#Where I'm not working here next year because I simply can't do it anymor

[tam--lin]

feeling sad about camp today

[tabithatwo]

are we ready to talk about shauna's barely hidden but somehow very ignored psychosis and how it, like a ton of her other qualities, is brushed aside by both those around her and the audience? like, i think its clear that a central focus of the show is the way lottie is the only one who got stuck in a facility (and natalie in and out of rehab being the next closest to reckoning with her shit) when the rest of them are very clearly not okay. as a certified Crazy Girl, i've been weary of how they'll handle lottie's story line (blurring psychosis and the supernatural is a very delicate and tricky thing and thus far i've been sort of just waiting to see where it goes). our data on and understanding of mental health is incredibly limited for a lot of reasons (but that's a rant for another time) but there is a large mainstream misconception of when hallucinations and delusions can happen. psychosis isn't just something that happens in schizophrenia and its very complex, so if you want to learn more there's plenty of info out there i'm not going to get into it here, but it happens in a lot of other cases. psychosis is, most simply put, a loss of contact with external reality. ptsd can cause psychosis, especially auditory and visual hallucinations.

so shauna is shown to have these experiences and i didn't realize that they were being so heavily overlooked by a large amount of people until the reaction to the scene where she beats lottie nearly to death. shauna is introduced in s1 as having hallucinations of jackie 25 years later. she is shown to disassociate. in 207, she both holds the baby's body and believes the delusion that they ate the baby. the episode shows her fighting the delusion until she can't anymore. meanwhile, adult shauna tells lottie she keeps callie at arms length out of "fear that she would die...i guess? or maybe that she was never even...real to begin with." then she adds "i think something is broken, lottie." implied: she's broken. something is wrong with her. this is the is the most honest about her mental state we've ever seen shauna be.

why? because lottie has always been and likely will always be perceived as crazier. lottie is the one they pin it on, lottie is the cult leader both then and now, lottie is the scapegoat, lottie is the one who got sent to switzerland. i think there's something to be said for the effect lottie has on people (again, a whole other post) but honestly, that alone is enough. shauna is feeling vulnerable for a lot of reasons and she can tell lottie that she thinks she's crazy, that she's never quite sure her daughter exists, that she's constantly afraid she'll die to the degree that she doesn't let herself interact with her in a real, tangible way, because it's always safer to tell the crazy girl you're crazy, too.

and lottie knows. shauna knows that. lottie clocked her psychosis almost immediately, when she was in the meat shed for all hours. the other girls were shocked by the makeup, and their shock was so fucking strange to me when i watched it, but now on reflecting i'm realizing maybe its the lottie effect. like, have i done the shit shauna has? abso-fucking-lutely not lol. but does my mind work in a way where i immediately would assume shauna was doing something along the lines of the shit she was doing out there, because to me its like...what else would it be? yeah. like sees like, in a way. lottie knows what this looks like at baseline, even if its coming out way different in shauna. even if in shauna it looks like aggression and violence a lot of the time. lottie gets it.

jeff doesn't get it, he thinks strawberry lube is too wild. taissa gets it to a degree, and we see shauna be the second most open with her, but tai suppresses and hides it a degree that she wouldn't dare step foot in a therapist's office (this is yet another thing that makes me crazy but is a whole other post lol). shauna's main goal in this life she's created is pretending to be normal. and she's like, impressively bad at it. but people let her, because what else are they going to do? addressing the clear issues is taboo, because we categorize people so heavily. she masks better than lottie, but it's fucking wafer thin. you see this when she interacts with people who aren't her family or the other yjs. the way she speaks to the taylors? to adam? shauna is only sometimes masking passably when she's in her set world, where she has a routine, and is surrounded by people she only has to half-convince of her sanity.

if shauna is honest about the level of psychosis she experiences, she knows she'll end up like lottie. and i think there's an argument to be made that the people around her (which at this point in her life is pretty much just jeff because she's done another common thing and insulated herself from other people, re: the way she behaves being clockably off to others who won't overlook certain things or can't relate) understand that too. it can't be addressed, because then in their minds there must be action of some kind if it is. (taissa yelling you're acting crazy, shauna is one of the most purely terrified moments we see of her in relation to shauna, because she knows she's admitting something. jeff yelling something to the same effect after the carjacking, same thing.)

the person we see try to get shauna to open up about it is callie. her teenage daughter, who bares the brunt of her difficulty maintaining reality, (who knows that shauna has never accepted her fully as her child, and seems to actually sense that there is a deeper reason for that), asks her to open up. she tells her after the club scene that she knows something is wrong. she even mentions jackie directly. she spends all of s2 trying to relate to shauna, to get her to be open with her about everything. there's no way shauna's trauma and psychosis and general issues have gone unnoticed by callie. daughters always know. they see it in their mothers before they even have a concept of the world. so we're watching a 16 year old try to get her mom to open up, because she doesn't understand fully why that's so dangerous to shauna. to callie, it may even be a secret she thinks other people are in on that she's being left out of. i think maybe she's realizing that it isn't personal and that shauna is guarded like this in general, and we're watching that happen.

callie is learning to care for and relate to her mother and she doesn't see why shauna won't let her in, because to her it's an innate truth that she'll be by her side no matter what (if only she'd let her be). she has unconditional love for her mother and that is the scariest thing in the world to shauna, because the last person who had unconditional love for shauna died because shauna didn't know what to do with it. a baby she never got a chance to meet in reality could've replaced the love that jackie gave her, and shauna was maybe starting to look forward to that, but that ended before it began. so twice shauna has killed that figure in her life. the one who loves her wholly and for who she is, which is terrifying to shauna in it's own right (she tried to take that away from jackie in their last moments, maybe you never really knew me, because that would be easier. shauna can't handle someone really knowing her because she can't handle really knowing herself because, again, that means addressing things that go unaddressed). and she doesn't plan on killing that figure again.

(if callie's even real, because the baby wasn't real when she met him and jackie wasn't real every time she's talked to her in the last twenty-five years, so who the fuck is to say callie is real?)

[pomefioredove]

My brain is kinda sluggish plus I'm indecisive but also i did like several of these (also if i need to divide up this post let me know)

I have no clue which i like best so i simply made a list but let me know if i need to chunk it up

For Riddle Rosehearts

"If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun." Or "I'm putting you on my to-do list."

For Vil Schoenheit

"Don't bite your lip, I want to do that."

For Ruggie

"You like me because I'm a scoundrel."

vil done here!

summary: "if you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun." type of post: short fic characters: riddle additional info: romantic, reader is gender neutral, reader is yuu, maybe ooc, post book 1

You think it's a pretty pathetic sight, but you make no mention of it. Their egos are bruised enough as it is.

"How long?" you ask, sitting across from the shackled duo.

Ace knocks against the solid collar around his neck. "Not long... But we can't present like this,"

You were hoping he wouldn't say that.

And just a day after you told them not to do anything stupid this week, too...

Deuce says nothing; he's been sulking at the end of the table like a puppy with its tail between its legs for the entire lunch period.

"Have you tried reasoning?" you ask. "Maybe he can take them off for the presentation, then put them back on?"

Ace scoffs. "Reason? With Riddle?"

"I thought he was trying to be more lenient?"

"He is," Deuce mutters, hanging his head. "But that just means he only dishes out punishments when someone really deserves it..."

"It was just a stupid painting!" Ace says.

"That we set on fire!"

You look between the two as they bicker over the accident, bewildered by their lack of concern about where this puts you.

Ace and Deuce were supposed to perform the magical component of your defense project, while you and Grim presented. Now...?

You stand. "I'll talk to Riddle,"

Your friends share a pitiful look, but do nothing to stop you as you hurry out of the room.

Surely, Riddle will understand. He wouldn't let you suffer from Ace and Deuce's mistake!

"No," he says.

"But-"

Riddle beheads the wilting flower of a rose with a sharp snap of his shears. It tumbles into the underbrush.

"They destroyed a priceless piece of art. It was hundreds of years old!" he snaps, leaving no room for disagreement. "They should be thankful it's only a week."

He moves on to the next browning rose, inspecting its petals before decapitating it, too.

"But I didn't do anything. I told them not to do anything dumb, I tried to reason with them,"

"Reason? With Ace and Deuce?" he scoffs.

"I would recommend asking for an extension on your assignment until they've carried out their sentence,"

It's too late to ask for another week; he must know that. And you're not giving up so easily.

There must be something you can say...

"But it was an accident,"

Riddle scoffs. "Of course it was. And the rules clearly state that accidental arson of a painting more than three hundred years old must be punished by losing their heads,"

Rules. Great. This is quickly becoming a lost cause.

"There has to be some other way they can be punished," you say. "You said you weren't going to lose your head about these things anymore."

He sighs, rolling his eyes as if frustrated with you. "The rules-"

"Come on, Riddle- If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun!"

Riddle stops. For a moment, it's almost like... he's actually considering your offer.

"...What exactly did you have in mind?"

-

"This is what you call a compromise?!"

Ace's head of fiery hair pops up, the color a striking contrast against the green of the hedge maze.

You shrug. Riddle, sitting across from you as you watch the two tend to the shrubbery, almost giggles.

"The Prefect has been more than fair. If anything, you should be thanking them for the opportunity to end your punishment early," he says, pouring you another cup of tea.

Ace grumbles, scratching his neck under his collar.

Deuce nudges him, and the two get back to work on trimming the hedges, a puny pair of shears in each hand.

Riddle smiles. "I must say, I'm rather impressed by your persuasion skills. It's not often that I change the terms of a punishment after it's dealt,"

"Well, I didn't want to fail on their account,"

"I heard that!" Ace yells. Riddle grins again.

"Perhaps your ingenuity will inspire them, then," he hums, cupping his tea in his palms.

"In the meantime, I believe another tea party is in order for tomorrow afternoon- they have a lot of ground to cover. Care to join?"

