#actually thinking through and articulating shit helped though

[san8ny]

can you pls write nerdy ellie? it can be sfw or nsfw

HOT! HOT!

?: Ellie is alot of things: She’s well articulated, She’s liked around campus, but for the life of her, she cannot get laid. It’s gotten pretty embarrassing, maybe you can help? - NSFW - Excuse me for any spell checks!

!: My mutuals have really yummy fics about nerd!Ellie so please let me know if you’d like any recommendations. - Thank you for your anon, means sm to me baby

You stare at her with an incredulous expression, the sight alone being one of pure unbridled shock upon this new-found discovery.

“Never?”

“Never.”

She reaffirms after you, running a nervous hand through her auburn tresses to ease the silent tension in the air. Ellie Williams, all around “good at fucking anything,” is a virgin. The thought alone was something that poked curiosity and incredulity. You knew she was quite kept to herself, often times busying with books and videogames, but this was something you didn’t expect. I mean, she was with Dina at one point.

You don’t want to make her make her more uncomfortable than the topic is, so you give her some form of comfort; “It’s quite normal, honestly, I don’t even blame you in this society.”

That earns you a laugh and a slight snort from her, throwing her head slightly back. “Yeah?”

You return a chuckle, shrugging, “Yeah, but you’ve atleast kissed before, right?

She immediately quiets down, olive-toned cheeks flushing with a light wash of embarrassment.

Holy fuck.

If you weren’t shocked before, you were gawking now.

“D-don’t look at me like that, man..” She groans, tossing her glasses onto the coffee table as she buries her face in a nearby decorative throw-pillow. “No, no— I don’t mean in a bad way, just surprised.”

“Surprised?” She murmurs softly, staring at the dim dorm lightbulb that hangs above them, “That’s a first. Dina usually calls me forcibly celibate.”

You want to curse yourself at the noise you let out, eyes watering as you slap your mouth with a cupped palm. Ellie side-eyes you with a scoff as she gets up from her seat, “Yeah, Yeah, Alright—“

“I’ll be serious! I promise.” You call out, reaching for her wrist to sit her back down, to which she does.

“Have you ever, like, considered it, though?”

Her interest piques at this turn, reaching for her glasses back, “What? Having sex?”

Well, duh.

Ellie hums, thinking about it for a second, “I wouldn’t be opposed to it..” She trails off, wiping her lenses with the corner of her graphic-tee, before putting them on. “Only to someone I really like.”

“Aw, that’s actually really sweet, I actually had a friend once who—

“Which is why I want you to fuck me.” She bluntly puts, staring at you four-eyed.

. . .

“Come again?” You cock your head out, “You want me to..?”

She inches forward, nodding like a bobblehead, “Yeah! It makes sense. You’re my friend, and I like you, so it’ll work.” You sigh, shaking your head, “Ells, it doesn’t work like that. What if you regret it?”

“So you’d agree to it if I don’t regret it?” She smiles, tone a bit ecstatic as she sees you entertain the idea.

She really was putting you on the spot, huh?

You stare at her for a bit, studying her face. She seemed enthusiastic about getting the opportunity to even lay hands on your soft skin. Saying you were pretty was an understatement, you were the epitome of wet-dreams; She was head over heels pretty much in-love with you, and the idea of even losing such a prize position like her virginity to you symbolized things she could only dream about.

You roll your eyes as you both kneel on her mattress, her fiddling with your bra like it’s the most complicated thing. “This shit is a death machine, holy smokes.”

Holy smokes?

When she finally succeeds, she’s jittery and giggling to herself, scooting back into the pillows to get a good look at your beautiful breasts. “They’re so fucking hot, ohmygod..” Next thing you know, she’s cupping them softly, kneading the fleshy dough in circular motions, gaze fixed on the way your back arches ever so slightly, eyes fluttering. So she is doing something, right?

She leans her head down, giving your perked areolas experimental licks, opting to suckle them when you give her the green. Your hand finds itself buried in her hair, massaging her tender scalp while she works her tongue on your sensitive buds, closing her own eyes at the pure idea she might be making you feel good.

After a while, you pull her off your tits, pushing her down onto the sheets as she looks at you confused. Poor baby doesn’t understand sex is transactional because she’s too busy giving you her all. You smile softly, leaning over her, legs on each side of her torso as you give her a kiss on the lips, the brief ‘smooch’ sound music to her ears as she opens her heavy lidded eyes back again; they’re filled with neediness, a surge of wanting to be touched more.

By the time you’ve readied her for the real thing, littering her body in soft bruising marks, her voice slightly higher pitched with each ‘uhn!’ she lets out, brows scrunched together and lips slightly ajar, coated in a sheen of saliva from how you kiss her with reassurance you’ll take care of her— she’s telling you with pants, no, begging— “P-please, baby? ‘Can’t take it anymore..”

She means her bottoms, fabric cruely soaked and covered in her own arousal from all the attention you’ve been giving her; Ellie feels lightheaded, tears brimming her crinkled eyes when you thumb her through her boxers. However, words cannot explain the feeling that rushes through her when you lean down and lick a fat strip through the cloth, eyes locked on hers. She hiccups a gasp, shuddering as the cold air hits her mound when you pull the elastic band from the side.

“I wanted to eat it through it, but I think you’re a bit impatient for that, so i’ll cut to what you want.” You whisper, warm breath fanning over her sensitive pussy. By the time you dig in, she’s whining at volumes you literally need to reach up her torso and cover her mouth.

“Uhn! Uhn—! F-fuck—?”

What sorcery did you have on her? Genuinely? She can’t believe she’s been withholding herself from such pleasure, your tongue trudging through her gummy folds making her want to die and come back again. She can barely even think straight, letting out muffled wails against your hand, saliva seeping through and rolling down your wrist in dribbles. You’d be disgusted, but the sight alone boosts your ego, you had her whipped.

Was it mentioned she’s already orgasmed before you even went near her cunt? That’s right, she already came once while you two were kissing. You definitely knew she’d atleast finish early, but damn were you surprised when she shook against you, humming against your lips rhythmatically.

“Am I making you feel good, baby? Can you talk f’me?”

She could barely hear you, and here you were, asking damn questions. Nonetheless, she gives you a small huff in response; alluding that she was somewhat conscious.

Once you deliver her to cum, she’s shivering against the sheets, balling her fists up as you rip both a cry, and orgasm out of her. “A-Ahnnnn..?!.”

Rest of the night, you two went at it like animals; Ellie insisting you teach her everything there was to know about sex in a singular sitting— ..fucking? To say you both tired eachother out would be an underemphasis.

You ruined her.

When you both seemingly knock out, well, atleast you, she slowly sits up, biting her bottom lip in anticipation as she gazes around your naked body, you were gonna sleep over..

She seems more excited at the prospect you’ll stay the night than the fact you two have been literally keeping the entire female dormitory quarters up— likely going to be hit with a personal visit by the RA.

Who cares, not Ellie for sure. She’ll happily flaunt the fact she’s (finally) got some, just to show off.

God, was she a geek.

[sparklepirate]

Alright, final thoughts on Inheritance.

;-;

Eragon continues to be the guy of all time. I love him. He really displayed a maturity in this book that I think supersedes anything we've seen of him in all the previous books, and just like... His strength really is that he is compassionate and thoughtful towards everyone. Even Murtagh, now, too. He had the realization of how close he was to sharing his fate, sought to understand him, and that was ultimately what led him to realizing his true name had changed, tearing down Galbatorix's wards, etc etc. I don't know that I could properly articulate everything about him here, but Eragon definitely became the hero he needed to be by the end of the series, 100%. He is the only person who could've possibly thought of the final piece of magic to defeat Galbatorix. Even the dreams of starlings are equal to the worries of a king. Ahhh, it's so good. ❤️ I'm so proud of him.

On the other hand, Barst was some bullshit. Bro. Like, on the one hand, it was a very good climactic battle for Roran to participate in, and his triumph was the perfect culmination of his character- cunning in battle, cunning in strategy, the intelligence and charisma to sway everyone around him into cooperating and working together, sheer determination so intensely strong that he was able to crush and Eldunarí with his bare hands. His role was perfect! But Barst as a villain was kinda... Well, first of all, he came completely the fuck out of nowhere. He wasn't mentioned at all until they were already on their way to Uru'baen, and then he was only MENTIONED. They didn't hype him up enough before the actual battle in my opinion. And ONE human and one Eldunarí being enough to beat the QUEEN OF THE ELVES in hand to hand combat...? I mean, I guess that could work but... Ehhh... I dunno. It kind of felt like an excuse for Islanzadí to die, and Roran to triumph more than anything. It was cool, but it was probably the weakest part of the plot in my opinion.

That said though I think it's pretty safe to say this was my favorite book of the series. I'm having trouble recalling all the iconic shit (I took a pretty long break from reading about halfway through the book) but there was soooo much cool stuff in here. The Nasuada being kidnapped and being helped by Murtagh arc is GOLD, Vroengard was amazing, and all the battles were SO well written??? I need to study these books more closely just to learn how to write compelling fight scenes. Honestly, it's gripping stuff. I was on the edge of my seat, despite knowing how everything turns out.

