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#im so scared of losing people all the time
eddiesxangel · 2 days
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Just Peachy | E.M
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TJ’s 2K request celebration!
Anonymous asked: Hey i was wondering if i could request a friends to lovers eddie x reader, its romantic and the tension finally breaks, its their first time with each other and the reader absolutely blows his mind sucking and fucking him, shes the best hes ever had and he wasnt expecting it to be THAT good, hes just sprawled out flushed and sweaty like hes seen god 🤭🤭 Im just imagining him trying to get up to pee and his legs give out, he face plants in the hallway, his cheeks just out 🍑 and youre both giggling
wc: 2.9k
Cw: friends to lovers, your and Eddie’s first time together, smut, oral (f + m) , p in v, talks about cuming inside but Eddie is wearing a condom.
Concealing your emotions around Eddie had become increasingly taxing over the past couple of months. Although you've been friends for a little over a year, you couldn't help but notice that something had shifted in your interactions with him.
You felt giddy when you were together. Your face, cheeks, and ears would feel on fire whenever he complimented you. You also found yourself thinking about him first thing in the morning, and when your head hit the pillow, fantasies of you and he would play in your mind until you fell asleep.
The flirting between the two of you was so unbelievably blatant, and any time you innocently did it in front of your friends, they would make gagging noises. You never thought much of it because that’s just how you and Eddie were, that’s how you’ve always been, it was never serious for you, until it was.
It was one particular comment he had made that made it all switch for you. It was late at night, and you and he had been smoking together at his place. He’d told you that “you are the only person in the whole world who makes him feel whole.” You could have kissed him right then and there, and that thought scared you.
Ever since that night, Eddie has always been at the forefront of your mind, especially on the night of that party, when he expressed his feelings for you during a game of truth or dare.
In all honesty, Eddie had been set up by Dustin and Steve. They were tired of hearing him go on and on about you for a year and a half, so they fed Eddie a bunch of alcohol and insisted on playing a game of truth or dare.
Finally, when it was time, Steve asked Eddie, “Who do you like?” He drunkenly but confidently said your name. You hadn’t believed him because he was so drunk, but Nancy reminded you, “Drunken thoughts are sober words.”
When you were both sober the next morning, you marched your way to the trailer to set the record straight. You needed to know if what Eddie said had any slice of truth to it. At first, he refused to even look at you, embarrassed by his actions, but when you confronted him about it, he could only nod his head ‘yes.’
Your stomach erupted with butterflies as he confessed he’d always liked you like that. Like more than a friend. He didn’t want to lose you because you’re one of the most important people in his life.
You didn’t let him finish speaking because your lips were on his. This kiss was everything that you had wanted it to be. It’s the type of kiss you’ve only been dreaming about every night before going to bed.
After one of the best makeout sessions of your life, Eddie insisted he take you out on a proper date before things moved forward because “you deserve the world.” His words, not yours.
Dating Eddie was fun and easy. You were such good friends before, so you were already comfortable with one another, but now you got to steal kisses and hold each other's hands without worry. The only problem was that you’ve been on five dates with Eddie, and neither of you has yet to make a move past steamy makeouts.
It was weird, in a way. He was your friend, and you didn’t want to seem too pushy, and neither did he. You both were too chicken to let one another’s hands roam too far without worrying about the other's reaction.
Eddie didn’t even know if you would want to have sex with him. You said you liked one another more than a friend, but you were you. You are everything to Eddie, and if he fucked this up by moving too quickly, he would never forgive himself. So, he played it safe.
Stolen kisses on cheeks, innocent hand holding—he wouldn’t initiate further than kissing until you wanted, but the problem was that you and he never talked about it, and he was not picking up on your signals.
It was coming to the end of your sixth date with Eddie, and you would be damned if you let the night end with you in your separate beds.
Eddie walked you to your door and went for a kiss goodnight, but you stopped him, “I want you to come inside.” You smiled sheepishly, and Eddie, nothing but your local follower, humbly listened to your request.
