#Where I get stuck in a loop of thinking I'm a terrible person

[sleeperagentclone]

I am too socially inept to deal with all the weird people my dad has collected over the years

[mitskijamie]

Dying to know where the tree nut allergy came from

ajdbsnjdkskxn so I started writing a Sunflowers time loop fic a while back about Jamie dying in increasingly ridiculous ways in Amsterdam and Roy having to try to figure out how to save him, and one of my Jamie death ideas was an allergic reaction

The scene is like Roy takes Jamie to get a Stroopwafel with chocolate and peanuts (because Jamie told him on a previous night that he got Stroopwafel with chocolate and peanuts when he visited with his mom and Roy is trying to prove that he's in a time loop and like Knows Things) but the person working is in a hurry to close and accidently gives them one with chocolate and walnuts

So they're sitting and chilling in the park in the middle of the night eating Stroopwafel and Jamie is like "these peanuts taste terrible. what's up with this" and Roy takes a bite and he's like "I think these are walnuts. What have you never had a walnut" and Jamie's like "no. no I've never had a fucking walnut I'm ALLERGIC to walnuts what the FUCK" and starts frantically going through his pockets for his epipen only to remember that he forgot to take it out of his bag when Roy gave his stuff to Will on the bus.

And he dies a fairly horrible death in Roy's arms while Roy is agonizing about how it's all his fault and then Roy immediately wakes up to Ted being like "now fellas I'm gonna say three words no coach ever says unless he dang well means it 🤠"

It's literally so random but I just wrote it in as a plot function of this one wip and it's stuck with me ever since lmao

[chronosh0t]

𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐒: canon-divergence ; Lee's pov ; sfw ; slightly angst. ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ 〔 NO BETA 〕

𝐒𝐘𝐍𝐎𝐏𝐒𝐈𝐒: what if Lee got stuck in a loop? it's based on this tweet I posted weeks ago.

〔 if you like what I write or my edits, consider tip me on ko-fi. you'd help me a lot by donating me. thank you lots 〕

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It has been so long, too long to count. Nonstop fighting for an end that is far from near, for a thin lay of hope that may or may not come out of the cruelty of reality. The light it's too dim, the air is too heavy, toxic and corrupted, no matter how deep every breath is, it never makes him feel better, less relaxed. Less lonely.

His hands are tired, his legs are having a hard time trying to keep up and his M.I.N.D is completely numb over time. Losing sense, and every single moment that peace seems to greet him, it flies past him as fast as one of his bullets. Breaking him in the silence of rejection, in the middle of the tower where escaping is not an option. For how long will this keep going? He does not know. And, to be fair, he doesn't want to know either. The crushing weight of having a clock ticking, counting what's left and what's yet to come, is not pleasant.

So he opted to ignore it. He made the decision, that day, to do the job only he was able to do. Because that was his sole purpose, at least for now, as much as he wished to change this twisted fate, it wouldn't be fair for those outside. If he was the only one capable, then so be it. Sacrifices must always be done. Be it time, or his own life. Just for the illusion that outside everyone is safe. He will stand over and over, shoot his gun, kill whoever or whatever gets in his way, for a slim chance.

There are short moments when everything is quiet, when not a single cry from despair could be heard, except for his erratic breathing, his feet dragging him to the stairs to finally take a seat after hours of battles and the loud noise of his weapon against the floor. He closes his eyes for a few seconds before taking a small device to call them. He just wants to have a few minutes to talk. Hoping. Wishing.

The call makes it through, and two faces greet him, smiling happily. The girl in red breaks the silence first.

ㅤㅤㅤ“It's been a while, Lee.” she stops, as if pondering if it's plausible to ask about his condition when it's obvious. “How are things on your side?”

ㅤㅤㅤ“Nothing new. The fights are endlessly annoying but, it's fine. I'm fine.” His voice cracks at the end, how terrible he has been at lying lately, or maybe he is too tired to pretend. Lee knows his teammates are aware of his state.

ㅤㅤㅤ“Lee…” the soft voice from Liv seemed to echo inside the tower, he nods and smile, “I know it's useless to say but, do please take care of yourself. I also know you're capable but.. We are worried about you. Especially Commandant.”She finished, her pink eyes showing great concern.

ㅤㅤㅤ“Commandant is a bit busy now. We would've called him but I know you have your ways.” Lucia explained, a chuckle escaped from her mouth.

Lee laughs at that. Indeed, he has his ways to contact his Commandant. “Thank you, I really mean it.” He finally spoke, the bitterness can be tasted, smelled and felt. Too heavy. “My time is running out. When I get another break, I will try to contact you guys again. Please take care.” He smiles again, and ends the call.

There's never a “goodbye”. Because he doesn't want to think about an end. As much as he is tired and his frame is at its limit on par with his M.I.N.D slowly losing complete focus from time to time, more often than not, Lee would reject the idea of a last call with his friends. That won't happen. He refuses to let that be part of his reality.

More often than not, he finds himself considering giving up and leaving, letting the wheel of destiny decide his punishment but there's something, someone, that keeps him from doing so. Or more like a “possible future”. Where there's no one, when the person he has come to cherish a little bit too much is no longer by his side, where his teammates are no longer walking with him but just a name in a marble stone. That was scary enough for him. The weight it's too much again.

His break is about to end. Taking a deep breath, he takes his device and taps a message and presses the send button, with the same address. For the same person. With the same words. He can feel an insufferable pain packing up inside his chest, filling the space between his ribs, crushing his artificial heart. He is shaking. His eyes are burning and tears are building up, but it's not the time.

It has never been. It probably never will.

He stands up, weapon in his hands. Time is running and it will never stop, no matter how many times he goes back, no matter how much he wishes and hopes, because time has never cared for that. So, for now, he just needs to keep going, and maybe one day, time will stop for him and he will be able to go back home. Go back to his friends. To his Commandant and be part of Gray Raven again.

…………

The digital screen beeps at the new message. He knows who sent it, and it's the reason he is also a bit reluctant to open it. He is always afraid it will be the last. His fingers trace the screen before lightly pressing over the email icon. A small text shows up, saying:

ㅤㅤㅤ“It's been a while. I know Liv and Lucia are there to take care of you, but I've got to know you enough to understand you're a magnet for troubles. So, don't do anything stupid.

ㅤㅤㅤ I don't have much time, there's nothing new. I am doing as fine as I can, you don't need to worry (I know you will, but don't let my situation distract you from your job, Commandant).

ㅤㅤㅤ ………… I miss you. I miss you a lot. It even hurts a bit sometimes. But I'm always hoping. Hoping that one day I will be by your side again, seeing you smile, holding your hand. I miss your warmth. The idea of going back to you, to Gray Raven keeps me going.

ㅤㅤㅤ I have to go. See you next time.”

And without knowing, despite the distance between them, tears were shed at the same time. Because time was the only thing connecting them.

