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tiaragqueen · 4 years

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Waaa you're back! *Hearteuuu* I mean back, as in accepting asks ANYWAY. May I have a yandere Sebastian Michaelis where he's jealous and s/o is his wife? Thank you! xxx

Surfeit

✂ Pairing: Yandere! Sebastian Michaelis x Reader

✂ Word Count: 1,1k+

✂ Trigger Warnings: Possessiveness, manipulation

[Edited]

***

Yes, I’m happy to be back too! Thank you for this wholesome request, dear. Sending you lots of love~! ^^

If you like my writing, please support me on ko-fi!

“I want you all to myself, don't want to share you with nobody else. You must forgive me for the way I act sometimes, 'cause I'm the jealous kind.’ - The Jealous Kind [Joe Cocker]

Sebastian never truly despised dogs, per se. Though, if he had to choose between cats and dogs, he’d definitely pick the former. There was something utterly irresistible about their cute sounds, aloof faces, and flippant attitudes. They were the only creature that could melt his stone-cold heart and softened his suave yet sadistic demeanor until you came and ultimately replaced their number one spot.

Now, although Sebastian was neutral with dogs, he preferred to avoid them at all costs. He didn’t want them to leap on him and stain his impeccable suit with their icky saliva. That was probably the thing that accentuated the differences between you and him since you were always happy to see one.

And with the existence of Pluto in the manor, it was almost inevitable for you to spend more time with that pest.

Sebastian wasn’t petty. He knew his strength, charm, and exact status in your life. And if those weren’t enough, then the ring on your finger should be undeniable proof. It served as a device to deter potential suitors – or anyone that showed the slightest interest in you, really – although you could count on one hand the number of times he’d let you leave the manor after your marriage.

You couldn’t blame him for being possessive, though. He was a demon, after all. But Pluto wasn’t exactly a human, and thus, he didn’t know what was right and what was wrong. Sebastian knew, and that’s why he spurned what should be an endearing scene between you and the demon hound.

“[Name],” Sebastian suppressed another sigh when he caught you showering Pluto with streams of sickeningly sweet words. “Will you join me to bed? It is time for us to retire.”

“Oh! One second, hun,” you said distractedly as you kept scratching the dog’s – now human – chin.

“You’ve been playing with him since morning. Aren’t you tired of coddling that bloody hound?”

“Sebastian, don’t say mean things like that!” you chastised, covering Pluto's ears for extra measurements as though he understood what the other man was saying. “Pluto is a good boy, right? Who’s the good boy here, hm? Who’s the good boy?”

Pluto barked happily, and if Sebastian didn’t know any better, he would’ve thought the dog was rubbing it on his face. He wasn’t jealous of the unnecessary attention you gave him, nope. Not a chance in hell. Compared to him, Sebastian was fully aware of his special spot within your heart.

So, then, why did he feel so much anger towards that mutt? Why did looking at him made him want to wring his neck?

“[Name], if you won’t stop giving him attention, I’ll kill him.”

The threat succeeded in halting your movements, one hand hovered over the dog’s head. Meanwhile, the said canid whimpered under Sebastian’s vicious glower and trembled pathetically. You tittered, trying to diffuse the situation.

“Now, now, Sebastian. Don’t be so harsh on him. He’s just a harmless… dog, you know?”

The demon rose an incredulous brow. “You do realize that he’s a demon, right? Harmless isn’t a word in our dictionary.”

“Ah, well,” you smiled nervously, averting your gaze from his piercing one. “of course I know. It’s just that… Pluto has never tried to hurt me, you know? So there’s no need to act so outrageously.”

“You think I’m being outrageous?” he retorted. “I don’t know that wanting to have my wife spending her time with me is considered as one.”

Despite the poison that rolled smoothly from his tongue, your face displayed no fear and instead lit up as though you were overcome by an epiphany.

“Sebastian,” you mused, ignoring the way his eyes narrowed suspiciously at whatever you planned to say. From your visage alone, he knew that you were about to utter something preposterous. “are you… are you jealous?”

But that question wasn’t what he’d expected. No, it was more like, he refused to entertain such a possibility.

“Of course not.” His answer was immediate, and if you didn’t know him any better, you would’ve thought he was growling at you. “Don’t be ridiculous. Why would I be jealous over a lowly being like him?”

You chuckled, half-amused by his sulky tone, and half satisfied with your correct deduction. “There’s no need to be ashamed, Sebastian. I realize that I’ve spent too much time with him, and for that, I apologize.” Standing up from your crouching position, you slowly approached him and patted his shoulder. “But please refrain from killing him, alright? I need entertainment, too.”

“Why do you need him,” Sebastian wrapped an arm around your waist and brought you closer to him, one hand tilting your chin. Crimson eyes glowed hungrily in the dim hallway as he stroked your parted lips, desiring to claim them with his mouth. “when you already have me to entertain you? Am I not enough for you, darling?”

“Don’t be silly. Of course, you’re enough for me.” Caressing his sculpted cheek, your eyes softened while your lips stretched into a tender smile reserved only for him. “But I know that you hate to see me working needlessly, so I want to have a company until you return. And you know that I don’t like Pluto that way; not when I already have you.” Sadness weighed on your chest as you frowned and looked down almost shamefully, the hand slipped from his jaw. “I’m sorry for neglecting you, dear. It wasn’t my intention to do so.”

Sebastian watched your expression wilted in each passing second without a response. It was true, he abhorred seeing you wasting your stamina to work on something he could’ve easily and quickly do. And he hated it even more when he spotted you interacting with any of the servants, sometimes his master as well. However, he was far from unreasonable. He knew that you’d be bored waiting for him all day – books could only do so much in the confines of your room, after all – and you needed to talk to someone.

And you’d been such a wonderful wife, too. You needed to be rewarded occasionally, even if it irritated him to no end.

As long as you didn’t indulge that dog too much and for him to mind his position, Sebastian was willing to let things go your way for once.

“I forgive you.” The crow demon chuckled when you heaved a relieved sigh and kissed your forehead. “Just stop when I say so, alright? Otherwise, he won’t be able to accompany you anymore.”

You smiled and nodded enthusiastically, ignoring the overt threat at the end of his sentence. “Don’t worry, dear. You have my promise.”

#yandere scenario #yandere imagine #yandere anime #anime yandere #yandere anime au #anime yandere au #yandere oneshot #kuroshitsuji yandere #yandere kuroshitsuji #yandere black butler au #yandere black butler #black butler yandere #yandere sebastian x reader #yandere sebastian michaelis #Yandere Sebastian michaelis x reader #yandere request #request #Anon

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haikyall · 3 years

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A Splash Wouldn’t Hurt

Synopsis: A luxurious vacation, a vacation you know too well mainly cause it was only in your dreams. But Inarizaki Men's VBC decides to change that.

WC: 4078

Trigger Warning: none

Genre: Fluff

Parining: Inarizaki x Manager!Reader

It was homeroom period when you received a tap on your left shoulder as you were writing notes on what your team members— the Inarizaki Men’s Volleyball Club— should improve on. You look at the direction it came from, you realize there was a figure beside you that was eyeing your work. It was Osamu “Wow, you’re making notes on us? How cute of you,” Osamu says, peering over your notes.

“Yeah, I mean it’s the least I can do as your manager,” You sigh, looking at your notes which included a whole list of what certain members were good and what they should do to improve things they weren’t good at.

“You know, the semestral break is like a week away right?” The wing spiker starts as he sits at the table in front of you. He settles down his bag down and brings out a notebook related to the first period. You were well aware that the semestral break was a week from now. You have been planning to…… well, sleep the break away. You never had any plans to enjoy it, even if you were not part of the middle-class economy, you just felt lazy.

“Yeah, what about it?” You say paying attention to your teammate that was looking at you with an expectant gaze.

“Well, Atsumu and I are having a little yacht party.” Osamu starts. Wait a damn minute… a yACHT PARTY? A Y A C H T? Your eyes widen at what you were hearing, Osamu just smiles at your reaction, knowing well enough that even if you’ve known the twins your whole high school life, you still get overwhelmed at just how wealthy they were as star athletes.

“And the only ones invited are the whole team, without the coaches of course, and by the whole team, we included you on the list.” The second-year continues, okay, I mentioned your eyes widened, this time your eyes went out of your eye sockets. Osamu laughs, loving the reaction he’s getting. You couldn’t believe him. They don’t possibly want you to come, maybe they asked you out of pity and hoped to say no.

“But, I’m just your manager…?” You say, still confused at the offer. Osamu just smiles.

“We appreciate you more than you think.” You couldn’t believe what you were hearing, the boys looked at you not as a club mate or as a manager, they looked at you like you were their little sister. They genuinely want you to go. But you didn’t know what to bring or do on a yacht, mainly because you’ve never been to one or even seen one. Last time you “saw” a yacht was at your d r e a m s.

“We want you to come, it’s fine if you don't bring anything aside from things you’d bring to a beach like towels or sunscreen.” He trails off. He then looks at you dead straight at the eyes with a pleading look.

“Even I would be sad if you didn’t go.” You felt a little amount of heat creep up on your cheeks.

“…You guys… want me to go?” You hesitantly ask to which Osamu nods eagerly.

“Outings as a family won’t be the same without you,” The second-year says with a small smile on his face, still waiting for you to take the offer. You were still hesitant, how are you going to tell your parents about this? Fortunately, Osamu read exactly what’s on your mind and smirks.

“Kita-kun took care of your parents and they agreed” By this time your jaw fell to the floor and Osamu laughs again, thinking your reaction is cute. You fell silent, what else was stopping you from bonding with them?

“… You want me to bring some marinated lamb? Or steak?” You start, flipping through another page, making a list of what to bring, keeping in mind the favorite foods of each member. The wing spiker is shocked.

“Waaa, you know us that well huh?” You only smile as a reply. The school bell rings, signifying the start of class.

“Start with preparing your luggage for a 5-day trip. Kita-kun will send you the other details.” Was the last thing Osamu says before he turned in front, ready to greet the teacher, leaving you in bewilderment.

‘A little fun with water balloons won’t hurt as well right?’ You thought to yourself, not interested in the class. To others, it looked like you were taking down notes for the class. You scribble away more ideas to make the event more fun.