“Can I get you a drink? You ask as you guide him to your living room couch.
“Sure, I’ll take whatever you’re having.” Eddie rubs his sweaty hands over his jeans.
You come back a few moments later with two beer bottles in hand.
“Thanks,” Eddie smiles, seemingly more comfortable.
“Eddie, can we talk about something?” You ask nervously as you sit down.
Shit, here it was. You want to go back to just friends.
“S-sure” Eddie swallows the lump in his throat, the confidence suddenly drained out of his body.
“Do you think I’m attractive?”
“What?” This is not where he thought the conversation was going.
“We’ve known each other for so long, and this is our first date, and we haven’t… you know…” You look down, embarrassed to say what is on your mind.
“Haven’t what, sweetheart.”
You take a deep sigh, building up your confidence.
“Sex.”
“Oh uh-I”
“It’s ok if you’re not attracted to me-“
“What! No! God no!”
“Then why haven’t you made a move?”
“I didn’t want to scare you away…”
“Scare me away?
“ I’m obsessed with you to the point it’s a bit embarrassing.”
“And I’m not obsessed with you?” You counter back.
“I didn’t think you’d be into me like that…”
“It’s all I think about.”
That was the confirmation that Eddie needed to hear.
“So do you uh,” he ears his throat, “want to umm.”
“Yes,” you nod your head enthusiastically.
Slowly, Eddie leans in to kiss you. It’s soft and gentle until you lean in and press into his lips more.
A low moan leaves Eddie’s throat, and you can’t help but smile into the kiss as his hands trail up your upper thigh to your waist, pulling your body closer and closer until you are straddled on top of him.
Finally, he was taking control like you had wanted for so long. You pulled away to catch your breath, pushing Eddie’s brown tendrils out of the way so you could latch your lips onto the side of his neck.
“Mmmm, baby,” he moaned.
Your heart skipped a beat with his words; that was the first time he’d called you that, and you yearned for more.
“God, I want you so bad.” his breath had become heavy as his chest pumped up and down.
“You have me, baby,” you bravely let slip the pet name.
“Fuck” he groaned as the blood rushed down to his stiffening cock.
“How do you want me?” Your confidence was growing with each passing touch.
“Fuuuuuck, you can’t just say shit like that to me, sweetheart.”
“Why not?” You pout playfully.
You could feel his cock against your cunt, and you rolled your hips to test out the waters.
“Oooh! You are a dirty girl.” Eddie grits through his teeth as he stills your hips by gripping onto your ass, and a wave of arousal floods your lace panties. The panties you’ve been saving for each passing date.
“Can I suck your cock?”
“Yes,” Eddie blurts out without a second passing thought.
You slide off the couch, and Eddie shifts forward for you before he undoes his pants while you place a pillow under your knees.
The butterflies in your stomach still haven’t settled as you wait impatiently to see what he looks like. From what you could feel in his lap, he wouldn’t disappoint you.
As Eddie shifts the fabric uncovering his cock, your mouth waters with anticipation. You’re mesmerized by the sight of it, it’s long and thick, and the tip is so pink it’s just begging to be sucked, kissed and licked.
Eddie watches as your face turns into a grin as you bite your lip. You’re entirely giddy as you lean forward to take his hard length in your hand.
A soft “fuck” leaves Eddie’s lips as the tips of your fingers brush the shaft and take it into your gentle fingertips.
“You’re so big,” you purr.
Eddie was about to respond but your mouth is enveloping his cock.
“Oh my god,” he sputters. He cannot believe that this is his life, that he is here with you at this very moment. He never thought his most intimate daydreams would one day come to fruition.
Eddie snapped out of his own head as you sunk down lower and lower until you reached the back of your throat. You tried to breathe through your nose, but it was too much, so you returned to catch your breath.
“Holy shit, baby!”
