#all while having category 5 emotions about everything against their will

[sunsoak]

People give teenagers so much shit well i think they’re a lot more respectful and smart than you give them credit for. They can tell when you’re being fake or dishonest or don’t care about their problems, and that’s why they don’t respect you, because they know you don’t respect them either! It’s the biggest thing adults just seem to overlook when interacting with teens… like these are human people learning how to navigate an entirely new world of independence and responsibility and they’re having feelings that are so fucking big and it’s really a lot to deal with. And you just treat them like either stupid immature adults or overgrown children, and not the extremely difficult in-between they actually are…

[rocketturtle4]

Be My Favorite, Lets Reflect

Okaaaay I’ve decided this is happening today after all because who knows what the combined power of Only Friends and Laws of Attraction is about to do to my brain.

Full Disclosure: I’m an optimist and I’m easy to please. If I finish a show, that typically means I liked it. This final episode could have been an actual disaster and I probably would have given this show 8/10 and watched it again in the future.

Tagging the people who have been watching along with me, in case you wish to read my final thoughts, getting to be a part of this experience with you has been an absolute delight no matter how late you joined! @shouldiusemyname @thegalwhorants @plantsarepeopletoo @lurkingshan @pandasmagorica @twig-tea @waitmyturtles @benkaaoi @telomeke @dribs-and-drabbles @stuffnonsenseandotherthings @clairificusrex @williamrikers @grapejuicegay @dropthedemiurge @bengiyo

With all that said here goes

Themes that felt unfinished

The whole thing with any and all parents, but especially Piseangs felt somewhat unresolved/glossed over.

I have no idea what the point of the Kwan/Not storyline was??

Themes that felt reasonably resolved but could have been pushed more

Looking back I kind of like that the fighting for rights storyline was most strongly played out through Max. This was consistent all the way through and while I do definitely think this show could have chosen a different direction and taken a stronger stance, I’m not mad about this.

I genuinely think that the fact Kawi tried and then DIDN’T LIKE the rollercoaster after episode 10’s EXTREMELY ON THE NOSE POINTING (apparently this one still invokes strong emotions huh) kind of make’s ace!kawi pretty close to canon, they clearly still have sex which is totally fine in my books but like, my dude is ace.

Where have I landed overall?

Using my unnecessarily lengthy 5 category system of rating and review this show ended up at 92% 21st out of 82 BLs 12th out of Thai BLs, Greater Recommendation  

I want to be clear here, 92% is HIGH and I loved this show A LOT, the ending very much included. Also I normally wait longer to give something a rating so this could waver but likely only by a couple of percent either way

What Was My Takeaway? -It’s about Control

Okay so this is definitely influenced at least in part by my readings of @lurkingshan (here) and @waitmyturtles (here) posts and I loved how the framing of the serenity prayer in Shan’s takeaway (original post by @shortpplfedup here) lined up perfectly with my thoughts so I will put that in here

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,  The courage to change the things I cannot accept,  And the wisdom to know the difference

So much of this show was about Kawi learning that control and change isn’t resolved through force but instead through trust and patience. In the first half of the show, Kawi tries again and again to alter things into perfection, and he fails each time. He learns that only his own actions can be controlled, not even his own feelings are entirely within his grasp. He learns to hold on to the things that matter and let go of what can not be.

He father dies but he gets a chance to see him again, and to convey his feelings sincerely building up the relationship before the end.

He learned that even with a second chance, some things can’t be changed, and no matter how hard he tried his dad still died.

He gains a beautiful found family, so different from the family he was trying to build with Pear before he understood himself.

I feel like episodes 10 & 12 dragged my right down into my feels about the things control can change. Because to me, everything that happened in the theme park in episode 12, juxtaposed in my head against everything that happened in the theme park in episode 10 highlighted how much change control can wrought.

In episode 12 we have the shifted perspective, Piseang has come back, Piseang is panicked and fearful and Kawi clocks this immediately, and what does he do, he stays completely calm, in this same time, but in the original timeline (ep10), Kawi is lacking all control. Max has pointed out to him that Piseang probably want’s sex and Kawi is NOT SURE how he feels about that. He tries to regain some equilibrium by taking them out but refusing to ride and ends up more and more prickly and uncertain at Piseangs every nudge.

Opposite this we have our episode 12 timeline where our focus is all different, Kawi is pulling Piseang along with him and encouraging him to accept the future even as they enjoy a lost moment of the past. A moment now filled with much greater joy for both of them because with the pressure gone, Kawi is ready to face anything if it makes Piseang happy.

I have seen some interesting thoughts about Kawi being affected by the knowledge of his possible death, and maybe this is it, but to me this change felt different. For some people it’s easier to be strong when someone else is being weak, because we can’t always be strong for ourselves, sometimes we have to be strong for others. Kawi’s focus in this second timeline was outward rather than inward and it fundamentally changed the experience for both of them.

Piseang hadn’t really been weak much in their relationship, even in the most developed future where they aren’t together, he is there, steady and waiting for Kawi to need him.

In this episode Kawi had to be steady and this put them on more equal footing than ever before because Kawi has grown so much. We have seen his change, his arc was immense and, to me at least, immensely satisfying. Getting to see this Kawi in episode 12, the one who is calm and sure in the face of his partners uncertainty highlighted how these two will work and grow together in the future we had already seen.

It made me like episode 10 more

(I have specific thoughts about consciousness and whether or not the latter scenes in ep10 occur with Kawi’s knowledge of future!Piseang laid out at the bottom of this very interesting thread. In short(ish), my takeaway is that the memories of Kawi’s second day at the amusement day are dormant but present in Kawi’s mind, influencing his actions. To me when he reaches out to Piseang at the restaurant towards the end of episode 10, after Piseang has travelled back to the future

this is an extension of the reaching out we see Kawi doing throughout episode 12

This gif was posted by @wanderlust-in-my-soul as a part of this post which is all the times Kawi and Piseang hold hands in ep 12 (often with Kawi reaching out). Even if Kawi doesn’t consciously know it, he is influenced by the events of episode 12 in the latter parts of epiosde 10, this also makes me feel better about the episode 10/11 sex scene for the record)

It made me like episode 11 more (and I already liked this one!)

It made me glad to have been so wrong about where I thought episode 11 and 12 would go.

Because the finale drew us back in to the core of the show. It let go of the things that could not be finished and brought together the things that could. Making us the audience sit with the very themes Kawi had learned.

@dropthedemiurge actually put it so beautifully that I’ve just stolen (and slightly paraphrased) their words straight out of this post

“the final episode was not here to yell, but instead to speak softly and soothe your worries until you find the courage to live and stay smiling, content with discovering the right way to live”

I was left warm and fuzzy, content and satisfied, I could never be mad at a show for that.

[butterflydm]

wot reread: towers of midnight (chap 14-19)

spoilers for towers of midnight

1. Egwene has gone into TAR to attend some important dream meetings; first up is meeting with the Wise Ones. She lets them know that Elaida was abducted by the Seanchan and Egwene has been raised as full Amrylin.

2. She asks them about how Rand is doing and they tell her that he’s doing better. Yeah, I feel like there would be so much more tension in this plotline if Rand hadn’t yet had his epiphany and we were still dealing with ruthless!Rand, and so the Wise Ones weren’t able to reassure Egwene here about his state of mind. It would be better if the audience were also unsure about the wisdom of his plan.

3. Egwene does make a tentative arrangement that they can send Accepted to train with the Wise Ones for a time, but Amys and Bair make it clear that the Wise Ones have no interest in becoming Aes Sedai (Egwene hopes that, in time, she can change their minds; I deem this possibility Extremely Unlikely).

4. Her next meeting, after the Wise Ones leave, is with Nynaeve. Egwene puts Nynaeve, Rand, and Gawyn all in the same category of people who frustrate her because she feels like they don’t trust her/show her loyalty. She thinks here on how she hasn’t seen Nynaeve for ‘months’ - I guess the last time they saw each other was pre-ACoS, because I remember Nynaeve asking Egwene about Lan, I think? But Nynaeve was deliberately avoiding meeting Egwene in the dream for months because of the way that Egwene had traumatized her (back in... TFoH?).

5. Nynaeve finds out here that the Seanchan attacked the White Tower! I wonder if she’ll tell Rand. I really am trying to keep track of Who Knows What when it comes to the various Seanchan-related crimes. Egwene notes how uncomfortable Nynaeve is while talking to her and decides that instead of berating or scolding Nynaeve for avoiding meeting with her, she will ask her advice on being a young leader. Also, just to note another Egwene & Rand similarity: she notes how it feels like she has to do everything herself because people will stop obeying her once she’s out of sight. This is the same thing Rand was lamenting back when he was trying to get grain handed out in Arad Doman.

6. Egwene then uses the advice that Nynaeve gives her as a way of leading into telling Nynaeve that she needs to begin truly treating her as Amrylin and to call her ‘Mother’ instead of ‘Egwene’. Then Elayne arrives, all sparkling and chipper over the White Tower’s reunification.

7.  They begin discussing Rand. Egwene wonders here (just in her head) if Elayne has bonded Rand, and if that’s the secret that she feels like Elayne is keeping from her. Much as the Wise Ones did, Elayne and Nynaeve both tell Egwene that Rand has changed recently and is doing much better than before.

8. Nynaeve notices that Elayne is pregnant here. Is she... is she going to tell Rand when she wakes up? There are now five things that Nynaeve could tell Rand:

a. the sul’dam secret (key to any war effort against the Seanchan)

b. that Mat was left behind in Ebou Dar during the Seanchan invasion (would explain to Rand why ~Fortuona~ knew who Mat was)

c. that it was the Wondergirls and not the Dark One who changed the weather (would ease his mind somewhat)

d. that Elayne is pregnant (important emotional news!)

e. that the Seanchan attacked the White Tower (key to knowing how far the Seanchan have been willing to go, and that they now likely have access to Traveling; while Rand would have seen that the White Tower was damaged, it would have been easy for him to assume it happened when the rebels took the Tower, since he has no idea of anything that was happening in Egwene’s plotline)

WILL she tell him any of these things? I guess we’ll find out. So far, the only time she’s been willing to tell him anything (what happened with Lan) was when he basically already knew that something had happened and hounded her about it until she gave in. At this point, I feel like we can safely say that Nynaeve is more secretive with Rand than Moiraine ever was.

9. Note that Nynaeve does realize instantly that Rand is the dad, so all her ~omg Rand and Min need to get married~ ~omg Min is THE ONE who shares Rand’s heart~ ~omg we should talk to CADSUANE, why would I think of trying to talk to Elayne about Rand~ is all in the context of her apparently NOT having taken a blow to the head off-screen and forgotten about the love confessions, and forgotten about RandxElayne in general. She just bafflingly hasn’t thought about Elayne at all when interacting with Min and Rand x Min for no discernible reason. And, here, Nynaeve doesn’t appear to think of Min at all. She’s just instantly “oh Rand is definitely the daddy, don’t be coy with me, Elayne”. So when Nynaeve is around Min, she’s 100% RandxMin but when she’s around Elayne, she’s 100% RandxElayne. I guess if she ever spent time around Aviendha, she would probably be 100% RandxAviendha, lol.

10. Both Elayne and Nynaeve are way more noncommittal than Egwene expected on the whole “Rand has lost it in thinking that he needs to break the seals” deal that Egwene is selling. She blames Nynaeve’s reaction on her being ~influenced~ by Rand being ta’veren. I really do think that everything about this Egwene plotline would make more sense if Rand were still ruthless!Rand tbh. Egwene tells Nynaeve and Elayne that they need to come to the Tower to swear the oaths, but Elayne wiggles out of it because “we don’t know what it might do to the babies!” lol, it’s funny that Egwene is so 100% that everyone MUST take the Oaths but she’s all “eeeh, idk if it matters” when it comes to the Testing for being Aes Sedai. Anyway, Nynaeve says that if she’s going to do it, then she’ll do it right and take the Testing. Egwene says it will happen the next day then, and Nynaeve is startled at how soon Egwene expects her to come.

11. Oh, Egwene (very casually) mentions “before the Seanchan attack” here when Elayne is in the room, and she’s about to talk about the Black Ajah purge, when they get attacked by a two Black Ajah Sisters. Ah, that’s not really enough for Elayne to know what/when all that happened, especially since the attack happened so soon after. It’s Alviarin and... Talva? idk who Talva is, lol. I think this might be her first mention. After the attack, there’s a brief mention that Egwene tells about ~about what they missed~ but the narrative doesn’t go into detail, so we’ll only know how much she told Nynaeve and Elayne if they happen to think about it in their own narration. I wonder how much she told Elayne (and if any of that information will filter through to Mat).

My theory here is that Mat is going to be kept out of the loop of information about how much Tuon/the Seanchan have acted against his friends, to make it slightly less disgusting for the reader that Mat continues to fawn over an active danger to his loved ones who has, in the time since she left him, already assaulted his people once (meanwhile he’s been pushed into an emotional place where he felt guilty talking about standing up against her invasion -- another yikes pieces of characterization left to us by Jordan and another way the Mat x Tuon relationship is painfully lopsided; Tuon clearly feels no guilt about attacking MAT’S people).

12. Nynaeve has an Asha’man guard, Naeff, who... I think has not been mentioned before? He seems to be here as an illustration that though saidin is cleansed, any damage that the taint did to the men’s minds before it was cleansed remains intact (implying that the same is true for Rand). While she’s waiting for Rand to return (so she does plan to say goodbye before she leaves), she and Naeff are investigating a bubble of evil that turned a part of the city (people included) into dust. There’s no life left there. Things are getting Real Bad.

13. Feeling frustrated at her failure to help any of the people who were turned to dust, Nynaeve asks Naeff if she can take a look at him, and she attempts to heal the wounds that the taint left on his mind. She finds a darkness, with thorns poking into his mind. She pries the thorns free one-by-one and heals each small wound left behind. And it works, and his feeling that he is always being watched by Fades vanishes. This reminds Nynaeve not to give into despair and believe that the situation is hopeless.

14. Rand returns and he and Nynaeve talk. He thanks her for helping the Tairens and blames himself for things getting so bad, because of how he has delayed. He and Nynaeve talk a bit about Rand’s plan and it does seem pretty clear that Nynaeve sees his point about not waiting until the seals break by themselves. Better to break them and attack before the world gets worse. She tells him that she has to go back to the White Tower, and he asks her not to let them ‘ruin’ her. The most interesting thing to me here is that zen!Rand is WAY more like the Aes Sedai (in general) than ruthless!Rand, but Rand THINKS that how he previously was is like them -- forcing himself to be cold and uncaring to stay in control.

So... it is condescending for Rand to be saying this but it’s more interesting to me that he’s just flat-out WRONG (at the start of the book, when he arrived in the White Tower as zen!Rand, the people there were saying he was coming across as ‘Aes Sedai’ in vibe). But I think it makes sense (from Rand’s various Aes Sedai traumas) that he might think this -- the main Aes Sedai that he’s been around for the last several books has been Cadsuane, who is a bully and a hypocrite. Before that, he was literally tortured by a group of Aes Sedai, not all of whom were Black Ajah, some of whom were definitely using him to work out their anger issues. So I actually get why he might feel this way? But he’s incorrect. Aes Sedai are not constantly battling the taint the way that he was, so their need for control over saidar is profoundly different than Rand’s. That being said, idk if the text realizes that he’s incorrect, because Nynaeve agrees with him here (but otoh, there were the onlookers in the White Tower who straight-up said he was acting like an Aes Sedai). Rand does mention here that MOIRAINE always cared passionately but this was not something that he saw in her during the first four-ish books or so. It wasn’t until TFoH that he really began to see that in her.

I think the main thing is that Rand doesn’t have enough experience with “the average modern Aes Sedai” or “accepted White Tower training” in order to actually talk with authority.

15. Also, no. Nynaeve tells him none of the five big secrets that she is currently keeping from him, lol. She does not even CONSIDER telling him that he knocked up Elayne and she should know that he doesn’t know because they literally left Caemlyn TOGETHER back in Winter’s Heart. Being as communicative with Rand as she is with Elayne or Egwene isn’t even an option that she considers, even though she’s very fond of Rand.

16. On the plus side, she does examine his brain and we find out that his own taint-thorns are being held back by a coating of Light, which is interesting. Rand also says that he’d like it if she came back again once she’d able. Rand does mention here potentially having Elayne or Aviendha as the other woman in the circle with him if he uses Callandor with Nynaeve. We get no thoughts from Nynaeve re: the love confessions when Rand mentions Elayne and Aviendha. She also doesn’t think at all about how Elayne is pregnant when Elayne is brought up by Rand. I mean, at least she does plan to Heal Narishma and Flinn before she leaves but... jfc, she just Will Not Ever tell Rand anything, will she?

17. Faile and Perrin are finally having that big talk in private. Faile tells Perrin that he’s a good leader, and Perrin says he’s worried about how callous he’s become and that sometimes he wishes that he hadn’t gone with Rand on that night back at the start of TEotW (of course, they didn’t know that Rand was TDR at that point, so Moiraine never would have let that happen anyway lol). After that, Faile and Perrin have a meal for their one-year anniversary, their shanna’har. So that tells us how long it’s been since the battle of the Two Rivers. We then spend nearly two whole pages on reassuring Perrin that he’s a Great Leader (TM).

18. So, the thing is... Perrin’s fear about what killing those two Whitecloaks means for him as a person... that it makes him a monster and a killer, we saw a similar reflection in Rand, when he went to Falme in the last book. He thought about how that was where he first killed someone, how that was where he learned he could be dangerous to those around him. But Rand seemed to have more perspective about the situation that it occurred in. The first person Rand killed happened to be a Seanchan Lord but that doesn’t lead Rand to believe that morally he should to prostrate himself in front of ~self-proclaimed empress Fortuona~ to ask her to judge him, because Rand is capable enough of self-reflection to see both that he dislikes that he is capable of killing but also that he was in a situation where the other person was fully capable of killing him back.

But the actual connection here between Faile and Perrin is sweet, even if Perrin continues to frustrate and annoy me.

19. It’s fascinating/heartbreaking how Mat and Aludra’s relationship has changed into her treating him as an “unruly messenger boy”. It’s yet another relationship that got destroyed by Mat hooking up with Tuon. That’s one of the parts of the Mat x Tuon relationship that make it so unpleasant for me to read -- the fact that it is so inherently destructive to so many of Mat’s other relationships, leaving him much more isolated and vulnerable. And it’s just so lopsided! Mat loses/gives up so much due to the Tuon relationship and Tuon gives up nothing at all. How unbalanced the relationship is between the two of them is definitely one of the major reasons that I personally can’t get into it at all. That is not my vibe, lol.

20. Juilin comes over to talk to Mat to tell him that he plans to leave with the Aes Sedai to go to the White Tower. Very interesting that Juilin frames things in terms of Mat “giving permission” to the Aes Sedai to leave (which makes Mat wince). Juilin also hesitates before shaking Mat’s hand goodbye (and he mentions that the reason he’s not going back to Tear is because of the Seanchan). So, yeah, yikes. Looks like that’s another relationship that Mat torched by marrying Tuon.

21. Seta and Bethamin ALSO see Mat as “allowing” the Aes Sedai to leave and are somewhat surprised that it’s happening. So it kinda seems like the anti-slavery crew was unsure whether or not Mat would betray them and throw them back into the collars of the Seanchan (or basically were considering him the unofficial ‘owner’ of the three Aes Sedai Sisters). Yikes either way. And Mat winces here at being called “Highness” but doesn’t realize the deeper issue at hand. When Seta talks about how she wonders if it might not be better to die rather than to live as proof of the Empire’s lies, Mat tells them... that maybe someday after they learn to channel, the two of them (Seta and Bethamin) can convince Tuon that she’s wrong. Bro, she would stick them in a collar in a heartbeat. You KNOW this. Mark another tally in the “Mat in Willful Denial” column. This is also where he says the line, “Help me find a way to fix this without causing the Empire to collapse” and the line isn’t as awful in context as it is in isolation, because he’s clearly trying to find a way to make Seta feel less suicidal (and Seta cares deeply about the Empire). And the implication is that he means “fix this” in terms of fixing how fucked-up the damane system is, because of who his audience is (an ex-sul’dam who is scared of what it means to be able to channel).

The problem is that Mat is in such willful denial about Tuon’s character, because he wants to believe he isn’t married to a horrible person (like there are some great evil4evil pairings out there but it seems clear that is not the situation here and Mat is entering into this relationship with an “I can Fix Her” mentality, which rarely goes well -- though it does make the show’s change in his background painfully appropriate). Also, it seems clear that Mat believes that convincing Tuon that she herself is a channeler is THE key element to her having a breakthrough that would make her lead the charge to fix the damane system but... again, he deeply underestimates her ability to be a hypocrite, imo. Mat really really wants to believe that he’s married to a person who is fundamentally good but is just mistaken in her beliefs. Like I said above, I think that the narrative is going to deliberately keep information from Mat in order to let him continue to choose to believe that (if he knew that Tuon had sent assassins after the Aes Sedai, who include Egwene and his sister Bode, one would hope that he would have second thoughts about forcing himself to believe that Tuon must be fundamentally good underneath her toxic cultural beliefs).

In general, going into a relationship with the goal of changing the other person is... not such a great idea. For me, Jordan really botched the execution of the 'courtship' in CoT & KoD but when I try to not think about that part and just take what Sanderson was given, I do understand why he took this approach -- if we take it as a given that Mat has given up fighting his fate, Mat needing to justify WHY he’s gotten stuck him with Tuon makes a lot of sense. "The Pattern must have forced me into this marriage to convince Tuon that she can channel and that this doesn't make her evil, thus leading to her realizing that the damane system is trash" is a rationalization that makes sense for him to decide to believe, if we've already accepted that Mat has given up fighting.

22. Huh. Okay, that’s interesting. Mat explicitly compares the ex-sul’dam to RAND here, in terms of how terrified they are by the idea of channeling. *tilts head* I’ve talk a little bit about how Tuon is essentially a ~funhouse mirror~ of the Dragon Reborn (basically all the bad parts, lol, but she gets rewarded for it) but now I’m wondering how much MAT is projecting his feelings about Rand onto Tuon? Because Rand forced himself to be cold and in control in order to survive his destiny; Rand chases after prophecy like Tuon chases omens. But while Tuon might have a lot in common with the shell of the Dragon Reborn, we haven’t seen any evidence that there’s a good person inside that shell. In her own PoVs, she seems to be a hollow suit of armor.

I hadn’t remembered that Mat directly compared sul’dam (and thus by implication, Tuon) to Rand in the actual text of the book. Because Mat’s train of thought here goes from sul’dam to Tuon back to sul’dam and then to Rand very quickly. I still dislike that Jordan decided to have Mat’s sympathies swap from the oppressed in WH to the oppressors in CoT, but this is a very interesting justification in the text for that characterization change (one that did not appear at all in CoT or KoD, lol, so this may be an example of Sanderson trying to make sense out of the characterization change). Mat knows that there’s a good person who is frightened of what they’re capable of becoming underneath Rand’s cold shell, so he’s projecting that onto Tuon.

23. Doman and Leilwin née Egeanin are leaving to go to the White Tower too. So the entire “disapproves of the Seanchan” crew is heading to the White Tower in what feels like a fairly direct refutation of Mat’s choices (except Aludra, who is staying in Caemlyn for War Effort reasons). Oh! What Leilwin née Egeanin says to Mat when she’s leaving! “I don’t envy the place you’ve put yourself in. In some ways, I think the winds that carry you may actually be rougher than the ones which have buffeted me, recently.” Leilwin née Egeanin speaks nothing but the truth.

And the only person who wants to stay with Mat is also the one who flipped the most soundly over to the pro-slaver side: Setalle Anan, who Tuon had trained to fetch and carry for her by the end of the circus journey, and who amused Tuon by being willing to ~civilly debate~ over other people’s rights without trying to make Tuon feel bad for thinking that some people are less than human. The person most willing to coddle Tuon, in other words. That’s the only person who actually wants to stick around Mat after he’s thrown in his lot with the slavers.

(and Thom, of course, who needs Mat if he wants to save Moiraine; and Noal who is basically just a plot device)

24. Mat’s goodbye prank to Joline is... very childish (though tbh I feel like she could probably fix that with some minor channeling? I feel like this might be an annoyance to her for a handful of minutes at most). But it’s interesting here that Mat compares the ~predatory look~ in Joline’s eyes to Tylin’s even as he is desperately thinking that he needs to find some way to keep Tuon from enslaving him as da’covale (he’s “half-convinced” that she plans to enslave him at some point, though he once again tries to dress it up as ‘servant’ and not ‘slave’, just like he constantly did with Selucia back during CoT/KoD, where he kept insisting on thinking of her as a ‘ladies’ maid’ even though he knew damn well that she was a slave).

So, in the text, Mat is still operating under the deep fear that his wife is going to enslave him. Hmm. One of the other weird things that I noted happening during the circus journey is that it often seemed like Mat sublimated the anger/fear that he felt he couldn’t express towards Tuon and redirected it towards the Aes Sedai instead. In some ways, Joline was almost used as Tuon’s whipping boy during the circus journey, though I don’t know if that was intentional on Jordan’s part. Joline was the person that Mat was “allowed” to be angry at, essentially, even as Tuon behaved much more poorly.

Mat feeling wary and disliking that Joline is reminding him of how predatory Tylin was towards him -- Very Interesting. I will note that for later.

Also #JolineDeservedBetter.

25. Mat is very aware here of the connection that was formed between Setalle Anan and Tuon, and thinks that he wishes Tuon was here to distract Setalle Anan from trying to be the manager of his camp’s cooks. Strike seven-point-one. Mat notes Setalle Anan’s “plunging neckline” and how it works particularly well on “buxom” women like Setalle Anan. Not that he noticed. (the ‘not that he noticed’ is literally in the text, lol) And, once again, it is full breasts that Mat is trying to convince himself that he’s not noticing here, once again bringing attention to the lie he told himself a few chapters ago about preferring women with flatter chests these days. That’s at least three different women where it’s been the breasts in particular that grabbed Mat’s attention and that he lied to himself about. Mat is full-on trying to gaslight himself about his preferences in women’s appearances to convince himself that he’s more attracted to Tuon now than he is to anyone else Because Wife.

26. We’re reminded here that Setalle Anan knows about Mat’s protective medallion ter’angreal. She does NOT tell Mat that she told Tuon about the medallion, just regrets that she asked to look at it because that life is lost to her now. The fact that she so completely betrayed Mat to Tuon is really the thing that sticks out to me the most, of course. Setalle Anan was the one person who actually heard Tuon’s pro-slavery arguments (the reader certainly didn’t get to) and yet she gave away personal secrets to Tuon anyway. She’s the one person who should have the least amount of illusions about how deeply buried in Empire propaganda Tuon is, and yet (but she’s operating under Mat’s same delusion belief that she can ~reasonably debate~ Tuon into wanting to end slavery).

Apart from Mat himself, Setalle Anan is the character who got screwed over the most by whatever changed in Jordan’s ideas about the Seanchan story arc between Winter’s Heart and Crossroads of Twilight, going from being gutsy enough to hide an Aes Sedai in her cellar even as there were Seanchan in her very own inn... into being Tuon’s willing lacky and betraying the secrets of her former comrades. And as a result of that, Setalle Anan does feel like the most obvious evidence that Tuon is likely ta’veren.

27. Elayne strolls the Sunrise Gardens (which are on the roof of a building) and thinks about meeting Rand for the first time down in the lower gardens. We learn that her pregnancy is just beginning to show. It sounds like Elayne is getting an echo effect of Rand’s ~anti-Dark One~ bubble? The flowers bloom more around her and the little stream in this garden only runs when Elayne visits (apparently Perrin is also creating an “anti-food rotting” field as well, in his own chapters; I haven’t mentioned it because I didn’t really care, lol).

28. Oh, the deal that Elayne sets up here with the Kinswomen. I love Elayne so much. Seeking to create a place in Caemlyn where anyone who is hurt or ill can travel to be Healed free of any cost, in a lower-stakes environment than going to the White Tower. Elayne has such a good heart. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

And, of course, there are political and military considerations as well, because our girl is SMART. Having the Kin stationed in Caemlyn gives her a firm base to hold firm against the Seanchan, especially now that she knows they likely know Traveling. It is... fascinating actually, the post-War setup we have here of how much Elayne clearly plans to prepare in case of a potential Seanchan invasion post-The Last Battle, because Elayne and Tuon are on a post-canon collision course and I’m not sure how much any potential temporary truce will hold. That is a powderkeg.

Tuon is also Elayne’s foil in a lot of ways (I was talking about this with @markantonys in the comments of my last post).

They have many things in common:

we meet them both as heirs to a throne (who literally have “daughter” in their official title)

watch them ascend to power due to the reported death of their mother

they’re both capable of channeling

both are involved in love-based prophecies with ta’veren

they both have roses in their imagery (rose crown of Andor vs the raven & roses)

that one AMoL Spoiler Thing that they will have in common in the future

But there are also some strong contrasts that show the differences between them:

Tuon married without loving her husband while Elayne loves Rand but is not married to him

Elayne embraces being a channeler while Tuon rejects the idea

Tuon is the main slaver while Elayne has been the main person helping the freed slaves in the narrative

Tuon plans to force Mat to be ~full Seanchan~ while Elayne is incredibly selfless as a lover and has never tried to force Rand into being something else for her sake

Tuon uses other women as slaves, while Elayne is probably the female character who has the most connections to other women as friends and allies in a wide variety of different groups

while they both ‘claim’ lands outside their homeland that belong to them because of their ancestors’ blood, Elayne’s waiting country (Cairhien) actually IS prepared to have her as their ruler and has literally been waiting for her, while the Seanchan’s claims on the Westlands were pure propaganda on the Empire’s part based on an extremely distant past

A minor AMoL spoiler on this side too. I’ll try to point out the two spoiler-based things when I get to them in AMoL.

idk it’s interesting.

Elayne also wonders here if laying claim to the Black Tower (which IS on Andoran soil) would give her the post-Last Battle edge against the Seanchan that she would need.

29. ...Sanderson points out a massive plot hole from the Faile kidnapping arc -- that Perrin never considered using the wolfdream to scout out Malden. Yeah, that was pretty foolish of you, Perrin. It’s almost like you’re not a good leader and you don’t know how to use the advantages that you’ve been given. Bad Leader Perrin is such a hilarious contrast to Good Leader Elayne that we literally just had last chapter. I mean. On a certain level, sure, Perrin has had no training. I can’t expect him to be as good as Elayne. But on the other hand -- people (in the story) keep trying to tell me that he IS a good leader, because he makes Tough Decisions. Oddly enough, when RAND makes scorched earth Tough Decisions, the narrative understands that this is maybe not such a good thing; and part of Egwene’s whole leadership plotline was her putting her own skin on the line to AVOID doing a scorched earth approach. But Perrin doing scorched earth Tough Decisions is a-okay. For some reason.

30. ...I feel like this is the third or fourth time that Perrin has told Hopper that he’s ready to learn since we opened TGS. I think he can stop saying it, lol. Anyway, Perrin gets a lesson in keeping himself in the wolfdream even when someone is trying to force him out of it. They also run across a violet wall of energy in the dream that they cannot cross. Then Sanderson rids us of the terrible Berelain love triangle nonsense in this scene with Berelain and Faile, where they come to terms and decide that they will pretend to be friends in order to convince everyone that Berelain didn’t sleep with Perrin. Thanks for finally killing that subplot.

