#all they ever do is leave and hurt me
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#sometimes im not sure why i keep letting people in#all they ever do is leave and hurt me#and it makes me feel as bad as i used to back in highschool#like whats even the point anymore#im so tired of losing people
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best BEAST!!
#fanart#Xuanwu#in case it does not show credits: Thank you to Minilisko#And a huge thank you for letting me post this to The Blog <3#The best is real! The details and edits are so on point! What a marvelous creature!!!#There is an innocence to the beast...A porcupine dilemma of being unable to be close without hurting others.#The knife is protection and the knife is isolation. Safety over companionship...#It was just sleeping in cave when the cultivator's showed up. It woke up to arrows and swords!#Did it mean to harm anyone or did it just react to the world around it?#(speaking of the actual beast in mdzs now:) There was a tunnel to leave the cave and it stayed.#Do you ever wonder if the beast found it's way inside but grew to big to leave? If it entered to be safe but ended up trapped?#This is all to say: Hey Madam Lan I think I have a new friend for you. She understands your plight.#Forfeit your worries to the turtle. Let the turtle bring you joy
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the truth
#blue lock#blue lock fanart#alexis ness#ブルーロック#art#fanart#blue lock manga#my art#michael kaiser#in spirit#i think about scenarios where ness leaves kaiser#whether just to pass to isagi or for good#and i believe this is the key to kaiser's awakening#given that his “identity”/ego first appeared not out of malice but out of the desperation to protect the one thing he cared about (the ball#and of course his monologue in 260 about how he treats the ball explicitly parallels how he treats ness#which makes me believe losing ness or the risk of losing ness is instrumental in kaiser's reawakening#BUT.#kaiser is a deeply sad angry person and he cannot let the world know he's weak#so i fear that ness leaves him and instead of admitting oh maybe i do care kaiser snaps#because ness can't leave him if he pushes ness away harder right?#kaiser telling ness exactly what he was to him#exactly why he approached him in the first place#you're nothing but a dog#an experiment#because fury covers up the hurt (hurt that kaiser is even angrier that he *has*) and so the damage is done#so that's what this doodle is based on el oh el#and ness is left reevaluating every moment they've ever shared and wondering if it was real at all#(because even if kaiser did care he doesn't have the capacity to realize he did-- i do believe his behavior in 243 was genuine and proof he#-cares for ness in the only way he can he just does not understand that yet because he fundamentally does not understand kindness)#and he won't before it's almost too late
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ok posting it here bc im not sure if its going to stay in the doodle page
#delete later#deleting soon bc eyes on me#for those of you who kept asking about Something last year LOLLL#sorry this is too entry level vent comic ykwim i jst needed to get it out#im over it in the sense that like ok yeah whatever#but not in the sense that i came out worse than before. i was already Small. ive been further Smallened#i was a rebound and lied to and discarded...which thank god i was Set Free but wow!#all my personal fears reinforced. it is embarrassing for me to want and need...i get it neow. i was a stepping stone i am an npc#idk that i could do it again! im not sure its worth trying i am too much of a...project.#as i was told from day 1 but still ran directly into it#and i was too much of a coward to leave myself. if it happened again i wouldnt be able to leave then either.#im happy that i dont think it could get much worse than all that for my first experience but it was also exhausting#and weirdly at the same time i dont think i cld ever expect better#its almost been a year since its been Done and the words and treatment linger <3#this is also why i had to enlist talon as imaginary bf number 2 LOL need extra reinforcement and love#cringe as fuck but it rly will never be as good as whats in my brain...i know that neow. i will spare everyone the trouble#and remove myself from the dating pool (<- implying he was ever even in it)#i dont even hold any ill will toward em bc they were right...its just hurts ykwim
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me pushing myself further with my art drawing really cool perspectives and whatever with the Duo and then i turn around and make lame cutesy ship art waaahhah 😭😭😭