[starrycassi]

Ballister's been through this many times. Ambrosius comes into his room, hysterical, to announce him of some ridiculous upper crust rule or ball or challenge that he's got to participate in. He knows the drill by now; listen to him, reassure him and help him get ready, be it brushing his hair or co-writing a speech for him to give.

The Goldenloin family puts up an act for people to show off Ambrosius and his many qualities every so often. He doesn't really care, not anymore. He used to panic alongside Ambrosius, when they were thirteen. He's seventeen, now, and the novelty of it has worn off — it's just kind of funny, really, to see his boyfriend suffer through hours and hours of whatever bullshit he's supposed to do now.

This upcoming event, however, is doing a number on Ambrosius's nerves. He's pacing back and forth the room, and he hasn't even looked at Ballister yet. His tic — the one in his left eye, is back, and his lips are red and swollen in the places where he's been bitting them. It's barely five am, and Ballister knows that this is going to be a long day.

"You're going to get nauseous if you keep spinning around, Amber" he tries to start the conversation, voice soft and words slow. Between them, Ambrosius has always been the worst when it comes to keeping his emotions under control. Ballister's learnt, by now, that sometimes it's just better to give him space.

"I'm nauseous already. Some spinning won't hurt, I'm sure" he snaps back, almost screaming. Ballister decides that talking to him won't be possible right now, and goes back to the project on his table, making sure to hold the screwdriver at the right angle.

After fifteen minutes or so, Ambrosius finally stops. He whines, letting his body weight drag him down on Ballister's mattress.

"What is it, this time?"

Ambrosius's silent, only whining a bit more after the question, like a wounded dog. That's new. He usually loves to go on rants about how everything is going to go wrong and how the whole world hates him in secret. Ballister puts down the tools, quickly scribbles down what he's supposed to do next to avoid future mistakes, and sits down next to his boyfriend, threading a hand through the other teen's hair.

They stay like that some minutes, Ballister working his way through the blond strands and Ambrosius simply lying there. Ballister's starting to think that he's fallen asleep, when Ambrosius finally speaks up, face still buried in pillows.

"They're marrying me off, Bal"

The world stops spinning.

Ballister goes static. His whole body freezes, and his heart stops beating. He can feel the blood on his veins going cold, so cold his bones feel stuck, too.

This was a expected situation, kind of. Captain Gloria, Ambrosius's mom, had been married off, too. She didn't like her husband in the slightest and they never talked to each other. Ambrosius told him all that.

She had also promised to keep her son away from that predicament. But Ballister knew better than to trust mothers. His own had abandoned him some years ago, after all.

"What... How? What?"

Ambrosius sits up, criss cross, hugging a pillow. He's such a kid. His eyes are already watery, and he's got a red nose, probably from slamming his face into the pillows.

"Not- well, not actually marrying me off. Mum doesn't want that, y'know" He shrugs, looking at his own hands. "But she can't really... just go against tradition, I guess. So, uh, there's going to be a tournament, figths, you know? And I know I'll probably win, she chose combat because she knows I'm good at it, but what if I don't win?"

He takes a deep breath, grunting. Ballister's brain is struggling to catch up, so he can't do much more than nod, encouraging his boyfriend to keep talking.

"It's not going to be like here, only us, cadets and students, where I know I will undoubtedly win. Actual grown ups could get in there, Ballister. My mom's been screaming to anyone and everyone about how ridiculous everything is, but- I guess rules are rules. I haven't slept. We stayed up all night on the phone, she tore down the whole family's library, called all of our lawyers, we tried every single article and law ever written. Nothing. The best we can do is... hope"

"The Captain's right. This is ridiculous, Ambrosius. What do you mean grown ups? Why? That's fucking creepy. Can't you guys just... say no? You're a Goldenloin, surely you-"

Ambrosius grunts, again, tugging at one of his hair strands.

"It's not that easy!" He screams, shutting Ballister up. "I've been getting proposals for... for forever! It's not really a matter of love as it is a matter of money, Bal. I've been getting proposals even from before I was actually born. Political alliances and all that. Mom's been doing her best, I know she has, but when a heir has said "no" enough times, then a duel or something can be called up, and an actual tournament would be way easier than just fighting every single idiot that wants to get my last name!"

Ballister's never been happier to be an orphan commoner than right now. His only worry when it comes to marriage is whether or not he can afford a pretty ring.

It's not like commoners don't marry for money. Arranged marriages were a pretty common thing around him, young kids marrying older people to try and get their families ahead, forced by their parents, their "spouses" or their economical situations. He just... never really had to worry about it, ever since he became a knight.

"That's incredibly fucked up, Ambrosius"

"I know ! I am well aware of how weird this must be for you, Bal. And I have absolutely no backup plan. My mom's confident that I'm winning, because Goldenloins never lose, but I'm not her! She can still beat me when we spar together, what am I going to do if someone else wins? Just... get married?"

Trying to come up with a solution, Ballister stutters and stammers his way through a sentence.

"You could, uh, get married and have a divorce, right?"

"No! Totally no! You don't get it! Whoever wins gets to ask whatever they want from my family, money, land, my hand- whatever, and then that's irrevocable!"

Stressed out, Ballister screechs. Of course he doesn't get it. No one ever bothered to explain this to him. He knew that parents could force their kids to marry (Captain Gloria once told him the story, very drunk and very mad at her departed dad) but not that a whole fucking event could be staged even if the family said no.

"It's not my fault I don't get it, you twat! Do you think the knigth training automatically gave me political marriage bullshit training, too? Well, no, it didn't! I'm so sorry for not knowing you weird ass nobility traditions, Ambrosius, I didn't realize I was supposed to!"

Getting up from the bed, mad at the world for being unfair and at himself for snapping, he runs his hands through his hair, with the impulse to simply rip it all off. It quickly gets replaced by guilt. Ambrosius has done nothing wrong, and here he is, being an asshole instead of helping.

"Amber... Shit, I'm sorry. This is just-"

Chuckling humorlessly, Ambrosius waves his hand in the air. He looks up at Ballister, and shakes his head.

"You're right. Sorry. I just forgot. I always do"

They already went through this, too. Ambrosius is good at keeping Ballister up to date, always happy to explain the situation, but sometimes things just... slip his mind. It isn't anyone's fault, but it's still annoying when it happens.

"Sorry, too. For calling you a twat"

Ballister leans down, tentatively. Ambrosius doesn't hesitate to lift himself up, and they share a quick kiss. All is forgiven.

"So... what now?"

Silently, they both try their best to think. Ballister's mind is blank, just screaming at him to get a sword and go decapitate however wrote the fuckin rules. He ignores that voice, per usual. The fucker's probably dead, by now, anyway.

Ambrosius is the one who gasps, and smiles all of the sudden, so bright that the sun should be jealous. He bounces on the bed a couple of times, clapping to get his boyfriend's attention.

"We're both idiots!"

Ballister frowns, confused. An awkward smile is all he can offer Ambrosius, wondering if his man finally went crazy.

"I see no correlation between our supposed idiocy and the problem at hand, Amber."

"Come on, Bal! This is easy. I have the best plan" he giggles, like a kid that just got a new toy. Ballister can tell that this plan probably will suck and get them in more danger than necessary. And he's so on board. Always on board, when it comes to Ambrosius.

"Which is?"

"You!" Exclaims Ambrosius, rolling his eyes. "You're my plan"

"Excuse me?"

"You're going to compete and win, Bal"

Perhaps he never should've become a knight, that way he never would've fallen in love with this absolute trainwreck of a man. Is it too late to go back to being a random kid and forget about all this? Probably.

[sugdenlovesdingle]

Buck's Bisexual Speedrun (AO3)

Neither Buck or Tommy know the meaning of the expression "taking it slow"

A/N: This is based on an ask I saw ages ago on how Buck basically went from 0 to 100 in no time when it comes to his sexuality and his relationship with Tommy, and that at this rate, he'd just walk into work one day soon with Kinard on his uniform because they got married.

---

“Good morning probie.” Buck happily greeted Ravi as he walked into the firehouse to start his shift after having had a few days off.

“You do realise I'm not a probie anymore, right? I'm a fully qualified firefighter, just like you.”

“Of course you are probie.”

“You were there when I officially qualified!”

“Uhuh.”

“You know what - never mind. Why are you so happy anyway?”

Buck shrugged, the smile never leaving his face.

“Can't a guy just be happy? It's a nice day, traffic wasn't crazy, life is good.”

“Right. But it's not even 8am yet. Nobody is this happy this early in the morning.”

“I am.” Buck said simply, brushing past him to put his stuff away, having changed into his uniform before arriving at the station. “Has anyone made coffee yet?”

“Uh... I uh... don't know... uh... I uh... just got here.” Ravi stammered.

“That's ok, I'll go check.” he made his way up the stairs to the kitchen where Hen had just poured herself a cup. “Morning.” he greeted her and moved around the kitchen to find a clean mug.

“Morning Buckaroo. No Tommy today?” She asked.

In the year or so that Buck and Tommy had been together, it wasn't unusual for Tommy to join them for breakfast if his own schedule allowed it.

"Nah, I thought I'd let him sleep. His shift doesn't start until six and I need him well rested when he gets into that helicopter."

Hen nodded and took a sip of her coffee, and choked on it when Buck turned around and she saw the name on the back of his shirt.

“Uh... were you in a hurry this morning?”

“No? I had to run some errands, I've been up since around 5.”

“Errands? This early in the morning?"

“Hmm. Had to pick something up across town.” He picked up his mug and joined her at the table. In the back of her mind the sound of something clinking against the mug did register as off but it was too early to figure out why.

“Right. It’s just that I think you've picked up Tommy's shirt this morning. It says Kinard on the back.”

Buck's smile got even bigger, and he seemed to actually be glowing.

“I know. I took his name when we got married. These are my new shirts. I picked them up this morning." He took a sip of his coffee and that's when Hen noticed the ring on his finger.

“You did what now?!”

“We got married.”

“W-when?”

