#all because this bitch refuses to listen to my concerns because im a 'child' | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

slasherwife · 3 years

Note

S/o pampering the slashers + Vincent , they come home and the s/o prepared a bath and cook them dinner.

Y/n Spoiling Their Slasher

Ooh funn! Sometimes these poor bois need extra love 🥺💞

Thomas:

- He would be a flustered baby from the beginning🥺

- He would feel bad that you’re doing this stuff for him and would feel a bit awkward since he’s so used to being the provider, that he wouldn’t really know how to act 🌼

- He clings to you for guidance, because being so relaxed and spoiled like this feels like a crime to him. And that breaks my heart.

- You end up being the mother hen, coaxing him and cooing at him as he looks up at you as if you're an angel. He'll lower himself into the bath and hold onto your hand, falling into a pit of pure love for you. You are literally his angel and you are GLOWING in his eyes💕

- when you give him a special dinner, he eats it happily and offers to share almost everything with you. It's like he's mostly concerned with what's on your plate instead of his, glancing over and making sure you're enjoying yourself. He can't help it though, it's completely second nature to him 💫💖

He is still hesitant to let himself be comfortable because he has literally never had anything like this ever in his life. He still looks to you for guidance and you tell him that you won't make him do anything he's not comfortable with.

- You both end the night with him clinging to you, buried his face in your stomach with his arms wrapped around your hips. He repeats in his mind that he doesn't deserve an angel like you until he falls asleep, dreaming about you. This boy is lovesick. 💕

Jason

- Jason would just full on melt. He already knew how kind and loving you could be, and honestly isn't too surprised that you would do this. He nevertheless of course, puts his masked-face on your temple in the form of a kiss, and strokes your ear as a thank you💗

- Big boy doesn't waste a minute, he's stripped and ready to dive in. He definitely did NOT expect you to come over there and help him wash. Unsurprisingly he got bashful and looked away as you lovingly scratched his shoulders and unknotted his huge biceps and neck. He ends up going slack in the tub from how good it feels. 😊

- His eyes don't leave you most of the time. He looks away bashfully when you glance at him or smile at him, and his heart is just a fluttery mess at you. When you courteously look away when he steps out of the bath, you direct him to a big meal you made <3

- He has no idea where to start he is a trainwreck at just eating a mf meal. You smile encouragingly at him as he delicately uses his fork (which looks like a toothpick in his hands) and eats like he's at the queen's reception ceremony. He is SO polite. Uses a napkin and everything.

- I canon that he was ALWAYS hungry pre-zombie phase, and could literally eat 5 horses in one sitting (a weird visual but--) he signs to you asking what you were going to eat, and will literally fight with you about you taking his plate if you haven't eaten yet. 💖😤

- hes a babe

Michael

- this bitch. you already know bae.

- He would refuse the bath because he finds it weird that he would bathe in a bath you made him (im confused too dw) He will stand there, his 7 ft tall ass, shaking his head at you no.

- you somehow end up getting in the bath with him because that was the only chance he would take the bath-- with you literally stuck to him as he drags you around like a pool noodle 🥲

- he might initiate funky time but probably not. he just wants to be clean tbh. He spends the entire bath time smelling your hair as he doesn't allow you to move for a good 10 minutes. He strokes your neck though which is nice 💖

- after you guys both leave the bath, he is still carrying you like a purse, but lets you at least put on a towel so you're not sitting naked at the dinner table.

- He's really touchy tonight, and it's mostly because he's filled to the rim with love for you. 💗He expresses it with roughhousing though and handling you like a ragdoll. He does NOT mean to hurt you though and will be gentle if you tell him to cut it out.

- He eats absolutely everything on his plate gratefully, again, doesn't express it in the most civil way, but he appreciates it (surprisingly). He actually might eat from your plate, you can't tell me this 7 ft giant doesn't run on five rotisserie chickens a day.

Bo Sinclair

- I literally didn't even want to write for this dude. He is an asshole. But he's a hot asshole with daddy vibes so here we are 😤💗

- I would never expect Bo to worship you in return for you doing this for him. There are some things he will boast and tease you about being a swoon for him, being obsessed over him and whatnot~~~ But stuff like this is a little too much for that. It almost touches him. Almost💘

- He initially just doesn't know what to say. He loves you, that’s obvious. So he doesn't want to hurt your feelings by saying the wrong thing (which he does ALL THE TIME) so he's going to be uncharacteristically non hyper-verbal

- When you tell him you have a bath running for him upstairs, he'll think you're joking at first. When it becomes obvious that you're not, you lead him to it, and he looks at you when you're not looking and there's a slight of affection in them🌼

- He offers to share the bath with you, with a glint in his eye and that velvety smooth tone of his. This makes you blush furiously and become shy, which eggs him on. It’s completely up to you though, heh, because this will in fact lead to the sex

- afterwards he may drag you over to the bed to sleep~~~ until you tell him you have dinner waiting for him, and he is a fucking s l u t for food after funky time ✨

- now here he definitely teases you. “you’re practically worshipping me, doll. how am I supposed to treat you now?” What we’re you expecting? but internally he’s bursting at the seams and he’s very touched. 💖Probably to the point where he’s uncomfortable and will either be very quiet (he has no idea what to say) or he’ll tease the shit out of you as a coping mechanism.

- he eats like a normal person unlike everyone else here (and maybe Vincent) going on about his day where you listen patiently with a smile on your face ☺️

- Then when in bed, with his back facing you, he’ll very quietly thank you for doing this for him, because Lord knows he needed it. He’s very thankful 💖

Vincent Sinclair

- all signs of responsiveness is cut. I mean, he’s the tiniest bit of smug if I’m raw honest. He was the golden child out of the two when he was younger and even if Bo is top dog in Ambrose, the feeling of deserving more than he does is still there. Which he DOES 😭💖

- He’s in absolutely no way like Bo. Bo is a smug ass who doesn’t listen to anyone (who we stan btw), but he’s still touched to the core.💖 You didn’t need to do this, you wanted to

- he knew he was worthy of being loved. He knew Bo wasn’t going to hold him down forever. he’s felt he needed this for the longest time. He wants to beat Bo; ~~~

- and when the prettiest, sweetest angel is at his feet pampering him, he just knows how jealous Bo is. 💘😭 Anyway SORRY I’m rambling~~ I feel like Vinny would be too scared to go into the bath himself and would have you sit on a stool beside him.

- he’ll be signing to you the entire time he’s in the bath~~ about anything and everything. He’s just so emotionally connected to you, he can’t help but spill his thoughts 🥺

- you both would eat your dinner in his room, probably on his bed as you share ideas about sculpting and life Bring a laptop so y’all can watch Netflix together ✨

- he’d want to make love to you after but that depends on how shy he’s feeling. It would probably be gentle and devoid of much lust, only love🥺💓

1K notes · View notes

schneesisterss · 3 years

Note

Do you have any head cannons for the other Dimitrescu sisters? I loved your takes on Cassandra!

thank you! <3 and Of Course I have headcannons for the other two. (though not as extensive as the ones I have for Cassandra bc you know... brain rot) BUT HERE:

Daniela:

ADD/ADHD representation

stims include, but not limited to: jumping, hard blinking, leg bouncing, word/phrase/noise repetition, and fidgeting with her clothing

and i’m also CONVINCED she gets the zoomies at random times of the day

Alcina, hearing loud and fast footsteps up and down her hallway at 3am: *sigh* “Daniela! Take it outside!”

followed by a loud THUMP and painful groan (she definitely ran into a wall)

hates loud noises but simultaneously has no volume control

especially when she gets excited

Cassandra has to constantly remind her to lower her voice

“AND THEN I TOOK MY KNIFE AND STABBED THE LYCAN IN THE NECK AND IT WAS SO COOL—”

“Dani, i’m standing right here, why are you yelling?”

she loves play-fighting with her sisters

Cassandra is more willing to entertain her than Bela but the both of them like to see their sister happy. so whenever they recognize Daniela getting antsy they’ll wrestle with her a bit

(Cassandra gets way to into it sometimes and makes Bela be the referee lol. Cass always ends up pinning her younger sister with a proud, competitive smile on her face. Bela let’s Dani win, but we don’t tell her that)

has the keenest senses of the three which makes her the best at stalking/killing pray

and since she can hear the best out of all of them, she unintentionally eves drops on conversations

so Daniela, bless her, has all the tea

tactile learner

will just. touch things

“Life hard, Mothers gown soft”

can get trapped in her own head and doesn’t know how to express to her family what’s bothering her

this can make her very reserved at times and she’ll distance herself for days on end

her mother is really the only person who knows how to get her out of that state. Alcina walks up the long flight of stairs to the highest point of her castle. her youngest daughter likes to come here sometimes when she needs the quiet. “Daniela? Are you up here?”

“Hello, Mother.” Alcina looks up to see her daughter lounging on a banister high up on the ceiling.

“What are you doing up there, my love?” Daniela rubs the fabric of her dress between her fingers. “Cassandra and Bela were arguing again. I don’t like when Cassandra yells.”

Alcina shakes her head. Those two were always going at it. She’ll speak to Bela about it later. “I haven’t seen you in a few days.” Daniela then grabs a fist full of her dress and tugs at it, blinking hard. “Come down for a moment. Talk to me, baby.”

and Daniela simply rolls herself off the banister and into free fall. Alcina, already prepared, catches her with ease and holds her bridal style against her chest. Daniela runs her hands over the sleeve of her mother’s dress.

Alcina gave her youngest child time to gather her thoughts, knowing it sometimes takes longer for her to be able to understand them herself. Daniela finally spoke up: “It’s been very loud recently. Around the castle. Small things, like footsteps or glasses clicking, they sound so loud in my head.” She covers her ears with her hands. “Even now I can still hear Cassandras voice through the castle, it’s pushing in my ears. My head hurts, Mother.”

Alcina gave her daughter a quick squeeze before setting her down. “Follow me baby, I want to show you something.” Daniela followed her Mother through the twists and turns of the castle until they ended up at a door that was just like all the others. It blended in and maybe that’s why Daniela has never noticed it before. “In here.” her mother guided.

Inside was a small library and lounge room. A fire place tucked in the corner and, of course, a wall a wine next to it. Daniela looked at her Mother questioningly.

“Listen.” her mother said, and Daniela did. She heard... nothing. Nothing outside of the quiet cracking of the fire place. “This room is sound proofed. Come here whenever you feel overwhelmed.” She leaned down to stroke her daughters head. “Just don’t tell your sisters I showed you my secret getaway room.” and with a wink, the tall woman exited the room and shut the door behind her.

The next day Daniela was at breakfast like nothing had changed. She didn’t even mind when Cassandra yelled at a maiden for breaking a plate, it only made her laugh.

(if you get overstimulated you KNOW what i’m talking about)

personal space? never heard of her.

loves to cling to Belas arm and Bela let’s her bc she thinks it’s just. so cute.

will also sometimes just crawl into her mothers lap and fall asleep. then Alcinas like: “well.. i guess i’m not moving for three hours”

Daniela: “if I run an jump at Cassandra, she’ll most certainly catch me.” *takes off in a full blown sprint*

Cassandra: “NO IM HOLDING HOT TEA—” *drops tea to catch Daniela* *proceeds to cuss her younger sister out, all while Dani is wrapped around her like a koala*

(this happens a lot. Dani will just... climb on Cassandra. piggy back rides, getting on her shoulders, wrapping her hands around her neck from behind and letting her feet drag on the floor, etc. Cassandra complains adamantly but never once moves to get her off)

Cassandra: “hey Dani, I dare you too—”

Bela: “Mother said Daniela isn’t allowed to accept dares anymore.”

Daniela: “apparently I have ‘no regard for my personal safety.’”

it takes a lot for Daniela to get genuinely angry, but when she does, it’s.... bad.

Very Very Scary when mad

turns into a completely different person that you Do NOT want to fuck with

dangerous and violent

much more dark and sadistic as compared to her normal personality

came home one night covered in blood and laughing hysterically. it scared the shit out of her sisters bc if they would try and get close, she’d slash at them with her weapon.

(this was one of the only times Bela had seen Cassandra genuinely worried and afraid for their sister)

when Alcina came to see what was wrong, Daniela, still laughing madly, swung at her too. Cassandra quickly shot out her arm and grabbed Belas elbow to stop her from getting involved. Bela whipped around with a growl but Cassandras glare and squeezing nails told her to back down. Mother can handle it.

Insane Laugh™️

thinks it’s funny to intimidate the maidens by showing her fangs and snapping her jaw

she often likes to find Bela when she’s reading a book to convince her to read to her (Bela almost always complies)

that’s it for Daniela. just a hyperactive baby with a murder streak <3 ONTO THE FINAL SISTER

Bela:

Mama’s (and I cannot stress this enough) Girl

needs constant reassurance that’s she’s doing a good job and yes this reassurance can ONLY come from her mother

INSOMNIAC

this girl never sleeps, pls baby you need some rest

she spends the time she should be sleeping reading books or running errands for her mother (whether Alcina asked her to or not)

she has read almost every single book in their giant library

Cassandra doesn’t understand this at all

“Why are you always cooped up in here?” Bela glanced up over the pages of her book at her younger sister. “This is the library Cassandra. Take a wild guess.” her voice was completely level and had no inflection. Cassandra gritted her teeth, “You think your so much better than me.” Bela sighed and closed her book. She didn’t want to do this again. “No. I don’t.” she said seriously. Cassandra eyed her for a moment then looked away, Bela saw the guilt on her face before she turned on her heal. “You’re so boring.”

because she reads so much, she is incredibly smart and just knows facts about random things

Daniela, daydreaming: “I wonder why grass is green.”