31. The Band of the Red Hand has been bragging to all the mercenary groups that they are led by a personal friend of the Dragon Reborn. That does track with how Talmanes behaved when he caught up with Mat in KoD.

32. Mat hears about the rumors about him -- one of them is that he “never loses at dice or love and his spear never misses his target” and he says that he wishes the second two were true. So he, uh. Doesn’t feel like he won in love. He also wishes that he’d dressed a little more fancy to see Elayne.

33. Oh, wow. Before he goes in to see Elayne, his hands are shaking. And his description of her is SO glowing. “His eyes found Elayne immediately”; “Radiant in a gown of deep red and gold”; “Beautiful, full red lips that Mat would not have minded kissing”; “Her red-gold hair seemed to shimmer in the hearthlight and her cheeks were full of color”; “She was a pretty thing.” She’s distracting.

Strike strike strike! Mat forcibly interjects Tuon/his married status into his gushing thoughts over Elayne twice here which only makes the gushing stand out more.

lol, the comparison to how he reacts to seeing Birgitte again is so telling:

“She looked the same. Always did, with that golden braid and high boots, like the hero from the bloody stories." lol, amazing. go girl give us nothing. The contrast between his gushing over Elayne’s appearance vs Just The Facts about Birgitte is hilarious. Mat is so attuned to Elayne’s appearance that he’s picked up on her barely-showing pregnancy weight (though he doesn’t realize it’s due to pregnancy) and with Birgitte he’s just like “eh I guess she’s Birgitte-shaped idk”.

Strike seven-point-two (and the third time he’s had Thoughts about Elayne so far in this book).

And Mat is expecting her to be an asshole noble (like Tuon is) and he’s bracing himself against that... and is completely taken off guard when she is warm instead, thanking him for returning Thom to Andor. She tells him that he doesn’t have to call her “Your Majesty” in private! Of course not! But it would be good to do it in public for appearances’ sake, and Mat readily agrees. I do think Sanderson missed a beat here -- if Jordan were writing this, Mat definitely would have mentioned Elayne’s dimple. Jordan’s Mat was OBSESSED with Elayne’s dimple.

34. Thom mentions Elayne’s future children and Mat is just gobsmacked that Elayne is pregnant (and that it’s Rand’s kids -- I mean, Mat has been watching Rand bang Min against every available surface for the past few months in his rainbow visions so... can’t blame him for being somewhat confused since he DOESN’T know about the love confessions). Mat also thinks in some befuddlement that Elayne is agreeable now (...and then admits that she could be agreeable before too sometimes).

Interesting here -- Thom tells the story of their escape and “capture” of Tuon, and somehow manages to make Mat sound like a hero in the story (focusing on Mat saving the Aes Sedai and helping the Atha’an Miere escape, maybe? the WH stuff before CoT destroyed Mat’s character?). And then Mat cuts him off before he gets to Tuon saying the marriage words (or, for that matter, before he gets to Mat handing Tuon back to the Seanchan Empire to continue her invasion of their continent). Given... Elayne’s understandably strong feelings about the Seanchan, I am EXTREMELY CURIOUS about how Thom managed to relay this story in a way that was amusing rather than disturbing. Though I guess some of the worse bits were things that Thom didn’t see.

35. Okay, Mat deliberately trying to make sure that Elayne doesn’t know he’s married to Tuon is... hmm. Is it because he’s so attracted to Elayne and doesn’t want to have Thom remind her that he’s married or is it because something in his hindbrain is telling him not to let Elayne know that he’s married to someone who enslaves women like her? Given the uncertainty here, I won’t give this a strike point. But, yeah, he and Elayne are getting on so well right now, that even discounting his attraction to her, I can see why he wouldn’t want to mention that he’s now married to a slaver, specifically.

36. “[Elayne] laughed, the pretty sound ringing in the room. He felt himself blushing.” OKAY! Strike seven-point-three. Mat is so fucking gone over Elayne, wow. I am so deeply curious if anything about this was in Jordan’s notes or if Sanderson was just going off of his own vibes of Mat & Elayne from ACoS. Mat is coming across as having a massive MASSIVE crush on Elayne. And when Elayne realizes the gravity of the offer that Mat is bringing with Aludra and her dragons, she declares, “Mat, I could kiss you!” and Mat blue-screens for a moment.

If Elayne HAD kissed Mat here, he would have 100% kissed her back. Like, I have zero doubt in my mind. Wow, that crush can be seen from orbit.

37. Haha, after all that getting along, Elayne and Mat do run into some conflict when Mat realizes that Elayne is planning to have Aludra build the dragons for Andor and not for the Band. To make it so that they are one and the same, Elayne offers for the Band to be an official part of Andor. And Mat is tempted. But he’s stuck with Tuon so...

“He did not think Elayne would be happy to have him in her realm once she knew of his relationship with the Seanchan.” and “He had no intention of giving the Seanchan access to these dragons.” So Mat has maintained an awareness that the Seanchan are, in fact, hostile and also that he would likely not be able to maintain his friendship with Elayne once she knows that he’s married to a slaver. Sanderson also has Mat focus on how he wants to clear up the uncertainly over how Tuon views him -- everything with Mat & Tuon really is tainted by the prophecy, of course, because how much of Mat’s desire to ~find out the truth of Tuon’s feelings~ is a genuine desire, and how much of it is because he believes that he’s trapped with Tuon regardless?

They do come to terms -- the Band will sign a contract with Andor for now. Andor gets 3/4 of the dragons and the Band gets 1/4. And, in order to sweeten the deal, Mat offers to lend his medallion to Elayne for one day, to do whatever she wants with it. Man, the give-and-take and the general... equality of the relationship. My brain is currently constructing a fantasy of THIS being Mat’s noble romance instead of the trash ones that we got stuck with. *sigh*

They bargain some more, with Elayne getting the medallion for three days and Mat getting a new serving man (MAT’S suggestion, which is key). After we had Tylin forcing fancy clothes on Mat against his will, that Mat wants and trusts Elayne to pick out someone to help him care for his clothing just... wow, that really gets to me.

38. He learns that the reason that Elayne wants the medallion is to make copies -- he finds that worrisome for a moment, but then finds himself settling on being relieved and intrigued by her plans. He also tells Elayne about the gholam. Communication! Mat learns that Elayne wants to use the Band to secure Cairhien and he’s absolutely fine with it, just as long as the Band is free for the Last Battle, “however Rand wants”. The little exchange that Elayne and Mat have here:

Mat: “I’ll do what’s right.”

Elayne: “What you see as being right.”

Mat: “Every man should have that option.”

Elayne: “Few men use it wisely.”

That is probably a conversation that will ring in Elayne’s ears in the future, once she DOES find out what really happened at the end of Thom’s story, and learns that Mat considers “marrying a slaver” in the realm of “what’s right”.

Also, Elayne spits in her hand and shake Mat’s, to copy him. Another (much more minor) mirroring moment between Elayne x Mat and Tuon x Mat.

39. Elayne mentions that she wants the FULL story at dinner that night, including what Mat meant about being a “married man” and wow, the regret that Mat feels over putting that in his letter. He notes here that he dropped it in to hopefully make her curious enough to actually meet with him, which tracks with my speculation. Mat says here, to Thom on the way out, that he wonders if maybe Elayne can give him a pardon too (after finding out that Elayne has given Thom one). It’s interesting, again, in terms of what I was wondering about re: whether or not Thom actually still likes Mat, that Thom is finding the idea of Elayne learning that Mat is married to a Seanchan slaver to be amusing. That doesn’t seem like the reaction of a friend. And, of course, Mat feeling that he might need a pardon speaks to an interesting level of guilty awareness on Mat’s part that he doesn’t want to admit to.

40. I had so much to say about Mat! And about Mat and Elayne! But that was all fascinating, especially how flustered Mat was over talking with Elayne. And it’s also interesting that, even as attracted to Elayne as Mat was, he was capable of dealing with her as an equal when it came to his people. But Mat is also very very aware that all this warmth and trust that Elayne is currently extending to him could vanish in a heartbeat if she found about “his relationship with the Seanchan”.

I do wonder how much of Mat’s reactions to Elayne are based on a (subconscious and unintentional on Mat’s part) comparison to Tuon. That maybe Elayne’s behavior is a pleasant surprise partly because of how much better she’s treating him than Tuon does.

[gale-gentlepenguin]

Gale Reviews: One Piece Film: Red

(Thanks @knightsweeties for the picture)

As this is long overdo let me break it down to how I will be breaking it down

Plot

Characters

Animation

Music (Because yes, the music is going to be a huge part in this)

Final Thoughts.

The Plot

HIT SINGING SENSATION UTA is having a concert, her first in person show and the whole world is tuning in. And just like all One Piece Movies, the Straw Hats are going there because it sounds like fun.

Uta sings her opening number and we find out that Uta is actually one of Luffy's childhood friends AND she is Shanks daughter! As in the Red Haired Pirates Shanks.

Things build up when the reveal that Uta has a devil fruit that teleports everyone into a dream world where she controls everything. Uta's plan was to bring the whole world into an era of freedom in this dreamworld by having her fans transported in.

Luffy is the first one to get bored of the idea when Uta tells him to quit being a pirate and enjoy the eternal show. Thats when we see the catastrophic event from Uta's world wide concert. The Navy, The Marines and even the red haired pirates are pulled into a race against the clock to stop Uta before she dooms the world by leaving everyone in her dream world.

But if thats not the worst part, the Tot Musica, a Demon king summoned by the Sing Sing fruit when the lyrics are sung has created a link between the physical and Dream world.

The strawhats must work with allies and enemies alike in order to stop this Demon king of song, and hopefully save Uta.

Now a LOT of this sounds like non-sense if one isnt a One Piece fan.

But the plot does do its best to let the audience follow along the best it can, but this film is meant for the fans, the ones that know one piece.

if you are a newbie with no clue who luffy is its a 5/10

If you are a one piece fan, than I would say 9/10. Because it is confusing timeline wise as well as some of the plot points kind of blending weirdly in the end.

The ending was emotional and it hits right in the heart.

__________________________________________________________

Characters

I think I will divide this section up into 4 categories.

Uta: She is the main Antagonist of this film, and while she is the one causing trouble, she did it with noble intentions. She is a Sympathetic and Tragic character. The film does a PHENOMINAL job making us see her backstory and why she is such an important character. They also integrate her near flawlessly into Shanks and Luffy's backstories. Though I think that they did a cop out when they said the Wake Shrooms were what was making her more crazy. I think they just wanted an out so they can say she wasnt seriously going to kill Luffy. Though if I heard my best friend saying he wanted to be king of Traitors and murderous monsters no matter how much I warned him, I think I would probably gone a bit nutty to. Also I wouldnt have had Uta see the clip of the destruction, there was no point to it, have her have flashes of what happen and realize the truth, would have been better. But that ending DESTROYED MY HEART.9/10

Luffy: Luffy is in top form in this film. You really sympathize with him and how far he is willing to go to save Uta. He doesnt want to hurt his friends, and whats fascinating is the entire time Luffy never threw a single punch at her. Luffy is all for smacking sense into his friends, but he also knows what she needed. I also love how Uta and Luffy both love freedom and we see their ideologies crash, Luffy being interestingly astute in pointing out that Uta isnt freeing anyone. 10/10

Shanks: I think Shanks still maintains his aura of mystery, but the movie does confirm that he and his crew are good guys, always prioritizing the lives of others and their crew. He even was willing to take blame for something that was a tragedy just to avoid having Uta feel guilty about it. Plus we got to see some cool moves from him and his crew. (I love his crew humbling kizaru.) 8/10

Everyone else: Everyone was in top form. Bartolameo was in peak simp mode, the strawhats all mastered their vibe and were in top form, each one getting a moment to shine, especially Ussop who got to coordinate observation Haki with his dad. It was a touching moment, I hope we get something like that in the manga.

The gorosei were creepy, St Charlos got treated like Garbage as he deserves (I wish he died). The Big mom Pirates from Brulee to Katakuri were great. Law and Bepo were fantastic (Bepo making me laugh the loudest) Solid 9/10

If one is a fan of the characters its and easy 9/10. But even if one isnt, their personalities are easy to read and follow along with. 8/10

______________________________________________________________

Animation

I am going to be honest, that was the most gorgeous film I have seen this year. The blend of 2d and CGI was done MASTERFULLY. The way the animation moved with Uta's songs. The animators went HAM on this. It is just unbelievably gorgeous. I wish I could describe it more than just absolutely breathtaking.

When New World and Backlight were being sung, Oh man was it incredible. And the final bout with the Tot Musica? STUNNING

easiest 10/10

___________________________________________________________

Music

I downloaded most of the songs after watching this.

Back light is my personal favorite but they are all FUCKING BOPS!

I was practically dancing in my seat, the song has HUGE CONCERT ENERGY.

10/10

___________________________________________________________

Final thoughts

This movie is an emotional roller coaster and stimulation experience that needs to be seen to be believed. I wouldnt call this a movie as more of a Love letter to the fans, one filled with imagery and love that could fill ones soul.

The emotional highs and lows connect. You FEEL what the audience feels, you understand Uta's pain, but you also understand everyone's motives for doing what they do in this film. It is an experience that left my eyes Red.

As a one piece fan, this is the best movie to date 10/10

As a critic 6/10 with 9/10 music videos. Because without knowing the series there is a lot that is confusing.

[homoplexy]

In the years I've been online I've been watching the "pro-para" or "paraphiliac" crowd become more and more mainstream, and I want to dispel some myths and assumptions if at all possible. This is going to be long, as a warning.

Being a paraphiliac is rooted in the medical diagnosis of an atypical sexual behavior which implies danger or the potential of. A paraphilia is a sexual interest derivative of the aforementioned disordered behaviors studied for usage as a diagnosis.

There are many problems with psychology and psychiatry as a whole. It's no secret that fairly recently diagnoses such as homosexuality were removed as official labels for "offending" behavior; in another instance, many of the emotion-based personality disorders such as BPD (borderline personality disorder) and HPD (histrionic personality disorder) are still unfairly placed on CAFAB people, regardless of gender identity, due to the basis behind the disorders coming from "female hysteria." However, there is also much more research backing many of the diagnoses within the DSM-5 (the standard for mental disorder symptoms & diagnosis) that is beneficial, or at the very least used in tandem with self-proclaimed paraphiliacs in these online spheres.

It's important to know (and further, understand) the social, political, and cultural aspects that factor into how the DSM developed and has been used over time. It's similar to how modern physical medicine has developed; except the pathology of human behavior from what's "normal" and "abnormal" has changed over history, unlike how a broken bone heals or a sprain occurs. So as those behaviors have changed and humans have made so many developments in a very short amount of time, especially in a country simultaneously as young and as "superpowered" as the United States, the understanding of sexual behaviors has evolved extremely rapidly. The United States as we know it today was founded on colonialism, puritanical ideals, slavery, and genocidal politics. As time wears on, those founding principles degrade more and more in place of new understandings (such as the federal outlaw of slavery, giving women the right to vote) and while there are still provisions which keep the oppressed down, at a federally recognized level progress has been made - and will hopefully keep being made. There are still so many hurdles to overcome and issues to face, but there has been significant progress from where the country started.

Now what does this have to do with paraphilia? Well, everything. Those factors and the evolution of modern day life directly affected what money went where and who was in charge of the research, universities, studies, and laboratories. Our understanding of physical and mental sciences are both progressive and regressive at the same time; we've made strides in the overall understanding of why people do the things they do and how to break those behaviors down into certain categories, but the very understanding that we have is largely based on heavily biased research. So, from there, what we know about sexuality and sexual behavior stems from these findings...and the findings from recent research as well. These together form what we know today as "paraphilias" and what constitutes what behaviors as one.

With modern and older research into sexual expression and what makes the brain find things sexually interesting, so far in the year 2024 there's a basic breakdown of the eight overall paraphilias, which are as follows:

Pedophilia (prepubescent children), exhibitionism (exposing the genitals to an unsuspecting stranger), voyeurism (spying on unsuspecting strangers in normally private activities), sexual sadism (inflicting humiliation, bondage, or suffering), sexual masochism (experiencing humiliation, bondage, or suffering); frotteurism (touching/rubbing against an unconsenting person), fetishism (nongenital body parts or nonliving objects), and transvestism* (cross-dressing). [From Assessment of the Paraphilias, Michael C. Seto, 2014.]

*It's important to note that transvestism is a rare diagnosis and is usually in tandem with other paraphiliac diagnoses, specifically violent or criminal sexual behavior. It is still a transmisogynistic term that needs to be reworked or removed altogether.

The common theme throughout these, as you can see, is the non-consenting and/or harmful behavior either perpetrated onto others or onto the self. Is every paraphilia inherently violent or dangerous? No, but you have to look at what it's grouped with as a whole. "Fetishism" can apply to most of what people online have been describing their "paraphilias" as; and there's already a word for that - fetish! The usage of the word "paraphilia/paraphile" usually induces thoughts of dangerous or harmful sexual behaviors. You can have a taboo fetish without being a paraphiliac; for instance, incest/fauxcest and ageplay can exist without being paraphilic if everyone involved is adult and consenting. "Necrophilia" means that there's a danger you're going to have sexual contact with a dead corpse or animal, when most who engage in that kind of kayfabe is just that - pretending. It becomes paraphilic when the potential for harm or danger starts to develop. Paraphilia disorders are classified under the OCD umbrella, and unfortunately with OCD - medicated and unmedicated - it can become impossible to control urges (ask me how I know.)

Ultimately, I can't choose what you call yourself or describe yourself as. I, personally, have one of the eight paraphilias which has done damage to myself and my relationships due to the nature of the voyueristic paraphilia. I have OCD and a history with sexual trauma that caused my paraphilic disorder to develop. But defining yourself online (or in person) as a paraphiliac when "fetish" or "kink" will do will make people question your intents and possibly worry for their safety (and the safety of others), simply due to the fact that so many paraphilias are rooted in non-consensual behavior and harm or the potential of. I would, however, ask you to consider what proclaiming yourself a paraphiliac means to yourself and why you want to define yourself under that word. It may not be the perfect, use the right terms, or have thorough understandings of sexuality, but it's what we currently have to go off of. If you then decide to use the terms, be aware of what they imply.

[eliotqueliot]

Queliot & The Magicians Fic Reading Winter Challenge, part 5

Due to Life I'm behind in posting my recs, but I'm still reading! So I'm really enjoying this, and honestly Reading All the Fic is what's keeping me going right now. Stay tuned. As ever, the count below simply represents my progress toward my goal of 40 fic recs.

14. I love this fic so much! It's everything I ever wanted--Eliot as a pirate high king--and Margo, Kady, Julia, and Penny all make excellent pirates! Best of all--Quentin as ship's doctor--and of course--all the great swashbuckling--scenes of Eliot and Idri, but especially Queliot--Quentin is a hero, yes--Eliot is spectacular--I love them so much--everything about the sea--Quentin's tragic backstory with Alice works so well--and yes, this fic is hot--OMG I just don't even have words for how much I love this fic. SO MUCH FUN. Thank you, @summerstede❤️

15. This fake dating Queliot fic is incredibly cute and funny and yet also deep emotionally. It makes so much sense to me, all these pent up emotions and just why they're being so careful. It's very sweet and gives me a whole new perspective on what "boring" means when you're in love. And for Queliot. And feels like a very Mosaic sentiment. Thank you, @lizardkingeliot❤️

16. This is just such a beautiful gift to Queliot, and to all of us. I love the way Quentin and Eliot are able to see and love each other truly and work on their own issues in order to be good for each other. Love the way the past, present, and a beautiful future all unfold together in the space of this one loving morning. Love how we and they can see their fragile, beautiful hearts and want to protect them. There's just so much here--please read! Thank you, @wolfnprey❤️

17. I love this chance for Quentin and Eliot to finally get together--so unexpectedly and so beautifully. This story falls into one of my favorite categories, Quentin Coldwater Lives! Honestly I wish they'd never been separated, but it looks like the time missing each other is helping them love one another so openly now! In any case--I love this!!! Thank you, Vinstormblessed ❤️

18. Following "What You Know Now" in the Timeline 9 series, but able to operate beautifully as a standalone fic, this fic shows how Alice and Kady bring Charlie back from being a Niffin--how Alice helps Charlie--it's just this really, really beautiful deep dive into a sibling relationship, showing how much they've always meant to each other. I love it so much! It's so touching and true! Thank you @official-mermaid ❤️

19. This is such a beautiful coda to Timeline 9. Even though it brings up a fascinating and heartbreaking new story problem that might never be resolved (not sure if the fic will be finished--I hope so! I subscribed!)--it is SO WORTH IT to see Eliot and Quentin together post "What You Know Now," enjoying their lives together, seriously loving one another so much. I love it! Thank you @official-mermaid ❤️

20. This fic has so much love and so much heartbreak and So Much Love. Among my many, many favorite things are goddess Julia being able to feel how much Eliot loves Q; her telling Q about this continued to give me hope for them throughout this story; and the amazing way one can see how much Eliot loves Q, even through Q's POV while Q himself is doubting it. So many beautiful touches like the gifts related to the Mosaic (all of them, no spoilers). This is beyond fake dating for me (seeing as how Q has told his dad from the beginning that they were together--long before they were). Anyway--I just love it. Thank you @rubickk7 ❤️

#Queliot & The Magicians Fic Reading Winter Challenge

#Queliot and TM fic reading winter

[withingerly]

dramas I watched in 2023

I'm more of a reblogger/lurker here and I don't really post much (at all), but I was looking at my spreadsheet of dramas last month and realized I was about to hit an insane, personal record number of dramas watched in a calendar year. So I decided to write up a recap post, mostly for my own sake because I have a terrible memory.

I am closing out 2023 having watched 92 dramas. What the actual fuck. I thought watching 67 dramas in 2021 was a cry for help, but I really have no excuse for what happened this year. (To be fair, 43 of the dramas I watched in 2021 were c-dramas, whereas this year, 65 of the dramas I watched were BL, so by total hours watched [which is not actually a metric I keep], I did probably watch more in 2021.)

So, if you care to read about which of the 92 dramas I enjoyed the most this year, along with other random categories like favorite lead characters, favorite ships, and favorite drama with X trope, read on.

Favorite C-Drama: Mysterious Lotus Casebook

Okay, this was the year I finally got what all the fuss was about with Cheng Yi. He's honestly a little weird looking to me, but damn the dude is charismatic and magnetic and I could watch him spit up fake blood all day long. (Maybe someday I'll finish Immortal Samsara, but also I'm finally beginning to make my peace with the fact that xianxia just isn't really my thing, so maybe not.) Although Cheng Yi played a huge part in my love for Mysterious Lotus Casebook, it wouldn't be my number one c-drama of the year if everything else about it wasn't excellent too. This show gave us unhinged queen Jiao Li Qiao, Qiao Wan Miao finally cutting down Xiao Zi Jun as he deserved, actually interesting cases to solve, the best shiniang and the most pathetic shixiong. And oh yeah, a truly fantastic polyship. Pretty much every single thing about this drama was perfect to me, which is a rarity. This one is definitely going up there in my top 5 c-dramas of all time.

Runner Up: Love and Redemption

They really don't make dramas like they used to anymore – literally. I would love to rewatch this one, but I don't currently have the bandwidth to make it through all 59 episodes again. And the way they genderbent Xuan Ji in the final arc but still kept her love line with Si Feng as a central plot point regardless? Currently airing c-dramas wish they could (but no seriously, fuck censorship so hard). This one might also deserve all-time top 5 status, but I blazed through my first watch so fast and furious that I think I'd have to do a more reasonably paced rewatch to confirm. In any case, this was the drama I couldn't binge watch fast enough (only a Neo from the Matrix moment, where I literally upload the drama into my brain in an instant, would have sufficed), which is a testament to how thoroughly I enjoyed this one.

Favorite K-Drama: Revenant

It seems like every year there's a k-drama that makes me go against my own taste, and this year it was Revenant. I am pretty firmly anti-horror, but the gifs of Kim Tae Ri in this show got me so intrigued and she was an absolute beast. Her performance alone would have carried this to favorite status, but then my pathetic little man Hong Kyung showed up and I don't even know why I shipped them so hard but I really really did. 

Runner Up: Alchemy of Souls

I'm cheating and putting both seasons here because even though I've probably rewatched more bits from Light & Shadow, the second season wouldn't have any of the emotional weight it does without the first season, so I'm not picking between them and you can't make me. At first, I was so disappointed that Jung So Min had been recast, but I ended up loving the second season anyway. Actress switch aside, Light & Shadow feels like a very different show, but I loved the way they handled the repercussions of the first season in a way that felt both consistent and earned. 

Favorite K-BL: The Eighth Sense

Absolutely no question here. The Eighth Sense ate my brain while it was airing. It was the strong Shelter vibes at first, but then Seo Jae Won and Kim Ji Hyun totally won me over on their own merits. By the end of episode 9, my heart was in throat. 

Runner Up: Cherry Blossoms After Winter

When I started writing this out, I was not expecting Cherry Blossoms After Winter to be here at all, but it really snuck up on me. As soon as I finished the drama, I binge-read the webtoon, and then I ended up rewatching the series more than a couple times, so yeah, I enjoyed the hell out of this one, with all its old-school vibes.

Bonus Shout Out: Our Dating Sim

If Our Dating Sim had been a little angstier, it might have given the above two a run for their money, but regardless, I have to give it a shout out because "Have you been well, without me?" is a line that just lives in my brain rent-free from now on.

Favorite Tw-Drama: Oh No! Here Comes Trouble

This could just be the recency effect, but I might go so far as to say Oh No! Here Comes Trouble is my favorite Taiwanese drama of all time. The mysteries were engaging, it's funny, it's emotional – don't get me started on how many tears I shed. The acting and writing were just top notch, and if they bless us with a second season, I will be first in line to watch. 

Runner Up: About Youth

I don't think I hear many people talk about About Youth on here, so I feel pretty justified in calling it an underrated gem. It was basically, for me, a perfect drama all the way through. The main couple and the side couple were all wholesome babies and I wanted to protect them. Ye Guang's struggle in particular really resonated with me. I often think I'm getting too old for high school and college dramas, but when they hit that nostalgia factor just right, I am sold.

Favorite J-Drama: Utsukushii Kare: Eternal

Cheating a bit here because Eternal was a movie, but it was the final installment to the Utsukushii Kare series and it was perfect. We finally got the character growth I wanted, that made me believe these two crazy kids would actually make it. 

Runner Up: Tokyo in April Is…

My best friend pointed out recently that j-dramas are great with obsession, and yeah, I do love my j-dramas a little fucked up. Not only does this one feature obsession, but it also has another of my favorite tropes: second chances. Ren had my whole freaking heart, and the way he finally got his happy ending left me on the floor. That chase scene was one of my favorites.

Favorite Thai BL: A Tale of Thousand Stars

(Fun fact! Prior to this year, the only Thai BL that I had watched was Kinnporsche. RIP to me.)

This was definitely my hardest category, because it was my most-watched category (33 dramas), but I gotta give it to A Tale of Thousand Stars. Solid execution of some of my favorite tropes and it just ticked all the boxes: good pacing, good acting, good plot, good chemistry. And lucky me, we got Our Skyy 2 this year. I'm usually not that bothered by proposal scenes, but this one got me hard. It was exactly the kind of epilogue to Tian and Phupha's story that I didn't realize I needed.

Runner Up: Lovely Writer

On the complete other end of the spectrum, upending all our favorite tropes, is Lovely Writer. I rewatched this after watching a dozen more Thai BLs, and I have to say I enjoyed it even more. During my first watch, I hated the first half, only stuck with it because I liked Gene so much, and loved the second half. Upon rewatch, the first half was not nearly as unbearable, and I think it was because I could see that Sib was intentionally playing into a BL archetype. But still, the second half has all of my favorite moments. Once their shared history is revealed, Sib stops being a cardboard cutout and becomes more human, and the entire storyline picks up and I am much more invested in his and Gene's relationship. That dinner where they come out to their families is excruciatingly awkward and I love it (and the episode that follows) so much – those scenes alone elevate it to favorite status.

Favorite First Half of a Drama: Destined

I love both Bai Jing Ting and Song Yi, so my expectations for this drama were very high, and the first half of Destined absolutely delivered. Just sheer perfection, no wrong steps, everything I didn't even know I wanted. Unfortunately, that kind of means the show peaked when they found themselves in the wilderness, trying to get the other to survive out of sheer willpower purely because they believed in the other's goodness. THE BLOOD FEEDING!!! Ahem. So yeah, the second half was okay, it had its moments but was generally a little boring and predictable, but dear god that first half was incredible. 

Runner Up: The Blood of Youth

It may seem strange to have The Blood of Youth in this category, since I ended up giving it a 5/5 rating, but I just loved the Xiao Se x Wu Xin x Lei Wu Jie dynamic so much and as the show veered away from that, I couldn't help but be a little disappointed.

Favorite Drama That I Wouldn't Actually Recommend to Other People: Love in the Air

I know some people loathe everything MAME touches, but Love in the Air worked for me on every level. Well, I wish the acting for the couple in the second half had been a little better (ducks and runs), but I loved the first half and still quite enjoyed the second half. I really wouldn't recommend it to anyone, but it speaks to my little lizard brain. 

Runner Up: History 4: Close to You

I absolutely get why this show is controversial and why people hate it. I also don't care. This show had some delicious angst, and I was emotionally invested in both couples. Just a thoroughly enjoyable watch, but yeah, unless you're familiar with certain BL tropes and know you like them, I wouldn't actually recommend this one.

Favorite ML: Li Lianhua / Li Xiangyi (Mysterious Lotus Casebook)

Look, was it really going to be anyone other than this broken and silly man that feels the weight of the world on his shoulders and thinks his own life is worth less than everyone else's? It's been 4 months since I finished this drama, and I am still so emotional about Li Lianhua.

Runner Up: Xie Wei / Xue Ding Fei (Story of Kunning Palace)

I love an unhinged bastard, okay? When you realize that he loved her all along, her suicide in the first timeline hits that much harder. But I do love that he (albeit unknowingly) gets a second chance, and the man just goes for it. Never ever over the scene where he stabs his own hand, through the table no less, despite his obsession with playing the qin, to protect her. Romance storyline aside, I also love a good hidden identity trope (yes, there's a theme to this category). Xie Wei's revenge quest was delicious, and I freaking loved his scenes with Yan Mu and Yan Lin, all the meaningful looks and things unsaid until Yan Lin finally knelt in front of his cousin and acknowledged him.

BL Shout Out: Ai Di (Kiseki: Dear to Me)

It's hard to compare MLs from shows that run for 40 episodes vs. 12, but I have to shout out my favorite feral gangster Ai Di. I love me some good pining, and not only has this man pined for nearly his entire life, but he makes it everyone's problem. 

Favorite FL: Xu Hongdou (Meet Yourself)

Xu Hongdou was just so cool and kind and gorgeous, and okay, yeah, I had a big crush on her. I've never seen Liu Yi Fei in anything before, I didn't even realize she played Mulan in that recent Disney live action production until my sister pointed it out much later, but she's one of those actresses that can make me cry just by tearing up. Xu Hongdou felt like a real person, kind but not a pushover, strong but still vulnerable, and I somehow want to grow up to be her even though I'm older than her.

