#We can have different opinions you don’t gotta wish death on me

[b3achysurfur]

my live reaction to people wishing bad on me bc I hate logan :

[afaramir]

6, 13 and 22 for the ask game?

hi friend!!! thank u for sending these<3 i was gonna ask you if you wanted to send different questions bc there’s a couple repeats from the last ask but then i came up with new answers. if you still wanna send diff ones though i will answer them as well

6. which ship fans are the most annoying

ACTUALLY LMFAO I LIED IN THE LAST ONE. i think (hope?) you’ll find this one funny lol well the 0.5 people in the denethorongil ao3 tag who are just there for crack. girl the psychic situationship. that is so fucking interesting. this is like the reverse answer. which ship NON fans are the most annoying. Anyway. i think it just pisses me off whenever a dynamic that could be so thematically (and dramatically) intriguing gets dismissed or made into a joke bc like. come on is that the best we can do? perhaps i just frequently lack a sense of humour about this kind of thing. or maybe people mostly are not funny…who can say.

13. worst blorbofication…TWO!

now is my time to SHINE baby….little pathetic baby faramir is SUCH a textbook fucking case of blorbofication. that shit is ridiculous. yeah the idea of a punching bag dad to take shit out on and/or guy bending over backwards just for his dad's approval appeals to you. unrelatedly how is your relationship with your dad. but i swear to god i KNOW that there are other characters out there that fit this archetype better. there are PLENTY of sad little people pleasers out there. dont take one of the greatest bitchest craziest men in the whole wide green world and make him your little crybaby. if you read the denethor faramir relationship as abusive you gotta also understand that he is right there punching back at it all. goddamn. he had gone on the orders of the lord of the city indeed. peter jackson im gonna fucking get you. this is a guy that first blamed his brothers death on their father and THEN promptly forced said father to order him to his probable death for the sake of his own moral code he has never once laid down and taken it in his LIFE. he’s been arguing back since he was like seven years old or something. in MANY THINGS he displeased his father! he is not a doormat he is a motherfucking doorstop and he WILL make it your problem! also i don’t have anywhere else to put this opinion so it’s gonna go here. it hit me sometime yesterday that the desperate-to-please faramir narrative almost works better with canon denethor. i mean film faramir is a totally different guy so like im not even sure if he would have the same history with his father but like just bear with me here. if he knows that his father trusts him as a commander and yet cannot (seem to express, although failing to express for long enough is basically equivalent) love him as a son…that he has memories of… actually just kidding this doesn’t fucking work at all. because the POINT of it all is that denethor and faramir are the same until they’re not. sly and tactical and cunning and so so so numenorean that elros tar-minyatur would WEEP. while i think film faramir and book denethor are - if not diametric opposites, at least not. so similar. i mean peter jackson literally blorbified him himself. here is my new guy with maybe one of his key traits preserved. man when i reblog a film faramir gif im just imagining book faramir’s personality. i hope you all understand this. i just. i DO love david wenham’s faramir face. he put so so so much 100% home grown bitch energy into the capturing frodo and sam scene faramir and i am simply imagining him translating all that onto "on one occasion at least your counsel has prevailed, not long ago. it was the lord of the city that gave the errand to him." now THAT…oh captain my captain. do you get it

22. your favourite part of canon that everyone else ignores

on one occasion at least your counsel has prevailed not long ago/stir not the bitterness in the cup i poured for myself. people LOOOVE you wish now that our places had been exchanged but read two more lines girlypop IT GETS BETTER. i mean people smarter than me have figured it out already but "restraint"…the idea of faramir having been holding this back for a long time. perhaps even since he first realized boromir was dead and thinking oh. oh, father sent him, or agreed to let him go, or however it went down, and now he is dead and it is father's fault. jesus christ that makes me crazy. and denethor basically saying what else do you think i have been thinking about for weeks. do you dare to think this is new news to me im not the heartless bitch you think i am. of course i blame myself. ARE YOU KIDDING? this is like the entire dynamic contained in two lines of dialogue. i had a runner-up answer but im too sleepy to write it all out but ill tell you what it is and its how WEIRD denethor and faramir are. theyre so weird you guys. i am psychic and prophetic and i WILL make it your problem.

[cladestruction]

PART III of my super long aotd thoughts (and prayers) commentary/analysis extravanganza🤪

warning: spoilers. repetition of words/expressions hehe. badly written (english is not my first language lol). looong text. curse words. biased opinions because this is my blog and i get to do with it as i please.

previously: part I | part II

so long, gay Dick: ok i’m sorry. yes, this was so painful i couldn’t process it properly until the fifth time i watched the scene. it’s so sudden and so… mystical? but like, in a vague way? i like that it’s established how compromised Dick is with this whole prophecy and church thing. it’s surprising (to me, at least) to see him react so quickly to protect the band. makes me wonder if he knew, since the very beginning of this spiritual-guidance-thing that he would have to protect the band with his own life at some point. the thought makes me very sad. and it doesn’t help that as soon as the shield is up, the scene goes kinda quiet. we see the boys getting confused about just everything that happened in the span of seconds, and Nathan running to punch at the shield, desperately trying to reach Knubbler. they were close, all of them, after all. and when they see he has no shield yet still walks calmly in front of them, covering them, as he waits for the unstoppable to happen, it’s sad. i have to say too that it broke my heart that he wasn’t smiling at them either. a lot of death scenes like this make the character accept their death in peace, smiling at the protagonist(s) in a reassuring way. it’s the typical don’t worry, it’s not your fault. goodbye kinda scene. but Dick doesn’t do that. and it makes sense and i like that it’s made that way but ugh, it’s still painful. he looks at them one last time. i’m not sure if he is aware this is what was bound to happen and the boys still have a chance at defeating Salacia, or if in his mind the last thing he sees is just: the guys who failed at saving the world. so he’s just there. standing, helpless, yet serious. i wonder if he was pissed off at them or something lmao. maybe he wanted to be by their side a little longer but couldn’t because they failed to follow orders. maybe he wished to be their producer for one album more, but knew this was his place in the prophecy and saying goodbye was proving to be a bit harder than he expected. who knows. i found it very curious how they didn’t actually show him die either. it’s implied, of course, but for a show that’s never afraid to show blood and organs and melting skin it’s weird that he just: vanishes. i’m not sure if they were trying to make his death something special and different, something that wouldn’t fall in the category of other gore deaths, but i also feel like that left it too vague. i mean, to all Knubbler fans out there, my heart goes out to you but psst, maybe we can collectively agree that he can be alive somehow, somewhere. anything is possible, stay strong.

running away and aftermath: you know by now i am a big fan of Nathan and Pickles, so i’m having a blast. that scene of Nathan with his fists up against the shield and the fire covering the room on the other side is very cool. he looks weak, even being a big muscular man as he is. makes me think how many times he’s felt helpless in his life, as he most certainly could always punch his problems away and deal with stuff using his fame and power. it’s cool to see him fail, i like that he is being pushed to a place where he’s just: a guy. a lost and confused guy. and of course Pickles is the one to go to him and get everyone on the run. i like that he goes for the notebook too. it’s very convenient because we can tell it’ll be a plot device in some future scene, but it’s still on character for Pickles to pick it up. he is still on his “gotta be a good friend” mindset and that involves looking out for Nathan and the stuff he forgets/doesn’t see. he is shown even in the show to be very good at looking out for everyone and is very resourceful even in extreme situations. i think back to rehabklok, when he is trapped in a room and panicking because the guys are in trouble. despite all that, he still manages to get out and go save them. it’s cool, i love him, let’s move on. i like the little scene of the mushrooms growing, idk. they are even on the album cover too, i like it very much. i like that we get to see survivors too, props to them for being stronger and braver than the marines because holy shit everything is destroyed. Toki is carrying Skwisgaar and i’m a fan. they are walking, i don’t know where or why but hell yeah i’d follow them anywhere.

cave sceneee: OK YES i’ll say this immediately i LOVE the thing they did with Skwisgaar: the trance, his guitar and the repeating DEADFACE notes. i love how the tuner is brought back and this time it goes from Toki to Skwisgaar. it’s a very simple payback but you know i was kicking my feet at it. also, the guitar is important to Skwis for obvious reasons but it’s established to be for emotional support too, as shown to be practically his coping mechanism. i could make an essay about Skwisgaar, his guitar, his trauma and his skill and how all those things coexist and codepend, but that’d be for another occasion. the PICKLES ASTHMA ATTACK and Nathan telling him to pull it together? yeah i like that shit too, what can i say. i have asthma too so REPRESENTATION !!! and idk, i guess i love to see Pickles freak out because it always feels very real. he is a chill guy and all but my man has a lot of triggers, and of course he does, his childhood was fucked up and he supposedly has many trust and abandonment issues yet to solve. that and the world-ending atmosphere HAD to trigger a crisis in him, so i’m glad they showed it, even if it’s such a short little scene of him in the background trying to catch his breath. it’s a bit sad for me to realize that just now they are wondering about Murderface. Pickles apparently had him in his radar too when it all went to shit, but he didn’t run after him. it makes sense, of course, it was too dangerous, but it’s still sad they just: left him go on his own. now Crozier !!! it’s kinda embarrassing to say but i immediately trusted him the first time i saw this scene. he could’ve easily betrayed them and just: lie. but i trusted him and so did the boys and i’m glad they did. (tmi: that shot of Nathan’s sideprofile, and his arm when he grabs Crozier’s neck made me GASP. anyway) it’s cool when he inspected Skwisgaar, idk why i liked that. it was a second-long scene but it made sense lmao. the man’s a military guy, he is the only one prepared enough to say “yup, this is just shock from the explosion. we just have to wait” and even tho it’s kind of unnecessary, it was what made the others trust him a bit more and that’s great foundation for the future scene. i love to see Nathan connect the dots. when he says “Salacia!” as Crozier explains everything, i smiled so proudly. Nathan IS very smart, everyone else needs to just SHUT UP and let my boy use his braincells. it was sad when Crozier pretty much admitted that he was so sick of Salacia preying on him that the very small hint of freedom he got he jumped to what he thought would be his death. as if he were so desperate that death would be the only way out. that’s always a sad thought for me. i’m glad he didn’t die tho, and i’m glad here they planted the basis of the importance of the water to both exorcise AND defeat Salacia (again, because it was hinted already, more than once during the show. but it’s nice they repeated it here to refresh everyone’s memories).

DEADFACE: UGH THIS SCENE OMG THIS SCENE !!! i am shaking now just by writing about it lmao. when they discover he is the traitor is GREAT. they are always quick to shit-talk him but here they are just: surprised AND hurt. and then Skwisgaar opens his eyes ??? and deasface starts playing ??? i SCREAMED, i CRIED, i THREW UP. when i watched this the first time i was so scared it would be another Nathan Explosion solo adventure or something, so i was beaming with joy when the rest of the boy showed up to corner Murderface. great visuals, and it’s such a good addition to have Crozier’s voiceover on the background. when he says “your friend is innocent” i choked up, i’m not kidding. i like how the explosions don’t stop Nathan from searching for Murderface, it’s cute. and when he found him, and Murderface looks like this little feral creature UGH, good shit. the fact that Nathan says nothing, and just holds out his hand is so so cute i could’ve puked my heart out. they both look so confused. Nathan doesn’t know how to get to him, how to help him, maybe he doesn’t even expect Murderface to take his hand, but he still hold it out. and Murderface, he looks so lost and scared. Crozier says Salacia is still inside him but this looks more like: just Murderface. a very sad and sorry Murderface, terrified of what he just did. 

Exorcism: i like how the guys are struggling just a bit to hold Murderface, but seemingly more because of how fucked up it is what they are about to do than because Murderface is capable of overpowering his 4 bandmates. i LOVE how they are all holding a different limb and how ready they are to cooperate and do this correctly. Nathan, of course, directs them but they are all participating and they are perfectly coordinated. this might be the most important thing they have to do as a group so i absolutely love how they were shown to be both determined and horrified to drown their friend in order to save him, of course. everyone looks so scared, Pickles and Skwisgaar are even holding their eyes shut. it’s such an important scene and those shots of Murderface’s hand reaching out for Nathan, his friend, is HEARTBREAKING. when everything stops, i like that Nathan looks at the others, as if he was making sure they were still okay, because he knows this was difficult for all of them. the visuals of Salacia getting out of Murderface are very cool. as soon as the phantom goes away, Nathan is quick to go directly to Murderface and is determined to bring him back. he is shown serious and strong but also desperate, as everyone else watches in anticipation. there’s absolutely no dialogue, and oh god the soundtrack in this particular scenes is too good. Nathan dismisses Pickles when he reaches out but it’s not rude as other times the frontman has done that. it’s understandable even. Nathan just lost Knubbler some time ago, maybe he feels like if he could’ve reached him he would be still alive or something, maybe he blames himself for not doing more, so of course he is deadset on doing all he can to reanimate Murderface. we can even think back to religionklok and how horrible Nathan felt when he almost got Murderface killed, or how in doomstar requiem he made a promise to Murderface to save him too if he ever got in trouble. and yipee, saving Murderface he does.

“come back and suck” he says: it’s jarring to see the bassist immediately want to run away as soon as he wakes up, because it shows his mind must’ve been hell this entire time. when he brings back Magnus i almost cried. i’ll go ahead and say it: i’m not a Magnus fan. i do appreciate him as a character and the drama/conflict he brought to the show, i also respect him because of all the history he must have had with dethklok. but i never thought of him with much love or care (what he did to Toki was terrible and i actually hate him for that lmao) so i was surprised to see how important it was for me that the band remembered him in this scene. a band is a family, and Magnus was a part of it, so everything that happened is just sad. when Nathan says “Magnus never gave us a chance to forgive him” i got choked up thinking they could’ve all reconciled and gotten along and maybe even become a 6-member band (?) IF Magnus didn’t get fixed on playing victim and not asking for forgiveness. it’s made clear none of the boys wanted him to die, and the fact that Magnus is one of the faces that haunts Nathan since dsr makes it even more meaningful for them to let Murderface know how important forgiveness is, and how important it is that Murderface stays with them. not for the music, not for the prophecy, but for the friendship. i don’t agree with the reasoning of “sucking is important”, it’s weird. in the show it’s said that Murderface brings hate and brutality to the songs, they also say he is very good to point out things that suck so he helps the band stay centered if something does indeed suck. but idk, in my head i’ll take it more as a code word for friendship or staying, as when Toki says “suck the life of every waking moment with us” is just another way of saying please man, stay and let’s be friends forever. the exchange of “you can never hear the bass, but you can always feel it” made me cry. THAT was my breaking point. we were robbed of a band hug but guess i’ll have to draw it myself or whatever.

[danganronpasurvivoraskblog]

*gives the harshest glare towards where Kuripa exited before slamming it open and shouting* GOOD!!!!! IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU SHOVE YOUR UNSYMPATHETIC SELF OUT OF HERE!!!! IF YOU'RE GOING TO TREAT THESE KIND PEOPLE LIKE TRASH JUST FOR A DIFFERENCE OF OPINION, THEN DON'T SHOW YOUR FACE AROUND THEM AGAIN!!! GO BURN IN HELLFIRE FOR ALL WE CARE!!! I HOPE YOUR SISTER IS ROLLING IN HER GRAVE FOR BEING AN AWFUL BROTHER AND PERSON IN GENERAL!!!!!!!! * slams the camper door shut*

Hahahahahahahahahaha...Hahahahahahahaha...

...

What’s up?

Nothing. Just...trying to process everything that happened. Even if we were gonna go our separate ways, I had hoped it’d go a little smoother than that...

...

*Kuripa turns to Rantaro.

Are you scared of me?

Would it offend you if I said yes? Because...yeah, you do...A little...

Haha...good...That’s alright with me...

It is? You some kind of masochist?

Oh, I wish...

I know right now all of these askers are just imagining it in their heads right now...All the gruesome ways that karma will collect it’s debt from me...

And I say let ‘em. That feeling of hopelessly wishing death upon the people they despise...It makes them NO DIFFERENT than me...

Plus, they’re already hypocrites. They vouch for the deaths of the Future Foundation’s enemies, day in, day out, and yet when I finally plan a murder against a horrible piece of shit like Katagiri, they turn on me...Act like I’M the one in the wrong...It makes me laugh.

At the end of the day, they just don’t want to admit that I’m the one in the right...

And yet, despite your smile...There is a new sadness in you...

...

“Sadness?”

I won’t hold it against you. Even if you don’t fully regret your decision, I think a part of you regrets having abandoned them like that. They were your friends after all.

Only Boss...No, MAKOTO was my friend. I don’t care if the rest of them, live or they die. We never did see eye to eye, any of us.

And honestly, I’ve been waiting a LONG time to give that detective bitch what for. She may be Makoto’s wife, but I hate demanding people like her...

So you’re not even slightly sad?

Sad? No. I am simply tired...

Tired of pretending that I am content...

Well...Looks like I’ve gotta be the one to share that burden.

I know my actions back there make me seem untrustworthy, but I promise I won’t get in your way...Provided you don’t get in mine. 

I don’t plan on it. I hope we can be good friends.

Us Green-heads gotta stick together.

[kalospiaalmana]

Death receives money for them

Name: Orphic Dern

Date: 3/4/2024

Age: 14

Disclaimer: This is all for education purposes, So please don’t go out there and kill people on the streets. I, Orphic Dern, want to spread awareness about things that seem small on the outside but big on the inside. If you want to talk to me secretly then you gotta find my email. Can’t trust people these days anymore.

Life and death is around us all. If you really think about it, Humans are walking on life and death. One choice can lead to their death or knocking the door. Every building we go into could have been a graveyard in the past. Do they gain an increase if someone is alive or buried 6 feet under. Have you ever wondered how much money someone is worth based on their nationality? I know that sounds crazy but It’s the truth. In different countries the price of money is different.

1 Pound sterling equals 1.27 United States Dollar. , While in Britain a Us dollar is worth 0.79 pound sterling. Some countries' currencies are higher than others in specific countries. What a shocker, right? Not that really to be honest. Countries favor other countries more than others. This goes back all the way to BCE. Can someone please tell me? What did people want in BCE? People in BCE want that juicy suckable power. Who doesn’t love power? Power means fame, money, and everything that your desire could be at your fingertip because people fear your power. All countries want power, no power means no people. What is a country without their people?

A real life example of this is Russian and Ukraine, Russian wants Ukraine land because of power. The more land you have, The more people that will be able to get your desires for you. Truly sick of how many people that the so-called Russian president has killed. All the babies, children, teenagers, adults, and animals killed because of land. Violence is always the answer in people but talking it out never crossed their mind. Just how much is everything, exactly? What is the average cost of a newborn, kid, preteen, adolescent, and adult? How much do human limbs and organs cost? Even better: How much is life in humans?

(Disclaimer: Please don't go out there and murder people on the streets; this is just for educational purposes. It's my goal as Orphic Dern to raise awareness of issues that appear minor on the surface but are significant on the inside. You must locate my email if you wish to communicate with me in private. People these days are untrustworthy.)

Do you know what’s the most important organ in the human body? You don’t? It’s okay! I will tell you even though it’s quite obvious. Your brain and heart is an important organ in the human body; without it you are pretty much dead. Not really rocket science at all. How many organs are in the human body? Approximately 78 organs make up the human body. Few people have extensive knowledge of these 66 organs. It is well known that the bladder,brain,heart,kidney,lung, pancreas, pituitary gland,skin, and stomach are among the twelve organs. I will demonstrate the disparity in organ costs using the currencies of the United States and Canada.

Let’s start with the bladder

Did you really think I was going to give you all of that information for free and risk getting into trouble with the law for disclosing the price of a body part to complete strangers online? Not in my opinion. You don't know the solution, but I do. Certain objects are better off being closed because people aren't sure how to act around them. Put a leash around their throat just in case.

Credits: https://byjus.com/biology/what-are-the-78-organs-in-the-human-body/#:~:text=Major%20Organs%20of%20the%20Body,vital%20organs%20of%20the%20body.

[dolugecat]

On some Japanese social issues I had learned about at uni and abroad):

(Rb ok!)

Legit had an epiphany about the true hidden meaning of the last arc of Mob Psycho 100. It’s hella projection but for real there is nothing neurotypical about Mob or Mob Psycho. I do not wish to enforce my interpretation on others (ironic bc I do that all the time but this is a serious social theory). There are some interesting and very sad social issues in Japan that the west really doesn’t understand but would I think help people understand a lot of context behind not only Mob Psycho, but also a lot of other anime. I learned this at my shitty university (prestigious but horrific) and while studying abroad in Japan and talking with Japanese peers. Get ready here we go (and tw for bullying and darker things):

Unfortunately in East Asian education systems, bullying can be extremely intense. Growing up I assumed it was over exaggerated extremely in anime for drama but it really can be so horrific. From what I’ve heard, there is often a single kid or so who is just shit on by everyone else, even the teacher. Mogami land *is* the reality of some Japanese kids. I’ve read that in Korea, this social punching bag sometimes is just the darkest skinned person (yayyy colorism /angry) and or someone who does not fit in. I mean, we have that in America too, but maybe not as common for the bullying to be as focused on one misfit rather than several. These kids just can’t escape the stigma too, kids from other schools find out they were a major victim at their old school and it starts anew. Thus there is so much stigma and incentive to join in on bullying so you aren’t the one. Sadly, this also ofc leads to higher suicide rates. That’s where the “shoe on building roof” anime trope comes in, bc somehow taking off shoes is relayed to death (I forgot why sorry)

There is a difference in how intense in general high school vs college is too. In the West, commonly college is the more intense curriculum and is harder than high school, but in Japan it’s usually the opposite. Grind suuuupppeeerrrr hard for entrance exams (huge standardized tests that determines what college you can qualify to) bc unlike the ACT or SAT here, that test is by far the most important factor for college admission. Then chill and relax a bit in college. Can’t relate. Name and prestige is very critical for job application, more important than here. That’s why planning out your future is sooo much more intense for Japanese high schoolers than in America, and why there is sooo much more pressure to excel in high school than here. Japanese school years and holidays are done different than ours, I’d suggest looking it up.

Social prestige of going to an American high school or college is nuts. Like whyyy do you value our shitty education, Japan’s is much higher quality (it’s bc we neo colonized them). Being able to speak English is very, very highly valued and any association with Americans make you cooler. From my experience, some Japanese students got very excited to practice speaking English with us, and their biggest issues with learning it is pronunciation, lmao. Wasai english is unique slang that is indeed English words but it’s kinda different and it’s kinda jarring to remember lol. So, Teru having parents that are working overseas isn’t too uncommon, idk about leaving him absolutely alone, but I did have a ex-friend who just came from Japan in middle school who’s situation probably wasn’t too far off from that. Empty wealth with no love, it’s no wonder those kind of people can end up being huge bullies (minori?)

I did a presentation on 引きこもり(hikikomori) for which means “shut in”, (like Serizawa) and it’s fucked up. It’s a social phenomena where according to some Japanese researchers a mix of undisciplined parenting, guilt/not living up to expectations, and hopelessness makes an alarming amount of youth/ young adults literally never go out side their house/room. Often a parent is “enabling” the behavior by supporting them, but idk the articles seemed a bit victim-blaming to me when I read it, but I don’t think I should make a judgement too hard, not my place. I will say I do suspect and believe I read something to support that ASD might play a role in hikikomoris (there is pitiful resources for autistic people in Asia, much much less support than even here, to the point I don’t think most know it exists). Like come on, with the other points I laid out my personal opinion as an Asian American with autism is that it really seems it’s unknowing ableism against autistic classmates, but I didn’t grow up in Asia so I don’t want to say.

Mental health in general is tragically quite abysmal in Japan, and with it being so hyper competitive and brutal work culture, it’s no surprise birth rate in Japan is so low; some Japanese young adults say it seems unethical to bring a life to such hostile world. Suicide rate is of the highest in the world. It’s fucked, I’ve interacted with some of the locals in Tokyo and they were so nice, but the business men just looked dead inside, it’s so sad.

Relationships between child and parent is also strained bc of this intense work and school culture. Quality time is too scarce when you gotta work so much. And the pressure from parents to do well in education or else you might end up socially stigmatized is rough. Bc your job is who you are, it’s hyper capitalism (thanks us for making them do this)

With autism being so unknown, support for parents in raising autistic kids is almost nonexistent. What happens if the “darker” side of ASD shows up in kids? I used to be a menace when I had meltdowns, I felt so bad but really just became so indiscriminately violent. See where this is going? Legit, I think ESP is a sort of metaphor for neurodivergance to ONE. There is so much stigma around it, and even less way for kids to understand why they are different than the others. My Korean family can’t admit we all got ASD, too much fear and internalized shame.

I got finally diagnosed with ASD as an adult and I’ll tell ya, I relate too much to Mob hurting Ritsu. I felt so bad, but also not in control, I knew what I was doing but not how to stop. Luckily, is was blessed in that my hyperfixations involved science and logic, so I did well at school. Sadly, our boy Mob just don’t got the passion or ability to do well at school. His kanji is very bad, even to point of not being confident he wrote a kanji (世) they learn when they are 9, in elementary school (thanks @katyatalks). Him being a bit berated by his parents for having bad grades and bending spoons seems harsh to Westerners I think, but IMO it’s pretty tame from what I’ve seen of some Asian parents (I get to say that lmao). Ofc, however the shaming is very real and Mob just agreeing with them about how weird and stupid he thinks he is so sad. There is even more pressure for the eldest to be better than here, I feel from some interactions. Nonetheless, it’s implied Mob is quite emotionally detached from his parents, even though he loves them, which also adds to his emotional complex. Combined with originally fragile self esteem and feelings of worthlessness, we got one emotionally stunted boy. However, contrary to common belief people with ASD are sometimes hyper empathic and experience emotions very intensely. We are prone to having “meltdowns” which if not assisted with can be quite violent if very intense. For me, my worse meltdowns as a kid came from when I didn’t understand why I wasn’t getting what I wanted, it seemed selfish and cruel of me but I couldn’t control it. I wanted to be a good kid, so why did hit my moms leg at target when she refused to buy me Pokémon toys? I couldn’t come up with a good reason for why my mind just commanded my body to do bad things, just a single thought was controlling me, I want I want I want I want I want ____. Which I argue could be what ???% represents… bc well…. Yeah….. hmm….. not in control of self (mob unconscious), selfish (not actually, I’ve forgave myself but my “normal” kid self was so ashamed), destructive, hurt family, wanting to stop but can’t, that’s kind of…. Too relatable.

But legit, since realizing my new HC, I’ve started to think of the last chapter of mp100 when I “explode” and it helps me feel better and I do gain “control” a bit easier. I don’t feel so bad anymore either, Mob!

[ratofthemedievalsewers]

Heart of Steel - Part I

DBH Connor x Male Reader

Word Count: 2.5K+

Content warning: Minor injury detail, PTSD, language

Original game dialogue I got from this video:

https://youtu.be/32Np9LKI1Vg

We were attacked in the night.

