasites or a infestation.

so what are people with narcissistic personality disorder? exactly that. people — a community of human beings who primarily experienced varying childhood traumas. the more effort, time and money put into the scientific and biological understanding of npd reveals it to be more and more alike to a trauma-related disorder. the entire meaning behind 'personality disorders' is that the title trait is a typical, average personality trait. however, the difference is that the trait itself is amplified, more intense or severe due to some form of trauma during childhood development.

as much as people don't want to admit it, narcissism is a healthy, typical human trait. but when an individual is exposed to trauma in early life, such as neglect ( particularly emotional neglect ), as they grow and develop the brain adapts in this environment to survive. this can lead to the development or intensifying of harmful, negatives behaviours that continue into later life. when you are no longer in an environment where survival is a necessity, an environment where you might need to manipulative, emotionally disconnect or behave in a specific way to avoid a threat or emotional injury, these behaviours don't simply vanish. they continue, even if it means harming those around you or treating them in a negative manner, because your brain is constantly convincing you of perceived threats — real or imagined, and your attitude towards life was never healthily developed in a way that you can pursue stability and safety.

to cope with this, specifically for those with npd, we develop grandiose delusions of ourselves. a façade, a safety net, a wall between us and the world. on the outside, it might appear that we are infatuated with ourselves, simply self-obsessed, entitled and obnoxiously detached from reality. what's really happening is that our core selves are so insecure, in such a deeply-rooted way, that in order to survive and cope with our inner fragility, we must create a false sense of security. npd is entirely based around insecurity. and insecurity, in itself — even without npd being a contributing factor, can lead to harmful behaviour. projecting our insecurities onto others to feel powerful, in control and above all else, safe. we are not monsters, we have simply had to adapt and learn to survive in an unstable, volatile and potentially dangerous environment and were never given the tools to heal from this. isn't that sad? an entire community of people unable to heal from their trauma because society has cast us out. stereotyped us as murderers, villains and abusers.

through therapy ( it's taken me 10 years of searching to find someone that understands me, healthily challenges me, respects me, is patient and remains unbiased throughout my healing ) i have learned much about myself. i have become more self-aware, been able to break down my trauma and thus combat my internalised ableism, and have been able to do so in a way that hasn't brainwashed me into believing the only way for someone like me to heal is to shame and hate myself and those with my disorders. it's not true. we can heal in a safe and healthy way that promotes self-love, sympathy for our suffering, compassion as well as responsibility, recognition and rationality. all of these can co-exist.

we can take responsibility for our mistakes and harmful actions while also being sympathetic towards what made us this way. but unfortunately many are pushed by society to take to self-loathing, self-deprecation and the spreading of stigma in favour of winning over ableists who reduce us to a stereotype or generalise us as lesser beings. "look how healed i am! i hate narcissists too!!" they are not healing, and by pushing this narrative and encouraging it, you are only digging a deeper hole.

outside of those that have been misguided by their trauma, leading them to label emotionally abusive, or just abusive individuals, as 'narcissists', along with various other stigmatising labels, there is a huge portion of society who remain uneducated and merely misuse the label due to it being commonly thrown around and not knowing any better. i ask that, if you are someone that uses this term to describe anyone other than someone with narcissistic personality, and certainly if you use it in any derogatory form, why you do that? i think it's fair to invite you to perform the same introspect about yourself that we are so desperately trying to do, with or without resources.

why do you need to use the word narcissist? narcissism, narcissistic? the same goes for antisocial, psychopath or sociopath. any word related to mental health or disability, really. outside of it being purely medical. what's stopping you from changing your vocabulary and contributing to the healing of a community? if your answer is 'because i can', or 'because they deserve it', you are dooming an entire group of traumatised individuals to fail.

if your answer is that narcissism existed as a trait and / or adjective prior to the disorder — you're absolutely right. it did. but the meanings of words change. the r* slur is a primary example. once, this slur was purely a medical word. it was then used by the general public as a derogatory way to describe those with intellectual or developmental disabilities. to reduce them as people and dehumanise them. it became such a widespread pejorative term that, now, the majority don't use it. because it's deemed offensive, hurtful and dehumanising. the meanings of words change, and if a handful of people from a relatively small community tell you it's hurtful and dehumanising, you don't get to tell them otherwise.