There he goes, throwing around that word again, which makes you melt for him. All you want is to please him, to make him feel good.
“You like that baby? You like sucking on my cock?”
Fuck, he has a dirty mouth.
A whiny “mmmmmhmmmmm” fills the room and only enhances Eddie’s pleasure.
You feel his hands grip your hair, pushing it out of the way for you. So ever the gentleman.
“Need to see you, pretty girl.” There was no way Eddie was missing the sight of you taking him in your mouth because a bit of hair was in the way.
Eddie was trying everything in his power to not buck up his hips into you and down your throat. You were making it so hard because you were so good at this. Too good…but Eddie couldn’t let his mind wander about how you are so good at head. No, he will allow himself to enjoy this moment. He’s waited 20 months for this moment.
“Baby, baby, baby,” he chanted as your mother slid up and showed the shaft, swirling your tongue on the tip each time before repeating it over and over and over again.
You can’t help but touch yourself as you’re also pleasuring your boyfriend. The way his words were affecting your body was too much to ignore any longer.
“Oh my god, you’re so hot; I need you; I need you now.” he watched as your fingers slipped between your skirt and your ruined panties, and he couldn’t take it anymore. God, he wanted to fuck you so badly.
“Mmmmmm, Eddie, please fuck me.” You remove your mouth and replace it with your hand as you jerk him off.
Your face is dripping with the mix of pre cum and saliva. Your eye makeup was a little smudged from the tears from when you gagged on his cock, but Eddie never thought you looked more beautiful.
“Come here.”
“You going to ride me baby? Show me how much you want me? Or are you going to let me fuck you so hard you won’t be able to walk tomorrow.”
“Who needs legs anyway” you let out a shaky laugh.
Eddie’s face morphed into a mischievous grin as he threw you over his shoulder and brought you to the bedroom.
He flopped you on your back, and you landed with a giggle that quickly was cut off by a hot kiss.
Before you knew it, you were both finally naked, and Eddie was taking in every inch of you like he was committing your body to memory.
“Perfect,” Eddie whispered before leaning in to kiss you. “Perfect,” he moved down to kiss your neck. “Perfect.” He muttered into your breast, taking a pebbled nipple into his mouth and making you arch up into him. He repeated his actions until he got to your weeping pussy.
“Oh baby, look at you, you’ve been crying for me, haven’t you… You just want so much attention; that’s why you’re so wet for me. Don’t worry. I need you just as badly.” He stuck out his tongue and ran it up your slick slit making you let out a long, drawn-out moan.
“There’s my girl.”
Another wave of arousal washes through you at the term of endearment.
“Holy shit,” you try and catch your breath, but his tongue keeps going.
Eddie fucks your pussy with his tongue so good you can’t believe this is real. He’s eating you like you’re his last meal, and he’s enjoying every last drop.
“Eddie, baby, oh god!” You’re cuming in his tongue before you even comprehend what’s happening to your body.
“Did you just!” He pops up in shock that he was able to make you cum in a few short minutes. In all honesty, he was kinda sad it didn’t last longer. He loved being between your legs. It was his new favourite spot.
A breathy “uh-huh” leaves your chest as you soak in the euphoria.
“Can we…. Do you want to?…. I can—”
“Fuck me. Fuck me now, please. I don’t want to walk tomorrow.” You begged in your fucked-out needy state.
“Keep talking like that baby.”
“I need you so bad; I’ve wanted you to fuck me for so long, please, Eddie.”
You were so long in your begging that by the time you had finished talking g Eddie already had on the condom and was aligning himself with your pussy.
“Are you ready?” he asked, and you answered by pulling him into another long, passionate kiss—one full of wanting and need, one that was much overdue.
“I’ll take that as a yes.” Eddie mumbles before he slowly slips himself into you.
The stretch was so good; you had been more than prepared for his cock, so when he entered you, all you felt was pleasure.
“Oh god.” You clawed at his back, biting down on his shoulder, pussy clamping down on him.