Bela, immediately: “the pigment that most grasses produce, Chlorophyll, absorbs almost all blue and red light and reflects green light which is why we see green. so I mean, technically grass is every single color EXCEPT for green.

Dani, confused as fuck: ....

Cass: “Bitch, how do you even know that?”

Bela’s sisters just end up using her as Google

“Hey Bela, how far away is the moon?” “238,900 miles.”

“Hey Bela, how many different climates are there?” “Twelve”

“Hey Bela, what’s the worlds deadliest poison?” “Botulinum... why?” “No reason.” “Dani. WHY?”

“Hey Bela, how much can I sell a human skull on the black market for?” Bela, concerned: “Cassandra why would—” “HOW MUCH?” “Well... are all the teeth still in tact?” “...No.” “Than only about $500.” “FUCK.”

“Hey Bela, I have this weird rash on my back and—” “Daniela. Do not finish that sentence. Go ask Mother.”

she is so quiet

and not just because she doesn’t talk very loud or even much at all. she’s just So. Silent. when she moves

just pops up in random places without anyone hearing her approach

even Daniela can’t hear her coming, which is saying something

Cassandra, minding her own business, drinking blood tea: .....

Bela, suddenly right next to her: “Hey I was wondering if— stop screaming, it’s me— have you seen Mothers lipstick? It’s missing.”

refuses any type of help with anything or else she feels like she failed that task

Never asks for help, Never asks for favors, and Never Ever will burden her Mother with any of her problems. Ever.

(Alcina thinks this is ridiculous. her eldest daughter pushes herself too hard.)

Anxiety™️

sometimes when her anxiety becomes too much she shuts down and becomes very indifferent to things around her. this has caused many fights between herself and Cassandra because Cass will get really fired up when all Bela does is respond with a monotone voice and blank stare.

overthinks literally everything and is a perfectionist

this makes her prone to panic attacks :(

when this happens she shuts herself in her room, not wanting to bother her Mother or sisters

Bela closes her bedroom door behind her and stumbles to her knees. she can’t seem to get air into her lungs no matter how hard she tried. she had failed. Mother asked her to bring her the head of that stupid man-thing, but somehow he knew their weakness.

how could he know? are Cassandra and Daniela ok? where are they? where is Mother?

Belas breathing was shallow and short, her chest burns as she presses her forehead into the ground. She claws the skin of her chest raw, leaving angry, red marks behind, desperately trying to open her lungs.

she stays as quiet as she can, only gasping few and far between. she will not be a burden. she should deal with the consequences of her failure. alone.

a sudden knock on her door makes her scramble backwards on her bottom till her back hits the opposite wall. then Belas worst nightmare, her Mothers voice.

“Bela?! Bela, is that you?” Alcinas words were rushes and worried. the door handle jiggled. “Bela, baby the door is locked, please let me in.” Bela covered her mouth and cried silently while her Mother begged to be let in.

the sound of snapping wood had Belas eyes flying open, her Mother had broken down the door. Bela shrunk into herself. She’s going to be so mad. I’m a failure. the ringing in her ears became so intense she couldn’t hear anything else.

large, soft hands cup her cheeks and a muffled voice through the air: “Bela, my love, you’re alright thank god. Are you hurt anywhere? Let me see.”

Bela pushed weakly at her Mothers arms and said between sobs, “I-I’m sorry, M-Mother.”

Alcina looked at her eldest daughter with confusion, she had no physical wounds, but the look on her face was heartbreaking. “What are you sorry for, my love?” this only made Belas breathing spend up even more, her face red from the lack of oxygen. Alcina quickly pulled her in close.

“Now Bela, listen to the sound of my voice,” she said it gently but just hard enough to grab her daughters attention. “I need you to copy my breath. Do it now, love, listen to me. Do what i’m telling you to.” Alcina took exaggerated breaths and noticed that instantly after her command, Bela had tried to follow, but the smaller girls breath was still choppy and small. Alcina rubbed a thumb across Belas cheek. “You’re doing so well baby. Keep going just like that. Good girl.” a smaller hand was placed on her arm and grabbed at her sleeve. “Good baby, use me to ground yourself. Keep breathing now, you’re doing so good.” Alcina kept whispering soft encouragements and praises until her daughters breathing was back to normal and she was laying limp on her chest.

Alcina moved the hair away from Belas face. “What a good girl, you did so well.” Bela squeezed her eyes shut and pushed into her Mother until her face was hidden. “I’m sorry Mother.” came a muffled apology, though her voice was much more steadier than before. “I failed you, I couldn’t stop the man-thing. He shot at the windows! He knows our weakness, Mother. What are we going to do? Where’s Daniela and Cassandra, are they ok? I should have stopped him for you I’m so sorry I—”

“Quiet.” Bela immediately seals her lips and looks away, already extracting herself from her Mother’s arms. She probably hates her. Alcina simple tugs her back and forces Bela to look in her eyes with a quick tap to the forehead. “Bela, I need you to listen to me very carefully.” Her daughters eyes go wide and she nods. “You have nothing to apologize for. This is not you’re fault and I will not allow you to think that way. Plus, the man-thing won’t bother us any longer, I took care of it.”

“But—” Alcina raises an eyebrow and Bela gives in, nodding hesitantly. “Good girl.” Bela exhales through her nose at the phrase and squeezes her Mother’s sleeve again. They sit like that for a few more moments, calming down.

Bela suddenly shoots up. “Daniela, Cassandra, are they—” “They’re fine my dear, Daniela got a little banged up, but Cassandra was already patching her up before I could even get close. We didn’t know where you were, that’s why I was so worried.” Bela relaxed and again nuzzled her nose into her Mother’s chest, took one more deep breath, then stood. “I’m going to go check on them.”

She steps through the now empty door frame and pauses. She spoke without turning around: “I won’t fail you again, Mother.” and shifts into a cloud of flies and disappears.

(am I projecting again? idk help)

can play the piano

no like you don’t understand, she is so good at piano

this girl has mastered songs by composers like Liszt, Beethoven, and Ravel

she’ll play for hours on end, if she starts a new piece she Will Not get up until she can play it through perfectly

she pretends not to notice Cassandra secretly listening to her play, hidden behind a nearby bookshelf

while her younger sisters always jump head first into a fight, Bela takes a more calculating approach. learning her enemies movements from afar before advancing and ending it in like 3 quick moves.

“Well Bela, if Mother asked you to jump off a bridge, would you?”

Bela, already climbing over the railing: “Hm?”

and there you go for Bela! my sweet child.. please learn self-care.

*ahem* I went overboard again didn’t I? WELP. I regret nothing. Give me more headcannons.

577 notes · View notes

junicai · 4 years

Text

Relationship with NCT 127

➣ Taeil ☾ taria

taeil is the Sole Protector of aria’s sanity

taeil loves his maknaes so much, but he literally looks at her like she put the stars in the sky

the Proud Dad smile :’)

when aria first debuted, czennies thought that she was the same age as jungwoo - because she acted older than her age - but with taeil she lets her inner kid come out

highkey dependent on his approval for things in relation to singing

“was, was that ok?” “perfect, ari.” “ (O_O;) - (◕‿◕)♡”

she will fight mark and donghyuck for his attention, and she will win

for a while, the two had shared a dorm room before they were rearranged, and taeil let her slip into his bed when she was feeling homesick

the offer is still open, but aria takes him up on it less and less

taeil is NOT sad about that. absolutely not.

he’s vehemently against any and all diets she tries - saying that if she gets any smaller he’s going to be able to pick her up with one hand

que him dragging her out for ice-cream after a promotion, paying no mind to her protests

aria helps taeil with translating a lot of things into english during lives and interviews - so much to the point where he’s picked up a bit of an irish accent and the others never fail to clown him for it

taeil still has the small braided bracelet that aria gave to the members on their first anniversary of nct (he keeps it in the drawer beside his bed)

aria is his self-professed happy virus. he told czennies in a vlive once that her smile makes him feel really happy and he wants to protect it to the best of his ability

aria always fixes his micpack before they go onstage if its crooked, because she comes out after him in the lineup

they have monthly movie nights and they alternate who chooses the movie / show (taeil normally goes for mystery or drama themed ones, while aria enjoys making them both sob miserably)

FAN FAVOURITE MOMENT.

aria and taeil singing “I See the Light” from tangled for the NCT Music channel, and the tears that were shed by both moonis and realtai alike. sm really popped off with the staging and the lighting of the whole video - between the smiles that were on both of the singers faces and the whole ambiance created, its a cinematic masterpiece

no one was surprised when it hit 2 million views in a day, and a lot of solo stans were born from that video

➣ Johnny ☾ johria

indisputable siblings

there is not a single czennie who ships these two romantically, and that’s because they’re just too wholesome

johnny is one of the few members that aria calls “oppa”, mainly because of the age gap and sm wanted her to appear respectful, but also because he thinks she looks so cute

very chill, excellent vibes

their vlives are either chaotic messes or the closest thing to therapy since ice cubes

the blanket on aria’s bed? that was a gift from johnny - she had been complaining to mark about how cold she always was anemia tings

czennies are begging for sm to allow aria to open up a solo instagram account, becuse they see the amount of pictures johnny takes of her

in the park? he’s making her pose in front of the flowers. backstage before a show? the lighting, c’mon.

big big bear hugs - the height difference make nctzens want to die

185cm vs 158cm? p l e a s e she’s so tiny in comparison (/ =ω=)/

when she gives him backhugs it looks like a little kitten trying to wrestle with the family dog

play fighting about vernacular:

“ITS CALLED A SIDEWALK” “S I D E W A L K, ITS A FOOTPATH YOU BUFFOON”

very vocal about her wellbeing, and has asked fans before to remind her to take better care of herself and get to sleep sooner

aria, starting a vlive at 3am: hi hi~

the comments: NO GO TO BED

johnny helped her a lot when it came to the style change in choreography, as aria was used to soft, flowing movements and not the powerful, sleek style that most nct dances have

consistently forgets the fact that she is not the fourteen year old he first met, and is, in fact, an adult now. “you’re a child” “im 18″ “...no”

is the person to get angry on her behalf when interviewers belittle or ignore her

FAN FAVOURITE MOMENT.

during a fansign, a fan asked aria who did she think was the most comforting when she was stressed (besides mark and donghyuck) and aria said johnny. “he’s so, constant? like nothing seems to knock him or throw him off, and that’s really comforting when i feel unsteady.”

johnny is now known as aria’s weighted blanket.

that is all.

➣ Taeyong ☾ ariyong

taeyong took one look at aria the first time she showed up for group practice and immediately adopted her (not literally, but he would if he could)

eomma meets highly protective older brother meets life coach type beat?

so so soft for her its sickening

says he doesn’t have favourites and will then spend an hour cooking for aria because she’s been in the studio for the whole day and he knows she hasn’t eaten yet

when aria was given a duet to do for the sm stages, she had to pick another member to do it with and her first choice was taeyong

she always has said that taeyong is one of the pillars keeping her upright and sane - without him she wasn’t sure if she would have been able to complete her training

because of all the schedules they share together, if aria isn’t rooming with mark then she’s definitely rooming with taeyong

whenever she does his makeup (more often than you’d think) she point blank refuses to cover his scar, even when he asks her to

“please? i don’t like it.” *gasp* “how dare you.”

sleepy aria! snuggling into taeyong’s shoulder when a schedule ran late!

he gets uncomfy when the stylists put her in too revealing clothes, and has spoken to them on numerous occasions about dressing her in age-appropriate attire, no matter how “sexy” the concept might be

he keeps little bags of sugar-dusted strawberry sweets in his bag incase she forgets to eat and feels faint after the last time (they used to be blueberry flavoured, but he heard donghyuck throwing out any and all “blueberry-contaminated” food one evening)

taeyong doesn’t tolerate hate towards aria, especially in person, so he always makes sure to sit down the line from her so that he can see when people skip intentionally her

FAN FAVOURITE MOMENT.

taeyong had just been awarded the solo bedroom on the last night of the Mtopia series, and was staring off into the corner looking rather uncomfortable. aria, who was meant to be rooming with baekhyun looked over and saw his mouth curled downwards slightly.

“baekhyun-oppa, is it ok if i room with taeyongie-oppa tonight? i ran out of my tablets, and he has some in his bag..”

baekhyun looked down at her with a small smile and agreed, while on the video edited captions appeared with the words, “a cute maknae, asking to room with a younger member...”

