#after posting: it also does not help that I've been exhausted physically and mentally for a good while. but hey what can you do

[slumbergoblin]

hey

[fandomfluffandfuck]

Hiya, S! Not sure if you're still taking requests but, I had a little idea-

Steve has been working himself too hard, both physically and mentally for weeks now and Bucky has finally had enough and has to go pry him from the gym and sort of force him to relax.. the method he uses exactly is completely up to you.. fluffy or smutty, It doesn't matter. But Steve is kind of denying it all, I haven't been overworking, I haven't been tired at all yada yada, his whole 'I don't need help' shtick so Bucky has to be a little more assertive.

Luv ya! Stay awesome <3

I am still taking requests for right now! And I've been doing a lot, lot of smut recently so I'll take the opportunity to go in the other direction for this if you don't mind.

And thanks!!

So... this is basically the angsty, then fluffy version of this scene 👇🏻 that I wish we got

Warning for Steve being self-destructive, actively self-harming, and, just, in a downward spiral that Bucky helps coax him out of. This sounds super angsty but it ends with fluff, I promise!

Bucky knows when he wakes up alone, just a scant few hours after the post-mission crash dropped them at home, finally back in their very own bed, that he will be able to find Steve down the Tower's gym. Bucky knows this, feeling it down to his bones. Sometimes, he thinks he knows Steve better than he knows himself, and he isn't sure if he should be prideful of knowing his best guy so well, or, if he should be concerned with his knowledge and memory of himself. Either way, even though he knows Steve is down in the gym--beating the shit out of his knuckles with an unrested, already battered body, beating that body in favorite of lying still and letting his mind run in exhausted circles like a snake looping back on itself to swallow it's own tail--Bucky makes sure to check everywhere else first.

He doesn't feel like riding the elevator all the way to the roof, so he asks JARVIS to assure him Steve isn't up there. JARVIS would've waken Bucky to let him know of Steve's whereabouts if he ended up there, regardless, but it can't hurt to double-check. Next, Bucky lifts his weary body from bed to dip his head into the bathroom. No Steve there. Then, he pads, as light on his feet as a cat, to their dark kitchen. No Steve there, either. Bucky sets his hands on the kitchen counter, looking into their open-plan living room. Steve also isn't there, sheltering on the couch, wrapped in blankets, quivering and pretending he isn't, thinking he can "protect" Bucky from witnessing another nightmare (really hiding away from Bucky because he, sometimes, somehow, still gets embarrassed even though Bucky has seen him in every state and never finds him lacking). No Steve anywhere in the apartment.

So, the gym it is.

Without stopping to dress himself any further or do anything at all, Bucky walks out of their apartment on their floor of the Tower into the elevator. He doesn't need to softly request the gym floor. JARVIS already knows. He always does.

"Thanks, J," Bucky murmurs tiredly, standing idle as the doors shut in front of him.

In no time whatsoever, Bucky can hear Steve--thank you Nazi fucks, you absolute monsters, for the super hearing--before he's even left the elevator. It's still descending. Barefoot and in nothing more than a pair of boxer briefs, Bucky leans his forehead against the mirrored wall of the lift, sighing to himself at its cool touch. He prepares himself, tapping his metal fingers against the glass, thinking.

Planning.

What, oh, what am I gonna do with you, Stevie?

He's not upset with Steve. Not really. He's upset with the part of Steve that can't stop. The part that insists he grit his teeth and bare the world's pain and injustice and suffer it all himself as if he has no choice but to do it alone. There's more to Steve than that part, but also, if he didn't have that part of himself, he wouldn't be himself, would he? And so... it's a twisted game. The lynx and rabbit. Chasing.

Forever and ever.

Bucky doesn't know if he's the rabbit or the lynx. He doesn't know if he's either at all. He may be the hunter observing from the outside, not yet sure if he wants to intervene, and certainly not sure who he's going to point his shotgun at. Maybe neither. It hurts to see nature run her cruel course. But what is the alternative? Disrupt? Distract? Should he shout and scare both creatures, leaving them to scurry off with racing hearts? What can he do? What should he do?

The sound of thin flesh and ill-protected bone--just knuckles--against firm, unforgiving leather--a heavy boxing bag--rings in his ears. Ding! A new sound enters his mind. He's here.

Bucky takes one last fortifying breath, not because he's exhausted, not because he doesn't want to deal with Steve, and not for any reason but the scene he knows he's about to walk in on--his best friend, his lover, his everything hurting himself.

Beating himself up. Literally.

Still, Bucky goes.

The pain of seeing it can not be worse than the pain of knowing it's happening and doing nothing to intervene. This is not how it has to be. This is not the natural order. Cruel and sacrificial. Bucky will do something to stop it.

And that something is interrupting Steve in the middle of a particularly brutal assault--on himself and the bag hanging from the ceiling. There's a pile of them waiting to be hung, a grim fate; there's a pile of already strangled bags punched across the gym, spreading deserts of sand between Steve and his own worst thoughts, represented by those bags he brutalized. Steve is slick with sweat like an oil spill, and the smell of grief is coming off of him in feet-sweeping waves. His bangs hang over his forehead, sticking to his skin, gritty and darkened by moisture.

And, God, beneath that bent halo of hair, despite the healthy pink flush covering his face from sweat-beaded hairline to the hem of his shirt, he looks... there is no kind way to say it, Bucky must just say it: Steve looks gaunt. His cheeks are sunken, as are his eyes. With all the sweat coating his weary skin, soaking into his clothes that shroud him, it's no wonder why. He's dehydrated as fuck. Running himself ragged from beyond the blood soaked into his boxing wraps.

And those wraps, Jesus, they're sloppy. Careless. Obviously hurried and barely to be bothered with. They might've started tighter, but Bucky knows at no point were they neat and proper. Steve wouldn't've had the patience. It's a miracle, really, that he's got any on at all. Bucky's seen him go at it bare knuckle until he's ground down to his bones.

Loudly, Bucky clears his throat. But he doesn't make a noise until he's circled Steve so he's in his line of sight. Standing in front of him but just out of the possible path of another exploding punching bag. He doesn't want to stand in his blindspot at a time like this.

The sound of another person joining him jerks Steve into awareness rather than boiling rage and a million other nameless emotions. He comes up from the tempest that was fueling his flurry of devasting, full-weight-and-strength punches that may be enough to wrench his own arms out from their sockets. He freezes so suddenly, caught red-handed, metaphorically and literally, that it looks painful. Such explosive motion to none whatsoever. His chest won't even heave.

He is a grievous statue.

And, his audience, Bucky chooses to say nothing about what he's been caught doing. He won't demand that Steve stop. He won't try to sweet talk him and coax him out of it and back to bed. He won't plead with Steve to stop, hanging off of his shaking, lactic-acid-burning arms. None of those will work when he's so fucking worked up. Bucky can sense it even while he holds himself so perfectly still. He is not moving but he is still vibrating--trembling without trembling, poised to come crashing down sooner or later. The best Bucky knows, is to let him do this, and then be here to catch him.

So, the words that come are sleep-rusty and short, jerking his head to the pile of supplies next to Steve--he's going to wrap his own hands and Steve better re-wrap his while he does.

His bloody knuckles won't stop bleeding if they're going to go toe to toe, and it's not like his dirty bandages are going to do much, it'd take a hell of a lot more than that to penetrate the serum's defenced and give him an infection, but that isn't the point. The point is to hammer home that Steve's body needs to be protected. Still. Even like this. Big, broad, and strong. Especially like this. So fucking tense that he can only relinquish himself to brutal strength or no movement whatsoever. There is no in between. If he tries, he'll break. There can be no weakness.

Bucky will give him the space to find his weakness and then will welcome it with open arms.

So, they box. Knuckles to knuckles. Punch after punch is thrown. Each hit from Steve gets stronger until he's back to nearly damaging himself with the brutality of his own strength, his spirit more than his flesh and blood can take--the way it always has been.

At some point, sinking back into the raging sea of his mind, dropping out of reality itself, Steve's upper lip curls into an ugly snarl and he throws in a kick. Bucky dodges and fakes him out to lure him from the hardwood flooring of the gym where he was wailing on heavyweight bags to the squishy mats in the corner meant for partner sparring.

Once there, he can work through tiring Steve out. Grappling. Kicking. Sweeping his feet out from under him. Taking him to the floor. Pinning him. Punching him. Letting him squirm out of a headlock just to throw him back down. Twisting. Punching. Using everything he's got.

Knuckles to knuckles well past the point of Steve's blood soaking his fresh wraps. Steve's scarlet blood seeps into the white of his own wraps bit also Bucky's. Painting them both with his pain. Bucky will gladly shoulder some of it for him. Always. Forever.

Punch. Kick. Punch. Punch. Kick. Knock down. Grapple. Get up. Punch. Punch. Kick. Punch. Punch. Kick. Knock down. Grapple. Get up. Punch.Punch.KickPunchPunchKickKnockdowngrapplegetuppunchpunchkickpunchpunchkickgrapplepunchpunchkickpunchpunchkickgrapplepunch--

On and on, Steve goes like a wind up toy.

All action until he can't be anymore. It's sudden. And it's right fucking then when he has no more energy, no more effort left inside him, that he withers and wilts. No matter, Bucky can see it coming a mile away from how his combos get sloppy, slower and less offensive, more drawn in and defensive, to how his breathing stutters, going from disciplined and practiced to something of sobs barely reined in with a lash ditch bit of effort to hide how hard he's about to crash. He can't stay on edge forever, though. And when he crashes and burns, Bucky swoops in, not to bunny punch him, popping him with a flurry of hits, but to catch him before he can fall flat on his face.

Bucky won't even let his knees touch the ground, gathering him up with ease. Bucky is so fucking grateful for the few couple of hours he has on Steve, keeping him from being just as exhausted and muddy-headed.

Still, not just because he can think but because he knows this dance so well, it's awful. Awfully hard and heart-wrenching, the way Steve curls into him after collapsing to the floor without a sound of warning. No pleading for mercy. No bloody scream of never being able to do it all--to save them all. Nothing. Just a tight little ball of agony willing to go to the grave suffering before he admits he's struggling. A martyr like no other.

In his hold, Steve clenches his body so tight just the same way he had when he was first caught. Now, he's caught in a different way--caught between trying to fight back the shakes and wanting to shake so violently that he becomes nothing but dust. He's so fucking close to breaking entirely. Barely out of reach of giving way to body-wracking sobs, gasping for breath, tears pouring down his face, snot leaking from his body, and choking on guilt he doesn't deserve to harbor.

Oh, Steve.

Slowly, carefully, Bucky lowers his precious cargo of Steve to the floor, sinking them both into the squishy mats where he can wrap Steve up in his arms more fully and hold him together while he cries it out. Frustration. Rage. Sadness. Depression. Confusion as to why him. Why this? Liability. Bloodstained guilt. Every negative emotion, simple to overpowering and all of it bleeding out of him until he's limp and impossibly more dehydrated than he already was.

He is a husk, empty and thin, and Bucky still loves him. Overwhelmingly so, he loves him. He loves him bad.

Bucky pats and rubs and soothes his hand over his back, the other arm still slung tightly around him to keep him held, until his muscles actually start to get sore. Bucky doesn't care, it's a small thing to weather. There is worse. There will be worse. He will be there for him then, too.