________ First Day 5:00 am

Your parents dropped you off the dock that you were supposed to meet the boys. You were immediately greeted with Kita, Oomimi, and Akiga. All three hugs you and says their greetings to your parents. Oomimi and Akiga took your belongings and took them to the yacht while Kita thanked your parents for letting you go and bringing you to the dock safe and promises that you will return in alive and in one piece.

“Ahh, our sister is here!” Atsumu greets you with a hug. Osamu takes some of the luggage that Akiga is carrying, seeing that he is struggling.

“You can receive serves and all but you can’t carry a bag?” Osamu disses the libero to which Akiga bites back with

“You’re lucky the volleyball is already inside the damn yacht”

Ojiro just smiles at you saying, “Would you like a roommate or you wanna have a room to yourself?”

“I’ll have a room to myself if that’s fine?” You ask shyly.

“Of course it’s fine you precious little thing!” Atsumu exclaims, ruffling your hair in the process.

“Just beware, we might knock on your door to annoy living hell out of you” The setter teases.

“Today we plan to be a chill day so after the twins do their tour, you do whatever you want and all that,” Kita says.

“Oh, and if you feel the boat speed up or slow down that’s mainly cause Suna-chan is manning the wheel” He continues. Wait a holy minute-

“Yes, Suna has a license and is trained by his father so we should be fine and yes, he knows how to stir the boat, darling” Osamu —who came back together with Akiga and Oomimi after putting your luggage on the boat— completes your thought.

“You’re so cute when you’re shocked like that” Ginjima gushes while the other boys just chuckle.

“Let’s board the boat, shall we?” Atsumu leads the group into the twins’ luxurious and— I kid you not— enormous yacht. You kinda ended up gawking at the boat since it is pretty huge and it’s your first time. Your gawking only ends because Akagi lends you a hand to get on the boat.

“You can stare when you get on it” Akiga teases you, making you turn to a little cherry as you say your apologies and step foot into the yacht, you just end up marveling it at its glory.

“Just like the ones in the movie right?” Atsumu teases. As the group fanboys on how cute you looked when you were processing that you were, in fact, in an actual yacht, you eye the outside portion of the yacht, a bar with stools where the boys were hanging out, some white sofas and grey bean bags with a center table, a grill and the main attraction, jet skis that were parked on the yacht.

“Are these actual…” You trail off, Osamu smiles at your speechless.

“Jet Skis? Why, yes they are. They are like my babies” Osamu answers.

“Hey ya trap, they’re my babies too!” Atsumu shouts from the bar.

“The twins have a rule that the room picking will happen a little later after the tour so that you can see which room you want.” Kosaku trails off. You nod as you understand the meaning of the rule.

“And it’s a fun game honestly. We also leave our bags at the dock until the tour is over, we won't be making any stops on the islands you will see, it kinda just sight-seeing” He continues and walks over to the twins to which you follow.

“Ya ready? Cause there’s a lot more to take in besides the jet skis” Atsumu teases and you just get a bit more flustered. Cue Kita hitting Atsumu on the nape and the team laughing at them.

“Cut the manager some slack, ‘Tsumu, not everyone’s as fortunate as the two of you” Kosaku states.

“Can we start the tour already? I’m dying to take a nap” Suna yawns and the twins start the tour ________ Time Skip: to 6:00 am

There were essentially 12 rooms all of which have a queen-sized bed and a washroom that has a bathtub and a separate shower hall. There was also another bar with a karaoke and billiard room with some game consoles like Xbox 360, PS4, etc. A gym, a kitchen and dining room, a sauna and jacuzzi a changing room, a viewing deck, and an inflatable slide at the roof of the yacht. The only staff there was were maids, 4 bartenders, a few bodyguards, and another guy that is licensed to stir the boat when Suna is busy.

You and the boys were hanging out at the lower deck which was where you were gawking the jet skis. They made you decide on the room you want. You chose the room nearest to the viewing deck since you like to take the view in from the night.

“Well, now our dear sibling over here has a room its a matter of competition for us” Atsumu states, and Osamu just sighs and looks at you with a tired expression.

“We’re gonna race two to see who gets the room they want, we let you get your room so that you can take down who gets which room.” Osamu gently explains. You nod and reach for the notebook inside your bag, it became a mannerism for you to bring your club notebook wherever you went with the boys… including this one.

The first pair were the twins, then Kita & Oomimi, Ojiro & Ginjima, Suna & Kosaku, and finally, Akiga & Riseki. Was it chaos? Of course, it was. The twins ended up getting the same room so you had to negotiate a war of rock, paper, and scissors and Atsumu being a baby per usual because his older twin got the room. Kita and Oomimi were by far the calmest since they chose different rooms. Ojiro and Ginjima took some time because they kept on going into the rooms that were taken by the other members and Ginjima getting disappointed the longer the search goes. Suna and Kosaku were kinda calm until they chose the same room as well but didn’t resort to the bickering the twins do. Akiga and Riseka also took some time since they were the last pair to choose a room.

After that, the twins acquainted the team with some rules to follow which were just 6:30 pm was the time of dinner and 12:30 was the time of lunch, and breakfast was optional. Because they are athletes it is a must that they attend the dinner and lunch. They also have to tell the group chat if they were unable to eat and it needs to be a legitimate reason. And there is a schedule for every room so that the maids don’t die of exhaustion. They also had a debate on having a bedtime and if midnight snacks were allowed. They ended up resorting to not having one and midnight snacks are available.

________ 8:00 am

After all, that chaos was settled with you decided to go to your room where you get to explore it in even more detail. But then the exhaustion of taming the boys took over you as your body uncontrollably falls to the white circular bed and you soon drift off to Dream Land.

_________ 10:00 am

Your eyes finally flutter open as you check to see what time it was with the watch on your arm. You quickly fix your hair, face, and the bed as you take in your new surroundings. You take notice of the wooden floor. The table had essential oils and a diffuser right next to it and bright lights around the mirror for makeup. The television was actually inside the wall and the washroom had a little window which can be covered with curtains and more bright lights for the mirrors, there were wall hooks for hangers or things needed to be hanged. One of which was a hanger for the bathrobe the yacht provided. It was a rather spacious room, so spacious that you’d think that you were in a hotel rather than a yacht.

“It’s big mainly because it’s considered the master’s bedroom” You look back to the door, which was where the voice came from. The voice came from Osamu who was leaning at the door frame. Behind him was the rest of the team with a small smile on their faces.

“We’re going to hang out by the lower deck, cause Idio- I mean, ‘Tsumu-kun challenged me to a Jet Ski race, wanna watch? Kita is gonna start grilling the steak you brought” Osamu continues. You nod and say you’ll just change clothes. You change into a white tube bikini which is covered by a white see-through tassel and head to the lower deck which is already starting to smell like grilled steak.

You see the boys quietly yet not so discreetly check you out which makes you bring a little bit of heat on your face. You take a seat at the white couch you take notice of their outfits. The twins, Ginjima, Riseki, and Oomimi were shirtless with some swim trunks. Kita was also shirtless but is wearing an apron cause he’s grilling some meat. Kosaku, Ojiro, Akagi, and Suna were wearing white tank tops with some swimming trunks.

You also observed that there was something similar to what the boys were wearing, sunglasses. Suna has his sunglasses tucked on the collar of his shirt, Ojiro has his tucked on the right pocket of his shorts. Kosaku’s and Osamu’s were resting on their head Akiga and Oomimi were wearing a chain where the glasses were hanging on. Ginjima, Riseki, and Atsumu were wearing their glasses. Kita’s were hanging at the loop of his apron at the back.

“Rules: No flipping of Jet Skis. Don’t hit each other or the yacht. No insane tricks that will get you injured and have fun. If one of the drivers falls off the Jet Ski, instant game over” Ojiro states and the twins listen to what he has to say.

“Five rounds around the yacht. First to park their Jet Ski and get off from it wins” Ojiro smiles with his eyes closed as the twins shake hands as a sign of camaraderie.

Ojiro opens his eyes with a serious face as he says the catch, “Winner gets to throw water balloons at the loser.” The boys show a look of shock and confusion cause as far as they know, they don’t have water balloons.

“What are ye talking about? We don’t have—” Atsumu starts but is caught off by Ginjima

“Y/N-chan brought some water balloons, would be a shame if we don’t use it… Right?” The wing spiker taunts the boys. They turn to you and all you can do is smile while having a chat with Oomimi and a sleepy Suna. All of a sudden the twins’ expressions turned from shocked to competitive, the face you’d see when they have an official match at volleyball.

“Oh you’re on,” Atsumu says to which his twin just shrugs

“Scared you’ll get wet?” Osamu says while arching his right eyebrow.

The startling roar of the Jet Skis causes you to jump a bit while the other boys remain unfazed, Ojiro, standing at the edge of the yacht, raises his arm “Ready,” The twins look at each other and turn back to the sea.

“Set,” By this time, the siblings are playing with the controls to make the Jet Skis roar louder but they’re still in the same displacement on the water.

“Go” Ojiro puts down his arm and the two twins are on their way. Suna— whose is essentially lying down on the bean bag beside you— pokes your left arm resting on the sofa’s armrest.

“10 water balloons, Osamu-chan wins” You smirk at the bid, why not eh? Nothing wrong with a little splash.

“Fine, 10 water balloons, Atsumu-chan wins” Suna smirks at your statement and looks at the sea.

“Stuff like this makes me sleepy” Suna yawns and it causes you to giggle.

“You’re always sleepy, Suna-chan”

“It makes me sleepy and at ease” Suna smiles, happy he’s made you laugh every once in a while.

Kosaku though it would be nice if the lower deck had some music so he played “Party Poison” by My Chemical Romance as he and Riseki start filling up the water balloons

________ 10:30 am

The twins are back but Atsumu won by a millisecond. You laugh out in rejoice as you saw your next victim of the water balloons. You were so overjoyed that the attention was on you. “Suna-chan and Y/N-chan over here decided to make a bet on who wins. Our sibling won cause they placed their bet on Atsumu-chan” Riseki explains to the twins.

“Don’t place such a huge bet on me Suna-chan” Osamu sighs in defeat while Atsumu was busy making fun of his older twin that lost.