Buck glanced at the clock on the wall.

“About… 55 hours ago now?” He smiled. “It was kind of a spur of the moment thing. Did you know Vegas is only an hour away by helicopter?”

“I did.” Eddie announced as he walked into the kitchen and pushed past Buck to get himself some coffee. “Morning. What are we talking about, mister… Kinard…” he trailed off. “Are you two becoming one of those couples now? Is Tommy walking around with Buckley on his back?”

Buck grinned and raised an eyebrow at his best friend.

“No. Nope. Don’t answer that. I don’t want to know.” Eddie warned him quickly, holding up his hand as if that would stop Buck from talking. 

“I mean… he’s probably still in bed… so he’s not wearing much of anything right now.” Buck grinned and sat down at the table next to Hen while Eddie groaned and muttered something under his breath about never being friends with couples.

“Did you know?” Hen asked Eddie when he joined them at the table.

“Know what?”

Hen grabbed Buck’s left hand and showed Eddie his ring.

“You asked him? I thought you wanted to wait until the party?”

“Yeah… but then I picked him up from work last week… and I just couldn’t wait.” Buck smiled. “When you know, you know, right?”

“Hmm.” Eddie agreed as he focused on his coffee.

“So you knew?” Hen asked again.

“Yeah. I helped him pick out the ring.” Eddie shrugged. “I didn’t know he was going to propose now though.”

“Oh no, he didn’t just propose.” Hen started. “He proposed and then they eloped.”

“What?”

“I proposed, he said yes… and then we talked about it and decided to fly to Vegas to get married.”

“You did what? Why?”

Buck shrugged.

“It’s just easier this way.”

“Easier…”

“So you don’t want your families there when you say I do?” Hen asked.

“Well that’s the thing we talked about. If we plan a wedding we have to think of a guest list, and I have to decide if I want my parents there or not…” Buck trailed off. “And this way we don’t have to deal with all that and we can just throw a party. And I’ll send my parents a change of address card with my new name on it. They’ll fill in the blanks themselves.”

Eddie stared at him for a minute before shrugging. He had to admit to himself he could see the logic in their reasoning. He wouldn’t want Philip and Margaret Buckley at his wedding either.

“Wait… so the party next Saturday… that’s going to be Tommy’s birthday, your housewarming, and your wedding reception?” He counted the events on his fingers.

“Yeah pretty much.”

“Don’t think I’m getting you three presents.” Hen warned him and the three of them laughed. “Call your husband, get him over here for lunch. We need to celebrate with cake.” She said and got up to make a call, presumably to order a cake.

Buck smiled and pulled his phone out of his pocket to call Tommy.

“Is that from the ceremony?” Eddie asked, glancing at his home screen, knowing Buck didn’t care and often did the same to him.

“Yeah.” He pulled up the picture from the camera roll. “It’s when we said I do actually.” He smiled and swiped through the rest of the pictures, showing Eddie more of the ceremony.

“Who took the pictures?”

“The chapel had its own photographer. And Tommy’s cousin who works on the strip. You know him, the one that always gets you two tickets to the fights.” Buck explained, pausing on a picture of him and Tommy standing in front of the officiant, smiling brightly as Buck is sliding Tommy’s ring onto his finger.

“I’m happy for you man.” Eddie told him with a squeeze to his shoulder. “But I’m a little disappointed I didn’t get to embarrass you in my best man speech.”

“Hold onto it, maybe you can use it in a couple of years if we renew our vows.”

“Buck. Got a minute?” Bobby walked up to the table with some papers in his hand and sat down.

“Uh… sure cap, what’s up?”

“I… just got an interesting call from LAFD Personnel.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah they said to tell you your new turnouts might take a little longer than they first said because they’re going to be put in with the order for the probationary firefighters who are about to graduate the academy.”

“Oh… that’s ok…”

“And to ask you to let them know if they should say Kinard, E or just Kinard.” Bobby relayed. “Is there something you want to tell us?”

Buck blushed and looked down at his hands, fiddling with his wedding ring.

“Yeah… uh… Tommy and I… got married. In Vegas.”

“And that’s my cue.” Eddie said and got up, leaving the two of them to talk in private.

“Vegas huh?”

“Yeah it uh… we didn’t plan it… we just… we decided to go for it. Knowing our luck with weddings it would probably end with one of us in hospital or some natural disaster ruining the whole thing.” Buck explained, looking at a spot on the wall over Bobby’s shoulder, not wanting to see the disappointment or anger on his face. “We didn’t purposely leave everyone out of it, I swear. We just… wanted to be married. And we were still at Harbor anyway, because that’s where I proposed, so we got in a helicopter and just… went.”

“Well I have to admit I didn’t see it coming… but I’m happy for you. For both of you.”

Buck finally got himself to look him in the eye.

“You are?”

“Of course. I told you when you two first got together, Tommy is good for you. And you are for him. I remember when he worked here, he was so closed off. Going through the motions. Until the transfer went through. I called him into my office to tell him, and I’d never seen him as happy as that day. But that was until I saw the two of you together.” Bobby smiled. “You’re both more comfortable in your own skin than I ever saw you before.” He patted Buck’s hand. “Now what should I tell them at Personnel?”

Before Buck had a chance to reply, Chimney walked into the kitchen area, whistling some kind of tune.

“Good morning everyone.” He announced. “I dropped Jee off at pre-school, Maddie at work, got a bagel from that nice place down the block from dispatch that just opened up, AND I beat my personal record in getting here. Yes you may applaud now.” He paused for a minute and rolled his eyes when he didn’t get an applause. “Buck. You need to call your sister.” He said when he noticed Buck and Bobby sitting at the table.

“I-I do?”

“Yeah. About Tommy’s birthday present. Apparently a brewery tour and craft beer tasting for two is not a good gift.”

“He’d probably love that.” Buck mused.

“That’s what I said!” Chimney said, exasperated. “But apparently I don’t know my friend. So, now you can tell her what your boyfriend likes and maybe she’ll believe you.”

“Ah yeah sure… I’ll call her… But Tommy’s not my boyfriend anymore.”

“What? Don’t tell me you broke up. You just moved in together! You are not sleeping on our couch. You can crash at Eddie’s.” He decided. “And you’re not making me choose between you and him. I won’t do it.”

“You won’t have to choose.” Buck told him, trying to suppress a smile.

“Oh? Did you already decide who gets me in the divorce?”

“No… because we didn’t break up. Quite the opposite actually.” He held up his hand to show Chimney his ring. “We got married.”

Chimney stared at his hand and then blinked a few times.

“Well… congratulations. But now you definitely need to call Maddie because I am not keeping that secret until Saturday.”

Buck laughed.

“Don’t worry, I’ll call her. Right after I call my husband to invite him over here to celebrate our marriage.”

The rest of the morning was slow, with no alarm going off and everyone just catching up on chores around the firehouse.

Buck had a sneaky suspicion Bobby had asked for any calls to be rerouted to other stations for a few hours, but decided to just take the easy morning.

He was just finishing up checking the engine on one of the trucks when Ravi called his name.

“Buck! Your boy- I mean husband is here.”

He smiled and quickly wiped his hands on a rag and walked to the open bay doors where Tommy was shaking hands with Ravi.

“Hey probie, hands off my man.”

“I was congratulating him! On your marriage!” Ravi protested. “And I’m not a probie anymore!”

“Yeah, yeah.” Buck waved his comment away, only focusing on Tommy, happily pulling him into a hug when he was close enough. “Just remember this one is taken, alright?”

“Hmm if I’d known marriage would make you this possessive I would have proposed months ago.” Tommy teased after accepting his kiss hello.

“You were going to propose?”

“I thought about it. Ever since I asked you to move in. I was going to get Eddie to help me pick out a ring.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, you just beat me to it. On both Eddie and the proposing.”

“Well Vegas was your idea. So you still beat me on something.”

“I did, didn’t I?” Tommy grinned. “And what’s my prize for beating you?”

Buck didn’t reply, but just gently grabbed his chin, like Tommy had done to him countless times before, and pressed a kiss against his lips.

“Alright you two break it up.” Hen said as she pushed past them, carrying a large box. “We have cake.” She walked up the stairs to the loft.

“I’m not sure I trust you with cake. I still remember the last time I was around you with cake.” Tommy joked as he and Buck followed her up the stairs.

“I promise I won’t push you into this one.” She replied. “It’s for Buck too after all.”

“I don’t know, I think I might enjoy you covered in cake.” Buck said quietly.

“Behave.” Tommy replied but the look on his face told Buck he didn’t exactly hate the idea.

The whole crew was starting to gather in the kitchen and everyone congratulated the happy couple.

“Athena sends her love. She’s sorry she couldn’t get away but she told me to give you this” Bobby said and hugged first Buck and then Tommy. “She wanted me to kiss you both too but I think I’ll leave that for her to do herself on Saturday.” He joked. “Congratulations again, guys. It’s good to see you both happy.”

They thanked everyone for their well wishes and ended up having a mini ceremony in the firehouse kitchen.

Hen insisted they cut their Mr and Mr Kinard cake together and Eddie had assigned himself the job of wedding photographer, making sure to capture every little moment.

Buck made a mental note to get him to send them all to him.

“Evan, are you wearing my shirt?” Tommy asked, amused, a little while later when everyone had gotten their piece of cake and they had a quiet moment to themselves. He traced the letters on Buck’s back with his fingers.

“No, I’m wearing my shirt.”

Tommy frowned.

“Your shirt?”

“Yep. Did you not think I was being serious about taking your name?”

“No… I mean… yes, I know you were. But how did you get a shirt with your new name on it this fast?”

“I just called them and asked.”

“You asked. When?”

“When we got back from Vegas. When you were in the shower. I picked them up this morning. Only my new turn outs will take a few weeks.”

“When I was at the 118 under Gerrard someone somewhere made a mistake with my uniform and I walked around in shirts and turn outs that said Kincaid on the back for months. And you just… ask and get new uniforms in a few days?” Tommy asked laughingly.