Runner Up (tie): Shim Woo Joo (Call It Love) / Gu San Yeong (Revenant)

This one is a tie because I loved both Woo Joo and San Yeong for the exact same reasons: they were just so fucked up but trying so hard, and more than anything, I just wanted them to be happy. While the ships in both dramas were great, for me the real otps were the FL x happiness.

Favorite Supporting ML: Wu Xin (The Blood of Youth)

Every time Wu Xin was on screen, it was just a breath of fresh air. I get that he's totally overpowered, so for plot reasons it made sense to remove him, make him mind controlled, etc. But every time he wasn't on screen, I missed him. Even though the casting was a bit of an odd choice (they gave us a man in his early 30s playing a teenager), I can't imagine loving Wu Xin as much as I did if it hadn't been Liu Xue Yi. He doesn't really manage to look like a teenager, especially next to Li Hong Yi and Ao Rui Peng, but he really pulled off Wu Xin's innocence and naivete and childish humor. He also gave Wu Xin a certain gravitas and realism that I don't think a younger actor could have pulled off.

Runner Up: Jin Fan (My Journey to You)

Jin Fan, my beloved. His backstory was delicious and made his relationship with Gong Ziyu even better. Also, the fact that he actually secretly liked Gong Zishang back the entire time??? My man.

Favorite Supporting FL: Yang Ying (A Journey to Love)

A YING MY GIRL. Her journey from neglected, unloved princess to capable and powerful grown-ass woman who marries a dude she doesn't love to protect her people was quite possibly my favorite thing about this show. I would 100% watch a drama just about her, and I so wish we'd gotten an actual glimpse of her and Li Tong Guang in that little epilogue in the final episode. Their alliance/marriage is fascinating to me. He Lan Dou better be a FL in some dramas asap. She was equally convincing as both a meek, terrified princess, helpless to the whims of bigger political machinations around her, and an icy cold princess in enemy territory, actually playing the game instead of just being a game piece, determined to not only survive but to also protect everyone she loves.

Runner Up: Yoon San (The Eighth Sense)

Shout out to the only person who was actually Jae Won's friend in this show. Yoon San was a total scene stealer for me, don't even get me started on that bit when she was singing by the fire on the beach (swoon), and I found her friendship with Jae Won really sweet and believable. I think this actress is super talented, she nailed the funny moments, she nailed the heartfelt moments, and I would love to watch her in another drama.

Favorite Non-Canon Ship: Gong Shangjue x Gong Yuanzhi (My Journey to You)

I did not go into this drama expecting to be so into these cousins/sworn brothers, but Gong Shangjue and Gong Yuanzhi's relationship as it unfolded throughout the show became the one I was the most invested in. I fully admit I'm a sucker for a dynamic where one party is wholehearted devoted to the other and also wholeheartedly believes the other is not nearly as devoted, so as soon as we got their tragic backstory, I was solidly on board.

Runner Up: Na Na x Da Mai (Meet Yourself)

I know Chinese censorship blah blah blah, but Na Na and Da Mai should have been girlfriends, cowards. I guess at the very least, neither of them ended up with a real love line of their own, but still, they should have been girlfriends. It just makes sense.

Technicality Shout Out: Li Lianhua x Fang Xiaobao (Mysterious Lotus Casebook)

The only reason this pairing isn't at the top of the list is because I, personally, don't consider them non-canon. They read to me exactly the same as the pairings in The Untamed and Word of Honor, thus they are canon.

Favorite Friendship: Pu Yiyong x Chen Chuying x Cao Guangyan (Oh No! Here Comes Trouble)

Watch the last episode of Oh No! Here Comes Trouble, and tell me this friendship trio didn't make you cry buckets. You know each of them is wondering how they ended up with the other two as friends, but somehow they're also totally ride or die and I love them all so much. 

Runner Up: Lom x Yiwa (Wedding Plan)

I loved Lom and Yiwa's long history together, the sacrifices they made for each other, their deep love born out of a bond of shared family pressure and mutual understanding. Their friendship actually drove the plot, and even when I was hollering at Lom to just be honest, his actions (and inaction) felt realistic once we got to know how important Yiwa is to him and why and once we had the context to understand how he had lived his life up to that point.

Favorite Found Family: Liudaotang (A Journey to Love)

If you've seen this show, I feel like it needs no explanation. These spies and scouts and murdery people with big ass swords and spiked shields and automatic crossbows were too good for this world. And the way their little family just kept getting bigger and bigger (spoiler: UNTIL IT DIDN'T) was so much fun to watch (spoiler: UNTIL IT WASN'T).

Runner Up: Rainbow Premium Taxi Service (Taxi Driver, Season 2)

I loved the way they addressed the end of season 1, by showing that these people are all a little messed up and they belong together and they really need the revenge business just as much as their clients do. When Kim Do Gi got roofied and he had his little housewarming hallucination, where they all wore matching slippers with hearts (!!), it honestly made me wanna cry a little.

Favorite Drama Featuring Friends to Lovers: My Only 12%

I don't know if it's because I missed it when it was airing, but I don't think I see many people talk about this show and I don't get why. This is to me quintessential friends to lovers. Seeiw and Cake's friendship felt absolutely real and lived in and honest, and the episode when Cake's family moved away had me bawling. Seeiw's pining physically hurt me, and Cake's confession scene in English could have been cringe but it was actually so fucking romantic.

Runner Up: Fake It Till You Make It

I don't know if everyone else would classify this one as friends to lovers because from the moment these two meet, it feels like they're teetering on the cliff of a romance or at least an excellent one night stand. But I just loved the way they flirted openly and then talked honestly about why they needed to stay friends and nothing more. I'm not typically that into "will they won't they" romances, but here, their hesitation to get more involved made sense emotionally, but at the same time their chemistry was fire and their attraction to each other was palpable, so it all just worked for me. Also friendship rings instead of couple rings was so stupid and I loved it.

Favorite Drama Where Nice Guys Finish First: Light On Me

This is totally not to say that Shin Da On isn't also nice, I just have no idea what to call this trope, but it's one of my faves, where the lead character ends up with the person they didn't actually fall for first. I did not foresee Tae Kyung ending up with Shin Woo at all, which is some poor media literacy on my part because all the hints are there from the beginning, but that kind of made the ride even more fun. One of the reasons I enjoy this trope so much is the built-in pining, and Shin Woo had some excellent pining. "Yesterday, today, and probably tomorrow, I will continue thinking about you" was a freaking great line.

Runner Up: My Ride

You might think a drama about two actually decent guys would be boring and lack conflict, but this drama employed this trope perfectly by starting out with Tawan getting a shot at his first love, the seemingly wonderful Por. So instead we got some great pining, Tawan being an oblivious sweetheart, and Mork trying so hard to be a good friend and not overstep, even as he was dealing with his own sexuality crisis. Just delicious.

Favorite Drama About Soulmates: Until We Meet Again

Did I only watch two dramas with the soulmate trope? Maybe so, but it's my list, so I do what I want. Until We Meet Again was what I would call a pitch perfect show – it delivered on everything it set out to do. I thought I was doing okay with the whole tragic soulmate storyline, but then I got to the very last episode and cried pretty much from start to finish. From the start, that episode got me so good and did not let up for like the next half hour, and so I was basically just left leaking tears until it all wrapped. Damn you, Fluke.

Runner Up: La Pluie

God this show was interesting. Smarter people than me have written a lot more nuanced and thoughtful meta than I ever could, so all I'll say is that I thoroughly enjoyed that a drama based on the premise of soulmates was really actually about how love is work. It wasn't a perfect show, but it was so interesting and the cast was so great that it was definitely a stand out.

For a true glimpse into my insanity this year, here is the full list of dramas I watched, including my ratings, in the order that I watched them:

Alchemy of Souls (4/5)

Alchemy of Souls: Light and Shadow (4/5)

Unchained Love (2/5)

Hi Venus (2/5)

The Blood of Youth (5/5)

Meet Yourself (5/5)

Silent (3/5)

Big Dragon (3/5)

Love in the Air (4/5)

My Tooth, Your Love (4/5)

Moonlight Chicken (4/5)

Utsukushii Kare: Season 2 (3/5)

A League of Nobleman (3/5)

Lovely Writer (4/5)

The New Employee (3/5)

Be Loved in House: I Do (2/5)

Not Me (3/5)

Tharntype (3/5)

Roommates of Poongduck 304 (3/5)

Theory of Love (3/5)

Tale of Thousand Stars (4/5)

Wish You: Your Melody from My Heart (2/5)

Our Dating Sim (4/5)

Cherry Blossoms After Winter (4/5)

Call It Love (3/5)

To My Star (3/5)

Bed Friend (3/5)

The Eighth Sense (5/5)

Taxi Driver: Season 2 (3/5)

Takara-kun & Amagi-kun (3/5)

A Shoulder to Cry On (4/5)

About Youth (5/5)

Light On Me (4/5)

Minato's Laundromat (4/5)

History 2: Crossing the Line (3/5)

History 1: Obsessed (2/5)

Dark Blue Kiss (3/5)

Together With Me (3/5)

Oh No! Here Comes Trouble (5/5)

My Engineer (3/5)

Never Let Me Go (4/5)

My Only 12% (4/5)

Black Knight (3/5)

Love Mate (3/5)

Until We Meet Again (4/5)

Love By Chance (4/5)

Bad Buddy (4/5)

Between Us (3/5)

Here We Meet Again (3/5)

Secret Crush on You (2/5)

Love Tractor (2/5)

My Ride (3/5)

Star in My Mind (2/5)

La Pluie (4/5)

2gether (3/5)

Destined (3/5)

Hidden Love (4/5)

Tokyo in April is… (4/5)

Revenant (5/5)

Mysterious Lotus Casebook (5/5)

Sing My Crush (3/5)

Bad Guys (3/5)

Love and Redemption (5/5)

Oh! Boarding House (3/5)

Stay By My Side (3/5)

Jun & Jun (3/5)

Fake It Till You Make It (3/5)

The Legend of Zhuohua (3/5)

My Lovely Liar (3/5)

My Journey to You (4/5)

Second Chance (3/5)

Lost in Translation (3/5)

My Personal Weatherman (3/5)

Wedding Plan (4/5)

Laws of Attraction (3/5)

Bon Appetit (3/5)

Oxygen (2/5)

Why R U? (Korea) (3/5)

Kiseki: Dear to Me (4/5)

Hidden Agenda (3/5)

Behind Cut (3/5)

History 4: Close to You (4/5)

Destined with You (3/5)

Dangerous Romance (3/5)

Story of Kunning Palace (4/5)

Perfect Marriage Revenge (3/5)

My Dear Gangster Oppa (2/5)

A Breeze of Love (2/5)

I Cannot Reach You (4/5)

Be Mine Superstar (3/5)

A Journey to Love (5/5)

Ai Long Nhai (3/5)

[kerra-and-company]

can I ask for the OC Music Prompts for Ari?

You absolutely can!! :D

1. backstory

But you're stronger now Can't hold you down You're breaking out Because you were never born to quit You gotta stand up You were made for this So keep on throwing rocks and fists You gotta stand up You were made for this

(Made For This by City Wolf)

Something about Ari being shaped by the legions while also doing her own thing and eventually leaving after everything breaks down. You gotta stand up, and you can and will because of who you are and what you've done and been through. I don't know. Sometimes I look at the lyrics for this and the connection feels a little looser than I thought originally, but it gives me Ari backstory energy regardless. Alternatively, we've got this one, which is a fan-song for ATLA but does have a few bits that strike me as baby!Ari:

Meet my eyes, make assumptions, try Tell me what you think someone like me should be like Call me names I hate, ignore my skill and sake But trust me idiot, oh I can take a real fight

(Real Fight by HalaCG)

2. personality

I've heard If I were tougher Then maybe I'd make it alive I got a tender side I'll need a harder shell to survive

But if seeing is believing I don't know I've seen a thing grow Without an open coat Not without a softness showing

I know, maybe you're not quite ready To loosen your hold On the safety blanket You been keeping around your shoulders But your sums and your pieces Are enough to make you whole You gotta let go

(Soap by The Oh Hellos)

This is one I'd normally put in the romance category (since the song overall falls there and gives me many Emotions), but this particular snippet also works decently well for personality--it can be read as Ari talking to herself.

Next bits under the cut for both length and brief discussion of suicidal ideation.

3. angst

In my own head I'm a prisoner And you're not much of a listener I have always been this way Can't outrun the pouring rain

I'm so sick of waiting on the sun My silver lining never comes So sick of feeling not enough Does hope hurt more than giving up?

(Waiting On The Sun by Citizen Soldier)

This one is Ari on her own after losing her 'bandmates. It's...not happy. Also has the allusion to rain and storms, which is doubly appropriate where she's concerned (Ari Stormshield is her name, after all).

(Also, PSA to anyone reading this who might need it: please don't go exploring this song or other works by this artist unless you're in a good enough mental state to do so. A not-insignificant number of their songs are along the same lines as this one.)

4. comfort

Cross my heart and hope to die Taking this one step at a time Got your back if you got mine One foot in front of the other

(One Foot by Walk The Moon)

This is comforting for Ari in a sense, I think. Just to go one step at a time and feel like she's moving forward.

And for something that's a little more comforting-feeling to me when I listen to it:

And all the beats fell in between the silence that we shared And all the trees were swaying softly in the thick, black air If I'm honest, it felt like love

And you said, stay here, darling Don't you worry 'bout a thing, don't you worry 'bout a thing I'm right here, darling Don't you worry 'bout a thing, don't you worry 'bout a thing

It's us against the world It's us against the world It's us against the world

(Don't You Worry by Oh Wonder)

5. love life

I've just settled into the glass half empty, made myself at home And so why now? Oh, please not now I just stopped believing in happy endings, harbors of my own

But you had to come along didn't you Tear down the doors Throw open windows Oh, if you knew just what a fool you have made me So what do I do with this?

(Stray Italian Greyhound by Vienna Teng)

Your heart is beating beside me It's trying to ignite It gives off the heat of a sunbeam Even on the coldest night

It's like I'm burning from inside out and I I think I know who to blame We are the fever that's wild and dangerous And I wanna dance in the flame

(On My Way by Sheppard)

:)

:))))

6. fight scene

Heroes by The Sidh - no lyrics, please listen to get a good idea of the vibes if you're curious!

(and bonus thirst trap: good god I have no idea alsjkdf, probably because that would never be a thing she'd make (not that she couldn't if she wanted to, though!))

[wc100playlist]

5. Oasis - Wonderwall

I'm not sure when the "Anyways, here's Wonderwall" joke died out exactly. I haven't heard it in years--not from other people, I mean. Even I don't reference it as often as I used to, for which I'm sure my friends would thank me, though it does lessen the quantity of openings through which to dunk on me. I happen to like "Wonderwall," and like many other white men w/ acoustic guitar, I've (tried to) learn it.

For the uninitiated, "Anyways, here's Wonderwall" came from the stereotype of men being able to play it and nothing else. In my defense, I can play other songs, insofar as I can "play" guitar. I still can't play "Wonderwall."

Men--like me--who enjoy Oasis--the British band behind "Wonderwall," "Don't Look Back in Anger," and "Champagne Supernova," notably--tend to be grouped under an unfortunate category alongside male fans of The Kinks and The Clash and anything vaguely like music from the British scene. This category is the wide umbrella of Male Manipulator music. The British punk-pop-rock genus is related to but distinct from the 80s-woman-pop genus, as well as the jazz-but-mainly-white-artists and the indie-alt-boygenius geni. Despite their differences, the MM family gene permeates each genus and compels the individual male to Manipulate, Mansplain, and Manwhore with an even greater efficiency than unmusically inclined contemporaries.

At least, so the theory has been explained to me. My first lesson in this taxonomy occurred in my Sophomore year of college in the basement apartment I shared with a girl I knew from high school. She and an ever-present mutual friend spent quite a bit of time in the living room most evenings sifting through the fine sands of the internet to find gems, one of which was a devastating meme list of the worst possible bands a man could enjoy. When Oasis came up, the two of them turned in unison to burn a hole in my head with their collective gaze--my frontal lobe was never the same.

It's not that "Wonderwall" itself prompts an MMM mutation; rather, the music is a symptom of the underlying condition. Speaking from a personal theory--because everything else stated has of course been peer reviewed by the most prestigious personal friends of mine--Male Manipulator Music typically embodies aesthetics of emotional integration and vulnerability which the typical MM understands, if only in a rudimentary way. Male Manipulators are empathetic persons who utilize this sense to affect the emotional landscape surrounding them for their own benefit.

A cynical author would point out that big label artists--especially punk and alt bands--follow a very similar playbook, performing complex and potent emotionality to profit from an ever-growing fanbase. A carefully-crafted album that rages against capitalist alienation can result in the same cycle of obsession which love-bombing prompts--at least in my experience. I don't mean to imply that all artists--Taylor Swift; Matty Healy--who release emotionally complex albums--evermore, Folklore; The 1975, i like it when you sleep for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it--or very nostalgic music--1989 (Taylor's Version)--intentionally write that sort of music to mask their unethical actions as multi-millionaires and "21st century rock stars"--owning eight homes during a housing crisis, topping the celebrity personal flight carbon footprint leaderboard in 2022; being generally unpleasant about women and non-white people despite in theory advocating for both groups.

But I never said that Male Manipulators manipulate, mansplain, and manwhore consciously or intentionally. Having manipulated, mansplained, and manwhored myself, I can say that I rarely thought about what I was doing while I was doing it--else, I hope I would have conducted myself better. Empathy is a skill, yes, but it can be a deeply intuitive skill, enough so that one needs only a basic grasp to perform it for one's own gain. A basic grasp is, in fact, preferable for the Male Manipulator: it allows them to actually care about women well enough to feel good about themselves and poorly enough to still extort them for all the affection they can wring out.

They don't need to know the full album to do it; they just need to know "Wonderwall."

[lemondropdancer]

Grounding Techniques

Mental Distraction Techniques

Pick a category of objects and try to think of as many objects as possible that fit within that category (e.g., types of dogs, cities, types of trees, crayon colors, sports)

Pick a letter and think of emotionally positive or neutral words that begin with that letter

Pick a color and look for things of that color. Notice differences in their exact shades

Say or think the alphabet backwards or alternate letters and numbers (A1, B2, C3, D4, etc)

Count backwards from 100 by 3s, 6s, or 7s or count up by prime numbers or perfect squares

Play "fizz-buzz" with yourself. Begin counting to 100 (or over!), but replace any number that contains the number 5 or is a multiple of 5 with the word "fizz" and any number that contains the number 7 or is a multiple of 7 with the word "buzz." For example, 1-15 would be "1, 2, 3, 4, fizz, 6, buzz, 8, 9, fizz, 11, 12, 13, buzz, fizz." When you mess up, compliment yourself and start over

Think of the words to your favorite song or poem or think of facts related to a specific theme

Pick a word or your name and see how many other words you can make from the letters in it

Describe an every day event or process in great detail, listing all of the steps in order and as thoroughly as possible (e.g., how to cook a meal, how to get from your house to your place of work or school, how to do your favorite dance)

Read something technical or meant for children or read words backwards to focus on the process of reading and not the words

Watch a children's television show or movie or watch cute or funny videos on Youtube; it might help to have a playlist already prepared for this

Look at a current news article that is not likely to be upsetting or distressing

Distract yourself with Tetris, Solitaire, Sudoku, word searches, or other puzzle games

Reorientation Techniques

Say or think to yourself: "My name is _________. I am safe right now. I am _____ years old. I am currently at _____________. The date is _____________. If I need help, I am with ________/can call _________. Everything is going to be alright."

List reaffirming statements ("I am fine. Everything is going to be okay. I am strong. I can handle this.")

Ask yourself where you are, what day of the week it is, what day of the month it is, what month it is, what year it is, what season it is, how old you are, and other present-focused questions

Notice things in your surroundings that indicate to you that you're safe or that you're in the present (e.g., locks on your door, electronics that didn't exist when you were younger, the presence of trusted people, a phone so that you can call for help if you need it)

Describe your surroundings in detail, including sights (objects, textures, shapes, colors), sounds, smells, and temperature

Name five things that you see, four that you feel, three that you hear, and two that you smell or taste, and then name one good thing that you like about yourself

Pick four or five brightly colored objects that are easily visible and move your focus between them. Be sure to vary the order of your gaze and concentrate briefly on each one before moving to the next

Think about a fun time that you recently had with a friend or call that friend and ask them to talk about it with you

Sensory-Based Grounding Techniques

Run cool or warm (but not too cold or hot) water over your hands or take a cool or warm bath or shower

Spritz your face (with eyes closed), neck, arms, and hands with a fine water mist

Spray yourself with your favorite perfume and focus on the scent

Feel the weight of your body in your chair or on the floor and the weight of your clothing on your skin

Touch and hold objects around you. Compare the feel, weight, temperature, textures, colors, and materials

Keep a small object with you to touch or play with when you get triggered. Good examples include a smooth stone, a fidget toy, jewelry, or a tiny plushy

Bite into a lemon, orange, or lime, suck on a sour or minty candy or an ice cube, chew cinnamon-flavored gum, or put a few drops of Tabasco sauce on your tongue. Notice the flavor, scent, and texture

Eat something or drink warm tea, coffee, or hot chocolate, and describe to yourself the taste and texture in great detail

Place a cool wash cloth on your face or hold something cold like a can of soda

Listen to soothing or familiar music. If possible, dance to it

Hum, sing, recite poetry, or make up a silly poem or story as you go

Pick up a book and read the first paragraph out loud

Hug another person (if interpersonal touch isn't a trigger). Pay attention to your own pressure and the physical sensations of doing so

Hug a tree! Register the smells of being outside, the wind, and the sights around you

Movement-Based Grounding Techniques

Breathe deeply and slowly and count your breaths

Grab tightly onto your chair or press your feet against the ground as firmly as you can

Rub your palms and clap your hands or wiggle your toes within your socks. Pay attention to the physical sensation of doing so

Stretch out your arms or legs, roll your head on your neck, or clench and unclench your fists

Stomp your feet, walk around, run, jump, ride a bike, do jumping jacks, or do yoga

While walking, notice each footstep and say to yourself "right" and "left" to correspond with the foot currently moving

Squeeze a pillow, stuffed animal, or ball

If you have a soft pet (dog or cat), brush its fur and stroke it. If you don't, brush your own hair slowly and without pulling too much

Color in an adult coloring book, finger paint, or draw anything that comes to mind without worrying about quality

Write whatever comes to mind even if it's nonsense. Try not to write about whatever is upsetting you until you're more capable of doing so without increasing the upset

Write a list of things that make you happy or look for cheerful pictures to make into a collage

Pop bubble wrap or blow and pop actual bubbles

Dig in the dirt or garden, jump on a pile of leaves, or splash around in puddles or mud

Rip up paper or stomp on aluminum cans to crush them

Imagery Techniques

Picture yourself breathing in relaxation, calm, positive feelings, or strength. Picture yourself breathing out whatever is upsetting you. It may help to pair this with imagery of breathing in soothing colors (usually blue, purple, or green) and out more intense colors (usually red or black)

If you need to relax, envision a soothing white or golden light slowly moving up your body, warming and relaxing every part of you that it touches. You can also think of it as protecting you from negativity or from harm

If the problem is intense or uncomfortable emotions, physical sensations, or memories, picture them being surrounded and neutralized by a bright and healing light, temporarily placed in a mental box to be stored for later, or dialed back by an internal controller of intensity

If you have a clear mental picture of what's upsetting you, mentally change it to something silly or harmless. If you're a fan of Harry Potter, cast a mental "riddikulus" to banish the negativity

Picture yourself calm, focused, and able to tackle whatever problems you're facing. Focus on how that would feel in the moment. What would your expression and posture be like? Make whatever changes you need to in order to make your reality reflect your goal

How to Make a Grounding Box

Get a box or basket

Personalize and decorate it with construction paper, wrapping paper, ribbon, stickers, drawings, paint, photographs, glitter, sequins, or anything else that you like

Keep within it:

A list of grounding techniques that you know work for you

A list of positive affirmations and happy memories

A list of the contact information of trusted friends or family who are willing to help and support you

Small sensory objects such as: scented candles, perfumes, or lotions; hard candies or gum; soft fabrics, a stress ball, a stuffed animal, or a fidget toy; happy pictures of you with friends; a CD with relaxing music or meditation tracks. Try to cover all of the senses

A list of possible distractions such as books to read or movies to watch

Small portable distractions such as a pack of playing cards, a small game, or a joke book

A list of comforting things to do such as taking a bubble bath, snuggling up in bed, or meditating

A small journal or notebook

In the Case of a Flashback

Tell yourself that you are having a flashback and are safe now

Remind yourself that the worst is over, and you survived it. What you're feeling now is just a reminder of that trauma and does not fit the present moment

Remind yourself of when and where you are, who you're currently with, and who you can contact if you need help (use the reorientation-focused grounding techniques)

Breathe deeply and slowly. Count your breathes and make sure that you're getting enough air

Use other mental, sensory, movement, and imagery techniques in order to distract yourself, calm yourself, and reorient yourself within the present

If possible or necessary, go somewhere where you can be alone or with a close friend, where you will feel safe, or where you feel protected or shielded

If there is anyone who you can trust or who will support you, reach out to them, let them know what happened, and let them know what you need, what would be best for you, or what they could do to help

Be gentle with yourself and take the time to really recover. If what helps you to recover is to color, take a bubble bath, hug a stuffed animal, or watch a children's movie and if it would not be disruptive to do such things at that point in time, embrace those options whole-heartedly

If possible, note or write down what triggered the flashback, what techniques you tried to use to disrupt the flashback, and what techniques helped

[blouisparadise]

Upon request, here is a rec list of bottom Louis fics with cocky Harry. If you enjoy our rec lists, please be sure to like and reblog this post to help spread the word. Happy reading!

1) Zip Your Lip (Like A Padlock) | Explicit | 4151 words

Louis is a brat. Harry goes to watch him dance. Can you blame them?

2) Your Apathy’s Like A Wound In Salt | Explicit | 5312 words

“What a fucking ass!” Louis shifts his body so he’s completely facing away from the scene. “I asked him last night to fix my car and he said he would accept a payment in the form of me sucking his dick. I guess he’s really desperate, I can’t believe him.” Louis rolls his eyes, finishing off his drink in one go.

Niall shakes his head and shrugs, “I told you to ask any other mechanic in town but you didn’t listen to me.”

“Well, I didn’t think he would fucking say that now did I, Niall?”

“Louis,” Paige rests a manicured hand on his shoulder, “So, you’re saying you still wouldn’t hit it?”

“My ex?” She nods. “Yeah, I’d still hit that. Except this time it would be with a car or a baseball bat.”

Suddenly, Niall spits out his beer all over the table as Paige bursts out laughing. “Fucking ruthless, you are.” Niall runs a hand through his styled hair.

3) Anything Goes | Not Rated | 10275 words

Harry probably shouldn't be amused that Louis has a death grip on his hand and is dragging away from an event that, you know, they should be at. And he still probably shouldn't have that god awful smirk plastered to his face when Louis shoves him into the bathroom and steps in before locking the door.

4 Don't Hold Back Now | Mature | 11103 words

Harry gives Louis everything he asks for except for the one thing he wants the most. If only Louis knew who Harry truly was.

5) Rapture In The Dark | Teen & Up | 13153 words

Harry Styles is a breakout musician who has shed his boyband label in favor of embracing his inner brooding rockstar. His PR team think that his rebrand is the perfect time for Harry to come out of the closet and have devised the perfect plan for doing so. Enter Louis Tomlinson, up and coming (and very openly homosexual) model whose public image as America's Sweetheart is the perfect foil for Harry's new edge. From a PR standpoint, it's a dream come true - a power couple that can slowly coax the public into accepting Harry's altered image. The only problem? They hate each other.

6) Works Like A Charm | Explicit | 18088 words

Ever since Louis joined the team in fifth year, a few facts have become set in stone.

One: Louis is the best chaser in Hogwarts.

Two: Harry is the best beater in Hogwarts.

Three: They do not get along.

So it’s really unfair of Liam to think that forcing them to spend time together as Louis recovers from his injury will make them the best of friends. The last thing Louis would do is get along with that git.

7) Up To No Good | Explicit | 26525 words | Part 2 | Part 3

Harry doesn’t think of himself as a womanizer, not at all. Sure, he enjoys sex, enjoys how women feel underneath him, and by some people’s standards he has sex with quite a lot of people, but that’s no reason to tell him that he can’t have a female PA anymore.

It’s especially no excuse for giving him a male PA who’s possibly the most gorgeous boy in the world who won’t even let Harry look at him for too long.

Sometimes Harry hates his life.

8) Nicotine | Explicit | 32345 words

“We’re two different types of people, Liam. He likes sex and drugs, I like theater and tea. Trust me, we’d never date.” Except they would, they do, and neither of them plans on letting go anytime soon.

9) When Our Worlds They Fall Apart | Explicit | 42228 words

Harry put his hand over his heart as if Louis had wounded him. “You’re so harsh, my liege! Perhaps you need to relieve some tension…” He let his voice trail off suggestively.

“The day I ask YOU to relieve tension is the day I lose all my wits and join the Imperials,” Louis said. “It will never happen.”

10) Submarine From Hell | Mature | 76049 words

Louis and Harry are the first omega and alpha, respectively, to become submariners, they have to find a way to survive lethally too strong suppressants while being forced to live in confined quarters with each others. In a submarine among betas, they decide to risk their blind noses by stopping all suppressants, but eventually, they must find a way to survive their heat and ruts, all while not getting killed in combat.

11) Waiting On You | Explicit | 76576 words

“Vampires,” Louis says with disgust, glaring over at the vampire who is noisily slurping from the woman’s neck nearby.

Zayn gives the neat fang marks on Louis’ neck a meaningful look.

“Can’t live with them, can’t live without them,” Louis finishes, ignoring Zayn when he rolls his eyes.

Louis takes a long sip of his milkshake, presses his fingers against the marks on his neck, and definitely doesn’t think about the vampire who left them there.

12) The Entertainment | Explicit | 94799 words

Note: This fic is locked and can only be read by AO3 users.

For Harry's upcoming album release, his team dreams of hiring him a PA to help assist with the burden that comes with a launch. Louis Tomlinson is a highly sought-after PA who's worked with many A-listers.

13) Tainted Sights And Velvet Vices | Explicit | 126082 words

A self-fulfilling Hogwarts AU in which Louis is new to seventh year and Harry is the resident devil-may-care Slytherin set to make his entire experience a living misery. Due to less than favourable circumstances they're forced to forge an unwilling, tentative relationship for their own survival. Repressed emotions, decidedly unromantic ballroom dancing, Triwizard Tournament tasks, creative jinxes and twilight flying above the Forbidden Forest ensue.

14) Collision | Explicit | 226294 words

Mythology/Fairytale!AU in which Louis is a dainty fairy with a temper who wants to be intimidating and Harry hurts people. Naturally, they hate each other.

Check out our other fic rec lists by category here and by title here.

[reidingmelodies]

His Greatest Mistake

Pairing: Spencer Reid x gn! Reader Category: Angst with a dash of fluff Includes: Sad Spencer, brief mention of injury, implied emotional cheating Word Count: 1.4k (oops) A/N: This was requested by @ssa-m-187 based on the song Be My Mistake by The 1975!  Thank you so much for the request, this one was a challenge in the best way and I loved every second of writing it ♡

Masterlist | Ash’s 500 Bash

It was never supposed to be like this.  It was supposed to be him taking engagement photos with you, him sending save the dates with you, him sitting by your side and planning the wedding you had always imagined.