After returning from a mission back to an outpost several miles from the red zone, we removed our gear save for a few pouches on our belts we could bother with later. Our team leader set up a fire while the SQ800s, CyberLife commissioned combat androids, began loading up the trucks with extra artillery and resources. A job that could have waited until morning, but Alpha always gave the androids something to do. He said that they creeped him out when they would just stand there in a dormant state, waiting for their next mission to be given to them.

"You know what I'm going to do when I get home?"

"Here we go again."

"I'm going to get me a WR400," Foxtrot; not everyone's favourite but he certainly kept us entertained when there was nothing to do.

"Uh-huh and with what money are you going to be using to pay for this WR400? A military salary definitely ain't gonna cut it." Echo always called out Foxtrot's bullshit, he was the only one that had the patience to deal with him.

"Fine, my birthday is comin' up, if you put towards two-thirds of what it costs we can share. How does that sound?"

"I am not sharing anything with you, I don't know what diseases you carry." Their constant back forth sent chuckles through the group.

"Alright, that's enough you two. It's getting late and past everyone's bedtime, I want you all awake by O-five-hundred at the latest," Alpha would often stop them before Foxtrot would take it too far, but he could never hide the twitching smile on his face.

"Yes sir," Foxtrot mock saluted as he stood from his seat around the campfire. "Hey Echo, that offer is still-"

One moment Foxtrot had a wide grin on his face, the next there was a hole in his head between his eyes, the sound of gunshot ringing in everyone's ears.

"SHOTS FIRED! GET TO COVER NOW!"

"FOXTROT IS DOWN! I REPEAT, FOXTROT IS DOWN!"

It was dark, we couldn't see where they were firing from. The android was the only one still standing, firing off in random directions as they were gunned down. The next was Delta, shot in the left shoulder, then the throat. My gun was back in my tent and there was no chance of me getting it. Stupid.

"MEDIC! GET TO DELTA! NOW!"

"GRENADE!"

I heard the thump by my feet before I saw it. You would think it would be terrifying, to know you're staring death in the face, but for a second it was peaceful. My body was cold and I already felt like a corpse, the Rigour Mortis freezing me in place, just softly gazing at what would kill me.

Something grabbed me before the grenade exploded, saving my life but destroying the android.

The bedsheets were crumpled and soaked in sweat again when my eyes shot open. It was hard to breathe, the panic was still running through me and closing up my throat at the memory.

In; one, two, three, four. Hold; one, two, three, four. Out; one, two, three, four. Hold; one, two, three, four.

It took a few minutes for me to remember where I was. That I was home and that I was safe. Out of nervous habit, I gripped my dog tags, they were wet from the sweat that had soaked through my shirt in the night.

"Shit." It was four in the morning, there was no chance of getting any more sleep and the station wouldn't be open for another two more hours at the least. Saying that; Fowler wanted to speak to me first thing, which never meant anything good for anyone.

It was aching again at the joint. The biomechanical component always felt itchy where it joined at the elbow. Anytime I would have that dream I would scratch at it in my sleep, it was like my subconscious knew it didn't belong. It knew my rotting left arm was still in the desert somewhere being picked apart by vultures.

It's almost ironic; to be saved by an android and then to have part of one attached to me. I hated it.

*****

"Morning Cyborg, you look like shit." Gavin was forever pleasant to talk to.

"Fuck off, Reed." He constantly hovered around the coffee machine, hogging it like it was his newborn baby. "Is Fowler in yet?"

"Not yet, you in trouble?" He took his time making his coffee, exceeding in being the department's resident asshat. "Did he catch you looking at porn on your work terminal again?"

"I'm pretty sure that's only ever happened to you." Not wanting to be reminded of his previous escapades I got no response. Gavin let out a small huff before moving to the side with his fresh cup of coffee, freeing up the machine.

"Officer (L/N)." Oh for fuck's sake.

"Sir?" Captain Fowler stood outside his office, his coat half soaked from the rain.

"My office, I need to speak to you." He didn't give a second glance to me before turning and letting the glass door shut behind him.

"Ha, good luck cyborg." Shooting Gavin the middle finger, I followed Captian Fowler into his office.

"What was it you wished to talk about, sir?" Feet shoulder-width apart, back straight and hands behind my back; habits from the army were destined to die hard. Often I would find myself moving my hand up to salute before leaving the presence of a superior, something else for Gavin to make fun of.

"You're aware of the deviant cases I've assigned to Lieutenant Anderson, correct?" Fowler sat at his desk, wet coat now hung on its rack, but there was slight dampness to his suit blazer where his coat had been left open.

"Yes sir. I believe he's being accompanied by a prototype RK800 from Cyberlife."

"That's correct. I'm sure you're aware that these deviancy cases are on the more..."

"Dangerous?"

"...Unpredictable side. Now, I can't exactly issue a gun to a prototype android if it's going to be in the field and, while I value Hank as a police officer, his record is on the rougher side."

"Captain Fowler, with all due respect, I don't believe-"

"Office (L/N), with all due respect, you don't have an opinion in this matter. I want you to accompany Lieutenant Anderson in these assignments just in case a deviant becomes too much for him or this android to handle. You've certainly got the skillset for it and you're not unfamiliar with working alongside androids, unlike quite a few officers in this department."

"I understand that, but-"

"Whatever you're gonna say I don't want to hear it." Captain Fowler didn't give me a chance to argue as he stood and walked to his office door, the annoyed look on his face worsening. "Hank, in my office!"

I let out a sigh before Captain Fowler turned back to his desk. Through the office wall made of glass Hank reluctantly made his way towards us grumbling something under his breath at the request, the RK800 model obediently following behind him like a little, lost puppy. Hank sat in the chair opposite Fowler while the android stood next to me, giving a small smile as a greeting.

Captain Fowler was the first to talk, "I've got ten new cases involving androids on my desk every day. We've always had isolated incidents, old ladies losing their android maids and that kind of crap... But now, we're getting reports of assaults and even homicides, like that guy last night. This isn't just cyberlife's problem anymore, it's now a criminal investigation and we've gotta deal with it before the shit hits the fan. I want you to investigate these cases, alongside officer (L/N) and see if there's any link."

"Why me? And why do I need a god damned partner? A stupid android is already too much. Why do I gotta be the one to deal with this shit?" Props to Hank for trying, but arguing with Fowler was like talking to a brick wall. "I am the least qualified cop in the country to handle this case! I know jack shit about androids, Jeffery. I can barely change the settings on my own phone."

"Everybody's overloaded. I think you're perfectly qualified for this type of investigation," They were already starting to blow up at each other.

"Bullshit! The truth is nobody wants to investigate these fuckin' androids and you left me holdin' the bag!"

"CyberLife sent over this android to help with this investigation and I've given you (L/N) as well. You've got a state of the art prototype and a leading police officer to act as your partners."

"No fuckin' way! I don't need partners, and certainly not this plastic prick and some action hero fucker."

"Nice working with you too, Lieutenant Anderson," I said under my breath, not intending for the others to hear. Connor turned his head slightly in my direction, I could see his LED blink yellow for a moment before going back to its bright blue.

"Hank, you are seriously starting to piss me off! You are a police lieutenant, you are supposed to do what I say and shut your goddamn mouth!"

"You know what my goddamn mouth has to say to you, huh?"

"I'll pretend like I didn't hear that, so I don't have to add any more pages to your disciplinary folder 'cause it already looks like a fuckin' novel! This conversation is over."

"Jeffrey, Jesus Christ! Why are you doin' this to me? You know how much I hate these fuckin' things. Why are you doin' this to me?" Most of the department knew why he had such a distaste towards androids, no one could necessarily blame him. Ever since losing his son Hank had become completely different as both a person and an officer. Admittedly, Fowler was harsh on him, but if he wasn't then Hank would drift.

"I've had just enough of your bitching. Either you do your job or you hand in your badge. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got work to do." Hank left in a strop, letting out his frustration on Fowler's office door.

"Well then..." Connor was quick to break the tense silence. His voice caught me off guard, it was smoother, more human than any android's I had heard before. The SQ800's voices had always been more robotic than other models so it had been a shock when the androids back home had sounded so normal, it felt like that all over again. It was jarring. "I won't keep you any longer. Have a nice day captain."

Connor left and I followed behind, giving a small nod of dismissal to Fowler despite him still looking at his terminal screen.

The android went straight to Hank either oblivious or ignoring the lieutenant's current bad mood, granted there was never a time the bastard was in a good mood. Heaven itself could rain down on Detroit and he'd huff at it like a hair in his food.

"I got the impression my presence causes you some inconvenience, Lieutenant. I'd like you to know I'm very sorry about that. In any case, I'd like you to know I'm very to be working with you." Ever the enthusiast.

"I'd give in now. You're talking to a toddler in a fifty-year old's body and the toddler is having a hissy fit." I half sat and half leant against Hank's desk, using my arms to support my weight.

"Apologies, I don't believe I've introduced myself. My name is Connor, I am the android sent by CyberLife." He turned to me, a gentle and manufactured smile on his face. "It's a pleasure to be working with you too, officer (L/N). I'm sure we'll make a great team."

"Er... (Y/N) is just fine."

"Is there a desk anywhere I could use?"

"No one's using that one." Hank points to the desk opposite him, while still sulking like a child.

"Gasp, it speaks," I said in a sarcastic tone while turning to Hank.

"Fuck off. I've already got an android on my ass, I don't need you on it too."

I grabbed a terminal pad before perching myself back at the edge of Hank's desk while Connor got comfortable at the empty one. The light at the side of his head flashing yellow for a moment like he was hesitant to speak."You have a dog, right?"

"How do you know that?"

"The dog hairs on your chair. I like dogs. What's your dog's name?"

"What's it to you?" Hank shifted in his seat, "...Sumo... I call him Sumo."

"Under all those shitty shirts and questionable stains there's a warm, beating heart," I say more to myself than the other two, skimming over the recent case files sent in by Fowler.

"Officer (L/N)... (Y/N), knowing that we'd be working together I read your academy and field records. You have quite an interesting background."

"Oh yeah, then you understand that I may be a little driven to get these cases over with. I can't say I'm a fan of you terminators."

"I understand you have a... warped view of androids due to what you've experienced, but I hope you understand that I am your partner and not your enemy."

"Connor, you're not my partner, you're cyberlife's latest gizmo for us kick around." I sigh, turning to sit at my desk adjacent to hanks, taking the terminal pad with me. "Just look through the deviant case files. Terminals on your desk, knock yourself out."

They're nothing but machines. They are not your friends.

"Two-hundred and forty-three files, the first date back nine months. It all started in Detroit... And quickly spread across the country." Connor had only connected the terminal moments before.

"Don't work your CPU too hard," I mutter under my breath, catching a quick huff of amusement from Hank.

"An AX400 is reported to have murdered a man last night. That could be a good starting point for our investigation." Hank was doing his best to pretend Connor didn't exist, but the android was persistent. Connor stood from his chair and made his way into Hank's personal space.

"Uh, Jesus..." Hank turned his chair away.

"I understand you're facing personal issues, Lieutenant, but you need to move past them and-" For an android, Connor has some balls on him.

"Hey! Don't talk to me like you know me. I'm not your friend and I don't need your advice, okay?" Hank's mood had soured like milk, it wouldn't be long until Fowler was adding another page to Hank's disciplinary folder.

"I've been assigned this mission Lieutenant, I didn't come here to wait until you feel like working."

"Connor, you're just gonna-" I had wasted my breath, Hank had already stood and was grabbing onto Connor by the collar of his Cyberlife jacket and slamming against the screen next to his desk. "Hank!"

"Listen asshole. If it were up to me, I'd rather throw the lot of you in a dumpster and set a match to it. So, stop pissing me off... or things are gonna get nasty."

"Hank," I placed a hand on his shoulder to try and lightly pull him away from Connor but only earned a nasty side-eye. "Leave off him, you don't get paid enough to replace him."

"Lieutenant... Officer (L/N), uh... sorry to disturb you," Looks like the tin can was saved before Hank could knock the light out of him, "I have some information on the AX400 that killed that guy last night. It's been sighted in the Ravendale district."

"I'm on it." Hank didn't glance back when he dropped Connor's collar. The puppy dog look on his face almost made me feel bad for him... almost.

"Come on, WALL-E. Don't want to keep the old man waiting."

[fangirl-writes]

Pop Culture

Benny Weir x Reader

Request:  hey i hope ur doing well! would u be able to do a benny x fem!reader where she’s really popular and has a crush on him and isn’t shy about it. benny likes her a lot too but he’s scared that she’ll just end up leaving him for another popular kid. so she makes multiple public declarations as well as takes him on a string of extravagant dates to show him how much she truly likes him.

Warning(s): none. A lot of star wars references. Like. A LOT.

Notes: I am doing fine thank you! Sorry for taking so long with this one. This was cute. I got a little side tracked from the main request and just went all in with the star wars theme, I’m so sorry.

Y/N L/N was one of the most popular girls in school. That was undoubtable. She was a cheerleader, head of the prom committee, former homecoming queen, and her parents were one of the richest people in town.

But the fact that she had the biggest crush on Benny Weir, resident star wars lover, science wiz, and all around huge geek? Unbelievable.

Extremely unbelievable in Benny’s opinion, even if she had grown up in the house across the street from him.

And Y/N wasn’t shy about her crush on him. In fact, she was very unsubtle about it.

She left him hoards of candy in his locker, hung a bouquet of roses for valentine’s day, and stood on a cafeteria table to wish him the grandest of happy birthdays. 

“Benny!” She cooed as she walked down the hallway with some of her other friends, who were currently rolling their eyes so far into the back of their heads that the nerd squad thought they might get stuck.

“Oh, no,” Benny said, a blush spreading across his cheeks as she approached him, Ethan, and Rory, leaving her posse behind.

“Benny, I rented out the entire movie theater for a star wars marathon this weekend, if you’re free?” She asked.

Benny could barely concentrate on what she said because of how close she was. He could smell her sugary perfume and see the school fluorescents shining in her pretty (e/c) eyes.

He stumbled over his words for a minute before spitting out, “Can’t! Already got plans with Ethan, can’t back out, been planning it for months, years, a whole decade. Can’t miss it.”

“We have?”

Benny elbowed Ethan in the ribs.

“Oh. Right, those plans. Yeah.”

You frowned, looking disappointed. “Oh. Okay.”

Your smile returned for a minute. “Can we reschedule then? Is tonight good for you?”

“Ah, well, you know what-”

The screech of the school bell interrupted him and he looked relieved.

“Well, look at that, saved by the bell! Sorry, Y/N, gotta get to class.” He took off down the hallway. It was the fastest Ethan had ever seen Benny run.

You turned to Ethan, looking more devastated than ever. “He hates me, doesn’t he?”

“Who? Benny?” he replied. “No. No, he doesn’t hate you.”

“Then why does he keep giving me excuses? The old Benny would straight up turn me down...” You said, crossing your arms and staring at the floor.

Ethan put a hand on your shoulder. “Hey, Benny absolutely doesn’t hate you. He’s just...nervous, I guess.”

“Nervous?” You echoed. “About what?”

“Well, you’re really popular and he’s...well, he’s Benny. He’s just afraid that you’re gonna leave him for someone like David Stachowski.”

You pulled a face. “Hairy Dave? No thanks. He’s dog.”

“You don’t know the half of it,” Ethan muttered.

“And you guys know I’m the same Y/N, right? Just because I run with a more popular crowd doesn’t mean I stopped liking nerdy things and stopped thinking about my nerdy friends.”

Ethan laughed. “It’s just a big change from how it used to be. You don’t have braces and a star wars backpack anymore.”

You returned the laugh, remembering how you used to be. “Well, I’ll just have to prove it to him. Will you help me?”

Ethan’s face contorted. “Ah, I don’t know...”

“Come on! Help me, Ethan Skywalker! You’re my only hope!”

Ethan sighed. You got him.

“Fine.”

“Yes!” You wrapped him in a hug. “Now let’s get to class!”

***

“Is everything ready?” You asked Ethan over the phone.

“Yeah, good on your end?” He replied.

“Yep. Movie theater is set. All up to you now.”

“On it.” He said before hanging up and shoving the phone in his pocket. He took a deep breath before bursting into Benny’s house and running up the stairs frantically.

“Benny!” Ethan shouted slamming his bedroom door open.

Benny let out a high pitched scream, falling from his desk chair onto the floor.

“They’ve got Y/N!”

“What?!” Benny bolted upright. “Who’s got Y/N?”

“A couple vampires out for revenge. They must have seen us talking at school the other day. They’ve got her trapped at the movie theater-”

“What are we waiting for?” Benny said, bolting out the door passed Ethan. “Let’s go! Grandma I’m taking the car!”

Ethan waved to Benny’s grandmother as he ran passed her, following Benny out the door.

He hoped this worked.

***

Benny parked the car and was about to run into the theater, guns blazing, but Ethan caught his elbow.

“Wait, wait, we can’t just burst in there! Look!” He said, pointing to the sign that read ‘Star Wars Original Trilogy Marathon - Tonight Only!’ People stood in a line out of the theater, dressed to impress in various Star Wars get ups.

Benny cursed. “Of course, the one time we need to get in there quickly they’re having a special screening.”

“We can use the side door,” Ethan said. “And here” - he handed Benny a storm trooper helmet - “we’ve gotta blend in or they’ll see us coming.”

Benny groaned. “They could be sucking her dry right now!”

“They want us, not her. And Y/N is not helpless. And I’ve got Erica and Sarah already in there scoping the place.”

“You called them before me!”

“They’re vampires!”

Benny just grumbled and put the helmet on, crossing his arms.

Ethan rolled his eyes. “Put on the costume and let’s go.”

***

Ethan and Benny snuck through the side door, dressed fully in storm trooper get up.

“This sucks, E. I can’t see a thing in this helmet.”

“What do you want from me, B?” Ethan retorted.

He suddenly let out a gasp and turned to Ethan. “Oh my god, E. This is a New Hope. I’m Han, you’re Luke, and Y/N is Leia. Yes! This is like my perfect dream.”

Ethan groaned. “I wish I could argue with you.”

“Ethan, Benny!”

The two turned to see Sarah and Erica running their way.

“What’re you guys doing here?” Ethan asked.

“What?” Benny turned to Ethan. “You called them, right?”

“Uh-”

“There’s a bunch of vampires here. Some of Jesse’s old friends that want revenge for his death.” Sarah explained.

“They’ve got the whole place on lockdown. They’re planning on locking all the star wars nerds in here and feasting.” Erica said.

“Oh my god, this is exactly like Star Wars!” Benny gushed.

“Yeah, okay, Han Solo, chill.” Ethan said. “But that does give me an idea. Where are they hiding?”

***

Erica scowled as Ethan and Benny led them up the stairs like prisoners. “I never agreed to being Chewbacca.”

“Shh. No choice.” Ethan retorted before pushing open the door to the control room.

There were three vampires sitting in there, they were staring out the small window, watching the movie before turning to the now open door.

“Who are you? And what have you here?” One of them sneered.

“We’re with you. Had to dress up to blend in. Caught these two trying to pull the fire alarm. Thought you might want to deal with them.”

Erica hissed at them and the leader, grabbed her by the chin. “Such a pretty face. Shame we’ll have to kill you.”

Erica kneed him in the crotch, making him groan.

“Look out! They’re loose!” Benny quoted, letting go of Sarah’s arms so that she could assist in beating the crap out of the three of them.

It was a good thing that Star Wars was a rather loud movie or the crowd might have been alarmed by all of the noise.

“All right, you scum,” Benny said, grabbing one that was barely conscious. “Where’s Y/N?”

“Benny-”

“Tell me!”

“Benny!”

“What?” Benny yelled at Ethan.

“They don’t have her. This was supposed to be a surprise for you. We were gonna find her in one of the empty rooms in the theater and then she was gonna take you to an empty theater and you two were gonna watch the marathon together. But now she’s alone in a room with a bunch of vampires around.”

“What?” Benny shouted. “For the love of- You go and get her, we’ll hold them here.”

“You mean we” - Erica gestured between her and Sarah - “will hold them.”

“Yeah, whatever, just go her!”

Benny pulled off the helmet and sighed.

“She really likes you, you know.” Sarah said.

“Come on,” Benny said with a bitter laugh. “Maybe right now, but once she gets me she’ll be off to the next guy in a week. That’s how they all are.”

“Not Y/N.” Erica replied. “She doesn’t get around. Never has. Her last boyfriend was a dick so if she’s pursuing you, she must really like you.”

Benny sighed. “Yeah, I know. I’m just scared. We kinda run in two different circles now, you know?”

“And you can’t overlap? According to what? The rules of high school? The world isn’t so black and white, Benny.” Sarah encouraged.

****

Ethan rushed down the hallway, looking on the door numbers for 2187 (a number you had modified for the surprise).

“Yes!” Ethan said, reaching the door. He quickly pulled it open to find you laying there on a table, decked out in an impressive Princess Leia costume. It looked like you’d fallen asleep.

“Y/N!” He called and you sat up.

“Aren’t you a little short for a stormtrooper?” You said cheekily. “Where’s Benny?”

Ethan rolled his eyes, pulling off his helmet. “No time!”

“Come on, say the line!”

“What? No, you don’t understand-”

“Ethan! Say the line!” You whined.

He sighed. “I’m Ethan Skywalker, I’m here to rescue you.”

You grinned broadly. “Thank you.”

“But seriously, I’m rescuing you. There are vampires here, and we need to get back to Benny, Sarah, and Erica.

“What?” You shouted, processing the information.

“Sarah and Erica are vampires. Good ones. But there are evil ones here that are planning on sucking the souls out of everyone in the theater and we’ve got to get them and you out of here.”

“What? Where’s Benny?”

“Come on!” Ethan encouraged and, just like the movie, you ran out first despite not knowing where you were going.

***

You met back up with Benny, Sarah, and Erica in the hallway, as they were backed against the wall with more vampires on the way.

“Where are they all coming from?” Sarah said, spraying a holy water gun and knocking one down.

“I don’t know but I know for sure we can’t get out that way.” Benny said.

“Looks like you cut off our only escape route. All the doors are that way!” You replied.

“Oh, I’m sorry, perhaps you'd like it back in your cell, Princess Leia!” Benny bit back at you sarcastically.

“Ethan, are the sprinklers still lined with holy water?”

“I don’t know. I never did anything to take it out.”

“Let’s give it a try!” Erica said, pulling out her lighter and holding it up to the sprinkler above her head, covering herself with her leather jacket and Sarah holding up an umbrella she had been using as a weapon.

The water almost immediately started spraying out, setting off the fire alarm and soaking the vampires attacking you, burning and hissing all the way down.

“What is your problem?” You hissed at Benny.

“Well, we wouldn’t be cornered if you hadn’t lured me here! And by using Ethan! I feel betrayed!”

“Oh, I’m sorry for trying to prove to you that I like you!”

“Ha! If you really liked me you wouldn’t have become so popular! Leaving your real friends to rot in geek town!”

“That wasn’t my fault! I did what I liked! You guys are the ones who thought I needed to change just because I did similar activities to the other rich kids!”

“Guys!” Ethan interrupted. “Not the time! We need a way out. Now.”

“Oh for the love of-” You rolled your eyes and opened up the trash cute. “Everybody in!”

“Ew. Do we have to go full star wars?” Sarah asked.

“Would you rather chance the holy water river?” You replied, pointing to the floor that was slowly filling up with more water.

“Good point. Let’s go!”

Sarah entered first, followed by Erica, then Ethan, then you, then Benny.

You all were spit out into the dumpster that was full of candy wrappers, old popcorn, and soda cups.

Erica toppled into Sarah and Ethan rammed into her. You managed to avoid their collision only to have Benny slam into you from behind.

You all groaned at the impact and rolled around for a minute, picking popcorn and sticky candy out of your hair and clothes.

“Oh, I’m gonna need a shower.” Ethan groaned.

“After this I think you all deserve a spa.” You said. “I’ll buy.”

“You better.”

“Well, that was not how I foresaw this night going,” You said, standing up with the others and pulling a candy wrapper out of your hair.

Benny stood up, picking garbage off his clothes, and let out a chuckle. “What? Did you think that I was gonna give in just because of your big gesture?”

You turned on him with fiery eyes. “Would you just get it through your thick skull? I like you, okay? I’m not gonna break up with you in a week, I’m not gonna cheat on you, I��m not gonna try to convert you to a jock. Benny I’ve liked you since third grade! I just got enough confidence to tell you and you keep avoiding me every chance you get! If you don’t like me would you just tell me? It would save me a lot of time and money!”

“Not that that would be a problem for you, rich girl!”

“Well, I’m sorry my parents are wealthy! I’m sorry you live with your grandmother and not in a mansion! We’re different but quit painting me as the villain in your pathetic hero story!”

You both were fuming at each other. Erica, Sarah, and Ethan were standing with wide eyes watching this go down.

“Well, maybe if you had just stuck with your real friends we wouldn’t be in this situation!”

“I did! You guys are the ones who treated me like I’d been converted to a cult!”

“Not much different!”

“What is your problem with popular people? You have some sort of nerd code that says you can’t get along with them? Weren’t you the one who was friends with David Stachowski?”

“That’s a different story! He chose us!”

“So did I!”

“No. You didn’t choose us, you chose to have sleepovers with the cheerleaders and go to country club parties and be homecoming queen!”

“I can have more than one group of friends, you know? But do you know who I had hoped would be there for me when I needed it? You guys. Ethan was. You’re the one who keeps running away from me!”

“Well, I’m sorry I think I’m not good enough for you!”

“You’ve always been good enough for me!”

“Well, then I guess I’m saying yes!”

“To what?”

“Everything. All of it. Every date you’ve asked me on, every invitation to a dance, every declaration of love. Yes. I love you. Yes.”

Tears were in your eyes now and you threw yourself into his arms, burying your face into his neck.

Benny hugged you back, as tightly as he could without hurting you.

“You smell like garbage,” you whispered.

He laughed. “So do you.”

Suddenly there was clapping from behind you.

You turned to see Erica slow-clapping. “Well, as much fun and as that rom-com moment was. Can we get out of the dumpster now?”

And you did.

It was safe to say your Leia dress was probably ruined, but you would probably keep it anyway.

Benny held your hand all the way to the car.

You hoped this was the start of something wonderful.

[garrothromeave]

let’s talk about minecraft diaries rebirth.

and why it’s literally amazing. (warning: this will contain spoilers. lots of them. also, long post ahead.)

i think a lot of people hate mcdr because they were expecting a remake; but the point of rebirth is for jess to rewrite it. it wasn't supposed to be exactly the same.

honestly i went into mcdr with a closed mind. as an og mcd fan, i thought that this was going to suck ass and that i'd rant about how bad it was to my friends later. but actually watching it, i just... couldn't help but immediately fall in love with it.

ik im probably the only motherfucker that likes mcdr, but honestly how could i not? for one, garroth and zenix actually have personalities at the beginning. AND; the villagers? actually amazing. donna made me smile, visher made me laugh and cry, brendan was just bein as good as ever. like... i even didn't despise emmalyn with every ounce of my soul like i usually do?? the characterizations of them were GOOD, man.

and honestly, aphmau like--the way she spoke, her whole thing. it was reallyyy well done in my opinion. she was oblivious to things, but it wasn't overdone and wasn't done in a way to make her annoying. she's a very appealing character in mcdr, a main protagonist i do not mind following along with. her dynamics to the characters are really cool and all very unique.  gonna cut it here so i don’t clog y’all’s feed cuz i got a lot to say :)

the early use of aphmau’s powers was actually pretty cool as well, it also really showed how clueless aphmau really was to everything going on around her. AND UH, THE FACT THAT SHE THOUGHT THAT GARROTH FELT FAMILIAR? GOLDEN. absolutely golden.