Nasuada is amazing, Arya is amazing, Saphira is amazing, Roran is amazing, MURTAGH is amazing... I think I already liked basically every character in this series going in, but I somehow like them even more now that I've read it again. Everyone is so good, and interesting, and I want to be everyone's friend. I think the only character I liked less this go around was Orrin (sorry to my Orrin stan friend out there). That said, though, I don't dislike him, I think I just went from positive to neutral about him.

Orrin honestly just didn't get nearly as much screen time as I remembered? We only see him a handful of times throughout the book and each time the only thing he's doing is getting drunk and making an ass of himself, though... Idk, he also has a point? He has his own unique point of view, and his own unique experiences that lead him to his own ideas of how to conduct things, and it is definitely kind of true that like no one ever really listens to him or takes him seriously, despite being the King of Surda for w while at that point. I don't think there was a more graceful solution to the division of power/territory after Galbatorix was killed than what was decided upon, because like... Realistically, Orrin was never gonna be high king. He had good reason to assert for the throne, sure, but actually ascending to the throne? That is SUCH a far reach for power, unless the aim was to assimilate Surda in and have all of the humans under one crown. Nah, Nasuada giving up territory and ascending to the throne was the better choice, even if I do empathize with Orrin's point of view. It seems like Nasuada did as well, because even though she was persistent, she seemed to be gentle and sympathetic with him. He even had his line about like... "Why do you even want to do this?" "None of you would understand." Idk. Very interesting, but not tremendously notable compared to others, and he definitely was a bit of an asshole at times.

Murtagh my beloved my BELOVED I'm honestly just gonna make a whole separate essay post about him because his shit is Complicated™️ but one little note it was such a small detail at the end but I love that he said to Eragon "Hey check in on Arya about killing Shruikan. It couldn't have been easy for an elf to kill a dragon." And Eragon hadn't even THOUGHT of that and Arya probably would've been the last thing on his mind but he still was just so thoughtful. He is thoughtful like his brother and he cares so deeply and AHHH!!! And actually I want to see him and Arya be buds. I think they would have a cool dynamic. And also I love that he never once hesitated to acknowledge Eragon as his brother and just wanted to be with him and finally Eragon also acknowledged him as a brother too that last scene with them was just so good 🥹

Also I love how Thorn's like only spoken line in the whole series (until November) is to boop Eragon on the forehead and say "Hi. Thank you for not killing my rider. :)" and Murtagh is just like "Yeah thanks for that. 😒"

Love how quick Saphira and Fírnen hit it off lol. They really played tag and wrestled for like five minutes and then were like "Alright we're gonna go fuck like now see y'all later ✌️" And Eragon's like "Is this??? Okay???" And Saphira's like "Pfft dragon's don't mate for life 🤷‍♀️" Their little romance was so cute.

CAN WE FUCKING TALK ABOUT QUEEN AND RIDER ARYA??? That shit is by FAR the wildest endgame decision Chris made because like. That. That's so fucking. Oh my god??? Like, one, poor Arya!! She just wanted to be a rider and have adventures! She probably would've either spent her time happy herrying eggs across Alegaësia, or she would've gone with Eragon to Mount Arngor, but you can NOT convince me that she would be particularly happy as queen. She's grieving the loss of her mother that she barely had a relationship with, and denied the other eleven leaders for a full week before they convinced her to do it!!! Girlie!!! You deserve to be happy!!! And, two, the obvious point of holy shit that is such an enormous power imbalance in favor of the elves. Like, there is a REASON the riders were separate in the first place!! And, you know, Galbatorix JUST died and now there is another rider/monarch and it's the ELVES who have historically been both the most powerful race, and the race with the best relationship with the dragons. And Arya is the ONLY RIDER LEFT IN ALEGAËSIA!!! Because Eragon is gone (and stubbornly convinced that He Shall Never Again Return Oh Woe Is Him) and Murtagh is... Also gone to an extent. He at the very least holds no political power. Basically everyone hates him, and those that don't can't do more than, like, pardon him, for whatever that's worth. I just can't see this not rubbing people the wrong way, and not coming to an eventual head. Nasuada and Arya are both great, but I just get the feeling there is going to eventually be some sort of conflict between them, no matter how much neither of them want it. I do think Arya is perhaps the least corruptible person, other than maybe Eragon but... I don't knowwww maaaan it's complicated!!

Also I regret to inform everyone that rereading the last little bit did make me ship Eragon and Arya a teensy tinsy itty little bit. Just a liiiiittle bit. Like idk the last fairth and the telling each other their true names and calling each other their true names and Eragon's grief at leaving and his vow to love her forever and her insinuation of maybe one day just got to me alright???

There were a lot of cool magic things in this book! Like the pocket space that the Eldunarí were kept in? Cuaroc's body? More shit that I'm forgetting? God I would just love, like, a magical encyclopedia or something idk. Lots of cool shit. And artifacts!! I want to learn about more magical artifacts.

Also at my Galbatorix stan mutual? I'm a certified Murtagh Girlie™️ and therefore obligated to hold a grudge but like. I do get it. He is a... Very competent villain.

Alright I think that's it for now but. Wow. Man oh man. There is a reason I love this series. I'll probably think of some more things to talk about later, and I'm gonna be participating in the Big Bang, and I'll probably post about The Fork, The Witch, and The Worm as I reread that but yeah!!! Can't wait for November!!

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

First of all, I just want to say. I called it lol

Finally an sskk face off since the sacrifice. I am going insane. I can’t articulate all my thoughts rn but something about the way Atsushi aimed a kick at Akutagawa that he fully expected the guy to block (because they know each other’s usual fighting styles!!!) only for it to connect and hurt him; Atsushi begging Akutagawa to recognize him because even if he still can’t consciously admit it, Atsushi has become convinced that Akutagawa wouldn’t be attacking him like this if he knew it was him; pleading for him to snap out of it and demanding to know why he saved him aghhhhh I’m going feral we know the reason Atsushi we know whyyyyy

I can’t believe it actually. We are at the point where sskk do not want to genuinely hurt each other. Atsushi attacked only out of self defence and was taken aback by actually breaking his wrist. Akutagawa refused to kill Atsushi in the Fukuchi fight and Atsushi is now convinced he’d stop attacking if he recognized him. Holy shit. Oh my god.

And Sigma badass moment! My boy, he pulled through! Either him or Chuuya had to break the stalemate; hell yeah, validation. Wasn’t there a meme someone made? “Prison arc -> prison arc if Sigma still had a gun”? Well Sigma’s got a gun and things are picking up babyyyy! His retort to Fyodor was quite possibly the funniest thing he could’ve said in response. Just completely shut him down. Using what he’s learned running the empty home Fyodor previously tried to buy his trust with. Beautiful. ADA Sigma real??? (I think the story will have to acknowledge his very public involvement with Taneda’s shooting and the acts of terrorism the Hunting Dogs now know he is responsible for… so I’m not sure how that will go but I’d like to see him end up with the Agency tbh… so long as it makes sense.)

Things I did not expect:

Mysterious note left in Russian??? It could be Mykola I suppose but… why? What happened? If he’s actually in trouble I doubt he’d need help escaping. Is it a trap? But what for? Alternatively… could it be Pushkin? He was in Meursault initially right? We never found out what his connection was. It could be a new Russian author too! Intriguing! There’s also the matter of it being written in Russian in the first place - who is it meant for? Sigma specifically? Or is it meant for someone else who speaks Russian?

Dazai is actually injured! I was certain he had something ready to get out on his own but I like this much better. Tbh I know this sounds bad but I’m actually way more invested now that Dazai has a broken leg and Fyodor was just shot. There’s higher stakes, you know? Damn though. I think Dazai’s injuries are. Worse. He’s being terribly self-sacrificial, and is apparently going to face off against Chuuya next time we see him. I do think now the stakes would be too low if Chuuya was completely free of the brainwashing tbh… I’m hoping for a double “I know you’re in there” fight between skk and sskk. Not that Dazai can do much physically but his strength has always been with words anyways, and I am certain Chuuya’s already fighting back. And I know Atsushi will reach Akutagawa. Manifesting sskk reunion where they challenge Fukuchi again and win this time via the power of unbreakable trust (delusional).

Sigma asks Fyodor “WHAT are you?” Which is interesting, and I’m hoping will acknowledge the way Fyodor doesn’t seem to age… but also intriguing is the “getting closer” part on the side which implies he’s not quite right. I think Fyodor will still turn out to be human tbh (it’d be weird otherwise, thematically), but now I’m starting to lend a little more weight to that theory about a Fyodor double…

Well anyways. This was a lot. I’m going to helplessly whir about it for a bit now.