dont read the tags on this if you havent watched gbc i just ramble spoilers 😭 just uhh screaming yknow. mostly mmnn but i like the other characters i swear its just these guys are making me insane
#UGGGGGGGHhhH the duo ever rn…#theyre jsut. so important to each other#supporting each other in their honest expression#FLIP OFF THE WORLD#and i mentioned once on twitter about how real mmk’s fear was#music is everything to her… so for those songs she wrote of her own expression to not be accepted or seen as successful..#yeah that Hurts#i totally get the feeling of wanting to quit… bc why would you want to be hurt that way…#OUUGGGH music (art in general) being able to leave a mark on people…! it can change people…! dont stop making art…!!!!!#but then there’s the side of me that sees all those moments and be like Hell yeah thats some romantic shit… wooo codependency yuri…#going into romantic ship mode#ouggggh but theres also the slightly messed up fact that mmk saw nn less as nn and more as her own past self#and how mmk was not really guiding nn the person so much as she was trying to fulfill her dream through nn#(ok my wording might get confusing but im RAMBLING OKAY)#GOD NN’S VA AND LINES WERE SOOOOO GOOD#mmk stuck in trying to amend her past…! but nn pulls her back to the present#back to reality and shows her that she can still fulfill that dream that desire…!#you saved me with that song its that important and i love it so i love you who laid bare your feelings#UGH THE TRUCK SCENE THAT THAT THAT UUUUGGGGHHFHH#she loves the real mmk…!#god what was i saying with codependency yuri earlier…?#oh right nn only being able to keep going now bc of mmk#hhhhhhhhh#and well. mmk having her happiness depend on keeping nn going (bc of yeah. seeing her past self in her…)#but the confession makes mmk realize what she was doing#(yet still good stuff for codependency yuri)#ok im shutting the fuck up now 😭
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i don't know how to be merely acquaintances when we used to be friends. or i think we used to be. i don't know how to yearn for a simple hello when you've been heaping your affection on me months ago, and i don't know how to talk to you when you won't say anything. when suddenly it's all about me. you know i have nothing to say, you know my brain is void of everything but horribleness and i cannot tell you about my day because i don't even know about my day. i cannot tell you about my day when i know you won't listen, when i know you'll apply your philosophy to my world and don't believe me when i say that everything is terrible. i don't know how to be the person you seem to think i am, or the person you want in your life. i don't know if you want anyone else in your life now that you're in love and sappy, found another recipient for your affections, leaving me empty and wounded and yearning.
you said you missed me. said it many times, while i was gone. now i'm back, have been back, and i wonder how you missed me, why you missed me, when you won't talk to me. i think you mistook missing for worrying. i think you mistook caring for a feeling of obligation. i think you like missing me more than talking to me.
and i think i can't breathe with how much that hurts
#how do you miss me when you won't talk to me? how do you like me so much and then go to just. not?#how did i let you in when i try so hard not to let people do that because i know that once they get past the walls all i'll be left with#is the idea of them rotting and withering inside me. polluting the space i create to keep myself safe.#why does everyone leave? leave in silence too. leaving behind so many questions and so many words engraved in my brain#i am so tired of *grieving* when those i grieve are still alive and well and thriving and i'm reminded that it's versions of myself#that i'm grieving instead. how do you grieve yourself? how do you not fucking fall apart over it?#just. fucking talk to me. don't make it be true that all i'll ever be is nothingness and the memory of someone you liked once#but never never never liked enough#i'm so so cold already. i'm a shell. i want to be warm again but it always leaves me so hollow and hurting#i grieve the dio who was warm. i grieve them i miss them i am so so angry that he had to leave. to hide. with no way out#i'm happy for you. i'm happy you're happy. but you're no better than anyone else and it makes me want to run away again#but i have nowhere else to run and no one else to be. and it's so fucked that it doesn't matter who i am i'll never be enough#for someone to just. stay. to see me and to stay. to hear me and to sit and listen and just. just fucking stay.#maybe i'm not worth staying for. maybe there's nothing to know nothing to hear nothing to see nothing to listen to nothing to find#maybe all i'll ever get is one/two good months paid for with a lifetime of grief. and i'm at the point where i don't want the good months#anymore with you or anyone else who tears down these walls with affection that is so endlessly addictive and leaves me yearning.#on the off chance that it will keep the grief away too. but that's the thing about grief isn't it? it's here to stay. unlike you#god this is so fucked up and i'll delete this later but for now i just need to. let it out. poe said i should make a side blog for the grie#but poe's not there anymore. poe has stopped starting fires. so this goes on main until shame makes me take it down#blah#personal#not st
