#adhd hits hard

[huniipum]

[chronicbeans]

A random example of my mother and I talking about Alastor:

Me: Mom, this is my new hyperfixation and comfort character! He's a smol little demon deer man! I wanna have a queer platonic friendship with him! 😁

My Mom: You're "Smol little demon deer man" is currently EATING A DEER. RAW, TOO.

Me: HE'S DOING IT POLITELY THO-

*Cue my mom spending ten minutes talking about Hannibal Lector and comparing his eating habits to Alastor*

[foone]

I need more than infinite time. Like, give me a sideways timeline where I can spend forever on a specific project without time passing in the main world, but I don't need just one of those.

I need like five. I want to splinter into a bunch of different directions, all somehow at right angles to the timeline, only to slowly angle their ways back to this timeline and drop masterpieces of arbitrary amounts of work spent in these little atemporal cloisters

[vodid]

zero's pressure

[essektheylyss]

Look, I don't mean to be a broken record but my God, do you understand how much Essek's arc means to me?

Have you ever been so certain that there was one thing alone that you were meant to do, and you were encouraged to do it, and you put in the time and effort to learn and feel confident in it even beyond whatever measure of talent you'd started with, and then realized that no matter what your parents and your teachers said, the circumstances of the world were not going to let you do that? Have you ever had to leave the one place that had the resources and means to do that thing because those circumstances had become untenable and if you stayed you were going to be crushed under the weight of them? Have you spent years reckoning with the fact that you are so foundationally unsatisfied with anything else but you are not going to have this in the form you thought you'd have it, if at all, and instead had to force your way through appreciating the little things you do have—your partner and friends, who might not be there everyday but are there enough; what small work you can do, even if it's not exactly what you want to do, but it helps someone; the fact that there is a garden that you can tend to and cats to pet—and hope that those small things can amount to enough that the void that lives in you feels small enough to ignore? Have you found yourself surprised to realize that, while that will never quell it entirely, you can have that thing in piecemeal sometimes and maybe one day you'll have it again, and in the meantime somehow, miraculously, the rest is enough?

Like, do you get it? Does anyone hear me?

[queencaramilflinda]

Oh god the compulsive need to make a definitive timeline of Fantasy High fuck

[lightningidle]

Fig's line "I don't think I'm an artist, I think I'm just a good friend" has not left my head at all. Just...

You're Fig Faeth and your horns came in over the summer and you pick up the bard class as a form of adolescent rock 'n' roll rebellion, and it works! It's exactly the outlet you need! You give a guy you just met drumsticks and you start a band and it's good enough that within a year and a half you're touring. You are, in every sense, good at being a bard.

And then, finally, your junior year, you start to take it seriously. Your art goes from an outlet and a form of rebellion to a practice. A discipline. (Can rebellion exist within a discipline?) Your classmates know what they want to do with their work. They all have a thesis statement. And yeah, there's cohesion in the music you make, but you've never had to think about why you make it. You've never sat down and dissected what it is about bass that speaks to you. You've never poured over your lyrics to pick at any deeper meaning. Why should you? You don't play music for a grand design, you do it to... huh, why do you do it?

(Your art is the one form of self-expression that feels as safe as Disguise Self does, because even if you're pouring your heart onto the page and then screaming it in front of thousands of people, it's not like you're really making yourself known. You can sing I'm lonely, I'm scared, I'm furious, and your fans will sing it right back, and there will still be the distance between performer and audience to keep your heart safe.)

Now you're being asked to look inward to explain the artistic choices you're making, and you can't help but recoil at that, because you'd rather do anything than look inward. Meanwhile, your classmates have no problem with it, so you start to wonder if you're a real artist at all. Can your art be authentic if it only exists to bolster a thesis statement? Has your art been unauthentic this whole time because you've never really thought about a thesis statement before? Is that what makes it art, and not just the next track on somebody's teen angst playlist?

You can't think about yourself— acknowledging your own existence makes you want to puke. So if your music is an extension of yourself, (and it is, even if it's just because the spotlight reveals only what you want it to,) you can't think about your music. You can't. You have to. Your grade depends on it.