[thousandyearphantombunker]

I am so tired of high functioning fully verbal non cognitively impaired able to mask autistics being the ones who dictate how we talk about autism- I hear shit like high functioning autism= high masking and low functioning autism= no masking - i get it when you have an invisible disability its like no one ever believes you when your struggling and your told your being lazy or don't qualify for things like disability aids you may need - its a shitty sometimes traumatic experience but low functioning isn't 'low masking' it is needing to be leashed so you don't run into traffic and get hit by a car, its needing to use diapers and take medication to make yourself less violent, it is 'learning sign is impossible for them and an aac device isn't gonna be useful here either' its your parents having to rely on the good will of others and hope they won't be abusive dick bags to your child, it's getting treated like shit by the police because they think your odd behavior means your on drugs, it's being unable to go online and rant about the horrible shit you go through cause your too impaired to even understand it- low functioning autistics have it so much harder and my heart goes out to them- so much ridicule, judgement, abuse and just being so misunderstood is miserable being reliant on others like that is miserable- acting like being low functioning is just being bad at masking and acting like people who are low functioning get treated so well and are taken care of by angels is freaking dumb as fuck- just because your low functioning doesn't mean you get support (and if any of the stuff I listed above is a good indication they need it even more)

Low functioning isn't 'low masking' its your goddamned disability impacting you more severely, and again I get it sometimes your told your super high functioning even though your actually not that high functioning and your approaching burn out and the reason no one notices because you cant stop masking- it's horrible but saying low functioning= not masking, is dumb cause it's so untrue it's being more severely disabled

Also autism burnout isn't just limited to people who can mask/are former gifted children. Masking for too long isn't the only source of Autism burnout- autism burnout can happen to people who can't mask and aren't straight A students. Autism burnout is caused by not having your needs met (having your accomodations ignored, being unable to communicate etc) Autism burnout can happen to anyone with autism and again masking isn't the only thing that causes burn out,

idk I feel bad that you guys couldn't take off your masks, that you couldn't stop repressing your autistic traits, that your needs didn't get met because no one noticed or cared or maybe they straight up bullied you when your needs came up- but why do so many of you think low functioning people are more 'privileged' "oh well they had more money to get a diagnosis and their parents cared about them more to get them a diagnosis and they have more resources!" Okay first of all bold of you to assume any of that shit - lots of low functioning people struggle with poverty, have shitty parents and the idea that they get more resources/better care is laughable second of all even if they have good parents and the resources they get aren't bad or nonexistent and they have more money to get the help they need- so fucking what? Is it really a privilege? Is it really a privilege to be stuck with the IQ of an 8 year old who needs to live in a special home after your parents die having to use sanitary devices and needing others to handle basic tasks for you being carted around by different caretakers, changing case managers, being that helpless? Is it a fucking privilege- i personally think that's kind of scary as shit.

I'm high functioning or low support needs or level one whatever label you like (I think levels have been the closest to working but I used functioning labels for this post cause it was easier to articulate) and I am aware I am not the authority on the autism community as whole- especially the low functioning members of our community but jesus Christ i will call other high functioning people out i usually dont play that misery poker, victim shit but it seems to be the only thing some people listen to

I've known a few low functioning autistic people in my life and I love them and it hurts knowing how they are demonized and abused and how our community shuns them due to shame and thinking that if people see this side of autism they'll take away our rights and I hear them talk about how 'privileged' they are to have such sevre symptoms because getting a diagnosis *definitely means that your super rich because you can afford a diagnosis and care takers, and you get amazing care and have good parents!* (Sarcasm a lot of low functioning people have shit parents, are poor and on top of that being disabled is expensive as shit oh and the idea that people are more understanding and kind toward visibly disabled people is again fucking stupid) And what a blight they are on our community and prevent us from getting full rights... I am so done with that shit. Like the reason we mask is to avoid the danger that comes from being visibly disabled and yet so many of you are jealous of visibly autistic people? And you can't fathom that they get shit treatment a lot of the time? Fucking hell. I wanna hear from more visibly disabled people, people with disabilities that have embarrassing symptoms, people with learning disabilities and low iqs and slower processing, from people who are severely impacted and need people to take care of them, I want to hear about autism from people who aren't burnt out gifted kids or cutesy tik tokers with cute special interests/non violent 'aesthetic' stims (those people should still talk because they are also important) but like so are the intellectually disabled ones? Idk I think we need to hear them to, we need to actively include them in our conversations about autism. we kept screaming at the top of our lungs 'no talking about us without us' yet we don't follow our own advice

[verdanabdit]

How each goes about taking their first d☆ck. Unless otherwise noted, they're on top and in control of the pace, and have either never been penetrated before or at least have never been penetrated by something bigger than two of their fingers. And of course are with their bro.

I'm boring and think of vajimbos but feel free to imagine a butt instead.

~~~

UT Sans: Agonizingly slow. Needs to rest after nearly every centimeter. Tries really hard not to breathe weird or make noise, unwilling to admit he's not just messing around teasing. By the time he's fully seated, he's out of breath from holding it for so long. Won't admit how overwhelming it is, but can't help but cling to Pap's ribs.

UT Papyrus: Worked himself up thinking it was going to hurt terribly, and the discomfort doesn't live up to the hype, so he takes it smooth and easy. Doesn't stop; finds the continued motion helps dull the slight pain.

UF Sans: It's a heat-of-the-moment thing, so neither of them are really thinking about it when Papyrus pushes him down, and he's surprised by just how much it hurts and ends up kicking Papyrus in the face. Thought lube was for quitters, so they don't have any, and he grumps around while waiting for Papyrus to get back from the store. Papyrus yells about the huge mess Sans makes using more than half the bottle all at once, but Sans snaps back, "shut the f☆ck up. what you gonna do, f☆ck me to death and use me like sawdust to clean it up?? friggin chad thunderc☆ck's out for blood over here, if he can't rip through your taint, he'll bludgeon you with his damn python." and squeezes out the rest of bottle just to be a shit. It still hurts like a motherf☆cker, of course, and Papyrus lets Sans beat on his chest to help distract from it. Says there's not going to be a next time, but changes his mind about half-way through the night.

UF Papyrus: Learned from the above disaster. Brags about how he, unlike Sans, is not going to waste half their night on something so trivial. Is pretty good about hiding his discomfort, and even tells Sans he was being dramatic that time. The banter is a good distraction from the fact that he's not quite f☆cking Sans stupid like he said he would. He'll make good on that promise next time.

US Sans: Doesn't expect it to hurt, so he goes at it with a little more gusto than he should. Very vocal. He pauses after the head, but he doesn't stop for long, not wanting to back down. Nothing he can't handle!!! Has to be told to slow down.

US Papyrus: Tries to play it cool, letting Sans take the lead, but he's actually really worried about it hurting. Tries to endure, but he curls away with a pained groan and worries Sans, who pulls back out. Papyrus ends up crying just a little from a mixture of pain, embarrassment and feeling like he's ruined the evening. He admits he had been looking forward to this, even though he was nervous. Sans calms him down, offers to stop or keep going. Gently works him open until they're snugly joined. (But I also just like to think of this Papyrus as delicate. (*pq′ー｀) He never fully adjusts to how girthy Sans is, so it always hurts at the start even with extensive prep. He learns to not mind it, and then enjoy it.)

SFR Sans: Sets the evening up as a very slow, sensual, teasing atmosphere. Tells Papyrus he isn't allowed to move. Distracts them both with kisses so neither of them are thinking too hard about how slowly he's working himself down. It actually hurts like a b☆tch, but he's glad to feel it. Glad they can share this.

SFR Papyrus: Takes it all in one go, slamming down, groans and comes immediately. It feels like something tore. He's crying. Sans, worried, asks what he should do, but he takes so long to answer. When he does, he just begs Sans to move. It hurts too much to move on his own, but he doesn't want to stop. He doesn't stop crying. It'd be less awkward if he could articulate that he likes how it hurts, but he's just too overwhelmed at the moment. He's sad that it'll never hurt that same way again.

SFP Sans: Most of the time is spent just looking at it. Snaps "DON'T RUSH ME!" when questioned. It's annoyance that gets him to actually do anything, but he needs to pause after a couple inches. He stalls once it's all in, not wanting to admit he needs time to adjust.

SFP Papyrus: Lets Sans do what he wants. Tries to cover up his wincing with complaints about Sans's lack of a delicate touch, but Sans goads an embarrassed admission out of him that it's his first time doing this.

FSG Sans: Sans had asked Papyrus to lead and planned to endure any pain for his brother's sake, just wanting him to feel good, but Papyrus refused, too worried that he'd hurt Sans even with instruction. Sans still largely sets aside his own discomfort, taking it a bit faster than is comfortable for the sake of assuring his brother he's fine.

FSG Papyrus: It's an all night process. He flinches away once it starts to hurt and needs a break. Sans keeps asking if he's sure he wants to do this, but he's determined. They eventually get him fully seated, but it's still too much to really work with, so they just sit still for the rest of the night. He's too sore to try again for a few days, and the next attempt goes about the same. Fourth time's the charm, and he apologizes for the trouble, but Sans assures him he's enjoyed simply being joined with him plenty enough.

HT Sans: Lets Papyrus do what he wants. A sharp inhale makes Papyrus stop, ask if he's alright, but Sans shortly just tells him to keep moving, that it's going to hurt no matter what anyway. Just do it. Papyrus tries to go slow anyway.

HT Papyrus: Is so enamored with the idea (and used to most things hurting) that he doesn't really notice it or let it slow him down.

UL Sans: He was begging Papyrus to take him anyway. He's not going to make him stop now. He cringes and groans loudly, and Papyrus tries to pull out, but Sans locks his legs around him and says it's fine; it's supposed to hurt. A little teary when he asks Papyrus to please keep moving.

UL Papyrus: Kind of regrets just going for it, but stopping part-way would hurt worse. 'Fights back' against the pain by bouncing harder. He'll have given himself a limp by tomorrow.

G Sans: Lays back and is super flippant about it. Pokes fun at Pap for putting so much effort into preparing him. Stops laughing when Pap nudges inside, whimpering a bit. When asked if he's okay, he tries really hard to play it off, says he was just trying to get a rise out of Pap since he cared so much. Papyrus sees through his bullsh☆t, kisses him sweetly, and kindly says he'll be more gentle. Sans grumbles to himself that Pap is way too suave, but he's putty in his hands already, wrapping his arms around his brother's neck and melting into how much tender care he's receiving.

G Papyrus: The only one of them to have used a reasonably sized toy first. Slowly acquainted himself with the sensation on his own so he wouldn't end up being the reason a nice evening needed to stop or pause. Sans is pretty salty about it since Pap made Sans's first into such a damn event.