Instead, it was him clutching the picture he was so obviously absent from to his chest in the dim light of his apartment.

He knew something had happened the second he walked into the bullpen that morning.  The room was quiet, any and all previous conversation halting the moment he locked eyes with Penelope across the way.  

And he knew.  When her eyes shifted towards the floor and her breath stuttered in her throat he knew in his soul that it had to do with you.

But he never imagined this.

She dropped the picture into his hands with murmured words of comfort, leaving him with the promise that she would be in her office alongside a cup of coffee with his name on it if he needed to talk.

And as she walked away, he turned the picture over and felt his heart break into a thousand fragments with no hopes of ever being repaired.

The phrase ‘save the date!’ glared at Spencer from the top of the cardstock, but nothing compared to the feeling of ice in his veins at the sight of your smile.

It was a smile he hadn’t seen in person in 3 years, 4 months, and 12 days, but it still danced through the forefront of his brain each night he went to sleep and each morning he awoke next to his greatest mistake.

And as he sat in his apartment after a day of comforting glances laced with pity thrown at him from each direction he couldn’t help but relish on the what ifs.

What if he had loved you better?

What if he had fought harder?

What if he called you instead of her that night?

Loving you was the easiest and yet the most courageous thing he’d ever done.  With you, casual touches came quicker, tough conversations came easier, confessions of love flowed smoother.

Not like with her.

He had met you exactly 6 years, 5 months, and 18 days ago in the most cliche of ways- when he spilled his coffee on your shirt as you were reaching around him for your own drink.

Stuttered apologies somehow turned into telling stories over cups of freshly brewed coffee and before either of you knew it he was leaving the shop with your number in his phone and plans to see you again on Saturday at your favorite museum.

And then Saturday brought along the promise of more dates which turned into spending nights entangled under sheets and mornings filled with apartment hunting before finally signing the papers for a place of your own.

And for 3 years, 1 month, and 6 days it was bliss.

At least that’s what he liked to tell himself.

The bricks that had surrounded his heart were entirely non-existent when it came to you.  You held the key to the inner workings of his heart, and you would safeguard it with your life if you were asked.

And he held the key to yours too, but it turns out that only meant so much.

The majority of your relationship was simplicity in the sweetest form.  It was the feel of your favorite sweater, the smell of your favorite candle, the taste of your go to comfort beverage.

It was simple.  And yet, it was everything.

He longed for the moments a case would end and he could fall into your arms with the promise of drifting to sleep with the feel of your fingers mindlessly spelling ‘I love you’ along his back.  Time off of work was spent cuddled together on the couch, letting the sounds of whatever was playing on the television serve as the background noise for whatever silly debate the two of you had fallen into.

It was simple.  But somewhere along the way the simplicity gave way to complications.

2 years, 9 months, and 18 days into your relationship he found himself enthralled by a guest speaker at your favorite library.  You had to work late so you weren’t able to come, but at the moment he found himself grateful for that because it meant more time with her.

It meant more time to bounce theories off of her, more time to be absolutely captivated by her genius.

It also meant more time for them to trade phone numbers.

And later that night as he told you all about the speech and the amazing lecturer he had met you were ecstatic that the lecture turned out even better than he had hoped.

That ecstatic feeling probably would have dimmed if you knew about the phone number burning a hole in his pocket though.

As the weeks flew by he found himself calling her more and more.  It was never of a romantic nature, always related to one theory or another, but it was enough to draw his attention away from you.

And as the distance between you and him grew, and grew, and grew, one of you was sitting at home desperately thinking of ways to fix it while the other was making up excuses about misplaced paperwork keeping him at work while the low battery tone of his phone chimed away in his pocket.

And on the 1,132nd day the greatest love Spencer ever knew crumbled to the ground.

The case was bad.  So bad, in fact, that he found himself in a hospital bed for a few days after a close call with an unsub.

But as much as everyone told him to call you, you weren’t the one he longed to talk to.

As visiting hours ended and the team left his bedside to get some well-needed rest, he found himself glued to his phone talking to her.  

And while her voice was what he so desperately wanted to hear, he couldn’t help the pang in his gut every time he ignored one of your calls as yours was the voice he so desperately needed to hear.

On the plane ride home, he thought of all the ways he could explain the delayed homecoming to you, all the ways he could hide the wounds gracing his chest from you for the next few weeks.

But, he should’ve known someone would have told you.

He came home to your suitcases packed while you sat in the sea of luggage against the sofa you had picked out together in the blissful beginning of your relationship.

Oh, how he longed to be back there now.

He wanted you to scream, to storm out, to do anything that would lessen the guilt that maliciously tore at his soul.

But instead, you were calm, albeit heartbroken.  You explained you had a feeling something was going on, but the fact that he had gotten hurt and didn’t even tell you proved it.  You told him it was okay, that you wished him all the best, and then you left.  With a tear running down your face but your posture holding all the grace in the world.

And somehow, your calm nature in the midst of his internal storm made it even worse.

He needed to do something, anything, to get out of the apartment that was a living, breathing museum dedicated to your love.  

He should’ve chased after you.  But instead, he went to her.

And with that decision, his future was set in stone.

No matter how riveting his conversations were with her, they didn’t hold a candle to the debates he had with you.  With you, cuddles before bed were an honored tradition; with her, it was custom to stare at the wall and keep his hands to himself until he fell asleep to the thought of your smile.  

He saw you in everything.  In the bouquet she placed on the table (they were your favorite flowers), in the body wash she used (it was your least favorite scent- and because of that it was his least favorite, too), in the book she kept next to her bed (it was the book he used to read to you on nights you couldn’t sleep).

You were everywhere and nowhere all at once.

And now, as she called him to bed and he stuffed your photo in between the pages of the first book he could reach he knew without a shadow of a doubt that he had made a terrible mistake.

A mistake that he was destined to fall asleep next to that night, wishing that instead of her, it was you.  

***

Link to join my taglist ♡

Permanent Taglist: @calm-and-doctor @reidyoulikeabook @shadyladyperfection @homoose Spencer Taglist:  @averyhotchner @muffin-cup

[emjee]

MG has read...a lot of TOG fanfic this autumn: a rec list

Hey y’all, @morallygreywaren asked if I’ve done a fic rec list yet, and I think I’ve done bits and pieces but not a full list. Fortunately, I just put one together for a friend who watched the film for the first time on Sunday, so I’ve got something close at hand! I’m keeping the category divisions I used for my friend, because I like them. I’m gonna star the E rated stuff for your avoidance/exact opposite of avoidance needs. Off we go!

Joe and Nicky (historical)

Ars Poetica by superblackmarket. Actually read everything by superblackmarket, they’re amazing. (*)

The Other Matter by survivah. Sometimes I lie awake at night staring at the ceiling thinking about this fic. If you like your Joe/Nicky get-together stories with a tall glass of pining/idiots to lovers, run don’t walk.

Salt and Harvest by @hollybennett123. Joe and Nicky + bread through the ages. Literally what more could you want.

for all hearts torn by stonecarved (figure8) (@lgbtmazight on tumblr). Joe and Nicky + pilgrimage. Len is one of the greatest gifts this fandom has.

The Gold of Your Body by @azephirin. This contains the tag “Catholicism as a gateway drug to BDSM” and it is. Incredible. (*)

The Subtle Approach by survivah. The great thing about this fandom is that your Regency AU doesn’t actually need to be an AU.

The Profession of my Fingers by mellyflori (@werebearbearbar on tumblr). 5+1, Nicky’s Hands In Joe’s Curls Throughout The Centuries (*)

Joe and Nicky (modern)

My heart as green as weeds by KatStratford (@katrinastratford on tumblr). In which they have to peace out to Scandinavia for Lying Low purposes and Joe Does Not Vibe with how cold it is. It’s a huge quarantine mood. (*)

While we’re young by hyb (@h-yb on tumblr). *pinches bridge of nose* listen they are IN LOVE

Stop, listen, feel, believe by Tam_Cranver. This is my favorite fic set almost immediately post-film. Hot as hell. Emotional intelligence off the FUCKING charts. (*)

Joe and Nicky + Nile + being immortal family

Three Immortals and a Puppy Walk Into a Bar by survivah. What it says on the tin, a fucking delight

A nice story and The art of remembrance by @sixth-light. Joe, Nicky, Nile, and discussions of war crimes.

Straight up Joe/Nicky smut, you are WELCOME (these are all E)

Taking instruction by @sixth-light. feat. light dom/sub, in a really sweet way.

Literally everything @bakedapplesauce has ever written, special shoutouts to:

The present is nothing but an interruption of the past 

Hora somni

There is no “I” in “team” (but there is one in “vibrator”) 

You want some Joe/Nicky AUs? I got you

Explaining is Losing by @sixth-light. Academic nemeses to lovers. I have read this fic an EMBARASSING number of times.

Good Enough to be True by @sixth-light. Modern AU, super soft fluff/healing where Joe’s gotten out of a terrible relationship and Nicky’s the first guy he’s dated since

sine qua non by mellyflori (@werebearbearbar). Modern AU friends to lovers with all the trimmings. (*)

Extremely niche genre of Nicky Bitches About The New English Mass Translation:

third for a word and the song keeps going by Macremae

INAIED gets its own heading

If Never Again, If Every Day by @gallifreyburning and @takiki16 is the light of my Thursdays. 2021 Nicky ends up back in 1099, 1099 Nicolo ends up in 2021, we all lose our minds over the emotions that ensue. Someone once described the 1099 plot of this fic as “Yusuf: I truly hate this and I’m annoyed that killing you doesn’t work. Nicky: You want to fuck me so bad it makes you look stupid.” I think about that description every fucking day.

Book of Nile (I know one of the rules of this ship is that you have to say you hate it here and were forced to ship it against your will but LISTEN these fics are so good that I can’t bring myself to hate it here at all)

The Last Man on Earth by survivah. Five times Booker and Nile find themselves in a romance novel trope. Delicious.

son rêve d’opaline by stonecarved (figure8) (@lgbtmazight​). Sleepy. Sexy. I’m obsessed. (*)

everywhere on earth you go (you’re gonna have me)  by nondz (pinkjook). There is a swing dancing scene in this one that I lost my fucking mind over. (*)

This is by no means comprehensive, and I encourage you to check out all the fics of all the authors mentioned here. I’m having a great time reading in this fandom.

[moon-light-jukebox]

see? - [Reid x Reader] - Chapter 4

masterlist

previous chapter // series index

Summary: Spencer’s entire world has shifted, but before he can dwell on any of it, he and the rest of the team must race against the clock to find the unsubs newest victim.  

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Category: Angst (for now)

Word Count: 3.7k for Chapter 4 

Content Warning: Normal Criminal Minds stuff. Mentions of drug addiction. Angst

A/n: This chapter is the last planned one from Spencer’s POV. This is sort of another cliffhanger...but I’ll try to have chapter 5 out as soon as I can. Thank you for reading!

-- The Price We Pay --

(Spencer’s POV)

The most terrible moments in my life never happened slowly. I couldn’t be sure if that’s because of how my brain processed them or that’s just how they happened.

My hours with Tobias seemed to happen in the blink of an eye. My father all but ran out of my life. The light left Maeve’s eyes in a fraction of a second.

This was different.

I heard Hotch's question; I saw the pain ripple across his face when Garcia gave a muffled reply.

“Penelope,” he said, his voice sounding hollow. “I know you know where she is. I think she’s…she’s in danger, Penelope. Please.”

Hotch doesn't say please. Hotch doesn't beg. I knew that, of course, I knew that. I had known the man for over 10 years now.

That is why his behavior didn't make sense.

Looking back, I think this moment happened so slowly because my brain refused to process the gravity of this moment. It was trying to protect me.

Why would Hotch ask about Y/n right now? I knew Garcia must have helped her go into hiding…but why were we talking about it now?

Despite my brain lagging, my body knew something was wrong. My lungs seized. I heard Rossi say something. His voice was coming from the right…but I couldn't hear him. It's like I was underwater; everything was muffled.

My body was going into shock, but I couldn’t understand why.

“Reid. Reid.” I felt a hand on my shoulder, gripping tightly, trying to anchor me to the moment. “Spencer, come on, kid. Focus.”

He never calls me Spencer, I thought, turning my head to the left to meet the wide brown eyes of my friend. “Derek? What…You’re still driving back.”

“We were a block away.” He turned me more towards him, his left hand coming up to grip the back of my neck, applying just enough pressure to make me focus. “I know this is hard, Kid. But we need you.”

Realistically it had only been minutes since Hotch picked up his phone, but it had felt like hours. And everyone in this room had already pieced together a puzzle I was still struggling to see.

I blinked. Then I blinked again. “Y/n doesn’t have a family." When I turned my gaze to Hotch, I saw my unit chief, my boss, my friend tense for a second before he lifted his head, meeting my gaze head-on. "You…You created the Nightingale system after Haley died. It's emergency family relocation. She's…she wasn't close enough with any of her family to use it."

All of the pieces of the puzzle were there, right there in front of me, but I couldn't snap them together.

Hotch didn't say anything for a moment; he just looked at me. Then he lowered the phone from his ear, clicking a button before the sound of clicking keys filled the room. "You're on speaker, Garcia."

"Sir?" she questioned, her voice nasally and thick with congestion. But even though that, just that one word was dripping with sadness and unease.

"You need to hurry, Penelope. We think the unsub may already have her."

She gave a choked sob before the clicking of her computer keys got faster.

But this doesn’t make sense. “The unsub only takes pregnant women,” I rasped. “He’s…he’s after…but he’s not after any pregnant women…he’s after…”

My mind seemed to wake up with that thought, adrenaline finally running through my system and becoming useful.

Pregnancy, on average, lasts for 280 days. Our unsub wanted heavily pregnant women…he wanted women that were about to go into labor.

Images of the night I was outside her apartment flashed in my mind. The only night I had ever had with her…279 days ago.

The thought of her being with someone else pained me, but I grasped onto the idea with both hands, holding on tightly.

“She’s not…she doesn’t fit the victimology. She….she wouldn't be far enough along. Not unless…" My words hung in the air, my tongue-tied in my mouth, refusing to finish them.

Because if the unsub had her…she would have been pregnant when she left.

My world was slowly shifting into focus at the same moment I felt JJ’s hand on my upper arm.

“Spence,” JJ whispered.

“Did you know?” I choked out. “Did all of you know?”

Morgan clicked his tongue against his teeth before he shook his head. “Nah, kid. I didn’t know.”

But my eyes weren't on either of the people at my sides; my eyes were across the room. My eyes were locked on the man I had always trusted with my life. The man who was the best father I had ever known.

“No one knew besides Garcia and myself,” he said firmly. “I ordered her not to tell anyone else. If you have any issues, you can take them up with me.”

“If I have any issues?” I hissed, my teeth snapping together. It wasn’t until I felt wetness on my cheeks that I realized I was crying. “You…She’s pregnant.”

All of the tension seemed to leave his face, leaving him looking as battered as I felt. “We’ll do this later, Spencer.”

He never called me Spencer. “Is…is the baby…mine?” I had to ask, but everyone in the room already knew.

The man I thought was my friend nodded. “Yes.”

“Hotch!” JJ shrieked. “What were you thinking?! What was Y/n thinking?!”

Any emotion in his eyes hardened at her tone, his shoulders squared. The familiar coldness I saw when he faced down monsters and madmen took over his face. He didn’t look like my friend, like the man I had always admired. He wasn’t Hotch, he wasn’t Aaron; he was Supervisory Special Agent Aaron Hotchner. And he was giving that look…to me.

“I did this because she asked me to. She showed up at my house in the middle of the fucking night because of a fight she had with you. She was…She is like family to me, and she was terrified. Because she went to tell the man she loved that she was pregnant, and he was cruel to her. He said he wished she was dead."

I didn’t flinch under his words; I knew what I had done.

“How could she trust you after that? She didn’t even know you had a problem, Reid.”

My addiction was always the elephant in the room. It didn't matter that I had struggled with it for the better part of 10 years; the team still refused to speak about it out loud.

Until now.

“You should have told me,” was all I could say.

Hotch didn’t budge. “You should have been a man worth telling.”

I flinched then; it was like he shot me. I think it would have hurt less if he had shot me.

Rossi stepped forward, placing a hand on our unit chief’s shoulder. “We don’t have time for this. If he does have our girl, we have to find her. We have to find…them.”

“Garcia,” Hotch barked out.

"I've got it! Her address is 20 Royal Oak Road. But I don't know if she'll be there. I hacked into her computer, and she had…she had a doctor's appointment scheduled for tonight."

I wanted to ask why she would have a doctors’ appointment scheduled for tonight…but I knew why. “Who is her doctor?”

“Reid,” she whispered. “I’m so sorry-“

“Who is her doctor, Garcia?”

“His name is Dr. Johnson. He’s affiliated with St. Mercy’s hospital.”

Hotch grabbed his jacket, already heading for the door. “Rossi, you and Kate go to the abduction site. See if they have any sort of surveillance, witnesses. Anything. JJ, you’re with me at her home. Morgan, I need you to get to the hospital. Spencer-“  

I didn’t hear what he told me. I was already out the door.

--

I had climbed into Morgan’s SUV without thought, settling in my seat a moment before he jumped behind the wheel.

My friend didn’t say anything while we made the 5-minute drive to St. Mercy’s hospital. He said nothing while we both ran inside the hospital’s entrance. The first time he spoke was to the nursing staff, flashing his badge and asking them to pull Dr. Johnson away from whatever patient he was with.

I’m not sure what Derek said, I’m not sure how he was able to convey to them how urgent the matter was, but the doctor was in front of us moments later. He was an older man with thinning white hair and tanned weathered skin.

“Sir, I’m SSA Derek Morgan, this is Dr. Spencer Reid. We’re with the FBI, and we’d like to ask you a few questions about one of your patients.”

“I’m afraid I can’t talk about any of my patients without-“

“I understand that sir, but these are extenuating circumstances. We believe she may be in danger. You heard about the murder in Eugene yesterday?”

All color drained from the man’s face. “You think the person who did that has one of my patients?”

“Yes, we do,” Derek said firmly. He was always so good at this part. He could talk his way into everything. I couldn’t help but wonder what that must be like. “She’s very heavily pregnant, possibly…possibly with a boy.”

“I have several patients that are in their last trimester but…” he trailed off, shifting uncomfortably.

“We have reason to believe that Y/n Y/l/n might be in danger. Her records indicate she had an appointment here with you tonight.”

Dr. Johnson frowned. “I don’t have a patient by that name. I…” he trailed off, his gaze shifting over to me. “I have a Y/n Reid.”

Ever since my confrontation with Hotch, I had been existing in a detached state. Maybe it was my mind’s way of keeping me safe. But hearing her name… “She goes by Reid?” The corners of my lips twitched involuntarily despite the pain radiating from my chest. Of course, she did. It would be the last name I would ever look for.

“I’m afraid I really can’t give out any more information –“

“How far along is she?” I interrupted.

“I’m sorry, I can’t-“

Every single bit of calm and control I had inside of me seem to snap all at once. I took a step forward, my hands balled into fists at my sides. “Listen,” I seethed, my voice like iron. “Not only am I a federal agent, but I am also the fucking father. I want to know when she’s due!”

Dr. Johnson was quite a bit shorter than I was; and while I had never felt like a particularly intimidating person, he seemed to shrink back under my focus. "She's…she's set to be induced tomorrow morning. I have my patients come in the night before. I wanted…I wanted her to be induced earlier but…" He adjusted the glasses on his nose. "She's just so stubborn. She thought she'd go into labor on her own. But I can’t let her go over 42 weeks. She’ll be 41 weeks and 6 days tomorrow. But she never checked in for the appointment.”

“Son of a bitch,” Morgan breathed, pulling his phone out of his pocket and typing rapidly.

“Do…do you know the sex of the baby?” I asked, still trying to hold on to a hope that we were wrong; somehow, despite all of the evidence, we had all been so wrong about this.

“I do. She…Ms. Reid doesn’t know. She wanted it to be a surprise.” He looked uncomfortable for a moment. “Do you…do you want to know?”

“NO, he doesn’t.” I turned to look at Morgan, my eyes struggling to focus. “You’ll find out in the delivery room, kid. We’re going to find her. We’re going to find them.”

It seemed like a ridiculous thing to stress, but it brought me some small sort of comfort while my friend led me out of the hospital to the SUV.

--

Morgan had called Hotch to confirm what we all already knew. Y/n had disappeared to Bend, Oregon, and she was in the final days of her pregnancy. Rossi and Kate found a car registered to Y/n Reid abandoned in a grocery store parking lot. There was an infant car seat and two bags in the back seat. One bag contained baby items…the other were the sorts of things a mother might need in the hospital.

We were all to meet Hotch and JJ at Y/n's apartment, and Hotch had asked that I come along in the hopes that I would see something everyone else had missed.

Because I had known her better than anyone.

“Kid,” Morgan said softly, breaking the silence inside the car. “We’ll find her…we’ll find them.”

I found myself nodding in agreement automatically. It felt like the right sort of reaction to have. My friend was worried about me, and sometimes you just do things because it’s better for the other person.

I couldn’t help but wonder if that’s how Y/n felt that night. The night she left.

"Her phone is still on," I found myself saying. Morgan didn't respond, but I saw him glance over at me out of the corner of his eye. "The same phone she had before she left. I don't know why she never disconnected it. Sometimes…" I broke off, emotion suddenly clogging my throat, threatening to strangle me. "Sometimes, I call it just to hear her voice. I know she won't pick up. But the…the message is still her voice. I always leave a message. I don't know if she ever checks them. But I always leave one…just…just in case." My hand came up to wipe angrily at my cheeks, embarrassed both by my confession and the emotions I couldn't seem to hold in.

“She’ll hear the messages, Reid.”

I gave him another automatic nod.

It turns out Y/n didn’t live too far from the police station. Her home was in an apartment complex on the south end of town, on the third floor. I couldn’t the number of steps from the elevator to her blue front door. Twenty-three.

The instant I stepped inside, it felt wrong; everything felt wrong. The living room was basic and utilitarian. Impersonal. Nothing like Y/n. She was the sort of person who always felt like home.

This didn’t feel like anybody’s home.

I followed Morgan through the house, taking note of how clean and orderly everything was. Y/n had never been messy, but her apartment at home was filled to the brim with objects and things that made her smile.

"There are no pictures on the walls, nothing personal,” Morgan noted, giving voice to my own thoughts. “Hotch?” he called.

“We’re in here,” his voice replied, leading us down a small hallway.

On the right side of the hallway, there was another door that had been thrown open, and we found the other member of my team standing inside.

The room was painted a pale grey with white curtains hanging across the only window. There was a small, darker grey crib against the biggest wall and a rocking chair in the corner.

Something about the sight of that rocking chair was a punch to the stomach because I could see her in it so clearly. Her eyes soft while she moved the chair back and forth, holding a tiny bundle in her arms.

How long had I wanted to be a father? How many times had I dreamed of starting a family with Y/n…only to lose it all now?

“Spence,” JJ said, stepping towards me.

I couldn't look at her; I ignored her because I couldn’t do anything else. “The doctor said she didn’t know the gender of the baby. But I don’t think she would have painted the room pink or blue. She was never that sort of person.”

My eyes ran over the rest of the room. There was a small chest of drawers against another wall with some sort of platform on top of it. A changing table, I thought absentmindedly. There were pictures of stars hung on the walls, small boxes of diapers stacked neatly in the closet.

By the time I made my way over to the rocking chair, I could barely see anything. My torture by Tobias had cost me so much already; my addiction had robbed so much from me. But now I was standing in my child's nursery, and I was having trouble remembering any pain that had ever felt worse than this.

There was a small table beside the chair with a small lamp placed in the middle, but my eyes were fixed on the book pearched on the edge of the table. My fingers wrapped around the spine of the book, lifting it with shaking hands. The cover was white with a tiny bunny rabbit on the corner.  

“Kid,” I heard Morgan say softly from behind me.

I couldn’t stop myself from flipping open the book, even though I knew it would bring me nothing but pain.

'The Story of You' was written on the first page in swirling script, right above a sonogram picture. My eyes moved over the outline of a face that I knew I would love for the rest of my life,;my fingers moved over the glossy paper, tracing the outline of my child's features.

A strangled sound left my throat when I read the words underneath the photo, my eyes squeezing tight.

“Spencer?” Rossi asked, coming up to my side. “What is it?”

I couldn’t open my eyes, but I tried to clear my throat, willing myself to speak. “The doctor said she didn’t know the baby’s sex…but…but I think she did anyway.”

Because underneath the photo, I saw her familiar handwriting.

Knowing the name of a child that wasn't even born yet wouldn't help me find her; it wasn't relevant to the case, but I couldn't move past it.

“Isaac Benjamin Reid.”

I couldn’t be sure how long the silence lasted before Rossi asked if that name had any significance to y/n.

“No, I don’t think so,” I said softly. “It’s…it has significance to me. Isaac Asimov is my father’s favorite author. I hadn’t read any of his works since my dad left…but one day on the jet, Y/n got me talking about it. The next day I found a copy of I, Robot on my desk at work. She didn’t say anything, but I knew it was her.”

It was always her.

“And Benjamin?” Hotch prodded.  

I let out a heavy exhale. “Ben Walker is my NA sponsor. He has been for over 8 years.” It wasn’t lost on me that none of my team knew about Ben. I never talked about that part of my life; I hadn’t even told Y/n he was my sponsor. I had no idea how she knew about him, but there was no doubt in my mind that’s why she’s selected this name.

“This doesn’t make sense,” JJ muttered, causing me to finally look up at her. “I’m sorry, but none of this makes sense. You said that she didn’t know the baby’s sex.”

"That's what the doctor said," I clarified before closing the book softly. "I guess she just had a feeling."

My friend nodded. “Of course. But how did the unsub know? Garcia has been digging for over an hour. Y/n was…she was hiding, Reid. She worked from home. She doesn’t have a social media presence. Garcia can’t even find any indication that she has friends.”

“So, how did the unsub find her?” Hotch finished. “How did the unsub know she existed? Let alone that she was pregnant with a boy.”

Kate stepped into the room, her eyes moving over everything. "Alright. We need to revisit each victim. Then we need to determine if he came here for y/n or if he just found her. If she's over 40 weeks, I'm sure it's obvious that she's pregnant."

JJ moved to the window and pulled back the curtains, her eyes moving over the street. “But how did he know it was a boy? How did he know any of the victims were pregnant with boys?”

The ringing of Hotch’s phone cut through the air. “Go ahead, Garcia.”

“Sir, I’ve been trying to hack not the security systems of the buildings around the supermarket. I’m not sure what I’m looking for, but I’m trying to find any vehicle that seems evil.”

“Did you find anything?”

"Kevin and I have been running license plates against the state of Oregon's DMV. There's a bank two blocks away from the grocery store. Their security footage captured a black sedan driving by about 15 minutes after Y/n's debit card was used at the grocery store."

Rossi spoke next. “Is there any reason to suspect that car?”

“The plates belong to a different car, a red Volvo. It’s not much, but it’s all I’ve got.”

Hotch nodded. “It’s our best lead. Can you track the car through traffic cameras?”

“Doing it now, sir.”

We all started moving towards the door before Hotch gave another order. "Send us the most recent locations, then every single location afterward as soon as you get it. We'll split up and try to canvas the area. Y/n could go into labor at any moment. He couldn't have gone far."

Hotch didn't bother telling me to stay behind this time, but I felt his eyes on me when I got into one of the SUVs. Maybe it was guilt, maybe it was his knowledge that I wouldn't listen to him anyway.

It didn’t matter.

Morgan set off at a breakneck speed, his door barely closing before we started moving. His posture was tense, and his eyes were moving over the landscape rapidly.

“She’s gonna be okay, Spencer.”

I let out a bitter laugh. “You don’t know that Derek.”

“Yes, I do,” he said firmly. “She’s not just a pregnant woman. She’s a profiler. She’s one of the best profilers I’ve ever seen. I don’t know how this son of a bitch found her, but Garcia created her background. There is no fucking way he knew who she is. He doesn’t know he took an FBI agent.”

The thought should have brought me comfort, but it didn't. It just tore an even bigger hole in my chest. Y/n had left because of me. She had gone into hiding because she was afraid of me. She had a new identity that had potentially made her vulnerable…made my son vulnerable because of me.

Morgan was right; we had to find her.

Because I didn’t think I would be able to survive her paying for my mistakes.

------

Permeant Taglist : @rachelxwayne @pinkdiamond1016 @sickeninglyshoujo @justagirllookingforherplace @nanocoool @andiebeaword @imjusthereformggcontent @rainsong01 @violentvulgarvolatile @mys2425 @al3xmnd @imfalling-inlove @cielo1984 @shadyladyperfection @kissingvalentino @goofygubler14 @levylovegood @diesinspanishbcimhispanic @criminalmindzjunkie @addie5264 @hopefulfangirl24 @vellichor01 @ellegreenawayapologist @mcntsee @eevee0722 @peacedolantwins2 @ashwarren32 @goldencherrymooon @pumpkin-reads @mood---board @gublersbooblers @lesbian-emilyprentiss @badkittybang @quxxnxfhxll @jessayln-jpeg

All Spencer Reid: @mediocre-writer @haihappen5 @harrystylesdoesntknowiexist @hatemyselfbutitsokay

See? Series taglist: @bluegoopplaidsalad @notasofti​ @bisoner @haylaansmi @ameliamonster @amirahroronoa @gredvb @riley-the-pan-nonbinary​ @solangeltorres @gwendolyn02​ @sallyjacksontheweirdauthor @fangirl-nonsense @immahotmess​ @falcon-arrows​ @obsessivereaderchick​ @flor-sin-petalo​ @rexorangecouny​ @keomoon​ @hermanthewormman @sakurashortstack​ @criminallminds​ @boiled-onionrings​ @sierraraeck​ @t0xicllama​ @thequeerishere555 @lexiessimagination @blameitonthenight21​ @abbyg217​ @lil-roaster​ @wooya1224​ @faesyl​ @tessa-laurel​ @little-blue-fishie​ @fandomyfangirl​ @youaremyfiveever​ @evelyncade @sunshine-ncs​ @maikanna​  @wishiwasabook @swiftingday​ @thelastfirerbender​ @alligatorrampage​ @notebookgirl30 @forever-a-cynical​ @alligatorrampage​ @samayoshito​ @readandreid​ @mvlanchqly​ @odetobeetlebum​ @notebookgirl30​ @meowiemari​ @calm-and-doctor @overthelame-bow @virtualpeanutartisanjudge​ @unabashedlyswimmingtimemachine​ @spencersblog​ @justanothetfangirl​ @jhillio​ @peculiarinsomniac​ @spencer-blake-supremacy​ @adoregin​ @forever-a-cynical​ @supersouthy​ @smile-child-13​ @angiieguevara​ @we-are-dreamers42​

let me know if you’d like to be added to any of my tag lists. 