AND GENE OH BOY, the early introduction of gene? ik a lot of people are upset about it, but god DAMN i love it so much. his role in the story is very important in original, and i cannot express how much joy this brought me learning that he was actually getting the proper attention for it. and the fact that gene and aphmau were working together?? i mean ik gene was just trying to use her to get back to the "shadow abyss" (pretty pog replacement for the nether, gg) but god DAMN i loved every moment of it. i found their dynamic to be pretty fuckin funny to be honest, would absolutely love to see more of it.

i might be biased considering gene is one of my absolute favorite characters, but i honestly think that introducing gene this early on in the story was a good move. again, he's literally the right-hand man to the shadow lord. it makes you really wonder why he didn't have as much of an important role in season 1 or even 2 of the original mcd plotline. also, we get some of that good-ol-fashioned exposition with seeing early on how vylad and gene interact. vylad’s at a very strange point in the story right now; his motives are unclear, even to the side he’s ‘supposed’ to be taking (aka, a shadow knight.)  another early introduction to a character is zane! this, my friends, is good. really good. i’d say that zane is the main antagonist of season 1 in the original series--and he wasn’t even introduced until like, episode 50. it’s not necessarily a bad thing, but him being introduced this early on really gives the audience a better understanding of what threats are out there and what our protagonist will have to encounter in the future. in the original series, there’s not much explanation as to why lords are disappearing/dying left and right--and while yes, that was supposed to be the mystery of it, having some of that early information is a better move in terms of writing. 

AND IVAN?? BEING A PART OF THE JURY OF NINE?? I COULD NOT HAVE ASKED FOR ANYTHING MORE LIKE GOD DAMN that was a very pleasant surprise i'll just say that, thank you jess :)

and no i did not loop the 4 minutes of screentime laurance got in that one episode haha who would do that i would never do that anyways

SPEAKING of laurance, im so glad jess actually wrote him in this early :) she totally could have just waited for the first time aphmau visits meteli and meets him there, but no! she put him in an early episode. i dont even care if she did it just to shut up the fans about laurance but man that made me so happy seeing him, even if it was only for a bit.

okay i kinda wanna go over the guards real fast firstly; garroth. ignoring how weird the helmet showing emotions is, i really like how garroth is portrayed. he's under a lot of pressure because the village is putting a lot of the blame on him for malik's death, and he's trying his hardest to keep things running. the fact that garroth utterly refused the to take up the position of lord and even got a little snappy about it was actually really cool to see as well. and while he doesn’t have that same “reserved, quiet, observant” feel as the original mcd version of him had, this version of garroth is absolutely awesome. he’s more direct and blunt, is significantly more sarcastic, and isn’t as stiff or as much as a pushover as he is in the original. he even has a sense of humour. also, no homo, but he’s kinda adorable.  plus, the desperation that he goes through during the whole thing is just--it’s really cool to see how hard he’s trying to prove himself and help the village. my rating for mcdr garroth? 9/10. the helmet... the helmet is the main thing throwin me off, i can’t lie. next, zenix. oh BOY do i have a lot to say about this man. first of all, his and garroth’s dynamic is incredible. when i saw how the interacted with each other, my first thought was: father and son. zenix has this immaturity to him that is so fucking fun and interesting to watch, and seeing how garroth scolds him is so fuckin good man. and! seeing how he interacts with the rest of the village... honestly, if jess ever picks this story up again, i would probably cry when zenix (literally) backstabs garroth. HELL, i hope that’s something that still happens, it’d be heartbreaking to witness this character that we’ve come to love hurting his mentor, the man who took him in. he’s just a really good character all in all, and much more appealing than the original mcd zenix. ...except season 3 zenix. no zenix can be better than that one.  either way, zenix is amazing written to be the comic relief and he’s just an all-out lovable character in this series.  finally, dale and brian. yes i’m going to group them up because there’s not much to say regarding them, but i do want to address them. for starters, we have brian; who’s already 16 when the story starts. good on jess for doing that, because in the original aphmau watched brian be born and age INCREDIBLY quick, haha. THOUGH i do feel like there’s a slight connection lost there--one of the hardest things about brian’s betrayal in the original series in the fact that we watched him grow up in phoenix drop. we were there from the moment he was born, to the second he betrayed phoenix drop. BUT OF COURSE, this version is a lot more realistic, so it’s understandable. i just think that if it’s brian who’ll be betraying phoenix drop again (if it even goes down that same route), it won’t hit as hard unless jess really takes the time to grow the connection between brian and aphmau.  as for dale; gotta admit, love it. and like, i think one of the main things about how good of a call it was to make him a drunkard from the beginning is considering how much the village is struggling. the fact that the second-in-command is literally drunk all of the time really conveys the message of, “yeah. this village needs help.” plus, he’s another good comic relief character. i loved seeing molly and dale’s relationship too, it was very funny.  PLUS. we were blessed with a well scene, in which aphmau had to help villagers out of the well. i don’t know about you guys, but that was one of my favorite nods to the original series. i cannot thank jess enough for that, there was a smile on my face the entire time. another amazing thing--visher’s character. instead of just being introduced to this quirky lil merchant who only had one or two interactions with aphmau like in the first one, we got to sit there and really get a feel for someone worth remembering and worth mourning over. we had a reason to be sad over his death, it wasn’t just some npc getting blown up suddenly. this was different, and this hurt.  one of the major things that i hope is to come out of this is for jess to fix the major mistakes she had when writing the first series. she’d expressed how unhappy she was with some of the decisions she made, and i’m glad that she’s getting that second chance to undo the things she didn’t like. this series also gives her a second chance to really, really dig into characters and their motives. like, gimme laurance backstory in better detail. or like, garroth and zane’s relationship from back when they were kids? or how vylad died and who killed him? etc etc. she’s already done an excellent job so far, and i can’t wait to see where this goes. that is, if she ever continues it. god, i wish there were more episodes so that i could seriously let you guys know how beautiful of a series this is. there’s so much i want to say about rebirth, but i think i’ll stop here. i might say some more shit about it later, but if there’s anything i’d want you to take away from this, it’s: give minecraft diaries rebirth a chance. there’s a lot of potential, and this is a chance for jess to really change things for the better! ... but again, that is if this ever is continued. 

[kayxleeee]

Steve Rogers: The Man Out Of Time (Steve Rogers x Reader!)

Warning: NONE! FLUFFFFFFF Just Sad Steve and a moment of a nosey Romanoff .

A/N: Love this one to death! Still contemplating on if I should make  a second part.

Summary: After the teams attempt to try and stop Ultron and failing horribly, you all find yourselves at the Barton’s Family farm. Steve is shooken up about his vision, and is  reflecting on the life that he will never have. This was a side of Cap you never  really seen before, he had never been this venerable with anyone. He was the one who held the team together and called everyone out on their bullshit. You find yourself consoling him, possibly blossoming a friendship into something more. 

Word Count: 1k+

“Hey you.” You say standing in the doorway of the Barton’s spare bedroom. 

“Hi.” Steve says lowly not looking up at you. He was sitting at the edge of the bed, visibly upset looking down at his already folded hands. 

“What happened out there ?” You say referring to the squabble he and Tony had while breaking down wood for Laura. Steve got pretty pissed very quickly, which was kinda unusual for him, since he has always been the level headed one.

“It was nothing, I’m fine.” He sighs not breaking his focused gaze from his hands.

“Oh yeah, I can totally tell you are Steve. Just a typical ray of sunshine.” You say sarcastically hoping to lighten his mood. 

The situation with Ultron was spiraling out of control, and that witch bitch only made matters  one-hundred percent worse. From the visions, to the ambush, to the media buzz, you weren’t sure if the avengers would even recover. It was obvious that this new mission to stop Ultron was too much for even the strongest of the bunch, which was understandable, but still alarming.

“Come on.” You sigh leaning against the doorframe crossing your arms trying to examine his face. “You can talk to me, you don’t always have to be the most levelheaded one in the room. And plus I won’t leave you alone unless you tell me what’s up.”

“Now that I can believe.” He huffs out a small chuckle looking up at you, then takes a deep breath. “It’s all just a bit overwhelming.” He admits.

“Yeah I know this all may seem like a lot, but Tony meant well by building Ultron. He—“

“That’s—that’s something we can fix.” He says shaking his head. “I wasn’t, I mean I’m not that worried about Ultron because I have faith we will win that fight.” He says this then looks back down at his hands in his lap. “We just gotta figure out how.”

You sigh as you look at him confused hoping that he’d continue and share his thoughts. You were relived that he was ready to fight Ultron, together, and glad he had faith that the team would win; But if it wasn't Tony creating Ultron that bothered him it was something so much bigger. 

It was the vision. 

This made you gravely concerned about what he saw, what could be making him react this way, so solemn and hot headed. You walk all the way into the small farm house bedroom and sit next to him on the full sized bed, putting a hand over his own.

“Steve, talk to me.” You encourage him in a soft voice, giving his hand a squeeze. 

This was all very knew territory, so you were shocked when he looked up at you through glossy eyes, before opening his mouth to speak again.

“I just can’t get it out of my head. I can’t stop thinking about it.”

“About what Steve? The vision? Because that’s what they want, the twins, Ultron, they want us all to be off our game Steve. None of what you saw was real.” You say reassuring him by caressing your thumb over his hands.

“That’s the problem, it wasn’t real...but it- I’m the man out of time.”

“The man out of time?” You question repeating after him. You frown at the dumb catch phrase everyone seemed to use to describe Steve as. “What did you see?”

“I was with… with, her.” He sighs getting up from his position on the bed and walking over to the window. “It’s this, this whole secret life Bartons been living.” He pushed the cream colored curtains aside slightly gazing out the window. “I just wish that things could be different, that maybe I could… be happy like them.”

It dawned on you finally why he was upset. Steve never got the opportunity to live his life, in his time. He was so busy trying to prove himself or be the person everyone else wanted him to be. When he finally got a chance to show what he was made of— well he obviously got he short end of the stick. And now, well he’s so busy saving the world he’s barley even gotten a chance to live it now. He has told you about Peggy once or twice  and how he fell in one with her, but you never thought he’d be so upset now.

“Steve…” You say not necessarily knowing what to say. You get up from the bed and walk over to him putting a hand on his shoulder. You turn your gaze outside the window to see Laura and Clint cuddle up on their yard, watching their children play. 

He lets out a sigh. “That witch, the girl, the vision she gave me. It just felt so real,” He takes a deep breathe and turns to you. “I’ll never have that and the vision, it just made me think of just how much I missed… how much I’m missing.” 

You sigh and decide to pull him into a hug immediately. You couldn't even try to pretend to know what he was going through. He doesn’t hug back right away, but in time he does. He rest his chin on the top of your head  and holds you tight taking a deep breath inhaling shakily as you rub circles around his back. The two of you stay like this for a moment, while you gathered the correct words that you wanted to say, without making him feel worse. You hoped he didn’t mind your silence  and  hoped that maybe he needed this quiet and this closeness, just to feel someone was there with him.

After a few more moments you finally speak still holding on to him.

 “Steve, you’re not a man out of time, I really hate that saying. It literally makes no sense to me because - not the point. What I am trying to say is you have multiple people here in this time who care about you and want to see the best for you,  myself included.” You finally say as you pull away from him slightly so that you were able to get a good look at his face.” I think I’m the one rooting for you the most.”

It was true, you heavily looked up to Steve, and not just because he was taller or because he was the leader... But because he was truly a good man and always had good intentions.  You would follow him into the trenches if he told you to, that's how much you trusted him and this is why it hurt you to see him so distraught. 

 You continue to speak. “I love you Steve, I really do, but your problem is you put the needs of others before your own.” You look at him as he looks at you, his blue eyes peering into your own as the wheels in his head begin to turn. You continue, “Honestly tell me, have you ever asked yourself what you wanted and just let yourself have it?” 

He’s now looking  at you in shock or confusion, either way his eyes were peering hard into yours as he thinks for a moment. 

He frowns and shake his head no, then says, “I guess not… I’ve been so wrapped up in saving the world, I never really got a chance.” He says this with his hands still comfortably wrapped around you.

“Well I think you oughta think about that one mister.” You say giving him a smile and a quick peck on the cheek, about to pull him back in for another hug—

“Oh there you two are.” Natasha says as she peeps her head into the  door way. You both turn to her still very close to one another. Her face goes from flat, too surprised, then back to normal. The two of you let go of each and move apart. You were calm, while Steve looked embarrassed.

“Don't stop on my account love birds.” She says with a smirk.

“ Everything alright Natasha?” Steve says clearing his throat trying to ignore her comment.

The smirk never leaves her face and she shakes her head “Fury is here, meeting in 5.” She says popping her head out just as fast as she popped in.

“Love birds? Jeez you’d think men and women can’t be just friends.” You scoff shaking your head looking at Steve who was turning red.

“Well… that’s Natasha for you.” He says kinda sounding awkward.

You continue, “She’s one to talk, have you seen the eyes her and Banner have been givin each other ? It’s gross.” You laugh.

“Yeah, we better get out there then…” He drifts seeming as if he wants to drop the conversation entirely.

“We should.” You say now feeling uneasy at Steve’s awkwardness, but decide to backtrack quickly before heading out of the room by saying, “ Hey listen, I still want you to think about what you want Steve. Really think about it and then just go for it!” You say emphasizing the word you.

“Thanks for this (Y/n), I think I have somewhat of a idea of what that is now.” He stares at you for a moment more, then looks away. Which surprisingly gave you butterflies because he had never looked at you that way before, it was different.

“Well- that, that  was easy enough.” You fumble on your words before taking a deep breath and gaining your composure. “ Will you share with the class anytime soon?” You say trying to ignore the feeling as your face heats up.

“Maybe later.” He says with a sincere smile. “Sometimes it’s just nice to know I have people here for me.” He shoves his hands in his pocket and nods his head towards the doo. “Let’s go.”

“Of course Steve.” You nod feeling relived, that he was feeling better. You walk towards the door with him close behind. “Maybe we can set you up with a secret farm too.” You chuckle a bit.

“Oh shut up.” He says throwing his head back with a chuckle realizing you were what he needed.

“Do you like goats and stuff?” You laugh.

“(Y/n)!” He chuckles again as you both walk down the hallway into the living room where the meeting was being held.

-

Thoughts, Comments,  or Opinions :)

[blazingfirepig113]

Love is a curse

(gojo x gender neutral reader)

“I know that you’re wrong for me

Gonna wish we never met

on the day I leave”

This is bad.

Gojo thought the moment he felt his heart flutter when he heard (y/n) let out a merry laugh at whatever one of the students spouted out.

This is so so so bad...what a cruel cruel thing.

Gojo glanced away from the sight, scared that if he looked any longer, his heart would explode.

How utterly pathetic.

How utterly pathetic how if (y/n) asks for anything, he’ll give them everything.

Absolutely everything he could give.

If Gojo could buy the world, he’d give it to them.

Why me? Shit, what a stroke of bad luck.

Gojo had cursed every moment his heart fluttered.

“Gojo-san, are you okay? You look like you need to shit.” (y/n) asked, placing a hand on Gojo’s shoulder.

Kind yet blunt. (y/n) was a different breed.

They were brave and strong, able to face situations that can have other’s shaking on the spot.

They were fun and creative, able to lift the mood with just a few words.

And the sharp tongue (y/n) was blessed with...or cursed, some may think, had them caught in terrible situations, sometimes ending with Gojo having to save them.

But everything about them, everything about (y/n), may it be their sharp tongue or the bell-like peals of laughter that accompanied them wherever they went, made Gojo’s heart flutter, constrict, as a flash of fondness, warmth, and softness filled him.

But he knew, from the start, that this fluttering on his heart, this feeling, was bad news.

“Ever so blunt, (y/n). Where’s the class?” Gojo pouted while (y/n) rolled their eyes at him.

“Shitting is normal, Gojo-san. You can’t tell me you don’t shit out all those diabetic sweets you eat.” (y/n) said, crossing their arms over their chest.

Gojo’s gaze lingered on them for a second, his eyes sparkling with an emotion not visible to anyone else because of his blindfold.

Why does it have to be me, (y/n)? Why do you have to be so damn attractive?

Gojo grabbed the reins for his thoughts before it went too far, hiding his clear displeasure with a mocking grin.

“I suppose you’re right. Gotta hand it to you, (y/n) for being so smart.” Gojo praised as he slung his long arm around (y/n)’s shoulder, ignoring the fluttering of his heart; ignoring whatever feelings he had.

Because it’s no good.

(y/n) narrowed their eyes at Gojo.

“Are you mocking me?” They asked flatly, not at all bothered by how close Gojo was.

Gojo felt relieved and hurt at that;

He felt relieved because it was only him who was affected by (y/n) while they remained indifferent...and hurt because of that same reason, because it was only him who was affected.

“Not at all, (y/n). You’re a keen individual, gifted with a talented mind and a sharp tongue…” Gojo trailed off, removing his arm from (y/n)’s shoulder.

He then proceeded to walk away from them, only to dramatically glance back at (y/n) when he was a good few feet away.

“Honestly, all I have is praises for you.” He said, sending them a grin before facing forward and waving for (y/n) to come and follow.

“Come on, let’s buy some dango and sweet tea.” He ushered, acting as if his heart was racing...acting as if (y/n) didn’t make him feel things.

It’s better this way.

If Gojo had glanced back at that moment, he would’ve seen the mask of indifference fall off (y/n)’s face. And he would’ve seen the light tint on their cheeks as a small fond smile painted their face.

“I don’t even like sweet tea, it tastes like water with sugar.”

And Gojo pushed the growing feelings in his chest as he let out a laugh that sounded more in pain than happy.

“I brought you down to your knees

Cause they say that misery loves company”

“If it’s hurting you so much, then just fucking tell them already.” Shoko said, rolling her eyes as she took a long drag from her lit cigar.

The stress Gojo was putting her plus the usual stress from work, had brought her back to smoking.

“I can’t...nor do I want to.” Gojo huffed like a hard headed child.

Shoko let out a sigh as she purposely blew smoke at Gojo’s face.

“If you’re not gonna do it, then stop bitching about it. Don’t drag me down on your little train of misery.” She said.

Shoko deeply cared for Gojo, she did. But he was destroying himself because of his feelings and she’d prefer it if he didn’t drop his emotional burden on her.

Saying what she wanted to say, Shoko had dropped her cigar before stomping on it.

“Face your feelings before they kill you.”

“It’s not your fault I ruin everything

And it’s not your fault I can’t be what you need”

Gojo had wanted to offer (y/n) a shoulder to cry on. He wishes he could.

But he couldn’t. He wouldn’t allow himself.

Because he was scared.

Scared that if he offered (y/n) his shoulder to cry on, he’d only fall deeper for them.

“Stop crying, (y/n). You’re fully aware that life as sorcerer’s is dangerous. We face death all the time.” Gojo said, arms crossed over his chest as a way to stop them from reaching out for (y/n).

(y/n) glanced up at Gojo, nose red and tear stains on their cheeks.

They let out a shaky pained laugh as they wiped their nose and cheek with the sleeve of their shirt.

“Shesh, no need to be so cold…” (y/n) choked out, throat dry.

It took all of Gojo not to engulf them in a warm hug, tell them that it’s okay...that he was there for them.

“Can’t you comfort me, Gojo-san?” (y/n)’s voice was small as they hugged their knees to their chest.

Gojo bit the inside of his cheeks to not cave in to (y/n)'s plea.

“No. I’m not going to give you the comfort that you want, (y/n). Grow up and face that this is the reality we live in.” He said, rather harshly.

(y/n)’s shoulders sag as they buried their face on their knees, letting out a broken laugh.

“How cruel of you, Gojo-san…” (y/n) murmured, their voice muffled.

Gojo gritted his jaw so hard, that he was worried he might break his teeth.

“Get used to it.”

This is the only way.

Gojo thought as he turned on his heel, walking away as (y/n)’s sob racked through the room.

He walked away with a heart too heavy for him to carry.

“Baby, angel’s like you can’t fly down here with me

I’m everything they said I would be”

“(y/n) had transferred to the Kyoto school...they were running low on staff and they had offered to go.” Shoko suddenly informed the snowy haired man one day.

Gojo hummed, acting indifferent despite the bleeding pain in his heart.

He already knew that.

After all, (y/n) had told him they were going.

“Gojo-san, I’ve been offered a position in the Kyoto school…” (y/n) had approached him one day.

Gojo fast steps faltered for a second, before they shifted into a lazy shuffle as his heart dropped to his feet.

“And? Why should I care? Why are you even informing me of this?” Gojo asked, voice emotionless.

He halted and glanced back to see (y/n) bow their head, a small smile on their face.

“I knew you’d ask that….” They murmured.

“I just wanted you to know....I wanted to hear your opinion on it….”

Gojo wanted to tell them to stay. Don’t go.

But he could not allow himself.

Instead, he ignored the sharp pain in his heart and waved dismissively at them.

“Do what you want. I’m not your dad or teacher.” Gojo said dismissively.

Dismissing (y/n). Dismissing his feelings.

Because, as he constantly reminded himself, this was the only way.

When Gojo had moved to walk away, (y/n) spoke up.

“I know I’m not anyone important to you…” They trailed off, biting their lower lip.

No, you’re the most important person to me…

Gojo bit his tongue to prevent himself from saying things that will only make his heart bleed more.

“But Gojo-san is someone very important to me…” (y/n) said as they placed a hand on their chest with a sad smile.

Gojo willed his face to not falter.

Don’t falter now.

“Everyone’s saying how Gojo-san’s so mean and arrogant...a prideful prick, they say….”

Gojo wanted to laugh, because it was true.

Hearing (y/n) practically calling him a prick made the pain in his chest lessen just a tiny bit.

“But I think you’re very kind.”

Gojo jolted in surprise.

“An arrogant piece of shit, yeah...you are one…” (y/n) said, chuckling a bit.

“But you’re a very kind arrogant piece of shit….that’s why I-”

“Don’t say it, (y/n). Don’t you dare say it...please.” Gojo said, quickly moving to clamp a hand on (y/n)’s lips, ignoring how his heart stuttered.

(y/n) roughly shrugged his hand away, holding his wrist.

“Why shouldn’t I say it? It’s the truth.” They said, eyes soft and gentle.

Gojo pulled away, stepping a few steps back, head hung low.

“Because I don’t want to hear it.” He said, voice cracking.

(y/n) took in a deep breath before sighing.

“Alright….but you already know what I was going to say…” (y/n) trailed off.

“Don’t worry, Gojo-san...I’ll be out of your hair immediately….”

“I’m sorry for wasting your time. I guess this is goodbye…”

Gojo didn’t dare raise his head. He didn’t-couldn’t.

Because if he did, he knew he’d ask (y/n) to stay….and (y/n) would. They would stay.

“Goodbye….Gojo Satoru-san.”

With that said, (y/n) was gone, leaving without a trace and taking Gojo’s injured heart with them.

“Why didn’t you ask them to stay?” Shoko asked, knowing that Gojo was hurt upon (y/n) departing.

“Because…” Gojo trailed off, no longer able to hold back the clogging and drying of his throat as his eyes stung with tears.

He never did get to finish his sentence because he had broken down after that.

Shoko had offered him some comfort, already knowing what he was going to say.

Because I can’t love them freely….because my love would be my weakness and I couldn’t bear the thought of putting (y/n) in harm's way...all because I’m in love.

Because if I were to love (y/n), I’d may as well have cursed them.

Because love is the most twisted curse of them all.

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket,Se03, Ep 8 (part 2)

I finally got my answer on how will kyo’s confession of kyoko will be & how tohru will react. I love the writing, the pacing, the monologue, the dialogue, the facial expressions, tohru’s reaction, kyo’s rejection & tohru’s shock. Even yuki & akito’s involvement! All of it was a chef’s kiss!

I went & watched lots of eps of se01 & 2 & I’m loving all the hints they dropped abt kyo & how his trauma was looming over him all. this. damn. time! Unfortunately, it has reminded me of how much tohru’s own character exploration was diminished in favor of her being the angelic mother & the sohma’s fixer! but moving on & focusing on her shining moment now! I’ll explore her character here with regards of her trauma, real hidden character & future development.

Kyo’s rejection is the best thing that has ever happened to tohru:

(don’t hate me before you read!) XD~ just like you, I’m mad at kyo for hurting tohru & I feel her pain. However, the writer didn’t write this with a sadistic desire to hurt us. Kyo’s rejection is the core of the entire story as it is not only connected to kyo’s trauma, but tohru’s growth & yuki’s emotional involvement with the two, as well as akito’s insecurities. I have explained in my review( part 1) how kyo rejecting tohru was a logical progression of kyo’s trauma, the only possible outcome from his perspective, & the themes tied with such decision. Now, I’ll explain why this rejection is good for tohru in the long run:

1. Showing the hidden ugly side: (The timid, shy, self-sacrificing girl is angry!): Tohru’s entire consciously constructed personality is borrowed from elements in her mom & dad’s life:

She mimicked her dad’s overly polite style to prove that she is indeed his daughter, so her mom won’t be called w*ore & to console her mom, so she wont leave her. She has deep low self-worth issues. I gotta become someone else to be loved.

she has inner fear of bringing shame to her mom’s name, wants to always be the good girl so mom’s get praised for raising her. Thus, hiding ugly aspects such as anger, loud voice & frustration.

She wants to prove that her mom chose right by not neglecting her. wishes to be worth needing & loving for her own self.

All she ever wanted since being a 4 year old child is her mom. No other desire for anything else at all. Since her mom’s death, she’s been lost on what to do, who to be, what to want! then it came to her to stick to her mom’s memory & live for her. Living for a dead person is a self-sacrifice decision. Tohru just didn’t see herself outside of her mom’s influence.  

Ever since meeting kyo, he has been encouraging real aspects of her character: be selfish, complain, cry, get mad, yell, look pathetic, expose unflattering thoughts, show undesirable side, ask for things, no, DEMAND things. She has been reluctantly following his advice & only showing that to him. His confession & inability to accept her love has lead her to show the real hidden tohru behind the “ i’m okay” mask:

The timid, always smiling girl is now showing anger, frustration, stubbornness & determination.

screaming her heart out: “ i don’t believe my mom would say that” stating her opinion in firm voice.

 “even if she did, I have to go against her” the real tohru shows her explosive personality that was buried deep down! it is NOT mom’s life anymore. It is MINE. I decide. I choose. I want. My decisions.

“ why can’t you see that?” argues with him. Tohru, who is soft-spoken & tends to get flustered  when others insist, is now questioning his decision with passion & fierceness!