[argisthebulwark]

Ao3 20 Questions

thank you @kagedbird for the tag!! <3<3 i will tag some friends @daedrabait @miraakswhore @somethingscarlet13 @queerbashir if u wanna participate <3

How many works do you currently have on ao3? Currently 25. holy shit, i thought it was more than that lol

What's your total ao3 word count? 98,336. Used to be like 200k before i cleaned out some old works i didn't care for anymore.

What fandoms do you write for? Skyrim and Star Trek TOS & AOS

What are your top five fics by kudos? Sorry Lass, Make Me Feel Mortal, Don't Shut Me Out, Fascinating, and Destroy Rebuild

Do you respond to comments? Sometimes! Honestly it depends on whether or not i'm online and see them. if i don't respond right away it feels rude to respond weeks after the fact, but for repeat commenters or usernames i recognize i try to!

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? Idk i used to like to emotionally beat up Jim a lot, so probably one of the short stories where i explore all his traumas

What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Probably Sorry, Lass. I originally wrote it in 2015 and i'm fairly certain it ends with a mushy marriage scene.

Do you get hate on fics? Surprisingly, no. I think i got a few rude comments back when i first started, but honestly everyone's been too kind to me.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind? Hell yeah brother that's what i do!! I love angsty, emotionally charged smut. my personal favorite to write is angry, hatefuck type of stuff. or when they're using it to avoid talking about feelings.

Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written? Not that i've ever posted lmao. I don't usually post non canon compliant fics for whatever fandom i'm working in.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? Kinda. a few years ago someone let me know that my work had been reposted to a fic site i don't use and one quick message got them to take it down. Also, i once posted a fic as a one off, forgot that i'd done that, and used the same scene much later in a larger story - and some nice commenter on the original let me know that someone had stolen my idea lmao

Have you ever had a fic translated? Nope, never had anyone request that and don't want to do so incorrectly.

Have you ever cowritten a fic? Kind of? an old friend and i used to write separate chapters of our self insert marvel fics and mush them together into one story lol. never posted it anywhere, it was just shared emails and google docs.

What's your all time favorite ship? God, that's hard. probably McKirk. as i've gotten older and unlearned all the internal shame about self inserts it's gotten easier to do a self insert story instead of an established pair.

What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? Every few weeks i pluck away at my regency au Miraak fic. i don't think i'll ever actually finish it because it's just so big in my head it's hard to get on paper, but i hope i do someday.

What are your writing strengths? I'm very comfortable writing sex scenes. I think that often when the author is uncomfortable about writing explicit sex the reader can really feel it in the story and i put in a lot of work to get over those mental hurdles. i've been told i'm good at characterization, which is awesome! i love getting in a character's head!

What are your writing weaknesses? Very often i find myself bogged down with the need to describe every little scene. it's a major reason i haven't posted a longfic in a while - i want to write these big stories but find myself getting lost in the little details. i also have a terrible habit of editing myself while i'm writing, which just gets me stuck in an unproductive loop.

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? Since i'm only fluent in English, this isn't something i am confident in. i've written in a few fictional languages for fics before but would probably reach out or suggest another author if a reader wanted something that heavily involved this.

First fandom you wrote for? Twilight babey!!! self insert oc to smooch Edward Cullen when i was a little middle schooler!!! i didn't know what fanfiction was but i knew i had a big ol crush on him.

Favorite fic you've written? not to be cringe on main, but most of my favorites are things that never got published. they're the little things still hanging out in my google docs that i go back to over and over. i rewrote all of star trek into darkness word for word just to make bones and jim kiss, i made a self insert just to smooch skurge after hyperfixating on thor ragnarok, and the weird time a few months ago where i wrote like 40k words of a cowboy romance. i read them often and wish that i'd written more on many of them but i do not read my published works.

thanks to anyone who read my rambling lmao. love you all sososo much, thank you for reading my silly little stories and caring about them. <3<3<3

[edotvie]

Related to this post by me

MAJOR BG3 SPOILERS

It was at an ungodly hour to most anyone that Gale heard three light knocks on his door. He wouldn't exactly refer to himself as an early bird, spending many long nights reading a book he simply couldn't put down. But even so, if someone were to unexpectedly arrive at his door after the Sun had rested for an hour already, he was likely to shout at them through the wood to return at a humane time.

Of course, this time the interruption was expected, and thus no such action was necessary. Though maybe it would become relevant again since another, more impatient knock followed suit when Gale didn't immediately arrive at the door.

"Coming, coming," he promised, satisfying the visitors for the moment. Finally he opened the door with a creak to properly greet them.

"Hi, Gale!"

"Well, hello, Darling. It seems you're getting sluggish in your old age. Perhaps it was only the tadpole that still kept a pep in your step?"

Gale folded his arms at the greeting he thought of as rather uncalled for. Behind his door stood no other than the odd Elven couple he'd traveled alongside only weeks ago; It wasn't that two Elves together were strange in any manner, but it was their respective personalities together that tended to throw Gale for a loop. Since he was in the habit of analyzing just about anything, these two were no exception and became an occasional headache.

"Need I remind you I'm doing you a rather grand favor, Astarion? I'm sure you can spare a little more patience where it counts," he scolded.

Before Astarion could give the indignant response clearly on the tip of his tongue, his partner rushed to speak instead:

"We're very grateful, Gale. Sorcerous Sundries is an amazing resource in our search."

As usual, Tav - as they'd gotten used to calling her - was the reasonable one. She was generally kind and much more patient than her lover, though by no means dull. She was playful and adventurous, having traveled the Sword Coast even before the group set on their involuntary journey. And though she'd become the de facto leader of their merry gang, she wasn't above making bad or even terrible decisions at times. "Naive," Astarion had apparently once called her, when her idealistic nature was still an obstacle to him. He wasn't entirely off the mark, either. Tav was perhaps a little more hopeful than the average person, relying on things working out in the end with little to no proof required.

Perhaps that's where the balance of her more cynical partner came in.

"Yes... Well, I hope you don't mind I'll save any 'thank yous' for when we're actually there, hm? Patience where it counts, and all that."

"Fine," answered Gale irritably, "Would you like a cup of tea? I was in the middle of mine and it'd be a waste to not finish such a sublime brew."

He turned to walk inside, the door left open for the couple to use. He heard two footsteps, then Astarion clearing his throat.

"Oh! Uhm, Gale?" voiced Tav, causing the wizard to finally stop and turn around. While Tav had moved past the doorway, Astarion stood stiffly about a step away from it, still.

"Ah. I didn't think a temporary room might count as a home, though of course I have gotten quite comfortable here. Then again I don't need much besides my books, scrolls and Tara to feel that way," he started, to the growing irritation of the Vampire stuck outside the apartment.

"I could do without the unnecessary narration, Gale. It's frustrating enough to be stuck standing here as it is."

"Right, of course. Come on in, Astarion," answered the wizard with a welcoming gesture of his hands. Astarion huffed quietly before doing just that, cautiously stepping past the doorway to join his lover inside.

"Tea time better not take all night. There are limited hours under the Moon, you know!" complained the Vampire while being walked to a table by the other two. Tea time, of course, didn't take forever. It was mainly catching up on what each of them had been up to since the Netherbrain had been destroyed.