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made my mom cry but i got some serious bull shit off my chest oh well happy mothers day
#shes reading this conference talk where this guy says “trust is the basis of all relationships” and she says i dont think thats true bc how#can a mother trust her baby. how can a mother trust a toddler. how can a mother trust an adult child who has lied or turned their life away#from their parents.#and so i asked her do you not trust us kids?#abd she waffled but eventually she said Yesh. like i love you and i know i can trust you for some things but all of you have hurt me so.#and i said Yeah thats natural. i think complete trust is a superhuman quality i dont think i trust anyone 100%#qnd she says Okay so why dont you trust me. What have i ever done to you.#first of all. 😐 you dont want to hear it so dont ask that lol. 2nd you just told me you dont trust me and i didnt react so calm down.#but anyways i just said to her “youre dependable and i know you wont let me down when youve made a commitment to do something.#but i have emotions and thoughts that i do not trust you with.“#and we both started crying but i stood firm and i told her i love her but she just got up and left.#she loves starting convos like that but i do kind of feel bad for dropping thwt on her esp when she like. had to leave soon for an appt#but . i didnt say anything I didnt mean. and i was just responding to her.
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,
#i feel so helpless when i see people being so down on themselves#the community is definitely smaller now and i get why but for those that remain and continue to create#to think that it’s something they’re doing wrong - IT ABSOLUTELY ISN’T#and i wish i could do something to make everyone believe that#i wanna hug everyone and tell them how bright they still make this community - or what remains of it - still so cosy and lovely#whether it’s someone i don’t know in the tag or one of my friends it stings still#this community has some of the most exceptional talent i’ve ever seen -#talent in every form - and as someone that has gone through many fandoms and hate at their creations i tend to not look at numbers anymore#but i get it why people do - i get it SO MUCH#to not get the recognition - it hurts. i get it!#but i’ve learned over time that there are COUNTLESS ‘ghost readers’ or ‘ghost viewers’ that see and appreciate your work but just don’t-#interact with it - i was one of those people up until january this year!#my ao3 was already flooded with qsmp fics before i made this blog and i didn’t have the fitpacs account yet so didn’t leave kudos or anyth#but my point is - i get entirely why it’s easy to get wrapped up#i’ve been there but honestly - you are so appreciated#and i know me saying this makes no difference and i don’t expect to#but i love and appreciate this community with my whole heart#and whether you are someone i speak to a lot or we’ve never spoken at all - thank you for your beautiful creations#it’s a real shame how things went down behind the scenes obviously#but it’s so beautiful that so many people still have such passion to create#and if there is ANYTHING i can do to help build peoples spirits with regards to this please let me know#this community has done so much for me (more than you know) and i really want to give#something back
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what about your favourite player? :p
Jars Jars Jars Jars Jars.
Not to sound insane but he grinned and everything about him was perfect, and I fell in love instantly.
No but seriously I took one look at the eyebrows and the dimples and the baby face sometime circa 2017-2018 and knew that was it for me. That was the one for me. I always like to have a handful of favorites (my personal tier list) of which an important part is goalie, emotional support depth forward, and defenseman. Of my original 3 loves we traded Shears away twice, sold Big Rig back to Dallas for a corn chip I don’t actually remember I’m just bitter, and shoved Mouse Boy in the minors for like two years. It was a rough time.