“What can I say? My husband is kind of a big deal in the LAFD these days. He flew a helicopter into a hurricane. Got a medal for it and everything.”

[not-that-syndrigast]

Is the grid a friend group?

Short answer; no. But we are here to analyze and discuss, so let's figure out why not and what else the grid can be described as.

In a friend group, you pretty much choose who's a part and who isn't, something that's not possible in F1 where team principals and other higher ups decide who is in the group and who is not. It's also too big to be a proper friend group and too forced.

If you want to describe the F1 grid, I would compare it to a class. It fits not only from the size, but also the set up; the people in a class cannot decide either who is in said group, instead they are forced to spend time with these people and there's smaller groups within. To strengthen the comparison, i'd argue the teammate lineups are similar to seating neighbors; a small bit of mutual liking is needed for things to work out but generally you can't really choose, at least I don't let my students choose.

This can also be used to talk about dynamics on the grid and I would assume makes it easier for some of you to understand that while they aren't necessarily close friends, they all know each other in some way because they are forced to.

I would like to make three examples though;

Oliver Bearman joining the grid and being supported by multiple experienced drivers makes sense, they’ve all been there and even if they aren’t in the same team or even close, they all made sure he felt welcomed and as a part of the group.

Lando Norris and Carlos Sainz becoming friends. Usually I am not a big fan of the assumption that everyone who are teammates are friends, just like how you aren't friends with everyone you ever sat next to but were just forced to talk because there was no one else. These two met each other like that though and became real friends like it sometimes is.

Charles Leclerc and Carlos Sainz, arguably the relationship why I've spent some time to even think about this. A lot of people claim their friendship is only PR, they are not friends and only talk for cameras, but i think it's more difficult than that. Unlike Sainz and Norris, they didn't hit it off instantly and became great friends, but I do still think that they talk, even if only because they are forced to spend time together in the garage. With Sainz leaving, it's interesting. Even if they weren't proper best friends the way Sainz and Norris were, it's still sad and weird to not be close to someone anymore.

Another thing that made this come up again was the recent grill the grid episode, where Norris didn't remember Ocon which proves my point that they aren't a friend group. There's videos of them talking, they know each other, but they are in completely different smaller friend groups on the grid. In the end it's not that deep, Norris forgetting Ocon isn't him bullying Ocon out but simply proves that they aren’t best friends.

It is important to mention though that I do not know these people and it's only observations and interpretations based on my own experiences with class and friendship dynamics. Like always, if someone disagrees or feels the need to share their opinion, I'm free to hear anyone out.

Also; drivers forgetting the names of other drivers they are supposed to be friends with isn’t that deep either. Today i accidentally called my best friend of seven years the name of my cat, it's really not that deep.

[lillymakesart]

more episode 5 discussion

tl;dr a continuation of my video dissertation on lilly.makes.tiktoks: (summary) mikio fell in love with mizu, they had their first argument, mama convinced mikio to turn mizu in, mikio did go turn her in. "love poisoned by betrayal" where mikio is the love, mama is the betrayal

i feel like mama's betrayal needs some more reading into in order to truly understand her motivations, because that pipeline going from caretaker to ultimate betrayal is so insane

mikio's petty actions (picking at mizu's insecurities by calling her a monster and taking away the horse he gifted to her) are all in line with a hurt, petty, toxic lover that just wanted to hurt mizu back in the way the she hurt him

what about mama? she has cared for Mizu all these years, had been her mother figure, and even reaped some benefits off of Mizu's arranged marriage. isn't turning her adoptive daughter into the very men she fought all her life to keep her safe from a bit too intense?

to wish such foul ill on someone must have taken years and years of built up resentment and vitriol. maybe if we look at the timeline from mama's perspective the motivation behind her betrayal would reveal itself

Fowler said that mama was Mizu's maid. not sure if this has any significance, but he didn't say nanny or wetnurse. maybe she was simply a maid that worked around the house and only tangentially caring for the baby. life in the estate must have been pretty cushy for her as she was generally sheltered and protected under her lord's care

but then assassins come for the baby, she is caught up in the mess, and she can only stand by and watch as Mizu's life hangs in balance before her. fate decides that Mizu should live, and she is shoved into mama's arms and the man tells her to take the devil child and run, and so she does. she leaves the cushy protected life of being a maid in the estate and becomes a homeless woman on the streets, now burdened with a crying baby and no idea what to do

at some point she turns towards a life of prostitution, which at this I'm guessing is her only option. this life must be terrible compared to her work at her lord's estate. perhaps the stress turns her towards opioids, and she becomes an addict

maybe a messenger keeps in contact with her and makes regular deliveries of money to continue caring for the baby. the money amount could have even been generous, enough to keep them off the streets in a respectable town, but with mama's addiction we all know where the money truly went.

one day the money stops, and mama can't get her opioids anymore. theoretically she could have continued caring for Mizu, but she'd rather work full-time as a prostitute and continue acquiring drugs than care for a child that she never wanted, was never even trained to care for. in fact, this child has brought her life lower than ever before, so of course she'd leave her

the resentment has already built up when Mizu was a child, but it really ramps into full force when she finds Mizu again as an adult

we can see some first signs of jealousy when Mizu tells mama that she "should never do that again, I earn money, more than enough" and mama replies "how honorable you turned out to be." the implication here is that mama thinks Mizu is accusing prostitution of not being honorable. Mizu does not have to suffer woman's work in the way that mama has because Mizu has lived as a man, and was permitted to learn an artisanal trade to earn money with. this is a luxury that mama will never know, and builds on the resentment.

when mama finds Mizu a husband, to the audience it seems like Mizu is the one doing the favor for mama, but for mama, this is the least Mizu could do for her in return for all those years of debased service caring for her. at least with Mikio things could somewhat start looking like mama's old life again, protected in a household, not having to worry about when the next meal would come in, and most importantly, a steady stream of income for drugs

but then Mizu blocks mama's drug money, forcing mama to go out and work for her drugs again (more discussion on this part in the tiktok video tl;dr my theory is that mama never stopped smoking and was secretly going out to work for her drugs and just keeping it a secret). this return to a debasement that mama thought she was finished with really drives home the hatred she has developed for Mizu at this point

from mama's point of view, Mizu is an ungrateful brat that ruined her life, stole her best years from her, forced her into prostitution, and now just when she was starting to get some return for all those years of turmoil, Mizu snubs her again by forcing her back into prostitution

when Mikio comes home that day after the duel, clearly angry with Mizu and looking for ways to hit her back, this must have been a point of weakness for mama where she just couldn't help but divulge the secret of Mizu's bounty. all those years she has held back her resentment and hatred, with no thanks or appreciation for what she has given up for Mizu's wellbeing, must have come crashing down on her as she let the bitterness and resentment win at this exact moment

it's not right, but it does make sense. mama betrayed Mizu in the ultimate way, but she too was once a victim send post

[my-own-walker]

what difference does it make?

THIS GIF I JUST. BRRRRRRRR. MAKES MY PEA BRAIN GO BRRRR.

summary: ghost bf tate and y/n find comfort in each other in this fucked up world. (y/n doesn't know he's dead yet. violet doesn't exist, obv). this story is based loosely on the song 'what difference does it make?' by the smiths. felt fitting.

warnings: tate langdon x fem!reader, heavy angst, mentions of sh, murder, and harm.

+++

Tate's POV

The devil will find work for idle hands to do.

'I'm sorry I can't be who you need me to be. All I can do is be here,' I cried. Screwing my eyes shut and balling my fists, I began to sob.

I couldn't take it anymore. The women of this house. The things they required of me. I didn't want to be evil. I didn't want to do what I was doing. I was so confused. So lost.

I would be overcome by this feeling. This white-hot sensation would sear through my brain, stealing my vision and making my knees weak. The next thing I knew, I would be back where I started. Minutes, sometimes hours later. Tears in my eyes.

I stole and I lied, and why? Because you asked me to!

I would hear of the awful things I'd done through the voices around me. The other people that were trapped here would sing my praises for killing, murdering, stealing, whatever. Sometimes I would wake up from the fits in the middle of my horrible acts. Looking down and seeing pools of red and faces in agony. I didn't do this. I would think. But now I know it was me. It was all my fault.

Why me? Why do I have to ruin the lives of the people around me? I just want to be a good person. I'm only 17. A kid.

For we have been through hell and high tide / I can surely rely on you

She moved into the house. She was the only salvation I had. Her love for me proved to me that I wasn't a monster. I was more than just some pawn in this house's game. I wasn't on this Earth to simply cause harm.

I pretended to "accidentally" throw a ball through her window one day when her parents weren't home. She rushed over to the window and looked out at me, a look of shock and fright on her face. I looked up apologetically. My best puppy-dog-eyed performance.

'I'm sorry ma'am!' I quipped. My hand was resting above my eyes to shield the sun.

'Ma'am...?' she scoffed. 'Do I really look that old?' She rolled her eyes.

'Uh- no? You're just- I- I'm sorry. I'm Tate,' I replied looking down at my shoes. Bashful. Nice.

'Y/N.' she replied, crossing her arms sarcastically. 'You fucking broke my window.'

'I know...I-'

'This is a new house, my parents will kill me.'

'Oh my god, I had no idea,' I played dumb.

'Do you want your ball back at least?' she smirked, holding the perpetrator up demonstratively.

'Yes, please,' I said, thinking I blew it. That was the wrong 'in' I guessed. The wrong way to get her to love me.

'Then you'll have to come get it,' she smirked and walked away from the window.

Well, I'm still fond of you

From then on I was a regular fixture in her room. I helped her dad fix the window, just to show how nice of a guy I am.

She lived with her dad and stepmom. Her mother had died just a little less than a year ago, and the fat bastard was already remarried. Sick freak. I needed to protect her from him.

It was a car accident that took her. She tried merging off of the highway at the same time as another driver was trying to merge onto the highway. She side-swiped them and her car flipped. The driver's side was crushed.