The two stand on the metal part of the lower deck and were the jet skis were parked. Riseki starts to throw one water balloons and others follow pursuit. Well, let’s just say you may or may not didn’t count how many water balloons you guys were throwing at the pair. And Ginjima may or may not have filmed the whole event happening including the start of the race.

_________ 11:00 am

After assisting the two boys on what they need to change clothes. You hang out in the entertainment room where everyone was playing a match of Mario Kart while waiting for Kita finish making lunch. You wasted no time into putting this on camera since this was pure gold.

“No! That’s cheating you- AAAAAAAAA”

“SHUT UP YOU SQUEALING PIG”

“YES! I GOT I- OJIRO-KUN”

“AHAHAHHAHAHAH DIE YOU SORRY EXCUSES OF LOSERS”

_________ 12:30 pm

Lunch was served, it was steak with mashed potatoes and mango panna cotta for dessert. Although we ate in peace, there was still tension as to playing that last Mario Kart match. Kita, oblivious to the chaos a while ago, has zero idea to what even happened but feels a strong tension.

“Alright, what’s bothering you kids?”

“I swore you cheated on that last match” Riseki looks dead straight at Akagi who was happily enjoying his medium-rare steak. Cue Kita rubbing his forehead and being the epitome of ‘Ah shit, here we go again’

“I will not deny or accept that” You were informed by their coach about the rowdiness and loudness this group has but these boys always seem to have something to bicker about.

“I DONATED YOU A DAMN LIFE PACK IN LEFT FOR DEAD 2 AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?”

“We live in a capitalist world, my dear child,” Akagi smirks, knowing it’s gonna fume his kohai to the roof. ________ 1:30 pm

Yes, it took you an hour to calm down the two well, mostly Riseki who felt offended by the actions of his senpai. After so, you decided to have time for yourself at the sauna. You grab your wardrobe and your new clothes which were plain red sweatshirt and some cycling shorts and walk towards the said room. You go to the changing rooms which had a little locker aisle so that you can put your things in.

You take off the tassel that you were wearing and toss on the bathrobe. It was a little big for you but it will do. You head to the sauna in which you spent your time enjoying. It was a place that showed the scenery outside and therefore you get to marvel at the beauty of the islands at the same time it was playing calm piano music.

You took this time to look at the videos Ginjima sent you and your compilation of videos and photos to decide what to post exactly.

You ended up posting that stolen solo picks of the boys while they were busy doing things. Yes, you have a stolen photo of Suna that is a w a k e. You also post a picture of yourself with your back facing the camera and your arms spread out. The last photo you posted was a group photo with you and the boys taken in the dining room before the incident happened.

The boys, on the other hand, were putting the appreciation gifts they had brought for you to your room. Arranging it in the most aesthetic way they could on your bed. They tried not to make any noise as you can hear their footsteps due to the wooden floor. They quickly made their way to the viewing deck to inflate the slide to make an alibi to be there.

________ 4:30 pm

You head to the viewing deck wearing you a sweatshirt and cycling shorts only to know that the boys were sliding down the inflatable slide. Oomimi sees you and carries you bridal style to be next in line. You panic as to knowing your outfit.

“You guys, I’m not really—,” you start as Oomimi sets you down on the slide. Atsumu laughs at your response.

“Well, sorry, love~” was all the setter said till his members pushed you off the slide. It felt like going down from the highest point of the ride of the rollercoaster. You screamed your whole lungs out and you swore you died till you felt nothing beneath you. You were flying in the air for what seemed like a century till you were engulfed with water. Its comfort in surrounding you made you feel safe but you had to go to the surface. When you did you were smiling but then at the same time you felt as if you were betrayed by your siblings over there on the yacht as they were laughing their asses off. Suna who was stirring at that time, was also chuckling to himself after hearing your screams of death seconds ago.

The ones in the water, Kita and Ginjima helped you go to the yacht as they knew you were gonna murder the boys. The moment you climbed back on the boat. The maids handed you a towel to which you used to whip at the boys for revenge making them die of even more laughter from you.

________ 6:30 pm

You were still damp and a towel was hanging on both of your shoulders when your dinner is served and it was grilled lamb with some fried rice and crème brûlée as dessert. This was the time the boys noticed that you posted something on social media and gave out their comments of appreciation especially to your photo. They took into detail their photos and realized that they were stolen. This was the perfect opportunity for you to post the uhhh… not so good looking photos of them. But you were worried about the number of unpleasing photos they had of you so you decided to go against the idea. And luckily there was no world war happening since you already forgave them for their little stunt a while ago and they did have fun.

_________ 7:45 pm

You head back to your room to wash and get changed for the karaoke night the boys proposed. You open the door to see the wide arrange of gifts the boys had prepared just for you. You start to tear up from the effort the boys pulled just to show you their gratitude towards you. You took a picture and sent it to both the group chat and social media as a thank you post. A mess of a team they were, they were your mess and you loved every moment you had with them.

#inarizaki #inarizaki x reader #beach #atsumu miya #miya atsumu #osamu #atsumu #osamu miya #miya twins #kita shinsuke #aran ojiro #suna rintarou #suna rintaro #oomimi ren

25 notes · View notes

cornflowercanine · 3 years

Text

my opinion on all main homestuck characters now that ive actually reread it cw for 8rief discussion of a8leism for tavros', terezi's, mituna's, and wv's parts, racism for damara and m33nah's parts, and cw for a8usive rel8ionships for gamz33's part. also i dont like/care a8t a lot of hs chars so if you a8solutely cannot handle s33ing any dislike towards chars you kin/like/are ur comfort chars read smth else

june; the things she Does Can 8e interesting 8ut she in herself is not a character i (keyword i) find interesting like at fucking all. if she wasnt the main char id forget a8t her daily jade; waaa waaaaaa. she is so sw33t and dear 8ut holy fuck i have no idea whats wrong with her. i do still H8 the specific fanon of her that jade harley just H8s Her Friends Oh So Much and she is in Constant Immeasura8le Misery Always No Matter What and is just Really Good At Masking It and [insert pages more of collective projecting] 8ut honestly whatever the fuck is 8ehind 'dead grandpa tulpa that was 'way nicer when he was alive'' is anyones guess dave; neat. fun to read when he isnt at mercy of hussie 8eing a shitty person (making gross jokes). way more fun than fanon makes him out to 8e yes ofc hes traumatized 8ut are you just like, una8le to write funny characters? rose; ultim8ly i think she is Interesting, ALSO way more interesting than fanon has EVER made her out to 8e, i like her perspective on things (even if they are sometimes really defeatist(?) its certainly not SHALLOW or a COMMON frame of reference ppl usually use when writing a female char that goes off a8t stuff she knows, shes not stupid, and its interesting to s33) and i also lovelove when shes snappy and cracks jokes ('ive spent too much time around dave i also think ive spent too much time sharing his genes') and she is just a really really fascin8ing? character!! 8ut i. im not proud of it. 8ut i did admittedly skip some of her lines 8ecause she is very very wordy and this reread was meant to 8e leisurely pass through the 8its i like. so sorry maam.

karkat; imagine 8eing the most 8oring char ever. ive said it 8efore ill say it again i think the reason karkat is/was so popular is 8ecause he is so fucking intensely a tw33n/early t33n that is just learning to 8e a person and think for himself etc and one of the tr8s he has decided to take up is saying 'fuck' a lot. like, a lot. which is a thing other 12-14 year olds do and enjoy doing regularly. or well its not that i think he is o8jectively 8oring its just that i myself am so espescially unimpressed 8y Him and 8y extent everything he does and says fucking drags to me and the only time i have f33lings regarding him is when he has interesting commentary on chars i DO like or when he makes the rare actually funny joke. aradia; maam you are so fucking cool. i admittedly can forget her a little as does the rest of the fandom 8ut i DO find it strange the extent to which the fandom neglects her when every single fucking thing she did and does is cool as all hell. i LOVE her and i think the only reason megalovania is handed over to vriska is cause shes a light player, not cause she earned it tavros; oh my god i knew your character 8efore this was a8leism 8ut i didnt know just how 8ad it was. literally the only argua8le character he has outside of hussie 8eing grossly unwaveringly unendingly a8leist is him making the friend army at Literally The Very End Of The Story (which u could go 'oh its cause hes a page' yes 8ut hussie did NOT have to make EVERYTHING prior to that pure undiluted a8leism) and its just so... sad and disappointing and frustr8ing. i have s33n one or two tavros fans whos interpret8ion of him is NOT how hussie wrote him (o8vs), or 'aww purest 8a88y 8oy i just wanna hold him in my arms and kiss him on the head and-' OR 'ACTUALLY tavros is super fucking mean and cruel so he a8used vriska actually and-', and i leave this char to those fans. tl dr is that i WANT to like him 8ut hussie h8s him so much it just makes me sad sollux; i only like him for his rel8ionships to others, i like when he's friends (derogatory) with karkat cause i rel8 and think it's funny, and all arasol interactions hurt me d33ply, 8ut sollux, on his own, just for what he himself solely says? dont care, if he wasnt having an interesting interaction with another id eyeroll and skip whatever he was saying, pro8a8ly influenced 8y the fact i a8solutely cannot STAND people who wrap every single convo and interaction they have 8ack around to how much they h8 themselves/'h8 everyone'/that 'everythings gonna end up terri8le anyway' in real life, which i find kinda interesting nepeta; wwwaaa waaaaa. once again unsurprisingly her personality and interactions with others etc has way more going on than fanon makes her out to 8e ('shes really cute! end sentence.') even when she IS 8eing cute like in her rps with terezi or uhhh. her interactions with equius 8efore they die, its not like, just her going 't33h33 nya nya im so cutesy and stupid and childlike arent i' her f33lings towards and how she makes sense of her friends and ppl around her isnt stupid or wrong or whatever she ..... TL DR FANON 8LOWS ASS NEPETA IS A GOOD CHAR yes she also kills things 8ut if youre gonna make nepeta content reread at least a Smidgen of her canon stuff instead of leaping str8 to 'cute idiot/powerful preymurderer' kanaya; SMORCH. I REALLY REALLY LIKE THIS CHARACTER. LIKE ROSE I ALSO DID ADMITTEDLY SKIP SOME OF HER LINES 8UT IM NOT PROUD OF IT. cant really word Why i like her i just do. also re: her chalking every confusing/hard to grasp interaction up to 'human sarcasm', karkat and vriska (off the top of my head, mightve 833n more) Repeatedly say stupid shit and then when one replies with Some level of sincerity the other goes 'IT WAS SARCASM SHIT8RAIN' so i dont think sarcasm is smth that only humans invented or did i think kanaya is autistic which makes my heart 8ig thank you for everything kanaya maryam terezi; i think ive already stressed just how much i like her in a previous post 8ut hooooooly fuck is this character a8solutely fucking outstanding, i wouldnt say