He's stopped counting Steve's heaving, stuttering breaths, but after a handful more, he aches to yawn. He won't. Instead, he swallows the involuntary, nonverbal language of his body down, taking it deep into his chest and tucking it away for later. He'll never be too tired to take care of Steve.

Steve.

Steve with his head is in his lap, his face pressed tightly up against his stomach. He's out of tears. Bled dry. His lungs don't even have it in them to suck in huge, unsteady breaths. His whiffling breaths feel like they're painting Bucky's skin with condensation, humid and heavy with emotion.

"Ready for bed?" Bucky whispers when Steve's hands go limp around his waist, so drained not only can he not cry, not hyperventilate, but he also can't cling on. He combs a hand through his matted, sweat-soaked hair. They both smell like shit; they look like shit, too.

Steve tries to answer him, but his voice is shot to shit from all the crying, and all that will some out is a creaky little rasp that doesn't sound like anything. So, he nods, the motion tiny and admitting of how exhaustion tugs at his bones. There is no fight left in him.

"Okay, then, honey bee, let's get you to bed," Bucky murmurs, not thinking about anything but getting Steve home. He doesn't let the ache in his muscles mean anything as he lifts him up bridal style and starts determinedly toward the elevator. He's careful with him. He's still made of muscle and bone, but Bucky knows he's eggshell fragile beneath thick, unblemished skin. He's an illusion and everyone else is fooled, but Bucky refuses to be. "Bet you're tired, huh? Long day." Bucky is saying it to say it. He's talking. He knows Steve finds comfort in his voice. Sometimes, that's the only thing he can do for Steve, not chase him around and tire him out, but talk to him until he comes down.

So, really, he's not expecting Steve to nod again, but, Lord in heaven above, he does.

Small victories in a war, or, really, a miracle.

Bucky smiles as they step into the elevator, "yeah, baby, I know, I know. You gotta be tired. Anyone would be. I don't really know how you were still on your feet, dollface. You were running on fumes. You deserve a good, long sleep with sweet dreams, Stevie."

"Yeah?" Steve's voice is rust and nails, painful to hear but risking talking because he has to. He sounds so urgently in need of reassurance that Bucky can't take it.

"'Course, honey," he warms, squeezing him tighter in his arms, "and if the dreams don't come, I'll sing to you until they do, 'kay? Like I used to."

"M'kay," Steve says, somewhere between miserably and totally relieved, wrapped around him with both fists curled over his shoulders and that blonde head buried in his chest.

Bucky will hold him; Bucky will sing to him; Bucky will be his--Steve Rogers, not Captain America's--shield.

[once-upon-an-imagine]

It's been a very long week and it being that time of the month definitely did not help 😂 I've had more mood swings than I felt in a while and I am so exhausted! so I am going to bed but I want to write and update Smile this weekend but I only have a few sentences and ideas written down so far (anyone who wants to come into my inbox with suggestions or ideas is more than welcome!)

I also have some stories that I already started and are either half-way there or literally only one part missing 😂 so I wanna try writing one of those next!

thank you for always voting and for all your patience and love, dearies! summaries   and descriptions of each request are below!

Argyle - Cielito Lindo

[Byers!Reader] Argyle is staying with your family when his parents are out of town. You know he’s been feeling down because he has to celebrate his birthday without them. So, you try to do something to cheer him up. (Sequel to Build Me Up, Buttercup) [Not requested]

Billy Hargrove - A Little Death

Anonymous - Where the reader is known to break hearts. Not because its fun for her but she does it to protect herself and the person. She is convinced that whoever gets close to her heart either ends up hurting her or she ends up hurting them so she always ends it by leaving them - ultimately hurting them before they can hurt her. When Billy starts getting interested in her and she suddenly leaves just when he thought things were going good, he doesn’t back down to find out why and once he does he makes it his mission to show her that he is there to stay and protect, despite being known for leaving and destroying. 2. Anonymous - since you are taking requests, could i request a Billy fic with the following prompts from the prompt list you talked about in your latest post ? “Wake up. You have to wake up. Please. For me.” “Just, please don’t leave me.” “I don’t want you to die for me. I want you to live for me.” + “As you begin to fall asleep, you feel a gentle kiss pressed to your temple and a blanket draped over you.”

Billy Hargrove - RIP, Love

1. Anonymous - Where the reader breaks up with Billy because he has been toxic and Billy goes and tries to find love in other women. But he gets frustrated because they don’t touch him (physically and mentally) the way the reader always did. He gets angry trying to teach them but none come close to the actual thing until he gets so frustrated that he crawls back to her and tries everything to fix it. 2. Anonymous - “I feel like I’m falling apart.” with Billy Hargrove?

Billy Hargrove - Highway To Hell

[Munson!Reader] When you are tired of your brother and your boyfriend arguing all the time, you come up with a plan that finally makes them work together and at least not murder each other.

Steve Harrington & Eddie Munson - Pink Shirt

This was not requested is just a small thought I had based on the fourth pic of this post

Steve Harrington & Eddie Munson - Any Way You Want It

Against your boyfriends’ wishes, you decide it’s what’s best for everyone if you are the bait for Vecna. You stay back in the attic with Max and Lucas. Steve and Eddie try to make it back as quickly as they can but it might be too late. (Warning: reader is cursed by Vecna and gets hurt) [I have renamed this story like 50 times 😂 ]

Steve Harrington & Eddie Munson - Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now

Everyone in your group could feel the sexual tension between you, Steve, and Eddie. Which is probably why they all ganged up and planned to have the three of you share a bed to see if you would finally admit your feelings. 

Steve Harrington & Eddie Munson - A Sunday Kind Of Love

For six months, you had been fine with having a secret relationship with Steve Harrington and Eddie Munson. But that changes when a very special day for you approaches and you want them both by your side and for that to happen, a few rules might get broken. [Not Requested]

Sirius Black - Just Give Me A Reason (Ch5)

[Snape!Reader] Coming back for another year in Hogwarts meant you and your brother were away from your worst tormentor. But when your school tormentor finds out about it, things are about to change and you are not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. (Warning: mentions of abuse)

Charlie Weasley - Jaded (Ch2)

Charlie Weasley had been the biggest pain in the ass for the majority of your life. Especially now that you had to survive two weeks with him, and four dragons.

Evan Buckley - Brave

[Not requested] something I’ve been thinking of where Evan notices something’s making you upset when you reveal your new haircut to the team and it leads to some confessions (a bit angsty but happy ending)

[lionheartapothecaryx]

Wake up it’s the 1st of the month …. 3/1/24

Happy Venus Day 💕 Life Update

As a black, neuro spicy love witch, I’ve always struggled a bit with the shop, blog, group and managing a business especially when I'm not in a creative space but finally I've been inspired again.

So let me reintroduce myself again. I started this blog almost 4 yrs ago and it took off really quickly, gaining lots of followers overnight. This was right around COVID and there was a renewed interest in Hoodoo and love magick around that time. I’ve mainly posted vintage photos, wrote articles and shared spells and had so much fun interacting with all of you.

I started off 2023, grieving a difficult breakup and reflecting on lessons learned about myself, my former relationship, his spiraling addiction and uncertainty about the future. On top of that, I got to the point where I quit working at my high paying but super intense civilian job that was leaving me constantly exhausted, giving me severe panic attacks and driving me crazy.

I decided to take a sabbatical and reconnect with my body, self and my craft. I’ve always struggled a bit with imposter syndrome and the past few months have been difficult but healing for me as I reconnected with spirit, the elements and my spiritual allies. I finally got my spark back and found a good creative space after working with the spirits of Mercury and Venus.

Some of that inspiration has come in the form of creating new spell oils. The past few months I’ve had multiple recipes come to me repeatedly. After struggling to figure out the logistics, finally I can start testing oils out on myself and a few other volunteers before I place them in the shop. It’s been such a cool but confusing process, I wanted to share with all of you, if you still care 🤣 what I’ve been up to.

The first spell oil that I’ve been working is called Love Uncrossing, inspired by myself, other women, friends, clients, SW’s, crazy experiences and some of the strongest people I know. In traditional Hoodoo, an uncrossing is used to spiritually repair and fix an situation or individual with crossed conditions. To be crossed is to be blocked up, stagnant, unlucky, jinxed or even hexed. As a practitioner for hire, I’ve come across crossed conditions for love work so often, I know it’s fairly common.

Experience has taught me as a devotee of Venus/Aphrodite and the Venusian Arts that real genuine love doesn’t always come easily for everyone. Life is full of wonders but often unfair. Whether it’s the grief of a bad breakup, the intense pain of heartbreak, aggravating soul ties, deep traumas, negative cords an attachments or simply never ending bad luck, love does not play fair … but it can be.

For my SW’s friends who regularly work the club, do other forms of s-work or are ex industry, I’ve found that protecting and clearing the sacral, life force energy regularly can protect your spirit, energy and mental health, shielding you from intense burnout. I’ve charged the oil to assist with this. Even if you aren’t in the industry though, regularly cleansing and protecting your life force/ sacral energy can help with bringing you more balance and stability, within yourself and others.

For survivors of SA & abuse (physical, emotional, and s*xual) this oil is also spelled to assist with healing and overcoming any traumas associated with that. As a survivor myself, I understand the unique difficulties that come with processing light and heavy traumas, so I worked hard to create a spiritual blend that covers a variety of issues.

*** this is not intended to be a substitute for proper mental health services. Item is intended as curio only.

After carefully gathering the right herbs, I’ve been crafting and charging the oil for the past few days.

I wanted to create something energetically restorative, with abundant free flowing energy, that also cleared stagnant energy. It needed to be cleansing but also help with dissolving blockages in all matters of love and relationships. Than the oil was imbued with strong protections. I found this part to be really important because it’s easy to be re-traumatized, especially if you’re dealing with heavy traumas which sets you back and impedes your progress and healing process. It’s kinda like picking at or having a scab ripped off accidentally. Likewise if you want the best results in love magick, you can’t leave it up to chance.

The last thing I did was enchant the oil to cut and clear out any negative cords, soul ties and spiritual attachments and then spell it with a soothing potent healing energy using the highest quality lavender and other herbs so the healing process wouldn’t be super painful or stressful.

For those who are spiritually sensitive like myself, spiritual hygiene is a important part of our regular routine. The oil will serve as a multipurpose spiritual primer, to remove, cleanse, heal, attract and grow more love for themselves and genuine love from others. It can be used generally, to maintain your spiritual hygiene in all matters of love and relationships or be set for a variety of aforementioned intentions. The oil is blended to work on five spiritual levels, the auraric field, soul, energetic/sacral/lifeforce, mental, and physical.

I hyper focused on this project because I want you guys to love it as much as I do. I also wanted to give something back to the community, I cherish. I know you guys appreciate my passion and attention to detail.

Before launching the spell oil, it will be beta tested on myself and a few other volunteers.

Thanks for reading and catching up with me. What do you think ? Is this oil something you need ?

Shoutout to my spirit team for sending me the downloads and recipes.

With Love, Gratitude & Magick

Lyonessa 💕

aka The HoodooBarbie

[marco--the--phoenix]

I deleted my old vent blog. But I gotta gwt this out.

Tw: depression - eating disorder- personal - mental health - suicide - financial issues - chronic illness

For 5 years we have lived on bare minimum. Sometimes we can do the odd nice thing here or there but it'll drain us.

Every month is a making ends meet kinda month and sometimes we go without very often.