“Fuck, your pussy is so tight.” Eddie was already having a hard time fighting off his orgasm as his hips slowly rocked back and forth into you.
“More.” You plead.
Eddie situated himself so he could fuck you like he meant it, to fuck you so good you’re seeing stars.
“Be careful what you wish for, baby.” You had no idea what was coming when it came to sex with Eddie.
He was an animal, a beast, a man untamed.
His hips start getting faster, and his movements are calculated and raw. Each undulation of his hips into you was so delicious you could no longer think. You’re crying out as his cock hits your sweet spot in each thrust. He works his cock into your pussy as it sucks him in each time, taking him in willingly and refusing to let go.
“That’s it, baby, taking my cock so good” he watches as his cock disappears inside of you, gripping onto your soft inner thighs to spread your legs as wide as they can go.
“Look at that baby,” his thumb brushes your swollen clit, “so pretty and puffy for me,” he praises, and your pussy clamps down on him once again.
“Oh, she likes it when I’m nice to her, huh?”
Fuck he needs to stop talking to your pussy, or else you can’t hold on much longer.
“I want to come!”
“Come on, my cock, baby, show me you’re mine.”
That did it for you. Your second orgasm takes over your mind, body and spirit. Your floating on a cloud as Eddie rolls his cock into it and runs your clit so good you’re seeing stars.
Eddie is out of breath, but he still continues chasing after his own orgasm.
“I want you to come,” you mindlessly say, not realizing you're talking.
“Yeah? You want me to fuck you full of my cum. Is that what you want?”
“Please! Give it to me, baby,” you pout, and the look on your face sends Eddie over the edge.
Jagged breaths fill the silent room as Eddie collapses on top of you before he rolls over to catch his breath.
“Wow.” Is all you say before giggling.
“Did I rock your world or what.”
“Yeah,” you sigh. It's too bad it took you this long to do it; we could have been doing this for weeks now.”
“Hey, come here,” he drags you into his arms, stealing another kiss.
“I’m going to get a towel.” Eddie sits up on the edge of the bed so he can take off the soiled condom and toss it in the trash.
Not realizing how shaky his legs are, they give out, and he falls forward.
“Oh my god, are you okay?” You start laughing.
“God damn, I fucked you good, didn’t I?” he laughs.
“And you said I was the one who couldn’t walk tomorrow.” You shriek in a fit of giggles as Eddie lay on the floor, ass up face down.
“You’re a goddamn succumbs, you know that? Sucked the life right out of me.” He laughs into the floor.
“Your ass is like a fuzzy peach, I want t to bite it.”
“Why don’t you come over?” he says, dragging you into his arms. And have a taste, then.
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anemoiashifts · 2 days
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to respond to the person who said I was spreading mis information, because they blocked me, here’s what i was going to say:
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“i think your misunderstanding what im saying.
when i say “scripting isn’t a guarantee” im saying when you shift you can have all those things but you also have the ability to choose. you can choose to do something different then you scripted in your desired reality even if you didn’t script it. scripting doesn’t eliminate the ability to choose.
“running from your life problems” as in people who struggle mentally. if you shift to run from something that will always linger in the back of your head unless youve resolved them— speaking from experience. ive gotten plenty of messages of people saying that they want to shift so they can escape this reality. there’s nothing wrong with escapism inherently but it can sometimes become dangerous.
yes, you’re right. things don’t come to an end. if we’re going with “energy cannot be created or destroyed” that doesn’t not exempt the ability of changing forms & the very act of becoming new can certainly be seen as an end.
never said there’s anything bad about unscripted scenarios. i don’t script anything. all im saying is to be cautious.
shifting is what you make it. im not trying to make people anxious. & im sorry if the original post made you feel like im trying to push you away from the practice or any of the things i listed above. im not trying to demotivate people. there’s a very real negative side effect to shifting that ive experienced a few years ago & it’s why i care so deeply about mental health because of how much it destroyed & scared me. it pushed me away from shifting & im learning to love it again.