“ I love you no matter what”. Say what toy want. look at yourself as a monster, a murderer, a loser or a coward. I don’t care what your brain or trauma makes you think. I see the real YOU & it is my decision! I love you ugly & pretty, sad & happy, broken or strong, coward or brave. I take it all & no one is fooling me or changing my mind. I’m my own person & I chose YOU. 

 2. Letting go of attachments: Learning to LIVE:

Tohru’s attachment to her mom isn’t healthy. It’s  toxic as it hinders her from being her own person. To be able to love kyo, she lets go of “ listening to mommy’s words” . Apparently, her mom condemned kyo as unforgivable. Tohru knows the real kyo & doesn’t even care for forgiveness despite her mom’s alleged words. Breaking the toxic bond. She formed a healthier bond with kyo. However, if kyo is unable to accept this love. what would tohru do? die?? kill herself?? kyoko wasn't able to continue to love her husband cuz he died. her reaction was neglecting her daughter & roaming away in utter grief. Tohru mustn’t follow her mom’s example. Not all loved ones leave us out of hate. Some leave each other cuz of death (kyoko/tohru), ( kyoko/ katsuya), Others might leave each other out of current traumatic pain, mental health, emotional hindrance despite loving each other so dearly (kyo/tohru). If kyo despite his immense love to tohru, can’t forgive himself, they won’t be together. tohru can cry, scream, yell, but if he doesn't overcome his issues & come back, tohru gotta let go. She gotta learn to let go & not kill herself over what she cant have.

Kyo, on the opposite, gotta learn to hold on to loved ones! Let go of pain but hold on to real ppl not dead ghosts of the past. He must learn to act on his own desire & need for tohru. Only when he forgives himself, he’ll hold on to her. It is then, that tohru will decide again if she’ll have him or not.

3- Wanting things doesn't mean you WILL have them: (You are enough by yourself- moderation)

tohru wants kyo, the first thing she has ever wanted. However, she won’t  automatically get him just because she now learned to demand things. There are obstacles that can stop that. Tohru must accept kyo’s inability to be with her now & live healthily regardless. This ties to akito as well. She wants the zodicas but she cant have them! Emotional distance separate them. What will akito do if she can’t have what she wants? kill kurno? kill tohtru? kill herself? will this bring the zodiacs back? NO. You are enough by yourself. She needs to let go & learn to accept that love means acceptance between the involved parties, emotional connection isn't enough.

-Realistic depiction of romantic relationship progression: (thro better & worse). EPIC writing!

It is indeed fate that brought tohru back in kyo’s path 4 months after her mom’s death & the they do share a mutual past: kyoko. However, fervor grateful to the author for writing them falling in love together isn’t due to fate, coincidence, mutual past or similar personalities. Kyo consciously avoided tohru while tohru herself struggled to understand kyo initially. The author spend valuable time building their romantic relation based on mundane daily life activities. They themselves don’t quite know when exactly that they fell in love. when they recalled falling in love, we see them cooking together, talking, walking, eating, studying & opening up abt small struggles.

It is genius that the writer will add yet another realistic aspect. While kyo was able to read tohru & approach her when she’s down, this doesn't mean he magically understood her & will forever be on the same page & never ever hurt each other at all. If you fell in love, you are bound to be hurt by the person who loves you back as much as be happy together. It is realistic!!! Adding miscommunication & personality differences enrich the relationship. This relationship isn’t just fluffy & lovey dovey. They have realistic issues that they need to work on by communicating. Even communication  wont solve their quarrel if it isn’t done in the right time & with the right desire to connect.

-The weight & future lessons learned from of “ I’m disappointed in you” for both kyo & tohru:

Right now kyo is too emotional to connect & tohru herself is too emotional to understand his response. Tohru understands his pain but her low self-esteem prevents her from seeing that he is rejecting being loved , not rejecting her. He is not rejecting tohru as a person but rejecting kyo as a person deserving love. Thanks to his “ i’m disappointed in you” which really leaves no room for interpretation from tohru’s perspective. I love that!!!! Kyo isn’t good with words. This has been clear from ep 1, his actions has always been his love language, but now he couples bad words “ i’m disappointed in you” with bad actions: running away. This is a perfect opportunity to build their future relationship on a solid foundation: ( off course I’m not belittling their current emotions, I understand why each is very broken now, but I’m talking abt future learning lessons)

Kyo’s current mistake: While him rejecting tohru is justified by the extreme trauma & is logical from his perspective. This doesn’t mean it isnt’t hurtful to her. He chose hurtful words to push her away mimicking how he pushed her in the true form arc. Perfect example of justified mistake yet still a wrong mistake. Thus, kyo needs to learn the effect of his words, he shouldn’t be punished for the past, for tings her cant control, nor for fate. But he should take responsibilities of the present, of what he actually says & does right now.  He must fix this mistake with tohru. This is a mistake that CAN be fixed. someone that he CAN get back. a mistake he CAN stop repeating.He CAN hold on to her with immense desire yet allow room for her to decide for herself.

Tohru’s current mistake: Seeing herself solely thro being loved by kyo. she cant see that he indeed loves her cuz he rejected her. Rejection in tohru’s mind equal lack of love. Her mom left her, thus her mom didnt love her. This respective is very justified due to her trauma, & it is logical that she reached this conclusion. She isnt in his head, she cant know whats in his heart if his words say sth else. However, having a logical perspective doesn't mean it is right. it is still wrong to solely exist thro what you can see & hear. Real emotions run deeper. We must take things with moderate approach. Tohru needs to have higher self-esteem, to allow room for misunderstanding without completely breaking down. In her future life, she’ll be in lots of situations where ppl could hurt her intentionally or unintentionally. She needs to take things with calmer pace & open the door in her mind for doubt & better judgement. As much as loved ones words hurt, to build a healthy relationship, you must leave room for communication & misunderstanding. Hence, you’ll get closer & closer. 

Side Notes:

 I love tohru’s faulty attachment thro only being loved back exactly as she pictures in her mind. it is so human, so real, & so endearing! Very opposite of se01 & 2 image of her being the wise, device-giving mother with right thing to say & do. Screw that unrealistic image! allow tohru to be real! best ep ever! Hopefully, no more of this tohru!

Kyo’s constant repeat of mistakes is the best character trope done right! so realistic. It is genius that the author used this trope to humanize the demonic cat spirit!! what screams human better than the most annoying human trait: repeating mistakes!!!!  Kyo, my son! it’s time to learn! cant wait to see how the author will do that.

young boy/ adult woman friendship? Was that ever made without  disgusting sexualizion? kyoko isnt much of a mom figure to kyo, she tells me abt a husband, child neglect mistakes, custody! he calls her old hag & pushes her! XD. it is friendship!!

i’m mad they didnt focus on tohru’s face when she screamed at kyo confessing her love.. that's tohru moment. Why pan on yuki? you could’ve showed his reaction after she spoke. The same thing was done when tohru confessed to Isuzu!-_-! loved her angry face tho, it was beautifully drawn, so thanks for that. XD

Yuki is forever the best tohru/kyo shipper & the best tohru-happiness defender. I love how he runs after kyo & yet checks on tohru! I’m curious tho, he didnt hear any of kyo/kyoko confession as he was asleep, only the the “ forgive/not forgive line” so, he’ll be wondering forgive what? tohru’s mom knows kyo? I’m excited on how they’ll put things into context. also, I LOVE YUKI.

I’m forever thankful that everything akito is pushed into next ep. The knife wielding action & akito’s dramatic outbursts would’ve stolen from the emotional weight of kyo’s confession. Kyo’s secret is the core of furuba since ep, 1, the entire dynamics of kyo/tohru/yuki /kyoko/ hat is established based on this ep. Shoving akito, too, would create the same annoying train bullet feeling of momiji’s & tohru’s ep (ep 5 & 6). Emotional scenes pushed together with lesser time for the respective characters to have their well-deserved focus.

This is the most I am attached & satisfied with furuba! it scares me since ep 9 continues the climax. My fears of potential dramatic animation since the knife is there! moreover, akito’s own animation is always over the top. I hope they tone it down to portray her as a human more than a maniac.

Also, I hope they dont drag the climax more than that. What more you can shove in the dramatic raining weather. Tohru/kyo scene here matched the true arc scene bringing back parallel. Now akito/tohru raining scene next ep will match se02, ep10 scene. Now, what will the author do to defuse the climax? Often writing the falling action is harder than the climax itself. Falling action doesnt mean happy times & solving issues. It means dealing with the consequences of the climax. Let’s see what the writer has in store.

Based on the flashbacks, Kyoko didnt have ill feelings with kyo!!!! Until the last time he saw her as a child, she was happy with him. Even when he pushed her, she took it as a childlike behavior. at the accident, she didnt have much time to have any ill feelings. No way she thought he pushed her, no way she thought he could’ve saved her. So if she really recognized him, why would she say “ I wont forgive you”? it doesnt make sense at all. Kyoko doesn't hate kyo!!!! So, either he imagined, which is sth that I’ll hate so much! I spent so much emotions attached to a non existant words! NO. plz! NO!! Other possibility, she said sth else closer to the words! but then again how would we know? I NEED to know! ~ as expected, I’m still attached to this damn line! XD. 

Kyo depressed in the mountains after kyoko’s death was very vaguely referenced in (1) se01, ep24 when kyo talked to kazuma! oh shoot! (2) in se02, sp 2 when kazuma thought back to kyo nearly killing himself in depression before meeting the dad, (3) in se02, ep 9 when kyo trampled on the flower! oof! i love this subtle style of writing! connecting the emotional dots! EPIC!

Various characters throut seasons 1, 2 & 3 noticed the real gentle kyo towards tohru: (1) Isuzu’s “ I hope tohru meets someone like haru, to gently open the door” se02, ep19. (2) Momiji having faith that kyo is the right person for tohru & pushing him, (3) yuki constantly musing over tohru/kyo love & drawing inspiration on wanting “ his own person to love like them” (3) Kisa saying kyo is kind to tohru se3, (4) shigure saying, you are exclusively kind to tohru se02, (5) Airisa saying, when will kyo confess in se01, (6) hana saying, marry my sister in the play & pushing him to not be locked! (7) yuki kicking him for saying “ its not your business” to tohru in kyoto trip, (8) kakeru saying “ kyo’s her boyfriend? “ AA~~~~ the whole cast know & can see his love to her!!! TOHRU! He doesnt hate you! KYO!! the entire cast thinks you DESERVE HER & is KIND! not a monster! Is there an image set of those moments of the cast saying that here in tumblr? kindly mention me to see it! I fear going to the tags & seeing spoilers T_T.

[bookofmirth]

Hi

I'm not up to date with all the drama in this fandom bc i tend to scroll past it. But being a reader of the books before I landed in these fandoms, I'm utterly shocked about how people treat eachother.

I'm very neutral on this stupid ship war going on. I tend to fall more for Elriel. But I understand everyone's opinion. I used to read all the book analysis, but now it just seems so exhausting. I get that people love books and ship different people. That's normal, everyone has different taste etc i'm just here trying to understand why we need to bring other human beings down in order to push our own narrative.

Since when is it okay to do that???? Can't we have a normal conversation without sending death treats?

I normally don't really respond to anything that involves drama. But these last couples of months have gotten me to dislike the books more and more solely because of these, may I call them blandly, horrible people.

And i'm very sad to have to admit that i'm also getting sick of the art of the multiple ships. Which that's horrible because I love what all these amazing artists create. But the hate they receive and the comments just make me hate it all more,this whole fandom with all these toxic people ruining it for me personally.

Can't we all just agree that we like these books, and respect eachother as human beings, no matter what everyone else thinks? And maybe wait and see what the author writes? In the end it are still her books and she will have the final say in everything.

I wish SJM would release the next book sooner so all this hate would stop, then again i don't know if it will stop. They will likely continue and probably bother SJM too...

Thank you for listening to me ranting, you always seem very nice to people with different opinions, so I thought i might as well rant a bit too.

Have a lovely day!!

Hello! Thank you for this message! I think it's really helpful for people to see because they can see the impact of the things they are doing and saying in the fandom. There are a lot of people who feel comfortable being vocal in the fandom, but I gotta say, if I were just joining now, I'm not sure that would be me. I wonder how many people walk in, take a look around, and walk the fuck back out. I probably would.

I got on my soap box a little bit because I was thinking about some of the things you've said!

I was just talking with some friends, some of whom I've been in the fandom with since 2017, some who are newer. And we all 1000% agree with you. It's so, so frustrating that the fandom has gotten so nasty to the point where we've become so separated from each other that we can't have a single civil conversation. Where people of color don't feel safe, and where a lot of the fandom doesn't even seem to care about that.

When I first joined the fandom, there were definitely people who shipped one way and people who shipped another, but we were still able to have conversations with each other. There would be these really, really long posts that were chains of people commenting on posts and reblogging, then someone adding on their thoughts, then op would respond, etc. Yeah, the posts were super long to scroll through, but there was so much engagement, ya know? And it was genuine, too. We could disagree or say "hey OP I like this point, but have you thought of X?" And it was great! (I even have a tag for it, #long post tag, because I once got an anon who was annoyed at how long my conversations with people would be 💀so I made that tag for people who wanted to block those posts.)

I'm not going to pretend it was perfect - there were definitely people I didn't get along with. But that wasn't a fandom thing, that was just a personality thing. And I never in a million years expected those people to fly off the handle and start attacking me anon, or to ss my posts to make fun of elsewhere. Now, that's a constant fear hanging over everyone's heads.

It has created an extreme echo chamber. I would genuinely like having those old fandom discussions where people would comment - in the open, on reblogs - and then we could all engage in that discussion in public. Now, all of that discussion happens in private, in groupchats and Discord. And don't get me wrong, Discord is super fun. But it also means that 1) people who aren't in those groups have no idea wtf is going on when we vague, although I try not to do that anyway, and 2) when people are in those groups they egg each other on to be worse and worse. Worse than they would have been if they were on their own and didn't feel like they had a group of people there to support their asshole behavior. tbh, I have to check myself sometimes and think, "would I do this if I hadn't just gotten into a rant conversation with friends on Discord?"

And what you said about fan art, it's so frustrating!!! Since when did fan art become a battle ground??? Since when did the appearance of fan art = a win for one ship or the other?? Why can't the comments of those arts ever just be nice and appreciative of the work someone has put into it? Honestly, it makes me paranoid to write fanfic, too! I mean, is that next???

I totally agree with you that we should be able to respect each other as people. We used to be able to do that. I hate to admit it, but I have so many people blocked now because I just don't trust them. I don't trust them to be civil, I don't trust them to be able to see my posts, I don't trust them to even read what I've written without misconstruing everything I've said.

I'm not sure if people realize that there is a big difference between this:

I don't like X ship

And this:

People who like X ship are delusional

The first one is okay! It's normal! Like you said, we all have feelings and interpretations and stuff we would prefer to see or not see!

The second one, not okay! Stop insulting people, people!!!!

The idea of engaging in a normal, healthy debate with a huge portion of the fandom is such a foreign concept to me at this point, and it never used to be. There could be a lot of reasons for this. And I always try to avoid pointing fingers because I know that not everyone is like that, though I'm sure I have slipped into that from time to time.

I think it would help if we stop seeing each other as a gwynriel or an elucien or an elriel, and start seeing each other as individuals. When acosf first came out, I started noticing a trend where people would send me asks and write them as if they were writing to every single person who ships elucien, or as if they were writing to every single person who holds a certain opinion about Azriel. It was really confusing at first, and I'm gonna request that the fandom stop doing that altogether, to everyone. If you want to engage with someone, engage with that person, not your idea of who they are and what they think.

I'm down for conversations where we talk about the series and what might come next as possibilities, because that's all this is, so far. Anyone who says that "X thing will never happen" is making some bold claims, and it's really off-putting to people who know that that's not why we are here. It's not a contest where we "win" canon. It's fandom, where we talk about what we like and what we don't like and what we want and cross our fingers and hope.

EDIT I wanted to add on one thing - a lot of this behavior is incredibly shocking and disgusting and I think that we, as a fandom, need to be better at 1) calling it out, and 2) not assuming that whoever did X horrible thing represents all people from that corner of the fandom.

I hope that you have a lovely day as well! And that the fandom doesn't get you too down. @heleencollier

[atlas-of-a-human-soul]

Meant to be (G.D.)

Summary: There is a reason why the road not travelled seems more appealing, why the past might trick us into believing if we had made different choices, or just done one thing differently, that our lives would be better for it. There is a reason they say ‘Careful what you wish for’ and Grayson is about to find out exactly what it means to have all his dreams come true. Question is, what’s the cost?

Warnings: swearing, mentions of alcohol, sexual innuendoes, angst, fluff

Word count: 21k

===========================

Regrets are a weight on the heart and a curse on the mind. They bring out the past over and over again, always tormenting its victims with what ifs and promises of a better life. But it always comes at a cost, it always asks for a sacrifice. It drags its victim away from the beauty of their life, forcing them to wonder...

What if…

It's only two words, six letters, but they can change a person. ‘What if’ is a reminder of all the mistakes, of all the roads not taken and while they may not be as good as reality, one would always ponder on the possibility of something more.

What if...

What if..

What if?

For Grayson, his ‘what if’ had always been a little down the road, back when he was just a teenager and his choices were far simpler. Life was simpler, happier.

Becoming a YouTuber didn't entirely fulfill the dreams he once had. It gave him money, women, fame, but it took away his peace of mind and a quiet suburban life with the love of his life.

At least he found the love of his life. Or so he hopes. 

He's been wrong too many times before to dare say the L word now, but being with Ella feels right. Almost right. He'll never get his perfect life even if she is the one and it has nothing to do with her but the choices he's made before they ever met.

Too often would Grayson watch her sleep and question if he should feel guilty about his ‘what if’. Would she judge him for the inner workings of his mind? Would she feel like their relationship is a lie? Like she isn’t enough? 

"Whatcha thinkin' about?" Her raspy voice brings a smile on his face and the thoughts aren't as loud as they were before. No one could ever quiet Grayson’s mind like Ella can. It’s as easy as breathing for her, a single look sent his way and Grayson couldn’t focus on anything other than Ella. 

"Some past choices." Grayson never lied to Ella. When they met, she demanded he be honest with her, always. 

Reluctant, Grayson shared his earnest opinions and in time, he realized Ella is right; honesty is the best policy. It helped their relationship develop on a solid foundation, allowing them to grow together. For once, Grayson didn’t want to date every girl with a heartbeat, his attention focused elsewhere - on Ella.

"Like what?" She tilts her head up, her chin resting on his chest and her brown eyes meet his, a look he always cherished. Ella was always quiescent, a snowflake that he protected with his life.

She had the kind of eyes that made a man weak in the knees and while she was bitter about the mundane color, Grayson never saw a more beautiful shade. There was nothing mundane about her.

"Like the time Ethan and I thought we'd go to that private school on a sports’ scholarship." Sighing, Grayson runs his fingers down her back, playing with the strap of her bra. It's black and lacy, the kind she'd wear to seduce him and yet she's not trying. Ella could sense Grayson needs intimacy, conversation, not sex. She knew him so well, read him like an open book.

"If you did that, you'd probably never be a YouTuber. You wouldn't have the money, the fame, the experiences you have now." Biting her lip, she pauses before speaking timidly, "You wouldn't have the people you have now." 

Swallowing thickly, Grayson noticed the sudden change in her demeanor, the flicker of hurt in those earthy hues enough to make him realize she's thinking of the possibility of them not meeting.

“You really think you can get rid of me that easily?” He pursed his lips, eyes narrowing ever so slightly as her expression dulled. 

Grayson wasn’t sure if he believed it, but Ella did and he had to remind her, to make her smile so he wouldn’t feel like he’s drowning in the unshed tears forming in her eyes. 

“You always say that people who are meant to be", Grayson starts and she rolls her eyes playfully, a small smile appearing on her lips.

"Will find their way in the end, I know." Groaning, she rolls on her back, her head resting on her pillow. 

Raising an eyebrow, Grayson moves to his side, towering over her with a lopsided grin. "Should I be upset you just chose your pillow over my chest?"

"Should I be upset you're thinking of a life without me?" She challenges, her left eye narrowing ever so slightly as she stares at him. It's as if she's daring him to move, to take these thoughts out of her head. After so many obstacles they’ve managed to overcome, she couldn’t help the hurt his admission caused. She never once thought about anything other than a life with him.

"I don't think of a life without you, Ella", Grayson's smile falls, his voice deeper, "I believe we would have met either way. You're everything", lowering his head on her chest, his hand rests on her stomach, "We are meant to be."

Fingers treading through his hair, Ella sighs, "I think you're wrong. To be meant for someone means more than just meeting each other. It's the circumstances, it's the experiences that have shaped your preferences and character."

"I'd still fall for your pretty eyes and crazy laugh", Grayson argues, his eyes focusing on the birthmark between her breasts, yet another thing she hated and he loved about her. That would never change.

"I'm not sure I'd go for a jock tho", she states and his head snaps up to meet her gaze only to notice her lips twitching in an attempt to suppress a laugh. Just as she sees the questioning gaze, Ella bursts into laughter, coercing Grayson to do the same. He loved her witchy like cackle she calls a laugh, it's impossible not to laugh when he hears it.

And so, with a laugh filled night, Grayson settles beside Ella as he drifts off. Her words run through his head, wondering if it's true. 

Would they still be together if he hadn't moved to Los Angeles to be an influencer?

As his consciousness fades, Grayson mutters under his breath, completely unaware that his life would forever be changed.

"I wish Ethan and I got the scholarship."

There’s a reason they say be careful what you wish for and Grayson was about to learn the hard way.

--------

"Ugh", Grayson moans, feeling like death. His head hurts, his muscles are aching as if he had run a marathon and his mouth is dry.

"Ella?" He calls out, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as he rolls on his back, "Babe, I think I'm sick."

"You're not sick, you're hungover", Ethan chuckles and Grayson's eyes open wide.

"Fuck you talking about?" He squints and raises an eyebrow, noticing Ethan in a bed just a few feet away. His lips part, eyebrows furrowing as a faded scar between them becomes prominent.

"You drank a shit ton." Ethan reminds him, throwing a shirt his way.

Shaking his head, Grayson realizes it isn't a shirt, not when his last name is on the back of it right above a number.

"This isn't funny, E", Grayson breathes out, eyes fixed on the jersey in his hands. "Where is Ella?"

Sitting up, Ethan shrugs, "That the girl you were messing around with last night?"

Closing his eyes, Grayson feels his heart sink. "Messing around?" 

He wouldn't hurt Ella that way, would he?

"Since when do you even remember their names? What happened to hit it and quit it?" Ethan asks, standing up to grab his phone and Grayson scoffs.

"Now I know you're fucking with me, I'm a one woman man now. You know I'm with Ella. You can end the prank here because I really feel off." Grayson grimaced with the shooting pulsating pain in his head intensifying, wincing as he rubbed his temples to soothe the pain.

Ethan steps closer, concerned for his brother who is looking around the room with confusion. "Did you hit your head or something?"

"I dunno, maybe." Rubbing his forehead, Grayson sighs, "I have a major headache and I need Ella, okay? Where is she?" Standing abruptly, Grayson frightens Ethan into a backward stumble. "Ella?!"

"Fuck, I knew coach should have sent you to the doc!" Ethan runs his fingers through his hair, genuinely scared for Grayson.

Growling in frustration, Grayson reaches for Ethan, his fingers gripping the thin fabric of his shirt as he forcefully pulls him closer, "Cut the shit, where is she?! Huh?!"

Raising his arms in mock surrender, Ethan shakes his head, "I swear I don't know what you're talking about!" Eyes wide, Ethan pushes Grayson. It's not as forceful in fear of hurting him but enough to get the message across. "You never even mentioned an Ella before."

Releasing Ethan, Grayson stumbles back to the bed. Sitting down, a heavy sigh passes his lips as his eyes fall to his feet. His bare feet. "What the", pausing Grayson blinks fast, "Where's my Tame tattoo?!"

"Tattoo? You better not have a fucking tattoo!", Ethan rubs his chin, trying to understand what is happening. "I'M CALLING THE DOCTOR!" Rushing out of the room, Ethan slams the door behind him.

Lips quivering, Grayson takes his shirt off only to find his chest, his arms are void of tattoos. "No, no, no." Pulling his sweats down, he finds his legs just as bare, no ink he had invested years in. "No, NO, NO!"

Scrambling to the bathroom, he stops in front of a mirror only to find his hair is shorter, dark circles around his eyes are prominent and his lips chapped. Flashing his teeth, he finds no tooth gems, "Those cost a fortune!"

"Bro, we gotta get you to a hospital!" Ethan mumbles, running around to find something to wear while Grayson pales. His hands are shaky, his entire body trembling and he can't help but wonder if Ella was just a fever dream he had.

Or this is?

In what world does he still share a bedroom with Ethan? The tattoos, the gems, the jewelry! He didn't even have a hole for an earring!

And Ella? His sweet brown-eyed Ella with the heart of gold? What of her? If there's one thing he's sure of is that he isn't creative enough to dream up someone as perfect as her.

"C'mon, they'll do a CT as soon as we get in." Ethan waves him over, only then noticing Grayson is in his briefs. "Seriously?!"

Groaning, Ethan grabs him by the forearm and pulls him along, throwing clothes in his face.

"I know you're freaking out or whatever but we need to hurry! It's been a day since you took that nasty fall and I know you said you were okay but THIS IS NOT FUCKING OKAY!" Rambling, Ethan stopped. Taking a few deep breaths, he turns to Grayson with tears brimming his eyes. "You’re my brother and I can't lose you."

Nodding, Grayson presses his lips together. He'd argue, ask him if this is some elaborate prank again but it doesn't feel like one. It feels real and that is what scares him. So, reluctantly, Grayson does as Ethan says and he puts on the clothes, following him to the door.

He wasn't sure what to expect, but Grayson finds himself with raised eyebrows and a concerned look on his face once he sees the state of the house they're in. There are people lying around, red cups and beer bottles everywhere and he could have sworn he saw a few used condoms on the floor as well.

"Where the fuck are we?" Grayson whispers and Ethan pales.

"The frat house. We've lived here for three years Grayson!"

Running his fingers through his hair, Grayson has to suppress a groan as he realizes just how short it is. He's used to his floppy hair, it relieved his anxiety to run his hands through his hair and Ella loved to tug on his hair too. She never said anything about the length, so maybe it’s the feeling of her tugging his hair while he goes down on her is for his own pleasure, but he likes to believe she enjoyed it too.

"You said I hurt my head?" Grayson tries, hoping to understand.

"Yeah, during football practice yesterday. Ryan tackled you because you fucked his girlfriend."

Inhaling, Grayson's eyes widen, "The fuck?" 

So far, Grayson understood one thing: that he understands nothing.

-------

“All the scans came back clear. What kind of symptoms are you experiencing?” 

Grayson glances at Ethan, his mind torn. If he admits to what seems to be a crazy theory about him waking up in some hell dimension, the doctor might put him in the psych ward and throw away the key, but if he doesn’t and all the memories of his life and…Ella’s love are just a symptom of his fall, then he might deter the doctor from a proper diagnosis. 

But as Grayson swallows thickly, he shakes his head. Even if everything was a lie, a symptom, is who Ethan says he is truly who he’d want to be? 