One meal a day, I go without phone service or unable to leave the house.

It's not even our fault. Wife works full time, I can't work due to both mental and physical health.

I am so unbelievablely grateful to friends who help us out when there's a struggle but I feel so bad every time.

I'm almost 40 and I don't have the means to look after myself. I'm not the worst off person in the world but I'm fucming struggling.

I had an ED that almost killed me many years ago and it permanently crashed my body. I have a dangerous autoimmune disease that's almost killed me once already.

It's agony, my joints lock up, I've been paralysed in pain by arthritis brought on by it. My skin hurts and aches and burns all the time.

I can barely move. I ooze and feel gross and stick to things and feel ugly and gross and vile

My mental health is bad despite being medicated. My adhd is wild and the two have caused me to loose all momentum in myife. I was once in control and on top of everything and now I'm drowning.

I try not to vent to people. So used to being punished for venting rhat I'm terrified if people saw the real deph of what I'm feeling I'd loose them.

I'm sick of money lasting a second. We do like ONE nice thing a month together and even then it's far from wild or much money. We treat ourselves to a little something but like.. a £5 sketch from a friend or a third store shirt for £7 but cus we are so broke all the time and need help it feels shitty to do.

It's bad, all the time.

This month I already have £70 left to live and I've not paid for my phone yet. That 70 I'd for food, travel, anything.

We had to use money we saved for my birthday in March and their upcoming birthday just to make it to the end of every month.

We don't have family or a support network where we live.

I know staying at home doesn't seem like a big deal but reason I made a habit of going with wife to their place of work was because of me not being safe.

We've both worked hard, really hard to start out stores and try sell but it's very disheartening that despite all the effort and hard work no ones biting.

I'm so scared of being a burden to people that I clam up. I've pulled away so much from people already that I'm worried I'm not good enough any more for them.

It's all jealous icky arlf doubting feelings drowning me but I'm tired.

I started chemotherapy again for my illness but had to come off for antibiotics for an ear infection.

Chemotherapy makes me feel sick, tired, awful and without it my body attacks itself.

We are trying to go on a trip this June. Just to another city and we put money we couldn't afford towards it but I for one need a break, need something nice to look forward to, something to keep me fucking going.

I don't want to die, I just want life to be better but I've been strong all my life and I'm so weak these days cus I can't find mental or psychical strength.

I try hard to be there for others, be a good person, look on the bright side but I'm so so fucking exhausted.

I've waited years after year for things to get better. I'm not a negative person I've just been beat over the head so many times.

I'm finally letting myself cry and crumble but I'm close to breaking.

I wish I didn't feel guilty or selfish or bad for having these feelings but I do and I implode.

I just wish it was all easier.

I hope people who read this don't change their view on me or ditch me. I'm so tired and scared and hurting.

I also didn't make this post to beg for money but if there is anyone out there who could just help a little it really does help.

My P @ y p@l is corazon_x_law@yahoo.co.uk (op people it's not a ship. This was back when x didn't mean a ship dhdhdbdhd)

Or my kofi is https://ko-fi.com/cyborgfranky

It's 5am and I sat crying on the toilet like a loser.

I feel better for screaming here but.. damn.

[crybabypupper]

Hii!! I just saw your post of little mordecai and you are absolutely right. do you be any chance have any other little headcanons for him? I've been headcanoning him as a regressor ever since I saw him and I would love to hear your thoughts!! (also viktor as his caregiver give my heart so much joy ;^;) I hope your having a good day/night!!! <33333

(I think I forgot a bunch of them, which is why I really need to be better about writing them down, but here is my attempt at recollection.)

Mordecai would definitely be a padded regressor, except whenever he needs a change he would freak out a little bit. He really, really doesn't want to feel unclean, as it's a trigger for him. And yet, he also really hates baths, but his cg has probably tried to find ways to make them more comfortable for him.

He drinks from bottles sometimes, and whenever he does, his ears start wiggling like a little kitten. In regards to food, he pretty much eats the same way he normally would, except with extra treats.

He's always exhausted, so he needs a lot of naps. However, he tries to refuse them, because he'd rather stay busy. After a bit of coaxing, though, he'll gladly fall asleep.

He his adamant about storytime, no exceptions. He doesn't like the typical baby books, though. He'd actually rather hear his cg read books like "The Wind In the Willows", and other more complex stories. Even while regressed, his brain is still very active.

I think his levels of physical affection range from not physically affectionate at all to pretty physically affectionate. However, he's rarely ever super clingy, even when he has nightmares. He has a lot of nightmares, though, so he prefers sleeping in his cg's bed, even he's not cuddling with them.

I think he would regress mostly involuntarily, because he doesn't actually like being an age regressor. However, it has helped out his mental health a lot, and it is a break from all of the tasks he completes during the day.

I think that's all of them, for now. I'll probably add more later if I think of any.

[s0ngsandstars]

hiya!! 1, 6, and 8 for the disability ask game, if you haven't already done them :3c

Putting it all under a read more because I do a lot of talking and I forgot how Tumblr deals with long posts. sdkjdfjgkdgn Also I apologize for how negative the last question turned out.

1. What disability/ies do you have? (and are they mental, physical, or both?)

Mental health wise I'm an absolute wreck. The things I consider disabling are DID (mostly the dissociation, I like my headmates), OCD, ADHD, Agoraphobia, Depression, and social anxiety that I heavily suspect is actually AvPD. C-PTSD is also awful, but it's like. Not as bad as the other stuff in terms of how much of my life and time is taken by it. Also like, all the sensory issues that come with being autistic is just awful. Other things too, but like. mostly just more anxiety stuff. sdkjndfgkjngjn I am a very anxious human being.

Physically I have FND (it manifests primarily as movement problems, and sometimes takes away my ability to move some or even all of my limbs entirely, though most usually my legs), arthritis, something related to hypermobility, and I heavily suspect POTS, but my doctors won't test me for it. *makes a peace sign* Also I'm deficient in vitamin D but my doctors won't prescribe me anything for it (idek why, it's been brushed aside like 3 times though even though it's been deficient for multiple tests of it). *makes a second peace sign* I also have glasses because I'm moderately near-sighted, but that's a very common thing.

I also have GERD and don't have a gallbladder, so food hates me sometimes, but that's like. So mild in comparison to other things. The worst part about that is that I have to wait a few hours before going to sleep after eating or I'll get sick. I almost forgot, I have NAFLD and so I'm banned from alcohol, even though I've never gotten drunk in my life, so that's a missed opportunity.

Probably something else I'm forgetting but, eh. sdkjndfgljdgn

6. What’s something good that’s come out of being disabled?

I feel like I'm more understanding of people? Like, it's definitely helped me with being more readily accepting of other people's experiences.

Also can I count synesthesia as a sometimes positive to my senses being fucked? Some sounds smell wonderful. I love the colors I see for people and things. Like, yeah some sounds can smell literally like burning rubber, but other sounds can smell like chocolate or sour candy or mint chocolate-chip ice cream, etc. etc. and it's lovely.

Fun thing too is my cane can double as a weapon if I need it to. So like, that's kind of neat.

8. Does your disability affect how you experience other parts of your identity? (gender, queerness, culture, even hobbies/life goals you’re very passionate about)

Yeah, definitely. DID made gender and attraction rather difficult to figure out, because of the bleed through of others' emotions and like blending etc. I went through quite a journey before deciding on just non-binary for gender. AroAce was also tricky to figure out, but I got there eventually. But I'm really happy with it, and now it's like, one of those questions I can answer if we're really dissociated and trying to figure out who's out. Narrows it down a little if I can answer the gender/sexuality questions. Not a whole lot cause we're polyfragmented, but hey, we'll get there eventually. sdkjndfgkjn

As for gender expression, I can't wear some things that I really want to. Like my movement issues make wearing certain shoes potentially dangerous, and I can't be in long or tight skirts. I don't have the energy to put on makeup any time I want to.

And it definitely effects my hobbies. I don't have the energy to draw most of the time now, and when I do I can only do it for short bits at a time. It's really frustrating, because I want to, I want to so much, but as soon as I get my tablet set up, I'm so exhausted I feel like crying and I have to lie down for a while or I'll feel ill. I have to jump on when I have the energy to do things like draw or cook. I do read a lot though (mostly fanfics). Reading doesn't require much energy, so reading is fantastic.

Life dreams, definitely. I can't go to school right now, I can't get a job, I can't travel.. My life is limited, and I can't do some of the things I dream of doing. I want to be a planetary meteorologist. I want to travel and see places. I want to do so many things. But I can't.

--

Trying to end this on a positive. I'm proud of what I've been able to do, even if it doesn't seem like a lot to someone who's abled. I've missed out on so many things, but that makes the things I've been able to do mean so much more.

[hyliasblade]

Stats

Note: This blog is run as if the character themself is using the website, and so all posts will be considered to be in-character unless otherwise stated.

This Link is based mostly as a mix of Twilight Princess and Skyward Sword’s Links, but technically he is all of them, since he’s been all of them. This version doesn’t exist in any of the canon games, just… after? I guess? He remembers each of his incarnations, too. Ultimate Link™, I guess??

This takes place maybe a couple centuries after BOTW. Not sure what TOTK is going to do with the timeline yet, so until I've played it, we'll be disregarding it for now. I know the Quest page says something slightly different, but I'm writing this like months after that, so this is what's canon for this particular blog.

(Don’t underestimate him based on his disarming demeanor, this man is a fucking beast in battle. If you are a Threat, he will Destroy. He is the epitome of Bite Maim Kill but only if he has to be.)

Hey guys I wrote a whole ass abridged story for this Link’s totally legendary adventure: check it out here. (click the ‘quest’ link or type hyliasblade.tumblr.com/quest if tumblr fucks with the hyperlinks again I fucking can’t with this website sometimes istg)

GENERAL

Name: Link

Birthday: February 21

Age: 21

Gender: Link (He’s Just Link)

Pronouns: He/they

Orientation: Zelda (probably bi, actually)

Abilities: Wields the Triforce of Courage, and has some sort of influence over the way time flows around him, or his own movement through time (Can speed up/slow down/pause his own passage through time, I guess). Very strong for their size, and contains an immense amount of courage (and foolhardiness) to face any threat no matter how terrifying.

APPEARANCE

Hair: Dirty blonde, about shoulder-length, very messy, usually hidden under their signature green cap.

Eyes: Vibrant blue

Height: 5'3" He is Tiny but he is Mighty.

Tattoos: The symbol of the Triforce, emblazoned on the back of his left hand. He was born with this symbol, and it represents his possession of the Triforce of Courage.

Piercings: Simple ear lobe piercings, usually containing blue hoops.

Scars: Link’s body is littered with battle scars, big and small. Usually the most noticeable are a scar creeping up his neck from under his tunic, and a gash in his right ear.

HEALTH

Physical: Link suffers from chronic pain due to all of the injuries he’s acquired in battle in his life, mostly joint and nerve pain. He tries extremely hard not to show his pain and exhaustion on the outside, but it’s often much easier said than done, and just as often takes far more energy than it’s worth, but he can’t have Princess Zelda noticing and worrying, now can he? (Princess Zelda still does notice and worry, despite Link’s best attempts)

Mental: Lifetimes of pain and trauma, including the trauma Link has experienced in this life, have given them some severe PTSD, alongside other mental health issues. They’re so used to being hurt, used, and then tossed aside like the tool they’re meant to be over and over again that the idea that they could be anything but a useless weapon after their destiny is fulfilled once again is almost preposterous to them. Still, he tries to keep his head up and make himself useful in anyway he can, for better or worse.