'I could have been in the car with her that day,' Y/N later explained. 'She asked me to go get groceries with her and I said no, and then she died.'

My heart breaks for her, it really does.

She hurts herself, too. I watched her do it one time. She didn't know I was here. I cried as I watched her etch lines into her thighs, one at a time. She didn't wince, or cry. She just sat there, expressionless.

I tried to protect her from the people of the house. Its victims. She didn't deserve to be scared or feel the pain that they did. I kept them away from her.

Oh, my sacred one

It was three days after Y/N found her dad cheating on her stepmom. She was distant. I didn't feel like she'd want to see me. She made no attempts to contact me.

I was a sitting duck, unable to help her. In the days prior I watched her. Alone. Rotting in her room. Skipping school. Hurting herself. It was too much to bear.

On this particular day, though, I decided she needed me. As much as she was pushing me away she still needed me. And I needed her.

She didn't understand.

My conversation with Nora hadn't gone well. She was asking too much of me. Too much. And shortly after the feeling came again. I had another fit. I was overcome and powerless. The white-hot pain lit my brain on fire. And then I was standing alone in the basement again with blood on my hands. I began to sob. I needed Y/N.

I worshipped her. The softness of her cheeks. The way her hair cascaded and framed her face. The way she would cover her mouth when she smiled because she hated how it looked. The things she would wear. Her knit sweaters and black lace-up boots.

Everything she did was pure magic to me.

Her sense of humor. Her compassion. The way she feels things. So deeply. She feels with every ounce of her being. I wish I felt that, rather than utter fucking apathy all the time.

I gathered my courage and found myself in her room. She was asleep.

I made my way over to her bedside slowly, taking care not to wake her. I lowered myself onto the seat next to her and watched as the hair that covered her face moved with each breath she took. Her still form filled my stomach with butterflies and made my chest feel funny. She was so peaceful. For once, I didn't see pain on her face.

Tears sprang to my eyes yet again. How could a person be so perfect?

She must've sensed it because she stirred. Turning onto her back and stretching her arms out. Her eyes fluttered open, aimed at the ceiling. I could see it better, then. Her eyes. They were puffy and red. She'd been crying.

She turned her head slowly as she stretched again, inadvertently making herself face me. Her eyes widened, but she didn't jump. It was almost like she couldn't believe I was there.

'Tate?' she croaked.

'Hey, beautiful,' I replied, relieved that she wasn't immediately angry with my being there.

She cracked a small smile.

'I was worried about you so I came over. I hope I'm not bothering you...' I continued.

'No- no Tate not at all,' Y/N stammered, propping herself up slightly. 'I actually hoped you'd come. I didn't realize that after all this time I just...never got your number. I've been needing you but had no way to contact you. You've always just been...here, I don't know. I never thought to ask.' She laughed, sadly.

Shit. I thought. I need to figure that out somehow. Or come clean. Fuck.

'It's okay now, though. You're here. I haven't been able to cope at all,' she trailed off, looking out the window behind her headboard. 'What time is it even? I've been sleeping so much...'

'It doesn't matter,' I said, 'if you need rest, you should rest.'

'I'm so tired...'

'Me too, Y/N...me too,' I sighed. I didn't even realize I had started crying until Y/N shot up in her bed and crawled over to the edge to take my face in her hands. She wiped the tears from under my eyes with the pads of her thumbs. Then, she kissed my cheeks, kissing the rest of the tears away.

'Rough day, huh?' she asked.

'It's a goddamn filthy, fucked up world we live in, Y/N,' I managed. 'I've missed you.'

She motioned with her head for me to join her on the bed. She even turned up the covers slightly so I could crawl under, but I didn't. That would take too much time. I needed to be in her embrace immediately.

I laid on my side as she wrapped her arms around my chest. She laid her head atop mine softly and sighed.

'I'm so tired,' I uttered.

She simply stroked my hair.

'I love you, Tate,' she muttered after a while. Electricity shot through my body. I was for one, all-encompassing moment, alive again. She loved me. And I loved her.

Oh, I'm too tired / I'm so sick and tired / And I'm feeling very sick and ill today

+++

Okay, that's all, I guess. My brain won't allow me to write more for some reason. Let me know what you'd like more of and I'll do it. This has been fun so far.

[amphiptere-art]

So we can all agree that the Sun and Moon fandom is dying right?

There is a quiz at the end of the post.

Me myself and many others have left. Whether it is due to the rising toxicity of the show or the fans. At this point it is simply a creative backdrop. Something you take ideas off of instead of something that you enjoy and turn into a AU. And at this point if you have it as an AU. You feel as if you need to somehow say it's separated or is only based off of the good old days.

The fact that there is a difference between the good old days and what has happened is sad. I will admit I haven't been here forever. I wasn't here since the beginning. I wasn't watching the episodes upload as I watched. But I did do my best to watch every single lore post I can find. Anything that wasn't a standard gaming episode. So I can at least say that I tried to follow the story.

And to put it slightly the story has gone sour. Characters have stopped feeling right in their actions. Underlying messages have started to get toxic. Many bad guys have gotten so characterized that them being bad guys doesn't feel right. Are good characters no matter how developed they get either regress due to plot convenience. Or have died and basically reset the storyline.

The story seems stuck. There's some gems here and there but it seems like they can't figure out the next story action. And even if they do, it gets so much hate from the fandom that it struggles to continue. It feels like they continuously reset and reset to try and find a story that the fans will enjoy. It's not working unfortunately. There have been many retcons due to this. And there has also been many splits.

And this is not even mentioning the toxicity of the fandom itself at this point. That's basically split itself in two and the other will hate the other. This happened most obviously with the Moon X Solar argument. Where you either enjoy it or you don't enjoy it. It has caused a multiple splits because of differences in morals. It's just created a hostile environment between fans.

And I'm not making this post a point fingers at the whole argument. I've researched it and I know why some people believe it's okay. Whether it's because they believe solar never really wanted to be a part of the family. Or the simple understanding that by most laws, incest between adopted family members is okay. I understand that people have reasons to like it. It doesn't mean that these reasons are shared though. It doesn't mean that the moral implications of that relationship don't affect some people. And neither side is willing to come to a mutual agreement.

This is also not bringing up the fact that the whole villain versus hero argument is starting to become even more split. Sun, Moon, Lunar, Earth, Solar are both currently on the good side. While Eclipse, Blood Moon, and a couple others are still obviously on the bad guy side. But Eclipse and Blood moon have started to become more and more relatable. People can no longer look at those characters and just imagine the villainy part. Especially when the heroes decide to mock the suffering that they did to the villains in the first place.

That is my personal scare between the fandom right now. I can't look at eclipse and not deny that Moon's actions were the reason of it. I can't look at moon and justify years of abuse. Whether it was old moon or new moon at this point. I can't stand and justify treating blood moon as a villain has tested its limit. I can't deny that blood moons actions are more so based on need than actual want. And the creators forcing that idea backfired enough that they barely have him as a character anymore.

There is a split between people who want to support moon and sun with all their actions. There is a split between people who think solar should be considered a part of the family or not. There is a lack of storylines that don't have half of the community hating upon it. There is a lack of feeling an actual tug of conflict in the stories due to the villains being so understandable. There is a hostility between the fan base because of all of these.

I put out a poll a long time ago. Asking people why they basically watched the show anymore. The general consensus was they were just watching the show because they needed to. Because they felt obligated to follow the plot wherever it went. I feel like the fan base that is following the show for their own enjoyment is slowly disappearing. And this is not talking about the amount of people that have straight out left due to all the reasons above.

Whether it is the show's fault for not being able to supply the engaging store anymore that people can enjoy. Or it is the fandom for it's toxic split between the morals of adoption incest, or the feeling that the villain shouldn't be getting as much hate as they do. The show was currently dying on both sides honestly. And the only reason many are continuing to watch the show, is the hope that it will get better, and the need to supply their AUs off of it.

How many of your friends have left because of these reasons? How many of them have had the conundrum of feeling like they need to stay because leaving feels like a betrayal to others or themselves.

How many of us are only holding because of nostalgia?

It feels like nowadays people either choose to blindly follow due to an overall support or question constantly if they should. It feels as if artists that give the show their thumbnails now, are the only people that do stuff happily with it. A conspiracy part of my brain wants to say that's only because not supporting it would mean they wouldn't have there art publicly endorsed. But that's only conspiracy and no fact.

The show has lost its splendor. As of now it's really only a character backdrop to some. A list of events and ideas that you could pull and twist to fit something kinder or better. It's like as if we're using the Sun and Moon like Robin Hood. Stripping it down to the basics just so we can share our twist of the same tale. I have heard many times from people that AUs are more enjoyable right now than actual Canon. I myself have said for multiple stories that they do not follow past backup eclipses death. Which in my opinion is when the show really started to go downhill.

I'm going to ask this question again. Because I feel as if it is important for people who read this post to see it under a newer light.

I will note. If you reblog this post just to argue that it's not dying, That solar X moon isn't incest, that characters like eclipse and blood moon should be treated as the absolute villains they are, and seeking Sun and Moon are evil is dumb. I will not respond. To be honest I will not respond to many reblogs of this. I'm simply putting this information out earnestly as my opinion. I am not here to hate on the artists. I am not here to hate on your difference in opinion. I am not here to say that the show writers are dumb or money monsters. This is my opinion. And if you wish to fight it, then you are not willing to accept differencing opinion.

[coraniaid]

Enemies ends with Faith warning Buffy that if she kills her, she'll become her: "you ain't ready for that".

And sure enough, Buffy does go through a large part of the first half of the next episode convinced she's about to become something monstrous, a transformation which she's clearly not prepared for ("I'm scared Will. There's this thing in me and I can't find it. I can't stop it. What if it changes me? [...] All of a sudden I could be something that's not me anymore.")

