#WHY CANT I BE GRADUATING THIS YEAR. I WANT TO DIE

[27-royal-teas]

im so fucking done. I think im going crazy.

[kimmkitsuragi]

my laptop shut off again🧍‍♂️

[zyhkoo]

little spark ☆ ー REGULUS BLACK X READER. chapter 1

fluff, angst, regulus reunites with you, friends to lovers, co-parents

synopsis: with james and lily dead and sirius’s false conviction. regulus had escaped the death eaters with harry in his arms. his last resort was go to you, his former best friend and james’s sister. mlist

A/N: hi everyone! I hope you liked this :) feel free to ask to be in a taglist.

It was a full moon tonight, Regulus was dragged by you to watch the night sky. James had tricked you into thinking that there was a meteor shower tonight, Regulus convinced you so hard that there wasn’t going to be one today but you were just so convinced that there was one.

Regulus looked at you, the moonlight reflected your skin and your hands held the railings. The cold wind blew in your (length) hair and you had your Gryffindor scarf wrapped around your neck. You were focused on the beautiful starry sky, waiting for the meteor shower that was probably not going to happen.

“This is stupid.” Regulus muttered behind you, you looked back with a smile. “Well if James was lying, we could do some star gazing.” Regulus walked towards you, he laid his arms against the railings.

“What do you plan for the future?” he asked.

The future, Regulus was not sure if he was prepared for anything. After graduating, then what? Will he continue to stay with his parents? Or follow his own path? Well, he doesn’t even know what he wanted. So what was the point?

Meanwhile you were tough and independent, you were everything Regulus wanted to be. You placed your cheek to your palm and faced him “Me? I want to be a performer.” you answered his question. Regulus was quite puzzled “..A performer?” you answered innocently “Yeah!” you placed your hands back in the railings.

Regulus paused for a moment, furrowing his gaze. “Well, if you had enough money to support you till you die. What are you going to do?” Regulus asked once again, but your answer remained the same “I’d still be a performer.”

He was baffled by her response “So all that freedom and you choose to perform for what? Is it your love for magic? Or are you trying to gain more recognition?” he questioned. You hummed “You can say that.” he noticed the change of your tone and cleared his throat.

“Sorry.” he murmured, you looked back at him with a soft expression. “It”s okay.” you replied. “I want to perform because, the look of happiness in someone’s face makes me feel so warm.

Regulus looked back at the night sky “If that’s what you wish then, why don’t you make yourself feel loved?” Regulus questioned.

“What about your happiness?”

You paused to think for a moment, “You have a point, you cant love someone if you cant love yourself.” Regulus nodded “Exactly.” He agreed. “It’s very easy to love others, but hard to love yourself.” He added with a sigh.

“Why do you ask this?” you asked. He was silent for a moment. He did not like talking about himself; but for some reason you made him say things he did not want to say.

“I do not find it simple loving myself. I am aware of my flaws and that does not make this process simple.” Regulus admitted quietly. “Maybe soon you will accept yourself. In my eyes you have great qualities.” you reassured, staring back at the beautiful sky. Regulus looked at you, a small tint of pink formed on his cheeks. He didn’t answer, why do you care anyway? This could be just some mindless baffling, but yet.. he can’t help but smile softly at your compliment.

“Reg! Look!” his smile disappeared and his jaw almost dropped down the floor. An actual meteor shower displayed at the night sky. “See, I told you.” you playfully elbowed his arm, he softly sighed “Yeah, yeah, you’re right.” he smiled.

That was in the past, this was the present. Three years have passed after Regulus graduated and it had not been so well. James and Lily has passed, leaving their son Harry to be orphaned. The godfather, Sirius convicted wrongly of their murder and as well as many others.

Though Sirius was the godfather, he was not the one chosen to raise Harry. Instead they chose Petunia because no one was able to find Y/N’s location. But Petunia had only abandoned the boy, leaving him in the orphanage.

Before Sirius was convicted, he asked one request from Regulus. To take Harry and raise him, Regulus had to choose between keeping his loyalty to the death eaters or take care of Harry.

Regulus chose to take care of Harry.

Regulus escaped the Death Eaters and fled to find Harry. At night, Regulus tracked down the orphanage Harry was in then secretly took him away from the muggles then attempted to find.. you.

He couldn’t just raise the boy on his own, it was a lot of responsibility. And since he was wanted by the death eaters, his head was practically on the line. You said that you wanted to leave your past in Hogwarts behind and start a new life, the reason for this was because you thought living amongst muggles would be a better life because you felt so isolated.

You did not told a single soul where you were going to settle from now on, but Regulus.

It was a cold and stormy night, Regulus was soaked. Regulus laid his head down to protect Harry from the rain. Before he left, Regulus tried to find letters that hinted on where you lived. It was a little difficult to navigate where you lived, but eventually he found a street you described.

Regulus opened the gate in your backyard, and rang your doorbell. “We are here.” Regulus whispered to the sleeping infant on his arms “We just.. have to wait.”

Regulus heard the door opened, he looked up to see you. You had a night gown with a jacket to warm you, you now had (length) hair and you grew a little taller. But your beautiful face never changed.

“Regulus?” your face was a mix of shock and fondness. “Y/N.” Regulus replied “I need help..” he pleaded.

His hands moved the cloth covering Harry’s face to show you what he was carrying. Your eyes widened, you moved closer to take a good look at him. You stammered a bit “What, Reg? Why do you have a baby with you? Is this yours?”

Regulus inhaled before he spoke, his shoulders dropping ever so slightly. He was tired, that much was evident. The bags under his eyes were dark and heavy, as if he hadn’t had a proper nights sleep in weeks. Raising an infant was no easy feat, and it was one Regulus had never been equipped to face.

"What makes you think it’s mine?” Regulus told you, he gestured for you to take the baby in his arms and you gladly accepted. You take a good look at him, his face looked familiar..

“Who’s baby is this Regulus?” you asked.

"That.." Regulus began, "That’s Harry." He murmured.

He hoped you wouldn’t ask how Harry arrived in his care. At the same time he was aching to tell you. But how could he? How could he tell you that the child’s parents were dead? James and Lily’s lives were over.

Your stomach dropped “What? Where's James and Lily?” you questioned. Regulus closed his eyes and inhaled through his nose, his shoulders falling as a heavy sigh left his lips.

"James and Lily are dead." He revealed quietly, opening his eyes to look up at you once more. His expression was laced with sorrow, an emotion you hadn’t thought possible from the man standing before you.

"I wasn’t going to tell you. But I can’t lie to you, N/N."

Your eyes clouded with pain. “How.. why” you looked at the small baby in your arms. And there it was. Regulus feared this question. He dreaded it more than anything.

"Voldemort," Regulus answered, "He’s the reason. He found out about a prophecy about a child that could end the war. He believed that child was Harry but, as you know James and Lily had just had their baby. He suspected it was Harry but.. there was no actual way of knowing for sure."

His lips pursed, his expression growing dark as he went on.

This was so much for you to take in, you did not want to cry. Not in this moment, you needed to be tough. “I’m sorry, I.. I don’t know how to take this in.” you apologized "Don’t say sorry." Regulus implored, tilting his head ever so slightly as he looked at you, "You don’t have to stay strong, Y/N. If you want to cry, then cry."

Regulus was never one to encourage emotional vulnerability, but with everything that had occurred? He’d say you had a good reason to. You forgot you were leaving Regulus freezing outside your doorstep.

“Merlin, I’m sorry. I was getting distracted, why won’t you come inside?”

Regulus nodded, "Or course, thank you.." He answered with a small smile, "I haven’t gotten much sleep lately. A cup of tea and good conversation would be nice." you returned a smile “Nice to see you again, Reggie. I missed my best friend.”

Regulus’ eyes widened a fraction as he was addressed by that nickname. He hadn’t been called that in a long while. But he couldn’t say he didn’t like it. Not when it came from you, anyway.

"It’s nice to be back, N/N." He responded with a faint smile of his own.

[ttobiosgf]

see you later alligator…

there are going to be many parts to this omgggg...

context: you and kageyama were together for well over a year in highschool but you’ve both recently graduated. Kageyama is moving to Tokyo for volleyball but you’re staying in Miyagi to get your degree. You two haven’t decided what you’re supposed to do yet…

warnings: fluff, severe angst, smut, cussing, HEART BREAKING

characters: fem-reader, kageyama tobio, maybe some other vb players

the characters in this story are in COLLEGE!!! they are 18+!!!!!