OTHER/MISC

Link is left-handed. This isn’t super relevant but it’s very important that you all are aware that Link is a lefty king.

This iteration of Link is selectively mute; they’re able to speak but struggle with it quite a bit. He can usually speak to Zelda for the most part, but with others, it’s a bit harder. Uses Hylian Sign language when speech evades him.

Simultaneously No Thoughts Head Empty and Many Thoughts Head Full. Knowledge and memories of all of his past lives leave him a bit confused at times, and unsure when and where he is. Zelda also has this problem from time to time, and the two of them help each other ground themselves in the here and now when these episodes happen.

Forget Ganon and Demise, Link’s true nemesis throughout lifetimes is cuccos. Those little shits are up to something, and Link is going to find out what that is.

Link is a hose boy. This is extremely important.

Tumblr is fucking killing me deleting this link over and over again and I’ve fucking had it up to here.. Go to hyliasblade.tumblr.com/misery . This is the most important point of all.

[caspersjournal]

The Breakdown of It All

So basically, my partner has quite a past. But so does everyone. The only issue is, my partner, or should I say my husband, seems to allow this past to arise back into our lives. We have been together 10 years, married for almost 3 months and honestly, I love him more than anything in this world and I know he loves me too, in some way. He takes good care of me when we are together and is always looking out for me if I need it. I'm not even sure I know how to explain this all properly, but he has a cheating history of exchanging messages, photos/videos, calls etc with some others and has also physical cheated sexually in the past. The majority of these are with people he has a past with (the past being before us). There have been so many incidents over the years, that I feel has completely fucked me up. I always chose to forgive but never forgot.

I know, it's a toxic kind of situation. We did separate in the new year of 2017 after I found out that he had physically cheated on me whilst back on his home island for his father's birthday, and the separation lasted for almost 3 full years, but we somehow found our way back. He wasn't constantly trying to find hook ups or chats with other guys anymore and he seemed a lot more content whenever we spent time together and so I felt this was a good sign. When I asked what the hell was going on with us, we mutually felt that it was a great time to try again. Now I understand that he had some personal issues within his childhood but surely these issues cannot be the reason he keeps bringing this shit back up into our relationship/lives. I don't want all of it to be a cause for us severing ties between us in any point of the future.

Due to all of this past, I have found it difficult to keep any kind of positive mind set. Since we rekindled just before Christmas 2019, there hasn't been any finds of physical cheating or anything too serious, but I won't say that we have been going strong without any issue because that would be a lie. I find it so difficult to deal with because the love I have for him is so bloody strong. There's no doubt that we have a connection, and we are DEFINATELY meant to be but fuck! My head is constantly in a spin. Thoughts running me into overdrive. Constantly wondering, panicking. Overthinking? Not knowing I can even feel trust anymore. All the times he's been up to no good, i've always trusted my gut. I've had that literal gut feeling. My stomach turns. I was always able to pick up on his actions if they seemed unusual, if something he did or said seemed out of the ordinary. Never once do I ever remember being wrong. Of course I had to do my research and always found the facts to back it up. I could just tell when he was being suss that he was up to something. Although, I heard a phrase today which I feel makes so much sense, and so I will quote it.

"No one knows someone better than the person they live with"

This is ABSOLUTELY spot on!

More so, I am exhausted and tired of battling the struggles in my head and my heart everyday. I have no one to talk to about all of this. My husband is genuinely a lovely guy. He will always help others whenever he feels he can and he is somewhat caring and sweet too. I never want others to hate on him or think bad of him, so therefore I keep everything to myself and attempt daily to battle the struggles I am faced with. I'm not posting here to look for sympathy. That is NOT my intention at all, I promise that. It is merely to release my worries, stresses, any anger I feel building up, which in all honesty, can sometimes be A LOT of all of those. I need to do this for the sake of my own mental health before I spin out of control.

So basically, to short list my issues, I constantly feel insecure, like i'm never going to be enough for him. Even though he's not been acting out of line for a while now. I feel like my trust is all out of wack. I don't allow it to rule my days, but it will be every now and then, thoughts will pop into my head like "Is he with someone else at the house whilst i'm at work?" or "He's working out and about today, or is he with someone else doing fuck knows what?" and i'm having to brush these thoughts over just to get through work to get through my day.

Every day is a damn struggle and worry. Am I being stupid and an absolute moron for this? Or for even feeling that just maybe I cannot fully trust him alone? I feel I sound stupid and crazy for this, but after so many incidents and stunts he's pulled off, and tried to pull off over the last 9 years is madness.

Another quote I heard last week which I will also quote.

"When someone you love deceives you, you're will always find yourself willing, or even thinking about forgiveness. But a time will come when that someone deceives you too many times, and eventually that love and forgiveness will turn into hate and resentment"

I, for one, seriously hope this never becomes onto us! 🖤

[tiredbutstillloveable]

Jungkook's Ideal Type Observations

Hello my loves, how are you doing today? So, I'm here to talk about Jaaaaykaaaay lol Especially today being his birthday, but not just that...I've been suffering over him since Muster of this year ;-; So, I decided to celebrate this moment talking about/exposing (a little bit more) his type lol I hope you guys like, it's very direct and blunt, and spicier ok? And, as always don't take things too seriously, this is for fun <3

Someone with brains, but humble plus glasses? He is on board.

I feel he could be into an edgy look and glasses. Kind of rock and roll meets nerd ahaha

This is a mixture of his Libra Venus, because since Libra is an air sign conversation, rationally, all this mental stimulation is important in a relationship for him; Plus, he owns a Gemini Eros, so again talking and showing that you know about stuff is a big turn on.

So, I feel someone with a nice and edgy plus nerdy look it's his kryptonite.

Well, in my opinion having these placements, but specifically Gemini Eros plus Libra Venus and Leo Moon makes him want:

Glasses. An air of sophistication.

Smart and intelligent.

A “book eater". Just someone who loves reading.

Knowledge. Passion when talking about the things she studied/read/saw.

An academic person.

Older girl who can impress him with how much she knows.

Could be a scientific knowledge, like the field she is in.

But because Jk is an awkward dude, it's important that he feels impressed by you and not intimidated, otherwise he will not engage.

His Leo Moon is all about inspiring and bright people, with a sense of humor.

He wants someone who can enjoy the little things with him. Doing the silly things once in awhile. I feel this can make him feel more chill around the person he likes, after all we know how hard he is own himself, and with Libra Ascendant + Virgo Sun, he tries to please and to reach the expectations people have of him so badly.

He needs a person who can be there for him, AND to help him when he's having his moments of self doubt, and thinking he's not doing enough. Someone who can encourage and support him it's important here.

If we are checking the sex part: I'm thinking that he could go crazy with thigh riding.

and yes, he would love to be exposed to some oral sex, since he's a Scorpio mars in the first house.

He could be into submission. I think he likes being with someone who knows what is doing. But, it's tough to say, because Scorpio Mars in the 1fs can be really into be "the boss" in bed lol and I'm feeling a good and old SM playing too(RM once said he is into exhausted his senses, right? He is into pain, especially physical pain (apparently) definitely he can take a lot (I'm mean...all that tattoos).

And I think esthetics matters here, so a nice environment it's always a good thing. I feel this is a Libra Venus thing AND he's a Virgo guy too so not just this, but also a clean and organized place

Sexy, sensual and delicate lingerie.

A good smell it's also very important (We know how sensitive he's about this,right?)

I think he likes pleasing views, like an aesthetic yk?

And because he likes adventure, why not doing it in a very high place with the most spectacular view? I mean, here he does have a nice place plus the thrill and the adrenaline he loves so much lol

And I do think challenges are very exciting for him, could be use as a foreplay, for instance.

And this is it for now, I hope you enjoyed this post! Let me know what you think in my ask box! <3

[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Natsume (pt.10)

WOW we did it folks. 10 parts to an essay that we're like. a quarter of the way done with. That's pretty great! More or less, by the time you finish reading this post, you'll have read 35k words worth of analysis and I'll have spent countless hours writing it. What amazing dedication we have to this manga! We should get an anime reboot as a reward!

Anyway, let's go crazy stupid trying to wrap up this arc, where we can see the extent of Natsume's selflessness. As we approach the end, something will happen to make Natsume's plans to distance himself from Mikan very difficult. Let us begin!

Also I've been forgetting to put trigger warnings up for these but I put them on the first few so hopefully you know they're all like that. Child abuse is a huge topic we'll cover throughout, as well as all the consequences that come with it, so be wary.

Chapter Forty-One

Medusa--Mihara-san--is amused to see that the frightening, powerful, and awe-inspiring “Black Cat”, who demonstrates a trained command of his alice despite wearing an alice-restraining mask on missions, is actually just a little kid.

Natsume doesn’t care about being impressive; he cuts to the chase, asking where Mikan is. Medusa makes his comments, but Natsume stays on his point: his new mission is to save Mikan, after all. Though keeping Mikan and Ruka safe had been his personal mission from the get-go. But just as Natsume isn’t interested in anything Medusa has to say if it isn’t about Mikan, Medusa isn’t interested in any topic that is about Mikan. So the small talk ends and Shiki is commanded to test the kids’ abilities.

Natsume cares about one thing right now and it isn't his DA alias.

They are in the midst of some kind of battle or standoff when Mikan reappears, safe. She calls out to them, excited to see them again. Ruka and Tsubasa are happy to see her safe as well, so they call out too. Natsume is not as thrilled. He’s good at staying on mission and keeping his attention on the dangers around him, like Shiki and Medusa, as well as the countless other Z members, all with mystery alices.

Mikan suddenly appearing and making herself known is dangerous, and she’s immediately under attack, unwittingly. He runs to protect her, using his alice as a barrier between them and the man who just tried to hurt her, but when he turns back to look at Mikan, he’s livid.

The art in this scene is so gorgeous, I could stare it forever. Look at how silky Natsume's hair is. Pretty.

Tsubasa and Ruka have never been on a mission like this. They were just eager to see Mikan unharmed. She was also just excited to see her friends again after being separated. But Natsume knows better. On a mission, you have to stay vigilant and always careful, and Mikan was careless. He yells at her, scolding her. But even through his emotions, he stays vigilant, protecting her even more when the enemy tries to take advantage of the distraction.

This is what he came for, not just to be the brains and keep them on track throughout the journey, but also to protect them, because that’s what he always does, what his priority always is. He will use his alice to ward off enemy attacks, and use his body as a shield, even if he winds up exhausted and bleeding and hurt. And he is.

But he still tells Mikan to stay behind him, to stay safe, so he can properly protect her this time, because he couldn’t do it before.

He doesn’t expect Mikan to get up and tell him that he doesn’t have to worry. She doesn’t want or need him to protect her; instead she wants to help him. She tells him, for once, that he doesn’t have to be the only one hurt anymore. He’s understandably surprised to hear this, because it means that someone other than Ruka has been paying attention. She understands that he’s been through the wringer, and she doesn’t want to just sit back and benefit from his effort without giving anything back. But more than just saying she’ll take on the brunt of things for him, she wants to help. She wants to be his strength, not a burden on him.