➣ Yuta ☾ nakamiya

the president of realtai

this man is absolutely, completely and irrevocably whipped for aria and she is not afraid to use that to her advantage

she beat him at arm wrestling because she pouted at him - she’s too powerful

aria.exe stopped responding when yuta started to playfully flirt with her the first few times

*winks* “hu-wha-”

one of the most outwardly protective members of her, because he feels a sense of responsibility for the younger girl

he was one of the trainees she first befriended, aria’s korean not being good enough to hold a decent conversation, and yuta happy that there was another japanese trainee

9 times out of 10, when the members are making their way through crowded areas like airports yuta is always behind or directly beside aria

during a fansign one of the fans asked why he did that, and he said that he needed to keep her in his line of sight or else he’d get anxious that she’s so small that she could get swallowed in the crowds

yes aria hit him for the short comment

yuta, 50% of the time: you’re not allowed date until you’re 35

yuta, the other 50% of the time: bro where’s your boyfriend

he complains that she isn’t as sweet as she was when she first joined, and that hyuck must have corrupted her (╬ Ò﹏Ó)

he let’s her braid his hair when its longer, them both sitting on a bed with yuta in front and aria kneeling behind him so she can reach

he was the first person to take her home for the holidays, because ireland was too far to go back for a week over christmas

“what do you mean you’ve never been to japan???”

bitching about the other members in japanese? more likely than you’d think

when aria turned legal in korea, yuta took her out drinking and made sure to post pictures of her with her flushed cheeks on his instagram story with the caption “aish, i told you to pace yourself....” “happy birthday riri”

FAN FAVOURITE MOMENT.

you know that one clip of the sasaeng getting absolutely trashed by nct’s bodyguard and taeyong jumping 7 feet into the air?

well taeyong wasn’t the only one startled; standing beside yuta, aria was closest to the wall of fans when the girl ran forward towards the members. aria jumped in fright, while yuta barely made a face (#unbothered). he simply wrapped an arm over her shoulders and pulled her around to the other side, tucking her underneath his arm.

tsundere!yuta

➣ Doyoung ☾ dori

*ahem* WHIPPED *ahem*

doyoung adores aria so much

was he unsure about a girl being added to a group of boys? yes but it was moreso concern about how he was going to make sure she wasn’t accidentally trampled

they bonded over a night in the recording studio when he found her sitting on the floor with music sheets scattered around her

a whole mentor when it comes to singing

aria always turns to him after singing - especially when it wasn’t planned, like at a fansign - to see if she did a good job

doyoung has yet to tell her that she hasn’t but sue her, she appreciates the validation

the original mother and Will Not Let Taeyong Forget It

doyoung, dragging aria out of the studio: now listen here young lady-

kitten and bunny friends RISE

no seriously sm released merch of a kitten and bunny plushie and it sold out in a day

when aria had the accident that led to her two month hiatus, doyoung was the one who rode in the ambulance with her after refusing to let go of her hand

“i’m sorry sir, only family are allowed in at the moment-” “we are her family” *nurse looks around the room at the 14 other boys sitting anxiously*

he is a weak, weak man he will crumple on any decision if she smiles and slash or whines at him even slightly

carries band-aids and support strapping in his practice bag because he knows that she gets really bad blisters when she hasn’t practiced while wearing her heels in a while, and he makes her wrap her ankles for the first few sessions incase she falls

FAN FAVOURITE MOMENTS.

NCT 127 Take a Friendship Test (Glamour - 2020)

“ahh, my first impression?” *laughs* “actually, we first met in a recording studio, at like. 3 o’clock in the morning? he stuck his head in the doorway and i was so tired that i thought i had died and an angel had come to save me...” (*μ_μ)

➣ Jaehyun ☾ jaria

you know how cheetahs in the zoo get emotionally support puppies?

this is the same type of vibe

very snuggly together? but only in specific scenarios, like when jaehyun is too tired to move after a movie night, he’ll just kinda engulf aria in a hug and make her sleep on the couch with him

any back hug she gives him turns into a piggy back, its non-negotiable

likes to randomly compliment her to see how red he can make her face go

did she have a crush on him when she first moved to korea? yes, but who didn’t

that faded really quickly though once she started into the group officially - now they are more like siblings

they don’t interact that much on camera? rip to the jaria shippers

but that doesn’t mean they aren’t close with each other its just that a lot of their interactions happen off-screen

naturally, jaehyun began to think of her as a younger sister over the years they performed together

jaehyun will end anybody who lays a hand on aria

a little bap bap if you will

he asked her to take him ice-skating one day, and the entire time was spent with aria laughing her ass off as he ate the ice nearly fourteen times before getting the hang of it

he takes her out for food when he notices that she’s been put back on a strict diet plan (aria thinks she’s good at hiding those pieces of paper, but she forgets that when she puts it on top of things, that other people are a lot taller than her and have a higher vantage point)

the prince and princess of nct? check

head pats

he likes to pat her head and she’ll swat it away immediately until she gets tired and just lets him do his thing

FAN FAVOURITE MOMENT.

jaehyun was wearing a flower crown placed carefully on his head as he bent down slightly to run his hands through the damp grass. a soft shutter sound went off, before he heard a hum coming from behind him. “jaehyun-ssi, could you take off the flowers? we can’t see your face clearly because of the shadow.”

jaehyun glanced backwards at aria’s retreating figure, being chased by donghyuck with hands still stained green from the grass she had shifted through to find the fallen flowers. she stopped and waved at him before resuming her run.

“i’d rather not, if that’s alright. i think it fits quite well with the theme.”

➣ Jungwoo ☾ ariwoo

oh my god someone please stop these two

once jungwoo taught aria about the power that aegyo holds for persuasion tactics against the older members of 127, they were unstoppable

you should be afraid of them

100% have plotted someone’s murder before (and have succeeded, czennies always wondered where that last manager went after The Incident)

aggressively cute together - to the point where your teeth will rot

jungwoo will intentionally flirt with aria just to fluster her because its “so easy to do”

not very physically affectionate, but jungwoo has no hesitation calling out “uri fighting haeyadwae!” to her when she looks like she needs a little encouragement

jungwoo is the reason she wants to do a bachelors degree after finishing high school

he used to help her with her maths assignments after school when she was struggling with managing her time

they’re called the “aegyo duo” of the group, and there has yet to be an outright winner of the competitions to find the cutest member (its aria. jungwoo said it himself, its aria but we been knew)

they have an odd dynamic of looking like best friends the first second, evil masterminds the next and then siblings who want to murder each other but they make it work

will and has flopped down on her while she was laying on the practice floor and then whined when she tried to get up

he spilled the tea that aria gets super emotional and affectionate when she’s drunk

cutest shit ever that made ariwoo shippers lose their absolute minds was the clip that got released in the behind the scenes filming of Kick It, where jungwoo was half asleep in the corner and aria just pops up out of nowhere to shove a folded jacket under his head and made sure to prop it in a way that he wouldn’t get a sore neck when he woke up

jungwoo is the reason she knows korean curse words (dont tell doyoung)

FAN FAVOURITE MOMENT.

aria wobbled in her heels slightly as she stepped out of the van, trying to hold a blanket up to protect her legs while she slid off the seat onto the ground. jungwoo extended an arm around her waist, gripping the blanket in his other hand and carefully holding her to make sure she didn’t trip on the cobbled stone.

➣ Mark ☾ mari

1/2 of the best friend crew

honestly at the beginning, mark and aria weren’t very close, having only really seen each other in passing or with johnny

but after being dropped into training together the two quickly became fast friends, and now they’re borderline inseparable

you thought you knew pain? watch aria’s reaction to mark’s graduation from dream :)

mark’s the reason why aria felt confident enough to pitch some of her lyric ideas to the team, after staying up until 4am to help her make some edits so she was as confident as possible

kinda just, rests his head on her shoulder? and wraps his arms around her waist when he’s tired

mari being confused in foreigner: ???

aria said once in a vlive that she finds mark really comforting to be around - when she feels stressed or worried about something she’ll go to mark’s room and just sit on his bed for a while

aria is so close with his parents - “ahh, how’s my favourite child” “i’m doing great mom.” “no not you, how’s aria?” “wh-hu-MOM?”

you’d swear sometimes mark is younger than her, considering the pout he puts on and how much he whines when they’re not on the same team together for promotions

mark big protecc boi but also little small cuddly boi

they’re so soft for each other ( ╥ω╥ )

in one of the fancams for mark’s solo stage during superm, someone zoomed into aria singing along with him in the wings and dancing to herself with the Proudest Smile(tm)

he’s! so! proud! of! her! constantly! she could be walking and he’d be like “omg get it”

when aria refuses to get up and make herself food (this happens way too often, she just gets into the groove of her work and doesn’t want to move) mark gets her to by threatening to do it himself

consistently caught by czennies just standing behind her and holding her hand in crowded areas - airports, waiting rooms, etc.

FAN FAVOURITE MOMENT.

mark and aria were standing off to one side as the mc explained the rules of the game they were about to be playing. mark looked totally confused, and elbowed aria in her side before looking down and mouthing “what?” to her. aria opened her mouth, before closing it and looking down at the ground, muttering to herself, “결합... 結合..... le chéile.... le... le.. oh oh - combined! we have to put them together, markie.”

and thus, a new confusion meme was born

➣ Haechan ☾ arichan

the other half of the best friend crew

absolute heathens to be around when they are together

donghyuck is the person aria is closest to, and someone she’d call her best friend (only when she was sure he wouldn’t hear her)

she calls him “the demon child i can’t get rid of” but will, and has definitely pouted when he ignored her for too long

generally aria is a pretty soft spoken person, but not with hyuck around - he brings out all her chaos energy (please pray for the patience of dotae)

the pair have a little tradition of kissing the back of each others’ hands before going on stage for good luck. they can’t even remember how it started, but now its an unnegotiable pre-show ritual

he’s so clingy with her absolutely everywhere its painfully adorable (ಥ﹏ಥ)

interviews? hyuck has a hand on her knee, or if she’s wearing a skirt he’s tucked his hand in between their chairs so she can hold it discreetly. in the dorms? full body tackle onto the couch, where he proceeds to lay on top of her completely.

because of hyuck’s nickname being the sun, and aria always being around him, czennies gave her the nickname “moon” to go with him

fans thought that aria was older than hyuck for a good year and a half before she released her birthday on a vlive, because she’s normally the one tasked with reigning his chaotic energy in during promotions (that is, if she hasn’t already joined him)

but off-camera, aria is absolutely hyuck’s baby there is no disputing that. aria’s sad?he’s there with ice-cream and a blanket and a baseball bat.

the winnie the pooh character that is on aria’s bed was a gift from hyuck for her 17th birthday, after she made him watch seven episodes of the show on netflix with her one night

yes he complained, but he slapped her hand away when she went to change it to something else

a twitter thread of a czennie comparing their horoscopes together went viral when people realized that it was quite plausible that the pair were each others (platonic) soulmates

after an incident involving blueberries, donghyuck took it upon himself to check the ingredients of every. single. food item in their dorm to make sure it was ok for her to eat

hyuck clowns her for her irish accent, and aria curses him out in japanese

tldr: they cute or whatever

FAN FAVOURITE MOMENT.

donghyuck was doing a vlive in his bedroom, sitting and talking to czennies when aria opened the door to his room quietly. she didn’t say anything, just waved slightly with almost closed eyes before she crawled underneath his covers and tucked her plushie underneath her chin. hyuck didn’t even blink at it - so it must have been a regular occurrence.

294 notes · View notes

calypsoff · 3 years

Text

Forty Nine.

Wrapping the robe around me as I rushed out of the bedroom and ran down the hallway to the door, it’s early in the morning and this is what I am doing “hey, hey. Where are you going?” Frowning at Chris leaving in the early hour’s “gym” his hand on the door about ready to just go at this time in the morning “but you abruptly got out of bed like that, you didn’t even mention gym Chris, why?” It’s so random of him, he literally went last night, he goes there every day “because I like it, it clears my mind. I will be back, be like mindful when you’re running though, you could have hurt yourself. I’m not doing anything more than just gym and coming back, go and rest. It’s fine” side eyeing Chris, my mouth is dry, and I can’t be bothered “whatever” turning on my heels and walking off “are you angry with me?” He questioned as I walked off “no” rolling my eyes knowing full well I am but if I say yes he will continue to push on why, so I said no, like why does he need to go there so early in the morning. What is the actual reason for it, he had me rushing out because I was thinking why so of course it seemed dramatic, but I wanted to know if he was ok because I am a concerned wife like that but he’s going to the gym of course, like he told me that. Slamming the bedroom door shut, he went to bed later then me, I was knocked out asleep by twelve and he stayed awake, hearing a light knock at the door which I know who that is “come in” taking my robe off “woke the damn apartment up there, I got worried” throwing my robe to the side “sorry” I apologised to Mel “has he gone?” Turning to her “he has, I’m going back to sleep, he’s gone to gym. He went last night, just annoyed me” walking around the bed “can I snuggle with you, but you sleep on his side” I huffed out walking back around the bed “fine, I need a snuggle” I said poking my lips out as I did, I missed Mel.