i very much care about the mental health in regards to shifting or not. i have body dysmorphia myself. who the hell are you so say that I’m not worried “about them” ?
dont overthink it but you need to sometimes take a step back & look at the bigger picture & in the end you never know how something is going to effect you. i was pretty much the first shiftok to speak about the mental health decline in regards to reality shifting. im willing to lose some of you guys & take the heat if it means your safety & mental well being.”
again, im sorry if my post hurt anyone. i really truly didn’t intend to harm anyone’s journey or put a bad taste in my mouth. ive had a pretty bad experience my first time shifting myself & that’s why ive always said ive only ever minishifted because i didn’t want to make shifting out to be this horrible thing. i held a lot of shame (for lack of better wording) that everyone seemed to have a good shifting experience but me, but this isn’t about me or what happened to me & didn’t happen. ill always be rooting for fellow shifters but at some point we have to acknowledge that shifting can be harmful to people mentally sometimes. it’s also important to know im not an all knowing force; people may think differently then me & that’s totally okay !
please don’t try & send hate to this person, i don’t think they meant any ill intent & we’re trying to help other shifters, like i do.
please let me know what I can do better & improve on in the future. i just wanted to clarify my stance on that post.
-rinn 🤍
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madame-mongoose · 4 months
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vent art probably deleting later
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sure i'll play uno
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mainapnifavouritehoon · 11 months
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hi guys i-
#Hey so i wanted to talk about this really bad this has been bothering me for quite some time#i have been busy a lot these days and i dont get time at all to do anything but i can see myself wasting my time just scrolling#I have school and then coaching and then ofc i have to study on my own for which i barely take out time as im highly careless#My last 2 exams went absolute shit and that fucking scares me because i'll be having my JEE soon#Mummy has been telling me to stay away from my phone and ik she trusts me but she but she deserves a daughter that studies ig?#And now i kind of consider that as an option because this phone is very very distracting#I have been thinking about deactivating but i realized it would mean i would lose all my precious posts and interactions#So i wont be deleting this blog as i am too attached (i will be coming back istg)#I will be taking a break and ig thats what yall call a hiatus#I will be giving away my phone to my parents (trust me i have to)#Ik this will be hard for me to just leave all of a sudden so i'll slowly start vanishing if that makes sense?#This message also doesnt mean that i will be shutting down my phone rn at this moment and that this is goodbye#This is just to prepare the people that i love and who love me that i will be highly inactive and not come online for maybe months#This is not an impulsive decisions i have really thought through this#Also just to tell you again MAIN ABHI GAYAB NAHI HONE WAALI BUT THODE TIME MEIN I WILL GO ON A BREAK THIS IS JUST A PRE HIATUS MESSAGE#Also i hope you guys will still love me and remember me once i come back#Because coming months are going to be hard for me#I hope you understand and ily guys okay?#(Oh god why am i so dramatic about everything) xoxo
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basilisk2000 · 4 months
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if kosa passes i will have to delete all my accounts. i will have to lose all of my friends. my moms very against me being online and doesnt know i have a partner. ive been a shut in for years and at this point have no irl friends, losing my online friends would be the final nail in the coffin. i could get their phone numbers but theres only two people i know well enough to be comfortable with that, my partner and my friend val. kosa passing would mean i couldnt post my thoughts anymore, i couldnt share my art, id lose contact completely with the people i still want to be friends with but have drifted apart from and that terrifies me. if kosa passes and my mom is able to see what i post id have zero outlet, no way to have any privacy or space to myself. i would lose everything thats kept me alive, all the people whove saved me and cared for me, if kosa passes i feel like my fate as a corpse is sealed.