She has been noticing him, even the things he doesn't want her to notice.

This shocks him enough that it actually distracts him from his vigilance, and suddenly it appears that Ruka is in danger. He leaves her side just long enough for her to be captured by Shiki instead, and immediately teleported to Medusa’s side. They needed to get Mikan out of the way, after all, so that Medusa could use his alice, which he immediately uses to petrify Tsubasa’s leg.

Chapter Forty-Two

Right off the bat, we’re shown just how much the stakes have risen. Medusa’s alice is deadly, not just dangerous, and he’s already managed to hit Tsubasa with it. His next command is to have Yuka steal the kids’ alices, and to start with Natsume. It would make things easier on him, anyway, Medusa says, obviously privy to the idea that a child like Natsume wouldn’t want to be a child soldier at all, unlike Reo who mused that maybe Natsume would be more content with just a change of employer.

But Yuka makes it clear that her alice isn’t strong enough to steal all of the alices at once, trying to spare the kids from losing their abilities. So Medusa then goes to a Plan B, convincing the kids that his alice will only be temporarily affecting them until they agree to work for Z. After all, Natsume can’t really use his alice when Medusa has Mikan in his clutches. He’s been in this situation before, practically living in it, having the lives and happiness of his loved ones held over his head so that he will be pliant. Medusa comments that he loves torturing people like him, and he must not be the only one, since Natsume’s been tortured in this way for years now.

Ruka is hit in the shoulder while trying to shield Tsubasa from another attack from Medusa, and the shoulder region is particularly life-threatening, as it’s close to the heart and he might die from the loss of blood flow soon. Of course, this sets Natsume into berserk mode, but before he can use his alice, he coughs violently. This gives Medusa an opportunity to strike Natsume in his dominant arm, his left one.

He tries to use his alice, despite being at a new disadvantage, and still angry from what’s happening to Ruka. So his leg gets hit too.

Medusa gets temporarily incapacitated by Mikan’s nullification, so he sends Yuka to steal Natsume’s alice, which should be a walk in the park because he’s lost control of his arm and leg, so he can’t run away.

It’s here that Natsume reveals to the reader the secret he’s been keeping for the past few days, the one that we must now keep as well, that Mikan is Yuka’s daughter.

This is another one of those situations, where the stars align in all the wrong ways. Something you've always wanted is within grasp, but there's too many reasons not to take it.

Natsume stands there, unable to move, and ponders his situation as Mikan desperately screams for him to run away.

He wonders if he was waiting for this exact moment, if that’s the reason he came along at all, so that he could meet Yuka and have her steal his alice away.

Earlier, Natsume left a conversation about losing alices because it was too painful. He doesn’t feel the same way about his that the rest of them do. It’s not some fond part of him that he can’t stand to lose. He hates it. It’s been a hindrance since the day he was born. People of all sorts of organizations, including the government operated Academy and terrorist organizations like Z, have coveted his power. It’s put his loved ones in danger. It’s made his life a living hell. He’s been robbed of a fun childhood, of smiles and friendship, of peace. It’s stolen opportunity from him, so he can’t even feel free to pursue a crush, or make bonds freely, or let himself laugh. It stole his future from him, and he dies a little bit more every day. He won’t live long enough to go on a date, graduate, get married, get a normal job, have kids, grow old. He might not even make it to middle school, and he knows it. He lives his whole life in eternal emotional, physical, and mental agony. He’s always under the gun, always careful, always selfless, always defensive.

Why would anyone want that?

And this is his chance to lose it all. Things could be easier, better, safer. He could lose it and finally exhale. He could go back home to his dad. He could be an actual kid for once. Yuka could steal his alice and all of his responsibilities and the deadweight he’s been carrying on his back for his whole life could be gone.

Of course he almost lets her steal it.

But Mikan has been screaming in anguish for him to run away, and he remembers what she said when she saved him during the Reo Arc: that it was too late to give up, and that they should return to the academy together, because a bright future must be waiting for them.

And because of that, Natsume makes his first move to escape Yuka’s alice.

Does Natsume really want a future if his friends and loved ones would still be in danger? Would it be worth it if he was safe, if it came at the price of their safety? If Natsume doesn’t use his alice to keep them safe and protected, then who will? Who can?

Natsume smacking Yuka’s hand away isn’t selfish. It’s not him realizing he wants to keep his alice, that maybe deep down, he might actually love it. It’s not dear to him in any way. It’s still the thing that wears his body down and forces him to cough up blood. No, this act is selfless, yet again, because his own happiness and even his life come dead last to him. He has to keep them all safe after all.

Yuka snatches his wrist anyway, ready to steal his alice away, until she realizes she can’t. Mikan is using her alice from all the way across the room to protect Natsume.

So basically, the idea of Natsume leaving the academy causes this kind of reaction in Mikan, something Natsume has no choice but to see for what it is: fondness.

He looks at her with surprise, because this is an act of affection. Mikan has just used her alice to keep him with her. His life isn’t in danger, but she wants him to stick around. Now more than ever, Natsume can see proof that she cares about him, even despite all the bullying he’s done, despite all the mean words he’s thrown her way, even after he told her cruelly that he hates every single thing about her. Up until now, Natsume had no reason to believe she was doing anything but tolerating him, and though that was the outcome he was working for, deep down he does want the girl he likes to have some fondness for him too. This is the first time Natsume can really see that he means something to her too, as more than just a classmate or a partner. He is someone she doesn't want to part with.

And Mikan has fulfilled her wish, to be Natsume’s strength, because now Natsume is able to yell at her to duck and blow up the wall behind her.

Usually such huge explosions are the result of him at his angriest, using his ability to punish the people who hurt his loved ones. He’s probably also done similar things on missions, maybe even when he’s completely calm. But this time Natsume is weaker than ever, his dominant left arm completely out of commission, unable to move, under duress. He finds the strength to cause that explosion because of Mikan, because she wants him around.

While everyone is distracted, Natsume tells Yuka to go help Mikan, hinting that he knows her secret.

So Yuka stabs Mihara-san and has the petrified kids lick his blood off the blade. It’s confusing to the other kids why she would do this, but Natsume knows exactly why.

It would be interesting to see more interaction between Yuka and Natsume. Surely Yuka knows that Natsume is Kaoru’s son? It would be interesting to see if she noticed that his name matches Mikan’s. What does she think of him? What might their dynamic be like? I will always mourn that we’ll never find out.

Chapter Forty-Three

This chapter is the one that should officially designate this manga into the “tragedy” category. Yes, there’s been some heavy and deep stuff so far, most having to do with Natsume and the heavy abuse he deals with, but even with all that it’s managed to be mainly a cheerful and upbeat story. This chapter makes it clear that horrible and heart-wrenching things can and will happen, that we can’t count on a happy ending every time.

The kids are close to escape. They’re about to head through a warp zone back to school, and it’s urgent they move fast because the hide-out they’re in is currently imploding. Unfortunately, Mikan has dropped the antidote to the bullet that hit Hotaru, so she refuses to leave until she’s retrieved it from under a pile of rubble.

Pengy finally has a chance to prove itself, wriggling under and saving the antidote for Hotaru. It has helped Mikan, and because that’s the best thing someone can do, Natsume is grateful.

Natsume's smile (even a small one like this) has incredible powers, like giving robots a feeling of self-worth, making his classmates fall in love with him, and making me think he is a good boy. It would be irresponsible to overuse it.

Just like when Tsubasa showed his worth back at the high school division when he used his alice to help Mikan, Natsume has a new respect for Pengy, who was able to do something amazing to help the group, and Mikan especially. So he gives Pengy a slight smile. It’s really subtle and nothing outstanding on anybody else, but it’s a rare thing to get from Natsume, even for those whom he loves. “I guess you can be a little useful,” he says. This is the best sign of appreciation someone can get from him, and Pengy glows for a moment (ahh… the power of Natsume’s smile), until things fall apart.

The floor gives way under Mikan’s feet. They’re able to pull Mikan up, but Pengy is still too far to reach. Despite Mikan’s desperation, Pengy understands that they’re wasting time trying to reach it. Finally, after Pengy has proven its use to Natsume, it refuses to be a hindrance again, and sacrifices itself so that everyone can safely return the antidote to Hotaru.

They’re all through the tunnel, hit with the knowledge that Pengy is gone. They all react somewhat differently, but Natsume feels guilt.

Pengy's smile has evil powers because it makes me cry.

Natsume had considered Pengy a robot, something unfeeling and mechanical, just a useless thing Hotaru made once. It was something that could be discarded, and after it had proven to be troublesome, he’d even advocated that it should be discarded. He’d considered it useless all along, but when it really counted, Pengy was able to save Mikan and the antidote. It proved not only that it could be useful, but that it wasn’t just another mechanical robot. When Natsume smiled at it, it smiled back. And in its final act of sacrifice, it acted out of love for both Hotaru and Mikan, and Natsume feels sorry for what he’d said about it.

Natsume has a habit for establishing a bad impression of someone, and then having that person work hard to prove themselves to him. Pengy is one example, but he’s like this with Tsubasa, Mikan, and all sorts of people at first. People (and robots) that he despises until they show him what they’re really made of, winning his respect and sometimes even affection. It makes sense he would be so distrustful, seeing the life he has to live. Trusting the wrong person can get you hurt sometimes, and can lead to disaster. And having something useless like Pengy can cause a mission to fail. But Natsume is sometimes wrong about his first impression of a person, and the same qualities that could lead him to believe something is useless or annoying can end up being strengths that he respects.

Chapter Forty-Five

Yes, I skipped 44 because that’s more noteworthy as a Mikan chapter. Natsume doesn’t do anything I found particularly intriguing and I didn’t want to make anything up or repeat myself. In fact, for the rest of this arc, there’s very little left for me to say, so I apologize if this is a short analysis to conclude with.

The first thing we’ll address is the ESP and Persona discussing the insubordination that has just occurred. Yes, an injured student has safely recovered, and a Z hideout has been destroyed, but it wasn’t their plan for things to happen that way. Narumi needs a warning, for one. Natsume, according to Persona, needs simply to be punished back into obedience. From the way Persona talks about him, we can see how little he thinks of Natsume, how easy he can be to manipulate and control, which is all he is good for anyway. To them, Natsume is nothing more than a pawn in their game. Sure, he’s a useful pawn, the Black Cat that strikes fear into the hearts of the school’s enemies and successfully completes his missions even with a punishment mask on, but he’s still just a pawn. Nothing more.

While watching Mikan and Hotaru’s reunion, Tsubasa teases Natsume about joining the group hug. Natsume ignores him, and makes to walk away, but stops just long enough to toss his healing alice necklace to him. Tsubasa can borrow it to make up for having Subaru put Natsume’s injuries first. He makes it clear that he doesn’t want anybody looking after him, and that might seem like a snub, but this is kindness too. Natsume calls Tsubasa by his name, though he’ll do his best to avoid ever saying it again, and lends him a source of comfort and healing to pay back Tsubasa’s compassion. This is a growing moment, because Natsume has opened himself up to the idea that he could care about more people, even if it means more to lose.

Saying people's names is another rare magic from Natsume, I guess.