Not only is Mel is here I have Tina too just sat on my bed, I woke them all up “I feel so bad that I woke you all, I really am. Just he got out of bed so quickly, went to the bathroom and then left so I was like what the fuck. I ended up jumping out of bed and chasing him to find out, but I think I will be talking to him about going back to therapy, I think it’s something he needs. Talk about his feelings now and what is happening because I don’t like that he is feeling that way, as a wife I want to be there for him, but California really left a bad taste in his mouth, I feel like he’s not trusting either so yeah, I need to chase him up about it. Sorry ladies” I apologised for waking them up “it’s ok, I am checking on emails anyways, and I have one from Jay Brown. Let’s read” I wonder what he’s going to say about the magazine cover thing, I spoke to him about it yesterday so he must have got an answer by now “ok then, so he has a taker, please speak to Rih about this, we have Vogue, and they are willing to pay over a million, a million being starting but they will outbid anyone for this, let her know” raising an eyebrow “starting price a million? I am interested, I like that. Tell him I accept but tease them about it and see what he gets for it, I mean like if he can get more. So what you think I should do, I want to give the money from this to Chris, he’s saying no. Child fund, and I’m like what!? But he’s refusing, so I said a joint account, he can access it. We’re married now but he’s being stubborn” Mel groaned out “he’s married and still stubborn ok, open the joint and account and do it, give him the card. This man deserves no choices Robyn. Listen to me on this” Mel is right, I can’t give him that choice.

I am still laughing at Mel saying that this man deserves no choices, she is right, and I will eventually get Chris to come around and get him to understand things from my point of view “Tina, TT!” I shouted; she can open us a joint account “yes!?” She spat “open me a joint account, his date of birth is fifth, fifth, eighty nine. Thank you, I need to just take it into my own hands but be on Jay’ case about the Vogue thing, I also have an appointment today, my first checkup!” I shrieked “really!? You never said, that quick? You been here two days” I clapped my hands together smiling “I know! But Tina said who I was and what I need, and they booked me in straight away. See how my name travels, they heard Rihanna and they jumped but yeah, I am so nervous about it. They said they have a slot free for me. Tina said as soon as she said Rihanna they were saying we will keep her privacy, please come from the back of the hospital someone will meet you there and whatever but yeah, how exciting. My first prenatal appointment for my baby, I am so excited. I am a little nervous but excited. I can’t wait to see how my baby is, I want to make sure it is ok before I go to London. I do want to make sure it’s ok because anything can be wrong, so I have pumped myself up for anything bad, I have Chris with me but physically I know I am ok, I know I will be. I have been praying to god every night to keep my baby safe so yeah, please pray for me” Mel cooed out “that is sweet Rih, I know that baby will be fine. You have been careful within yourself; you’re not stressed out unless that caveman you married is up to something” I chuckled “you are so mean” Mel laughed out “No, I like Chris, but he talks shit. Like my nigga, the money is there take it. You’re his wife Robyn, sometimes you need to take the lead, don’t ask him things you know he will not want because of his ego, chile. The man is so egotistical” Mel has a point this is why I have just told Tina to do it, I can’t just sit here and let him say no when I want him to have it.

Looking over at Chris, he has taken his time, he comes back now “we have the appointment in an hour” he threw the keys to the side “yeah, I am here now. I will have a shower, but I got this” he made his way over to me “what is it?” I frowned looking at what he’s got, he placed the bottle in front of me “it’s for your constipation, I asked the lady and she said this will have push the stool out like she called it, she said it will help you” I laughed staring at the bottle “don’t tell me she recognized you” Chris shook his head “awww thank you, I do need something too. Give me a kiss” poking my lips out, he leaned down and pecked my lips “ok go and shower now, I am ready anyways” Chris walked off as Tina made her way in “morning” Chris said to Tina “oh morning, sorry. I am just busy, yeah. Robyn” Tina jumped over the couch with her MacBook in hand “watch it” she near dropped that “so, Jay Brown said call him on IM” I groaned out, I don’t feel like talking but I guess I will because it must be important.

Waving at Tina “call him” I want her to do it “lazy ass, I was already doing it because I know you” she placed it on speakerphone and placed the phone on the table “don’t tell me Rihanna can’t be bothered to talk” Jay knows me “I am here actually” I said “oh yeah, I am sorry. I am just so excited to tell you this news, Rih. You’re going to be the highest paid magazine cover in the world, you hear me!? In the world, forget Tom Cruise daughter or Brad and Angelina first kids’ photos, it is all about Rihanna and Chris Brown on Vogue, they are wanting the exclusives with an interview, no photoshoot needed because we have the pictures but are you ready? I know I said a million or whatever but this, because I said an interview, both of you. I mean it’s more but fifteen million Robyn, fifteen fucking million” my mouth hung open in shock “wait” I didn’t think this was even that serious “how!? Oh my god!” I shouted “you’re Rihanna, nobody knows you’re married. The only magazine in the world with the exclusive, so they will have the rights to the pictures so any other magazine wants to use it, they have to pay Vogue, so in a way they will get the money back from it, so what you think” I am shook “oh fuck! Yes! Where is the contact!?” I shouted “jheez, my girls. Fifteen milli? Ain’t nobody is doing it like you, no bitch!” Mel spat, I am so shocked “while I was offering around, I got GQ wanting to pay for you and Chris to do a little question time, a couple one. I know you said that you want Chris to be more known, they are paying well too if you can think about that one, but I will leave you to it, good choice that you are doing this” he disconnected the call “fifteen million? My ass he’s rejecting having that, we are getting a joint account and we can just use it from there” I am shook, my worth is high as hell.

I can’t believe it; I am still shook. I have been shook since I have been told. I haven’t told Chris yet; I haven’t even mentioned it to him even in the car. I was so just so quiet because I am shocked, that is a lot of money for some pictures. I mean they’re not any old pictures, they are precious but to sell them and to make that much money is crazy. I have just been in my own thoughts since arriving at the waiting room for my appointment “I can’t believe it Chris” I finally spoke, I think I am ready to speak on it “believe what? You have been rather quiet, you annoyed with me about something?” shaking my head, turning to Chris in the seat “so Jay Brown has sorted it out, meaning the pictures. Guess how much they are wanting to pay us?” Chris squinted his eyes unsure “well because you’re very excited I am guessing about five million? I mean that is a lot for some pictures” he just said that “you think we are worth just that, but anyways. Now listen to me, I want you to just listen to me first” Chris is not happy already “so I have opened us a joint account, whether you like it or not. We are married now and we need to be adults, we are going to be parents so I have opened one and that is what we will use when it comes to us, you can have your own bank account also but we have a joint one, anyways rant over but. They are paying Fifteen million” Chris’ eyes widened and jumped up, I mean I reacted crazy too but him “shut up?” he said shocked “I swear, fifteen million for the pictures and an interview with us both, we will be getting a little more from the GQ video thing but yeah, fifteen million Chris. And the money will be in the joint account, put the money back in your business and grow it, grow yourself and build yourself up, sit down though” I patted the seat, Chris is shook “Robyn that is a lot of money, we don’t ever need to work, we can hide away” he sat back down “true but no, money runs out, think of the lifestyle so, I want you to see your therapist yeah? Just check in on him, something is annoying you, you don’t need to admit anything to me, I just want you to do it, for yourself please?” I pleaded with him, I want him to do it “I will, I think I need too. I want to do it because I want to be better for you, so yes” smiling lightly at him “thank you, I love you so much. I know something is off with you” holding onto his hand “I am well though” he reassured me “I know, you are ok just sometimes you need to speak to someone that is not me. I can imagine I am annoying sometimes, right?” he can say no but I know I am.

Walking into the doctor’s office for the first time, just not any doctor’s office but my first prenatal “hello, I am Audrey Moruzzi” shaking her hand “Robyn” she smiled at me, more like to say I know who the hell you are “Chris” sitting down on the chair “I specialise in Obstetrics and Gynaecology, I will be with you throughout this whole journey, please ask me anything. Me and Keren will be assisting you, she will be on call for you every day and night, so you do not have to worry. How are you both?” she asked, looking over at Chris thinking he was going to ask but he is quiet “nervous to say the least, I am just excited but nervous with me losing the baby the first time around, but I have been ever so careful, I haven’t rushed into anything, I have kept calm about things and just had lots of rest, that is what I needed when I was first time pregnant, so yeah. We are both nervous” Audrey is writing things down ever so quickly, whatever these things mean “I see, well as long you are taking the necessary procedures to give yourself that rest then that is fine, I am sure you are feeling more fatigue?” nodding my head “very much so” sighing out “and constipated” Chris added, of course he did “and what he said, men” rolling my eyes “you tell them once and they never drop it” nudging him “all normal things to happen so, we will take urine, blood. We need to do these tests and we will do a full examination of your pelvis, this will be your longest appointment here, when did you find out you was pregnant?” she asked “I think I got caught in the middle of November, I was working it out that I would have the baby in August I think, but I found out just around December time, middle I would say again because I told Chris on Christmas Day” I am awful with dates “that is fine, we will work it out for you, shall we start” she got up from her seat.

She meant it when she said that it would be long, we had to wait for the results which of course have just come back now so we are back in the room, they took so many blood samples from me, I didn’t like it “so we got the results, and we can confirm that you are pregnant!” she spat “we have to confirm it ourselves and yes you are well and truly pregnant, your results have all come back perfect. There is no major concerns from me on my end, so if you what you are saying is true well about the dates, you will be seven weeks pregnant, now with a scan you won’t see much but what I am going to do is give you a transvaginal ultrasound now this is because you suffered a miscarriage already, we just want to check over everything is ok there. Twelve to thirteen week scan is the most important, we get to see more of the baby. Transvaginal is not comfortable to say the least but shall we see?” nodding my head, I am happy with anything. I really want to know if my baby is ok “and just to add, we may see just something ever so small or we may not see anything which is nothing bad because we will see the sac, but let’s not be concerned so early on, come. Let’s go and check” Audrey got up from the seat, I guess I got to go through this shit to see if my baby is ok, I hope it’s not that uncomfortable like she says.

Oh this is nor comfortable at all, she is right. Looking at Chris and he just looked at me “you all wide open like that” that is all he cares about “be quiet, this is actually the longest thing I have had inside me” I couldn’t help myself, I had to say it “see, now why are you lying? This is the stupid shit that come out of your mouth woman” I snorted laughing “I am joking, I needed some entertainment and you’re sat there mute thinking why my legs are wise open, childish” Chris squeezed my hand smiling “you just never this wide open with me, that is all” rolling my eyes “you’re annoying” pulling a face, I don’t like it “so the baby is seven weeks, you are correct with the dates. Now I am printing some pictures where I can explain to you, but it’s just a very small crows, the baby is about 8 millimetres. But I am happy with what I saw, very healthy Mrs Fenty-Brown” Audrey got up “Keren is just getting the pictures” Chris placed covers over me, I don’t know where he got them from but he did “some privacy” what is he like, of course he did that “Mrs Fenty-Brown” Keren held out a polaroid to me “as I said, you won’t see much but what you are seeing is a crown rump length of baby and the foetus is the gestational sac, which is filled with fluid” that is crazy “oh my gosh, that tiny thing is just a pea, you call it pea drop” this is crazy “yes, very tiny for now. But come twelve weeks you will see the change, the baby grows so quick” placing my hand over my mouth, I feel shocked “we are really going to be parents” my voice broke, Chris pressed a kiss to my forehead “I am so proud of you” wiping my tears that fell.

#chrianna #chrianna ff #chrianna fanfiction #fanfic #fanfiction #chriannaff

5 notes · View notes

b0ttl3d-up-st4rs · 3 years

Text

Well I'm gonna do what I do best and self reflect to an insane amount. This is probably gonna be a long post so buckle up.

To be honest my behavior for nearly the past year now is concerning to say the least. There's this little voice in my head that just desperately wants to get more and more hurt, more and more traumatized. Why is that? At first glance the negative approach could be to say its some sort of masochistic behavior and any negative repercussions as a result of this behavior is deserved, but I don't really think thats the case.

Self sabotage is a characteristic that can be exhibited in many mentally ill people and I am no exception. I think this behavior, of seeking to be hurt by grown men on the internet is partially self sabotage.

And I remember when I first started this shit show, I just wanted attention. Sounds mean to say, but craving attention is something the human soul desperately wants. And I was starting to feel some sense of self beauty but I didn't feel as though anyone around me was appreciating it so I tried to get attention from grown men because being showered in compliments and attention felt so good when my whole life I've never gotten any of that.

I think there's more too it, though. Looking back my whole life it's almost as if I've wanted to get hurt. In books I liked to sit around with the pain the characters felt. And its almost like I wanted to get traumatized. I've heard that people with trauma that they don't acknowledge is trauma or think its bad enough to be traumatizing seek put worse forms of trauma, in order to feel that pain is valid. And I think that's part of my issue too.

I do have unaddressed and repressed childhood trauma. I was given unrestricted internet at a young age and was exposed to the horrors of the internet. Nothing like straight up porn, but a lot of suggestive content. And in general being exposed to that caused me a lot of catholic guilt as I was raised catholic. I remember feeling like knowing these things were my fault. Many days I felt so guilty that I would pray to god to let me not wake up in the morning.

As a child I also questioned my religion a lot, which i think was traumatic in itself. Religion is a big thing. And as a kid I had a big issue knowing reality from fiction. Heck I still do. I remember as a kid my friend telling me that we were all demigods and one day we were going to run away to camp half blood. That the percy jackson books were real. It sounds stupid now, but I processed that as real and it was so stressful for me.

And I remember being 12 coming out as trans and as a part of the lgbtq community to my parents. They didnt react well. They said I was confused. My mom said I was both too young and too old to know. I fought a lot with my mom. And in general have a lot of unhappy memories from then. I was outed multiple times in my life.