'ground8reaking' 8c ppl STILL find or found a way to dilute her down to make her more pal8a8le or graspa8le, 8ut honestly i dont really think thats her fault i think that ppl interpreting Literally Terezi Fucking Pyrope as 'oh she just does everything she does out of 8eing horny for men lol!!111!!1' is the fault of misogynists lol. one of the chars that while i do wish hussie had Guidance/advice on writing (ex. 'this char is 8lind 8UT W8 they have a SUPER COOL ADVANCED OTHER SENSE/A8ILITY that Makes Up For It1!1!!!11' trope is a 8ad One), 8ut holy shit i wouldnt have had her any other way aside from that. how the fuck did hussie manage to pull her off. holy shit. vriska; i think ive talked a8out vriska serket more than is reasona8le or healthy in the history of my 8log so to sum it up as 8est i can; i think she's a 8ad, extremely sad to s33 Person, 8ut an outstanding ground8reaking character. almost all of my negative f33lings towards the retcon 8oil down to how much i h8 how vriska was handled post-retcon. 8ut everything 8efore that, she is one hell of a character. i never wanna say she's my Favor8 cause i Do Not like her as a Person 8ut i dont know how else i would explain or summarize it so equius; LOL!!!!!!! i am actually more disappointed in his existing since my reread 8c holy cow his interactions with aradia n33d like, a cw theyre so 8ad, and his Insistence over nepeta is kinda hard to read, 8ut also fucking wowie kazowie you sure are a joke character arentcha??? so fucking easy to make fun of and ill do it for forever gamz33; i literally dont care what he used to 8e like i h8 him so fucking much and almost all his fans are so fucking unnerving i just dont fucking care. if i didnt h8 him 8efore s33ing terezi go "WHY WONT YOU FIGHT 8ACK?!" when she's fighting him around s game over and her repeatedly apologizing when he goes 'youre hurting me' when aranea cant mind control him anymore IMMEDI8LY FOLLOWED 8Y HIM UNRELENTINGLY 8EATING THE SHIT OUT OF HER AND ALMOST KILLING HER MORE THAN ONCE IS SO. INHALES THROUGH NOSE AUDI8LY. oh also him smooching tavros' disem8odied head was weird as fuck eridan; also a joke char in my 8rain. i do not respect this character i do not respect fans of this character i do not respect anything a8out this character i do not respect pesterquest writers going 'hmmm lets make the char noted and characterized to 8e a cr33py forceful incel And Also Had March Eridan Happen transfem 8c thats good right' i could go on a8out how much i h8 eridan stans' arguments for his Anything 8ut TL DR I DO NOT LIKE CARE A8T OR RESPECT ERIDAN AMPORA feferi; god i wish she had more to her than she does. or well, she does have a lot to her kkkkkkinda in the way that rose and kanaya and nepeta do (where they have a lot going on and adding to their character, 8ut fans just Forget it???), 8ut i think it's that everything a8t her was so short-lived it made her espescially..... non-poignant. at least to fans. she's naive as 8alls 8ut i kinda love it (her going 'aww i put in a good word with the horrorterrors now everyone gets to 8e ghosts in dream 8u88les instead of permanant total demise :D [doesnt know how much 8eing a ghost or dream 8u88les kinda fucking suck]') and she used to 8e a comfort char for me 8ut just... wistful sigh. i think a8t her sometimes. i also think it's weird when ppl get really mad that she's said the r slur and then their fave char is Karkat Fucking Vantas like.

ADMITTEDLY THOUGH NOT AS REGRETFULLY I WILL SAY I SKIPPED ALMOST EVERY SINGLE LINE AND PART FROM AND A8OUT THE ALPHA KIDS IM SORRY I MIGHT GO 8ACK AND REREAD ONLY THOSE IN THE FUTURE 8UT GOD THEY ARE ALL SO. NOT 8ORING. 8UT STRAINING AND REPETITIVE AND REWARDLESS TO READ AND GET THROUGH. ROXY IS COOL 8UT THAT'S NOT REALLY UP FOR DE88 IF YOU DO NOT LIKE ROXY LALONDE WTF ARE YOU DOING

damara; MAKES ME REALLY SAD this is another char that, like tavros, i wish was written 8y literally any8ody other than hussie. her 8eing 'horny japanese schoolgirl' makes me want to scream and even aside from that (re; her rel8ionship issues, her destroying the session, etc) makes me really fucking sad. i want to 8e her moirail sm and i h8 hussie rufioh; I......I REALLY DO NOT KNOW HOW TO F33L A8T THIS CHAR HONESTLY??? in 2018 i proudly remem8ered him as The Most Forgetta8le Char In Hs, after that up until this reread i just h8ed him, 8UT NOW I... DONT... KNOW????? his convo where he attempts to 8reak up with horuss makes me f33l weird, his 'says '8a8ydoll'' demeanor makes me f33l weird, his 8eing heavily 8ased on a real ass person (well, rufio the char, 8ut hussie put more emphasis on Rufio As Played 8y Dante 8asco imo) alongside the fact dante 8asco has actually read and s33n the 'hussies self insert kisses the Rufio As Played 8y Dante 8asco' part of hs MAKES ME F33L SUPER FUCKING WEIRD, i just dont know how to f33l a8out him at all. 8ut the fact he's always had wings is pretty cool! cause i like wings mituna; in the same catagory as tavros, not to the same Extent id say (whether or not thats due to mituna having way less scr33ntime/shown interactions than tavros idk), 8ut the 'personality is a8leism, is awkward To women which is prolly also part of 'hussie thinks disa8led ppl are gross and 8ad', fans either interpret him as 'aww poor 8a88y' or 'ew weak loser' which are 8oth also really 8ad' is still There. kankri; lol. the only thing to say a8t him other than 'lol' is that i skipped every single thing he read 8ut the only thing my eyes unfortun8ly glanced over was him saying 'also try not to flaunt the usage of your legs' toooooo, i Think m33nah in reference to tavros? which is so. every time you think hussie is unfunny and exhausting they manage to get even unfunnier and more exhausting. meulin; WWWAAAA WAAAAAAAAAAA im a kinnie i dont have anything un8iased to say 8ut i love her and wanna wipe kurloz off the plane of existence (or well, not literally, cause even if it is a terri8le place he does still serve a place in the story and add depth to it, its just 'kurloz my head f33ls foggy what happened' ':o)' 'hehe ur right its pro8a8ly nothing!!!' hurts me to read) porrim; REALLY REALLY GOOD CROWD CH33RING I LOVE HER SM i'd assume for a set of chars intended to 8e stereotypes and one of them's themes (idk how to word it :( ) is feminism and Hussie Wrote It that she'd 8e kankri-level 'mocking oppressed ppl not wanting to 8e oppressed' 8ut no from what i read (i dont think i read all her lines cause that flash is particularly confusing to finish As A Game) she's really good and i love her sm. her rel8ionship with kanaya is really sw33t too and i love her 'i h8ed everything to do with this thing meant to k33p me in line 8ut as i got older i started to realize that some things rel8ed to it werent Just For k33ping me in line and genuinely had purpose outside of it' 8UT THAT THAT DIDNT END AS 'and thats why im 8orn to make 8a8ies for the rest of my life haha love and light women are weak and stupid :)' IT ENDED UP AS '8ut even still i dont really Want To and thats not really what im drawn to, or even if i could i cant really, do this thing so im asking my little sister who actually does want to and care a8t this thing to pick up where i left off and to do what i couldnt/cant/just dont have to 8c i dont want to, 8ut that she should still question stuff a8t and rel8ing to it so that even if she really honest to god does she understands it more and theres more 8ehind her motiv8ion for it' ITS JUST SO. SORRY THIS 8IT IS SO LONG IM JUST REALLY GLAD SHE HAS THE DEPTH SHE DOES AND ALSO I THINK SHES HOT XOXO LOVE AND LIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! also her actually trustworthy (in contrast to kankri) commentary on 8eforan society adds story that desper8ly n33ded to 8e there and i thank her for that OK IM DONE NOW latula; also hot. weirdly enough initially i H8ED her just cause her theme jumpscared me XD???? 8ut god i love her. i also

love her mentioning that she has to take meds shes just.... siiiigh. thank you women. aranea; ok i dont like H8 h8 her 8ut also i cant think of any wording to encapsul8 just how much i h8 her??? really im a (vris)kinnie i think you can get why i dont like her (in that i think shes (weirdly enough for a 8illions of ghostsw33ps old person) immature and doesnt think shit through and is a tryhard and mnghgmnhghgf) 8UT GOD I DONT LIKE HER AND I ALSO SKIPPED LOTS OF SHIT SHES SAID WITH NO REGRET WHATSOEVER XOXO 8ut i think her talksprite is pretty!! and her final death scene is cool as shit. s33 you in hell you stupid fruit horuss; um. ಠ_ಠ and also i dont think his kin/dildo/8eing o8livious jokes are that funny kurloz; if you think you h8 kurloz makara more than me you're fucking wrong cronus; weirdly enough i kinda didnt realize just how much he sucked during my first read? i read 'no8ody realizes just how sensitive i am' and me gulli8le as 8ricks was like hm? and then he was like 'i h8 women' and i was liek LOL [close convo] 8ut now that ive reread WOW this guy really does fucking SUCK huh. like hes 8AD 8ad hes a SHITTY shitty person like for real holy fuck m33nah; YET ANOTHER CHAR I WISH WAS WRITTEN 8Y LITERALLY ANYONE OTHER THAN (or well, 8etter than) ANDREW MIDDLENAME HUSSIE! 8oth on the 8eing racist and on the 'everything else she does' front she makes me sad in a 'god i wish you were 8etter' way. actually a lot like damara now that i think a8t it its just my 'even aside from that this char makes me sad' f33lings for damara are cause im a meulkinnie and for m33nah its cause im a (vris)kinnie