Gale had been busy with retrieving the crown of Karsus, the very reason for his rented room in Baldur's Gate. He had narrowed down the search area based on the approximate crash site and the effect of sea currents, but there was little progress otherwise. It didn't help that the area was swarmed by opportunists and looters, especially on the first few days.

Astarion and Tav's answers to the question "what have you been up to lately" were suspiciously vague or roundabout. But the fleeting looks between them, as well as the fact they were still a fresh couple, told enough of a story. The only notable point was the fact that Tav had to adjust to nighttime living, since her love could quite literally not tolerate the Sun. She brushed off any particular difficulty on the issue, likely for the sake of her partner.

After tea had been enjoyed (and Astarion got visibly more impatient, the only one not partaking due to his dietary demands) the group set off into the night.

The streets were different in the dark. An acquired taste, thought Gale; There were less people around, but the ones who braved the night were gathered in inns and taverns, where music and the sounds of drunken patrons melded into a less than harmonious concert. He noticed he was a few steps ahead of his companions, and a glance behind showed him the two Elves holding hands. There was an uneasy air around Astarion at first, but Tav leaned in and whispered something that made him let out a sudden laugh. Gale turned away when they shared another affectionate look amongst themselves. He wasn't one to intrude on intimate moments, no matter how small.

"Ah, here we are: The Gem of the Lower City herself, home to many a wonder and priceless document!"

"We don't need the introduction every time," chuckled Tav. Yes, perhaps Gale had gotten a little over-excited, but who could blame him when a marvel of magic and literature like Sorcerous Sundries was right in front of him?! Even at night the building stood proudly at the center of the district, dignified and impressive in its architecture. But alas, they weren't here to simply observe the outside.

"And here is where your gratitude should be placed. You have no idea what kind of effort I went through to make this happen. I had to cash in several favors and make another that I'd rather not recount while sober, but! We have a private audience with the entire collection (excluding the rare tomes in their guarded vault), for one night only."

Gale knocked on the door in an enthusiastic rhythm, waiting several seconds in expectant silence until the lock clicking open could be heard. A clerk peered through the doorway, though upon spotting Gale's pleased face, he sighed and moved to open the door the rest of the way.

"Come on in."

They did as told, wandering into the silent halls of the book store. Tall shelves of leatherbound tomes lined the walls, and looking up, you could see the spiral staircase leading up and into the more private areas. They'd avoided the place ever since their arcane thievery for the Annals of Karsus, but thankfully despite triggering a trap in the vault, they'd never been caught.

"So, where do we start...?" asked Astarion, his voice echoing into the darkness while he eyed the books among books, among books, hesitantly. Gale cleared his throat.

"I believe I was owed something... What was it again? Ah!" he answered, thoughtfully tapping his cheek until the faux epiphany hit, "A thank you, was it? That's right, it was! A big, fat "Thank you for your irreplaceable aid, Mr. Dekarios. I could not do this without you.""

Astarion rolled his eyes and turned his attention to his partner. Unfortunately, she was no help, and only gestured for the Vampire to go ahead.

"Ugh," he sounded in offense, arms folded, "Thank you, Gale. You're doing me... Us, a favor."

Though Gale felt the need to gloat for his achievement of actually wrangling some gratitude out of Astarion, he settled for a smile with just a hint of smugness to it. He was also genuinely pleased to get a thank you, and decided not to push his luck.

"Now, I suggest we start by researching famed Vampires and known Vampire colonies. You find everything you can on the former, I'll take care of the latter. We'll meet back here and try to narrow down our search, since we have limited time available," instructed Gale, already walking toward a specific section, "Oh, and if anyone asks? You're extremely busy tome collectors with no room in your schedules during daytime, and a low profile to keep!"

Gale barely caught a glimpse of the look the couple threw at one another, but it was just enough to discern bemusement among other emotions. But now wasn't the time for that! It was, after all, time for a famed and favored Dekarios special: A Book Hunt!

[royalberryriku]

Terrible coping mechanisms taught through each generation is horrible, but I just need to say I'm specifically so tired of fear that's taught through each generation. It really sucks.

And for us (me and my brothers), it means either 1) conforming to that fear and becoming anxious to everything ourselves to the point we start to be afraid of even living at all, or 2) break out of that entire cycle of generational trauma. The hardest part is that, while I'm trying so hard to do the latter, when we all live together because there's a whole ass financial crisis and we're kinda stuck relying on each other to survive, it's really hard to break out of the repetitive push by everyone around you to Shut Up and Back Down. Because the worst part about when you go with the former (or for people like my mother) is that any attempt to not be afraid is a disruption to that illusion of peace, it means confrontation and that's a *threat*. So it automatically means doubling down to said "threat" until they back down again. It's creates this loop of:

Like, okay. My grandparents were taught to never express themselves and shame one another, and to especially shame themselves. My mother grew up thinking that people could never be themselves or they'd get hurt. So then she raised me and my brother's to always ALWAYS hide everything, to faun, to constantly avoid shit because, to her, that was actually "wrong", "dangerous" and "bad". If I am trans in public?? That's worse than knowing and hiding it in her eyes because she genuinely believes that being outwardly different means suffering more than it'd be worth. And the thing is, that applies the same with everything else too. If you raise the alarm about an adult who's abusing you, you might risk getting hurt, if you argue against someone with a different opinion then that's far worse than just shutting up to her. And it's so so sad because I KNOW where it comes from with how my grandparents are. It's all from her own fear and insecurities. And shit... it just really sucks for us both. I feel so bad for her with how much fear she's holding onto to the point where she's *terrified* of even opening up to people. She assumed people will hurt you because that's been her experience. She can't be honest with herself to confront anything because that's "dangerous" to the point she needs to absolutely reject the idea of ever confronting anything.

Two people are afraid -> one breaks out of the fear mentality -> this is seen as a personal attack by person A and causes more fear for them -> they lash out -> person B becomes afraid at the lashing out -> both are afraid again -> one breaks out of fear.

Rinse and repeat.

Fear is so tricky because it's there to try and protect us, but when it's all you know and what has become "comfortable" in the sense it's what makes you feel this illusion of safety and peace by staying away from any and all confrontation, then it becomes harmful. And it *spreads*. When someone lashes out because of their fear, it makes people around them afraid and it just keeps going over and over. It's such a huge issue in my family and I really do rush us the best success in us all seeing it and giving each other enough space to heal from these generations filled with fear.

But...also on a more personal level, I'm also just very tired and frustrated. It's hard being told over and over that my existence has to be hidden, that I can't breathe, that I need to be quiet and let myself be used and hurt over and over to "survive". To me, that's not survival but just conditioning. I'd rather be the one that's hurts me than someone else, I'd rather be stupid and reckless than careful and stifled. But more than anything, I'd rather that someone else chooses to hate me, rather than I end up becoming someone who hates myself for what other people think, all to just please them.