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best-enemies · 2 months
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I've reached season 5 on my CSI rewatch and I'm a few episodes past "Swap Meet", where a woman is murdered after attending a swing party with other couples from the neighbourhood. Near the end of the episode there's a moment that made me jump from my seat:
(Grissom walks up to Sara and takes the seat next to her. He's holding two cups. He hands her a cup of tea.)
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - BRASS' OFFICE]
Erin Brady: Everybody fantasizes about other people. (She glances at Grissom.)
Even you, Mr. Grissom. A neighbor, a friend ... girl at the office.
[INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - HALLWAY]
(The door opens. Paul Brady walks out of the hallway. Erin Brady walks out into the hallway. Sara is sitting in the hallway chair watching them. She watches as they meet and kiss.)
(Grissom walks up to Sara and takes the seat next to her. He's holding two culps. He hands her a cup of tea.)
LIKE!!!!!!!
Right after Erin ends her sentence with 'girl at the office', the first time Sara and Grissom meet again, he brings her tea. This might be an innocent interaction but to me it seemed like a nod to this relationship they have where both are into each other, know about the other's feelings, but can't/won't do anything about it (although Sara has kind of given Grissom an ultimatum). I don't know if it was intentional - I'm guessing it is, because I picked it up immediately. I might or might not have squealed in delight.
#csi#gsr#i'm very Normal about them btw i don't think about them 50 times per day or anything#need to talk more about these two here#because im obsessed about them in a Normal way#sara is like. my dream wife. i totally get grissom being in love with her for years and barely holding it together#i would not though#i'm 1000% sure she's bi. but the writers have been cowards so far#also she and i dress THE SAME. yes i love 2000s clothes so what#i could talk about her forever she's everything to me#and grissom. oh grissom. i also get why she's been in love with him forever#i mean what the FUCK went down in san francisco did they hook up and sex was so good it scared them#and now they have to live with that tension and they're scared of crossing that line#nah i'm guessing with these two they just REALLY clicked. like. they were an instant match and they knew it#but grissom didnt want to lose focus on work or whatever and they lived in separate states you know#but oh my god i totally get sara. grissom is such a silver fox. he's like one of the hottest old men i've ever seen in my life#you know what i 100% get tumblr sexualizing old men it's completely valid i'm in this now too#he has this LOOK. whenever he's angry at a suspect. and he looks angrily at them. i'm chewing on my keyboard just remembering it#and his smirks#AND THE WAY HE LOOKS AT SARA#im losing my mind#i love all of gil grissom but seasons 4-5 jesus fucking christ#ok enough with the sexualizing i love him as a character SO MUCH. he's absolutely fantastic#one of the things i love the most about him is that he doesn't judge people. whenever the team is confused about someone#or this persons' lifestyle#he's always trying to understand them and not judge them#like a true scientist he wants to understand the nature of things and people#and he's such a sweetheart i love him so much#like there are so many things i love about him i can't fit them all in the tags. same for sara#they're a perfect match for me
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saeshiraw · 10 months
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tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry
#tw rant#studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not#its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels#so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday#i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me#n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone#yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my#friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep#of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle#but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today#i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts#and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics#just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people#im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier#im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk#and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know#but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac#h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe#ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch#people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and#seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want#are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to#spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was#i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next#“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes#me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good#but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im#intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout#but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one?#the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone
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pepprs · 7 months
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hi im going to leave chicago in a few hours. i don’t want to come home
#purrs#chicago#this trip has been so. SO healing for me. indescribably. and im terrified to lose it when i come back to my home environments and spend#every day going back and forth between home and campus. i know now that i need to do independent things and i#CAN do independent things and i always could. what i don’t know how to do is take that knowledge and apply it to my life at home such that#end up moving out and living by myself asap LOLLLLLL#i have spent so much time wandering. wandered to the art insitute of chicago. wandered on all levels and sides of the riverwalk. wandered#onto the navy pier by COMPLETE accident and it was the first pier ive been on since br!ghton and they had carnival rides and everything and#it started to heal a part of me that was still broken. i don’t know how i can go home now when there’s so much still to explore. i am#terrified to lose this. i haven’t been consumed by depression or anxiety for like 4 days and it has been the biggest hugest breath of fresh#air and i just am so scared to go back to suffocating with no escape in sight until my next conference in june LOL#* i wandered by myself btw. completely alone and only sometimes surrounded by people. and it was so important for me#also like… this was my first time EVER walking in a city all by myself and riding in ubers etc etc. i was so scared remember? but now i am#confident and strong. after 4 days. and i know going home is going to drain me but nothing can ever take this experience away from me.#i can do it. i COULD do it all along. and i will do it again.