- about a week after graduation-

I wake up around 10am. my mind racing and my eyes stinging from the thought of what I'm about to do. I'm about to go breakup with Kageyama. My boyfriend of 1 year, 4 months, and 17 days. but who’s counting…

I get out of bed and brush my teeth and get dressed. I try to look presentable but there’s no point. I head off to Kageyamas house on my bike. my heart pounding in my ears the whole way there. “fuck, fuck, fuck” is pretty much the only thing going through my head while i bike to his house. and it doesn't get better once I finally get there...

I get off my bike and practically toss it to the ground as i head to the door. knock knock knock. i stand there practically shaking out of my shoes. i want to die the second my beautiful boyfriend, who i love so fucking much, opens the door.

"babe, we need to talk..." i say as i step into the house of my soon to be ex. "yeah... we do need to talk." Kageyama responds with a voice that makes it seem like he was ready for this conversation.

"we still haven't decided what were gonna do when you leave... We need to talk about it." i speak in a quiet voice. i just want to curl up into a ball and die right there in his foyer of his home. i have my hands at my side, fiddling my fingers on the side of my pants, only able to get out a couple words.

"i think... umm i think..." i keep repeating over and over again. "you think what??? spit it out." Kageyama says, getting impatient with my annoying repetition.

"umm i think we... i think we need to end it." fuck. my eyes are instantly hit with a stinging sensation as i finally spit it out.

Kageyamas eyes pop open when i finally say it "w... what the hell do you mean end it?? do you think we're not gonna work out? just because we're long distance?" he says, losing his cool and calm demeanor. his voice cracking slightly.

"well... i know you aren't a big texter. plus you'll be so busy with volleyball and everything else in Tokyo. you wont have time to waste on me." i say, my head hanging low and my voice cracking, same as his.

he steps closer to me and takes my hand in his, "please baby! we can figure something out. we can make it work. I love you." he was terrified at the idea of being apart from me. he doesn't want to let me go.

"you're going to do amazing things in Tokyo. Kageyama please..."

he runs a hand through his hair, visibly stressed and becoming frustrated at my insistence to breakup, "ill make time for you... i can do facetime calls, and- and i can come back to Miyagi to see you."

tears start pricking my eyes and my voice catches in my throat. "please. its what's best for us. for you" the tears in my eyes finally begin their travel down my face. "i love you so god damn much but, you need to find someone better for you. someone who can be at all of your games and who you don't have to travel to see."

Kageyama cant believe that Id think he could find someone better for him than i am. "i don't want someone else. i want you! i don't give a shit if we're apart, ill still think about you... i wont find anyone else, i don't want anyone else."

"we need to go separate ways, we have different lives to live! I'm so sorry" i grab his face with my hands, "i love you so much Tobio I'm so sorry."

he feels tears finding their way out of his eyes. he pulls me into his chest. his grip on me is so tight it feels like he's trying to make sure i never leave him. he presses his forehead against mine. "Why cant we just try... i don't care about the distance. ill do anything, just please don't give up on us." his voice cracks and i can hear his cries getting caught in his throat. i just continue to cry as he holds me.

"it'll only make it worse if we keep trying. it'll hurt more in the end. Just let me go Tobio... let us go..." he pulls away from me as i say this with almost an emotionless look as tears fall from his chin. "so you just want to break up? that's it?" i nod and he scoffs, "just let me ask you one thing y/n... do you still love me?"

"ill always love you Tobio. ill always be there for you but we need to end." i say with a sob falling from my mouth. he looks at me with anger and hurt in his eyes. "you'll always love me, but you're breaking up with me? that's it? just like that." he tosses his hands up and lets out a pained laugh.

i place my hand on his cheek. i can see his urge to keep arguing but he gives up and leans into my palm. "promise me something y/n... promise that even if we aren't together, you'll never get over me. I don't care if you don't want us to be together but dear god please promise you wont find anyone else..."

"i promise..."

-i eventually leave. after many tears, hugs, and "i love you's , and a bitter "good bye".-

four days later, its the day Kageyama is set to leave for Tokyo. i drag myself out of bed and head to the train station to send him off.

i see Kageyama standing at the platform. his eyes slightly red and puffy, same as mine. As i walk up to him he gives me a nod, i can tell he doesn't trust his own voice.

"the train will be here soon, wont it?" i say. he nods and doesn't bother looking at me, he just stares straight ahead at the tracks waiting for the train to arrive. The air is tense between us, it feels heavy, like a rock hanging over us.

"Tobio, talk to me before you leave... please talk to me." he doesn't look down but he eventually responds, "about what? i don't know what to say..."

i cup his face with my hand forcing him to look at me. "don't leave me without saying goodbye." he remains silent but his face tells me everything. I love you y/n, you're the only one i want. i don't want to leave you.

i pull him into a hug as a response to his silent words. "text me when you get there okay? and text me every once in a while and tell me how you're doing?" he listens and says nothing. the tears well up in my eyes again, fuck.

his grip on me tightens and he buries his face in my hair. "i will... ill text you. and call you when i get to my apartment..." he sniffles, "and ill text you everyday. Ill call you every chance i get... ill send you pictures and ill tell you what everything is like..."

i feel the tears become too heavy for my eyes to carry, "text me when you make a new friend. text me when you eat a good meal or when you find a good song. just text me..." just as i finish speaking the train enters the station. "i love you Tobio..."

he lets go of me and looks down at me, "i love you... i love you so so much..." he grabs my face and kisses me.

i close my eyes and just feel his lips on mine. i want to fall into him and stay with him till i die, but he has a train to catch. the train doors open

"good bye Tobio..." he walks towards the train doors and turns back to me once he steps on with his luggage.

"good bye... y/n..." the doors close and the train begins to move. i wave as it slowly moves.

"i love you." i say, knowing he cant hear me.

[dark-elf-writes]

Thinking about the third teammate in sharing the sharingan and how their life shaped them. I picture them as an orphan who's parents were disgraced and the dead last of their graduating class, it’s the reason they were put on the team with both geniuses. They passed by the skin of their teeth after years of barely passing but she passed. She, the dead last failure has become a shinobi. Even better she’s put on the team of The White Fang. One of the greatest shinobi alive, surely under his tutelage she’ll become more than the failure everyone looks upon with distain right?

But her team isn’t what she imagined, her teammates are close, already knowing each other so deeply and sensei loves that there already a pack, a family and quickly becomes a father to them all. But she’s still the outsider, she doesn’t share their strange pack mentality, isn't as strong as them and fails to understand her teammates. (How do they handle being hated? Don't they care?) And while the boys soar and become powerful she’s barely keeping up, barely making chunin, scraping by jonin, becoming strong but never getting the recognition she wants from her team or the village as a whole. (Why can’t she be as good as her teammates? Why can’t she be as skilled or strong? Is she really that bad of a shinobi? Why is she always one step away from being a failure? Or is she already one and she doesn't know it yet?)

Then that mission happens and her beloved sensei (Who favoured her teammates more than her, why wasn’t she right for the wolf contact? Or was that just an excuse because she’s weak and he doesn’t want her on his contact?) becomes a pariah and she can’t handle it because she was disliked before but this, this was too much. She fought with her teammates (her brothers) about abandoning sensei but they refused because who cares about reputation? (She does, she cares so deeply she just wants to be recognised as good, why is she always in her teammates shadows? Her parents shadows? Why can’t she be good enough?) Then when sensei dies (Kills himself oh god her father is dead and the last thing she said to him was so horrible) and the village (the village that has always looked at her as a failure, a bastard child who shouldn’t exist) scorns her even more she breaks.

After years of struggling she breaks and leaves the village but is chased by her teammates, who try to bring her back but she cant go back because if she goes back she’ll be more than just a failure. She’ll be the traitorous failure and she can’t take the scorn anymore. Can’t take being so hated, so worthless anymore. So when she knows she can't escape (She was never going to beat them, they have always been better than her no matter how hard she tried) she decides to just.... let their jutsu hit her. To die by her brothers hands is probably the best end she could hope for. She closes her eyes, feels the pain and then when she opens them again she’s in front of a fire with her sensei. She breaks downs crying as her dad hugs her and tell her how wonderful she is and how he sorry he is for never making her feel like it no matter how hard he tried and there she stays till all three of her brothers join them years later.

Just a girl who wanted a place to belong, wanted to be loved but was surrounded by hate and the love she had couldn't pull her out of her own suffering. A sister lost, leaving behind three brothers who wished they could of saved her.

God yes so much yes I am screaming I am crying I am gnawing on this like a dog with a bone.

—

None of them tried to make her feel excluded. All of them in their own ways tried to reach out, tried to pull her closer, but they were all just so different that even when they tried it never felt like enough.