by saying things like "narcissistic abuse", instead of emotional abuse or abuse, you're adding to the stigma. by calling your abusive partner or friend a narcissist instead of what they are — 'an abuser', you're adding to the stigma. by armchair diagnosing ( diagnosing an individual despite not having the knowledge / legal qualifications to and purely basing it on personal / biased experience ) people guilty of performing in a toxic, abusive, harmful or negative way with narcissistic personality disorder, you are adding to the stigma. and above all else, it's ableist. it's discrimination and it's social prejudice.

here are a couple of useful resources relating to the definition, discussion and stigma surrounding npd. i will also be making a post listing alternative and appropriate vocab options for a variety of commonly misused labels.

5 things you got wrong about narcissistic personality disorder, a short, informative comic.

narcissus and the daffodils, an essay on the nature of npd.

please avoid adding onto this post to keep from spreading misinformation or stigma, but feel free to reblog! if you have something to say, i encourage you to send it to my asks. but i think at this point, if you're still set on misusing the term and adding to the stigma, i personally have done as much as i can. i really do sympathise with trauma-born ableism. but it's not acceptable and i'd like to think the majority can do better than that. just because others choose to contribute to the ableism, doesn't mean you have to. everyone deserves to heal from their trauma, including us, and including you.

[multiplicity-positivity]

hello!! do you guys know if there’s a good way to find out if we’re a really low communication or possibly monocon system VS if there’s just a mental barrier between front and headspace? im not sure if this is a good description but we don’t notice super distinct shifts but rather at any given moment to find out who’s fronting we go through a list of all our names and see which ones cause anxiety and which ones fit ok. our communication is abysmal and it feels like there’s a “wall” between whoever is at front and the rest of the system. do we just try and accept plurality until someone from the other side of the “wall” shows up? or are there ways to try and make everything run smoother? sorry this is kind of a lot!!! thank you! — las creaturas sys

this may be a bit more complex than we (a nonprofessional) can really help with. it may take some work with a therapist or even just some time spent focusing on self-reflection and discovering yourself in order to find these answers.

that being said, here’s some stuff we can say with confidence (more or less…):

1. all there is to being plural is being or existing as more than one. if you feel like you share others in your mind, that’s all it really takes to be plural. if the plural framework helps you and is useful for you, you’re welcome to use it, even if you have absolutely no contact with other members of your system.

2. the way that you describe figuring out who’s fronting reminds us of an article we read a while back by a did system. here it is -

maybe the way this system functions can provide a bit of insight into your own system, even if you don’t suspect having did or a dissociative disorder.

3. as far as we understand, headspaces are imagined places created by visualizing something in your mind. we wrote a post about headspaces here:

not all systems actively had to create their headspaces, but for the majority of them, this is true. our own headspace was created through conscious choices made by members of our system. however, our host also struggles to access our headspace. we’re not quite sure why this is. as far as we know, dissociative barriers work by blocking off traumatized alters and trauma memories from the alters who handle day-to-day functioning. we’re not sure if being blocked or cut off from the headspace is a dissociative barrier thing.

4. when first discovering a system, establishing contact with other alters can be ridiculously difficult. especially if you have high dissociative barriers, or system members who are heavily in denial or can’t accept that they’re part of a system. however, we firmly believe that with practice and patience, internal communication can improve with time! our system used to be a huge mess in this regard, but at this point we can communicate with each other decently. it’s still a work in progress, but after 2 years of parts work in therapy and lots and lots of time spent focusing on trying to get in touch with each other, we’re in a much better place and find communication much easier to manage.

we have a post with some basics on establishing contact with headmates. it’s designed for folks with dissociative disorders (as that is our experience), but it may be useful for any kind of system. here it is:

…and that’s pretty much all we can say here. if you’re questioning whether or not you’re monoconscious, perhaps try scrolling though @monoconsciouscultureis to see what sort of experiences systems often submit there, and find out if their experiences align with yours. other than that, we don’t really know what else to say that might be useful.

sorry if this post is all over the place or doesn’t make much sense. we’re wishing you luck with figuring this out. remember, with practice, patience, and persistence, you probably can achieve better communication or at least a better understanding within your system. sending you our best!

🐢 kip and 🌸 margo