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hearties-circus · 5 months
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Oh g-d I've been withdrawing
#gamer txt.#i keep typong up posts and tags and delstinv them withoit thinking too much about it recentlu but k never usually dp that#theyve all been needy and attention seeking and thats why i was eriting them in the first place but thats ehy i keep deleting them#because i want attention#and that scares tge hell out of me#how bad do i have to be to be this desperate for some sort of contact yet this scared of losing everyone eho moght give it to me#why am u rhis scared of people thinking im annoying ive been feleting needy posts for months thats not . like me#even when im bad im usually better than that i dont. i dont understand ahy this is different#hell i relapsed a few months ago and i couldnt bring myself to even say i cut myself again outright bc i didnt want to be bother#since when the hell have i put up the illusion of being ok on this blog why am i so comcerned#are my trust issues really that bad? am i really that worried everyone who cares about me will fold the second i inconveniene them?#g-d thats. yeah fuck no wonder my friends were insulted when i gave them a 6/10 for 'ppl i would talk to if i had issues'#that is insulting#and whats worse is that its a lie#6/10 should be over half i should tell them my problems about half of the time#i dont do it. ever#and usually thats not too bad because i unload wverything here anyways but now ive stsrted stopping kyself frkm doi g thst#i want help and attention and to stop being so svared but im too scared to ask for those#i had to drag myself out of bed to make rhis post bc if i left it till morning i wouldnt do kt#also thats why all the typos btw no glssses its dark and i stsrted crying at some point#i dont know if its just how ive been feeling lateky or if theres some truth to it but i feel like my text posts have been getting seen less#im honestly kinda really twrrified im gonna wake up and no one will have seen this post and im just gonna pretend to be ok#bevause i would i think i would really just give up#i dont know what gl do#ive never been this scaredwithout a discernable cause before#ive stsrted cryung way harder andb u dont even know why#i think i think thats more or lees everything off my chest#im gonna try to sleep
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autisticlinkk · 7 months
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I feel like Nintendo keeps trying to force a passive story into newer Zelda games to keep the “open-world” aspect! When it’s actually hurting the impact of the story!!