The boys were kind of course, knew just as she did how it was to be made other, but they were forever entangled in their word dynamic, one soul in two bodies, the closest someone could be to another person without cracking their chest open to crawl inside (she wondered one day if one of them would. Would take that final step to rejoin their hearts until they were one whole being again.) they had taken different approaches to the hatred of others, in the end. She had bowed to them, had let that hatred wash over her and change her like the tide wearing away a rock over the years. The boys had chosen to hold their heads high and roar back at that hate, had clung to the other half of them with one hand and heals the world at kunai point with the other. They were the closest she ever had to older brothers (“It’s two months!” “Sounds like something the baby would say!”) but no matter how much the three of them reached they never understood.

Sakumo was always there with a smile and a hair ruffle, rough hands that were capable of so much violence always so gentle when they ran over her head or clasped her shoulder. The head of the pack (“Alpha wolves don’t exist in a true pack. They are a family.) with his sharp smiles and constant praise. The boys earned that praise more often. Didn’t have to bleed and sweat and work for it like she did. Everything just came so naturally to them. Everything always came so naturally to them. The head of the pack, but she was never made for a pack. Not like the boys were. She had been so alone and so apart for so long she could never give herself fully to them. Couldn’t break down that wall. (Not when the village glared at the boys like they flared at her. Not when she would still get the most of their ire because she was the smallest. The weakest. The most worthless. She couldn’t bring them down with her.)

Kakashi, weirdly enough considering he was a child, was the one that understood her the most. The little pup also stood apart, sometimes eyed the others with those judgmental little looks when they did something truly ridiculous. Would slot himself against her side in the quiet moments and share the more peaceful air while the boys tried unsuccessfully to tackle sakumo into the dirt again. Still, even he slotted into their pack, the sharp tongued pup who was already flying through the ranks threatening to overtake her too.

(She shouldn’t care about that. She couldn’t not care about that.)

Then it all came to a head. Then the last piece that kept her from being a true failure (“They placed her with the White Fang? The other two I get but…”) and she… couldn’t.

A sword will only bend so far before it breaks.

And she shattered, catching everyone in the shrapnel.

The last things she says to her brothers, cradled between them with their hands trying desperately to slow the blood that all of them knew could never be stopped in time, are the two most simple. The only thing she could tell them in the end.

“I’m sorry. I love you.”

She hears them sobbing when the blood loss finally takes her. One final failure in a life of them.

She wakes up at a fire. Wakes up with a familiar face looking down at her with so much sadness and love. She would have hit the ground, would have fallen to her knees and put her forehead to the dirt and begged for his forgiveness, but Sakumo doesn’t give her the chance. He pulls her practically into his lap (like he used to for Kakashi and even the three of them when they were just little genin, hurting and scared and trying to figure out which end of the kunai to hold) pulls her face against his throat (vulnerable. So vulnerable with her. Did he know? Could he know? He was dead)and said the very things that had been her last words.

“I’m sorry. I love you.”

Time didn’t have much meaning in their space between. The fire never burned out. They never ate. Never slept.

Still, she was pretty sure she spent days clinging to Sakumo’s shirt and sobbing in his lap like a child. For the girl she was. For her father she had turned from. For the brothers she had left behind.

She stands back from the fire at first when the boys finally meet them (too soon. Far too soon) but kakashi spots her in the dark just like he always had. And what chance did she have not to be buried under the weight of her brothers (what were they all eating that they had gotten so damn tall. Never mind she had died still a teenager and never truly got to grow into her awkward proportions) when they had toppled the great White Fang? The boys clung to her, crying, telling her they loved her, apologizing and she

She finally didn’t feel so alone.

[battleangel]

Why Do I Keep Watching Football?

A Journal of the American Medical Association study in 2021 revealed that 21% of high school students have CTE.

High school. No money from NIL (Name Image Likeness) like college football players yet some of their games are still broadcasted on ESPN Friday nights as their schools profit off of their brain damage while none of these students make a dime. Just like in college, none of the high school football players are covered by school health insurance plans.

Get paralyzed during kickoff like Eric LeGrand at Rutgers? Thats your ass. Die from Second Impact Syndrome like that high school QB his senior year who passed away on the field? Sucks to be you.

Catastrophic injuries, paralysis, brain damage, CTE, death all suffered by players who never played past high school? Thats your ass, you're the one who signed the consent form.

Really????

We're okay with this with teenagers who arent being compensated or even covered by school insurance????

1 million high schoolers play football.

100,000 play in college.

There are currently 1,696 NFL players.

Have you figured out yet that most of the teenagers -- many of whom have played youth tackle football from the ages of 5 to 8 and have accumulated over a decade of hits by the time they stop playing when they graduate high school -- are never paid a fucking dime?

Yet we're all collectively okay with this as football fans and we smugly sit there and say, thats their ass.

When their father signed many of them up to play tackle football at 5 as a Mighty Tyke and at 8 as a Pee Wee because its what he did, what their uncle did, what their older brothers did, its what the men in their family do?

An 8 year old can make an informed choice and consent to potentially sign his life away to play a violent and dangerous literally life-threatening sport?

Fucking serious?

At 14, a teenager is old enough and mature enough to carefully review the available science, studies, academic research, journals, essays, statistics, effects of concussions, ligament and muscle and tendon damage and injuries, risk of early onset dementia & pre Alzheimers as early as 36, CTE, permanent brain damage, consequences of thousands of subconcussive head impacts, the toll of the accumulated hits at practice, during drills, training camps, and make an informed decision on whether they personally want to accept that risk.

Why are we pretending that a 5 year old, that an 8 year old, can make that decision, oftentimes with a father and older male relatives pressuring them and encouraging them to play like they did?

Fucking please.

I feel that being an NFL fan requires a collective and willing reflexive amnesia from season to season.

Only the most serious injuries & concussions are exempt from the collective and reflexive subconscious memory wipe amongst the fans.

We are all still leery about Tua Tugavoila & Damar Hamlin.

The Cameron Brates & Dane Jacksons of the previous season, however, the non-star players (Damar Hamlin is an exception as we watched him die live on TV) are instantaneously forgotten in-season in real time.

Even fans of their respective teams most likely do not recall their injuries. Cameron Brate, Bucaneers TE, played through a concussion last season with visible loss of motor skills and was never even evaluated, and the following week, Brate sustained a neck injury in game & was stretchered off-field. DaneJackson, Bills CB, was injured while tackling a wide receiver, and was immobilized on-field & ambulance had to come on the field & drive him off.

Why cant I stop watching football?

The cognitive dissonance is clear.

I keep waking up between 3 am and 5 am because of my back spasms, especially lower back, and lower back & spine pain due to my arthritis. I am 41 and have had arthritis for over 20 years.

And, while I lay awake at night, I keep thinking about NFL players, and the structural damage they willingly inflict on their bodies, and I wonder: are they too having difficulty sleeping prior to training camp and pre-season?

What is their cognitive dissonance like? How much do they have to dissociate to mentally brainwash themselves to return to the physical violence their bodies are still recovering from from last season?

Back to the car crash.

I think about how Cameron Brate is doing and I see flippant & dismissive articles on NFL.com & Buccaneers.com talking about how the Bucs released their "oft-injured tight end after 9 seasons".

But Brate playing through an undiagnosed concussion JUST happened last season! Not one article even mentioned it.

Oft-injured or undiagnosed concussions?

Brate was concussed on 10/2/22 early on during a game. He was visibly wobbly after the hit and struggled to balance himself and walk to the sidelines. Independent spotters, who have access to replay, chose not to utlize it and deemed it as a "hit to the shoulder", which the NFL's Chief Medical Doctor disagreed with later in the week, stating that it was a hit to the head and the spotters should have identified it as such.

Brate was never evaluated for a concussion and was allowed to play the duration of the game.

Bucs Head Coach Todd Bowles was asked after the game why Brate wasnt removed or even evaluated for a concussion given the fact that Brate stumbled around after the hit. Bowles said the spotters said it was a hit to the shoulder & that Brate himself complained about shoulder pain.

But video of the hit clearly shows contact to Brate's head and shoulder. Brate was kept out of practice that week but returned to play in the following week's game. In that game, just seven days after playing with an undiagnosed concussion, Brate injured his neck and was stretchered off the field.

For viewers who recalled Brate stumbling around the field after a hard hit and playing the rest of the game just the previous Sunday, seeing Brate stretchered off the following week was a chilling sight.

The announcers conceded that Brate had absorbed a hard hit the previous week but assured viewers that they could be comforted by the fact that Brate gave the ubiquitious "thumbs up" as he was stretchered off the field.

Nothing to worry about, folks. Back to the game.