You're Fig Faeth, and you keep multiclassing because you'd rather be a good friend than a great artist. If introspection is what great art demands, then fuck it. You must not be a bard at all.

[sentientsky]

i’ve been terrible at replying to people lately. i feel so guilty, but how the hell am I supposed to explain that i’ve been flaky because i can't stop thinking ab two fictional immortal losers that spend two seasons of a tv show and 5 and a half odd million years just homoerotically gazing at one another and yearning???

[deoidesign]

.

[that-butch-archivist]

1 out of 4 accelerated summer courses finished today. Next to go is Chem.

[applegameisprollytaken]

I have been putting off writing this for too long.

But, due to recent events... Might as well.

My mental health is in the shit. For the past few years, shit kept happening, and I pretended I was fine.

I got Tumblr less than a year ago, and planned to just post funny shit and get my dopamine hits by the few people nice enough to reblog my bullshit.

That kinda happened. But shit just got worse. Depression is a hell of a thing. So I got more dependent on what I already knew worked, but at this point, I just want to die. I always feel like a fuck-up that ruins everything I touch. But, you know what? I'm trying. But I want people to KNOW I'm trying. To know how hard I'm trying to keep it together. To know how hard it is to not let this affect everything else.

But, honestly, I just need someone to notice me. The things I made. Not my stolen jokes, not my glorified conversations. I want people to see what I spend so long on, and what I am so proud of.

I want people to see me for what I am, and what I'm trying to be.

I have tried therapy. I have tried everything you can think of.

None of it works.

I keep trying.

But none of this means I will stop. Wanna know why?

Because I know that there is always something trying to cause my downfall, and I'm spite fucking incarnate.

depression getting me to want to kill myself? its gonna have to shut down my liver like a REAL illness, because fuck you.

Anxiety got me thinking everyone is against me? I'LL JUST BE BETTER THAN THEM! Can't judge someone for being objectively better!

ADHD got me feeling like I can't do anything I usually love? Well, fuck you, I'm gonna do it anyways.

Life trying to throw another spanner in the works? I'm gonna keep on chugging, just to prove a FUCKIN POINT.

I AM SPITE INCARNATE. FUCK YOU ALL, IM GOING TO KEEP GOING.

GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT. I'VE ALWAYS BEEN READY FOR IT, FUCKFACE.

[gojous-adderall]

About Noé's latest neurodivergent adventures (chapter 61.5 and 62)

(things I found relatable)

1. PUTTING UR HAND UP BC U CANT FIGURE OUT WHEN TO SPEAK. EVERYONE THINKS UR WEIRD FOR IT BUT ITS POLITE AND LIFE IS FUCKING HARD

2. Struggling to follow conversation, and seeing clearer ways of communication that no one else can and getting frustrated that the neurotypicals are so obviously communicating poorly

3. Vanitas designated translator

4. Being quite blind to politics (when it comes to discrimination against himself as a vampire [and his PRIVILEGES as a vampire] and in this case against others like dhams) bc he works individual by individual instead of by social categories

5. Last of all it hurts to see the other characters calling him ignorant and an idiot all the time bc Ive been there. He's booksmart, he's intelligent, just not socially, but here is everyone writing him off as dumb just bc he's different.

Its not like he's ignorant on purpose. Of course it's important to know this shit he's learning now, and it can be done, but it's a lot harder when ur autistic and, as Vanitas said, when u grow up so isolated. Learning is a neverending process and Noé is very clearly learning and just bc he works differently like putting his hand up to speak or interpreting the world differently doesn't mean he's stupid

[once-in-a-harvest-moon]

the further i go, the colder it becomes. if only my blanket wasn't torn to shreds, i can barely handle walking here now....

[kitriverswrites]

not lucky living in my head rent free every second of everyday 💖💫

[blackbackedjackal]

He didn't have to be so perfect, but he was ;;

[quins-makeshift-menagerie]

All the line art’s done so I finished what I wanted to do today but damn I’ve been working since 8am my time and it’s now about 12pm nonSTOP

I need some mac and cheese