~~~

US Sans (alternate): It doesn't hurt at all. Papy tragically has a pencil d☆ck. Since he takes it all at once, Papy expresses concern for him, and Sans has to make the snap decision on whether to be honest that he can hardly feel it or pretend in order to save Pap's ego. (If the truth ever comes out, Pap will be devastated, ask why Sans let it go on that long, and Sans responds "BUT YOU WERE SO CUTE, THRUSTING AWAY LIKE THAT. LIKE YOU WERE GETTING SOMEWHERE. IT WAS REALLY CUTE, PAPY." and like, it's not like he wasn't laughing at him, but it wasn't in a mean way, but it's difficult to get that across. For Sans, there's something endlessly endearing about Papyrus trying so hard but being unable to pleasure him. He's not sure what this k☆nk is.)

UF Sans (alternate): Wants it to hurt. He spends his life trying so hard to avoid getting hurt, and he knows Papyrus would never harm him. He wants to feel his brother safely break him. A wonderful pain that symbolizes their trust and love. He urges Papyrus onward, freely cringes and groans in pain, pulls Papyrus closer when he tries to pull away, begs him not to leave, to keep going.

[acorpsecalledcorva]

Lmfao, so for whatever reason I decided to look at the DID tags on twitter, probably as a form of digital SH and the first post I see on there annoys the fuck out of me

TW for discussion of self harm and self injury

Ok so first thing I see is this

And this is definitely a touchy subject subject for me, I get hyper critical when I see it discussed, especially since some early conversations with my therapist. Even before that discussion though I've always hated the way self harm is discussed even if I couldn't articulate those feelings.

And that's because abstinence as a moral imperative might be the most damaging ideology to ever worm it's way into society.

I mean, even the title of that article "First, Do No Harm, Not Even to Yourself" is soaked in moral judgement, "hurting other people is wrong and bad, right? So why would do a wrong and bad thing to yourself? You wouldn't download a razor blade" and it doesn't even make a proper argument on the moral philosophy of harm, she merely attempts to imply immorality by association. Hurting others is wrong because it violates their autonomy, your liberty to swing your arm ends just where my nose begins, right? It's about consent. In BDSM, a sadist may physically hurt a masochist because they have consented to it being done to them. Similarly, gender affirming care doesn't violate the Hippocratic Oath no matter how strongly a transphobe feels about it because informed consent is given to the treatment. Conversely, genial reconstruction surgeries performed on intersex babies or even infant circumsions should be considered a violation because consent has not and cannot be given.

But how does this apply to self-harm? It's your body, it's your autonomy, you aren't violating shit. Even being in a system no single alter has complete authority over the body, it's still possible to come to a consensus without unanimous agreement because guess what? Making decisions while having conflictual feelings or being in two minds is a perfectly normal human experience.

Am I saying you should self harm? No. Of course not. I'm simply saying that self harm is not an immoral act and I will remove the personhood of anyone that tries to weaponise shame in this way against people who almost certainly feel an incredibly painful and torturous amount of shame and guilt already.

The article is also vaccuously lacking in substance. The author seems to think this 'gotcha' is a sufficient argument but itself, checkmate traumatised liberals, but obviously needs to generate ad revenue through scrolling so offers 8 "new realities" to help reinforce a morally pure and healthy mindset.

1. Feelings are survivable and containable

Uhhh sure, they can be, if you have the right coping mechanisms to deal with them. You can't just tell someone to forgo the coping mechanisms they already have without successfully replacing them with something equally or more effective though. The whole point of dissociation from trauma is because certain feelings ARE deemed to be unsurvivable by the brain, you're not weak minded for thinking so.

2. We have art, reading, distractions, therapist, meds

Yeah no shit, that's not always enough though and you haven't failed if you try them and they don't work, the coping mechanisms have failed, not you.

3. We deserve to feel better

So true! Self harming makes me feel better when emotional distress is overwhelming me, I'm glad we agree

4. We don't need to guarantee pain

You know what guarantees pain? Shaming yourself out of using a coping mechanism without addressing it's root cause, but that's ok because feelings are "survivable" right?

5. We don't have to hurt via self-abuse

I actually don't know what that's supposed to mean, I can hurt myself without hurting myself? I don't have to self harm? I know I don't have to, but I can if it's better to do so than to not

6. Our trauma is over, why continue it?

First of all fuck you, retraumatisation is a very well noted trauma response, but so is shame and guilt so who's really continuing our trauma here?

7. We don't have to stand vigil over pain to honour abused parts

EXACTLY! That's what coping mechanisms are for, hey guess what coping mechanism can be really effective at temporarily relieving emotional pain? I'll give you a hint, it's not reading.

8. We will honour our abused parts with self compassion, understanding, acceptance, and encouragement

Once again so true! I will be compassionate to abused parts, understanding and accepting of the coping mechanisms they choose, while encouraging exploration of healthy alternatives without shaming them if they don't work.

Her website is littered with BuzzFeed style listicles of "25 ways to avoid self injury and prevent self harm" "25 more ways to avoid self injury and prevent self harm" "another 25 even more ways to avoid self injury and prevent self harm" and like, sure, they're all perfectly fine distraction techniques but what really pisses me off about the wording of these is that they're framed as ways to distract yourself from the urge to self harm, as though the urge itself is what's wrong, and not the pain and hurt that the urge is a response to.

Just watch one more movie bro, trust me bro, this next one will be the one that makes the pain go away bro just trust me one more movie bro.

I have wasted so much fucking time hating myself and shaming myself and feeling like a failure for breaking my streak. Torturing myself during some of the most emotionally distraught moments of my life because "it doesn't matter how much pain I'm in I can't give into the urge, I can't do that, no matter what I mustn't ever do that" imagining how much worse I'll feel when I punish myself for being too weak.

Do you know what I do now? I take note of the feeling, give it space and allow it to be present and I make a bargain with myself. I will give myself 2 hours to distract and soothe from the emotional pain that I or another part is experiencing, and if that doesn't work then we'll self harm with no shame or judgement. And you'll never guess what, I haven't even come close to self harming, and that's great! And maybe sometime it won't be enough and that'll be fine too, it'll just mean I really needed to. The parts that want to self harm feel respected and listened to, my hurt and abused parts feel seen because I'm paying attention to them and not fighting with the self harm part and we all get to move through the experience with grace.

8. We will honour our abused parts with self compassion, understanding, acceptance, and encouragement

Fucking damn right I will, in every way I can.

So yeah, that was my first 5 seconds on DID twitter how was your day?

[blackjackkent]

Pondering on the post from @vampireapologist regarding associations of The Dark Urge with OCD - made me consider a few things about the whole Durge concept for me personally that I hadn't really articulated to myself before. Reblogs are turned off there so just thinking out loud on my own post. XD (What they had to say was super interesting though so go read it.)

My own OCD is more centered around compulsive anxiety thought spirals than intrusive/violent ones so I don't exactly relate to Rakha (my Durge) specifically on that level (and, as vampireapologist pointed out, OCD intrusive thoughts are about fears, not an actual desire for violence like Durge thoughts anyway). But in broader terms, I do think I also find a lot to relate to in the concept of Resist Durge on a more general level.