What??

What about Dane Jackson.

Who?

Cornerback for the Bills, filling in for an injured Tre'Davious White. While making a tackle against the Titans on Monday Night Football last season, Jackson's teammate came in to assist with bringing down the Titan's wide receiver and inadvertently hit Jackson in the neck, popping his head backwards and slamming it against the turf while Jackson was on his stomach.

Play was paused for 10 minutes as an ambulance was needed to actually drive Jackson off of the field. You could have heard a pin drop in Highmark Stadium. I watched the game live.

Jackson was later evaluated at the hospital, and after an MRI and CT scan, it was determined he didnt have any spine or neck injuries. This injury happened on 9/19/22. Jackson returned to play on 10/2/22.

Jacksons best friend on the Bills, who played corner with him at Pitt, Damar Hamlin said after the game he had been terrified for his friend.

Damar you remember, right?

Dont worry about seeing a 24 year old man die in front of your eyes on Monday Night Football. Damar's already been cleared for the 2023 season by the Bills and has confirmed he will be playing.

What?!?!

Damar Hamlin received a routine shoulder tackle from Bengals WR Tee Higgins last season during Monday Night Football that triggered cardiac arrest. It was an ordinary tackle that Damar had received thousands of times by that point in his career.

Exceedingly rare, tragic event.

I get that.

But should he really play again, even if the Bills medically cleared him?

So, why do I keep watching?

As my back pain continue to wake me up at 3 am & 4 am, I keep thinking of the physical price these men pay to play this game.

Many of them give up their literal minds & personalities -- what do you think CTE is?

So, if it causes so much of an internal conflict for me, and theres so much cognitive dissonance -- why do I watch?

As I lay awake at 3 am, I think about my favorite NFL player, Joe Burrow, having amnesia at 26.

Burrow told Colin Cowherd on his podcast that there are entire games in college he cant remember because of how hard he was hit.

You really think that isnt happening to Burrow now in the NFL when he was sacked 100+ times the season he took the Bengals to the Super Bowl?

How hard does Aaron Donald hit?

Why did I even get into this sport given how I feel about violence and head injuries?

My husband is a football fanatic and when we started dating 16 years ago, we didnt just watch all of Sundays games together every week, we also watched Sunday Morning Countdown every week on ESPN. From 9 am to 11:30 pm, every Sunday was nothing but football.

I got to know the personalities, both currently on the field, and former personalities now working as TV analysts, play by play announcers and color commentators.

I admired the wide receivers, cornerbacks and tight ends confidence, swagger, big personalities and physical courage. I loved the trash talk and endless storylines. I loved the drama. I loved the sport, the contrast of the exhilirating highs and devastating lows, the constant adrenaline, the men running out of the smoke-filled tunnels, the roar of 70k fans, the larger than life personalities, the devil may care attitude of the players, their toughness and their seemingly invincible auras and their never scared demeanors.

I was hooked.

Football also became our ritual as a couple. Cuddling in bed watching ESPN Sunday Morning Countdown, ordering pizza, wings and breadsticks for the games, talking about upcoming rivalries, cheering the Eagles on, and ofcourse, shit talking the Cowboys.

I started watching football with my husband and became a fan back in 2007.

We then got married in 2014 and, due to his retail job, for the first time I was now watching football games alone on Sunday.

Goddamn, those helmet to helmet hits are fucking loud as fuck.

My husband was no longer around on Sundays to distract me from all of the violence. Just me alone in my apartment every Sunday but I kept the games on because I was so used to watching them by then.

Thwack. Thwack. Thwack.

The hits and collisions were getting to me in the otherwise empty silence of our 1 bedroom apartment but I kept the games on, texting updates to my husband at work whenever big plays would happen.

Prior to meeting my husband, I didnt like football and I questioned the violence. I only watched Super Bowl for the ads and halftime performances. But the violence always bothered me.

In meeting my husband, and watching the countdown shows, NFL on Fox Sunday and all the other programs, it ended up humanizing the players for me.

I saw how brash, braggadocious, brave and fucking cool they were. I was hooked.

But I could never get over, stop questioning or accept the violence. I couldnt turn my brain off and just watch. They didnt disappear for me when my husband turned off SNF.

The hits stayed with me, sometimes for weeks. I was constantly writing down players names that disappeared down the tunnel to the lockerroom. Were they alright? We never got an update about him. Dozens and dozens of names, on every team, regardless of whether it was a back up player, special teams player or someone who was just activated from the practice squad that day. If a player was injured, was removed from the game, and the broadcast didnt have an update by the end of the game, I went online to find out how the players were doing.

My husband and father told me to reserve that level of concern for star players on the team I rooted for, the Eagles, or else every season would be a long season. But I never could do that and I did it for every single player who was seriously injured on broadcast for every team, no matter how much of a fringe player they were, every week.

In 2016, I bought Slow Getting Up by Nate Jackson, a former TE for the Broncos. In his book, which is named after a hit he took from Willie McGinest where the announcers euphemistically stated that he was "slow getting up" where he literally couldnt get out of bed the next day and he was begging his trainer after the game on the team bus for Vicodin or something to take the edge off his pain or he was going to have to "hit the streets".

In his book, Jackson also wrote about how the Broncos team doctor lied to him repeatedly about an injury he complained about all season long and insisted he was fine, but in reality, his hamstring had tore clear off of the bone.

Nate also wrote about how the Broncos head coach, during training camp, was overseeing a hitting drill where Nate as a TE had to repeatedly go against a defender where they had to line up and hit each other over and over and over again to the point where Nate said his head was ringing and there was a shooting pain throughout his body.

Nate said he kept staring at coach throughout the drill, willing him to blow the whistle and mercifully end the hitting drill but no whistle came.

In his book, Nate wrote, Blow the damn whistle! Crack. Blow the whistle! Crack. Come on! Crack. Then, finally, the coach blew the whistle and the torturous drill ended, and Nate said he was seeing stars.

If thats not brainwashing, what is?

I kept researching academic papers, journals and essays. I kept youtubing tackle drills for Mighty Tykes (tackle youth football ages 5 to 7) and Pee Wee (tackle youth football ages 8 to 10). Twelve plus hours on many Saturdays was spent researching things like NFHS contact rules for high school and how they were less protective than NFL and even college rules. For instance, only in 2022 did NFHS change their rules to finally allow HS quarterbacks to throw the ball away.

I still do research all the time to this day. The effects of the game. Frank Gifford. Mike Webster. Terry Bradshaw. Past and present players. Effects of concussions on youth players. CTE incidence rate in high school players.

Why do I still watch?

I asked myself that this morning, aftet another 7 hour google marathon that began when my back pain woke me up at 3 am.

Junior Seau. The culpability of fans in NFL players with CTE who committed suicide.

Do we kill these men?

The honest answer is, I want to finish Joe Burrows story.

Its like Cody Rhodes in WWE.

Ive started the journey with Burrow his rookie year in the NFL when I became a fan and I want to see him win MVP. Prove that hes a better QB than Mahomes. Win a Super Bowl. Hoist the Lombardi trophy. Go from riding the bench for 3 years at OSU as a backup to literal Tom Brady comparisons. Be the only QB in NFL history to have won the CFP, Heismann & the Super Bowl.

I believe Burrow processes the field better than any QB other than Brady. He gets the ball out quickest, his throws are the most accurate, his completion percentage is bananae.

Like Brady, Burrows mental is what differentiates him, not his arm like Herbert, hes not a physical specimen like Allen, not an escape the pocket wizard like Lamar.

Brady was none of those things either.

Like Brady, its Burrows ability to read coverage pre-snap, to adjust, to react, and how quickly and how accurately he does this and how fast he processes the field.

I believe Burrow will win at least 4 Super Bowls and go down as one of the best QBs of all time.

Its Manning/Brady all over again, but Mahomes is Manning and Burrow is Brady, and I am watching it all unfold in real time.

Burrow destroyed his entire knee, ACL and everything, missed most of his rookie season, came back the very next season and took the previous 2-14 Bengals to the Super Bowl and lost to the Rams by 1 play. Oh, and he was sacked that season over 100 times, including 5 sacks in the Super Bowl, tied for all time with Staubach.

I could have blocked better than the line Burrow was stuck with 2 seasons ago. And he still came 1 holding call away within 5 yards of the goal line with a few minutes left in the Super Bowl and 1 play away against the best defensive player other than LT in Aaron Donald from completing the pass to Jamarr and winning the Super Bowl. The Bengals only lost by 4 points.

This past season, Burrow took the Bengals all the way to the AFC Championship after beating the Bills at home in the snow at Highmark Stadium, but this time the Chiefs won.