[spackwadge]

This major rant was in my drafts, I'd decided not to post it untill I'd attempted the boss with four rocket weapons; something which proved effective. But reading it again, I'm not sure I disagree even now after starting a new game and completing through to NG++ again. After an update that added more parts I wanted to see how the experience changed, but I also avoided my preferences too. In spite of this, most of what I understand remains unchanged, I tend to be very bad at expressing myself so I'm sure someone will find issue with my philosophy towards gameplay, but I still believe if you create a self curating experience like rpg's and some preferences, not a lack of skill or understanding, make the game significantly harder, then you've done a bad job. However, I will need to revisit this with the same build philosophy as my first attempt to assess the clarity of my claims:

I've yet to enjoy a boss in Fires of Rubicon first time round and it's dawning on me just how much I (personally) dislike the actual gameplay loop. I like the AC to AC combat, the designs, the weapons, the online scene looks good but I can't keep upsetting myself like this, and it's almost entirely because I don't want to go light or treads, I don't want to be QBing 11 times in a row just to avoid the chip damage that's lethal with small builds and the drifting is very uncomfortable for me, but it just doesn't seem like any of the bosses are made with that in mind, with a comparison in game design and not gameplay, DarkSouls2 had the same issue where lighter builds and weapons were preferenced, DS3 and DS1 both have dex scaling that beats strength with half the investment and it looks like a continued trend of bias.

This mission at the coral convergence has me at my wits end, it's hard enough to fight the two AC's when all the AI also jump you instead of carrying on, but building around those two and the boss has proved difficult for me and utilising the assembly after a death and starting back at the check point... it feels like I'm cheating myself. Plus, there's the item caches that I can't claim till I beat the boss so I'm driven into this madness over and over. Then, there's the boss itself;

I don't know what more I can do against this ibis-series C weapon because I keep getting chipped down by the tiny lasers so IF I get to second phase I've got no health or no repairs, plus it's so small I am genuinely missing shots when it's stuck still cause they sail over it's head, right between the wings instead of centre mass. So I keep running out of health, and getting staggered right before a blade combo, and getting hit with 1 stray big shot that shifts me into little shots which loops me into a death combo. I'm just praying for good rng and as far as I'm concerned, with a little academic game dev knowledge after 4 years, and over two decades of experience that I don't think this is well balanced, especially when compared to what from software has achieved before.

There's unfair challenges which push you to understand the mechanics and there's just adding more bullets, more damage and more health to make things harder. The latter is unimagined, simple to implement and feels terrible to go up against.

P.S.: the amount of times Walter has said "you've got this" right before I fail has made me hate him more than any lie he might be telling me would.

I am open to constructive conversation.

[fumblingmusings]

does evelyn seeing alfred as an equal but also her favourite cause any resentment among the others ? i mean matts basically stuck in alfreds shadow and seen as evelyns guard dog of sorts, jack was prevented from ever pulling an alfred, put on the back burner and seen as never living up to alfred and maia at least gets to be the only daughter but i feel their mother-daughter relationship would be complex to say the least. even as they breakaway from evelyn her hierarchy remains.

It's funny because that understanding of Mattie as England's guard dog is kind of canon. Well. Sort of. It's not a massive stretch, is what I mean

Hetalia World Stars Chapter 202

But that is to say, I'm hoping to touch on this in the next couple of chapters by using the absolute mess that was the end of the Anglo-Japanese Alliance, WWI and American 'betrayal' by retreating back into Isolationism once the Naval Treaty of Washington was signed. How the power England exerts ends up looping back around - her kids can be just as overprotective and insular and selfish as she can be.

And it's her fault. She made them like that. She set up a system where she makes Matthew dutiful and cautious and Jack really jealous and an over-compensator. Zee gets away with slipping under the radar. Youngest and the only girl - her relationship with her brothers is nothing like her mum's is with her brothers, but she carries her own issues. Quietly. Which is it's own problem. Like her mum, she prescribes to the

School of thinking, and it takes quite a lot to unpack that.

Matthew is Eva's favourite as a person (he's quiet and likes reading and enjoys being in the middle of nowhere like his mum and she projects a lot onto her own feelings of abandonment when she was little and from Alfred dropped her on to him) but as a nation yeah Alfred wins. Every time.

Eldest children often have a hold on their parents right? Like You never love anything in the world the way you love your first child. It doesn't matter what they do. And what he did, it shocked me. Do you think I'm easily shocked? Is it you know? This entire monologue by Lena Headey is her... At least for me.

Not that Alfred is Joffrey... I mean he can be terrible but he's not... that. It's more England's understanding of her relationship with her eldest. That longing and nostalgia and genuine love that is so ruined by circumstances and yet no-one can take away those memories of her baby from her. Not even Alfred as much as he wishes to sometimes.

But um. Yes. The next couple of chapters will be riddled with resentment in every direction. They logically know it's no-one's sole fault that things have ended the mess that it has, but they're all trying to wrestle control as and when and where they can. It's inevitable that it clashes. What Matthew wants is not what Canada needs which is direct conflict with what Australia needs which is not at all what Jack wants and down and down it goes.

[nicolespeaks]

everything is hard and complicated. I want to believe him, I do believe him, but then I look at the facts and I'm so confused. he loves me, of course he does, but then why does he like her, why couldn't he just focus on me. there must be something more for him there. then okay, shes more a friend then anything. he feels guilty, understandable. she's a likable person, I want to be like her. she's not a bad person, he's the one who feels guilty and he still loves me. but I just can't accept that fact, or maybe I can, or it's just too, dumb for me to fathom I have to make it more complicated. I have to try to pin me or him or him against each other just to make sense of it. and is this where I make my mistakes? where I give in to my terrible behaviors? I would choose to hate him me or her and carry on with that till I exhausted myself and tried a different path. I invertedly made the situation worse cause I couldn't understand it. then it feels like I overreacted, like I blew everything out of proportion. but then I remember why I felt, I remember how I feel now, and I think, did I really overreact? am I undereating? isn't this too fucked up to believe? could anyone take this on? and I get to the realness of it. before it would tear me open, now it's just, still. and I feel sad for myself, sad that I'm faced with this dilemma. I fight myself all the time. I feel so conflicted. how can I accept this? how is it worth it? how can I forgive him and move on when this fucked up shit happened? and I just make it worse, so much worse, cause I can't fathom it. because there's no way they're not terrible to do all of that. they are real people, just like me. accepted them wholly so there's no way this could happen cause they're good right? but if their not, then I can raise hell. of course I would get crazy. do bad people do this? but when I treat them as such, I feel guilty, I feel stupid, I feel out of the loop cause they're so okay with everything. nothing phases them, and I'm stuck in the moment I got hurt. and I just keep making it worse, cause they're good, so there must have been something wrong with me, they must have not liked me enough. so let me help them, let me become bad so that I can be accepted or rejected. let me make myself the bad person so I can keep loving them. but they don't think like that, they didn't think about me, care about me. they forgot all about it, moved on, wondered why I was still stuck on it. and it just makes it even more real, me even more pitiful

it's kept me paranoid, kept me from trusting people myself. kept me forever looking for what's wrong with me. and if there isn't anything wrong with me, but it's just a sad situation for me. why did I have to be hurt so badly. when I have my all I was hurt so fucking bad. it's so fucking painful and I don't want to accept it.