I'm not too far into Durge run yet so obviously I don't know how it's gonna play out but Rakha is spending the early part of the game, uh, not doing so good. She's struggling a lot, and the Urge keeps winning. But she's already making progress and there are two fundamental things that are helping that along, and as I'm considering it now, they're two things that have been pretty fundamental to my own relationship with mental illness as well.

The first is conceptualizing the unproductive thoughts as something separate, something that can be interacted with, faced down, disagreed with; in my writing Rakha calls it "the beast" and she can tell when it's the beast's anger versus her own. And the second is the presence of friends who know what's going on, understand that distinction as well, and are actively committed to helping her through it. The companions are pretty much all, right from the get go, willing to say - whatever those thoughts are that you're having, we're still with you and we're not defining you by them and we're gonna figure this out.

And this actually does connect with the experiences I've had with my own thought spirals - conceptualizing them as something I could step back and look at and analyze and actively choose not to engage with was a really big turning point for me in learning to manage my OCD. And I've been lucky to have supportive friends along the way who would help me intercept thoughts that were on the way towards getting me stuck and who didn't judge me in my low moments.

I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this except that the connection hadn't fully occurred to me before, and now that it has I'm even more intrigued to see how the Resist path plays out and to write about it. And also that maybe when I start going down a thought hole I'm going to start picturing Sceleritas Fel in my head being a little shit and mentally beat him up with a rolled up newspaper. XD

[sillysunshinesstuff]

Need vs. Want in TLOU

Ok I can’t get over this specific scene because it perfectly sets up Ellie and Joel before we even have an inkling of their relationship. 

It’s during the breakfast scene with Sarah where Tommy walks in and says to Joel “You're still alive. You old fucker.” and Sarah responds, “Aw. He loves you.” 

Joel’s answer to this captures his personal definition of love which is significant because it aligns with Ellie’s. He says, “He’s dependent on me. Not the same.” This. This. 

Sarah then responds with “I think it’s the same.” And Tommy, “It’s definitely the same.” 

But to Joel, it’s not. To Joel, love is not about being dependent on someone. It’s more than that to him. It’s about choice and want which can easily be confused with need. Sarah is a need. She is his biological daughter. He needs her to be safe. He needs her to live. Their base relationship is one of dependence. This is not to say it cheapens its significance or her profound impact, but Joel never had a choice when it came to loving Sarah. He just did. 

Ellie is not dependent on Joel. Yes he protects her and is guiding her through this journey, but she doesn’t need him. She has proven time and time again that she is self-sufficient and can absolutely take care of herself. In fact, she takes care of him too. She has saved his ass so many times that he doesn’t get to say she needs him. She doesn’t need him. But she wants him. 

When it came to choosing between Tommy and Joel for the rest of the journey in episode 6, she immediately, without hesitation, chose Joel. The smart choice would have been Tommy. He’s younger, can actually hear, and hasn’t failed her yet. Joel hasn’t failed her per say but he hasn’t lived up to the impossible standards he set for himself and she knows this. If she was choosing based on “need” she would have chosen Tommy. But Ellie chose based off of love, something she has been deprived of all her life. All Ellie knows is need. Just this once, she wants to choose love and she did. 

And connecting this to the podcast, “That there’s a thread between them that is more than just “I used to have a kid and you’re also a kid.” There’s something else. That there’s the connection already between Joel and Ellie that is different from his connection with his own daughter. And perhaps potentially stronger, and certainly, potentially more dangerous.” 

THIS. God I wish I was more articulate but this is the essence of Ellie and Joel. Their relationship is stronger because it is based on want. Ellie wants Joel, not just because he is a protector, but because he is Joel. She understands him and loves who he is. Joel wants Ellie, not because he is missing Sarah, but because she is Ellie. Ellie is not a replacement for Sarah. She isn’t an understudy or a second choice because he can’t have Sarah as his daughter. He wants Ellie because he sees who she is and can’t help but love her. 

They both see each other, not just as father and daughter, but as people as well. The scene where Joel is beating a FEDRA soldier to death in the first episode and Joel turns around expecting to see the same horror he saw on Sarah’s face, but instead seeing a kid who is completely enraptured by this terrifying show of violence is testament to this. She looked directly into the depths of his darkness and saw her own. They don’t shy away from the bad shit to keep up pretenses. 

Inferring a bit, but Sarah might have shied away from who her dad would become to keep her alive if she had survived. She might not have wanted him anymore, similar to how Tommy didn’t want Joel anymore (choosing to stay in Jackson and cutting off all contact) when he saw how low he was willing to go to keep the ones he loves alive. Both Tommy and Sarah were dependent on Joel, and to them, that was love. 

Furthering this a bit, it also illuminates why Ellie and Joel are the focus, and not Sarah and Joel. Though both absolutely beautiful and important relationships, even the showrunners argue that Joel and Ellie have a stronger connection. They choose to have this connection which aligns with how they define love. And because this connection is stronger, it incites danger in a way that you’re unable to look away from. If the show had been about a dad on a journey with his biological kid, it simply wouldn’t have the same impact because we’d be like “Oh, of course he would do that for her. Of course he’d torture, maim, and kill. That’s his daughter.” Instead of “Oh, he’s choosing to torture, maim, and kill for her. That’s not his kid and he’s doing it anyway.” 

Their relationship is potentially more dangerous, as we will see in the last episode and next season, and this is a choice. Love is a choice and they have already made it. 

[thestobingirlie]

I remember that in some interview Joe Keery gave he said that Steve didn’t think he was dumb, and that has stuck with me for a while. Writers love to treat him like’s never had an intelligent thought in his life and other characters act like they don’t know how he graduated high school, yet Steve, at least according to Joe Keery, thinks he’s smart. And that’s just tragic. Like, the idea that a person who believes that they are fairly intelligent and capable is constantly having to compete with this image created by those around them (this image of a braindead jock who needs his hand held through every explanation) is frustrating and super demoralizing. Especially because it seems that Steve knows what he’s talking about (and so does everyone else, they knew what he meant when he referenced the Germans) and just struggles to articulate it correctly.

A part of me has always wondered if the way his intelligence is treated partially influenced his decision not to play Dungeons and Dragons with the kids. The guy’s learning abilities are called into question so many times it isn’t even funny. Other characters harping on him for asking “dumb questions” is treated as a running joke and any time he suggests something its almost immediately written off. With all of that in mind, would it be crazy to say he would be hesitant to play a game involving a lot of math and player interaction? I can totally imagine Dustin (especially S4 Dustin) or Mike getting tired of having to remind him how stats work, and I can definitely see Steve trying to engage in the campaign as best he can but still doing it “wrong”. I know in the show he has no real interest in playing because he thinks it’s too nerdy, but I can’t help but wonder if some part of him is afraid of embarrassing himself.

Sorry for the wall of text.

i think it’s really interesting to consider, because in canon, yeah steve gets a little mocked, though i feel that’s written more for the audience to laugh at than an implication that the characters all think he’s an idiot.

but the way steve is treated in fanon actually kinda makes it heartbreaking to think that steve considers himself smart. because he is just constantly put down by everyone around him. like. steve is smart! but the way people constantly over exaggerate steve forgetting the right names for him, and have all the characters laugh at him every time he says the wrong thing. really, how long until steve would start to just feel like utter shit.

and i do think that’s interesting! i think in canon, steve probably just isn’t that into d&d, but in fanon, i wouldn’t be surprised if he just doesn’t want to spend a couple hours getting laughed at. (and yeah, i do not like the way s4 dustin and steve’s relationship is portrayed, and it is one of my many pains over this season.)

[kkoct-ik]

kottik i think ive already said it before but i SO so appreciate your perspective and attention to detail with dissociative stuff. trying to wade through scattered info on the internet for reliable resources feels like an impossible task sometimes lol so having the DID writing guide + your alter worksheet definitely helps a lot! 

feedback on the guide itself: i loved it!!! the only parts i didn’t personally find relatable were the parts discussing later stages of healing/recovery (since im not quite there yet) and some of the functional neurological symptoms, but everything else felt like it was describing my own journey and experiences with DID perfectly. i also really appreciated the section on amnesia and different types of dissociation, plus the lesser known symptoms, since a lot of the time i see conflicting and confusing info on that + i feel like a lot of writers who try to write DID and describe how amnesia feels miss out on that stuff and just skim webmd or something for their info. and honestly even in online And offline discussions of DID ive seen other people try to describe how it really works and feels and its… not always described well lmao . but that’s a whole other can of worms etc

i think, though it’s just a writing resource, it was also very affirming to see it all laid out like that. like Oh shit yeah i do all of that. that’s my life on the page!!! the whole time i read it i was like ‘i knew this stuff already, but i never knew how to explain it properly.’ and it’s definitely the kind of thing i wish id been able to see when i first started noticing my symptoms. many years of misinfo and confusion have messed w my perception of myself n my disorder for a long time so it feels like a breath of fresh air to see someone else pushing against that and actually doing their research to try and clear things up. not to mention how clear your descriptions are + how easy it is to comprehend your explanations, while still being concise and to the point. so great work!!! 5 star rating, will definitely be recommending it to others :3 hope to see more from you + hope that it helps others write cool stuff!