Of course, Buffy isn't (explicitly) talking about Faith here, but (to paraphrase Xander a few episodes earlier), she is talking about her a lot. Telling Willow that "to the naked eye [kissing Faith] looked like fun", or telling Angel that Faith wasn't "so bad to have around" or that she was "hurting a lot" in a way that "some people, protective-type people" might have been drawn to, or (on a more metaphorical level), bringing up Iago's motivations for trying to destroy Othello (all of which, ranging from anger at being overlooked or sexual jealously or simply because he enjoys doing it, because he's "the dark half of Othello himself", clearly apply just as equally to why Faith has recently become Buffy's enemy.)

Of all the Season 3 episodes Faith isn't in, I think this is the one where her absence makes the most sense. Her arc this season wouldn't be as satisfying if we could read her mind and see her motivations. Just like Iago (at least according to Ms. Murray's dissertation), she's not really a person in her own right. She exists as a reflection of Buffy's own feelings, "but you never really see what's in someone's heart".

Though it wasn't the writers' concious intent, I do think you can view this season's central arc as the closest the show ever really gets to a love triangle: with Buffy forced to choose between dwelling in the comfortable past that Angel represents and the thrill of living only in the moment that Faith represents, and ultimately rejecting and accepting aspects of both so that she can move on into the future. And in this viewing, I think it's important that Angel and Faith are treated on an equal footing in this episode. Buffy doesn't get to use her newfound powers to read Angel's mind, and she doesn't get to read Faith's mind either. They are both blank slates: Angel representing who Buffy was before the events of last year, and Faith representing a possible demonic transformation (and note that the question of whether Slayers are demons or fully human will be pretty central to the next four seasons of the show).

The episode takes away Buffy's mind-reading powers almost as soon as she gets them, and while they give her a broader sense of empathy (or at least help to further develop an empathy she's been gaining since the show's first episode when she realized the difference between Cordelia being "nice" and being nice "to me, anyway") they don't help her resolve her confusion about her vampire boyfriend and "the whole bad girl thing" Faith has working for her.

But in just a few episodes' time, she's going to have to make a choice. And, coming back to her fears at the start, there's a risk that in doing so she'll become something that's not her anymore. When Xander tells Buffy in Graduation Day that he "doesn't want to lose her" before she goes to fight and possibly kill Faith, it's hard not to be reminded of what Buffy told Willow this episode. What if it changes her? What if, all of a sudden, she's not Buffy anymore?

[blazingblorbos]

oh god. oh god. oh.. oh gosh. I didn't expect this so soon. I didn't expect this today, I've been busy with life related things so the HYV calendar is really unbeknownst to me, is this update really next week already?? where can I rant about this- whERe can I rant about this-

oh. I made a blog for that exact purpose ! OKAY—!

fuck. fuck me, dude holy-

FUCK.

the slightly worried look on Arle's face as Snezhevna is reaching out her hand, only for her face to seemingly revert back to cold and neutral once the camera actually focuses in on her. Her tone is cold but her words are reassuring,,,,,,,,

ALSO GOD FUCKING DAMN IT. HOW GENTLY SHE HOLDS HER HAND.

the d o o r. the DOOR. THE FUCKING DOOR, CHAT. the slow opening at first, and once you can make out that it's certainly Arle's silhouette she shoves it fully open - both doors, both hands. incredibly attractive—. the FEAR in that man's eyes.

The crossed hands. We can't see her face but you know what expression she's making (it's not really an expression. it's neutral but you can feel it). THE FUCKING F E A R ON THAT MAN'S FACE.

Oh- she literally just grabbed him by the throat. Just like that- ! There's the expression. Oh, you feel it, alright. If you go frame by frame, you'll notice her eyes narrow in the slightest right before ->

POV: you're getting chocked out by Arlecchino, and that's actually the least of your worries. (my god she is beautiful).

I did not expect him to simply be thrown down to the ground and I ... d i d not expect her to step on his FACE. [insert gay masochistic joke here. you know the one]. Did not expect her to smile (this is the ONLY scene wherein we see her smile even slightly... huh...) *And the reason I say "I did not expect her to smile", is because with the momentum we were getting I thought she was straight up going to crush his throat, or stab him (hand, weapon or otherwise). It looked like she was digging the forefoot of her shoe into the guys head and not the... .. y'know deadly fucking heel, so that.. confused me. (and the sound when she supposedly stomped his head in did NOT sound all that impactful) but ANYWAYS I digress-

I'm of course assuming more happened after the cut to black because . madam where did you get that bloodstain on you—

BLOODSTAIN ON HER FACE!?!?!? (more on this in a second)

Freminet??? Freminet feature ! (not Lyney or Lynette.. interesting). :(((( the poor boy sounds so,, desensitized. His father

holy shit quick intermission. After the mental chronological fuckfest that was "The Song Burning in the Embers" I don't think I can look at Arle and the HotH the same anymore because she's.. she's like not even 10 years older than them (?) it's insane this doesn't make any sense- ANYWAYS.

HIS FATHER comes back with what we later see to be real blood on her face. Tells him "I've acquired new funds". We know what that means... HE knows what that means!!, and the way WE - THE AUDIENCE - know that Freminet knows what it means is because the boy replies "Oh.. Okay.."

LIKE-! chat omg this is truly just routine for them,,,, Like out of the 3 siblings, Freminet always gave off the biggest child assassin vibe, but wow. To see that routine and desensitized nature of the HotH's line of work just,, splayed out in a Character Trailer is . wow. and the look in his eyes as he says it is- wow.

YEAH UHH BLOODSTAIN ON HER FACE??/ The lighting in this scene now is evidently less saturated. And it's just- oh my FUCKING GOD it does so many things:

the blood on Arle's face looks... dry. it doesn't look as fresh as you may expect which could mean many things. It could mean she spent,,, hella long in there with that guy doing what needed to be done. It could mean she took care of something else immediately after dealing with that guy (perhaps smth related to the children Snezhevna wanted to save). But regardless, it means she didn't put in the effort to clean her face and hide what happened. OBVIOUSLY !!! that is so . obviously her style but to S E E IT IN MY GENSHIN IMPACT CHARACTER TRAILER it's- oh my god

it serves to highlight the really, truly, bleak nature of the scene now that we know plain and simple Arlecchino just killed a man. There's no subtext, there's no reading between the lines. The only thing that didn't happen is that we didn't see contact nor see a body. But, no sugarcoating, Arlecchino killed a man. No one is hiding it. You are not surprised. No one should be but damn.

and ofc it acts as a representation of Snezhevna dying...

because it seems like the saturation is back once the camera switches to looking at Snezhevna laying in bed.

And is it me, or does it look like Arle's allowing herself to actually display a tinge of worry in her expression this time? And also, EVER so slightly in her tone as well. You can feel it, it's gentler.

"Once I'm better I'll start my next mission.."

THIS. THIS!! IN SO MANY WAYS THIS!

OKAY. so bear with me. I haven't actually read any of the sibling's character stories yet, so there could be a LOT of info I'm missing but:

There's still a pretty thought-provoking conversation going on (in MY mind, at least) about just how intensely these children are being trained to be soldiers for the Fatui. They're obviously in an environment that indoctrinates them into being soldiers of SOME kind, but I still don't know what kind of soldier that's supposed to be. Are they all ALWAYS extensions of the Fatui? Or are they more-so extensions of Arlecchino specifically..? Snezhevna was obviously trying to help those children she came across, and I'm assuming that happened on her latest mission, so was the mission for a charitable cause?? What was her next mission supposed to be?? Same line of work? Saving people? Or would it switch up and was she going to be sent to "take care of" (kill .) someone???

So I don't know whether to interpret that line as a hint of them being overworked and 1) feeling like they need to continue their work out of pure fear that they'll be deemed ineffective and useless... or 2) feeling like they need to continue their work out of a sense of loyalty and duty to the place that took them in and raised them. Or both..

and ofc the funeral scene. I can't say much more than what's already shown right on the screen.

and am I bugging? Or is the location of the grave....

[kunekojo]

Hello there honeyy. Hope you have a nice start of the week. I would like to leave a request for Shunsui Kyoraku and Kenpachi Zaraki (my daddies) x fem s/o. How would they react, feel or act if their s/o had temporary amnesia because of a fight they had? Maybe he/she doesn't remember them.

You know, we need angst in this life. This can happen in the Thousand Year Blood War timeline. Thank you very much 🤍

AHHH HELLOO sweet anon! Thank you, my week started a little busy but it's slowly getting empty. I truly hope your week is going fine!! I'm so glad you're the first to request angst bc tbh, I'm down bad for it. Please, enjoy! P.S. i may have slipped some fluff inside but I blame my angst playlist for it

Kyoraku Shunsui and Zaraki Kenpachi reacting to their s/o with temporary amnesia

warning: TYBW spoilers, angst

Kyoraku Shunsui

After the fight, Shunsui goes searching for you right away despite his own injuries, but when he finds you laid down, he's quick to notice that you're unconscious. His heart sinks as he frantically reaches to hold you in his arms and all he can think is "Why wasn't I here to protect you?". A wave of guilt surges through him as he rushes to take you back to safety, where you can get healed

But as you're getting healed, you simply don't wake up. He's stuck watching you with a blank expression drawn all over his face as his hand reaches for yours but the lack of motion is simply terrible. How did it come to this?

He's so angry with himself and everyone might try to console him by telling him it's not his fault, but still, he can't help but blame himself.

It takes you a little to come back to reality, maybe a few days, but dear god those days were the longest for him. During your silent recovery, he stayed with you almost always. No one was able to take him away from you, not even Nanao who simply felt the anguish on his face despite him trying to mask it.

There was just a need to guard you that filled him, even if there was no threat anymore. He simply couldn't go a moment without making sure nothing happens until you woke up.

And soon enough, after 3 days of being immobilized, you open your eyes right as he's napping soundly next to you. He feels the vibrations of your movement and jolts, happier than ever to see you. He doesn't say much but places his hand on your face to run soft caresses along your cheek, but the way you simply stare at him cluelessly is a bad sign.