My relationship with my parents still isnt good. My mom has a tendency to be toxic. I hate that I have to stay in the closet around my family its so painful. Like a month ago I mentioned the lgbtq community for the first time in years, asking my mom her opinions on it and if it changed since 2017, and it turned into her yelling at me and making herself a victim. It really hurt. I forgot how much it hurt.

I don't really have much of a relationship with my dad. We barely talk. Hes very emotionally distant. When I'm at my dad's house I sort of fend for myself. Its the exact opposite at my moms house. She's overbearing and never leaves you alone. It's like going between to extremes.

And honestly I can't wait to move out. My mom and I have arguments a lot. But hey at least I have some relationship with her, I don't really have a relationship with my dad.

I remember one time this year, I was during the end of a school semester. I needed to catch up on work because after talking to my abuser for like 5 months and then unlocking him I was left in shambles and fell into a really bad depression to where my motivation for school just disapeared. Im still dealing with that tbh. Anyways I had to go to a online meeting to choose my classes and I didn't get to choose the classes I thought I would be able to, and that made me really upset. But after the meeting I had to go to do am act of kindness (I chose picking up litter at a graveyard cause i like graveyards) for my school project but I was still distraught. If I was given some time to myself I probably wouldve been able to go without issue, but my mom wanted to go immediately. We argued. And when I got there I refused to leave the car because I felt so much like shit. We argued more. It was the worst argument I ever had. She even swore at me. Which she's never done before. And she ended up playing victim again. She does that a lot I guess. And doesn't really listen to my feelings. Whenever I try to communicate about my feelings with her it turns into an argument and she makes it about herself. So yeah our relationship isn't the greatest. And I think having mommy and daddy issues is a trauma in itself. Ppl deserve to have happy healthy supportive families.

Oh right and another trauma I completely forgot (funny how that happens) is when I was 14 and admitted to a mental hospital because I tried to off myself. It was so surreal and they forced me to learn how to make eye contact with people cause apparently thats "how they know im doing ok". Which is kinda fucked considering the fact I recently realized I might be autistic. And eye contact is literally so painful for me. It especially was back then. Anyways the place itself wasnt too bad but the feeling of being trapped overall sucks and being disconnected from the rest of the world isnt fun either. Also I dissociate all the time but I especially dissociated hard thru the whole experience. And sort of made myself into the perfect patient, repeating all their bs and literally lying to myself to convince myself that I was ok so they would let me go. So that was kind of weird.

Anyways I know I have it better than others. And honestly sometimes it's hard to tell what exactly was traumatic in my childhood. I probably forgot and repressed other parts of it too and am forgetting things. But needless to say these unaddressed traumas didn't help my mental state. And i do think that's a big part of the voice in my head begging me to just get hurt more.

Overall my mental state is fucked, It's been really hard for me not to be taken advantage of by another internet pedo. Heck the only reason that isn't happening rn is because no ones dmed me yet. Also I unblocked my old abuser and we are talking again now so thats fun. It definitely doesnt help the cognitive dissonance in my brain of him being actually a nice and supportive dude. I think thats also a part of me wanting to get more traumatized. Since my abuser is a nice person that should counteract all the fucked up sexual things he said to me in the past right? I mean others have it worse, had worse abusers that were actively cruel. That's part of the bitch in my subconscious brain talking. It sucks tbh.

Anyways yeah I probably need therapy but I don't feel comfortable talking about this to my current counselor and honestly its really hard to say out loud. I can talk forever about it by writing it down but the moment I speak words from my dumbass mouth I break down in tears and can't do it. Plus idk, I'm scared if I say anything she'll have to tell my parents and that my phone might be taken away or I'll have less privacy and for a closeted queer where my only current life line is the internet and my online friends: that is a terrifying idea. Idk. I'm fucked basically.

2 notes · View notes

tartagliaxx · 3 years

Note

hihihi this is really important i have spotted a fellow barbie enthusiast and the chILDE HC ADKNRWOFKS

ahem

your fav movie and why? least fav movie? fav love interest? FAV S O N G/SOUNDTRACK? 😳 thank u for your service ❤️

pls i will do anything to discuss barbie movies with ppl 😃

OHOH AND WHICH DO YOU THINK ARE CHILDE’S FAVS/LEAST FAVS? (of the above qs)

this is so chaotic...on another note i’ve been dying to talk to u but i’m too s h y lfmaofjs you’re so lovely so thank u barbie for being the gateway for me to say smth to u again 😎

hope ur keeping well and hydrated!! 🦋💞 xx (i—don’t know if u can remember me via my trademark sign off 😃 but that’s ok if u don’t lmaoo)

HELLOOOO!!! ofc i remember you bby!! so nice of you to drop by 💕✨ i am doing very well, thank you for your concern! i hope you are too uwu! i also see a highly intellectual being who’s both a childe simp and a barbie enthusiast 👀

huge and long barbie analysis utc!

my favorite movie is probably princess charm school ONLY because delancy was a bad bitch and i stan her and bc that horrid, horrid scene w blair tripping and busting into this wack ass modern hiphop dance in the middle of nowhere is so ridiculously funny. i am sure its both the worst and best thing they could ever have done. also the harry potter wannabe is an accurate representation of my last standing brain cell. least favorite movie is probably nutcracker? no specific reason i just dont vibe w it very well. OMG my favorite one is ken in fashion fairy tale. he carried the whole movie ahahahahhaha. literally would pay to see more of the exasperated, ‘im-having-the-worst-time-of-my-life-in-paris’ ken. i remember the airplane scene and the one with the pig AHAHAHHAHA peak comedy. as for the favorite song,, might be cheating BUT all the songs in the diamond castle soundtrack is a bop and i love it.

feel free to send in more barbie brainrot. lowkey also curious about your answers to the same questions🤧

i am inclined to say that his fav movie would be three musketeers bc duh action (childe lives for that scene where they make their weapons and clothes... also the training montage) BUT listen... childe would one hundred percent love princess and the pauper bc of preminger. he totally lives off his dramatic ass and jokingly copied his antics to piss off his siblings but somehow, some of it stuck w him and now he sometimes unironically act like him w/o him noticing. least fav movie would be barbie diaries. he HATES it. he thinks its corny and stupid and cheesy and just... he gets nightmares over the horrid animation (ngl he does like a few lines tho). his favorite love interests? are the twins in diamond castle. he loves the humor and the jokes and the charming (in his eyes at least) vibe. i would go as far as saying he probs acts like them on purpose when trying to woo someone of their feet. second runner up would be aidan for that sass and sarcasm but still reliable vibe. fav song is a round back to preminger’s solo: how can i refuse. i just see him singing it in the shower ahahahhahaha. or maybe the twins’ song in diamond castle. the uhhhhh double vision? one. imagine him doing the guitar riffs in the air w stupid guitar vocalizations. he would be so ashamed if someone sees him but he cant help it... it’s his true nature 👀

oh my god this ended up being so long ashajallajsal my bad my bad. i got carried away and did this word vomit. barbie just gives me so much nostalgia and i want to flex my useless knowledge over it bc my family had a passed down cd compilation of barbie films and its just— i binged them every single day after classes. i loved them bc princesses duh but now i love them bc its just so.. full of crack mentality and i totally live for that.

and pls,, feel free to send an ask about anything! like i dont mind you telling me abt your day, or asking for advices or questions and even more brainrot like this! i understand how it feels to have extreme shyness but i promise!! i dont bite and i would love to be friends ❤️

you’re so sweet and take care of yourself bby!!

#lei.answers #withlove.🦋💞

3 notes · View notes

arabvllas-blog · 6 years

Text

i don’t actually know how to write intros, i’d rather just kms but let’s give it a try anyway . . . also, disclaimer / i started writing this like three hours ago but right as i was getting to the good stuff my stomach did some freaky weird shit so i had to improvise the rest which is. . . messy, At Best ! but regardless, i hope you don’t judge me too much ? my name is zee, i’m 20 years old and i’m from the gmt timezone. i also use she/her pronouns. under the cut, i’ll be introducing you to ARABELLA HOWARD, who’s small, blonde, and troubled. sounds interesting ? then please give it a like and i’ll hop on your IMs so that we can plot something dramatic and juicy <3

&. 【 is that OLIVIA HOLT ? oh, never mind, it’s just ARABELLA HOWARD. the CIS FEMALE originally from GRANDVIEW. SHE is majoring in FINANCE and is TWENTY years old. i also hear they’re INCISIVE, yet sometimes PITILESS. they apparently told detective’s they were ava’s TUTOR. i have a feeling there’s more to the story than that !

tw: abuse mention b a c k s t o r y :

arabella elise howard was born to a fairytale — her mother had been a professor with her round glasses hidden by stacks of books, while her father lived life without a worry, flying from country to country and enjoying the best money could buy. it didn’t make sense for their paths to cross, and it didn’t make sense for matthew howard to fall head over heels for the shy yet headstrong theresa wayne, but they did ; he did. and soon enough, he was whispering loving words to a big belly that housed the very product of their love.

but perhaps because it all seemed too good to be true, their happiness was short-lived. on the eve of arabella’s 3rd birthday, matthew’s car skidded along the icy roads, ending the couple’s life. too young to even notice their absence, arabella was handed over to her mother’s sister — she was a toddler reaching aimlessly for the same head of blonde hair that she’d known since birth. except this one wasn’t as kind, and surely not as loving.

leila wayne had loved her little sister, and had taken care of her when their senile parents couldn’t. growing up, there wasn’t one without the other. theresa was leila’s pride, the one wayne that would succeed and remember her big sister on the way up. that was until matthew barged in, corrupting her sibling, feeding her lies and stealing her away across the country. there wasn’t a day that went by that leila was sure theresa would still be alive if not for that man. him and his lies, convincing theresa that leila was too controlling, too obsessed, that she wanted her little sister to stay in the gutter with her.

the more she looked at arabella, and those dark eyes she’d inherited from her father, the more hatred festered in leila’s heart. she was the only living family that could take care of the orphaned howard child; how ironic.

growing up, arabella was almost fooled into thinking her home life was normal. the screaming at every mistake, the poor dinner comprised of day-old takeouts, the wasted mattress on the corner of the room that she curled into, whimpering as the lights went off and leila locked the door for the night. but still, some part of her knew deep down, that she had once known more; known better. and it was those blurry dreams of loving hugs and white-teeth smiles that kept the child, then teenager, alive.

after here i got sick so bear with me as i try to complete this fajsidas

she was often alone for most part of her teenage years, burying herself in whatever books she got at the school library. because she couldn’t relate to the rest of the peers her age, arabella focused all her attention towards studying and making sure she could one day get as far away from her aunt as possible. she got a competitive streak, often harboring anger and envy towards anyone that got a better grade than her, though it meant she was always pushing herself to do better — but not always better for her, but better than them.

teachers and counselors often considered arabella as a rare gem, supporting her all the way to college applications and assuring her there was no way she wouldn’t get a scholarship with her record. so it was really a slap to the face when everyone started getting acceptance letters but her. until she discovered them ripped apart and half burnt in the trash, courtesy of leila. when confronted, the older woman claimed she was just like her mother. so eager to get away, to act like she was a monster they had to run from. but she refused to let arabella leave, like theresa had. ( i’m sure there would be a way to reverse this but idk enough about american education so let’s just go w it for the sake of the story). it was a tipping point, the last drop of water that would send the vase tipping over. that night, arabella locked her aunt in the same room she had spent her childhood in, lights turned off, the only sound the faint rumble of cars passing by. no matter how much the woman yelled, slammed, begged, she turned her back and packed the little she had been given. two days later, as the cab driver hauled up her luggage in the trunk, arabella unlocked the door to a passed out and starving leila, and left without saying goodbye.

she ended up going to her last choice aka grandview, while living alone in her little shoebox apt that was all hers, with lots of light. and when the opportunity actually came to attend oakridge, arabella was the first to take it. while it wasn’t her dream college, it was still a prestigious one, and since ridding herself of the dead weight in her life, she’d started planning to rise as far as they would let her go. far enough that the whispers in the dark couldn’t get to her.

p e r s o n a l i t y and t i d b i t s :

very self-centered, only ever concerned about her and what happens to her and will this affect her ? really the last person to go to if you want someone to listen… that one girl that zones out when someone starts monologuing and comes back only when her name is mentioned. has a hard time feeling sympathy, especially if you’re rich.

always overthinks her words and waits 5 seconds before speaking to make sure it’s exactly what she wants to say and if it’s something bitchy then that’s just the way it is. but she’s more reserved than outgoing, so if she does say smth mean you just really asked for it. or it’s finals time.

driven and dedicated about her academics…. like obviously they all are but she’s a freak about it. i’m talking redbull intoxication feat. one of those pinterest pics of like a bunch of coffee cups just laying around like someone’s got time to spare. if she’s not studying, she’s reading…. likes classics but also occasionally reads NA in the middle of the night because no one will ever know.

is very scared of the dark. can’t sleep without a light on, or two on very hard days. once in highschool some kids decided to prank the teacher and turn off all lights and blinds in the classroom and she had a panic attack that led them all to detention. it was a very rough year, kids are cruel.

tutored ava for a while in english because it meant some cash on the side, but was about to quit before she died simply because ava was getting better grades and that was really a bitch ass of a situation. her first reaction when she heard of her death was that at least she didn’t have to have an awkward conversation with her about it. . . but then she was a shocked and a little sad, i promise. well, i don’t promise promise but. . .

majors in finance, hates it. she was definitely going for a english major but realistically decided it wasn’t worth putting herself in debt for it ( no offense for any english majors. ) doesn’t actually know what she wants to do with her life after she graduates. she only knows how to be a student, not an actual working woman.

in summary, arabella elise howard is a broke, over-achieving, cold twenty year old who’s only 5′3 and thinks she can still be intimidating.