I SKIPPED THE INTERMISSION AND DIDNT READ A LOT OF CARAPACIAN DIALOGUE IN GENERAL 8ut i love the qu33ns, I LOVE PM SM I THINK SHES HOT ALSO, i think sn0wman is o8noxiously hot and i love her, and; wv; a really good character imo, it's odd to me that hs took the fan interpret8ion (8UT ALSO IM NOT SURE IF THIS WAS THE INTERPRET8ION OF HIM AT THE TIME CAUSE I WAS NOT THERE IM JUST GUESSING) of him 8eing 'awww cute sw33t dear mayor' when he. ['you dont like to look at the 8arcode on ur wrist it gives you 8ad memories', he is old as fuck, and also did a LOT past just Stand There and Look Cute'], which if it's just cause he's short i find really funny, 8ut if it's cause he's nonver8al i find... less funny. i mean he Is kinda cute in general 8ut thats just cause carapacians at large are cute little dudes wv is not an exception 8ut also you think he got the uramium pulled out of his gut 8arehanded for this?????

i dont really care a8t the ancestors cause most of them are from a storytelling perspective with not much depth so im just like 'haha whoa adult troll cool' and thats it, idc a8t the human guardians 8ut i h8 8ro strider cause im normal, 8ye

#clove rambles #I N33D TO DO STUFF 8YE

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oaken-evenshade · 3 years

Photo

Carriage Ride

He stepped distractedly into the path of a rushing carriage driven by the reins of a lazy eyed dredger.

Dredger: “WAAA-”

Oaken: “OHHH-”

Throwing himself out of harm’s way, Oaken grabbed his lurching stomach and began reciting extinct flora in alphabetical order.

“Dredger, stop the carriage!”

A bald Venthyr’s head poked from the halted carriage’s window and took in the sight of a hyperventilating Kaldorei.

“Mine eyes don’t deceive me.” In seconds he was out the door waddling about excitedly. “A living soul from Azeroth! Come, come inside my carriage and share news of my homeworld!”

In a daze, Oaken watched the heavy set Venthyr take him by the elbow. The carriage rocked as he was pushed inside.

“I will say this, you should look both ways before stepping into the road. Always carriages running to and fro to the next big party ha ha! Where is it you need to go?”

“Umm...Oribos.”

“So be it.” The Venthyr rapped his knuckles against the front window. “Dredger, Pridefall Hamlet.”

As the carriage lurched into motion, Oaken watched the dark and dreary scenery of Revendreth pass by. Feeling eyes on him, he glanced over to see the pudgy Venthyr watching expectedly.

“Well? How is Azeroth? What is happening?”

“I am sorry...I do not have it in me to tell tales at this moment.”

Oaken watched the Venthyr’s delighted expression melt into dangerous folds of someone who wasn’t used to being told “no”. Those folds were quickly replaced with a wide false smile.

“That is...rude. I find myself...disappointed.” A long finger tapped irritatingly against the window pane.

Feeling too numb to recognize the rising tension, Oaken looked out the window and whispered, “me too”.

The Venthyr had spent eons with broken souls. The defeat he heard in the Kaldorei’s voice was a song often sung in Revendreth. A song that often came with profit in one form or another. This broken soul happened to still own a body. That made him a harbor of tangible profits.

“Oh. Oh you poor soul.” He lowered his voice into that of imitated empathy. “You have seen something hard. Tell me. Tell me everything. I can help you.”

Half an Hour Later

The carriage pulled into Pridefall Hamlet.

“What you are asking of me will cost you greatly. I’m sure you understand.” The Venthyr smiled pleasantly.

Oaken rummaged through his satchel. The Venthyr shook his head at every item the Kaldorei pulled out. Finally, he lifted a finger.

“That bag seems to be able to hold more than it should. It is enchanted, yes? I will take that.”

Oaken ran a finger over the stitches. “My satchel is...of great worth to me. Is there nothing else?”

The Venthyr wore a sad mask and shook his head.

“If I give you this satchel...how can I trust that you will hold up your end of the deal?” Oaken asked with a heavy voice.

“Hmm, interesting. I don’t know. How can you?”

Oaken remained in his seat as the door opened and the dredger waited.

“There are merchants within the group. They are looking to open trade routes within the Shadowlands. They could help you obtain certain items only found in Azeroth.”

“I will hold up my end of the deal Oaken Evenshade.”

Shrugging out of his satchel, Oaken passed it over with a forlorn gaze. As he stepped out of the carriage, he glanced over his shoulder. “One more thing, when they find Jerimoth’s soul...if you could-”

“Ah. I know what you would ask. No no no. That is not in my jurisdiction.” The Venthyr leaned back into the shadows of the carriage. “You did the right thing. The Shadowlands is no place for a soul with a mortal.”

The door shut. The Venthyr’s voice called from within, “Dredger, to the Ember Ward!”

#Oaken Evenshade #Shadowlands #Revendreth #Venthyr

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wizardess-legends · 4 years

Text

Comfort

Pairing: Genova x Yukiya

Summary: The weekend was finally here as what better way to be productive than spending it outdoors. Though what happens when trying to befriend a certain gray wolf goes wrong.

It was the weekend as I was out by the lake so I could enjoy the beautiful day while doing my homework while Bane laid down beside me. Writing in my notebook I’d look over at my text book now and again to look for the answers. “Please tell me you don’t plan on just sitting here all day,” I heard Bane say as I could only giggle while looking down and finishing writing another answer. “You’re more than welcome to go walk around if you’re bored,” I replied, not looking up from the page. “....No, I’m comfortable,” he grumpily answered, knowing that even though he sounded that way, he really wasn’t. Turning the page so I could write on the back I slightly jumped when Bane suddenly took my notebook away. “H-Hey! Bane give me my notebook back please,” I told him as he walked a few feet away and dropped the notebook out of his mouth letting it fall on the grass.

“You’ll end up giving yourself a paper cut if you mindlessly space out while doing your work,” he lectured me while I puffed my cheeks out at him, but I couldn’t help it but smile; he really is always looking out for me. “Haha I guess you’re not wrong. Thanks Bane,” I said giving him a soft smile, watching him walk over to me and proceeded to sit on my legs in a poised manner as he looked at me with his red eyes. Blinking a little I giggled, he can act like such a puppy sometimes even when he’s acting mean. Running my hands through his charcoal black fur I proceeded to scratch under his jaw and lightly rub my nose against his. “You’re such a good boy,” I said, I really was lucky to have met him years ago. “Hm whatever you say,” he said sounding unhappy as usual though I could clearly see how his tail was wagging softly.

It was when Bane started sniffing the air and starting to growl I could only assume it was because he smelled his brother close by. “That good for nothing mutt is around here,” Bane growled out in disgust. Softly frowning it was kind of sad to see that he wasn’t happy to be able to see his brother again; even if neither of them got along I still wished that Bane would tell me why he hated his brother. Getting off from my lap Bane started to walk away heading towards the forest. Seeing Yukiya and Seth coming over to this way I glanced back over to where Bane was before asked, “Aren’t you going to stay and at least say hello?” “No, I have no need to speak or greet anyone. I shall be back later; do see to it that you stay out of trouble,” I heard him say before he went off on his own.

“Hello and good afternoon Genova,” I heard Yukiya’s voice as I looked over to smile and wave to my friend. “Hello and good afternoon to you too Yukiya! Hello Seth I hope you’ve been well,” I greeted Yukiya before looking over to Seth to greet him as well; however the gray wolf just seemed to roll his eyes and look away from me. Letting out a small sigh I tried to not take it personally, those two really are alike in a lot of ways. “Mind if I sit with you,” He asked, quickly I nodded in a yes manner. “Of course, you’re always more than welcome to sit with me,” I said cheerfully. I really enjoyed his company a lot of the time, he may not talk a lot of the time but I still have fun hanging out with him. Not only that he’s just so sweet, how could I not catch some feelings for him. We talked about our days so far and even discussed some of the assignments we had to do.