In the last year or two I’ve done a lot of navel gazing between retirements (cully hags&horny 😭), trades (Shears, Big Rig, Teddy, Jakenbake 💔), free agency, and our old guys getting older that I can’t obfuscate around the fact that Jars is it for me. I love his stupid face, his curls, his perfect eyebrows, his dedication to saying nothing and pretending there isn’t a thought in his head, the fact that he won’t go shirtless in the locker room. Just all of it. I get cuteness aggression thinking about him. I spent so long thinking we weren’t going to re-sign him this time last year that I literally cried when we did and then again at the start of the season and again at the goalie goal and several other points — look I have a lot of intense emotions about Mouse Boy. Say what you want about his play or his injury history, whatever, I don’t care. You cannot change my mind. Mother, I love him.
There are other players I love — Flower and the Core exist in a niche in my heart I can’t quantify nor rank in terms of favorites. However, if I’ve got to be honest, I would probably sell most of the team to Satan for one corn chip if it meant keeping Jars around. I don’t know if I have it in me to follow him to another team but that’s the limit. Everything else is fair game.
#he even got me writing fanfic again (tho that was also partially ez)#I have too many wips with him in them for him to ever be allowed to leave#then again one of them is jake/jars so we’ll see if that one hits the light of day#I kinda had to sit myself down while crying my eyes out about jakey and be like jars and po are still here he’s your third favorite at best#now rusty is in third and the core is in a tier all their own I refuse to quantify or look at too closely because retirement will hurt#I really need to do another poetry post about jars#it’s mostly just been sidflower or the core cause I’m insane about both ships#there’s a lot of wips in my backlog that I don’t post about because they just exist as ideas saved to a personal discord server#that will never see the light of day (probably)#asks answered#mikathemad#mouse boy#but mother I love him
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i still miss you. i don’t think i’ll ever stop.
#i can’t ever get you out of my head#but you seem to have forgotten me completely#and i don’t know what to do anymore but just to go on living with all these feelings and suffer silently#i used to have so much hope that you’d comeback#but now i wonder if anything you said was even true#how could you say all those things to someone and just leave without a word?#did you ever even care? or was i just a toy to you?#did you just lie the whole time?#i’ll never know#but all i know is it hurts#and i cry everytime i think of you#which is constantly#i just wish you were back in my life#i wish we could talk again#i wish i would’ve done things differently#everything reminds me of you
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☁️🌷
#ugh im so anxious and like i think i have more pains bc of it#i overslept bc ever since i got a new phone my alarm is so quiet i never wake up?? this is the third time this happens for this class#but i cant miss more bc if i have more than three weeks absence they'll fail me :< so i hurried and walked to school#i wish i had a bus pass T-T since they introduced civilian clothed controllants i havent dared taking the bus at all i dont wanna get a fine#so yes anyway. on top of that im pretty sure my sister stole my keys. bc they were in my jacket pocket yesterday and today they werent there#and she left somewhere earlier this morning. so now im anxious abt not knowing where they are + will i get inside?? my mom wakes up late af#ummm what else???? idk im just so stressed. i got to class and have been here for 40min now and the teacher left for lunch#i'll leave now bc i cant focus enough to sit here more. my tooth aches too :((#i just wanna cry tbh#the entire way here i was like i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die#i feel so awful.. and stupd and worthless. why am i incapable of getting a job? or even studying at university? im so bad at everything#im like an anxious wreck who can barely function. everything hurts both physically and emotionally#i dont even wanna walk home im just sitting in my empty classroom bc i dont wanna kove#move*#what's wrong with me? how did i turn into this? i miss school. like i miss being able to actually do my work and talk to the teachers etc#im only a shell of what i used to be. and im scared i'll never be anything other than this :((((#well i gotta move ig bc the sooner i do the sooner i can get home and lie in my bed & cry over how useless i am :3