This season, I believe Joe will win the Super Bowl and MVP. As he said when he responded to Mahomes' and Kelce's trash talk, "We'll see you in December."

But thats why.

As much as I love and root for the Eagles and have even seen them play in person at The Linc, all of the gameday rituals with my husband, we make a different dip every week and eat it all day while we watch all of the games, cuddling in bed watcing Game Day morning, making the dip for the 1 pm game, eating it during the 4 pm and SNF games, then putting on Game Day Final as we go to sleep. Football and gameday are one our biggest rituals as a couple.

But the reason I just cant turn it off with all of the cognitive dissonance I feel about the sport and the NFL is Burrow.

I really am invested in his journey and I just cant turn it off.

But, just like it was before I ever met my husband and became a fan, I can never turn my brain off. I can never just accept the violence. I cant stop researching and questioning. Wondering how and if the game can be made safer. Should kids play tackle football under 14? Even at 14, the brain is still developing -- should they be exposing themselves to all those hits when they arent even being compensated and most wont play at the college level, forget about arena/XFL/USFL/CFL/Europe.

The exploitation, the science, the racism. When will there be a test that can detect CTE in living and current players at all levels? Are we 5 years away? 3 years? 1 year? Does that end the sport as we know it as lower levels will be unable to ensure it, if say, 33%+ current players already have CTE? Will tackle football become 7 on 7 and/or flag football?

Does Joe Burrow have CTE along with the amnesia he has already admitted to?

Do the majority of college and NFL linemen, running backs and tight ends have CTE? What about high school?

As I continue to research, grapple, question and think, I've also already planned our dip for the Eagles Week 1 game. I'm already counting down to the Bengals/Chiefs match up in December. I have my oversized Bengals chain and Joe Burrow shirt where hes wearing the Cartiers & fur jacket he wore to Arrowhead Stadium on display near my TV.

But I also have, and will always have, my cognitive dissonance about football.

[selamat-linting]

the worst part of being an indonesian student is when youre enrolling highschool and you choose vocational tradeschool instead of normal school, if it doesnt work out, or you decide to find other passions, or if you find out you're not good at it, you cant change majors. if you want to go to college to pick something else, restart your educational path so to speak, there's a good chance the three years you spend doesn't count for shit since it doesn't teach you all the fundamentals to be ready for college apparently. so you have to redo that entire three years in catch-up school. and unlike vocational highschool or normal public ones, you have to pay a tuition.

its unrealistic to demand a bunch of 15 year olds to be sure a spesific trade is what they want to do forever, but i guess thats the system here. cant afford college? okay, here's an education program so you could go to work in an industry straight away! but there's a catch, your actual education will be sacrificed for precious industry knowledge and experience, so this is the only kind of job you can be qualified for regardless of your actual skill level or interests or whether you change your mind later. if the economy or technological requirements surrounding that line of work changed drastically then youre fucked. have fun working menial "low skilled" work that a middleschool graduate can do as well (but is barred to do it because of crapitalism) for the rest of your short life. and if you want to change like join medical school or academia or law school for example, then get ready paying not only money but so much time and energy to redo the entire three years of highschool while also working for a living.

and yknow why our education is like this? its because its centered on profit and creating ready-made low wage workers meant to serve the national bourgeoisie and foreign imperialist bastards. our future is nothing but a money making machine to be squeezed dry to the government. if they really want affordable education and job security for the people, they'd drastically lower the tuition and requirements to get into higher education, eradicate workplace discrimination, give accessibility for disabled people, nationalize the industries and have it run for the workers instead of the bosses, and most of all, gave people their right for stable housing and food.

but nooo, thats not what happened. what happened is that capitalists turn a fucking problem into a chance to make money while fascists shoots everyone who tried to stop it and brand their victims as a fucking heretic. fuck the SMK program istg, the promise of landing you a job is a LIE! not just because of the reasons i say here but also because for a lot of majors and school, the curriculum is outdated for industry standards. so while you might be technically qualified, you will not survive the interview process.

also again, the framing if paket C (our ged program) as a way for poor people to catch up on their education is so disingenous like, thats not free at all. you actually have to pay a tuition every semester and its 2 million rupiahs. do you know how some of the monthly minimum wage rates in our country doesnt even reach that number? ALSO if theyre too poor to go to public school then how do you expect them to get a job that pays minimum wage? with their discontinued education huh? in this economy even college graduate kids get paid below minimum wage sometimes.

i hope every indonesian politician and military generals die tomorrow ngl

[cosmixbun]

my favorite moments from the owl house finale OBVIOUS SPOILERS DUH (timestaps + thoughts)

EVERYTHING IS IN TIMESTAMPS IN RELATION TO THE YOUTUBE VIDEO EPISODE AND NOT THE DISNEY+ EPISODE (they might be the same but it's 2:45 am (now 3:36 am as i publish this) and the disney+ ep isn't out yet lol)

4:50- i love hunter so much he's just like me and when i saw this i think my heart killed itself oh my god.

6:36- i love him, that's it i love him every time he's on screen i get so excited he's literally me, i am him

11:14- i cannot get over how much i love this design ??? i also love raine, ik that they r literally possessed rn (it's one of my favorite tropes omg i just cant they did the belos possession with my two favorite characters in this show)

15:50- i love raine SO MUCH i literally do not care that i keep saying this i just love raine. and the sterness of them saying get out to belos ??? ur literally my fav pls.

21:37- GAHHHHH THIS WHOLE SEQUENCE ???? i love seeing monster animated ESPECIALLY big ones with little details omg i wanna redraw this version of belos so bad.

21:44- MY FAVORITE SHOT ??? i live for skull shots.

22:58-die. die. die luz why would u do this and rip my heart out and step on it i cant

24:14- die. die. die. i started sobbing i hate watching other peoples reactions to emotional moments, it makes me cry more. AND CAMILA CRYING EVEN THO SHE'S STILL A PUPPET ?? death. im being buried alive actually.

24:54- THESE CLOSE UPS. KILLED. ME. the very slight detail to the lines is all it did for me, i literally wanted to rip my eyes out and watch these close up again.

25:14- KING ???? OH MY GOD ???? sorry i just love this little guy and seeing him angry is just so good i love it.

25:19- MY WIFE ????? get angry again pls omg i love u sm her losing control is also another one of my favorite tropes to exist ever.

29:59- omg dana im kissing the ground u walk on for this. i LOVE DETAILED MONSTERS OH MY GOD ???? dana u genius you.

31:40- THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND GRIEF OR DEATH :((((( so u want me to die, so u want me dead, so u want me to cry

32:15- GRAAAAHHHHH THIS ENTERANCE ???? I LOVE LUZ SM THIS IS SUCH A LUZ MOMENT.

34:13- I LOVE ANIMATION OH MY GOD I JUST ASDFJOEIAGJEORHGIERJROFJIER HG9ERAHIU. thank you animation, for existing.

37:10- STOP I LOVE THIS. ILY RAINE. AND THE LITTLE EDA AND RAINE MOMENT ??? stop i NEED them to kiss rn, rnrnrnrnrnrn.

38:02- THIS. FUCKING. FIGHT. "how anime can we get the entire scene." AND THEN BLEW IT TO 300000X MORE.

38:33- THE CALL BACK AFJAOGFJIHSAODFJSDFN i died actually, i cannot belive this. i think someone called it and im kissing their brain rn oh my god this is just so luz and then instead of LUZURA SHE SAYS LUZ, SHE GREW INTO HERSELF HERE.

38:55- MY FAVORITE LUZ MOMENT EVER OMG THIS IS SO LUZ OMG I LOVE THE ANIMATION AND THE PRESENTAION OF THE VOICE AND THEN JUST GAH I LOVE.

41:17- "bitch please." god i loved this moment. luz could literally give less of a damn. i loved belos as a villain and just this is so satisfying to luz and to the clawthore's.

44:13- HUNTER I LOVE YOU OMG PLS U CAN BE HAPPY NOW.

44:22- he's just like me fr, ik he got that pizzazz to him too, just look at him.

45:42- EDA AND RAINE NEST ?!?!?!? crying sobbing throwing up, oh my god when is it my turn to be happy.

46:08- CAMILA AND EDA MOMENT. :'( i shed a tear i loved this moment even if it was really tiny.