I watched when Seth started to get up from laying around, he must be planning to go off on his own too. It seemed like Yukiya wasn’t going to really question him but he did bid his familiar farewell. Softly biting my bottom lip, even though I wouldn’t be able to understand Seth I still wanted to talk to him. “Hey Seth… I know you don’t exactly like me, and that you’re not on talking terms with Bane… But I’d really like it if we could become friends at some point,” I said while watching him walking by in his calm and cold manner.

~~~ Yukiya’s POV ~~~

I looked over at Genova with soft eyes as she’s been determined to try and get closer with Seth despite his rudeness. The sound of him growling gave me a very unsettling feeling. Seth came to a stop as before I knew it in a blink of an eye he was right in front of her, biting down on her wrist as blood was spilling from the bite wounds. “Seth stop,” I shouted angrily in a panic. Hearing her yelp made me feel so bad as my eyes widened at the site of her completely turning to ash in front of me. “G-Genova,” I called out her name slowly, feeling as if my heart just stopped; I was used to seeing her in her child form, but never have I witnessed this part. “Stupid sheep, maybe next time she’ll know to leave me alone,” I heard Seth scoff as I looked at him with a narrow look. “That was uncalled for! She did nothing wrong, she’s been nothing but nice to you,” I sternly lectured him. Soon enough I saw Genova again as she looked like she was five and her muted purple hair wasn’t in its low ponytail any more and had the familiar silk white dress.

“I-i’m sorry,” I heard her slightly more squeaky voice say followed by a couple of sniffles. “I-I didn’t mean to-to upset you Seth,” she apologized while big tears started to roll down her cheeks. Getting up from my seat I quickly went to Genova as I saw that look in his eyes again and I scooped her up into my arms and held her so Seth couldn’t try to hurt her again. “This isn’t worth my time,” I heard him say before walking off to go who knows where. Quick to snap out of my thoughts I look at her, moving my free hand to clear the continuous tears that fell. “Hey please don’t cry Nova, you did nothing wrong,” I spoke softly and sweetly when she looked up at me with her round light coral colored eyes. “B-But-” she was stuttering until I cut her off before she could blame herself for what happened. “It’s not your fault. How are you feeling, are you in any pain,” I asked but when looking at the spot Seth bit her, there were no traces of her having been injured though it didn’t help the aching pain in my chest.

Getting a great idea I gave her a smile and started to walk as I said, “How about we go see the winged-rabbits, I know how much they love playing with you.” Getting to see her eyes light up I couldn’t help but chuckle while making my way to the north valley. Upon arriving the winged-rabbits were already coming out and flying around us, setting Genova down she was swarmed with the cute pink creatures. Sitting down close by I watched young Genova run around with the winged-rabbits as her laughter filled the air. Sometime had passed until Genova sat down and the two of us were making flower crowns with the small blue flowers. Finishing up the one I made for her I glanced over to her. “I finished up your flower crown,” I said out loud as she seemed to look over with excitement as it seemed she finished hers.

“Yay,” she cheerfully said getting up and running over as when she was getting closer I noticed her trip. “Waaa,” she yelped as I leaned forward and held out my arms to catch her but then my vision was filled with white smoke. When it cleared my eye met with her light coral ones, she was back to normal as she really did look even more beautiful with the longer part of her muted purple hair loose from its low ponytail. “A-Ah i’m sorry Yukiya,” she was quick to apologize and pull away for her to sit on her knees and sightly looking away though her reddening face was still visible. “It’s perfectly fine, you’re not hurt right,” I asked as she shook her head in a no manner, that’s a relief.

“Oh here you go,” I said, picking up the flower crown off my lap before reaching over and placing it on top of her head. “It looks great, i love it! Oh here’s your’s,” she said happily leaning and placing the one she made on top of my head before sitting again. “Thanks,” I thanked her with a smile having that familiar fuzzy feeling in my chest. Once again there was a silence between us. “Hey Yukiya,” I suddenly heard my name be called, looking over to where she was staring down at her lap while her bangs fell over her face.

“Yes?”

“...Thank you.”

“There’s no need to thank me, you’re important to me,” I said as my eyes widened when she looked over at me so quickly.

“There is! I know I get help from our other friends too but… I always feel like they get so annoyed with how much they have to keep an eye on me,” she said, hearing her voice her thoughts made me frown but I kept quiet to listen to her continue. “I hate that no matter how capable I am, it still isn’t enough to protect myself and it can be the littlest and stupidest of things that trigger my curse! I hate it, I hate myself!” Feeling my heart breaking I acted on instinct and moved closer while taking off my eye patch before putting my hands on both her arms. “Nova I don’t know the pain you go through, but I can only imagine how much it hurts… And it isn’t easy, but you-you are one of the strongest girls I know here,” I said only feeling that aching feeling grow; I just wished she wasn’t so hard on herself.

“I don’t feel strong. And to be honest I really think about this a lot; the thought that after here I won’t be able to make anything of myself,” she replied back as tears started to roll down her face. “Not only that, how can I ever imagine having a husband or even a family for that matter?! Who-Who wants to love a woman who turns into a kid after she gets hurt huh… This curse has taken so much from me before I can even have the chance to experience any of it,” she finished talking, sobbing. The next thing I did was all that I could think of doing; carefully pulling her to me and holding her in my arms and running my hand through her soft hair. “You haven’t lost any of that and I can understand that those kinds of thoughts scare you, but I know one thing for sure is that despite your curse I for one love you,” I said finally confessing my feelings for her.

She pulled away from me some as her face was red and her eyes were slightly puffy. “W-Wait! You-You love… Me,” she stuttered to get her words out in a shocked manner. Still giving her a soft smile I nod my head in a yes manner as I reached a hand out to clear the tears away. “I do, I love you for who you are; your brave side, or your clumsy side, I love all of you and I want to protect you. But not only that, one day I want to help you break this curse,” I told her, which I got startled when she started to cry again, but I relaxed shortly after when I saw there was a smile on her face. “That makes me… S-So happy to hear! I-I was always so scared that you wouldn’t feel the same if I ever found the courage to actually tell you how I felt myself,” she said wiping her own tears away with her hands, getting to see her smile like that melting my heart. Cupping her face in my hands I rested my forehead against hers. “Well you don’t have to be scared anymore,” I whispered to her before leaning in close to softly kiss her lips.

~~~ Few Days Later ~~~

I was making my way to my usual spot at the lake as I was just completely over the day. “Can this day just be over please,” I said out loud to no one in particular as I tossed my bag to the side not really caring where it landed. Pushing my ponytail off from my shoulder I took off my cloak before I plopped down onto the grass and just lay on my back. Letting out a groan I crossed my arms over my eyes trying to get all of my stresses from today out. “Maĭnata mi na zhivota,” I cursed now just feeling my arms tremble and the tears starting to fall. It was just one of those days that just seemed to be against me as not only that, not once but TWICE did I get hurt and turn into a kid; needless to say I just wanted to hide from the world.