Natsume has learned things on this mission too, just like Mikan has. He’s a bit more open-minded now. He judged both Tsubasa and Pengy, and ended up changing his mind about them both, even if only by a little. He’s also discovered that Mikan has affection for him too, and it will completely undo all the effort he’s so far tried to make in distancing himself. It’s one thing to stay away from the girl you like when she hardly stands you. It’s another thing when she enjoys your company, and your feelings are turning into love. His feelings have intensified, or maybe they were always so intense but are just newly solidified, as he’s not hiding from them as much anymore.

He won’t be able to distance himself from her anymore, so he’ll completely stop trying.

Conclusion

Natsume has realized that Mikan holds a degree of fondness for him too, and because he is now very deeply in love with her, he will not be able to stay away like he'd resolved to before. Tomorrow we will begin our essay with Natsume's birthday, a very exciting way to start looking at his new approach to his relationship with Mikan.

The last essay (pt. 9) in particular inspired people to tell me that they were learning new things about Natsume, and as a result even loving him more, and that makes me so happy! Natsume is one of my favorite characters ever, and I want people to love him as much as I do! I love when people leave comments or questions! Really, I'm just so happy and over the moon that people are reading and enjoying, because again--this is a LOT of words. It's a long essay, and it means so much not just that people want to read about Natsume and his feelings for Mikan, but that they want to hear what I have to say about it! Thank you so much for supporting me! Isn't it exciting that we're about a quarter through? <3

I can’t put a song in the tags cuz I have too many tags. So. Church by Fall Out Boy.

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[purplerose244]

My thoughts on Seabound!!! 🌊🌊🌊 (3/4)

SPOILERS ALERT!!!

Yep yep yep, I'm liking this season a lot! 😍 Although I hope we'll get into a more frantic situation now, like with more battles and more bonding moments (Nya and Maya hopefully, but with Bentho too 🦈🦈🦈)! We got half a season to go, I'M READY!! 😎😎

Alright, here we go!

GENERAL THOUGHTS

I do like the season a lot, maybe MoM was a little more cohesive? Idk but it's not a big complain, I still love it so far 😍

Also maybe I would've liked more interactions between Nya and Maya about how they've been apart for so long, they had a chit chat but I would've loved even more. Maybe with Nya saying that it was fine and she grew up only to realize she is still hurt by that, even though it wasn't Maya's fault. I still like how they did it, I wished there was more that's it 🤷‍♀️

While I do make sense to Maya's behavior, that while it seems a little different from Hands of Time it had its logic in my opinion, maybe Ray feels a little weird? He seems less courageous than before, and it was established that he is a hothead like his son so that came off as unusual 🤔🤔

But I do love the fact that he's here and he's bonding with his son, for real, I've been waiting for this for so long so I'm happy nonetheless 🤩

Maybe I'm just easy to please and I take all I can get idk 😅

THE STORM AMULET

Oh, are we gonna address the wind element? It feels like we haven't really seen a Morro reference since Hands of Time, that would be cool! 😍 I mean, why even mentioning the wind then 😅😅

Well what do you know, they tracked them, who saw that coming?... me, I saw that coming... we all did probably 🤷‍♀️

Jay took upon himself making a quick recap on how Ninjago will be destroyed this time, thanks Bluebell 👌

Yep nyeheh electricity makes Nya go crazy for sure ❤💙 ... wait it wasn't a Jaya pun?

Jay wear your seatbelt please, you risk you life enough 😅😅 Pff lol "are we there yet" and they are actually there, biggest plot twist I've ever heard of 😂

LEGO HUG 💜💜💜

And with someone who might as well join the League of Jay apparently 💙

I liked The Island yet it was not as exciting as I hoped for, but now understand the meaning of it. The ninja helped the keepers and they are all allies. Without The Island the moment where Mammatus gives Nya the amulet wouldn't be as meaningful

Is it just me or Nya looked even more gorgeous during that moment?... just me huh? Okay then 😂💕

Wait that's a fake? Wait... UNCLE POWERS?!? OMG THAT I ACTUALLY DIDN'T SEE COMING 🤯

Here I thought he was just messing around, he always makes things harder 😅 Or maybe better? I mean, they kinda missed a bullet on this one...

BENTHO IS SO SWEET AND COOL OMG HE IS ALREADY OUR FRIEND 💙🦈💙🦈

Jay somehow had his own TV show in the past and yet he's got that horrible acting skills wth 😂😂😂

Kalmaar is a very cool villain, like, deeply evil. Not only he's calculated and merciless, he stops at nothing to get what he wants. And the people that get in the way? He wants them to suffer because they had dared to confront him 😳

And yes the voice does help a lot, I'm sorry I'll keep saying it until the season is over 😂 (or even beyond? Please cast Giles again LEGO 🥺🥺🥺)

Awww Nya no my poor girl 😢 Jay wanted to hug her to comfort her he is so sweet my SHIP ❤💙❤💙

MOM PEP TALK MOM PEP TALK!!! 🤩🤩🤩 How cool was it?

Like, this isn't even Maya asking Nya to believe in herself, this is her saying that she KNOWS her daughter can do anything when she puts her mind into it. FINALLY SHE SEES HOW AMAZING WATER GODDESS IS 💜💜💜

MORE LEGO TEARS OMG THIS SEASON IS FILLED WITH TEARS 😱 Which... kinda makes sense considering it's a water based season 😂

Nice one, and now? NOW WE GO BACK TO KAI COLE AND RAY YAS!!! ❤🖤❤🖤

RIDDLE OF THE SPHINX

That is... surprisingly Egypt theme like? It feels like a title coming from the Fire Chapter of season 11... well we got two fire elementals so 😍😍

SPARRING KAI AND RAY

I REPEAT SPARRING KAI AND RAY!!! SPARRING KAI AND RAY!!! ❤❤❤ Lol Ray got old, but how can someone blame him? He did touch death while aging in Hands of Time, I'm just happy he is alive 😂

Yep, master prankster Wu, that's what I love 👌👌 I always thought Wu had become a father figure for Kai at the beginning, so seeing Ray and Wu in the same picture feels very wholesome to me 😚

Ah, uncle Powers, I both love you and hate you so freaking much 😌😌 But you make cool slides nonetheless 😂

ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME WITH BEAUTIFUL SMITH INTERACTIONS??

BECAUSE I LIKE IT KEEP GOING 🤩

Oh no you guys are stranded on an island whatever are you going to do?? It's not like you had already before and managed to survive (Skybound) or you got stranded on a rock in a sea of sand filled with giant monsters (Fire Chapter) or you were on a freaking COMET in SPACE (Rebooted). Yeee, this is the worst yet 🙂

I'm starting to think these ninja are just a bunch of drama queens so no matter what happens, it's always hopeless 😂😂 I feel like I'm kinda right on this one honestly 😛

Whoa whoa WHOA WHO IS NYAD THIS SOUNDS VERY COOL???

Aww I like that, while Ray told his kids stories about dragons and how they traveled through the Underworld, Maya told them about Nya the first water master that could summon whales 💙❤💙❤

Pff imagine if it turned out Nya was the master of fire, carrying a very water based name? Lol

Maya: I would know if it was possible!

Nya: Yeah, like she knows that I can control a bit of ice because it's frozen water

Maya:...

Maya: YOU WHAT

I find both interesting and very annoying that this explorers club thinks so highly of themselves, to the point the deny to aid even the FREAKING SAVIORS OF THEIR FREAKING LAND 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Misako got good reflexes after all, Kai was probably ready to melt this guy's face 😅

Oh, so a trial by Sphinx is a challenge? A mental one? A cultural one? A physical one? Idk but Misako is actually taking charge and that is cool I guess 🤷‍♀️

Okay this is kind of weird, how is Ray so afraid? Is it because there's fire?... did he... did he grow afraid of fire for some reason? Because it feels a bit off for now, but if there is a deeper meaning that could be interesting 🤔

Wait is that the riddle from Decoded? That's fire right?

IT IS FIRE 🔥🔥🔥

Lol at least in this one Kai wasn't completely ignored 😂 I know my flame babe isn't the most rational person, but I do like that it was an answer connected to his element where he used his head!

Ah Clutch, you really got no backbone 😅 And apparently you're the only explorer who doesn't, dang look at the others go! I'm having a bit more respect for them now 😚

LOOK AT SENSEI GO FINALLY!!! 😍😍 FIGHTING SCENES HECK YES!!!

Kalmaar: I'm your conquerer

Wu: so after skeletons, the serpentine, nindroids, the Stone Army, Chen's army, ghosts, oni, more snakes but on fire and people from a game, that makes you the tenth. Have a free cookie

Kalmaar:...

Wu: you're not special

Is this a little throwback to Possession too? Nya seems to always control better water when she doesn't actually think about it. When her feelings are free, so are her powers 🌊🌊🌊

Also this opens up more possibilities! Creatures connected with other elements might get summoned too! I would love something like that 😍😍

This was NEAT, or maybe I just missed Kai that much ❤ What's next??

PAPERGIRL

ANTONIAAAAAAAA!!!! MY GIRL IS BACK!!! All my girls are back in this season, I'm so happy 😍😍😍 And if she is here, sweet little Nelson has to be around and I cannot wait! Bring in the purple ninja! 💜

Owww Antonia's last day as a papergirl? Nooo why??

She's got a job at the... DAIRY DRAGON??? OMG OMG OMG IT'S THE ICE CREAM PLACE BRAGI TOLD US ABOUT ON TWITTER!!! 🤩🤩🤩 I remember the post, he was asking about names for the place and ice cream flavors. Now I can't wait to see what did he choose 🍦🍦🍦

UNAGAMI BABY HI HONEY!!! 🙋‍♀️ I hope he's doing great 😘😘

This is so cool honestly, Antonia got her own character arc going on! Living in a chaotic city like Ninjago City must be pretty dang exhausting 😅

Was... was that Dareth in the garbage can? Am I wrong? Poor brown ninja 😅🤎😅

SPINJITZU SWIRL, BANANAKHAN, ORANGE SERPENTINE, I'M DYING 😂😂😂

Their friendship is so wholesome, I'm so happy they are still together no matter what happens 💕

I thought Kalmaar wasn't much of a fighter but DANG he's got skills! Also the fact that he uses tentacles makes the fight very cool to watch! 😚😚

RAY RUNNING IN AFTER KAI GOT HURT HECK YES ❤❤❤

Well at least you tried Ray 😅

Ah, little cameo of the original Weekend Whip, always nice to hear it again... AND DO THE WEEKEND WHIP!!! 🌪🌪🌪

EVEN NELSON GOT CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT I'M SO PROUD 💜

I don't even know what is cooler, the kids being mad lads on their bikes, Kalmaar driving a TRUCK or Kai going full parkour on the buildings to follow them 🤯

I'm sorry... am I the only one that during the Kai and Kalmaar talk kinda thought of Jestro and Clay? I miss my boys from NK, they're even more at odds now 😭😭

KAI YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DIE OR EVEN TRY TO DIE GET BACK HERE AT ONCE 😱😱

Kalmaar just loves to make everyone feel inferior, gotta be his hobby 😶

Oh good Kai is back

OH NOT GOOD KAI IS NOT BREATHING?!? FLAME BABE I TOLD YOU YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO DIE 😱😱😱

Antonia, Nelson, you guys are now my heroes. You saved my fave, I'll be forever in dept with you ❤❤❤ Am I being overdramatic? Most likely, but Kai is one of the few that didn't almost die or did die in a dramatic situation and he is also my absolute favorite character so that... kinda keeps my sanity in check in this show 🥴

I wonder... does he still not know how to swim? He saved Lloyd in Possession but I wonder if he was only trying to float on the surface... THAT'S TERRIFYING

This episode was so adorable, I love Antonia and Nelson so much 💜💕💜💕 It's nice to see what the other people of Ninjago do while everything goes mad 🤣

Wait hang on my Ninjajan is a little rusty

"Ninjago City. City that never sleeps" well if that ain't the truth 😂

MASTER OF THE SEA

Like Master of the Mountain? Wait are we going back to Shintaro?? VANYA?? ANOTHER BEST GIRL RETURNS??? 💛

Hey hey hey, we got a full Nyad backstory! I really like when they do these little drawn shots, they feel more like legends! And... the ending sounds terrifying? Like, they wouldn't let Nya sacrifice herself and die... again... right? 😱

Bentho: and the world was in balance, until now because of my brother

Lloyd: and the Overlord before of course

Bentho: the what now?