#oakridgehqooc #❛ [ᴇʟᴇᴀɴᴏʀ sʜᴇʟʟsᴛʀᴏᴘ ᴠᴄ] ғᴏʀᴋ ! ❜ . . . 𝓸𝓸𝓬 ☰ eight.

6 notes · View notes

2wenty · 3 years

Text

Relationship obsessive

How does this make me feel: …bad lmao

How can I change this: work on my trust

I feel like I definitely take after my mom in relationships lmaoo I’m a fucking ROD lmaoo like to the definition, one thing about I’m loyal asf and loving asf and I just see the good in everyone 🌚 lmaoo but some of the people I meet are no good lmao I’m definitely a socialite…. Ong!! That’s cunty, but I’m the cute cool socialite I think. The one that dropped off the face of the planet but like we be seeing him on ppls story, he’s doing something cute, he can dress…he can dress?? That’s it? Anybody can fucking dress..what does he do??? Is it cool??

…i don’t do much 🤔 I be in the house watching netflix… but I mean in my defense IM BROKE & it’s PANDEMIC..but like lowkey mfs be going out still.,probably catching covid but still.

Bitch you need a car…asap lmaoo and as soon as you get a car and can wherever when ever …. WHY WOULD TF WOULD YOU BE IN THE HOUSE 😂😂😂, I’m concerned that I sound stupid because I’m listening to my stoned brain talk and boy these natural thoughts are stupid lmaooo I mean drugs really just bring out your absolute self 🌚

It’s 11:54pm and I’m waiting on breakfast lmaoo… I was thinking about typing about something….yea idk. OH! JOSH Chile I need to stop fronting i don’t really like that boy lmaoo he’s kind of corny but like go for the corny nigga…but he a flirt… HE TO FRIENDLY!!! But who he friendly with is the real question — pause— your displaying some trust issues… it’s no way people without trust issues exist??? Like lmaooo I refuse to believe those are stable relationships like I’m giving you all my trust and i don’t trust people so like I hold in a lot of shit. But in all reality if I lived my life publicly and just not gave a fuck..where would land my personality? Would I be like my dad 🧍🏽‍♂️?? Ew. I’m undoing a lot of what I was taught as a child and this process is but really just on the behalf of the shit that my dad taught me and more so what my mom taught me.. I’m not thinking by my own mind…. I need to get the hell out of that house 🌚 like get me a van NEOWWW . Lmaoo likeee my family is lowkey evil not even evil just like— I’m not gonna shit on them in a public forum 🌚

#journal #randome thoughts #this is problematic #self help #self healing

1 note · View note

robwholefoods · 4 years

Text

So my healthcare at this hospital I go to. Say.. Kaiser/temporarye.....

Transphobia out the ass. I changed my name 4 or 5 times now or had it requested. Changed it myself on their shitty .org app and STILL their doctors keep calling me by the dead name I asked them not to. Not even for verification! They generally keep misgendering me. Specifically my GP, which is even more concerning. He shows little concern or empathy for my symptoms which brings me to

He never fucking listens. He always goes to acne and anxiety because I look like a young 20 year old woman. Which seriously sucks when you think you might be suffering from underlying causes!!!!!! Idk what's wrong but something is wrong and my pediatrician was much different in her treatment methods and they WORKED

also their pharmacy is filled with blockheads. Not all. But man the supervisor at my local location keeps saying he trusts his staff when in reality they have fucked up my prescription orders 3 TIMES IN A ROW NOW.

One time I actually had a VERY VERY VERY bad reaction to it. Well two. But this one time I was DYING because dumb bitch gave me a prescription that my psychiatrist crossed off my list. Accidents happen sure but this was NEGLIGENCE and could have been a FATAL slip up...

I get they don't wanna write ppl up and risk firing someone during corona and all but if they're fucking up THIS BAD why are you choosing to act cowardly? Unhelpful? Rude? I can BET he wouldn't use that tone with a white lady or something

He didn't use that tone around my mom lololol btw I look Mexican and I brought her up JUST to see how different he would treat me in front of her, a non Mexican looking model minority that probably shared his ethnicity

Also that one supervisor rang me up and literally forgot one of my two items and I was like ???????? Are you serious???? Do I really have to catch you again?????????? I mentioned it and he got so flustered. As he should. He spent 30 minutes blaming me so I had to interrupt him and demand he focus his attention of refilling my damn prescription. He looked like a fucking CHILD with how angry he was that I didn't want my time wasted any longer. Idk why he was angry? Some people are just like that and shouldn't be working if it's too stressful and they end up acting like a complete fucking ass.

They also charge $5 for Band-Aids after you get an IV at the emergency room and stick one on you!!!!? 5????? That's a whole box bitch they don't even sparkle

They also keep insisting hormones despite me NOT WANTING TO TRANSITION and also THAT ISNT A GOOD IDEA WHEN IM ALREADY STRUGGLING WITH HORMONES WTFFFFFFFF

they also have rude as fuck classist staff

Most of their employees are either poc pressured by their parents to get into the medical field or in it for the big bucks bc their families could afford their schooling

Sometimes both.

Hannah from psychiatry rocks btw shout out to the nice people that just work alongside assholes that stress out patients sorry you go through it too

I wouldn't recommend kaisertemorarye for shit especially if you're dying

Oh yeah and all my overweight friends agree that these people will not treat you if you're fat

They have refused me so much to the point I feel pressure to harm myself for them to see how badly it hurts sometimes. Like letting a disease or infection develop over years bc they have denied me help for so long

They only help once it has gotten so bad that you need surgery or something BIG and EXPENSIVE

They book my appointments so that they overlap EVERY TIME doesn't matter what department

Doctors always out on vacation and lazy as fuck so don't expect a speedy email if they ignore your calls

The nurses are overworked and underpaid

They hate women and the likes who don't want to reproduce

They hate gay men so much it's crazy dude my homie tried to donate blood and he said he was gay and they said fuck outta here basically

They charge you for talking to what feels like everyone. No one will just talk to you for free or help you even. They will run you in five circles first.

Well too tired to go on but that's why I hate my health provider thanks for coming to my poorly put together Ted talk

Pls send me your injustice rants bc I feel isolated and I'm so tired of not getting the treatment I need as well as this shitty healthcare... I kinda just want to cry and give up...

#kaiser #kp #kaiser California #healthcare #hospital #kaiser permanente #disability #haes #rant

0 notes

exquisitelyeco · 7 years

Text

Slave or master.........my precious?

Today I want to talk about Gollom, or Smeagol, as his real name was, from Lord of the Rings. I have touched on him before. And I want to go deeper. J. R. R. Tolkien hit on something really profound in the character of Smeagol. Basically, Smeagol found the one ring. The MAIN ring. Made by the evil Lord Sauron, to control all the other rings, he had helped make. He deceived the elves and tricked them. But, when all looked lost, the ring was cut from his finger. By Isildor. But it’s power of evil and mans greed for control, tricked Isildor, who took it for himself. Instead of destroying it. He was killed within the hour. But he did so much worse. He BOUND his entire bloodline to the ring. (Bloodline is SERIOUS. And can cause untold damage. I will post of that another time) and because of that, his bloodline was cursed. Until such a time, thousands of years later, one stood up and did what was right. But it took THOUSANDS of years for that to happen. So the ring fell into the Anduin river, and all thought it was lost. What carelessness and stupidity, not to check! Carelessness, no wonder God said we will be judged for it! How many die, each day, purely down to their own carelessness or somebody else’s? Another blog entry for another time…. And Gollums friend Deagol found it. Almost immediately it’s evil came alive and Smeagol murdered Deagol to get it. He became outcast. And fled into the darkness……what a parallel! He was eaten away by the ring, until he was a mockery, a hideous shadow of who he really was. Eventually, the ring consumed him, literally, in the fires of Mount Doom, they perished together.

Why did he have two names? Why both Smeagol and Gollum? Smeagol was the person he really was. A water hobbit. Small, hardworking and jolly, if it was anything like the kind of hobbit Bilbo, who found the ring, from Gollum…..was. But the evil of the ring, and Smeagol own choices to keep it, wrought a terrible change in him. He could not forgive himself for the murder of Deagol, because he would not let go of the ring. The ring needed to be let go of, so he could have and been free from it’s evil. But it’s evil and his choice to keep it hounded him. Day after day. Year after year. And he began to make sounds in his throat, a Gollum sound, gulping. And he earned the name of Gollum, which was the name that ultimately killed him. Hiding in the darkness changed his appearance. He lost much of his hair, and the rest became like string. He lost many of his teeth. The remaining ones became sharp, due to his change in diet. Rather than eating normal food, he now ate raw food, but worse, even orcs, the same kind of meat as a human. His eyes grew used to the dark so much, that he hated both the sun and moon. Who he was, totally had changed. Inside and out. Because of his choice to do and live with evil. And I see the parallel with us. Sin, (Or our damage, for a different way of saying it) causes us to change. It makes a mockery of who we originally were. And like Gollum, the more we choose evil, the more we refuse to change our habits and belief systems, the more of a mockery we become.

In our culture today, and since the word ‘teenager’ was coined in the 50’s, every generation has blamed youth for being rebellious and selfish. But you know what? I have learned that is a lie. Sure, teenagers are selfish and rebellious! But it does not REMAIN in them! It’s part of their growing up and learning who they are! But the baby boomers, those who were born into the luxury of the new National health service. The new support from the government, if you were unemployed, benefits if you became ill or disabled. Where food was now abundant. New appliances changed the whole way of life and made it easier. Some of this generation are disgraceful. Rude, grasping, and not wanting others, like the Pharisees, to have what they have had. I have had more judgement, more rude treatment, more contempt and lack of thanks and help from this generation than any other. And they should know so much better. Don’t get me wrong. As I said, they are not all like that! But from my own, personal experience of that, there are more I personally have come across, that ARE like that, than not. Take the mats for the door step. One states ‘Living it up on our children’s inheritance’ that’s is disgusting. The bible states that good parents leave an inheritance for their children. Be it money or character. But the point I am trying to make, is they have not learned. They are still totally selfish in their attitude. It’s all about ME. Yes. This culture is too. But so many more in this generation, could teach us SO much! They have so much knowledge and understanding. But they refuse to use it. They hide their light under a basket. And the most horrid and worrying thing is, they will not CHANGE. They have become set in their ways. And I see more Gollums everyday. More attitude, more blaming others, more lack of responsibility from them. Wanting everyone else to pick up responsibilities for them. Thinking it their right. Thinking we owe it to them. Moaning how much they have put in, and yet how MUCH have they taken out? And it’s still not enough. But worse, they do not want anybody else to have it!

Sadly I do not know many wise, kind older people. I see many older people trying to act like younger people but with an attitude that reminds me of the smell of dog shit. What an example! It’s disgusting. Recently I have had so many problems with these people. And been hurt by them. Even bitten by one of their dogs, which went for my guide dog, but got me, and they walked off! Every young person will either ask, or I hear their parents explain, a guide dog is a working dog. Not to be petted. Now if people ask me, and I am not busy, I LOVE to stop and talk! To explain how my sight works, how my guide dog got her very special name. How guide dogs have changed my life. And let them pet her. But this generation hardly EVER ask! So this one lady, her dog was not controlled. She was talking, taking up the whole pavement, which was narrow. There were three or four of them. All chatting, standing blocking the way. So getting past, without being hit by a car was not good. And her dog went for my guide dog. I asked her to keep her dog under control. Her response was unbelievable. She said ‘Go away!’ Like I was a piece of dog crap. She kept on saying it. Her husband, who should have known better, backed her up. I was disgusted and walked away. And as I did she was still being provocative being rude. I tell you, I wanted to smash her face in. Rude, uneducated, spoilt bitch. Just like her dog was. Her dog was unhappy and discontented. And because this lady was not open, one day her dog will go for somebody, and she will be forced to put it down. Her own fault. What a lack of love and care for her poor dog. She is a Gollum, loud and clear.