46:20- HOOTY AND LILY ADIFHASDIFHASIFI god i love lilith sm

46:42- OMG KILL ME AND KISS ALREADY PLS crying i love them sm

47:00- EDA AND RAINE PLS I LOVE YOU I CANT EVEN. (also didn't mention it before but raine's scars ??? <333333 def just like me) ((where is my eda pls i want to be like them))

48:03- OLDER LUZ AND THE PICTURES FSDKFSJDOFJASIF OLDER VEE ???? cried, im graduating this year and to see the graduation picture and luz going to college is so me and i just :((

48:25- AAAAA OLDER LUZ !!!! i love this design sm i see nothing wrong tbh AND THE FLAPJACK TAT OMG :((((

49:13- SOBBING WILLOW LOOKS SO CUTE OMG

49:25- MY BOY KFJAFJDFJ HE LOOKS SO MUCH LIKE CALEB I WAS SO SHOCKED FJASDFHA AND THEN THE TALISMAN BUSINESS SIGN IS FLAPJACK AND HE ALSO HAS A TATTOO AND NO MORE EYE BAGS AND I JUST :DDDDD HIS DESIGN IS SO GOOD IT SUITS HIM SO WELL AND I JUST :D. my boy is all grown up :(

49:34- stop i love the animation and them sm omg i cant (im not a huge huntlow shipper, i can see it but i like them as friends too)

50:08- OLDER LILITH OMG MY OTHER WIFE she so cute she is also just like me (she has pizzazz bc i have pizzazz and i think all characters i like have it too bc they r just like me)

50:20- i love older amity AND HER MENTOR IS LILITH WHICH IS SO CUTE :(( god i love them sm

50:27- HARPY LILITH MY BELOVED OMG I JUST CANT UR SO JFASDFHOAJO

51:10- i need these two to kiss so bad it's not even funny oh my god fanfic writers pls GET ON THIS. i love both of these guys so much

51:15- OLDER RAINE DFJAISDFIASDHF OIADJFOSADFH OASJF sorry i died their suit is so ???? gah i love them i just cant contain myself i love them.

52:10- GUSSSSSS !!!! finally a hair change babes it looks so good. and the boiling ises and the human realm exchange program !!! gah i love gus

52:16- WIFEY MOMENT OMG HIIII whoever gave the idea for a hook is getting kisses from me oh my GOD. she is so <33333

52:30- KING !!!! he's growing into himself i love it :D

52:48- sobbing they all look so good i cant even tell u how much i love them all

53:00- THIS. this kiss means so much to me it's so like authentic ??? of course the other ones are too but something about this one being so casual, like theres no threat and they just saw eachother, it's a kiss for just being there, in the moment.

53:19- crying, shaking, screaming, crying, this pan is so cute i cant even

54:46- this. is how u end a show. omg i just, wow

[famousaft3rdeath]

i can't quite process everything this quickly.

it feels like everything is going a million miles a minute and as soon as i get one sandcastle built a tsunami comes and wipes it out.

i know i'm replacing a vice for a vice. i'm very wary of them all. the only vices i really want are drugs and self harm but yknow, cant do much of those internationally.

i can't keep dragging everyone else down with me. this is a sentiment i've repeated my entire conscious life, yet i've never abided. of course the one time i find a nice, normal guy, i'm in one of the most chaotic places i've ever been. such is life. i really just need to be alone. i tend to jump from guy to guy, begging for validation wherever i can get it, falling hard and fast until there is nothing there to catch me.

truthfully, i'm not sure i want anything to catch me anymore. it may be better for me to just close my eyes and jump into the abyss, ending up wherever i end up. i'm still considering ending things when i get home. it would be a lot easier, and a lot less expensive. i'm no longer in the angry, intense, weepy depression i've been in for the last few weeks. now it's just an acceptance. i have no goals, no passions, no reason to be here. plain and simple. people would get over it. i did. builds character, i think.

of course, there's the elephant-in-the-room reason. the angsty 13-year-old reason. revenge. "then they'll all be sorry." of course, it's just him. and i'm not even sure that he'd be sorry. i don't know that he would care at all. he doesn't care about me now, i know that for a fact. if he cared, he wouldn't have abandoned me like he did. i have no doubt in my mind that we'll never speak again. so a part of me, a larger part than i'd like to admit, wants to die just to make him feel like shit. he would 100% think it was his fault. and it partially would be. there's always the chance, though, that i'll do it and he won't care, and i'll never know. i do wish there was an afterlife, just so i can know if i made a mistake after it happens. it's so stupidly selfish, i know. i tend to be like that. maybe it would be better to keep everyone else from me. break their hearts once then never again. this may be the best course of action.

truthfully i don't know what's best. i never have. i've always been a planner: this is where i'll go to school, this is what my degree will be in, this is where i'll move after i graduate, i'll have a house by x age and retire by x year. of course, things never go as planned. why would they?

i've warned everyone, i think. said things not worrying enough to warrant action, but enough to raise some flags. not too much, obviously. but enough. that way if i do decide to do it, no one can say they didn't see it coming. everyone should see it coming at this point. i don't even know that it would make things that much worse for anyone. they all know it's coming. everyone except my father, i think, but my death would make his life so much easier that i think it would be fine. i am a sunk cost. he's put in too much time and money now to reconcile with the fact that it wasn't worth it. that i failed. that everything they both did was in vain.

i don't think i've ever felt like more of a failure in my life. i always have, at least a little bit, but no more than i do right now. i am disappointing everyone. not in a woe-is-me, everything is terrible way. just a fact. i've never once lived up to expectations, including my own. so what's the point in trying anymore?

[temporarymoods]

worst week of the year

hey blog

theres so much i want to tell you and would rather be feeling right now e.g. my truth about being nonbinary and graduating and moving and finishing college and new music and new inspirations and volunteering and all those thoughts about the world and cooking-- but right now i just feel like shiiiiiit.

nothing profound, barely edited stream of consciousness, about:

insecurity

it's so hitting sometimes. and i try to come up with why and i figure a couple things: stress. not sleeping great. hormones (follicular phase). the weather (gloomy). anxiety (but that's the same thing as insecurity). not eating great. negative reinforcement. negative reinforcement. negative reinforcement. reading into things. losing the male gaze. needing so badly different clothes.

it's the worst when it manifests socially like this. like the most negative voice in your head narrating-- why? i know it's just as easy to switch to another. so why do i have these tendencies to slip into the worst of it? just wired that way? why do the low moods have such a moving character? maybe its not that big of a deal. but for days i have felt awful. and i cant even communicate that properly to the people that love me because its too much- its really just too much to launch into. and so i need a long chat before i can move any of this weight off me. so im here. <3

i know i dont suck. but sometimes i guess i do. or i could. so i worry about being lost-- about other people losing me, in a concerned-for-myself way. and i think about how utterly pointless this post is because girl, you're not saying anything that hasn't already been sai across the world.

that's nice. this shit isn't unique. but whe no one talks about it it kinda feels like everything is fine for everybody. and when i'm doing fine i see that that's true in a sense. everyone's lives are so cool even when theyre bad. no need to compare because we're really on the same page. just need to remember that. the equalness. the sameness of the value of all of our lives, of my life in particular. it is not less it is not less. dear reader i can only say in plain words and ask you to believe me that the "but"s come up so strong there. "it is not less" does not sit without protest, and riot again. i don't want to lie, so opens up the possibility that "it is not less" is not true... you may see how the facilitation of this dialogue weighs on me.

judging myself for all that i don't do. so much love so little do, i think. but then i dont have time. because im a student. and that kills me. been slowly killing me for years. once i decided i wouldnt die the killing only got slower, subtler. what a drain on the spirit. you ask anyone, hopefully, they will tell you, college has not been for me. but in college i have found pieces of life that could be, that would be. i feel closest to them now. but what if ive been lying? what if my lines i repeat against this fucking institution have just been An Excuse? for not living... that's terrifying. that i'm a phony. that im really just a loser !! we'll see i guess. what a pressure. what a chance.

feeling so limited in so many ways . in the gender fashion way (and with those two words im done speaking on this). in the free time way, of course. my friends inspire me when they do things that are simply joyful. smart. so smart. can't afford to give myself those pleasures right now. i want to soon. i so, so want to. and i hope that when this all goes away i wasn't lying and i can. the kind of thing that you cant test or experiment on without replicating exact conditions, so the kind of thing you can't really ever know until you're there: if life gets better.

i think there are things about me that i need to fix. first: stop using i/me/mine. unpack that. i dont think its actually like that. like probably shut the fuck up and stop THINKING!! about yourself. but also---- this is important---- think about yourself more and do a much better job upon reflection, please. tweak. and edit. and abolish. yesss, yes. then you'll get it.