While slowly breathing in and out to calm myself down I suddenly felt a paw on me, Bane must have found me. It was silent as he didn’t say anything which was slightly odd, but then I felt what I thought was Bane lay on me; wait a might… Bane isn’t this light. Raising an eyebrow in confusion what could be laying on me I moved my arms off my eyes so I could see as I froze when I saw it was actually Seth. “U-Uhh.. Hi Seth,” I hesitantly greeted my boyfriend’s familiar as this was certainly a different behavior he’s ever shown and I couldn’t help but be the slightest bit worried after what happened the other day. I heard him let out a soft bark and moved now resting his head on my chest. Blinking a couple of times I softly smiled and giggled, maybe this was his way of apologizing. Moving my arms to hug him I petted his head gently as I said, “Thank you Seth, I really appreciate it.” He didn’t react or respond in any way, he just laid there and closed his eyes. Feeling myself grow tired myself I found myself dozing off peacefully.

~~~ Yukiya POV ~~~

I was around through the courtyard in search of Genova as it being lunch meant I could spend some time with her, but when I went to pick her up from her class she wasn’t there. Azusa had told me she rushed out as soon as the bell rang and what happened during classes. Knowing her, she’d be most likely at the lake though while walking I came across Bane. “Hello there, you’re searching for Genova too right,” I said as he briefly stopped and looked at me with his red eyes. He gave a small nod instead of saying anything and started to walk again in which I followed since we both were more likely heading to the same place.

When arriving at her favorite spot at the lake I came to a complete stop when I saw a very surprising view; there was my girlfriend sound asleep as Seth was laying on top of her and also sound asleep. I couldn’t help but find the scene cute, especially with the way she had her arms loosely wrapped around his neck like someone who was sleeping with a stuffed animal. Looking over to see how Bane was responding to it though he didn’t look happy but he seemed to stay silent only going over and curling up next to her. Sitting by the tree I decided I’d let her rest as I didn’t want to ruin the bonding moment her and Seth were having. I found myself falling in love with her even more.

#wizardess heart #wizardess heart fanfic #seth the wolf #wh oc #genova merkulova #yukiya reizen #Bane the black wolf

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prorevenge · 5 years

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Bully from my class gets what's coming to him after the whole class turns on him

So, this story (the ending) happened pretty recently. Please note that I'm not a good writer so sorry if some of the things in this post are a little short or repetitive. Anyway, let's jump right in.

Big. Fucking. Mistake.

After G realized that I was too afraid to do anything serious about it, he continued to bully me, my friends and most of the people in the class. He did have a small group of friends who I can bet were his friends just because they were afraid of him. I also noticed that in his friend group were the most athletic and sporty kids from the class. Some of the things he did to me included: Calling me names, pushing me, making fun of me for apparently "being so poor he drinks his own piss" (probably because of the phone thing) and taking my desert I got from the cafeteria and eating it. Close to the end of the year, I build up the courage to go talk to the principal. To my shock, a lot of other kids from my class and even from a class lower than us came to report his behavior. He was getting away with it however, because no, not the principal, but the vice principal was his mother. She somehow made sure he got away with everything he did. That made me really angry. The fact that he could be a piece of dickshit to people his age or smaller and not get any punishment for it made me angry. In fact, it made me so angry that for the remaining part of the school year I thought of ways to get revenge on him. I ended up finding one, but I decided to wait for next year, since we had to start at the beginning of the year and I also needed my friends for it. It turns out things still weren't going good, as on the last day of school, G followed me home when I left with my parents (I'm assuming he did it very sneakily as I didn't see him anywhere) and now he knew where I lived. Now, during the summer vacation I go to spend some time at my grandmothers house, but I also spend a few days at home at the beginning. When I came down (I lived in a tall appartment building) the next day to go walk my uncle's dog, I saw him there. Well, not instantly, he came in the park right when I was about to leave, but he was still there! I didn't know what to say, and he just came up and me and started taunting me and calling me names. When I said that I had to go he said something along the lines of "Aww.... little baby is sad? I bet the little baby is gonna go home and cry because G made him sad waa waa waaa...." He then proceeded to KICK THE DOG and then walked away. That's when I knew he had to pay. No doubts at all. When school finally started, I told two of my friends about the plan and they seemed to like it. Here's how it went: Me and my friends would go buy a small notebook, each to have one of their own. When G started bullying us, we would remember what he said/did to us and then we would write it all in the notebook in great detail. Yeah, it wasn't too original but damn it, it worked so it was good. In spring our notebooks were already full so that's where the final part of my plan came in. During a class with our head teacher, Me and my friends each told the teacher that we had something we would like t share and we each came to the front of the class. We started reading from our notebooks, stopping every now and then to let the next one read. All the while we watched as G's face became red either with anger or with shame. (probably the first) The teacher stopped us, but right as she was about to say something another one of my classmates raised his hand. He also said how G had bullied him ever since G came to our school. After he was finished, another kid raised his hand. Then another. Then another. After a while nearly everyone had something to say about G and how he bullied them. Even some of his friends raised their hand and said how he was sexually harasing nearly FIVE girls from my class! They said how he would tell them things in secret such as "I wanna ride that huge ass so hard" or "I hope she sucks my dick all night long". Believe it or not, those were some of the tamer things he said. Some other stuff included the words "rape" and I think I even heard the word "torture" at some point. When they were done, G was shocked. He was motionless. After a few moments though, he threw a tantrum, even throwing his chair at one of my friends.

Long story short, he was expelled and I heard from one of his friends that his father took away his phone, computer AND PS4 for THREE years. Needles to say, I don't feel any kind of remorse. That's what ya get when ya kick puppies!

(source) story by (/u/MaskLad)

#prorevenge #by /u/MaskLad #pro revenge #revenge stories #pro revenge stories #pro #revenge #last10

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wakandanblogger · 6 years

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Voice of Chains

(part 1)

Requested: Anon

Summary: You are a HYRDA solder captive found by Thanos and made to be a part of his army and Black Order sent to kill at all costs.

Warning(s): Angst, cursing, violence, death

Author: Wakandanblogger

Word Count: 1K

(Italics= Flashbacks)

A/N: Sorry that this took so long. I honestly didn’t know how to approach it, in fear of completely screwing this up. But I’m just going to write and see what happens! Enjoy!

“September”

The shock coursed through your nerves at lightning speed and your head throbbed. Your fingers dug into the old leather that your wrists were strapped to. You tried kicking your heels but they were also strapped. The pain seemed to just be getting worse and worse!

“Sunflower”

“Please!! P-please!!” You begged but the pain never ceased, “Oh God I’ll kill them!” You cried out. During a mission, you had managed to snap out of your blind murder spree. The nightmares never ended! It never stopped ripping your body apart throughout your daily existence. They kept you in a cell and was often laughed at when you awoke from your nightmare, screaming and crying. Curling into a ball, praying to your god that you will be freed from this prison.

“Jackal”

The more they controlled your mind, the less you feel like you could actually beat this. Overcome the pain. But the more they said those damn things, the more they fry your head, the more they pull from you. Being pressed deeper and deeper down into the black hole in your head. You aren’t yourself anymore. You have no idea who you are, you aren’t even in control of your mind anymore.

“All of your cryings will do you no good,” Corvus Glaive smirks at your pain

“You are going to do great things, daughter,” Thanos’s voice echoed but you didn’t want this. You missed being the woman you use to be and being free.

“Radio”

"The last stone is located here,” You hear another faint voice and then the hums of the crazed titan once again.

“We commence first thing tomorrow.” Thanos smiles while watching you shake in an attempt to get this thing out of it.

“Crimson,” Proxima smirks once the last syllable exits her lips.

With the last word, your screaming came to an abrupt silence. “Ready to comply,” Your voice is dry and not your own cheery and happy sound. It was dark, demented, and almost uncomfortable. You have become her slave, a pawn in the battle for the stones.

“Tomorrow, on my command, you will fight until your King of Wakanda is dead, or until you breathe your last breath” She grins while circling you. You became something different, powerful, and easy to control. You are now his secret weapon. You have become a slave, a pawn in the battle for the stones, ordered to fight to the death. You were his child and a part of Thanos’s Black Order.

“Good. Excellent, we are so close I can just reach out and touch it,” Thanos takes your chin between his fingers. He could see the cloudiness in your poor eyes. “I will not be attending this battle, I have matters of my own to obtain the Time Stone,” He hums, “Don’t screw this up for us.” He turns and faces his followers with a clenched fist.

“Yes, Sir Thanos,” They all say in unison and bow with confidence at the power of their leader.

“Aaaah! You almost got it,” His smile was so warm and encouraging. You are pulled up off of the ground by his strong hand. You cursed and open-handedly hit his shoulder and jerks your arm from his grip. T'Challa only laughs and sits down beside you as you stared out of the massive glass window. You always liked to practice in this gym because of the overview of the city, it calmed you. Whenever you lose in a spar you always watched the sunrise while T'Challa tried to comfort you even if you weren’t bothered at all. You closed your eyes and T'Challa watches you with loving eyes.

“Why do I always seem to fall captive by your beauty?” He hums and you smile opening your eyes to look at him. He reaches for your hand but hesitates, unsure if he wanted to commit to this. But more afraid of your response. So many thoughts rushed through his mind, clearly being defeated. He has always loved you but was afraid you wouldn’t feel the same since you saw him as an older brother.

“The King is sending me to Vancouver,” You say without turning your head. You can practically hear him turn his head and stare at the side of your face.

“Why did he-”

“T'Challa,” You say as you pull your knees to your chest, “I can handle myself,” You chuckle turning your head to face sad eyes and concern. T'Challa didn’t like the ideas of you wanting to become a war-dog but it was something that you always wanted. He would rather you be a part of the Dora Milaja, still in Wakanda. Not out in the world.

“Y/N,” T'Challa whispers and you turn your head to look back out to the city.

“I’m twenty years old, in my prime! I want to do what is right for my country,” You assure him. When you reach out and hold his hand, he smiles leaning in to kiss you. You lean in also but spins the both of you in a back tumble, his arm firmly in your grasp. T’Challa taps out groaning and laughing when you trick him but you straddle him as he lies on his back. Those eyes captured you more than he thought they did. The way they wrinkle when he laughs and the power when he accompanied his father. But also, the amount of love they held for you.

When you left for your post, things had gone smoothly for a while until you were faced with a deadly mission that almost cost you your life. Instead, it cost your freedom and sanity.

You stood by their side and watched as all of the alien creatures ran themselves into the barrier while those on the inside of it watched in small fear and disgust. But this wasn’t really you. What stood was a weapon waiting to be used, a gun only needing to be cocked then fired at its target. Meanwhile, on the inside of the city, the Avengers stood watching and also waiting to strike. Falcon and War Machine circled the perimeter, bombing and striking those that got through.

“They are killing themselves,” Okoye says in horror as she stands by T'Challa’s side who was also in shock at the events that were unfolding. He analyzed the battlefield, how the creatures moved and how they died.

“T'Challa, We’ve got a bit of an issue,” Captain says as they continued to look on at the scene in front of them. As more and more rushed from the ships, the more they spilled over. T'Challa looks over and then down at the holo-grid that shown from his bracelet, they were going to be on the back side of the city if this continued. The creatures swarmed and continued to flow from the ship like water. It was never-ending. “Shuri, on my signal-”

When he watched his eyes rested on your figure, still oblivious that it was you. His old friend, his old love, and his old world. You were so much more different than what you use to be. T'Challa looked at everyone that was standing beside him as if it was the last time he’d ever see them. M'Baku steps up by his side and rests his heavy hand on his shoulder for reassurance. They began chanting, pumping each other up for this battle. You stand ready for your next command, listening to the chant, understanding it, feeling it.

“Open the field,” He finally says and there is a loud hum and suddenly a small section field shuts down, allowing the alien hounds to rush the ground. As the aliens pour in Sam and Rhodes drop another round of bullet and bombs are dropped down. Upon the high ground, the guards’ fire from their spears until told to charge. Within a few seconds, they are followed by the Avengers into battle. As both sides collided, Proxima Midnight and Corvus stand and watch in awe, waiting for the right moment. Proxima smiles when she sees the Avengers getting a little cocky and looks over at your figure, “Pawn! Eliminate their King,” she orders with a diabolical grin and you step forward, sensor and lenses of your headgear adjusting before finally lunging forward into the party.

“Uh oh Nat, look out, I think you got somebody copying your style,” Falcon comes through the radio and every one looks up towards the new addition to the scene, slicing and blasting your way through any and everyone that got in your way.