"My dearest love, what's wrong?" "W-who are you?"

GOD the way you mouthed those words slashed him worse than the blade of the enemy, they were sharp enough to tear through his heart and leave him frozen in place.

"What do you mean? It's me, Shu." you can see the pained expression on his face and the way his furrowed brows tremble. He can't grasp the situation, or more like he refuses to, but when someone else comes in and breaks the ice by telling him you seem to suffer from amnesia, he takes your hand

Truthfully, he's so hurt once his fears are confirmed, not only because his lover doesn't remember him anymore, but also because he can't imagine how you must feel.

"There's a chance they will regain their memories?" "And how would that happen?" "We just have to wait."

Those words aren't helpful enough for him but he'll patiently wait for you to get your memories back, no matter how much time it takes.

From then on, he takes you in his care. He begins telling you about yourself, in the hope that'll awaken you but it doesn't work. He'll go ahead and answer any of your curiosities, no matter how stupid they might sound. He's so patient with you and cherishes the simple fact you're still alive, but seeing you so clueless about everything, things you usually enjoy, things you've always dreamed of, it saddens him so much.

He's turned so careful of you that now he won't leave your side. Say even one tiny ouch and he'll be there, ready as if you're being attacked.

Then at some point, you ask him about himself. You ask how you two met and what's the relationship between the two of you and his expression changes drastically.

"It's hard to believe, but you just happen to be my one and only true love." it's the way he words his explanation so softly that you don't brush it away.

"Isn't it painful... to have me around? Wouldn't it be better to stay away from me for no-" "No, not at all. I want to fall in love with you again and again, until the end. "

Somehow, that makes you fall for him, despite already being together.

By the following days, you find yourself doing a couple of things together, he's taught you quite a lot and that fact alone is worrying to many, especially Nanao.

Zaraki Kenpachi

Right after the battle is done, Kenpachi searches for you. He just wants to feel your touch, hear how you've handled your fight, and tell you how his own were. However, while looking for you, someone else's voice calling for him snatches his focus and he can't ignore them once they say "It's Y/N, it's bad."

As soon as he hears something happened to you he darts to your location, aggressively asking what happened. Yet, when he sees you all laid down unconscious he's stunned, he thought you were safe.

He gently grabs you from the ground, so firmly as not to cause any more damage and his voice is heavy with anger and upsetness.

"What the hell happened." "They seem to be unconscious." "For how long?" "We don't know"

Hearing that kills him, but he can't help not staying close to you until everyone gathers. He can't accept things ending like this, you have to get better so he can hear your voice again. That drives him to train more so he can handle enemies much better, just to be able to help you from now on. After every single training, he'll come to stay by your side until you wake up (which thankfully doesn't take you long)

But there's something odd about the way you're eyeing him as if he's some stranger. He drags his palm close to your face and when you just stare at it rather worriedly he can tell there is something bad.

"Y/N" "Huh? Where am I?" "You're safe, don't you know who I am?" "No..."

Although he seems really calm, inside he's burning with frustration. Frustration over what happened, frustration over how this could've been prevented, and frustration with himself. But he can't dwell on these, he has to act.

Truthfully, these are new emotions he's experiencing, the grief of your loved one not remembering him is something he can hardly take. He has to go and train every night just to keep himself distracted but during every spare moment, he'll be right with you, silently guarding over you and helping you.

Kenpachi thinks he can only deal with his feelings by destroying target dummies to the point they're is nothing left of them. But baby boy, it might help with his pent-up anger but it doesn't sway away the anguish in his soul.

Yet your smile helps him a little and gives him hope you might return back one day, whenever you're ready.

Someone from the healing department insists he can go rest and that's the point he just lashes at them, screaming and all because this has been really hard on him. But despite this, he's still so soft and patient with you, even going to lengths to teach you everything you can't remember.

You may not hold those past memories anymore, but he still does and that won't make him draw back from you. His behavior helps you feel somewhat familiar with him, it brings a scent of nostalgia so you just stick along, especially since he's the first face you've seen when you awoke.

The day you're good to go comes and given the fact he's spent so much time with you, you instinctively follow his lead. Kenpachi takes you to his place and during the following days, you'll hear only stories of your fights and how triumphant you looked and were.

He's doing all these in the hopes you might remember but also as a way to hold your old self fresh in mind because he misses you so much. Sure you're there, but it feels like you're not really there and that feeling alone is tormenting.

"Were we something more before?" "Yes" "Oh, I'm sorry." "Don't be"

You can literally smell the whiff of sadness in his voice so you place your hand on his arm to comfort him which works more than you anticipated. A little carried away, he places his head on your shoulder and hums, he's longed to do this so much.

[plushietoon]

How about 4?

(Because of the reblog)

Hope everything's fine! ✌️

WarioWare Fan Ask Game!

4. Do you have any personal headcanons or interpretations of the characters? (In relation to design, hobbies, connections to other characters, etc)

Tagging @freakattack since they asked about this too. But I will squeeze in more headcanons in that post >:3 (please do not worry I will indulge in stuff here too)

I've been obsessed with this series since 2018, so I have like, about 6 years of headcanons. This does not include me goofing off with the Thangs in my youth, though I love them dearly. ...it's just that this love is overshadowed by ninjas.

Here's a chunk of headcanons:

Orbulon is squishy and very capable of transformation. I'm stealing the idea from @the-ren-amamiya that he cannot change his eyes when transforming into other beings so he still just wears his shades. He fluctuates between both lanky and chubby depending on his mood, but I like thinking of a middle ground between the two...like give him his boots back, please...

Him, Red, and Ana have gotten into transformation antics because we cannot forget that Red is both Ashley's wand and broom. It is very hard to beat those three when they are hiders in hide and seek. I like @scarlett-v-the-fox's idea that Red's transformations must contain the color red somewhere on him. So between that and Orbulon's eyes, only Ana can do a perfect 1 to 1 transformation when she feels like it.

In speaking of Ana, she's a bit like Ash's Pikachu because she likes contorting herself to partially resemble others to emphasize who's she's (or Kat are) talking about. That or she has a non verbal episode...she has quite a few moments where she doesn't want to talk, or simply can't. Yes I am a bit of a believer she has some neurodivergence, because I am in that boat of being neurodivergent and she has the vibes™.

Shadow was specifically bred to be a dog that's an expert in ninjutsu. Most doggos can't quite just turn into a sword. So in a sense, he's an inheritance from the ninja parents...or clan. Honestly I should pull up my notes on how...distant the parents are...if I can find them.

If you know me, you know I am very fixated on the idea that Ana and Lulu end up as besties. Ana still loves Kat. It's just that on the few occasions where Kat isn't around, there was a time Ana latched onto Lulu 'cause next best thing...that and they both love wearing dresses and eating. Ana cannot talk Kat into the whole frilly dress up time. It may not make full sense in most's lores and maybe even canon, but the one I developed with a close friend has those two also be supportive of one another in developing a sense of self. ...I really need to finish that fic where as (pre?) teens where pageant violence happens. ...It's not exactly as exciting as it sounds, but let's just say Ana defended Lulu who was being harassed by others for not being conventionally pretty.

I used to believe that the Thangs literally lived in Club Sugar. It's a tall building, and I tried to recreate that in the Sims 4. That isn't true anymore but Mr. Sugar still has to deal with the Thangs on a 20/7 basis. Also Mr. Sugar has a instagram for his kitty Bochi.

Miyakiyo has a YouTube Channel featuring her dog Jack, the doggo in the "Shake!" microgame from the first game. It's very much like like Maya the Polar Bear, and it's quite popular. She took advantage of the fact that WarioWare featured Jack in a microgame, especially because Wario ain't paying the royalties to feature that doggo. Of course, the twins are still good friends with Miyakiyo and Jack. I just haven't quite decided Miyakiyo's age.

Bridget and Sal Out are rivals...but are much friendlier to each other compared to how Vanessa treats them and Mona.

The doctor from "Listen to the Doctor" has 2 offices, with the one at Caresaway Isle as his vacation workplace. The nurse he works with tends to the one in Diamond City when he's away to that island. Yes he is absolutely the primary care doctor to all of the WarioWare cast.

I have a lot but I'll share more in other posts. Again, got 6 years of being fixated on this series. Feel free to ask for any specifics and what not!

[sleepygamerotaku]

~|Your Hoodie...|~{Part One}

Paring:

Scaramouche X Reader

Prompt:

none

Content Warnings:

angst, cuss words, violence(?), crying, mental breakdown(s), implied established relationship, tue story is written in a first person POV, lmk if i missed anything

Reader pronouns:

not specified (read in first person)

Authors note:

I have been working on this since July 25th of this year... i Have gotten nowhere close to finishing it so i decided to break it up into chapters. this is Chapter one of a -however many parts it takes me to finish this shit- part story. This was inspired by the song Hoodie by Hey Violet! i have cried FAT crocodile tears whenever i would try writinrg onto this so there's that i suppose... Whenever i finish them i will post the next chapters here! might do Scara's POV later on but idk-

❈~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~❈

"You dumbass..." He hissed. Scaramouche always said that me... But he always said it a lighter, semi-playful tone. He never truly meant it. But this time... It was mean. He said it with genuine anger, evidently clear in his voice. The same voice that always teased me... The same voice that lulled me back to sleep whenever i had a nightmare... The same exact voice that gave me butterflies.

The same exact voice I used to love, now filled with hatred and anger. I know he had a short temper. I accepted that the day we met. "You never shut up... And you don't listen either..." He heaved at me again, the tone of his voice was still angry... Because he wasn't just angry... He was infuriated. Infuriated at me. I felt the tears as they stung the corner of my eyes. I didn't bother wiping them away as they rolled down my cheeks.

I've witnessed him snap before. But he's never snapped at me... "I'm... Just... FUCKING DONE WITH YOU!"