I have so many defense mechanisms to keep me from getting hurt. I have so many behaviors that hurt other people, to constantly keep me separated to lessen the chance of getting hurt. but I hate doing it, I feel so bad and I get in this cycle of hating them and hating myself and just hurting everyone over and over.

my mind is weak against itself. it's so hard to keep things stable, to keep things connected and tied together. I pick at the knots, watch it unravel and cry when everything gets destroyed. I keep picking at the scan and not letting it heal and now I have a bigger scar and a still unhealed wound. it's just so hard

[ditchwizardry]

Introducing the Ditch Wizard's Personal Orb Log

Greetings, fellow orb-ponderers, doomscrollers, and denizens of all the weird and wonderful otherworlds and pocket dimensions.

This orb log, or blog, is a space for me to, as my Earth therapist calls it, 'Share my truth,' and 'practice my prose writing,' and let go of many lifetimes of traumatic experiences battling against chaos, order, and everything in between (AKA: the juicy bits of existence's sandwich).

Since, as anyone familiar with me already knows, I'm not exactly 'stuck in linear time,' please permit me to tell my story in the order I've currently, in very literal terms, arranged it. Do not, under any circumstances, take me to be a reliable narrator, and any resemblance to real or imaginary persons living or dead shall result in the bestowing of a terrible curse upon anyone to use their imagination so maliciously against me, a confused old man. Shameful, really.

With that proviso, I think you must, under threat of terrible arcane destruction, indulge me to begin these accounts nearly at the most recent loop of the tangle of my nonlinear lives thus far, in the few decades where I intersected with a strange little island inhabited by some particularly welcoming humans on Earth.

Come back soon, friends, as I imminently begin to transpose my memories to the orb. If this gets popular, I may be tempted to post certain passages from the Ditch Wizard's Bathroom Companion, but, please, folks, you can still buy that one, it's in print at your local arcanist shop.

[anachronistic-falsehood]

9+43+49 for the fic ask game!!! >:3

9. What are your favorite fanfics?

of my own?? DREAMSTUCK. FOR SURE. ABSOLUTELY. def my current fav and probably will be my fav for a while, it's a love letter to both source materials and i love it so much. dreamstuck is my favourite child <3 also my shitty sanders sides crime au tbh, it's so ooc and quite terribly written but it holds such a special place in my heart for being my first fic that really got popular and it got soooo much good feedback and gained me a lot of consistent readers. it's insane. ohhhhh When The Chips Are Down you are so terrible but i love you <3

43. Guilty pleasure tropes and scenarios?

KICKS DOWN YOUR DOOR. AND THERE WAS ONLY ONE BED. THE ONE BED TROPE. IT'S SO STUPID BUT I AM WEAK FOR IT EVERY TIME. WHETHER IT LEADS TO LIKE. SEX OR CUDDLING OR CRYING THOG DON'T CAARE I LOVE IT IN ALMOST ANY FORM. GIMME THE ONE BED TROPE ALWAYS AND FOREVER I WILL EAT IT UP EVERY TIME. IT'S SO DUMB AND LAME BUT I LOVE IT

49. Where do you draw inspiration from?

hmmmm good question!!! kind of just. anywhere and everywhere!!! sometimes i'll be thinkin about some old media i like, and i'll imagine some of my current fav characters in that media, and i'll be like BOOM. DREAMSTUCK. Or i'll see a tumblr post or a tweet that says something like "hey what if ___?" and i'll get thinking about it and suddenly i'm like ohhh man. i wanna write that now. like i saw one post that said "hey what if the sages could view link through their avatars" and now i'm 15k words into a totk fic. it's a problem <3 And sometimes I'll even get inspiration from dreams I've had!! the book i'm writing is actually based off a dream where i was stuck in a time loop and trying to save someone i cared about, and they finally lived past the time they usually died at in the loop and i cried. then i woke up and was like ohhhh man. yeah. thats gotta become a book STAT. it can come from anywhere for me, which is an issue because i am only one person and i do not have time to write all of the things i want to write, but!!! i can usually write most of it!! and sharing those ideas with the world is what matters to me :3

[mjdpwrites]

"Did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen?"

Sometimes I feel like I'm the girl from right where you left me ...

"..everybody moved on, but I stayed there." It's like I am in someone else's movie where I'm just a mere passerby, not even a supporting character. Just an extra or an accessory to a setting in the main character's story that's dumped and left after the scene. And then I go to other auditions, and be picked as a passerby again, only to be left again after. The main character lives their life fruitfully again, and I'm left here again, doing the same thing over and over again. It's kind of like living in a loop where you're always left somewhere where time is frozen, while everyone's world is moving and growing constantly.

I feel stuck in a stagnant situation where I feel frozen. Seeing every one of my friends having the time of their lives, improving each day, chasing their dreams, creating new memories, overcoming new challenges, falling in love, and continuously growing as a person, makes me question my life's worth and purpose. Am I really here just to witness all that while watching mine crumble each day? Do I exist to merely be the friend that is supportive and energetic for all their milestones? They are so unrecognizable anymore because of how successful they are in building their own lives, while I'm still here, the same person that they know, with no growth and changes. I feel so left behind. I'm afraid I'm missing out a lot in life because of my terrible life choices that led me here, where everyone's rapidly moving and doing their own thing, while I'm left here in the middle of it all like a statue, stuck watching them hustle around and enjoying their journey with their newfound life buddies.

It's quite sad and unfortunate how one single thing can change the trajectory of your life. One day all is fine and falling into place, the next day, you feel like everything's falling apart because of how you decided on something that you have no idea would impact the rest of your life. One day you're chasing your dreams with your friends, the next day you're all alone.. miserably alone.

I'm so f u c k i n g proud of my friends, believe me or not, I am. I am so inspired and amazed by how they handled their life situations and ended up being the people they are today. But sometimes I wish I can live their lives and escape mine. I am just so tired of seeing myself fail, disappoint everyone, and remain stagnant in life, because what hurts the most is I once had it all, and I ruined everything in a blink of an eye.

I know I should not compare the highlight of other people's lives to the reality of mine because I am not aware of their behind the scenes, but I can't help it sometimes. All my mind asks is "When will it be my turn?" I wish I can move forward and build my own life soon. I know I can. I just need to leave the restaurant, and remove the dust collected on my pinned-up hair. I just need to get up and stop sitting in the corner I haunt, and follow their advice to find some perspective somewhere.

I'm such a sad sight, really. If you ever feel like you're losing in life, you can just think of me, and know that I am in the downfall loop since forever, and that you're not alone in this one. If you ever feel lost, you can find me where you left me, because I never moved on with my life. I am still here, and it sucks.