From what Grayson gathered, he is a womanizer with no respect for women or their feelings, he’s an egomaniac and very likely has an STD by now. He sounds like a guy with commitment issues and a nasty personality considering he’s been sleeping with his friend’s girlfriend. 

“Just a headache.”

Ethan’s jaw slacks, his eyes narrowing at Grayson, “Are you sure?” He’s speaking from a confused, angered place and Grayson can tell Ethan is about to blow his cover. 

“I’m sure.” Grayson speaks through gritted teeth, his nostrils flared as he gives Ethan a pointed look. “I’m perfectly fine, just had a wild night and a nasty fall. I’ll take a few pills and be fine by Monday.”

“Alright. I’ll clear you to play next week, but keep the head safer next time.” 

A tight lipped smile on Grayson’s face did nothing to alleviate Ethan’s anger. He had brought his brother in for good reason and he just lied to the doctor’s face. Truth be told, Ethan is worried Grayson is having a psychotic break. Instead of ratting him out, Ethan decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and a single day to reassess the situation again. 

Once in the car, Ethan turns to Grayson with raised eyebrows. “Wanna tell me what the fuck that was about?”

Shrugging, Grayson swipes his thumb across his bottom lip, wincing as he does. “Do I have a busted lip too?” 

“Cut the crap, Gray, what the fuck is happening?” Ethan fixes his eyes on Grayson, refusing to start the car before getting a concrete answer to his many questions. “You’re acting like a totally different person. It’s like you’re an alien possessing my brother’s body and I don’t know who the fuck this Ella is but if she did some magic voodoo thing to you, we got a witch to burn!”

Gasping for a breath, Ethan stops but his eyes narrow as Grayson cackles at him and his rant. 

“THIS IS NOT FUNNY, GRAYSON!”

A hand over his chest, Grayson leans back. Attempting to stifle his laugh, he nods, “I know! I know”. Sniffling, Grayson lets out a long sigh before looking to his brother. “If I tell you, you’d think I’m crazy and I’m not! I swear I’m not!”

Licking his lips, Ethan leans back in his seat. Gnawing on his bottom lip, Ethan can’t help the curiosity bubbling up to the surface. Whatever it is, it can’t be that crazy, can it?

“If I promise to listen to you, will you tell me?”

Raising an eyebrow in surprise, Grayson shrugs, “Only if you stop freaking out too.”

“FINE”, Ethan exclaims just as Grayson finishes his sentence, willing to hear his side of the story.

“I think I’m in an alternative universe. Like something got fucked and I’m now in an alternative universe because where I come from we aren’t frat boys with a drinking problem.”

Clearing his throat, Ethan motions with his hand for Grayson to elaborate.

“We moved to Los Angeles in our freshman year of high school and did YouTube and we got famous and rich and I had the most beautiful girlfriend. I was with her and then I woke up here.”

Tapping his fingers on his knee, Grayson looks out of the window, biting his lower lip. “She, uh…She means a lot to me.”

“Okay.” Ethan states, starting the engine.

“Okay?” Grayson furrows his eyebrows, lips parted.

“Yeah, okay. I believe you.” Ethan drew his lower lip between his lips, tapping his hands on the wheel.

Leaning forward, Grayson’s frown deepens, “Just like that?”

“Look, I don’t know Ethan from your universe, but I’m a believer in alternative universes and I do think you’re not exactly my brother. He’s just…different.” Glancing at Grayson, Ethan sighs, “You two are very different."

“Alright, so you want him back, right? You’re gonna help me?” Grayson’s excitement is palpable, enough for Ethan to roll his eyes.

“No, I’ll leave him in an alternative universe with millions at his disposal while I deal with you”, Ethan states, the sarcastic undertones unmistakable. Grayson can’t help but snort, smiling to himself. Even in an alternative universe, Ethan is a sarcastic conspiracy theorist. 

“Any idea where we could start, genius?” Ethan snaps his fingers, irritated with Grayson’s tendency to get lost in his thoughts. 

Grayson’s face blanks, “No clue.”

“How about that Ella you keep mentioning? She your girlfriend?” Ethan doesn’t need to ask twice as he glances at the shit eating grin on Grayson’s face upon the mere mention of her name. “You say you care about her. Are you sure you’re not in love?”

Grayson licks his lips, “I don’t know. How does anyone really know?”

“I think it’s pretty obvious when you fall in love. If you can’t answer that, you might have never truly loved anyone.” Ethan’s words hit home. 

While it sounds callous, it’s also true – did Grayson ever really loved any of the girls he was with? They all seemed like the right one at some point. He told them he loves them, but did he really? In the end, they were all forgotten in a week or two, but Ella? He refused to tell her he loves her even when he thought he did. The word had become cheap, she deserved better ones. 

Is that love? Wanting to find better words to express your feelings? Words that are more than what most throw around like ‘Hello’? Words worthy of the way the mere thought of them brings a smile upon one’s face or their voice makes one’s heart race? 

“Have you ever loved someone?” Grayson asks, curious of his brother’s life. Even if he’s not his Ethan, he is Ethan. 

“Once. It didn’t last, but I did love her.” 

Figuring Ethan isn’t quite ready to talk more on the subject, Grayson decides to drop it. He shouldn’t upset him just for his selfish gain. “I think this happened because I wished to know what would have happened if we never went to Los Angeles and took the scholarships at that private school we were interested in.” 

He wished for his old dreams to come true, and they did. But at what cost?

“You wished for this?!” Ethan raises his voice, letting a little of his frustration out.

“I didn’t know it would actually happen!” Grayson defends, pressing his lips together once he realizes raising his voice isn’t going to do him any favors. “I’m guessing we took those scholarships in this universe?

“Yeah. We got into college on football scholarships but we play lacrosse too.” Ethan tells him, “Wrestling didn’t pan out as we wanted.”

“I met Ella in LA, so that’s probably why she’s not here.” Grayson rubs his temples, closing his eyes shut.

“So? Look her up. If she’s not a dream, she’s gonna be on social media.” Ethan suggests. 

Gnawing on the inside of his cheek, Grayson nods. His eyebrows furrow as he opens up Instagram on his phone. Typing in her username comes up blank. Typing in her name comes out blank.

"Why can't I find her?!" Frustrated, he hits the dash and Ethan huffs, not happy with the way Grayson is treating the car. It may be a flaming pile of shit, but it gets them from point A to point B.

"You're saying you dreamed up a girl you think is real?" Ethan’s not convinced Ella exists. If anything, he’s still a little weirded out with the idea of Grayson not really being his Grayson. He’s trying to believe it all, to trust him on his word and to trust his instincts screaming at him, but it’s hard. It’s really hard.

"She is real!" Grayson exclaims, half panicked as he’s beginning to doubt himself as well. What if Ella found someone else? If he wasn’t there that day they met, who was? 

Glancing at a frustrated Grayson, Ethan feels pity. He may not be his Grayson, but he’s still his brother. In a way. "Google her then."

"If her Instagram account doesn't exist, why would anything exist then? Huh?" What Grayson truly worries about is, what if something happened to her? Maybe she did exist at some point but doesn’t anymore?

"Maybe because it’s Google? Google knows all. If she’s not on there, she was a dream bro." Ethan reasons, parking the car. He turns to Grayson, watching him. Grayson’s pensive, filled with a thousand emotions he cannot put into words and Ethan understands him. He does. 

"Wait...She only got Instagram to follow me! She admitted that!" Grayson exclaims, a little too excited while Ethan remains unimpressed.

"Bro, I love you, but you sound douchier than usual." And that says a lot since he’s been dealing with his douche of a brother. His Grayson is the definition of a douchebag. 

"No, no, she really told me that. So...she wouldn't be in LA either because she said we inspired her to move to follow her dream which would mean she’s back home!" 

Raising his eyebrows, Ethan’s eyes widened, "We inspired her?"

"Yeah, she said if two snotty teenagers could move to LA and make it just by filming videos of themselves she could surely get her book deal." Grayson says it with a smile, feeling nostalgic.

Ethan snorts, "She sounds supportive."

"She really is though." And with that, Ethan notes how Grayson’s voice is warmer when he speaks of Ella. That’s definitely not his brother. His Grayson doesn’t soften up when he speaks about girls unless it’s about Gizmo, their pet bird.

"She’d never tell anyone about the book, but I know she’s been writing it since she was 16 and she actually sold it!" Grayson is also proud of her, boasting about it as if it’s his own success. Ethan can’t help but smile.

"So look for her with that info, you do know where she is from, right?"

"Michigan." The word barely passes his lips as Ethan punches his shoulder, "Owh, what the hell E?!"

"We are in fucking Michigan!" Throwing his arms in the air, Ethan shakes his head. The pent up craziness of the day is starting to drive him up the wall and he can’t even be sure what’s real and what’s not anymore. ”We’re literally Michigan Wolverines!”

"Seriously?! She might be in the same school then!" Clapping his hands, Grayson opens the car door. He jumps out, wildly looking around the parking lot, hoping he’d see her black hair swaying with the wind.

"You're giving me a headache, I hope she's nicer than you." Ethan mumbles, leaning his forearms on the roof of the car, his car door still open.

"You two have been iffy a bit, but you loved her E.”, Grayson turns to him, grinning, “You said it yourself, you love her like a sister but if she touches your vegan rolls again you'd burn the house to the ground."

Lips parting, Ethan’s nose crinkles, "Vegan? She can have them all, why would I fight her on that?!"

Drawing a deep breath, Grayson pinched the bridge of his nose, "Please don't tell me we aren't vegan."

"We are jocks, Grayson, chicken is our religion." Ethan reminds him as he closes the car door, locking it. Walking around the car, he chuckles at Grayson who grumbles about it.

"Just great."

Running a hand through his hair, Ethan averts his eyes to the ground. The pavement is still wet, a reminder of the stormy night from before. "Do I have anyone in your world?"

Grayson smirks, "An Australian model."

"WHAT?!" Ethan steps in front of Grayson, stopping him. 

"Yeah, my reaction too when she decided to date you." Grayson chuckles, amused with the shocked, slightly jealous expression on Ethan’s face.

"Bro, I want an Australian model!"

Laughing wholeheartedly at the whining, Grayson shrugs, "You have her. Well, the other you does."

Throwing his hands up in the air, for the second time in the past ten minutes, Ethan walks ahead, “Fuck this shit.”

Smiling fondly at his brother’s back, Grayson sighs, “At least I know you’re extra here too.”

“What?!” Ethan glances at him over his shoulder and Grayson shakes his head, “NOTHING!”

--

As days passed, Grayson realized one thing: time has its own flow and in that its own beauty, for no man can command it to halt, it can only pass with unique divinity. It’s only been a few nights since he woke up in this strange universe and while days were easy to survive as he spent them on the field and Monday brought classes, nights were much less forgiving.

He misses her – his Ella. 

Time, just as love, is unchangeable – it is there at the end as it was at the start and Grayson doesn’t know how to accept that he might never see Ella again.

He finds himself scribbling her name instead of class notes on his first day of college, attempting to draw her – but the shade of brown in her eyes is never quite right. No matter how hard he tries, nothing he draws will ever come close to the warmth and understanding her eyes and smile held. No one can ever replace the comforting relief that would wash over him whenever she would squeeze his hand or run her fingers through his hair. 

Simply, no one can compare to Ella. No one, possibly not even the alternative universe her…if she exists.

Sighing, Grayson leans back on the tree he sat under. He closes the textbook with her name written a dozen times to give himself reprieve. Being there without her is torment, a special kind of hell Grayson never dreamed he’d be stuck in. 

Ethan has helped him adjust as much as possible, but it seems as if he can never truly fit into this life.

This Grayson is a douchebag, whoring his way through campus with a bottle of tequila in hand and no one bats an eye as long as he scores the winning touchdown. His grades are an average C, but it took him less than a single day to find out it’s because the professors are giving him special treatment. He’s not exactly a model student and plenty of his classmates were surprised he even attended lectures today.

Closing his eyes, he tries to ignore the words in his head reminding him this is karma. He has done enough to get himself rejected from his own timeline and universe. 

Truth be told, he’s ashamed. He wasn’t much better before meeting Ella, either. He’d whore his way through Los Angeles, the difference being non-disclosure agreements he had the girls sign. He might have been sober, but he was drunk on adrenaline of fame that he had given into different obsessions. He became paranoid, mistrustful, hateful and treated his friends as if they owed him something for being a part of his life.

When Ella came around, he changed. It took a while, but Grayson thought he was finally worthy of her. 

Now? Grayson finally understands what she meant when she told him she might not like him as a jock. He didn’t like himself as a jock.

“Hey, six-pack?!”

Grayson’s eyes open wide, his breath caught in his throat as he recognizes that voice. Only one person he knows has that kind of a voice – a raspy voice that is the base of all his happy memories. 

And there she is, Ella – his Ella. Her long black hair is shorter in this universe, falling to her shoulders in waves. Her eyes are just as beautiful as he remembers them to be, like melted honey on a warm sunny day. Her lips are curled into a small smile, gentle yet cautious. 

“Ella?” He breathes out, his hands beginning to shake and she can tell. 

Ella raises an eyebrow, confused as to why would the cockiest man she ever met feel so nervous to see her. He seems to be shocked, maybe even relieved – a contradictory Grayson never was. Not to her knowledge. She always saw him as a one dimensional being – an asshole without a cause. 

“Wanted to bring this back to you”, she reaches into her backpack – a flower themed green backpack she had when they first met. 

Back then, she was but a stranger with a very pissed off look on her face when he slammed into her on the beach as he attempted to catch a ball Ethan sent flying way above his head. He remembers her yelling at him as if it were yesterday, but he also remembers her laughing when he asked for her number when she was done with yelling, breathless. He bought her an ice cream and apologized and ever since then, Grayson never looked at another.

Ella tosses a jersey in his face and Grayson quickly stands up, holding the jersey in his hands. 

“Wait, how do you have this?” He looks at the number – 33 – his number.

Raising both eyebrows, Ella’s eyes widened for a split second, “Wow, you were really drunk off your ass that night, weren’t you?” Leaning in, she steps on her tiptoes as Grayson holds his breath, “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone that Grayson Dolan actually did something decent for a change.”

She turns on her heel, taking a few steps further before Grayson’s senses return to him. “Ella, wait!”

“And he remembers my name? I’m impressed!” She giggles, not even turning around as she heard his heavy footsteps just behind her. “Though I don’t remember telling you my name.” That’s when she stops, hands on her hips as she looks at Grayson who looks like he’s lost. “How do you know my name?”

“How do you have my jersey? I asked first”, Grayson reminds her with a lopsided grin and she purses her lips to stop a smile from spreading. While Ella might not be Grayson’s biggest fan, she’s not blind – he’s extremely good looking.

“The other night at the party mean anything to you?” She raises an eyebrow, waiting for Grayson to respond but he just shrugs, a red tint slowly coloring her cheeks. It’s not something he’s used to as Ella was always tan from the LA sun, but she’s much paler than usual.

“Some asshole pushed me in the pool and my shirt got wet and it was very see through. I panicked and ran and stumbled upon you and for some reason you weren’t an asshole about it and lent me the jersey without even trying to stare at my boobs.” Licking her lips, Ella narrows her eyes at Grayson, “Which was very weird, are you alright? Nobody's body snatched you?”

Chuckling, Grayson shakes his head, eyes fixed on Ella. He can’t look away, not even if he tried. “I’m trying to be better.”

“You? Better?” Biting her lower lip, Ella steps closer, “I really wanna believe that”, her raspy voice is like stardust to Grayson. 

He loves hearing her talk, words are her finishing touch to the emotions she usually suppresses but only ever shared with him. It took forever for her to open up to him, but even then it wasn’t as often. So yes, Grayson wished he could tell her how much he would like to listen to her talk. It doesn’t matter what’s it about – something, nothing, he just wants her to talk to him.

Taking her hand, Grayson hears her gasp. He places her palm on his chest, right above his heart. “Please do. I need you to believe in me.” His lips are parted, his eyes clinging to her like a dying man clings to his last breath and she’s looking back at him, her hand is touching him and she’s not fighting the touch.

Until she breaks out in laughter, “That’s a good line! Do you use that on all your little flings?” 

Stepping away from him, she bites her lower lip, almost disappointed. “Don’t spend your best lines on me, Quarterback, I’m not easily swayed and my heart is taken by someone else.”

Sobering words splash into Grayson’s senses as if they were icy water. “Someone else?”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m gonna leave you before someone spreads unflattering rumors about us.” Turning away, Ella takes three more steps before glancing at Grayson over her shoulder. She doesn’t know why she did it, but something inside her told her to look back, to stay – even if it’s for a moment. 

“Thank you for the jersey, Grayson. I’ll remember that.”

And as Grayson stood there, watching Ella leave, he reminded himself that everything he wants is on the other side of determination and consistency. He would show her he’s redeemable and he would win her over. It doesn’t matter what universe he’s in, there is never a time he won’t want her – her light, her kindness, her approval. 

Even if everything's made to be broken, Grayson needs her to believe in him. He needs her to know who he is. 

--

“Sometimes I wonder why I’m with you”, Ella huffs. Arms crossed she rolls her eyes at Grayson before laughing, “Your decoration skills need serious improvement!”

“Ah, you got me worried for a moment”, Grayson reaches out for her. Grabbing her by the arm, he pulls her into his lap.

Chuckling, she wraps her arms around his neck, “Why?”

Licking his lips, Grayson looks down, “Because I wonder why you’re with me.”

“For the same reason you’re with me”, she explains and he furrows his eyebrows as his lips form a tight line. The reason he’s with her is because his soul never felt more at home than when she would wrap her arms around him.

“Boobies?” Grayson teases, earning himself an eye roll.

Cupping his left boob, Ella exclaims, “Yes! Yours are almost as big as mine!”

“Idiot!” Grayson grumbles under his breath. Looking back at it, he knew it was a perfect chance to tell her what she means to him and how grateful he is for her presence but he didn’t. He made it into a joke to hide just how much he needs her and she didn’t deserve that. She deserved a man who could speak his mind and share his emotions, not a coward he turned out to be.

“Awee, you’re not an idiot”, Ethan mocks, “Especially not if you help a brother out.”

“I’m not telling you her name, Ethan.” Grayson turns to his other side, determined to salvage what’s left of the night. He couldn’t sleep, not after knowing his Ella hates him. But is she his? How can she be his when she loves someone else? How can she be his when this Ella hadn’t ever been in his arms? Even if she was, she would be the other Grayson’s Ella. Manwhore Grayson’s Ella. Frat boy, jock’s Ella.

It leaves him with a bad taste in his mouth. The idea of her with someone else, even another version of himself isn’t easy to stomach.

“But she’s my girlfriend!” Ethan exclaims, throwing a sock at Grayson’s head. A smelly sock.

Covering his nose, Grayson tosses the sock back, “Not in this world she isn’t.”

Flipping Grayson off, Ethan groans. “She could be, ya know? She could be my girlfriend!”

Rolling his eyes, Grayson turns to his back, “Chasing someone else’s love story isn’t exactly something I’d recommend to you.”

“Wouldn’t the other me want to be with his girl in every universe?” Ethan challenges and Grayson raises his eyebrows, “You’re trying to find your girl in this universe, why don’t I get the same courtesy?”

Pressing his lips in a hard line, sadness clouded Grayson’s features, “Kristina Alice.”

Gasping, Ethan’s phone lights up as he searches her name only to sit up once he sees her photo, “SHUT THE FUCK UP, SHE’S MINE?!”

“YuPP”, Grayson closes his eyes, “Good luck getting her to accept your request.”

“Thanks”, Ethan smiles as he hits the follow button on her Instagram page, desperately hoping she would soon accept his request and he could send her a message. Maybe he has a shot after all.

“Just shut up and let me sleep.” Grayson covers his head with a pillow, turning to the other side where it’s colder.

“What if”, Ethan begins as Grayson groans loudly. Those two words are the last ones he wants to hear. Ever.

“I need to sleep!”

“Sure, but hear me out”, Ethan springs from his bed and sits on Grayson’s, “What if you being here means my brother, real brother, is also in a different universe?”

Uncovering his face, Grayson’s eyes widen as he sits up with a thundering heart, “Like in my universe?”

“Dunno, but I don’t think he would just disappear. The whole laws of physics wouldn’t allow for that to happen. If energies cannot be created or destroyed, perhaps souls can’t either. Maybe he’s in your body or in another universe and that universes’ Grayson is in your body? Maybe all the Grayson’s have switched places?”

Hand on his heart, Grayson could feel the cold sweat forming at the back of his neck, “I’m gonna be sick.”

“You think it’s possible?” Ethan raises his right eyebrow, genuinely curious.

“If it is, some other guy is with my Ella right now and he could be fucking up my life as we speak.”

“Well, depending on the definition of ‘your life’, he could be fucking your life right now.” Ethan’s insinuation didn’t help Grayson fall asleep that night.

If it’s true, another version of him might be holding Ella tightly against him as she unravels under him. Another Grayson, possibly even the manwhore Grayson he’s occupying could be both abusing the privilege of being intimate with Ella and breaking her heart by being intimate with other women in front of her.

Laying awake, staring at the ceiling, Grayson met dawn as an old friend. Dawn signified a new start, a day full of activities that would busy his mind with anything but some look alike hurting the lov…His Ella. Besides, he was looking forward to the day as he planned on seeing this Ella as well. He can’t deny the pull, the gravitational change he feels when he’s close to her. She may not be his Ella in every sense of the word, but she is Ella and she is the light in this darkness.

Morning practice went by fast, allowing him to exercise some of his demons, but it isn’t enough. In the back of his mind is an image, one that is enough to enrage him – an image of his lookalike in bed with his unsuspecting Ella.

Inhaling, he closes his eyes as he settles under the same tree he sat at yesterday. Holding his breath, he waits for the burning sensation of his lungs as they scream for oxygen. Reluctant, he releases the pent up air in a slow exhale.

“Since when is this your hangout place?”

Eyes snapping open, Grayson’s lips part with the familiar raspiness in the voice. “Ella?”

“Still my name”, she smiles before sitting in front of him, book in her hand.

“Sorry”, he breathes out, attempting to smile but he didn’t know if he should smirk or grin and ended up grimacing more than smiling.

“Don’t be. It’s not like the tree has my name on it”, she shrugs as she opens up her book and he frowns, confused.

“What do you mean?”

Pointing to the tree, “It’s my spot. Has been since freshman year and suddenly you’re here.”

Making an ‘O’ shaped face, Grayson’s heart skips a beat. He didn’t even know why he sat under this particular tree, but it was calming him. It felt cozy, safe, a place to gather his thoughts. Upon further evaluation, this tree wasn’t entirely different from other trees, but he chose the same one two days in a row and he had a sneaky suspicion Ella is the reason why he was drawn to it.

If there is no magic in the world, how is he in this universe? If there is no magic in the world, how did he meet her again? If there is no magic in the world, why would he sit under this tree?

Smiling, Grayson realizes – magic exists. Maybe it’s not in the obvious witchy way, but it’s real. Ella made him see that.

“I’m sorry if I was ever a jerk to you.” Gnawing at the inside of his bottom lip, Grayson noticed her surprise when he spoke up, more so with what he said.

“Save your apologies, Quarterback. You weren’t a jerk to me.” Forcing a small smile, she clarifies, “You weren’t anything to me.” Tucking her hair behind her ear, she feels her heartbeat quicken as his eyes remain on her. She could see the genuine emotions swirling in his hazel eyes and it caught her off guard. It’s as if he actually means it.

“Look, you’ve been pretty shitty to a lot of people and you’re worshipped regardless. But if you want to be better, you have to take baby steps. It’s never easy to change once you’ve left people with a certain idea of who you are.” Licking her lips, she sinks her front teeth into her bottom lip. 

Averting her gaze to the book in hand, she tries to hide how his unrelenting gaze is making her nervous. It’s an effort to stop herself from tapping her fingers on the book or to stop herself from running away to take a proper breath she can’t seem to take ever since she decided to sit there. Somehow, Grayson causes a panic in her, not one associated by fear. It’s more about the implications of his longing stares and uncharacteristically kind words.

“Can I start with you?” Grayson leans closer, minding the way she blinks faster as he does as if his proximity is making it harder for her to ignore the need to stay close.

“Why me? What’s so important about me?” Her question catches him off guard and it reminds him of his Ella and the insecurities she always tried to hide. Maybe they’re not so different after all.

“Because I think highly of you.”

Scoffing, she looks away but Grayson can’t ignore the blush spreading across her cheeks. “You don’t even know me.”

“I’m an observant person. I know more than you think and I’m not asking for you to be my friend but maybe a tutor? You could help my grades and my stupid mouth when it goes off?”

Narrowing her eyes at him, Ella’s confusion is stronger than before. No matter what she heard of Grayson, he didn’t seem as bad as people made him seem. He’s trouble, she’s sure of that, but he’s also lost. A part of her wants to help him find what he’s looking for, to help him…fix him, but if she does, she knows she might find herself in dangerous territory. 

Grayson Dolan seems like a guy one would easily fall for, but he also seems like the guy who’d break her heart. Can he even break a heart that’s not his to begin with?

“Tutoring sounds fine.” She speaks, finally breaking the silence and Grayson’s lips stretch into a wide smile on instinct.  “But only tutoring and it’s not for free. I expect you to do something for me too.”

“Anything!”

Drawing a deep breath, she wonders if this is wise. It could backfire in the worst possible way, but she can’t help herself. She has a unique chance to do something she always wanted, “I need you to be my fake boyfriend for a month.”

Inhaling sharply, Grayson exhales, “Huh?”

Rolling her eyes, she leans closer, “I want to make a guy jealous and who better to do that than the Quarterback.”

Grayson’s heart sinks with her words but he finds himself nodding. It might be the worst thing to agree to but it would put him in her orbit and it would give her a chance to see who he truly is. She might fall for him in the end.

“Alright. Let’s do this.”

--

“So you’re just gonna fake date your girlfriend?” Ethan cocks an eyebrow, a little confused and uncertain of the benefits this deal could possibly bring his brother.

Shrugging, Grayson runs his fingers through his hair, attempting to put in the effort to make himself look somewhat presentable. “Yeah. It’s not much, but I’m willing to go through with worse if it means I get to hold her hand at the end of the day.”

“What if her plan works and she actually gets with the person you’re supposed to make jealous?” Raising both eyebrows, Ethan flicks Grayson’s ear, “You’ll be worse off than before.”

“It won’t happen!” Grayson exclaims, trying to not murder Ethan. “Fake dating trope always ends with the two realizing their feelings and marrying each other.” 

Smiling at his reflection in the mirror, he nods to himself. It’s the first time in a long time he gave much thought about what he should wear or what his hair looks like but it’s for a good reason. He has to impress Ella. 

“We’re soulmates, E. I know it.”

Huffing, Ethan rolls his eyes, “Chances of that being an actual thing is slim, but let's face the facts. Even if you’re soulmates, you two aren’t necessarily meant to be in every single universe. No one can have their happy ending in every universe. Maybe consider this universe is the one where you don’t get the girl.”