[yeonban]

💕 fei + shal

Send “💕” and I will see what our characters’ relationship is ranked as.

bold all that apply to your characters’ relationship. whichever category has the most bolded is their current relationship (approximately).

strangers (0 of 5)

I don’t know you personally or at all. I would not recognize you on the street. I do not know your name. i would not recognize if you were brought up in conversation. you have no importance in my life.

acquaintances (5 of 9)

i know your name. I recognize your face. i think i understand your personality on a surface level. i’d like to get to know you more. i think we could be good friends. we have a lot of similar interests. people say we’re a lot alike. we don’t ask one another for favors often. i would not be able to tell someone if you have allergies.

friends (9-11 of 11)

we get along well. we have fun together. i like hanging out with you. you’re someone i can send memes to. i feel comfortable around you. i know some of your interests. i’m a little more open with you than other people. i keep some secrets to myself. sometimes i’m not sure what i can open up to you about. i usually buy steal you something minor for holidays. i like when we can go out and do something together.

best friends (10-11 of 13)

i could tell you anything. i call you if there’s a problem. we probably text too much. we have a great time together. we’ve got through some bad times. i can be myself around you. we have inside jokes for days. i send you songs that remind me of us. we have a lot of memories together. i can open up to you. i worry when you’re in a bad situation. i’d kick someone’s booty for you. i take insults against you personally.

crushes (6 of 13)

you make my heart race. i can’t stop thinking about you. i worry i text back too quickly. every touch is a sign. sometimes i wonder what kind of person is your type. i send you songs that remind me of you. i keep dropping hints about how i feel. you make me emotional. i want to tell you how i feel. i like when you let me stay over. i think i’d be happy so long as you’re happy. seeing you with other people makes me jealous. i can’t tell if this is a date or we’re just hanging out solo.

sister/brotherly (4-5 of 15)

you drive me crazy. we’re on the same level. you take over all my hobbies. you nag me too much. i’d die for you. we jinx a lot. we have inside games. we play too many pranks. sometimes our fights can get a little intense. i feel relaxed around you. i can be myself around you. we take care of each other. you steal my food right from my plate. i steal your food straight from your plate. if one of us is sick, we both are.

dating & early love (6 of 13)

you make me happy. we have (almost) everything in common. you are always on my mind. i can’t get enough of you. we sleep on top of each other, not next to each other. we buy everything in pairs. talking about you is like word vomit. people seem a little annoyed at how in love we are. our relationship should have books written about it. we’re always making memories. i can’t wait to do all our ‘firsts’ together. sometimes i get cold feet. i hope we’ll be together forever.

mature love (6-9 of 18)

you take all the blankets. you ate the last of MY snack. we could get into tiffs but work it out. i can be honest with you. you know everything about me. we can be a little naggy towards each other. i feel safe around you. you are always on my mind. everything i do is for us. ‘we’ seems to suit us best. people say we fight like a married couple. we are married. we have children together. we reminisce while making memories. i’d die for you. i can’t imagine my life without you. i love you for your flaws. i’ll love you forever.

toxic love (0 of 15)

i’ll do anything you tell me to do. it doesn’t matter so long as you’re happy. i don’t care so long as it makes me happy. i’m only in this relationship to get something. you only want to be with me to get something. i can’t trust you. i don’t feel comfortable around you. talking to you feels like walking on egg shells. i never know what is okay. you apologize with gifts. i apologize with gifts. you say i’m everything to you. i don’t talk to anyone else anymore. we get into physical fights. the cops have been called before.

exes (1 of 12)

i miss what we had. we used to be good friends. my memories feel tainted now. i think about texting you a lot. i wonder how you’ve been. i don’t like the idea of you getting with other people. i’m already seeing other people. we have a child together. we’re legally separated. we broke up. my family wants us to get back together. i put you on blast with all my friends.

enemies (0 of 11)

i hate you. you make my skin crawl. you are my antonym. seeing you makes my blood boil. i know you’re no good. you thwart my every move. i know your trying to hurt me. i know you’re talking shit about me. i’ve never felt this way about anyone else. i could kill you. i will kill you.

result:  close friends with a rapidly developing case of The Feelings

[theasstour]

𝐅𝐈𝐂 𝐏𝐀𝐆𝐄 | 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐓: 𝟐𝟔.𝟑𝐤 𝐍𝐁: 𝐚𝐥𝐜𝐨𝐡𝐨𝐥, 𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲 𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐞, 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐥𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐭 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐚𝐠𝐞, 𝐬𝐞𝐱𝐮𝐚𝐥 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭

A/N: As you’re all aware, the Philippines was hit by a category 5-equivalent super typhoon two weeks ago. The typhoon is the world’s strongest storm this year and has brought with it unimaginable destruction. Here’s a link to #RescuePH where you can read more about what’s happening in the Philippines right now. There are also donation links there! If you don’t have the means to donate – which is very understandable - here’s a link to a video to watch on YouTube where all ad revenue goes to those affected by the typhoon! I have learned so much about Filipino culture these last few months writing ST as well as gotten to know some incredible Filipinos along the way, and the news of the typhoon has rocked me to my core. If you feel like, you can play the video in the background while you’re reading this massive chapter! Enjoy the final chapter 🧡💛 I love you all so much!

Sunday, 9 August

“It’s a beautiful day out,” Y/N’s mother said as she looked out over Porthminster Beach, leaning her head back a little and letting a salty breeze rustle up her grey hair. “Shame we’re spending it in the shade.”

Y/N glanced up at the roof overhead that offered rescue in the sweltering summer sun. Though she loved the sun as well and wanted to spend as much time in it as possible before summer ended soon, she knew that this chat would have her sweating enough without them sitting out of the shade the Porthminster Beach Café provided. Y/N looked down at her iced lemon tea, inhaling slowly as to calm herself. All day yesterday, Y/N had been too anxious to do anything but stay in her room and think about today. While in the lighthouse the day before yesterday, Y/N had sent her mother a text message asking if the two of them could talk without her father or Dominic being present. She knew her mother would’ve told them by now where she was and what she was doing, but she appreciated the fact that she had listened to Y/N’s request and not brought them.

“Didn’t get to go to a proper beach this summer,” Mrs McKay went on, eyes on the sea and where the waves crashed softly against shore. “The family could’ve gone someplace nice, would’ve been good for us.”

Y/N didn’t say anything.

“Think we all just need a break. Go somewhere to forget about everything and reflect on our lives.”

Y/N still kept her mouth shut, knowing that she had to choose her words carefully so that her mother would fully understand.

“Do you remember when we went to that beach in Florida and you saw that sting ray?” Mrs McKay chuckled a little to herself.

“And I screamed for help ‘cause it scared me.”

Mrs McKay laughed some more at the memory, studying the beach some more. “That was truly something else. Not something you’d normally do.”

Y/N didn’t know what to say to that.

“Don’t you miss those days? When everything was simple?” Mrs McKay seemed to be completely lost in her own head and memories, thinking back to a time she had clearly glorified.

“I don’t…” Y/N trailed off, furrowing her brows. “I don’t think everything was that simple back then, or now, for that matter.”

“What do you mean?” Mrs McKay asked. “Don’t you think the family would benefit from taking some time off and just relax like we did back then?”

“It’s…” Y/N glanced at her iced tea. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know if it would’ve been a good idea for the family to reconnect again?”

“I don’t know.”

“How can you not? We need to talk about everything that’s happened these past few months. And especially what happened two days ago, because your father and I agree, Y/N, that was very irresponsible of you, throwing yourself out of a moving vehicle like that.”

“I know it was, I’m aware,” she said. “But in that moment, and I think you know this deep down, that was the only solution. You wouldn’t have stopped to let me out.”

Mrs McKay sighed. “We should definitely think about that holiday I just suggested, it’d be nice.”

Y/N bit her bottom lip, studying her mother for a moment before she spoke for the first time in a few minutes. “I don’t… I don’t think it would be, Mum.”

“What do you mean?”

“It wouldn be nice to go on that holiday.”

Mrs McKay finally looked at her daughter, eyes following her outline slowly with a slight tilt to her head as if she was trying to assess what was best to say in this sort of situation. “The beach is always nice.”

“I wasn’t referring to the beach. I was referring to family time.”

Mrs McKay nodded her head slowly, bringing her glass of water up to her lips to take a slow sip.

“I think… I’ve wanted to talk to you about this for a while now. I think you’ve known it would happen as well.”

Her mother didn’t answer.

“I just… I just want to talk about everything and what’s gonna happen going forward. I don’t want there to be anything left unsaid after this.”

Mrs McKay kept her eyes on the table and nodded again. “Alright. What did you want to talk about?”

“Well… a lot, really.”

“Better start then.”

Y/N swallowed thickly, taking a quick sip of her iced tea before she turned her attention back on her mother, reaching for the ball of courage she had gathered from thinking about and getting ready for this the past two days. “I think ever since I was born, you’ve put pressure on me to live the kind of life you couldn’t when you were younger. When you got me, you saw possibility to make something right that you yourself hadn’t been able to.-”

“-That’s not true.”

“Let me finish. I think, until you got me, you were lonely. Dad wasn’t exactly a fucking dream-“

“-Watch your language.-“

“-And you didn’t really have any friends, so the second I was born, you finally had someone. You could do whatever you wanted with me. Or at least, that’s what you thought,” Y/N said. “You projected this image onto me of what you thought the perfect daughter, the perfect woman, would be, and ‘cause I was terrified of letting you and Dad down, I went along.”

“You’d never do that.”

“But I have. And I will.”

Mrs McKay furrowed her brows, but before she was able to say anything else – though she’d talk over people if she so had to, Y/N knew.

“I’ve been so conflicted, mum.” Y/N heard her own voice break, and it wasn’t till then that she realised that she was close to tears. The lines between Mrs McKay’s brows deepened at the sound. “Part of me hates you.”

Mrs McKay’s face fell at that.

“It hates you so much. It hates you for the days you told me you noticed I’d lost weight and how beautiful I now looked, it hates you for never being interested to listen to me talk about what I’m passionate about, it hates you for belittling said passions and making me feel stupid for having ambitions.”

“Y/N-“

“-It hates you for making me feel conflicted when I first followed my dreams, ‘cause I didn’t know if I was supposed to follow my own or the ones you’d laid out for me just to please you momentarily. Hates you for the trauma you caused me. For the countless hours spent in front of a mirror pointing out my flaws, and taking a really long time to realise that said flaws aren’t that. For hearing your voice in my head when I make a mistake, telling me how I should’ve known better.”

Now it was Mrs McKay’s turn to be stunned to silence, just watching Y/N with a steel face, refusing to show any sign of emotion.

“But…” Y/N dug her nails into her palms, telling herself that she could cry when she got back to the Inn, but not now. “But the other part of me, one that I hate most of all, still loves you.”

Mrs McKay’s lip was a thin line and Y/N recognised that face. That face appeared when her mother was unsure of how to feel about something, but by the looks of the slight tremor in her cheeks, Y/N knew her words had gotten through.

Y/N sobbed, hoping no one around them could hear and that no one she knew were around to witness this. “It loves you ‘cause you’re my mum. You brought me into this world, and you’ve stuck by me. You made me feel loved when I was younger, and I used to look up to you. You used to be my role model.”

Mrs McKay looked away.

“That part makes me feel so horrible, ‘cause how can you love someone who brought you so much self-loathing and misery? How is that possible?” Y/N was quick to wipe away the tear on her cheek. “But I do. I can’t erase that or you from my memory. Part of me is going to miss you after this.”

Mrs McKay met Y/N’s eyes. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t want you to contact me again. None of you. Not you, not Dad, not Dominic.”

Mrs McKay looked absolutely dumbfounded. “I beg your pardon?”

“You three brought me so much torment I don’t want you in my life anymore.”

“Y/N, you’re being ridiculous-“

“-If you want to contact me or meet me, you have to ask me via text message if I am okay with that. If I say yes, that only makes it a one-time thing, we are not going to stay in contact after it. If I say no, don’t try to persuade me, manipulate me, or make me feel bad about it. I’m pushing you out of my life for a reason.”

“Try to think rationally for once-“

“-If you do not respect this and come after me again, I’ll file a restraining order against you, Dad, and Dominic. Won’t look too good on Dad’s record now, will it?”

Mrs McKay just sat there staring again.

“Do you understand what I’m saying?”

Mrs McKay didn’t react.

“Do you?”

“Yes.”

Y/N nodded then, picking up her iced tea and hoping her mum didn’t see how her hand was trembling slightly.

“You don’t want any contact with your family? The people who are supposed to love you unconditionally-“

“-You might love me, but it’s not in a way that’ll help me grow. Which is what love is all about. St Ives and the people I’ve met here, those are my family. This is home now.”

Mrs McKay took a few moments to think before she said, with a voice so ice cold it made Y/N’s hair stand on end, “You can’t choose your family. You’re put into this world- you’re placed somewhere, where you belong.”

“No. Family and belonging are not synonymous. You are my birth family, but I can choose who I consider to be in my closest circle, the people that mean the most to me,” Y/N said. “You are not that.”

A short silence stretched out between them before Mrs McKay said, “What about your father’s business? The one he inherited from his father, your grandfather.”

“What about it?” Y/N asked. “You never even bothered to tell me what it is.”

“Oh, it’s got something to do with electronic pins. You know those you have in your phone?”

Y/N just looked at her mother.

“I’ve never bothered to ask much, Y/N, it hasn’t ever been very interesting to me.”

“Maybe it would’ve been to me if you’d just let me in on it from the start instead of assuming I was too dim to take on the role as CEO.”

Mrs McKay’s eyes narrowed as if she was about to protest, but she must’ve realised her daughter was speaking the truth because she did not object.

“Can’t Dad just let someone else be CEO? Someone who is actually good at their job instead of giving the job away to Dominic?”

“Dom is qualified for the role.”

“Sure, but he’s also a fucking arsehole.”

Mrs McKay winced at Y/N’s words.

“Mum, you never even wanted me to know what Dad was doing. Let alone want me to take over for him. It’s never been a problem before that I won’t take over after him, dunno why it would be now.”

Mrs McKay just looked at Y/N, their conversation on replay in her head it seemed because she was conflicted. For the longest time, they just stared at one another and realised what this meant. Y/N had been ready for this conversation for a while now, even though she hadn’t realised how badly it needed to be had till this very second. Mrs McKay, nor the other two that had come here, had truly known how Y/N felt before last night. What Y/N had said along with her actions must have spoken volumes. But this, Y/N was aware, took the cake. She was telling her mother, a person who had given up next to everything for Y/N in a sense, to never contact her again unless she had to. It had to sting, and Y/N knew that she would miss her mother sometimes. Those moments when they’d laugh at something together or those early years where Y/N remembered idolising her mum. She’d miss that. But she would also be so much happier without her in her life.

“Well,” Mrs McKay said, voice trembling. “I should be heading back to your dad. He won’t be too happy about the news.”

“Mum, you can leave him.”

The pitiful smile that graced Mrs McKay’s face after that made Y/N cringe. “I won’t.”

Y/N nodded, watching as her mother got up from her seat. She did as well, giving her mother a small smile to offer some peace, to tell her that it would all be okay. At least in Y/N’s world. Y/N could tell that her mother hesitated at first, but once she stepped forward with her arms spread wide, Y/N walked straight into her embrace. They hugged each other tighter than they had ever hugged before, savouring this last, this peaceful moment that they had together.

“Goodbye, Y/N,” her mum said, rubbing her daughter’s back.

“Bye, Mum.”

They stepped away from one another and her mother smiled at her again. Y/N swore she could see tears welling up in her mother’s eyes, but she chose not to point it out, fully aware that she was about to cry herself. Mrs McKay drank the rest of her water, looked one last time into Y/N’s eyes, and then walked past her, down the stairs, and out of sight.

Monday, 10 August

The teapot was empty and all the biscuits were gone, meaning that Florence, Camila, and Barb were leaving The Roaming Crab Inn. The five of them had been knitting for hours now, and though Y/N had finished her project a while ago, she wanted to spend some more time with the knitting ladies before doing what she had to do. Florence folded the jumper she was working on and Barb hummed some sort of melody while Camila talked everyone’s ears off.

“I’m telling you,” Camila said, putting away her glasses. “The sleeves on this dress are way too big.”

“No, they’re not.” Bessie got up from her seat and walked over to Camila, taking the baby doll lemon dress out of Camila’s hands. Lowering her glasses onto the tip of her nose, she took a closer look. “How many were you supposed to cast off?”

“Three.”

“But then this is correct, isn’t it?”

“I suppose,” Camila sighed, taking hold of the dress when Bessie gave it back to her.

“Besides, your granddaughter won’t notice if you did the sleeves wrong.”

Camila looked right up at Bessie with narrowed eyes. “So, you admit I made a mistake?”

“No, I just pointed out that if you did, your granddaughter would hardly see it.” Bessie turned back around to go sit down in her chair, meeting Y/N’s eyes and making a grimace as to say that whatever Camila had just knitted, couldn’t have been correct. She sat back down again as Y/N gathered all the cups and the biscuit tray, carrying it all back inside to the kitchen where she put it in the dishwasher.

“Bye, darling,” Barb smiled as she walked past the kitchen. “Your cardigan’s looking wonderful.”

“Thank you, Barbara. See ya,” Y/N smiled, walking upstairs to put on her green woollen jumper. It was getting rather cold out as evening approached, and though Y/N had just finished knitting her summer project, it wasn’t hers to wear. Looking out the window, she saw the glass with a bouquet of dead flowers still standing in her windowsill. She didn’t have the heart to throw it away since doing so would be like binning the last piece of this summer she still had left. Forcing herself to look away, Y/N blinked away the stinging in her eyes as she started walking back down the stairs and the back garden.

All the other ladies had gone, meaning that it was just Y/N and Bessie left. Bessie still sat knitting, smiling at Y/N as she stepped outside.

“Want me to make another brew?” Y/N asked, adjusting her white summer dress under her oversized jumper.

“No, me lover, that’s quite alright. Thank you, though.”

Y/N smiled, sitting back down in her seat and picking up the cardigan. She was picking at some threads that were poking out, some of the many flaws in her first ever knitting project, when Bessie put her vest down and glanced over at her. Y/N looked back at her, raising her eyebrows ever so slightly.

“Is something the matter?” Y/N asked.

“You tell me.”

Y/N huffed, looking back down at her cardigan. “Depends what you’re referring to, I guess.”

Bessie sighed a bit, putting the vest on the table before them. “You haven’t spoken about that chat you had with your mum yesterday.”

Y/N inhaled slowly. “It was a lot to process.”

“We got time.”

Looking up at the older woman again, Y/N was greeted with one of Bessie’s signature warm smiles.

“I told her that I don’t want her, Dad, or Dominic to ever contact me again. She got a bit defensive, but she agreed not to contact me unless necessary.”

Bessie nodded her head slowly. “Do you think she’ll keep that promise?”

“She will, I’m less certain about Dad and Dom.”

Bessie huffed, leaning back against the back of her chair. “That’s men for you, never listen to what a woman has to say.”

“The right ones do.”

Bessie laughed, making Y/N smile a little. “Talking from experience, are you?”

Y/N hoped Bessie couldn’t see her cheeks heat up, but she was sure she noticed, hearing the older woman chuckle heartily before silence settled over them once again.

“You know,” Bessie started, knitting her vest again. “When I was younger, I drew the conclusion that family isn’t always blood and who you’ve spent the most time with. No, family is who makes you feel at home, who makes you feel safe, and loved.”

Y/N looked over at Bessie, biting her bottom lip as it threatened to wobble again.

“Family is who you make it. You don’t owe your parents anything. They might’ve brought you into this world, but they didn’t give you life, you did that yourself. When you decided to leave them, when you came here, when you applied for your UCAT, when you met Harry and everyone else. That’s life. You chose life.”

Y/N couldn’t help her smile, her sight getting blurrier with each passing second, but she didn’t really care just then.

“I’m so proud of you for doing that. It takes a lot of courage to follow your dreams, especially when the environment around you tells you that said dreams aren’t worth it,” Bessie said. “But, you have to remember this, they always are. Every dream is worth it. It’s okay to feel sad after making the right decision.”

A sob escaped Y/N’s lips and Bessie looked up at once, putting the vest away to focus her attention on Y/N who was now full on crying. She hadn’t known how much she needed to hear those words till Bessie finally said them. Holding onto Bessie’s hand for dear life, Y/N looked into the innkeeper’s eyes, trying to smile again, but she couldn’t.

“Bessie, thank you,” Y/N said between sobs. “Truly, thank you so much.”

“You don’t have to thank me, Y/N. I love you; I love how far you’ve come.”

Y/N brought a hand up to her mouth, stopping a loud sob from coming out from between her lips. “I don’t know what to do now,” she said once she had calmed down a little. “I don’t know where to go, what to do, how I’m gonna handle University when the time comes. Like, I’ll be 26 by that time and everyone who’s starting will be almost ten years younger than me. It feels like everyone’s sprinted this marathon since forever, and I’ve fallen over and struggled to get up so many times that I’ve fallen behind. I don’t know how I’m gonna get back into the race, you know? I can’t win.”

Bessie pondered over Y/N’s words, watching her intently as she wiped more tears away from her face. “You can still win, Y/N. And even if you don’t win, you still did everything you could, and that’s just as good as winning, is it not?”

Y/N shrugged her shoulders, looking down at her and Bessie’s joined hands.

“Life doesn’t wait for you. It doesn’t force you to do anything, it just drags you along on a journey and it’s your responsibility to do what you want with your time on earth. You are still so young, you have so much time to do whatever you wanna do. If you lost your youth to controlling parents, abuse, a partner you thought truly loved you but didn’t, if you lost your youth to mental illness, your life isn’t over. There’s no deadline for anything like that in life. If you wanna go to uni now, five-none years after everyone else you know went to uni, then that’s what you’re gonna do. Who says you have to be a certain age, or at a certain stage in your life, or be satisfied with how you look, act, feel, before doing something that ultimately will make you happy? That will make your life worth living? No, life isn’t gonna wait for you to catch up, no one will, but it’s gonna give you opportunities to right your wrongs, to do what will bring you happiness. There’s no deadline, you still have time.”

Y/N met Bessie’s eyes again and the older woman smiled at her, squeezing her hand reassuringly.

“All the time in the world,” Bessie said.

“I just don’t know what to do. I just… this feels like home, but after everything that happened last Friday, I’m not sure people want me here.”

“Oh, we do,” Bessie said firmly. “People might not have been happy with you, but they won’t love you any less. This is still your home, Y/N.”

Y/N smiled.

“We are your family now, Y/N. If you need a mum, I’ll be your bloody mum.”

Y/N laughed, leaning forward and bringing Bessie into a hug. Out of everything she had done in the last few days, this was definitely a moment Y/N thought she would cherish forever. This entire summer, Bessie had stood by her. No matter what, Bessie had been beside Y/N, ready to help whenever she needed guidance, and Y/N was unsure if she had ever met someone so willing to love as Bessie. She clung a little tighter onto Bessie, feeling another tear roll down her cheek. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, darling,” Bessie said, a smile in her voice. “Now, all you need to do is revise for the UCAT and give that cardigan to its rightful owner, eh?”

Y/N therefore took the cardigan with her up to her room and sat down by her desk. Though she was sure Harry was home, she was unsure if she’d have the courage to actually knock on the door and give it to him. It’d be better if she just left it there for him, though she knew that would also just look very weird. After everything, she had to face Harry, she was just unsure of how it was all going to play out. It took her a while to find the right words, and once she was done with her final draft letter, she put it on the desk beside the pile of disqualified letters, getting up to find her things and get ready for the trip to the lighthouse. With her stomach hurting from nerves, she put the cardigan in the tote bag, struggling to fit it as she reached for the desk, picking up the letter and shoving it into the tote bag.

With her tote bag on her shoulder, she started on her walk to the lighthouse. She had no idea what Harry would say when she showed up, if he would even allow her to enter his cottage at all. The three days that had passed since the end of summer party felt like ten years each, time had never moved slower. Y/N had waited for this moment for a while now. She had tried to gather the courage she would need for this. But, she kept telling herself this, if she managed to meet her mum and confront her about everything and told her, her dad, and Dominic to stay away from her, then she could walk to Clodgy Point and hand Harry a bloody cardigan. How hard could it be?

However, with each step she took that led her closer to the lighthouse, Y/N felt almost just as anxious, if not worse, than when she walked to meet her mother. There was something about facing Harry after everything that made her mouth dry up. She had absolutely no idea if he would want to see her again after everything, if he could even bear the sight of her after all she put his family and loved ones through. Not only had her father showed up to Jessa’s farm, but Harry had also been violently slammed against his own car and gone into hypo not long after. The mess that had been last Friday had made them both go through emotions neither thought would be possible to endure at once and during one single evening. She wondered if Harry knew she had been to the lighthouse and done the weather reports that night and the following morning.

Walking along Fore Street, Y/N gazed into the shops on either side of the pedestrian street, taking in life in St Ives as she didn’t know what would happen after today. She was originally set to check out of the Inn that morning, August 10th, but Bessie told her it would be alright if she wanted to leave by train later that day. Y/N didn’t know yet where she wanted to go or how far that would be, but all she knew was that she had to be in Plymouth on September 10th to take the UCAT. Besides that, her future looked to be very blurry. It all depended on what happened when she arrived at the lighthouse.

But as she strolled up the hill to Clodgy Point, she didn’t see Harry’s yellow van. Though this was weird at first, she tried to tell herself that he was still home. There hadn’t been a single time that summer when she’d shown up to Harry’s cottage and he hadn’t been there. He was always there.

Knocking on the door though, left Y/N standing there in silence for a single minute, the wild wind, seagulls, and sun overhead the only things keeping her company. She knew it was none of her business looking through the windows into his cottage, but she had to know if he was just ignoring her or if he really wasn’t there. She walked to the side of the house, looking in through the window just beside his bed, the one placed right beside the dining table. The place was empty. Sighing, she walked back over to the door and took her tote bag off her shoulder. She placed it in front of the door, hoping the wind wouldn’t blow it away, and then she got up and walked back the way she came.

It had been stupid to go there in the first place. Of course he wouldn’t be completely by himself after the hypo he had just a few days ago. His family and loved ones would most likely not allow him to be anywhere out of sight till they knew he was alright. Y/N refused to let her eyes start to sting again even though she could feel it coming on. The last few days she had been crying more than she ever had before. She never used to be a big crier, but something about being in St Ives and something about everything, the atmosphere and everyone in this town made her feel much more than before. It made her feel. It made her want.

Returning to the Inn, it was getting much darker out and Cornwall would soon be embraced once again by night. Y/N tried to look for Bessie inside, but the older woman must’ve gone home for a bit because she was nowhere to be seen. Y/N walked back up the steps and to her room, rummaging through her purse for her keys for what could be the last time. It seemed to take more time than usual and she groaned at herself, finding it harder to look for anything when it was so dark everywhere. The dim lighting of the stairs made her stop for a second. Taking a second to just narrow her eyes and get a closer look, Y/N was suddenly able to make out what it was she was seeing.

Bluebells, sea pinks, and hedgerow cranesbills laid neatly right before the door to her room. And though it looked almost just like the bouquets he had made her earlier, this one was almost entirely purple and made out of bellflowers. Y/N reached for it, picking it up and bringing it closer to her face, running her fingers over the soft petals gently as she felt her heart begin to pick up speed. It was as she smelled the flowers that she realised what this meant. Her eyes shot up and she just stared straight ahead at her door as she started breathing fast. He had been here. Harry had stopped by while she was walking to the lighthouse, dropping off the bouquet.

There was no time for hesitation as Y/N shot up into a standing position, running downstairs just as Bessie came back to the Inn.

“Oh! Hello, dear-“

“-Harry’s been here?” Y/N panted, standing in the doorway with the bouquet still in her hand.

Bessie’s eyes fell to the colourful flowers before she met Y/N’s eyes again. “He has.”

“When? Was it long ago?”

“Can’t remember, my darling, I just remember seeing his yellow car outside and there he was.” Bessie tutted softly. “It’s about to fall to pieces, that car of his.”

“You didn’t talk to him?”

A small smile spread out over Bessie’s lips as if she understood exactly what was going on. “I did.”

Y/N raised her eyebrows impatiently. “And?!”

“He asked where you were.”

Y/N waved her hands frantically to get Bessie to tell her what she’d told him in return.

“Told him you’d gone to the lighthouse to find him.”

Y/N ran a hand over her face, inhaling hugely. “Alright. Okay. Deep breaths.”

Bessie watched the younger woman with amusement, cocking her head a little to the side as a knowing smile spread out over her face.

“I… I need to leave. I need to go,” Y/N said. “If he shows up again, tell him I’ll wait.” She ran over to the other side of the street as the sky overhead was a slight darkening blue, tinges of purple and pink along the horizon. She stopped as she got a glimpse of the lighthouse, finally seeing the light. A light that would guide her where she needed to be. And with that, Y/N set off. By Porthminster beach, through Fore Street, flying past slow walkers, running straight for Clodgy lighthouse. She felt the bouquet fall apart, leaving flowers along her path through St Ives in a desperate attempt to get to Harry. To get where she needed and where she was supposed to be.

Though it had been a trek walking up the stone path before, Y/N ran up it with ease this time around. She could see the lighthouse blinking its distinct pattern, could make out some light within the cottage along with the yellow van. A breath left her and her heart began to soar, that shred of hope that had been born from seeing the bouquet in the hotel blossomed. Out of breath and probably very sweaty, Y/N knocked on the door of the cottage. However, like last time, no one opened. So, Y/N tried again, but same luck this time around. She walked out onto the moors and squinted her eyes, trying to look about to see if she could make out Harry’s figure.

“Harry!” she shouted, whipping her head around in different directions to see where he was. “Harry!” She ran beyond the cottage, trying to make out anything, anything at all, against the flat moors. “Where are you?!”

“Y/N!”

It came from overhead. As if an angel was flying just high enough for the wind to carry some of his voice, but low enough so that Y/N could hear him clearly. Turning around, Y/N was sure she was seeing just that, an angel. Harry was standing on the gallery deck of the lighthouse, looking down at her. At the sight of him, Y/N felt an intense tingle go through her entire body. It was an overwhelming sort of happiness, unlike anything she’d ever felt before, and it surrounded her, made the air around her static with anticipation and adoration. The sky behind him was darkening so she couldn’t make out his face, but she would be able to do just that soon enough.

Smiling to herself, she ran for the door. She pulled it open and let it slam behind her as she ran up the steps. Past the office, past the bedroom, past everything, till she made it to the very top. Panting and thighs burning, she opened the door on the topmost floor. The ladder to the bell room stood to her right, but she turned left and walked out onto the gallery deck where she’d seen Harry.

There he stood, right under the blinking light. He was looking at her with his lips slightly parted, hair as unkempt as usual, and a look of relief and shock on his face. They were left there just staring at each other for a little while, neither of them able to voice what they had been thinking about for the last three days. Everything from her jumping out of the car to get him, to helping him with his hypo, to doing the weather report, to talking to her mum, and the cardigan. The cardigan. Y/N was ashamed of how long it had taken her to notice it, she blamed the darkening sky above them.

Harry was wearing the colourful square cardigan she had knitted him and placed in front of his door. The one she had put there not even an hour earlier along with her note. Biting her lips together, she let her eyes wander his body. She took in the Elton John tee shirt he was wearing and the loose light washed denim jeans along with his black Vans. But her eyes lingered on what he was holding in his hand. Her heart skipped a beat and her breath halted. Their eyes met again, and Harry’s jaw was now working, trying to find the right words as he so rarely did.

“What’s that?” she asked him in a small voice, gesturing at his hand.