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cinnamon-notes · 1 month
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i have been ghosting my friends for idk a month??? and they have been doing the same??? except for when we meet in a workplace cuz somehow our jobs decided to cross over :)
#feeling so bad about it but like i cant bring myself to interact with people right now but i am also constantly sad because i dont interact#with anyone out of work :/ but working makes me socially exhausted & tbh all i wanna do is be depressed with my books & my movies &my tunes#but i also crave affection like i realize i have zero social life and i sometimes schedule some hangout with my friends but it's almost#become like idk a task? something i look at through work eyes. like- i arrange our hangouts the way i arrange work meetings. it's so sad.#i know it is. but still- i cant help it. through all my life ive been missing having a lifelong friend who knows me like the back of their#hands and i know like the back of mine. never had it. cant cry over that. it's passed. i cant invent lifelong friendships that never existed#and i gotta make peace with that. plus- what am i complaining about if im just incapable of keeping any friend for longer than a month???#after the first month- maybe the first couple of months- it all gets boring and dont get me wrong i really love my friends but somehow they#lose interest in me and i lose interest in them and we become just people who know each other and occasionally hang out but like- i've never#had a friend who's there for me when things happen in my life. i've always had friends to tell things to afterwards. like- i know i cant#really pick up the phone and say “hey. im having a bad time. can we take a walk? talk on the phone? can you tell me about your day? can you#just be here for me?“ and i cant even idk just randomly pop up with a ”oh my god i hate him i hate him i hate him it's a whole montague vs#capulet but if romeo and juliet never existed kind of hatred!!“ i just cant vent right away. ive always thought that that's my problem.#and maybe it is. but still- how's come they can vent to me? im always there right away. i do love my people and i show up for them.#sometimes my depression makes it soooo difficult to hang out constantly but if there's one thing that cannot be said about mw is that i dont#care. cuz i do. and maybe that's the problem#and maybe it's just easier for me to care than let others care? idk? but then again- i did try to open up. i did try to let them care. i did#try everything by the book & off the book but still- idk it's always just an “im sorry” never an “i care so much to say more than im sorry”#and yeah it's my problem cuz i am not a constant person im not that steady in what i do. i still dont know if it's because i havent found#yet the people worth doing it or if i am just traumatized (my ex is knocking on this door lol) but- idk it makes me extremely sad!!!#and ive rambled on way too much but i jusg needed to let some things out of my mind cuz i cant understand whats wrong with me and why i#crave true friendships although im hella scared of and bored of and unwilling to nurturing one :)#cinnamon diary
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hella1975 · 10 months
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i love how i started taking the pill bc my periods were so bad physically and the pill just went 'no more cramps! mentally we're putting you in a blender tho'
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tortademaracuya · 4 months
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generationa1trauma · 15 days
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flatmate has a girl over i am suddenly extremely uncomfortable
#sorry i only ever come here to rant its bc im losing all my interests / passions and always need someone to talk to but have no friends 🤪#negative cw#thats a lie partially in that i am emotionally incapable of talking ab it i just. i have no people i have no outlet#but tumblr hasnt been doing it for me lately. im not sure if jts#its the mental illness or if its just being full time employed leaves me so burned out that i can barely function#so hobbies just become non existent#doesnt really matter either way tho bc i can barely pay my bills on full time wages theres nothing i can do to fix things#time off or less hours isnt an option and i sont have the money to get anything diagnosed#i think i need. a lot of support ive been kinda rawdogging life for 26 years but ill be honest gang its starting to really impact everything#i do not. feel like i am a fully functioning human. i am not capable of being a functional adult in society#but its also like. i have to be#my parents dont really believe in mental health stuff or autism or anything and certainly wouldnt believe if i tried to say i was disabled#its just like. no one ever believes me ab that kinda stuff and i dont have the money to get it diagnosed#and without a diagnosis theres not much that can be done but also even with a diagnosis theres nothing#government disability allowance is $78 a week maximum and only covers specifically medical costs for that disability#like i genuinely feel on the verge of a breakdown so bad that i would need a care person#but alas. thats just literally never a possibility for me#i dont have money and i dont come from money and i will be forced to work full time through breakdowns until i die#there is nothing that can be done to help me or fix me#and that just. it sucks#anyway#hope this girl is nice bc my cat refuses to be in my room and its giving me anxiety bc what if hes scared of her and runs away#2 much going on in my head but i can not stop it so here we are#sorry y'all r my rant place#i have been thinking ab trying to step away from the internet a bit but its also.#not really a thing i can do bc everything costs money these days#social clubs r barely existent and the ones there are cost a shittone#I'd just. I'd like to be in a better place. I just don't know how to get there
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asexualastarion · 1 year
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this is a quick ten min doodle of my infamous mc bc i love them so fucking much i am frothing at the mouth. everyone say hi to dante
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hungry-hobbits · 1 year
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gonna be blunt - didnt get my raise+backpay this paycheck so yall are gonna have to put up with me probably needing to shill my c-mm's more this month i'm sorry
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