[ramayantika]

few of my favourites -

Mad as a Hatter Au (wip) A Harry Potter fan gets reincarnated waaaaaay behind the plot, but she doesn't quite care. Emma is more scandalized by the lack of good technology in the wizarding world and makes it her personal mission to get back what she once had in terms of technological advancement. On her journey to revolutionize wizarding Britain, she accidently befriends Tom Riddle and destroys the future never to be for better or for worse.

Too Short to be a Siren (I'm still wary) (wip) I’m going to leave this place, Tony. And I want you to come with me.” A young, newly orphaned Tony meets seventeen-year-old Harry. They decide to run away together, if for a little while. Shenanigans ensue. OR: Don't leave Harry and Tony in a room together, they will make terrible decisions. FEM!HARRY

A Good Teacher (complete) The other children in class stared at the teacher. Then they stared at Harry, then back to the teacher, then at Harry, in a never-ending loop. Harry found he couldn’t blame them. Everything from the bespectacled emerald eyes to the messy black hair—the resemblance between them was uncanny!

Life As She Knows It (complete) (severus x fem!harry + timetravel) Hollis Potter walked into what she thinks is the final battle of the war that's been raging for the last six years, only to find, when it's over and she's officially lost everything, that she's not where she's supposed to be. Or, rather, she's not when she's supposed to be. She wouldn't have made it as far as she did without being stubborn, however, so she pushed past the surprise and the grief and decides to change it, no matter the cost.

Not retribution, just returning favor! (complete) Lord Voldemort never panicked. But on the night, he found out that Harry Potter knows about Horcruxes, he freaked out. In his desperation to not die in any case whatsoever, he made a fail safe. How will Harry Potter, along with Hermione and Ron, handle being stuck in Harry's parents era? Well, Harry is pissed off and ready to smack freaking Voldemort in his face, but Hermione reins her. Harry has a chance at either changing future for better or mucking up past so bad, that future is more undecided than before.

Regulus Black and the Way Things Changed: A Not!Fic (comp.) What if Regulus Black, and not Severus Snape, ended up being the turncoat Potions Master of Hogwarts?

I love you soooo freaking much for this

[iaintyourbro]

The Unknown Journey Continues

Part 1

I know it's been a while... but I've been going down a rabbit hole with @starlight-samurai regarding time loops, Jenova, Minerva, and more fun. So I figured I'd try to put it into one post to get the insanity out of my head. Everything in here is based on things we've found by either going through more obscure Ultimanias, learning more about Dirge of Cerberus and trying to decipher what the hell Jenova is by putting together various sources - including other Square Enix games - and how they handled freakishly similar scenarios.

Did you know there is a companion mobile game for it that was out on the good old flip phones? Did you know there was an online mode in Dirge of Cerberus only available in Japan, but had story elements that were not in the main game?

The sad part is, there's still so much to go through...

(I've also had various discussions with @ourfinalheaven, Manu, who doesn't have Tumblr, so here is her Twitter. and Somebody's Nightmare (here is her Twitter). So I wanted to tag them here, as it's much more fun to discuss these ideas as a group, since it'll only help you build on and strengthen your own ideas.)

Please be aware, there will be Spoilers for FFVII - Almost all Compilation titles, Xenogears, and NieR Automata throughout this.

So let's go on a journey where we explore what actually already exists in the compilation - including the idea of the whispers and timeloops - how Minerva may play into everything, and what exactly Jenova is capable of doing.

I asked Sesi if he'd ever played any of the NieR games, because he'd said something that made me wonder if they were going to take a similar approach. As a very, very quick high level summary: NieR Automata deals with a time loop type of idea. The androids will be rebooted and repeat the same things over and over again. This is broken when 2B is killed by A2 because she becomes infected with a virus. That being said, you have the option after Ending E to either erase all of your data and end the cycle OR you can try again. The Pods have a discussion, and one asks, "But won't they just do the same thing again?" and the other replies with "Maybe. But it could also be different this time."

Here's Sesi's message back to me when I asked him about this (cleaned up a bit since we were having a casual conversation over Discord):

Maybe I could just guess based comparatively on the Dirge storyline, because that was sort of SE's first flirtation with “robots and androids” since they’re all programmed and locked behind like task managers and shit that can shut them down. The story of the online mode for DoC that came out in Japan, we never got to see it, you’re basically an Android OC and you have to get to “the end of the level” and then essentially die, and a new one takes its place. This keeps happening until Weiss is essentially freed from being able to be task managed by the guys who are suppose to be able to control them and I know from tons of years with Square games that they’re verrrrry bad at differentiating their narratives they tend to just keep “ripping themselves off” so is it anything close to that?

Cuz if so I think I kinda know what you’re saying and yeah, I agree, I think with CC bringing in its poetic symbolism and LOVELESS, and DoC bringing back the cyclic nature of the lore, whispers, premonitions and future visions, proto-Materia and the perversion of this next cycle since the planet can no longer cleanse and protect itself and its will is weakening lesser and lesser to the point where it’s fate is “in a true sense of jeopardy This time essentially it’s all tied in together and sort of played as though it's a fated track; a cycle of events and something has hitched it, thus the whispers manifesting and Sephiroth's higher implied control over his destiny. Of course, even all that is just their new red herring game, but it’s definitely a part of the lore they want to play with, in order to go back and reMAKE the OG with the comp inserted from inception. Also gut punch a lot.

Time Loops

I was somewhat surprised to find out that this concept is NOT new to FFVII's universe. It's discussed in Dirge of Cerberus... probably one of the least played and least understood of the compilation. (Trying to sell a third person shooter with terrible controls to a market of mostly people used to turn-based combat wasn't going to go well.)

On top of it, we didn't even get all of it, since online mode was never released outside of Japan, and the Dirge of Cerberus Lost Episode was on Amp'd Mobile and Verizon flip phones back in 2006. Were you around for the cell phones in 2006? I had the ones on the list, and how somebody could play a game on those blows my mind.

Square has a tendency to reuse themes from their other titles. Probably one of the most blatant is the similarities between Xenogears and Final Fantasy VII. They were both being developed at the same time and a lot of ideas that didn't make it into FFVII ended up in Xenogears.

NieR

So how does this work? In NieR (both Replicant and Automata), you play the same path multiple times. Each time, it's slightly different depending on what side quests you did your first and second playthrough, but there's also other subtle differences throughout the story. In Automata, you get to play as 2B your first playthrough and 9S for your second. They follow the same path, but you get it from his perspective the second time and it reveals a bit more of what is going on. However, even with some slight differences, the main plot points stay the same and the ending result it also the same.

Then on your third playthrough, you wake up in the Bunker, and you're getting ready to go on a new mission. This time, though, 2B is killed and shit hits the fan. Things get crazy, you play as a new character: A2. In the end, pretty much everyone "dies", but you can choose to "reboot" and try again. You also can say you are done and let them all rest and delete your save data (the game gives you the option for both Automata and Replicant, and with Replicant, it actually leads to a new ending).

The striking thing for me is... There are certain events that will always happen, no matter what.