i missed this ask!!!! sorry for missing this yesterday

thank you!!!!!! mwa mwa mwa. im so glad. so happy yaaaay

yeah, i definitely relate with the struggling to articulate experiences, being muddled by things online, and feeling like other people really dont quite get it when trying to represent whats going on. it makes me happy i can help with that!!

i feel like i'm in a good place that i've read a Lot of DID & CPTSD lit and i've been stabilising in treatment (processing some stuff, working on myself, getting a better understanding of therapy practice). i think it's given me a lot of perspective on my disorder that i wouldn't really have otherwise, and that a lot of people might not have either.

cuz yeah. i think trying to understand DID on the internet is a monumentously difficult task. on one hand, you have personal accounts from people with DID, and on the other, you have doctors and generic websites. both don't quite give a full or reliable picture.

if you try to understand DID by listening to individuals, you're vulnerable to being incredibly confused and misled. and most of the time it's not intentional - it's hard to communicate what your symptoms are when you think half of it is normal and the other half is conflicted and fragmented - but it can give others very strange ideas about what the condition operates like at large.

it might also seem respectful to take everything we say at face value, but that ends up meaning that our flawed / misguided perceptions of ourselves and our symptoms become solidified as fact. we are mentally ill, we are not necessarily educated, and are a patient base prone to daydreaming and suggestion. we can get things wrong, and we can emphasise the wrong things.

when people take our unreliable accounts as fact (vivid recounts of psuedomemories, venting about feeling like seperate people, or expressing any number of mistaken symptoms), our experiences can start to sound like fantasy. suddenly DID sounds like a disorder you could not fathom having or ever truly understand, rather than a disorder that is simply inherently confusing to live with.

on the other hand, if you try to understand DID soley through medical accounts and websites, you will only ever hear about reported symptoms, the most extreme & notable case studies, patient observations, and generic criteria, leaving a Lot to fill in the gaps, and leading to other kinds of inaccuracies.

(for my health i'm not even going to try to touch on hollywood and online influencers that sensationalise the condition for clicks and thus dominate the algorithm. but obviously they are a factor too. pop culture is a powerful thing.)

the internet is a mess! and while not everything that is misleading is untrue, it can be very easy to just, not quite get it, or misunderstand things fundamentally, in any number of ways.

so yeah, it makes me happy that between my life experience, therapy, and obnoxious amount of pages read, i can actually make what goes on somewhat digestible. i'm contextualising medical criteria, pulling out relevant quotes, and pointing people to some really good resources.

it's not to say i'm a spokesperson or expert. i am very much just a huge nerd who happens to suffer from a disorder and is very invested in understanding myself. but the positive feedback does reassure me that i haven't gotten anything heinously wrong.

ty again :)) yaayy

[juuheizou]

what makes mutsuki genuinely angry/upset? how does he act and how to make amends?/also how does he like phisical affection ir affection in general seriously i love this pookie so muchh i just want to drown him in love and softness and gentleness🥹

SAME SAME SAME.

He is deeply upset by injustice and suffering of others, canonically to the point of doing reckless shit just to try helping. We know seeing his teammate in turmoil or even a stranger possibly walking into peril clouds his judgment and I can see him needing to break down after working a particularly tragic or gruesome case because how can something so terrible happen to someone?

I can also see him denying within an inch of his life that he is ever angry on his own behalf, but he does have smaller, more personal things that make him angry, or hurt, which it can be hard to tell the difference when you're in the thick of either one. He truly likes to help others and doesn't mind going out of his way for those he cares about, but it hurts when his efforts are taken for granted without so much as a 'thank you,' especially if he's met with criticism or mockery for that effort. I could also see some anger making its way through his bleeding heart if someone messed up something he had spent a lot of time and effort on, or the one thing in forever that was supposed to just be for him.

When he's angry or something in that vein, he tries so, so hard to calm down, breathe through it, bottle it up, whatever it takes to keep being calm and patient with everything. He's the type to keep saying that he's fine even when his voice is breaking while he says it. But the more upset he gets, the harder it is to calm down, so he gets snappy and passive-aggressive at small things that he normally tolerates, like 'a dirty dish or two in the sink' small. Then it evolves into similar short, moody behavior over nothing. Someone can simply be in the wrong place at the wrong time. When he finally explodes, he can be prone to yelling at people, even if what they actually did in the moment doesn't in any way warrant being yelled at.

As far as making amends with him for something, he is a pretty forgiving guy. To a fault, even. True, like anyone, he appreciates changed behavior more than anything and as he grows and achieves a relatively healthy adult level of assertiveness, he is better at drawing the line when that doesn't ever happen. However, a lot of the time he will still accept the most basic bitch apology and it takes mistakes and consequences on his part for him to stop accepting amends that aren't really amends.

This poor boy so seldom thinks he deserves affection, and will deflect, deflect, deflect no matter how much he wants or likes what another person is doing for him. When we first meet him, he has a hard time even knowing, let alone articulating, how he likes to be shown affection, because it's just a far-off idea he doesn't deserve and has no idea how to accept. Deep down, though, all this deflecting leads to him having a backlog of things he likes the idea of and thinks might be nice. It's another as-he-gets-more-confident thing for him to even realize it himself, but he likes it when people thank him for all he does for the people he cares about, when they compliment him or something he did, or just tell him he can do something he's nervous about or he's helpful or he's handsome. He also loves it when his friends and loved ones carve out something special to do together, even if it's just coffee or watching a movie.

Physical affection is especially hard for him, but once he makes it past the first, biggest barrier he has up from all he's been through, he's in the deep end and I can see him having a bit of a needy phase when he first realizes that it's safe to allow someone he really trusts to touch him, though it would probably temper itself on its own with time to get used to that safety and trust. Just like all types of affection and attention, he has that same backlog of untried fantasies that he just cocoons himself in, which also contributes to that initial needy phase. I think he likes kisses, cuddling, even a simple hug, as the cherry on top of a special, sweet moment, whether it be an honest-to-goodness date or just a few seconds alone together. When it comes to SFW stuff, he likes soft, gentle touches and protective cuddling that makes him feel safe and cherished.

[beatcroc]

@midnightcityx0x0 I'm not reblogging that fuckmassive post AGAIN but this got too long for a reply so. On its own post now

Anyway i actually have so much trouble thinking of anything for gustavo ever lmao. Everything i have for him I've adopted from other people; rem [brickattack] as mentioned on the big post, and @synthlet/softersynths for a lot of other things. [and a couple others too but iirc synths was the one who started those ppl on it as well gfjdjds] which is to say, you'd probably get better/more interesting answers from those guys :p but yeah, fp and gus are pretty close. It's the general exposure/familiarity, the fact that fp is just a happy/pleasant and easy-to-like dude personality-wise, and for gus specifically there's also a level of "he shares a lot of traits with peppino, without peppino's Baggage™"

that last point is very very interesting but i dont know if i'd Actually get to doing a lot with it bc i typically make fake pep His Own Guy, with his similarities to peppino being almost sort of coincidental. i really really really like coming at peppino and fake pep from the "equals and opposites" angle, which like, that Can still apply for that last bit abt gus, but it's not something i've put a lot of thought into. it's also just fuckin hard to articulate outside of just showing it lmao. [i mentioned like, predator/prey animal nervousness + their reactions to fear vs aggression on the other post but to pull one for here: fake pep still has his own brand of Baggage to deal with too--different stuff than peppino's--but fp is way more open about it when it comes up as opposed to peppino having 50 fuckin walls about everything.

besides that, i also see a lot of general banter about gus being a very Nature Guy™ who likes to find beauty in all the weird fucked up shit nature does [especially in a world as cartoony as theirs], which i enjoy a lot bc girl same. fp may be the farthest thing from natural, but i certainly think there is a lot of beauty to be found in his fucked-up-ness. and i'm sure gustavo sees it too.

and then a fun one i've come into pretty recently for them is that they both care abt peppino a lot, but peppino is very bad at...being cared for. so because you can rarely approach pep directly about anything if it involves vulnerability [again: 50 fuckin walls], and because they both know him very well in different ways and can get through to him about different things, they end up working together a lot in sort of a conspiratory way. plotting scheming etc. 'have you noticed anything wrong lately + how are we going to help this guy out today', that sort of thing. the idea there can go a lot of ways but i'm partial to them using like goofy cartoon antics to set him up for something that'll be beneficial to him. [also brick is in on it too technically but brick is a rat and therefore only sapient when it's funny.] peppino rarely realizes what theyre doing until it's too late. get loved idiot

TANGENTIAL. DONT even get me started on the angst oh my god. you. i am pointing at you you made me think about this. i am not usually one who likes doing angst or making things excessively bad for the hell of it but. a bitch may be considering. under cut bc its unrelated to gustavo stuff but this is as good an excuse as any to share. [+ also extra thoughts on it bc of COURSE]

so i said that at the end there but then a few hours later i found myself toying around with a script and getting a good way to set it up.... im hoping i hit a roadblock on it and drop it because if i DO end up getting it all the way written i will definitely end up drawing it at some point and that would be uh... a big undertaking. it would also be one of the last ones i do bc there's other stuff i still want to build on, so IF, i cannot stress enough IF i go to make it a thing for real, it won't be this year.