He looked down at it before looking up at her again, holding it up for her to see. A book. And not just any book. Mrs Dalloway by Virginia Woolf. Her favourite book by her favourite author. The one she had been reading to him in the field beside the lighthouse all summer. Her eyes began to sting again and she wondered once again how many times she would find herself crying in the span of just a couple of days.

“I, uhm…” He looked at it, opening it on the page where he rested his finger. “I just got to this bit right here- I mean, the whole book is rather confusing ‘cause of the whole stream of consciousness thing going on, but…” He pointed a finger at the line he’d been reading. “This right here made sense. Very much.”

The light from the lighthouse continued to shine its pattern across the coast before and around them, making some of Harry temporarily light up. It just strengthened her argument from before, that he was an angel.

“’Nothing is so strange when one is in love,’” Harry said.

“’As the complete indifference of other people,’” Y/N finished and Harry looked up at once, taken aback by her interruption but not at all offended.

He nodded his head slowly. “Yeah.” A few moments passed before he said, with such a soft voice it felt like a caress against Y/N’s skin, “I dunno what’s really going on in that book, to be fair, but… but I understood that. That line made sense.”

“It’s not the best book to start off on if you’re getting into Woolf’s work.”

“Yeah, alright, but I had to, didn’t I?”

“Did you?”

“Yeah, ‘cause it’s your favourite. It-“ He stopped himself, swallowing thickly as he shut the book again and kept eye contact with her. “It was a piece of you. I…” He inhaled slowly. “I didn’t know when I’d see you next- if I ever would again, and… Mrs Dalloway and Woolf just… It reminded me of you. It was a piece of you.”

Y/N wanted to walk closer to him.

“It was all those moments spent out in the field listening to you read it out loud, or just watching you while you did so. I…” He shrugged. “I might not know what’s going on in the book, but I don’t really give a fuck ‘cause if reading it will somehow bring me back to that and back to you, then I’ll bloody well do it.”

Her eyes fell to the book, biting her lips together before glancing up into his eyes again.

“I just wanted a moment. Whatever moment. A single moment with you. I’ve been so… so desperate these last few days,” he said, letting go of a small, but shaky breath. “I just wanted to be. Wanted to be with you. In whatever form, whatever I could get. Just be. Just exist in a place, in a memory, where I was in your presence.”

“Harry-“

“-And if you’re here to say goodbye… I just need this one. This moment. I just need to take it in. I just need to live with you for some seconds.”

Her lips fell apart even more and she furrowed her brow slightly. “Did you not read the letter I left with the cardigan?”

Harry pulled the book up again, tapping his finger against something resting between the cover and the first page. Was he using it as a bookmark?

“So, you read it?”

“’I’ve been knitting this all summer, it looked more like something that would fit you than me. The colours reminded me of you and how you made me feel. Love, Y/N.’”

Ignoring the fact that he had memorised the letter, she groaned slightly, scratching at her neck as she kept her eyes on the letter.

“Well… then I put one of the draft letters with the cardigan.”

Harry frowned.

“I didn’t know what I wanted to say to you, I wrote like 500 draft letters before I actually landed on something like ‘I’ll be at the Inn, please come see me’, but it doesn’t seem like I put that one in there.”

“No,” he said quickly. “You didn’t.”

“But then I saw the bouquet outside my door and Bessie said you’d dropped by. And since we hadn’t talked in days, I didn’t know what you thought of me and everything that had happened.”

“Grace told me. Dax, too.”

She just looked at him.

“Gracie told me you arrived with blood on your elbow and knee, that you helped wake me up, and Dax…” Harry sighed. “Well, he said he knew there was something going on, but he realised that, though we had been faking it, he knew then, just by watching you fuss over me and run for the lighthouse, that you actually cared about me. And he knows me well enough to just see it plainly on me that I have feelings for you, too.”

Y/N didn’t really know what to say. It was true. She cared about him. So very much. But she hadn’t thought about how it would look to Grace and Dax who had, mere hours before, heard that Harry and Y/N’s relationship had been a lie since the start.

“I… Y/N, I wanted to come to the Inn. I’ve wanted to see you ever since Friday, but Jessa wouldn’t let me out of sight and told me to rest for at least a day. And then, on Sunday, I went to the Inn but Bessie said you were out. So… I tried again today, but I wanted to make sure you knew I’d been by in case you were out again, so I left the bouquet.” His eyes fell to her hand, a small smile on his lips. “With bellflowers.”

When Y/N looked down onto her hand again where there had once been a beautiful bouquet. She remembered how she had felt flower upon flower split from between her fingers as she ran for the lighthouse, they were strewn along the path up to the lighthouse now. There was only a single one left in her hand. A bellflower.

“And I made you that cardigan,” Y/N said, looking up at him again. “It’s not perfect. There some faults here and there, a few holes, it’s a bit fucked-“

“-I don’t care,” Harry blurted out. “I like that it’s a bit fucked. I like when you can see the progress, when you can tell that someone’s struggled, but it’s turned out alright. I love it.”

Y/N couldn’t help her smile. She looked down at the flower in her hand, feeling herself clutch it a little tighter, not wanting to let it go.

“Do you…” Harry trailed off, watching her as she met his eyes again. “No, forget it.”

“No, what?”

“It’s stupid, really-“

“-Nothing’s ever stupid, Harry, what’s on your mind?”

“Well…” He shrugged his shoulders, looking down at the bellflower in her hands. “Do you remember when we were on the beach and we talked about your favourite books and started to discuss whether or not destiny is real?”

There was no hesitation before Y/N nodded, remembering every single moment of this past summer in vivid detail.

“You said you believe balance and energy, that you get what you deserve based on what you’ve done, right?”

“Yeah.”

“And I believe that the universe brings us someplace or something ‘cause it’s already got this perfectly sculptured plan for us, where we’re supposed to end up.”

“Yeah.”

“I’ve thought about that conversation these past few days, ‘cause…” He thought for a few seconds, finding his words. “I think we got what we deserved.”

Y/N frowned. “What do you mean?”

“We lied to everyone. We lied to people we love, to ourselves, and… the universe didn’t want us to lie. It didn’t want us to fake it.”

She tightened her hold on the bellflower, more wind blowing past them where they stood at the top of the lighthouse, the lamp shining its familiar sequence above them.

“Y/N, we’ve done it all wrong. We got what we deserved ‘cause we didn’t do it right.”

“What are you saying?”

“Our theories? You with your energy and balance and me with destiny? It’s all connected, don’t you understand?”

She just looked at him, too awestruck to think clearly.

“You’re right, we did the universe wrong so it got back at us by having our worlds fall apart around us last Friday. And destiny… well, we met and we did it wrong.”

“Then what would’ve been the right way?”

“To never have initiated the fake relationship at all. We should never have done it.”

A small pang of hurt erupted in Y/N’s chest and she furrowed her brows slightly. “Then we wouldn’t have really met each other, though.”

“But we would’ve. I ran into you; I shouldn’t have asked you to be my fake girlfriend. If I had just asked you out…” Harry let out a breathy chuckle. “Who the fuck am I kidding? I wouldn’t have done that; I was way too nervous around you then.”

Y/N felt her cheeks heat up and she hoped Harry couldn’t tell how flustered she was.

“It was wrong of us to do it.”

“It wasn’t.”

“But it was, Y/N,” Harry said. “’Cause… it was never fake. Not really. We pretended to be a couple, but… it was never fake, not for me. My feelings for you, they’re not, and have never been, fake or a lie.” He took a small step forward, lips parted for a moment before he spoke again. “Every time I’ve touched you, or done something affectionate, or acted like someone who might be in love with you, it’s because I was. I am.”

A breath left her lips and her heart beat out of her chest, a rush of ecstasy flowing through her veins so quickly it made her dizzy with happiness.

“I’m in love with you. I… I’m so immeasurably in love with you, Y/N, that every moment without you, or any moment when I don’t have you close to some capacity, is insignificant. Woolf is right about that. Everything is much more important, I feel so much more than I did before you, all my senses are heightened, but I feel the most for you. It’s been like that for a while now.”

Y/N walked over to him, eyes on his before she looked down at the bellflower between them. “I didn’t…” She bit her lip for a second. “I didn’t really know what love was till I came to St Ives. I knew what it was to kind of love someone, I know that… to some degree I love my mum. I cared about Dominic, and I even loved Dad when I was little.” She glanced up again. “But I’ve never felt love like this. I’ve never been on the receiving end, never loved as much as I’ve done this summer. I feel so full of it. You know when you fill a bucket or a glass or anything with water, and the second it pours over the brim, the water envelopes it? That’s how this summer has felt.”

Harry smiled a little, his right dimple showing.

“You showed me what it means to love and be loved in return, that is what we’re put on this planet to do. What is life if you’re not loved and you don’t love?”

He just looked at her, eyes tracing her face and taking in each one of her features.

“It was never fake, Harry. Never.” The smile on his face disappeared and a shaky breath slipped from between his lips. “I’ve been falling in love with you all summer. I didn’t even realise how hard and fast it had happened till you kissed me at Porthgwidden Beach,” she said. “Even… Even if you kissed me just for show.”

Harry closed his eyes and shook his head quickly before he looked at her again, not sure if he’d heard her correctly. “What?”

“You kissed me-“ She stopped herself, tilting her head at him. “You kissed me to show off that we were a couple… right?”

“No, I didn’t,” he said. “Didn’t you hear what I just said? Everything I’ve ever done has never been for show. Nothing was a lie. I wanted to kiss you at Porthgwidden. I had wanted to kiss you for a while.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, Y/N, I always want to kiss you,” Harry admitted. “Always.”

She couldn’t help her slight smile. “Nothing was for show?”

“Nothing.”

“Everything was real?”

He looked down, finger tracing the petals of the bellflower in her hand. “We’re real, flower. Our feelings are real.”

“Then… if you always want to kiss me,” Y/N said, voice low and filled with purpose. He looked up at her quickly. “Why aren’t you kissing me right now?”

Another breath left Harry’s lips and he ended up just staring at her. The entire summer flashed before them as their eyes drifted from each other’s eyes to their lips and back up again. Them running into one another, going to Grace’s birthday, the kamayan on the beach, and everything that followed. Her reading to him in the grass, looking up every now and again to catch him watching her, a tinge of pink on his cheekbones as he looked away, doing his best to hide his smile which in turn made it impossible for Y/N to hide hers. Everything passed between them in those seconds where Y/N waited for him to kiss her. It was a whole summer of miscommunication, wrong-doings, and making up for mistakes, everything had come to this.

Harry raised his hand, slowly sliding his thumb over her cheek before he settled his fingers at the nape of her neck. They leaned into one another, resting their foreheads together and for a little moment, they just stood there. She let him hold onto her as she moved to slide her hands up his back, still holding onto the bellflower. Y/N glanced upward, the lamp of the lighthouse turning on. Seeing the light, she felt peace run through her. This was exactly where she was supposed to be.

Looking back at Harry, her eyes lingered on his lips before she met his eyes again. With that, he leaned in, and pressed his lips softly against hers. The light overhead turned on again and Y/N knew, without a shadow of a doubt, this was home. The taste of Harry’s lips, his hands on her neck and hips, his breath against her cheek; just having him in her presence, that was where she belonged.

They detached their lips for a short second, eyes meeting. “You’re staying?” he asked.

“I’m staying,” she answered. “If you want me to.”

There was a slight pause where they just looked at one another. She saw a smile form on Harry’s lips before he leaned in again, kissing her more fiercely. She felt his smile against her lips, making her smile back, unable to help herself. Harry tried to widen their lips so his tongue could trace hers, but their smiles were too wide, and their teeth ended up sliding against one another, making Y/N laugh and Harry giggle. They opened their eyes again, just looking at one another and smiling until they calmed down, kissing one another again.

This time, Harry managed to open their mouths in unison, tongues gliding against one another, and they were finally able to taste one another again. Nothing else mattered as they drew out the kiss, letting the heavenly rush that was going through their bodies in that moment take over completely. They were buzzing with electricity, shining like a star where they stood joined together. Y/N was sure that the lamp inside the lighthouse could go out, and her and Harry would light up the entire world and guide everyone who needed help, home.

She slung her arm around his neck, the hand clutching the bellflower rested on his shoulder and they deepened the kiss. It was the happiest moment of her life, standing there, at the top of the lighthouse, with Harry. There would be nothing like this ever. Everything had led to this. It was as Harry had said, everything else was so much more colourful now, but so insignificant in comparison to him, to this. How had she ever thought she’d live a life without him in it?

“You can spend the night,” Harry said once they had regained their breaths. “We don’t have to do anything; I just want you to stay here with me.”

She smiled at him, letting go of a breathy chuckle. “I’ll stay the night.”

He smiled back, kissing her temple. “I just want you as close as possible.”

She turned her face and pressed her lips against his again, closing her eyes and melting into him again. He gripped her face gently, pulling her to him and moaning softly against her, his wet lips making a hot shiver run up her spine that absolutely no one but Harry had been able to conjure. An early autumnal wind blew past them and though it was a cold breeze, Y/N felt herself radiate warmth. They giggled against one another when they realised they had completely forgotten where they were, the plans from earlier about going downstairs.

Harry took Y/N’s hand and the two walked back down the stairs, Harry carrying Mrs Dalloway and Y/N the bellflower. Once they reached the cottage, Y/N walked straight over to the kitchen and found a small glass she could put the flower in, and once it was filled with some water, she put it on the dining table, smiling a little at it. Harry walked over and sat down in the windowsill Y/N had spent countless hours studying for her UCAT, he watched her as she marvelled at the bellflower, studying it in the dim light of the cottage.

“What’ve you been up to the past few days?” Harry asked as Y/N sat down by the dining table.

“Been knitting that,” she said, nodding in the direction of the cardigan Harry was still wearing. “And I had a chat with Mum.”

Harry paused for a few seconds, letting the words Y/N had just uttered sink in. “You… You talked?”

“Yeah.”

“Did your parents and-“ Harry made a grimace as if saying the name made him ill. “Dominic show up unannounced again?”

Y/N tried not to smile. “No, I asked Mum to meet me.”

“Oh.” Harry nodded his head some, letting the words sink in. “Alright.”

“I just wanted to make it very clear that I don’t want anything to do with them again. Told her that if they came close to me or tried to meet me without letting me know and talking to me beforehand, I’ll file a restraining order or summat like that. I dunno how to do it or if the situation is, like, qualified for one-“

“-Jo will help. They work for a law firm; they’ll know what to do.”

“I’d appreciate that very much.” She sighed. “If Jo and the rest of St Ives will ever truly forgive what we did.”

Harry’s eyes fell to his hands in his lap, letting some silence settle between them before he said, “Yeah, Jessa wasn’t impressed.”

There had not been a moment prior to this when Y/N had felt angrier and more ashamed of herself. Out of everyone she had met in her life up until that point, and probably forever, Jessa was one of the most accepting and kindest people she had ever met. The fact that she had not only disappointed Jessa but also hurt her, made Y/N so thoroughly sad that it was hard not to scream out in anger.

“Did she…” Y/N trailed off, gesturing with her hands as Harry looked up at her again. “Did she talk to you about everything when you stayed at the farm with them that day after your hypo?”

Harry shook his head. “No. She barely spent any time with me, just told Grace to keep me company while she tended to the farm. She didn’t want to let me be alone, though. She can be mad at me, but she still can’t be that mad, you know what I mean?” Harry chuckled some. “Got the biggest heart out of anyone I know, Jessa does.”

Y/N smiled a little at that. “She had to know you’d be alright.”

“I heard you went up to the lighthouse to do the weather reports.”

She bit her lips together, remembering that night in vivid detail.

“Thank you,” he said. “Thank you so much for that.”

“You couldn’t do them, and someone had to.”

Harry chuckled. “You’re making it sound like it was dreadful.”

“It was!” He laughed even more at her exclamation. “I was proper freaking out!”

“But you did an amazing job! Everything you’ve written down is correct and I can guess then that your report was as well.”

She smiled. “I hope so.”

Harry smiled back, getting up to take the cardigan off and put it on a hanger by his dresser.

“Who did it after I left? I went back to the Inn after the 9am one.”

“Dax told me you were at the lighthouse and when he got your text saying you’d be leaving, he told me, I called Trinity House, and another lighthouse keeper off-duty came and stepped in for the day.”

“Okay, good,” Y/N said. “I was scared I just left it in the hands of no one, but I didn’t know what to do.”

“You did plenty. Thank you, genuinely.” Harry looked at the clock on the wall, letting go of a long sigh before he walked over to the lamp by his sofa, turning it off.

“I…” Y/N said, cracking the knuckle of her thumb as nervousness suddenly flooded her. She had thought about this a fair amount since the party last Friday and she felt like it had to be addressed. “The piano piece you played at the end of summer party,” Y/N started, making Harry look over at her. “It was beautiful.”

“You mean your song?”

Y/N felt lightheaded at him addressing it like that.

“It kinda just came to me throughout the summer. The first bit was just us laying in the grass and as it picks up you can kinda tell how much you begin to mean to me,” he explained. “It’s nostalgic, it’s what I was going for anyway. You don’t really know if you should be happy or sad, ‘cause the memories make you feel both at the same time.” He walked over to the foyer and locked the front door, turning the lights off, closing the door leading out there, separating them from the entrance. “Played it for Grace a couple of times and I was gonna play it for you, but… well, then everything went to shit, didn’t it?”

Y/N let out a small chuckle, looking down at her hands. “Yeah, everything fell apart all at once.”

“It did,” he agreed, turning a lamp on top of his dresser off. “But we made it, didn’t we?”

She smiled at that.

Harry paused for few seconds, looking out through the major window at the far-end wall where he had just been seated, furrowing his brows as he thought. It was as if he had just remembered something, biting his lips together as his eyes fell to the floor again. Not knowing what was on his mind, Y/N kept her mouth shut.

“I… I can’t remember much from last Friday,” he confessed, looking back up through the window. “It’s not even a blur, it’s just… it’s not there.”

Y/N just looked at him.

“Usually what happens when my blood sugar’s low. I get dizzy, start to sweat and I shake, and I’ll be very irritable, the slightest thing will tick me off.” Harry walked over to the dining table, sitting down next to Y/N. “And, if I go into a hypo, I won’t remember the hypo, or most of the moments leading up to it. I’ll just slowly jolt out of it and realise what’s happening.”

She nodded, eyes falling to his hands that were folded together on the table before him.

“I remember your family arriving and I remember being scared out of my bloody mind when I realised what was going on- when you and Bessie fucked out of the barn. I knew something was up. I kind of had a hunch as to what it was, but… I didn’t want to believe it. It couldn’t be happening, it just couldn’t.”

She wanted to reach for his hand.

“I didn’t even know who they were, you hadn’t shown me any pictures of them, so I couldn’t tell from just looking at them, but I knew. An old married pair and that… that ruddy tosser – don’t even wanna say his name – came out of that car, and I just knew. I couldn’t let you go with them.”

“I’m sorry-“

“-No,” Harry stopped her. “No, I get why you did. Didn’t wanna cause a scene, and all that.”

She nodded. “Thought it’d be better if I went, didn’t want to fight with them in front of everyone.”

Harry looked up at her. “You fought with them?”

“Not a physical fight.”

“A man can only dream.”

She laughed.

“You should’ve levelled He Who Must Not Be Named while you still had the chance.”

She grinned at him. “When I become a dentist and he’s my patient, I’ll pull all his teeth out without any anaesthetics. How ‘bout that?”

Harry smiled back. “That’ll be a right laugh.”

She giggled, looking down at his hands again.

“What happened in the car then? You had an argument?”

Biting at her bottom lip, Y/N thought about the entire car incident before looking up into Harry’s eyes again. “I told them I wouldn’t come back to Hampshire, that I wouldn’t move in with Dominic, that-“

“-They wanted you to move in with that grotesque git?!” Harry sounded flabbergasted.

She smiled a little again. “Yes, well, Mum and Dad don’t really care what I think as long as it looks good, you know.”

Harry nodded, motioning for her to continue on explaining.

“And then I told them I was doing a UCAT exam. None of them believed it or wanted me to take it, and that’s when Gracie called,” Y/N explained. “I asked Dad to stop the car so I could go back, but he wouldn’t let me out. I kind of realised that nothing would stop him. So, when I felt him stepping on the break before he was about to turn, I told them not to follow me, and I jumped out of the car.”

Harry stared at her, mouth hanging open, blinking multiple times as if he was picturing the entire thing unfold. “You…” He trailed off, shaking his head. “You jumped out of their car?”

“To get to you, yeah.”

A small breath left his lips and he continued to just look, a sort of appreciation on his face that made Y/N warm with pleasure. Again, she felt an urge to reach for his hand and hold onto him, to check if he was okay. Reliving those memories in her head and talking about them, made her also revisit the feelings of dread at the news of Harry’s hypo. Just wanting to get to him, just wanting to see he was alright.

“You’re bloody mad,” he said, a breathy chuckle following his utterance. “Brilliant, but out-of-your-mind mad at the same time.”

Y/N laughed again, smiling at Harry. “Did you feel the hypo coming on?”

“Yeah,” Harry answered, scratching at his jaw as his eyes fell on the dark field beyond the window beside the kitchen table. “Yeah, I usually feel them. This time around there was so much happening all at once, I didn’t really feel it till it happened. I’m usually very good at regulating my blood sugar, not had a shock like that in years.”

She leaned her elbows on the table, taking a grip of her upper arms as she watched him talk.

“I used to not want to take my insulin pens out in front of people after we had a meal out or stuff like that, it used to make me feel very vulnerable. I used to feel exposed, as if I was showing people a secret of mine that I didn’t want them in on. It was the same when I was overweight, I didn’t wear revealing or tight-fitted clothes ‘cause I didn’t want people to think I was bigger, you know what I mean? The better I could hide it from everyone else, the easier I could hide it from myself. So, I had a few hypos when I was younger.”

Two lines appeared between his brows as he thought, Y/N wanted to reach over and stroke them away.

“I think I was just so used to hiding parts of myself – big parts – that made it almost instinctive, hiding the fact that I was diabetic. I thought there was something wrong with me at first, ‘cause this would change my entire life, you know?” He let out a chuckle. “But then I went to this event thingy where I met other kids with diabetes, and I realised that it was much more common than I’d ever thought before. Not only that, but it had been stupid of me to ever hide it, to be ashamed of it. When you’re a kid, all you want is to fit in. You don’t wanna stick out or give anyone a reason to pick on you in any way. All the bullying before had really made an impact, I never wanted to experience it again, you know?” He sighed. “Some people will bully you for anything, especially those things you cannot help.”

Y/N furrowed her brows as she listened to him.

“But I was surrounded by people who made me realise that life is too short to be embarrassed, especially about things you cannot change.  People who judge others for what they choose to do with their lives, are often the ones who still struggle to know who they are themselves, constantly critiquing others for their quirks and wrong-doings as if it’ll erase their own.”

Y/N smiled a little, nodding her head. “Yeah, my thighs have always been bigger,” she said. “I used to hate them ‘cause Mum would point them out and tell me I’d be wise to lose weight, but-“ Y/N shrugged. “-I like the way they jiggle when I walk, and though thigh chafing is an absolute pain, I still find them cute. It took me some time to realise that, of course. Especially when the environment around me keeps telling me they are. But I couldn’t care less, to be fair. Though it doesn’t feel like it at times, there are far more important things in life than an insignificant opinion. Big thighs save lives, do they not?”

The frown on Harry’s face has evaporated as Y/N spoke, a soft smile left in its wake. “Too right.”

Y/N smiled back.

“I love your thighs. They just-“ Harry made to reach for them, but stopped himself. Y/N laughed at him as he blinked himself out of some sort of trance.

“They what?”

“They’re pretty.”

Y/N felt her cheeks heat up instantly. No one had ever said that. That they liked her thighs. It only made those butterflies inside Y/N’s tummy flutter their wings even more wildly, not knowing how to properly act around Harry anymore.

“I was about to say something that would be a bit inappropriate,” Harry mumbled.

“What?”

“No, I can’t say. It’ll ruin the mood.”

“Nothing will ever ruin the mood, Harry.”

“Fine,” Harry hissed, inhaling quickly. “I just wanted to say that I really like the feel of them against my cheeks. They’re so soft. So… so soft.”

Her entire body went hot at that, because not only did it take her off guard, but she instantly remembered the feeling of his slight scruff against the inside of her thighs. Just thinking about it made her all dizzy with a need to feel it again. It all came sneaking up on her so suddenly that she was left biting her bottom lip, just looking at Harry as she clambered for things to say.

“See!” Harry exclaimed, chuckling. “Ruined the mood!”

“It just took me by surprise!”

“Right,” he laughed, getting up from the chair.

“I’m sorry for turning the lights out, it’s 9pm and I usually go to bed then. Gotta be up in about five hours.”

“Of course,” Y/N said, getting up. “We’ll… I’ll let you go to bed.”

“You’re not coming to bed?”

She just stared at him for a few moments. “I didn’t want to assume.”

“Assume,” Harry said, walking towards the bathroom.

Y/N laughed, following after him.

The two brushed their teeth together, Y/N using the toothbrush she had used the times before when she’d been there. Turns out, Harry had never thrown it out in case they would find themselves in this position multiple times. They took their time as Y/N ended up laughing at Harry, toothpaste dribbling down his chin. He told her that always happened and Y/N thought this was odd as Harry had a fairly big mouth.

Once again, he lent her a tee shirt. This time around, she only slept in that and her knickers, not really caring that Harry saw her in them as he’d seen her naked before. Harry only wore his boxers, putting on his sleep mask as Y/N picked up Mrs Dalloway where Harry had put it on the bed. Getting under the covers, she opened it on the page where he’d left off, smiling a bit to herself as she read a few passages. With a window open and most of the lights turned out except for the lamp on the nightstand, Harry got into bed with a grunt, pulling the covers over him. He glanced over at her, studying her face as she read, how her eyes flickered from word to word, line to line, paragraph to paragraph.

“Creep,” she mumbled, and Harry chuckled a little, getting into a comfortable position on his side so he could watch her.

“Read to me?” he asked, voice hoarse with on-coming sleep and Y/N found it so endearing and the question so familiar that a tingling sensation ran from her toes all the way up to the hair roots at the top of her head.

And so she did as he asked. She read from Mrs Dalloway, so softly and carefully that she almost lulled herself off to sleep. However, Harry was clinging to consciousness all he could. He would almost drift off but come back with a jolt, eyes wide open as if he tried to fight sleep, watching her lazily and intently, not daring to take his eyes off of her in case she wouldn’t be there when he opened them again. But it was only so much he could do, and, in the end, soft snores emitted from her companion, and Y/N put the book away, turning off the last light before joining Harry under the sheets.

It took her a while to fall asleep as well. She was just left staring at Harry, not really believing that this was all real. After everything that had happened these last few days, this almost seemed like a “too good to be true” ending and Y/N was nervous. She was content just being close to Harry like this, this was where she’d always wanted to be, but there was still a lot that needed to be addressed. The two of them had to talk about what would happen next, she needed to talk to everyone else, and she had to continue revising for the UCAT because it was now under a month till she was supposed to take the exam. The many thoughts and uncertain future kept her up like it had the last few nights, and Y/N wondered when she’d get a good night’s sleep.

She jolted awake some hours later, blinking up at the ceiling as Harry got up on his elbow and reached for his phone, turning the alarm off. Y/N watched as he sat up, rubbing his hands over his face to wake himself up a bit. She knew he couldn’t turn the lights on as it would ruin his night vision which he needed when he was out looking at the Stevenson Screen, so her eyes followed him as he got up from the bed and walked over to put the same outfit on that he’d worn before; his denim shorts and a pink tee shirt over it. He glanced over at Y/N, part of him must’ve realised she was awake.

“Alright?” he asked, voice hoarse from sleep and it made Y/N wake up even more. The sound of it made her all hot.

She nodded her head. “Your alarm clock just woke me up.”

“Yeah, I could tell,” Harry said, smiling a bit. “You jumped a bit.”

She smiled back as Harry gave her a small nod, pointing over his shoulder with his thumb before he walked out of the cottage and toward the lighthouse.

She wasn’t able to fall back asleep, however. She laid awake, looking up at the ceiling overhead and thinking too many thoughts all at once, her head feeling heavier than it had that entire night. It felt like she hadn’t slept at all, yet also had the deepest sleep of her life. After all, she had been with Harry this entire time, the two of them had talked everything out, they were okay, she should’ve had an amazing night sleep. But there was something that nagged at the back of her mind, something she had not been able to stop thinking about since Harry had said it just before they went to sleep.

“I really like the feel of them against my cheeks. They’re so soft. So… so soft.”

Her thighs. Soft. He liked the feel of them against him, around his face, as his head was between her legs. And then Y/N realised why her night had been so confusing and why it had been hard to fall asleep in the first place. Her body hadn’t forgotten those words. It had reacted to them while her brain had been wistfully unaware, letting it create an ache along her skin that only Harry could do something about. Taking a deep breath, Y/N closed her eyes, willing herself to fall asleep again.

Her mind immediately travelled back to the times before when Harry had tasted her. Whenever they had the chance to get intimate, he had always insisted on going down on her, like it was a privilege to, like he needed to. Y/N supposed it made sense, as he had told her how much he enjoyed getting his partner off, that knowing he was getting them off got him off. Seeing how hungry he truly was to make someone squirm and cry out his name, Y/N was always astounded by how true he had been to his word. He loved it. And something about that made Y/N’s entire body heat up. She found it so hot that he would do just about anything for someone else if it meant he’d help them over the edge.

Y/N’s eyes opened again, and she turned so her face was hidden in the pillow, screaming into it at how pathetic she was being. A thought had struck her, because she was sure that if she didn’t get rid of this ache now, it’d be even harder for her to fall back asleep afterward. Laying back down on her back, her eyes found the ceiling again and she rested a hand at the very bottom of her tummy. Harry wouldn’t be back for some time still, if she was quick she’d be done by the time he got back. And if she wasn’t quick and didn’t finish, she’d just excuse herself to the bathroom and finish everything quietly in there. Yes, that was a good plan.

Lifting the band of her knickers, Y/N reached down, hoisting her legs up slightly so it’d be easier for her to access all of herself. She ran a finger from her clit and down to her hole, not surprised to find wetness pooling there already. She smeared it out over herself; flicking her fingers over her bud, down to her hole again, making sure each part of her was covered in it. Continuing on like this until she basically found her core aching with a need for her to finish, Y/N started focusing entirely on her bud.

She thought of Harry. Thought of how he had looked while he ate her out from behind, his green eyes peering over at her as he looked over her shoulder at him. And then next came an image of Harry laying on his back in the bed in the lighthouse bedroom, eyes shut tight and mouth in an O-shape, forehead creasing as Y/N sat down on him, taking him into her. A low and long rumble emitted from him, vibrating through her, and Y/N gasped. He was sweaty, needy, and so incredibly hot where he laid under her, completely at her disposal, that it made the room spin around her. It all happened so quickly and it was so easy for her to almost reach a peak that she found herself inhaling sharply, letting go of a moan she had not meant to let pass her lips.

And it had been the worst possible moment for her to moan as well, because the door into the cottage opened and Harry stepped inside. Y/N stopped herself immediately, laying back down as if nothing had happened. However, by the way Harry quickly closed the door and locked it, looking over at her, she was sure he must’ve either heard or seen something. None of them spoke for a moment as they just looked at one another, at a loss for words. Y/N’s entire body felt like it was burning, but this time it was from embarrassment and not from want. If someone could transport her into an alternate dimension where she had chosen not to masturbate in Harry’s cottage while he was out doing the weather report, that would’ve been nice.