He quickly turned around and punched the wall. I thought he going to punch me, so instinctively i flinch, a small squeak escaping my lips as well. I gulp and with all my strength i muster his name. "S-scara-" He simply growled in response, cutting me off. "I CAN'T DEAL WITH YOU ANYMORE!!"

......... And just like that... He stormed out of the door without another word.

I held my hands close to my chest and i let myself fall to the floor. I begin to sob uncontrollably while i clutch onto my shirt and let the crocodile tears fall, and fall, and fall. I continue to cry and screaming in the middle of the living room floor.

I guess he just doesn't love me anymore... I annoyed him too much... I knew i was just a burden to him... Did he even love me to begin with..? Did he mean it when he said he loved me..? Did he mean it when he said he trusted me..? Did he simply take pity on me so he didn't have to see me being pathetic..?

The negative thoughts flowed as quick as my tears and i didn't know what to do... So i kept sobbing. I kept sobbing until it hurt my cheeks. I wiped away the tears and sat there trying to calm down and fully comprehend whatever just happened...

After i calmed down i stood up and glanced at the digital clock on the coffee table. It read [ 1 : 17 AM] usually me and Scara would be asleep in our shared bedroom by now... but he stormed out of the apartment so he wasn't there anymore.

The bed never felt so empty before... I got comfortable underneath the covers but i couldn't fall asleep for awhile... I was too worried about Scaramouche... Was he okay? Where is he going to sleep tonight? Is he even going to be home by tomorrow? He said he couldn't deal with me anymore so i wondered if he would come back. Slowly, drowsiness began to consume me before i finally fell into a slumber...

(~Time-skip~)

I feel my eyes flutter open and the light of the sun seeped through the windows of the bedroom. Last night was playing on repeat in my mind. It's all i can think about.

"You never shut up... And you don't listen either... I'm... Just... FUCKING DONE WITH YOU!"

I thought of Scaramouche's irritated voice and cruel words that he directed at me. I didn't even realize i was crying and hugging his pillow until my tears fell on my hand. There really isn't a reason for me to still be upset over all of this.

I slide out of bed and stand up. I don't move i just stand at the side of my bed. No thoughts filled my mind i simply stood there. My eyes slowly wandered around the room before setting on my closet door.

I heaved a heavy breathe and started walking. I might as well change out of the clothes i was wearing now. I don't have anything better to do anyways. Scara isn't here anymore and i don't even know if he will come back. He probably hates me now...

I slide open the closet door and look at all the clothes i have. but there was another half of clothes that weren't mine.

inside the closet was Scaramouche's hoodie that he always wore. he would wear it all day and put it away before bed... he must be so cold without it...

I reach out my hand and rub the arm of the soft hoodie before taking it off it's hanger and putting it to my nose. it still smells like his cologne...

"GODDAMNIT-!!"

i let myself fall to the floor and cry even more. It felt like i was drowning. His scent filled all of senses and left me numb, just as he did before he left.

After some minutes of crying i sit up. My phone was still lying on the nightstand so i rise to my feet and slip his hoodie on. After walking towards my phone and click Scara's contact photo, which was one of the times i ever made him laugh... He was smiling so warmly.... i was the only one he ever smiled at like that... with such genuine love and happiness...

i start typing ; Scara are you alright??? Are you still mad at me? ; and click send. i pull his hoodie to my nose again... i miss him so much. i feel tears begin to well in my eyes as i start chewing on the hoodie strings. i glance back to my phone screen... He left me on read... i pick my phone back up and lie down with it over my face.

i call him and put the speaker to me ear. it rang... and rang... then beeped. he didn't answer me... of course he would still be mad at me. why wouldn't he be. i screwed up bad. I don't blame him. i try to call again but he didn't answer this time either... why is the world so cruel like this?

Why did he hate me so much? Why did he leave? what if he never comes back? what if he completely resents me and has been faking it from the start? what if- *bing!*

💜Scara💜

I'm Sorry.

I'm coming back. Wait for me inside.

[kaaras-adaar]

// So, real talk for a little while under the cut.

I have been keeping this away from the dash for a long time. As you guys have no doubt noticed, my activity here has been... not very great compared to what it used to be. Unfortunately, I've been dealing with a lot of depression. I thought that I could escape it simply by ACKNOWLEDGING that it existed (I'm no stranger to depression, I suffered it for around 5 years or so previously in my life, and they happened to be the hardest times of my life). I kept thinking that so long as i kept telling myself "ugh it's just the depression, go away" that it would just... up and leave.

Unfortunately, I was wrong. Now, I have my good days, and I have my bad. The last few weeks have been bad. I think about driving into traffic on the opposite side of the road on my way to work. I think about walking into traffic when I'm by the road. Basically, I've been suicidal. There's literally nothing anyone can do about it, and that's okay, it is NO ONE else's responsibility but my own. I learned to conquer my depression the last time, so I know I can do it again, but it does mean I am often left in no mood to write or I simply just feel upset for no reason at all and I withdraw. I've lost so much passion in the things I love doing (writing, art, reading, video games). BUT I have also been having days where it's all I want to do, and those are my really good days.

I have taken a week off work next week (and I'm finished for this week), because I'm in desperate need of a reset and to be away from the toxic vibes of my workplace. Between dealing with stupid people every day, a busy clinic that has me on my feet nonstop, and a very negative workspace between coworkers who don't do anything anymore and putting the pressure on the ones that do, it's bad. I need a break before I blow up and tell them all where they can shove it (the consequences of that are too great tho, and with today's cost of living, I NEED a job and to KEEP it). I had actually put in for a transfer, but I didn't get it, and that really cut me deep, because it felt like all my hope had been taken from me and I'm now stuck in this environment I can't escape. Being on the spectrum and having a deep moral core has made this very hard for me as well. Some people think it's easy to just go "Just leave or say something" unfortunately, that's not the way I operate, and it's not as easy as it sounds when your brain is wired differently. I need this job, I need the money. I can't afford to quit, I have a mortgage to pay.

So, I just wanted to have that talk. Things aren't great, and I've distanced myself from many things and many people. But I am certainly trying, and like I said, I DO have my good days, and I'm learning to just... accept shit for what it is and move on. But coming out of that darkness can be really hard at times. I am hoping this break from work can help me get back on my feet and simply recharge my battery. I've not had a break since last year at Christmas, so I'm in desperate need of it.

I will definitely be around the next week and soaking up my hobbies and enjoying them while I can. It's just hard to tell when I'll have a super high and then a super low, and it's frustrating trying to get back to a comfortable balance. If you made it this far, thank you for reading <3

[llycaons]

came to the conclusion as I have several times before that I am simply not cut out for my job. I am bad at it, slow and a poor communicator and passive and easily overwhelmed. they said it would take about a year (from hiring? or from being on my own? either way) but whatever makes people slip into the flow and anticipate needs and Know The Supplies, maybe I would have gotten it had I gotten the normal training. maybe I wouldn't have. its easy to say 'oh I'm struggling because I'm in a unique situation' and maybe that's true, but I had trouble long before we got the Unique Training part, and then since the training was so different I had trouble with that, to the exasperation of my trainers and co-workers. and it really didn't feel good every day to know you're not living up the expectations and standards of the people around you, to know without a doubt they're all smarter and more adaptable and quicker-thinking than you.

I'm doing okay now since I'm one of the very few people on my unit and they desperately need me, and leadership is covering for my inadequacies by sending me to do easy stuff when I need to get floated, but like...there are team members who are extremely hostile to me and its for good reason! and it makes it worse to know THEY'RE not the ones in the wrong. maybe they could be nicer, but if I truly had confidence in myself, it wouldn't bother me so much.

but I don't know what to do. there is no other job I can do with these qualifications and skills, and no way to leave this city until late next year. and I need this income. I'm going to limp along until I can safely extract myself, but until then, we'll all have to bear it. and it's a terrible thing, to know you're a burden on your team and that you're only here because everyone else has quit. if I thought I would ever actually put someone in danger, I'd of course leave immediately. but I'm doing relatively straightforward cases with very qualified people all around me, and I know the basics to keep people safe at least

I find myself thinking about my strongest critic, who quit a few months ago, and how much my failure to adapt may have led to that decision. maybe it's self-centered; there were many issues far before I came along. and they haven't spoken to even their closest friend here in months, so I think they probably resent this place a lot and want to leave it all behind, and I don't blame them

things have gotten so much better recently because of those staff members quitting and my manager waking up to realize she has to actually support us, and I don't dread going to work anymore, even to float. tho we haven't been canceled in ages 😔 I don't know, I think the true issue is that I just need more predictability and stability in the things I do on a day to day basis. I learn slowly, and I have trouble remembering things. ideally I would find a job where we do a limited type of low-acuity cases every day but still....pays as well? I don't know, I don't know. give this another year then I'm sure everyone will be happy to see my back.

it's difficult to see yourself as incompetent, disliked, and unwanted in your job, and not have that bleed over into your personal feelings about yourself. it's really hard. I think of my failures and the anger, contempt, and aggression that came to me as a result, and it really makes me nervous. we're doing cases in another part of the hospital soon, with different people. it was such a mess last time! why was I so overwhelmed?

it's frustrating. I know I can do some of these cases - even difficult ones like livers and kidneys- and do them perfectly competently. I'm fine in any belly case. I even enjoyed neuro. I just freeze up when I don't have confidence. I don't know what to do all the time! and I need to be in a situation where I do. I don't know how much work I can even do on my end to Not Be Like This. studying didn't seem to help, and I can't study from the internet anyway since every place does things differently.

I've always thought I'd either leave here and then go back home, or stay exactly in place, but I could still stay a year and then just get another job in the same place.

I've always wanted to get higher certification, but knowing the people around me are way more competent without having that, it feels like a joke. a slap in the face. I dont have anything neat to wrap this up with it's just. I've always been so good at school and so proud of that even when I don't have much else to lean on. so this feels really bad. I should contact my EAP counselor today