Lloyd: the evil one my grandpa the first Spinjitzu Master fought?

Bentho: YOUR WHAT NOW

Why do I like this offscreen "hiiiyaaa" that sensei Wu does before actually going into the scene? 😂😂

No matter if they come from the underground or the sea, these are all snake-like creature with the same intellect 😅 Kalmaar and Garmadon would have a lot to talk about, sea king dealing with his minions does remind me of Lord Garmadon in season 2 a lot 😂😂

KAI AND RAY FIGHTING TOGETHER KAI AND RAY FIGHTING TOGETHER ❤🔥❤🔥❤🔥❤🔥❤

OMG Kalmaar is such a brat and petty villain I love him so much 😂😂😂 Yes I didn't even mention his amazing voice!... AH DANG IT 😳😳

*Misako kicks Kalmaar and is actually useful* 🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️

*Misako gets taken as hostage immediately after* 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

KAI LITERALLY JUST GOT SAVED FROM DROWNING WHY MUST YOU DO THIS TO HIM!!!... and Ray and Cole and Wu of course, I care okay 😅

OMG that face 🤣🤣🤣

That some meme material right there

Whoa Vincent that voice just got super up when the Unsinkable showed up, it kinda sounded like Jay's lol

NO NOT BENTHO!!! 😢😢😢

Kai: Nya talks to whales now? (I snorted so hard at this 😂😂)

HECK YES NYA GOT THE AMULET!! 😍😍😍 ... we got, like, four more episodes to go so something needs to happen in between... do I need to be scared? I feel like I need to be scared 😅

Jay starting a fire then blaming Kai?... this is so in character I got chills 😂😂

SHARK BOY IS STAYING TO THE MONASTERY THIS IS SO PRECIOUS!!! 🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩 I want all the shenanigans and we need to write fanfictions about more shenanigans and AAAAHHHHH 🦈🦈🦈

Bless these two fire idiots

They own my heart ❤🔥❤🔥 Also Vincent, this is supposed to be a fun little gag moment, your amazing voice acting is kinda distracting me 😭😭😭

ANOTHER LEGO HUG

YOU GUYS ARE SPOILING ME OVER HERE HECK YES 💙🌊💙🌊

Maya learned that her daughter is capable of everything, I love that. Nya simply understood that she doesn't have to give up when something gets difficult. She is AMAZING and can do anything she puts her mind into. She simply has to hold on until the end 💪💪💪

Omg Benthomaar playing billiard with the guys I already love this 😍😍

YES IT IS SHINTARO!!! THE UPPLY ARE HERE OMG!!! HI VANYA YOU LOOK AMAZING GIRL MISS YOU I HOPE YOU'RE DOING OKAY!!! 💛💛💛 ... I just really like Master of the Mountain okay 😅

I love how Vanya doesn't even question it. It comes from Cole and he said it needs to be protected? Done and done 👌

Wait what, did something fall?

IS THAT THE FAKE?!?!? WHAT HOW WHEN??? UNCLE POWERS??? OR KALMAAR DID SOMETHING??? SOMEONE??? I'M LEGIT CONFUSED AND EXCITED??? 🤯🤯🤯

Well dang, I didn't see that coming, now what Seabound? What do you have for me?

[dolliedarlin]

hi!! how have you been?? how’s school?? i hope you’ve had a good weekend!!

im sorry it’s been so long since you’ve last heard from me! life has been very busy lately and i’m just now able to sit down and give you a life update lol.

i’ve spent the last week working every day and in my free time, i have been doing homework and procrastinating 😅 but i’ve been getting things done and being productive (even on slow days lol) so i keep telling myself to just keep doing my best and it’ll all work out!

i have started my book! i have read about 2 chapters of it as i’ve been unable to actually sit down and read at all this week and when i’ve had a chance i’ve been so tired i haven’t wanted to. hbu? have you had the chance to read any books lately?

my girls weekend went pretty well, on the downside however, we did hit a deer and it completely busted up my friends’ windshield so we had to find a ride back fo where we were staying and then a ride back home 😅 on the brighter side, her windshield should be fixed by next week, and we watched movies and ate ice cream lol. i also got to see the person that i still have feelings for, as they helped give us a tour around our friends college campus and they even picked her up from where we were staying to bring her back to school :)

overall i’ve been doing alright, i’m just very tired and busy lol, but i can’t wait to hear back from you!! :))

hello, my love! it's so great hearing from you! and don't worry about any sort of lateness, i can understand from all the times we've chatted that you're a busy bee that works hard and always does her best - i don't even register the time that's past since i'm just as busy on my own

university is hectic as usual, as soon as i find room to breathe, i have another deadline set, it's kinda funny but also pretty exhausting. i have a dissection guide due this thursday, wish me luck on completing it on time. but i'm looking forward to going home for this coming weekend as it's my dad's birthday ^7^ - he won't tell me how old he's turning...typical XD

but i've had a pretty good weekend as i went to another city for some Jollibee! it was so yummy! it felt great tasting my childhood again after such a long time. i just had a lot of committee work to do because of all the social events happening in my society and we don't really have an assigned event coordinator so liaising all the event details for an social media post are pretty hectic.

goodness, when i say you're a busy bee, you're truly a busy bee! make sure you continue taking care of yourself and your wellbeing, both, mental and physical alright, dollface?

i hope more time comes to you so you can really indulge in those beautiful pages! currently, i've been reading the 7 habits of highly effective people - it's really interesting but, just like you, i've found it hard to find enough time to really sit down and read it lately.

oh my gosh! what an experience, are you and your friends alright? how's the deer? at least you got to watch movies and eat ice cream, that's a vibe that i would regularly enjoy if i had the leisure time to XD and that's sweet, the person you like sounds like such a wonderful person, almost as wonderful as you - but you can never be beat in my eyes ;3

haha! we're too similar, us two, i'm much the same as you, busy and tired, sometimes losing sleep but prioritising hydration as it's getting colder out now that it's winter. oh! semi-good news, i was supposed to do work yesterday but i ended up just playing pokemon sword XD lol i felt like i needed it though - that burn out feeling weighs a little less on my shoulders ; i highly recommend taking time to do something you enjoy doing in between all that busy-ness makes everything less hard to get through <3

can't wait to hear from you soon!

all my love x

[fuck-customers]

Holy Shit Buckle Up Y'all

(TW: mentions of transphobia, racism, and self-harm)

A little backstory:

In November we hired three new people to help with our workload around the holidays, and we've kept them on. Two of them are very hard workers, have great personalities, and nice work ethics. The third, who I will be referring to as J.....does not.

She constantly asks to switch shifts instead of putting in for time off or changing her availability (said that its "inconvenient" for her to change it), if you're even a minute late to covering register for her when she's supposed to get off, she'll just abandon the register and clock out and then shop for thirty minutes, and she is constantly walking away from her post bc she's "bored" and "doesn't feel like working" when there are literally people in line.

So about two weeks ago, she scheduled for five days off. Sweet, shes learning. She then proceeds to call off the day before her five days and the day after. So now she has a week off. Dick move, but I can't say no one has done it before.

Her scheduled day back is a Wednesday. She texts one of my coworkers, P, and asks her to take her shifts for Wednesday AND Thursday. P agrees because she wants more hours, but all of us, including the managers, are irritated now. This is now nine days off she's gotten.

On Wednesday, I got a text from her asking if I could take her shift Friday. Now as of this point, I've been sick all week - hacking my lungs out, not able to breathe, but working bc we're short staffed (bc of her) and bc I need the money. I had Friday and Saturday off for the first time in MONTHS so no way in hell was I gonna take it. I just said no, firmly.

She continues to pester me, asking why, since I don't work Friday I should be able to, etc, and I kind of snapped:

Which, okay, maybe I shouldn't have snapped like that. But I was exhausted and frustrated and so sick of her getting to do this that I just couldn't take it anymore. I expected her to call me a bitch and then ignore me but hoooooo boy nope. (Names are blacked out) (and if this many photos aren't allowed feel free to delete this submission)

First of all, the racism comment:

She was buying cigarettes and even though shes a coworker, I have to ID her bc she's 19 and I can get fired for that shit. She told me she had lost her ID and asked to just put her birthday in. My manager said it was fine, so I did, and I made the offhanded comment about how she should get a new one so she didn't get pulled over by a racist dick while driving. We live in an area where the cops just looovvve to profile people (if you know Ohio, you know where) and I'd had that conversation with so many of my friends that I didn't even think about it, I was just concerned about her getting home safely to her kid. She didn't react negatively at the time, just said "oh I didn't think about that, thanks" and we moved on. If she had really had an issue with it she would have spoken to our managers, so clearly she's only bringing it up now to scare me. I just.....I mean obviously if I am being racist I want someone to tell me so I can fix my actions, but I didn't even think that came off that way in the moment. Maybe I was out of line, but the same thing has happened recently to my 16 year old cousin (he's fine dw) and so its been on my mind.

Second, no, I am not a manager. But aside from four other employees, two of which only work part time, I am one of the oldest members of staff (time wise, not age wise, I'm 23). So the managers put me in charge of a lot of shit, which means that I end up being in charge of people. Which apparently she did not like.

And third no, I do not have a kid. I'm not married, I don't have a partner, and I barely have the income to make half of rent with my roommate sometimes. I would not bring a child into this world if I could help it, and it pissed me off that she would imply that if I had a child, I'd be more mature. I wanted to scream at her and tell her that if having a kid makes you more mature, it clearly didn't work for her. I feel so bad for her kid; he's like two, and she's already constantly using him as an excuse for not doing things and not going to work. She lives with her mom and her boyfriend, so she has a support system (her mom is retired, and a very sweet lady). Like again, I don't have a kid, but all my coworkers who do don't pull this shit ever.

Anyway

I was physically shaking by the end of these texts, crying, because I HATE when people yell at me, especially when they know me IRL. And especially cause she was accusing me of some nasty shit. I sent them all to my manager in the least professional set of texts I'd ever written and then two hours later had to go to work.

My depression was up, my anxiety was through the roof, and as soon as our floater manager asked me if I was okay I burst into tears again. I showed her and the closing manager the texts and they were both appalled but then

They fucking started trying to "comfort" me by making racist comments!!! "Oh, thats just what her people are like" "you know she grew up in the ghetto part of town" "that girl is straight up hood" like!!!!

I was furious. I was so mad it wasn't funny, but they're my MANAGERS and i need this job and they're both old, so they don't think what they're saying is wrong. I tried desperately to derail it by saying things like "where she grew up had nothing to do with it" but they just kept going and I just....that made it so much worse tbh I just walked out of the office to do my fucking job.