Harry’s mouth opened and closed again as he took his shoes off, still not stepping further into the cottage than the foyer. The silence was deafening, and Y/N wanted to scream. Couldn’t he just say something? He already knew partly what she had been doing according to how pink and flabbergasted he was, the least he could do was say something. Y/N didn’t mind him hearing or seeing her. In fact, she quite liked the idea. But she hadn’t intended to make Harry uncomfortable or make him not want to come back to bed.

“Uhm…” Harry said, clearing his throat as he scratched at the back of his neck. “Do you… I can…” He let his arm fall to his side. “I’ll go sleep in the lighthouse if you want some-“

“-No,” Y/N interrupted him. “I’m sorry, you weren’t supposed… I didn’t mean…” But she, like Harry, didn’t really know what to say. What was the right thing to say in a situation like this?

“I’ll step outside if you want to finish.”

“No, I-“ Y/N couldn’t help but laugh a little at that. This whole thing was so awkward and could’ve been so easily prevented. “-It’s fine. You can come back here to bed if you want to sleep next to me.”

Harry chuckled. “Don’t think there’s anywhere I’d rather be, to be honest.”

Y/N bit her lips together, wiping her fingers on her thigh before she positioned herself on her side again. She watched as Harry too his tee shirt off, biting the inside of his cheek as he thought for a few seconds. He didn’t look at her as he asked, “Did you finish, then?”

Y/N felt like she was on fire again, looking away from Harry as he unbuckled his denim shorts. “No, but it’s-“

“-Would you let me give it a try?”

She blinked, meeting his eyes. “Pardon?”

“Let me try to make you finish.” He got into bed with her, not taking his eyes off of her. “Please?”

A chill went up her spine and her centre began to ache painfully again. Not knowing what she was doing till she was doing it, Y/N nodded. Harry removed the covers from over her and Y/N got cold at once, but the sight of Harry’s eyes travelling down her body made her forget about the lack of the duvet at once. He leaned in, kissing her lips softly. It was a lazy sort of kiss, their mouths opening up for one another slowly and their tongues tangling, their lips getting wet and small whimpers emitted from their mouths as the make out session was dragged out. Suddenly, Harry started kissing down her jaw and neck, over her breasts that were covered in his tee shirt and down her body.

“What were you thinking about while you were getting off?” Harry asked, crawling further down the bed until his face rested just above the place she needed him. She was still on her side, Harry resting his head on her right thigh while she was holding up her left one as not to rest it on his head, she’d suffocate him for sure.

“You,” she answered simply, and Harry groaned against her skin, vibrating through her entire body, and especially her clit that was already sensitive from Y/N’s earlier try.

Harry hooked his fingers around the hem of her underwear, moving his head as to get it off, but he didn’t move it past her knees.

“Don’t move these,” he said, gesturing at her underwear. “Want to feel your thighs tight around me.”

“When you were under me, that first time we had sex,” she continued to explain.

“Hmm,” Harry hummed, kissing her folds that were now exposed to him. Y/N bit her bottom lip, looking down at him where he was almost hidden between her legs. “Liked that?”

“Love it when you’re needy.”

Harry kissed her again, making Y/N gasp slightly. “Then you’ll be pleased to know that I’ve thought about you, too.”

She froze a bit, looking down at him.

“Gotten off to the thought of you. A bit of a sad wank after we shagged in the car. Bloody fucking hell,” Harry said, sounding breathless. “When you wrapped your hand around my throat… so fucking hot.”

Harry didn’t wait for Y/N to say anything however because he ran his tongue over her and she immediately moaned, her left leg shaking as the impact rocked through her. Harry buried himself there between her legs, drawing out his licks over her until he focused solely on her clit. He sucked and Y/N’s eyes fluttered close. It hadn’t been far from climax when she had tried to get herself off earlier, it was embarrassing how quickly she would come now. However, as Harry continued to suck on her and make noises as if he was enjoying himself immensely, having the meal of his life, Y/N didn’t quite care. She was losing her mind as it was, feeling Harry’s tongue and mouth on her again, a sensation she had missed.

She felt Harry’s scruff against her skin and though it tickled some, she welcomed this feeling. She couldn’t come up with a number high enough if she were to say how many times she had thought about being in this position with Harry again. Before Harry, Dominic hadn’t bothered going down on Y/N much, and this hunger of Harry’s, his desire to make her come and scream while she did, was in such drastic contrast that it was almost laughable. Harry would not rest till he knew she had had a mind-blowing orgasm, while Dom had never even asked her if she finished. She often had to do the job herself with him, but with Harry, he was the one doing that for her.

“Oh, God,” she moaned as Harry wrapped his lips around her bud again, sucking her deliciously.

She reached down, taking Harry’s hair in her hands, and biting her lips as she let out another moan. He was working hard on making this one an orgasm to remember, she could feel it. As an electric shock ran through her, making her gasp for breath, her left leg fell onto Harry’s face. About to lift it again, she heard a sound of contentment from down there. Harry liked it. He liked the feeling of her thighs around him, suffocating him almost. Another thrill ran through Y/N at the thought.

“Harry,” she gasped, her grip on his hair tightening, he hummed against her in response.

She clung to him, the feeling of fire hot tension in her core was starting to reach that point where it’d burst, and Y/N was making more and more noise the nearer it drew. Harry held onto her, slipping two fingers into her while he continued to eat her out, looking up every now and again to look at her. At the feeling of his fingers, Y/N gasped again, crying out his name as hot pleasure erupted from her core and all throughout her body, making every cell aware of what was soon to happen.

“Couldn’t sleep just now,” Harry admitted between licks and sucks. “After our chat, all I kept thinking about was the taste of your sweet cunt and your thighs around me as I eat you out.”

Y/N moaned in response, dizzy with approaching bliss.

The wet sucking sounds of Harry’s lips as well as his fingers now, almost echoed throughout the room. Something that before would’ve disgusted her previous partner, but something that made her current partner, and herself, highly aroused. She pulled at his hair as he sucked on her again, picking up the pace of his fingers, and making it hard for Y/N not to cry out yet again. She felt it then. Just there. A little bit out of reach.

“Come on, baby,” Harry said against her, voice husky. “Come loud and nice for me now.”

Y/N gasped again, Harry’s words taking her off guard. However, it didn’t take long after that. He wrapped his lips around her and sucked more forcefully this time around, making the world around Y/N shatter completely. She gasped and moaned and cried out Harry’s name as she came. Fires licking at each of her organs, making it hard for her to breathe as Harry got out from between her thighs. He got up instantly to get her something to clean up with, not letting her do it himself. As she calmed down, biting her lips as Harry laid down next to her, she saw the small start of a grin. Before she could ask what he was thinking about, Harry spoke.

“I’ve been running low on vitamin P these last few days.”

Y/N was silent for a moment before she understood, then she just looked at him. Of course. “Don’t say it.”

“Vitamin pussy.”

Y/N brought her hands up to her face to hide it from view as they both laughed. It had been such a stupid joke after such a serious and hot moment spent together that neither of them could help themselves. It was exactly what Y/N had expected from Harry and she loved it, even though it was the stupidest joke she had ever heard. Harry’s phone went off, and Y/N wondered if it was 6am already, though that wouldn’t make sense as it at just been 3. Harry sat up, looking at his phone and bringing it up to the sensor on his upper arm, clicking his tongue.

“Seems eating you out didn’t work to get my blood sugar up, it’s still low.”

Y/N laughed again, feeling a pain in her ribs as she looked up at Harry.

“I’ll go eat something ‘cause your cunt’s clearly not sweet enough, and I’ll be back for cuddles-“

“-Hey!”

“I can’t cuddle now, my blood sugar-“

“-Thought you said earlier that my cunt’s sweet.”

Harry grinned down at her, kissing her forehead. “Can’t imagine myself living without the taste of you.” And then he got up, walking over to his kitchen to make himself a toast.

Next time she woke was a little after nine when Harry returned to the cottage after another report, trying to be as quiet as possible as he made a quick brew of coffee. She opened her eyes slowly and just watched him, finding herself smiling at the sight of him standing there in the pale morning sun. He wandered over to the sofa once he had his cup, flicking through the newspaper before him and taking his time before he had to start on a new day around the Clodgy grounds. Y/N let him sit there by himself for a while, understanding that he just needed to properly wake up and relax after a night of reporting and working.

Once he was done with his coffee and closed the newspaper before him, Harry glanced over at Y/N, stopping a little when he saw her already looking at him.

“Morning,” he said, voice still a bit groggy with sleep as he hadn’t talked much still. He cleared his throat. “I, uhm…” He looked at the coffee cup, mouth open as he tried to figure out what he wanted to say. “Sorry if I woke you.”

“You didn’t.”

“Oh.” He nodded, eyes landing on her again, giving her a small smile before he picked up the coffee mug and walked over to the dishwasher with it. “You want some coffee?”

“I’m good, thanks, though.”

“No problem.”

She continued to just watch him, the tiniest of smiles on her face. Harry walked about the kitchen, looking through his fridge before he rummaged through the bowl of fruit on the counter. It seemed he was busying himself as he tried to find the right words to say, stopping a few times when he thought he had it, but then starting up his hunt again.

“How’d you sleep then?”

Y/N’s smile widened, still feeling Harry’s stubble where it had been between her thighs only hours beforehand. “Great, and you?”

Harry glanced over at her, smiling as well now. “Been a while since I’ve slept that well, to be honest.”

She giggled, sitting up in bed. She noticed his eyes flickered to her chest where she was sure her nipples were visible through her shirt. His cheeks flared and he looked away before meeting her eyes again. “Same here.”

His cheeks got redder and he couldn’t help his little smile. “Right.”

She smiled, stretching where she sat in the bed. “I feel like I need a shower. Might pop by the Inn-“

“-No, you can-“ Harry didn’t finish that sentence, instead he gestured at the bathroom with a little nod, biting his lips together. “I’ll… I’ll go outside and do some chores.”

Y/N nodded, getting up from the bed. “If you’re sure.”

“You don’t even have to ask, Y/N.”

That sent a shiver up her spine and her smile widened. “I still want to make sure. You never know when you’re stepping over a line or summat.”

“Not here, never here.”

It was incredible how much Harry made her feel at once. His words made her warm with adoration, but they also made her want to run over to him and rip his clothes off. She just wanted to be close to him, to physically touch him all over again. It had been so long since she’d felt his skin, kissed him, even though it had only been last night, and she longed for it all again. She missed being close to him, missed feeling him take over each one of her senses. The feeling of him being all around her, paralysing her and making her feel full of nothing but peace and love. Was there anything that felt better than that? Than not being able to do anything anywhere completely with someone because you were so in love with them it consumed you? Wasn’t the feeling of someone you were utterly, truly in love with feeling the same way about you, wanting to be with you like you wanted to be with them? How lucky hadn’t they been to have found each other and fallen at the same time.

Y/N walked over to the bathroom, watching Harry where he was stood by the foyer. She hadn’t expected to blurt it out like she did. In fact, in retrospect, she wasn’t sorry she had suggested it, but she knew that it had taken both her and Harry off guard. However, it wouldn’t have happened if she hadn’t opened her mouth either. Something they both would have regretted.

“Do you wanna come?”

Harry blinked a few times as if he was certain he hadn’t heard her right.

“In the shower?”

His mouth fell open slightly and he continued to just look at her, for a second looking like he thought she was taking the piss.

“If you’re busy you don’t have to, but the offers there-“

“-Y-You want me to come-“ Harry stopped himself, furrowing his brows. “You want me to come in the shower with you?”

“Yeah, unless you’re busy. I know-“

“-No, I…” Harry inhaled slowly. “No, I want to. I’ll come.”

Y/N smiled at him, opening the bathroom door as butterflies swarmed around in her stomach. It had been a while since she’d seen him naked, and even that had been in the dark of the bedroom in the lighthouse. Now, in the pale morning light, she’d get to see all of him. And he’d get to see all of her; chunky thighs, cellulite, and the mole on the inside of her right thigh. She didn’t mind him seeing her naked.

Y/N stepped inside, looking at the shower and the small window at the top of the wall, letting some natural sunlight stream into the bathroom. Harry followed after her, closing the door after him and standing there behind her, watching her as she studied the pale yellow sunbeams make it through the window. Slowly, she turned around, looking over her shoulder at Harry and keeping eye contact till they stood face to face. He was still watching her, studying her face and her body, taking his time and clearly trying not to make her feel uncomfortable at him taking her in like this. Reaching for the hem of Harry’s tee shirt, she brought it over her head and let it fall to the floor beside her, feeling an undeniable heat pull towards the bottom of her tummy as Harry’s eyes fell to her exposed breasts. He was paying so close attention to her as if just being here with her, getting a chance to look at her like this, was the greatest privilege one could ask for. Y/N’s body felt hot under his stare and she sucked her bottom lip between her teeth, feeling a sort of powerful only Harry was able to make erupt inside her.

He tugged his own tee shirt over his head, letting it fall not far from where she’d placed hers, his broad and tanned chest exposed to her one more time. Like he had done to her, she took her time studying him. She took in the hair travelling from his navel to below his underwear, his outlined pecks and the soft tummy underneath them. Seeing him like that, glowing in the light of the sun, had something inside her scream with anticipation. Though nothing was set in stone to happen, she could still feel an instant intense electricity forming in the air between them.

Y/N reached for her knickers and Harry’s lips parted, inhaling sharply as if he’d just been brought back from an extraordinary trance. She pulled them down, revealing herself completely to him and the breath Harry had let enter his body just seconds before, left his lips in a shaky exhale once she stood upright again. His eyes moved over her, finally able to see all of her and in the light of day. Y/N’s heart beat hard inside her chest, looking at Harry look at her, feeling every emotion she held for him all at once. Once their eyes met, she let hers fall to his usual denim shorts, then meet his eyes again.

He understood right away, reaching for the button and the zipper, taking both his shorts and boxers off in one go. Y/N tried not to get visibly excited at the sight, but she could already see the hint of arousal on Harry, something that made the heat inside her own body intensify. Their eyes met again, and though she would’ve usually seen a slight blush across Harry’s cheeks, it wasn’t there just then. No, he seemed confident enough, ready enough, content enough not to feel embarrassed about anything.

She took a single step back before turning around, drawing the frosted shower door aside so she could step inside. Turning on the water, Y/N squealed a little as cold water came pouring down over her at first, taking a huge step to the other side of the shower so the water wouldn’t hit her. She was now standing in the open doorway into the shower, looking out at Harry who was smiling, chuckling some to herself at her instant reaction to the water. She wrinkled her nose at him before reaching her hand out, feeling at the water to see if it was a comfortable enough temperature now. When it was, she walked back over, standing under the shower head as she felt footsteps behind her on the shower floor, then the door sliding shut.

She turned around when she was fully wet, looking over at Harry as he just stood there, watching her intently. Biting her lip, she stepped aside, letting him slide past her and into the stream of the shower. She took his place, watching Harry now as he let the water run over him, a content sigh leaving his lips as if this was something he had really needed. Standing there, she wanted to reach forward and touch him. His back muscles, plump arse, and the scar on the back of his thigh. It wasn’t big, but it looked to have happened a long time ago. Maybe when he was little, having fallen off his bike or done something stupid kids often did while playing.

Harry picked up the shampoo bottle, letting her slide past him again to shampoo her hair. She waited for him to hand it over to her, but instead of putting the bottle back in her hand, Harry opened the shampoo and then put the bottle on the small sill beside the window. The small of fresh papaya wafted through the air, and a second later, she felt fingers in her hair and a hot sensation ran down her spine, resting at her core but heating up her entire body. She closed her eyes, letting the feeling of Harry take over each one of her senses. Humming contentedly, she let Harry massage her scalp, feeling herself relax completely for the first time in a long while. He pressed against her backside, not at all shy now that she felt him against her bum, harder than he had been when they undressed before one another. She felt like falling to the floor, the intensity of anything but the moment right now dissipating completely.

Something soft was pressed against her shoulder, then a bit further up towards her neck. Harry’s tender kisses sent shocks of great pleasure throughout her body, making it once again hard to remain standing. She suddenly heard some coughing and a small “ew”, and when she turned around, Harry was grimacing.

“Shampoo,” he explained, making Y/N laugh.

“You didn’t have to lick the shampoo.”

“It’s all over you now, innit?” he said, making both of them laugh again. “Was trying to be proper romantic, but fucked myself over with that one.”

“Nah, I liked it.”

“That I ate shampoo?”

She laughed. “Well, you didn’t eat it. At least not on purpose.”

He chuckled. “Real papaya tastes better than shampoo papaya. I’m a survivor of the papaya shampoo-“

“-Oh, don’t be dramatic.” She turned around, smiling over at him. “It was brave of you to go through all that for a shoulder kiss.”

“I’d go through a lot more than just eating shampoo to give you another shoulder kiss.”

Y/N laughed, getting the conditioner. She was about to put some in her hand when Harry took it from her. He shook his head, and she pretended to roll her eyes, even though she actually thoroughly enjoyed how much he wanted to take care of her. He ran his hands through her hair, making sure not to let any conditioner touch her scalp. While doing this, he planted more kisses along her jaw, even daring to kiss her neck and jawline, now not at all intimidated by the shampoo. There was simply no way not to smile and feel her entire body buzz with adoration as Harry did this.

When he stopped, he put his hands under the stream to get all the shampoo and conditioner off. Though she usually let the shampoo and conditioner stay in her hair a bit, she let it be this time around. Stepping under the stream from the shower head, she closed her eyes and rinsed her hair thoroughly. She ran her hands through her hair, closing her eyes. She knew Harry was watching her and she loved that he was. The steam from the shower along with Harry’s not-so-subtly studying every single part of her naked body, made her hotter than she’d been in a while.

It happened so suddenly it made her gasp. Once she opened her eyes to look at him again, her hair free of shampoo and conditioner, Harry took the step toward her. He grabbed the back of her neck and brought her to him, kissing her fiercely. Though it had startled her at first, she melted into the kiss right away. Though they had kissed only last night, it still felt like an eternity ago, and she had missed him like this. She missed kissing him and knowing that it would lead somewhere fantastic, just like last night’s kiss had felt. Maybe that one had been even more intense than this one because it held the promise of a future, but this kiss felt very similar. This one was purposeful. They both knew there was a future now, but they had no idea where it’d go, only that in this very moment, no matter what, they wanted to spend this one moment with each other. And they wanted to take great advantage of that.

Harry pressed her against the wall, moaning into her as she gripped his back, bringing her closer to him. She tilted his head and kissed him harder, something that had a short breath leaving his nose, a slight twitch against Y/N’s core and lower belly.

“Open up for me,” she whispered against him and he did as she said without hesitation. Their tongues found one another instantly and fantastic bliss ran through Y/N’s body to the point where she completely forgot where she was. The kisses grew more frantic, wetter, deeper. She pulled away at one point, taking a grip of his hair, tilting his head so it’d fit better against hers, before she kissed him again. Harry smiled against her lips at that, getting harder against her as she took control of him, making him listen to her and what she wanted. The mere fact that this was turning him on turned Y/N on, and she continued to take the dominant role. Something both of them loved.

She lifted her leg and Harry took a grip of her knee, bringing it up to his hip. He instantly leaned more into her, his erection against her centre, making her grip on his hair tighten. Slowly, making a tingle of excitement run through her veins, Harry grinded against her. She couldn’t help her moan, begging him to do it again as she squeezed his shoulder. He did, letting a small whimper pass from his lips and into her mouth, desperate for an actual feel of her. Y/N adjusted her hips some, making it so that when Harry grinded against her hungrily the third time, a shot of pleasure erupted from her clit.

“Oh, my God,” she said, having missed the effect Harry had on her body like this.

He kissed along her neck, sucking lightly at the tip of her jaw. “You’re so hot.”

She smiled, closing her eyes as Harry kissed her collarbone. “It’s all you, you make me act like this.”

Harry stopped right above her heart, kissing her breast. “Don’t give me that sort of credit.”

She giggled. “Then what should I say?”

Harry kissed along her neck again, a thrill of ecstasy shooting straight for the spot between Y/N’s legs. “I’m not one to tell you, am I?”

Y/N bit her bottom lip, looking down at Harry and waiting for him to reach her shoulder before she uttered, “No, you’re not.”

She could tell Harry loved that, gripping her knee harder as he rested his forehead against hers. “Are you wet for me like I’m hard for you?”

She cocked her head to the side. “Why don’t you find out?”

Harry bit his bottom lip at that, she could feel his heart beating hard against his chest and against hers. She swore they beat to the same rhythm. He reached down between them, making sure to hold their eye contact as he reached for her centre, eyes hooded with lust. Once his middle and ring finger came into contact with her wetness, he let out a strangled moan. He slid his fingers over her, pushing them slowly into her and out again, making the ache of her core hurt with need. The teasing would surely kill her at one point.

“Fucking hell, Y/N,” he mumbled. “You feel so good. So fucking good.”

“Taste me.”

Harry’s eyebrows raised ever so slightly, her commands making every single hair on his body stand on end in excitement. Running his fingers over her again, he pushed them into her once more, pulling them out to circle her clit. She moaned, not able to help herself, and the sound of her pleasure brought Harry his, moaning along with her. He brought his fingers up, placing them inside his mouth and keeping eye contact with Y/N as he wrapped his lips around his fingers, sucking off her juices. Finding this so hot her entire body began to ache for him, Y/N brought him to her again, kissing him hard. Once again, they lost themselves in each other’s lips, tongues, and the taste. Y/N assumed she was tasting herself on him, but it soon disappeared as the kiss deepened, becoming hungrier than any of the other kisses.

“Get a condom,” she said at last, and in his haste to do just that, Harry almost slipped on the slippery shower floor. Y/N laughed, holding onto her stomach as Harry’s life flashed before his eyes, getting out of the shower to rummage through his bathroom drawer for his condoms. He was back not long after, shielding his covered-up cock from the water as he made his way over to her, putting the lube on the windowsill.

“Think my near death is funny, do you?”

“Hilarious.”

Harry laughed at that, pressing his forehead against hers again as he got a hold of her leg, bringing it up to his hip again.

Harry’s other hand ran from her collarbone, over her chest, and down to her centre, looking into her eyes the entire time. He helped angle her right, licking his lips before meeting her eyes again, resting his forehead once again against hers. They looked down as Harry positioned himself at her opening, Y/N averting her eyes after a little while just so she could look at him when they joined together again. He glanced up at her again as well, holding onto his shaft till most of him was inside her, then gripping her hips hard. They both moaned, unable to say another word as a heavenly feeling swept over them.

A gentleness, vulnerability, warmth lingered there between them as Harry moved in and out of her at a slow pace, it was a sort of feeling that one couldn’t properly speak of, it was too powerful for that. What transpired between them as Harry pounded into her, made her arch her back, was so much more than anything that had ever existed before this. There was an emotion yet to be described, yet to be given a word, that they created as they stood there in that shower, the lazy sunbeams shining in on them and the hot shower pouring down Harry’s back. Y/N hummed in contentment as Harry’s hips met hers, loving the feeling of him there, colliding with her once again.

“Fuck,” Harry mumbled, keeping his eyes on Y/N at all times. He brought her knee further up his hips, making it easier for him to fuck her right, and while doing that, spreading her wider for him as well. At this, she moaned loudly, digging her nails into the skin of his back. With that, Harry picked up the pace a little more, their wet bodies colliding in a rough yet delicious rhythm that had the both of them gasping for breath.

Y/N felt something inside her core, something that was tensing up and making it harder for her to concentrate on much else besides the heat of it and Harry in front of her. Harry continued to rock into her, their bodies crashing hard and loud. The sound of flesh against flesh, their rapid breathing, and the occasional moan was their entire universe in those blissful minutes.

His grip on her tightened, and Y/N couldn’t help herself, letting go of a loud cry of Harry’s name, the quick strokes bringing her closer to her orgasm dangerously fast. She gripped the hair at the nape of his neck, making Harry moan loudly against her, the sort that had him gasping afterwards.

Y/N wondered how she had ever thought that Harry’s feelings for her hadn’t been genuine. She wondered how she had not seen it sooner. Not only how Harry felt for her, but how she felt for him as well. It had taken her so long just to realise that the reason why she was so protective of him, why she wanted to be near him, and why she always felt like her breath got clogged somewhere in her throat when she saw him, was because she was falling in love with him. It had crept up on her so slowly, so powerfully, that she hadn’t realised it till it was too late. But regardless, Y/N was sure that even if she had recognised that she was falling in love with Harry while it was actually happening versus how she realised after it had all happened, she wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. She was where she was supposed to be. Where the kindness she had sent out into the universe had brought her; where destiny had always envisioned her. With Harry. In St Ives.

She leaned forward, softly biting onto his bottom lip and it was like seeing his pupils dilate.

“Fuck me,” he mumbled, making Y/N grin.

She arched her back, the tenseness in her core tightening. The edges of her vision blurred as she watched Harry. As they came together, as they looked into each other’s eyes, Y/N knew that nothing would be better than this. She felt Harry everywhere. Felt him, smelled him, tasted him, heard him. He was everywhere all at once, and it was exactly as Y/N wanted it. She wanted him to leave more pieces of himself inside her, feel him shape her into a better version of herself, help her along the path to becoming the person she was supposed to be. There was a piece of him in each one of her molecules, and though she was sure this was an aspect of her life that would never truly dissipate, she knew Harry would always be with her. Wherever she went, whoever she was with, he had helped her on her way to discover herself, and for that she would always be grateful.

They kissed one another one more time, Y/N moaning against him as he thrust into her, this one rougher than all the ones before. Breaking away, they looked into each other’s eyes as she dug her nails into his scalp and shoulder. She came. The tenseness in her core erupted and she felt the effect like an earthquake all over her body. She was gasping, moaning, and looking into his eyes as pure bliss washed over her. The leg Harry was holding shook and it was a wonder the other one hadn’t given out from under her. She held onto him as she came down, smiling at him as if she couldn’t believe they’d just done that.

Y/N wrapped an arm around Harry’s shoulders, holding onto him as he pounded into her, the veins in his neck popping out. She knew he was close, saw it and felt it. As his pace picked up some more, though she was still incredibly sensitive, Y/N felt a familiar burn herself. This had never happened before, she usually needed some time to gather herself and to not be as sensitive down there before she could go for a round two, but something about today was different. She gasped as Harry hit a particular spot and he looked into her eyes, refusing to keep them close as he had that last minute.

“Harry,” she moaned, making him grab her boob, squeezing it seductively.

Suddenly, there was a sound coming from outside. The two of them had been too caught up in one another and their little moment that they hadn’t heard the approaching car. Though Y/N quickly realised what was happening, Harry continued to fuck her, oblivious until a car door closed with a bang outside in the courtyard. He removed his face from where he had rested his forehead against hers, trying to peek out of the foggy window.

“Dax,” Harry said. “Think the rest as well.”

“Everyone’s here?!” Y/N hissed. “Everyone’s outside?!”

“Looks like it,” Harry said, turning back to her. “Just-“ He put one hand over her mouth. “Be quiet.”

“I’m not the one that needs to be quiet,” she said against his palm, but her voice was muffled by him covering her mouth. “You’re loud.”

“I’m not bloody loud, what’re you talking about?” Harry furrowed his brows.

Y/N chuckled. “Who cares? Just get a move on so we can go out there.”

Harry smiled and pressed his forehead against hers again, gripping her thigh harder as he began to make as small and quick movements as possible, trying not to make any noise. His pace, his flow, felt heavenly. Her eyes fluttered shut, digging her nails into Harry’s back. By the looks of it, this exact angle and tempo was doing it for Harry as well. He looked at her as he neared his climax, doing as Y/N said and trying to keep his mouth shut and moans to a minimum. She could tell he was struggling, and she squeezed his shoulder in encouragement as he continued to barely make any noise.

“Harry?!” Dax called from the front door, walking into the cottage. More footsteps sounded behind him and Harry stopped abruptly, looking over at the door through the blurry glass of the shower door. “Mate, where are you?”

Harry and Y/N looked at one another, eyes wide as they listened for more movement outside.

“Found him, Dax, Jo?” Fatima called from outside, her footsteps along with, what Y/N could only assume, Amir and Ellie nearing the cottage.

“No, he’s not here,” Jo answered.

“Where the fuck could he have gone? Not like he’s supposed to be anywhere else, is it?” Dax asked no one in particular. “He wasn’t in the lighthouse either?”

“No, but he just did his 9am,” Amir answered.

“What the fuck, then,” Dax said. The door into the bathroom burst open and Y/N tried not to scream. Harry pressed his body against Y/N’s so Dax wouldn’t see any of her. “Haz-“ Everything was disturbingly silent for a single second before Dax realised what he must be looking at. “OH!”

“A bit preoccupied at the moment, Dax!” Harry shouted out at his best mate where he still stood in the bathroom doorway.

“Right! Sorry!” Dax slammed the bathroom door shut. Harry and Y/N looked at one another, both giggling and doing their best not to be heard by the others outside. “We’ll just fuck off outside then!”

There was a slight silence outside in the cottage till Ellie finally asked, “What’s going on?”

“Harry and Y/N,” Dax explained. “They’re in the shower.”

“What?!” exclaimed Fatima.

“In the shower, or in the shower shower?” Amir asked, it sounded like he was wiggling his eyebrows along with his question.

“Mate. No,” Jo said.

“Would you lot mind buggering off for a bit?!” Harry shouted, making a flurry of footsteps move hastily towards the front door. They could all be heard outside, chatting excitedly and fast. Harry rolled his eyes and sighed, making Y/N laugh.

“Right,” Harry said, bringing her leg higher up as to get better access. She gasped. “Where were we?”

She bit her lips, grinning at him. Harry started at the same pace as before, fucking her quickly and with small movements as not to be heard, not sure how well the sound of their wet bodies slamming together would carry. Y/N reached for the lube, making Harry let out a small breath as if he had completely forgotten about it, but appreciated that Y/N had. Once again, she had to angle herself so best to access his bum, and when she did, she slid her fingers slowly into him.

“Fuck,” Harry hissed.

He continued with his small and quick movements as to make it easier for Y/N to keep her fingers in. She curled them slightly upward, watching as Harry’s eyes fluttered shut.

“Y/N,” he moaned, voice trembling slightly. She kept her fingers like that, feeling that, with each of Harry’s movements, he ignited the fire inside, making her heat up all over again. Harry’s whimpers got more frequent and desperate, not fully knowing what to do with himself as his orgasm got closer and closer.

“Come on, baby,” she mumbled, and that was all it took. Her calling him that. Finally, Harry was brought towards climax. He came looking into Y/N’s eyes, everyone and everything else completely forgotten as he filled the condom, moaning her name and gripping her body harder. She had felt the oncoming second orgasm herself, and though she hadn’t thought Harry would’ve noticed her like that, he had.

“I can go down on you,” he offered, pulling himself out of her. “We can-“

“-No,” Y/N laughed. “They’re waiting for you.”

“For us,” Harry corrected her, getting up as he had hunched down, ready to make her come a second time. “They’re waiting for us.”

Y/N smiled at him, stroking his cheek as he stood before her. He leaned in, kissing her softly on the lips as they relished in the last of their moment together.