Hands on his hips, Grayson turns to Ethan with a stiff upper lip, “Is this really about me and Ella or about the fact Kristina didn’t accept your follow request?”

Rubbing his forehead, Ethan groans, “Maybe, but it’s a possibility?! I don’t want you to end up with a broken heart if this doesn’t work out. Just…Don’t forget this isn’t your life, okay? What happens when real Grayson comes back and he’s suddenly in a relationship? He’d break Ella’s heart.”

“What if he never returns and I’m stuck here forever? I can’t and will not give up on Ella. Manwhore Grayson needs to man up and I’m preparing the turf in case he returns to this life.”

“Manwhore Grayson?!” Ethan chuckles, “That’s actually who he is. Cameron calls him that!” Wheezing, Ethan throws himself on the bed, hugging a pillow.

Grayson watches, stifling a laugh, “Bro, I wanna smack him so bad!!”

“Get in line! At least half the female population wanna smack his face and the other wants to smack his ass!”

Pursing his lips, Grayson exhales through his nose, or he tries to. It’s been hell living in a body with sinus issues again and he envied whoever is in his body for the ability to breathe freely and without suffering after he had suffered all the pain of two surgeries and multiple rounds of antibiotics.

“Well, I’ll be going then. Don’t wanna keep my girl waiting.” With a lopsided grin, Grayson heads to the door when Ethan speaks up.

“Do you think this would classify as cheating? I mean, she’s Ella but she’s not really your Ella, right?”

Licking his lips, Grayson’s heart sinks. Ethan is right, this Ella might look like his Ella, have her soul, but her personality might be different. So far, Grayson noticed three differences: her ears are pierced though his Ella was terrified of the very idea of having them pierced, she doesn’t seem to wear the red lipstick he loved to smudge and she had black nail polish but his Ella prefers pastels.

Shaking his head, he remembers how it felt to imagine her with manwhore Grayson. It doesn’t feel right and his Ella would probably hate him for this, but something inside him is insisting he must see it through. “I’ll see you later.”

--

Holding his breath and waiting for inevitable doom. This is what Grayson feels like. It’s as if this entire universe is made to torture him. Sure, he wasn’t the best person alive in his universe, but he wasn’t evil either. A part of him couldn't shake the karma aspect of this switch – what did he do that was so bad to warrant a karmic intervention?

“Hey!” Ella’s usual raspy voice is a little higher, pitchy, enough to make Grayson smile. She’s nervous and he’s glad he’s the one that made her nervous. It means she cares, however small it may be.

“You look”, pausing, Grayson raises his eyebrows as his eyes trail down her body, “Incredible!” He lets out a breathless chuckle, watching her cheeks darken. She’s definitely nervous.

“So, uh, what do you need help with”, Ella licks her lips, tucking her hair behind her ear as her eyes fix on his hand. “Are those….flowers?” Raising an eyebrow, she stifles a smile as Grayson fidgets, scratching the back of his neck.

“Yeah…I wanted to do something nice.” Holding the flowers out, he watches her lips twitch as her attempt to keep a smile at bay slowly fails.

The corners of his lips turned up in a slight smile as his eyes dropped to the floor, a strangely demure gesture for him, Ella realized. As he looked back at her, moving his hair back with his hand, Ella was momentarily swayed by the dark brown eyes that sparkled up through long, dark lashes that she never noticed before. Perhaps she allowed herself to send a few glances his way in the past, trying to understand why so many girls ventured into his web, and she never quite understood until now.

The way he looks at her as if she’s the source of sunshine in his life, the way he smiles as if her presence sparks joy in his heart and the way he had held her hand over his beating heart had disarmed her and she hated herself for it. 

She fell for his charms and silver tongue as many have before and she likes him. She does. It’s impossible not to like a man as magnificent as Grayson – no matter how messed up he is. 

There will always be a girl willing to stay way too long in hopes of fixing him. He’s a death trap for every woman who looks into his eyes.

“Lilies?” Careful, she reaches for the flowers. Her fingers curl right above his, avoiding touch and the electrifying feelings it could bring to the surface. Ella preferred not to know.

“Your favorite”, Grayson blurts out, his mouth faster than his brain and his eyes widen as Ella’s eyes narrow at him.

“How would you know?”

Hands trembling, Grayson shrugs, “A lucky guess. You’re not a rose kind of a girl because you think roses are cliché.”

Eyebrows furrowing, Ella’s frown deepens, “That sounds more like an educated guess.”

“Am I wrong?” Grayson cocks an eyebrow, his confidence growing as she purses her lips, eyeing him as if she’s reconsidering her previous judgment of him.

“I hate the thorns too”, she states matter of factly, turning her back on him. Glancing over her shoulder, she raises an eyebrow, “Coming? Or am I supposed to take your exams for you, Quarterback?”

With a lopsided grin, Grayson follows after, relishing in her sassy attitude. She must know how it affects him, draws him in. If anyone could tell him to get over his shit and act like a normal human being, it was Ella. Of course, his Ella took a while to open up in a way where she didn’t mind her tongue. His Ella is shy until one gets under her skin, a little more insecure. This Ella is a firecracker from the start, brazen.

For a moment, he feels guilty for liking that about her. He feels guilty for liking this Ella, but it’s still his Ella, is it not? She’s just got a different life experience. 

--

For the first time in his life, Grayson couldn’t stop staring. He was good at hiding his feelings, pushing down anything uncomfortable until he could ignore it, but he couldn’t do it. Not anymore. He sought her out even when she wasn’t close, he yearned for her shy smiles and annoyed eye rolls. He missed each time she’d glance his way and swiftly look away or the way she’d use her hands when she talks about something she’s passionate about. He wanted to see her hands when she’s talking about him, to be passionate about him – with him.

For the first time in his life, Grayson found himself chasing after a girl. She’s out of his league, he’s aware of it. She’s wife material and he isn’t sure he could settle down any time soon, but waiting too long might mean she’ll find someone who is ready for all the things he’d like to have with her. Because no matter how scary it seems to commit when he’s unsure if he’s able to love someone, losing the opportunity to find out seems scarier.

For the first time in his life he wanted to reach out and ask her to hold his hand, to look at him the same way she looks at puppies because he only ever saw her look at them with love. He wants to hear her laugh at his jokes and he wants her to call him out on the shit he does and hold him accountable. He wants her to make an effort because she thinks he deserves to be saved, that he can be fixed. Maybe he should fix himself before asking her to love him, but she makes it better. With her, he finds all he thought he lost before – the will to try and do better.

“Are you okay?” Her voice catches him off guard, her eyes gentle, softer than he thought they could be. 

“You seem a million miles away”, she brushes over the part where he stared at her and he’s grateful. She could have called him a creep and walked away, but she didn’t. Instead, Ella reaches out, her hand resting atop of his and Grayson releases a heavy sigh, as if the weight of the world didn’t press on his chest anymore. It’s as if a single touch of her hand had made him whole.

“I feel better now.” Grayson musters a smile, “You make everything better.”

For the second time in his life, Grayson finds himself staring. Blinking seems so unnatural when his eyes are focused on such beauty as if a single moment lost would prove to be deadly. Not looking at her would make him crumble, blurt out the truth of who he is and how scared he is and how badly he needs her to hold him and say things will be alright. But she doesn’t.

For the second time in his life, Grayson found himself wishing for a girl to hold his hand, to tell him he’s worth saving. He wants her to smile and blush like she did when she brought his jersey back to him. He wants her to roll her pretty brown eyes and chuckle at him, but she doesn’t.

For the second time in his life, Grayson is wondering if he’s able to commit to anyone. Is he any better than the manwhore version of him from this alternative universe? 

He’s sitting next to a woman and he craves her attention and approval as if he doesn’t have a woman who offers all that and more. 

Does it really give him any reprieve if they’re the same soul cultivated in different universes? 

Perhaps she’d think it’s cute she captured his attention even in a different setting? Would Ella feel hurt or betrayed if he admitted he likes this version of her, as well?

“Are you okay?” Ella’s raspy voice catches him off guard, not just the sound, but the choice of wording. It’s the orotund tone she uses too; a little uncomfortable, lacking the softness his Ella would use with him. “You’re kinda staring and zoning out and I’m trying to explain this in the easiest way possible.”

Licking his lips, he nods, more to himself than her as he realizes this Ella and his Ella are definitely not the same person. Perhaps they look alike, but his Ella was kinder in a sense. Maybe kinder isn’t the proper word, but empathic?

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just have a slight headache.” Pushing his hair back, he clears his throat, “So, uh, there’s a game this Friday.”

“Oh”, her eyebrows raised, Ella tilts her head slightly to the left, waiting for him to explain.

“Well, we’re dating, fake dating and girlfriends usually wear their boyfriend’s jersey’s on the day of the game”, swallowing thickly, Grayson draws in a quick breath. “Would you maybe wear mine?”

Furrowing her eyebrows for a moment, Ella’s face relaxed again as her eyes fell to Grayson’s shaky left hand. Reaching out, she takes his hand in hers. Her grip is firm, certain, no doubts as she gives it a squeeze. 

“Yeah. It’s not like it’s my first time.” Letting out a breathless chuckle, she shrugs, “And we did agree. So, I’ll wear your jersey and you pass this exam tomorrow.”

“Deal.” Grayson smiles as she purses her lips, but his smile quickly falls as she lets go of his hand and turns to the notes. She held his hand, but it’s not nearly as long as he wished for her hand to linger.

“Oh, wow, it’s true.” Someone speaks from behind them and Grayson frowns, turning back only to see a blonde, tall guy with a smirk plastered on his face.

“Danny!” Ella exclaims, jumping to her feet and straight into this guy’s arms.

Grayson’s eyes narrow as he looks how low his hands rest on Ella’s back, more so as the guy’s green eyes pierce him. He’s sizing him up just as much as Grayson’s doing to him. So, Grayson stands – letting him have something to size up. They may be the same height, but Grayson’s muscular, much more than him.

“So you’re really dating the Quarterback? I thought it was a joke.” Danny chuckles, his arm around Ella as she shifts uncomfortably at his words.

“Why?” Grayson raises an eyebrow, “She’s a beautiful, witty, intelligent woman. Any man would be lucky to have her.”

Smiling, Ella looks to Danny who nods, “Yes, I wasn’t demeaning her by asking. I’m saying I’m shocked she’d stoop as low to date you.”

Escaping his embrace, Ella steps away, “What the fuck, Daniel?”

Rolling his eyes, Daniel clicks his tongue, “Oh, come on! He’s whored his way through campus, you’re probably the last one he didn’t bag. He’ll use you and cast you aside, Ells. Men like him can’t commit.”

Chuckling from frustration more than finding anything amusing, Grayson steps closer to Ella, wrapping his arm around her waist. “Sounds like you know the type, Derrick.”

“It’s Daniel”, he corrects Grayson, visibly annoyed.

“Sure it is, Dario.”

Nostrils flaring, eyes narrowing, Daniel clenches his fists. “You can’t seriously think Ella is stupid to fall for your tricks.”

“Ella is right here and she’s perfectly capable of making her own decisions”, Grayson remarks, stepping in front of her, “Imply she’s stupid again and I’ll knock you on your ass so fast you won’t know what hit you.”

“Gray”, that’s when he feels it – her arms wrapping around him, her hand over his heart. “Please calm down, please.” Her head rests on his back, her hold on him tightening.

Softening at the sound of her frightened voice, Grayson steps back. “You’re lucky I value her good opinion more than your jealous remarks, Dicky.”

“It’s Daniel!” Raising his voice, Daniel shakes his head. “Ella, come on. Let’s go watch that movie before I lose my temper.”

Lips parting, Grayson glances at Ella who is blinking fast, biting on her bottom lip anxiously. “I think I’m gonna stay.”

“Seriously?” Daniel frowns, his green eyes fixed on her.

“I think I need some time away from you to reevaluate our friendship.” Ella states, her voice shaky and Grayson feels her body begin to shake as well.

“What?” Pointing at Grayson, Daniel speaks, “This is his doing! He’s manipulating you!”

Shaking her head, Ella seems to be lost. After years of liking this guy, she’s only now wondering why. “No, he’s not. You’re the asshole here. Your behavior toward my boyfriend is telling me I need to step back and create some distance because if you’re incapable of trusting I can make my own choices, I can’t trust you either.”

“He’ll break your heart.” Daniel states and Ella lets out a breathless chuckle.

“Maybe. But it’s my heart to break.”

And that’s when Grayson felt his heart break a little too. When he looks at her, he sees her heart is already cracked from this altercation. Daniel had been the culprit, but he feels responsible.

Walking away, Daniel doesn’t spare the pair a second glance. Ella’s quiet, holding onto Grayson. He can see she’s struggling to hold her tears at bay, but she’s successful. “We should review this part once again.”

“You don’t have to be brave with me.” Grayson tries but she waves him off.

“I’m fine.”

She’s not, but she can’t talk about it. Breaking down in tears isn’t exactly what she wants around Grayson. She’s hurt, confused and angry, but none of those emotions will help her. She wanted to make Daniel jealous a little, make him see what he could have if he stopped friendzoning her, but she didn’t expect him to disrespect her or say hurtful things about Grayson, as true as they may be.

“I’m fine”, she repeats before letting out a shuddered breath. “So, how did you get this result?”

Knowing better than to push her further, Grayson swallows thickly and plays along, taking this time with her as a chance to help her clear her head. His Ella always worked herself to the bone when she didn’t want to think about something, maybe this Ella needed the same. If she’s anything like his Ella, she’ll open up when she’s ready and for now, Grayson has nothing but time.

--

“Hey”, Grayson comes up behind Ella, making her gasp.

Slapping a hand over her mouth to hold in a shrill scream, she turns around only to whack Grayson with her free hand. “Jerk!”

Raising his hands in mock surrender, Grayson’s mouth curved into a smile. “I wanted to hug my girl, not my fault she’s a scaredy cat!”

Rolling her eyes, she takes a step closer so he couldn’t miss her glare, “I prefer not to have Quarterbacks giving me heart attacks. A warning would have been nice!” Her voice is tremulous, her hands still shaky.

“I was gonna offer to walk you to your dorm”, Grayson’s smile falls as he realizes he truly did scare her which wasn’t his intention at all. He didn’t see her that day more than a few times in passing, so he got excited for a moment of her time finally seemed to be open for him to claim as his.

“Just don’t sneak up on me when the sun is going down, okay?” Ella crosses her arms over her chest as she looks left to right before her eyes set on Grayson who pales, realizing his mistake.

“Oh, shit”, he pinches the bridge of his nose, frustrated with himself. Who the fuck goes up to a girl in an empty street at dusk? Idiots like him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think.”

Cracking a smile, she nods, “Yeah”, exhaling loudly, she points ahead, “I live about ten minutes that way.”

“You’re letting me walk with you?” Grayson’s eyes widen, a little too excited and Ella could tell. 

“It’s getting dark and you’re kinda big and scary looking to potential killers.” Ella shrugs, “I don’t mind a bodyguard right now.”

The corners of his mouth turned up, licking his lips quickly before taking her hand in his. He noticed her tense up, but she didn’t fight his touch. Her hand felt sweaty, but he held on tightly as if it were his safety rope and letting go would mark him for death.

“Do you believe people can really change?” Grayson wonders out loud, hoping Ella would show some signs of changing her opinion on him. She let him hold her hand, isn’t that progress?

“I believe some people are beyond help.” Ella sighs, glancing up at Grayson whose face fell with her words, “But I don’t think you are. If anything, you feel like someone I’ve known my entire life and I know it’s insane but I feel like I trust you more than I should.”

His heart fluttered with her confession, acutely aware it means he has more of a chance than he originally thought.

“I feel the same way”, Grayson admits, “You’re like coming up for fresh air, like spring after a long winter.”

Beaming, she fanned herself with her free hand, “I - that was - uh, that was really poetic”, Ella stumbled over her words, unable to form a coherent sentence and she never realized how much Grayson affected her. She may have been attracted to him before, but she couldn’t pretend she didn’t like him now that she got a chance to see what’s behind his popularity façade. 

“You make me feel poetic”, Grayson’s husky tone made her simper, looking away as heat rushed to her face.

“Wow, okay! A silver tongue charmer.” Ella stops, stepping in front of Grayson with a coy smile dancing along her lips. “We’re here.”

Pressing his lips together, Grayson looked at the walls of the building with slight frustration. He wished they had more time to talk, it finally felt like he made progress.

“If I say I wish we could spend more time together, would you hold it against me?” Ella raises her eyebrows expectantly, her defenses lowered.

“I could come in”, Grayson gave her a half smile, one she could bask in all night long if she would just ignore the little voice in her head reminding her how dangerous Grayson Dolan is to her heart.

“It would be a bad idea.” She lets go of his hand, licking her lips. “Maybe another time.”

Nodding, Grayson sniffled, his allergies making his nose runny. “I swear I’m not crying, I have allergies!”

Giggling, Ella smirks, “Sure. And here I thought you were having a hard time parting with me.”

His smile fading, Grayson’s face loses the usual lightheartedness, “I always have a hard time parting with you.”

Knitting her eyebrows, Ella’s lips part, “You’ve just met me five days ago.”

Shrugging, Grayson steps back, “Feels like a lifetime.” Nodding over to the front door of her dorm, he manages a small smile, “Go in, I’ll wait till you’re inside.”

Licking her lips, she exhales loudly. She takes a few steps away, her back turned on Grayson. Stopping, she glances over her shoulder at him - standing there with the sun setting behind him, a picture perfect man with his hands in his front pockets and she felt breathless as she took him in. Shaking her head, she rushed toward him. With her hands on his shoulders, she stood on her tiptoes until her lips pecked his cheek - fleetingly, feather light kind of a kiss that nearly stopped Grayson’s heart.

“I’ll see you soon”, she told him before she ran to the door. She stopped as her hand gripped the metal handle, looking back at him with a grin and Grayson knew he was in trouble - he liked this Ella, a little too much.

--

Grayson rarely felt as confident as he did when he was on the field. The screaming crowd always gave him enough of an ego boost to run on for a couple of weeks after. It’s been a long time since he was on the field, much too long not to be anxious about it, especially when he knew his teammates weren’t exactly friendly with him at the moment. Apparently if you sleep around with their girlfriends behind their backs, they might end up resenting you for it. Yet another thing he could thank manwhore Grayson for.

The game isn’t the only thing making him nervous. Ella wearing his jersey meant they would officially claim their fake dating trope and knowing she might not be entirely into the idea had left him wondering if he’s forcing it on her.

A part of him wanted to hold her hand and ignore the sinking feeling and insecurities, but another part of him lived to see her smile. Her smile had made all the difference in the world. Instead of responding to the constant wave of girls trying to flirt their way to his pants, he only cared for one smile, one pair of eyes, just one girl who could make him swoon.

“How do we do this?” Ella frowns, looking at the door. She’s nervous, he can tell. All the classic signs of his Ella are there – biting her lip, crossing her arms at her chest only to tap her fingers on her forearms, blinking fast. She needed reassurance, Grayson simply wished to provide her with it when he placed his arm around her shoulders and pulled her in.

“Oh”, she exclaims, caught off guard. “Didn’t realize we’d go for the half embrace, jersey on the special game kind of a walk, but sure.” With a tight lipped smile, Ella made the first step toward the door and Grayson followed.

Far too happy about the initial few gasps upon their entrance, Grayson grins. It’s official now, he’s staking his claim and taking charge and Ella is once again his. The girls whisper about as they walk past them, the guys spare no attempt to hide their wandering eyes from taking in the girl that made a guy like Grayson Dolan fold and commit.

“Don’t you two look lovely”, Ethan winks as he crosses their path, suppressing a smile as Grayson’s shit eating grin grows wider if that’s even possible.

“Your brother seems to be happy with our endeavor”, Ella notes. “Almost as if he knows the truth.”

“He does, but he’s also a sucker for romance. Says this is how most books start, but they never end this way.”

Raising an eyebrow, Ella cranes her neck to better look at her so-called boyfriend, “And do pray tell, how do they end?”

“A wedding.” Grayson chuckles, leading her to her first class of the day.

Stopping, Ella untangles herself from Grayson’s side almost instantly, leaving Grayson with a frown paired with a pout she found almost endearing

“Good thing we’re not in a book.”

Nodding, Grayson purses his lips, “I guess so. Wouldn’t be the worst thing though.”

Furrowing her eyebrows, Ella narrows her eyes ever so slightly. “What do you mean?”

A small smile plays on his lips, one that is near her as he leans in. His lips brush her earlobe and she holds her breath, her heartbeat skipping as he whispers, “There are worse things than having you as a wife.”

Swallowing thickly, Ella watched him step back with a cocky smile, praying her cheeks aren’t red. But they are. Her cheeks seem to know no other color but red when Grayson is close by.

“I’ll see you for the game, alright?” Grayson presses two fingers to his lips only to rest them back on hers, “Call me if you need me.”

And so, as he walked away, Ella remained rooted. For the first time in a long time, she fully understood what all those girls saw in this frat manwhore and it concerned her greatly to know he could disarm her so easily and she allowed it to happen. What upset her further is that she wished it had been his lips atop hers, not just his fingers.

As the day continued, such as they always do, Ella found herself thinking back to moments spent with Grayson and it only amplified her curiosity. The Grayson she heard of felt entirely like a fabrication at this point. This Grayson, dare she say – her – Grayson is much better than anyone gives him credit for.

In the time spent together, she had come to see him as a flawed human being, but one who is learning from his mistakes and rectifying them. It’s not impossible for her to truly care for him if he continues down that path. Perhaps in the near future, she wouldn’t care about the dashing Daniel she was so enamored by. Perhaps Grayson could be the one she desires after all. 

There are worse fates than a wedding, she thought..

--

Grayson would like to say he didn’t miss Ella, but he’d be lying. No, he doesn’t mean this Ella, rather his Ella. He tells himself he needs to let go of her, of the softness in her raspy voice whenever she speaks to him or the flowery scents she’s obsessed with, but he cannot reconcile the possibility of never seeing her.

Could he truly fall for this Ella and accept his Ella is to be lost forever? Can he surrender and learn to live in his new life as if he had never known the tender kisses she’d leave on his jaw or the way she’d trail his tattoos every morning after making love. She’s the reason why he stopped calling it fucking or sex. Ella is why it became something more. How can anyone top that? Even if it’s another version of her, what if Grayson never moves on?

“You good?” Ethan smacks him on the back and Grayson’s breath leaves him. Eyes wide, he nods, inhaling sharply.

“How big is this game?” Grayson wets his lips, finally hearing the cheering from the stands as he comes closer to the tunnel. Ethan shrugs, swiping his thumb just under his bottom lip.

“Career defining. We have scouts watching us tonight.” Ethan frowns, “If you wanted to fuck up our lives, botching tonight would be a fucktastic way to do it.”

“Great”, Grayson releases a heavy sigh, “No pressure then.”

Rolling his eyes, Ethan places his hands on Grayson’s padded shoulders, “Look, you’re not bad. You’ve been busting your ass in practice and you’re in shape, so just remember the plays and we’ll be good.”

“I’m the fucking quarterback, E. Why didn’t you take over for the night?”

Narrowing his eyes ever so slightly, Ethan gives Grayson a pointed look, “Because I have faith in you.”

“Somehow that makes it worse”, Grayson shakes his head, lips pressing into a thin line.

“Ella’s watching. Impress the girl and scouts and you’ll be on top of the world.”

And with that, Grayson put his helmet on and rushed onto the field with the rest of the team. He didn’t know what would happen, but he knew he had to try. If he doesn’t try, what’s the point? Life is about trying, again and again. Maybe some things are far too broken to be fixed, but he can piece himself up into a man every version of Ella would be proud to call hers.

Taking his position, Grayson scanned the stands quickly. His eye caught the empty seat where Ella was supposed to be and his heart sunk. She didn’t come.

Drawing a deep breath, Grayson swallows thickly.

“She’s with the cheerleaders!” Ethan shouts and Grayson’s head whips around to the cheerleaders only to find Ella waving at him.

A grin forms on his face as he waves back, wishing nothing more than to hold her in his arms. He really needs her tonight and maybe he can’t love her like he should, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her at all. This Ella, his Ella, any Ella – this woman’s soul is meant for him as much as his is meant for her. Just because he’s not the Grayson who gave her the jersey she ended up bringing back to him, doesn’t mean he can’t enjoy being the Grayson she likes. And she likes him – Grayson can tell.

Once the game started, Grayson had realized one thing - football is the way his entire being sang - a kind of music played in a way only the players and fans could hear. It was as if it is his opera, a tale of emotions told in struggle for the chance of earned glory.

Nothing could lessen the adrenaline coursing through his veins – not the mud, not the pain of being tackled nor the way he swore he’d pass out from all the running and shouting. Each time he managed to bring that football over the line, Grayson looked to Ella who jumped in excitement as if she actually cared about the result.

Deep down, Ella did care. It meant a lot to Grayson, not just winning but his position and popularity all stemmed from his ability to run with a ball without getting a concussion from a tackle. Every time he was on the ground, Ella had to physically restrain herself from running to his side. It hurt her to hear his pained grunts and for a moment, she cursed the moment she decided to ask her roommate to get her down to the field with the cheerleaders. She cashed in a favor to be closer to Grayson, regardless of the result and somehow she ended up getting a closer view of each time he was viciously brought onto the ground.

By the end, Grayson scored the winning touchdown and the crowd went wild. There isn’t a soul in that stadium that could deny the game was one of the best they’ve seen and no one doubted Grayson Dolan is a quarterback meant for much more than college football.

She saw him take his helmet off, the sweat matting his hair onto his forehead. The smile upon his lips felt like the sun itself shone upon her, especially when his hazel eyes found hers.

Fighting off his teammates' attempt to pick him up and carry him, Grayson ran straight toward her.

Ella heard about it, read about it – that moment when time seems to stop and you’re caught in between heartbeats and your breath is caught in your throat. Her heart is only human, flawed and frail and it feels as if it would give up on fighting to keep up with her emotions that explode inside her as Grayson comes closer and closer until she finds his arms around her waist and her feet off the ground.

She’s above him, her hands wrapped around his neck, fingertips buried in the hair at the back of his head. Her forehead rests atop of his, her smile as wide as his and for a moment, she throws caution out with the wind. Grayson spins them around, a throaty chuckle escaping him and his sweat doesn’t bother her even as she feels him soak her clothes. She doesn’t care about the people watching or the flashing cameras and she could care less about what anyone thinks about how odd of a pair they seem to be.

In the moment, she realizes he had wrecked her plans. She wanted to use him to gain Daniel’s affection, but he’s surprised her once again and he’s her man -  at least for the night. Ella had learned one important thing – Grayson is full of surprises and she wouldn’t mind discovering every inch of his complicated mind.

Without a warning, she leans down – stealing the few inches of distance between them. Her lips press against Grayson’s who freezes with the action. His facial features are heaven to Ella’s heart and soul, but she could be so happily mesmerized by those lips for all the days heaven grants her to come.

No longer stunned, Grayson’s dry lips join Ella’s in the public display of affection he certainly didn’t expect. In that moment of the kiss their chemistry becomes an ever-bright flame no one could deny, not even Ella.