Fixed Points in Time

It's been years since I've watched Doctor Who, but there was something that stuck with me, and that was the fixed points in time. You can read about all of them here, but here's the basics:

Now, of course Doctor Who goes into this with much more detail and it's a recurring theme. However, as you read through that page, you'll probably find many aspects that have been used in various JRPGs that you've played. And Doctor Who most likely pulled some of the idea from classic Science Fiction novels. Each story puts its own spin on it.

How does this relate to FFVII Remake? Well, when they say that the major plot points will stay the same, it reminds me of this. No matter what, Cloud must fall into the Sector 5 Church, the Sector 7 Plate must be dropped, Aerith and Zack both must die, and Meteor has to be summoned, to name a few. So, with a time loop, those things would still have to take place in order to prevent a complete collapse of reality (at least in how Doctor Who uses it).

Therefore, the Whispers are ensuring that the Will of the Planet is followed.

One of the major themes in FFVII is that of loss. People die and they do not come back. Yes, other FF games do allow this to happen (FFX, FFXIII, FFXV), but VII is not those games. It was written with that idea in mind, that once a person dies, they, just like in real life, are dead and cannot be brought back.

I've previously written that I think they'll make us believe we are able to change fate, but we will eventually be slammed with the reality that we can't. That is because the planet has determined that certain events are fixed points.

Xenogears

Xenogears takes a bit of a different approach to the loop idea. Instead of repeating the same time period over and over, it has the characters reincarnated, and the same outcome happens each time: Elly dies. However, each time it's different. After all, they're in various time periods, in some cases thousands of years apart.

In all of the lives of Fei (who will have a different name in each time period) and Elly (who is always Elly/Elhaym), Elly will end up dying trying to protect Fei and the others. In one life, she is a religious figure at a totally not Catholic church, in another she's the wife of a scientist who was working to create children from nanomachines due to mass infertility issues. But she is ALWAYS with Fei, even if his name changes.

In her Mother Elhaym time, this is when Lacan (Fei) finally snaps. Though he's not fully aware of his past lives, he becomes aware, the anger consumes him, and he becomes Grahf. Fei is then reborn into the time period you play the game in.

There's a lot to unpack with this, so I won't go into it. Grahf wants to destroy God (Deus) because he thinks if he does, then it'll stop the suffering (his suffering).

If you do want to read more about Grahf, you can do so here, but it probably won't make much sense unless you've played Xenogears up to that point... Since it's much later in the game that this is all explained.

Lacan's desire was to stop the cycle of Elly always sacrificing herself for his sake. Though Grahf is not a perfect existence - he's not fully "The Contact", he sacrifices himself in order to let Fei move forward, and hopefully stop the cycle, by destroying the Deus system. (Elly also tries to sacrifice herself here, but Fei goes after her and stops her.)

Now, some people may think I'm saying that Cloud or somebody is going to do this in order to save Aerith or Zack (or his village or mom), but in FFVII if they do the loop method, I don't think Cloud, Tifa, Barret, and the others are aware of it. Most likely, it's only 'Sephiroth' and Aerith who are aware of it.

How this Could Be used for Final Fantasy VII

I'm stressing could because there's so many different possibilities on how they use this (if they are using this), so please, don't take this as fact. This is based on speculation based on what we know.

A time loop is a great way to explain away the differences in the story that we've seen: Biggs being alive, Wedge living for longer than he should have, etc. Since these are not major plot changes, they can simply say that this time it'll be slightly different... but your fixed points (major plot points) will remain the same.

It's a way to pull in some of the more obscure themes from Dirge of Cerberus and also play with the LOVELESS lore.

It could all simply be a big red herring and it's really just a remake of OG, but with the compilation tied together nicely... since it works much better when it's combined and not in 50 different games, books, movies, etc.

I don't think it's a "sequel" per say, not in the way I generally perceive a sequel. It's more of a loop of the same thing. The question is, when is the loop started and what will cause it to end? When will the planet (if it even is the planet) determine that it's good enough to begin moving forward?

JENOVA, Sephiroth, Genesis, and Minerva - Oh My!

Let's be real... Genesis isn't exactly the most popular character in the FFVII Compilation... but what if they make him one of the most important to the story? //Ducks as various fruits and vegetable are thrown in my direction//

I think what Genesis is probably most known for is his love of LOVELESS. He has the entire thing memorized and randomly says lines from it throughout Crisis Core. LOVELESS lore is still something I'm trying to grasp, so I am not going to comment much on it. Once I understand it more, I'll update this.

...And then this happens. The secret ending for Dirge of Cerberus, where Genesis picks up Weiss. Weiss, who has now been introduced along with Nero in FFVII INTERmission and is an optional ridiculously hard boss in the Shinra battle simulator in chapter 17 of the main story. There is some lore associated with the battle sim - so if you don't plan on beating it or you just can't, you can look up the pre-battle and post-battle cut scenes on YouTube. They're very short, but interesting. (I beat this asshole last night - it's a hell of a fight.)

....To Be Continued because apparently Tumblr won't allow more than 10 images per post now.... Next will be more on JENOVA and Sephiroth along with Minerva.

[ms-hells-bells]

apart from work and income (employment and benefit agency) appointments, and shortly before dropping out of uni (so, specific incidents, not random), i have not had any suicidal thoughts in 5-6 years now. it's crazy that things blew up and got treated when i was 16, which feels like forever ago. and even in those moments where i felt it with terrible life situations, i let myself feel those negative emotions, not bottle them up, then used coping methods to deal with any ideation, like walks, thinking about little positive things in life, messaging my mother, positive affirmations, i was never truly a risk to myself. and i barely even had therapy, i had a child psychiatrist visit every few months for less than two years, who didn't really do much (and mum liked to derail it to use her as her own personal therapist every visit :/) apart from diagnose and medicate.

i essentially used the internet and self reflection to therapy myself, most likely remissioned myself from depression, anxiety, and ptsd. and the radfem community helped majorly (although it actually contributed in worsening my suicidal ideation and anxiety as a younger teen, unfortunately) as i got older. i use my blog/s as diaries and emotional outlets, to reflect on my thoughts and feelings, and why i'm feeling them. i guess that's a gift from my autism, i have always been able to disconnect and view myself from an outside perspective to examine my behaviours and emotions. writing helps significantly. i hope to, in the future, get a job that involves writing, because i think it's essentially the only skill i have been maintaining since graduating high school. not that i can display my political and social writing to prospective employers, but..anyway.

i have felt stuck in a loop for the past couple of years, being unemployed and in poverty, but there's still 60 years or so for things to happen, so i'll just eat good food, enjoy the scenery and art, volunteer to help those in need, and think my many thoughts until then.

[pla-teau]

LOKI EPISODE FOUR : THE NEXUS EVENT

GIF CREDIT TO: @luke-skywalker SPOILERS AHEAD. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!

SYLVIE | there's a lot to process in the short time we get of young sylvie. it didn't seem like she was doing anything that caused a nexus event. when we see her, she's simply playing with her toys on asgard. sylvie asks about what her crime was later on with renslayer but it's never clear cut as to what she did. the only thing we know is that she escaped from renslayer which is why she's so hell bent on capturing and pruning sylvie. i have a certain thought on this later.