“Well this is embarrassing,” Nat jokes and continues dealing with her current opponent, “Cap?” Natasha says awaiting orders, but nothing came. Everyone was dealing with their own individual battles and trying to survive it to fight the next one. The creatures were just mindless dogs being sent out to attack the ‘bad guys’ and you weren’t much different. Falcon and War Machine go for another circle around the perimeter and fire more rounds of explosives, including you. As the rapid-fire continues you shield yourself behind the body of an alien then tosses it’s lifeless body aside. You take aim with the laser attached to your headset and send a small ray of golden light that blasts right through one of Falcon’s wings, sending him spiraling out of control.

“Ah! Cap! Waaa-” As he comes crashing down you manage to launch yourself from the back of an alien and straight into him. This action seemed to grab the attention of Bucky and Banner. You managed to land a few blows in before being thrown off once the two of you land roughly on the ground.

“Guys! I know this woman, she’s HYDRA,” Bucky says to the group over the communicator over his gunfire, “They said she disappeared during a mission.”

You stand up and aim your laser straight for Falcon, he tries to shoot a small missile at you but your ray blasts it in mid-air. A thick black cloud of smoke blocked your sights of him, “Rhodes! Get him outta there!” Cap calls out from the distance. “On it,” He grunts changing direction. When you look up you can see a shine that you assumed to be 'Rhodes’ so you targetted him. The shot is once again foiled by a Jabari warrior charging towards you. When you drop down to your knees to dodge his sword coming for you, you are met by the spear of a Dora. You grab the spear and twist roughly, pulling her to the ground with you. The warrior put up a good fight but was no match for your ray gun. You stand up, spear in hand and throw it towards another warrior, going right through their abdomen.

“T’Challa!” Okoye yells noticing the event but being pulled into another battle.

“What is it-General?” He grunts while in the middle of his own battle against an alien. Okoye, in four simple words, triggers a burst of anger that coursed through him.

A Dora is dead

Within a few years, two Dora have died in battle, more than anything they were expecting. He increased their training, their routines, and even their defenses, but it still wasn’t enough, yet another Dora life was lost. A bright purple field and bodies flying every which way catch your attention. You run forward towards the action but you are quickly halted by Banner firing missiles from his suit. Gritting your teeth you manage to dodge most of them and fire your laser at a few of them before aiming at Banner’s rocket launchers and every other gun that appeared from his armor.

“Okay well, um guys, she just shot through my attacks and I lost half of my firepower, so we need another plan,” Banner says as T'Challa takes to the top of his armored suit. You stand up and your eyes lock with him. For a split second, only for a second, you almost broke free from the shackles that held you trapped in your mind. Underneath that mask was the face of someone who had no idea who you were. You’ve changed so much since he last saw you or even heard your voice. All he saw was the creature responsible for the death of a companion.

For all he knew, you were lost and forgotten forever.

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hebblog · 7 years

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Ghost Deployed | D2: First Impressions

*spoiler alert*

:: Like most I’ve been playing since launch which waaas...five days ago. I just finished the campaign last night at 2am :) I main an Awoken Warlock. I figured I’ld jot down my thoughts while starting up the first few missions with my Exo Titan alt.

WOW!

Everything sounds so much richer, looks so much sharper

The amount of loot that drops is unreal! If anyone complains about RNG now it’ll be foolish

I’ve already found my first weapon set

Is it just me, or is it weird that our character all of a sudden lost their voice? I mean, they didn’t really speak much to begin with, and I get they want us to feel more behind-the-hood in the game this time around, but still...

I love how they’ve seamlessly slipped things like Patrol missions into the campaign story, so that having all this random stuff everywhere makes way more sense!

Also can I just take a minute to say how deeply sad this whole game makes me! I mean, heroic chest puffing ending but goddammit I spent 90% of this just sore in my heart!

At first I was upset that you gain the Light back so quickly, but after beating it, and seeing the progression of my Guardian...it makes sense.

It would’ve been really cool to have Dinklebot along for this insane ride...

Normally I don’t like playing games like this with the music on, helps me immerse myself, but the soundtrack to this story is AMAZING!!!

Do you think we’ll become the new Speaker? I bet we will.

ALSO AT THE VERY END OF EVERYTHING AREN’T THOSE THE SPACE PYRAMIDS THAT WERE ORIGINALLY SHOWN IN LIKE, THE 2ND PIECE OF CONCEPT ART?!?

I’m pretty bummed the Speaker died without a face reveal, or even a funeral! Just falls, is killed by the old cranky Cabal...somehow...and that’s it. SUPA LAME!

I transferred over 2/3 characters from D1, but wanted to use my third (Human/Hunter) as a clean slate. Definitely bummed they didn’t updated, or even make one single change to the character creation. I get the uniformity, but it’s still a super bummer. Like, not even a moustache? C’mon!

I’m feeling a little overwhelmed with how much stuff is on the Maps for me to complete...and that’s awesome! Every time I’m like “holy shit there’s so much!” I remember that we’re only a handful of days into a game that I’ll be playing for probably the next 5yrs.

The new Public Events are one of my favourite open-world concepts about the game.

I think overall I’m just so stoked on this game! This feels like the same transition Bungie made from Halo1 > Halo2. Crispier, cleaner, tighter, more refined and polished, in a way that opens up the action, retools the story, and expands the universe. I’m gonna stop now though, because I don’t want this to be a review - these are my ongoing thoughts on a game that will take up a large portion of my life :)

#ghost deployed #destiny 2 #review #blog #bungie

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sarahaltmanposts · 5 years

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Delayed Reaction

March 4, 2019

Have you ever been driving and when you get to your destination, you can’t remember the actual drive? Or sometimes during my morning workout I’ll complete a set of exercises and ten seconds later not remember that I’d actually done them. Well, I’m coming up on a year since I discovered that lump in my breast, and for the life of me (ha!) the past eleven months is a complete blur. And it seems that all the thoughts, feelings and experiences that I moved through, but didn’t have the time to process are now plowing over me like an avalanche.

A little catch up- Although my PET Scan in December came back clear, a few weeks later I found another lump in my breast. Having had a bilateral mastectomy, it shouldn’t be anything, right? Always wanting to avoid overreacting, I hesitated contacting my doctor. But after about two weeks of feeling the thing, I sent my Surgical Oncologist an email asking if it’s anything I should be concerned about. Her call the next morning requesting to see me right away answered that question.

An ultrasound could not determine what the lump is. Yes, it could be scar tissue or dead fat cells from the grafting that was done during my reconstruction, but the radiologist could not be conclusive. So they decided to ‘watch me very closely’ and follow this lump to make sure it’s not another tumor. I’ll go back for another ultrasound in a month or so.

Getting back to ‘normal’ also meant resuming my regular skin checks with my Dermatologist. Having had several skin cancers in the past, all treatable with a few snips and stitches, my Dermatologist and I are buddies. But at this appointment, he was different. Now that I’m post- breast cancer, he suddenly become over vigilant. He did a much more thorough skin check than before that resulted in discovering a lump at my lymph node by my pelvis. (Who knew we even had lymph nodes there?!!!) He had never even examined those lymph nodes before. So when he solemnly asked “So, uh… when’s the next time you’re going to see your Oncologist?” it’s was all I could do to avoid laughing. Not a humorous situation, but, are you kidding me? So yeh, I sent off another email to my Surgical Oncologist and we both decided this one could wait to be examined at my next check up in a month.

At this point in time, I’m kinda thinking that if we keep digging deep enough, we’re gonna find some stuff. And shit, I’m just kind of done.

Back to the avalanche.

I’m on my third month of taking hormone blockers and I think they’re messing with me. This shows up for me in a couple ways. First, my bones are really achy. When I go to stand after sitting for a while, I walk like an old lady. And second, I’m experiencing an exaggerated version of PMS, where I become overly irritable, followed by some deep sadness. It’s not really depression, but more a lack of joy…in everything.

Warning- rant to follow.

I am no longer bald- that’s something to celebrate, right? I should be grateful. And I am… but….My hair is coming back darker and curlier than it was before. And I’m not really enjoying the growing out process. And if one more person tells me how cute my hair style is, I may just scream. Yes, I know people are well-intentioned. And heck, I may have made the same kind of remark to someone I’d seen going through this process. But for me, it’s just a sad reminder of what I’ve just gone through. This is not a hairstyle I’ve chosen. I did not go to the salon and ask for a pixie haircut. This strawberry blonde, curly mess growing is not by choice. Some days I feel like Little Orphan Annie! And as much as I wanted to play Annie as a child, nowadays it just gets me angry. I miss my light blonde hair. I miss having longer hair. I miss having a warm head!

And then there’s my boobs. I miss them too. MY boobs. The ones I had before surgery. Because the ones I have now- they don’t feel like mine. They don’t look like mine. And honestly, they don’t even look that great. Don’t get me wrong, the plastic surgeon did a wonderful job. But because my boobs pre-surgery were kinda saggy, I would’ve had to go up several sizes to fill the skin and I just didn’t want to do that. As a result, my boobs have lots of dimples and indentations in them now and the shape just looks unnatural to me. And they don’t feel great. Sometimes they hurt. It’s just another reminder.

Piled on top of all this anger is a boatload of guilt. I’m reminded of how lucky I am. I have my life. The treatments worked. My health insurance, for the most part, was amazing at helping us handle the cost of the financial toll of this disease. And my body has mostly rebounded from the year’s events. So with all of that in mind, all these challenging feelings seem indulgent. There’s a voice always whispering, “Sarah, come on now. How dare you? You should be feeling unending gratitude.” So every experience of anger, sadness or frustration is followed by tremendous guilt. And there’s an aching thought that somehow I ’should’ be doing more with my life; that my life as a Mom to these amazing boys, running our household, it just isn’t enough. It’s not a positive whisper, one that encourages me to do more. It’s more of a very judgmental side of myself, criticizing and nagging; as if saying, “This is what your life was saved for?”

So yeh, there’s a lot going on in my head these days. And little things trigger me. Recently I saw a story on facebook about a guy who ‘cured’ his cancer by eating raw. First of all, yay for him. But secondly, shit. Really? Here’s my inner monologue reacting to this story: “Wow, so more evidence that eating raw is good for you and may even CURE cancer? I’m not eating raw. I’m not enjoying eating very much at all lately. But when I do eat, it’s not raw. Right now, it’s carb and sugar heavy because I’m f-ing sad all the time. Great. So now, I’m not only hurting my body by not sustaining it with healthy food choices, but I’m inviting cancer to come right back in. Way to go, Sarah.” And then it turns to: “F-ck that! If I fought so hard to stay alive, I should be able to eat whatever I want! And f that guy for implying that by not eating raw, I’m welcoming cancer back!” OK- I know that guy wasn’t really implying that. He was just sharing his story. Again, yay for him. But clearly, there’s still lots of anger and guilt present for me.

“Waaa, waaa, waaa. Quit your bitching and moaning. Stop indulging yourself and shake it off,” says my inner voice.

And then I learned that this whole thing I’m going through…it’s not uncommon. In fact, most cancer survivors experience a period of time when they process the trauma of, well, getting cancer and going through treatment and surviving. And for me, this part is much harder than the actual treatments. When I was going through treatments, there was a plan to follow and it kept me on track. Now, going through this, it’s ambiguous and wrought with traps, reminding me how I should be grateful, when all I’m feeling is sad. And I’m a bit angry that there wasn’t a warning about this part of recovery and no courses on how to navigate this post-cancer phase.

And if I’m being totally honest and transparent, which is all I know how to be, I’m a bit angry that the support that was so abundant during my treatments has all but disappeared. People congratulate me now, like the whole cancer thing is done, I’ve crossed the finish line, mission complete. Unlike the loving compassion I received from friends when I shared my cancer diagnosis, now when I share my sadness and difficult feelings, my friends just nod and suggest therapy, anti-depressants, or finding my passion. These are great ideas and ones that I’ve utilized in the past, but right now, they’re just not resonating. But I understand my well intentioned friends. Sitting with someone in sadness is not easy or something we’re taught. We naturally want to help someone feel better. I get it.

Another tactic is reminding myself that there are so many people who are experiencing so much worse than me. But this can be tricky because while I understand that notion intellectually, my own sad feelings remain the same and joylessness persists. And then guilt creeps back in and compounds the situation. So ultimately, my training has taught me that avoiding my feelings, or masking them with drugs or busyness, will not lead me to radiant health. Sometimes, you just have to go through it, you know?

So it seems I’m in mourning for my pre-cancer life. And It may just take a bit of time for me to adjust to this new life of mine. One with achy bones, strange, awkward boobs and cancer still dangling over my head.

So please bare with me, dear reader, as I go through my stuff. More rants may follow. And hopefully, as I continue to work through all of this, these feelings will lift.

I ask for grace, compassion and understanding. No need to solve this for me, but I welcome a hug, a loving nod, or a wink- you know, the kind that Samantha used to give to Carrie, reassuring her she had her back. And I hope…I really hope, I can find my joy again.

In loving,

Sarah

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