at least i am so far from my potential. like, that's a good thing. there are so many things i can do. thats empowering an i think about that a lot because its part of my self therapy prompt. i think ive talked about it on here before but in case i didnt/as a refresher, when i journal for efficacy it usually starts with "i'm feeling [fill in blank.] i can do something about this!" literally. like i make myself write that sentence every time. kind of geen, would recommend. works. having agency rules. having a tendency to forget i have agency sucks. something to work on something to build.

and of course ive come a long way. for the worst week of my 2024 its not that bad of a week, like woah. really puts it into perspective. things could suck so much badder. thank Fucking god. im really fine. its really fine. phew. the future is chilling, honest, if only because i have so much knowledge er wisdom about how to be happy. and cuz of logistics. we good. i love my people and they love me and like its fiiiine and im cool. the present aint bad i just need to do my homework, that's all, really. i just need to do it and now that i've typed all of this out i feel a bit better like i can. in pavement. rn. bagel sandwich on mom. gift card from christmas/my bday, cool. iced vanilla latte matching the classic vibe. i am but a collection of past selves, my life built upon other versions, wearing these fuckass old clothes in a new body is kind of the human condition. changing and having to catch up to it. we're in that gap of time where things havent updated or refreshed. the part in second puberty where its not actually done yet. theres actually more to come and youre in that transitional phase. thats what this is. another one of those. things just arent figured out or settled or that comfortable because im too busy to make them better or good and thats just what it is right now and thats fine because there is definitely an end to this. 2 weeks, whatever. i can make it two weeks at not-my-best. which is wild to say because i was literally feeling my best like a week ago, so, what? that's what this fucking blog is all about. kateworld changes so fast. its all temporary.

catch you on the upswing

Kate

<3

[biohazard-inevitable]

Death and My Life

⚠️Warning for talks of suicide and other grim death topics!!⚠️

People worry about me when they find out how casual I am about death

To them, I’m depressing, grim, haunted and troubled

“Dont think like that”

“Are you okay?”

“Doesn’t it bother you?”

And in truth, it used to, in the past.

I used to want it to come faster, used to wish I’d never wake up.

Ive been in some dark places, but now, death is a faint comfort.

I dont desire it, not anymore.

Instead, I walk alongside it.

People look at me strange when I tell them it relaxes me, and I cant for the life of me begin to explain.

But death, is already a part of me. A part of everything.

We’re all on one big fuse destined to explode and collapse one day.

We are not infinite.

Growing up, death was something that happened around us, something we didn’t think about.

You dont consider that your hamburger is dead, that bouquet you picked from the yard is dead, that bug squashed by the flyswatter is dead, the squirrel smeared across the road is dead.

Death was something that happened to things, to objects, but certainly not to people.

We’d see it on the tv in nature documentaries, maybe you discected a frog in school, maybe you squashed a lizard in a door or watched a fish choke to death as you held it from a string out of water

Maybe your first experience with death was a pet.

Maybe a grandparent.

Or maybe even a dear friend.

Mine was a boy.

I didn’t know him well, just his name and his face.

Maybe that makes it worse, that he was a random kid.

We were grade-mates.

He was nice, I would watch him play at recess and heard him be called upon in class.

I didnt really know him.

I didn’t know his favorite color or favorite animal or even what cartoons he liked to watch.

One day, he was gone.

We were only children, just barely double digits.

11, maybe 12.

He shot himself.

And then he was gone.

His seat, empty for the rest of the year.

I never saw him again, and for a while, the world felt empty.

So this is death.

I thought to myself.

I wasn’t really all that sad.

Couldn’t be.

I didnt know him,

But I cant forget him.

I still think about him, from time to time.

Think about how we would have graduated together, probably gone to high school together.

Nobody talks about him anymore.

Hes gone.

It surprised me, to be truthful, about how death can just come and go so silently.

I don’t think I can go back to how I was before.

But now, I find death an odd comfort.

I collect the dead, be it bones or furs or leather.

Its like they matter, like now there’s someone there still to see them.

They didn’t just dissappear.

They didn’t stop showing up.

Their body is here, but still they’re gone.

Its comfoting, to know that in some bleak way, nothing matters.

We’ll all dissappear.

We’ll all die.

It’s inevitable.

There’s no stopping it.

So, why should you care about anything besides your joy?

We’ll all die

So enjoy what you want.

Why judge anyone for what they like when at the end of it all

We’ll all just be another obituary

Sure, its sad, and it can be scary.

We cry, but we’re human.

Theres nothing we could have done

Maybe it makes me apathetic or cynical

But I’ve grown weary of worrying about my clock.

Sure, i know its ticking.

But isnt everyone’s?

You cant run from death

So its the strongest thing to believe in.

I’ve stopped running

When it happens, it’ll happen

And I’ll leave knowing i’ve done all i could to be as happy as I can.

Whatever happens afterwards will happen

Because as far as this realm is concerned

It doesnt matter

[chrispychrisalis]

i cried

Today, I had a mental breakdown. When I was exercising, I suddenly went on an impassioned rant about how I could never do the things I want because I am in no position of privilege to take my time to graduate nor extend the number of semesters I stay in school for.

I can’t be in that position, so why bother changing where I am right now?

I don’t like the feeling of knowing that I’m not ok.

When I was 8, it was the first time I had a suicidal thought. I remeber asking God if I died that my remaining 72 years of life would be transferred to other people. I was such a little philanthropist.I never did die, considering how I’m still here, but the deep feeling of sadness has never stopped haunting me.

When I was 17, I experienced my first panic attack on the toilet bowl. I cried, hiccuped, felt like I was unable to breathe. The reason? After my family had gotten COVID it was up to me and my sister to buy dinner for everyone. We had been doing this for days, until one day as we bought KFC my mom got mad about some drink changes and it made both of us so miserable the only way I was able to let it all out was cry on the toilet bowl. I do that a lot.

Today, after my pent up feelings of not being able to live my life as per my wishes were released, my family came home from dinner. I dont know what happened but suddenly my mom got all mad about us not minding our own businesses and how we keep trying to fix her hoarding behaviour, and suddenly our sibling chill time at the dining table ended in a few minutes. I stared at the alcohol in her hands and wondered if it was the alcohol’s fault, but as I recalled the story of Bojack, I realised that substances dont make people do things, its just a scapegoat.

My sister chose to left the table, while my brother tried to use humor to comfort her. Me? I sat under my study table and cried my little heart out until I realised I was way to loud and went to bathe so I could continue sitting on a stool and cry.

If I let my mom know I cried because of her as I did in the past, it will turn from her saying sorry to her getting angry because its not like she can do anything to fix it so how about I just stop crying? If my brother sees me crying he will call me emotional. I cant cry because I was not directly impacted. According to their logic, the spillover effects from what they do should not hurt me, but yet with every argument and every sibling gathering at home getting broken up, I feel so lonely. 

Sometimes I feel that because I dont self harm, nor do I actually attempt to kill myself, I dont have depression. But maybe I do, and I've just been avoiding that sense of emptiness and sadness that I cant just seem to shake off. I feel like im unfixable and mentally broken. Why am I only 20 and so sad all the time? If i can be this sad when Im young, where does that leave me for the rest of my future? How do I move forward? What is my future even?

Who am I?

[alchemy4u]

it hurts everyday 2/19/24

as i get older coming to terms with that i got groomed is one of the most hardest things for me to come to terms with. how can i call it grooming when i liked him and i think he actually liked me. this makes it so confusing. i was only 13, yet he knew me, he knew my secrets, he knew everything. he made me feel seen he made me feel important, he made me feel older. yet he made me feel disgusting he make me feel depressed he made me feel suicidal he made me feel confused. I WAS ONLY 13. how how how!? how could you do that to a 13 year old. as i turn the age you were when you groomed me i always ask how, how did you do what u did. its not like we even did anything sexual, and honestly thats just what makes it feel worse... it was so emotional and deep. to me it was so innocent but in reality it was so disgusting. you made me feel scared yet you made me feel more loved then anyone has ever made me feel. god. and now that your not in my life anymore i want you even more. i wanted you to see me grow up, i wanted you to see me actually be pretty, i wanted you to see me graduate and get my license. I just wanted you to see me grown, not the child i was. but would you even like me anymore? i want to talk to you so bad, i search for you so much. and i can never find you. did you die? go to jail? or did you just go ghost? you have my number, i wish you called it. FUCKING GOD DAMN IT. why do i still fucking think about you. why did you have to exist. why did you have to expose me to so much when i was so young. i was just a child i didnt understand it. fuck fuck. i just seriously think talking to you one final time would give me the some sort of closure i need. we stopped talking when i was 16, but now im gonna turn 20 and I STILL FUCKING THINK ABOUT YOU HOLY SHIT. its almost been 7 years. im crying. why did it have to be me, and why cant i find you and talk to you again. i just want to talk to you again.... please

[beatheprincess]

🎉 2023 wrap up 🎉

Any year is better than 2020-21 imo😪 like yall I didn't even wanna exist during that time.. anywho this year has been ALOT of milestones and emotions !