WE SURVIVE | the words loki tells sylvie just when she’s given up and accepted that she’ll die on lamentis. that’s what makes loki a loki - yes, he fails over and over again but each and every time we’ve witnessed his ‘death’ he comes back or when things seem to possibly end for his story, loki still manages to survive.

LAMENTIS | based on the namesake of the episode, this is the nexus event that caused them to be found but what was it? personally, from watching the episode and keeping in mind that this is 2012!loki, i think that the nexus event was hope and acceptance between them. i think there’s genuine hope despite being stuck on a doomed planet about to become smaller flying rocks in space. in every apocalypse so far, we’ve seen that basically anticipating and accepting the end of the world doesn’t cause a breach in the timeline because what is there to hope for? it’s all going to be destroyed anyway no matter the little fake hope you have inside yourself telling you that everything is going to be alright. loki and sylvie up to this point haven’t had that kind of hope before ever in their lives. with the acceptance part, i think it's self-acceptance and acceptance of their roles in the universe. roll with me here, loki throughout the mcu has never accepted his fate or what's supposed to happen; he's always fighting it and trying to come out on top as a ruler of people whether it's earth, asgard and sakaar. he doesn't accept to not be a ruler or on the losing side of a battle against earth's mightiest heroes and at odds with the other marvel characters. he doesn't fully accept himself either because he didn't know he was adopted until at least one thousand years later and he couldn't accept that he wasn't destined for something other than a shadow or simply his title as the god of mischief. it made a lot more sense in my head tbh. a lot of people freaking out about this moment being loki falling in love with sylvie/himself but i don't think that's it. loki for once genuinely cares about someone else and i think it's platonic cause while i have little faith in the mouse house giving us more than confirmation that loki is bisexual, i don't think they'd make loki fall in love with himself.

LOKI'S TIME CELL | a nostalgic reveal we get is sif in this looped time cell plucked from loki's memory. apparently, he cut off a chunk of her hair because he thought it would be funny. in typical sif fashion, she proceeds to beat him up in retaliation as well of sharing some biting words. it's interesting how after a few loops and knees to the nuts, loki apologizes to sif about the prank and admits that he's afraid of being alone and acts narcissistic and like a pompous asshole if you will because of this fear. i think this is a bigger break through of his character than the one we saw in the first episode because he's admitting it to someone from his life that he highly respected but acted like a child to her to get her attention even if it was negative. i wish for more vulnerable loki moments because it continues to prove that loki isn't just the god of mischief, he can be more (as thor said in ragnarok).

MOBIUS VS LOKI | honestly, this whole interrogation scene screamed mobius being jealous of loki making pals with sylvie and i loved it. what i like is that mobius does air the sentiment that we all have in our heads after realizing that loki and sylvie did somehow click to create the nexus event. it's narcissism to the max. again, i think loki truly cares for sylvie in a platonic or even a familial sense since they both don't make connections too often with others (romantic or platonic).

HUNTER B-15 | i was wondering what happened with her after her run in with sylvie at the roxxcart supermarket. clearly, sylvie unlocked a memory within her subconscious as well and is starting to doubt herself. we don't see what memory of hers it was but it's enough to make her break protocol and go against the TVA later on in the episode. in conclusion, we have no choice but to stan this queen. also seems like she wasn't reset in that final battle so we'll hopefully see her in the next episode.

RAVONNA & MOBIUS | their friendship is put to the test in this episode. while being of a higher position than mobius, ravonna does seem to care deeply for mobius. she said so herself, she wants to protect mobius...but from the truth instead of the false danger about sylvie that she's filling his head with. ravonna clearly knows a lot more than she's letting on and that the TVA is an elaborate lie. i think she wants to protect mobius from the truth because she doesn't seem to have other close friendships like the one with him. it's also clear she cares for him when he's pruned (supposedly!) by another hunter. also, there's this other analyst/field agent mobius always brings up when we see them in her office so i wonder if it's someone who also knows about the grand lie the TVA is or is even some alternate variant of kang the conqueror who we know is supposed to be introduced in the third ant-man movie. it'd be interesting to see if kang is teased one way or another in the final two episodes.

DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU DESERVE TO BE ALONE? | the question mobius poses to loki when he starts to believe that they may be telling the truth. it's an interesting question to pose because we've been hearing it and have seen it throughout the mcu with loki. the time loop loki's stuck in, sif tells him that he'll always be alone. throughout the mcu, loki has been alone in his plans and mischief despite being surrounded by his family, his future enemies, and his people. loki has known nothing but being on his own, being his own island of chaos. as sylvie put it earlier, they're a product of the universe trying to break free, chaos. mobius knows that this nexus event has something to do with the two of them, for once, accepting that they're not alone or that they're not just a cosmic mistake, there's hope for them to be whatever they want and not just confined to their mischievous roles.

RAVONNA & SYLVIE | in the elevator, sylvie confronts ravonna about her crime as a child. it's something everyone wants to know, what does a young loki have to do to be charged and reset by the TVA? ravonna seems to know that this something she can leverage and torture sylvie with so she claims to not remember. sylvie says that it must've been important and severe enough to mess up the sacred timeline. maybe she wasn't supposed to know that she was adopted until later in her life like our loki. she's supposed to be causing trouble and be this terrible villain but what if with sylvie knowing her true parentage at such an early age, she learned to accept herself/identity and made peace with it. that's another thing that could've caused the nexus event between the two, they had found self-acceptance even at just the brink of death. maybe they're supposed to do so but later in their lives in their own timelines so that's why it's enough to destroy the TVA as mobius hinted at earlier. happy that sylvie decided to keep ravonna for information so i expect the next episode to have them in ravonna's office or still in the timekeeper chambers as ravonna tells us what is going on.

THE TIMEKEEPERS | when sylvie beheads the central timekeeper, we learn that they're mindless androids. it never ends, there's no throne to sit upon after killing them so it seems. it was all just a giant hoax but this further feeds into my personal theory that kang, one way or another, is behind all of this. what i find really interesting is how the other two timekeepers laugh when sylvie beheads one. whoever is behind controlling the fake androids, they have a way to see what is happening and communicate in real time with the TVA agents and variants. hopefully in the final two episodes we see what the hell is going on and how the TVA came to be and why.

LOKI POST CREDIT SCENE | so apparently, loki isn't reset or something of the sorts. he's actually sent to another world. i believe this is an alternate new york where we'll see president loki as you can see the remains of the old avengers tower. this makes me think about mobius' fate to be similar to loki's; possibly sent to either the same place or a similar world. we see three human new lokis here. from the credits, we have classic loki (richard e. grant), kid loki (jack veal), and boastful loki (deobia oparei). apparently there's also a crocodile!loki and i'm here for it. can't wait to see how our favorite variant gets out of it next week!

oh god, this was so rusty and unorganized but hope if whoever reads this can somewhat understand the points i'm trying to get across.