for the bits i have so far though it's interesting how much it's shaping up to be like. a showcase of just how well peppino knows fp. which is surprisingly well? even better than gus, despite gus' being WAY more emotionally perceptive. peppino doesn't engage with fp more than necessary and rarely acts interested in his business, but i do think he spends a lot of time just... observing him. if only because pep is neurotic and anxious and fp is weird and freaky so it is a constant thing of "ok what the hell is this. is this something i need to be worried about?" whenever fp is doing shit, and the answer is always ''no'', but it's the sort of instinct that never leaves you yknow. so he's just very familiar with all fp's mannerisms and reactions and whatnot, even if he doesn't really use that knowledge much.......except when things go south. he's a lot more perceptive of fp acting 'wrong' or 'off' compared to gus, who would just be seeing it on a more normal 'aw he looked upset' kind of level.

i talk a lot abt fp's nervousness but the other negative thing that's just as strong with him is frustration. it doesn't usually get to him too bad, and he doesn't really show it around people outside of the occasional eyeroll; but it's stuff like not being able to communicate properly with anyone and getting constantly [negatively] misinterpreted; knowing he's Kinda Shite at his "purpose" [i.e. being 'better peppino' or whatever] and not being able to do anything about it [i don't think he cares about that much any more but i imagine it's still gotta be a bit annoying to remember]; not getting closure for like Anything that happened at the tower, etc... and while i DON'T think this would be the kind of thing to make him go berserk [i still don't really have any idea or framing for that lol; the script starts off a couple weeks in the aftermath and i pointedly don't do flashbacks], it's definitely the kind of thing that would get exacerbated by isolation. the kind of thing that's easy to focus on and spiral about without anyone to ground him; the kind of thing that could keep him from thinking clearly and he might just need to Take It Out on something after awhile.

peppino remains a terrible mediator but he is wildly resilient and tenacious, and if you need a guy to slap some sense into you... i mean he can very literally do that, and do it better than just about anyone.

[agalnamedlunasea]

Komahina or Kamukoma for the bingo!

Aaaaa ok omg where do I BEGIN with them

So I guess to start, while I do have separate sheets for them, I actually consider kamukoma as a sort of extension of komahina rather than a ship on its own. The way I hc izuru is just he and hajime are the same person, izuru is just a part of his life where his brain was altered and he went by a different name. Its still him. At least thats how I interpret it lol. THAT BEING SAID

KOMAHINA MY ABSOLUTE BELOVED OF ALL TIME

I mean it when I say they are my favorite ship of all time. I have never been so intensely gone for a ship before. They make me so unwell, they give me brainworms. Its honestly kinda hard to articulate.

They have SO much going on and I love seeing imagining all the ways they come together. I love the idea that they keep meeting and keep forming a strong bond of some kind immediately (dispair, nwp, post game). Every time they meet, they have such intense emotions about it.

I love that they're parallels of eachother, they're so similar but also very different, in such a way that it feels like they are the only ones who can *really* *truly* understand eachother and help eachother overcome their internal struggles, in such a way that its difficult for me to imagine either one of them with anyone else.

My favorite version of them is of course post game. I love thinking about them coming together and reconciling with how they treated eachother in the nwp, during dispair, and they find comfort and healing in eachother. Hajime wants to feel special, nagito wants to feel loved, and they're able to provide that to eachother and actually break through eachothers walls. After everything that happens in canon, hajime is wracked with an intense guilt complex that nagito can help to ease, and nagito has the chance to finally dismantle the ideology that he clung to as a coping mechanism, because hajime's very existence defys it. God they just fit together so so well, it scratches my brain in the best way.

They're also really funny to me too. Nagito is shameless, especially in admitting that he's in love with hajime, but he can never let himself believe that he can get what he wants in t hat regard. Meanwhile hajime is so romantically dense that he doesn't pick up on nagito basically hitting on him at all, and that's hilarious to me. I love banter and teasing and such, so nagito's shamelessness and hajime being easily flustered is just 👌

Now kamukoma specifically

It is really really good, but again I think of it as just part of komahina. On its own? Its kinda missing something?? Their relationship in canon is really really vague. I don't remember 100% for sure but I don't think they even officially meet during dispair besides the boat. Because of that a lit of kamukoma stuff is,, idk, just vague ideas to me.

I love their energy though. This evil dispair ridden couple, one a man-made God of talent, the other a devoted servant, that is GOOD SHIT. I LOVE the vibes. I just don't care for it on its own I guess is my point.

This is definitely not all my thoughts about Them, but I'll leave it at that for now. They're just my most favorite boys and I love them.

[ichorblossoms]

okay, bear with me as i try to articulate a mess of thoughts and vibes into coherent words here

part of what's so compelling to me about p2 of honeybee is that it's the only real span of time in-story that grimm and yarrow get together that's (mostly) devoid of some sort of extreme circumstance, and it forces them both to work on their own issues with intimacy but the thing is both of them have a a belief that they don't deserve the love they're given and default strategy of avoidance and that they can and do resort to, but at the cost of hurting the other

actually this got long so i'm putting this under a cut. ig cw bc i talk abt sex but nothing explicit

grimm is, for understandable reasons given their past, scared of attachment, more people you love means more you lose means more of yourself that's vulnerable means devotion you don't know how far you'll go for. so when it feels itself beginning to love yarrow again, it gets antsy and restless because it feels wrong but good but also like a death sentence but also like a new life and it knows it can't just give yarrow all of those feelings because what is yarrow going to do about that if grimm doesn't even know what to do? and so it runs away, or leaves yarrow's bed to sleep in the other room, or hovers in the doorway without coming in.

they also don't really see themself as A Human Person and have only really known either a solitary life of drifting or resolute loyalty to someone who only has selfish interests in mind, therefore it doesn't know how to live this sort of...domestic life and it didn't even think it wanted that until yarrow showed it that comfort is something grimm can have. but even if it knows it can have it, grimm still has a lto fo grief becuase it doesn't feel like it, an animal with blood on its hands, could ever do anything to deserve that, and that also feeds the restlesness and desire to run away, even when it knows it will only feel worse for doing so

yarrow's issues are more of a result of just being jaded with romantic relationships. he's consistently put in more effort with his partners than he has received in turn and is kind of fighting not to fall in love again because he doesn't want to endure yet another heartbreak, least of all with the person who left him to fuck off for five years (grimm does feel guilty about that and that fuels some of its self-punishment too). there's also subtle rejection/transphobia from past partners in the mix affecting his self-esteem, but more on that in a min. despite all that, he's softhearted and finds it difficult to fight his own feelings because he can't help but having some hope that just maybe, the past won't repeat itself and even though grimm left, they also came back like they promised. kinda just "i am doomed to give more than i can ever take and i don't know how much i have left to give, but i will do so anyways because i don't know how else to exist"

unlike grimm, they refuse to shut people out or close themself off, so it's not entirely obvious that he has any of these issues until most of grimm's problems have been confronted. yarrow also keeps that sort of stuff very close to their chest, so realistically i'm not sure how much anyone but grimm would find that out either

so you have grimm, who wants to just, be a person and live this life with yarrow, but it doesn't know how to do any of this and fucks up a lot in the process. and naturally, grimm doing shit like running off again (and coming back by that evening, but still) and constantly pulling away from affection makes yarrow feel like shit. even though he knows he has nothing to do with what grimm's going through, it's still setting off his rsd while he's trapped in this dilemma of "i have no reason to kick grimm out or cut things off and i genuinely love this person but at the same time they're indirectly hurting me and reopening old wounds." like sure, communicating does fix their problems to an extent, but it's mostly just like, time and patience, which makes it actually kind of tricky for me to accurately put a time frame of p2 until i actually finish writing things

and ALSO, because of how they do and don't deal with their various problems, this fascinating sort of switch happens between the two of them as they actually, finally settle into something they're happy to call a relationship and feel comfortable enough to have sex. where grimm WAS the one to punish itself and deny things mostly out of fear of being hurt, it isn't as much when it comes to sex (ofc they still do for above reasons, and trying to talk about it is mortifying at times bc it's still yarrow they want to fuck and taking off their clothes means not hiding that they're humod) but because they've had hookups and casual sex with people before there's an element of, "well i've already submitted to the mortifying ordeal of being known, it's not like showing you my dick is going to make anything worse". meanwhile yarrow, who has been pretty open and affectionate up until now is like "i'm stone and do not want to be touched during sex". kinda elaborated on some of this stuff here back in sept but there's been some development..? now yarrow is not actually stone per se (and my using of the term may change bc i don't want to invalidate ppl who are actually stone by having a character misusing the term), but has convinced themself that they feel enough sexual gratification through their partners to avoid confronting the fact that no one has made yarrow's pleasure a priority, instead they've internalized that as "while i am not disgusted with what i am, my body is fucking weird to everyone else and no one will actually find what i am attractive". so now GRIMM is the one who has to deal with desire and the rejection of those desires.