“I’ll make it up to you later,” he said against her lips, making Y/N’s tummy, which was already filled with butterflies, tickle with anticipation.

“I’ll just wash up.”

“Alright, I’ll wait.”

Harry dried himself off as quickly as possible, running out into the living room to get a new pair of boxers and jeans along with Y/N’s dress and jumper. He put on his underwear and jeans, then picked up the tee shirt Y/N had been wearing the bed the night before, making a note to sniff it in front of Y/N just so he could watch her laugh at him. She got dressed as well, suddenly filled with dread for what was waiting for them outside. Once in the foyer, Harry pulled her closer, kissing her one more time, smiling against her. She giggled, kissing him again before they both turned to the door and walked outside.

Everyone was sat on the grass beside the lighthouse, not too close to the cliff, but close enough so that the wind was rather harsh. As Harry and Y/N approached, Fatima looked over her shoulder, smiling at them before she alerted the others, making them all stand up. Y/N felt a tenseness in her chest, terrified of what would happen the second they started chatting. She hadn’t forgotten the look of hurt on Dax’s face, or how hurt Fatima had been, or how Jo looked between Harry and Y/N, refusing to believe what they were saying was true.

“To what do we owe the pleasure?” Harry asked once they were close enough to talk.

Amir’s eyes fell on Y/N, giving her a smile before he looked at Harry. Jo opened their mouth, crossing their arms over their chest. “Think you got some explaining to do. Both of you.”

Harry looked at Y/N who glanced back at him, but she quickly stared at the others, feeling her hands go all clammy.

“Well,” Harry started, scratching at the back of his neck. “It’s… it’s probably what you think.”

“What’s that?” asked Dax.

“I’m in love with Y/N,” Harry said, as if it was the simplest and most profound fact of the world. “And she’s in love with me.”

Dax looked between them, studying each of their faces. “Alright,” he said, pausing for two seconds. “Why bother lying, then?”

“That’s… That’s not a lie.”

“I didn’t mean lie about that, why did you have to lie about being a couple when you were on your way to become one in the first place?”

Harry furrowed his brows. “It’s not that simple, though. We didn’t know we’d end up caring for one another like that when we first met.”

“Dax,” Fatima said, raising her eyebrows at him. “I know you’re hurt Harry lied to you-“

“-Nah, I’m not hurt. I’m fuming.”

Harry let out a huff. “Thought you were over it, mate.”

“But I’m not.” Dax looked Harry dead in the eyes. “Look, I’m happy for you. Genuinely, I am. You more than anyone else deserve to find love, especially when that someone you fall in love with is Y/N, yeah? But…” Dax trailed off, crossing his arms over his chest. “I’m still hurt that my best friend lied to me. I tell you everything, Haz.”

“I wanted to tell you, Dax. Really.”

“But?”

“But you love to gossip, mate! You’re just like your mum!”

“I wouldn’t have told people about this, Harry.”

Harry sighed. “Listen, be mad, yeah? Take your time to be mad. I’m sorry.” He looked at all his other friends as well. Amir, Fatima, Jo, Ellie. “I’m sorry for lying about this. It was a stupid thing to lie about, but I was desperate and before either of us really knew what was going on, we were just fake dating.”

Ellie nodded along, smiling a little at both Y/N and Harry’s wet hairs. “But you’re not fake dating anymore… right?”

Harry smiled as well, looking at Y/N. “No.”

“Aww, you two!” Fatima exclaimed.

“We haven’t discussed it yet, she told me yesterday that she won’t leave St Ives, so…” Harry shrugged, holding up his hand to stop Fatima, Amir, Ellie and Jo from celebrating. “It’s not official.”

“But you fancy each other, yeah?” Amir grinned. “That’s enough, innit?”

“So it’s really not fake this time?” Dax asked, looking at Harry as he spoke. “You’re genuinely in love?”

“Mate,” Harry said, a red colour crossing his cheekbones. “You just saw us shagging in the shower.”

Jo howled with laughter and Ellie giggled, looking over at Fatima who was having trouble holding Amir up as he was pretending to faint from shock. Even Dax had trouble not laughing at that, a single chuckle escaping his lips as he studied Y/N and Harry who were both flustered, hair still a mess from just having gotten out of the shower. Harry took a step closer to Y/N, nudging her with his hips. Once their eyes met, Y/N was taken back to their shared moment in the shower, blushing furiously again.

“Alright,” Dax said, smiling at them. “I guess I was just offended.”

“Don’t make this about yourself, bruv,” Amir said, walking over to stand between Y/N and Harry, flinging his arms over their shoulders. “Everything’s back to normal, innit?”

“Well, a new normal,” Harry pointed out. “We still have to figure out a lot of things.”

“Ah, well, that’ll come easy,” Amir smiled. “Bottom line, for us, nothing’s really gonna change. We always thought you were together, and now you’re actually together.”

Y/N looked over at Fatima who shrugged, clearly agreeing with her cousin.

Amir patted them each on the shoulder, grinning from ear to ear. “We came here to check if Harry was alright. Haven’t heard from you in a couple of days, mate.”

“No, I’ve…” Harry’s eyes flickered over to Y/N before he met Amir’s eyes again. “Been a bit… well, sad.”

“That’s okay,” Amir said. “You feeling better now?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Harry smiled, looking at Y/N again. “Loads.”

“Wicked.” Amir gave Harry a pat on the back. “Pub, anyone?”

“It’s not even noon,” Fatima said, raising her eyebrows at Amir.

“Who cares? Everyone’s about to go back to their everyday lives, think we should just spend a day doing nothing in particular, don’t you?” Amir looked around the ground with his mouth agape in anticipation.

“Actually,” Harry said, looking apologetically at Amir. “Y/N and I gotta go to the farm real quick.”

Amir’s face fell. “Why?”

“We just need to talk to Jessa, Gracie, lolo, and uncle Timmy. You know…” Harry motioned with his arms before him. “About what Y/N and I did.”

“Ahh!” Amir gave Harry’s back a pat, nodding his head. “Yeah, alright.”

Y/N’s heart fell again. She hadn’t even thought of that. They would have to face Jessa and Grace as well, and apologise for what they had done. Y/N wouldn’t be mad at Jessa if she didn’t forgive her or Harry for this. After all, they had lied to her all summer, not thinking that they’d end up actually falling in love with one another in the end.

“You’ll pop by later, then? Balcony?” Dax asked, Harry nodding as an answer that they would. “Wicked! See you in an hour or summat then.”

Y/N and Harry watched as the others made their way over to Dax’s car, Amir jumping onto Jo’s back and Ellie laughing her ass off when Jo almost face-planted from the unexpected impact. Harry walked over to Y/N, raising his eyebrows slowly as if to ask

Hadn’t been there since everything had happened. This was where her family had shown up and where Dominic had dragged Harry to the ground. The thought made her sick. Her family had all been here and she had let them treat Harry like that. Taking a deep breath, Y/N just looked at the farm, feeling as if she should just turn back around and walk away from it all. She didn’t deserve to be close to Jessa, or Grace, or lolo-

“Flower?”

She looked at Harry who was watching her with big eyes.

“You alright?”

“No. Not really, no.”

Harry nodded slightly. “Yeah, it’s… I mean, it’s gonna be alright. I know it is. But Jessa… Blimey, I hate disappointing Jessa.”

“Has she given you a hard time before for disappointing her?”

“Yeah, and it was just as you can expected it to,” Harry chuckled. “She would give me the cold shoulder and make me feel bad till I finally gave in and apologised.”

“Oh, my word, Harry, we should’ve done this sooner-“

“-We weren’t on speaking terms then, were we?” Harry reasoned. “We have spent days trying to talk, and now we have. We’ve always needed to do this together. Don’t think it would’ve been completely alright till you came with to apologise as well, Jessa wouldn’t think so.”

Y/N nodded. “Yeah, I-“

“-Harry?”

They both turned to look at Jessa as she walked out of the hen house, lolo’s straw hat on her head and walking slowly, as if she couldn’t quite believe what she was seeing.

“Y/N?”

Hearing Jessa say her name was surreal, especially after everything. She didn’t sound mad; she didn’t sound disappointed. In fact, she just sounded confused, as if the sight before her was the most peculiar yet familiar thing in the world. Not wanting to postpone this any longer, Y/N started walking towards the farm, Harry following close behind her. As they walked through the gate, Jessa stopped walking, holding onto her basket filled with eggs as she watched them move to her. The door to the main house opened, Grace and lolo along with Tim stood there, eyes on Harry and Y/N as they stopped in front of Jessa. They were sure the others could hear them, Grace even walked a little closer as if she wanted to run to Harry and Y/N, but stopped herself as she noticed they were directing all their attention at Jessa.

“How are you feeling?” Jessa asked Harry, eyes scanning him from head to toe. “Not had any other hypo situations?”

“No,” Harry answered quickly. “No, I’ve been alright.”

Jessa nodded, eyes falling on Y/N. “They’ve gone back to Hampshire?”

Jessa didn’t have to say who she was talking about for Y/N to understand completely. The chat she had with Jessa Tuesday the week before still fresh in her mind. Y/N nodded as an answer to Jessa’s question. “They left a few days ago.”

“Good,” Jessa answered curtly. “Didn’t like them. Quite rude of them to just show up to a party like that unannounced.”

“Yeah, they’ve never much considered other people’s feelings.”

A small smile flickered over Jessa’s lips. “No, I could tell.”

Y/N smiled back a little, looking up to meet Harry’s eyes. She could tell he was about to speak, but she beat him to it, whipping her head in Jessa’s direction again. “We’re so sorry.” She glanced at Grace, lolo, and Tim as well. “So sorry.”

Harry looked away from Y/N at the others. “It’s all my fault.”

“Harry-“

“-No, Y/N, it is.” Harry let out a huge sigh, meeting Jessa’s eyes. “I’m sorry, nanay. I’ve always told you everything. Always. But you were fussing so much about how I was lonely at Clodgy, something I wasn’t. I was perfectly okay up there by myself, I like my own company. Ever since Emilia… well, I like being alone. But… But…” Harry stopped, growing red in the cheeks. “You know… I thought if I pretended to have a girlfriend, you’d get off my back a bit.” He let out a chuckle. “I should’ve known better, though. You just want what’s best for me, so you want to know every detail of everything.”

Jessa was eerily silent, not moving an inch.

“And I know it was a fucking daft move, alright? Well out of line for me to lie about something like that, a-and… and…” Harry looked down at Y/N. “And especially stupid of me to drag Y/N into it. She had no idea what she did when she went along to pretend to be my girlfriend on Fore Street that day.”

“Hang on,” Grace said, frowning. “We met Y/N on Fore Street.”

“Yeah, that was the first time I met Y/N myself.”

“That same day?” Tim asked.

“Yes.”

“And you just asked someone to me your fake girlfriend to further your lie?” Tim still sounded confused. Y/N’s palms were getting clammy.

“Y-Yes.” Harry nodded his head. “It’s entirely my fault.”

“Harry, no.” Y/N looked up at him. “I helped.”

“It wasn’t your idea, was it?”

Y/N was about to protest, said that it didn’t matter, but Harry went on.

“I went to the Inn to tell Y/N not to worry about this fake relationship of ours, ‘cause… I couldn’t keep it from you, Jessa. I couldn’t lie to you like that.” Harry sighed again. “But you had already told everyone, so we would’ve looked well stupid to just tell everyone that we lied, it wasn’t true, we weren’t a couple.”

“As opposed to everyone finding out at the party last Friday that it had been fake all this time?” Jessa asked, making both Harry and Y/N shut up.

A small silence stretched out then, when the only sound they heard was the wind blowing through the trees around them and the hens in the hen house. Y/N looked around at everyone before her, trying to see all of their reactions. No one spoke for what felt like a century, and it was hard to see what any of them thoughts because panic was starting to rise within Y/N. Did they all hate her? No one was saying anything, did they really detest her? What her and Harry had done, they’d never forgive them, would they? Y/N felt lightheaded, sure that she had never been anticipating an answer from someone as much as she was anticipating these people before her.

Suddenly, Jessa took a small step forward, her head cocked and eyes flicking between Y/N and Harry. She looked thoughtful, though no anger could be detected on her face.

“You know,” Jessa started, clutching the egg basket a little closer to her. “I never once doubted you two weren’t an item. Not once.”

Harry’s cheeks got redder, eyes falling to the ground.

“But I don’t think that’s something to be embarrassed about, Harry,” Jessa said, voice very soft all of a sudden and Y/N felt like crying. “I could tell there was something between you two that I hadn’t seen between you and Emilia, Harry. After Emilia left,” Jessa said, looking at Y/N now. “Harry was very sad at first, but I had never seen him as happy as that time after all that mourning. He was so, so happy. Just as he deserved. Wasn’t easy, losing his father… or my husband, like that.”

Y/N nodded, understanding that it must’ve been a grief unlike anything anyone would ever have the capability to explain.

“But the second you came into his life - when you arrived in St Ives, to be more specific, ‘cause you were kind of there while Harry lied about having a girlfriend – but when you came into his life… something in him shifted. He was still happy, still himself, but it comes easier to him now to articulate himself. To find his words. He had huge trouble with that before. Always had. Words, new beginnings, new opportunities, it’s all come easier to him since you came into his life. And that-“ Jessa pointed her finger at Harry’s chest as she met his eyes again. “-That is why I’m not mad now.”

Harry blinked.

“Whatever is going on between you two, it’s not fake. If you’re saying that, if you’ve ever said that or believed that, you’ve lied to yourselves, not to anyone else,” Jessa said. “Yes, you’ve lied to us about being in a relationship. Yes, it was a tragic thing to do.”

Harry winced at her words, nodding his head. Y/N knew she must’ve had the same reaction, but she didn’t know or care what she looked like just then. All she cared about was Jessa, Grace, lolo, and Tim.

“But,” Jessa continued. “I would’ve been mad if you two weren’t in love at all. I’m disappointed it took you two this long to admit it, but I guess that’s what happens when you’re both as oblivious as each other.” She let out a sigh. “You’re forgiven.” She met Y/N’s eyes, smiling. “Both of you.”

Y/N bit her lip as it started to tremble, everything she had felt these last few minutes finally leaving her. Relief and peace finally flooded through her veins.

“I meant what I said that day, Y/N,” Jessa said, taking Y/N’s hand with her free one. “You are loved unconditionally here, with us.”

Y/N nodded her head, squeezing Jessa’s hand.

“Right,” Jessa grinned, looking up at Harry. “Free for a cuppa, my lovelies?”

“No, uhm…” Harry ran a hand through his hair, smiling down at Jessa. “We’re going to the pub with the gang. Getting a quick pint in before summer ends.”

“How nice,” Jessa said. “You two will pop by tomorrow then?”

“Yes,” Y/N answered, and Jessa’s smile widened. The older woman took a few steps toward Y/N, wrapping her arm around her in a hug. Y/N hugged her back, forcing back the tears she felt pressing on.

“We’ll see you then,” Jessa said, going in to hug Harry next.

“See you!” Grace grinned as she ran over, arms outstretched for Y/N. Y/N giggled, hoping no one heard her strangled sob. She bent down, hugging Grace to her, closing her eyes as Grace’s hold on Y/N tightened. Lolo and Tim came over as well, both smiling at Y/N and giving her hugs, patting and stroking her back, as if they both knew how much she needed it. Harry and Y/N said the last few goodbyes to their family before they walked over to Harry’s van, sitting back there in silence.

Harry suddenly turned to look at Y/N, leaning over to take her face in his hands so roughly and unexpectedly that Y/N squealed. He kissed her firmly on the lips, leaving small pecks all over her face as a grin erupted across his lips. Y/N laughed, holding onto his wrists and closing her eyes until he stopped. All the way to The Balcony Bar and Kitchen, Harry held onto Y/N’s hand, clutching onto it between changing gears, never once letting go voluntarily. Y/N thought this was quite funny, but she didn’t say this. She appreciated how he wanted to stay close to her all he could, whenever he could, just as he had said last night at 3am.

The Balcony Bar and Kitchen was an old pub, but at the far end of the pub, the entire wall facing the beach was made out of tall windows. Y/N could make out their little gang sitting at one of the tables, talking merrily amongst themselves as her and Harry strolled up to the bar.

“What do you fancy?” Harry asked her, standing so close that their sides were flush against one another. Y/N suddenly wanted to be back in the Clodgy cottage again so Harry could make up for before, as he had promised her he would once they were back there later. A chill went up her spine and she smiled, loving the fact that she could stand there and imagine a future, no matter how near or far away it was, where Harry was present.

“Whatever you’re having,” Y/N said simply.

“Sure?”

“Yeah.”

“Really sure?”

“Really, really sure, in fact.”

Harry chuckled, ordering two pints from the bartender who had come up to them just then.

“Y/N.”

Once again, Y/N felt like she could’ve done without hearing that voice again. She thought she would’ve heard it for the last time at the end of summer party, but she guessed she hadn’t been that lucky. Looking to her right, she saw Emilia standing there. Harry tensed to her left, watching as the bartender made them their pints.

“Could we have a chat?” Emilia asked, taking Y/N completely off guard. It took her a few tries to get the correct words out, but Y/N managed to utter a quick, “Yeah,” to which Emilia smiled gratefully.

“I’ll take these to our table,” Harry said to Y/N, giving Emilia a smile before he walked back over to their little group by the window.

Emilia inhaled slowly, looking down at the bar counter before she met Y/N’s eyes again. “It’s been a weird summer, hasn’t it?”

Y/N was still not sure what was going on or why Emilia was trying to make small talk. If she wanted to say something to Y/N, then she should just say it right away. Y/N had people she’d rather be with.

Emilia must’ve sensed Y/N’s confusion at what was going on, so she sighed and turned to look at Y/N fully. “I just wanna talk about everything. I could tell there was a bit of tension between us at the end of summer party.”

Y/N rested her elbow on the counter beside her. “Yeah, there was.”

“I just wanted to talk that out, ‘cause I don’t know what you think, but it’s a bit stupid to have gotten off on the wrong foot like this when we barely know each other, isn’t it?”

Y/N took a moment to study Emilia, trying to decipher if the words she had just spoken were genuine. “Yeah.”

“I came back from Munich and found out that Harry had a girlfriend, and I was delighted. He-“

“-You were?” Y/N asked.

“Yes, of course,” Emilia answered. “Harry deserves to be happy.”

Y/N tried not to let it show on her face that she was shocked by this news. “He does.”

“I was told he had a girlfriend, and the second we met, I just felt like you didn’t like me.”

She shrugged her shoulders. “Was a bit hard to when you used the power you know you have over Harry to show me that you still have the ability to make him do anything you want. And I think you got the idea that I ‘didn’t like you’ when I told Harry I felt uncomfortable with this, and he stopped giving you attention.”

Emilia fell quiet.

“Am I right?”

“You don’t know what happened between us, Harry and I.”

“I do, in fact. Harry’s told me.”

Emilia’s mouth was a thin line now. “Alright. My boyfriend of one year back in Munich broke up with me and I was sad about it. It was wrong of me to seek comfort in Harry, I’m sorry.”

Y/N raised her eyebrows some. “So… my theory’s correct? You wanted to know that you still exerted some dominance over Harry, even after all those years, and have him crawl back to you so you’d feel… what, better about yourself after being broken up with? Did you want someone to make you feel better?”

“I’m aware it was wrong of me, okay-“

“-No, I don’t think you get how fucking disgusting that is.”

Emilia turned silent again, blinking at Y/N.

“You didn’t even talk to him after you left. His dad died and his girlfriend broke up with him, he was left completely broken ‘cause of you, but he’s too good to say any of this to your face,” Y/N said, taking a small step forward.

“I left because of my mental health.”

“And that’s valid, but you should also know that by doing that, you left a hole in Harry that it took a while for him to fill up himself. You don’t get to walk in and out of someone’s life whenever it suits you, especially when they’re doing so much better now than they ever did with you there.”

Emilia looked away.

“It might feel like it, but you’re not the only person in the world that possesses feelings. We all do. The way you keep treating others and neglecting the fact that your actions will stay with them forever, is a dangerous sort of ignorance that I suggest you do something about.”

“You don’t even know me.”

“I don’t want to. I’ve heard enough from everyone else.” Y/N shrugged her shoulders. “It’s not my decision to make, but in my opinion, you should think twice before you try and make a place for yourself in Harry’s life again. His friends and family don’t really have a great picture of you any longer.”

Emilia sighed, meeting Y/N’s eyes again. “You know, I get where you’re coming from.”

It was Y/N’s turn to be silent now.

“You want to protect Harry, make sure nothing happens to him, and I know I hurt him bad, so naturally you don’t want me in his life. But, as you said, that’s his call,” Emilia said. “I shouldn’t have gone after Harry when I came back from Munich, it was stupid of me, especially considering how happy he looked with you. Granted, it was all fake, but I know Harry and I could tell he fancied the pants off you.”

Y/N gave Emilia a small smile, trying to make some sort of peace.

“I won’t stand in the way of you two.”

“I appreciate that. I’m sure Harry does as well.”

Emilia nodded, giving Y/N a smile.

“Y/N!” Fatima called from where she sat with all the others. When Y/N looked in their direction, she simply could not help her smile. They were all chatting amongst themselves, laughing at something, and Fatima and Harry were looking her way, beckoning her over.

“Hope you have a good day, Emilia,” Y/N said-

“You too, Y/N.”

And with that, Y/N walked back over to her friends. Harry wrapped an arm around her shoulders, bringing her to him where he stood at the edge of the table, everyone else perched on bar stools around the tall table. Fatima clinked her glass against Y/N’s, Jo grinned in Y/N’s direction, while Ellie, Amir and Dax were in an animated discussion about something Y/N didn’t catch. Harry leaned down, pressing a small peck to Y/N’s temple, and the grin that spread out across Y/N’s smile almost hurt. A sort of restless anticipation mingled with such utter contentment that it was hard for her to think she’d ever lived, breathed, loved, anywhere but right there in St Ives.

Thursday, 10 September

The universe would always balance itself out, Y/N McKay was aware of this. She was aware that if she had faith and believed everything happens for a reason, it would make the tough times of her life easier to mentally handle. If she did good, the universe would work to give back to her in some other form. And now, after a summer randomly spent in Cornwall, she had found it in herself to believe in destiny as well.

She believed that there was a place where she belonged. People she was supposed to meet, and places she was supposed to see. These people, places, and feelings would help you along the road to self-realisation. They would shape her and make everything make sense, would make all the suffering and the struggles she had faced up until then worth it in a way. Each one of the people Y/N had met in St Ives had had that effect on her. They had made her realise things about herself and her life that she would never have figured out without them. She took that summer with her for the rest of her life; letting the sun beams of St Ives shine through in her smile, the goodness of the locals reflect in her own acts of kindness, the calming feeling of walking along the sand of Porthminster Beach show in her warmness and relaxing effect on the people around her.

Y/N had no idea when she walked out of the door of the building in Bethnal Green, London that September 10th that the summer she had just experienced would play that big of a role in shaping the continuation of her entire life. She had no idea that she would receive top marks on her UCAT she took in Bethnal Green, the following day. Nor that she would attend University of Plymouth for the next six years, graduating with a degree in Dentistry. And she had no idea that, even after all those years, she’d still be with the lighthouse keeper of St Ives. Only now that she was done with University, she moved back to her hometown, to her family, friends, and boyfriend, and would live there for the rest of her life.

No, Y/N didn’t know any of that as she walked out after her UCAT on the second Thursday of September that year. She chose not to think too much about her future at that time, realising that whatever would be, would be, and there was nothing she could change about that now.

Harry, who had driven her to London that day, was stood by his car not too far away, looking down at his phone as he replied to a text. She was sure no one had ever stood by their car like this, with no other agenda than to wait for her before this. Then again, Harry would always do stuff like this as if it was the most natural thing in the world for him, expecting nothing in return. Which had come as a shock to Y/N at first, but once she realised she was doing the same thing for the people she loved as well, she understood.

The UCAT had been awful, at least at first. The questions were difficult, she had to rack her brain properly for most of them, and she could swear she had heard someone crying at one point. She had to put a hand on her own cheek to check for tears, scared that it had been her. But then, during the chaos of everything, she remembered what Harry had said to her when they woke up in the Clodgy cottage that same morning, “It’s a beautiful day to do beautiful things,” and her nerves calmed themselves considerably. Because he was right. It was a beautiful day and she would do beautiful things. The thought of getting out of there and to Harry again was enough motivation to get her through the rest of the UCAT.

Upon hearing some footsteps, Harry looked in the direction of where they were coming. He instantly shoved his phone back down into the pockets of his denim jeans, smiling at Y/N as she approached him.

“How’d it go?” he asked.

She shrugged her shoulders. “I’ve got a good feeling,” she admitted, walking over to where he was standing. “But I don’t want to get my hopes up. I get the results back in 24 hours.”

Harry huffed, sliding his thumb reassuringly over her cheek. “You know what I think?”

“Think I already do.”

“You’ll do amazing, the results will be exactly as you dreamed they’d be, and life will be ama-“

“-Amazing,” Y/N finished, making Harry chuckle. “You’ve said that word a lot this last month.”

“Can you blame me?” Harry asked, resting his hand at the back of her neck, bringing her to him so he could plant a kiss to her forehead. “Everything’s been amazing this last month. So I therefore believe that the UCAT results will reflect that.”

Y/N giggled again, walking over to the other side of Harry’s van and getting in. The two of them got comfortable and Harry started driving back to St Ives. Y/N knew how much Harry hated London, and especially the traffic there. He had made it very clear when they had entered the capital that he couldn’t stand Londoners, something that made Y/N giggle. She never saw him have proper road rage, this was the first time she’d ever truly seen it, and it has been more entertaining than she had thought.

He was no better on their way out of the city, hissing curse words under his breath as he honked at reckless drivers or pedestrians that crossed the street without any regard for oncoming traffic. Y/N knew that no matter what, she could not end up attending a University in London, because Harry would not survive the trips to and from the capital.

It was a long drive back to St Ives and she fell asleep once they were out of London and Harry didn’t wake her. He knew she had been stressing the last few weeks to revise and get everything ready for the UCAT, and now that everything was over, he must’ve thought she deserved a small break from it all, some time to relax. When Y/N woke up in St Ives a few hours later, she smiled a little to herself, looking down at the tote bag by her feet that she had filled with books. She had been ready to read out loud to Harry, but she had simply not had the energy this time around.

“Alright?” Harry asked, smiling over at Y/N as he drove up the hill to Clodgy Lighthouse. He took her hand, kissing her palm softly.

“Just dead tired,” Y/N answered, yawning slightly. “I might take a nap once we’re back.”

“Or you can wake up.”

She blinked, looking over at Harry who was smiling a little to himself. “What do you mean?”

“I’ll show you,” Harry said, grinning now as he killed the engine.

Not really knowing what he had planned, Y/N was apprehensive at first. She saw Harry walk over to the field beside the cottage, not really caring to know what he was doing. She was too tired for that. Next, she rubbed her eyes and took her seatbelt off, climbing out of the van to join him. Harry ran for the lighthouse and Y/N followed, smiling at his eagerness to wake her up. The sun was shining brightly above them, not a single cloud in sight, and even though it was September, it was fairly warm out despite the wind.

Harry showed the way up the lighthouse, grinning back at her every once in a while. And though Y/N wanted to ask him what he was up to this time around, she didn’t bother. She knew he’d be cryptic or leave her hanging, neither option seemed very appealing now that she was slightly irritable because of her lack of sleep. Harry opened the door out onto the gallery deck, letting Y/N wander out first. She raised her eyebrows some but did as she supposed he wanted her to. Walking out onto the deck, the wind hit her hard across the face. If you stood directly facing it, it was impossible to open your eyes completely. She could see what Harry meant by this being a method to wake up some.

“Please,” Harry said. “Go along.”

Y/N furrowed her brows, but walked further onto the deck, even though she was sure Harry would’ve fit perfectly fine next to where she had originally standing.

“I’ll owe you my life if you just go along for a minute or two, yeah?”

Y/N’s frown deepened as she looked at him. “What?”

“I don’t usually do this,” Harry grinned. “I mean, I never do this. I’ve never done this before. But, you see…” He walked closer to her, taking her face in his hands. “My mum and my sister think I’ve got a girlfriend and I don’t.”

Y/N’s heart instantly melted, and she felt herself grinning right back at him.

“I was wondering, if it’s not too much to ask, of course, if you’d like to be my girlfriend? My real, proper girlfriend.”

She laughed, shaking her head at him before taking a grip of his shirt and bringing him closer. Though she didn’t know why Harry needed to do this at the top of the lighthouse, right under the light that guided sailors home, she didn’t mind. This felt right. This felt like them. This was them. It was real, it felt silly, unexpected, and a little odd, but that was what it felt like being with Harry.

She looked up into his eyes, grinning from ear to ear. “I’ll be your real, proper girlfriend.”

Harry let out a breath of relief and grinned down at her, bringing her closer to him and planting a misplaced kiss onto her lips. They both giggled against one another. It hadn’t struck Y/N until now that they hadn’t made it official like this. Too much had been on her mind, she hadn’t allowed much else besides the UCAT to take up her time prior to this moment, but how that it had finally happened, Y/N felt just as relieved as Harry looked to be. She was glad that Harry had waited until now, after the UCAT, to ask, and she was also very glad to see how eager he had been to ask her.

Harry pulled away, detaching a hand from where it had rested at her neck, and held out a bellflower that he had picked outside the cottage. Reaching forward, he placed the bellflower behind Y/N’s ear, smiling to himself as he looked at it, the smile widening as he met her eyes. Y/N felt like she could burst with happiness in that very moment, probably lighting up all the oceans of the world with how much she was radiating.

“My bell room,” Harry said, touching the bellflower resting by her ear before he brought her in for another kiss.

A HUGE thank you to my amazing and beautiful beta readers! Couldn’t have written ST without them! 🌊 @aileenacoustic​​​​ 🌊 @bopbopstyles​​​​ 🌊 @fromyourstrulyh​​​​ 🌊 @harrys-shrooms 🌊 @honeydearly​​ 🌊 @sunflowers-styles​ 🌊 @watermelonsuger​​​​​ 🌊  @withallthelove-a​​​​​ 🌊

And so it’s over 😭 Thank you thank you thank you! From the bottom of my heart, thank you to each one of you who have been reading, reblogging, come to chat, or sent any sort of love ST’s way the last few months! There is something so liberating and beautiful about creating a world in which you feel peace, and then find that others find that same peace, that same sense of belonging, within the same world as you 💖 Each one of you remind me of why I continue to share my writing on here! Thank you for making writing, Tumblr, and fic fun! You all have my heart 💘 I LOVE YOU 💞💞

As for next fic project, as I’ve gotten quite a few questions about that already !! I’m gonna take a break from writing! Maybe a month, maybe two, dunno! I’ll still be writing some deleted scenes from ST and posting onto my Patreon, but as for a full 10+ chaptered fic, which is what I want to write next, I don’t know! But, as always, I’ll be tagging my posts with new fic tags and planning whenever I get an idea !!!! So keep an eye out lmao !!!!

Besides that, here are two songs I imagine would be playing if the end credits to ST was rolling right now 🐚 You can find the rest of the ST playlist here!

As ST!Harry said, I love you immeasurably, and as Jessa said, you’ll always have a home and a place you belong, here, in the ST universe 🌊

Your bestie, Nora ✨✨

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