And a sobering thought reminded her this might be just another kiss for Grayson. He may be handsome and charming, but there is a reason he’s also known as a manwhore and that thought makes her dread the future she could have with him. No matter how hard she tries, all she can see is heartbreak and he’d be fine – she would be the one to suffer, grieving for the living. He’s put roots in her heart and yet she can’t allow for them to grow.

Breaking the kiss, she draws a shuddered breath as her eyes remain closed for a moment longer. She just wants to remember it – the way he had made her feel like she’s whole, at home. It’s always going to be their first kiss, and if Ella had anything to do with it, it would be their last as well.

“Go”, she opens her eyes only to be met with his lopsided grin and a new kind of glow to his beautiful eyes. He looks blissful.

“Come with me”, his voice is hoarse, desperately holding onto her. But the moment’s passed, he can’t keep her a prisoner in his embrace forever. Grayson puts her down, his hands moving from her hips to her hands, barely holding on by their fingertips.

“You have a whole team waiting on you, a bunch of reporters and I know there are scouts who would love to talk to you. I’ll see you in the morning for our tutoring session if you don’t oversleep.” She chuckles, trying to hide how shaky she feels on the inside. Somehow, telling him to go felt deeper than that and she could see Grayson pick up on that too.

His forehead wrinkles, his eyebrows furrowing as he steps closer and she finds herself breathless. Wasn’t he close enough?

“You’re more important. Say the word and we can go anywhere you want.”

She could hear him clearly, feel the earnest tone of his voice in her bones. He seems to care about her but that promises nothing. Grayson is dangerous in the kind of way that would leave her desolate and wounded for years to come. Daniel is the safer option. The jealousy he displayed was enough to confirm her suspicions of him liking her back and she had to choose the lesser evil.

“Be by our tree in the morning and don’t leave me waiting too long, okay?” She smiles, trying to reassure him and yet his heart aches.

“I won’t drink. I’ll be there.” Grayson places a kiss on her forehead, a long lasting kind of a kiss that somehow felt more intimate than the one they shared minutes ago.

“Stay safe”, she steps back and as their hands part at the fingertips, Grayson swallows thickly. A part of him screamed at him to stay, but the other part could see Ella needed to be alone. He needed to respect her desire for space even if it hurts him.

--

Grayson honored his promise not to drink even a single drop of alcohol, despite peer pressure. He had decided that while Ella may have wanted to go home earlier, it didn’t mean he couldn’t come by and wish her a good night. Truth be told, he’d have traded the night for a moment with her, but he couldn’t destroy a life that isn’t his – not really.

He did manage to secure a few tryouts and summer program offers for himself, but when the talks were over, Grayson hit the showers and headed straight to Ella’s dorm room. 

He had one simple thought in mind – he’d admit he likes her and take her reaction for what it is. She may care for him or she may not, regardless of the outcome Grayson refused to cower and hide his feelings.

Maybe that’s why it shattered him so when he had seen her lip-locked with someone else. 

Lips parting, he felt himself sway as the gravity of the moment tore into him. She had taken his heart and she broke it apart, shredded the last bit of sanity he clung to. It feels like death, just the same as bereavement and in this quiet moment as he’s unable to avert his gaze it chokes the breath from his body and short circuits his mind. What was once whole is shattered; where once was peace now there is emptiness, echoes of a love he put his everything into.

Stumbling back, clutching his chest, Grayson walked back to his room. He can hardly remember how he got there, but he knew that he never missed his old life more. 

Ella was right, she’d never fall in love with a jock. She’d never fall in love with him in this life. 

While she was always in his head, even when he was scared to death to admit to it, Grayson seemed to be an afterthought in her head. 

He’s no longer afraid to admit the one truth he never told anyone – Grayson Dolan is wholeheartedly in love with Marizella Coleman, hopelessly hers in every universe he finds himself in.

There isn’t anything left to cling to, yet he can’t help but whisper her name under his breath – over and over, Grayson repeats her name like a lullaby until he finally falls asleep. 

--

“What exactly does this mean?” Ella traced a moon tattoo on Grayson’s chest, her interest piqued. It took five months for her and Grayson to get intimate, two more before she broke out of her shell and truly embraced that Grayson is hers. 

When she first met him, Grayson was lost. His priorities were all over the place, his mental health at an all time low and his bed was occupied by a different girl each night. 

It bothered her how careless he was with his mind and body, even more so by the fact that she wanted to give him her heart. But she bore witness to his ability to break hearts and she didn’t want to be another one in the line. 

If she was honest with herself, Grayson didn’t even know she existed. Not until he nearly knocked her out on the beach while chasing a ball. She knew him before he ever knew her and that made her careful, paranoid in a sense. If all those beautiful women couldn’t make him stay, how would she, an average girl next door, ever keep his interest long enough for him to see that she’s perfect for him?

“Nothing, it’s just pretty.” Grayson murmurs, wishing he could just wrap her up in his arms and forget about the world for the day. 

“You don’t get a tattoo because it’s pretty, Grayson”, Ella’s croaky morning voice forced his eyes open and a smile to form on his lips. He truly loves the sound of her voice more than the bird’s song.

“It’s my aesthetic”, Grayson’s cheeky smile makes her roll her eyes.

“Well then, I really shouldn’t show you the tattoo of my first boyfriend’s name then, should I?” She shrugged, turning away from Grayson who sat up quickly, his eyes wide and body rigid.

“I’D HAVE SEEN IT BY NOW”, Grayson exclaims, his voice penetratingly loud so much so Ella could hear Ethan grumble from his bedroom.

“It’s not easily noticeable”, Ella chuckles as Grayson’s jaw clicks, “But it’s my aesthetic, so it’s nothing. Maybe we can name our first born like that so it doesn’t go to waste”, she glances at Grayson with a coy look in her eyes, finding him heaving and ready to throw hands.

“Over my dead body”, Grayson growls, pulling her back to him as she yelps. Her laugh drowns out her scream as Grayson pins her down to the mattress beneath him, his hands firmly holding her by the wrists.

“Whatchu’ gonna do, big boy?” She teases him as he cocks an eyebrow, pursing his lips.

“I’ll make sure you scream my name so many times that no one ever comes to your mind again.”

--

Ella didn’t have any tattoos, but Grayson sure had fun finding out on his own. That was the first time she was no longer timid around him and he absolutely loved her teasing. Grayson didn’t enjoy remembering his Ella as much as he used to. Every memory brought him pain now that she was gone; that both of them were gone.

Avoiding Ella had become second nature and it wasn’t as difficult as he thought it would be. 

Waking up earlier to get to practice first, leaving last had given him no time to ponder on his broken heart. He’d arrive last and leave first during classes, avoiding the tree he had met her by twice so far. She did text him, leave a few voice messages as well, but Grayson didn’t bother checking what they said. 

Why torture himself further?

However, he forgot one simple fact about Ella that seems to be universal – she’s stubborn and that stubbornness had led to him finding her asleep with a book open on her chest right before his bedroom doors.

“Jesus”, he whispers under his breath, dragging his right hand across his face before resting his hands on his hips. Licking his lips, Grayson lets out a heavy sigh, unsure what to do. He can’t be around her anymore, not when he had a taste of happiness and lost it. 

He held tightly to her because she’s Ella – because her soul speaks to his, because even in the darkest nights she would be his compass. But this Ella isn’t his Ella, she’s never going to be his Ella and he hoped he’d somehow convince himself she is. 

Truth be told, he didn’t know what he was thinking when he got involved with her. She had no recollection of their time together in his universe, she had no obligation to care about him and his feelings. She barely knows him and what she knows is scarcely him and mostly the Grayson that belongs in this universe. 

Reluctantly, Grayson taps her shoulder. She flinches, the book falling with a thud as her wide eyes fix on his figure and that’s when they narrow and set aflame.

“Where the hell have you been?!” She stands abruptly, pointing the tip of her index finger at his chest, “I’ve been trying to reach you for a week!” Poking his chest, her nostrils flare, “I thought you were lying dead in a ditch somewhere!”

Wrapping his hand around her index finger, Grayson encases her entire hand along with it. “I’m sorry, I needed time.”

“Time? Time for what?” She frowns, the horizontal line between her eyebrows forming. 

“To make my peace with you and Kenny”, he sighs. He watches her face change from a frown to disbelief and when she rolls her eyes, he knows she’s annoyed with him.

“It’s Danny and he’s not my anything.” Placing her free hand on his cheek, she cocks her head to the left ever so slightly, “He’s not even a friend anymore. I don’t give a shit about him.”

“So why was he kissing you on game night?” Grayson counters, lips pressed in a thin line while hers part.

“Were you stalking me?”

Shaking his head, Grayson releases her hand while dragging the other one away from his face. 

“No. I wanted to see you and I did. With him.” Clenching his jaw, Grayson felt a wave of jealousy wash over him and it didn’t help that Ella had chuckled dryly.

“He kissed me and I was shocked but I pushed him away. And I told him I’m taken.” Licking her lips, she averts her gaze to the thread hanging from his sleeve. “By you”, she continues, “I told him you’re the one and I went inside and went to sleep.”

“You chose me?” Grayson releases a shaky breath, unsure what to do. “You can’t choose me, Ella.”

Furrowing her eyebrows, she steps back, “Oh! You don’t like me?” She swallows thickly, folding her arms across her chest. In all the scenarios she had made up in her head, him not liking her back was never one of them. It mortified her how silly she must look to him.

“No, no, I do!” Grayson stops her before she spirals, cupping her cheeks gently, “I like you, if I’m being completely honest, but I’m not…” Closing his eyes, Grayson smiles in disbelief over what he’s about to say, “You’re gonna think I’m crazy, but I have to be honest.”

“You’re scaring me”, she says softly, her voice shaky. 

“If I told you I’m Grayson from an alternative universe and that we’re a couple in that universe, would you believe me?” 

Her breathing becomes softer, the pensive look melting into a smile as soft as the morning light. “Okay, that’s cute, but I don’t think it’s time for jokes.”

“You started writing a book when you were sixteen and you never told anyone.” Grayson states and she stumbles back, eyes wide. She had never spoken aloud of her book, never once. That book remains in a locked folder on her old laptop, not even she had laid her eyes on it in two years. She gave up on it completely. 

“How?”

“You absolutely adore the ocean and believe you were a mermaid in a previous life.” Grayson continues as Ella pales.

“You’ve always hated coffee, but if you have to drink it you add half a cup of milk and four sugar cubes.”

Shaking her head, she runs her hands through her hair, unable to comprehend what Grayson is saying.

“You’ve always been terrified of the dark, so you sleep with a pink turtle nightlight you’ve had since you were ten. You have a beauty mark between your breasts you absolutely hate and are insecure about, but I find it sexy as hell.”

“HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL OF THAT?” Ella shouts in panic, her breathing labored. 

“Because I know you. From a different universe, but it’s you. And I love you. With all my heart and I know this is crazy, but I woke up here and everything changed overnight.” Slumping to the ground, Grayson hides his face in his hands. “And I fucking miss her. I miss my Ella so, so much and I have never been worthy of her, but she loves me anyway and I’m here.”

A hand on his shoulder makes his heart skip a beat, bearing her weight as she uses him to slide to the ground next to him. 

“What is she like?” Ella’s shaky hand slides down his arm, slipping into his hand. She’s quiet, defeated by the news, in shock if she’s entirely honest. It’s way too much all at once and she never thought it could be possible she’d like Grayson Dolan so much it hurt to imagine him with anyone, even if that someone is herself.

“She sold that book and is writing a second book while studying. And she’s kind, witty and shy but incredibly outgoing with people she’s comfortable with.” Grayson doesn’t even notice the smile on his face as he speaks of his Ella, but this Ella does. She’s jealous of her alternative self for having a guy like Grayson smile as he mentions her. She hates her other self for being brave enough to publish the book and live her dreams...well, old dreams. She’s not dreaming about being a writer anymore.

“I love her, but I was afraid to tell her that. I was afraid of fully committing myself to her.” Grayson admits, unsure what good it does him now.

“When did you wake up here?” She interrupts him, wanting to know what was him and what wasn’t. Has it always been this Grayson? Did she spend all this time falling in love with the wrong guy?

“Woke up with a killer headache after some frat party. Think it was that party when he gave you the jersey.” Grayson glances at her, noticing a small smile upon her lips.

“So it was him then”, she sighs. Leaning her head on the door, she closes her eyes. “But all of this was you.”

“Yeah.” Grayson intertwines their fingers, seeking comfort. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be”, Ella shrugs, “That Grayson wouldn’t have bothered with me.”

“That Grayson is a manwhoring mess.” Grayson chuckles, “But I was the same before I met my Ella. Maybe he just needs a nudge in the right direction.”

“Is it bad if I wish you to stay here?” Ella’s voice is quiet and wobbly, just above a whisper and it catches Grayson off guard.

“Is it bad if I say I fell in love with you just as I fell for my Ella?” Grayson counters and she lets out a breathless chuckle.

“It’s not bad, I mean I’m still Ella. Just on a different path in life.” Shrugging, she leans her head on Grayson’s shoulder, “Maybe that Grayson is you on a different path too? Maybe he doesn’t need an Ella of his own?”

Wrapping an arm around Ella, Grayson brings her closer to him, “Every Grayson needs an Ella.”

And in the silence, they found the comfort they both seek. It’s not right, but it felt perfect.

“You two are gloomy.” Ethan states, scaring them both. They were perfectly content staring at nothing in particular, just sitting there with the inner struggle wrecking them apart.

“You should wear a bell”, Grayson remarks and Ethan rolls his eyes.

“When you say shit like that, I genuinely can’t tell the difference”, Ethan steps aside, trying to get to the door.

“Does he know?” Ella asks and Grayson nods.

“Yeah, he’s the only one who knew.”

Furrowing his eyebrows, Ethan glares at Grayson, “So you told her?”

“Yup”, Ella exclaims.

“Great!” Ethan opens the door, letting the pair fall on their backs with a string of curses from Grayson’s mouth and a small yelp from Ella’s. 

Grayson barely got up to his feet, helping Ella up as well when Ethan screamed, “KRISTINA FOLLOWED ME BACK!”

--

Laying on the bed with Grayson beside her, Ella wasn’t sure what to think anymore. Part of her thought she’s insane for believing him so quickly, yet another part of her knew with absolute certainty that no one couldn’t know the details he mentioned a few weeks ago and that if he knew them, the other version of her must have truly loved him to spill the beans.

Ever since then, they’ve been inseparable. Ella knew it was unwise to spend so much time with Grayson, to get involved more than she already has. One day, she’d wake up next to the other Grayson and she’d be left alone. It would be over before it started and she didn’t know how to accept the fact he’s never going to be hers. Not really.

“What are you thinking about?” Grayson breaks the silence, noticing she’s deep in thought.

“About the day I wake up to the other you.” She admits and Grayson frowns, propping himself up on his elbows. He’s never going to get used to how straightforward this Ella is. He both loves and fears that about her.

“You think it’s gonna happen?”

Nodding, she sighs, “I just feel it. It’s unexplainable.”

Swallowing thickly, Grayson licks his lips, “If it does, don’t give up on me.” 

Grayson’s eyes flicker to her lips only to pull away before he dares to even think about it further. They may be spending all of this time together and sleep in the same bed most nights, but they’ve never once kissed since the night of the game. Ella said she wanted to give her other self some much deserved respect and not cheat though she wasn’t sure if it qualified as cheating either.

“You? That won’t be you, Gray.” Ella rubs her nose, sniffling. “He won’t be you, just like I’ll never be Ella for you. Which sucks.” Tears brim her long eyelashes, tugging at Grayson’s heartstrings.

“You are Ella. Even though you’re a little braver and confident, you’re her and she is you.” Grayson tries, but Ella shakes her head.

“No. That’s not true! I don’t have her memories or experiences and that’s what shapes a person. That Grayson won’t be you and truth be told, I’m not sure if I want him at all.” Sitting up, she hides her face in her hands.

 “I’m not braver either, I’m just rougher around the edges. I could never publish that book like she did or move to Los Angeles and date a famous YouTuber.” Breathing fast, Ella felt like her head would explode.

“Hey, hey, hey”, Grayson says softly, his hands running up and down her back in hopes of soothing her. “Ells, what’s wrong?”

“Everything!” She exclaims, “I want you and I can’t have you! I can’t be with you when you’re already mine but in a different world and even if I ignore that, I can’t ignore the fact that sometime, even ten years down the line I could wake up to the other Grayson instead of you and it’s making me crazy!”

Wrapping his arms around Ella, Grayson held her close as she wept long into the night and he had never quite understood all the stories of the way your entire being hurts when your heart is broken and his heart is fucking shattered.

He’s holding the reason for his existence in his arms and he can’t ease her pain because he’s the cause of it. He wants to love her and she wants to love him back, but they can’t and Ella is right – even if he ignored the fact he’s not from her universe and went for it, there was no telling how long he’d be there.

In a spiritual life, much like the physical, there is an inhale and an exhale; the soul needs to inhale the feelings of another soul in order to claim them, to enrich them before returning it in an exhale. Without this, there is no life for the heart, without it, the heart is suffocating, suffering, withering.

And that’s exactly how Grayson and Ella feel right now – suffocating, suffering, withering.

As her breathing evens out and Grayson realizes she’s fallen asleep despite the occasional sob she lets out in her sleep, he looks up at the ceiling and sighs heavily as if the world’s weight is crushing him.

“Please make this right. For her sake. I don’t even care what happens to me, just make Ella happy again. Please.”

And when Grayson closed his eyes, he never imagined it would be the last night he spends in her bed.

--

With closed eyes, Grayson reached out for Ella. He didn’t remember when she slipped out of his arms in the night, but he wouldn’t consciously keep it that way. Having her close felt like a lifeline for Grayson, even if they were trying to keep it platonic. Too often did he consider just moving on with her, pretending as if his life is in a universe made not for him.

He wanted to stay and help Ethan get with Kristina, to help his sister start her own design company if she was still interested in that field or to simply go home and see his family. He wondered far too often how they were, but he never dared to ask Ethan about it. It’s a sore subject for Grayson, even now. He imagined it was the same for Ethan.

“Ella?” He grumbles, squinting to find her when his arm fails. Furrowing his eyebrows, he looks at the much larger bed he’s on with a concerned look upon his face. “What the –“, he starts only to recognize the bed-sheets Ella spent three days making a pro/con list for. “Oh God”, Grayson jumps to his feet, looking around wildly.

The lamp next to his bed is replaced by an old alarm clock, his windows are covered with drapes he doesn’t remember having and the floor is covered in clothes Grayson never saw in his life. Looking down, he finds his thighs are covered in tattoos and a choked sob escapes him.

He’s not sure if he’s happy or not about the possibility of being in his own universe again. There is still a chance he’s in a new universe altogether, but even if he’s back home, what exactly is he coming home to? What exactly did he leave behind?

That Ella must have had a shock of a lifetime when she woke up to the manwhore version of himself and he wished he could apologize to her for it, but he’ll never get to see her or talk to her again.

And then he remembered, “Ella”, he breathed out as he ran to the door. He’s not sure if she’s even there, if she even stayed after the switch brought his worst self to her bed and he realized his Ella had woken up to that Grayson too.

Heart in his throat, Grayson stumbles as he heads to the kitchen where he hears movement. He isn’t sure what is waiting for him here, but when he sees the messy bun he always loved to untangle and the back of her neck that he loved to kiss, Grayson felt his heart stop.

Swallowing thickly, he stood there, frozen at the sight of her. She’s so close that he could have her in his arms in a few steps, but would she forgive him if he told her he kissed the other Ella? Would she forgive him if he told her he had started liking the life he had in that universe?

Wetting his lips, he lets his heart guide him as his feet take him closer and once he’s there, his arms wrap around her on instinct. His head rests on her shoulder and he can feel her tense up, but he’s barely holding back tears as he inhales her familiar scent.

Grayson missed Ella in every possible way. His soul yearned for hers and being back in her presence had made him crumble.

“What are you doing?” She groans, trying to unwrap his arms from around her waist. “I told you I will never sleep with you!” She raises her voice as she slaps at his hands and Grayson finally snaps out of it, releasing her.

She whips around, eyes narrowed at Grayson who furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. Pointing the tip of her index finger at his chest, Ella’s nostrils flare, “You have to stop this! I’m not a toy you can play with whenever you feel like it. I’m in pain!” She exclaims, pausing as she averts her gaze and her hand drops, “Do you even know what seeing you feels for me?” She sniffles as tears fill her eyes. “You’re wearing his face and body, but you’re too different. You’ve become better, you’ve done the work, but I love him. I can’t just forget about that.”

Drawing in a deep breath, Grayson felt his heart break further. It never occurred to him how hard this might have been for his Ella. She was stuck with the manwhore who would have broken her heart and he did. It was a relief she knew it wasn’t him, at least. His Ella knew better than the other Ella.

“And I love you”, Grayson manages a smile, “I’m sorry it took me this long to tell you.”

“What?” Ella crosses her arms, looking at him as if he’s offended her.

“It’s me, Ella. I’m back.” Grayson tries reaching out for her hand only to have her shake her head and move away. She’s physically revolted by his presence while he’s aching for a smile from her pressed lips.

“You’ve tried this before. I’m not going to fall for your shitty tricks”, Ella heaves, a hand placed on her chest as her tears spill over.

“He tried this?!” Grayson practically growls, slamming his fist on the countertop. “Did he touch you?” Grayson’s jaw clenches as he looks to a shaky Ella who isn’t sure what to say or believe anymore. It’s like she’s drowning with no help in sight.

“Please stop”, she croaks, “I thought you and I were friends now.”

Chuckling dryly, Grayson shakes his head, “Your pet fish was called Goldie because she was gold. Your turtle Rocky bit her tail off and she died.” Stepping closer, he points at her chest, “You have a birthmark right between your breasts.” Pursing his lips, he wonders what else he could tell her. Her eyes are wide, glistening with tears, but he has to let her know it’s him. “When we first met you called me and Ethan snotty teenagers. You hate my decorating skills and you hate my snoring.”

“Grayson?” Her voice is shaky as she steps closer, reaching her trembling hand out. Her palm finds its way to his cheek and Grayson leans into it with a soft sigh. “You came back to me?”

Taking her face in his hands, he rests his forehead on hers, “I did.”

“It’s been so hard”, she whispers and he closes his eyes.

“You were right, you know?” Grayson’s nose brushes hers, “You wouldn’t like the jock Grayson. But I really liked college Ella.” 

Grayson often debated if he should be honest with Ella if he somehow made his way back home and despite his doubts, he remembers their relationship is founded on honesty. He promised her he’d always tell her the truth and he couldn’t look her in the eye and ignore the fact he had felt a little heartbroken about the Ella he left behind.

“You met me?” She steps back, wanting to look at him better.

“I’ll always find you”, Grayson smiles.

“You fell for her, didn’t you?” Ella steps back, hurt flashing behind her brown eyes.

“I did fall for her”, Grayson admits, “But I love you.”

Staring at Grayson, Ella didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know how to feel either. Would she be right to hold it against him? After all, it was still her. Grayson loved her, in every universe. So why does it feel like he had cheated on her? Why does her heart bleed?

“Did you touch her like you touch me?”

Breaking eye contact, Grayson leans on the countertops, “I kissed her once.”

“Once”, Ella chuckles dryly. “I almost had sex with the other you, but at least I didn’t know the truth. You knew the girl you were kissing wasn’t really me. She’s someone I will never be and she will never be me.”

“Please don’t hate me”, Grayson croaks as tears form in his eyes. He’s not ready to lose her, but he’s not ready to keep her with him by lying. She deserves better and he knows that.

“I don’t hate you, Grayson”, she lets out a shuddered breath, “I wish I did. It would be easier.”

“Easier?” Grayson’s eyebrows furrow when she takes her bag and puts it over her shoulder.

“I need some time and I need you not to look for me.” It was killing her to do this, to take a step back from their relationship. Ella needed some perspective, to find a way to breathe again and being close to Grayson always felt like she was trying to keep her head above the crashing waves.

“Ella”, Grayson reaches for her but she recoils from him, again. She had done it once when she thought it was his other self, but she knew this was him. She still didn’t want him.

“I have never asked anything from you, but I need this.” Ella covers her mouth to stop a sob from passing her lips as she turns from Grayson and heads for the door only to run into Ethan and Kristina.

Kristina is quick to wrap her arms around Ella, both of them leaving through the front door.

But Ethan wasn’t leaving. He turned to Grayson with a stone cold look in his eyes and headed for him with a formed fist prepared to leave a mark.

“What did you do?!” Ethan shouted, ready to lay Grayson out in a single punch.

Raising his hands in mock surrender, Grayson circles the countertops so he’d be on a different side from Ethan who wanted blood.

“Whoa! It’s me, E! It’s Grayson! I’m back!” Grayson insisted as he ran in circles with Ethan, “YOUR FIRST TIME WAS WHEN YOU WERE 17!” He shouts and Ethan stops, eyes wide. “You also drank a beer when you were 16, but you’d never admit it. You hated onions as a kid!”

“Grayson?”

--

“How cool was the other me?” Ethan smirks as Grayson rolls his eyes, unsure if he should be annoyed or angry at his brother for not doing a better job at protecting Ella from the other Grayson who had clearly left her broken with issues he didn’t know how to resolve.

“You were single as fuck and a nerd”, Grayson sighs, “Kristina wasn’t even an acquaintance and the car you drove was more like a trash can running on fumes.”

Staring blankly, Ethan swallows thickly, “I don’t like that universe.”

“I liked it”, Grayson covers his face with his hands, his voice filled with remorse. “I didn’t know my life here was imploding while I was living the life I genuinely prefer over this one.”

“You’re saying college football was better than this house?” Ethan raises an eyebrow, “The money we have, the world we’ve seen, people we’ve met?”

Nodding, Grayson drags his palms down his face, “It was so much better.”

“Well, good for you. Meanwhile Kristina and I were dealing with a manwhore baby Grayson with no impulse control who was a pathological liar and manipulator.” Flicking a crumb from the countertop onto Grayson, Ethan continues, “Ella cried herself to sleep every night and we didn’t know what the fuck is happening.”

“She said she almost slept with him”, Grayson gulps audibly, unsure if he’s feeling guilty over the position that put her in, angry she’s angry at him when she nearly did something worse or jealous over the fact she had been touched by what seems to be the demonic version of him.

“You literally admitted to kissing the other Ella, I hardly think you have any room to judge anything she did Grayson.” Ethan’s tone is cold, his words harsh but truthful. Grayson has no right to be angry or jealous, he was a willing participant while his Ella was tricked.

“I can’t explain it”, Grayson runs his fingers through his hair, moving it away from his forehead. Truth be told, he got used to the short hair from the other universe, he couldn’t wait to cut it again. “She was still Ella. They had their differences, but she was still Ella and the more time I spent with her, less I wanted to be away from her.”

“Look, this is uncharted territory. We can’t exactly define any rules in a situation that had no rules, so just give her a moment to deal with this on her own terms.” Ethan places his hand on Grayson’s shoulder, hoping to comfort his brother but even he was having issues looking at him normally after everything the other Grayson did.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Grayson frowns, lips parted as Ethan’s eyes widen.