Another lady. My dog and I are in a shop, Onska is being perfectly well behaved and patient. Waiting for me to finish, so she can guide me to the counter to pay. A lady next to me, bends down and stokes her. I say, ‘Please don’t stroke her, she is working.’ I could not BELIEVE what she said next! It literally still blows me away! She said ‘No, she’s not!’ I couldn’t believe what I had just heard! I said ‘Yes, she is!’ The cheek of this lady was totally shocking. She then looks down at my guide dog and she states, ‘Now, WE’RE in trouble’ NO, Madam! YOU are in trouble! Rude, disgusting, pathetic behaviour from somebody of an age to know so much better. Gollum. All of us can act like this, no matter what age we are. But having help and guidance from our elders is vital to teach us respect, manners and how to behave. We follow our parents example. But these people did not act in a way I respected. They didn’t even act like any child I have ever met. That acted out of selfishness and rudeness. And it is THAT, and that only, that I took away with me, from the encounters I had with them. How sad and upsetting. How do we act like this and when? Well, when we do not listen to love and kindness, but act out of selfish motives…….IM MORE IMPORTANT!……It’s about ME……I want……ME first!…..How many times have I had a filthy look from an older person if I am in front! I even had one try to run my guide dog and I over in a motor scooter, down a narrow alley, so they could get by. How rude! How selfish. That could have killed my dog, and damaged me. And that person is elderly! Are they going to change? I doubt it. A Gollum they will stay. Putting themselves first.

I digress. But can you see what I am saying? Every experience I have had, of hurt or rudeness has come from this generation. I am so shocked. And very, very concerned. For them! They are the ones that will be in care homes, expecting to be looked after. Who will want to do it kindly? Let us pray they will not reap what they have sown. And be at the mercy of somebody else who chooses to put themselves first. So the more we make decisions based on selfishness, the more we become entrenched in that behaviour. Till we see nothing else. And we actually JUSTIFY our behaviour! Like the audacity of the mat! Of course it is their money, to do with as they will. But I tell you now. I would be ashamed if I act like that. I hope to God, He is merciful and helps me not to be so selfish. I want my boys to have an inheritance. It may not be much. I don’t have much. But I want them to know how much I love them, and in what high regard I have them. To help them go forward and not to hinder them. So they will pass on the batten to their children too. In my attitude I have many Gollums that need changing. As in the words of Robert Anthony, which I love; ‘We neither get better or worse as we get older, only more like ourselves’ What am I like? Who am I choosing to model myself on? This world, and its values, or God and His? What was His? Jesus said of the way to live, and it is profound. ‘❤️The first commandment is this, You shall love the Lord your God, with all your heart, all your mind and all your soul. And the second is LIKE it, you shall love your neighbor as YOURSELF. On this hangs ALL the law!❤️’

What does it mean? On the surface it looks like that generation, of ME is right. How wrong! It means treat others how YOU want to be treated! Do you want respect? Give it. ❤️ Do you want to be cared for? Care for others. ❤️ Do you want material things and a home? Give that to others. ❤️ Do you want somebody to put you first? DO IT TO THEM! ❤️❤️❤️🌺❤️❤️❤️ How right the book of James was! ‘If you see your brother hunger, and you say to him, ‘May God bless you’, but do not feed him…..you are not in faith but error’ Why? Because you are not putting your brothers needs first. It’s lip service only. How would you like that done to you? How utterly selfish. So generous is our God, He said ‘If you just give a glass of WATER to one of mine, I will count it as a blessing to Me.’ Wow! But we begrudge even that glass of water. Especially as Christians, we have no excuse. If the widow who gave the mite, was great in Gods sight. And we know she will be blessed 100 fold, how much more a bacon sandwich…….I digress…And if we know God, we have less of an excuse, because we KNOW he can feed five thousand with five loaves and fishes, so he He can provide more when we give what we have. Even in the first days, humans have put themselves first. Cain, when asked where Abel was, stated, ‘Am I my brothers Keeper?’ YES! We are our brothers keeper, because we would want him to be ours! How can we be so rude? If I fell over and had a fit in the street, would I want somebody to help me? To ring for an ambulance and protect my dog and handbag? To phone my ICE? YES! So would you! I love the song, He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother. It’s beautiful, because it talks about helping the weaker. And in doing so, the singer finds joy. He finds pleasure. He finds RELATIONSHIP!

Reciprocity is beautiful. And if we want our planet to last we must make that a way of life. Gollum was not reciprocal. He was turned inwards only. It was all about his possession of the ring. He chose to be selfish. And became a mockery of who he was. And the price of that? My Lord! Loneliness, such loneliness. Hate of himself, despising of himself. Treating all life with contempt. He was a slave. But not just to the ring! To his darkness. To his selfishness. And did he stop? No. He kept feeding it. Yes, for a time he tried. But at the first hurdle he showed how deep that trying was. He reverted back to the selfish, murdering, contemptuous person he had chosen to be. And he tricked Frodo and took him to a place that was meant to cause his death. But you know what? It rebounded. And cost Gollum both his life and the life of the ring. But there is more. How we deceive ourselves! We tell ourselves it’s ok. We deserve better. We can put ourselves first. We can desert our neighbors. After all, who will look after number one, except ourselves? We justify and we deceive. And the motive? It’s all about ME. Why can’t we be truthful? Why can’t we admit, ‘I’m just being a selfish git!’ Because we want to look good. We don’t want people to know how self centred we are. So we justify our behaviour and blame the circumstances or other people. She got in my way………I only have a little left….there is not enough……..why should he expect that……on and on….becoming more and more like Gollum and less like Smeagol by the second. What are we going to do when we stand in front of God? Let us not deceive ourselves here. God KNOWS us. And like a tree when it is cut down, and you see the rings of its life, some where there were storms, some where there was extra rain. We will be naked before the great Judge. Worse. We will stand EXACTLY like we are. Who we have MADE or CHOSEN to be. Our motives exposed. God knows everything. Will we dare to justify our behaviour? Sadly, yes I think we will. Because that is what we have done since Adam. Shown contempt for God and personal responsibility. ‘It was the woman YOU gave me….’ ‘The snake tempted me…..’ Why not be truthful? ‘Lord, I’m sorry, I just did a major fuckup. Ate the apple you told me not too. Even worse. Let Eve do it first. Didn’t look after her and treat her as I would have wanted to be treated – warned and stopped, cos the consequences were devastating.’ WHAT could have happened if Adam had taken responsibility and thrown himself onto the mercy of God? A God who loves and whose mercy is new EVERY morning. Do we even get that? EVERY morning. Every. Single. Morning. What happened the day before is gone. It’s about today.

We get that choice EVERY day! Everyday we can choose to live better. Learn to overcome our faults and be more of the true ‘Smeagol’ and less of the ‘Gollum’ less of the person who is offensive to others and more of the person who is a pleasure to know. Because we all know, those who love us are good to us. And those who hate us aren’t. Yet, as Christians we are called to be good to those that hate us. Why? Because it gives the other person an opportunity to put down their Gollum behaviour and choose differently. Because this world shows us, if you are upset, you have the RIGHT to do upset to the person who upsets you. But as I have said before, an eye for and eye would leave the human race, blind, toothless and still tearing each other apart. That is what Gollum did to HIMSELF. By his choice to put himself first. So by loving those who hate us, we show them there is more. We offer them a choice. Just like Frodo did to Gollum. Will you choose to be Smeagol? Will you choose to be the person you were created to be, or will you be the person YOU have created…or chosen…to become? Me? Got more Gollums than I’m comfy with. Do I love my neighbor? Sometimes. Do I love my enemy? Nope. Not usually. I want to batter them. Make them hurt how they have hurt me. That lady who was so rude and said ‘Go away’ what if I had offered Jesus to her? I could have offered her a chance to change and that could have affected her whole life. But I was selfish. I put ME first…..God, I’m only just seeing this as I write it! What a loss. How devastating. That could have been a pivotal moment for her. But because of my justification of my own attitude, I did not offer it. God, I am so, so sorry. Lady, I am so, so, so sorry. I did not treat you as I would be treated. I treated you with the level of contempt you treated me. And I acted JUST like a Gollum. What a selfish thing to do. I am shocked. All this writing. To realize it’s ME who is in the wrong. For not being merciful and treating humans who make mistakes with the same love I would want for myself. Need to work on this. Don’t want to stay a slave. You see we are a slave to what ever we GIVE IN too, or to put it anther way, what ever has mastered us. A drug addict is a slave to drugs. An Alcoholic to alcohol. But you can also be a slave in your choices, beliefs and behaviours. I am a slave to anger. To hate. To fear. To condemnation and judgment. And that’s just a few. My goodness me. I need to spend sometime with God and sort myself out. I am so sorry guys. Just realised I’m more Gollum than Smeagol a lot of the time. Talk about mirror and planks. Just fallen smack over mine…..☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️

2 notes · View notes

whimsically-ominously-auspice · 5 years

Text

Michael: she came to me with like $1000 and said to me "Michael i got a problem and I need make up" So, she told me the whole thing and I told her that I really liked her Jesse and I explained as best i could without telling the truth and breaking the promise i made to Jesse. And i told her i would get her makeup and keep her secret as best i could as long as she promised not to get mad at me about Jesse. And she agreed but asked if i told her secret because it wasn't a true secret then tell her so she could confirm or deny. If they came all the way to me to ask because she wouldn't say where she got the make up Then her problem was gonna be bigger than make up could fix and she would need to face it.

Saint Luches: You told Michael Jackson?!

Me: what? I needed make up. 5 days later is when T broke my nose. Stupid bitch made me so mad 30 years later her head is still fucked up for what i said.

Jesse Tony laughs: you are a real wild one!!

Me: all I really wanted to know because I obviously saw a whole troop of people loudly walking to go have sex together -- what i cared most about was why there was a plant in the closet.

Alex laughs: goddamit

Me: no, Michael explained -- i mean yes it's true that's all I was truly curious about -! But because Michael explained to me what changed in the way Alex behaved towards me was because of Mark's death. Because Tony began acting that way towards them. Because I stayed on the island, refusing to work and stuff.

Saint Luches: so Michael Jackson put you in the closet?

Me: yeah. Did you wanna come out? I'm kidding. Yeah. He realized that taking one of my soulmates was a problem that was too big for make up to fix and he needed Jesse Tony to face it. Face what life had done to him and make his choices about where he wanted to live and be with. Tony Had said he would tell me. I was hearing what Michael was confessing but Michael was saying he also couldn't tell me and couldn't accept how I felt unless i truly knew what was happening. So he promised not to tell. So he said causally, i have a closet door upstairs in 5 minutes there will be sound outside if you want to listen. So Tony walked me home and i shut the apartment door in his face and locked it. I heard him walk away and the button push in for the elevator. So i opened the door I said "I love you. I'm not mad. But you need to go" he wouldn't.

Alex: I know he was sleeping outside the door on the floor when I came home from work. It was disrubing to see the door locked and i couldn't get in my own house. We never locked the door. Middle of NYC we never locked the door. I nearly broke the door frame trying to get in. I thought you were fucking crazy asking Jesse would he do that at Michael's but not his own house and he just went in and started packing. And you just kept talking about a fucking plant in the closet and he kept saying pot and you kept saying plant. And then he said Mary wanna. And you said "oh now you want Mary, too? I have to ask Michael if its okay!" And you were about to get the phone and he grabbed your waist and said "he already did baby, it's okay" and i been blowing pot smoke in your face since I got home And I said "see? He can have Jane, too"

Jesse: You were about to shit yourself "Jane? Who the fuck is Jane? Im calling Michael! Yall two are insane!!"

You'd think Michael was controlling. But he cried when he told me he was in love with my soulmate. The guy I had my first kid with this lifetime. Chandler.

But Michael wasn't okay. He had an anxiety attack twice. Threw up 3 times, it felt like hours and I would be late for work. It had been 15 minutes.

Alex had found a way to love me that was healing. Saint Luches was getting worse everyday. I thought Jesse could help. But then i seen Michael. And in those 94 days I learned around the world people still loved me even without my child, the first child I was told I was allowed to keep, and Mark Anthony.

When i looked at Michael i knew no one had told him, except Jesse Tony James.

I could handle Saint Luches. I knew what to do. Hide the bruises and keep on going.

But my friend Michael, my very best friend that took me off the streets while I was working, bought my clothes and paid me and my rent?

Only Jesse Tony James could.

So I've spent many years as The NHRA Knows trying to find my memories and set things right in with Jesse James. Tree says he feels pretty guilty for hiding. Yet he recognized i was at work. And he couldn't avoid that fact.

In 30 years. They have just grown to love each other more.

I can't avoid that fact either.

Yes. The true and real Michael Jackson is a hermaphrodite.

He said i could tell you.

T punched me in the face cause i just popped out the closet like a Sabrina in the Box. Scared her to death. She kept punching me. She could not see who she was punching? I was bleeding all over the floor and e everything. It splattered on the walls.

I told her "you steal my man!??? I'll hate you forever!!"

What she didn't know because she's sneaky as me, is, I already knew Jesse Tony James was no longer mine.

I knew that before i went in the closet.

Girl needs to slow down Sometimes. We all do.

I'm sure it's taught her well all these years to be more honest is good. Like Michael.

I know Jesse was good for her. Settled her soul, her heart to be more basic for human rights -- to understand things bigger than her and differently than she once did.

She was a pretty tough chicken back then. I'm sure she's grown into a mighty fine young woman.

And yeah i asked Michael to buy me make up. I could went to the store on my own. But i knew, like a father, he would tell me if I was wrong to hide the secret of my body's scientific reaction.

And in order to do that. I had to tell him my secret.

A secret that turned into nearly 1 million bruises.

Its weird to say that. Read it over. If someone ever told me something like that... 1 million bruises.

Well #1 you're never seeing him again.