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today was ok good great bad 😭 rant in tags lets try to be normal abt this
#it's not tuscan leather， but they do smell like mint and cherries and a fireplace. they kissed me#all over my back， and my hand， and my shoulders. i only ever kissed them on the lips. i only ever kiss them#when i'm about to leave them at the station gates. some red-eyed bloodhound cancelled their own plans and i laughed with them like a friend#i asked if they want me to bring them a hot water bottle or painkillers or a pair of lungs for them to eat.#the person in front of me has 4 lungs and 2 hearts and a brown leather coat and those bright radiance-incarnate kind of eyes.#you know the kind i mean. their hands are diligent with the pen. they say that i'm an angel and i'm right and i decide#the truths-in-all-possible-worlds. they say they only perceive the parts of me that i'd like perceived. they say all the right things.#the dog doesn't mind at all. the next station is edgeware road again. the dog says don't come over baby. its all slurred and deep and#shallow. returns a falsum. i really like you， baby. let's just be nothing， baby. i can't comprehend that anyone was raised unhappy.#she has free gaza painted on the back of her designer jacket， and she says she can't believe people suffer. there's something wrong with me#baby， why else would i turn down two perfect girls? she broke my nose， baby. ye zendegie dige ashaghet misham azize delam.#she might be a rich bitch but i only lived in kensington， baby. sunshine says they can't have kids because they plan to be#an enemy of many states. i offered to meet them but i look up and i notice the blonde streaks in their hair moving in the light.#i tell sunshine i'll never sleep with them. they want me in such a kind way it almost hurts.#they say we have a lot to teach other. i put the dog down again. my friend is wrapped around me. my friend walks me to the station.#i kiss them goodbye at the gates.
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people really love to conveniently forget trans men exist when they talk about feminism. or if they dont they make us out as also part of the problem as if we somehow are able to have the same amount of privilege as cis men. absolutely wild
#“not all men” is a valid statement because its fucking true#like guys. seriously. not every single man is evil#feminism isnt about putting men down its about raising women up to be equal and getting rid of gender inequality#sorry im seeing a massive uptick in people hating on trans men for being men lately and its fucking stupid#like yall are doing a great job at making me feel ashamed to be a man who likes men. awesome thanks guys#i dont normally make posts like this but its been rattling around in my mind for a few days now#its always put out like. all men (trans or not) are Inherently Evil and all women (trans or not) are Inherently Victims#which is absolutely the stupidest shit ive ever seen#and they also leave out anyone who doesnt fit into the man/woman dichotomy. and if they dont its always seen as woman lite#which is also stupid as fuck#not every nb/agender/other person is feminine asshole#anways. case in point. can we stop demonizing masculinity while also discussing the effects of misogyny and the patriarchy please.#because both of those things are very real and very much do hurt people#but im sick of people lashing out at trans men as if the problem magically doesn't affect us anymore because we are men#because guess what! newsflash! it affects trans AND cis men too!!#i shouldnt have to explain it should be obvious but like. im tired man#sorry ill forever be annoyed at women who just hate every single man who dares breathe in their direction because they COULD be an asshole#if you hate someone because of their gender no matter what gender it is i Do Not Trust You#anyways thanks for coming to my ted talk. replies are off cause i dont want to argue with people i just want to express my opinion
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im so sorry you got nasty asks ppl can be so vile. i love seeing you on my dash and you always have the best posts and put great stuff on my dash. ive never watched naruto but i dont mind seeing that either <3 ily i hope youre doing ok outside of ppl being terrible
They had me like this, anon...