“Like what?”

“Like I’m about to fuck something up”, Grayson’s frown deepens as Ethan presses his lips together, genuinely having flashbacks to the insanity of manwhore Grayson and the stress he caused.

“I’m just waiting for you to start complaining about the tattoos or fake gag at vegan food or order a bunch of fried chicken or maybe scream about a game you’re missing.” Ethan rambles on as Grayson cackles, shaking his head.

“Man, I’m a dick!”

“Oh, no, the dick part was you hitting on Ella and then winking at every cute girl in your way.” Ethan raises both eyebrows as he shrugs, “I did smack you every time I could tho’, Kris did too.”

“Good”, Grayson exhales through his nose, his lips pressed as his eyes fall to his hands. “I really didn’t want to hurt her. Either Ella”, Grayson’s voice is meek, defeated and the empty look in his eyes speaks volumes of the weight that’s been forced upon his heart.

“I know”, Ethan manages a smile, “You’ll get her back.”

“Think so?” Grayson raises his eyebrows, an inkling of hope lingering deep behind his brown hues.

Ethan’s smile widens in an instant, “Know so.”

--

In this broken world Ella is Grayson’s world, his healer, his light and love, good women are that way. He missed her, more and more as each day passed and while it seemed like the world was spinning madly on, Grayson’s life felt like it stopped the day she walked out the door.

Kristina came back hours later, but Ella didn’t. What made it worse is that whatever Ella shared with Kristina had turned her against Grayson as well. She didn’t want to speak to him, much less to convey his messages to Ella and Grayson was sure they were in contact.

This heartbreak was unexpected, as they always are - top of the world one minute and cut down the next. Grayson expected to be blissful if he ever found his way back, but he only found misery. He could only blame himself for having broken not one, but three hearts the night he made his way back home.

Oftentimes, Grayson wondered what happened with the other Grayson and Ella when they woke up together, sharing a single bed. Did he once again try to lie and manipulate Ella or was he decent enough to tell her the truth.

Grayson feared he didn’t. He could only hope he was better with her, for her. Ella deserved that much and he believed she was more compatible with manwhore Grayson anyway. If anyone can whip him back into shape it would be her.

And his Ella, his beautiful, kind Ella…He thought about her all the time. What is she up to? Where is she? Is she as lonely as he is?

He failed her, both of them. He failed himself too.

Hearing Ethan talk about the constant stress the other Grayson put on her, their fights, her refusal to walk away because she hoped it would get better. She didn’t give up on him then, even though he was his worst self, but she walked away when she heard he had made a conscious decision to kiss someone else. 

He betrayed her trust and despite feeling guilty, he couldn’t regret it. Meeting her in a different universe only convinced him she’s his soulmate more. He couldn’t imagine life without her, in any reality.

And as a month passed, Grayson found it impossible to sleep in the bed he once shared with Ella. He preferred to sleep on the couch, even if his back felt broken in the morning. The pain was comforting compared to the loneliness the bed evoked. It was better off this way. He hated himself in that bed, he blamed himself every night and morning.

Closing his eyes, Grayson felt a tear roll down his temple. If he’s entirely honest, he’s not sure if he’s just too fucked up to ever love anyone like he loves Ella. He swallows thickly as his heart clenches in pain as his senses trick him into believing she’s with him.

For a moment, he could have sworn he smelled her perfume, the one he was absolutely smitten with. She wore it when they first met, she wore it when they first kissed and she wore it when they first became one. That perfume signifies all their firsts, all the good memories and even the fights he remembers carry a nostalgic happiness to them. Fighting is better than the silence she left him in. If she’s fighting, she cares but when she stops, that’s when crippling fear takes place and Grayson’s been consumed by that fear for too long.

A weight falls on him, a warmth engulfing him. The scent is stronger now, almost like she’s still there with him and in a moment of weakness, Grayson’s lips pass a strangled sob from deep within twenty one grams of soul and the sanity he once possessed.

“Don’t cry”, a raspy voice fills the silence and Grayson’s heart nearly stops. He’s hallucinating now, clearly he’s lost his mind. “If you cry, I cry”, the voice returns as a whisper and Grayson’s not sure if it’s all a dream.

Opening his eyes, he gasps once he sees Ella’s head resting on his chest. She’s laid upon him like a safety blanket, a tad too short to truly cover him but effective in its intent.

“You’re here”, Grayson breathes out and her head moves up so her eyes meet his.

“I couldn’t trust you, I didn’t even trust myself that day. I didn’t dare let you near me scared that I’ll lose you the same, but I can’t let that fear dictate my life and I can’t bear the pain of staying away.”

Running his hand down her back, Grayson pulls her up ever so slightly so he could easily kiss her lips if she allowed him to. He wanted to be able to see every change in her eyes, every line of her face.

“I love you”, he stops her from speaking, finding her apologies unnecessary. She had enough of heartbreak for both of them when he disappeared.

“Don’t let me run again”, her voice breaks and Grayson notices the tears pricking at her eyes, “I know I asked you to let me go, but don’t. I got mad and insecure, but I love you. So don’t ever let me leave again.”

Brushing the tip of his nose against hers, Grayson’s lips curl at the corners, “Never.”

“Do you want to tell me how awesome the other me was?” She raises her eyebrows expectantly as Gray gives her a slight shake of his head.

“Well, you were crushing on some dick Dougie”, Grayson starts and her eyebrows furrow in confusion before her mouth opens wide.

“You mean Danny?!”

The excited tone instantly put a frown on Grayson’s face, making Ella chuckle.

“He was my first ever boyfriend back home!” She continues, further aggravating Grayson who could no longer hold back. He told himself he’d be more patient, but it’s a work in progress and he needed her to stop talking, so he did the most natural thing he could think of.

He kissed her.

Before she could withdraw, his arms were around her. He bent back her head across his arm and kissed her, softly at first, and then with a swift gradation of intensity that made her cling to him as the only solid thing in a dizzy swaying world. His insistent mouth was parting her shaking lips, sending wild tremors along her nerves, evoking from her sensations she had never known she was capable of feeling. And before a swimming giddiness spun her round and round, she knew that she was kissing him back.

It’s like opening up your soul to tasting, feeling and seeing every color of the rainbow in their own sensual way. For Ella it felt almost like catching Grayson’s smile in a bottle, its softness, its sweetness, the slight arrogance that provoked a reaction of her insatiable need for his touch. Kissing Grayson felt just like breathing oxygen she needs to keep her heart beating. His kisses warm the soul. His kisses are right. He is right; for her, with her, he’s the part of her she can’t imagine her future without.

“Never mention Doyle when you’re in my arms”, Grayson whispers against her lips, “Don’t mention Dairy, ever again”, Grayson adds while she giggles, amused by his absolute refusal to say the name right. “That would have been an awful tattoo”, he adds as she chuckles.

“If this is my punishment, I might be inclined to break that rule”, she winks, “Often”.

For a moment, Grayson stopped and stared. She didn’t seem shy or less brave than the other Ella at all. She felt brazen, unapologetically her and Grayson realized for once and all, his Ella, as complicated as she may be, is absolute perfection.

“Then it’s a good thing I’m a man of my words, isn’t it?” Grayson’s smirk is gone once his lips claim Ella’s again and she releases a satisfied moan in response. It was the kind of kiss that was so intoxicating your brain couldn’t handle thinking about anything else.

“I love you”, Grayson whispers against her lips, “I love you”, he repeats. “I love you, I love you, I love you”, he peppers her face and neck with feather light kisses, repeating his ‘I love you’ over and over like a prayer that was finally answered.

No matter what was in store for them, Grayson believed they would find their way back to each other. After all, they’re meant to be and for once, he didn’t doubt that saying. 

People who are meant to be together always find their way in the end.

[dadsbongos]

Hey, Arvin?

Movie/Game/Show: The Devil All The Time Dynamic: Arvin Russell/Reader Warnings: spoilers for the movie? idk, post-ending time Summary: Self-doubt is often clouded as banter, and Arvin knows that better than anybody - especially after growing close to a certain farm girl. ~~~

Arvin didn't know he would wind up on a farm in the outskirted heart of Terrace Park. He truly did mean to sign himself to war in Cincinnati but it just never happened. A lot of things just didn't seem to work out for Arvin, so he didn't bother himself over it too much - not after everything he'd already done. Besides, his work was good and honest and the people who'd taken him in were good and honest.

Father, uncle, sons, and daughter. They were tight-knit - they had to be with the distant lands they'd been handed as a living space. No neighbors for miles, the children only had each other and the animals to play with until he came along. When the uncle came into a bar within town at sundown and convinced Arvin that being a farmhand was a good life. Now, Arvin was up before the sun with calluses burning at his hands and two young boys clinging to his boots as he went around the farm. But he can't say he hated it.

The two boys, only one year apart from each other and over ten years from him, were like little brothers to Arvin at this point. They were balls of sunshine throughout the home and if they wanted to lend a sinner like him some light, who was he to refuse?

The uncle, the man who'd found him that night, was deceptively sweet. A hulking figure with a soft heart beneath all the muscle. Deceptively smart, too. He'd gone to a life of education before coming to his brother-in-law's side at the farm. He was like a mentor and guiding hand, a kind one, a patient one. One who wanted the best for his loved ones; his nephews and niece, his brother by marriage, and for Arvin himself.

The father was largely unknown to Arvin. Gone away on matters that nobody seemed to know. Personal business. According to the boys, he used to be an involved and loving man until their mother fell ill and eventually died. And Arvin felt sickened upon that news. He felt pity for the children, he knew what it was like to be young and not understand why your mother had to go and your father was bent on going too. He could only pray that their father didn't go down the path his own had.

The daughter, their ages matching, was his favorite to spend time with. She wouldn't do her chores when the others were around, preferring to sit and watch her family as they did theirs. She would trail Arvin around the farm and talk as he worked. Sometimes she asked about what the town was like, other times she would tease him about being so quiet. Playful. Had enough heart to apologize if she ever felt that she crossed a line. He liked that about her. He liked a lot of things about her.

"Hey, Arvin?"

It was a simple phrase, one he'd heard countless times, but it was different from her. A teasing tone and a smile to match - her legs kicking out as she sat atop a stack of hay and watched Arvin brush the horses' manes.

"What is it, darlin'?"

"You ever take Arkle out for a midnight ride?"

She knew he did. She had to have. Why else would she bother with such a question?

"Just askin' since I hadn't found him out here last night. Figured he'd gotten out until I saw you out in the field with him."

Arvin pulled away from May's dirty brown mane to give the girl a quirked brow, "Why bother askin' if you already knew the answer?"

"I like seein' ya get all flustered. Thought you'd figured that out by now."

"Well, what were you doin' out here so late then?" Arvin returned to the horses as he asked.

"Just thinkin' was all."

"That right?" he spared the girl a quick glance, "What was that head a' yours so troubled with?"

She ignored his question and that didn't surprise him. She didn't like exposing her thoughts to anyone. Kept her worries and doubts to herself like they were precious gems, and with as little as this family had, they might as well have been. When you don't have much to call your own, your thoughts and feelings start to feel like little treasures. Arvin knew that first-hand and he wasn't about to steal someone's treasures by digging where he didn't belong.

"You ain't gotta tell me," he only said it to ease the tension of having been brushed over, "Just know I'm here. You follow me around all day, might as well talk to me if you need to."

The last thing he needed - or wanted - was to lose another person in his life. Especially if just talking to them could've prevented it. He knows he should've been keeping a better eye on Lenora and he hopes beyond hope she forgives him for that. He prays that her and her baby are well-cared for in heaven. If anybody deserves to be in the eternal sweetspot of God's domain, it's his dear sister.

"Hey, Arvin?"

Today, he was shucking corn, seated on a barrel, when she called to him from behind. He turned his head and nodded to let her know he was listening.

"You were awful quiet at breakfast this morning. Barely spoke to the boys at all."

"Just thinkin', darlin'. You ain't gotta worry 'bout me."

"I'll always worry 'bout you, Arvin," he feels her hands settle on his shoulders, "You came into Terrace Park alone. You got brought in by Uncle. You're around my baby brothers all the time. My boys, Arvin. My boys. We might share an age but we ain't share a brain. All I can see into your head is all I know about mine. It ain't just for you, Arvin. My daddy hasn't been the same since Mama passed and someone's gotta take care of the family. Uncle loves you to death and I don't blame him, but I'm still worryin'."

He got it. He understood. He was that way with Lenora, and he just wishes he could've done better to protect her. He wishes he could've keep his father around. He wishes his mother wasn't robbed from him so soon. He wishes he had less blood on his hands.

"Can I ease your worries at all?" he returns to his task of shucking corn.

"Where'd you get in from? Why're you here?"

"Knockemstiff. Coal Creek. Nowhere too far," he inhaled sharply as he went to begin his tale of why he left, leaving out certain unsavory details, "I had a sister. She was sweet. Lonely. I left her alone with the wrong sonofabitch," he felt anger begin boiling inside his veins as he relived that day, "she killed herself over him so I… I left. Had nothin' else there for me than makin' sure she was okay and I couldn't even do that."

"Arvin," she leans forward and presses her hands over his, "you didn't hafta tell me if it was so personal. 'M sorry I pried. Sorry about your sister, too, that's awful."

"No," he drops the corn when he realizes how shaky his hands have gotten, "I needed to get that out," he feels his heart burn the longer that her hands rest on his, "I still miss her. I shoulda been there."

Earskell should've kept tighter watch like he'd said.

Those bullies should've known better than to pick on Lenora.

Teagardin should've followed the book he read by.

"Can I hold you, Arvin?" it's barely a whisper.

He doesn't nod. If he wasn't the one to take initiative and press himself back into her chest then she wouldn't have gotten an answer at all. Her arms come around Arvin's shoulders and circle his chest tighter as his eyes water.

"It ain't your fault. It's that bastard, you know that, don't you?" she pressed her lips to his forehead and rested a cheek to the top of his head, fingers running through his hair, "It ain't your fault. Never was. Never will be."

He appreciates the sentiment even though he knows, deep down inside himself, that he'll never truly believe it. It's kind of her to care so much about a boy like him. He hopes she never has to feel the pain he knows so intimately and he hopes he can protect her brothers like he never got to with Lenora. If not to protect the softness in his own heart for them, then for the sake of a farm girl who's holding him so close as he cries in a cornfield.

"Hey, Arvin?"

It's hours past late and he hasn't been able to catch a wink of sleep. The dining table he's seated himself at is swamped in darkness and he's surprised she can even make out his figure.

"Late night, darlin'?"

"Heard you gettin' up. What're you doin' out here? I know it ain't eatin'."

"How can you tell?"

"Eatin' so late with not even a candle is just sad, Arvin. We got more to worry about than sleepin' if that's what you're doin'."

He grins at her answer and shakes his head, "Just can't sleep. You go on to bed; need your beauty rest."

It's that idea that has her feet practically cemented to the ground and her brows furrowing in her self-consciousness. She feels her gut twist at the mention of her needing beauty sleep even though she knows that's not how he meant it.

"Hey Arvin…?"

He nods before remembering she can't see him, "What is it, darlin'?"

"Do…" she presses her lips into a thin line before finally spewing out the question, "d'you think I'm pretty?"

"Well, what kind a' question is that? Wouldn't your daddy kill me for somethin' like that."

"Daddy ain't around long enough."

"I think you're plenty pretty, darlin', but don't worry 'bout what me or what any other boy has to say on your looks, you hear me? Ain't no boy in control of your body, so don't let any of 'em take anythin' from you," Arvin's quiet, voice rasped, "Nobody livin' in that body 'sides you, so you just make sure you like yourself before worryin' on what anyone else has to say."

He thought she was breathtaking, intelligent, fun - he wouldn't ramble on it for as long as he wished only because he wanted her to realize what truly mattered. She was clearly nervous in awaiting his response, if the quivers in her voice were anything to go by, and he wanted to answer this right. He wanted her to know that at the end of the day, all that mattered was her opinion on herself - because she, and she alone, was inside that body until it died. She had to love herself before someone like him had any say. Arvin's learned how to handle such situations since losing the only people he's ever cared for.

"You really think that?"

"Absolutely, darlin'," he nodded before coming to a stand and beginning to walk out of the kitchen, "You should get to bed now."

"Arvin," she reached up and took his shoulders into her hand before pressing a kiss to his cheek once she could make it out from the darkness, "you're a real sweetheart, you know that?"

"I'm just me. Ain't the best man, ain't the worst. But I appreciate the compliment," he swallowed down his nerves and kissed her forehead gently, "Sleep well, now, darlin'."

"Hey, Arvin?" she murmurs as he begins his trek back to his room.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you… for everything. I know you haven't been here the longest, but I can't imagine us without you now."

"I can't imagine me without any a' you either, so don't worry about thankin' me, darlin'."

[cellophanejpeg]

skinny love - part ii

Pairing: Javier Peña x reader (gender neutral)

Summary: After a rough mission, you finally confront Javier about the night you’ve spent together.

Requested: #50 I’m scared but won’t admit it so you take my hand

warnings: angst, alcohol, vague descriptions of sex (+18)

word count: 2.2k

part i || masterlist

It’s funny to think about how many things you have no control over in your life. Time. Weather. Natural disasters. The past. The future. The wind. The tremble in your hands.

The cabin of the helicopter feels tight, even though the wind blows violently. The straps of the seat belt tighten your chest and you feel like crying. But you’ll die before you let yourself shed a tear in front of Javier Peña. You watch as he holds Christina Jurado’s hand, comforting her. You wish it was you.

Fifteen hours earlier, Javier had pulled you aside at the embassy and asked, in hushed whispers, for your help. You thought it was weird, given that you haven’t spoken in months, ever since that night he spent between your sheets. Months that you’ve been drowning in booze, either in your apartment or at bars, sulking in your own pain. It shouldn’t have hurt that much and you hate yourself for feeling that sad about a one night stand with Javier Peña. You haven’t been with anybody ever since.

Javi had asked your help on a rescue mission and, for a moment, you were confused. Why would he ask for your help, instead of other experienced agents? You wanted to say no. Everything about the mission screamed shady business and you weren’t to risk your life in an illegal mission. But then he said those magic words:

“You said you wanted more field experience.”

You realized then that he remembers. He remembers everything you told him that night. You thought he had forgotten about you already, that you were just a blurry drunken night, but– But he remembers you.

So you said yes. And your guts were right. The mission was shady and risky. The Castaños did most of the killing, but that didn’t mean you didn’t see some of it. You knew what you were getting into, but you weren’t prepared for it.

It was a bloodbath. You’ve never seen anything like it before and you hope to the gods you won’t have to again. That night was the night you decided to quit.

When the chopper lands, you see the sun peeking through the trees. By now, the trembles on your hands are gone, but the unshed tears behind your eyes are still there. Any time now, you’re going to break down.

You only come to your senses when you feel someone sitting beside you and taking your hand. Turning to look, you see Javier staring at you. You swallow hard as he tightens the grip in your hand, trying to hold back your tears.

“You did good,” He says and your heart warms, even though you don’t want it to. “You did great.”

Oh, shit. The tears blurry your vision as you pull yourself away from him, unbuckling the seat belt and ignoring the way he says your name. You hop out of the helicopter, leaving him behind again.

…

It’s only two days later that Javier shows up at your doorstep, a heartbreaking look on his face. Your heart drops when you see him, hands leaning on the doorframe, his gaze on the floor.

“Javier?” You call for him and when he looks up your breath hitches.

“Jurado is dead.” His voice is strangled, broken. Your eyes widen.

“Christina?”

“Franklin.”

He shakes his head. He’s tired. He’s done. And you can see it everywhere. You don’t have to ask if he wants to come in, you just give the space so he does. Removes his leather jacket, looks around the living room as you lock the door behind you. His eyes take in the place until they land on you. He stares at you in silence for a moment before letting out a long, heavy sigh.

“I’m tired.” He confesses.

“I know.” You whisper as he approaches you slowly. “I know, Javi.”

His hands twitch, eager to touch you, to feel you. To get the comfort he came for. But you look away and cross your arms, protecting yourself from him. He understands. He fucked up. He didn’t mean for it to be like that.

That night, all those months ago has been burning in his memory since it happened. No matter how hard he tried to take other lovers, he couldn’t get you off his head. All he saw was you. Always. And he doesn’t know why, but it is what it is. You’re the only one for him.

He just doesn’t know how to express this feeling.

Javier calls your name softly, but you speak before he continues.

“Do you want anything to drink?” You ask, walking over to the kitchen. “Tea, water?” You pause to look at him standing awkwardly in your living room. “Whiskey?”

He looks at you and gives you a half-smile. He doesn’t have to answer for you to know what he wants. Taking two tumblers from the cupboard, you open a bottle of whiskey and pour some of the amber liquid in them. You don’t hear when he enters the kitchen and watches you as you turn around, almost bumping into him. A small laugh leaves your lips as you hand him the tumbler, sipping from your own.

You know it’s risky, to have alcohol and bad feelings mixed together, a perfect recipe for disaster, but you don’t care at the moment. Javi looks like he needs a drink and you’re gonna need the alcohol in your system to tell him what you need to tell him.

His eyes are on you as he gulps the whiskey, the beverage going down his throat like water. You look so beautiful in the dim lights of the kitchen, the yellowish glow favoring your best features.

“So, what happened?” You ask and it takes a moment for him to realize you’re asking about Franklin. He clears his throat, looks away, and swallows.

“Stabbed to death in jail.” His voice is better now, not too rough as he grows more comfortable around you.

You grimace, not wanting to think about it. Franklin Jurado was the only one who could decipher the code in the ledger they recovered from Miguel Rodriguez’s house, and now that he’s dead…

“What now?” You mumble, your gaze on the floor as he shrugs, shaking his head.

“I don’t fucking know.” He admits. “It seems like we take one step forward and two steps back. Every fucking time.”

A heavy sigh leaves your lips and you take another sip from your glass. You both stay in silence for a moment. A silence that comes when two people understand each other, comfortable, quiet. Until Javi breaks it, by clearing his throat after downing his drink and setting the tumbler on your kitchen counter. He says your name softly and you look up at him.

You know what he wants. He leans in until your noses touch. Closing your eyes, you take a deep breath.

"Javi…" You whisper softly.

Javier's lips press gently against yours, a kiss so sweet and different from the first time he kissed you. He starts to press his body against yours, but you back away as soon as he starts feeling the kiss. His eyes have a puzzled look in them when you shake your head and slowly turn your back to his, letting the tears fall from your eyes.

He says your name again, a line between his brows.

"Why did you leave?" Your voice breaks.

"What–"

"That morning after." You turn to face him, face stained with tears. "You left and acted like I was nothing in the office. I understand it was a one night stand but–" Sobbing, you shake your head. "You can't deny something was there."

The frown on his forehead deepens. "You were the one who acted like nothing happened."

It's your turn to frown as you tilt your head, confused.

"I tried to talk to you." He explained, resting a hand on his hip. "In the break room. But you walked away."

You exhale, remembering that morning, months ago. Warmth blooms in your cheeks as you realize your mistake.

"I–"

"I'm not denying it, honey," He says with a soft voice as he approaches you. "There was something there. There still is."

Javier uses his calloused fingers to wipe the tears on your cheeks.

"But you left…" Your voice is small, but he silences your argument with a kiss.

"I know, baby," He mumbles into your mouth. "I'm sorry."

You finally kiss him back, tangling your fingers on his hair. Javier grabs your hips, pulling you closer to him. But you pull away too soon, with a heartbreaking look in your eyes.

"Javi, I'm leaving."

The look in his eyes breaks your heart. "What do you mean?"

"I quit this morning. They gave me a month."

Javier backs away from you, a confused look in his eyes.

"T-that mission–" Your voice trembles. "It was too much, I-I–"

"I thought you wanted this."

"I thought so too, but–" You sigh. “I don’t think it is.”

He stares in silence at you for a moment. “I don’t understand.”

“I don’t think I want to be part of something like that.” The confession catches even you by surprise as you voice your thoughts to someone for the first time. “I mean, we rescued Christina Jurado, but at what cost? They killed all those people and Franklin ended up getting killed anyway.”

Javier looks into your eyes with a serious expression. He looks almost offended as if you insulted his bloodline or something.

“Sometimes you gotta do bad things–”

“To catch bad people, I know.” You interrupt him, playing with the buttons of his shirt. “But I don’t think I’m capable of doing bad things.”

He takes a step back and you feel the tension growing between you two. It’s almost palpable, you can almost taste it.

“Then you’re not the agent I thought you were.”

It stings. It shouldn’t but it does. His opinion, or anyone’s, about you shouldn’t change how you view yourself, shouldn’t hurt that much. Deep down, you knew Colombia wasn’t for you. And maybe you’re not an agent as good as Javier is, but his words sting so hard in your chest that you feel hot tears of anger blurry your face.

“Maybe not.” You tell him, voice cracking. “But at least I’ll be able to sleep at night knowing I walked away from this.”

“And what?” There’s venom in his words. “Let millions of other people die of cocaine abuse and the consequences of it?” He exhales, wiping his mustache with his hand. “I’m willing to do anything to save these people’s lives! It’s not easy, but at least I’m doing something!”

You pause as you look at him, the tears already streaming down your face.

“And how is that going?”

The crease between Javier’s brows disappears as he takes a step towards you and crashes his lips against yours again. You don’t fight back, kissing him fervently as you let him yank your shirt over your head and pull you towards your bedroom. You practically rip his shirt, trying to get it open and push down his shoulders.

Unlike the first night together, this one isn’t a sequence of memories blurred by the alcohol. Sure, you’re both hot with anger and frustration and you both take it out on each other, but he’s still there when you wake up the next morning. An arm heavy around your waist, his soft breath on your neck.

“You were right about that mission.” He’s the first to talk when he realizes you’re awake. “It was too much.”

You roll over until you’re facing and shake your head, sleep still clinging to you. “Let’s not talk about this. Not right now.”

You make love with him that morning. And later that night. And every night for that entire month. And for a moment you are in paradise. You get to see a side of Javier Peña you’ve never thought you’d see. He can be soft and he can be rough and he can be real with you.

But you knew it wasn’t meant to last forever.

“Thank you,” you tell him as Javier helps to take your luggage out of the trunk of his car.

He sighs and nods, looking into your eyes.

“I’d tell you to call but…” You trail off, uncertain about the future. He brushes his knuckles on your cheek.

“Maybe when I’m done here, I can go and find you.”

Nodding, you smile at him. A sad smile. “Yeah.”

Javier takes a deep sigh and drops his hand on his side, unsure of what to do. He doesn’t know how to express his feelings, his hands twitch to hug you, kiss you, touch you in any form or way that can console him from your parting.

“I’m sorry about everything.” He ducks his head, his gaze on the ground.

You tilt your head to meet his eyes. “It’s okay.”

And then he kisses you. You taste coffee and cigarettes on his lips for the last time as you kiss him back, inhaling his scent and storing it in your memory forever.

“Goodbye, Javi.” Your voice trembles.

Javi nods, hands on his hips. The tears only stream down your face when you hear his strangled voice, soft and murmured as you walk away.

“Goodbye.”

__

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