#2 we need to get you some mental help because there is something wrong with you.

But here i am... Lets break a million, kid

Jesse Tony James gave T 1,925,624 bruises in 30 years. To Michael 76,549

That's nothing. Alex did half what he did to T, to me in 6 months! Please.

They have boring old people sex! They can keep him!

Saint Luches killed me 113 times.

T 7 Michael 42. In 30 years.

Please! They're peddlers in the streets!

And now things get interesting

T gave Jesse 9 bruises

Michael gave jesse 745,329

And he hasn't been killed.

You wanna get talented in your mind?

Chandler's Love would expect her parents to have sex.

And this bitch ain't said no.

What's a fling between old friends? Good when you're a goddess and its the only soulmate you've given away that you've liked And you've given away half of them.

Its good for the future of the world.

6 soulmates. Gave away half. That would mean...

Knowing 2 were evil.. Knowing I gave away half.

You'd think we going pretty fucking bad especially if you learn Saint Luches is gonna get 2 women when Mark comes back.

That means the Goddess here on Earth has only 2 left. And she can do anything. Even if she's unhappy.

So it sounds scary.

So yes. Chandler's Love Requires her parents to fornicate in private or public whatever they can get away with.

So no bitching I get to fuck Mr Sexy.

Don't even be jealous. Just thank your lucky stars that I will.

Really, tho. Saint Luches chose me in Armageddon. But I was with Mark Anthony.

That kid with the black eye from his parents I "teased" was my boyfriend.

Saint Luches.

3 men is a lot. I keep thinking when Mark Anthony comes back how will we sleep? Im only 1 girl. 3 men. Its not symmetrical. We can't all cuddle Me. The only Girl. The only Neanderthal in the world. I think that every night.

Mark Anthony is also thinking of coming as a hermaphrodite.

So then Saint Luches will probably stay, so then there's an extra vagina in rotation so it makes it fine.

Don't ask me. I just wanna make sure my men are pleased and comfortable and comforted and have all they want and complete access.

They're warriors and deserve their rewards, too.

Jesse Tony Jesse had only slept with them one time in a sexual way. The night before I went to ask for makeup

And Michael said it was only once but he knew it was too good to give up. And he would never ask me to.

He wanted to share. Well now in the DNA4U they're soulmates.

Holidays,vacations. Every now and again. On a bar floor. We will

He never stopped being attractive or beautiful.

In 2008 I saw him quietly. Silently. Every thing around me was silent.

I could only put my hands in my lap and feel nothing at all. But concern and respect.

For 2 hours I just stared. Watched him eat sunflower seeds,

I never seen a grown man act that way. He would look at me with intensity. Like He was gonna talk. Move his hands like he could spit out "hello" or something. But he couldn't.

He would just stop. And he would meet my gaze. And his face would change.

He would try again.

But he couldn't

It was like a sound breaking silence would cause the atmosphere to fall apart.

It eventually. It did. Because what he had to say to Me was the past. The past I couldn't handle.

It was me who finally broke the silence, "let's get something to eat"

And i put my hand in the elbow of Jesse Anthony James and we went in silence to get the children.only I spoke "let's get something to eat. Go get dressed. We're going in the car. Sure. Pizza Hut will be fine?"

No one used words but they communicated. Declan holding up the correct shirt to wear. Smiles from the children at pizza.

The silence. No one broke it.

It was so peaceful.

I wish people treated hearts that way. Especially Armageddon who thinks they have a right to control a planet that isn't theirs.

One day they will learn like T. Not to stand there and keep punching me in the fucking face.

One sentence. For 30 years has kept her terrified of me.

But more so of herself.

I spent a long time scared of myself, too.

So I'm glad she knows, I'm not angry at her. Never was.

I hope she breaks 2 million bruises.

I hope Jesse breaks 1 from Michael.

I truly do.

I truly truly do.

0 notes

emperor-nasch · 7 years

Text

On Why I Left the YGO Fandom

I was going to put this under a cut, but read more’s never do what they’re supposed to do on my page, so I’m forced to leave it as-is if I want to post it at all. Apologies in advance because it’s a very, veeeery long post and contains abusive experience and behaviors. And the url of my abuser (I left his accomplice out because she’s a fucking whiny bitch and would manage to yet again verbally attack me for once again putting this fat fuck’s name out there as an abuser).

Also, please don’t reblog. If you have something to say, reply or ask/im me.

So, as promised, I finally got my thoughts collected and I guess?? Somewhat organized?? On what’s been plaguing me for several months now. I know I’m basically beating a dead horse because, by now, I should be over this (because god forbid something happen to me that actually affected me long-term, I’m just being dramatic for attention, right?) but this is something I feel needs to be addressed, for my own peace of mind. So, no better time than the present I suppose.

It’s probably far from obvious, but I’ve been part of the ygo fandom for a decent while - 2011-ish? I watched the original as a kid, but was reintroduced by my now-ex through the abridged series. Along the way I’ve been blessed to meet some fantastic people, no doubt. People I wish didn’t have to see this kind of bullshit coming from me. But some of those people turned out to be…anything but fantastic.

I’m tired of not naming names, out of fear of being accused yet again of starting a witch hunt (since apparently that’s something people reaaaallly like to do these days whenever you have a problem with a nasty creep they consider their best bud and refuse to hear your side of the story) but it’s to the point where I really don’t care what happens. I’m not popular in the fandom, so it isn’t like what I say matters.

There are two-faced, evil people in this fandom and all I wanted (and still want) to do is protect others from ending up in the same situations that I found myself in.

I’m the victim of two long years of mental/emotional abuse and manipulation. My abuser is someone a lot of people probably know of, if not know well, especially those of you from the Chicago area part of the fandom. He does (or did, idk now that it’s airing Wednesdays) livestreams of new episodes. He is an enormous, loud-mouthed pervert and not-yet-convicted pedophile. He enjoys reading, writing, defending, and sharing child porn. He is narcissistic, so deeply in love with pleasuring himself (both literally and figuratively) and taking nobody’s wants and needs into consideration but his own. He is a chronic gaslighter. He fetishizes wlw and objectifies women in general (like any typical misogynistic slob). He think no means yes, and “stay away from me, I don’t want to talk to you” means “please keep trying to contact me, I actually do want to talk, I’m just being silly uwu.” He is someone whose actions have been defended by people who think “he’s just dense” instead of an abuser. His actions and the actions of those who love and adore him are ignored or justified by people who are obviously as like-minded as he is. And he hides behind the ruse of being an all out card game whiz and aficionado so people will never know what he does behind closed doors.

He goes by voices/of/chaos (slashes on purpose, btw), and I know it’s going to either be a surprise or sound like a lie because of how well liked he is here.

Primarily, he’s the reason I’ve made this choice. Him and the people who, despite knowing the kind of shit he’s done to me, still refuse to acknowledge him as the abuser that he is and choose to stand by him and support his actions. The same people are people I thought - and really, truly had hoped - were my friends, people I poured my heart and soul into and let my faith rest upon. Instead, I was given that trust back and basically told to choke on it.

It started when I’d asked to be part of the ygo panel he runs at acen. I thought it would be fitting, with how passionate I was at the time about the latter spinoffs and about things in general. However, I was told flat-out that I was “not good enough” to be on HIS panel because of my biases toward certain series and dislike of others (biases and dislikes he and I shared, mind you). Basically, because I’ve never seen gx and don’t like dm, my knowledge base was not adequate to host a panel. Yet, his gf, who now hates ygo and is stongly biased about certain series (like me), who sits up there pouting, angry, drunk (she was last year, anyway) in complete and utter silence, is definitely qualified for the job. Ok. Sure. That sounds about right. He refused to see how ridiculous the situation was (he was told this by more than just me, for the record) and instead accused me of only wanting a discounted badge - “I can’t give discounted badges to just anyone” emphasis on anyone. That was a low-fucking-blow and was the single thing that made it impossible for me to ever forgive him.

Of course, that was a more recent issue. Going back to the start, our friendship started off with me being almost duped into a poly relationship without my consent or knowledge. I was told they were breaking up and that she knew about it. I was told it was ok. That she was ok with it. What I wasn’t told was that no, they weren’t breaking up, she didn’t know what he was doing, and that his plans were to date me while he dated -and lived with- her. I didn’t find out any of that until way after the fact. To top it off, he went behind her back to try to accomplish this (she was on vacation at the time). I was then blamed for their relationship problems (that existed years before me), for making her hate ygo, for ruining their relationship, and so on and so on. He made sure to tell me this constantly, telling me my name was a ‘trigger’ for her. So now I’m a homewrecking bitch for ruining their 7+ year relationship.

And despite all of this, he actually fantasized (his words exactly, I shit you not) about me and his gf bonding over our ‘hate’ towards him. Like, excuse me? Back the fuck up mate.

If I had a nickel for every time he told me how “important” I was to him, I’d have millions in the bank. But for as much as I was told I was important, I never actually believed him. Our friendship was kept a secret online. No interactions on any social media, up until the end where he got very childish and asinine about it, and then those were only meant to shut me up. I’d asked hundreds of times to at least be tagged in things, at least mentioned half as much as he talked about the other girls in his life. He never listened. I continued to be a secret.

When confronting him on my feelings (because he only ever talked about his feelings) I was always met with rage, destructive anger, denial, unnecessary profanities being hurled my way, utter disrespect. One can only take that shit for so long. Being told how you changed someone’s life for the better in one breath, then being shit on and screamed at and told you’re not good enough in the next, being kept a secret, being denied any sort of important places or duties that he bestowed upon his other girls.

In the end, I was told I was making it all up. “I don’t know where the fuck you’re getting this.” “You must be messed up in the head.” I was told I just hated him and wanted him to suffer. Everything that went wrong became my fault and my fault alone. Actions once considered ‘gross’ and ‘awful’ by someone I considered a friend were now just a result of him being dense. DENSE. Because knowingly fucking with my head, saying I’m messed up in the head, yeah that’s just the density speaking. How didn’t I think of that before??!!

This friend put herself between us, on her own accord, then acted as if I asked her to do it. She claimed she didn’t want to speak to either of us for a while. Of course that actually meant just me because she had no problem joining him for the stupid movie that came out in January or being up his ass on the chat that Sunday. Sure, the movie was pre-planned, but at least try not to make it obvious you’re only upset at me by making sure he’s in the pictures you posted.

I was told I upset her because I ‘guilt-tripped’ her with fears of abandonment. My hands were slapped for daring to upset her, but when I mentioned how bullshit it was to see her out having a good ol’ time with the fat fuck, my concerns were passed off as nothing. As always, my needs and concerns must be pushed aside for everyone else’s.

When I finally got sick and fucking tired of him, I asked him to leave me along and to not speak to me, ever again. Funny, that was followed up by half a dozen messages all lovey-dovey (and passive-aggressive, toward the end). I thought he would have stopped after I didn’t answer the first few. But his persistence (or should I say d e n s i t y ) was incredible. Each message got sappier and sappier. The last one, though, was bitter and angry, after I once again told him to leave me alone for good. “I thought talking to me would be better than talking to no one.”

A few weeks go by. I begin to tell my story. Tell what happened. I’m accused of starting a witch hunt by someone who once tried to help me. She threatened to leave the chat - which stirred the pot big time, everyone freaked out. I threatened to leave, no one gave a fuck. So, yet again, I was made out to be the big bad guy because I upset the ygo princess by talking about the guy who abused me to the point of exhaustion. I didn’t threaten him. I didn’t ask people to go out and attack him. I was simply sharing my experiences with people who genuinely wanted to know what had happened. All it took was one wailing princess to change everyone’s demeanor.

So I did what I should’ve done after this all happened in the first place - I left. Told everyone they could have their safe space back that I was accused of ruining. And ever since, I really haven’t been too emotionally invested in anything ygo.

These people took something that once felt like a niche I belonged in, and made it hostile and unwelcoming. They say the ygo fandom is a fandom full of mentally ill people who are finding solace in something wonderful. For a while, I believed that. I know better now.

For every person that is genuine in that fandom, there’s ten others who are shitty, who make other fans fucking miserable. I was abused, my spirit beaten and broken, and all I got was several kicks in the ass and everyone turning their heads away from it all. This fandom is toxic. This fandom is littered with people who manipulate and abuse and puke their social justice bullshit over something that’s supposed to be enjoyable. It’s a fandom where popular people are exempt from being called out on shitty behavior. Where if you have enough followers, enough of a fanbase, you’re immortal. I can’t change that. The only thing I can do is remove myself and go somewhere that I consider a safe space. And this fandom isn’t it.

There are…exceptions, of course. Those characters I fell in love with prior to this shit hitting the fan are characters that will forever mean the world to me. Characters who I don’t have to associate with these people. I’m pretty sure there’s only one, but one is enough. He’s been my safe space, my heaven, the one thing that for six years hasn’t changed and has always been there for me.

But the rest? Y’all can have it. I don’t want any part of it anymore. All thanks to two rotten ass people who can’t even admit to their own wrongdoings.

As a final note to those of you who I continue to follow here, I promise you aren’t the ones at fault. If anything, you’re the ones who have kept me grounded. I’m going to continue following you guys regardless of my feelings toward the fandom. Thank you for being decent human beings. I couldn’t ask any more of you.

0 notes