A couple hours later, right as I've started to calm down, one of my coworkers started making really transphobic comments about one of our old coworkers who I'm still friends with, deadnaming her, saying that she's allowed to deadname her bc its part of her religion, etc etc.

Y'all I just....walked behind the photo counter and had a fucking meltdown on the floor. I dragged myself to the pharmacy to get their trash so I had SOMETHING to focus on and as soon as I got there the tech took one look at me and held out her arms and I just lost it again.

I go to my manager and basically just ask to do trash and go home. I was supposed to close, and I have left early only once in my life, when we were too dead to need me, but I had just mentally had it. I knew that if I didn't leave in that moment I wasn't going to make it to the end of the night without hurting myself.

She agreed, I finished trash, and got one of my friends to come pick me up.

My GM texts me the next morning (Thursday) and says she's giving me PTO for the hours I didn't work Wednesday night and for my day off on Friday. I almost cried again bc I was so stressed about the money.

Fast forward to a week later, today, and J still has a job, but she has now also called off 16 days in a row. Claiming she's still stuck in Texas with her kid (which was why she was asking to trade shifts last week).

I don't know how much longer my GM can hold out before firing her. I really don't.

Tldr; coworker asks me to take a shift for the hundredth time after calling out for a week, I say no (albeit a bit rudely), they start screaming at me via text, and I have a mental breakdown.

[mthrodrgns1315]

Here We Go...

Hyperemesis Gravidarum:

noun

persistent severe vomiting leading to weight loss and dehydration, as a condition occurring during pregnancy.

Most people by now know of Kate Middleton's multiple hospitalizations as a result of her severe Hyperemesis Gravidarum. We've heard of her sickness, her hospitalizations, her emergency IV fluids, etc. We also heard the media downplay it, which was absolutely heartbreaking for those of us in the general public who also suffered from it.

Like Princess Kate, I also suffered from it. Twice. They were the two worst experiences of my life (aside from losing my beloved cat and everything my little family owned in the Paradise, CA Camp Fire on November 8, 2018). Throwing up every 15 minutes like clockwork, all day and all night, unable to eat or drink anything, being hospitalized and requiring emergency IV fluids (a challenge in itself because I was so severely dehydrated that my veins collapsed), wishing for anything to make it stop, losing 30 pounds in two weeks, being starving but unable to eat. Every. Single. Day. For four straight months. Twice. And compared to most fellow HG sufferers, I had it easy!

But I was promised that giving birth would be the end of it all. That, as soon as I held my little baby in my arms, as soon as I welcomed them into the world, it would all end. Like magic. Boom. Over. Done. And while the constant vomiting did end as soon as I gave birth, and while I was able to eat chicken nuggets (or everything for that matter, but chicken nuggets were my biggest craving) for my first postpartum meal, the magical end to it all was...not a lie, but definitely not as promised. I can't call it a lie, because Hyperemesis Gravidarum is researched so rarely and has been studied so little, that no doctor knows all the effects (short or long-term) of it yet.

For myself, and a very large majority of the women in the Hyperemesis Gravidarum survivor's group on Facebook, the after effects consist of regular and unexplainable nausea, gallbladder disease, PTSD, anxiety, depression, flashbacks, and eating disorders (overwhelmingly binge eating).

When I gave birth to my kids, I had dropped to my lowest weight ever: 135 lbs. Which is typically an ideal weight for my height, but I had been literally starved down to that weight. So although my weight was healthy, I did not, in ANY way, look healthy. My eyes were dark and sunken. My cheeks were hollow, my collar bones jutted out, I was anemic, etc. It's been seven years since my first HG pregnancy, and my relationship with food is anything but healthy now. In one year since having my youngest (now 5), I ballooned from 135 to 200 lbs. I have since been diagnosed with a binge eating disorder and have been struggling greatly to overcome it. My reactions to food are extremely unhealthy, because to my brain, survival mode has become permanent. There is a constant uncertainty on when I will be able to have my next meal, or if I will be able to keep down the one I've just finished. As a result, I eat as much as I can (until it is literally painful for me before I've even left the friggin table), as often as I can. I get highly defensive over my food, basically behaving much in the same way as a dog with resource guarding problems does. Because it's mine. MY food. If I don't eat it all right this very second, eat every single morsel, I will pay for it later. I will starve to death. I will throw it all up. I will, once again, end up in the hospital, being poked and prodded with thick needles as an entourage of nurses attempt multiple veins across my arms, hands, and fingers to administer IV fluids. Of course, none of this comes true anymore. I can no longer have kids. My OB/GYN saw to that when she "obliterated my tubes." Just picturing being pregnant again makes my entire body shake it scares me so much. I am absolutely terrified I will end up pregnant again through some freak accident of nature.

And even though I KNOW all this, even though the rational and logical side of my brain is more than well aware of these facts, the part that is still gripped by PTSD after all these years is what controls my actions regarding food in the end. My weight number continues to grow, as does my jeans size and waistline (and boobs, much to my dismay).

So here I am, doing a public journaling of sorts, hoping that having some public accountability will help me push through the mental issues in the aftermath of multiple HG pregnancies. My goal is to get down to my ideal weight of, ironically, 135 lbs (a healthy weight for my height), but this time, I will do it in a healthy way. I won't restrict my eating, doing fad diets or by starving myself (as I've, sadly, tried before). This time, I'm going to exercise, starting slowly and working on making it a daily habit rather than forcing it, and I will work on rationalizing through my anxiety and fear surrounding food, while also working to portion out my food better. My hope, is that I will become a healthier person, more mentally than physically. Because, to be honest, it isn't even really the weight that bothers me. Most people tell me I don't look 200 lbs (thanks to an hourglass figure that gains weight proportionately). It is the physical effects of that weight that bothers me: my knees always hurt, I am constantly tired, etc. But more importantly, it's the mental effects this eating disorder causes that really, truly bothers me. It is the main reason for my depression, for my anxiety. Because every time I binge, I feel terrible afterward. I am in literal physical pain, and I feel guilty; I've snapped at my kids who just wanted one tiny bite (just a little taste), I feel guilty for letting myself do it again, I feel physically exhausted and even more depressed, and I feel absolutely stupid for ignoring the rational part of my brain again and letting my trauma take over, I feel just generally...terrible.

I'm gonna try to post daily, working through my progress and (let's be real) setbacks, my thoughts and mental changes, my moments of logic, my downfalls, and my triumphs. I, in no way, expect this to be easy. I know this will be hard, but I made it through HG twice. I can do this too, eventually. And maybe I can help women in the same position I'm in along the way.

Well, now that I've rambled for a few pages, here I go.

[healthishealth]

I made it outside yesterday (recovery day 6). I'm so thankful that I have a balcony to sit on and feel the fresh air and warmth of the sun. Unfortunately, my apt is not accessible and has tons of stairs, so I've been trapped here since my surgery on Friday.

I had an L4/L5 and L5/S1 laminotomy. When the surgeon opened me up, he confirmed that I actually have a duplicate nerve root at L5/S1, not a cyst. He took a picture (those of you who know me should know that made me really happy) and he's going to show me how much bigger that nerve root is since it has two nerves wrapped in one sheath! He also confirmed his suspicion that my nerve roots exit the spinal canal much higher than the average person. This, he said, would explain why my pain did not match what he was seeing on my images - a validating statement that reminded me I wasn't making this all up in my head.

For years (8 to be exact), I have suffered from sciatica. It was really bad at first and then I don't know if I "got used to it" or perhaps it got slightly more tolerable, but it was only this past year that it became unbearable again. Every time I would see a doctor, they would look at my imaging and tell me that the minimal disc bulges I had on those two levels should not be causing me so much pain. In fact, one of my doctors suggested it could be psychosomatic and asked if I knew about CBT (I work in mental health, so this was a huge 🙄 for me).

Nevertheless, I refused to give up, even though my doctors were giving up on me. I finally found a pain management doctor who believed me and also wasn't afraid to prescribe pain medicine while I sought answers. After exhausting my options with him (i.e., steroid injections, exercises, medications, etc.), he referred me to a neurosurgeon. I'm too exhausted to go into detail about the horrific experience I had with this doctor, but I will one day. She eventually suggested I have a fusion and disc replacement (without ever seeing me in person except for 2 visits in 2016). I felt this was pretty aggressive for someone my age, so my pain management doctor referred me to see someone else.

For the first time, this new surgeon listened to what I was saying and actually believed that I could be in a ton of pain despite my images only showing "minimal disc bulging" at 2 levels. He showed me my scans and actually walked me through his thought process. He pointed out the "cyst" and said he thinks it could be a duplicate nerve root. He also drew pictures for me, explaining how nerve roots normally exit the spine and how mine seem to be exiting much higher up. He pointed to some bone erosion he noticed on the right side and suggested I get new imaging done since the last one wasn't very clear. Most importantly, he was straightforward with me and said this surgery might not fix my pain, but at the very least, we would eliminate one of the possible sources for my pain. The worst case scenario (barring any rare complications from surgery) would be going through surgery and not having my pain resolved. He also referred me to see his colleague for one more opinion, since his opinion conflicted with the first surgeon I "saw."

Fast forward to my surgery day - I'm pretty nervous, but once I meet my anesthesiologist, I'm much more at ease. He's a huge USC fan and alumni. The doctorate student (SRNA) working with him that day was also at USC, so we all bonded over that and I felt reassured that they would take good care of me. Both of them kept telling me what a great decision I made and that the extra year of PA school at USC's program is so worth it (woo!). Next, my surgeon came and marked "YES" on the right side of my back and they told me I was ready to go. I kissed Alex and my mom and the SRNA gave me a dose of propofol as I was being wheeled away.

Things happen at double speed once you enter the OR. EKG stickers get placed on me as an oxygen mask is strapped over my face. My gown is hooked up to a hot air pump (my favorite) and the anesthesiologist tells me he's going to start giving me the sleepy stuff. My left arm burns like my veins are on fire. I'm reassured this will pass quickly and it does. Someone stands over me and switches my oxygen mask and I drift off into anesthesia land.

My eyes peel open and they feel watery. Am I crying? I am. I hear myself gasping for air and saying, "I can't breathe!" Looking back on this, I think they probably had just pulled the intubation tube out, so I probably woke up during that and got scared that I wasn't breathing on my own. This has never happened to me before (or if it has, I don't remember). I then burst into tears again because the sciatica I had going into surgery was gone.

I'm still off of my medication for my autoinflammatory disease due to the risk of infection if I'm immunocompromised in any way. My drenching night sweats are back and I'm not feeling that great, so hopefully I can go back on medication after my post-op appointment on 3/17. In the meantime, I'll just be here...resting...reminding myself I'm not a burden...allowing myself to ask for help when I need it. Special shout-out to my mom for flying out last weekend and taking care of me and my MVP, Alex, for being the actual best human in the world and loving me unconditionally.

It's been a long week. I've made a lot of progress, but I've definitely had setbacks (both mentally and physically). My sciatica came back a bit a few days after surgery, but has not been as painful as before. I'm hoping my nerves just need some time to settle down and realize they're not being compressed anymore. I do worry that 8 years was too long and that permanent nerve damage was done, but I'm just letting that thought hang out and I'm trying not to engage with it too much.