#they tried to call me a terf and I’ll never forgive that 😵💫#all because I pointed out some antiblackness-#I don’t expect much from wp and nbs here especially lgbt white folks since they’ve been the main ones running black bloggers off for years#especially black trans and cis black women for even uttering the word#they forget that at the end of the day they are still white and can hurt us#it was just#uncomfortable for me :(#but I’m not used to being harassed so I was like 🤷🏾♀️!#I had to delete sm messages 🗿#tumblr is not a welcoming place for black bloggers so#it’s never rly been but I won’t leave until this site completely implodes (it’s getting there)#one thing about lgbt whites they’re gonna call a black blogger a transphobe for ever criticizing them ever even if they’re trans 😵💫#I hate how common this is on here it’s disgusting#all I do is post about anime and complain I don’t be bothering no one 😭#anon you’re so kind I rly appreciate this message 😵💫❤️!#thanks for caring lmfaoo#also#I FEEL LIKE……. you’ll probably go crazy if you watched Naruto sorry…….#please don’t watch or read it ever… I’m begging- but the perks of reading and watching Naruto is that you get to meet Naruto and sasuke 😭!!!#guys of all time!!!!!!!#I’ve been trying my best to be normal about it since I’m an adult but I… sorry I’m so sorry anon I’m embarrassing#it’s kind of hard to dislike something that you’ve been into since you were in middle school 😭……#I’ll love Naruto forever even if it sucks lol#anonymous#tkf replies
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vent art probably deleting later
sure i'll play uno
#i thought drawing would make me feel better#but no#i feel worse#actively trying not tk think bad things#but i cant help it#do you ever just want to explode on people so theyll realize youre a terrible person and leave you?#so you have control over them leaving you#bc you know youll be abandoned one day anyway?#do you ever just wanna kill yourself over it?#yeah. yeah.#head in hands. if i drove everyone away on purpose i wouldn't have to worry about being abandoned#if i have no friends maybe i wouldn't hurt this much#im so scared of losing people all the time#and i know i will lose them eventually#ive already lost so many#whats the point of clinging on like this?#what the point of even trying?#i dont deserve love i dont deserve friendship#i dont do enough#please just tell me you dont want me. just tell me you dont love me. just leave me now so i dont hurt later#sorry for the weird vent just ignore this#tw sui ideation#delete later
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the reason i’m not afraid of aging is because i want to be a hot middle-aged man who has a toxic yaoi relationship with another middle-aged man
#u know i used to be so afraid of aging until i realized that i want to be a dilf. now it’s kinda exciting#i realized recently that i could never picture myself living past my twenties until i pictured myself as a man#but like. i want to be a man and a woman and nothing and everything#but like. i’m cool with how i look now for the most part idk if i would want to transition physically at least not rn#and rn i still dress fem enough that everyone goes straight to she/her#and i like she/her but it hurts rn#bc some of my family has switched to they/them or it/its and it’s just so soothing#but family that knows i don’t like it still use she/her and phrases like ‘daughter’ or whatever even more often on purpose#and it hurts bc i don’t really feel the need to change the way i dress/look but i know everyone assumes she/her#when they see me in a dress or skirt. even w how very not-cis my fashion sense is#but also i fucking hate pants which is a separate thing (prob autism tbh) and even if i wore pants they’d still use she/her#thinking of changing my name to something very masc so i can confuse people enough that they’ll stop defaulting to she/her#and i haven’t told ppl outside my immediate family so idc if they use she/her but i’m fucking pissed when ppl in the family do it#anyways side note when i was 12 my ideal gender (b4 i knew about being non-cis) was a floating consciousness w no body#or a plastic-doll-like creation that’s smooth all over#… i still want to be a floating consciousness actually lmao. it would be great#back then i hated being a girl but i didn’t know there were more options and also i was socially isolated (didn’t leave home for like 2yrs)#and my mother was openly transphobic whenever the topic was brought up so that was my only real experience#but i didn’t really internalize it other than the fact that my mother would be rude if i ever happened to be not-cis and guess what? she is#anyways it’s like 2am and also i’m only awake bc i was captivated by a sugar daddy middle aged gay fic for a show i watched like 5 episodes#for 2 years ago#sorry for rambling in the middle of the night lol#gn y’all
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