they're verse4verse so it's like, fine for awhile. eventually that comes to a head and they get over things and settle the fuck down but MAN it takes them a lot to get there. basically with how i envision honeybee, there are several plot-relevant sex scenes bc it's impossible to disentangle that from the wider developments the two of them have irt to intimacy and just. human connection and whatnot

but yeah all in all they're both products of their environments and relationships, and it's really fun to play with how they really do want to love each other, but there's a lot of pain they cause one another before they actually get to settle into something that's comfortable and fulfilling for the two of them, and that's JUST part 2. we're not even factoring in what happens after grimm's past and decisions come back to fuck things over for the both of them tee hee

[bondsmagii]

Please give me the forbidden Goncharov discourse 👀

so for context, this comes from a post by tumblr user lastoneout that reads:

turns out tumblr does have reading comprehension and the ability to analyze a complex text through multiple frameworks and have a nuanced discussion while doing so but apparently we were all saving it up to have nuanced discussions about a fake movie with no actual text to analyze

and then my tags on the post, which read:

#this is so funny but i maintain it's the only unrealistic thing about goncharov (1973) #like you mean to tell me the fandom on tumblr is this huge and yet there's not one hate blog? #there's not a core group of haters posting the most deranged piss on the poor shit in the tag? #no discourse? no anon hate? #christ but there's not a single poc in it come on tumblr i've not seen a single person get called a racist for liking it #this is a glimpse into what peace on planet earth would look like #(ironically i do have some deep analysis for why this might be but i will spare op lmao)

now forgive me if this makes no sense, because this is the first time I have tried to articulate it before, and of course in keeping with the theme it's about a fake movie (cinematic masterpiece Goncharov, (1973) dir. Martin Scorsese).

with the obvious out of the way first: Goncharov is a fictional movie, it does not exist, and therefore there it nothing to say about the real-world issues associated with lack of representation. this means we can skip that in actuality, though if we're looking at it from the perspective of a real movie and how it would be regarded on Tumblr, I'm sure that there would be related discourse. however, this is not real, so we can focus on the more entertaining, light-hearted sides of fandom. and this is universally what Goncharov posts were like: gifsets, fanart, humorous and well-written textual analysis, deep and pretentious photosets and quotes, everything that you love to see. but it was odd, in terms of realism, that there were no haters at all. which made me wonder: why are there haters when it comes to real things, but not when it comes to fake ones? part of this is what's mentioned above: in real life, there are some dynamics and trends and issues that can and do have a very real impact on society, or represent aspects of society that should change. but I can't help think it was something else, too.

I mentioned in my tags hate blogs specifically, because in real fandoms, you can easily find hate blogs that have absolutely nothing to do with any real, tangible criticism. it is just vitriolic hate: of a character, of a book/film, of an actor or actress involved, or some combination of these. there's no actual criticism, and very often there are massive feats of mental gymnastics used to make fans of [character] or [thing] look bad. it is just seething hatred, all directed towards something that is supposed to be entertainment; it's supposed to be fun! so why do some people take something harmless and make their entire personalities about hating it -- as well as spending significant parts of their day talking shit, getting into arguments, and even sending anon hate and threats to fans? it's because there are some people out there who like to hate things. they don't seem to like having fun. anything fun that comes their way, they have to pick holes in it; they have to have something negative to say to it. deep down, they know this is a very sad way to live. they know there's a difference between being a casual hater who likes to bitch about things in private with friends, or make the occasional joke or rant online -- and running a literal blog dedicated to hating something. they know there's a difference and they don't want to admit that they're losers, so they dress it up as something noble. these days, it's usually activism. this also explains the mental gymnastics, the reaches, the "fans of [character] are -ist or -phobic" shit. they're applying a thin coat of legitimacy to the fact that they're irrationally angry about something completely pointess, and there are a lot of people out there who seem to think this is a good and beneficial way to spend their time.

even among fans, there are some who seem to be having a bad time. I have looked at certain posts or blogs before and wondered to myself if the person even actually likes it, or if at this point they're just hostage to nostalgia or the idea of it (either the potential or their fan version of the universe) and they can't just call it quits. these people are not the same as the previously described, as they don't make their whole lives about hating something, but they're clearly miserable and could do with moving on, and they do contribute to the kinds of critical and often aggressive posts missing from the Goncharov project. the absence of this, as well as the more unhinged hatred, does leave a pretty obvious gap in the believability of the film's existence, and this is... rather depressing, really.

the thing that allowed Goncharov to be a peaceful experience was because of the fact that it wasn't real, and everyone knew it. but this should be applied to all films and books: they are not real. while some criticisms are valid (such as the terrible writing that female characters are often subject to, or the lack of representation in popular cinema, etc) a lot of the hate comes from interpersonal beef about characters, and these people aren't real. it's a very strange thing to witness: that so many people are capable of understanding that Goncahrov and Katya etc aren't real, and therefore there's no point getting mad about them, but they cannot carry that over to any other fictional character. the film's unreality is part of the joke, woven into it from the foundations, and so no hater, no matter how deranged, could possibly take themselves seriously hating it. instead they have to resort to complaining about the joke itself, and how annoying it is, but the content remains completely hater-free. it's an absolutely fascinating glimpse at the complete breakdown of the line between reality and fiction on this website -- Goncharov came from within, and its construction and creation was there for all to see, whereas other media seems to spring to the consumer fully formed and therefore with some kind of mystery that awards it a certain flair of legitimacy. I don't mean to say that anyone thinks it's real, but certainly they seem to think it's more serious, and worth getting worked up over. but none of it is real, none of it is worth getting worked up over, but for some reason it seems that when a creation comes from one's peers, this mystery is removed and the complete pointlessness and inanity of getting into fights online over fictional characters and events is illuminated in all its glory.

[vodid]

my toxic trait is looking at your art and thinking that i could do that too. everytime i try drawing Transformers it ends up lookin like a pile of metal that got ran over by two semi trucks blasted to cybertron and back then got the shit beaten out of it by Optimus Prime himself 😭

but fr though, how do you do it? like what kinds of shapes are they made of? how do all their weird alien metal parts move?

what may work for my style might not for you, as i've unfortunately learned through my years of yearning for/trying out another artist's skill, and that's okay. but i am very honored to be that kind of artist to you 💗 beating yourself up for not being like me won't help you, though 🥹 your art is great, regardless of if it looks like mine or not. i'm going on 7 years of doing this after all! (also i started with bayverse of all things 😵)

and honestly, a lot of it is just experimenting and finding what's right for you, what you need to improve/improvise on, and what you want out of your art. for me, i found that i have a very difficult time actually getting that sharp, blocky industrial style of robots down and eventually opted for a more organic, squishier look. but i do maintain their proportions as they're wildly different from a human's ghsdfsjs

you're already off to a great start doing exactly what i did to learn: redrawing screenshots from the shows. i learned most of what i know from tfp, with a lot of bayverse and g1 mixed in there. it took me about two years of that before i felt confident enough to start making original art consistently. it takes time (and tbf, i was still learning how to art in general when i started. so you really are off to a great start)

this is the kind of art i made in 2017:

massively different from my art now, right? through all these screenshots, i'd test out new ways to draw and color. at one point, every piece i made was trying something new. and it was okay if it didn't work out. means i know what not to do next time lol generally though, i'd NEVER do lineart. i mostly focused on building up my sketching and coloring skills, as seen here in my 2018 art:

and that kind of fucked me over for life so now i am left with painting over the sketch 😂 i digress though

in all honesty i've spent my entire art career figuring out how the fuck all their weird alien metal parts move 💀 a lot of it is BSing, some is recycling the same poses to make things easier on yourself and the rest is studying studying studying. cannot tell you the amount of times i've rewatched certain bayverse scenes frame by frame to figure out how all their parts move in tandem — i still don't know! 😅 g1 was a nightmare to figure out because of its blocky simplicity and limited range of motion. it's still a struggle to this day haha

it's really difficult how to explain how exactly i draw transformers, as it's just... something i do nowadays. there's not a ridiculous amount of thought put into it since i've built up my skill. but here's generally how i sketch their bodies and what shapes i use:

the first is slightly different as its a more detailed approach than g1 so just imagine the arms are a little rounder — "marshmallow," as my brother would call it — like the sketches in the second (even if those are a little more advanced in the process than the first)

my best advice to you is to learn their proportions and articulation via redrawing screenshots — various ones! i chose the most dynamic poses for my megatron practices in 2018 to nail it in my head lol but yes shows like tfp and earthspark are great for that (you could probably even do with looking at the storyboard animations for earthspark to help!)

and remember, i'm still learning too! i'm not gonna pretend like i know what i'm doing. but i'm glad i inspire you :)