I've made some good friends who I thought would be there for me forever but weren't, I've also enlisted alot of boundaries with both family and friends because I'm tired of being hurt over and over.

I graduated from school and actually had a lovely summer !! Been going to college since and at times it has been stressful because I'm putting myself through school :/ and idk what I'm doing because I'm so new to everything but it's always cool asking for help ! As for relationships w family (me and sibs are real tight) ofc I felt envy because I felt like my mom doesnt spend enough time w me🤷🏽‍♀️ I dont feel that way anymore ofc. I ask my parents for advice from time to time but I dont wanna feel pressured or rushed cus it is my life and I do what I want n I'm on the right track rn.

As for friends, I dont wanna put up with the bullshit anymore of the fakeness , either be in my life or not; your choice🤷🏽‍♀️ cant force people to stay nor will I, I'm not gonna forgive no more either because people kno wtf their doin and I always feel stupid so that's the end of that, apologize all you want but there has to action and not words. Period.

I also discovered alot about myself this year too and what I'm into thus why I changed this blog around :] I still have nsfw accs follow me but that's fine all will be blocked till the day I die or deactivate XD but yes I feel stagnant with myself and will continue being me and being less afraid ☆ thanks to all the kind followers/moots who like my blog ily💜

2024 be kind to us🎉

[theharshestaddiction]

it's been 4 years now apparently. i don't think I really loved him, I was just vulnerable and young.

i dont know how to explain what it is like after being groomed. it is painful to live with this trauma. i find that my own relationships sometimes cant feel as fulfilling because im not used to having such a consistent relationship. my boyfriend is a constant point of joy and affection my life. i self sabotage to try and recreate what it is like to be groomed and I cant. nothing feels the same as when he did it, or when she did. to be groomed by a teacher is an entirely different experience. when she was older it felt more like a high school thing, she was freshly graduated, but with him he was grown. he saw something in me even though I'm so young, of course I felt special. of course I felt special. it gets harder to remember exactly what happened a lot of the time, I think I am blocking it all out now. i spend everyday on the bus dreaming of writing a book or screenplay that can represent how this feels, but this pain cannot be put into words. i am loved and cared for by nearly everyone I know now, but the pain seems so attractive.

if i were to create a film or book about it I wouldnt want the actor to show his face. i think it would represent how I never put an identity to his name. i never ever made him a real person, here or in real life. my ex girlfriend might remember, but I doubt it. it would be all hands and movements, maybe some shots of his face up close. but it would be just like how it feels. bits and pieces, while I give my whole body and soul.

i always feel like someones gonna go through my blogs if im ever killed or if i die, so i think I should clarify. he never touched me inappropriately, he never raped or assaulted me. he complimented, encouraged and was personal with me. i don't know if he meant to groom me, I dont know what his intention was. i don't know why I was his favorite. i wish i did so i could swallow this all down.

i rarely write or talk about this because it hurts so much, but its been getting bad again. not processing this properly has been bad for me. i think about it on the bus all the time. for at least an hour a day I reminisce on what I think is gone. there was nothing ever there in the first place. i could talk about it endlessly and still say nothing, still describe nothing. there is a cork in my throat and I cant say words. why cant I admit it to myself? why do I still doubt him?

i know he was a good man. i want to know that, at least. the warmth I felt when he was hurting me was unlike anything I have known. like an absent part in my heart had been filled. probably because I was so angry with my parents at the time. i feel like I'm giving away too much. if I'm dead and youre reading this please don't go after him. i don't love him, I wish I never met him. he still works in schools I think. i have been searching for his social media for years, but I am unable to find it. there is nothing on him. no linked in or anything. its weird. his name is too common.

i find that i have a strange attraction to older men now. or maybe just one. pedro pascal is attractive to me, but i dont think thats because of this. hes just attractive. anyhow, I find that i read a lot of fanfiction with age gap relationships. it isn't to like, get me off or anything dumb. i just . i want to feel that way again. i want to feel so far beneath someone that when they lift me up an inch it feels like the first breath I've taken in years.

i am complacent in my own pain.

i wish he had touched me sometimes. i wonder what his bed may have felt like, when im alone and angry. i get mad that he probably has a girlfriend, and that hes forgotten about me by now. i know he only saw me last a year ago but hes probably had a hundred students since my class.i wish he would think about me, or email me. i wish I would wake up to a notification and see his name asking how I am. i just want him to see that I'm doing well in school, just like he remembers. i feel like he would care that I didn't give up. i feel like hes the only one who ever made me feel like my writing was really worth something. i dont let anyone read my stuff anymore unless its for school. no one would compliment it like he did, and even if they could it wouldnt be from him so what does it reall matter.

i remember when i learned he didnt have a girlfriend. i remember trying not to smile, thinking it could be me. i was 14, maybe. she was allergic to shellfish and he had bought her a dinner with shellfish in it, but I don't think thats why they broke up. maybe she found out that he's kind of a loser.

i just wish love hadnt been so ruined for me. it feels like my heart has been beaten down in everyway possible now. sexually, and emotionally.

i hate knowing that this is a shared pain. i hate knowing im not the only one. i hate that im letting go of this in some stupid post on a blog i made for him. i hate that there were others, i hate that there will be others. i should have been the only one for him. i should be the one with him and i should be killing him and hurting him the way he hurts me even now.

at the end of that movie she kills the man, the one with no face. i don't know anything else about the plot, but she stabs him to death in his kitchen.

[pyrait]

Friends after graduation

Kinda want to vent ab my uni friends

About a year ago, I finally agreed to go to my faculty's halloween party with my friends. This party is fucking big, like it's known in my city by every university student, tickets are super hard to get by, it's in a huge club and everybody dresses up.

Historically, ive hated parties. On one hand bc my alcoholic parents didnt give me the best experiences to handle drunk ppl, and on the other hand bc i had a lot of bad memories of when i used to black out when i was younger. But, this time, it was my last semester. I had only gone to this party on my first semester and ive become sober since, so i thought itd be a nice symbolic gesture to go, plus my friends really seemed to want me to.

Anyways, it's the party and im having a painfully normal time. I dont love dancing but i do like to talk to a lot of ppl, and i know a lot of ppl here. So i say hi to everyone i see and at one point i mix my main friend group and another couple of friends i know. I have to go to the bathroom, so i tell both groups and leave for a moment. When i come back, oh surpirse, literally not a soul on the dancefloor, not even a stranger.

Ofc, i start to panic. I don't remember if id ever told my friends, but another reason why i hate clubbing is bc, when i used to blackout, i usually did it with strangers. Strangers who obviously didnt care ab me, and basically left me to die everytime i got too drunk. This was kind of a trigger for me.

My phone was at 3%, and i've been left to die. Again. This time by my closest friends.

So i use my phone frantically to ask through the groupchat where everyone left to. Fortunately, it's inside the club. But, again, this club is huge.

They dont respond until after 15 minutes. They tell me where they are. I run. Theyre not there.

This goes on for literally an hour and a half. I couldnt go back home bc i didnt have my phone to ask for a taxi, and my friends didnt go looking after me even tho i was the only one who wasnt with the group.

By chance i find them and i start angry crying and scolding my friends as to why they left me alone. I told them that they knew how parties made me feel and they still cared more about themselves than me. One of them said "Sorry for leaving you, we just thought youd be perfectly fine on your own".

Now that i've been graduated from uni for ab six months, ive been feeling extra lonely bc im having a harder time socializing.

It's true what they say: once we´re all "adults", suddenly no one has time to hang out. It's not like we all have jobs, the majority including me's all unemployed and looking.

But i still see them posting pictures with eachother. They invite all eachother but me. They all support eachother in their crises but me.

Okay, about hanging out, maybe i havent been the most present friend. Im that type of person who loves you deeply regardless of how much we text or hang. But about treating eachothers crises, im always physically there. I send a little message, or i try to pay a visit.

This is not a victim competition, but some of my friends literally just break down for anything. And we're all still there reassuring them that we'll carry them.

For me, it's not the same. It seems like they feel the same way about leaving me alone at the club as they do for everything regarding me.

Even though I spent two months in bed and tried telling the people around me that i was going through a tough time and needed some support, no one came to ask me how i was doing. Like, why even try to bother when i got it perfectly all on my own.

I cant do it on my own. I need people. What do i have to do to be more lovable? What does their connection have that i cant fulfill?